The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #228 - Joey Diaz, Greg Fitzsimmons and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: November 6, 2014

Greg Fitzsimmons, Comedian and Host of Fitzdog Radio joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Recorded live on 11/05/2014. Music: Santana - Black Magic Woman Aerosmith - Nobody's Fault

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That's NailedItLife.com. Use code word Joey Diaz to get 20% off. Oh shit. That's all I could say is oh, motherfucking shit. It's a Wednesday night special edition. Church of what's happened now. Kick that motherfucking Lee Syed. This is Carlos in the early days and shit.

Doing heroin. Hanging out with the fucking cartel before there was even a cartel. Packed that fucking bong. Forget dancing with the stars. We ain't got time for that shit. tonight. Greg Fitzsimmons is here, ready to sling dick and break your fucking heart. Huh! Are you kidding me or what? Break out the fucking syringe. It's over. You've been hiding, you've been going to AA meetings, fuck it. Bust it out. Go see Flacco on the corner. He's got a $7 bag of

age. He just sit there and listen to this fucking shit. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to the Wednesday night. Addition to the church, Greg Fitzsimmons. My main man and fucking co-host, Lee Syatt. What's up, dog? Nothing. You and I both had a rough day yesterday. Listen, my day was so fucking rough yesterday, because I didn't even know it. I went home that night.

I first off, when the podcast ended, I was so fucked up. I was just talking to Steve Simone, and I was nodding out right here. I'm like, I can't make it home. I went home. My wife was talking shit about something daycare. I just looked at her, and I said, I'm going to bed. She's like, what?

You just walked in, I'm going right to bed. I went right to bed. I got anxiety. I was just telling you guys, I got anxiety, in my fucking sleep. Like I got up and just sat there, pulled the sleep at me, a mask off. I didn't know what to do.

Finally, after the third time, my wife got up and we talked. She's like, what's the matter? Breathe through it. Next day I woke up, I was still fucking dragging ass. And when I got to the acupuncturist, she said something to me.

She goes, you're not yourself for you. What's going on? I don't know. She started sticking needles in me and shit. And then she goes, what did you take last night? It's still in your system. And I go, well, get this motherfucker out.

And she fucking went down to my calf, and she picked the tender spot and shoved that little needle in there. And I put my head down. She cut me. There was smokes in the cup and shit. I was like fucking Eddie Munster. I had smoke still coming out of me the next day.

And I felt great after that. I just drank a bunch of water the rest of the day. And I felt great last night. I went to the comedy store. But I will never eat those fucking a fuck that chef. Yes, you will. You told me that we weren't going to do it tonight. And I got here like, well, we're not going deep.

No, we switch cheap. We're going to like a dick gas center. We didn't do dick. Greg Fitzsimmons Wait This all happened last night Monday night We got fucked up

They made some special Halloween Edibles for us And me and him inhaled them It was an edible that had the devil's face on it The devil's face on Oh what is the shop you go to? Yeah Yeah

It's good shit It's a special Halloween stuff Oh we got fucking plastic I went home I was telling you I had anxiety In my sleep Which I never really had before Like I had to get up

And think about what was going on It's tough at night Because you can't go out in the street. You can't just go out to a coffee shop. You can't go see a movie. You're fucking trapped in the darkness. And no life forms are around you. They're all slumbering. It's just you. Thank God you got a wife. Well, she always wakes up when I get up. I mean, you know, as soon as I get up, she gets up, like, what's the problem? And then you're up for the day?

No, some nights I get up for the night. But that night, particularly, I was so high, I would go back to sleep. Yeah. Like, I would get up, get my composure, and then put the sleep at me and mask on and go right back to sleep. than a half hour later, get up again, get my composure. So what you really need is a sleep apnea mask that's also a bong so that you can feed it. Well, something like that, this fucking people. Stay level.

Yeah, it was just... Was it like weed anxiety? Because I got anxiety driving... I saw a cop, and I was sure he's going to pull me over, so I'll pull the U-turn, and I went all the way home. I was going to stop at a restaurant. I was like, I can't do it. No, I don't get that type of anxiety no more.

I was getting anxiety about two years ago. I would take edibles and go to kickboxing class. And once I would run out of oxygen, oh my God. I would become so sensitive, like I would hear people going, and all this shit, but I would hear it like in an echo. And, oh, it was fucking, I would have to step outside the gym and just listen to quiet and have to go back in. I think that's what, there's a lot of things I respect about you,

but I think one of the main things is how you're able to push these side effects to the side and continue being the rampant, deviant that you are. You have to. You fucking have. The only drug I couldn't push to the side was blow. Like, once I did blow, I was done for the night. There was no, I'll see you in two hours. Like, it just affected me.

Like, I would disappear from Rogan. Yeah. Like, he's a great guy. And Joe really cared for me, like, the fact that he's still my friend after all these years, because at the end of the day, Joe don't really like alcohol and drugs. Yeah. You've got to watch it around him with him. I've told people a thousand times, watch it because Joe was cool,

but the next day I'll get a call how you drank 19. beers and you have a problem, he'll count your fucking beers. Because he's, you know, it's just, he does, he's not from that world. So for years. No, he didn't even get high in, I mean, he was probably in his late 20s before he started really getting up. Yeah, he's not from that world. He doesn't know much.

He'll drink a high in a two. Yeah. One night he got really drunk in Vegas. They sent him a bunch of shots. And that's the night I saw that, you know, he's a sweetheart of a guy. That happened later on in life when he started getting high. Right. So, but you have to, you know, he, you know, he, you.

He watches you because he cares about you in a way. Like, you'll meet you and go, oh, he's a nice guy. But fuck, that guy could tip him back or whatever. But he detest drugs. He detest cocaine. Yeah. And I would do a show with him. I would open for him, and I'd already have it in my pocket.

I'd have it in the top pocket or it was already in the hotel room. Yeah. So when I got off that stage, there was no good nights. Uh-huh. There was no see you on 15 minutes. You had an agenda. It was over. The phone got shut off.

I locked the fucking door and nobody was coming in. I already had beers upstairs, two beers maybe, and I already had weed, and I had everything I needed for the night in this hotel room. And you'd stay in there alone and do blow? All fucking night. Who the fuck sits alone and does blow? I've never heard of that in my life.

You know, it's the type of drug that it gets, when you start it, when you first do blow, yeah, Lee, come over. Craig's coming over, Greg's coming over, we're going to get high, and, you know, fucking go to a bar and pick up chicks and talk to people, you get chatty. But then the drug, through time,

become something else. When the package is gone, the package is gone. When I first started doing Coke, once the last line was gone, let's go do something else. Then it started, we got to call the guy. Let's call this motherfucker, get another one. And then you start getting Coke and leaving some at the house for later on when you come back. You know, I'll just have a beer and do a couple lines by myself. Yeah.

And then it gets to the point where it just flipped on me. I couldn't be around people no more. Like after 12 or 13 years of doing Coke, the script flipped on me. and I was always more comfortable being by my... I think since 90, 94, when I got out of prison, the halfway house and all that stuff, and I started doing... I was doing it always by myself.

A chick would not come in that door unless I already shook her down. What, Joe, what do you mean by that? What I mean by that is, this girl that I'm bringing into my fucking cubicle of death is not coming in on a maybe. She's either going to suck my dick or she's going home and not that. Right.

There was no... She's got a role to play. Yeah. There was no... We're not going to assign duties once we get inside. There was no playing. Once I get in, first thing I'm going to do is set out of the line and make you take your panties off and suck my dick. So I know what time it is.

There's no fucking around. You think I'm done. You think I'm fucking crazy. You think I'm crazy. First thing I do when a girl comes over in those days is I'd say she'd pee. Oh, my God. It's great to be. I put the heater on.

And I go, hold on. I'm cutting the line. Let's see what you got under that fucking skirt. And I either eat that monkey just to get out of the way. Why are we going to sit here for three hours with this monkey in the way? Because the whole time you're thinking about how I'm going to fuck her, what positions, look at her thighs, let's get that shit out of the way. How often would it work?

Every fucking time. Really? No, no, no. Because before, listen to me, before she came through the door, she was already qualified. Like she was already ass shaken down. Like if you understand, I'm going to do more blow. I'll come back with you.

Let me tell you something. I don't fuck around. You're a savage, right? Yeah, what do you mean? what I mean is we're going to do a couple lines I'm putting you to work and they would look at me and go you're fucking crazy or

yeah I know what do you mean by what? I'm giving you drugs I'm turning you out and then I would say it right out you're going to take some dick I'm going to eat your asshole and they would just look at me because we're not going to fuck around we're not going to make out

I don't make out what am I 10 I don't make night with nobody I want to eat that ass I want my dick sucked I want you to play with your pussy I want to all creepy shit you know what I'm saying play with your pussy

let me watch it while I whack off and put a coke rock fucking ass. This is nothing about love. There's nothing flip over. This is fucking nothing. This was fucking crazy. And it worked all the time. And then you cuddle, eat her asshole. No, out in the morning. Once the blow is done, you have no idea. But what I don't understand is the alone thing. Like, what do you do? Like, if I finish a gig on a Friday night and I go back to the hotel room and I have a couple puffs, watch Netflix, maybe I beat off, I'm asleep by 3 a.m. What do you do when you're doing Coke alone in a hotel room? What activities transpired? It is a horrible, in hindsight. Thinking about it now, it's one of the worst things I would do.

You know, if you see my face, I have picks on my face. I would just sit there with a blow and look for shit. Yeah. Pick veins in there. Really? Because I hated myself or I hated the situation I was in. So I would go home at night. All right, let's say I had a gram of Coke, gram and a half.

because I would go for bro. Fuck a half gram. I'd open up with a half gram. Okay, after a comedy show on the road, sure. The first show at a comedy club, I'm trying to pick up a waitress or somebody at the show. Because they're looking at me going, oh, yeah, because right on stage,

I'm going to talk about doing blow. So when I get off stage during the first show, somebody's going to say something to me or something's going to go somewhere. It's going to go somewhere. Oh, you do blow, well, something. Or the second show. The second show for sure.

More likely to have a Coke at the place show. Some is going to say, do you want a blast? Well, there's going to be people at the bar, and some girls are going to come over and go, I have a blast. Next thing you know, you're doing a blast, and they got a miniskirt, and you're talking to them, and this chick's a fucking savage.

You know, she didn't go out with a minisk on a Friday night. Yeah. Because she's going to church on Sunday. She's not hanging out with the guy with the sniffles by accident. With the shirt going down the sleeve. Once they start drinking, it's 1 o'clock, you know what time is? Then they'll say to you, what are you going to do that?

