The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #227 - Joey Diaz, Steve Simeone and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: November 4, 2014

Steve Simeone, Comedian and host of The Good Times and Guilty Movie Pleasure's podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. Check out Steve's CD Remember This Here: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/remember-this/id932062627 This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  Heaven and Hell - Black Sabbath I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Man in The Box - Alice in Chains Recorded on 11/03/2014

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cigarettes and cigars, go to hit e6.com and use code word Joey's Church. That's Joey's Church and get 20% off of your order. Oh shit. Monday, November fucking 3rd. The day the devil was fucking killed, dug up, lit on fire, fed to rats, and then fucked in the ass. But we're here, the church of what's happening now on a beautiful Monday night motherfuckers. let that fucking bong and let it all out

here you go little heaven and hell this is what Lee's gonna be at about four hours four hours sitting there mummified oh shit

let it all hang out people meditate do what you gotta do namaste cock suckers it's over coming to you in your living room

and your bedroom wherever the fuck you're doing we're doing it you understand wherever you're doing it we're doing it you understand me wherever you are we are

Cuck suckers. Who told you to win it? DJ, shut the fuck. DJ Cog Block. Put the music back on. Are you kidding me? Or what? The church coming at.

Wait, hell the music. What's going to? What's happening? You bad motherfuckers. Great to see you. Great to have you. He's in our heart and shit. Joey D. is here with the flying Jew.

Steve Simone, fucking delivering the goods tonight at midnight. What's the name of the CD? Remember this. Are you fucking? kidding me or what? Remember this cuck, suckers. Available on iTunes tonight. Don't

fuck around. Canada, Russia, Scandinavia, Berlin, Finland, all you motherfuckers. We're coming together like NATO. And we're going to fucking get Steve Simone CD tonight because we're fucking on. What's up with you there, Johnny Weddings? The wedding was fine. I had

fucked up the last 24 hours, but everything else is good. What do you think? What I tell you? Everything that could happen goes wrong on those fucking no picking up cash trips. Yeah. That's why there's no such thing as a no picking up cash trip.

That's true. Ever again. I got a free steak out of it. Yeah. I got a re-stake out of it. 12 fucking miles. $2,000 a car, a tuxedo. You're like a fucking penguin.

I look good in that tux. Where's the pictures? Whenever they come out from the photographer. Jesus Christ. I look good in the tucks. I don't care what you say. I'm going to buy one. Yeah.

What are you going to do with it? Wear it here. Where it? The 24-hour fitness. Hell you. Master Cucks sucker. There he is. Yeah.

Believe with you should wear a tuxedo 24-hour fitness. Fuck with people. That would be awesome. Dirty days. Just every day. I love it. Every day. Just dry cleaner.

We'll take it to the Chinese guy over here, my fucking burbank. Remember with fucking Chinese people own dry cleaners and those fucking laundry joints? When I was a kid, you bring them T-shirts, like my T-shirts. They look like shit. These gray ones, I got 25 them. So you just throw them away as they go. But like white T-shirts, there's nothing more comfortable. Yep.

Done a white T-shirt. You got them starched? You got them dry. Right to the Chinese guy. Starts your underwear, folds them, boxes, tremendous. My dad used to do the jeans. You can't even take the, if you piss, you fucking drown in your piss. Because you're not going to take your dick out of it.

You got to pull them down. The Chinese guys, they'll starch that fucking cotton. That's a crease, Jack, to a Chinese guy. You're kidding me or what? But I used to take that my father, my mom, my mom, right on 88th Street, right down the stairs around the corner. He just dropped off your shit that next day and that that night. You came back. No tiki.

No fucking laundry. Two dollars if you lose the ticket. Everything towel, sheets. Your sheets smell tremendous. They iron your sheets. Your pillowcases. Fucking everything. That's awesome.

Everything. Your t-shirts look like, you know, when you take these cotton t-shirts, they're supposed to last a long time. They will unless you smoke dope like me and you get holes in them. You're still shit. You know, they're white. My grandfather was a dry cleaner. for his entire life.

He owned a Draclinner? For a while, yeah. It's a great fucking, I love them. I love the smell of those places. Me too. I love it in now. My mother had a dry cleaner when I was a kid. What's that?

I don't know how much it's supposed to cost against the dry clean. $4 for like a nice shirt, you know, to keep it alive. They charge 14 for the suit. Did I get ripped off? No, that's it. That's 14 and they take the stains up and they take that ass smell out of your fucking jeans. Oh, my God. And your jeans look nice.

They iron them with, you know, it's nice. It's a different life. You know, it's a, you got to have time to, like here, it's an hour out of your day to drop off closed. So that's, you know, somewhere else, like New York City, you can walk right down the block. Yep. So it's the, that's the differences. I don't want people to think that, you know, it's just the differences, you know. Yeah.

I miss all that shit, just dropping this shit on. I still drop it off because it's just, it was more for when I had a full-time day job. I just didn't want to spend a day during my only two days off doing it. Yeah. But now I found a place over here that does it for a dollar or pound. I'm like, why am I going to spend all day? They fold your underwear? Yeah. What if you have a nice skid fucking mark in there, which I know you do?

You discuss something. Sometimes. I have to make a decision sometimes. I'm like, am I going to put this in? Am I going to throw this way? You don't spray shouting those fucking panties of yours? No. It's got skid marking ball sweat. They're all yellow.

Almost all my underwear are dark colors. You got that yellow juice sweat. The cringes around the nut sack. And the nut sack gets hard, right? You take your undies off. I don't change them. You only, you wear those. My nuttack never gets hard.

And the nuts in the cotton ball. Like when you take them off, you don't need an athletic cup. Your underwear has become like, because you only fucking bathe once a day, that's what I'm trying to tell you. Only once a day. That's right. And I know, I know you.

I know you put those dirty undies back on you. I know you. No, that's one thing about, look, if you come to my house, I have about 30 pairs of underwear because I change it at least twice a day. That's one thing, because I only do shower once a day,

but I love clean underwear. It's like when I packed for this three-day trip, I brought like 10 pairs of underwear. The underwear on your nutsack of the yellow I have dark-colored underwear just in case I have a scar. Fuck yeah. You bad mother. This guy is a fucking evil genius.

There have been sometimes where the skid mark's been too big. I just throw it away. I'm like, I can't get this to somebody. I'm not a skidmark guy. I'm just a pee stain type of motherfucker. I got the treadle neck so it drips. It always holds that little last drop of piece. You never can shake it enough.

I'm walking away. I can feel it dropping down my leg. I'm like, you mother. Now I gotta go to Jiu-Jitsu. When the guy gets together, an arm bar, he smells pissed. I smell like a fucking cat. And don't you have white geese? So do you ever, like, have a yellow stain on your glee?

No, I don't wear a white ghee to that place, because I had a blue ghee that was perfect. I've been wearing down there, and then Johnny Guerrero's boy in Denver gave me a fucking nice glee guy that fits me perfect. I went down there. Okay. I just pulled it inside.

My wife just washed it this morning. Nice. I hung him up to dry. I like my fire. I went to J-Jitsu again today. My knee feels good. I went to three jiu-jit-tos last week. You know, I was having a hard time.

It's really weird. You got to really be careful of what you wish for. You know, when you meet a young comic and they moved to L.A., the first thing they say is, I've got to get on the road. You know, and I did that. When I moved here, I was very fortunate. I was in with John Yoder. I was in with the improv.

I was, and even though I was featuring, some places were co-headlining me. Some small companies were headlining me. I always had work, and I would go out for six months at a time. time, you know, I would go out. I would leave November and come back in April and then leave in May and come back in December. Wow. I was a fucking savage.

You were gone that all time? That whole time. I would just send clothes home to Josh Wolfe. Wow. I would send boxes home every like month. I would buy new clothes and once the bag filled up, I would alternate clothes. Underwear, throwaway socks, go to a Walmart. That's why Walmart's a fucking the king.

You get a wardrobe like fucking Slim Jim Magoo. I had a wardrobe on the marshals. You go to Texas. You know, Texas is for fat people. When you go to Houston, you go to Marshals, they sell 2X, but they're really 19x. It fits every fat dude. You know what I'm saying? That's great.

When you go to 2X here, it's fucking 2X. When you go to Tennessee to Walmart, 2X is a little loose. But pretty much, they give you a skinny guy, fucking 2X. But in Texas, you got a 4X. You cut that motherfucker in half jack. That's going deep. That's for a 4X big black dude with that ball of fucking phobia that just sits behind his neck.

You ever see those big black Mexican dudes in the South Texas, and they just eat barbecue on white bread all fucking day? And you know what that is? That's shock. That chemical when you go into shock that shoots out of your brain to tell your body's going to shock. When I was 418 pounds, I was starting to get that hump on my back. My wife told him, because you're starting to get it.

And I watched a TV show about Sleep Batman. Sleep Batman, sends your body into shock. So it releases, come on, guys. It releases something. And it goes and it packs some. up behind your spine. So that's why those big fat guys, they live,

their bodies are always in fucking shock. At any fucking minute, they could drop. Once you start getting that fat ball on the neck, there ain't no coming back. It's like you like the dude in the crow. There ain't no coming back. When you see those guys, the 6-6-500, big Mexican dudes. There was a guy in Tucson at Bugsys

where we used to go to Tucson. The biggest guy you ever saw, and he had those things. And I saw him at the store 10 years later. It was down at 200 pounds. He goes, dog, I had a triple stroke heart attack. My leg fell asleep. Wow.

He goes, they rushed me to the hospital. He goes, the deal was I had to get out and just, it was over. Like, I went from eating 10 burritos for breakfast to eating a peanut and a fucking cup of yogurt. Like, it was over. So he dropped 300 pounds. Good for him. He had a drop 300 before he did the surgery. Wow.

That's how big he was. Well, that was the one good thing about this weekend is I fit in the seat and I got the seatbelt totally fit. How stressful is a situation when you sit on the plane and you pray to God that the motherfucking fits? Because it depends. Some of the new planes would fit me before. Right. Some of the new planes were like... No, the old planes I was dying.

The old planes fit me this weekend. I flew on a propeller. I flew on a propeller plane today. It was fucking terrifying. The plane was shaking. It was not... Bathroom in the back. I didn't get up.

I sat down and pray. That's why they send you now. You cannot get a decent fucking flight. Like a direct flight. Thursday, the 29th, I'm trying to fly into Columbus. There's only one direct flight. I was telling these guys, it's $786 for the first one in American. Then they usually have choice and something else.

First class was $9,800. I was talking to Justin on the phone, our friend. The way back first class was $8600 for that early flight. Oh, my God. Because they only have one direct flight coming from fucking, from Columbus, Ohio. bro, they got people with, you know why? I'll tell you something. For a while there, every time I go to Columbus,

I'd see people on the plane. The most important guy I'd see on the plane is the dude from the office. Krasinski? The big white dude. Yeah, Krasinski. Okay. He's from Ohio, from Columbus.

I flew to Columbus maybe three or four times. I flown with him on the plane three times. Wow. He was on the plane and that got on the beef with the guy. One time in Columbus, on a Joe Rogo. show. Those guys went in early and I came in by myself the next day and I got in the beef

on a fucking plane with some guy in front of me. What happened? Yeah, what happened? We were eating and he laid all the way back and when I said can you just go up? He gave me the finger. What? Oh no. So he pushed the fucking thing he started arguing but he got for the store at his first. So when I got off the cops were waiting for me. Oh my God.

But we smoothed it out and then I saw him a year later going to Columbus and I go, what's up? Cucksucker. It just froze and but it was too late. We were about to get on the plane. And I had to be upgraded to first class, and he didn't. He was in the fucking dungeon.

It's amazing because I had an issue where my flag got canceled last night and I had to drive three hours. And then, of course, the car rental place charges you $200 because you're not dropping off at the same place. It's amazing how we kind of just are allowing the airlines to do this. Like, if you cancel the flight or tried to change it, they charge you a few hundred bucks and then the difference. And if they cancel it for no good reason other than...

No one bought the ticket where we're kind of fucked. It's amazing how we allow that to happen. Well, we live in some weird times, man. We live in some weird times economically where people, I'll tell you, a couple weeks ago, I had an issue in America when the guy

tried to kill himself in Chicago. And I knew it. Oh, yeah. I fucking knew it on Thursday. I go, this is going to be an issue on Sunday. Sure not. Saturday night, I get that fucking call, that text. And they're like, hey, man, we cancel your flight.

You know, call the airline right now. They reschedule them. I'm like, what are you thinking? Like, Monday at 3 in the afternoon, I can't do it. They go, well, there's early more than one out of LaGuard. They go, better yet, there's a 545 out of Kennedy. If you could transfer the upgrade for the first class, I'll be there at 445. And then he goes, done.

Nice. I said, okay, so they took care of me even though they can't answer the flight. So it depends, you know, if you talk to them correctly or whatever, it's pretty. Well, you have points. I have no points anywhere, so they kind of just threw me the world. They still fuck with you. I was talking to my friend Rob Lubai, and he goes,

the United chains to everything around and mid-game. He goes, I've been flying, he takes your flight to Monday morning. No, he takes the Sunday 5 from Newark

and it lands in L.A. I don't fucking know. Six o'clock, seven o'clock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's been taking that flight for 10 years, he said. And he goes,

I usually go home twice a month. This guy's a trooper. He goes to Bucking Jersey on Thursday and out of the red eye, gets up, fucking parties Friday, Saturday, sees his family. That's great.

Gets food. It comes right back on Sunday with a sandwich and Italian calls me up, Joey. I got an Italian, whatever. I said he hasn't been home until from May. Wow. This is the longest because they raised the plane tickets and they change the whole pricing

so the upgrades are gone. So he lost the status. He goes, I didn't lose all of it, but I lost because it's now about spending dollars. when you go to get a plane ticket, like today, I went to get American, okay? American has four prices listed. They have the base price.

