The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #238 - Joey Diaz, Rodrigo Torres, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 11, 2014

Rodrigo Torres, Comedian, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. Recorded live on 12/10/2014.Music:The Doors - Roadhouse BluesSound Garden - Fell On Black Days

This show is sponsored by Naturebox. NatureBox ships great tasting healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a completely free NatureBox sample box at naturebox.com slash Joey. That's right. Free NatureBox snacks are found at naturebox.com slash Joey. They give you four small bags and one big bag.

They don't even charge you for shipping. You can choose the snacks you want, the type, crunchier, or sweet. Give it a try, and you can also go to joey-d-d-des.net and click on the Naturebox banner. Show is also brought to you by meundies.com. Go to meundees.com and check out the picks of all the different styles of underwear they have. And for all the girls out there, they have hot-looking boy shorts. Go to meundies.com slash joey. And right now, only right now, you're going to get 20% off of your first order.

that are even offering free shipping, completely free shipping in the United States and Canada, shows also brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onet.com and use codeworthchurch, or you can just go to the Joey Diaz.net.net. And when you do that, you're going to get 10% off of all of the great supplements, AlphaBrain, New Mood, ShrmTac Immune, Shrmtec Sport. I was very lucky to meet Joe Rogan last weekend. He says it takes four before and four in the middle of the UFCs of Alphabrain, so go try it out. Church 10% off. And the show is also brought to you by Iron Dragon TV.

Iron Dragon TV is a brand new Roku station, a Roku channel, has all of the great martial arts films. If you use Code Word Joey, you're going to get two free rentals. And starting in the new year, they're going to have 4K technology. They're owned by nanotech, which sponsors a lot of UFC fighters like Tim Kennedy. Oh shit. Just me thought you were going to sit there. And do what?

Are you kidding me or what? Wednesday night, motherfuckers. December 10th. Plain and fucking simple. Keep your eyes on the road and the hands upon the wheel. Must I say any fucking more? The church of what's happening now?

Are you fucking kidding me or what? Listen to that shit right there. Come on to, send this, people. And we're back of the roundhouse I got some bogalows The church motherfuckers In the house My main man, the flying Jew

My other little brother Rodrigo Torres Coming at you direct You're like, Joey, where the fuck you've been? I'm busy, I've been shooting a movie for a few days We had Tiffany Hadish on Why are you asking questions guys? I'm fucking Sunday night So we haven't been around

But we're back to the normal schedule next week And that's that, all right? Don't be fucking asking questions What's up with you? Your mom's in town. I call you. I call you. I call you like a half a fag.

No, I'm not. Hello? He picks up the phone. Well, we were at dinner. Hello? That's a bad fucking Italian dinner car. I knew what he said. I'm like, Fat Tony's on Lancashim.

I hope he didn't go to that place across from the CVS. It's got the bad pizza. Where the one night they brought the pizza, Red Band gave me the original recommendation. So that right there alone tells you it's fucking terrible. We were high. Jesus Christ, That's why I don't like fucking coffee in the studios.

I got to throw that shit out. No good to have coffee in the fucking studios or in your car. I don't like it. That's what always happens and shit. We drink water. Sorry about that. So here's the thing. What?

What? Steve Simone wanted to go out to dinner with my mom and I. Steve Simone wants to jump off Little Canyon Boulevard. You got a jump in them, cut it's up. Really? Yeah. What the fuck? That's what you got?

You got you look the quickest wit west of the Mississippi. That's it. That's plain and simple. You got to go, no. Let's go to Mazzarinos. I said that, but I had to come back here. It was, the salad was disgusting, but the entree was pretty good. You just grew a burp before that smelled like billy goat meat.

I smelled the whole world over here. You understand me? No, you're asking you to smell like a cucket. How can you talk about smells that come out of anyone's body after you have had like two or three episodes with, and I'm just jealous of the most amazing farts? But at least it's not a burp that comes out of my mouth. What's wrong with the bird?

Because it's not like hummus meets fucking Chinese food and you had Italian. That's what's wrong with that, you fuck. If you have Italian food, it's just not like a fucking guido in here. Not like a fucking dead lamp chop, especially after you ate. I had Mediterranean food for lunch. That's what it is.

That's other disgust. One day you're going to call him from the doctor. They don't have a drill bit up your ass. I can't go to the fucking thing. I haven't shit in 18 days. Because you put that hummus. and you mix it with that Mediterranean food, it's amazing.

That's good. What's going on, Rodrigo? Fucking chilling, man. I'm happy to have you on here. Rodrigo's a dear friend. Hell yeah. Before the P and podcast was fucking invented and shit.

2001. They're at Gilbert Escobiles' little VFW. FFW with the tacos. Those burritos in that fucking up. Those are the bombish burritos in L.A. In L.A. They're bomb. And the tacos.

50 cents tacos. What? Why are we here? Let's go there. Delicious. You just gave me half of a lot. cookie. All right.

How many a girl else is a cookie? 10. No, come on. 10. 20. Who cares?

You still worried about that cookie you want to? Oh, I'm not worried about that. I just know him'll be dead. You got a cape dog. You're cool. He used to take an acting class together with the gay guy that used to

Arthur Mendoza. Longin's Fishburn. We had fucking We did an acting class in the backyard with the cats were discovered. With the African, the old guy with the piss on his pants. Fucking tremendous.

We've been around a long time. I figured I had mom just a very Sabwa Fair type of podcast. Yeah. You know, can you put it on Twitter, please? Because I couldn't do it from the house. Yeah, of course. Let them know we're live and rocking and rolling here. So I went and saw it on a jeopardy tape today.

I saw that. It was pretty great. You did? You had a good time with Mom? Yeah. You had half a gummy bear? No. So.

You walked in their fucking soul. I was the youngest person there. They bust a group of school kids in, but like people who signed up, everyone was like 90. They had three bathroom breaks. Little ladies that look like Martin Scorsese's mom. Pretty much. Did you know anything? No.

No, I mean, I didn't participate. Why don't you go on? You're smart, do you? No, I mean, I would like to, but no. You should go on a game show. You're just laying around. What game show would you be good at? There must be good 80s.

The price is right. Suck my dick. That's the game show I'm good at all right. That's the game show I'm good at all right. Let's work through it. What's the game show? What do you do? I'm going down to the stage is Amanda.

Suck this dick. From Berlin, Ohio. Hi, Amanda. How are you? Are you married? Yeah, how many kids? You got 14. Why are you here? I'm a school teacher, but we need money for a house.

So what is your deal? Listen, I could suck a dick. And then you get another school teacher from the Bronx, and they both suck the host his dick. Who makes the hose eyes pop up? I don't fucking know. Eat a cookie? What are they?

No game show. You think I sit at home and watch fucking game shows? You know, I'm a king of swing. You watch the game show? You got a hammer? Yeah. And you break into somebody's house. It's my game show.

It's called burglary. That's the game show I fucking grew up. What is it called on the price is right? Price is right. Where you get a whole bunch of gifts or like it's like a... A grab bag. No, there's a group of like things. Like behind door number,

behind door number A is this. A washing machine. That's what the prize is on a... A microwave. Let me suck your dick. Come on down. It's like my dick. What the fuck?

No, that's, no. No, the gift is you get to break into somebody's house. Have like 30 seconds before they call the comps. That's actually a pretty good game show. You got to write something new every day. But you took mom today? That's very nice of you. Yeah.

Even though if I was you, I would have paid I would have given the Mexican chick 20 bucks. She's studying right now. Who gives her fuck what she's doing? You give her 20 bucks. Come on over. I got to talk to you about something. Fucking whatever marital law pass.

You ain't going to do good in that division. Marital law. You take the mom down in jeopardy today to knock them out of the fucking part. Rodrigo's going to law school also. Really? Yeah, got a year complete. stopped and fucking been on the road and shit, but

I got to hear of your complete criminal law, fucking torts. Yeah. Contracts. Do you like it? He's going part time, but at least he's going. A lot of motherfuckers don't go. Yeah, I like that shit because the law, this is what's up with that shit. In the end, whatever you do, whether it's fucking a contract and civil or fucking

getting sued civilly or something criminal, you end up in the fucking courthouse. This nation's built on laws. It's a constitution. So that's the essential part where everybody goes in the end. You know what I mean? if you ain't got no fucking legal help or if you ain't got a hookup or ain't got no money

fuck you're fucked that's why people that rule the world you know use these motherfuckers to articulate their deals so when are you going to go back to the school now I'm thinking about a year in a year you go back and how much time do you have left

two years yeah that's a great commercial for your future law firm hey dog with those law shit you got a good representation yeah that and then you know he's not lying he's not lying you need a lawyer

every fucking day and we just don't get it and that's why we continue to get fucked in the ass. Think about it. When you get in a car wreck, there's lawyers involved. Yeah. When you're doing fucking, when you're buying a fucking car, that's a contract right there. That's a legal binding contract. You don't pay that'll take you to fucking court and boom. Make your ass pay. Put a lien on your ass. My mom's a lawyer. Oh, shit. She's already talks to me about you should trademark flying Jew.

That's a badass little logo. A little shirt and a little cape on the back. That's a pimp ass shirt. I'm not doing the one with the cape. No, that one's the same. Prototype. I have the hummus one. That's it. It would be less just to hire an attorney. And also to know that, you know, to have a, you mentioned that you've had attorney homies and friends that you know that actually give you the ins and out. Maybe you can do something yourself or like have some device without charging you fucking $300,500,000 a thousand dollars an hour. It's so interesting the whole law thing. Like, and how lucky I was with it and how I came about it and how I learned about it. And I knew from the very beginning.

I knew from growing up in a house in the world, my mom and stepdad lived. They always had an attorney. And they had an attorney, you could call it two in the morning. That's it. I need your cell phone number. I need the phone next to where you sleep. Because in our business, it goes down at 3.30 in the morning. Is it like Fear and Loathingland-Las Vegas attorney?

Or is it like a real legitimate attorney? No, of course. You have to be legit. One of the fucker that has a license that you practice. Whether you're doing bad shit or you're doing good shit, you need an attorney. No matter what, it all ends up in that fucking room in front of that guy in the fucking with a gown and gown. It's just a court. If you do $10 million a year, you're going to pay a guy.

million a year. Wow. But you're going to save four million by paying him a million. So why you're fucking around? It's a painful million, but every move you make is covered. You look at the motherfucking go, come here. What do you make usually a year? Well, what do you make usually? I make 700 times. I'm going to give you a million. But I tell you what, that million entitles. When I call you, I don't want to hear boo. Like if you're playing with your kids, I'm like a mafia darn. I need you there. And this guy covers. You. Like Humboin Carlito's way, but he just took it too far.

Well, have you seen Breaking Bad? Yes. With Saul? Is there people like that? There are people like Saul, but those guys always get stabbed. Oh. Those guys always get shot. Really?

Yeah, they take money. Who kills them? Whoever they take the money from. Oh, shit. They think they're cool because they're standing in the tip of the law. Okay. But some guy that you took $80,000 from that gets out of prison and was counting his $80,000, he's going to shoot you. Fuck.

He's going to shoot you. You know, when people go away to prison sometimes, I knew people gave away money to their attorneys to hold. There you go. They got out. The attorney's gone. And there you go, too. That's not a good decision.

