The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #237 - Joey Diaz, Tiffany Haddish and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 8, 2014

  Tiffany Haddish, Comedian, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  Super Bad -James Brown I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet When The Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin Recorded on 12/07/2014

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Go to Iron Dragon TV.com and use co-word Joey to get two free rentals. Oh shit. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Oh. Sunday night edition. Monday morning cock-suckers. Grab your cock.

Salute the flag, motherfuckers. Oh shit. It's dropping. Grab it. Motherfucker. I'm super bad. You're super bad. What?

The church, Lysayette. Tiffany Haddish dropping it on a Sunday night for you. You were going to sit there like a mud on the couch. For what? They're laying in bed with insomnia. Twelve days to Christmas. Fuck that shit. You're a bad motherfucker.

You think James Brown had doubts? Play that shit. He was black. He had fucked up hair. But he took it to the hoop every night. What? What? What?

And I'm super bad. What you know about this, Lee? What the fuck you think you're dealing with? Huh? Oh, bananas? It's a Sunday night, motherfucker. Woo! Did you ever see the movie of this?

What is the fuck about movies? I'm talking about reality. Feel it. Feel this thing. Your fucking heart-cock, fuck us. I'm super bad. Uh-huh. Hey.

I said I'm super bad. There you go. That was in my fucking seven when this came out. I still remember walking from 205 West. 88th Street for like a hundred and fucking 12 to some music store to buy it. It fucking just puts me there on a Sunday night tremendous.

What's happening, people? I can't call it. Leah Syatt and I went to Vegas this weekend. Oh yeah. I was going to do... Thank you for inviting me. No, please. You were going to sit at home. The girlfriend was fucking studying all weekend, right? I said, fuck it, let's go. I was going to do Friday night at South Point. South Point, dirty at 12.30,

which will get you on. We'll get you in the rotation. What you mean? By the way? I've been to Vegas like four or five times now. Every time I go to the South Point, I like it more. I hate the strip. The rooms are beautiful. You're out the fucking thing. You take a cab and you're away from everybody.

You want a party. There's no need to go to the strip. They have a movie theater, a bowling alley, bars, a ton of restaurants. Now, that sounds awesome. They got a movie theater. So when you perform there over the weekend, you just go to the lobby, go upstairs. They got midnight bowling. So if you bring your date with you,

whatever fuck you want to bring you bowl them, then you fucking suck his asshole. Hey! You better be my husband. I'm sucking assholes. That's an ass shit. Thank you. I'll massage it.

I ain't going to suck it. I might kiss it. That's disgusting on a Sunday night. You get stuck on a Sunday night. You can't stick up nobody's ass on a Sunday. That's when the devil shows up. Yeah. That's how you get tetanus of the tongue.

What did you lose, Copsuck? How much? 200. That's it. All together. Stop. No, yeah, that's all. Plus what?

Bust the money in the sock. No, no, I just... Stop it. But, it's... Every 20, it killed you. You can hear it in your voice. It doesn't kill me. I'm just doing it for fun now, but it's like, I went to a different hotel last night

because I got to stay for the fights, and, like, the degenerate gamblers there were just crazy. They had conspirator. The casino was conspiring against them, and this guy lost $7,000. I'm like, I just want to have fun. Damn. So $200 to me, that's not going to... It was fun. But I had a great time.

I had always heard about Vegas. Vegas, Vegas. Wait, you go to Vegas. You're going to have a great time in Vegas. The first time I went to Vegas, I don't know it was the Coke I had. But from the time I got off the plane, to the time I got to the hotel, I just didn't feel right. And I went up to the hotel.

I don't remember what hotel I stayed at. We flew from Newark to, I think I stayed for two days. and I remember always feeling uneasy. And then I went back with some guys that were decent guys, and I didn't do drugs. And I don't know. I just, I saw what I always didn't want to be, like that thing I didn't want to be at the time,

so it always scared me a little bit too much. Because that could have been me. I could have been hanging out the sports books with tickets ripping them up in the fucking air, with porn tickets in my thing. Yeah. My wife calling me, where's the fucking lunch money? That could have been me.

I had an addictive personality. And I went through that in an early age. But then I realized I didn't like giving up my money. I didn't fucking like it. I didn't like giving somebody money on a Thursday because I'd bet on some fucking basketball team and they didn't cover the spread. So I don't know.

I just never felt easy in Vegas. Right. Whether I went and got taken care of, it didn't matter. It just never felt... No, a lot of people don't like it. But the food is great. I called my mom today on the drive.

back and I was like thank you for not taking me to casinos there was a lot of kids there this weekend like little babies cigarettes and shit there was one lady carrying one breastfeeding one with that fucking addictive personality in the air he's sucking your titty and he's sucking out of air

he's sucking he's sucking addictive with cancer and other carcinogens and shit yeah foot fungus and I don't know I don't know what kids do there and token later old It says, oh, there's a bunch of stuff to do, but the parents who are there don't want to go to, like, the kid stuff. Well, they drop you off.

I went there when I was a kid. My very first time there, I was like six or seven. And we went to circus, circus, and they have, like, a daycare. And you play with a bunch of other strange kids whose parents don't give a fuck. And you spend a lot of time there. And you wait for them to come back and get you. That's crazy. And that's what happens.

I don't have a need to go to Vegas and take the beach. baby. And there's my wife. I offered her. I said, do you want to come for this trip? We'll take a Southwest fly. Be there now and she was like, I really don't want to take, you know.

I don't have a need to walk through a fucking casino with my child. But that's me. Everybody has different ideas on whatever. Everybody has different needs. People want to go to a pool. Whatever the fuck. Yeah. Yeah.

Ours was my mom and dad at the time, stepdad. They were broke. And so the cheapest thing to do was get like a room. Vegas. We go through circus, circus. They drop us off with a little daycare. Then they go gamble or whatever. Or maybe they go back to the room and fuck. I don't know. And then we all go back to the hotel room. We eat at a buffet and then we all go back to the hotel room. And yeah. That's what happened. Well, I was a kid. They didn't take me to Vegas, but they took me in Miami Beach. What titties was everywhere and asked.

This is the 70s, the mid-70s. There was bikinis. There was bikinis. There wasn't. nude beach then that I knew as a child. There's a lot of hairy armpits and hairy crotchy. I would see bikinis and I'd be curious. I'm not going to lie. And I saw a rat one time that always stayed with me by the pool at the Hawaiian Isles or whatever the fuck it was at the time. They had seven pools.

So every year, what we did was I would go down there the first week of July and I'd stay down for like a week and a half, two weeks. And then the following weekend, my mother would come down from New York and we'd rent a hotel with Miami. family on the beach and we'd get a different hotel but it was all up to the kids because we'd pool hop at night it was from a shitty hotel to the Newport Hotel and

we just go down South Miami Beach this is 30 fucking years before South Beach ever was hit this is North Miami Beach the old Miami Beach and I remember going from like the castaways but the castaways I think don't quote me on this at seven swimming pools that's Swimming pools were always fun as a kid. That's the fucking law for me. I was a New York City kid. I always want, you know, my cousins could walk barefoot in the sun.

I couldn't fucking do that as a kid. Because your feet burned? Yeah, my feet were burned. They would walk for a mile with those fucking feet on thick because they were used to it. I was never used to that type of shit. It used to drive me crazy. So I liked all that swimming and stuff. And I remember being by the pool one night, like 9.30, being like 9 and shit.

and I'm from New York City I've killed some rats and I'm sitting there I ain't nothing At the time that's what you did As a kid in New York City You killed rats How?

Like one every summer would pop out And you chase it And fucking get behind the car And then you'd corner it with sticks And you fucking throw rocks at it And you hit with more sticks Then you drag it out And you keep hitting it

And then cars would drive over it And then you put it somewhere Where a car would drive over it Then you dragged it back with the stick and you hit it more. Then you put it with rocks. Then you got some glue or gasoline and you pour it on and you let it on fire. And then once you turned it off, you hit it with some more fucking sticks. That's how, Lee.

Like I slattered as shit. I just have this image of like you looking the same but being really short. Just kidding with sticks. It'd be like 20 Puerto Rican kids. Oh my God. But I remember being on the beach one night and just looking at the ocean. I wasn't on the beach. I was a scary cat.

Okay, so this is the beach. This is a wall. There's a place where people could lie, you know, like when they lie like this and get the sun like backwards on those beach chairs and they went around the pool. I was in this way looking at the ocean. And I saw I'm sitting there, right? Mind my own fucking business.

I look over. I see something moving. I'm like, that ain't nothing moving. Lee, this had to be probably a fucking foot and a half rat. Oh, no. And I saw his little tail squirming. I just froze. I had seen him in New York pretty big, but this one took the fucking cake.

Jesus. I don't know if I've ever seen a rat. Oh, my God. He just ran, and he ran for a beach. You've never seen a rat? I don't know. I mean, I lived in Boston, but I don't... I think I might have seen him in New York in the subway, but not, like, huge like that.

Then about five minutes later, I heard... And the crab was chasing him down. Fucking, like, a little crab walking backwards. Whatever the fuck they're doing. I'm like, I'm out of here. That was it for me. No more Miami Beach. This is real, Jack.

You know, I like going to the beach and picking up seashells and shit and listening. Like a retod. But this is fucking real. Where'd you grow up, Tiffany had it? I grew up in South Central Los Angeles. Oh, shit. Yeah. Born and raised?

Born and raised. I always lived in L.A. High school. I went to El Camino Real High School in Woodland Hills, California. I was bused. I was best to get up every morning at 5 a.m. And walk down to the bus stop. and yeah, go to school.

Okay, so they bust you from... South Central to Woodland Hills. Now, where you grew up, you know, Lee always talks about where his girlfriend lived and where they moved from. In contrast to what America sees on television, where is this film where you grew up? What TV show have you seen him go?

That's why I grew up. Like where Moisha was living, like Moesha, that TV show Moesha with Brandi. she was living in Lamert Park area so I'm like right down the street from there Lamarck Park is Alvarado No not Alvarado is Crenshaw Okay I'm off of Crenshaw

Paula always brings up training day Is it like that? That's the jungles I lived in the jungles for a little bit That's on the other side of the Crenshaw Ma Where I grew up mostly Where I spent the majority of my time Was over by the Sloss and Swatme

Or where the Coliseum I believe yeah the Coliseum is right down the street That's like two miles away. USC. Yeah. And they bussed you from down there to Woodland Hills. Who made that decision? The state, the city?

I guess my school. I don't know. They had passed out some papers called Choices. But this is to integrate black children and white neighborhoods and vice versa. I didn't see that white kids come to our city. They did that in Massachusetts where I grew up. They didn't send white kids. They sent kids from the city to the suburbs.

Yeah, they sent nice white kids and that they sent fucking blacks and Puerto Ricans. No Puerto Ricans, a couple Asians. You sit there and go, what the fuck is this? What we do? We deserve this fucking shit. No, they just sent it.

They just sent black kids and Hispanic kids into Willing Hills, but I don't remember them sending any to L.A. At all. No, no. Because our schools were overcrowded, they were saying. And so at first I got sent to Hale Middle School

once I had graduated from elementary I went to Hell Middle School and that was interesting yeah that was my first time around a lot of white people I thought that white people lived in TV

that's what I thought like in my mind all white people lived in TV and whenever the police will go by or someone I'd be like oh look they're going to guy from chips

this is so fucking cool like you know or if the social worker showed up I'd be like oh my goodness she was on murder she wrote I think she was on murder

she wrote like everybody I associated with people on television that's just what I did so when I went to hell middle school and it's like all white it's in Whitling Hills oh my god

and I get there and I'm like oh my goodness I'm at the Nickelodeon Awards this is so cool I need to dress better like so I wore my like church dress for the next three days like I was really around a bunch of celebrities and then I made a friend and I found out that her mama get food stamps too and I was like oh shit you just like my mama

y'all ain't shit yeah white chick and her mama have food stamps and I was like wow Well, anyway, when did you decide that you liked movies and all this shit that we do? When I decided I like comedy? Yeah, in high school. Yeah, comedy, yeah, I decided in high school. Like entertaining people that happened to me in sixth grade.

