The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #230 - Joey Diaz, Bryan Callen and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: November 13, 2014

Bryan Callen, Comedian and Host of The Fighter and The Kid Podcast joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Recorded live on 11/12/2014. Music: Led Zeppelin - Dazed and Confused Rick James - 69 Times

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Hell yeah, it's free. You will give you a free... If you listen to Joey Diaz's podcast, they will give you literally five bags for free, and they'll deliver it to your door, okay? Like doctors. Like doctors. Like doctors. Like doctors. Code word Joey.

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Was I hungry the whole time? Never. Hell, no, I wasn't. Thank you, Onet. Because I'm on it. You look at my. my body, right? You go, oh, wait, Brian. You're 47, but you play 37, right? Yeah, you know why? Because it's take on it, and I use their products. And you use code word shirts to get 10% off.

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physique, so I'll be a customer very soon. That's how I would have described you as European. I hear it all the time. I use code word Joey. Remember, never trusted you that's giving you something for free. That's what they did. That's how they got Jesus. They calmed them in. Oh, well, then this one isn't free then. So you might know that, Brian, you might know

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Dropping a little Rick James for you crack heads out there. The Churchill's happening now. Wednesday. November 12th, you bad motherfuckers. Slinging dick and giving out bubble gum, baby. Rick James,

old school. Drink that, motherfucker. Drink that motherfucker, Lee. We're going to It used to be an edible. Lee, that's the funk one. Give me the one with lyrics, cocksucker.

That's the music got fucked, too. Okay. Give me something with lyrics. Well, how about this? I'm going to give you what we were supposed to start with, and then for the end I'll get lyrics. All right. You're slipping.

What else are you going to do? Sit there like a fucking moron and watch TV and scroll through the channels. The church of what's happening now coming at you from the deaths of fucking hell tonight. North Hollywood. Are you kidding me or what? Rip out that bong, it's over.

It's over. You got a half an edible eater. You got heroin. You might as well get this weekend started early. This stuff sounds like, kind of said you smoke opium too. Brian Callen's in the house tonight. Yeah, baby.

Are you fucking kidding me or what? What's the story, Lee? Nothing. Well, you've been on day. What do you mean nothing? I don't know. I went to the gym, had a good day. So what else is crack a lackling?

I had Jordan Lee over. I referred to record a podcast. It was a lot of fun. He's a nice guy, Jordan Lee. He's a great guy. And that's, I mean, that's all I did. What do you do today? I did a bunch of shit.

I went to Jitsu. I drove up and down the fucking hill. I took my daughter for a walk in her little car. Then I went home and almost strangled my wife. You know, the regular fucking day. Right or wrong. On a Wednesday, by Wednesday, you want to strangling your wife. What's the secret to making a relationship work?

Loving her. Yeah. There's no love. It's a verb, right? Love is kind of an action, right? I mean, you got to take the action. maybe I don't know you know it's amazing I got married when I was younger and I didn't have an idea what marriage was yeah I thought it was you got married to get laid and

somebody to do your laundry and yeah you worked all the hours in the world you well nobody teaches you that shit right nobody there's no manual for it right it's like you you kind of thrown in I read this thing about how men and women for almost every culture stop playing boys and girls stop playing with each other about the age of six so they exclusively play with each other like the same sex. And then by the time you're in college, that's when you shack up with a girl maybe or even after. So all of a sudden, you're living with somebody and you haven't been spending any time, unless you've got older sisters or something, but for the most part, they are aliens to

you. And now you're living with them and they think and they see the world in a completely different way. I broke up with a girl for sleeping through raging bull. I couldn't understand why she'd sleep through raging bull. I was like, well, we don't have anything in common. I'm out. But, you know, that doesn't make any sense. Now that I know how different men and women are, of course she slept through raging bull. I broke up with a chick that she was a drug counselor. Same fucking difference. I'm trying to get high.

She's trying to talk to me about fucking not getting high. That's a tough relationship right there. Yeah, it is. That's a true story. Did you not know she was a drug counselor? Yeah, I knew. I told that I smoked dope. That's it.

You know, start a date, heavy or heavy. Next thing, you know, I got dead dick. I got white rings around my nose. She's going to know there's something. You know what I'm saying? That's what she does all day. It's just weird. It's tough to, you got to put a lot of effort in.

Yeah. You know, you have to put a real lot of effort, and I put a lot of effort on with my wife, you know, and I put time in at the house, which is very important. You know, I can't be how old. I used to be a renegade. Who wants to be home? No, it was the same way. Who the fuck wants to be home? And then you hook up with a woman, you fall in love with them, and you're still half a renegade.

Somebody, I had a guy, two people tell me very valuable advice. One was, they said, how do you define love? I was like, I don't know, you know, I'm, and he said, I'll tell how to define love. He's older than I was. it's love is when somebody's happiness is more important than your own and then he said here's another piece of advice uh learn how to fight learn how to fight in other words learn what not to say in a fight have boundaries in a fight you can fight you will fight but there's a way to fight where it causes lasting damage and then there's a way to fight where you know you just apologize

yeah man you can complain but don't insult Salt, yeah. You know, that was valuable for me, man. Because I didn't know any of that. This is a girl I met, wrote a play. Not a play. She sent me this short film that she had written and directed. And it was on a date.

The dude was such a douchebag. And I was like, this guy's a fucking douchebag. Guess what? That dude was me. And she based the guy not only after me, but used the lines I used on her. And I called her up and I was like, I'm sorry, man. I was a shithead. She was like, no, you were just young.

You didn't know. I called her a thorough bread. I called her like, it was all about me. I was talking about me the whole time. And then I was like giving her advice on how to fix herself. She was fucking smarter than I was, and a better person. But there I was to know it all.

It's amazing when you get a little older and you look back at your relationships and what made them fail and the dumb things you said or you did or why they left or why they didn't leave. Well, I was also attracted to, the crazies. I was also attracted to the drug addict in the corner, the track marks.

You know what I mean? Like, I like damage, bro. I came in as the white knight on my horse. I'll fix you. You're from a good family over there? Now, you stay over there. You're just that. Let me check out the chick with no father on the pole with the track marks and the bat tattooed

to her face. I'm the guy. Let me fix you. I'll move you in my house. I'll go through fucking hell for two years. And then I'll leave. I'll leave the house with you. I used to drive Rogan crazy.

He just goes nuts with me. He pulls his own hair out. He'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? But whatever, I had to go through my thing. It's amazing how you look back and you were a shit heel. Like me, I'm talking. You did do things when you were younger. That was just, I dumped the girl because she had no mom.

But it came back to me and the end. Why? Because it was the creepiest thing I had ever heard. in my life at that time. At that tender age of 13, I went to a house, dying to dry hump her and suck a titty's because that's all I was going to get. Of course. And I asked her where her parents want.

She told me her father was like a bus driver. And I go, where's your mom? And she goes, my mom died at Chowbrough. And I couldn't even think of swap and spit with her after that. Why? It took me about a week to go back down there and put it behind me. And then when my mother died, three years. years later, that's the first thing I thought about as I was walking to the street to call

the ambulance. Like that was like, God punished me for turning my back on, because I didn't understand that. I didn't comprehend how somebody could go through life without a mother. It baffled me in the eighth grade. Baffled me that she was hot. This girl was really fucking hot. She was Irish.

She had red hair. She had big tits. She let me suck her neck and suck her tits. In the wintertime, it takes a certain type of woman to let you suck. suck those titties outside in the winter and shit in January after a basketball game. Oh, is this in New York? This is in Jersey. Oh, it's cold as fuck.

I'd suck a tits like behind the church in this little fenced area. She would let me suck a tits and I would suck them for like 15 minutes and go into this fucking tit-sucking thing and then you walk home with that hard dick and you're confused. Oh, it was fucking horrible. And I'd walk her home, but during the week I'd go over there and dry hump her. Yeah. And she let me dry, Humper and get all red in the face.

The greatest. Oh, my God. I remember those moments so well. You do. You really do. First time, you finger a girl, and I would smell my finger. I wouldn't wash it for a long time. Oh, shit.

And I'd be like, bro, smell my finger. That stuff is real, man. When you're a kid, those smells bubble gum and perfume and all that stuff. The smell of a woman was so intoxicating. It was beyond. I mean, that sensation you chase the rest of your life. Who was the first person he fell in love with, a friend's mom, a friend's sister. The first girl I ever fell in love with, the first girl I ever fell in love with was my girl when I was 13,

and that was in Saudi Arabia. But she was American, and I dated her for a year. I was the first girl. But having said that, I met a girl when I was 11 for an hour. at a restaurant and there was a picture of her that we had taken that my parents had taken of me and her and I used to stare at that picture because in my mind that was the first girl I ever loved kids are so pure I was in love with that girl man I mean for whatever that meant for me in my mind it took me 15 minutes to fall in love with that girl there's that saying I don't know

who came up with it said it takes it takes five minutes to fall in love love and the rest is denial And then there's another saying says people get divorced after 20 years over what they knew about the person in the first five minutes. And I think that's, I think there's a lot of truth to that, you know? Yes, there is. And I think that as you get older, like, I was truly in love at 14 and truly in love at 18. There's no question about that, man. I mean, all in, bro. All in.

And by the way, I'll go, I'll go. And when I was 20, same thing. Then you start, you know, you start fortifying a little bit. You got a wall. You got to have some snipers on the wall, man. It's really weird the women you end up with at a certain time in your life that you look back and there was no love. You ended up with them because of the situation at hand. When I was maybe 11 or 12, I went to Miami, and I held hands.

with some girl, Natasha, and me and my cousin talked to him. I remember going back to New York and looking at her picture and kind of being in love and talking to them on the phone. It's like, I got the first phone bill. Then my mom almost broke the fucking phone over my skull. It's got $200 phone bill. She lived in Miami and I lived in New York. In those days, it wasn't no time since I was a fucking minute.