And there you go. Three, four hundred thousand dollars. To some people, it's nothing. To a guy getting out of fucking jail, that's a lot of fucking money. You know, that guy's killed somebody. Why would you run away with his money? If I had a great client, I'm an attorney,

and he pays me a great retainer a year. Yeah, that's how you have them on hold there. You have to give them 100%. customer satisfaction, you know, and think of all this. Like, I'd call him at three in the morning. Hey, man, I just went on American Airlines and fucking... They're trying to fuck with me on an upgrade. You better get those motherfuckers on the stick.

My fucking got me first class and shit. Yeah, he's giving me an upgrade. You got to go in there. I mean, that's what they... But at the end of the week, that's what they do. When you have a... Listen, there's indeed... Let's get this out of the way. For you to be a great attorney, you've had to have walked a little bit on the criminal side. That's some part of the other one.

Both sides of it. You don't want your attorney. We live in a fucking joke world. And the joke world we live in is that we hire Lee's mom. I just got busted with 30 kilos of bloke. I call Lee's mom, and I give Lee's mom money. She sets up the bail. She gets me out of there.

And Lee's mom is going to take it to court win. If that's what I think, I'm fucking deadly wrong. You have to get an attorney who knows his way around the court. courthouse. Hell yeah. They have... How to cancel paperwork, how to stall this

attorney, how to stall this judge. How this guy works. How this guy works. This guy takes... You know what? You know what? Man, in unity of their strength.

The Boston Red Sox didn't win the World Series that year because one guy won it for them. So when you have a great attorney, you have a great attorney team. Hell yeah. And they cost money. Oh.

They cost money. So that's why in the end of the week you got to figure in more, listen, guys, we made $6 million. And we paid this guy's $700,000. let's pay this guy a million next year, but we've got to make $9 million

to make him be worth a million. Yeah. What he's getting paid for? So, like, you've talked about how your lawyer bills in Colorado were $18,000, roughly, right? Let's say you paid, let's say you had $100,000. Is there an amount of money you could have spent for a lawyer that would have just gotten you off?

Even though it's a serious crime? There was no lawyer that would have got me off. They just mitigate you down. They give you lesser time, if that goes. This was the problem. Every case has something. Every criminal case has something. Let's give you two examples.

The same attorney has Rodrigo and Joe Diaz. And Rodrigo killed the guy in self-defense, but he's poor. And Joe Diaz shot at a

cop, but he's paying a half million dollars. I guarantee I'll get four years but Regigo get 12 because this kind of fucked up

even when he's an attorney he's going to work the more money he's worth and more money you give him the harder he's

going to work for you say you try to get some money together in the fucking bills $25,000 you only got

$5,000 you're going to get $5,000 worth of work. Do you guys consider that racist? What's that?

About how... No, it's a battle with the resources in the end. Even when you're in the game and you've got

attorney say this corporation has these attorneys, you know who's badass? Who can actually win that team that you can get together and beat the shit out of those other guys and prevail. But there's also a kid out there that just graduated college. You look at him, he didn't

look like much of an attorney. You know, but you could tell you don't sleep much. He sleeps in his car. A homeboy from the rain man. This is his whole life. The rain man. And you go to him and you go, this is what I need for 3,000. He gets you off. I've been involved with attorneys since I was a young man overlooking my mother. My mother would take me so I could interpret. Okay, so as a kid, you know, I went... This is in Jersey when she had Sam DeLuca. Sam DeLuca was the main attorney. And I learned a lot from San DeLuca

because Sam DeLuca didn't have a... What do you call me that? He didn't have a sense of humor. And he just told you. You got a piece of paper, Joey? Jose, no, I won't grab one. Tell your mother this. Tell your mother, they heard her on the phone.

They heard her on the phone taking numbers. Did you hear her voice? No, we didn't hear her voice. But her number was dialed. And she picked up the phone. Somebody picked up the phone. Her number was omitted. Here's the deal.

They got her. Let's pretend they have her on the phone. Whatever your mom wants to do right now. So this is what's going to happen. They're going to give her six years. But if she wants to do two years, it's going to cost $75,000. is she wants to do one year

it's going to cost $100,000 if she wants to do no time it's going to cost $150,000 I need $75,000 on my desk by Monday because I've got to get the DA working on this and I've got to get an investigator to do the tapes and this and this and this

that's it, that's it. Especially like a place like New Jersey where they already have that established so let me know how you want to do how's the bar doing everything doing good All right. I got a 10.30.

I'll see you, mom. Tell you mom, I love it. I'll see you in two weeks. I need the money. How do you think a lawyer gets into that? It's just how you feed you get into this. He was 50. You figure he's been doing this since he was 28. Yeah.

You've been a lot of people here. And you give and take. Yeah, yeah. It's a given take. That's the other thing. It's a given take. What if I'm representing him and me? And I go in front of the DA,

and I go, listen, Diaz paying me somebody. You know? give Rodrigo 50 fucking years. Make Rodrigo escape go. That happens too. Fuck. Whether you want to not believe that shit, that shit, you know. And whether you want to believe it or not, it works.

That's what the legal system is. And sometimes you get caught. And I thought when I got arrested and I went through what I did, I thought I was getting the shafts and I was very fortunate. I didn't have an attorney again from the time I was a kid. Then I got a pro bono attorney after my mom died. They tried to help me with some stuff. nothing of a paned out.

Then I got in trouble, and I had a hiring attorney. He was a cool motherfucker. He was a crazy dude that I got out of the Jersey City. I don't know what his name was. I know how to take a bus to see him. But he would tell me the same shit. A Italian dude, or what was he? He was an Irish kid, like a white Irish dude.

And he shed an office of the people who stamp your paperwork. Oh, the black. A legal? The black lady from next door The notary Notary, she was a notary. And, you know, he was just fucking wild. But he got the job done.

He went to like Rutgers and something else law. I had him for a burglary with the weapons charge. I had him for... It sounds like people discussing their college professors. Oh, I had that dude for math. I had that dude for a burglary. Oh, no way, I had him for... Those motherfuckers are professors.

Then I left. And then I called him on that at like one in the morning. And this is how quick it was. Like, I asked the bailiff to go on my paperwork and see what the attorney was on the case. And he came back and he gave me the guy's number. I called his numbers and the old school answer machine. Not the number. But if this is an emergency, call me at the home.

I blasted that motherfucker at 2 in the morning. He was like, Joey D. is great to hear from me. Two in the morning. He was still owe me 170. from the last case. What can I do for you? I go, remember that case? They just arrested me on a bum.

Okay, this is what you're going to do. You're going to put the bailiff on the phone. But when can you show up with $500 at my office? I'm going to get you out tonight. All right, but when can you? I mean, that's how good he was. That's crazy. $500 the next day.

I had to go borrow $3.15. Take a bus to his fucking place. Get $500. But I'm out. Their hustlers. Your job is to stay out. So let's say I'm a drug dealer. like a big drug dealer.

And I have a bunch of money. If I get arrested, do I get to use that money to pay for a lawyer? Well, whatever they don't get. If they find that shit on you, they're confiscating that shit, taking it as evidence. So let's say you have $500,000 at your moms, $500,000 at your dad's, $200,000 at my house, and $200,000 at some restaurant. You know, some Mexicans that have a safe in the back.

Yeah, because that's what you do after a while. After a while, you start making so much money. You don't want it on you. So you just go to your... your buddies, no, isn't. If I pay your rent for a year, you can put a safe in the war and I want nobody in this fucking house, don't know. Nobody in this fucking house. I got a half a million in there.

I'm not going to give you the combination, and you ain't going to be able to get into it. But there's a half a million in there. If this goes missing, I'm putting a bullet in your head. But until that time of the pay your rent for a year, what would you do, Lee? It's a good deal. It's a good deal. They're really scary with a bullet in the head, but it sounds like a good deal. Let's say I got 2.5 mil.

And they take me for 1.5. I got a mill. All right. So I call an attorney. I have Rodriguez go pick up a half a mill and bring it to the attorney in the morning. I'll be out by the afternoon. They'll raise bail. So that deposit's made.

Shit, she's cracking. Right. Now I got a half a mill to work with. I got material on the street. And I'm out. But I'm out. The 1.5 that the cops found in your house, you're never getting that back. Yeah.

You might get back $2.2. especially when it comes to that high level shit or anybody you don't want to be in that cage and as good as your guy is that's why some motherfuckers never go to jail you pay to stay out of the cage because no matter what while I'm out of making money that's the most important thing

operation keeps rolling that's what's the most important thing to keep my client out to make them money if he listens to what I have to tell him I'll keep him off of years I'll keep him out for fucking 18,000 fucking years It's going to cost them.

It's going to cost them. Yeah. But it is kind of fucked up about how, so like so many white, like not, but stereotypically white people. You guys get pulled over time. Yeah. You get DUI.

Some people are going to hire an attorney and pay $2,000 and get away with murder. I'm not saying murder, but they're not going to overlook a lot of things in an attorney. They're not going to overlook with you by yourself. So it's a big decision to say, well, am I cheap?

because at the end it's still going to cost me but you might get this reduced you might do things you might not know there's a program that you know that guy's good he'll be like yeah you know you said my you know my client's eyes were blurry in the picture you took a picture of them three hours late two two hours later you know his eyes were fucking blurry and shit they weren't they weren't red you know shit hinges on that he could sure that's a very interesting story i'll tell you that i never told in the podcast i got in trouble in Seattle but I had been in trouble in This is how sharp some people are. Because this is all the law is,

is you being sharp with your words. So I had gotten arrested in Colorado. I had done time. Okay? I had two felonies in Colorado. I got arrested in Seattle. Five, six years later, it was a felony. This attorney went in,

convinced the DA to put me in this program where there's no jail time from a slow charge on the first felony. They went, they dropped it down to nothing, harassment, and they threw it out, and I didn't get a felony. She threw the paperwork, and she goes,

they're going to catch it, and I'm going to play stupid. I'm like, oh, I didn't know about his record. She ran it, they signed it. The one in Denver? Yeah, the DA never signed, they're going to look at the paperwork. So this is what a sharp attorney

does, just little things like that. Little things like that that they overlooked. But she could have said, no, he's got a felon. I'll never get away with it. She don't, fuck it. Let me run it by her. See if she catches it. She's on her motherfucking toes. When she came to see me, I went to the office.

She goes, I got you in that program. They never caught the felon. It's too late now. I paid that woman $1,200. What happens if you skip bail? Then you're done. You've got a warrant. Then a bail comes out to a warrant. Here's the worst thing about skipping bail.

Now I can't get out. Now you're making it tougher to get out. All those years, me fucking around, the number one lesson, a friend of mine told me was like, make all your court appearances. They hate that shit. Failure to appear. FTAs.

FTAs. Don't fuck with FTAs. Do not mess with failure to appear. If you got to be that nine, get there at 8.30. And you know what those motherfuckers just keep clogging up the system, making that shit slower? You know what I mean? Fucking with them.

Say, get pissed. Don't fuck with the system I hadn't attorney one time In that sense I borrowed a friend's car I must have been 18 I did something I got like a speeding ticket

And something else Driving a zone or something It was like a $600 ticket back then It was something fucking Cross over the double yellows and shit And I signed the ticket And the guy impounded my friend's car And I had to borrow 300 to get the car out

and, you know, I was embarrassed for a few days. I had a court date, and I told my friend about it. He was, bro, call my cousin. And I called his cousin, and I told the cousin of truth. The guy goes, listen, he gave me like $1.25 and get me a half gram of Coke. I'm going to fucking teach you some shit. And I go, all right, I gained $1.25. I gave him a half gram of coke.

