The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #222 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 19, 2022

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This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, December the 19th. Maryland sports fans, listen up. Draft King's Sportsbook is now live in your motherfucking state. Go to Jimmy's Crab Corner, get a crab cake, download.

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Also, download the Draft King's fantasy app. They've got tremendous fucking deals and pools every day, but it starts with you. Download the Draft King's Sportsbook app, enter Code Joey, and let's get this motherfucking podcast. party started. Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply. See show notes for details. Let's do this cocksuckers. Download the app. Light that candle, Mike. Let's get this party started. It's fucking Monday. What up, you bad motherfuckers. It's the pre-Christmas motherfucking week. I hope you

motherfuckers are all excited about what's going on. Santa's coming. The whole thing. Everybody's jumping up and down. But it's fucking Monday, cock-suckers. And there's nobody. better than you. That's it. That's how we start this podcast off. In case you're feeling a little low right now today, you know, this is the type of week.

People like, I don't have enough money. I can't buy my grandmother a present. Listen, guys, it works out. I told you a thousand times. It's not about the fucking presents and what you show up with. It's just showing up sometimes.

With a handshake in your heart. And that's it. Just listen, man, some Christmases are better than others. Other people walking around wounded because of family passing. You know what? Put them in the back burner.

You know, say a prayer for them, light a candle and try to have the best fucking holiday you could have. That's it. Guys, it's simple. You can sit around and be a fucking mope over the holidays or some people hate the fucking holidays. I used to be one of those people, but things happen, things change.

You meet people, you meet friends. You got a family, and all sudden Christmas means something completely different and you're out of the goddamn woods. So don't let it get you. you down. It's just another motherfucking day. And, hey, listen, I was down for about 20 fucking Christmases. I was

down for about 30 Christmases. I sat there. I don't have money for presents. I don't have money for Coke. I don't have money. I don't have a Christmas present for my Coke dealer. What the fuck? You know, what am I going to do? But at the end of the game, that it fucking matter. It doesn't fucking matter. So, worry about

your health. Worry about your family. And just say, next year. There's an I owe you. Next year. And listen, If you need to sleep all Christmas Day, that's great too, man. If it works for you, just try to have one, you know, if you could find one fucking positive thing, like maybe somebody's going to make a turkey or something like that, you like turkey. I don't know.

But I remember like a Thanksgiving I had that I had nobody around, no car, no fucking money. I had enough money for a Boston market turkey. I had like two joints I had like a bottle of beer or something and a thing of soda and I'll never forget like that morning I started up really downed myself like what the fuck man

and by the afternoon I got my white meat I got my mashed potatoes you dope them up with a little stick of butter and shit and the Thanksgiving wasn't that bad it was just a solo Thanksgiving and you just find

listen I got two joints on Christmas could be worse I could be in the county jail with no joints eating a fucking dead salami sandwich so and trust me I've been there too it's not fucking fun and that's what you focus on for me this year

listen I'm happy I don't have any gigs this week like I have to run around and shit I got enough shit to do just walking into a store I have such a hard time just walking into a store guys and a lot of you guys like but Joey no

no I tried last week I went to CVS to try to get some fucking And that's how my Christmas shopping started. I went to CVS to try to get Christmas cards. And there was nothing. There was like nothing. I got like one card from my daughter.

Everybody else had bogus fucking cards. So I got a little down. You know, when you go to the first stop and they got nothing for you, you're like, Jesus Christ. I usually go to like four stores tops. And I go in and out. I know exactly what I want to fucking get. I got a couple gifts left.

I got to go run this week. But I'm not killing myself. I wrote, like I said, two weekends in a row, Uncle Joey, as keen as I say I am, I said, let me go out on a fucking Saturday and see what I could find. Yesterday, there was a line. There was a right turn I had to make. There was a line in that right turn that I would have been in that line. No, no fucking lie. I would have been in that line for 25 minutes, just waiting to make a right.

If I would have committed to that road, I saw where the line was. So I kept going. I'm like, I'm fucking dead today. And then there was a line by my Costco on Route 9. That motherfucker led all the way up to Mars between people getting, I don't know what all these people getting gas. Where the fuck are you going? There was a line just to get gas.

