The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #224 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: January 3, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT.....   It's Tuesday, January 3, 2023…   HAPPY NEW YEAR!    This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This episode is also brought to you by Mint Mobile, Better Help & The Freeze Pipe…   THE FREEZE PIPE Support the show and get 10% off with the code JOEY at https://TheFreezepipe.com   MINT MOBILE Get the best deal on a phone at https://mintmobile.com/JOEY   BETTER HELP Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/DIAZ   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world4   And don't forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps    The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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That's it. You motherfuckers. Let's kick this motherfucker off. off on a Tuesday morning. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? 20-23 is upon us. Yay-yo-free and 20-23. You know what I'm saying?

Stress-free and 20-23. It was a great little break. I missed you, motherfuckers, with all my heart. But I also needed to take a break with the family. It's a holiday season. I didn't want to focus on this shit and what the fuck is going on in the world. So Christmas was great.

I went over to the tree, you know, did all simple shit like that. Went into New York. City saw a rat that's always great on fucking Christmas that means you're gonna get a great fucking on the night day of Christmas I saw a fucking rat

went over saw the tree that was great with the girls went over with some friends Eddie Connors and then Christmas Eve it was a quiet Christmas guys we went across the street had some nice fucking Italian food

some lobster fra Diablo she made the best stuff fucking clams I've ever had my god damn life i was home by 11 the gifts were great it was just a very quiet you know break i mean you sit there you're expecting all this shit to happen then new years came and the week before new year's i must i talked to 20,000 people and i asked them all the same question what the fuck are you doing for new years do you know i only out of all the people i spoke to there was one couple Trish Florentine

a lady who sold me the house that was going out to dinner at 6 o'clock and I spoke to her husband yesterday the game Sunday and he was telling me they were home by 730 and in bed by 9 this had to be the lamest fucking new year I mean listen guys I'm a lame dude it's not like I'm gonna go out and jump

up and down and he quailudes those days are long fucking gone but at the same time I wanted to you know I stayed up past one I watched the honeymoon marathon until 6 a.m. I fucking smoked dope. I ate those silly mushrooms. I was fucked up. And I ate some different edibles on New Year's Eve that I only had 150 milligrams. They're the sweet treats from fucking Stoner Club, the grape ape.

They're 500 for the bag, but it's 50 milligrams each. And the honeymooners were coming on. I got back from New Year's. I didn't do much. I went to my buddies. They made a fucking tremendous lasagna. We watched a movie Call Sea of Love with Alps. Pacino and John Goodman fucking Ellen Barkman fucking tremendous I seen it already and then I just watched the fucking Georgia game

and they came back but I didn't cover what the fuck I was giving five I should have bet the money line and we were home by 1215 I came home me and my wife stood up for like an hour talking shit and I watched the honeymoon marathon fucking tremendous

I found myself crying three times throughout the night every time I watched the honeymoon I'm not watching the honeymooners. I'm revisiting my past. It's like, it's the weirdest fucking thing. That night I was like going through changes, like the way Lysayat used to go to,

when he used to eat edibles and be a different person. Like I was, I watched like two episodes, and then I would take two bong hits, and I would drink some water, and I'd fucking, and that was it. I kept testing myself on my fucking tired, but my mind just ran away from me when I was watching a honeymoon.

that night. I was watching the one about the taxes when he made a mistake on his tax and he thought they were going to throw him in jail and fucking the jokes were hysterical. He went to throw Norton out and he goes, I'm throwing you out and Norton's like, I'm not scared of you. Norton's like, fuck, Ralph says to him, Norton, I'm counting the three. He goes, if you can count, they wouldn't be investigating you for your taxes. Fucking hysterical. I just died. I just died. And I laugh so hard I just start crying. And I'm not crying because it's that funny. I've seen these and heard these jokes 50,000 fucking times.

Which shocks me about when I watched the honeymooners or there's certain handful of shows. Like when I was a kid, I watch them and I think about, I used to watch the show when my mother was alive. And it just fucking killed. That thought right there, the thought of that 50 years later, I still find this show funny. Like fucking funny. is shit. And the other thing that makes me cry is, you motherfuckers could come up with all your stupid fucking shows

and all your stupid fucking comedies and all your bullshit with your 20 writers. When you watch The Honeymooners, you watch real comedy writing. It is as brilliant as it could come. 195, 1951. He had two people on the fucking staff. And I gotta tell you something,

the writing is just superb. I also watch it. $99,000 question. All right, that is one of the greatest written episodes that I have ever watched on television. Ralph has to fucking go on a game show

to name songs, and he has to name the 99,000 you get to the $99,000 question. You have to go to like the $9,000 question, then the $16 question, then the $100 question. You just keep going up. It's like Jeopardy. Same thing. But it was

about music. He picks music. He was really nervous when he went to the show the first time and then he had to come back. The time ran out and he had to come back and I gave him time to practice and shit and the whole time Norton was his piano player and he was going through all these songs. The neighbors were running songs at him and shit and the next thing you know before Norton would play every song he'd go

trang trung-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun-tun. And sure enough, Norton would go, Ralph would go, why is it that before every fucking song, you got to play that song? And Norton would go, Dizzy Dean warms up in the bullpen. I got to warm up.