He scheduled the ticket was like for the following month maybe. He scheduled for like three months. But I don't think about it. He's like, you know, I go on the court. like to November. I'm like, it's fucking July. He's like, pushing that shit back?

Yeah, he pushed it back. And he had it for 9.30 on a Wednesday morning. But he told me to show up to the court at 10 o'clock. He goes, I don't want you in the court before 9.30.

I wanted him to set a bail, I want them to set a bench warrant. Bench warrant, Alfie. And I'm going to walk you in there. at 10.05. He goes, you got like two and a half hours before he gets to the bookkeeper.

This guy was a bad motherfucker. And the cop went. The cop got up, left. Because you weren't there. Ciked his ass out. That's hysterical. That's hysterical. The cop wasn't there.

Little things like that. So for $175, if I didn't have that $175, I would have got points, $600. Was he even a lawyer? Or was he just like, Yeah, he was a fucking...

Imagine he does that shit 10 times in one day. Yeah, that's it. So, I don't know if you've even talked about it. If you don't want to, you don't have to. But, like, what's going on with Seattle and the Warren up there? It's the same shit. They want me to turn myself in and go in.

That's it. But it's not skipping bail, because if you skip bail, they'd come to get you. No, no, no. It's a 17-year-old warrant of me not going to anger management class. That's fucked up. So they want me to go to class and then do purpose after paperwork. By the way, Greg and Linda sent us row.

Oh, thank you. And a gift certificate for us for Ruth Chris. Oh, nice. So we'll go eat that motherfucker next week and we'll thank them to send them a little care package to his shirts and whatnot. That whole process, I was always intrigued with it.

Before comedy, before film, before anything, I wanted to be an attorney. I saw the shit works. And I went to, I sent the guy who got me into the, I found him on Facebook. Who? The guy who got me into. the C-U-O-P opportunity program in the University of Colorado.

I found them on Facebook and I friend of them. I never heard back, and I sent them one of those Puerto Rican messages. What's that? What's a Puerto Rican message? They cost you like 50 cents or something like that. Something crazy. I have no idea what you're talking about. And I never replied back, but I just wanted to thank him and let him know.

He pushed really hard for me to get to the C-U-O-P in Boulder. And I had all the tools in Boulder guys. I had all the tools and bowl the guys. I had them over a fucking barrel the first time my life. But the addiction, the love for the Coke was strong and the love to become an attorney. That was it looking back at it? That's exactly it. Why end up kidnapping somebody?

Why would you kidnap somebody? Listen, guys. I was in the C-U-O-B. I was in the C-U-O-P work study program. They gave me $2,000 a semester just for being in the program. Then they gave me a $2,200 Pell, which is free. Another grant? Which is free.

That's free money. So I was getting $2,200, just a fucking semester. And if I was greedy, they'd give me another $2,600. That's hooked up fat. For a loan. And I could get like another $22 of those $1,000, $1,000, Latino organization of America. They'll give you $8 and shit.

Just write them a ladder. Louis Lame. That's it. You just write them a letter? Can I write a letter? I'm sitting there 50 fucking bucks. And it's really amazing how much money they have available to you. there's money just sitting there.

They have to spend it. They have it in their budget to give out, you know. If you contact the power of Christ, I'm telling you. You want to give me. It's like 100 milligrams. How do you feel for that? That was 20 million. No, it wasn't.

You said those were 30 milligrams, and it turned out to be 30 milligrams each, so I had 90 milligrams. And how'd you feel? Tremend? Fucked up. You went home the next day, you had no fucking muscle, aches.

You walked in the treadmill. know like a soldier. How many minutes? You just like... Forty-five. How many calories you got left? I don't know. Not many.

Like 500, maybe? 400. I said, I don't know. I haven't... I didn't put my dinner in... So I don't know how much it is. You work out every day? I try to.

I try to. It's like usually six days a week, but I went like two weeks straight without missing a day once. Hell yeah. I just got a jump rope. Why would you say that in front of Joey? You know who Joe.

Who? Joey is. You don't tell me how to jump rope. I just got a jump rope. I used to like six times. I tell you something. A jump rope is very good for you. Oh, come on. I went to Jeopardy and he gave me shit. He said he has a jump rope. Five minutes on a jump rope was equivalent to 20 minutes of jog. And the reason I want to do it is because like, fuck it.

I just play 12 bucks for this thing. Fuck, trying to be cheap. Not go to a gym. If I really want to work out, just pull that shit inside the truck and do it. You should, fuck it. It's an apartment. People get a jump rope, push up, some squats, some sit-ups. The basic shit. A basic shit. You look like fucking...

Everybody wants to put on some gear and go to the gym. Can you do a spin thing where you like frost them? Oh, I don't know about all that shit. I don't know. But it's traditional. They took really good care of me. So he was a Mexican dude. So again, when we spoke about law as a counselor, he goes,

oh, you got to do, just give me the work. And I'd say, what are you talking about? Just give me the word. Was I get you into the law school like that. The dude who do this and this is a fucking Mexican deal. So he says this to me. He says this to me about this Mexican dude that runs the dean of the law school. They were very white and bolder.

So what they were trying to, like the first attorney I had when I kidnapped Bella, his name was Sunny Flowers. And his mother was the first black attorney to graduate from the University of Colorado. It was a black guy named Sunny? Sunny Flowers. And his mother was the first black attorney, yes. So this is how I touched these people's lives and they touched my life. this is why I was very fortunate to do that.

No, those are fucking opportunities that don't fucking come around and don't regular people. I wanted to be an attorney and here I am involved in this thing. So in my delusional mind because delusion, when you're fucking delusional, in my delusional

mind, I was going to beat this kidnapping case. I was really going to beat this kidnapping again. And at this time, I wasn't as delusional as I was at 21. Sometimes when we're 21 and it was called not accepting. responsibility, which made me delusional.

You know, we'll go back to the Joe Rogan conversation a little while. We'll talk about that. I know you want to talk about that. You're young, so you don't really play. You place the blame on all the things around you. So at that time, I was fucking delusional. But by the time I got to see your O.P, by the time I kidnapped Canada. Now, this guy tells me about his buddy in the law school and how all he has to do is make a

call. And if I complete this program, I'll be. I'm the first guys on the list because this is a feather in that cap. I was part of Latino. It was for blacks and Latinos. Fucking affirmative action. And guys, I would never do it.

But Colorado came to me after I had taken like 60 credits. They came to me and said, you have to transfer. If you transfer into the regular thing, we're not going to accept you, but if you transfer into Jose Diaz, we'll take him to see your O.P.

And we'll give you this. And it was a great opportunity for a guy. Like me, I lost my mother. I didn't get Social Security. I didn't do anything, you know. So I felt okay. Finally, the system's giving me something. Grab a little something.

So I took advantage of the system. I was there for two semesters, and I got in trouble for the kidnapping. And then I continued to go to see you while I was out on bail. They didn't need to know. It was nobody's fucking business that I was out on bail.

It made the papers, but nobody caught it. Not like Jeremy or called me into his office and said, hey, man, what's going on here? So I never told nobody. So in the process, I get in trouble in Boulder. I fire sunny flowers, and I pick up. Poor son. And I pick up the phone.

And who do I contact? DeLuca. My mother's old attorney. This is, I haven't seen Sam DeLuca since the Wake, eight years early. And what do you say? I tell him my situation that I'm having a problem in Boulder. I kidnapped some dude. I needed bail money.

I had bail money. And he said to me, kid, I got to be honest with it. How much money do you have? Not looking good. And I said, I probably got 20 grand. He goes, it's going to cost you 40 just for me to get on the plane. And that's not for the hotel room or the limo.

That's just to start things off. Or the suit for your preliminary hearing. Because he liked suits. So you got a show, but it ain't a lot of a suit. There's some fools that go in there performing. Amazing. It was fucking amazingly. He goes, I'll tell you what I will do.

I have a friend at the University of Colorado. Spanish, dude. You're going to love him. So the same friend that James Jeremiah had was the same friend, Sam DeLuca had. In Colorado. In Colorado. So I took his number, and I called the guy direct,

and the guy was willing to see me for a small fee. They always charge. He wanted $400 an hour. He goes, I will consult you for 400 an hour. Guys, I thought my head was going to blow up. But when I called his office and I told DeLuca, because at that point, DeLuca didn't even pick up the phone anymore.

His receptionist was like, he wants to know what you want. I go, he wants $400 an hour. And she goes, hold on, click. And he got back and he goes, listen, you either do it or you don't. But kidnapping, I would listen to this guy. I paid the 400 bucks And I went in there like on a Monday at 5 And the guy sat with me from 5

To about 7.30 And he told me the truth He goes, you're going to jail He goes, I read this out He goes, as I was reading it I knew he goes, that's what I do As I read them, I let you know Going off the facts

You're talking off the facts He goes when I read this Oh my God, that was you You're famous And we start talking He goes, here's the deal. They found the machine gun. I mean,

listen, brother, right there while I was talking to him, he picked up a phone. And he was like, when did you get arrested? November 18, Diaz, okay, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, hold on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me five minutes. I have your file here. And this is 20 years

ago. He goes, I'll have your file here faxed in 10 minutes. Money talks. Tell me your story, and I told him within seven, eight minutes, some badass white chick came in with a file this dick. He just handed it to him. He put his glasses on. Took out the police report.

Red it, took this, took that, started doing circles. And he goes, here it is, man. You get in charge with kidnapping one and two. He goes, you pay me $50,000 cash. And I'll handle everything. They appeal everything. But I got bad news for you. You're doing 90 days.

90 days. He goes, you're doing 90 to 120 days. Thanks, shit. But he goes, you're doing it in a work release. He goes, this is if I go in. If you cut me a check right now for $40,000, I'll get on the phone before you leave. By next Tuesday, I'll have a deal.

You will do 120 days in a work release program. But you'll be out in the street, six, seven hours a day to work. Maybe I'll let them take a class. Maybe take a drug class. But you'll be out. For kidnapping in the machine? That's it?

But he goes, this is the deal. You're going to do 100 days no matter what. Even if you pay me three, because I told him. So for 40,000, because I was ready to kidnap 10 more, motherfuckers. Because kidnapping is hard for you. That's 99 years. But he already had a plan down his mind. This guy was this slick.

He goes, what I'm going to do is this? He goes, I'll charge you. So I was like, what if I gave you a 60? He goes, you're still going to do 100 days. So that was mandatory amount of it. What if I gave you on? 100. What you're just going to do on in 40 days? He goes, you got caught with a weapon.

He goes, that's not your weapon. Your fingerprint was on it. But two other three people say, you were in that room and that weapon was in the room. You're going down. So he goes, I know you don't have the money of paying me, but I'll tell you what I will do. I'll push you to three attorneys. But if you walk him with these three attorneys, then I can intimidate the judge or the city of both. You can't go into the city of both.

with a double-breasted, bald-headed guy that talks like me, they're going to throw you out. They're going to throw you in jail. Yeah, I know. And that's what this guy was telling me. He goes, if you're going there with me, they're going to throw you in jail. They know what I'm worth. They know I spend $52 for lunch every day for myself.

They don't like that shit. They don't like that. You can tell by this guy's suit. He was a Mexican where he was in a country club. He played golf. He fucking shot pool with the President of the United States. At that time, he had done something. This Mexican put some law together in Colorado.

He was a good looking, he looked white. He didn't look Mexican. He had played pool with somebody. It was him and some president, like playing pool. So he knew people. Well, you're connected. He knew people. And that's the other thing, you know, political help.

