The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #225 - Joey Diaz, Felipe Esparza and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: October 28, 2014

Felipe Esparza, Comedian, Winner Of Last Comic Standing and The What's Up Fool Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  Like Suicide - Sound Garden I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Warning - Biggie Smalls Recorded on 10/27/2014

This show is sponsored by Hulu.U. by Dollar ShaveClub.com. Get high-quality raises sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to Dollar ShaveClub.com slash church. That's dollarshave club.com slash church. Or just go to Joey D.S. dot net and click on the Dollar Shave Club baner. And right now they're giving away a free bottle of Dr. Carver's shave butter with all new orders. If you go to Onnet.com and use code word church, you're going to get 10% off of any of their great products, Alpha brain, new mood, shroom tech immune, shroom tech sport

Use code word church to get 10% off And the show is sponsored by hit e-sigs.com That's hit the letter e-sigs.com Better tasting, longer lasting, the proof is in the vape They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars Different flavor e-cigarettes and different variations of nicotine Use code word Joey's church to get 20% off your order Kick that motherfucker Lisa yet

Are you kidding me or what Monday night Special edition The church of what's happened Now you bad motherfuckers Monday October 27 Oh shit Kick it league

Kick that motherfucker Kick out the jams bitches It's Monday What One time with the motherfucking church On a Monday Fuck the Cowboys

Uh Rifa madness Put it in your mouth Like that motherfucker Oh shit Where the fuck you been Cuck sucker? What's other questions?

You got the Yarmac on You got the flying juice shirt on I got to have the Yama con The girl is moving up to Van Nuys You fucked up You had a 15 miles away No it's good Now you got her up there

Now the mother's gonna cook for you For a night's over there You over there watching Telemundo Asking what your horoscope is No I was terrified last night I'm thank God Because I went and saw Fury

How was it? Great It was really violent. It's super violent, but it was good. Brad Pitt's always good. They shoot people. No, but they, like, they shoot people and their heads explode. It's fucking, it's good.

Tremendous. But I was dropping her off, and I had to get gas, and I pulled in, and I knew immediately I wasn't supposed to be there. Like, there was hookers and drug deals going on, and I asked her if it was okay, and she said yes, and then when I got back in the car, she was laughing. She's like, this is the worst part of Englewood. Like, even the Taco Bell drive-thru has bars on the window.

How'd the hook a look. Not good. All right. It was Sunday night. You wouldn't get that phone on. You would let it lick your fucking nuts. It was one of the... I like black girls, but it was one of the black girls with blonde hair.

I'm like... Little Kim-looking motherfuckers. Yeah, that's not my style. Miami was fucking tremendous. My last three weeks were great little weeks, and I'm very happy that... Unfortunately, I could go out and do comedy in these cities, but Miami was fucking great this time.

I saw somebody I hadn't seen in fucking 30 years, you know? And they had my shit. They saved my shit My godmother said He's going to come and get this stuff Even if I'm dead He's still going to come and get this stuff Your Centuria stuff

Everything I had T-shirt It was just amazing Oh any pictures? No pictures A couple pictures A couple pictures Just I saw Carlos Perez A dear friend of mine that

Wait was it a writer No no no It was a Mercedes This chick But I saw A friend of mine named Carlos Carlos Perez Who on Sundays

We used to buy a $10 bag of Crystal T.HC, me, him and Sabatino, $3, $10 for a $10 bag of Angel Dust. And we'd buy six micolubes. And we'd sit at my mother's house, snort it, and listen to Led Zeppelin to, like, fucking soldiers in training. And then I saw Martin Perez. And Martin Perez's father was a driver for Batista. Okay.

And I grew up with Martin Perez. And when I see these people, you think of the most obvious thing that happened between you and them, like as a child. One time he lit a tree on fire that everybody had lit on fire, and he's the only one that got busted. But the weirdest thing that happened to Martin Perez was one night the New York Mets played against the North Bergen High School faculty. This is 1976, maybe 75. I didn't have hair on my dick.

I was a young kid. We walked out of the basketball thing, and there was a fist fight. And we got pushed around a little bit, and we ran. And when we got to the corner, there was a chick that was letting, she was like 16. And she was letting my three guys feel her tities. At once? Like for 10 cents or a cord. I don't know what the deal was.

Jesus. We walked up on them, like six gorillas, and we all started feeling her tit. And it was just horrible. Like, everybody was grabbing her tits and shitting grabbing her ass and her tits. And I remember I squeezed her tits, and my dick got so fucking hard. Like, I had never squeezed a woman's tits before. Yeah. And I grabbed her tits.

And I walked home like 40 blitz. with this little fucking heart on. My head was on fire. That's a fucking shit. What do you think happens to that? Because there's always that one girl who does that in high school and middle school. What do you think it happened to that girl? I don't know.

I don't know what her name is. If somebody let me squeeze their tits, at least I remember their name. I don't remember what her name was. I never saw that girl again. I never heard nothing about it. It was the weirdest thing. But we were both talking about it, how we walked home. Like, wow.

Did you feel her tits? Like, it was fucking big for us. Like, to grab her tits. Hell yeah. Felipe Spars it in the motherfucking house What's up, fool? How big were titties, man? At that time, I don't even remember.

I can't even tell you. I don't know what the girl looked like. All I know is I was 12, maybe 11 tops. Tots were a big deal. That's what I was going through my tit feathers. I was smelling women's bras. You would smell a bra? If I went to your house, I asked myself to go to the back room

and I would hope to God that your mom left one of her bras hanging. A mom bra? Yeah, fuck you. Yeah, the back of it, bro. The back of it, like a soldier. Or under the cups. Yeah, right there. It gets a little sweaty right there.

I didn't know what Titty smell like. To this day, Titties don't smell like nothing, you know, it's just... Baby powder. It's just whatever's in your fucking head, you know what I'm saying? I feel like it. But that was it. You know one thing about Miami that I noticed for the first time in all my life that I've been going to Miami that... It's kind of an injustice if you're Spanish or you don't live in Miami.

Because you don't get the full benefits of being Spanish. You see everything down there. Just Cubans being Bedouin's the things of the past. Different than L.A.? Because L.A. is a lot of... Yeah. No, no, no. They have the whole...

They have Venezuelans. They have all that... A lot of Colombians. A lot of Brazilians. They have this whole gap, you know? And it's like every three blocks you see this little... Cafetta coffee shop. Or La Al-Ale coffee shop.

Yeah, Caleta the Balam. Yeah. get like a dollar 50 for a half a cup of coffee that you share with three people and you all get fucked up. It's super strong. Yeah. That's good. And everybody sits around and they talk shit.

And I went to first morning and got like a Cuban sandwich and a couple croquettas and my fucking head. I went to the doctor today. I gained six pounds in Miami in three days. It's fucking amazing. And I didn't eat like ice cream or flan. Nothing. They got flan at the Miami Club now at the Homestead. Yeah.

They got delicious food, man. And both nights I had a salad with a piece of dolphin. I was going to say, do you try dolphin? Mahi-Mahi. I always ate it. I've always eaten dolphin. Wait, Mahi-Mahi's dolphin? Yeah, it's Hawaiian.

Like, whatever the fucking is. Oh, okay. Yeah, you didn't know that? I saw the menu, and I found it like his actual dolphin. Homefield, the dolphin fingers and all that? Yeah. The blue cheese dressing on the salad was fucking delicious. The tomatoes were fucking delicious.

Do you understand me? You said you had some awesome Jews at the show. I had a couple Jews at the show. I had a great black couple that came. up to me. They were beautiful people. And he asked me where to get big geese for Jiu-Jit-to, and I told them, Amazon.com. I forget the company, but to have up to A.A., if he's listening, they were very sweet, very nice. It was just a nice, easy fucking weekend, Philippa.

I can't work hard no more. What club are you at? Miami Improb doesn't have a club. They use the Crystal Palace. Whatever that is, the Crystal Casino, I guess. And then they have, and that's for Big Big Axe. And then they have the pool hall. That's where they put Rob Schneider, the guy from Johnny, whatever, Johnny Boy, Johnny.

What? He jumps off buildings, you know, jackass. Oh, Steve-O. Steve-O, yeah. And I was there. Johnny Boy. I went through with Rodrigo the first time. To Miami Improv.

And hooked up with one Cuban guy, right? He, like, a big fan. He smoked his out on the roof on the next door of the parking lot. And I remember we got there. And I didn't know he was Cuban. and you know, I thought he was some other country, some other guy. He goes, bienbeinos, am I techo.

And he took out a big ass bow. Then he gave me his card, right? And I still have the card. And then he says, he does roofing, he does fencing, but the thing he wrote on the back, but what I really do is,

and he wrote it like this, P-A-R-T-A-A, part-te. They love to party. He wanted a party. He went to him with old lady the first night, falling in love, that came back the last night with us

and hung up with me and Rodrigo. We went back two years later. He was waiting for us like a soldier. You know, what I explained to them, and I told the chick, I told the girl Melissa, who's very sweet, I go, this is a great club. You know, it's just a little too big.

I had 325 seats. But I just want you to know something. I just want you to know that 15 years ago the Miami Improv was one of the top 10 clubs in the country. 98 99 that club was kicking I was a badass fucking club and then they started doing business dumb shit

but that was a great solid club never mind that you were in fucking Miami so I go to Miami I go one week with somebody I go for two weeks Rogan's coming with Chris McGuire and I wait and I MC for them

and then I go home and they bring me back like six months later and I get there on a Tuesday night and there's a girl sitting there with a guy. And we go out to the front, everybody says, hello, they come over to me. I don't know who the headline I was. I didn't headline those days.

I was always the feed track. I went outside and they started talking to me. Okay. The next day, because those days comedy started on Tuesday night. There was no Thursday to Sunday? Tuesday to Sunday, Jack. Oh my gosh. By Friday, you were fucking hitting yourself in the head with your fucking jokes.

And then because, yeah, I went there one time and then I went, again with Joy Medina and Jeff Garcia, the devil, and we'd figure out who was going to headline. That was a fucking crazy weekend, but I went there, and the second night the girl came back, and this time she came with a different guy.

She said it was her brother or whatever. Then the third night she came with a broad, a girl. Now, I didn't see her again. I didn't think nothing of it, guys. So Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday? Right. Now, I don't know who the headliner was. So Tuesday the next week opens up, bam, she's there with a girl.

We talk a little while, we get, yeah, well, you name, man, great. I'm just a comedy fan, and I really don't have a life at night. These are my girlfriends, and I want to show them that you're funny. Oh, that's great. So next night, I think she comes back with a guy. Then the next night she comes back with a chubby chick, like a cute chubby chick. Oh, shit. Right, and they're talking to me, and they're talking to me, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And also we start talking about blow, and one thing leads to another, and they go, come on, come with us, party in the beach. I have a condo on the beach. I got champagne. I got more blow there, if not we'll call. And I'm like, okay. And let me be honest with you guys, the one girl was a fucking 12. The other girl was a chubby, cute girl.

She was a six. Whatever happens happens. But when I got in that car, I'm going to look at both ears in the face. I didn't think anything about fucking them or nothing like that. It started off as a, you know what? I got nothing to do tomorrow anyway on Thursday.

What's all this? I got one show, you know? Even if I get fucked up and hung over, I'll come back. You know, no big, you know, I got to go out of my comfort zones. I said, fuck, I'm going to go to the beach with them. We got downstairs, the girl had the new fucking Audi.

The other girl had the Mercedes. I got in the girl, the blonde girl with the Audi goes, come with me because she's drunk, whatever. We start driving. No, no, no, no. In fact, we're going to go pick up more blow. I tell I only got like a hundred bucks. She's like, I don't need your money. She knows the guy.

She goes, oh, that gets the fucking eight ball. We go back to a fucking place. It's a high-rise, but she had her own garage-type deal. Her garage opens up, and she's got the Saudi and something. fucking Porsche, like a nice Porsche, right? And I go, why do you have these cars? What do you do? Are you a drug dealer?

She goes, no, my father owns an Audi dealership or some shit. Or he imports outies, or he imp. Some story. We go upstairs to her apartment. The apartment guys is banging. Big old fucking patio. She had a rack with Don Perignon in it and wine and shit. I'm watching at that time Conan O'Brien.