So the night comes, he gets to the fucking, he gets down there for the first question, the first one, like the $100 question. And before he goes, he tells the guy, I just want to let you know

that I've studied and I'm going all the way to the $99,000. dollar fucking answer. And the guy goes, well, that's great to know. Well, here's your first quiz. He goes, who is the composer of Swanee River? And Ralph

was like Swanee River. And all of a sudden, he goes, play a few bars from. And it's that song. Trang, trantan, tant, da, tan, trang, so all those songs that he studied, he never asked Norton what the name of that song was. That's how the, and then he goes, at the end, he goes, who was the composed? And he goes, I'm going to,

Ed Norton, because he just couldn't fucking guys that is the best episode well-written episode i have ever fucking and i cry i just cry like a little pussy but anyway who goes the fuck about the honeymoon fucking wednesday night i was very lucky listen for all that i have going on guys when it comes to stand-up comic i really have nothing going on i could lie to you guys and tell you that i'm killing it and all this shit listen i'm working with new material and old material and i revamped them just because i don't know where else to go like at least i'm honest with you i just don't know where else to go so i'm taking like the greatest hits and rewriting them over with fucking today's 2023 i'm just trying my best guys

but i know this going at i wouldn't put myself it's like the chappelle people contacted me last week god bless their hearts on the way back from new york and they're like are you available Saturday night to do New Year's in Columbus. I couldn't get a flight. It was just too fucking crazy. I called the travel agent. I hate calling travel agents. You know, they're like, you can just go on A.A.com.

What are the fuck you going to do? And she was like, I can't get you back to like maybe Tuesday or Wednesday. And I was like, you know what? It's going to be crazy this week with the airlines because everybody's flying back. So, but, hey, I had her went well. John Stewart, fucking Tammy Pasquette.

It went great. And I let them know. I go, listen, if you have anything in 2020, that you'd like me to stop in and do a show, give me in an advance. Don't tell me two nights before. Give me a fucking week or so. I know it doesn't work that way,

but I'm not, for all the comedy, when I'm getting to all the hoopla, I'm not really to that level, guys. I could tell you, yeah, I'm that guy. Listen, it's an entertaining show. We have a great time. You guys know I always find the tangent to go off on. I'm high.

We have a great time. We make the video. before and after to the city. I mean, this is all great, but I don't struggle up there, but I feel, I don't feel like I did before the pandemic is what I'm trying to say. I don't know if it's because of the pandemic or what happened during COVID, or I don't know if it's, I don't get on stage every night like I used to. It used to be second nature for me to get on the stage and kill it.

I don't know, you know, I don't know what the fuck's going to happen in 2023. I got one more show left on the 28th of January, but I got to tell you about the 29th of January of December. The 28th was a great fucking show. I didn't worry about it. I let it be very organic. I made notes leading up to the show. You know, I make my little notes and I write my jokes or whatever.

But I'm not writing to the level that I was, and I'm a lot of fucking stories. For the last three years, I haven't really done shit. And, you know, I can't tell you another one of my fucking old stories again. even though they pop up during the set of something somebody will throw, and I was going to tell the story last week of the Segura, one-legged woman, and I was like, I don't want to say it,

not to mention my wife was in the audience, she don't want to hear that fucking joke. But the show was sensational. Lee was fucking great, even though I had taken 200 milligrams. Tara was fucking tremendous. Eleanor is becoming a fucking powerhouse of a comedian guys.

Eleanor Kerrigan is not fucking around up there. She took that Philadelphia work ethic and that Philadelphia blue collar and she's learned how to transform it on stage and it is phenomenal guys. All the women that went had 16 girls there. 16 women came with my wife that night. Total it was 16. I'm sorry. My wife had the best birthday of her life.

and I was so happy that I was a part of it For the last 22 years guys I'm a dud I hate my birthday Do you know what I'm saying? You know when your birthday come be like what am I going to do I'm one of those idiots And every year It's the same shit

I take her out to dinner And I give her some fucking Piece of stupid fucking jewelry That she wears twice a year And we come home That's our birthday And my birthday is even worse I mean we don't do dick

you know, by a... So this year, a birthday following night of that show and these girls went all out. I mean, they rented off limo. They went to dinner at carmines in the city. They walked to the show. They got fucking hammered. Some of them were smoking in the back,

eating edible, jumping up and down. It was great to see my wife having a great time, and the pressure was off me. I didn't even give my wife a present. I think he gave her fucking card. That's it. because the pressure was off me. That's the hardest thing in the world

when you have to buy something for somebody on the 24th of December and you got to turn right back around the 24th for their birthday. That sucks, guys. You don't know how hard you try. It's not like a secondary gift. Like, I usually buy my wife

like a couple nice gifts and then a couple small ones, right? And you put them in your stocking, a notebook, whatever. And then, you know, but for Christmas and birthday, you can't give them secondary times. I can't throw over a bare underwear.

I got to throw some main shit. So it's rough, but this year, the show is great. I mean, the energy in the room, Catherine Narducci was there. Tara came. One of my dear friends was there I grew up with. And all of them said the same thing to me days later.

They were like, we've been to a lot of shows, but that show was primarily really fucking special. The audience was all in. My wife was crying. some of the women were crying on the side when I got on stage because of the love in the room. I mean, I was watching Lee, and I couldn't believe the love he was getting, and Thara, and, you know, and it was just people having a great time, and that's what a comedy show is supposed to be, guys.

