The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #249 - Ari Shaffir, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: January 19, 2015

Ari Shaffir, Comedian, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Buy Ari's new special, "Paid Regular" here for only $5: http://arishaffir.vhx.tv/ This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  SGT. Peppers - The Beatles I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Remember The Time - Michael Jackson Recorded on 01/19/2015

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It's covered Joey. And go to NailedatLife.com. And go where Joey Diaz to get 20% off of the premier vapor pen on the market for all the oil and wax smokers out there. What did you give me in those stars? What's in those fucking stars? Did you put a label over another label?

Did you put a label? There's no label on anything he gets. The guy doesn't even work at the weed story. Just some God rolling by the brownies. Stars. I'm a meth in a guy. I love you, fuckers. The church of what's happening now.

Monday. January 19th, you bad motherfuckers. that shit, me. That's the motherfucker be there, baby. Oh shit. I had this tape. My sister barred at all. I never gave it back. This is what it is. This is what it starts. This is what it starts.

This is what it starts. This is Lonely. Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart Club Band. This is the first album? No. No. This was later. What was this reinvention, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band? What was that supposed to be about? I have no fucking idea. It was so long ago. But the cover is tremendous. Yeah, so much in there.

The cover is tremendous. They got the flowers and the shape of a guitar and it says Paul's dead. Oh, it says that on it? Remember they played the whole trick in the United States? Paul McCartney was dead and these fucking saps fell for it. But it was tremendous marketing. Yeah. They didn't know at the time.

That was the most brilliant marketing that had ever fucking rented. You play the eyeing the wallrus backwards and it says all that crazy. I just started getting vinals and a couple of them had really cool, like artwork. And then I got a Steve Martin when it had a set list on the back. It was pretty cool. I never had any vinyl. A set list. That's a cool thing to put on you.

It was a photo. copied set list on like a car on the back of like a cardboard headshot it was pretty cool yeah someone got me one it's like kind of a thing now they like to get back into vinyl but somebody got me a vinyl so I got your Bill Cosby with the pill in it came with a film

I got a whole bunch of Cosby albums for Steve Simone got me giving got me a whole bunch of albums I wonder if they're I wonder if any of the sets or the Spanish Fly sets that's going to be fucked up if it is he does do a set about Spanish Fly it's well I mean I remember hearing about that in camp, but when you see him say it now

after all that stuff is out, Larry King, you're like, ugh. Spanish Fly, that was big when I was growing up. That was big. I don't even know if it worked. A guy left Spanish Fly in his glove compartment. He went into the grocery store. His girlfriend found it. Dr. Seam came back. She was dead,

humping the fucking stick shift. My friend, the Olsons, he gave it to his grandmother to see if it worked. We all chipped in. We gave him like $5. And he gave it to his grandmother. He poisoned your friend's grandmother? Not me. He poisoned his own grandmother. and set it free.

He just set that bitch free and shit. In fact, it's his birthday today, Mike Olson. He's 54. I see it in Facebook. What's happened? You bad motherfuckeruck.

It's a beautiful day to be alive. I had a very fucking interesting evening. Weekend evening. I had a great morning. I had fungi. I still got fungi under my toenail. So I go get a laser

fucking beamed off. If you got fungi under your toenail, go get it laser beamed off. It is fucking tremendous. Everybody wants to live in the future. Here's your fucking chance. They shoot laser beams right in your toes. They get a hose

with water with ice in it and they condense it. I don't know what the fuck they do. When they blow it on your toes to freeze them, then they beam it because it gets hot. Every once in a while you're like, and it burns and you can smell your fungus and your toenail frying in the fucking air. It's only 10 minutes.

I've got to go today, I've got to go next Monday and the Monday after that and I'm going to rub some fucking maluccageal juice. When do you start getting fungus in your toes? Fucking 10 years ago. And then what does it do? Stinks. It pushes your toe The toenail out and the fungi develops underneath. And then so what is it?

So you ever see people that have a fucking fucked up toenail and hangs over when you go to the pool? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's what it looks like. I cut it. I keep it good and I paint it. I try this Wahili and jiu-jitsu.

I put a fucking band-aid on it, but it always falls off. Paint it. And people see that fucking infested fucking toenail. I would give somebody a 50 to sniff it. Just sniff that motherfucker. No way. Put that big old toe in your nostril and take a big old. fucking like it was

a liquor sniff does it smell? Yes it smells it doesn't smell like you don't smell in the air but sometimes late at night I'll cut the toenail underneath it smells yeah underneath it smells hard

when you let that it's like a toe jam but a little tougher and you're spinning around your finger and then you put that ball on your counter yeah you wake up in the morning you smell that ball you almost fucking die that's disgusting male shit that sometimes I'll do that I'll dig underneath

the toenail like like I'll have here and then I'll dig if that's a tournament under it like that and then smell what's left. Oh, it's horrible. Twit that were lively. People know. I'll tweet them. They don't know. I forgot the shit.

Welcome to the church. I did something this weekend that was completely out of my fucking character. I was it? I drove two hours for the Jitoo Tournament. Two hours? On the five. On a Saturday. To watch one?

Yeah. At three o'clock and at two in the afternoon I decided me and Mike and John Evan. No, man. You know, I don't do it. much and people come to the shows and stuff and I always feel guilty that don't go to enough things like that. Like how could, at this point in my life

I could have some new experiences. I can sit there for a basketball game or football game. You went to a Laker game. Watch a Laker game. You know, you experience it. But I can't go watch stand-up or improv comedy. I'll go watch a play. If somebody knows it was a good play in Hollywood. You know what I thought of on the way here? Let's go see that Angela Lansbury play. I wonder if she's still good. I heard she's

freaking really good. Down on the... I mean, she's been an actor for 75 years. It's right there, right on the... Probably somewhere around there. Probably tickets on expense. I want to see if you can get better when you're that older. It's a crossing the W. It's a cross in the W.

Yeah, yeah. They say it's a great... The Pantages. The Pantages. It's a great... And listen, bro, the older they get, the better they get. I wonder. If they stay sharp at their 70s, they can be a fucking powerhouse.

Murder Shriver was in, like, she was old then. That was a long time ago. How she's still alive? Those people take care of yourself. Sweet you think, Lee, how was your weekend? I know a great weekend. Did you see Billy Crystal's new thing? It's not, like it's like a one-man show.

Comedians? On comedians or something? No, no, yeah, they give him a new show, which it's probably going to be terrible. But his HBO special, like 300 Sundays or whatever. Yeah. With his dad, it was like half stand-up, half one-man show with like pictures and stuff. It was pretty cool. Yeah.

Half stand-up, have a show, no left. Not again. No, it had laughs. I mean, his entire audience is like 90-90 years old. Billy Crystal has a precise audience. My mom loves them. They're older Jews, and they go, and that's their pride and joy. Really?

They dress up. They spend a little bit. They even take an extra 20 out of the ATM. Yeah. They live it up with Billy Chris. There's just some Jews that Jews go out for and live it up. Like, they make Jews proud. And you don't know until you go.

Like, I see it because I'm a non-Jew. So when I go, like, when I went to see Bet Miller, I went to see Bet Miller 30 years ago. How is she? Phenomenal will do three hours. She'll do stand-up. She'll sing. show bands. But it was filled with Jews who, for that night

they forgot they were Jews. That was a Super Bowl. Yeah, like, you could tell. They were very nice. You know, they won't smoke pot or nothing, but they'll giggle and they'll turn their head. They'll smile. And even the bed will loosen up a little bit. Like, holy shit. One of the first non-animated kids movies, like when I was a kid, one of the

first movie, like actual adult movies I saw was Mr. Saturday night. My dad loved them. We had a movie star, right? Yeah. When Harry met Sally, it was massive. I forgot about that. He just seems like a has been. What? How is he ever?

The movie that isn't bad, the one, he plays a cop. With another black guy, with the dancer, he plays a cop, and it's a Chicago movie. Like Chicago Cops, he did that, like, in the 80s.

Billy Crystal's been, doing with the Cowboys. City Slickers. City Slickers. City Slickers. He was really good. Yeah, he made some good money. He did some good shit, Billy Crystal.

City Slickers, Harry and Sally. There were some really good movies he was in, huh? My giant, I'll forget it. But at least it was that. Well, $300. Sundays is about him and his love for the Yankees.

For his father. For his father. What they did. That's what Dad's his sons do. He loves baseball. He loves baseball. You know. It's like a poor man's Woody Allen, though.

I always saw him as that, just like the actor version of Woody Allen. I never got to see any of Woody Allen stand-up. Was he funny? I don't know. He hurts an album. I have no idea. I think so, but I don't know. He was like deadpanish.

Yeah, dead pair. You know, like very like, well, they all wanted to be the crazy Jew. So what's the crazy guy? Yeah. What's the crazy guy? I'm at home. Who's the crazy joke? From the 60s, the reason why we're here.

Lenny Bruce. If you watch that, the one I always talk to you, the black and white one, that's one of my favorite piece of stand-up, yeah. Yeah, man, because... I never seen any of that. Is it good? Yeah, it is good. You catch it, and you're like, damn, look at this motherfucking girl.

Yeah, he was jazzy. Yeah, he had a great rhythm to it. That's cool. But that was interesting. I had never been to a jihitsu tournament before. Oh, yeah. I tell you what the most interesting thing was about it. What?

That I don't feel bad being that fat in a Jiu-Ti-Ti no more. Why not? Because there was a ton of fat Jiu-Jitsu guys. No, really, really? And they're tremendous after a certain level. Like, after they hit a brown belt, they get bigger. Like, they get bigger and fat or, like, but that's strong fat. Yeah.

And I saw this one black belt pulled guard, and he almost ripped the other guy's shoulders off. Oh, because it's so big? He's so big. Like 300 pounds? He just, fucking pulled. If you're going to move that much weight every day, you probably get stronger. You just get. It was very interesting to see them take that tops off.

I mean, I went to see something else. I didn't go to see that. I just went to see a tournament in the bellies and, you know, plathas and shit. That's it. They're fun, huh? You see, like, eight fights going on at once? It was six fights at one. Chuck Norris was there.

Oh, really? Ashton was there. The whole Machado family were there. All the graces were there. I went to one with Tait and Long Beach. Yeah, that fucking, I mean, I was. and I appreciate the Jujit too lot. Listen, when I was a kid,

when I lived in New York, Renato was there, what's the kid's name, the black kid? La Ranja was there, we hugged, we had a great time, my friend, he was there. You know, when I was a kid, not when I lived in New York City and did karate, but La Roonjo's father, but when I lived in Jersey,

I got to say three years of my life, you had to go to three things a weekend. With this gush and guru karate where I went in Jersey, the guy's name was Kevin Norlander or something and he was a Vietnam vet but he was not all there remember we talked about him somebody called in and he goes he still teaches and he wanted you to go to three things a month

you only have one Sunday off a month or one Saturday so he would check him off like before you sent your application he would check him off so every month you went to the Bronx that's what I did guys before I started smoking dope me and six idiots like you would get together at 8 in the morning with our karate geese and we take a bus somewhere. And we take a bus, we go to an auditorium

with each spar, not with each other, in a tournament. We do forms, and then three of the six would take a gold or a platinum or whatever the fuck the metals are. And we'd go home. Once I started smoking pot, I didn't want to be with those guys no more. Not that I didn't love them.

I was just too embarrassed. They didn't get ironily. All they did was do karate. So these guys didn't understand that world. So the more I got high, And the more I distance myself from those guys, which was my fucking, I would have been a killer if I was with those guys. Those guys were great guys.

But that's what they did. And that's this lifestyle. Like the kid, I saw Travis Nawazzo down there. He owns a T-shirt company. He's friends with Eddie. He dates a friend of mine. Who? Travis.

He went Saturday to this thing, which was the world, whatever, Jiu-Jitu tournament, which is a league. And then Sunday he was going to go court to do another tournament, the morning. And he got armed barred it. Really? At the tournament I was at. He just likes competing?

Yeah, but he took a gold yesterday in two categories. Wow. So that's the life. We bomb, we do good, and it's all for God. Go up again? Yeah, you just keep rolling. So it was very interesting to see that. I learned that.

Obviously, at this age, I can't do a tournament every fucking week and prepare for a tournament. I die. I go to just once, twice a week. I walk around sore for three fucking days. But it's very interesting. And listen, guys, I said I was every time. I went by and exit. I wanted to make a U-turn.

Why? Because it was bumpering and bumpers. What's it take to get the fucking herb on a good day? 45. 45, yeah. It took me two hours. No. On a weekend?

On a weekend? On a Saturday. Well, the five guys. You got Walt Disney. You got something whatever farms. You got San Diego. You know, you got people going places. Viva Libre.

What's up with you, Negro? Talk to me. So you got the special premiere last week. What did Viva Libre I mean? Viva Libre live fucking freely. So your special aired last weekend. Special aired on Friday, yeah, thanks. I got a tape that watched the first 10 minutes, the baby's feeling crying.

Well, that's why I did the babies. I make him cry. That's why comedy's good for it. So now Thursday night you have storytellers coming on. Yeah, it's not happening. K&P. No, yeah, Key is doing it. It looks pretty funny.

