The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #241 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: December 23, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  All About The Benjamins -Puff Daddy I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Sin City - AC?DC Recorded on 12/22/2014

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They're adding tons of new movies every day. that it's about to 30 a month and in January and the new year they're going to have 4K technology and they're also going to be able to stream the movies on your Android tablets. Go to NailedItLife.com. That's NailedItLife.com.

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We're talking about today, cock suckers. Oh shit. The church, motherfuckers. All about the Benjamins. A little song for the Jews, the Anahna Hanukkah right here. What? Drop it, Lee. What you want to do?

What? The church. Uh, Christmas, eating ass. What, bussy, a piece of ham. Fuck it. Throw the mashed potatoes in there. Why not? Uh, where's that motherfucking gift?

Lysayat, you were dropping on me for the bitch. Uh, what? A ring, a gun. A bazooka. Give it to me, Lee, you motherfucker, Uka. Uh-huh. Kick it, Lee.

It's going to be a bad motherfucking night tonight. Strap a pair on, get that bong, motherfuckers. Fat man alerts in the house, motherfuckers. What?

It's all about the Benjamin's what? I get a 50-pound bag of uca. For the muts. What's the story, Doug? What the fuck you've been hiding all weekend? Last time I saw you,

I gave you a brown. You were going to eat with a bunch of uptight fucking people. And that's why you got a up when you go to you hang out with people like that. It's okay you hang out with people like that from time to time because they make you seem how lucky you are to hang out with crazy people.

Yeah, I was telling Steve, and I don't remember if I've said that on the podcast, but one of my favorite things about podcasting is how cool. We get to have these cool conversations that no one has in regular life anymore. Like, I feel, whenever I watch old movies or TV shows, I always watch because I've basically forgotten what it's like

to live without a cell phone or internet. I was 10 or 11 or something when that started coming out, but I honestly don't remember. So I always look and see what people used to do, and a lot of it was just hanging out, talking, like doing activities. And that's what, and I went to this thing and they were all very nice, but it was supposed to be a birthday dinner. And maybe I was just high in paranoid, but it seemed like everyone was very quiet. So like I tried to produce the dinner conversation. But I meet the birthday girl. And she goes, oh, and they were talking.

and like, oh, I was in Japan for two years. I was like, oh, were you there during the earthquake? And she got really sad. And I realized that after I asked it, that it might not be the best thing to bring up on her birthday. But I was like, and she's like, yeah, I was. I was like, oh, that must have sucked? It's fucking crazy.

Like, I've always, every once in a while I have a friend, they invite him or something. And I get them, like, oh, my God, what have I done? They start talking about life. And I don't even know this life they're talking about. You know? try to And the best thing to do is just shut your mouth,

act civil, giggle, you know, smile, you always bond with somebody. There's always some other nut in there that you and him on him. Oh, there's the only guy there.

Yeah. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah, that's even, see, you got yourself,

and you got to cut that shit out to. That's something you got to say. The sushi was good, but. Yeah, but, it's one guy with five gallons. I just know,

you got to cut that shit out. Yeah. It's a shit. You got avoid in your life. You don't want to be going to be going to that trap. I got lost in the way from the train to the restaurant because I was so high. I couldn't really understand what my phone was saying, because I was just walking around downtown. And then it was scary on the way there.

It was like that Star Wars, when they go into hyper speed or whatever, and the lights keep going, because the train was going really fast. And then there was this homeless dude who was hammered. And he had his shoes off, and he was having a conversation with himself. And he was crying and laughing. And I had my headphones in because I was just trying to, like, focus on, like, a podcast or something. and he was just hysterically laughing and then he'd go to crying

and he was just hammered like I'm fucking high right now anytime you're on the train lead there's going to be drama I love it I love that about Boston New York's a little bit more New York I can never figure out the system

because I've only been there a few times and there's express trains and shit like that and there's too many lines so I got there's an A train and that's all a Broadway type deal then there's the express That's when my 178th Street I think it just takes you right down

Like if you're going under Don't quote me on this 125th Or maybe 70 seconds straight I don't know I don't think I ever went that high That's like Harlem isn't it? That's Harlem up there But you know

They have like the number one And all that shit to Queens I don't know Don't quote me on this anybody I don't know the trains anymore I don't remember that That was a long time ago But I always had fun

For me it was a bus growing up Oh yeah For me I wrote a bus Like a school bus or like a city bus? Like a city bus. And it was a straight line. It was number one. I went from New York to New Jersey or vice versa.

That's how I traveled in those days. You know, two bucks to get you into the city. You stop, you're a little bottle of Blackberry Brandy, maybe a fucking eight pack of beer, put it on the bus. Nobody was saying anything to those days. A 20-minute ride. You drink three beers, a couple shots of Blackberry of Brandi,

you're in the city tuned up already. But, you know, it's just, it's what you could get away with them, what you could do. You're not going to get on the train drunk and drink, but you're going to do little shots or something. You're going to put it in something. Yeah. It doesn't look like the obvious.

What was your go-to? Cot. Gatorade. Really? Yeah. Vodka and then when you get a little bit more money, you get the Wolframit, whatever the fuck that is, the silver label. That's why I can't drink vodka anymore

because of plastic jug or jugs we had as kids that, like, someone would buy or something. They were disgusting. Tasted like paint dinner. can't do vodka anymore. Yeah, you gotta get yourself out of that fucking one guy. You gotta ask her now. Is there gonna be men there?

No, not really. So I'm gonna do something around with five fucking women. Talking about what? I'm sitting there like a fucking momo. Looking around, thinking about a gun. I used to have a girlfriend. Not a girl. They used to take me to those things.

Let's go out with my friends. You get there to six fucking women at the table. And you're like, what the fuck do I do? Yeah. And I'd always get like a call. I don't even know. I'd always get myself out of it. I'd fucking make something up.

I got to go. I got to call my friend in Jersey. Maybe he's going to pick me up. I'd always do something fucking ridiculous. That's always been like my fears falling into that woman room. Like into that fucking room. What do you think's going to happen? Just I'm going to hear shit.

I don't want to fucking hear. You get four or three women together and you sit there for more than eight minutes. You'll want to fucking shoot yourself. I love it. I love women. I love, but when you get three or four of them in the room, and they start talking about what's important to them and shit, you will fall off your fucking chair in laughter and aggravating.

You want to kick one of them. Like, one of them will start, like, one of them will just break your fucking back. Yeah. And you'll like them, whatever, but when you get a couple of them together longer than 20 minutes, you want to shoot yourself, no disrespect to women, I love you, but I'm just telling you how it is what the world on the street is. I just love the way you put it. They start talking about what's important to them.

Yeah, I'm like, whatever the fuck. They talk about the store, whatever the fuck. You know, and you sit there and go, wow, how do I end up here? What the fuck did I do to deserve this torture? You start thinking about torture. Like, well, people define this torture. Like, hummus up your asshole. Like, sitting here listening to this shit for an hour.

What is worse to you? Hummus up the asshole or six women at a sushi dinner? I'll tell you what fuck. I didn't know how much what bothers me to no end. cotton in my fucking mouth I don't wait to touch a cotton at all except when it's wiping my asshole that's it I don't like cotton

cotton balls cotton or gauze yeah like the other day the fucking dentist but gauze in my mouth when he was doing a root caner that bothered me more than needles fucking everything yeah I don't like it touch it has a weird texture

yeah I don't like cotton close to me in my mouth and my fucking head it drives me fucking nuts you understand me I don't know why. It just drives me fucking nuts. Did you get high before the Brook Canal? Sure. I had to be in there nine in the morning.

I got blasted like 7.15 like a motherfucker. That's always my fear. I feel like pain would be super intense on weed. No, well, it is the problem. If you take the gas, you might go to a weird place. What the fuck is? What the fuck is that? Sun's anarchy is outside.

All of a sudden there's white people shooting fucking black people, cops. I can't breathe. What the fuck? I don't fucking know. I can't breathe. I don't fucking know. You order one of those shirts yet? So you can walk around to show solidarity?

No, there's no solidarity. You know, I mean, what do you want me to tell you? That's fucked up, though. The cops getting killed? No, please. This is a complete, you know, the best is, oh, we're going to put body cameras on. You can show up with the, they had everything but a fucking camera crew on that thing

when they chubed it, and they choked the, like, that, that, that, that, that, that, black, that, that, black. Yeah. They had everything by the fucking camera crew, bro. They're doing them to the fucking floor. That's murder. That's murder. In any other fucking city, would you invite on murder there. Yes, you fucking would.

That's murder. I saw it, you saw it, but they're the fucking power supreme. Now they're going to dig themselves into a fucking hole. Yeah. Now we started. Now they're going to get copycats. And every year we go through a trend. Three years ago, it was the children going fucking bananas at schools and morons

blown themselves up at movie theaters and shit. You know, I'm trying to watch Batman And this guy wants to be fucking Clint East With all of a fucking Sutton, I need this shit Most of them, they take a picture It looks like Bozo the fucking clown. Obviously somebody sat him down, smacked him, gave him a pill

And sent him to the movie theater, loaded to the gills Like Rambo and said, shoot everybody in there You're on a mission from Satan. You know, that poor kid is half-retarded. You can't tell that poor kid's half-retarded? Yeah, he doesn't look at him fucking down. Bitslept him, told him Martians who were going to stick a grenade up his ass.

to go shoot the fucking movie to that poor kid. You know, you could tell. So somebody else is going to strike now and start shooting fucking cops. Let me ask you something. I have dear friends of the cops. I grew up with a lot of cops. As a criminal, I've never had a beef with a cop. You'll never hear me on a podcast or anything.

Call a cop a derogatory name. That's why I've always had that attitude. That's why I've never had that problem with police officers. there was one cop In my 51 years on this planet That I had a problem with And that was the cop that got a sign On the Vela kidnapping

Me and him went back and forth For fucking months Like he came into your house and told you They were coming for you and stuff No no no no This was a guy that took his job A little bit too fucking seriously And on the Vela kidnapped

And he became You know Johnny Saint on the scene He looked at it from my a different perspective. He didn't look at it from anybody's perspective. He had a different outlook on it, which I forget what the fuck it was. He had the outlook that

you guys were scumbags when you took this guy down and there was no drugs involved. He were trying to rob him. There were drugs involved. There was just no trace of drugs. There was a scale that was cleaned off. And there was like other paraphernalia, but there was no proof of the fucking drugs.