You know, you could add the lights and the DJs, and you could jump up and down, but if the material and the love aren't there, you got nothing in that room. I've been into great places to perform, and I think, think people are just so excited to be there, they forget about what they're there for. So when you're a part of something like that, listen, I've been doing comedy for 30. And if I had a name and hundreds of shows, I've been involved in like a thousand shows like that where it's not about the comedy. People are just so fucking energetic to be out, you know. Best week of the year, I always tell people, is the week after Christmas.

And I'll tell you that the business side of it, the money side of it is great. People want to go out. People are dying to give you money to make them laugh when you're a comic. It's surreal what happens on the 26, 27, 28th, and 29th of the month. And then, of course, you've got New Year's. Some people call amateur hour. Listen, Tweed's on, you know, but comedy, entertainment, fucking the 26, people can't wait to get the fuck out. I don't know what it is.

You see the difference in the attitude. It's like the night before Thanksgiving. I love performing on that night. I used to perform in Irvine every year. I got to tell you something, guys. I used to sell it up. I used to make good money on that night, two shows. But the shows was so goddamn bad.

The shows were so goddamn bad looking back at them. Listen, man, Irvine used to be 45 minutes from Studio City. And on that day, on Thanksgiving Day, it takes you two and a half. hours. You don't know how many times Lee and I was stuck in bumping the bump of traffic or edit to Irvine. I did Thanksgiving maybe six or seven years in a row. And I got to be honest,

you're looking back at them. I hated every one of those fucking shows. From the first year when I ate the fucking Umi burger and I got sick on New Year's on Thanksgiving, the fucking, what's those Japanese burgers? There's a chain. And then they used to cook at the improv. I ate one night. I don't know if I think it was fucking bat beef or some shit.

because I was sick, but that's not the situation here. The situation was that those shows used to suck. Irvine's like in the middle of the place. They come to see me to stare at me. They wouldn't laugh. Irvine's really weak. And I had great shows at Irvine. I'm just talking about the night before Thanksgiving.

There was a couple clubs I couldn't fucking conquer if I wanted to, in Orange County, just for particular reasons. It became a mental thing. Then I started rocking and roll, and I steam row past the mental thing. but Irvine the night before Thanksgiving, I'd do it every year, and every year on the drive home, I would giggle on how it was just a show.

It was just a non, it felt like a non-committal show. Like they came to watch me, I performed, they left, and I left. There was nothing else there. So it was like, this sucks. So don't get me wrong. There's places that you go to that the energy's just off. The money's good. food is good, they laughed.

They laughed. It's not like you died. I'm not saying anything about it, that you died on stage or anything. They just energy wasn't right in the room. That was completely opposite Wednesday night at the Sony Hall. I mean, so if you were there,

you came out for a great show. There was a couple Patreon guys there. My man, Rick was there. He came back there with his son. He gave me a couple fucking police cards. You know, when you get pulled over, you give it to him this shit. Great, great people great night great venue this is my last one i don't know if i'm going to continue to do it or when i might have to take february off for the book to do the audio book or march i'm we're gonna you know

we're going into the new year this year this year is a week of fucking phone calls because uh we didn't do shit last week and even like i usually do this on monday monday was a fucking dead day sunday i was going to get behind no podcast mic for monday monday nobody was out there. Nobody was fucking out there Monday morning. I went to breakfast. There was nobody out there. There was no traffic. It was like, even my daughter, it's hard to even, like you look at

kids, okay, my daughter doesn't drink, my daughter doesn't smoke pot, my daughter doesn't take ecstasy, you know what I'm saying? She doesn't do any of that shit. She's a 10-year-old little girl. You have to see her. You have to see her Monday and Sunday, New Year's Day. New Year's Day, she was gone.

She had a sleepover, New Year's night the night before that we went to a fucking party you know she played basketball Thursday or something it was fucking like we were we they went to some basketball facility because it's been 60 fucking degrees for you people don't know it it's been 60

motherfucking degrees the other day some girl on Facebook just trying to be a jerk off and it's like how'd you enjoy moving to Jersey are you freezing your ass off ready to come back to Canada and I'm like bitch it's 60 degrees you're getting rain out there so today's the wrong day for you to be making

in front of me stupid. Fucking is it cold out. The fuck is wrong with you. 60 fucking degrees. But looking at my daughter, about 4 o'clock New Year's Day, I could tell she was damaged goods. She was damaged goods.

I had to the time she went to sleep New Year's Eve. We don't have to sleep about one. They slipped to about nine. But I could just tell from just and not drinking and not smoking and not, you know, we didn't go to New York City. We didn't do any of that

crazy stuff in the car. It was such a concentration of people and kids And you know Fucking for five or six days She's just shot I asked her you want to go to school Monday And she's like not a million fucking years She goes I'll be ready by Tuesday

But Monday not even fucking close Just looking at them Just to let you know how taxing the holidays are On you Like that fucking It gets Christmas day You're like When does this tree go down

You're like six more motherfucking days Look at this goddamn tree And it's so weird because it's like you're 50% recovered after the 25th, like the 26th, you feel like half your body's back to normal, but you still feel like, okay, I got one more week of this New Year's to jump up and down. And the New Year's comes and you're like, when that fucking ball drops, you were so fucking happy. You're like, thank God. And I tried watching that David, what's that called? Dick Clark thing. Oh, my God, guys.

