The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #233 - Joey Diaz, Dean Delray and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: November 25, 2014

Dean Delray, Comedian and Host of the Let There Be Talk podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code words joey or church for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  Overdose - AC/DC I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Achile's Last Stand - Led Zeppelin Recorded on 11/24/2014

I don't have any sound. Is that right? No, no, you don't need it. Oh, yeah, because I know, I mute it for the ads. Yeah, there I am. There I am. I don't hear Joey, though. There is Joey.

Go ahead. Okay. This show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use Coburg Church to get 10% off of any of their products, Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune, Shroom Tech Sport. Joey uses the strong bone to help with his knee. And the Alpha Brain today. And the Alpha Brain.

Coburg Church to get 10% off. This show is also brought to you by hit eSigs.com. That's hit the letter e-sigs.com. Better tasting, longer-lasting. The proof is in the vape. They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars for you. If you're looking to quit smoking in the new year. What's going on?

Nothing. Go ahead. Okay. The e-cigarettes have different flavors and different levels of nicotine. Go to hites.org. And use co-edewers'clock and use co-bored. Joey's Church to get 20% off of your order. Show is also brought to you by nailed itlife.

com that's nailed at life dot com if you use cobrid joey diaz you're going to get 20% off of the premier vapor pin on the market works with oil and wax so you're covered both ways they have t-shirts they they do los gumis or manos nailed at life dot com cobra joey ds to get 20% off and again welcome to iron dragon tv.com that's iron dragon tv.com right now if you use cobra joey you're going to get two free rentals that's two free rentals it's a roku channel of all the best martial arts movies. They have the Itman series, a lot of Kung Fu movies. Again, it's a Roku channel. Use code word Joey to get two free rentals. Are you kidding me or what? Monday, November 24th, the day the devil was buried in the

seat, fucked in the ass, and they beat him in the head with his own fucking pitch for it. That's how we're running it right now, cocksuckers. The church welcomes Dean Delray. Lee Syatt's in the house. telling me Jewish fucking stories. I am. But here you go, motherfuckers. It's Monday night. Kick that bitch up, Lee.

Kick that motherfucker up, Lee. Little Angus Young early on. Yeah. Oh, love this will look. They're not fucking around. They're not fucking around. This guy was like 150 fucking years old as singer-punch guy.

The rest of the band was 18. Listen to this shit. Are you kidding me? Yeah, get that fucking bong. It's time to jump out the window, cocksucker. A shout out to the brothers in Ferguson. Brothers gonna work it out, shit. Oh, man.

Are you fucking kidding me? Lee, kick that, because this is a solo. These motherfuckers got it all about. Get it together, coxsuckers. Fuck you in that faggotten music you're listening to today. Break this motherfucker out. Go, angus, Cossucker. Listen to this shit.

It's too fucking much. I'm going to have to go get a $7 bag of heroin tonight. I got to go get a $7 bag of heroin, and I got to find an Arab. You know what I'm saying? We're going deep tonight. What's happening, baby boy? I got the Bond Scrath tattoo.

Do you really? You're that fucking, oh, my God, you're fucking beautiful. You are fucking beautiful. Without that guy, I'm dead. He was tremendous, man. Somebody called me the other day and asked me who to name the top three-front. men. Yeah.

And I brought up Bond Scott and they're like, ah, he's no Freddy Merck. I go, you know what? Oh, was that Don Barris? No. I go, the chicken fucking Bond Scott, August 4th of 1979. I was a young kid opening up for Ted Nugent. I saw the same tour. Weekend, Weekend Warriors at Madison Square Garden.

He was amazing. That's when he went out in the audience, and he fucking did the whole thing. Angus would get on his shoulders. People would lose that. That was way before the pit, the whole fucking thing, stinky people jumping up and down. That was way before that. And then I saw him the next year. I'm back in black, right? With Brian, it was amazing.

It was like, the guy died on my birthday, February 19th. Yeah. And fucking, you know, they had a new singer and they were ready to rock. I think they were opening for Judas Priest when I saw him. I saw a priest that had to say fucking 15 times. Yeah, I saw a priest too. And I heard that when they were in town two weeks ago, they were just phenomenal. I was there.

Oh, man, I couldn't believe it. Really? There was, I was, I went because I did the Nokia Center two nights ago with the Russ, two nights before with Russell Peters. So I'm backstage and there's like the GM. So I go, yeah, I really want to see Priest. And two minutes later they gave me this fucking envelope with seats and passes and shit. So I took Danny from the store.

Oh. Yeah. I said, we're going to Priest and we're going in fucking luxury. And man, they came on. They played like Jawbreaker, you know. Joe Brickle! Fucking killing, man, and love bites. They did a lot of stuff off the Defenders of the Faith record.

That's when I jumped off the wagon. By that time, I was mugging people. By that time, I think I was there for heading out to the highway and I was done. So, yeah, the point entry record. That's the first time of song. And then the one after that. What was the one after? Head not to the highway.

I got none to lose. That was there. That's point entry after that's the defender. Yeah, I was done by that time. By that time, I was way done. Solar Angels is amazing. That's what they used to open up with. That's the one they don't remember, and they came out of the boxes.

They had the helicopter light. Listen, it was November. I didn't know anything about anything. And a friend of mine had a hat that said, Jesus Christ, but in the Jesus Christ it said Judas Priest. Right. And I go, what the fuck is that? And the next day we were in study hall.

And the next day, he brought me an 8-track of Unleashed in the East. And I went home and threw that motherfucker on. And I didn't understand. Like, I was still into, I was still in love with the song. He was the same. Oh, yeah. That was it. I came home in the end.

And then by that time when this kid, Steve, had given me this cassette or eight-track, whatever. I went home and I heard, I was blown the fuck away. Yeah. The sinner. The sinner. Green man, a leash. And then a victim of a chain. Just, just all that shit.

Exciter. And, oh. I let that stand back from Excited. Oh, my God. So, oh, man. I was really fucking, and I never told the story, I was really fucking depressed. It was two weeks after my mom died. It was the week before, it was the weekend after Thanksgiving.

That Saturday after Thanksgiving. And my friend, I'm going to go see Priese, blah, blah, you want to come? And I'm like, nah. And at 6 o'clock, I go, what the fuck is wrong with me? They're playing at the Palladium. Yeah. Going to see a band of the Palladium was like going to the main room. at the comedy store.

That's what it was like. Going to the main room. Small. They had a, you know, they had 2,000 seats. But you understand, it was a movie theater with 2,000 seats.

And I went over there by myself and I got tickets for 20 bucks. And I went in. And they came out of the fucking motorcycle. And that was 79. November 29, 1979. That motherfucker pulled off

with a motorcycle and during the center, he whipped out a whip. Yeah. And started just whipping. And it was, Whipping the tank? I left there, I didn't know what to do.

And I had a little bit of blow. Yeah. And I took the bus over. In those days, the bus dropped me off on Boulevard East, where I got mugged, where I tried to mug the gay guy. I think he was gay. He was a pervert. And he beat the shit on me.

And I walked up that block. And I got into an altercation that night. I got into an altercation. I got into an argument with a guy about abroad. I had bumped into somebody who was cheating. Yeah. I bumped into a guy that was cheating with a girl that was a friend of a friend of mine. And I walked past him, and I thought about it.

I was by the book that, like, I didn't like that shit at all. And I walked back, and I went off on her. And I remember how scared I was that I was going to fight this kid. Yeah. But I didn't give a fuck. I called her a bitch or fucking whore. You know, he's in fucking a bar right now working to take you out during the week. Yeah.

And here you are doing this. And the next day, they turned it into like two days later. By the time I got to high school that Monday, they had turned it into almost domestic violence. And it really wasn't. Like, I pushed her. I didn't push this chick. I just went back and I go, you know what?

You should be ashamed of yourself. And you, you're a fucking whore. I mean, I just, I had a little, I had a little... Furble insult. Oh, I had a little coke left in my system. And that girl didn't talk to me for maybe two years. Her and the guy broke up. Yeah.

She went to the guy and told him something different. I went to the guy and looked in his eye and go, this is what really happened. They were holding hands. I saw them. Don't fucking tell me. Until this day, that guy that I went on, is still around.

And when I go back, every once in a while he posts something on Facebook type of Q and I just shout him the fuck down. He still hangs out with some of my friends. The name is Tommy. Nobody remembers that, though, how, like, I just went off.

And then years later, that dumb chick came up to me. It was cold out. It was really cold out. And I had a, and she was drinking vodka and iced tea. This is in high school. This is how pissed off I still am. She lives in Fort Lauderdale.

And whenever I do the Miami Improv, they threaten me that they're all going to come down and see them. And I tell them no Christians allowed. Fuck you, bitches. And they stop. They won't come. Yeah. But this dummy one night, we're outside. I just get out there.

I just get out. It's got to be 10 after 8. And I see her with like three other girls. And I'm with another guy. And they're like, where are you guys going? We're going over here. And she had a bottle of vodka and an ice tea. By this time, I still hate this girl.

Like, I had, at this age, I just hated you. Yeah. If you did something stupid, there was no, I'm sorry. And I saw her out. Yeah, she was done. And she came up to me. And she was like, she said something. She was trying to be nice.

And I go, what's that on your jacket? I didn't know you were chili or something. And I did something. Like, I didn't know you were Chile. And when I walked away about three minutes later, she threw one with iced teas on me. Just fucking threw it on my new jacket. And should I go, fuck this bitch.

I saw her. She kept drinking, and she kept putting an ice tea on the floor. By that time, the ice tree was a little frozen. And I went behind the tito, and I took the ice tea. And I poured it over her fucking head. And I saw the icicles freezing up on the head. And she came back, and we didn't talk till 82. And then I see the Coke dealer's house, and everything was all right.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. When you see somebody at the dealer's... Yeah. Once you see somebody at the dealer's house, everything's forgiven. You know what? You weren't supposed to see me here. I was supposed to see you there. What's up, Lisa, yeah.

What the fuck you bet? I've been here, but I watched something you told me to watch today. I watched that Ari Lang on Howard Stern. I wanted to get your opinion on two things. First thing was, I've dealt with some people who have been addicts in my life, and a lot of them are masters of talking their way out, of trying to convince people that it's not as bad as it seems. And at that point, Arty had only been clean for like seven months.

If you look it up, it's like already, I don't know. Already does heroin. It's something. It's like 30 minutes long, 40 minutes long. Were you like that too? Could you talk your way out of any? Anything.

Really? And when I got in a situation, I was talking my way out just so I could get high. You have no idea when somebody squashes your eye. Like when you have plans about getting high and somebody's good. You have plans. Sure, you don't want nobody to know how deep you really are. Was it already back on drugs? No, not.

It was back when he was still on the show. but he, Joe just told me to watch the video. Classic radio. Classic radio. There's not. I never, guys, I never was into fucking radio. I knew he was fucked up. I knew Artie was fucked up.

14 years ago when I got a call, Christmas week, like a hurry up call, to go and audition for the Kevin Nealyn show because they thought about firing him. So I sat there with Nick DePaolo, Rocky LaPort, that they were just going to pick up because they thought he was crazy already

his book's amazing the first one too fat to fish that's the one it's right before that came out I just opened for him about a month ago how was his special his special just came out I haven't had a chance of watching you he had bits and pieces that are pretty funny he's sarcastic but then you watched a video did it seem like you were being mean to him

like I felt bad for him like Howard and that black check when people care listen it's good radio they want to get to the bottom it tell me what happened and he kept pissing around it. Well, I went to this pool league. I went down to shoot pool. Nobody knows. That's how you talk. Everything is subtle. It wasn't asking questions

but it was like, the rob and the black was like, oh, I knew you were doing it. And then they went around and all of them around with the camera afterward. Like, is this going to be the time that you're clean? And I can only imagine, like seven days into being off heroin, you don't really want a camera stuck in your face. First of all, we don't even know if he was really off. That's true. You have no idea.

You have no idea. pack your stories, and you become a master of bullshit when you're addicted. I love the guy. I'm not putting them. I love the audience. No, yeah, you were on a show a couple times. And when I called you and told you to watch this, I called you because I thought it was brilliant radio.

Yeah. It was really, he's got two of them on there where they break them down for heroin. Yeah. And it's brilliant radio. It's brilliant fucking radio, man. I had never seen it, and I wanted you to see it. Yeah. It was no, no, you know.

I thought it was interesting. It was just painful. It was painful. And then. You could feel this. pain and you could feel the lies and you could feel I had to shut it off that's what you want me to tell you I had to shut it off I couldn't watch the whole thing because I was there right I put myself there when you're there you know that's when that's why I like the interview

how many conversations have you had like that weren't someone like talking you about your drug use 55 and it'd be somebody really you know off color that would talk to me towards the end of the night and I would get steamed the more and more they talked of. They wouldn't know how lucky they were. They wouldn't know like I would be seething inside and then I either walk away or I'd say something. I have

friends I didn't talk to for two or three weeks because of bringing shit up like you know what just knocking off. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about rehab. Don't worry about nothing. You know I got this. We all think we have this but we really don't. I was the same way with my weight. If anybody had told me I would used to get pissed off.

