The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #221 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 15, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT.....   It's Monday, December 12th…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This episode is also brought to you by The Freeze Pipe & CBD Lion…   THE FREEZE PIPE Support the show and get 10% off with the code JOEY at https://TheFreezepipe.com   CBD Lion Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH For 20% OFF Your Order!    Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don't forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps    The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-AW-yNnsEqdrJXO8Rve_zg https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Let's get this party started. It's fucking Thursday. Look who it is, you bad motherfuckers. It's your uncle Joey. On Thursday, the 15th of motherfucking December. It's a half way for it's over. You got nine more shoplifting days. You got 10 days to Christmas.

You got about 15, 16 days to the year is over. And that's it, motherfuckers. I am excited. 2023 is going to be my fucking breakout year. I've been sitting on my fucking breakout year. my hands for fucking two years. Nah, I got to change stuff around shit like that, but no, I'm not

planning on none. I got the book coming out. I got no movies. I got nothing. I just got my family. I got Mike. I got Lee. And I got my friends. Everything is beautiful. Great fucking week this week. You know, not really great.

I had to go to a fucking wake. Nah, whenever you got to go to a wake, it's not really a great week, you know? You got one Saturday? Yeah, you know, this is wake season in Jersey. You know, watch it. those there are wicks every fucking episode. You can't go to all of them. You could just, you have to like pick a wick.

Like, okay, that one's in fucking an hour away. They're not going to see me. I'll send flowers. Every week, somebody's dying, somebody's sister. And I'm the type of guy, listen, if it's immediate family, I'll go. If I grew up with you or some, if I know you, but I'm not going to go to your sister's cousin. I can't. I'm not even supposed to, listen, I get creeped out in those fucking places.

That's what I was talking about. That's why I got to tell you about this. yesterday because I usually go to a wake I send flowers first and then I go to the wake and I sit in the back and I watch the family and I watch all the stuff they put up like the pictures of the family and yeah they have videos I sit there I don't want to be I'm not there to fucking ruffle any feathers I'm just there to observe and to be supportive you know so I gave it about you know you give it a couple minutes and then you go up you say a prayer you you a dog saying a prayer by the body used to creep me to fuck out I would just close my

eyes and whatever and then you go up you shake the family's hand you talk to them you sit with them and they got a lot of people to talk to and you don't make a big scene and you fucking slip out of that you know if they're immediate family you got to hang till the end and and it's great because like I forgot what it was to go to a fucking wake you know since I've been back here. I went to my sister-in-law's wake. One of my best buddies died. I didn't make it to that wake. It was in the heart of COVID. I didn't

want to mix formaldehyde with fucking COVID. I don't know if you guys even know what I'm going to get into. But yesterday it was different because he's a dear friend of mine, his mother passed, and he's been nothing, nothing of supportive of me. Since I

moved back here, he's great with my daughter. He taught my daughter how to play baseball. He goes to a fucking game. and he shuts his mouth and you know he's just a great guy so when i found out his mom died and his mom came to my to mercy's fucking comedian like he went down there picked her up and brought it to the party you know and so i was like you know let me go up there i just made a day of it i worked out i did what i had to do around here and then i shot up there the wake was in north bergen at my buddy veneeris funeral parlor and i uh stopped at my favorite restaurant rudy's first

I had a meeting up there first. So I was going to go from the meeting straight to the fucking wake at 3 o'clock. The wake started at 3. I was going to walk in at 3.01 and be in the car by 4. That was the plan because it's an hour drive back with traffic. Route 3, the whole fucking thing. So I got to this meeting. We had a cup of coffee.

And that was it. We talked about whatever. We had to talk. I signed two contracts. He came all from the city. I said, I'll meet halfway in Fort Lee. and I got in the car and I had like maybe it was like 2.15.

I probably had 45 minutes to spare. I said, you know what? Let me go to Rudy's. I walk in the fucking Rudy's. It's packed because it's the Croatia was playing Argentina. And the soccer thing, I had to sit in the fucking back there. I got a nice little Rhode Island fucking clam chow.

And they make it the best. And I got a half order at Kalamont. That's it. No fucking entree. I'm telling you. I'm going on this fucking superb diet. So I finish up there. I see some guys I know on the way out of Rudy's,

and I drive through my hometown. And holy fuck. Holy fuck. I don't know what the fuck happened up there. Because whenever I go north, I don't go through my hometown because of the goddamn traffic. I just, the traffic is that you just want to fuck L.A. traffic.

Listen, when I tell you fuck L.A. traffic, Hudson County traffic is on an all-time fucking horror show. Bergen line, if you go to Edgewater Road, if you go to Kennedy Boulevard, it's unbearable. So, you know, it takes me fuck. I mean, I could get from Rudy's to Veneerese and 12 fucking minutes, 10 minutes, you know, took me 30 fucking minutes. If I wasn't behind a bus, if I wasn't behind a double parked car, a fucking Puerto Rican bus, they got those Spanish buses on Union City where they fucking stop for a dollar of buses,

but the immigrants take those for a dollar and get on. That motherfucker stops everywhere. They only have bus stops, so they could just stop anywhere. You got to pay a 10. I went down Bergen line for about fucking 10 minutes, and then I had a hooker right and get the fuck off Bergen, I'm like, enough.