Yep. Then they have the base price, if you have to change your flight, it's already covered. Yep. Then they have the base price with the coverage and luggage fees. Okay.

So instead of paying for, you could travel with two, but they'll give you one for whatever. So you save $25. Oh, okay. Okay, and if you cancel it in seven days, It's full refundable. You don't lose $100.

The way it used to be. It's like turning back the clock. Right. They always used to give it. But you got to pay the full amount. Yeah, you've got to go pay for it now. So you're paying, like if I want to pay, if the regular ticket was $364, you got to pay $5.10 to get the special treatment, whatever. And then after that first class is $9,600 to Columbus that specific.

All the other ones are $1,400. That's the first price I look at. Not because I'm going to buy a first class ticket, but that'll tell you. Last year, the flights to Miami in December were $12,000 first class. Oh, my God. Do you think it's just because the people who buy those are using expense accounts so, like, they don't think that people care? I mean, who would buy? I mean, if I could pay 12 grand for a plane ticket, that means I could pay the charter a plane for four of us.

Probably, yeah. I chartered a plane one time. I didn't charter it to people. I was with chartered the plane. It cost us $2.50 apiece to fly from Aspen to Denver to see the Denver Nuggets. against the Philadelphia 76th. Oh, wow. December 29, 1983.

Dr. J. Years? Moses Malone, Andrew, Tony. That was my favorite team ever. Tremendous. Yeah, 83, because 84 I was back east. So it was 83. It cost us 250. So it was fucking 250 apiece.

We got the fly a plane. The guy let us smoke dope or something on the plane. We stayed at some holiday in. And Denver was a shit fucking hotel. People were yelling and screaming. We were told. the two of the Nugget party was in the B had afterward. That's why we checked into that hotel.

That was bullshit. They were just trying to get you. They were just trying to get this in. There was nobody fucking there. That's hysterical. What's up, Steve Simone? Love and Life, Joey. Steve Simone, how long have you been doing comedy?

14 years full time. Is this your first CD? Yep. First ever? Yep, first debut, everything. It's amazing. It took me about 14, 12 years to do something. Right.

My first CD was fucking horrendous. I hear yours is fucking. tremendous. I'm proud of it. Lee worked really hard on it. It makes me sound good. Lee's a fucking animal. I honestly didn't do much.

It was a lot of fun to work on. But no, I didn't. I cut out a couple of stuff, but no, it was basically your set. It's great. Lee's a fan, which makes the editing process a lot easier. When somebody doesn't know you, you know, there's so many variations of doing a CD, and that's why so many people get the finished result and go,

What the fuck? Yep. Because, first of all, they didn't sit in the studio with the cat. Yep. At least you had a relationship with him. He knew your material going in. He knew your timing. Yeah.

He liked a lot of the bits. Makes all the difference in the world. So it makes all the difference in the world. So 14 years, what is your first CD about? It's just about, it's similar to my podcast about looking back at the good times. And it's just about who I was as a kid and why I'm talking about. that now you know like just focusing it's about that choice of focusing on what sucks in life or what's good in life and I'm done focusing on what sucks and I'm just trying to enjoy life

so I open up with a bit about Chinese food how it's the greatest and how it puts me in a good mood whenever I eat it and then boom and then I start talking about me my brothers somebody took you for Chinese food last night somebody in San Diego took you for Chinese no so one of my buddies my buddy uh my buddy Arturo him and his they come out and see me whenever I'm in Brea and they pre-ordered the CD and the celebrate they ordered Chinese food. So he sent me a picture. It looked fantastic. Were you

raised rich? No. No, I think that's probably why... Middle class. Yeah, that's probably why food's a big deal to me. Because that was the vacation we could afford, you know? Paycheck comes in Friday night was pizza night. That was a big deal. Just to have like to go out and sit down have pepperoni and sit down Miss Pac-Man. I ask

I ask if you were born rich because one of the things I feel I have in common with you that we've always had in common has been our childhood. Yeah. You know, it's really weird that I lost my mother at 15, and that would make my childhood bad, but it really didn't.

That was one of the many stories. You know, when we first started the church, about three months in, I got a really hurtful email. Somebody sent me an email and said, you know, I tried to listen to your fucking thing, but I thought it was going to be about social politics and whatever. It's called the church of what's happening now when you talk about your past. And I wanted to describe to people my past because that's what molds you.

Absolutely. That's what makes you say the shit that comes out of my mouth with me and Lee are alone or we're giggling here or whatever. It's so weird how I had a really good time growing up. Me too. At times at night I catch myself giggling. Yeah, me too. Something stupid of my friend Roger or when I talk to you,

you're one of the few people that really had a fucking good time growing up. You caught the tail end of the kids in your blonde. Absolutely. Going to people's houses, wrestling, breaking a window, getting in trouble. Not with the police. But there's a different type of trouble. There's police trouble like you're a stupid fuck at 12? Right.

Because I never had police contact while I was fucking 18. or something, 16 for a fight or something. But before that, there was no reason for police contact. Unless you threw an egg. What the fuck of the cops on duty? You're not going to arrest you for throwing an egg. You're going to chase you down and make you get against the wall and you got to piss your pants.

And you really let you know what kids already fucking fags growing up. He did it. He made me do it. That kid is done the next day. Like, he has to transfer school if he grew up in my neighbor. Like, that's it. Like, you had to that really let you know what kids were. punks or whatever.

So I cherish my childhood. I look at my daughter and I go, I hope that she laughs a half as much as I did growing up because that's what it means to be a kid. It's everything. And that's what it means to when you're 30 and you're

in a shit job and you're in a shit relationship on the bus on the way home. You think of that time of your brother when you hit him in the head with the light socket. Exactly. And he got stitches and your band them up and talk to them out of yelling for mom exactly hit me now hit me now

oh god and that's that control is almost worse like when your mom is gonna get mad or like wait till your dad gets home I used to do that all the time you can hit me and then it's fine and then let's even it out let's settle it before the authorities are involved and that's the great thing about your CD is

the jokes are funny but like during it during the Chinese food bit I'm listening but I'm also remembering me going to Chinese Chinese food and my dad being like Stop playing with your chopsticks. Stop fighting. And then the poo-boo platter.

It just, it's all. The best stuff in life. Yeah. You don't need a million dollars to have a good time. Like, I think that's the whole bullshit of this city. And I go, it's not where you are to you're with. And it's the little things in life. And, you know, to me, the best stuff in life, it's your relationships.

It's who you're friends with becomes your family. And then the good times you share with them. That's it. Everything else comes and goes. It doesn't matter what you drive, what you wear. It's all bullshit. But like this right now, it's the most fun ever. We're just hanging out.

There's nothing better than that. When I was in Miami, one of my buddies showed up, and we started talking shit, he was asking if I remember the day. When I went to McKinley School, the grammar school, I had three hangouts. I had my mother's bar, that neighborhood. So I hung out with those kids.

I hung out with the kids on 26th Street projects in North Bergen. Then I hung up with the kids by my house on 38th Street. The projects were a step down, But there was always good action. Lots of laughs. There was always fucking good, fucking action. What is action? Like, fights?

Action is action. There's shit going on. Life. It's happening. It's happening. Yeah, I get that. These kids had fun. Yeah.

So Alberto Ali had a brother. What a great name? Juan Ali, a Cuban kid. And it was really ale. It was spelled ale. Juan Ali had a brother, Alberto Ali. Juan Ali was the brains of the operation. Alberto was just a fucking morgue.

on. But he was a sweetheart. Yeah. But you could tell this kid was going to struggle in life. He just had a permanent smile. You could hit him in the head. He was pinky.

And he had a permanent smile. Yeah, he was pinky. He's, eh. And Juan was, when I hooked up with him, Juan was probably 13, and Alberta was probably 11. And Juan was going to hookahouses at the Bronx and taking Alberta with him.

Oh, my God. And they would tell me the stories in Alberta his face with Turned Ren, he just giggily. She, she sucked it, and she washed my dick with a butt. It was fucking classic. So they live next to Mo, Manny, and Joe. Pet boys across the street. Mo Manning and Jack.

That's always action because you try to shoplift. Somebody leaves a fucking tool out. What would the little kids steal from pet boys? You don't have a car. A wrench. It don't matter. It was the thrill. It was the thrill.

Thank you. It doesn't matter. If you steal a tire that's flat, that's your day. That's your day. And you kind of move it to it. It's going to last a couple of days. It's fucking flat. And there was a place next to it.

I'll never forget that I cherish. I fucking love this place. And I wish every kid to live next to this place. It was called Duratest. And they made light bulbs. But they made those light bulbs right there. You see those skinny light bulbs? Like the long, skinny fluorescent ones?

You have no idea what war is. Smashing. Because nothing could happen to you. The glass. breaks just by tapping the shoulder. But there's a white powder in it that just releases. All those motherfuckers got cancer to there.

All those motherfuckers got... You still light bulbs and hit each other with them? So they dump them in the garbage can. Weapons. So at fucking 501 Alberto, Alberto, and Alberto would be there by out. And Alberto would jump the fan.

And he would jump to fend bob wire alarms and shit. He didn't give a fuck. And they would start handing over these things. You could carry 10 of them each. We take them, put them down, you're ready, and we just go to fucking sword fights with each other. Sometimes they were three feet long, sometimes there were six feet long,

and you just smashed each other. That's awesome. But they also had light bulbs, right? They also hear the pop? So what you did was you figured out a way to snap the top a little bit and you could unscrew the top. And one day I took a rock, like a little rock and put it in there, and I just wanted to see.

See what happened. And I threw it off the roof. and I had, Ugh. And I look over. And I hit, uh, aye,

he's looking for his brother. It was Alberto the retardant. You mean grenades? I don't know what it was. I fucking blasted him with this rock. Once the rock was the momentum in the light bulb. And once I hit him in the fucking head, he had like a,

I don't know if I get, he had a bump. Like I hit him right here. And he had a bump. It was bleeding a little bit, but it had to roll up. In the middle, it was a pus. all around mixed with blood

you got to tell them it's not that bad it's not that bad you're all right and he kept saying who threw it who threw it I don't know there was 18 motherfuckers there and it was me like three guys knew it was me

and that's the best when one of your friends get hurt and you want to laugh because it was fun like he thinks you can't go down the stairs or something I'm the worst at that I laugh whenever anyone falls I have a story with my brother that he'll tell for the rest of time.

A babysitter took us to the movies and it had a big staircase going up. We look we see a late old lady walking up. We look away over here, ah, this old lady fell down all the stairs and I had to run and whistling, laughing. Other people went to help.

I was looking at 8. I just started laughing and had to run away. The last 10 years, the best one was when Ralphie Mae fell in Bert Kreis's backyard and took down the fucking kid table with the chairs, the flowers. Was like a kid's birthday party or something?

It was afterward that night and had a little kid table out there for little kids. And we walked around there. Ralphie walked on that duck. Took two steps and just fell to that fucking like a stunt man. He went right through that fucking table. The fall guy.

And he just laid there. And we're like, Ralphie, okay? And I'm just holding it. It's in my stomach. I can't breathe. I can't do nothing. I'm just like, huh. he gets up.

He's like, it's all right, dude. I didn't see it. No, this shit. I'll pay for it tomorrow. Everything. He broke the silverware. He broke everything. It was like a fucking bomb in the village.

There was nothing left. But somebody falls, but they don't get hurt. That's one of the best laughs in life. But I couldn't laugh. You're not to end, no. We got in front of Bert's house. He wanted to talk about his schedule, how he was selling tickets, and I'm dying to laugh. I gave my hug.

I got in the car. I made a right of him. hand turned another right and I had to pull over in front of jacking the box. I called Bert Kreisht and he was laughing at his living room. And I'm like, is that the best thing? You ever saw in your life? I remember once I was doing like one of these asshole events where I was getting paid a couple hundred bucks to like help park cars or whatever.

And in one of those, those events, they always have people that want to be in charge and they take it way too serious. It's like, this is nothing. Please don't make a big deal. And there was this lady just giving everybody the business, like walking around, making sure everybody was doing stuff. And we weren't working for her, so she couldn't break our balls. But, like, you could just tell she was probably a nice person, but taking it too serious.

Like, who cares? Everybody's making a lot of money for doing nothing, one of those events. So she's given this guy that's getting paid to stand with us. Like, it's one of those jobs where too many Indian chiefs, not enough Indians. Nobody knew what to do. So she's giving them the business for nothing. And then she's walking off. She's, like, doing that important walk.

Like, I don't want to hear about it. You will get it done. She took three steps. and fell off the curb, like she wasn't look where. She collapsed her ankle and then tried to regain it. You can see the ankle getting swollen. And you couldn't laugh. You couldn't laugh.

And my buddy looks at me. We just looked the other way. A good 45 seconds. She's off in the distance and he just goes like this. Marcy and boom, we lost it. One of the best laughs I've ever had. There's nothing better than laughing, man. There's nothing, especially when it takes you by surprise.

You don't expect it. I love all that crazy I'll pull over I don't give a fuck I will fucking pull over I laugh by myself so many times when I get stoned that night

all these cookies and all this shit it's for one thing it's to see the devil yes but it's like by 930 to just be on the couch by myself when I lower the volume on the TV the mute button

and just sit there and go into like for the last month I've been thinking about punching Freddie when we used to rob the gas station We had a guy in the gas station that we'd rob them once a month. He was half-retarded, and his wife was huge. 500 pounds, huge ankles. She'd wear fucking heels.

And they'd do coke and eat her ass and shit. And they had a jacuzzi. We rented the jacuzzi for the night. Like, they were white trash. Freddie was a sweetheart. I'm breaking about the jacuzzi. Freddy was a sweetheart. He came to him when they said, listen, you could mug me.

