The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #231 | LEE SYATT - UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: February 20, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, February 20, 2023… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!  Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH This episode is also brought to you by Manscaped, Liquid I.V. & Stamps.com… Liquid IV Support the show and get 15% off at https://Liquid-IV.com by using code JOEY at checkout. STAMPS Visit https://www.stamps.com & use code JOEY to get a free trial. MANSCAPED Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code DIAZ for 20% off + free shipping on your first order. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget... The Mind of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz  #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps #RocketMoney The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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when you shop better hydration today using promo code Joey at liquid ivy.com. Now, without further ado, I'm here with Leader drop some knowledge on you motherfuckers on a Monday morning. What up, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday the 20th of February. Uncle Joey here with my main man, Lee Syatt, celebrating my 60th fucking birthday. It was phenomenal. We ate mushrooms. We went bowling.

We fucking went to Carvel. We did it. it all. You understand me? We did it all. Lee's basically recovering. He had to come over and drink a liquid IV this morning. That saved me. What's that? They have my target now. Oh yeah, they have my target, but I got them cheaper.

If you go to liquid iv.com, forget about it. I save you 25% percent, Jack. But those things will save your life. When you're stoned, you know, I didn't want to talk about that because liquid IV is a great company. But if you got one too many bongs in you, or one too many edible aluminum in you or one too many chocolate mushrooms or just mushrooms altogether

or maybe ate some badass last night liquid IV got you, you understand? Maybe all of the above. All of the above. You wake up with that pubic dry mouth, you spit the hairs out, you pop in a fucking piniacalotta liquid IV 16 ounces of water.

Who the fuck is better than you? You understand me? But no, it was great. We had a, it's been a fucking wild ride because last week I wasn't sad about it. It was just a number to me. But it really is like a fucking major thing. 60, like it's like, and the funny thing is guys, where did it go?

You said something funny, and I was thinking about it. You said like you felt like you were in your 20s still. I think about, I don't feel any different than I did when I was 18. You know, listen, man. You wake up in the morning feeling pretty fucking good. I have bad days and I got good days. You know, tomorrow is going to be a bad day because I went to two jiu-jitsu's and two lifts in four days.

That's not what I should be doing. So the next two days I'm going to be fucking hurting. When we were younger, you know, I could run all fucking day seven days a week and not even have, maybe get a splinter from jumping a fence or something like that, you know. I mean, those differences. Right. What about mentally, though?

Like, I don't feel any different mentally. Well, you're fucking 30. You shouldn't be dead. I don't know. I still feel like if you told me I was 18, I'd believe you. Even if you're fucking retarded, I give you one of these edibles. You're going to feel good about yourself within three or four minutes, you know. It's a no fucking brain.

I mean, but no. I feel better now than I did in my 40s because I was waking up on cocaine. Right. That's a horrible, horrible feeling in the morning to wake up and your body feels like you get a little fucking electrical shocks

and shit. You know, liquid IV couldn't help that shit. No. Not the electrical shocks. Liquid IV can do a lot, but... But man, no. You know, now I've been

really taken care of myself. Yeah. You know, when you go on the road, guys, and I don't think about it then. You don't think about it while you're doing it. But I'm going to give you a short fucking And you do, there was a time when we did the morning podcast.

We got up at six, 545. Started at six. Yeah, started at six. 4.45. And then we, uh, and then I'd have to fly. And then early on Thursday morning or, oh, yeah, Thursday morning. I'll leave it. Six.

And then Friday I'd have to do radio. And then Saturday you do two shows at the club. You get out of that one. you set the alarm for four. Because again, when you're 20, you don't need to sleep. Like when I went on the road with Joe and Ari and Duncan, there was no sleep.

We finished the two shows and hang out in the hotel lobby. Because why sleep? It's four hours. Why sleep? What a wasted time? Well, when you get older, you need those four fucking out. And even those four hours, you know, this is why I can't stand connecting flights in the morning.

I don't mind taking a connecting flight out. but in when you're coming back you just work five days you're walking on fucking you know and I still remember two distinct airports number one is Chicago when you got two

three hours of sleep and you got a flight through Chicago and connect it's a fucking you know and Chicago's always your plane lands in another city where the gate is you know what I'm saying so you got to sprint there and shit that's one situation but I think the toughest airport for me

to ever connect through was Detroit. That one is terrible. I did that. Detroit. It's not that it's terrible. It's a beautiful airport, and it's pretty modern. It's got like this avant-garde art.

Has a train up top? There's a train up top. But when you walk underneath, and you've got to go through the avant-garde thing, and you're on 10 hours of sleep, plus six shows, plus three early mornings. You're in the twilight zone, and you don't know how really close you are

as a human being to just dying. You really don't. Your body is wiped the fuck out and now you're going to get on another plane. Whatever, three hours from Detroit and I'm not complaining here but I'm just giving you the reality. These are the biggest differences I saw.

Thank God I was smart enough as I got older to force myself to go to sleep on Saturday nights. That's where the edibles and the Xanax came in because I could not take a chance and not fall asleep. Now think about this. Think about eating as anix and waking up

three hours later. You're still pretty much, ain't it? You're done. You're done and you're walking through an airport. You know, that's why when I talk to comedians, a lot of them I left my wallet at the airport. I left my belt at the airport because you're fucking asleep guy. Well, and because you

didn't even really fully paint the picture. When we started the podcast, it was Monday, Wednesday, started at 6. So it was Sunday night And Sunday you were just coming back from the road So you weren't sleeping Sunday night Monday night maybe you could sleep Tuesday night you couldn't sleep

Wednesday night you had to leave Thursday morning And then Friday you had the radio So you had maybe two nights a week And I didn't respect sleep I did not respect sleep You just don't When you're young you're like fuck it I'll sleep when I'm dead

You know and that's hey man I ain't mad at you I ain't fucking mad at you But You have no idea how much of weighs on you, not to mention the alcohol, the reefer, the edibles,

a family. You know, as I got older, I couldn't deal with everything. And listen, there was a lot of my fucking plate guys. But that's the differences, I see that my mind, comedy-wise, during the week it's dead. When Lee comes around, my mind wakes the fuck up. We crack some fantastic jokes this week. We talked about snort and shoe polish and fucking, you know, making a shirt for Jewish people shoes with parachutes.