This is enough to make you want to fucking crash the car. Then I got on Kennedy Boulevard, and that was worse to a degree. I moved around and fucking, if you're, I'm telling you, everybody's making a left turn, and you're behind them, like, ah, and now you got to waste. There's a thousand cars coming the other way,

so you ain't getting out of that fucking left-hand lane. So I get to the fucking funeral, Paul, I parked my car. I didn't dress up in a black suit. Forget it. I'm not putting a suit on for a long drive. That'll fucking destroy me. So I fucking just wore like a nice black sweater. I busted out a brand new pair of fucking Adidas.

I'm not wearing those things no more because my feet fucking stink to high heavens. These Nike's are a lot better on my feet. Yesterday, my feet smelled so bad last night. I had to spray liceol downstairs because I could smell it. I finally go, I can't walk around with dirty feet. I went and took a shower like fucking 9-15. I was like, I can't, can't happen. I soaked my feet.

I went over, I walked into that fucking funeral, Paul, man. Now, Veneer funeral, Veneer is one of my tightest friends in the world. I love Anthony. Anthony's busy now. You know, he's got politics and he's the county commissioner. I don't see him as much as I do. We're older, you know? So it's like we talk on the phone once a week or twice a week,

and I see him every three months. We go to dinner, and I haven't seen him in like two months. Last time I saw him was at El Nito when I went to dinner with Vic, and he was there with a couple of my other friends. I walked right past him. I didn't even know. There was three guys standing there, and I just walked right past him. And he goes, Coco.

And I go, I didn't even recognize. I mean, we're getting old guys. and he was talking to the mayor I just hugged the fuck the mayor didn't even know what to do I just hugged the fucking mayor real tight I go you didn't invite me to your wedding

shit he didn't even know he I love the fuck I love mayor sacko he's a good fucking dude but uh then I talked to anthony from him he goes come see me now I had grown up guys you know I walked through that lobby and it's like

deja vu 19 fucking 80 it's 2022, 23 in 10 days, 15 days. I've been walking into Veneiars since 1978. Since I was 13 years old, I've been walking into Veneres. Either for a wake or because he was my friend, you know. And while I was talking to Anthony before I turned around, I'm like, man,

this place has got smaller. No, I got bigger. Like when I was a kid, I just was always in there. So I said hello to Anthony. I walked in. I saw the family. I saw Eddie. And I just sat down.

I didn't say nothing to anybody. There was maybe 40 people in there. I just sat there and looked around the room. I looked at the pictures. I looked at the fuck. They had no video player. They just had the family. I'm looking at it.

And all of a sudden, people started coming in. It was like one after the other. All the kids that were maybe two years older than me that I knew well, that I had grown up around. Uh, my friend Brian DeGlemy walked in fucking, I love that dude. I don't know how many dinners I had in this fucking house growing up with his brother Mike and his brother Teddy. And it's, it was just great to see him. He came right over, sat next to me, he started bullshit.

I'm like, where the fuck do you live? And then two guys came in. There was two other guys just standing there, you know, and I looked at them. I didn't recognize him. And finally the guy goes, then you go to five-star basketball camp with us. And I'm like, who the fuck are you? And he goes, I play for Snyder. I know Greg Horrenda.

We were talking about five-star basketball camp or loosened me up. And then at that point, Eddie came over. You know, I gave him a hug. He thanked me for coming. You know, his family was busy with other people. Because, listen, the wake works this way. This is the way wakes used to work. They used to be a two-day wake.

The first day is for family. The second day is for friends. Since COVID hit, they've cut wake hours and that. If you get three hours for a fucking wake, now it's a lot so the earlier people like the three the only reason why i went up early was because fucking uh i had to be back for wrestling practice and the traffic you know i just wanted to get it out of the way i wanted to go pay my respects and see him i would have gone at night if it was a wednesday night oh shit i would have gone at night because i would have gone to fucking the burger

place in north bergen there's a place in north bergen hudson burgers i hear nothing but good things about them they put a picture of a hamburger somebody ever see a picture of something you're like god damn it was god damn somebody told me they were you tremendous meat the girl's name is vienna bellow so you know I follow on Facebook and I was like fuck it

I'll go to the wake and then stop and get a burger and Hudson burgers see vienna I haven't seen her in years say hello but now I had to go in the daytime so you know I walked up I fucking talked to a few people and then People just started coming in.

Gamio, the fire department. You know, it's one of the guys from the fire department I had grown up with. I came home and gave him a big hug. Gammeo, when I saw him, I gave him the biggest hug. And I go, bro, tell these motherfuckers how we were the first bix of McKinley. Because we all went to McKinley down there. That fucking school across New York Hotel was me. Gamio, the Cortina brothers.