And when the cops come, I'll tell him that it's a Puerto Rican guy. I just mug him. So the first time I did, and he told me, the cop asked me why I wasn't bleeding. So if you rob me again, you got to make me bleed, I'm like, oh, I'm afraid, don't do this to me. I'm like, you want me to cut you? What do you want me to do, you know? What is it that you want me to do? And, like, four gas stations after that, we had, like, beat them up.

And I felt bad. For the first time, I didn't like hitting him. That wasn't my bag, you know. I had to, like, deck him and make his nose bleed. Deck him. That's such a great old school. So I had to hire somebody. This is how much of a pussy I was.

Like, if I have a beef with you, I could hit you. But this guy, Freddie, was just a victim of life. He didn't have any harm in his life except eating that fat bitch and snort and blow off her tities and shit. That's it. They had kids. They were ugly. I mean, he worked 90 hours a week to keep her in fucking high heels and, you know, like beer at night and morning and shit.

And I respect. at that, even at that age. And I understood, and he was such a moan. He would go, you know, robbed the gas station, and anything over, by the eight ball, and anything over 500, you could keep, give me at least 500 for robbing me. And I got it, you know, I got it where,

and I didn't care. Like, every time I'd rob me, it up, like, a thousand on him. And I'd tell him they had 900 or whatever, and he was so retarded, the poor guy. You know, I try to make $2,300 and whatever, and give him an eight ball and whatever. And I would just deck him. But I would hire my friends.

I was such a pussy. I would hire my friends to tackle him. Because I didn't want to hit him. I felt I couldn't do it. He was such a reed heart. He had no malice in his heart. So I would go, hey, you? And he would look at me in case the camera was looking.

I have a mascot. And then I get like Louis Castellito, one of my crazy buddies. Just attacking him for a small nickel. For like a yardstick, a 50, and a couple lines of blow. For a fucking eight ball. For a fucking couple lines of blow in those days, you could get somebody to kill somebody. In the early 80s, for a grandma blow,

I could get somebody to kill a motherfucker if I wanted to. I had soldiers at my disposal for a grandma blow. That was $100. Wow. That was $100 hard when you were sophomore in high school. So I knew kids that were... That's a lot of money to me, now. I know people who were sophomores and juniors

that would kill a motherfucker for a gram or blow. And I tell him, look, just come down one time tackle. If you like it, I'll cut you in a... monthly level and they would say are you fucking serious are you that crazy at him I had this other wild guy got blessed his soul his name is Randy Mergel

this white dude was a fucking savage with clothes on I know people from North Bergen are listening there remember this guy was a fucking savage white trash badass cool as fuck me and him and Rosanne Diagostino brother Diag

took a bus from New York City the Seaside Heights. Oh, they hit a red dragon acid, listen to AC, D.C. High with the help. The bus driver would have to pull the bus over and go, guys, stop with the music.

One more time. And as soon as he'd sit down, ban-na-na-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Wow. Oh, my God. I took him down there to tackle Freddy one time. He almost killed him with a tackle. The kid was like a tremendous football player.

Didn't play football for three years in high school. When he was senior year, he came out, He was hurting people. Wow. Because he was just fueled on blow and rage and pussy. And Lincoln School. Lincoln School was the fucking man.

The tarts went to school on the third floor. They'd bring them up in fucking chains and shit. When you play them in grammar school, they'd take them to the games and chains and balls on their ankles. Balls on it. In elementary schools in the league. Lincoln School was the shit. Oh, my God.

You'd qualify, motherfucker. Are you going to Lincoln School? Are you going to the third floor? If they say, because you go by their desk, we'll be flying out the fucking window. Oh, my God. These people were crazy. But the whole area, like, you had McKinley Kennedy School.

Kennedy School was predominantly Italian-wide, a couple Latinos. McKinley School was a lot more Latinos, low on the crazy side. Franklin School was dark. Yeah. That was on 51st Street. That was a dark elementary school. I don't even think they had a gym. You did us.

McKinley didn't have a gym either. Why no gym? No gym. No gym. You want to play gym, you got to play gym outside. Oh, my gosh, freezing. You got to be in shoveling. I love how you knew that as a little kid.

You like that to dokeleman school? You shovel and go to gym outside, dog. Wow. No gym until the eighth grade when I went to McKinley. We didn't have a gym. We practiced basketball at the 38th Street Park outside. Oh, that would be so cold. But gym outside was awesome.

Like tackle football in the snow? Not in motherfucking December. It wasn't. That ground gets so hard. No, you're right. That ground gets. but there was no grass out in front. Oh, yeah.

This is just concrete. I took you there. That front yard, I took them there. It wasn't even, it wasn't even awesome. And it was wide open. It's wide open. There's no building in this courtyard. You're doing a parking lot.

Wow. It's a parking lot. And downstairs is where the old gym was, the lunch lady, Mrs. Sabatino. I remember my lunch ladies too. Every time you look at this, you give you an extra lunch. That was the best. That was the best. Yes.

The greatest. And look at, you know, I still get. Mrs. Kaluka. And it's not. Not that I get more nostalgic about this shit that when I tell drug stories about fucking mugging people, you know. But those things like that.

The real good times, yeah. You know, McKinley, and then you had Franklin, Lincoln. But Lincoln covered a vast area. The projects, the field. God bless you. Thank you. Salute. It covered like a wild area.

So the kids in that neighborhood were a little wilder. Yeah. Robert Fulton, they were a little bit nice, Italian, they're a little bit calmer. Yeah. That was... God bless you. Oh, no.

Barlet, but... That's my allergies. I'm getting allergies lately. I started about three weeks ago. I thought it was a cold coming on, but it's been allergies. I'm making that noise. That's the noise they used to make

when I was a kid. When dogs were... You'd snarl up them? I'd make that noise because the hair got caught in my fucking link pipe. Like the dander back there. It would fucking go crazy, you know?

One of the best times you called me high and laughing was when that radio personality got lost and you were convinced that and then the president of Israel was coming and you were convinced that he had the cookie and he called me already laughing. Oh my God, I ate this cookie one day

and I'm fucking wrecked in my life was on the floor on the computer. The baby was a baby baby, I don't even think she was walking. She was not moving because I was fucking mummified. I'm sitting in this chair and it was something to do with

Casey Kaysen was lost. week I couldn't get up to pour an ice tea like I couldn't get up to put on ice tea I'm like this is terrible then they start doing a report on TV while I was thinking about the iced tea about Casey Casey's been missing blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah so I'm sitting there going oh maybe Casey had one of these cookies because I know I'm a fucking I'm a savage and this cookies making me fucking go crazy if a civilian eats this fucking I can't even imagine. What happened to him?

So, uh... And you called me howling, and then he said the president of Israel was coming because he knew about the cookies. Because he knew about the cookies. And you couldn't even get it out. That's my favorite when you laugh like that when you can't even get it out. It's the best kind of laugh. That's the best kind of laugh. That's it.

When you make yourself laugh at that point, that's when you know you're onto a good joke. And that always comes late at night or early in the morning. You get the certain clarity late at night. when you've laid down already and put that on your pillow, your mind slips. That's true. A premise and a tremendous tag that you got it now. Now it's all over.

You giggle it, you work it out in your head, and you work it out so much in your head that you kind of wake up, and you go, you know what, I'm going to write it, then you go, why would I? I remember this in the morning, and 10 other 10 times. Yeah, you don't got it.

There's no fucking way. I said, well, it's under my nuts out. Sometimes you get an inch, like six, eight inches deep south. I can get like a little ingrown hair. I got that today on the plane, but I didn't want to stick my hand down my pants. Fuck that. I will get up and shove my hand right down my fucking pant and pull out that fucking odor of nut sock. Because once you stick your hand there, you open up your front of your pants, that nut sack rises a little bit.

You'll catch it. If like your girlfriend's in the area, she'll notice that it smells like you're nuts. Like your girlfriend or your wife or something. Lee, what's going on with you? You're over there looking at the fucking ceiling. I'm hi. You gave me the freaking edible that you gave me when Ari was. here.

What's the matter? You're fine. I gave you a ton, 15 milligrams. You're not. The whole thing was dirtyly. No, it wasn't. I took 20. You took maybe 12.

No. First of all, got half of it. Second of all, there's no way it's dirty. I gave you the bottom half. I ate the brains. I ate from the ears up. It's the same thing. You're from the mouth down.

No, it's not the same thing because the head was thicker up on fucking top. Yeah, the head was thicker, but the whole thing was green. The cookie was green. That's because that's how they do it for Halloween. The fuck, it's a new chef. The cookie was delicious. Gluten free.

He's looking after you. Eight calories made with stivia. The fuck. You know what I'm saying? This kid's never satisfied. It's like Julius Priest in the first album. That's a good song, never satisfied. They're on tour.

You know, Ray Cannell is coming next week. Oh, yeah. My buddy's coming next week. And he was going to, he goes, you're not going to leave what I'm doing Monday. I go, tell me, because I'm going to see Judas priest in LA. I'm like, oh, my God, that's great. I've seen Judas Priest 10 times

I couldn't go see him now I'd feel so out of place and so fucking old. Yeah. I'd feel older the Judas Priest concert if I was 30 Yeah, but those guys Are you think everybody will be there or be old? Yeah, those guys are going to be 60. Easy. Yep. If I'm 51

fucking Rob Halford's got to be fucking 60. Has to be. How is trick-or-treating? Trick-or-treating was brilliant. I was the Wizard of Oz. No, you weren't. Yes, I was.

I got to see pictures. Mercy was fucking, uh, mercy was fucking darky and my wife was the witch. What fucking didn't get dealing with some fucking novice organization here? How did you dress up as a wizard? Did you have like a wizard hat? I had a hat and a fucking cape.

How do you think a wizard's fucking a fucking show? You buy, you don't buy me a cape? You don't get like a two-for-one cape deal? I got the cape at the house. Check it out. I don't fuck around. Oh, my.

My goodness. We were like, fuck around, Jack. That's the cutest picture I've ever seen. We were posting on fucking Twitter and shit. Oh, my goodness. And she had these shiny shoes on. They were slippery, like the ones I had when I came from Cuba. And I knew she was a gunner.

She was going to take it. Look at the hat I had, see? The Zombo hat with the stars. Oh, no. I had the episode. I still got it. I might drive with it tomorrow. Just go on stage with the fucking cape was mystical.

wearing a cape just gives you this fucking, it gives you this certain fucking, fucking patois. You know, that's what people all motherfuckers don't know. The cape gives you a certain. It adds. Yeah, it adds something to you. Do you, like, whip it around a couple times

like with your arms? No, when you got class and personality. You got at least try it out. You don't need no fucking whip it around like some half of fruitcake and fucking Transylvania. I'm running this fucking game. You know what I'm saying?

Fuck these hos. I'm running this fucking game. I'm not trying to sell the cape. The cape is selling me, bitch. I'm not selling the cape. We're going to have a cape company call us now because that's the best dad I've ever heard for a game. I'm telling you. Fuck yeah.

I don't need to sell this cape. The cape sells me. The cape tells him what the fuck is cracklecking. When somebody sees you with a cape, he thinks two fucking things. This guy's got balls or he's going to fly. That's it. There's no other fucking ending to that. This guy's got balls of steel.

Walking the streets on a Friday night with a fucking cape on. Or he's going to just zoom by the time I go get my hands on. That's all. Where else do you think when somebody has a cape on? Hmm? Anybody else got any fucking ideas here tonight? I've never seen anyone wear a cape. That's the problem.

You've got to get out there more. You're at home. You want to go to 24-hour fitness. That's why you've got to bust the first cape out. You've got to bust the cape. On the elliptical? Right on the elliptical. That'd be just fantastic.

Right next to the fans. So it's fucking tremendous, like Fabio. And then bust out the top. A tuxedo. I would love to. Who's better than you? How much they want to charge you for this tuxedo? It's $200 for the weekend.

No, for fucking life. To go down to the mom? I have no idea. Call them up. Say, listen, I'm going to come down to the mom and write a check. What do you got for me? I want the same fucking tuxedo. I got my nuts wet in it.

I jizzed in the pants. I didn't even want to think about how many people had been wearing that tucks before. So you defa fucking flammate the assholes. Deflammating. You take them to the fucking dry cleaner. And say, listen, some filthy fuck wore these pants with two. years. I want you to take every pubic fucking hair.

Listen, if CSI shows up, they don't know whose asshole is in here. That's how clean I want these fucking pants, all right? CSI. CSI is generally going, and they go, you know what? We can't decipher the Yoda. But by the fucking pituit underwear mixed with the cotton and the

fucking whiff of the pants and the carbon dioxide levels. That's how they blast you. That's asshole? You know, I ain't no fucking wizard, but I tell you what. Actually, I have photo evidence that you all. I'm a fake wizard. I went on one night a year with a hat on big fucking deal. You gotta work hard

to be a wizard, do you'm saying? What if I was walking around with a freaking wizard hat? You'd kill me. You never let me hit the end of it. Well, if you're walking by yourself with that, listen, listen, if you're walking by yourself down the street with a wizard hat, and again, I'm thinking to myself,

either this motherfucker's got balls or he knows something. Yeah, he's going to start shooting. Either way, I'm going to leave him on. I could be Berkowitz's cousin. He's looking for Johnlin's son, you know what I'm saying? Maybe John Lundon's in Sherman Oaks doing a kettlebell class or something. And here I am driving up fucking Sherman Oaks

with the fucking smell of Yoko Ono in the car. That fucking kiss of death, Yoko Ono. I can just imagine what would happen if you put Yoko Ono and fucking Shug Night in the same fucking building. there would be a fire, Martians would attack, a missile would hit them, a fucking satellite

would land on them. There would be a shootout, the fucking triads would show up and slice her fucking neck finally. Why somebody hasn't shot Yoko yet is beyond me, you understand me? Boy, John, is dead and buried. There's nothing but bones

on a beetle arm, some kid slipped in there. And fucking Yoko's still walking around like some fucking struits. Unbelievable, what I got to put up. What up, Lysayette? You're sitting there fucking stone to the guilt. I am.

