The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #247 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: January 12, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Here is the link to help Toking-Lare out. Thank you for checking it out. http://www.gofundme.com/jv02kw This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  Back To The Hotel - N2Deep I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Dogs - Pink FLoyd Recorded on 01/12/2015

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and the e-cigarettes come in multiple flavors, if that's something you're interested in. Use code word Joey's Church. That's Joey's Church to get 20%. percent off of your order. And go to iron dragontiv.com. Iron Dragon TV is a brand new Roku channel. I just set up my new Roku yesterday.

I finally got rid of cable. I checked out Iron Dragon TV's offering. They have a ton of martial arts movies. Like, I don't think you could ever, if you sat down and watched them, I think it would take a while to get through them. They have all the cool Jackie Chan stuff before he came into America. They're going to have 4K technology. They have the In Man series.

Use code word Joey to get two free rentals. Oh shit. What the fuck? You're asking yourself? It's Monday. It's cold out. Snow's coming down. Whatever.

It don't matter. You're a fucking Marine cocksucker. Wash your fucking nuts. Out of them. And get out there and let these motherfuckers know who's running things. What? Oh shit. What are you going to do?

What are you going to do? Sit there like a fucking mutt. Play that, Lee. Kick that motherfucker. What are you going to do? Sit there. Get up. Write your goals, motherfuckers, for the month, the year, and the week.

And the day! Get up. Get out there. Get the knife. Whatever the fuck of it is. Pallice the blood off it. You're getting some new blood on that motherfuckerucker today. Let's do this.

Have you seen the music video for this? It's fucking crazy. But there's a dude in the background of every shot just like nod in his head. I could do that. That's what black people do. No, he's white. He's a white dude. Whatever.

He's confused. You know what I'm saying? I'm so glad you brought it up. How amazing does it feel putting powder on your nuts? I love it. It's the best feeling. I don't need it as much anymore. I've lost a little bit of weight, but I still have powder.

Sure. You're rough against the jeans and shit. You don't make that noise. It's fucking Monday. It's a beautiful day to be alive. We're back. It's a second week of a year, you know? What the fuck?

What do you need? All they need is you. Just looking on Twitter. Five people got shot at a Chris Brown concert. When the fuck you people, going to realize stay the fuck away from that kiss of death because that's exactly what that motherfucker is he was at my gym for a second he's the kiss of death yeah how the fucking building didn't blow up is beyond me five people chris brown just has this fucking thing even when i see him

i'm like that guy i don't know what the fuck his deal is you know again five i don't know what the fuck the story is but if you bring why would you bring a gun to a chris brown unless you're going to shoot him that's what i'm going to shoot is fucking christ brown right in the fucking neck. What the fuck? It's Monday. You know what I'm saying? You got to start the week off good. I'm not as well as shoot Chris Brown. In the neck? Whatever. Right in that fucking tattoo in a stupid

fucking neck. What's happening you beautiful people? Had a great time Saturday night if you came to the Melrose Improv. Thank you very much. We had a great time. Lee was there with the girlfriend. There are a lot of people there. Yeah, Einstein from 10 Planet Cova City. My man

what the fuck's his name? Reney. Alder. Reney was there. Who else was fucking, I mean, all different tent planet Van Nuys. Oh, he was there? I didn't see him. From GMAQ. I mean, there was just some fucking Renee and Carson. He's probably a Disneyland yesterday.

He said it was raining. He flew in from New York with a girl. He's just like, fuck, I'm going to take a vacation. Yeah, that's how you do it. And then didn't someone else come from, like, Australia and then England? There was some people there. So it was cool. I got stungless fuck.

I ate some stars. We needed a star David this morning. Did you eat at? Of course I did. Don't be bullshit me. I was watching me. You watched me. Like until I stop chewing, you're watching me, but you're not watching me.

I got to watch you like a hawk, sucker. You know, when I do these shows now, I feel different, you know, on stage, and I feel different when I'm there. I got to tell you some, it's a good time for comedy right now. It's a very good time for comedy. If you live in the L.A. area and you've stopped by the comedy store, it's a good time for fucking comedy. You know, at the improv of the other night, it's a good time for comedy. When I'm at the Laugh Factory, it's a great time for comedy, you know. it's something's different it's like the good guys won finally

you're not watching the shit that comedy central puts out and all these other fucking stations put out you know network you're watching the underground shit come out now the shit that people wouldn't talk about and it's all through Twitter and social media and it's coming out on the network now like little extra was just on TV they have always on TV next Friday let me tell you something man right now the funniest guy working is Sebastian Manascalco I haven't seen him recently

A tight, close second is Ari Shafia. I'm telling you this right now, guys. I'm not telling you this is my friend. I'm telling you that material that Ari's thrown right now about Biggie and going to China and taking the shit. It's some of the funniest shit I've ever heard in stand-up. And I'm not telling you guys this. He's my buddy.

I love him to death, but I'm really proud of him. He tore it up in Las Vegas that night with Rogan. I was sitting there going, what the fuck am I going to come up with? Because this guy's killing him. He was killing him. Killing him, kill them, kill them. So, you know, Bill Burr is out there now. I mean, it's just, so his special premiere is Friday night, Ari.

Yeah, I think you can buy it pretty soon on his website. Okay. But, yeah, you could, he said something crazy. Like, he shot like 70 minutes and only 40-something's going to get it on TV. So for five bucks, I'm just going to go and buy it and get the whole 70. That's Friday night on Comedy Central. Yeah, I think it's the 11th or 12th. It's like that night at midnight, so it's a Saturday morning.

No, no, it's not the 12th, and it's Friday. It's Friday, the 16th. Yeah, let me check. And then the 17th, we're doing the Riot. L.A.R.C. Comedy Festival. Right. And I'm doing the show Saturday night with Al Madrigo. I think T.J. Mill and Ari.

And it's called Revenge. The theme is Revenge, which is fucking perfect for me. And then his show comes out that you're on. When is that the following Thursday night? Well, the whole season starts, like eight weeks, I think. Right. I'm on the last one. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm in the last one, obviously.

I'm like a fucking April or something like that, but I don't give a fuck. Hey, listen, man. No. Comedy Central does not even look at me. For Ari to go to Bath to Me with Comedy Central, I own my fucking life, you know. That's a type of kid he is. He just told him from the jump. He's doing it because he was there from the beginning.

It's the 16th at midnight. You got to admire that because the 17th, we're doing a riot festival, whatever the fuck it is. Do you think, do you wish you had been on Comedy Central? Yes. said no, I just didn't like the fact how they shunned me from the beginning, but listen, man, that's the beauty of life. Some people like you and some people don't like.

I never really, it made me work on a different direction. At least I knew that door was closed to me. I don't want to live my life going, ah, maybe. You know, at least I knew that they didn't want to do business with me. It all started when Joe did the demand show and I came out naked running.

They all banned me for that. They kind of like, it was like a silent type band. But then years later, they took a couple of comedy pictures from me. They called me in for a few comedy pictures. And then my name's been thrown around for specials or whatever involvement on midnight and stuff like that.

And they just said no, you know, flat out. So, you know, I hear everything. Yeah, I hear everything. Even when they're working again. You know, this chapter on this thing of revenge when I already called me because we're doing this, it was really weird because it's going on in a weird part of my life. I'm trying to write this book.

And I'm writing a book about the rocket ship when I lived in that rocket ship in 84. And I didn't know until I was writing the chapter about living in a rocket ship in 84. On the way here, I made a left, and I went down that alley, and I saw a guy sleeping outside next to a shopping cart. Yeah. And I kept going. I go, I wonder what if, you know, I said to myself,

I wonder what it feels like tonight to sleep outside. And I go, you know what? I slept outside many a fucking night. I slept outside in a car here in L.A. for about three or four, five months. And in 84. Do you get any sleep when you're sleeping outside? I can't imagine you get any sleep.

It depends how fucked up you are. I see, if you ever been walking, you just see a guy like dropped and you got to walk over him? Like, that guy just got tired and fell. Like, that guy just said, fuck it. You know, yeah, you sleep with one eye. You got money in your pocket. You don't know if somebody's going to run up to you

and stab you while you're sleeping, you know? If I'm walking down the street and I'm a killer and I'm looking to kill somebody, I see a bum. I'm going to shoot him right in the fucking foot, you know, something. He's sleeping. You know, there's no resistance. if I'm a fucking psychotic person, you know?

And just sleeping outside just does something to you. You sleep a few hours, you sleep light. I slept outside when I was a comedian. You know, many of the nights, I had to take a bus somewhere, and there's a four-hour delay with you and do. Hey, you got to fucking sleep. You sit in a bus station, you put your jacket on over your head, you put your money in your front pocket,

you put your hand in there, and you put the bag next to you and try your best. Yeah, but there has to be a difference between my buses coming in four hours, and I got nowhere to go. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. You have nowhere to go and you, you know, you wait for the heat from the sunlight. I mean, I remember being on that fucking rocket ship and doing coke in there.

Like, it's a three-foot, you know. Someone posted a picture of it. I thought it was horizontal. It's vertical. It's vertical. Okay. And it has a couple of different floors and there's a beam in the middle and that's how you get to the top. I would just chill in the middle floor just in case I had a pee or I'd pee off the railing or whatever.

but you had a snort in a three feet. I would actually go in there with booze by myself at night. And then I would hide like a blanket. You know, I'd do dumb shit, you know. But I know what it's like to be outside. And it was November and December in Jersey. I mean, there's snow. There's snow.

It's fucking cold out. So I thought about the rocket ship. You know, I wrote a general thing living in a rocket ship. And I go, nobody wants to read this. You have to describe what you were going through. What it felt like at the end of the night. to not only come down off the Coke and get depressed, but then you're naturally depressed.

You're living in a fucking rocket ship. Yeah. You know, the weight of everything was on top of me. But on that weight was a pain that I had had. Like, I was 21, and I was just sick and tired. Sometimes people just get sick and tired. And I always know I want to leave Jersey, so I came out here to see my uncle.

And I came out to get, you know, listen, life throws curveballs at you. and then people throw a curveball at you, but you know your family's always going to be there. This last Thanksgiving, I've been talking to my uncle since 2009, and this last Thanksgiving, we were going to get together and do Thanksgiving. We had them on the podcast.

We had them on the podcast. And the Monday before Thanksgiving, my cousin called and she said, hey, he doesn't want to do it. He wants to go to a restaurant. And in a way, it helped me out because it got me off the hook. I didn't want to bring the baby down with the turkey in the car and all that.

I think of him. I go, you know what, this is perfect. So he called him next day. He goes, no, I didn't say that. So I said to him, listen, what I'll do is this. We're going to go get to Turkey. We'll eat here. We'll see what you're doing later on. If you don't want to go out with your girlfriend or your son, we'll bring some food down to you. Well, I called him that day, and he goes, no, my son's here. I'm going to be all right. But if you want to stop down later, that's fine, too, with the baby. I go, all right.

So that was the week I had the vertigo. So we went out, we took the baby out. I went back home and I fell asleep. I had verdict. I laid down on it. I called him the next day. He didn't answer the phone. He didn't call me back. I called him a couple times. He didn't call me back, which meant he was pissed off at me.

Christmas Eve, we get invited to my cousin's house, his son's house. He's there, and we're cool, but we're not usual cool. He's not saying much to me. So I can tell he's pissed off over Thanksgiving, which he should have told me directly instead of telling his daughter. He should have told me what was on his mind instead of mentioning it to his daughter that his daughter told me, and I just lost, you know, when somebody let you off the hook, they let you off the phone.