So you're a judge, you're in the fourth district. All that shit helps. You really want political help. I have a client, Lisa. Yeah. His wife says she smacked the doctor said nothing happened. I know you can find it in your heart. to see somewhere in between that.

And if you do, I will make that call, Your Honor. It's time for you to get reelected to the fourth Senate of the judicial of Washington. I will be there. And that's how it is. It's a matter of words. Because everybody knows everybody's worth 250 votes. When you die, they make 250 mask cards.

Everybody knows 250 people. So if you know 250 people, and I badmouthed, you, the 250 people, those 250 people are going to go bad-mouthed. You know, when you want to get somebody out of jail, you don't pay a lot of money. Sometimes you just start writing letters to the judge. Piles of letters. Letters that every time he looks at one, he sees your name,

and he goes, Jesus Christ, because not only is he getting political help, but not only are you letting the judge know, you know people and you have ties to the community, but you're also letting the judge know that you have friends, and those friends are voters. And those voters someday you're going to vote, they're going to vote for you because you let their friend go.

that too you have no idea Lee how many ways there is to skin a cat there's a thousand ways to skin a cat shit it's different ways to work it it's just if you know the system you can figure it out and play with it and that's why I like law I personally would have done very well with law because there's a thousand ways to get to the end of that valley

coming from a criminal family I know the importance of one thing staying out in the street is everything If you get arrested at 1115 and you get to the cell at 1145 and I'm there at 1150, I'm going to

get you on the 1 o'clock docket. Okay? Well, you might not make that docket till Monday if you get arrested Friday morning. And you're a Mexican and fucking out like? I'll tell you in front of the cops. I'm following this cop car to the fucking station. That means that cop car got to do 50 miles an hour.

It can't do 10. So sometimes they hold you just to hold you for three or four days. If you have an attorney, I'm going to get right there with you. Boom. I'm going to put you on that 5 o'clock docket. Let's go. Lee, go to the house.

Move. Move. Lee, go to the other house and get another $200,000 cash. We're getting this motherfucker out today. Phone calls are made. Yeah, go see the Jew bail bonds. Up on the Polo de Boulevard, give him $250,000. We got to get this guy out a million dollars bail.

Yeah, but it's 10%. He don't matter. He won't do it unless you give him. That's how it's called. And right there, you got your client. out for the weekend. Now he could go out and he could think. Now he could figure out how he could. Listen, like I said, all those expenses that you and I look at and our head explodes, a serious businessman looks at and says it's a cost of doing business.

It's the cost of doing business to keep that fucking machine going. I'm going to look at the figure. I'm going to rip it up and it's over. I've got to go steal with three hands now. Hell yeah. You know, I got to go steal with three fucking hands. And that's it. You know, the best time to get arrested is after you've been arrested. What? Best time to get arrested is after you've been arrested.

I thought it was the opposite of that. No. So let's say you stab somebody on Monday and you get out on Tuesday, you get the Maluk on you. You will get arrested by Friday. 50% of people get arrested for something stupid.

That's just the way it is. This is the law of recidivism. Yeah. And it's... So, I don't even know what my point is. Motherfuck is probably... That is probably... That's giving you.

That's... The perpetual fucking criminality. The perpetual criminality. So I know one thing for a fact that, like, when I got out for kidnapping, I knew that I had to make a living, and I knew that I had to do anything I had to survive. I was trying to put away money. And I tried to play it as cool as I wanted to,

but Sears had no security. And when Sears has no security and 1,000 CDs and unpocketing $10 per CD, do the fucking man. plus those box kits those Bruce Springsteen born the USA I was getting 40

back in the day for those box sets and they had 50 of them just lying there they had the box of Bruce on it with those things right there huh I was going in there every day taking five box sets of Bruce Springsteen just walking out with that shit

when I was out on bail for kidnapped under your shirt or like not even gangsta what's that that Korean guy that jumps up and down ganglang style Gangman style? Gangleng style.

Gang man style. I would walk out of gang man style. Dancing shit. I would buy like a shirt at the sears, a t-shirt, and I would keep the bag, and I would pick up the CDs with that hand. I wouldn't even put in the bag. So if somebody was watching me,

they saw the bag, but they didn't see the CDs on the other side of my hand. Oh shit. Old school, old school, the grip of fucking death. The maluk of maloques. So I did that. I was doing every day. day. Every day when I'm

on bail for kidnapping and second to get burglary. I was just fucking coming up with living money? And I was just coming up with living money. And I was just coming up with living money. I would go in there every day. And one day, two little fucking homo sapiens started.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I need to speak to him. Lost prevention guys? And they're like, and every time they got close to me I threw a fucking shoot. I ripped a fucking DVD out of and there was two of them.

And there was two of them. And one guy went ahead of me like a little golf cart when I fought him for a couple of minutes. I know you did, this isn't true. This is a true story, and they arrested me, but I gave him a fake fucking name. And they let me out under the fake fucking name. This is crazy shit. What name did you get?

What was this? What name did you give? I can't say that. But the kid whose name I gave called me a year later, and he's like, dog, somebody got arrested in Colorado and using my name. I'm fucking howling the back. Who could have done something like that? This is how cool I was.

I went back to court, pled guilty. under his name and that did the community service and paid the fine. Is that one of the criminal record now? Yeah, what are you going to do? Sometimes. You don't want to further smudge his record?

He was pissed. To this day, till this day, he knows it's me, but he won't accuse me. That's how much I love him and he loves me. At least you didn't get a failure to appear. But he'll bring it up.

He'll bring it up every once in law. Somebody fucking stole my identity and used in Colorado. At that time, whatever time I got arrested or pulled over. Whatever name I had in my mind, I'd just give it up. George Washington.

Really? That's your own. George Washington. I'm telling you. George fucking Washington. I used to have a great time with that. So this Mexican dude was very solid. You know, people always badmouthed attorneys.

No, this guy could have robbed me because he had me. Because I could have offered him at that time. 20,000. I would have given him 20,000. I would have came back a month later with another 20. I would have robbed it. or so blow, I would have done whatever to stay out of jail.

Yeah, you had to come up with that. But he told me the truth. He goes, listen, this is what you're going to do. You're going to call one of these three attorneys. You're going to pay them their fee. You're going to give them $5 grand on top of that fee. You're going to tell him go to work.

And these guys are going to go to work for you. And he drew a piece of paper, little things they had it. You had a mention to them because I don't want them to know you came to see me. But I want you to mention these things from me. me and I saw this fucking geeky attorney who wore a bowtie. I went to see all three of them. And they were all white dudes, all very nerdy, all very sports-oriented.

The one I went to see that I really liked was a fucking nerd. The way he answered the phone, the way he spoke. It was very nerdish. And I went to see him and I go, this is my guy. Because he's already different. He already has something different about him. He's noticeable. There was something about him.

He was tall. He was lanky. but he wore a bow tie. Persuasive is a motherfucker. And he took me to lunch. I gave him the money. What he wanted. He wanted 10,

and I gave him 15. And I had five left over. I was going to go to jail with five grand. And I said, well, and we started talking when then he goes, listen, for three grand more, huh? Get the appeal going.

Because we were talking. I go, what are you talking about appeal? He goes, listen. he goes, you're going away. He goes, what I try to do is the reason why you gave me this money is to lower the amount of time that you go away. He goes, before I cast this check, I just want you to know you're going away.

Nothing could save you from going away. He goes, you're going to do six months? He was on, same thing the Mexican dude told him. He goes, you're going to do six months. He goes, I'm going to get you on a reconsideration bond. And I'm going to get you trying to look at it. And then they'll do it. But they don't like weapons in Boulder.

That was the thing that fucked you up? He goes, they just don't like them. You had a fucking machine gun. No two ways of looking at it. Yeah, you're a nice guy. You know, this guy. Pro law enforcement. Yeah.

They don't like that. You had a fucking machine gun. And it was a potential for violence. You know the potential for violence is? A thousand things could have gone. Right now, we're sitting here talking about. What if we have a gun there? And we got into an argument about the Red Sox.

You know, and he says, I got to do what I got to do. There's a potential for violence. When he said those words, I understood what he was saying. Knuckle-headed as I was at the time. I understood what he was saying. He had a plan for me of what things needed to be done for him to present to the judge to show him I was changing.

You know, and I did everything he said to the tea. But guess what I wouldn't say? What, kidnapped to do it. Every meeting he got me with people that mattered, they would say, so how do you feel about that? I go into stupidity mode. Fuck that dude, it was his fault. He was a drug dealer.

Why? I don't know. So this day, I just don't know. And he goes, if you? And then there was one lady who liked me from the jump. She was from New York City from like 91st Streethouse, and we both went to the same grammar school. We both knew the same people.

And we got into it in the office because I kept saying it was his fault. He had drugs. I was just a superhero. trying to take the drugs off the street. And they're like, are you fucking retarded? Why don't you just say that fucking you fucking... You messed up. You messed up and you robbed them.

And I said everything but that. Everything but that, Lee. Well, the weather was sunny out. You know, and it gets fucking... I look back now, and now when people do it to me, like, I just stop. After the first one, I just turn around. Because you're lost.

There's nothing I could do as a friend to help you. because I and how do I know that guy? Because you're looking at them. I'm telling you right now that everybody, it was always something else. It was always Lee's fault or the car, the fucking 405. I had a real problem.

I had a huge problem with that in high school. Yeah. And a Spanish teacher actually came up to me. It was like, talked to me. And when I was making an excuse for something, she's like, listen, you're always making excuses.

It's never your fault. And I don't remember her name, but I'll remember that conversation. And I'm sure, still do it sometimes. It's always easier to blame something else, but I try not to do it too much. The easiest thing is just to say

you did it. And oh my God, I because I get it. For years, I didn't do it. You settled the dust that way. It's done. There's nowhere I could go. Well, Lee, we gotta get it done by midnight. Lee'll do it. Leeds the type of motherfucker. Lee ain't scared of work,

but Lee knows that it's just such a shitty way to live. It's such a... You torture yourself. with that shit. And with stand-up, I see it really bad. I see people stuck in a position and stand-up because they will not take a look and go, hmm, this is what needs to be done.

Oh, I thought Paul Rodriguez is going to take me on the road and make me this talk. Because a lot of people fucking think that. A lot of fucking people think that. You know, listen, I could tell you I didn't, but I'm sure I did. I'm sure that somewhere in my mind, I was hoping that some big star would take me fucking on the road.

I mean, when I met Joe, Joe was no big start. Joe isn't making nothing. He wasn't selling out. He was selling out because he was on a TV show, but everybody was running out of that. Because first I went up, and then he went up, and he was just... Yeah, I remember they had that signposted outside. He's not the Joe Rogan from the TV show, ladies and gentlemen or something.

But you've seen the negative... You're okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've seen the negative of that. I'm sure where, like, some comedians would be like, oh, Joey's not doing great. He just has Joe Rogan help him. It's not even, like if I had the same thing.

Absolutely. Remember when you got Longest Yard and shit, people were all saying, remember you're like fucking selling Coke to fucking Adam Sandler and then. That's how you got the fucking roll. We believe that. That's what they do. People, this full fucking winter got some dude to record him, put a little fucking football suit on and did his own little thing, sent it in, boom.

People believe that or think the fucking shit just happens all. Fuck and somebody snatches you up. Dude, it's fucking years of work. I learned something early on this city that in 98th that, As soon as you mix drugs in Lee, it's over. I heard a really interesting story about Ganderthini one time. God bless his son and I'm not here the bad mouth. I heard Ganylifini was crazy.

