The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #228 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: January 30, 2023

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It's Monday morning. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to another episode, Uncle Joey's Joint. Monday the 30th to January. It's over. It was just the holidays. You were just singing fucking happy birthday, happy Christmas,

down, fucking having a good time for New Year's. I thought by now it was like the tent. That's what it feels like to me. Christmas feels like it was 10 fucking days ago, and we're already talking about February motherfucking first on Wednesday. But anyway, it's a good month. We finished it. Now we got a whole new week

with a whole new set of rules. We got a whole new month. Rent is due on fucking Wednesday. So whatever. No snow. People are pissed off. It's not fucking snowing yet. it's not going to snow in February. I can't believe how gullible people are. Listen, you're going to get 100 inches every fucking winter.

It may not be now. It may not be later. But it's coming. I see all these people already taking their bikinis out and fucking roller skates. Like, oh, it's going to be 50 this week. First off, the weather's going to drop again this motherfucking week. And then we're going into the February. Let me tell you something.

Growing up, I would look at those albums when I was a kid. And one thing that was always a constant. there was always snow on February 19th on the floor. So for me, I know it's coming. But for everybody else, fuck them. The residency ended last Saturday. And I got to tell you something, it was great. It was a great experience.

I'm happy it's over. I learned a lot. I'd never done a residency before. And I didn't know how it was going to be. Sony Theater was great. They're fucking, I had a state there on the night. It was fucking great. I didn't eat

We left in a fucking rush It was going to be traffic Lewis CK was doing the guard And the Knicks were playing fucking You know Brooklyn It was fucking crazy And when I didn't even have a chance to eat dinner

When I got there I got to eat something The fucking steak was tremendous It was like I was at a fucking steakhouse I looked at the price It was like $28 and something I'm like what the fuck Sony theater is great

And it was a great venue I just wished I did the shows A little differently like I learned. I don't want to do differently next time. I think I would do like a combo, New York, maybe Philly or Jersey, like once either or once a month.

I don't know. I think I would do more lights, maybe video. I don't know. I don't know. The DJ worked, but not really kind of sort of. Like it was okay. I expected something else from a DJ.

I didn't know. I just saw what they do on these fucking big concerts and shit. So I learned a lot. I wish I would have worked at it a lot more. But like I said, I'm swamped with every other thing in my life, every other facet in my life. You know, this week was fucking weird. Like, I just had a lot of people were doing things Friday. And for some reason or another, my phone didn't stop ringing.

And it's like a friend of mine was having a part. at 5.30 and the mouth of fucking hell. Like the mouth of hell. And I like the guy. He's like my nephew, you know. But my wife is working now. You know, until about 4.35 every day.

She goes in a little later. She works out, whatever. And I just don't have the time that I had. He kept calling me about, like, hey, man, we're going to do this. That's great. I know you're going to like firecrackers and shoot each other. But I can't bring. a fucking 10 year old to a fucking gangster party.

You know what I'm saying? Like it's just not going to work for her. And for you guys, you know. I had another friend of mine from the podcast that I haven't seen like two years. He was having something at Sparks at 6.30 at fucking night. 6 o'clock at night at Sparks. You know what the chances of me fucking getting there? Like, do you have any fucking idea?

And I'm sitting there going like, I feel bad that I got to turn these people down. But obviously they don't listen to the podcast. no more, they don't communicate with me, or they just don't want to, I don't know, I don't know what to expect them people anymore. I just really don't. You know my situation. And then when I tell them I can't go,

they pull fucking rank on me. Like, they get mad at me. Like, what do you mean? You got to come. I fucking can't. For starters, I'm an hour away, and it's Friday with traffic. For me to get the Spark Steakhouse on a fucking Friday,

you know, it's, it's, I have another friend that calls me all the time. And these aren't, like, people I grew up with. Like, I just know them really well. And they constantly, like, hey, man, do you want to come? When I look at the fucking, and this guy's like the master of this shit, he always picks these locations that are the farthest in the world. Like, he hit me up Tuesday night at, like, 10.38.

Are you available tomorrow morning to go an hour and a half from your house to meet me? And I'm like, no. What the fuck? And then he hits me up again Friday night at three to ask me if I could meet him in like fucking Brooklyn or some shit at some Russian bar. And I'm like, and you feel bad. You feel terrible because you can't do shit. But then again, it's like I told these motherfuckers 20,000 times. Amen.

I got a kid. Just give me a little advance, you know? Just give me a little. Well, bring the kid. Let me tell you something. Do you fucking think my daughter wants to get in the car and driving out? Is that what you fucking think? I mean, she's more against it than I am.

My daughter hates getting that car driving longer than 20 minutes. She'll tell you, Dad, is this necessary? Mom, is this not? No, it's not. Fuck it. What are we doing this war? Turn this motherfucker around. You know, she don't want to do.

When we lived in Los Angeles, we lived for seven years with her being the only child. Only child. Whenever I had a party, she'd be there. If we went out to dinner, she'd be there with adults. If we went to a movie, she'd be there. We didn't have what we have in New Jersey.

So now we made a fucking deal when we got here. She's like, listen, I don't want to be anywhere with this. fucking adults. And it's the truth. And sometimes neither do I. You're right, Mike. Near do fucking I. It's like she does it.