It looks pretty funny. Yeah, he told a good story about a cracket. About a cracket. So it's, you know, whatever I read about this, this is not happening. Yeah. The big push they say is how you started this from Ground Zero. Ground Zero. They went online and then they got to television.

Something that really doesn't happen in this town that much. Well, it was a show at the improv first. The side room of the improv. At the side room with no alcohol. 40-seat side room. No alcohol. We didn't even allow to bring it in. Before I even met you, Joey, the first show I ever saw in L.A.

was your show with a job stories and Canane went up. Was it in the room? Yeah. That was the first show I'd ever seen in five bucks, yeah. Yeah, five bucks. experimental try some shit I'm trying to break the bank try some shit

the comics you know don't feel like you have to yeah we did it in that side room 12 people were there you were on that show you were on the first one me baron you marron Steve Aggie uh huh who else Dylan Brody wow he's like a storyteller

and then uh and Dan Medonia Eddie Brill's illegitimate son was on the first one wow and now look what it's become yeah now it's gonna grow once it hits TV it's gonna be a rap battle. Medonia did one about

it was all psychedelic stories but he did one about chasing his friend Benji outside on fountain at fucking fucking 1 p.m. naked running trying to find Benji getting arrested on mushrooms naked and arrested while you're on mushrooms then that Brody guy talked about peyote and how

these Indians gave him fucking peyote when he was 14 at Indian sleepway camp they're like, it's time, let's go. And then you talked about that concert. Is that like a Pink Floyd concert? Is that like a Pink Floyd concert? Is that the one that got filmed?

And the trip to it, yeah. Yeah. That was the first one. It got filmed in two parts. I didn't know how to make a YouTube video. It's one of the shittiest fucking YouTube videos of all time. But people liked it, though, when they saw it. The Popov.

That's what you first talked about, Popov. Popov vodka. Popov vodka. And then A.G. talked about getting laced at Grateful Dead. And Maron talked about taking some shrooms or some acid at Grateful Dead. Amazing. That's how I fucking started. Did you guys have any idea when you were starting the show of maybe getting it on TV or you wanted to do a show? We just wanted to do one good show. We didn't want to get it going again.

But everyone had such a good time. It was so fun and cool. Twelve people were in the audience. It was it. Bella Donna was there with her husband. She was one of the two of the twelve. This porn star family. Yeah, it was fun of shit. And then Eric.

Abrams. He's like, dude, let's do that again. So we did it again. There's something else from another topic. Yeah, that was five years ago. I still had the poster that Kevin Christie made. The sweet, fucking giant size of that thing. Hand-painted. It's like a dealia in these crazy fonts.

Save it. Fuck that. Of course I'll save it. It says Joey D.S. Devagey. Put that. Bill and Brody. Are you fear. Break the bank.

Yeah, exactly. There's only two. I got one. And what's that? Sam's got one. Aero's got one. Yeah, that was cool. That was fun, man.

We were there from the weekend. That's cool. Yeah, and then later they were like, let's do a web series. We tried to pitch it to a show a few times, like a couple years in, but they were like, maybe it was some other host.

And I was like, yeah. Last week on the Rogan podcast, we spoke about when we first started going out with them together. Yeah. How people hated us. Oh, hated us. Why are you bringing these losers?

Hated, but the main spokesman for the loser contingency. Here we go. San Francisco there. I was just there. I fucking hated that guy And everybody hated him I had heard about that

He was a dick for years And all he did was talk shit about us Oh he didn't He talked shit to the wrong god Oh Rogan's gonna bring his losers again He talked shit to two people That came turned right around And went back to me

So I always knew So every time These people talk shit to your friends And expect you guys Yeah, not to tell you Is this still the booker up there? The booker up there He's not a booker up dead

Oh he's fired Okay Huckberg I was gonna say And he uh we went out And every time And it was funny because the last time I saw him, he pulled me aside.

He goes, hey, I might get you this gig. And I remember thinking, look at this fucking guy coming around. Yeah. He goes, there's a show, and I really want to get you on it. But Sharrappa doesn't want you want it. But I've been pulling for you like a motherfucker, you know. That could easy means shripper wants you and he doesn't. It's so, and it's such a feeling like that guy must feel bad now.

Like, there's so many people that got to feel fucking bad. There's still a lot of people who fucking hate me. I hate them just as bad. Like the other night I know people go All right I guess but you know what I don't even think

They think they think about it I just think they go Oh cool That guy's doing great And they don't even remember How much they fucking said You were in go nowhere No

They remember There's certain people That I fuck with them now Like if I see listen The greatest thing Madonna ever did Was about eight years ago Madonna

Madonna Hadna had a A raffle And a thing All her rejection letters Oh really And they said people Were running to the fucking cover

That bitch saved Every Rejection All these people, all these fucking Geffins. You'll never be anything. Your voice is horrible. Where do you think you are? Saved her rejection letters.

She saved her rejection letters. And not even until she recorded her album. Even after that, she was a superstar for 25 years. She still saved them. You guys were both too young to remember 1985, 30 years ago. No, no. Right now, Madonna had this country.

Like, it was her and Michael. Like, she was telling Michael Jackson. I remember everything. The gloves, I was 11. Yeah. The gloves everywhere, the stocking gloves, whatever they're called. Everybody dressed like a virgin. Everybody.

Every chick had gloves, glasses, the blonde. And then she switched it up with Vogue and all that shit. You're like, wow, she was massive. Her book, when I was in Israel, her book came out of, like, sex pictures. Yeah, 91. 92. She put the, this is what this bitch did for you. She put the book out with the pictures of her naked.

She made Rodman look good. Yeah. She took the, she made the Pepsi video, and she got five for putting the black Jesus. Oh yeah. Life is a... Oh yeah. And then her thing was

one of the first things to get banned and go massive. Massive. She sold so many actual copies. All she knew. She knew.

She was gonna fuck with them. She knew she was gonna fuck with them. They wouldn't put on MTV so fine. I'll sell my own and be a millionaire office. She's fucked.

She did all... And then you'll play it. You'll play it eventually. Justify my love. Justify my love. Yeah, she was getting fucked by like a Jesus statue. Yeah, put the beginning of

just to justify my love. She's getting fucked like an animal in that video. Let me see that monitor, Cocksucker. Don't hide it from me. Just to my... Just about my love? God, she was... I masturbated her so many times.

Yeah, yeah. She was badass, man. Her pictures, her black and white pictures are gray. But she had hair in the armpits? Oh, yeah! Yeah! That's right. We remembers that shit.

We block it. Let me see that monitor. This is just fucking. This is just fucking... Big screen it. Yeah, oh, she's already half naked. What's she doing? She's coming from getting fucked or something.

Yeah. She's got makeup with sperm on her breath. Oh, yeah. She's been drinking my... She doesn't know what flavoring about. Oh, my God. Look at her. She was like, I'm selling sick.

Who were those people? She's dropping her briefcase. What? Was that a guy or a girl? I don't know. Doesn't matter. That's Madonna. She's taking her shit.

Oh, my God. Does the people see this? No. Wait, actually. Oh, shit. Jesus, dude. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

What year is this? 91. 92. Fuck, Lana Del Rey. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That half-kiss thing? Fuck, she's hot.

Oh, my God. Somebody else is fucking in the... She's a savage, guys. Her marketing is fucking marketing 101. Oh, my God. She pushed the envelope. They banned her, and then she double up. She doubled up on that.

Everybody, dog. Oh, my God. I'm horny as shit now. Well, go believe yourself. Fuck. I'm a jerk off on the floor like a peep show. Golly. She was so high.

I forgot it, but all I see is that fucking dinosaur now. How old was she then? She was 30. She broke late. But even at 40, she was looking kind of good. Yeah, but now she's like 71. She was like doing a cabala? No, she ain't 71.

Jennifer Lopez to look really good. No, fuck that. She borrowed a time before to look like. You don't like Jennifer Lopez? None at all. I used to. She used to be hot. Did you see that video she just did with Iggyzalia?

No. Yeah. What, whose ass is the fucking fatest? Something like that. Fuck that noise. Had to play it and surround. I think that's the white name of the song. That's the fucking ass is the fattest.

Put the pizza down, Iggy. Put that pizza down. It's getting too much. It was chubby and then it's too much now. I don't know why she started ballad about eight years ago. Her, Christine Aguillera. They just fucking pissed me off. This one is cute.

You know I like Christina Aguilera? She came into Ellen after she had her baby. And you know how women, when they get pregnant, their boobs get big? She's wearing this, she already had big boobs. She's wearing this cleavage, like cut shirts, just on the cleavage. She sits down. Ellen's like, please welcome Ellen. I mean, Christina Aguilera.

She comes in. Ellen's fucking staring at those tits. She cannot stop staring. And Christina's like, that's good to be here. And she goes, yeah, it's good to have you. And then I looks up and goes, So you had a baby, huh? Oh, they were...

Anyway, so I'll like her for that. So we were talking about the fucking Comedy Central thing. Oh, yeah. This Thursday, and every Thursday. For how long? Eight weeks? Eight weeks. Eight weeks. I'm on the last one. You're on the very last one.

As usual. You're closing it out. Every... You're headlining. Standard Revolution? Everything. Your headlining. Instead of the revolution, they put me on after the janitor.

At like midnight. I got there at 8th, and I got one up at one in the morning. They always put me up fucking last. It's the worst ever. And people, oh, yeah, yeah, you're going up. No, I'm not going up fucking last. These guys are all got better credits to me. Fuck you motherfuckers.

I'm going up third. It told you a great story. I requested it. I wanted to be the last one. You know, man, you're one of the few people who don't give a fuck. When they say to them, Joe Deers, you're like, He's doing it. He's doing it.

That's the first discussion. Right where we were a meeting. He was like, well, should we have people from like, well, Joey will do it. And then let's start booking it now. It's crazy. And it's a great feeling when you're friends. I remember Gabriel pulling me aside going, dog. They were like, no, no, no, no, no.

He goes, I just sat in that room and said, yes, yes, yes, yes. They didn't fight me on you. They didn't find me on you at all. I will pay him out of your pocket. Because that's what he told him. He goes, I'll do it out of my pocket. Really? And I'll put it on my own DVD.

I do Diaz just for me. And they all agreed. They were all down there's same fucking people that are down there, whatever's been down in Arizona. And I had to go up in front of them. It's the weirdest thing because they try to put the Malook on me. They put the Maloic on me, you know? The Maloic.

So fucking, uh... What do they do? They just stab me down. Oh, really? Oh, so then you get worried, because you know they don't like you. Yeah. So then you're like, fuck, I'm supposed to form in this environment. Yeah, you know.

You just know. The other night, it's like when I went to that place for the other night, I felt the heat from people. What place? Oh, that comedy. There was just too many people who didn't like me there. It was just too many that was an assortment. They were like, what's this?

What the fuck is this shit? There were a lot of people that did like you. No. When they showed that preview video, you're the only one that got claps. You and Miss Pat. Let me tell you something. Got like audible claps. I want to tell the darkest story.

You should have. Fuck those people. You should have. That's the show. No, no. Say whatever you want. Those people were not going to handle it. Me hitting somebody with a bat and his eyes rolling

and we thought we killed him. That was great. They did it. You got to it eventually. They loved it. And it's funny because I have not seen a picture of Didi, the kid who had the hepatitis C. But he didn't really have hepatitis. Did he got HIV? Oh, no. That's way worse than hepatitis.

I don't even know what hepatitis does. I know what HIV does. My other buddy who died had hepatitis C from shooting steroids. You die from hepatitis C? You could die. Isn't that pre-HV? Yes. Well, no, no, no, I'm sorry. No, it's not.

I'm so sorry. There's two hepatitis B. Yeah, there's two hepatitis, I think. They could be a car. I don't know. I had a friend who had the really bad one, the one that you can't drink alcohol, you can't do a thousand things.

Yeah, but he did whatever the fuck he wanted to. He was like borderline fucking when you have to go do the thing with your blood every week. For you to justify my love. But that's always been tough for me. It's like performing. like whenever you see Jordy with his buddies

I don't like those people Jordan is cool right because there's too straight yeah they're too fucking straight and you look at them as the face the people that rejected you

for the last 15 years well you look at them you have the job position of the people who say Joey Diaz is shit I don't understand I don't know I have a hard time

with so many levels of this business I cannot I'm happy that you're doing well because it gives a lot of people a black eye because most people who listen to the show and people at home don't understand how the comedy thing works here

when you get here Ari, how many people weren't even up to your level and we're already with three yards and girls who get deals. You guys like you and me sitting there going, come on. What the fuck are we doing wrong? Can you just get an audition? And we would get a doubt, bro, I met with every agent.

I met with every agent in this town that would go I love you. But now I've got to sell you to 15 people and that's going to be tough. Is it just more marketable and has nothing to do it? at that way. It's a thousand. But it's also, you know, who they see you with too.