No, it was expensive. And then when I was 13, I was swept off my feet totally. I mean, to the point where you can't fucking focus. That's right. Maybe 12. Couldn't focus. And it was the scent of her pussy that drove me. And I'm not saying this in the Joey Diaz.

What I'm saying this. It wasn't even her pussy. It was the scent of that I was going to get her pussy that drove me crazy. The perfume, the smell of her hair. Something. Something drove me crazy. And I mean, guys, I was always a great student. I had psychological problems and I like to yell in class.

And, you know, we all like to go to shopping. operate and steal bubble gum, whatever the fuck. You know, I was a good kid, but I never had problems with grants. Like, that's one thing that that's a staple. I just figured it out early on. I translated it from not knowing English and learning English for myself. I knew you got to put work in. Oh, so English is not your first language?

No, I'm Spanish. I'm Cuban, so it was just really weird that I fell in love with this girl. I mean, I was all in. Like you said, I was in. I couldn't be off the phone with her. She lived across from me You know she would come over after school And I dry hump her

I remember the first time she let me suck her tits My stepfather found her in a closet With no shirt on me I told my mom You know it was two families We're starting a feud The brother didn't like me It was that point you know

And then we were forced to break up But it was too fucking late I loved her and then I went to summer school And I failed out of summer school So I got left back It was fucking traumatizing till this day I got left back for a piece of pussy

like I got left back for a girl I got left via and I remember those it's a horrible feeling and that's why I turned to basketball at that young age but that's that was a love that that fucking held me for years

you know do you think the death of your mother affected how you how you related to women after that I don't get too psychological no after that after the death of my mother it's funny you say that

because I started relating to women as they were going to save me I had two girlfriends that I basically got pissed off at because I wanted to be saved. I wanted them to hug me at night and feed me. But the problem was these two girls were 21. They wanted to snort coke and suck dick. So my little fantasy went out the fucking window, okay?

They wanted to eat quailoos. You know, they live with young fucking girls. Yeah. I was ready to get married at 17 after my mom died. You understand me? Yeah. Because I was ready for that security again. So I was waiting for a woman to save me.

And when one didn't save me, I just went on a fucking tear. After 84, after 21 or 22 or something like that, I stayed single for two or three years, to 85. Yeah, I did. I stayed single. Those two relationships, I knew I wasn't going to be a relationship type of guy. I knew nobody was going to save me unless she was 40. Yeah. And she was desperate.

Nobody was going to fucking save me. So I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to go out and I had a good time. I'm hooked up with a couple of tortoises, you know. You get the sex you need. I was never a sexual deviant. I never left the house going. I'm going to go get pussy tonight.

No. My first thing was the addiction. Then if I bump into pussy and I got enough coke left over for, maybe I'm right of old. You did blow for a long time? Yes, since I was younger. So it really,

then I got married. Then I met this bro in 985. And we got along in hindsight. Did I fucking lover? No. No, it's such a shame. It was need. Yeah.

It was a whole she had. Yes, sometimes I think love, like I look back on the idea of love. And it was more of this, I needed to be the one that she loved. It was a competition. It was like a control factor. It was more like I just wanted to be the dominant creature in her entire existence. So in other words, like, if she was hot, see, I would date slippery fish. I'd date girls that I knew had a history.

with other men and you know they they might step out on you I like that kind of girl because that's a challenge that's something I got I got I got a defeat and so once I let that go you know it was it was all right but that was a strong force in me which was I had to confront I didn't even do it through therapy I never was a therapy guy I just kind of I don't know man you like dirty bitches I had a girl in 84 that was a filthy fucking animal are we best friends today we're best friends today she's a filthy filthy fucking animal. Yeah.

The guy that married is a great fucking guy. I loved them. They're on Facebook. I talked to her four five times a year. I see them for Chinese food when I go to Jersey. But she was the type of girl that stepped down on you. Yeah. And after we broke up, years

later, she stepped out with fucking every... But at the same time, I was getting my dick sucked. I was 84. I've always kind of respected a woman that wasn't hung up on... She just would follow her instincts. Look, man, I was that way. So it was very hard for me to be a hypocrite. One thing I hate being as a hypocrite. No matter how mad I am, I just try as hard as I can

not to be a hypocrite because that's the worst thing you can be in some ways. An imposter and a hypocrite, in my opinion. And, you know, look, it's very easy to say men and women are different. Usually they are, by the way. But if I step out and I'm that guy and I find a girl that steps out and I get mad what she does when I've been stepping out makes me a bad guy but I did get mad Oh yeah

I tear the house up How day you do this to me? To me? What the fuck is wrong with you? There's better dick out there than this guy? Shit It's Yeah

No I didn't like the stepping out type of bitch Because that should get your kills in my world That shit gets glasses broken And motherfucker you know People go crazy over a piece of pussy I mean Starady I have endless amount of stories. That's what Picasso said.

Picasso said man does everything for a woman. Goes to war, fights bulls. Just fucking craziness. Yeah. So now you're fucking around with a person's livelihood or the person's woman. It gets into something else. And I had that. I had that's what this brought it.

I had this. I caught it with a dude, you know. But at the same time, you know, years later, I found out this, this, this, this. But then again, I was with all her girlfriends. It was cocaine. Cocaine was disgusting. And made people suck your dick while you give him a ride home.

You know, it made people. Nobody did a lot of blow, and then their life got better. No, nobody, it was so disgusting. I think of those things now, and it was that whole town where I came from was disgusting. Where in Jersey? I'm North Bergen, which is right by Hoboken in Jersey City. I live in Hoboken, yeah. Yeah, so it's right next to know.

In Hoboken, we used to hang out in Hoboken, and they were all savages. Yeah. Those Jersey women, those Jersey guys, they're fucking savages. Aggression in the air. Aggression. You know, if you ever watch the Jersey show. You can fight in a heartbeat. Somebody's cheating on somebody in the Jersey show.

Somebody was talking to somebody at a bar. That's in the air. That's one game I did not like early on. I knew it gets people bit slapped, and I don't want to die over a piece of pussy. And there's some tough guys. Those are those big, rocked-out dude to show up at the bar. I would go to Hoboken and I'd go out.

This is 91, 92. I'd go to the bar. I'd be the small and skinniest guy in that bar. It's just everybody. Just big. Shooters gallery. was the big club in 94. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember that. I broke the door there, like three times. For $400, one night, I told them, guys, I don't even want the money. I don't ever want to be here ever again. Because it was not for me. Those guys were fucking guerrillas. What did they do?

I saw one night where a guy took a bottle broken and charged my buddy, and it was like a kung fu movie. He took it, twisted them, bang them, cut them with it. Cops came. They dragged them by the feet. I thought you'd love that. No, no, no. No.

There was a point in my life where I was. love that. There was at one point where after I did time and shit, that was it. No, no, no. I wasn't going to raise my hair. Time cured you from that shit, huh? No, it wasn't that it cured me. You see a different dimension. You see what could happen. You learn

on the way here, I was a friend of mine had called and said somebody had gotten busted in Jersey for drugs and I was thinking to myself, my God, what would it feel like for me to be 51 and if it get busted for moving seven pounds of blow or seven ounces of blow? You have

quote moving seven ounces of blow, which is always a bad number right there. Somebody comes to you for seven ounces, something ain't right. Yeah. So. So what, how long did you, how long do you spend the pen?

Like 16 months. But this is a really interesting story. I was driving, I was thinking about how come I never, because I told you last week, I never got popped for drugs. Never. Before the kidnapping, never.

And I moved, and I handled shit. I was on plans with shit. I never got popped for them. I sold Coke. I never got popped for an undercover buy. I knew people who were working me. There's a system they use, how they work you.

Yeah. And I remember I got popped. And when I got arrested, it was the first charge I got. Okay, so they were looking for me overnight. I kidnapped the guy on a Tuesday at 1 o'clock. They were looking for me after like 11 o'clock. The whole day, Wednesday were looking for me the whole day Thursday. By Thursday, I started calling them up and fucking with them

from two different pay phones. downtown Boulder. There was an Albertsons and the Kmart. Boulder, Colorado? Boulder, Colorado. So they're looking for me in Boulder, Colorado for five felony counts. And it's set in the paper. There's an accomplice.

They're on the lookout for. I'm on Lee Hill Road. I'm where Joe used to live. Lee Hill Road up there, hiding up there in the mountains. And I finally turned myself in, blah, blah, blah, blah. So this is, I turn myself on Friday at 11. When I get to the station, they try to debrief me. They try to ask me a bunch of questions.

I go back and forth with them. I tell them some bullshit they hold back, but they go, listen, we have a problem. You did a kidnapping. Kidnapping is a federal offense. It's a capital effect sometimes. The feds are here to get you. Because at that time,

there was other shit going on in Boulder. Some kid's car had been found in a parking garage, and it was bludging with blood. They never found a body. Somebody had busted into some kids' house, and he jumped off the window, and he broke both his legs. and the guy stole his blow.

And now this, this was a drug-related crime. So they kept saying they want a question. You said, took me down to fucking Denver. It took me to a federal place where I sat for four days until they decided whether or not they were going to press charges on me. Then when they got all the information, it wasn't a kidnapping over state line. So they said, take them back to county.

But in those three days, I got to Denver Friday night late. I was fucking starving. and they put me in this day and there were nice little cells you slept by yourself but the next morning when I came out I started talking to two dudes there was one dude I started talking to a white dude

he had visitation you know my girl came to visit me I went outside to talk to her and I looked around to see who was visiting this guy had his parents there they all had diamonds on his girlfriend had fucking diamonds on

so I started talking to a bunch of people I got cozy to him and I started asking him asking him what had happened. And he told me that this started two years earlier. That he was a Coke dealer, you know, that's what he does for a living

out of Aspen or wherever the fuck he was. And he was selling blow and some guy came to him and he was saw him blow, but he goes at the time this guy was shooting coke. So he would come over by

a half a pound of Coke and then asked me, do you mind if I blast him? Wow. And he blast coke, blast coke, blast coke. And he goes, I like blasting coke. And that's how I knew. I gave him the fucking syringe. So I started shooting with him.

