The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #239 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 16, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  No More Tears -Ozzy Osbourne I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Hell Is For Children - Pat Benatar Recorded on 12/15/2014

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Monday, December 15th. Ten more days to fucking Christmas. Get your shit together. The church of what's happening now with the King of the Jews, Lysayat. What? Bown. Bann.

Bown. This is a great idea tonight from one of the fucking guys on Twitter. I forgot all about this little jam jizzy. But it's a little jam jizzing. the church, that's what we're bringing it to you, motherfuckers. High and full effect. December, fuck Santa Claus. It's the beginning of Hanukkah, motherfuckers.

King of Lee. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Break out the fucking heroin. It's over. Do you plan what drugs to do for a certain type of song? Do you do acid in someone? There's one drug you can do to this song. That's a stick of fucking dynamite or something.

Or like gunpowder, mix it with coke like they did in that movie. What's up? One day, beautiful day to be alive. We're here. Lee Syatt, Uncle Joey, old school in it tonight. Fuck the guests. Two of you, cock sucker. We're going straight up tonight, old school.

Check in with you guys. It's been a while. We've had a lot of great guests from Saratiana to Rich Franklin to Joe Rogan to Gabriel to Ralphie. You're by the bad motherfucker. Do you see what Gabriel is doing? Like a week in one theater in Chicago did like 20,000 seats this week. Oh, please. He fucking kills America.

Then he comes here. He does three. Three nights somewhere in Anaheim, and then two nights, then he's off for fucking New Year's and it's over. If I got out of work early tomorrow, we'll go to his Christmas party. If I got out of work early, I don't know what time again. It's supposed to rain here in LA. If you guys don't know when it rains in LA, everything goes fucking caban. So if you got to leave for work and be there at eight, you leave at seven, you got to leave at like 545 tomorrow.

I wish I was lying to you fucking guys. It's a sad truth. They fall the fuck apart. When you live in Colorado and it snows, it's amazing how it didn't affect them at all. Like snow was just another day for those people. Like it snowed afoot, people still on time at work. You know, when you live in New York, when I lived in New York back in the 80s and it would snow, the city would shut down.

This is a huge metropolitan city with so many things available to it. Excuse me, and the city would shut down. Then a small town like Aspen, Colorado, it snows the foot, and it's gone. Two fucking hours. My mom calls me a wimp now. She called me wimp the whole week because I said it was cold. I was chilly. It was like 55 degrees.

And she's coming from Boston. She's like, you're such a wimp now. Oh, no. It was cold in the fucking mornings. Listen, you're talking to a guy that used to fucking bathe in this 40 degrees. Now I get out of the shower and I yell at my wife when I'm putting the heat on. Like, take the fuck. She puts it on for a little while and she turns it off.

She goes, it gets too hot in here too quick. But if you turn it off, when I come out of the shower, it's freezing. I like opening the door on that bust her. hit you and it dries you off the last couple spots you haven't you know fucking dried off but it gets uh you're not used to the weather you're not used to the cold weather no more but last week we had rain Friday we were we ran a few days last week week the big storm was Friday and that was the day for some reason I didn't have to be at work till 7 but I got up like at 4.30 because in my sleep I was worried about the rain

yeah they said they're going to call work for the movie the next day and they pushed it back but we still worked and they cleared up but they were scaring fucking white people scaring them don't go to work the 91 is backed up you know how long it took me to get to

see me valley 20 fucking minutes with the rain I got the Subaru I kick that motherfucker well it's always four-wheel drive and if it hits a puddle the other tire picks it up that's how the Subaru engineering works it just picks it up where a tie if it's hydroplanes or something I got to

I got to the fucking set in 20 minutes. I couldn't believe it. They were scaring fucking Gentiles to death on TV. We don't think we talked about it. Why did they decide not to get like a Cadillac? I've never been big. I don't like how in L.A., everybody judges you by your car. Yeah.

It really bothers the fuck out of me. I was telling my mom a lot of people here have, like, Porsches and studio apartments. Everybody has a series three BMW here. Yeah. You know, if you see anybody in the industry, a junior agent, and then as they get there for a while, they get a five series. Listen, I'm not here to impress anybody.

I'm here to impress myself, you know. I like the Subaru. I like feeling safe. I like knowing that if it rains, I could think that a Cadillacs a great car and whatever, but I can't pay three to 400 a month and not sleep at night if something does break down.

I've always had great success with Subaru's and Toyotas. Why would I want to change it now at this point? Yeah. If I start making an abundance, a fucking money. Yeah, my second car would be a Cadillac or something. But then I'm going to have a family, so I can't be selfish. It'd have to be like, you know,

you know what I'm saying? Plus, with your daughter, you don't want to have, like, messes in the back of a Cadillac, I guess. Listen, she could do what the fuck she wants. As long as I pay for the car, it's my fucking car, you know, and they're going to throw apples on. Kids are going to be kids. Yeah. I went to the park with a

Saturday, and there was a socket thing going on the soccer camp, but it was kids, hooray, a little older. Some kids knew what the fuck was going on. The other kids were just two bots. They were just there out in the sun walking around, half fucked up. There was a camp for like two-year-olds

and one for like four-year-olds. And I'm walking around. I'm watching those two-year-olds because I could see if I could put her in here and my wife and her a battle it. I'm like, what's going on? She goes, she wants to go down there. I go, I don't let her fucking go down there.

I go, you're going to sit there and battle with her. You've got to pick your battles with these kids. She's going to run down there anyway. She's going to walk around, touch the net, touch the ball, and then she's going to walk away from those kids. No, she's not. I picked her up, walked her down,

that's exactly what she did. She kicked the ball. She saw 20 kids. She looked around. She goes, I don't need this. She didn't have to be on myself. She walked away. But we signed her up.

Oh, that's cool. She's going next Saturday at 11 o'clock. Yeah. Even though she might not like it. She'll like it. It's kicking a ball. It's running around falling in leaves. They've got two coaches there.

They coach you. They tell you what to do. You know, she's mingling. This is what they're supposed to do so they grow up with fucking social skills. You know, you got to wonder, All this shit, they talk about cops and all this. You know, when I was growing up, cops were more involved with you.

And then that's the neighborhood. There was the same cop patrol in the same neighborhood. He got to know you. If something went on, he came and saw you, you talked to him, he asked you questions. And now you have all these complaints of cops, an aggressive behavior, you know, towards. Excessive force, yeah. Excessive force. What the fuck they want to call it?

And it's because maybe they don't have the right social skills. We do live in a computer generation. Yeah. We're very computer generation. When I used to dealing with people, we leave the house scared if you watch the news. Everybody is fucking fearful. You know, one good thing about the church, I was thinking about this. When I first got into the church, when I got into Beauty and the Beast or the church,

it wasn't to expose Bigfoot. It wasn't to expose steroids. It wasn't to expose Hollywood people that are gay. It wasn't to expose anything. It was to expose life's bullshit that we get fed. And either you believe it. or you fucking don't and move on, you know? Do you get nervous, blow?

Because I went to the movies with my mom today. And for a second, when they were doing that thing, like if you see any suspicious people, tell somebody, for a second, I was like, what would I do? A gunman came in here. I'm here with my mom. When I'm by myself, I don't really worry about it. But like, do you worry about it now when you're going out with mercy?

I worry about everything and everything. And you'd be an asshole if you wouldn't. You'd be an asshole if you wouldn't. Every day you go on Twitter, and there's an explosion somewhere, 14 people got killed. That guy in Australia. The guy in Australia. Every fucking day, people.

You get up every morning, and if you have a half a heartbeat, and you weren't an asshole like I am, that we actually look at that shit to start your morning. We actually look at that shit to start your morning. Because I do. I'm guilty of it. All right, I won't put the fucking news on, and I won't hear it visually.

But while I'm streaming on Google or whatever the fuck, my first page is Yahoo, you see what happens. You know, 14 children get killed in Africa, whatever the fuck, you know. And it stays with your guitar today. Listen, I'm not the type of guy that would blame police officers for anything. I know what life is on both sides of the shield. I've seen cops that are stressed out, and I've seen people that are stressed out. They just have a bad day.

I know one thing about life leave. People have bad days. You know, there's a guy that. Did you see that he killed his wife, put him in a chunk of the car, and then took the three kids? Jesus, no. And they showed his picture. He's all cracked up and shit. I mean, I don't know a bad day for that.

I know that there's bad days that people just leave the house and they have a weapon, and they get out of a car and a cop. You know, there's bad days. Did you ever fight with the cops? I know you dealt with them a few times, but no. I couldn't file a complaint against a police officer because every time I've had contact with a police officer, I've always pretty much been a gentleman.

When I was a kid, I got hit one time by a cop with a stick in a big melee. I was a young kid, like maybe in the seventh grade. Really? I never heard of this. It was the night that we felt up their chick's titties and shit after that basketball game. There was a fight first on the thing. And a cop hit me, and I didn't know who it was. I wasn't mad at him. I could have been an asshole and made a big drama because I always thought from his side of the fucking thing.

This is a guy that's just telling us to go and you get hit with a stick. But I've never been ever assaulted before. I've always had good relationships with cops. Like when they've arrested me, I've been cool because they're just doing your job. All your job is to shut your fucking mouth. And don't argue with them and don't tell them that this is what really happened. Don't say a fucking word. That's the best thing you can do it.

Yes, no, thank you. The handcuffs hurt. They don't fucking hurt. but for me to sit here and say pigs suck and all that I can be that type of guy I never have been they did a job when they arrested me and they did the best job they could

I can't lie to you I've never really had yeah because I go back and forth sometimes like should I be protesting like I don't know like is this like an important thing to be doing but I have you were a protester before

no I just what are you gonna do you gonna get a stick with a fucking sign and walk down there you would kill me right if you saw me if you saw me with a stick I lived in Boulder And I saw protesters And the CIA would come to town

And they come to recruit on campus I don't know if they recruited They took applications Or they spoke to applicants or whatever the fuck And there was always little wars On there And these kids would go down there And then I figured out who these kids were

That You know, they would trust fund kids That just wanted to get some form of attention And I got it You know And unless you really believe It looked like I I just, it's not that I don't like protesters

and what they stand for is I think that sometimes people are down there protesting and they don't even know what they're protesting for. Right. They're just protesting to make friends. It was like that thing I always made fun of, that thing that happened downtown years ago. Some of the Wall Street's on it, yeah.

Yeah, the people who were going to shut down the corporations, but meanwhile, they're calling their mommies on the iPhone. You know, making videos and sending tweets out. You're not shutting nobody down. This is what a computer, shut down, it's throwing all that shit away. You can't stand online

on Apple for your fucking phone and all that. Yeah. But you were on to something very interesting, and that was the cop thing. No, Lee. I never, I always knew they had a job. When I was a kid,

I was exposed to cops that came and once a week got an envelope and that was whether it was the bookie place in the Bronx. For a long time, when I went to Catholic school on Saturdays, I helped out this other bookie chale. And they always had relationship with cops and it was a known

thing and listen, I'm going to do this for business. Nobody's getting hurt. Nobody's getting bit slapped without selling drugs here. Here's an envelope just to make sure everybody knows we're on the legit side. Some people would judge me and say that's the wrong you could never pay a time. That's not from the movies. Like they would actually do that. They'd have cops. Do you consider them dirty cops?