One's a doctor and one's a fucking teacher at Union Hill. And the beast. Alex Carbaha, Laetria. That's what they used to call them in Spanish. That motherfucker was a beast in two languages, Laetria. And the beast. So I'm talking to all these dudes, and there's a minute where I'm just sitting there, guys,

and all of a sudden, it's like, it's like I smoked a fucking joint. Like when you first smoke a joint when you were a kid, and you sit there mummified, and then your brain opens up, and you get all these fucking weird thoughts about playing on stage with Led Zeppelin. And, you know, you get all these,

When you were a kid, you smoke pot. That's what happened to me yesterday without smoking pot. It's like the fucking valve opened up. And all the memories I had in from that place just started popping the fuck up. You know, when you walk into a funeral parlor, you could smell the flowers. It's like a mix from aldehyde flowers.

But when you go away from it, like I was thinking of a story. In 1993, when I came back, Anthony had a gym downstairs. A fucking beautiful gym. Pullies and benches. and Olympic weights, you know, I don't know who was using it. And he told me, I go, can I use it?

And I was broke. You know, I was a starving comic. And I would come home from the city some nights and just shoot in there like at seven. And, you know, my friend Rago would pick me up like a 9-30 to go do comedy somewhere. So I would work out for like 45 minutes and take a bus to Cliffside.

The problem was that I would lift weights next to the room where they did the embalmings and the fucking formaldehyde, you would smell it. You would smell the formaldehyde as you were working out. So you're in there, you know, breathing, doing sit-ups, jumping jacks and shit. But at the time I was outside, I was all fucked up. I don't know if you motherfuckers have ever smoked a joint with formaldehyde in it. It'll fuck you up for three fucking days.

You'll hear shit you've never heard before. So I'm sitting there and I'm like thinking about how many, I only did a lift down there like three times because after the, third time i'm like i can't take this shit this formaldehyde gives you a fucking headache and a half and i thought about cleaning the bathrooms there i thought about barking people's cars there as a kid i thought about fucking uh you know clean the we used to clean the sink and the the general manager at the time was a picture about hair like if there was like a little tiny hair he called you in there come here look at that do you see that hair and i'm like i don't see nothing guy leave me the fuck alone

He was just complaining about a little hair I used to have to open the door for people Put the flowers in the flower car I mean I did and here's the fucking weird thing guys That when I was a kid Listen when I fucking saw my dad in a casket Only Cuban people do that shit They take a picture

Of somebody dead in a fucking casket That is the creepiest fucking thing in the world When I was a young kid I saw those pictures of my dad in the fucking casket And I was like, I'm not dealing with that shit. I'm never dealing with that shit. And then the Cuban religion has a lot of fucking spiritual things, like spiritual things where there's one part of religion

where they summon spirits and they drink fucking rum and the spirit talks to you in African. I did it a few times. It creep me to fuck out. It wasn't for me, but I was young and I wasn't paying the rent. So I had to go for a ride. You know what I'm saying? There was no babysitter available.

Yeah, that was my ride, my mom. So, you know, it wasn't for me. And then I still remember my mother's weight guys. She was in the casket. There was a couple nights. I'm like, she's my mom, but I ain't going over there. Like, I'm not fucking going over there. Like, the night that I came in and heard Zeraita fucking,

she was doing bumps and telling her how she was going to take care of me. I was 30 feet away from her, guys. I didn't want to be close to that body. It took me like two days to get close to my mother's body. She's your mother, and on top of that, I was scared of ghost and creepy things. I'm telling you guys, I've always heard things and saw spirits and shit. When I was a kid, I saw a guy with a fucking cape. I wasn't high.

I was like fucking six in my backyard. I told my mother there's a guy out there flying around like a bat. You know, I was watching too many episodes of the monsters. I don't know what the fuck happened to me. But I, you know, just fucking didn't like that world. after my mother died this is when I really got tired I knew Anthony like two years before my mother died but after my mother died I got to meet you know I got to help Anthony and he knew my mother had did so he would help me out from time to time I was in the CIA work study program a lot of

people don't know that shit a lot of people don't even know I don't even think that exists anymore the CIA work study program you go to school at 730 in the morning and you basically stay there to 1130 it's like five classes gym something else. CIA counts with 15 credits. You could get into the CIA work study program when you were a sophomore year. I got it in the middle of my sophomore year. The Balsanos got me a job. Pete, political Pete, was taking a different job. So political Pete wanted me to take the job so I could fucking keep the stealing up because he knew once he'd quit that they would know how much plywood and lumber he was taken. So he's like, you got to keep it up. I'll give you some accounts. Just give me a taste. Okay. So I knew all these motherfuckers In fact there was a cemetery Across the street where my mother's buried You know many times I went up and down that fucking block

And I would never walk on the cemetery side I would always walk across the street from the cemetery And I would make sure I was looking up I would never even look at the cemetery That's how much of a pussy I am When it comes to fucking spooks and goblins and all that shit I still sleep with a night light on There's got to be a little light in my fucking room

All these people I turn in black I put shields on I don't want to see no fucking shields Because if I'm getting choked I can't see you in the middle of fucking night I'm dog I was around with Rick Ramirez That motherfucker was breaking into your house

And choking you and taking your eyeballs And shit He ain't doing that shit to me dog Remember that company that sponsored me for a while They used to send those sleep lens I did it for like a month And I'm like I don't know

I don't feel uncomfortable I kept having to pull the fucking Zaro mask up with the sleep apnea mask, so it wasn't for me. So when I started, when I took the CIA work study program, I had to Rendell Lumber job. When Rendell Lumber fired me, I had no other choice. And then I used to see Anthony there at the CIA work study program because he had other young kids in the program. So I just told him, dog, you got to sign me up. So he would sign you in, that you worked. You had to work maybe four days a week.

