The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #225 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT.....   It's Monday, January 9, 2023…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings, Liquid IV, & BlueChew…   DRAFTKINGS   Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using the code JOEY.   Gambling Problem? Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MD/MI/NJ/PA/TN/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/KS/NH), 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/KS/LA(select parishes)/MD/MI /NJ/ NY/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. VOID IN OH/ONT. Eligibility restrictions apply. Free bets: Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 bet. $200 issued as free bets that expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded.  See terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/footballterms. No Sweat: Valid 1 offer per customer per day of NFL 2023 Wild Card Round. Opt in req each day. First bet must lose after opting in. NFL bets only. Paid as one (1) free bet based on amount of initial losing bet. Max $10 free bet awarded. Free bets expire 7 days (168 hours) after being awarded. See terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/footballterms.   Liquid IV Support the show and get 15% off at https://Liquid-IV.com by using code JOEY at checkout.   BLUECHEW Visit https://bluechew.com and use code JOEY to try it free! Just pay $5 shipping   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don't forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps    The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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The first week of the years in the fucking books, I had a great fucking week. I mean, we all did. I mean, listen, nothing happened. I mean, nothing fucking happened. People were asleep till Thursday. Some people woke up out of their coma on Friday, but all in all, it was a fucking great week.

I mean, it started out with that Monday night. game. I didn't even know what the fuck happened. I was watching an episode of Yellowstone. I've been watching Yellowstone for the last couple months. That's like the fucking soprano rednecks. They don't fuck around up there, dog. And I was just watching it. I bet the game. I had a small bet on Cincinnati. I loved the under, you know, and I, and it was funny because Rich Voss had called me, and he's like, I like the over. And, you know, I was kind of cheering for him. I bet the under, it was 25 bucks.

I wasn't going to, it wasn't going to make me or break me. But I figured I always watched the game from halftime on. I watched like the last quarter on Monday night. Me and my wife watched something else. Maybe my daughter comes down. We watch some other shit. And I'm looking at the score and it's stuck on 73. And I'm like, fuck, poor Rich Voss.

This under is coming in like a motherfucker. You know, because if you go on draft kings right on the front page, just open it up to check the score. score and it'll tell you 10 to 3 it's a Monday night game whatever the fuck it was and after a while the episode ended and I put on I invited a buddy of mine

over from Buffalo he lives around the corner I go you want to come on and watch the game and he texted me and he's like hey it would have been weird for me to be over there right now with this shit happening can you believe what's happening I didn't know what he was talking about I'm like okay I'm watching Yellowstone so

when Yellowstone ended I fucking put the game on when my wife went up and I saw Everybody kneel around the guy and praying and what was going on. It was very sad. I'm happy they stop the game. You know, it's rough when you see something like that. And then the fucking bullshit started. I mean, it was people were fighting on TV shows over it and, you know, the fucking COVID.

And about the vaccine, you know, people were going off about vaccine and the anti-vaxxas. He got hit hard in their chest. and it's uh, we're living in the crazy world, guys. Nothing could just happen anymore. Nobody could just slip on the fucking floor. Did you ever notice that? Nobody could slip. Nobody could just slip on a banana peel, get up, put a mercuric chrome on their fucking knee,

and go to fuck home. It's like he slipped because there was a conspiracy. You know, I mean, it was a fucking tremendous week last week. I mean, people going out against Dana White for smacking his wife. Fucking people were going off. You know, I even put. This is the funniest thing in the world Listen, I got nothing against Dana

I love fucking Dana Dana. Dana's been very good to me over the years Whenever he sees me, gives me a big hug And the whole thing. It's the last thing the UFC needed You know, by Dana smacking somebody And I don't know what happened, neither do you. I don't know what happened.

Neither do you, you know? His wife smacked him. It was like a fucking canned reaction And people going off And a lot of people calling for more. More needs to be done about this, you know? And it's like, Listen, man, it's done.

It's time to move on. What could Dana do? Maybe raise awareness on it and help the UFC, like make the rules a little tougher. But there's to show people shit happens all the time. And shit happens all the time when you're drinking. That's why I'm very happy that my wife and I don't drink together. I've had one girlfriend that I used to party with and it never worked. It never worked for me.

It really was a nightmare. That was one of the worst relationships. She's a great lady. I still talk to. I love her the debt. But it was one of the worst relationships I was ever involved in because she drank heavily. I snorted. And when she drank, she did coke.

And when I snorted, I drank. So now here we are. Stuck in a room, yelling at each other. You know, and this is why I don't like alcohol guys when it comes to all that shit. And listen, man, Dana made a mistake. He owned up to it, which is more than half these. fucking people walking around and doing we don't know what happened

we weren't there you know it's like I tell you people you can't go anywhere no more because what a coincidence if somebody had a camera on him did his wife put out a statement too yeah his wife put out a statement and the whole thing and that that helps but the damage has been done

it's a video listen man I respect Dana for fucking you know stepping up the way he did most men would have ran away with it most people would have ran away from it. I'm sorry. Dana stepped up.

He said the truth is what happened and it won't happen again. And now, but, like, you have these agitators that are like, you know, get rid of them, fire him, do this, do that. You know, we've, in today's world, we've forgotten that we're human anymore.