That was, you know. And then Route 18 north, they were sticking out. Like the cars were out. And I looked and I saw fucking. red lights all the way up and I go well I guess I'm not going to them all because I was going to go to New Brunswick more maybe East Brunswick

see what they had there go to Barnes and Nobles I like the little Barnes and Nobles and fucking whatever that fucking mall is New Brunswick and I was going to go there and I go out that was my shopping so I went to a health food store and I'm like maybe I'll buy some people health food products and shit so I ordered some audit stuff for people

and that's it that's you know you do the best you can. Guys, you do the best you can't. Some people love to go Christmas shopping. They really do. There's some people that started Christmas shopping in September. That's what they do. There's some people who love to

go to fucking weddings. There's a friend of mine. I talk to all the time. I ask her about the kids. They're at a wedding. How many fucking people do they know that's getting married? I mean, what the fuck? She went to a marriage, went to a wedding Saturday. The 17th of December. Who the

fuck gets married? On the 17th of December. Like, do you need the tax break? I mean, who the fuck gets married on that day? So, you know, me, I'm not a shopper, guys. I go in. I even hate to try on clothes. Like, before I go clothes shopping,

I'll go upstairs and see what size my Levi's are. And I'll run right in there and get that same fucking size. That's how lazy I am. I don't try them on. I just want to be in and out, guys. I was never a shopper. That's why I don't have anything. I can't, I don't know, I fucking hate going into places, especially this time of the year.

You ever go into a place with money and nobody takes care of you? You've been going to a place, you're like, all right, I got my $500 limit down on the visa fucking express card. You know, whatever the fuck. You know, when you have those first little limits and you get it up to like $4.20 and then you work it down to like $50 and you're like, all right, I'm going out to buy a shirt for Saturday night. Remember we used to buy a shirt for Saturday night? Like I haven't bought a shirt for Saturday night in 30 fucking years Remember that when you're like up I'm gonna go buy a shirt for Saturday night

I'm going to a club and shit I haven't bought a shirt I don't give a fuck about a shirt For Saturday night over 30 goddamn years I just remembered that I That was where my hatred came A fucking see it comes out when you talk Therapy pays cock suck and just talking about shit

That was where it came from I don't know But anyway the holiday seasons is here And you're gonna make the best of them Guys, I'm looking forward to the holidays this year. I'm looking forward to the show on the 28th. I'm looking forward to putting something together for New Year's. I don't know what.

Like, I just want to put something together for New Year's. I went to eat with one of my jih Titchito teachers at this restaurant. We were talking. The guy was like, if you want to stop in and do 10 minutes on New Year's Eve, because we have a DJ. I'm like, I can't just stop it and do comedy on. But no, nothing like that. I just want to do something like, you know, I don't know.

I'm not going to drink. I'm not going to drive. Yeah, I have some fun. Maybe do a block party with the snow. I don't know. But anyway, this week we're going to talk about resolutions because the fucking, the time is coming. And something happened this weekend.

I didn't know exactly what had happened. I just saw some stuff on Saturday, and then I saw some stuff yesterday, and I saw some stuff this morning. But last night I read a few emails from people going, what did I think about Tom? Tom's the girl going off on his podcast. Did you see that, Mike?

Tom's the girl went off on his podcast about people, I don't know. Or jealous, right? Well, it's not even jealousy, you know, and it's about insecurity. It's a very big insecurity, and I had that insecurity for years, and that's what made me a thief, and in turn, it made me hate for certain people. You know, when people have things you don't have. It makes you look at them a certain way. Either you look at them with, you know, happy, I don't even know what the word is.

Either you look at them and you're proud for them maybe happy, or you look at them and you say, why does that guy have that? And, you know, Tom did a video. There was a segment of his two bears, one cave, where he's like, when he ever gets a watch or a car, people reach out to him and say, you make me feel bad or whatever, jealousy or whatever he was talking about.

And he made some great points. He made a point that he talked about your mental state, like what your mental state is. And he's, dog, a lot of people are going to find that, like, the people, the two people reached out to me actually reached out to me for me to, like, insert a negative comment. I had to look at it and think about it before I even brought it here. because it's the thing that we all have. When I was a fucking kid, I fucking hated most people

who had shit I didn't have. I hated most people that had parents that were successful and were able to pass on things to their children. You always look at those kids as weak or whatever, but it's not that. It's a jealousy that you have. You say they're going to be weak or they're spoiled.

Yeah, the fuck that. They give you guys, it doesn't fucking matter. What matters is you and how you do it. You know, I talked about Veneery the other day on the podcast. My dear friend that owns a funeral parlor, and we were kids, I got with Venerys. And as I got older, I got with Anthony. You know how many nights they went out to a restaurant or a bar and got a steak and a couple beers? And I didn't have the $20 to get a fucking steak or the $30 to get a steak.

I didn't have the money to get a beer. In fact, all my friends did that. And as I got older, yes, I got little jobs. attending jobs, whatever. But when I would go on those things, one dinner, and my check for the week would be over with. A dinner, a gram of Coke, and a few cocktails, you're fucking done.