It was Black History Month, right? And I was Diana Ross and my two friends that were twins was the Supremes behind me, right? And we was dressed all sexy and stuff looking all good, big hair, everything, I ain't looking as sexy as a sixth grader can look. You know what I'm saying? And I had on hills. Now, we had been doing shows. We had already did like five shows and kilted every show.

Everybody clapped for us, the first graders, third graders. They loved us, right? So then we're doing the parents program. And the boy did I like a lot is at this show. He's sitting right in the front. Okay. I come out as Diana Ross. I'm like, stop in the name of love.

before you break my heart and I'm singing it all hard and stuff even though the record player is playing way louder than my little microphone but I'm singing it from my heart and we move to the side and me and the girls had talked about this if somebody far we all fall like it's a part of the act right

so we take two steps to the side I fall I slip over the court fall down leg goes over the side of the stage dress up everybody see my flower panties I kick the record player I kick the record player when I try to get back up on the stage

and then the boy I liked is just looking at me and I turn around and look at the audience and I look at these bitches they're looking at me like damn bitch you just showed your ass right they didn't say that we was in sixth grade they was just like oh my god and then I just looked at everybody

and I started crying and I run to the back and then my sixth grade teacher Miss Matoia she come back there and she got a big ass moat she got a mold like I got but hers like has an eyeballs and shit like it's another a person and she come back there and she pointed her finger in my face.

She goes, you're going to sit back here and cry like a punk or you're going to get your ass on that stage and finish this goddamn song. You got to finish the song and I was like, oh no, wow. She's like, you're going to see you going to cry like a punk? You're going to cry like a punk? Are you a punk? Are you a punk? And I was like, no, I'm not a punk.

She's like, get your ass up and get back on the stage. So I get up, I go back on the stage. They have fixed the record player by then. Boom, the song comes on. The curtains open, right? And I'm singing, but it's 10. ears coming down my face is the whole audience gets up and they start clapping and shit and I hear this one lady she's like that girl got courage that girl got courage and I'm like stop in the name of love

I'm crying through the whole thing and then the boy that I liked was like afterwards but the thing that made me decide though to be an entertainer was that it felt super good for all of them people to stand up and clap for me and I'm crying and that lady said I had courage and I was like I'm always going to, I said to myself in that moment, I always want to feel like this, and I always am going to have that thing that's going to push me through no matter what. But then the boy that I liked,

right, he came up, he said, you look so beautiful when you first came out and then you fell, and I thought that was funny. But then I saw your panties, and I was like, dang, she's got on some nice panties. I was like, you think my panties were nice. How old were you?

Twelve. You were dirty, freaky. I was 12. That was the sixth grade. And then he said, yeah, you had some nice flower panties. And then, but he said, but when you started to cry, that was ugly. That was really, really ugly. And then he said, but then when you came back out and those tears were running down your face,

I thought to myself, yeah, Tiffany's really beautiful. And that's like the first time a boy said I was beautiful. And I was like, you think so? And I tried to kiss me. He's like, what the fuck is you doing? And he just mushed my face. But. What did you want to be at 12?

I was just thinking about that. I don't know. I've veterinarian for a while, but I didn't think I could, like, cut open, like, an animal. What kind of animal did you have at the house? I didn't. I didn't have a dog until I was, like, 13 or 14. That was when I first got my dog.

What did you want to do at 10? Did you want to be a superhero ever, a comedian? Did you want to paint cars? Did you? Yeah. I had jobs. Like, in second grade, I started at a weeding company. I did, like, three jobs.

I put a sign up at the end of my driveway. and like my parents' friends would hire me to weed their gardens. Oh, you were a gardener. For like two days. I always had little jobs. Look at you, Mexican for two days. Pretty much. Yeah.

I always had little businesses. Like, I thought right when the internet came out, my dad had got one of the first computers. And I thought we could do a business where we could print out stuff people wanted to read and sell them the pages. I don't know. Why do you ask me these questions when I'm super high? Because I didn't, I'm sitting here, listen to Tiffany, I didn't know what, we had never discussed it. You wanted to be at 12. Did you ever think you'd be doing this?

Like, what age did you record? My dad was doing this when I was that age. My dad did radio for 25 years, probably up until I was like 15. And I still, to this day, I can't listen to the podcast I'm on because I hate the sound of my voice. Why it's so sexy? Thank you. Now, when did you decide to go to the entertainment college? I decided to do that

Up until my junior year of high school I thought I was going to go into marketing Just because I thought it was like a real job But I had always I had done every single Video Production class in my high school So much that I started I was a TA like an assistant My junior and senior year

And I went to visit a couple colleges Like Bentley, a business college And it was just so boring I didn't like it And I went to see Emerson and just decided to go for it. I think I got 12 and wanted to be a soldier. Jesus.

What kind of soldier? Like a soldier? Just like a G.I. Joe type soldier? Jesus. Like I thought that's what I was supposed to do to go to the service. And I'd come out and do something else. I didn't know.

It was like a blind alliance. Did you hear what's happening a lot now? What's happened? There's people dressing up in fake army uniforms and going out and trying to get free stuff. And there's this one dude who put a video up like taunting people. Like I'm still going to,

to do it. It's called like stolen valor or something. People pretending there's their soldiers. People have been doing it for 20 fucking thousand years. Get those people that join the service and then realize it's not for them but they hurt something. But now every time you see them they wear the fucking outfit and they tell you how they went to boot camp and then they almost got deployed but they got the flu. They tell you some story. It's, you know, it's this fucked up thing. I didn't know. I didn't know. why I wanted to be a soldier. I just thought that's what you did, you know, at that age. When did you decide to become a comedian?

I don't know. I really don't know. I really don't fucking know. By the age of like 12 or 13, I had already heard prior. I had already heard that. And it was mind-boggling. It was mind-boggling. We were saying. It was mind-boggling that you got on a stage and said that. But it was the farthest thing from my fucking mind, you know? it was nowhere even in the horizon. I thought I would either be a soldier or go to school and be an attorney. Again, it was Blind Alliance.

Allegiance. I didn't know what it entailed. I didn't know you had to go to seven years of fucking law school. No. So it's just interesting. You would be a great lawyer. No, I always wanted to be a lawyer. That was my deal.

If you would do all the reading and all that shit, you got to do? That would have been fun. School to me was always very simple. I got left back, not because I was stupid. in the seventh grade, but because I fell in love with pussy,

and it just took me. Like, it just took me. I mean, technically, it just took me. Snatched you up. And she wasn't really giving me pussy. She was just giving me the whiff. She was letting me dry up her and sniff her tities. And every once in a while I just touch right above,

just grab a little hair. Like, just below the panty, I just grab a little hair, and she grabbed my hand. It was crazy, and I just got under. It was over, Tiffany had it. Wait, once you got in, it was that was it. You hooked up? You know, that shit could be like cracked.

You know, when you're fucking 11 or 12, what do you think you do? You don't know what the fuck you do. This is all experimental. Right before you do a one-man show, you take it to the Comedy Central stage, and you do experimental shit. You don't know what the fuck you're doing. You read about in magazines, whatever you hear from your parents, whatever you hear on the street from the city pervert,

you know, the sidewalk pervert That's what you do I don't know if you sniff a tit I don't know You sounded like you remembered sniffing a tit Well I got into that fetish later on When I got like 13 I would go to women's houses

That I knew Like my mom's friends And I'd ask to go to the bathroom I'd lock the door And in those days Women would always have Two things in the bathroom In those days every woman had a douchebag

Hanging from the fucking shower They would hang those duse bags? Yeah, like a a bag, hot water bottle with a tube, with a fucking head, with things with a sprinkler at the end. I never sniffed one of those. I always looked at it and thought about it.

I ain't going to sit here and tell you, I never thought about sniffing the fucking handle on a douchebag, but I wasn't that perverted. I wasn't that gone. That's just going to sound like vinegar. Yeah, I was settled with the bra. I got very tight with the bra. Like, I would sniff the middle of the bra and get dizzy and shit.

So that was my thing. Nipple sweat. Yeah, it was. It was just, you know, I always think that's very interesting to think back what you really want to do at 12. Then what you popped in your fucking head, what you wanted to do at 16. Right. Isn't it 16, you hear your fucking moron friends talking? And you're like, at 16, now at 16, what were you thinking?

Marketing. But it, yeah. I was thinking some sort of entertainer, but I didn't know what. I knew I wanted to be an entertainer. Singing, dancing, getting into. I didn't know what, but something. Whatever. Did you go to college?

I felt like, yeah, I went to community college for a little bit. I got accepted in the NYU, but I didn't go because I didn't want to leave my brothers and sisters behind. I didn't want to leave the state. I was scared, too. So I just went to Santa Monica, and I was like a freshman there, and they let me be in a play, and they don't even let freshmen's in place at junior college, but they let me in. Because I'm talented. And that was it.

And that was it. I was on it. I mean, then I'll start working at an airline for a little bit, but yeah. What airline did you work at? I worked at American Air New Zealand and Alaska. Out of LAX? Yes, LAX. And what did you do from?

I was customer service. I provided excellent service, too. It's the best. Jesus Christ. What year did you quit over there? 2003? No shit? Mm-hmm.

Did you get fly benefits and everything? Yeah. It was pretty nice. It's not. Yeah, it was nice. I traveled around. did, you know, this little ratchettiness here and there.

And, yeah. You weren't doing comedy then, though. I started doing comedy in 2001, 2001 or two? Now, we hooked up in 2005. It was friends, you, myself, Ralphie Mae. That's what we met. And we were discussing the time we went outside in front of a live factory.

We had a showcase. We were all at the same agency at the time. And we had a showcase. And after we were in front of there. And if I remember good nights in Hollywood, it was one of those nights where you're just talking to people and just have, and nobody else mattered. It was just me, you and Ralphie. Telling you had nappy hair then. Yeah.

Your shit wasn't tight, but you were very beautiful. I remember going, this fucking little chick is fucking badass. And you were just dropping truth, which a lot of people don't do in this town, you know. You were talking about your struggles before and what a woman has to do, and it's, uh, You don't hear that much anymore. That party alignment. And what guys have to do? You know, I did some fucked up shit from 21 to 25, you know.

You do it. Some of you remember. Some you don't fucking remember. You know, you do some crap. One time getting evicted from a motherfucking hotel. For what? I had known it because I didn't have the rent. When I left there, I told them I'd have the rent at one.

I got paid at five. I was working for a brick mason. I worked all fucking week for maybe $250 carrying bricks and making mortar I knew I was going to leave it was 1985

I knew I was leaving Jersey and I get to the hotel and I go what's up man they go hey man we threw you out some Indian guys like we threw you out your stuff is in front of the hotel and at that time I had a duffel bag and that was everything guys

I had an army duffel bag a blue army duffel bag that had been around the world and back scam, on back the cars, you know. That thing had been everywhere, and I go over there and there it is. The Army is right there. But I listen to the door, and there's something going on in there. So I still had the key.

I stuck the key, and I opened the door, and I hear a girl giggling and a guy, and I look, and they're in the shower, fucking. And the steam is coming out, and I look at the bed, and they've been fucking. I look at the bureau, and there's a wallet. and then bill filled with fucking money. I just take the fucking money. I take the fucking wallet. I close the door gently.