It was one in the morning or maybe 12 at night in the East Coast. and I'm sitting there fucking Coke out to the gills and they're putting coke out and they're like do you mind if we switch into different clothing and I'm not guys I'm not thinking about the chubby girl says she had a boyfriend

the other girl didn't say nothing so I didn't say nothing Not even at all, not even like maybe I'm going to blow a job Nothing nothing In those days I was so coked out Even if I could have got a blowjob My dick was fucking small in an inch I was sitting there join

and all of a sudden, it's got to be four in the morning. I'm watching cable, whatever the fuck's on. They're pouring champagne. I'm drinking beers, champagne. I'm just tossing them back. I'm snort and blow. And next thing you know, these girls start taking off their clothes and start swap and spit 10 feet by me.

They're going out of this. What are they wearing? They took their shirts off. Oh, right. And they're grabbing their tits and blah, blah, blah, blah. It's fucking tremendous. I'm looking and make them believe I'm looking at the thing. Then the one girl takes the chubby girl's panty.

off and she's eating her pussy and you can hear this shit I'm sitting at doing lines of coke because they left a mountain of coke I'm actually with a dish doing coke while they're going at it and at this time I don't know what to think

I'm like I might get laid I might not get laid but I got to make it to the bathroom and jerk off and get my dick hard so when I come out here I come out with a fucking you know with a gun with bullets in it I can't show up this little dick in front of two chicks and sure enough they take their panties off now the other chick

The hot blinds got a period. You can see a little string that she cut in half or something like that. I'm like, oh, God. But she's licking around it. She's licking her asshole and shit. They get up without saying nothing to me, and they go in the bedroom. I'm like, ooh, I got out of that one. Now I'm starting to put bindles together.

I'm starting to put coke in different bindles because I got to go. I'm taking some coke with me. Wait, two girls are going at it and you're just like, I got to get the coat. Because they're not even drunk. Bro, when you're a junkie, you're a junkie all the way. Fuck. Tell this fool. When you're a jet all the way.

And they're probably some good-ass shit, too. So now the cock girl comes out and says, come on in here. Oh, shit. I come in here, take off your clothes. The chubby girl wants to fuck you. Oh, shit. And they start fucking jerking me off

and the whole thing and nothing. Nothing. My dick will not get hard. Motherfucker. Set me down. The chubby girl sucked it. The blonde girl sucked it. I'm sorry this is going this way tonight.

It's a Monday night bitches. and I wasn't even going to talk about this I just remember talking to Felipe because I know Felipe's been to Miami and those they're crazy so now I go back in the living room and they're laying around drinking champagne they got a huge dildo

like a two-way dildo so one gets on it and the other one they both fuck the dildo and I'm sitting there going oh my God this is crazy right so they're tired the sun's coming out I'm still doing blow

there's still more blow left the chubby girl tries to sleep in the living room and the blonde goes into the bedroom. Something happens. The chubby girl leaves, and the blonde girl comes out and gets me and says, come on, put a condom on. And this time I get a hard on.

So now I'm fucking around with the blonde girl. The chubby girl forgot her shoe or a fucking sandwich or whatever the fuck she forgot. And she sees me fucking the blonde, and she goes off on me. And the girlfriend, like, eating them on the fuck you's both. You both had this plan. That's why you drove without me. He never wanted to fuck me. You tricked me.

You wanted it. And I'm like, look at this shit. I don't care who I'd fuck. Both of the years are cute in my fucking world, you know. So I hook up with this girl, this Thursday night, then she comes to the improv Friday and picks me up. She comes Saturday, Sunday, every night. I go back to that condo, and we do blow, and we mess around,

and we talk about life, and she tells me her, she used to date David Lee Roth and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And at the end of that Sunday, she takes me out to dinner after the improv and goes, listen, after tonight, lose my number. I'm getting married and two. weeks. What?

What? She just lose my number. I'm marrying some weather guy or something. Lose my number. It was great while it lasted. I really dig you. Good luck in your career. That's it.

I walked out of there. I never thought about that broad again. Never called. Never did nothing. Nothing ever came of it. When Twitter got big, she never hit me up. When Facebook got big, she never hit me up. Friday night, I walk off stage, guys.

Second show, and I'm walking towards the green room. And some lady goes to turn around and she grabs my arm and she goes, how are you? And she gives me a hug. And I'm like, good, good. And the guy next door puts it, he goes, that was great. And the other guy, that was great. And she goes, yes, she goes, I met Joey about 15 years ago.

We were friends at the improv. I would go to the improv and we'd have drinks together. And she looked at me and she winked at me with one fucking eye. Like a soldier. She didn't look like her at all. It didn't look like that girl at all. What happens? She got older.

Yeah, she was a mom now. Her hair was different. didn't have glasses. That's what, it was fucking crazy. It was fucking crazy. Did any part of you think

like you're gonna have to tell it? Listen, no, I walked into it. I walked into the green room and then I sat in there for a little while

and I processed the whole thing. Yeah. And I said, okay, and I went back out there and she was gone. Just like that. That's crazy.

That is the craziest fucking thing that happened this weekend. There you have, Felipe. That's crazy, man. Me, I was at the Ice House?

That's right. You were with ice. I was the ice show this week, and it was fun. We added an extra show on Saturday at 6 p.m. So we did a 6 p.m. A clean one? 18. No, no, no.

It was sold out. So we added an extra third show. Look at Felipe. Six. Six. Six. Look at Felipe. You did Thursday night too?

Yeah. Oh, shit. Look at Felipe. Take him on deep into the fucking murky waters of the underworld and shit. But on the Thursday show, man. I remember when I was at Wild Coyotes, you know, I always wanted to do any show that, 50 bucks or more, I'm there.

You know, and yours say I hit me up. You know, it's a show over here in Hollywood, you know, Burbank. Burbank Hill, Hollywood Hills. It'll pay like 75 bucks, but it's at 2.30 in the morning. So I said, all right, so fuck.

It was Stephen Fly, Rodrigo Torres, Chepo, Juan Garcia, myself. Where? We drove to that gig. This weekend. No, this was like many years ago. It was like in 2000. Oh, I remember that gig? Yeah, yeah, 2006. Like a black club.

No, that was, that was a different one in Hollywood. That was a good luck club. Okay, that was one in the middle of the night, right, right. That one I went to another one, and it's like, bro, when I get there, this is like an undercover cop, checking you make sure you have no guns, and you go inside here, man, and they're partying, bro. I mean, they got arcades in there. At 2.30 in the morning? Yes, bro.

They had an arcade there. Outside, they had a bathroom stall. You know, normally when you party at a house, people pee outside. This guy installed bathroom stalls. So you could just pee on the side of the water. You flush it. And then the inside of the house was set up to look like 5 p.m. every day. He had nice lights.

Anyway, I party at this guy's house after the show. I didn't leave his house to noon the next day. I just stood there with him, you know, and he was talking to me, old Spanish guy. And I forgot about him, you know, because I don't want to go back over there because I don't want to party. I felt like Pinocchio. Remember Pinocchio going to that party? And then everybody's growing fucking turning into donkeys. So I never thought about this guy.

I saw him at the show, at the end of the show. He saw me, and he opened up his jacket. And he had a little vial that's nasal spray. This week? Yeah. He has nasal spray in it. It's like a nasal spray jar. But cocaine.

But that's cocaine, yeah, it's cocaine and water. He goes, hey, you remember me? And I said, oh, wow, it's due, bro. I've been talking about you forever. And I told everybody, this is a guy. This guy had photos, bro. Of me, pretended to be a bartender all fucked up in his house. Fucky.

No spray in water? Is that like that? No, nasal spray coke. Fuck. It's already mixed with the water. What the fuck? I don't know how they do it. I've had.

People had that before. It was like a nasal spray for your nose, but it had like half, all Coke and some water in it. Fuck. I only get one of those a month, like one every three months, a good one. Like somebody from the past will hip you up on Facebook, and you're like, this is fucking tremendous, you know? And then you call them, and then you're like,

this was a fucking mistake. Sometimes you call them back, and then they're crazy now. They tell you about Martians or something. Yeah. I call the buddy of mine. It's crazy. when I talk about that shit. I called the buddy of mine that I ran with every night for 10 years.

About three years ago, he was living in Long Beach, dog. I had to hang up the fucking phone, like, make believe. We got no reception here, because it was fucking craziness about Martians, and they invaded Long Beach dressed as Russians and shit. Martians dressed as Russians. That's what he was telling me. He goes, a lot of people don't know, but I see it. Coco, I went to school for this.

And I'm like, where did you go to school? He's telling me how he went to. Jersey City State for his bachelors and some other school for for something and he goes in it it was just crazy so sometimes you got to watch but it's great when you go like that girl I didn't think nothing I didn't when I closed the door to the green room and when I realized who she was and I was like oh my God that was a long fucking time ago that was a long time ago that's you've been doing comedy a long time a long time You know, it'd be nice just to write a story about comedy stories, a book about comedy stories just in the beginning.

Like, I still remember it was a Wednesday night at 11 when I got the page from David Tribble. Like I was sitting at the Wolf's house. I was at Mike Casill. The Wolf. We were coming down off a blow attack. It was like 11.30. And I got a call from David Tribble, like January, like February of 95, St. Joey, I got six books. David Tribble, I've got six weeks of work for you if you have it right now.

Open your book and me going, oh my God, this is real. Like, this is real. Polkatello. The tour started in a base, a army base or some service base in Utah. In Utah. That's where the first night was. Utah. I'm like, I thought they were just more.

No, this is an army base. I remember I died, the slow death. It was like that boss. that they used in Carlito's way. Yeah. It looked just like that. Was that the one where the sergeant's wife gave you a blow job on stage? No, that's, that's a nation's home.

That's mountain home. That's mountain home. I don't know if it's in the mountain. No, Idaho. No, Idaho. It's a some type of service base. But that was on that run. Like, that was six weeks.

That was the beginning of my comedy career. Six weeks in a fucking car that the axle was broken half. And you couldn't hit a pothole or you were doomed, you know, with fucking, just everything. that your life needed in this car. I had everything in that car. Band-aids of football, basketball, swimming fins,

because you never know what you needed on the road. And everything was placed perfectly. Blankets, sleeping bags, you know, waterproof shit, socks, clothing, extra food in the back. When did you ever have to break out those swimming fins? I just, I had them from, somebody gave them to me when I was married.

So I took them with me. They were fucking like $2,000, fins. They were beautiful. So I took them with me and God knows what happened to those things that got towed. But I was thinking about what I had back there. I had a great basketball. I had maps. I had books, flashlights,

every tool imaginable to fix a car. And I had it placed impeccably because if I used to get stuck on the road or I didn't want to, I didn't have money for a hotel. Who had money for a hotel, bro? You pulled over at a rest area, locked your doors, left your sunroof a little

open and took your chances. You slept like every 15th, you know, like 20 minutes shot, 20 minutes, 20 minutes, until you heard birds and trucks pulling up next to you. It's a fucking horrible way to live. Holy fuck. Yeah, and I did that. I used to have to go from Denver to Baltimore. That was my first

real gig. And along the way, I didn't have money for a hotel. Hotel. Remember Lake Habizu? Lake Habesu. Damn, man. For Walsh. We used to go Lake Habesu, bro. A lot. A lot. 50. For $150. $150 in a room.

Paula asked me today, over the weekend randomly. How long does it take for a comedian to be, like, headlining? And I told her like around 10 years is what I've heard to start. And she said, like, how do they do it for that long for no money? Like, when you're sleeping on the side of the highway in a car, why aren't you

just like, let me go sell drugs again, let me friggin' roof again? It was hard, man. That's crazy. And I had to do, I remember pulling over because there was no rest area and leaving the car on and sleeping and waking up and thinking that you fell asleep driving.

You don't know what that feeling is like. That's why I never slept on the road again because you have to keep the heat on with the gas running. So you'd wake up and all of a sudden you'd pop up and you'd grab the stern wheel. And that was the scariest feeling I ever had in my fucking life.

I remember I actually gave so happy because this guy started a show on Friday's nights, Latino night. I forgot his name. He was crazy. But man, it was crazy. That was the only time I ate pasta

with shrimp. Remember? We were show up with the improv and they need to have warm bread. And then we were eating up one place, I have two plate, me, you and then Gavin, then you told Gavin, you tell Gavin, you're like, come on, man. But people are going to pass power now. You think I'm sharing plates getting pissed off.

That was, yeah. Yeah. Because if you did that, spot at the improv. You got a dinner. A big dinner, dude. They don't have the big shrimps, though. You look down on your plate and there's some comedian's and that's one of your shrimps. You know, they used to tell you, listen, this gig only pays 50 bucks, but it's all you could eat and all you could drink.