This woke culture has this, that we're not human. We're not allowed to make mistakes no more. What used to be a little fucking mistake, like just a little mistake, like a DUI. Listen, it happens I'm not the king of

You know how I feel about these fucking things But even a DUI happens You don't know what happened You had one too many jins You didn't fucking weigh yourself You didn't know it was gonna stay in your system And it happens Now you have to think about why it happened

And manning up to it You know, it's the people go But I didn't even drink I have another drink in 12 hours Where you rick like a fucking gin mill So what the fuck are we talking about it? You know we're living in a world today that it's nobody's fault

and even if it is their fault they don't want to fucking come up and go this is what happened and this is why it fucking happened and most importantly then it won't happen again that's the most important thing liquid IV never killed nobody

cock suckers a little fruit punch flavor in one package and the fucking thing zoom I'm ready to go I'm filled with sodium my cells get to eat I don't give a fuck anymore guys but yeah this shit's got to stop where uh now we have snitch snitches like hey man we have to prosecute him if it was a black man listen it's all how you react to things and uh for dana white you know what i made a joke on monday on tuesday i was like i'm coming up smacking bitches

like dana white or smacking people i didn't say bitch i didn't say a woman i didn't say anything Again, guys, it's a joke. It's a joke. And a couple people hit me up on the side. That's pretty douchey. This would never happen 10 years ago. Ten years ago, I used to always make little jokes like that, and people go hilarious, whatever.

We all knew was a fucking joke. Now, it's like, Joey, what the fuck? You're insult. I didn't insult anybody. But the good thing out of it, I woke up Wednesday, and Elon Musk was following me on Twitter. So I must have said something fucking right.

You know, so guys, it's, uh, just cop to your shit anymore. Who gives a fuck? They can't fucking judge you. But this woke culture, everything is a fucking mistake now. You say something wrong on whatever, it's a mistake. And it's not just a mistake like it used to be. It's like the end of the fucking world. I had to stop reading like Yahoo!

Yahoo is the fucking white people drive me crazy page. They put shit on there. I don't even know why they put it fucking on there. They're talking about shit that has nothing to do with you and you have to look at it and go, what's this got to do with me? If I hear about the January 6th fucking thing one more time, what the fuck, guys?

What the fuck? You know, they're comparing, I even saw comparisons of Dana White to Will Smith. Like a year later. Like, Jesus Christ, like, don't you have anything better to do than to think about what happened a year ago with Will Smith. Now they're trying to bring that fucking smack back in comparison. It was just a bad fucking New Year's Eve for a lot of people.

Look at the other UFC fight. The Phil Barone fucking killed his girlfriend in Mexico. That guy's going to rot under the fucking jail in Mexico. You know, again, we weren't there. We don't know what happened. It was an argument. She cheated on him and told him on vacation. Why would you tell a fucking guy that's crazy that you cheat on him on vacation?

He slammed her in the shower, whatever the fuck happened. You know, I didn't read the whole thing. Just somebody was telling me the head day. And I think the most disturbing thing that is on everybody's mind is, again, is the Delia thing. Guys, he's a friend. I have not been around that crew in two and a half years. You know, I did not know what happened. I was not on that tour.

I was not. I'm just hearing about documentary and fucking. And I'm hearing about tour fucking managers and girls and, you know, guys, I got a 10-year-old, I don't know what the fuck to tell you anymore. When I was leaving LA, I was leaving in LA not to move, but I did it to shut a chapter in my life and move on to a next chapter. What I saw before I left, and it wasn't anything to do with sex or girls. it was just a common attitude and what had happened to comedians in general

that I knew this wasn't going to get any better it wasn't the pandemic it wasn't Netflix it wasn't anything it was just things that changed in the world of comedy when I moved to Los Angeles a comedian you know toured 20 weeks

he shot a show 20 weeks and he lived his life the other 20 weeks you toured around Los Angeles you did the improvs you did back before I started, you did Igbees and the ice house and all these other things. And then the game changed. The game changed and it was more about, it wasn't about the brick wall and the microphone

no more. It was about 200, you know, 300 C clubs and 400 C clubs and 600 C clubs and 700 C clubs and 700 C clubs and people trying to exploit it from every way they could. And I understand things grow. Things are supposed to fucking evolve. but it wasn't about the quality anymore. I mean, people shoot specials every fucking year and as a comic and as a comedy fan

and as a comedy fucking whatever the fuck you might want to call me, anybody knows. That's why I love the white dude that used to, Anthony... Anthony Jeslnick. I'm a big fan of Anthony Jesulink. Because Anthony Jezzanuck would run a material in a comedy club for a year. Then he moves on to a theater for a year.

Then he shoots a special. He's not worried about that check. Most people would take, in three years, we'd shoot two specials. Anthony Jezzanick cares. He shoots one special. And for that, I applaud him. But what I'm talking about here, it just wasn't about me at the comedy store getting my dick sucked in 1990. It became something bigger than that on all fronts.

You know, the podcast scene came in. That blew up people, you know. I benefited a lot from the podcast scene because it was, it went right back to where I'm one of my strong points, which is fucking storytelling, you know? So you get on these fucking podcast, you tell stories. It's the pathway to fucking, you know,

people really admiring you for whatever the fuck you do, whatever stupid stories I said You know we add the podcast to that Listen guys Let's be honest If you work the road like any of these guys You have enough money That's a great comedy living

You add a podcast to it It becomes even a greater podcast living Now you say to yourself How can I balance all this How can I balance all this How can I balance the comedy The podcasting the riding, the lifting, my family, my wife, you know, how can I balance all this?