I grab that duffel bag and I run like a motherfucker. I run like a motherfucker. Across route, four, whatever is going into the George Washington Bridge. There I am running with this fucking thing. I make a left, the fucking right. And right there, right in that area like I saw a cab. And I go, dog, let's take it.

going to the city. I look in the envelope and it's fucking 50s and hundreds. Yeah, that was that prostitutes money. She's mad as she? No, it was like a... The money they brought from vacation. Like a bag money. It wasn't, it was a brand new 50s and hundreds. He might have been

a politician about to pay this home. I paid the guy, 50 bucks. He took me into Port Authority in New York. I walked up the corner. I checked the blue fucking duffel bag and Port Authority there. There used to be lockers. Boom. I put the lock and 78th. I cleaned out the

wallet, running the men's bathroom. I took the fucking cash out of the envelope. It must have been like $4,000 on a Friday night at 6 o'clock. Here I'm carrying bricks for $2.50 a fucking week. I remember fucking going to my neighbor, buying a bag of rock. Walking two

more blocks, buying a bag of fucking refit. That's when I used to go right by the Carvel there, and there was a dude who sold chocolate tie weed, and then like three blocks down, you bought some powder, and I went right back to Port Authority. Checked my fucking bag out of the thing. Got right back on the bus, right back to Fort Lee, got a cab.

And he took me to a hotel like three down from the hotel I had just robbed. From the gas station, I had robbed three weeks early. Whoa. I had robbed that gas station right by the hotel three weeks early. You're not a gunpoint. Wow. I did an app. This is fucking craziness.

So what I'm trying to say to you is we do crazy things in our life that. Right now you think about it and go, Joey, that was pretty fucking sleazy. maybe those people put away the money who didn't give a fuck at that night probably got beat up yeah at that night that was no I don't know if she was a hooker maybe they were lovers maybe who fucking knows

what that man is accusing her probably to this day of stealing his shit she probably he's like he didn't in her pussy I know it like whoever was looking over me the guardian angel that night I went in and out of there like they fucking got out of bed and go what happened to my money

I don't know I put no I left on to Jesus do you think so Oh my God, call the police. At that time, I would have called a... And I was stupid in hindsight. I went to a hotel like three, but it was a nicer type of hotel. I checked on those days, you have to have ID.

No. You just told me, your name was fucking Jerry LaBamba. Boom. Boom. How many times did you just run into hundreds and thousands of dollars? You've told me like seven stories. I know. He always got a theft story.

It was an uncanny thing. Like, you have to think you have some type of guardian angel. So, like, we were at the UFC, and that tip jar, would you have taken that before? No, no, no, no, no, no, I wasn't to that level. No, okay. No, no, no, no. I'm a UFC sitting down having a good time, or you take a tip jar. They're going to, everything's on camera.

Well, I know now, but I'm just saying back then. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know. I'm not saying now you're going to steal anything. You don't need to steal anything now. No, no. I'm not laughing because I took a tip jar. I'm laughing about a dear friend of mine

that said one night he was in the club and I have another dear friend he's no longer with us but I love them like a brother one of my all-time favorite people Tiffany Addison he was crazy this guy was like five foot six and he was fucking yoked up he had been doing steroids

since he was 15 the dudes he were doing steroids with were gay and he was sharing a needle he ended up getting hepatitis C this motherfucker didn't give a fuck we'd be at a bar drinking snorting coat and I go

D-Money Darren take off your shirt do push-ups And he takes your At a bar packed in Jersey Take off his shirts Do push-up I tell him

Jump on the bar Do the crab He jump up there We loved them He was tougher than shit Oh my God My point I'm fucking high than fuck

Oh I know So I had never been to UFC before Like thank you He's not gonna listen But thank you to Jeff For giving me the tickets But I get to the hotel

Before we even go up to the room You break out of a join then you take me up and give me half a cheap achieve what you. I did not give you a half. It was at least a third. It was a third. I didn't give you half because I knew you couldn't handle what happens to you a year. When I give you a half of the 70s, you can't handle it.

No. So I would never do that to you. During the thing, you would have an anxiety attack, which you already had. During the intro of the UFC, Tiffany, it's so strong. Like, it's so, the music, the fucking videos, the music, it's so strong. And I knew it would take it. takes me still. That's my favorite part.

That's my favorite part of the whole fucking night. It's closing my eyes and being eye and the fucking music, the speakers. Yeah, that vibration. It's the natural. That activates your blood.

Except for that girl behind us. That girl made me laugh so much because she was so terrible. Like she was like the comedian in the group, but she was saying awful jokes. Like kick him in the dick and she thought it was hysterical. Doing an all like,

ha, ha, ha, ha. The whole. Every once in a while I would look She would get into my fucking Head, Tiffany And I would look and I would just look away Like I didn't even get involved I'm that girl though

The worst thing you can do with those things Is mingle with people Right Because once you mingle with them You ain't gonna shut them the fuck up I know this some known comedy Yeah Hi what's your name, whatever

Okay, hi And you just look straight And they'll get the hint Yeah They'll get the fucking hint After two minutes I listen I ain't hear the fucking

make friends, okay? I'm here to watch the U.S.C. You want to ask questions. Not now. Ask him some other fucking time. Ask me by the bar. But right now I'm watching this. But there's an attitude you have to take.

If not, I'm sorry, they'll keep fucking harassing you, dog. And he was just drunk and he was a sweetheart of a guy, but that's a great fight. What do you want to talk about? What do you want to talk about now? What do you want to what part? What matter? Right now, right now you want to get biography. Or maybe she was like how I am.

I'd like to, like, yell out things to make men feel like they less than when I'm watching them at sporting events. No, really? Yeah. I like to, like, what you call it, like, to belittle them. I'd be like, yeah, look at that ass. Your ass so tightening them pants. Go on number 47, yes. Oh, them balls just hit them in the neck.

Oh, shit. You shack that dick. Like, I like saying stuff like that. No, no. This is a shit guy. This is a white event. He's a wider than white people. That dude had a golden phone receiver.

over his neck. He would point out people that were dressed weirdly and he would just be like, what do you think his asshole smells like? Look at this fucking moot. There was a guy. I mean, listen, those tickets that we had were $1,200 seats. I know. They sift people out.

I don't know. What is this? What did he say? I think it's a thousand. Yeah, a thousand base. These people are not animals. So these four chicks paid $800,000. a ticket, they came from whatever hell

whole, listen, at 8,000 a ticket, if you want to take your pussy out just pick a fucking drill in it, I can't say nothing to you. You know, at those events, unless you break my air, there's nothing I could say because I have the same, but remember,

but remember, that goes two ways. I could do, I could get dirty and I can get stupid, so when I start yelling, I hope your mother gets hit by a train, I hope you get cancer in your assholes, and you start crying because your aunt, Lucille, died of cancer 18 years ago when I was a little girl

because you got three vodka martinis in you. Don't fuck with me either. You understand me? That goes two ways. So I could fall into the game, but me, I'm a professional. I got a cheaper chewing me. I got voices in my head no matter what. I'm watching motherfuckers get beat up.

I'm thinking about the next move. We walk in and that you get kicked in the head. Yeah, the guy, John Salmon, Oh, shit. Fucking knocks this motherfucker out with a head kick. Beautiful. Right from the book. Whatever you need to do on the street,

whatever you do for a living, you want to kick somebody in the head. Watch that fucking footage from last night. That was the opening fight that we saw. Then you were a fire in favor, and then there was a little break. Then it opened up with all those other guys. We saw the main car.

We were very fortunate to go. You know, Joe gets six tickets. But even when we got there, there was a guy sitting next to me. You saw him. He started asking me question. I thought you knew that guy. No, I don't know nobody.

Oh, you didn't know him? No, I don't know nobody. I don't know nobody. No, my. Because he said, hey, Joey, you're like, hey, buddy, I thought you were friends. I'm not there to mingle. I'm not there to take pictures. I'm there as a fan just like you.

Why are you fucking with me? You know what I'm saying? Why are you fucking with me? And the area was cool. The dudes in front of me was cool. Everybody was cool. Yeah. The chick, they shut the fuck up after a while.

Oh, no, it was fine. They could not out talk. There's no woman. I'll talk at a UFC event. Is it just me or does UFC fighting look like raped? It looks like rape to me. It looks like man rape.

It's just a different type of battle now. You know, we evolved as human beings. You want to see more shit. In 30 years, maybe we'll see motherfucked and fighting with a knife. That's what I'm waiting. It did feel like a gladiator thing. Like when I was there.

It's very strong. It's a very strong. When people fighting to the death in Greece, I was like, oh. And then do you remember when that guy got kicked in the stomach? and you couldn't hear a lot of the punches but it went crack right in the stomach it was like one of the last fights

Gilbert Millianism Maybe That was a great fight I flew back this morning with Big John McCarthy Okay I flew back on the first flight as usual Fuck it 655 like a motherfucker out of Vegas

Get out of it Yeah that's crazy Fuck you I walked right through the whole thing There wasn't a soul there What did I get to eat? Yogurt and the cup That's what I ate this morning I didn't want to go too crazy.

We ate pretty nice. How bad were your farts last night? This morning, I mean, after the... No, my fart. I ate chicken, dog. No, you had yogurt. Yeah, but my fart, that's tremendous. It balances me out, the pH in my stomach.

I'm sorry. I ate chicken last night. I didn't eat chicken. Yeah, you didn't have chicken. I was surprised. No, no, no, I can't eat steak and then go to bed. That's not good, Tiffany. I'm 51 o'clock.

Not until the clock shit makes your body work harder at night. You don't get a good night's sleep. I already have problems. I already got insomnia. I'm already only going to sleep fucking three hours, you know what about that? The white soccer mom in the elevator up to your room who you told to stay black? Oh my God. No, you were, okay, first he was telling us white soccer.

She drives like a Lexus SUV. He's in there telling her a story about a friend of his who has a tattoo above her pussy and some, all these horrible. She's married a gay dude. It's fucking hysterical. And this woman is just looking at him like, uh-huh, uh-huh. The lady walks, listen, we get on the plane. I get on the fucking elevator with Lee. I'm telling me, Lee goes, how do you know this girl?

I go, we came up together at the comedy storm. I go, I love her like a sister. I go, but she's fucking nuts. The girl's compass is off. In life, sometimes a woman's compass gets off. Yeah. And you make three or four bad men decisions. You really have to stop as a woman and go, do I continue this?

Let me take a year off a dick. Let me get a vibrator, a cat. Yeah. Let me get a vibrator with hair, one that blows grenades in my asshole. And let me get my comp. I got one with pearls. And let me get my compass back. Let me get my female compass back.

One guy hit me. The other guy cheated on me. The other guy fucked my sister. I'm doing something wrong. That's right. I need normal with human being would say that. I could flip this around and being a man. If your first wife left you, the other one killed herself,

and the other one left you for fucking Louis, there's something going on. We're not doing something right. I had those problems. I know. I understand. That's why I've been with this one for 14 fucking years. Because, you know, when you relate, when my marriage didn't work,

it destroyed my insides for a long time. Not as a, whatever, it may be more as a Catholic and a man in the way. Like, how do you fail at marriage? Yeah. How do you fail? This is easy. You know, why we fail now?

Because we marry the motherfucker we meet at a casino. Right. And he sucks our pussy, right? And we're splashing his face. And this is my man. Man, no, we didn't even give this motherfucker a chance. After he's going to bring his mommy in.

Next thing, you know, you're working, and he's supporting his mommy. You're like, what the fuck? Lide the room. Motherfucker fucked me good one time since then. He's talking about mommy that she makes the best rice and beans and whatever. Same thing flip side. So we were talking.

We would talk. One day they got a bag of weed. And she asked me, like a woman. Like, what's my problem? I said, here it is, man. Take a year off. You don't got to do nothing. I mean, the last motherfucker.

cheated on you. The one before that, you checked in his email, and the motherfucker was, when you were working, he was dancing for old dudes that was 60 years old with panties on, and then snort and met, and your pussy got his name on your pussy.

You understand me, once you put your man's name on your pussy and the relationship goes sour, it's either time to see a counselor, see a fucking doctor, or get it to light a candle, kill an animal, sacrifice it. motherfucker. Do you understand me

there's certain things that you make it. Cover that name. There's certain things that you do is judgment. Now you take not even a year off, move to Vegas, and you marry your motherfucker that's gay. So we're talking about this shit. She's telling me the story, the same exact words, and the most

soccer mom. The whitest woman comes in, and you know when these bitches interrupting you and you thought, fuck it. You know what? You want to hear it. You got the balls to press the fucking elevator button. Let me drop this motherfucker on you. She looks at me like, hi, and we're like, let me tell you what I was telling my buddy here.