And you're like, fuck it, I'm getting mine, you know. And they'll give you a hotel room. You brought a grandma coat because you knew you could fuel that with alcohol. They didn't give a fuck. Let's say you got paid 100 bucks, you gave the bartender 10 bucks. You drank all fucking night on that 10 bucks. Fuck.

It's fucking hard. I love when people, like, whenever I get to go with you somewhere or just go to the green room, They always think it's still like that. And it's like, it couldn't be more opposite of that now. It's just crazy to hear those stories because I've never once seen you go anywhere about the hotel after a show. Yeah, but I've never, even when in those days, I never partied in the green room.

Well, I'm not saying you partied in the green room, but it's... There was no, there was, I didn't do a line until after I got off that second fucking show. Okay. When I got off that second show, soon as I got off stage, there was no talking to people. There was no pictures. There was no goodbye. There was no nothing. I went straight to the condo,

and I had my plan already laid out. I already had the Coke laid out, the alcohol. I was a professional. I did that of shit in the afternoon. All that shit was in my hotel room in the afternoon. You have it all set up for you? The one I drove crazy was Joe Rodin, because I'd disappear.

He knew for years. When Joe Rogan get off the stage, the first thing he said, Arries, where's Joe Diaz? He left. Fuck! That motherfucker left. You know?

I didn't think of anything else. There was a time period where I didn't think of nothing but party. I remember one on the road with that girl, Jody Furty, for six weeks, but we did three weeks of triple runs. We fucking drank hard. Fuck. Every night, you drink hard with Jody. I'm talking about a bottle of Tuwaka and a case of beer.

That's hard with a couple bumps, a joint or two, four or five packs of cigarettes. Oh, yeah. Every night? Every night we'd sleep Saturday night. We'd party, and we'd take the first night off of, like, Tuesday night, the first night of the Tribal Run went El Paso. In El Paso, you went to El Paso to do one thing.

When you went to El Paso, Texas in those days, it was to do one thing. What's that? Snort blow and get your pole smoked. And eat Arbys and eat the, what were the day. And that was a Tuesday through Sunday gig, V. You left Monday morning. No, there were some rough gigs. Miami.

there was some towns that you went to when you knew you were going to party fucking hard. You know you used to have a good club, they're still there but they're very clean now, Myrtle Beach. When I went to Myrtle Beach, it was fucking on. It was six days of fucking constant

drinking. The club didn't pay you a lot of money, but they had all these deals in Myrtle Beach. So if you sat down for two hours and got an earbeat and they give you $300. Oh, one of those things, yeah. So we do two of those. Fuck, I'll take it in here for 300. I'll let you fucking give me an ear beating about whatever fuck you want.

Do a credit up on me. You ain't getting nowhere. So, by Astero Vista. I thought about doing that for those $99 flights to Hawaii. What do you have to do? It's like a timeshare thing. And apparently they get really mean. Like, if you start saying no, they'll go to your wife and be like,

how are you with this loser of a guy? But apparently at the end of it, it's like $99 flights to Hawaii. So that'd be amazing. So you have to take an ear beating for how long? I don't know how long. It's probably around the same thing. And it's time share in Hawaii. Yeah, that's what I heard.

Whoa. That's what it is. You think I ever get in the time, shit, believe it? Hell no. Fuck that shit, sharing your fucking places and some filthy fucking animals. They got lice and shit up there. What's up, dog? What's up, food?

You're doing commercials and shit. You're a big shit. I mean, two commercials, man. Un-Buwen fit. Un-Bent fit, for you. I also did a Target commercial. Oh, cool. I did a target commercial with Laura Lapkes.

From... Your Uncle Joey. When you're talking about that chubby girl and that Hot chick, is that how you came up with a joke? Sometimes you got to go to heaven You got to go to hell Before you go to heaven I'm out of here fucking the hot one

And I'm looking at the side of her at her Van Gogh Something I remember I wrote a bit about that I wrote a fuck-up thing The other one looked like The other one like Van Gogh was a bad nose Because they were doing coke like that Because yeah it was fucking horrible

It was a hard I couldn't I couldn't get a hard dick That doesn't sound hard oh yeah I guess that's horrible Houston man is a place to party too Houston Austin I used to get fucked up in Austin Yeah But I used to get some good

Coke. In Houston, by the time I got to the hotel, the phone will bring it at the hotel. Because the manager of the club sold it. Really? He called me and go, it's ready for you when you get to the club. You had a relief. You had a set. And that's tremendous when a manager sold it to you because you'd have to search. You had, no. And you had until Saturday to pay him on. So you kept cash all week. He knew your check was coming from.

So as soon as you got your check, you said to it, you tell you. you only give me cash and you'd pay him on the way out of town. Tremendous. But I used to get fucked up in Houston. Oh my God. Houston, I used to call the guy at four and I'd stand outside in the street and he'd bring it to me. Fucking tremendous.

Oh, that's right. You went crazy in Houston. What happened? You went crazy. I went crazy in Houston, man. Like I was already like a party out of him when in 2004, 2005. I fell off the wagon and then, um, I ran out of stuff.

So I called him Joe Diaz And I hooked up with some Little-ass Mexican foolman At a hotel room And then after that, me and I'm some cowboy comedian With Bad Feet Jenkins, I don't know his name of him He's still out there.

No, the one that got married to the girl from the last time. Rachel. Yeah, the dude, I forgot his name. Him and I meant. Billy Wayne. Billy Wayne. Yeah, I kidnapped that fool for like Eight hours.

You didn't have to kidnap him. That motherfucker was down, don't know. Yeah, he ordered two people to the hotel. We were going to party, bro. When he started snorting dogs, you got down. I remember we did a 10-hour drive to Midland, Texas. He snorted the whole way, listening to Tupac. We don't care.

He's a country, dude. We were snorting to Midland, listening to Tupac. He picked me up. That's a 10-hour drive from Houston, Texas to Midland. He picked me up in the middle of the night, like 11 o'clock. And I'm like, what are we doing? You want me to drive? He's like, fuck, no, I got everything ready, man.

His eyeballs were fucking gigantic. And he's like, man, I got like an eight ball on a couple grams spare, let's just do it. We snorted the whole fucking way to Midland. Because we got there to do radio, so we had the whole day to sleep. So we fucking drove 10 hours straight. We stopped twice to fill up the tank.

We were gigged up until they get goggles. So you went from, hey, drivers hit our words to do that gig in Midland to hook up with more shit. shit with Jenkins? Was it the Jenkins gig? Yes. That was the place where the DEA

would raid the place while you were on stage. It was fucking, listen, that Jenkins guy got arrested for when you get married to two people at the same time. Peligamy. Peligamy. So he had a wife in San Antonio.

And he had a wife in Midland, Texas. That's always crazy if we'll do that. This guy was crazy. He said he was a magician. He was fucking horrendous. He was. horrendous at every level. He was a nice guy, but as soon as you got there,

I had never seen this. This is the first time this ever happened to me, ladies and gentlemen. Midland, Texas. You get there, you check in, he calls you. It's going to be a great room. You're going to love it. You get there, and when you get to the green room, he would come up to you and put an eight ball right in your hand.

And he would have one, you would have one, and the feature would have one. So, do you know that the first night he did his eight ball before the show ended? Two shows ended. That's fast. On stage. Who?

Blastin. Blasting in the green room. He did it. He came back to me. He got you drove with? No, Jenkins. Oh, Jenkins. He came back to the green room and said, can I get half of what I gave you?

Damn. Even I didn't do that much. He was on stage doing everybody's material. And his jaw was fucking going. His jaw was going. And the bar was on by a Mexican dude with big hats and cowboy boots and shields. Pointing tails. Oh, my God.

It was fucking. on. It was on. And they paid me. I think it was $800, the headline, and what's his name, got four, the feature. But every night you got there, and that was the deal. You got an eight ball every fucking night. So Friday and Saturday gave you a fucking eight ball. And it wasn't really that good,

but nobody really gives you an eight ball anymore. So at least he took care of you, you know what I'm saying? Me too, like, when I went to do the show in Odessa, that's like the next door to Midland. Oh, shit, yeah. I kid you not, like, I don't know what, I forgot like it paid like rum. Maybe he paid for your flight. So he gave you

at the end of the week, 1500 or 1,200. Man, I kid you. Every night there was like 12 people there, nine people, Friday night big show, 12 people. And the owners in the back just laughing, enjoying the show. You know, some places, you know, people are scared because it's empty, you know, the place is empty. I'm losing money.

You only having a good time. At the end of the week, he just pays me in all 20s. And then later on, everybody, I find out a year later that everybody that was involved in that club went to prison. Including what's his name? Tom Fred Roch. Oh, that was the owner who invited me who come here in my hotel room and invited me to a dog fight. Where's Selena from?

Selina from Corpus Christi. That was a party there too hardcore, man. That was a room that was run by the cartel. The Mexican cartel? Where Jerry Roaches from. That's where they are. Where's Jerry Rocha from? I don't know.

I think Corpus Christi. No, he's from the town down. He's from... Macallel? No, border. Yes, around borders. Where they shoot people, people go disappearing and shit. Probably McCallon, Texas.

Corpus Christi. Malin and I, Malin Martinez, God bless her soul. And I did a gig that was beautiful. It was a Joy Medina friend gig. And it was two floors. People sat on top. It was like an old... Where people go to get ice cream.

And they sit in chairs. What do you call those places in the 50s? Ice cream, probably? like an ice cream. Oh, so does it. And the guys built a second floor to it, so it was like a stage. It was fucking beautiful.

But that place was, the owners were jazzed up. But that Saturday, I think it was Thursday through Saturday, that Saturday the owners gave me and Maryland some of the best cocaine I ever did in my life. It was a yellow, yellow chunk sour. This had to be 98, 99, maybe 2000, when I first started dating Terry.

But the craziest gig of the mall the last 10 years was the one in Iowa. Oh, that's Whitey's Bar and Grill? What's the name of the kid with the fucking crazy place in Iowa? Duquence, Iowa or something. You know the Mexican kid that picks you up

is 5 million owns the only Mexican restaurant in that neighborhood. I don't know. It's two planes. You have to fly into Chicago. Then take a small plane to the outskirts of Illinois. And he picks you up and drives you across the border to Indiana. Now, where he's from.

That's a Mikeo. Mikeo? No, no, no, no, that's not a Mikey. Alex Ortiz? It's an, yes, it's one of his buddies. So the guy. Joy Villa Gomez? No, the guy used to do comedy once.

What name to fucking tell you? You're like Sammy de Bugavano while dropping all these names. Fucking, they fly you in and right at the airport. The guy pays you? That's the dude you said I wanted to bring me over. and they pay you in cash, Felipe. You call me up in the middle of the night, bro, Felipe, got the guy right here.

They fucking pay you in cash, bro. He shut up in Vegas. They love you, but they got Mexicans over here. Oh, my God. It's a taco place and a white neighbor, and they've been there for 2,000 years. Like, it's like third generation in Mexican or some shit. And they have two places, but they do

comedy in one place. They're not consul of love. No, it's him and his brother. And they had a bar. You land in Chicago, then you take another flight to the outskirts of Illinois, and they bring you across the border. But when he was pumping gas, he goes, you know what we're known for.

This is the meth capital. Oh, fuck. Okay, so we start talking, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, listen, I'll have an envelope for you later. He gives me cash. He gives me weed. And he goes, when you get to the thing, there'll be the blow for you. I'm good.

I'm good. I don't do it no more. He goes, oh, no, no, I heard that. I go, yeah, I did. But no, I stopped about a year ago. I just stopped or something. Now there's only two flights out of there on a Sunday, and I had like a huge audition Monday.

There's two flights out of there Sunday. So I'm sweating this already. This flight's at 5.58 in the morning. It's one of those little fucking jets. Two propellers? Two propellers. And if not, you've got to wait until like fucking 10 o'clock that night. So I tell him this.

I go, listen, bro, you know. And he was, oh, yeah, yeah. We get to the fucking bar. And the first show was cool. It was a regular show. But after the parents leave, it was a line to go to the bathroom to do blow. I hadn't seen something like that since I was a kid.

Since I was like 82, when cocaine was very prevalent, it was out there and you go to bars, and it's like you stepped into a fucking twilight zone. Everybody's jaw was going. Everybody was drooling, smoking cigarettes. Their noses were leaking. Everybody's going in and out of fucking bathroom. Last night.