Well, there's fucking jerk off and there's gentlemen. And that's in every fucking business. Yeah. There's jerk-offs and there's gentlemen. There's guys that come in and go, Lee, how you doing? My name is Detective, whatever. This is great that you have a new bar here and everything's fine here,

but from 12 to 5, the kid works here, Joey Diaz. He's a known felon. I know he takes book here. And I know that if somebody wants to get a gun or maybe a kilo or Coke, he could arrange a front. We could shut you down. Right now. I could call the ABC.

and shut you down for employing this guy. But I'm not going to do that. What I'm going to do is I'm going to send somebody in here once a week. You're going to give him an envelope. Let's say, what do you pull out of here a week? Let's say in real life, Lee, you pull out 13,000. They're going to say 10,000. And you're going to go, okay, he got me.

Every week we want 400 a week. All right, that's one cop who comes in, shakes you down. This is the old days. I don't know what happens today. This is when my mother had the bar. You're never going to see that guy. again. Every week a patrol guy is going to come in.

So let's say that guy came in. Now, then there's going to be, that's a sheriff. Then a city cop's going to come in. Oh, no. And he's only one of 200. And you're going to agree to that. Because if your alarm goes off, they're going to be there. If you shoot somebody

in the bar, they're going to be there and clean it up first. What happened here? This guy pulled the gun. Lee, you're sure you put a fake gun in his hand. Boom, call the cops. You paid. Now what's going to happen is, but every once in one of those guys go, they retire, and you get a young guy who thinks he's slick, and he'll come in one night and throw a beat lonely, and then say how he wants this much money, and then come in there once a month,

get a couple drinks on the house, embarrass my mom, and embarrass the customers. What the fuck do you do? You go to the other guys and you talk to him, and you move him, got cops like that. In the 60s and 70s, something would always happen with those fucking cops. Really? Yeah, when I was a kid, something would always happen with those cops. Because you had

people that just wanted to do business. And they wanted to keep it low-key. They just wanted to put their kids through college. And they'd help you off. They really did help you out. Like I said, if somebody broke your glass, they were there first. You'd have

somebody that had bought up your glass. If your alarm went off and someone hump down the corner's alarm went off, they came to your alarm. Some people at home disagreeing with me now. But I'm telling you what I saw as a young man, where the etiquette was in the 60s and the 70s. Do you ever see like a business say no? Or did your mom ever say no? I know that there were some businesses that probably said, no, I don't know what happened to them. I know that. Also, if the ABC was out, checking IDs or whatever, these city cops came in and told you their schedule. Also, if the DEA was in town, shaking down Spanish,

bars. These city cops told you your schedule. When the DEA comes to town, they have to stay at a hotel. They don't stay at a fancy hotel and they put it under the DEA credit card. People at the hotel that work at the hotel get the word out. The DEA is in town. That's it. Everybody knows to close up shop, to slow down a little bit. These cops would help you out. So if somebody was watching your bar, they'd tell you. Somebody's watching your bar. This is a full-time coverage. I don't know how it is Now there's drugs involved, there's crack involved, there's weapons involved. I don't know. I really don't know.

I'm away from that. I don't know how to think because in movies, those cops are always like the bad cops. They're always crooked. But the way you describe it, cops don't make that much money. And it's not like winning the business. Everybody in life gets jaded at their job. Yeah. Some people are listening to this right now going, Joey, we don't want you to hear the other

side of this. No matter what type of job you do, you're a working fucking stiff till the end. I'm a working stiff. Lee would have been a working stiff as an editor. You know, you would have got promoted finally as an editor. And you're still 28. And when do you retire? 65.

So unless you open up your own business, you're a fucking working stiff. For 40 years, yeah. So for 40 years, you're a working stiff, okay? Now, I don't know if this becomes the same for cops. I'm going to break it down for you guys and break, you know, everybody here at some point at 38 goes, what the fuck am I doing? I just saw a bill by mistake. They pay me $15 an hour.

They charge $55 for me. And I'm only getting $15. And yeah, $15 goes to insurance and state taxes, but they're still getting $25 for me for labor-wise. I'm making $15 an hour, and this is what I'll do till I'm fucking $65. You know, whatever. Everybody gets jaded at their work.

Somebody gets a promotion. You find out some idiot makes more than you. You know, my wife, is a fucking hard worker. My wife doesn't believe in theft. When she was a waitress, and, you know, she didn't want to work at the store no more. Then she went to fucking Starbucks.

I would talk to my wife. My wife is such a Gentile. She doesn't believe in theft. Everything is by the fucking penny. You know, the other day, she found that the chiropractic has clipped us for 65 bucks. She goes, I read somewhere that all medical bills are off. They're all wrong.

You should go through them. I was off from my insurance. through all my bills found out that I was over, called my insurance, got my insurance bump to level one. My wife is a fucking hawk when I come to this. She works, she worked, she worked, boom, she got pregnant one day, 10 years on the job. They paid for a pregnancy. She wasn't doing none. She fucking was a slim Jim Magoo. That bitch cried for a week, but she went to work after eight weeks. She went to work and she drove home with her tits leaking, you know, from the milk and she'd feed mercy and, you know.

I would see the anguish in her face, and I pleaded with her to quit, and she told me she couldn't quit. And about three weeks later, she came home one day, and she said that they gave her a raise. They gave her like a 1.3% raise. And she was never so embarrassed in her life, that she's outworked three of the fucking people, and then they took the girl, that's the baby's godmother,

and she had been there for 10, 12 years, 15 years. And instead of hiring her, they got somebody from the outside. And she started thinking, about how, you know, these people really don't give a fuck. That's why I got into comedy and blah, blah, blah. And I was very smart, and that was part of it. I was jaded. I didn't want to work for people no more.

I was sick and tired. I didn't want to be there nine to fucking five, you know? And I saw my wife get jaded, and she goes, I'm quitting. And she didn't do it for like two months, and then she started going back part-time. After three days, she came home, and she goes, I can't do it no more. I hate those fucking people. same thing happens when you're a cop.

Same thing happens when you truly believe in your heart that you're helping people. You really believe in your heart that you're helping people. And all of a sudden, you help somebody, you call an ambulance and they get up and try to shoot you. You go to these houses, these people don't give a fuck about you because you're a cop. You're always the enemy, no matter what they tell you.

I grew up believing in police officers. I really did. I grew up believing, and I still do. Even as a criminal, you... Even as a criminal? I still believe in police officers. I still believe that they do good. But then again, you're going to get guys that are jaded.

And then since they work long hours, they get jaded in their personal lives. Their wives leave them. You know, most of these cops have a few marriages. They get drunk. They don't tell. I can't come home and tell you. I come home at night. What did you do today?

I shot a movie with Dean Kane. What did you guys do? Well, today's, we got chased by a dog. We ran up the stairs and chased the dog. And then we ran down and they chased us. then there's another scene where he puts a string out and we both jump over and we both fall. I can't tell my wife that I saved the kid in the dumpster today

and the kid was half burnt and this is an awesome I tend to do drugs also when I arrest somebody one day and they have three baggies of meth but I only turn in two of them and I do a little bit of it you know God knows when the officer's mind is thinking I'm not sticking up for the guy who shot the 12-year-olds in Cleveland

I'm not sticking up for hands up I'm not sticking up for Ferguson I'm just telling you that before we accuse we have to think of both sides about it and I hate to get into these conversations because there'll always be critics of this but it's true yeah fucking true I was on both sides and I was very lucky

I never drew on a cop you never take a gun out I was never that fucking crazy right I didn't have that much of a death wish. For years, I thought I did, but I really didn't. And a lot of fucked-up shit could happen. I drive home under 10.

I drive home under 101 Lee. So do you. How many times you go to fucking Compton? You're a white kid in Compton. Right? For a year, you drove to a fucking bad neighbor. You're coming home one night. They say, pull this guy over.

He's here for drug activity. Yeah? They pull you out of a fucking car. Where's the drugs? I'm not here for drugs, they smack you. When you go home, how are you going to feel about the cops? Yeah, you're going to hate them. You're going to steal, feel, believe.

Not hate them, but you're going to believe in them anymore. Are you ever going to doubt? You know, it's just we get jaded in so many different fucking levels, please. Yeah. So I just had a cousin who had to quit being a social worker because he'd done it for like two years, and he was just like, I can't do it anymore. Every week there's a new kid who gets beat up,

or it just, it was terrible. I mean, all you could do is, live your life the right way and pray to God you never get accused of something wrongly and pray to God you're not at the wrong place at the wrong fucking time. Right, you know. So how's the movie going by the way? The movie is

first off I didn't want to do this fucking movie. I had the worst attitude about it because what they do is they do sag low-budget movies. They give you a little taste to the back end and you get limited visibility. You go on ABC family or ion or something like that.

The first one, I gave my blood on this. I fell down. That was the beginnings of my pains when I started hurting my knee and shit. First one, if you watch it, I'm 400 pounds. Oh, no. Easy, and I'm falling on the floor, I'm running upstairs, and then like the second and third one.

You know, we were talking about something that I don't like doing a lot of shit. Once I do it a few times, I move on, you know, and I always thought I wanted to on from this. When they called this time I had a date in Chicago but I had another movie that had called and then they ended up pushing that back to March or something so I got stuck with this you know I didn't want to do it and they were fucked they've been great the whole time one day that the air conditioning

broke on the trailer the second day but besides that this is what I do be and I enjoy breaking my year up I enjoy I'm very fortunate that I don't have to go on the every week and I carry my fucking luggage and be in Philly right now, you know, or be in some place that's going to get snow and get caught there on Sunday. I've worked for that, you know, and I like that. I get lucky from time to time and somebody calls me, and for a week, I just avoid doing stand-up. I don't even think about it. You don't miss it?

No, I went on stage Saturday night. Oh, okay. But I didn't have to, sure, I miss it. But it's great to know I don't have to do it. That for a week I could just go home and go to sleep and just do this movie. Do you think maybe your stand-up would get better from taking a little bit of time off? Everything needs a week off.

Everything always could use a week off from time to time. I'm not saying all the fucking time, but everything, you know, and it was, I got on stage Friday night in Vegas, Saturday I went to the fights, I started the movie Monday, so I didn't get on stage all week until Saturday. And my set was a disaster, Saturday night.

What happened? At the Long Beach. It just wasn't, you know, I just wasn't, I caught on a little bit, And I threw some heat at them, but I had lost them. And that was it. But I enjoyed doing it. This week, I'm at the store tomorrow night, probably.

Okay. I'm at the store Thursday night. Wednesday, we're at the left factory. Saturday I'm at the store. So, no, I, you know, I like doing everything. I like that. We were talking about doing the podcast five days a week. Yeah.

It's the law diminishing returns for me. I don't think it would be good. Because I think after six weeks, I would start to diminish. First of all, by Thursday, the podcast would go off a little bit. Friday we'd just be fucking calling through the shots and I think that after six weeks of doing it five days a week I think even Mondays would start being pitiful That's why I have never attempted and I wouldn't want it

If somebody came on us and threw a bunch of money and said do it five days a week I'd have to get some other help or another writer I know that I could only fulfill two days of that I don't want to talk any more than that I really don't want to go two and a half hours three fucking hours than that So it's the law diminishing returns and everything especially for me. I know that. We could do two regular ones and a sport one and call it something else.

I'd rather just do it the way we're doing it. I have a good time. I end up missing it, like Saturday? Sure, sure. That's why I called you for yesterday. I was a little high last night. You were very high last night. Oh, my God.

And I couldn't even tell you hit it well. It was just one of the, all right, so Saturday, I worked Saturday. I was supposed to go to Felipe's wedding for you people asking. I never made the fucking. I heard the wedding was spectacular. You had a call him. You had a little over vegan food? No, no, no, no, no, no.