And if you really want, like I did two podcasts a week and I did every other weekend on the road. Okay? When I say every other weekend, it's four fucking shows a weekend, two in one theater, two and another theater. And you're out there fucking banging it every week regardless. And now, remember, the weeks I'm off, the weeks I'm not on the road doesn't mean I'm home fanning my balls with some guy feeding me fucking coconut chips. No, I'm doing Tuesday at the store. Not one show, two shows.

Thursday at the show, two shows, maybe even three. An original room, a belly room, a main room, or maybe a 10 o'clock main room. I wouldn't go out on Fridays. Fridays is for my family. And I went out on fucking Saturday nights to the ice house, the store. I was the 930 spot. And whatever anybody else called me with. People always call you with something.

Hey, I got this room. this guy canceled can you stop by and do 10 minutes so i was always fucking moving after a while you're like okay what needs to be done here okay i'm i'm not seeing my wife enough she's bitching i'm not seeing my daughter enough she's bitching you know i've gained 13 pounds i'm not working out but my bank account is okay and i'm having fun on the podcast i'm doing all these things but you look and you see what's my income and what's it causing to my family. I mean, what's it to damage doing to me?

I'm a big fucking reader, and I'm excited about 2023 because I started reading again. You know, I lost a little contact by not being on the road and on planes. I stopped reading. I love reading on a plane. There's nothing better than, you know,

I love preparing to fucking read, like getting in a corner and smoking a bong hit and maybe getting a fucking Coke zero and putting ice cubes in it. And knowing I'm not going to, gonna move for an hour and a half. If I move, it's to fucking take three more hits off that fucking joint. That's the only reason I'm moving, you know?

You get so enthused about reading, and I read for years, I read it around about rock bands, you know, from Guns and Roses to Errol Smith to fucking, and when they got Nirvana, and when they got off the road, basically they hate each other. They hate each other. And then they went away for a year and rode and played with the kid and smoked some different dope,

And then they came back and they all loved each other again. And they were creatively, ready to pursue the next album. It's great to read books about rock stars. And like, we all have, you know, Mike likes Nirvana. But if I pull Mike aside, I'll go, Inervant album you didn't like Mike, and he'll go, wow, this one, Amher, had this,

or whatever, didn't that? And then years later, you read about it, and you'll read out the record label was forcing them to make that album. more they were fucking going at them for not putting like they want a ballad the only reason why we made that stupid song is because the record label kept asking for a fucking ballad we don't do fucking ballads you know so i read all this shit about all these bands and how they would come home and how erosmith they hated each other so much they lived in a house and didn't talk

to each other when they made rocks they would have to sign a list to go to the studio so they didn't see one another. They ended up being the best band in the fucking world. You know, one of the best bands in the fucking world. But there's a balance in LA. They didn't want comics to have balance no more. All that was forgotten. You could tell your agent 10 times. My daughter's birthday is January 8th. They kept calling you. I like your fucking, what about the 7th? Well, can you do the 9th? How about you leave early on the 8th? What time is your party? Well, do the party at 5s. You can leave by 7 and be on stage by 8 and you're like, what the fuck are you motherfuckers talking about?

So there was no balance anymore. Guys, what do you think was going to fucking happen? What the fuck do you think was going to happen? And there's no TV for these guys. Why? Because TV don't pay. Come on, man. How can I expect Bert, Tom, Lewis Gomez, Ari to do a sitcom when, you know what?

If they go on the road one weekend, they make more money than working 10 days on that fucking sitcom. That's kind of fucking scary. If I come to you and go, hey, I'm going to pay you $5,000 for 10 days. You're going to shoot a movie. That's $500 a day, whatever, $6,000 for 10 days. Then I come to you and I go, listen, I'm going to give you $5,000 for two days, and pay for your plane ticket, and pay for your meals, and you're going to drink, and somebody's going to suck your dick.

And, you know, you don't have to go to costume or table reads, or, What would you rather do? You're like, okay, maybe it's a movie with somebody special that you've always wanted to work with. All right, I'm in. But unless, no. So these guys will take these road gigs because think about it. These movies don't fucking pay you. You know, it's Tom Popper who talked me into doing the Many Saints of Newark because he told me when he did the fucking Liberation movie.

He broke even. How the fuck do you break even on a fucking movie? That's sad. fucking commentary that you went to acting class all your fucking life you joined plays you took shit from fucking

immigrant fucking casting people and immigrant producers you don't know what they're saying and now they want to pay you you know how the fuck is it that they wouldn't give me a fucking plane ticket for grudge match it's a De Niro

movie with Kevin Hart and I'm not saying nothing derogatory about De Niro Stallone or fucking Kevin Hart, but how do I not have a fucking plane ticket? So you think about all these things. These guys, they're forcing you to be not road comics, but road savages. At 50, you should be on a CBS show.