Yeah, you get defensive. You get very defensive and you can't you have to see the source that's what would piss me off it's the source it's not what you say it's how you say in those situations it's very tender you know did you ever do drugs do oh completely how long have you been clean and sober before now well I'm not clean and sober in about 92 I just said I'm out okay but uh mad piles of blow you still drink it all right no nothing no no what happened was uh I burned it up probably a good 10 years straight of just cocaine and vodka and red hooks, you know. And then, like, my voice was starting to take a toll, you know?

The cocaine destroys your voice. The cocaine destroys your voice. Oh, God, yeah. Booze and cigarettes. People think, oh, that guy sounds great, and he smokes and stuff. That doesn't phase your voice, man. Your voice is your voice. But cocaine and no sleep will wipe your voice out.

Immediately. Because a lot of things that happen are when you're on Coke, now you're talking way louder. Yeah, man. Well, crumb cow. Whoa. All night about dumb bullshit about going to Disneyland next week. We're going to ride that ride or whatever.

Just dumb shit. And you're talking and talking and talking. And your voice just gets trashed. And then you don't sleep. And then you're going out singing. And it's over with. For me, my voice would drop. That's how you knew I did a blast.

Yeah. My throat would close. It closes every time. I would whisper just because I wanted you to whisper. So I would whisper so you whispered. And my mentality, if I whispered, you would... Why would you want them to whisper? Because I don't want to hear loud talking.

I don't want to hear loud fucking people. I didn't want him to hear what we were talking about. That's so interesting. I always answered people and one-answer questions. If you asked me a question, that would require more than a yes or no, you're not going to get an answer from me when I was goked up. Was this the entire time you did it or towards the end

when you wanted to be alone? This is the last 10 or 15 years. In the beginning, I didn't shut the fuck up. And then you realize if you talk, you've got to listen. So if you're going to tell somebody an hour's story, then you've got to put up with an hour of their story while they're holding on to the mirror. Let me tell you what happened.

You're like, let me get the line. Enough. Enough with the fucking story. Usually the dealer has the stories and you have to listen to him to get the line. It's like fishing. man. So it's really interesting that, and then you would bring women home.

And like I told them that Greg Fitzsimmons here, that is painful. Because then they start opening up about family, and you want to fuck them in the ass. And all of something, they tell you how they blew the neighbor when they were eight, and they fucked this. And you're like, I don't think I want you around.

Yeah. I never did coke with chicks around. Here's the rule with me. Like, I had a girlfriend for seven years, and I'd be on these three, four-day benders, and she just figured out was out with women. No, man, I was doing dumb shit. Like bowling and talking about rock and roll

and watching MTV. You know, it was new back then and VHS tapes of like Judas Priest Live or anything. No chicks around, because Coke would wipe my dick out. And once you know it, you're done with them. Yeah. Once you come to terms that you're not going to get an art on and now you're going to sit there,

You're going to be naked for three hours and you're going to eat her pussy You're going to run that Coke You know what? Fuck it. How about we eliminate the middleman? Leave her at home. I'll stay in my room.

I jerk off. Maybe watch a little porn maybe if it's available. Something on Showtime or CineMax and go to sleep. I did a lot of dumb shit like my dealer had foosball so it'd be like a six hour foosball tournament for hundreds of dollars. You know, just you know, battling foos

and your arms all fucked. when you leave but you know just hanging with dudes talking and rocking and playing guitar and shit no women around it was just coke for it so what mean let me do stop because joey has a similar story he just stopped he didn't go to rehab or anything yeah yeah well i was my voice was starting to get shot and i had three other guys in the band and it was like you know when you're the singer and everybody's surviving you can't go well i can't sing now nobody's paying bills so they're like what the fuck are you doing blow for when you know your voice is going to be fucked up. And also, I was describing the pain to somebody of what, like, a bad throat feels like

when you hear about singers like Adele or Stephen Tyler or anybody where they get vocal notes, that's like calluses on your vocal cords, it feels like 100 pound weights on your throat. So you're like, I got to get rid of this, you know? So that is bummer. What happens when the expression your voice goes? Let me get a milk done over there. Let me see what you got in the bag of life. Let's take an example, Chris Cornell.

Yeah. Okay? I saw Chris Cornell early on. I don't know what year was, and his voice sounded great, but it was a small place. Right. Then I saw him in 97 before I left Seattle. Yeah. And it wasn't good.

And I'm like, is this the H? Is this the blow? And then I saw him on sign of live. It's on YouTube, though, down on the upside. Yeah. Oh, God. Oh, God, his voice is bad. And now, Chris's voice is a little back, but it's not all back.

He has to sing a different style now to describe what happens. What happens to your voice? Well, you've got to think about when you're writing those tunes and recording them, you're 20, 21 years old. You're not thinking when I'm 55, I'm going to be singing hands off. all over. You know how that is like, hands on. You know, you're not thinking about that. You're thinking, I can sing high, and I'm going to fucking show you guys, I can sing high, though. Obviously, they're kind of Zeppelin, you know, Sabbath back then. And so you sing hi. You're not like, who thought Brian Johnson was going to sing back in black at 60 years old? You're not thinking that.

you know so you're in the studio and you're singing and also you got to understand when you're in the studio it's so fucking easy to sing you got phones on you can hear everything's perfect and you're like back and blah how loud as you're singing now when you're in a fucking arena and it's crazy loud this is pre uh any or monitors now most singers use those you just have shitty speakers on the floor and you're going over Marshall Stacks that are like fucking locomotives and you're trying to sing on top of that so your voice just gets trashed you know and no sleep

air conditioning buses travel interviews over and over and over smoke like the fake smoke you know that shit oh I hate that stuff what does air conditioning do because I used to work on a TV show where the host would come in to do uh voiceovers and he he loved the the booth really cold,

but then I've heard a lot of people like it really warm. Well, some people it dries out their throat. Some people it doesn't. But AC can dry out your throat, different, you know, climates. You know, you can get into like, you can get into like Arizona and shit and be, you know, all dry. You know, wherever, everything. The problem with singing is it's your body. Guitar is, too, it's hands, but that takes years to go, you know, like you get carpal tunnel or something.

But with singing, it's completely your body. And you want to get up and running like the band and party all night and talk. And you know, and you can if you're going to keep going. I mean, these bands like ACDC, if you look at their tour on Back in Black, they played like a solid year every fucking day. There's no day off once that record hits. You don't get to go, I need four days off. They go, no, man, it doesn't happen because there's too much money lost on days off.

hotels, tour bus, you know, crews, everything. And you said you toured for four years straight once. Three years, yeah. But that's van stuff and you can plot it out your own way, you know what I mean? Okay, so it's not every night. It's every night, but you're not like, that's a larger scale. You know, those guys could be doing three interviews a day in the morning. Like when we do comedy and you got to go do morning radio, imagine you got to do morning radio,

then afternoon radio, then you go sound check. Then you do the gig. Then maybe you got to get right on the bus. You don't sleep right away on the bus. You're wide awake, jacked from the gig. And then you're rolling to town at 6 a.m. Back to radio. Some more radio.

A sound check. You know, after a way, like, fuck. I'm tired right now from doing comedy, you know. And that's not even like, you know, rock. Rock, also you have mad volume. Shit is so fucking loud on stage. And you're out there just trying to get above it. Very interesting what you said that when you sing, it's your whole body.

I feel the same way about fucking comedy sometimes. It's true. When I headline five shows, Friday night, when I go back to my room, I'm stiff. It's like I played in a football game. Really? Yeah. It's your whole fucking body. I feel my toes holding arm to the floor.

I feel my spine in action, my mind's thinking. I'm speaking on a certain volume. It's really, people think, you know, I come home on Sunday, I have a week, you know, I'm 51. I don't have Sundays in me. I don't have a Wednesday in me. Yeah. I don't.

I don't have that show on Wednesday. A couple weeks ago I got greedy when I was home a week, and I called him. I got all these spots. Yeah. By Sunday, my blood pressure was 2,000 because I'm getting home at 12, staying up until 1. You're jacked 1.30. Yep. And then you're getting up at 6 with the baby.

And you're doing it all over again. You're writing. You're doing a podcast. You're talking to this guy. You're talking to that guy. It adds to fuck up. Yeah, man. When I go on the road now, I try to keep it light Friday and Saturday.

I got two shows. I don't want to be walking around. I don't want to go to no fucking events. I don't want to do nothing because I know that whatever I do is going to take away from my show. I'm going to be tired. I'm not going to sell a joke the right way because my knee hurts. So I don't want that to happen. Does the voice then come into effect?

Because you scream, you don't scream, but you're loud. You're not a quiet person on stage. You know, you're breathing and you're thinking, and that requires fucking calories and rest. Yeah, man. It's amazing. In the last month, I feel like I'm falling apart. It's weird, and I've never felt like this,

but I'm working seven days a week. I'm 48, and in the last, seriously, in the last month, my knees hurt, but my brain, I feel foggy lately. And I don't know what that is. Like, I'm just like... I just need to get a couple days off. Yeah. Need to go get into 10.

You need to go see Judas Priest one night. See a movie. A couple movies. Just watching people walk by and fall. Yeah. And your mind gets refueled. Your mind gets refueled when you do the dumbest shit. Yeah. So I watch the movie in my hotel room.

I hate doing it, but I did it. $16 fucking. But I did it because I know this is what I need to be good at night. Yeah. I need to watch a couple law and orders. I need to take my mind off what I'm doing. You know, if you ask a Major League Baseball, player before he has a game what do you want to do he wants to do something completely opposite in that

game you want to listen to some music maybe watch a tv show so now when it's time your mind is perplexed and focused and ready to fucking blow up if you're sitting there thinking about it you're wasting that energy you're burning energy if you're just sitting there watching the UFC yeah cheering for a fight with your mind somewhere else it's so much better at least is what I So do you have worse sets? Like when you started out, if you were going over your set list and going over jokes. When I first started out until about 15 years ago, I hadn't figured it out. A great lady once told me on game shows, on game day, I don't do dick before the show.

Really, you don't want to go eat dinner, no. And I was like, that's amazing. She goes, and I thought about it. And every time I go meet people to eat dinner at six, I'd bomb the first show. Yeah. You're not supposed to be in dinner talking. And then they're asking you stupid questions. So tell us about LA.

What's the audition? processing, you're talking, and you're talking, and you're talking, and you're talking, and you're talking, that's not, now you get on stage and you're unfocused, you're an entertain, you were entertaining. Yeah. So when I go to dinner, you call me up and go, my family wants to take you out to dinner. I'm entertaining. They're asking me fucking questions.

How was it working with De Niro? How was it working with Adam Sandler? So I'm entertaining. Yeah. So now I've got to do three fucking shows. So now the people who are paying to see me, I'm bombing in front of them because I'm tired from talking with these jerkoffs. for dinner. About nothing.

So what's your perfect day on the road then? Perfect day on the road is on a Friday morning. I get up, I do a little radio. I go back, I get stoned, I take a nap. Right? On the way to radio, I might eat a little breakfast. Maybe before I get a little breakfast. On the way back, I get stoned. I don't want to do no fucking podcast.

I don't want to do shit. Yeah, I get up at 2 o'clock. I'm done with podcasts. When I leave here on Wednesday, I'm done with podcasts, okay? Now, then comes fucking Friday. I get up around two. I go downstairs. I eat lunch somewhere very close.

Somewhere very close. And the way back, I smoke a joint, I drink a cup of coffee. Now I have an hour to sit down and go over with my material for the night. Go over, maybe something I said to laugh at you, something. I'll call you and go, what did I say the other night at the store? And you're telling me that's what I'm doing. My food's digesting. So about 4.30, I go to the gym.

I ride the bike. I lift some fucking weights. I jump in the pool. You might steam and sauna. You're back upstairs by 6 o'clock. Now you got an hour. You're coming upstairs. You watch a little news.

Maybe at 6.30, you go upstairs. You wash your pussy. 7 o'clock. You're ready to fucking go. You sit there until 7.30. You take a cab or they come get you. That's it. I don't want to see nobody.

Huh? You don't eat dinner before a show? No. I don't want to see nobody. I don't want to eat. I don't know. I just meant by yourself. Yeah, yeah.

My myself. The whole time. There's no reason to be talking. I'm sitting. I'm preparing. I got two fucking shows. I got to talk. I got to entertain 250 fucking people a show

for two shows minimum. What am I going to do? Who do you want to go talk to? I go do my two shows. Now, Friday for me is a big night. That's a big night. I come home, I take sleeping pills. Because I want to sleep 15 hours

because Saturday night I'm not going to sleep. I'm going to get on that fucking plane at 5 in the fucking morning and get the fuck out of there. So my Friday night, there's no party, and there's no drinking, there's no nothing. Once the show is over, I go back, I may get some tea, I may not get some teeth. More than likely I won't get some tea,

but I got a nice coffee strong, and I'll stay up until two and write. and go on my show and think of what I said and what I thought of and lawn orders on or something stupid and about 2 o'clock I take two fucking sleeping pills and I want to sleep till 9, 9, 30, 10. I want to get up, eat breakfast

and if I'm lucky enough, smoke a joint, come back and take another fucking nap until 12 or 1. And the same thing, I get up. Now, today I work out different. I'll go to the pool and swim. Something. Again, somewhere light, you eat dinner, and you're in your room.