No addition. What has happened to our society? And I didn't sit there like regular Americans and watch it and jump up and down. I was watching in between the Georgia game and just to see. But I flicked back one time and I heard this song by Duran Duran.

I'm like, look at these guys singing Duran Duran songs. Who the fuck are these? And all of a sudden, the camera pan, then I'm like, wait a second. That is Duran Duran. Simon LeBahn is not looking too good these days. I ain't looking too good either. But I wasn't looking good from the beginning.

When you're ugly in the beginning and you get older, you get ugly. But when you're good looking in the beginning, you get ugly. That's real fucking ugly. Because for me, I was ugly all along. But for Simon LeBahn, he was like a fucking heart drop. He's out there singing cocaine and white lines and hungry like the wolf. When that camera panned on to him and I saw that LeBahn had a bigger gut than I did, not Bueno guys.

And then they had the other guy that I recognized, but then they had a guy with a green tuxedo and like a red hat on, like a fucking guy was pale. He had no testosterone, no vitamin D in his body. This motherfucker looked worse than Mick Mawes. I don't know why the fuck he was on there. They had a black chick with plaintiff on fucking hair. They had people swab and spit.

The music was god awful. And then they put Wiz Khalif up there. I saw a Wiz direct from L.A. and I'm like, they didn't even let them smoke pot. They put a hat on them that said, Get High or something like that. Come on, guys. Come on, guys.

But the check must be fucking outrageous for Wiz Khalifa, but the fucking shocker of the night was Shaggy. Let me ask you a question. NBC, ABC, whoever did this fucking New Year's Bee Bash. I got no disrespect for Shaggy. That song is 80 fucking years old. It's so weird how they try to get YouTube people, right? Like YouTube kids and

TikTok kids. And they did what they did. And then they mixed them in with like fucking a couple of modern acts. And then they mixed them in with like fucking real old acts like me, like Duran Duran and fucking Boisterman. Was it Boisdeme? New Edition. No, Bobby Brown

is busy. Bobby Brown is in Boston, making eggs. So fucking, yeah, like, it was just and I'm not here to criticize none. Everybody has their own fucking taste, but that's not the Dick Clark show I grew up on. And when I saw fucking immigrants making out on TV, like people from other countries, did you see that? Like all these tan people swapping spit up.

It's like, oh, Dick Clark is fucking spinning in his grave. I saw the country fucking New Year's Eve thing, a couple segments of that, and that was way better, way better than fucking Dick Clark show. The rocking one, and Miley Cyrus wasn't bad either. until she started hugging people and fucking acting like, you know, she gives a fuck, then how to switch. Yeah, I can't deal with that shit.

But I don't know. If you stayed in, it was a good night. Like I said, I stayed in. I just wanted to fucking, I don't know, I was waiting to see if anything, like any kind of idea. I asked around, I couldn't see myself in a restaurant for New Year's with a DJ.

That is just so fucking cheesy. I just did not want to bring the ball in during fucking New Year's. I don't drink on New Year's. So, you know, I was telling, I'm happy. I lived a life that was weird, and I saw some weird things,

but there were some things I fucking just learned from, you know. 1980, I went to see Aerosmith, which somebody at the Nassau Coliseum. Me and Mike Denny, the devil, he's doing time now in North Carolina

for killing his wife. Well, that's what I heard. I don't know if he killed him. his wife, he killed somebody, his grandmother, it doesn't matter. Me and the devil went over there and we rung in New Year's Eve. There was no snow or anything. I just remember we had done some acid and we had done a few bumps and a couple beers. I wasn't drunk or like none of those New Year's Eve people drop at 8 o'clock.

There's puke everywhere. I had a good time at Erosmith, what I remember from the concert. and, you know, we drove back. I think we came home to George Washington. I just remember we went through Uptown. And it must have been about 1.30 in the morning. New Year's Eve, 1980, and we're driving through Uptown North Bergen,

going downtown on County Boulevard. And we had just passed the 91 Street Bend, shooting down like 85th Street past Roma pizza and all those, my favorite pizza there. and as we get to a bar name Regs, the bar was closed so it had to be after fucking three. The bar was closed.

So sorry about that. And as we pulled up, we weren't going to the bar anything. We were just driving on Kennedy Boulevard. But as we pulled up at that light at 80, whatever the street is, 85th Street, there was a car that hit a pole.

Smoke was coming out of it, and there was maybe another bystander who was there who had gotten there. We were probably either second or third on the fucking street on Kennedy Boulevard. Mike Denny pulled over and

I remember that the car that we were in an RX7 and the car that the people were driving was an RX7 a Mazda. If anybody remembers the RX7 it was basically a glorified casket for two people. That's

all it is. You get hit in a fucking you get hitting the RX7 guys, they're just burying you in the fucking RX7. Like, why should they even take you out and put you in it? It's a waste of time. So as I got out of the car, because it was an accident,

and there was smoke coming out of the hood of the car, and the car had gone into a pole, but it was right down the middle of the hood. Like, he hit it straight on 50-50 on both side. When I looked in the driver's side, I just saw somebody slumped over And there was blood on the windshield The windshield was blasted and stuff

But the girl that he was with was crying I didn't know the ages You know, I could be wrong 20, let's just say 20 18 I don't know around there I didn't know the person they were not from North Bergen And You know as we

I got shocked by the ambulances And the police that pulled up while we were looking And then I get away from the scene get away from the scene. We were right there, guys. And they're evaluating, and they're pushing everybody back, like me and the other two or three people. They're pushing us back, and they're going in the car, and they, you know, open up the passenger side, the driver's side. And I heard them say, he's gone.