You know what I'm saying? Like that was the original plan for a lot of these guys. But no, it's completely different. Then they put pressure on you because Netflix won't give everybody a fucking special. And they won't give you a reason. isn't all right. So you're walking around and going, why's this guy got a special? Why don't have a fucking special? HBO started to wake up now with HBO Max, but they're not paying on these fucking specials, supposedly. So it's like you, it's tough, and I'm not whining.

I'm not the type of motherfucker that are whine, but now looking back at my last four years of doing stand-up in L.A., they weren't pleasant at all. They weren't pleasant. I did it because I was responsible and I wanted to make people laugh and I wanted to have a good time. But it wasn't my fucking be-all and all. I knew something wasn't fucking right. I just kept doing it, but I'm like, why am I working this hard? Why am I doing all these things when I have a child and a kid? And I kept telling these agents, hey man, you got to fucking stop killing these fucking guys.

You people are killing these comics, single-handle. You're going to fucking kill them. How do I know? Because I see them. I see them at the road. I see them at airports. But we become as a... And listen, I say we because I did the same thing.

You start accepting things that you were never accepted before. But you're like, you know what? Fuck it. What can I do? I'm sick of arguing. I'm sick of raising my fucking hand. I'm sick of everything. I wasn't in a great position when I,

fucking left Los Angeles. And I repeated it 3,000 times. My head was up my ass. Shit was happening at the end, the last eight months that were just unexplainable. They were just unexplainable. And then one day the walls came coming down and all these allegations of different people. And it was like, hasn't, hasn't this not been suspicious to anybody how all these allegations came out against everybody all at once. Yeah, like all these allegations came out all at once, you know, and listen, I don't know what's true.

I don't know what's not true. I know the ones I was involved in which is fucking a smokescreen and bullshit to the point where they reached out to Bill Byr and said, listen, tell Joey, we won't say anything about him no more if his people stop attacking us on Twitter. Yeah, this is what to tell you, people. They didn't even know what the fuck they were fighting for. Krista Lee has got seriously problems I know they fucking were going to protest the show last week

I know that they banned him I did not know if he ended up doing the weekend in San Diego I'm out of the loop so I don't know what's going on but I heard he entered a rehab for sex addiction or something one of the articles had it on there

and I really don't know what to say like if somebody called me right now what did you see what I didn't see any of this guys. I saw girls come to his shows, and none of them had a fucking mom on, and none of them were handcuffed. And, you know, none of them were, I didn't say,

they were all there on voluntary basis, what I'm trying to say. So I don't know what's going on. When I got out of the loop, I got out of the fucking loop, and I'm very happy. I don't look back. I love those guys.

I love them all. But if you guys know anything about me, that's not what I got into comedy for to cause all that problem to go to war with all these guys yeah I'm not going to say I have problems with comics in the past because I have

I did it for 30 years you're going to have a problem with a couple guys whatever but then I'm going to roll over to YouTube I don't want them to roll over to fucking my personal life and then everything I do on my podcast is about that

you know for the last couple of years I don't know what's going on on the internet it's not fun anymore. You know, it's not fun anymore when, you know, years ago I would post something that had no value to it. Just a stupid throwaway joke and I mean the last couple of years, people question it. It's either one joke or two jokes or, you know,

they didn't like how you said it or it's too early. I think I said some a couple weeks ago, oh, it's too early. Go fuck yourself. You don't know what early. Lead that shit up to me. I'm the comic. You paint houses. I don't want that. I don't fucking come to you and tell you about not put that fucking trimming on there or whatever. Leave the timing up to me. I love fucking bad timing.

I'm the king of bad timing. By the way, guys, if you guys got a chance, do me a big favor. How about a big prayer for Dean Delray and his family, man? He lost his mom last week, and I've been talking to him every day. Nothing bothers me more than when somebody loses him up. Nobody, and I've been telling you this motherfuckers for 11 years as I got on the podcast. The end of that I woke up in the middle of night and I just checked the Instagram and I saw that his mother had passed. And guys, I couldn't even sleep the rest of the fucking night.

Like, because I know Dean. I know Dean and I know what his mother meant to him. And I thought he was in L.A. So I got up the next day early and I fucking, I knew at 1201. I was going to have a phone into Dean. I called him like 1130 just to see. and he was in Florida. And I felt a lot better.

I got to talk to him, so he'll be in Florida for the next couple weeks. You know, he lost the parent at the beginning of the fucking year. What a way to start a fucking year. So if you find it anywhere in your heart, you know, light a candle from say a prayer, send them something. You know, yeah, candles lit, say something to him. He'll appreciate all of it, man.

And he got a cremated. You know, I would have sent flowers or gone down to the CD. The good thing about Dean is he's doing the last show with me at the fucking Sony Theater. On the 2090s coming up. So I told him your family, when you clean up all that mess down there, shoot up straight here. Let's hang out for a few days. Leo come, Mike will come, and we'll have a fucking dynamite time. I had a great fucking weekend this weekend.

