The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #244 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: June 1, 2023

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT...   It's Monday, May 15, 2023…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT!  Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This Podcast is also sponsored by FUGI...  Support the show and get 10% off at https://fujisports.com by using code JOEY, DIAZ or CHURCH at checkout.   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:    https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don't forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps #RocketMoney   The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Thursday, June the 1st. The joint is here to talk to you, cock suckers today. But before we start, how about a word from Fuji geese? Let me tell you something. I've been using Fuji geese since I started Jiu-Jitsu. The first Gide game was this heavy fucking thing. Forget it.

They have ultra-lightweight geese that'll change your fucking life. And they're cheap, too. But if you use my code, Joey, Diaz, church, Joey, you get 10% off, all right? So go to Fuji Gee. They got great rash guards. They got great sweatshirts and loaded sweatshirts and anything jiu-jitsu base for you. The joint is also brought to you by my favorite honor.

They were there when we started and they're still there today. That tells you the type of company they are. From the supplements to the kettlebells to the club bells to anything they have to offer. They're workouts. Go to honor.com right now. Check out the website Check out what they have to offer you If you see something you like

Press in fucking church Joey joint And get 10% off your order And start your relationship With honor to make your life stronger I have And it's banned out for me Little by little

Let's get this motherfucker started It's Thursday morning I miss you cock suckers What's happened you bad motherfuckers It's Thursday June the 1st I'm very sorry We haven't been on here

For a few weeks We had a couple holidays, a couple fucking disasters here in our personal lives. Mike was in the hospital for a weekend, and then it was Memorial Day weekend, and then, you know, things just kept getting deeper and deeper. We're all 100 motherfucking percent on a Thursday morning. Everything's been great lately. I've been having a great time. I have not seen the Burt movie or the Sebastian movie yet. I see people already torturing them for no fucking reason.

They should be very proud about their accomplishment. I feel bad. But hey, welcome to the motherfucking movie business. The situation at hand today is us talking about what's going on, what the future is. Basically, a couple weeks ago, and it had nothing to do with anybody. It was just, it's getting rougher to do this. It's getting rough for me to do this. We tried it in the house for a while.

and now, you know, I don't know what happened over the pandemic, but I knew after the pandemic I wasn't the same. And I, listen, some people could tell you whatever the fuck they want. I'll tell you how it is. I just wasn't the same. I could just feel myself pulling away from stand up and everything else. You know, when I moved here, I wanted to take some time to myself. Mike kept calling me and torturing me, that I'm a loser,

that I should do something with my time. so I listened to him I took his lead and I could feel from the first three podcast that I had lost something that it was completely different and I wanted to do something

completely different I just wanted to be like Paul Harvey for you guys who don't know who Paul Harvey is he's a fucking old guy that I grew up on that would have a radio show every day at noontime that spoke about nothing

but it was the most interesting fucking show I ever listened to my life you know and I love what Bill Bird did I love what Theo does by himself you know I wanted to give it a try I thought it would be great

just to come up here and free ball and fucking whatever but it didn't pan out for me guys you know and then a guest I can have Jesus on here you guys don't want them you know what I am like it it's like you know and I understand and I understand

and then everything changed listen man I've been doing this podcast shit now since 2011, when nobody even knew what a fucking podcast was. Like if you get into do a podcast today, you have people that you look up to, well, you know, Rogan's doing this, you know, fucking shale slunners doing this, the bodega boys are doing this. When we got into it, it wasn't like we didn't know nothing. I didn't know if I had interview people, what do you think I fucking came up interviewing people? I'm a criminal. People interviewed me.

You know what I'm saying? Like I never interviewed fucking nobody. So, you know, this is all new to us when we started this in 2011. And again, I'm very grateful for the podcast movement because without the podcast, I would not be here. My career would have been something completely fucking different because I always wanted to have a podcast. I didn't even know what a podcast was. I just wanted the opportunity to tell my story. and that was the great thing about it.

And it was so new and interesting and everybody jumped on it. And we were having a great fucking time. But I had to pull the church when we were doing fucking tremendous. I mean, pulling the church just lets you know where you're at. The church was great. And I was having a great time. Even during the pandemic, we were getting great numbers. Everything was working out.