I'm going to go back to the outdoor room. Do you want to come to my plate? Right there. Right there. You're like, listen, I got this guy who'll bring an eight ball. Listen, I understand one thing. If I come back to the house, I'm putting a Coke rock in your asshole. I'm eating out.

And they'll look at you like, okay? Or, oh, my God, you just got me hot. Or, no, I have a husband or I have a boyfriend. I mean, it's crazy. But here's the other side of the question. Here's the other side that happened that I never felt good about. There was a lot of people I brought home that were in relationships. that were in marriages, you know, that they were just as much of a junkie as you were.

Right. You know, when you were a junkie, you tolerate shit. You know, I know 20 situations where I brought people home, I didn't know. And they didn't know me. And next thing you know, you're 69 in the living room, opening up their asshole. And it's fucking craziness. And you wake up the next one, like, what the fuck just happened, you know? I was thinking about El Paso, Texas.

You ever go to El Paso, Texas? No. Bart Reeds room. Nope. Years ago, that was a week of hell. But it was, you were going to get your dick sucked. Like, listen, if you didn't get your dick sucked in El Paso, you're not going to get your dick sucked ever.

Yeah. It was that easy. Yeah. Because the condo was there for so long that women would come by at night. Hi, anybody partying here? Come on. Just like that. Just like that.

Yeah. Plus, the women were army chicks or something? Like, there was barracks around there. Uh-huh. And you don't know how many times I went home with a girl doing blow, opened her ass up, squirt in her fucking face. I mean, just disgusting things. And two nights later, she's coming back to the show

introducing you to her husband. And you're like, what the fuck is this? And you notice she's got a crew cut in an army uniform. Yeah, and you know, and he's a fucking MP or something. Yeah. And it's really sad what happens to people. I mean, comedy store comics. I have a thousand stories.

Yeah. About going to the bathroom, a girl being on a date and getting up and next thing she sucks your dick and she sits back at the table with a date. Yeah. Oh, my God. There's a thousand of those things. Well, that's the thing about easy pussy, is there's a reason why it's easy.

Usually, like, when I think back to high school, there was always that girl, like, in my high school, is this girl, Linda. And, you know, she had a reputation. You know, she was easy. You could have sex with Linda. Those chicks never fucked me. Well. All the chicks with their reputations, they would eat ass and suck dick. Right.

Never sucked my dick. One. I finally got one, like, after high school that thing. I was a fucking blowjob expert. But then you look back and you realize, like, like I see now with hindsight, oh, yeah. She had a single mom. Her dad was probably fucking finger blasting it before you got kicked to the curb. There's a reason why she was sucking everybody's dick.

She had a horrible childhood. Or you're talking about these girls that'll come back and blow you. They're drug addicts or they, you know, there's always something wrong. It's very rarely a, you know, self-actualized woman that's going to come over your motel room and let you stick your tongue in her ass the first night. She hasn't even wiped. She has, you haven't even asked her. Do you ask?

I mean, do you put the ass in the sink and give it a little rinse before you go to town? Oh, they have to take a shower. Oh, they do? Yeah, I don't just eat dirty ass from the bar. I don't know what the fuck you've been sitting on this shit. You're on a toilet, taking the shit, not wiping your ass. No, no, no, no. First thing I do is we swap a little, maybe not even that.

Just go in the shower together. And you watch your ass, or you watch her and you say you watch it. Whatever, I'll wash that ass. You know, I'll take that Irish spring. I'll shove it right up that fucking monkey and pop that. I'll punch her in the stomach. You'll pop it back out and fucking bathe it. I don't give a fuck, Jack.

Did you just say punch her in the stomach? You pop the soap in and you punch the soap pops back out. These are jokes, folks. Nobody punches nobody in the fucking stomach here. We're just having a good time on a Wednesday night. But it's up. You know, I was telling Lee two weeks ago I went to Miami. And as I'm walking the second show, Friday night,

a girl makes sure she comes to the thing. She's sitting at the table right where I was walking out. And this girl turns around and comes right to the thing. her as me and she looks at me and I look at it on and she kind of looks familiar but not really and I look on and she goes hi meet my husband and she goes Joey and I were friends years ago we went out for a drink one after a comedy show and she looked at me and winked and I looked at it and it was like I felt like somebody in the devil's advocate yeah movie when he whenever the chick the chick what's the name charliece the Ron would talk that they turned into a devil and she go that was

me that night when I saw and I remember the night where this chick took me home with the chubby chick this chick was banging fake tits She said she dated Anthony Lee Roth. She had pictures of David Lee Roth. I mean, the bitch was hot. I went back to a house. I had dead dick. I couldn't come.

My dick was small. It was embarrassing. But then I never forget that these two girls in front of me. I'm sitting there watching Conan O'Brien, make him believe. Like, I'm not even seeing this. At this point, that's the other thing. At that point, when I would do coke, pussy would be second.

I was like those mice in the fucking cage. Yeah. That, you know, they're trying to feed them. They're trying to give them like fucking cheeseburger and fingers and shit, but they rather snort the Coke. That was me. I remember them two chicks had a big black dildo, like a big black with two heads on it, and one would fuck the one would fuck the...

And they're doing this in front of me, moaning, banging this thing. And I'm just sitting there watching Conan O'Brien, like, they're not even in the fucking room. And then it just turned into a nightmare. The chubby chick wanted me to fuck. I had dead dick. I tried to whack off. I ended up eating the thundon.

fucking good-looking one, the chubby chick left. The good-looking one had a period. It was just a night from hell, but then me and the good-looking one hooked up the rest of the week. Yeah. And then on Sunday, she goes, there's something I got to tell you. I'm getting married in two weeks. Wow. So today, when you go home, don't ever call my number again.

No shit. And it was fucking traumatizing. I wasn't in love with her, but I couldn't believe that. You know, I'm a Catholic. I couldn't believe this chick was fucking going to get married. Yeah. And we're fucking six years. Did you feel like you should maybe do her husband a favor and go tell him that he's about to step in shit?

Fuck, no. He probably knew. He had to know. He was some type of weather man. So he got up early, so they had a deal. They wouldn't see each other during the week. Yeah. So she was out.

She had a father-home like some Audi import dealership or something. This girl had a Mercedes and Audi. She lived on the top floor of a building. She had a Coke. She had a rack with just Dom Pering Yon bottles in the fucking grass. She was spoiled rich. You know, she was spoiled rotten. So she would just go out every night and do blow.

I remember she paid for the blow that night. This was a high-profile train. This was about to have. This is, yeah, but it's weird how I sit back and go, I'm not even a good-looking guy. I had no money that night. Oh, Joey. I was a feature act. I was probably making $550 a week, $300 a went to a plane ticket.

Yeah. $200 and went to a plane ticket. You know, they didn't give you a plane ticket back then as a feature act. I had no money, I had no Mercedes. I had no clothes. I was just living on the road week to week. And this girl took me home for a week. We went to eat at all the fine restaurants.

She picked up every fucking tad. And she was younger than I was. She was maybe, if I was 35, maybe, she was probably, 27. Yeah. You know, it was embarrassing. What town was this?

This is Miami. The only town shit like that happens. Yeah. You know, what happens? Other places, but it's just amazing that you could be...

When I left New Jersey, I was a criminal, but I wasn't a sex deviant. So I didn't know about all these sex things. Like, I really didn't know. I thought people just fucked and ate ass.

Then I find out people get tied up and they put balls in their mouths and, you know, whip them and throw darts at them. I didn't know that the girl I dated when they said to me, I don't know if you know this. A guy put me through college.

And I'm like, what are you talking about? And she goes, I used to have a sugar daddy for six years. He still sends me money. Six years. He put her through school. Damn. And he would put her to school, pay her bills, college, everything. And once a week, she'd have to come over there and just go fucking off on his dick.

Yeah. He would bring other hookers over. And his whole thing was to see her eat another hooker, and him would jerk off on her back. I mean, and she would tell me these stories. And my head would want to fuck. My soul would want to cry. Yeah. I never been involved in nothing like that.

I never, two-one-one. I never, I did one threesome. Yeah. I think I'd be too embarrassed to do a fucking threesome. Yeah. About you? Will you ever do a threesome? No, but like I can imagine how like a good-looking girl would do that.

Have a guy offered you to pay, especially now when college is going to cost you $200,000, not on top of rent. No, I'm not at Kari did that. Oh, no, I got a buddy who's, he's got a lot of, you know, billionaire friends, and they've all got chicks set up, and one of Miami, one in New York, one in L.A. and they come to town and they buy them an apartment, they lease them a car, they throw them some money every month,

and they come to town, and it's like they drop whatever they're doing. That's the deal. Your mind for that week, could be two weeks, and then I may not see you again for six months, but for that time, you're going to be my dirty dog, and you're going to walk,

not all that, you're going to walk into restaurants. The money I gave you means you got some decent clothes to wear so that I can show up with you, and that's their deal. That's the deal. And it goes on, like you said, six years, you know, he says these things go on for 10 years. Women that are consistently living a life where they build into it that they're a prostitute

for a little bit of time. And the rest of the time, they are. They're going to college where they're... That's her right there. You get a neighbor? I don't know. We never do them at this time. And so, yeah, and the rest of time, they're married, or maybe they've got a startup business

they're trying to get going. but if this guy's good for, you know, 50 grand a year and taking care of all their expenses, they're like, well, you know, I think it's, everybody's got a relationship to their body. You know, like women either feel protective of their body, and it's like their soul in their body are one, or it's like my body is this thing that I don't really care about. If a guy wants to get something from it, he can, and I'll gladly take money for it. And like porn stars, like they don't have any attachment to their bodies. They can let the things happen to their bodies, and it doesn't.

affect them. So then you get the Irish girls who you just look at them and they got to go confess. I'm an Irish girl type of guy. Yeah. Since day one. I ended up with an Irish girl. I got an Irish daughter. Right.

I love Irish girls. That's my all-time fucking favorite. I got an Irish one. Well, mine's half-Irish, half-Jewish. I love it. Oh, there you go, Lee. Huh? You got a stake in this. You got a dog in this war. I can't date. I mean, I'm surprised you did it in Irish woman because I can't date Jews

because... You're full Irish? 100%. It reminds me too much of my mother. Yeah. So I just can't. I mean, is that why you didn't date a... Like, when I started dating a Hispanic girl, you told me right off, like, they're crazy.