You know, everybody knows. It's common fact that Gany did a lot of powder. Once he got the Sopranos, he went fucking deep. He was the king of fucking New York, you know? I mean, and he took the title from something like Jackie Gleason. To take me the king of New York, you know what that means? Lee, that any place used to go into. if they were thinking of closing,

they ain't closing. That's Derek Jeter type of shit. Hell yeah. We were closing. We have Derek Jeter with it. Okay. What is he one? Is he hungry?

The chef was about to leave. Not anymore. Not anymore. You're on overtime. We don't give a fuck. That's New York City. You know, there's no, well, we have a curfew, you know.

Take him in the back. They'll fuck. They get this. This is what they live for. Hell yeah. A celebrity coming into that place. Yeah. So, everybody knows Gandafini.

He was nuts. but they said before all that he was here. And he lived in Sunset and Gardner, where I lived up the corner there. And he used to party with that karate teacher. You know the karate teacher where I used to go? Yeah, yeah. He wasn't a karate teacher back then.

He was like a white belt. That karate teacher got into Tang Sudo because of drugs. His sister made him go to Tang Sudo when he got out of rehab. So he was like a white belt. He told him, he goes, I kept doing coats. I became like a green belt. And then it made sense. You know, I can't get fucking high.

So we used to go to a place with Gandalfini used to get him. So I had heard that story from him. And then there's a guy I met. I can't remember. He was in the movie Splash. And he told me that he used to get Howard Gandafini on the weekends. He goes, oh, my God. When he was doing the submarine movie.

Prince of Todd? Oh, he goes, fuck. On the weekends, he'd get that check and go to Marina Del Rey. And he goes, he'd do the last line. Sunday night at 8 o'clock at night sleep and Monday morning he'd be on that 4 or 5 for the fucking set you know And so he goes to the real thing

Yeah he was the real deal He goes he called him after the first year of the Sopranos He still had his number and he called him and then he goes Hey Jimmy it's you know silent Bob It's a karate teacher right there Over that fucking around with all these people And he goes Los Angeles

Yeah And he goes Imagine shit hell yeah And he goes You know, that's great. You're still around. You're doing great. But that was a long time ago, man, good luck to you.

And your ventures and he just hung up on. And, you know, it's just, I'm not saying nothing bad about Galafini. But when you do drugs at somebody, they lose that respect for you sometimes. And I had it happen to me. I had a guy that was helping me. At one night, he goes, hey, man, I'm going to bind. My brother-in-law needs an eight ball. And I got him an eight-ball.

And after that, he wouldn't return my call. And it was the weirdest thing. And then there was a time that a friend of mine went to a pitch meeting, and he brought me up. He's like, Joey Diaz, Lee, are you okay? He's fucked up. He's fucking fried over there on. Finish his story, though.

What did he bring up at the meeting? He said something about Joey Diaz. And he goes, that Coke Feend? Oh, no. That same kid, I had him at the comedy store one night. And he told me, man, I have a showcase. I'm a little down. I go, you want to do a blast?

I go, you want to do a blast. It doesn't blast. And go, here, take a pass. kids to go. In those days, Chewy used to sell you seven packages for $100. They're $20 each, but if you bought seven of them, you give them to you for $100.

You had two for free. So I say, yeah, take one. I'm not going to do all seven of these fucking things. Hell yeah. Take one, and the kid ratting me out like that. He was doing coke with me. Called me a Coke fiend. Some motherfucker.

So do you understand me when it comes to that shit, I always learned? Yeah. Not to do drugs with those people early on, just because when I, I got the longest yard. It wasn't about drugs at all. After about four or five weeks, people smelled weed, you know.

Nelly got in trouble right away for weed. Oh, really? But I didn't say nothing to him. I may believe like I didn't know. When I heard he got thrown out of the hotel for smoking weed, I may believe like I didn't know. So it wasn't until we got to L.A. Where fucking people let loose and started smoking big weed.

But still, I wasn't a problem. pot dealer, I didn't sell nobody Coke. And out of all those 17 weeks there was one time towards the end in LA where somebody came to me and said, hey man, somebody said that you know the area, they asked you about below. I said, I'll be honest

with you. I don't know nothing about nothing. I'm George Washington. But I go, if you pull up with a limo to the back of Elcompatty, somebody will sell you something. You know what I'm saying? And I guess they went over there and they scored. You know, I go, go to that I'll componder with a limo in the back, not in the front.

If you go on the front, that blows your cover. But if you pull that motherfucker tight back in that little skinny hallway, you give that fucking limo an extra 30, that Arab, you give him an extra 40. That fucking Benzini, he'll get you in there. We do. I remember we used to say, yeah, you go there's score in your little bit all, like, the guitar, the marchie player, you give him a 20, and one comes out of the guitar. I have no idea how many nights I went over there to school.

But what got me towards the end was that these people knew I did movies and shit. And they would look at me like they would feel bad for me, Lee. Why? I don't know, because... They're in Hollywood. Years ago, either than their mind, they thought I had everything. And why is he coming over here for this? Why is he coming over here for this?

You know, like, I should have been really happy. And here I'm going to the same place twice. And probably going to the other guys one time. Each night? Three or four nights a week. I get a spot at the store just to go out of the house. I get a spot at the store just to go out of the house to force me to go to El Campadre.

And I'd pick up a gram there. And let's say I had 60 had stopped by my other guys and pick up a gram there because why go home light-handed? And I go home and start fucking blasting that shit like a soldier and if I ran out by midnight I'd go right back to El Campadre Those are back in the days

I used to say that shit Some guys pull out rabbits out of hats I'd pull out half grams Oh my god I was crazy Crazy crazy Crazy Lee crazy I'm so happy

You're not around for that at all I think you would have got disgusted by now Not disgusted But that would be scary It was scary It was very scary for a while. It was very scary for a while. You're just going to full

full blast on. What's that? Full blast on. Yeah, that was I went full blast from probably 2000. No, I went full blast from 98th. To 2007. Who are you kidding? I think I slowed down when I first got here. I was adjusting.

I was still playing the I was still looking at the terrain and shit. You were always constantly working like auditioning fucking doing a part, doing two spots a night, going back to Hollywood, you know, shooting out to the wild coyote, tortillas, all that shit. But that was my main

thing. Tortillas and all that, that was my cocaine money. That was my $60, $70 that I could spend it. I didn't have to justify it. Where'd you go to me? Why went here? I brought $30 home plus, you know, that's all you made. Yeah, they only paid $30. But the meanwhile,

I had already spent $60 on the Coke and $20 on gas and fucking $10 on a bag of week because in those days it was like 15 for wheat you know we got like a gram of a half of 15 bucks it was terrible me terrible you wouldn't like it

hey that one brother had some bomb ass weed remember he would sell in 20s and you would hook it up for us every now and then we would go to the comedy store yeah he would come around deliver he'd bring it up from up north oh we just have some good little connections I'm shocked Dantee

Don sleazy Don sleazy Sounds easy, easy Look at selling Bob Getting rushed out for his shit She was tight We fucked him up one day In the afternoon

When we ate the first You want a cookie? No We already ate two apiece No you didn't Oh my God No you can't eat another one You're selling Bob

You can't do it up We're going deep tonight This is something Antivores sent me This is chocolate They're vegan Sparkle cookie They're sugar-free

Bliss right guys I gotta be as honest I can't with you I was so fucked up on this for two days I was fucked up on this Sunday night straight to Monday night

popping them well you thought there were 10 milligrams and they turned out to be 30 I didn't feel it until about a half hour ago the lights just weren't that but it felt good oh my god this is something that if you get your hands

on these they're gluten free vegan free they are so Beans. There are no grand of vegans. They are so fucking good. Yeah, they're bummed. But that's back in the day

when I got all fucked up that one day. Because when you used to go kick it right at the Spice Company and then go to Fortune Jim. And that one guy, Big Mike, remember? We'll get Jim there, you know, those fat little legs. Yeah, that shit fucking. One other one way? One thing.

No, no, no. One one. Take one more to go. No, no, no. You only got like 10 milligrams. Oh, I had 100 milligrams. How do you know? Because we had one of those cookies before.

That's a cookie we had when we freaked out driving down to San Diego. That's a freakout moment? We got lost in the woods. Ah, fuck. You're wrong, don't know. I had a freak out moment in San Diego like in 2002, 2001. Fuck. We used to do an acting class and then get high on Tuesdays.

Oh, okay. and then I'll go to acupuncture. So there's one day the deal was if we went to the weed store, the spice company, Tuesday at 11 o'clock and opened, he'd bring edibles for us. And we'd be of his samplers.

This is early. This is way before that she got all popular. Yes, this is when it was still Rice Krispy treats, chocolate bars, what else? It had nugget and fucking peanuts and then cover reds.

with chocolate. Like they were still big. Yeah, hell yeah. Big old fucking... They were still big dessert type things. Some of them were delicious, but some of them were just gross. And if we were there at 11 o'clock,

he would give us a deal on weed, but he'd give us bags of rice, crispy treats. And he didn't know what he was doing. He was his chef. So he kept saying, I think these are strong. I think these are strong. I don't know what I did here.

Other shit with that shit, though, when they mix it, one fucking cookie or one thing make it more fucking mixture than the other one. You might eat that motherfucker that might be fucking fucking shit up bombing Hiroshima. Like it fucking hit my ass. So it hit him.

That's how I feel right now. We either had to carry him for the car. His feet were dragging. I had never had as. All it was, we were just hitting mad bomb hits inside with that fool. Smoke two joints. And then a whole

one of those, just an entire, just a little bar. And then we walked into that fortune gym and shit chilling. And like 15. minutes later, I just started fucking sweating and got on fucking clap. And I was like, dude, I swear to God, dude, the fucking shit was just woo, woo.

And the fucking, it was like, I was going through a fucked up tunnel and I just walked outside because I thought was going to puke. And I grabbed a hold of the fucking railings. And if it wasn't for the fucking railings, I would just eat shit. That's so crazy. That's fucking that's how long we've been doing edibles. I used to get

fucking hammered in the afternoon. You used to. You can't really do that. Ralphie may get tickets for me, him, and somebody else. Maybe Gavin Boyd to go see the Red Sox. Ooh. Was it the Red Sox? No.

Oh, that's too bad. It was the Dodgers against somebody. Oh, against Clements. But he was a rocket. Oh, that sucks. Houston Astro. Yeah. Rocket.

I'll never forget, Ralph, you picking me up. And it was like a garbage bag filled with edibles. But it was a big designer bag. So it was just huge. And these are the days when you went next to Dukes. You know what Dukes is next to the Whiskey of Gogo? Two doors down from there, they had a weed store. That's how I first went into a weed store.

I wouldn't go. Joe Rogan did have the first license for weed here for years. And he would torment me about going to. That's when he used to drive to, crunch show. It was on cruncher on tip only. You went in, you took it, you wanted, and you tipped on the way out.

He would bring home lollipops and floaters, and I would go, this is garbage. But then there was a girl. He used to sell cookies, and you'd get fucked up. Little, little cookies. So I was like, I'm curious, but I didn't want to go get my license.

I just didn't want to put my name in the file. And then when they were eating breakfast at Duce, and some black guy comes, man, I know you from the commons. I always wanted to talk. Because you want to come over and buy some weed? So when I started buying weed, and I saw all the shit they had, and I was sold.

