The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #223 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT.....   It's Thursday, December 22nd…   HAPPY HOLIDAYS!    This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings & Rocket Money…   DRAFTKINGS   Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI//MD/NJ/TN/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MI/NJ/ NY/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. Void in ONT. $150 in Free bets: Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 pregame moneyline bet. $150 issued as six (6) $25 free bets. Bet must win. Free Bets are non-cashable and cannot be withdrawn. Free bets must be wagered 1x and stake is not included in any returns or winnings. Free Bets expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded. Ends 12/31/22. See eligibility & terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/basketballterms.     ROCKET MONEY Go to https://RocketMoney.com/Joey     Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don't forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps #RocketMoney   The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Again, that's rocketmoney.com. R-O-C-K-E-T, money. M-O-N-E-Y, one word. dot com slash joey it's going to save you hundred the dollars per year things are rough right now i'm trying to help you guys out cancel your unnecessary subscriptions right now at rocketmoney dot com code joey let's get this party started it's thursday the elves are coming and i'm ready to sling some dick what up you bad motherfuckers it's thursday the 23rd and i know before you say something Joey, what the fuck is the year gun?

It's like, that's it. We were talking about this shit in October, how fast it fucking went. Two fucking days. It's Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday, you're going to be running around, those last, you know, stressing yourself out,

and then Saturday, it's going to be fucking freezing. Freezing this week. I love it. Nobody's doing dick on Saturday. There's like four football games where the weather's going to be under 10 degrees. 10 degrees. Kansas City.

This is a freeze over the next two weeks. So dress warm, cock suckers. That's it, man. That's it. We fucking did another goddamn year. How many Christmases we fucking do on this podcast now? 13, 14 fucking Christmases. It was a great fucking year.

I got to tell you something. This was one of my best years in a long time. And if you're, you know, whatever. I don't know how people judge their years, you know, or judge their time. Everybody's different. You know, when I was younger, it was, oh, another month I didn't get arrested. You know, like, you know, fucking, another month I fucking did co. You know, you just move up, you know.

And this year was really, I was looking forward to this year for more reasons than what I was fucking. When this year started January, I was still a little fucking off-kilter. I was confused. I didn't know what I wanted to do, you know, and I was struggling, man. I was struggling mentally a lot. And I'm not ashamed to say that. That's the problem with today's world. Everybody's ashamed to talk about their shortcomings.

It just wasn't fucking clicking for me. I had signed up with better help. I was talking to Dana every week. Then we cut it down twice a week. I was doing, it was like I had a peel an artichoke to figure. out what my next fucking move was, you know? I was telling Mike, listen, man, I knew comedy, my comedy career

was changing when I got the knee surgery. When I came home from the knee surgery and after the knee healed up and stuff, and I mean, it's been two years now, but I gotta be as honest as I can with you. I'm not the same. I don't trust this fucking leg. I don't trust it. I've already had a bunch of little things. I can't imagine

what a little thing happening on the road. step wrong you know in our business there's a lot of stages and there's a lot of steps and there's a lot of darkness you know what I'm saying you know when you're fucking getting on stage they if you're in like a high level lead zeppelin band the nirvana yeah there's six guys with flashlights showing you where you're going I'm just a fucking bum comedian there's nobody there with a flashlight you know so I was just concerned you know so ever since I got the fucking neat thing. I was always, after the pandemic, I was always like mentally shot. When I got off the plane here, I was shot. And then that one year, whatever, I was withdrawing. I was shot. I was

damaged goods. And then I just made an effort to get better. Like, how am I going to get better? I got to, you know, fucking work out. I got to be around people. Then I got COVID. See, I started the new year perfect because I had COVID. And now that last. Last of the fear had gone away. You know, we were some, and listen, some people, COVID came for some people. Some people jumped up and fucking down for days. For others, some people to fear. And for me, it was just, they caught me early.

