The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #250 - Mick Betancourt, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: January 21, 2015

Mick Betancourt, Comedian, TV Producer and Writer, joins  Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. Recorded live on 01/20/2015.Music:Starin' Through My Rearview - Tupac Ft. Phil CollinsThe Immigrant Song - Led Zeppelin

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It's a brand new Roku channel. What? I'm not even high yet. What? How the fuck can you not be high? Well, usually the ending ads are really bad because it's like two hours. Pretty much. It's two hours into a crazy animal. Nandi,

it's all of Iron Dragon TV. It's all of Iron Dragon TV. Co-word Joey. This is my grandmother's favorite song. Oh shit. The Phil Collins or the... No, the two-pox. She used to breastfeed me to this. Every night and I was 13. Oh shit.

It's the church, bitches. January 20th. Nine more days will be my 35th anniversary. I get my first felony. Hit it. See when I see me. You were 17? I don't know. What?

Let me spark it for you. Oh shit. The church, bitches. January 20th, the day the devil was buried at sea. They burned his nutsack. And they made them fucking drink cum-com juice. That's the come after the cum. You fucking put it in the freezing.

You're saving. You ice cube it. You make the bitch eat it in the corner with handcuffed. You ever make those. You put a bitch in the corner with handcuffs. You wipe off in the ice tray, and you put in the fucking freezer for a couple hours. And it gets all fucked up. And then you...

He never did that. What did you? What did you people grow up? What's happening, you beautiful motherfuckers? The church of what's happening now? Mick Bencourt, guest of the fucking evening this evening. Lee Syatt, the flying Jew. What of you bad motherfucker in the red shirt? Was that?

Oh, my God. I couldn't sleep last night. I got fucked up. That star of debt was on fire last night, though. Yeah, it was. I ate three of those motherfuckers. I have no idea how you did that. I had a candy, and then I went home and started smoking hash out of a fucking pipe.

By 8 o'clock, I think by 7.30, my head was fucking spinning, right? I was falling asleep on a chair. So my wife put a pillow and a blanket on top. I mean, the baby came over and ripped the blanket off and ripped the pillow off. Like, wake up, you fucked. No sleep in the living room. Seriously. Today she hit my keys.

I couldn't go to Jiu-Too today. My car keys were missing. I couldn't fucking find them. My wife. You're figuring out that your keys are like, he always leaves with these. My wife found them in the fucking grill under the oven. No. God.

I had no car to a fucking 3 o'clock. I walked to the park, and I walked with 2.35-pound kettlebells like a jerkball to the park. I'm going to be sore as fuck them off. Hamys, on fire. She hid the fucking keys on me today. So, yeah, you know, it was one of those days. What's up with you, baby? Well, you got, I was up at 6 a.m.

Oh, I was fucked up. And you called me, and you tried to convince me to go to Denny's to get milk shings at 6 a.m. Fuck yeah, it's five-thirty. Did you been to bed yet or no? Yeah, I slept like a sad. That's the least of your palms on these edibles. You sleep like a motherfucker. Something about them yesterday that woke me up, though, at 3 a.m.

I was still high as fuck. You know, it's called hunger. That's what woke. You haven't even told me yourself. You woke up in late 19 fucking wheat waffles. Four waffles, yeah. Four waffles. Four, full-sized waffles?

No, the eggos. Wow. And with sugarless fucking maple syrup. I told him to cut my eyeballs out. At three in the morning? At three in the morning. He was drinking it's like a fucking thing of water. It was spring water.

He was drinking that maple syrup. Look at you. I called him up. I'm like, come on. I take it to Denny's. Pick me up. Let's go get a milkshake and a grand slam. You didn't open with that.

What were we going to do first? We're going to smoke a fucking hash joint. I'll smoke some refits. When it was still high for him. You're going to go to Denny's fucking sober. The only way to go to Denny's sober. Yeah. You don't go to Denny's sober.

That's the fucking Gentiles. You go to Denny's you go fucked up. You don't remember. But the other fucked up the thing about you, Joe, is I would have gotten ready a year or two ago. and, like, been in my car, and he would have called me and be like, don't worry about it, dog. We're going to Denny's. You don't want to go to Denny's.

I ended up eating Cheerios with skim-knock like a fucking half a fag. I'm a baby. You put anything on the Cheerios or no? No. Just dry? Not even a little sprinkle of sugar? No, whatever that shit is. Nah, no, you can't put the...

I eat sugar in the morning. The rest of the day, I want fucking popcorn and lollipops and shit. Yeah, I got to watch. That's the first thing you go. If you fuck around with breakfast, your day's ruined. Sugar in the morning, you fuck. So you can eat sugar like a two or something Just to give you a little boost in a protein shake

I put a little sugar on a protein shake Really? Why not? You're supposed to, a little salt, a little fucking Wow You season your protein shakes? You got to dope them up sometimes You know what I'm saying?

You got dope everything up You can't eat like that out of a can You know, Progresso is not a bad clam chad You got dope it up Campbell, not a bad clam chum You gotta dope it up I think that's your favorite thing Even back to Mad Flavors world

You were doping up steaks He took me to 7-11 and tell me how to dope up their Italian sub. Sure. What you put on that? Listen, you take that Italian sub that looks fucking... One thing about Subway that this fucking guy, and nobody believes me,

is that all their co-cuts, all their co-cuts are made from turkey products. So when you get the pastrami, you're really eating the fucking turkey's liver. It's like, gel. It's gel, and it looks like pastrami. But 7-Eleven, go in there and get the Italian. Early in the morning.

You take that Italian. You take it home, you take that fucking terrorist lettuce. they put on it and that tomato you take it off and you put the oven on bra and you put that oven on you put that sandwich in the top you take it out you put fresh lettuce vinegar and oil salt and pepper

little oregano and a motherfucking crushed red pepper and you got yourself a tremendous Italian sandwich and it's not bad I did it one time about a year and a half ago because somebody told me on the East Coast they go bro you go to sell lemonade I'm like come on they go not the hot dogs and shit but if you're in a bind I was doing a

play and I was in a bind one then I said, let's see if it's true. I got the chicken salad on wheat bread. I didn't shit blood. You know, I didn't get purport. Didn't die. I mean, if you get egg salad, you deserve to be shot on. Forget it, yeah.

You know, if you get egg salad. Sushi. Yeah, sushi at 7-11. You got to be fucking, you're going to end up in a hot. I know this fucking guy got sushi from Seattle. No, I did. Not from, there's a sushi place where I live on Laurel Canyon. I went there.

Called 712. Yeah, and he was sick at his house. He wants to blame on the edibles. You know the brownies you gave your. Yeah. Your family member? No, no, no, I gave him a different one. No.

He gave, he took home a re-eat. He took home anti-dlorist stuff. Okay. It's same strength. No, I gave you. Cryptonite? That was wrath. Yeah, I gave it.

He gave me a full one, and I had never had him before. I went home and had sushi, and I was on the couch for like three hours, and I finally made it to the bedroom, but I flipped over, and I felt nauseous. I puked on my bed. No. Right next to it. I took all my concentration not to puke on the bed. I picked right next to it. I couldn't even make it to the bathroom.

He's made me puke. He's made me puke three times. You ate 7-Eleven sushi. No, it wasn't 7-Eleven. Listen, I smoked a joint. Then I drank a gallon of gasoline. And that fucking joint made me sick. This guy will go into those McNation joints where they're Korean, but they're really making sushi?

No. I don't know about it. I won't get sushi at Korean places. Yes, you do. I know you do. I want to. a Korean place to get dumplings and you got mad. No, I'm doing it.

What's the problem with dumplings? Everyone makes dumplings. We just want to go to war against him with the fucking movie and you're going to a Korean place. This is what I'm talking about. He don't think with his fucking head. He'll go to like a Japanese place and get like Korean food.

He does everything backwards. He's going to get sick on these days. And he eats hummus and his shit out. He's terrorist places. Babacanaoosh and all that shit. Wait till he's shit and blood. I can't wait until he calls me up from the hospital one day. My liver blew up for me.

The seafood's the shit you've got to work. worry about it really man especially from 7 when I was driving trucks back in Chicago my breakfast in the morning was two chili cheese dogs a large bag of Doritos and one of those triple gulps whatever the biggest gulp was full of

mountain dew with two packs of Marlborough Reds like just a fucking caveman just like you smoke a Marlboro Red is 7 in the morning yeah in between chili dogs Doritos and Mountain Dew and I'm coming in at a sweet sexy

2.42, I'm in a box truck, so all the smoke just, there's no filtration of the smoke, just wreak. Tremendous. Everything smells. Even your nuts sack. It goes right through the fucking jeans. Showing up to someone's house. Hey, I got to bring this inside. When I used to work, what's that club on the south side?

The one that I used to do with Riddles. When I used to work Riddles, they used to put me at a hotel that there was one of those Japanvills next to it, like sushi, like a Bani Hanna? Like a Benihana. Like a Benihana, and they had sushi. And I would go over there. Why is it called Japan?

Because there's one Asian restaurant? Yeah, it was like Japanville. It was just a little thing. And it wasn't bad, but I'd always get the white tuna, and I get sick on the dog. Really? And the guy would say to me, I don't feel good. And he goes, what did you eat? I went to that sushi place.

I had the chicken terriaki, but I had a couple rows of sushi. He was like, let me answer something. Show me the ocean. Why are you eating that shit? I thought about him. Well, he's right. It's all white fish out of the lake. The fucking, yeah, it's right fish out of the lake.

That shit in Arizona and Tempe at the improv. Everybody, we used to get sick upstairs. Yeah. You could eat sushi. Everybody got sick. Oh, yeah, I never get sushi. Everybody got fucking sick eating that shit. You get sick on sushi.

It's one of the worst six you will ever be. And you were lucky. You just ate that bad shit like a day old. It wasn't. After a while, like, they had it in the back next to the dogs and shit. You know what I'm saying? They got confused. Remember they gave a piece of dog and told you it was eel.

I don't get eel. I got tuna. Same difference. I mean, you don't know. You don't know what? the fuck you're eating when you go to a sushi place. Unless you're a fisherman, you don't fucking know what you're eating at a sushi

place. You order and they tell you whatever. They can tell you whatever. You know it's that imitation crab meat rolled up in a California roll. They cut it. And they put mayo in them out here. It's gross. He's close. It's just crab. They put mayo in it. They make their crab salad. It's disgusting. I think it's the same thing with wine, too,

when people are like, oh, you can taste the tannins and the hint of oak. It's fucking wine. I hear the best wine is Trader Joe's $2.00 wine. Yeah, two buck chuck, man. Get down on it. That whole wine thing. It's bullshit. Dries me.

Crazy. I was a kid. You mean you don't have a favorite selection? Bordeaux. No. I hate people who get the glasses. I think I got the glasses for everything. Yeah.

When I was a kid, I used to go to his guys now. He was a great kid. I loved them with all my head. I still talked to him. But whenever girls came over, he'd always ask him, do you want wine? And I would sit there and I would be seething. I just give them the fucking Budweiser.

Let's go. What the fuck? We're all going for the same result here. 4 a.m. You rip the box of Franzy open. You get the silver aluminum foil and you squeeze the wine out. You used to get come down with the wine glasses. I wanted to break them over his fucking head.

Like when I see somebody drinking wine out of a wine glass, I really want to break it over their head. Not in the restaurant. Do you do the pinky up? That whole thing drives me. You don't have like a whiskey glass at home? No. You do the thing.

You got to look at the waiter. or not to him like this is okay. It's all such a shitty dog and pony show. When I was a waiter, they would have people come in and teach classes, so we would sound like we knew what we were talking about. But we'd always just pick like a medium-priced one, not to pick the most expensive one and not the cheapest one, and just say that was the best.

And tag an extra fin on it. Put market price next to it, white it out. These motherfuckers don't know nothing today. You know, your menu spec. You just tell the guy, I want them to use his menu. You just keep fucking working. You put like a market on, like a deck of cards. And then there you put market price on the wine.

You just go to like a 4.45 while you're eating. And that's your menu. You make four of them ready just in case you get a table of four. Little MP. I miss being a server sometimes. Sure you do. What do you miss about? It was great money.

I mean, I went home one Christmas break and I worked. I made two grand in like a week and a half and I was like 20, 21. I worked at Legal Seafoods. I don't know if you've been back to Boston. It's like a not a cheap seafood place, but not like $200 a plate either. So like a kickup from Red Lobster? A couple kicks up. It was pretty good.

It's pretty good. It's an East Coast chain. I wasn't there, no, but it was my favorite. Claims on a half shell, muscles. But I hate lobster, and I would always say whenever anyone would come in, what should I get? Lobster, because it's fucking expensive. You hate lobster? I haven't tried it in years.