That's it. Once I went in one time and saw 15 different weeds and three sativas and lollipops and candy balls. You start getting what's going on and shit. I was like, done. That's a whole other world. They let me in like 10 times. Then I went and got a license.

And I loved it. I loved the whole experience. That's why I used to go there, the pharmacy. The pharmacy was the place in town. If you went to the pharmacy, you were a bad motherfucker. Every time you went to the pharmacy, it was tons of action. People shooting dice for weed. They had ice cream.

Hey, like all, like if you paid 60 for weed somewhere, you paid 85 there and you wanted to, because that was the place to be seen and shit. I didn't know this. I just went down there because they told me to go down there. And that's when I put $5,000 on one of my, Credit cards on one month. What?

My girlfriend, Terry Clark at the time, was fucking past. He's my wife now. You didn't put $5,000 in one month on weed? $300 a day I was putting on this motherfucker, $2.20. What are you just getting? $180. They had, in those days, they wanted $90 an eighth. How much is now?

$35. Oh, fuck. Hell yeah. $90 an eighth. I would get $2.8. What? Some edibles. Weed was fucking expensive.

Expensive. She was going $70 and $80, and, you know, the shit was getting better, though. And I'm smoking an eighth a day. $3,000 a month? I'm smoking an eighth a day. Oh, Jesus. You always had shit. Always, always.

All types of shit. That's fucked up. And after that, I slowed it down a little bit. Then Cushmart opened. Once Cushmart opened, they lowered the bar. They always loaded to like 15 and then. What, as far as pricing and shit? Yeah, it was like 30 bucks.

reasonable. Yeah. Because more weed opened up and it just got competitive and motherfuckers couldn't slang you like that you know.

Cushmore was giving me for 20 bucks they would give me an edible anagram of the strongest weed a day. The Mats-O-G? Yeah, the Mats-O-G. Oh, that's deaf.

Let me give some shout-outs real quick. Albert DeCillo. What's up, Al? Mozy Vasquez. Hey, Mozy. Rony O'Liver. Oliver.

Grayson Derrittle corn no Lorne Rosenkrie you know I love you

Cog sucker and Richard Bond stay black I left my glasses in the car so I'm a little

fucked up to me Richard I'm happy you came on tonight hell yeah man

for a long time before the longest yard I think I knew before Spider Man

too yeah well fucking with Philippe 2001 that's

who I was with over there at the uh Gilbert's room there's Joe Diaz

fool how you don't A little bum. So this weekend, we're going to a vegan. Yeah, yeah, that feels getting married. I'm very happy for him. I'm really happy, he's happy.

Monday I started that film. You know, I'm like everybody else, man. When I came to this town, I had expectations, but not expectations. I had expectations of maybe doing okay as a stand-up. You know, what was okay as a stand-up? Maybe going on the road, hooking up with a rap band, making money to I-D or whatever the fuck was going to happen to me that was my expectation

my expectation was never to do TV or film I knew nothing about that world was I interested yeah we're all fucking interested you know you're always interested but it was a world that would see him so far away you know lead when he first came when we first started doing the podcast he told me he didn't want to talk on the podcast you know

in his world it seemed very fucking far away. You know, now he talks on the fucking podcast. You know, once you do it, and you see that ain't shit, you know, you're like, ah, this ain't nothing. And I got one of those dog movies again. This is my sixth movie in five years.

And I do it with Dean Kane and, you know. Hell yeah. What's his name? Kevin James' brother. Oh, half-noon? No. That's his character. Oh.

Anyway, they stumped ABC family. After the first two, I got very whatever to them. Like, it was just another day. You know, I would still read the script. I would still make notes. I'd still do my job. But I always felt very like there were just another day for me. It's not a move that's backwards or forwards.

It's just a move I make, once a year or sometimes twice a year. And they're kids' movies. And from time to time, people come up to me and go, Hey man, I saw you on a kid's movie on Twitter. Joey's on ABC Family or whatever. So when they called me for the sixth one, I got to be honest with you. I didn't want to do it.

And why's that? Been there, done that. I'm not a... You know, I don't like milk and stuff. I'm not going to go on stage and go. This guy's been seen of a dog that saved Halloween. You don't want to be part of the franchise anymore? No, it wasn't that.

It just was that I want to move on to something else in the back of my mind. What that is, I don't know. In the back of my mind, but they do them in December. It's not like I miss a bunch of stuff. They accommodate you to the max. They don't pay you the most amount of money. But guys, it's worked.

You know, today I got a little confused, and I was thinking about some of the staff on the crew, that they both basically get 100 a day, and most of them volunteer for credit or learn to do what they're doing. And for a couple minutes, I was like, oh, my God, they fucking go there, and they do this all day for 12 hours for free, that's a rip-off.

And I go, wait a second. We did the same thing for years. I still do it. You still do it. Lee, you've got to do it. You have to give them your time before they give you anything anymore. Hell yeah.

Anything anymore. You go to a job at UPS. You've got to do the application. You got to drive there, walk, park the car, go back there, give your ID, do an eye-fucking thing. Yeah, it's amazing how much you have to give before somebody gives you something.

something back. And a lot of people don't understand that concept. Like when they start a career, whether it's security guard or something that somebody might say, you listen, bro, I'm a bodyguard. You know, you want to fucking learn how to be a bodyguard? Be here tomorrow and I at 6 o'clock. You'll shout on me. How much are you going to pay me? Nothing. You're going to learn. You're going to see how I opened the door for people. Fuck that. I ain't doing nothing for free. Okay, you're going to sit at home. That's what happened. And that's basically the fuck it. So it's just, I got, I got caught up with that. Like, I can't believe

the producers don't pay these kids, they work 12 hours. Fuck. Everybody has to pay their fucking dues. How many fucking comedy shows for years? It cost you, $6 in gas or $3 in gas,

or $8 to get a fucking drink or soda or something. And you go on stage and you're doing, you know, you're doing a loser night. You're doing a loser night. But you still got to do it. Yeah, you minus $10. At the end of the night,

you dropped $10. bucks to go do this fucking gig. But then you go, you know what, but I did the gig. I'm not losing money on these movies. But after three days, I got to tell you something. When I drove the first day, I was like, this is a mistake. When I got to the trailer and I looked at the wardrobe, I said, this is a mistake.

But after I did the two or three scenes, and then Dean Kane came in, and I did some scenes with him, and I did some scenes. And they had to dress up like a woman. Which I really Which I really fucking hate the spies Do you have a picture of it? No

I don't know I don't take pictures You know I don't take pictures What did you wear? I don't know A wig That is something That is something that I've always He'll despise

And when I went to the script I called those guys up And I said listen I know that's part of the script Me dressing up like a woman But I'm no Steve McQueen. I can't tell you to change the script or whatever. All I want is that we shoot it quick.

I don't feel good in a fucking dress. I just never liked that. I don't get the gag. After I walk out, I still got this fucking get-up on. I don't get it. And I got to sit there with makeup and I had to pee today. So I'd walk across the whole wall with a skirt on with a hooded sweatshirt. Some fucking gay gangbanger.

And I had to go out an elevator and see another eight people. I had mascara. I look like Mimi from fucking what's in there? I'm the fucking ugliest woman you've ever seen that fucking night. But I did it and I have to tell you something about it. I'm a drive home. That's what an actor does. Is to go outside his comfort zone.

You know, I don't feel comfortable in a dress. Why, Joey? Because you're anti-no. I'm not anti-nothing. I got dick. I don't want to wear a fucking dress. I got a dick between my legs. Just something about having that.

I don't want to fucking wear a dress. Yeah, fuck that. Oh, Joey, you're saying gay guys wear dresses. What about it? No, I'm not saying nothing. I'm just saying, in my fucking world, I don't want to fucking wear a dress. No, do I want to have mascara on, no makeup? I don't want nobody to get confused.

You know, you know, you know, you're going to go for a white Castleburger right now. Oh, yeah, but they put mascara on you? Like, just one white Castleburger right now with a Diet Pepsi. It was better than you eat. No, they put mascara on in the wig, and he arranged it. That's not the point. The point is, when I got in the fucking car, I was like, wow, I didn't get mad today. I didn't get pissed off.

Nothing. I mean, the day went smooth. I played it funny. I did the best job. Hell yeah. You know, I made some notes, and then when you get to the set, you access the set, and you see what you can play with and what limitations you got. And it's like, you know, for me, I do these stupid fucking ABC films. They're kids involved.

You know, they have okay food. The people are very nice. I've done four movies 60% of the people. They haven't moved on. This is a crew that they do two Disney movies and like four lifetime movies a year. So when they come to do a movie,

if it takes somebody else 30 days, it takes these motherfuckers 16. Damn, half? They'll shoot fucking 10 pages in three hours. We shot that fucking jewelry store scene today. And I know the lyrics. I know my words. 70% of my words going in

once we start rehearsing and blocking and fucking I get that shit down you're done you're done so but I felt good about it just went in there and tore it up when I was driving in there and I felt shitty

and I bet a lot of people who listen to the podcast and go to work every day sometimes they feel shitty about driving the work the loss or something but by the third day even though you didn't get a raise even though you just say it's not that bad

It's not that bad. You made your money, but you learned something, and you help somebody, and you did a good job doing it. And at the end of the week, you forget about those things. Sometimes we've always caught up with money and why we should make more. We forget about doing the job right. When maybe we had the opportunity to do it wrong,

maybe he and Lee's not watching me. I don't like to lick these animals, fuck these bitches. What the fuck? That's a great job. Um, beloved, look at these bids. What the fuck, you know? Cat tongue and shit. Dicks and shit.

Whatever the fuck you like licking, but I'm very fortunate that I... Listen, who's working in December? Who do you know that's on a job for eight days on December? Tomorrow I got a short day. I'm going at 12. I'll probably work until 7.

Friday I probably got a... I have like... I'm the first shot, but then I have nothing to like the eighth shot. So like today I wrote... You know, I wrote two pages of shit. Just a little bit, you know? So I'm never missing a beat.

you know. Is it cool to have a trailer? It always seem like they'd be fun. Listen, the size of this trailer is the size of that couch. Really? Yeah, it's garbage. The bathroom, I'm not going to lie to nobody. I don't even fit.

If I pull the bed down, I don't fit in the bathroom. I've got to pull the bed up, and I wish I was lying to you people at home. I do not fit in the bathroom if the little couch is done. The little couch. I don't know if it's a couch or bed, a ping, pang, poom. I don't know what the fuck it is. But that's, you know, it's not a trailer. I have a plug for my phone.

I have a mirror. I have a thing where I put my knee pads so I can fucking fall on my knees if they throw me down. You know, it's whatever. I don't... And for longish yard, I had a great trailer. I had a DVD player.

I had air conditioning. I had everything in that fucking room. You know? Some movies, you get boxes. Some movies, they smell like pista trailers. you know some movies you can't believe you're in this fucking hole but this is it this is the life you chose so you look at little things like that

every once in a while you snap I almost snapped yesterday because the air conditioner broke in the trailer and it was just my fucking trailer they're like why don't you move your stuff to number five really now so I opened up the back window and I opened up the front door at least I had circulation and once you just lay down and I'm making notes

the airflow's true but leave How lucky am I, whether I have the air or not? I'm working on a movie that's going to get released. Not everybody's going to see it, but it's a movie. I never thought I'd be in a fucking movie. I never thought I'd do anything. Not that I'm better than me, but I just never thought in my mind that stand-up and lead to fucking doing a movie with Superman.