Not jumping up and down weekend type like, you know, I got my dick sucked, or I ate two quailudes. it was a very different fucking grateful weekend you know i thought that by me getting older i was going to turn 60 that i'd be more concerned with me turning 60 i'd be depressed or have to talk to a therapist or and i tell you guys it hasn't been anything like that like the uh the countdown i haven't even really thought about it it's just it's just a number you know for me i'm not even uh i feel great. You know, I'm not in pain anywhere. My knees feel better. Like I said last week, this last week, I had one of the best weeks of my life because guys, listen, I've done a lot of bad things,

but I've done a lot of good things, things that should have made me feel really good about what I was doing. And I did for the time being, you know, you book a fucking many saints. Anything is, when you're an entertainer, a performer, you know, when you're, you're, an entertainer, a performer, you know, you when you get off stage and you have a great set you're really grateful you like wow i can't believe i fucking did that or whatever uh last week i went to jihitsu twice uh blue belt class i've been going to that place for uh maybe 15 months now and i've been eligible to go to bluebell class for maybe six months now maybe seven months and every week i always catch a core class I'll catch a blue class and maybe two fundamental classes,

which are like drilling classes. And I can live with that, you know. But something always bothered me. I'm like, though, I can't make two blue classes. You know, I'm getting too old. The blue classes are a little, you know, who's ever teaching them? They're a little deeper. You do a little bit of rolling.

You do a live, a lot of live rolling, like starting from a back or starting from the turtle or starting from side control. And there's a lot of movement. You drill a lot, you know. So you go up to burn over 500 calories. You know what I'm saying? You'll fucking burn it, 600, 700. And usually if I do it Tuesday, I'm dead till fucking Friday.

Like, it's holy, Joey. Like, you're in no danger. I'll catch the class Friday, so I'll go Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. And sometimes I'll go Tuesday, sometimes I go Monday, and I'll fuck around on Monday class, and I'll get sore, and then I won't be back till Thursday, and then I finish off the class strong with, Friday. So I never really do two

Blue Belt classes. Last week I did two Blue Belt classes. And I got to tell you something. I felt more proud of that than fucking doing a Netflix special. Like I was like, was I this happy when I did my Netflix special or the other special for the Skachads? No.

This makes me fucking happy. Like I was fucking walking on air for two days. Like I went to two bluebelt classes this week. Good for Uncle fucking Joey. Yeah. You know? And I'm telling people, like on the Patreon podcast, I told people that it's the little things. You know, like I see all these motivation shit on Instagram.

And these guys are showing you watches with 20 million pieces of diamonds. And they're showing you driving up to a fucking plane. And they're telling you you're dead if you don't do this and shit. You know, but, and so now it leaves you going, well, nothing really happens big in my life until I got to watch with Eddie meal and fucking diamonds on it or nothing's going to happen unless i fly in a private chain i'm flying on a private plane smoking a cigar eating fucking food by myself showing you how important i am that's what i told you about before like that whole thing that was going on with tom you know that people like i know for me i would feel insecure if i'm trying to make striving and you're showing me

fucking pictures of a watch with 28 fucking diamonds in my world when i was 20 22 25 I'd be insecure. When I'm 35, I'm like, yeah, that's what I get. I'm a piece of shit for that fucking working, and this is what I get, you know. But nobody ever tells you about the little accomplishments. How you get to being grateful for that fucking watch, or how you're grateful for sitting in the back of a private plane with a cigar

and telling your story to people, whoever gives the fuck, you know? But it starts with little things, guys. It doesn't start with a fucking, $80,000 watch like this is my watch this is what you should be working for no you should be working for the little things and I thought of this last week like how happy I felt on Friday I couldn't even tell my wife like you don't understand I did two bluebell classes this week like I was just so grateful but I was grateful but at the same time I'm like this is what I've been saying for years little steps become big steps that's it it took me a fucking year to do that's it took me a fucking year to

Hey, it might take you six months. Joey's a loser, but I did it. And next week, I might do two blue belt classes and a core class. And the week after that, I might do two bluebell classes and a black belt class. But I'm on my way. And people don't celebrate the little fucking things, man. I swear to God, because we live in such a pressure fucking world anymore. Like, you got to drive a Maserati and you got to have a blonde with fake tith.

and you've got to be able to smoke a cigar in the back of a private plane and when they tell you these things, they tell you in a condescending type of way to make you even feel worse. And I look at this and I'm like, these people, no wonder we're fucking crazy because we don't even know how to celebrate

the little fucking things anymore. Everything's got to be a Maserati. How are you going to go from driving your fucking bicycle on Martin Luther King Boulevard to driving a Maserati? Can somebody please fucking tell me that Unless somebody leaves you a lottery ticket with $18 billion It's basically impossible

You're going to have to take little fucking steps along the way Maybe a Yugo or fucking what's those electric cars Those Priuses there's got to be something No you're not going to go from a fucking skateboard Right to a goddamn Maserati So that's why I was looking at that And I was looking at what happened to me last week And I'm like

This is what happened to people. This is why people aren't satisfied in their lives because they're waiting for the big ship to come and they never celebrate the little crabboat that might show up and give you a piece of sushi. You're like, ah, he showed up and he just gave me a piece of sushi. Who else was giving you a fucking piece of sushi? It's like, I got to tell my wife, whenever I go, we get any checks today? She's like, yeah, you got to check for a dollar 39. I go, who sent you a check today, cuck, sucker? Nobody said you a fucking check today. I got a check for a $1.39. That's a lot better than anybody else is doing for any. Ain't that a bitch. Yeah, it was fucking great, man. I can't believe I got to do it at 60, you know, so fuck it. The sky is the limit. Age is just the fucking number.