He goes, there was a couple times I even shed the fucking needle with him. Oh, shit. And he goes, one day the guy disappears. And nine days later, I got a knock on my door. I get arrested, and I can't figure out who it is and blah, blah, blah. And I go to the fucking thing when they go to charge me. Still, there's a witness. He couldn't figure out who he was.

They go to the preliminary hearing. It's the fucking undercover cop. This guy who blasted Coke was like. Nine months later. And he's telling his attorney, tell him to pull up his sleeves. He goes, the guy didn't even look like him. Like, they had run him to a rehab. He goes, Joey, I knew what was in that thing.

I put the Coke in there myself. I saw him blasting the fucking Coke in his veins. Damn. You know, listen, I know one thing. Life isn't Miami Vice. Nobody's going to come to Lee, a smart Jew, who's making $20 million a year's and going to go, listen, I hate to buy two blocks of Coke.

First of all, you're going to do a background check. A guy like you has an attorney that runs Brian through the fucking mill. Runs him. If anything's wrong, do you remember to live and die in L.A.? They're one of the guy's luggage to make sure his clothing said Beverly Hills on them because they said they were from Beverly Hills. I mean, they go through your shit. They hire people.

That's what they do. If I'm going to make a, if I'm going to fucking go into business with you, I'm going to, oh, yeah. You're a friend of Brian. Come on over. I'll sell you 55 fucking keys. Only in Miami vices people come over and shake it up and test it. You're going to sell it for them. Unless they do that shit in front of you and fucking do it and you see blood coming out of their nose and they shot somebody in front of you.

That's the only way you're going to... I never known people who just sell it to you. Those are the fucking people who get arrested. Do they hire, like, former addicts to be... or just addicts to be undercover cops? Because I can't imagine just a regular guy who went to the police academy going and shooting up cocaine. Well, this is the fucking... deal when the way to become a good ad is to live that life for a while.

You get thrown in it. You're interested in drugs. And they, the cops may not have known it. I mean, you know, you get, listen, man, those guys who are thrill, that's a thrill seeker. Undercover guys, those are thrill seekers. Those dudes do crazy shit. So it's not surprising at all that they would really get into the life.

They do, they do a dangerous job, man. They have to do it. And when you see, let me tell you some, there's nothing more, there's nothing more fucked up than when you see him undercover. cop. Yeah. And you put it together, you're like, God damn.

Fuck, he's right. So then I got transferred to Boulder. And in Boulder, I heard all the stories. Now, listen, anything anybody tells you in the county jail, you rip it 50% down the middle. But you get paperwork. A lot of people sit with you, you become

friends with them. They show your paperwork, and they start telling you their story, and you start putting them together one by one. It's the same fucking thing. It's amazing how they put cases together. You have to come at you a couple times to strengthen the case. They're not going to buy two ounces from Lee and the rest of them the first time. They're going to string them together to make the case stronger against Lee.

They've made multiple buys from you. It really is... Now, where does entrapment fall into all that? What the feds are doing in New York City with the terrorists. What do you mean? And is it entrapment? That's the other thing. So I go into a mosque, and after a week, I start dropping hints.

I hate fucking Americans. I hate fucking Americans. Americans are a dick. And someone will say, do you are you, correct? You don't like Americans? Yes. Come tonight to the Bronx.

To 8, 8, 8 to say. That's a very good accent. Come tonight. Come tonight. And you go to the Bronx. I have a very good voice on this room. Or get there and they're building fucking bombs.

How can I trust you, my friend? You know, and now you're an agent. You're in there making bombs with them. You're doing the whole thing. You're walking step by step. In fact, you can, you can. closer to him by offering stuff. I have your friend.

He works at Nassau. He steals the country. He just bab boom. You know, the whole time. Now you're close to him. I'd be honest with you. I would cast you in that role, bro. So boom, there you have it. Next thing you know, you're arresting them when they go to blow up the car in Times Square. One of the other things. That's a different. That's entrapment, but you're doing something for the U.S.

Entrapment with blowers, yeah, me coming to you and go and listen, I know where they get 10 pounds. of Coke for $18,000. Would you legalize Blow? No. You wouldn't? No. Why? Look at these morons walking around,

just smoking reefer. Yeah. They're just smoking reef and they're walking around like fucking Momo's. Can you imagine? But don't people who want to do Blow?

Do Blow anyway? It's pretty easy to get. No, it's pretty easy to get. Wasn't it you that said to me and then? What do you think about the tax they're adding to sow this? No, that wasn't me.

Well, I'm adding 30 cents extra to a gallon of soda. Yeah, less. cocaine was 100 a gram. Look where it got him. Pablo Escobar is one of the richest men in the world. Not because he sells cocaine for 20 a gram, but 100 a grand.

I always say that cocaine was the biggest marketing genius of our time. Nobody saw it coming, nobody, because everything was $5.00. It's an ass for $4.00. You get a nickel bag of weed. Heroin was $10. Angel Dust was $5. Everything was $5.

Also on some fucking... The thing is, like, heroin, heroin, you can be an addict. you can be a heroin addict for 20 years before it devastates your life. You can be an alcoholic for 30 years before you lose everything. Blow is hard to keep going

for a long time. Blow can tend to be pretty devastating pretty quickly. Like if you're doing blow all the time, I would imagine you got a three, four year window before the shit really hits the fan. What do you say? Like it's pretty, it's hard to do much else when you're wired all the time.

The only thing I have, whatever with you, the only disagreement I have with you is if you do heroin for 20 years you have no repercussions when you have any addiction any addiction every day you're not giving life you're all no doubt and I know this from my marriage now

and my marriage before but let's take a look at the fucking test first time I did a blast of blow was October 79 a month before my mother died then I held it off until maybe December I started doing a bump here a bump there and then once the 80s came I just went I was doing everything.

Acid, blow, whatever. But it was basically acid. I didn't get into Coke until maybe the winter of 80, 81. And that's when blow was everywhere. You see for weed stores now, and I was grown right with it. Why? Because people didn't really know how devastating it was in, like, 81. It was kind of still.

No, it was still a marketing employee that it was what rich people did. Yeah. Classy drug, right? Cocaine, when you go to last night, I went to the comedy store. and tell him the lineup that we saw. Neil Brennan, Sarah Silverman, who else went up? Joe Rogan? He didn't go up.

Gerard was there after you. Oh, David Spade was there. David Spade. I mean, you get these people. As a comedian, when you walk into that room, you get elevated. Yeah. You get elevated as a comic.

When you did cocaine, it elevated you to the next level. When you walked out of that bathroom and everybody looked at you. I mean, fuck. Brett, fuck Brad Pitt. Yeah. That motherfucker came out of the bathroom snorting big time with two blondes. Yeah. That's the dude I want to hang with.

Fuck Brad Pitt. That guy's a lot more fun. Yeah. And girls want to fuck you. It was amazing. It made you a different person at that day. You went to a bar and everybody wanted to talk to you and asked you, how is it? And the cops weren't coming down on that shit then as much.

Yeah. They didn't know. Nobody really knew what was going to happen. I kept that addiction going full to 80s. and by the time I quit in 85 I was fucked up. Yeah, they said that the music renaissance that went on in the 60s and then carried over to the 70s with all these great rock and roll bands. And then what happened was they stopped drinking and smoking weed

and they got into blow and they got into heroin. And that killed the music. The moms and the poppas and all that, you know, there was that, I think it was a Haydashbury Festival, that Monterey Rock and Roll Festival. And it just ended up killing guys like, you know, Hendricks and Janice Joplin and Jim Morrison. Well, wasn't, weren't all like the great 70s musicians on heroin? Well, they, a lot of them were because that, according to, I think with Stanley Crouch was talking about the fact that a lot of those 70s musicians, their heroes were the black blues singers.

And, like muddy waters and those people. And a lot of those dudes had drug issues. Now, there was a difference. If you had a black man in the 40s, 50, 60s who was doing heroin like Bird was, like Charlie Parker was. Well, you know, that was because, or Billy Holiday, that was because they were, there was a lot of things going on. But you were black, there was a lot of survival guilt. you were trying to overcome something called institutionalized racism. So there were a lot of pressures.

There was a lot of shit that went on when you were a black, and you couldn't vote and you were a second class citizen, et cetera, et cetera. We don't have to go into it. But then you had a bunch of middle class kids who were musically talented. Their heroes were all drug addicts. There was something very cool about that. So what you had is people like Janice Joplin and you had Jim Morrison. and they were talking like their heroes.

Hey, man, you know, you cats are all, you know, you could hear them, but they weren't doing it very well. It was very, if you actually listen to them talk, they weren't so cool. They weren't like, you know, the old-time jazz musicians. And they were subscribing to a drug problem. They gave themselves a drug problem. So there was a difference in terms of, according to, like, you know,

certain people that were talking about it. There's a difference between trying to overcome something, like oppression, and then subscribing to, to something because you want to be cool and giving yourself a drug problem. Now, by the way, there's another question to that, which is when you start doing blow, that shit feels really good.

And some people just can't stop because they're wired that way. But one of the largest, there's a guy named Nick Ken who wrote a book called The Dark Stuff. And he was a rock and roll journalist. And he documents in the book how many talented motherfuckers like Lou Reed basically burned their talent out with the wrong drugs.

It wasn't the weed. It was not even the booze. It was the fucking blow and the heroin. And it wasn't the acid. It was the blow and the heroin that destroyed so many talented musicians. And killed them. It's a different angle.

It's a different, it feeds into somewhere different in your heart and your soul. When you do Coke, the final result is you're by yourself. Tony Montana died by himself. Yeah. You're a fucking room.

Yeah. It doesn't make you a fun person to be around. No, no. And it goes, the first three years, you're getting your dick sucked. There's people over, you're dancing. We're counting. I love you, dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, oh, my God, we call each other. What are we doing? Nothing. Let's meet in the bathroom. Do a black, you know. It's a fun drug. And then you start pulling away. Yeah.

