The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #240 - Bobby Lee, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 20, 2014

Bobby Lee, Comedian and actor, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. Recorded live on 12/19/2014.Music:Dengue Fever - Sni BongSo This Is Christmas - John Legend

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What? Really? All right. The show is also brought to you by MeUndies.com. Go to MeUndies.com. You wear underwear, Bobby Lee? Yeah. You still?

You do? We're going to get you some Miondi's. They're nice tight. They don't roll up on your nutsack. Your nutsack don't bounce out. Is it white, though? Do I? Is it white?

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and you're going to two free rentals. Just when you thought we're safe, motherfuckers. The church of what's happening now. 420. Look at your watch. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Here you go, baby.

This is Korea, singing direct the fucking Sony. Tell them, put another movie out. We'll fuck you in the ass. We'll get Clooney. He'll lick our nutsack. And that motherfucking Brad Pitt, he's a fucking fat get. Oh yeah. We'll fuck everybody up.

The Koreans are coming in. They're slinging dick, fuck your mother. Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. Koreans are rocking motherfuckers. Fuck you, motherfucker. You fuck with the Koreans. You fuck with the Koreans. You fuck with the Koreans.

Yeah. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? The flying Jew and my main man, the baddest motherfuckers. fucking Korean. Fuck Kim Jum June. We got my main man in this motherfucker. Bobby Lee,

direct from the comedy store last thing. Yo, man. What's up, baby? Thanks for having me on, man. Thank you for asking me last night. I got embarrassed. I had to beg you to get on your show. It's embarrassing.

I don't want to bother people, you know? You're always such a free spirit. I couldn't even picture you sitting here for a fucking hour. I'm a dreamweaver, did. But you're so different. This woman has settled you down a little bit. Oh, I didn't want to throw you off. Yeah, I'm dating a job.

Jungle Asian. You know that? No, is she born in the Filipino? I got in trouble once. I said that once. Yeah, you got to be careful. No, I said jungle Asian, and then I had to apologize to, like, the Vietnamese, like, media and stuff. But I don't even know why this is wrong, because she's Filipino and she lives in, she's from the jungle.

The jungle. It's like saying, there's two guys blacks. There's black jungle blacks, and there's jungle city blacks. Jungle blacks get eaten by tigers and city blacks get strangled by cops. Or shot. Oh, shot. Yeah, yeah. Or choked.

You're right. Different kinds. There's different kinds of people. Now, was she born in the Philippines? Yeah, she was. Sibu. There's some bad motherfuckers. I know.

I really like them. I know, me too. I love the Philippines. The 12-year-olds have moustaches, full-blown moustaches. Bak-bac-bac-gobah. Bar-a-coma-gawam. They're fucking tremendous. Tremendous.

I didn't even know you knew Filipino. That was amazing. You get, Nick Titoro's wife is Filipino, and that's who really introduced me to the culture. They're my wife's best friend. I ended up being the baby's godparents. They're Filipino. and I go over to the house all the time. I mean, he did time and everything.

He's in a fucking gang. Yeah. The dude you met, that dude's a bad motherfucker. Yeah, that's a gangland motherfucker. He just got out, and, you know, he's fooling it out. And he got a job at one of the supermarkets, but he's still tatted up, and he got a motorcycle. Yeah, you got to be careful.

All right. If you see eight Filipinos, one of them has a machete. Yeah. Definitely. You go to their parties. They're the best parties. These people that, oh, my God, Studio 54. Fuck you.

You go to a Filipino party. You get your dick sucked, you eat a raw bird, and they take you for $100 playing some fucking Chinese poker. They know how to fucking play. It's amazing. They gamble. It's fucking tremendous. And you get 19 of them.

Look at Paci out. Remember he had three apartments, filled with Filipinos. Filled! They like being together. When you go see one, 19 are closed by. I heard like the church he goes to and West Delhi is always packed. Packed. I went there.

Sacred Heart on Sunset Boulevard. I'd go there on Wednesday. Yeah. I did this movie. Oh, it was you, yeah. I did this movie with the old guy from Scarface, and he was really Catholic, and one day he comes to me,

he was like, hey, man, I need to ride to church on Wednesdays, because I can't drive. He had, like, those things in his eyes where you can't see. He's blind. Not a little bit. Cataracts, one of those.

So I would drive him to church. You don't do any research. What's that? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. This is on the cuff. You know what I'm saying? And he refused to go to the one.

This guy was an old. guy but he refused to go to the church in Santa Monica because there's too many fucking fags over there he would tell me so don't take me over there there's too many fucking fags and I go well the other one's filled with Asians I'd rather fucking hang out with the Asians that good fucking people so we'd go and we'd see all these Asians and then I always thought they were Chinese and I kept saying and I said why the fuck are all these Chinese people doing in a Catholic church at once time Bobby Lee to have a quick mask no priest no none they just put a

record player on and the record does the whole, it's tremendous. A cassette player, I don't know what it is. Oh my God, it's a half hour. They don't even give you the cookie, nothing, quick. You put five dollars in the basket, you're done. It's the fastest mask, but it's packed with Asians. On the way out on the asshole

pack, yeah, and then I put it together, why, yeah. You know, we never talk about Asians. All of some, we got an Asian on the phone on the show, and also we're enthusiasts of Bruce Lee. How are you, Bobby Lee? You like Asian women? Love them. The vaginas are dark purple. Inside?

Yeah, no, on the outside, too. Yeah, I need a little lighter. Every time we see an Asian girl, he's like, like scratch it and smells like soy sauce or something. Oh, my God, I love it. I love them, yeah. They have that kimchi little wing. It's maybe psychological for you.

I did the Korean girl. You're eating your guy, I think it looks like tastes like soy sauce, but it's only because they're Asian. Really? It's in your head, yeah. It's saltier. No, it's like me eating a girl's, like Mexican girls' vagina and going, it tastes like Karnasana, but it's probably just in my head, you know what I mean?

No, all right, let's move on. We're not doctors or anything like that. Maybe you're right. Maybe you're right. I dated the first Asian girl I ever dated, to be honest to you, here's a drop in a bucket. First girl I ever dated was the first girl I had in the first grade. My little girlfriend in the first grade, her father drew for Charles Schultz, Snoopy. Really? He's a Chinese, like, genius.

The guy wouldn't even speak English. I went to the houses. They gave me candies with the paper on them. They were really Chinese people, and that was my first. And then they would order food from around the corner. I would order food from that Chinese place. It was fucking tremendous. in Manhattan on 87th Street and

Broadway. And then I dated a Korean girl in Colorado. Oh, you did? Tremendous. She's great, huh? She's great. She was great girl. Tremendous. She went back to Korea to teach American to the fucking long jeans. Is she still over there?

No, she's in my hometown. She ended up marrying a Cuban dude. I'll never date a Korean again. Really? I dated a Power Ranger. Do you know that? I dated the yellow one. She's Korean? First of all, yeah, don't put the Asian one in the yellow

Power Rangers suit. That's racist. Because she's already yellow. You know? Didn't they put the black dude in the black one? Yeah, yeah. That's how they do it. But dude, one night, dude, her name was Patty Lee. There was two Power Rangers. There's one that went into space. She was in the space one, right? And one night

literally, she had long hair. At three in the morning, I was living silver. Like, three in the morning, I woke up and she was standing over me with her hair over her face, staring at me, like the grudge. Like the movie, The Grudge. Like a Japanese ghost. And I said, get the fuck out. I cannot do this.

I didn't sleep for two weeks after that. Do you have little cuby tities? Are you Korean? Yeah. So, yeah, we've talked about a lot. I'm Jewish. I don't date Jewish girls. I don't like Cuban girls as a friend,

but I'm like dating them because, you know. Yeah. Now, you were born in Korea, Bobby? No, man. San Diego, bro. San Diego. And you have the only brother is the one I met. Yeah, he's killing it right now, dude.

What's he doing? Bro, I brought him on a podcast. You know who David Chow is? Yes. Right, the artist? You know David, right? Yes, yes. So David, I had my brother on the podcast, David's podcast, and David fell in love with him.

So he signed him to a record deal. I'm not fucking lying, bro. First of all, my brother had been late in 10 years because, you know, my brother, he has a skateboard, no job, right? So he flew my brother to Macau to fuck 30 hookers, right? I got all the photos and videos. It's disturbing. David Cho is just crazy. Yeah, he's crazy.

He's just fucking old. Then he flew my brother to Mexico to fuck hookers, right? And then Vegas, right? And then now they're in a record deal. My brother's in Hawaii right now with them, recording another album. It's crazy. I didn't know your brother sang, right?