And you got to go for better yourself. Everybody would think by now I'd be saying, well, I'm going to go into an arena. I got no interest for any of that shit. That shit fucking sailed. Another thing that happened last week was my daughter turned 10. my daughter's birthday was officially yesterday the 8th of January the reason why I gave you that fucking

ear beating about turning 60s because I thought I'd be concerned with turning 60 like oh I'm 50 days away from turning 60 this and this and this that's what I have been thinking about I'm like that's what I'm going to concern myself with until about midweek until about Wednesday and I'm like holy fuck mercy is going to be

10 years old. And I thought about a conversation my wife and I had when we started dating. And I thought about a conversation. Not even a conversation. I thought about what I was thinking. My wife and I having a talk one night, she had a couple cocktails in her. I had had a couple lines of coke in me. I remember we were trying to talk, but I kept looking at the bottom of the door because I was paranoid.

I kept seeing somebody walk by the fucking the door thing. I'll never forget this night. And she was telling me concerns of her thinking she wouldn't be able to have a child again. We weren't even talking about us having children. We were just talking about, we had just met. We had been together 10 months. Nobody's going to want to have a kid with me after 10 months or nothing. We were just talking about concerns.

And she was telling me that she just didn't think it was ever going to happen for her childhood, where she was from. And I remember telling her, like, this is what happened. me, you know, I failed as a dad. I fucking failed. I failed. You know, and, uh, so I have no fucking interest. I have no interest. The only interest I have with kids, if Mike wants to bring his kid over to watch a football game, we'll watch it, play, shoot pool, I had no interest for a child. So, I committed to comedy and she committed to her fucking life and somewhere along the line we met in the middle.

And I got my shit together. I stopped doing drugs and I fucking proposed to her. And then, I don't know, four years later, she came up fucking pregnant. And again, I had my doubts. I knew who I was and I knew what I had done before. And when she told us she was pregnant between me and you guys, I gave myself a year with her.

I'm like, after she has the child, I'll probably, I'll probably give her about a year to realize what everybody else in my life has realized that I'm damaged goods. I'm not going to be any good for this child. This is not going to be any good for me,

and it's really not going to be good for you. And I remember her being in about seven months, and we were at a place called The Habit. It's like a cheeseburger joint, not the best cheeseburger. I guess it was the only thing we had in Studio City. They had like a nice chicken sandwiches. We were over there eating one day,

and she was explained to me, you know, about her child and all this, and I'm like, listen, I'm going to tell you something. I'm going to give you money for the kid. I love you to death. I'm going to love this kid, but I can't tell you my involvement with this child. I'm all in one.

You know, like I was, I have a folder of the reasons why I wasn't going to be a good dad, even a good human being, or even a fucking good father, like I did. I have a folder of things telling me why. Like, not that I wrote down Mike saying you're a loser, but I like to have paperwork from courts. I have paperwork from judges.

I have paperwork from prisons. I got paperwork out the ass telling me that I would never even make it to be a good fucking man. You know, I had my doubts over the years. And listen, when I met Terry, I didn't know what direction my life was going to be in. I was just going to fucking stick it out with her until, like I said, she realized what everybody else realized. That I had nothing going on for me. And nothing was ever going to come out for me.

And, you know, we put our heads down and I cleaned up my act a little bit. Again, not even, like, you thought I was at home going, I'm cleaning up my act. because I want to have a kid. You're out of your mind. I was just clean up my act. So I wouldn't die. I didn't want to die like fucking, I didn't want to die in an OD.

I didn't want to fucking die with coke in my nose. I just didn't want. I wanted to give myself a fair fucking chance at this fucking world. And I did. And also one day she came to me, she was pregnant.

I'm like, good luck. Good luck. Here we go. What's that fucking death leopard song bringing it on the heartache? Here we go. this is not going to work for everybody involved and fucking Sunday yesterday

it was a 10th birthday I think I grabbed my wife like Thursday I'm like can I talk to you like at night after Mercy went to sleep and I just reminded of all this shit and I go this birthday is so fucking important this is the most important thing

I've ever done in my life this 10th birthday and then it dawned on me you ever have like your own birthday and you see like you have like a grandmother or mom who's more excited about your birthday than you are. You ever have that like your dad or something? We're so excited for your birthday. You're like, whatever.

You know, it's just a fucking birthday. I'm just turning 17. All you're excited about is that gift card. All that fucking $100 bill that grandma puts in a thing. You don't give a fuck. Now I realized. Now I realized why your parents get so excited on your birthdays. Now I realized.

and for me I was really fucking like this was a feather in my fucking cap bitch this is this is I'm telling you guys like I didn't even dawn on this

I had not been thinking about this this never even crossed my fucking mind till this past goddamn week that I was like this little girl has been in my life for 10 years on my standards I've been a model citizen

in those 10 fucking years on my standards I'm who I was before and who I am now, I have been a model fucking citizen. When I got here, I realized that me leaving at night, like, I got to go do a show, that was not going to work anymore. That was not going to work anymore. She wanted me to be a fucking dad.