People are hugging. it's just too fucking surreal. Hell yeah. This place turned into that for the second show. Lee, in such a way that I was on stage and I could see people's jaws going. I could see drinks that were half full. Chef Dunham with no puppets.

When you see people with drinks that are half full, that's how you know there's blow and shit around. And you were just to look at urine and sobriety? Yeah, and I'm looking. I'm not calling it sobriety. I'm calling not doing blow. I'm still smoking weed with eight hands. That's true. And I'm looking around. I'm not being hypocritical, but I hadn't seen that in such a long time.

And when I got upstairs, they're like, hey, man, let's part. And people were grabbing me and giving me ferocious fear beatings. And finally, I told the owner, I go, hey, man, because he started partying. I go, dog, make sure you're there. And I'm going, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be there. That motherfucker showed up late. He did 100 all the way the fucking airport and got me. They barely let me onto the plane.

I tormented that guy. He kept calling me for like two years. I want you to come back. Fuck you. That was the land of the fucking surreal, my friend. That was heavy duty, man. I couldn't handle that shit ever again like that. That was too real.

Too fucking real. Felipe, drop it on me, Cucksucker. You're a deaf mute. Did she but you hit you already? Kind of a little bit, man. What were you on before that? What were you smoking before that? What's the lighter?

What's in the green thing with the... Oh, it's an empty lighter. It needs to refill one of those little cartridges. Okay, well. Okay, and what's the lighter? What's the green thing on the lighter for? The lighter is for when you pack the bowl. You just stack it like this with this.

Very nice. Somebody gave it to me. Oh, very nice. How are you feeling, fucko? I'm really fucked up. You really feel? No, you're not fucked up. You had 10 milligrams.

No, I didn't. I had like 30 milligrams. No. I was nothing. You know, the Chinese guy now with a little hat. Oh, God, yeah. He's a fucking tail with stars on it. He could whip you with it and shit like that.

What else been going on? What are you hearing? I'm getting married December 13. You don't, you know what? I think I may be available. Where's the wedding here? And Eagle Rock. And where's the reception?

Eagle Rock, same spot. As soon as we get married, you're going to open up the chairs. The same spot turns into the reception hall. Is it vegan? Vegan and non-vegan. What's the non-vegan menu? Pasta with sausages and meatballs, garlic bread, salad.

Now, don't get me wrong. And the wedding cake's going to be vegan. Oh, Jesus Christ. He's not going now. What's the Mexican food, dog? I want to eat Mexican food every day. No, your mom ain't making something special? No, she ain't making nothing.

You're not going to get something cater for the fucking non-s spaghetti-eating motherfuckers? Maybe I want to eat, but I'm going to a Mexican wedding, dog. It overpowers the white side. You got to have something for the fucking Spaniards, though. You can't do this to me. Something. I don't want to eat spaghetti. We'll put a taco truck right outside.

No, no taco. Somebody makes some sauce, some red sauce with some beef and some Mexican rice and some of... I want brought you today. vegan carnitas today. Lisa made a big batch of jackfruit tacos. It took it three hours to do it, man, and it spiced it up.

It tastes like Alpastor. It's pretty good. And what does it make of tofu? No, jackfruit. Jackfruit. Jackfruit. Yeah. What's jack fruit? Jackfruit is this fruit that only grows in China. It comes in a can. It costs $3. It looks like an artichoke.

you're going to break it up like weed and mash that motherfucker up and take all the water out and then add spices and it starts looking like pork and the same texture as pork you know the way pork tastes like without no flavor without just salty so you add flavors to it and you marinate it you soak the water out again it's a long process and then you refri it again and you deep fried it and man it tastes very good it tastes like carnitas if you forgot what carnitas is like it tastes good. I'm going to ring you one, man. When are you going to snap out of this fucking shit?

I love you like a brother. We're going to snap out of this. I like my shit to come up smooth, bro, like dairy. What's smooth? What fucking smooth? You know. So you got to have a little red sauce and some rice. We do have rice sauce. We do have rice.

Some platters and some tomatoes. Well, not tamales, but tortillas. And a little salsa maybe, some spicy. I'm not asking you to spend 10 gs. I'm asking you to go to. What's that place? They sell the margaritas at on Western. El Cholo.

Oh, Cholo. They cater all the time. Tell me what a little sauce, a little rice, a little beef dish. It's all right. Some people don't eat spaghetti. I think we are going to have empanadas for desserts, for our dourbes. Empanadas.

If you guys only listen to the show, I need you to go to YouTube and watch this show right now because your face looks like he kicked all of your cats in the face. I got stabbed them. And they're going to have a... We're going to have a section... People are going to shoot themselves. With lemonade and a punch, coffee, and a bunch of cookies, you know, a bunch of cookies,

black and white cookies, you know, you're from New York. Listen, just... And, please. Viscoti. Please, have some green chili enchilars for some people. Just got one tray. I eat that shit all the time, man. It's not what you're going to eat.

not what you're going to eat. It's not about you. You're inviting your friends into your life and your culture. What the fuck? You're not going to have no marriacies either? They won't go. There's no fucking vegans. They're vegans. You got to have a little green chili burritos with some carne. Nothing

expensive. I'm not talking about fucking shrimp cocktails a la fuck it, you know, with the fucking sauce. You don't eat that either no more? What? A nice shrimp cocktail from hell. No, shrimp is meat. It's a fish. I don't eat. I eat animals.

How do you give up all that great Mexican food? Like all those stuff, Paul's mom's man. She made me tacos Dorado like a few weeks ago. I mean, I still eat that. You know, like I eat tacos Dorado, but they're made out of potato. You know, I had that when I was a kid anyways. And I don't eat, as far as Cerviche, you know, that stuff. I still eat Cervice, but it's made out of coconut.

I mean, it's not a coconut like from a coconut you buy. It's a young coconut It's like fresh It's smooth It feels like And then you break it up Listen nothing replaces shrimp On a servici

Nothing nothing Nothing Maybe lobster from fucking The Northeast or something Vegan saviche is pretty good Oh God almighty Felipe It tastes good Just do me a favor

Please don't insult me I'm gonna go to this wedding You can't have spaghetti You can't have spaghetti You know what it is I don't know there's Sausages somewhere. Listen, forget all that shit.

Michael Corleone hasn't got married in 30 years. All right. Even when I did the bread, I did a low-rent wedding. I had Cornias. I had Katnitas from the Cuban place.

I had pastrami from Langu's. I had something for everybody. I had something else. We ordered something else. You got to have something for everybody. But you got vegan that doesn't fly at a wedding. Oh, it'll be buffet too, so.

Oh, well, whoopty fucking do it. I had spaghetti to like, I got to have something crazy. It's going to be like shaky So you can eat buffet Shit, that's right Some of really some fucking mojos, bro Please, please, just go

Tell Lisa you just add it You just add an El Cholo to your fucking wedding list, okay? I'll tell you, I'll feel we could do it. Green cheese enchiladas with some white, with some Mexican rice And some tomatoes And some tortillas.

That's it. I don't want you to go overboard. I'm not asking you for some shrimp. Some tamales, maybe? Not even. That's how white I am because those things are expensive, but not a bad idea, because you can beacon them up,

and you can put pineapple in them and fruit, but you could also have red ones and green ones. Not a bad idea. Forget the enchiladas, hit a couple tamales, two dozen apiece. What do they cost you? 50 cents a piece, Felipe? Jesus Christ, and some Spanish rice,

I'd be so fucking happy. I feel like I went to a cultural thing. I don't want to go to a Mexican wedding and eat fucking spaghetti, dog. It insults my fucking inner bean. I have to scratch up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, bro. Do one of those two Here you go

A little something to break out I really have Like a hole in my fucking heart right now In this conversation I want to be around To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks Your heart

That's it, keep playing You fuck I'm gonna get the full patuade with this comment I'm gonna get filled up again Oh my God How do people do do this something. I don't ask for much. Every time Philippe it comes, it's

something amazing happens. The black lady knocking on the door. No, it's a vegan. I can't sleep tonight. I'm going to take three sleep on toast. Has to be with me. Oh, my God. I've got to become a wedding player.

People are missing the fucking boat. Oh, man. They're expensive, man. I won't even want to be expensive. That's a TV show, right? there. I'd just rather not have people embarrassed themselves. If I go to your wedding and there's not a stitch of Mexican food, I would be so fucking upset.

I would be so upset like my heart would ache. I would sit there and I would look at it and Terry would be embarrassed. She'd say, because my wife don't understand it either. She'd look at me and say, what are you talking about? Felipe's your friend. He has no Mexican food here. You don't understand what that means to man. I need something.

A little piece of something to represent. I need somebody to shoot a gun. You know, I need a Mexican. bottle of tapatia, bro. You can put that in a pasta. No, I don't want no fucking tapatias, dog. God damn it. Why are you doing me like this?

I thought you're going to leave that vegan shit alone on the day of your wedding. God, damn it. People don't believe it, but I tell them I'm vegan. They tell me, you're vegan, bro. You're fucking fat. What do you eat crops? Oreos, man.

They're not vegan. They're not Oreos. What kind of oils? Oreos. Oreos. Oreo cookies? Those are the best. Well, put those of things.

the wedding too. Throwing on. They'll be at the cookie section right next to the black and whites. Christ, Felipe. You can't do this to me. No Pandoul said nothing, bro. No, you got to have all that something.

Your family's going? Yeah. My mom's going. And you're going to feed them fucking spaghetti? Are you fucking serious? When does this shit end? Give him Trace's cake. That would be good for all the non-vegan people.

Come on, Felipe. You got a month to change this menu. The wedding cake is going to be bombed, man. You're like it. Listen. I'm going to diet that. week. I just want to eat back. The top layer, the cake, zucchini cake.

Oh, Jesus, fucking Christ. This is what I'm talking about. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Tomato is spice cake. Oh, I'm so embarrassed. All the cookies are vegan. Oh, so how am I going to eat Oreos? Huh?

Oh, I'm so embarrassed. My face turning right? I can't take it no more. He's killing me with this fucking wedding menu, Philippe. Come on. We're going to have a Justice River doing magic walking around. No, you're not. No, you're not.

I called up somebody to get a magician to walk around doing hand magic, and then Justin Rivera said, what do I do it? So he's been bugging me and Patrick DeGere for about a week. Where is Patrick DeGue? I don't know, man. You know, I hosted the Laughlin Comedy Festival. Did I tell you that? Yeah, you're telling me.

Tremend. It was crazy, bro. Some of the other comics I never heard of were hilarious. The winner was a guy named Dale Jones, bro. He was a cross between Jeremy Hutz and Greg Hahn. Put him together. Dale Jones. I know with Dale Jones in Boulder, Colorado.

He's from Hamburger Hill. Now, he's about 50. He went to Vietnam. He ain't no comedian. He was fucking going crazy in the movie. That ain't the way it is. This guy was going crazy on stage. I took him to see Hamburger Hill.

He kept bothering me for weeks. When Hamburger Hill comes out, This guy brought his medals in. He brought his fucking pictures in, him in the Marines, at the top of Hamburger Hill, and they made a movie. They didn't include him.

He went through the movies with me, and 10 minutes into the movie, this motherfucker went off at the movie theater. Fuck you. They had to call the cops. The cops asked me if I knew him. I don't know nobody. You understand?

He fucking arrest him. I saw him two days later at the work at the Dodge store. That was one of the crazy. craziest jobs I had. I used to work at Hollister, Chrysler, Plymouth, but they also owned a Dodge store. Colorado? Colorado. I was one of my second car salesman job. I snorted so much coke there. There was a guy who wouldn't take his coke home, he would hide it in the ceiling. And I would go early and go on the ceiling and take it out, take the coke out and put aspirin in it and put it back in the ceiling. Oh my God, I used to torment. And then they had the key.

to the soda machine. So the fucking soda man wouldn't take, he would take the change, but leave dollars. And I would steal the dollars and go eat breakfast with Georgie. Fucking unbelievable.

I ran that place a muck. You had adventures everywhere you went. Like, no one has adventures like this. George had two of the cars. Georgie was the lock guy. So he would take the cars and park him across the street and rent them out to strippers

at the bus stop for $30 a day and shit. Fucking tremendous. I got a piece of that action. And he said he couldn't, and people say they can't get And they couldn't find license plates. Whenever you're a dealer, you have dealer license plates. Georgia used to steal them and put them on all the bitches' cars.