Oh, you don't have to be there Sunday at 6.30. You're like, fine, all of a sudden. They call you back on an hour later and go, no, no, we switched it to 6.30. Fuck you. I already made plans, bitch. You know, so I, you know, maybe he's pissed, whatever. I'm dealing with him. You know, when in time, he won't be pissed.

So I give him a present Christmas Eve. Now when we're there Christmas Eve, I noticed my cousin, the female, is sitting with the kids outside. My cousin's okay. But I can tell there's always something on with it. She's got a fucking husband. husband, a boyfriend that's a cop, and there's always something going on. It's right. I finally couldn't take it him. And I go, I go, you know, Marta, I came up here to be with you. You're sitting the fuck out of here with the, you know, come on in, talk with us. And I go, eat something. And she's

like, well, I might eat with my husband, whatever. My boyfriend, I go, he ain't fucking easy. He's working. Eat some. We're here. You know, we're right in front of you. It's like when you go to get a restaurant somewhere, you go to pick up your order. And there's a fucking person taking your order right in front of you. Put that motherfucker on hold. There's a live body with cash in front of you. Right. That's the guy you talked to first. There's the guy with cash in front of you.

Fuck who's on the phone. If he cared about his food, he'd get his fucking fat ass down here. It's the truth, okay? Fuck that motherfucker. When you're doing customer service, you deal with who's in front of you. Fuck that homo on the fucking phone.

I don't give a fuck about him and his lunch order. Probably wants hummus or some fucking fucked up shit anyway. So, that's the way I go, Marty, you're here with your fucking brothers, your dad, your mom is here,

And we're all in the kitchen eating, and you're, you know. So she got mad at me because I said that. I go, fuck him. Come in here with us, you know. And she got pissed off. And we hung out for another hour and a half. I had a good time with the baby and my cousins. You sure, were playing music and the kids.

And we were laughing. And my cousin's wife. And on the way, I go, good night. And my uncle, like, raises his hand. Like, fuck you. And my cousin raises his other hand. Like, fuck you, you know. All right, I get in the car.

And whatever, I called them both the next day and thanked them. Nobody called me back. And then last Thursday was the baby's birthday. I didn't say nothing. And I get up the next morning I said my cousin wrote something on Facebook. But that was it. I called it back to thank you for acknowledging. Never called me back.

I called it back that night. Never called me back. I didn't even think about it until yesterday or that yesterday, Saturday morning before the improv that, oh, my God, my cousin, my uncle, who was pretty tight with the baby, didn't call. And I go, you know what? I'll tell you in my world. I might have a problem with you, Lee, but I'm still going to give Paul her Christmas present.

Right. You know, whatever's born on between me and you, we'll put that aside. It's her. It's about her. Well, I don't fucking mind not going to be friends with her because you want to be a fucking momo. So I go, you know what, man, this guy has no idea that I've never, ever, ever, ever in my life wanted to kill somebody as bad as I wanted to kill my uncle for what he did to me in 1984. You ever watch two fighters fight And after the fight They beat the fuck out of each other

And they're bleeding Like, like, what's his name? Cotcheck. You know, he's got a glass fucking eye. You think when he sees GSP He wants to hug him and jump up and down? Yeah, they fought and yeah, you got to act like a fucking civilized

So people don't talk about you But deep down on the side He's got a fucking glass eye He hates GSP. That's how I feel. Yeah. Like, we never resolved that situation And what the fuck he was thinking.

I was a 21st. year old kid, you know, my circuitry was all fucked up, Lee, you know. I had dropped my faith in society. I had dropped my faith in religion. I was done. I was done, Lee. So I go, you know what? I know who will help me out.

I know who'll be cool with me, my uncle. He was always there for me growing up. You know, I wasn't the best of person at the time, but it doesn't matter, man. Family's got to take you in, you know. He didn't pick me up at the airport. He didn't answer his phone for days. I finally had to go to the restaurant and hunting down. I remember sleeping out in front of the restaurant spending the whole night

sitting on fucking whatever, Western Boulevard, whatever that. This Vermont Boulevard and all the way in hell down there. And sleeping in front of his restaurant with a duffel bag. Getting up in the morning, the restaurant on me calling his house, spending quarters. In those days, every time the answer machine picked up, you lost the 30 cents. Oh, no. Or the 25 cents.

it was a fucking night medley finally shows up like a three with some fucking chubby Mexican chick with a smile on his face and he's like oh you showed up oh well I can't sleep but you can't sleep in my house but you can sleep upstairs

and he puts me in this liquor room with the smell of mice and rats and you know and then he started telling me things that I really didn't need to know at that age like things about my mother and drugs and how my mother got high when I was inside of her

and just shit that you don't tell somebody. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? You know? Right. And telling me that I would never amount to anything because of the bloodline I came from. And I'm like, this is fucking cruel. Are Hispanic parents a little bit more straight?

I don't know if it's straightforward or cruel than like white parents are or not. I don't want to say white, but that world was a little bit more, they were more reality. I've noticed it. It's not that they're mean. That, I mean, that sounds terrible, but it's, like, they don't pull punches. Like, white parents would never say some of the stuff I've seen.

So he told, I didn't know this until after I made up with him. Yeah. Because his kids told me the story. They're like, when you came to town that time, he called the house. He wasn't living with us then. But he kept calling the house telling us not to answer the phone if you called. Fuck. You know, like, this is my uncle.

This is my blood, you know? So I was not thinking about this. I apologized to him 25 years later for my behavior. But he's never taken me aside and say, hey, man, I was out of line that weekend, too, by the things I said to you. You know, you wouldn't amount to nothing. I mean, when I got on that plane, after we drew guns on each other, and I got on that fucking plane to Jersey, you know, once the smoke cleared, I got furiously. I had realized what it had done to me. I was furiously.

I think I'm one of the testicle testaments. I talk about how I used to call him from prison. Yeah. I'm gonna kill you. To what matali, we're put on it. I mean, this was going back till fucking, I came out here. I was kind of scared.

And then I looked them up once. When I first moved in with Terry, Terry had a yellow page, and I looked up the bar, and I saw it was open, and I called him from Terry's phone, and the number had a machine to it. So I knew he still had the bar.

And I was talking to Marilyn Martinez one day, and I go, Maryland, where's Vermont? And she goes, it's right there in Hollywood, why? And I go, my uncle has a bar at this number. And she goes, hold on, now I have David. And David, her husband was black. You know, he was from Crenshaw. And she goes, yeah, yeah, there's a bar down there.

A Mexican bar, I'd still go, that's my uncle. And I remember going, you know what, if I fail here, I'm the way out of town. I'm going to go ahead and hit him with a fucking two by four. I hit him. And I was dead serious. Lee, I was pissed. But Lee, you get older, you know,

and you listen to people. people and people always say to forgive. And it's like I forgive, but I never forgot. I never really forgot them. And sometimes I'm meeting with him and I want to bring it up. Like, no, what the fuck were you thinking? You know, at that time he had cheated on his wife with some chick and then cheated on that chick with another chick and gotten her pregnant.

The third chick? The third chick. And the kid's around today. And the poor kid, you know, because of his behavior, the poor kid. you could see the kids fucked up too because the mother didn't want. The mother dropped them off one day and said, I don't want this fucking kid.

Oh, no. You know, because it was like, she was a jolted lover. If you're not going to be with me, I don't want this fucking kid. I wanted the kid who were going to be together type deal. Can you imagine that? No.

So that's the hell he lives in, you know, and I explained to my wife yesterday, my wife told him, and she goes, you know what, I didn't really understand the severity of what he had done to you until yesterday. It was horrid, like how I went home after three days. And then I tried to lash out. Yeah, I tried to lash out and rob him and take a gun out on him

because I couldn't take what he was saying to me anymore. What if he said it now? Like, what if he had said it at this age? Would it have affected you as much? No, because I'm confident in who I am. I already know who the fuck I am. At that age, my dad had died at three. My mom had died at 16.

I had an idea. I wasn't fucking stupid. You know what I'm saying? Right. But he said things. I remember out working. He's like, so what do you want to be a bartender? He goes, that's as far as you ever get.

He goes, if you're lucky, you might make a good bartender. I can't see you doing anything else. I said, well, I might want to go to school and be a lawyer. He goes, you can't be a lawyer when you're a criminal. It's not in your blood type. I mean, he just was saying, and at first I was like that girl that's insecure that talks to a pimp, and a pimp tells her. And I was like, this guy's fucking crazy. He's not, he doesn't know anything about me.

I just, I'm on Coke, and I had a bad run of life, and I'm going to get this, you know, and I left there. And the whole point of getting, I think in 84, the whole point of getting out of that fucking rocket ship was to get my shit together, go put a bullet in his fucking head. That was the plan the whole time. But then over the... Do you think any of it is he was just trying to motivate you? Like, did any of it? No, no, not at all. There's a way to motivate people.

there's a way to talk to somebody with love. There's a way to talk to somebody fucked up and then reel him back with love. He just talked to me, fucked up. There was no love. There was nothing. Sometimes your dad would go, Lee, you got to do this. You know, and you feel bad, and he goes, I'm telling you, this is going to be your dad. I love you.

And on the way to the car, you go, you know what? I can't because he's talking to me from the heart. This guy said nothing from the heart. The only thing he threw at me from the heart was hate and this anger and this, you know, resentment. And then the other thing that was more, of that story. My mother had given him money. This is what really shocked me

because I was fucked up on drugs. It was five years later, but my mother had given him a ton of money before she died. I don't know what the terms were or whatever. So I thought when I'd come out of it, he'd go, hey man, your mom gave me money before she died. She gave me $20,000. He was five.

Get your life together. I wouldn't have complained, Lee. I wouldn't have said anything. He didn't even make that effort. You know, so it was just a It was just a fucked up time. I got to talk about revenge. I love revenge.

I've always loved... When Ari first called me with the fucking story, I thought about when I was a kid one night, this buddy mine got hit, and the guy was a lot older than him. We were probably 16, 17, and this guy was in his 20s. I remember him from being like a freshman in high school.

He was a lot older than I was, and he was always a cunt. But he dated a friend, like a girl that I knew. And she was young. Like she was like a sophomore, and he was like a sophomore in college probably, you know. We were probably juniors in high school. And this guy hit a friend of mine. And I go, bro, it would be my honor.

Let's get back at this guy. Regardless of whatever comes back from it. Right. And we set up this thing, and the guy came out, and we hit him with a wiffle ball bat with rocks in it. Oh. We got a ruff ball bat. We cut it, and we put rocks in it.

And then you put a big rock at the end so the rocks don't come out. you throw a little dirt in that motherfucker, you have no idea how hard a a football bat hurts when it's at the rocks. It would probably hurt empty. It burns empty. It burns empty. You get hit with a with a riverball bat 15 times in the neck

or somewhere that the skin's exposed. I just imagine on the back. But with rocks in it? Oh, my God. And that was my favorite revenge story. I've always, I've always daydreamed about revenge. I don't think I ever, the only thing I ever did

was this freaking asshole in high school was pushing me around. He was younger than I was, but he was bigger because I was small. And one day he was messing with me in the gym locker room. I don't remember exactly what he was doing, but I had enough. I was like, I think I was like a junior or a senior, and I just slammed him against some lockers. And we started, it was like the only real fight I've ever been in. We don't think any punches were even thrown. I just remember slamming his head against some lockers.

And I got suspended for a day, but I was so, my mom wasn't even mad. I was so happy. It was the only time I ever did it. You stuck up for yourself. It's weird that people think revenge is, revenge is like for me, revenge isn't just about that. It's like when somebody will go, hey man, fucking, you know, somebody will say to me, you know what, you should make me your partner.

I don't really think Lee's a good partner for you. And I go, okay. And then the podcast will win an award. And I'll see that person. Come here for a second. That's revenge to me. Yeah. That was always my big revenge.