I was dirty. I was way dirtier on early on. And then, you know, eight years passed and they would go, oh, that guy's filthy. And it's like, eh, you know, it's fine to be filthy,

but I'm not as bad as you think I am. You just haven't seen it. So they get it a head thing in your head, or they associate with Rogan, and it's like, oh, you must be a meathead. That's all right. Like Nick DePaulo

used to think I was in Altcomic because I wore cardigans. And he's like, oh, you must love Janine Garoflo. I was like, What are you talking about? He's like, I can see you. So people see you. It's one way.

That's it. I don't know. He slipped through the cracks. You know, when I moved here in 97, the store was very cocaine oriented. It was Coke, really? Not Coke anymore. And I was a Coke guy. I was a Coke head.

And I was part of that circle. And I heard it, and somebody pulled me aside. It was like a 99. Like a 99. Somebody pulled me aside and said, hey, man. I was, and you know who started? The first guy, Luke Torres. Luke Torres went to a meeting.

He goes, Joe Deans, that Coke had a week earlier? I had given him like 10 bucks of Coke. So this is this town. This is what you need to worry about. I was doing Coke with this guy. And a week later, he goes to a pitch meeting that a friend of mine is there. It says you're a big Cokehead? He goes, that Cokehead?

That's not a very friendly thing to do. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No one's less supportive.

But that's what I was saying to you. I was telling you outside was smoking pot that I've been in prison like in a halfway house situation I've been in prison you know I've lived in situations where I was surrounded with scumbags

because I was a scumbag you know not for long periods of time but people that you had to watch yourself at every level like you had to put your hands in your pockets in your sleep like that that's how bad it was

because you never fucking knew comedians to me without the violence just with the emotional are worse people than the people that was locked in with in prison

because they do something worse to you than rob you. If I come up to Ari and I go Ari, I give me 300 bucks I need it to pay the rent. I don't pay Ari again. That's it. I don't pay Ari again.

Ari gets mad at me I'll never see Ari, whatever. But with comics, you have like this fake war that doesn't exist. Big war. Like you're in competition, but you're not in any competition. I didn't do this to be a competition.

I want to be the best one. I want to get any better than you. It's like, I thought you just want to be a successful comedian. My third year in town, I realized that when you get here, you have friends. You'll cut your legs out from under you. They do. I saw a girl, her agent was thinking of signing her friend, like her good friend. And she talked to him out of it.

I was just like, no, it gets my category. Don't do that. And it's like, why are you kidding me? And then that decides somebody's life. Yeah. They don't get an age in a year. They don't get an audition. They could have booked in that time.

That could have been their friends. How do you live with yourself when you do? It's like I was watching... You forget it instantly. I was watching a show yesterday on blacklist and they were just killing random people. And it's like, how do you think you live if you killed somebody and like be okay with it? How could like I'd be okay if someone was going to book Joey for a comedy show? Yeah.

And I said, oh, don't. He's a bad person. People compartmentalize. how people compartmentalize you ever see the killing fields or the killings whatever and they're finally remembering what they did murdered fucking 600 people and when they're finally remembering it they're like oh shit that was bad but they don't think about it normally they're like yeah we chop their heads off and stuff it still wasn't getting set in what was that movie the killing fields a documentary about pole pot and stuff yeah but all those people that were just like they were

like we had to go here because there's a courtyard that would catch all the blood it would fill up it would be up to our ankles and blood we don't want to waste bullets so he'd take chicken, fucking piano wire, wrap it around their heads and an even person pull. Jesus. You know, Mark Babbit was a friend of mine. Mark Abbott was, yeah. You stood for Babbit.

And I liked Babbit, even though he was a fucking freak, and I sent him a blank tape and all that shit. To see if he'd ever watch it? Yeah, he never watched it. He told me it was great. I never put nothing on it. And I sent it to him. Freddy Soto kept torture me going, Babit wants to hire you,

but he wants to tape. If he wants to hire me, then hire me. Then hire me. What's the need a tape for? Oh, he needs to him. needs a tape. And you sent him a blank tape? And he hired me. And he hired you. So why did he need the tape? If he was a, if it was, because it just, it's just, he just wanted you to jump through the fucking hoop.

So we became friend Babbit, you know, and when he was doing the Freddie, remember he was doing that tour with Freddy. Oh, they did the tour with Freddy. Three amigos? Yeah. Didn't they do three amigos? I went. And see you, Freddy. And Pablo. And I remember that I went backstage and they had like a little food setup. And these three comics were 30 feet. away from each other. But I could feel the energy in between them how much they didn't want to be around each other.

Like, no matter what, how funny, whatever was, Carlos would go, yeah, Pablo's funny, he's a co-cat. You know, and then, you know, they would say something about Freddie. Carlos would, in those days, was the type of guy that he would mess with you before you went on stage. In a little way. Like he was hosting some show, hosting a stand-up show,

and before he brought Johnny Sanchez on, this is a TV show or something. Before he brought Johnny Sanchez on, he did his main bit and it's like it won't be in the edit you know they'll never show it because they already did my time at front and then Johnny's like what the fuck man

why would you do that I was about to do that whole bit why would the... That was that you're so mean and I remember one time while they were shooting that Carlos was hosting and Freddy was yelling at Pat Buckles that he was quitting because Carlos had done his joke

he saw on Midam and Sia he saw there was like a promo and they showed like four different clips on either side of a picture of Vensia when it was first premiered and Freddie was crying because he was like those three of those are my bits he took three of my bits and he's putting it on the comedy central website how am I could convince anyone those are my bits

and he was crying about it it was fucking hard and I learned that and I was also upset with like the rogue and thing you know it's just something I have with comics and I've been telling Felicia and Felicia didn't understand because she's such a nice person you know

Felicia buys into it you know And then they throw you the fuck out of whatever the fuck they throw you out. For me, I always had this silent thing. With comedians, I either liked you or didn't like. Yeah, sure. You nod and say hello and you walk on or you do it. You walk on and you stop and you talk to people. But in my world, I got to be honest, they're the shittiest people I've ever met.

You know, and there's so many different perspectives that I look at. Like, I've had club owners call me after they've gotten fired or something and say, hey minute, how are you doing? Let me pick up the phone. They go, good, how are you doing? You talk to them? He goes, man, nobody called me. back. Of course. They didn't really like you.

That's it. That's it because you don't have nothing to offer. We're so trained here. It's not about friendship. It's about like you're my friend. I like you of the people I have to do this with. Okay. If somebody came up to me and said Ari Shafir is a rapist and Ari came up to me a week later

and goes, dog, I'm a big time comic. I want to take you on the road. But I'm going to pay you $3,000 in your meals. You know what? In real life. In real life, I'd go go, go fuck you. so. But as a comedian, it's an opportunity.

Ari and his rapisms. You know, there's comics that are gay. That's what Taylor said about Mansega. He goes, if he just gave comments parts, shitty, like, fucking $200 parts on his show, no one would have really defended it. They just would have been like, eh, you know, you shouldn't do it, but whatever. I've never been big on people who sell their souls at any point in their life for anything. So I never

understood the whole That's why I know about you. When you were like, when you were like, they made you fucking give up your cats. He's like, fuck, I'm not giving up my cats. And you're like, what are you going to do? He's like, I'm going to move. You're going to pay twice as much in rent. And go, yeah, what am I going to do?

What am I going to do? What would I be if I give up my pets to save money on rent? What would I do? Yeah. So you moved to North Hollywood. You never thought you could live in North Hollywood. Lee said some to me. We're Hollywood born and bred.

Oh, my God, I loved Hollywood, but then the traffic was killing me. Lee said some to me last night. We spoke about just general shit, football. Yeah. And he told me that he said. Did you see that game? Yes, I mean. He told me he went to the gym yesterday, 24-hour fitness, and it was empty. Yeah.

Since January 1st, it's been packed. Oh, because of the resolutions. So that means on the 7th, on the 18th, the commitments were gone. Not even three weeks in. Not even three weeks in. That's how we are as friends to one another, a lot of people in this town. The first week of the year, I took 20 minutes to get a parking space, and then yesterday no one was there. No loyalty.

No loyalty. There's really nothing. You know what I was like Dave Rath? No matter what, because he was there for Freddie when he died. He was there, like, taking care of the funeral arrangements as we were all weeping and stuff. He wasn't even representing Freddie. But he stood up and done it. And then Brody Stevens, too, when he started going crazy.

Dave Raff was in charge of all that. And I was like, you got to be loyal to the shit like that. No matter what happens down the road, you've got to be like, all right, man, you're always going to be cool. You need a hand up. Yeah, people don't. They forget. They're like, whatever.

You're below me now. I never understood people forgetting. I never understood people forgetting. And then when people tell me something like that about people, it shuts me down like a human. But then you sell a story two different ways. Like we were talking when you and Justin talking about how Marin's manager was like,

oh, he wasn't loyal. He got big and then he dropped me. But then you hear it from the other side, Merrin was like, look, I'm not doing anything. You're not going to be a single audition. I'm going to try this podcast and stuff. And his manager was like, nah, stupid idea. Won't go anywhere.

So then he dropped. So then the story gets sold out of he's not loyal. But it's like, no, this guy was a piece of shit. He didn't believe in me anymore. He didn't believe him. And then grew. So it depends. You know, people sell those stories both ways.

And then the best part, I'm sure you just dealt with it, how many people who were shitty to you wanted them to be on your new TV show? Dude, you... No, I didn't really get any of that. Really? I didn't really get any of that. But when I booked my first commercial, I remember people like saying hi to me. I'm like, you wouldn't even give me the time of day.

And now you're coming up to me and saying hi, how you doing? Because you think I'm doing, because I'm more of a player in the biz. It feels really good to be shady. I would say hi to you. And you would walk by me. me. You know, I said Eddie Griffin, I told that once. I was this girl who liked it at that. Then I told him, she was like, oh, hey, how are you doing? I said a commercial.

I've tried to say, how do you look, 2010? They didn't say anything. I said Eddie Griffin. I was like, did you get that? He goes, yeah. He goes, you know how you get back at them? I was like, how? He goes, you have sex with them. That's how you get back with them. You have, you fuck them. Just cash in, man. Who cares? I told Rogan that

because he never really, you know, Rogan's had his career. Yeah. We've been around Rogan he thinks that everybody's career is the same way. You and I both know that it was too different. Not. Exactly. Everybody's like oh that club owner's nice to me. Oh really? Everybody says it's an asshole he's nice to you? What do you

think that is? So I told him that life changes dramatically once somebody sees you on TV the first time even if it's just having one line because now you changed. Now they know it could happen. Not today. Maybe that wasn't

the role but it could fucking happen. We don't want to have to tell you, no. Right. So people just think, oh, keep in touch. They don't want to say, no, I don't see it. They don't say it. They don't say that. I've always said that.

Just say, look, I don't see this happening with you right now. One of the biggest things that bothered me about when we're in this town. That's not my taste. Where people not getting back to me in the beginning. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Please call me. They don't ever want to tell you no because you might remember them later on. Is the guy who fucked on?

Well, regular job interviews do that too. No one gets calls back ever. Well, you have to call that. Oh, I've never done that. You have to call them. When you apply for a job, when you're in the car? I'm going to follow up.

I call that, motherfucker and thank him. And then a day later, I call them to ask me if you got all my paperwork in. Did you get everything you needed? Maybe I forgot something on the application. No, I got everything here.

And nine other ten, the guy would go, well, I got you on the phone. Let me get you back for another interview or you got the job. Just because you called. Oh, you know what? You all right. I didn't even look at the application.

He was like, the guy wasn't bad. He hadn't gotten to it yet. Oh, I got to go over those fucking 10 people. Decide who. You seem fine, man. Yeah, come on. Yeah, go ahead. Why not?

Especially you're a salesman call. If you're going for a salesman job, and you're not selling. If you don't call that motherfucker from the car, the house, the hotel, the plane, then you're not going to get it because that shows them. You're persistent.

That's how you sell something. Nobody's going to sell you something the first time they call you. Come on, Jack. I can call you the fourth time. Jack, grab the card. I'm going four in O today. I got the New England Patriots Go fucking big

One of the shows I worked on This kid got his job Because he just was walking around And handing out resumes He ended up sucking But he got the job because of it People used to throw their rolled-up scripts In convertibles

As they were leaving the studios Oh God Remember that As I used to say They'd roll up their scripts Put rubber bands around them And as people were driving out of those studios In their convertoes

People would throw their scripts Into the cars Like get people to read their script That's another thing I don't understand About how you live with yourself Who was ever reading that script? Ever.

It's so scummy. Like who could be like that creepy about it and live with yourself? That's another, I don't know. Read this. It's so good. You'd be fucking surprised if they did. Listen, I'm a creepy dude. I hated that. I had a guy call me in for a meeting once.

Strung me along, strong me on. Then I called me in for a meeting. I went in there and meeting for a manager and he was like, okay, yeah, it's like, thanks for coming in. So listen, I don't think we can work with you. We're kind of full right now. I was like, wow. And then he starts talking about the reasons.

and what the business is going and what I'm just tuning out now at this point and I'm just looking around this office and I'm like why am I here why am I in Beverly Hills at 10 30 on a Tuesday I should be in bed I woke up just tell me you could have told me this like a fucking phone don't call the meeting it's like having to come in to get fired yeah can you call me in it validated parking walk out how was your meeting oh I went to 30 of those Why am I here? I told that Shandra. She was like, I don't know why he would have called you in to say that. I remember when I first got here, there used to be a place on Santa Monica Boulevard that did comedy and the industry was all over. It wasn't Largo.