I had something not weird, but I felt bad about myself on the flight there. Two gay guys sat next to me. And they were fine. The Hindu guy? No, no, this was on the way back, on the way there. And it was a red eye, so everyone was sleeping. And this one guy went to grab his boyfriend's hand, and he touched my leg. And I immediately, my first reaction was to get kind of, like, freaked out.

And I kind of felt bad about myself Like 30 seconds Why? Like if this was a straight guy I wouldn't think he was doing anything And if it was a girl I wouldn't think anything But just because he was gay Like my first reaction

Was just like a bad When I felt bad about myself You did? Well your first reaction They say is your Best reaction correct Yeah The guy touched you

You know you're Jewish You know You're looking at this guy Going this guy's gay He's got some Guitus Maybe I should sue him He'd talk my leg, God knows what could happen.

That would have been a good plan. I don't know, Lee. I don't know what the matter. How many edibles have you had? I don't know. Does it matter? Does it really fucking matter what edibles I had? You're the one that's over there.

You don't see me getting freaked out of fucking, you know, fucking Johnny Flowers touched me. If the guy who sat next to me on the flight here today sat next to you, you'd fucking make them change your seat. You had a Hindu? I did. Was he the gay guy? No. No, he was just smell. So where were you in the middle?

No, I was on the window. I was in the window. I was in the window. There were two guys to the left of me. So left to you. In the same mile. Yeah. And one of them touched you by mistake. Yeah.

And did your dick get around a little bit? No. Tell me the truth. Did your nuts set get hard? Is that why you're upset? Did my nuts set get hard? Something. You know, something must have got you turned on because you had a feeling.

No. It was just a weird first reaction. Which was why you touching my leg? It was like, uh, I don't even know why I did it. Like, I had to think about it afterwards. I don't know. I don't know. Like, it's like the same feeling you get, like, when you see two guys kissing,

it's just like, it kind of feels weird all of a sudden for a second. And like it shouldn't, and that's bad, like I have to work through that. But it's just a reaction. It's like a, just a natural reaction. You know, and I just keep walking. When I see two guys holding the hands, making it, I just put my head down. say a prayer.

Keep walking. It's all you could do. I don't say a prayer for them. I say a prayer for myself. You know what I'm saying? Fucking unbelievable. But this is where we've gone. What are you going to do?

People are free now. Right, no, no, no. And there's nothing wrong with it. It doesn't bother me. I don't give a fuck. I always get gay stewardesses. Oh, yeah. And they're the best.

They always give you extra cookies. They care. They care. Yeah, they're always in a good mood. Yeah. Do you know a lot of them now since you fly a lot? Yeah. You see a bunch of them?

Yeah. I meet a lot of people, man. It's amazing how you see people and they're like, oh, I had you the last time. Yeah, that's cool. You know, I'm about to do three more weeks, but it's funny what I went through. I caught myself the second week of this last three-weeker, and I was burnt out guys. I was fucking burnt out there one week, and I knew what it was, that I had had a week off. I did Brea, New York, and then that one.

week I went to the fucking races. We probably did two podcasts. I did like a set Tuesday and Wednesday at the store and Friday and Saturday at the store and three in fucking Long Beach. It adds up. And I did two podcasts and, you know, two jihisos

and the knee surgery and this and that. Then I went back on the road for a week. And I was like, oh my God, that week I was home. I was supposed to be resting before this three weeker. And it's week one, and I'm fucking dead. Yep. Like, I better put this in fucking overdrive.

And then the second week, I'll leave on Wednesday, and that just fucking killed me. You know, that's just, and then the week after that, I'll leave on Wednesday, and that just fucking killed me again. You know, you have to fly on Wednesday and take a nap and wake up there. Travel days are the worst. But the whole thing is you don't want to fly and then just go right on to stage. You like to fucking relax in the hotel room. Get adjusted.

Get a bowl of soups and crack. Watch a couple hours of fucking law and order. I think he said Ebola soup. No, I'm Ebola soup. Get it together, a cuck sucker. And you want time in between yourself and the comedy. You think about what's happening to decompress a little bit. Yeah.

Getting off a plane, taking a show and going right to a comedy show. It's fucking horrible. Yeah. It's horrible. Your focus will be off that night. And stress. If you miss the flight, if there's any delays. So these are the things that are.

but it's crazy that this week when I came back, I had it planned. I had the week off last week and I couldn't wait because I did two podcasts. We did a live podcast, so we did three. But I also only wanted to do comedy two nights. I took Friday night off because it took a trick-of-treating. But I also find that Friday at 3 o'clock, I'm done, guys. Friday at 3 o'clock, no matter where I am,

there's a point of solitude where I'm like, oh, my God, I got to go out tonight. Saturday, I'm programmed to go out. Yeah, since I was three. You're programmed to fucking go out. And Friday, you should be programmed to go out. But I think after like 37 Fridays were hitting me harder and harder and harder. And by like fucking four years ago, oh, my God, on a Friday night at three in the afternoon, I'm fucking done.

Like, I'm done. Like, I don't try to schedule nothing. You know, I mean, it was fucking craziness. You got to recharge your batteries. You got to do it. You really do. and I learned the balance last week. I fucking slept two days.

The doctor had to give me sleeping pills. And that's why my stress levels were so high. Yeah. Because I was late on and I couldn't shut the fuck off. I don't like that feeling. I stopped the coffee at night, even the decaffeinated done. That shit just fuels the fucking. Absolutely.

No caffeine. Even the decafineated fuels you. So I go to bed without nothing now. Fucking plain, clean and sober. That's it. More water. A little water and a little couple, two hits of things. the tutu-o-o-o-o-o-o-and you're back.

When are you going back to Philly? What's going on with you? I'll probably go back in December right before Christmas because it's too expensive to go for Christmas and then I'm on the road. I'm in Reno, Calgary, Vegas, Seattle. I'm going to stay in town for Thanksgiving just because I don't want to be on a plane for another week.

I'm going to bring your cookies back because I'm going the week before. Oh, nice. To Philly. That plane ticket is fucking expensive. Oh, my God. But, like I told this, I ordered by today. So, listen, I got bad news for you.

It's going to stay like this until January 3rd. Then everything's going to drop. Because who the fuck, you know? We live in times now that, like, this week people are struggling. I went to the weed shop today, and I go, no line. They're like, not this week. It's rent week. It's Bill week.

Yeah. This is dead. I was on Hollywood Boulevard last night. It was like a ghost town. Ghost town. Well, everyone knows that there's Thanksgiving, and there's Christmas and then a Valentine's Day all within a few months.

Everybody's thinking about Valentine's Day. People just trying to put together Christmas right now. Nobody gets a fuck about Valentine's Day. They're like fucking Christmas is coming. We're really three weeks away from Thanksgiving. I know. That's it.

So you basically have five weeks to maneuver. In five weeks, everything shuts down. It doesn't shut. Joey, what the fuck? It shuts down mentally. Yeah. People already walking up their year. They're accepting what happened.

You know what I gained 18 pounds? You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to fucking go to that pie place every day to the 31st. And then start over. And then I'm joining fucking Tai Chi school and ballet. You know, whatever the fuck it is. I used to do that all the time. I have like a little blowout before a diet started and then the diet.

And then you mess it up like you have something at midnight the night before. Like, oh, tomorrow's ruined. I have to wait until next month. Monday now because I can't start on the Tuesday because that's crazy. I used to make all those excuses. No, it's really weird how that's it. Once the fucking Halloween holiday passed

by Sunday you were already seeing Thanksgiving and Christmas commercials. Oh yeah, I was in CVS on Halloween during the day candy was 50% off and they were taking it out. They used to let it sit in there for days to blow it out. Nope. 50% off the Christmas decorations are already

up where there was a scarecrow This is on the 31st. They had a snowman. They had Santa Claus. I bought the M&Ms that were normally $4.39 a bag for $1.88. I turned around and the whole display was gone. They were taking it out on the back. Already, the Christmas stuff is already up at Ralph's.

It's up at CBS. It's already Christmas. It's already. That's it. And people, after the sixth, the eighth, you have the Christmas party. You've got your cousin's party. You got your stomachi's party. You got this guy's party.

You're eating cookies. that's it in your mind when you go to work you're there physically but mentally you're putting together the fucking recipes and you're putting together the pool for the New Year's Eve game and all that bullshit you know it's amazing what happens to people I say holiday weeks that's why I hate those Monday off because those people only go to work Monday

they get enough done to cover Monday and they know that after that they're on the computer looking at fucking flannel shirts We're going to go fishing LLB. Yeah, LLB. Is it weird for you guys Being out here

And not having a snowy Christmas Because Hanukkah doesn't matter Like I never but Is it a weird thing like palm trees During Christmas time for you guys? It was for me at first Yeah, it was at first You guys don't know what Christmas is

So you live in California Especially if you're used to something I was used to nothing. I spent Christmases at bars. I didn't want to go to Christmases, and they wouldn't be around people. It reminded me too much of family, and it hurt too much.

So I would go someplace where it wouldn't remind me. Lee would be at a bar, you know, those dingy neighbor bars in Jersey, where the owner cooks lasagna, if you're coming on Christmas Day, I would do that and watch a football game. I may believe I was interested, but I really wasn't interested.

It was six or seven years after my mom died. I didn't want to be around people, opening a presents and saying, I love yous and all that shit, so I would go to bars. But for a guy like yourself that you celebrated Christmases with people, let's face it,

Christmas out here, sucks dickly, sucks dick. You know, you have a girlfriend now, you're going to spend it with her, you're going to wake up fucking Christmas Day and hug her, and the grandma's going to make your fucking tamales and shit,

and hopefully she'll get your robe, and you get it whatever fuck, you're going to get it. But don't be a jack-off. and get her a wedding and engage in a room. No, no, not for a while. This fucking guy went to a wedding. It's all emotional. He's on the phone with Israel.

Sending my bond money from the from the Hitler Payback Fund. They give very family like $2,200 a year if they don't touch the fucking Hitler payback fund. They did it to black people, right? Black people sued white people, right? I don't think so. I don't think it's been reparations.

It's supposed to be. For reprimands. Reparations. Reparations. reparations, yes. The Jews said, listen, we want to sue Germany for reparations. You know, that's what they should do. What are we talking about? We're talking about something like Christmas.

Christmas. That's amazing. You don't know what loneliness is to you wake up Christmas Day here. That's the worst. You got stofers, lasagna in the fucking oven, and you're used to your mother's stuff. You know, I can't. Me, like I said, for me, it still hurts a little bit. I was telling my wife the other day, I looked straight, and I go, if I, to get you a plane ticket to go home.

Do you want to go home and come back on the 28th and spend New Year's here, but go, because it's not about me, it's about that baby. Yeah. I wanted to see snow. I wanted to sit with eight people on a fire pole. What's you going to do here? Yeah.

What's you going to do here? Go to somebody, huh, I'm over to watch USC. I don't know what you at sea. I want to sit around and eat some fucking smelts. Smelts, that's old school Christmas Eve. Yeah, that's old school Guinea. Day night.

You went over the night before. Seven fish. Seven fishes. Maybe after that I'll drop by Lee's house. Is that what it was? Is it a Catholic-Italian thing, fish? Yeah, on Christmas Eve. Because my dad's friends were Italian Catholics,

and we went over every year. And every year a different cousin was Santa. And they didn't shave, and it was awesome. And they had, like, meatballs and ravioli. It was the best. I got Christmas without being Christian. It was the most amazing thing ever. There's really no tightness.

unless you have Mexican friends. Yeah. That's it. That's the tightness. They're the ones that like Maryland. Today, by the way, is seven years of Maryland's death. It's also Rick Ramoos' birthday.

That fucking spruits. I got to get him a call. Yeah, I got to give him a call to the poor fucking lay. How do you feel? You're fucking struits. You got to the movies, you got to put an extra seat between your shit in case the shooting makes a comeback.

It's not shooting up the movie looking for Batman's cousin. We still got it here on the church of what's happened now. Where's fucking Tony Bennett, cuck, sucker? It's a beautiful night here. Relax, grab some wine, do what you need to do. I don't give a fuck. You want to stick around, stick around.

I know you got shit to do. I want to be around to pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks your... Some somebody Twice as smart As I Somebody who swear to be Can't believe someone texted you, Joey

This fucking savage Keep texting me for some reason That's it, who the fuck knows anymore? We just show up, we eat a cookie And life goes on, you know what I'm saying? Steve, Steve, so I know? How excited are you? You call your mom and tell you you're releasing your first CD

on the flying jewel label. She loves Lee. That Lee sounds like a sweetie. Oh, Lee's the fucking master disaster. Look at a Muslim... The master disaster. With a little green shirt on looking fucking tremendous. I had to take the yarmick off

because my head was getting too hot. What was in that cookie? Oh, death. That's what Joey would say. What are you got to do? You gotta, you know, you gotta get stoned. It's Monday night.

You're gonna show people with no fucking bullets in your gun. This fucking guy goes to a wedding doesn't even bring a fucking little high for himself to go to the bathroom to meet a gummy bear so he's goofing on everybody. My mom was there. Who gives a fuck? You go there, you sit next to your mom, you'll see shit you never saw before. You eat a little

fucking gummy bear next to a little half. She'll never notice it. Why are your eyes rarely? I don't know I got fucking bagel fucking onions in my eyes. I don't fucking know what's the wrong. I'm an adult, ma. Shit happens. What's with the fucking questions? No more religious pictures. No more religious pictures.