So they were saying, no, you guys tried to rob him. And that was his intent from day one this guy. But this guy didn't let up on me at all. Even after I went away to prison, and I came back for the community service hearing, he was there. And he was going against

me all the fucking way. And there was a couple times we had just verbal exchanges. He was a big guy, but I hated him that much and he hated me. His hate for me, in turn, made me fucking hate him, because I knew, you know. But besides that,

I never really had a problem in any fucking cop. I mean, it's terrible, but it's, it does suck when people take their job too seriously. Like, I waited in line it for 30 minutes today at UPS. What the fuck happened to your UPA? Think about your words. UPS. What the fuck were you doing at UPS for 30 minutes? Because I had a gift that I had, was going to get delivered,

and I wasn't at my house because you can't wait at your house from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. And I went to go pick it up a Saturday, but they wouldn't give it to me, so I had to go back today. Why didn't they give it to you Saturday? They said, even though I called the 800 number, I didn't put a formal request to get the package. So I came back It's just bureaucracy like a motherfucker

And then they weren't going to give it to me Because my ID doesn't have my new address on it And I I was so I was this close To like ripping their computers And throwing it on the wall I was fuming But it just

It's a I worked a lot or I worked I worked three or four retail jobs And restaurant jobs And I worked for five or six years It's tough It's tough dealing with the public Very tough

But the thing I'll say is I think they're going to run into an issue asking for a $15 minimum an hour wage, minimum wage, because I don't think a lot of these people working there deserve 15 an hour, so they're going to lose their jobs. Because a lot of these people are just,

it's beyond the worst. At UPS. Everywhere. I was at Target today. I was at CVS today, and I don't know if they're overworked. The service has gone down horrifically in this country. They judge everything by labor versus workforce.

You know, everything is done by a fucking form. You walk into, listen, I do all my business with CVS. The only reason why I go to CVS is I love the two girls. And it isn't their fault. It isn't their fault. Yeah, that's true. They got two girls working there. One is filling prescriptions.

The other one is taking prescriptions and picking them up and giving them the people. Breaking down the prescription, you have to drink them with two every four hours. What's that? Four every two hours? No, two every four hours. Oh, my God, I need glasses. Well, we'll talk about late. It's two fucking hours.

Right. It's tough. And the phone's ringing. Pharmacy line one. Pharmacy line two. Pharmacy. When I go to CVS now, I prepare for a 25-minute wait. Right.

I work the CVS for two years. I grab in. I get what I got to do. My nasal shit. The fucking vizine for the refire eye. I get whatever else I need tape from my wrist, for jihito. Whatever the fuck I need.

I stand online. I just take the beating. So when I get there, that's it. And it bothers me because the front counter has the chick The bite size, like a motherfucker, I need one package of those to get me straight. Once a week, and I'm good. You know what I'm saying? There's a gas station on a little canyon by your house.

Yeah. They gums and the way down the economy store. I pull over there and get one package before my sets. It sets me straight. Some people do steroids. Some people do drugs before their sets. I pop those little fucking little chicklets. You love gum.

You have like a gum by the liquor store that we go to? The Mexican gum. Before one of the thing, I loved that. And then on the way down to San Diego, the time when you got super high, you put an entire pack. I'm fucking stone to the gills. I'm driving and I'm falling asleep. I got a pack of gum going that works the fucking jaw.

Like a hooker giving 10 blow jobs. A hook ain't going to fall asleep sucking your dick if she's doing a good job. You know what I'm saying? She's working at a fucking jaw. Her whole head's involved. Her eyes are blinking. It's a bad situation. Lisa.

Don't look at me like I'm fucked up. Have you ever had a hooker fall asleep on you? No, I'm just saying. What the fuck? I never had a fucking hooker fall asleep on me. You know, I had one hooker experience and that was that I bailed on that fucking thing, hooker experience. So what are you doing Christmas?

We were going to try to do a podcast at 6 o'clock. Christmas Eve, Wednesday, just to fulfill what we do for you people. And we started thinking about it. I got to tell you something. If we do a podcast at 6, that means it's 9 on the East Coast. I got to be honest with you people. If you guys are watching this podcast Christmas Eve at 9 o'clock on the East Coast, you got problems.

It's time for you to fucking look deep. within you. I know some people get lonely and some people need to laugh or whatever but no I don't want you people doing this. I want you people going out and enjoying touching people. Get the fuck out of the house. Get the fuck off that fucking computer. Go.

Get out. Get some fucking air. You fucks. Smell something. Smell some ass. Go do something. No, sitting in because I'm depressed because my grandfather got hit by a truck. Who gives a fuck? Fuck grandpa. He left you to the fucking car. That's all that matters. You're alive and kicking.

can get out there, breathe. That's all I ask you. So Lee and I decide we'll do it early. So maybe you can watch it Wednesday at lunchtime. If you're on the East Coast, sit, smoke a fucking number. Maybe listen to Led Zeppelin 3. Dig with me and Lee got the same. Maybe we'll get a guest.

Maybe we'll have my boy call. I got the U, the second part. I watched a part of it. I deviarded and I got it at the house. Both times I've deviarded. Last time I deviated was fucking women's volleyball. I almost killed somebody today. But no, it's, is Christmas Eve important to you?

Because for my entire childhood, I went to this Italian family's house for Christmas Eve. And then now... You're wrong with your family. Your dad. My dad worked with him. And we went every year that a guy dressed up a sin every year. It was great. And they had Italian food.

And now Paula, her mom and her cousin, Christmas Eve is more important than Christmas Day. I just don't know anything about it. So they do presents of Christmas Eve. They do tamales. I don't know. I'm Jewish. It doesn't really matter. So you went over to this guy, these people's house Christmas season.

Every year. Yeah. And then what did you guys do? You go home and stare at each other? There's no tree at your fucking house because you're Jewish? No, I'm Jewish. We had Hanukkah. So there's no fucking gifts when you went back to your house?

No, they all give, oh my God. They gave us so many gifts. They're like a richer Italian family. We went home with more gifts than we got at Hanukkah sometimes. They loved us. It was great. It was a shout out if you're on the East Coast to the Lombardoes. They have a nightclub.

and stuff, but technically where my bar mitzvah was. But, no, it was great. I, um, I was always a little bit jealous of Christmas. Like, I went, my cousin, his ex-wife is Christian, and I went over there once when the kids were really young, and the kids fell asleep on the floor under the Christmas tree, like, in the middle of opening their presents, because they just had, like, so many presents, they just couldn't handle it. And I was a little bit jealous.

Because I, I, my parents were well off when I was growing up. I had a bunch of presents at Hanukkah. But it's still probably two presents a night, maybe three presents a night. Which adds up... I don't know. It adds up to be a lot. Jesus Christ. No, but I'm just saying underneath the tree.

It's fucking Jews. You spoil each other, aren't you? Fuck yeah. Well, it's not always like PS-4s. It's like a small thing. When you're a kid. A pair of socks, a t-shirt, your favorite pajamas. Yeah.

G. Yeah. You know, maybe G. You want some of Yonika. You want a yonika? The other fuck he wears. You know, what? What does it mean?

I mean, what does Christmas Eve mean? I mean, what does it mean? You're raised that it means that you go somewhere with your family or good friends in case you don't have a family, and you get together, and you maybe exchange gifts, you maybe don't, maybe three years are broke, it's a tough time a year, but everybody understands. It's not about the present. It's just that feeling, you know.

You're reading, you know. I've had the best Christmases when I've been broke, the best Christmas evening. Really? And I've had good Christmases when I had money, a shitty one, because you didn't do nothing with it, you know? How long did it take you to, like, start celebrating after your mom passed away? Well, I just remember coming from Cuba. I remember, I'm not going to sit here and say, I remember my first Christmas, I fucked you. I remember a Christmas, like, after when I was, like, six or seven, I was maybe six, and I still believed in Santa Claus.

And they took me to the bar, which I never had gone to those days a lot. I would go maybe once a month in those days. And when I got back, the gifts were under the tree. And it was, they were all with me. Anybody who could have done that, it was a fucking trick. So even though my friends told me there was no Santa Claus, I was like, you guys don't know. Maybe you guys were just dumb motherfuckers.

There's a Cuban Santa Claus that showed up in my house. So that was the only Christmas I really cherished, that I really believed. You still remember it? Yeah, I remember that particular. particular ones on 205 West Dadey 8th Street, they moved the dinner table and they put the tree against that wall. And I still remember how those lights used to flash against that wall. You know, I still remember how important Christmas was to my mother. And it's also the 7th of January.

That's one of the three kings. So on that date, you get cash. So the Cuban Christmas runs basically from the 17th to the 7th. Very ironically, you guys have heard me talk about St. Did I talk about this day or the day? That that whole Cuban thing happened on St. Lazaro's birthday. I was so high. I don't think so.

Well, yeah, that whole Cuban thing happened on St. Lazaro's birthday. That's why it's very important. Cubans, I was goofing with John Salamity that day, my buddy. He said that he was calling people the last week or so, and he wasn't getting a response from people for business. And I said, John, you're 45 years old. Tell me that you're not that fucking stupid. Gentiles don't, they give up.

After the fucking 15th, white people done. And I don't blame you. You know, black people are broke. They don't give a fuck. You know, it ain't over till it's fucking over. But white people have a list. You know, Gentiles have a list.

And they plan it out. They're going to Nick's house. And they're going to give Nick and a kiss under the fucking green tree, whatever the fuck that is. A mistletoe. Green tree. Whatever the fuck it is. You should have a little nugget.

Yeah. You know, and they just plan all this shit out. You know, so, you know, when you're a savage, you just go by, what we talking about anyway? Well, I think you're talking about, like, Christmases, like the Cuban stuff. So after the 15th, people dead. People are brain dead. You're not going to answer your phone. You don't take on new projects.

It's like, I need eight days, and I'm out of here. I'm just killing eight days. I'm killing files. I'm stapling shit. I'm cleaning my desk You know, you just You don't want to do nothing So if you're really trying to

Like, there's people today that were like, hey man I'm still talking to people about a movie It's dead guy Business is dead as a last fucking Thursday or something Yeah So for Cubans it starts the 17th After the 17th you can't get a Cuban focus Because the 24th is debt

They start on the 20th And they get a couple pigs And they fucking marinate them First, they keep them alive for like two days, and they feed them, and they make sure they shit everything out. They fucking feed them and make sure their insides around. I don't know how they do it. I don't be hearing about this as a child.

Then they stabbed the little pig. Then they open them up. Then they fucking stab them on them on them. Every like hour and the hour for like 22 fucking hours while they're drinking, do them blow. And you have shifts. And once the 24th comes, that pig is fucking ready to go. His ears are crispy and shit.

I like two of them. His eyeballs are still in there. Nice. It's got the little red glaze on him. It tastes like a maritino cherry and shit. That one of those dive bars were talking about. Wait, the eyeballs? Sure.

Oh, yeah. You ate a peg-up? And as you bite into them, the pupil fucking shoots out like a fucking rapeseeat. Tremendously. But you don't like cotton in your mouth? No, I don't like cotton in my mouth. I don't mind a chick pissing in my mouth either, but that's a complete different party. So, uh, fucking, what we're talking about?

I'm stoned. Christmas. Yeah, me too. I just did that with you. Anti-Dolores is getting debt. If you live close to the anti-Dolores store, she sent me a box, and I got to tell you some. I've been stoned for the last three weeks. And that's just like regular stone.

