The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #229 - Joey Diaz, Sam Tripoli and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: November 11, 2014

Sam Tripoli, Comedian and co-host of The Punch Drunk podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  Jam on It - Newcleus I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Party Train - The Gap Band Recorded on 11/10/2014

This show is sponsored by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and you use code word church to get 10% off of your order of any of their great products. AlphaBrain, New Mood, ShrmTac Immune, Shroom Tech Sport, and Strong Bone. And again, use code word church to get 10% off. This show is also sponsored by hit eSigs.com. That's hit the letter E.Sigs.com. Better tasting, longer lasting. The proof is in the vape.

They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars. Use code word Joey's church. That's Joey's Church. That's Joey's Church. get 20% off of your order. Are you kidding me or what? Monday, November 10th. Fucking tremendous.

Fuck Monday night football. Take those bong hits, a couple donuts, some chocolate milk, put your feet up, relax with the church motherfuckers. Here we go. Oh shit. Who's breaking? Go, go, go, go.

Go trip. Go trip. Go trip. Go trip. Go trip. Oh shit. Ladies and gentlemen. The church coming to you

Blass him Put that music on Lee What the fuck Oh shit Oh shit Whatever the fuck you were doing You ain't doing no more Ricky Ricky Ricky Ricky Ricky Ricky Ricky Ricky Ricky Ricky Ricky Ricky Ricky Ricka

Ricka Ricka Ricka Ricka Ricka Damn on it Jam on it Don't stop Your body Rock Are you fucking getting me What were you doing with your life

November 10th day the devil took it the muffler. Where's the devil? There he is. Oh shit. Robo. Robot. Robot.

Robo. This is too much. This is too much. I've seen these motherfuckers open up for Prince. Keep it up, Lee. Keep this motherfucker. Get up. Get up.

Cocksuckuckuckers. The Marines' birthday today. Get up. Here we go. Here we go. Black people. What? What?

Are you fucking kidding me or what? Are you kidding me? I used to kill it. This is a minute. You haven't stopped. We're just in a groove right now. Doing bumps. Forget about it.

What do you know about this, Lee? What? I know nothing about it. Are you fucking kidding me? Lee, you never break dance? Oh, I broke dance, but no, not with the bumps. The other thing you broke was the table. Who are you kidding?

I danced on the floor. When did you break dance? You haven't broke dancing? I did a lot before we met. I did a lot before we met. I don't fuck out of here. The church, what's happened now, you bad motherfuckers? My main man, Lee Syatt.

with the Israeli flag throwing heat back there. And his main man guest tonight, Mr. Sammy Trips, what up, you bad motherfucker? What's the word, Joey Diaz? You know, Johanna's. Bringing it back to the old days. Old school. No, no, no.

Early 80s. I'm telling you. That's the, I don't know what happened today. Today, I heard that on Sirius something. What's your channel? I like backspin? No, I'm, uh, what was it? You're a vinyl?

Vinyl. Vinyl's good. Ozzy's bone yard. Like 80s? Lithium? Lithium is badass. Lithium is badass. Yo, let me ask you, would you, I would argue that the late 80s, early 90s, time of music,

I would put that up against almost any decade of music. You know, everyone loves the 60s and 70s saying that that was the best time. But man, you look at what happened in the late 80s, early 90s, hip hop, rap, hip hop was starting to come in. Metal, all the metal is still rocking. Grunge was starting to come. man everything was like at this apex of music in my opinion you still got to go with 70 through 75 like who we why who we up against you're up against led zepern's first down him okay you're up against the who you're up against the stones you got to figure from 70 to 75 all these

bands black sabbets first album all these bands were emerging not to mention a guy by the name of Melton John that destroyed the 70s. No, I'm not arguing with you that it like crushes it or anything. I just feel that that time period, if you look at the bands that were out, you know, God knows what would have happened if Lenitz-Skinner would have lived. I've always said that. If Leonard-Skinner would have lived, what would it happen? Would the cars exist?

Would any of that shit? Because Leonard-Skinnet was just about to destroy, to steamroll, steamroll. steamroll steamroll they had the momentum they partied they fucking had black people in the band they fucking had two drummers you know it was a different time

they had destroyed the stones in London yeah they opened up for them stone buried them in their backyard they had buried somebody else now they were on the road I think with Ted Nugent just taking them to the cleaners they were just a power so who knows who knows

I can't and that's the late That's 77, right? Yeah. I don't know what the name of the app. I forget all this shit is just too much. You know, we did a couple gummies today, me and Lee. We did the Cheeba-chu. At the end, your memory goes complete.

We can't do it no more, so I might say something fucked up. But that's my only real argument. I didn't dig the 60s that much. Who is the 60s? Like Hendricks, right? Hendricks. Hendricks, the Beatles. The Beatles.

The Redful Dead. Yeah, the last couple of, anybody caught it. The doors. I know you caught it. Have you seen the documentary on HBO and James Brown? No. I haven't seen that, no. You guys got a, it's all over.

He came out as a, he was a little Richard impersonator at first. Little Richard had hit, so they put him on the road to fill in 33 of his dates or something. It's amazing. James Brown is amazing. The hardest working man in show business. That movie they just did was really great. Yeah, no, no, but this documentary is fucking tremendous. And the guy who played that, and that movie plays like every black guy.

Yeah, he's just in Marvel now. Yeah. He just got the Marvel things. Oh, he did? Jackie Robinson. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, he was Jackie Robinson. Who else?

James Brown. James Brown. Now who is he? Now he's something, the Black Panther. Oh, okay. Because I hate when they take, like, an established character and flip them and, like, make him something else that he isn't. Is that the Black, is it correct? No, black, it's probably the Black Panther.

I'll look at that. But, like, they made the Green Horton gay now. I think the new Batman movie, Robin is a chick. You know, just like, come on, man. Like your own character. It's like the ghost buses. They're making them women. All women.

And the fat chick's definitely in it. Uh, McCarthy? Yeah. Yeah, she's fun. Yeah, if she's not in it, then I don't make it. He's Black Panther. How did that movie do with him and St. Vincent?

St. Vincent? Yeah, how did it do? I'm not sure. I mean, Simone said he liked it, but I haven't. Simone likes everything. It died of slow death. People read right right through it. I read right through it.

I just knew that we were getting two people, put them together. Let's see if this works out. Oh, well? Was that with Bill Murray? The Bill Murray one? Well, she just did a movie with her husband, row. I don't know. So she's on fire, too.

Would she do a movie? Her husband wrote a movie. What was that movie where she played, like, the super drunk chick who drives her own drunk? I don't even know. Oh, Tammy. Yeah. Oh, no, I didn't even see that.

This did, it's grossed $27 million, and so far, and it's, the budget was $13 million. So it's done okay. But, like, opening weekend, it did just over $100,000. What? Oh, boy, yeah, it's tough. Who did $100,000? St. Vincent.

But, I mean, that might have been... With Bill Murray? That might have been a limited release. I don't know, but it's so hard. Maybe. But so far, it's grossed $27 million. Wow. Well, that's pretty good to start out with $100,000 and then get to $27 million.

But they cost $13 million to make. Right. So, I mean, it wasn't a success. They made money. Yeah, they made money. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you think the pay it would... I thought it would make $65 million.

But then I won't start watching the trail, and I'm like, I guarantee this is the best parts of the movie. Yeah. And the trailer's not that fucking good. Well, I don't know if people younger than me, maybe like 20, but like younger than 2018, I don't know if they really know who Bill Murray is, to be honest. That might be true. Caddyshack was old too.

They just know him as that guy who shows up on Gawker and takes pictures at random places, like their weddings and karaoke bars and stuff like that. And he was in a zombie land, which is pretty great, but still, I mean, that you had to really know who Bill Murray was to get it. That was a great movie. Yeah. Zambi land brought to heat. It's really weird how.

you think somebody's relevant because you were there during his heyday and now that shocks you like even like Stallone De Niro not drawing there's so many people that just don't draw yeah you don't even know the movies come out like for that movie people probably went to see it because Kevin Hart was in it to be honest

I mean that's probably what was the biggest draw at this point which is pretty sad I think he might be the biggest draw right now well he has a movie every four months but Sandra Bullock I mean they're both like two There's not a lot of bankable people out there.

You know, but what they do now is completely different. The marketing, even the agencies, even your manager. Okay, when I was growing up, the first movie I saw with Eddie Murphy was 48 hours. And then it took another year for him to come out with a movie, which was called Trading Places. That was a great movie. And then, you know, but now it seems like people release seven or eight movies in the year. It's like they killed Vince Vaughn. Yeah.

That was embarrassing what they did with Vince Vaughn. People like the guy from no man, no old country. No country for old men? Yeah, what's the guy's the main guy? Bronson. Bronson? Wasn't it Bronson? There was a guy that was in, well, Josh Broan.

No, I liked him, but there was a guy in that movie that for two or three years, they put him in everything. Javier Bardem? No, the cop, the southern cop that was chasing him. Woody Harrelson? No, it was. Tommy Lee Jones. Oh, yeah. There was a while where they put.

Tommy Lee Jones. Me, I would have to one, one and a half movie, like one movie you were lead and then a half of year later you come out as like the fifth guy, throw a little, he'd get killed, and people like, Jesus, man, why do he fucking get killed? You follow me?

So you always kept people wanting you. Now, if a person makes a movie, they get right back in the studio and shoot it. You know, and it's funny like that creep, like Jim Carrey now. Like, he didn't want to do dumb and dumber, but things got fucking bad for him. Yeah.

So now he did dumb and dumber. What a fucking scumbag. For 20 years, they kept bugging him about dumb and dumb and refused to do it. Once he stopped selling tickets, because you're right. You know, these people become irrelevant after a while, as great as they are. As great as they are. Tom Cruise still sells tickets, right? Not like he used to, though.

Yeah, probably not. But he doesn't do it that often, though. So, I mean, that last mission impossible, I didn't like it, but it sold a lot of tickets. I think TMZ, I think something changed. when TMZ kind of started really like outing him on a bunch of stuff like him you know the the whole Scientology like video they put out of him and then he's dancing on the couch like I think they heard him now so I feel that like they went some big powerful company went and bought TMZ and the message is totally changed you don't see them ever really going after really huge huge

stars that's why they kind of create these vine stars and these reality stars that they kind of treat like fucking pinatas and they're They beat the shit out of them so they don't ruin a brand. Like, how hard is it to build a Tom Cruise brand? You've been out here forever. It's impossible to build someone that big that will bring, like, 50 mil guaranteed. That's true. So, like, they don't want to ruin those guys anymore.

So they bought the company, and now they just, hey, oh my God, look at this chick from VH1's fucking hip-hop and love or whatever it is, and they just treat those people like piñatas. That'd be really funny if that was true. I mean, now that you're saying, it kind of makes sense. And they don't really need to pay reality stars. Yeah. So they pay them a little bit. They think they're famous.

And then they can treat them like awful people. And then the movie stars kind of skate by. It's crazy that you do like a reality show for four years. And you do become a big shot. You go, you bump people in Vegas at lines. Yeah. You yell at waiters now. Get off me.

You know, don't make eye contact. Yeah. You know, and it's like for no... For nothing. because she's standing from a camera. I couldn't imagine getting that overwhelmed with yourself like that. Like that's when you see people like screech is still doing comedy and he's still yelling at people and shit.

That was 30 fucking years ago. And you're still yelling at people telling people. Doing everybody's cocaine. I heard these stories of him like, people like, hey man, you want to do some blow? He's like, can I have something? He'll do all their blow and come back to like, where's the rest of the blow?

He's like, oh, I'm sorry, I did it all. I'm like, who does everybody's blow? That's fucking nuts. That's crazy. He did sex tapes. He did everything he could to get back. Celebrity rehab, celebrity fitness. He did everything he could to get back there.