You're done. So the rest of the nights, when you go out with them and they're doing things you can't afford to do, yes, there's insecurity. Yes, you feel fucking shitty. Yes, like, you're like, fuck that dude. He could have bought me a gram of Coke to you. No.

People aren't in business to buy you shit. and people aren't in business to worry about your feelings. Always remember that. You know, when I moved to New Jersey, towards the end of the church, it was very overwhelming. It was very overwhelming. And we'll pick it back up.

I'll tell you when it really started in my life. I got away from that. Like, listen, the mindset that Tom is talking about is that one day you go, you know what? You know, I don't have that. So instead of hating the fucking person or hating his parents or whatever you hate on, go guess what?

I'm going to make a mental note. That's what I want. He said, you're thinking like a loser. Yes, that's what I want. That's what I want. And I got to figure out a way to get it. You know, when I was a kid, somebody said to me, what do you want in your life?

What's your biggest goal? And I was like, you know, when I was on Coke and shit, I want to test a rose. One of those fucking cars with the wings and shit. And the guys like cut it out and put it on your wall and look at it every day. You know what that did for me? Nothing. That made me even more out of touch.

Because what I needed to put on the wall was the picture of the Testerosa and how I was going to attain it. What steps I needed to do to attain it? You got to stay in more. You can't eat out every night. You know, you got to go to work 80 hours a week. even to the littlest fucking note. Like, you know, how am I going to attain this fucking $300,000 car? At least that's what it was when I was looking at it.

You know, so again, when I used to hang out with the, you know, Colorado, I met guys that were well, you know, I made fucking an hourly wage. I was a mother. I had no high school diploma. What do you? You have no high school diploma, but then you want somebody to give you a fucking $30,000 car. It don't work that way. I wish it did.

We all wish it did, right? But it don't work that way. So when I would be in those Boulder, when I moved to Boulder, you know how many fucking kids? I hung out with Boulder that I would go to lunch with them and they'd have a fucking Audi. And they were three years younger than me. And I'm like, I got to ride my bike to meet you for lunch. And meanwhile, they have a fucking Audi. And whatever.

Their dad co-signed it. But they still had to make the fucking payments on it. So before you go raising your hand You know how bad that makes you feel? Because I tell you, there's nothing worse to me. There's no worse feeling than being in your 20s. If you can make it out of your fucking 20s to your 30, I swear to God, if you can make it out of your 20 to your 30,

you're going to go a long way. Most people don't even make it. Amy Winehouse didn't make it. Jimmy Hendricks didn't make it out of this fucking time. A lot of motherfuckers that coming out of the gate, that successful didn't make it. It's a lot. It's a lot of fucking pressure.

you to put on something. I'm not saying nothing negative. I'm just saying like, it's tough to make it out of your 30s. 20s. It's fucking tough. I used to have a bit that one night I was just sitting there was talking to somebody

and they were like, I don't know what to do. I'm 28. This had to be two years ago in LA, years ago. And from the conversation, I wrote a bit because I'm like, you know, in your 20s, it's a fucking wild. And I didn't write the bit like at home that night

as I was telling me. talking advice back and forward. I'm like, hey man, you know, being in your 20s sucks. It sucks for more reason than one. You get beat up, you get abused, you got nothing, you fucking get dumped by girls, you think that if you have a car, girls are going to fuck you, that's not going to happen either.

You're going to have a fucking magic carpet. If you're ugly, you're fucking ugly. If you got no personality, you got no personality. That's me. All right, I don't give a fuck if you got a magic carpet with a fucking Indian guide in the fucking way. It's not going to work out for you. But that's the shit we think in our fucking 20s. It's the dumbest thing.

I got, listen, I'd go for hours about the stupid shit I did in my 20s and what I thought and what I expected and how I thought it was going to just get given to me. Like, I really thought it was going to get given to me. I'm not lying to you guys. someone and then when it wasn't given to me I started taking it I started taking it you don't think that was a problem that that's a fuel that was an insecurity that I had

growing up and then I got to LA and then you get in cars with comics you know he you just did a seven minute open mic and you get in a comics car who's got fucking bat wings and machine gun turrets and you know and you're like

or someday I'm going to have this. How do you think I felt when I moved to L.A. And my best friend was Doug Stannholm. And he had the world by the balls. And I was one of his flunkies. I'd walk into a place with him. And people go, who's this fucking guy?

What do you think the insecurity you build then? And then you're like, you know what? Stanhope is my brother. He's my main man. I don't want nothing from him. I just want him to show me the ropes. Now I got to go get my own ropes. I could have sat with Stanhope.