You know, I was vulnerable. I was fucking weak. And they caught me. And this is what happens, as long as you know it. But January was crucial for me. I started the year just doing the podcast with Mike. The book was handed in. and I felt good about all that stuff,

but it was still the question of what I was going to do. So I had to sit down and start from fucking scratch. And then, you know, I was thinking about doing comedy in the summer. Like, it's so weird how you, for me, I always let life dictate my, what I'm doing. Like, I was thinking about doing comedy in the summer, thinking about, and then I got a call from Burt. Well, no, I got a call from Tom And he wanted me to stop by NJ Pack And see him in Newark

And I went down to my friend Sean coach And I fucking ended up going up on stage And it was exhilarating I mean it was like getting It was like fucking You know somebody putting horse ratishing asshole Your whole body It's like wasabi

You ever get wasabi And it just fucking overwhelms you With a big piece of wasabi You didn't know much you put up there. That's what it was like. I was overwhelmed. So I didn't know how the feelings I was getting were like happiness, but it's like anything else. I broke my toe in Jujitu last week. I didn't tell you guys. Yeah, I got a broken fucking toe. And it's funny how I didn't even know it was broken until I came home and took a shower and then afterward, I was like that night,

I was like, man, my foot feels weird. And like a day later, uh, I took it off the, I was like, what the fuck's going on my foot? And my toe was black. I thought the fungus had gone into it. I'm like, I'm dead. But I didn't feel it. And then, yeah, Friday night it hurt. And then Saturday went away.

I put ice on it. I put a little bingay. I had my wife pull it out because the toe, it's Louie. It's the second one, the big toe. Then you have the big toe. Just by a little, little fucking pussy hair, it's a little bigger. So I had Louis. I broke Louis.

Louis was like this. He was bent in my foot. So my foot was out. But Louis was bent like this. So my wife had to pick Louis up. And then she pulled it out. And then she realized Louis was just fucking dangling. So we put like Scott's tape around.

They were like fucking like a little duct tape. Not duct tape. You know, the training tape. I put a little of the CBD Lion tape. I fucking had to cut it. And it's gone. But my. point is I didn't know I broke it until I got home because I was fired up at

Jiu-jit-to your adrenaline's gone so you don't know until you come down that there's a fucking problem there you know so I didn't know how to gauge it and then they caught me off balance you know they called Bert to put me on a fucking tour and that blew my fucking mind then Rogan called me and it was like overwhelmed and next thing you know I'm in front of 5,000 people at Atlantic City the last two years I've been doing 140 people people at Uncle Vinnie's and now I'm in front of 5,000 fucking people I was blown away but that weekend also let me know I didn't want to be in a hotel Saturdays like that was fucking brutal for me like that was just I was not used to that at all my Saturdays are free I'm outside watching kids playing softball jumping up and down barbecuing whatever now I'm inside for fucking June 4th that was brutal so that was I had a deal with that like I don't know if I could be be in a hotel all fucking day Saturday. And then I did the Bert tour and I love Bert.

Bert took care of this. Bert's a fucking star. It just didn't work for me. It wasn't who I was anymore. I wasn't. I didn't feel like staying up until 3.30 in the morning talking to people. Like it just wasn't, you know, for me. I took the residency this summer to make up for the shows I canceled at Uncle Vinnie's.

I want to be a man in my word. I did the shows and I, uh, I, booked the New York shows to lift me a little bit. You know, sometimes I don't do this often, and I don't want you guys to do it often. I don't recommend it. But every once in a while, just to light a fire under your ass, you got to play big.

You know, it's like my daughter plays in, you know, eight to ten or some shit. She could move to a different division, but we wanted to play with better people around her, and she would be not as talented as the other players. So we played her for the 10-year-olds. So when she was nine, she was really playing a 10-year-old league

with 10-year-olds, bigger girls, and she didn't do as well, but she learned the game a lot better. Sometimes you have to do that to fucking see what you're about, you know. I was watching, what's that movie with Marky Warburg where he takes over for, it's like Judas Priest, the guy's gay, rock star.

Rockstar is a great movie. Marky Warburg and Jennifer Ashton, Addiston, did a great job. But even a situation like that where you're a cover singer in a band. You're just a cover singer and a band. A band that does weddings, you know. Bar Mitzvahs, they do a bar from time to time. So maybe 250 is what they're used to playing for.

And then one day you got a call. Fucking, you're the Chinese guy from Journey. You sound just like Stephen, whatever's name is Perry. Right, his name is Stephen Perry, the singer from Journey, whatever. And you get the call. You know, now you're not performing in front of 250 people no more. You're performing a fucking 20,000 people a fucking night. You're not ready.

You know how people like, you're not ready? You're not ready, but you are ready. Do you know what I'm saying? You aren't ready, but you are ready. You just don't fucking know it. And yeah, you might eat a bag of dicks the first night. Who doesn't? Even Marky Warburg ate a bag of dicks in the movie.

Remember he fell off the stage and he cut his eye and shit like that? He didn't know what the fuck he was. It's a different. But when you get there, you'll adjust quickly. Like, you'll fucking adjust. Like, I even notice with me. Hollis gave me the blue belt. I didn't feel like a blue belt.