Because if you live in Israel and Palestine throws a bomb on you, you're up in the air. You don't die from the flight. You die from the land. But if they bomb you, you fucking... And you're up there like the guy from Wakanda forever with your little fucking heels flapping around.

I'm looking for those fucking shoes. Those are the shoes I'm looking for. So we're going to invent a new Jewish shoe. It's going to call Jewish pride. And these fucking shoes have parachutes and something else. We were going to have a yamaka with a propeller too. A yarmika with a propeller.

So that saves you with a little fucking, as soon as you hit the bomb, you put the safety helmet off. I love it. Friday night, we were throwing some heat in this fucking basement, talking about drugs and we're going to make a new shirt Jewish power. Yeah, Jew power. Jew power and sell them because that's big. We got to fucking, you know.

Yeah. Another fuck Kanye. Another one with Kanye and the Great War. and Egyptians are stepping on them and shit or Palestine, whatever the fuck they are. I don't know. I don't know. We were fucking throwing heat.

We have the whole merge line, yeah. But my mind doesn't get like that. Am I forgetful? Yes and no. I got to be honest with you. Yes and no. If I tell you, I'm going to call you back, you know, and you remember, but you remember six hours later.

You remember when you look at your phone and go, fuck. He asked me for a size. I got to call him back at seven, seven hours ago. that kind of shit. But no, I'm tired. You know, my knees. Listen, man, when I, I've accepted, you accept it after a while.

You have to do the math in your head. Oh, my knee feels weird. It's a 50-year-old knee. 50-fucking years old. What do you think it's supposed to feel like when you were eight? No, it's, and so I understand all those functions. Right, but then on the other, like, like you're saying, you're taking better care of yourself.

Like, you're a lot wiser now. I'm not calling you, well, but, you know, You're better prepared. You can do different things that you couldn't do at 30 or 40. No. Listen, man, you lose little things, but you work with what you got. You know, I was very discouraged from even going to Jiu Jitsu. And the most motivational Jitzo guy, I looked at him, and it's John Jock.

He's missing fingers from birth. And he didn't quit. He went in there and said, I got to make it work for me. and that's very impressive so did anybody see the last rambo uh huh

it's very violent the last rambo he made it was the end of the rambo series and it was very violent and when you watch that movie you see a gentleman that's old so he knows he can't hand to hand combat you

he knows he's going to get beat up so he has to outweat you with his mind he put grenades and he put the doors one of one you know he put music for him and he shot arrows. He kept everybody at his distance, but he worked from his strengths.

And that's what you could do. But that's what you can do throughout your whole life. Because we're not all 100%. So why not? Look at your weaknesses, accept them and go, okay, my strengths have to overpower my weaknesses. I'm still going to work on my weaknesses,

but I got this strength. Let's work with what we have. I was thinking about this on the drive-up yesterday. Because my cousin called me, and he's, he's, moving back from L.A. to the East Coast. And I was thinking about it because I hate, like, when you have, like, a decision like that to make, like, should I move back?

Should I switch jobs? Should I break up with somebody? Should I, like, a life decision like that? I don't, it freaks me out. And I don't know how to make that pick and, like, look at my weaknesses and my strengths. Like, and I was thinking about, like, your birthday, you must look back at, like, decisions you've made throughout your life. Like, how, like, you don't seem to have that problem making decisions. Because I made a lot of bad ones

When you've been making bad decisions all your life Eventually You hang in there You start making good ones You know We all make bad fucking decisions And the younger we are We make the worst decisions

We make the worst ones we don't know But you know The one thing I read When I reread the book I wrote with Erica I read about how many times I started it and it got me a little bummed out. You know, I would start over.

Like, I would pick up my thing and move across town and start with a clean slate. Why would that bum me out? It never really bummed me out that much because I would fuck up. So I was forced to learn how to pick up the pieces all my life, you know? When you keep fucking up, it's like a fucking nightmare. And after a while, you're like, I can't do this no more. not that you get wiser or smarter. You're like, I cannot keep doing this anymore.

I can't keep dropping my phone. I can't keep going back to this fucking girl. It's just ruining my life. You just pick yourself up. And the more you do that, you start getting confidence in your decisions. And all your decisions now, you know, it's like when we talk about comedy, I love comparing comedy to life. Because we've always said that there's great joke writers.

And I bet you. happens with music, you know, musicians, especially writers. You, what are we talking about? About making decisions? You, let me see, what the fuck. When you go up on stage, you have these jokes that you write. And sometimes you go up there, I was talking to one of the guys from Patreon. And he said he went to do a show, but they were all yuppies and he opted out.

You lost. You lost. because you judge the audience. And when you're a young comic, you go up on stage, and you have this joke you want to do, and it's fucking dirty, and you want to rock their world.

But then you look over and you see a fucking grandpa. Right. With white hair and white, and his wife's got white hair, and they're drinking water. And you're like, you know what? I'm going to crack this joke, but I'm going to crack it scared.

It's like when you throw a rock and you duck, you could throw a rock two ways. You could throw them. When you watch those Palestinians, They don't throw rocks. They don't throw rocks scared. They take the rock and they go, fuck you, Ali Baba, and they throw it. But if you pick up the rock and throw it like with your head up, it's not going to go.

Same thing happens for a joke. You got to stand behind that joke. This is not a punch, and it hurts more than a punch. It hurts more than a fucking punch. I'd rather get punch in the face when you have those specific jokes that you want to crack and you crack them. And it's a good joke. But guess what, pussy? you're not standing behind your joke.

If you want to learn how to stand behind your jokes, you watch a man named Doug Stanhope. He'll teach you what I'm talking about. But it's the same in life. You have to stand behind your decisions. So the only way you could be confident about a fucking decision is if you've done it before or been in this situation.

You know, when we were moving here, I wasn't worried about him. This is the first time I had to bring two other fucking civilians with me. This wasn't the Joey. show of late where I just said I owe Lee 2000 and I owe Mike 10,000, it's time to leave time and I just left. Those days

are over because I got cargo now. So that was a lot of pressure to move here because what if I let her down and what if I let the kid down? What if the kid was more, but I'm like this is Jersey and I have faith in the neighborhood pro. And it's not the

neighborhoods that I grew up in but that community is still in there. So I made a good choice. Was it a good choice for me? Do I feel the same way I did in LA? No, I've struggled to you the last two and a half years. But I'm getting better. I struggled mentally because decisions.