There was one over where, oh my God, downstairs. So it was Largo and then there was something else. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that was the big alt room. That was the big alt room. Luna Lounge. Luna Lounge. This is 98.

I don't know what there was. The word on the street was if you blew up Luna Lounge, you walked out of it. That's it. You're in. You at least had a development deal for your own show to make. But it was getting on. It was getting on. That was a motherfucker.

So unless you knew somebody who could, like there was one kid who'd get you on, but he tormented you did 55 minutes in between you. Oh, really? So it was him, and he put four comedies on with the show last three hours because he did 30 minutes in between everybody. Because different people booked every night. Right, because he wanted to get a deal. and he was horrible. He had big ears. He was hard.

I forget what the fucking guy's name was. Who was it? I forget what his name was. Joe Loz on. Then there was a place on Santa Monica that was like a restaurant. Oh, these jeans. And it was, I got the same thing with these shorts on today. And it was Wednesday nights at 10 o'clock.

And I left there one day. And the next time I get to the store and Scott Day is there. And Scott Day comes downstairs. He goes, hey, man, these people came by today. They want to sign me. I go, Scott, are you serious? He goes, they're fucking great. They're great.

They used to be a soap factor, a soap opera, a soap opera agency. But now the guy over there left Water Brothers, and he's got all these people. I forget who was their big guy at the time? Pierre was over there. It was an agency. Like Pierre?

Yeah, but now they're huge. Now it's like they merged somebody else now. So I go down there, oh, we loved you the other night, the Laugh Factory or at that place. not Luna Lounge. All right. We'd like to come see you again. Hold on one second.

Those days, all you have to do is call Scott Day. Scott, I'm hearing Joe's office. You got a show on. Boom, 930, 930, 915, 905. You got a primo spot. They set you up to win. The comedy store it sets you up to win. No one could bump you.

They didn't start by your name. Then you started doing fake box. Yeah. Mike Young was the king of that. Mike Young was the king of that. He called him for showcases 19 straight weeks. Like Mike Young, we're going to take away the system from everybody. Yeah.

Well, you're going to take away the system from everybody. Yeah. Well, you're going. Keeps not showing my accident. Get out of here. If your guy's not here, you can't go on stage. So they came to see me. This time they brought like six people.

Yeah. Okay. I called them, what's up? Oh, we loved you. Now we got to bring accounting, bookkeeping. How stressful is that? It's a fucking nightmare. When all you want to do is do something.

Because if you go to an agent, they tell you, we can't sign you. Let me see you're real. I got no real. I got no agent. Okay, go get a real and come back. How am I going to get a real if I got a real? fucking agent. So it was a catch 22. So all I wanted

to do was get a theatrical agent. Mitzie was getting me spots. I wanted a fucking theatrical agent. I was here like four or five months. This was it. I went to Ross and bought a shirt, a tie. This was it. They were fucking huge. This guy had just left Warner Brothers. The assistant had left fucking

CAA. This guy had left this. There were a powerhouse. They were on a... Do you know what they were? Cross the street from where you lived, upstairs. That's where they were. All right? Remember the thing they knocked down where you lived? Across the street this way. Once they knocked that down, it was such a good view after that.

Yeah, this way. When you went this way and you went like 30 feet, you had to go through a patio thing and you went upstairs. Oh, yeah. And they were huge. They hold the whole floor this agent. Really? That place went under. That place was empty for a fucking decade.

So I went over there, but my gate of them. We love you. Bookkeeping and accounting has to see you now. I had a showcase. Okay. Then they showcased 9 o'clock, 9 o'clock. Now 14 people came with suits right from fucking work. You want to talk about nerves?

Mitzie showed up. Everybody was there. Boom, I killed. They hugged me. We're going to talk tomorrow. What do you think? Tomorrow, boom. Went down there 14 people.

Okay, now they wanted to see something else. I talked about it. Then there was the Christmas holiday. Then I went down to January 20th. And they sat me down six in the course. conference room often be like Pellegrino water and said you know what we can't we're going to pass

on you right now but we're going to keep eye on you oh what a fucking two-faced we believe you're somebody to deal with in the future and deal with me out that's like that's like saying like at best that's like saying develop build your own career and then we'll take over yeah

where it's like no I need your help now and then I will stay with you later that's what it was back then that's what it basically fucking was Jesus Christ. It was rough. It was rough, man. Nobody was signing as an agent. Forget about managers. Then I had Bobby Slayton's manager who was fucking horrendous. Oh, my God. I was just sending her checks. Because you have to pay them 50%. And now I'm doing nothing. I'm doing nothing. And here I have booking $900 jobs.

Sending her $130. She didn't even fucking call me at the audition. Just because she was my manager. Oh, my God. But Figen, Figen wanted some of Rogan's money. Opening for Rogan money. You're like, yeah, man. Give me 10% of that shit. What? It might... It must suck, though, for, like, managers, though.

If, like, you're a good manager and someone just gets big and leaves you right as you're about to make all your money. Yeah, but the reason they leave you is because you're... Most of the time, you're not doing anything. Not doing anything. It ain't like you signed a giant deal. And before you signed the paperwork, like, hold on, let me fire my manager real quick

so I can sign this. It ain't that. You drop them, and you start moving ahead on your own. Oh, okay. It's getting to get to shit. It's commitment 19 days. You just talked about it. That's the day.

National commitment level. 19 days. So if I come here and I go, I'm going to sign Ari Shafir. We're going to make this happen. The first three days, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, he gets on a phone, right?

Like a slave. He's calling everybody. As soon as he signs you. We love Ari. We love Ari. He probably will get you a tremendous audition. That last two and a half weeks. You know?

I mean, everything will happen in like two weeks. And then the first no or the two nose he gets if you don't get that big audition. My heart's not in the middle. But they don't change. just drop you there. They don't drop you there.

They don't drop you there. They just go, well, wait, let's see what else comes. And then they just hold you for like a year. You're like, oh, come on. Just say, look, I gave it a good push. I'm not getting a good response on you. It's kind of a fucked-up way to make your living. It is. Taking commission.

Because then it's like, why wouldn't they work on people who are making them more money? Yeah, I get it. And then the worst is when you bump up to other clients. And they pull your side and go, hey, has Nick been working for you? You're like, no, you haven't heard from me either. He sucks, probably He'll tell you a story by another client Did you hear what he did to Whitney?

Yeah, he told Whitney he had No, some three clients are talking about him Because that's how small the community is We see each other So all I got to do is go up to him Go, come in for a second Did he call you with that? Yeah, what the fuck's he thinking?

Did you know what he did to Lee? He told Lee was going to say And all of a sudden that's it Now you got three motherfuckers, now you got John Gotti all over again They're going to shoot you They're all talking Your heart's not in it.

You used to say it all the time. It's like, why am I... Did I have an audition today? Did I have an audition this week? Then why do I keep seeing you on Facebook between the hours of nine and five? Why are you updating your status on Facebook when I don't have an audition?

Playing it fucking simple. I don't get that shit. Pick up the fucking phone, call somebody, make a connection. Remember at the old origin? They couldn't even get us into the fucking casting director that was in his hall. It was down the hall.

Right on Laurel Canyon there. Yeah. It was down the hall. They were both on the front. fourth floor. They couldn't even get you on audition on CSI Miami or the other one that was cast out of there. And they're like, come on, you can't get me. Just, for sheer embarrassment

alone of having to piss next to you every day. Wasn't the lady really a bitch there? I don't know. Origin. Yeah, that's a Lauren's which. She was a bitch. She was dutherwood that didn't She's nice enough pleasant enough, but then when they're like split up, she was like, are you going to stay here? I'm like, what are you talking about? You've never gotten me any

I never given a chance. They don't even say hello. And you know, I'm friends with him. And he's changed my life. And you've never done it. Like, why would you even make this call? What a cunt you would have to be to accept me coming over there. You should be like, no, no, no, no, no.

You're his friend. And, you know, you pretty much only made money over there. We, we, no, you shouldn't come over here. Going out of the way to call. You want your money. You want your money. Please. Yeah.

They're coming back. Got it, Cucksucker. What was, I, remember what they had, like, those yellow books? Oh, shit, they had those yellow books, and you could send packages away. To agents. Oh, yeah, at the same old French. Ten bucks, you got to get it. That's the only way you get an agent.

Send. Send out 80 envelopes. Pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks your heart. I said four will come back. I want to get you. This is nice As I

This is good as it gets though A somebody Who Will swear to be true How many do you guys have? How many stars do you have? I had two and a candy

Oh my gosh With The soldiers unfortunately You know what I'm trying to tell you that shit So they had these yellow envelopes Yeah Oh yeah And you went to Samuel French

And you paid ten bucks You went home. The agent envelope? They also had a manager envelope. They separated it. They separated. Double their income. So then some smart motherfucker had the labels.

The labels. Already mail order to William Morris. Two. Gersh. Two. This place. Two. This place.

So I would go in there by the book with shoplift the labels. I'd be behind the book. Shove them in. The labels were 1995. So I would shoplift the manager labels but steal the agents. They would tell you which ones would accept submissions from non-sag, which ones would SAG only. They still have,

I have like an old... Some are like looking for comedians specifically. So is that just before the internet? Yeah, before the internet. Like, I was like, why would that even be a business? It was before the internet operator as it did.

The internet was around, but it wasn't like that. That's crazy. Yeah, people still have maps in their cars. That's right. And then you had a... You had this fucking thing and you sent the thing. They'd say, we were looking for comedians, characters, musicians,

and that's where you made a list. And you sent it to them, I just that. They're looking for character comics. People like that. They get about submissions. So I sent this thing to this agent. The best way to find a commercial agent.

That was the best way. That was the best way. Because all they look at yours is their headshot? Right. And they're like, cool. Yeah. They'll give you a shot with a commercial agent. They'll have 300 clients.

They'll have 300 clients. It's not a big deal. They don't give a fuck. They'll give you a shot. You'll get in. You'll go on for everything with commercials. So I send like 20 packages and I got a call from three people. And one of them is a lady.

She goes, I'd love to meet you. I go, right, where's your office? I look at the paperwork and I go, are you still on the Sun Tish? She goes, yeah, but I'm working out of Pasadena. Wait. I go, okay. I think I went to that lady. And there was a dump.

She shared an office with another guy. There was a dog that was holding. Dog, yeah, across the worker from the golf course. And they had tons of headshots on the floor and everywhere. I mean, the only that they had left off open in their office was like this. It was like hoarders For head shots Like they were collecting the dreams of want to be actors

They were just feeding off their fucking dreams Look at their face She called every time There was packed stacks and stacks And hoarder headshots Packley Her telling me she could get me on a TV show In three hours or she was

Oh my God I remember her I'm sitting there go wine Are you in an office in Pasadena Couldn't wrap your head around her But you wanted to believe Yeah, she was that good leave. She was that fucking good. Oh, this will get me where I want a dream of.

I'll be an actor or something, I guess. Is that what it's supposed to want? It was horrid. And then it's just on the chance that you book something she makes money. I don't know what chance it was. She can get you in. By all means, but they have a phone. But the classic scan that got worked on me.

No, it didn't get worked on me. She almost had me. But I didn't go for it. If you listen to me... Get headshots to my friend. Which one? That's what they always say. You do headshots?

Here's my recommendation. No, no, no. This was route. When I first moved here, there was a lady who was managing Monique Marquez. Okay, okay. Decent name. She was friends with Jamie Massada. That's a great call-a-car.

Okay, she pulled her talent from the Laugh Factory. Okay, so she had a couple big names. But one of the people she had was Monique Marquez. So guess who signs with her in 98? Boom. Joseph, Coco, D.S. No, Ralphie Mae. Oh, okay. Ralphie Mae comes to town.

She tells Ralphie, you're going to be a star. She's a Jewish woman from Miami. He grew up around humans. A lot of fucking yelling and screaming. Cool, good flavor? She was a chubby little Jewish woman. Yelling and screaming at the comedy store and at the... So, one night she calls me on the moon.

She goes, I watch your set. You're filthy, but I have something for you right now, right now. I go, what is it? She goes, here's the deal. I spoke to them already. It's a recurring. I was not ready. What?

It's a recurring role and some NBC show that obviously didn't last. And she goes, I spoke to them about you. You were not ready? No, not at all. She goes,

they want to see you at 4.30 today and they'll probably put you on 12. In those days, you sign for 27 episodes or something. They'll put you on 13 or 27 episodes.

I have them on hold right now. She's calling you. You want to believe so bad. She's calling a guy not one party. He goes, wait a minute. I've never. never shot anything in my life.

My life. And they want me because... Why would you not think of someone else? At that point, I shot a commercial for Taco Bell. Yeah, with a dog? And maybe something else.

But no, there was no hope of me. I had one line or something. And so she said they're on hold right now. She goes, I'm on hold right now. All I need is your commitment. Fax me. I'll fax you a contract. You sign it and fax it right back to me.