I feel that way now for people who are mean to me in high school. And I'd go on a Facebook and they're still working at the high school job, which is fine. But a little bit I feel like, yeah. Take that bitch. Yeah. Like a couple of them have hit me up. Like they come out to L'A. And they're like, we should hang out.

I'm like, we were never friends in high school. Why am I going to drive all the way to Los Feliz to see you now? I'm fucking no parking. Right. You know, revenge, like for me with my ex-wife, I really wanted a fucking killer. But I knew that if I stuck around and did well, that would hurt her more. You know, she wanted me to either end up dead,

disappear, or go to prison, because that would never have contact with them again. But I kept that. And for me, that was my revenge. It was succeeding at something. So revenge is also something like that, you know? Somebody fires you and says, you're fucking an idiot. Really?

I'm going to go over to your competitor and watch what I do over there. and after about two years you eat their fucking lunch you just call them everything and go how you like me now bitch and hang up or breathe heavy and hang up whatever fuck you do you know I mean that's that was always revenge

for me in a way so when he called me and told me about the topic my dick got hard it was perfect for me yeah but it's just it's kind of weird how you're supposed to like family and there's some people like parents unless they do something terrible I'm always going to be there

for my parents but other than that people make you feel bad if you don't love them or don't have a good relationship with them which in reality it's just you got stuck with them and hopefully you have a good relationship

but you don't have to I get it I get one thing in life that you're not going to get along with everybody okay you can't you can't life's not that easy I wish everybody I bumped into we shook hands and flowers popped up

white birds came out, that's what you want. But unfortunately, some people don't like some people's personalities, some people, you know, don't like how somebody looks. Some people don't like how somebody sounds. You know, I'm guilty of it also. I mean, we're all guilty of it. And we're allowed to, you know, you can't like everything, you know. And sometimes two brothers aren't going to get along.

Right. Sometimes a sibling and a sister and a brother aren't get along for certain reasons, you know. When I see it, you know, for me, it was always my dream to have a brother. So from my world, I don't understand you're not getting along with your brother. And now it's sort of gotten to the point

where we just don't... Not you. I'm not saying you. Oh, no, but yeah, but just for me, I haven't talked to my brother in months. Oh, he called a few weeks ago and we talked about 10 seconds. But we used to, I used to hate him. Like, when I live with them, I hated them.

But now it's just we're in different places. but do you think part of it might have to do, like, I met you when you hadn't been a criminal for years. Do you think part of it is your cousins and your uncle just remember back then? And that's why they're not looking at how you are now? No, no, no, because we got along great. I got a long grade with my uncle has two children

and one a legitimate child. I get along with the kids, all three of them. I've gotten long. In fact, the tightest one I'm with is Marta. She just came to my movie. shooting and see me valiant everything yeah i'm real tight with it okay i just she just took what i said wrong i said it as to get it together she took it as a wrong thing like you know if i came to your house lee and we were all in the kitchen eating your mom your dad family cousins and you're in the

living room watching a football game i'm gonna look at you and go dog are you fucking serious your parents are in the other room come on fuck the score we'll get it later tape it who cares you know that's it if you get insulted by that You know, I can't be, I think there was more going on. Oh, okay. And I didn't know that when I said that to her. And I tried to apologize later, but she walked away from me. So, like I said, I called her the other day after she wished my daughter a happy birthday dog.

I cover the basis. You know, I'm very fortunate. You know, I said it a thousand times. God took my parents, but he showed me the gift of friendship. And I don't believe you have to have a million friends. if you do more power to you, I believe that you could take over the world. I could take over the world with you,

Tom Brady, and a rabbi with a big black dick. You know what I'm saying? A black rabbi or just a rabbi? A white rabbi with a black dick. I could take over the world. I could take over the world in my mind. And I can't, but you guys know what I'm coming from. Yeah.

With a support system, with your good friends, that's all you fucking need. You know, you want to have 50 people at your birthday party, so be it. 15 of them would laughing at you. You know, you really got six or seven motherfuckers in your corner. Your life's mission is to pluck those six out and to move forward like fucking, you know, like fucking a soldier.

That's what you do. If you want to have 50 fucking people, so be it. Then have 50 fucking people. Jesus had 12 and one fucking turned. What makes you fucking think that you're better than fucking Jesus? Right. Okay, because people are going to be your friends, and they're going to be happy with your accomplishments,

maybe what you're not accomplishing. This kind of goes back to the Comedy Central thing. I was saying when you were talking about it, when I was younger, I wanted everyone to like me. And I still, everyone wants people to like them, but it took me a while not to force myself into people who don't want me there. So, like, did any, did you try to get into Comedy Central

and then, like, realize, like, I don't want me there. I know, I know. You know how people treat you, how people react to you. You know, when somebody wants you around. You know, I always get calls from them for a free show, case in Santa Monica on a Saturday at 7, you know, what's wrong with Melrose? What's wrong with the, you know, and I'm, my feelings don't get hurt. It just makes a guy like me want to work a little harder.

You know, when an avenue shuts on you, so many people come out and they go, I can't wait to get into the store, and they get up there, Mitch you don't like them. You could take that two ways. You could take that as I'm done, or you could take that with nobody's not like everybody. Jamie Mossad is going to like me, and I'm going to take what Jamie Mossada office. me and make the best of what I can make of it. If it's one spot a week, that's what I'll do. Oh, shit.

Mitsy don't like me, but the store likes me. The improv likes me. The guy at the improv thinks I'm quirky, and he gives me Tuesdays and Thursdays. That's a start. Small commitments become big commitments. So not everybody's going to dig you, Lee. When you had these jobs you were working at,

you liked everybody in the fucking office? Out of the five people, how many did you really like? How many people would you invite to your home? to watch a New England game, to see you in your natural habitat. Probably none. Okay, then. To be honest, yeah. Yeah, no, no.

You have acquaintances. Everybody has acquaintances. What I'm talking about is four motherfuckers that I could call. Like, I call you at 6 in the morning sometimes. And I go, hey, dog, I'm thinking of doing this. Do I call you the fucking round with you? The interview. No.

I call you to tell you, I love you. I got your back to do something with yourself in the morning. Don't I always beat you up in the moon? Get up. Yeah. What the fuck you're doing? I'm eating back. Get the fuck up.

Go see the sunlight. Those are your friends. Those are your friends. You see how they're doing. With those four people, when my world goes aside right now, every once in a while, you know what I call?

Loops. I've known Loops since I was 16. The first guy ever did blow it. Because no matter what's going on in my life, Lou's always make me giggle a little bit. Even if he just stutters one time. I'm howling. What are you doing?

I'm over here watching the football game. Boom, I'm dying of laughter. Because it hasn't changed. He hasn't changed. He doesn't give a fuck about Brad Pitt. He doesn't give a fuck about Golden Globes, which I put on last night for 10 minutes.

Oh, I didn't even put it on? Let me tell you something. My wife was watching me, and I was in between riding and fucking around, and I went outside the smoke pot on the Orient. I looked at this Korean or whatever, this Asian chick. I'm like, that's Margaret Cho.

So whatever, and the other chick had Margaret Cho up on stage doing a little stunt, acting like the Korean guy dressed in the Korean communist suit. Oh, no. And Margaret Cho, I got to tell you, man, she was pretty good one time.

Really? I watched three minutes of it just to see where they were going. I'm like, who's this? Is this Margaret Cho? I'm a Margaret Cho fan. Is this Margaret Cho fucking Joe? And all of a sudden,

Amy Polo walks away and the other girl and she walks the opposite direction by walking like Hitler. Yeah? And the performers will come right out. She was pretty fucking good. You know, Margaret Cho came out here and got the shaft. You know, like they put her, Greg Haraldo, and Tom Rhodes on TV after Tim Mout.

That's what a lot of people don't remember. I'm old enough, I remember this. That was my developing years, watching Greg Haraldo on. I think it was common law. And then they canceled Tom Rhodes, Greg Haraldo, and they canceled Margaret Cho. Right. I don't know if Margaret Cho's shows lasted. I don't remember, so don't quote me on this.

And you know what, what do you do? When your show gets canceled, what do you do? Do you fucking pack your bags and go home? No, you're still a stand-up. You lost nothing. You took a chance, you know? It's up to you whether or not you continue as an actor or act part-time or fucking do stand-up.

And Margaret Cho kept writing and kept developing and kept fucking around and kept her fan base alive. And Margaret Cho sells some fucking tickets, dog. Still, yeah? Fuck yeah, 2,000 gay people with tattoos will show up at her shows, yell and screaming, smoking rea. I opened for her years ago in Dallas, and I had a fucking phenomenal time. It was mind-boggling the people that come out to see her,

transgender, transvestites, people with wigs on, and they're all fucking dynamite. Everybody's got paupers, and she gets a lot of, like, just, you know, I don't know what they call those people. Gentiles, like emotion, I guess. Gentiles in motion. I like that. Jim.

Gentiles in motion. That's a new fucking watch. That'll be big in about two years. Oh, we're Gentiles in motion. And she was fucking rocking. And I saw how she acted afterward, and I was very, I've always been a fan of hers. Really?

But after I worked with her, I really got there. You see, listen, man, it's not a mind-in-any lab she has. It's what she's doing. I write what she's doing. How much, how much, you have for other comedians? Because I would never think you'd like Margaret Show. Not dislike her, but I wouldn't think she'd beat your speed.

I know who's bringing the funk, and I know who's faking it. Because for years, I did it. You follow me? Not as a comic, but as a human being. So I know who's bringing the funk, and I know who's faking it. You know, 20 years from now, you just watch the comic on Club MTV, VH1. When they had stand-up, you watched them on. and whatever evening at the improv was on, and you watched them on HBO.

And that's it. You knew nothing about the comic. You liked them. There was maybe, I don't know, how many comedy clubs. He came to your town. You went down there. Some of them came out and spoke to you.

Some of them didn't. Now it's about the complete package. But for me, it's always been about the complete package. You don't know how many time when I started the fans of comic. I was a fan of a lot of comics until I got to meet them.

And it's like anything else. You know, it's like anything else in life. Once you see behind the curtain. So it's a natural reaction. How many comics do I have respect for? First off, I have respect for people like Bill Burr, who was also on a big time show and got canceled. Because it's not getting canceled.

It's what you do with getting canceled. You're going to have a thousand road bumps in any fucking career. Whether it's painting or fruit stand or fishing, it's going to be fucking shit. Last night I'm trying to be. write this book and I'm like this is the most frustrating fucking thing I've ever done. This and fucking jujitsu are just mind-boggling, how fucking frustrating they are. But stand-up was probably really frustrating for me.

And I know it was for a fact because I know how I remember wanting to get forward and not Joe Perez. You know what Joe Perez is? The young comic out here? Yeah, he's great. I love Joe Perez. And Joe Perez is a young guy. I listen to the podcast.

and he got interested in comedy, and I guess he's from Long Beach, but his father was in the Valley, and he heard us, and he came to visit his father, and he saw the ha-ha, and he saw all the places that we speak about, and he came up here, and he moved up here, and he signed up for college at Valley College, and he's taking classes, and he goes to the ha-ha, and he does the open mic, and he does all the right things. But he's stuck. He's fucking stuck.

He wrote me an email. Do I want to see him go? Not really. Like leave? Like leave to go back to Long Beach? Because he misses his family. You know, over here he's struggling. He'd go to Long Beach and, you know, sleep in his own bed

and probably have a job and have a car and have rides to different places. I don't know. I don't know. He had a car that night at the Ice House at New Year's, right? I think so. I love Joe. The other problem with Joe is I haven't had much time to spend with him as a comic. don't go out that much. The family, the podcast, this is toughly. This is a tough jiggle trying to

write, trying to stay healthy, just all these little fucking things. It gets tough for you, you know? Right. And I haven't, but when I see him, he's a great kid. He's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's receptive, we've had some edibles together with him. He's very nice, yeah. I want to eat another star. Another one, no. All right. You don't want to start the month, it's fucking Monday. Yeah. So I wrote back in the email that, you know, I understand, but He didn't fail. He came out here, he looked, and now he knows what he has to do.