Decisions, same thing we were talking about, you know. I love stand-up comedy, but I got no urge to get in a fucking car and go do a spot. If you can't do a spot for free, why go commit to a paid spot? So I know that. I fucking know these things. But to get back to you, it's the same thing in life, man. when you say fuck you you gotta stand behind it

if you're arguing with your girlfriend you're like that's it we're done I'm never going to call you again you call it three days later right you defeated the fucking the whole patois the whole goddamn thing you know and but that's the hard part for me is like when I think of what stand by your decision means

it's like you're like okay this is like this is it and this is why I'm doing it but my brain once I make a decision my brain will come up and start fucking with you What about this way? Then it's time to read the Stephen Ketting book again about the War of Art. Or the Art of War, whatever, not the Zanzu one. Right.

Because it's that. It's getting that stupid, listen, the reason why I was struggling, I would struggle the last couple months is because there were days I could go to Jiu-Jitsu and I wouldn't. Because I would let my fears. I would go, wow, I'm going to go there, and I'm going to breathe. And I'm not going to be able to breathe. Then tomorrow I'm going to be sore. And I wouldn't go.

And guys, at 1 o'clock, I'd be fucking furious at myself. They didn't go? But it goes back to anything I ever did before. I remember one time I was doing comedy maybe four years. And I did something and left with a girl from a comedy thing. And it was no big deal. It was an open mic. I wasn't getting paid, you know.

That bothered me. For a long time. I'd rather go up there and bomb than not do the fucking spot. Right. I'd rather go up there and bomb to not do a spot and not know. Not know what could have happened. You know what I'm saying? It's like you going with your electric guitar.

You're going to go play Nirvana and you get there. There's a bunch of cowboys. And you're like, God damn it, I don't have my Johnny's, I don't have my Johnny Cash hat. You know what I'm saying? It panics you. But go back Blues Brothers, 1982. They walked into the bar

They opened up playing Whatever the fuck it was The people started throwing bottles out of them and shit They turned the lights off They regrouped and they sang raw hide They figured it the fuck out And then they won them over The guy's like that's the best show we've ever seen

And that was when Belushi had the whip and shit And he's fucking The chick is smoking the cigarette And it knocks it out of her hand All that stuff Like You know It's a commitment

when you make those type of decisions you have to make a commitment to yourself and go it's all going to work out and then did you ever run into a situation like that again where like you were thinking about not going up always every fucking time

I went to do comedy I would in the hotel room on Saturday I would figure out how can I slip on a banana peel and not do this fucking show you know you always have that fear in you but if you let that fear win

then you're done you're never going to get nowhere in your life you just got to close your eyes and go I'm going to do this and do it and the more you keep doing that to yourself you get in the in the thing of fucking listen one of the best anecdotes I ever heard was on that fucking show

with the Lakers on HBO they were driving back with his daughter and she was asked him question he goes you see that plane right there because a lot of people don't notice that when a plane starts to go down, they shut the engines off, and it just free falls or some shit like that. But they couldn't sell a lot of tickets if they told the audience that,

to be the consumer that. Right. He goes, it's the same thing in fucking life. If you don't fly, you're never going to fall. Wow. So if you don't go for it, and guys, there was nobody. Listen, man, that took me February of 89 to June. July of 91 to get on stage.

Let's look at that. That's a year, right? That's 18 months. That's almost two years from when I kept telling people. I'm going to do comedy. I'm just writing material. I'm writing. That writing, that's bullshit.

That's why I tell people, stop writing. You're never going to write. Just go up there. Get it over it. Go up there and sing a song. I don't give a fuck what you do. Go up there and tell us. story, they're going to boo you anyway, but I want you to get it out of the way.

And I want you to realize that even with all the booze, you've never done anything like this in your life. Right. Even with all the booze in the room, you're never going to feel like this in all your life. I give you 10 blow jobs and put a firecracker in your asshole. You're never going to feel like this. The feeling you're going to get from doing that stand-up and bombing is by any feeling you've had. You might be a little creeped out, but it's like getting smacked. in the face for the first time.

You walk them away and go, what the fuck was that? But I just allow that to happen? I'm going back tomorrow night. It's the same fucking day. And especially with open mics, people usually, if you just say it's my first time, like, as crazy as open micers can be,

they love you. They're very supportive, at least for the beginning. Eventually, if you're bad, we'll make fun of you. But the first couple times, it's like, and I tell this story every time someone is not sure about an open mic.

I did open mics at the library on sunset, and there was a legit homeless guy with bags. Like, not just a guy living in his car, like a legit homeless guy who would do it before me and did better than I would. He was funnier than I was. Like, homeless people do open mics. You can do an open mic.

Open mics are a slash between mental health. Like, if you check bracelets at an open mic, you'll catch one guy that just got out of the insaneness. silent. Oh yeah. Like that afternoon or the day before. Or a halfway house. And listen, man, it's the first step to get healthy. Listen, there's a lot of people go up

on stage and say some crazy shit. But eventually they don't see that people react to it and they start coming around. They start coming around because they know they're not winning this war. And there's guys that just show up on Mondays. I love those guys. They don't want nothing out of life. They don't

want nothing. You talk to them after one. They're like, fuck you. I'm going back to my job. I work at Subway. I'm having a great life. And you're like, okay. But they show up every Monday. They don't want to go on the road. They don't want to be a big deal.

And it's great to see those lunatics. They come in with a handcuff on. You know, they all come in a little crazy. But, you know, it means something. I went to Jiu-Jitsu today. I could tell there was a brand-new kid in there. And he had to be 100 pounds overweight. And he was running.

And I'm like, look at this guy in the middle of the circle because you can't run. I run in the middle. I'm not fast enough. So I run in the middle. I just do a light job. And I'm like, it takes a lot of courage for this guy. And after class, when I'm talking, I go, bro, keep coming back. Don't let this.

You're going to melt through that fucking fat in a month or two. Just keep coming back. And I love it. I love when somebody, you're right. When somebody comes in and they go up on stage, I'll do, for the first time, I'll go out of my way to make that first. Because when I got on stage the first time, a lot of motherfuckers went out of their way for me.

dog. A lot of motherfuckers were like, hey man, thank you for coming down. Hey man. Keep coming back. One guy told me, goes, you sucked on stage, but your fucking stage presence was brilliant. Keep coming back. Amen. Fuck yeah. I'm going to come back. Don't worry

about it. I just got to figure out how to get rid of this fucking noose around my neck and Hank's wife. But I'm coming back. Don't worry about it. And that's the thing you have to look at everything. Listen, guys, you're not going to like everything. You're not going to like everything you try.