You know, I took it to a wedding. And because, again, I felt guilty. As a, you know, as a friend, you feel guilty. I don't have family down here. I rotate one babysitter amongst eight families. When you call this girl, like, I got. to call her two months out and go, hey, man, are you available March 4th or whatever? And people, it's like you tell them, it goes in one ear and it comes out to fuck another. I have never

in my life been in the time period, the last 10 years, where the gift of listening has gone out the window. It's gone out the fucking window. You know, people will ask you a question on Friday, call you two hours later and ask you the same fucking question. And you're like, I'm the retarded one. I'm the one that's got five. Listen, last night I was telling these guys. I got some weed from New York. A friend of mine gave me some New York weed.

It is so fucking bad. And it was like 24%, 25%. Mike, it was so bad. It looked okay, and I put it away for a week, and it just fell apart. after a week it just grew on its own. Like it didn't even have a connection. It didn't even have a dirt. I can see if somebody gave me a plant

and the pot kept growing. It was just buds and it kept growing and it kept getting ugly. And finally when I smelled it, it smelled like pure fucking dirt. So the other day, no, because I'm at this dispensary, it's better than Joey.

I go, listen. I'm not saying that my weed is the best but it's anything better than I smoked around fucking here. It's way better than anything that's growing around. here. It's just not working for you, motherfuckers. It's not. You're paying

top dollar. It smelled like fucking dirt. I don't even the point of the story. We have a fucking point. That's what happens when you do a bonger before the motherfucking, before the podcast. You know, it's like, I want to call that weed that we got autism. Because compared to the fucking shit, yeah,

compared to the shit that people give me to try out, it's fucking autism weed. I told the guys from laughing gas Saturday night, I go, our next batch anything over 36% is going to be called autism because that's what this weed gives you

I had a friend that almost pass out here this week he puked twice from doing two fucking bong hits and you're going to come tell me that you got better fuck it's like people always want to like pick a fight with you or argue with you but the main thing is it's like the listening level in this country has gone out the fucking window

I remember when podcasting started I was very against the video. You know that, right? Because I was so pissed. And Leo, I'll tell you, Leah can curses with me. I realized that we had, when I came up, I listened to albums growing up, comedy albums. I listened to music albums. I fucking love albums because it exploits the gift of hearing, listening, something we don't do anymore.

I don't know what the fuck happened. You know, I see people walking around with earpots, you know, they listen to their own world. It's the weirdest thing. So people are listening. It's just that fucking, I don't know if it comprehends. You could tell somebody something on a Tuesday and on Thursday they'll repeat the same thing they did wrong on a fucking Tuesday. And then on Saturday they'll do the same thing and on Monday they'll do the same thing.

And when you ask them, they'll look at you and go, oh, I thought it was for that day. No, no, no, no. It's for every fucking day. It's for every fucking day It's like when you go on a diet You just don't eat On days you want to eat And like today I'm gonna go on a diet

Tomorrow I'm gonna fucking eat milkshakes And cheesecake pies Whatever the fuck they are It's like people forget It's every day When you get up every day You pee You wash your hand

You throw water in your face You brush your teeth That's not what you just do on Monday It's every fucking day So ask Lee, when we started the podcast, our main goal was I wanted people to listen. You ever see a picture from the 50s of a family? What's a family doing in the fucking 50s? They're not sitting there with iPods on fucking, three of them were fucking, you know.

No, they're sitting around the radio, not saying a word. Listening. Listening. I got a hard time here at the house. I love my wife to death, but during the show, she'll go on a fucking chatter about something that's got nothing to do with what's going on. And she's passed it on to my daughter. See, I play deaf. I play deaf.

I am deaf, but I play deaf even better. If there's ever an actor that can play death, it's going to be me. I'm going to win the Academy Award. Nobody plays death better than me. I just sit there and stare right at that TV, and I don't fucking budge. those two fucking knuckleheads, my wife and my daughter, they'll fuck, you know, and then they'll, one of them will say something, and they'll talk over a whole fucking 20-minute section of where the meat and potatoes.

I just sit there and I don't say nothing until about a week ago, and I had to say, like, guys, that's it. I'm fucking really deaf now. At this point, I'm really deaf. Me acting deaf is just bullshit now. So they'll sit there. Somebody will say something, and then they'll talk right over it. And I had to tell them, listen, no talking to the commercial.

Any question you want to ask? Ask during the commercial. Because both of the years drive me fucking crazy. The both of you. They don't know how to fucking listen to both of them. So now we're only allowed to talk during the commercials. But I want you to work on the gift of fucking listening guys. And I see people do it constantly, especially kids.

Watch kids. You know, you say something. Hold on. Well, this is how you do it on. Michael, you take the string. No, but that's what I was doing. You didn't fucking listen to me, cock sucker. You didn't listen to me at all.

You just jumped on me. And guess who used to do that? I did that until about 15 fucking years ago. Even a little longer, 20 years, I learned that you have to fucking listen. Stand-up comedy is about fucking listening. When you're on stage, as deaf as I've been for years

and the concerts and blowing smoke in my ear and fucking putting crack, whatever the fuck I did in my ears. Think about when you're on stage how precise your timing has to be. So I'm listening for that at all fucking times. So what I'm trying to tell you is I learned how to be deaf

but just to listen for what's important. Do you follow what that is? So when I'm on stage and you're throwing fucking heat on stage and you have to insert the jokes in between their fucking when they're breathing. That takes years to fucking develop. That takes years.