And Long Beach isn't far away. No. Yeah. And there's open mics everywhere, or you create open mics. I can't get an email from Iowa going, I want to be a comic, but there's no open mics.

Well, you know what? Everybody likes money, fucko. Get up, get a fucking piece of paper, write out a plan for your open mic, write out what you're going to charge, and go to a bar and go, we want to charge $3 on Wednesday night. We're going to get $10.

people here in the beginning, but I want to do it every Wednesday from 8 to 10. And after a year it'll grow, and guess what else will happen? I'll grow as a comedian. I'll grow as a theater artist. I'll grow as whatever. Even if I just go up there and do fucking Shakespeare. You know, one scene from Shakespeare by

myself, whatever. But it must be, even though you haven't got to hang out with Joe, it's kind of like as a comedian you've been there, you can relate to him and you can talk about certain things. Listen, if you write to me and you tell me, and you tell me you install anolium? Yeah.

And you're stuck in your life? I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you should sell Italian fucking an oil. I know about little things about anolium. But if you come to me and you look me in the eye, you talk to me about comedy, I know exactly where you're at because I could tell from your feel, from your voice, from the pain when you're talking to me.

We all have that pain, but it lessens. You know, we're all trying to kill that pain, but it lessens the better you get at this, or the more you achieve your goals, or the easier life becomes. the pain goes down. He's 20, 19, 20. He could move to fucking Long Beach

and do comedy in front of a mirror for five years and come back here when he's 25 and still be a killer. Yeah. Do you follow me? Yeah. So what? This is a little hard for him now,

and it's going to be hard. Listen, man, what a story that a lot of people don't know is I went to New York in 1994 as a comic. From Boulder. When I went to New York, it was for various reasons. It was for one to give my relationship space.

Number two, I had a friend who was going to help me. But number three was the purpose of getting better at stand-up. You know how much effort I put into it? Not too much. I put in just enough for Joey Diaz at the time. And guess what happened, Lee? I failed. But I didn't fail.

I got to understand what I had to do to take it to the next level. Now I had a decision to make. Now I had a decision to make. You know, somebody told me that child went to college and didn't like, it was too hard for them. And I had had a conversation with this parent years ago and said, don't send him to college. Whatever the fuck he wants to do,

make him go down there a few days a week and see what these motherfuckers are really doing before he signs up for this. Right. He never did that. So they spent all this money in this fucking college, got him out there, and the kid came home. Because it was too rough for him.

He didn't know if this is what he wanted to do. You know, that kid feels like shit now. their parents feel like fucking shit now but he didn't fail he came home he had a rose beef sandwich and you're going to set a plan it's just like goals or writing a plan you got your ass kick for what

you're going to get your ass kick every fucking day of your normal life fucks you up some way or another you drive over a fucking bottle you get a flat tie what are you going to do you're going to tap out no you get the fucking tire fixed and you go to work and tell him to go fuck himself Where's Tony Bennett here?

It's a beautiful day to be alive. Monday, January 12th. If you didn't achieve your goal last week, you'll achieve it this week. Last week, I wrote down, I was going to two jujitsu's. Monday, I went to 10th planet. Wednesday, I went to fucking Higgin. If you don't write it, it ain't going to happen. Oh, shit.

How are you feeling, buddy? I'm pretty fucked up. Are you fucked up? You ready for another star debt? No, a joint one star. Somebody twice as smart as I'm a somebody who will swear to be true as you were fucked up on you were fucked up on Saturday but and then you were sick but you still went outside I was surprised.

Like, I was, like, not that you, like, you, because you always talk to people, but you were standing in the rain, and, like, you had a cold. Listen, bro. What are you going to do? These people come from Australia. They come from fucking Lancaster. They come from all over. They got to have a few drinks and drive home with DUI alerts everywhere.

I got to give them a hug. I got to take a picture. You know? If they're willing to take a picture with a guy that's fucking leaking from his nose, I got to give him a fucking hug. Right. They made the effort. They made the effort.

They drove down. It's time for another star. Are you really popping another star? Fuck yeah. It's Monday. It's January 12th. I got goals. I got a right today.

I don't know if I'm going to work out because it's shitty out. I'm still going to give my lungs another break. I don't have much today, brother. Maybe we go get a state time. Greg and Lynn gave us that fucking thing from Ruth Chris. I want to send him love again. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What? that's a vitamin for Uncle Joey I just popped a vitamin Some people pop a one a day That's my fucking one of then Except it's not one a day It's one every 30 minutes

What are you gonna do? You know what I'm saying? You gotta get to the goal Regardless of what your goal is It's Monday What are you gonna do? Paula was so full Because you gave me one on Saturday

And she just kept looking at me She's like, are you high yet? Because she's never done it So she was like kind of interested She's like you're high yet And she started giggling a little bit And said no not not yet And then like

I think you were going off about something crazy at the show and I just started dying and she started looking at me and she just she was like oh it's a weird She put two into together Yeah yeah because you start giggling My wife always knows when I'm fucking giggling

Fucked up There was a cat fight this morning And I go out there Fidel standing there in the middle of it So he's back Oh good People keep asking me Thank you for all the Fidel warm wishes out there

He's doing great man He's a good cat And I'm happy I still haven't got the fucking bill From the vet Oh no Do you have a man in the middle of the middle of insurance? I got every type of insurance when it comes to those fucking cats. You need it, dog.

Those fucking cats. You just take it. But I got, you know what? I got a pretty affordable vet. I got a good guy in Studio City. He takes good care of me. V-MAC or something like that. That's your judici place? No, VMAC or something, I think it is. I don't know. They were really good to my wife and they were good to me and they, they like Fidel. I have a couple. I have a lady Jill who works at a pet place over here. And I go, over there and see her from vitamins and stuff. I have a few people. They know, you know, I take care of their cats and shit on the block.

You know, Jill lives down the corner from me. But she's got Biggie. That's her cat. Biggie lives outside. Okay. And the, Smokey, he's like a great cat. His friend, yeah. His Gumba.

And they're always by my house chilling and shit. So she's like, thank you for, and it's, I love having an animal community. I love Millie. I love the, the Rotwit. Weiler up the corner. The black guy with the pit bull that wouldn't put him on the leash move, that somebody gave him a ticket. Something happened with him because I don't see him anymore.

Oh, okay. He was a big scumbag. But besides that, we still have a lot of nice people in the neighborhood. There's a tall blonde with a German shepherd that he's fucking beautiful. She's beautiful, but you want to see the dog. Oh, really? That's crazy. Like, she's tall, lanky, really sweet, but you see the dog and he jumps on you.

He always nibbles on your hand and the shit a little bit. I love him. I love him. So I'm sorry, I get emotional. I'm happy that cat's good. As we've been talking about, I went to see a doctor last week. I have a really good cardiologist, whatever the heart doctor is.

He's a friend. I got to, I didn't go to him because I had a bad heart. I went to him because it was a bad EKG reading. And we ended up becoming friends. And we spoke, you know, we speak once a month, and he talks about my way, and he talks to me about new breakthroughs. He's a good guy, Dr. Soleimani. And he once, about three years, maybe four years ago, he referred a gastric bypass to me.

And I told him he was crazy. And he offered to give me a cost, you know. And he was just really nice to me. And I said, you know what, if you're willing to do that, I have to work out on my end. So I went to weight watches, and I lost 100 pounds. And we've always kept in touch. I go see him twice a year, and he does my blood pressure. But the last two times he's been really concerned with my blood pressure.

And he's mentioned it again. He's like, you should go. But, well, my mind. And I thought about it. And I went to New York and I bumped into Lisa Lampinelli. And she told me after again, Lafini died that it was big, that a lot of people at 50 were doing it because you just, you know, you just don't. It's just virtually impossible.

How hard is it to lose weight when you're at your age right now? I do it. I do it. But I don't do it at the rate I want to do it. I see you sometimes. And you're like, I can't believe I'm stuck here. I'm in the same boat sometimes. It was dropping a lot easier with the weight watch.

Now I'm doing more, and it seems like it's not coming off. You know, and I've been doing my fitness, which I love. I think it's fucking great, you know. It's great, but it's, and we were talking about it earlier, you could have 23 great hours, but anything after 9 or 10 o'clock, it's never, you're not going to lose it. I got to be honest with you guys. Thursday, I did a tremendous kettlebell session or Friday.

It was shitty out. Friday. I didn't have to do anything Friday. Friday night. It was shitty hot. It was like 5 o'clock. It was cloudy. I went over there. I must have did 10 sets of swings. I was breathing right. I had two great workouts last week, you know. But the kettlebell, I had two weight workouts that were great. I had a barbell workout workout when I rode the bike on Sunday. Monday, I went to Jiu-Jitsu with Tuesday. I took off. Wednesday. I went to J-Jitsu with Hedgin. And Friday I did the kettlebells. I was sore Thursday from the J-Jit-Too on Wednesday. And Friday I did the kettlebells. I was sore Thursday. And Friday I did the kettlebell. bells. I got to tell you something. I didn't eat an edible fry. And just from pushing that metal around, I was so fucking hungry.

I was so fucking hungry. So I did one protein shake. 30 grams of protein, 300 calories. Boom. I bought an al-Aid. I got to do it again. I'm fucking starving. I did it again. Boom. I ate an apple.

Two organic apples. A banana. And then there was salami and cheese. That motherfucker went down. like a submarine, you understand me? And you have this willpower, and you try. And that was it. Like, it's not like I'm eating chips

and eating ice cream, nothing like that. The other night, when I dropped you off with Paul, I went to Center Lemon, and I got a protein bar, a no-sugar protein bar. You know, I really wanted to stop at that diner and get a cheeseburger and a piece of apple pie with you guys. I really, really wanted to go. It was just as high as the next guy.

But I try. But when you try like that, and you're still just losing a pound a week, it just gets discouraging. Right. You say what the fuck, and then if I'm going to be this weight anyways. I'm going to be this way anyway. But I don't throw it like that.

No, I'm really good like that. I'll say, you know what? I'd just be patient because I know I'm doing the right thing. If I'm drinking a lot of water, I'm drinking green tea. It's not like I'm drinking any soda at all. You know, yeah, I'm right, what did I have when I drank soda? I had something that you got to have with soda. I forget what the fuck it was.

And then the other day had Doug. The girl gave me a glass of Coke. And I got to tell you, it tasted pretty fucking good. Yeah. I felt bad. She goes, it's Coke. What am I going to say? Give me Diet Coke, and now what are you going to do with this one?

I just drank it with six or seven ounces. It wasn't bad, but besides, I'm drinking green tea and more fucking, those gallons of water. Go at my house. Those fucking... Right. They go. I think you'll notice if you do this, because it takes your stomach down to, like, two ounces. I don't even know what it is.

Now it has to be, like, 10. It has to be the size of a fucking tuba. I think you'll realize when you can only eat that much, how much you were eating. Because that's the thing that with my fitness pal, I didn't. You don't think you're eating that much, and then the more you put in, you're like, oh, shit, just that little bit was 800 calories. So maybe, who knows? I mean, I hope it works, but.

Well, you know, I went. I talked to him. I think your stomach goes from a liter to two ounces. It's not, you know, at first, for the last three or four years, a dear friend of mine, a Henzo Blay, Gracie Blackbell, John Rallo, has a friend that had it, and his friend had great success with it. And he kept calling me and going, Joy, you're killing yourself. Because he's older.