Either did I, dude. But he's doing it. I saw his show in downtown LA. He was amazing, dude. He killed it. I'm like, I can get maybe laid from this. You know? I mean, I was so proud of him.

This is a dude. Dude, I had fixed his eyes. He had bumps on his body, like warts. I had to get them removed. I spent probably a million dollars in my lifetime taking care of my brother. And now he's now on his feet. It's great. How old is he?

40. Yeah, we're old, bro. I've known you for 20 years, dude. Seriously? No, no. 97? Yeah. You were doing comedy in 97?

Yes. When did you start? 95. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you stayed in San Diego. No, no, no, two years in. So I met you in 97 because of the fact that when did you move to L.A.?

Ninety-7? Yeah, that's when I met you. I met you in San Diego, I think. Well, then I met you even more longer than it. Yeah. No, 97, it was 97, but I think I met you in La Hoya. Maybe, maybe, yeah. You were like one of the hot shots in La Hoya.

Yeah, you came probably down with Rogan or maybe. No, no, I came down there. She used to have crazy shows then. And on Wednesdays, I used to always do Latino nights. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me, Noe Gonzalez, sure. The thicker Mexican guy. She only had five regulars.

No, Carlos. Yeah. And Freddie. So it was me. Maryland Martinez. Freddie, Maryland. Yeah, yeah. So it was nine out of ten times.

It was me, Maryland, and Noe. God. It's unbelievable. And then I... And then you... I went to Latino Laugh Festival, probably in San Antonio. Right, but you were one of the big shots down there.

No, man, that was the only gook out in there. But you were one of the ones that people were talking about. Oh, I don't know if they were saying that, but it's over my girl. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Yeah, it doesn't matter. And you were tight with Shama and, you know, you guys were making it happen. And then we met, and then you were regular at the comedy store. I got addicted to drugs.

Now, when did you get into drugs? When I got on Matt TV. No. Yeah. I was sober for 12 years, right? Okay, we had this talk. You had gone to a rehab for heroin when you were 16. 17, yeah.

17. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you stayed sober for a long time. Then I got on Matt TV, and the first day I was there, they just said, one of the producers said, I'm not going to name names because we're friends or whatever, but he said that. I don't think that you're that funny and that we're not going to use you a lot.

You know, that's what he said to me, dude. First day? Like maybe the first week or something. And so after he said that, I was just like, nah, I can't. I started doing drugs again. I couldn't handle it emotionally. When did you start doing heroin? Well, I was 15 back then, but then I didn't relapse on heroin.

I took Vicodin and stuff. Remember I was a pillhead. And I used to smuggle it. I was just smuggle it across the state. And then I used to go down to T1, because they don't sell bike it in Mexico because they don't make it there. But I used to bring somas and volume

and all that shit. And we used to just fucking, I used to have a pillbox. I used to come to the common and start give it away like candy, remember? I remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know if you were a car.

I was the Coke guy. I know. You never gave me. You didn't like it. I know. You know what I'm going to offer, you know? I like the offer. If you offer, then I would be like,

no, I don't think you. It's really weird that we're sent across with each other. We both have the drug problems, and now our lives are in focus. You don't do no more coke? No, I just smoke for seven years, no cocaine. Wow, that's great. No rehab, no hugs, no nothing, just.

Yeah, I had to do full turkey, man. Just nothing. Because if I smoke pot, then it's like, then it'll spiral down. I think if I don't smoke pot that eventually my temper would flare or something, and I'd be down to the doctor's office getting value, was something for a mood, something. Eventually they have to give me something to balance me out.

It's the people that are walking around that are crazy, that don't know they're crazy. They're the fucked up ones. If you're crazy, but you keep it in check and you yourself know you're crazy and you avoid the things to make you crazy, you're okay. You're halfway there. You know, I realize at late 24

that something wasn't right. And then when I went to prison and I got out. Do you hit somebody over the head with a pipe or something? No, I kidnapped somebody. Oh, that's right. In fact, he called me yesterday. We've been playing phone time.

I gave him a hot UA when I was in a halfway house. And they put you in jail for those in Boulder. I had a good attorney, and he fought for me to go to a rehab. And I ended up going to an outpatient. Like, everything was booked up, thank God. because they were like six. So that means you live at home. In patients where you live there?

I live in the halfway house. So basically I was going on my job and then going to the going to the halfway house from six to nine was the outpatient for six weeks. Monday through Friday, six to nine. They'd piss you Monday

and they'd piss you Friday or something. I forget what the fuck it was. Along with the piss test, I was taking it at the other time. And that was the first time in my life at the age of 27 that had ever been sat down and done those things where you talked to people?

Were you in comedy then? Not even. The only comedy in my life was when I put a gun out and said, give me your money. And the gun was, bam. That's the only comedy in my life in those days. It was like you ever kind of comedy. I was just a kid.

You know, you're 20 fucking seven, bro. You know, these people in America, tell you, these people who listen to the podcast. As long as you turn your life from, I don't listen. After a while, you've got two choices. You turn it around or you die. Is it that tough to turn your life around?

Yes and no, depending on how you look at it. It all starts with a job and going to bed and washing your pussy and getting up in the morning and drinking coffee. It's a process, and some people can't handle it, and some people can't fucking handle it, you know? I still can't fucking handle it. But I go through it every day. So that's the only reason why.

That's the excuse I give myself for smoking weed. Do you do? It keeps me. I'm not shoplifting. I'm not hitting people on the head, and I'm not breaking up to the house. I haven't robbed the lighter. They've been putting them out for me lately.

They've been trying to bait me. The one on Curseon's been fucking with me. Every time I go to that one, by the comedy store, they've been leaving them out. That's the one I killed. I broke my own record in there like eight times. I would take people in there and show them. You took me.

Do I take a lighter in front of you? You took me? Look, I'm going to put my hand in my pocket tickets. They make them think I'm grabbing money, but I'm really grabbing a lighter. I'm putting in my pocket. like you had a whole system. Oh my God, it's crazy.

But comedy saved me, though. Did it save you? Yes. Because remember, when I was 17, I'd been the three rehabbed, right? I was the only Asian guy that got all Fs. Like, I was just retort. My parents thought I had Down syndrome. They really did.

They took me to, like, a doctor and everything. They go, and he doesn't have Down syndrome. How come he could all if? He's just stupid, you know? But it's like, without comedy, I would be fucking, I don't know what I'd be doing. I'd have no skill set, you know? So sobriety and also comedy saved my life.

If anyone out there is like, well, thinking about doing it, just do it. Because it will literally, it'll turn your life around. It'll change, if you're good, it'll change everything in your life. Well, how long ago was Mad TV? Because I remember you on TV. I know I don't have my hair, but I'm only 26. So, like, I remember you, like middle school, definitely high school you were on. How many years were you on all together?

I was on it for eight years. Wow. So I was around and you booked it. Yeah. And then you went off the deep end. Yeah. And they liked you so much. They told you.

They had an intervention. They made you go back at 8 o'clock at night. And I'll be telling me all these stories somewhere. Well, I mean, I, Ari Shafir has a Comedy Central. You did it too, with The Comedy Central show, the one that's going to be on television, right? And I talked about how they gave me an intervention. And then I was on Viking, and I was taking 30 Vicodon's a day. And then I shit my pants and a Connie Chung sketch live.

Where shit came out of my stockings, you know what I mean? And they said, cut and I got fired and then I got sober and then I came back on the show for six years. How many Vicodin, like when you have an injury are you supposed to take a day? Four? Two to four, yeah. Four, five years. I was taking three, I was in Brett Far, like, yeah.

Dirty fucking Vikings a day. And how many did you do that one weekend in Houston? You did a lot of something. I did 30 volumes. Oh, my God. In three days, Bobby Lee. Yeah, that'll put down a T-Rex, man. That put me down.

I was talking sideways. so Friday I wouldn't even call the house I was calling one guy How you're going to Bobby Lee? Who's this? It's Joey Diaz! Speaking to the phone!

It's Joe Deans! Speaking to the phone! It was fucking horrible. I didn't even go home. I got out on a Sunday. I woke up in Beaumont, Texas, and I made Pete the owner of the lap stop take me to Intercontinental,

and I got room service and all that Houston food, and I swear to God. By Wednesday, Thursday, I went to my buddy's house, who was an attorney, I stayed with him, and I still couldn't talk. Why'd you take that many? Because I had him. Oh, you had them.

Do you follow me? I got to Beaumont on the Thursday, and I asked. Because normal people would might be give him all, but no, you'd have to take that. It was fucking, Bobby, you've been there. I know. We've been there. I know.