Maybe if I tried it again, I'd like it. How did you eat it? They always just steam it with butter. You like fucking butter. Who doesn't like butter? Dip it and drawn butter. No, I've done it. What about lobster?

Those new things they got in those trucks, the lobster sandwiches. Oh, delicious. Toasted bread, a nice roll. They're like $13 for like fucking two ounces. You get it cold or hot? Because they can get hot lobster? I like them both. Mayanays.

I like them. Nice little fucking celery in it. Nice. A little lobster roll. Yeah. Fucking tremendous on that little rope. There's one guy. The lobster truck, I think it's called.

There's a lobster truck. Right. And they're from Boston. Then there's another one that I had, the Cajian food. Oh, that guy. And he stands out, take a sample. Make a sample. That guy's a fucking...

I just got the black beans and rice. The red beans on rice. There's one that you'd hate. And it's disgusting. Which one? Sushi burritos. They make a burrito-sized sushi sushi roll. It's disgusting.

What? It's called like Jogasashi or something, Jogasaki. Some of this shit is not necessary. Why would you do that? It's gross. It's like a tritonkin. I got to put a turkey or Dunkin and a fucking. I can never figure that out.

That's like my Rubis cube. Chicken duck turkey. I sit there at two in the morning and go, who the fuck would shove a dunk up a fucking turkey's ass. And now they're really going crazy. They're shoving snakes inside a duck, inside a dog, inside a turkey, inside a fucking hippopotamus.

When I told you that my girlfriend got a dog, you said I should have her just take the dog to, like, Pando Express for 10 bucks. Every time I would bring it up, like, when is she going to take that dog to Pandexpress? Trade it in for number four. On the Thursday, they'll give you fucking $8, 9 bucks for a fucking dog.

Right there, always be. walk. You can bring them to the back, just bang on the door and tie him around the thing. You got to pop the tires of the delivery truck. Truck didn't make it this week? I robbed the Chinese delivery guy once. Like in 1985, we were hanging out at 88

Street Park and some guy pulls him. Excuse me? Oh, no. Why would he do that? Mistake number one. Why? Do you know where whatever is? And you're like, what? Yeah, down the corner. And we made him stop. And when he was looking,

it was one of those places where he had to walk in and look deep. Yeah, yeah. And like 13 were really 18. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we got in this car and we started fucking delivering some of the Chinese food. That's where it got fucking crazy. Wait, you made his runs? We delivered like three stops. We took

the rest of the Chinese food and ate it and just left the car parked on like 64th Street field. Why did he deliver the food? $150. You're fucking $18, you know. $150, $150. It's like $10.

No, they didn't pay cash. We told them to pay cash. And what did you do with the car? We dropped it on. We knew everybody in North Bergen. A horrible mistake. It's like walking up into a dark park, like four guys on a bench going, hey, guys, anybody got changed for 100?

Yeah, yeah, come on. What are you doing? Like, there's a register in the park. In the middle, there's a guy who changed. What are you doing? He's in the alley. He's going to follow that guy. You're a Chinese delivery guy for a while?

I was a Chinese delivery guy in Boulder, I worked at that restaurant in Boulder. There's a Chinese place. They were Vietnamese They were Vietnamese They pissed me off when I found out They lied to me the whole time I was accustomed for three years

And at that time I was already in But it was when I was really fucking like in bad shape I had the apartment I was divorced And they would deliver Wednesday I would get the kid I would get my daughter And they delivered the Chinese food

And one day they showed up I looked at the guy and I go hey man He goes just come by later Talk to us That's how cool he was Wow that's a square move man embarrassed I was. And he goes,

listen, man, you've been eating with us for years. Anytime you want to order, put it on the tab. Wow. And then I fucking, it was 95, to be exact,

the year that the Houston Rockets won the series. They were gambling motherfuckers, these Chinamen. These Vietnamese were gambling. Are you taking the reaction? No, I went in there one day,

and they're like, hey, we're part of the pool. You win the pool. You got here. You hit the number? I won, and they were like laughing at me. We got this guy.

You got Houston Rocket. You got Houston Rocket. I came to the team. And I kept going in and they kept winning and winning. No shit. And finally they won. I think I won 500 bucks. But I used to deliver Chinese food and sell Coke.

So that was my cover. I used to work for a sports betting service from August to February 1st. Once February 1st came, you unemployed. It was fucking pulling teeth. Yeah, no one's betting baseball. He would pay you $6,700. But you just made calls for $8. the day.

The people... Oh, you had to hustle the phones? Is it just basketball and hockey and telling you? After football, it's pro basketball and baseball hasn't started. March is good because of March madness. March, you still have a little bit of life. But once, I mean, once football tapers off, it's 50% of your business. Yeah.

So if you were making $10,000 a week, you're going to make five now. And it's basketball. So you have a good march. Once college basketball is over, you got baseball and pro basketball. That takes you until June. but those summer months he would pay 300 a week. He'd say, come in. It's one to three in the summer,

like one to four, one to five, Wednesdays and Thursdays off or summer, Tuesdays and Wednesdays off. But in the winter, you work six days a week, and you had Wednesdays off. I had to do everything on Wednesday. You have no idea what life. You know how it is when you're out of you.

But, dog, in the all season, you were supposed to put money away, and then they would send you checks. Like, the guy had it down. He had the business down. He didn't want none of his people out there, starving. So he go, look, and during the year, you're making 10 grand a week. Put two

away. So in June, you got money. You put it in a trust account that he'd get for you the shit and they mail you the money every week. I didn't do that. I'll take it now? I took it now. I took the big lump sum. I snorted it. I had this dealer. His name was Vince Wilson. I loved him with all

my heart. He would deliver to me. You know those guys that you owe them? I would call him, and you go, you got my money? Yeah, come on. And he'd get there. He goes, let me see how much you got, Vince. No, no, no. You told me, you told me, Doug. What do I owe you?

$1,400. I had him up to like $2,200 at one time. And he would still give it to me on a Friday night. If I gave him like $100,000, were you getting a ball? I was getting a ball every time I seen him. Every time. Wow. And what was you saying? It's 95, so what was that about?

$200? $275. I saw my L.A. Drug dealer Friday night. at the comedy store. No shit. Well, there's a manager at the comedy store as a Coke fan. And I introduced them to him.

And I go into the end and I give the manager, he goes, your buddy's on his way here. I go, who? He goes, your buddy, D-Man. I go, come on. He's still in the game, huh? Still in the fucking game seven years later. Wow.

That's a long run, man. If you're selling. He's a professional. He's a professional. I know somebody who lives on his block. Okay. I know somebody who's lived on his block. Einstein.

Oh, wow. He's still in the same spot? Still in the same spot? How many people you think? Think about it. He's been at that place for 10 years. No shit. It's a bad mistake if you try to check that.

That's what I'm saying. That boy, if you go to that boy's house, you're going to get a cold away. What does he have? Just a ton of guns? He's black. Bad to the bone and bigger than he's ever been. He would have been playing pro football now. He shot him in the legs twice.

Yeah, you're wrestling with the wrong guy. How I became friends with that whole group of the, them was I used to deal with this dude white lightning he was Jewish because he was a gangster he ran reggae night at one of those clubs on Merros and he thought he was like a Jewish gangster like a Jew star with diamonds and he had a black girlfriend but she was suck on everybody's dick he was just a rich white guy he didn't fucking know he used to have weed in the building asked Josh Wolfe about this he used to live in the building but he was he sold big amounts of weed but he was too scared to sell it like he always got robbed

and he would hide it in the garage. I wonder who did that. He would hide it in the garage and he would hide it at this chick's apartment. But I always robbed him. Yeah. Oh, I always got this fucking guy. And he used to hide it

in this chick's apartment that had no ching. You ever see those women? And it's not like she got an operation. She just had no chin, but she had the biggest tits. And she sucked the best dick in North America when you gave her three lines of blow. So you go over there, let her suck your dick. And she was lonely.

She said, you want to smoke weed? And then after she smoked weed, you'd say this weed is great she'd go don't say nothing but this is blah blah blah's weed and you go he should go I got three pounds in the back no really can you wait here I'm gonna go take a shower okay I'd rob that bitch

blonde while she was taking a shower get the fuck out of here what would happen like when your eyes like when someone when you saw someone you could take with like your eyes oh my god this is like 97-98 and we kept robbing that fuck L.A when I moved here and you hear the game

out here you're like what you can't your head can't get around when someone's like I'm I'm a drug dealer and they'd say it out loud to you and you know him for five minutes you're like you're not a fucking drug dealer there's not a drug dealer on the planet that I know that would tell someone in the first five minutes of meeting them that they're a fucking dealer it's just you're just begging to get arrested or crewed up on it's crazy you know I used to my prey was drug dealers from 81 to like 85 I mean, I went to prison for kidnapping. In New York, right?

I went to prison in Boulder. But my main parade was drug dealers. And we'd be cool. And then once they tell me, I can't front you. If they did anything I didn't like, that was it. If Lee came to me and said, I went to Mick Thee and I, he wouldn't front me a fucking ounce of coke at two in the morning. That's it.

We're going to rob him. And I would just work you. I would just work you, work you, work you, work you. What are you doing? I'm going to the city. boom, that means I got two hours in your apartment. Yeah. You're gone.

The old little B&E to the thing. Unless you're taking the fucking, that was my prey for years. And I got to tell you some, today, I still don't feel guilty about it. Like, I feel guilty about the people I robbed, the drug dealers. You know, I met people. Let me tell you what the best thing that happened to L.A. was. That by the time I got to L.A., I didn't want to do nothing else. Like, I was already a comedian.

Like, the comedy had won. The comedy had won. But there was a time in my life where I'd be broken. at 9 in the morning. And by 11, God would put somebody in my life to rub. And the guy would walk up to me. Like, I had people come. You know, these are guys that came up to me and go, man, I got $3,000.

I'm looking to buy an ounce and a half a Coke. What? Where's the money? At my house? Okay, I got a guy. I would fucking work it. And if you push a little bit, you know what the guy's going to be cautious. Like, I would push.

Give me the money. I'll go get it. Oh, no, I got to go with you. Now you fuck late. But there were guys that would say, I'll give you the money. Oh, really? Oh, I'll come back on an hour. Peele.

And what if you ever saw them again? You wouldn't see them. You wouldn't see them. Because right when the time I took Mixed 5,000, let's say the flight to fucking Albuquerque was at 455. I'd meet, make it three. So I went right from Mix House to the airport with mixed money. And I'd fly to like a small destination. And I'd chill for three weeks and live like a doctor again.

My dick sucks, more weeds, smoke. Really? Did you have a connect in the spot you were flying to? Yeah, and by the time I got back, my friends would cool it. And then he would show up the guy, and I go, you're not going to believe what happened. We got fucking robbed. The cops were there. The Fed showed up.

They wanted your name. I wanted your name. I didn't say anything. Fuck you. You're going to ask me for fucking money. You motherfucker. I hit you with this fucking. No, no.

We were just kidding. All right. We lost the $5,000. It was fucking amazingly. Would you have the plane ticket already? Or do you just go to the airport? I had another dime in my pocket and so I got his five grand.

So you just go to the airport and be like, when's the soonest flight to a small flight? No, did you not know I already had it planned out? If the flight was at 455, what time I got to be there? 355. I would meet him in Hollywood at fucking three, and you would be driving. I'd be packed, the luggage of being your car.

When he gave me money, I was going straight to the fucking airport league. There was no stop. There was no... I gotta get flout. Nothing. The airport. It was in work. I give a guy like you 400.

You say something, I'll kill you. Okay? I'll break your fucking head. You don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. I'm gonna give you 400, and I'm gonna keep in touch of you. I'm gonna call you every fucking day.

I want you at that bar, and every time he comes in, I want you to fucking tell me what he says. And that's it. And this guy would be at the bar and what happened? They fucking arrested me. They took me to some jail.

I couldn't even tell me. Show me the paperwork. What fucking paper? show you shit motherfucker or you greased the guy that you know he's going to talk to and say I don't know the cops came in yeah like I'd have you saying they looked for him I'd have you saying Joey got

busted yeah you tell him he called my mother's house I didn't even talk to him he called my mother's house you know I had we had it down pat you were gone it was gone how often when you do this every two weeks every 10 days every time a pigeon

came along I took a guy in Boulder that wanted to join the I got him for like $3,000. He came to me one day. Mick, who comes to you? You're sitting there scratching your head going, man, I could use a thousand bucks. And all of a sudden this kid come up to him when he goes, I got to tell you.