And it comes from listening. So you listen to that particular thing. For years, I was having a hard time. I have hearing aids. I wear them all the time until the pandemic because they fly out. Not because I'm basically deaf. Because for years, I would strain my ears listening for the laughter. In between the chitter chatter.

in between the fucking idiot asking the waiter what the specials are. You know what the specials are? Budweiser. Drink it. That's it. Just gin and tonic, whatever the fuck of it. But all that shit,

I had to just listen to you people breathing. So I could anticipate the joke. Think about what a fucking comedian does. This is what people don't fucking, this is what I tell you. Don't fucking talk during the show. Don't. And this is what to tell you to protect you and other people around you.

When you go to the movie theaters and you want to chit-chat to your fucking friend on the phone, listen, get up. Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. When I was a fucking civilian, I'd go to the movies for six fucking hours and sit there and smoke dope all day. Guess what happens when you become a fucking human being? People call you for work. People fucking work in the daytime.

So I would go to the movie theaters for years, try to focus, and then some fucking agent texts you, and you're like, God damn it. And you're sitting there, now the thing, the call starts to eat away at you. You're like, this is my livelihood. I got to answer this fucking call. You know, so you get up, and now you just defeated the purpose. You just defeated the whole fucking movie. Now you had to step out for six fucking minutes and go back in. My point is, I don't even know what my point is.

My point fucking is that We just forgot to listen over the years We just want to talk and we want to be us And we want to fucking be stars and I get it I fucking get it But if you're not listening You're not fucking living guys It's just not gonna fucking work for you

But over the years with comedy I couldn't believe that When I started not hearing things I asked questions You know I had a doctor and I called him one day A doctor friend in L.A. And I called him And he connected me with a guy that just worked with ears.

I don't know what they're fucking an ear, nose and throat doctor. And we were talking about the levels of death, how you go to dep up. And he was like, what I don't understand is how you're a comedian. And that's when it got interesting in the conversation. Because he's like, if you're not, he goes, I don't believe that. You're really deaf. Because what do you do on stage? And I'm like, oh, shit.

This motherfucker's got a point here. So I started seeing that when I would be at restaurants at night, eating, before I got the hearing aids. Like, let's say I was having dinner with Mike. Mike could be telling me about his favorite band, about a basketball game, about his favorite guitar. And I'll tell you what, even though Mike was looking at me, I could not hear fucking Mike.

Even though I'm reading his lips, I would have to stretch and read his lips, and now I'm getting fucking sick from fucking straining my eyeballs. But I would hear in the restaurant, even though I was looking at Mike, I could hear forks. I could hear the dishwasher in the back. like fucking throwing the forks in the water.

I could see when he piled the dishes up. Even though there were tables all around me listening, and I was listening to them, I couldn't hear that conversation. I could hear this shit farthest away from me. So that's how we figured out that I'm not really death. I needed fucking... Yes.

Guys, this is the most fucked up thing. It fucked me up for a long time. I was having a hard time with it, But, you know, who gives a fuck? I'm deaf. All I'm saying is, guys, listen, if you really want to do well in your lives, you got to listen. You got to listen. You know, when I do comedy, I am not a prima donna by no, you know.

Mike, we're not doing the show. There's white M&Ms in the room, you know. You see the green room at the New York. You've seen the other green rooms when you come to my show. there's not flowers out and fucking tons of food. You know, I don't even, even the clubs that said to me, Joey, fucking the writer, you know, you didn't put anything on your writer.

Is there anything you want? I'm like water. You know, and they'll go, no alcohol. And I'm like, you know what? Put 12 beers in there for my friends when they come down after the show or whatever. And they'll go, okay, you know, whatever. Guys, I don't, I mean, we all get, we all can't wait. Like, you know, we all can't wait.

Can you imagine fucking tomorrow you're in a band mic and Guns and Roses calls that band and go, you're going on tour with them? You know, if this was 30 years ago, you go, holy shit, I've been to go get a liquid IV in me and some IV bottles because these motherfucking guns and roses are going to punish me with the alcohol

and the drug abuse and, you know, whatever. I'm not saying that they're junkies. I'm just saying that the fucking 80s, 70s, and 90s, you know, people, People fucking went out and lost their mind. Not everybody's, uh... Look at these bands today. You don't hear anything about them.

They fall off state and not even partying. I don't get me... What's the guy that's light with the shoes? I forget what this fight. He's all tattooed up. Post Malone. Then he fall off state twice. He ain't even no quailutes.

You know what I'm saying? He ain't even no vikinns or that like that. This guy's falling off state. They don't, you know, they don't even... Yeah, they don't even fucking... They don't even need any, you know. When we were growing up, these bands went out and lost their fucking minds. I mean, they fucking drank.

They put octopuses of women's pussies. They fucking, you know, did orgies. You watched the Motley Crew movie. So when you anticipate going on a fucking tour with somebody, you're like, oh, shit, we can't wait to see what the fucking Green Room is like. That's going to be a party. It's going to be fucking Motley Crew and Def Leopard. And people are going to be, women are going to be licking my ball.

and sniffing my farts and I'm, you know, and then you get there and it is what it is, you know, and I understand that. If I was the opening act of fucking guns and roses, I'm throwing away my AA card. You know what I'm saying? There's no reason to have an AA card or to have an NA sponsor.