There's no way. You might go to El Nito and go, I don't like the steak, Joey. That's fine, but you like the steak from somewhere, you know, whatever. You might try hockey. But that's okay. Give it a fair chance. And if not, my daughter quit wrestling. It upset me for two minutes.

Because when she came to me, she came to me proper. She came to me and gave me an explanation. She goes, you know, I go to Jiu-Jitsu and, you know, I don't miss a class. but dad didn't like it she goes the boys are a little rougher on me and I didn't know what to do she goes if I would have known what to do

I would have wrestled them so I saw the jihitsu coach I saw the wrestling coach at jihitsu Friday and he goes so your daughter didn't come back up here I go you know why they do a court class

here at jihitsu because it's not it's not um you don't row you just drill you just drill you learn the move you drill it 10 times

And let me tell you something. The first five of those classes that you go over there at Alice, you're going to be sweating during those drills. You're going to go, what the fuck? And that's going to make you come back. And then if you don't want to roll, don't roll. We just want you to learn the system correctly so you get confidence. Mercy and have confidence.

So she goes, what I want to do is start going on Wednesday nights after basketball to that place because they teach you from scratch. Fine. Fine. I can dig with that. She's stuck with baseball. She's stuck with basketball. She's stuck with the drums

till the end of class. This year she told me that I don't like the drums. I don't like how they play them there. They play like, you know. Yeah, she don't want to do that. She wants to play the Rolling Stones, you know. It's hard to do something. When you're not good at it,

that's one of my biggest weaknesses is if I'm not good at something, it's very hard for me to try to do it. Yeah, but let's take it back to the conversation. Nobody drives to an open mic on a Lamborghini. Right. So when you try something for the first time, you're not going to be good at it.

If you think something up, like last night we were surprised. We went bowling. I have not bowled 20 years since Houston. We used to go to midnight bowling after the gigs and eat brownies that'd be a heavy metal band, fucking lights and shit, tremendous. I haven't bowled. So when I went there last night,

there was no expectations, but all of a sudden I drew a strike. Yeah? And I'm like, okay. You know, I had to get back to the first two, what terrible. I thought my arm was going to pull. I thought my knee was going to connect.

The shoes were slippery. But you go back there and you did it. I didn't expect that. My expectations were low. Right. Your expectations were low? Because I didn't expect, you know, to sell out the bowl, you know, to throw 10 strikes. I threw one or two.

I'm like, okay, now I got it. I might go back. I might go back and start bowling again in a league on a Monday night. Why not? I'm at that age that this is what it's all about. You take two hits off a joint and you go. You're not going to be good at every. guys at anything the first time you did it but there's a difference and I think bowling is similar

to stand up because you and usually at your first couple open mics you'll get a laugh or a chuckle at least it might not you're not going to get not going to get a standing ovation but like I I think I got at least two or three got up I've never I've bowled with those big balls like three times in my life where I grew up it was all candle pin so I don't know how to bowl but I went like when I got a couple pins. I was like, oh shit. I was like, I can understand like, but I think the difference maybe with Mercy, and I don't know, she's tough, so

she probably did, but like, if you're getting like, not beat up, but if you're getting constantly pinned in wrestling and not seeing any improvement, I could see her be like. Yeah. You know, and she, I don't think, she just wanted to learn the fundamentals. And they

taught them real quick. And like, she went to two practice, like, you're wrestling on Saturday. She's like, no, I'm not. Oh, like a match? Yeah. Oh, Jesus, yeah. She's like, no, dad. No, she wanted to learn the basics.

I'm the same way. I'm the same fucking way. I don't want to go in there until I learn shit. That's why I took a stand-up comedy class for $31 in Boulder. And then when I got a little into it, when I came here two years later, I took another eight-week class. Because I don't know everything. Nobody knows everything. I feel better.

Like when I lift weights. You know, what, 20 years ago, I'd go into a gym. I didn't give a fuck. Now, I don't want to lip by myself. I'll pay you, Mike, just to watch my form. Because I don't want to get hurt, and then I can't do anything.

So I'd rather give you the half a yard, and we live together, and you just watch my form and tell me, Joe, you're not doing that. Joey, put that weight down, Joey. You know, my fucking, put that down. I want you back here on Wednesday. You follow me? There's a lot of things I'll do at my age now that I can do by myself. But there's a couple things like lifting and all that.

Jiu-Jitsu, there's a lot of people in the room. So, on Jiu-Jitsu, I hear it all the time. Joey, breathe. Oh, really? One of the old guys from the other side. I go, Joey, I see your face. You're getting red. Breathe, you're fucking.

But, you know, when I went into for J-Jitsu, I didn't fucking, like, what the fuck? The first time I did a hip escape, I thought my world was going to end. And then they wanted you to do 30 years. yards of them and I remember getting up going I'm gonna fucking die. Remember that kettlebell class we used to go to? Yeah? I thought we were gonna fucking die in that class. That was not

a good kettlebell class at that knucklehead. But then we went to the Irish dude in the Bronx and he was the real deal holy feel. You went in there, you knocked it out in 20 minutes and you went home. He taught it the right way. He taught you from fucking scratch. Remember

he'd make you bend over and teach you? That's what I like. I like that. I think there's a difference because I was to think of the difference between the two classes. And, like, there's confidence. And then there's, like, I don't know if bravado is the right word, but, like, arrogance. And, like, you can be confident in your stuff. But if you're overconfidence is a bad thing, too.

Like, you don't have to, like, do this most or do the biggest weight. Like, we didn't, like, Irish didn't care what weight we were using. No. He just wanted you to show up and do it by the time. Remember, he would time me, put the form, the form, he put the fucking workout. on the board for you and shit. You did it on your own. There were other people in there, and he was in there.