Like, he's gone. I remember, like, it just took the wind out of my fucking sales. I was like, what the fuck? He's gone. And then they tried to open up the passenger side, and that's the side that was stuck. I don't know what, you know, a car collapsed and a car collapsed. front. They were trying to open up the past their sign.

They couldn't get it, but they had a moon roof. So the guy got on top of the car. The fireman got on top of the car and he ripped the moon roof open and he's yelling down or whatever. Then I remember they gave him a saw. And as he was cutting 10 minutes later or something, now it's a full fucking accident scene. Dave already yelled that he's dead and I'm on acid. I need this shit.

I'm on a fucking. tremendous hit of fucking acid. And it's starting to, you know, it's kicking. What the fuck am I telling me? It's fucking kicking. So, you know, I'm hearing buzzes and ambulances and fucking, it was like a joys of life, but they were cutting through the car. You know, you could see the sparks and shit.

So I'm tripping, and I can hear her yell. Happy New Year, you bad motherfuckers. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Listen, it's the beginning of the year, and life could be a little overwhelmed. Working with a therapist can make you more prepared to take on anything life pros at you. Listen, when I was confused a few years ago, I was struggling, Dana over a better help help me out. Better help is therapy options that's convenient, flexible, affordable, and entirely online.

Fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Very easy. If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can live. help you. Listen, man, like I said, I was struggling and she helped me with my goals and just to identify anxiety when it comes, how to fucking get out of it. So visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz today and get 10% off your first month. Again, that's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Betterhelp will help you ask for Dana. I could hear her yell. I can't move my light. I can't move my light. something i don't know exactly it was fucking for 30 years ago 40 fucking years ago but the moral

story that's why papa don't like to do dick on new years that stuck with me like a cheap fucking suit i just remember getting the car i didn't know her i didn't know him i was young my mother had just died maybe two months earlier i was in fucking hell as it was i had just gotten over one of the worst nights in my life, maybe two nights early, and now there's shit. And I'll never forget that I made like a fucking decision right there. Like, I'm not a drink, because the other thing I remember is the fireman taking out a bottle of vodka, like a Wolf-Schmidt Baca, and that maybe two inches left, and they took it.

So they were drinking. So with the acid and the fucking lights and the whole fucking thing, I'm like, doesn't look like I'll be fucking partying anymore. You know, I had that incident and then something happened in 83. And I was like, you know what? It's not worth it because you've got to pay attention on New Year Z. I was even scared driving back home. It was a fucking 10-minute ride.

But I was scared driving home that night. Not scared, like, but just going, Jesus Christ, I've got to keep my eyes open for some drunk cock sucker. You know what I'm saying? Because the thing you're scared of the most is getting whacked by a drunk dude to whacking somebody yourself if you're high or something. So I got home and I was happy and that's been the model for me. Like, guys, I even hate going on on New Year's to do comedy.

When I did comedy on New Year's, I missed the Ice House because I would do the 7.30 show and you're in your car at a quarter of nine. You go to whatever party you want. You go to whatever dinner you want. I like doing New Year's early. That shit of counting down like fucking Dick Clark. I'm not good with the fucking countdown. I'm not good with those countdowns at all.

I just want to get the fuck out of there. But I'm happy it's a new year. You know, I always keep, I don't know if my happiness is for the holidays or if my happiness is always for the new year. No matter what position I've always been in my life, there's always something that's excited you about the new year. Like you're like, okay, my life's going to change. This is going to happen.

I'm going to lose 80 pounds. I'm going to fucking meet a woman. You know, you have all these fucking goals. know, but it's the biggest, I think the biggest problem I made as a kid, and I don't, people make it for a fact, who I made for many years, is the mistake of thinking that things are just going to change, like, guys, and I'm the king of that shit, things are just going to change. It's a new year, don't worry about nothing. Your bills are going to go away.

Somebody's going to just give you a check. You know, somebody's going to give you a car. Whatever. You're going to meet a girl. girls want to knock on your door naked and it's going to come in that's what you're thinking you know this is my year to hit the fucking lottery this is my year to win the fucking contest at work it's always like a game of chance i didn't like it as a game of chance i really didn't it's so weird when i think new year's like uh when i first got off coke in 2008 was the first new year's that my mind looked at

different. You know, when you have an addiction or you have some fucking, what do they call it, like a vice, you know, you always think that success is to get money to make that vice coming more. Like if you like hookers

and, you know, you like fucking hookers like this, a kid on my Patreon, that's like I'm eight days without fucking a hooker. You know, what the fuck are you talking about, guy? You know, what the fuck are you talking about? But they'd say, listen, vices or vices. It could be, Viking it could be Zanix it could be coke

weed whatever so but we all like for me as a coke head I was like this is the year I snort more coke than next year you know because I'm gonna make more money than next year than last year you know like you just thought about all these stupid things like it's gonna be different

how is it going to be fucking different how like and when I that hit me like I was like yeah New Year's is coming things are going to change I'm gonna have a I'm going to have a different perspective and a different attitude. Just like that.