That's the requirement, maybe three days part-time from 12 to five. And I still remember telling Anthony in the beginning list, now, I don't mind cleaning bathrooms. I don't mind vacuuming office. A lot of vacuuming there. A lot of vacuuming offices, scrubbing walls. I'll do anything. Just don't put me around the bodies. And he's like, sure.

But he probably knew in the back of his head the evolution of the funeral business that the more you're around it, You got to get closer to the fucking body. You know, the bodies are there. You got to adjust chairs. So there were nights we were putting our chairs and stuff. The body's already being laid out. So little by little, I started taking peaks at the body. You know what I'm saying?

And I would, like, catch myself and go, and I would run the fuck out of there. Like, I can't deal with this shit. And then finally, like, one night he's like, hey, man, we got to go pick up a body. And we went, yeah, I worked for him. What am I going to do? We had to pick the body up at JFK Airport. because people from this area move to Florida, they die and then they come back to fucking,

you know, when they die, they want to be buried back up here with their loved ones. I don't know how many fucking days. We went to all those airports. Newark, Kennedy, and he had me, Glenn Conti on the roster. He probably, Sharples, who's still there. Jimmy Labrano.

He had all of us, man. You know, this was like the perfect fucking job. It was part-time. He would let me work nights sometimes to eight of, clock at night but that job having that job overcome my fear to being around fucking bodies even when i go to the cemetery i would go in the back door of the cemetery like a not a door like a back fence because it was a shorter distance to my mother i would never take the because i didn't want to be caught the fuck in there that's how now i walk through the fucking cemetery and it's because of anthony

because of picking up and being around, you know, dead bodies, you know. But the fucking clinkler was Michael Jackson was playing at the Metallands, 19, fucking 85, the victory tour. Anthony had four tickets. He was gracious enough to take me. At that time, Anthony was my, you know, I was down and out, guys, and he would take care of me. I slept on his pool table, you know.

He was a great friend. He still is a great friend. I'm lucky to fucking have him. but we were going to fuck in Michael Jackson, and we were in a rush to get to the Middlelands, and we had to pick up a body in Kennedy Airport in a hearse, and we came back, and I ran in first, because I had to get on the phone.

Somebody had paged me. I ran in, then the garage door open, and then they have rollers, and one person could do it, really, just pull the body off, and the wheels come down automatically, and then, well, by mistake, when he pulled the reel down,

The body was rolling towards me. And I didn't even know it. And when I turned, the body hit me and the guys had a, you know, thing on it. But I saw, like, from the impact that hit me, his little mouth opened up. Guys, I wanted to fucking die right there. Die. That don't happen to most people. You know, and I was like, that's it.

My funeral fucking Paula days are coming to an end. But that, that right there, that's something that would have fucking killed me when I was, you know, three. years before that, four years before that. So at that time, it was, it worked. But I'm sitting there daydreaming about all this shit. Like, I'm like, and

people like, hi, how are you? I'm like, hold on one second. Let me finish my fucking daydream. Because it was tremendous at all. You know, it's like a fucking well of information that came in. And I'm like, wow. Did you go to a concert after that? That day? Oh, yeah. We went to the Michael Jackson concert. Like, we owned that motherfucker.

The Jackson's were there for eight nights. Then there was a break for two days. Then Bruce Springsteen was coming in for nine nights. This was, yeah, July of 84. That's how back we go, you know. So it was great just to open up my mind to that. I hadn't thought about that in years, all the fucking hustling and just being in that place.

It was one of the best jobs I ever had. It taught me a lot. It taught me detail. That job taught me how to detail. People don't want to come in, and that's why that dude was so picky about the hairs and shit. paying for a funeral. And he did, guys, I've never

met anybody. I had a bad experience there. As a matter of fact, I got my little fucking tub, a candy and shit. Yeah, Gineery Funeral Home, North Perg and New Jersey. My brother, he gave me in 93, every year he gives something.

Like, when I went up there yesterday, I brought some pens back. I gave my daughter a pen this morning to take the school. Give this to your teachers just in case. You know, I, uh, I always used his calendars. For years, I would only use his calendar. His calendar was my comedy calendar. The Veneery Funeral Pah.