You know, we got that rain Friday, so it pushed us back. So we only got to shoot two scenes, but we needed this scene because we had this one mall only till Saturday morning. So we had to shoot that. I didn't get out of work until maybe 7.40 on Saturday night.

I didn't get home until 8.15. By that time, the baby was in the bathtub. My wife already had her pajamas on. I felt my wife. I felt bad for my wife. I felt bad for two people and this. I felt really bad for my wife because she really wanted to go as a couple and I felt bad for

Felipe. I'm kind of embarrassed. I called Felipe Friday and I told him that we got to work. I got him his French press coffee machine that he wanted but I felt really bad but I wish him the best, him and Lisa the best, you know, their fucking family. Felipe's done a lot for me in the last 15 years. So what happened

with Andy Dolores? All right. So I did that, right? Now, we got the anti-delores package about a week ago, and everything has been yummy for your tummy. Everything. Those fucking cocoa chips were some of the strongest shit I eat. Well, the 30...

I was high from Sunday night to Wednesday morning last week. I wish I was lying to you. You didn't have it just once. You had it if you had a few times. No, I just kept eating them. There were little circles of debt. They were hard cocoa vans.

vegan, gluten-free, just fucked you up. They were 30 milligrams, but they just fucked you up, people. Lee ate three of them the first night. Yeah. And he left here. His eyeballs were spinning in his fucking head. They were tremendous. I ate them Sunday, and I must have ate Sunday night.

I can't lie to you, people. I must have ate 10 of those fucking things. In what time period? Three hours, four hours. I just was popping them. I thought there were 10 milligrams a piece, Lee. I thought there were 10 milligrams

a fucking piece. And next thing you know, I look at the bag the next morning. You did see a picture of it. And I felt bad. I got, Lee ate fucking three of these. Ooh, he must have been on fucking fire. Yes, I was.

So, all right, so I ate him until Wednesday. And Wednesday, so let me give him a breather. I think Tuesday I popped a Cheapichu and, like, four of those fucking things. I was blasted on that film site. Blast of giggling to myself. talking to the dog on the scent. I'll tell you what, I didn't fuck up the crap service, though.

No? Every day, when we tell you, my only cheaters, one piece of twizzlers of licorice. That's it? That's not even that bad. No ice cream, no pudding, no nothing. I eat the chicken. Okay.

Today I had the pasta with no meat and the salad. That's nice. You got to try. If not, you're a fucking animal. It's not the best crap service anyway. Right. I've seen some crab services. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Oh, yeah? He had lobster and Spider-Man 2. Spider-Man 2. If it was between Spider-Man 2 and the longest yard, it'd be close. Yeah. Spider-Man 2 had three conference tables of snacks. Do you understand me?

Like, three conference tables. Like one table is just co-cuts, you know, every type of bread, peanut butter and jelly, mayonnaise, mustard. And there was a chick just stocking co-cuts, roast beef, Swiss cheese, ham, salami, all different types of salami. there was one table with smoothies and there was one table with chips chocolate, you know, you name it.

Yeah. This shit was crazy. They had a bucket with gallons of juice and I would steal the pomegranate juice and put it in my bag and go to my trailer and come back and drink all the pomegranate juice in the table and mingle. Hi, how are you? Because 15 years ago, you know, 10 years ago,

pomegranate juice was before coconut water. Fuck you, pomegranate juice is huge. It's huge. and I used to fucking drink it, but I was paying like three bucks for a container for like 10 ounces. Also, I get the Spider-Man 2, and they got the gallon out. They got the half-gallon.

I don't think I even seen the gallon of... I was... Half-gallon. I was clipping those things. I could see the lady was like sweating. Who the fuck is taking my pomegranate juice? That's hysterical. I found out something new you don't like.

Why don't you like lamb? Lamb is delicious. Oh, Jesus Christ. My mom made... lamb and he was like oh you can have a lamb cocks over there's still lamb goat all that shit there's only one thing I've ever eaten that I

enjoyed but I felt so guilty I never ate it again veal salapini I love veal too my main man the devil Mike Kesslin bolder that motherfucker used to whip up some veal jalapini paper dead what's scalapini I have no fucking idea I don't even ask it's veal I never want to eat

it again somebody asked me why I ate I didn't know what it was I won't eat it again I'm sorry people I like lamb, too. Lamb is always game. There's only one nationality that throws down the lamb. The Greeks. Okay.

You see like gyros? No. Well, gyros too. When I was on the run. What? When I was on the run in 82, when I did that jewelry store. Oh, you went to Florida? And I went to Florida.

The family was Greek. The mother was really fucking Greek. And she'd take lamb and cut it into little cubes. Okay. And she'd put in her tongue. and marinate it for three fucking days. Then she'd take that lamb and put on a barbecue grill and burn them on a kebab, burn them.

At least I had, your little asshole would puck her up and make noises. It already is. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I would make noises, and she'd make this satsiki sauce or something. Yeah, yeah. And you'd let the dip the lamb in there. It tasted like pot roast.

It was just delicious, juicy. The reason why it was in game is because she marinated it for three days. Oh, okay. Do you follow me? The marination. process was so delicious and so you know, young, but it's three days to take that gaming this away.

Once I taste the game, it lights out for me. I can't do it. I get sick just fucking thinking about it. So you're not like a buffalo. No, you'll never see me in ostrich, deer, venison, nothing. I heard venison's good. I heard it too. That's great.

Eat it fart. You fucking stinky venison fart somewhere to fuck else. I don't want to smell that shit in any snake. of form. I've had cab's brains. Yeah. You know, Cecil,

and deep fried chicken, like a chicken cutler. When I was a kid, my mother would cut brain thin and then dip it in egg batter and breadcrumbs and deep-tri-y-fried. You aren't seeing it? I wouldn't see it. The weirdest thing I've ever had is a chicken hearts. What'd you have it with? It was like a

grilled plate in Israel. I only had one because my friend got it. What it tastes like? Nothing too intense. I don't remember. Remember. It wasn't disgusting. No, it wasn't disgusting. But I don't do oysters because they wriggle.

I don't like it. I don't know. It feels like a bugger. I'll do clams. We eat some clams that are. What's the name of the joint? You used to work at? Legal seafood.

Legal seafood. Somebody was asking somebody else there. I'm going to Boston. Where's the best child? And somebody says, I got to tell you, it's touristy, but I got to go down with legal seafood. Fuck yeah. And I thought so also.

I like clams. Mm-hmm. I don't like the oysters? Yeah. Clams on a half show with a little tabasco, a little. little horseradish and a mug of fucking Eineken on tap with a frozen glass. Who's going to stop you? That's a big dick right there.

You just fucking show up with a big dick and start sucking those fucking clams. It's tremendous. He just inhale them with some crackers and shit and some beer. That's nothing better than that. That's your favorite? Yeah, I like clams on a ham show. A little fried colomarmer. A couple of shrimp cocktails like a motherfucker.

I love shrimp cocktails. Maybe a stuffed clam. like a clams of oregano. Okay. When I was a kid, there was a place in North Bergen on Tunley Avenue. I used to have it. I've never had them good again. I can't lie to you.

People try to make, like, stuff clams. They buy them from a supermarket. And they put them in the oven, and they burn them. They come with, like, that fucking shell from some polluted fucking ocean. They get, like, different sizes of the shells, and they stuff that shit in there, and they cook them out. That's disgusting. With breadcrumbs, that's show.

I'm over that shit. But there's something. restaurants you go to that they get the clam and they bread and they put a little bacon on top, a little piece of garlic and they bake it in the oven and you eat just like that. It's fucking deliciously. I love all that

stuff. You know I love all that stuff. A lot of people get pissed at me. You haven't losing no weight. Lee's losing weight. You know what? I'm trying to fucking lose weight. Yeah. Next Monday I'm going to a dietitian. That's cool. Like nutritionists? Like nutritionists? Yeah, nutritionist. That's cool. I'm going to go see what the problem is here. You know what man?

And I've been sticking to that fucking health plan. My fitness plan is great. I'm up to 103 consecutive fucking days. I just messed mine up. I just, I didn't do it for a day. What happened? I forgot. I don't know. They sent you an email. I know. They send you, may send me. The other day happened to me when I was shooting this movie. I ate breakfast and left.

The issue is like my mom was making stuff so I didn't know what to put in. But when I went to Vegas that last weekend, that's really hard. Even when you try to eat healthy on the road, it's not as easy when you're at home. Listen, you wake up for breakfast. Okay, for breakfast I went down and I had the two eggs with wheat toast, bacon, and fruit. Yeah. Okay, I had three slices of thin bacon. It's probably 500 calories, yeah.

Which you put in the thing. I didn't eat the potatoes, no potatoes. I ate one piece of wheat toast instead of two. And I had both eggs, okay, just the egg yolks, you know what I? Whatever it is, 60 an egg. It doesn't kill you. You drink it with water and you go up to your room. No juice because the juice gives you extra fucking calories.

Correct and not correct. I would imagine. For lunch, I don't know what I had, but you could always go down and get some type of salad. Yeah. Whatever you throw into my fitness, ain't going to give you the right amount because those salads taste good

because they put butter in those fucking things or something. Yeah. You know, when you make a salad at home, it tastes like ass. When you go out and have a salad, it tastes like fucking something from another planet. Oh, that's cereal we had was great. It's delicious. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

delicious. I had the chicken. If you see, I was trying. I wouldn't have the steak at night. You know, it's not like I'm not trying here. I had the roasted chicken which... Is it a lot harder being a little bit older? Like being 50? I was thinking about that today. People always goof on you than when you were a kid. They go, oh, wait

until you get older and you giggle. I'll never be fat. Let me talk and tell you, it just slows down. Yeah. And you go on the treadmill. And you, I'm really enjoying the bicycle. I want on the bicycle Saturday. And I did the 45-minute package,

and I burned like 400 calories. That's good. And my knees felt great. And then Sunday I went down to Higgins, and I rolled around with Dave for a while. We did a couple things. But I've never, ever believed in paying a personal trainer. It's a lot of money.

I didn't really like it. I didn't, you know, I learned how to lift as a kid, and it works for me. I go online and I read, and I look at YouTube videos, and I make a survey of what you want to do. With the kettlebells, I went over to that school because I didn't want to get hurt. You always want to learn the proper form from somebody who knows.

If not, I would have gotten online like most people, but I knew. If you get hurt, there's no coming back at this age. Why fuck around? At 50, I hurt my back. I'm done. Yeah. You know, so I said, no, let me go to Dave. So Dave was like a class atmosphere.

When I started jujitsu, there was weeks that I would miss stuff, and I would pay John Evan to teach me a little bit. And I would work on them on a one-on-one basis. I wouldn't roll with him because he always had a hurt back, and he weighs 100 and 70 pounds. So I wouldn't roll with him. So I didn't like the whole thing. If I pay you, I want to roll with you and sweat on you and whatever.

But, and then a couple people reached out and wanted to help me out with this. And it's been great. I don't mind helping people out. But I gave Dave money at Higgins to help me out. He called me and said he was going to do a special for the holidays. And I said, you know what? I'm helping him out and I'll do him. I got to tell you something, it's the best investment I've made it myself in a long time

because we do completely different shit. He doesn't use weights or nothing, doesn't make me run or jump. It's a lot of like hip exercises and stretching my shoulders out and fucking rolling around the floor and doing breathing exercises and kicking and then taking a ball. Yesterday he made me get up and sit down 10 times. Get up and all the way to the bottom and get up. without touching your hands to the floor.