Just like that. It's like when you get baptized. You ever see like when you get baptized, you think things are going to change that day? You ever see like adults getting baptized? They put them in the lake backwards and they hit them in the head and they pull them up and they're like, you change, you know. Or whatever.

Pray to gay, you know, like when they're going to pray the gay away or, you know, all these things that we've grown to believe are going to happen just because, you know, the power of prayer and all this. The power of prayer is great. I'm not here doubting it. But you could just pray so fucking much before you got to do something. It's got to be action on your side. For years, we've waited on the universe to just change its course on us.

We're going to hit a lottery ticket. I'm going to drive down the street and find the suitcase. And all my problems are going to be fucking gone. That's the Band-Aid that we've grown up thinking that really is fucking possible. And listen, I could be wrong. It could be. Today, it's Tuesday. You can fucking go into a Google.

you and why you're there, maybe a butter road or fucking go, what the fuck, give me a picket ticket. And you hit the picket and you won three billion. I hope I'm the first motherfucker you hit me up and say, go fuck yourself. I defeated the odds. I'm there with you. At least throw me an all-purpose loan. But what are the odds of that really fucking happening? It's not.

So we have to up our game and change our game. Not much. Not much. People think you got to make all these fucking great changes. And I got to stay in every night. I got to eat special K. I got to fucking, you know, no, it's not that extreme. It's like a diet.

Like last Sunday night on 60 minutes, they had a thing about diet drugs. These new synthetic Hollywood-type drugs for people who have like a little beer belly. But they really meant for people who are like me, people who are whatever the fuck you call it obese. You have obese syndrome, whatever the fuck it is. They want 1,200 for these fucking. shots, you know, like 1,200 a month of these fucking shots.

They ain't cheap, guys. And, you know, but it's so weird to see people want to lose weight because I was one of those people. I thought like, ah, I'm going to get big and just, you know, stop drinking soda and I'm going to lose weight. And if you watch that show Sunday night, it's the shit that I've always known, obesity has to do with genetics. You could eat carrot sticks every fucking day and still be overweight.

A lot of it. I know a lot of you guys are saying, General, what are you talking about? But my point is, I have a friend that's getting the surgery. And in their mind, everybody who gets a surgery or who goes on a diet, thinks their lives is going to change miraculously.

Oh, it's going to change just like that. I'm going to meet the girl of my dreams once I lose the 800 pound, the fat ball on my neck. You know, like you're going to all of a sudden. And it's so weird the expectations we have. as Americans and as humans, but mostly as Americans.

Like, this shit's just gonna go away, you know? And even with me, like the last month, I've tried to lose weight and I've succeeded. I've dropped like nine pounds, but it's been the roughest fucking nine pounds ever lost in my life with the fucking holidays or whatever, but that's not the point here.

The point is that you have to change your lifestyle. And that's whether it's a diet, you know, this year I want to make the podcast a little stronger. You know, I want to do something with a friend of mine. We're going to do more videos, you know, like more Instagram videos. And it's basically a podcast, but it's the same. It's not going to be a podcast. But it's the same result.

I get to communicate to you guys, let you know what I'm doing. And the whole thing, the same thing happens when you're looking for something that thinks when you're looking for something that you think is going to just change miraculously. Like it's 2023. Everything's going to change. My problems are going to go away. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They're probably going to go away, but you have to work at them a little bit.

Just a little fucking bit. I love this time of the year. I fucking love it because it checks me. I get checked every day by me. You know me, guys. I beat myself up every day. I'm a loser. I'm a stiff.

I'm this and that But this is the biggest checking I do every year Because it lets you know what you need to do Everybody thinks just because it's a new year That everything's going to change No, everything's going to change If you put an effort into it How do you do that?

Just three little fucking things Three little fucking things You're going to drink more water this year You're going to read more? Guys, I didn't do for my goals this year Were very fucking simple And they were all to I want to start playing the guitar a little more

I want to be more consistent with it. You know, if you play on a Monday, then play two weeks later on a Thursday, you're not going to improve on no fucking, you know, and that's what I've been doing with it. I want to play little goals. Did I say I want to be in a rock band? Did I say I want to do a concert?

Did I say I want to hang out with the footh fighters and see what the new... Who's a new drummer? They're going to look at the one. I think it's going to be Taylor's son or the dude from Queen's son. I think. But it could be anybody.

You know? They're moving on. No, I did see they posted something, you know, and they did it right. I love them, how they reacted and stuff. You know, this is what I've been thinking about this year for the last three weeks. This is why I took off last week. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to do a fucking thing.

And every day I just made notes, just little notes. What differences, what are the little differences I wanted in 2023? Do I want to have a boat? None of that shit. You know, material things don't. do dick for me. I want to be better. How do I get better?

Do I add an extra jihitsu class? Do I go to cryotherapy? And so I can get more recovered so I can hit an extra jitoo class and maybe lift weights one extra day. I'm already working out four days a week, but do I need five? I don't fucking know. But these are the things I was thinking about. How can I make the joint just a little bit fucking better?

I didn't write down my goals. I want it to be the number one podcast. I don't give a fuck. I just want to be happy. I want you guys to be happy. And I want to give you the right amount of content to write about the right type of content to make this work between us.