I asked him, yes, you got a calendar for him. He gave me that. But fucking crazy. He gave me a bag. You know, when you, at the end of the funeral, you have all these mask cards and stuff, and you put them in a bag. Well, Veneery made a Veneery Funeral Home bag.

And I didn't, you know, I just, he gave me to me one day, and I didn't think about it. And then I got a job in the city, and I'm like, fuck it. Now I would get on the train with that little bag. And people look at me and go, like, people would get grossed out by me having a little funeral parlor bag. It said venerial fernel of Paula. But the highlight yesterday was, I never mentioned this dude's name to you guys because I don't want to confuse anybody.

When I grew up, I grew up with the Bousanels. And this is the highlight yesterday. And it happened as I was walking out. I went to see Anthony. I said goodbye, gave him a big hug. I took a picture of one of his employees. I saw my buddy Sharples, who I loved dearly. And I went outside and when I was outside, somebody was like, Coco, was that you?

And I'm like, yeah, he goes, you don't remember me? I go, I fuck remember you. He goes, you know, man, he goes, I mean, me and this guy were not tight at all. As a matter of fact, I know for a fact as a kid, he was not fond of me. He was a straight up guy. You know, I forgot to ask him what he ended up doing. but his father used to work at Rendell Lumber with me. He didn't work for Rendell Lumber.

And this is why you know I won't mention his name because his father was the dude who bought coins. He bought coins and rings in 1979 and 80. If you guys check it out for yourself, Google it. The price of gold skyrocketed to like 800 an ounce. And all these places started popping up. Like Little Plains, you know, we buy gold chains. He had a little, like a little fucking thing at the hardware store.

And I would go in there every day and I was polite to him, you know, for the sake of the story, his name was Mr. B. I always told you guys, between the ages of 16 and 19, I had this creepy fucking other life. Once I moved uptown, that creepy downtown life went away. You know, when my mother died when I turned 16, 17, all those years, I hung up with Mike Denny. and he was doing some creepy shit,

and I couldn't tell my friends what he was doing. He's doing time now in North Carolina. It doesn't matter. And we were doing some creepy shit. And I just had, you know, I had my regular high school friends, but they had to be in an 11. I had no fucking curfew.

So I would do little side jobs with these other guys. You know, they were just teaching me the ropes. And I had Mike Danny, I had this guy, Pat, and I had this guy, Mr. B. Mr. B was the most decent of all. Mr. B belonged to a crime family. He never told me that, but I knew by talking to him and talking to other people.

He was very low-key, had a shitty fucking car. He would just go in there every day and buy fucking coins. That was his gig. As a mafia dude, he just bought coins. He had some money. He had a construction company, too, on the side. So we became friends, and he told me if you ever have coins or anything, bring them by. It was perfect because at that time I was beginning my journey.

into the low-life isms of burglaries and shit. And I could just bring him shit. He wouldn't make me do paperwork. And he wouldn't say nothing to me. You know, he never judged me, never asked. He bought me lunches across the street. There was like a little place on Tully Avenue. He would buy me lunch.

And he would buy me like little bagels and shit like that. Oh, I know what he would always buy me, ham an egg on a fucking Kaiser roll. Tremendous. So, uh, and then he started giving me little fucking jobs, like cool jobs. Some of them were kind of kinky, but he's the guy that used to make me sweep the roof. You know, like sweep the roof, $15 an hour, just an hour, just sleep. I'm fucking 17 years old, $15 an hour at that time. I blow you.

It was $4.50 an hour of fucking minimum wage. This guy's giving me $15 an hour for five hours. He would make me, like, if his construction company built the wall, I don't know why. If there were a union or that, I don't know if he was just trying to help me out. He was going picking you up at five. I want you to sit by the wall between six and nine I don't care what you do, bring a friend to sit with you and need you by that fucking wall.

And I would just sit by the fucking wall with this guy. And then he taught me about, like, he was one of the many guys that would always sell hot shit. Like, he had blow dryers and fucking, you know, bubble bath. I remember he came in with a case of Mr. Bubble one day. You guys don't even remember Mr. I bought, like, fucking 10 of those things. I love Mr. Bubbles.

I gave him away for Christmas presents. and shit. This guy would bring his shit all the time to the hardware store, but I, you know, I got to know him. And he told me once, he goes, you know, my son's aren't crazy by, I got to know they're a little older, a little more strict. And he just helped me out a lot when I was a kid. He was one of my creepy. I must have done a thousand fucking dirty things for him that nobody knew about. But, you know, we just stopped hanging one day.

But when I saw his son, he goes, he died. You know, I go, how's your dad? He goes, you passed away, but, you know, 15 years ago or something, he goes, but he goes, I showed him the longest yard, and I told him that was you. And he goes, boy, you got fat. He goes, I bet he was proud of you at the end. He goes, you know, he gave me his hand, he shook my hand. And that was it.

That was my fucking wake. I got in the car. I saw another buddy of mine of Ville. I saw this guy balls. I haven't seen him since high school. That was his name, Balls. And he had nothing but balls, this guy. He was tough motherfucker.