And he just kept looking, you know, just looking worse and worse. It was like Pauli for a while. Yeah. For a while, Paulie. And now, you know, when you see Pauli, you can see he's matured. Yeah. He knows. That's it.

That's it. You have your great. green light and you do the best you can with it and you move the fuck on it's when you try to hold on to it you know the redhead from goodfell is the one that henry hill is his mistress she had maybe three scenes they called her a horror oh yeah yeah on the couch i went to a table read once had to be oh my god 15 years ago on sunset boulevard they had water a bunch of white people and she was there martin landau was there like alan alder was there was just a really good script they had the guy saw me at the store.

He said, there's a part for like a fucking jam. I want you to read, you know? And I wasn't there. I didn't know anything about table reads guys. I just sat there like a fucking moron and didn't talk to nobody. But I was always in shock on how she acted. She dressed up like she was going to a fucking... Like a ball?

Like a ball with a mink. And she had heels on and how she came in. And people like looked at her wheel. Like it was completely fucking crazy. inappropriate, would you overkill? Overkill. Overkill. Overkill for what you had done since then, you know, like this.

Well, must be kind of crazy. I mean, you've talked about how some comedians get babied or pampered. I mean, if for like that biggest movie came out, like you had it with the longest yard. Like, people doing everything for you, telling you how amazing you are. If that happens

on a reality show for 10 years, you must just kind of get used to it. Like, Justin Bieber went into like the Pittsburgh Steelers Bible study this past weekend. Like that kid just must, I don't think he even realizes what he's doing. No, he doesn't. Yeah, he's got too big. I mean, when your parents are on the payroll, who puts you in your place?

But would you do anything different than him, Joe? Seriously. At 22, no. I would even be crazier. Banging everything. Yeah, he just being crazy. At 21, somebody to give you $50 million, they're not doing you any favors. But here's where it gets the hardest.

It's not what happens to you and the money they give you. It's the people that are around you. It's the people that are around you. They're the most important thing in those situations and who you keep around you, whether you want people to tell you you're the best or if you're smart enough to keep one motherfucker around that I'll go, hey man, what the fuck guy?

And you're like, you're right. You know, that's the difference. He has nobody around them that gives a fuck. It's like Britney Spears used to go. And then they realize it, and it's not too late. He'll be okay. eventually, but everybody will fucking hate him by that. That's the problem with that little fuck.

He was going to get beat up. He's going to get stabbed on sunset. You know, shit like that. Somebody's going to hit him with a two-by-four when he's 42. You know, but it was all his behavior the last couple of years, how he acted towards people. And everybody he gets close to, I don't know, he hangs out with the weirdest fucking people

to either make himself look stronger. I don't know. He's with the boxer all the time, right? Floyd. Floyd Mayweather. Who else does he have? hang out with to be cool. Every rapper possible. He loves to show up

with rappers. I just think it's like he's almost like a hot chick in that like a chick that's so hot, only crazy guys have enough courage to actually hit on them so they end up dating crazy people and I think that's probably what happens with him. He's such a

huge start that it takes a really crazy person to try to even approach him to be like, hey let's be friends. Like only crazy people go for it and then he's letting these people in and all nuts. He hangs out with Chris Brown. Oh, really? He hangs out with any, you know, he hangs out with, he just

keeps these fucking wackadoos around him. And they fuel his fire. And that's, like I said, I can't imagine being 21 and being out here and being on a TV show and doing blow how I did and going out at night to these clubs. But

that was never me anyway. But I'm just saying, let's say if you were into going out every night and people opening up doors. Well, you've talked about that you used to be mad at your stepfather for not giving you any money when your mom passed away? And like how, if he had, it would have probably killed you. It would have killed me. It would have killed me.

I don't know how I would. But I wouldn't have been like that. That was never my thing to go out for people to see you and hang out and stand online. I just fucking hate that shit. Yeah. Whatever anti-paranoia package I had growing up. So, I have it. I can't do that.

I don't want to do that. I don't want to be seen. I don't want people talking to me at night when I'm, you know, so that shit never worked out for me. When you're stoned, when you're stoned and you have your feet up and you have a Walkman slash iPod slash whatever the fuck the people listen to. What is it? The eye, whatever the fuck it is, the thing I have on the plane. iPod. iPod.

You know, when you're stoned and you have and you're in the middle of fucking pink floyd animals, do you really want anybody talking to you? I don't give a fuck. if Tom Brady's wife comes in front of be naked if I'm stone and I'm into that groove your history around me I don't know you talking to me why do you think I put music on a loud in the car I don't know why you think I

there's no when there's a good song going on in the car your conversation does not matter right yeah that's the way I was raised I don't know what the fuck my wife will talk over music and I tell her stop you're in no danger there's nothing you want to say that's better than this fucking Pink Floyd right now.

That's always been my thing. When I was a kid, I could go into the bedroom, smoke outside, wait to my mother left, I would go upstairs, lock the thing, and I've always been an earphone guy. You know why? I'll tell you why. It brings you into it. It brings me into it, but guess

what else? I don't want you to listen to my music and something else. I don't want to hear your fucking music. Let's cut a deal. Get the fucking earphones on and put them on. I like my music fucking loud. and I want it heavy and you follow me? So what makes you think

I want to hear any fucking stupidity at any time? When I'm stoned to the gill and I put the iPod on and I'm walking down the street when I'm in a weird town, I love it. When I'm in a town

that I don't live out, that's the best happiness that you'll ever get out of me. There's when music's blasting with my ears and I'm walking around and I'm not in touch with anything. I'm just in touch with thoughts

and that fucking music playing. So that's as good as it gets for me. and you don't need a million dollars. That's why I like driving to Vegas. I love the zone. It's just four hours. I could fly and it's simple, but the drive is like four hours of just by yourself

and your thoughts just go crazy. And it's like because LA's constantly an attack on your senses, no matter where you are. Stop and go. Yeah, stop and go, beeping, hot chicks walking by. There's no way of focusing. But man, you go to Vegas, it's just, Yeah, I did it

When you went to Tempe earlier this year I could have got a plane ticket for like $150 But especially when you get out into the desert You don't have to stop I loved it That's where that's my first found podcast I was driving out here from Boston And when you get too far into the

Into the middle of the country It's just like preachers actually preaching Yeah, it's weird right So that's what podcasts are made for I'm really really fortunate That I never really Like that shit and other people I surround it myself like that shit.

And after a while, even if you have friends that like a nightlife, after a while you won't be friends in a lot because you don't do what they like. Right. You gravitate towards people. So they disappear. But I've always gravitated towards people that they're not bar people. I've always liked people that are very satisfied with going to a restaurant, all of us, and just talking about comedy until 6 in the morning. That has always been a lot better for me.

I can't stand talking over music And I can't stand people talking to me up close And I can't stand when When you're stoned somebody's drunk And they're trying to tell you something It's two different wavelengths Vibrations And it's very rough

So it didn't match So I knew that early on Was that hard getting coke then Because you've talked about going to a lot of clubs And bars for that so I had a gift of slipping in Slipping out And hold on I got to go see a guy outside

Oh I always had a certain gift of having a hook. You can't go into one of those places unless you have a hook. You do have an ability to get out. You have to get out. You have to learn how to get out, get out quick. And you have to lie and go whatever the fuck it takes, but you got to go. You got a rock in your pocket. You're hot.

If a cop comes in or something, you've got a rock in your pocket. I will get a bump, this little bump, and do a couple bumps, and then I'll sit at a bar for a couple minutes. But while that rock is in my pocket, I don't like sitting at no fucking bar. And it became even worse once I got the felony. Because now I got nowhere to go. You get me with drugs, I'm doing time.

So I don't want to sit there, sitting there with a rock in my pocket. I was always the king of hiding it somewhere, going in there and banging a little bit, giving myself room. So if a cop did come in, it came out of my pocket. I drop a half gram of blow in a pocket. It's 60 people. You can't pin it on me, bitch.

Or you could go make a cocktail like Popeye Doyle did. and motherfucking whatever, the French connection. We were talking about that before the podcast. If you're scared when you travel with weed, when you were on probation right out of jail, was it terrifying doing drugs? It just didn't matter. You just wanted to do the drugs.

I tiptoed my way around the drugs, but I wasn't stupid. Even though I always did drugs, Sam Trippley wasn't going to come up to me and go, hey man, you have a great blow. I have a friend that wants to buy two ounces. That's where the conversation ended. I never took a drug bust.

I never took a drug bust. I took a bus for smoking weed on the street of Manhattan in 19-fucking 82. And I took a probation reed. But I never took a sales or possession rap for blow. It's on my record that I took, that I got arrested for blow in New York. But I was also doing county jail in Seattle at the time. Somebody used my ID. So if they ever, I was doing like 11 days in Seattle on county jail.

and that's when they arrested somebody who used my name in Jersey. I know who it is. But I never took, I was never that dumb to make those mistakes. I always smelled drug traps. But not even that, but just even buying it and doing it. No, because, again, I knew exactly. I have my route planned. I know what time I'm going there.

Before I go there, I take two rides around the block. We'll see if there's cops anywhere. If they're sitting still to make a bus, I don't want to walk into a bus. I always knew I always Since a young kid Since I was a young kid My mom had those booky things

In the city So I knew how a bus gets Organized I know it starts four blocks away There's a command post So I know all these things So that's what you look for So let's say you moved to L.A

and you're still doing coke You've never been here before What process do you go through To find a dealer Who's not an undercover cop Comedy store Yeah So maybe L.A. is a bad idea

Let's pretend it's a city That doesn't have a comedy store Go right to a comedy club. Okay. I had a particular gift that I could go anywhere and within three hours I could have somebody at a bar

ready to rock just by certain words. Just go to a bar, get a drink, what's happening, what's going on? Boom, boom, boom. And all of a sudden, you'll see it. You'll see it. If you sit there long enough,

you'll see people coming out of the bath. I'm not talking about the Shai Marm. I'm not talking about the club fire in your hometown. You guys all know what a drug bar looks like When a drug bar doesn't look like It doesn't take a fucking genius You go into a drug bar

And people have nice shirts and not drug bar You go into a bar and they still have Leonard Skinner's shirt And they're missing a tooth And they're dripping Their nose is dripping They're playing darts and They're home You'll get something

You'll leave there with a gun Gunpowder fucking angel dust Are people still doing angel dust? I don't know They say heroin's big. Last night I got stuck a scene. I was trying to make notes. I was trying to, you know, write like a biography for the web page and do it.

And I had drugs ink on, and they were talking about heroin. Drugs ink is very interesting because I don't know anything about anything, but to see them watch Met and what's going on up into Pacific Northwest, like Portland and Seattle, the heroin is rampant. Like, it's all the crimes in white neighborhoods. Like, fucking, it's crazy. I think it's a lot like the crack epidemic in the black community in the 80s. And to the point where I honestly believe that there's powers that be that are behind this huge heroin epidemic that's going on with a, you know, you hear stuff going on in Afghanistan where like U.S. forces are protecting poppy fields and shit like that.

You're like, okay, you know, crack was black in the 80s. And heroin, I think is like, it's the same thing going on within the white community. It's gotten crazy. Everybody knows that after 9-11, when we attacked, I forget right now. Afghanistan? That heroin prices went down. Did they really? Yeah, heroin prices went down.

More heroin came into the country. You know, if you go to Dearborn, Michigan, all that area, that's a very big Arab community. And I heard that heroin was rampant into Detroit area. I mean, Detroit is fucking non-existent guys. It's on his last legs I know they got a couple grants or something shit's going on

but the heroin was deep there you know I know in Newark the heroin was deep my buddy owed on a $7 bag he used to send them to me

Yeah dude $7 bags of heroin I've lost a couple friends Over the last couple years Seven dollars So for $7 me and you right now I could go get two fucking bags

For a $20 bill Of Pretty fucking good heroin How long does it take to go from like weed to heroin. Like I can't imagine one day wanting to shoot my... Right after this podcast. No, but like a normal person.