And you start pulling away. Like when I watch the movie about porn with Marky Warbur. when he goes to the spider mic. Yeah, Boogie nights. Boogie nights when he goes to the guy's house. And that guy's got the Chinese guy. Yeah, man. You know how many...

He's throwing firecrackers. Do you know how many places? I went to at 4 in the morning at the cop. Or a guy came out and we talked to you. And meanwhile, he would open the door for 15 minutes and he'd have, like, you know, his brother and some other guy fucking a 16-year-old girl in there. And you're waiting to get a half-ounce of coke.

And he's talking to you, hang out for five. You want a piece of ass? She's 16. We just picked her up. Jesus. You know, when you're sitting there, you know, when you start doing blow, what you want to do is go do blow and get your dick stuck.

Now you're at this fucking guy's house who's got a 16-year-old girl coked up back there and three guys are fucking and shooting pictures with it. Do you know what that feels like? You know what it feels like the... I was in Beaumont, Texas one time. I called this guy at 3 in the morning.

He picked me up. He goes, I got to take it to a fucked up neighborhood. And we went back there and they were fucking, those dog and fucking chicken things where they were fighting. Yeah. You know, and I remember, you know, it was fucking three in the morning. And there was 150 Mexicans there gambling and shit. And did you realize it then that you hated it? Or was it just the drugs and looking back on you?

Like, fuck, that was fucked up. It's fucked up. You know, not so long ago, we were doing a podcast at four in the morning, you and I, six of the morning. And I went over to that 7-Eleven on Coenga. And there were two guys. and the one guy was pimping a girl out to another guy for drug money. And this is at the 7.11. And I'm watching this.

And it brought me back to many of years where I was just, all I want to do is get a gram a blow, Brian. That's all I'm saying. Well, sit down, man. This girl's going to suck our dicks. You got to watch. What the fuck are you talking about? You know, you know what?

Lee Kuan Yew, who is the longtime Prime Minister of Singapore, realized that Singapore was in the Golden Triangle. It was, there was Burma, there was, you know, There was all, all the opium was surrounding Singapore. And Li Kuan Yew was like, you know, here's the thing, man. I want this country to be a first world country. This was a, it was a really hot, swampy part of the world. And he said, all right, here's how it's going to go.

No doubt that everybody's going to start doing drugs. We're going to have a drug problem because it's so easy to get. So he goes, all right, if you're caught, if you're caught bringing drugs into this country, I don't care who you are. I don't care what country you're from. You're going to hang. You will hang. And there won't be a jury.

There will be a judge that will look at the evidence. You hang. And you hang quick. And there are so many stories of like Australian hitchhikers or backpackers come in. They got a bunch of opium that they wanted to sell in the States. And they were going to come to Singapore. They hung. The Kenyan grandmother who's selling blankets and trying to sell drugs as well,

she hangs and they were like to lique on you they said charlie rose said look man you know you didn't there's no jury or anything and he said no they hang they said but you know that seems so inhumane he said does it we'd hang maybe four maybe five people a year how many lives are ruined in your country from drugs how many children are homeless how many children are orphaned and he went through all the stats and i got to say man i was like i was like damn the dude has a point man that if you're you're you You've only got to hang five people and a whole bunch of children have a home. I mean, you know, look, I believe in freedom, so it's a difficult thing. And I think drugs probably should be legal personally because I'm a libertarian.

But it was really interesting to hear a benevolent dictator, which is exactly what he was, kind of talk and make a case. And I was like, well, I don't know, I can see, I can definitely see, I can definitely see where he's coming from. If it's a small country like that, I don't know. I saw a headline today that just, just, just, Weed being legal here in Denver and Oregon, it's killing Mexican cartels. Like, their profits are way down. Well, weed should be legal, first of all.

Yeah, of course. The idea that weed's not legal and alcohol is is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. It's an old argument. But, I mean, you get punched in the face by a fucking alcoholic. You're not getting punched in the face by somebody who smokes weed all the time. That's true. But my mom back in Boston is in her mid-50s. And when I tell her I smoke weed, she doesn't see a difference between that and heroin.

That's because she's been brainwashed by a movement that started a long time ago. You know, that was ignorant. It was reaper madness. It was, you know, hemp is bad, all that stuff. I mean, you know, it's a classic example of a misinformation campaign. But I think if you went to them... And we put people in jail and ruin lives because of that stuff. And I think it's bullshit.

Well, I think if you went to them and said, listen, it's going to get rid of the cartels. I kind of agree with you, Joey, about legalizing, like, harder stuff, like heroin and coke, that seems like kind of dangerous. But for like smaller stuff, I think it gets rid of some of the evil. Listen, I had a couple problems. I know I know drug addiction from a couple angles. I know drug addiction from the numbing of pain.

I know drug addiction from the excitement level. I don't like fucking working on movies, Burnt County. Okay? I fucking hate working on a movie. I don't give a fucking Jesus isn't a fucking movie. My dick gets hard when I go to the audition. I'm right with you, baby.

When I go to the audition, I see three guys of the actors, and I'm a fucking bummed and learn how to act at the comedy store. And I go in there and smoke them. That's it. When they call me, they go do a wardrobe. I'm like, oh, this sucks. Dick. The same thing.

You know how you make an actor miserable? Give them a job. Give them a job. The same thing with blow. My whole thing with the blow wasn't doing the blow. It was coping it. Oh, yeah? It was the heartbeat.

It was walking into that dark building, knowing nobody's going to fuck with me. walking past three black guys at the door that both of the years would go. I don't know if I'm walking in that building. Guess what? I'm walking that building. And I'd walk to the second floor

and knock on the door, go in there, sit down and do a blast, talk to them a little bit, and walk back out. That's what made my dick hard. Getting back in the car and going back over the jersey. Just the danger.

Just the whole thing. Just the whole thing. I was talking to somebody that was asking me about prison. They said, when you were locked up, but did you have an affiliation? Whenever we see people, they always have an affiliation.

Right. I never had an affiliation. I always sleithed my way through it. I was like a snake. But I knew how to... You didn't gang up or any of that shit. No, I knew how to satisfy people's needs. It's either money or you hook them up in one way or the other.

Were you in federal or Penn? I was in state. I was in state. Oh, shit, that's no joke. So there's a way to weasel your way through life. People, you know, we have a podcast that's independent. everybody is pretty much mugged up with somebody. We're pretty much independent.

You know, one person has asked us to create a monopoly. I'm like, no. But it's still the same fucking point. I've never been associated with nobody. But I had black guys that had my back. I had a couple white dudes that had my back. I had a couple Italian guys. I had a couple Mexican guys.

So it all worked out because I worked in the kitchen. I was the stock clerk. So I had keys to a room that was off base. So you could get people stuff. I had steroids in there. I held stuff. So if you came to me and said, I got a pound of heroin, put it under the rice. Wow.

Then everyone had the dogs up there. It was like a known business. Everybody knew you didn't bring the dogs to the fucking storage. Because everybody's getting the cut. Because the storage clerk runs the shit. So I would have to- How'd you get that gig? We had a driver's license.

The guy got revoked. And I moved right in. I almost blew up the kitchen. They wanted me to make cinnamon buns. I was not a baker, but they made me a baker. I did not a fucking bake. And I was making these things, and they came out like flying sauces,

and the kitchen almost blew up. So the guy, I'm like, I want to quit. Because they hired you, that's the first thing they ask you. Did you get hepatitis or whatever? You got hepatitis? No, go talk to him. They got jobs in the kitchen for you. So he looked at me, goes, he was like a baker.

Mr. Dyer. So he made me a baker. When I failed as a baker, He gave me a different job, like a dishwasher slash something. You eat better too, right? Yeah, you get the top shit off the shell. But I had a driver's license. So they made me a stock clerk combination.

Pick the guys that you see picking up garbage. I'm the one that would take the garbage back to the jail, okay, to the camp George West. So what I would do is if you ever need anything, just take a mile walking the side of the house. of a road. Excuse me. You'd be very surprised

what you find. You know many people buy a gram of Coke do two bumps and get paranoid and throw the Coke out the window. So these guys would find wallets and money

and drugs constantly they found drugs. On the side of the road? On the side of the road. Where? Just on the highway? When you're driving, yeah, just on the side of the road. I remember 15 years ago

a comic came into the store from another state and I came in with his name Carrie's son. And he called me, he's like, hey, man, we worked together. You said if I was never like, can you hook me up? And I go, sure, he goes, can you get me an eight ball? And I go, yeah, where are you standing?

He told me where he was standing. Oh, you're right, a couple blocks from Uncle Padra. I'll meet you there. Nice kid. He was like a feet track, him, and his wife fed me. There goes that career. Hysterical. He bought the eight ball at like 9.30 at night, and I went home.

Do this guy call me at like 11 o'clock? Fucked up. And he's like, hey, man, you got to pick me up. I need another eight ball. I said, I just gave you. He goes, it's a long story. And he did two bumps of the old compadre, and he got so paranoid, he threw it over a fucking fence.

So he goes, I need it now. I need to. I get you another one. I got him another one. He spent 500 bucks one night. Unbelievable. And he called me again. He goes, I dumped it.

He used to get paranoid. And dump it. He dumped it. So when you were driving, did you have a guard in the van with you or the truck? No. So I would pick up the garbage, so the guys would go,

Joey, I'll hide this. So I'd put it under the garbage, so I would find, like, ounce of a bag of weed with a little weed and tore papers let's say it got fucking blood on it or water it doesn't matter they would find little coke bottles

that were sealed you know and they would bring them in because they got searched so did any do you ever try to escape or run away or why would I? Because you had a van I don't know if I wasn't prison I had a van I don't fucking escape that's no one you're never going to stop running and then they're never going to give you that thing they're never going to give you that trust again

when you get revoked from middle level they'll put you in high security if you're not because you try to do stay. That sucks, right? That sucks. So wait, so you were at mid-level? Right, because when you get classified, they classify you by a lot of things. Most importantly is where you're working at the time of your arrest,

what you got arrested for, you have a high school diploma, do you have a driver's license, you know, there's like seven or eight variables where you go into school, so when, as soon as I got sentenced, even if they gave me four years, I was eligible already for a halfway house because of my numbers.