Oh. And then you take a 12-pound ball and get up and sit down 10 times. You have no fucking idea. That sounds fucked up. Yeah, that's a lot of time. I loved it. I love all that type of shit, you know.

He stressed out my knee. He stressed out my shoulders. We work on that aspect of it. It's an hour and a half sometimes close to two hours, you know. And it was a great Christmas gift to myself. You know, and I did that Sunday. I eat the salad at home, you know, which I fucking hate. I threw, you know, lettuce, tomato.

That onions, a lot of onions and a little can of tuna fish with some olive oil mixed it in there. You know, I'm trying. It's not like I'm out eating ice cream crying. Oh, I did this all fucking week. No, you didn't. Yeah. And on that movie, like I said, I've taken one twizzler a day,

and I eat it. It takes me like five minutes to eat. I bite a little bit, put it in my pocket. You had a day I found a little twizzler in my pocket, like a nine o'clock. That's a good treat. That's a good little fucking treat. I think one fucking twisler.

Can't be much. Don't really care. I had sugar-free reeses the other day. And they were pretty good, but I haven't had reesies in a while. So maybe it's not good. But to me... Sugar-free reeses, peanut butter, cups. Yeah.

You know, Lee, you think that you need shit in this life. Yeah. When I went to Weight Watchers, I realized I didn't need shit no more. When you switch from regular soda, you know, from regular soda to diet soda, when you, instead of eating a bag of chips, you just eat the sandwich. And you go, wow. And then sometimes you get a six inch.

And you eat your six inch and run out of there as you're driving home. You go, wow, I didn't really need a foot long in those days. I did okay with a six inch. This is what you learned. You know, you just learn different things about yourself and what you need and what you don't need. Before I got locked up, guys, you know, I got locked up when I was 24.

Well, excuse me, I can't lie to you. I couldn't fucking do anything without smoking pot. So like right when you wake up? Lee, in those days, I'd been trained from the age of 16. I didn't do anything. The people I hung out with for all those years didn't do anything without smoking a number. Like I'd smoke a number on the way to the bus to go to high school. Then once I got to high school, I'd see a certain group of people.

We smoke a one, let's go. And we'd smoke another one. Then we'd go back to school for a couple classes, get out of school, eat a slice of pizza, and bang out another six joints. Go home, do homework, meet again at nine, and smoke more dope. Do you understand the culture I came from?

And these weren't people that had long hair and mustachees and wore weed. These were guys that were just jocks and some guys who were pretty good students. And just, in general, you didn't have to, we didn't act that way. We just smoked fucking pot. So when I got out of North Bergen

and I moved to Colorado and I'm surrounded by pot I had the same thing I'd get up in the morning and as soon as I got out of the shit I didn't smoke cigarettes then Oh sure no it was just straight up riefer I'd get out of their shower and I'd smoke my first bonkhead You know people always say oh I saw you on the Doug Benson show You fucking could smoke

It was because those years in Colorado I was a young guy and I was getting already My lungs were acclimated And when I first got up there First thing I did in the Astonne was smoke a bong hit and I fainted at some people's house over the Paragon restaurant there was a restaurant called the Paragon at that time it belonged to Jimmy Buffett I didn't know I hadn't I didn't go in there was 19 maybe it was 1980 fucking three I was maybe 20 yeah I was 20 20 so I didn't go to bars then

I just went up there and I was there was an apartment over it they knew the waitress who lived there and we were up there smoking a bong and I passed out but after that I got baffled by the fucking bong I hadn't ever smoked a bong in New Jersey Jersey? Really? No, I had smoked joints or a pipe. None of these fucking savages had a bong. I never discovered a bonged.

I moved to Colorado in 83. So I went right out the next day and bought a bong. And started doing fucking bong hits. Bong hits after bong hit. And I loved it. So I got a guy. I already was into it. I'd get up in the morning.

I'd do three or four bong hits. Get on the bus. Go to work. At lunchtime, smoke a joint. I bring a joint with me in a tube like I do here. And then at 5 o'clock before. before the bus I'd smoke the other half. Get off the bus, go shopping,

get some salad, the steak. In those days, I'd pay for the salad, but I'd shop with the steak. At a pillowcase, I used as a duffel bag. Yeah? And I would just put the steak in there, and I never caught me at this fucking grocery store. And I'd go home. While I was cooking the steak, I'd take a shower and smoke another joint. And then when we'd eat dinner, we'd smoke another fucking joint.

And then, like, before we went to bed, we smoked another joint. That was the culture I was raised in. So when all of a sudden I had to go to prison And I was like, oh my fucking God What am I going to tell the prison guards? I'm going to go nuts And I remember like not smoking like all day And loosantly

Like by 6 o'clock I'd want to fucking kill the people That were my roommates. Get the fuck away from me. You motherfuckers, I thought I wouldn't make it in jail And it was hard for maybe a day and a half And after that like I missed it and I counted the day. days and shit. But you know what? I made it through.

And that little situation right there let me know you could live without anything. Yeah. You know, way before. No, it's weird. It's, uh, I learned it too. Like today, where I went to the movies and I brought a can of soda because I always

whenever time I go to the movies and I get the big drinks, I never lose weight that day. Because you always get at least one and then a half a refill. Even if it's diet? Yeah. Really? I think it's like the same. The sodium, yeah, the sodium.

I really need to cut that out. But it's the last thing I have. I'm really enjoying water and green tea. I can't do tea. I'm really enjoying the green tea. Dope it up, Lee. My wife makes iced tea. I take the fucking tea.

I don't even put sugar in. I just put so much lemon. And I put ice cubes in it, and I shake it up, shake it up, shake it up, shake it up, shake it up, shake it. Okay. And it comes out like this fucking ice something with lemony. And I just drink it. That's it.

And it's not bad. But you won't know unless you try. And then you just start drinking it. And next thing you know, you're doing things. But doesn't that have just the same amount of, like, the bad thing, aspartame or whatever? What? You're not putting sugar in there.

Regular ice tea doesn't have it? Okay. No, just regular iced tea out of package. Unsweetened, okay. Unsweetened, and you put some lemon on a lemon in it. And put ice cubes. You dope it up and you confuse yourself. And you shake it up with all that lemon and you fucking drink something.

It's not that badly. And you move on. That soda, hey, listen, you know, when we first started the show, we would put down two sodas. each every morning. Yeah. I don't do that at all no more. I'm very proud that

and it wasn't that I did it. I didn't figure it out. It was the people that watched the show. Yeah. Did I get home and they'd send me emails, Joey, you're drinking two cans of soda at 6 in the fucking morning. And it's true.

I got off the saw, I lost 12 pounds right away. That's awesome. Yeah, so, you know, please, just do the water. That's tough. Hey, listen, when I was 26 and tell me they tell me to get off water or they'd go on water,

I'd tell them to suck my dick. I was having a good old time with fucking ice tea. I used to go to Jack in the box before I went to prison. Yeah. And I get the seafood and crab salad. All bullshit. Oh, God.

With the package sweetened that they give you, it was 1,000 calories. Any salad you get out of the house that taste that good, you're eating something that's a Fugazi. It's the only salad I got fat off of her. Really? I got fat as fuck. And I get the iced tea. And in those days, fat fuck for me was 210.

Oh. I'm 100 pounds more on that now. Yeah. And those days, 210 was like, I'm a fat fuck. Oh, my God. I was walking around at 185, 119, 195. I go up to 219. Oh, my God.

What am I thinking? What am I doing to my waistline? And I was eating those salads. But I would buy iced tea with extra lemon and put 20,000 of those sugar packages in it. Oh, really? And that kills you. Yeah. That fucking kills you.

Fuck. That's a lot of weed you were smoking. Because I'm really high right now. I'm just like, that's a lot of weed. I'm telling me. What do you like about weed? Like, what draw you to it? When I was a kid, I did not like it.

And then, I think the first time I smoked was probably in the sixth grade. And I'm feeling guilty as fuck. But the kids that smoked it in that time were fun kids. Like, you had a good time when you got high. You really genuinely had a great fucking time. Like, you giggled and listened to music. music and you cracked on each other and there'd be 16 people. You imagine 16 of us high in one room cracking jokes.

Yeah, that'd be fun. And giggling. And we were 12. Did you get high the first time? I didn't. You know, I don't remember how long it took, but after a while we would buy, we would get a nickel bag from Nelson, the pervert. Of course.

Listen to him fuck. And we'd get like a glass pipe and we'd smoke the, you'd put the joint in the glass and you'd light it. Yeah. And they would have a carburetor, and we'd eat steak hits, and we'd go back. We'd do this in-between classes. So from 12 to 1, that lunchtime, we'd smoke that, go to ShopRite, get lunch, and then go back to school at 1, and we'd be fucking stoned all afternoon.

That was a blast. But I only did that with the North Bergen kids. I didn't do that with my karate buddies. My karate buddies didn't get high, so I had to keep it a secret. Okay. So I would get high once a month. But to answer your question, when I was 17, I had a buddy Mike that worked on the sporting goods. And he used to get the best weed than anybody else would get.

Like in those days, we were getting like just like green weed or whatever. He would get chocolate tie wheat. And in those days, if you paid 20 for a big bag, you paid him 35 for maybe an eighth or half eighth. And you took it home and you cut it with a scissors. You rolled it in a joint. And oh my god, Lee, you smoked three parts of this, and it was just sensational. You were stonly.

You put on Judas Priest's hell bent for leather. Oh, no. And you'd fucking sit there and just look at each other. And after that, you walked to a diner and got a cheeseburger deluxe with French fries and mozzarella cheese on your fries, and you drank sodas. That sounds amazing. And you'd walk home, and you'd still be fucking high.

You couldn't go in the house because your mom was still away. So you'd sit outside and you'd giggle for another hour. That was getting stoned. Or getting high and going home and listening to that album you just bought with the enthusiasm lead like a new toy, like getting a new girlfriend eating out pussy for the second time because the first time you slipped, you didn't stick a finger up your asshole.

Whatever the fuck you're into. It's like that first time. Plus, I tell you, the most that attracted me, the most obvious choice that attracted me for Riefer. It made me go to sleep with no drama. I've always had some form of fucking insomnia. And this is legitimately, this is not for a license, this is not the lie to the people at home.

I'm talking to my little brother Lysayat on the podcast. The truth of the matter is when I was 17, I figured out that whenever I smoked pot and I ate, I'd go to sleep. No questions asked. Go to sleep hard. Like wake up six hours later with the pillow turned and your t-shirt over your head and you ask yourself how, and then you take your t-shirt off,

you'd move the blank and go to sleep for another three hours. That's what marijuana did to me naturally. Yeah. So when I thought I was losing marijuana, like, if I didn't have weed, I'd stay up until 5 in the morning in those days. Yeah, fuck you. Just stay the fuck up, and that's what attracted me to it.

To be honestly, booze made me go to sleep, but a different sleep. You wake up early? It sucks. It made me eat fucked up. It made me burp all night. I had to get up and pee. I woke up with a fuck.

fucking headache. All this to fall asleep. So all I have to do is take three hits off a joint, eat a cheeseburger deluxe, and I sleep eight hours like a fucking soldier. Yeah. That's really attracted to me. Edibles put me to fucking sleep. Fuck, yeah. I'm not going to lie to anybody at home. I love edibles because it hits me like a fucking left hook.

I go home, I get some coffee, I take two hits off a joint. Ooh, oh, baby. That's crazy. So is it your favorite? Is it your favorite drug? My all-time favorite. Really? That's why.