And it was just kind of nice to get out of here. And it's a shame it was awake. You know, that's what, like I sat here. Usually I go to a wake. I'm fucked up for two days. Not this time. I felt kind of good. It was her time to go.

It wasn't a horrible fucking debt, you know. She was 80, and I felt great about it. So every once in a while you got to go to your comfort zone. fucking wakes. I hate him with all my heart. And when he first called me and told me about his mom dying, I can't tell you, I didn't cry a little bit in the car, because he's a sweetheart, he's an Irishman.

His mother was Irish, bad man. All his friends, like from Deguomi to Gamia, all those guys that were there talking, all said the same thing. They remembered his mother going back to his house with his mother, and she would have cookies and they would play baseball. It's just a different

fucking life. And that's what I was talking to Gourmet about. He goes, you know, I listen to the podcast from time to time I listen to the church a lot more because my son was home. He goes, and he would ask me about those stories. And I told him, we grew up in a very fucking special place with a very special bond. I mean, he had a bunch of his childhood friends in there. That was just tremendous to fucking see. Anyway, enough with the fucking funeral parlor. But remember, all your funeral things, go to Vanier Funeral Parlor.

My brother, tell him you want the Cocoa Day. discount. You get like a dollar off. Maybe he'll give you an extra flower, some shit like that. And then I had some fucking excitement. When did I have some excitement? Monday night at practice. Guys, I love my daughter. I'm not father of the year.

I've never said I was. I never said I was the man of the year. I make a ton of fucking mistakes. But I do have one thing going for me. It's not comedy. It's not the size of my balls. It's not that I'm funny. None of that shit. The only thing I have that's always very good on my side is I've always been very intuitive,

if that's the word to say. I've always looked at things and go, you know what, that's not for me because I tell you what's going to happen. This is going to happen. This is going to happen. I've always been one of those guys. It's not negative thinking. For years, I thought it was negative thinking. It's just a way to think that, you know, just it works for me, guys.

So my wife took this coaching job. And again, it's her job. I never fucking muscled in. I never, nothing, nothing. She did the picks. She dosed the lineups. I don't even sit on the coaches thing. I sit on the other side and I just cheer for her.

And I cheer for the girls. And right before the season started, she goes, I got a call from this girl. She wants to play. The father called me, okay. And we get down there, and I see the guy and I say how he's talking to my wife. And I see how he's acting. And right away, I made a fucking decision. I go, this guy's going to be a problem.

It doesn't take a genius. Doesn't take a fucking genius to know this guy's going to be a problem. You know, again, when I go watch my daughter, do whatever, I've never, I don't give it $20 to hit a home run. I don't, you know, none of that shit. I want her to play the game.

I want her to laugh because that's all you want from your kids. And Mike, when your son gets old and he's playing soccer or stickball, whatever the fuck they decide to choose, and he strikes out. It doesn't fucking matter. It really doesn't matter.

At the end of the fucking... Nobody's going to remember. Oh, you're drunk. But, you know, in the sports world, I read that Pistol Pete Marevich book, and I fucking hated it. That's one of my favorite books, but I fucking hated it.

I hated how his dad treated him. Always did. fucking, you know, just used to make him sleep outside, fucking beat him and shit. If he, I just, and when I came here, I started going to Luke's games, Jimmy Florentine's son. And I didn't see a lot of it, but I saw it from time to time, you know, and that's okay. When my wife started, when we started playing softball, I heard it the first year, but then it disappeared, the chitter-chatter, the challenging the coaches, the fucking, why doesn't the stadium have lights? Why don't we have hot dogs? Why don't we have a fucking, why don't we have a flag?

You know, there was always complaints from parents. I do, it's fucking baseball. I grew up in North Bergen. You know what our fucking fields look like? We played at Schutton Park. The butcher was up there. That motherfucker would chase you with a butcher knife. That's why they called him the butcher and a dog, okay, when we were playing baseball.

So when I see grass, four fucking bases, dirt, you got me. You're good, okay? This year with basketball, fucking everything. I mean, she picked a great. team they were all young girls she picked four of the girls from the softball team so they had that bond and you know listen my daughter all of them they they barely know the fucking rules okay when i go there and i'm a basketball dude and it's pain for the watch okay when you're a basketball dude it's pain for the watch but i watch it and i understand what's going on they don't know it i'm

just happy that she's doing it not sitting upstairs on a fucking computer screen so this far every fucking week if something, you know. And the thing that I saw that I didn't like right off the bat was that no matter what was going on with my wife on the sidelines, this motherfucker would call his daughter over and then he would give her instructions or whatever my wife was telling her. He was fucking giving her instructions. And that's like backbite. And what's the purpose of this? So she could score 10 points or whatever.

Who's here? The NWBA, MW, what is it, WMBA? Who's here? Holy Cross here. Who the fuck is here? Who's here? They're fucking nine and ten years old guys. No, you're fucking, you know, he walks in with a scarf, Mr. fucking whatever.