I went down that I get blow in Beaumont. I was doing the weekend at Beaumont, and I went to get powder, and there was no powder, but I go, what does the guy have? And he goes, he's got Valium. You know what? I don't know.

I like Valium, but give me 30 of them. You know? Because I knew in those days, I knew a couple of comics who liked them. Again, you buy them for your comic friends, you know. Even if I took five, I'd still give away 20, and I'd keep five at the house for those nights when I got dead dick. And I want to get my dick or whatever, you know. And I went down there and I had them, I'd never forget this. I had it a brown bag.

Like a brown bodega bag, you know, like a beer can bag. and I had them in there and I just keep going in there and eating them. But the Friday was sickening because I had no weed. So I had no weed either. So I was eating the Valiums.

So I started like at 7 in the morning. Valiums only burn halfway. The rest go into your fat. I was 400 fucking pounds. They were all over my... And I kept popping them. You know? You to perform that way?

I went. I got on the floor the first night and did my comedy on Mitch Headberg on the floor. You did it lying down? Yeah, that's Josh Wolfe. It was people knew. Then Saturday, I kept eating them, eating them, and then the Coke came. Then I mixed it with Yeagermeister, and I just went.

And then it was a little hot freak. That was at Beaumont. We started talking, and she was going to drive her boyfriend home and come back to the hotel. So we were going back and forth. Then she showed up, and she put a bikini on the room. And we started eating fucking volumes and doing powder. Then I ran out of blow. at like 7 in the morning.

I called my friend's younger brother. He came and got me and took me to like the worst part of Beaumont where there's no Latinos, no Mexicans, no Chinese. It's just white people that hate everybody. And they took me deep into a cabin and we bought an eight ball. It was the best blow I ever did. It was mixed with hatred. You could tell it was cocaine cut with hatred.

I was fucked. Bobby Ladd went back. She was naked playing with a pussy when I walked in the whole time. I never seen nothing like that. Wow. She was just playing with a pussy. It was like, I'm fired. It was juicing everywhere.

And I took my dick out and tried to get it hard. I had my way. It was fucking like the, I never even told the story. Like, it was just the creepiest drug story, like at the end. This is 2005, after the longest yard came out. I was just going for it. Like, I was fucking gone. I walked in the whole time, and I closed the door.

And it was one of those things that you have to walk around. And it was two beds in them. And she's balls ass naked. just fucking with five hands in there fucking rubbing a clit and I go over and my dick is this big and I'm fucking trying to whack off in her mouth and it's not getting hard and she's sucking it

and she's sucking and she keeps going I have a boyfriend and she'd suck it for like another two minutes and then I love my boy this is the fucking, this is like the creepiest morning ever and I'm hearing people at the hotel they're in town for some Christian thing and I'm hearing them get ready for church and this is all going through your head, man.

And finally, I ate more pills. And finally, like, I tend. She goes, I got to go. My boyfriend's picking me up in a half hour. We're going to his parents. I was like, you just suck my dick, my dead dick. Three hours. You're going to sit there across from your mother-in-law?

Are you fucking crazy? And I remember going for the bag, and they were gone. And going. Oh, no. And going. Maybe she robbed me. No, no. That's what I was thinking, too.

No. No, because she had two. She wasn't even a Valium chick. She was a Coke chick. I didn't check into her rehab. I just checked it for a week and a half, and I came back to L.A. And kept an eye on the monkey.

Gotta keep an eye on the monkey. When you're at that point, you got to keep an eye on the monkey because you might OD. You're fresh to OD. You know what I'm saying? As long as you know this is going in, though. Because this is, you know,

I was doing a ton of Coke then. Yeah. At night only, Bobby Lee. That wasn't a coke guy in the daytime. It would destroy me. You have coffee in the morning. In the morning. Here's the beauty of it.

You said some words that were brilliant. You said comedy saved me. Comedy definitely saved me because it gave me a purpose. Yeah. It gave me the... Whenever I did anything else, there was no purpose. I fucking hate it. Anything else I did, leave.

Whether it was cooking or mixing concrete or painting, even in a warehouse when I was getting union wages, I would do the math in my head. So I'm getting 17 an hour, eight hours a day. I'm making $150. I need, you know what I'm saying? You just start going, you know,

I'm going to try to make money and what I want to do. And yes, it did fucking save me. And it saved you too. Like I have 28 first cousins. They all went to I have league schools. Right? So in high school, I was going to Palomar College,

which is a junior college, like, you know, community college. And like, I literally thought, oh yeah I'm gonna I'm not I'm never never gonna make any money I couldn't get any pussy because I looked like a scallop and like I just you know I girls didn't like me and had no money confidence nothing and when as soon as I started doing stand-up I started getting girls and stuff it was crazy and then I just kept going so it just definitely saved me I thought I was gonna die alone with no money and poverty when you were getting on stage all those years what were you going for were you

going for a mad TV type show you're going for a sitcom I don't know what I have no goal, but let me tell you this, though. I'm telling you this right now, dude, I'm fucking. People say, I'm a nice guy, Bobby's nice. I'm not nice when it comes to comedy. Even from the fucking beginning, you fuck with my stage time. Like, if I hear somebody badmouthed me with a promoter or somebody that was booking a room,

I would do everything I can to fuck that person. Like, in terms of stand-up, you know what I mean? I have no sympathy, and I'm fucking cutthroat, dude, and I'm an opportunistic person. And so that's all I, I didn't have any gold, but I just knew there's something I wanted to do. do and if you fucked with it, I was just a fucking maniac. My personal life, I'm cool.

I'm honest. I'm, you know, I'm loving. I'll loan you money. Whatever you need. But when it comes to comedy, dude, I will fuck you. First of all, this is the major leagues. What do you mean? If you're going to do comedy and you start in Michigan or Boston or New Jersey or Colorado,

those are the minor leagues. Everything your effort in doing is to get here. Yeah. Or to New York. You know, you're striving to go to New York. I'm getting good enough. I'm getting 32 minutes. You know, I'm getting 38 minutes.

So when I go to New York, I get killed. You know, that's what you're putting together. You're putting money away every week in the bank. You're getting no different people. When you get here, this is the Major League. And I could look at somebody now, no matter how much heat he has. And I could tell you whether he's going to make it or not. Just by looking, just how, because we've seen them come and go.

Legends, Montreal. People we looked at and said, oh my God, what did that? There was a girl in 99 went to Montreal. I'm not going to say her name. I know her name. But she had been doing comedy for six months. She went to Montreal. She got a half a million dollar deal from Warner Brothers.

And I was a dormant at the comedy store in Hollywood. I was making a dollar a day. Like it was fucking sad. And I used to get angry like, fuck, this girl's not that good. You know what I mean? I haven't seen her since. You know, because she's not as... I'm a roach. You have to be cockroach. I'm willing

to suffer and sit in the pain, you know? I'm just like, you know, but you have to be strong. I'm a pussy. Like, if you fought me, dude, I would, I have, like, brittle bones. You know what I mean? I have no muscle in my body. I'm just pure fat. But, dude,

in the inside, I'm a fucking roach. Well, you were talking about when you came in, you said it's hard sometimes being an actor and waiting for a decision. It must be hard also waiting when you're first starting out, waiting for headlining gigs. or other gigs. So it's like, it's not exactly a fun,

that's not a fun part of their job. Even when I used to work in TV, every three months I'd be looking for a job just because that's how TV is. And my friends thought I was crazy out here. They're like, we have a job and I hope to work here for 20 years. I'm like, just not how it works out here.

So it's like that not everyone could deal with, like, going to an audition and just never hearing back. One thing that I haven't come with Bobby, that why Bobby's feelings are hurt. I didn't ask them to come on the podcast. I was kidding, by the way. No, I know. I'm a place. I know. But one of the things that I don't have much,

I don't have much when it comes to comedy. But I'm going to tell you something. I'm a comedy store comic. That's big. With the Marines. We're the ones that jump off parachutes and shit to bring you fucking real comedy. And we're the last of the Mitzie short products.

Yeah. We're the last. I don't have a lot to say. You don't see me on a TV show every week. You don't see me driving over a Maserati, but I will tell you what. I'm one of the last generation that she said, and I've seen her throw some savages out of that.

Yeah. And she fucking handpicked me from the fucking jump. You know, three minutes to seven minutes to ten minutes. Can you do ten minutes from me next week? Okay, see you? And I didn't kiss her ass. I didn't sit next to her. I took that motherfucker and ran like a savage.