That shit was not going to work no more. She told me this. The New Year's before the pandemic, 2020 was the pandemic? That's when she pulled me aside. New Year's Eve. We were in Huntington, Be. beach and she's like my fucking aunt was here this weekend and you were only with her for like an hour and she goes i know it was heavy on mom you got to be around more and i was like you know what man

she ain't lying and if you saw my schedule for the pandemic that year i didn't have a lot of work i had one week a month until july or june or something like that and then september i was picking it up but I hadn't even booked the week out yet the year up I think the only thing had in the fall was Parks Casino like I had this year I was slowing it down already the pandemic just speeded it made me think about what I really wanted to do in my life cannot fucking believe it can failed as a parent guys I fucking failed and when I realized I didn't really fail like the way I'm saying it but I didn't have a chance I was not going to be the parent that I wanted to be there were never going to allow that and I was too hard-headed to accept

any other way so I said you know what fuck you motherfuckers I'm not doing this and now she's going to be 33 in three weeks and we haven't seen each other in close to over 20 fucking years but this is what happened and I was just going to lay down and take this loss as it's never going to work again thank God thank God I got another chance even though I was fucking petrified that goddamn chance and I wrapped my fucking arms around it and here we are and she's a

happy little fucking girl she's got a way better life at 10 than my wife and I had at 10 o'clock I was damaged fucking goods. Do you understand me that at 10 years old I was damaged

fucking goods? The story about the nun that happened when I was 10 my daughter is so far away from ever lifting her hand to a fucking nun or anybody it is just it's just it's been a real honor to see this and it has been a real honor for me to be a part of this shit if you guys think i give a fuck about who's doing because who's doing theaters or who's involved in a fucking child porn thing you know all this shit you people are fucking crazy. That's the last thing I want to hear about. I don't know what's going on out there anymore.

Half those guys don't even talk to me anymore and it's okay. I talked to Tom this last week. I talked to Bert from time to time. Theo checks in with me from time to time. Ari's my fucking brother. Duncan's my brother. Red band's my brother. Joe's my brother. Besides that, I really couldn't tell you what the fuck is going on. I talked to Eleanor from time to time. I talked to Josh Wolf. I talked to my man Ryan Sickler But that's it guys I don't know what's going on out there I don't hear from those guys

I know that fucking Theo is in war with Brendan And Bobby Lee is in war with Brendan And I just saw somebody else Is at war with Brendan I don't know anything about that And that's not why I got into this business Any of this

I just want my little nook here In fucking New Jersey Where I could come up here it twice a week and fuck with you motherfuckers and bust your jokes. Maybe tell you a story that you get something from or that you maybe don't get something from. Makes no difference to me anymore, guys.

I'm just trying to have a good fucking time. I'm turning 60. I'm an old fucking man with a big dick of a new fucking heart. And that's it and that's that, man. I'm just excited on little things anymore. Ten fucking years I've been a parent. I was told that I couldn't fucking make it

doing anything and here I'm a parent for 10 fucking years. Guys, don't believe what they tell you. Do not believe anything. This has turned out to be a fucking wonderful journey for me. Regardless of what happened early on, regardless of that shit. Who cares? That's gone. That's never going to happen again.

I mean, people are going to fucking come and go, but I'm never going to be put in that position again. I don't even care about half that shit anymore. Fuck it. 2003, motherfucker, it's time to learn and do new fucking things. And I tell you, you can hear this from me. If you thought something wasn't going to pan out for you now, give it a second shot. Just because you quit the first time, it doesn't mean you really quit.

You just took some time off to look at it the right way because you know the head you needed. When I got to comedy in 91, I always tell people, yeah, I did comedy from 91, but it was 93 when I really got a grasp on what? I had to do. Was it a waste of time that I did comedy for two years? Kind of sort of, because I was doing it all wrong. But I would have never learned to do it right if I wasn't involved in those two years. You know, my game of your guitar two years ago, I played that, a teacher on Zoom, it just didn't work for me on Zoom.

There was two things that turned me off about playing the guitar. The Zoom lessons, and everybody. telling me about my thumb. Every time I'd get a guitar player from Rudy, he would yell at me or one of my friends would help me with a lesson. They would always tell me about my thumb. That my thumb sticked out.

Then I look at fucking slash, and his thumb is sticking out. I look at whatever. I see that their thumb is sticking out. I understand when you learn something that they teach you for you so you don't pick up bad habits. Maybe showing your thumb is a bad habit.

I got a little down on the guitar. and I didn't touch it for like four fucking months. And the whole time I was like, wait a second, it's not that I can't play the guitar. I got to figure out how I could play it, learn something, and attack it. So I talked to a guy about three weeks ago, you know, before the holidays.

And I was like, hey, man, I like to do guitar lessons and we talked, I just don't want them on Zoom. You know, but then that sucks. I got to have to pick the guitar up, put it in the fucking thing, pack my little speaker and take it somewhere else. And that's a fucking nightmare because I don't want to break the thing. I don't want to hurt it, you know.

So now I'm ready. So I'm going to start lessons for him in two weeks. Did I quit the guitar? No, not at all. I just took a break to see how to do it to work for me. You know, a couple of years ago I ripped my fucking handstring. I thought I was done with Jiu-Jitsu. I was like, you know what?