I know a couple people. I know anybody in Brooklyn. I don't know anybody. This was 1991. Last time I took somebody in Brooklyn was 83. You know anybody in Brooklyn? I don't want to be. What do you want to join them on? And I would work him. I wouldn't go right for the money. I'd say, let me call the guy.

No. You got money. It's going to cost you. Like, there's a membership fee. Yeah, there's a membership fee. I'm going to cost you. And the guy would look at me and go, are you serious? Put your money away. I'm not going to ask you what you got. I'd work the guy. That was the other thing. It's like a long con. Yeah, you have to do long cons.

You're not going to meet a drug deal. He's going to let you in. You're going to introduce me. You're going to. Yeah, a real guy is not going to say, I'm going to fucking. It's a square for sure. This is a month. So I'm working people, month. I got three guys working at once. How do you keep all the stories straight?

I'm just waiting for the opening. You tell all three of them the same story. So I got you. You keep coming and get me some good Coke. We're at a bar one and nine. You go, Coco, here. I'm like, oh, fuck, that shit's good. Where'd you get that?

Some white guy ain't know up in Studio City. Okay. The next night you come back, look what he got. He's got rocks. He's got powder. Now I start working here. I buy a gram, two grams, an A ball, an ounce. I take you out of your comfort zone.

You've been buying grams. Even he's going to go, Where you got this money? My friend Coco, bro, he loves this shit. In fact, he wants to buy four ounces. That's how I get him. You be the middleman. Go to him and get the four ounces, but I want to meet him.

Four ounce deal would go as planned. Sweden and shit. Mick loves Coco. Mick loves Coco. You're out of the picture. You're gone. I'll give you a taste. I'm not going to rob you, but I don't need you, no.

I'm going to deal directly with him. And I would work him for a month. If I told him, Mick, let me get four ounces of coke. I'll be back at nine. I'd be there at 8.45 with his money and a milkshake from fucking Carvel. I let the guy rest. And then one night, without even thinking, talk, let me get four ounces.

And while I was there, my page would go off. I'd already tell you, you'd already see me. As soon as I get in there, make my page go up. Bling. Oh, shit, can I use your phone? Yeah, yeah. And you'd just be telling me about the weather. Yeah, and let's get sonny.

Okay. Mick, fuck, how we're going to do this? I just got another call for a guy. He wants a half a person. You got that on you? Yeah, but I'm going to be any cash. You've got more money than God. What does he want to pay?

What do you want? I want 14. I told him 18. We're both going to split the money. Now I got him. I'm in his greed now. All right, let me do this. Let me drop this four off.

And I'll come back and pick up the eight. What's he going to say? It's Saturday night. He's getting his dicks up. No, no, no, no, no. Don't come back. I'll give you the eight and the four. Go and come back later on.

I'll meet you later. My mother's at two. I just caught him at his weakest moment because I played him. I've been playing him for a month. I've been giving him his money. Now in front of him, my pager goes off. He knows I'm doubling up.

He knows I'm selling a quarter pound of Coke a day. Now I just got a call for three of them. You know what, Mick? Here's the money for the quarter pound. Here's money for two ounces. Let me get six on the cuff. I still got them for six. That's $12,000 plus the...

That's without even me making a profit. He's looking for 12. I'm going to make fucking 22. I'm going to go make 10 because I'm selling it for wholesale. You got to flip it in about two hours. I don't give a fuck. I don't really give a fuck because it's not mine. How easy to sell Coke?

If I call you and say I got two ounces of Coke at 18 per, that's $3,600. But tonight, tonight alone from 8 to 10, Uncle Joey's doing the sale for two grand flat. I'll move that in 15 fucking minutes. Wow. Because it's 56 grams. It's all profit for you. It's all profit for me. I don't give a fuck.

It's like when you come to me with a store, I got a stolen credit card. I come to you and I go, what do you want to the IMAQ? Yeah, how much is it, 1900? I'm going to come to the hour. I said, 8 o'clock. I want $1,000 for the IMAC.

You're not going to get that nowhere else. It's $1,800 plus tax, plus the $250 from Apple, for the staminia fee. But $1,000, you're. knowledge, you're going to give me, and you'll get it. Right. You'll get it. That's a deal. You're not going to get that on Amazon. I'll wait

for Black Friday. You're not going to get that money. I just gave you a deal below fucking way below cost. Could you sell it in, like, let's say you went to a place, a new town. Could you find people to sell it to, or it was only like your friends? I could sell it to my friends, but that's where I made

the move. I dumped the Coke on the way out of town. I dumped, I would, let's say you're the buyer. You sold it before you got it. I sold it before I got. I'm never going to get stuck with it. You already have your cash. I already told you I'm coming over with six ounces at 2,000 an ounce.

That's 12,000, but you're going to give me $7,500 cash to that. And I'm going to give you clean cocaine. No cut, no, no, not going to make your nose peel, nothing. All right. We're talking fucking game there, man. You're going to cut that and you're going to sell that. I'm moving that right out of town. Even when I was a regular drug deal and I played Danny B.

You know Danny B who calls you? to get drugs from him. I get a cord. Let's say I get a quarter of kilo from it. That's 10 ounces, right? Let's say 10.5 ounces. I get 10.5 ounces for those days for $6,500. All right.

My goal was to make a profit because I'm a Coke fiend. So I would make sure, before I got on that plane to pick it up, I already had $10,000 worth of cash sold. So when I got off the plane, I already had $3,500 worth of profit. I'm picking up six ounces. But I'm selling three right off the bat. I'm selling four right off the bat. At 18 a grand or whatever.

You follow them? Yeah. If I'm a Coke dealer, I don't want to buy a kilo to put a kilo in my house. Right. I want to do that. I'm buying a kilo. You don't want to figure it out. I don't want to figure it out. You don't want to have a kilo of cocaine and you've got to figure it out.

When I go to Mix House, I'm going with five ounces of cut in the bag. He's going to give me the Coke. I'm going to open it. I'm going to throw my cut. I'm going to take an ounce of pure in. I'm going to throw four in. I'm going to shake it up real good and credit. bunch it up and bring that to your house.

I'm going to do the cut right on the way to your house. This is no laboratory. This ain't no naked girls with baggies. This is Uncle Joe. He was rocking fucking roll. And a real guy never would have let you bring in another guy. Right. I would say, that's on you.

If you want to move, wait, you move it. I'll give it to you, and that's on you. I don't want to meet a new guy. But some people go, no, let me meet him. Yeah, the real greed, like people that... He wants to meet you, man. That don't have a tight fucking game. That's why I've surprised that guy's been in the same spot for 10 years,

Because most guys, six months, nine months, or they're renting three different spots. So when you go see him, it's a stash spot anyway. It's not even where he lives. Well, this is where he lives, but I know he's got a stash spot. He's got a brown town. But he does all his business very, when he comes back from getting the product, he calls you. This is the way he worked with me. He was very smart.

He called me and he would say, this is what I got. He knew what I had. Sometimes he'd give me a big chunk, sometimes, but he would leave right town again. He's been selling for 20 years in this area. So he's got his customers. He takes no outsiders. Yeah, that's the key. Takes no outsiders.

I know a guy in Jersey I grew up with. I'm 51. He's 51. Bought a house. He has a Chevy. He works part-time. I know he's got a half a mill put away for sure in a speaker. I know for a fact.

He's been selling blows since high school, this guy. He lives, you know, modestly. He doesn't go out to dinners. if he moves two ounces a week, Lee, makes $4,000 or $5,000 a month, and nobody knows what you're doing. That's $2.40 a year. Nobody knows what you're doing. Cash.

Because the people you're dealing with are very, these people are fiends. When I was snorting coke, I was a fiend. Let's pretend if I was doing this type of cocaine when I was on a TV show, right? Two years. I got one guy I'm dealing with in two years. You're going to make a fortune off me. You're going to take it all. That guy's taking everything.

Yeah, he's taking everything. It's, it's, the drug dealer world is amazing. There was a cat. But there's stupid drug dealers and they're smart drug dealers. You don't even want nothing in your house, especially a guy like me. If I got an ounce of coke, before I got to my house, there'd only be two grams left. So the worst I could get in trouble is with those two grams. Does it even upset drug dealers when they get arrested?

Or is it just part of it? No, no, they're very happy. Well, no, not being happy. Yeah, they're fucking upset. They just put it. I didn't know if it was just like part of doing business. Well, it's, it depends on what type of. A type of drug dealer you are.

If you're making 20 key moves a week or a month and you're fucking, you know, making a half a mill of fucking month, eventually somebody's going to fucking crack. You know, you know that as a smart business man. You're going in and going, wow, I've already done this for a year. I've got 200,000 under my mattress. Yeah. You know, do I stop?

You see how to get out point? Do I stop or do I keep going? You know. That's what you were talking about, the greedy guys. There was a guy the first comic in Chicago, not the first, but at least in my generation that hit, that got a, he got a talent holding deal out of the Chicago Comedy Festival in 2000. And we didn't even know there was such a thing. We didn't even know what that meant.

They gave him $250,000. I think I was 26 and he might have been 24. Like that was like stockbroker money. Like no one made that money in the circles we were traveling. That was bizarre money. Five months later, he moved a dealer into. his house. That's how, that's how, uh, sly that dealer was. He got next to him right away. He found out about the money. He started fronting him. He got him charged up. He started feeding the ego,

getting the guy high on himself. And then he said, listen, man, why do I got to go home? Why don't I fucking come in here and the party never ends? You make sense. How fast did that 250 go? Gone. It's gone in here. Where is he now? Florida, I think that kid in who to Florida. Comedy still? Yeah, I think so, but he owned it a couple years later. I mean, he was just too much, too fast. He moved the guy, and he jokes about it now. But yeah, man, he got him.

Just the dealer was like a fucking alligator just waiting for him to put his foot in the pond. Crazy. Even with all the drug dealers I robbed, if you take that number and put it in hundreds of thousands of dollars, and the amount of drug dealer I gave money to, I'd still be losing. I'd still give money. I snorted a lot of coke. guys. I paid for a lot of coke, but I robbed a lot of coke. I got out, man, before, it was the one, like towards the end when I was drinking,

I had to have coke, but I never got, I was a true blue fucking drunk. You know, I've been so, we were just talking about this 12 and a half years, but towards the end, that's what really scared me was when I was drinking and I get that fired up like I had to have, I'm like, where's the fucking man? Where's he at? Page him again. If I can get him over here, where's, let's go over there. You know, it's fucking 6.30 in the morning the guys got kids kicking his fucking. door wake him up kids you know he's probably up you know just you all logic fucking goes you know all my madness was motivated by bombay sapphire gin and tequila but once the cocaine got in there

i'm like we got to push this car off of fucking mollholland i rented a car i'm like take me up to moholland brian training who owns a bar down town he's like all right let's go we're up on molland we're out we're pushing the car he's like what are we doing it's four in the morning i go we'll launch this fucking thing off the cliff eight team's stuff aisle and see if this fucking car blows up. Here in L.A.? Oh, yeah, we were up on Mohan. You know, how they have those oversight things you could look and see.

Just for fun? Yeah, it was like four in the morning and I just moved here. I drank in L.A. for six months and then I got sober, hopefully for good. So I'm like, I had a rented car and it was fully insured. I'm like, let's launch this fucking thing off a cliff and see what happens. He goes, what? And he dives in the car from the passengers. You were pushing it like it was dead, you know?

I had it in neutral. He dives in and pushes the emergency brake. He goes, I'm not walking all the way. back down the fucking hill he didn't give a shit that we were going to launch the fucking car into someone's house he just didn't want to fucking walk back down home yeah man it was it was it was i knew if i drank out here i saw a couple things one i'd be dead in a year for sure but two i saw that it was wide fucking open on the street like no one was really pulling any strings and i'm like if comedy doesn't work i was on the opposite side you were

I'm like, I'll just fucking jump back in the game and just put a crew together out here because no one's doing anything. You know, I see guys in like, askots going, I'm a cook dealer. I'm like, holy shit, this is the guy you're copping from? I'm like, who's got you back? He's like, what are you being? And I'm thinking, this guy's just walking around with weight with loafers and a scarf and a fucking, I'm like, you're just floating around with this? Like, no one, that's what you do?

There's no one, you're not part of a crew? You don't have them back And you just went out You know You booked a commercial And you took 10 grand And you bought a kilo And didn't they shoot a movie

About kids that were robbing people Oh yeah Oh yeah That like the bling ring Or something like that It's Yeah It's you know

You meet these people These people let their guards down They're not from that environment They're not from that society So when they come up with an animal And trust me Every day Somebody gets hit by an animal

Here in L.A. This story If you turn on the I only Almost got caught and all that shit. You'll see that half of those stories are like that dumped it. It was an actor and he turned this and he'd be awesome. They gave him a job as a loanmower guy in front of somebody's house and he fucking robbed a car.