He was 50 when he did it also. I'm like, come on. You can do it by going to the gym. He goes, bro, I go every day. And Rala was like, dog, this guy works harder than anybody, I know. And he's healthy now. What the breaking point for me was when I went to this doctor last Monday, I got to be honest with you.

I did not want to go. I did everything I could not to go to this meeting last Monday at 2 o'clock. I even called him and said, running late, I'm working at Fox Studios, and they're like, we'll waifie. Oh, no, yeah. I was like, damn. So I got there. It was an orientation class, and you sit there and describe the procedure to you, what's

going to happen, what to expect. And I'll tell you, man, the procedure sounds easy. It's not the procedure. It's leading up to it and afterward. It's hard work. First of all, two weeks of just a liquid fucking diet, that's murder. Right. That's murder.

I think a month before, I got. to go on a liquid diet, but two weeks before that. Oh, no. No sugar, no ice cream. A milkshake without ice cream is like sucking a dick and nothing coming out. It's like sucking a dry pussy. You know what I'm saying? Where's the payoff?

Where's the fucking payoff? No squirt, no nothing. Sucking a dry pussy. That's not terrible. What the fuck are you going to do? A milkshake with water and powder and a, you know, that don't fly with me. But I called my buddy Ralph Afuso, who had it done. Oh, he had it done?

Yeah, Ralph finally tapped out all. That's who really got me thinking about it. Joan had it. Her daughter had it Kelly at 35. And then once Ralph had it, I go, Rob, break it down to me. He goes, I couldn't shake off the weight, plus my blood pressure was too high for a long time. Now, when I got locked up in prison, I was possibly the best shape of my life. I didn't have a car.

I rode a bike everywhere in Boulder in high altitude. I was part of a master swimming program. I had a boxing regimen that I worked out with, and I lifted weights. I was always doing something. I worked at Hertz rent-a-car, which meant I was always moving. I was in tip-top fucking shape. My diet was great. You know, I had the master's swimming guy put me on protein shakes,

and I was eating eggs, and I wasn't touching potatoes, and I was a young kid. And I went to prison, and the first thing they flagged me was at the diagnostic center for my high blood pressure. They were like, your blood pressure is off the chart. you're 27 years old. Did you know about this? And I'm like, no. I had a fucking idea. I'm Cuban.

My asshole's always on fire. I mean, I'm always on overdrive in my mind. So I had a fucking idea that maybe my blood pressure is high. And then they put me on medication. And I've been doing it since I was 27 years old. Wow. So if I, 27 in tip top shape, my blood pressure was high, it's fucking astray. Every time I walk into a doctor's office, they take my blood pressure.

and they read me the numbers and my head fucking falls off. Then I rest for 10 minutes there and then it goes down gradually, but still not tremendous. At this point in my life, I'm like three or four medications for blood pressure, I think.

Oh, wow. Yeah. And then last Monday, when I went to this fat man doctor, you have to do this thing, you have to watch a bit. I was there for a few hours, three or four hours.

So I don't even know, because you weren't heavy before you went to prison. No. So is it just all, mostly generic? and then weight just makes it worse? I think the blood pressure thing was genetic. Maybe.

Yes, it was. From my mother's side, maybe. My uncle's okay with it. But the weight, I don't know where I got it from. You know, my mother had a lot of movement also. She moved also. I didn't get this way from, you don't, you know, my mother wasn't lazy.

My mother fucking moved in the daytime. So she put weight on after her bar closed. not hundreds of pounds. You know, I did a dramatic weight gain. Oh, my God, Lee. It was, and it was in a short period of time. I went from A to Z, you know, I went from 260 to 350 to 400. Like, there was no in-between as it felt like.

Every time I looked at the scale, I was putting 20 pounds on, you know. So at this point, I felt really guilty. I couldn't believe I was even considering the surgery. Then I had mercy. You know, it's going to take me two years to lose this fucking weight. You know what, guys? You see me on stage? I'm going to stroke out.

You know, I'm on stage doing a lot better because my heart's into it more. There's no more blockage. There's no cocaine. I'm talking about what I believe in. It's not like I'm up there trying to be funny for Comedy Central or some agency. I'm talking what's in my heart. So it makes it easy to come across. But to also sell that, you got to have that little anger on the,

that little engine running costs you. It costs me. you know right so yeah I'm gonna have the gastric done I'm going for the psychological evaluation on Wednesday I'm going to a support group Wednesday night

this week on the next week the 21st yeah and then hopefully by then I'll get my insurance to say yes and I'll get a surgery date that's awesome it's kind of like what you're talking about earlier like you looked at a like a failure kind of when you thought about doing the surgery?

Absolutely. But you're working out more than ever. You're eating healthier. It's just the next step. Listen, man, I look at Mercy and I know what it is to grow up without a dad. You know, I could sit here when I write these little books and these little memoirs and my pages. You know, I put a lot of it on my mother, but it really wasn't my mother. This is all my fucked up started when my dad didn't come home.

You know, my mother used to tell me, when you were a little kid, for years, Every time the door would open, you look at the door to see if it was your father. Just thinking of that thought for mercy, pains me because I know how tight her and I are already at this age. You know, we're getting really tight. You know, I was thinking about the triads. Did I tell you about this? No. Triads.

Like the Asian gangs? The Asian gangs were where the mafia concept came from. The Italians didn't create the mafia. The Chinese did. It's a Chinese concept. But the guys. the early guys that started the concept, they figured out that they used their daughters

as bodyguards and confidence. Did you know that? No. They used their daughters because your daughter is your fucking best friend in the world. To have a daughter is a certain fucking power that you don't see. I can't see it.

When I see movies about a girl getting raped, I can't imagine how a father must feel. It's like he got raped, you know? and that's at every fucking level with your kids but a daughter father bond is very strong and some cultures it's even stronger you know it started getting to the point where even the Sicilians started using

their daughters as bodyguards and confidants because all the men were getting shot and getting taken to fucking jail you know a woman a girl a daughter is not going to let her dad do time and vice versa right you know it's a really weird thing

And I already see the bond building. I understand that what happens to women when they grow up without a dad or they have beef with their dad and stuff. Right. How cool was it on her birthday? Like I saw the picture with the Carvel cake. God damn. It was just the Carvel cake was fucking delicious.

Delicious. She loved it. Yeah. I loved it. Listen, Mercy. She was two, but she didn't know where the fucking planet she was on that day. She didn't know. She just, I took her the kid's spain.

A little place up in Pasadena You pay 11 bucks And you let them fucking loose in there And she ran And she picked up There's things to build There's all this like Scientist type shit

Where you put a ball in the catapult And pull it down The ball shoots out You're having more fun than she is Yeah and it rolls to the side There's another thing where you pull ropes She there was one place where you built shit And there was balls on the floor

All she kept doing was Pick up the balls and hide them and then she'd go to get more and a little kid would see her balls take them and she'd go, what the fucking my ball? She'd have had them again. And I sat there for hours and wanted to do that. Then you go inside and there's like an underground tunnel

and, you know, spiders and fucking beehives and shit. She didn't give a fuck about none of that. All she gave a fuck was about running. And two o'clock we had some lunch. That had nice lunch up there. Had tuna salad. Yeah. With no bread, you know.

It was nice lunch. I thought it was going to be dog shit, but it was delicious. And then we just went home and relaxed with us. She took a nap when she woke up. We each had a piece of a Carvel cake, and we sang a happy birthday. And that was it. She still didn't know what planet she was on. Once she ate the sugar from the Carvel cake, she was really fucked up.

But it was a great day. It was a great day for the house. You know, like I said, my wife is another fucking planet right now, Lee. Yeah. So as long as she's fucking happy, I don't give a fuck, what's crack and whack him? You know what I'm saying? Right. What did she think about you doing the surgery?

Because she met you when you were 400. Well, she met me when I was about 3.10. Oh, okay. 100, maybe, 280. 280. Really? And then you went up to 4. Yeah, she started frying food and shit.

You know, when I first met Terry, that first two years, we ate, Jack. Yeah. Beans and fucking pork chops and desserts and pineapple upside down cake. Oh, that's good. And that was just at the house. never mind what I eat when I leave. You know, when you go do comedy at the comedy store, you see what you're close to.

You're close to the pink taco. You're close to Pinchas tacos. You're close to the... Have you ever been to the standard and gotten a blue cheeseburger? No. The standard? You don't know what you're missing, son.

They got that fucking thing carnies. They saw hot dogs and cheeseburgers and chili dogs there. So when you first moved to the store, you just eat around the store. Yeah. No, no, no. No, no.

fucking plan. I'm always up for late night food. Yeah, fuck yeah. I just don't understand eating. Like, there's no place to really get a good... Was that place open that night 24-7? No, we went to the subway. I know you went to fucking subway.

It's probably open. But it was open when we drove by, I thought. The diner? Probably. I was too hard to look. The light tore on and it said open, but I didn't see anybody in there. Sometimes they're old. They forget to turn the open sign off. I thought it pulled in there and they were closed. I was been fucking pissed off. You know?

But no, I think I'm going to do the gas. Strix sleeve and I've got a little support group. Yeah. Kelly Davidson. I've got Ralph Fuso. I've got my other buddy who had it, Martin, in Florida. I got about four friends that had it. So I called them all up.

I asked them what they thought. I called every doctor I deal with. Radici, the fucking psychoanalyst that took the hypnotize me so I could breathe better. I called my knee doctor. I called the family. Family Dr. Wyatt discussed it with. He gave me the recommendation. What about Dr. Amy?

I talked to Dr. Amy about it because Dr. Amy shares an office with a guy who does lap bands. Oh. So she knows more, a little bit about it. So I called her first. So I talked to everybody, and everybody was conclusive, man. That this is, I talked to Joe. Joe sent an email to one of his doctor buddies, and she sent us an email together. She's C-Ced it.

And it was very interesting. You know, the only downfall is deficiencies in vitamins. Because you can't eat as much? Because you can't eat as much. And I don't think you put the pills in you, like the vitamin pills at first. Okay. So I'll lose my hair. Really?

I'll lose a little bit of hair until my protein and everything comes back up. You know, there's deficiencies in B12. You have deficiencies in vitamin D. But the other side is that is my blood pressure. It's, you know, all that stuff affects everything. The weight affects the joints. I like exercising. I like sweating.

I like going down and feeling like a fucking man. I like throwing around some weights. I believe in that. I really like doing jujitsu. But because I have the obesity, hyperventilation thing, jujitsu becomes double fucking hard. Even when I'm in the bottom, it's hard. But even when I'm on top, it's hard sometimes.

It's hard to breathe. You know jujitsu is a game of vengeance. and you're on top of the guy like a blanket. If I'm on top of you as a blanket, I still can't fucking breathe. Right. You know? I said to you the other, when he told me you're going to do it, I was like, this will be like when you do batting practice with the donut on the bat,

and then you swing fast when you take it off. You'll do do jitsu if you lose 80 pounds, 50 pounds, and just be flying. You know, the big concern is strength. The big concern is you lose a lot of muscle tissue because of the lack of protein. Okay. I'll just double it up. I'll just hire John Evan and just work with me with weights every fucking day for an hour to stay on top. You know, he doesn't have to stay on top of me.

