The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #252 - Sarah Tiana, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: January 29, 2015

Sarah Tiana, Comedian and TV Writer, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:
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Recorded live on 01/27/2015.
 Music:
 If Your Girl Only Knew - Aaliyah 
Mind Games - John Lennon

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You don't even know you have them on. You think you're fucking flying around. Commando and wings on. Go to meondies.com slash Joe. Get 20% off your first order. And right now they give you free shipping in the United States and Canada. Oh shit. It's a Wednesday motherfucking night right here.

It's snowing everywhere. We're over here fucking living like doctors. The church of what's happening now, bitches. Sarah Tia. Joey Diaz and your main man, the flying Jew. Kick it, Lee. What? What?

Oh shit. Sing it, Saratiana. What? Wiggle fun for Joey, Sarah. Give a little love, baby. What? She will probably leave That's it

Suck it That's it Flick it You filthy fucking animal It's Wednesday night What are you gonna do? Sit there Tuesday night What are you to do?

Sit there once dancing with stars like a fucking mutt Get your shit together Motherfucker Sarah Tiana in the house The Flying Jew What's up baby? I'm already fucked up

That's the fucking goal That's the process That's the result I was telling you before Sarah got here That you've only seen me Other than once, I think, with Steve Simone, you've seen me. I've always been fucked up. She ain't judging nobody.

I'm not judging you. Sarat, I don't give two friends. No, but we saw you at the store, and you thought I was too nervous to come say hello, but I was just fucked up, and we were by the car. And you were like, oh, he's just nervous. I'm like, I'm fucked up. Are you sure you weren't just nervous and fucked up? That might be what happened.

Look at Lee. There's a little blue shirt on. What did you get that shirt from? Old Navy. Looking short. Look at you. Big spender. Oh, shit.

New Jew. Listen, man. Fucking Old Navy, it scratches the itch. I don't want to buy all new clothes in the middle of losing weight, but I need some new shit because the old stuff just, it looks ridiculous when I wear it. It's crazy. How many times they used to be an Old Navy down by Coconut Grove.

When I do the improv, I go right to fucking Old Navy, because they sold that shit for dirt cheap because it's Miami. You can only wear that in Miami for a month. Yeah. So you go down. and I'm like, that's Michigan wear. That's fucking Midwest wear for me. Busted. I go on there and buy a whole wardrobe

for 1850. Yeah. Fuck it. Yeah. It's like three undershirts for five dollars. Marshalls, all those places across the country, especially when you're in Texas. If you're a fat motherfucker, just hold off on clothing. Just wait until you go to Texas. There's a 2X, there's a 9x everywhere else.

You understand me? They make those Texas people feel nice about themselves. Oh my God, I just got back from Texas. I love it. It was my first time to Austin. It was so amazing. I've never been to Austin. I was like in love the whole time.

I was with Russell Peters, so we played Austin City Limits. Oh my God. Oh, my God. How many seats? $2,500, I think. You could still smell the music. Yeah, I mean, it's like Willie Nelson. It was the first person to play there.

So it's like, and I'm like, you know, country girl. Like I grew up on like 80s country. So like Willie Nelson and like Randy Travis and Ronnie Millsap and shit like that that I just like love. And like it's been my dream just to go to that. that venue, so to be able to perform there was like... He still smell Stevie Ray Vaughn. He was living in there for a fucking while.

Really? I guess that's Stephen Ray Vaughn live from Austin City Limits. That's one of the big albums. And do you get into that too, Joey? Like excited for playing a specific venue or... Even if it's not a music venue, but just like a cool old comedy club for the first time? I guess for a minute, I guess. Yeah.

Some of the thing wears off after a few times on you play. But every time I'm there, I always remember why I'm there. It might not be Thursday night. It might not be Friday night. But by Saturday, the second show, I realized why I'm there. And the last time I was here, I kind of bombed the first show on Saturday. This time I did well, you know. You look at who performed there.

When I first walked into the store, I was in awe. You know, just being on that carpet, that original room, that little space. Yeah. That little space. Oh, my God. I've died there and lived there. that was like the first time I went to the condo at the comedy store down in La Jolla and like that was before they redid it

you did it you know they redid it recently so like all the furniture kind of made you itch and it was like wicker and I was like yeah but that might have been his fault this is also you know like Kinnison probably passed out on this couch so it's okay I'll take those kudis I saw some weird shit in that fucking condo that was like I saw a rat in there oh I saw a rat in there that was fucking so big I just put the clothes back Did you see one there? I'm going to tell you another story.

I saw a rat in there that was so fucking big. Then I seen his cousin outside in front of the fucking joint. But the best was when I was past. I everybody was doing blow. Noah Gonzalez, a bunch of us were down there. And I opened up. They had the headliner room.

I opened it up. And there was a chick face down. Completely fucking naked. Leg spread. And when I walked by her. Like Christmas morning. It's a gift. Oh, my God.

But there was other guys and other women in the room. There was like two chicks and like three guys. But they were like the guys that worked at the bar. What? Like the guys that worked at the La Jolla Comedy Store. Oh, wow. And the chick was just laying and I just left. I was like, that's fucking amazing.

What's come of my life? Yeah, I don't see that anymore. It's just dirt and filth. But like I remember one time before they renovated it, I had brought like food and I opened up the microwave to heat it up. And all of these flies and maggots flew out. somebody had left something in there that literally

turned from maggots to flies to like every you know, like it had been in there a while The fucking vultures came out Yeah I was like no on the store They'll try to clean this They won't just buy a new microwave You have no fucking ideally

I'm like you're they gonna make You know clean this Those couches but When you're a comic And you first go to La Jolla You made it Oh yeah The first time you go to La Jolla

You overlook everything The dirty tubs. They used to be a room in Milwaukee. It's still there. Whatever the fuck it is. The comedy club in Milwaukee. It was owned by a biker. He was the VP of the fucking club.

And whatever they did, who knows. He had a stroke, but he was huge. This guy was 6-6-400. And on Thursday night, it was mandatory that all the comics and him went out to this place. They closed a restaurant just for you. And their specialty was prime rib. and you ate prime rib

until he came out of your fucking eyeballs on it. And then on Saturday, no matter what the weather was, he cooked outside. It could be, it's more Milwaukee guys. Whoa. Green Bay Packers, snow. He grilled outside, steaks, and you could buy into whatever he'd cook

like the people who were coming to the show. But the condo was so disgusting. The tub was fucking, the furniture, they had a water bed in the bedliner's room. from the 70s. Still the same water probably. And it just shook. And I slept on it for one night and I couldn't.

I couldn't. I was like no fucking way. Who knows? But when you first go and you're on the road, you're overlooked that show. You're like, this is being a comic, you know? Worst condo ever. Chilku Charlie's Alaska.

Oh, in Alaska. The windows were broken so they just put tape and cardboard all of them. The room I was in. was a third of this room. It was a bed. When they showed me the room, the sheets, it was like somebody slept in there the night before,

and the sheets were like sideways on them. Like they just got up in a rush or something. Oh, Lee, you don't fucking know. It's better. I just stayed up there, like, last year. And how was the conduct? It was like a triplex, though. It was like a house this time.

Was it across the street? It was down the street. Okay, this was, and how old was it? Was it clean? I mean, it was pretty clean. They still do comedy and chokoochoo chanis? Yeah. I was just there like a year ago.

Who books it? Stan Hope's buddy. Dave, right? I don't remember his name. He hasn't booked me again. I sent fucking Lee up there. Joke-co-Charlie's. Yeah, it was fun.

I mean, they gave me a car. They gave me like this old beat-up SUV. But it felt great. I felt like I was in the country again. It was really hard to close the door. Like you had to slam it like a bunch and I was afraid I was going to get locked in there. and like sometimes the gas pedal stuck.

I was like, growing up, the cars I had to drive growing up, you know. Oh my God, I was there in 95 opening up for Todd Jordan. Wow. And I took biggest mistake of my life. I took the stripper with me. It was four days of fucking hell. Oh, in Alaska, yeah. It's already boring.

It was four days of hell to bring this girl with me. I'm surprised you did that. Because I was stupid. I didn't know. At that age, I didn't know. I was an open micer. I was just starting to feel. teacher. And I said, let me bring her up there. She was a stripper to the end. She's still stripping.

No. Yeah, she's still stripping 20 years later. She works as a psychologist and she strips. I spoke to her last week on the waiter somewhere. The boyfriend she had, because she was engaged, he went to jail. He just got out Friday because she posted a picture on Facebook. I mean, this chick, this poor girl is the kiss. She does psychiatry and she's a stripper. Two, three. She can't stop. So she can give herself her own help. She's a millionaire. No.

Yeah, and the place she works at, it's hand jobs for, blow jobs for 100, and she'll fuck you for 200. She still does that? Still does it. Wow. I know it off the books. She said it to me, you know, yeah, she's crazy. This chick is fucking crazy.

That's sticking true to your roots. I remember when I first started dating, when she came home, she goes, some guy offered me $60 to suck my asshole to lick my asshole. And I go, did you take it? And she goes, no, because he was a truck, and he had coffee bread. When somebody's liquor, that's how. how fucking demented she was, guys. But anyway.

I love it. Across the street from Chilko was a fish store. Mm-hmm. They had the halibut. And they grilled this halibut, and a bunch of bodybuilders were going there. Mm-hmm. And I remember going in,

and a piece of fish was fucking off the charts. Leominie, peppery, really. Is it still there? Do you remember? No, there wasn't any, like, it was really hard for me to find a good restaurant up there. Really? Yeah.

And I ended up finding, like, kind of like this organic place that like made their own stuff. So it was a little bit better. But like everything was just like tater tots and fried pickles and stuff like that, which is delicious. I can eat that for a couple days, but not at seven, you know. Any like whole, like good, you know. And you're in Alaska, you're like, I want salmon and halibut, like all the good fish from here.

Was it freezing? No, I was there in, I think, October. And there's not. I just thought in Alaska there was just no. All the way around? No, no, no, no, not at all. Okay. No, I went for a hike on that mountain mountain.

It's called like a flat top mountain. It's like a two-hour hike. It was beautiful. You go see the whole town. And then I went to a park and like looked for moose because there were like moose droppings everywhere. It was weird. I went to like some reservoir where there were bears.

How long was the week up there? It was five or six days, I think. Wow. It was a while. But, you know, they only do it for like a third of the year because it's dark for part of the time. And then the rest of the time is summer and nobody goes out. Nobody goes to see comedy when it's nice out because they only have like a couple months of like really great weather. So it's hard to get people to come to a show.

I was a long fucking time. Yeah, they still do it. Yeah. I feel like maybe the location might be different too. But maybe not. Really, they moved to Chilchalachal? I mean, I don't know. It's a huge place.

Do you remember? Yeah. There was another place. I remember playing there. Do you remember Darwin Hines? He was a comic at the comedy store. Definitely when you were there, like before the, you know. I remember the name.

Old black guy, and he had a joke about Pope Benedict. He was like, Pope Benedict, wait, you ain't no omelet motherfucker. And we used to crack up because, like, that makes no sense. But it was so funny, just the way he said it. And he took me up there the first time. And it was another club that. It was like downtown. And it was like in the basement of this bar.

And because there were two at the time. There was Coots, and then there was another one. And they still do Coots, but they don't do the other one. They do two in Anchorage, and there was one in the other town. You would shoot downtown, a little propeller plan. Oh, yeah. No, I did not take a propeller plan. I forget what I ever is.

No, I wouldn't take it. If I got roofied there the first time, I was okay. And nothing bad happened to me. I'll just say that before I finish. the story. But yeah, I could tell because I, because the owner would take us out to dinner every night and I had a big dinner and then I had like half a drink and I couldn't walk. And then I realized it. So, and they'd said, you know, to be careful, you know, because it's a big problem up there. And, you know, they're like 13 men to one woman. And that's what they say about Alaska.