They're coming for us. That's why I still do it today. That's why I still enjoy it. It's like the only one you really do. Everyone's all I do mushrooms. Oh my God. Yes, I went to work out with Dave. I got back at...

The workout was at 10. I probably got back at 10 to 12. I had to go to Hollywood for a fucking audition, which you might have to put on tape for me tomorrow. Okay. I didn't know where the place was. I went to the wrong place. I parked on a break.

and had to walk two blocks, like off LaBray. You know how Hollywood is? There's no fucking parking. I went to that side of town. I get there, and I'm like, is this the place? I'm like, no. I'm like, Jesus Christ. I called the place, nobody answered.

So I had to get in my car. I come home. I get home. I smoke two pipe plugs. And I'm sitting outside there. And I'm like, oh, my God, I got to take an app. And I slept for two feet. And before that, I ate the 250 milligram.

It was a 500 milligram anti-Dolores brownie. And I ate the time. top of it off and I threw the bottom of it away just because it has the vanilla whatever on top. Okay. Frosting. And then when I got up, it was nothing. I wasn't high. Oh, maybe I fell asleep because of the choke bounty.

Was I fucking wrong? Holy scadoodle! I fucking was high as fuck. At 7.30 my wife kept asking what is your problem? You're sitting there staring into the obis? Whatever the fuck. Abyss. I'm sorry. I said,

I call Lee. I'm like, we're going to do a podcast. Call me back on an hour. Lee called back. What are we going to do? I don't know, Lee. Call me back on an hour. I was fucking out of it.

I basically passed out. When I got up at 3 in the morning to pee last night, I was like, oh my God, I passed the fuck out tonight. Hell yeah. That's why I like marijuana. That's the real, real truth.

There's two reasons. The first reason is the sleep issue. Yeah. And the second reason, honest to God, is how good music sounds. Where's fucking Tony Bennett? What's going on? Wait.

Monday, December 15, you had eight days to make it happen, motherfuckers. Why don't come crying? Because then you want to be set by the 29th, 24th. You want to hear you shit. You don't want to be a bummed like me. Two. Pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks your heart.

Some, somebody twice as smart. as I... You can get Tony Bennett on the podcast. How are you going to get him on a fucking podcast? I don't know. Tweet him. He probably has an intern tweeting. What am we going to tell him? I'll be around.

My favorite fucking jam. Come on and do the podcast with me and the Flying Jew. Hell yeah. Don't you remember me? I opened for you in 1995. Did you really? Yeah. You never told that story?

By mistake. I went to Joey's with Ed Belasca booked it. In Dearborn, Michigan. A club named Joey? Yeah, it's going to name Joys. And every year he does the Fox Theater or whatever the theater is there. I don't mean to... I think it's the theater there in Dearborn,

and he would go over to Joey's to eat after with the spaghetti of meatballs. And he would sing a few songs. And I got the town called him. I was there a night early. I was going to sleep in the parking lot. And he told me that... Go to the hotel register, tell him, you're the comic. I'll pay you $50.

Do you have a suit? And I said, yeah, and I went and bombed. But I got $50 and a free night in a hotel. That wasn't going to have, usually. Did you stay for the concert? I stayed for the three song. I went over and thanked them. But I didn't talk about this.

Did he say I want to be around? No, he's saying, you know, I left my heart in San Francisco, some other fucking jam. That's crazy. You know, I've been trying to write the book. Yeah. And I've been trying to write this chapter, and it really, I had no value on this part of my life.

I never really put a value on it. And it started in 97. I had no value on this part of my life. I never really spoke about it. And the other day, I was doing comedy, and I was talking to somebody on the road. The last time I was saying, he was asking me about doing comedy.

He was a feature act. And I told him when I became a feature act, much I worked. That when I came here, I was a decent feature act. I'm not going to lie to anybody. A feature act is the second comic you see at a comedy club. And he usually does 25 minutes, 30 if he's really good. And I would do 25. And I was decent on the scale of 1 to 10. I rated myself as 6. And I moved to Los Angeles. And at the time I moved to Los Angeles, I was a 4.5. and I went to the improv one night and I died in between Nick DePaulo and somebody else,

Doug Stanhope. I followed Doug at the Black Show and I died, but there was another incident I followed either Dave Attell in between Nick Topalo and I didn't do bad, but I saw how bad my flaws were. So I called around and I put myself on the road. And in those days, I would take a bus to El Paso. And El Paso was

In those days when I first moved here I probably went to Bakersfield We always went to up north Jesus Lee I don't even go up there No more Why? I used to go up north all the time Bakersfield

San Bernardino All that stuff up there I forget the Visalia All that up there You stop at the tremendous tacos It's very Mexican-oriented All the way up Fresno

We would do that theater. In those days, you worked a lot of that. But the only outside club I worked was... This is 97. Was El Paso. Opaso paid $300. And you had to take a bus down there, you know? And I think after the first time, he made me a feature act.

And I hooked up with this guy, Roger Paul, out of New York. And I went on the road. I basically go, fuck it. I'm not going on the road. And I took all these bookers' names. and I would take a bus to Opaso. O'Passo would start first. But before that, I want to turn it back.

I got a job selling screws at a place on IVort. Like, in Hollywood, screws. So you screw into the wall? Screw into the wall. And I would, this was 90, this was the spring of 97. And what I did was I took a job and you had to be there at 5 in the morning. Wow. Because at 5, it's 8 in East Coast.

That's when you could sell screws to people in offices and people that own construction companies. That's one of the people who buy that stuff. It's wholesale screws, but you've got to buy 10,000 of them. So if you're an electrical company, you'll buy those. You know, those type of screws, Phillips had regular screws, one inch by three, galvanines, whatever the fuck it was. And I would basically go to the store till two, do a little blow,

and drive to Ivon, park out in front of Ireland, I'm asleep until about 10 to 5. And I go in, I drink some coffee, I smoke some pot, and I go in there and sell screws and shit, but what I was doing was faxing my avails to different comedy clubs and different bookers.

So I was working, I would work, I would sell shit, I would work for them. And then once 9 a.m. came, I would fax my avails for the year to Roger Paul, to some guy in Florida, some guy in D.C., some guy in Boston. And that's how I started.

and I would just fax them. And nobody would fucking call me back. Nobody would even give a fuck. You know, there's people out of your email and they have fallouts. And there's a lot of comics that listen to this. I'm just telling you that this was a hard time. I remember I strung something together.

Like I strung El Paso and like a one-nighter in Houston. That's how it started for me. And once I put myself out there, then the call started coming. I have a Thursday and Friday in Florida and only pays $600 and the plane ticket would be two

fuck it I can go I'm gonna pick up 400 I'm in the hotel room and you know what Sunday I'll figure it out after the weekend I'll figure it out and sure enough I went to Florida and the guy's like there's a guy in Gainesville that has a Friday and Saturday

you could stay with me I'll get you 150 on Thursday at the one-nighter boom let's go and I did that then that guy's told me about a room and then Roger Paul called with Myrtle Beach. It was short money, but I was somewhere for four days.

I could do laundry, I could eat, and that's how it started. Lee, I put myself out there. And within six months, I was basically going to, and shitty money, Lee. So you didn't come back to L.A.? No, I would just stay out there. I would take the winter jacket, one pair of sneakers, and I would worry about clothes on the fucking road. And all I needed was a notebook, cigarettes, and weed.

I'd pick up the coke as I traveled. So I would take the bus for 35 bucks to El Paso Do the four nights, pick up 500 in El Paso Take a bus or a flight for 200 to Miami Go to Miami, do the two weeks there, pick up 1,200, Snort 800 of it, take 400 and take a flight to Myrtle Beach Do the week in Myrtle Beach, pick up another 350, Go to fucking D.C., pick up 200 there

At whatever the fucking club was but in Bethesda, Maryland, they pay me like 300 bucks, and then one in Tyson's Corner would pay me like 500 bucks. Then from there, I go to the city, I'd stay with my buddies and do something in the middle of New Jersey for no money. Getting embarrassed, just, I would stay on my buddy's balcony in those days, and I eat his food, and he loved me, and I'm still friends with him. His dad just passed away, Mike Ascleese.

I'll put it out there from him. I send him my love to his father. God bless his soul, and he would take care of me. And then from there I'd go to Boston and go to... Hooky Lab. I would go to the Hockey, I would go to Club 56 and Andover Mass. I know I even heard it. And then from there, I would go, they don't do comedy no one.

At that time it was big. And then I would stay the whole week at the hotel. He'd pick up two of the nights and I'd pay for two of the nights. You know, and then I'd do Worcester the next weekend. And then from there, I'd go to, where's the other kid from? What else is up there? Maine. I go to Maine. I'd do that weekend up there. And then from there I'd go to Buffalo and I'd do the Funny Bone in Buffalo. This is 15 fucking years ago. And then from there I'd go, my friend's dad,

Irish was dating an Italian girl from Buffalo. He called her dad to drive me over the border. This was way before 9-11. And he would sneak me into Canada. And I'd go up to Toronto and do two weeks at the Comedy Land. Hollywoodville. Yeah, it was Comedy Land. There's something like that. like to compliment. And we go to Blah Street, like DuBlow and fuck around. I was tremendous. Go to the Cuban name.

We'd go to Chinese food in Toronto. So how long would you be on the road for? Six, seven months. Taking notes the whole time. Writing jokes every night, getting fucked up, waking up in the morning. Going to a club broke.

Getting to a club broke, Lee, and going, hey, before I even start the week, let me get 100 to get the party started. I got a kid waiting for me of weed. The DJ's got. weed. I got a bag of blow downstairs. I got to do laundry tomorrow. I got to get the

calling card. And it was the education of my life. And Leah, where I'm telling you, like, I'm on, and then I would go to Syracuse. And I do Buffalo, Syracuse and Rochester. And I picked up a girlfriend in Syracuse that had a fucking landscaping

company. And I would do work just around her house, just around that neighborhood, the Ontario Theater that just recently closed. I would do Toronto, but on the weeks, instead of getting a hotel, I would go to Syracuse and help her, and she would pay me. And then during the week, this was an education for me. I didn't even enough with this book, but this sounds like a book. This is pretty cool. This was Comedy 101. A lot of people, I always feel bad for comics, and I go to them, you know,

you should come on the road with me, whatever. This was a time when nobody was helping me. I was friends with Joe Rogan, but he was just taking Chris McGuire then. He was just finishing up Fear Factor And Joe had gotten mad at me Over the incident at the Las Vegas Riviera When the guy said I ran up the phone bill In those days and I always had a calling card He just always never really liked me

After I said Joe always had doubts Joe still my friend But he took Chris McGuire out So I was still going on the road I didn't go to fuck, who don't take me on the road You know me dog And I had also picked up Houston at that time I had also picked up

There was a different place in Austin, not even the place, because now in Austin you have the place where you want me to have Capside. But then there's the other place that's also great. That's downtown. That's a smaller place. In those days, they had a little country place outside. Like they did barbecue.

And at night, you did comedy for like 300. So I would go to Texas. So I would go to El Paso, Houston, Dallas, maybe Midland, maybe Odessa, maybe

you know, all these off cities. And then I fly out of Houston, hitchhike overnight, take a bus overnight all night, and take like a cheap flight for me to Dallas, to San Antonio, to Boston, and start that tour all over here. Is that why you get mad when the comedians, like, say they're going to weddings or they don't have work?