Like deep, deep, fucking stone. I knew today was going to be bad because you called me like three or four times, and each time your voice got a little quiet. The last time was, leave. We're going to fuck that tonight. Dog, I got fucked up. I just ate 2.30. Oh, my God.

I was looking to get stoned I had to run some errands this afternoon I knew they're going to be a pain in the fucking ass I had to go sit and catch ear beating my two fucking people so I knew I just had to and I couldn't be stoned for them I couldn't. I had to give them the respect.

I love that that's an errand to go catch an earbeating. Oh, to drive, to know that you got to catch an earbeam. First I lost my parking spot. I'm already pissed off. You understand me? I'm not bothering nobody. If I do kettle bells, all I got to do is pull them out of the trunk. right there. I got to walk to my house.

Why don't you just put the kettlebells in the road? No one's going to steal kettlebells. On what road? Like in your spot. I can't do that. You stab people's tires. What's the difference? I can't put kettlebells. People run them over. They'll ruin their insides and shit. And they'll ask who's kettlebells on and I lose the kettlebells.

I like my kettlebells. We'll leave the kettlebells alone. All right. I'm sorry. Well, you bought them with the fucking kettlebells. So, you know, you have that Christmas Eve, which is family. Christmas Day and you sit around and watch football and eat the leftovers. And that's, it's considered a holiday. Between you and I, do I give a fuck? Do I?

I don't give a fuck. It's just a day off that you're wasting my time. I can be getting some Guitous. It's all about the Benjamins. Every Jews, they're all pissed because these fucking Gentiles are sitting around eating. They can be flipping a fucking buck, but they don't say nothing. They go to Long Island. They do what the fuck they need to do.

They take care. They mowed the lawn. What are the fuck they do? That's what it means. Is it important? I think about my darkest time when I spent Christmas Eve and a friend's on Christmas Day at a fucking bar, watching football, making believe I was having a good time.

Was I miserable? Inside, I was broken inside, you know? I mean, but you bear with them. I've said it here before on the show, and the best Christmases I had was 87 when I was locked up. Oh, yeah, you were saying that with the eight people. Because I thought it was going to be bad. And it turned out to be fantastic.

A bunch of guys giggling, laughing, you know, where we smoking dope and drinking now. We knew what we stood. We were just happy to be doing that because when you go to prison, they tell you you're not going to do nothing. Everybody else is eating fucking shit in their room. Here we were in a room with fucking shrimp and meatloaf and fucking guacamole and tamales and fucking burrito. There's too many flags in that kitchen, though. Yeah, it's fucking tremendously.

It was just too much. going back to my little bunker into my room and going, what the fuck was that? Yeah. So when you expect a bad Christmas, if you put a little effort into it, it might become a good fucking Christmas. I've had Christmases if I didn't have a dollar in my fucking pocket.

I had gel for my hair and, you know, and I went to somebody's house and played it off and all, and then like, hey, man, we got an extra wallet for you for Christmas. And it just warms your heart and it gives you a new outlook. So don't stay in a fucking house Christmas Day. That's my whole thing. Christmas could be, Christmas is what you make of it.

If you stay in, you're going to be bummed out about Christmas. Yeah. Even people tell you they hate Christmas and don't call the house and I'm going to stay alone and watch movies. You're sitting there like a fucking moron, you know? Yeah.

It's about people. It's about going out in Mingling and saying hello and you know what? It's that one time of a fucking year. Do it for that. Who gives a fuck about a Fourth of July? People blowing firecrackers and shooting guns. Nobody's shooting guns, Christmas's fucking Eve, you know?

I should have done that. I'm terrible at going out. Not Christmas, but two of my saddest New Year's, I'm pretty sure I was in Boston, maybe one was out here. I know definitely one was in Boston, and I had nothing to do, like no friends asked me hangout or something, and I was watching the Three Stooges Marathon on AMC, just laying on my couch on my side.

Christmas or New Year? New Year's. New Year's completely different than Christmas. But it's like the same thing you have to go out. Two different holidays. Two different high. You don't have to do. Christmas, is a time when you go to people's homes

and you fucking relax and you know, it's a different people cook. New Year's, you could, I've had people who turn New Year's into that. I'll turn New Year's into that. But there's people who want to go out on New Year's, and the people who go out on New Year usually don't go out the rest of the year.

Right. People plan to go to Vegas on New Year's. You know, they don't go to Vegas all the time. No. If they went to Vegas all the time, they knew they wouldn't go to Vegas on New Year. Do you follow them? It's kind of weird. So if certain people go on New Year's Eve, I'm getting older.

But I gave up on New Year's Eve when I was 20. After I was 20, New Year's Eve, I'd seen it for what it was. I'd done them at the bar, and now I was doing them ever since I was left alone. I was doing them every year, because what else do you do on New Year's? Did I have a good time on New Year's? I had a good time on New Year's for a few years. But then I saw some shit go down that could only happen on New Year's. And after that, I had a different respect.

for New Year's. So there was, Lee, if you want me to lie to you, there were many a fucking New Year's I stayed in. Many on New Year's. Maybe it was more, maybe it was just me then being... If you're 20, should you begin on New Year's? Fuck no. You know, I mean, fuck no. You should be out getting your dick suck somewhere behind

a fucking El Dorito. You know, fuck, I had the rap party tonight. What? For the movie? Yeah, El Torito. I didn't go. Oh, fuck. I'm here. I don't give a... You want to go? No. I can't. What are you going to? I go, Elta, get Elta.

So you can shit in blood? You were going to El Dorito to the happy hour? You eat that shit? Not happy. I've been there once. It's nuts. How I had a dear friend

who worked at El Dorito in 1983. And we used to talk. And I go, what's El Dorito? And he said, go, it's a margarita bar. Wait, do you come out of here? I'll get your job. I made 300 a night. Women are sucking my dick at the bar

and shit. I was like 20. I can't wait to go out to El Dorito, you know? And I got out of your night. I asked somebody about El Torito, and they're like, it's a fucking dive in Redondo Beach. Nobody even got, you know, that's how much of times

have changed. Like so many Mexican restaurants in 83, 84, El Toritos in Redondo Beach was huge. People would hang out there and pick chicks up there and du Blode, you know? Yeah. But the interesting thing about El Torito was El Torito was very good

to me in my comedy career early on. So I shouldn't be fucking with that. You worked at El Toritos? No, I did comedy at El Toritos. El Torito used to have a comedy night in Denver on Thursday nights. And if you went there, they gave you $25 worth of food and a coupon for $25 for the following week.

Oh, so I used to stack up on the coupons and go every week, do 10 minutes. The manager loved me, so sometimes you give me two coupons. Even if I had $10, and I could put $5 worth of gas in the car, and I had $5 for a tip, and I just go there and use the coupon in Alterito. It was a 45-minute fucking drive with no traffic. But it's free food. It's free food.

When you're in open mic, you've got to, you've got to. to do what you got to fucking do if you want to believe in yourself. So I'm sorry. Shout out the Outter Rita. They're nice people. Do you see McDonald's taking the Big Mac away? Are they? That's what I saw on Twitter today. Were you depressed? Were you dizzy?

No, Big Mac was never my thing. What do you give a fun? I don't know. Less people are going to get cancer. Less people are going to wake up in the morning dizzy with fucking hypertension and shit like that. Who knows? I haven't had a Big Mac. This is probably in mid-70s. No way.

Miami. Really? Wasn't your thing either? No, I just didn't know what. I had them. When I used to go to Miami, my mother didn't allow me to eat fast food. So when I go to Miami,

but my cousins, they eat big, in the 70s, what do you think McDonald's was about? What do you think? You went to McDonald's and got chicken fingers? There's no fucking chink of fingers. They came later.

When I, as a kid, you went to McDonald's, the cheeseburger, the double cheeseburger, and the Big Mac, and the quarter pounder with cheese and the quarter pound. That's it.

There was no fucking. McRib or McFucking Nothing. There was who got. There was French fries. I don't even think they had onion rings, dog. They don't have any rings down. Oh, they don't? All they don't? No. I'm what the fucking way. I hate that I know that. I don't know what. Who gives a fuck? I don't know when.

But I ain't know why. I love my little quarter pound of cheese once a year. And there's nights. I know I'm going by a McDonald's do comedy and I'm going to stop my McDonald's and I get a quarter pound of cheese. I'm the Boston. I live around the block from the Taco Bell. Yeah, that's all. Five fucking years.

Every night. I'm like, tonight I'm going to go to Taco Bell and get myself three fucking tacos like a soldier. I don't have the heart to go in there. I feel so fucking guilty. If I got sick, I had it coming. Why would you go to Taco Bell? You know, you're only going to get cancer. You know, you're going to get fucking sick.

So that's my answer to your dilemma. This year you have something to do Christmas Eve, and I'm very proud of you. Yeah. I'm happy for you. Thank you. You're going to go over to your in-laws' dad. Who's going over? There are three broads in you.

The father coming? No, they're divorced. How about the brother? He's coming Christmas Day. What about Tio? Which is going to be hysterical. What about the uncle? Tio's not coming.

Tio's somewhere in Englewood. Tio's not coming. Living the dream. Living the dream. Sleep on a floor somewhere. Why is the brother going to be a trip on my name? Because the mom, because the brother and his wife are like going through like separation or something like that. But the mom and his wife, ex-wife do not get along.

So they were already The cousin and my And Paula were already teasing the mom Like what are you gonna get her for Christmas And the mom would just be in the kitchen Just shaking her head like Like wondering stuff in Spanish Because she was apparently she doesn't like

I've never met her yet So that's gonna be interesting So they like this new place Yeah it's great They're happy to be out of fucking It's uh I was always very scared for them Inglewood and I was scared for me Fuck I'm

There's no one who looks like me living in Englewood So I'm glad I was this new neighborhood Great she loves it They still had gunshed I'm trying to do. No, no gunshots. Fucking helicopter is a nice shit flashing lights in your window. But they do, I never realized how, like,

you have kind of a joke about it with the jamba juice. But, like, Mexicans create amazing jobs. There's these guys who go in rented trucks and have, like, a ralphs in the back of their truck, like produce and veggies and stuff. And then the, like, I just find out, like, those hot dog stand people. They don't have, like, licenses. They get arrested for that all the time.

And I sell like a hot dog woman in the Target parking lot in North Hollywood. Doing what? Making Mexican hot dog through the bacon around it. And sell them like a motherfucker. Yeah. To pop the kids. Over by that target is they got the best fucking food. They got the truck that sells burritos and shit.

I'm never eating there, but I always see a line there. They got the food lady who I talked about in that joke, who really does victory in violent. Yeah. That's it. That lady's been there since I moved here. Coconut juice. the fruit mix, the fruit in the bag. She'll fucking cook it up for you, dog.

Old school. Then they have the Zumba at the park. They do? Oh my God. You go there at night. They got a fucking little leaf feel filled with fat Mexican Zumba. Some big Mexicans in the middle with a cowboy hat on. It's fucking hilarious.