I'll stay on top of me myself. But what I'm trying to say is somebody who will do the weight with me. You know, somebody who, when you lift heavy weights and you're looking like, you know, four sets of 10 or five sets of 10 or five sets of six, whatever the fuck you're doing, you want somebody there to push you. You know, you have one set left. Somebody just puts their hands up and pushes it up a little bit. So that's what I would definitely do You know, I'm looking forward to it I can't tell you that I can't

I can't lie even tell you that there's a lot of shit I won't be able to eat ever again I won't be able to eat the Chanzag Roll Ever? I don't think so I'll go with you and cut in half Shit, I won't be able to eat I have a milkshake like with ice cream I don't think you'll eat sugar

I think there's so many fucking things That you just can't eat anyway But it was time for me to say goodbye to those things anyway I mean, I've had a good time with them, and I've enjoyed them. And I've been very good. That's what frustrates me, that I could see if I was one of those guys. You know, when you're at Weight Watchers, every week people come in, they don't lose shit.

Right. And they're like, what do you mean? I gained four pounds. I didn't eat a thing this week. I drank water. Listen, come here. Let me talk to you. You ate something.

Then I go, oh, oh, my God, no. It couldn't have been. I went to dinner with my friend and I had Chi Chi Chi Chi Chi Chang. The Pupu Plaza, you know, like, that's what it was. Well, the guide said it was 10 calories per. No, but you ate 52 of them. Right. You know, when you eat 52 of them, it's like anything else.

If you either suggest a serving or M&Ms, it's nothing. That's the biggest thing. If you go look, like, if you go look at a bag of trail mix, there's 18 servings in it. Right. But how many calories per serving? A hundred, but you have to have, like, a quarter of a cup, and normally you just put your hand in there and throw it in your mouth. And then you throw your hand in there again

And you throw your hand in there again Have you had the fucking trail mix from Nature Box? No, this one, no. They didn't tell me that one. The cleansing trail mix or something. Oh my God, it's got these chocolate stars in them

You fucking asshole. Oh my God. Diamonds and cashews and raisins. Fucking delicious. Just delicious, man. Sometimes you eat that. And that's what, you know, you miss. I'm not a fucking depression either.

It's not like I go home. and got a quarter ice cream. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't eat. I mean, if I'm sad or something, what makes me happy? You know, chicken cutlets with mashed potatoes and cream corn

and some cranberry juice. Yeah. That makes me very happy, but I don't know what it is now. Do you eat fast? I've been noticing... That's the other thing. When I'm high,

I just throw it in there. I've been trying to eat slower. That's the other thing. That's the other fucking villain in this fucking... contest. You eat so fast. I eat so...

The other day, we got a sandwich. By the time you opened your wrapper, I had already wolfed it down. You took like four bites. And it was gone. And you inhale it, and it destroys your stomach. They want you to chew everything 60 times, so it's like I'm washing your mouth.

And if you do that, you get tired just from chewing. And especially with the surgery, because I only have a limited space. Right. So they want you to chew. You know, I won't be able to... I don't be able to... I think a month before the surgery,

I can't drink fluid with my dinners until 45 minutes after I finish eating. You have to just eat and then drink later? Dry, yep. Oh, no. That's going to be tough. So you're going to have to eat a lot less in different kinds of food. Nothing too salty. It's not, you know, people think, oh, yeah, I just go have the surgery.

That's it. I'll become a fucking scarecrow. No, no. It's fucking work, guys. Yeah, there's TV shows and stuff where people don't lose the weight who have the surgery. Really? Yeah. There's a show called My 600-pound Life, and they're like 700 pounds.

And if you don't exercise and you don't eat, right? Because, like, the whole thing is, like, they shrink your stomach, but if you put too much in it, like, it stretches again. Because it's the human body. So if you don't do it right, it's not like they're going to suck it out of you. Do they even have liposuction anymore? Could I just go in there today and just say, like, take out 100 pounds? I wouldn't, but do they even do that anymore? Wait, they stick the tubes and you suck the fat.

Fuck yeah. I don't know. I bet now they have something even better. I thought they were freezing people's fat. I've seen that, but I think that's only for, like, low handles. But what's that? What do they do? I think it's, like, kind of, like, like, how they take wards off and stuff.

Like, not that intense, but it's just they, I think it's a bunch of treatments and helps you lose, like, 10 pounds. or something. I don't know. It's another fad. I'm fucked up. Hell yeah. Well, you just had...

How many did you have before you got here? None. Come on. None. You always... I feel like you have a cookie jar. I smoked a half a joint. There you go.

I smoked a half a joint at about four when I woke up. I had some coffee. I row a little bit. I fed the cats. I cleaned the little boxes. Yeah. I put the heat on. I always love when you say to people,

I haven't smoked today. Well, tell them what that means. That means an edible and... and like two hits out the way. No, no, no, no. I smoked a couple pipefuls outside when I was drinking coffee and I wrote, and that was it.

I came here and I smoked that number while with you, and then I fucking ate the two stars with you. Jesus. But the stars hit your fucking heart. These little anarchy stars? They do. They hit you hard. You introduced me to the chef on Saturday.

That wasn't the chef. She just works there. Well, I know, but. I always her. She's a good fucking kid. This is a great store. I like this medical marijuana store. The new, you know, people were upset.

And for all you fucking haters that always send me stupid tweets, oh, they're closing all the medical marijuana stores down. They closed down the bad ones. The people that stayed open now, the people that had the original IPOs, these people got to run a fucking tight shit. Because, I mean, it's like where I go, the Irble Center, the Sunset Urban Center there.

That place has three cute girls. They're fucking knowledgeable. they've got, I gotta tell you, they've got 30 different fucking strains. They have to, easy. They've got three boards. They got the Sativa board, the Indica board, they got the fucking hybrid board.

Then they got the PR board, which is the private reserve board. And then they have three brands that are 50 and 8 that'll kill you. Like Disney, I don't know, I don't fucking. No. But anyway. What board do?

Do they just have a Joey Diaz board? I go to the last one. You know me. I go right to the Disney, the PR, whatever. There's three weeds in that one. And something else. It's a performance. I don't know what the fuck of it is.

Delicious. So I switch it around. I get the top three. Yeah. And then sometimes I fuck around with the PR. It's like what we smoked today was PR Skywalker. The Private Reserve. That's what I thought was.

Was it not good? Did I give you some shitty weed this morning? No. No. Does it sound like you mean shitty weed? No, I gave me the top of the fucking boy. I don't understand these people. Yesterday I went to the week or the day before, and I was sitting there,

and I'm out there waiting 10 minutes, and this two chicks walk, and I'm like, ha, ha, ha, ha, I can't. And I went in, I go, what these girls bought her? They bought a gram. An hour? An hour for a fucking gram? You go in there, you look at that girl in the face, and you go, I want this shit to kill Lincoln.

And they'll give you the P.Rs or the fucking, the top shelf Disney, or whatever the fuck they got. You're buying your fucking leave. They got great deals. They got phenomenal deals. Like the PRs, they give you one gram for 15, two grams for 20, or like two and a half grams for 25,

or something like that. It's not bad. No. On certain days that you could spend the wheel and win weed. How much do you smoke in a day? Now? Yeah. A couple GBOs.

A couple grams. You gave me a gram once, I think it lasted for like four months. You still got that weed the fucking house, don't you? No, no, it's gone now. What about the other? I still have one edible left. How can you have one?

Because I take a little bite and it gets me high enough to fall asleep. I don't need to get, I don't need to fucking get this high every day. You're not even high right now. What do you mean? I'm not high right now. What are you going to do when you leave? You're going to go to Denny's and get the Grand Slam? No, I'm going to go home and make a bagel. And that's it.

I think I might try to take a nap and then go about my day, go to the gym. Make a bagel? Yeah. What kind of bagel do you make? Cinnamon raisin. It's only two under a bag or you go to the fucking store and get a little. the fresh bagel. Tell me that you get that shit from Rouse, go home and toast it.

I do. Tell me that. What do you Because they know how many calories are? Do you open up your mailbox thinking, today is the day I'm going to get a letter from the Jews throwing me out of the fucking club? How the fuck is a Jew eat fucking bagels? Because the bagels at the big place are like 400 calories. They're huge. So, you want to be a Jew

or you want to be a fake Jew? Which Jew do you want to be? I'd like to be a real Jew. Then you got to eat the real bagels, guy. How the fuck? You get those things that come in a bag from Rouse and you play. They're a good bagels or Western bagels. They're a fucking good bagels. They're decent.

Why are you lying to me for? Remember I tell you what we accept living out here? Like what you accept? And you go home and you have a bagel and you go, those ain't fucking bagels. No, that's true. I can't get a good poppy seed bagel out here. Oh my God. Listen, I'm stopped. There's a place on Laurel King that I used to go. Still

there, whatever the bagel places. Yeah? You go in there and the bagels are fucking tiny. Oh, no. Tiny. You're like, Hmm. And they got Bialis and shit, but I don't even try it. I just won't fucking try it, you know. Right. That's why, you know, I'm ready for this move with the gastric bypass. Right. The gastric sleeve. And, you know, thank to Lisa Lampinelli and her husband Frank.

And, you know, I did some reading. And I think Rosie O'Donnell did it. A bunch of people had done it after Gandalfini scared a lot of people. You know, we're at that age. You know, you can't eat a lot. We've had that thing that Greg and Lynn gave us. That gift card, yeah. It's a gift card. And we keep saying, we're going to go, we're going to go. And you and I both know, we're going to go and make fucking animals of ourselves.

We've got to go after we lift weights and you walk from here to fucking Iberian back. It's not like, are they open for lunch? I don't know. I'll check. Chris, because maybe we'll go today up there. Okay. I can't work out because I still got this little flu bug, so maybe we'll go up there getting a little lunchy poop. In London Hills?

Yeah. No. It's not open for lunch. Now they open it five. This is what I'm saying. What the fuck do these people do? What do they do all fucking? Let's not buy a $50 steak at two in the afternoon.

It's not a $50 steak. They got lunch specials. If you go to this one, where's the other place we go? Morton. That place. Morton. Do they not have a lunch special? Yeah, they do.

195, 1495, 1195. Did you not see it? Yeah, we not go, and then they give you chicken. If you want to spend 20, you could spend 20. You want to spend 30. You don't like you spend 30. But if you want to spend $10 at Morton's for lunch now, they fucking got it.

That's a beautiful thing. Right, yeah. That's a beautiful thing. I don't understand that. You know, it's like martial art schools. You drive around, you see these martial art schools, they close. But then I go on fucking coupon, and they're all on Groupon. Well, you wouldn't have to drive your prices if you spent some time in there.

If you answer people's questions. When people have an answer about Jiu-Jitsu or Kung Fu or karate, especially Jiu-Jitsu. Everybody wants to get in shape, they're going to call, and I'm going to get the machine. Guess where they're going to go? They're going to go to whoever answers the phone. first. That's where they're going to go. Whoever it's answered the phone, and when the guy goes, you know, I'm 400 pounds, I'm embarrassed, listen, come on down, I'll sit you in the back, I'll work with you, you know,

this will be easy, I'll walk you through it. In fact, since you're 400 pounds, I'm going to give you two classes. You just won that guy. If you call me and go, hi, Joey, my name is Lee. I'm thinking of joining in Jiu-Jitsu. Can I come down at 107? Call me back. My number's 3-2-3. That's it. You lost me. It's customer service. We're in a customer. Customer service fucking base world, correct? Right, yeah. I spent 45 minutes in CVS the other day picking up a prescription for Paula, with Paula,

and there was only one person then. They were helping another guy, and then they did the drive-through window, and then they did the call-ins, and then they took us 45 minutes to get us a tube of some cream. I go to CVS to pick up my prescriptions, and I'll tell you what, they pissed me off.