And once, you know, we were going to change it around. but boom the pandemic happened and I didn't shut it down because I was brain dead then I shut it down because it was time to fucking get the fuck out of there and how to get Lee out of there

and I had to get my friends out of there and look at all the people that left how many people left and really left me Lee and Steve Simone everybody else is treading back there well I wanted to go take a look now I'm doing sets now man you got to stick to your fucking words

sometimes and that's something that that's a different between being a player and being a fucking king. You've got to see certain things and you got to attack them before somebody else lets you know. Like I always said, I've taken great pride and not

have somebody telling me when I've got to leave the room. I've always taken great pride in that. And that's why a couple weeks ago I was like, you know what, man, this thing is not working. We shut it down the audio just to see if we're making a little easier. And it still felt like a struggle to me.

you know, at times. And I just want to be honest with everybody that I think my podcast day is come and gone. But at least I saw it. And at least I don't have to fucking have people tell you, you know, this is over. I mean, I feel it, guys. You know, you have to live a little to have a fucking podcast. I haven't lived the last three years. It's not like I've been on planes or gone to Houston or, you know,

the most interesting thing for me about having a podcast is living your first. fucking life and then reporting on it in a certain way that you could do it whether it's a concert whether it's a movie whatever the fuck you know a golf game i don't give a fuck but uh you know it just wasn't working anymore and for weeks i just sat here and would say to myself why do i keep doing this why do i keep doing it is it the money is it what what is it and then i realized man i'm lot of stories. You know what? I just did something that on paper looks so great, but in reality it was so hard. I just emptied my heart of everything I had in it, like whether it was good or bad or things that made me embarrassed into a fucking book. And then I sat across Mike and Lee and Felicia

and told stories on how, you know, these things affected my life and stuff. Well, it was great for all it lasted but now after the book is out I'm all out of fucking ideas guys I have nothing to compare it to in fact if I don't ever have to tell a story about my fucking past again it would make me so fucking happy like it would make me so fucking happy guys

so in other words yeah I'm kind of over it a little bit I feel bad because I know I got you guys are loyal soldiers and your family at this point listen the people that were soldiers disappeared the people that stuck around, the new people we got. You guys are family, you know, from the Lalingases to the fucking quadrex.

There's tons of names, Sergio Ortega's. I mean, Sergio Otega and me have been together since the fucking beauty and the beast. And we have a relationship, you know, my buddy up in Pittsburgh. It's been a great fucking run, man. But I just don't have the time no more to put into it like I did before. And it makes me realize how much. time I was taken away from my family. You know, when I got into stand-up, I was a lone fucking soldier.

And if you knew anything about me, I wanted to stay a lone soldier for the rest of my life, especially after what I went through. He wants to lose another daughter who wants to, you know, get betrayed by somebody or things don't work out and now you ruin somebody else's life. I never wanted to do these things, but they evolve and they happen. I was speaking to my buddy Carlos this morning, and him and I have similar lives, you know. He was a fuck up. I was a fuck up.

You know, we grew up together. I grew up with his family in his family's house, eating dinner there and hanging out with him. And I don't know, we reconnected maybe 20 years ago to a guy that's got a house and a beautiful backyard with a pool, and he's got dogs and weights back there, and he's got two kids and a beautiful wife. And when him and I are together, I always go to him, hey, we didn't see this. Did you see this? And he's like, not in a million fucking years that we see. You know, when Mike told me he was having kids and stuff, I could see Mike having kids and getting married.

He's a nice guy. He never hit nobody in the head with a stick and never mugged nobody and never broke into somebody's house. But where I was coming from, this was, I mean, I still walk around. I can't believe it. I still walk around and I can't believe that a house Comedy paid for a house I cannot believe that

There was a time comedy couldn't pay for my lunch There was a time that for years I struggled making rent and I was a regular At the store and doing this and doing that And you fucking struggled And you know what Somewhere along the line my luck changed And I got to get out of debt

And you know Just put away money because I knew I wasn't going to stay in California. I never bought anything in California. The only thing I had was a fucking license that told you I lived in California, but I wasn't a member of any of that shit. I always knew that there was no way I was buying house here. I didn't want to die out there. There was no fucking way. And I'm really proud of these things right now today. And I'm on a point in my life guys, I got to be honest with you. Like when somebody calls and they're like, hey man, did you listen to this thing?