With a last of that generation. These kids that are coming up. the comedy store. It's the comedy still. It's not the Mithy Shore generation. They're brutal. The comedy store has changed a lot. The exterior has changed a lot. The patois of it, which I love. I love the evolution

of something. Because we started when in the 90s, right, when comedy was at the lowest point because the big television boom happened in the late 80s in the early 90s. And in the late 90s, it was dying. It was like one of the lowest forms of show business.

So it's like the Clubs, you had way more comics than there should have been. And little stage time, which creates a really, like, an aggressive and hostile environment. So it's like, when you're at the comedy store, you have no money, and there's a thousand people signing up for Open Mic. And you have to be able to, like, you know, weave your way through that. You know, and we're, and Joe and I were a part of that generation of guys that, like, now it's like, there's internet. like you can be famous just by doing a video in your bedroom, you know? But back then, that was the route.

Mitzie Shorten gave a fuck. She would throw you to the fucking lion. Yeah, she would. And that's why I'm lying proof. What would you do? Like, because it made you laugh. Put you up for a year at 1245 following Domera. Or even something worse, somebody that's like not even good.

You know, like they'll put you off, I'm not going to name names. but like people in the world like the worst comedic you've ever seen and you'd have to go up after the in front of five people at 1.30 of the morning in front of the worst comics you've ever seen. You did that for years. Did you hate her during it?

Because I had a bad boss my first movie out here who I hated during it but now I see that she helped me but bet you didn't hate her? I knew that there's a thousand comedians. One night there was a dude when I first got out there. I was out there maybe three months

and it was 1245. I was scratching for a bump of coke, but I couldn't do it until I got off stage. And there was a kid complaining. And somebody, I think it was Paul Mooney, said, you don't want your spot? Put a list out there and sign up for a seat. How many people sign up for your 2 o'clock in the morning spot?

You should be grateful. And I sat there and said, he's right. I didn't just learn from Mitzie Shaw. I learned from Paul Mooney. Yeah. I learned from a lot of guys that I saw them, go up there and what was going on with their lives. Dice was still coming up

a lot, yeah, a lot. How long did it take you, but, because I knew that's right, we were bad boys of comedy. Yeah, yeah. Me, you and Jim Norton? Yeah, me, Dice, Jim Norton, we went to Vegas. We went to Vegas with Dr. Happy. Yeah, that was a long time ago. That was Riviera? Yeah, no, it was yeah. No. Bally's.

Ballets. It was valleys. They had a dish of fucking co-cuts in a month. Yeah. You and I thought it was just made it. The comedy's it was so brutal that like the audiences who were gang members or you know like just vampires you know what I mean

and they weren't regular human beings right well how many times did you go to get past? I got past the first time she saw her really? Yeah I was lucky when I asked if you hated her like already talked about doing it like 20 times or something crazy like that he must have hated her at some point yeah but Harry Mandela showcase 48 times

wow yeah so um but the thing is is that when I did Leno for the first time in 2000 they asked me are you scared I go I'm from the comedy store This is easy These are regular people I perform in front of Twilight vampires

They'll bite your dick after the show She'd come up to you and say shit Like you'd walk in You wouldn't know what was really going on You'd walk in the room on a Sunday And you'd walk up the stairs To checking at the booth And as you're making that turn

That's Mitzi motherfucker short And she's drinking her little drinks She ain't going nowhere She's got a menu in her hands She's got glasses on and you're up in 15 minutes. She also looks like a warlock. Yeah.

Like she's from Lord of the Rings. Like she has a cape, scars run her head. You don't know what it's like the bomb in front of Mitzie Shire. Oh my God. Oh. Oh.

You fucking go home. Do you remember her time? Fuck yes. I remember a time. Fuck yes. You also can hear her talk. So it's like when you're bombing, you can hear this.

Light him. When they say, when she says that, your heart just disintegrates. She never let me like that. She never let me like that. She never let him. I didn't see her throw out two or three comments.

Give him the lie. One night she went off. Bill Hicks my ass. He's terrible. Give him the fucking light. Give him the fucking light. She just went off. She never did that to me.

She always let me go, I have an idea for you. I want you to grow your beard and put a handcuff on and tell him you're Fidel's nephew. I think we'd make a riot. We could sell that to TV. And you go, okay, Mitch. You know what she did to George Lopez, right? George Lopez auditioned for her. right and minute in

she goes line him and George Lobit just snapped hey bitch you know I mean I've been on this this this you know like saying his credits she did that to Luis CK too one minute in this is after his HBO specials

lying up we turned to Mitsin go he's like the best comic in the country what are you doing that's why when she she had to she had to go I love her

but like when you're saying light it to Lucy Louis C.K. You're on a touch a little bit. She didn't like Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah, she didn't like Jerry Seinfeld. She didn't like a lot of people. She doesn't like straight-laced white dudes. No, I mean? Like regular old white dudes. You need to have like, you have to be an albino midget or nine-foot Samoan.

Like she likes like, you know what I mean? Like a little catch, you know what I mean? Red-haired of black eyes. If I'm lying to you from day one, I mean, from my first, nine months in comedy, people come up to me and go, is Mitchie Shaw's senior yet? Yeah. People would always ask me, is Mitchie Schozenier yet? And so I always knew that my home was the comedy school. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was just very fortunate to be, get put on there. So now, forget the fucking county street. You go to rehab, you come back on mad TV, and you just knock it out of the park after that. What was the difference? Oh, man. What was the difference? Dude, this is what happened, dude. instead of letting them dictate how I feel about myself.

So it's like, you know, on Mondays, you know, people pitch and they write and then Tuesdays is a table read. And I wouldn't be anything. So Monday is what I would do was I was just, when I got sober, I would just stay there all night and either write or I would pitch and I would wait. I would just work really hard. And then by year three, you could tell that I was going to stay on it as long as I wanted to, which was like, as soon as that happened, I was fine. but like everything in this business you have to go in and you have to fucking fight it out

you know and I'm a pussy dude and this and that you know what I mean I am but in terms of like there are some things that I've done that I've been really proud of myself about and that was one of them

just be able to stick it out without snapping or like killing myself really you know but it's like even that I stayed on it for six years and they got canceled and I've been on the road

ever since it's does disill two years ago bro I was on five Dude, I was on, I was in The Dictator, I was in Harold Ocumour 3, and then I got on a sitcom, the NBC show Animal Practice. And as soon as Animal Products got canceled, two years, nothing. Animal Practice? Yeah, that was at, and that monkey show that was on.

Yeah, yeah, the monkey show was on. I was on a monkey show and the monkey, dude, the monkey. He's at about 400 milligrams of THC, so. Dude, you can't choose who you work with. When you show up and they go, there's a monkey on it, you got, you got to, go, you can't go, I don't want to do it. And there was like, dude, there was one scene where like

literally like, it's close up on my face in the back of the monkey's face and I did a take that was perfect and they go, the monkey moved its head. I go, fuck monkey. You stupid fucking monkey. Like it was impossible to work with. One time I turned around, it was literally

going, it was touching its little vagina. Did it smell? I don't know if I, I don't know if I don't know it. Not the vagina. The fucking monkeys think Like when the monkey came in the room Yeah, yeah, yeah It's not like a horse came in

It's also like a hot chick, right? So as soon as like a monkey walks in It's like all the attention goes toward the monkey So you're like, fuck me I've got to get off this fucking thing This is not going to work for me You did a movie with a dog Is it harder with a dog?

It's fucking Just unpredictable But now these guys I do these movies With avidua science because it's six movies we've done. So now they know exactly how to cut. And the first two I did with a fucking dog,

I love the dog. Lana, she's great. She's a great dog. She's still around. Gary Valentine has her little puppy sister. The problem is that they can't be on the set for long hours. You have to pay for an animal person to come out. And don't have to take a break every 45 minutes to get oxygen

in front of his eyeballs to adjust. It's fucking crazy. We had a full-blown animal clinic. Like, aside, like, we had to have stables and veterinarians because Peter was going to fuck us. So we just, they get really, there's a lot of rules, man, when it comes to animals, you know. You got to have a body double for the monkey.

You got to have, yeah. Just get Noah Gonzalez, you know what I'm not? Yeah, no, you have that, like, let's say, you have like a standing dog? There's a standing dog, and then, but let's say you want to hit that dog with a car. What do you think? do you got to get like a fucking

dog to lay down they shoot it before the car hits it and then they pull it back now they get the fucking dummy dog and they put it underneath he's a dead dog it's like a stuffed dog okay you mean like a stuffed animal you know yeah they show and they go to like the shelter

and pick up like a stray but sometimes if you watch a movie they just use a shitty dead animal like a stuffed animal a kid could tell that's a fake you know so it's it's tough to shoot with an animal's very tough to shoot with kids. Yeah.