The bitches would be driving their cars with the dealer plates on them and shit. Fucking tremendous, dog. There was a bank robber who worked there, an ex-bank robber. He did 30 years, came out of Jay. It was like 60 when he worked there. That was the most unique, eclectic set of people I had ever seen all my life for the family. I fucking enjoyed it.

What are you going to do? How are you doing, Lee, all right? I'm doing good. I ain't going to talk about the wedding no more because I'm back to being normal again because that shit took me down. I haven't been that down since, I don't know. Since what's the name's that?

I can't have a pussy no more. About 15, 20 years ago. That's fucked up when a girl thinks he came. Good, so I'm going to get to our, I'll talk about our wedding rings. Well, they're made of celery? Are they vegan? No, actually, they're made of

stainless steel and the diamonds don't come from the Africa where people get killed Where they come from? They come from Jersey No, it was just a regular ring You know, nothing big

I don't want no big ass ring You know, there was some big old Big old earthquake ring Now did you do the paperwork on the diamond Doing that tomorrow To make sure no black people died Nobody got Ebola Nobody got a bowler

digging up this fucking diamond and shit What the fuck you're laughing? about Lee? It's the truth. They're dying. I don't think there's a good health care in the diamond mines of Africa. People are dying for this glass right here for the fucking phone. Yeah, but I can't

change my phone. You don't give a fuck anyway. If they told you that to make your iPhone 10 Chinese people died, would you still fucking talk on the phone? You wouldn't give a fuck about 10 dead Chinese people? We all wouldn't. That's how selfish we are. We never think of something like that.

We don't care. Where's the iPhone factory? where people jump off the building. Yeah. Like Fox come. Yeah, they have to put nets because so many people did it. That's fucking craziness. Do what?

That's my, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you so many edibles to one day you eat an edible and jump out the window. Like the priest in the exorcist. When I went. I still got it on a Monday night. When I went to D.C. last week, I went to go visit those stairs. As a matter of fact, the stairs where the priest jumped off in the actions.

Get the fuck out of it. I was there. bro. Come on. See? What the fucking photo? What do you think you're dealing with here? Some novice. I didn't know that and I just dropped that like. Yeah, man. It was, um, 2,900 Prospect Avenue in Georgetown. Is the building still there? The house is still there? The house is not there.

The stairs is where the priest jumped off. Jumped out of the window and the cop too. The cop was out of there and the fucking, did you see that movie yet? That's just, yeah. They're like 72 stairs. A year ago when I first started dating, Paul. They're like 72 stairs there and it was crazy, but I walked up.

I got one more edible left for me. No, you don't. Here it is. Look. Stay away from me. Got it right there, player. Oh, shit. Did they clean the blood up?

Yeah. Oh, my God. You walked up the stairs? There is. Prospect Street. Oh, shit. Look at Felipe. Fucking tourist.

He's going to take birth crisis jobs soon. What? What? No. Oh, shit. You know who I came to my show, man? A lot of people from Manabello. From Wild Coyote.

A lot of those bikers show. They showed up, you know, the bikers, they showed up, beat, bro. They're all like in their 40s, late 40s now. Son's anarchy, the Mayans? No, the Mongols. The Mongols. Yeah, they showed up. Instead of the Mayans, the Mongols show them.

Stop it. Stop it, bro. Lee was going to be a bike, but his fucking wheels fell off, so that was the end of that fucking thing. What's up, Lee? Look at you, your little Yamika representing Israel in the house. What's going on in Israel this week? What's going on in the weekend? Nothing good.

Who's throwing rocks, bro? Rocks. Everybody. Oh, you fucking people. I love it. How you feeling, Lee? What's on the agenda this week? What's his wedding?

Lee's got to go to a fucking... Tell him what wedding you're going on. I have a wedding in Vermont this weekend. Tell him what fucking Harvey Homo signed up. I told him he would have done cheaper. He would have sent 300 in the mail and said, I love you, but I'm busy. Is it a vegan wedding? No, not a lot.

No, you're the only one who does those and shit. Stop it. But they're having it on a Sunday, so maybe that equals vegan. So, yeah, it'll be fun. I mean, I've never been in a wedding before. Fucking fun. I don't know. I just found out I have to miss a fucking Tom Brady-Paid Manning game next Sunday

because of the wedding. That's, that's good. Where are they playing that? New England. Oh, shit. Yeah. What time is the game, man? Four o'clock.

What time is the wedding? Probably the same thing. See, they fuck every. They didn't check the schedule. No. See? Well, they don't like football. You fucked up completely, though.

I'm all right. Send the nickel next time. Next time, I will. Send the nickel. You condolences to send the yarm. What's up, dog? Tell me something good. What's up, fool?

I can't call it no more. Oh, you're over there fucking bringing me down. Bring me up, you fuck. Tell me something good. What's happening? I'm going to be in Fort Myers, bro. Fort Myers, what? Fort Myers, Florida at the After Hook Comedy Club.

Come on. Next month of November. Come on. And then Pleasanton Tommy Tees. I'm bringing Armando Coceo. Oh, shit. What about New Year's? New Year Z, bro.

I'm going to be over there with the Savages over there in fucking Reno, Nevada with your boy, Wayne Wright. Come on. What's the name of the club? The underground? The underground comedy club. That's you're going to be for New Year's Eve?

I'm going to be there for New Year's Eve. Wednesday night? Wednesday night. Two shows? Two shows. Halloween, bro. I'll be walking around West Hollywood on Shrooms. Nah, I'm just kidding.

I wish. No. That's where I'll be, though. West Hollywood. Vegan? Your shrooms aren't vegan? Shrooms are vegan, bro. So what's the problem?

Pops and Shroomish? Ask Arr. I don't know, man. Who's got him, bro? Ari. Ari? Ari? Ari?

All right? You're not going to go see Ari for the taping of a special at the comedy store? When is it? Wednesday night. We're going to be at the ice house. We should go check out Ari. He's got chocolate or mushrooms and a vegan. You eat fucking chocolate.

It's all over. He only gave me a little piece. Yeah, but he gave it to me without me knowing what it was. He's like, here, eat this. How did you feel? It was actually pretty nice because he didn't give me enough to get like. Anything happened? No.

I felt it felt like a light high, but it was so fun. He didn't see the devil because I didn't want to take him that. Not that. Not that. You didn't see me. Not that. No. So then.

Your New Year's with Wayne. That's good, man. So New Year's Eve, I'm there. I'm going to be in Pleasanton, Tommy T's. Off the Hook Comedy Club. It was Fort Myers in November. November. How many planes you got to take to get down there?

Oh, man, I probably got to fly to Miami and then Fort Myers. Okay, I know it's like two planes, but it's a good club, I heard. It's a good club. So many clubs are opening up, you know. What else is opening up? A new club. A new club over there. Jim Belushi opened up a club in Fort Myers, too.

Come on. It's called Belushi's. And he has a lot of SNL stuff inside the club. That's another club, and there's another guy named Rick Branson. I don't know. You know him? Arizona. He'll be in Arizona, yeah.

He's got a great club in Minneapolis, the Mall of Minneapolis. I never done that. I've been wanting to go to. I never been to the Midwest, Joey. You work Toledo? No. I never were Toledo. What about, have you worked, you don't work Arizona for nobody?

Yeah, we're 10 p.m. Probably, every year. Okay, right then you can't work Rick Bronson. You're good. Yeah. You're good to go. Where are you going to work at the next couple weeks, Lisa? We have the live podcast next week.

Yeah, this week, Wednesday. Two days before fucking Halloween, and you don't know next week. I'm so high. No, it's kind of interesting. You brought that up. I was watching a show today, and it was Anthony Bourdain. He was talking to this economist, and he was like, there's 7 billion people now. There's not that many jobs.

Like, we don't have that need for people. And, like, you were talking about how comedy used to start on a Tuesday, and now it's kind of like adapted to like this. Like, what do you do you? do you think about like in the future how what company's going to look like maybe you won't travel maybe you'll just do live streams in the cities like from here like i was just thinking like how it like evolves to fit the needs i'll do a pay per view bro that'd be fun we'll do live camera with a live audience and they have people just pay five bucks and then to stream it live like

stream it live but get a real big sponsor to pay for it all and then you get your cut i think um um they did it like that at a concert for that Coachella show okay one of those gum places they bought the whole show and they aired it live from the internet on YouTube and they got to see the whole concert the only the only issue is is now you go on the

week every you go on the road every week to different cities if you did a TV like an online pay-per-view thing everyone would watch it at once yeah that's it so you couldn't do it every week we have to come up with a new material every week to make it interesting well if you're a

of somebody, you know, for three bucks. If I could see Lee Syatt do Toledo and then Lee Syatt do Minneapolis for three bucks, why not? Tape it for three bucks, come home later that night, put it on and laugh a little bit. It's three bucks. It's three bucks.

A special cost, you whatever. You know, when I travel, I see the same people over. They hear some of the same jokes over. They're not going to fucking go crazy. Turn that thing off, please. They're not going to fucking go crazy or nothing. It's the, you've got to sell them to, sizzle with stand-up.

They could see stand-up on a million fucking channels now, Felipe. People could see anything. I remember on Monday night football was huge. I remember when you saved money, when you had to make a choice between going on on Sunday or going on on fucking Monday. You had to make a choice. Like,

I'm going to put away 40 bucks, plus maybe somebody will split a gram of coke with me, 20 bucks to drink. You know, Monday night football was huge. God forbid, somebody placed gave food away. We used to go to the ground round. They used to give out meat and a little grilled cheese sandwich. That's where you went.

And you had cocktails. What happened on Monday night football? It's dead. Tuesday nights. If you have a bar today, what is your line up at a bar? Let's say Felipe, five years from now, moves to Pleasanton, California, buys rooster tea feathers. You've got a business that you pay a lease on seven days a week.

Do you, as an economist, as a business owner, what do you do? Do you just open up Thursday, Friday, Saturday? So four nights a week to play stay shut. What are you doing this economy? You're going to pay for the place anyway. If you turn the lights on, it's going to be a fraction of the cost anyway. So you open up. You open up Sunday and you make something for the people.

Guess what? It's going to cost you $100 to put a tray of sandwiches out. But if that's what it takes to take people there, you know, I go to these hotels every week, and these hotels are giving you more and more. I went to Baltimore. I stayed at a hotel that they give you $400. dollars a night. There was no coffee machine

in my room. There was no coffee in the lobby till six. Both nights, the fucking wake-up call was wrong. You know, so why am I paying for it? Last week I went to a Best Western, I thought I was the Prince of fucking Dubai. Eggs, oatmeal, waffles, apples,

apples, oranges, fruit, white bread, ride bread, English muffin, coffees, 24 hours, fresh coffee, a coffee maker in your room, a gym that wasn't bad, a heated pool, a pool outside. You know, wake-up call, a business office, or three different terminals that you don't have to pay for.

So when I'm flying with my family, I know that I can wake up and have breakfast already taken care of. You know what a breakfast cost of family, a three, to go on vacation? 50, 60 bucks? A lot. Yeah. I just save 60 bucks. Guess what?

People are going to go there. People are going to get attracted to those hotels. They give you a little something. Well, the same thing has to happen now. The podcast, the last two months, I've gotten contacted by three, different people to charge money for the podcast. Why would I do something like that? Why would I change

the rules? Why would I go home and take my ball at now? I want to give this away. I want people to listen to it. Do you understand me? You know? Yeah, people, oh, well, you could sell it for $7 a month and get 100,000 subscribers and get $70,000 a month. You know what? I want people to come

to my show. I want people to listen to what's in my heart and what's in my mind, what's in Lee's heart in his mind, and what's in your fucking heart. Don't tell me about menus. T8C at the moment. You know, no, and that's the thing. That's the fucking difference. I could charge with it.

I don't want to do that. You know, so there's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, Tuesday nights, it was okay, they got a microphone, some do with a bad wig who never had the balls to go to Broadway and sing, and you had karaoke night. How many, how many karaoke nights are that, that, that went done. So what are you doing a Tuesday night, Lee, in your bar? What do you do, Lee? Do you give away six beers for a dollar a bucket?

That's not going to make people come in. That's going to make fucking alcoholics come in and bust your balls. You have a comedy contest. No, you have to do something. You know, comedy contest works on a Wednesday night and, you know, $500 and the winner goes and does a set at Lee Syatt's house and tapes.