I really don't care. It's so sad, guys. You know, it's like I stopped even listening to YouTube. You know, my agent sent me some speakers, and I started listening to my fucking music again. And if not, I'm coming here and put an album on or something, but I couldn't go on YouTube anymore. Just that opening page of,

and I'm like, where are these people coming from with all these videos about Brendan and this guy? and everybody's a bad guy today. And listen, I don't care about that shit, but it's like, it just got old. It just got old, man. You know, I have friends now that call me and talk to me about stand-up,

and I got to be honest here, I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. You know, the only person I talked about stand-up and enjoy it anymore is Lee. I have a great time talking to Lee because I really relate to what he's doing. I like what he's doing. I like the beginnings of comedy.

This shit that happens at the end, I didn't like it at all, guys. I fucking didn't like it at all. It was a little overwhelming and, you know, guys, it's nice to give videos a break. It gets old. We, in our minds, as comedians, we don't know. We start believing what you guys say to us and we start believing that you guys need more videos and you guys need more of this. And after a while, we don't see what we're doing. that we're just becoming Vince Vaughn.

You know, a lot of you just don't know who Vince Vaughan is. I like Vince Vaughn. He was a good actor. But 20 years ago, if you had a movie about black people, you put Vince Vaughan in. If you had a movie about Chinese people, you put Vince Vaughan in. And he just oversaturated himself. It was just a little too much. And now, where do you see Vince Vaughan?

Nowhere. You know, and he's a great actor. He did some great. fucking things but somewhere along the line he was in fucking everything and I don't know guys when I got into the movie business list now my patterns are people like Eddie Murphy and shit Eddie Murphy when he started had the perfect career he did a movie with somebody else he stole the movie then they gave him 48 hours and he stole that fucking movie and then they came back they finally put a ton of money into him and they gave him Beverly Hills cop

and he worked it from there and he worked it from there. But you know what? You don't see Eddie and everything. It's a couple years ago you saw Tiffany Haddish and everything. TV shows, kid stories, whatever. I was happy for her that she was making a ton of fucking loot. But at the same time, I'm like, the more you expose yourself, it's less later. It's less later.

Like, calm it down a little bit. We've lost that. We don't give a fuck. We'll do 22 movies in a year. and expect you to see them all. Fuck you, guy. And you expect me to do eight podcasts and one week and you expect me to do a podcast and one week and feed a list of them all.

You know, it's like a never-ending desperation, you know. It's really funny. Today, later on this afternoon, I have a Zoom with, I'm starting to talk to people about selling them to book rights, you know. And it's so weird that if this would have happened 20 years ago, I couldn't compose myself. I'd be shitting my pants and pissing blood and jumping up and down and snort and coke

and doing so many other things. I know that these meetings I got, and I got about 15 of them, I know that these meetings, I could go into them with a non-desperado attitude, which causes a lot of fucking problems. Not for me, but for them, because I'm not desperate.

I can give a fuck of you by this book or not. I could give a Frenchman's fuck I wrote this just for me to clean my conscience and to get it out there If you bought this you'd make me happy Because you put some income in me And my daughter could go to college But besides that

I mean you know It's not like I'm going in there when I was 40 When I thought it was going to be a death or life situation And that's how you take those meetings Like yeah If I get this Oh my God I can finally breathe You know and you never breathe

It was like when I got the longest yard I was finally going to do this. When I got Spider-Man 2, I was going to do this. When I got this, I was going to do this. When I shot that, and nothing happened. Nothing happened. So now I'm going into these meetings, and I'm not desperate at all. It's like my friend said to him, are you excited about pitching?