The odds are good, but the goods are odd. That's like they're saying up there. And it's true. But I think it was a girl that didn't. it to me. I bet. Yeah, because I remember I went to my hotel room and it was really hard for me to get my contacts at. I remember that. And I remember laying down and I woke up in my clothes the next day and my boyfriend, Aaron

Cater, at the time, like, called me. I was like, how do you have this number? He's like, you called me four times last night just telling me crazy stories. And I had no recollection. To this day, I have no recollect, which is the weirdest thing. Like, that's the weirdest part about like something like that happening to you. like not having a memory is crazy. Have you been roofing before?

That was the only time. And to this day it's the only time. But, you know, when I think about like all this Cosby shit and stuff going down and I'm just like, it's like the scare. And like nothing bad even happened to me except that to like I don't have that. I've lost all of that memory, like that chunk of a night when apparently I was making phone calls and, you know, like who knows what else I did? Like I probably was so fucked up. I watched like an Adam Sandler movie or something crazy.

I'm just horrible. I'll tell you what I'm just fucking nuts that I just read the last accusation of this fucking savage. From 1969 or whatever? Whatever. The lady that was the publicist. And he was friends. He introduced him to the wife and he would go to that house to watch movies or something, that latest one. She woke up and he had a robe on and stuff.

But it was too early because, uh, nobody really knew about date, Ray. Right. I got to tell you something. I sat there for about seven minutes. Just listen, because I had the earphones on, listen to music while I was reading it. And I thought of all the fucking creepy shit I've done.

All the creepy shit I've done, you know. I've never wanted to do something like that. Like, it was never in my, if you can't get a piece of pussy straight up, then don't get it. That's it. You ask them? You end or you're that?

You get a little creepy. You push a little bit. Let's do a little cocktail. If he says, no, that's it. That's the, you know, that's the way I, that's the way I, that's what I thought. You know, to be a chick, I used to get drunk because I knew if I'd get a drunk, I'd give her a stabbing. But then she kept hanging out with me, so nobody's feelings got hurt. You know what I'm saying?

She's like getting drunk with Uncle Joey. But when you give, like when you trick somebody and fuck them when they're passed out. Yeah. Like, think about it. You're fucking somebody when they're passed out. that's a complete different. That's a whole different. Fobia, sickness.

What do they call that? Well, that's like an addiction. Yeah, yeah. It's like fucking a cadaver. Like people build up fucking cadavers. So what did he do? Do you take pictures of these women? This guy, how do I feel about it?

That's what he was into. I think it was a power thing. Was it anybody else that, you know, is he the only guy that's ever done this? I mean, no. But this guy is just, and for years he's walked around with no conscience.

Right. And it's just a, and he's laid his judgment. On others. On others. Lots of others. And a heavy fucking way. Yeah. And to,

and to just think of what he did in a minute way, that he drugged a woman, he got their trust or whatever the fuck he did. And yeah, maybe the girls are playing with fire, too. I always think, like, what are they doing in the room? I mean, I was raised under different things, Saratian. Yeah. I was raised that if I'm dating Saratiana, and I get up to go to the bathroom, at least it's next to Sarah.

It's job to say, hey, dog. Get the fuck up. Now people chit-chat. Everybody wants to be your fucking friend. So, you know, you got a boyfriend? What the fuck are you doing with, hang out with Joe Diaz at 2 in the morning. Come on. Right.

Yeah. We're friends. What the fuck? Everybody wants to be fucking friends. Then when people get smacked, we were just friends. What the fuck? So I was raised that there's boundaries. You see your friend's girlfriend out.

You wave. You have to say nothing or go up, hug him. Where's your boy? Oh, he's working. I'll give you a right. Why are you putting yourself there? You just wave. from a distance, that's how I was raised

and you eliminate all the fucking riff rap. But, you know, a girl's got a husband, you know the guy's got a wife, he's a movie store, you move to L.A. The guy calls you and says, meet you in a restaurant, he wants to talk about your career. We don't know better, right? I mean, you don't know better.

I think a lot of things, most of these girls were between 15 and 19. So I think you're really naive, yeah. So I think you're really naive to a lot of the situation that you're getting into. And you'd go, oh, this is that sweet guy from TV. Like, you don't think that he's going to do something horrible to you.

It's like Mr. Rogers, you know. But he wasn't Mr. Rogers in 1969. He was a fucking comic that was on Ice Spy or some fucking TV show. Yeah, it was the first show. Even then. Yeah, I mean, most of these are from the 80s, though, right? Most of these allegations are from the 80s. Is it the 80s?

I know it was 1969. The last one that came out was 69. But, yeah, it was all through the 80s, probably. just until he couldn't fuck anymore if you think about it. Well, I think that what I'm more disturbed about is I think that there are a lot more people that knew about it. Definitely other comics. Like, and definitely his wife.

Well, his wife moved back to Boston to get away from him. When? Just now? Well, no. Like, when they were, because they moved out here. I read one of the first articles that said they moved out here and then she didn't like the way he was acting. So they, she moved with the kids back to Boston and he would go back and forth.

Yeah. I mean, I feel like you're, you're, your hand. is on the coffee cup your fingerprints are on there too if you knew about it and didn't say anything i mean you're guilt you know what i mean like it's it's and my my for almost always my first uh instinct is to say well maybe these people are just trying to get money and it doesn't even have to be right but any kind of situation like this but now that there's like 20 or 30 oh yeah it just i think it's for me it's me hanging on to the cosby show mr cosby who that everyone loves and it's You don't want to think that they're doing that.

No, you don't want to think that, but that's usually the people that are the most fucked up or the people that are, like, live in this, like, straight-edge life, you know what I mean? Like, not being honest and forefront all the time, you know? I mean, who's going to be, like, my addiction is to fuck girls that are asleep? I think somebody's going to talk about that. I mean, when I was fucking crazy and I was doing drugs.

And, you know, I've heard of a thousand drug stories. I was never a pill guy. I was a Coke guy, so you were always awake. I was hoping you'd fucking fall asleep. You're always fucking awake, you know. But I was thinking about one night, I gave a girl aspirin. I told her it was coke. I crushed up aspirin, and she was fucked up on the aspirin guys.

It was this whole mental thing. I was at this thing, and this girl was annoying. She kept saying, I know you have cocaine. I know you have cocaine. I know you have cocaine. I go, hold on one second. And I crushed up a fucking bare aspirin. And I put it in aluminum foil.

And I made like a big scene. I just got this from Noriega. Don't tell nobody. And I put it out and she snorted it. And all of some guys, she started fucking jawing and her hip started. It was the wildest thing. I fucked around. I've done that shit.

Yeah. But I don't know. I just don't get. She's passed the fuck out. How much fun could that fucking be? And it can't, I don't think it has to be a sex thing because probably if he'll cause me or he could get really anybody. That's the problem.

The problem is, I think, the, the addiction. is that he can get anybody, that's not what he wants. He wants somebody that doesn't know what he's doing. Who knows what he's doing to them while they're asleep? You know what I mean? He could have all these other. So, like, the only way he can get off is, like, some certain, like, rubbing his dick on your face or something.

Like, who knows what it is? And maybe he just doesn't want to have to deal with telling somebody that, so he gets them to go to sleep and then does whatever he does. I read the one way he gave the girl. The girl said she had a headache. Mm-hmm. And he gave her the pill, but he didn't rape her, but she got out of there before it happened or something like that.

But she realized that nobody would ever believe her. Who walks around with these fucking pills? Somebody's got to have a record of these pills. He's got to be a doctor. You know, he was at a party one night. Well, are they prescriptions? The Spanish fly bit, too, right? Yeah.

But listen, the Spanish wine was something you bought out of a fucking magazine in the 70s, all right? And like I said One time me and my buddies bought it And we didn't know who to give it to this We gave it to one of the guy's grandmother Isn't a fucking joke What is it though? It's supposed to get you horned up

We used to put it in a girl's drink It was a capsule And you open up the capsule And he makes a girl Like ecstasy Yeah but it was sold But okay so This is let's say

Where do you get this stuff You know when guys get together At those creepy fucking alleywood parties And there was always that one guy That's like oh my God You want to get laid give this to a chick, you'll fuck her all night. You know, when I was growing up, it was quailudes.

So as a girl did a quailud. I never zapped a girl with a quailute. I always asked the girl, do you want to do a half a lude? And they'd look at you, and then you'd say, you know what's going to happen. And they'd giggle, because they'd call them leg spreaders. But that only happened to me like two times. A little girl took one and you took them home, and everybody was copacetic on the fucking morning. That was something that was consensual, right?

because you were partying, everybody was doing coke. You asked her if she wanted it. She said, yes. You want a half a biscuit. But I tell you, Sarah, you do this half a biscuit, they call them leg spreaders for fucking a reason. That's what they call them. But where the fuck did you get those things?

The leg spreaders? No, no. He's talking about roofies. Yeah, I don't know where you even get those. I mean, that's definitely. I used to get them in Boulder. When I lived in Boulder, a friend of mine used to get them. They were aluminum foil, whatever they called,

Rufanol. I was eating them myself. I was splitting them, eating them, and going to parties, and doing a couple bumps. Why were you taking roofing all? Because it was a down. It was a party. They're not bad.

You're not going to black out unless you fucking... You're not. You get gum beat up. But you also were doing Coke. I wasn't... Yeah, I wasn't three fucking hundred pounds then. This is when I was... But you do a roofie with Coke.

That's different. Right? No, I was really fucking poor then. And the roofies are like four bucks. five bucks and my friend had a neon shop and it's coming to me and I would get the roofies up there and they came in aluminum foil and I popped a few of them

and then once I went to a barbecue and the host's daughter was like what's going on? What he got for the head? I go all I got a roofie and we each ate a roofie and got a gram a blow and we ended up on the house but we didn't fuck we passed out swap and spit us on it. I never heard of people taking roofies themselves I always I always thought

no you can eat those fucking things Oh, Jesus. Yeah. And I also heard of a pill called the Paris Blues. Okay. I took one night in the 80s. I always get educated on the church. Let me tell you something.

Like, I don't know anything about this kind of thing. When I was a senior in high school, I was friends with this guy. He was the driver ed teacher in high school. And he was also one of the football coaches and the right back. And I really liked him. He was there for me after my mother died. The Cadillac Company, The Cadillac company gave him two Cadillacs with pedals on both sides.

He would take you out to lunch. You could just sign up for 945 with Mr. McGrath, and you could talk Mr. McGrath and then you had. So me and all my buddies, bro, sign up for 945. Sign up for 945. We'd all corner Mr. McGrath, and we'd make them first take us to Chan's dragging in. And then we'd, Mr. McGrath, pull over at the liquor store. Are you fucking guys kidding me?

Come on, Mr. Grav, pull over to liquor store. So we make Ms. Nograv pull over to the liquor store. We buy an eight pack of nips. The six ounce beers, there's six ounce, and they ate to a thing, so you could drink those real fast. So we'd go to Chan's, get a steak on a stick. I would drive on the way to Chan's for driver. You actually get it in?

Yeah, when you were 16 and a half, you drove to Chan's. Oh, as a student first? And then we switch drivers, and we go to a liquor store, and then switch drivers again. Then go someplace close to the school, and then put McGrath in the driver's seat. We'd pop the eight bars. beers and go back to the high school. This is fucking crazy. I'm telling this story right. So this went on with Mr. McGrath was a cool motherfucker. I love Mr. McGrath. So this went on throughout our

junior year and senior year. One time in the car, we were in Union City, we were at this plate. There was a Carvel. You know the Carvel is? It's a tremendous ice cream place. Oh, the Carvel ice cream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next to it was a bar called the bottom of the barrel. Okay. That sounds like a fancy place. It was huge. This place was huge. Two floors. It was a mafia place. That if you read Henry Hill's book, that's where Henry Hill hung out. A lot of the Gambino's hung out there in Jersey on the Jersey side.

So me and Mr. McGrath were driving. I'm like, Mr. McGrath, I got to show you something. And I whipped out a double barrel shotgun. In those days, a double barrel shotgun was a thing you put in your nose, had two barrels, and then it turned into one, like a straw, and I had a spoon at the end, and you would scoop up blow, and just go, and do it. So we're in the car.

I'm a fucking senior. It's like November of 81. And I'm in the car and he's driving. And the car starts stalling, right? And I'm like, Mr. McGrath, watch this. And he smoked camel cigarettes, non-filter. Oh, wow. So his fingers were orange.