50 is like the minimum. I've seen 60 there. I've seen armies of people. It's looked like a football practice. I don't even know what Zumba. Zumba's the exercise and dancing. Why not? I just don't know. They go there. So there's the little

village there. They got the hamburger place. They got your spots there. They got the chicken place there. Popeyes is there. I don't fucking lie. You're like making believe you. They didn't have Popeyes in Boston. Stop. They just got one near from my park.

But I was like... How many times you've been to Popeyes? I think once or twice. That's it. I thought. The fried chicken was never... Like KFC? You're a fucking burger. I'm a burger.

I'm a burger. I'll tell you. what you eat that drives me fucking nuts ice cakes no the other day I went over to this place the jersey mics with my wife and the baby they give my wife the turkey with the avocado for the baby okay I get the tub

in the sub I get the salad with tuna I throw half the tuna out it's delicious I mix it up with a little vinegar oil with some oregano it's fucking delicious that sounds good yeah with extra onion I like oregano tuna with a lot of fucking onion a little oregano a little black pepper boom bitches

so what I eat And Harvey fucking homo gets in front of me online, right? Not me. Not you, some other fucking Harvey homo. And he's like, let me get a something club. Turkey club? A turkey something club, which I'm getting irritated by it. Why?

Just turkey and bacon? People don't eat that shit in Jersey. They don't eat that bacon on their food. In Jersey, people cook with enough season. We don't eat bacon on the fucking sandwiches. I don't want bacon on fucking sandwiches. Why? It was irritating me to know that.

What about BLT? Is that okay? A chicken. BLT is not bad. But it's got to be Jersey stuff. No, there's no fucking turkey. That's why it's called the BLT, bitch. There's no fucking turkey club with chicken club with fucking bacon on top.

That defeats the fucking purpose. That's pork meat and eating fucking chicken. I know. It's great. It's disgusting. Oh, it's so good. Fucking disgusting. So now you get the goddamn, what was I talking about that?

He gets the turkey club in front of me? The turkey club in front of me and he goes, you want avocado? He goes, extra avocado. Oh, fuck yeah. I was going to choke that motherfucker right there in the line. That sounds delicious. Oh, it's disgusting. Because you're at Jersey Mice.

Go to subway and get that shit. And then wait until I see the owners of Jersey Mike. I'm going to make them get that fucking thing, the twins. They weren't there that day. They're not doing fucking benefits with kids or whatever the fuck they do. I don't know you've had bacon on things. Listen, I'm all in for three slices of bacon every morning. I'm one of the only motherfuckers I know.

They used to eat a whole package of Oscar Meyer. the thin cut from the middle type bacon and shit. Don't every once in a while you've got a bad package. You got some hog meat in there. You do. You ever get some hog meat in the fucking bacon? Don't dope that to you once a year. You'll bring it home.

It smells different. They throw a hog in there. Just to fuck it you once a year. Because, you know, sometimes it's an investment. Sometimes you get a good pig. Sometimes you get an old fucking pig. You don't know what the fuck you're eating with that, Oscar Meyer. We think Oscar's on the fucking farm every day,

handpick him, smiling for the cameras. It's Oscar Meyer. It's Meyer to you. Yeah, that motherfucking Jewish somewhere in Australia, counting millions and shit. They send them pictures every day of fucking dead pigs. That's how he gets off and shit. Why are you going to get mixed started on poor fucking Jewish people in Australia? When did Jews come into it?

I don't know. This is what happens in a fucking other. But, no, New Year's, I don't give a fuck. No, I'm talking about bacon. New Year's, I don't give a fuck what you do on New Year's Lisa. You understand. Well, no, we have a podcast. Christmas, you got the...

Christmas is going to be nice. You're going to go over to the... Now, you were the last Christmas. What did you do? No. You were in... You were in Boston, jumping up and down. I was there.

Lee, come home. The snow's coming. No, it's not. There's no stuff. Oh, my God. There's a foot. I made it back. Oh, my God.

I'm going to get back on 10 o'clock. Cog suck. You look, I didn't stab you. And you see, there's a snowstorm coming again, dog. Always. That's why she came here this year. You're doomed. Did you see the Boston's getting killed tomorrow?

Tomorrow or Wednesday? They're going to fucking half. Fuck him. stay home build a fire enjoy your kids gotta get on a fucking plane and go bonnet I hate that shit

it drives me because every year you're gonna get stuck yeah and it's like you know you're gonna get stuck they're gonna steal your luggage this time of the year

they're crazy yeah it's fucking really horrible to the consumer I really think so man I was just thinking about that today like why don't airlines get in trouble

for losing luggage like you're paying $25 extra dollars it's not like it's built into the price anymore they give you $250 isn't that true I don't know If you lose it?

Yeah. Oh, that's he have $1,000 with the clothes and mink jacket. Oh, they totally lose it. Yeah, probably they'll pay you. Maybe $250 for your luggage. Jesus. You got a pound of blowing there? $350.

You know how many smacks and how many dicks you got to suck at $250? You have any fucking idea? I'm just saying, I don't give a fuck. So anyway, back to New Year's. I thought we were on bacon. New Year's, we're going to do a combination podcast, stand-up, extravaganza. He's going to wear a tuxedo. We have a special guest.

I can't get away her name, but anyway. She's going to tick a little. You're not bringing your girlfriend to the New Year show. Yeah. I hope not. For your sake, I don't want her seeing. She can't, I don't know. Yeah, you have to tell her this and stay at home, watch Telamundo.

I'll swing by around 11 o'clock with some fucking donuts. We'll go back to my house and Sukalamink. You know what I'm saying? A little fucking bat juice for you on New Year. Right or wrong? That would be nice. What are you going to do New Year? I don't know.

I don't know. You're going to roll around and get with a little stucca on me, right? That'd be nice. Sure, it's fucking nice. When she comes over to sleep, is there any night you don't give her a stabbing? No.

Sometimes. Get the fuck out of here. You're a dirty little fucking Jew. No, well, it's not because of my choice. It's because, like, she's too tired. Who gets... What? She's too tired?

Sometimes. Wait until that bitch frat passes out, Jack. And you just rubbed that little hamlet on the leg and shit. You give it like the... Oschwitz dick. You give her some. You give her that hot dick a day. You give her some

Osherwit's dick and so. I have to quit now. Fucking. It's hot looking. You didn't even that Auschwitz dick. Jesus. I hope your mother's listening to us. I hope she's wrong. I hope she'll let me come home.

I hope you got this and send it to her email and watch it just steam and shit. Lee, what are you talking about? Oshuit the dick. That's a I never said it. That's your new shirt.

I'm kidding. People wouldn't wear the flying June one, and now they're going to wear one since I'm sweet, sweet Oswald's dick? Sure they would. Ask me about my sweet awesome stick. It's fuck yeah. It's 2015 people open. That's a great button.

Maybe I'll make that as a button. Oh, like the Walmart readers. I got to call Ari. Do it. Ari, I love it. You can call it right now. No, please. I'm too fucking hot a doubt.

I don't even know what Navi's number is. It's programmed in there, I think. I'm gonna fucking some code. Is that his name in your context? Huh? His name is the code. Fucked up. Yeah, me too. Oh, this is only a beginning

for you. I gave you the extra strength of that shit. I know you did. No, I gave you 30 microbes. It's 40. No, because I ate half of it. Yeah, so that means. Half of 80 is 40. I had this on today.

This morning. I had the baby, and I put this on the morning. About 8.30. It took me back for a few minutes. I was like, holy fuck. I still remember the smell of the bar. But, like, why today do you think? Because we've heard this song, however many money has we been doing it.

Yeah, but it was different in the house or something. I used to keep it up. I used to always put it up. played on Mondays at the house. And this morning I was cleaning and shit, I was getting rid of some books in the box and take over the goodwill. And I had this on and I stopped.

I could smell the bar. I could see the darkness when she'd play this because it was as soon as you walked in. What did the bar look like? You've never described it. We went. Well, we went to the outside. Went to the outside. So it was a thing that said,

pizzeria. You stepped up. When you opened that door in those days, you had to close the door and go behind it and there was an alarm box and you had to either press a number or I'd forget it or it was a key it was a key you had to open it and then there was a key

then you had like a minute and a half to do that and then she'd open the door for me she'd turn on the pinball machine she'd turn on the fucking bar the lights the light she turned on the no she turned on the pinball machine

then she turned on the jukebox and then she'd walk to the back with the lights her. She'd check the two doors. She'd come around, she'd pick up the thing to walk behind the bar. She'd put all the fucking lights on, the fans, the air, whatever the fucking heat, the air,

whatever it was needed, you know? And then she'd pop, we'd pop. We'd turn the lights on. I'd go, start fucking stocking the ice machine, the beer, the ice on the beer. What was the bar? It was wood? It was wood. Old-fashioned. The stools

were high. Yeah, were there on tables? I mean, the fucking place was huge, especially the bar area. There was a lot of room to move around. There was a lot of Stanley room around the jukebox. There wasn't a pinball machine. Wasn't a pinball machine yet. It's like bowling. Yeah.

And the pins go up and shit like that. It's one of those things. But what about like tables or? No, no tables. Just a bar that went, turned into an L. Then L over the, there was an L, and there was a TV over the L. And there was a TV over the register, and there was a TV on this site. and always always sports.

Baseball, boxing, you know, football. But that's it. No basketball. Sometimes the news. A lot. After one certain bartender was there, the news. So we'd walk in, do that, turn the lights on. And right off the bat, when I was hitting the ice,

she'd go to the jukebox. And that's the first song she played. And while this was playing, she played again, and then she played the other song she had in the rotation. And like I said, in Beauty and the Beast, those quarters she'd put red lipstick on those. So when the quarter guy came, to empty the machines, he'd give her back those quarters. So it was really weird for years.

I never heard that. So the ones that she used for this song, the Tony Bennett song? For any of the songs on the jukebox. Oh, okay. Her quarters had a red lipstick on them. Okay. So when the guy came to empty the quarters, he'd give her back the ones with the red lipstick on. And they'd give a percentage of the other ones.

Those were hers. Okay. Because she liked to play music. So every time now for years, when I'd see a quarter and there was red lipstick on it, my mother had that quarter in the jukebox. And somebody took a picture of one of those quarters and sent it to me. I think they asked me, yeah, they sent it to a mailbox. It's somewhere in the house.

That's awesome. There's still quarters out there with the red lipstick. They got to be before 1978 for them to be hers. You follow me? Yeah. So it's an old fucking quarter. So that was the scam with the jukebox. back then, and the pinball machine and the pool table.