That's so scammy. Oh, my God. And I'll get you on this show today. You will be shooting by next week. You'll be making $15,000 to $12,000 or something. Something's not right. Ralphie's been with her for a month and nothing's happened. Right.

Like she had like a little livestock of people. So I said no and you don't know what you're missing. And then about a month later, I started hearing fucked up shit about that. She would charge her clients. Money for postage. So at the end of the month, you got a bill from her. That's part of your 10%. That was part.

She was that Jewelie guys. the end of the month she would send you a bill for the phone call she made office cost so you would get like a hundred dollar bill from her every fucking month which when you're a starving comic is a lot i'll never forget that ralphi comes up to uh the store one night really depressed this is how i met ralphi this is the conversation that changed our lives when ralphi moved to los angeles he was a complete different person let's get the side of the way he was completely different he was from the south He was shy, he didn't say much, but when he went on stage, he was a ball of energy.

But he was baking fat. He was 700 pounds when he moved to L.A. You see this for all pictures of him, and it's round. It's amazing. But he was a sweetheart. He lived at Doug Stanhope's apartment. The ward that Doug Stanhope gave up with the other kid from Alaska. That's the apartment he took over.

So he had just moved to this town. So it's a lonely Sunday night at the store. It's late December. And Ralphie's gloomy guss. He's got a long face. And he comes up to me He goes, how are you doing, Coco? I have a problem.

In those days, he used to call me Mr. Diaz. This is how bad he was, Ralph. He said, what are you talking about? It's Coco, Joey, whatever. Mr. Diaz? Mr. Diaz. What the fuck are you talking about? So he's telling me how James Massano

wants to sign him, but he feels guilty because he's been managed by the other lady. And right away, I knew the lady was a slender. He was a, well, I knew she was a scammer, and I wanted to tell him, but this kid's so sweet, he's not going to even understand what the fuck I'm saying, you know? So he's telling me the host, well, he goes, you know, she's dying of cancer.

And I go, no, I didn't done her. He goes, she's dying of cancer. So I don't want to dump her on her deathbed. He goes, so what do you think? If I sign with Jamie, I go to Montreal, do I stay with her? I go, that bitch got one foot of the grave, one of banana peel. Call her up right now and launch that motherfucker. And I'll never forget that he was.

was such a sweetheart of a kid. Yeah. I did it really crazy, and he just looked at me. He wanted to cry, but the comic in him just let loose. And he was always different

towards me after that. Coco, that was crazy when you told me. Did you fire her? These guys come when they're young, and they're also religious and like, well, I've never even seen or heard anyone talk like this. It was crazy, guys. He fired her and signed with Jamie.

Wow. And then she... He's supposed to be like... She died. She died and he was broke. She did die. And now, Ralphie sends money to the family today. No way.

Ralphie bought her something. I know if you pull Ralphie aside, Ralphie bought her a tombstone, something. Ralphie did something. What? Because she was Ralphie's first manager. She didn't do anything. But she put him in front of somebody.

Okay, well, that she did do something. She did something. Maybe. You know Ralphie. Ralphie's dying and give me his fucking money. Yeah. So. Ralph made me a nug once the size of a phone.

fucking, it was the size of one of those scented candles for your place. What? Yeah. And he goes, look at this, look at this. And those, I was just getting into weed. I was like, wow, that's like a really big nug, man. And I was like, oh, I was like, I was like, cool. And I gave it back to me, no, that's for you. What? No, no, no, I'll take it, man. I can't do the impression. He's taking care of me.

I'm like, why? He goes, because Joey Diaz gave me a nug once. You only had two. So I'll always take care of him. I'll take care of everybody. He, uh, he's taking care of me. He says, She's never heard that weed. Since that conversation, Ralphie Mae has taken care of me one way or another. I'm dead serious of you people right now. He took care of me to, I got to say, five years ago. And he's still, all I got to do is call him.

All I got to do is call him. My tires blew up once. I called him up. I go on the road for three weeks. He's like, don't need to call me from the gas station. He just put the guy on the phone. It was two tires that blew. Ralphie bought me four, got the suspension fixed.

You know, Ralphie's one of those motherfuckers. He ain't just going to stop with two tires. You know, you know that. There was a year where, there was a year where Ralphie would get off the road, get in the rental car, and L.A.X., drive to my house. Before he'd even go to his house, we'd go to the pot store. Buy wheat. And he'd buy a quarter pound.

Matt's OG. A quarter pound. A quarter pound? Quarter pounds. In their prime. In their prime. Ralphie Mae was like the Michael Jordan

of weed he was like in his prime it's arguably the biggest tolerance of any company dean of all time he was smoking

eighth before breakfast every day could you hang with him Joey? Yeah oh yeah we used to sit there just have sessions

sessions and then he cook and then he cook oh I mean he would cook he cared so much about cooking both you guys whenever you gave me

a food recommendation we said I was moved to Poincette you got to go to the walk. Gigantic portions, really delicious. I looked at you, that's when you were fat. And I was like, I'm going to listen to this guy. On this subject, I will be at that walk.

Which is the Roy's Walk? Yeah, it was right on the corner of point said. Yeah, it's gone now. It's gone now. I think it's a falaf place now. Yes, that was the place I turned. You could order single combo, double combo, or triple combo. Oh, my God.

If you were triple combo, it was two and a half meals for $13. Lee. It was crazy. Lee, I don't you eat. It was like going to. Great. Great.

Good noodles and good rice. Rice and noodles. Both please. Thank you. What's the Chinese place next to Big Wands? Oh, Panxpress. This place was like

a fucking family-owned Panxpress type deal and they didn't give a fuck. Wait, we're a place we were just talking about. The Chinese place on Bell Rosa. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We used to get soup. Yeah, it was good. Everything was good there. It was spicy to give you the spicy right. I'd eat it as much as I could there Then take the rest in the one-block walk You have to take a hook

Back to 916 North Borincetia We had a back alley And I had neighbors next to me that would fuck And I'd put my glass to the wall And I would listen to them fuck right by my bed And eat Chinese food Yeah and I pretend to go take trash out to the alley Where the garbage cans were

So I could look in their window And look at them I got too scary I never got a good look They fucked all those guys That guy told me he had a He used to book a lot of commercials I booked my first one when I was there.

And he was like, I used to book a lot of commercials. I was like, oh, cool. It's like, you still doing that? No, I work at like a wine. Seller an hour or something. Like, I kind of ran out of money. And I was like, ooh, all right, listen. Don't spend your money.

Do you have to, like, take acting classes to get commercials? Fuck no. You got to get some glasses, grow a beard, and the old day wear a wristband. That's it. Yeah. That's it. You got to look the part, bro. I'm going to tell you, you were interested in it last week.

For yourself. I was like, maybe I should. Let's call aqua. Let's take it down to the aqua. Get your little bit shirt. You got any roly-poly categories left? Maybe. Yeah.

They'll love you, though. You'll do great. You'll do great. You know what? A guy like you will shoot three commercials a year. I knew some Asian kid who would just crash auditions and book them. And because he was so goofy, we'd go in them.

We love that guy. You're going to book three commercials a year. I know for a fact. You're $7,000 on each commercial. You're going to get SAG insurance. You get insurance. I just qualified again. After insurance.

I don't know what their insurance is like. What's it like? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I thought they joined the unions. See, why I thought they joined the unions?

Why am I not getting into joint? What, fuck? What the, come on, man. Guys, you know, why you make it harder on us? I don't want to get started another fucking topic here, but this is what's going right now.

Used to be $13,000. You get $1 insurance, no charge. Free, 100% free. I love 13 grand. You made that. I love open criticism. I appreciate it. I take them all like a champion.

I think about them, and I'll give you my explanation or my apology or my agreement on what subject we had. A couple weeks ago, my wife and I were talking. We were talking about something. She goes, you know, she goes, at times you're fucking paranoid these people.

And I go, you're talking about the people who fuck? I go, we just finished the conversation about how you told me that the biggest, you have to check your doctor bills now. Because they'll just charge you more. Always check your doctor bills.

You've built me three times for this. The last time you said that's the last charge. And now you're billing me again. Why am I doing with this? She was telling me this. She was just telling me this in a casual conversation. It's not like I made this up. I go, you were just telling me. They have dumb bookkeepers. You go, let the girls when you check in? You think they're great at fucking Excel?

I think they're awesome at it and they don't make mistakes ever. Excuse me, I've been here for 35 minutes. Well, when you go to American Airlines and you put your little suitcase down, they want another $100. Yeah. You know, it's not, it's time. People understand. You just call, I'm not even saying nothing bad. If you call AT&T and I can go, listen, I found the better deal.

or whatever. They want a buck in a quarter. We're always... I just pay $160 to leave DirecTV. To leave them. Are you feeling me? Your shit never worked. So I'm leaving, you're billing me? It never worked. That as an American consumer, I get fucked at one level or the other.

Every fucking day, whether I'm buying, well, not gas now. Verizon, DSL, a month and a half of calling them over and over and over again. The shit never worked. They sent three people. And they're like, well, we want $100 for the time. What the fuck are you talking? about. You had our box for a month,

I called four times a week. You should fucking pay me for my time. Tell them about the San Diego charge a ticket. Oh, I heard about that. So people get pissed. My wife's like, you know,

you have her right to leg. I go, every day I talk to somebody who gets ripped off by a corporate somehow. I had the shit on them, and then enough people to go, oh, we're sorry. Fuck, we looked at what happened.

We were really sorry. I'm like, what happens if I didn't fucking have a podcast? Then what you would have done? You just fuck somebody over, billed them with $360 for tickets that weren't even real. You'll go back so sorry, nothing we can do.

You see how much to... Give them a $100. $100.00. It'll give rid of you $100. Credit me all of it. Why am I making this call? You're faceless corporation. You just keep taking us, taking us. We're going to fight back. Horde your guns. You're going to need them.

Hort those guns. My wife gets mad of me. And then what about the ticket company that charges like a $19 service fee? 19, but you see what the Rogan tickets are. 26 bucks apiece. Two tickets, we paid $89. Horde your guns.

$89? So it was $29? So it was $16. But it was a fee of $29. Each one has a separate service fee. Each one. And I've talked to the people at the fucking, at the ticket place, and they go,

well, it's the venues. It's them charging it. I was like, well, then do a better job of publicizing who's doing it. Because you look like you have a bad fucking eye. You look like you got a black eye like you're doing. doing it. Two service charges? The service charges when you actually speak to someone. That's the

fucking service. You're not doing service. That's what they do now. Two charges? And it's one click! You've got to be kidding me. So you buy four tickets. You've got to be 14 bucks on each one? What does that mean service charge?

Is there any other way to do it? Okay. Thank God I'm not the only person that feels this way. Service charge. I thought it was just me. Brad Jam was saying it 20 years ago we weren't listening

we're called dumb hipsters I told him the story They're robbing you They're robbing you people That money doesn't go to the comic Or the fucking musician Doesn't go to them at all They're already getting paid

though the menu They're selling alcohol They're selling posters They're selling Service What's service? When we go in there with a t-shirt If they sell a t-shirt

They want 50% Yeah they get some of that too That's why you're like How come Oh these comics Whatever musicians are greedy. They're charging 30 bucks a station. They get percentage of the gross or the net, whatever the big one is. So you pay

seven bucks to get them printed and then they take eight. And then you're going to raise your price. You're making $2 a shirt. What's the point? Why do you get a cut? You know what Kid Rock does? He splits it down the middle. Everything. Liquor sales. T-shirt sales. Ticket prices. You can't charge more than $20 because my fucking audience, Justin tells me the list. My audience won't come. It's a good show, but it's not a fucking $75 show. But it's a real good show for 20. But I know they're drinkers,

and I know that's more valuable to you than fucking, you know, Tori Amos. That doesn't sell any booze. Sell some fucking depends, and that's it. That depends. Tampax. So he goes, I want a 50-50 cut. And they're like, all right, it's worth it. But what the service charge?

That's just them taking it. We add more. Why 14 and not 12 sometimes? It's just a random charge. What the fuck are you talking about? You didn't do it. I just had to pay because there are no more seats on a flight

and I had to sit in row four. I had to pay $30. Because there were no more seats. You had to pay extra? To sit in like not even first class. Just like higher up. Or they cram you in the back? You ever see that empty in the front

and the economy plus empty? We're all crammed in the back. Can we just spread out? There's no one in any of those rows. Nope. No. No, that wouldn't be fair. To the people who paid.

But nobody's paid. Why is there classism? Right now. Why are you forming classism? Fine. If somebody's in a row, let them have the whole road. But the empty rows, let us go there. It's like Hotel Rwanda here. Come on.

You're like Moses of the airport. Set us free. Horde your guns. We're definitely getting the victim. Horde your guns. The more they need, the more they fucking get in business with the government. Those corporations, you know why they can make another hundred bucks? Get the government to fucking look the other way.