Do you ever see like a comic or a musician? or somebody famous and he's always got eight guys with him the same eight guys. Yeah, some of them are there to help them and they really care for them for those guys are there to see what the fuck they could get.

You know, so those are all you know, shit that happens to you when you're young. Then I moved to L.A. And like I said, you know, you have all these, you're around, you're in a room with Chris Rock. How do you think I felt the first time

Chris Rock was in a room and I'm at the comedy store? He's got something. He's got something. what I want. He's got what I want. So do I fucking hate him? Do I kiss his ass? No, I watch his set. I watch what he's doing that I'm not doing and I pay attention to him. Oh, he's in LA for two weeks working on his fucking Oscar set. Well, let me fucking follow all his sets and see what he does differently than I'm not doing. That's completely different than me sitting there hating. And then there's another

flip side to that in LA. And then, you know, you get into the comedy store, and there's a bunch of guys. I was talking to somebody the other day, and they were telling me they're focusing on something. Their big focus was this thing. And they were trying to expand their business. And thank you, brother. They were trying to expand their business, and they did it, but the business wasn't working. It just wasn't working out at that time, you know.

So they had to close it up. And I said to him, your business in this field is so high. Like, it's great. Now you're dead. It's like, okay, let me give you an example. It's like having a jiu-jitsu school in a small market, being the first Brazilian in fucking Indiana. Okay. And opening up a store, a jihitsu school in downtown Indianapolis.

There was maybe another martial arts store. Maybe there was a jihitsu place. And since you're a Brazilian, you blossom. You have a great kids program. You blossom. You're doing better than you ever fucking thought you're doing. You anticipated 100 students. You got 100 kids and 300 fucking students.

And they're there every fucking night. And you got to hire, you know, other instructors and strength and fitness guys. You want to make this to complete jujitsu martial arts fucking place. But then one day you got a wild bug up your ass. You said, you know what? I met a girl in fucking New Jersey. So I'm going to move up to New Jersey. and open up a school up there.

Now you come up here, you got the Gracies, you got Garden State, you got fucking, you know, you got a lot of, you got the Silver Fox, you got all these great jih jitoo schools, Gracie Garwood, Gracie Long Branch, and you want to plant your flag in the middle of this. And it's a little slow for you, so you start hiring marketing firms and blah, blah, blah,

and this guy, and this guy, and influences, and you just dumped $100,000, and it's not working. You didn't fail. You just made a bad decision. You took your game into a market that you were going to struggle in. It was oversaturated. Now you're going to go up there. Why did you even do that?

I understand you had a thing that was other ways to do it. But listen, we learned from our failures. So who gives the fuck? Now you go back, but he still has that school in Kentucky that is blossoming. So he has lost nothing. He tried, he failed, and he's lost nothing. but it is frustrating. But you have to think about what you got.

You know how many times at the comedy store? I mean, guys, it got to the point where it was embarrassing how many comics would say come up and, you know, I knew them from the road. You know, when I got to the store in 97, 98, 99, 2000, I was meeting feature acts. I'm a fucking, I was a mediocre feature act. And I would meet other feature acts that I met on the road

and they come in and go, you get in the spot, have a spot tonight? I'm like, yeah, fucking 12.45. I wish I had a fucking spot, you know. I wonder who's asked you had a kiss. I wonder if you had to sleep with Mitzie. And all those little remarks, they weigh on you. I know he was goofing around, but no, he's not.

That's the shit people say when they got three or four cocktails on him. And the truth is coming out of him, you know? Who you're up to sleep with? You had to eat Mitzie's boss? Whatever the fuck stupid shit they say, you know? Is the talent coordinator gay? Did you sleep? but there's always a fucking excuse.

And these guys would be up there every fucking night. Complaining, complaining. And then there would be, I forget what the list was. Then they got put on. So I'm dealing with a handful of those guys. I'm also dealing with a handful of people that have been put on. Mitsy passed them. But then they did something.

And Missy stopped giving them sets. So now they go up there. They put themselves on the fallout list. Oh, my God. And that, so now I'm dealing with. with the guys that don't get spots because they're not regulars. That's one thing. And now I'm dealing with the guys that are regulars but aren't getting spots.