Okay. There's a pool table? We had a pool table in the back. Oh, cool. From 50-something to 70, they probably had a restaurant back there. But now when you're at a bar. At a stage and bands used to perform. And whenever like a big-time Latin band was in Manhattan,

at the end of their set at night, they'd come over to Jersey and play there. at one in the morning until two and they get some blow and everybody was singing dance so that's the reputation of the bar had once she removed the kitchen then she

the stage was in full effect and then she put a pool table back there so I got good at pool for a while pool was the first thing that I had to detach myself from mentally and physically it was one of my first sporting addictions so much that I would break

pool sticks and throw bottles and caustines and my mother hated my behavior so she got rid of the pool table. That was one of the first things I ever got really fucking hooked on that drove me fucking crazy. Like, if you beat me a pool, oh my God.

And I was probably 9, 10, you know, 11. So I don't really fuck with pool no more. When we go on the road sometimes, we're going to go, you guys want to go to a pool? Oh, I always avoid it. Because it was like a bad thing for me growing up. I used to fucking infuriate me. Because it's like sports and gambling.

When I go to Miami, there's a kid named Martin Perez, that his dad was Batista's driver. And he comes to all my shows. The reason why I met Martin Perez was through a kid, Julie. Julie's dead now. Julie got died from smoking crack and they got really sick. We had all grown up together. Julie was younger than I was.

When we were kids, one day, we were at this bar called Cafe with Indie on 57th and Hudson. It was the summertime, so we both. We're both in half school. We're both probably about 10 or 11. And there was a lot of adults in the bar. And my mom was at the bar and my stepdad was at the bar. One of the dear friends, Machito, was at the bar, who was Julie's dad. And me and Julie got into playing pool, and we got into an argument. And I got so hard. I said things to him. Until this day, I'm really embarrassed about it. Like if I would ever see him now, I would say, hey man, Julie, I love you. grew up together. Remember the time we burnt the tree down by Martin Perez's house, and the people came.

And remember the time we shot pool? I'm really sorry for the things you say. Fifty years later, I don't remember what I said to him. But I remember as we were shooting, I was like fucking trying to, I was furious because he was killing me. He was really good at a pool. I think I beat him at the end. And then we didn't talk for a while as kids, and we became good friends again. And it was all because of pool.

I didn't know that. That's cool. See, we all find that new fucking events. See, what do you think? Every show, I'm going to hit you with. I got to hit you with something different. Saying a little bit more. As I was leaving today, I was looking at Mercy.

Yeah. It was 20 after 7. Terry was watching Frozen on TV with Mercy, and Mercy was giggling. And I was thinking that this is the first time my life I've had, he fear. Like, I have fear, like I have fear. That, you know, it's just our last.

Christmas. You know, my dad only was around for three years with me. You know, in the back of my mind, I'm like, I'm so happy if I make it to four years. But what am I saying? I want to be there until she's fucking 20 until she's 30, you know, I don't want to fucking die when she's fucking 10, you know. But it's amazing. I didn't have that fear when I was younger. I was going to die, and now I have it. I didn't have the fear of not having comedy work. When I was a kid, when I had Jackie, I didn't give a fuck. The last Christmas, I had with Jackie was one of the, if I write a book, this has to go in there because it was one of the toughest things ever to be a man for me. It was to eat shit.

But I did it and got away with it. And I've said this story before when I robbed the Christmas tree place on Christmas, but it wasn't even that. It was the three days that led up to that. The week that led up to that. I was working at a sports betting place. I was making great money. But I was so behind on my attorney bills. Guys, I was giving this attorney.

I mean, I don't know how many fucking checks. Like, every time I got paid on a Wednesday, I gave him half my money. There were some weeks that if I got like $2,000, I had to give them $1,500. And I live off $2.50 a week for two weeks. And you people had hung on, Jesus Christ, God, I didn't cook in those days. I didn't do shit. I worked for a sports betting service. And yes, I made good money.

At that time, it all went to these people and child support and back child support and clothes and more it was just overwhelming like and i and the only way i could see my daughter was to pay these bills that's the only that's how i was getting blackmailed you know so christmas was like on friday and i had to give them money and it's christmas it's their money i had to give them you know so by the time i paid everybody i was left with like you know 300 fucking bucks or something and i was embarrassed as fuck and i had to start stealing me and i lived in boldly and I would go to Toys R Us and I would walk into Toys R Us

and I would take like a helicopter a loud-tallel and kind of counter and I would bring it right up to the counter like a fake return and I'd say I bought this for my son but I lost the receipt and they'd give me 300 Jeffrey bucks and I'd go to work after that

and I'd start fucking buying shit that Jackie needed and then the next day I'd do it again and then from there I go to May DNF and then from there I go to an electronic store I'll never forget what that basement looked like. And I didn't have a treat. I was picking her up Christmas Day at 2 o'clock Lee.

And I did not have a treat. I had a car that was a rental. No, I had a car that belonged to my friends at the deli zone that smelled like a deli. That the headlights didn't work and the left door didn't close. I couldn't see it. My wife couldn't see that car. So I woke up Christmas Day

Now meanwhile the house is packed with toys Packed Packed Pathly There's a Sony Triton There's a bench Where I lifted and used as a dinner table And there's this old, beautiful

fucking couch That must have weighed 10,000 pounds It was beautiful Like an old hippie couch Comfortable as shit But it was made a hard wood And it was like a soft leather Like a purple soft leather

It was tremendous, but that was my living room. And I didn't know what to do with these gifts. I had maybe $13. I'd blown all my money on blow. And it's Christmas morning, it's 9 a.m. and I'm hung over. I got in this fucking silver car. When I get outside, guess what? A foot of snow came down the night before.

I had already shoplifted for three days, but I had to decorate this house with no money. And there's nothing open. And I went and I found. found somewhere. I don't know where that I bought decorations with, like Merry Christmas things and, you know, shit, you put on the bottom of the tree. And then

I had no money left. And I went to Kmart. And there was a tree thing there and I fucking broke in. They didn't have to break it. They said, if you take a tree, put the money in the slit. And I looked in the slit and people had put cash in there.

Like a hundred-something dollars. I took the cash. And I took the worst expensive fucking tree. And I tied it to the top of the car and I fucking left. And I wrote an I-O-U and put it in there. Can you believe how fucking crazy I was? And I went home

and I fixed this place. The tree, you know, how are you supposed to have the stand for the tree? Yeah. And you stick the nails and I didn't have one of those. So I just took the tree decorated and laid it against the wall. That's how fucking poor and how fucked up I was. I didn't have staples for the Merry Christmas

decorations. So I had to pull them all up with fucking duct tape. You know what, Lee? But it was fucking Christmas to me. And I made Christmas with that little girl. The last Christmas me and Jackie had together, that was our Christmas. Everything in that fucking room was stolen.

Everything in that room was stolen. Am I proud of it? Fuck, no, I'm not fucking proud of it. But if you listen to the church, I made her day. Does she know these fucking stories? No. I got to call her up and tell these fucking stories. the next chapter in the fucking book.

I don't ever know what I'm going to do that. But can you believe this, Lee? Like, I just left the house, and my wife already has a tree, and there's gifts under there, and the baby has an idea of the fuck Santa, and she really doesn't give a fuck about him. She knows she's a fat fuck,

with a white beard, with a fucking suit. And she ran from the morning. She kept looking at him at the mall all strange. We took her up there, take a picture with Santa. Yeah. She's like, I don't think so. This just ain't for me. She's turned around and walked away.

We made an excuse to be. power was down over at the fucking Sherman Oak's Gallery or whatever. But you just didn't want to do it? Nah. I don't really like this fucking guy. Trey was trying to egg her on. Come on, Mercer, we got to do this. It's four days from Christmas. She's like, I don't think so.

Fuck you motherfuckers. How close are you to, like, having no control over your life? Like, I feel like she's like six months away from being, like, a full person. She's a full person. I had it this morning. She's a full fucking person. What happened? It was just a dynamite morning, man.

I had some stuff. I had to move around by my wife. I didn't know what data was. She already had plans, so I had to cancel my 11 o'clock. I had to cancel 12 o'clock. I just took mercy. I took it to the park.

I took her to two parks. There was no water, so she couldn't jump around in mud. She played with some fucking dog. I was talking to the owner and the kids. You know, she ran around. And I took her to 7-Eleven. I got some extra milk.

And then I took it to the other fucking park where they got swings and And I found the green tennis ball and I took it to the tennis courts and I locked the fence And I let her go crazy in the tennis court with a fucking bowl And she would throw it over the net and run around And every time she ran around and I go that's That's another 10 minutes of fucking sleepy time right there She must have ran around 80 fucking times She was sweating her face was dirty

A pants were all wet and shit And is she walking with you? Like all in? No, she's in her little back car. Oh, the little car. And I pull her, and I just pull her. So it's a fucking workout for me and a workout for her. Everybody loses.

But it's a good time. That's really fun. Yeah, it's good for me. I get to think. I get to watch her. It's like going fishing. I give her her distance. These are places where I don't have to be on top of her.

It's not the street. It's not a park where there's other kids. I take it to it's a wide open. So, like, there was one situation. I was probably 30 yards from her. There was no dogs running. or anything. I just wanted to get to play by herself and let her know that, you know,

sometimes you being a kid, sometimes you had a good time by yourself. That's how you fucking learn. You learn what you're about, what you're thinking, and I'll watch her, getting involved, then she'll turn around and notice me and smile and go back to it. It's like me interrupting you when you're reading a good book.

You know, it's like me interrupting somebody when they're reading a good fucking book, you know? That's what it looks like when she catches herself looking at dirt and she's rubbing the dirt because it's different from the other dirt because it's got water on it or some squirrel

took a shit on it, you know? It's really interesting to see. That's it. Yeah. No, but it's just like, when I'm out, it's just like it's, I haven't, I haven't, like, been with a kid growing up

when I was old enough to, like, realize what was happening. And every time I see her, she's doing something new. And it's like, it's just, you have to have less and less, like, when she was first born, you never put it down

and now you can like give her more space it's pretty fucking interesting yeah and you turn your back on it you know you know and like if she's towards the fence at the park yeah I'm cool

I look around there's no dogs people running whatever I could deal with them towards the street I gotta be on top of five yards even three yards I gotta be on top of the whole time because she dashes brother

he can't wait to get off that fucking sidewalk So I steer away from that, which is tough. You know, they don't know why you're telling them. They're too. They're a fucking baby. They don't know why they can't go out there with the cars. The cars are doing 90.

I want to run out there with them. They don't know the car fucking sent them to Jupiter. They don't know these little kids. My daughter don't fucking know, you know. It's a car. Yeah, it's a fucking car, but it's doing 90, mercy, you know. They think it's a museum. They're just sitting there.

You'll look out. It's a car. It's a fucking car, right? Go in the weeds. Do something. Go over there in the fucking grass. and roll around. Chase the squirrels.

They chase her back. She runs with this look on her face. Look, they're coming to get me. Like a fucking Japanese guy in a Godzilla movie. It's a fucking squirrel. It's a fucking squirrel, mercy. But she runs up to them with no peanuts. You know, and they come up to her real close.