I'm packing. By 5 o'clock, I'm already packing. So when I leave at 7.30, when I come back at 12, nothing. All I got to do in the morning is put my sleep apnea away, take a shower, wash my pussy, drink a cup of coffee, take my vitamins, and go to the airport. How would you describe the road? Because I know it's business for you,

so you can't really look at it this way. But it sounds, I don't know if this sounds mean, but just boring. Like if you were in a city, you might want to go see a baseball game or go. I used to have a lot of fun on the road. Yeah. There was a time when you went on the road with your musicians, you were new to it. It was fun.

You were slash. That's right. You drink, you're snort and coke, you're going up there. Maybe you had the musical sets. Yeah, yeah. Maybe you didn't. Maybe you're going through growing pains. My first 10 years in the road were growing pains.

We're learning. And you learn, and you learn, and you learn. And don't get me wrong until seven years ago I would go on the road to fucking get high. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you it was nothing different. But even then, I took care of myself a little bit. I didn't really get myself involved. I didn't go to people's houses. At the club, somebody brought me to blow,

and right from the blow to the hotel room. Yeah, I don't go to people's houses. No, no parties. They're always trying to get you to go to their house. Yeah, the house, no. Because then I wake up at 6 in the morning. I don't know what the fuck I am. Yeah, they might get a tax.

You know? No, no. See you guys tomorrow. Again, what do you want to do? I came to the show, and I want to see where you're staying with. There's what's going on. I got a grandma blow in my pocket. But if we go back to the hotel,

as soon as we get, I'm going to put you to work. I have a boyfriend and stay here and wait for your fucking boyfriend. I'll go home and jerk off by myself. It's that simple. That's what it used to be. And I learned a lot going on the road with Joe. Joe would call me, but you want to go work out? Workouts?

What are you talking about? Bye. Click. Hang up on me. Fucking workout. I'm in the road. We'll work out. I'm about to order the three-fire macaroni and cheese.

I'm going to get myself a strawberry sandwich. You want to go fucking workout. What the fuck? Just a fucking d. Death machine. And then they used to go on the road at first, and there used to be a lot of us. And I didn't like that.

I never liked that. I don't like boys' bands. I don't like six people hanging out. But that's the way it was. And then I raised my hand, and he went on tour, and then it changed. I didn't like that. I didn't like getting up at one.

They always wanted to go to a fucking mall. What am I? Fucking 16. Yeah. You know, Rogan and Tate, Daddy. Let's go to a mall. What the fuck? Go to a fucking mall.

So people are like, that's a guy from Fear Factor. And five guys are standing around. Fuck you in the fucking mall. I'm going to go to fucking more. So I stopped going to the more with those motherfuckers. And I learned that the least I was fucking around the daytime. And the more I was by myself and in my head,

the better I would do at night. Yeah. The more I was, and you know when you're in your head. I love Lee. I love when Lee goes on the road with me, but I don't. I never see him. I don't want nobody on the road. Yeah, yeah.

I'm on the road and I leave on Thursday. As much as I like it. You need the money. You want me to take you. But I got to be honest with you. I don't want to see nobody. I don't know what the fuck you're doing in the daytime. I don't want to go to museums.

And we went out with Bobby Lee. I never saw him once. No, I don't want to do nothing. And I never even took, because I didn't, like, whenever I go to show, I don't want to be in the way. But I know you, like, talking in the Green Woman stuff, but, like, when we went to Austin, I never called you from, like, I didn't know what you're,

I knew kind of what your process was, but people would text me and be, like, house road. I'm like, I'm watching TV. I went and walked around the area for a second, but I didn't expect us to be hanging out all day. Like I just I thought that would have been weird. It's just something I got over.

Yeah. And as you move along, you realize that it's a waste of your energy. I'm about to do two shows. People fucking paid to come see me. Well, what it is too is your life, what people don't understand is for about six hours of your life, you're in front

of about five to a thousand. thousand people strangers and you're on just oh yeah thanks man oh yeah thanks so i come thanks for coming sure check my pictures you're hugging people everything so then the second i'm done i run to the room and just chill decompress all the way to the bottom just like shoo man and and and if i don't grab these personal times i'm going to run out of gas you know what i mean like oh i shouldn't a fucking told that. But that's my problem. Sometimes a guy will be like, hey man, I know you're good with eBay.

Can you maybe help me with this? Or, hey, can you get my car fixed? Because I know all kinds of people. And then I get into that. And then I go, fuck, I need a nap. And I'm fucked here. You know, whatever. Not just on the road, but in town or whatever.

And I'm doing three, four spots a night in town. And I'm going, fuck, I'm fucked here. I didn't get any sleep today. I got to have sleep, man. It's weird. I'm 48, but I feel 90 because I'm working seven days a week. Even with Rock, you didn't work seven days a week. You didn't work like four, five.

And, you know, it's different. You're out. I see you. You're at the left back here. And that's what it takes. That's what a lot of these guys don't think. When you first get to L.A. Or you're first moving around here, it's like what they tell you when you go to,

I get out of a rehab. Listen, you got to go to a rehab. You got to go to a meeting every day for six months. Yeah, but listen, it's not going to work out for you. If you don't go to a meeting every day for six months. And that's the first 90 days after I need for you to go to three fucking meetings a day. Yeah. And that's where people crack.

People don't know that dedication. People don't know, you know, you know, when I got here from 97 to 2005, I went out every night. Those 17 weeks, I was in the longest yard. It was the first time I wasn't out every night because I was in New Mexico. I was out every night, guys. I hosted on Sunday nights. You did the open mic on Monday. You did Tuesday because it was fat Tuesday before people in the original room.

And then before that, I needed my Coke money. I'd be at Felipe's. I'd be at flies. I'd be all over fucking town doing these Mexican rooms because they made you better. By the time I got to the store, I was going to kill those motherfuckers because I just did two Mexican rooms where they're not even paying attention to me. Yeah. You know, I had to follow Jeff Garcia something.

It's amazing. So I was out every night. Then one day I go, you know what? it's starting to I gotta do something you gotta pick your battles and you have to make the scheduling but there's one point of your career here

where you're here the first three or four years you're out every night I didn't know nothing about nothing about I'm gonna rest is my show is on tonight Portlandia no

you watch Portlandia we have a friend that lives in movie land what his career do you got no time for movies there's no breaking bad in your life there's no DVR when I get home At night, I used to get the backstage

when I first got here. Backstage was huge then. If you want to act, this was your way in because agents wouldn't sign you without a reel. They didn't care what was on that reel, so you'd have to use college films. So I would buy backstage on the way home. I would stop at Curse on?

Yeah, yeah, you'd get the backstage there. At 12, and I go home on Thursday night, Thursday morning, and I fill out envelopes all night and auditions and lick letters. And write, I want to be in your movie and send them. So I would get to fur because on those movies, and now no budgets,

so they'd only look at 10 people. So I always wanted to get my foot in the door at those. I'd be up until 4 licking envelopes. Doing blow, but I'd be licking envelopes at the same time. And then you get up, and it's the same. You're meeting people to write, and blah, blah, blah. I was telling somebody I threw my fitness away. When I first moved here, I was 240.

I went up to 300 pounds in six months because everything was comedy. It wasn't, I didn't take care of myself. That was, I gave my life for this. That's what I got going. Ozzy Osbourne sold your soul for rock and roll. You want to fucking own comedy. You want to own an artist.

You want to be a musician. You want to be a painter, a plumber, a carpenter. First five years, you got to fucking own it. You got to fucking own it. You got to get in there. Well, I can't work Thanksgiving night because I might fuck your fucking family. Fuck your fucking family. You're the second guy.

If you work Thanksgiving, you might fucking get a bump. The guy will see you. That's how you move up. Well, I've been there for three years. Well, we're fucking Thanksgiving. You got to work. What the fuck? What the fuck?

That's what... As soon as the comic tells me, yeah, things aren't happening. I guess you've got to be gay to make it in Hollywood. What are you doing next week? I'm going to my brother's wedding. You know what I'm doing? I'm doing nine spots in town.

That's why nothing's happening for you. Because they come out of it. It's a fucking jockey joke. Let's go to the improv and hang. They ain't no hanging. There ain't no hanging. There ain't no hanging, dog. If you ain't getting on stage,

they ain't no hanging. Why are you going to go down there and hang? Talk to who? You hang on stage. Once you hang on stage, you give you your goodbyes. You get your free dinner when you're broke. Because when you're broke and they give you a free cheeseburger. You take that motherfucker. You don't miss that burger. I ate one last night there. Yeah, that's the point of doing the spot there.

Absolutely. Is to get your fucking free meal. That's all comes with it. When I'm doing an improv, I don't spend money the whole day. I just starve it out until I get there. That's what a fucking comic does. Yeah, because I know, I go, okay, I can eat as much as I want there. When you walk into the comedy store, the cherries fucking flinch, if you walk by the bar and the cherries are like, I'm going down,

you're a real fucking comic. You understand? I heard a great thing from a buddy of mine. He said, Jay Moore said that. Jay Leno said, they said, hey, man, how did you get, like, somewhere at the comedy store back in the day? And he said there was four comedians in line always. First one got out of line for a drink. the next one got out of line for a joint,

the next one got out of line for pussy, and I stepped on stage. And it was an amazing scenario, you know, because that's, when I'm at the places, I'm not there to party and I'm not there to,

you know, seek out anything except stage time. Well, that comes with an age and experience. Right, right. You sift right through the bullshit. Right. While they come in, they're like, let's do a drink,

I'll be right back. Let's get two drinks. Get a jack and Coke, too. And I'm going to call for heroin. I'm gonna go back. Cut this fucking moron. You just keep walking. Just keep walking.

And you just, yeah, ha ha ha, yeah, that's a great deal. Get the fuck out of here. You get in your car and you go to the next thing. You're gonna do another spot. And there's always the people that are gonna be hanging out, you know. What the fuck? Yeah. Go take care of your business first, then come back.

Yeah. That was my motto. I went and took care of business first. And I snorted Coke and I got my dick sucked and I looked out windows. But I went and did my two or three spots first. Yeah, you can do anything after you've, After you work, you do whatever fuck you want. Because then your conscience is clear.

I did what I had to do. That's why they call it work. Nobody wants to fucking do it. How did you get into music? How old are you? Now, you're from the Bay Area. Yeah, I got into music when I was... You know, I used to work at Rock and Robbins.

Really? At San Francisco in 1985. Wow. What's Rock and Robbins? It was a bar, rock and roll bar that the lights, Cadillacs were all up in the wall, grills. Yeah. The lights would go on.

Did they sing in there? the waiters? Or it's a 50s bar, right? Yeah, something weird. I worked on Mondays as a doorman. Did you live in the city? I lived in the tenderloin in 1985.

Did you do comedy there? Not at all. I didn't even, I was robbing people. Yeah. I was cashing in the travelers checks in Japan town for the Cubans. I was a bodyguard. I was selling blow.

I did, excuse me, I did everything. In fact, the end of that I read something, I told people on stage. that I lived everywhere bad. And one of the worst places is bad I've seen with the tenderline. In the end, there was an article Saturday. A bunch of guys were heckling a chick.

The guy stuck up for his girlfriend. They stabbed them nine times. They don't fuck around the tenderline. Let me tell you some. The tender line still is not going to... I was just there because we were doing the warfield, and that's the ground zero Turk Street and all that in there. It's the ground zero of just ghetto.

And here we're talking about a city where a studio costs $2,200 bucks right now. You know what I mean? But they'll never, and I mean never, be able to charge good money for the tenderloin. Because the roaches and the fucking stench and the death in there is never going to leave. So they're not trying to gentrify it? Oh, I'm sure they've tried, but they just, what are you going to do? I used to go. Original Joe's was right there.

It just burned down. That's one of that burnt down. was the great one. They reopened them down in North Beach, which is great, but that original Joe's was fire. Those waiters had the fucking outfits on the dog. It was straight up gangster. I had a guy Mr.

Chow. I always had a Chinese waiter in there. And I get the fucking rusty nails. I get rusty Irishman, the fucking... Do you know when you're going to San Jose next year already? July. Of course. There's one right there. Right there next to the fair amount. He's been there. I went there one weekend two years ago and I think you went there like

five times. We went for breakfast once. You looked up on line what time they opened and we'd plan the walk so we'd get there right as they open the door and there was already a line. I'd eat that bro. I got the Slim Joe burger. They got the Joe burger. Then they had the Slim Joe Jr. And it was on a baguette.

Fresh bag. And they cut it in half. Oh, man. And they put mayonnaise on that burger. Oh. That's so fucking great. And I usually don't like mayonnaise on my fucking burgers. They got that sidebar there that was like straight out of Bukkowski or, you know,

bar fly. Yeah. Yeah. a bar there. You just sit in all dark, what's the 49ers play. You know, I used to have this group of friends I hung out with. When we turned 30, we had the dirty 30. And we would meet at Original Joe's and drink in that backroom and eat. In San Jose?