I was like a minus one. So when you got murderers and rapists and all that shit, like those gangs, those white Aryans and all that, those guys are in their own area? They're in their own block? They have their own little areas. Like, for example, let's say that the guys that hate fucking black people and Chinese people, whatever they are, the Aryans, right?

They had a couple of aliens. I didn't get along with it. But there was one dude, John Clark, that was my motherfucker's motherfucker. Really? He was tatted up. This guy was 6'4, not in the best shape of his life

like he had been throughout. But he'd light you up. And everybody knew he would light you out. He liked me and I liked him. And he was from Philly, and we played ball together. He's the first person that really started giving me meth. He would smuggle meth on Mondays.

And we'd have to leave the facility at night to go to another place to play basketball. So we'd get high. Me and him would do a couple lines of fucking speed. How did he get meth? They throw tennis balls on those balls. Yeah, they'd have to play a ball. bunch of things. So that was my, he was my one motherfucker.

And then in the kitchen, I became a friend with a murderer. His name was Spencer Antoine. He's probably dead now. I've been fucking Facebooking him and Googling him and everything. Can't find him. Murdered. That guy just called out murdered somebody. He was going to murder somebody at the camp. This guy did not play around. This guy did not play around. He had like a cocky. He was from New Orleans. He was from across the fucking way from New Orleans. He was, New Orleans has a big motherfucker.

A long history of murder. And he had murdered somebody before and voluntary, and this was the second one. Yeah. But he paid this motherfucking attorney and shit, and I got him off and shit. And he used to, his name was chicken, chicken hawk, Anton Spencer, chicken hawk.

But he would always ask me, Cuba, what time it is? Cuba, what time it is? What time it is? What time it is. I always remember. And he worked in the kitchen with you? He worked in the kitchen. He was tight with the guy that ran the kitchen.

And there was this big dude from Buffer. on him, Etchy, and he had my back. So I had the black dudes. And then I had a crazy white dude that worked in the library. Damn. He had murdered his wife and her boyfriend that were cheating on him. Shit. And he worked in the library.

This guy was maybe five foot six, very non-assuming. Yeah. But I knew if this shit came down. He didn't say, talk to anybody, but I would do asses with him. Wow. He didn't talk to anybody. But I would trip with him. And he'd have the keys to the library.

and we go and then he'd show me books and shit he was the one that told me you're getting to stand-up comedy. Really? Yeah, so I had and then I had this Mexican duo in there that was an uncle nephew team that were in there and the nephew was a fucking jack-off but the uncle was a little older and he had a burrito

business so I told him I'd help him with the fucking burrito business. He had tremendous burritos green chili and mashed potatoes. In prison he had burritos? Yeah they could get him smuggled in it. I'm gonna tell you something that a lot of people don't know about me. And here you go, I don't know how many people listen to the podcast. Would you go see me on stage and say? I told the word faggot around.

And I've never really had a gay guy come up to me and say anything, but I could see when they shake my hand afterward, and I feel a little insecure. But I'm going to tell you some, I've earned that right. And I've never told nobody's story, not because I never told it, because I never remembered it. When I got to that place,

the place that you didn't hang out with was the AIDS unit. AIDS was brand new. Nobody knew about AIDS. It was 85 when... Yeah, man. People didn't know if you could get it from like tears. I remember it well. So when I got sentenced to prison,

after you settled down, the first place I went to had an agent, and they had five guys in that age unit. They had a black guy who was gay, and he was dying. He was just losing hair already. They died. They died in a bad way. Before they had those protease neighbors and shit. Then they had a black dude that was like a player,

type that he had it from shooting hair on. There was a Mexican dude that looked just like machete. There was a white dude. And that was it, five of them. And they had their own refrigerator, their own kitchen, they had their own area. And when I got there, the bookie that I teamed up with,

he used to do business with them. Like, he'd get them extra shit, like medication or whatever. And he told me, goes, those people, good people, and the rest of these motherfuckers who were criminal pieces of shit, they treat these guys. like shit. So guess what I did one day?

I walked into that fucking age you. Took care of them? No mask, no nothing. No, they walked around. There was nobody sick in there. There was one guy that slept kind of all day. But the rest of them play cards and threw dice and listen to rap music and fucking Bobby Brown.

And I became their friend. And I brought a kid in there from Cleveland, another Italian kid, those Mexican dudes. And pretty soon these AIDS guys had a fucking family. Yeah. You know, and I didn't judge him. I knew like one or two of them might have been gay. One of them kept saying he got it from the needle.

But I didn't judge him. I just remembered like that I was in prison, and I felt so bad for what I had done, I wanted to do something good. And I started thinking about how I felt sometimes, being Cuban when I came from Cuba, and people stayed a fuck away from you. Stigmatized. Stigmatized. So I went against my grain, and I hung out with these HIV guys.

And I got to tell you something, man. I never talked about this. I always thought the hardest thing about getting locked up was the holidays. And those guys made my holidays. Because they cooked. That fucking kitchen looked like better than American kitchen. Because all these AIDS guys had families. And all of us had families.

And we just pooled all our food together. You couldn't believe it. You fucking couldn't believe it. There was nachos. We're in prison. We're in fucking prison. There was little shrimp cocktails. And we're not the mafia.

You know, we're just ain't good fellas. No, ain't good fellows. Where they got steak. Slicing the garlic with the risen garlic. Oh, my God. But I remember we had chips and the two TVs going, and that was the first season of love and marriage. Yeah, yeah.

So we would watch that on Sunday nights. So in a way, like your prison memories, in a way, are nice. I mean, are not all bad. So for all these motherfuckers who say, oh, you're a sexist, you're a homo-fucking. Listen, I was hanging out with his motherfuckers. What? And then... Back in the day before you were born.

Let me say so. I was hanging out with HIV motherfuckers in 88, bitches, with no mask and no gloves. Well, here's what I have to say. Just with my heart. I mean, I was talking about this with the PC Army when Artie Lang made his comments about, you know, carry champion or whatever. Look, Artie Lang is a really good person. Artie Lang is a, is not a racist. Artie Lang would, it doesn't have a racist bone in his body.

He's not any such a good person. And yeah, his jokes were rough and maybe they were clumsy. But I know for a fact that guy wouldn't want to hurt anybody's feeling, including that girl, Carrie champion, I think her name is. And I always feel like whenever the PC Army points their guns at a guy like that or Alec Baldwin for calling somebody a cocksucker, Alec Baldwin called this guy a cocksucker, a paparazzi guy, and the gay, the gay mafia, whoever they were, the extremists, basically came after him and said, you're a homophobe.

No, he's not. No, he's not. And when they attack, when they attack people like Al Baldwin or Ardenang, that you're attacking the wrong dudes, man. Point your gun somewhere else. You know, those guys are on your side. You know, and for me,

it's like most of the people that I know, that I hang with, that I really know and that are friends of mine, you know, and people like yourself, you're not a prejudiced person. You don't, you're not. You're not. You know, I know very few people

who are, If you're that guy who just is dumb enough to just judge somebody on their sexuality or their, you're a fucking a-hole anyway. I'm not going to hang with you. And more importantly, you're probably a dummy. So, you know, I just feel like every time we live in such a politically correct world and you've got to be so fucking careful about what you say, who what's his name who got suspended for two weeks from ESPN for saying that such and such to dress her age. Oh, that's sexist.

Shut the fuck up. Shut up! We're so precious about the way we speak. People are censoring the way we speak. These gay laws on campus, are you fucking, I mean, rape laws on campus. They're trying to get people to have verbal consent. You've got to say yes. If you don't say yes and you just have sex, you could accuse the guy of rape. Talk about an infringement on freedom. You're just jumping in there. Look, nobody's fucking pro-rape. You're not doing anything to stop rape when you pass laws like that. You're just in front. infringing on freedom. You're just fucking up my fucking heart on. That's what the fuck you're doing. Right.

Because any good pink nose, a freak wants to get her hair pulled and tackled in the shit. Sometimes in the way down, you forget to ask the freak. Do you mind if I stick it in your armpit and shit? Thank you. It doesn't make you a fucking rapist.

It doesn't make your fucking rapist. Sometimes you get the animal attraction. So I'm going to stop in the middle of my head. It's bad enough you got to wear a fucking condom because your daughter might have fucking chlamydia and she fucked 10 dead football players. Not that that's stopping me. No, I can't eat a fuck as a nut.

Yeah, you like... Now as a kid, I used to fucking roll the dice. I'd be like, yeah-hah! Here goes nothing. Oh, my God. Were you a condom wearing a month? Not me. I never wore a condom when I was.

No, I'm sitting a bad example. When I was 16, 17, this girl wanted to suck my dick one night, and I ran from her. I thought it was disgusting. I just thought all that shit was the... No, condoms are fucking disgusting. I'd rather get a fucking... I'd rather get something and take a shot. Exactly.

I could stop. Especially when you do blow, your dick is dead. Right. So you got to put a condom on when your dick is this. You got to pull over your dick and they got to tickle it and suck it. Then it's going to grow into the condom. I don't have that type of time. If you got something.

I don't have that type of time. If you got something, it looks like we both got it. Fuck it. Let's just take a chance. Columbus did. I had a couple things. I had some leakage and shit. I had some crabs.

That's like my buddy. My buddy goes, he's a comic and I'll tell you his name later. No, I don't know. No, no. Not now. Not now. But he's great. He goes, I go, he never used a condom.