It's always something, you know, because it's crazy if you don't. I make copies of everyone's driver's license that comes to my house that does handiwork. Everyone. I go, I understand you guys want a fucking living. I got a copy machine right here. Give me a license. and I'm going to make it through you think I'm going to fucking stay I don't give a fuck what you think

Give me a copy of your fucking license So you're not doing the fucking work Because you can come in and you get 10% for tipping off a score To your pal or your uncle that just got out And he shored on money and you came in and you saw three big screens and four MacBooks in my house And you're getting 10% of that I'm like people clean my house Yeah so I'm like hey

Never No outsiders in your house nothing We're making copies guys It's the weirdest thing I don't like no outsiders in my house like a lot of people get cleaning services to come in. I don't want nobody in my fucking house. When I go to a hotel, I don't want a misunderstanding.

Let's just not have any misunderstandings. Nobody in my fucking room. Don't refill the snack bar. Don't do nothing. Don't do nothing. Mind your fucking business. I'm leaving on Sunday morning. You can do whatever the fuck you want.

I don't want nobody in my house. That's why when you were telling me, you're Jewish. That's even worse. I don't have anything in my house. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You could be sitting there one night. Somebody might think.

you have something. You got three guys that might think you have something. And here you are tied up, getting bit slapped in there asking you where's the phone. And you didn't do a fucking thing. You didn't do a fucking thing. You don't ever want anybody in your fucking house. You clean your own fucking toilet. You do everything.

Nobody comes in my house that doesn't necessarily have to be in there. We have water in the ceiling. And the guy was coming at 315. I was right there with him. I checked the fucking everything. I let him know. He said, I'll be back Thursday. He can't be back Thursday.

We're not going to be here. I own it. And I tell them, look, I used to be a fucking animal guy. Yeah. So I see the move coming. By the way, not to interrupt you. It has been stroke week online. I'm going to tell you people for the last fucking time.

All right. Just in case you got any ideas. Say what it is. I don't want to do nobody's podcast. I don't have the fucking time. If you don't live in L.A., I can't do your podcast. I don't Skype. I don't know.

What the fuck I'm doing next? I don't know. I don't know. And now I gotta get a hold of you and tell you I can't do your stupid fucking podcast Let's just stop now Don't hit me up a podcast I don't want you to hook me up I don't want to do dick

When I go to a fucking town to do comedy I don't want to be fucking bothered Number two If you want me to sponsor you It's all about cash, okay Don't tell me what I could make That fucking jerk off the other day You can make 30,000 selling websites

Really? Go sell fucking websites then Show me one guy. Let's make him 30,000. He thinks like I'm some fucking Momo. Well, you can make that. Well, all right. Well, if I can make 30,000, let's do this. It's commission, right?

Yeah, you've made 30,000. Yeah, all the time. Send me 15. And you can sponsor this show. I don't want 30. You made 30, right? Yeah, good. We want eight of that.

It's fair. Okay? If you don't have eight of that 30, you ain't real. Bye. Today I got a guy. I made Oprah Millie. I'm the guy that made Oprah I want to put a tour together

but we want to get another and the guy was serious I should have taken this fucking email and read this fucking thing he wants to put a comedy to he put down what Russell Peters made last year with Jerry Seinfeld made with all the top comics made and he said that if we do a tour we can make more money than these guys

and we're funny than them but he wants to do a tour with all these attractions like we're going to pull somebody who got arrested in that area into the stage and yell and embarrass him and tape it. Right away, you're like, are you fucking retarded? He went from Oprah to grab him felons out of the audience. Somebody tweeted at me this week, and I'm sure he's nice,

but he said when Joey comes to Indy, you guys should do a podcast from the prison for the inmates. Mind you fucking business. Like a funny guy. I don't even tell you something. These people with all their fucking ideas, these people tend to you just call up a prison. Yeah.

And go, hi. You don't need clearance. and Joey Diaz and my friend Lee Syatt and we want to come and do a podcast. Oh, DeNVix would love that. When do you want to do it? Let me book you in. Our goal here is to make the inmates happy.

Are you fucking stupid? And actually got to ask those people. Are you fucking just asking? I don't know. She's a nice guy. He ain't a nice guy. He's a dummy. Because who would think, who wants to go to a phone? What makes you think I want to go inside a fucking prison and do a podcast with a bunch of people

looking at my neck. That's what they're looking at. They're looking at your fucking neck going. Look at that guy. He eats good. I can smell the salt. I can smell the fucking sausage from the fucking ears.

Please people, just leave me to fuck alone. I got a wife. I got a kid. I'm trying to get healthy. I'm trying to write a book. I'm trying to write jokes. I got a podcast. I got to communicate with friends

and loved ones around here. I don't have time to call you during the week. I don't. I don't even know what my next fucking move is. Today I had a guy hit me up. on Facebook. Go to my Facebook page. Hi, you did a podcast with a gentleman.

I think it was Burke Kreischer and you said something about the government. What's the name of that agency? Are you retarded? I don't know what I said on the podcast yesterday. What the fuck are you talking about? What I said? You don't even know who the fucking guest did. I don't even know who the guest was.

At least you could go to Twitter or something. Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah, it's not. Did you respond? Yeah. You went back and forth? of them. What I say, though. Okay, do you want me to read the thing you wrote? Whatever, Lee. Read something, your fuck.

Jesus Christ. You want me to read the thing? No, I wanted to... We get a lot of momentum going there, Lee, until you threw a fucking stick right in the spokes. His response was my brother, I don't remember what I said yesterday. Never mind two months ago. Dot, dot, dot, dot. That's all he responded with. And what did he say? Thanks for the honesty. What the fuck you're going to tell him? What the fuck is wrong with these people?

Thanks for the honesty. You're fucking, Hey Joe, you do my podcast? Not you, you're family. I can drive to your house. I know, I'm saying. These guys. Do you ever do that until you're talking to a guy

and you're just vulnerable for a moment in front of them? You're like, man, these motherfuckers, and you stop. And then they ask you for the exact same thing that you just went on a fucking rant for 10 minutes. All the time. And you're like, will you not listen? All the fucking time.

To what I fucking just said for the last 10 minutes? All the time. I don't have the time. If I had the time, I'd do them. I did Doug Benson's at four in the afternoon I had to cancel two fucking things. I don't have the fucking time, guys. I barely have the time for this.

What do I think we're doing on Tuesday and 9 of 8 o'clock? Because shit develops. And, you know, I got four fucking days in town. I got three days in town the next two weeks. So my time... Where are you going this weekend? Where are you playing? Buffalo, New York.

No shit. Fucking beef on wick. A couple diet fucking wings. Diet wings? They got diet wings in Buffalo. That's how they're playing. Helium. The only fucking.

Nice, man. They only have a fucking club up there. I mean, they don't have shit. They had the little chubby lesbian chick, but she moved to open up a roller skating rink of some shit. Who the fuck knows? She bounced a few checklers old for her. Gotta go.

Yeah, once you bounce a check in the comedy business, it's tough taking the call. You know what I'm saying? It's tough for somebody. It's going to get around, yeah. Nah, I mean, what are we talking about? Were you going to go this week here in Buffalo? No, before that we're talking about.

Oh, some guy. Drug dealers? And then people asking you to do podcasts? Yeah, podcasts. you know, businesses. People want to start businesses. Hi, how are you doing? You want to start a business?

Yeah, yeah. I just met you on Gmail. Yeah. I'm dying to fucking start a business with you. All right. Get the fuck out of here. Fucking, what the fuck is wrong with you? Everybody wants to start a hot.

You should come to Denver and start a weed business. All right. I'll do it tomorrow. Yeah, I got nothing better to do with to fly back and fucking forth. I can't stop looking on my child. Yeah, that's right. You know, man, who the fuck wants to stop looking at your kid? One day you're going to get the wife pregnant.

You're going to look at you. You can't take your eyes off of them. Nothing means the same. Nothing. I don't give a fuck. What I want to hear? What story do you want to tell me? I got to sit there and listen to you and do a fucking podcast in a basement

where your mother up there cooking goulash or some shit. And a waste of your time is no longer a waste of your time. It's a wasted. I don't have the fucking time. You know, some guys last week, can you call into the show on Sunday? Listen, guy, on Sunday I do this thing at 10 o'clock. I get out of 11, 11.30. I got to drive back.

Whatever time my wife gets out of church, with the kid, we got to go eat. Yeah. So if your podcast has to interfere with eating, you're not going to get the call. Can I be that honest with you? Well, if you could, did you just not fucking hear what I told you guys?

That if I'm with them, I can't pick up the fucking phone and call you. I can't. It's impossible. I'm with my daughter and the fucking wife at a restaurant, and you want to ask me who's going to win Anderson Silver against Diaz? I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck. It's going to be silver, by the way. Who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? I don't give a fuck. You know, people want you to give a fuck. You know, people want you to give a fuck. give a fuck about things. And that's the problem as you

as you get older, you don't give a fuck. How did I waste all that time doing that? Watching that stupidity and doing this and doing that. You start narrowing it down. I just got a flip phone during the day. I think I told you. So I forward my iPhone calls to the flip phone from 10 to 6. Put the thing away, please. Put the thing away. You make me nervous. Yeah. That means the feds are watching. 10 to 6. Hold on. Just look right in this little hole right here. Put the thing away. You make me nervous at the fucking phones, the size of a fucking house.

Well, I know people have asked you to do Biggest Loser, and do you see what happened recently with them? Nobody asked me to do the biggest loser. It hasn't people? No, not them, but people keep saying you should go on it. Yeah, but they do a police background check. Really? Yeah.

They don't want none of that shit. Okay. Nobody's ever said it to me because they know I won't do that shit. I don't do that stuff, where it makes you think I want to be on TV and running around with a bunch of fucking almost. Look at me. I need a protein that Jillian Michaels, the Queen of the Jews, whipping me and shit, telling me to lose weight.

Go fuck yourself before. fucking call the man to steal. The fuck is wrong with these people. Fucking obvious loser, whatever the fuck. Biggest loser. Obvious loser. Obvious loser. What the fuck it is with a bunch of gentile.

This is fun. Get the fuck out of here. I was just telling you guys before the show, and I did that RRI show the other night, the, uh, this is not happening? This is not happening. You know, I'm a professional, and I try to be a professional, but I also have another problem.

I'm not a fucking fake. And I went to this thing the other day, Saturday night and that wasn't a great move when I went down I had a story in my house I was on do a story about revenge when me and Tommy Russo and Didi Cantaro beat up this fucking jerk off of the whiffle ball by Nick's Pizza and I get there and by the way I started seeing industry people but like industry people that I've known throughout the years and they if I if if a train fell out of the sky they they'd want the train to hit me like they've tried really hard not to even avoid me but to fuck with me and

every obvious point. A couple of these cunts I saw down there, you know, two cunts in particular and a couple guys, you know, that work for Comedy Central, they do whatever they do, they have that little fucking job, which they have no talent at all. They don't do nothing. They don't even know what talent is.

They know what people tell them. You know what I'm saying? When they're sitting in a group and, oh, my God, I've seen Hannibal Berger's all he's all right, you know, they just agree with what everybody else agrees with. That's it. And they go to each other. When you go to that, it's not whatever the fuck.

When we go to the This is Not Happening, and the little Comedy Central comics go up with their dumb fucking stories, and you see the Comedy Central people. There's their boys. When we go up, they sit there stone face, like looking at them. You can see these motherfuckers have hatred for the real people. They're not real, and this is what I forget, that these people are part of a fake fuck.

They were raised fake. Their parents were fake. You know what I'm saying? They've been fake all their lives. They've been seeing people go, you know, People come over and they're like, oh my God, it's so nice to have you over. Then when they close the door, like, well, lucky they left. They saw that as children.

So they bring that, they start doing that also. They start telling people, oh my God, no, listen, you're a fucking asshole, let me bring hummus to my fucking house again. When your child sees that, he gets it. When your child sees that, you don't have to be nice to people, that they rather hear the truth. Sometimes people rather hear the truth. When my wife makes me a dinner, if it's spectacular,

I'll suck the fucking pussy 10 times. But if the food isn't that good, I'll tell her the truth. I'll say, honey, I didn't like that meal. I didn't like how you cook it. So she doesn't keep doing it so I don't get myself into a personal run as a human being and I have to lie to her. And now every six weeks, she's like, I made your favorites. Then I'm my fucking favorites.

I don't like that shit, you know? And I'm like that with everybody. But that's how I was raised. I saw my mother be real with people. I saw my mother at a bar tell people instead of what they wanted to hear. She didn't care about the customer. She didn't care about it. Listen, I don't like you.

