The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #243 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

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call 1-800 gambler. If not, let's get this fucking party start. It's Monday. Light your nutsack on fire. Uncle Joey's. coming at you, direct. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here.

It was a great week. I'm looking forward to this week. Thank you. I had a good time on your garbage last week and also on Boston Sports. The Irish brothers are fucking tremendous. You know, it was funny when I walked in there. I didn't even know they had the studio turned on.

Yeah, that's what they were saying. I just, yeah, I just sat down and started bullshit with them and started yelling and screaming. And the next thing, you know, I'm like, I didn't fucking know. The next thing, you know, I got a pee. And he's like, and then we'll start it. He goes, we started this motherfucker already.

So, if I offended anybody or anything, I don't know. When I walked in there, I was stoned as fucking hell. I just landed in New York City with the ferry, like one of those pilgrims. And I went over to the side. The Uber was taken too fucking late. I went over to the side. And I burnt one of these fucking tremendous asshole joints with the fucking lava in it. And my fucking eyebrow was almost on fire.

It was tremendous. I got my little taxi cab and I walked into that fucking boss, too sports, an amazing place, great network, great people. Thank you, everybody. The book is doing great because of you guys.

Thank you for spreading the word and thank you for having my back. I also popped my head up on Law & Order last week. It wasn't the role you guys wanted to see me in. But hey, sometimes life mimics art. You know what I'm saying? Or sometimes art mimics life. I was a fucking baker.

That's what I went to prison for. Remember when I went to prison, I became a baker. This time, I didn't even blow up the fucking canolies. Listen, it was people, people gave me shit. They were like, Joey, you were in and out. It was a little scene. Do you think I'd give a fuck? You know, like, people, like, why did you take that role?

It was so small. It's like, guys, there's no role that's too small. There's no small roles. There's only small actors. Somebody told me that one time. When I booked the scene with one, fucking line. I went at there, turned it into five. So you never know. But, uh, listen, man, I like action. You know, you can only sit here so fucking much. I knew there was going to be a

fucking writer strike. And for you guys who don't know what's going on, that's just a writer's strike with the Writers Guild of America. They're striking over, you know, streaming, which has been a fucking problem since it got out. A few people don't know. Listen, it's not just, can you imagine you work all your life, you create a show. You get the show made, and you get no answers. It's like I tell people all the time. And I hope, yeah, and I hope you not mad at me a lot of people. Like, hey, when is the book signing?

I have no fucking idea. They don't tell you nothing. Hey, when is your episode of Law & Order coming out? I don't fucking know. They don't tell you nothing. I didn't know the episode came out until it was after it was on. People, my sister-in-law hit me up to say, I just saw you on Law & Order. And I go, really?

They already played that fucking episode? I thought it was coming out. Yeah, I thought it was coming out in three or four fucking week. So that's, you know, they don't tell you nothing, guys. How many times do I have to tell you? You think they're nice people and they tell you, oh, the movie's coming out here. And they don't tell you nothing. That's why I don't ask.

When I go on a set, that's why I don't ask. I don't say a dick. I worry about what I'm doing. Everybody's worried about when it's coming out. I'm worried about the job and why I'm fucking there. That's the problem. That's the fucking problem. I don't ask stupid fucking questions.

It's like when I was writing. the book. Do you know what the cover is going to be? Do you know what your asshole's going to look like when you're 60? Not really. So what do you bother me for about the cover? We haven't even started writing the fucking book and they already wanted a fucking cover. So everybody always puts the fucking whatever the horse before the egg. I don't know what the expression is. I don't fucking know. But it's like, what the fuck guys? Nobody tells you shit. Okay, nobody tells you shit. I'm doing some TV thing to promote the book I'll tell you when it comes closer

But guess who got it for me? You think the publicity guy got it for me? No. Dino from Uncle Vinny's got it for me. Got me something that they've been Well, we've been calling back and forth. Dino made one call and there I am on the 24th showing up. So guys, please You have no idea about this fucking world.

It's like I have a friend of mine that tortures me constantly about, I need a headshot for a friend of mine. Bitch, there's no more headshots. Well, how come everybody else has headshots? And I have to explain to him that this world became digital. So the biggest fucking failure I ever saw in my life, guys, was the photography business in L.A. You guys got to remember, when I got to L.A., you went to a photographer. He charged you $200 for four reels of shooting, 36 in a reel, I think.