Yeah. And he had a mustache and it was orange. So I used to call him camel breath and he would lose his mind, right? And I remember doing the double barrel shotgun right in front of him. And he's like, what the fuck? you doing? I got 10 years. And that was it. We never discussed drugs again. He was pissed at me for a while. And the day I graduated, I graduated like on a Thursday. Once I was officially out of school one day, we were having a conversation. We bought Blow. That's what happened. We stole Blow, and I told him I had it. And he came over with another teacher, Mr. Terranope. He saved my life a year later.

And Mr. T came home. I was like, 2 o'clock Jones. And they're like, so we hear you hit the mother load. Well, what we don't get on? I go, here's a gram. And then Mr. T goes, let me get another gram. Come by the school on Friday, and I'll pay you. He was teaching summer school. This is fucking tremendous, right? Oh, my God, this is all coming to you. This is like a Tuesday. I give Mr. McGrath to fucking blow.

I call T. And I go, Mr. T, do you have that $60? And he goes, call George. So I call Mr. McGrath. And Mr. McGrath, they have the $60. He goes, come over. So I go to Mrs. McGrath's house. He walked up the stairs.

He's a little... Have you been to his house before? Maybe, maybe not At this point I go to his house It's June of 82 I woke up the fucking stairs He goes come on

Come into my room Now I'm feeling a little fucked up I'm coming to my bedroom When he goes Locked the door He locked the door He goes in his closet And he takes a box

And he takes another box Takes a mirror down One of those pimper mirrors And it's got coke on it And he goes you think that shit You gave me the other night It was coke and taste this shit And he puts the mirror down

I'm looking at him Where the fuck did you get this? I'm blasted. I'm fucked up. And he starts taking those hat boxes. He's taking them, opening them up, and taking out bags of blow. And he goes, do you know what I've been doing for the last three years, you fucking idiot? I deliver a Coke for people who don't want Spicks around.

Hysterical. So let's say you're white and you're a dentist. You don't want a Spanish person delivering cocaine that would call him. He would deliver the blow with a suit on. Hey, he's a real estate guy. Hey, how are you doing? Because he looked good. He was a built guy.

You could pass him as a school teacher. coach, whatever. So that became our relationship for about, that was it. We were just tight. Me and the Cam, when I would go to this house, Mr. McGrath, give me an eight ball, I'll give you the money tomorrow. I owed this guy close to $1,800 fucking dollars.

And one night he goes, all right, you got to make deliveries with me. So he took me to a party. It was like a very fancy, like people drinking wine. I hadn't ever seen that before. Wine? I had like a wine to laugh. I hung out of the bar where people drank fucking,

like people drank wine. that little fucking glass. These motherfuckers were sniffing it and eating grapes and shit. Oh, my. So he gave the Coke to this fucking lady, and the lady gave him this little, in those days, there was his little manila envelopes.

And then the manila envelope was two pills. Oh. And I go, what are these? And he goes, here, take these. He goes, take them when you're fucked up. I'm blow, but only take a half of them. And I go, what are? And he goes, they call them Paris Blues

on the street. That's what these fucking. and people eat, they don't eat quailas, they go a little level above. Oh, and you know me. These are the wine drinkers with the Paris Blues. Oh, that sounds so beautiful. You understand me? They were eating Paris Blues.

They weren't drinking it at the bottom of the barrel bar. Fucking tremendous. Oh, my God. So we went and I ate the whole fucking Paris Blue. No. Fucked up. I woke up on somebody's couch and I'm like, what happened?

Oh, you don't know? And then I robbed a gas station with lubs. He met lube, right? This is still going on. This is the summer. Same night? No, maybe about three weeks later. My tab was up to about 1,800.

I got them for like six, eight balls at 300. And I caught. We had robbed this gas station because my buddy worked there, and there was an inside job, so it was perfect. We robbed them. We counted the fucking money, and there was a bag, a brown bag, and it was filled with dollar bills. If you looked at it, and I go, sorry, what's in here? You'd go 10,000. Perfect.

Call Mr. McGrath. We called Mr. McGrath. We call Mr. McGrath. You got any Coke? I got nothing. Fuck it. You're shut down. Don't call me until you have my 1800.

I got your 1800. And then some cock sucker. Be on your corner with an eight ball and five minutes. I remember pulling up. He's outside all nervous. We just gave him the bag. He looked at it.

He was, where did you guys get this? Don't ask. And we gave him 10. We also robbed those booklets to get into New York City without money. The ones that you gave the toll because it was the last gas station in Jersey. So they had thousands of those things.

Those things were 50 bucks a piece. We were pimping them out for 20 bucks. after a while. We gave the camel two of them. He was all excited. But an hour late, I called him back. Mr. McGrath,

how was that? Fuck you! There was only $300 in there because there was 300 singles. But it looked like a fucking, you know. Right. Who gives a fuck? What's I said?

I just want to take you through a metal one. So the Paris Blues, like what was the difference in like that? You said it was like fancier than a Quayle? It was a, I used to eat all those crazy things at least one time. I don't even know what a Quailud would do to you. Oh.

So I don't even know I'm asking the question. Like, what's the difference? Like you drink a vodka? You like, what do you like? I like whiskey or bourbon. Okay, so you do a little bourbon to open up something light with ice to cut the first one. Then you pop a half of lute just to get the party started. Get a little loose.

Your shoulders get loose. You start hugging people. Hi, how are you? You know what I'm saying? And you pop another one. Then you fucking eliminate the ice cube and you go deep. A Quaylood was like, they were all in the sleeping pills. family.

I see. It's how much you drink before you pass the fuck out. Okay. But I had a friend. His name was the Lopez's. The Lopez's? The Lopez's. One guy?

There was a couple brothers in the system. You're like I had a friend. His name was the Lopez's. They were crazy. They used to shoot people at night with fucking BB guns and shit. They would drive around. They were kind of crazy. People, and they didn't like me.

They didn't like me later on, but they had to do business with me. I had robbed. Why? Did they garden for you? No, I had robbed a friend of theirs. one time, a Coke from a friend of theirs who, it was kind of their coke, but they couldn't prove it. So after that, they really didn't like me,

but they couldn't do anything about it because they didn't have proof. But their mother was dying of cancer. This is the most fucked up story ever. Their mother was dying of cancer. Oh, this is the most of the story that you're going to tell today? She was like level five dying of cancer. Like, there's four, then there's five. So they were sending the tumult.

Tuminals were these fucking things that were, you know, cousins to like heroin and fucking explosives put together. So funny. The way you described drugs is like the way I described the menu at a cracker barrel. I'm like, you got to try this. You got to try this. And me and this kid, Mike Kishka, we used to call him Toomey because he ate tumenols. Okay.

So that was his nickname. Not because he sold luggage. No, his real name was Mike Kishka, but I used to call him Toomey because he just eat tumenols. And the initials on a tumult, like when you look at a pill, they always say something. And this pill, it was. F-66. What are you fucking nuts so? So people just look at you and go,

we're going to take an F-66. That meant you were going down. Hold on. Let me make a call. Let me let people. I'm going to be gone for a few days and shit. So you just like hibernate. Like you just fall asleep.

I knew how to eat those things. I would always eat half. Have a few poop-bob vokkas. Because in those days, I couldn't switch the, swing the Wolfschmidt. That's when you know you're pimping big. Woolsmith's big vodka was big when I was younger. Now it's fucking grape flavored, fucking cattle and all that shit.

But P-O-P-O-V is the shit that you drank on the street. Pop-off. You poop off. You drank it with a gatorade like a motherfucker. Whatley. Gatorade. With a fucking gorilla biscuit. Stop it.

I still can't drink vodka because of high school. Really? It's gross. It doesn't really have a taste, but that like gasoline, like plastic jug vodka that you're talking about, it's disgusting. I used to have a friend that would drink vodka straight and call it cough medicine. Oh. From under the car, he would pull the bottle out.

Yeah, it's like that movie leaving Las Vegas, like when he would just drink, like, just chug the bottle. And it would like, it, like, harmed me just that movie, just like that alcoholism, like, where you're just like, oh, my God. Like, I don't know. I was. I'm going to make a fucked up statement. Oh. I don't like drinking. Okay.

But when I used to drink, I used to drink. Like, I could drink. Like, I could really drink with a couple lines in me. I'll fucking take you down. I remember walking into a compajal. And was it always alcohol? Like, like a hard liquor or was it beer or whatever? I was never a beer guy, but once you were in the bag of blow, you drink fucking, you know, paint.

You're just thirsty. Yeah, you've got to kill that dehydration. So I liked, I went through phases. Like as a kid I got really sick and I never drank again Once you get to high school you got you're forced to drink Peer pressure like social activities So I would drink beer We went to different high schools just saying

I would drink bud nips I always like bud wiser nips For me to like beer it had to be real fucking cold And we used to rob beer trucks So I got forced to drink fucking warm beer And that's the fucking worst I didn't like wine If I had a drink I went through all the phases

Like when I was young and I was eating Gorilla biscuits, yeah, quailutes, I would drop the fucking vodka and the orange juice of the vodka gatorade of the vodka lemonade. Then I went to Southern Comfort and got really sick on New Year's Eve and that was I don't like Southern Comfort. And then I went to something that I still love today, but I'm scared to drink because I like to taste so much. Doers, Doers on the Rocks opened up a complete fucking different door for me of alcohol.

It went from not liking alcohol to now. enjoying a fucking dude. I just got into the doors. And don't touch that fucking ice cube because I will smack you in the fucking face. Get a shot and put it next to me right there. And then bring me another drink, another glass with just three ice cubes,

and I'll fucking mix them up on my own time. All right? There's a mixture I got in there, right? Yeah. And then to kill the Coke without pills, you've got to do rusty nails, drambouy and scotch. Bambam!

And that's a headache and a fucking half. Then there's another thing I used to drink. 43 and something else mix. And people will look at me and go, what are you fucking kidding me? 43, what's that? It's a liqueur. Oh.

And I used to drink. And that way, Grand Monnier, there was something that you had to, I forget the name of it now. And then I would get smooth. I like Irish cream on the rocks. I like Emmett's and orange juice, which is Irish cream, but it doesn't.

Irish cream, if you put Irish cream and orange juice, it'll conogulate. the fuck that word is. Curdle. Curdle. That's the word. But if you put Emmetts, it don't curdle.

Oh, interesting. So during the week, I would take the Quailu and just drink Emmett. It's just to trick you to let you think I was going down, but I was watching the cock sucker. I was watching the cock sucker.

I was watching the cock-sucker. You know what I'm saying? I would trick your motherfucker-ass. Yeah. What? Fuck you, the cuck sucker. Oh, my God.

It's so funny how our experience of the 80s was totally different. or high school, you know what I mean? Like, I, like, didn't even drink until my senior year. Like, I just, like, never. I was, like, I was in, like, one of those groups that was, like, the just say no groups. And we would travel all over Georgia and, like, singing and dancing about not doing drugs. And then I was, like, this is stupid.

I don't want to be this person. And then I started just drinking. I was part of, like, six groups, and we said yes to everything. We said fucking yes, Dad. When I was 16, 17. It seems like more fun stories, you know. There was his kid's name was Joe Lucci. He lives in Orlando, Florida.

How do you remember all these people's names? I don't even know how you do that. This motherfucker would have parties that were tremendous. He had parties before big concerts. He's the one that if you were going to Sabbath, Ted Nugent, Judas Priest, you knew to go to his house at 5 that it was on. Right. And one time we were going to a concert,

I had a little violet cocaine with a spoon on it. I popped the quail and I went down It was so excited about the concert I started down in those fucking nips I woke up like at 4 I had gone to the concert and let me in the backyard But the girl upstairs saw me

And she fucking called like the cops on me She said that I was OD in back there Because I got up and puked out I really did OD kind of that night I drank too many beers in the rush I get all fucking rushed up in those days The alcohol with it in me What are you gonna fucking do?