You know, Lee, it's whatever... I can't imagine shooting myself in the arm. I can't imagine. Whatever mingle you go, listen, the first time I went behind a building or a church or whatever to take two hits off a fucking joint, I was anti-everything. I was anti-powder. I was anti-acid.

But once I smoked pot and heard music, because of my love for music, My friends told me it only gets better. You got to fucking do this acid. And I remember doing a half a sheet and doing acid and listening to a dark side of the moon, run, whatever, on the run. And just having like a heart attack in bed.

And then I liked that. I really enjoyed that. And then I would do THC Crystal, which is let's get the fucking, let's get the whatever out of the room. Elephant. It's angel dust. But Angel Dust has different than Crystal Meth?

Completely. What's the difference? Crystal Met, you're going to scratch and stay up for 14 fucking days. Angel Dust is... What is Angel Dust? Animal Tranquilizes, Gorilla Biscuits. They had 20,000 names for it. But at the end of the week, it was Animal Tranquilizer, mixed with something else.

There was a certain age I had that there was two things that were very popular. It was angel dust and formaldehyde. Oh. Okay. The thing they used one dead bodies? Oh, you would get fucked up, Jack. Yeah, they dip weed in that shit. You dip a joint of weed in formaldehyde.

Those joints used to go for $20 bucks in 1980. Whoa. And as soon as you got that shit. It's a lot of money. Like as soon as you put it in your wrapper here, as soon as you, it was, it smelled. It was dirty. Like you didn't even want to touch it. Yeah, you put that in your mouth.

But you took that joint out and you fucking lit it. Oh my God, six people blast it. What's it feel like? How's it different than a normal weed? Okay. Let me tell you what I used to do. I used to have this buddy Carlos Perez. This is my beginning.

This was a little before my mother died. I did T.HC Crystal. That's what they sold it to us as. And we used to have to go to Union City and buy it. his bar on 22nd and New York Avenue across from Lieber Shloom funeral parl is still there which in reality was the county morgue so that's how fucking like that's how bad of a sign it was so first I used to get it up 309th Street and you get it and you for $10 you got three lines so for $3 at 14.5 15 me you and fuck over here got blasted so what did it feel like

It felt like doing tranquil. It felt like doing heavy sleeping pills, but you stay awake. It fueled you. And everything moved real fast. So the first non-to-twice we did it, we would stay at the basketball court. And then you'd walk up to the fucking Chinese store at the time we'd call it the chink store. We'd walk up to the chink store. And then we'd walk home.

And it lasted. You know, the heavy, heavy, intense feeling was about three or four hours. and then after that you had about four hours of these days that you communicate and you go home and talk to your mom and shit as long as you kept in your room and didn't get asked big questions the Declaration of Independence or something

you were covered but we took it a little farther we started taking it and going into the city here we are 15 year old kids doing a $10 bag between three of us and getting on a bus and going to 42nd Street

getting off that fucking bus walking on 40 seconds which is time square time square and hearing people yelling acid marijuana you know whatever cocaine switch blades and then we'd go and we'd play

we got caught we'd play three card Monty but this is when it gets crazy guys this is when it gets the craziest it would be like six of us Sabatino Ray Canella who we had lunch with today Darneth Phillips Michael Specialia

Domnick-Specialo, myself, Carlos Perez, could be seven or eight of us. And we go into the city and say to each other, trips, it's 5 o'clock. At 6.30, I'll meet you on 178th Street and Broadway by the Port Authority. So we would disappear and go our own ways and walk through the city. By yourself? No, like three of us, four of them. And then I'd lose the lead, but we all knew we had to be on 178th Street. And that became something else.

And then I did that until I got the lung infection. From the Pariquot? From the Paraguat. That summer of 79, I was fucking, every three or four days, we were hitting that motherfucking T-HC crystal. And that became an acid addiction. So after I got, like when I got out of the doctor, when I got out of the hospital, September 28th,

that became, because I was scared it was going to sit in my lungs to powder. from the thing would infect the paraquot. So I stopped snort in T.H.C. And I got into my acid addiction. But I was into that angel dust for a couple of months. Then it stopped. But in New York City, it was rampant again in the mid-80s.

So you would go into the city, and you would go to, like, anywhere from 116th, up to like 119th Street on 3rd Avenue, where the Puerto Rican neighborhoods are, all that stuff. and they're black neighbor so who are you kidding and I would meet people who sold nickel bags

and dime bags are chocolate tie weed but they also sold trays of that angel does and basically a tray is a half a gram that you sprinkle on your joint and then you rolled your joint and hit it so I went over there and I came up I went over there

a couple times and people always go dog add that tray to that motherfucker the tray was like the suit supersized. What the supersizes at McDonald's? When you go to McDonald's, they're like, hey, what do you want to do? You want to do this? You want to do the fucking bone?

Yeah, supersize me. So for another three bucks, you not only smoke great weed, but now you were going to see the fucking devil. That's what Angel Dush. So you both like to go really fast off of weed and maybe Angel Dust, and then you like to go really slow, too, right? With weed and... Well, the angel dust slows you well. You said it was like a sleeping pill. It was like a sleeping pill that has heart to it.

It's like a sleeping pill with heart. You're not going to go to sleep. Things never said before. You're not going to nod. But you're going to be like, yeah, man. And everything flashes. I remember having conversations on it. But then in 83, I went over to the city on Monday, and it was raining.

And at that time, I was a runner for a numbers bank. It was a numbers bank on like 119th, 18th. The guy's still around. The father's in Puerto Rico. They stopped. They were huge. But as time, as the lotteries took in, the numbers in New York shrunk. It became a one-man operation.

I could go to New York now and probably make $100,000 a year doing numbers. But it's a one-man operation. I got to have another guy come in and help me and run errands or something. But I could sit on the phones all day. I get sitting in a bodega shop. So my job was to help this guy. He'd give me like a buck 20. a buck 40 a day.

If nobody hit the number, give me 200. And it was great for them because I got to go into the city, pick up money, and then I'd pick up drugs on the way back. I couldn't lose. I'd pick up a gram of blow and a fucking 20 of weed. Did you ever nod? I just saw this video of this woman who was just passed out while standing up in the street of New York,

and it blew my mind. Like, did you, like, I don't know, did you ever do that where you just like couldn't? I loved it. I loved it. I love seeing people nod. I only nodded, honestly. I only nodded one time. When I got sick when I got high on the heroin and Gunther Browns ass. And I told the story, and people hate it with me because I told the story.

They were like, you don't trip on the heroin. I didn't trip. I never said I tripped. I said in my fucking dilemma in my dreams, I saw this fucking nun. That's what I told the story, and people got pissed off at me. But that's the only time I really... They wanted you to get your drug facts straight? Yeah, I think I nodded.

I got sick. You know, I got heroin sick. Yeah. When you do heroin, you get sick. like you get sick and that's when the heroin kicks you. So you do a line, puke, blah. After you puke, now is when you're ready. Oh, really?

So that you go off? Once you puke, you're like, oh, wow. Yeah, they said that in Breaking Bad, but fuck. I don't like needles, so I'm happy I never did. Me too. That saved me completely. If God would have me to have needles, I wouldn't be here having this conversation with you guys. Is that bathroom right there?

No, I have a key for it. Has anyone ever gone in the bathroom on the podcast before? No, go ahead. You got to go. I got a piss, man. I'm going to put on fucking and I want to be around, so it's perfect. I've been like, I don't want to end it, but, man, I'm getting old. I know it happens.

It happens to me all the fucking time. I got to pee all the, I can't believe you have. This angel does today, Lisa. What's happened? You like angels? You want to try? Not even a little bit. Good for you.

That's why I love you. You always smart. You learn. I want to be around. Wait for another gloomy? No. We got two left. That's good.

If we don't kill these two, you'll have to eat a whole one. I'm going to have to eat that anyways. Boomies are monos in the house. Yeah, they made them less strong, right? Yeah. Well, you lied to me. They're just a lot. Put on a lot.

A somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me. What's up, cocksucker? How you doing? I'm all right. We had a nice time with Ray Canella. We did. He's the nicest guy in the world. He's called him to the podcast twice.

He's the guy that worked at a sci-fi. And he's got screen box now. How much is it a month? Four bucks. Four bucks a month, unlimited horror movies. On Roku. And they have a website. On Roku, and they got a website.

A great fucking kid, man. I've known him. We had a band in the sixth grade. He was in town doing a bunch of business until he Lee and I took him out for lunch and a fucking great lunch. Jesus Christ. I haven't had a pasta in months and I was... How many calories did you write down? I wrote down like $1,100, I think.

No, I didn't think it was that bad. No, it wasn't that bad. Because, all right, I'll tell you exactly what I did. I forgot to write down the canoli, but we... I wrote down the canola. The canola wasn't bad either, because we each had a half. Yeah, we did it right today. We went for a fucking great lunch today.

So, yeah. What it has in the app is chicken parm was 321. I had a cup of spaghetti for like 210. Marinero was like 80 calories, and half of canola was 110. And you don't know if that's right because you're eating out, but that's what the app says. So that's like 700 rice. My fitness pal.

And it says Mazurinos? No, no. They don't have. They do have some restaurants. Like some of the bigger ones that actually have. The bigger ones. They do. Nutrition information, they do. But, I mean, it's a good guess. And I had a small dinner. So, yeah, I stayed within my calories today.

We'll see what happens tonight. But fuck. You know, he gives me this stuff and I'll go home and eat everything. Guys, we went to this Italian place today. Spitting there for 30 years. I kept hearing about it. Jimmy Schubert kept telling me, we went there for lunch one day, and I'm like, this is tremendous.

1095. You get spaghetti meatballs, chicken parmesan. A salad. And a salad. Wow. And a fucking drink. It's a good deal. For lunch.

And it's fast, you know. We went in there. We went in there a couple times. And when I mean, my wife, let's go in there. Boom, closed. It closed. Something happened. Then they reopened it.

So today we're going to take them to do it. Domingos for a sandwich. He lives in Lodi in New Jersey. Where the fuck am I going to take him? So, while someone like, let's take him to Maserinos because not the 20 minutes. Yeah, it's a long time. And it was, I mean, everybody raved about the meal, including him. And he lives in Jersey.

He was like, the canolae was great. The sasiche was great. The fuck, and he was torturing the fucking Gentiles. He kept telling the guy, give me a little sastis. The guy's like, what was that? A little sossi, I don't understand what you're saying. Saucisage, you fuck. Sausage, you fucking cock.

What's up, Lysayette? And they had a fucked up weekend at Johns at the supermarket. Oh, you got hit again. Well, I got hit again, which was crazy. Why do you go to Johns? That's where immigrants go. It's right next to my house. We just need to help.

That's where immigrants go. You got to go to routes. It's right next to my house. And her mom needed some, like, Mexican stuff for enchiladas. Jew and chaladas? Not Jew, Mexican. They're really good. Oh, so you're dating a Jew?

I mean, Mexican? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's been. Jew Mexican kids? You're going to have a Jew Mexican kid? That would a few years. not for a while. But the fucked-up thing that happened,

and I wanted to know if it happened to you. We went to a place for dinner, and immediately I felt like I had to take a shit, and I almost shit my pants and Johns. Like, it was at the point where you had to take one step and stop for 30 seconds. I mean, don't go back to that restaurant. And then I started laughing,

and I almost came out, but I actually made it to the bathroom. Have you ever shit in, like, a public place in front of, like, your wife or something? Not in front of them, but I usually run in there. I shit the other day in the apple, but I don't shit with regular people. I shit in the handicapped bathroom.

That little one that's singular? It's single. No, no, no. I'm not talking about the handicapped bathroom in the big bathroom. At airports, they have a family bathroom. You take your kids with diapers. Bless you. Salute, Gordon you.

I meant, have you actually pooped your pants? Have I pooped my pants? Never, never, never, never. Ever in your life? Oh, I've shit my pants, please. Oh, yeah, you're going to fart by mistake. Oh, yeah. You've got to, like, double check.