I still don't feel like a fucking blue belt. But it up my game. I have noticed some improvements since I've gotten the belt. Because now I'm lifting you up. You know, when I was a comic, I would never try the headline. It was just not good for Uncle Joey, the headline. I was a very good feature. But even when I was at my top,

of featuring all those years for Rogan, I stayed away from headlining. I just stayed, I never felt ready for it. And I was okay with that. There's some comics that they do two spots and I'm a headliner, okay. You know, find out for yourself what the fuck you are. I'm not a fucking headliner after two spots.

So I was a great feature, but I didn't like fucking headliner. I didn't know it was a headliner. Guess what? I started calling clubs and they're like, we're booking you as a headline. I'm like, that's fucking $800 more

if you're on the basic plan. And I would go, I don't want a fucking headline. And they'd go, why not, Joey? You know, headline. Okay. And I'd expect to never get hired again. And then after the weekend,

I talked to the guy and he'd go, Joey, you did a great job. Considering what you were telling me on the phone, you did a great fucking job. You know, you may not feel like a headliner. But you're playing above your head now. And I remember, like, the headline, you got to have 45 minutes. I would have, like, 38.

So you got to stretch. You got to sing a song somewhere in the middle. You got to tap dance. You got to hope somebody gets drunk. You got to hope somebody pukes. You know, I wasn't. I still remember going to Jacksonville, Florida in 1998. Talk about not being ready.

I got to L.A. I was at the store I had met some fucking comics And Jimmy Schubert was one of my great friends We're still our great friends I love Jimmy Hopefully I'll see him next week when he was in Philly Uh

Jimmy called me one night Like on a fucking Monday night He's like hey man I'm gonna I got a big problem I just booked a movie And I got to work tomorrow And

But I started a week in Jacksonville For creative entertainment And I was like He goes, you want to cover the week? He goes, I already talked to him. They said, if you could do it, you could get on there. He goes, there's a red eye tonight. Or there's a 6 a.m. tomorrow morning that'll get you there.

And I was like, fuck it. I'll book the fucking red eye. I'll book the morning one. That was when cheap tickets was big then. There was a company called Cheap Tickets. $200 and under. That was there. And a lot of you guys don't remember this company.

It was the original. They would guarantee you, you know, one day, $2 a flight on any flight. They would get you a flight for $200. So I fucking took the flight down to Jacksonville, Florida. I'd never been there. I was just, I expected just to go to, like, Miami. I thought Jacksonville was like Miami. But I was excited to go to Jacksonville because it's the home of Leonard Skinner

and all those motherfuckers up there. So I'm like, ah, I'll walk down. down there, walk around the streets. I got to the hotel the first night. Oh my God. When I went the headline that night, it was a fucking disaster. I went back to my room. I cried a little bit.

I went all my material. I went back Wednesday night and I bombed even harder than Tuesday night. And that was the schedule for the rest of the fucking week. I just kept bombing and bombing and bombing and bomb. I would get him for 25 minutes. I would get him for 20 minutes. And then bomb for 25. I would get them for 20.

It was just not good. I even went and talked to the manager and asked them if they wanted me to leave. You know, I was like, do you want me to leave? The guy's like, I'm having a good time watching you because you're just bombing. He goes, I'm just dying, dying of watching you bombing. I'm like, that's not that fucking encouraging, you know. But that weekend left me fucking mummified. Like I went on the plane I cried

Because I took the word Was gonna get out Joey Diaz just stunked up in Jacksonville You know like the word got out Don't ever headlined him again No they called like two weeks later creative entertainment Who I had done the week for at the time and said You got a great reference do you want to do more work for us I'm like sure

Okay it was great okay But my point is that That weekend Gave me more knowledge and like I still remember it. I'm talking to you guys about 19 a weekend a week. This is when comedy was comedy. This is when comedy was Tuesday through Sunday with three shows on Saturday.

Seven, nine, and midnight. They were not fucking around these days. And here I am bombing one after the other as the headline. I was like, fuck that. But jumping up to that opened up the door. And then I became a headliner in time. I thought that you became a headliner overnight. Like you just walked into a fucking box

and you became a headliner, but that's not the case. And then as I progressed over the years, like by 2004, I started going to these, you know, I started getting booked as a headliner. And then I had to fill the fucking gap. But I never felt comfortable as the headliner until maybe 2011, 2011, 2012. Well, you're in my first week as the headliner after the podcast.