I don't know. Don't quote me on this. then you pay him a deuce okay let me tell you how long for you motherfuckers and like oh my god I can't wait to get headshots get ready for this and they're tough if you're an asshole

can you imagine if you're a fucking sheep because this is the process you have to take the picture then he calls you and he gives you a contact sheet with all your fucking sheets now if you're a sheep you take that and take it to your manager

and your agent and they look at it with a lens with you and then you you pick a headshot with them, and they'll confuse you even more than what you're confused. They'll just tell you, we don't like this one. How come you didn't have a shovel in this one? How come you weren't by the bar, and you're like, shut the fuck up. You weren't fucking there.

And then after that's all said and done, you have to circle the shots, send them back to the photographer. Then he blows it up to you, one size. That's his job. He charges the 20 apiece. So between the agent and the manager, the agent likes three, the other guy wants two, and the other jerk off one street a commercial agent. So right there that's what? That's fucking 140 is fucking headshot

from the photographer. And then after you get those seven headshots, you got to make 300 copies of each for $99. Okay? Yourself. Nobody gives you a dime. These guys that go out there like, yeah, this is why.

And then after you get that headshot, you got to pay actors access $60 to put your headshot on so you can get audition. You got to pay commercial agents Another hundred and something Just to put your picture on there So agents could see it And there is the evolution of a fucking headshot

So before you even get an acting role You should be down 600, 800 bucks If you're a fucking moron Uncle Joey did it my way I got some guy to take a picture of me From fucking the bar From the comedy store The piano guy at the time

Not the guy who died God passed his soul God rest of the soul. But some other Spanish guy that was there on off nights, I had him, he's like, I do headshots for like 25 bucks. Done. He took a picture of me. It's still in the hallway at the comedy store with the glasses.

Yeah, that's the worst headshot in the world, but guess what? I took it. He made me a copy, no 20 bucks. I didn't take it to my agent to get that fucking opinion. Didn't need their fucking opinion because they, what do they know? What do they know? So from there, I took it to the headshot place, and I got, I used to go to a different

with a Chinese guy. He was tremendous. There was a guy, an old guy that had a Chinese girlfriend and he died, a fat guy. But then there was a guy in the corner behind Hoy's Walk, and that motherfucker was my buddy.

And he would make me 100 head shots and 100 business cards for $99. I still got that, well, they evolved. I don't have any more with the fucking glasses on and shit. But, so I started going to him.

And that went on for like five or six years. And then about 15 years. ago. Because this is the science. The science is this. They're sending you out on auditions. So every month, what you do is every three weeks, I would go to the agent's office and stock the headshots myself. So they would remember who I am and they would see me and see how I change over the month. These are strategies that nobody does, guys, just your Uncle Joey back in the day. I would go to my commercial agent once every three weeks and I would go to my theatrical agent. And before you bring them shots, you have to go to Charlie Chan printing

and make 100 resumes, cut them to 8 by 10 by yourself, and then staple them to the back of the fucking headshot. So don't tell me, we don't fucking work, cock suckers. And you do this all yourself. Because if you're stapling headshots, you got no assistant. I never had no fucking assistant. And then you got to buy the yellow envelopes, and guess what? You got to put your rebox on or whatever the fuck you're wearing

and get the walking, because you got to go drop those off in mailboxes. But then they stopped using headshots. The last, I'll never forget about seven years ago, I was talking to some girl, and she goes, my mother, let's do the head shots. First of all, I'm not a good-looking dude. But sometimes if you take 50 pictures of me, there's always going to be one.

They're going to go, Joey, it looks okay. And I'm okay with that. Dog, I paid this lady $400. And there wasn't one good picture of me. And then my buddy came over, I paid him 50, And I got like 10 pictures of him because he knew how to shoot me. You know who you should take good pictures of me?

I tell you the best photographers for Joey Diaz. Felicia Michaels. Felicia Michaels would take pictures of me that I would go, what the fuck? And Troy Conrad. That's why he made the cover of fucking tremendous Troy Conrad. But the picture business is gone.

And people constantly ask you for a fucking headshot and they think I'm lying to them. The headshot business is gone. You know, photography. Listen, when I was growing up, you could still see them in Jersey. You'll go to a fucking little mall or something like that. Portrait. Or was it Olin Mills pictures?