Casino, Cucson. Oh, okay. Right? Casino? Good fellas. Good fellas. No more religious pictures. Yeah. You got to eat. You have ten gummies at the house, three pounds of weed, and you go to a wedding like a fucking moot.

Well, I'm still scared of bringing you on the plane. I got that little thing in my suitcase. Your bag has been checked by TSA. They open it, look around, and close the fucking thing for the 80th time. I don't know. You don't get scared? What are you scared? I don't know.

What are you scared? First of all, the gummy bishops be in your pocket. You rip the label right off. You eat half of it and you put the other half

right in the fucking security bucket. I had some hard asses in Albany today. They made me take my belt off. That's what they do everywhere. No, but I never take the belt up.

They pat it down the pockets. Sure. You have to raise your arms. So if you have the gummed in your pocket? They fucking, they fucking checked on the armpit. No, I didn't fuck with me,

cock suck. They made you raise your arm up and they tickle You do as a TSA. You just tickle people. You put the gummy right in the fucking security basket. If you take the label off it... It just looks like candy. It just looks like candy.

You fucking... Why does America make everything tough and what the fuck it really is? What do you mean? Everybody gets to smuggle it. Put it right in front of them. You know, every day people shoot people and they get caught.

The dumbest people were the best hitmen. Those are the Italian. guys, shot people for years, drew them, buried them in the middle of the night. When was the last time you read that four fucking guys got pinched, burying a body of four in the morning? You've never read that.

No. You go to Vegas. There's a thousand bodies buried out there. Go to Jersey into the Middle Lens. They're all bodies. Those are cemeteries out there. Four people take to bury somebody. You got to dig a hole in fucking two hours. That fucking floor is fucking old.

You just don't show up with shovels and everybody's just starts. Four out of shape people, that takes six hours to bury your fucking body, throw chlorox on top of them, some fucking lie, some cement, put it water it down, put fucking shit on top of it, and then bury it

and nobody finds you. Have to mix it in. That takes fucking ten hours to bury somebody. Unless you already got the whole dug, you know, so you show up there with the whole dog and the body and now, put to stand there with the body for ten fucking hours in the trunk of the car while you bury.

That's horribly. How would we get on this subject? I have no idea. Why would you bring this shit up? The fuck isn't mind. We're talking about Maryland being dead. And now you want to bring this up. It's amazing that Maryland, like 10 days before she died on a Tuesday or something.

So the Sunday before was when she told me to stop doing blow. Wow. I stopped doing blow maybe three or four days before Maryland died. Like that weekend. I went to Jersey. Maryland died on a Wednesday. I went to Jersey on a Thursday night. And Thursday I went back to my hotel room.

And I didn't know why. I was staying at a different hotel. And I was going to see a lot of weird people. And I thought something cute was going to happen. Like, I have a gut feeling in the stomach. So when I went there Thursday night, my friend picked me up, drove me there. I smoked a joint with her outside.

She left. And I just took a shower. And I was mild madden. I had snorted in L.A. the night before. Rowland had told me that Sunday. So that Thursday, I didn't get high. Didn't that Friday? I thought about getting high.

But something. I didn't want to be high because the show was Saturday night. I was doing a benefit for cops in Hoboken. And I was doing the high school, the basketball team, they get jerseys. Oh, that's great. So the one show was at 6, near one was at 9. Perfect.

So Friday night, I said, you know what? I'm not going to snark out of night. And about two, I wanted to get out. I was like, oh, I can make a call. I'm like, oh, let me just go to bed. I was staying in the Seac Caucus. So it was away from everybody. That's why I didn't trust it.

Then that Saturday, I did the benefit for the cops. And then I went to the high school thing. And at the high school thing, one of my buddies yelled something stupid in the audience about like a robbery or something. and I could see how fucking coked up he was. He couldn't even control himself. Like he was drawn and shit.

It was the bottom of a basement. And I looked at him and I go, you know what? That's why I look like snorting coke. I'm not snorting coke tonight. So when I got off that plane on Sunday, when Marilyn died that Saturday, that's when she died. That Saturday, and they were going to bury her Wednesday. And the wake was Wednesday, everything.

It wasn't even a wake. I just remember going to the church Yeah, we all went to the church So they buried on a Wednesday Because I used to go to Campo Karate thing You're right, Wednesday was when we fucking buried it We went to the church And then we did the thing at the comedy store that night

Yeah So by the time I got to the comedy store I was six nights clean with no blow So I got there Sunday night I didn't do blow On purpose or just by asking Just the way things worked out Just the way things worked themselves out

Right And then, so I got back that Sunday, and I didn't do blow. Maryland had died, and I don't know. Something just didn't hit me, right? The way she told me, I won't do blow until Monday. Monday was always my night. Okay. I love getting blasted on Monday nights.

I had heroin left at the house. My buddy had sent me a little bit of fucking heroin. I had some heroin. And I'm like, you know what, fuck it. I didn't get high for a few days. I feel good tomorrow nights. I'll do a little heroin, a little fucking blow. Couldn't get myself to do it.

I got a call to do a movie. And the people call, like, in the morning, and they say, you're interested? And I go, fuck, yeah, I did the table read. I've been bugging the fucking people for 18 months. Now you fucking call me? And they're like, there's only a problem. It's not going to be a big budget movie.

You're probably going to get $100 a day, but you're going to work 20 days. Are you all right? What did I go, fuck yet? And they said, here's the other problem. There's no days off. Except a Thursday for Thanksgiving. I said, okay.

And they said, and something else. We know about your problem. So do not agree to this movie unless you control it. And I'll tell you why. Because the movie's getting shot in one room. So everybody is in every scene. It's not like Lee's not going to come until 10 because he pours coffee.

They either shoot one half of the room or the other half of the room. That's the way the whole movie was. Wow. The whole movie was shot in one room. That's why it was so cheap to make. So you couldn't miss. So the guy goes, we understand. your dilemma, we

sympathize with you? The guy was really nice. And then I called somebody else and I go, hey man, this guy just offered me this, this is what they said to me. He goes, Joey, you know, people know. This is a quick movie and they can't risk you being

fucking high and not showing up or showing them 30 minutes late. Right. So I thought about it, I thought how embarrassing that was. Yeah. And somebody would have to mention that to me. Yep. If you take this movie, you can't fucking get high. And I said, you know what?

Just because somebody knows, I'm going to fuck these motherfuckers up the ass. I'm not going to get high. I'm going to do this. Wow. So it was almost like rehab. It was like the Lord working in a mysterious way. Because you were already clean for a week. I had five days clean or six days clean.

And the night that I went to the comedy store caused all that problem, there was no night I wanted to get higher more than that night. But I felt so bad. I was so overwhelmed with a anger. Yeah. But I go, the coat would just

take me somewhere else. I didn't get high that night. And then that Thursday, I was going to start shooting that Friday. And when did Superbad happen? Superbad happened that week. Super bad. In fact, I hugged Superbad today.

What a week. And I told my wife, I go, hey, this week is we've had Superbad for a fucking seven years. And he goes, how do you remember? I go, Marilyn died today. So it was either last night or a night before When DJ died first

Yeah We had a Siamese cat that was fucking beautiful That was their brother That was Superbad's brother And those two girls' sister And he played with Lulu He was always kitten mates with Lulu And Evie was always kiddmates with Superbad

So the one that I loved the most Out of that litter was DJ DJ was Jimmy Jr. And Jimmy Jr. at that small size, would pick up a tennis ball with his teeth and bring it to you. It was fucking genius. He was a kitten. Wow.

He was four weeks. He would pick up that little fucking thing, and he would jump up in the air, try to jump, and he'd spin around, he'd fall over. He was just a goofball that was grown. But he was a genius. I'd come out, and I'm going to go, DJ, DJ, and he'd fucking come running.

And he'd come running, and you pet him, and he purr. And his sister would come over, and none of them would let you touch your only DJ. But Superbad would always stand in the corner. Out of all his cats, he was the father. My wife tried to befriend him, fuck you. I tried to befriend him, fuck you would run. And he would take DJ and make him climb up the tree to hunt the birds and the fucking garage. And I used to hate him.

I go, so this motherfucker don't come to me. He don't get my food. He won't pay. Then he takes this guy into bad influence. And if he does something to DJ, I'm going to fucking kill him. Like, I started not liking this fucking Superbad cat. I'm like, I don't fucking like this motherfucker. I would go out there and DJ, and sometimes he would take a little longer.

And all of a sudden he'd come back black with the other fucking cat. There was somewhere where they weren't supposed to be. And I go, we're fucking stupid bad, whatever had you. I didn't even call him Superbad then. I just called him my shithel or something, fucko or something. And then one day I'm like, Superbad, you bad mother. the fucker, get the fuck out of here. So when all that went down

that week, I was sober, I don't even know, maybe like a day. Who the fuck knows? Yes, because it was before I went to New York. Because when I was in New York, I kept calling the house, going out of the cats. It was right around that week when

I came home and I had a package. I had a package. And that was probably the last time I snorted. It was before I went to New York. Thank you for bringing that up. Boy, it was that Wednesday. Because I came home with a fucking package

and a half. I did it like somebody's gig on a Wednesday. You know, seven years ago on a Wednesday night, there were eight gigs you could do. Yeah. You know, a fly, I had the Latin Casill, Latina, and this guy. So I would just go out and pick up 160 bucks and go to my boys

and spend 60 and get the packet Supreme. Yeah. You know, fuck the taco. I was getting the Burrito Supreme on Wednesday night. And as I fucking, now, usually whenever I did the blow in the garage, I would do a little bit and then run upstairs, and Terry would be out cold. So it would just

be me and the cats. I'd stay in the bathroom. I'd jerk off. I'd do a couple more lines. I'd come a little bit. I'd get paranoid, then I'd go out there and walk you on the computer. Well, this particular night, when I walked in, Terry's light was hot. I'm like, oh, fuck. So she comes down. She said,

before you open the door, DJ's in there, he's dying, and so is super bad. I just don't want him to die outside. And I was like, are you fucking, what are you talking about? And she goes, their legs roll up. That means the anemic or something when they're, the anemia. And I fucking run inside, and I fucking, they're both just like, you know, they're barely alive, you know,

and I start pissing and doing the blow, and then I tell her they go to sleep, you know, and I start doing the blow. I would go in there every 20 minutes and I do a line and I pet the little one DJ I think I reached for Superbad a couple times like you little motherfucker

who's the boss now bitch you know and I did a bunch of coke and went to sleep and that night she woke me up like at 6.30 in the morning and she goes just to let you know DJ's dead and I looked and I go just close the door and I go fuck it good boy and I go no I can't have two kids

cats die up here. I got up and I got on my hands and knees and pet him and I prayed to God. I prayed to fucking every God I knew to please save this motherfucker. I couldn't let him die in my house. I'm not going to keep him. I ain't fucking keep this guy. You know, and I went to get the

oatmeal cookies and as I was sitting there giving him crumpled up oatmeal cookies. That's the only thing he would eat. He would barely just take his mouth and eat it. He was just, that's it. A little bit of water. I put water in my finger. He would lick my finger. And it was the weirdest thing because I thought about how if I wouldn't,

I knew I wanted to quit the blow. I knew that Maryland had already read me to fucking ride at. I knew this. I knew it had to stop. I knew that I was doing heroin. I knew that the back of my neck was hurting at night. I would get shocks in the back of my neck. Like those people that jolted, like I was getting shocks.

My spine was hurting a little bit. At towards the end of the night, my spine would hurt in bed. It wasn't going to be good. This was not going to end good, guys. So something had to change. And the first thing I thought about when I was in the floor giving him the cookies was, I brought that poison into this fucking house. Let's face it.

Let's be fucking honest for everybody here. This cat was on the fence. And me bringing that imbalance, that torment, that impurity into that house, took him over the fucking top. That's my thinking. That was my thinking at that time. And I said, you know what, while this cat is rehabbing,

I'm not going to bring that shit up here. And that was the first time I really believed myself. Wow. Like usually you tell yourself, come on the gym, I'm going to lose 80 pounds. Fucked out, I'm going to eat this cake. Like, I believed it. Like, I was like, it's not, he's not going to die.

So I have to snort coke somewhere else. Better yet, I'll still come over here with the coke in my system. I won't snort. And that's when I said, you know what, If this fucking animal lives, I'll never do cocaine again. Whoever the guy's running the show, it could be a Chinese guy, Buddha, it could be fucking Farrakhan's nephew, some big fat black guy. It could be an Italian-looking motherfucker with a beard who's ever running the show.

I'm making you this promise as a man that, you know what, I've done blow for 30 years. I'm 44 years old. John Gotti was 45 when they took over the Gambinos. Maybe if I fucking stopped doing coke right now, something good will happen in my life. So if you could help me, God, and save this cat, I'll never do coke again. And I remember walking out of the bathroom and really believing that. Like, really fucking believing. Like, all the times I said, that's it, that's the last line, you know.

That time there when I walked out of that bathroom. And it was scary how much I believed it that I was ready to go out and do coke. Wow. Do you follow me? The line I tread, and all of a sudden, the movie came. All of some, Maryland's weight came. Awesome, all these tough things got thrown at me. Yeah.

Boom, boom, boom, to test it. How bad do you want? And it was 10 days of hell plus this movie. And I said, you know what? This is what I'm made of. This is what I'm made of. Once I get a call from producer, and he's telling me, we know about your drug problem. You're going to be like Michael, this guy.

You're going to be just like those people. That guy. When people mention your name, they're going to go, he's great, but the last time on the set, he was eating pills and falling asleep in his trailer, and we can wake him up one morning. and that's going to be the decisive thing. All you need is one voice against you at every fucking one of those things.

And you're going to lose 50% of the jobs plus your credibility for what? To do Coke, something that's already been done for 20 fucking years. I couldn't get no more mileage out of it. I had gotten my dick sucked. I got Coke blown in my ass with a straw. Coke rocks in my pee-hole. I had robbed my friends. I robbed my family.