And he would watch, he put me in the corner with the chubby fucks. There was one guy there that was fucking strong. The guy with the beard, there was some strong motherfuck. It was a strength gym. It wasn't like a, you know, let's drink a smoothie. It was a fucking high pole, fucking TRX and kettlebells. But to get back to you, listen, man, we're not good at it. Mike, when you came here and we did the videos.

you figure it out you didn't take a video editing class or a fucking you didn't go to NYU or nothing like that we figure it out first couple weeks is a little scary like anything else in life

it's like what the fuck am I doing but then you figure it out and you do a couple things and now you start picking up confidence and you go holy shit I did that with what I read there can you imagine if I really put my mind into this and there you go

you're not going to be good everything guys I still regret quitting the bass when I was a kid I love rhythm and all that shit I just the bass player just stands there like a fucking gun look but then five years later Rudy Sazo showed up on Ozzie and I'm like oh shit

this is what it could be oh thank you bro Rudy Pipp oh shit he's coming May 3rd we're all going yeah we're all going to see Rudy Sazzo he's performing yeah MJ Pack Up the corner here. Oh, awesome.

What, like, what else? Because, I mean, you were saying, like, it's just a number. But you're right. I think every 10, like, those 10 and fives are, like, big. Like, what else does, like, 60 have you think about? It really had me thinking about where I've been. Like, where did these years go? I had to break it down, to be honest with you.

I broke it down into 44 years without my mother. Fuck. All right, I broke it down into that Not to be a fucking dickhead But just, I had it Yeah, I had it And in 44 years What the fuck have I accomplished in 14, 44 years?

What did I do in 44 years? You know, forget about the failures I can't count all those motherfuckers But you could count a couple of little Things that meant a lot to you You know, so It was great I do, listen man

I never wanted to go to prison And it was very embarrassing but if that's what made me into a man, I guess I'll do it again. If all those little failures built me up to here, I have no regrets about it. You really don't because they worked. Obviously something worked.

Doug, I'm still pissed. I didn't join the army over a fucking blood test. Over a blood test. Over a fucking blood test. Right now, I would have been getting four grand a month with full insurance for the, the rest of my life. I would have been out of

for the last 20 years and I still could have done stand-up. Nothing would have. Well, if I would have been in the Army, it would have been like prison. I would have still been cracking jokes

in the Army. Right. And one of those fucking guys would have said, you should be a stand-up when you get out of here. Like Gary Owen was in the Navy when he started standing out.

I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, I guess. And I would have been getting $4,000 a month, plus fucking insurance. And I could do what the fuck I want to do. So who?

I fucked up. I fucked up. Listen, the Army right now, the services, they fucking missed their annual quota. Quota by 60%. People are not joining up.

Yeah, this woke society is not joining up. And this woke, out of all the societies that need the fucking military, it's this one. I'm seeing kids that are 21 that have no muscle in their body at all. They've been working on Z-boxes, whatever the fuck that is. Xbox, Z-B-I-D-B, I don't know.

You know, they've been doing that for 20 fucking years in college. There's a lot more of those kids than what they are, athletes, like built kids. Moms are taking kids out of football. After what I've seen in the last couple of years, it's real. C-T is real. Oh, yeah. There's a degree of what you want to do, especially in an early age. You know, especially in an early age.

So we're taking, you know, right now, the most hated thing in our society is toxic masculinity. People want to hate that, but they don't know that without toxic masculinity, if we didn't have toxic masculinity, we would have been fucking slaves to the Russians and the Chinese 200 years ago. 200 years ago, because you need a cup, as bad as he was, as bad as a person, as he was. I'm not, you needed Christopher Columbus to balance out shit in life. You need Genghis Kans and it just happens. I'm not, you know, but think about it. What we're talking about. You were talking about like people hate toxic masculinity. Yeah, they hate toxic masculinity. You get into the army because of the bloodshunds. So right now, what do we need in this country more

and everything? We need strong men. We need strong men. You watch what's going on with men. the numbers, testosterone is going down in young men. I mean, it's just going down. Listen, I went up and down in my life. I'm not proud of having a little bit of toxic masculinity. But Jesus Christ, I was born with two balls and a cock. What else do you want me to act like? You want me to walk around with a tennis racket?

You know, I mean, think about it, guys. God blessed us with two balls and a fucking cock. And on the other side, he made women that are fucking beautiful objects. beautiful objects for what they are you know there's some people I'm not saying men have to throw men out the window to survive but sometimes you need some men to lead other men

some people are fucking lost in life I was lost for a long time all these old people that I dropped their names growing up they would fucking influence me they influenced me with a word or an action or something to that effect but right now for you not to join the army

the way the world is going, if you're a real fucking American, are you fucking retarded? Are you fucking your idiot? The Army needs young men more. And listen, the young men need the Army more than they've ever fucking needed.

Because I don't know if you checked, man. Shit's getting rough out there. Yeah? Shit's getting rough and competitive. They're talking about why a kid's going to college. Bro, we're in a fucking standstill right now. You know, you're going to drop 300,000, for college education and be on a job search for two years of your life.

Nobody's going to learn the trades. The Army needs fucking savages more than ever now. You can write your own ticket. You could pay for college. You could do so much. Who gives a fuck that you give yourself for 20 years? You're going to give yourself to some bullshit anyway. You're going to give yourself to some fucking company that don't give a fuck about you anyway.

These motherfuckers don't give a fuck about you anyway. These motherfuckers don't give a fuck about you, but guess what? If you do the job you're supposed to do, you're going to travel the world, which you would have never done on your own or with credit cards. Yeah, under somebody else's umbrella, but you're still fucking traveling. And in 20 years, when you're 38 years old, when everybody else is just getting warmed up, you're walking around with $4,000 a month,

insurance out the fucking gazoo, benefits out to gazoo, and they'll pay for you for a master's fucking degree. Now, 20, there are 40 years ago when I was 18, I blew off the fucking blood test, there were more options for 18-year-olds. Obviously, I jumped on one of the options. But today, there ain't that many fucking options, guys. But could they, do you think that, because I'm not even going to put it on the kids today. I'll put it on myself. Me at 18, I think I would have lasted 30 minutes.

I don't think I would have made it through the haircut of basic training. Talk, I would, I, like, I don't think I'm, like, could they turn? if people were sounding up could they turn them into soldiers? I don't think I could be a soldier in a million lifetimes. What's a soldier? What's a soldier?