I'm surprised. They changed laws. Knock on the fucking door right now. Horde your guns. The other day during our Josh Holtz podcast, a black lady did knock on the door and I almost panicked because I was still high from the podcast

with you or something So did you open the door? Yeah, she just wanted to go to the bathroom but it was a black man I was like, because Felipe as far as the one crazy one day and a black lady got his kid out of her last office How high are you, Lisa?

Pretty fucking high. You want to smoke some more hash? Not really. I felt it's so dry because I'm super high. I got a little more hash left with this fucking thing. We should pound this.

I got some blonde ass. That's what was in the joint. A little blonde ass. You motherfucker It tasted funny Dose me A blonde hash I got it so hot

Check it out people Buy a Asuka Oh my god My nose is so jammed I can't even smell it's so good Take it away for this A little blonde hash

A little platinum motherfucker fucking It's platinum Girl Scout cookies Oh girls scout cookies Is always good This is tremendous It's always good

Their weed over at Sunset, Herbal Center, where I go, it's great weed, but it's a little moisture time. Yeah. So I got to go home and put it in computer paper and hide it under the fucking printer. Yeah? And let it dry a little bit. Like, sometimes if I got a lot of weed, it dries overnight. So when I wake up in the morning, it's nice and poofty.

It's like a fucking bomb like this morning. That shit was dry. I put it in the bomb. I put it in the pipe. Bam. I was gone. This one. I hate these Cheerios and motherfuckered.

A egg and a piece of wheat. You told me, like, the names don't really matter. Like, one place someone can call something and something and it can be different. Like, shouldn't they make it so it's the same everywhere? Like, so you actually know what you're getting by the name? Is she getting fucked in there? Who's yelling? It's just a Russian lady who makes clothing.

No, that's what we think is human. Does it have any soundproofing in this place? That's how we think, you know. But it's not really like that. People sell it according to their market. So what? Weed names. So if they have a lot of wheat, like whatever Enigma O.G is in the Valley,

Enigma O.G. Your favorite store, Molly was going to be two different stories. Yeah, that should be the same. No, Malli is always the same. It might be different grows of the same, but it's the same type of high. Listen, man, I've talked to a lot of these owners. A lot of these owners who say that this comes in, but people won't buy that name. People just won't buy that name.

Oh, really? So they didn't rename it. So they were a name that sells for their market. You know, whatever is in Santa Barbara is different than somewhere else. Yeah. See, now if they have the TV on. I don't care. She put her TV on a drone us out.

I don't know. She put her TV on a drone out. That's all right. Yeah. The police are probably coming because hoard your guns. We're not that far from the police station. The ATF is going to bang on the door. Let me give some shout out to it.

It's our rock Mastrangelo. Is the office under Dias? Aaron Blunt. Corey Mo. Corey Lighter. Uki Spooky. David Sajans. Ashley Sotelo.

And Kyle Arolato. I love you, motherfuckers. As you can tell, we're a little stone to the gills. Uki Spooky's in Austin. She's really cool. We smoked the hash joint. We did some 50 milligram edibles. What were they?

Here are the best stories I have for the year. You, Ali Sadeek, has a really good one. Ms. Pat. Crushes it. Pat crushed it. Kreischer. That was Comedy Central's favorite one. They all love that one the most.

Renazisi did a really good one. Cordry. I did a couple good ones. Cordry looked funny. Yeah, he was. He was handling really well. He really prepared, really hard. He's one of the non-comics we had,

and he really fucking worked hard at it. Now, was that show Children's Hospital his? He's on it. I don't know if it's his completely. I don't know. It might be his completely. I think it's his. because he wrote, he was very, you know,

that's the first time ever somebody sent a note to my agent. Were Children's Hospital? Yeah, he sent the note to my agent. Like, listen, man, Joey came in prepared, blah, blah, blah. It was really impressive. Yeah, it was one of those jobs. I was like, I don't want to do it.

The money blows. But at the end of the week, the money was great because it's all overtime. The initial is the deal they have is a weird deal. They go, it's $2.99 for three days. And you're like, $2.99 for three days. That's not even you. Yeah, but after eight hours, it's all overtime.

So the second and the third day, it's all great. If you shoot three days, you get 20 hours of overtime, which I end up getting like 92 hours of fucking overtime because you're there from six in the morning to 12 at night. Yeah, yeah, that's cool. For a 15-minute show. But that's what we were saying, how, like, you need your agent to believe me for two weeks and it's over.

You get a call from someone saying, hey, this guy's really good. You should fucking, you know. they're more likely to keep helping you. That's really helpful. Listen, the agents that suck are the ones that don't believe in you. Are the ones that don't believe. Look at these, Fred.

Where's the Israeli flag? It better not be on the fucking floor, though. People have died on an Israeli flag, and it can't be on the fucking floor. I'm wearing it. I would never let that happen. I would never let that happen. I forgot how that had it. long though. I like these

last of those podcasts. You know what do you normally do it? At 8 o'clock at night. I'm on an Israeli spy this way and I pull out my Uzi. I like that. It's fucking insane. So what do you got this weekend? You home this weekend again? Home this weekend? Feel good to be in L.A.? Weather Nice. Yeah. So Benji

had this dog. He left me this dog. So it's like, you know what? Do you have to take care of it? Yeah, but it's got, I've always wanted a dog, but I couldn't have it because I won, I don't have a backyard. You almost kind of have to. Sort of. And then two, I go on the road a lot. What are we going to do?

But this is just for three months. So it's like a rental dog. All right. And he's got a little backyard with a doggy door. So you're going to take it on the road? No. I'll just give it to someone else when I'm on the road. Oh, okay.

Do you like him? What's his name? I just call him, like, dude and stuff. Is he cute? Yeah. But you take it for walks? Yeah. It's nice.

A different living. Yeah, he's great. He gets, okay, right. Every time I walk, right, right. They get so excited. When I come back, they're excited to see. I miss having a dog. Doesn't do shit though.

Benji hasn't trained him to do fuck all. I won't fetch. Won't do anything. He barks at other dogs, small dogs. He goes crazy, angry. But it's pretty cool when he's inside. It's on your lap and shit. Girls most like it.

Yeah. I don't know girls've seen it yet. That's nice, man. It's a different taste to you. I mean, I know you like New York, but I got to tell you some New York this time of the year. No, that's what I was going to say. I've been walking the dog with my shirt off in fucking middle of January.

Shorts. I called my buddy on Saturday. I told me it was 82 degrees he didn't believe because I was fully shit. Shorts and no shirt. 82 degrees on Saturday. It was a beautiful California. Were you watching the football games yesterday? Seattle?

Oh yeah. And then New England. Do you want to be there? No. And that was just rain. It wasn't even snow. How cold wasn't in New England? It was 50.

No, it wasn't bad. It got down like 40s late in the game. That's still cold when you're sitting out there for three hours. It doesn't get like that here. Lower Zickets is 50s at night. And that's, oh, I had to turn my heat on. 40, 30 in Burbank two weeks ago. Yeah, we had like two weeks.

And look how it was, and look how it talks about it. Oh, my God. I had to turn my heat on it. Two weeks ago, it froze. I never turned my heat on in Illinois. It was the greatest. I put my heat on the mornings for a couple of days. It was just freezing.

Oh, fucking freezing. But no, it's... Yeah, I'm so glad to be back here now. Fuck yeah. Don't the East Coast, the winter. I can't wait to start seeing the pictures of the blankets of snow and slush and just like... When did you go back? April?

and it'll still be cold It was this year It was still cold They hadn't had cleavish day yet It was still fucking Oh fuck It was like cold coat weather It is kind of like the perfect arrangement

Because I miss the East Coast Great East coast from like End to March Until I want to say maybe early August Because it gets super hot But you could even stay through August

Into October They got this broth place now The Tate told me about It's fucking bone broth Broth they boil it down Where Like 12th and first Okay, New York City.

Yeah, Brodo. He said it's like the healthiest thing. And I fuck it. Oh, they get so much fun shit there. And you can go to so many cities like really close. Like you go from Boston to New York to Philly to Washington, D.C. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. By train and shit.

Two-hour buses that cost like 15 bucks. All right, relax. We're not Mexicans. You don't take buses in New York. In New York, I know. You're right. Yeah, not the city buses, but like Boston to New York buses. I've taken buses here now and it really is a lot of Mexicans.

They were right. First buses they ever told. care. What the fuck are you doing? A little ball itch. I'm trying to show. I got shorts on a little dut-down. Joey did a tour on a bus. The what? You did tours on Greyhounds, you said. I did, yeah.

You just tore around the country. I used to fly to New York, get off. My friends would pick me up. And then I'd go, out of Port Authority in New York City, you can basically go around the fucking world. I'm telling you right there. You go to Port Authority, go up to Greyhound and go, look, I want to go around the world. You give out late 10 minutes, she'll figure it out. She'll figure it out, Doug.

They'll take you, you know, a lot of, when I was a feature act or like headline D rooms or C rooms, you know, I would go to New York and as a comic when you're a feature, you're not looking to pay $60 a night for a hotel. You're looking to crash on somebody's floor or whatever. And most of the times I go back east and my brother's going to answer the phone or I call them, they go, I'm down to shore, I didn't leave a key for you, you know, and I go, fuck it. let's say how to be in Dallas on Wednesday and I was in New York on Monday I called I called Graham and go What's it cost

We have an express for $90 I was gonna fly on there for $400 I got nothing to do but kill time So you just slept on the bus for three days It wasn't a... You could get from Dallas to New York In 24 hours on the ground They have an express

You just sleep on the bus For one day 24 hours here You know they let you off for two hours You stretch You take a shower At one place It's a fucking night

but it's not going to kill you. I've heard of people taking seven days. JF Harris does that now. They have the megabus, if you get one of the first, it's a dollar. If you get one of the first couple things. And so he's on it.

He's on it, waiting for it to go on sale, trying to get that dollar so he can say money on the road. What's the mega bus? I don't know. They have just a bunch of different bus companies now. There's one here that goes from LA to Vegas.

Yeah, it's pretty crazy. Shivers. It's like a party bus. No, no, it's just a cheap. And the fucked up thing is, is a lot of these smaller companies, because there's Greyhound, but then a lot of these smaller companies are owned by Greyhound. Oh, right. They only three or four of them.

All the ticket companies are owned by the same people. Ticketmaster buys them all. So you're like, oh, it's a different company that can be for a little bit, and ticket master grabs it. You're sticking it to the corporation, but not really. But they're cool. I mean, I took them. I couldn't imagine doing what you're doing. I once looked, and it took two days to get from here to Boston, like two and a half days on a Greyhound.

I just looked to see what wrote it would take. How much? Like 170? Not bad. Wow. I think it was a while ago. Could you do two days with no shower on the bus, you ass right? Two days with no shower. But you take the day shower? Dude, Lee, I would never want to sit next to you for two days.

I don't want to sit next to you for two days. Two days. You don't think you'd stay for two days? Oh, I would smell so bad. Yeah. I smell bad now. Can you imagine two days Just sitting Monday morning

To a Wednesday afternoon With no shower your ass sitting Your legs are fucking wriggatello Yeah And then what are you eating You're eating garbage French fries at a truck stop And then move on

Oh my God And I did it That's what I'm you know I don't think I went two days Without a shower You know me I'm anti-fucking dirty asshole Because you could miss a bus and just taking a later bus.

I didn't. Man, it was rough, but I fucking pulled it off. I don't know how. And I would go from Toronto in those days all the way to Atlanta, Georgia. I took an Amtrak one time. Toronto to Georgia. From Miami to Atlanta, George. Fuck.

Amtrak would be fun, though. I like Amtrak. I like trains. I take them in Canada sometimes. It's just really expensive. It's expensive. It's way more expensive than you think it'd be. It's almost comparable with airlines.

Because they fuck you at every level. Okay. See, they don't... Well, how much for the ticket? $159? Oh, my God. American Air is $2.29. They'll save $80.

But then you're going to take the cab to the fucking airport. And they're going to take the cab. Exactly. Then you get on the train and they could upgrade you. The upgrade cost. Oh, you want to sit with six people you don't know? Or you can sit in a chairpoint fucking north looking at a TV. But even that first class is not even good anymore.

What? In the plane? Yeah, when they upgrade you're like, this ain't fucking luxurious. This is what, like, regular flying used to be. United Charges for. TV. Just you know how charged for TV?

Yeah. Jay Blue gives you free but now they're charged for bags. Well, yeah. Well, most places give a tea for free but then United

canceled me out of Vermont and I had to drive, I had to miss my friends wedding and drive to Albany to get back here. They should pay you for that. I have to pay more to my rental company

they should pay for all that shit and pay you for your trouble. The rental company wouldn't like why couldn't you just drop a car off? They charge you with everything if you say, oh I can't make that flat I gotta go later

to go well we'd have a change of change of ticket fee $75. $150. I got that travel insurance once last year. Did it work? No. It was snowing.

That huge storm that hit New York. Joe, remember you were calling me? What your guns? A humongous storm hit New York. So we left an expensive hotel and paid a bunch of money. I bought a bus ticket and a train ticket. And we got on the last train out of New York. And I called the insurance thing.

I'm like, oh, look at it. It's not for weather. It's for some, of course, something that never happens. It's not for what? It's for what? Like, your mom has to get cancer? or something? I don't know.