I heard kids are tough, too, because they've got to go to school. Every fucking set I've been on that side, kids, their school teachers, they're all fucked up. They're all fucked up. Whatever you're. And they're always men, and they're all fucked up.

Like, the one guy I met has his eyes are two spread apart. He was a wife. He was a wife, too. You were talking about it. that was way too long. Yeah. No. He had Googly eyes.

He had like fucked up eyes. Fish eyes. I call him fish eyes. Like that comic Mark Ellis, he's got googly eyes. Right. But the one we saw last week for the dog movie

was the worst. He was like an old guy with like a hat. Every time he'd sit down at crap service, people would just get up and walk away. He was that fucking group.

I don't know who eyes these sag teachers. I hate one of extras talk to me. Really? Well, I'll tell you why. Why? Because it's like, it's always a dude, the last thing I did, right, with those extras, and they were all like open micros. I started in the 90s, but now they're all professional extras.

So then I'm talking, you're talking to like the producers or whatever, and then they come sit next to you like because we're friends, because we started together. It's like, no, man, not in this environment. In this environment, you're like a plant or a lamp fixture. So go do that. You know what I mean? While I do this. No, dude, in a comedy club, yeah, fine. You're going to go up on stage and that.

But, dude, in a thing, I'm talking to a producer, because they want to get, they want to get hired, right? So they hover around you, like, there were friends, you know, and then they, you know, and they try to be funny in front of, like, the director, so then they get a line. It's fucking sad, bro. So I have to, like, what, you're looking at me like I'm a fucking asshole? No, because it just happened to me last week. Tell me what happened. It's, because of the comedy store from the beginning, I always had a little dignity. If I wouldn't have had the comedy store from the beginning,

I think I would have been one of those guys. But because I always knew that no matter what happens on this stupid set, I always had the comedy store 1145, even if Paramount calls Mitzi and says, Joe Diaz, cursed out of director, Mitty tell him, good, go fuck yourself and hang up the phone. That's my boy, you know. She loved all that shit.

That's what she thrived on. So when I went, when I go on those sets, I always used to see comics. Like the first three or four jobs I went on, I used to see comics and how they acted. And I go, I'm not going to act like these guys. Like, they'd be making jokes all day. They always had to, you know, always had to say something.

Or if an extra, you know how to sing? They would just sing spontaneously. Oh, it's fucking hard. It's so sad. It's really sad. So I knew how to act. I always knew just to keep your fucking mouth shut. If you're doing a scene and you already got them,

Ask the dude, listen, I want to try something. Yeah. And nine on a ten, they'll keep your shit. You know, but I never act creepy. I never did that. Last week, I got on, my last day on the set, I pull up, and we got the podcast. You know, people say hello. I talk to them.

What do you want me to do? You know, they listen to the podcast, whatever. I don't fucking know. A thousand people say fucking hello. You don't know from what venue they could be saying hello, you know? and this guy is talking to me but he talks to me in Spanish guys I'm fucking deaf

I'm fucking deaf it's 7 in the morning and you want to talk to me in fucking Spanish from a far distance like from 10 feet away I don't know what the fucking guy is saying I'm just smiling you know me I just smile and shake my head

like I know what the fuck you're talking about just to be like and I kept pouring oatmeal on my dish and I poured the fucking cancer sugar on it and then he gets over and he talks to me and he goes where are you from I tell him New Jersey, he goes, no, you're Spanish? Yeah, I'm Cuban. He tells him he's Puerto Rican.

I'm okay, nice to meet you. You know, and I didn't know. I thought he was the fucking guy that was helping with the food. Yeah. Right? So I don't know nothing. I don't ask questions, but I don't give a fuck. Yeah.

Yeah, I go to my trail. I got everything in my trailer. That trail I worked in last week was the size. I've been in bigger jail cells. Okay? I've been in bigger fucking jail cells, okay? Not even a mirror, a cot. A couch, you couldn't even sit on a chair and a thing

and a little bathroom. I didn't even fit it. It was like a... I had to go to the bathroom sideways. Like an airplane. Right? This is how small it was, all right? I got everything in there.

I got my iPod. I got a notebook. A couple pens. I got my glasses. I brought a Dr. J. book. All right? I got Riefer. I got rolling papers.

I got a couple lighters. I got an edible. I got water. I got everything in there. I'll go in that fucking trailer for four hours. You know me, though. We don't need nut. I don't need the toilet.

I need to talk to nobody. So I say goodbye. I don't know. I thought he fucking worked in the fucking kitchen. Okay? That's what I thought. He was a Spanish dude. He was watching the breakfast.

Okay? Next thing you know, they call for a body double for Dean Kane. And guess who it is? The cook. The Puerto Rican kid, right? And I'm like, hey, how are you doing? Hey, yeah.

Yeah. So we do the scene. Bye, blah, blah. Dean Cain pulls over and boom, boom. And he comes right over him. He's like, what are you doing this? And I go, I'm one of the guys, I'm one of the thieves. And he goes, they've done like six of them.

Have you done all of them? Yeah. And he goes, they all been big roles. And I'm like, whatever, you know. Yeah, you know, who's the producer? You know me? I don't know nothing. I don't know.

Somewhere in that. Go ask around. Who's the director? I don't know. You know what I mean? I just show up and tell me stand. I do what I do. You know the director?

I know who he is, but he don't need to know. What's with the question? It's 7.45. In the morning, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't need the fucking questions. I mean, it's just fucking terrible. And then I do the scene with him. The scene's over.

We move on to the next scene. Now he's out of costume lurking with a bag, and I can see they get his head shots in there and shit, right? I'm watching all this. This is what I do. I'm a professional. Just in case you have a half a mill in there. From the old days, I don't know. I just picked up a bad habit. So now he was sitting there in between scenes. They just blocked.

And we're sitting there waiting for them to put the cameras in the room. And he walks over to the circle. To the fucking directors and the producers. I didn't know where they were going to sit. It was a chair. It was cold out. I had a hood of sweatshirtier on. I sat in the little. last fucking chair and put my hood and sweatshirt on

and they started sitting next to me talking about the next scene so fucking Pablo here jumps in the circle. That's what I'm saying. Oh, that's it. That's what I'm saying. But here's where it gets ugly guys. You ready for what he does? No. He starts talking to me in Spanish

in front of five white people. Which is just very rude. Yeah. And he keeps doing it. And I'm like, hey man, yeah. I'm talking to him in English trying to change the conversation. He's asking me in Spanish, who's the guy he had to talk to to get put on this movie? And I'm sitting at, you're fucked up.

You have no fucking... You fucked up. Me? Yeah. Why me? You should have talked to me in the first place. Guy, come on. No, no, no.

You got to say hello to everybody. No, you go on. What are you going to do? He's talking. Some little Chinese guy comes up here on a movie set. I go, who are you? He's by the fucking food, all right? I'll tell you how it goes.

Okay, bro. Hey, how are you doing, Bobby? I'm Ching-jin. Oh, hey, Jing-Chang, what do you do? Extra, I walk away. I couldn't hear this fucking guy. He was telling me. Hey, Ching, don't talk to me ever again.

That's why I didn't fucking. No, Lee. No, no, no, no. You got to be nice to people. You got to say hello. Not in that situation, you fuck. No, I'm on a movie set. You got to be nice to everybody.

How about this? Hi, I'm Ching-ching. What do you do? I'm director. Hi, Ching-ching. Ching's the director. I want to say hello. What you did?

We're fucked up. I didn't fuck out, Bobby Lee. Well, then tell me what happens then. So now. Now you're in a situation where this guy could fucking sabotage your shit. No, you know me better than that, dog. Tell me what happens. I'll throw him over the fucking...

Before he does something like that. So he keeps asking him. And I excuse myself, and I take him over, and I go, first door. Look at those people. You see anybody there in Spanish? No, what the fuck you're talking Spanish for it? You're saying this out loud in front of the people. No, no, no.

You know me? I'm a professional. Oh, you do it's the last I went. And I go, number two. Yeah. He goes, you know what his answer was? When Miami, everybody talks Spanish This ain't fucking Miami

These are white people Don't take a fucking five-bed They're fucking retarded You fucked up No, I didn't fuck up You have to No, you don't You don't really

When I get on a set And there's extras there And a couple I say hello to them Because A, I was very fortunate I was maybe an extra One time in Seattle

Carrying boxes And one of those What do they call those movies when they... Industrials? Industrials. I was never an extra. Do you see how they treat those animals?