I did Columbus and I ate a bag of shit that week. A lot of people won't talk to you this way. A lot of comedians are going, no, I killed because I used it as, it was always learning. It was always a journey. Anything you do in this life is going to be a fucking journey. But we always try to speed it up. Whether you have a band, whether you're a comic, whether you want to be a fighter, whatever you want to do, we always try to fucking speed it up.

We can't wait to get there. For me, it was something different. I had a feeling I could get there, but I wanted to take my fucking time because I knew there's a really popular story on Instagram going around right now. It's Robert De Niro. I don't know if you guys have seen it.

It's like a black and white little thing. It's just a motivational shit. And he's talking about when you get there. He goes, feel that you're at that place where you want to be, relax. Don't do anything. Calm down and start thinking about your next moves. If you see this motivational thing, you'll die.

But he hits it right on the fucking head because that's what a lot of us don't do. Once we start getting just a little bit of success, naturally, we fucking want to spread the word. Like we're getting, you know, we want to get out there. We start getting cocky. and that's everybody me you that's all of us we all get fucking cocky at times and we start finding success and anything that we're doing whether it's car sales you know when i was selling 15 cars a month you don't think i was a little fucking out of my mind yeah you know because there's guys selling three cars and you're selling 15 like a fucking savage out there and they're like what are you

doing differently i'm talking to people what but it's always a journey like i was always in a rush to be a fucking, we're all in a rush to get rich. Yeah, we're always in a rush to get rich. But we're not, it's a fucking journey if you're going to get rich. And you got to fucking plan it out. I want to be rich. What do you mean? You want to be rich.

I want to have, let's break this down. Millions, billions, billions, gazillions. What do you want to have? You want to have fucking Rockefeller money? No, I just want to be able to eat a cheeseburger. I don't know. At least you've narrowed it to fuck down, you know. So these are all the things I fucking think about this time of the year.

Like, I think about resolutions. Like, what? I was starting to tell you guys the other day. Like, what things can I do better in 2023? I like to improve the podcast. I like to get it more, you know, give you more options. I like to read more. I want to lose 75 pounds.

I want to, and that dreads me because if I lose 75 pounds, if you think my head is big now, wait. you see me then. A guy like me loses 75 pounds. He's all ahead. I'm like a fucking male that went tranny for a female. You can do everything you can. You get the titties.

You get the nuts cut off. You get your toenails done, your fingernails done. But you still got that big fucking manhead, your dumb motherfucker. And your balance is going to be off. You're going to start falling around like a fucking, you know, weebles wobbles and they don't fall down those motherfuckers. So, you know, I'm looking forward to losing,

weight but the size of the fucking head. You know, I've dropped like eight pounds on this diet already. It's not even a diet. I'm just fucking working out and doing stupid weight watches, which I love. Without weight watches, I'd be fucking dead right now. But I want to read more. I want to write a little more. Not comedy.

Anything. Anything. I've been sweet. Yeah, anything. I don't want to write comedy no more. I just want to get rid. I want to get finished with this book from A to Z. I want to get finished with the fucking audio book

And I've written down like eight ideas I have for stories Just to put out like this stupid shit That I've always wanted to explore You know somebody was telling me that they didn't like the new Sylvester Stallone movie The New Stovester Stallone The show Have you seen it? Tulsa King

And Dominic's all right Yeah, Dominic Lombardosies in it I've seen three episodes I think you got to have Apple TV or Paramount TV to have it. You got to buy and I'm already, we'll talk about, you know, I'm already part of fucking 20,000 different packages. You know, right? You got Hulu.

You got fucking this one. You got that one. Everything you got to buy a package for. So I'm like, I'll back off with Paramount. We still got to get Apple TV. You know. So it came on like three weeks ago. fucking it came on one night

I was at the gym and some guys were like excuse me if you see the Sylvester Storm movie and I'm still Vestralm TV show and all three of these guys were like ah it was kind of disappointing we didn't like it fucking he's entertaining though but you know we don't really like it but blah blah okay you know I didn't

I don't care I'm not a big you know it came on one Sunday night it usually comes on Paramount on Sunday nights late like 11.30 or something. So it came on. The first one came on. I watched it. I'm a Sylvester Stallone fan.

So it was entertaining. I enjoyed it. But no. And I liked it. Like I'm like, this is okay, you know? Then I watched the second episode. And again, it was okay.