I don't want you in my bar. I just don't like you, man. And you don't like me, and you've talked about me. So why would you want to drink here? Get the fuck out of my bar. I saw my mom do that. And I put two and two together what a real person is like, what my mother wanted me to be like.

So when I get around those people, I get angry. It just makes my fucking hit. And now that I've been in L.A. all these years, I react to them different. And the other night, I let them take me down with their evil and with their kiss of death. prowess. I let them take me down and that's why I bombed at that show

and guys I got the fuck right off the stage I didn't even say goodnight to anybody like I didn't want to say goodbye I just hate those people now like I have no use for fateness for telling somebody hey that was great no it wasn't why are you lying to them why are you lying to them when I get off stage

I know if I bombed you only come up to me tell me that was great I even get pissed to people when they come up to me and go that was a great said no it wasn't that said sucked okay I saved it somewhere along the line but I did the same jokes or whatever. I'm just one of those people. It changes the tone of the audience, for sure.

You know what I mean? If that's part of it. Because an audience isn't going to judge it that hard, no matter what. You know what I mean? It's like stockbrokers, you know, sitting in a bank convention. What do you mean? Unless it's like a bombing, bombing. You've sat in a thousand bad shows, Lee, that some have included me

and some of your favorite fucking comics. You've paid 60 and 70. $70 to go to those festivals. And you've come back and told me the truth that this person sucked, this person sucked. Yeah, that art ball festival. That takes a lot of character. Because nobody's going to pay $60 and come back and tell you it sucks. That's why there's so many exquisite restaurants.

They suck. Half of these restaurants you go, they suck. You go in there and you're like, I don't know what the fuck they're thinking, but this sucks. But nobody's ever going to tell you something sucks and they put a $100 investment. The woman is definitely not going to tell you. Everything to them is fucking great. You know, they eat dirt wrapped up in the fucking tamalia. Oh, this is great, it was great.

No, it wasn't. Shut the fuck up. I was smack you. It sucks. Are you filming or no? What's that? Were you filming for the show or now? What show?

The one you just said you did. You did already show, but this was at the festival. Right, this is at the festival. Oh, it's the festival. Yeah, it wasn't the show. You already taped it. I seen it on YouTube. Yeah, yeah, I taped the show.

We taped two of them, and then now we're doing a TV one. Yeah, so that was just a lot. That was a throwaway, though, right? That was a throwaway, yeah, I didn't give a fuck. No, no, no. Not a throwaway, but you don't have to fucking go up and hit a fucking home run because the cameras are on. No, no, I don't give a fuck. I just did it because I wanted to help Ari.

He's my friend. But once I went down, I saw the people that were saying hello to him and creepy people. Like some girl came up to him. We were having a conversation. Some girl came up to him, didn't give a fuck. Hi, do you know how I am? Yes. And Ari is planning like, listen, did you not see I'm having a fucking conversation ain't?

I was like, I don't know. I'm Susan, whatever's. assistant. You're an assistant. You're coming to say, well, get the fuck out of my face with some white dude with a blue shirt on, with ugly shoes on. He was just standing there. Like, she was deadbeat, and he was a bigger fucking deadbeat.

You know, and they're spreading their deadbeaten this around. Get the fuck in a seat with that popcorn on a fucking Saturday. You're not eating popcorn. The fuck out of here. There's booze. There's heroin. You're around the block from downtown. You're fucking eating popcorn. But why didn't you just do the story that you, because we've talked before about how, like,

if there's older people in the audience, you used to get nervous and you don't anymore. So why did you let them change your story? I don't want to give them the satisfaction. Yeah, I think it's a weird thing. It's a generate, when we came up, there was a weird thing where somehow the power shift just came in. It just fuck with you from being a young comic.

I don't know if you shared it, but it sounds like the same thing. And then you got to get on the other side where you just go, I don't give a fuck, I'm going to do what I'm going to do anyway. You know what I mean? because I did a showcase one time, and it was like you're already starting at a disadvantage. And you know when you go up and you're performing for an audience,

you could feel where the audience is at. And you're like, don't you want this to go your way? I mean, if we collaborate on this, we get the best result. Like, you trying to break me isn't good for either one of us on a business level. You feel me? But that's not the approach. It's always like, you fucking jump through hoops and you prove it to me. I'm already here, man.

I'll never forget. I walked off stage to a standing ovation at the improv in 2004, and the executive from a network was in the back, and I'm on cloud nine, and I'm high-fiving people. It was just a magical set. And I go, what do you think of that? I just happened to see him.

He was standing by those double doors that opened by the sound booth. And he goes, I go, look, look. And I'm wave. People have turned to watch me walk out of the room, and I'm waving to him. And I go, what do you think of that? He goes, I don't know what to do with that. And I go, what are you talking about? He goes, I don't know how to, I don't know.

I go, look, that's your audience. That's who watches your network. What do you mean you don't know? I don't know how to. Because Downey wouldn't buy advertising. I'm like, what do you mean you don't? That's the people that buy things. What are you talking about?

And then we went outside. He's like, I just don't know how to translate that into a television show. And I go, well, that's where we go and we meet with writers and showrunners and we pair it up. And I tell you more stories. And we, I mean, the businesses now wasn't. this just to let you know what I'm capable of on a comedy level and you just saw it everyone it wasn't a person that stayed in the seat too much work yeah it was like it was it was a it was a bizarre confusing puzzle and it was

weird that I think it's shifting now because of social media like did the Radford Hall show Saturday night sold out standing room only sold out there the show I don't need somebody to tell me that I'm funny anymore I don't I don't need that come to my show You know, you were, thank you again for making me a part of your show. You know, invite me to come out and do stand-up. I performed for your audience. So my job that night wasn't like, hey, everybody fucking look at how funny I am. It was, I'm going to be funny for you, for your headliner coming on.

I'm going to do my little dance. I'm going to give you my goods for 15 minutes. Perform to the top of my capabilities, but Uncle Joey's closing it out. And it's his show and it's his night. Old school style. You know what I mean? You don't want to come on and scoop everything up. That was great, man, by the way.

Your audience is the shit. Well, these got these podcast people. Listen, now you're getting people that come into the shows and they know what you're about. Ten years ago, you were going up on stage cold. Cold. You said two words that were wrong. You turned off half the audience. Now you're fighting fucking upstream.

We don't have that problem no more. People are coming out. And I appreciate them. I can give them a better show. They know what we're coming from. There's nobody getting upset. We did a fucking live podcast at the laugh factory, the second one. It was horrifically because half the people there didn't belong.

because the Laugh Factory marketed it wrong. They thought it was a stand-up show. I told The Laugh Factory 15 fucking times. The Laugh Factory, I never dealt with nothing like that. Me and Lee, I've had this conversation on podcasts for three weeks. Half these club managers don't know what a fucking podcast is. They don't know how to podcast is. So do me a favor.

Just leave it alone. Don't touch it. Just make believe we're coming on a Wednesday night. We're going to do it. Or don't book it and then try to make it your thing. It's your thing. This is your guy's show. You bring it in.

Don't be like, make it like this. Go fuck yourself. They call me. Oh, well, who's kind of show? Who's doing stand-up? How many minutes are people doing the piece? It's a podcast. So does that mean six people go up or seven?

I was like, I don't believe this. I do not fucking believe this shit. That's like the last thing that's holding people back is it's too expensive to book theaters. So you still have to deal with some of these people. but once someone figures out a way to have music venues Lee they're doing music venues now yeah you go in on a night like on a Monday when it's dark you do 100 seats at 20 bucks a pop

and you keep the door the could you tour like that could you tour like headlining comedians tour and still make close to the same money yeah I'll tell you what when you're doing those rock clubs you earn every dollar it's fucking shoot them up Sally if they know you're coming though I'm saying you do those clubs with your audience Because they're standing.

It's a lot of shit. There's no door people. It's not the improv. So you earn your money, but you lose. It's fucking crazy. You know, Stan Hope did it for a while, and it worked for him. Yeah.

But his audience, that's what they are, you know? Yeah. Most people, rogan people, you know, did them want to go to that shit. That's why he stopped doing the House of Blues. You know, he wouldn't let him stand up. And they said, no. I don't want people stand up in my show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to stand up for 30 minutes, bro? After 20 minutes, I just paid fucking 20 bucks. I'm standing up. You got to rent chairs. You just take it out of the door. You rent 300 chairs, 200 chairs, whatever, and you put chairs in them. You got to put chairs.

You know, you got to sit down. People have to relax. I don't want people sitting up yelling. No waitresses. They got to walk back and forth. That has a different touch to it. That has a complete different feel when there's no waitress and you're losing them. Are there only corporate comedy clubs or are there like individual comedy clubs?

It's individual ones. But do like, main like A level Headliners go there? If you're the only game in time. Me and you opened up a club in fucking Detroit. Uh-huh. And we paid the comics and we hooked up with Gersh

and CAA and we paid their fees. We get whatever comic we want. Okay. But when you see their fees, you're going to have a heart attack. Really? You know, because to really make it, you got to have the big guys come in that sell tickets.

Those guys want money. They also want a white limo. They also want eight hotel rooms. for their friends and family. Plus, you have all this advertising you're doing, which advertising is out the fucking roof right now. That's why when I get an email from somebody telling me about how easy it is to put a tour together,

I giggle my ass or didn't. Funny or die have a tour with all the Gentiles of comedy. Right, with Whitney Cummings and, you know, what's his name? The guy, you know, stepbrothers and everybody was on the tour. What happened? And Nick's Wants and what happened? What happened to the tour? The oddball tour?

No, the other one they did. I don't know. Funny or died to the tour two, three years ago. Oh, okay. And, you know, touring is hard because you got five fucking egos, and their agents are part of it. So your tickets are going to be $85 fucking dollars. $100 for five egos.

You ever go see five egos on stage? It's a dumbest thing you've ever seen your life, people. Don't go see five fucking egos. Five's too much anyway for one show. For one show. Unless the shill's running. two and a half hours, which means it's a half an hour too long, which means five people chopping up 20 minutes.

And they're going to go over the light. Yeah, and everyone's going to want to go in the third spot. That's why I don't want to be part of boy bands. That's why you don't want to be part of those tours, you know, T-shirts. I'd rather not. I like doing it small. I'm a micro-economic type of motherfucker. You know what I'm saying?

I'm not a macro-type of a motherfucker for comedy. I'd rather keep it small, keep the prices low. I want the people to go home and felt like they'd have. got a bargain. If I charge him 30, they're going to go, that wasn't a bargain. He sucked. But if I charge him 20, 18, that's a fucking bargain guy. And I want, I don't need to make fucking money off doing that shit. I don't really, it drives me crazy. Once the business angle of it comes on, and these agents will call you. I got a call last week. We want to do $35 dollar tickets. We'll cancel me. Yeah. Well, how about 30? Cancel me.

How much are tickets? 22 is the top ticket I charged. That's probably with, it's probably 20 with a service fee. So that's probably what's 22. 22. That's it. I don't give a fuck. Don't book me then.

I don't believe in that. I don't believe a comedy club, a person in Champagne. Oh, I don't believe it. Because they got to get a babysitter. They got to get valet. I don't believe it. I just don't want it.

I don't want that. I don't want that, you know. I don't need $25 for these shirts. $20. That's it. I don't need all this, you know, to destroy people. I never had that desire.

I didn't want people to come. Oh, a shirt. this, that, that, no. I don't even give a fuck if you buy a shirt. Just come to the fucking show, let's laugh. Let's smoke dope afterward and go to fuck home. We'll take a picture. That's all I want of these people. You know what I'm saying?

Lee, what's the matter with you? No, I'm fucked up. How are you fucked up? Because you put hash in there. No, I didn't put no hacks. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. You put him putting hash in for like two weeks.

You have like little exciting periods. What happened to you last night? You got stoned. Oh, my God. I got stoned. I forced myself to go to the gym at 9 o'clock. I got a little bit unhigh or a little bit sober. Did you sweat some of that T.8C out at the gym?

Yeah. Did you smell it coming out of your fucking? No. But I had to turn off Scarface because I thought he was going to smack his wife. And I started having a panic attack on the elliptical. You were telling me that, Clay. You don't have to see women get smacked. It freaks me out.

But you'll watch porn or see him get fucked in the ass and calmed on their tiddies. Yeah. I don't know. There's something. There's something about seeing a girl get smacked in the face freaks me out. Let me give some shout out to you, right? Miles Babs, I love you, cocksucker. Fred Nazar, stop asking.