What happened? The Olin Mills pictures? No, the little fucking, the little photography huts. Little kiosk. Yeah, those little kiosk. In fact, I went to a mall today, and I saw it. And I go, wow, it's a jewelry fixing. You know, they fixed jewelry there.

Like, you'd drop it off on Saturday and pick it up on Saturday. Yeah, the photography business kind of fucking, because it all became digital. So when people ask me for a headshot, I'm like, guys, I don't have no fucking headshots. I've looked. I've got maybe like one of the old school ones that are Joshua's brother made for me years ago. And I have another one that I have to save. Like, I just got one of each, you know? Yeah, I got printed.

I'm not going to give that out for fucking, those are my daughter or whatever to fuck, you know. And that's all I. my God, it's fucking crazy. You would go into my house and there would be three boxes of 300 headshots in each, 900 pictures. So it was,

it's really fucking weird how people think that there's a headshot business. There ain't fucking shit. Speaking of headshots, sometimes you've got to be careful where you put your headshot, you know? I went to do barstool sports Tuesday. and it was an 11 o'clock thing

I got out of there like 1230 and I'm like fuck this is perfect because I get to go back to Eden City and get my little steaks on a stick you know me dog I'm a fucking old habits die hard I don't want I didn't even need

Yeah it was so fucking good for 350 apiece They're so fucking delicious These little steaks on the stick I'm like I definitely got to fucking get one of these So I cut through the fair I went to the ferry.

Fucking, when I got on the ferry in North, in Wehawk and to go to the city, I got on the elevator after I parked, and the girl came up from me. She was like, you went to school with my mom. And I go, really? What's your mom's name? And she dropped, and I'm like, fuck.

I didn't just go to school with your mom. I used to fucking drink with your mom. You know, we all hung out in those little kid circles, you know? So I got to talk down on the way over, and then on the way back, there was nobody on the ferry, and I fucking stopped in Union City. There was some fucking homeless lady causing a big fucking problem. She stunk like garlic had died 10 times.

Like, she really died. I caught a whiff of her. But, you know, I still remember being in the third grade and fucking, Sister Anna Banana, not the one I attacked. Sister Anna was a very nice nun. She told me one time that you have to help homeless people from time to time. Like, that wasn't even a homeless epidemic. I didn't even know how we got.

Oh, we were talking about people asking you for money on the street to New York. And she made a comment to me. She goes, you never know. That could be Jesus in disguise. And then when you die and you go to heaven, he could judge you in that same outfit on. That fucking crushed me, bro. How can you turn Jesus down?

You know what I'm saying? Like, even if you don't like fucking God, if Jesus is looking for a quarter, you're like, you know what? Even though I'm Jewish, I'm going to throw him one just in case I need him later on. You know what I'm saying? Even if you're Chinese, you're like, I got to help Jesus.

I got to throw him a dollar. You know, something. I got to give Jesus something. a lighter something, a crack pipe. I just can't let him be because then he's going to come back to me later. So, you know, as dumb as I am, I'm getting my steak on a stick and she comes over. And everybody was looking at her like she had three fucking heads. I could be honestly, I didn't.

You know, I'm a little old. I just looked at her like, Jesus Christ, look what society's doing. I ate my fucking steak on a stick. The guy kind of yelled that one of the guys there told to get away from the car. because she was out stinking the cart and finally as I turned to the car I had like $7 and 80 cents in my pocket from the change because I gave the guy at 20 and I just gave it what I had you know and then I went in the car and I had like another fucking 20 bucks and I came out and I gave it to and I go you know what have a great fucking day you know clean yourself up

a little bit get but but most importantly get something to eat she was talking to two other homeless people that were there eating you know that kind of shit always wears me out But my niece had been calling me for a couple weeks before that saying, hey, Uncle Joey, when are you going to come up and sign my book? I like my niece. I like my niece a lot. The Runny family, I love them a lot, especially these two girls, because their dad was one of the first fucking people that told me that I was dangerous.

It was after I booked co-case, and I was here visiting. I was working some club in Jersey, some fucking shitty club. And he called me up. No, I called them to talk to my sister and the husband. been said to me, Joey, I just watched you on co-case. He goes, I don't give a fuck when anybody tells you, you're pretty good at this shit. And, you know, like I told you that, my friends always are the first people to put me down. Like, don't quit your day job and all that type of shit on the way back from the shows.