It's not going to win a fucking Emmy or whatever like that. But I will tell you what I like about it. They took a chance. They took a chance. For the last 20 years, I've been going to mob auditions, mob fucking TV show auditions, mob pitches. You know, people always call them, hey man, can you pitch this character with me at the pit? Okay.

Mob pictures, mob TV shows. It was endless. I was surrounded by that shit in LA, especially when I first got there because the sopranos had blown up like in 99, 2000. So as soon as I got there, I was surrounded. struggling as an actor, but then Soprano shit started popping up and thank God, I look like one of the guys and they took me in. So the last 10 years, I've been going on different pitches. And I thought about one specifically in 2013 right before I shot Grudge Match.

And this guy had a funeral parlor. You know, this is about a funeral parlor and they were a mafia family and they had had this funeral parlor for 30 years. I don't even remember all the particulars. But in other words, it was the same old song and dance. It's Gino, Nicky, Louis Meatballs, Tony Hernia. You know, it was the same fucking characters. And I remember when he was reading the pitch,

if you've ever been to a pitch meeting, you don't know what happens in a pitch meeting. It's like three people to produce or the writer and then one of the actors and you go over what you want for this. I wasn't the lead. The lead was some fucking dude. I never saw him before, never heard of him before. Anyway, and he's pitching.

And at the end of the pitch, and people said it sounds like a great idea for a script, blah, blah, blah. It's not something we're interested in. And then he goes, you know, I love, because I love this genre. But after the soprano's, this genre has been beat up. Dave, Dave, you know, Dave, you know, and even the last couple of years, the many saints, Irishmen, We don't know what it really did

because Netflix never gave you the numbers but people that I talked to don't like the Irishman and I'm like I thought it was okay. Again, it was entertaining for me. I liked De Niro. I like Joe Pesci. I wanted to watch Sebastian. But the problem was all these fucking movies

sounded the same. Angelo, Johnny, boy, this, that what I like about Sylvester Stallone is he did exactly what One of the writers and the Sopranos is on there. I can't think of his name right now. Great guy. Great fucking writer.

You got Taylor Sheridan on there. The guy that was the sheriff on Sons of Anarchy. He went out to become this big Hollywood icon. I remember John Berndttoe was talking about him. And what they did was, I don't know if you watched this show. He gets out of jail. After 25 years, I've always liked that idea. the idea of you not being

in touch with the world and then coming out and rediscovering, exploring the world. It's always been a fascination of mine. All that shit. Him going to New York and them telling him, listen, it's 2020. You know, Draft Kings has taken all our fucking gambling action.

You know, fucking, that goes 50% of the Vig. the lottery takes our numbers you know I can't compete with two billion dollars they've locked up the fucking you know the ports you know it's not as mobby as it used to be you know the mafia has lost

60% of their fucking bread and butter you know you still got loan sharking and all that shit but you know they're few and far between when they show you a mob movie now you know you see these guys driving Mercedes and shit. It's not the same. First of all, if there's a mob family,

they're probably down to 20 fucking guys. And if you think that they just deal, like for years when you watch all these mobster movies, we just deal with other Italians. Well, there's not Italians left. They're all in jail, or it's tough to make a fucking dime here. So they're going to have to,

they're going to have to be doing business with the brothers, with the Albanians, with the fucking Russians, with the, you know, the Cubans for bookmaking. You have to grow as a mob family. That's what you have to do today. They don't want to show you that in these new movies.

That's why they're all boring. Sylvester Stallone's show takes you that. Like he gets to Oklahoma, he gets out of a cab. Where does he go a weed store? Right? And he fucking shakes them down. And then he fucking, who's the cab driver? A black dude.

And he hires the dude to become his driver. Okay, I could think. I liked every facet of it, Except the daughter hasn't talked to him in 20 years. Why is it always got to be the daughter, the missing daughter? They got to put it out there. So all that aside, I fucking love the show. He's hanging out with Gentiles.

He's doing business with brothers. You know, he's got a chick that's in the FBI that he talks to, whatever the fuck she is. That's a good show for me. It's tough to sell. I like that's why they used fucking Stallone. because anybody else, like a medium-range actor, is not going to sell that show.