You're fucking disgusting. Peter Ho Quinn. Amy, who loves you? 420 Malibu Zelda, you bad motherfucker. Raised by wolves and Lauren Rosenkir. I love you guys. Always. Yeah, Peter, Fred Nazer.

Stop. You're embarrassing. You know what I'm saying? One time. I did it because you're a fucking pain in the ass. You know what I'm saying? What's up, Lee? What are you got plan for tonight?

Where are you going to go? Tonight, I got nothing. You're going to go and get some cheeseburgers? What are you? How many calories you got left tonight? You're not going to eat tonight. Like a thousand. Just don't do nothing to you.

Oh, yes, it does. Like a thousand calories? Well, I only have... How do you have a thousand fucking calories? At night at night. I'll tell you why. Because I had to take a sleeping politics in the morning, so I don't wake up until noon.

So I had one subway sandwich today, and then I had two other podcasts. That's always a thousand. You woke up an hour ago. Yeah, pretty much. So, yeah, so I still have something left because every time I get this high, I have to eat. Why did you eat a subway sandwich?

You didn't go to big mice? After everything we went through You didn't go to Jersey Mikes You're back at that dump I had two I had three podcasts today I had to go to the gym There's a Jersey Mikes around the corner

What happened It was easy It was easier You got North Hollywood Diner too No don't go there No To put shitty food We used to go there

No no no Why would you go to subway That's it's over No more subway You're a Jersey Mikes guy now Okay That's it It was pretty good

That's it No more subway That's the new rule in the house. No more salt. I don't want to hear that shit. You're a Jersey Mike guy. Get a regular sandwich, no chips, and get a diet soda, they'll be fine.

I do it all the fucking time. Tuna with a little onion, hold of vinegar and all, with a little mayo, you're fine. They got the turkey, nice turkey. Real turkey. With provolone cheese. You put some lettuce,

you put some mayonnaise, salt and pepper. It's a beautiful fucking sandwich. No more subway guy. That's it. You're a man, you're a church fucking evaluated. You're the fucking guest host of, the chair. How are you eating that disgusting shit? No more church. No more of that shit. You got Jersey mics right around

the corner, bro. Right around the corner. Why do you hate America? He hates. He loves that pepperoni. He goes in there and he gets that pepperoni from in there. I get pepperoni from the deli counter. What's the name of your Al-Qaeda cell? What? You get pepperoni at the fucking subway. Yeah. With nothing.

Sometimes. I get muffed it. No more. No more subway. Unbelievable. You are a Jersey Mike guy now. You're from the East fucking coast guy. You got to start acting like. You got to start eating top-notch food. No more silliness for you.

There's a busload of grandmothers that just perished because of your insubordination. No more. No more this shit. You're an East Coast guy, bro. You got to act like an East Coast guy. But you're a huge friend of that cheese and veggie sandwich. No, I don't. No, I don't. I don't go in there.

When I'm on the road, making $6 a week, I'm a big fan of it. Why would I go in there when you go get tub and a sub that fucking sub the thing? What? What's tub in a sub? Sub and a sub is a salad at Jersey Mikes. Oh, okay. She'd get the same sandwich without the bread. So don't tell me about calories.

I want to lose weight. Nah, fuck that shit. That's poison. That's poison. How many times when he's talking fucking... And not every rose has its storm poison. Poison poison. It's fucking bad for you.

It's turkey fucking pastrami. It's turkey fucking salami. It's turkey fucking pepperoni. What part of that don't you fucking understand? But what's wrong with turkey? Because you want to eat the real shit. You're from the East Coast, guy. You're from Boston.

You gotta start acting like it. He eats cheddar cheese. Who eats cheddar cheese on the sandwiches? Most people. No, they don't. That's for fucking white Gentiles that eat ranch and they believe their reviews to a movement.

Oh, I got fictars. You know, that's what that's for. No more cheddar. American sliced thin, Swiss, sliced thin. White. White, the American white is... Oh, you don't fucking know.

American sliced thin, Land of Lakes. What are you fucking nuts? It's like butter. A little provolone when that cheese melt, that cheddar cheese. Squeeze a pimple on your face. You see the cheddar fly out of your fucking face, cocksucker. That's a cheddar cheeses. Disgust.

Nobody goes, when was the last time you went to a sandwich? A place. Even fucking subway. They sell cheddar cheese there. No, there's a reason, whatever your fucking name. Is there a reason why people, you don't put cheddar cheese on a sandwich? Never. Like, whatever avocado?

Yeah, if you need it. Like if you're half a fag. Like if you're gluten-free, who puts avocado on that fucking sandwiches? When you go to Jersey, is there any fucking sandwich with avocado on it? No? No! Then why would you put avocado on your fucking sandwich? Because we're in California.

When you go to Boston, is there avocado when you got a legal seafood? No. They look at you and go, are you fucking retarded? Are you fucking retarded or just taking fucking lessons? This is every week. When I want to write something funny, I call him and ask him what he ate that day. That's all I got to do was call him.

What did you eat today? He told him, never really. He got back because I had Korean dumplings. What's wrong with Korean? Because there's 20,000 Chinese places right up here around the corner. And every week his girlfriend talks him into going to some exotic place. Exotic, it's downtown on the train. Exotic on the train.

Again, you're from East Coast. All right. If you want to take trains, you move to New York. Nobody takes trains. You go right over here. You go to that Chinese place. up the corner here. There's a Korean place on Laurel Canyon.

You keep it over here. And you take a rickshaw from one or the other. That's it. It's over. No more subway for you. That's it. You've been eating subway for too long. Your generation's fucking retarded.

No more subway. No more avocado. No more bacon on burgers. What is wrong with you fucking people? That's a double colostopy. What is that called? Like a double... If you wrote a sentence, what is that call?

Redundant. Being redundant? Yeah. That's being redundant. redundant, you know. The shit with the clubs. Who eats a club sandwich in New Jersey? With avocado.

You can't order a club sandwich on these coast. You just had a club sandwich. I don't not eat a fucking club sandwich. At the baby place. My wife went to that. My wife went to the... But it was an East Coast club? Yeah.

He's a BLD club? Tone of mayonnaise. A sour dough. Crispy, almost burnt bacon. I'll fucking stab you. turkey lettuce tomato

Yes Triple layer Triple layer And it was tight Up at the fucking With USC The bowlers Across

They have the kids space Oh yeah Yeah Fucking the kitchen Was tremendous My wife got that She's right away She's a fucking gentile

I'm gonna smack down But you know What are you gonna do But then when I saw it I'm like holy shit It looks like an East Coast BLT With toothpicks

Roar toast They cut it nice Little triangles But that shit You eat chicken Man, bacon, I'm a... I see you. I see you.

I see you. The other night, listen to what happened. Twice already. A nice, nice people sent us a Christmas present. $25 to go eat a fucking... What's the name of the place?

A steak place, I forget. Yeah, you forget. Ruth Chris. Oh, that's nice. Both times. I offered him to have a girlfriend. One night they were going to get pizza. My girlfriend wanted pizza.

I would smack the fuck out of her. That's when I go to her. I'm going to order you pizza, but I'm going by myself, because you've got to set your marker and enforceedly. She doesn't like steak. Why would I waste? Who gives her fuck what she likes? Who gives her fuck what she likes?

They got fucking shrimp there. They got everything. They'd probably make you pizza. They got everything there. Ruth Chris. Look at the fucking menu. Go to Ruth Chris. Look at the fucking appetizer menu.

But why would I waste it if she doesn't like it? It doesn't matter what she likes. I don't care if she drinks water. As long as she watches, you eat the fucking steak. What do you give a fuck? You turn down a... Pizza from Laurel Canyon. He's from the East Coast.

We're just straight in them out. Go ahead. It's a... It's a brick of them, play. Yeah, it's a big of them. Yeah, that's a party fight. You can't... If a guy's saying, let's go get steaks... No, I gave him my card.

I said, take the card. Take it throw a steak down. I'll fucking throw. You still haven't used the car? No. He has the card. I said, come get it. Take it out.

Then I called him again. What are you guys going to do? I go, Lee. I'm busy the next couple weeks. Just come get the card. Take it around. And I call you back. She doesn't like steak.

Again, who gives a fuck what she likes, Lee? When was the last time? Why waste a nice present? Who gives a fuck? Then you give her a fucking appetizer. What's the appetizers? Read the appetizers. Do you like steak, Lee?

I do love steak. Okay, that's all that fucking matters. Do you do things that she likes? No, he does it all the time. Coconut macaroons. That's what I'm saying. Isn't there a reciprocation? Isn't there a reciprocation?

No, you got to be the Captain Kirk here. What she likes, read. Twice. He's already said. Well, she doesn't like it. Listen, if you don't like it, I'll drop you off at moms. I'll go by myself and get a fucking $100 steak on my own. That's where you call your boys and you say...

You gotta lay the law down, dog. You gotta lay the law? I don't give a fuck what you like. What's on the menu? I forget the name of it already. Read the fucking menu. Ruth Chris. Read the fucking thing menu.

Let's find it. Ruth Chris. It's delicious. I'm sure it is. They panseer the steaks. We got steak before. I like steak, but I didn't want to waste their gift. What gift?

You said it was a gift card. It's not a gift. You're going to take a... You're going to throw something down the throat, and you're going to take a home. They got fish. Yeah, they got a lot of good things, yeah. She don't like none of those fucking main dishes.

Read the main dishes to me. Let's see. Read the main dishes. She don't like none of those dishes. That's what you're trying. Barbecue shrimp, lamb chops, chicken breast. She don't like none of that either, right?

What else don't she like? She hates awesome. What else? That's what they have lobster. They got a lot of stuff. And she don't like none of that. She'd rather eat a fucking pizza. No, you have to explain that.

What the fuck you're going to eat? tonight. For free. For free. A steak dinner for free. Lobster, for free. Yeah. It's a travesty of American justice.

What did you eat the second time I called? That night. Tell him. I forget what night it was. The second time. Last week when I called. The Chinese place? She wanted to go get Chinese.

We went together. Again. I like Chinese too. I'll tell the Chinese on your own fucking time. Uncle Joey gave me a Ruth Chris. You got to go. You got to go. 100%.

We're going. That's it. Put your shoes on. Let's go. I don't really think. Night out, you get to dress up a little bit. It's kind of like it. They got barbecue. Yeah, you're going to like it. This is Ruth Chris. This is white people. These are white people.

One of you're going to be around white. These are people going to protect and serve. You've got to be around. There's a fucking white people. Well, I don't... Get up. You're going. Shut the fuck up.

Get dressed. The fuck. This is what I got to deal with. This is my stepson. This is what God has inherited. And he has the ball But you make these rules and then you break them I don't make no rules and break them

You just said What is with bacon on sandwiches And you had it you ate a club sandwich Because your wife got one Before that one was the last time I made a club sandwich I don't know Never Lee

BLT is the only thing I ate it With bacon on You're not a fan of the bacon I'm a fan of bacon But not on everything Like this new generation Yeah You don't need it

It's like you don't need it It's a double nun tundra Whatever you can If you can So you're just saying Bacon by itself I'll get Oscar Mya thin cut bacon?

Yeah. I smoke a journey. I eat the whole package if it's fried deliciously. I eat it so low with butter. I'll dip my bacon and butter. Draw on butter? I don't give a fuck.

What is like? Just on the stick? I love fucking bacon, okay? One chomper butter, one bite of bacon. But this new white America, they think they got to put bacon on everything. It's fucking mind-boggling. It's a club.

It's a club. What club? I took a little brown sugar and a little Dijon mustard. He was telling me. I whip it up, put the bacon on a baking sheet, slather that little mixture on the top, 4.50.

Come out. Bacon sticks. If I told him I made cinnamon-glazed bacon, he would come over and let the air out of my tires. He just being nice to you. Would you eat Dejohn's cinnamon bacon? Cinnamon, brown sugar.

Oh, brown sugar, sorry. Cinnamon, you don't put cinnamon on bacon. I miss the East Coast. That's what I'm saying to you, though. That's said enough. No more of this shit. You should, though. go back to East Coast fucking eating now. You're a re-represented, bro.

You can't turn into one of these fucking people out of here. You got to go to Ruth Chris. It's fucking great. Astros is great, too. He won't do nothing. No, England. How long you guys been together? A year and a half?

Yeah, that's it. Oh, that's a long time. You got to start telling them, listen, this is what's going on. Hugboots, Speedos, and a fucking cape. I'm going to eat this right now. Well, I don't like, I don't care what you like. This is what we do. With a Sharpie.

I'm the Captain Kirkland of the Sunnipers. Last time I checked. A seat trident. Last time I checked, I'm the fucking man here. The fuck what you like. Aviation goggles. That's right. Ugs, Bito, and aviation goggles with a seat trident.