Okay. Last Saturday, they're three and no. Last Saturday, they're going to that fourth game. Fucking great game. But for some reason, it got a little physical. And there was one ref with a bad fucking leg. And he's got to be 65 fucking. fucking years old. Now, I'm not mad at the ref. A dog, I had a ref of a glass eye. Okay? In the eighth grade, we had a ref that had one glass eye. And if he'd call a foul on you from the fucking right side, we've caught, we, you know, challenge him. Like, dog, did you really fucking see that? You don't have a fucking left eye. You got a glass eye. How the fuck did you see that? Anyway, this is Jersey referee. They always got a fucking dilemma. The one guy had like a little hook and he would blow his fucking hand with the whistle. They always got some fucking.

handicap or something so but they're controlling the game to the best of their abilities both of these teams including my daughter who's a fucking karate fucking fouler was karate you know they were each hitting each other but every time they would hit this guy's daughter he would yell ref what the fuck they're hitting my daughter and meanwhile everybody's karate chop and now if you know any rules about basketball when somebody jumps to get a shot you're supposed to jump straight up once your hand goes down whether you hit them or not that's a fucking foul When somebody's dribbling at you, if you're like this, you're fine. If they go to cross over and your hand is there, it's no foul.

But if you reach for the ball in high school basketball in New Jersey, that's a foul, little things. And you go, but I didn't touch them. It doesn't matter. You reached. The ref's off from the other angle. You had a glass eye. You fucked up. It all fucking works together.

And I'm not saying nothing to the rap. There's two girls in particular that are really hitting each other. The centers, the two centers were being. battling it out. It wasn't good. So, anyway, I'm sitting there last Saturday with my friends, other parents, other dads. This guy's on the other side. He won't shut the fuck up. He won't shut the fuck out. Why is she doing this? Like, just saying shit about my wife. Now, game one, I should have probably choked him, but I didn't. I'm a gentleman. I'm a Christian. I go, you know, I'm not going to come here. I'm not that type of person, guys. I don't say shit at those

games. Complain, complain, complain, foul, foul, foul, Saturday. Okay, we left there. And then, and the way out, one of the moms is like, is he saying something to your wife? I go, he better not be, and I yelled at my wife, Ruttert. And she looked like, was there fucking problems? We could stop this guy, because you got to nip this

motherfucker in the bud, and that was my problem. I didn't nip him in the bud game, one or two. So, this Monday, we have practice. I'm sitting on the stage. I'm not bothering nobody. I'm sitting one with the moms, and he comes in. What are we doing here? We're going to do a scrimmage. And there's another team there.

One of the gyms was closed. And now we were stuck at the same gyms. We're going to go home. Let's scrimmage the other game. We just played her on Saturday. Let's scrimm it. The coach is like, let's do it. And we'll stop them and tell them what they're doing wrong.

Tremendous. My wife comes over and she goes, listen to the two dads. She goes, listen. And the other dad's a sweetheart. He goes over to his dad and he goes, listen. Today's game, we have to learn how to do assist. So your two daughters are not going to be shooting. They're going to be passing as guards.

The other guy didn't say anything. The other guy made like a face. Well, she's going to be a well-rounded play. Right away, I should have got up and said something. I don't say anything, guys. Again, the holiday season's coming. I don't want no fucking problems. They're playing.

He's complained about the fouls again. Where's the falls? You know, this was a continuation from Saturday. Guys, you know, I just couldn't take it. So now there was a play. where the ball went to the corner and the girls tumbled. And he goes, time, time, time. And then the girls tumbled after he said time.

This guy comes flying out of there like, hey, you should have stopped after the fucking playing. The coach on the other team goes, whoa, relax. They're playing. It happens. And that's when I just fucking went off. I go, guys, sit the fuck down. You haven't shut the fuck up since Saturday with those foul. What is the matter with you?

And sure enough, these white privilege, You know, the whole fucking thing. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Go let them play. What the fuck is wrong with you enough? And right away, he left, and they came back. He had to talk to my wife, and they went outside. My wife's like, don't say another word.

My wife was mad at me, and they go outside, and then they have a talk, and she comes back, and her face is red, and I go, what happened? They go, nothing. And then I'm like, don't say another word. And then as the practice ended, she told me what had happened, that she told him. She goes, you're not her fucking coach. I am. And he fucking, his whole demeanor changed.

And then he told my wife he was pulling him from the fucking team. So he's going to shit on the other girls because, and what really happened here, guys, has been walking around Mr. White Privilege. The other coach shut him down, which was tremendous because he froze. And then I told him to shit the fuck down. Shut the fuck up.

He doesn't even know about the game. This guy has never touched the fucking basketball in his goddamn life. And I love the daughter. She's a sweet kid. She's going to be great player someday. But this guy's one of these guys that's going to be at every fucking practice. I think my daughter should start. A coach at the camp.

Shut the fuck up. If you want to coach, coach. Until then, shut the fuck up. So here's where it gets better. The practice ends. I'm cool. He's got three little fucking coaches out there talking to him. I told him to go fuck himself.