You're going down. It's just the way it is. Unless you're just going to be a fucking, if you're just going to be, whatever the fuck you call it, you know. I'm not going to drink, and after three months they're going to fire you anyway. But that's not the,

The situation here. The situation are, what is a green room? What are the expectations of a green room? You know, when you're a feature actor, an MC, and you don't know any better,

you go into the fucking green room thinking, oh shit, you know, before the show, we're going to fucking do this and shoot heroin and, you know, and then you get to the room

and the headline is, when you walk in the room, the headline is reading a book. And you're like, am I in the right? fucking that place you know

am I in the and you learn from that headliner you're like holy shit I want in there to fucking smoke pot I brought a bag

of mushrooms I brought a chick that you know is loose and all this shit and now this guy's reading a fucking book then you walk

into another green room and that guy is fucking whatever losing his mind drinking fucking you know when I was

developing was a big difference than when I got to L.A. in 2000, when I got to L.A. and started rocking and rolling like 2013. It was a different green room from 97 for me to 2007 or 2000 or whatever. When I was on the road doing triple runs and just working on my own, I wasn't the Captain Kirk of the fucking green room. I was a guest in the green room. There's a lot of emcees and features today that will say to me,

hey, man, I got to ask you a question. I worked with a comic last week and wasn't the nicest guy in the world but he didn't allow us in the in the green room. Is that right? And I go, you know what? A headliner can do what the fuck he wants. You know, maybe he's got people in there,

maybe he's got a girl in there, maybe he's got something that he doesn't want to see you do. Nobody's guaranteed in the fucking green room. I mean, the headline has got to be a real dick not to let you in, but you know what I fucking mean. I mean, it's like but people's expectations of the green room, are fucking crazy.

By the time I was a feature act, I knew that the green room didn't mean anything to me because, A, I didn't drink, and B, I wasn't going to do Coke before the fucking show anyway. So, you know, what the fuck am I doing this for? So after a while, the green room just became the green room. You can't smoke pot in the fucking green room

unless you get to that level. Then they'll fucking let you go. So you had to walk around the corner to smoke a joint. And that was the end of it, me and then I was on the road with Rogan and that green room was a couple of joints we giggled we drank some water and we basically laughed in that green room there was no girls there was me rie duncan red band joe you know tate it was just a bunch of guys they would do jiu jitsu in there they would bring in mats and roll and take their shoes off you know but meanwhile the people in the audience

are like oh my god what's going on back there we got to get back there there's nothing going on back there. You're just going to be a fucking, you're just going to be a guy standing. It's not even fair. You know, they're in their own fucking world, you know, but people would go back there and call me like a week later and go, that wasn't an uneventful green room. Yeah, what did you expect? Fucking circus, DeFle. What the fuck did you expect? And then, you know, I started headlining a little bit. I was featuring. I got off the road for a while. And I'll never forget going back on the road after the church. And I was in Buffalo one day.

And some guy came up to me outside. I think I was working with Lee and Dean. Listen, I can't set the world on fire, but Dean and Lee definitely don't set the fucking world on fire. Sweetheart of a guy. In fact, I saw Dean the other night and it was fucking really great to see him. I forgot how much I missed him. But we're not light in the room on fire, you know?

Some kid came out to me in Buffalo. I'm not kidding you. He had $500 bills, and he goes, I want to give you $500 if I could sit in the green room with you guys for 10 minutes. And it really, like, I was like, nah, I'm not taking your money if you want. And after about three minutes, I go, you know what, I feel bad for this guy. I want to show him what a green room is. And I went out and I caught his attention.

I caught his eye and I'm like, you know, come over here. Look at me. And he's like, what's up? I'll come here for a second. I want to bring in the green room. It's like, really, he was all excited. And we walked in there and it was Lee writing a joke and Dean listening to his fucking set from the night before. And I'm just sitting there.

And I go, if you want to hit that fucking half a joint, that's it. There's a water in the refrigerator. And he was blown the fuck away. He's like, where's the hose? Where's the booze? Where's the bottles? And I go, Doug, I'm not going to lie to you. I don't know what the fuck movie or whatever you wrote.

But this isn't even, this doesn't happen anymore. a lot of comics aren't even doing this shit no more. And to be honest to you, it's unacceptable. A comedy club is not going to allow that. When I got into comedy, when I started traveling, 98, guys, we had some fucking savages on the road. You had, and I'm not throwing anybody under the bus. Everybody's aware of these problems that we've all had. You had myself on the road doing fucking Coke till, you know, it didn't end.

You had the kid from a living color passing out. at different locations. I mean, passing the fuck out. He went missing a couple times. Comedy clubs, he would work Friday, and then they couldn't find them

until Sunday. What's his name? A Wains or which one? No, it wasn't a way. No, the other guy, the little guy from a living cub, a skinny black dude, thin, great fucking guy.

I'm not saying anything bad about him. I'm telling you a fact that when, in 1998, 99, there was some fucking And people who were, you know, they were like cousins to Richard Pryor. Myself, Pablo Francisco was known for being fucking wild. Mitch Hedberg, George Lopez fell off a couple fucking stools.