I'm not looking to fucking add videos or fucking beat, you know, what's his name? Bill Maher and whatever the fuck it is. Guys, I'm just looking to be happy. This is one of these things that I never, every year we fucking look at our goals. and we go, all this shit, we need to make more money.

This year I need to work more. This year I need to work harder. Yeah, I need to do all those things also. But the number one goal of this year that I never really focused on was just being happy, being chill, letting things go by a little more. You know, who gives a fuck? It's like this week, if this was 10 years ago,

me and Mike would have been here on New Year's Day if we had a podcast on Monday because we got to go, we're missing something. No, we're not. They're not even in a fucking mood for it. You know, when we stopped, doing, you know, like this month in January, I think I'm just going to do one podcast a month until we get going.

You know, why fucking overbill? It's not that type of party no more. I know it's not. I'm about to turn 60 in less than two months, and that's been on my mind a fucking lot lately. A lot. First of all, what a lie. For years, I sweated 60.

Let's get down the basics. For years, I never thought I would make 60. Okay? Let's let's I thought I was gonna go in this whole What nobody understands in my life is that this whole fucking thing Has been a I didn't expect or see any of this coming Let's start from scratch with starters I was gonna die when I was 37 I just

Since the time I'm a kid My mother my dad died when he was 37 and I never thought I would make it past 37 I'm like it's just not gonna happen and that's okay You know, that's how I expected. My life was such a fucking shit show that when I was 20, I was like, I'm going to die at 37. And I got to tell you something. That's okay. Because if this is the first 20 years of my life and they've sucked, you know, no family, they're struggling, whatever.

If this is what life is, this struggle, I better not do this no more. This is not the life I want to live. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to party. I'm not going to take responsibility for anything And I'm gonna fucking just be a bum until I fucking die at 37 But then 38 37 2001 2000 January 1st I woke up in El Paso, Texas and I wasn't fucking dead

I still remember where I did comedy two For what was what did they call the Yeah Y2K that I was on state thinking the power's gonna turn out People gonna kick the doors in with fucking power beams It's a new world It's a new time. That didn't fucking happen.

But if you ever heard my fucking story, I thought I was going to die at 37, my life began at 37. Because 37 was the age when I met my wife Terry. 37 was the age when I kind of realized I was onto something. I'm onto something with the stand-up comedy. I've been doing this for nine fucking years, and nobody realized I'm a thief yet.

I haven't robbed the comedy club yet. I haven't kidnapped a comedian yet. I haven't gotten into a fight with a comedian yet. This has planned out to be an okay fucking mission. I'll stick it out for another fucking couple of years. But that's what happened when I was there. I thought I was going to die at 30 fucking 7. So at 37, when I met my girlfriend and she was very nice,

I was like, I might have a chance here. I might have a fucking chance here. I was getting spotted at the store. I was starting to travel with Joe Rogan And I'm like This is starting to pan out And now what? 23 fucking years later

I'm about to turn fucking 60 And I thought that We would all look like Archie Bunker I thought that I would be in like a stroller You know like when you're like I'm not exaggerating to you guys guys This is you know I came When I was 20 it was a different time

Of being 20 than when you guys were being 20 You know I saw a picture of Heidi Fleiss. It's a Heidi Fleiss. The girl who's married to Seal. The pretty girl that was married to Seal. She posted a picture herself two weeks ago. Heidi Klum, maybe.

I don't know. Heidi Klum? She's 58 years old with a fucking bikini on. Did anybody see those pictures of her? Been a word in a sexual way. It was just a picture her with sunglasses on a wall with a bikini on. When I went to the gym a couple days later, All the old lady club was talking about those pictures

And how impressive those pictures were Because it shows you that we've fucking come so far In 20 fucking years, 25 years. You never expected. Look at all these people you see on Instagram And their 60s and 50s doing things. Mick Jagger's going to tour this year. Him and Keith are going to tour this year

And they're going to turn 80 years old this year. When I was a kid, you didn't do anything but die at 80 years old. When I was a kid, you didn't do anything but die when you were 75 fucking years old. Never mind going on tour like Bruce Springsteen and his bandmates. This has been fucking, it's just that I'm 60. And there's a guy that bust my balls all the time on Patreon,

on John Mickelson. He's like, you can't retire. I made some stupid jokes a couple of years ago. I thought that I would just. retire and then I realized that I don't know how fucking people retire because there's nothing to fucking do.

There's nothing to do. I went to lunch with a buddy of mine this year, maybe last year. I'm like, when are you going to retire from UPS? And he's like, why would I? This guy is my age and he works seven days a week

from November 25th to January like third. He doesn't take a day off. I asked him, when do you He gets six weeks vacation a year, and he only takes two of them, because his wife only takes two of them. He has something to do.

He will not take a week vacation off by himself, because he says it's that fucking boring. And when I thought about retiring, listen, guys, I was just talking shit. I thought that I could get like a part-time job at Costco and put stickers on people's orders like a regular old guy. That's never going to fucking happen. So that's what I was talking about.

So it's not going to pan out. But now, thinking about it, I gotta work till they put me in the casket. You gotta work till they put you in the casket. Listen, I'm gonna turn 60. I'm walking okay. I'm losing weight. I work out.