We know this chick that married a gay dude, put his name on her vagina, and I broke it down just like that. And in seven, take an elevator ride. In seven seconds, this lady looked at me. And all of so I got off and I go, stay black. And you goes, yep, okay. That poor fucking lady.

That's what was going on. That's what was happening. That's crazy. Wait, you know a bitch. that put a gay man's name on her pussy. That one wasn't gay. That's the one that was emailing old guys, going to the house, putting on like a wig and putting on like Superbad.

And then you put money in his G thing. Then he'll suck your dick maybe with a condom in his mouth or whack off you and the old man has to sit there with his hands on his side, that type of dude. What? So he's like gay but not gay. Right, right. He's like, I'm just trying to get money right here.

Y'all try to support the family. that bad. I'll come over, take my clothes. It's easy work. You can't fucking touch me. You can sit there whack off. I don't want to look. Whatever you do, I'll dance. It's $22 a song. What do you mean? The last fact that came over, I paid them $12.50. I'll take $15 because my balls will be clean. I let you know what? At the end of each dance, I'll scratch my fingers and let you sniffing.

Right? What the fuck? You got to do what you got to do. Three, four songs is $60. Yeah. That's how you have to look at this. One of the craziest I've done last movie for more. One of the craziest TV shows I worked on was about weird couples and it was this woman married to a dude who said he was straight

but was doing gay porn and was trying to like... Oh, yeah. She looked so sad. She was like telling her sister like, no, he just does this to support us. And this dude was so gay. And this girl looked so sad. You know, was he getting banging the muffler?

Yeah. So you're not an actor? You're living it. What the fuck? The saddest is. scene in the entire show. You know, camming? You know how girls can go in front of webcams now? Well, he

was webcaming and she needed to get something out of the bedroom. And she was crawling on the floor on her hands and he needs to get like something out of her bedroom while her husband's like jacking off for guys on the internet. And I love him so much. And I was just like, oh my God.

Oh, that's horrible. How do people fall for that? Listen, I don't give a fuck. She's no self-esteem. I don't give a fuck if you have fucking Marlon Brando, you're not going to fake, getting a dick up the ass and say you're not gay. Okay, that's gay.

That's a commitment that's past, gone, done. That rabid, done, died, cocksucker. Yeah, that's gay. Even if you put your dick in somebody's ass. Well, maybe not. The Cubans, they go to prison. They have that whole system. I've discussed it before,

what they're banging the muffler. What? And you have to suck that dick, but they don't do nothing to you. And you have to act like a woman. It's like a prison thing. I'm sure people do it before. They're not the first people.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You have to act like a woman. These guys are married. So let's say, me, you, and Lee are in the cell. You're a man. And I come in and I just start smacking you and smack and Lee. Fuck you, motherfuckers.

And also I pay money out. I get two wigs in. And I make you and Lee put on wigs. And then I make you both my freaks, right? And I would suck my dick. I'd fuck you in the ass and you two, Lee too. Uh-huh. It only sucked my dick.

Nothing else. I would not let you fuck me in the ass. Nothing. You don't give us no hand jobs. You just use us like buckets. Yeah. We just little cum buckets. You fuck us in the ass so your balls are hitting our balls.

Yes. If they slap you and shoot you don't bring me coffee. And every time I sit there and watch TV, you got to rub my shoulders. With your wig on twist and your fucking beard and make believe you're enjoying it. And I'm sitting there like a front of you. fucking, I'm like, I'm running things. Like you're a king and shit. And guys come in, like, with messages, I wave them in.

Get off me, spit! And I get up and smack them, and they fall down and cry, shut up. And I look at you and I go, this will happen to you if you rub my shen. This will happen to you. Stop it. And then just out of manhood, I'll smack you too. What are you on? And then I'm, boss, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to interrupt the white people are cutting it. Well, listen, you go out there and you get my fucking message. And then while the black dude's fixing his wig, you walk up with him, you give him a message, you right? You tell him, I said how I'm fuck around, and you smack the black dude's wig off again, all right? Get the fuck out of you. I got to fuck this motherfuckeruck.

Suck my dick, bitch. Isn't it crazy that that's your job to think up stories like that? To get super stoned and, like, come up with a whole scenario where you get the mop-in of the Cuban jail? It's not that. Who knows? This is going to happen. This is probably actually happening.

This is going to happen in Ebolaville. This is going to happen. Where's Ebolaville? In Africa. What the fuck do you think of Ebola is? Bally is. Where they first started testing Ebola? Jesus Christ, Lee.

All right. That's why they call it Ebola. Wait, why are you going to get me off the talk? You want to have that Cheebo, no. No, those three. Yeah, that story brought to you by Auntie Dolores and her cookies of death. How were they? How what?

Are you high right now? Yeah. Yeah. He's face. Look at him. He's starting to look Asian. Are you high on the... The animals.

Are you? Yeah. There was only three milligrams. No, it wasn't. You look like you're about to pass out. Leave. Wait, like you start... Go ahead and start rubbing your nipples.

Lee. Leave. Leave. There you got to leave. Yes, you would. So leave. Wait a second. Sorry that Tiffany asked.

We have to discuss something. Yes. So break this down to me. What's up? You never had your nipples up before. Never. Okay. And you enjoy it.

You get hot when they suck your nipples. Yeah. It's good now. When they suck your knipples, you play with your little Cuban neck? No, no. What do you do? You play that like a fucking Murtadel?

It doesn't happen that often. But one of the worst online dates I went on, this girl bit my nipple, like hard and it made it bleed. So, like, after that, I would tell girls, like, get away from there. He's getting away from there. He's bringing up for a reason.

Don't put your mouth on my heart. Now you enjoy it. Yeah, it's okay. She just sucks them gently. Yeah. And what happens? He did you get erect? You sweat.

I'm not high enough to end to end up to that question. No, what happens to you? Do you just lay there and all like a fucking move? No, he does this what he's doing. Right now turn red and giggling stuff. I'm just curious. Smile our heart.

You just lay it. You squeeze her nipples and tell you love it. What are you doing when she fucking slipped in? You just sit there like Jesus laying there with your arms out? No. You can do something. You smack that ass, right? What you do?

I don't know. What are you doing in that situation? I don't know. I don't like my nipples sucked. I just don't like it. It makes me feel fucked up. I never like that. When I was a chick that wanted to put coke on my nipples

and suck them. Coked up when I don't need that shit. That's embarrassing. There might be a camera. You're sucking my nipples. I've sucked on so many mannipples. Man, it's crazy. You just, ah, mm-hmm.

And then you try to look up at them in their eyes. They like it. You like that shit, don't you? I didn't think I would. He's getting moist right now thinking about it. than think you would. You like everything. You're a dirty freak.

No, I'm not going to like, he always wants me like looking girls asshole and disgusting stuff. Would you like sucking and your little nipy? Yeah, what is so much, like, what's the,

you always talking about looking assholes. What's to deal with that? Like, it's a fantasy. What's so good about it though? I mean, that's my shit comes out of there.

No, no, you wash it if you take care of that thing. Yeah. And you have like a lufor. And you keep it up. It's beautiful. A woman's, A woman's muffler should not smell like nothing like that.

I think mine smells like medicine. Well, whatever. Whatever it smells like, it doesn't smell like that. No, it don't smell like that. You can't. I've never been in a woman's muffler where it's smell like she just took a fucking dump. I never really had. I don't know.

I'm very, very fortunate. Did you ever have a girl lick your butthole? Yeah, and I didn't like it. It's disgusting. Yeah, it sounds terrible. I'm too uptight for that shit. I talk, that big game. Well, I'm too uptight.

I don't want to. Listen. I know for a fact, my asshole is disgusting. Describe your asshole right now. When a woman sucks my asshole, I know that she's doomed. If a woman doesn't look at me and prejudge it, she's doomed. Why would you suck my ass? Okay, a nice ball lick never killed him.

My ball's a nice. I clean them. But my asshole, you're taking a chance. That's the way I look at. I wouldn't go up to some chick. I would just look at somebody and judge it. I can tell what their asshole smells like. You can tell them.

I'm looking at the jeans. That's your favorite activity. Oh, my God. We're sitting at a slot machine and every girl. What a pussy smells like, that's it. What I'll see you. And he knows the size too. He's like, that's a fat pussy.

And then he's like, oh my God, I love it. And then this look out. That's what you did. This really tall blonde girl walk by. He's like, her pussy's this small. Yeah, they got, they're beautiful, but they're 5, 8, and they weigh 100 pounds. Yeah. When you go down there, there's two hip bones.

Oh, that's sad. She's under the valley. And you hold on to it and you lick it. And there's nothing there. It's tight and it's nice. That's nice for a while. But sometimes you want to turn up the fucking heat. You know.

Yeah, you need some meat on your monkey, right? My ex told me that my asshole tastes like chicken. That's disgusting. That's why he's your fucking ex. He's like, can I get some of that chicken? That's why he's your fucking ex. He's like, I want to eat some of that chicken. It's really weird how you judge, you prejudge.

somebody sometimes. If you see a dude that weighs 500 pounds, you're not going to go, I want to suck his dick. That's not the first thing. You're going to think about it, neither with us. No, I want to eat dinner with him. But for some people, they'll look at that person and go, she's hot. Lee likes a Spanish or a sister that's got some meat on their bones. When I was a freshman, all bets were off with me. Like, I was just a regular kid. I went to school with white chicks, though. So I like white chicks. There was a couple in the eighth guy, I like this Puerto Rican chick from Kennedy School.

But besides that, there was white chicks in my neighborhood. But when I went to high school, it was mixed, but there was a little Sicilian chick, this little white, little chick with a little Pat Bennett's all I had to do. This little freak walked by me. And I noticed something.

I noticed, I saw something that had never seen on a woman before. And these pants on that particular day, And I'm not meaning this in a weird way. A lot of women don't know this. A lot of young women listen to the podcast. It was like, you look at the vagina

and you can see what's under there. You know, if I like you, it's not even a camel toe. It's not a camel toe. It's just shaped a certain way. And with imagination, you could just take it. And so, oh, my God, she's fucking beautiful. And I was in love with this girl. I would look at her monk.

I would go to, I was freshening your geometry. I would go to that class just to see what she would wear what type of jeans and I never told nobody I would just go to that class and I estimated that that time that her pussy probably weighed 40 pounds

I would say that to myself every day she had a heavy pussy Oh heavy pussy You say that to yourself You're like you'd go off like 50 You're like no it's not 50 pounds but it's more than 30 pounds

Yeah yeah I fell in love with this girl because of how she was packing it. There was a certain way. 50 pounds? It was just meaty. It never was a cameltoe. It was always meaty. How do you know it wasn't a penis?

Because you knew it was there. Because years later, we hooked up. Oh, okay. And was it 40 pounds? It was tremendous. It was true. I don't understand. How do you put weight on pussy?

I don't know. That's how perverted I was at the time. That's how my mind. You know, women look at guys' feet. Women look at guys' hands. women look at guys bulges their ass women will go oh he looks kind of dirty I know these girls one day that were telling me

stories there were two chicks hanging out and they were just telling me how they judge men I look at their fingers their feet their fingers their teeth it's very seldom so they we also do it but you don't look at a dude it looks like you got greasy hair if he got greasy hair

in public you know his ass ain't going to smell like fucking Lloyd's of London you understand me it's going to smell like a fucking death rot My grandma always taught me dirty fingernails. If he got dirty fingernails, he got dirty dick. Just know that. Yeah, that's it. You know that.

That's it. Dirty fucking fingernails. How are you going to let that man stick his fingers into your vaginal fucking cave? Yeah, you're going to get a yeast infection. You're going to get something nasty. You're going to get. You're going to get it. But before I go on a date, I usually, you know, when I was younger, I would nail file them.