Like a fucking champion. Roll his skates. I'm going to do this and then I'm going to end up sleeping on your couch. You're not going to do none. That's how you get respected. Not they push you over. Then they'll say I got no challenge. If you...

Look at fucking your boy. He's got no girlfriend now. Because he's... No, you got to fucking step it up. That's a great night on the time. Especially a Latin woman. You got to step it up, though. That's good people watching.

The energy in the place is phenomenal. The services. Two times. The first time for a pizza, I almost died. Like, my feelings were like a fucking pizza. But can you tell the whole story? At least give me some credit. Yeah, man, we have plans on pizza.

We've been dieting since June and we want a pizza. Oh, that's a fuck. You mean this could have been your cheat meal? This is even worse. Listen to this. Listen to this. Listen, a cheap meal You took pizza over a full ride to root criss?

But yeah, she doesn't like steak. This is not the East Coast, so you can live without the pizza. I eat pizza every 90 days, it don't matter. I'm not eating East Coast pizza. So why am I wasting my calories on West Coast shit pizza? There's no pizza like the one I grew up with, so I refused to eat it. Nothing. That shit you guys sent me to that fucking Laurel Cab was garbage.

That ain't Pete. That's garbage. That's garbage. Garbage. What's your spot? That local canyon, that's garbage. Riverside in the low canyon. Oh, yeah?

50 fucking bucks. Why it was not 50 bucks? Is it something bucks? No, I'm on deep dish. Please. You really want to confuse these people? They have a hard time making regular fucking pizza. You want a deep dish like Chicago.

Oh, Jesus. The brains explode. Yeah, you're fucking crazy. I asked for Jardin Air out here. The guy goes, what are you talking about? Yeah, they don't. Add an Italian deli. So then I go, I go,

All right, well, give me some beef with the juice on the side. Give me the azju on the side. He goes, what are you talking about? The beef doesn't have any juice. Where is this? Some place out in Encino. Somebody's like, this is the deli. You got to go there.

This is the Italian deli. Is it where Steve Timon brought you? No, no. No, it was a pal of mine. It's a music guy. So I go in there and I go, all right, give me some beef with the azou on the side. Tell him so you go. Domingos?

Domingos. Oh, it's really good. That's a meatball. And Enino? Oh, yeah. Meatball sauce is. All right. Let's do it.

Roma, right up the corner We used to always go to Roma? In Hollywood? No, not a dip. The old, like... The Chicago... Exactly, yeah, yeah. That's not going to happen, though.

Yeah. Even if you go to Joe Montagnas place, you're going to confuse the Mexican. His head's going to blow up. Then they've got a place down the corner that's supposed to be Chicago. It was garbage, too. I've never had deep dish pizza.

I'll tell you what, I'll overnight some. We'll figure it out after the... I'll overnight you say it's touristy. Well, you go on? Where are you going? Well, you go. It's touristy. No, there's a catalog that I got from Chicago

called Taste Chicago, go, where they overnight it to you? And it tastes. Whenever Bears games are on, I'll get some and you bake them. 45 minutes. Comes in the pan. All you got to do is take the pizza out of the pan, lightly oil the pan, put the pizza back in, 45 minutes of 450, call it a day.

It's fucking magical. And tastes just like home? It tastes like you're sitting in the restaurant. It's fucking great. And it's not super expensive. You'd think to overnight pizza, you know, like a fucking baller from Chicago. but like a two pizza deals like 45 bucks. That's not that bad.

No, it's not that bad. So I do that. I'll get beefs and then they got hot dog packs. So you steam the poppy seed buns. You throw the sport peppers on there, pop some celery salt. That neon green relish. And Boulder used to have mustard's last stand. There was a Chicago place.

And they put the pickles in there. Yeah, yeah. Peppers go. Googly-moly. It's so fucking good. You had a combo, didn't you, when you were in Chicago? Oh I always get the fucking

I'm going to San Diego this weekend And Steve Simone has me Going to Portillo's on the way back Oh yeah Get the fucking Cake shake Did you tell you about that? No, what's that?

They throw a piece of chocolate cake In the shake And when you're When you're drinking it Why are you going on the way back? Big chunks of the shake Come through this trip It's only 20 minutes from me

It's a big white It's Orange County It's La Hombra It's La Hombra Yeah 30 minutes of me It's fast Okay.

Yeah, cake shake, man. If you order something bad and embarrass me in there. What should I get? Fine. Tell me what to get. And this is all Paula gets. Get a combo? If she's not going to get the combo, go, let's get in the car.

Why are you wasting my time? Let's just go get a burrito because you're wasting my time with this shit. This is what she needs to eat from now on. Not your folk plate chicken from fucking Jersey mics. You got to tell this is what you need to eat. You're from the East Coast. You're going to marry me. I'm from the East Coast.

You can't be eating that shit around me. No tofu. None of that shit. You're with me. You've got to eat a beef sandwich with the sausage. What's wrong with tofu? It's either beef or sausage. If she says I don't like it, then let's get back in the car.

You're wasting a nice time. What's wrong with tofu? It's like having a tractor-trailer load of dick slam into your mouth. That's what's wrong with tofu. I just like seeing his face turn red. Unless that's a good thing for you. At which point, I mean the opposite of that. It's taken me 12 years to take my wife back east,

and I've already told them when we go in November, this is what you could eat. This is what you can. can't eat. If you order this shit, you're going to embarrass me. I'll give you the elbow right there. You think I'm kidding you.

You order Felicino Alfredo that white shit. I will fucking strangle you. You understand me? And when I'm in the East Coast, you order... Federating Alffado is white? Yes, you order the proper shit.

Nobody fucking Italian eats Feducini Alfredo. That's a dish invented with Gentiles. You got to get the combo with provolone. You can get red sauce with Jardinare on it

Or you could call it with hot dipped with a hot dog on the side with everything Yeah you're going deep and then you get a cake shake Oh shit shit I'm surprised you don't have a problem with cake shake And if you're if you if you're in the pocket And you're ready to go for gold you split a Euros with her After it's a and you do the cake shake is the dismount

So you want to start with a combo then you do a hot dog like a like a like a like a like a sorbet to clean the palate then you chop the euros gyros if you're from new york in jersey and then you do the cake shake for the dismount that's all portillo then you do a lap around the fucking restaurant screaming i am a fucking champion i am a descendant from zeus sent back from the fucking future to show everyone here how it's done sounds good Party's over, though, for a while. What else is off the limits in New York? Anything stupid.

You need to have your own cooking shows. No Korean dumplings. Nothing stupid. Welcome back to nothing stupid. Back to fucking... Back to the goods. No papaya dogs. You eat papaya dog when you're in New York?

With that... Sabret. I'm a Sabret guy from old school. What's that place on 57th the cart with the Shwama? Those guys, they got the yellow shirts on. I don't know. Like 57 and 5th. I don't know.

He doesn't eat. I don't eat shwama, though. No, that's a carto. The lines down the fucking block. You know what I love in New York? I don't mix a match. Candied fucking cashews, those peanuts, the smell of that in the winter. I don't stop with those people either.

They're filthy. Those look disgusting. They smell good, but they look like they're dirty. They're horrible. They're filthy. I got 40 seconds chain. I get sabbread hot dogs. And there's these other place.

There's these filthy people. And they got those steak on the stick. They marinate and put it on the grill. They give you a piece of white bread. I'll eat 10 of those motherfuckers in New York. So, that's it. No subway, no fucking chain. No chain pizzas, no chain nothing.

They have a lot of chains and like, I hate Times Square. That's great. That's disgusting. Nobody eats in Times Square, only stiffs. Nobody goes to Times Square and eats. What do you think of Lombardis? So don't worry about it. You're not going to be there.

I don't even know Lombardies. Lombardy's over on Spring and Mott in Little Italy. Who the fuck knows? I'm not going into the city. Coal fire. There's only two places left that do coal fire. One's like a hip street place and the others. That's great.

I just need pizza from Romas and I'll be just time. They've been there for 40 years. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's what I don't, if it ain't broke. You know, they got stromboli. Holy shit, man. Oh, shit, man.

Who makes the shrimp parmesan? Nobody. Romers has been there. Somebody took a picture last week. And they said, I've been coming to Romers every fucking week since I was nine. And I'm 50-something. A kid from my hometown. Go to Romers for pizza.

Rudy's for Gallamon or spaghetti or whatever the fuck you want in that realm. I go for Chinese a chance. Do you Fiore's in Jersey? I don't need to go nowhere. If it's not my neighbor, I'm not going. I go there for 50 years. I trust this place.

I don't need to go into the city to be cool to drop a name. I don't like to hear it. I don't need to do that. The city's completely different. Where do you like to perform one year in New York? Gotham. Yeah?

Gotham. I don't like moving around. I move around here. You're always in traffic here. I'm going to New York. There's a slice of pizza in Brooklyn. Listen, that's what you know what I'm saying? There's a slice of pizza in Jersey right by my house.

I'm going there for 50 years. I haven't had stromboli in 20 years. Yeah, you're not, because you're not going to get it. It's just, I'm old-fashioned. I'm old-fashioned, and that's why I use blue cheese with my wings. I wouldn't even know it ranches. I don't want ranch in my table. If I was a restaurant owner, I wouldn't allow ranch in my restaurant

because I don't want the people that eat that shit in my restaurant. Do you follow them? Like, if you eat ranch, I don't want you in my... I'd rather you not come in my establishment. They gave it to you at the comedy store, and I had to take it out of the tray before they handed it to you, because you would have thrown a panic attack. No, I just don't, you know, it's like if you put ranch with wings,

you've got life completely wrong. You've got life completely fucking wrong. That does kind of suck when you call and get wings, and they say, I'll say like extra blue cheese and that's ranch. And right there you go, listen, let's cancel the order because there's no reason to get it. If you had, if you could choose the type of blue cheese, do you go with the blue cheese that's just straight creamy or with the crumbling?

I want the crumbles because the wing has to have the crumble. When you bite into the wing, you've got to bite into that blue cheese. That's the whole fucking patois. Same thing with the celery. You're dipping that fucking celery in there. You get a little nugget in there. Oh my God. That's every fucking celery stick has to have a piece of nugget. First time I hear rant, like the Irvine Improv. Ranch. What are you talking about? I don't even want to perform here. I didn't want to perform here. This is embarrassing. Ranch. Ranch anywhere is just, if you have ranch in your establishment, I don't want to do business with you because I know the type of person

What does that entail? What is the ranch? I don't like blue cheese. You know the ranch people. All the ranch people are the same. They're all nosy and You know, they're all fucking like it. He won't let somebody at the table get it with him.

No, go somewhere else, bro. Go somewhere else. You know better. You didn't. You told somebody not to sit next to you on Southwest because they had food. Yeah. What do you mean they were ordering food?

Yeah, some fucking filthy fucking idiot. Some chick that thought she was cool that was smacking her boyfriend on to do everything. And I was sitting in this thing, so I had two seats here. First of all, I don't want a middle seat. Why do you want to sit here? The rest of the plane is open. It's like when you're in a restaurant.

You're sitting with your family, and the whole restaurant's empty. And they sit people next to you. Why did you do that? Get them the fuck out of here. Get them out of here. That's why I don't go to that place in Burbank no more. I'm one. Because they always put people next to you.

Brother, the place is empty. Get them out of here, bro. I don't want people next to me. You know, at a movie theater, don't sit next to me. I don't give a fuck what the best seats are. There's a seat everywhere. Get the fuck out of here.

I want nobody next to me. Southwest, you come in, the planet is empty. You want to sit here with food. They came in with... Look at us with coffees and food. The poor husband, that jerk off. And she's like walking around with like a fake fur. And I'm like, you're not sitting here.

You're not sitting here. You're not sitting here. No, I was coming back. Not sitting here. I refuse to let your fucking city. I want food in my fucking island. Call the store this. Besides, there's open seats.

Yeah. I don't want somebody in the fucking middle. Bringing in that. And she sat with somebody with two people in the seat, and I sat here with the whole thing open. And there was a bunch of seats open. If you're on Southwest, and you're sitting next to somebody in the plane's empty,

you're a fucking asshole. Get up. I don't want nobody fucking next to me. Never. Never. At a restaurant, if it's empty, go. Go. I don't want, you know,

I don't get that fucking thing. I don't get it. I love kids. But, you know, when you go out, if it's adults out and you're sitting and like, every time, if you're like, oh, sweet, it's empty. We'll be able to talk. We can hang out, breathe a little bit. A fucking kindergarten comes in and they sit them right next to you. And they're going bananas.