Yeah what are you gonna do Those years for me like 16 to 18 I was looking to blackout. My mom had passed. And I was, when I went out at night in those years, I went out to blackout. It wasn't the time I was like 18 when I was like Joey. That's it with the blackout. Two nights a week, you guys got to go out and be smooth.

I talk to people, but I would go out during the week to blackout. It wasn't to get laid. It wasn't to really, that was it. The guys I hung out with, I would have to call them every morning and go, what happened? Right. You know, I went out with 800 and a ring. I came home with three hours. IOUs, empty fucking pockets.

What happens? We went to White Castle, we went here, and it just, and then when I moved to Colorado was like the first time I stopped because I was getting sick from the alcohol. I would get sick at night. I could drink one drink or 50 drinks, and I get sick in my sleep, and that forced me to stop. So I didn't drink for years after that. That's what forced me to stop drinking. But when I was snorting, stop. I loved it. I loved cold Budweiser. I would get fucking two. Cases of cold, Budweiser in a can and alternate six-packs in the refrigerator

in the freezer. So by the time you got that sixth one, it went down like a fucking soldier leave. Like Coors. You ever drink Coors beer cold? I'm on your chin. It's nothing. Nothing. It's like you're drinking fucking water.

Yeah. I love cold beer. You love cold beer. You're going to drink beer. I drink it on ice sometimes. Like just like a soda. I can't do that. I never tried to. It goes down really fast. I used to paint bad tubs with this dude in 84, John Tizio,

and he used to make me go get a fucking eight-ounce budwisish, and he'd freeze him. He'd have a thing with ice, and he'd put him in there, and once he got the two beers, he'd force me down there, so he'd kept freezing him. There's nothing like cold beer. I don't drink beer no more. Last night I went for Italian food,

and I was thinking I getting the spicy muscles and shrimp, and I'd go, that's a good opportunity to slam a fucking beer down. The kid was there, so I changed my mind. I get embarrassed for her than two-year-old drinking. You see that kid? You remember that shit as a two-year-old. So I'm like, I drink a beer. I order a fucking beer.

And next thing you know, she's dancing at some club called Lulu's. I need that shit. Psychiatrist on the side. How is your daughter? Good? Yes. She's really good. I'm seeing the love between her and my wife.

I've had good things happen in my life and bad things happen in my life, and I've made good, I've done really good things. I always knew that Terry would be a good mom, and I'm seeing it before my eyes, how everything's changed. We went to lunch today. I met her later on.

I went to write today with Di Agostino, and I met her with Jersey motherfucking mice. I got my salad today. Half tuna, tub and a sub. He's better than me. 300 fucking calories, leafers. And I had a nice, a lot of onions, a lot of fucking tomato.

Bab boom. A lot of lettuce. Little vinegar oil. Light on the fucking oil, extra on the vinegar, heavy on the oregano, the crushed pepper. Give us a salad a whole different fucking patois. Who needs bread? That doesn't really sound like a salad.

Bread is for pussies. If, you know, if I would put cheese in there and shit, then it wouldn't have been a salad. It was a nice salad. The tuna salad is nice. Get half the tuna, though. But they've been too much mayo in? No, they don't.

Then you dilute it with the fucking lettuce. You diluted, you fucking mix it into the lettuce. That's the whole thing. Okay. You know what the fuck is wrong? I don't know. Are you guys like on a diet together? We're trying to be healthy.

Oh, okay. We're trying to represent. You know, I want to live. I'm thinking of having the gastric bypass, so. You are? I'm 50, you know, I'm sick and tired of fucking jumping up and down. I need a break. I need a jump.

If I get a jump, I can maintain. It's time for me to fucking move on. You're not big enough to get that, though, are you? Yeah. I'm 46 or something, 44 BPM. You got to be over 40 or something. Oh, interesting. Oh.

That seems like a, like that's an intense. I've been watching the fat shows on TSL. You ever watch those shows? The 600-pound-l-man. Yeah, we watched it a lot. I watched like the 900-pound black woman the other night. Oh, yeah. They fucking weight her.

She gained 100 pounds on the fucking diet. Yeah, well, because they're not doing the diet. They picked her up. They took six guys to pick her up. They put her on the scale. They tried to measure it to make sure the scale was working. She's sitting there going, I haven't eaten in a few years. Oh, shit.

She gained like 100. fucking pounds, they realized the neighbor was slipping her food through the window, like an animal, throwing turkey laser. Like, how do you get that bit? Like, because I know Ralphie Mae, like, at one point he lost 400 pounds, and he was still 400 pounds. I'm like, that's so great. Yeah. Like, how do you, like, that's like a condition, right?

Like, there's something wrong with, like, your body doesn't metastasides, like. Called laziness. Yeah, well, because, you know. No, it can't just like that. But it happens. It's called. It's called lazy. Because it happened so quickly when you start really getting weight.

Yeah, when you really start. I had it. I had it. It jumped up there. I was 4.18, my love. Yeah. I was 4.8. After the longest yard, I was 4, fucking 18.

You were probably like 50 pounds from just giving up and just going on. I remember the longest yard. Ask Ari next time you see him. The pastrami sandwich is Steve Simone. He's mentioned it. Steve Simone. They would ever come to the set. I was eaten.

Five of those. They soaked those things in butter. The bread was soaked. That's why they were so good. Because they toasted the bread on the grill with butter. Then they put this thick, fat pastrami with cheese melting and mustard. You know, are you fucking kidding me? Anybody who came on the set, I'd go get my friend of pastrami sandwich.

Yes, indeed, Mr. Diaz. And make him quickly. No, I would. No, I would. No, you would. But I got Steve Simona sandwich. I got fucking Aria pastrami sandwich. I don't fuck around dog.

I was eating five or six of those. That's not talking about three meals. Right. You know, New York Superfudge chunk and 16 sodas while I'm at the store. You know, because that was my killer. The fucking soda. The cans of Coke. That was it.

That's the Mac Daddy. That's the American killer. Everybody's blaming everything else. That's the main one. You pop a soda for breakfast. You're doomed. You're doomed. And how many Americans pop a fucking soda for breakfast?

How many motherfuckers? because pop, I did it for years. I couldn't imagine a breakfast without a fucking can of Coke, two or three. Couldn't fuck, fuck, orange juice. What I live in Florida? What the fuck? I live in fucking Florida or Georgia.

I'm big pimple in NYC and shit, eating buttered rolls and stuff. Regular Coke is my hangover cure. That's it. That's the only time I drink it. With pork fried rice with a fucking stop. It's so sweet, though. I had it for the first time in a couple months over the weekend.

I couldn't finish the first. glass. It's like it's way sweeter than I thought it was. Once you lay off Coke for a long minute. I can't. Really? I love. I like Diet Coke is sweet now for me. Oh okay. I like Diet Coke. But like if I have a hangover at just one Coca-Cola, I feel so much better. Cosby's back. Look at Cosby. She's just falling out the window right now with the fucking white robin and a prescription bottle and shit. Made out the Lee Syed. What are you not so what? Lee Syed. What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? You're sitting over there. They're all miserable.

I'm not miserable. Everything all right. He's looking tight. Look at you. You want to eat another half of stock. No, thank you. Mama's here. Let's do it.

Let me go deep tonight. Let mom have something to know. We're going to go deep tonight. That was the deal. We're going to see the devil and his cousin. He was trying to freak me out. I was here in between podcasts and he texted me like every five minutes. Call your mother.

Your ears are going to ring for the next couple days. Go give your girlfriend a hug. Bring you to roller skates. And I was just getting paranoid. He was so mean. I love this guy. I got a choice. I know.

I know. That's what you love about him. And now I look, listen, every night when I go out, if you're looking for me, go to the bar at the comedy club, and I'll be four feet away from the bar. And there'll be nobody at the bar,

and I'll just be staring at the bottles. That's what I do, Sarah, Tia. That's my habit. Staring at the bottle? I stare at every bottle, and I think of a story that has to do with every fucking bottle. Oh, my God.

Oh, Irish cream. I passed out the Chinese restaurant. You know? You know what was my to-go drink? I hung out of the bar when I was in high school. The bartender's name was Lila. And her specialty were

whiskey sows. Mm-hmm. And the other one. Whiskey sour and something else. Her vodka and orange juices. Her greyhounds were white. And there was a half-inch of the time.

That's how she made them. Three or four of those, you were fucking zombie. All her drinks. She ended up jumping off a roof with Lila. Of course she did. Fuck that bitch. She accused me to steal the first one night. I did steal it.

It was in the toilet hidden, but I didn't fucking, how would she know? You know what I'm saying? She worked at the bar, a bar? It was called Joe and Marries. It was owned by a lone shark named George. And she was the bartender named Lila. And she was a nice lady.

Did you work anywhere when you were in high? Was this in high school, you said? This is in high school. When I was in high school, my mom died. The first job I had was at a place called Rendell Lumber and Marine. The guy's name was Richie Werdeman. And I basically just went there to steal. Like I punched in to steal.

The kid who gave me the job said, oh, by the way, make sure you steal. Because if you don't, then don't know how much I was stealing. And he broke down the wood, the customers that were going to come in, you know, because they sold Marine Plywood, four by eight sheets, and it was galvanized for boats. So each sheet was $100.

So these guys were coming and saying, give me 10 sheets, I give me $500. Load the fucking trucks, timing. There was no cameras in those days. There was nothing. There was nothing. But the biggest hit I got in there was a guy that used to have a rare stamp and, like, coin thing.

He was the straightest looking motherfucker I ever saw him in my life. And I started talking to him with empty his waistbaskets. That was my job. And when he started talking about, and he told me his name, and I had grown up with one of his sons. I wasn't tight with his son. We knew each other like that.

Like, he was a big kid, but everybody said this kid's dad was a big mafia guy. So I would look at this guy, in my mind, I expected Marlon Brand up. and he was just a peony little Italian skinny guy with a big nose that would bring his own spaghetti and be very like, you know, frugal, but he always bought lunch for everybody.

He just did way out things. And I became tight when I'm in... One day I went to a... I was cleaning out where I lived downstairs that had these bureaus, and I was cleaning out the bureaus. They were going to throw out the beers, and there was a bunch of change in one of them.

And I emptied the fucking bureau in the bag, the change. And I took them to him to them, there were pennies and shit like that. And I gave him the bag, and I go, Boge, just look in there. I'll be back. I'm going to go work. And I came back at like three hours later. He goes, I got $500 for you cash.

I got another check for like $1,600. Come on, walk me to the bank, and I'll cash your $16 an dollar check. And I go, what are you talking about? I gave you a bag of pennies. He goes, two of the pennies with gold fucking collecters items, 800 a piece and something else. And I gave you the balance and whatever.

I'm like, oh, my God. What? So, and then I went home and looked into it. Like, I went to a different coin store the next day. And, yeah, he was right. That coin was worth money. And then another time. He gave it to you, the money to you?

He gave me the money. He gave me the $2,000. Wow. Can you imagine being 16, somebody giving you two grand when you just clean? All I did was help clean somebody's flea market, whatever the fuck they call. That one, they throw furniture wet. And he goes, keep whatever you want. There was changed.

I just put in a fucking baggie. And then I brought the house. And I brought him jewelry, and he was really cool about it. So he knew what I was cool. And then he would ask me, fucked up questions about things that were going on in town, and I'd answer him. But it was our little secret. I knew that what he was asking me, and when I was telling him, it was our little secret.

He just had that demeanor to him. And then he would ask me, do you need extra work? And I would say, yeah, at one, I'd need all right, meet me tomorrow and I'm six o'clock. I got some work for you for a couple hours. You work four or five hours. I'll pay you for eight. And when he just took me to this fucking construction site, and there was a wall. I never forget this.

There was a fucking wall made of brick, eight by ten construction brick, not the little brown brick, but the block brick. It has the holes in the middle, and you pick it up. And I go, what's up? When he goes, just stand there and wait there. I'll be back at 10 o'clock to pick you up. I just stood there until fucking 10 o'clock. He came back at 10. He came to like, I don't have a bill.

And he goes, where do you want to go? Let me buy your slice of piece. and he would just give me weird jobs like that, like just weird jobs. He just dug me. So he was just like trying to give you money as an excuse? Yeah, like he was just trying to give me money in his excuse. And he was also like a union delegate for like a construction company and shit. He was the real deal.