And when I walk out, I go, is there a problem? And he just looks at me. with that stupid face. I walked to the end of the thing. I saw one of my coaches, Eddie, Ed. He coached Mercy, so he came over. What happened? This fucking guy.

He goes, I know that that dude's a pain he asses. He's walking by. He holds his daughter tighter, and he walks past me. I don't say nothing, guys. I'm an adult. When I get outside, he's outside with his daughter, talking to some other guy in a fucking outy. Whatever.

They're talking, and I look at him, and I don't say a word. I get home. My wife is like, he's texting me. He wants to fight you. He wants you to go to his house right now and all this shit. And I'm like, I'll go to his fucking house, but he could just give him the address. Let him come here.

You know, I'm not going to fucking back down from some guy. I mean, I'm a fucking old man, but I don't need this shit in my life. But he was texting. Yeah, and then he told my wife that his daughter's a black belt. And if they file her again, she could beat up all little girls on that court and all this shit. Yeah. So I knew, dog, I felt really guilty. I hate making a mistake, especially embarrassing my family, my wife and my daughter.

Before I make those kind of mistakes, I grab all the facts. Like when I went off on that stupid coach and his wife was there too, the fucking coach from the softball. You know, he comes to the games and sits on the other bleachers. He's never apologized to the moms or anything for doing that to us. These are the people you deal with today. It's a shitty fucking world, guys. But you know what? I made my fucking point.

And I thought about going over there and arguing with him and not. It's like, what's the sense? How old are we one now? You know what, man? This guy is just hurting his fucking daughter by doing this shit. I'm happy because my whole point was my wife's the only woman in that league. I love my wife very much, guys. And there's one thing about my wife, you call me a spic, fat, I'm not funny, I'm a criminal.

You say whatever the fuck you want about me, and I'll giggle it off with you. you mess with my wife or my daughter it's not going to be a good day for you I got nothing to lose anymore it's just I don't need to deal with this shit so I spoke my piece he told my wife he was pulling her from the team and getting the throat out of the league

and all this shit and my wife made some call yeah and me not allowed to be at the fucking games and the whole thing about this is guys he got shit on and probably got shit on somebody called him out

and what did I tell you about white privilege? They all do this nobody's river talking this is black for me you know no this is the king of swing motherfucker one dime one phone call

20 motherfucking Puerto Ricans how do you want to do this? How do you want to do this? And this is how I live my life I'm just trying to be a good guy I was telling Mike that I get up in the mornings I always try to make somebody's day

I mind my fucking business I don't give a fuck especially now, the state of mine I've been lately the last year, I don't give a fuck about that this shit. You guys might think, and people send me stuff, do you care? What's going on now? Guys, I tell Mike when he comes here, what's going on?

The only thing I fucking read is Yahoo. And I read like one thing until I'm, you know, that still throw Kanye under the fucking bus every day. Now he's saying shit about Jews family, Russian Jews. It's all bullshit, guys. Just, uh, we got a fucking. 10 more days to Christmas. And listen, some podcast along, some podcast is short.

As a, I love podcast thing, and I love podcast. I don't care what guest is on. I don't care if Jesus is on. I don't care who the fuck is on. The only thing I could do, you got me for 40 minutes when you do a podcast. You got me for about 40 minutes. And then when I come home that night, I can finish up your podcast. if it's three hours, four hours, Lex Friedman and all that shit,

it takes me a week to listen to those fucking things, okay? When I started doing podcasting, we were doing three-hour podcast, two-hour podcast, an hour podcast, and you listen to them. And you're like, these podcasts were great, but they should have ended 30 minutes earlier. That podcast was great, but it should have ended an hour earlier. You know, I just lost an hour of my time listening to you guys talk about whatever. Joe Diaz improving you know for the 18th fucking time

So There's days I come on here I want to talk to you motherfuckers for an hour And there's days I got on here I got 45 minutes And there might be a day I got 30 minutes I don't fucking know And it's all how I feel

In fact I'm doing you motherfuckers a favor It's not that I don't want to be here It's that whatever I got to tell you I fucking told you cock suckers I'm figuring what to do out in 2023 I'm gonna talk to Mike and the next couple weeks we'll probably take the Christmas week off and we'll make some changes. I have been looking for an office around here.

I met with a realtor the other day and she's going to keep her eyes open. I talked to the guys at the mall over here. I went to the medical building and saw if they had a closet that maybe we could just shoot videos in or whatever. Because I think once I get out of the house, it'll be a lot fucking better. This was a two-year experiment. I wanted to see what was going on. COVID, you know, before I got a studio, whatever. If I want to drive up north, that's not happening.

I don't want to drive up north every day. I don't really don't want to drive much. I just want to keep it around here, maybe a little closer to Mike's house. And I'm trying to figure out a way for fucking guests and whatnot. Bear with me. I've been doing this for a long fucking time. And, you know, I don't enjoy half of these fucking nightmares. But I got to do them.

I got to do this shit to keep you motherfuckers. in check and to keep me in check because without this I got fucking nothing. So, oh, and I got good news. You ready, cock suckers? Laughing gas is in New York City.

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