I lost my dignity. I went to prison over it. How much more fucking blow could I fucking do? What is the problem? purpose of this. Where's it going to go? And I believed myself that I was fucking done with the Coke. And that was it. And that cat lived. So this morning, when I remember Marilyn, I picked him

up and I hugged him. He jumped on me. And ever since that day, a good friend of mine, what's the red-headed comedian at the store? Older guy hung out with Kennison, those guys. Shows up once a year with Jimmy Schubert. One day we were shooting a short film. He was telling me that

when he was in college, he had taken a class of psychology. class and the semester they studied cats. And he was overwhelmed about what he found out about cats, that they had a ton of gratitude, that they showed gratitude. And I thought he was, I looked at him like, all right, whatever. And from Superbad, I'm telling you that every day after that,

he always gave me a little bit extra attention. Till this day, Terry always says, get your stinky cat out of here. Because everybody knows that's my fucking cat. He knows I made that promise. That's why I love him as much as I do, Because he knows. He knows every day. I was in that room with him

on my hands and knees, give him those oatmeal cookies. And now he would look at me and just want to say, you know what? Let me die. That's what he was saying. Just let me die, dog.

I don't need this shit. I'm on that jungle with fucking fleas. I got my sister chasing me with her stinky fucking ass. And I got both girls and I got super bad today. That's great. And then my favorite pack.

Dimmie and Harry are tight. I love Dimmie and Harry. They're my boys. Oh, Jimmy and Harry too, yeah. But those. three, I've always stolen my heart. But it's funny because Superbad bugs you like every, like, at least once

when I'm over there. You're like, Superbad! I'm going to kick you. Because Superbad always attacks Harry. But it's funny because I picked up Demi, Ali, and Harry were all kittens. At the same time, they were from different moms. But they were all on that,

they all had the same father. Ali, Harry, and fucking Demi all had the same father. So they were Well, Demi and Harry are brothers Yeah Ali's their sister

But from a different chick That was in the yard A gold, beautiful Siamese A pretty eyes If you look at Ali She's beautiful She's just gained weight In her lady years

But she's fucking beautiful You know what I'm saying She's like fucking You know Any chick now What's 70 What's going on I hear you got a woman

Yeah, it's all right You got mustard What's this all right Like shaving it off Like Henry home It's all right That story is just amazing Because to me that story is just about love

And how God works in mysterious ways No hugs, no I never looked back I never ever Ever have looked back and go wow I want to do a line I know that if I broke that promise It would be a man promise

It's nothing to do with God Or it's a day that you just wake up And make a promise to yourself And every day that I live from that promise It just makes me stronger because I made that promise is that much strong right stuck to it well look how beautiful your life is now yeah it's amazing because of that night all that promise opened up so many fucking opportunities you know it's really if you had told me this 10 years ago I told you you're crazy what's up with you cuckuck

are you gonna make a promise not to eat edibles no no because you wouldn't let me do it but like you did cook for it like 30 years something like that how many years do you think you were you you enjoyed it. Like, it seemed like at the end he would feel like sick of it. I think the first 10 years I really enjoyed the... So 20 years?

Yeah. God. It just became a part of my life. It was like, all right, this is what you wanted. We're going to give it to you. Yeah. And every opportunity you have,

two days into it, somebody's going to show up with Coke. I always knew where they get caught. I could find Coke. I know a small city, in a big city, at a bar, at a restaurant, at a fucking. In toilet, I could find cocaine.

And within two days, I could find who was selling pounds. Wow. And I knew how I could rob them already. So I got all these options thrown at me. It was just, it was one of the worst situations ever. It was like somebody to a curse on me. You want to do blow? Okay, we're going to let you do blow.

You're going to do some fucking blow, though. Yeah. That's crazy. You said that at the beginning of the podcast. Be careful what you wish for. That's crazy. Sometimes you go, let's give some shout-outs here. What are you looking at me like a fucking...

I gave you a beautiful shirt from New Zealand. Oh, yeah. My main man, Mel Pryor, sent that he sent two T-shirts. He sent some candy from my wife. That sounds fucked up, but whatever. And he sent a beautiful teddy bear from my daughter. I want to thank him all away from fucking New Zealand. They're beautiful shirts, beautiful designs.

Duncan McGregor, you bad motherfucker. Caesar Flores, John Michaels, Johnny Fun Buckets, Givork, Kevin, Ballyan, Where do the hell? Then Gavork, Kevin, Bajian. I don't know what the fuck's going on there. Goyork and then Bavlian. How did Kevin come into this fucking thing?

And my main man, Tyler Persiva, whatever. You're a bad motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? Tell me about the evolution of the CD. How long have you been? Has this been in the works? Since I got started, I would say, pretty much. 14 years? Pretty much.

It's 14 years worth of figuring out. That's why your first album is always the best. Any band, your first time, is always the best, because they've been working at that for eight, nine years. That's the sound they've been perfecting. Yeah, that's what, and I always thought somebody was going to come along and put me on TV and go, here's your special. And I thought the machine would make it happen, whatever it is.

And that never happened. You know what I mean? And that's what I love about podcasting and your help and Lee's help, and we got this thing out there. And now I can show the world like, this is what I do. This is what I do. It's amazing what the expectation is of people, what my expectation was when I got it.

here what my expectation was of each movement that I made because okay I don't know how to describe in Lee's world I know how to describe the criminal element I know I know that uh you know let's say you you sell coke right you sell coke every fucking day and you saw a certain amount I don't even know how to break this fucking down and then every once in a while you make a move you sell two kilos to somebody and end up making 30 35,000 or something like that. Now, what do you do with that 35,000 is the main thing? Do you throw it under your fucking carpet and go out every night and buy clubs and pick up chicks or whatever?

Or do you buy a business to get yourself out of the predicament you're in so you don't have to sell below no more? The same thing happens with this career. I always thought that once you did something, you were going to have all this shit to happen. And then a wise man told me that everything in this city has. happens in layers. You might do this CD, it's 2013. What was you? What was it? 2014.

In 2017, some guys putting together a show, like a reality show and you're like, why am I in here? I bought your CD, I heard about it from a friend of mine, and I've been laughing, I've taken it on trips, I bought it for 10 of my friends.

You are the funniest man in the world, and you're like, I made no money, nobody ever said nothing to me. Nobody ever called me and now you're offering me 11 episodes on a reality show. This is what they do. I was going through a truck stop and I seen you a CD and I bought it.

Whatever the fuck. It layers. And you don't know when that investment is going to make a dividend. But you're not going to know unless you make the investment and you make it correctly. Yep.

So if you have, you also on a Gabriel show two weeks ago, okay. You know, little things become big things. Little things are what you make them. I'm sure you want an HBO special. Right, sure.

But for right now, Gabriel Laces and his bad ass, motherfucker. He's a saint. Watch you do a saint, don't love with you. The same way in his room is falling in love with you. And he put you on his TV show. It's going to be viewed by a million fucking people. Yeah, I can't thank him enough. So now, your decision is what you do next with this move. You just got a move line on you.

you're alive. Do you fucking sit at home and dance? Do you go on the fucking road? That's it. Do you, now you're going to sell this CD, you're going to push DCD to give that. That was only a three, four minutes set. Right. So it's amazing how things all happen come together. Things are coming together. Yeah, absolutely. Sometimes you, listen, man, for somebody like Steve Brown, I bumped into him with a sweetheart of a guy. He's the best. I'm going to contact him, get him on the podcast. Steve's a sweetheart of a guy. Things happen for me, I had a TV show on the air. When I saw that happen, I knew that I knew that I was one step closer.

Absolutely. Okay, because one of your friends are making, and this is how you have to look at it. For sure, I do. About a month ago, you and I had a conversation on the way home. We stopped on 7-Eleven. Yeah. You didn't feel when things were moving along,

and I went home that night and giggled. And I did something I never fucking do because I learned a very important lesson. I woke my wife up. Wow. And I told her exactly what happened. Wow. I said, tonight, she goes,

what's my head? You know, when I was driving Steve home. he we pulled over 7-11 he was frustrated I felt this frustration and the whole time I'm feeling this frustration I'm laughing inside

because it reminded me of somebody and Steve was a gentleman about it when I used to get frustrated over a role or what wasn't happening for me why I wasn't going to Montreal why

why I don't have a booking agent why did I have CAA why is nothing happening why is nothing happening at the same time there was movement And I go home and yell at the cats or I'd call somebody and tell me to go fuck themselves or whatever. And she'd say, oh, this for nothing over this.

If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. You're working on the results will come in. You know, I remember saying, what the fuck do you talk about? What did you get down? Good morning America? What the fuck. The more angry you get, the more. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's somebody trying to show your love. It's amazing that I told you, it's going to be fine. I know so many people who have been here 15 years, and they're still where they are. when you see him, man, I'm still trying to get into the comedy store. I'm putting my tape together in your life. Yeah, oh, God. You could have jumped into an ocean,

swam around the world like Diane Nyad, and made a bigger name for yourself. Yep. You're over here still fighting that battle, and because of that, it's not going to let you grow. Vinnie Curlowe won't fucking talk to me because a couple weeks ago he showed up at the store and he kept asking me, who do I talk to to to get spots?

Vinny, I don't know. I just got him myself. Right. Well, who would put me up tonight? I don't know. Talk to the people on the fucking boot. Yeah, talk to the guy in the shirt. Well, I did.

They say, I got to get a reference. Will you give me a reference? I go, Vinny, I don't know nobody here. Right. You know, I'm a fucking guest. This belongs to youth. I'm a guest. And if I'm a guest, you're a fucking stranger.

Yeah. Because I fucking put my, well, my name is on the fucking wall. Yeah, because you made a reclusive. I don't know what happened. Right. Him and Mitzie guy. I don't know what the fuck happened, but it's amazing that he was still mad about the store.

Right. Like, I got to talk to Paul, you know. And by this conversation, you could have done 15 spots at the Ha-ha. Sure. If you really, really wanted to do comedy. By all this. There's always a stage.

All this negativity, you're not getting on stage. There's a million stages. All right, they don't give me spots there. James Sall is a fucking punk. He won't give me spots. What about the improv? Bud Freeman, so nobody gives you a spot. Right there, you're 0 and 3.

maybe somebody trying to tell you something when you're on fucking three I was one and two I did spots at the improv at the comedy store he didn't like me fine Right Today is a different fucking story

But 15 years ago He didn't like me And I understood it Right You know some people like cream in their coffee That's it Some people like black coffee Not to get you off

That's what I love about comedy That's just a flavor for everybody I took my wife to that place yesterday You recommended Which one? Mombo Oh what did you think I gave it a nine

A nine? A nine? I don't know always get so nervous when I recommend food to you. The fucking Mombo platter. What's Mombo? It's a beautiful Cuban restaurant. 215 minutes from me.

That's why you should throw kettlebells. What do you get? I got the Mabo platter. I got the Encelada of Alacati, which is avocado salad with lettuce and raw onions. Oh, nice. We're bringing in oil on top. Jesus Christ.

I didn't order no bread, no butter. Yep. All right. I got the combo platter, which is fried bananas, paparinas, Cuban empanadas, which I forgot what the fucking. They look like, fuck all this shit you get out of here. And sausage.

Spanish sausage with some crackers and shit. Opened up with that. And then we got the Cuban pork, which I gave us eight. It's not what we're used to. It's not very traditional, but I get it. Right. But what stole my soul was the ground beef, the Picario with the white rice. My wife got that.

It was off the fucking chain with some fried bananas. We split the flan. We went on. all out. We split the fucking food. I'm glad you liked it. Tremendous. Tremendous. I get better. I feel like I'm vouching for someone when I offer you food. It's kidding. Yeah, I'm like, oh God, what place?

And I'm going through the Roller X. Way better than that place in Burbank. Oh, wow. Way better. Well, uh, it's fresh. It's new. You can tell that they play music. And it's a family there. It's a family. It's three generations. They're always watching you eat. They come over. They're from fucking, oh, I didn't know that.

Jersey. Yeah, I talked to the kid. Oh, I knew that. Because I started talking Spanish. Wonderful. I'm dropping pingation. He goes, how's your meal and pingao? That means it showed up with a big dick and angry. The guy looked at me like, what?

That's right, motherfuckers. You guys, I put you in check. The fried bananas were so good, right? That's what I loved most. Perfect. How do you make good fried bananas? They're just perfect. They're not greasy.

They're not hot. They're salty. You know, a little sticky. They're fucking delicious. It was just delicious. The potato balls were fucking fuck porthos. that shit. Really? The bread of the poros? Oh, Jesus. I'm so glad.

The croquettas were delicious. Two croquettas. Dude, it was Jay Davis turn me onto that spot. The fucking Cuban food had the meat in the middle, but the outside was corn flakes. Like the way they make Chewis and Chewis in Houston and Austin. They make the Elvis

chicken on Wednesday nights. Good, googly, moogly. Good, googly-moogly. And they put fucking cornflakes on that motherfucker. Sounds delicious. I could go for a chewy sour cream and chicken enchilada right now. That's the special on Mondays. With a swirl margarita and some chips and fucking queso like a motherfucker. Chips and cheese.

You have no idea. You'd be sweating profusiously. I already am. Your shirt would be open. Your head would be on fire. You'd have a napkin. You'd be hitting it like the fucking, I don't even know like who. You're excited?

You look good? You have a mustache, the new fucking... You look like the guy that's... hung out with fucking Trevolta and sent out. You're happy? Now you're a pig. Now you're a pig. So great. That was a fucking crazy movie.

So good. It's crazy. I was thinking because I've been working with Steve for almost a year, close to it. And I thought to myself a few weeks ago that basically where he is now is where you were almost when I met you. And from your lips to God's ears. Maybe like maybe a few years ahead, because maybe a little bit more touring. But it was right at the beginning. His bad is doof.