He was the real fucking deal. Do you remember for his name? Yeah, but I don't want to say that. He was a good guy. He was a, yeah. He was like this big time offy guy. In your mind, what I expected him to look like and what the guy looked like and what they said he was. was two different things.

The baby's God Dad also. Can you even write something down? No, no, no, no, no. But it's weird. I met one of his friends, and I remember growing up, and him going, be careful with his dad. Like, I was over there house for a barbecue. And we were fucking around, and I took a hot dog,

and we had goldfish, and we put the goldfish and the hot dog gave me to the dad. And the dad was, like, laughing. And the next day we told me, they were like, come here, don't mess with that, dude. I just got out of jail for killing like 14 motherfuckers. Like what? You put like live goldfish?

Yeah, we're doing that. Because people were actually eating the goldfish and the hot dog at the party. There's a goof. For a couple of years, I hung out, not for a couple years. Like a year, I hung out with this crew of guys that we were in high school.

They were football players. At the time I wasn't playing football. Like my junior year, I ran with them when I had the lung infection, and they were into eating stuff. They would go anywhere and just start. And they would eat anything. Like, they tried to eat a bite.

What are you talking about? They were talking about that there was a guy on David Letterman one night. They ate a bicycle. So they, so one night I went to a party, I'm not even kidding you about this. I went to a party. These guys had hammers on a table

when they were breaking glass and shit eating glass and like, you know, going, ah, so for Halloween when you, they wanted to win the Halloween contest. Of course. So wouldn't they? They went. Dressed up as garbage.

Okay. They went dressed up as garbage And they asked me, do you want to come? And I go, what the fuck? I'll absolutely go. So I went. We took metal garbage cans and plastic garbage cans, and we cut the bottom. And then we had the one kid's mother staple the front and staple the back

so we could put suspenders over him. Oh, nice. So actually we didn't have nothing. Then we took the metal garbage cans, the tops, and we took a brown paper bag, rolled it up, put it in our head, and then crazy glued that to the metal. So it wouldn't come off your head. And then we took strings and tied it around.

on the handle and we type live mice. No. Live? Live mice with their tails around the strings. These fucking mice are going back and forth. This is the craziest thing. And all of a sudden, they walk into the fucking thing and there's all these juniors dancers. You know, I want to hold your hand.

And at that time, we were getting fucked up. We were already doing drugs. So half the room was fucking on drugs. And these four guerrillas got on stage like that. And they're like dancing. And people are like, look at them. They have mice. And also at the same time, they picked up the fucking mice by the string. No.

And they each dipped it into their mouth and bit the mouse at the fucking tail. I will never forget that. I'm sitting there and shot. They ate the fucking mouths while it was alive. And I'll never forget the mice. They really wanted to win this content. Oh, my God. I never forget my friend Mike Runny, who called into the podcast.

I have Mike calling next week. He ate the mouse, and he was on stage, and he had blood. And he had the tail stuck to him. That's so gross. These guys were fucking nuts. That was the craziest couple of years. And these are the guys, that crew was the one that went on to become fag-baggers at the time. When they were down on Boulevardies, they were mugging, creepy guys that came off from New York.

Because I was like, I don't know what that. That sounds like. You know, guys get drunk. You know, like girls get drunk. Yeah. And they want action. guys get drunk. In the 70s, you didn't text nobody.

You couldn't text nobody for a piece of ass. There was no Google. There was no fucking, what's the other? The Nupian? What's the other place? Tinder. Okay. Tinda again.

So these guys from New York. And it's weird. In the Iceman book, he describes a story where he would go someplace at night where a bunch of like guys that were into a, you know, fucking guy. Like, they would get drunk. They weren't gay. They were creepy. They were like Bill Cosby

But they were going And pick up young guys and shit So these guys came up One night they were walking down there One night they went to a show in the city They were walking back And a car pulled up And he asked one of those guys

Hey can I suck your dick or whatever This kid pulled them out And they started fight So they figured out that they could go down there At night and mug these guys And they came up So they would mug the guys in the car That they asked

The guys who come over and go, hey, I'm looking to get my dicks up. I pull over. Go over there by that tree. And then you'd park the car. You'd walk over by the fucking tree. And my friend would goy, and he'd nail down to suck your dick. But there'd be three guys in tree in the tree.

All right. And they'd just come out of the tree and tackle you, smack you a couple times, and take your money. You're fucking classy. You used to use the better-looking guys as bait. Oh, yeah, yeah, Girard. My buddy Gerard was beautiful. An Italian kid, just beautiful.

Do you ever talk to these guys any? anymore? Like, you should have them on the podcast. We did. He calls him each one. He had like a weird schedule like every third Thursday. He has to call this one. Yeah, I talked to. Well, Gerard, I haven't talked to. He became a chiropractic. He's a big chef. Come on, Gerard. Gerard. Then there was another guy. I'd be so interested to, like, hear, like, you talk to these people from high school.

Well, there's one guy that called. He was crazy. We talked about mug of the hook at one time. He goes, you weren't there. On the podcast, he goes, you weren't there the second time when we threw out of the car. And she kept going, bab boom, bab boom, bab boom, boom. We were fucking dying. This was a different mindset. Oh, yeah.

These guys were guerrillas. But they were my family. They all I had. I had no family. I had no mother. I had no father. And these guys made sure my life went easy for me, and I couldn't. You know, for me, this craziness took my mind off the real pain I was going through.

Of course. Like, you really did at that time. This craziness was the only thing that could, and in the middle of, of all this, I'm selling mescaline acid. I'm going to East Troussburg State every Saturday and picking up 300 hits of mesculine. So all these nights, all these stories were all

laced with acid and mesclin and meeting people and going, you got a mesculine for sale? Yeah, give me three hits and all of some of them going, now, we're not going to eat it, we're going to smoke it. I remember smoking mesculum one night in a side street in New York City like we owned the fucking street. It wasn't bad enough if I already had two

hits in me and I was on fire, tripping. Like it was just the kid who fucking lift the hash with me that night, I'll never forget him. I'll never forget. His name is Gargulo. I see them throw fucking Pete Mancini through a window playing glass and grasshopper. They cut hair, grass on the corner of 70. It's still

fucking there. If you go to North Bergen tomorrow, go to Burger Land Avenue on the corner, I saw Vinny Gargulo throw fucking Pete Mancini. No, Johnny Avalon. He threw him right to the fucking plate glass window. The alarms went off. those are the fucking, who throws somebody through a plate glass fucking window? And the kid lived in their friends today. They're still friends.

They're both like five men in there. They go to barbecues together. This is how men deal with shit. We're friends now. Two times. I used to live in fucking mayhem. When did you realize that? Sarah and I had none of that happen at all

and you have like 27 of them. Now you know why. I don't tell a lot of this shit because it's just fucking crazy. Like any, One of those stories could be a book of my whole life. Like that would be like the biggest thing. So the school teacher, McGrath, the camel breath.

Yeah. We still all the money. But then he got deep. So I became his errand boy. So he would call me in the mornings and go. He would get too paranoid to leave the house. So he would call me and say, come to the house and take my car. There's $200 in the front seat and then ate ball a Coke.

Go to a liquor store. Buy me three bottles. Buy me a sandwich. Buy me a case of beer. And just leave it on the front seat. keep the money and keep the car keep the chains keep the coke I'll call you at the house

and leave your message what to do for me that was it I did that all summer but I got like a $3,000 whole other right all summer long he was my too good he used to sell grams of coke already pre-made in a little bottle

so I would go to his house at night and pick up 30 of those fucking things like how many you got 20 give me 20 I'll come back on an hour with the money I never came back I'd call the next day what happened oh you passed off Fuck you, I was here all my waiting for you.

Well, he was my school teacher. I knew him. I loved him, you know. And then that summer, at the end of the summer, I put a bed in with him. I called him up, and I put a bed in with him. Me and my buddies got together. So he did that, too? In those days, you would put bets in for people. So Sarah would call me and go, no, no, he wasn't a bookie,

but he would put a bed in for me. Which meant you call me up Sarah, Tiana. He's my buddy Lee. Lee knows me. Lee will come to me and go, listen, anybody wants to put a bet in. Call me up, I'll give you 10 points. You call me, you want to put 5,000 on something. That's 500 in my pocket.

I connect you with him. Or maybe not. Maybe I just call him under... So he used to have a cavalier. Do you guys know what a Buick Cavalier is? It's a little four-door sedan. So he gave me a number to call. Like 3-23, 266, 10, 10.

And you call the number and a guy would answer. And he goes, who's this name? And his code name was the silver cavalier. And he'd go, what do you want? Give me the lines for tonight. And he'd spit out all the lines. Mm-hmm. And then I'd bet under his number.

Oh, I see. You see what I'm saying? So one Monday, I was a desperado, me and three of my buddies, had these big plans for the weekend. How we were going to go to New York and get our dick sucked and how we're going to do this? It's Monday football. Fucking Pittsburgh's playing Dallas.

Everybody's in America's going to be watching that. We thought we knew more than anybody. That's what you are. When you're 20, 18, you're fucking jerk off. we thought I know more than everybody else we're going to bet

whatever Pittsburgh we bet who lost basically you know in those days you bet the game the total

and the parley we bet it for like $3,000 we were even close to making $3,000 so I put I owed

McGrath two now I owed his guy three I had to fucking Thursday to come up with the money

there was no ands, it's, buts. Was that going to get a beat? No. But in my mind, I really love Mr. McGrath. Even though I had fucked with Mr. McGrath, I really loved him. He had helped me. He was funny. I knew

where he was coming from. He lost his wife. He had two kids. He was raising him by himself. Whatever, man. I told my friends, I said we can't beat Mr. McGrath. It's not going to happen. I'll beat anybody else in the world, but I can't beat this guy. This guy has been there for him. So I called him.

up, I took him out to lunch or something, and I said, Mr. McGrath, I'm in a bind. I don't have your two grand, I don't have the three grand, but I'm going to have it. I'm robbing the jewelry store. He just looked at me. I go, here's the deal. I will cut you into the jewelry store. I will give you 30% right off the fucking top. But you've got to promise me, as soon as I call you,

you got to put bail up for me. Give me your fucking word. I don't want to spend time in there. And he goes, if I put the bail up, you can't leave town. I know the people will put the bail up, they'll shoot you. I said, I guarantee you, I will fucking take you out of your hole and give you the $5,000 I owe you. But you got to make me that promise. He goes, when are you going to rob? I went to him on Wednesday night, dog.

You needed to have the money by Thursday. Thursday, like 6 o'clock. And I went to him, and I said, I fucking, I'm telling you, this is a man. I'm doing this to moan. My buddies. He knew I had already robbed his jewelry store a couple times. I had already robbed him for rings and, like, little bracelets and shit. I was crazy.

These are the people. This time they had a thing in the middle that when you got there, you spun around and the top had diamond gold bracelets and the bottom had gold chains like these. They had 300 of these. Gold was 800 a fucking ounce. This is, you know, a thousand bucks.

He had 25,000 of these things. And every time I'd go in there, I'd steal something, but I'd case that. And it was just held by a Y. There was these bogus cameras in there. so my plan was to just pick it up disconnect the wire and run out the front door they didn't have a buzz around the door and that's how fucking I was in like I was doing this there was no way I was not doing this I couldn't let Mr. McGrath down there was just something

about fucking him over because they were going to go to him right and he was to send him to me I don't blame him I thought and I was doing this at that time me and my buddy at the time were doing this on a weekly we just put a bed in with you and when you came to us we go what? What? What the fuck you're going to do? Whoa, Scarface is going to come get you. Oh, tell Scarface to fucking come get us.

Let's see what happens. But with him, I just couldn't do it to him. Right. I got up the next morning with Timmy Holloway, who was called into the show. He was the getaway driver. Timmy Marblehead. He's called into the show. He'll probably listen to this.