He was one of those guys. So for him to say that to me, like, threw me a fucking, you know, he's like, you're going to do well with this. Keep doing it. You know, whatever the fuck. So I always think about them and I call them. Milan. When I lived in L.A., my nieces would come out and we go out to dinner. Now, my older niece is pregnant and Alyssa's just a fucking savage. So I went up to take a, you know, just to see him. They were working the projects. Now, I could have gone to, there was like 80,000 different

voting places I could have gone to, you know, and try to be a big shot. I fucking pulled up with my little Subaru on the projects, you know, and I saw some of the people I hung out with. I saw some of the places I had done drugs as a child. There's a basketball court there, and I remember playing basketball there specifically in 1981 and playing with these group of kids. And in between games, they would snort glue out of a fucking bag. And I'm like, wow, I'm to a different level. Trust me, I was a junkie, too, but I wasn't fucking snorting glue. And what happened was the kid had pills in his sock, like an aluminum foil, so they wouldn't melt or something.

And when we were playing, the pills fell out and somebody picked them up. And he's like threatening everybody if I don't get my pills. so he got so worked up he got a bag of glue and while he's yelling at he's like if I don't get my fucking pill back I'm gonna kill one of these and we're fucking dying

and fucking laughter but that's the first memory oh my God I don't know what he was fucking having but I was like this is this is classic this is what comes back to your memory and I fucking got out

and I drank some water and there were some guys that were working the polls now I'm not political guys by no means and my political, or do I have any political aspirations? I fucking hate it, as a matter of fact. And I hate how people have reacted to politics the last seven years.

Everybody's fucking a political science fucking major now. And everybody don't know dick about dick, including me. So I'm sitting there with my knees were talking. You know, bro, it was a beautiful day in Jersey on Tuesday. Had to hit like 82 fucking degrees. It was just nice to be outside. You know, I had to get back here to take mercy to kill. kickboxing when she's got fucking softball practice or whatever so after a while i got to get out of

here i took some pictures to some people who were there that i knew their parents or i knew them in some shape or form and then they came over to me with a with a banner you know and i go let's take a picture what the now this political system guys since i've been gone is when they grew steam and momentum and they're a great political system but i'm not close at them i'm not close at them how i was with the earlier regimes who were deemed to be criminals and whatnot. But I was too stupid to know. I was just a kid, and they would always keep my basketball court clean. And in my world, that was good enough for me.

So I never really, you know, I knew Mayor Sacco from Lincoln School growing up, great guy while we were growing up. But I don't really, Piscow, Veneery, I know them from growing up, blah, blah, blah, but I didn't really get involved in it or anything. You know, good for them. You know, I'm really happy that they're doing what they're doing. doing so before they left now i know listen i'm not popular with them and i'm not popular up there and that's okay i made my bed and i living in on a daily fucking basis but at the same time i go

fuck it let me take a picture with uh with the banner with my niece i figure people look at it as a joke holy fuck this is why a lot of people need lives and i say this and it's not the best or confident thing to say or the most woke thing to say, but it's about time when people start getting lies back. The pandemic's been over for three fucking years. It's okay to get out of the basement and it's okay to get the fuck off your computer. It really is. It's okay because if you, you know, you really want entertainment. I tell people all the time, if you got a half hour to kill and you really want to see the state of the union, never mind what a president tells you or there's a state of the union address. No, I'm going to,

tell you a real fucking state of the union. What you do is fucking wait to Rogan Post and look at one of his post. The comments? Just read the comments. Besides all the fake shit. Yeah. It's it's

very sad when you read the comments. They're still talking about DMT. They're still talking about... It's because he's getting new followers from everything. No, no, no. But listen, if I'm looking at episode 108, and I know it was shot in 2012, and it's 2023, it is, I didn't know you were so short.

Does it really matter? You know what's taller than him? The stack the $100 bills that he has. So why you think you're making a phone? He's so short. when you're making that comment know that he's got two stacks of money tall than him.