They're not going to jump on board, especially people from this area, like Italian, he's doing business with a Puerto Rican. But that's, if you know anything about the mob today. If you Wikipedia, the Genevice crime family, I don't know, one of those crime families, Lukasey, one of those, because I was reading this about a year ago,

they were in jail. And in jail, they teamed up with the brothers, whatever black gang there is in there, to sell cell phones. And then when the guy got out of jail, they were partying up with the brothers to sell cell phones. Why have you not heard about that on a TV show? They don't talk about that shit. If you're going to make a show, make it fucking realistic. That's all I ask. But I enjoy that fucking show for that reason because it's not the same, you know, he's in love with Marie.

you know, his Gubad. You know, it just keeps going and going, and you're like, we're all looking for a fucking change. So, 2023, this is what you're, for some people right now, for the last two weeks, people have been thinking about Christmas and what they're going to get Grandma and, you know, what they're going to get their girlfriend or who they're going to get engaged. I've been thinking about next year,

and I've been pushing it on Patreon, you know, on any of the, thing I do, I'm like, I'm really focused on 2023. And unless you're fucking crazy, you know, interest rates went down right before fucking New Year's Eve. So you got to buy a house. Before Mike got here, Trish was here, who sold me the house? And I said to her, your phone's ringing. And she's like, fuck yeah, it's been ringing. And she goes, I just had surgery. So it's busy. But I think next year's going to be a little fucking rough for a lot of people. You're seeing the writing on the wall. This, you know, when you go

Christmas shopping this week. I was looking at, you know, this is the shit I look at. A lot of people using their cards, man. You got to pay for that shit. Well, a lot of people use them

every year. But I think this year between the food and the fucking my neighbor told me that day, she had a baking cost to her $1,100 this year. For the same shit, she spends $6.50,

700, $1,100 to bake. Between the eggs, this, that, they're fucking they're not running a fucking charity out there at all they used to compare to now for years I've been saying they're not running a charity out there but now looking back

the last 10 years they have been running a charity compared to what's out there now I want to read a little more I want to be a better dad I want to be a better husband you always got to put those down because we always strive for you know

your house to be peaceful I got a great house guys. I'm not talking about the house or the size or the bathroom. I got a great home. It's peaceful. There's no yelling. There's no drugs in this fucking house. There's no alcohol. My wife is working again. I mean, it took us two years just to really get the law of the land, the lay out of the land, and how to fucking make it happen here. But she's working. My daughter's doing fucking great. I could be doing a little better. Like, I wish, you know, listen, I'm an action type of guy. Like, if you know anything about me, I like jumping up and down. But like I was telling you before, I can't anymore.

I wish I could. I wish I could, you know, I was thinking about Andy Huggins. Somebody sent me a message if I put him on the podcast. Andy Huggins is a great fucking guy. I've known Andy for many years in Houston. We're not tight. But whenever I was in Houston, I had conversations with my time. lap stop or at the lap spot years ago.

Andy Huggins is 72 years old. You've never heard of him. He does cruise ships. But he's 72 and he's my idol because he's doing it how I would do it. He just shot a special. It's on sale. It's on sale somewhere. You got to see this guy.

And he gets up on stage once a week or twice a week. When I heard about Andy, like I just. heard recently about him, but I knew I always see he's on Instagram or Facebook taking pictures from different comedy clubs in Houston or one nighters. They got a place called Run Yards, Rudyard's. That was great. It was like Monday night, Tuesday nights or something. That's the guy. Listen, I've come to a point in my life where I'm not going to get on planes. I'm telling you right now, I'm not getting on fucking planes. I just not in a fucking mood for it. I looked to see what the plane tickets were like for February.

My wife keeps torturing me about what are you going to do for your 60th birthday? I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do anything. I want to get some chicken cullets with some mashed potatoes and some cream corn with jalapeno's in it. When the jalapeno's a lot. Oh, my God, that's good shit. That's what I'm in the mood to do. But I looked at the plane tickets for Aspen.

Just one more hurrah in Aspen. You know, am I going to ski? I don't think so. I'll get my daughter in ski school. Yeah, I'll tube down one day. February is a great month because it's slow humidity. So the sun comes out and they do that bikini skiing. And it's just a great time of the year to go.

And I want to celebrate my 60th birthday. Again, I'm not cheap. But I'm not paying. It was, guys, they want $14,000 to sit in the back of the plane. I'm not fucking cheap But I'm not paying 14 on it to get tortured You know it's gonna be late

You know we're gonna sit on the fucking tarmac for 15 minutes You know there's gonna be all this shit So It's like Fuck you I'm not gonna pay that money To celebrate myself I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about

I gotta Yeah no no I do want to go to fucking Aspen But I'm not paying That type of money for my birthday I think birthday's a fucking overreesome Anyway, after your 21, go fuck yourself. I don't want to come to your stupid fucking birthday party. I'll go if it's a special, whatever.