The side. Why would you do that? I don't understand. And I've been in the restaurant industry fucking eight, nine years before I started other shit. It's like, you never do that. I don't understand the logic behind that. Lee, we do. Get together, Lee.

No more subway. Jersey mics. Okay. It's good. I like Jersey mics. And if you're worried about your diet, you get the regular turkey and pearl waltonome, lettuce and tomato. Boom. And they got wheat bread and mayonnaise, light mayonnaise for you.

You like light mayonnaise? I'm not. I don't like that shit. I'm just saying for you. I don't like mayonnaise. Just in case. Okay. You know what I'm saying?

Just in case. You take sandwiches really seriously. I take food really seriously. That's what I'm three. hundred pounds, not because I'm fucking around or, you know, I will, like, never. Like, I just, a couple months ago, Doug, this is how crazy I am. I had a producer that wanted to meet me. And I go, okay, where do you want to meet?

He goes, I'll call you when I get lunch and we'll meet. This guy made a mistake. He was a guy when he went to that Thai restaurant. When he called me, he goes, I'm at the Thai restaurant. Come on over. I go, ah, I don't do Thai, brother. He goes, then come on in. I go, I don't even sit at those fucking.

places. All right. I'm not going in there. I know a tie chick. She was filthy. She had bugs in the house. Listen, I just don't want to go in there. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't, like, he called me, went out to a different place. He took me to the Jew place where they sell machine guns.

Aroma. Aroma on sunset, the best. Best, the best, aroma. What are you talking about that? Next time, you never take him out there, right? No. Why would you? Why would you? Why would you? Why would you? You'd get mad at me for going to Hollywood. Why would you fucking take it out?

They got hummus, and they got great bread, and they got Jew food. Why would you take it out? Tell me why. It's no pizza. You better fucking take it there before the next week. Okay. You better take it. I don't give a fuck about Korea food.

We're going to Rome and hang out with some Jews. And I'm going to Hollywood that often. You're going to start fucking going, but you'll go downtown like a fucking half of Momo. Let me go down. Time time. You haven't taken the aroma yet. I haven't been to a fucking steak with the fucking steak french fries. Have you been through a Roma?

It's good. Oh. Oh. It's just a ton of food. The salmon salad for lunch? They'll fuck you up in there. The fucking steak on steak fries, they have a cut up state. They give you on steak fries.

They got this grape bread they get from Israel with butter on it. That I had's good. God damn. They got all that Jew food. I'll try it. I've never been there. No. They got a yell, Pat.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, let's see what Yelph says. Maybe they'll take an Uber. Maybe they'll have a deal with Uber. We could go on Uber and go to fucking Yelp. Millions of people use Yelp, and you're the only person that's a problem with it. We go Yelp and Uber. Because I go by love. I don't need some fucking strange.

But how do you find places? I already, I find them myself. I don't need some fucking dumb stranger that lives in this area to tell me that, I went to this Chinese place. It was exquisite. No, it's not East Coast. So I was, what was it going to fucking be? They don't have an egg roll. Yeah, so I was going to say, where you go for you?

I had to stop. Yeah, I had to stop. The green apple. That's, yeah, that's what I was going to say. That's the closest. That's not an egg roll. That's an explosion. They put a bunch of shit in the thing and explode.

You know what I get when I go there? What do you get? The French filet mignon. That's what I get with the asparagus. How delicious is that? That's not fucking around. Where's this? A nice little kick.

I told you 20 times about that place. You didn't come of the name of the place. Chinese. Green apple, you know, it's fucking great. Because she found the place downtown. Listen, shut the fuck up. I'm going to drive downtown because you found the place. I found the fucking place, dude.

I'm in tour, down the block from fucking jerrys. Okay. I told you this three months ago. When we go to this place? It's a cross from, uh... Didn't you go, tell him, didn't you go to San Juanica? I go for dumplings, didn't you? Because you found the place in the out, didn't you?

Santa Monica was the cooking class you had. No, no. But then you went down there for the fucking dumplings too one time. It wasn't that good. Would you do a little service? Yeah. You could have gone over here, dog. You could have gone right here.

That's the best thing they got for sure. What's that? The filet with the... It doesn't matter. It's so fucking bad. This food sucks if you're from fucking the East Coast. You can't fall into this league. Cann't fall into it.

You can't be taking rides around fucking town. You don't have that time. We're fucking professionals here. You're coming over. I'm taking the studio and we're going back to the house. You're putting the bikini on and we're going to work. What's all this drum? Put the bikini on and we're going to.

Keeney on and we're going to work, dog. Going to work. Putting you to work. What the fuck? You've been studying all week. It's time to work, Jack. Everybody wants to fucking die and go to heaven. Right or wrong.

You told me yourself. You want to have sex. Why do you get involved? When you're sitting in Korea Town, Eaton, aren't you just staring out of going, I can't wait to fuck you, but now it's another hour before I get home on the train? Right or wrong.

You just sit there really enjoying yourself. They're good, yeah. Like, really enjoying yourself. When I take my wife on it, the whole time I'm looking at it, I'm gonna take you home and fucking punch you and do everything to you, you're dirty bitch. You think I'm worried about that's why I don't get myself involved

in that predicament of an hour and a half meal. That's why everything's delivery. Everything's delivery. I can go fucking downtown. It's Friday night. It's dick night. It's fucking going downtown. I haven't seen your fucking week.

You want to take another two hours out of my life to go get fucking dumplings. Really? Really? Really? Friday night is dick night at the house I guess what Saturday night is Dick night again See Friday After you dick then you go to the comedy store

Later Because you got your dick in there Doesn't matter you want to laugh laugh Go ahead what do I care Then you take them back Give another stabbing Right or wrong What do you care

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New episode every Monday. We're on episode 83, 84 drops next week. What got to piss me off, wait. What happened? Huh? With that Subway sandwich. Why you got to get me stuck? Still.

I'm sorry. I apologize for my lunch choice. No more subway for you. You got a foot long thing. Hell yeah. Wait till that piece of shit comes out of your ass. What's the smell like? Death.

Just take it out and look at it. It don't even look like real shit. It looks like turkey shit. That's what probably... Even the shit isn't real? No, it's turkey shit. You're lucky I love you. What are you going to leave?

Thursday night. Thursday night. When are you coming back? Sunday afternoon. Look at you. Three day weekend. Everybody's rocking down there. Yeah, it's her birthday.

I could just imagine. she probably wants to eat here What's to eat there? What happened? There's no hotels in North Hollywood This fucking weekend Why would I take her to North Hollywood Because it's a beautiful town

That's why You got a review She can see the mountain That fucking holiday And it's 200 a night And like the Car dealership What do you do?

What do you do? Let me know what's the weekend entail She has a couple of taco places We're going to go to Steve's friend By the Comedy Store Okay what else I know there's a by the way No it's a bunch of just cool restaurants

Cool restaurants I don't know She went there for college She likes it down there. You ate the fucking crapes, just so everyone knows. He makes fun of me for crepe class, but you ate you. Did you have you made crepe since then? No.

So what was the fucking use? Again, you went to the other shit, the macaroni class. How many macaroons have you made since then? None. Okay. And what's the other class you went to? Just crepe. Okay, so it was a waste of fucking time because ain't nobody going to cook.

You don't fucking cook on the weekend. Lee. Lee, did you go to a macawful? Did you go to a macaroon class And a grape class And you wouldn't go to Ruth Chris To get free steaks Did you imagine this?

This is what I'm talking about And he went to the macaroon class At 8 in the morning Not 8 in the morning Do you Do you? I mean, because you can share Gmail calendars

Does she give you an opportunity To schedule time to see your balls? Not yet. That's on the agenda That is insane though That you would do that you're that caring yet you wouldn't go

I mean do you not like steak I love steak I've been I've gotten stick with him a few times I don't understand I don't understand but the science isn't a very nice gift I didn't want to waste if she didn't like it she gets her steaks well done why am I going to go to that do you say fuck what she gets that night she wasn't getting dick

she was no dick night that's a no dick night she was gonna sit there and watch you eat this that's where you were told maybe if she was good you let us smell it in your Mi undies you imagine that two times I called him

don't come over no we want pizza we got on a diet and Pete now again if it was pizza sent out from New York I could see it

oh shit Lee you get some pizza sent yeah it's a special occasion fucking vomit he got from Laurel Canyon that he made me

he made me go get it I didn't I mean you asked me where it was and I told you it was good pizza it was great pizza is it as good as a pizza

in your neighbor oh how would I know you go to fucking little seasons I don't go to They didn't have little seizures in Boston What they have? What do you get?

Tell me you went to next pizza No, you did. I went to Sedbury Pizza. What is? The town where I grew up, Sudbury. Is it good? Did you take Paula there? No.

And we didn't go, it was snowing when I was back there. Why wouldn't you take Paul? Because it's a 45 minute drive in the snow. I thought it was in the whole fucking town. Yeah, but my mom was in there Boston now. She moved out.

Oh, okay. Did they have any pizza in Boston? You took it to? Yeah. Which one? My favorite place in Boston's Ernestos? because I lived in the North End, the Italian section.

It's a small place. They do the big slices you like. They just put in for like two minutes, a lot of heat up. It's great. You take it there? No, we didn't go. We were there for like four days. That's the pizza you take it to,

and then when you bring her here, you go, we ain't eating this shit out of here no more. That's the pizza you should have taken it to Ernesto's. We go, this is pizza. So don't ever ask again. Like, if it's not Ernesto's, I'm not fucking eating. I'm a East Coast guy. I'm to,

the bone here. No California kitchen, no nothing. When you go to fucking Ernesto's, you're going to look me in the face and tell me that Laurel Canyon is as good as Ernest's? No. What is it compared to Ernestos? Tell me the truth. If Ernestos is a 10, what is that Laurel Canyon place?

Six and a half seven? Four. No, not a four. A four. No more pizza league. You've never been taken. I don't need to fucking go. You're just making up numbers. They're not even working. We're all having Ernestos in every neighborhood. And nothing that you're ever going to eat is going to match up to that.

So I can't give, I'm not going to have pizza for the rest of my life? Never. It's not going to. Never. The only place I eat pizza is at that mall. That fucking Joe's pizza from New York. Oh, yeah, yeah. How good is that?

Right up here. But just built one. That's the same guy that started in Santa Monica. That's good. That's where you fucking go for a slice. Where? Joe's. The Joe's.

Not Joe Peeps. Joe's. No, Joe Peep's is fucking. You, too. Yeah, Joe's. Oh my God, I was hungry, and I was an acupuncture when I went to Joe Peeps. I fucking shit in the back yard. I mean, it went right through the sauce, went right from my mouth, right to my ass.

Like, I threw away both slices. Yeah. That's how bad Joe Peeps was. I threw away both fucking slices. They used artificial cheese. I could tell cheap cheese. That's what they don't know out of here. That's the difference.

The cheese is fucked up and the water's fucked up. The cheese is fucking. Does water make that big of a difference? Because you always see. The alcohol. They bring in New York water. for bagels and stuff. But that lasts for a week and then they've realized they have people who buy

bagels at a store from the East Coast and they go, why am I doing this? That's why all those people... When I first moved to it, the pizza was in Redondo Beach next to the Comedy Magic Club. That was the end all Bio. That was the word. They had gallons of water from Jersey. But then I was talking to the guy when they goes, well what? These fucking

Gentiles will eat fucking dominoes. Yeah. They're from the East Coast because it's that 99 of fucking pizza. You know? No. This is what you get if you're from there. I went to Long Island one time, and on the elevator. There was a kid with a domino's thing. I had to control myself.

He was eating his fucking kid. Just swinging at him and his parents for being so fucking stupid and fucking ignorant. You understand me? What about the guy at Domingo's got like a turkey sandwich? Oh, I was going to beat him too. A white dude with slippers on?

He got a fucking turkey on white. You could have done this at Subway or fucking Rouse. Boreshead, please. No, he didn't get Borset. I don't want to pay the extra premium. I want the regular turkey. Listen, get the fuck out of here. Go to fucking sack.

Subway and eat that shit. I love you, Coxuckers. Buffalo, Helium. See you this weekend. Columbus. See you the following week. We'll be back Monday

with a new fantastic podcast. We're doing mushrooms on Monday. We're getting fucked up with my man Lee. It's over. We're doing mushrooms on Monday? Fuck you. Thank you, Mick, for coming on. I love you.

Please support Mick Bettencourt. Follow him on Twitter. What is it? At Mick Bettencourt. And follow him. Go to his shows. He's a solid dude. I love me.

He's like my brother. You were just on Mick Bettencourt. That's right. Yeah, a couple episodes ago. Thank you. Thank you. All right. This show is sponsored by NatureBox.

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