I go, to be honest to you, I ain't pitching. They're pitching me. They're going to pitch me. So am I excited and I'm proud? I'm very happy. I'm very happy for Erica. But at the same time, I'm not. going in there like I did when I was 43.

I'm going to go in there and go, hit me. What do you guys want to do? All right, I'll get back to you. Now it's a different situation. If I would have known these things, I would have fucking done these things earlier in my career. But everything came

when it comes, and now you have to deal with it, you know, whatever. Am I looking forward to these meetings? Have you know anything about me, guy? Not really. Just give me the loot. I'm like Biggie's full. Give me the loot.

Give me the loot. If you guys know anything about me, I could care less if they shoot a movie. I could care less if they shoot a TV show. The only thing I want is for them to hold me for like five years. I got like 20 friends that are authors that every book they put out gets optioned. And they get optioned for years,

and they don't hear anything about it because you have to wait for that topic to get hot. And then you publish that book or publish that movie. You've always got it in your vault of things. things. So I'd rather, are you fucking getting me? I don't, you know how.

You know how many fucking, you know how many moons have to be aligned for your TV show or your movie to go? Do you have any fucking ideas? Listen, guys, I know off the top of my hand, I know four comedians that shot

pilots and their shows got picked up and they shot 10, 13 series, 10 episodes, and guess what? They're still waiting for the episodes to go up. All that material guys so there is no expectations out of me i know exactly what i'm getting myself into i'm listening to them and it's very interesting my wife sent me a review the other day she was at work and some one of her co-workers said i i went looking for tremendous and i found this reveal you got to watch this interesting

and my wife watching she sent to me she goes watch this fucking video and there was a guy talking about tremendous and how he was a fan and how he enjoyed the book no he enjoyed the podcast but he enjoyed the book a lot more and he said that he was really happy for me now this guy's not an industry guy this guy was just a guy giving a review he said he was interested he was excited for me because he knew that i could do whatever the fuck i wanted to now he goes if he doesn't want to do a podcast he doesn't have to do a podcast if he wants to write magazine articles. He could write magazine articles. Whatever the fuck he wants to do now, this opened up another door. So when my decision came to stop doing the podcast, it was just to take a breather, just to see what my head is at,

just to see what topic we're going to come back with because this topic ain't fucking working. I'm me comparing my shit that it's not working, guys. I stopped watching the news during the pandemic, So I really are not on top of what's going on in the world. Guys, when I talk to Mike and I talk to Lee, I'll ask them, what's going on out there? And they'll tell me, I don't know what's going on out there. And guys, like I said, I really don't care. At this point in my life, I care about getting healthy. I care about my family.

I care about my friends, you know. I care about Mike and Lee and these guys that were, you know, they're in the struggle like I was. It's excited to see them. Di Agostino and Eric Rocha These guys are young guys That's what my interest goes now Honest to God guys

I could care less about stars or celebrities Or any of that shit And you guys know I'm the worst celebrity in the world For starters I'm not a celebrity But if you people want to call me a celebrity Just note that I'm the worst celebrity in the world I don't have a BMW I don't have a business agent

I don't have a fucking assistant I don't have any of that shit It's me, my balls, and my heart. That's all I fucking ever had. I don't need any of that shit. So what I'm trying to do here is just close the door to see what door opens. That's it. Nobody's saying I'm shutting down anything.

I just want to close one door to see what opens. I want to see what's out there. I want to see what I've been missing. I'm 60. I want a whole new fucking set of rules, man. I want something different in my mind. life. I don't know if it's a podcast. I don't know if it's a movie career. It's none of the above. I just want to be happy. I want to be a good dad now. And that's where I'm at. I fucking love going to Jiu-Jitsu. I get beat up. Yesterday, I got thrown around the room. Two weeks ago, somebody banged my head off the fucking mat. I fucking had a headache for two days. I feel like fucking one of these guys with TRT, whatever, that brain damage is shit. I've been sweating that. But you know what, guys? I have a good time going there.

It's my social life now. I play bocce ball. I enjoy that. It's one night a week. It's fucking 30 minutes with a bunch of old Italians. We're 0 and 3. We scored our... Yeah.