But for me, like first of all, I'm not the type of guy to throw myself a birthday party. That would be a little fucking shitty. Like, I'm not throwing myself a 60th. Me with a scarf on, like, fucking Thurston Hale, the third and shit. I'm not doing that shit at all. And I really don't like fucking parties. Like, I really don't.

For me to be at a birthday party is the most important. embarrassing thing for me. For somebody to walk up with a cake happy brother when I'm in a

restaurant and somebody brings a fire crack out of somebody's table and all the wait staff come out I'm like God damn that's not good

I don't want that to be me fuck you yeah I don't want none of that shit but I'll tell you what guys you know

write your goals down what the fuck do you want to happen I don't want anything to happen in 2023 I want to keep doing the podcast. I think we're going to go to the podcast once a week.

We might start doing something with Vic on Wednesdays. So that'll be a little better to add to this. Vic is in Ireland right now. We talked about it the other night. Just doing the join on Sunday to Monday motivation. You know, I love Monday motivation. Even for me, I just like talking shit just to get my dick hard. It reminds me not to be fucking lazy.

but I'm going to do that Do the podcast on Sundays So you guys have something on Mondays I already know what I want to do I'm meeting the guy Mike from El Nito Tonight I'm gonna meet Mikey from El Nito

And maybe get a Rent to Space That's what I think we really need I gotta get out of this fucking house You know Rent to space I'm gonna do a something for draft Kings On Thursday nights

Where I just cover the week like Thursday night football Primetime football on Thursday night Give you the lineups for Friday, Saturday, Sunday Just for myself, just to fuck around Over the last year I love messing around with fucking

Draff Kings I really do It's not gambling for me It's fun because Gambling is when you put your life on the line To fucking bet that Like there's a big difference between me betting $2,000 on a Tuesday night that I don't have.

I don't have that $200. But for me to bet $200 on something I don't have for money that I think I need to, you know, like I was gambling as a child, as a young man, which I was a fucking child and mature, I was gambling because I thought I was going to make money. I thought I was going to actually make $30,000 a year. They're just running a charity over there.

You can just put bets in and they pay you on Thursday. That's not the way it works. That's why I don't even call it gambling no more. It's just fun. It should be fun. It shouldn't be like if you see a Sunday game and some guys is holding his head like a fucking statue, that guy's not having fun. I don't want that at all.

That's not why I work for Draft Kings. I think it's fun. For me, it's just fun. You think you're knowledgeable about something. Do you know how many nights I bet $10? 10 bucks? draft kings has these boxes at night so like tonight you got like maybe four or five basketball games you could bet them straight but then they have little boxes like john morant to score 40 points

and to have two steals uh another player on the team to have nine rebounds and them to win by money line not even cover the spread or anything like that those things are fucking tremendous i'll bet them fucking three nights. Ten bucks on... Let's say you... I like... Like last night, fucking Milwaukee played Brooklyn.

I'm just throwing this out there. No, no. Golden State played in Brooklyn last night. Golden State doesn't have their main guy and fucking Brooklyn is, you know, hit a miss. The Knicks of won seven of that last game, so they look fucking good.

I think they played last night. But you don't like both games. Like, you like, I can't. can see Brooklyn winning and I can see fucking whatever winning. So what are you going to do? Bet 20 bucks on each one and sit there? No. What you do is you just go to those boxes and go, I kind of like them.

So I just bet that it's 10 bucks to win like 91 some days. But if you take a beat and you don't lose $91. You just lose $10 fucking bucks. And then there's another box where the star of that team will score 28. Luca will get 15 rebounds, a bird or shit on the fucking flag, and then they win. and you put 10 bucks on that and it's fucking fun for me just to check the score

maybe if a game is on I'll watch it for three or four fucking minutes it's nonsense I don't worry it is gambling I word it is having fun there's some nights I don't do shit but there's some days where

last week the UFC I don't I watched two fights I watched the last two fights I didn't bet it you know it's just fun I don't even know what the fuck entertainment that's all it is. That's what people get confused. A lot of

people hit me up and go, Joey, I can't believe you're promoting gambling. No, gambling is if I gave you the number to a bookmaker who has a loan sharking fucking thing and then you get in trouble with them. You can't get in trouble with draft kings or any of the other ones because it's all credit card or

not even ATM card. You have to have the money to do it or PayPal. Like right now they're running a special. If you deposit 50 bucks or PayPal, you get a $10 bet for free. You know, it's just fucking fun, man. And that's it.