And they're fucking putting the whammy on me. So now you're feeling guilty for not, you know, I got to feel guilty, yeah, for having a fucking spot, for doing my job. That's what, I guess, what Tom is trying to say, like in fucking short form. like you're mad at Tom yeah do you know the amount of weekends that Tom is working Burke Kreiser Kevin Hart

there's guys that I look at and I have the utmost respect for them and I say to myself I can never do that I can never do what Kevin Hart's doing even if you put me in arenas magically overnight the work output

that Kevin Hart puts out is it's it's uh you i fucking don't know what to say you instead of kevin hard crying instead of kevin hard kevin hard could talk a lot of shit black lies mad a lot no he's going to be a fucking billionaire i don't know if you've seen any of his interviews Kevin hart knows exactly what the fuck he wants to do he wants to be a fucking billionaire that. Tom Segura, like the first black millionaire or something like that, he wants to own a team. He knows

what the fuck he wants to do. Nobody gave him shit. Nobody gave him shit. When I see fucking Kevin Hart driving a fucking helicopter, do you think I sit there and go, oh, you know, Kevin? No. I'm like that motherfucker works hard.

Number two, Tom Sigurra, go look at this anywhere to him. He's going to Mars. That motherfucker is doing Mars, Saturn, Venus. He's doing something with Elon Musk. He's going everywhere. Yes, he makes great money, but nobody's giving it to him, guys. He's earning it.

Bert Kreischer, he's going to die. I love Bert. He's going to drink that Ditos until he fucking, you know, he's out there. He earns every dollar he could get. Why are you jealous at all these guys for what they're doing? All these guys, I give him Tom Papa works constantly. Fucking two kids, just like me, one kid. And I complain about having one fucking kid.

So, you know, these guys earn their fucking keep. I'll never forget one of the worst feelings of my life. And I'll tell you guys what it was. One of the best things that ever happened to me was getting the longest yard. You know, it was a dream movie for me. I like Brent Reynolds. I liked Adam Sandler. You know, I wanted to get the movie.

I shot the movie. The movie did great in the movie. box office. I was very proud of myself. People, I did great for being a fucking criminal stand-up comic. It's about two weeks, about six months after the movie came out. I had eight.

I had eight. I had fucking Adam Sandler showing me a letter to the comedian. I had written him. Telling him that I wasn't really Italian. I want you to think about that guys. Telling Adam Sandler, when you

hired him for Big Tony? Did you know his name is? I don't even know what my name is in the movie. You have to look up when I have Anthony Graziano or something like that. Guys, that's what they wrote. The first fucking paragraph was about me not being Italian.

How bad of a day are you having? Did you not see James Kahn was Jewish? He was the godfather. Andy Garcia was Cuban. He was in the godfather fucking nine, whatever the fuck disaster it was. You know, what do you think? Everybody fucking really Chinese or anything I you know but that was this opening now I knew who the comic was

I didn't call him up at home and bitch Adam called me into the office like look at read this shit and I'm like wow this is you know and it hurts for about two minutes I'm not going to tell you it doesn't hurt you you shared stages with this person you've shared rides with them you've had discussions with them and this is the letter you write to Adam I'm fucking Sandler. Hold on one second. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsored, BetterHelp. What's happened, you Savage?

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We're back. So yeah, this motherfucker writes a letter to Adam Sandler. And then the second part of it was, I don't know if you know this, Mr. Sandler, but Joey Cocoa Diaz is a well-known drug dealer, and he also went to prison. What's that got to do? When you look at it, yes, I made a mistake. I sold drugs. I had a good time.

I didn't deny it. But at the same time, what's that got to do? I auditioned like everybody else for this fucking movie. It wasn't given to me. Nobody picked my name out of a fucking hat. I auditioned for this, fair and fucking square. And I think he auditioned for it. That was his anger that he had auditioned for this role.

And he, you know, that wasn't even it. Then people were like, hey, you know, it's lucky for you to say, you're an Adam Sandler movie. Remember, Adam Sandler came out in 2005. I quit doing Coke in 2007. I always remember hitting like kind of a mental rock bottom when I had to do heroin and shit. I'm not a whiner, but I'm going to tell you, part of my fucking pain those days was feeling bad that I had done well.

I had a dear, dear, dear friend of mine at the time who was one of my first friends when I moved to L.A., pull me aside one day and just called me out for a thousand things that I had done that at the end of the day didn't matter. Today we're best friends. We don't even discuss it anymore. but she called me out for like, well, that time you had the gig, you didn't give it to me, like, oh, shit, that it was like, and I'm like, think about what you're saying. You're saying that when they called me for fucking the longest yard or Spider-Man 2, I should have gave him your name. Like, it was shit like that. You don't know how many times I've walked into an audition and have told the cast and director, listen, I'm happy that you called me in here. I'm very proud that you called me in here. but before anything, I'm not right for this role.