No, at the San Fran. Oh, down. Right there. Yeah. I seen a guy stabbed in front of there one time, bleeding, dead, begging for people to help them. You locked right into Original Joe's. Yeah, man, you just step over him. That standard, standard, you know, routine down there.

I can't help you, that spaghetti's calling my name. I had just moved from New York, and I was going in there to get my spaghetti fixed every fucking day for lunch. It's so good. I would wake up knowing that I had to go on hustle 50 for lunch just to go to original Joe's like a doctor. As long as I had a meatball, I'm good to fucking go. I don't need spaghetti with this and that,

all you fucking morons that ruin your spaghetti. I need spaghetti and two fucking meatballs and a piece of bowl. bread and some butter. That's it. Yeah, you know who's got a mean spaghetti? Jones. You eat there, Santa Monica, on Santa Monica and like, Vibrea? It's killer. Jones. That's the rock and roll.

It's been there like for 25, 30 years, but the jukebox has the best metal. Like you're in there, they're playing motorhead. They have a wall of Jack Daniels bottles. And then it's all rock and roll. And then they serve spaghetti in a skis. skillet comes out fucking just cooking and it's killer man

the sauce is kind of spicy two big meatballs and you're listening to motorhead so you mean why you take a train down to eat fucking French food now you gotta eat at this place I go I go there like once a week Jones it's on Santa Monica by that Target and that Best Buy right there yeah oh Formosa

Cafe is across street from it so it's right there the weed store then there was a weed store there yeah yeah there was the weed store right there yeah yeah you know me I'm better than fucking weed maps. So you started in San Francisco. What was cracking up there then? What kind of music was on fire?

I mean, that's Santana. That's a fucking beautiful area. But what was cracking for you? What made you pick up the guitar, the microphone, or the drums? What was it? Well, I mean, it's the bands that you're listening to, but then there's big club bands at the time.

The club that was the ground zero for Sam Fran was called the Stone. It was on 412 Broadway. It was on Broadway. Across Street was the Mabouet Gardens. That was the CBGBs of the West Coast. And those two clubs had all the rock and all the punk. And everyone played them. You know, everyone from fucking, you know, Devo, Dead Kennedys, Jerry Garcia, Slayer, Kiss,

everybody, you know, played those two rooms. And I would just hang there every fucking day. It was like my, it was my, it was my, comedy store now, you know, my workshop. And there was big club bands that nobody knew, but they were stars to me, bands, local bands that were selling it out, like vicious rumors or, or a roadrunner, this band Le Mans, all these bands when I was growing up. And then Metallica came in, you know, and it became Metallica and Exodus and Laws Rocket and all this metal testament. And, And really it was like once Metallica started hitting, I was like, wow, this is fucking great.

What are we doing for a living then? I did construction, which was the fucking worst. You know, you got to get up at like six. And I was like, I was a labor, you know, carrying fucking wood up. I did that for a while. Then I painted. I moved on to painting houses. and then I got into booking the stone.

I was like, I don't know, maybe 20. And I started booking the club. Because I knew all the bands, I was helping them, like, you got to get this band or that band. They're like, well, why don't you book the weekn't night's? And that's really where I got my knowledge of business, you know, which helped now with comedy. I understand booking.

I understand agencies. I understand commissions, deals. all that paperwork and everything deposits. I learned it all as a kid. So it helped me as I played rock. I just managed the band myself because I already knew all the scams and deals and how it worked, you know?

And also when a great band came, my band opened because I booked myself on it, you know what I mean? So it was a great learning experience. We talk a lot about some people don't want to start from the bottom. Yeah. It's pretty cool that a lot of, that a lot of musicians might not,

I don't want to work at the club, and I'm a musician. It's pretty cool that you went and you learned and it helped you out. Like some people wouldn't do that job. You know, I think the thing was, to me it was like, it was a record store or that,

or a guitar center, if you could be around rock and music. Yeah, we're talking about, this isn't now where you go to Chipotle and fuckers got tattoos on their necks and hands. And, you know, back then, if you had even one tattoo, you'd have to hide it for a regular job. You couldn't have long hair.

You'd have to put it up in a hat, you know. Now you just look, you can look like a garbage can and work at Chipola. I mean, you know, like I always say, I don't think I got enough tattoos to work at Chipotle, and I'm covered in them. So whenever you could get a job where you could say, this is how I look, and I'm going to be gone maybe a couple days a week, instantly to do a gig. That's the kind of gig you're looking for. You know, because you got to make some money. You're not making any money in your band

when you're starting, you know? And that's not what it's about anyway. You know, that's why a lot of rockers back then painted or did construction because it didn't matter what you looked at out there. There's a company out here that's called Rock and Roll Movers. Yeah. And they're just in a band and they move. That's it. I've seen them.

I've seen them. Whatever you could do back then and get away with your look, you got to understand. Hair down to your ass and tattoos. No one's higher than you. You know what are you going to do? Like work as a waiter? People would be like, who is that criminal? I mean, that was actually a criminal look.

Sideburns. You know, I looked like Neil Young for a big old mutton chops and straight hair. Like a Greg Alman, you know. You're not getting a regular job like that, but you got to work. But also, you didn't have to work that much because rent was like a dollar in the city. Back then, no one wanted to live in the city. They wanted to live in Marin or Walnut Creek. The city was blue color and dirty, you know?

So all the artists lived in the city and rockers and painters. It was fucking fantastic. Now all the rich people want to live in the city, you know, because it's like, ooh, it's, you know, it's multicultural. Like a cappuccino. Yeah, yeah, this is our city. And it's like, fuck, man. You wanted Marin go back over.

for there. It's crazy, man. I remember living in an amazing apartment for 275, and I had a garage in San Pratt. And that's, like, fucking, 275, man. I lived at the Virginian Hotel,

which is now the hostel. The hostel. And tender wine, right there across from the Hilton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I know that. And the Alexander Hotel, that's the first hotel I robbed.

I mean, it's fucking crazy. I was a full-blown criminal in San Francisco. It was my first apprenticeship being out of Jersey. What was the first band you were in? First band I was in. This is an amazing story.

I told it somewhere else, but I was in a band with four buddies. I was in high school still. They were two years out. We started this band, and we named it warrant because me and the other guy always had warrants.

Like, you know, run a stop sign, you get a ticket, you just fuck that thing. You got a warrant. You got a warrant. You know, fucking speed, see you later. I'm not paying that shit. I ain't got no money. And then, you know, there'd be that tail light out you didn't know about and get pulled over and you go by-bye. Fucking warrant sitting

down there at 850 Bryant, San Francisco going, fuck. So we get the band together and my mom's like, you guys should be called warrant. You know, my mom, she was like, you guys all have warrants always. It's a great name. We're like, that is a great name. My mom was smart enough to Copyright the name in Sacramento. You get copyrighted it for like $100,000 you own the name. And a few years later, that band Warrant got big, and they came and knocking. You know, they were like, hey, their warriors called and said, we tracked you down. This is pre-internet or fucking cell phones.

And they're like, we want to buy the name. We'll give you $750 or whatever. And we're like, no, because we were getting big. We don't want to give up our name. That's like starting over. You know, it can't be like, you know, the ding-dongs formally worn. It's just starting over. It just looks hokey.

And we were on a fucking roll. Then they called about a month later. We'll give you $2,000. And it was me and my buddy were partners. We're like, nah. It's not worth it, 2000. We're broke, right? And then we don't hear from like six months.

And they're like, they call and they go, we'll give you $10,000. Last offer, we said no. And then they go, all right, 20 immediately. We go, okay. And we sold him the name. It was funny about seven years ago. I was in Vegas. I see him Metallica, New Year's Eve.

And I didn't want to get a room, so I just stayed up all night, and then caught the first flight out. And I'm sitting there on this couch, and here comes this guy. So look at him. I know this guy. He sits right by me.

can't believe it's Janie Lane and the singer of Warrant. He recently passed away a few years back in it. At a hotel right up here, right? At the Hogan Park. Exactly. He sits by me and we've never met. I mean, this is fucking creepy, right? It's like out of nowhere.

A guy sitting next to me. I said, hey, man, I sold that band name to you. And he goes, oh, fuck, man. I always hated that fucking name. I can't believe I'm meeting you, man. I go, I know, right? Right here? He goes, yeah, I wanted to call it Lane, like Lane Street or something, because he came into the band later,

but they were big under warrant and the label wouldn't do it. He goes, I hated it. Then we paid you guys. I came out of our pockets. I was like, hey, man, sorry, brother. And he's all, oh, good, let's go watch a game. He was into like a college team. He wanted me to go see when we landed.

I was like, see you, man. It was weird. And then he was dead like a year later or something. Strange, though, how you meet. someone later, right? That's weird how that... And you tell him, and you tell him. I told him.

That happened about a year ago. I bumped into Ice Cube. Ice T, which one? Is the really good rap of. Ice Cube. Not other... The guy in Law & Order or no. Yeah, the guy in Law & Order.

Oh, that's Ice T. I see an Ice Cube. I open for Ice Cube. Yeah. In 1995 in Boulder for $100. I would go to the Fox Theater and Tormentum and say, my name is Joey Diaz. That's a great theater. I had fucking eight minutes of material.

Yeah. I would go Torment. I got 20 minutes. I want to open up for something. They go, all right, all right, whatever. We'll call you. One day they fucking called. And when he opened up for ice cream playing,

you take a hundred hours, right? Yeah. I went up there and fucking bombed so bad. They were fucking, but they had weed. Oh, it was terrible. And, you know, a year ago I seen him. And I go, I don't know if you remember me. I opened for you in bowl.

He goes, yeah, you were pretty bad back then. We were fucking laughing our ass on. I remember, you were embarrassed. You came back. there and shit hours right it's you know what do you do but life's weird right like I worshiped

NWA growing up I saw Ice Cube three different times and I mean he was my god when I was a kid and I did a movie with him five years ago and I couldn't fucking believe the first day on the set he comes walking up he's all yeah I was going I was like that's fucking Ice Cube

right there you know straight out of Compton crazy motherfucking name Ice Cube from a gang called niggas without a You know what I mean? You're like, man, that's him. It's crazy to do a movie with a guy that you, I mean, who thought 20 years ago I'm going to be sitting, you know, doing a football movie with him? It's so bizarre, right? It works.

When I got here, I got to meet James Coburn. I did a movie with James Coburn and Arliss. And I thought my life was it. That was it. You know, and then I did something with Dick Van Dyke, who was when I came from Cuba, that's how I was. learned to speak the language and I couldn't I kept talking to his son he goes why your eyes water enough and I kept saying I can't look at your dad and I told Dick Van Dyke's son the story and he went and got him and he goes come here tell my dad and mom telling Dick Van Dyke the

story I'm just crying I'm just bald I'm just like you have no idea what this means to me when I know if they're playing in Cuba I'd watch your show every fucking morning and here I am yeah with you oh my fucking God are you kidding me if my mother was alive with every on the phone lighting candles and shit and fucking it's crazy it really is that you look up to people and you bump into them years later

I see you know I've been wanting to go see Pat Benatar. I was a big Pat Benatar fan. Every time she's in town I'm out of town but I would love to go up to the Canyon Club and see them and then afterward tell her how I fucking mailed a thousand postcards when she married the guitar

MTV did a contest to go to Hawaii at Pat Benetar's wedding and I was so deranged that that that 1819 I thought I was going to win the wedding I never guess I wrote postcards for a week I thought I had it locked in I love that hell is for children right

oh that hell out Pat Benetton's crime of passion awesome and the second one the second one the third one his guitar work is tremendous you guys great but her too like, you better run. Is that it?

You better hide. The video with her with the white and black t-shirt on, that's it. You better run. You're a white and black t-shirt on. Oh. So hot, man. Yeah, that was my first band. And, you know, you just kind of, you're gigging and you're rocking.

You're playing keg parties and shit and you're learning. It's funny to think about, like, where I am now in life. It's all because of that back then, yeah. It was like getting you ready for today. That's it, man. Cag parties. You know, whatever. Whatever it was, a fucking, you know, high school.

How similar are the businesses? Comedy, music business is a complete robbery. Yeah, now because of stealing and stuff? Let me tell you, I did that movie with Ice Cube. The day I got home, there were checks in my mailbox. from the movie. You try to get music money. Forget it.

It would come four times a year, and that was only if you had some guy that could fucking hound down your money or else you just played free. It's always been like that. You know what I mean? Like, hey, where's our royalties? We sent them out.

No, you didn't. Well, we'll go to accounting and we'll call you back, and then, you know, months later, where's our money? Movies, it would blew my mind because each week you're working on the Monday, the fucking checks in there. So I was like, this is incredible.