I go, you ever get a clap or anything? I mean, I've had some leakage. I go, the fuck do you think that is, bro? What do you mean leakage? He's like 45. I'm like, pick up a medical book. I remember I was dating this girl for a while, and I had like some weird leakage. I didn't know what the fuck it was, but I was going to tell nobody.

And when I was coked up to the gills, I was ready to eat a monkey. And she had leakage, and it was dry. Oh, boy. I just brushed that little dust away, and I got in there like a salmon. I'll be a pussy. It's just a little. Yeah, whatever. Just some fucking juice.

Take a Z pack, you course. You drink a fucking orange juice. The freshly squeezed your back and some wheatgrass. Yeah. Now they got that penicillin resistant, that antibiotic resistant gonorrhea. That can be a problem. That's hard to get rid of. No, I don't want none of that shit.

Listen, I don't want none of that shit. I don't know these people go to these massage parlors. I would love to fucking just go to like a massage bottle for them to rub your shoulders for maybe two seconds. Then for them to squirt on their faces. Right down. Or with a cellophane on your dick. of these horrendous stories of people doing some crazy shit right here on the street here all over the valley all over the place i would love to be able to do something like that i am paranoid

to the hill because i don't want to get involved i don't know if there's cameras in those rooms i don't know what the fucks is going to yes there's cameras i don't know what to expect i don't even know if it's a setup that's what i worry about i go in there and see either way my mind works is i go in there and they got they they're to set up and gas comes out of the fence and I'm next thing I know I'm tied up to Iraq and they're like yeah we got another college co-ed you fucking gimp and that's it for me that's my fantasy I mean that's my mirror my fear my fear would you do it like when we had the guy from the bunny ranch in I know everyone gets tested there so you have a better chance there of not getting something than you do out in like the

real world but even like even that would still scare me even though I know they're tested just knowing that they do that with so many people that chick they called in and says she'll lick your nuts sack, right? And your asshole. Let's say you're in the heat of sex with that chick. You're going to swap spit with her, whether she gets tested than that. Two hours ago, she had her fucking tongue deep. Well, no, yeah, if you've gone that far, yeah.

So if you swap and spit with it, you're going to swap and spit with it, you're going to swap spit one and I think that she had a tongue up somebody's ass two hours ago. Well, no, but if I, but if you make the decision to have sex with them, you basically have given, like you say, fuck that. So if the bunny rants, there's no, no, you have to wear condoms there. But I'm just saying they get tested, but because when they came in, You've been to the bunny ranch? No, but I was single for like a year and a half when I moved here.

And when they came in, I kept thinking, God, that would have been nice when I was single for that long. But, like, even though I know they get tested, it's still something in my brain, like anyone who has sex. And it's kind of a sexist thing, too, because any guy who has sex that much doesn't bother me at all. See, my problem with all that stuff is that I just don't want to be a dollar bill. That's why I don't like strip clubs.

Yeah, I don't. I just, you know, man. going in there and it's a transaction I just I don't know it never really did it for me never really gets me going I'd rather I want the girl to like me a little bit But you said you dated strippers right?

Yeah but they you know that was all crazy and passionate and nutty and believe me there were no comments being used It's amazing You have a fantasy of dating a stripper? No no I had a four year I had a four year run

with a stripper and it was one of the worst experiences in my life I ended up in jail twice I lost my clothes And I loved it. I can't lie to you and tell you, I love the drug. The juice. The juice.

And the, you know, the thing. And then one day we both looked at each other. I'm like, I'm not doing this. I want to be a comic bitch. See you. You know, see you. You know, see, I want to be a comedian, you know. I look back on my life sometimes, and I think to myself,

there were a lot of people. I wish I had deleted from my life because I would have gotten a lot of shit done. Like, I wasted a lot of time trying to take care of people, dealing with their energy. Maybe I was working. something out. I don't know. I mean, I always I try to do it too much, but I do think about what I would do differently if

I went back to being 30 or 25. I don't know. I did a lot of way. Tell me what you would do differently. My stuff is going to sound really weird. I mean, there's no question I would have been, I would have continued to have been a stand-up comic. I think I would have done stand-up.

I took a long time off. First of all, I took like eight, nine years off. I would not have done that. And then I would have kept doing it because I love it so much. And I was trying to be an actor and I look back on it and I realized that what I like more than saying somebody else's words and wearing somebody else's clothing is writing my own shit and having that experience on stage. There's nothing like stand-up, in my opinion. Well, there's nothing like communicating in the audience. Then I probably would have boxed earlier and I probably would have done stuff like that.

But there's not a lot I would change. I think about stupid things I buy in real estate in Venice When would have gotten married at what age? I think I did that right. I took my time. When did you get married? 40.

It's not bad. Yeah. That's okay. Because I just was tired of myself. I was the center of my own universe, so I wanted children. Because I don't know. I was looking at my nephews

and I thought to myself, you know, I could easily die right now and I would die for these kids because they're more important than I am. Like I really, really meant that. I remember I was like, the fuck, it doesn't matter. And I was like, and then I was becoming particular and peculiar about my tastes. I was becoming very self-involved about how I had to have my pizza, how I had to have my fucking coffee.

And I didn't like that person. I don't want to be that fucking, that anal in particular about my own appetites. I'm fucking to fucking hate people like that. I want to be a little sloppy. I don't like having shit. I don't like, like, I don't even like being that guarded about my own ambition. I don't. I just, I just would, I don't know.

I don't even know how to explain how I feel, but having children for me is a relief. I love those little kids. And I like that they put me in a position of service, of giving as opposed to taking. Because that's what I was for a long time. I was the center of my own universe. Very easy for a comic to be that way or someone like me anyway. And I was a taker, man. But then I started finding myself giving to shitty causes,

like dating an addict and trying to fix her. And a psychologist, I was friends that said, bro, you have a deep need to help. I had birds and dogs. You have a need to nurture and help. You're doing it in the wrong way, man. You're buying fucking macaws. McCalls live 125 years

They'll shred your furniture They cost $3,000 The dumbest shit in the world They make more noise I was being sued by my neighbors You're bringing in girls Who, you know, have track marks What the fuck are you doing

Either get involved in a real charity Or have children And, you know, I listened So You know, it's People say movies and movies or whatever But we We learn from movies

We see different things You see, what's the movie with Andy Garcia and Richard Gere? Internal Affairs. At the end of Internal Affairs, at the end of internal affairs, where does Richard Gier say as he's done? Yes, great. Don't have kids, you know? And it's, I had a kid at 20-something.

I loved that child, you know, somewhere along the line, everything got fucked up, and we don't talk. We haven't talked in about 10 years. It's a painful situation, but at the same time, it's about somebody trying to show a big addiction to somebody. I got a second chance And I gotta tell you something And this is the weirdest thing I've ever said to anybody

Once you have a child You just don't give a fuck What used to When people come over to you, you're not going to believe Sarah fell off the wagon, let that bitch die It's got nothing to do with me You know, it's like, you just lost 80% of luggage because

Nothing matters And all of a sudden you're like, I wish I was like this at 20 because I see this which I saw a lot of those things. You know, I saw a lot of those different things. But now, when I say it on stage, I never gave a fuck. But now I really don't give a fuck. Like, I really don't give a Frenchman's fuck.

I care about her and my wife. My wife is happy. There's this gas in the car and there's food in the refrigerator. That's what I give a fuck about. Anything else you're talking about? I have no idea. Legalizing marijuana for blind kids so I can play the drums. Listen, I'll give you $3.

You know what I'm saying? I'll buy a T-shirt. I don't know what to tell you. You know, people hit me up all the time for shit. They don't understand your time when you have children. They don't understand. My buddy just left me a mess. I don't see you.

When I have time, when I have time, I'm spending time with the kids. Because I can't make a schedule with Lee. Last week, Lee and I were supposed to get together for three days. We finally got together because I don't know what moved the child's going to be in that morning. I don't know if the baby says in the call. I'm not going to make it today. Every day is a new third. fucking adventure and you want me to be

fucking on your team to sell weed you know to legalize weed to put an ad together what are you fucking talking about I barely have time to write jokes that's why I go on the road to write yep because it's three days of solitude with a cup of coffee the TV off and you fucking write in

a computer or writing in a notebook I don't get pieces I don't know when she's going to kick the door down and go you know what the fuck is on the computer what are you watching and I got to stop what you're doing they don't give a fuck about Twitter or my space or they don't give a fuck you gotta sit them down and stop what you're doing and fucking put whatever they want to watch on YouTube whatever the ABCs or or simple

songs it changes after the jih Tijuana 11 Beverly Hills that means I have to leave the valley at 10 I get her out of the house at 815 you tell a kid at 930 on a swing we gotta go home because daddy has to go to Jiu Jitza good luck I understand then they're calling you what happened to you today you told me you were coming. I got a two-year-old that fucking Trumples everything. Yeah. Trumps everything.

That's just the way it is. You know, tomorrow morning I have to leave before she even knows what the fuck's going on. I got to leave at 8 in the morning before she even knows what's going on. You know, there's jih Tzu at night, Joey. Why don't you go at night? You try walking out in front of a fucking three-year-old with a bag. Go ahead. I dare you.

I day you. It's not going to work. So you lose all these different aspects And you have to reschedule you There's so much learning There's so much learning And reprogramming and what you used to do I've learned a lot about men and women

Watching my son and my daughter interact Because my son is a destroyer My daughter is a lover My daughter will build an entire Like doll house out of Lego And she's got a little animals And little babies that she's feeding And it's a whole city

And my son comes in and he's like How fuck is this You got a whole city here for no reason? He's, apparently you haven't heard of Godzilla! He fucking just destroys it. She's like, ah! Like, why can I understand?

You know, it's just funny. Like, I have so much sympathy for my son because I understand him as a boy. He's a linear. My daughter's got 15 different emotional levels. You watch. Like, she's six now. Try figuring that shit out.