This is a role for Rudy Moreno. This is a role for Willie Barcena. This is a role for... I've done that a thousand times because I used to go to a thousand auditions for fucking Mexican roles. And I'd walk in there and go, listen. And they'd even go, oh, what the fuck?

And I go, I know. The guy you're looking for is Guzman or Rudy Moreno. I gave Rudy Morano like two roles, you know? But from just going in there, it doesn't matter. What I'm trying to say is that people would call me up and like fucking, you know, well, how did you get the Adam Salem movie? How come I can't be in the Adam's Salem movie? And they hurt my fucking feelings.

These people are my friends. I fucking do comedy with them or whatever. So I had to change my mind. You know, at that time I was like, fuck it. I can't talk to these people no more. They're not going to go out of their way to bring me the fuck down. On this podcast, on the joint and the church and Beauty and the Beast, I've never discussed money.

I don't discuss elaborate vacations. Maybe because I don't go on them. You know, I don't discuss millionaire type shit because I'm not a fucking millionaire. There's a ton of millionaires out there. I worked hard for a few years. My wife put some money away because she's an accountant. We got the house.

We got the cars. We lease like everybody else. We make fucking monthly payments like everybody else. You know, do I have a fucking security for my retirement? I got a sag pension. I got fucking Social Security. If the Russians don't take that. I got a lot of shit that, you know, it's not,

I might not fucking happen. My wife got me an annuity plan, whatever the fuck you call him, a 401K, whatever the fuck like everybody else has. But that didn't give me the right to buy a fucking Maserati. I think the reason why I acted like I did was because I remember how I felt when people spoke about shit. Even a simple thing, like,

Listen, when I go, the only thing I ever put on Instagram or whatever is when I go eat a nice dinner, I want you guys to know it's a great fucking place. And I'll take pictures of King's Chinese restaurant. I take pictures of fucking, you know, any place, really. Yeah, sometimes you go to cousins, sometimes you go to Osteria. When Lee comes to town and we'll get the shrimp and shit like that. But if you guys notice, that's my only, I drive a Subaru. We're very modest in this home.

I'm not looking to compete with the Joneses. I've never been in business to compete with the Joneses. That'll fucking take you down quicker than anything. That's a fucking insecurity thing too. Well, I got to run with her. My sister's married. You know, women do it all the time. Their sisters.

My husband has this. Now they go into a fucking war. The wife is talking to the husband. All that shit is fucking insecurity, man. And it just fucks with your head. It doesn't take you anywhere. the mindset Tom was talking about

was really looking at your life and going what do I need to do to have that you know if there was a few podcasts in the beginning when Joe was doing those the ones from his home when I went off on Susquehanna and the one

when I went off about the girl giving blow jobs at the comedy store you know all those days of podcasting I once got an email somebody and they were like Joey, we like you, we think you're funny, but your anger, you know, climbs over. 2010, 2009, I had a certain anger going to me. It wasn't anger, woes me.

It wasn't that anger at all. It wasn't an anger that nobody never gives me nothing. It was an anger of reality. And in a way, it sounded negative. I came across with it, but it was very positive. You know, my wife and I were talking about last week about a lot of guys that are my age that lived in LA that had shitty apartments and that had given their whole life to this career and got a little bit of success. But now at this age, now they were in trouble. You know, now you're at a care.

You don't have any children, no grandchildren, no money put away, no wife, no nothing. You know, you gave your whole life for this. I gave my life a comedy, but I would have never let that happen for me. I never wanted to end up. I made a lot of sacrifices and everything, but I didn't want to dedicate everything. I don't even know how to say this. I didn't want to end up, like, you know, being a 60-year-old comic in L.A., still doing open mics, still telling people, Mitzie saw me one time, and she almost made me a regular, you know,

I don't want to be one of those guys. I never wanted to be one of those guys. So to not be one of those people, your mindset has to change. And it's like, what do I need to do to have this shit? I was angry. I was never angry at Joe Rogan. I knew how hard he worked and he had taught me. I learned that that was the ethic.

You know, when I first met Joe, fuck, if somebody was paying me $25 grand to shoot an episode on TV and I had a spot at the store for $15. I'm not going to a fucking store. You know, I'm not going to work all day to go to the store. Joe is the opposite. Joe would go to the store for that $15. So I understood the level of commitment that was needed, right from Joe, right, right, right from hanging out with him in the beginning.

Like, you do that? Like, if I went to a TV shooting all day and I knew they were going to give me $28,000, $25,000, I'm getting in my car. I'm going to a drug dealer's house. I am not going to waste my time and go to some fucking comedy store and try to be a fucking comedian. That's not going to happen. But Joe did.