Yeah. It's horrific. But they chose to do B-Message. It's not like... I understand. I understand, but maybe they don't know what they're getting themselves into. They're not like you and I who go with a...

I got to go. You can understand both sides. Like, you, Bobby might have been nice at one point, but then something like this happens. And then now, Joey, I know you're not going to, but you would be... It would be okay for you. Be like, fuck it.

I can't talk to anyone. anymore because then they come over. I'm going to tell you a thing, okay? I was on the league recently, right? And my friend Deanna was an extra because she needs extra money, right? Deanna and I are very close friends.

I didn't notice she was going to be there. She saw me, she was in the stable where all the extras are. She saw me, she smiled, I smiled. She didn't talk to me once. I have very good friends with her, right? Because she's instinctually knows, right? You have to instinctually

know where you're at. And if you don't, I'm sorry for yelling to you, right? But if you don't know, then no. Get to know it. You have to know. You have to know. You have to know. You have to know when to just sit there and not like a fucking moment. Yeah, for me, it's like when a director's talking, I don't shut the fuck up and listen. Hey, we need you to do this.

Can I tell you what happened once? I was on The Dictator, the movie with Sasha. My first scene was, I was so nervous. I was with Ed Norton where we're coming out of a bathroom. Larry Charles, right, says to me, come out, the camera's going to be here, hit your mark, make sure your head is turned to the left, because then the lights on your face, and then do your lines on this and that, right? I go in the bathroom with Ed Norton. You know what Ed Norton says?

Don't do it that way. I go, what? You go, what? You go, this way. This is better. So what you're going to do is you're going to go out. Don't turn to the left. Go to the right.

And I'm going to do this. And in my head is like, what do I do? Do I follow Ed Norton or the director? always the director. You know what I said to Ed Norton? I go, you know what? I'm going to try it. Larry's way first, and then I'll try it your way second. He goes, okay, good idea.

But the thing is, is that you have to know where you're at. You have to know who you're... You know, I'm not going to listen to Ed Nort. He's not the captain of the ship, right? And these extras, they have to know where they are. They're the people that, you know, in the bottom where they clean the... Whatever they do in the ship. I've been very lucky.

I'm not a comic, but I've been in a lot of green rooms with Joey and other comics. And Joey knows I hate it, especially when it gets me this high. I think people who are uncomfortable to be there are uncomfortable with silence or uncomfortable with just being a normal interaction. Where they always talk too much. They always try to, they have weird laughs. They don't like it when it's quiet. When I first met Joey, I was terrified to me, Joey, because he was on TV. I've been very lucky that I've met a bunch of cool people now, and it's not as big of a deal.

and I understand why, but I think that's the biggest issue is that they're afraid of it being quiet. No, that's not what it is. Listen, you have gut instinct. The reason why you're in this situation with Joey right now is because I don't know you at all, right? But you know how to play it, all right?

So that's you. I have a little bit of that. No, no, you listen to me. You know how to play it. Because you're in this situation. I was doing the Houston improv once, and the host, I don't know him. He's a local guy.

His first line to me is this. I don't know you know why I'm hosting. I'm a headliner. I go, you're fired. You are fired. Get off, get out of here. I don't let people, let you be grateful for what you have.

Don't come up with your machismo. I've never heard of you, dog. Right? So he doesn't know his place. You do. You don't think I know, I know, listen to me right now, dude. I'm sorry, we're yelling. But if I was, dude, if I'm in a situation, right?

And I'm sitting there with Barack Obama, right? and Putin and I'm just sitting there I ain't going to say shit right I have to know my place I'm gonna if they want if Putin goes get me water I'll get a water Barack said give me a sand I'll go get a sandwich

I'll go get a sandwich I'll go talk to this It's called good instinct It's like it's like being Just being annoying Like in Koreans we have this thing Well respect your elders Right so it's like If my uncle says

Bob you go give me water If I said no uncle I'm dead I would just hear black I'd black out and then I would wake up in a hospital. You don't do that. You got to know your place, dude. I'm not saying I'm the shit,

but I know my places. Nothing bothers me more when people don't know their place. And at this age, no, I just pray for them, Bobby. I don't get mad no more because it seems like it's a different society

and a lot of people just do not know how to act, how to sit there, how to approach you. Very seldom. Yeah. Very seldom do people especially, I don't even know how to describe them. It's when they want you to do something for them. That's the weirdest interaction I always have. Lee has saw it.

Lee saw it. Well, when people want to give me scripts. Yeah. It's very uncomfortable for me. I don't know what to say. Why give me tags? I'm very outgoing, but then again, I'm very... No, you have to learn, Joe.

And you're very outgoing, but I've seen you at the comedy store, standing by a corner, by yourself. Yeah, I don't know. Smoking a cigarette. No, no, no, no, no. No, he's beautiful. But I think there's a difference, and I just want to make, because we're not saying, like, the people come to you at the show, like, the fans of the podcast. Right, like your friends at the show. The people from that TV.

No, dude. I say hi to I love my fans I'll take a photo with anybody that wants a photo I'll give you a hug I'll talk I don't give a fuck

that's not what I'm talking about I understand but I just didn't want people to misunderstand because you're talking about in a professional environment when your money depends on this exactly you know it's also you have to know

if you have the power or not I'll give you another example I was on Harold and Kumar 3 right the fucking medic right was one of those white dudes that he could do Asian jokes so he'd walk up to me and go

I got your headache medicine. I go, where is it? You got, well, you can't see. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Because of my eyes, right? And I let him do it because I don't have the power, right? But one day, he comes up and he goes, Ching Chong, he's like, started making an Asian noise.

John Cho was there. And John goes, if you ever do that again, you're fired. To the guy. The guy got shocked, and he walked away. See, I don't have the power in that situation, right? I'm a day player. I have like five lines. but John has the power.

So let me tell you something, when you give me the power, I will unleash it. But I know instinctually, like, I don't know who this medic is. I don't want to cause any trouble because I don't have any power in this situation. You're going to know the power. I should write a book, dude.

My mom was very firm on that rule because I was raised in a room with a lot of adults. I was raised in a bar. So I couldn't just run up on a conversation and go, I want that like I had to sit there and sit and listen to that conversation. And whenever I heard, I couldn't fucking really repeat it unless my mother repeated it to me later on.

And if I would raise my voice for years in Spanish, it sounds a lot better. My mother would look at me and go, kids talk when roosters piss. Roosters don't piss. Something really weird. It was some animal. It don't piss. Uh-huh. So she goes, kids talk when this don't piss.

And then, you know, I was allowed to talk after the conversation, not about their conversation. I had that big time. You know, you have to know where you stand. It's respect, I think. It's respect, and it's, there's more to it. I forget, I'm stoned to the gills. Yeah, I can tell you, you're fading. It's Friday.

Yeah, yeah. It's my time. You're clear, and now you're going to fun land. I didn't even call in for spots tonight because I know I'm going to go with the family tonight to some, thing with us singing Christmas carols. I'm going to watch Mercy run around for 40 minutes and drive my right. Congratulations.

And drive my fucking wife crazy. It's great. And then I'm going to take them home and watch Shark Tank. Hopefully it's a season finale. Whatever the fuck is gratis. I don't know if it doesn't it is. Whatever the fuck it is. But no, it's a very

rare gift to know when to talk and want to keep your fucking mouth shut. And I've seen it on sets with people. Cons. And that's what turned me off. I think it was basketball where it was very weird because it was the South Park guys and they were banging with a director

I forget who's the big director? Zucker. The Zucker brothers directed basketball. So that was the first time where I saw it and it was my first movie it was my first anything.

Yeah. So I really didn't know what to expect but I remember that's the experience I took from that. Are you nervous? Oh, Jesus Christ. And I was a physical I was a psychological mess.

I was on blow. It's so, intimidating when you first do a movie like that. You don't know what you're scared. I remember my first movie was Harold and Kumar, the first one. I wrote down every single word

from my lines a thousand times so I wouldn't forget it. And then I'd show up and then they had video village where all that new line cinema executives were and the director and producers and you're like, I don't even know what I'm going to do. I'm scared.

Was that harder or easier with improv or sketch. You don't even know, please you they don't even, you don't let you do it, you have to say the line. It wasn't that kind of movie where they're like, do whatever you want to do. No, not Harold and Kumar was that, Matt TV. That was still kind of scary, but movies are scarier, I think.