Like, I won't even do it. They're crazy. But I'm crazy. That's why it didn't work for me. Yeah. A Hispanic girl, for it to really work, like I see a lot of Jews go for Hispanic chicks, and I see when a white guy dates a Hispanic chick,

it tames them, it balances them off. Yeah. When you have two fire people, it doesn't work. I went through that one time with a Spanish girl And that was two Spanish girls One for about a year And one for like eight months And it was horrible

I was always in an argument I was always tensed up When I walked in the door I don't want to be tensed up I don't want to be tensed up At all when I walk in my house Yeah no I think the Irish and Jews Have a great thing going

You know like my How many couples you know Where the guy is the guy's Irish The woman's Jewish There's something about like We have shame The Irish have shame And the Jews have

guilt. And somehow they're not exactly the same. They counter each other off just a little bit. A little bit. But my mother and my wife's mother went to the same high school in the Bronx. Didn't know each other. They're like two years apart. Same. I mean, we're probably the same fucking gene pool. It's like the Irish are very clannish. All my cousins, I got like 23 cousins. Every one of them married a 100% Irish person. All my aunts and uncles married 100% Irish people. and it's like, and none of them get divorced. They're not happy, but they don't get divorced. There's like this thick, clannish thing of like,

we're going to marry ourselves, we're going to marry our mothers, and we're going to just white knuckle it right to the finish line. That's fucking beautiful. I mean, I guess some people get married the drop of a hat. I mean, get divorced a drop of a hat. I think there's something noble about staying in an unhappy marriage and trying to fix it rather than just going like, Hey, we hit a couple speed bumps.

Let's dismount now. Well, that's a Catholic guilt. Right. Because when I got divorced, I was done. In my heart, I was really done. I was raised Catholic. No fucking holds bar Catholic. Like, I enjoy it.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you I'm a shame, or I'm a recovering Catholic. No. I came in this motherfucker. When I came out of my mom's snatch, I came out of there with a fucking Bible and a fucking little thing on my neck. And that's the way it was chosen.

That's what I'm going out. Yeah. That's what I'm going out. and I remember how bad I felt. Like I got back into my Catholic roots after I got locked up. I was lost, and I made my confirmation of 29 years old. Oh, shit. Yeah, I knew I was lost, and I went back, and I went to church Sunday.

I went to 7.30 Mass Sunday. I stayed for about 15 minutes. That's what I could tolerate. Yeah. But I go, I throw a dollar in the basket. I throw some holy water on me. You know, these aren't the churches I was raised at. Right.

Where I was raised in the church, it seemed like people really believe. I watched the Great Irish movie the other day. In fact, I grew up in one of his grandsons. What's the fucking movie with Cameron and Russell Crowe when he's the boxer? Oh, the boxer. Braddock. Jimmy Braddock is big. The park where I grew up in is Braddock, Hudson County Park.

Okay. So I grew up with his grandson. I grew up with that little Irish clan, you know? Yeah. And there's a scene where they go, she goes to watch. to fight and she goes to the church a lot of candle on the candle. The church is fucking packed.

You know, it's 1940 some. That's all these fucking Irish people had. You're right. That's all they had. This is it. They worked. They got, you know, because how you see Arabs now and fucking,

you know, black people, whatever. I don't mean to insult nobody, but, you know, the flavor of the month is, you know, Arabians, right? Like, they get tortured, whatever. 60-70 years ago. the month is a rave.

That's true. 80 fucking years ago was the Irish. Yeah. You know, 90 years ago was the Chinese. What do you mean was the flavor of the month? Like the new people, the new group? Who do you hate this year? Oh, who do you hate?

Who do you hate this year? So every year dozens of different migrations came in. Right. You know, we used the Chinese people to build our railroads. We used to fucking whip them over a canyon with dynamite stuck to them. They were the original fucking terrorist. Did you know that? Is that why they make all the fireworks now?

Do you know what we've done the fucking Chinese people? They gave us the orange. Yeah. They gave us. much and for years we just called them fucking yeah the funniest line i ever heard was in uh in uh the year the dragon the chinese guys talking to the tri and he goes behind our backs they call us yellow niggas you know for years nobody had respect for the chinese yeah but you cubans use them too cubans uh brought the chinese in the biggest chinatown in the country right 1960 fidel

doesn't fuck with chinatown right you know we discuss this on the podcast it's amazing to see a chinese guys speaking Cuban. But then, you know, this country hated the Irish. Mick Bastids, then the Sicilian, the Italians came in. Then they turned the hate on them. And then the fucking south, you know, then the fucking boat from Cuba came. When I came in the 50s,

Cubans are cool. Remember we had my uncle on. Remember we had my uncle on? He was only at the 50s. Yeah, like, now you now, what would you rather put up? I hate the fucking Cubans, I hate the Arabs. I'll tolerate the Cubans. They make a good sandwich. So it's not like America starts loving anybody. It's just that they don't.

We just migrate from a hate group to hate group, whatever. And then you hated less. In the 40s, it was the Jew. Who knows? But every year is something. That's the way it was. And I think about what you said about both your mother and your mother-in-law from the Bronx. Everybody thinks, I don't know what the fuck anybody knows about the anthology of the Irish coming here.

The fucking Irish invented the Bronx. The Puerto Ricans got on the board later on because the Irish gained permission to come in. They like the music, the fried bananas. Irish like Puerto Rican chicks. That's their week. They love Puerto Rican pussy And you fucking Jews love that Puerto Rican pussy

That'll leave you blind That's the shit Them fucking Whatever they fucking What's the name? That fucking Lopez That fucking Lopez That ass-

She fucked Go find another Yeah She's the one She's a dirty bitch He was a brother The fuckers You know

The Bronx is I remember my mom Had a dry clean In the Bronx In the late 60s And it was Irish As it came I used to play these weird games

with them motherfuckers. Everybody had freckles. They were all dirty. But they didn't give a fuck. Their parents drew them out in the street at 8 in the morning. They weren't allowed back home till 5. You know, that's where they did their thing,

man. And you had to come home with a quarter, 50 cents. You know, you had to help out in the fucking house. You didn't eat. They didn't ask how you got the court. They didn't ask how you got the fucking quarter. So I remember, like, being Cuban and hanging out with Irish kids in the Bronx and black kids.

They taught me so much the fucking Irish. I owe them so much. I always said they taught me toughness. They taught me what it is to fucking get into a fight and come back the next day and fight again with stitches in your fucking head. That's what it's all about because your father's standing right there with you.

I'm going to give a fuck about your stitches. You disgrace the McMahon family. You know, you disgrace the McMahon family. Get in there. I grew up with the McMans. There were four of them. You had to fight all four of them. And God forbid they got that sister that weighs like 280.

They throw her into the bow ring too. That's when the fight was over. When Eileen comes in, you see the shadow come first. Oh, my God. The fighter is so funny when all the broads and the fighter, they have six sisters. And they get into a fight in a drop of a fucking hat, those Irish sisters. They're pulling hairs. You know who one of those sisters was.

Wait, is that right? Oh, no. You know Sue Costello, right? Yeah, she wasn't one of the sisters. She was in the movie. She's in the movie. Yeah, right. She comes from a tough part of Boston, Dorchester.

I spent a lot of time back in that part of Boston. and they're some tough motherfuckers. My friend Mary Fitzgerald, she's one of my closest friends the last 20 years. She's got brothers. Two of them were the Massachusetts Golden Gloves champions. From, you know, South East Dorchester, same thing. And these guys would just go out.

Their father was a bookie, and they would go out on the street, and they were respected because of him, but then they made names for themselves just as fucking badasses. And, you know, to this day, you talk to one of these guys. She just had a party, and I hung out with him.

slap him on the shoulder like a rock this dude's like in his early 50s you know the abs are still ripped just and he probably doesn't work out just rage just internal anger just causes the muscles to fucking tighten up just tough red-faced scars red cheeks red cheeks red shit pieces of the hair is missing yeah when i grew up one of the kids that took a liking to me that gave me two tickets to the rolling stones i don't know why name was viny lynch he was as Irish as can be, you know? And he took me to the soap fracture one night to see some shit bar band, you know,

whoever sticky fingers, somebody covering somebody else. And I saw him take a bottle to the head. And, I mean, when he got hit in the head with a bottle, I lost every bodily fluid I had. I was like a freshman in high school, and it didn't even fucking faze him. Yeah. I never saw nothing like that.

He got hit with like a fucking Heineken bottle. And it just, like it just woke him back up. He was like, did you just hit me? Like, that's what? what it was like. He just went off after that. And I loved that attitude. He had that attitude where he would just go into a room and just start smacking people.

I love all that crazy. That's the out of the Irishman. I'm listening to this book right now. You know that guy, the Ice Man? Yeah. Klitsky. Yeah, from Jersey City. I'm listening to the audiobook right now about his life.

It's blowing my fucking mind. I'm crawling out of my own skin. I listen to it driving over here. Are you up to Mr. Softie yet? Mr. Softie, the guy that helped him kill? No. That's around the corner from me. I grew up on giving that terrorist.

Ask Lee, Charles Port. But this dude, they talk about that, that, like, because he'd been beaten so badly by his father that, like, when people hit him, he'd go quiet. They said, that's when he really had to be nervous around this guy is when he went quiet. Because that meant that he was going to kill you and he didn't want anybody see him getting worked up. So he would just, you know, you'd hit him with a fucking, somebody to hit him. hit the guy with a pipe and he would just sort of slink away like he was going to go get his fucking glock or he was going to go make a plan make sure the trunk of his car was clean and then he was going to come back and get you so it was when he was yelling that you knew that you

might be okay fucking chilling did he slice the chick's nipples off you no i don't know if i can keep listen to this book man yeah it's tough it's a tough read the first three or four chapters a very tough read talks about his life in jersey city when he started going a whole Talking to fat, whatever. Yeah, right. And taking all this from him. It talks about when he married his first wife and he lived in West New York. Yeah.

And that's when he really started fucking edging it on. And that's a perfect playground to kill people. You know, we were talking about, at the end of the day, it's not that hard to kill somebody. Mobsters have killed 80,000 bodies. And they're no geniuses. Right. You know, they just have the whole dog and they have their alibis tight. and they do it so much, it just becomes secondhand.

This guy was killing people on the Upper West Side. They don't really have a count on him because they didn't have computers in those days. So you couldn't really mix and match, like hit like a guy gets stabbed in the throat and somebody shits in his eyeball. You know, let's see if something else matches throwing the computer. They didn't have that. Well, also, he always, like, killed different ways, which is why they couldn't find the patterns even without computers

because he would, when he'd kill somebody, he'd say, slice their guts open so that when they threw them in the water, they wouldn't balloon and float to the top. And he would always cut off the fingertips and chop out the teeth. And like, he was like, he was really into it. He was really like, he enjoyed it. Yeah. You know, for you to get a big paycheck doing it, that's, he got a cave in Pennsylvania. Right. And he fucking tithe. Would drag people and tie him up and he had rats back there. So they would eat you. And he would tape you and then take the tape back to the hit. Because they want to see that the person was in pain.