I will rent out the comedy club during a day for conventions and then you offer them free tickets for the night. You can't do comedy seven nights. a week. So you have to pray like tomorrow like game six. That's a big bar game. Thank you. The bars make money tomorrow. You ever show in the East Coast? Nobody watching it now. No, they're happy

that there's the World Series tomorrow. But what do you do? This is a tough fucking economy. There's a thousand fucking bars. There's a bar and every strip mall guys. So you're trying to get all these people. How many million? Seven billion? Seven billion people. You're trying to get a percentage of these people into your fucking bar. What do you

do, Lee? It's a fucking risky business. It is. It is, man. Because now think about it, man. Last week, I was at the Ice House, sold out six shows. No, I'm thinking. I was thinking the whole time. As a comedian, you know, you're happy, but you think bad. You think the worst.

Could I have done that if the Dodgers were in the World Series? At the Ice House, you know. Can I compete with the Dodgers? Can a comedy club in Los Angeles compete with Game 6? No. No way, right? No. If that's your comedy night, if you're premiering your comedy night.

You would have done good. You would have done good because not everybody has to, you know, you could tape games now. Yeah, you could tape games watching on Hulu. But you would have done great. I think you would have done good. I think there's a market for people who watch the Dodgers. You know, the Lakers are starting next week. That's it.

That changes the face of comedy in LA. I did it. Me and you and I, we got burnt by a thousand Laker games. Ha, ha, wow Coyotes. Thousand-Legger games. You're ready to go. You got a spot at 930. You got a spot at 10-15.

You got another spot 1145. You got another spot. Once you get to the first button, what's going on, dog? How come this show hasn't started? Dog, this is a motherfucker on the Laker game. It's the third quarter. You're like, God damn it,

I need this 50 fucking bucks. This is all part of the equation. Now you're late for this one. You're late for the other one. You're late for the other one. Now I've got to fucking follow this fucking jerk off. He's going to jump up and down, do the joke about the dog.

I don't need this shit in my fucking life. So that's what it would do. It would just ruin. The Lakers. will fuck your night up. Listen, man, people still want to watch them. I don't care how bad they are if the fucking point guard's out for the season.

These are diehard Laker fans. Same thing with the fucking Dodgers. People watch them. I remember being in Houston 10 years ago, when the Houston Rockets were in the playoffs, they were popular. I didn't give a fuck who was fucking

who was in town. You know, when the Dallas Cowboys play against the Giants and they're playing Dallas. If it's a 7 o'clock game, I don't give a fuck if you're Houdini and you're going to stab somebody in the pussy, they're not fucking coming to see you, Doug.

They're not coming to watch you. Not when the Dallas... Never mind Denver. Oh, if you got a game on a Sunday night. And Denver's on nationally televised Sunday night, you're in no danger. Sold out? Yeah, you're in no danger. You have four fucking people there with helmets on.

It's a fucking nightmare. No, no, no, no, no. It's amazing what you compete with. You know, in businesses and... I don't know how people do it. I don't know how people could run a bar. Do you get pissed off? Because my dad was in nightclays.

clubs for the one of the things he did and he would have like singles parties and any time it snowed or rained or there's something like that he would get pissed off like when you see the weather or do you see like when you're going to Baltimore the Orioles almost got in and I was like fuck I hope because like do you think like negatively about that like God that's going to kill my shows the Orioles being the playoffs and that wouldn't have helped me in Baltimore if Hannibal lex it was giving headcuts it wouldn't help me in fucking Baltimore this last week I had like mediocre shows it's a new club so if they moved it people will going to the old address, you know.

Oh, five. But it's a great club. I love it. What club was that? The joke factory. It moved. Somebody got blasted. Damn.

Somebody went to, what's the dude for Mad TV, the black kid? Ari Spears. Ari Spears. And after he threw somebody out, and the guy went outside and shot the doorman or a dorm man shot him, so that wasn't good for publicity for the club. So the club, you know, who wants a comedy club with somebody who's been shot at? So they just picked up and moved?

They just picked up. Well, you know, when you have a dead box? That body in your fucking doorway, you know, even if you're fucking creepy, you're like, you know, and it's time to go. Same thing happened at that club. We did weird oceans. Oh, my God. So they shot the security guard. Oh, my God.

I remember going there the night afterward, and there was candles right outside the fire. Oh, my God. What did you do? The candles? They shot the guy the night before. No, what did you do with them? I didn't do, no, I picked them up and read them. I didn't do nothing.

Lee, I just fucking walked past him and said. I can't believe I'm doing connolly the place where somebody got shot last night. They opened up the bar. And they were at the bar drinking shops. I was to the spirit of Raymond. I was there, man, when the owner fell off the wagon, bro. And you fucking just pouring everybody free drinks.

And they got fucked up, man. Oceans. That was Martin Moreno's room. You know what, Lassa? I'll never forget that one time I went in there and some girls started talking to me. You've been in movies, man? I'm like I get lucky from time to time

She just walked over Like I had like a 10 minutes set in the middle The show wasn't over And she told me that she had just gotten out of county jail And for 20 or 25 bucks She showed me a pussy It was fucking Did you show it to you?

Fuck no This chick was all tatted up And she was chunky and shit And her pussy probably smelled like a jail cell I don't want to smell that shit She's like for 25 bucks I'm just looking for a little piece, Papa, you know. She was like, I got an old man

so I can't fuck you. But I show it to you and let your finger me. Get the fuck out of you. That was oceans. That was fucking ocean. Oh, man. That was oceans. What happened to me at Tortillas?

I was there, dude. And then I saw some girl that I would see at Casa Latina. And she used to roll deep, you know, crazy J party animal. Then I haven't seen her for a long time. And I saw her at Tortillas. and I was drinking at the time and I saw her hey I remember you from back in the days

she goes yeah I remember you too she's too much of the bathroom she lifted up her skirt she said I just got out I just beat a murder rap I just want to party man so I was like fuck her pussy was hairy dog like bush and she was in line bro

when I started to bush that hairy I knew that she was locked up and she did beat a murder rap and murder was the case that they gave her her. Shit. Dude, we got crazy,

man, but you know, I didn't have no condom at the time. I just jerked off, you know, on the little Afro.

And then she just took off with a bunch of, like, she took off, bro, and I remember she was freaking in like five Cholos

after me. You know, she was going to get, she was on a mission, bro. She'd be the fucking murder rap. Don't hate on her.

What would you do, bro, if you beat a murder rap. Fuck you. You want to fuck everything that moves. Yeah. So does she. Listen, all he wants is a six-inch fucking subway

Coke combo right now. Look at them. Look at the hats, twist this. What are you thinking about? What are you going to eat right now tonight when you go home? Kanish. I don't know right now. Yeah, I could go for Kish.

He said, I'm not going to eat nothing because I just beat a plateau. Shut up. It's hard. It is hard. And then I have fucking edibles without much of them. So what are you going to eat tonight? What are you going to eat? I'm going to try to do nothing.

Cornitas. But what do you have? What do you have for emergency situation? I know you got those fucking rice baddies. I'd rather be a fucking ice-as-fucking. I'd rather be in an ISIS back game. They're not bad, like the camel ones are good. The camel ones?

Caramel. Caramel. No, caramel. I'd rather be in an ISIS isolation camp to eat those fucking rice cakes. What else you got? What else you got? I got granola bars. They're not bad. Yeah, pinionabler.

I do, yeah. Five slices. How many calories? 50. And how much bread? Two slices. How much cheese? And you put that cheddar cheese on it, you fucking filth up.

Light cheddar. How many calories? I think we figured it was like $2.50, $2.60. You called calories? I've been doing it, yeah. He's doing good. He lost how many pounds? 65.

60 fucking 5. Look him. Damn, bro. Look at him. He's a savage. Do you have that water? Please. You want another one, Joey?

A couple minutes. No, yeah. It's been going good, but when we have edibles, I want to go back to Jack in the Box and get 10 orders. Topos. How many minutes are you going to be epileptical today? An hour. An hour?

calories you're running. 800. Now, you're moving those feet. Now they're fucking flying, right? Yeah, not that bad. You're two feet of fucking moving like, I do like four and a half miles, I think it says, so it's not that fast.

You walk for and a half miles? The elliptical, so not really. What speed do you move at? The inclines 11 and the resistance is eight. So you, about how fast are you moving? Four and a half, and I took an hour was four and a half miles. No, I don't know.

It's fast. There's a speed on there. I don't look at the speed. I put my iPad over it. It says six or, Or 5.3 or 3.5. I don't know. Jesus Christ.

I put my iPad over and I watch movies. Wow. That's funny. You put your app and you watch movies and you walk? Yeah, I just do the little thrill. Because it's boring otherwise. And even music, like, you kind of like just start fading. So I watch stupid action movies.

Crazy. When I went to a dentist, I'm afraid of a dentist because I'm always painful. They always, like, jammed so hard. I can see the guy jamming. I don't want to see him. So this guy is like It's like a dentist for pussies, right? So they put a

headphone set on me and one of these visors so I could look at a movie. I had that in Boston. Yes, and I'm watching Netflix. And me like an idiot, I'm watching Walking Dead and the walkers eating somebody. They're drilling my mouth going, eh. I watched Man on Fire at the dentist in Boston.

Well, they were working in your mouth. You can see the movie, right? Yeah. Amazing. Not bad. He worked on your. throughout the home. Let's say he drills on you up to the part where they kidnap.

What do you go? I want to go home now? Fuck no, Doc. Keep drilling, bitch. Keep drilling, bitch. There's got to be a cavity. Put another tooth. Put it on the bill, cock sucker.

He's still got to go shoot a bunch of Mexicans. I've been bodyboarding, bro, at the beach. They're going to the beach twice a week. Do you still? Still, bro. All right. For real, man, I'm getting good, dog. So what do you do?

I got bodyboard. It's like surfing, but you lay on a body. You lay out of bodyboard. It's easy. You're like laying down on a bed, but you're catching waves. And how deep water is. Oh, man. It's like sometimes it's six feet.

But, dude, I got bit by a stingray, man. In Newport. Yeah, I got bit by a fucking stingray, man. He's interrogating you like he's like a cop and you're about to like explode with like the evidence you had. That's right. What are you doing? fucking body surfing by you're Mexican you should be in a bariachi bed

cucka everything you're saying is going to like a deeper level of anger you look too left and it'd be like something weird I got pictures but I got it bad no no no I don't want to see no pictures I just want you to break it in the yeah I need a water please I get through on 8 in the morning a yama ca fella

nice t-shirt bro thank you man oh my god you have a cool shirt on too to open that for your uncle Joe my fingers. You're so high. You can't open the water. My fingers,

you see, I got a band-aid on that cut. I'm sorry. You got a fucking paper cut. I'm talking to a lane. He goes, look at your finger. What happened? I was,

I was bleeding to death. I'm surprised I didn't faint. So talk to him with this body fucking surfing. Oh, man. I was a little thirsty. Hey, here's your part of this. The first time,

well, I've been going out there since, like, since May, trying to get good at it. And the first time I went out to Malibu. I don't know. There's different types of waves. There's dropping waves, and then there's curbing waves or regular waves. I fucking got lifted up on a wave that drops six feet, and I just fucking, like, when the wave dropped me, there was no more water under me.

The wave was behind me, and I got crushed, and my face was all bleeding and almost broke my neck. I survived. Is it like a boogie board? A boogie board, yeah. It's a bodyboard, yeah. Why did you take this fucking Google Switch? I haven't done it for like 20 years. Yeah, so I've been doing that lately.

And you go with no shirt on? I go with no shirt on. And I got cut in a rip, bro. A rip is when there's a wave. It's taking the people out in the ocean. And a lot of people drown. So I was caught into that shit, dude. I was fucking scared.

The water took me 100 yards. Oh, man. I swam sideways to the other side of the beach. And then I let the wave take me back. And then I saw a lifeguard. He told me, what the fuck you're doing over there, a fat boy? No, you just say what the fuck you're doing over there. Let me ask you something.

So you get a different surfboard and a bodyboard. It's different. Yeah, a boogie board is a, it's a model than a surfboard. You don't stand on it and you lay down on it. You hold on to it like this. You know, like your joke, a Cuban on a 2x4. All right, so you put the ankle bracelet on? To keep the boogie board on?