I don't want to hang nails. You got clean nails, though. Yeah. Fat fingers, that's fat dick. No, this is, this is tremendous. This is a savagery of shit. The head's very round. You're killing me.

You're killing me. But. I'm a penitologist. But, uh, just, just, it's not, it's not nothing, uh, I'm sure any other young men did at the fucking age of 14. I just looked at it and I just felt, she had a beautiful face. She had a big ass, but it was flat. But fuck it, the pussy was so tremendous.

I overlooked the ass. You understand me? What about that one in that girl in the black dress last night? It was like the, the, uh, the Kardashian. But it was like huge. Remember that big girl with the huge ass last night? Oh, no, she was no, she was no Kardashian. No, no, she didn't look good.

She was no fucking Kardashian. But it just went out, I'm saying. Oh, my God, it was, you know, you look at people. Again, you don't want to judge. But some people you look at Las Vegas and go, you don't belong to. Come on. What are you going to do here? I felt about that way about handicapped people in casinos.

No, no, no, no. They shouldn't be in casinos. You're already not lucky. What are you doing in the casino? No, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about chicks that you look at and you're like, why are you here? Why are you here? You're taking down these three hot chicks.

These three little hot chicks came for dick, and you're the fucking, what's that thing with that ship throws over? You're the yanker. You're not going nowhere because of you. They're like, keep looking at you all miserable. That's it. Me and Lee sat there by the elevator at the end of the night. And we were just talking about it.

There was a couple with a gray tie, and she had a green suit on. You reminded me. I forgot. We were fucking high. We were fucking high. Friday night I got there at 10. My flight was an hour delayed Tiffany had it. I had a bird bank airport, but between you and I, I didn't give a fuck.

Because it was Vegas. I knew everything was running late anyway. I knew when I got that plane, I knew it was going to be out late. It's never, it's the last flight of the day. If every flight is 10 minutes late, it's the same plane, guys. It's not like they're coming in from somewhere else. It just keeps going back and forth, picking up, dropping up, dropping up. pick them up, drop them off.

They shut down at two, then they start again at five. Bing, bang, bang, bang, until fucking nine o'clock. They don't fly in or out of Vegas. I think you can fly into Vegas. That's the last flight. 835 is the last flight. That flight took off at 940 for fucking 20 years. I've been telling Lee.

Lee, their flight's 35 minutes. But after 9-11, the prices went up so they couldn't justify it. So they'd drive around Vegas a few times. and then all of a sudden they said it took an hour this motherfucker Lee how long I called you at 20 to fucking 10 and I landed at 10 11 31 minutes 10 by like because I was getting ready

to come pick you up and I was it was 1015 you're like I'm here and I'm like Jesus Christ because it's right down the street right down the fucking street Burbank to fucking Las Vegas this mother that was the first time ever they didn't serve peanuts or soda they said no we're running into turban

there's no turban this motherfucker said watch this Watch my shit We're here Watch my shit I'm gonna break the record today 31 minutes Boom bumper the bumper Today we got on

And the lady said it She goes It's uh This is welcome to your 755 flight to Los Angeles To Burbank You're supposed to arrive at 9 This is a 40 minute flight

Boom we landed at 8 fucking whatever I got to my doorstep at 9 a.m What the fucking thing you get in? You just got to know what time you got to fly in your limitation I got into Vegas at 10.30. I took a cab to the hotel. I checked in.

Everything was easy for crazy. They picked us up. We went over to the fucking... South Point. They have that dirty at 1230, which Ralphie May put together. That's what I'm saying. Ralphie May put that deal together.

Oh, man. So it's a big 300 people. You fucking destroyed. Yeah, the bar was packed. Bar was packed, Tiffany had this. You'll fuck those motherfuckers up. Yeah, I would. And you'll be back on LA Saturday morning.

That's what I said. So we went. We met some people. We met my brother Toking Lair. Yeah. Bad motherfucker. I love Token Lair. Me too.

He's a nice fucking kid. He's a savage. Token Lair? We didn't hook up with him. Is he an Indian? No, his name. No names. No names.

It's okay. No names. She said, yeah, he's Indian. Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with you? What? You're not supposed to be. It's not like a secret. Yes, it is, cocksucker.

We don't release names like that. You know what I'm saying? The heavy-duty people. You never know who's listening, man. That's right, man. The government will be all around. Oh, shit. It's Monday.

Get it together, cocksucker. You got, I don't know how many days. Fifteen fucking days before Christmas. Sixteen. Yeah. A little something Mondays to pick you up, little TB. When.

Somebody breaks your heart. Oh, Mahon. Mayhorn. Some, somebody Twice as smart As I A somebody After the show, we'll drop that Cheebat Chia

Oh, no, go away What did he mean? He's like, no, no, we weren't drunk, no So yesterday, we hooked up at what time? Five Uh, six. We had a Cheeberchoo, we smoked a half a number, We went to the fights, we had nice seats,

Thank you, Joe Rogan. We sat a who else came my nephew Yeah And then Joe's two friends And Joe's two friends came Which was cool Justin was cool as shit

Yeah Justin We watched the fights I got you out of there Before you got caught In the fucking crowd Yeah Because I took care of you Like Uncle Joey

So he told me when I got there Don't drink anything But I had two drinks So I had to pee I could see when I told you I had to pee You were like He's never coming back

Because he thought It was too long I'll come back Right before the last fight And you guys were like Oh we'll go to the bathroom and you kept saying, oh, I'll be back for you, and I knew you weren't coming back.

First of all, let me break it down for you. So you didn't come back? Let me break it down for the fucking breadth of many units, okay? First of all, a lot of people know or may not know the last week and a half. I was getting that. I went swimming the one time, and then one time I went

to Philadelphia, and I laid down the tub and I just took like a little nap. And the next day, I had that shit when you spent vertigo. Vertigo. So I was a little nervous all week So Friday, Thursday

I got to go to the doctor Wednesday He set up a dizzy thing So this dizzy thing You go in there You stand on a thing It's like a ship Then you lay down They just spin you around

With goggles on It was terrible I got so fucking stone Why did you do that? Before the test? I didn't know I didn't know what it entail I had this weed

It was a sativa Which never fucks me up This New York sour diesel And I found it It was nice and dry Like I like it Before that I'm getting you around So the fucking test was at 1230

This is 10 30, 11 o'clock in the morning Right I need a quicker picker up I had mercy in the morning I couldn't get high So this is my first high of the day Do you guys follow me? If you know anything about your

motherfucking reefer That first one That's the MacDizzy doozle Right That's the one that you need 30 minutes just to recover From your creative uses Come in

Right You get a little higher than usual, but sometimes you take a chance. Sometimes this weed might be a lot more than what you anticipated at 12th or the afternoon. And this shit takes you to a different level. I always like sativas to start off the fucking morning. A strong sativa, a sativa that takes you over the top, makes you want to get out and fucking see the sun. It gets you so high that you go out in the sun.

That's that mind high that it gives you, right? There you go. But the problem is when you go inside, that high becomes something differently, you say it. So I smoked as a T, but I get in the fucking car. I drive over Laurel Canyon, cut a truck off on the other side of cold water, zip into motherfucking BV, make a fucking left, right, deep into the heart of BV. What's BV?

Beverly Hills, all the fucking bullshit on Willsherstreet. Make a fucking, make a fucking right on whatever the fuck it is. Go all the way down. the end of hell where it meets Wilshire and the other Worcshaw and the other shit where you're fucked

you make the wrong turn there San Vicente San Vicente you're fucked you're fucked you're fucked at 8 in the morning okay you're late to out bitch

you better call up whatever you're meeting and going let's make this for an hour later because I'm headed to fucking Huntington Beach by mistake and shit there better be a whale

and breakfast and shit your day is fucked up okay you best be paying attention you better not be on the phone because your shit will get fucked up. I make the right. I go upstairs.

I go to the same doctor that I've been going since I had the ear infection. I walk in there. They put me on a sit-down. During the sit-down, I asked to pee, and when I walk out of the pee, you know how they give you the fucking big key, and go to the bathroom and open on the way back,

I'm like, oh, my fucking zap. I go in, they got water with lemons because they're white people. They got water with lemons and cups and shit. I start drinking. like three cucks of water. I'm so fucking high. And there's a people magazine, right?

I'm reading the People magazine. And this little Puerto Rican dude looking motherfucker comes out and he goes, Jose, come on in. And they sit me down. They're trying to break it down for me. This really fucking happened. Tiffany has it.

And they go, all right, get on this thing and look out the window. Now, when I go into a room, if it don't have a window, it should gives me anxiety. So they got a window. And I stand on this thing and you have to close your eyes

for 30 seconds and breathe. And that was cool dizzy. But then they sat me down. And they put me in like a dentist chair. But at the same time, but they put these goggles over my eyes. Dog, my shit got dark, right? My shit got dark. I was really stoned.

Because that's what your mind naturally does. When I was a kid, I used to go to the planetarians in New York City and watch the who and the yes. And what you do is you put goggles on. And they play all this shit. And you see like stars. But they're playing music. It was the same thing to me.

So my eyes were closed. guys, they kept saying, please, Mr. Diaz, open your eyes. Please, Mr. Diaz, open your eyes. And I could see my eye through one of the lens, and I was so high. It wouldn't open. Finally, the guy had to stand behind me and open my one eye, and finally goes, that's it.

Put tape on it. They put fucking tape on my fucking eye, guys. They put tape on my eye. I can't believe they didn't say, Come back, not high. No, they knew. I even tell the guy, my eyes open, you fuck. My eyes open. Stop, what the fuck?

My eyes open. He's like, look at the tape. My eye would not open. My eye was doomed, doomed. I got out of there in 40 minutes. I drove home. Oh, my God. So now I go to the UFC.

Yeah. Now, you know I'm crazy. Did you know that? Yeah, I know that. Okay, so. I know you long enough to know that. I had a Chebichu. What's the name of the bar?

So kind brownie. So kind brownie. And we had some tremendous weed. Mm-hmm. And I blasted. Usually the quarter of the So-Kine Brownie kills Lee. I blasted the whole So-Kind Brownie. The half-killed me.

I can do the quarter. I blasted a hole. You want a piece of a Cheap-a-Chu? Sure. Let's go deep tonight. Lee's sitting there going, Joey, you hold on. I can't do it anymore. Listen, you're the fucking catalyst.

You're the backbone of the organization. So I fucking, I eat the Xotech. I'm brownie. I meet Lee. I smoke a joint. On the way there, I eat 60% of this fucking cheap. It's 70% of it. And I walk down the stairs and I'm looking at these stairs and I'm going, this is how

fucking crazy, Reefer is and life is. And I know people go through this. I start saying to myself, what if I have to peep and on the walk up, I get vertigo. Oh, shit. In front of all these people and I fall down the fucking stairs. Lee, you don't know what kind of anxiety is, Lee.

You're walking into the amazing Showing you're like, what if I fall down? Oh, my godly, that's all I kept thinking about. What if I fall in front of all these fucking people, right? How fucking embarrassing of this. So I sit down and it's cracking. This is cracking. The energy's great, but every time these people applaud,

I'm getting higher. Yeah, because they're raising the vibration up in the world. It's fucking death threats. And all of a sudden the fucking thing comes on. Now I'm also thinking about we were so close that you really could see the cage, There was parts of the cage you couldn't see, so you were automatically drawn to go up. Dog, when you go up, I get vertigo.

And I kept thinking, I kept trying to take the way. And then focusing on the thing, and then I had to pee like a motherfucker. If you notice, I drank water. I kept it light. I sit that water throughout the whole show. I didn't guzzle it like a fucking gavel. I usually go through eight of those waters during a fucking three-hour fight. They give them to you for free, right?

They give you free shit. It was free to tip them. Yeah, well, not, yeah, yeah. Oh, you had to do with sipping. They give you hot dogs, pretzels, booze, right? Or they charge you for the booze. Well, you should.

You paid $8007 for the $6. Oh, fuck. You better come on me. Right on you. You pay them money. Well, no, there was a mean waitress who just said, like, I can get you one drink, but you don't have the ticket for free drinks.