Because with television, it's, you know, you can try it a bunch of times and with movies you don't know, you know. Oh, so you try the sketches multiple times? Yeah, you'd shoot a sketch three or four times Oh, okay, I didn't know that. It's pretty interesting how they shot Matt TV. Before we get to Matt TV, I got to ask you

something. There's a couple different types of films. Okay, and when I got to LA, I did basketball. Basketball was a mistake audition. I was at 20th Century Fox

reading for NYPD Blue, and I bumped into a casting director that she was walking out in the hall to see whose name was on the list. And she asked you here for an audition. Yeah. Read this. banged it out $5,500 a week for six weeks.

Oh, my God. One line, two lines. Wow. I never did nothing like that. I never did nothing like that. I don't know the fucking Zucker Brothers, huh? Yeah. The South Park guys, I don't watch TV.

I don't know. All I know is you get there, and I see Jenny McCarthy kicking a bag. Yeah. One of those standing dummies. She's kicking it. Outside in the Sun. There's 18 people watching it,

and the sweats dripping down her back. I went in and banged one out, sat there, and sweated out in that hot fucking trailer until I figured out there was air conditioning. I sat in there like a fucking victim in one of those, like Adam Sandler in the box. I didn't even know it was air conditioning. This was my first anything. And the trailer was the size of this. It was the size of this.

This is how big, this is how much money they spent back then. This is 15 years ago. I didn't know nothing. That day, I'm not going to. to lie to people. I didn't know there was no acting class. I knew the comedy store, 1145. If I got there before Paul Mooney, if he was running late,

I get 1145 before. Who was the chick that moved to New York? It looked like a man. What do you mean? Bomah bacon? No, no. She would be hysterical. You don't know nothing, Lee. And all of a sudden, they call for you in the trailer. And they fight, you go, yeah, they're ready for you. And you walk down and they go, all right, you got to stand on your line.

Stand on your mark. What, fuck, what mark are you talking about. And they're putting bean bags on my feet, and I'm like, what the fuck? You're getting shot on the jib. Yeah. What the fuck is a jib? What are you talking about? Okay, action.

I said my line, that line, I must have said 80 times. When I walked off that, I said, I go, I'll never work again. That was my movie career down the two. So six months later, when I got the call saying, hey, we're having a premiere, if you'd like to show up, and I go, what am I going to show up for you? People cut me out of the scene. They're like, no, you know. We even put you in the trailer.

I was like, come on. That's how fucked up it was. Then I remember doing my first TV show for NBC. Nothing, Bobby, I didn't know nothing. By that time, I had taken a couple acting classes. And then I went, I fucking did three episodes. But the first day, I didn't know nothing. You scared?

Petrified. Fear as you're walking, like you're going to shit your pants. Like, stand the butt at that time, I still went back to. my roots. I could do this. I went up in front of Mitzie Shore. I could wipe my ass on this. I got this

because of Mitzie Shore. Then she started her lingering. In those days she used to linger on Mondays too, Bobby Lee. And she threw a tell-out and shit like that, and Pablo Francisco and Dane Cook and put me behind one of those savages or something.

And then I go in between Dane Cook and Eddie Griffin would show up and do six hours. But, you know, she was lingering on Monday So that confidence And then when they had a call at my house Hey man They're looking for you on Matt TV

What are you talking about, Matt TV? I'm not a grounding I'm not a fucking grounding That TV's not going to sing me Are you fucking crazy? Sure enough He didn't Boom, I went in, read for the chick

He said sit here Red for some other chick can you shoot tomorrow? Yeah. No, can you rehearse tomorrow? When in there, we didn't shoot in front of a live audience. That's what you say.

If I would have shouted in front of a live audience and the mad TV, I would have got fired. Why do you say that? Because I know. I would have fell apart at the fucking scenes. You would know. Oh, Bobby Lear, you fuck. Not that early, Bobby.

Not that early. That's being thrown through the wolves. That's 18 type shit going out there and hitting it in front of a live audience. But then you would have seen me do it and you'd be like, oh, I can do that because I would have a fuck up. I would have never.

I go, it's yes. Yes. I would have failed at the scene that Mad TV would have been in front of the live audience. When they told me it was tape, like I got, I went home and didn't do blow. Like, I knew there was a guy. Was that in the scene?

What? With you? No, this was four years before you. This was a surprise-on sketch. Oh. This was 2000. Will Sassau was in it. Will Sassau.

Yeah, and the chick who I always see. She's always in Studio City there. Nicole Garcy. Nicole Sullivan. Nicole Garcia is who cast me. Yeah, Nicole's the best. The best. She's the best.

And there was just a lead. When I walked off the mad TV set, that's the first time I really talk shit as a comedian. Because to me, I knew I wasn't going to be on Saturday line. But I got mad TV. Okay, what did you get? Yeah, yeah. Let me bump somebody tonight, Mitzi Shaw.

Why are you bumping? Because I did Mad TV, Mitsy Shore. Let me get up there and shit. And then you get bumped by James Stevens the third. Playing the fucking piano and shit. Oh, my God. Let me give some shout out to you real quick. Charlie Govella.

I love you, cocksucker, Crash. Lance Armstrong, always on point. Brandon Johnson, Samson Varghese, your bad motherfucker. D.P., Dan Pizzini, Huckleberry, Mac, Joe Arvayo, and Stevie MZK. Are you fucking kidding me? or what? I didn't know Lance Armstrong was it. Don't, what's with the question?

He's just six days away from fucking Christmas. You understand me? Bobby Lee here alive. Can I promote something? There's nothing to promote. Yeah, I'm going to say, follow me on Twitter and Instagram. Bobby Lee Live. You're the man of Steel.

No, Bobby Lee Live. I just got to do it every time. Bobby Lee Live. Hey, listen, I'm here for you. I love you. I love that. You came on, you blew my mind. You blew my fucking mind.

I can't believe this shit. This is so now, Mad TV. you get the announcement they're going to cancel what's running through your head it's over what's over I thought my career was over and then you know

no no I didn't think so no dude it's like bro when I got off of that show no one called no they gotta let you dry out for a couple of weeks it's like good week no so it took me like three or four years

I dried out I did the road and then I came back on fire a little bit and then I'm now you know doing random shit you know it's just I haven't made it yet I feel it no I know. I know, but still, you know, I know I haven't. I didn't see you perform for six or five years.

You've grown tremendously on stage. Oh, thanks, man. You've really, really made me laugh. You're Bobby. You're Bobby Lina. No, I feel good up there, man, you know? No, you're. It took me a long time.

And you're up there every night. Somebody on Mad TV already would have called their quits. They would have said, fuck it, why keep getting on stage? That's what I and you have. I'll never start. You know, you were talking about an attitude when you first came on today. Like I said, I could tell by people's attitude if they're going to stay here or not. Because you've got to be doing a certain thing.

If you're not doing that certain thing as a stand-up, it's not going to work out for you. I know when somebody's faking the funk and when somebody's working. When you see their name in three different spots every night, they're out there banging out when you're like, Jesus fucking Christ, this guy ever take a night off? you know when we first got here every fucking night we were somewhere but it's also the only way you can legitimately prove that you're funny

you can do a movie no matter how big the movie is somebody will go he was all right oh he wasn't funny or whatever right but you know you can't go to a comedy club and have me crush you know and have somebody go even if somebody said I don't think it was funny

yeah but you heard the laughs you know so it's like it's the way I tell myself that I should stay in it you know I don't know how actors do it I have some very close friends, dude, that were like on sitcom and shit, then they had to get waiting jobs. You know, because they didn't do stand-up, right? So they're like, they live by job to job.

For me, oh, you're not going to hire me in Hollywood? I'll go on the road. And I'll make just as much money as I do on a TV show. I'll go to a holiday inn and Hasbrook Heights. I wish, I mean, dude, you know what I made a mistake. That's my backyard. I know. I did it.

But you know what's fucked up? What's Hasbrook Heights? That's what? I was just there. Chan's dragging in. It's 10 minutes from Chan's dragging in. You know, dude, I just did a holiday in there. Some of the best Chinese food you've ever have in this country was 10 minutes from there.

Oh, next time if I go there, I'll go there. You never want to go back there. I don't know. I like the couple. Do you ever like that? Yeah. We'll go together to the hometown. We'll do a Cuban Chinese name.

A Cuban-Korean type of bombs on your mom. Fuck Carlums! Let me do some sponsors. We'll get you to fuck out of here. What's up, Lisa? Sayyah, how you doing, baby, boy? I'm pretty high. You're not going that fucking sushi dinner. I have to.

With those fucking Gentiles. Are there Mexicans or Gentiles? I think a mix. I don't know. It's her friends. Anybody spark the fucking numbers there tonight? No, I'm going to be the only one that's going to be law school people looking at me.