We scored our first two points last night. We're terrible. I'm just trying to have a good time, guys. I didn't do any of this shit growing up. I didn't do any of this shit. And for the last 30 years, I haven't done any of this. Because I always thought comedy was more important. And I was right.

It was important at the time. At that time, when I was 31, it was important for me to tell you motherfuckers to shove your wedding invitation up your asses. And it was important to tell you guys that I wasn't going to some fucking party on a Saturday night

that I had to do a comedy show instead. And those things were important to me at the time. Now, I was at a barbecue Sunday when I got back from the shore, Sunday night. And I was there with my name, who I fucking adore this dude. His name is Steve.

He works in the city and he works nights. And we were having a good time at this barbecue. You know? It was like 6 o'clock. The kids were in the pool. And just some dads were just talking shit. You know, I had a couple fucking bongats in me. And two pieces of the sillies fucking tiramisu, whatever.

And I was just having a good time with him. And he said to me, I got to get ready to go. And I go, where the fuck you're going? It's Labor Day. He goes, I got to go to work tonight. He goes, I didn't work. Last night. And at one point he just looked over him and he goes,

I got to tell you something, I really enjoyed this job 10 years ago. He goes, I fucking hate it now. He goes, I hate having to do this. And I go, what's this? And he goes, leave when I'm having a good time. He goes, I'm sick of doing it. And I go, think of doing that for 30 years. I ain't going to lie to you guys.

Sometimes it's a blessing to get out of a party. You know what I'm saying? Like, sometimes it's good to say, oh, my God, I haven't said at 7.30. Pee-oh! But sometimes you're just having such a good time. You're like, really? I got to fucking get in the car now and go do fucking comedy or something.

I remember a couple fucking last year when I thought I had the comedy bug. I thought I was going to be John Mullaney. And I was doing some warm-up sets that Uncle Vinny is one of my favorite joints. And I just told somebody, like I go, listen. The thing I hate the most about, comedies when I have to do comedy that's when shit happens and then I got to leave at seven o'clock and

it was a beautiful night it was like a June night or something all of a sudden we were outside me and my daughter playing hoops or something and we heard like a ice cream man right and it was fucking mr. softy like I'm like mr softies in this neighborhood I was so fucking excited and the neighbors came out it was like 630 at night all the neighbors came out and we're out there talking and all something my friend came to get me he goes you got to we got to go to uncle vinnies and I remember the same right then and there. I'm going to get in that car, but this is the last time this is happening. I'm not doing this again.

This is what usually happens when you book a date. I'm going to tell you what happened to me this last. This is why, guys, always remember one thing. The universe will give you signs. The universe will give you signs. It always does. If you catch it, good for you. If you don't catch it the first time,

you'll catch it after about three mishaps. After you fucking fall off the scooter and bang your head on the fucking concrete, you'll go society, the universe didn't give me a hint to how to get out of this fucking mess here, you know. I booked the, I booked the fucking book signing last Wednesday

at New Jersey 12 that morning. Vogel theater came out, fucking great place, you know, what's the name of that, in Asbury Park or in Red Bank, I forget what it's called. Anyway, it doesn't fucking matter. They reached out and said,

would you be interested in doing a book signing here? And I said, yes. Let me just tell you a story, guys. And they said, yes. Okay. Within an hour, I had a call from the agents. All right, the ticket's going to be $100. And I go, why $100?

And he goes, because it's a comedy thing. You're going to have to go up there and hire somebody to help you interview you with just a bunch of shit. And I'm like, but the book is $25. He goes, yeah, but right away, was already ticked off. So finally I got them down to 50 buck tickets. I go, I can live on $25 and $25 for the fucking book.

We'll do a book signing, but then they started adding things to this. And I was like, you know what? This doesn't sound fun. Like a picture of cost to this. Right, like this. And next thing, you know, my wife comes to me and she goes, did you book June 8th yet? And I go, no, they're trying to book me on June 8th and another date. I think the 20-something.

And she goes, let me look. She goes, well, you can't do the 8th because you have a fucking, your daughter has a recital. And you can't do the 20 something because it's something else that night. I'm like, fuck. There you go. That's the first sign. I shouldn't be fucking doing book signings and shit. Then I'm in Labor Day.