You have fines. Yeah. Okay, see, what were you laughing about the fucking fins? for. There's a bad ass fiss, bro. You're driving around Denver and Colorado

with fins. You never know when you need fucking fins. You never fucking know. You might see a river, bro. You might see a river, there's a diamond

down there, there's a 20 something. You got to dig out of body. How many days a week do you go down there? Twice a week? What days you go down there? It might go like

Tuesdays or Thursdays. I get up, get me and my Elisa Vianci, we go like 8 in the morning we get there and we're right bodyboarding

with a bunch of other people that we don't know them but there's surfers there pretty interesting oh but my getting back to the story on 4th of July it's the day that I'm there most of the day a lightning hits the ocean and five people get killed what yeah man now it's just on the other side

I don't know why I dropped that in there but it yeah no no no why do girls always want to do stuff early in the morning on the weekends because there's Paul that want to do some early in the morning on the weekend she used to we used to go out for breakfast every time But I got a coffee maker now so it can stay home. You got a coffee maker? Yeah.

And you make breakfast now? Yeah. You save it 20 to. I know. It's expensive. Five days a week for breakfast. What the fuck you think this is and shit? Yeah.

The food got to better. Fucking eggs and some salsa on those motherfuckers. The flying juice, bed and breakfast. Because let me taste them. That'd be nice. To me, I really enjoy. I like some nice eggs with some green onions. Little cheese.

I had a real egg for the first time. A real egg. In a while, because I've been on egg whites. But fucking, I had to have a real egg. You eat egg whites every day? I had to wear the yolk. No, I know. I eat your pie in the carton.

You're a fucking moot. It takes a lot of calories, man. My mom, our breakfast man, used to be like two eggs over easy. Oh, yeah. With ranchetto sauce. Like, tomatoes and jalapeno and onions cooked on the same pan. That's it, no. And pour it over the fried eggs with beans inside and rice and some fresh cheese.

I know beans. my favorite homemade flour tortillas. I don't know what you guys called, but my mom called it eggs in a basket. It's like toast with an egg in the middle. I saw that in a movie, bro. It's still magnolias. First time I saw that. The Italian woman, she did that with an egg and a bread,

and she put on mozzarella and spaghetti sauce over it. Was it good? I get the bro and just get the egg yolk. Yeah. Or you get the egg and you break the yolk and you can fry the egg up and then you put some cheese on it and a slice of tomato with some fucking butter or something. Googly-moog.

That's the way they used to do at the sunset grill. That's New Jersey style. The Cedar Row. Cut that motherfucker and a half of a Coke and a can for breakfast. What? There's nothing better than butter toast, like actual butter. So when it gets like when the butter really gets in there. When the butter gets in there, you put an egg yolk on that motherfucker and bite right through.

It's good at Denny's right now. You're at those communist acts? No, Paul's been telling me why I don't have it yet. You got this deep-fried some tortilla chips, to regular tortilla packs, you know, with oil, and then add the pato sauce. be el patos starts over it, then you're fucking scramble the egg in it with it. And then when it's cooking, bro, you throw in some cheese,

Monterey Jack, and you serve that motherfucker up. Her mom puts Torizo in it, I think. Yeah, oh shit. Oh, shit. Yeah, once the mother and you move up here, you're going to be walking from here to Beirut. Oh, yeah. Every fucking day, it's over.

It's curtains for it. You can't control that year. You'll be over there in the morning. You'll move them in. We're going to move them in. Why don't you just fucking move him in? You live with the mother, the cousin, the whole thing. I love the mother.

No. Say, look, you live here, just cook, wash my laundry, and keep the house fucking spotless and shit. My mom would kill me if I moved another person's mom in. What was she? You don't have to know. It's not her business. When she comes out, you put her in a hotel.

She can't go to your place because it's got fucking Ebola. You tell her what other fuck? You got to tell her, my nanny and their house burned down. So they're spending the night. You still go on acting class? Hell no. That's it. You're done?

Hell no, man. I was done, man. I was paid too much money. How much? That was that $300 $250 a month? Yeah. Yeah, that's too much money. Some guy called me,

Hey, man, I want to ask you something. There's an acting class, and they're looking for good people. I go, what night is it? You know, I like to go. And he goes, Tuesdays from 7 to 10. It's 260 a month. I go, what?

Yeah, that's what I was paying? What? What are you talking about 260 a month? That's a fucking car payment. For four classes? Four classes? Two 60 a month. Seven to 10.

You know what? I don't even have the 80. DD to sit there anymore to watch those scenes. I could maybe watch one or two scenes and get the fuck out of there. Whenever I went to like acting class down at Ivana Chubbix, I did one of the first top three scenes

I got the fuck out of it. You could stay. I would stay sometimes and watch because you learn from acting sometimes you learn as much as doing the scene than watching it sometimes you learn because you're like I know what this scene is and what he should be doing and what he shouldn't be doing but oh look what he just did. Oh shit

look what he just did. I didn't even see that coming. So that's how you learn how to fucking act sometimes. When people hit me up, I always tell them, go to a local place locally that teaches like an acting class. You'll learn so much. You really will. And if you're good at it, then you excel. Then people tell you where the fuck to go.

Write it wrong. They go to this place. They do a dance group and you can jump up and down and be Shakespeare. I never wanted to do Shakespeare. Why not? I don't know. To be or not to be. That is a question.

You got a fucking point. I was doing, I did two acting classes. Pat Bucco, my manager, hooked me up with another of my first acting coach, which I liked. It was in that much of 75 bucks for like two hours every time I met her. And she taught, I think she was like a Brad Pitt fan. But I got to memorize a lot of scenes with her, like true romance. No, no.

That scene in Tomlin-Louis, when Brad Pitt shows up, and he has sex with Angela Davis, I think that's her name. and that was a scene that I learned over and over it and I had to learn it and after a while I got good at it you know but their money got tied bro but now man I don't think I need an acting class anymore but acting classes are good man if you want to go if you're like an ugly guy and you want to hang out with hot chicks eh

there's a lot hot chicks bro in acting classes sometimes I feel like the acting coach throwing in the hot chicks in the classroom to entice guys like me to throw in another 300 for another month. It's not a bad idea. It's a hot chick, bro. They're so coming in for the acting class, and you're there, Mike.

You know, they're right? Van Chubbik had the blonde chick, and she had Holly Berry. We had two blonde chicks. We had a girl who was from Switzerland in my class and her friend who wanted to be a rapper. No, no, but Ivana Chubbick made her name by having, what's the chick who won the Oscar, the blonde,

the tall one that's dating? Sean Penna. she was in the Italian job I forget She just did a movie that I watched She'll Lee Ceron Therese Seron And then the next year

She had Holly Berry She always had Holly Berry And once they won the Oscar Every hot Chish Robert Wright? No no no Dorese Charon She just fucking said it

Felipe But god damn it She's not married Champagne is she She's hooked up With Champagne now Robin Wright's done Oh right cool there

Yeah she's with house of cards Yeah she's done She's available All right And she ain't gonna have No Italian food Of her fucking wedding All right, shit.

I'm like fucking, you're going to get some Mexican food for your Uncle Joey? What's the time, bro? Come on, bro. I'm just got a tray from Ochoa. I'm embarrassed me. I got to go there and sit next to Spanish people eating fucking vegan food and shit.

I'm getting upset all over again. I won't be able to sleep tonight, though. Don't be a non-vegan side? You'll be all right. No, no. Just going to... Huh? You're keeping them separated?

What? And that shit smells the fucking high heaven. You know that shit smells fucking bad, dog? Please, have some... Outcholo nice. Tamama. Is there? No, no, no.

Listen, no, listen, this is easy. No fajitas, because I know it'll be a by the way somewhere. To food. Just have a little thing that says El Cholo on it to make people at ease. There'll be cholos. Why don't I get so fucking upset at this shit? When you get married to this Mexican bro,

you better do the right thing, too, cuck, sucker. I will. I want some Jew food, some locks, some bagels, some bagels, some enchiladas, some enchiladas. That's a wedding, man. Should a riant? those? Yeah, yeah, go from one of those tonight myself. What do you think,

Lee? I'll go for it. No, you fucking can't. You got to get it together, cocksucker. Let me give some shout out to you. There's some beautiful people here, Felipe's in the house. You bad motherfuckers, you. All right, my main man, Matthew Bailey, Kenny Mincher, Chris Adamson, Bobby Crook,

Mike Stanley, Paul Speller, Renee Encasio Nome, my main man, and Brady Lynn. When are you gonna fucking call me? You want me to call you? What the fuck's going on here, people. All right. I don't even know what to talk about no more. It's not that I'm high.

It's just that I'm out of fucking words. You threw me a detour with this. What happened, bro? You fucked me up with this wedding, dog. You can't be talking to me about a Mexican getting married and having no Mexican to his wedding. I want you to represent your culture in some way,

and then you throw curveballs at me. Like, oh, I'm going to have this. That's not what I'm talking about. I don't give a fuck about the cookie section. I go to hit hard. I want some nice fucking chili, raleanos. Don't be some good food, man. How about some enchiladas with some nice green sauce on them?

I don't ask for much. I could be a buffet from a man. You know who's got a nice fucking cheap menu? Acapulco. I could eat those cheese enchiladas with some rice. You like Acapulco? On sunset, fucking tremendous. I don't know how many times that buffet fucking saved.

That buffet's good, man. That buffet's delicious at Acapulco. I used to hit that once a month. You ever hit that, Lee? No. Damn, is it still there? Yeah. The last time I went there

was after the Maryland funeral. Yeah. Really? Yeah, still there, man. It's really not bad? You would think a Mexican buffet wouldn't be that good. It's easy. It's plain. They have soup, right? They always give you a chicken soup. A chicken soup, yeah. A chicken soup. Then they have

cheese enchilada, some type of chicken, some type of beef. I usually get three or four cheese enchiladas. They got delicious Mexican rice. And you put the green chili sauce and the Mexican rice and dope it up some onions. They have a tray of onions. And then on the way out, they got a nice fucking dessert. You can't go wrong. I'm not kidding you. That's the first place I ate when I moved to Los Angeles.

Where? January 29th, 1997. I stopped that fucking right there, right on sunset. Aga-Bocca-Bocon. As we pulled off the 101. Funny, man, the place you told me that was really good, and I always tell people, man, if you like chicken to tacos that are made good, Los Tacos. Where? Los tacos right there on Santa Monica Boulevard.

We used to go after the economy store. The place was a water mineral juice. Yes. Oh my God. That place was good. Not anymore, right? Still there. It's still there.

Right next to 7-11. Yeah, yeah. I haven't been there in 10 years. Yeah, I've been there. We talked about it. It's still there. Still there. They used to have a chicken burrito with white meat in the middle with some rice.

And instead of baked beans, not baked beans, but instead of refried beans, I get the Black beans. Oh, fuck. With that green shit, the fucking colanthro. Yeah. some onions. What? With some sour cream and that motherfucker. Come on now. Yeah, man. Come on now.

This Mexican restaurant, Los tacos, they have a big old mural, and the mural is all the Last Supper, but the Last Supper characters are all Mexican actors. That they got mil masqueras, Jesus, and then some other motherfuckers and

something else. But that place is still there, man. And they got real, they give us all the cream as much as you want. We did that. But, If you get to that 2.30 in the morning, man, Los Tacos turns into Los Tacones. Oh, yeah. It's fucking crazy. With me's high heels.

It's all Mexican trannies there, man. Let me tell you something, man. A couple years ago, Nick Tatore called me and he says he's doing a movie, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he's a real funny Spanish guy. And I'm telling him out of the ban. I'm listening to Felipe's bars. I'm looking for this guy. I can't find him.

It's fucking Felipe as bars. I don't know. You know, I reached out the poor Rodriguez. I go, that's great. But the guy you're looking for is Felipe Sparser. So finally he sees Felipe. Lisa drives him, and he calls me. He goes, oh, my God, this guy's great.

It reminds me on my brother. Yeah, I'm fucking eyeing him. How many days you get on that movie? Like seven. What was the name of that movie? The movie was Deported. What ever happened? The movie was on Netflix for a while, and they took it out.

Why? Because it was that bad. Because they're not paid. I don't know what happened. it was probably that bad, I don't know. Oh, my God. I twisted my ankle at the last scene, bro. Really fucking bad.

It was me, you, Paul Rodriguez, Nick. Por Rodriguez, Rick, Talia Shire was in it, but she was in our scenes. There was a lot of motherfuckers, bro, in that movie. Oh, my God. And it was in a fucking, in the mountain by Magic Mountain, by sitting out in Valencia,

and it was cold as a motherfucker. It was cloudy and rainy. They sent us home one day because of the rain. And Joe Diaz, he shaved his mustache off. You had a mustache? Yeah. You couldn't even see it. He didn't have a mustache for the scene.