I don't know. I only had two drinks. I never really got drunk and high at the same time. That was interesting. No, you got drunk, you got a high later. No, I was hired earlier because we took the... I was so fucking stoned. during the fights when Pettus fucking pinned,

when Pettus submitted, what's his name, Melendez, I was so high at that fucking point. And I kept thinking, I got to walk up those stairs. This is my time. I got to go behind people and slow it up. Because if I fucking fall backwards, this is going to be horrendously bad. You don't wipe out everybody.

My anxiety was mind-boggling. It's like a rhinoceros running downstairs. Oh, my God. clearing it all. My anxiety was mind-boggling. I felt bad for the people. I felt bad for my friends. I felt bad for myself.

I was embarrassed Joe Rogan. I would embarrass Lee. Because if Lee felt backwards, I keep walking up the fucking stairs. I don't know nobody. Who's that little guy? He's yelling Joey. I don't know.

He's a fucking... He's some dude that staggered on. He was sitting there. I don't know. He wants to take a picture. What a shame? I mean, you know, what am I going to do? That's all I kept thinking about Lee.

Yeah. After Gilbert Melendez's fight, I kept thinking. And what if, now what if I wait for the other fight to happen? And I'm walking out with 2,000 people, I fall. Because if I got to stand there, I'm definitely going to get anxiety. If I have to stand there and wait, you know, like one at a time, that was a great fight, wasn't it?

Yeah, ha, ha, ha. If I had to do that all the way up to the top, I would have had anxiety and fainted right there. That's why I left when I left. And we had a better time. You're so sensitive, man. You always do that. What's that? I say you're so sensitive now.

It's not how I'm sensitive, man. I kept thinking that I was going to fall and get dizzy. That's a complete different game, Mama. When you don't know when this motherfucker is going to hit you, two weeks ago, I had it in Philadelphia. I woke up one morning. That motherfucker don't come knocking. You know, vertigo don't come knocking.

Vertigo doesn't come with like a little warning, hey, in 30 minutes your world is about to get right. I went to bed fine. I was stoned as fuck. I smoked a couple fucking numbers. I went back to my hotel room. I took an leave. I drank a coffee.

And I watched it. Damn, and a leaf and a coffee and we... Yeah. That's a crazy combination, y'all. And I watch some television. That's a suppressive, a depressant, it's another depressing than an acceptance. Whatever, but I'm up.

I'm on the road. It's Friday night. I don't really have to wake up Saturday morning, do press. So I'm going to get a little extra sleep. I don't give a fuck. I got a better two or three. You watch a law and order.

Yeah, if I do that. You get a couple notes. You put the fucking eapones on. You listen to YouTube. play some hole down. I play Chaka Khan. Whatever the fuck it is. Boom.

There goes your night. I went to bed like any other night at three in the morning. And at four, I had to wake up to P. 5.30. And my shit, when I got up, my shit started spinning dog.

I fell backwards. You don't know what the fuck's cracking. You don't know if you ate something at the comedy club. You don't know him put a motherfucker dosed you. You don't know. You start breathing.

You finally get up. You have to turn the light on. There ain't no motherfucking light. You got to go to the bathroom Turn the bathroom light on You take your dick out It's spinning the room The dick spinning

The room spinning You piss You piss You're pissed You walk back to the bed You're still spinning Spinning is terrible It's terrible

You breathe a little bit And it goes away And you fall asleep Okay wait a minute This happens every time You have to pee No no no This just happened

Two weeks ago out of It never happened It happened It happened About five years ago When I had an ear infection I went swimming Got sick

and then went on a plane. You can't travel when you were in a cold. So I got an ear infection. So that I was at a gym one day, and my shit got all fucked up. I started hearing this shit. And then two weeks later, I went to the San Jose Improv.

You were working at San Jose Improv? Uh-huh. With the San Joseon, I got that McCormick and Schmitz. I went in there for the happy hour, like a Puerto Rican that I had. And they put me in a chair all the way to the back guys.

And I had the ear infection, and my hearing was off. So it threw the motherfucking room off, right? Meanwhile, I'm dipping my shit in the clam chowder. What? What? Watching like a Dodger game or some shit. And I started thinking, oh, my God, I'm going to pass out.

What am I going to do? Am I going to fall here? Or am I going to make it to the motherfucking door? So I was getting anxiety. I was making it to the door. I would hate to pass out in front of people I don't know. You know, it's true. We're a fucking nice restaurant, and Tiffany passes out.

I don't know what the fuck of the door. I love Tiffany. So I would never want to put you people. on that particularly. Yeah, I wouldn't want. That's why I was so, that's why I had so much anxiety towards the end at the fight. That's why I got to go. Well, no, but you do that.

You have, you said you like to leave early? Because, yeah, there was, it took like 30, 40 minutes for that whole arena to exit. But you also had another good idea because we had, it was like three or four hours after the Teapachoo. And we got a hot dog, and I wasn't going to get one because it was going to be dinner. But then it was like three more hours until dinner, and that hot dog was pretty good. No, listen, I know the timing. I've been to a thousand those fucking fights. Yeah.

But I was so high. I was so fucking high. Like I am right now? I kept looking down because I kept catching myself. And I go, I'm going to get vertigo. Last week, two weeks ago, I was playing with the baby, and I picked the baby up. I'm like this.

Oh, my God. Thank God my wife was in the room. I just put it on the fucking couch and I fell out to my hands and knees. Listen, this afternoon, let me tell you what happened. What if your wife would have jumped to front and said, that's right. Bow down, bitch, bow down.

Before I do these shoutouts, let me tell this motherfuckers what happened today. So today I get off the plane, I go home, I play with the baby, they got to do some errands. I sit there, I get my week straight. I get the suitcase cleaned out. I put water in the sleep apnea machine. I clean the mask. I do all that shit in the phone rings. And I recognize the number.

It's my old coat dealer. And I love this motherfucker. I still talk to him, you know, once a month. And he calls me. I was like, what are you doing? He goes, this is I need a big favor. I go, what's up? He goes, make some call.

when you call you a boy, see if I could put a fucking thousand dollars on the Raiders. I go, Raiders, really? He goes, they're going to fuck San Francisco I'm going to show these motherfuckers. What's cracking? He goes, I just came back from up there. Swing by, I'll hook you up. I'm like, now I'm all right. He goes,

please call me back. I really want to fucking bet the Raiders. See what the score was, dog. I know the Raiders won. The Raiders blew him out. That's fucking amazing. I forgot to call him back. the kid, the bookie, the fucking phone was on message, and I left them a message, and he never called me back.

So I spaced it. I spaced calling my buddy back. 24 to 13. Yeah, they'd be it. And they're right. They were one and fucking late. One in something. Yeah.

So this is my old Coke dealer. He must have an inside tip or something. Listen to what I used to do. I used to call them up in the old days. 10 years ago, I call them up every sudden. I know what's going up. Nothing. Who do you like today?

And he go, really? Yeah, who do you like? See, he was like, and he called me back, and he'd give me a winner, and I talk him out of it. And then I go, you want to bet? Yeah, and I go, what do you want to bet, 200? And I go, all right, I'll call you later, and I'd call him back, and go, and I'd sit on the bat, and he'd lose. And I'd wait two days ago, we didn't get paid in cocaine. He never figured out every week he lost.

I think one time he fucking won. How crazy is that? So this shit we do, Tiffany had it, you know what I'm saying? Look at you, a beautiful woman. Let me get some shouts. We got to talk about something. Yeah, let's shout out. What's up, Lisa, you bad motherfucker.

47 floating 747. I love you. Rusty Cole, Tommy P., Corey Layton, Thomas Cardwell, and Ryan Nowe. Stay black, cocksuckers. I love you to death. What else, Lee?

Tell me something good. You haven't said much today. You're sitting out like a mook I need. Tell me something good. What happens? What's chocolate's got to you yet? Yeah, these chocolates are fucking else. He blink and.

like a pretty ass They're fucking me up We haven't had Antich Dolores in a while I know she sent us a box I want to give a shout out to Antivloric sent us a box

We're going to do Hanuk of the right way this year We're going to light them an army And eat an edible I have respect for the Jews Because we don't

Fuck around here Leeds Been wanting to do this for years No I haven't You know We didn't want to He didn't want to do

30 30 So let's do one better Let's celebrate your people Let's eat a fucking edible Every night from the 16th to the 24

out of respect we'll light them in the what we'll do is we'll fucking unwrapped the edible and we'll throw it in a yonica or whatever them we'll pop it in a yonica like a fucking like a tant like what do you call it those things like a trampoline a yarmulica? Yeah

it's like a trampoline listen disregard of the fucking saying you know what the fuck I'm saying okay what I'm saying okay what I'm saying is we're going to eat eat in edible for eight days straight that's the least we can do for that's the least you can do for the church of what's happening now.

You're a soldier. That's why I have you in the room. Where's that cheap? Do you ready to eat a little piece of cheap? Yeah, you know, said you told me like five minutes ago and you said you were going to pull it out and you never do tomorrow. You got nothing.

You got the day off tomorrow. You got nothing to do tomorrow. Why are you peer pressure in him and I said I want this son? I mean, damn, Joey. He needs a piece. No, he don't. He's going to be sleeping a minute.

He's not looking good tonight. He's still looking at a soul. He's playing me. Playing with his nipples in a second. I can tell him. He's really, he's like, oh my God, you have the coins are everywhere. No, trust me, you don't want to see what else you got going on?

So the reason why you're on the show, and I got to be as honest, I've known you for a long time. That part. But I didn't see you. I don't really see you, you know. I don't be seeing you either. I know you do spots at the Laugh Factory, Hollywood a lot, and I see your name at different clubs.

And then about a month ago, I got a Laugh Factory, and you're hosting. And there's a Long Beach, one of my favorite places in the world. I love performing there, I love Long Beach. You know why? Because there's no drum. You get there, you know, where you stand. Every time I go to Hollywood, I got to park the fucking car.

I got to walk in. They're doing 30 minutes behind. There's street people who want to bump you. You went through all this motherfucking shit to get bumped at this age. Come on. That's Tuesday night's shit. It's Thursday night. Come on, Jamie.

Come on, Jamie. I love Jamie. At least he hooks me up, you know? All I got to do is call them, motherfucker. I mean, this guy went from not liking me, at least giving me spots away. Right. So I go to the life factory. I'm sitting there stone.

Sometimes you sit in the left. Sometimes you sit in. And you're forced. Now I'm very happy to be back at the comedy store. Because now I'm forced to watch live comedy. Listen, guys, I know that this comedy shows on television, and we all have DVDs and video specials and the whole thing. I love watching a good HBO special.

I came up on an HBO special. The way they shoot it, everything about an HBO special. always like from and we all have the different generational gaps which we like whatever period you know I like the young comedian stuff I like the the Hick stuff at those years the Kennison stuff on HBO I like all that you know everybody like you may like the newest stuff Sarah Soberman or bill burr I don't know if he's on HBO and you might like uh whatever the fuck you like I don't know what the fuck I like everybody everybody so we all have different fucking taste so for me an HBO special is it. But

I gotta be honest, here, there's something about watching a comic live. Let's say you like, let's say you like Tiffany. And, you know what, what the fuck do you do at your time? I'm not being a kid and following a band, you know, for a couple months.

And really, in the other side, you just go out one night. And if you go to L.A. clubs and you go out four nights a week, you're going to see a lot of the same comedians. And some nights are going to go up there, three nights in a row, they're going to go up there and do the same fucking stick.

And you may like them or not dislike them. But you know what? Other nights, you're going to see something else come out of them. You're going to see their soul come out. Something that with me only used to happen at the comedy store.