That's why I said, I'm getting you out of this, though. This is just going to take you deeper. This is Andy Dolores. She's throwing heat for the holidays. That's a new chef. Speaking of which. On it. Dropping motherfucking knowledge on your people. What are we going to say?

I'll tell you after. No, no, I'll tell you after. Yeah, tell me now. No, when we were driving home from the laugh factory and Unbelievable was playing and I was higher than, like, twice as high as this and you were just beeping for like the entire song. The entire song. There were people in the 7-10.

Just all those were beeps. It was a line from here to fucking Kentucky and people were trying to cut in line and I'm beeping out of them. We were having a great time. I guess you had to fucking beat. I really. What?

What you got to cut me off? What? What? the jungle came on and we just like both stopped talking like you'd turn the music down I don't know I just remember that I was so it was crazy you like getting high with your uncle Joey don't you

do it 90 yeah the music isn't like fun but it's scary sometimes I'm gonna do it Jim not the fucking strange anyway on it as usual the best I started my alpha brain fucking cycle on Monday I'm back I'm back already it's gonna take couple days to acclimate but trust me some people say

it takes about a month I don't know what the fuck it takes but I feel good. You understand me? I'm sharp. We got Bobby Lou who's sharp, but in fucking death on two legs. Queen 76. Anyway, here's how we're doing it for the holidays. Go on Honnet.com right now. Start right now, planning for the new year. You want to be healthy, you want to fucking shoot good loads. We want your mind working on all fucking levels. You don't want Ebola.

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Go to Island.com and press in. Church. Oh, shit. And what do you get, Lisa? You get 10% off of orders of like the supplements and all that stuff, and just not the kettlebells and the battle ropes. That's right. So you got any supplement 10% off today.

And stay on it. Cut this shit. Go to stay on it. Give me your address. Then mail the shit directly to your house on a monthly. You gotta leave the house. They're going nowhere. Fuck you.

I'm staying in. Hon. It's coming directly. Me. Get the hat protein. Delicious. 16 grams of protein. Delicious. The cocoa.

Fucking delicious. Don't they have a lot of sales? If you should follow them on Twitter. Because they just had a huge sale over Black Friday. Oh, Black Friday. So yeah, follow on it on Twitter. Don't fuck around. Go to Twitter.

Follow on it. They'll rock your world. My main man over at Iron Dragon, Dave Foley. Iron Dragon TV.com. Putting it together. If you're a classic martial art head, or you just want to get into. If you want to see where this shit started,

if you think the UFC is fucking good, this is way before the ropes and people doing loop-de-loops, you'll see the evolution of classic martial arts. From the assassins to the thieves to 9-11, 19-11, 19-11, Jackie Chan. In fact, they just got the Jackie Chan animated series. I was speaking of Dave Foley earlier today. Please, do me this favor.

You're going to love this channel. It's a Roku, right? Yeah, it's down there, check out what he's got. What do you think, Lee? It's amazing. and they're going to come out with an app for Android tablets. And I think they're still going to go to their website and maybe you can watch it on your computer.

Start right now. Go to fucking iron dragon TV.com right now and press in. Joey. Boom. And you get two free movies on the cuff. See what they got. See what the selection. You smoke a number, put your feet up.

Get some fucking hog and dyes vanilla. Forget about it. Who's better than you? And the cool thing is like I'm canceling cable at the end of this month. That's it. It's over. Yeah. But like these, even after your two free rentals,

they're only like $2. So if you, like, instead of paying $150 for a bunch of stuff you don't watch, pay by what you want to watch. Pay for what you want to watch. No more of these shit. $2, $450.50 fucking dollars a month. You're going to work and you're stabbing motherfuckers to pay your cable bill. Forget about it.

Start with iron dragon TV.com right now. Press in. Joey. Boom! There you have it. What do you think you're dealing with some fucking novice? And by the way, the new year started. You haven't got your dick sucked in the year.

You know why? Because you're a filthy fuck from head to toe. You got to start from the bull. You got to start from the bull. Bottom up. Get meiondi's.com. I stole a billboard today on Melrose. They have a billboard now? Me on these don't fuck around.

They fit great. That's what I used to juitsu. I don't wear them with jeans. I like my balls fucking beat-a-law-fresh. What do you call it? When you sit outside of the restaurant, a la fresco? That's how I like my nutsack. That's how you like your nutsack.

Don't you, Bobby Lee? With that little chin-chin juice fucking dripping in the middle of your nutsack. You rub it in, you rub it on your fucking... Anyway, who's a fuck. What are you on? do someone. Whatever, those things. The little omelet thing that you put on and you rub the thing inside with the hoist and sauce? What the fuck, Lee? You make it? What is this Chinese food night

quiz here? Me on these.com, cut the shit. It's a good point. What my main man, Bobby Lee said, they all come in different colors. Like the ones I have of the jungle, Sabwa fan, I got black one with a purple lace. Fuck all that white shit. The 80s is done. You don't want people looking inside your underwear and shit. You got blood in there and lizard juice. And God knows what else little lice eggs in there fuck all that with black nobody sees nothing just in the case you blow a fart and you get skid marks listen

go to me on these dot com right now check out what they got they also have a beautiful selection for women and right now they got free fucking shipping to the United States and Canada bitches Bobby Lee yo man thanks for having me man where you're going you still a leather jacket

you're no hairy they arrest you anyway here's the fucking deal go to me on these dot com and press in Joey boom and get free shipping and what else? 20% off. What are you going, Bobby?

I put my jacket on. I got no heat. They built this like a 1929. They don't have heat in these buildings. Can you believe that? No heat, but a tremendous air condition. Anyway, go to meandes.com right now and press in. Joe.

Boom. And when you get 20% off. Yeah. 20% off to start and free shipping. Who's better than me on these? Right to your house. You see something in there? You want to buy for somebody?

You can fill it all out and get the underwear sent right to their house. plus Valentine's Day is coming. You want to get your little monkey eating? What the fuck? You know what I'm saying? Get some new underwear. Get me on these.com.

They're very sexy. They pulled the sweat out. Everything smells delicious, Bobby Lee. Also, my main motherfucking people, naturebox.com. Everybody's looking to get healthy for the new year. It starts right there. They're going to give you a what?

Free sample box. Free sample box. Five fucking bags. How many, Lee? Four small ones and one big one. Mm-hmm. And all you got to do is go to the box and press in. Joey.

Boom. And get it right now before the fucking new year. See what it's all about. Nutritionist approved. No more eating the fucking snacks. At night, you smoke a fucking bong hit. You eat some these. You watch your Iron Dragon TV.

Who's better than you? Go to Naturebox.com and get you free. Free. I'm telling you right now. Free. Opening up box. What do they call them? Sample box.

Sample box. I get so fucking excited. I wish I had 15 addresses. Send fucking Naturebox to all my different addresses. Oh, we haven't sent it to the office. We'll have to do that. That's right. We'll send a box to the office on a card. Fill it out tonight. Let's make this happen. I love you guys. Nature Box. I love you guys. Me on

these.com. I love you. I love you. Iron Dragon TV. My main man, Dave Foley. I love you too. My main Asian. You know I love you, man. Deshaven. He's the world of me. You're coming on. Dude, I want to do anything you want, man. You and I together. You're the king of swing. I love you. Don't forget New Year's Eve. I'm in the I-Hus house. 8 o'clock show. Listen, there's some people they just don't want to hang out and do the countdown.

I'm one of those type of people. I want to be home fucking eating something, relaxing, petting my cat. I understand. I'm in Fort Lauderdale. Good for you. For New Year's. The whole weekend?

Yeah, I do. Go to Fort Lauderdale. The Improv. Yeah. Tremendous. The casino? Yeah, well. Oh, shit.

In fact, you're going to send Lee Syatt and edible overnight. That's what you're going to send it for Christmas. A limo drive up to Fort Laudel dea to meet Bobby Lee's father for one night. I got sons of anarchy out here waiting for your fucking, and that's it. And that's it. And where are you next week? I'm here, man.

Okay, so you're here until New Year's Eve. That's why I love you. Like I said, I'm at the Ice House. I'd like to thank all our sponsors again on it. Meundees.com, naturebox.com, and iron dragon TV.com. All right. We'll be back Monday.

We don't know what fucking time. We'll be back Monday, all right? And we'll be back Wednesday for a special late night Christmas Eve edition. When you're bored and lonely, you don't come crying. You don't got to call a hooker. We'll be there for you, all right?

Stay black. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sample box of great tasting, healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey.

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