And it just comes out. You're like, oh, my God, I just shit. my pants. It almost happened in the grocery store. No, it happened sometimes. What did you do? You just keegle with your asshole and just make a quick fucking run for it. But the bathroom that was disgusting. But I had to do whatever. Yeah, sometimes it's either like either put my

ass on some dirty fucking crazy, I mean some fucking dirty marble or shit my pants. And you're like, I'm just going to take whatever that bull's got at this. I don't even play. I don't even play sometimes. Like, if I really have to go to bed and I just start looking for a tree, a park. The shit outdoors?

You ever shit? You shit in the park? I shit in Mike Fabman's yard one night. What? I did a gig with Mike Fabman, like in Colt, like someplace five hours away. And the deal was he would pay for the rent-a-clic, you know, he hooked up with a check. Yeah. So he goes, take the car home, and she'll drive me home tomorrow, and I'll pay for the rent-the-car, just leave it in my yard.

It was a five-hour drive. They fed you really good, so two hours after the drive. You got to go to the bathroom. It's midnight. Yeah. you're home by midnight 1 o'clock. Oh my God, I got into Hollywood. I got 3.30 in the morning.

There was not a soul on the street. I got the famous backyard. I had to go. I just had to go. Does he know this? Yeah, I told him like a day later. He's like, I drove over it. What is wrong with you?

Jesus Christ. I remember he lived on Fairfax store? Right in the middle. Where's he lived now? I don't know. Somewhere in Hollywood. I've never shit in the outdoors. Oh, my God.

In this house where I lived, one day I went to get sushi. And sometimes you eat a little bit too much, or you can eat sushi and rice, just works a way into your stomach. And I had to go home. And I forgot my key. And I had to climb through my window. And I mean, that time I went outside.

Another time I went outside in the way back from a gig of comedy, gig at night. Because sometimes you do comedy, you get in the car, you're looking at the bathroom. You're like, it's too dirty. I'm not going to go in there. I'll make it home. You're not going to fucking make it. Yeah.

It's just amazing. I piss on doors all time. Oh, yeah. All the place. I'll find a bush, be like, I'm pissed on them. I'm afraid. That's nothing to me.

You want to do talk to me about peeing outside. You got nothing going on. Do you ever get amazed, Joey? I don't know if you do it, but I am blown away by how much people laugh at shit jokes. Like, it blows my mind. I have, like, a fucking murderous, almost shit my pants story that, like, murders. And it blows my mind how hard it murders. Do you know why?

I think because everybody is almost or shit their pants in a moment. that's really how you react to it and how you feel about yourself afterward because you really feel bad, you feel shitty, you know, you just feel... It's embarrassing. You're like, I'm an adult. Who am I going to tell? Your underwear is you just throw them away.

I mean, there's no sense of scrubbing them out or shouting them out because you know, it's just terrible. Bleach stick to him. It's just terrible. It really is an embarrassing thing. What's up, Lisa? Yeah, everything all right in your world.

Are you baked, dude? Oh, yeah, really high. I was still high from earlier today, and you gave me another one. San Francisco last week, you're really lucky, man. You're going to Sacramento. I love that club. What people don't realize is there's a lot of great comedy states. There's a really good places where comedy has been a tradition for a long time.

The Bay Area is one of those places. Easily. Northern California is one of those places. You know, Sacramento Punchline, those older clubs like that, you know, What's his name? Came out of Oakland. What's a kid that used to go to comedy store? A couple guys who come out of fucking Oakland.

Couple big comics are coming to Oakland. Oh, yeah, there's a couple of rumors. Mr. Cooper. Yeah. The white dude that died. Robin Williams. No. He was a big Oakland comic.

Really? Yeah. He used to perform in Oakland all the time. There you go. I'm wrong. Yeah. Something about Northern California. Mom.

What's his name? Moshe Cashers, a guy who came out of San Francisco recently. There's a bunch of funny guys. Yeah. No, no. And it just goes to show you that that area, they rejoice it. They rejoice it.

They support it. They go out. You know, when I lived in San Francisco in 85, they had comedy clubs. Did I go? No. Did I dream of being a comic? Then no. But then years ago, you know, when I first got into comedy,

there had to be six full-time clubs up there. Oh, look at Phoenix. Look at Phoenix, Arizona, dude. How many comedy clubs are going to be out there soon? They're opening a laugh factory. They got House of Comedy. They got Tempe Improv. They got stand-up live.

They got stand-up live. They got stand-up Scottsdale. I think there's, and like the House of Comedy is the only one that's kind of on its own area. All the rest of them are, like, within like a five square miles, there's like five comedy clubs. It's crazy, and they're all great clubs. I hear the House of Comedy is a great club. Gorgeous, dude. It's a gorgeous club.

You go there like, whoa, this is like a good look. And you know what? They did something smart. They made a regular-sized comedy club. Like, all these new comedy clubs are. open up, they're like, unless you're Gabriel Iglesias, like, how are you going to pack this room? It's just like impossible. It's

huge. But, you know, this one's a good size club that would be, if you shot something there, it would look really good. You know, I always went to Cobb's at Robben. He could put 400 people. Easy, yeah. But I did it last year with Ari, and we sold

tickets with Ari last year, but I just wanted to be somewhere more intimate. So I chose the punchline, and it was fucking tremendous. I love that club. It's seats 180. Yeah, I like both punchlines.

I like all three of them. The problem is the one that way, and I got to drive an hour to the airport on Sunday. I don't want to do that. I'm doing the laughing skull. The laughing skull. That's perfect.

It's 80 people. Yeah, perfect. That is perfect, man. You know, listen, man, when you get into comedy, yeah, you have these dreams or whatever. Once you do them, I don't want to work theaters.

I really don't. I really don't want to do more than 300 people, really more than 250. And it's got to be seated right, you know? Like San Francisco, it's seated right. Even sitting at the bar at the punchline is a great comfortable seat, you know? I want everybody to be comfortable. I don't want people to be sitting next to people.

They don't fucking know. You know, there's clubs that put people at your table. You don't hide four high. And you sit there like, what are these fucking morons? Yeah. They do that in a lot of places. Yeah, I don't want to sit next to nobody. Give me the fucking know.

Do you like dark clubs or brighter crowds? I like them darkish because. then people I find laugh louder when they're in a dark room. When the lights are bright and they can see each other, they're a little bit more nervous about laughing at some weird shit. At least that's what I've found. Good for you. You know, listen, man, I hate when you work with a comic

and you're ready to start the show, and a comic walks into the green room and it starts is bullshit. I did a mic test, and you can't hear it in the back. It's cold in there. You know, the lights are too, and you're like, you're already killing yourself? Yeah. before you're going on stage

so I didn't really want to answer that because I don't want young comics watching and listening to go oh yeah that's no nothing else matters but the microphone you and them if they don't laugh guess what it's on you maybe your energy oh yeah but the six

comics before me sucked so you should have fucking been good every excuse that you give yourself for not being funny on stage goes back to you plain and fucking simple not the audience not the fucking microphone you know oh well I didn't know

well you should have fucking listened but you were too busy listening to your bad fucking jokes. How do I know? Because I've done it myself. The fuck is wrong with these goddamn people. Joe, you know being a comedy store comic that there's a level of experience with chaos that you have a bunch of tools to deal with. Great story real quick.

I just did Vegas. I kind of had a couple days off in L.A. So I'm like, I don't want to sit around. I'm going to go do some spots out in Vegas because I'm blessed to have some friends who let me go up. I go out there, I do a couple of great spots. LA Comedy Club, Sin City show. And then I go do this show. I've done it a bunch of time called The Dirty at 1230.

And it was started by... Tremendous. It's a great show. I'm doing it December 5th. Oh, dude. I might have to go watch this. No, no, no. Let's all go. And then we're all going January 2nd.

Me, Shapiro. Because we're doing the Mirage with Rogan in Vegas on a Friday night after New Year's. Why not? Let's just fucking get a cab and shoot over to the South Point at midnight. Then on Saturday, to the UFC they do another dirty at 1230 at a different fucking place.

Oh yeah, now they got a like at Mandolin Bay I think. Yeah, Gabe, Gabe. Gabe is working hard. Gabe Lopez. Quality, quality dude. Working hard, man. So we do that, so I do it. I show up Brett Ernst's headlining the LA Comedy Club.

So it's like we get the team back together. We have some fun. We go down and we do the dirty at 1230. This guy who's opening show is very cool. Edwin San Juan is the host He's hosting, killing it This guy named Scratch, this local guy Really funny dude out of Florida

He's doing it He gets heckled by these dudes in the front row Who turn out to be cops These guys are cops in the front row They have a night off They're fucking heckling this guy Right out the gate I felt bad for him

Because he was like really excited To finally get to do the show And he's like even kind of pacing the back going I don't know why I'm nervous You know I've been doing this forever I'm like yeah man you're gonna kill So he goes up there, these guys jump him right out the gate. So he's dealing with that.

Scratch gets the crowd behind him and everyone starts booing these dudes. And it's kind of cool he deals when he gets off stage. Dat fan goes up, does that fan, funny, really cool cat, does really well. I get up and I just start murdering people, right? I mean, I'm in the crowd. I'm yelling at someone's mom. How I want to do cocaine off her asshole? And the place is going fucking nuts, right?

So it's great. I get off stage. man I mean I get to I break this crowd open you know and it's Ernst turn to go up so as soon as I walk in the back and everyone's like great sell all of a sudden I hear it go oh hey let's go what the fuck go in the back the cops had gotten up and went after and started swinging on scratch brett Ernst comedy store in the moment starts doing play by play of the fight as it's going on he doesn't even skip a beat he just starts going John Madden and calling out the fight as people are fighting. And dude, anybody else would have fucking ate a dog's dick on stage. You know, comedy store for fucking

15 years. In the moment, fucking starts doing play by play. The crowd's going crazy. They end the fight. I walk in. I start separating people. People go their own way. Breath, boom, hits a stride. Fucking super crushing. Just dealing with the fucking moment.

But anyway, and that fan comes up goes, you and fucking hurts, you guys are fucking thick skin. You guys have been store for so long. you guys could deal with all that fucking chaos. It's like, yeah, dude, I mean, I used to walk in the, dude, I used to walk in the fucking 5 o'clock fires all the time at the comic store when I got first picked up.

I had to file fucking you. Two of the biggest bombs of my life are following Lisa Lampinelli and this motherfucker in a comedy store. I mean, this guy's fucking flame throwing the room. I go up and I got my shit and I think I know what I'm doing. I'm throwing punchlines into a fucking well and not hearing my lines hit at all. And I would have to follow him.

Rogan, Dice, Eddie Griffin, night in, nine out. And those dudes were doing like an hour. And I had to go up there and somehow keep the crowd and the fucking whole thing, man. And it was just like, it was so funny to watch Brett Ernst just handle this fucking crowd. It was so fucking funny. Last week I was watching, and I'll tell the story.

I don't give a fuck what happens because I'm just trying to prove a point yet. And we're all gentlemen. We all understand this. Last week, we weren't you on my house last Tuesday? We watched Sons Anarchy? No. Somebody was over there eating.

And I got, it was my wife's buddy. And I caught the end of it. And then they have a show afterward. And it's hosted by somebody from Chelsea. Chelsea. Oh, really? I sat there and watched it. And after eight or nine minutes, I felt bad.

I felt bad. And I didn't feel bad for him. I felt bad because he didn't have chops. Okay, he didn't have chops. You could go to ITT Tech, and you're probably going to be a good mechanic, and you're going to get a good education that. But unless you work at your father's gas station

and take garbage out and get coffee and order parts, and there's a different Zen to that. There's a different Zen to that. There's a thing called Gracie Combatives, where you go when you learn moves, but you don't really wrestle. That's great, and you'll be great under different situations. I can't last around when I go to Jiu-Jitsu, but I do three of those.