And I know you were frustrated and you signed up to be a car dealer. That's what I was doing a couple weeks ago. I was looking at jobs like, oh, what else could I do? But now it seems to be lining up. And you gave me that great pep talk. You remember I wasn't happy with stuff I was recording. You were like, just get it out there. And that's been the lesson that God, the universe, whatever,

you don't need to be perfect to be loved. Just get something out there. Give them a little taste and let it build. It doesn't need to be perfect right out of the gates But I think you did a great job on this Lee I can't thank you enough I'm proud of it This is the first thing I've done

Where I want everybody to listen to it I want them to check it out I go this is It captured that moment It captured what it was like For a night of me headlining a club It's kind of scary But it's nerve-wracking

When you're gonna show something For me when I'm showing anyone To work I did for them So I'm glad you like it And I'm glad R-A said he liked it So it's Especially for comedians because I get asked a lot if I want to do comedy

and I just, I don't think I'm anywhere It's just not for me But I've always enjoyed it I can't do that right now But I don't, like I don't want People complain a lot about editors For specials or whatever I just, I don't want to be a

You can make a killing You could make a killing If that's what you wanted to do You can make a killing You got a no comedy to cut it Yeah and very few people do I know that comic listen When those people ask me

I was going to do a special and I asked the director to come see me at the ice house. And he said to send me a tape. I knew the guy wasn't real. I was done. I was done right there because that was, that's how a real guy sees. And then after he goes to see me, then he'll come in with a camera tape and take it back to his office. Right. And he'll see the differences.

But at first, before you agree to sign on with me, come see me. You'd be crazy if you're a director, wouldn't you? And you'd say, I got a horror script for you, Lisa. I have. First of all, I don't know you, Joey. Who are you? Well, Steve Simone wrote he wrote the office. Okay. I'm going to sign on. Really? Lee? You didn't even look at the fucking script? Yep. So that's how I knew. And this guy

said to me, no, I have plans. Really? You have plans for all four fucking shows. And Thursday and the podcast on Wednesday. All four. You're a busy fucking guy, aren't you? But you're sitting here eating fucking lunch with grease on your fingers. Trying to shake my hand and wiping your fucking fingers. And that's how you know. He's real. Somebody's not. Lee will go watch you perform.

Yep. And he'll say one thing to you. Listen, man. If you get advice from, if you bomb, and you get advice from Lee, and you get advice from a fucking 10-year comic, you're going to get two different things. And you don't think Lee's crazy, but Lee's going to tell you one thing that makes sense. Because in the end of the

day, he's an audience member. Yes. He's an audience member. So every time I go out with Lee, I wouldn't do this to anybody else. I go, Lee, what did you think? And he'll tell me very honestly what he thinks. I didn't like This needs work. This is okay.

That was funny. When did you write that? You asked me, where'd you write that? Why'd you write that? What made you think of that? And that right there, those questions, make sure he wants to know, oh, I got that. I'll put that somewhere else because you told me that you got, you know. Yes.

And that's what people do at any level. You can't do a $10,000 performance, a $10,000 job with a $10 performance. Right. It shows. It shows at the end of the day. And with comedy, Rogan called the other day. And he said he asked about specials when we're talking. And they said he went to a taping that the production team was shit.

And he goes, you could tell it the production team were like a cut. Like it was the C team. Gotcha. They got the C team because they didn't want to pay or something like that. You know, and you could see the difference. The differences. You know, whatever's, and the cameras. Listen, the camera's a camera.

Everybody's selling you the red dot. The red camera, yeah. I got a red camera cost $32,000. We'll shoot you a special with that. It's enough or nothing. Everybody's got that fucking same camera, right? Yeah. And I got a friend of it costs $31,000, so you got beat, bitch.

What's up, Lisa? You're bad motherfucker? Nothing. What's on the plans this week? What are your plans? So your wife moved? Yeah, she's up here now. Did you go over that time?

No, no, no, I was fucking tired. What are you waiting for? She got food in the refrigerator? No, not yet. She had food. She's making me tacos, Dorado, on Wednesday. Nice. What a time?

tacos Dorado for the people at home. She takes chicken and mashed potatoes on cheese, I think, and rolls it up, and then she deep-fries that. And it's just, it's a little bit of a cheat, but it's going to be amazing. How many calories are there? A thousand, I don't know. How many balls do you eat? I think she gave me four last time.

How many fucking hours are you going to do the elliptical? I don't know. I did it this weekend. I was proud of myself at the... The hotel? Yeah, I did it. How long did you do it for? One day I did it for 35, and one day I did it for an hour.

It's not the same Olympics. Yeah, it is fucked up. It's a different stride. It's fucked up. There's a different stride. Oh, it's fucked up. When you go to a hotel and at least trying. Listen, if you try, that's better.

Listen, every hotel has three or four yoga mats. Yeah. Every hotel has dumbbells. You know, there's something you can do. There's always something you can do. What I do when I check in is I go, I check my luggage. I take a walk around the hotel, but I go look at the gym. I check myself into the gym.

I go see what they got. And I go, okay, I make a mental note. then I go upstairs and I make some things I can do plus I go on YouTube and I look for like fucking stupid exercise and there's always shit on there that there's always a five foot pool I can do a lot of damage in a five foot pool you can run inside the pool yeah it's true 30 minutes of running inside a pool

when you walk out of there your body's fucking vibrating you jump in a pool do 10 sets of fucking 50 jump up and down see what happens to you next day you do that for fucking six weeks see what happens to you. You're slam dunking Lysiah. You'll be like fucking Spud Web. Oh my goodness.

What's up, dog? What are you going to do at this? What are you going to eat at the house? What do you got? I got nothing because I just got back. So you mean to tell me you're going to go home and sit there like fucking... No, I'm going to get something. I've been thinking about it during the podcast. What are you going to get? What are you thinking about? In my heart, I want Jack in the Box, but I'm going to do that. No, you can't do that. So what are you going to settle for? Either subway or

maybe try to find a place where I could get like some chicken terriaki. You already had Subway. It's 10 o'clock. Every Japanese person, this village is fucking shut down for the night. No, there's nothing. They're at home praying, fucking making incense. I was worried.

I was like, should I go to a different subway so they don't recognize me getting two subs in one day? Trust me, you won't be the only guy. Oh, I know. You fit the fucking characteristics of guys are plenty on shooting the president. They eat two subway sandwiches a day,

and they don't talk much. They fucking don't like dogs. I don't know. I was trying not to eat, but. What did you eat for lunch? at this subway today? Pepperoni. Pepperoni.

We're white bread? No, wheat bread. And what else you put on the pepperoni? A little bit of shredded cheese, a bunch of oregano and crushed red pepper. You said I got a deal with? It's like a little mini pizza. Hey, it's pepperoni from Subway,

which isn't really pepperoni. It's like a turkey that nobody wants for Thanksgiving. They look at it and they go, fuck no. It's like that one slave and fucking nobody. He is a slave, but the other one, fucking, not apocalyptic.

Oh, my God. What's... I need a different pepperoni. Apocalypse. No, not Apocalypseto. The other one. Amherescence. What's the name of?

Amistad? Amistad. I don't know. They would just smack... If you were like a weak black guy, you shut up with glasses and shit, they would just slap you and make your wife suck their dick.

They were fucking terrible white people. Terrible. What's up, Lee? I normally get boars head pepperoni, but... They don't have boars head pepperoni. No, not at Subway. At the grocery store.

Yeah, it's subway. That's not Bois head pepperoni. That's turkey. they don't want. I know, but their feathers are all fucked up. They got eyeballs missing. They got malaria. They got colds, right?

And they look at them in the face, and they go, this guy ain't going to work out for him. Send him to the pepperoni factory. And they slice their head off. They let the blood drip all over the feathers. And they throw it to a fucking grinder. And they look at it, and it looks orange with blood on it. They go, no, no, no, no, no.

Fill her in. Put some red shit. Put some fucking spicy. That spices. Get the Italian to help you out. and they spice that motherfucker up. They put food color in, they spray paint it, and then you walk in and get a fucking pepperoni sandwich,

you're fuck. See what I'm saying? You're the wheel of confusion. You're just adding to the fuck. What do you laugh from? It's better than the new, like, Frito's pizza or... Listen, you made a leaf from... That's why I love you to death.

You don't eat that little fucking Hitler, and the other one you were eating the cheese sticks. You were sitting at home rubbing yourself with those cinnamon sticks, cock suck. From where? My sauce is some little tea. Jesus. My sources.

They have cinnamon sticks? Whatever the fuck. You were getting cinnamon sticks? Look at him. Really? You know what? Taco Bell has good cinnamon stuff. No shit.

No shit. Yeah, those are good. I bet you were the first one in line. The 11-0-1. Fuck, yeah. With white shoes on. Fuck yeah. With white shoes on all proudly, you said.

Taco Bell ain't bad, dog. Late night, those, uh, the soft tacos weren't bad. The hard tacos weren't bad. The hard tacos were off the chain, the little ones. Best taco. Best taco out there. Fat Man Alert! Fat Man of Lute

Best taco out there If you want to die of a heart attack At 52 Is the big taco From Jack in the box They ain't fucking around Jack Oh those are so bad Because they deep fry them

They're leaking in the bag They put American cheese in it Oh yeah And you eat that before you get the goods Like you might as well get that And a double order Of the fucking fish and chips God knows what you're eating

You're eating frog And my luca fish And fucking smelts It's the feasted 19 fishes. You're eating fucking everything. Seashells and shit. Seahorses and manorets and shit.

What's those things that jump out of the water? Manorays? I don't fucking know anymore. What am I? Anyway, what's up with you? Lee? Everything all right? You got plans for the weekend. What do you got crack or lacking? I've got nothing. Come on. I don't know.

It's a big fucking night tonight, man. I'm very proud of Steve someone. 14 years out here, 10 years, busting it. Put it together finally. He'd been procrastinating for like two and a. a half years of him sitting there looking at pictures of fucking Richard Pratt crying. Thinking about Fat James.

Did you put him in the cover? Did you mention him? Cocksucker. I haven't got the hard ones printed up, but he'll get a shout-out. He's got a little picture of Fat James, wiping his feet when he got home with a sandwich in one hand, picking his toenail with the other. Wait, are you going to mention him as Fat James? That was his name.

That was his name. What do you want to call him? What's his name? Gustavo. James. James. The fuck. You don't want to call nobody by their fucking slave name.

I don't want to call you whatever your real name is Lee, fucking, whatever, Syatt. I'm going to call you the flying Jew. That's your street name. Fat James is a fucked up street name. Well, that's what happens. They couldn't call him skinny James. It just wouldn't fit. It just wouldn't fit.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it was Fat James and James Painter. And everybody go, which James? And people start going, you know, fat James. Oh. And that's how I got it. Fuck. Fat James is a good man.

God bless you. Big heart. Big heart. Big heart. He had a little whiff of like fucking Romano cheese from when you hugged him, poor guy. When you got close to his neck, you always got hungry. When you hugged him, you're like, man, why am I hungry and shit? That motherfucker was allergic to water.

But he was a good king of him. He's probably up there laughing right now. Fuck you, Joey. That was that one time I did 400 push-ups, and you came to the store and hugging me. That's why I swore. That one time. That one time I was booting him from the 60-yard line. Oh, man.

Steve Simone and... Listen, people, let me tell you the breakdown here. We cancel somebody tonight, so I've got to have Steve Simone tonight. I'll tell you why. Out of all these fucking mutts that are around me in Hollywood and all these fucking stootses that claim to do this, this guy worked, and he suffers, and he works hard, and every penny he puts away, and he visits his family,

and he brings back gifts from my daughter and people around them and his family, and he goes to this church, and he fucking hangs out with nuns and smoke cigarettes, and they tell him names, He gives them names. They're in the CIA, and he gives them names. They pray for those names. There's a lot of people out there.

You people buy into all their bullshit, and they got no heart for nobody. This guy would pull over if there was a pigeon in the middle of the street where his wing fucked up. He'd stop traffic. So you guys spend your money on all this shit. First of all, this guy's a tremendous comedian, and he's coming up heavy fucking duty,

and you guys, what are you going to do? Give this fucking C.D. What's the name of this fucking thing? Remember this. Remember this right now. Don't fuck with me. Because I'm going to be tweeting at the next 24 fucking hours. I'm giving out gifts. I found the block of old cocaine. It's got water on it. It still works if you're creative. I'll send out little pieces like the Berlin Wall. You're going to get some fucked up emails this week now.

I don't give a fuck. I'll send it out. If you fucking make this album number one, I will send the fucking Coke Rock right to the house. What you do with it? That's up to you. You understand me? I'm wiping my hands. I don't want no You get in the mailbox who's sending it to you? I don't know. There's not going to be a fingerprint on there and nothing. It's going to come unmarked from like a cable company in Bulgaria. Just nod, sign it, and run upstairs. Who gives a fuck?

I'll put the link in the description. What link? For the CD? Yeah, take care of the fucking guy. All right? This is a CD that you need to get. Thank you. It's just a status thing.

We need to prove to the church here. We need to let these motherfuckers know what we're coming from. We're all fucking the freak party, 2015. We patched over. the other old names and nemesis and all that shit so we're ready to rock you're people what do you want from me? Thank you. That was beautiful.

You're a good dude man and all these people put out shit and people this is the seed that you need to get. I'm going to get 200 fucking copies alone and give them out the blind kids and people in churches. Remember this, cuck, sucker. Remember me, Lee.