People don't remember they had to give him a new kidney. People don't remember this shit, you know. There was like six or seven comics that could die on the road at any fucking time. every Monday you heard about a different story whether it be myself and I wasn't even headlining I was a feature act causing fucking headaches for people but you're talking about myself Pablo the skinny kid from in living color he left one night the skinny kid with living color was in Miami and one night he made the biggest mistake of his life he got in a car with Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston that motherfucker was supposed to get honored by the city of

Miami the next day never showed and he had three sold-outes shows the next night he sold he showed up at a quarter date and they couldn't find them all day he was filming from the mouth they had to give him like 10 cups of coffee then he got on stage and had a breakdown you know fucking Mitch headberg fucking and i don't know what year it was with a hotel had to call the club and go your fucking comic is walking in the hotel with shit running down his leg he had like a diaper on and just shit was running down his leg bro we had some major league fucking boozes. And before then you had the Kennisans and the

you know, Lenny Bruce's and the, you know, the stories are endless. When you're on the road, you're fucking getting down. You know what I'm saying? What are we talking about green rooms? Yeah. Now in today's fucking comedy world, that's not acceptable, guys. That's not acceptable. I know a couple

comedy clubs that you're not allowed to bring a fucking girl in the green room unless you're married to her and shit like that. I've heard through different things that people have tried to, like, just bring like a friend. Like, you know, you have a friend in Kentucky. You're flying to Kentucky. The girl comes in. The owner's like, I can't have a girl going to the green room unless you sign a waiver.

That's how fucking bad it's been out there. So for all you people that think we're shooting everyone in the fucking green room, would not. Hold on one second. Now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors. All right, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. When you feel empowered, you're more prepared to take on everything life grows at you. Therapy can get you to that place. When I was not doing well when we moved, I had anxiety.

I reached out to BetterHelp, and they were tremendous. Dana helped me. She gave me different little exercises to do and writing assignments. Better help is the therapy option that is convenient, flexible, affordable, and entirely online. Just fill out a brief questionnaire. get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for an additional charge, for no additional charge. It can be easier.

If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Again, betterhelp.com slash Diaz today, and I'm going to get your 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. All right, we're back. We're talking about fucking green rooms. The purpose of the green room isn't the party. Before the fucking show starts, I want to go down there.

I just want to be with me for one fucking ten minutes. You just drove there. You got cut off. You had to find parking spot. The fucking guy didn't believe you were the comic. He didn't see your picture. I mean, there's a thousand fucking things. Your wife is pissed.

You had to take the wrong car. You had a flat. There's so many things going on. in anybody's life, never mind a fucking comics. So when he walks into a fucking gig, he just wants to go downstairs and relax. And the two other comics that are working with him, it's understood.

It's just a general thing that it's understood that, hey, when we go down there, we're going to be polite, we're going to tip the waitstaff. You know, if you order food or beer from the waitstaff, You need to tip them. Not, you know, like you're tipping some chick at a bar, but double, because that's a, that makes an impression of me. Like fucking Joey brought people that didn't tip.

No. Fucking tip and double. You know, there's all these little things when you go down there that I just don't want, you know, if there's a TV, I'll live with that, but I don't want you coming down. I'm about to do comedy. What makes you think I want to talk about your pet fucking cat? what makes you think I want to talk about your grandmother that's been in the hospital for two weeks. We don't want to talk about any of that shit. After this show, I'll talk to you about anything you want and even fucking it and throw into the conversation.

I'm all in with you. But before the fucking show, I want to keep it light. What'd you have for breakfast? Eggs, you know, shit like that. I don't know what the fuck people are talking about. You know, when I did these Sony shows, I would get them to be 20 people in the green room. smoking dope and jumping up and down. I go, what the fuck is this?

And I had to say to them a couple times. Like, guys, when we get in here, come on, man. Clear it the fuck out. You know, I had plenty tickets to fucking show. Ten tickets of fucking show. It all depended on it, whether they were sold out or not. And, you know, guys like Mike would call me up and go, hey, man, I'm going to come to the show tonight. Okay, I'll give you a ticket.

I mean, I only got 10 shows. And I would get a call back 10 minutes later. Can I bring four other people? Or I wouldn't even get that call back. They just showed up there with fucking eight people. And then I had, you know, this is the things that when you're preparing for a show, you don't want to fucking deal with this shit. I don't want to deal with this shit.

I got a show to do in front of 500,000, 2,000, 3,000 people. This is why my wife doesn't come to these shows. Because I don't want to worry about it's too cold in the green room. I don't give a fuck. That's not my problem. Dress warm, motherfucker. But I'm not going to be, you know, you give people tickets and then that out of the show, they're calling you up. I'm outside.

I don't know what to. I had a friend of mine called me last night in the fucking green room to ask me where the bathroom was at the place. Why are you fucking calling me? I'm in the fucking green room and you're calling me from upstairs in your chair to ask me if there's a, back room in this joint and you're like you know so all you're enthusiastic like you have you i tell people all the time don't bet a fighter when he's fighting at home like if he's fighting in memphis or i don't know whatever the fuck he's from boston and he's making his home bet against him because he's getting tortured and you just get tortured people just expect and they don't

understand that you're preparing for a fucking the fight of your life, whether it's a comedy show, whether it's a fight, whether whatever, it's over. Like, I don't want to fucking hear from you with dumb shit because I don't even know what you're talking about. I'm getting ready for a show. That's all I know. And if, and as a fucking friend of mine, you should know that. I'm getting ready for a show.