They pissed me off a lot, but they try. They always pissed me off because they're short-handed. Yeah. They're very short-handed. hand that they have one person at the register who takes the prescriptions and who teaches you the prescription like then they have a different window that you stand on and then they have another window that you take the prescriptions and she's the same chick and the chick that's

behind the counter making the prescriptions she don't do dick she don't want to answer the phone she don't want to fucking do nothing so you stand there so for some people customer service means who gots right you know that's what I said if I'm in front of you and you're on the fucking phone you're slipping because I'm in front of you with cats in my fucking pocket ready to give it to you. Because they used to have, like, mom and pop pharmacies. Like, you didn't have to go to, like, a chain. They used to be just, like, a pharmacy on the corner, right?

Right. I never experienced it. Joe, the farmer. Joe, the, whatever. The farmer? When I was a kid that went across the street from Hatchways. A pharmacy? Yeah, it's still there.

And I knew the guy. The guy would go to the bar when we were kids and we talked to him and stuff. But I met him at the bar, and years later, I had a doctor that would give us crooked prescriptions. and he would give me prescriptions for steroids and my friend Darren who's dead and I would have to call him and go hey man I'm getting this prescription but it's really not feeling

you know I would see him and he'd go what do you need steroids for those steroids are kind of being able and not for me he never said nothing to tell me the guy was really cool he's like I know he goes I'll get you something different tell your friend to come see me you know it was local pharmacists they were cool in those days there wasn't

so the DEA didn't have a count on pills right you know you can move some pills here and there now you're responsible for everything. You're responsible for every fucking cotton ball. You're responsible. I mean, it's amazing because people have fucking abused it. Right.

You know, people have abused the fucking system. Let's do some shoutouts. And let's see what the fuck is going on here today. Happy birthday to my man Tommy Header, the Sandman, Andrew Nandel, John Shaw, Cleo, Larry Davis, I hate Matt, Talking Layer,

which we have a GoFundMe for, talking layer. He's a friend of the podcast. He's a friend of the families and he got sick. I still haven't seen GoFund Me yet. Yeah, it's up. It's on my Twitter. Let me find the link for you right now. John Carasso,

Justin Grinowski. Here we go. And my man, Sandman, again. He's a good fucking dude. A lot of people, we raised over 1,100 bucks in like three days. It's on my Twitter. It's on Steve Simone's Twitter, but it's easy. GoFundMe.com.

slash JV0 2KW. Listen, it's January 12. Things are fucking tough out there. They're tough for everybody. I talked to my brother this morning on the drive here. Things are tough. In some parts of the country, the country's dead till fucking the snow leaves,

which is in March. Nobody wants to make a move. Nobody wants to spend money. Anybody wants to see what law is. This talking lad kid, what's his real name? Larry. Larry is a good guy.

I've had the pleasure. meeting three or four times in Vegas. We were going to do breakfast last time. You know, we stayed out to four in the morning. A dollar. Everybody listens to the podcast. This guy's not some guy on Twitter that's running some fake fucking go-fumme. This is some kid that's sick and needs or help.

He's not even looking for much. Right? You said he's looking for a thousand bucks? His mom put up $2,000. $2,000. He didn't even, I don't even know if he knows about it. He's been, everyone, there's a lot of great people on Twitter. Renee, who just came out.

We have a lot of great people on this network. We all, we all, there's a lot of people that open up great and then they disappear, their shitheads. There's people that's family. Larry has been our family since day one. Listen, like I said, I know it's tough. I'm not asking you all to put $150 in there and be a big shot and put your name up. There's no need for that. This guy's looking for two dimes.

Looking for two Gs. If we each give them a dollar, it's fine. So I just want to put it. it out there for you guys. I know times are tough someday when you're in a bind you know you hit me on the side and I'll let you you know I read there to these people retweet for my little girl retweet for

this and I hear a lot of those things of bullshit you know I'm sure some of them are I hear a lot of those things of bullshit but then we did it like a year ago with the guy I forget his Twitter name who lost his house there's been a couple yeah he was good he still says hello from time to time I know you're talking

about Duster what's his name he's crazy yeah he's crazy Yeah, no, no. If you're part of our network, if you're part of my family, for sure, our family will definitely help you. We always have help for you. It's the people who just go to Twitter and then you go to their site and they hit everybody up. Yeah. They've hit everybody up. They've hit 200 people up and they'll make money and they take it and run. If it's one of us, if it's one of the people who listen to the church, if you hit me and Lee up in the correct fucking manner, I guarantee you we will help you out in more ways than one. Today I'm asking you for talking with a, aka Larry. Did you see his mom is hysterical? She calls me Mr. Sight, which drives me nuts. But then, like, everyone's writing on the comments. Everyone's like, like, Tammy did it.

But then somebody was like, church, hummus. And she was like, I was reading through the comments. And I don't really know much about this church. But you must have a really caring minister. And she was like 70. Because she's actually religious. let me see if I could find out where it's his minister but it just made me laugh so hard

but it just it was really cool and I put it out on Twitter and I just it was it was awesome that people really helped out you know this is what it's about this why do this shit that we do why do this tweet it to me so when I go home I can put some money on his books I'll tweet it right now

so we get the party started here and that's basically it guys you know it's Monday to 12 we want to do an old-fashioned in the morning if you guys don't know it I'll be on the Rogan podcast this afternoon at 2 o'clock. But I'm happy we got this one out of the way. Let me give

some shoutouts to our sponsors and get this motherfucker. A few motherfuckers who don't know. I'm going to be at the helium comedy club in Buffalo next Thursday to 22nd. And the week after that, Super Bowl fucking weekend, I'm going to be at my main place. The funny bone in a motherfucker on Columbus, Ohio. So Lee,

give them the NFL perspective. There's the NFL perspective from Lisa. What's up? I'm going to give it to me. You're I was going to hear a little fucking nervous this morning. Oh, well, I was pissed off during the Patriots game. I did change shirts. But I thought we were going to lose to the Ravens.

I was sure we're going to lose. I was surprised Peyton Manning lost. He really had a bad last few weeks, and they said he had two thigh injuries. So I don't know if he just all of a sudden got really old or he just hurt. That really, I would have liked to have faced Peyton Manning. It's like, I don't know, who cares about facing Andrew Luck?

Like, they're a great team, but Brady Manning is a great game. Green Bay versus Seattle should be a cool game. I would never know how to pick that game. Fucking Green Bay killed us, but then Seattle won Super Bowl last year. So I'd love to see Patriots Green Bay, Patriots Seattle. I don't think anybody really wants to see the cold. I mean, I know Indianapolis people want to see them,

but if you're looking for, like, TV ratings, like that Patriots Baltimore game was, like, the highest rated playoff game and TV show had like a 20 rating or something. Great fucking game. Yeah. Listen, that's a good game.

I was trying to watch it. I kept going back and forth. I had the baby that after my wife went to some party. And I had the baby and I was trying to watch. And I could tell it had the makings. You know, anytime you have Tom Brady and with his back against the wall, he's either going to fuck you up or he's going to tap out. This was a great.

Because we didn't have any running game. I think they ran like seven times other than his. And two of them were his Keeby runs. I felt bad for Dallas. That call yesterday seemed tough, but... I didn't watch the game. I'm not a ref, so I don't know. I'm very depressed.

Yeah. I got to add, you're from the Boston area. I know we have a lot of church people from the Boston area. So when is the Aaron Hernandez trial? Soon. Soon. It's getting... His and the terrorist kid.

That one's already started. The terrorist kid's already started. So they're both going to be in Boston. They're saying it's going to be... I don't know where the Aaron... I think the Aaron Hernandez one is going to be. Because, yeah, because they have people going in there in Patriots, Jersey.

he's going go Patriots and then of course they get kicked out. But it's, it's pretty sad. That's something, like we've talked about it. Like, I don't understand, I couldn't understand signing a $60 million contract

and then going and shooting a guy because he talked to the wrong people because I want to be a gangster. Is that what happened? Yeah, he signed a, like, a four-year contract. No, no,

but why do you shoot this particular kid? Apparently he didn't like how he was talking. He was talking to the wrong people at a club or something. I don't know. He sounds like, apparently he shot two more people a couple years before that because they were rude to him at a club or something, or they were, they bumped into him. It was just, if it's true, if it's all true, which it sounds like it probably is, he was just a monster. Well, we'll fucking see. You know, we had a big hit last week with John Jones. Yeah.

A lot of people couldn't believe it. You know, a lot of people looked for me to jokes, and it's, it's, fucking sad. It was very sad to me. I'm not mad at John or whatever. I had heard the rumors. Really? I had heard the rumors. I had heard the rumors the last couple months. I don't know. There was an interview, I think, in Bloody Elbow where the guy said that

the rumors have been swirling for a while. I didn't see it, and I wouldn't see it, to be honestly, until somebody reminds me when he was in LA last time, all the times. He was trying to cop. But at first, I was like, oh, my God. And then I heard it a second time. I never told Joe, but like I said, I told Ari

before the fight Friday night after the show at the Mirage. We saw John Jones, I told Ari. And when he came up positive, Ari called me right away. I don't believe it. I told you. Whether it smoked is fire. People just don't make that type of shit up, you know? Right. My heart goes out to him and his family. So I did some research today. Apparently, if the drug test

he did before the fight comes back positive, then he could lose. Right, but that's not coming back positive. Has it come back negative yet? I don't think. Because I read, because I was just doing some research because everyone was like, oh, well, Nick Diaz got suspended for a year. Apparently, that was because

he tested positive in competition. In competition. So even if you test positive out of competition for weed, it'd be treated the same way. That's the way I read the article. I think the UFC has to lay a punishment because it's part of the code and conduct. I don't think they're going to.

You know what? all right now is that I hope he gets better. I hope he, I know what it is to be in that position. I know what it is to have everything. You know, I had everything in Boulder and I didn't want it. You know, I had a baby in the room, my wife, had in-laws who loved me, I just bought a condo, and I didn't want it.

I know what it's like to sneak cocaine, to feel that you need it. So I hope he takes that pain away, the pain of needing it. So you don't look, it's not. performance enhancing in any way to you. Cocaine? Right. Cocaine. Listen.

For me, look, when you smoke pot, what do you feel like doing? I've taken a nap and eating in a cheeseburger? When I smoke pot, I want to take a notebook out. I want to read a book. If the sun's shining, I want to fucking go out there and enjoy the day. When I first started smoking pot, I knew I didn't like being inside, but I also like listening to music. But once I got the invention of the iPod, whatever the,

fuck. iPod. The Walkman. It made life easier. When I get high, I want to adventure. I want to go out. I want to take a chance. I want to get really high.

I want to see different people. Oh, God. I want to see different situations. You don't like seeing that. No. You know, when some people do cocaine, they get very extroverted. Is that the word? What's introverted?

When you... Introverted is me being inside alone. Okay. extroverted. You're out. You're talking. You're drinking. Woo-hoo. That's the way it started for me.

But it became something else. I became very introvert with the drug. When I was locked up in prison, we used to do speed on Mondays and try to play basketball. Oh, my fucking God, you have no idea. You have no idea what it was like to go to the street. Your heart feels like it's going to fly out of your fucking mouth. That's what it feels like.

It's like adding gasoline to a fire, you know? Like a fire is burning, and all of a sudden you're running, you know, when you don't need to run. Did it enhance my performance? I think I ran. I could play eight or nine fucking games. Maybe it helped my cardio. But that was speed.

Cocaine is something different. It affects your mind a different way. It fucks it like your happiness, fucking juice or something like that, doesn't it? Like your, I forget the name of the serotonin. Saratone or whatever. I think when you crash, it does. When you crash, listen, I don't know.

I can't. I remember I used to think of people saying, well, Lawrence Taylor has to be good. He probably does blow when he plays football. I don't see it. If he did, God bless him. God bless him. If one day in one of his books, he says,

I used to do it, I eat ball and go out there and I realized I tackled more people. God bless him. But between you and I, I never found nothing that cocaine enhanced. Nothing. Wow. I sat on stage yesterday night. March 17, 1992. I did cocaine and went on stage, St. Patty's Day.