I was never really that good at it. I was never really that good at it. I'm older and now the thing, but those two years I didn't train, I kept saying, get to myself, fuck. If I could do it again, this is how I would do it. If I could do it again, this is how I needed to do it. And I saw an interviewer Roger Gracie,

and he was talking about that. People go to jiu-jitsu, in their mind, they go to get tougher. And that's not what you have to focus on. You have to focus on going to get better. So I was going to Jiu Jiu Jitsu all these times a week And thinking I was doing it right now I went back now

And now I'm training it better I'm not going for quantity anymore I'm going for quality So if you tried something And it didn't work for you at one time Whether it's selling fucking balloons at the carnival And you came home And after six months you're like

I could have been a good fucking balloon salesman I just didn't fucking do it the right way I didn't attack it the right way And this has happened to me for years that I didn't attack something the right way. And you're like, why would I quit that? You know, I suffered a lot from quitting basketball and what I did as a kid.

Till this day, if I had a second chance of not quitting, I would have fucking stuck with it. If I could turn the clocks back, I would just focus on basketball now, even if I was going to end up being 5'10. It didn't matter. It didn't matter. But when I was getting old,

I was like, look at my mother. My mother's a half a midget. My father's six foot. I look at my uncles there all six foot one. I'm in no danger of being a fucking college forward. So I lost in my mind. Sun Tzu, most battles are fought before they won. Most battles are won before they fought.

So do you see where I'm going with this sometimes, man? It's just your mental preparation for some. So it's 2023. You got a fucking chance to be a fucking killer this year. Maybe you have a chance of being a killer. It's something that you thought you failed that. And you failed at it, not because you failed that. You just failed.

You failed on it because you didn't attack it the right way. And trust me, guys, when I got into comedy, I thought I was attacking it the right way. It took me two, fucking, maybe three years to realize that I wasn't. I didn't panic. I picked up the fucking new notebook. I got back to my Judy Brown book, and I asserted the fucking things I had learned.

And guess what? By fucking 95, that was a complete different comic. So the two-year growth between 93 and 95 was a lot better than the, Two-year growth act between 91 and 93 because I attacked it a lot better. So if you're looking at your goals in 2023 or things you're going to do better, revisit the past. Because you've got to know your past if you know your motherfucker to know your motherfuck and future. Public enemy. You don't think I'd pay attention, cock suckers, do you?

But no, all jokes aside. And that's what I've done. I do it all the time. I attack something. It doesn't work out for me. How can I do it better? Boom. And I do it better.

For years, I did this fucking kettlebell workout. And I would walk around my wrist with her from doing the cleans and slamming your wrist. Then I had the wrist surgery and I'm like, I can't do this no more. But I miss doing it. I figured out of the way how to do it. I lowered it down two fucking weights. And now I can at least do some swings. I can do some fucking cleans.

I'm not looking to be Johnny fucking Olympia. I'm not looking to be, you know, when the, I'm just looking to be strong and have, keep my dick hard. You know, when you're turning, when you're getting older, you want to keep that dick hard. So you're not going to look at me and go, I can't lift weights. Yes, you can. If you follow Frank Zane on fucking Instagram, he's 74. This guy was Mr. Olympia. I don't know how many times.

He's 74. He still looks like a G. He can't win no fucking bodybuilding contest, but he's healthy. He does everything with dumbbells and cables now. So I do what the fuck he does. I'm not Frank Zane, but at least I'm keeping myself alive. That's the most important fucking thing, guys. It's 2020, 2020,

it's a whole new fucking year. You're not doing anything wrong. Just learn how to attack right and learn how to make your fucking strikes count even more. And that's what I got to do at my age now. So if it works for me, it's going to work for you, motherfuckers. And that's the Monday motivation, January night,

2,023. Take that and put it in the bank. Laughing guys. is back in Jersey. So don't forget to contact my people at motherfucking stoner club.com. Let them know you want some fucking, I think they got rainbow ruts at 38%.

Fucking bust out the Indians, cucksug. And that's it, man. We're back to fucking normal. Lapping gas is ripping and rocking. It's the number one brand in fucking California. So if you get your hands on it, get your hands on it. I got one date left,

and that's the 28th of January. and then we'll see where we're at. The book is officially fucking in. Tomorrow I got to okay the cover, and I got to get an endorsement from my man, motherfucking T.J. English. And then it's tip-top, motherfucker, McGoo, guys. So get ready, April 23rd, and I'm better than ever.

I don't know what's going to happen this year, but at least we'll keep this alive for January. We're only doing one podcast a week. and in a couple of weeks I'll let you know what the fuck is going on I went to look at three offices this week

the two close to here are both dumps the one in Red Bank was very nice and I really wanted it and I offered the guy a deposit but he doesn't know

if the present tenant is going to resign so he said he'd let me know in the next 10 days but at least some people called me back yeah man I'm excited about this

I want to do something else I want to get out of my house house. This has been good, but it's time to get the fuck out of here. She wants to move into this room. That's not happening. I'm going to put a full-time office in here. Like just a work office, not like to do videos and shit like that.

So that's the deal, you bad motherfuckers. It's the joint Monday, the 9th of fucking January. Get your shit together. I love you cock-suckers with all your luck. On all my heart. Do not forget, we got PCU against Georgia. tonight and now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors draft kings tonight cock sucker all right you motherfuckers thank you for supporting me today thank you it's a it's a great fucking day to be alive

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