There's actually money here. I mean, I have no manager, no agent. They could easily just said, thanks, man. What am I going to do? You know what I mean? Everyone would do their first 10 movies free. You know what I mean? A movie with ice kid, they go, hey, you want to do it free?

yeah, fuck yeah, I want to do free. The music stories I have heard have been just mind-boggling. Black Sabbath, not getting checks. You know, Rudy Sarzo was here last week talking about it now. Yeah. You know, you want, oh, you want money?

Fuck, we ate all the mopbles. I guess we're going to have to start the motherfucking kick caps. It's not a bad choice. That's just fucking edibles on fire, Lisa. How do you feel, buddy? I'm pretty fucking stone.

No shit. You know, the music stories I've heard are just, you know, the guy from CCR. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He got robbed, you know, Ozzy. I mean, just, you know, I remember years ago talking to somebody who was opening up for somebody like you, like 10 years ago.

He lived in the building with it. This kid didn't even have money for rent, and I asked him. I go, you're on a tour with Jane's addiction. Aren't you making money? He goes, no, we're paying back the first album. Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

They're taking all the money for the first album. Well, we talked about, I talked about it a lot on my podcast. It's a loan. You sign a record deal. And Rudy Sarzo and I were talking about how fucking funny this is. It's the only loan that when you pay back, you don't own it still. So they loan you to money to make the record. Say they loan you $250,000.

You have to pay that back. Then once you pay it back, you start getting residuals, you know, royalties from your record. But you don't own your record, which is hilarious. So what's the point of an album then if they don't pay for recording costs? Isn't that the point of... Well, your point is you hope it sells so you can go out on the road and sell T-shirts and tickets and make money from T-shirts and tickets.

You know, shirt cost it $2 to make. These fuckers are selling them for like $65, you know, $55, $55 a t-shirt. Anyway, you don't own the records. So you're locked into a seven-album deal. It's three for sure unless they don't. like you. If your first record doesn't sell, they just drop you. But if they does sell, you're locked into them for seven, you know, or three, whatever you signed. And it's all alone, always. So the genius of these bands that made it through, like Metallica and Soundgarden and

Jack White and Josh, you know, from Queens, all these guys now, they can put their own records out because they have a draw that'll buy them. And they're making. making way more money that they did when they were on a record label, you know, on a big record label. So how does you two give their CD away to everybody with iTunes? Well, you too is at a situation where nobody's buying records. They know it. So they're like, it backfired on them, but they thought this will make us look like heroes. Where you two, the big money machine, we're going to give you a record.

But then the way they did it, nobody liked it because it felt like, you know, you invaded my phone. which I understand but what it really did was open your eyes to like anybody can just go into your phone shows you how much access they have to yeah of course if you think you have anything uh that's not accessed like your internet or you're fucking anytime you click on porn they could just blu whatever i mean every i mean there's so many people nobody cares what you're doing unless it's a serious crime but you know that's why it backfired on them you know and also i I didn't think the record was that good. That was the biggest complaint.

You put shitty music in my fucking mailbox. You put shit in my mailbox. It'd be good for the picture of some pussy in there or something. You're not going to show up with bad fucking music. You know what have been awesome? If they would have sent you there in library. Here's all our records. And by the way, the new ones in there, too.

They would have looked like fucking kings. They were already sold. They already made the money. You would have got Octung Baby. You would have got Joshua Tree. You would have got... unforgettable fire or whatever. Could you imagine if they did that?

Here's our catalog. Thank you for being our fans for years. You would have just been like, fuck, what a bunch of kings. You know what I mean? Then you would have got the new one. You wouldn't have said anything. You would have got, oh, and I got the new one.

It's not bad. You know? I was a big music fan growing up. It's all you have. Yeah. For certain people, it's all you have. And I went to everything. I went to James Brown.

I went to all the job. It was Pat Benatar. I went to see Tom Petty with the chick from fucking Fleet with Mac in 83. I went to all this shit as a kid, and I believed on it, you know. Me too. And then you hear all this shit. And then I'm still a fan. I mean, it doesn't make a difference to me.

But then you get in this business here, and it's like you look behind the curtain a little bit. And now you understand the stories. You know, you understand Don Arden telling his daughter that Ozzy Osbourne is dead. He's worthless. He's a piece of shit. we already robbed me for everything. I mean, they robbed that, you know. Left him in the Sunset Marquis to die.

Sunset Marquis to die. I remember I did a, when I first got here, my first real job was a video for John Fogany. Yeah. I got it at the comedy stores. I was walking out when he wanted a couple tough-looking guys. I went to the next day. There was a director of Barbwire,

and I got to sit at lunch with John Foggett. I didn't bother him. And he just was talking to everybody, and that was the whole thing, that he didn't get any receipts. sigils for all those songs with CCR, something fucking outrageous. Like you sit there and go, what are you saying? Guy took all his money.

He owned Fantasy Records. He's the guy that did the Godfather soundtrack. And that was the big war with his brother. His name is Sal's Van Zan. Sal's Van Zan, I think. There's a song that Fogarty did ago. I don't dance for Sal or something. But his brother died of AIDS.

And on his deathbed, him and his brother had never talked again because he took the side of Sal's, Sal's Van Zan or whatever. And so on his deathbed, Fogarty said, fuck it, I'm going to go see him. I got to fucking end this. And he went to his deathbed and his brother said, I'm still on Sal's side. And he just said, oh, motherfucker. I just walked out, you know. Can you believe that, man?

That's an interesting story, man. I think the main problem is when you're fucking hungry and a guy comes on and says you want to make records and be famous, you sign anything. And then, because you're thinking you're signing away nothing. Who cares? I got nothing now. I'm going to go into the studio and make a record. Have you ever signed anything bad?

I didn't. I got lucky because over the years of years of stories, I was pretty sharp on it. I wasn't like the cocaine guy, like, yeah, rock and roll and just sign anything. I was like, yeah, rock and roll, but let's look at this for a minute. You know what I mean? So, and also I never sold enough records to know about getting ripped off. You have to get to a level first to get ripped off. You know how many bands signed deals and didn't do anything?

You know what I'm saying? Nah, I'm going to get ripped off. There's nothing there. You have to get to a big level and then you get ripped off. You know, the music industry also gave me the dream. The dream to be a comic. Because you read about, you know, Alanis Morissette putting out an album and it dies. And then, you know, you read about the Cheryl Crow's, putting on an album and the album dies

and the record label dumpster and she moves to Vegas and starts jamming with some guys. And we got Cheryl Crow back on the fucking map. You know, I remember seeing Cheryl Crow doing a free concert in Boulder opening up for, like, local guys. bands in the area. And six months later, next to you know, she was fucking headlining or feeders, you know. All I want to do is have some fun.

It was amazing. I saw it. I saw it. I saw her in March, and then in October, there she is. Fucking out, the Fox Theater headlining it for, you know, that's how quick, you know. So that little dream from music, you know, Ozzy Osbourne was dead. He hooks up with Randy Rhodes. The first album is a monster.

It's a fucking monster. I'm there able 12th at the Palladium with my buddies. And so you learn that, listening to those stories always kept my dream alive for comedy, I think. That was the main reason to help me stick it out. You hear about all those, you know, singers that are dead

and, you know, Joe Lynn Turner. Yeah. Joe Linguido, whatever his real name is. What's up, Lee? You're all fucked up. Where's Tony Bennett? Cocks up. You're slippery. You didn't play Tony Bennett last week either. Yes, I did. The church of what's happening now Monday night with Dean Del Rey.

A beautiful fucking Monday night. Well, Tony better for you, cock suckers. Slow things down a little bit. I want to be around. Oh shit. Lee, look at the shape. You don't eat this fucking last piece? No.

You're not even high, cocksucker. Don't be silly. You're not even high. I tell you, that's a new chef. Well, he's putting the same amount of weed in it. as I keep it low it's beautiful today where do I piss right there we'll split this last piece oh or not yeah how ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I swear to do which one left now people know where our bathroom is around

misery loves company wait and see how's that candy buddy Which one? I don't know. I like Kick Cats, but I haven't had mulled balls for a while. Let me give us some shoutouts here with my main man is taking a piss there. I love you guys. Garrett Richardson, thank you very much for the card.

I'm mental I was going to bring in a reader for Lee, but I forgot it. Cleo, happy birthday. Happy birthday, Cleo. I'm happy you enjoyed your present. Somebody hit me up a couple days ago and said they want to give Cleo something nice. It was a GoFundMe account. and Lee and I donate a little something in the church. We're family, so this is how we do it.

Cleo, we love you. Don, Don, thank you again for the kind. Don Son, thank you for the kind words. I hope you're Chinese or Japanese. I don't know what the fuck you are, but you made sense. Kareem Ismail, Sean Tonner, I love you, cock sucker, Bobby Sharon,

and Tony B, Ferguson. I hope the peace is on. I hope no black people are jumping up and down. I hope a lot of shit ain't going on in Ferguson. How was that P-O-K? It was awesome. Sometimes you've got to let that fucking spout open up and shit crack a lax.

Well, it's weird as I can drink about a thousand ice teas and not have to piss. But water cleans you're right to fuck out. Yeah, that's what's supposed to do it? It's a natural. So what was the band that you went on tour with other bands with? That's this one here, Blacktop?

Yeah. Tulane Blacktop? It was a combination of Tulane Black Top and then my solo career. Dean Del Rey. That record right there, you were talking about Cheryl Crow. Linda Perry signed me, signed the band to Interscope from Forna Bonds, who now, you know, she wrote some of the biggest songs for Pink and Christina Aguiliero. But remember she had that, What's Going on?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's her label there, Rockstar Records. And we did a record with Bill Betrell, who did those Cheryl Crowe first two records. And then the band disintegrated. I went solo and from there on just played nonstop rock and roll man. Like Springsteen style, Black Crows,

that kind of music. No, ACDC? You got a tattoo of Bond Sky. You didn't do a little soul strip of nothing. When I was young, I did a tribute to Bond every year on the day he died called the Church of Bond Scott. every year

do entire ACDC run every year but that would be pretty much my ACDC early on I would play

one song a gig you know usually it was jail break you know gonna make a jay

that's a great one right last week I played with Marin at the baked potato remember I told you to come and I did let to be rock with the band

that was awesome Awesome. First time I sang with the band since I started comedy. Five, six, six, seven years. You know, that's one of my all-time favorite albums is Power Rage. Yeah, that's a great one of my all-time favorite

fucking albums. I always steal from radio stations out of respect. When they leave me in a room for a while, I see they got R-C-D, says they got Power Rays that's going home with Papa. I love Let That Be Rock. Highway the hell, you know, people just don't get it.

People just, this new generation of life just doesn't get it. To me, walk all over you and touch too much. Bond Scott is just sensational, but Angus fucking takes over. I mean, just power rage. You know, I remember we were talking about things from England because the first ACDC album came in two different albums. Yeah, yeah. So the American one doesn't have Soul Stripper on it.

It only came out in Australia or the UK. So we would have to go up there. That's what we were talking about. Rudy. Rudy's good friends with them. Right. It's where we're from. Rudy's went to Memorial. So there's a store of things from England, and I went there.

I could call him and say, I need two tickets for Ozzie, and he would get me the two tickets. Right. You paid him a Vig, whatever the fuck it was, but I just love everything, ACDC. Do I like Brian Johnson? I tolerate back in black. Right. I don't like listening to it anymore because you had to be around in 1980.

I heard that album at every party That was it There was a time where every place you went Don't da-da-na Yeah Don-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da And I would lose my fuck out Like I can't hear it

When I'm listening to a radio When I hear back in black For two minutes I get happy Then I switch it Yeah You want to impress me, bitch Put on problem child Put on squealer

Put on fucking rock and roll Dalmatian anything but that fucking back and blackout for those who suck the cock we salute you again I shop with it to that out from Pathmark I love that record man you know I like like two songs it was funny because I out

once I started doing my thing when I was like 19 I got less and less into the concerts but I saw her but I seen the scorpions and rainbow yeah I saw the scorpions was it where rainbow the one year in 82 blackout on the blackout out I saw that tour but Jovi Opie Opie went on like a 7,800 Fahrenheit or whatever,

his first record. Yeah, they had that song. Runaway. Yeah, oh, she's a little runaway. Yeah, they opened on that. Never saw Bon Jovi. Wow, I've seen him three times. It's funny because Jovi gets a lot of flak and stuff.

But, you know, fuck, man, those songs, he wrote a lot of songs. You know what I mean? And he's kind of like a survivor. You know, he took some shit job as a janitor at the studio and then tracked at night in it and wrote that runaway song and then fucking came out and worked it, you know. It's funny when you're on the road like you

and you go to these towns or I've been all around the world, you go to these cities like where deaf leopards from or Jovi and you're like, hey man, these fucking guys came out of here. You know what I mean? Like how? Like when I go to Sheffield, England and think deaf leopard was in the...

old shit steel town and they played rock. Where's Judas Priestman? Same place with Sabbath this. Yeah, same thing, you know. Like Birmingham. Birmingham, yeah. And they describe those places. And then you go, even right now,

if you go to fucking Birmingham, you're like, this place is a dumb. You know, they got out of here and they fucking made it, man. We're not talking about a band that started in New York or L.A. We're talking about some fucking toenail on the coffee.

hunting it and they got out. It's so weird to me, you know, when you're at, when you play the Stone Pony and you go, this is like Bruce Land right here, you know, and you're in Asbury Park and it's like an old shit

rundown amusement park that's gone with a faded pee-wee golf there. It's fucking crazy. It's crazy. And there's nothing there. It looks like atomic bomb went off except Stone Pony and then a couple things, you go, wait, this is Asbury Park?