Something's stupid, but it doesn't cover weather? I don't think so. It should be for anything. I think it was like $25. Yeah, but you're never going to use it. It's like insurance at the blackjack table. It's a shitty bet. Only suckers get that.

Fucking sugars and Asians. I'm telling you, man, that's fucking ridiculous. You can't even use your insurance. You're selling that knowing full well. You're not getting the car companies, too, $25 a day. My car. I wait for the best deal for $19.99. Then you're going to hit me $25 a day for insurance.

My car insurance just went down from $300. $300 a month to $150 because I had my old apartment, three people went into my car. I was paying $300 a month for like three years. $300 a month? You may as well not even have it. I know. You may as well not even have it. I'm paying $300 a month right now for health insurance.

We used to get free insurance Joe Deans. If you made $13,000, we wouldn't have to pay a dime. We wouldn't have to pay a dime when we got there was no copay when we got to a doctor. Everything was free. if we made $13,000. Are you just laughing? Now you have to make $35,000 and you've got to pay

hundreds of dollars a month, and then co-pays, and it's getting more and more expensive. My girlfriend just went to... And they'll say, oh, glad everybody has it now. But they won't change the fuck. How is that legal?

How's that legal? Board your guns. And I need them so soon. I'm telling you. The day will be honest before you know it. I just went with Paula to get a prescription. They wanted to charge her $900 for one prescription. $900?

Does she have insurance? She does. What? It was 900 because it was like, it was like cosmetic. What we're paying for? Why is this more expensive than it was last time? Oh, new rules flipped around. We sent you notice in the mail.

What are you talking about? Pay $3,000. How is this legal? You have insurance and you're still paying? You have insurance. That means you don't pay anything. That's what insurance means. Well, that's stop.

I was kidding. The new insurance is expensive And the fucked up thing is A lot of places don't take it Because apparently all new insurance now All insurance now is under Obamacare And a lot of those people don't want to take it No sorry, we can't give you mental health anymore

No, I know you were suicidally depressed six months ago We can't give you mental health anymore Because the rules change around We have to offer to everybody It's not cost effective so sorry Less insurance What about insurance? People have to deny People getting paid for their cancer treatment

Obama care And then knowing they die Wait for Jared Lothner go into your offices and see what happens what do we go wrong today people this was a nice American show please pay 300 of the money for insurance I believe in America

there's going to be so many angry comments on this video I believe in America we're going to have like a whole bunch of Arabic comments people are in the avatars of the Palestinian flag oh my God

listen to me I am so fucking stone right now America. They keep billing you. They keep billing you. We can step in. These fucking stars ain't bad. You know what I'm saying? Stars are good.

You're right. Yeah. Cool high. Yeah. How are you going to? Lee, what are you thinking about right now? What are you going to go to eat?

Nothing. I ate before this because I know it's going to be really high. And it kind of helped. But you didn't go to the gym today? Not yet. Not yet. I go every day. Do you really?

Yeah, I lost 81 pounds. Let me go with you. Lee? Let me go with you right now. Let me go out of this. I can't go like this. Why not? You can go for hours like that.

Oh, no, no, no. I tried doing it once and I almost fell off. Let's go and let's tape you. Let's tape you. Let's tape you. Be an Ariah tape you. We'll be your guest today. We'll pay the fee. Oh, no, no.

And we'll go over there and tape you and put it on YouTube for the fucking beautiful people at home. That would be terrified. Can I tell you people happy Martin Luther King Day. Happy Martin Luther King Day. What the fuck happened? Nobody even mentioned black people in this conversation. Oh, yeah.

They were like selling it as a special game. What do you mean? A Martin Luther King Day basketball. Like NBA game. What do you want to sell this? Nobody's working. You know, black people aren't working. But why they have to do, think like they're too blackest cities?

So what? Who gives you a fuck? Do you look at it that way? I know. Right? Nobody's working. People have the day off. They want to watch a Martin Luther King basketball game.

They want to watch a Martin Luther King. They have a dream too. They're going to probably do a special thing for Martin Luther King. Martin Luther King. King, everybody. He died for our sins. He walked. That's a bad motherfucker right there. Somebody shot him, God bless us, so. Yeah.

All right, so this week you'll hope. The next week at the Denver County Works. Dempacombe County Works with Mr. Steve Simone. Oh, shit. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's a great show. That's how we do it. Yeah. I'm excited about that.

You're on skiing before? Reck and Ridge. Fucking slope it up. I've been Buffalo, New York, this Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and so cold. Who's better than, me.

Oh, why? That's so cold. I guess Denver will be cold, too. I'm connecting flights, but I don't give a fuck, Jack. I'm going. You don't get nervous? No. Are you back to Seattle, too?

I went Seattle in February. Did you get... What are we... How are we standing on that? I spoke to Ivan's celebrating about two hours ago, and I called them back. Yeah. I got his machines. I got to call them back.

We got to go from square one. The judge wants me to go back in front of them. I'm going to have to go back in front of the judge. Can they lock you up? Can they lock it? Like, can they throw it? You know, throw the gauntlet down, whatever it's called. What they were.

I'm saying, can they write there, like, take you into custody? But wait, Joey, that'd be like the number one podcast. Oh, my God. If you've got a high microphone's all over. If you called into the podcast from prison and Seattle. Face your charges. When you quit running from a law. I don't want a number one podcast to be in jail.

I'm just going to be able to come here two days a week. Do my fucking podcast? Is it worth it? Believe in America. How long ago was it? 20 years? 20-something. What did that? Come on, man.

They don't give a fuck. It's money. That's why it takes months for trials to happen. It's all money. We just want to live our lives. It's all money. We're just trying to live our lives. Then Aaron Hernandez trial is just about to happen.

It happened two years ago. Yeah. And he's just going to trial. Just wasting money. You punch in five days a week. You know what it costs the state to keep. The state gets a certain amount of money for every day that Aaron's in jail. The state gets like $55 a day.

It's amazing. And I know he's a lot of it. And the prisons are private, so they get money, so they want you to stay in jail longer. I know he's guilty, but what about the people who might not be guilty and just don't have bail money and then have spent two years in jail for something they are innocent enough? That's a great point. That's terrible. That's an excellent point.

Well, what are you going to do? Voting doesn't seem to work. It doesn't. People get mad at me when I say don't vote. I mean, it doesn't work. What's the point? You keep playing their sucker game. It's better than doing nothing, but it's like, it's not better.

It's equal to doing nothing. If you want to the Stali? In fact, it's probably worse. I just don't get why it's on a popular vote. That's where it ends for me. Yeah, just everybody, you know, parliament system. What's up, buddy? I'm just checking up by you.

You're still black and beautiful. Always. I got some heavy-duty clothing for Buffalo. I'll be excited. We get some wings with blue cheats. Nice. Excellent. What's a good place?

Like the anchor or something? No, that's the first place. That's just like the tourist place. Oh, okay. I got some places that I got to bang out. People will take me. I think I'm going to roll on Saturday, I think. That's good.

Yeah. Come back Sunday morning. right in Iraq. Are you going to roll right after the wings? No, I'm going to roll before the Wings. I'm probably rolling on Friday and shit like that. You know what I'm saying? What's with the questions? What's with the questions? What is the Ten Commandments? The questions is shit. Cots,

I'm sorry, really. You look good, Lee. Well, I'll see it. You can get my special. If you missed it, you can buy it online. You can still buy it. That's how Lee did it. Yeah, because I cut cable. How is the process? For real. It was two seconds. Great. Yeah, you get bonus features, right? You got two bonus features.

It was a little hard to figure out where I was going to download. from but I found it. Okay. But I was all I was pretty high when I bought it. What was it down? What was the bonus features?

A little tour of the comedy store like me of all the shit I've done around the place. Like this is the phone room. I would sleep here. That's pretty cool. They would show up. Yeah.

And then the Jew and A. We did that Jew and A. It would be embarrassed and all the comics do. Yeah. We did it right after the show. Did your parents see that? As soon as the show ended.

I don't know. I don't know. I would hope not. Yeah. As soon as the last show ended, We were like, I was like, thank you very much. Everybody was clapping. And then Don's just come, you can hear him with the brain.

They go, sit down. Sit down. Did you tell this guy? It was the crowd that you were a Jew. Did they know? And did that happen organically? Like, but not on the special. Yeah, over time, yeah.

And then people just start asking fucking ridiculous questions. It's great. Yeah, I'm happy with it. And 30 more. Yes, go to Ari Shafir, if you want to get it. And it's on demand, too. The broadcast version's on demand. But it's like seven, it's like double the time for $5.

It's like more than double the time. Yeah, because the TV version was how long? Forty-four. 42, and this was like 72, 73. Yeah. And then all that extra shit. What did they take out? A few bits.

Okay. A nice public service announcement. They should watch with your girlfriends and a couple fun bits. That's cool. Yeah, we didn't really chop the bits up much. We just took out entire bits. That is one of the cool things that corporations do, like, how Comedy Central is now selling for $5 because a couple of the comedians made them for $5. Yeah, they learn.

They're like, learn. Sometimes they learn. Yeah, sometimes they learn. You know, you can pay by credit card in a cab now because Uber is like. But they hate it. Yeah, but it's like they fight. I used to have them go. I'll drive it to an ATM.

Cab drive. No, I don't have any cash. I'll drive to ATM. Like, no, dude, I'm already where I'm going. No, no, you can't play. It's like. The machine's broken. What are you doing?

And I swipe it and it works. and they're like, oh, I guess it works now. They're fucking assholes. And then they try to get the law to shut Uber down. But then it's because... They can shit their shitty business and they'll shove it in our faces. I think it's because, like, the taxi companies take money out of their thing for the credit card transaction. So everyone's getting fogged.

Every credit card judge's their actions take it. They charge like 1.7%. The credit cards charge people to use it. They get interest when we don't pay it. And they charge the fucking company to have to use it. And they'll never go to jail for shit. There's always a by the way. All those bankers.

are fine now living in their mansions. What do you think I'm telling us about here? Everything, there was always a fucking by the way, whether it's a goddamn cab. Because the last two times I've gotten into cities, they've asked me, are you paying cash? Oh, yeah. And they ask you up front.

Listen, what would you rather have cash or your card? Absolutely, they lose a 1.5% plus there's a record of the transaction. Yeah, but then I can deduct it. If I can credit, I can deduct it for my taxes. You know, these fucking cab drivers have taken a tremendous hit with Uber. They should.

They were offering a shitty service. Every fucking time you go to an airport now, there's a million cabs. You go to Vegas, remember Vegas you gotta wait a little bit. So many cabs now. Now, you don't wait. That thing is moving. Yeah, no way to take them. By the time you get to that first sidewalk right there where the cabs are, there's a cab

waiting for you. There's no more like holding on five seconds. And Uber just got to Las Vegas. They fought them for a while on it. They fought them. They tried to go through the government. They try to like, we can get to the government. Because that's the best place for it.

Because those stupid cab lines in Vegas. They just pick you right. up. They say, oh, well, no, you can't do it from the airport. Because what? Get out of here, Capcom. We don't want you anymore. You can't call an Uber here at the airport. You can't. No? No, you got to go off right. You can get dropped off. You can get dropped off there, but you can't call it to there. So, yeah, that's a trick. Somebody said that you take a shuttle to one of the...

Yeah, you can do that. But then there's extra time. It's like, why? Why can you get picked up here? You can get picked everyone from your friend. Because the taxi companies paid people. They paid people off. That's no reason to you shouldn't be able to do it. That's called lobbying. This is not usually a political podcast And then you just pay less money for a better Oh, it's clean all the time

Oh, you refuse to make your shit clean And you're charging twice as much What? Tell me why? And they're not using child labor? So why shouldn't we? I don't understand. Why shouldn't we go over there and use their thing?

No, no, no, they're not accredited. Accredited, what? You guys are terrible drivers. Cab drivers are horrible. It's super dangerous every time you get in. It's less expensive. It caused me $12 to get from Laurel Canyon right here down to the Improv

You don't talk to them. Just do your shit. Where's this blitz? Just fucking enter it, man. Are there the tipping Uber? You can. You can extra if you want. Oh, it's already in the tip?

But it's in there. It goes to them. It goes to them. It takes their money. They pay them for their miles and here's their money. People make good money on it, apparently. That's why they do it because they make good money. Tons of people.

It's all these ex cab drivers too. Yeah, fine. Well, it's also limbo drivers that one of double us. But then they get the actual limit. They get the money now. Yeah, they get the money. Yeah, why do you go to your boss now? I can just work for myself.

No one should be unemployed if you have a car. Exactly. Why should you? If you want to use what you have to make money and here's the deal. If you're a bad driver, you get bad reviews. Then they say, we don't watch you anymore. Then they're like, you're no longer an Uber driver. Do you guys review every driver? Uh-huh.

I tried to. I made a mistake. Because before they bring up the next one, when you try to order the next one, they go, what did you think of this guy for the last one? So then you go right there. You're like, oh, oh, that guy was terrible. But they didn't do that. They emailed me and I hit the wrong star.