Yeah. He would tape you with a VHS camera. Fuck. Do you don't like people like that are born? Because like I've heard people like like they're fucking born. Well no like like they're born that way. Because like I've heard you guys talk like I was born to be a comedian. I was born to do this.

Like how does someone one day just start marry their first wife and decide to be a sociopath? Well, no. But he was also, they talk about was it nature or nurture because his father was a fucking lunatic who used to beat the kids. Murdered his brother. beat his younger brother up until he died. And so he watched that happen. And he grew up getting the shit kicked out of him like on a daily basis,

watching his mom get the shit kicked out of him. And so whatever he had predisposed that would have made him a sociopath was mixed with this absolutely traumatic childhood. And the two came together to create a guy who was a killing machine, who could do it without any guilt. Nobody could talk him out of killing him. Like, they said that people would be begging for their lives, and it was like he couldn't hear it. It didn't register.

It meant nothing. It was, uh, his belief system broke down at a young age, and you can't recover that at a young age. My belief system broke down at 16. It took me 20 years to get back in the fucking ballpark. Plus, you've talked about when you were with Kenvella, like you went to your car to get the gun and you just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it.

So even though you're like, even though you have like your... It wasn't in me. Yeah. It wasn't in me. God. It wasn't in me, even though I was angry. I was pissed at the world. I want to lash out the world.

I really wanted to do it. But to take it to that level, but then when I had the beef with my wife in 93 and 92, I started thinking about it. And at that time, I could do it. And that's why I got in my car, and I went to the triple run. And then on the triple run, I reflected out on how angry I was. And I said, I'm not going back there for a while.

There's no reason to go back to Boulder. because I saw that I was already thinking about a fax machine, the fax Jay Leno jokes from the jail cell. I was already thinking past tense. Right. I was already thinking about the preparation, which is always bad. I knew these two Vietnam vets that were like killing machines. And they were like, we don't have to shoot it.

We could just take her up to the woods, rub maple syrup on and tie her up. The fucking lions will get it. They'll do the work. Trust me. And there'll be nothing left. Nobody will find it's done. and I was having so much problems

I wanted to have my daughter She was hiding my daughter from me There was just so many levels of anger And then when you have that level of anger The anger I had at 16 came right back up That just picked that level of anger up So now I was a raging machine You know I counted the fights I got into

From 91 to 95 It was fucking tremendous Wait what happened at 16 My mother died So that anger that breakthrough Now it's 6000 You gotta remember guys. I was a type of guy that would smoke a joint

and go home and pray to God to forgive me. Like, I was the type of guy when I first did T.HC. Crystal in my nose. Like, I went to church that Sunday. I couldn't. It was too much for the guilt. Yeah. But once I started beating that guilt, and then my central nervous belief, my central belief system broke down

because at the wake you say to yourself, how can God do this? You tell you that God is great and he loves and he does all this shit. And then you go to the Bible and it says that forgiveness this and that there's a reason for this. You don't see that at 16. You don't see that at all. You don't see that at 30.

If you have a wife and something happens to you, you don't see that at 30. So how are you going to see it at 16? So just as I was getting over that, then I built this other thing up. They just picked it up. Throw the blow on there, throw the fuel on there, no career, nothing's going on,

shit work. You're a fucking walking time bomb. You're the same guy that shot John Lennon. You just need a victim. Racism against you? No, no. You never felt that? No.

I think that's a big fucking quorum in this country. No. I can look you in the face, never. Yeah, you hear Spick, but that shouldn't hold you back. Yeah. That should not hold you back. If I say Jew or Kike, okay, that's great. That doesn't hold you back.

Nobody's going to stop you from being funny because you're Irish or nobody's going to stop you being an other because you're fucking Jewish. That helps you. Yeah, you actually got a huge favor going for you. You got a huge favor going for your butt. jokes aside. No, no, no, no, you just get, you just get, uh, it was the divorce. Somebody he was talking to their jihitsu about divorce and how it affected them. And I understood what the guy was talking about. Because to me, the divorce was worse than my mother's

death. The divorce was worse than going to prison. It was horrible to a guy like me, coming home and finding not even your forks. You know, you come out of prison and all of a sudden you get back on your feet. It takes fucking time. Not even the felony tag affected me. I was thinking about how different it is to be a felon now than to be a felon 30 years ago because I would lie on every application. Are you a felon? What are you talking about? You insult them? And then they would come back

three days and say, it says, yeah, you're a felon. That thing is wrong. Get the fuck out. I'll sue you! Where's the wretch? Okay, Joey, we're sorry. It is the... My name is Jose Diaz. How many Jose Diaz is there? Yeah, right. You've got to prove. You've got to send these fingerprints to D.C. Unless you've got fingerprints,

that's wrong guy. Put that away. Let's go back to work. Why are we talking about that? Yeah. You know, so I'd always overcome. That shit of having a felony. If somebody tells you, I can't get a job because I have a felony, that guy's BTL, he's born to lose. That felony shit, you know, they tell you when you have a felony, this is a truth.

When you have a felony, you become handicapped. Did you know that in this country? It's considered a handicapped. You become disabled. So once you go to the prison, you don't want to work. You don't have to work. You go to Social Security. They'll send you $700 for the rest of your life.

Yeah. And it never, I mean, it never really affected you? Why would it affect me? A felon? I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I don't know what the fuck you talk. I'm a human being. I'm looking for work to feed me, the snort coke, the sling dick. So I don't put a machine gun in my hand and kidnap somebody again. I'm looking for a second chance.

So who cares if I'm a felon? I don't touch money. I don't touch the register. Me working on your cars and me selling a car. That's nothing to do with your fucking felony. A felony affects you, how you let it affect you. If you tell people, well, nobody's going to give me a job because I'm a felon, then you just wrote yourself.

self out. How long is it on your record? I can take it off now because after 10 years you get the film. Is that true? Yeah, after 10 years you could go to court and get a judge. But then you lose the $700 a month. Yeah, but who gives a fuck? I don't I've never touched that $700 a month. I mean, you still have

issues getting into other countries and stuff. So that's kind of fucked up that you did this how many years ago, 25 years ago? Listen, if I had the time, the patience, and the energy for bureaucracy, I would take care of all these things. I have a friend that we're trying to get into the Canada thing.

I have to do pay. If Keith Richards could get into Canada, I'd get into fucking Canada, okay? So you get into Canada, play a show. Instead of paying 10% tax, they make you pay 18 for the day. That's what everybody, there's always a price. Always remember that there's always a price. There's a price, you know. So that's what we're trying to work out right now.

I can get my passport now. Okay. But the fucking thing that's stopping me is the Warren in Seattle. a 20-year warrant that they've kept for not going to anger management class. So that's still out there now?

That's still out there. Why don't you go to the class? Because they want me to turn myself in and see I don't get re-sentence and then go to the class. I ain't doing that. I ain't got time for that. Come get me.

So what happens if you work in Washington State? I don't work on Washington State. How's that for you? There's no reason to go up there. It's over. Capuch. Kurt Cobain got to come see me down here, all right? Joey don't Mangada in

fucking Las Vegas. Joey no man jar in New York Joey Mangada in Miami With that Jew I'm in Roth Joey get a cup of coffee on Hollywood Boulevard I don't need to go to Seattle Seattle's best is over here They got Cuban coffee down on those cronet cups

Cafe Bustello and fucking Target All that shit is over My wife's got Starbucks There they go telly-ho, throw this shit in the garbage I got Cafe Bustello I'm back with the fucking Cabanos I get a fucking curing machine, not a plane ticket. Fuck you.

Fuck you. I don't go to Seattle for nothing. I don't even go to fucking Idaho. I don't go to Oregon either. It's too close. Fuck those bitches. Right, right. Carve it out, give it a little room to breathe.

You know, man, if you're going to fucking come looking for me for not going on anger management for 20 years ago, just smacking some guy in a comedy club that hit. Smack Bart Reed. Three guys smack Bart Reed. I jumped into it. No, Ron Reed. And I got thrown in the fucking jail. Yeah.

Well, they revoked my probation. I was on probation for other things. Yeah. It happens. You know, I got into a fight in Newport, Rhode Island one night. Me and my buddy, this kid from Northern Ireland named Sean Burgoyne, drunken, lunatic, would fight at the drop of a hat. Drop of a hat, those guys. And then my brother, and we're walking back from this bar, and these local kids are starting some shit with us.

And there was a bunch of them, and there was only three of us, but we're a shit-faced. It's like two in the morning. So I walk up, and this kid's got on a Yankees cap, and I smack it off his head. I go, take that hat off. You're not from fucking New York. They jump on us and we start fighting. So they grab me, not my brother, not Sean. They grab me and they grab a black kid from the Newport, Rhode Island kids.

He had nothing to do with the fight. He was nowhere near it. But he was like, he was the black kid. Got to grab him. And they pull him in. And I spend the weekend in jail with this black kid. And I'm saying, I go, look, man, I saw you weren't in the fight. I said, you know, I'm going to take care of you.

I'll testify, whatever. So then it turns out that my buddy's uncle was like the prosecutor in Rhode Island. So I went up to the bench when my arraignment date a few months later. I went up to the bench and there was some shuffling. There was some whispering. And the judge just kind of looked at me. Didn't wink, but basically like dismissed. And then the next kid was up and I go, can I, he didn't do anything.

Mr. Fitzsimmons, your case. Yeah, but I just want to say this guy, he didn't do anything. And they're like, okay, we hear you, we hear you. And I stuck around and he slid out too. But it was because he was black, they fucking grabbed him. They grabbed you because you were Cuban. You think? Oh, yeah.

Shit. Hell yeah. Shit. It's amazing how many times I sat in one of those fucking county jails for an hour, two hours, overnight, a weekend. Un-fucking believable. It's not even bad. After a few hours, once it settles into your mind that you're not going nowhere, you start relaxing.

It becomes pretty fucking fun. It's fun except that there's no fucking clock and there's no windows. So you don't know, is it noon? Is it midnight? I have no fucking idea. I don't know how they took my watch. I don't know.