I look at that motherfucker. I'm like, this motherfucker was Superman. I wonder if he's so super, if he knows how many fucking buns of weed I got my pocket with the Thames Ray Vision. Fuck him. He's a nice kid, though. Dean Cain's a really nice kid. And you know something about that motherfucker?

He knows everything. Is it a right fool? On a set. Well, you went to Princeton. All right. Really? One of those. Where do you go?

You're going to sit there and leave me hanging your car? I don't know. I thought you went to Princeton. You don't have any one of these chocolate bombons or what? No. Not even for Uncle Joe. You're on the motivated chocolate bombini. A little chocolate bombini.

I'm being leave fungalomunee. Princeton. Princeton. So, he went to Princeton. That's great. But his father was a director. He directed Young Guns. Oh, shit. So he knew his way around the set. Because he did that. He goes, by the age of 15, I carried

wire, I set this up. Oh, that's cool. Because he worked at every division. So it's really crazy when you work with a guy like that. He knows exactly where it's staying. He doesn't even need to set a marker. Like, you'd just be walking with a little Joey. cut an inch towards my foot

step on my foot like he'll say shit like that he'll go I'll show you in a second after you do it he'll show you why he'll go I want the camera to get your neck and you know he's even looking out

for the actor next to him that's how good he is I've learned you know again I've been a buddy move with him when I got into that buddy move with him it was 2009

I had no idea how to act I didn't know nothing dog so you were just in there just being Joey Diaz and shit Even the flavor. I did the longest shot in 2005,

but it was an ensemble. This is me and somebody else. And you got to give that whole combination flavor. He's not the funny guy. He's the straight guy. So I learned how to do that. I didn't never in my dream that I learned about being having Costello.

You know, I know nothing like that, but unless you get involved. That's all I'm saying. You know, in two years, I hope you do become a fucking attorney. And you can still do your comedy game. You can still do your little fucking comedy game. And you can still pick up 100 here,

here on the fucking... You know who to fucking fuck with on the road and who, you know... Oh, yeah. Give my money up front. I'll do a little contract for you and shit. And you're learning, and they're learning. People say to you,

silent, why are you doing that contract for $250? You get $500. Really? How many did you do last week? Oh, hell. One, I did three at $250, so that means I beat you. I did $3 at $250, which made me $750, and you did $1 at $5.

So who's ahead of the game? And every one of them was done differently, So I learned the experience How do each one differently? Lee, I'm ashamed of You're telling you. Look at you. What is that? How fucked up are you today?

I'm super fucked up like I know it would be. Hello. We got planning this weekend with your mother. Going to dinner with her and talk about it. I'm very proud of you Lee. I don't have a mother. But if I did, I treat mine the way you did, except taking it into jeopardy.

I'd pay the 20. And what about the getting, you should have got the mother-in-laws together, made them go down jeopardy together. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. She's studying, so I can't translate. What about the mother- mother-in-laws. You don't need to translate their mother-in-laws. They hug you.

They talk about how much they let to cook for you. How lucky are you? That your mother came out to see you. You're fuck. What are you taking to tomorrow? Perch. The place with the French fries are you going to like. Oh, you're taking the whole family down on the train? Yeah. And then what are you doing Friday with your mom?

I don't know. We'll figure Friday out. Oh, wait, no. We're having Hanukkah. Friday night. At your house. Yeah. And what's you cooking? Hanukkah. Biscuit. Oh shit.

And then Saturday, what will we be doing? The schedule. We can hang out. Are you taking to Felipe's wedding? No. Let's take her to a Felipe's wedding. My mom can't go to a vegan Mexican wedding. Why not?

I have to like prepare her for my Mexican wedding. Listen, let's slash the vegans. Well, let's just hang out with the Mexicans and throw some heat and speak Spanish. I need to prepare her for my eventual half Mexican wedding. going to do Sunday. Oh, fuck. What's that museum in Clover City? Museum of Tolerance. Yeah.

That she wants to go to suffer? The Wiesenthalter Center? I don't know. Is that what it is? The Museum of Tolerance. Pico, right? Yeah. What is it about? It's a Tolerance Museum. They give you the history of, like, the Holocaust and shit and how it started.

Why do Jews want to go see that? Only Jews want to go see other Jews suffer. Oh, isn't it sad? Yeah, it's sad. It's done. Leave it alone. You don't see me going to Cuban Museum. to look at other Cubans crying and shit. But the thing with that dude... He actually chased, like, you know, those

criminals and Nazi war criminals and brought him into justice and shit. I love it. I love what he did, but we're going to go see the Museum of Tons. What about like fucking Nagasaki? Can't you go see a Japanese museum where to see a bunch of Japanese people getting stepped on by that jail? It's not as exciting.

You're going to see your own people suffer. Only Jews go see. see their own people suffer. What the fuck is wrong with you people? They're together, huh? We like to check it out. Museums anyway. There's no action museum. Nobody's slipping. Why are you even there with your mom?

She wants to go. Who gives her what mom wants to do? You're the Captain Kirk of the Enterprise. Tell her it's closed. What's the fucking San Anita? San Anita open? Oh, she would hate that. Again, who cares? She wins $20. She wouldn't even put it out

20 cents. No, she don't need to. You say, Mom, I'm going to put 20 up for your watches. You're going to win some money. And you hand the $25. Watch the look on my face. I just won $25. Yes, you did, Mom. How did I do that?

You bet a horse. What's the name of the horse? Fancy Green. I like this horse over here. His name is Bahama Mama. Okay, well, back the fucking Bahama Mama. Next thing they'll bet $10 and she wins again. Now you've got her fucking hook.

Then you look her in the face and you'll listen, you're dirty bitch. What would you rather do? Go to the Museum of Town and see a bunch of Jews getting thrown in an oven? Oh, fucking. Win 20? fucking dollars. That's what you want to go see? A bunch of Jews looking up screaming as they're getting tossed into some fucking

oven. I need that shit in my life. Get the fuck out of it. I don't want to go see nobody suffer no more. You know? I don't want to see nobody suffer. Who wants to that? You know, you want to kill a chicken or something? I'm all right with that. You want to step on a fly? Go do it.

I'm going to see pictures of Chinese people getting stabbed. Fucking heads cut off and shit. He needs that shit, man. Thank God no one can cancel us. Well, they're going to cancel what? We're talking the truth.

You're talking about going to juice and oven? That's what didn't Hitler do that? I didn't make that up. This isn't like a picture of them falling into oven? Yes, they do. Somebody had them in one of those dictionaries. I wouldn't look at him. He would put like butter on the sheets and then tip the oven so they slid in.

I know. It's creepy shit. Oh, my mom was going to know. He said that. Who said that? Who? I said my mom is going to know. Jews don't listen to this.

They're at home counting 20. Fucking listen to this garbage. They're at home fucking making it happen. Oh my goodness. Hell yeah. How do we get on poor Jewish people? I have no idea. The Wiesenthal Center.

Oh, yeah. Museum of... I don't fucking step foot. They don't want to see those shit. Those poor people suffer. Museum of tolerance. I heard what they did to those poor Jews. I just hear it.

Like in conversation with their scalps and shit. That's nothing they even talk about for me. me like I don't want to thought I didn't turn that oven joke as a joke that's a truth I don't want to see pictures of them suffering with their mouths open I never saw that movie shimmer's jugglers list no no no no no no no no I don't deal on that shit it's not my bag really yeah I watched 12 hours a slave because I was in a plane whatever fuck what is it 12 years of slave I was a slave 12 hours I was a slave 12 hours It was a brother.

One manor as much. Like one chipped. What the fuck he is? 12 days of days of sleep. And the first 30 minutes, guys, I was so fucking uncomfortable. I hate when they get whipped. And I was on the plane. You can't jump off the window. You can't say turn to saw.

And I worked it out, and I made peace with myself. When I saw Armistad, I felt weird. When I saw Last Temptation of Christ, I feel weird. When I saw Apocalypse, which is a classic film, they fuck those little Mexicans up. Those are new-breed Mexicans. They hang out down by Alvarado. You'll see him on the side street, just running there.

Lee Syatt. You're a bad motherfucker. You're your mom coming out. My main man, Rodrigo. Hell yeah, what's happening? Every potty. This is a time of the year. I hate this time of the fucking.

Like Christmas time? No, no, no. I'm not one of those pussies. I just always think about December 12th. You know, I'm trying to write a book. And I write every day, and I try to write a story. What are you writing it about? Your life?

Different segments and the things I learned, but about three weeks ago, four weeks ago I was in Philadelphia, and Thursdays and a handful of these friends of mine came. That were friends, but not really. Like, we grew up in different paths, but we all bought coaching the same person or something. So we all knew each other.

You want to cook a link? Not even a little bit. You want to smoke a half a number? No. And this guy, Frankie, came out to me. He goes, the last time I saw you, was in a rocket ship. Which a rocket ship was under 88 Street Park.

It was a kids park. Okay. And there was a rocket ship. And I would go there at three in the morning and finish the rest of my Coke. I had a winter jacket that was ripped. And I probably had like an eight ball maybe. And he said I had $15.

I had no money. Why would I be under a rocket ship? I had money. If I had $15 a tip-top hotel. It was like $22 for a room for the night, you know? But I just found solace under this thing. And there was a water fountain. And every morning I woke up to kids yelling.

And I would go over it. And they'd say, Mr. Wake up. you're fucking embarrassing I remember one night of rain I had to go to the second floor in the rocket ship but that didn't fit so I had to like sleep

in a circle and I was skinny then I could fit but just all these memories when he told me this I always thought about the rocket ship but I had never written it down and I never discussed it but December 12th that year

I was living with this friend of mine's family and they found out about the Coke and they asked me if I could leave and I had no money I had a bag of clothes and I would ditch my clothes at my friend's house and at night

instead of going home I would tell my friends would drop me off on the corner and when the car would disappear I'd go under the rocket ship and I'd stand it into the rocket ship and smoke up and cry

and I'd think but those 12 days I was basically those are the lowest days of my life I was right around I was 30% I was 70% homeless

the only thing I had in my side was I had three friends that let me into the house to take showers. And they'd give me clothes that belong to their father. And I'd squeeze a 20 out of one of them or 10 just to go to the bar. You know, just to go to the bar. You know, just to go to the bar from there, I'll take it from there. On the type of dude, give me a 20 just to get to the bar. In an hour, I have $150 an eight ball.

I know who's cut the deal tonight. But I need that first 20 for face. You can't go into a bar and cut a deal if you're on the tab. but if you put a 20 on the bar let's see what this guy's got to say yeah listen what you want to do I got a guy who can be here with a grand ball we're in right now

but we give you 200 now we'll pick it up and all right now you got 200 to play with all day I got 200 to play with they're not going to pick up their eight ball to 8 o'clock at night you can do a thousand things of 200 or not even bring it back

you know I mean that's but those 12 days I was subhuman like I feel more guilty about those 12 days and going to prison they're kidnapping Vela. It's real low and dark? It was just disgusting. I would wake up in a mile. I wouldn't brush my teeth.

I go right to the bar. I go to a friend's, take a shout, maybe use my finger and brush my teeth that way. I go to hashways, eat on the arm, and I go to a bar and start my bullshit story for the day, try to get somebody to buy a gram and another gram, that's two grams of 200.

That means I get an eight ball. I saw another half a gram for 50. I got 50 to put in my pocket, plus a gram a blow for me for later. You follow me? That was my whole racket. But at the end of the night, I went and slept in a fucking rocket ship. I did that till the 30th.