I thought I was just clicking on something to go to where I would rate them. And I clicked on the fourth star by mistake. and I think I went back and tried to give them a five. Usually it's five. If they have like shitty seats, you're like four. I haven't even told Joey. I'm not sure if I'm going to do it. What?

I have some free time. I thought about, I looked into becoming an Uber driver. No, why not? I went down there today. Comics do it. A lot of comics do it. You have a nice car. There was a line down there today.

A line to get in. To where? To be an Uber driver. I went, I just, I looked online. I was like, I don't know if I'm going to do this or not. But someone told me they made a bunch of money. So I went down. It was a parking lot in West L.A.

and every 30 seconds, three new cars went, and they had five people doing inspections. Really? Making sure you're making sure your blenkers. They should be giving it the keys and shit. No. They want a nice car. You have Ws.

Well, they have that. Yeah. But they were making sure the blinkers and the horn worked and you had seatbelts. Oh, really? You went and then they gave you a, because they give you a background check, but they went and they gave you some Uber stuff. And I don't know.

I might do it if I have some free time. Do it? Why not? Make a couple hundred bucks or a week. People like it's dangerous. you don't know who you're getting your cab with it. And you're like, yes, you do know, because you ordered it through the fucking device. It keeps a record of that.

You don't know with cabs. Yeah, so I don't know. If you lose something, you can tell, I know what it was. You can contact someone. I got a piece so fucking bad. Do you want to go? Yeah, something. Fuck, I'm dancing here.

I thought you were just dancing to be to dance. God, I mean, obviously the rhythm is in my heart and stuff, but, like, it got me, for sure. He was going to get me, and then it got me. It got to the left. I'll be right back. He's fucking nuts. I love it. I didn't know he had to pee.

We're getting fucked to me. Oh, I know. Let's do the sponsors right now, just in case. Let's give a shout out to the main people. I keep this show, motherfucking rocking him. On it! There's not much I can say about these savages. I just went on my alpha brain fucking regiment last week.

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All right? Go to honor.com right now. Start right now. Forget the resolutions. Also, my main man, Dave, Foley over at iron dragon, motherfucking TV. com. The best in classic martial art films 4K TV. It's a Roku channel

and that's what they specialize in. They add new movies every week whether you like the movies that what's his name did over in China. Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan. The Manned series. I mean, I tell you every week, do me a favor. Go there. Stop fucking around. They're free.com. We're going to give you two movies on the arm for fucking free just to go over them.

They got a ton of other stuff. They got Joe Rogan training. They got an bunch of audit videos. Go over there right now. You get two free movies for free. Tell them Uncle Joey sent you. We ain't fucking with you. Go to Iron Dragon TV right now. If you don't like classic martial arts,

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Joey. Get two free fucking movies on the arm. Tell them up with Joey sent you. Also, my main mentor at Hiddyss.com. Throwing Heat with the fucking vapid cigar. Whether you want the cigarettes, whether you're quitting real cigarettes and you want the fucking hitty cigarettes,

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Their specialty vapor pen right now, they're going to give you 20% off. You understand me? Go to the box and press in. Joey Diaz. Oh shit. Who's better than you? You got yourself a vapor pen.

You got yourself a hitty sick. You got two free movies and you got vitamins to keep you out. That's how we roll here at the church of what's happened now, motherfuckers. Get it together. Sleeping while you're creeping. Hey, what do you think of Josie Aldo fighting that kid?

I think Jose Algo's going to fucking take him and break him and fucking half. You don't like Connard McGregor? Listen, it's just a rolled-up. He hasn't beat the top-level guys yet, though. It's just a rolled-up. He's very good at what he does, but he's just a rolled-up channel sonnet. And every time they get in bed with these guys, thank God Dana has a little dignity and is going to have the fight in Las Vegas.

Instead of in Brazil? Instead of in Brazil. Home court? Right. You know, that's not fair either. This is about Jose Algo, too. He's the champion. It's his fucking call.

But they want to put him a good. But you told me months ago that Siever wasn't going to be any sort of opponent. No. Yeah, so then it's like now he suddenly deserves it after fighting a number 10 guy. It's like, come on. He lost his pay for it and a trip from Germany. They love him, though. People love him. Who, does he see? No, that would be Greg. Well,

Conner Greggle of. People love Cosby too. You know? What are you telling me with that? He just keeps roundhouse kicking over and over again. He's very good. He's very good. What's he like in the ground? He's 26. That's what we'll see. We don't really know, huh? Nobody knows. If you watch any of the U.S.C. nine TKOs.

I mean, I guess some of them from getting on top and stuff working position. Here's fucking light kicks. Jose Alton. Come at you. This is... Listen, if Connam and Greg

is not in the gym today, starting to training for what the wrath he's going to go into, and he's also pulling that channel center where he's picking at the beat. That was WWE. He knew he was going to do that.

You know why he knew he was going to do that? Because Dana's bodyguard was there waiting for him. They knew that was WWE shit. If you're at home going, Conner's so cool. that was all planned. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You think it was planned? You think it was? Yeah, it wasn't planned in Jose Aldo's world. I don't think Jose would look surprised. Yeah, Jose was up right there. Like he stood up? He went there, but he didn't really want to go there.

Oh, half at all. Aldo went, the other guy went there, but he didn't really want to go there. So for you fucking Gentiles. He was just loud, but he wasn't going to get it. Yeah, for you gentiles and got impressed. He went for him, but he made sure there was 10 people there before he got there. Yeah, like he stopped. He jumped over.

He stopped on the table. He stopped on the table and then waited for people go. And then he stepped down. Then he stepped in. So for you people who were impressed and jumping up and down, you get you people who are fucking overtaken too quickly. I could say you're a fucking bridge. You fucking idiots.

And here's why else who was playing. Why was Jose Elder there? They don't come to all the ones. All the way from Brazil, from Rio de Janeiro. He's drinking coconut juice and getting this dips up. And they haven't come to certain ones, especially if it's like the same weight class. Well, yeah, they always do that.

That's the next fight. Yeah. Oh, leave Jose Algo. He didn't even give a fuck. You know, now, the most interesting thing I like that leave in the middle. That Joe Rogan kept saying to him, Jose Addo, you're ready to make more money now that you're going to fight in an arena? And Dana was like, why is he saying that shit?

Just because we're fighting the arena, don't get me and he's getting more money. That means we're getting more fucking paper, you know what I'm saying? Well, he fought an arena in Brazil, didn't he? Was it tickets cheap or something? I don't know. That place went crazy. Did you go to that one? The one, when he jumped into the stands?

Yeah, that was. He jumped right by me. Oh, my. God, dude. He jumped off. He wins. They didn't even wait until I fucking interview him or anything. He fucking jumps out, runs and hugs the fucking broadcasters that he knows,

the Brazilian, and then runs into the stands. Starts hugging all his friends and family and shit. His yardies. That was so, I was fucking crying. Wasn't even high. We didn't even get weed till later. I was crying. It was such a magical moment.

That place was going crazy. I don't know. The only other time it was going that crazy was, were you in Columbus when Randy beat Tim Sylvia? No. Oh, that was like a, from the first fight of the very first night, the place was packed. Columbus was always a good fight place. I don't know what happened. I was there when Anderson fought Rich Franklin.

Oh, yeah. That's the one we went to that. For the bodybuilding thing, it's the Arnold Classic. So while the UFC is in town, all these big bodybuilders are walking around because it's Arnold Classic. I'll be there this week. That's right. I'll be there this next week. You're going?

I'm really fucking excited. I've been there in two years. You know the first time I went there? What, to the Funnybone? To the Funnybone in Columbus. The first time I went there was with Justin. It was, so last year was 2014. So this was 2013.

I think Mercy was just born. It was the first week of the road after being home for eight weeks or nine weeks without the comedy store I had like the ha-ha and I had like flappers you know like shit like that

I went to Columbus guys I gotta tell you something I hate it five fucking shows just bomb really oh I got labs but you know those labs

you can get anywhere it was those labs where it wasn't nothing put together like I got shots from doing 15 minutes at flappers to 47 and 48 minutes at Columbus Thursday

I remember doing okay. But Friday and Saturday, I just died of slow death. They didn't bring me back last year. Oh, really? But they renovated the place, but I didn't do that well. In Columbus? So I called them back and told them the truth, and he fucking brought me back. He goes, no, I thought that, you know, you set were a little rusty, you can tell.

And that's why, Lee, we worked hard this fucking off season. Because you got to, I was home for a few weeks. You know, I did that show in Vegas. But 45, you got to get warmed up. Yeah, you've got to get warmed up. I've been warming up the last couple weeks. It's been fun at the comedy store lately. It's been great.

It's bringing me back, you know? It's great to be up there. There's a certain freedom at the comedy store. You can go off. You can do whatever the fuck you want. And here's how it is. Let's say you go to the YMCA every day. Yeah.

And you go to Ari's house and you lift weights. And every day you lift weights with Ari at the YMCA. You push about two and a quarter, four cents a time. four sets of 10. For some reason, when you go to the comedy store, you can push 265. Yeah, it's one of those kind of gyms. It's one of those type of places.

I used to not like 15-minute sets as a viewer. Too short? Yeah, because I used to like longer. I used to only prefer like the hour-long sets. Yeah, and the old ones are just sevens and eights. But then going with Joey to the comics for the last few months,

it's crazy to see how good he's gotten, but then when you're really good, and anybody who's really good, it's crazy to, like, be a part. Like, I don't think you could hold that for 15, for like 60 minutes, but for 15 minutes you could, like, handle it. Well, it's a different. Yeah. You don't have to stop.

I know, I got 18 minutes. I know I can condense 32 minutes into 18 minutes, which means danger. And just killing none stop. Yeah, you're just going to have little sentences out at them, and they're going to suck each one up, but there's no setup, there's no punt. You know, I can eliminate everything. I'll eliminate the segue if you left. I just say punchlines like a motherfucker and say it my way, you know.

Because as a consumer... Sh! Maya! Asuka! This was a special podcast. You got a furt, a fart, and a burp. A furt. You got a fart and a burp in this one.

We got to get the fuck out of here, guys. Ari Shafia, so you're at the Denver Comedy Works next week. And then where else in February? The parlor, the new downtown parlor? In Seattle, where else? Braya, Portland. See, in Portland in February. I think or March.

Where are you in February, Cocksucker? Parlor. And Brea. Two weeks. Two weeks? Yeah. Where are you in the next two weeks? Oh, Denver?

All right, this weekend. Super Bowl weekend? Super Bowl weekend. Then two weeks after that, Seattle. Okay. That might be until the very end of February. Yeah, you're like me. You're just going out very limited.

Yeah. At the time, you're here. Yeah. We're trying to put it together right here during pilot season. Yeah, Portland. Bray is like in townish, you know. Bray is good. I might go to San Diego maybe.

I don't know. Go to a little store. We'll figure it out and get back to us. All right. Succa. Hsuca. I love you, cock suckers. I'm going to be in Buffalo this weekend.

And next week I'll be at the Columbus, motherfucking funny bone. And that's it, guys. Thank you very much. Happy Mon Luther King Day to all the black people out there. We got to end this with some fucking black music. Yeah. What do you think, guys?

Sam Cook. No, no, no, no, no. Let's do a little Michael Jackson. Oh, yeah. Remember the time, Michael Jackson. In honor of being overcome by Bill Cosby on the... We don't want to believe it, Thor. Thank you, Ryan, for coming on today.

Yeah, man, this is a lot of fun. Congratulations to all your success. I'm telling you. Thanks. We watched it at the Commerce Store. Everybody's in the Patty of the Commerce Store. Yeah, I want to do it. I just couldn't get in there.

I just... And I got it at the house. Me and the wife watched it last night for a little while. I loved the piano thing. I really... Fucking around with Jeff. That's what I want to show. Just like a regular set at the award.

I fucked around the crowd of little. You know... Yeah, the stuff with Jeff. Was it cool seeing it on the TV, on TV? Like, sing your name on TV guy? That has to be kind of cool. That was all right. That was okay.

I liked seeing at the store watching, like, on the fucking, you know... Like, you don't have a DVR. You don't have a DVR. If I went to my DVR... If I went to my DVD. I got it out of my DVR. It looks very nice. Yeah, but if you had like the Joey Diaz special

and you're just scrolling to it and it's next, that'd be kind of cool. Very nice. Right, right, right. Your own thing. All right, close the show, Cox. What are we closing? Oh, yeah.

Okay. Remember the time? That was a catch. Des Bryant. That was a catch. I think so, too. Everybody knows that was a catch. Great Seattle game, though.

Let's be honest. That was classic. Okay. End your show. I'm sorry. Go to onnet.com, and he's co-wirt church to get 10% off of your order? Go to hit E6.com.

Better tasting, longer lasting. The proof is in the vape. Use Cobbord Joey's shirt to get 20% off. Go to Iron Dragon TV and use Kobe Joey to get two or three rentals. I have fucked up. And go to nymph. com. Use cobert Joey to get 20% off the premiere rate for rent on the market.

You guys are crazy. You can't remember how it all began. It just seems like giving. So I deep back in the form