Oh, well, we're at the ticket. window and they won't let us send what what do you want me to do what the fuck do you want me to do you want me to get up go upstairs get pulled by people people pulling my fucking neck last night Saturday night we had a situation that my nephew is like I don't even know how you do this we get outside we get in the car we say our goodbyes thank you good night we're driving away and I hear a fuck is that noise like something like so somebody chasing us. I turn around.

I mean, Jay, the driver, was doing maybe 20 miles an hour down that street, you know, when you pull out of the theater. Doc, some girl, 50 yards, was running next to the window. And I'm like, I lowered the window. I'm like, what are you doing? And she's like, you got to stop. I got to take a picture. I mean, this chick was run.

Then she held on to the door, and all I kept thinking about was that scene and almost famous. when he's on the train and the chick's like saying call your mother and he's like okay and he keeps talking to her and she runs and all of a sudden

there's a fucking beam and she runs into it that's what I told Jay stop she's gonna fucking die this chick chased the fucking car for 60 yards full speed ahead

with heels on I had to stop take a picture with her tell her I love this she was gonna be all right my nephew called me he goes what the fuck was that

I go dog how crazy are people get and they're out of their fire listen all that shit is fun i love the people i run into my whole point of this fucking thing was i was talking about green rooms and what they're basically really for they're basically for the guy to go in there or whitney cummings or burke risher or whatever the fuck they are or just a mumbo jumbo headliner that's getting his comedy career started to go in there and unfold for 10 minutes before the show not have to deal with anything like i don't want to deal with anything like i don't i really don't give a fuck i don't have time to deal with this right now just you know

and that's what the green room is for so if you're friends with a comic a fucking musician whatever the fuck you're friends with this is what those things are for not for you and your friends to go in there before the fucking event or to fight and wish him luck he don't need luck if he needed a fucking luck you know he don't need your fucking wish or luck just after the show go up to him and say whatever the fuck you want but before that he's got his mind on one fucking thing performing playing singing playing the drums whatever the fuck he does that's it don't get offended if you don't get the reception that you were anticipating his mind is there's somewhere else and it should be it's time for people to start thinking about other people

like where's their mind at like when somebody tells you go fuck yourself or i'm busy or something you can't get mad you have to stop for a second and go where's his mind that what is going on with his fucking world where is he at at this fucking moment oh i get it i didn't think about it like that and i think that that's what's going on a lot and that's what bothers me a lot my main concern is nobody has nobody considers your life anymore it's what the fuck they're doing and what the fuck they want to do from short films to fucking

you know rust to whatever it's everything about what they want to do and they never go whoa what the fuck is going up with them i forgot joey has a 10 year old daughter and the things that piss me off the most about when people invite me the things that these are all people who are parents It's not like that I hang out with 20-year-olds that don't know life. These are 50-year-old men and women that know the position on men. Why the fuck are you even telling me this shit?

You got a party coming up in a month. Put the feeler out. Send me the invite. You know, I don't have babysitters. I don't have all this shit. I don't have family here. You know, my friends are from fucking an hour away. They're not going to come down here and babysit me

because I want to go to a restaurant or a party. We don't have it no more. So it's not that I don't want to go to your Saturday thing. You know, I told you, motherfucker, before I got here, I'd be mad at my friends. Like, how the fuck happened? You've seen Mike in nine months. We used to hang out together every day.

And you're like, well, Mike works days. I work nights. And I'm like, that's, that's fucking, you know, that's a bullshit fucking excuse. But I didn't realize how bad it was until I got here. Because everything you're going to do, you got to add two hours. two hours to do something because of the driving.

You know how many days I got two hours to throw away? I don't. You don't know how many nights? I don't. You know, I've been in fucking Jersey three years. I've been in New York City ten times. Five of them were for the show.

Two or three of them were for, fucking auditions, one was for a premiere. It's not like I jump up and down, so it's not like I don't want to do things. It's that I'm smoking for. If I find a window, I'll make it to your fucking party.

If I find the window, I'll try to make it to your dinner. You know, Saturday nights, I was doing dinner with my friends every other Saturday, you know, every other month when we had time. And even them, we had to stop because everybody's living their own fucking world. So just think about what other people are fucking going through. As a matter of fact, I want to talk about the elephant in the goddamn room. Because I don't know what's going to happen today. I don't know what's going to happen this morning. That tape got released Friday night.

that young man in Memphis. Guys, I'm not a political guy. I'm not going to tell you, I know what's going on in the world because I fucking don't, but I know people. You know,

I didn't even know it was getting released Friday night to be honest with you. Again, we are so, you know, I'm so over the fucking news and I'm so involved with what I have going on in front of me that my social skills are fucking horrific.

I don't know what's going on the world socially. Because let's face it, The world is fucking crazy right now. You know, you wake up some days and you go, what the fuck am I even reading? Why the fuck is this getting printed, you know, between the fucking George Santos.

I don't know what that idiot is doing. Whoever voted from should be shot, hung, and fucking taking that voter card away to Pamela Anderson. Tim Allen's fucking dick. I had to put up with that shit last week. And there's a video that he did 20 years ago where he bent over. And he showed her her dick.

You know, every week you ask yourself, is this really the world? What is going on in the world anymore? That's what this podcast is going to get called. Never mind the joint. That's what I should change it to. What is going on the world anymore? You can just do an hour on some of this shit. Because nobody gives the fuck.