You know, you read these comments and you're like, that's what I do. Sometimes if I'm in a doctor's office or a dentist's office and I'm bored and I don't want to watch fucking the wheel. The time is right, whatever the wheel of fortune, whatever the fuck they're doing on there. Yeah, I just go on,

go on Rogan's Instagram and read the comments. And don't, please read the comments when he cooks something. Hey, it was the food post Oh my God Where was the tattoo of him? A man is cooking

On a fucking $10,000 grill Okay He's, if you know anything about him He's cooking Elk or whatever the fuck he's cooking That he shot 10 minutes ago Or somebody just gave to him And you're talking about

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I was never really a fucking mushroom guy. Let's get something straight. I was always, I grew up in Jersey, guys. You know, I did mescaline, I did acid. I did, you know, fucking all the variable fucking hallucinogenics. But there was no mushrooms in Jersey. They can't grow here in Jersey. I never really experienced mushrooms until 1919.

1983. It was 4th of July weekend, 1983. My roommate went away and left me, I don't know, a bag of mushrooms. I ate half of them. And I remember sitting on a bridge in Snowman's Village and just tripping my balls off, sitting on the bridge looking at the water, the fish jumping out of the fucking water. And I got sick later on.

I got diarrhea. My stomach got really bad. So that was my first experience with him. Would I do them again? They weren't that bad. The taste wasn't so bad. And then I went down to Tempe, Arizona with my buddy, and I smoked some mushrooms, and they weren't too bad. They weren't too fucking bad, you know?

We smoked them in like a big fucking Indian pipe. Like, it was a piece pipe. In fact, I was smoking with some Indians. That's when you know you're fucking right there, when the mother next to you's got a fucking feather. You know what I'm saying? So I never, again, I didn't know much about it. I moved back to Colorado and within about a year. I bumped into a mushroom connection

And I would eat them from time to time But again It was always a stomach issue And I remember one night specifically You know having diarrhea in my snow mass House to one eye housed in that And tripping at the same time And holding onto my knees

Because I thought the plane was going to crash Like when the plane goes down Like hands between your knees Chest and knee Whatever fuck of it you know and I kept I'll never forget this guys I was tripping and I thought I had locked myself in the bathroom door and it became like a jet like I didn't know you know like on people like

oh my god you're supposed to eat one gram listen I'm a fucking gorilla I just took a handful of them they were brittle and dry and I just drank a bunch of fucking water with them so you know that night hit me a little worse than it should have hit me I was holding on to my knees and then I remember remember one point that the toilet flooded because I couldn't stop wiping my ass with the paper. I sat there for like an hour and a half guys. Wiping, wiping, wiping, wiping.

Nothing was coming out. But the mushrooms were telling me, you know, lava was coming out of my ass like a fucking, like those things in Hawaii. And the toilet flooded and the water popped out of the toilet. And I remember sitting on the tub seeing an inch of water hit. This is on fucking mushrooms, guys. And the next thing you know, I'm looking at the toilet paper. but I'm thinking of myself. First, I thought I was going to get electrocuted

because it was floating. And, like, again, guys, you know, I'm half retarded. You should never give a retard mushrooms at that age. And then I kept looking at the paper, the toilet paper, and kept going, hmm, in the middle of all this, I'm going, how many trees that they cut down for me to just to wipe my ass now? You know, I'm not an environmentalist,

but at that point, I became an environmentalist on the fucking mushrooms. I think they got some outdoor juice in them or whatever. And after that guy's, after that experience that night with the bathroom flooding and the trees and the fucking me thinking I was going to crash the plane, there was no reason to do it. It hit me a little bit too hard. And I'll never forget. I had another experience maybe three weeks after that where I went to a trailer. My friend had a trailer.

Mobile home. And a lot of people weren't sleeping. A lot of people were sleeping on his house. It was before a wedding. And he goes, Joey, if you want, you could sleep out there. And I'm like, this motherfucker just saved my life. Because I thought I would have to go back to his house with people in it. And I would have to do Coke in the bathroom all night while his in his in-laws and his grandmother, everybody went in the house.

Now he put me out on the trailer. I can watch TV out there, put my feet up, and I can fucking shit and go to the bathroom all night. And nobody will know what I'm doing. I can be up all fucking night. And I went to this guy's house at the time. And he was a Coke dealer. He had just gotten out of doing time. His wife sold Coke to a cop, and he took the fall.