I did that till like the 30th or the 29th. And I got a hotel room and I found another pigeon and I robbed them for 2000. I never went back. You know what I'm saying? But still, it's just, this is like I think about the 12th. It's a 10th, so it's Friday. Friday I'll be thinking. And you say to me like, Joey, why would you think about that?

Because that's what keeps me live play, thinking about those times when I would get up in the morning. That's why when I get up in the morning I do shit, because I'm just getting up in the morning and being under a fucking rocket ship and thinking about how the fuck you got there.

Like how if I get under this table? Like we fucking crazy? It was horrible. That's it. That's what's on my mind. Like a satch. Because you were looking at me on a wheelie.

What's so, dog? How much, buddy? You're going to go home now and see mom? I'm going to hope she's asleep By the time I get home? Early bird. No, she has to be asleep. I'll see you at the wedding on Sunday.

Hell yeah. And yeah, can we plug the podcast? What's up, fool? What's up, Fool? What's up, Full? Podcast on Stitcher, iTunes, and SoundCloud. See, Rodrigo's a level-headed one. Felipe comes in.

He's yelling. You know, it's because I know how you are. You know, like, sometimes we'll laugh too loud. Hey, relax. You're around white people. What the fuck are you doing? Relax. Brown, what the fuck is going on?

You can't be laughing loud. People knocking on the door. So, yeah. The podcast, Felipe Spars is podcast, and it's on iTunes, Stitcher and SoundCloud. And we just had Emilio Rivera from Sounds of Erci. He was on this podcast.

Emilio Rivera. Twice, twice. Yeah, hell yeah, dude. Fucking, right there, right there. He lived by Mando, originally, where I met him up the street where Felipe lived in the little same little neighborhood. It was cool.

So, yeah. Other than that, oh, and I'll be at the Lafactory in Long Beach on December 21st. Everybody, if you want to go out there. What is that? That Latino night. Benny Money. Why, we booked at a month in advance. I'm out of.

With Benny Minas. Excuse me, people. I'm very sorry. There's an allergy in the room. Cat hairs lose this shit. But other than that, yeah, man. Thank you very much for having me, man. Coco, you know.

You keep it real. You're a fucking family. I got Lisa. I don't feel eating edible as you were eating edible in the car you don't give a fun. Hell yeah.

Taring that shit up. Emilio's show ended last night and it was a great show you know people were disappointed with how it ended and whatnot.

You know, how can you end the show like that? I would have liked to see him gone on a blaze of glory and shot it out with people.

And how did it get you did you fuck you up? How about the Sopranos ending? Like to contrast with that shit? Remember one of that shit? Everybody complained about the ending

how it went out like that? Was it that shitty or not like that it was shitty, but it was like that or it was different uncomfortable? Both of those endings were endings with meanings that if you watch the show you got later on. I don't know what the meaning of the Tony Soprano one was, but I know that some people looked at it like, and this one here he ices himself,

and I'm sorry, I'm spoiling it for people. But he pulls in front of a truck, And you figure out it's the same truck that drove Gemma to die. You know, so you have to look at it. Who was this guy in the truck? Was he a sort of God, whatever? Because it was Michael Chickles, who plays a truck drive. And he gives Gemma the ride to Oregon where he comes and kills it.

And on it's his own mother on the show. He shoots her. Which that was a bizarre ending. Yeah, it sounds like it. This dude shoots his own mom? Yeah. He shoots the mother, and it's a great scene. It's a very strong scene.

I mean, they did a great job with the show. It's, you know, I told my wife today it wasn't the best show on TV. People get mad at me. Like, Joey, what the fuck? You know, what do you mean the neighbor's pussy? It's a joke. It's about the neighbor's pussy. I'm not talking about nothing bad.

It's not the best show on television by far. But it's got entertaining aspects of it. It's got a lot of bullshit aspects. If you know anything about bikers, it's very, it's too sanitized, you know? But it's entertaining. Me and my wife like it. And the main reason why I watch it is because Emilio's on it. Hell yeah.

I would see him and he'd ask me if I watched this show and I'd feel embarrassed. So that's the real reason why I started to watch it. I fell in love with him and Jimmy Smith is hard not to fall in love with. And I love Charlie Hoonan. The guy who plays Jack's Teller, I fucking love them. I'm full of badass too. So, you know, that's what happens. TV shows end.

Am I upset about the ending? Who gives a fuck? There was still traffic on the 405. this morning. That's what I'm saying. Last time I checked, bitches. What do you think we say? Yeah, let's end this motherfucker. Let's give a shout out to the best motherfucker sponsors in the world.

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They don't know what they're doing. These people know what they're doing. They just pay a ton of it. money for clinical testing on alpha brain. Yeah. But I'm not just selling the alpha brain. I'm also trying to tell you to get the shroom tech for greater endurance and greater, what's the word we're looking for?

Durability? No, when you fly and you don't want germs. Shroom tech sport. Immune. For your immune system. Let's say you eat somebody's asshole. You don't want to be coughing the next day. You pop pool of those shroom tech amunes.

Keep that out of the music. And you're fucking singing like an opera sing. Sometimes you eat pussy. You get a sore throat the next day. because your throat's not familiar with the pussy germs. So you start talking weird, you end up going to the doctor. He tells you got a sore throat. But meanwhile, you just ate them.

Is it a bad pussy? Not at all. It's just, it's got germs. And there's always a little yeast infection in the Monquois. And you put it in your fucking throat, and that's what happens. Sometimes you... Like 22. If you eat some good pussy from time to time,

you also get those blinkers in your, those blisters in your mouth. These little white blisters. little white coming there. I popped 80 of those. I used to eat these this chick that was on, not DMT, but the other shit. DMT. The special K. What is it?

Special, Molly's G.HB. No, MDM, GHB. And she used to leak this clear thing out of her pussy. I didn't give a fuck. I snort that like a fucking clam. Like a fucking clam. It was the muscles.

Just like that. All right. What are we talking about? On it! That's what I'm saying. I forgot. So if you're bumping to somebody's monkey, eat some honest shroom tech.

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They have a stay-on-it program. They deliver the stuff right to your door on a monthly motherfucking level. Who's better than Onet? Also, a shout-out to my main man, Dave Foley, who was on a very interesting podcast last week. Iron Dragon TV.com.

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The fucking The Assassins. Action movies. If you're into fucking smoking dope, Tai Chi, what is it? I think it was Tai Chi? Come on, Lee. You're slipping here. You're supposed to be on top.

Let's get the notebook out. You're supposed to... get the Chinese menu and shit. You got a bunch of class. No, I went to their web page. It's pretty interesting. That's tight. No, it's very tight.

The Assassin, The Thieves, Jackie Chan, 1911. They got all these tremendous movies for it. Go to Iron Dragon TV right now. I think there's two words. Just go to Iron Dragon TV.com. Save us the aggravation and press them what? Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y and get two free movies to start off.

Just go with that. Also, 2015, when you're sitting there, your TV looks like dick they're going to have the 4K technology, correct? Absolutely. And Lee went down to your office to check it out. It was so cool. I'm not a fucking genius about this,

but I'm telling you, this Foley guy's a sharp guy. I love him, I trust him. He's got some shit coming out that's going to make your fucking headspin. Dude, 4K looks so good. It looks tremendous. Looks fucking tremendous.

And he's going to have the technology like a fucking savage. That's why we do. We do business with people who are on top. We don't want to do business with fucking mooks. Bottom feet are the shit. VHS and shit. Iron Dragon TV right now

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J-O-E-Y. Or go to Joey Deas.com. What, leave what? How long are we? What other podcast is so worried about the way people's balls smell. I want my fucking listeners. I want people who listen to this to leave the house with confidence.

I've been one of those people leave the house four in the morning. You don't know what your ball smell like. Some chick wants to suck your horn. Some chick wants to suck your horn. And you've got no water around. You've got to sit there and play guessing game. So when nobody's looking, you've got to slip your hand down your pants and scrub the top of your helmet.

You've ever done that? And a sniff of your helmet's got that dry piss smell to it. And that's when two people come along. Either me wipes, hand-me wipes, from Dr. Whatever's name is, or meandies, because the meandies materials pulls the fucking, the moisture from your nut sack and your dick sack. Go to meandies.com. Why are we talking about this? I'm just trying to help you out.

I don't want you to go to a New Year's party, bump into a freak that wants to suck your horn, and your dick smells like malaria. And then you're like, Joey, my dick smelt. Why? Because you don't have meandies on. That's what I'm trying to say to you. And also, you want to start the year. off right in a nutritious fucking state of mind.

There's no snacks out there for you at the time. What, those things in the vending machine? With the shitty fucking potato chips and barbecue flavor, that shit will fucking kill you. You understand me? I may be a fat fuck, but I don't eat nothing from a vending machine. You know what? Because I got fucking

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Free. Free, free, free. That's how much they believe in their fucking product. We're not asking you for a dick up front. All we're asking is to go to the box and press in. Joey. Joey, D. You're going to get four little bags.

No, no, no, just Joey. You're going to get four little bags and one big bag of nutritious, healthy snacks like chalk and bonbons, cocoa almonds, the black and the pepper and salt, lentil beans. You're going to get some shit that's going to blow you. your fucking mind. Their menu grows on a motherfucking daily. Tell them, don't just sit there like a fucking zombie like they threw you off of a

set of breaking bad. I'm talking to you from the heart here. Go to naturesbox.com. It's going to blow your mind. And you know what? I'm not looking for dick. I'm looking to tell you it's free. Right now, to the 31st of the month, free. Absolutely free. What are you press in the box? No credit card

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But you won't need to reseal them? No, once I open them, they go down. They're gone. They're like opening up a gram of blow. You know what I'm saying? It's like getting your dick suck. You don't get the half a blow job. Is that bomb?

You shoot that load in their helmet until the wig twist. Same thing. That's a nature box office for you. I love you guys. Thank you very much. Don't forget next Wednesday. I'm at the Long Beach Improb with Dean Delway

doing a rock and roll live fucking podcast and then myself and Lee will be at the ice house Pasadena New Year's Eve January 31st the 8 o'clock show which means

you'll be out of there by 1015 doing whatever the fuck you want to do you're not stuck at some show let's count backwards why you've heard it a thousand times you walk Sesame Street go home fuck her in the ass get some champagne

pour some champagne on a pussy and suck it like a savage that's what real gangsters do on New Year's Eve. They're not jumping up and down. Look at me. Get the fuck out of you. Go home, you fuck.

Two things. What? It's the Long Beach Laugh Factory. The improv. Long Beach Laugh Factory. Next Wednesday, December 17th, 8 o'clock, we'll be over there rocking house. What else, Lee?

December 31st is New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve at Pasadena, the church making it big. Saturday, we got Felipe's wedding and we're pouring on the vegan dishes. We'll report on the menus to your motherfuckers Even when he gets thrown off the balcony And besides that, I love you guys

Thank you very much for listening to be a part of the church tonight Stay black and stay healthy Hell yeah, hit me up on Twitter and Instagram Rodrigo Torres Jr., Jr. JR. And also, that's it, man. Thank you very much. You guys have a good time, man. Fucking, peace out. I have a new hummus t-shirt at Lisa.com

if you want to check it out. Now that the show is over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free That shit got you? I don't know He's straight as a judge Oh, I'm not He's not high at all

He ain't heavy He's my brother Who wants another cookie No, I don't know I'll go play this one No no no Oh you'll be fucked up On the way home

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