Remember I told you motherfuckers that a bunch of books are going to start coming out, that they paid extra to people to say stupid shit? Remember I told you motherfucking six months ago? that when I got my book, they started creeping around, asking me stupid questions. I'm like, listen, guys, I just want to tell my story. Well, isn't there anything? I don't know nothing.

You want me to be a crime stopper to sell books on shit that didn't happen. And if it happened, it was 20 fucking years ago. Listen, Pamela Anderson, have you seen Tim Allen's dick? That's the best day of your fucking life. Because that's the only normal dick you've seen. Kid Rock, he fucked a thousand redneck chick for the herpes. His dick looks like a hammerhead fucking shark. What do you think Tommy Lee's looks like?

Well, you're all seen the fucking special. And she's complaining about this. Who would even believe her? Who would, like, who gives the fuck? But that's the world we live in now. I actually saw people arguing about it on fucking Twitter about Tom. Who was lying? Who wasn't lying?

If your life, if anything was happening in your life, it wouldn't fucking matter. You know? So, but it's, it's like every week you wake up to something fucking, that you're like, this, this, this has to be a joke. Like, this has to be a fucking joke. But guess what? It fucking ain't. But what happened in fucking Memphis, you don't look at,

I could tell you, I watched the tape and, you know, I had to turn it off. No, first off, I've seen this tape before. In 1991 and 1992, with the guy in L.A., the four fucking cops beating up Rodney King in L.A. We've all seen this tape before. This just magnified to a different thing. fucking level. What I can't believe is, and again, this is what I have a hard time with in life these days is with a magnifying glass on you, there's a magnifying glass on every police officer.

As a matter of fact, there's a magnifying glass on each of us right now. If you don't know that, you're fucking, you know, I was watching the Memphis game. I didn't even watch it. I just watched this thing that happened. Memphis was playing the Lakers, and Shannon Sharp got into an argument with one of the players. Guys, there was, nothing even happened, and I counted, I didn't even count, I'm just saying, and a roughly estimate, I counted 2,000 people with cameras out

within two fucking seconds. Like, it's on automatic, like, instead of, you know, like when people pull the gun on you, you try to shoot them back, no, people got their phones now on, like, speed, Like I put mine on the hip. It's quicker to fucking, you know, be a crime stopper. It was hard to believe that all these people had their phones out, taping this incident. Number one, what's it got to do with you?

But we're living through a fucking phone lens now. You go to a concert, everybody's got that lens out, taping everything. The taping is unnecessary. It's going into your memory bank. If you have a fucking memory bank, if I have a fucking memory bank, and I did all these drugs and acid and pills, you normal motherfuckers got to have a fucking memory bank. I still remember Dave Gilmore

on top of that fucking wall playing comfortably numb. I still remember fucking Joe Perry busting that fucking guitar on stage in 1977 before Ted Nugent. We're talking fucking 40 years ago. I still have those memories etched in my fucking head, you know, and you're going to tell me you're going to sit there with a fucking dude.

fucking camera taping. Come on, guys. But it's right now, everybody's got a fucking magnifying glass on them. God forbid you do anything fucking wrong. You tell somebody you mind their business, 20 people at the parking lot have their fucking cameras out. We're all under a major spotlight. I'm not telling you you cannot be you. I'm not telling you that.

I'm not telling you that you have to walk around, you know. No, you always have to be you. But with a magnifying glass on you as a police officer, This is what you give us. This is not about black or white anymore. This is what it's got to do about a handful of fucking, just people who are fucking psychos that are supposed to be protecting us. So how are we supposed to feel?

You know, as an American now, how are you supposed to feel? You got lied about, you know, you got lied about you. You're fucking, we were supposed to save you from a fucking COVID. We get lied to every fucking day. Every day we're getting lied to it. And then when somebody does raise their hand, what do they say? Oh, they're doing our false information. No, everybody's giving out fucking false information.

Everybody's giving it the fuck out. So right now we're faced with another fucking dilemma. Like the trust in this country, you know, must be shit. I mean, I have a fucking Christian, Christian, father-in-law, Christian, father-in-law, Christian, mother-in-law. I've never slipped around them. worked my best, never to slip. I respect him.

When he said that COVID was bullshit, I almost fell off my, this guy's never cursed in front of me, 23 fucking years. He started going off about this is the reason they told people to take vaccines and to do this, to lie to, I mean, this is bullshit.

So now for this to happen on top of everything that, you know, it's not a white guy no more driving down the street. It's not a fucking black guy driving down the street. with two black cow or two white cops beating up on them we don't know what the fuck is going on anymore you know we don't know what the fuck is going on anymore so my prayers go out to Tyree his family for what happened a lot of people are talking about this I'm not going to go into this into what I because I don't know I wasn't there I'm just seeing what you saw at the

camera there must have been more but whatever the fuck happened it didn't justify for what happening on that. And you guys know, I support Blue. I love the cops, man. I got no problem with him. This is not called for me to debunk the police or make things fucking worse. This just call... Yeah. You can't call for debunked the police.

Those are stupid fucking words right now. All we could do is try to make them better. I mean, we got to work a little harder. You know, listen, I've been arrested a thousand times. I'm a walking, living, breeding criminal.