Where are you taking mama this week? I don't know. Oh, I shouldn't tell you this. Oh, fuck it. So you know the place where we took the crepe class? She signed us up for a steak cooking class Which is gonna be fucking cool That's cool Duck fat potatoes

A little salad, some steak What is that? I don't know I'm excited though All right, let me know So I could flatten your tires So I could stick A fucking grenade

And your fucking Ante freeze wire I know I wasn't gonna be that Nah I want you to cook a steak Well don't forget to bring up one for Papi here Oh the last time I brought you craps He yelled at me

I ate one and gave you the other one You brought me some fruit crepe I brought plain and ham and cheese. The ham cheese is delicious. The cheese is melted, but the other one plain. I don't know. It's like, give me a plain piece of bread. I hate the burger, but I brought you two buns.

I may have a pickle on the floor on the car. You fucking. Oh, my God. I love these Monday Night Podcast. It brings up the best of me. I love it. The live ones are? Yeah.

Listen, where are you at this week, Steve? Reno. Reno, at what club? It's called, like, the Reno, Tahoe Comedy Club. At the underground? At the underground. Yeah, it's for Wayne. Great guy.

Are you headlining? Yeah. Great fucking club. If you're in Reno in the Bay Area, let me tell you who's up there. He's up there. I'm in San Francisco. Felipe's at Rooster Tea Feathers,

eating fucking, what do you fucking eat? Chesa. Oh, my God. I'm going to get fucking pissed all over. It's like going to CVS to get a prescription. Every time I think of Felipe's vegan, she's like, on CVS,

you got a fucking prescription. I just get agitated. I walk in it. I need a blood pressure medication. I'm sorry, I went off on that tangent on fucking Felipe's vegan ways. But the Bay Area is hopping. I'm at the fucking punchline in downtown

San Francisco, having a great time. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. My main man, fucking Steve Simone is at the Reno Underground. My man, Wayne, Friday and Saturday. One show Friday, two on Saturday. Tremendous club. Downstairs, real cool, real hip.

Wayne's a bad motherfucker. They got food. I think a Chinese guy delivers on a bicycle You get the food dough like 20 minutes later Delivered right to your table With a band-aid What's better than that? Who's better than fucking you? Where are you at this weekend?

We had a steak cooking where you're at? No, I don't know. That's not for a while. What are you going to do? I don't have plans. I don't have plans. You always got fucking plans. I don't know.

I haven't seen Paul in a while. I'm hanging out. So what are you playing on doing? You got to bring over to the cars and show the bosses. Always. You know me lend you my cape. I would.

That would be kind of cool. Would you make love to her with a kid? Look, I might even see it though. It's fun of these to make love to her. I don't know. I don't think she'd let me. Yes, she would.

What is this thing which she lets me? What is the fucking problem? It gets a little iffy if you don't really care about it. Listen, this is that you fuck somebody with a cape. All right. You let them settle. Say, what do you need? I'm a mom.

Let them settle. You said, let's make some love. And you go, hold on, I'm thirsty. It took like eight minutes, no more, no less, eight minutes. You come back with that fucking cape and just dance. Even if there's no music, imagine in your head, just think it's whatever. Like Latin music or like what kind of music? Whatever, whatever.

She's Mexican? Yeah. Put on some Mexican music. Put on Santana. Santa. Black magic woman. How would you dance a black magic woman? Well, the cape on?

Yeah, how would you dance? Imagine it would be like a lot of hips. Yeah, so you come in, your hip purr and shit, and you'd stick your hand in between both knees. And just flip her. Just flip that leg over. Trust me. If you need it, step up on her and lock her one knee with your knee.

I don't know if this is jiu-jit's her or sex now. This is sex. This is fucking sex. And once she sees the cape, before she even says something, if you give them a chance to speak, you fucked up. Don't even give them a chance.

Just come right in, put the antenna on, and go right for it. And then boom, you pick up the leg, split it, and your dick is already out. You're naked with the cape on There's no underclothes on It's just a cape You go out there and you rub that little monkey

With your little Jew helmet And they just pop that motherfucker in like a savage Or Oh, that's right Or, she's listening She knows She knows who's gonna lay some fucking pipe on The old school way with a cape on and shit

Your buddy Ryan actually just texted me He says it's number two already Get out of here This is what I'm talking about guys Congratulations Steve Simone number two two on iTunes. Holy shit.

When you're a couple more people reaching out, if you're live, do me the favor on a personal tip. I love you, motherfuckers. Thank you very much. What were you saying, Cox, that now? What am I going? I don't know. No, you're telling me how to fuck with a cape.

Yeah, so now you rub your little helmet, and right there when she don't know what's going on, she's going to say you take the cape, and then she's saying, take the cape off, you're just going to drop. And the cape's on the rise, like a parachute. And that's the beauty of it. See, you have no pyrotechnists.

We don't have that in the budget right now But as you drop and you can throw those little firecrackers You got his kids The little poppers The white ones So as you drop you throw poppers The tape pops up And you're writing a little monquois

Just licking that fucking thing Right in there You get deep in that fucking clit when it swells You ever swells in your mouth? You ever have that fucking thing swell in your mouth leaf And your tongue in it and you can taste piss And other variable things But you don't give a fuck

You're deep You taste like all this shit, but you don't give a fuck. You just lick right through it until you get that skin, and you can feel that clit just swelling in your mouth. And it starts to give you that little juice, and you're sucking that motherfucker. You ain't even finger-banging it yet. You just...

Steve, a lot of this is on the CD, right? Because I always imagine the camera pulls back, and it's a group of 10-year-old kids. That's your show. Oh, my God. Make room for Uncle Joey. You just suck that little pussy with your lips, make those little noise.

She's like, hmm, like you're reading like a popsicle, and you're tuck that lip, and she's fucking dying. You don't even have a finger yet, and her ass nothing. You're picking her ass up, like, you got to take this right. And you're threatening her asshole with the pinkies, but you're just maneuvering the pinky just to give her a side. I'm telling you, this is getting me fucking all hot. I don't know about you fuckers.

But the cape, you have to wear the cape to do that. This is the cape the whole time. Okay. And right when she's ready to pop, boom, you pop up, slip that helmet in there, and take it to the next level like a soldier that you are, Lisa, and by the time she gets off, you know what she going to say to you? I like the key. What got into you?

And you're going to go, it's the fucking cape. That's our real pimps roll. I got to tell you everything. I'm trying to get pissed off. I'm going to take this through. I have the fucking none of it. No, I'm going to stare at it for 24 hours. It looks fucking delicious.

You know what, people? Fuck it. You know me. On it? Optimization. You want to be the best of what you do? You want your mind to be sharp. It all starts with alpha brain.

Plain and fucking simple. We could sit here and go back and forth for weeks. Alpha, blah, blah, blah, blah. Alpha brain is where the fuck it starts. You want focus, you want energy. You want to think more clearer. You want to look at people and look right fucking through them and know this guy's a fucking jerk off.

Alpha brain. And they got a money back guarantee we don't even want the fucking pills back. If we don't say happens, happens. If it don't happen, then we'll send you the money back. That's honor right there. But it don't end there. They got some new stuff, all right?

The MCI or 100% Coca-Cola. You add it to your smoothies, weight management for energy. Delicious. Trans fat, the fats are healthy for your brain. When people are fucking with you, you know they're fucking you. Why? Because you had the coconut MCP all. The other thing that's fucking kicking ass is the pre-workout T-plus.

T-plus, tremendous. A couple minutes before you work out, you hit that little lemonade flavor. Baboom! You're gonna get great fucking strength. You're gonna make great gains. When you lift, you're gonna go from lifting 22 pounds to 85 pounds like fucking Hercules in heat. No steroids.

Do you understand me? That's what's going on. Do me a favor. Go to Onet.com. Go to Onet. Look at the kettle bells. Look at the fucking monkey bells. Look at the fucking flying sauces.

But most importantly, look at the supplements. That's where Onet fucking shines. Those supplements are tremendous. Whether it's the new mood or the Shroom Tech, sensational fucking product. Read up on them, but do me a favor. Go to the Onet box or go to Joey Dears.com. And then click on the Onet label.

Go to the Onet and you press in. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. get 10% off and do yourself a favor. Just stay on it, stay on the program. They deliver it right to your house every month. You don't got to leave. You don't got to text nobody.

You don't get nobody your credit card. You just fucking tell them one time. Send it every month. Ship that shit. It gets all taken out of your credit card. You have to do dick. Right there, you make your protein smoothie in the morning. You do backflips.

What the fuck you do? On it's there for you. Go to Joey Dears.com. Order a t-shirt. Look at my tour dates. What the fuck it is that you do? Go to the honor box and press in. Yo, Zombo

Chich C-H, you are C-H and get 10% off Number two, my favorite people in the world If you've been watching, you've been hitting me You know, I'm hitting this fucking Hiddy Sigs cigar right there This is what Pimp Smoke. We ain't fucking around no more

Here these things don't stop there either You're thinking about smoking, quitting smoking January's coming, what are you going to give up? What have you fucking done? What the fuck have you done? John Lennon under 20th You don't hear fucking that song. You don't hear whether this is Christmas.

Do you ever hear whether it's Christmas? No. You don't hear it. the 20th. Once you hear where this is Christmas, you're done. If you haven't done dick that year, you feel like fucking shit. Because every year John Lennon comes on on the 20th of December, he asks you, so this is Christmas. What the fuck have you done, you're miserable fuck? You know what you're going to do? You're going to quit smoking this year.

That's what you're going to do. You're going to quit smoking cigarettes. You know how you're going to do it? You're going to go to hilly-sigs.com. You've got to pick a cigarette, 24 milligrams. It goes on to 16. It goes down to 8. Then to zero. You'll be off those fucking cancer sticks. You'll be smoking vapor living like a doctor. You have more endurance. Your dick will work. Who's better than you?

You don't stink no more. You ever smell your fucking fingers? You're fucking wiping your ass. You got cigarette nicotine on your fingers. And you go home and you want to touch people. You filthy fuck. Go to HittiesSigs.com. They also come in different flavors.

Go to HittiesSig's.com and press in. Joey's Church. Joey's Church. Apoe's Church. No. No apostrophe. No apostrophe. No apostrophe's Joey's Church and get wet off?

20%. Who's better than you? Not 10% but. 20. They're in a Jew in America. They'll give you that deal. Hittie Sigs said, fuck, we'll push it. 20 fucking, these things taste tremendous.

They last longer. Guaranteed 1,200 fucking puffs. You think one of those things you buy over the count at 7-11 from those fucking terrorists, give you 1,200 fucking pumps? Fuck, though. Go to Hittyss.com and get 20% off right now. Go to Joey Deers.com.

Go to hilly6.com. What are you put in the box? Joey's church. Boom! And get 20% off. You don't think you've changed that one since we've had them, have you? No.

That's fucking tremendous. I think I got like two that I move around a little bit. You know what I'm saying? I'm out of the fucking hooker smoke this one to one night, so God knows it's in the holes. She might have fucking college in a summer. Or fucking old man's pubic. Oh.

Well, you never had a pubicator in your mouth? Not an old man. What's the difference between you and some old man? Pubic hair falls out. The chick eats it. What the fuck, Lee? You see what happens tonight? When you get stoned, the show goes to fucking debt.

Steve Simone, out of all the people, I don't wish this too. I wish you all the luck in the world with this. Thank you, Jeremy. I taped your stand-up revolution. I haven't watched it yet. I was going to try to watch it today where the baby was going. Just to tell you what I really thought, but I know what I'm going to think. It was fucking sensational.

Are you happy with it? I'm going to be happy when Gabe's going to tweet out the unedited version. So I was just happy to be on there. What's the difference in time? They took 10 minutes and cut it down the five. What do you expect? That's it. Yeah, they did the best they could do.

And a guy like used a storyteller. Yeah, so they cut out. You know, yeah, it hurts. Yeah, it did one bit for 10 minutes. But we learned a valuable lesson. That's the most important thing. Absolutely. And if you got on Comedy Central one time,

you'll get on HBO the next. What's hope? That type of motherfucker you are, you know what I'm saying? That's how we do it here. We look for the next fucking step. Fuck behind or what happened or what didn't happen. It's what the fuck you got to do tomorrow, okay? What the fuck you got to do tomorrow?

What the fuck have you done? You flew back today. I give you kudos and you made it tonight. Oh, yeah, I wasn't going to miss this. That's because I love you, Lisa. We don't fuck around. We take it to the next level of you. Always.

And the church, what's happening? Now, it's like, I tell you, this week I'll be at the punchline. Next week I'll be a helium Portland. The week after that, I'll be in fucking helium. Philly? Philly. Oh, that's great. With my main man.

And I'm going to bring him a little fucking present from the bakery, some Italian cookies, maybe some fucking Philly cheesecake. What are the fuck? Cheesecake. Cheese steak. What are you? Johnny Meny is all of a sudden? What the fuck?

All of a sudden you want to do you? to your cucksucker. Nobody asked you to fucking correct me. Johnny Menos. Johnny Menis. It was Johnny Menos. I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great fucking Tuesday. Don't forget to tell you your friends

to stay black too and go fuck themselves. I love you guys. Have a great night. Steve, throwing a kiss. Where are you at? Thank you, Joey. Reno this week, the album, Remember This. I love you, Joey. This is the best. Thank you. What about you, fucko? What's up, buddy? How you doing, my main man?

I'm good. You're going to be all right, time? Yeah, I'm going to go home. Shit, yeah, you're as tough as fucking nails. What I tell you, it was 10 milligrams. It was not 10 milligrams. At least maybe the credit I've earned. Maybe.

Maybe 12. Maybe 12. But I still love you. You're a savage. Love you, buddy. God damn it. All right. Stay black.

Okay. Okay. Now that the show's over, don't forget. Just go sign up at Onit.com. They have the, stay on it program where they send it straight to your house. Use code work church to get 10% off. If you go and also go to hit e6.com.

That's hit. e-sigs.com better tasting, longer-lasting. The proof is in the vape. They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars. Use code word Joey's church to get 20% off.