What's the big thing about being a soldier? Some soldiers kill. Some soldiers work on computers. Some soldiers drive tanks. Some soldiers become medics. I could do it. So there's different qualifications for being that. You know, listen, man,

how the fuck is the army off by 50% or something? One of those, I saw this maybe a month to go or two that they're really, you know, because we're woke, we're very fucking woke, you know, and we, I don't know, I don't know what it is, but I see the shape of some of these young men,

and I'll tell you, man, I didn't have a lot going for me at 18 through 21, but I did have something going for me. I had balls, and I took chances, and I didn't give a fuck about picking up a phone, and I didn't give a fuck about walking up to a job, site and going, hey man, you need a labor? No, come back in a month.

How about I work for a week for free and prove to you how fucking good I am? And if you don't like me after a week, you know, you don't have to fucking pay me. You think people do that today? No, yeah. So, like, you, I think you could have been molded, I guess. I don't know if that's the right word, but, you know, I think they could have made you into a soldier. Absolutely. Absolutely, because I always wanted to shoot somebody.

It would have been easy. Yeah. It would have been easy for me. me to become a soldier because now I could shoot people with 200 other white dudes. I'm in. I'm in. We're all going to shoot you at once with little helmets on this shit. Fuck, yeah.

You know, I would have learned to jump out of helicopter. I mean, listen, man, you go up there and you think about it. You're sitting there with eight of the guys. Guess, guess what? The biggest guy with all the muscles and veins, he's more scared than you are. With all those muscles and veins, he's just as scared as you are. He's talking. I can't wait to get up to eight times.

But now when he gets up there, he's trapped. He's fucking trapped. He got a jump. He's been talking shit with those muscles. And here you are, just as scared. And it's like anything else. The guy looks at he and goes, one, two, three, and he throws you off or whatever the fuck they do.

And I guarantee three seconds into it, you're like, holy shit, I'm happy I got out of fucking New Jersey. Holy shit. I'm happy I got out of Iowa. Fuck them punks. Holy shit I'm happy I got out of Seattle Fucked her

Cobain and Pearl Jam I think as soon as the parachute open You're like Oh okay Yeah And either you want to do it again And wait a second Can I talk to you

You mean to tell me I could jump out of a plane Land this shooter motherfucker Yeah Okay We'll learn how to jump out of a plane You're gonna pay me? And you're gonna pay me

Yeah 800 a fucking year you know, you ain't going to make no money. You ain't going to make no money. But that's the truth. That's how you become a soldier. So, you know, I think that we could, they could have all molded you. Listen, it's like Jiu-Jitsu.

It's like anything else. Ten people go in, seven people come out. And they depend on those three people rotating. Are you allowed to quit the army once you sign up? I think you can come up with something. You're scared of the dark. You know, you join the army. You know, they allow transgenderes now, right?

They allow transgenderes. They allow gays in the military. They allow everything in the military. And what the fuck are you doing at home with two balls and a dick between your legs? Watching TV, thinking about going to technical college lines. Lying to yourself. Who didn't lie to myself? I'm going to be a chef.

I'm going to be a painter. I'm going to be this. I'm going to be that. Look, I ended up a fucking shit at a comic. So obviously, so yeah, what the fuck, guys? Go for broke. I mean, I would join the Army today if I could. I would definitely fucking try it.

Not now at 60. I'm not jumping out of a plane, but 18? What the fuck did I have to lose at 18? What the fuck do any of you motherfuckers have to lose at 18, 19, or 20? Nothing. It seems like 20 years seems like a long time at 18. That's all I can. Yeah, but how old are you right now?

Yeah, I'm 34. And now looking back out, you're like, oh, God. How many years ago did you quit college? Let's see, 12? The four years of college is 16. I'd be four years away. Right now, you'd be four years away. And they probably got a program that they'll let you out in 38.

You take 10% less. And then you go to fucking one of those international countries and work security because they're going to give you another 300,000 a year, plus the pension you're fucking getting. Because I hear all these people that are taking pre-examination. they're getting out of it with 38 37 years now because they take a pay in their pension but they go get another job at 300,000 a year

working security in Iraq fucking Iran, whatever fucking you know so there's so many opportunities for you so think about it what you did I'm dog I'm not just telling you for the guy at home that's sitting there scratch and his head going I listen to 2000 podcast

and I'm still not funny well you know what I don't know what to tell you It's not going to work out like that. You've got to get on stage and make it work for you. I've been doing my podcast for 20 years, and I've got 12 listeners, then. Time to join the Army. They got a podcast program in there.

They'll rock your fucking world in the Army, you know? That's just me here, guys, talking. I know that's what I would do in today's world if I didn't have a high school diploma, if I was struggling, if I was just going to go out in the workplace to make the small 15 an hour and struggle the rest of my life,

I'm going to maybe get a job for two years, maybe getting myself. The good thing now is you have these night courses. You can take computer courses online. I don't know how expensive that is. Dude, they have stuff like Harvard, like Ivy League schools, put, not the entire school, but they'll have classes on there for free.

I'm thinking, for free? Mm-hmm. You don't get credit, but you can do the class. What kind of classes? I saw some coding ones. Like, I didn't even really look fully into. I'm sure they have history. and they have their stuff you can find ever and even on top of that like I looked at

I I took a a commercial acting class I've never taken like an actual acting class I've never taken like a I didn't take a stand-up class but I've never even taken like storytelling and you can take stuff I don't know how good they are but if you if you learn one or two things for a couple hundred bucks you know it's funny when you take those classes people I get a lot of emails and people hey I heard you talk about this guy and he's teaching a comedy class in Minneapolis or something. I've spoken to a lot of people like that. Listen, man, there was a time, honestly, when I thought those things were a scam.

I really have to be honest with you guys. But over time, I learned something that everybody has their own definition for the artist stand-up comedy. And in eight weeks, if you take a class, it's three hours a week, and maybe they give you a little homework, they make you watch, comedy, whatever. Guess what? I'm not talking... I don't want you to pay $10,000 for a comedy class.

I don't give a fuck if fucking Chappelle's teaching it with Phyllis Diller and fucking, you know, Jerry Seinfeld. I'm not paying you $10,000. But I will give you a couple hundred if I'm serious about this career. Because if I take one thing from the class, they're going to teach eight weeks,

and that's eight things you just take from the class. But forget about that. If I can take one thing from the class, it was worth my money. If I take that and apply it to the rest of my career, that thing that he talked about, it's worth it. And then when you, as you grow in whatever field you're picking, you know, I can't imagine being like a mediocre guitar player

and a band picks you up. Okay? And you're like, I watched the Molly Crew movie. Again, yeah, nine. I couldn't sleep one night and I. That's one of my favorite rock movies. And they had that original guitarist at first. And then Mick came in and threw the guy out.