I only went to the Stone Pony one time, but I used to go to the Asbury Park Convention Center. Yeah. I think I saw a priest there one time. That place right there on the wall? Yeah, that place is great, right? Jim Florentine tells a great story on metal midgets about going to see Leopard there. And I went to that concert. For a while, you would go to concerts and somebody always light a smoke bomb.

Yeah. And people would freak out. And he told the story about lighting a smoke bomb. and running out. It was him and they threw him out. And he had red eyes. He had to call his mother because he was 14. That was us. Concerts were the biggest release, you know? They were, man. Without him,

I'm dead. And now I don't go, but I feel fucking terrible. My wife had tickets to go, for me to go see 9-inch nails and whatever. I had surgery the next day. And I was like, fuck. And I wanted to go, but I thought about the Hollywood Bowl. It's a fucking hike of hills.

And you've got a fucking park on the bottom. And here I am with a busted meniscus Walking up a fucking hill And then if you gotta pee God forbid you gotta walk down the hill And pee and walk back up the fucking hill I went to see the Stones There I left after three songs

I was on that tour I was smoking cigarettes And I had a monkey in my pocket I don't give a fuck about the stones I watch three songs I love them to death I had already seen him in 78 and 81 I was like you know what

Yeah Enough I'm out Some girls tattooed Some girls tattooed you That's great great ums man Some girls in Philly Yeah They recorded that

With foreigner. Yeah, with her foreigner. Yeah, foreigner. I just said on my podcast last week, foreigner is underrated, man. One of the best voices in music, whatever that guy's name is. Yeah, one of the best voices in music.

Head games, cold as ice, dirty white boy. The first album. Unbelievable. The first album, it was a Monday, a day like any other day, all that shit. Fucking great. It's tremendous, tremendous.

This band is great, man. They're an American trait. I don't even know where they're from. No, they're from Angling. He's English, Lou Graham. They're like an American rock and roll band, though. The sound is classic rock. You know who I love, you know who's still.

I love Zeppelin. I love A.C.D.C. I love Sabbath with all my heart. But one of the best bands of all time to me, and he is the greatest voice in rock. He's up there with Freddie Mercury. It's bad company. Yeah.

I, you know, a lot of people don't know that he was the only singer they considered replacing Jim Morrison when he died. I don't even think he had free yet. Free is unbelievable. But I just watched it a couple years ago when he sang for Queen at the VH1 Rock Awards

and he did the song must go on. Yeah. And he's got a wig now. Yeah. He's got a fucking wig. Yeah, he does have that wig. But he's built. He's a karate expert. He's a black belt. Oh my God. That's why they broke up up because he kicked Kirk in the fucking mountain. He broke his jaw with a kick.

A lot of Kirk. What's the guy's name? The guitar player from the back company. Good one. Oh, uh, Kirk or Simon Kirk? Simon Kirk. Simon Kirk. He broke one of their fucking jaws, either him or the other guy, don't quote.

I went to Desolation Angels in 78. When I came back from five-star basketball camp, since I got my buddies, like, get in the car. We'll go to the Nassau Coliseum. And the fucking drummer did something, and the lights went out and the drumsticks glowed in the dark. And we had eaten like acid or mescal or something. My head almost fucking blow.

up. But I remember that he was one of the, one thing I didn't understand about live music was something you said. You said that, you know, when you see somebody in a studio, they sing like that. And then when you see him live, you're like, yeah. He was to the T. He still is right now. Just like

the guy from Priest. That's Solar Angels that time. Rob Halfer. That, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Solar And when he's the victim of changes live, you'd be like, I'm good. Yeah. I'm good. Towards the end Ozzy Osbourne

supposedly had like a back singer in the back That would sing from I don't think he's doing on this tour I heard this tour Sabbath is just fucking tremendous Yeah I I don't know I heard Jim Norton a couple days ago

I listened to Jim Norton a lot I love Jim and I love Jim Florentine The friend's a friend of mine And Don Jameson And um And you know Sometimes I'll be like Hey man you're fucking I don't know

The singing's just not there anymore And they just completely deaf ear me. Like, no man. No, they were great. I'm like, oh, come on, man. We saw them. But Norton said something funny a couple days ago. It was awesome. He said, yeah,

they don't play symptom of the universe anymore, Sabbath. And he goes, I think because Ozzy can't hit the notes. And he goes, I don't care, though. Sing it shitty. If I want it perfect, I'll put on the record. I just want to hear the song. And I was like, that's a fucking pretty cool outlet, because

I used to be kind of negative on it. it, you know, like, man, the singing's horrible. But now I'm just like, well, they're there, you know, and they're, once these bands are gone, they're gone. You know what I mean? What are we going to see? There's not going to be anybody we're going to go see. So what do you guys think about lip-sinkers then?

Like, when there's always like a lip-sinking catastrophe or something every six months, like, ash, whatever. Do you like, are you negative about it or what do you rather they just do that? I don't want to see somebody fucking lip sync. I think it's the fucking crime of the business. But then people would pay $2.50 to see Britney Spears lip sync. I get it. I get it when somebody jumps up and down at the beginning of the tour

and they're out of shape. I get it when Janet Jackson starts her tour in Denver that when she first starts the tour, she's singing 15% of the tour. By the middle of the tour, she's handling it to 85%. It's a little music because she moves around. I get that. But I don't want to fucking see Robert. plant lips, actually.

You know, Led Zeppel and never did a TV performance because they maintained a certain mettois of what they were going to do and what they weren't going to do. I'm going to give some sponsors a shout-outs. I'm going to get back to you on something here. Real important. First off, as usual, motherfucking Onit, especially now for the holiday

season. Tell that freak your date and tell your mom, your grandfather, you want to be a strong mental fucking savage. Go to Honet.com. It all starts off with AlphaBrain. Moneyback guarantee when he wants. the fucking product back. That's how much we believe in the fucking product, okay? Number two,

Shroom Tech. It's the winter season, you're flying, you're on trains, you're hanging out with all these fucking foreigners, eating hummus and shit. You don't need that aggravation. Take the fucking Shroom Tech so you're covered. No Ebola. What else does Omnett had? Honest has beautiful kettlebells. Honored has battle ropes.

Honan has so many things going on. They have that MCI juice with the coconut till you can flavor your smoothies and whatnot. Go to Onnet.com right now. See what they got. Treat yourself for Christmas. Be a good friend to yourself, coxsuckers. Go to honor and press. Church.

In the motherfucking box and get 10% off. That's how we run. They could stay on it for somebody for Christmas. And you get stay on it. They don't have to leave the fucking house. The pills get delivered right to their house, okay? Number two, I want to give a tremendous shout out to Iron Dragon TV. I fucking opened it up with my wife the other day.

I love what these guys are doing. Listen, you're going to get home some night. There's not going to be nothing on your 150 fucking direct TV that you're paying. Smoke a number. Do a few bong. It's all the Chinese to go. on Iron Dragon TV. Watch what they got.

You know what? Open up with this. Get two free movies. What do they get? They get two free rentals and we press Joey. And Joey, for two free ones. They got the Hitman series.

They got the Child Young Fat. They got Dennis Chan. They got shit you don't even know fucking exists. This is why. If you're a martial art enthusiast, you like people flying through the air, Japanese people stabbing each other. Iron Dragon TV.com.

Go there right now. Stop fucking around. Do a bong it. Go get your two free movies. Two free free films. fucking movies. These guys got big things coming on. The 4K comes out on January. Are you ready for the fucking

4K? No, Iron Dragon TV's fucking ready. Go to Iron DragonTV.com. Now, get your two free movies on the road, cool. Why are you fucking around looking at me, all right? What are they going to press in the box? Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y, get your two free fucking movies today. It's the holidays. You're going to sit there Thanksgiving with your thumb up

your ass after the game. Your grandfather's going to tell you about World War II. Whatever the fuck for him. You know what, Gramps? It's time. buying Dragon TV shit. Shit birds. Sit down, watch a kung fu movie and let yourself go. Hittie!

Listen, it's the holiday season. You're sitting there smoking like a chimney. You sound like you got emphysema in your asshole. Stop fucking around. Go to HiddySigs.com. Get the fuck. Get your lungs back, cock sucker like I did. Right here.

Boom. A cigar. Hitty Sigs. 1,200 guaranteed hitch. You want to quit smoking cigarettes? I got a 24 milligram, 16 and 8, and a 0. Work yourself. In one month.

to stop smoking cigarettes. I don't need to smell like a fucking dick breath no more. I don't need to smell like I eat somebody's asshole for 12 hours. You're a fucking savage. You want to pick up chicks. You want to eat pussy and then I have an itchy fucking snatch for two weeks. That's how you do. You got nicotine in your mouth. Eat that little monkey. They start chisling. You don't need that shit. Go to hit these things.com right now. Take a look at the flavors. Take a look at the selection. Just this alone, the cigars, the holiday season. You want to tell people's bullshit stories and blow smoke in their face. This is the first. This is the fucking e-cigar for you.

Go to Hitty6.com right now and press in. Joey's church. Oh shit! And what do they get, Lee? They get 20% off. 20% off. Who's giving you that? You got to go stand out in line and smell armpits

and bump into fat people, getting blenders and shit to make milk shit. You don't have to leave the fucking house. Black Friday could suck my dick, and it's sucking your dick, too. If I find out you're out there fucking around with these people, I'm disowning you, cock sucker. Go to Hitty6.com right now.

See a selection of it got. Start the New Year off. Smokless, cock sucker. blowing vapor in his eyeball. What are they pressed in the box? Joey's church. There you go. Nailedil Life.

I don't know what to tell you about these guys. The best vapor fucking. You want to smoke wax? You want to do all that crazy shit. You're fucking. You want to burn out and listen to Black Sabbath symptom of the universe. Go to Naileditlif.com. See what they got to offer you.

They got the best vapor pan in the market. They're going to give you 20% off. So it's 50. They're going to give it to you for 40. That's number one. Number two, you got a problem with it or something. You call Dave. Boom!

You got the peace the next day. That's not all of what they got. They also, the inventor of the gummy beds. You want to die and see Lucifer's dick, take a gummy bed. 250 milligrams of fucking heavy-duty TH-T-C wax. I don't even know what they put in there. And the peanut brittle. And the peanut brittle.

Ari said he ate it and did something yet day. It's fucking tremendous. He did it on his podcast. There you go. Go to NailGitlidlap.com and press in. Joey Diaz. Oh shit. And get 20% off your first vapor pen sent right to your house.

Why are you fucking around staring at me? Do it now, Cuckers. Again, on it. Iron Dragon TV.com Nailed it life. No, hit E6.com and nailed it life. Let's talk about something here before we close this motherfucker up.

I think I was into the doors first. Those songs on the radio 10CC I'm not in love. And then one day I heard this explosion. There was an album called Led Zeppelin to. I went to a party in somebody's basement and I'm listening to Heartbreaker

and I don't know my heart just on what is this? Led Zeppelin God damn it this is the last band I wanted to fucking like you know

I went home and I put on Led Zeppelin too I bought it and that's it it changed my life I had stolen a fucking thing with the four speakers

two that came with him and then we wired up Puerto Rican raped two extra speakers so you could hear a whole lot A little quadraphonic sound. Quadraphonic sound. And then I bought Led Zeppelin 3, and then you buy the fucking Zeppelin 1,

and then you buy four, and then you buy presents. And then I buy, and through the outdoor, I wait a whole year. And, you know, when my mother died, it was the second hit, because the first guy that hit was bombed. It hit me. I couldn't take that many knocks. I was at this restaurant. These guys are mobsters now.

Moth and Joe. They had a fucking egg sandwich place, and that's why I was when Led Zeppelin was about to go on sale. Yeah. And he died. This guy, at WPLJ, New York, was about to announce the fucking dates. And this guy dies, and I buy the alms, and I smoke dope, and I listen to Led Zepp,

and I work out on Led Zeppel. Everything I do is around Led Zeppelin. The style of my life is Led Zepp, my comedy is Led Zepp. I want to want to kill him. I want to kill his last man. I'm bam, bha, we'll talk later. Let's blow up the room now, we'll talk later.

And then I get older, and I hear all this shit that they're thieves. Yeah. What am I supposed to do now? Now, I know in my heart, I've seen the YouTube videos. I've seen that they lifted some chords, whatever. Now, 40 years later, the lawsuit's going to move forward. Right. Against Led Zeppel and let's stay away to heaven.

They're your favorite band. They're my favorite band. How am I supposed to feel? anybody? How am I supposed to feel? Do I stop listening to them? But then I put an album on that's called a song and made is the same, which is a live album. And unless you're fucking retarded, or you're a stupid motherfucker, once you listen to that album, you realize two things. A, that is probably the greatest live performance that any musical band has done.