A lot of people go to that park and feed them fucking... I seen Eddie Pepitone at the park. Him and his family. There's a bunch of people get together and feed the fucking squirrels. So now when you walk that park, the squirrels come out looking for something to eat. You got nothing to eat. They look you. They come up to you.

and they kind of intimidate you. Like, really, they fucking shake you down. Like, what the fuck is the bread? And remember she's a young girl? She don't fucking know. She just looks at them, and they run away. You know, I don't even what the fuck I'm saying. Why did you make me eat that brownie dog?

I was all right. I was reading the Bible and be home with the tambourines. You know me? Fuck the Bible. I don't give a fuck. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Merry Christmas to you, bitches. I hope your Christmas is tremendous.

You deserve. What are you laughing about you? Merry Christmas to you, bitches. That's right. Let me give some shoutouts. Aaron Lopez, thank you very much for the frame and the pictures. You're a great photographer. I'm hanging the frame in Mercy's Room. So thank you very fucking much.

You're a bad motherfucker. Bob and Becky, Lillings, my people from Motherfucking Shite Town. The whole family, sent pictures with the whole family with his shirt on. The mother had a flying Jew shirt. I think he just bought a shirt. The father had a fucking shirt, and the mother had another, the son had another fucking shirt. that's how bad they are. Yeah, and then somebody sent a picture of his kids at the zoo today.

One had your patch and one had my sticker. Sergio Ortega, my main man, and shit. You know, but the whole family, that's a great picture. It was the mother, the dad, and the fucking son. All they needed it was a chick on the floor of a knife in their throat. And they would have made, like, the cover of some magazine. What the fuck is? Do I give the Shepton of you yet?

No. Kenny Strickland, Matt Andrus, Ignatius, Ignatius, 161, the Ortegans down in fucking Disneyland, Mike Lavin, and Dead Squad, Newcastle, and Dead Squad brothers and sisters on the motherfucking area. You know what I'm saying? In the struggle league. What, bitch?

What, what, Lee? What he got tomorrow? Oh, God. I got 2,000 fucking things tomorrow. What do you got tomorrow? This is the... What is it? What are you giggling about?

Look at it. Cocksack. I told you about it a few weeks ago, but tomorrow is a macaroon glass. This is what I got to deal with people. I'm trying to bust this motherfucker out like Soundgarden in 94 and he's going to matter.

Are you driving to Santa Monica? Yeah. Yeah. On a 40-mile joint to learn how to make macaroons. This is I got to deal with people. I'm like a fucking drill sergeant with this fucking mook. He goes to dinner

with six girls. This is I got to deal with. On a train. He goes down to fucking after everything we've been to. That's why I gave you the other because I knew it, but you went down there, I'm very proud of it. You went down and you stood your ground. You didn't, did you get higher after you left here?

Fuck, yeah. I was sitting at the restaurant just like, because it was on the, like, it was high up in the, in downtown. So it was kind of scary. You were just, like, zoned out into, like, space and it was terrifying. And Paul knows at this point that you were high? God, yeah, of course. How much is your sushi bill? Each of us was 60.

So you and Paul over 120? Yeah, I think. With tip. So maybe one, maybe one, 100. Look at Lee and shit drop us. Well, fuck. It was expensive. It was good.

Look at Lee Lee going out there with the freaks and shit with some attorneys. They had the spicy popcorn shrimp. Oh, so good. Come on. What did you get? That? Mezzo soup. No, fuck that.

Fuck that. You got any appetizers? Yeah, I got that. I got a crispy rice with a spicy tuna on top. That was really good. How was that? Really good. What else you got?

Uh, a tuna. roll and oh gosh a hand roll for the first time I make calories probably at least 2000

I would guess what the ham roll tastes like it was good I never had more before but it was good it's good for you

look at you thank you they took a train back or you Uber the back you said we Ubered it back and they took you

to some club it was like the end of law school so they called bar review I thought it was going to be like all of their friends

at like a bar where like you're just drinking and walking around we get there and it's like a club club and people were like on top of each other and it was just it was terrible I think we were there for like 30 minutes and we just looked at each other and we're like no because like people always bumping into you and I was oh it was bad how uncomfortable do you feel in those places I hate I hate I like I like I like I like I was like it was talked there's a difference between bars yeah the clubs or everybody's jumping up and down, boom, boom, boom. Think of the place where you go in there and people missing teeth.

Kenny Rogers on the jukebox. You know, some people drink those fucking, nobody's drinking martinis or fucking De La Vegas, whatever the fuck those Cuban drinks over. With the mojitos, nothing like that. None of that bullshit. People just drinking beer, scotch and soda, regular shit. Yeah. Okay, I like those two.

When I was doing blow, I could tolerate three or four drinks in one of those places. Yeah. In a corner somewhere, nice and quiet. we could talk. I don't want to hear music. I was never, I'm either at a concert, or I'm snorting blow at a bar. I don't want to do both of them. When I'm doing blowing a bar and I'm drinking some fucking cocktails, I don't want no shooting pool either. I don't like the movement. It's too much fucking movement.

I just want to sit in the corner with a TV on and a bartending a couple fucking people. Maybe a jukebox that's playing low music. I don't even give a fuck what they're playing. Neil Diamond, Barbara Stewart. dry sand, it makes no difference to me. I'm going to fucking Jupiter. You understand me? So that's what I went to bars for. Those are the bars I like.

Yeah, me too. Somebody comes in at the end of their shift. They bring in a bunch of meat that's been bitten. Everybody at the bar eats it. They don't give a fuck. They're drinking. It's just a good time bar. That's what I miss from growing up.

I miss those good time bars. You know, those people go to giant games together. They go to Boston growing games together. they do pools around the year, you know, for the Super Bowl. Instead of wasting your time, they go to the bar, and they each have a chili cook off. But they're family, you know, and you go in there. And out of 50 people that are involved in that family,

30 are just drinkers, social drinkers, and 20 of them are full blast alcoholics. But it works. It works. It really does work. I was a part of like two or three of those bars. I was never the cheer-type guy with a mailman. Hey, I don't know.

Rough day. Delivering milk. Go fuck out of here. We're over here delivering kilos. You're worried about a fucking dog biting you. You know, I'm over here with lube stuttering in one fucking ear. With the other guy in the back, Stinky telling me about this fucking UPS career,

dropping off fucking packages of blowing Newark. And this guy's telling me about going on. You know, it's two different fucking worlds. Look at the shape of you. Yeah. I give me 10 milligrams. You all fucking stuff. 40 milligrams.

From the new fucking. Fucking chef and shit. Getting stone for the fucking holidays, going to the Mexican Brudge house. Yeah. So you go over there, you pick her up, you eat the food,

then you bring her back to your house. That'd be nice. And it's over after that. Look at you. And then you got a nice present this year? Huh? You got a nice present? I got her a nice present,

yeah. Good for you. I mean, you're in love. No, I am. I was going to tell, say what it was, but I don't want her.

heard to hear it. She's not going to listen to it. Some people might tweet it. No, what did you get? I don't know. Okay, please don't tweet it. I got, so we've both been losing weight,

and we had to talk like she doesn't like gift cards, but she's been talking every day. Like, she doesn't know none of her clothes fit anymore, she doesn't know what to wear, and she's almost at where she wants to be. So, um, I found out Macy's, well, go with, like, a personal shopper for you for free. get like most Macy's.

And so I got her like a big gift card to Macy's. And I'm going to go with them and they're going to do that and like hopefully get a whole bunch of new clothes. So. Johnny Giff's shop, bro. Oh, no. She gets really good gifts. And I like, I don't want to like. Who gives a good gifts?

She gives good gifts. Oh, she gives good gifts. So, yeah. So I wanted to like give her gifts. Women have patience. My wife's getting shit in the middle. I'm like, what's that? This is your present.

What the fuck? Women have patient things. They look. I go to Macy's tomorrow, get a gift card. She told me she wants a gift card for some other place. I went to some dentist. I got a tooth whitening. I don't know what they got.

And Sunday's her birthday. I don't fucking know, Lee. I just want to, you know, take her out. So I'm going to take her and the baby out Sunday. We've got no babysitter, you know. So it's like a sweep. So there's nothing much I can fucking do. I have a little twitch in my name.

When I did that Twitch, my buddy Darren Regal, got ready. That's his peace. Got rest of his soul. Whenever he'd get coke up, he'd look at you and he'd be talking to him in the middle of the conversation. He'd just tweak his fucking neck. But he'd focus back in on you.

Like, what the hell just happened to you? I'm staring at you one minute. The next minute you're fucking head spinning on your shoulders like a lunatic. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? The church of what's happening now? Fuck football. Fuck Sony. Fuck the investigator.

What's the name of the movie? Who goes up for the interview? I don't give a fuck about none of that shit. Fuck the Koreans. turn their fucking computers off and they got, I don't fucking know. Listen. All these Twitter is how you communicate with you fuckers and iPod. Now, what's

going on with iTunes? If you download a podcast, I'm not going to get it for like eight weeks now. You didn't get the email? No, no, it's just I think the email would just say if you submit a new, to start a new podcast. No, I think it's

I think it's just saying, like, if we wanted to start a new podcast, it would take a lot while to get on to their page. I think that's what it meant. Just fucking check on you. But just, I'll check, but it's an RSS feed,

so it should be fine. What are you doing for New Year's? We're just doing this show and you're staying home. We're doing the show. What about me of stomach? I'm really high. The fuck is wrong. So you're doing this show and you're not taking

Mama dancing to a clubbed? No, I think we're trying to find a bar or something. Trying to find a bar or something. I got to jump on the train and maybe get mugly Death Wish. Huh? I don't want to get. A mug? All right, then.

What are you going to do for the years? Why don't you just get a nice fucking bottle of booze? Get a couple of edibles, dosa, and get, all right, listen to music. What kind of you? Get a Lana D'O'Rei, rub some fucking cream on her feet. You get her a manicure on a pedicure for Christmas again? No. You get her toes smoking so you can sniff those motherfuckers.

It's my little fucking tequitos, those little fucking cute little toes and shit. I don't think so You ever sniffed those motherfuckers No You got up the middle of the night Whack one off on her feet Like a savagely saying You would say that to me all the time

When Ashley was sleeping on my couch She'd be like Just go over and come on her feet You never did and she fucked up and left See? Right now She would have left would come on her feet Nobody would ever know nothing You're fucked up across the board

With that cuck sucker I told you. You could have taken pictures. You could have made a sex tape. But no, you've got to be the fucking only Jew I know with a conscience. 20 million Jews. Not one of them have a conscience.

I ended up with the only Jew. I seen some guy what the fuck are you talking about? You're too nice to be a Jew. What happened? What happened? What's what I do with you? It's a great fucking time.

I love getting stoned with Lee. Just us bullshit without a guess. You people seem to fucking dig it. I don't know why. I love this little fucker. I torment him's life all the time. I told him today. We got to go, he calls me and says, I just need one favor for me. We can't.