So the next day, he shaved his mustache off, and he comes back with no mustache, and they put, like, a prosthetic mustache on his fucking, on his, on his lip. That is fucking crazy. And it paid pretty good, man. We had our own trailers. Yeah, we got pretty high during the sets.

Good food. The director had the worst hairdo. Oh, yeah. You ever, ever, ever. He was a typical director, man. Typical. He was a wannabe director. A little jacket.

A little jacket. That dude will never work again in his life. They'd rather shoot him in the fucking head. The dude fucking work again. That was horrible. He did something that was like this guy. There's these dog movies that keep calling me, the ones I did. But the first four or three were done by this one director.

Who wasn't bad? I liked Mike. That was his name, Mike. But then they got this other guy, and he comes from the editing background. So he shoots everything halfway. So let's say right now we're shooting the scene, right? Yeah. So if we're facing this way today, he'll shoot this scene from over here,

and he'll cut it. And we won't shoot again until he's facing this way three days later. So you live in this scene for a fucking month. which I don't like. So now you have six scenes hanging because he only shoots from one side. Do you follow him? That's weird.

It doesn't make sense. Yeah, it's the worst. I told him when I fucking, I didn't want to do the movie and that was one of the reasons that fuck that shit. Shoot the fucking movie how it's supposed to be shot. Shoot it and let's move on with the fucking lives.

I don't want to keep shooting this fucking scene over and over again. That's not my fucking bag. You know what I'm saying? I remember Joe Diaz, so that director of that movie that deported after over and over of him like I think they want him to go back like he got punched

and then he said he shot it and he go all right man it's fine man we did it okay and then Paul Rodriguez said yeah it's fine we did it okay because he wanted to shoot it over and over then Joe Dia started directing his own scene now we're good we're good man fuck yeah I can't stand when people

overshoot anything no small big deal is a small scene I don't like when people it burns me up. It burns me. I did a commercial for Go Daddy that almost knocked everybody out in the fucking commercial because I think that they were trying to piss me off.

Like they were trying to shoot, kill time so they kept making me do the scene over, like 50 times. There's a flower on the face? Something, yeah, yeah, something. Remember you were asking me? Did I know you then when I shot that corner? Yeah, I think so. It's just Yeah, it was a year ago. Let me give it some fucking sponsors

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You understand me? Longer lasting, better tasting. The cigar, you can blow smoke in people's faces. Nobody gets pissed off. You're right. Hittie Six. What I get pissed off? What the fuck are you?

What's up, fool? Can I mention my podcast? You can do whatever. We ain't going nowhere. What's up, fool, Felipe Sparsam Man. Took out my podcast on SoundCloud everywhere. What's up, full podcast? How many weeks are you working a week now, a year on the road?

On the road, probably like three times, twice or two weeks? Two weeks or months, yeah. Is that good for you two weeks a month? Yeah. That's good. You can't do three like me. I can't. I get burned.

They never give me three. Every once in a while I got to do three, but not all the time. Okay. You're a bad motherfucker. You're not going to acting class. You get much calls for movies lately? Yeah, man. I booked two commercials.

I booked a movie. movie with some dude, you know, some movie. But the financing. But the financing went didn't go through. He's getting sued, so we'll see what happens. I shot an Eric Andre show. It'll be out in December. Eric Andre.

Yeah, on the Eric Andre show. Okay. What channel is on? On the adult swim. He's with Hannibal Burris. Okay. Yes, it's a little show. Okay.

Twelve-minute show. You're a bad motherfucker, Felipe. You got it going out. I did a stand-up comedy show in Spanish with Estreia TV, the same channel we did with Platanito. Come on. They booked me for five minutes, bro. The money was all right.

No, you got to do what you got to do. And then tomorrow I'm hosting, um, Ken Tienete de Talento. It's like who has talent. In Spanish? In Spanish, you know, I'm going to be there for booking two shows,

doing two shows. You don't give a fuck. You're working eight hours. You know, I'll do Spanish, you know. They pay, they pay, They paid just as well as English, you know, and I did my whole set in Spanish, you know, and I worked it out over and over in my head. I translated my jokes on Google.

I just typed up my jokes, translate to Spanish. And I did it, bro. How's the timing when you translate it? Oh, I got to talk slower, man. You'll talk really slow. Like, I said in Spanish. I met this girl last night. She said, I'll sit by your house, but can't have no sex.

a night with her son a chicka me said, do we're going to be the sexo. You know, same thing. Okay. You say I fucked her in the eyeball and she made me green chili burritos for the fucking,

you know what I'm saying? You better make me some fucking... Back to the wedding. So let me put the pinch of ojo because I don't understand how much of a hot. You know, I always told her to throw up, man. Like, at Wild Coyote's, man. I'm going to be over there.

Have my green burrito ready. And it was there out. Always, always, always. That's my world, dog. A green chili burrito or a little rice and some beans to cut it. You can't get that in a way. You know how you sleep after one of those? How?

You pass out, bro. Like a fucking mummy, dog. Your body can't handle it. It goes into protein and psychological shock and abuse, cucketucker. You sleep, bro, like palm and omen and cool-h-h-h-lug, bro. That's right. No more, boss. What do you got this week, does that?

This week, bro, I'm doing a live. podcast, October 30 at the Nerd Melt with Bill Murray and Al Madrigoff with the Art Things Comedy Network. I'll be there October 30 at Nerdmelt. And I'm

taping a couple of podcasts for my podcast. I'm doing Emilio Rivera and Josh Nashir. Last week we had M.M.A. fighter, Mariano Mendoza. He's a big motherfucker, bro. He's considered a Mexican Dibo. Pretty much, most of my

guest on my podcast that people I run into you know like if I see somebody alright this motherfucker used to be a pimp would be my podcast big time he goes alright big time so or whatever you see Emilio at I haven't seen Emilio I email them man

on Twitter and he said yeah bro do it he's a great guy and I had Armando Casillo and Pops bro how cool is Pops oh man let me tell you what man you know you know who Pops is you know a guest set in Bray you didn't come up

Oh, okay. A little handicap kid. Pops is the dude that when he was nine years old, he was on his way to a Little League game, and he got hit by a drunk driver. Oh, no. And he flew off with a motorcycle. So he talks weird now, but he recovered.

You know, his speech is better. He does stand-up comedy. He's a fucking freak, you know. Somebody told me they took him to Mexico, and they got him a hooker, and he pops fucking just went to us. He walks with him, limp, the whole fucking thing, Lee. So Armando, so they got to talk like this.

Hey, bro, every time, bro. He has a little arm like a waiter. So this fool man on the show, Armando talks about because pops go to a strip bar and they keep his phone. He has to go to the bank and come back and get lap dance money. So the fucking stripper called his house. I better have my money. So I better have my money.

So Armando, you know, he told his wife, listen, I don't know how I know this, but what probably happened was he was getting a lap dance two songs turn into six he don't have enough money they're holding his phone and he's going to the ATM and he's going to come back and pay these strippers

get his phone back everything's going to be all right how Amando did not know this is going to happen but that's what really happened this is a guy man who who's living in a pension bro so I have them on my podcast Pops

Armando Cosillo I like Preeks Pops you know he's ready to do a gig you're ready to do anything, bro, he's ready to hold a wire, bro, whatever you need. He had me really high, and I was in the green room,

and this guy walked in, and I had never seen him before. But from the, like, green room, it sounded like he was doing well. He had me really fucking high. He was a guy walked in. He's a soldier.

Like, one time, bro, I had nobody to take me to San Diego to do that fucking shitty-ass gigo was there with that guy, Dusted nap, I didn't think it was. I had nobody, bro. This motherfucker, drove me, okay?

And his car is built for a handicapped person. Like the steering wheel, like the acceleration on the truck, it's on the gas, it's on a steering wheel. So to accelerate, he just holds it down with his palm.

And the brakes are like over here or on his foot, but the accelerator, it's on like, he can't switch from both feet. So the accelerator, it's on the steering wheel, and the brakes in a son of steering wheel

so it's built and the fucking steering wheel has a handle like a bus driver like a fucking door knob for real

the fucking steering wheel is built like a door knob right dog so this motherfucker drove me like that like a soldier

bro to San Diego bro bought on tacos got him on fucking lap dance paid him 60 bucks gave him gas

he always calls me to wish me a good fuck on the way Uncle Joey I want to wish you good luck You want to guess it I'll be there

All right bye We're talking about that The show That's how he does And I said Pop don't ask for No he always He always goes

He wishes you good luck I don't need no luck Yeah pops Armada Concio Jr He don't ask for guest spots He just He just sees that

Oh Pop Jada's live podcast What I need to see Is a fucking thing And he'll Joe Dia's live podcast Like It's amazing

He will show up Like a fucking Thank you for coming on tonight. Oh, thank for that. Are you doing, Lee, all right? I'm okay. You're right.

See, you ate... I took it to the deepest waters, and you made it. I made it. You got to see Lee when he eats and up. He looks up. It tastes so bad. It tastes fucking delicious. It's a new chef.

Yeah, man. Every day it's a new chef. I want to thank on it. I want to thank Dollar Shave Club. And Hitty Siggs for helping us out and sponsoring us. Hit it, Lee. Hit it, Lee.

Okay. Hit it Lee. Where are you going to be? Are you going to be anywhere? I'm going to be in San Francisco next week. Healy and Portland. the week after and helium Philadelphia. Get your fucking tickets.

Go to joey-deers.net and see what's cracker-lacking, bitches. I'll be at Tommy Tees and Pleasanton next week. Awesome. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shaveclub.com. Get high-quality raisers, send to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Go to Dollar Shaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to Joey Deas.net. And click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. Show is also sponsored by Onit.com.

Use code word church to get 10% off of your order And go to hit eSigs.com And use code word joey's church To get 20% off of your order They have e-cigars, e-cigarettes That proof is in the vape And it's better tasting long of lasting About Jeff

Six in the morning Crack a doorman Now I'm yawning White the cold out my eyes See who's this page of me And why It's my nigger pop from the barbershop He told me he was in the gammon spot and heard the intricate plot

A niggas wanna stick me like fly paper neighbor Slow there love please chill drop the caper Remember them biggest from the hill up in Brownville that you rode that sweet Luns and got nice sweat Yeah my nigger fame up in prospect nah then my niggas nigh love wouldn't disrespect I didn't say them they school me to some lickers that you knew from back when you was clock and minor figures now they heard you blowing up like nitro when they want to stick the night Do your windpipe?

He's wanting me because now I'm wanting you. I got the Mac. Nigger, tell me what you're gonna do. Damn, niggas wanna stick me from my paper. Damn, niggas wanna stick me from my paper. Damn, niggas wanna stick me from my paper. Damn, niggas wanna stick me from my paper. They heard about the Rolexes and the Lexis with the Texas

Life who makes out of state. They heard about the pounds it got down in Georgetown and they heard they even heard about the clip you bought your mom's up. Florida, the fifth car, and they heard about the car, I call the coroner. It's going to be a lot of slow singing if flower bringing if my burglar alarm starts ringing.

What you think all the guns is for? All purpose war. Got the rock well as by the door and I feed them gunpowder so they can devour the criminals trying to drop my decimals. Damn. Liggers want to stick me for my cream

and it ain't a dream. Things ain't always what it's seen. It's the ones that smoke bloods with you. See your picture. Now they want to grab their guns and come and get you. Biggie won't slip. I got the calicole with the black talents loaded in the clip.

So I could rip through the ligaments. Put the fuckers in the bad predicament. With all the foul niggas went, cuts my cheta and feel my barretta. Fuck what I'm a hitching with your motherfuckers better duck. I bring pain, blood stains on what remains of his jacket. He had a gun he should have packed it. Cocked it.

Extra clips in my pocket. So I can reload and explode on your eyes hole. I fuck around and get hardcore. See more to your door no beef no more nigger Feel the rough scared the lust the more we smoke I puffs no more dangerous I don't give a fuck about you or your weak crew what you gonna do and big popper come for you I'm not running nigger I bust my gun and hold on I hear somebody coming Vaz no game just get big and close

huh that's right I'm sure as big as small scrimmy I'm sure motherfucker You better be his muffled. Shit. You gotta red that on your head too. Shit!