And I know someday, my, me doing that, it's Matt Time. It's called Matt Time, you know. You're doing J-Jitsu? Yeah, for like two years, I'm terrible. I can't even fucking breathe. I didn't go to that. I got busy this morning. I want to start Jitsu.

But with comedy, you know, you could go to all the grounding classes you fucking want. Okay, and I'll put this out there. If somebody wants to call me out or call me a jerk off or whatever, go beer. You want to go to I.O. and do all those classes. You could do what the fuck you do. And I wish you a lot of luck. But I tell you what, you ain't going to have the education I have in fucking comedy. Because I got on a bus, and I went from coast to fucking coast.

On a bus. And I have witnesses that will come on this show and tell you, I would leave L.A. in November and come back in April on a bus. And all that time, I took two southwest flights. You know what I'm saying? I would take two southwest flights in that whole time. I would start and fucking on a plane to whatever to a bus to El Paso

and then a plane from El Paso to Boston to New Hampshire when nobody lands and it's cheap in those days you went to New Hampshire and I'd take a bus in and fucking bust a buffalo I mean come on I lived on a fucking Greyhound but it wasn't I knew when I was doing it and I'd call home and people were like

oh I was rocking at the store of the night some girl was there sucking people's dick here I was in Michigan And at Grand, you know, at fucking Grand Rapids or I would be in, like, I don't even know. Ishpamin or Traverse City and a fucking Motel 6, working a VFW with eight people in Traverse City. You have no fucking idea.

And at that time, I was already at the store, but I had bombed in L.A. a couple times. And I'm like, this can't happen. I can't have this happen. You know, because in L.A., you're going to slip through. You're going to go to Laugh Factory and follow some cute guys. and you're going to be the hit over at the Great Lounge on Melrose where they laugh at yuck, yuck jokes.

But then something's going to happen. You're going to go to the improv to do one of those specialty shows, and you're going to have to get in between Sam Tripley and Nick Napollo. Okay, so Sam Tripley isn't at every improv every week, and there's no pictures of him hanging out with Chelsea lately, but he's a fucking badass comic. and he's probably going to have 11 minutes, which means he's going to sizzle the room harder than you've ever seen a room getting sizzled

because you were headlining your hometown club or something. You were headlining after two years you went to Montreal. You know, they loved you. You know, they loved you on Comedy Central. And you walk into that improv on a Saturday night in front of 200 people. And you have to follow this killer from Manila and then get sandwiched in between Nick DePaula. Because at first you'll go,

So I couldn't follow Tripoli. But fuck Tripoli. He was dirty. You're going to make up an excuse. And you're going to tell your agent, he talked to the crowd. You know, whatever fucking mind fuck, you'd be surprised the mind fuck they tell themselves.

And then you're going to watch Nick DePaulo go up there. And whatever Nick, whatever he did to the room, Nick DePaolo's going to take that room and sandwich it now, spit on that piss on it, and lighten on fire. Because it's 20 years of experience, and you're not going to replace that. A murder, dude. You're four years at I.

Well, I was in college. I was at I.O. And I was the most likely to succeed at Improv West. That's not going to cut it. That's not going to cut it. And I knew that. I knew. I had come off for six years of working hard doing triple runs,

Mormon rooms, where they switch up the rules on you. Seattle, you know, Portland, the Tri-Cities. I was bombing in Colorado for two years. When I got to L.A., I thought, first of all, you lose 10 minutes from your area, Because if you move from Arizona, those jokes aren't going to work in the main road. At first you say them, and you learn the hardware, you're like, yeah.

So the judge in Arizona, they're like, this is Los Angeles, bitch. We don't know what the fuck you're talking about. It's a hell. And I'm very proud that I have those jobs, and you'll never take them away from me. Can't take them away from you. I've always said that, man. It's like, I have this issue with some bookers. I'm very blessed some burghers like me, but there's some bookers that just have just weird things.

It's such an interesting thing to see a booker who actually they decide everything and they pick. Oh, I don't like him. I don't like that. And I'm like, you know what man? I'm just going to wait it out because in two years you'll probably be gone. Most likely you're calling being like that, exing out these people, only letting these people. Eventually it's going to catch up with you and you're gone. Sometimes you get some good people like Molly from the punchline's been around for a while.

She's funny and she's cool. She seems to let a wide range of people play those clubs. But I've met these fucking. dickhead fucking these bookers on there who just have like a certain view of comedy and if you don't fit into that you never get to work their club and I'm just like I'll just wait two years you'll be gone and then the next person I will fucking let me in I've seen it happen a thousand times before it's just an interesting thing when somebody's a booker there's a lot of power but once it's gone it's all gone it's just gone nothing and you got no tangible skill you know which like if you

if I say you can never play this club again that's fine you got skills you go play another club and make magic happen it's just such an interesting thing it's such a power play that is so fleeting I remember there was a couple of bookers they used to talk shit about Joe

bringing me and Ari on the road and I remember like I busted one's balls in San Francisco he doesn't exist it's amazing to people and I gotta tell you something I've never had respect for authority, just especially in a semi-corporate, because right now it's very corporate, no matter what.

You get into, when I was starting comedy and I was looking for a job, it was still semi-corporate, you know, and I've never had respect for a lot of that level. I don't know why. I just never did, because we're the ones that are out there busting our arms, and you're walking around in a suit and people fear. You know, when Joe comes in, make sure you're sitting at the computer. It's so typical how they act. It's fake. It's so typical. When we put this fake fear up, that's what I hated. I don't fear anybody. I feel myself now. I fear myself if I don't write or if I don't fucking whatever. But it's in that work thing. You get this fear. And these guys, these bookers had that same, like, I'm better than everybody here. Yeah, it's weird, right? And comics give them coffee and then they're very cool. And they all disappeared. You know, Mark Babbitt was doing a great job in Houston. He became.

to end all be all he's gone you know these guys come and go Sarah and I was one of the Tommy one of the biggest wenches you ever met in your life she booked Cleveland and Buffalo and Miami Improv so she would run you through the mill she'd give you if she didn't like you should give you Buffalo and Cleveland in January back to back and then she'd go call me for Miami and she wouldn't take your calls for a year then you she tried to give you a buffalo and you'd have a stick up for yourself and go hey what happened to that Miami dick and then she'd give it to you it was amazing how she treated me and I'll never forget those people like I never ever forgotten them and I wish that they

turned the TV on and saw me by mistake or something not that I was better than them but I did something with myself yeah that's what I'm saying they're selling real estate now yeah they're sucking somebody's dick you know they're not doing none creatively with their life I'd never understood how non-creative people could judge creative people. Well, that's his whole town, dude. That's the fucking thing. There's a big difference between you being a creative person and understanding the genre that's going on, then you go into Emerson College.

And I told you that. When we hooked up, I said that to you. And you looked at me with the camera. I go, I don't want you using the same shit they taught you at Emerson College. No disrespect. I want you to use what you want to use. I said, let's use something that we don't look like what everybody else is doing. I don't give a fuck if you need the romantic interest in a film to make it happen.

If the film doesn't call for a romantic interest, it just makes the film clunky. Your formula is not going to work forever. And I'll take an example of what John, and we're all going to agree on it. Podcasting. Yeah? Podcasting, if you're a manager today or an agent, and I come to you and I go, I'm not going in for that audition. my podcast is on fire

they don't understand they don't understand that this catches on daily this is something that people are sick and tired of hearing bullshit they're tired of hearing the weather when they don't want to hear it

we have a friend then it's very interesting he worked for sci-fi he got laid off but he enjoyed the layoff because he saw the death of cable coming anyway he talked to his kids he would see what his kids were doing and he was saying

won't you kids watch cable? No, no, we're watching Ru-Po. Hulu and all this shit. And he quit, and now he opened up his own station. It's a horror station. And some people get it. And some people don't

get it. You know, the networks. They give clunky comedian specials. Here there's guys that are out there proving themselves that should have been on TV five years ago. But the networks and the networks executive fall in love with a

certain type and they'll go with it to the end and you see it's a bombing. I know it's a dog with fleas. This kid doesn't have the chops. You never developed this kid. You didn't make America fall in love with them before you put them on TV. There's no creativity anymore. Everything is a piece of paper. There's no creativity. If I give Lee Syed a deal at CBS to develop a show and I give you $100,000 to develop a show and I put you with Sam Trippley to develop a show and I believe in you that much The first thing I'm doing is calling the executive producers from two and a half men and going, hey, Lee Syatt is doing three guest spots on your show. Who the fuck is Lease?

Don't you fucking work? Who the fuck do you think you're fucking talking to? L-E-E-E-S-Y-A-T-T, that's it. Okay? Get Elaine on the phone and tell her, I'm setting up a meeting with him to go down there, talk to the kid. He's a stand-up. Grab a pen.

He's going to be at the improv. Melrose, you fuck. What improv? You work at CBS. What fucking improv do you think? Melrose is in at the Comedy Store, 1130. Somebody go see him and get back to me. Bye. That's what you do. And you write them into the hit shows.

You write them into that show. You write them into somebody else show. So when people see you in the commercial in six months, what they do with Malaney? How many shows do they put Malaney on? How many? How many shows did they put Cristella on when the show got picked up? None.

None. They should have had Cristella on time No, but who are they, they're going to have that fucking skank That killed the singer from Nirvana with that pussy What's her name? Courtney Love. They got her on Sun's Anarchy Wasting Time. Really?

That's the bitch that killed the drummer from Nirvana Whatever's fucking name is. God bless his soul. Yeah, she's the one. You think people, oh, he killed himself because of drugs. No, he killed himself because he smelled a snatch. That's why it smelled like fucking death. It smelled like fucking Seattle vomit.

That's why. Yeah, dude. And they're giving her husband. TV spots, but they're wasting your time. We got Cristella Alonzo fighting for our life, a Mexican fat chick with a fucking dangly tooth hanging there on ABC on

Friday nights. It's going to fucking do well. Gabriel's on the show with it. Yeah. And they didn't put it on anything else. They don't know dick. They're not fucking creative. It's just people pushing buttons. They're doing. They're just people who just move their way up and it just sucks and it's unnecessary

because, you know, for me personally it's like my life, my career. I've done well with everybody, but there's one group of people, these fucking suits, who are gamblers, that's all suits are gamblers. They want to gamble on you, they don't want to gamble on you. But they keep gambling on the same person,

even though that thing never works out. But the guy who does it all the time, they don't want, because you know what else, Joey, as much as we want to make it, there's the suits out there, they want to be like, I have the magic guy, I discovered this thing. So, like, if I go, I got Joey Diaz here, and you're killing it. Let's just say, potentially, you're the guy you are, but without the heat.

I'm like, oh, this Joey Diaz, people love him. He's huge. Nobody wants to be like, oh, yeah, let's go with him. Let's go with this kid that no one knows so they can be like, look who I discovered. Let's work our way backwards instead of, it's very weird that you think that they had a lot more comments as you said something before. You said these comedy clubs keep building, they're making them bigger and bigger and bigger. and we go play there and we wish that we could fill 600 seats.

I mean, that's the dream. But then when you get there, guess what, folks? 600 seats in a room is an awkward fucking room. After 500, it becomes a theater. And if it isn't a theater, don't try to sell it. If they're in a chicken, don't tell me it's a fucking rooster. You know what I'm saying? You follow me?

So for a comic, it's very awkward to perform in those places. I know it is for me. So that's why I was setting before. Yeah, Joey, but you can make so much money. you know what? I rather feel comfortable. I rather you leave like you heard every word. I want you to see me from every angle, you know, so you can see me scratching my balls.

Look at him. He's got a stain on his dick from his peanut. He didn't wash his helmet. Oh, he's got syphilis. Sucking. I want you to see my skin all fucked up. I want you to see a piece of meat in my tooth. I'm a normal fucking guy. You want the intimacy of what's supposed to happen in comedy. I'd rather replace the Doree me for the intimacy.