I never ever had a cop touch me because it was always yes sir no sir and you know I left my ego at the door so when I see this shit even to me like I know a lot of people expect me to say from fucking shit about cops I can't

I cannot sit here because I've been done great things cops have done great things for me way before this shit If cops didn't help me out when I was younger, we wouldn't be doing this podcast. I'd still be behind fucking bars because they understood, you know, they listen to my story. They looked beyond what the fuck was going on there. You know, a cop's job, a cop, a guy that works in a prison, a probation officer, all these people get lied to 200,000 times a fucking debt.

I didn't do it. I don't know who did it It wasn't me It wasn't my fault We all get lied to 200,300,000 fucking times a day Especially in today's world You know

So when you approach a cop Or you talk to a cop If you're not talking to him from the heart And from your hip And from your fucking soul It's not gonna work for you Because they get so much shit Thrown at them

And again, I'm not sticking up for anybody here I saw the tapes But I'm also a 60 year old man and I know what goes on the streets I'll tell you one thing that was not justified It's never justified But again

With those situations I don't know what was going on I don't know what was What happened the moment before that You know I don't know if those five cops Tried to get their dicks up From the cops in fucking Nashville That chubby little white chick

And she said no And now they're angry I'm just trying to add some fucking humor to this situation That's really humorous What the fuck made those five, six, because now they've got a press charge

on a white cop that nobody saw. You know, yeah. So it's just sad, man. In other words, don't get pulled over. That's what I tell people at the time. Mind your fucking business. And yes, sir, and no, sir. They got the fucking, you know,

they got you guys. And with that, that's it, motherfuckers. It's another Monday morning motherfucking podcast. It's February. That's it. We got to work hard and work better. We got a long fucking year,

so we're going to make this motherfucker work. I'm feeling good. I'm looking good. What I'm going to do now, my plan is to take February, March, April, promote the book, do the audio book.

You know, everybody talked me out of doing the audio book that said it's a pain the ass. But you know what? I love you motherfuckers. I'm going to do the, fucking audio book because I want to do it my way. I don't want no Harvey fucking homo reading my fucking book with like a little

fucked up voice. So you guys like a lot of people read the tweets in my voice. So fuck it. I'm excited for that. That's going to take time, guys. So I'm going to take some time, clear my head, get a little stronger, see what I want to do with comedy, see what I want to do with the rest of my fucking year, whatever. And I'm just really excited for the book.

this was a goal that I always wanted to do so I'm going to give it 100% of my effort and then in May I'll reevaluate the situation see if I want to go back to the Sony Theater which I probably would and maybe add a different one in Jersey Laughing Gas should be in Jersey by July in Atlantic City

so we'll have a new home in Atlantic City I'm very happy about that Laughing Gas is doing some great fucking things. I mean, they got a blunt coming out. And he brought one of them Saturday night, and it was just fucking outstanding. I love all that shit. I used to like Speedweed.

Gino at Speedweed had a fucking tremendous blunt for years. And he would bring me three or four of them every Tuesday to the comedy store. But we moved beyond the comedy store, so now we're here. So I'm happy. Man, I'm happy things are going my way. I completed the residency. It was five shows. I just wanted to see where it would take me, where I would go, and how I would feel.

And now I know what I'm thinking, what I need to do better, what I don't need to do, and hopefully we'll bring it back a lot stronger, guys. And that's it. That's all I got for you today. Don't forget, we had championship weekend, soup bowls in two weeks, and if you're running out of weed, why fuck around? go to stoner club.com listen guys I got some edibles from them the other day

some true dose if you don't eat those true dose chocolate you're fucking missing out you don't need a lot of those they got some fucking kick to them I got some edibles for you Mike some laughing gas new edibles uh they're more Delta 8 and stuff like that

but you know they do the trick I got up in the middle of night to piss Saturday night and I was fucked up Jack He called me. He's like, have you feeling anything? I go, no, not that much. I gave it another howl.

When I got up in the middle of night to pee, I was like, holy shit, I am fucked up. I got to get back to bed before I pass out. But anyway, stoner club.com. They got some great fucking refron there. They deliver in New Jersey. New York is open. I don't know what their schedule is in New York.

I got you in New Jersey now. It's nice. It's easy. They're reliable. They're safe. They'll deliver right to your daughter. Let you know what time they're going to be there. And they're just great people, man.

It's easy. You don't have to fuck around, stand online like a fucking dunce at some place, fill out shit. But that's it and that's that. I love you motherfuckers in all my heart. Have a great week. Welcome to motherfucking February. And I'll see you guys next Sunday, next Monday. Tip-top, motherfucking McGoo.

Stay black. All right. I want to thank you, Savage's again. Thank you for all the support. Thank you for being here. It's going to be a great month, February. Before we roll, this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. When you feel empowered, you're more prepared to take on everything life throws at you.

Therapy can get you to that place. Listen, I was stuck two years ago. I worked with Dana at BetterHelp for about a year, and I'll tell you, I felt a lot better. Took a few months. She gave me options and different things to do, and it was just great. Listen, fill out a brief questionnaire, and we're going to match you with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. BetterHelp is therapy option that is convenient, flexible, affordable, and entirely online.

If you want to live a more empowered life, therapy can get you there. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Again, visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz. I want to get your 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. The joint is also brought to you by the freeze pipe. If you're tired of harsh smoke and coughing attacks, it's time to upgrade to freeze pipe.

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And I'll see you Savage's next Monday morning. Tip Top Magoo. Stay black, cocks, I just love you.