And he picked this up in the morning. Me and my buddy went to the fucking jewelry store. Everything with his plan. And the first chain I dropped off, I gave him. him the biggest chain, it was like a dog chain. It was like a rapid chain. Mr. McGrath, you gave him. In 1982, I gave him the biggest chain

off the top. I go pick whatever you want, right off the top. Before we even make any money, just take whatever you want. And he took a couple chains for his family, and then I gave him a couple braces, and that was it. I went back there like three days later and gave him like $10,000,

$20,000. I forget what the fuck it was. Oh my God. But then I got my hands on his friend, Mr. Pallute. He was another gym teacher, and he gave me a number of bet. And that guy drew up to cash, but I never paid him. Oh. So now the camel is mad at me. Fuck Mr. Pallute. Yeah, fuck Mr. Pallute. So now the camel breath

is mad at me. He won't even friend me on Facebook. Oh. That motherfucker. He won't friend me on Facebook because he's mad about Pallute. I had to call another friend of mine and go, what's up with the camel? If there's anybody I'd want to talk to today is the camel breath. I'd have him call in here and tell all these stories. But he won't talk to me. He won't talk to me. He's pissed.

because Mr. Palut. Mr. Balloub died. Oh, okay. So that's why I could ever make it up to Mr. Palut. Can't make it up to him. That was the end of that summer, Saratianna. That is a big summer. Gives me the fucking goosebarpsly.

You know, I'm just thinking about it. Not really the average podcast. A day in your life is like something that would be the only story I ever told about. Like the craziest thing that ever happened to me would just be one of those stories. But that's just like a summer. for you. You understand?

It's like Orney Adams has this, do you know Orney? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He talks about, like, Keith Richards' book or whatever, and I guess, like, there's a part in, like, the second chapter, it's like a paragraph in the book, and Keith Richard, like, lived, like, near a, like, a mental hospital, and him and his friends were in their backyard one day, and they found a dead body in, like, the ditch in the backyard. And he goes, this was a paragraph in Keith Richards' book. He's like if that had been me, the name of my book would be called I found a dead body.

So like every time I talk to you, I feel like I'm just like, wow, I don't know if I've lived. Well, maybe I just have survived in a different way. I'm trying to write a book. So every day I try to write stories. So it refreshes my mind. And that summer, we were, I had a friend that would go, listen, man, can you just help me deliver some? couple of furnaces and we'll pay you like the end of the day. So it was a cool little gig.

I did two, three days a week. I never knew when I was going to work. He just knocked on my glass at 10, 15 in the morning and I had 10 minutes to get ready. He'd take me to some place. We get an egg and cheese with Taylor ham on a roll. Oh, nice. And a Coke, and then we go. And I'd usually be home by two.

Three or Lays and give me 75 bucks. One day I went with my buddy. He couldn't even go. So we had to work. We're fucking flat broke. It's mid-July. It's hot. all we want to do is snort coke we can't figure out a way we're only going to make like

60 bucks today and we're going to drop something off and as we're dropping something off there's like 30 air conditioners on the dock and nobody's paying attention to him look at my body going what do you think and we took every fucking air conditioner in there we left and I think like a week later I went into a place and to make a delivery and I walked in there was an envelope on the counter and I Tip the envelope to it could fall on the floor. And I just sat there. And I looked at it and it was filled with cash. Oh my God, I just picked the fucking em.

I mean, it was like the summer of felonies. Yeah. It was like I've never even seen $10,000. You know what I mean? Oh my God. Like you're talking about bringing him Mr. McGrath like 10,000, after you go like, what did you go sell the gold chains? Right away.

Right away. But where do you go to sell something like that? Like you can't go local. You go back to the jewelry store. I got a deal for. Here's what gets better. Okay. So I had another buddy who was fucking mobbed up.

He was mobbed up. You went into the house and you knew it. You knew he was mobbed up. So that was the second place I went because I had worked with him before. Okay. I had worked with this family before. He was a great friend of mine. He ended up being, the whole family were a friend of mine.

There was three brothers. I was friends with all three of them. The dad was a long shorman, a union delegate. But the middle brother was the one who was mobbed up. And any time I had jewelry, I would bring it to him. and he would give me top dollar and then give me a ride and buy me something

he was always really cool not a nice person either but he knew I was friends with his brother the younger brother that's who I had grown up with so the middle one was a scumbag the older one was a badass

motherfucker God bless his soul he's dead but the younger one's almost dead today he's all fucked up so I went to him and we were talking in front of his mother

we're in there making egg creams in this kitchen and I'm like where are we going to get rid of all this And the mother came over, and she goes, Coco, that chain's beautiful. I go, here you go, Mrs. Dee, that's for you. I remember gave her a chain, and when I would go there 20 years later, she would still say to me, Coco, I still got the chain you gave me.

No. Yeah, so I remember my buddy said to me, leave it here. I'm going to have a jewelry sale. He was built. He was beautiful, this kid. He was an Italian fucking tank. This guy was banging women. Oh, my God.

He was like Gerard. Gerard. Your friend Gerard, the hot friend. looking at him because he was built. This guy was very built. And he goes, give me like an hour. I'm going to put it together. He called all his mother's girlfriends.

He personally called all his mother's girlfriends. Like 30 of them and 20 of him. He called, you know, he just called everybody. He called me. He goes up. He had seven come over. I went over there at seven. This bad motherfucker had dug up velour, black velour.

And he put it on the table. This motherfucker, I'll never forget this. And he had all the chains out. And the chain still had the prices on them. So the deal was half of what was on, maybe like 10%. If you knew the person, maybe 20. It was all profit. Whatever you give a fuck, you know?

Right. So I'll never forget I walk in. And there's my boy with no shirt on, muscled up with suntail lotion on, with 20 chains around his neck. And women are picking him all. He's beautiful. Oh, my God.

And they're like, I want this or I want that. When he looks over, I mean, he just blinks. And he gave me all the money I think I cut that half with him And then we took Everywhere we went we picked up like 10 grand Here we were in high school I can't even like

I worked at CBS I know I worked at the Nike outlet This is the summer after high school And I used to still like shoes and stuff I thought I was a fucking felon I was still sports bras I would like put them on during when I was like at work I would like put them on under my uniform

And just leave with them like And I feel guilty about it still. You have $10,000. You have a pop-up jewelry store? And then we went to this other guy. The mafia. We went to this other jerk off who was a half-connected guy.

He called us and threatened us. He goes, we'll give you $10,000 for the whole batch. And me and my buddy are like, we already made $10. What are you talking about? We got 10 more batches in there. No, that's the guy that called the cops on us, the first guy. But the kid who threw us under the table was his Esposito kid. This dumb motherfucker went back to the jury.

store with the chain to get it sized. No. Yes, he did. Just thinking about it makes me so you want to smoke that piece of that. But what about the other guy you would sell jewelry to the pizza store owner? Nick, but I didn't sell him. Nick, you just got stolen stuff. This stuff was pre-mo.

This stuff was never used before. Nick, I would sell them this stuff. Oh, that had already been worn, like, from people's houses. Somebody's house, like somebody was pouring an office on. Need to be shined up. Fucking tremendous shit. These stories are fucking crazy. Yeah, they are crazy.

And that's like a four-month period. That was at that time, that was like a fine. That was like May through September 15th or something like that. It's like when you watch Breaking Bad, you're like, it kind of looks fun to cook mess. Like I would never want to do, you know, but then you watch it, like glamorizes it. When I listen to your stories, I'm like, I should be doing Coke and like robbing stories. Like that sounds so fun. You have no idea how fast a crossover goes.

You have no idea like all one day you just want to go into the city and buy a nickel bag. Then a month later you're over there buying an eight ball and you're chopping and half and you're making money. And you're like, oh my God, I could do this. And next thing, you know, in high school we would go to this place on 135 Fifth Street. This is our senior year in high school. Close your fucking eyes. Who does this? Who does this?

They were a disco. It was a Colombian disco. On a 135th Street, you had to walk downstairs. and you went in there and they had dancing, but who dances in Harlem? You could just go into Manhattan. You could just go into Manhattan. I mean, it's Harlem.

You know, like Spanish Harlem. But in the back was a DJ booth, and we'd walk in, and you see the door right there, that ledge up on top, they'd drop it, and that's where they put the Coke. And the scale was in between the turntables. And the guy would take the Coke while people were dancing,

he'd wave for you, boom, he'd give you a hug, boom, and you'd go right back. the door. One day we went and they were having chicken fights in the disco. Like right where the disco was, there's fucking chickens. They sold this blow. But another night we went and there was a fucking dead body in there. Like right in the stairway and the walk down the stairs. Like that's, you know, all I did was go over to buy coke. And I'm seeing a guy get shot with a blanket on top with the dead of the winter. And the Coke dealer that we were getting from was on the corner going, that meant walk around the corner. That's the same place

where I bought a car, went over into the city. There was a snowstorm, and I started fucking around with the ignition, the window, the sunroof, and also the sunroof started going zizz-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-by itself. And I was going to the water. It started steaming. Like, steam came out of the fucking radiator and shit.

And the next thing, the car died, and there was like a little fire in the engine. And I said, fuck it. We'll take a bus back to Jersey. We went to Broadway. We took the bus back. I went over there three days later, Saratiana.

The car was on bricks, and all that was left was the chicken bone from the frame, and they were coming to get the axle. You can see that they were working on it with the fucking blog thoughts. Do you know insurance? It's never been on my credit report. I never heard anything about it. I never got a letter from the bank. Nothing.

That car just disappeared. It's like, it never happened. What kind of car was it? Like a fucking car that only black pimps were dry. It was like that. Cutlass Sierra, two-door, with the rims. Yeah. With leather on leather black.

You know, you're sitting in it. You're sweating. The wintertime, you're sweating that motherfucker. Yeah, my first car with a cutlass, yeah. Jesus Christ, I'm going to back deep. I'm going to have nightmares tonight. You, I'm going to have nightmares. So crazy.

Fucking crazy this shit. This is crazy stuff, but I'm happy. That's good. You've got to talk this shit out. How do you feel? I'm good How are you Another star

No thank you How about you want to smoke a little hash We already did Did you show us No, we didn't smoke hash That wasn't hash Yes it was No it wasn't

I wouldn't I wouldn't So many times No I would Look at this hashis Yeah Holy cow That's that gold shit

From fucking Arabia Wow Check this reefer Oh Oh Gosh Yeah or the church.

We don't fuck around here. No, I know. What else been going on? You know, I talk to me. So you're in love? I'm not in love. No, no, no, no. You're like 10-C.

I'm not in love, so don't come back. No, no, no. It's just a crazy phase I'm going through. Well, I finally, like, have just been dating a lot, you know? I haven't been, like, really, I never really like anybody back. Like, people, like, because, you know, our lives are so interesting. Like, then you meet people and you're, like, and they're, like, and they're, like, enamored by what your life.

is and then you're like, oh, you've, and I don't care if you've never been anywhere, you know, it doesn't bother me, but sometimes it makes people less interesting or they don't have anything to share or add or any stories. And some people have too many stories. It takes a very secure man to be with you, Sam. Yeah, for sure. So I guess I've met a few more of them lately, you know, like people who are a little bit more successful or one guy designs and builds houses.

and like customizes like fireplaces. And that's perfect because you want to be involved with somebody in the industry. That's the bar burner right there. Yeah. Yeah, it works. It may not work. Let's just fucking shake hands and part of friends. It's good to go home and not talk about the same shit you do all day. I don't want to hear about SAG insurance and how she didn't make it.

You did. Yeah. Because you worked on that job. See, if you were to talk to the director, you could have got me in there before. I don't want to do that. Yeah. You know, that's why I started going to martial arts. Because I wanted to go somewhere where nobody talked about it.

that shit at all. You went in there, you sweat, and you walked out. You go to some of these gyms and people stop behind. It was a great seat. You had Catherine's office the other day. Oh, my God, how did you do? I don't know. I brought her cookies. Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you cookies? It is, yeah, I don't know. I guess I've just been meeting like some more people who, you know, like one guy's a writer for the show, the Blacklist or whatever. So like that's a cool show. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know. Like that's, that's, that's a lot. So I don't know. Like that's, that's something new. I haven't, you know, but yeah, I've just been dating a lot, which is fun, you know, because it's like no pressure. Listen, boy, you're a young girl.