I'd rather do an extra show than sit there and the people in the back and you gotta do when you do a theater it's a different kind of delivery you got to drop your punch line wait for the laughs

to go all the way to the back come all the way from and then you go to your next like you ever have a bit where it's like tack tack tack those are really hard bits to do in theaters because

right because people yeah the timing's off so they laugh really hard you wait a second you drop it again and just doesn't have the same timing I bomb at all those Joe Rogan theaters

No way, Joey Diaz. I go up first. I love you to death. You're crazy. I go up first. I go up first, and nobody gets up a twilight timing. And I'll tell you what, man. I'll step on my punch lines.

Unless the sound is very good, like the Marais. The sound is world class. Where we do the show, where they do the Lion King in Vegas, where he used to do that theater, the sound is good. But I could put five theaters where I would go out. there and bombed. I remember bombing for like four theaters in the row. We would laugh about it.

And then Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh has a theater that is perfect. The only problem is 1,200 people. But if you saw it, you go, oh yeah. This is where I'm shooting my HBO special. It's all over. It's all over.

Because there's rooms that you go into that you get excited about. There's rooms like, because of the structure of the original room, That's the structure where I work the best. Yeah. Because I could close my eyes and visualize myself in that structure.

You know, I was having struggling. I always go to San Francisco and I struggle. Sometimes when people come in. I feel a struggle. Friday, Saturday, early show. I blew it up like I haven't blown it up in a long time. The last time I went to Frisco, I ate death Thursday, two shows Friday, and the early show Saturday

but the late show Saturday I take it to a different level a switch goes off I have a fear there's a fear I have and once I'm at a level yeah I'm getting laughs you've been there

where you've walked off stage and by the calm and I you've gotten laughs yeah we all could do that we're doing the 15 fucking years I'm talking about that rhythm I'm talking about the unity of laughter I get it I'm talking about

the jokes the whole thing Even nights when your timing is on, it wasn't together. Yeah. So I have to, I'm doing something wrong. It's my body language, it's my energy, I'm not scratching my balls, I'm not cursing. I'm not doing something wrong because they're not feeling it. Yeah, I understand that. Comedy is a lot more than going up there and telling fucking jokes.

When you see Kevin Hart, he's killing, his energy is on, his aura is on, you know, his materials on. It's six things. there's nights I go up there and to us Joey's on but to Joey trips come on you I get it dude and you go you know that wasn't really me and they come out to you this is the best I've ever seen

you and you're like looking at this person going you're fucking retarded I've had way better sets that were technical they were following you in San Jose was an education dude I followed this dude following Joey Diaz at a Joe Rogan show is like middling

for Van Halen but David Roth is the opening act, you know? Because this motherfucker goes up there and does 10 minutes of just the most well-written ass-eating material I've ever heard in my life. And I'm just going through the roller decks going, what am I going to do that's going to follow this? And I got my head.

And for the first show, it was, I'm going to be honestly, it didn't go well. Because I like, psychologically, I beat myself up. Which is always the only time I don't have a good set is when I psychologically beat myself up. Second show, it went great. And I said, fuck it. What do I got to

lose here. But, dude, you're a monster, dude. You're a guy. I don't have to gear up for a lot of people, but I'm like, who am I found? Okay, Diaz, okay, I have to go San Francisco 49ers. We're at to fucking script my first 15 plays because I got to follow, I got to let the jokes get me through when maybe my mentality isn't there. Like, it should be. Anybody else, it's like, flame throw, flame throw, flame throw. If I would enjoy Deez, man, we got to script this shit. It's crazy how I have a blue collar. It's because, you know, You know, you want to say, yeah, it's because of the comedy store, original room. But it's so many fucking rooms that for me to get that style, I love doing 20 minutes.

Let's get that out of the way. Give me a light at 18. And you get off quick, man. You get a light at 18, you're off at 20. Nobody else does that. And you really want to rock this motherfucker? Let's do 12. Give me a light of 10.

I guarantee you I'll break one of these fucking bulbs just from me. a heat. One of these, both. I love all that shit. That's why I love it. And it's weird that I could do any dimension of time. You know, I love doing six minutes. Oh. Six minutes.

Oh. Three minutes. Oh. Where that's a lot of people can't. Are you even doing jokes at three minutes? Are you just like torturing the crowd? It's energy. It's just a burst of energy. But that three minutes also

taught me how to audition. Do you follow me, how it goes hand in hand? So when you're in Seattle and you're an open mic and you're going, I can't do nothing in three minutes. Mitzi Shaw used to give you three minutes. Three fucking minutes. You had three minutes to make it or break it. So you really got to be tuned up.

Those three minutes, that goes back to auditioning. So now you think you were polishing up your stand-up and you were questioning it. Don't fucking question that. But that's something you won't know if you went to ground links. That's something you won't know. if you went to Iowa or he took a stand-up course

from somebody and started fucking around these are the things you'll never know it took me six years to get the courage to come to Los Angeles not because I thought I was good

I never thought I ended up doing shit because stand-holt talked me into it and I had two years of fluff time and in those two years of fluff time I picked up a movie, a pilot so they pay attention even though he sucks they pay attention

now you God bless you look I'm lying Even though I suck, they had to pay attention. And eventually the pieces come together, and then you grow on that. And that's what we're discussing here. That's what it's all about. You know, sometimes you don't come here. You're not the funniest guy.

But you come, you look, you see what you've got to do, and you set your dream in motion. And even though you put your hooks in here, you go on the road in between, you do six fucking tough weeks. I remember Mitsy passed me on a Sunday, and I was supposed to leave that Tuesday for San Ramon. I canceled. I'm not leaving on her because she'd forget your fucking name.

Yeah. That Monday, I was the first motherfucker calling. I went a spot, boom. And I stayed here for five or six weeks. We'd cancel everything. I made sure I made an impact. And sure enough, I got into a fist fight the second night and she was walking in.

Bam, there you go. Who's this dude? Bam! Throw him punches up here, second night and shit. She loved chaos, dude. She loved chaos. You know, being a comedian so interesting because it's really like some karate master shit

in that you got your dojo, your home club, you work your comedy, and then the key is to go on the road and fight other karate masters. Like you just go into other cities and you got to see if your kung fu works there, if your kung fu works over here. I always used to love that.

It's like, okay, can I rock this room? Back when I first started doing comedy, because I went straight to headliner dude. And it really hurt my career. I hurt my fucking career. Absolutely. I never got to watch. how a headliner operates.

I went straight to a headliner, and I had to learn the hard way. And I kind of got all these gigs, and they kind of went away. And then I just started just working, and I just started watching. And then, you know, Rogan took me on the road sometimes. I got to watch how he worked and just how you do with the show. And I got to watch Mazda Brani work, you know, and just like the ebb and flow of being a headliner. And, like, it took me a little while to realize that,

because I used to want to go in their power set and do, like, a fucking, 45 of fire and you just can't do a 45 of fire you gotta kill for a little while give them a chance to breathe take a breath reset kill for a little while take a breath oh oh here come to checks checks drop okay i gotta fucking keep these guys's attention or else i'm it's gonna sound like i'm bombing right now how do you deal with check drops and then like the big closing and all that stuff it's psychological how you clue how are you headlining coming for now almost 20 years dude okay so it's weird that I've been doing comedy 23 years, and I just really started headlining three years ago. Really? I always headlined. But do you follow I'm saying to you? Like, I became a headliner three years ago.

Like, I just stumbled on it. Like, I had been headlining since seven years since I got here. My first manager, Ken Phillips, he'd get me out on a creative runs as an headline. I had 40 minutes that's stretching it. That's if the audience talked back to me. Now I had to do 45. I bombed every night. But to become a headline, you got to bomb his hatline.

You bomb. And so what about if you bomb in Clark, Tennessee or West Virginia? You're bombing. Then I'm going to like you anyway, because you don't have a guitar and a banjo and a fucking hat on. But that makes, it's amazing how you grow with the art. Now you look back and go, oh, my God, I was horrible at seven years. And I was walking around the comedy store.

In my mind, I was horrible. I'm horrible now, so I can't imagine when I was doing it, being a comic at seven years, and I was already at the store fucking walking around, you know, bombing, but following Mooney, following Eddie Griffin, following dice, following Saggett, following, you know, you're in there, you're in the fucking trenches. And then you're in the trenches for two weeks, and you're on the road for three. And you're in the trenches for two. So you're learning how to bob and weave at different state,

to stay. Lee, wake up. Look at you, cocksucker was 10 milligrams. Let me get some shout-outs here. Hold on one second. 10 fucking milligrams. You ain't. That's all right. Martin L. You know, I love you. God bless you, cocksucker. Joey B. Andy Scott, Rob, the mailman in Connecticut, you

bad motherfucker. Keep delivering that shit. Scott, Vaughn, and my main man, Billy Welsh. You know, I forgot all about it. You're Armenian by trade? By birth By birth

And you went on the road With the Axis of Evil tour Yeah I was I used to When when it first started How I got picked up At the comedy store Duncan Tressel was

The Booker at the time And Amaz Jabani Was a really good friend of mine And they both called me up They're like listen We got a way to get you in the store Mitzie wants to do a Middle Eastern show Before 9-11

She came up with this idea A year before And she's like I want to do a Middle Eastern show They're like She's like just do a joke about being a, one joke about your mother, one joke about being Armenian,

and one joke that you love. So I did a joke, and I remember you liked this joke back the day. It was about Asians on Ecstasy. I don't know if you ever remember that joke. I remember I did it, and Joey Dia goes, dude, that's a funny fucking joke. And I was like, okay, it's Diaz-sur-fied.

I used to really, I still love you, but I always had a lot of love for you, Matt. The funniest thing that I remember, that why I fell in love with Tripoli because you meet people at the store and then you judge them next by their work ethic they come over, they give you a blast of Coke and you like, this guy's all right,

you have a drink with them, maybe he gives you a ride home, you borrow 40 bucks, but then you like this about somebody. When you're a comic, especially for me, I like this about it. Okay, so he's okay. But then after a while,

if I'd see you want to stage bomb in or whatever, then you stop. That kind of goes away. I don't mind if somebody bombs because I bombed, but you got to have heart. There's something about heart that I've always been attracted to. I don't give a fuck if you got money or card.

That shit, though. If you don't have heart, I can't hang with you. There's people, and you've got to test them just to see if they got heart. And sometimes they disappear and you feel bad, but some motherfuckers are like, I got a heart dog, and this is what I'm going to do. And you got to end, and we were mutual friends from Pablo.

You know, we both knew Paul. He gave me a car. They wanted a fucking post. game. My first car in LA. A car. Car because the car that I drove out from Vegas, the engine had exploded on the drive out. I had no fucking car. Pablo and Rita were like, baby, he's got a car for you. Do you want a car? And he's like, how much you want to pay for me? It's like, I got no money. He's like, okay, keep it. So that's who Pablo was, man. He would give you a fucking car. They won in a poker game.

So it was crazy. He got into the store. and one night, you know, when you walk... And a great story about that car too. When you walk into the store, when you check in, let's say you have an original room spot, you check in with the original, when you were a young barracuda, because when you get into the store first, you're a nervous little faggot.

Your first year, you're a nervous. It takes you about eight months to somebody challenge you emotionally or something. And then after that, you become a barracuda. What's a barracuda that you can't wait to get you. the store. You just can't fucking wait. You live it, you dream it, your dick gets hard, you sleep upside down at night.

There's something about the store. Your first eight months. And then after that, you can't not be away from that place. It becomes an addiction, which means if your spots at 1145, you will be there at 9.15 on the Friday, Saturday.

Because you never know. You might catch a fall on the fucking mainland for hustling. Just for hustling. You might walk in and go, hey, man, I'm... Joey, you hear? Can you go up next? Listen, if Dave Tyree don't come, you're in the main room, right?