Because that's pretty crazy. I don't think I knew all that. I did nothing. From 97, I stopped doing that in April of 2004. 2000. Three years. 2000. And don't get me wrong.

I did not stop touring after that. I just tamed it down. But if you get my wife in here to set that microphone, she will tell you that from 2000 to 2005, I still went on the road 25 weeks. And the cocaine was making me cancel three or four of those weeks. I would get too paranoid to get to the airport and shit, and I wouldn't leave.

And I'd call a cab and make believe I was sick. I got kidnapped by aliens, whatever the fuck. But I was still doing 20 weeks. and on the holiday weeks, I didn't believe in holidays. I still, I would leave here on the 20th. I would miss Gabriel's party, and I would leave and go to Houston, Texas. He was the first guy to headline me.

And I would stay there for two weeks. I'd leave on the 20th. I would come back on the 30th, 31st in the afternoon. Then I would do New Year's at Rogan. So I wouldn't see Terry till the first. I would leave, and I would miss her birthday every year, And I'd bring it back some fucking gift from Houston just so I wouldn't have to. But that's what comedy meant to me.

Like this was always something you had a fight for. When I committed to this, I committed to this. And it was because when I left Boulder in 95, I knew that if I left my daughter, I couldn't come back hit. You know, I had to come back with something or another. I'm happy I stuck it out. You know, I'm very happy I stuck it out. I'm very fortunate.

But this is why I said this podcast isn't about fucking busting out Hollywood stars or whatever. This is about us busting ourselves out. You know, this is what you have to do sometimes. And that's why I committed to it. I didn't know no other life. All I knew was to buy underwear, music. I had a CD player in those days. I would switch CDs.

I would buy books. And I just read books at Barnes & Normals. And the rest of the money went to cocaine and the buses. I went all across this country on a fucking Greyhound bus, bro. And I would pick up work every week because then I started just getting with bookers. Once I got him with John Yoder in the Midwest, he had 61-nighters.

So have you emailed him Monday morning at 9, and then called him at 930, 945? He can give you something. You know Jody, who we just had Cuban food with a couple weeks ago? Her and I went out for two weeks. I ended up staying out for eight. Because I kept picking up weeks in the wintertime. We started a triple run for two weeks in, in, what do you call that?

Seattle and Portland, Oregon. And we ended up in St. Louis, Missouri, back to Portland, Oregon, through El Paso, we picked up a fallout into Miami for two weeks. All in the car? All in the car, except we parked the car in Houston and flew to Miami from Houston. Okay. So that's the kind of work you pick up once you commit to the work. Once you commit and you're out there, you'll pick up work.

And I didn't invent this. I learned this from the great Doug Stanhope. Really? That's what you did? Yeah. Doug Stanhope got his car, packed it up, and got on the road. And that's it. Every city got a comedy club.

Pop in there. How you doing? My name is Lee Syatt. I like to do a guest set here tonight. Okay. Where are you crashing, man? On my car. No, no, no, no.

Go to the comic condo. The headliner stand in the hotel. You have the bedroom to yourself. Do laundry. And you're like, holy shit. You come back, you do a guest set. You're funny. Some fucking comic goes, hey, man, what are you doing tomorrow night?

You want to stay in town? Crash in my basement and do a night for $2.50. And there you go. You didn't expect to pick that up. But nothing would have happened unless you went to that comedy club. Yeah. Nothing would have happened unless you packed your car and believed in yourself. Was it hard for you?

Because I know you're not. I don't want to say anti-examette. social, but you're not like a hangout kind of guy. It became like stealing. It taught me so much about life that I knew, but I didn't believe. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I didn't believe that I would go to Rochester

and, you know, where are you staying? So I got to drive back to Syracuse. Listen, man, come back up here Thursday and Friday, open up here, we'll give me 200 bucks. and we'll book you in May and you're like, oh my God, you know. I would go to Detroit. I went to Detroit one time.

I went to Saginaw. And I was supposed to be in Saginaw and Traverse City. You know, I'd just give you an example. I was supposed to be in Saginaw and Traverse City. And they only paid for the hotel Friday and Saturday. And I would have had to pay for the hotel Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Five fucking nights. Yeah.

I could have found the hotel 50 bucks a night. But I just got paid for $400. bucks. Yeah. So I'm eating veggie and cheese sandwiches from Subway Sandwich. That's why I love that sandwich because I'll never forget that sandwich. That sandwich saved me on the road. It fed me.

If you get extra lettuce and you know the people put extra tomatoes on there, it's not a bad sandwich. I remember being in Sagina and Michigan. And a dude comes up to me. He's saying, hey man, that was funny shit. You know, my brother-in-law lives up from New York City and you remind me of there when we started talking. And next thing you know, he's like, you want to smoke reefer?

He went outside, we smoked reefer. He's like, you want me to give you a ride to the hotel. We went to the hotel. We sat in front of my hotel, talk shit. The guy was cool as fuck. He was married. He had kids. I went home.

I didn't think nothing of it. The next night I went to the club, he was there. And he goes, hey, man, tomorrow morning, you don't want to go back. I want to show you some hospitality. My wife's making, you know, some steaks, and you could eat. And I ate that. And while we're eating, they're like, listen.

If you just got to go to Sacramento, if you're going to stay here, stay downstairs. Save the 200 bucks. You know, he gets lonely. So every night he comes home from one, come downstairs. The daytime I listen to music and write jokes, he'd come home at 6. He played with his kid and he come down and we just watch movies and shit. And he was like, you know, I don't have any brothers out of here. He was from like Tennessee or something.

I hope. So you meet people. And for some reason, he just put a certain trust in them. When I would go to Boston, I'd stay with this big, fat security door guy that was married to a Puerto Rican chick. He was a big Irish white dude, and he was married to a Puerto Rican chick and had kids with us. So he knew I love rice and beans. So he'd say, during the weeks, stay at the hotel, but during the week, stay in my basement.

And my wife will make rice and beans for you. They live in San Antonio now. Oh, cool. You meet different people, Lee. And then when you go to that town, they look forward to seeing you, and they look forward to feeding you. and cooking for you. It's really, it's a positive, it's the fucking,

and don't get me wrong. I know many nights that I spent the Utica, New York train bus station or the Rochester. You don't know what life is until you're in Buffalo waiting for a transfer at 4 in the 1. And it's February, and you got an hour and a half to kill, and the bus station is closed from 5 to 6. And you've got a walk around Buffalo,

and you get a newspaper, and you got $3 until you get to the next city. You have no idea what life is. It taught me a lot. It taught me fucking a lot. But it also made me that good of a comic. It made me that good of a fucking comic. You think that's a... Oh, please.

You get this belief. You get this fucking belief that you could do it. I made them laugh in Buffalo. I made them laugh from Rochester. I'm not good in the Bible Belt. I'm not good in the fucking Bible Belt. From Iowa to West Virginia, You don't really do those areas.

What's that? Well, you did Tennessee, but you don't really do Oklahoma. Because they booed me already. Why would you want to go somewhere? You're going to get bidslapped? You're going to go somewhere? They booed you? They pretty much.

I mean, you know where you click and you know where you don't click after a while. Yeah. I used to do those. I told you when I went to the trailer, they gave me meth. That wasn't what's Virginia. You know, what do you think these stories happen? Because every time I go, then I get comfortable, I'd ask somebody for powder.

some type of powder. What's going on? Who's got the fucking yay? You know? And some nights and I always got good powder. I never got robbed. And that night I didn't get robbed. I just did meth. So what? You got to buy speed every once in a while. Who gives a fuck, dog? Nobody did fucking speed in your house.

Oh, my God. Let's give some shoutouts. And we'll continue this conversation. My main man, Sean Quirk, John Tate, Corey Gaetan. My man Renee N. Carson, coming out to visit. visit, Mae Kenneson, Stoner's Guide, and Dead Squad everywhere. I love you, motherfuckers.

I haven't forgotten about you bad motherfucking Dead Squires. I'll see you all across the country. Don't forget this podcast goes live Wednesday night, the 17th, St. Lazarus birthday. Myself, Lee Syatt, and the rock superstar Dean Del Rey at the Laugh Factory in Long Beach. Tickets are available. And New Year's Eve, I'm at the fucking ice house.

with Lysayette doing some type of fucking podcast. What are you going to ask my brother? I don't know. No, it was interesting fucking journey. What? Were you less dirty when you were being on a feature act? Depends where I was gone, but I was always trying to be. If I went back a second time, they liked me.

They liked me. Like Toronto was a club that paid $600 the headlines, so they couldn't get Bill Burr at the time. They couldn't get the big name, so they used strong feature acts. who had 40, 45 minutes. I would do an okay job done as a headliner. Not really.

Not really. I did an okay job. I'm not going to lie to you. But at least it taught me have a stretch. You know, you went to Toronto. You had to stay. You did two weeks. You did one week in the city,

but the other week you did this town, like an hour away from Toronto. And you had to sleep at the mother's house, downstairs in the basement. What? In a private bedroom with the brother right next door. and the brother drove hookers.

At night, he was a fat dude that looked like Berkowitz, the guy who shot the 44 caliber killer. At night, he would sleep in his room, and you'd hear him, and he'd come to you and night. I got a black girl available for a half hour. You want to fuck? No, get the fuck out of here. I mean, I ran into shit like that.

I bumped into the girl who had the AIDS, or whatever the fuck she had. What? Wait, no, you know what? She had gonorrhea. Oh, the girl in the bus. And the bus that she was escaping from Rochester, the Syracuse.

Oh, okay. I thought you really went into growth aid. No, and if I did, maybe I would. I don't fucking know. You know, you do whatever you do on the road. You know, when you get into music or comedy or anything, you think you're Willie Nelson. At least I did, that one of debtor a live video by Bon Jovi.

That thing by Bob's Heger. all those videos of life on the road and those songs about life on the road. You know, at first, that cliche, when you start watching them, you know, and you're out there, when you first get into comedy, I remember being at the Denver Comedy Works

and being an open micer and just sitting in the back in the green room and they would be talking about, where's, you know, Jeff, Todd Jordan this week, and they would say, he's on the road. You know, if he was working for Tribble, they said he was tribling.

And I remember being an open mic and being so impressed when people said that. Like, oh my God, you know, Todd Jordan's on the road or the other fucking guys on the road or whatever, you know. And all of a sudden I started going on the road. And you're not making any money, Lee. You're going on the road for peanuts. But you're not doing this because of the money.

You're doing this because you know in the back of your heart, you're learning. And you're going to be that much better of a comic someday. You know, you're going to be that much better because of these things. I think of one night in Buffalo where I had to go at this bar where the Buffalo Sabre game was on. And I had to go up in between the halftime. You really did that? And they just stared at me, Lee.

They just stared at me. And towards the end, I got like two good laughs. Then the hell line I went up. And he killed him. And that always stuck with me that I got to get good enough to have. headline this room. And a year later, I went up there and there was a playoff game, and I volunteered to go up there and kill, and I did. Those things like that, they measured where you were getting to in your life as a comic. But the life lessons, the people I met, I met some great fucking

people, Lee. I met some great people. I mean being in Baltimore one night and doing this benefit of some shit and talking to this couple for an hour and them going. I'm going to. I'm going to Listen, man, them leaving? And them coming back and going, listen, man, we don't know how to ask you this without signing creepy. I'm like, oh, no, he wants me to go fucking in front of him while he waxed off on my back or something disgusting because he was kind of, she was superb looking.