I'm looking forward to 2023. I don't know. I'm going to finish up my two shows at the Sony Hall. And then I got to do the audio book, which is going to take a lot of my fucking time, guys. So I don't want to book anything around that. And then March, maybe beginning of April, I'm going to have to start doing a couple more podcasts.

Go down to Austin, see Joe Rogan. I like to get there, you know, in January, maybe see Joe and do a quick podcast just to stay alive. The book comes out April 23rd. And then, I don't know, I was thinking of maybe doing a monthly residency, switching it up. Maybe doing one in New Jersey. I've been in New York for the last seven months. I haven't played in Jersey since the beginning of September, so I wanted to give Jersey a breather. So I'll come over to the Red Bank.

Red Bank has two great little theaters. They got the Count Basie, the big theater which seats 1,500. And they have the little one on the side. So that's a thought I might have. And I'm just going to keep it simple. Be a dad. I'll be 60. I'll be 60 in less than a month and a half.

Why put myself over my head? If I want to do comedy that bad, I'm in the greatest fucking city in the world. So that's it. I came to a conclusion. I built this up. Nothing happens by chance, guys. I know a lot of you guys think that luck, there's a lot of luck involved, but nothing happens by chance.

We all put hard work in and, you know, you bear the fruits of it, man, little by little. It's a journey. It's not going to happen overnight. If you're looking at 2023 to be like your bust out year, I agree with you. It's going to be your bust out year. But if it's not your bust out of year, but if it's not your busts,

that year, remember, it's a journey. It's not a fuck. It's a marathon. It's not a sprint. You got this. And that's it, man. It's going to be a great year. I am so happy that I put the work in this year.

You know, listen, man, I lost a bunch of money by getting off the road. What's that expression? You win the war, but you lose the battle. You know, I lost the war, but I won the battle. because I won that little, you know, I was stressed out about money, what am I going to do, this, that. It wasn't about money.

It's about you being happy and you being able to be productive and you being able to fucking do the things that you want to do. And for years, I kept telling the agents, guys, this isn't working for me anymore. This isn't working for me anymore. It's not that comedy wasn't working.

It was the way I was doing it that wasn't working. It was fucking backwards And it was starting to bother me All that shit I had when I got off the plane I moved here Was a ton of fucking confusion I was just totally fucking confused And guess what

I stuck to my guns You know as hard as it was I got rid of my age in L.A I stayed with the same age And I only went with a different guy in New York And I stuck to my guns I was scared There was a lot of fear

But guess what I did it. And now I know I could do this for eternity. I took a chance. It took me two years to get this down to figure out of life without having to go on the road only when I wanted to on my fucking terms. And that's what I'm doing. I'm living life on my terms. I took it down to my terms.

Always figure your life out and stick to your fucking guns. Even if it's making you lose money in a different area. Who gives a fuck? You're going for you. You're going for your dream. Listen, I always enjoyed doing it. But enough. I didn't want to get on planes anymore.

I didn't want to deal with these people no more. I was sick and tired of just doing things. I didn't want to do anymore. But most importantly, I was sick and tired of selling my future. It's fucking rough to have plans. And then to realize you have something to do. It worked for the longest time. But it didn't work any more.

more. So I'm happy I made the adjustment. And you got to work for everything you get in this life. You catch a break from time to time. You will. But you're not going to catch that break if you're not putting the fucking time in. So I hope you guys have a great holiday. Laughing gas

has still got wheat to help you out. Remember, we got Stoner Club delivered in Jersey. And if you're in L.A., just stop at the ice cream shop. I mean, Listen, this laughing gas is everywhere in California now. And people really digging it. We keep smoking it.

And that's it. It's going to be a great holiday. I hope you guys get everything you want for Christmas. But the most important gift you get is clarity for 2023 to do whatever the fuck you want next year. I love you motherfuckers. Mike and I were discussing it. We don't know what we're doing next week. We'll be back New Year's Week.

But we ain't working New Year's Day. So you might not get the podcast until Tuesday that week. So it'll be a slow week the next couple of weeks until we figured things out. But have a great holiday with your family. And we love you. I love you. Stay black. And we'll see you motherfuckers next week.

Tip, Top McGoo. And now for a word, my motherfucking sponsor, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers. I want to thank you and wish you guys and Merry Christmas again. But remember, Rocking. money, I fucking love Rocket Money. You think you spend about 80 a month, maybe 90 on subscriptions, but it's actual more like 200. You can be wasting hundreds of dollars each month on subscriptions. You didn't even know you had it. That's why I love Rocket Money, formerly known

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