Yeah. I feel young, but then I've been talking about that on stage because, like, I feel like men make me feel like I'm, like, they tell me how young I look, but then they make me feel like I have a wedding dress in my purse, you know what I mean? Like, I'm just, like, ready to, like, well, you talk about kids. And, like, I don't talk about kids. I mean, I have God kids and, like, yes, I think I do, I'm, like, finally at a place in my life where I do want children again, like, for a long time I didn't. And, but I don't want them tomorrow, you know what I mean? And I think, like, there's this, like, fear constantly where guys are like, oh, God, she's at this age, she's 36, so she just wants to get married and have lots and lots of babies. And I'm like, time and running out for me.

I ain't in a hurry. Yeah. You don't look 36. Thank you. Yeah. I'm not in a hurry, you know what I mean. I clock at 26, 27. Thanks.

Good for you, Sam. Cigarettes and energy drinks have stunted my growth. Good for you. You look great. But, yeah, so, I mean, I'm not in a hurry, but I feel like men make me feel like I am. And then I'm like, what am I do? You know, and it makes you feel crazy. Enough for you anyway.

Listen, I mean, you want to date with somebody the first time. You want to date with them. Yeah. You fucking let it all hang out. Because you don't know. Let it all hang out the first two times so you know they're never going to come back to you and go, Oh, my God. We didn't know you were really like that person.

Yeah, right. Yeah. No, let's not all hang out. As a matter of fact, I was going to ask you, why cut through the bullshit? Fuck Disneyland. Let's fuck today. There's measles down there. Eat your ass.

I got a thousand pimples on me. I got calamine lotion on me all day. You know, you want to get it out of the way the first or the second or the third day. I know I always wanted to. You know, I like you. You like me, right? Yeah. Let's surprise.

Let's go. Get you back. Let's go back to the crib. Watch HBO. Let's eat some cookies. Let's go. And whatever happens happens. But I'm not going to sit you down and go, you know, I really like you and I feel

that I really ship moving quite too fast. Yeah. I'm going to give you back your key. Let's go just go back to dating and then petting. And you're like, talk, as a man, just let it roll. Yeah. If you end up here, you know, and if it don't work out, you shake hands, and you both got stab it in it.

And that's it. You move on with your life. You put a notch in your fucking belt that you don't, whatever the fuck you do. But guys are like, well, I'm going to stay at home so I'm 36 and put away money for a home. You know what? Gross. You're fucking out of the way too.

Go fuck yourself. You got to live life by the fucking day. No, like I don't think about that kind of thing. No, but you know what it is? It's that I, you go on a date with me. I do not seem like the kind of person that you're just going to fuck around with. Like, I'm the kind of person that's going to make you breakfast in the morning and pack your lunch for you. And like, I love being very domestic.

I'm like southern and I'm like traditional like you know so it's like I'm not some somebody that guys will just and like I feel like it's just I think big part of it is just this town where like guys are just still playboys and they're still like hoping that Renee Zellegger is going to fuck them

or something so whoever it is you know so I like and I get it but I'm but I think that that's always been my biggest problem is that it's you know it is an intimidating thing what I do but then also like it's like I look like a wife

so it kind of freaks people out Does that make sense? How long did you date my man Aaron Cater for? I didn't even know about this shit Oh yeah, five years. Yeah So I know you when you used to

Bring me money and shit And I've been all the night You what? Years ago, one night I bumped into him Oh yeah probably Yeah yeah Oh my God five years Oh yeah yeah we were together

Give me the years when you were together It would have been like 2005 to 2010 about yeah what was it 2015 yeah it's been like four and a half five years I'm tight with him oh me too I was invited to his wedding I've always loved him I remember him talking he went to rehab for singers I always thought that was oh yeah I remember when that happened his dad sent his dad and mom sent him up there and I used to call him when he was up there and like make sure he was doing okay and he just thought it was He's a big-time tennis guy, isn't he?

He loves tennis. So I would meet him at the YMCA. And he would, great kid. I always, uh, what's he doing? Well, now him and his wife live out here in the valley. And she's like a nurse or something like that. And I think he's still doing stand-up, but he definitely doesn't do it that much. No, but he was at the storm one night and I was happy to see him.

Yeah. I went home and I go, fuck. I didn't see Aaron Kater. Yeah. So kind of fucked with me a little bit. But he's a great kid. I always liked that. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, very funny. but you know like I mean it comes from a wealthy family so like I feel like his like work ethic wasn't as good as it should have been you know but he taught me so much like he taught me to just be super relaxed about money like I never I used to worry about it all the time but because he didn't worry about it he's like if I worry about it that it's never going to come so you just give it to people like whatever like he always took good care of me like I never had to worry about anything and and and because of him like I look at money differently like it's like yeah it don't need to hold on to it because then why would I need to get any more if I'm keeping I'm just holding on to all of this why does the universe need to give me more I'm already got a little bucket you know so now I'm just like no fuck it yeah I don't think about it I just like swipe I ain't bring I ain't brown bad and it to work no you need something I'll buy it for you I'll go as the pieces flow yeah if I don't have it today you'll have it tomorrow yeah sorry you know like that's just you know I'm not ridiculous with it but I don't know I'm not gonna

buy something because I don't think I can do it, you know. And I'm not extreme with money or anything, but if I feel like going out to dinner, I'm going out to dinner. If I feel like going and staying in a nice hotel, I'm going to go stay in a nice hotel. I'm a human being. I deserve it. We work hard. We work hard.

I deserve it. We had mom in the hotel all week and he tied her up. What? Mexican style. We're going to tell her, Lee. What was the hotel you got? Tell them. Backrubs.

Hotel Sophia or something in downtown San Diego. Oh, the soap. Sophia? Sophia. Oh, Sophian. Oh, Sophian. Oh, sophian. It was fun.

We just got the hot wire thing that doesn't tell you where you're going to stay. Oh, really? You got to do Groupon. Groupon has all these, like, romantic getaways, and it's like a third of the price. Also, Hotel Tonight is my favorite app. Have you ever used that? No. So you just go to a new city, and you just buy the hotel room that day.

He's starting at 9 a.m. So you want to go to New York and just, it's like a third of the price. All these. And you can look at all the fancy hotels. Because I'm a hotel snob. I worked in fancy hotels a lot for like the four seasons, the Beverly Hills Hotel. So like I'm a big snob when it comes to hotels. And like service and like waiters and stuff because I was a waitress for a really long time.

So I get really upset about service because I know how easy it is to give good service. And it's like work to be shitty to people to me anyway. So yeah. So I like love hotel tonight because you can stay a five-star hotels for like $200. I have the app. We are just normally staying hotels so much. I said it the Bacara in Santa Barbara

which is like $6,700 $650 to $700 a night normally for like $300 on 4th of July. Yeah. Because what happens is like the day of hotels are like, well we want to sell out

and we still have 20 rooms available so let's just put them for low prices and just fill it up because people will buy stuff on the property. Same thing as a comedy club. You know, you give somebody free tickets they're going to buy drinks, which is how they make money.

So. You're writing this shit down with me. I love a bargain. I mean, I am a bargain. I'm going to be asking you questions. Cocks suck. I don't know stories with it. Yeah.

So that was that Brad Garrett Club, because they put you up at the MGM signature towers. This place, they're all sweets, all the hotel rooms. And a big balcony, like, you could put your furniture out on the balcony. It was gorgeous. And they had a bathtub in there that could fit, like, four people. It had armrests in your room. hotel room. At the MGM grant. Yeah, at the MGM. I stayed at the MGM like a couple

months ago. They had a deal. It was like 99, like less than 99 bucks or two nights and you got two buffet vouchers. Like you just have to search Vegas deals. The best. Yeah. It's like a lot of these places have pretty good deals. I just, I don't gamble that much ever, but I

keep getting these things from the Venetian saying I can get three free days in the suite, but it has to be like Sunday to Thursday. Yeah, yeah. So they're giving stuff away. I like going in anyway because there's less people around. Oh, I would love to go then. But I guess, oh.

We got to work. Oh. I don't know what that is. I don't have like a regular schedule. You ain't going nowhere, cucksucker. It's a podcast Monday through Wednesday. You're on fucking call. We might do one next week at 3 a.m.

Just the fuck with motherfuckers. Monday through Wednesday you do podcasts? No, just two a week. That's all you really need. I can only do two a week. I couldn't even do that. Really? No.

Two of mine. Next week I'm doing like the kid in the fucking fighter. You know, you always do two of somebody else's, you know, and then. Yeah. But I like to focus on two of these. I can really not feel like I'm burning out. Right. You know, if I have to do four in a row, I don't think I'd be effective.

I don't think I'd think of these fucking stories. This is definitely getting your stories out. Yeah, no. This makes me one to read your book. What's, this is what happens. Sometimes when I'm with people, these stories are in there, and I don't even know how to say them right. Oh, I'm too embarrassed to say them.

I don't know if we're just talking something. You just need to have somebody, like, write out, like, listen to the podcast. Like, pay somebody to just type it out. That's Lee. He's the stenographer. He's the fucking producer. I can't be this stenographer if you get me this high. No, you got to be typed as shit.

You don't even see your fingers moving. You scratch your stomach every three minutes. That's all, God's like a... You know, and it was weird because for years I thought everybody had these. I thought everybody had a weird neighborhood. I thought everybody took leaves in the wintertime and got brink. and made a wall of bricks and put leaves on top of it. So when people drive with their car,

they hit the wall of bricks under the lead. You know, I thought everybody did that stupid shit. I thought everybody threw eggs in the city Jews. I thought everybody took the phone off the, in our neighbor, we had a police phone on the wall, like on a pole. And our big thing was to rip the phone out and see the cops chasing. I thought everybody did that. So I never thought anything of it.

And I would tell people stories like that and they go, Joey, what the fuck? Yeah. We never do. We were playing baseball or something. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, well, until I moved to Los Angeles, I didn't know that the way I grew up was weird or different. You know, you just, you grow up in a little bubble. So you think, well, this is just what the world is like, you know.

And then they're like, oh, everybody didn't have a daycare in their high school for all the students. We had a daycare for all the kids that had babies in high school. Like, that was super sad. We didn't have anything to do. People would just go out in the field and drink. And cow tipping and, like, throwing cow patties at each other and just, like, setting fire to stuff. If you didn't have anything to do.

When people, that's why my parents made me get a job so that I didn't have time to, like, get pregnant. That was, like, the smartest thing makes it. Yeah. I took that a little too seriously. Did you drink in high school? A little bit. There was a lot of it.

I didn't do it that often. Like, I was never the guy to go, two nights a weekend or I would go once every couple months I wasn't I never did it that much That's the first time you smoked though Uh My manager at CVS

He was really My mom thought it was crazy at the time Because he was 26 I was 16 And I just thought it was the coolest thing ever Because he was 26 But looking Now that I'm 26

I see how creepy it was And we would go to like his friend's basement And there was There was this band that he was managing. But he wasn't managing anything. And we drank, and then we smoked weed in the garage. It didn't do anything to me the first couple times. Definitely nothing like this.

I don't really have to go to the bathroom. Is there a bathroom here? Yeah. Where? He'll give me the key right over here. I'll do some shout-outs and shit. No, that's interestingly. I didn't know that.

Did he molest you? No, he's just cool dude. Do your hugs or anything like that? No, he's cool. Cool. I'm still fine. Tell me the truth. He's cool. We're family here.

But just looking at my mom and my friend's mom who I work with still make fun of us about it. Will you come to the house and get you and beep the horn? No, no, I would drive. You would drive yourself? Yeah. He was a cool dude, but just looking back, I look at that. What's he doing now? Same thing.

He's still at CVS? Yeah. Is he half a Mo Mo Mo? Is he cool? Do you still talk to? Yeah, no, not really. He's cool. And after that, did you get high or just with him?

A little bit. We drank a little bit. I've never really been much with a drinker. I went drinking this weekend with Paul and I don't like being hung over at all. It's so much worse than this. You're ready for another star or what? No, I don't want another star. Let's do a half.