I don't know if it's a real story or not. But I guess I bet that happens a lot. Where a guy comes in, he's a medium guitar player. If you got a cool lead, he'll take you under his wing. You know, I always think about, like, the guy from Journey, he was 16 in a band. Neil Sean was in somebody's band at 16. Yeah. Santan.

He was in somebody's band. That's 16. 16. 16, I'm going to give you a shot. But I guarantee if I take a 16-year-old to my band, I'm going to school that motherfucker. And he's going to get schooled by the bass player. He's going to get schooled by the drummer.

He's going to take one thing from that band. You know, it just, I think about those things. There was, oh, little Stevie Winwood. When he sang with traffic, I think it was trapped. Dun, dun, dun, dun, done, done. Not trap. And it doesn't matter. Yeah, traffic.

Doesn't matter. You know, he was 16, little Stevie Winwood, 15, 14, Stevie Wonder was little Stevie Wonder. You know, when you go into those places, everything gets removed. You're not a kid no more. You're one of me. We're not kids, and I'm not an old man.

You gravitated to me because I'm an old man, but we're an equal, and I will take you under my wing, and, you know, you see it all the time. When you watch old live concert videos, you know, you see guitarists looking at a, other and they wink or whatever you know take a breathing i know you can't play this lead i'll think that's so funny yeah but like don't do you think maybe to take it back to like the army thing maybe that's why some people aren't signing up for like there's just there are a lot more options now

like maybe people who are going to join the army are doing ufc stuff now like there's like like and you but there is something that you could like everyone could find something that like they're passionate about listen the army isn't for everybody and i was just saying it like Why don't I know that, but I'm just saying in today's world that the Army's light. It's not a bad idea to join. If you're young and you have nothing going on. I think this. Listen, I failed at 20 things early on.

I wasn't good at any of it. But let's get down to basics here. Eventually, I found it. I lucked out. I was one of the very fortunate that I found what I loved, and I pursued it for as long as I could. Just because you don't join the Army or go to college, doesn't mean you're going to fail.

I've never said that. No. I've never said that in my life. You're not going to fail. But I'd rather you be a little bit more prepared. You might, you know, you might start as a roofer, work yourself up to a fucking team captain, the head roofer six years. And now the world's the limit. And I saw that with the car business.

I saw people walk in from the car business from working at McDonald's. And they just got a niche for selling. They did it professionally. and they make six figures a year with no high school diploma and they build on that anything could be done bro you control your own fucking destiny

if you want to eat dog food you'll eat dog food if you want to eat lobster tails you eat lobster tails it's all your decision what the fuck you want to do I mean it really is it's you saying

how much of this shit can I take and how far like how much you're willing to try because do you think sometimes like if people don't find not I'm not saying everyone's going to find it But if someone's stuck, if someone's listening to or watching this and feel stuck, are they not trying? Did they not try enough?

You fucking start every day. You know, I quit snorting coke in 2007, but I started in 2003. So for four years, that's the last time I'm going to do blow. I'm going to go the right way. I'm going to do this. It was just verbal diarrhea. And I knew it. You don't think I knew it?

I was saying it. You knew I knew it, guys. But again, we're back to the situation of how many times can you get kicked in the balls? How many times can you end up homeless? How many times can you end up in jail? How many times do you end up doing? What's the definition of insanity? Doing something over and over again, yeah, expecting different results.

Right there. After the third strike, you're like, I've got to figure it out. And trust me, I've stuck around for nine strikes. I've stuck around for deep, deep failure. But how long? That's what you say to yourself. You know what, man? I can't eat another potato sandwich.

It's time for me to get a fucking job and get my life together. You know what? I shouldn't be sleeping in my sister's basement. You know, it's time for me to get a fucking job. You know, yeah, there's tons of rehabs you'd go to get help. No better rehab than you fucking waking up in a hospital room. You know, Nikki Six, OD, died, brought him back, went home and shot up again. and that time passed out, blood came out of his arm,

he woke up and he goes, no, I'm going to fucking rehab with the rest of Motley crew. And they went on to do like two or three great fucking albums after he killed the fucking guy in the guitar. You know, whatever, the singer from whatever the fucking name is done. I get all emotional here. But it's true. It's how long am I going to continue to take this?

How long am I going to continue to wake up every morning with no money in my pocket because I spent every dime on cocaine last night and now I'll tell Terry that the check got lost that they're going to send me another check. After all, she's going to go, Joey, how many checks are you going to lose? That's why after a year of Dayton

and she started going to the gigs with me and she would take the check from the promoter because she's like, these checks don't make it home. Right. If you understand me, so how many times it's up to you and how many times you're going to tolerate this lifestyle before you go, you know what? I'm moving on to the next fucking avenue.

She's going, he's going, the dog is going, my mother's going, I'm going for it. That's what motivates, that's what got it to me. It wasn't a specific word, it wasn't a specific fucking situation. It was, how long can you sleep on this fucking stinky pillow? You know, I used to have a blanket I bought in 1984. I bought it at Walmart for 20 bucks. It was like a tiger. that it was the same blanket

that I lit the guy on fire, the homeless guy. It was like polyester something. You could tell those blankets, you're like, man, if somebody smokes a joint, I'm busting into flames. I bought that fucking blanket in 1984. I had that blanket on the road, 1998. Jesus. And that was the only blanket I had.

And it smelled so bad, guys. You want to wash it? I'd wash it once a year. I didn't even know you washed the fucking. I didn't even know where to start, but I remember that blanket being in the back of my car when I was living in my car. Before my apartment got towed, my nice little condo. That's when I lost a blanket? That's when I lost that blanket.

I thought about that blanket a couple nights ago. I still remember going, what am I going to get my life? I still remember sleeping with that blanket on Bista having that blanket over me in the front of a car with the sunroof up and jerking off. You know how many times I jerked off on that blanket? That's why it smelled. Because there must have been a thousand ghosts in that fucking blanket. It was just a ghost, but it smelled like cum. Come, sweat, reefer.