I'm down the shore Friday. Did anybody expect your phone to ring last Friday? It's fucking Labor Day, okay? So I got up with the girls The families came down We all went to the pool We took a walk around LBI And then we went back

It was on 430 I'm like I'm fucking tired I gotta take a fucking nap I didn't sleep well the night before I fucking Take a little hour nap Friday When I wake up I got a message that says I got a movie

And I'm like what How can I have a movie There's a writer strike And they made it off I thought it was like a dream It said my age agent's name an offer and I'm like what the fuck who made an offer on me there's nothing going on and it's for this uh Kevin James movie Christine Richie you know it's a cons film festival

shoots four weeks I would have six days on it but when does it start shooting the fucking eight so it's like you know guys that's the universe telling me to mind my fucking business and that's the 10th time it's happened this year where I think thought about making plans or something, all of a sudden, it's just not meant to happen. And you could sit there and be upset and whatever, but when something's not meant to go, it's just not meant to go. It's not in the fucking cards. So that's why I'm walking away from that shit.

I, you know, I don't know if I'm going to do the New York thing this fall. I haven't decided yet. Let me give the podcast a breather. Let me give everything a breather. let me clear my head for like 60 fucking days and the worst thing that could happen is I can come back stronger that's the worst thing that could happen guys so listen you bad motherfuckers

I'm not going nowhere and this ain't goodbye I'm just taking a fucking breather and I'm going to take some time to myself and see what I really want to fucking do or what type of podcast I might come back with a tennis podcast I might come back with a podcast about Christianity. I might come back. I don't know.

I don't know, guys. But I can't keep doing what I was doing here to you guys. It's not fair to you guys. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to Mike. It's not fair to anybody. You know, it just wasn't working. And it's nobody's fault.

I took a chance. You know, I took 2,000 chances. I did good on maybe, you know, a thousand, 50 of them. The rest fall apart. That's a percentage, guys. nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to be upset about. I'm going to go home, have a rose beef sandwich, and come back a lot stronger.

Think about what I could do to be a better person, a better podcaster, or if not, I don't know. I don't know. There's got to be something else I could do. If you have any ideas, let me know. If you need to get a hold of me, I'm on Patreon. I think it's going to go down to $5. Just come on board, talk with us, whatever, if you need some advice.

I put some 15-minute audio podcast on there. Nothing too serious. We try to put a movie of the week, and we're going to try to figure out to do some type of book review on the Patreon, because I'm sure a lot of the Patreon people want to ask some questions. And without further ado, motherfuckers, I love you. Have a great fucking June, and I will be in touch of you. Like I said, if you need to get a hold of me, you know what the fucking find me.

Instagram, Facebook. I don't know. You know, Twitch, I don't fucking know. I love you, motherfuckers. Stay black. Have a great summer, and I'll talk to you cocksucker soon. And now for a word, my motherfucking sponsors. Ah, you bad motherfuckers, thank you for being here.

Thank you for all your support over the years. I love you, cock suckers. But most importantly, thank you for understanding. You know, like I said, sometimes you got to close one door to open up another one, and that's what we were. trying to do here. But before we leave, please go to onit.com. The summer's coming. You might need need a little boost of new mood, some fucking alpha brain, the new alpha brain, which is fucking tremendous. I'm about to start another cycle here in like two weeks. Go to honor.com. Look at the

club bath to fucking kettlebells. Listen, I've been with them for 10 years. I love them to death. Anyway, go to, on it. If you see something you like, press and code Joey or church. and get 10% off your order. Also, for health benefits, I love Fuji geese. Fuji geese have been a part of my BJJ career since the fucking beginning. I love them. They're ultra-lightweight. They got medium-weights.

They got rash guards. They're tough. They last. And they're just a nice lightweight geese. Looking through them, I'm going to get your 10% off at Fuji when you use code Joey or church. Again, thank you very much. being a part of this and I'll be in touch you you cock suckers if you need me I'll see you on Patreon stay black