And he was, I'm never forgetting this. And he was like mediocre, but he was a sweetheart of a man. So I could tell he was either really rich or really had a big dick or something. They came back and they said, listen, we know you're at this hotel, right? You said you're three miles from here. We live in a house. We have a warm bed.

Nobody will break into your door tonight. And we'll drive you to the bus station. And you can take the bus from Baltimore and New York. They have a 9 o'clock in the morning. We do it all the time. And I let it tell him, I'm like, ah, okay. And I went back to the hotel. No, I never checked into the hotel.

The bus I got into Baltimore, what was late. That's why I had my luggage. And I had to take a cab, and they said, no, we'll just drive you down. And we went back to that place. They introduced me to their dog. They couldn't have kids or something. She was sick. And we smoked some pot.

We went to bed. Next one I got up, and I smelled bacon. I had bacon. I had some eggs. They were very nice. They drove me. I think I kept in touch with my loss, that number. But who does that happen to?

I wasn't a star. I wasn't doing movies then. I was living with Josh Wolf on his couch. Paying him $100 a month to live on his fucking couch. They could have done anything they wanted to me, Lee. No, I've got a thousand of those. That's a cool documentary. A thousand of those fucking stories.

Being in Iowa and meeting people that just want to be in time. I remember one time I was in Ireland. I was, there used to be, what's the club in Texas? There's a Dallas Improv and Hyenas. Well, hyenas used to have two or three. clubs and they hired me to do Wednesday through Sunday and that Wednesday was black night and I went up on black night thinking I was going to die and I killed and on the way out this black family took me to their house and cooked for me they didn't have they weren't millionaires

this house looked like a fucking bomb made it I hate it a bomb hit it they lived in the projects you know and the black people outside out there all ganged up in fact there was a guy out there making pork chop sandwiches just on the side of the road glee delicious I bet fried pork chops on the side of the motherfucking street

and you took your own white bread so it was like a thing of white bread you know a thousand black hands that's been in there we crack on their fingernails like the guy did not give a fuck if you bought a pork chop

you would stick your fucking greasy hands in there and get two pieces a white bread out, he would put the pork job on the white bread and you would bite into it and figure out where the bone was later. Once you heard your tooth crack,

booyah, you hit the fucking bone. He didn't take it out. And he gave you like a sauce, a thing, a hot sauce. Again, you could see mud on the fingers and AIDS and shit and crack and fucking pussy juice and you had to put hot sauce on your fucking pork chop and that's how you ate it.

And he barely gave you like a napkin. The napkin he gave you had his fingerprints on it that were fucking disgusting but it was delicious and I went to these black people's house and they got me stone on the worst weed everly like four of us must have smoked

15 fucking joints and we barely got high we went outside we bought the pork chop sandwiches and they gave me a right home I never forgotten that never forgotten that they got me high they were very funny they were they enjoyed that I was Cuban they could have mugged me leave they could

And something made me trust that. Did anyone ever do anything creepy? One time I almost got mugged in Fresno. How? This black football coach used to bring us up there twice a year. Me, Felipe, Gabriel, Rudy, Martin Moreno, D. Militon, a couple black comics. Real cool guy.

He paid you okay. And he either fly you up or you drive you. drive up with those guys, Rudy, or whoever. And we did a gig one night. I was buying drugs. You know, I'm not going to tell you. I wasn't doing nothing. And after a show, I got involved with some Mexican gangbangers.

With, like, dreading out those, you know, with those things in the hand. Like, Tom Sigero put on the cover of his hair. Cornrows? White girls like cornrows. And they had tats and shit. They had the cornrows, and we started talking. And they started talking about blow. I didn't get it.

you know, if cocaine was, and I didn't see it coming. This is the thing that you think that you're so cool and you think you're Johnny Street and I started talking to these fucking Mexican dudes and all of a sudden in all this, some black dudes pulled up with like that Denzel car on training day, like that same type of car, no bullet holes,

and nothing, and they got out, and we all started talking. So one thing, led to the other. Like, well, he's looking for this. And they're like, all right, why don't we take him? And we just drop his ass off at the hotel after he gets his shit, you know, how much you want. And I'm like, so I didn't know what happened. I thought that the people I was with knew the Mexican dudes, oh, so I'm getting the car with the black people. And I'm in the backseat behind the driver. And we pull, we pull a little bit. And that's when I realized nobody's in this

car that I know. These guys don't know me from fucking that, I'm like, what the fuck happened? And we drive like a mile or two and there's a gas station. And I go, let's pull in there and get some sodas and stuff. And they're like, all right, gee. So what type of numbers you're looking to get? You know, we need 200 just to roll down. And I'm like, no, no, no, no.

That guy, we went to that gas station. And I pulled him at a gas station, the coach that booked those rooms, pulled up. He goes, hey, let me holl at you for a second. He goes, dog, we got to get in your car. What the fuck are you doing with these guys? guys. If you need something, I'll get you something. He goes, these guys will rob you. Come on.

We got the fuck out of there, and that was the closest I ever came. Fuck. That's scary. But that was my fault for doing drugs. Every time I did that room, I always got the drugs there. Again, sometimes, one night, I was

at Rodrigo and Felipe, and I got a bag of meth there. And I started doing it, and I was fucked up. And Rodrigo, and I'm in Felipe's in Rodrigo's room and I can't stop smoking cigarettes and I can't stop talking. And I had to be honest with him.

I said, I did some fucking meth, you know? What are you going to do? You can't walk on one leg? You can't walk on one leg. Sometimes you've got to hit it from two directions. I'm not going to tell you I was fucking drug-free 10 years ago. I did whatever came along.

You have a little speed? Something like, it's been a while. I'm like fucking, what's his name? It's been a while. What the fuck? I don't know. You had a little bit of fucking. Yay from time to time.

I wouldn't do it anymore. I wouldn't know what to do now later. Do you know that? Really? I wouldn't know what to do. And every six months, not that somebody asked me if I would do a blow,

but somebody asked me, what do I think? And I tell them, I go, I don't think anything. I think that if I ever did it, I would die that night. I just think my mind and my heart would give up.

Have you ever been like, because I saw that Hunger Games with my mom today? And I was thinking about like what Philip Seymor Hoffman after 20-something years of being sober like what made him go back to it like when you're mad or depressed do you ever think

maybe I'll do some Coke? Never. No? No. Especially now with the baby. I know how much it would mean. Yeah. I know how much it would hurt my wife.

It wouldn't even be, you know, for the first time my life has a little value because of the baby and my wife and both of them together give you a little something. It's the first time I've been scared. You know, if you ever watch the end of that movie with Richard Gere and Andy Garcia Garcia, it's a fucked up movie, but at the end when he's dying, he goes, when you have

kids, it changes you. It makes you do things you might not want to do or do before, you know. So I'm pretty, I don't know if I'd do drugs again. If anything, I would do a little bit of white heroin in a needle. No, you can't do a needle? Yeah, because I never did it. At this point, I think if I did it with somebody cool, and I looked the other way and put my iPod in,

and they shot my arm a little bit of heroin, and then pulled some blood out and held it, and then I just kept breathing. And I go to my island of the Serenity, and they shoot me a little bit more. I think I'd just get high for a few hours. I would like that. I think that's a lot worse than doing a little bit of Coke.

Isn't it terrible? No, no. no, no, some good, good, like a good Chinese guy. A good one? A good one? Yeah, like some dude. No, no, no. Like some good Chinese guy in New York that brought it from Toronto. Something from, you know,

something Chinese, they processed it very clean. Oof, some fucking, you know, some white debt. Something with one of those names, some white debt. And it had to be a professional. Like, it had to be a professional. Like, listen, what would you shoot? Well, I do the whole bag, but I do it.

All right, then give me a quarter of that. Just give me a tiny little beat, mix it with some water, and just blast me a little bit. Poked the arm, put on some Black Sabbath, and take it out, and then loosen it. And I would, just to go nuts for two hours. Is it supposed to be great? It would fuck me up.

It would take a guy like me where I need to be before the next journey. You know, worried about getting addicted to it? No, not one little tiny taste like that. In my arm with a needle, it's clean, Bobby. Who's Bobby? Bobby, like... Who shot that duck? Andy Dolores is crazy.

So what do you think? How are you feeling fun? I'm a super high. No, you're not. You look good, your conscience? It's clean. Anti-Dolores is putting out. I'm not saying it's bad. I spoke to somebody I gave it to, and they said, that shit took a leap up anti-Dolars.

products. Yeah. Took a fucking leap up. You're high right now, but you're not. You're not all goofing. I'm getting there. No, you're not. You look good.

You look healthy. Thank you. What else did you do with your mom? So you got a driver. What did you do these last three days? Think of what you have that I don't have. I don't have a mom. So I'm very proud that you, we were goofing on it before she came.

You're like, you get mad at me if I go and you're? No, no, no, no. I want you to see your mom. What happened with your mom this week? How was it? How was the meeting of the Mexicans? It was a little bit. nerve-racking, but it went well. Like, I was just

nervous, because my mom, like, she's just the whitest, like, I'm the whitest, and we're just, like, I just was nervous. But it went great. They really liked each other. We went to dinner. They're going to call each other every week. No. All right. I can't be.

No, but, like, I was nervous. It was like, fuck. I had only introduced my mom to, like, one other girl before, I think, or maybe two. But no, it wasn't. It was. It wasn't good. And it was, that was fine. You take it to a steakhouse, you show Raleigh Morton's your cheat. No, no.

No, I did. We went out with my mom and I went and Paula and stuff. But my mom wanted to cook, so she cooked lamb that one night, what you hated. And who went over there? Just me and her her night. One night that Paula got on her mom go over. Just Paula came over one night. What did she eat? They ate. Oh,

we got a takeout that night. What'd you get? Chicken terriarchy. What'd your mom think? She liked. she got shrimp it was good and then she goes tomorrow where'd you go yesterday to the museum of tolerance

and what did you guys learn and they saw a bunch of juice cream pretty much no it's uh it was a fucked up experience like we saw we listened to Survivor speak it was pretty

now when you went to how many people were in the museum a bunch were they all Jews there were some Jews but no there's some like Mexican people and stuff but there's a black family

a trio of black girls and uh no it was I had been to them in D.C. and Israel before and I get really depressed like I dodged him in a bad mood to say it really it takes it out of you I didn't this one wasn't that good because they had you

follow like a weird fake conversation with some scientists like looking at or historians I guess looking at the Holocaust but like the one in Israel is pretty terrible and it's just it's a my mom wanted to go and I made her happy did you cry I got cheered up a little bit.

It's... Did you say an Israeli prayer? No, we didn't say a prayer. I didn't say a prayer. When you went home and broke the lamp, did you say a prayer before the lamb? I love lamb. I love lamb.

I know you do. You like all that shit. She makes it a little bit of mustard mixed with breadcrumbs. A little bit of mint jelly. She made homemade apples. Oh. I didn't even know she did that.

Come on. Until this year. And now today, what did you guys do? Today we went into Hunger Games and went shopping Where'd you go see Hunger Games? Burbank And you saved on the parking Yeah, fuck yeah

They didn't have it at the Lumley anymore I would have said I would have seen it The Lemley but they didn't have it And then where else are you taking it for dinner tonight? No, she made it sounds stupid But one of my favorite things she makes is Césidias So she made those

Your mom They're just American Césidias It's just tortillas and Shrided cheese and some chicken But cheddar cheese Not cheddar I think it's like The taco mix blend or something. It's good.

Why don't you just get the cheese in a package? It really just put a dagger in my own. That white single stuff? No, no, no, no. It's the shredded stuff in a bag. It's in the package. It's in the package. It's not the single slices made by craft with the cancer.