Is time crawling or is it flying here? Because I always seem to get married. It's happened three times to me. I spent the weekend in jail. Always for drinking and fighting. And it was always seem to be a Friday night with the judge coming in on a fucking Monday at noon. And you just sit in there.

And one time we went in and I'd gotten into this fight in Boston, spitting on each other. We're at a punk rock show. We're spitting beer on each other. We're soaking wet, dancing, sweating, drenched, get into a fight, thrown into the freezing cold fucking jail cell. And two full days of, I just remember being cold the entire fucking time. And smelling horrible.

Smelling like shit. Oh, my God. Yeah. But those days are over. Good upstanding man now? Oh my God, I remember getting arrested in Seattle on Exorcet. I remember getting arrested one time. And I saw a Chinese guy just kick a guy in the fucking back for taking his chair.

Classic. Yeah. Got arrested a couple times in Jersey. Those are the easiest ones. In Jersey, you could always talk to the cop. Let me go check with the other cop, and they let you out. That wasn't bad. New York City was a trip.

Getting arrested and being put in the tombs. Is that Rikers? That's Rikers. That's the real fucking deal. That's where you see people with blood on. Like if a guy fights with the cops and he fucks up a cop, they'll process him first. Let him bleed out.

They'll let that motherfucker bleed out and then take him to an emergency room. I was in, I was in, some part, Bergen County Jail one night and they brought a guy in that had done something to a cop. This motherfucker was bleeding in front of the judge. There was a puddle. in front of the judge.

And it's a business because the court in the East Coast runs all night. Like New York is all night until midnight. So you get arrested, you go right up in front of a judge. If you can post bail right there, they'll let you out, Lee. There's a bail bondsman right there. Right there.

Boom, how much bail? $2,000 is $200. So if you got $200 on your ATM card, you bail yourself out. It's that easy, you know, anything in that level. At what point do you stop getting like nervous or upset? Because if I went to jail for five seconds right now, I would freak out. I'd like, the tent to rest.

You just like, oh. I'd like the tent to rest, it's just like fucking, you know, it's nothing. Fuck. You already know, keep your mouth shut. You don't know nothing. You didn't see nothing. You know, depending with the situation, the cop, there's very little things you could do if you get to the cop first. Do you make a phone call?

Like, would you call somebody to just be like, hey, I got arrested? that don't look for me? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. Once you get to the station, but, you know, there's times you're headed to do something. You know how many times in bold up

was headed to do something. I got pulled over, and I owe it on a traffic ticket, and they bring in, and you're at work. You just went for a sandwich. Can you imagine you just going for a fucking sandwich? Yeah.

Pulled over to 37 or 35 and getting pulled in. And then when you get pulled in, you got a gram of reefer in your sock. And they didn't process me for the reefer, but they processed me for the ticket. I got arrested the cup. several times in Boulder before.

And the whole time in Boulder, because when I went to Boulder in 85, I was into credit cards. I had a friend that was working at a bank, and if Greg Fitzsimmons got a credit card made, he'd make two. He'd send you one, and I'd get the other for $500.

And it'd be whatever limit you got. Yeah. So if you got a $5,000 limit, I had a $5,000 limit. But I was in California, so your card was in Boston. So it was a race to see who could hit $5,000 first. But in those days,

the credit card companies were very smart. after you charge two charges, they'd call you. Oh, that's right. I remember that. And they would stop your card. Yep. So you got a brand new card today, and you bought a pair of sneakers, and then you went to In and Out Burger?

That's it. That car wasn't going to work again until you got home. If you went somewhere else, they decline it. And then they make you call in, then they go, we want them double check that you're getting those things. So I would have to wait for you to make a couple things. So I would be in contact with him on the phone. And once he'd call me and say, the green light, go.

He's already put a thousand on there. Boom, I leave the house. and I'd either be charging big stuff, and once I knew the car was called in, then I'd become under the credit. I'd become under 50. Only until about 15 years ago, they started checking under $50.

Yeah. Under $50, they wouldn't even do nothing. They write the number down, catch you next week. You didn't know that, did you? Well, they do that for like 25 now, I think, right? At, like, CVS, they don't make you sign? I know my wife just had a credit card stolen, and she found out because she found out, and she called in,

the guy had used it at a McDonald's and a fucking Starbucks. Like, way to go for it. You're going to steal a credit card and then go to McDonald's and go to jail for it? I got mine stolen once. And the card wasn't even stolen. I just went on my online and it was like 500 bucks at Macy's.com. And I called them. I'm like, that's not me.

And it's just, I don't know how you. You don't shop at Macy's. Yeah. No. She just don't shop at Macy's. But, no, but it's, like, did you feel bad about it? About what? About using other people?

those credit cards? Now I do. At that time when I was having a good time, fuck no. It was just another way to make money, Lee. I knew the insurance card was going to cover it. There's insurance bro. Insurance covers everything, unless you're a fucking moron. So I'm not feeling guilty. No, it's true.

Nobody, it never comes out of your pot. These credit card companies, they make billions of dollars. I guess that's true. Listen, credit card companies are in business for you to spend and for you to owe. No credit cards hate when you pay them the month like American Express. That's a deal they have.

But Mastercard, send them a check for the fucking full amount. Watch how pissed off they fucking get. They want to juice you, Lee. Everybody wants to juice you. And the more you owe them, the higher they raise that credit limit. That's it. Plain and simple. They want you to spend and they want you to owe.

You owe $6,000 on your card. You send them $50. They don't give a fuck. They're laughing all the way to the bank. Ah, cock, cag, you're at home going, ah, I'm a pimp. No, you're not. You just milked it the fuck out. You just killed you.

You're just designing your own death. You know, I did it for years, so I know. So I always knew that. I always knew when I was doing criminal things and I was robbing coke from people, you shouldn't be dealing in coke. Can't call the cops. So it's a fucking, it's a man's world.

That's what cocaine was. It was a man's world. You either got a pack of heat or have your grandmother in the fucking house or you got to be smarter than fucking the guys out there. Everybody's looking to take your fucking money. You'd think if there was no bank, and you left your money on the couch,

people wouldn't be fucking throwing bat wings up there trying to climb up and taking your million dollars. You bet your fucking ass, Lee. That's what we're about, taking the other guy fucking down. So I don't feel bad. There's always a scam. There's always a scam.

Even today, there's scams. We don't even know about on the computer that people are fucking doing. Yeah, that's crazy. Like, a lot of... My dad lives in a retirement community, and all the time, he tells me stories about all those emails people get

about, like, the prints, or I have this money for you, like... Oh, yeah. I'm so worried my mom is going to be fall for that shit because she's retired. You know, when people retire, they don't know computers. They're the ones that get fucking sucked into these things. Not the people that can afford it. Your parents retired?

Where Florida? My dad, yeah, he's down there right outside of Boka. And it's just, it's crazy. And, like, he actually got something because he used to use, like, online pharmacies because it was cheaper. And, like, this guy scammed him and said he was the FBI that he was buying illegal drugs. what you wasn't but then he said if you want I can get the charges dropped you have to Western Union

me $2,000 and he kept calling him and saying where are you you have to be at the Western Union in 10 minutes or our office is going to close and like he didn't do it because he wasn't an idiot but how many people must that work on that's crazy the online pharmacies

they're the ones that have Valium and that shit to have like I think it was to his insurance company Oh you can get everything Yeah now any drug that you get a prescription for pretty much you can get online for cheaper it's just is a quality

control you don't there's no you know but that's probably not an issue most times but you can definitely save a lot of money I know somebody sent me an email the other day with fucking just Viagra and Vicodin and like everything

like every you know every illegal pill yeah you know like a right you ever take a Viagra Never. No. I took one once.

What do you think? It was good. I mean, like, I've never had erectile dysfunction at all, but I also felt like I'm also Johnny one time. You know, you got to restart the 24 hour clock after I pop. There's no round two. So is there round two with Viagra? There was round two, and it was a solid round two. Probably could have gone round three, but, you know, I wore out the old lady.

You ever do Viagra? Not Viagra. A couple. Before I started doing this, this one. This one. I don't know The name is Paula I know

I don't know I think people get annoyed by it But uh I had I don't know Sometimes I were like If I should be saying

her name or not But um I had a couple Bad experiences where I like couldn't get it up And I thought I thought maybe it was the weight But then I tried

Not Viagra But one of those Over the counter ones They sold at CBS But once I started Losing weight And then this It wasn't an issue

But I tried like one of the Over the counter ones What's the one the football coach does, oh, extends, that one. I tried that one twice. Is it like an organic? It's not organic. I think it's just a whole bunch of, like, generic Viagra.

Did your dick get big? No, it didn't, it made me feel weird. Like, it didn't even make you hard, but, like, it's like an energy drink. Made my heart, like, go super fast. So, like, it freaked me out. I'm scared to all that shit. I've always been kind of, and you don't expect me to be a Viagra guy and ecstasy. Well, because you told me you get dead dick.

sometimes. When you do blow. That's the blow. That's not, no. I get a fucking good heart on, you know, and I knocked my wife up lifting weights. Yeah. You know, I was doing squats for my knee to rehab, and I know that when I hit those kettlebells, I feel bad for anybody.

But again, I last a minute. It's just a good, hard, big dick minute. You know what I'm saying? It's a good minute. I'm breathing and spitting down. Even now? I'm a preemie, yeah, and I come fast. Yeah, yeah. With Coke, I last little bit, like after I cracked the nut than I could the second time.

What about if you go a second time right away? You know. That was so sad. It was such a forlorn kind of... Listen, man, there's guys that'll tell you they're good and better. I've never been good and better.

I like eating pussy and getting kinky. I'll smack you, you know, I'll kick you. But that shit of fucking for two hours and sweating and drinking champagne and eating fucking strawberries. That's never been my back. You just want to pop. Yeah, let's pop and let's talk about whatever you want to talk about.

I hate when it's in your way. I hate when it's in the way. I don't like when it's in the way. So what about foreplay? Do you enjoy foreplay? I'll eat your ass. Oh, fuck you. I'll eat your ass and eat your pussy, and that's it.

What do you want to hug? I'm nothing. I just had my tongue in your ass. What do you want to do? You want me to breathe on you? I wouldn't be like you breathe on me if you'll look at my ass. But that's just me. You know what I'm saying?