He was a Mexican dude, and he gave me this Coke. Let me again, you know, when you don't listen to people. I was always one of those people. He's like, Joey, I don't know what they put in this, but this shit, it's fucking strong. And I'm like, yeah, okay. You know, and I didn't snort in town. I waited until I got up to his house in the mountains, and I mingled with his family, and I fucking went out to the goddamn, uh,

I went out to the goddamn RV, whatever it was. And at one point in, I started snort and Coke. And guys, it was like 12 o'clock. I'm drinking Coors Light after Coors Light. I looked at the garbage. There must have been 30 upside down in Coors Light. That's when I could snort Coke and drink. I was probably 30, 31 years old.

It's 4 in the morning that garbage can is fucking filled to the brim with Coors Light. And all of a sudden, I look out into the horizon. You know, it was like the moon was the light. You're outside. It's the mountains. And the way the moon was hitting the fucking thing, I started hallucinating from the speed in the coke.

Something they had put in the coke was making me hallucinate. And I kept seeing guys with ropes like commandos, swing down with their handles and point machine guns at me and then fall into the cloth, into the puff of snow. And I'm like, I can't deal with this. First, I had the mushroom incident because I, clearly remember going, I think it's time

to stop doing fucking drugs because I just saw, I almost crashed a plane in the bathroom when I did the fucking mushrooms and I almost, and I just saw fucking, you know,

commandos, Arnold Schwarzegger was coming down a tree with a bunch of other, and they all had white suits on and white Russian wool hats. I'm like, oh my God,

I'm losing it, I'm losing it. And I'll never forget making a double note going, I've got to give drugs a break, but if you knew anything about me, I was back at it four nights later, so. But over the years, you know, I've eaten them.

Some guy gave me a pound of them, and I had them in the office for a few weeks. Lee ate them and got sick. You know, they were never my big thing. A couple of years ago, people started talking about the therapeutic values of mushrooms and micro-dosing and what else. Again, I don't even know where to start. You know, I was going through my own fucking nightmare,

So I was thinking that maybe if I get my hands on some mushrooms, this shit would work out for me, you know. So I was like, okay, maybe I'll just get some mushrooms, but I didn't know what to start. And then about eight months ago, a friend of mine came over, and he goes, I want you to try this. And he gave me some sillies mushroom gummies. And they were okay.

You know, they did the trick, I guess, you know? And they didn't do anything to me like people described. I have a hard time breathing on them. Like when I eat mushrooms and I go for a long walk, I'm choking on my breath. You know, like it's hard to breathe. Even though On it uses those other mushrooms to help you breathe.

I forget what the Shroom Tech, Shroom Tech immune, Shroom Tech sports. So I'm like, I don't know if I should eat these things. Fast forward to this week. Silly sent me some chocolate bars. They wanted me to try. They're doing it. a chocolate bar. They got a tiramisu and they got a dark chocolate,

you know, tiramisu for the Italians of my neighborhood. And I went and they have other flavors, but I wanted to try the dark chocolate. And, yeah, it's set to eat four pieces. So I had been eating four pieces two nights in a row and nothing had really happened. I didn't even get clarity.

I'm like, I don't know if this chocolate hits different. The next night I showed up with eight pieces. And my daughter have a softball game. and guys I haven't been in touch with God in a long fucking time okay every time you get a eye

you see the devil not this night I was right there with God I was on a softball field the sky couldn't have been any bluer the sun was gone already kind of sort of but there were no clouds in the sky no uh yeah it was no clouds

the sky was just blue and I was watching the picture and my daughter and all the girls on the field and the blue from the sky was like humming and it was just feeling there and I remember just going oh shit

I've entered the motherfucking Teradome and I was as happy as I've been since my mother gave me birth like I was to that point I'm like you don't think it can make me happy and this is me being naked and my mother holding me with two hands

and shaking me like that's how warm I felt and it didn't last for a long time It just felt like that for like 13 minutes. Then I went back into my buzz, and I enjoyed watching the fucking games. And you know what? My Wednesday was great, and my Thursday was great. So last night I ate more fucking pieces.

No, like two night, Friday night. I ate more pieces, and I had some ABX edibles that night to balance them out. Yeah, I ate like 8abx edibles. I ate like 1,600 milligrams. It was Friday, baby. It's militime, bitch. You know, it's milletime. time. We had a great week. Law and Order.