She, you never know how her brain works. It's just a different machine. My son is linear. Tired, angry, hungry. I got you. I got it all. I see it right there. I can read.

that kid like a book. My daughter is a maze, a maze, man. It's incredible. Just an emotional creature. What do you think leave one other edible? No, I don't. But you were saying like you would have not taken that break?

No, guys, I'm high, so I was thinking about it. Like, I'm not really, I'm not that spiritual. I'm not religious. But I kind of do believe that, because I thought about it before. Would I change anything? Go back and redo high school and focus more and then go to Harvard. I'm pretty happy where I am right now.

Well, that's a good point. I mean, look, look, I am my mistakes, and I'll tell you something that I really like to think about. Most of what is important as I get older, I guess if I could give myself advice, if I could go back and give myself advice, I'd probably say this to myself, hey, learn what not to think about. There is a law of subtraction. Learning how to think is really a process of deletion. We spend a lot of time thinking and indulging mentally in. Areas and spaces that are not helpful to us. We stress, we worry.

It's bullshit. It's unproductive. You've got to learn how it's better to learn what not to think about. Instead of making a to-do list, make a not-to-do list. You'd be amazed at how much shit you do that ensures your own failure. It's really important. That's what I would say to myself if I was 20 again. I'd be like, hey, hey, don't waste your time with this bullshit.

But do you think someone can actually follow that? advice without going through it because I lost weight last year juice and I lost a ton of weight and I gained it all back and now I'm doing it working out and being healthy and I feel like since I've learned I've gone through that stuff. I would say that is a different I think that's a different topic and that topic is this human beings are always running from pleasure and away from running toward pleasure and away from pain I think that's how you can break somebody down there's something about eating certain foods that you find more pleasurable than you do painful although the result can be more painful so I think that the way you deal with addiction

personally or you deal with food issues or whatever it might be is you've got to start to feel the pleasure of eating in a healthy way and the feeling it gives you versus this other feeling you've been so used to for so long. I think that's the best way to deal with that shit.

They're coming for me, Joe. They're coming for me. Oh, you do? Every time I hear a fucking signal, I always think of what I did today. Every time I hear a fucking, let me give some shout out to you, get the party started. my main man

Jew established 1981 I want to thank you for drawing the picture they're going to say it to me Mattius Tovinan Chung Kennedy

you bad motherfucker motherfucker chinaman Philip Badi Mike Lavin Benji Barrow Tony B Bad to the Bone

and Seven with cheer whatever the fuck it is a little nose hair here I got to talk to you about something

What's up with you Lee? You all right? I'm good what are you going to eat when you go home. I'm hoping nothing. This edible's kind of kicking in right now.

What are you feeling? Everything, I don't know. The sun, the moon. Yeah. No, I... And that's the thing. Like, you can't... I can't eat when I go home

because that's when the munchies get the worst. Is after you start, everything tastes amazing because you just keep going to get more. Someone is going to try to run home and hide in my bedroom or not have food. What do you got to house to eat today? I got rice cakes, got goldfish.

A couple rice cakes never killed my body. But it turns into 10 rice cakes, especially on that. You put peanut butter on this shit? Not peanut butter. Peanut butter has a lot more calories than I thought it would. Hummus? I do, but not for like a snack. That's like with dinner or something.

So you got to pull up with it. It eats hummus on fucking rice cake. It's funny. When you came in tonight, we were talking about acting. I knew you through Joe. And then I bumped into you in a 2001 acting seminar by the casting director of Sleep and Godfather 2. And he also did Donnie Brasco.

What was that fucking guy's name? You remember that guy's name? You remember that guy's name? It was in UCLA. Yeah. I saw you and I walked close to you. You were talking to two freaks. And you were in fucking mid-somebody sucking my dick seminar

because those seminars are really a dick-seller. I remember that well. That was Milton Catalysis seminar. Wasn't it? Milton. That was the one we did. But then we did the other one. Who cast Godfather 2?

Oh. John... It's an Italian last name. Yes, he's in Jersey. He grew up with Donnie Brasco. That's why he cast Donnie Brasco. He grew up with him and went to high school with him. Who cast Godfather 2 or Donnie Brasco or Sleepers?

Let me look. Shit. So we're talking about soap operas and how... Jane Feinberg, Mike Fenton, Vic Ramos? No, the casting director. Got to scroll all the way to the bottom to get the cast and director. Which movie you're watching? for Godfather 2.

That was the casting department. No, go to sleepers. Sleepers? By the way, everybody, while he's looking, I'm going to be at the Ontario Improv this weekend. Tomorrow, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Louis DiGamo? Louis DiGiamo.

There it is. Louis DiGiamos from Jersey. He cast what he cast. Sleepers, Godfather 2, Donnie Brasco. He was on fire for a while. He did love. Lou Di Jamo. Lou Di Jammal.

What about him, though? You were telling the story. What were you going to say? We went to that. What did he cast? Lee, what are you looking at all? I'm trying to find his IMDB page. Jesus Christ, I thought you had it already.

We're talking about how we went to that, whatever the fuck it was. Seminar. And how you think you're prepared for Hollywood. Like when you first move here, you take an acting class and you do different things. And we're talking about jobs that you get. Like, my first job was,

A Taco Bell commercial. Then my second job was basketball. Yeah. And I had no idea what was going on. I just kept... Then I cast Mad TV as big pussy. And then I cast... I'm going to see Will Sasser right after this.

Send him my love. Yeah, he's a good dude. And then we... I cast a bunch of shit, but you learn. Yeah. And when I first started casting, everything was high dollar production. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. Everything, CBS, I was stealing fucking wardrobe. It was tremendous. Nobody really checked your wardrobe in those days. Money everywhere. And you get these jobs, you know, like we were comparing Spider-Man 2 to like the movie I did with the director had, Paul, T. Murray, boiler maker.

You know, where you had a fight for lunch every day, and they gave you, like, one serving of bread and shit. And then you do a movie like Spider-Man 2 where you walk on the scent, you're taking a gallon of pomegranate juice to your room. And the fucking do, there's pistachios, three different flavors, jellies, there's breakfast, there's lunch. You know, it's just an amazing thing. And you learn how to maneuver your way through sets, you know.

I remember I got a job on General Hospital. And I remember leaving after the second day going, oh, my God, if I didn't have the experience I had, I would have five from that job. Because it moves so fast, like there's nobody holding your hand. When you do a movie like The Longest You Are We had Umbrella Girls that would hold. an umbrella for you under the sun. That's puff. That's a puff daddy kind of shit. So you wouldn't get a fucking sun tent. And they were all strippers from the club.

So they went to the strip club at night. So who wants to work them on for $2.50 a day? Good times. Good times, baby. You know, being a smoothie girl and shit. And then when we came up, when we shot the movie in New Mexico, it was like a paradise. When we came to Orange County and Paramount had access to us,

there was no more umbrella girls. There was no more smoothie girls. Yeah. There was no more. You know, so you learn. different things from movies and I know you've done a ton of them and you still do

low budget ones ever? I do I did one last year but I may not do any more of those. They're a fucking night man. Yeah well that yeah I mean you gotta pay me a lot nowadays because otherwise it's a waste of time and let me tell you something almost there is no such thing as a low budget movie that does a thing for your career. It just doesn't

man give me one example it's just an expensive student film and you know it's very hard to make a movie and if you're getting involved with amateurs or people haven't done it before. I don't care how much money they're thrown into the project. It's a fucking nightmare. It's going to be a waste of time. You know, I'm

focusing on podcasting and stand-up. And that's kind of what inspires me right now. People call me all the time to off me films and shit the last two, two and a half years. I feel lazy. But on the other hand, I'm not lazy. You're just wasting my time. I know

the outcome of this. That's right. I know the outcome of this. I've turned down a lot of auditions for just episodic TV stuff because it's not going to do a goddamn thing. I mean, it's got a, it's got to affect where I'm headed, you know? That's kind of what I'm. At this point, yeah. Like, I'm focusing on shooting my next special and that kind of stuff.

What are you thinking of the shooting at it? I think down at Irvine, I hope, you know. The new place. Yeah, that's why I'm doing the road so much right now, because I'm trying to tighten everything. Yeah. Because, you know, you've got to tighten it up. You know, the stuff that can be, it can work really well.

It's been great. And I had such a blast in Tempe this past weekend. by the way. Thank you, Tempe. But, you know, it's like, you've got to always figure out. Like, there's stuff that'll kill a room and stuff, but then you want to be thematic or you want to be telling a story. I don't know, man. It's a constant process.

Putting a special together is very, very hard. Yeah. Very tedious. It requires a lot of work. You have to look over your material every night. You get on stage every night. There's words that'll make a joke just hilarious, just a little word. Exactly.

Well, it's like a song, man. It's like every bit is a rhythm. There's a rhythm and a melody to it. There's a song. And when you get the perfect number of words and the perfect emphasis, that's when the bit is complete. You know what I mean? Like, it's done.

And so after a while, you get an hour of that, and you want to shoot that shit and start again. I want to get it out of there. Get it out of it. Now, you started in New York. Started in New York. Yeah. First time I ever did stand up, I think it was 1992, man.

And you gave it a break. I just wanted to be an actor. And Rogan was the one who got me back in a stand-up, really. He was like, bro, What are you doing? You know, just get into stand-up. And I was like, all right. In fact, and watching Dane Cook, too.

Like, Dane Cook at Dublin. I was like, I want to do that. He was killing me. He was really funny at the time. And I just said, I got to do that, man. I missed it. He looked like he was having so much fun. And Joe used to have so much fun.

I was like, I know I can do that. I just got to start doing it again. So it's what I am, bro. And I think you are, too. Oh, I, I've come to the realization. that you know I grew up on movies it's how I learned to speak English as a part of who I am I really enjoy watching a great fucking movie yeah but I'm to the point where I saw behind the curtain yeah and I like it to a good way to put it I like it

but I'll tell you what at the end of the day unless it's a certain thing a certain way I'm in if not pass I'd much rather go to fucking Phoenix Portland this weekend yeah I'd much rather go to Philadelphia next week I'd much rather go to Vegas. You're going to Philly? I love Philly. What do you do? Healing is great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. The city's great. I'm doing that in December, man. I can't wait. And you want to go there when it's cold. Yeah, man. You don't want to fuck around the heat in Philly with humidity. I don't know.