Now, all weekend, I had been thinking what we're going to do for Christmas. But yesterday he calls. I need to ask you one favor. I'm doing Christmas Eve with the family. I don't know if we could do a podcast. He was all a little nervous on the phone. Like, you know, and I was with him already. I'm like, I agree with this fucking guy.

I don't want to do no fucking podcast. Well, I don't want to, like, it's like, I don't want to, this is work. But this is nice for you. This is your family away from your family. And this is important. Are you going to go to church with them? No, they don't go to church.

Why not? Why don't you ask them if they want to go to church? Because I don't want to go to church. Why not? Because I'll probably, there's no way you're not going to call me Christmas morning. Let me ask you a question. Let me have a little edible with me. Let me ask you a question.

If you go, if you take an edible, I'll go to church and I'll take 500 more. Oh, no. And we'll do midnight mass. Oh, that's terrible. And then we'll go to the comedy store Thursday. The comedy stood Thursday, right? Christmas night. Okay.

11 o'clock. Let's go down there eating an edible. Maybe there'll be some mushrooms down there. Oh, no. Some chocolate mushrooms. We'll go deeper than the fucking motherfuckerly. So what are you doing for Christmas? One of my cousins.

I'm going to my cousins and his wife's and my other cousins showing up. I think my uncle's showing up. Won't return my calls. He's furious about Thanksgiving. I know my uncle. You know, he's pissed about Thanksgiving. giving that I didn't show with the food over there.

But that's what I'm doing. You know, my wife wants to go over there, she wants Mercy and know her little cousins. They're nice little boys. Did you meet them? I don't think so. Little boys, they're anywhere from like three to seven. But we went to eat dinner with them about two weeks ago.

Mercy had a good time with the boys. So they're cousins, so I'm going to do that with them. And Christmas Day, I haven't decided what I'm going to do. I keep it light, though. too much. This has been a nice little vacation for me. I'm not going to lie, they've been right in the lot. Yeah.

When was the last time you were on the road? December 6th. Wow, that's a long break. I'm home until January 22nd. Destination, Buffalo, motherfucking New York. Then the following week, I'm in Columbus, motherfucking Ohio at the funny bone.

What, Lee, what? Then I'm home for two weeks and I turn around and go to Austin for Valentine's Day. Oh, shit. Then Indianapolis. it's crackers. And that's my first two months, just four weeks in the first two months. Because we're going to work on the podcast,

get different guests, you know, shit like that. Things are happening. Things are cracking. That's it. Keep it light. New Year's doing the 8 o'clock show. People like, why? You know why?

Because I want the same people who think, let's all meet at 7.30, smoke a big fat fucking joint. We'll go inside. I'll get on stage. I'll do anywhere from fucking 25 to 45 minutes. Family style. You know what I'm saying?

Old school style. We'll bring Lee up, we'll do the year and review. And we all go home at 10, fucking 15. We're out of that. That's it. You want to go home and get mama stabbing? If you got to, what are you going to do? You're going to stay out until 2, 3, ducking traffic,

fucking cops pulling you over. It's going to be an Uber all night. Uber's going to triple their fucking rate for the years, right? Probably. Uber's a thieving motherfuckers. I got rid of the thing on my phone. Really? I'm not going to take a fucking Uber.

I got a friend of mine who drives me to the airport for a set rate. I got a little Cuban dude who drives me to Burbank Airport If I need him He's a cab driver He hangs out over by the fucking train station I call him up He's by the house

In three fucking minutes What am I going to do Deal with a fucking Uber for And I got Uber's just cool Because you can do it off your phone Look at me I press a button

And they pick me right up Who gives a fuck I picked my hand up There's ten fucking Arabs Out there With a yellow fucking cattle Pick you up Same difference

Who gives a shit Everybody's just trying to be cool Why Uber Doger's a fuck? Where's your Starbucks and your little tattoo and your glasses? Looking like a fucking philanthropist. I don't even know what that means. A philanthropist.

I just learned that word the other day. I figured I'd drop it on you, motherfucker, as Lee Syed. I don't even know what to do with you no more. Look at the shape of you, Lee. I love it. Who gives a fuck, Lee? This is the eight days of Christmas. This is what it means.

This is what it means. After the 17th, you're doomed. You're doomed to the fucking fifth. It's the only time of the year that you play the rest of the year, good, well, you just shut your mind out for those 10 days. And you do what you really want to do at home in the morning. I'm trying to ride a bunch of shit here so I can ship it off on the 5th. And I've been doing it, Lee.

That's what I've been focusing on. I've been focusing on my knee. I've been focusing on my weight. I've been working out every other day. Because every time I work out back to back, my knee hurts for two or three days. But every time I've been working out every other day, I'm okay. I've been getting good success with it. You don't give a fuck.

You're all over there chiseled up. You're New England. No, I see it. But it's pretty, it's pretty, it's made a big difference in my workout. It's made a big difference in my cardio. I go a little deeper, but I go, I go every other day. It's not bad. Today I walk like a motherfucker with Mercy, so I'm not, you know, I walked.

I mean, like a, I left the house at 10 to 9. I didn't walk. Terry went swimming at 11. She called me at 1220. She goes, that kid must be starving. where are you guys I was just walking with it I walked around the park with it

I walked around the baseball field so then he feels good so I'm trying to rehab everything I'm trying to write a little bit I'm trying to give you some love on the motherfucking podcast but you fucking know what man tonight when I was leaving

I was looking at that little girl and I was thinking about the change in my life without even really trying just thinking about it I was thinking about where my life was when I had Jackie, when she was too, and how I feel now. You know, and how sometimes I get these emails. I always do. I answer the emails today.

And I always get emails from people and they think they're in a rut right now. But sometimes, as long as they're believing, they're going to get better, deep down inside, that whole just passes them, that little part of their life passes them by like it did me, you know? I went through a lot of rough patches. But I don't know, Lee, they went by. It was like just a dark spot in your life. You know, and we all go through them. You go through them.

Everybody goes to them. It's how you handle them, how you come out of those things. But it's so weird how I was looking at that little baby and how much I've changed in 20 fucking years. How your mindset changes, how... How you've changed in the last two years. You think? Yeah.

You see it? Yeah, totally. In which way? Am I not crazy enough of you? No, you're still crazy, but you're crazy and more focused, I feel like. Because I see you doing less and less of the gigs. I know you don't like doing or like the videos or stuff like that. Hanging out.

What do you mean, hang on it? You're more focused. Like, you don't really, when we first started doing Mad Flavors World, before Mad Flavors World, we did a month of two, three nights a weekend. The Ha-ha. you don't do that now I go to the store I got a lot of factory in Long Beach

Yeah but you were at the ha ha for like an hour or two Before you're on Now you get to the store And for 20 minutes before Well the store's always got a problem with parking When I go to the store If you get caught in the fucking store I got caught in the store

Two times the last month Oh yeah because too many people came in Too many people come in And you're waiting Fucking 45 minutes to get on buried Two weeks ago I worried 40 minutes because they couldn't find the dog guy with my keys My car was right there He took the keys on You have no fucking idea

Yeah That's the problem I have When I go down to the store I'm petrified at Laurel Canyon I'm petrified they're getting caught by those cop things Because I don't drink And even though my license is cool The registration is cool

My insurance is cool I still feel there's something wrong I don't want to have any police contact at all You know how you don't have police contact at night Don't be out Don't be out That's it If you don't want to have

Police contact that night Don't be the fuck out You're like Joey You live like a communist I just You never know What could fucking happen So when I'm in Hollywood

Now I don't live in Hollywood I just want to get Over the fucking hill Five weeks ago You and I You picked me up at my house At 7 o'clock

On the Tuesday night We were going to go over Laurel Canyon What happened Traffic? How bad? That's crazy There's a lion over there

And after how long did we turn the fucking car around? Like 30 minutes? And the 405, the 101 was just as bad. Yeah. What happens if I'm coming? What happens if I have to meet you at 6 in the morning? And I come back from the Comedy Store. And as I'm coming up the hill, I get hit by that.

And I go to 101 and it's like that again, too. I got to meet you at 6. It's fucking 12. But guess what? I did my spot at 10. I could have been out of that 10.15. I could have been home. I fucked up, Lee.

You follow me? You don't know what to expect on Laurel King, and especially the 101. If I lived in Hollywood, I'd be at the comedy store every fucking night hanging out. Right now you think so? Right now? Well, maybe five nights a week, I would. It'd be easier for me to get in and out. Okay.

I don't like drive around Laurel Canyon that night. I see out of my fucking left eye. It's not a bad thing that you're more focused. I thought it was a... Well, I get the same result of being out five nights. you've got to get the most for your bang for your buck you've got to get the most out of you after a few years you get to know yourself

but you're scared to fucking experiment everybody's always looking for the answers and books on the internet and you know what you could do if you go out let's say you play the fucking flute and you're in a band but the band only pays you $50 a week at that fucking wedding you're gonna do

but you have a day job that pays you wait 100 how much can you complicate your fucking life and you have insurance and you have a wife and a kid So this band wants you to rehearse five nights a week Plus play one night a fucking week That's six nights a fucking week Okay

For the sake of what Have you not seen your kids If you walking around all day fucking tired So you go to your fucking guy And you go let me ask you a question What do we rehearse Monday and Wednesdays And we do the gig Saturday nights We get the same fucking amount of fucking work that we're doing

We'll just rehearse an extra hour You know, doesn't it make sense? Yeah So that's all I'm trying to do. I paid my dues here. When I came to that, I went out every night for the first fucking seven years. Every night, Lee. I know.

30 spots a month. Every fucking night. There was no nights off or whatever all. That was 20 years ago. If I go out every night now, Lee, I'll die of high blood pressure because I won't get enough sleep. Because what time do I wake up? Four. What if I walk in at two?

What time do I wake up? Six. Okay, then. So we're after three or four months. nights are doing that. Then I got to get on a plane. You know what time my flights leave? Six. What time I got to be at the airport? Four 30. You know? You do that five, six nights a week. You see what happens to your weight. See what happens to your performance on stage. See what happens to the podcast. See what happens to your writing. See what happens to your relationship.

You're walking around tired. So it's the law diminishing returns. I'm not doing nothing right. I do the podcast. I go home now. I still get six, seven hours of fucking sleep. Tomorrow I got two comedy shows. One show starts a fucking tent. I'm going to be out until two or three in the fucking morning tomorrow. Then I get home and I got unwind. So I watch fucking whatever hell for an hour when I drink coffee and write a little bit to unwind.

So whatever time I get home, you've got to give an hour after that for me to fucking fall asleep. So this is what I'm trying to do, Lee. And then I have the baby. The baby is no easy task, you know. She's a 30-pound fucking human kettlebell. I said this a thousand fucking times. She runs, she moves, she talks,

you got to pay attention, got to hold her up, change diapers. You know, it's a tough racket. Let's write a book, plus write comedy, plus deal with you, cocksucker, and try to take you under my wing of life and teach you the right way,

but you're going to have to dinner with six broads and sushi buying. Why do you come here? What do you take from this podcast? Do you not take something from this podcast, you run a cocksucker? Yeah, I mean, I didn't know I was going to be the only guy. You should do.