I wasn't even doing comedy a year yet. And I thought the same thing. I go, oh, I'll do two bumps of Coke and go up there and rip these nights. motherfucker's a new asshole. Boy was I wrong, brother. Yeah. Boy, that I eat shit because it blocks the heart. So all you're getting words.

But that was me. Maybe Richard Prye killed on it. You know, I don't know if Kennison did well, but the shows I saw on tape and YouTube when Kennison was coked out, he didn't do that well. He did well because people were yelling and people thought being high was cool. You know, when you go see Artie Lang years ago

and he was fucked up, it wasn't by no means hilarious. Artie's a funny fucking guy. But I remember seeing him in Vegas with the preacher and a bunch of guys and we all went and we all left because it was so fucking bad. But to the people who go see that, they'll pay $50 to see you fucked up on stage

and white crystals falling out of your nose. How do I know? Because I did it for years in Miami. People would want to come see me fucked up. They'd tell me afterward. That was great. You said the joke twice. You know, I don't fucking get it.

But for fighting, I can't see it. I can't see doing a line of coke and running down that thing and having John McCarthy touch you or Herb Dean touch you and search you down. And you go in there with your heartbeat and I can't fucking see it. And let's say it's a five-round fucking fight. You come down in 20 minutes. Really? That fast? Yeah, you come down in 20 minutes.

Maybe the whatever. What are they called? when the juice that runs through you. Adrenaline? Maybe that kicks it up, which it probably does, but I can't see. I just don't see it. I just don't see it. If it works with John Jones, God fucking bless him. I just think the part people, most people have a problem with is that if it was a new fighter, he'd probably be out of the UFC already.

He would have been out of the UFC before the news came out. You know, I can't believe that we listened to this podcast for two years and all other podcasts and people get illuminated. to what the UFC is about or what they're not about. You don't understand one of the day. The UFC is no different than any other fucking company in the world. Right. They're into money, okay?

If you were John Jones, if you're Dana White, okay? You're fucking Dana White. And I call you and I go, hey man, John Jones tested positive on December 4th. So what does that mean? That means he tested positive. Can you cancel the fight? No, it's not against he was out of competition. It was a random U.A.

What do you want to do? Do you want to fucking cancel the fight? After the year they took that? Do you really, really think in your heart? After they already had to postpone. Dana White was going to cancel that fight for Donald Sorone against Miles Jury? Is that in Hector-Lombard against whatever, is that what you think? What would he do?

What would he do December 4th, Dana White? That's not just a card in fucking some fucked-up city. That's the card at the MGM Grand on New Year's Day. what the fuck would he do? Are you people that fucking stupid that you would think Dana would go, stop the card, let's put him in a rehab. Fuck him at his fucking rehab.

He's fighting. We'll put him on a bus to rehab right after the fight. Or two days after when he gets his yaya's out and he gets his dick-thucked. But we're not going to put him in a rehab right away. These are the things that people don't understand. And everybody's plain dumb, right? Why didn't they say something to him? Again, it's about money.

The bottom line, and especially with this USP, it's about fucking money, guys. So if you're that fucking stupid at home, who gives a fuck? Nick Diaz tested positive after the fight. Right. Is that not what the thing was, if I remember correctly?

In competition. Two different fucking worlds. Two different fucking worlds. So suck it in, get it together, and realize it's all about the fucking Benjamin's. And that overrules everything in 2015. There's no rules. What happened to the people

who were going to stop the corporations and pick it? What happened to them? What happened to them? You know what happened to them? The bottom fucking line. The bottom fucking line. They can't cancel it.

You don't like John Jones? I don't know what the fuck to tell you. You don't like the way the rules are fucking done. I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Do you know they don't test for T.HC in basketball? Really? No. Because every fucking player would fucking fail.

They test for coke and steroids and everything else. And the NBA, they don't test for THC. That's widely known. You see? Take it. At least you got to fight. Shut your mouth. Let's pray the God that John Joan gets better.

And let's move on with our life. That's the only thing you can fucking do. Illinois. All right then. Onit.com. Did they check his blood? Maybe he was on Onit.com also. Maybe he was on fucking alpha brain.

Maybe he was on Shroom tech, fucking sport. Maybe that's fucking dirty, fucking whatever. But whatever it was, this is what we do. Give the guy a fucking chance. Go to honor.com. See what they got to offer you. You know what? Anit is not a vitamin.

Honest is not a fucking one a day. Honit is for you to be the best that you could fucking be. That's why you go to Onet. You start off with Alphabet. I'm not going to fucking tell you again. They got so many great products. If you don't go to Onet right now when you're at work, they're paying you, right? Who gives the fuck?

Go to Onet.com. Look at the products they got. You're just sitting there with a thumb up your fucking ass. Read about the fucking minerals. Read about the coconut oil. Read about the fucking Shroom Tech Sport. Read about the Shroom Tech Amune. See if it's for you.

You know what? It is for you. Because you're going to be the best that you motherfucking can be, aka the food fighters. Go to honor.com. Find something. Try something.

Even if it's alpha brain. Go to the box and press in church. After you check out, press in church and get 10% off your order. Before you check out. Before you check out. You get 10% off your order. Plus, if you want to do the Stay Onet program, you could stay on it where they mail it directly to your house every month.

You don't have to go back online and register where they hit your credit card. I don't know how the fuck they do it. But do me a favor. They got the battle ropes. They got stuff. They got weights. They got a bunch of stuff for you to do. Plus the minerals.

I can't help you with the battle ropes and that type of stuff, but the minerals are on me. Go to Onet.com and press in. Church. And get 10% off your fucking first order. Like my man Lee said before. You know, this week, Cable gave away. free weekends for everybody. Cable channels know they're in trouble.

They're trying everything they do to get new people, but the rates are astronomical. Me, I've just been fucking introduced to Roku and Netflix and all this. And I got to tell you something. I love it. That Netflix has everything you fucking wanted it. That Roku has everything you wanted. Iron Dragon TV.com, my favorite fucking Roku channel.

You understand me? They got every single classic martial art film that you love, from Sonny Chiba to early Jackie Chan. to the Yip Man series, and every day they add on new fucking movies every week. They got workout movies from Onit. They got different... I mean, they are tremendous.

Dave Foley is working fucking 24-7 to make this Roku channel one of the best fucking channels out there, and it's growing. He's also got the technology on the 4K TV. And you know what's cool? If you go and check, they're converting a lot of stuff to 4K.

But if you go, they have a lot of stuff that they haven't converted yet for free. So they have some free movies on there. So if they only have a lower quality of it, they put it up there for free. So just go there and you can see more than two movies, but then they're in the process of changing that to 4K.

So they have some cool free movies on there that you can watch. Okay, so do me a favor. Go to Iron Dragon TV right now and press in. Joey. In the box and get two fucking movies for free off the bat. Take a look around and see what they got. Maybe you didn't consider Marshall Art movies. Maybe you didn't like martial art movie, the classic ones.

Take a look at the classic ones. You're going to fucking love them, all right? Go to Iron Dragon TV and press in. Joey. And get your two free movies. Nailed It Life, if you're smoking vapor, you're losing your fucking mind. Go to NaileditLife.com. The best vapor pen on the market.

They've also got some really neat stuff for that whole world of vaping, they call it. What do they call? Yeah, vaping. They have neat stuff. You know, all the shit you need to put the fucking thing in the pipe and the, the thing to carry the vape. They have a ton of things plus t-shirts. Go to NaileditLife.com right now and press in.

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Go to Naileditlip.com. And also, for you bad motherfuckers out there trying to get your health in order, I see a lot of you guys have taken it. I'm telling you, give it a shot. Hidysigs.com. Hiddy Siggs has fucking vapor cigarettes that will knock you through a fucking loop. You understand me? They come in different flavors.

Not to mention, they come in different grades. 24 milligrams, 16 milligrams, 8 and 0. If you look into quit smoking, dog. So you start with the 24 within a month. You'll be on the zero. They also have a fucking cigar. You can blow smokes at casinos. If you go to Atlantic City, you can blow it the Asian's faces.

You know what I'm saying? I just won this, Chino. Anyway, go to HittiesSig.com. What do they get, Lee? You get 20% off when you use covert Joey's church. That's right. So usually 20, you get it for 16. Give it a try.

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Give them a try. Tell him Joey sent you. I want to thank On it. I want to thank Iron Dragon. I want to thank Nailed Your Life. I want to thank Hittiesigs. And I want to thank all you motherfuckers for waking up. and listening to the show and giving us love on every aspect that we got.

Like I said, I'm going to be in helium buffalo in two weeks, and I'm also going to be at the Columbus Funny Bone. Super Bowl weekend, bitches. Hell yeah. We forgot to say, we had some, because I was thinking when you were doing the Hittiesig that, everyone always asks you if they work for quitting smoking what you've done. Yeah. But another guy, we had some crazy Uber drivers on Wednesday.

We had a guy who you told you were a political prisoner from Cuba. Oh, my God. For the entire right day. Like, man, I came from Cuba. I've been here for 30 years. I'm a political refugee. Those are two of the coolest Uber drivers we ever met. On the way down, it was an old Russian dude.

It was cool as shit. He kept thinking I was big pussy. On the way back, we had an Egyptian pizza maker. They also made Italian food. He was an Egyptian dude. That made Greek food. An Italian chef? No, it was Italian, Mexican, and like from the Netherlands.

It's like Dutch food. He was an Egyptian, and I just saw your face, and then you just kept asking him questions about it. He was a fucking sweetheart though. And he left a wife in Egypt. Yeah, he left his wife in Egypt. You know, these stories are amazing when you get to talk to people. Sometimes they're very interesting. Some people are douchebags.

But if you give them a chance, they're very sweet. Both of these guys are very sweet. And then you got me high. I think the next night on the way home from Long Beach, and the cop stopped in front of us. Like there's an accident, and the cop stopped the entire highway. Oh, that's right.

So we got high in Long Beach, and we were driving, and like four cop SUVs stopped a line ahead of us, and they stopped for, like, 20 minutes, and I was stoned out of my mind, and after, like, five minutes, you open up the center console, and you start taking joints out.

I'm filming it. I'm filming it with the sirens, lights, like 10 feet in front of us, and you smoking on a joint, and then, like, you started beeping at him, and I got paranoid, I deleted the video. He deleted the fucking video, guys.

I was like, if the cops are going to come. The cops are going to pull him over and take his fucking camera. Can you believe this in this day and age? Fucking, I can't breathe. Get it together, Cucksucket. I love you guys. Thank you very much for listening. Have a great week.

We'll see you Wednesday night with the great Barry Katz in motherfucking studio. That's one of the best podcasts we did last year. He called it. I can't imagine how knowledge where he's going to be. So Wednesday night, 8 o'clock. We'll be back here. Again, on it, Iron Dragon TV. Nailed it.

hit these things, but most importantly to you motherfuckers for letting us coming to your world every week, twice a week, and giving me and Lee all the love you can. That's it. Have a great week. Your dreams are right in front of you. Tell them more to suck your dick and go for it. Cuckuckuckers.

What, Lee? What, Lee? I would love to tell somebody to suck my dick that'd be fun. Tell them. Let's go to Denny's. Okay. The show is brought to you by Anand.com. Go to Honn... Denny's cuck-suck-sock.

Why are you mess with me? I would love to go to Denny's right now. Because they're communist eggs. Why are they communist eggs? Because they're not real eggs. Don't get healthy from those eggs. Okay. Don't go to Denny's.

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