Totally, you just made $125 fucking for going, $130. So you would... I walk back there. I check in, as I'm checking in. You would walk around the back. You'd go through a male bathroom, boom, and into the back, and whoever was working. Hey, what's happened? Listen, there's a follow.

I'm here. I'll let you know. I'm coming to the stage. Sam Trippling. So as I walked back, and also suddenly starts doing my favorite joke, Sam Tripley didn't know that it was 9, 40, 10, 15. She put them up by mistake early, and it was, the main room is for certain people at 9 o'clock. 100%.

From 9 to 10.30, it's for certain people. Then 55 will leave, and 40 will come in, and that's your crowd. Comedy store works for people for people that are going You're like well how the fuck do we sit there from 9 to 12 Nobody sits there from 9 to 12 right People come at 9 and leave at 10 15 because they want to go somewhere else And in another hand coming at 11 And that's your audience

Well he caught the 9 o'clock crowd And he's up there doing the Asian and ecstasy joke And they're not going But he don't give a fuck He doesn't get we don't give a fuck When you start you have this belief You're in the main room You don't give a fuck with a joke

is working or not. You don't stop the joke. You keep fucking dabbing it out. You keep throwing punches. And he's up there. I'm by the corner because I'm admiring him. I'm like, what this cat don't know is these people are 80 fucking years old. And he's just throwing daggers at him. And he worked himself out of it or whatever. And that's when I fell in love with Sam Triplett. Because he got himself out of a hole, not knowing. He was so young, he thought the Asian joke was going to work in front of everybody. They didn't know what Exist he was. I didn't know what exorckey fucking was. You follow me? So if I didn't

if I just caught it because my world was cocaine, but he's doing this ecstasy joke in front of these people that, but he just believed himself and that's when you respect people. I had a philosophy very early and it was when it comes to stand up,

my will to kill is stronger than their will not to laugh. Like I am going to get this show going. At some point, I'll throw a couple out, a couple of nothing, then I'll start calling them out on the shit and I'm going to crack it. Sometimes I don't, but the will to kill has always been stronger than their will just to steer at me. My first spot at comedy store, first time ever, was following Charles Fleischer, you know, back when he was doing like an hour.

And I didn't know any better. I didn't know who that guy was. What year was this? I have to say it's like 2000, dude. 2000, I just got picked up. Now, we did the dirty thing at the pool with the naked women. You were there with us? No, I don't remember.

Okay, then you weren't there with us. Teab was there. Teab just told me recently he was there. And somebody found the tape on YouTube, the porno we did. It wasn't a sex porno. We did comedy at a pool party. When we were naked, it was a copycat to Girls Gone Wild. Oh, I wish.

These poor bastards just took a bat. They were telling us how they invested a hundred grand, and they had TV spots, and they had a plan from A to Z, how they were going to fucking sell the TV spots, and that's how they were going to sell these tapes that they estimate a certain amount. They get their money back,

and then they would, they paid us okay for the day, but then they would send us more money in the mail. These guys, the whole fucking thing bomb. But I thought you were one of the guys. I forget who was there. I think it was Maas, Mike Young. Oh, no, no, I'm thinking the Maas gig

they hooked me up with doing this big Persian show and this fucking mansion in the hills that paid well, but no, this was something else. I did chocolate sundays. You ever done chocolate sundays? days. I did the big DVD and the whole deal was once we sell this, we'll pay you. And like, I was like, oh, that sounds shady, but I was so, I just got back, I gone to Montreal and bombed. And all I wanted was revenge. I was just, I wanted to show the world that what happened up there. Because I didn't even

know what I was going into. I didn't even know what Montreal was. I was this kid from the Vegas comedy scene, which was like this sleeper cell of a comedy scene. It literally had no connection. to the rest of the world. It was just like, we grew up in our own little environment playing bar gigs. I had no clue what the fuck I was doing. I go up there, I bomb. Because in my audition, I tapped into something

that I understand now, but I didn't know then. I just tapped into it. And I flame throwed the room, but I didn't know how to get it back. And I go up to Montreal, and I bomb. They put me up after, uh, who is the fucking funny black comic? Oh, fuck, I can't remember.

But he murders. Now I would follow it, not even think twice about it. Then it was just, I went up there and I bombed. And for the rest of like the next three years, I just was like a fucking samurai just going around and exacting revenge on people I thought wronged me. So I get a chance of like, hey, you want to do this fucking chocolate Sundays? And I'm like, yeah, I'll do chocolate Sundays. I'd have to follow Cat Williams.

But I was so crazy back then and didn't give a fuck. I went up there and flamethroughed this fucking room. And now I watch that DVD and I'm watching Cat Williams. I'm like, this motherfucker is murdering the room. How the fuck did I follow that guy? It's amazing. And I fucking follow him. Well, like, I did that literally 10, 10, 11 years ago.

They sent me a check a year ago. Here's the money we promise you. I'm like, and I totally needed it. I'm like, unbelievable. They really sold it and they paid out like they promised. Like a fucking gentleman, dude. And I got the check. I'm like, oh, I need this so badly.

I cashed it. Fucking kept straight, dude. I'm like, Pookie, you're a good man, dude. That's honorable shit, the payout on shit. He's still around, Pookie? What's that? Pookie's still around. Yeah, he still runs the show.

You ever hear the time where he fucking tried to knock out Eddie Griffin? Because Eddie Griffin had just got kicked out of the comedy store. We're still looking for a place to go. He goes to the laugh factory, tries to do Eddie Griffin, where he goes forever, and they're flashing the light. They're killing his mic. He won't get off stage. and it's just spooky, just walks up on stage, start swinging on dudes.

It's crazy-ass shit. I ain't going over there. I don't want to get into a fist fight with nobody. Dude, the Chocolate Sundays at Laugh Factory is one of the greatest shows you'll ever play. I used to do that shit. I did it years ago. Shake, you could feel the room shake

from those fucking good-looking black people. Like, gorgeous black women. I was there when Chris Weber was dating, the chick that was on every TV. Yeah, Tom, who's a supermodel? Natalia Shire, Cucksuck. I don't know. What about it? You're the best.

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You know what I'm saying? What you think you're dealing with you? At least I am. How high are you? I'm really high. Look at the, what the fuck? You are high, dog. 10 milligrams is a little. At least give me the credit I deserve it.

That was like what? 70? It was 70. If we split it, it's 35. You're like a happy jack or lantern. You don't ever told you that. That's how I feel. You wait 35 milligrams. Okay.

And the joint. I got here, this is East Bay Grown. Somebody gave me a nice present. I forgot to call you and thank you. I got the stuff in my wallet. Let me see if I got him. I don't want to be rude. I don't want to be here love in vain.

It's not like you're not high. These people took good care of me. How often do you get high, Lee, whenever I'm with him? You get tired when he's supposed to get high every day. He's got to go to debt school here. You know, this ain't know. What happens if the fuck? If the Russians get you, what are going to get you?

They're going to give you goulash? Fuck no. They're going to make you smoke dope every day, and you're going to be prepared. They can't trick you. They're going to tell you you're a Russian Jew. You're going to suck my dick and call me shorthy. I was born in 1940.

I don't know nothing. What the fuck you're talking about, right? I know nothing. All I know is it's the Marines' birthday today. Did you people know that? Yeah. How many years today? I don't know.

How many years you don't fucking know these people? What are you thinking is 150? People use your fucking Yamika is because of the fucking Marines, huh? And you don't know. You got some fair balls. It's their birthday. Don't make me make you get up and fucking... 239th birthday.

Wow. 239th birthday defending this beautiful fucking country. I want to salute the Marine Court. All you savages at your house. Keep stabbing motherfuckers. Shoot them in the head. Take that heroin. Do what the fuck you got to do? You got one shot of being a fucking soldier. You guys are out there. Who the fucking

was the judge you? Who the fuck are we to judge these soldiers. They're fucking Marines. 230-night battalion and shit. Don't make me go crazy and start stabbing motherfuckers tonight. Sam Trippley, what's going on with you? I know you had the CD. A CD went out, just writing. Don't make me

start it. Oh shit. There we go. Why you got to do this to them? I'm getting emotional and shit. The Marines, be all you could be. I salute you bad motherfuckers. I salute any of you in the armed forces. The Army, The Navy, the fucking Coast Guard, the Air Force, you're out there banging that. Shit gets heavy.

Who do you think goes down first? Old Navy? Old Navy. I love you as all. But happy birthday to the Marines. The baddest motherfuckers out there. Four fucking servicemen were sitting around a campfire one night. And they were telling stories. The guy in the Army Ranger was talking about how he stabbed three Puerto Ricans in the war of Ouija Me.

The Air Force guy was talking about how he shot down a bunch of men. the fucking Vietnamese cock-suckers in the war of fucking two fingers. And the Navy guy was talking about how he was a seal, he put explosives. And the whole time, the Marine was staring the suit with his dick.

You understand? The thing was boiling and the Marine was just staring it with his dick. I salute you. Happy birthday, you bad motherfucking savages. That's how you do it. You fucking put your heart on tape when you salute the young forces. You think I'm going to be one of those momos at the airport saluting them.

Fuck, no, they got the green suit on. They got chemical warfare. I keep fucking walking. What the fucking thing you're dealing with? Joey Vanana's on a Monday night. You were sitting there watching some Monday night football like a step that you are. That's what the fuck is wrong with you. It's Monday night.

Fuck football. Why be like the rest of these communists watching that shit on the ESPN? It used to be on ABC. Shit got ugly. shit went down so they put it on the ESPN like a fucking it's like putting black people in the back of the bus you don't do that you don't do that to football but these people accept it for what they are they get what the fuck they deserve

talk to me Sammy trips I got all emotion right here that's that's a beautiful rant dude the story the other classic Marines stirring his soup with his dick it just got me that's what they do that's what they do dude that was classic you're the king you're the king of the segue It's like the non sequiters. Did you see Loan Survivor? What?

Do you see that lone survivor movie? Yeah. That was crazy. Read the book. I literally just bought the book. They'd have thrown themselves down mountains. Yeah. I couldn't like, can you imagine doing that?

Yeah, that's crazy shit. They had a guy on ESPN last night. That's a movie with Mark Wahlberg? Yeah. That's a crazy fucking movie. Right? I've watched it three times in hotels. I've been to Afghanistan.

It's fucking nuts over there. You're crazy. God bless those motherfuckersers. I can never do that now. And then like... I chicken down. I wouldn't take the blood test. That's how much I was...

I would have been a fucking good Marine. At that time, I was crazy. You could have sold me anything. You could have sold me a bill laid it. I would have gone to Beirut and shit. I would have fucked the motherfuckers up, but I wouldn't take the blood test. That's fucked up.

There was a draft that would go. Now at this age. Not, not. I mean like... If they're too old, if they said, hey, dude, a 4-2, you can go fight. If something happened, that the country got in trouble

and I could go in a helicopter and drop those bombs on people. That's my speed I'll drop bombs A superhero Yeah I don't get it Just press a button Like apocalypse now

Shoot the fuck that I can do that I can't jump walls In hand to hand com Yeah me neither You know I can't parachute out of an app I'll break my fucking kneecaps

They're in a parachute They can home I'll tell you what I'll drop fucking missiles on you I'll help you out I'll load the fucking planes I can do that But I just can't

I'm too old I can't breathe And shit Yeah dude I can barely Play basketball Yeah no Well did you see that guy On ESPN who

jumped on a grenade because like to save like the guys in the house below him and like blew off half of his face he was like the like the second marine ever since the Korean War to get like the medal of honor like the only one the only living Marine like he he jumped on a grenade like who would have that thought process that's crazy. A Marine. A fucking Marine. That's love dog. That's what it's all about. That's that's that's that's that bill of lady buying it. It's special. You know, we need. never bought a night. I feel bad at times. Yeah, I feel bad sometimes. Coming out now, 38, 40, being a security, fucking guy with a weapon, being able to shoot motherfuckers and go, what the fuck is your

10 years? What the fuck out of my pace? I did 20 years killing fucking immigrants. You're going to give me time now. I've killed everybody. Black, yellow, half of Africa. I've shot Spanish people, Bolivians, and now you want to throw me in jail for shooting some drunk of the bar. Get the fuck out of the bar. face.