I drink plenty of water. God knows I get plenty of fucking sleep lately. God knows I get plenty of fucking sleep. You know, this whoop watch, I'm sleep. I'm getting REM sleep now. Which I never REM slept for fucking 20 fucking years when I was doing comedy because you wake up in three hours. Your body's like, why?

Why would I fucking even indulge in that shit when you're not, going to wake up. So, you know, I do my physicals. I got to go for blood this week. I'm probably going to go Wednesday morning and give some blood. I got a heart doctor appointment on the tent. I'm taking care of myself at 60. This is a great fucking feeling.

You know, Mike and I were talking about things we're going to do with draft kings this year and everything. I'm going to be 60. I thought that I would be like halfway fucking dead. Listen, don't get me wrong, guys. I can't deliver for UPS now. It's like I'm going to take a roofing job where I can work for FedEx, Federal Express and deliver fucking boxes and climb stairs. I can't do that either.

I'm not going to lie to you about that. But I'm happy that I'm active. You know, I love going to Jiu-Jitsu to keep my mind going. Even if it's the basic class to learn an arm bar, it doesn't matter because you're taking steps. And that fights that fucking dementia, even if you're hitting the bag. You know, you're working combinations. You've got to remember those combinations. So that helps you a little bit.

So I'm trying to do the best I can So I see me fucking going to whatever I'm looking at stand-up this year a little bit Maybe a couple shows when I don't fucking know I'll keep your posted And I'm also looking at doing something with Vic I'm looking at fucking not the book this year Which I'm fucking

If anybody knows I am brutally excited about Because I get this fucking thing off my neck This has been a fucking This has been a nightmare For fucking 15 years That I just want to get off my back. I just want to be able to tell my story, tell my mom's story, and move the fuck on. But, yeah, I'm excited about 2023. I got a lot of good things happening. You know,

2022 ended the year strong. Listen, I talk to all these people. I answer your messages. I know a lot of years weren't struggling this fucking holiday. Honest to God, I usually get horrible holiday messages, people not doing well. This was one year where people were fucking, just everybody was in a good mood, man. So, 2020, 2020 is going to be a better year. Listen, we could talk about it like other people.

You know, there's a lot of going on right now. Well, Joey, what are we going to do about the war? You know, what about the COVID that's hit in China? Who gives a fuck? Just be happy. We're alive today. We made it to another fucking year. It's fucking Tuesday, you know

And that's it It's gonna be an easy fucking week And I'm excited If you're out of weed in Jersey Stoners Club, cocksuckers Uncle Joey 10% off for life Uncle Joey is the code 10% off for fucking life

They have some weed in Jersey now I forget what it's called I will post it later on On Twitter It's I gotta give some to Mike It's like 60%.

They dip it in ash and something else. It looks pale. It looks like a pale Indian. It just looks pale. But dog, it gives you a nice little fucking buzz. So if you want to give it a try, I'll post it on my Twitter later. I'm sorry, I'm not prepared.

Like I said, guys, I'm just excited about the possibilities in 2023. I'm happy I finally got this fucking book out. I'm happy that we're going to add a different dynamic to the podcasting and podcasting in general. and my Instagram and that's what's going on. That's how I feel. And that's fucking it. One thing I did this year,

I think I'm going to re-sign up with BetterHelp because you always have all these questions at the beginning of the year. Like you're like, you know, what should I do with goals, this, that? And like I say in the pitch for it, sometimes you need somebody to help you with a decision. You know, I went with Better Help last year or two years ago when I was,

was struggling with the fucking, uh, with the, when I was withdrawing and all that, just to get my thoughts on them. Guys, it's always there for you. And if you don't want to go on therapy, you got your best friend to bounce it off their fucking walls. But this is it. It's life. It's 20, three. I'm fucking excited. We're here another year. Like I said, we're only putting out one podcast this week. And, uh, we'll keep your motherfuckers, uh, let you know what's crack it. That's it and that's that, you bad motherfuckers. Have a great day. And I'll be back next Monday, the ninth tip-top Magoo, ready to go.

Love you. And here's a word from our sponsors. All right, it's the kick of a new year. Thank you. Thank you for supporting and for love. And we won't do another one until next Monday, just to give you a fucking chance to come out of your coma like Rip Van Winkle. Anyway, the join is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

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month at Mintmobile.com slash Joey. Offer ends January 15th. The joint is also brought to you by freeze pipe. Listen, it's time to invest in your stuff and get the best tools for the job. Your job is like my job to smoke dope with three hands and freeze pipe is here to make sure you got the best tools to get you high all the way to 2024. Just freeze it, pack it, and rip that motherfucker. The smoke passes through the frozen part, cooling down the smoke as you inhale. Listen, I had a blast at this thing over the holidays. It didn't snow, but I froze that pipe and I saw the devil every fucking day, the 12 days of Christmas. Free pipe cools down the smoke by 100 degrees.

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but no additional charge. It's that easy. Listen, when I was stuck, Dana helped me over at BetterHelp, and she did a great job, because here I am, tip, top, motherfucking Magoo. So if you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Again, betterhelp.com slash Diaz,

and I'm going to get you 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. I want to thank BetterHelp, freeze pipe, and Mint Mobile. And I want to thank you guys for always having our back. We're going to have a great thing for you in 2023. So thank you for your support and love. And I'll see you, motherfuckers. Monday morning, Monday morning,

tip-top Magoo. Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you.