I listen to Robert playing on the Power. Remember that old radio station they had the Power Flower? hour. Oh, yeah. Sunday nights. King, King Flower Power Hour. And he said that, you know, the second night in the garden, Jimmy Page that everything that guitar that a human could do except give it head. Yeah. He just destroyed.

And when he listened to the album, and I know that you can't steal that talent. Yeah. And I know that you can't steal Achilles' last stand. And I know you can't. When I listen to No Quarter, when I listen to dazed and confused, and I listen to the improvisation.

and then I watch it on VH1. Whenever it's on VH1, it's on. It's done. Whatever the fuck you told me, Shark Tank, whatever my wife is watching, I don't give a fuck,

except Moby Dick. Yeah, like fast forward through Moby Dick. Yeah. If you go to my house right now, the story is the same as on my DVR. And whenever I get down,

I just put on a whole lot of love. One night, I believe I told you this, but for all that shit to me, you can't steal. Yeah. What am I supposed to think? well the way I look at it is when they start out on Zeppelin one and two

they're like all those bands in England man they're like a blues acid rock band you understand like you're you're playing blues like you know clapped on all those guys cream and stuff they're playing like white man's blues you know and it's I think it's more of like they don't look at it as like they're stealing, they're playing what they're influenced by. You know what I'm saying? And then it's like comics. When you see them, they first start out, you go, oh, this guy's doing dice. You don't know.

Absolutely. Until you find your voice. And then you find your voice. So you're talking about Jimmy Page, who played on everyone's records as a session guy, and he's been playing since he was. The yard burns, the stones. All that shit. He's on the who.

He's on. What stone album is he on? I got it in the car. The Sleepy City. Yeah. It looks so pretty. That one. Yeah.

My buddy just bought it from me and gave it because I said if it's the something, Her Majesty Secret Service. Yeah, that's the one. Everybody's on it. Yeah, yeah. Plant is on it. A couple people on it. But the thing is, so he's playing blues his entire life.

Then they're going to do a record. I mean, there's like, you know, like ACDCs, like three chords. That's blues rock, too. If you slowed it down, it's like, da, da, da, dun, da, dun da, da, da, da, da, da, da. Speed it up, it's, it's da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da in the beginning. That's a fucking blues progression.

You know what I'm saying? Of course, these guys are like, well, they're doing howling wolf and he's doing this, what he was it? But the thing is, everybody's playing blues back then. and then you start to find your thing by, you know, Zeppelin 3. It's like, holy shit, you know. I mean, going to California, that's Zeppelin, you know. Now, all that stuff is Zeppelin to me.

So I think it's like, of course it's going to sound. Like Dyer Makers Clipped. Yeah. Just like two, you know, that's one of my favorites of all time out. And I told somebody I wouldn't listen to No Quarter. When I bought that album, I would skip over No Quarter. I love No Quarter. That's how young I was in the mature.

It scared me. It was too heavy. When I first got Master Reality, I didn't listen to it. I bought it, I put it on one night. The Exorcist was on TV. I put earphones on. I listened to Master Reality,

and I was snorting T-HC-C-G-E. You're going to double Satan there, which is fucking angel dust, basically. And I'm watching all this going on. I'm like, I'll never hear this sound again. Then it took me two or three years to put it into the void on and go, wow!

Wow! Yeah. You know, now we're on to something, but no quarter at first, Yeah. Bo bo boom boom boom boom skip that motherfucker Go right to the ocean bitch But isn't it more common with music than comedy

Like in music people buy songs that other people have written So it's not like they're stealing But they just didn't pay the royalties Or is it actually like they're stealing in Hordes or something Later they gave them credit on the records I think it was early on I mean early on they probably just thought they

Of course we're playing blues But everybody is. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, music I have less of a problem with than I do. I would be comedy, I think. I don't know why. Listen, when I heard that song by that fucking guy, I knew he robbed fucking Marvin Gay.

As soon as I heard that song by Robin Whip, whatever, Robin Thick. Oh, yeah, yeah. As soon as I heard that song, didn't take a genius to know they had to pay somebody. That was sampled or clipped. Okay, did it buy... Is that a fucking mouse over there?

Where? Where? Did it bother me? No, it didn't bother me. I love Marvin Gaye, you know? Yeah. I don't know, it's just a weird thing. I mean, you know, what are you going to do?

To me, I think that Jimmy Page was there in the fucking birth of that shit. Of course, he wasn't an old black blues player, you know, but he played blues his entire life. It wasn't like he just came in and learned to start. style and then went, okay, here's what we're going to do. We're going to be blues rock. Guy played blues all his life. You know, played that skittal,

skibble or whatever before, that weird play. You ever see him when he's like 13 on TV? Playing something fucking bit. Yeah, he's been playing guitar. He's fucking like that guy. Yeah. You know, but as comics, if somebody does, if somebody's stealing jokes, we avoid them.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You don't call them. I just avoid them because I know I'm just smack on him, so they know. So why wouldn't we avoid Zeper? like guys like you and me. I can't. I love it.

To me, if they stole something, they made it better. They took it with confidence. This last lawsuit kind of threw me off a little bit. To me, it's always been one of the greatest songs of all time. One of the greatest solos of all time.

Every time I hear it, it brings a tear to my eye. Sol is insane. You know, hands down to me, again, you know, if you put on the soy mares the same. That's where I take my that's a live performance at the hardest venue in the world.

There's no harder venue, and when you watch it, you see that the people are hypnotized. You know, I got to see Robert Planned Jimmy Pays later on in 1995. I saw that, 96, yeah. Who gives a fuck? Yeah. It wasn't led Zepant to me. I was happy.

That's why I'm glad they never get back together now. It's never going to live up to what you and I want it to be, ever. We're good with the memories. I'm solid. Me too. I'm good with you. I woke up and I wanted to play this and this and this, but I kept hearing the opening court of Achilles.

Look at my Facebook and Twitter. That's what I put on this morning. It's just a Monday type of song. It was an early morning when they told us we should know. That song is a punch in the face. It's one of the most electric songs that you hear. You just go, what the fuck, man. Especially when they're playing it at Nebworth and 78.

They play like 79 or where they play Nebworth. they get they they're kind of after 77 they lay dormant then they're working on in through the outdoor and they haven't played in like three years or whatever it is then they go do two warm-up shows in Nebworth and they also open up at the evening yeah yeah and they're playing Achilles last damn that designer clothing on and shit stop it stop it yeah with those fucking weird suit pants and shit

but Jimmy Page is like weighs about 32 pounds in that and he is murdering Achilles' last stand. He looks like he's possessed. He's on heroin, full-blown addiction there, and he's killing it like beyond. I love it, man. It's fucking insane. Only some people know about that,

Nebworth stuff. That shit's fire. Fired. Nebworth is fire. You know, I heard the story. I always talk about what would have happened? It's a great question.

if this is what I got to deal with what would have happened if Leonard Skinner would have lived obviously if there's only two bands I didn't see Skinner and Zeppelin how different would life have been what direction

all those bands Molly Hatchet all those bands were to carry over because we couldn't I mean Leonard Skinner was way ahead of that time but I heard a story of them going to network and just blowing out the stone

yeah you've seen it you can watch it have like a little hat on and they're doing Saturday Night Special and you're sitting there going oh my fucking God they're in the spectrum of music and they're just

killing it. Yeah I think that's Nebworth also. Yeah, Nubworth. Yeah. And they play one of the most spectacular I grew up in the Bay Area and my whole music life I owe to Bill Graham everything

my life I owe to that guy because he had these visions of these crazy shows where he'd put you know fucking all these different bands on and that's how you got to learn about so much different music but the Skinner played Dan the Green and those are my favorite

shows ever Dan the Green I talk about it over and over and over because it really fucked me up but if you punch in on YouTube Skinnered Dan the Green Freebird you're not going to see anything more rocking than that

it's insane it's six it's 77. It's 60,000 people. And they started up and he's like, boy it pretty for Oakland. That's what he says. And Ronnie with the no shoes on,

burning up feet on the stage with that fucking hat on and the skin, the Neil Young shirt on because, you know, he had that hope Neil Young will remember. And there he is, killing it, you know, and you just go like, that is fucking rock.

right there, you know? And Zeppelho played their last two shows in Oakland Coliseum 77. Last two ever in America. That's the ones where Peter Grant and his thug guy beat up one of the guys'

dads there because the kids pulling the Led Zeppelin sign off the dressing room. And Peter Grant's like, what the fuck are you doing? Get out of here. And the dad comes and they pull him in the dressing room and just beat him almost to death. And then I love this shit

Bill Graham's like Look man We can't cancel him Because it's going to get fucking crazy here So Peter Grant Knows that they beat that guy up So he goes you got to come over here And sign this paper saying you won't sue us

Before we go back over there Sign off on the paper They play the next show And then the next day Plants kid dies Like haunting In New Orleans They're supposed to play New Orleans

Orleans or whatever He goes home and then the tour is canceled, and then they don't play to 80 again. They do 13 shows in 80, and then Bonzo dies, and that's it. That's it. A lot of people say that band was haunted.

You know, 75, Plank got in a bad car crash, canceled that tour. His son died in 77, you know. Carrick. Yeah, just crazy shit. And they always said the inside cover of, that's why I never understood, because House of the Holy came out way before the sun died.

Yeah, right. But they said the inside of the cover is him giving the son up. You know, they had so many fucking... Yeah, that's all like twisted dry shit. They had so many devil shit that they had in references. Now, before we get the fuck out of here, what day did you wake up and go, you know what? I'm going to give this comedy a try.

Man, it was... It was a Monday. Just like another day. It was a small town. I wanted to do comedy. I'm 48. I wanted to do comedy when I was probably 12 years old. I saw Saturday Night Live, first season.

I wanted to be John Belushi. I wanted to be that guy. I thought he was an absolute God. He was an outlaw. He did drugs. He fucking drank. He rocked. He really didn't give a fun.

These motherfuckers don't remember that. Fuck, no. I watch that shit. Saturday night. Stay up. Barely awake, oh, fuck, falling asleep, watch it. You know, we just watched the Blues Brothers somewhere in a green room. Yeah.

If you're young and you watch the Blues Brothers, it's just a movie. Yeah. But if you know what he was going through at the time and you're watching Belushi, you're like, how the fuck was he keeping it together? Right. Animal House to me. Oh, my God. Animal House is like the fucking epitome of face comedy. The way he could do a face.

and you would just die you had the eyebrow that fucking thing where he pops a bone and he falls backwards off the ladder you know all that simple

my brother and I would do like the what is this is the Zit thing all around the house yeah but you know I got into that and then my buddy that turned me on to all the rock

had Cheech and Chong and I was so into that that record I got it now I got a mint version of it the one with slide they're women in the car or whatever you know

and the dog the drive-in one where they sneak the guys in you know first gear they're like hey man we got the people in the back you know Cheech and Chong and then prior and the prior

and the carlin and then later it was Chris Rock and Seinfeld and in late 80s you know Kinnison and Dice my buddy dealt Coke and you go to the store

and I'd stroll in and see Dice early on and be like, that guy, never seen anything like it. Just look at two strangers and go, is that your girl? What a hole. You'd be like, whoa, man. And then they would get up, we're out of here. Get out of here, you're crying little hoar.

You know, and that kind of shit. And you're like, well, this is gangster. So I always wanted to do comedy. But I was a kid. Kids didn't do comedy. There wasn't like, you know, you don't go to a camp, like My Factory Comedy Camp, right? They didn't have that shit, man.

So I played rock and 25 years blew by. Boom. Then I got lucky I got that Ice Cube movie. This is about six years ago or so. And I'm two months in Treeport sitting in bleachers with earthquake and Garrett Morris. So not only am I meeting fucking Ice Cube, who I worshipped NWA, I'm looking at the first season Garrett Morris. That fucking guy was on Saturday

night live when I was a kid. Ant man. I don't live the thousand times my weight. I don't give a fuck. Get out of here. John Belushi is the Hulk farting. You know?

So I sit by Earthquake. Every couple days I go, hey, I want to do comedy. Like, what do I do? It's like, ah, man, you got to do open mics. Not giving me much. A couple more days. goodbye. What else? You got it right, man. You got it right. Write what? What do I do? Where do I go? Google it, man. Get out of here.

You know? But after a month, you said, you realized I was really interested in it. He goes, all right, I'll tell you what, man, you do this, you do that, you do this. You get good, come see me at the Comedy Union. I put you on. And the year went by, I went on every day. What was the Comedy Union? The comedy, the movie? No, no. What was it? The Comedy Union. Oh, the comedy union Yeah, he was doing a Wednesday night there You know

And he goes, you go and do open mics And look me up when you think you're ready So I looked him up, I went down Every day, 365 I did not miss a day Open mic every fucking day Never missed a day I looked him up

I knocked on the, I went down to the union I go, hey man, it's me Dean, he's all huh? I go, yeah, remember you told me if I was ready? I didn't think you were going to do it man I mean, I would have told you some real shit. I was just telling you dumb shit out there bored. But I went on and had a good set, you know, and for, you know, I'm on my fifth year.