That's why I know how powerful the comedy store is. And it comes from doing a lot of sets at a certain club over and over again. You're doing a lot of sets And after a while you just get so comfortable And every once in a while your mind drifts Like you just go somewhere

And some nights Lee You tell a joke man There's something about that joke that it might get them But some nights it's the way you deliver that joke Yeah That just destroys that room And it's maybe putting your foot out And bouncing

Or living that motherfucker You just let your body go and the audience feels it because me as a comedian, I feel it. And when I feel that from a comic, that's when you know that person become a comedian. For years, I went up there and just told jokes, and I'm like, oh, my God, he's so funny.

Where does he get those? But it took 15 years to click on to get a certain confidence, a certain believing. I was scared shitless the other night at that south point. I didn't want to go up. That's the last thing I want to do, go up at 12.30 at night in front of 300 fucking real people that you can't

go up there with L.A. jokes. Right. You know, like there's Sunset Strip jokes and you go up there. So I did this film one time with Jennifer Lopez. And in the scene, she slipped, right? And they're like, Jennifer Lopez, it's Friday night at 12, fucking 30. I've been dealing with fucking Asian

and fucking playing ping pong over there at the Golden Nugget. I want to fucking laugh, okay? Right. And you come over here and you're up there. No, you had to be. to bring them. I opened up with some dirty shit and it were kind of weird. And I remember before I

left, I said, I'm doing my bits tonight. I'm going to have enough confidence in my bits time. And I went up and did my bits and I did perfect. I did what I was supposed to do because I had a plan. I knew where to take it. I was going to fuck with them a little

bit, but I had seven or eight minutes I knew if I took them there and sold it. At 1230, you've got to commit, Jack. They got a feeling. Oh, fuck. This guy's bringing 8.30. type of shit to the show. Because if you go up there and do your same let, if you go up there and do a 12.30 show,

they're going to feel a 12.30 show. It's a disaster. You've got to give them an 8.30 show. That was what was in my mind. I had to wake him up a little bit late. I had to flip him about that. That energy is the whole thing, you know? No, it's crazy.

I'm not usually a huge fan of, like, the 20-minute sets. As a comedy fan going to the club, I like a headliner more. But you're one of the people who actually, like that 15, 20-minute set That was crazy. That was perfect. Because during an hour, you would have to slow down a little bit.

You'd have a heart attack. But you just didn't stop for like 20 minutes. I rather pound you. I want to pound you. My style is to pound you. But take it back a couple weeks ago. When you do sets in L.A., I go to the comedy store. Every four or five people, you see somebody who gets into a different place and they deliver it.

And that's what I mean. A couple weeks ago, I saw you go there. You went there in between bits. and you had gone there one time and I was like, look at Tiffany Havish bring out a different type of heat and I didn't say nothing until you came back and then you went to bring me out

and I was sitting there and I was enjoying Tiffany so much that I didn't want to go up that's when you know that's when you know you there's a difference between somebody doing good and you being jealous of them

there's a difference between somebody doing good and you being scared to follow them. But there's a difference between somebody being in front of you and they're doing so well. They're not threatening you, but you're feeling them so much. You don't want them to get off the stage. You're enjoying it.

I'm living it. I'm living it. She was telling the thing about her grandma, that the pussy is your house. You got to keep the bushes trip. Yeah, you got to keep it clean. But she became her grandmother. Yeah.

Or whoever character she might be doing. Because sometimes you're thinking, My mom. This is my aunt Cheryl. Yeah. But I can't tell the audience that because they're not going to have the stand of Cheryl. I just talked about my aunt Bonnie and I'm going to confuse these motherfuckers. I don't want them to think.

So grandma just cleans it up. Right. Grandma cleans it up. You don't have to commit to the name, just grandma. And it was really weird that you took me there. And I go, you know what? I got to get around the podcast because I want her to know that you're there. Thank you.

And you're hiding. You're hiding. You're hiding. You're like in the witness relocation. That part. You got to get with the agency that push your sisters to just drop you in the man. I know you're at the right agency. You made the movie a ball with the same fuck that.

But you're like in that shuffle right now. You're next. Yeah, transitioning up to the top of the deck of the cards. You're next. She's ready. Let's go. You're like Reneezo Wigger before that movie. She was at the laundry man.

She was out of quarters and she got the call from Tom Cruise. That's the call that you always wait for when you're out. And not because you suck this dick, but because you auditioned eight times and the last two times we're in front of that motherfucker. Right, and you killed. Before they give you those type of movies

that you've got to go with Tom Cruise, they got to shoot you from this direction, that direction, make sure you're tall, you're not tall with him with heels, make sure you can run next to him and you're small with him. So you've got to go to 19 auditions and then read with him

because everybody wants to make, you know, he's getting 20 million in the movie. He's going to want to come out of his shadows very seldom that I have to read with somebody but every once in a while there's a motherfucker in a room without you knowing which throws a fucking left wrench in your fucking head

that's amazing when you go in a room and you know somebody's in there you're like that's it and you go up and you have that paper in your hand and the hand starts shaking yeah because you so never know I hate that shit oh my god I hate that shit and you'd be feeling like oh my God am I fucking up right now I don't care I'm just gonna live this life

I'm just in this slice of life right now I'm just a prostitute. And then you give up. And then halfway through, you just like, fuck. You say, you know what? Fuck it. You're already thinking about your next row. Well, Ralphie Mae say he's going to take me on tour.

And Lee says he's going to put me in the next block. And all of a sudden you just clicking on. And they even say, hold on one second. Do it again from the start. Now you got something. Yeah. I'm taking this motherfucker somewhere. Even though I fucked up, he knows it.

He was there. He's a real actor. They're not going to throw you out. Right. If they're real, they're going to go, let him read it again. He showed something. and now you get it together you close your eyes, you take a breath,

you think of your fucking family while you got there, you think of how you want to sling dick, and bam! You put that motherfucker down in front of whoever. And also the motherfucker starts talking to me and he goes, let me get in there with you. And you actually start reading it.

When the first time you're nervous, the second time you start rocking and rolling, and then you get something out of heaven and everybody's laughing. You close, you win the scene, you know what I'm saying? Even though it's not on paper, you have to think of something.

This is where you're a comedian. This is where you're a comedian. button up the room. Button up the fucking room. Bam. Leaving them with something to smile about. Tell them what your name, your fucking serial number is, and you just keep walking, motherfucker.

Let them go. What was that spirit that just walked in? Right. They always tell me, oh, you were a breath of fresh air. We know you weren't right for the part. I mean, blonde hair, blue eyes. But it was just great to have you here today. You're refreshing.

Now, when did you get on stage the first time? In 1997. Where? At the laugh factory. No shit. Mm-hmm. Ninety-seven. Yep.

I'll never forget it because I had got on the news and everything. But Princess Diana had died and bumped me from the news, and then I didn't get to get my segment showed until I went back to school. Oh, my God. And then when did I meet you? You met me in 2002, 2003? No shit. Yeah, I met you 2003.

No, 2004, because then we were standing outside of 2005. Yeah. I met you in the office first at J.K.A. And then I would bump into you. I always heard you were struggling. Because sometimes, like I said, you bump into people. And also one day you go out to do spots and you go, what happened to Tiffany Haddish?

And then a year later, you're taking the train. And there's Tiffany Addish with a kid. And you're like, didn't, well, we together at the laugh factory? You were taking them to the top. You had a deal at the fucking Brad Pitt Company. Yeah, well, the deal fell through. James Sout did this. but in Austin, I got married, got a kid.

I live in fucking West Hills now with a bunch of... That's not my story. No, and not at all. That's what I'm saying. I ain't that bitch. You must be talking about somebody else. Yeah, no, I kept hearing about the...

Because I got married, you know, and Austin, I would just hear little things about Tiffany's motherfucking Attish. That's it. That's what I'm saying that. A lot of motherfuckers give up. Right. You didn't give up. I met you in 2005.

You already had a couple of years under you. Yeah. You know, most pretty girls. girls, this the fuck appear. I hear that. I've seen it now over the gears. I'm like, I'm noticing it. But like, I remember when I first met Corey Holcomb, he was like, baby girl, you need to just give up on this.

You don't need to be no damn comedian. You need to just go meet you somebody rich. There's too many rich motherfuckers out here. You're a pretty girl. Just get pregnant. You know, get pregnant by a rich dude. Maybe get two or three rich, baby dad is. And just call it a fucking day.

Because it's comedy, you ain't built for this. You ain't ready to like. You ain't going to last through this. Like, and now he sees me. Now it's like 11 years later. He's like, yo, I'm sorry. They got a bunch of respect for you. Yeah, I'm proud of your girl.

They're a bunch of respect for you, man. Mm-hmm. You know, I think women have to work a little hard, and I hate that slogan. You're a fucking comedian. Yeah, I'm a comedian. You burn that shit. Fuck me. I hate when they be like, are you ready for a female?

No, how about are you ready for a funny motherfucker? Are you ready for a funny comedian? How about that? Yeah. It's really. Because I could have a penis in the drawer. The last five years, you've heard little things from people. Just jerkoffs.

I mean, I say a lot of your crazy. crazy things, but there's just jerkos who would say women aren't funny. Yeah, and all I have to say to them is who the first person to make you laugh? Your mama. Lucia Ball. Your mama. And my mama. Your mama was the first person to make you laugh.

Think about it. Or was you just not a giggling baby? You just didn't laugh at shit. That's bullshit. All of us laugh. First person to make you laugh is your mama. So what you're saying, if women ain't funny, your mama ain't funny, fuck you, suck my dick. That's how I feel about it.

That shit makes me laugh. My mom used to make me laugh, but Lucille Bull. took me there. Lucille Ball took everybody there, unless you're a fucking woman. Lucille Ball made everybody laugh. So for a statement like that to come out that women aren't funny in general,

even if you just said, yeah, most women aren't funny, Lucile Ball was funny. I'll respect you then. But you're not giving laughs to nobody. You're just saying in general, so that's always been a stupid statement. Me, I don't give it. I'm not going to argue with you on Facebook.

What if I give a fuck? What difference is going to make with it? I'll argue with your ass. like Lucy'll ball so much. Lucy is the shit. You fucking know she's great, but you were like really Do you know that Lucy started out as a dramatic actress? She was an actress and a singer

first. Just a dramatic actress and singer and then she got like by a fluke got a role in a comedy and killed that shit and they just start giving her more comedies and then she started buying up studios, buying up projects like boom getting me radio superstar. She's the

shit. It's not that I like the how can you not watch those shows? I don't know how many episodes they're watching, but how can you not watch any of those shows and not have two favorites that you don't sit there or laugh at? The ones with the cake, the ones with the pizza, the chocolate, the sexaholic, mycaholic.

You know, there's six or seven, maybe three. I like what she tried to be like a dancer, one of his background dancers, whenever she would do that. I love that shit. Ricky was the shit. Yes. You know, Ricky was the shit. Let's figure, listen, Eddie Murphy did a whole thing on her.

I'm delirious. Ricky Ricardo, that's 1950. A Spanish dude on your TV? Stop it. Stop it with those pointy shoes with Mimbo. Just fucking a crazy white bitch. Fucking a crazy white bitch. Come on, guys.

And they ended up fucking making studios. You know, when you go to Machelles in Hollywood, that's where they did the famous pizza scene. Where she's throwing the pizzas up. They read it right there on the street. Right, Michelli's right fucking there. Lucille Ball stood there. So for me,

How can you say a statement like that? And she owned half a Paramount. Yeah, no one. But it was just, I laughed at the lady who just died. She said some of shit. Joan Rivers? She's hilarious. When I was a kid, she went off on Prince's girlfriend.

Apollonia? One of those hoes. She went off on the Tonight Show. She said to her that, how can you like Prince? He makes Michael Jackson. and look like a green beret and all these kids. You know, I liked her.

I remember that stupidity, those little jokes. God knows how many women I've thought that I just, you know, to me, I like that. When a woman makes me laugh, that's attractive to me. That's sexy, right? That's attractive. So I know that it's like, sometimes when I hear,

it's only happened like three times the last couple years with some jerk off has written his hand and said that. But I could just imagine, they say something like that about guy. A guy's ain't fun, whatever. fuck.