Next time you get that cheese, take it out of the wrap and look at it. I do get that. You could smell the cancer. You can smell the chemo. I get the reduced fat version of it too. Do you really? Yeah, because it's only 25 calories. Don't come crying to me when your assholes on fire, a cock's second.

Let's read the fucking sponsors, right? Let's do that. Can you do that? It's your job this time. Now you get me all fucking pissed off. I'll do it again at the end. A juke flies 2,000 miles. She likes it.

Yeah. What do you make with it? What about the potato pancakes? What happened? I have a bunch of those. Where are they? They're mine. They stay away from them.

Where are they? My freezer? What does she make them with? potatoes, onion, a little bit of garlic. You put apple sauce on it? And sour cream. Yeah, that's the real Jews. Speaking of the last to the real Jews, fucking on it.

Who's Jewish? The reports came back on Alphabrain. I didn't read them, but it'd be interesting. Not yet. I just know they came back. I know they're favorable. I know that the study was, that's been done before,

and these numbers were off. And everybody, you know, talks great things about Alphabrain. So there you fucking have it. On it. Like I say, listen, you go somewhere, let's say you go to a burger joint, the burger fucking sucks or the fries sucks. You don't need to go there no more.

Why are they a fucking burger joint? On it, you start with fucking alpha brain. Plain and simple, the GPC alpha brain, go for it. Give it a try because he's got 100% money back guarantee. We don't even want the fucking product back. You're probably sitting there and go, Joe, and you attack this the same way every fucking night

because this is the way I would fucking attack. What's their main product? Why would we go to product B if we haven't gone with a product fucking A and it's that good of a guarantee? From there, you go whatever. You go with the T formula. It raises your level of testosterone. You go with the MCT oil, the coconut oil. You can add it to your smoothies, add it to your salads. They have so many fucking different options for you on it. You want to go with the fucking, uh, the new mood. You want to go with the motherfucking shroom tech, the immune. You want some more energy. You go with the sports. You go with the spruce. They have so many different things to order you.

Go to Anit.com if you don't believe me because I can't break them down the right way. I'm a moron. This is 22nd fucking century type shit. This is what the astronauts and NASA are going to be taking in fucking three years. Go to Onet. Read through the pages. They also have kettlebells. They also have weighted vest.

They have the power ropes, the battle ropes. You can choke your fucking self. Do whatever the fuck you want. But if you're going to be fucking walking around and trying to be the best you can, Annet's going to help you. the supplements to take you to the next motherfucking level. How do I know? Because my memory is on fire

with this alpha brain. It fucking helps you that much when you write comedy that helps you that much. Go to onet.com right now. I can't get you any deals on the fucking kettlebells, but as far as the supplements, I'll get you 10% off plus whatever sale they got.

Plus you go on the mailing list. They take care of. Onet.com. What do they press? Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Get 10% sent off. If you want it sent to your house every month, bab boom. There you go. You're going to stay on it program. Bam! Lee, don't be fucking cracking

jokes, cock-sucker. I'm trying to drop knowledge on these motherfuckers. So go to an adot.com right now. Also, I've been getting a couple emails. Iron Dragon TV.com. Must I say any more? We all like smoking a few bongs, maybe doing a little fucking hash,

maybe eating a couple spare ribs, and going home and watching a kung fu movie. There's only one. channel it has them and after one month you're seeing the same movies over and over go to iron dragon tv.com Dave Foley knows what the fuck he's doing what are they pressing the box Joey and what do they get Lee two free rentals two free fucking rentals right off the bat like I told you I don't I don't show up here looking for doage I'm giving you a fucking deal I'm giving you a sample go in there see the movies

they got the hit the hitman series they went down there they got the Tai Chin movies they got the Tcha movies they got the the Chow Young fucking fat They got, you know, enter the fat dragon. These guys got Jackie Chan. The early shit, 1911. They got the thieves. They got the assassins. We ain't fucking around.

And every day the library goes. It's a Roku. Tell them, Lee. It's a Roku channel. They're going to have 30, like, they said, like, 30 new editions every month. And in our new year, they're going to start having 4K. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? You think I'd be telling you this shit if it wasn't a deal for you?

So what do they get if they go to Iron Dragon TV.com? They press them what? Joey. Joey. And what do they get? I get two free rentals. Two, not one, two. Just so you look around, see what the fuck's in there, right?

Please, go there right now, stop fucking around. They got other titles coming. These guys are going to be rock and rolling. You want to be right there with them right now. If not, I wouldn't have them on the fucking podcast. Dave Foley's a fucking savage. Here these things, I'm smoking a cigar right now. It's December 15th.

You're sitting there huffing and fucking puffing. How do I know? Because I've fucking been there. I've been there doing an eight ball, drinking vodka, smoking fucking camel. Next thing you know you're smoking your skinny fucking cigarettes. Next thing you know, you're huffing and puffing. Virginia's lungs?

Yeah. Next thing you know, you're like a foot fucking walk. You know, your lungs are bad. So what do you want to do? You say to yourself, it's time to quit smoking. I'm spitting my fucking lungs out. I'm spitting blood out. But you know, you can't do it alone.

You're going to have to take one of those drugs and they're suicidal, you know, and depression and blood comes out of your asshole. You have to take a class. Do yourself a favor. This is what you do. You start with a nice 24. a milligram cigarette from Hittie Sigs.

You say to yourself, on Monday, I won't smoke till after lunchtime. On Tuesday, I'll smoke till three. On Wednesday, I'll smoke till four. And in the morning, I'll start with Hittie Sigs. Within two, three weeks, you won't be fucking smoking no more. By that time, you'll be down level of 16 milligrams or 8 milligrams. And about a month or two, you won't be smoking at all.

So what, you stay on these for three months? Just to break it, just to break it. someday where you replace it with the reefer and this next thing you know you're not smoking at all. You got to thank Hitty Sigs for doing this shit. They're number one. These fucking Hitty Sigs they give you 1,200 puffs,

garrant fucking tea come in different flavors. They also have a cigar. You can't beat this shit. Go to HiddySigs.com and press in. Joey's Church. Oh shit! And what do you get? 20% off. Like a motherfucker. 20% off, not 10, 20. So if the thing costs 20,

you get it for $16 fucking dollars. Why, I got to talk to you about this shit. Everybody wants to get healthy. I got to sit here and saw you this shit. Take a fucking chance. Take a chance. Columbus did. Go to hidey-sigs.com right now.

Get off the cigarettes permanently. Nailed it life. You want to smoke your wax? You want to see the devil? Go to NaileditLife.com. Not that they got T-shirts. Have you been to Naileda Life lately? I have.

They're working on the fucking web page. They're putting some shit together. Go to Naileditlip.com. Again, these guys are my fucking goombas. As far as the vapor pen, I've heard it from a thousand people. It's the best in the fucking business. And what really makes my dick card about Nailed a life

is that when you call them with a problem, they're right there, okie-poki, they take your fucking prom and they handle it. Customer service is going to be number one priority in 2015 above. Everybody's got a good price. Everybody's giving me a good service, but they got to answer the phone. You ever call somebody got the computer. If you're happy to call, stay on the fucking line, and they play like some fucking Elton John movie

that fags are even. I don't listen to no more. Fuck that show. Who needs that aggravation? I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm stoned to the gills. Your eyes are really shut. My eyes are shut.

Yeah. You know why, Lee? Why? Because I'm stoned to the fucking gills. Just like you. Lee ate 30 milligrams. I ate more than 30. I ate about 2,000 milligrams,

and that's the way the day ends, motherfuckers. So you're here. You're probably going to hear this Tuesday, December 16th. I love you, motherfuckers. Also, today's my, tomorrow's my last day on that film. Oh, awesome. Tomorrow is my last day on the film. My call time is eight.

I'll probably be out of that by five or six or seven. I'm very happy I did this. Seven days. You know, sometimes I'm driving. I'm like, man, I could use a couple days on a set, you know, just to work that muscle. And then, you know, we're going to start doing a live podcast more in 2015. That's a complete different muscle.

And then you have to do this podcast. That's a different muscle. So it's always different muscles you're working. so I don't get bored. That's what works for me. Lee always looks at me and goes, I bring that camera with me everywhere, that fucking bloggy.

I can't do videos, no more guys. Why? Because we outgrew it. That's it. You want me to go to Camar and goof on fucking people and fucked up here? And beep, it people, and told him to move the fuck over. I hate all that shit. You do that all the time. I know. I do it for free, though.

I don't have to do it on a camera because I've got to be an asshole. I don't like to do it on the spot because I have to. I had to be driving mind of my own business and some jerk. cross in the street one of those homeless cars so I'm doing 90. I gotta stop. Fuck you, cocksucker. You just stop on your own time. God, I dare you. I dare you

to get in the fucking street. Thank you for watching the church tonight. You got 10 days to Christmas. I think the 16th Hanukkah starts for all the Jews. You know, I love you at all my heart. One of my best fucking gumbas in the world is the baddest motherfucking Jew out there. So what time you got to get up and take your mom

tomorrow? Think it like 5 a.m. You're going to sprinkle a little cookie and a sandwich. You want to take one of these fucking... No. God. You didn't even try to get a high, Lee. Never. You are such a half. She would eat it.

She gets drunk and half a margarita, no. So what, Lee? You would have taken a little bit of a brownie and put it on her sandwich. That would have killed her? No, it wouldn't, Lee. Oh, yes, it would have. She would have got high and said, Ma, what happened? Oh, my God.

Ma, you didn't eat that. No, Ma. Ma, you didn't eat that. That marijuana in it. Why? Because that's how I lose weight. You couldn't eat a story or whatever. You got to have fun with your mom, Lee.

that dose of tonight. No. Let's give her like a brownie. She's way asleep. How do you know? Because she was asleep when I left. Was she really? She just taking a nap.

I went to the gym at like six. Well, fucking let's go back there and tell her you got her brownie leaving on the thing. And let's see if she takes a little blind. No, no, no, no. She would never do it. And then fuck the flight at five. Who gives a fuck?

The stay the other day. You like her, right? Is that her? No, it's a reminder. What's the reminder? Stick your finger. Yeah. So she remembers her ice pack.

Huh? She gets headaches. So she brings an ice pack. Oh. My mom. I got to go. I love you guys. Thank you for listening.

We'll be back Thursday morning with a live podcast. And another U-stream one, maybe Thursday night for you, motherfuckers. Have a great show. I want to thank my sponsors again. Honored.com. Iron Dragon TV. com. Hidysig.com.

Naileditlife.com. I want to thank all you bad motherfuckers that listen from Lady J to Ooky Spooky, you sexy bitch. And we'll see you in Austin or whatever the schedule is for 2015. For right now, we'll see you Wednesday at the Long Beach Laugh Factory

on New Year's Eve at the Ice House. Stay black bitches. What's the music, Lee? That's Pat Benatar. We'll fucking play it. Well, no, I have to do the hours. Well, hurry up, cuck, suck, you got me all threatened here.

You got me to win. This show is brought to you by Onit.com. Use code word church to get 10% off of any of their great supplements like Alphibran and New Mood. Show is also sponsored by HitESigs.com. Use code word Joey's church to get 20% off. Better tasting, longer lasting, the proof is in the vape, e-cigarettes, and e-cigars. Go to Iron Dragon TV and use Code Word Joey to get two free rentals of martial arts movies on the Roku channel, Iron Dragon TV. And go to Nail DateLife.com and use code.

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