Once we do what we got to do, we brush our teeth. We drink from our own glasses And we fucking sit there and reminisce You know what I'm saying? And once everything goes back again We start fucking and sucking again But when you do blow You get all creepy

You're getting creeped out anyway So I don't heard anybody brag about not being a good Oh I'm horrendously bad Because I don't have the patience Yeah I don't have the The whole thing to lay there

With a fireplace I don't give a fuck I don't do that shit I never understood I always thought there was something wrong with me I always thought there was something wrong with me because I don't like that shit I love you, you love me, all right, let's fuck

and then we'll crack a nut, we'll clean up and we'll figure something out. You got some chicken cullet from the refrigerator and we move on. But if you think I'm gonna lay here with a robe and talk to you, my wife said to me the other day, she irritates the shit

with my wife. I love it a death, but she thinks I'm a fucking masseuse and I gotta tell you something. I don't like rubbing nobody. Yeah. I don't like people touching me. I can't.

I can't go to a masseuse. I feel creepy. When I went, there's one over here that rubs your shoulders and your legs for 20 bucks. That I'll do. But once I got to lay flat down, fuck you. That's not my bag. I don't do that. Rub my shoulders.

You want to rub my toes? Put cream on my calves. I'm in, you know what I'm saying? But all that other shit laying down, two cucumbers in your eyes. Relax. I don't, listen, I don't relax. I don't want to hear bad music. Yeah, I don't want to hear fucking the 80s.

I don't want to hear it. I just don't. So, yeah, they, and I had the electrodes on my. my knees. Because I had knee surgery, so I bought one of those things, the tens, that you put two pads on, and you put electric shock in the heels through the waves, and you could control or acupuncture. It doesn't matter. The point being, I'm sitting there, and I just put them on, so I got 15, 20 minutes left, and she comes out with ice, with that look on her face. You know, I got a headache, can you rub my shoulder? I'm like, listen, I just put these on. Give me 10

10 minutes. So now those 15 minutes were torture, because I knew how to rub her fucking shoulders. They were torture. I love my wife, but I hate fucking rubbing people's shoulders. So finally, like, did the three minute mark, with three minutes who left, I go, do me a favor. The baby's awake, bubble guppies on. I'll give you 40 bucks. Go see the Chinese. I don't want to rub your fucking shoulders. I'm over here, relaxed. I went to Jiu-Jitsu yesterday. My hands are tired from grabbing the ghee. I got a blister and a splinter in there. I'm going to sit here. I got like three minutes. I could rub you as long as I fuck a minute. And after that, I get bored with that, too. I don't want to rub you.

Did you take the 40? No, she didn't even go. She got all right. She got healthy after I told I'm not doing it. She's barking up the wrong tree. She's got to know that by now. I fucking hate that shit. Yeah, I love massages, man.

I like someone fucking rubbing me. I go in there. There's a car wash I go to. They got a massage place next door. Drop it off. I say, I'm going to be an hour. Clean it up. Let it sit there for half an hour.

I'm going next door. I get a nice fucking body rub once a week. Really? Beautiful. What's your bang you out? $40. cash and throw her an extra 30 She jerk you off

No Okay I just got to ask Lee what the fuck Maybe you want to go Would you do that Lee? You don't do anything Lee does I've never I've never done it

I had thought about it I was single for a while But when I moved here A year a year and a half So I thought about it I never did it When I was no testosterone I was really horny

I scoped out the place by Diagostinos And they got two Chinese chicks in there That I'm bad looking There was one that looked like She fucking got hit by a car But the other The two weren't fucking bad. I mean, not bad at all.

I mean, they're not Lucy Lou. Yeah. But, you know. But she never did it. I couldn't pull the trigger. Yeah. I just couldn't, the Catholic guilt. I couldn't get my dick sucked now.

I love my wife too much. I can't. I just don't want to rub his shoulders. But I wouldn't cheat on it. You know what I'm saying? I can't do it. I don't see. Again, I'm going to come in a minute.

Yeah. Unless she sucks my dick and I eat her asshole. Again, I'm going to sit there, and now we've got to talk to him. I got to take him for a drink and talk to him and seem like I give a fuck. I don't. I just want to go home.

This was great. Masturbation is such an amazing thing. How many times you've been horny? You're thinking to leaving the house and getting a hooker and fucking some chick that you hated? Yeah. And you jerk off and you go, done, done, that's it. No motivation to any of that. I was just talking to somebody about that the other day of like an orgasm is an orgasm.

It doesn't matter if you're inside of a fucking black chick or you're in your own hand. You're popping, you're feeling good, and then you're disinterested completely for 24 hours. It happens all the time now, especially with, like, Tinder. And you can download the app and within five minutes be talking to a girl. Like, it's scary sometimes, like, when you haven't, or, like, masturbated in a couple days, like, how creepy I get. That would scare the shit out of me.

Like, people, like, somebody told me back page is really bad. Like, whatever, a lot of people go to back page. That's the big one, right? That's the one, butch showed us the whole website. No, what about the other one? He went. He called today. Who is Craig's List.

Oh, really? Yeah, red. Red, red. Oh, okay. There was something of red. Remember, he said, that's the hookah for $60 that we were going to get you? Yeah.

And this fucking guy went upstairs and cleaned his room. I go, where you've been? He goes, I was cleaning my room. He was in case the hookah came up. I didn't want the room to be messy. I'm staying by that still. It's a nice Jewish boy. He's the best.

This guy is the best. This is my gumbari-ch, old school. How are you right now? Nothing. I'm high, but this isn't as bad as Monday. No. Who thinks, yeah? like me. What I tell you, it's 10 milligrams. But there's no

way this is over. By the end of the show, I won't be fucking gone. 10 milligrams, but then you guys also smoke to sbleath the size of my thumb. We're not 10 milligrams. The ones he had are either 70 or 180, I don't know, I just don't know which one he gave me yet. It depends. I ate, first of all, it was 70, and I ate 50.

I gave you 20. You did not. I had at least 30. You're such a fucking sack of shit. You haven't eaten 30 milligrams all year. I've been giving you a 10. Oh, you're such a liar. How big, how much is like a typical hit? Like those ones you gave me, those. Cheba chews, that was a 70 milligram.

That's 70 that you gave me? Yeah. Were you high? I ate half of that. I took Joey to this meeting. He comes on and does my radio show. God bless him. And this guy's listening who's this executive at a network to be named later.

And he goes, this guy, Joey Diaz, I've never heard anything. I could get him in here. I want to, I want to hear a show idea from this guy. So, uh, me and, me and Mike Gibbons go to bring him in.

And we're sitting in the lobby. We go upstairs. And he gives me a fucking edible to eat. And I'm like, we're going to a meeting, man. What are you doing? He goes, just eat half of it.

So, eat half of him. We're sitting in this meeting. Everything's cool. Fine. 10 minutes goes by. Everything's fine. 50 minutes goes by. And I got two exes over my eyes.

And I start laughing at what Joey said. Because Joey said, Joey said, I'm a cunt three times in the first five minutes. And I start laughing, then he's saying cunt. I told me I want to kill my wife. Yeah, right, right. Oh, my God, they just got pale.

They just got fucking pale. He goes, I don't really, I don't really want to kill her. But, you know, I want to kill her. Oh, fuck. That was like six months ago, right? Something like that a year ago. We laughed our ass off. He called me right away.

He's like, I've been to a thousand pitch meetings. Never in my life. Were you just going there to have fun? I just want to listen, those meetings, you got to be yourself. Yeah. I would hate to go in there and speak polite and formal. Then they come see me on stage and it's all a lot. Yeah.

That they would go get somebody. I want, listen, in life, I push the envelope because I don't want no misunderstandings. Right. I don't want no misunderstandings in life. Why would you, you know, and that's why people get divorced. That's why people get divorced. Because the guys are somebody else in the beginning. Every time you go in another relationship as a man,

You get stronger, and you take from a relationship what you're not going to do again. You know, when I moved here, I moved here with a stripper, and she was into comedy. So every time I got in the car to do comedy, I dragged this fucking soul around with me. Comedy is a one-man game. Yeah. It's you and a microphone. That's it. People had, and I told Lee, a couple weeks ago, Lee, I love you like a fucking nephew.

Get one lesson from me in life. Don't involve your wife with business. Yeah. Do your own thing. She does her own thing. Because once you get out those things, you can't focus. on what the fuck you're doing. So when I started dating Terry,

Terry, no comedy. I don't want you coming. You know what I'm saying? You learn from different relationships what you're going to fucking do and what. So it's just amazing how you just get stronger. It's what you're not going to do and what you're going to do.

And if you say that shit from the beginning, you won't have a problem later on. Right. You know, I just listened to a Hicks album yesterday and he's talking about never doing it commercially. It's like the day you do a fucking commercial. And, you know, it's him. This is like the 1980s and, like, he was in Houston.

It wasn't really being offered commercial. So you and I, we do fucking commercials for our radio shows, for our podcast, whatever. You know, pays the rent. But I think his point was that, you know, you got to bring it, like, you got to figure out who you are and bring that 100%. And if you're dialing it back a little bit, like, obviously, you're not changing your show because of a commercial that you're running on it. But when you put your face on fucking seven up and all sudden you're pretending to be something that you're not, there's a part of you that dies. Now, there's a part of you that can survive.

So there's concessions everybody makes. I would never come down on anybody for if you want to tote fucking seven up, whatever. Who gives a shit? But as an artist, there's also a part of you that goes like, you can do that, but you can't do that too often. There's not going to be enough left. And it's the same thing. If you get married and you try to involve your wife and every creative decision that you make. And I don't care if you're a fucking accountant.

Whatever it is that you do, you've got to do it balls out and you've got to be relaxed and confident enough that you're doing it to the best of your ability. That's the truth. I think that people get involved in things they don't know and when you hook up with a girl, you lie. Right. You try to be somebody else.

Then when she gets married, then you become somebody else. Then the divorce is evident. Yeah. It's eminent because you didn't stake your fucking claim from the beginning and let her know. And even though she get pissed, she'll understand it later. She'll respect you for it. She'll say, you know what, I'll leave the guy.

That's it. That's all women want. That's all you want. So that's how I was raised. That's the state of mind like I was. Like, I don't want to be nobody else. I never wanted to be anybody else. Maybe Ozzy Osbourne. When I was like 19, I wanted to have a band.

But that's it. I never wanted to be anybody else. I took from everybody. I liked what Julius Irving did. I loved what David Cowan did. You know, I loved what John Havlicek did. And that's who I became when I played bass. basketball, you know. And you just, you fucking learn. And I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying. I'm so high.