Now I've almost done 2,500 spots, and I don't miss a day. Maybe 10 days out of the five years, you know. But every fucking day, everywhere. Man, I go to Bakersfield for a shit open mic, eight minutes. I heard they give you eight minutes in Bakersfield. I'm there all on a motorcycle. You know what I mean? Oh, I heard they give you 12 minutes down in the ghetto at this place called the family room.

No whites in there. I'm going. You know what I mean? They give you fried chicken. You ever doing that one? No. They're in some house in South Central, man. In a house they cook chicken in and you do comedy.

And if they like you, they throw dollars at you. It's awesome, man. I'm going to take leave down there. You got to go there, man. No, that sounds terrible. But I was going everywhere. Still right now, I just did eight days with Russell Peters. 10,000 people a night.

The day I got home, I went to Westwood, to the Irvine, or to the improv space and did an open mic just to get back on the ground. That audience isn't mine. You know what I mean? I want to make that audience mine, so I got to keep working, you know? Just ground. Five years in. Five years in.

God bless you. Next week. Actually, on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, is two-year anniversary of my name painted on that wall at the store. I got past November 27th, two years ago. And that was out of my life of doing everything I've done was the proudest day of my life. When you drive down Sunset Strip, you look to the right, my name's on that wall. Fucking mind-boggling. I never thought I'd get my name on that wall.

Right? I was there in 88, Snarton Co. drinking booze around those names. I didn't think I was ever even going to do comedy. There I am. I didn't think any of this shit was going to happen. I didn't think I'd be going to Philadelphia and selling our shows

and people telling me that the podcast has changed Lee's life. I didn't think half this shit that's going on right now. You know, you can't imagine this. You just keep... There's one point you come to term with being here and the things you have to do and you just put your head down and start doing them and things pop up.

You know, people always say, hey, what do you want me to say about you before I go on state? Don't say anything. Yeah. Say, coming to the stage, Joey Diaz, I'm a stand-up, you know. Credits don't mean anything. They don't. They really don't, you know. It's been fucking great, man.

I'm happy. I finally, and this is what really happened, guys. About a year ago, Jordan came up to me. Maybe a year and a half ago, Jordan comes up to me. He goes, hey, man, you know a lot about music. Why don't you talk to Dean Delroy? I don't know, I don't know, fucking Dean Delroy. He goes, he says he knows you.

I go, listen. What the fuck, you'll meet that? I don't know no Dean Delray. I knew you for years. Yeah. I just didn't know. I thought your name was Marty. I didn't know why Marty.

I was telling you to tell you the other day. I didn't know why Marty. You haven't made it as a Joey Diaz friend unless you have a nickname like Diagostino. Yeah, I didn't know. Fucking. Marty Dean Delray. I get so many guys confused. There's three or four Eric something.

There's a guy that does videos with people. He looks like. him, you remind me to him, so when I see, but finally I went to the store and all you guys were together, and I go, oh, fuck. I've been fucking up for a long fucking time. Because I don't know names, especially now. There's so many kids coming up and guys, you don't really know.

And then they finally tell you their name when they're then you're bump into them and go, oh, it's you. Okay, now I fucking get it. Brother, thank you. Oh, dude, comedy has saved my life. And, you know, between the Desquad people and Marin, And Burr, you, guys like Russell, Ian Edwards. I have, I mean, I was 44 years old in Hollywood

and played music all my life and stepped off the train. You want to talk about fucking insanity and noises in your head. You're in the Hollywood Hills in a fucking guest house sitting there going, now what? Now what, man? 25 fucking years playing music. What am I going to do? I don't have any friends here.

All my people have married and moved on. And then you slowly start to get these friends. And you go, fuck, man. Like a guy like you, we're similar age. We love music. I could talk to you for hours. I could do this till six. That's what I'm saying.

Hours, man. Maren, I could talk to that guy for, I mean, he is like music, comedy, all, you know, everything we can talk about. And I'm like, fuck, this is saving me. So I thank you, man, for having me on 100% days. I'll do it any time. I'd come do mine. Okay. I didn't know what days you do it.

I do it any day you want to do. You come over and you've got to come to my house because if you like Zeppelin, you're going to lose your mind. Red Band came over yesterday and he was like, I can't fucking believe. It's a rocked museum in my house of my entire life. You're going to see photos of me with Slash at fucking like 21 years. old, that's there. You know, Axel, me on a Harley at 18, going on some biker run, you know, on fucking meth.

Whatever, it's just a history in there. I'm meth. You ever do meth? Yeah. Yeah. I've done meth, speed. I don't fucking know. I've done it all. Yeah, just speed. I did some good speed in West Virginia.

One of the mountains with some dudes to a trailer. I thought they were going to get me blow. And I got some good. Coke and Idaho. Those fucking black people haters, they make some good meth up there. I know it's got beautiful women. Yeah. What the fuck's up with Idaho? They got the best women. It's like

1988 playboy. Just blondes with real boobs. Fucking women are getting beautiful and beautiful everywhere. Last week in Portland, there was some beautiful. There was a redhead who came down from Canada. I love 46. That was beautiful. She hasn't hit me up on Twitter or nothing. Oh. Oh my God.

She was beautiful. Not for that I want to fuck her or not. I got nothing for her. I'm just saying she didn't say thank you. Wait, are you married? Yeah, married. I got a two-year-old kid at my house. I'm fucking done. I'm done.

You know, this week in Philadelphia at the airport, I seen two black girls when I got off the plane that were working there. Oh. That were beautiful. Sunday morning, I bought a breakfast burrito from a chick from Ebolaville like she had the whole get-up on. Yeah. This chick was fucking hot, hot, beautiful sister.

Hot. Where are you, Boliville, you know, like Africa. She wasn't from fucking Philadelphia. Yeah, she wasn't. from Baltimore or whatever. He's from Louis Boliville. Joey killing me. That's a true.

Have you been to Prague? No, I don't have a passport. The felonies, they took them away. Oh, let me tell. Why, they got a bola there? No. What they got in Prague? Let me tell you something about Prague.

They got women. The most incredible women, I think, on the planet, come from the eastern block. And Prague is the capital man. So you got Russia, Budapest, Prague. Prague, everywhere you go. at McDonald's and Anna Kornikova is making your Big Mac. I'm telling you, on the fucking streets, on the hot dog stand, it's Anna Kornikova.

You got Anna Kornikova at the fucking Taco Bell. You got to drive in the bus. Wherever you go, what the fuck is this, man? Any of them could move to Beverly Hills. And rock this motherfucker. Rock this. Meanwhile, they're making hot dogs for $3 an hour. Can you believe it?

They don't even know. It's like when you go to Tennessee sometimes. You go up to the hills or something. And you see a blonde and you're like, that bitch don't know. Yeah. But if she went to sunset and just stood there, that'd be 18 car crashes. Yeah, I got to pull up and go, you're rich. Get in.

Get in. It's over for you. Yeah. This is the last time you're going to be able to walk down the fucking street. You understand? What do you got playing for tomorrow, Lisa? We have something in the morning and then just a gym, I think. Then I have Josh both.

You're all fucked up. I love it. Oh, yeah. You're just like, oh, he ate 10 milligrams. Don't fucking, don't fucking, don't fucking, he's nostalgic and shit. You do any Coke? No. No, he doesn't do it.

He's a good kid. How old are you? 26. Did you ever do any Coke? No, no, I never was, I barely did weed. I got some excess in the house. I'm going to spike him a fucking brownie with mushrooms and ecstasy. He did that to me already.

He gave me mushrooms and I thought they were weed. I'm going to give him a half a hit of ecstasy and put in like a mushroom brownie and send him home to his little Mexican girlfriend. Mushrooms are the best. She's going to fucking be on a plane to Mexico. This little Jew is going to sling some dick like a savage. You never did some excessy and gave somebody a stabbing? No. That little dick is going to get that little pink head will start going, wow, war, war.

You go home and show that shit to your girlfriend should go fucking bananas. Just tell her, open up wide, say, ah, it's over. You understand me? I want to do some shows with you, man. Like one week and you and I hit Sam Fran or something. Okay. That'd be dope, right? We'd just come in there and invade it.

I was just there, and I'm going to go back up there like in March or April 2 podcast. I was tweeting you. That's right. That's right. You were somewhere, you know, it's funny. I got us, Lee and I had to talk this morning. We're taking the podcast on the road in 2050. It's great.

We're going to New York, Philadelphia, New Jersey, Chicago, San Francisco, Sacramento, Modesto. Let me tell you. In San Diego. My favorite women. And Las Vegas. My favorite women are Jersey. Isn't it weird? Jesus Christ.

I love Jersey women. And you hook up with them all the time? I try, you know, but I'm not out there. You're too nice. You're too nice and you've got to have like a missing fucking eye. You have a union job, a missing eye. It's that look, that Jersey woman look, you know what I mean? I love that.

They all look, they all have the same look. Like Prague has the same look. I can meet a woman and go, you're from Jersey. They go, oh, how do you know? I just like East Coast girls. Me too. I'm an East Coast girl guy, man I like classy women that dress nice

They got their own job I don't need to see your tities And everything hanging out I like like a Sophia Coppola You want them to hide those tities I like when they hide their titties too Yeah, hidden treasures I love when they hide their tities

That shows your fucking confidence I love that And they got their own gig Yeah That's a beautiful thing That turns me on more than a chick That has her fucking cleaver job I don't need that

I like women with power Yeah me too They go, I got my own company. I don't care what you got. I don't need it. If we like each other, it's a on. We're a team. We're a power couple.

I like that too, but I found in the East Coast a lot of girls get, like, I never, I fought all the time with all my ex-girlfriends from Boston. I get out here. I haven't fought once with Paula. Like, I don't know if they're more high-strunger, or maybe I was dating bad ones, but the East Coast ones was fighting out of time. Because you're not eating their asshole. Yeah.

And now this one don't let you eat her ass though. She don't like it, so you got friends now. You don't eat butter. I got to bend over. show you that fucking muffler. He already said. I go, you don't need a bet, and he goes, I'd rather not. He'd rather not doing anything.

I love you, brother. Thank you. I love you. Thank you, man, rock and roll. I want to thank on it. I want to thank iron dragon TV.com, hit eSigs.com, and nailed the life. Where are you at next week? You're on the road?

Anyway, we want to push it? Yeah, what do we got here? Oh, I'm going to be in Indianapolis with Russell Peters at Crackers, December 4, 5, and 6. That was my gig, and Russell bumped me that cock-sucker. I'm going in March. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Because he's getting ready for the garden.

So, yeah. Crackers downtown, not the other one. Please come see me, meet me, and hang out, man. Tell some rock stories, cock suckers. And listen to my podcast. Let there be talk on all things,

comedy. And then this Wednesday we're doing a live podcast. The guest is Joe Rogan. And Thursday, Thanksgiving. We're doing a special fucking thing here at 9 o'clock when I bring some turkey sandwiches. Oh, that's dope.

Yeah, and just talk some shit on Thanksgiving night. You know, if you're around, get a call. I'll come down. I feed the homeless every year on Thanksgiving at the LaFleger. Yeah. But I'll come. I can't take that. I can't take that shit down there. It drives me crazy. I tell you why, you get a sore arm.

I always get fucking the mashed potatoes. No, I want to hit them in the fucking head. They're too fucking picky, and they give you the evil eye. Fuck you. You're getting a free piece of turkey, and you give me fucking attitude. Fuck you. I'm walking out of the house to be nice to you. The one year I went down there, they were, fuck you.

and I'll come by the house I'll give you a turkey sandwich I love you stay black again to all my sponsors we love you one more time to Dean Delray

on it Iron Dragon TV HittySigs.com and nail the life stay black see you Wednesday night at the motherfucking world famous ice house 8.30 p.m.

be there or B. Square Lee is going deeper than deep that night. Again you just glazed over that's a fun guest for Wednesday I'm excited yeah fuck it we're doing it I'm gonna do the first set

Fuck, I brought him on stage at the comedy store last week. Tremendous. And it was incredible to bring him up. And then the guy, that stuff he was doing was killing me. He's got this new stuff about just internet bloggers or YouTube commenters and stuff. And I was dying, man. Guy's fucking great. Beautiful.

Hit it. Docsuck. All right. This show is brought to you by... Oh, that's some time. So it's brought to you by Onit.com. Use Cobra Church to get 10% off. If you go to hit eSigs.com, that's hit the letter E.sigs.com. You're going to get 20% off of the best E.cigs and e-cigars.

Better tasting, longer lasting. The proof is in the vape. Use Cobra Joe's Church to get 20% off. Go to NailedatLife.com. That's nailed at life.com. And use Cobbord Joey D.S. to get 20% off of the premier vapor pen on the market. It's good for oil and for wax. and go to iron dragon tv.com

and use code word Joey to get two free rentals of any of their martial art movies in the 8-man series it's Joey and you get two free rentals and you get two free rentals. Awesome.