Who gives a fuck about these people? What do they know? Right. How hard this to be a prey. And you got married since I last saw you, a divorce? Because for a while, you were living in fucking 80 miles from me. Yeah, because I got married and he tried to move me away. He's trying to take me away from my art.

He thought I was going to quit. He's so stupid. I love talking on the microphone. I love being in front of people. It's my medicine. It's my everything. It's what saved my life, I feel like. It gave me a voice.

It made me feel like. you know, people care. And even if they don't give a fuck, it makes me feel good as shit, and I'm gonna keep on doing that until I die. It saves you in a way. Yeah.

It gives you hope, even when you're in the beginning of it and you're fucking doing creepy shit and you're hooking up. I used to wait at night to see who would lose their fucking phones at the comedy store. I would sit by the thing

and people go, hi, I just found this in the chair and I'm with fucking, the guy at the door, would take it and put it right under here, and he would step out, and I'd go back then and take the fucking phone. And sell it the next day for 45 bucks

on Crenshaw Boulevard. To some black dudes that years later, ended up robbing a bank. Wow. In L.A., and they all got arrested, and they closed the store. They used to hang out at the comedy store. You have no idea.

You have no fucking idea, Lisa. How do you find, like, when you have a phone, how do you find where to sell that? Like, how did you end up at that guy? There was a guy, there was a black dude in the early 2000, I'm going on at the comedy store. That was the real deal. And he was somebody's sugar daddy, like one of those black comedians that's badass. I just forget what her name is.

He was one of the sugar daddies. And he would hang on. We became friends. We were giggled. He was old school from like either Detroit or Chicago, one of those black cities. And they're real black. You know what I'm saying? They're real black.

Real urban. But he was really a gangster. And he did things. Like, I forgot what the... I don't know if he gave was blow. He liked a friend of mine. He was friends with a friend of mine, and we met. And he told me he was in the cell business.

And I asked him, I go, what are you doing? He goes, I buy and sell them. So we know somebody who's got a cell phone. That's why I need to hear. So I would just wait around at night at a comedy store in that day. In those weeks, in those days, three people a week were turning cell phones. and I would call him and he'd either come get him

or I would drive him to Crenshaw and he'd give me a hundred bucks That's what's that And I'd have money on the front of it But years later they robbed something They were producing comedy shows And when they asked around There was cops at the comedy store

I go what's going on They go they're here because that dude robbed the bank and got away with it But they're looking for the money They got away with like $18 million So they threw them in jail for contempt Something fucking these guys got away with it They weren't just little fucking black

dudes on roller skates They're not stupid No They had it planned They were like professionals At this shit So it's You never know who you're gonna meet

Man You know I've never seen the black Dude on a roller skate What It's because you're slipping Cocksucker That's why

Black dudes used to always be On Roller Skies back in the day Who do you think invented What do you think These white dudes Averted fucking roller skates Black people Inverted to roll up

Get it together Get it together You're slipping and shit Yeah white boy Now you've been A transition And you've been shooting A bunch of

movies, right? You've been going to Atlanta and shoot... Yeah, shooting movies, shooting TV shows. You're in this new Chris Rock movie? No. He don't know about you yet. Yes, he does. He knows who I am. He knows who I am. He knows who you. He knows about this Hattish, but I wasn't willing to do it. I was called for in the scene. I just, I didn't feel comfortable with that scene. Did you go to read for it? Yeah, I went to read for a couple of roles in it, and then they said they wanted me to do this, where these, like,

Ratched Girls or whatever, which is cool. I could play Ratchie, but I just couldn't do the part where, like, um, Yeah, I just didn't want to do. I don't even know if it's still in the movie or not, but in the script it was very not cool with me. You know, I don't want no white stuff on my face on camera. And that's it. But I think he's great.

It's a great listen. It looks like it's going to be super hilarious. Yeah, it looks good. He's got everybody in there doing a couple days. I've always liked Chris Rock. But you get into the black market, you know, sometimes you get him with the guy with Atlanta, which you did. Yeah, Tyler Perry.

Yeah, I'm doing a series. with him. A drama. You got to start somewhere, and then you branch out into the white markets, whatever, nothing wrong with being on BET.

I know motherfuckers who give you a finger to be. I love to be on a show on BET as a fucking co-sponsor, some jumping up and down dropping it from the 70s. Yeah, I'm on that real husband

to Hollywood with Kevin. Are you really? Yeah, on BET. You don't fuck around. This is what I'm talking about. No, I can't hear working. I hear grinting. I'm always trying to do something.

I just created my own little talk show called two and a half women where it's me, my psychotherapist, and my little dog, she's a Maltese Yorkie mix, she's a white bitch, that's the half. And so it's two and a half women. And yeah, we just be talking about stuff that's going on

in the world, like booty injections, like what's really going on? Why is bitch is burning their ass out to have ass that ain't even like all that? Like dudes don't even really give a fuck, like you said, about the girl. Like her ass was flat, but the pussy was tremendous. Right? So like, just focus on what you do. God. Bitch, you got no cheeks with

fat lips. Worked them motherfuckers. The first time I noticed I went to Vegas the other day. They were beautiful women. Okay. Now, I'm married. I'm not looking at a woman to fuck them besides them, besides I'm humble and bad. It wouldn't matter.

I just look at you now just to look at you because I'm a fucking man. And I look at women and they get gigantic tits and they walk past me. And they got the worst fucking ass. You've ever seen your life. It's like going out. Have you been to Atlanta? It's like going out washing your pussy but not brushing your teeth. I've done that a few times.

Going out and, you know, like doing dumb shit. I'm an ass man, but look at me. If you were missing a hip, I'd still eat your fucking half of hip. You know, but it's like it looks weird. If you're going to have fake tits, balance it out. Yeah, with some ass. Save half the tit, you know. I want to look half of it.

I want, you know, I like a pretty woman. What's that chick from Blue Bloods? The chick that Tom Brady dumped to be with. Oh, yeah. You know, Tom Brady Oh, yeah. The white chick, mowing the hand.

Oh, yeah. Look at that bit. That bitch is a Tom, not smile. She was in the bar, the movie about the bar with the chicks dancing on the bar from the year.

Oh, the coyote yugling. Yeah, she was in the movie with a little smit. She plays the fucking Martian chick. You know, but you know what I like about it the most? She got little titties.

Me too. Yeah. I got little tities in a nice ass. You know, I like it. I like it. I like it. You like what are the most? I like a woman when they're telling me something.

You're making a statement. You believe in your face and your ass and your pussy. You didn't bail on your pussy. You didn't put it all up here like this. You know when you're out at a bar or something, especially when you're young, we get overpowered by a chick who rubs her tithies on you. There's a woman, when a chick's a runaway

and she's trying to get attention, her tits get there first. You know, they show them to you, so you got tits. It's their fucking weapons of mass destruction. You know, they rub it up on you. you're fucking old. As you get older, you're like,

come on with a bit of trick that magician. Oh, I always like to try to get to lick. If I can get a good conversation in where I can lick a guy's cheek, then I usually win by then. Oh, Jesus Christ, why you can lick a man's cheek?

Yeah, if I can lick a man's cheek, I usually win at that point. I'm getting whatever I want. You can't see if you've got a black cat on his fucking cheek. You want to lick his fucking cheek now. Yeah, if I lick his cheek, that's it.

You don't want to... And if they let me get that close to where I can lick their cheek, I know I'm winning. That's a different attractive to me. when I see a woman with a beautiful face. I'd be like, damn, look at you, baby. And little tits.

What's up? That really attracts you. You like little tities? It's not that I like them. Because I like to give my little titty suck. No, no, it's not. What's up? I mean, come on.

It's not that I like them. Suck my tities, I suck yours. No, no, it's not that I like them. You know what I like about the situation? That you're telling me I didn't go get fake tits just to make me look beautiful. No. It's a different type of beauty you're telling me.

So I dig it. That's what I'm saying. My soul is sexy. I'm not saying. And if you want me to look more beautiful, I can take all these clothes off if you could pay all my bills. You're paying your own bills right now. I know, yeah, I do. You're making it happen.

I do. Fuck Beyonce showing up with that fucking baby. You know what I'm saying? Later on to try to get more money out of it, making bad music. She's getting it too. What are you talking about? That music is good. I'll be jamming to Beyonce.

I like on the run. But when the fuck does she ever go on the run? When the last time she robbed the fucking, what's going to start? Never. But she robbing our pockets. every day we buy her shit. Who she's trying to be Bonnie and Clyde.

Stop. Stop. I mean, they're on the ride when they only come back to you. Ooh. Do, do, do,

do the way are you life. What the fuck, Lysayat? Look at you. You ready for achievement? I have no idea what just happened.

I don't know what happened. Do you think they, like, can hold what just happened? Where are you at next weekend? Next weekend. And where am I? I'm probably going to be at the Laugh Factory.

Y'all be at Laugh Factory. And when do you go out of time? Where are you going to be for New Year's performance? Oh, I don't know. I don't have New Year's books right now. New Year's open, so I'm probably going to be at the Laugh Factory. But, you know, I'm going to be for Christmas, though. I'm going to be all up in England and stuff because, you know,

I'll be meeting these fine-ass dudes that you want me to be places and shit and get this money with me. So I'm about to go to London, England. From the 22nd to the 29th out there showing these lunche the Englanders how we get down in south central Los Angeles. Yes sir. Boom. You're going to do stand-up? No, I'm going to be dancing, but it's the same

thing, no, because it's going to be hilarious. What kind of fucking dancing you're doing? Break it down for me, knock it off. We're dancing. I'm doing a barmenceville. Stand-up. I'm dancing. I'm going to do energy producer. Are you? I didn't know.

Are you putting me on? No, I've been an energy producer for it like since 1996. This is another Felipe. Felipe? What are you talking about? I need this shit now in my life on the Sunday and the bruce you show up with the fucking angels then you're eating a fucking cheeseburger

and how are you telling me you going to England would be an energy producer? Yeah, I produce energy. That's what I do. You felt the energy when I walked through the door. He was like, oh, energy. That's what unicorns do. And I do barmencements. I've done it for over 15 years. You're a unicorn.

I'm the last black unicorn. I'm a magical creature. You catch this bliss. You win it. You understand. me you can only you can only succeed in life if I'm your friend there's no way you can be a failure unless you fuck me over period that's why I love you I love you too but I'm gonna shout out the sponsors are right let's shout them out first of all my favorite people of all

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Trust me. Stay black. Tiffany Hattah. You're a badass bitch. I love you to death. Thank you so much. You bring soda, a milkshake. What did you get with you?

Oh, I have some pink lemonade. Look at you. You want for the pink lemonade. Because I like it. I like lemonade. Keep me post on all your success. You're fucking beautiful. I will.

But before we go. Can you tell me what was the name of that first one again with the mind pills? Alpha brain. Alphabrain. On it.com. On it.com. On it.com. Oh, n.

Yeah. On it. O N. O N. Okay. That's why I couldn't find it. All right. O N.

I had to. You farted. Okay. That's cute. I didn't fart. It was just the way the chair twisted. You know what I would never fart in front of it? What the fuck?

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Oh, shit. She's taking it to another level. Lee, read the fucking credits. Let's wrap this motherfucker up. Listen, have a great Monday. Have a great week. I'm shooting a film this week. I don't know if we're going on Wednesday or Thursday.

I'll keep your motherfuckers post. I love you. Have a great week. Tiffany Haddish. Thank you. Yeah. Lee Syed. I had a great time.

Give me up on Twitter. You bad motherfucker. Stay black. We got a tremendous guest this week. Stay alive. One more time. Tiffany Haddish. Tiffany Haddish.

It's Tiffany like the diamonds had dish. Thank you. Leave the shape of your link. Why are you getting that and are going on with yourself, huh? Show is sponsored by Onit.com. Go to Onet.com and use code word church to get 10% off of any of their great products. AlphaBrain, new mood, shroom tech, export. Go to NailedatLife.com to get the premier vapor pin on the market for people who smoke oil or wax or and wax.

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