Well, I think what we're trying to say, Joey Diaz, is that you're an animal. You came out to this comedy show that I did Saturday night at the improv. I had to bring this up. Oh, my God. We did this show. And like a couple times a year I go out, you talk about not bringing your wife to work. It was like two nights of the year my wife comes out and sees me do stand up. Do it at the improv, invite out a bunch of friends and get some friends to go on the show and perform and it's a fun night out, you know? And so you came out and the show was,

it was a lot of the, it was, it was Zach Alfenakis and Sarah Silverman and Jen Kirkman and my buddy Mike Gibbons, who we went to the meeting with and you. And you just fucking lit it up. You came in and it was like, the crowd was very cool. It was like Sarah was cool and, you know, not, you know, they're just, what you do

is so different than what everybody else does. And you come on towards the end of the show, and you just were like, you told the crowd that they were not, that their assholes were tight, and they need to fucking lighten up. And all of a sudden, they just did. It was like, it was like the earth just opened and the crowd that was meant to be just came out. And they just, it was like, thank God you went on before me, because they were not like that for everybody else. And then you made them a great crowd. And my wife was like, what was that fucking force of nature I saw tonight? I was like, that's Joey Diaz.

And she says, where does he come from? I go, he just is. He doesn't come from anywhere. He's just Joey Diaz. That was fantastic, man. I get, thanks for doing that. The Melrose Improv is a tough nut for me to crack. Yeah.

So, I'll never, I don't want young comics to listen to this and get bad habits. It was such a bad room for me that I stayed out of it for like a year and a half. Yeah. I just, it was a nut I couldn't figure out. I get a few last. But I never got him. Because in the back of my mind. This is going back.

How far? 98. Right. One time I went up there and I followed Stanhope and I couldn't get a fucking laugh because he said niggerat before me on stage. And Chris Tucker was in the audience. And this was when Monday nights was the best night for comedy then. They had the black show, but it was mixed whites. Mo Better Monday.

This was way before Mo Better Monday. This is where the show started at 8 and they put a couple five minutes spots. and before it transitioned, they even had a tell of Pablo Francisco. Then it became black. So you had like white acts, Latino acts up to 845, then it transitioned. Well, they had Stanhope and then me, and the place was packed. At this time, I had been floundering there. And it was Monday night, and I'd flound it like on Thursday nights.

I always, at the comedy store was more me. I don't know what the difference was. I'd go to the improv and I'd want to be Jim Gaffigan. Yeah. And that's not me. Why would I want to be Jim? So for years, I went to the impromp thinking I was Jim Gaffigan. I die, and I couldn't figure out what the fuck the problem was.

One time I died so bad, I just stopped. Right. I just said, I'm not going into the improv. Wow. And then me, being me, I go, you know what happened? I tried to be fucking Gregford Simmons. Yeah. Instead of being Joey Diaz, I tried to be a smart comic.

Instead of being Joey Diaz. Go in there and just be yourself. Right. And that's when I started fucking up the improv. Because at that point, they're not going to like me. They're not going to like me. But the people who are cool, they're going to take the fucking ride because they haven't been watching this all night.

Yeah. They've been seeing people paint pictures for sitcoms, not somebody who doesn't give a fuck. Right. That's the difference. People are like home. Yeah, they're different room. They're a different room.

The improv is a showcase room. It's a lot of people that are showing their teeth for the industry and prancing out there like ponies. So I would go out there and try to be that, and it's never going to work for me. Right. And I learned a valuable lesson. Just be yourself.

Right. And being yourself, when people tell you that, you sit in the car and go, what the fuck are they talking about you know what the fuck are they saying and Greg will call me before Greg Joey I don't know if you could help me I'm going to a meeting for CBS I don't know what I'm going to do what do people say to you great just be yourself and you're sitting there going Jesus fucking Christ what are they saying be yourself as you times 10 just so there's no misunderstandings because they could always pull

you back yeah but they can't give you no right I can't give you life Lee but I could always go, come here, Lee. Damn it back a little. Okay, now we got something to work with. So I give them Joey Diaz plus 10, so I got to drop something right off the back. A cunt, something, just to let them know, fucking yum.

Something just to split the room in half that. They have to catch their breath. It's like when you jump in a pool and it's cold, the heater's off. Yeah, right. That's what I want you to do. I want you to fribulate. I want you to fribulate a little bit and then go, I get it.

Right. This guy is not, he's Tarzanan. He was raised by apes. Okay? He was raised by. fucking savages, you know, he didn't really have an upbringing. He had a Cuban mom who stabbed somebody in Cuba to get her in. She had an alias.

Then my stepfather was a savage. My father died, and then he bumped into black people on a hundred and fucking 30 Fifth Street. And then he bumped into Irish people, so he didn't really have a fucking identity. Then he moved to Jersey, which is like moving to Boston at 13. That's just, it just, you know, when you move to Boston at 12, you're going to become one of those people. crucial time in your life. If you move at 8, you're going to get involved. But at 12, you've got to become somebody quick. So you've got to jump into the

fire. So if I move to Dorchester, and I'm the only Cuban in Dorchester, and somebody says, hey, you Mick, fuck, that's for Simmons. I got to jump in there and take a beat, and guess what? He's bringing me home for dinner. And his nine brothers, they're going to fucking get my back. And now you've got a fucking Cuban in the house. And even though they say that

crazy speak, those nine Irish motherfuckers are going to live and die for that fucking Cuban. Because they know he lives and dies for him. He's not some regular Gentile. Walking around with a tattoo and I'm tough. No, we got into a beef and that fucking spick, fuck jumped in. And that's what they'll say, the Irish. They'll say, hey, well, that fucking spick.

Hey, wait a second, wait a second. That guy might be a spick, but when I was in a beef, he was there. Where the fuck were you that night? They'll say it how it is. So now I got tamed into that mentality. So I'm black, Irish, a spick. I got everything going against me. So I'm like Tarzan.

Because I watched Tarzan on my daughter that day. That's a favorite movie on Root. Joey Diaz. Take a little water after that one. That was fantastic. Let me just a shout out. Tony B. I love you, cocksucker. Alberto Jimenez.

Stay black. Viesel Lion, you bad motherfucker. Sao 333208. You bad motherfucker. Marcus Munoz. Dead Squad M.UFC. Wait for dust. The photographer.

I love you. And Luke Cantalone. You know I love you, Cuccasters. Steve Black. Hey, before you get out of here, we get out of here. When I spoke to you the other day, you said something very interesting to me that I didn't even know how to react. I had asked you where you been and we were goofing. You said, I've been in my cave, Joey, this is how it works.

I go into a deep sleep. I stay in my cave and then I come out, and I put two and two together, and I just figured out. You were talking about depression. So tonight, I just don't know anything about it. I want you to just break it down. We got a little time before you have to leave. Right. It's tough, man.

It's a family disease, and it's something that, I don't know. You know, it's gone through. The Irish people, I think, are predisposed, predisposed to have depression. I don't know what it is. It's in our genes. My dad had it. My mom's got it. Not a lot of sun in Ireland.

I think that could be a big part of it. I hear that the Irish people as a whole have different things because there's Ireland is like Buffalo. It's like Seattle. Right. There's not a lot of sun in Ireland. Yeah. So I try to get out in the sun because I know that's one of the things that really helps it. But it's hard.

I've dealt with it my whole life, and I didn't, it's easier once you identify it, and you realize like, okay, I got to, like I said to you, I think you said, how you doing? I go, I'm doing all right. I'm just coming out of the dark place. Like, I know when I'm coming out, and I also know when I'm going in, and I know that I can't determine how long I'm going to be down there for sometimes, you know, but I got to stay down there and lay low and then come out and shake it off. But it's, you know, it's tough.

I meditate twice a day, worked out, went to the beach, went to the beach, beach today, play tennis on the beach, swam in the ocean. Every day, put myself out and just fucking fight against it because it'll drag you down, you know? And some medication. How do you know you have it? How old were you when you discovered that something ain't right? I just, I was always, I was always a somber person. Like, I always needed to be alone a lot. You know, I think that's a big sign. If you can't be around other people, you can't relate, and you feel like you've got to just withdraw, almost like pulling down the curtains

and just like get the fucking sunlight off of me, you know? And I think when my dad died was the first time I really got like, I can't function, like I can't go outside. You know, and I was probably 23 when that happened. And so ever since then, I've been going to a lot of therapy and I figured it out. Like I figured out how to get a handle on it

and how to live my life. And totally functional, I can work as hard as anybody, harder than anything. anybody because I know what I'm up against. And so it's like I'm proactive about making my life positive and making my life productive and knowing that I can allow myself to go black without it affecting being a good father, being a good husband, being a good friend.

And I just, you find the places where you can let yourself go down a little bit where it's okay, to-do list is crossed off. Kids have been put to sleep. Daddy's going to go fucking sit alone in a room for a little while and think about the dark side. and then you fight your way out, you know, and knowing that it's going to come back again, but that you can't, you know, you can't look at it and go like, what just happened that bum me out? Who am I mad at? It's not that.

It's just chemical. It can be absolutely nothing. You can have a perfectly good day, and all of a sudden you're staring out the window. I was at the gym yesterday. And the trainer goes to me, he goes, he goes, I'm sitting on that, you know, that machine. that you sit on, you put your chest against it, and you pull the bars back for your lats. And I'm sitting there, and I'm sitting on it like it's a preacher bench.

I got my head down, and I'm just staring out the window. And I was thinking about some really, I wouldn't even say what I was thinking about, but really heavy, dark shit. And the guy says, he goes, you know, those weights aren't going to lift themselves, or made some joke. And I just looked at it. I'm like, thanks for saying that. I don't know how long I've been fucking sitting here.

I just got up and just kept going, you know? I just don't even know where to start when people send me emails and they ask me about it. Joey, because I know I suffer from something. Yeah. I just don't have the balls to go on there and get it official. It's that other manic, depressive, or whatever, because I go off. Right, and your leg bounces up and down all the time. You don't know what side you're going to catch, and I try to keep it level.

I try to go out on that level thing. Again, it takes waking up in the morning a little earlier, thinking out my day, having a path. Right. I don't like my path broken. Don't call me 11 o'clock with some mind fucked that somebody forgot to show up, show up here at one. Right. Because it's just not.

Those things don't work for me anymore. Right. You know, it's, uh, and then the blow. The blow didn't help that. Well, you were self-medicating. I don't even know what that means. Well, it means like the way you smoke pot. It's like, I think we find ways to regulate ourselves and some work and some don't.

In the back of my mind, I know that there's a corner that I have, actually thinks if I don't smoke pot for like 15 days, I will stab somebody. Yeah. I think I'm over that level of it now, you know. But when I was younger, that's what I felt. Then I got locked up, and it proved to me that I could go without weed. Yeah. And then it made life a lot easier.