Fuck you. Go look at the medals I got, bitch. Well, there's that movie coming out about that sniper who killed more people than everybody. He's like had the most confirmed kills by a sniper, and here's the crazy thing.

He was trying to help like this guy who just came back from the war with his, you know, post-traumatic syndrome, and they took him to his shooting rage. The guy went crazy and shot both of them. It's sad, man.

But it's like the most confirmed kills by a sniper. There's a movie coming out. It's Clint Eastwood's movie. He's directing it. Well, you know, man, once you give a shark to taste of fucking blood, it's tough to pull them back, you know, once they have that weapon in their hand, it's like giving somebody a pound of Coke every time you see him.

It's all over, Lee. Well, you're looking good tonight. How many pounds you lose now? 66. Look at sharks. League, that's awesome. Congratulations. Thank you.

Well, that's like I shouldn't have put it on, but no, it feels good. What are you working out, too? Just cardio. I'm still kind of scared to do like kettlebells or something, but I'm going to have to start that soon. You don't do no setups and shit. Do some karate and shit? I did karate when I was a kid, but no, not recently.

I did karate over to Shiro's and fly through the air. I can just imagine a little guy on an Israeli star on the back. Israeli samurai? Throwing fucking sidekicks for Putin. I don't even know the fuck Putin is. Trip, so you're at Sacramento. when this weekend yeah this whole weekend Thursday Friday Saturday and Molly was nice enough to let me not do Sunday because I got to get back to L.A. because in the main room I'm doing my big

Armenian bone mail donor registry thing it's my one my one show year it's my karma show because you know the rest of the year I'm a shady motherfucker all my hobbies are felonies you know I'm in the weird shit so this is the one show I do that kind of gives back to the universe and it's this weird shit because Armenians have unique genetic makeups because we were a Christian country surrounded by Muslims so we didn't want to hook up with any of them so we just kept hooking up with us. We're kind of like the hillbillies of, you know, the Eastern Europe.

And so it's hard for us to find genetic matches. So my cousin Michelle and this doctor named Dr. Fried Jordan decided because my cousin Michelle's daughter got cancer. So I got bone marrow cancer And they couldn't find a match So they decided to start the Armenian bone marrow donor registry And it's crazy, dude Because you do charity events all the time

And you never really see where your hard work goes Here it's like you see the fruits of your labor It's crazy man It's one of the coolest things I'm a part of We're going on our 12th year of doing it 12 years dude I've been doing shows at the comedy store 12 years

That's a long time You're a badass Armenian You're representative I'm trying, dude, because I didn't know that See, I thought I was white when I moved out to LA And then I was doing a joke at the Hustler Cafe Where this guy, Tony Montana

Used to do a show He was this crazy, like, coked out fucking dude Who ran a comedy show at the Hustler Cafe And I'm doing a joke about how I, how hard it is to be white And then Paul Mooney came up to me Afterward he goes, oh, homie, homie, you ain't white, you's Armenian,

you's a nigger. And I was like, Whoa! I just got called the N-word by the king of the N-word. It's fucking great, dude. And it was the coolest thing ever. And then that's when I realized, that's when I realized Armenians are different,

like, out west than they are back east. Back east, they're white. They look white. You wouldn't even know. If you saw my aunts, you'd be like, whoa, they're white people here. It's like they're Persian Armenian. And they tend to be a little more angrier out here.

One of my friends growing up was Armenian in Jersey. I never put it together until I came here about five years ago. His name was Carnic Aciduri, and I always think about him because he was a tough guy, and once he found out, my mother died, he always would come to me and ask me if anybody was bothering. And his brother, their hobby was picking up Volkswagen and turned him around. So however you park your Volkswagen, when you woke up the next day, it was pointed up to Hill,

and you're like, why? It was him and his brother. They were beasts. They weren't felons. weren't criminals, nothing like that. But when they had your back, and then there was another kid that was Armenian that I wasn't tight with.

I knew him, I knew his sister. Until this day, again, I didn't even know what Armenian was. And he lit up four dudes. He was a tough motherfucker. So looking back, his name was Karnik, Asadurian, and Jack from the Ha-ha. His last name

was Asadurian, and he said he had a bunch of relatives in New Jersey. So I knew I was onto something. Armos are crazy, bro. The guy who owned Sanku, dude. His whole story, his whole family. Who's Sanku? Zanku chicken?

Ever he did Zanku chicken? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where is it? Brother By me, you go to Zanku, aren't you? No, I want, once there's one over on Sepulveda and Sherman Oaks. By the Target. The big one is the one on sunset back in the day off. Hit me, hit me. Sunset and Normandy, dude. It's like, it's some good-ass shit.

That dude who built that, who starred Zanku, went. shot his whole family up. It's a whole crazy-ass story. And now it's like, yeah, it's like, we're crazy. Wasn't JJ the King of Beep is Armenian? Yeah, I think so. Well, you know, there's all these rumors like, shares Armenians, you know that?

She's Armenian. And then there's also, there's this whole story that we like to hold on to that George Clooney's an arm-o-toe. He's got a little armo in him. See, Lee, did you know that? George Clooney had a little armo to him? A little arm-o.

I had lunged his suspic. You had what? I think he's trying to say Long's respected it, but we couldn't get it out. Good to know. Such a happy... What's going on with the naughty show? You know, right now, like I was doing the radio show for a while.

I've taken a little break because I want to get back to video, but I want to do it like old school, like kind of like Howard Stern's like cable show. You remember back in the day? So I'm talking to some people, I'm trying to get on on-demand. because these people think to do a dirty show

you gotta be a chick and some weird shit that's going on right now so I'm like I'm gonna throw it on on demand so I'm having a meeting this week some people to do like a low budget like kind of like not public access so but a show where like it's on on demand we shoot it and we put it on on demand and then I'm trying to get in Vegas still

so I'm just Vegas is great dude lot people don't like Vegas I went to college out there as running rebel you know I love Vegas I think it's a crazy place because there's so many casinos opening now and these casinos are opening up two or three like theaters and these theaters are running a show every two hours. There's so many theaters and there's so many shows now that artists can actually make a living there.

So I'm working on getting out there. I got a couple show pitches going out there and I'm just working on it. So now I'm starting a new podcast. It's called Twisted and it's just me talking shit. That's what I love you. I'm triple you. What about you, Cogsuck? What's up, buddy? You sit there like fucking zombie land and just look around like, I'm on a Luca

Leake. Right now, yeah. You think, all right, 30 milligrams is what you do to me. This is it. Well, on top of what did I have earlier today? That was fucking 10 hours ago. That shit shouldn't even be in your system. Did you take a nap? Only a 30 minute nap, yeah. How come that's it? I don't know. What did you eat after the spaghetti, Coguck? With the edible

in you? I had a bag of the caramel rice crispsies, rice cakes. So you're done for the day? Yeah. Oh, you're not allowed to eat any more? Not if I want to stay under my calories now. How many calories you got left? None. Zero calories? Can you even breathe? Yeah, I can breathe, but it just, oh, because I couldn't go to the gym today because

I don't go high. I don't know how you do that, Joey. Have you tried to work out high? Once, and I felt like I was going to fall off the machine, and I just couldn't do it. I just left like this. When you were talking about listening to music and your headphones, you do that to me today. You turned up music on me, Because it freaks me out when you're listening to Black Sabbath. And I'm stoned out of my mind. I don't know how you do that. You don't like Black Sabbath stoned?

I like it, but there's some dark songs, like really intense. And when you're high, you get a little paranoid. Or I do, I don't know. It seems like you guys like it. You know the edible before you go. Not even a chance. What do you like to listen to while you're high? Nothing.

I like to just sound hard. I just go home. Look at this. Go up that. You see his face. All he can think about is going home, sitting on that couch, with the remote, closing the lights, and eating like a fucking savage.

That's all he can think about when he gets high. You are so baked and so great. I wish I was that hot. Listen to me, bro. If he doesn't get high with me, he doesn't get high. This is why he has to get high on these nights. Because if not, he has gummy bears. His house has got weed.

He sits there with his girlfriend straight as a fucking monk, like a fucking moot that he is. That's why I got to burn him. up. All right, Sam Trippley, I love you, Cucks. Hey, thanks for having me on. I really appreciate it, dude. Let me tell you something. I don't know if that squad's been slipping this year. I didn't go this year, but I'll be there like in February and March for sure. I got dates already. I think Lee's coming up with me.

Lee, you do stand up? No, no. No, no. He just comes through the podcast, what and that. Go see my man, Sam Tripley. You're going to get a fucking tremendous fucking show out of him. You know, Sammy Trips don't fuck around. Dude, I take pride in my live shows. No, no, no. So please, if you're not. doing nothing, but you're not. It's fucking Sacramento. What are you going to go to a car show in the daytime?

What happened? The mules are coming to town. What, what is it? Underrated city, Sacramento. Sacramento, you got to get out of the house. You got to smoke and crack and see what life is about, all, all right? It's not all fucking going at 10 o'clock. Go see my man, Sammy trips to the punchline. What's the number to the Sacramento punchline? Let's get some people calling up right now. Let's get the web page. You should have had this shit all fucking up. We've been eating those edibles again. You're slipping cock-cocked.

I apologize. Jesus Christ, mighty. All right, it's 916, 925, 5500. Call right now, get some tickets. You're going to have a great time. I'm going to say, man, Sammy, Sam, and you're going to be in Toronto. Oh, shit. Who are you going up there with?

Underground. I'm headlining. Oh, shit. This is what I'm talking about, Sammy Trips, making it happen. Where are you going to be at New Year's Cucksucker? Aren't we at the ice house? I don't know about we. I might not take you that. I don't know.

You're slipping lately. Okay. You're eating edibles. I don't know about you. I love it. It's okay. We'll be back Wednesday night. See you next.

See you Wednesday. Stay black. I want to thank Anette one more time. Hitty Sigs. And also, also, I'm just letting you guys know what's coming on board. A little surprise for you guys. I got Iron Dragon TV coming on. Martial arts, classic kung fu, the It Man series, Tai Chi Zero.

More movies. Go to Iron Dragon TV. Just go over. over to the web page, see what they got right now. I think you need something to click on your email. Just put your email on there. I'll get all the codes for you and stuff. But this is Roku, correct?

Yeah, it's a channel on your Roku. So it's, what they're doing is they're renting or they have a ton of all the martial arts. All the Marshal. I Man is the best. Yeah. That guy's the best. I got I Man series.

It got Tai Chi Zero. It's 48 rentals for 99 cents. I'll have a code for you to get two free ones. Really? Wow. Yeah, yeah. This is a great deal. That's a great deal. I went out with Dave the other night in Chinatown.

He took me out to dinner. Great guy. He's been around for a while. He knows his shit. So we'll let you know more about it on Wednesday. You're a man. I want to thank Sam Tripley again for coming here. Thanks having me on, dude.

I love you. Sacramento. Marines, I love your cock suckers, all the shotouts. Stay black to my friends up there who gave me the weed. I don't know where I put your card. I know it's somewhere at the house. And to my main man who drew the picture. I left the picture up at the punch.

They're going to use it for a month and they're going to mail it to me. But don't worry, I got your cover. I got your name at the house. I just didn't get it out. I love you guys. Stay black. This show is sponsored by Onet.com. Go to Onet.com and use code word church to get 10% off.

Any of their great products, Alpha Brain, New Moo, Shroom Tech, Immune, Shrmtex Sport. And go to hit eSigs.com and use code word Joey's church to get 20% off of the best E-Sigs in the market. The proof is in the vape. And go to Iron Dragon TV and take a look seat. And we'll get back. you on Wednesday with more details. All right.