So when you look at Joe for all the things he has, you know, when Joe wanted to be a host of the UFC, he didn't put an application in and fight. No, he called Dana and asked him, hey, can I come be a host for free or whatever the fuck you call him, a host, a commentator? And the first six months, he probably did it for free.

made his own plane ticket on Friday night, and he'd go to Vegas in the daytime, work out, and then go to those fucking fights at night, and call him. When I first met him, that's what he'd do. I'd ask him, what he'd be at the store tomorrow right now. I've got to go to Vegas for the U.S.C. You want to come?

No. I didn't know what the U.S.C. was. I didn't, you know. But that's the mindset. That's the mindset. So when 2009, I had the mindset that, you know what, I didn't get nowhere. My wife is going to marry me.

I'm very lucky. I want to have a new life. I kind of went away from comedy. And then we were doing podcast, and Joe talked me into doing a podcast from how well I was doing on his. He's like, dog, you got to start a podcast. You got to start a podcast.

And I always knew if I got a chance to tell my story, it would have evened out the playing field with comedy. Guys, look, I don't believe the hype. I'm a good comic. I can make people laugh. but I'm not a great, great comic. There's a lot of great, great, great fucking comics out there. I was on my way.

I was working very hard. That was the inspiration I had from losing that shitty mindset that Tom's talking about and Bert were talking about to committing to a higher mindset. Like I still remember in 2011, you know, I was getting all these $100 a day movies. my phone was ringing with him. My phone was ringing with him.

And something happened one night, I was watching something, and one of my movies was on, like an whole movie I had done or something. Oh, it was one of those holiday movies of Dean Kane, which will be on this week. Then I won't get paid for them. I don't get residuals on those.

The producers fucking flip the country. They moved down to the same place where the guy from FTX was. I don't know if... So, I'll never forget going. I'm working doing all these fucking movies. Even the dog holiday Disney movies were $100 a day. I hope you guys know that.

The first one I did with Dean Kame was $100 a day. And I did it, watch that one. The dog that saved Christmas, I fucking rocked in that one for a hundred a day. And they came back on me for $100 a day, but a little bit of a back end. And I started rocking on those. But to make a long story short, I got the fucking, I was getting all these $100 day movies. And then this guy called me up to do a fucking $100 day series. I'm like, what?

And he's like, yeah, it's a mafia family who lives in a fucking funeral parlor. And guys, I needed the money. I needed the insurance. So I was ready to do it. And I said, I was watching TV and there's that fucking thing with Dean Kane. Dean Kane, who played fucking Superman. Dean Kane, who spent his life in this. His father was a fucking director, his stepfather.

Dean Kane knows a lot about shooting fucking movies. and stuff and acting and whatnot. And here I am, doing this things with Dean Kane. I'm getting lapsed and I looked at it and I go, fuck that thing for $100. The next morning I woke up and I went against anything I believed in, anything I believed in. And I said, you know what, bro?

I'm not doing it for $100. As a matter of fact, I'm not doing sag low budgets no more. That's it. I'm not doing them. I deserve to be in that other movie. I deserve to be in two categories up and within two fucking months and I probably said no

to three or four more on an holiday and within two months I got a call on a Friday that I was going in for a Sylvester Stallone movie and the movie was fucking grudge match listen I didn't get an Academy Award for that

nobody saw that movie Kevin Hart, De Niro, whatever but by me holding out look what I did get that's the mindset it's little things like that It's not fucking whining, not whining about what everybody else has and not worrying about it. And it's very hard to say.

Like, you're like, Joey. I know. When I first got to LA, 97 to 99, I'm not going to lie. I got upset when somebody would get some. That dude just followed me. He couldn't even fucking do a joke. You know, and they're getting more stuff than you are. And you walk around angry.

And then one day you go, you know what, I do a lot better focus. on me, then what I would do on focusing on him or him. And once you start focusing on him or them, boom, there you fucking go. Because your focus is on you. So don't focus on whatever cars Tom is buying or watch he talks about or what helicopter he takes or Joe Rogan. These guys sacrifice tons. Think of your life if you couldn't go to a wedding on a Saturday.

And as a matter of fact, you don't want to go to a wedding. You're on a fucking roll. Next time you get mad at Tom or Joe Rogan or any of these guys for having stuff that you wish you had or you wanted. Don't get mad at them. Get mad and go, this is what I need to do to get those things. To have those fucking things. You know, resolutions are fucking coming. What do you think?