So now there's days I won't smoke. There's days I do smoke. I like the edibles, you know, but I know that that has to affect you somewhere. Especially these fucking edibles. Yeah. These edibles, definitely, it's a different high. And I always feel that the reason why I never really did, you know, I never really juiced big time or fucking took, you know, pills because I know that you pay for everything. Yeah.

Nothing is free. Right. You know, you might take testosterone. I'm going to last forever. Nothing is free. They're going to come up with something that it affects, you know. So I just, I know I have something. I just don't know what it is.

What do you think it is? Do you think it's mania? I think it's maybe a little. mania with what the soldiers have. PTSD? Yeah, I worry about people. Post-traumatic stress. I worry about all you guys.

I worry about my friends when they drive. I don't like my friend. Like, if I live close to you, when I come home from the county store, I would drive by your house. Yeah. I'm that guy. Right.

You know, I just found out where Lee lives. And I drove by there twice. I dropped them off. So now when I go down that corner, I look. Yeah. I worry about people. when I go to bed at night I get thoughts in my mind

horrific. Yeah. You know, I call Lee, whenever we do an edible, Lee, how many times I call you after I leave here? At least twice. Because I don't want, no, not on my time. Yeah. I've been at a basketball called playing basketball at you till 6 o'clock. Also, you go home for dinner, I go home for dinner. Next day

I go to school. You died in the middle night. How did that happen? Right. So that affected me. So you feel like you're the cause of things? No, no. I feel that life changes within a minute. So I always want to give you a hug. I was going to check on you. I never take life for granted.

I know that, you know, I hate when people are, I'm even scared now. In my older age, I'm scared of night driving. Like when I come home from the laugh factory of the economy store, I stop at the lights now. I make sure nobody's taking fucking red lights, you know, those are the times to fucking, you don't know. You leave your house going to do a spot. Next thing you know, some guy fucking rearrange you, and you're in the hospital, guys. You know, Tracy Morgan, you think he was thinking about?

Right. I think of those things. Yeah. I think of those things. And having a kid makes those things more intense. Oh, with the baby now. Oh, with the fucking baby. It's because I wouldn't know what to do.

I wouldn't really know what to do. I wouldn't. I couldn't handle it. That's what I can't handle it. When I had my first daughter, I couldn't go to the doctor with her. Because when he would shoot it with a needle, I want to strangle. Right. I can't deal with none of that stuff.

None of that stuff. You know, I didn't really talk to my daughter from the, she was the age. age of maybe 15 but part of me is happy because I can't deal with that stuff I can't deal with that girl stuff I can't deal with her having a boyfriend and the boyfriend pushing her one night

I don't deal with that too good that's the end of your fucking call yeah that's it the other day I read on Twitter that some father a girl some guy raped a girl yeah in India this guy raped a girl invited for dinner he the guy the father invited him for dinner

fed him and then like burned his balls and killed him that's me No fucking doubt about it I'm the type of guy that if somebody does something To Lee's kid That person's done in my book Like I won't even tell late Yeah

Like I don't even tell Lee Like I'm old I have that ice man quality Like I don't even tell Lee Like I can't I think of my daughter a lot I think of my daughter My wife go out

Swimming or something I always worry You know because I don't have that Do you get overprotective like at the park Because like you're She must get to be some people Oh yeah Like I love animals

I love animals but I tell people all the time, put that fucking dog on a leash. I look at them straight in the face, and I go, there's a leash thing. Put that dog on a leg. And there's a guy in my neighbor that has a pit bull,

and I had to go outside the day and go look at it. One day, that dog's going to do something. And I'll tell you what, it's going to be a sad day for everybody. It's going to be a sad day for everybody. You have no idea. Put that fucking dog on a leash.

I'm asking you as a fucking man. Put that fucking dog on a leash. I go to this park, you know, these fucking Gentiles. They think they're cute and they have those little dogs. dog's bite. Everybody has a bad day.

You can have a bad day. People have bad fucking days, man. Put that fucking dog in a leash. I'm going to tell you one time. Because that dog comes over here, I'm going to punt them. And then you're going to get men. I'm going to call the cops from the floor.

When the cops are on their way, I'm going to get mine. And I'm going to punt you. I'm going to fucking punt you before the cop gets here. So don't make the fucking mistake. I'm dead serious. I mean, I get pissed. I'm by the fucking rules. You know, I have a dog.

I fucking walk him and pick up his shit. That's why I don't have a fucking. a fucking dog. Because I don't want to walk 10 miles and wait for the dog this shit, and I'm definitely not going to pick it up. So let's just fucking shake hands and part friends.

I won't get a fucking dog. I'll get a cat and scrape the little box like some guy looking for chains at the beach. It's the truth, man. Like a guy. Yeah, I don't have fucking time for this shit, Lisa. I fucking get pissed. What about, like, little kids?

Like, if a kid pushes your daughter, are you like, uh... My daughter's a little bit of fucking a gorilla herself. So I'm already watching. She's 20 months, but you can see what direction she's taking. I could see already, you know, and I love it for it. Nobody wants that kid to get pushed around. But I could see when we go to certain things and she'll take something from a kid

and the kid will look at her. And the Mercy's like, you don't want to take it, bitch. I don't want you a fucking toy. I've seen her do that. I said, fuck it, take it. But I've also seen her push a little kid. I've also seen a push a little girl at the slide one day because she got on the slide. She just pushed the feet.

Somebody's got to make a cartoon of Joey Diaz's daughter, like a comic strip, like McGillagherilla, but it's your daughter just at the playground, not taking shit from kids. Dog, I'm telling you. You have no idea. I have no patience for that stuff. And I already see what the parents are like nowadays.

I already see that, you know, for years, everybody, our blame is on the children. Can't blame the children. They get that shit from their fucking parents. Age 11 is my cutoff for when it's the kids' fault. It's not the kid's fault until he's 11. Zero to 11, the parent is a fucking asshole. If there's a problem.

And I've seen it. I've seen it now that I'm around children, I'm around their parents and how they act, especially up in Studio City. Halloween the other night. I volunteered to give away candy because it was humid out. And my knee was swollen up, and I didn't want to walk around a lot. So I walked with the baby a couple rounds,

and I said, honey, you just take the kid and I just sit here. I had kids come up to me. No, excuse me, we don't want candy. We want water. Yeah? I wouldn't give it to them. They want water. You'll die of dehydration.

I got no water for you. This is Candyville. It's Halloween. You learn that from this douchebag. This douchebag right here is the one that made you. Well, I'll take water. That kid's dying inside. Because every kid wants fucking candy.

Right or wrong. Who wants water when you're a kid? You know, I got a thousand Tutsi rolls, and I came home with 16 waters. Because you're a fucking jerk off. You could buy a case of them for $5. You fucking... One night of the year you can get the Tutsi rolls.

Water any fucking time. Two little douchebags are taking things for UNICEF. Yeah. And you can see the parents who are like, you know, isn't my kid great? No, your kid's a scumbag. And you're not a salesman? Because I would take candy and say,

are you going to be here on Tuesday, Mr. Diaz? I'd talk to you about a business proposition. I'd set up the meeting for Tuesday, you dumb fuck. That's what you do. But your kids are dummy, and you're a fucking dummy for not to eat them salesmen skip. Obviously, you never sold a nickel bag in your life, you're fucking. Unbelievable, Lisa.

They've got no fucking class these Gentiles. Meanwhile, they've got a BMW convention. convertible and they go to coffee and they drink fucking soy milk and almond joy but they got no fucking class and they dumb fucks whatever that fucking milk is that they drink it's got no fat it's almond joy get the fuck out of here

I grew up on hold deep and you want to fucking give out fucking almond milk what does it end with you fucking momo when does it fucking end? We give my kids some change that's what it ends Mr. Diaz no I didn't even ask for money like I'll give you a dollar but if you buy water I will

Break that fucking water bottle on your head. You understand me? Take this doll and go buy a joint. Buy something. Buy a fucking steal a pill from your parent. That fucking retard behind you with the face. This is my kid, Gray. He's taking donations because he's a fucking jerk off.

And you're a fucking jerk off. It's Halloween. Nobody takes donations. Give the kids fucking... Whatever unisive. Give them candy. Send them non-chorkeleton. Let me read some ads

and we'll get the fuck out of here. It's over. It's over. Can this people keep texting me? Where are you? What do you fucking think I am? We are filming tomorrow morning. Go fuck yourself.

I don't give a fuck about you people. Leave me alone. Look at this. 12 text messages. Like, I give a fuck. 12 text messages. And I won't answer one of them. That's the beauty of it.

I erase them all. I don't even give a fuck. Go fuck yourself. There you go. I hope they're watching right now. Huh? I hope they're watching. They can suck my dick, too.

We're on camera. I just realize we're on cameras this whole time. I don't give a fuck. Cam. No camera. My Donald Sterling. I don't give a fuck no more. Let me read some math.

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There you have it, all right? One other thing. I went to Jiu-Jitsu today. I went to Jiu-Zitsu, and then I went home, and my wife had to go somewhere so I had to watch the baby. I couldn't take a shower.

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Anyway, I love you, cocksuckers. I know you got to leave. Thank you very much for coming. And meant the world to me, brother. Thank you for having me, man. It's a pleasure. Because I know you were full fighting traffic. No problem. Totally worth it. At the laugh factory. And I love you for doing this. This is a great podcast. A lot of energy

lead. How are you feeling? I'm good. You have a podcast, right? A Fitzdog Radio. Fitzdog Radio. Like you guys a couple days a week. We're a low class. He's the real deal. He's got a studio.

There's white people working from them. They bring your water. They rub your feet. It's nothing. It's me and you running this show. He's got people working. They call them mister. The fuck.

They call them monsieur. They validate parking and shit. They validate parking. These are real white people. They don't fuck around. They got a Mexican in the lobby that tells you a floor to go up. Sign your name right here. That's the only English you knows.

Sign right now. I love you guys. Stay black. Where are you at? You're working on the road? You're home? Yeah. Fitzdog.com for some dates.

I got Houston coming up and I don't know. It's all on there. Denver. Nice places. I'm going to be in San Francisco at the punchline this weekend. Rocking it out. Fucking Iron Dragon TV will be there.

Lee's going to be home this weekend with the Mexican chick. It's all over. She lives 15 minutes away. He's going to tie her up and put Viagra in her muffler. It's all fucking over. I'm being healing. in Portland next week. And the week before Thanksgiving,

I'll be in Philadelphia, you motherfucking savages. Smoking dope now that's fucking recriminalized. I love you guys. See you in San Francisco this week. Stay black. Thank you, Greg, one more time.

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