I go to all those cold city towns and the heat of the winter. Fuck you and all that shit. Wait until June. I go to Buffalo in January. When that motherfuckers got to go out. When you're on Rose, you're on those beef sandwich. I'll be in Boston in January. That's going to be too cold.

I went into Boston last January, and I literally was waiting for the bus outside and I was like, are you fucking kidding me? Laugh Boston? Oh, you do the Wilbur? Laughston. Oh, you do Laugh Boston? Do you do the Wilbur? No, I'm going back to Laugh.

Laughan was a good club, man. Great club and they fixed a bunch of shit. Yeah. They got complaints, but I didn't give a fuck. I thought it was a great club. They had great food. Yeah, packed it in. Nice hotel.

Nice hotel. They tried really hard. You know, comedy clubs pop and go. Some of them go. Some of them come back. Tempe's kicking ass. When was last time you did Tempe? Last year with Arne.

And I'm going back. That's the only one I work. I don't want to work because they end up, penis. It's too big for me. And Tempe is big, but it's small. Yeah. Tempe's big. Tempe, you can get it.

Plus, I got my roots in that place. I've been doing comedy and Tempe since 1990-something, you know, and then I went with Joe every year. I went by myself. It's just, you know, you have roots in these rooms. Then they want to pop up another room. People are like, well, you can make more money at the other room. It doesn't matter.

I have roots in it. I'm friends with these fucking walls. That's what I mean. I know these walls. I've been through hours. of pain through these walls. His walls know the way. I like the West Palm Beach improv too.

I love that. I love Florida, bro. I love Fort Lauderdale and I love the West Palm Beach. Ooh, I love it. How many times do you go down there twice a year? I don't. I go down once a year really usually. But man, it's always packed and I have a blast.

I have a blast. These podcasts have opened up doors for us. And the other door it opened. It let people know who we are. But also let people know what's in our heart and what's in our mind. Yeah. People aren't getting up anymore.

Unless some club only gives out 20 tickets. It's like a church group who they get up and run out. People are all in now. When they go to these shows, they know who the fuck you are. They know what you're going to talk about. They even have a direction where you want them. They want you to take them. That's right.

It's very amazing what I've learned from the podcast. I was on my way to being a good stand-up comic. This has made me better. Yeah. This podcasting has definitely made me better. Doing an edible with you twice a week. Has made me a better man. Look at the shape of you, cock-sucker.

I'm pretty good. What are you going to go eat tonight? What are you thinking about right now? If you're going to eat, fuck the diet. Tell Brian what you're doing? Fuck the diet right now. Where would you eat tonight if you could fucking... You would probably go...

No what I'd go? Burrito with french fries. I was going to go with a carneasada fries. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? You're a sucker for those things. Right over that. What do you mean? Sucker?

They're delicious. What's better than French fries with steak and guacamole with our cream? I watched that cod food special the other night, the food show, and it had fat sals. And I got to tell you something, guys, that's not for me. No. Even when I was a fat fuck and I liked that type of food, that wasn't for me. That's never been what I like. Oh, really?

An egg on a sandwich with chicken fingers and whatever. That's not for me. No. You want to put a chicken parmesan together? with a little sausage in that motherfucker and melted cheese and the sauces for flavor. That's old school.

It's a hard Italian bread. That I'm all in. First of all, they also claim something. They also said they were one of the few people or one of the first people that put French fries on their sandwiches. That's a lie.

In West New York, New Jersey, you have that fucking one Cuban place where the Yankees go. It's been there for 30 years. Georgie gets the ticket. Georgie'll take the $60 ticket because there's no water part. There's no water part.

That's just part. Take the $60 ticket. Who gives a fuck? I do the same thing. Just make sure you get 20 sandwiches. I'll get a, I will get a fucking ticket sometimes. I'm not going to deal with the park, and I'm like, you know what? It's worth it.

What's going to cost me? $65? Fuck it. It's expensive. It hurts me. I don't care. I'm not walking two miles. Just give me the fucking sandwiches.

I'll eat with the ticket in the windshield like a soldier. I got a, in fact, my meter's running out. I better run. What meter? You got no meter. No, I'm down here. The meter. What meter?

There's no meter. It's strict down here. paid the fucking lady. No, and then I got the thing I got to go to. What thing? The thing. They're waiting for me over there, the whole fucking arena. I love you, talk, suck.

I'm happy you came off. I'm happy you one time, and you were a gentleman. It was a pleasure having you. I wish to do yours the next few weeks. I can't wait. So let's live at for Thanksgiving. You are a true original. And I really appreciate that.

I'm happy you came tonight. You don't even, we'll read the ads without you in here. How's that? There you go. All right, ladies and gentlemen. Come see me in Ontario. Ontario Improv. Brian Callan, give him some love of.

You're going to be a, Portland? I will be in Portland at helium. Tickets are going fast. Don't fuck around. Tomorrow night they're showing up with fucking grenades

and chocolate bars. Some guy's showing up with two pounds of mushroom chocolate. Go see Joey Diaz. So if I was you tomorrow and you're in fucking Portland don't fuck around.

Fuck the rain. Fuck the rain jacket. Fuck a bowler. Come on down. We're going to eat some nice chocolate mushroom tomorrow. There it is. Portland.

Deez or die. Diaz or fucking die. And the week out to that, Philadelphia, you know how we do it. We ain't fucking around no more. Hey, I'll be at the American Comedy Club next weekend. Come see me there. Fucking San Diego, Ontario and San Diego.

Who's better than you? You're not taking another plane the rest of the year, right? You're not taking no more planes the rest of the year? I got to, but I'm taking a break. All right. I hate planes. Ladies and gentlemen. I love you, Cucksucker.

Love you, man. Lee Say that, what's your problem? What's my problem? Yeah, well, you're sitting there giving me the evil I fought. We still got another edible to eat. Oh, no, I'm not having any more edibles. Listen, I'm happy you guys listen tonight. What did you think, Lee?

Do you like this one time? Yeah. A little slow for you tonight. You like a little movement, don't you, cocksucker. No, it's good. Yeah, I don't know. You get me high. Well, who gives a good job?

I got to get you a little high because now the rest of the week you sit there with the woman at home. Watch on, this is great. You sit there like a fucking moot. What do you got on top this week? This week, I actually have a night by myself. She's going to like a school thing and it's only girls. So I don't know what I'm going to do Friday. What do you mean she's going to a school thing that's only girls?

What kind of shit is that? It's like a woman's, group function. For what? For Mexican women? Yeah, I think so. Really? You don't want to go crash

and see what you like Mexican women. I would go hide under the table and throw chains on the floor or something. You're a filthy little fuck-hired. Don't you take on somewhere this weekend for tamales or something like that? A cupcake class or something? No, we did sign up for another class, though. She signed up for it.

It was good, though. You'll like it. Steak class. Steak class. What do they teach you how to make? Steak, uh, duck fat potatoes. Which is a little good, some of veggies. What are you doing this?

December. I don't matter if you go, but you got to bring something back for the cat. Of course. I'm going to go. You're supposed to be family. Anyway, the church wants to the church,

the church wants to really welcome our new sponsor here. iron dragon TV.com. They're really from nanotech. They sponsor Tim Kennedy and Mike McDonald from the UFC. I mean, they're great guy. I went out with him the other night to dinner

and really interesting. And he's got this company called Iron Dragon. TV.com. And what they do is they have a Tiroku channel correctly. Right, yes. And what they have is classic kung fu movies like Tai Chi Zero, It Man Series, you know, classics like Enter the Fat Dragon, shit like that.

You guys are going to love it. They got Life of a Ninja. They got Donny Yen, they got Chow Young Fat. What we're going to do is this. You go to Iron Dragon TV.com. We want you to try it out. Let me know what you think. You go to the box and you're pressing.

Joey. All right. You get two free rentals. check it out see what they got you're gonna fucking love it you're not gonna be sorry trust me my wife already went on it she likes the whole system how it works iron dragon tv.com go on there

what's the code word bro Joey and the cool thing is a lot of people's complaints about some of the online video services is that they have a lot of choices but none of them are ever any good these people they like martial arts movies and that's all they have and they're going to have good ones it's like that's sometimes the problem you get with some of the

bigger ones is they have some movies but they don't have like the cool stuff and I know they're doing something with the 4K TV. Oh yeah. Which gets to release January 1st or for the holidays or some people already order it. So I'll keep you up to date on that but for right now go to Iron Dragon TV.com pressing

Joey. Get two free rentals. Let's welcome them do a nice job, give them some love. Right? Number two on it as usual. Who's better than them? You want to be in the top of your fucking game you need to get on it. Whether you want the shroom tech, whether you want the hem-force protein, whether you want the alpha brain, all that stuff.

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I'm still on the alpha brain and the hemp protein bars. It's funny because I just finished my hemp protein bars. I got to get some more of them. Remember we had them in the office. Yeah. And they sent me a box to the house, and I finished them. Tremendous. After a workout, you inhale one of those and it holds you off for at least an hour until you get to your meal. I think it's 14 grams of protein. You really need 30, so eat two of them.

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From a Yip Man to Shao Hutt Young Fat The Lipp Man series, the whole fucking deal, alright? And then we close up with the best vapor pet out there Naileda Life.com. Who's better than us? No one. Lee, what the fuck? You're sitting there like a mumalook of Yeh. Besides that, it's all low, but the shop. I'll be in Portland this week, Philadelphia the week after that.

And then we got a workshop for a one-man show we're doing up at the Ice House on the 26th night before Thanksgiving. You're going to have a great time. Thank you for tuning us into your lives. Thank you for being bad motherfuckers. Thank you. That's it. Stay black, cocksuckers.

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