I'm not banging my head for what resolutions I want to do. I want to read more. I want to read two books a month. I want to lose fucking weight. You know, I want to figure out what I want to do with my life at fucking 60. You know, what I want to do with my life at 60. So it's fucking rough, guys. But don't blame you fucking what you're not doing on the world.

The bluebird of happiness is not going to fucking help you. You know, all these people that we expect to fucking help us in our life are not going to help you. It's all put on you. For years, I walked around frustrated in Hollywood. frustrated. Nobody's helping me. Nobody's doing this. When did I start rocking and rolling when I took matters into my own hands? When I started getting breakdowns and making my own fucking videotapes, hiring a guy. Do you think I had 50 bucks to hire a guy to do a fucking audition tape for you? No. But you want it. You'll figure out how to, I won't snore coke that night, Joey. How about that? Don't snore coke and shoot the fucking audition video. Once I started taking it into my own realms and to my own hands, I started fucking doing things.

You know, I wanted my career to expand. Did I fucking sit there? Did I write better jokes? No, I wrote better jokes. But I became a storyteller. I'm an actual storyteller. Why was that going against it? And when I did the podcast, I told stories.

I told stories of my life to let you fucking know that this wasn't no cakewalked here. Nobody just gives you shit. And yeah, some people have a better journey than others. I had a rough journey. And I'll tell you what, I enjoyed every moment along the way. from eating the fucking 2,000 edibles to fucking, you know, sleeping in a bus to go on the road.

These are, it's all part of the gig. But jealousy, insecurity is not. So if you want to go on a fucking better gig in 2023, this is the way to do it, right? Your fucking goals, journal, don't be jealous of other people, be fucking happy for other people. And look at it this way.

That's what I started doing. Don't take it hold it against me. But just go like this. If that fucking idiot could do that, think about what the fuck you could do. You call that guy an idiot all the time, right? When you talk to your wife, you're like, my fucking brother-in-law is a retardant.

Since he's such a fucking idiot, right? That's what I always did. If that guy is such a fucking idiot and he got $8 million for shining shoes, what could you fucking do with your life? life. That's how I look at it. It's helped me a thousand fucking percent better. So, I don't know. It's a Monday morning motivation motherfuckers. It's December 19th. We got 11 days, maybe 12 days left in this motherfucker. And then we have a second chance of not being insecure.

We have a second chance of not having to sleep in a basement or on a mattress or with a sheet. You know why? Because you're a fucking American. And that's what that means. God didn't make you get born in fucking Africa with flies on you Or you know And whatever the fuck Sandon Easterville so you could walk up to the border And Abbott put you on a bus To New York and shit like that

You know God gave you a great opportunity Why do you ever think about that Like I could have been born in fucking Yugoslavia I'd be getting hit with a missile right now From the fucking Ukrainians or whatever Or how come I wasn't born in Ukraine right now And I'm fucking you know Carrying some dead teacher to the hospital

or whatever the fuck they're doing over there now. Think about it. And think about if you really want to... I think I'm going to go see Rainbow next week with cheap trick. And then you wonder why nothing's happening for you. These are all the things, guys. Get up in the morning, look at that fucking flag and go, somebody is sucking my dick today.

I'm getting tired of living this way. I mean, I did it. You get tired of living in a fucking one bedroom with nine fucking cats. You know, I got sick and fucking tired of it. And I couldn't keep putting it on my wife. I couldn't keep putting it on, well, the scripts aren't coming in fast enough. Well, that means you got to double it fucking up, cock sucker. And get the fuck out there.

I love your motherfuckers with all my heart. Don't forget, laughing gas is in New Jersey now. Stoner's Club, cocksucker. Use code Uncle Joey for 10% off Lifetime. And don't forget tonight, we got a great Monday, fucking football line. You got Green Bay against the Rams in Green

Bay. Fucking my man needs to win. And that's it and that's that. I ain't got nothing else for you, motherfuckers. We're going to be here again on Thursday and I don't know what we're doing for the holidays. We might just shut this motherfucker down and leave this on your own and try to

come up with a new fucking scam for 2023. Besides that, I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. Thank you for watching today. I hope I didn't offend nobody with this podcast, but it's true. You know, stop fucking looking at that guy like he's somewhere, somebody better than you.

They all put their pants on one leg at a time. If Tom could do it, you could fucking do it. If I could do it, you could fucking do it. I'm a real fucking retard. I love you. Stay black. Have a great holiday week. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsor, Jack.

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Alright. I want to thank Better Help. I want to thank Draft Kings, but I also want to thank you fucking animals. You know, I love you. Stay Black. And I'll see you Wednesday, the 22nd Tip Top Magoo.