We went audio. Fucking the bookmen on the charts. We got to celebrate. I'm 60. What are you? I'm 60. What do you're going to do? Go out and hang out with chicks and jump up and down. They don't want to see me. So I did the next best thing. I got high and I went to my daughter's softball game. What do you want for me?

That's as good as it gets in my fucking world right now, you know? And I felt bad this week Theo was in town. I really want to go up there. And it was really Wednesday night when I did those mushrooms at the softball game because that was the night. that the game was supposed to... Yeah, I told you, we got a 5.30 game.

I should be out of there by 7. It was a 6.15 game. I didn't get out there to fucking 8 something, and then the parents were talking shit. The mushrooms had me going. And then, to make it fucking even worse, I dropped my daughter home, and it's said to take the 18 North to get into something,

and as soon as I got the 18th, the truck fucking skid. I mean, three miles from me. I saw the smoke and I'd already passed the exit. So now I got stuck there for an hour in 10 minutes until the cops came and pulled the truck and had to go. And instead of pulling the right lane, they started from the left lane. So I was in the right lane stuck for fucking an hour and 10 minutes. Thank God I had gasoline. And thank God I had a fucking one of those.

No, I didn't have no gummies. I had the, I had a joint to tame down the mushroom. I had one of those little joints with the fucking thing. That was enough for me, my friend. So that was my fucking savior. But I felt, you know, listen, guys, I'm a firm believer in energy and follow. Come on, man.

I'm fucking, I get all the way home. I drop my wife and daughter off. I get to get back in the car. The thing takes me away. I've never been before because usually it just tells you to me that pick up the turnpike. And also, there's a truck accident. I drive on the 18

every fucking day for one reason another and all of a sudden I see a fucking truck accident and nobody got hurt or nothing like that it's just something happened with the tires I don't know

I didn't ask the fucking cops I just wanted to get the fuck out of there but it's funny like I always tell people some nights man you just let it go something didn't want you to go there something or something I work off energies a lot

some nights listen they don't want you to go there The other night, my friends invited me to dinner. I knew where I was walking into, I was going to cause a problem because I didn't want to see one of my friends there. The friend that I didn't want to see never shows up to those dinners. Okay? And I know he doesn't want to see me. But the other night, Thursday now I go, you know what?

It's time for me to go up there and meet with these guys. They always invite me to dinner. So what if I have a problem, one of the guys? He's not going to show up anyway. I got home from kickboxing. My daughter's like that. Let's go eat tonight. I'm like, God damn it.

Usually on Thursdays, they just want to go upstairs and watch something that comes on TV and they make something to eat something simple. Not that night. They wanted to go. So now I ended up going with them to get sushi at like 6.15.

I didn't get out of it until like 7.30. By the time I got up north that's 8.30, I'm like, you know what? Something didn't want me to go up there. Next fucking day, I go on Facebook. He was there. They took a picture and he was there. So sometimes I just left,

I let the timing. I don't push things sometimes, you know? If you're not supposed to be there, you get pissed for two minutes, then you go, wow, I went home, got high, and had a Carvel shake, and it was better any time

I would have had with them. So it's just weird how life works itself out. And that's it, motherfuckers. It's Monday to 15th we're at the halfway mark, and it's going to be another fucking great week.

Everything is coming into play and I'm feeling better and everything's working out I don't know what podcast I'm doing this week I think I got to get back on Sickler give them some love and that's it Cox suckers when I get

the book signings in I'll keep you posted but what I think I'm going to do is I'm waiting until I do that TV thing for the 24th and then I should have dates because it'll be a lot easier to announce them on that news 12 so they're wrong I probably

won't get the dates till about the fucking 24th of Mays. But I really want to see you guys. I really want to sign your book. I don't want to do any theaters or any comedy clubs. I don't want to do that. And then should I charge you again for the book? Just come to borders.

I don't care. You bought the book at Barnes & Nobles. Put it under your fucking purse and come in and sign. And we'll get a giggle and you can fucking leave and jump up and down. Besides that, I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. Stay black. Have a great week. And I'll be in touch.

If you need me for anything, go to my page. It's a fin to get in and that's it, cock suckers. I love you at all my heart. Have a great week and I'll see you next week. Tip, Todd, motherfucking Magoo. And now for a word for my goddamn sponsors. All right. Thank you for listening to the joint today, the new and audio joint.

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