You got to ask. Oh. Is there going to be other guys there? What do they like? Do they suck dick? Do they fucking like the giants? What do they do? No, there's not going to be any guys.

What am I going down there, Paul? I love you. Listen, here's an extra 50. Drink a couple of saki's and come back in Osaka, and that's it. Come back at about 11, I'll pick up at the train station, and I'll give you a stabbing in the car, Japanese. I'll show up with a sword and the fucking hat. in the Kung Fu fucking guill.

I'm just trying to help you out, dog. It would have been fun, too. You're sitting there. You what? That would have been fun too. Yeah, you're going to sit there with six broads. We've been doing a thousand fucking things. We've got to be delivering a pound to heroin or something.

You're going to sit there with six fucking broads talking. And you sit there and talk about what? Shoes and law and the review? You must have been fucking just a ball of entertainment, do you? He's just sitting there looking at each broad. Yeah. And sticking your friends. fingers and the sushi and the soy sauce

you filthy fuck. This is I got to put up with people. You think my life's fucking easy, so that's why I'm not out. So now when I go out, I try to definitely get two sets. Yeah. That's why I always double team two sets. So Tuesday I got two sets. Saturday got two sets. Thursday, I only got one. I put a call on to the Laugh Factory Hollywood today.

Trying to get a set there, Christmas Day. Oh. So I'll just do two while I'm in the fucking neighborhood. That'd be cool. That's it. That's how you space it out. So I did six sets, two podcasts. I worked out three or four times. I spent two mornings with Mercy. I spent an afternoon with Mercy Terry and Noah's kid.

I wrote a little bit, and everybody's fucking happy. And I got some sleep, and I kept my blood pressure under control. Is that the most important thing in life? Yeah. Being a good friend to yourself. And what the fuck are you talking about here? I don't know. I don't know.

I'll get you out of here. Cock suckers. This guy is so strong. doesn't even know what I'm talking about. And I can't lie to you people. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. If I did, I'm lying to you guys. You know what I'm saying?

Why would I, uh... And my man, Chris Leroy, I want to give him a shout out to. He's a beautiful fucking guy over there from Columbus, Ohio. What are you giggle about? Everything is real in the field, cock suck. And I'm at when you play little league. No. Everything is real in the field.

No, I've no idea what that is. Nobody knows nothing, people. Nobody knows fucking nothing. That's going to be a good week. Trust me. You don't need money. A lot of people get down over this time of the year. Trust me, I used to get so fucking depressed.

Oh my God, Christmas 83, Christmas 84. A bunch of fucking Christmas is 91. I was probably a mess. Oh, my God. And I got to tell you, man, it just passes. After a while, you just stay up. You drink some egg nog. You watch some TV and you wake up in the morning.

It's Christmas Day and you wake up on the morning and it's done. It's done for a fucking year. So my sentiments go out for you. I just hope everybody has a happy Christmas. And that's it. That's all I want for people, Lee, is to have a good time. What's a good time? Do you need to be jet sent with the Kardashians?

Fuck, no, that's for fucking overachievers. I need to do is spend time with three or four your favorite people. He shows up with a dime bag. You show up with some mushrooms. he shows up with some wine there's Christmas Jesus is born somebody's getting fucked

and somebody's getting pregnant and that's the most important thing of a holiday audit audit as usual audit as fucking usual making it happen for you people sales

they do they always have a great fucking sale I don't know if you people noticed Lee mentioned the last week we did a commission report on Alfred Brain and its benefits I did not read it

You're welcome to the fuck. I can lie to you and tell you a bunch of lies and outline it or whatever. When I read it, I'll break it down. It'll take me a few days. It's got a lot of shit going on. I'll tell you the truth. But I know it backs all the statements they make. And I know that somebody wouldn't give you 100% money back guarantee

without even taking the product back if the product wasn't that strong. That commitment along made me take the on the product and made me let them sponsor the show. I like that commitment. I like that. If you try out for brain And you don't like it 100% Send it back

No questions They'll fucking give you a refund right back All right That's a great Guarantee in my eyes You know They don't do that for all their other products But that alone

For their signature product Let's me know they ain't fucking around And they got other products They got the MCT oil They got testosterone Puckin Plus Which upgrades your testosterone Get you a little bit more yolk

Gets that fucking helmet going You got your fucking Shroom Tech Sport your shrews check fucking immune no Ebola You got the hand-forced chocolate cocoa protein You got the assaye vanilla I mean you know you can't lose it on it

I'm not going to sit here and bullshit you and tell you You're going to get great muscles You want to put the best Fucking natural nutrients In your body It starts with fucking audit today Go to audit.com Look and see what they got look at the supplements

I'll get you 10% off today right now the weights and the vests and the fucking battle ropes, I can't help you there. You have to call on it and works nothing out with them. As far as the supplements are concerned, I'm getting you 10% off today. Just do me a favor. It starts with this.

Go to the on the webpage and look. Look at all the opportunities they have there. Invite them and see what you need. You know where your fucking deficiencies are. See what you need. Take a look at that. Order it. Start with the alphabet.

Get the small thing. If you don't like it after that fuck on it. But you're going to love it. You're going to feel sharper. you know, feel like on top of things, like you're ruining shit. If you have something to do it writing or reading, you're going to love it. Give fucking Alphabrain a try. Go on it right now and press what?

Church. Church. C-H. You are C-H. And what do they get? 10% off. Like a motherfucker. Stay on it.

And you get to stay on the program. They mail it directly to your house once a month. You're going to leave. You don't got to reorder. Also, my brother, Dave Foley. I want to thank you for the cards. We got everything the other day. I forgot to bring Lee's card.

I got a rope for you at the house. I got a different Christmas card. Dave Foley, thank you. Thank you for having a great company. You added a little sister street fighter with my main man, Sunny Cheba. Always adding new titles over at iron dragontivy.com. Little big surprise.

You know, it doesn't get no better. I'll tell you what else I like about Iron Dragon TV. Let's say you like martial arts. Let's say you like a genre, like the mafia-type movies. They got them. Let's say you want to look at the... classic all-feature martial arts like Sonny Chiba. They got them.

Let's say you were into modern martial art classics. They fucking got them. Let's say you're into that war when China fought Japan and they're doing it. They fucking got it. Iron Dragon TV gets better every fucking day. Iron Dragon TV.com. I'm sorry. Go to Iron Dragon TV impressing what?

Joey. Joey and get two movies gratis. See what they're about. See what the selection they have. They got a lot of stuff. on there, not just classic martial arts. They just did something with... Jackie Chan.

Jackie Chan. They did have Yip Man series, but they just did something. They have like conditioning shows on there. They have special things from... They have on it videos. On the videos on there. Go to fucking Iron Dragon TV.com. Press in. Joey.

Joey in there. Get two free movies today. You're going to come back and email me and say, we love what they're doing. And wait until you see what they're doing in the future with the 4K TV, correct? Yeah. Tremendous. A little shout out. to hettysigs.com.

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You're the one that wants to quit smoking. You're looking around. What do I do? I get the peppermint gum. Fuck it. Go tough like Rambo. The tougher you go, the more commitment you'll have to stand off the fucking cigarettes. Trust me, cock-suckers.

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They got the vapor pen little mix there. They got the syringe for the juice on the thing. They're not fucking around over there. These guys are a lot more than just goo me sermons and shit. When it comes to dabs, they got blow torches. They got everything. They're lighting people on fire on that fucking website. Old school.

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something breaks, something you don't like. They got a toll free number. You call Dave Direct. You say Uncle Joey said I can call you and you'll take care of my problems. I've had a thousand baby pens get sent to me. I smoke them one time. They're fucking kapits. I'm looking for a number. They got an email. That takes 800 fucking years. With nail the live.com, Dave answers the phone.

There's no customer services, no Arabs. Nothing. This ain't Southwest. This ain't United. There's no computers, all right? I love you guys. I wouldn't turn you on to this shit. So what'd you learn tonight at Lee?

Oh, hold on. Thank you again. On it. Iron Dragon TV. Hit E6.com and nail the line. What'd you learn to learn to you? So much. Did you like what?

Just saying. You don't like cotton? You're not a huge. of bacon on the sandwiches. That's what you learned. Talked for two hours here. We're talking like gentlemen. I love you, buddy.

Thank you for making me laugh all the time. I love you, man. It was tremendous that. I dosed you and you went over to the dinner like a man. I thought you're just going to stop answering the phone when I call, and you're like, we're headed to the train. I'm like this dumb bastard. He's actually dying inside right now.

I'm fucking, but I salute you. I've always told you got balls of steel. Every time I give you an edible I'm like, you're gonna be fine I don't know I'm gonna eat the house I think brisket left It's frozen but yes

You haven't broken into it yet No How long will it take it to de-frost I have no idea You're gonna take a chance Tonight you have to move for some brisket No I stole a Kit Kat today Because I was pissed off at TVS

What'd you do with the Kit Kat? It's at my house You didn't bring it and share it Hell no That's what Christmas is about Stealing the Kit Kat And sharing it You just give me one out of four.

Okay. I'm not going to eat. Who gives a fuck about a kick cat? Your family. I got kick cats at the house left off from Halloween. I haven't looked at them in fucking 18 weeks. I love you, buddy. Don't forget we're going to be New Year's.

Like I said, 8 o'clock show. Get you back out of there by 10.15. If you want to go home or catch a movie or go to a friend's house and sleep and, you know, that's it. If you're into a little key, new year's come over. It's going to be real low key. Trust me, it's not going to be barn-burning music.

People are jumping down. tons of reefer acid bazookas people doing hair no just teasing you just us smoking dope that's it taking pictures fucking around i love you guys have a great monday i'll see you guys wednesday morning at 9 a mbillie's in a call in we're going to discuss uh the uamask part two hopefully i'll get to see it tonight late night i love you mother the you of m how high am i the u of m m m m m muggles Because I love you guys. Have a great night. Be safe. Stay black and beautiful. What do you want to end with?

I don't fucking know, Lee. What do you think? How about ACDC power raids? How about the... How about ACDC? Send City. How about that, Lee? How do you fucking think I end?

We ended in a blaze, Lee. I would blaze with some gone shooting, but fucking... Look at this WebMD. They keep bothering me. Why? They keep bothering me. Leave me alone. What are they telling me? I don't fucking know. They send me recipes.

I want a recipe from fucking WebMD. What kind of recipe? How are like fucking packages and shit like that? Okay. This show is brought to you by Onit. Go to Anit's Coord Church to get 10% off of other supplements like Applebrain and Newmood. Go to Iron Dragon TV and use co-word Joey

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