A little clunky. And I still remember jerking off on that blanket and coming in it and going like, how many times can I come on this blanket? Like this blanket, this tiger should be pregnant by now. How many fucking, like, when am I going to get a new fucking blanket? And that's when the car got towed and I ended up getting a new blanket. But my point is that it's shit like that.

That's the shit that you should, you know, and then I'll tell you what really bothers me. It's when you fuck yourself over is one thing. But you really got to get your life together when you start carrying over to somebody else's life. And you're fucking over their life? Like when I first met Terry. And we'll get to that situation some other time.

You know, because you care about that person. And now you're like, I can't do that to that. Like when I met Terry, I'm in a decision. I can't. carry her over into my problems. She can't handle it. She's not from that school. She doesn't understand that. And I remember a friend of mine came on when they

accused me of robbing his watch. And he fucking woke us up. And I'm like, you come to my house for this shit? He was a good friend of mine. I mean, you come here to him. He didn't like that I had a girlfriend and he didn't. And he didn't like that I was rocking and rolling with comedy. And he wasn't.

So to, like, take me down. He came over. I stopped talking to that. He found a watch. Of course. He accused me of it. Then he started wearing it. I'm like, dog, I think your watch was missing.

Oh, I found it in the toilet. I'm sorry. But you never apologized to me. You fucking loser motherfucker. He's somewhere in Idaho now telling people he's a producer. He's still fucking, fuck him. But yeah, you just get sick and tired of being sick and tired. And that guy coming over and Terry seeing that helped you realize?

Yeah, I couldn't have him in my life. You know, there was a time when every afternoon, about one o'clock, three times. times a week I would hit Terry up and go, hey, can you put $20 in my ATM account? I have $8 in there. I want to get a bag of reef for $20. How many times I did that? A wife, a girl, though. She wasn't even my wife at the time.

She was a girl I was dating. How many times I did that? How many times can you do that before you go? It's time I've got to get it fucking together. I'm asking my girlfriend for 20 bucks from weed. I'm from the old school. I'll give you money to eat. I'll pay for your rent.

I'll put gas in your car, but I shouldn't be paying for your luxuries. I should never be paying for your luxuries. That's where you come in. If I take the time to cover your rent and, bro, you can eat here, do whatever you want, but I can't start giving you money for cocaine. Now you're fucking with me now.

Now you're bringing me into this. So that's when it becomes a problem, and that's when you've got to go, you know what, it's time to fucking strengthen my game. and I got to do something in my fucking life. And what do you think, to close it out, like what do you think was that final straw? Or did you have a bunch of final straws that, like, made you switch?

A bunch of them. A bunch of them. You know, yeah, I was doing movies, and I was doing spots, and I was opening up for Rogan, but I wasn't fulfilled. Because I was doing Coke, and I just couldn't reach my potential. No, I wasn't fulfilled. I was sick of that.

I was sick of being a horrible. I was sick of not having the ability to earn money. Because after a while, I stopped, like, listen, in LA, whenever I got into a bind, I sold an eight ball. I sold a couple of eight balls. I knew some guys that were always looking. I'd set them up during the week, hey, man, you got to try this Coke, you know. So I could always make a living, but then came a decision I couldn't do that no more. And I stopped doing that.

I still remember selling a pound of weed to an agent from hacking. me agency he was my theatrical agent and I'll never forget selling them the pound of weed and leaving there and going one of the cops gonna pull me over like that's an undercover cop but I needed the $200, like I really needed that $200 fucking dollar

and I just decided I couldn't do all those things no more that was it I was getting to a different age I'm rocking and rolling I'm friends with Joe I'm friends with these other people and they're gonna see my name in the paper for selling a pound of weed the fucking agent I need that in my fucking life now

Right. Let's scrap it down. Let's start from the scratch. Let's work this a little harder. You know, there was a point I quit stand up. 2009, I quit stand up. For how long? Six months.

Wow. I was like, I'm just going to work when Greg Garcia calls me or one of my friends called me. I'll open up for Joe, but I'll get a job selling cars. And then I failed a drug test. So they brought you back in. Then the podcast then came in. Yeah, no.

And once the podcast world came in, I had a little bit more hope because I could tell my story. And that, what is blowing my mind right now is just like, because you think there's going to be like one rock bottom or one decision, but it doesn't sound like there is. It sounds like there's like one decision that gets you this far. And then you have to make another decision. And like it's just like it's a lot of small ones, which is frustrating because you think like I'm so close maybe. you always are that close and it's just a decision away think about it you're always

that close it's just a decision away you're always that close it's just tightening that one screw oh fuck I did that you know holy shit I didn't look at it from that perspective maybe walking away from it and attacking it back like I walked away from jitia for two years

I just like if I do this again this is how I'm going to have to do it I got to do it like this I got to do it this way do it this way do it this way. I've got to lift weights. I got to eat this way. I got to sleep this way. So it gave me a chance. You never really fail. I never talked about backing up

looking at something and attacking it from a different direction. But you've got to make me a promise that you attack it and go to that direction. People take a break from things to fall back in love with things from time to time. So that's basically it, motherfuckers. We gave you a little

I know it's a holiday today. Not a lot of it's going on, but Lee came. It's my 60th birthday. Uncle Mike's here. We're making it happen. Show them those fucking shrooms to these fucking savages. Oh shit.

Look what's back for today. I mean, we ate a bunch of them over the weekend. We were bowling last night. But we're going to eat some more. I told Mike's like, let's do the podcast Monday. Mike, these ain't going to last. Get your ass up here. I want you to get a taste of this shit.

Silly's chocolate? Fucking tremendous. guys. I got a bunch sent to me, so we got a little party going for a few days. And that's it and that's that, guys. Another fun-filled Monday podcast with my man Lee Syed on my 60th birthday. I'll least celebrating the birthday. Happy birthday, buddy. Thank you, guys. I love you. Stay black. And I'll see you, Cocksuckuckers next Monday, tip-top Magoo. And now for a word for my motherfuckin' sponsors.

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That's 20% off in free shipping at Manscape.com. Use Code Diaz. I want to thank Manscape. I want to thank Stamps.com, and I want to thank Liquid Ivy. But most importantly, I want to thank you, savages, for having my back. Lee and Mike for stopping in today and making it happen. I love you as cock suckers. Have a great week, and I'll see you next Sunday. Tip, Top Magooie Louie.