Just to break our record. I don't want to, I'm good with... Let's break our record. Let's take a chance. Columbus did. Let's split another star. We'll split it. I only give you two other three.

I'm fine with time for our record. Nah, you're not doing nothing tomorrow. What do you got to tomorrow? I got to recover from this already. Nah, I'll recover. You get up, you do a couple pushers, you drink some orange juice to the back. Who are you fucking kidding? Let's eat another little star before we.

We're going deep tonight. We've got to pick up DiAgostino. Okay. Let me give some my fucking shout-outs to my people here. Not in the alarm storm. Adriel, Adriela, Restropo, the Mensa, Jamie Stanley, Mario, David Ibs,

Captain Red Beard cocaine tamales and my main man motherfucking Santos Thank you for chipping in with us on a fucking beautiful Wednesday night here on the church with the most gorgeous Sarah Tiana and shit throwing heat. So what's been

going on? Who you're writing for? Drop some fucking knowledge on me here. Yeah, I'm doing some roasts and stuff so I've been helping my friends with the Terry Bradshaw roast. They're roasting him for the Super Bowl this week on ESPN and then next week I'm roasting Jesus as Mary Magdalene

at the West Side Eclectic here in L.A. It's just like for fun. So we're doing like a... Jesus is Mary Magdalene. Who is what? Jesus is Mary Magdalene. I'm Mary Magdalene.

So I'm going to be dressed as her roasting Jesus as Mary Magdalene. What are you wearing? Some sort of tunic. I'm assuming. You're throwing heat. You're showing the legs?

I mean, no, no. I mean... Talk to the least. They know. She is a... Yeah. She is a... The whore of the Bible.

There's pictures on page 6-0-2. Oh, yeah, in the Bible? You burn the page's little picture of a hairy bush. She never shaved it. It was fucking look like a beard. Look at his easy-top's fucking beard. It's crazy that that was in your Bible. Your Bible is so different.

It's the truth. It's the truth. They spell it out for you. You know what I'm saying? Jesus, look. Father, don't mess with them. Look at these motherfuckers. It just says it simple.

Amazing. I always thought of that line when he looks up when they're, He goes, Father, forgive them because they don't know who they're messing with. I've always thought of what that line really, how he really said it. He was like, Dad, fuck him. Yeah. He'll make a comeback. All these bitches will take them down.

So funny, like how, like, I don't think about my dad, when we were younger, used to tell us stories about growing up in Michigan. And, like, he lived, he was, like, super poor and stuff. And he said that he was, his nickname in high school was the Bushman. And we thought that that that meant he was. It was like making out with girls in the bushes, not knowing until we got older that that's not at all why he had that nickname. Yeah, the Bush, they like women with Bushes.

I think he liked it or like, you know, or maybe he just like... How old is your dad then? Sixty-four. Oh, yeah, he's from that generation. You like that fucking Bush. You're dead, too. He's a little filthy Jewish. Yeah, graduated in 69.

Yeah. You like that, too? I don't mind it. No, he's just... saying my dad likes bush and it's weird to think about it. Yeah, it is weird. You're not saying, well, don't shave that. I don't shave at all.

I was like, take off West Virginia, East Virginia, leave the Appalachians. That's what I say. Saratanna, I did not want to hear that. Sorry. I really did not want to hear that at all from me, whether you shave. Well, sorry.

You're just telling me about doing guerrillas and blow. I don't even know the names of him anymore. You're like my niece. I don't want to hear about what. between your legs. I don't want to hear nothing. You're not. I just want to hear you get married and you're happy and that's it.

Yeah, that would be nice. That made me happy that. You dated Aaron. I like that. I never do that. I never do that. I loved him. I always loved that kid.

He was always a good guy. He used to give me rides home and we torture him. I like with him and Ari are around. You can feel the tension. Like you can just feel looking at each other, hate each other. Him and Ahmed are more, you know? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. They fucking go out of it. God, I found a picture of us, though. Oh, yeah, the Palestinian image. I found a picture of me and Ari and Duncan and Aaron. Oh, no, me and Ahmed and Ari and Aaron at like this New Year's Eve party from like 2005 or six. And we all look like such babies. And I just like couldn't even believe.

And I was like, oh my God, you know. pictures of Duncan and Ari like before Natasha like was between that you know so crazy the nicest thing about Vegas this last time when we did the mushrooms was to see Ari and Duncan talking they got back in that groove it took six years yeah long time yeah for them to replace a friendship that was I remember them being kids at the store yeah I still remember getting Duncan Duncan getting the the

the talent coordinator job oh yeah I mean I hung out with Duncan before that like I just knew Duncan from the store he made me giggle when he busted the doll out the first time on an open mic on the Sunday night everybody lost a little hobo yeah

yeah I saw that video of him and Ari kissing at the UFC match which was so funny oh my God they were right back on track yeah the best they were right back That was a funny fucking crew up there when they were young. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I used to host the potluck.

Oh, really? And I used to sit there and watch this little click. And that's, you know, I'm getting it back. I think going back to the store has made me better because I'm back home and you're amongst family. That's the little core everybody has. You see your Sebastian. You see your Ahmed Ahmed.

You see your Mark Marion. You know you're in good hands, you know. That's what, you know, and that's how you start comedy. when you start comedy in Atlanta you start comedy in Michigan you start with a core of guys you know and a class

and all of a sudden you become a team and you're a class and you drive the gigs together and you know just do all these things that it's like Josh Wolf you know I look at Josh Wolf on TV

I don't see that Josh Wolf I see the guy that we lived in Seattle that he went to the house that he didn't stay there he went to the house that he was never there and it was me and Mark Madison and the house was a fucking dump.

You know, you could walk in there. There was no doors. There was no... I mean, you should have seen this place. The basement was all two feet pieces of shit from his St. Bernard that he had never cleaned. You went to the basement to do laundry.

You had to walk through a fucking landmine because there were little turds everywhere. But that's how we did it. It was 600 for the rent. Everybody had to pay $150 or something. There was somebody else who got a room there but was never there. Like they just got a room,

so when they were passing by, it was worth $150 a month. Right. They were, one guy, O'Beele him, or somebody, some comedian. Yeah. But that's your core.

Those are people that you... Yeah. I still remember who I got made a regular with. Oh, yeah? Larry Vazos, he's gone. And a girl that was a lesbian, and she just moved back to Vegas, and her name is on the wall.

Now I forget, because I'm on the spot. Yeah, I don't... I mean, I can't remember who I got. There was a few of us that were past, oh, Neil, like, Brennan, like, those guys, like, Dub. Like, that was, like, all the same time as me. That was your class. Yeah. Well, that was who I got passed with.

I was, like, much. Now, what year was that? This was 2010. Wow. Yeah. It took me six years. Took me six years. Yeah, Doug was a regular when I was there.

Yeah, maybe. Yeah, Doug was there when I was there. You know, Doug. I was there. Dove, Sebastian, John Caparulo. There was a handful. of those guys that were there when I was there. It was a really weird, like, you know, it took me a really long time

because I couldn't work the door and I couldn't waitress because Missy wouldn't allow any of that. And so it just took me like six years to get past there. And then, like, once everybody wanted me to get past, then it wasn't Tommy's idea, so it had to be Tommy's idea. You know what I mean? So he would just, it was like three years where, you know, I was performing there all the time, but he still wouldn't pass me.

So, but then I, you know, and that's, That's why I love it because when people go like, oh, the store is just so clicky. And I'm like, yeah, well, if you're not part of the family. They're all clicky. When you walk into the improv, there's eight jerks in the back giggling amongst themselves. You walk into the laugh factory, there's three jerkoffs upstairs giggling. You walk into the Boston Comedy Club. There's going to be six jerkoffs from the back.

The cellar. You know, you walk into the cellar. There's eight swarmy guys. Every club has a click. And somebody wrote me that email last week. That the club, they go there is very clicking. What should they do? Be funny than that.

Yeah. You know? Be funny in them. They have two options. Yeah. Lee, what's happening, brother? That's what I would do. You're ready for another one?

Nope. You're done for the night? You don't want to smoke another to truth? Nope. It's over? It is over. He's done. I think he's going to pass out.

No, I'll go out of the show. Are you coming down at this show? Sure. Where are you performing next? Talk to me about some dates and shit. I don't think I mean, it's pilot season, so I'm pretty much here. So you go out for pilot season as a writer or as an actress? Actress.

No shit. Who sends you out? Well, right now it's ThruLine, my management company. Okay. I'm looking for, I dropped all my agents and managers like a few months ago. Because they dropped a ball. Chappelle asked me to open for him and then they dropped the ball in it. I don't think they believed me.

They didn't believe you? Mm-mm. But they also, like, I just reached my maximum with them, like power-wise. I just needed some little bit more powerful people. I hear your name a lot. You got a lot of good things going on. Yeah, so I signed with ThruLine, which is Jeff Ross and Sarah Silverman's management company. So they send me out.

And then they're trying to sell my scripts and stuff. Okay. When I spoke to, I thought you were right, and the Justin Bieber roast because I hear they're going to roast. Oh, yeah, I mean, I will be. That's the next one. Yeah, I will be working on that. He was at the comedy store somewhere. Probably.

He loves, usually the laugh factory. He loves that place, which is weird. His friends are Jamie or something like that. Yeah. And he's like Delia and him are good friends and stuff like that. So I don't know. But it's going to be interesting. I already started writing a bunch of jokes for it.

So I don't know who I'm going to give him to yet, but we'll see. Were you here when Jamie Massada is the one that gave one of those kids to Michael Jackson? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've heard about that a lot. What happened? Which is why when Bieber goes there, I'm like, be careful. Jamie Massada delivered a boy to be raped?

Yeah, that's the rumor. That's the rumor. But that's also like But also like You know the Laugh Factory Like tapes all of their sets and stuff So like whenever people were getting trouble Like comics were getting trouble

For like saying something like Tosh Or like whoever it is He would sell him up He doesn't himself And I'll never forget When I first saw the Richards one I knew that was their tape Because their tape sound

Doesn't come in If you have a tape a set at the Laugh factory The visual is tremendous The sound is completely like Fuck. I had a great fucking set. I thought I could tape it. It don't sound right.

So when I saw the tape, I knew Jamie had sold out. Of course. And it always says, this happened at the Laugh Factory on Sunset Boulevard and it gives the address. Yeah, he's always in Huffington Post.

He's got a direct line to fucking DMZ. He's always in a... He writes a blog for Huffington Post. Well, that's why a lot of comics, like that's why Louis C.K. won't go there anymore. And, like, a lot of comics just don't perform there anymore. That's why everybody's, the store is like on this big surge because everybody wants to perform there and nowhere else, which is nice.

I'm happy I'm back. I'm happy I have a home. It's a great home. I can tell me I have a home. Sarah, you have a home here. Anytime you want to come on. Thank you. You know, I love you.

I've been missing you. I've been wanting to call you for a while, but I didn't want to bother nobody. You're one of my favorites. We didn't touch on the dad's talk. But I will tell you, since the last chat we had, I've tried to be more aware of my daughter. I have this I had a great time with it tonight She hates when I take her binky

Right she fucking loses it She loses it but she gets to do her thing So I have my foot up And she'll climb on my leg And then she'll put her feet at the edge Right by my groin and just dive on me Like an elbow And then try to take it from me

When every time she lifts her arm I'll tickle under that Then she puts it down and tries to spin on me But tonight I had it by the back of her I found that place tonight. She was going for, she's like, how did you fucking know? It's ticklish. So whenever I'm like that with her, like this time she wants me to torture her, so she has to go sideways so I can hold her like a baby.

And she doesn't want to tell me. It's like my cat. I have a cat great when I pick her up. She'll cry the whole time. But once I have her locked in the computer, she's good to go. Her nose starts fucking getting wet dripping. So it's every time I talk to you, I think of about you, a lot because I think about being a dad

now important of this to her. I'm doing the gastric for her, you know, so I can be around until she's 15, so I can tell her to close her fucking leg that's not happened. That's not happening. You're not even leaving the house. I'll shoot everybody.

I'll shoot everybody. I'll shoot everybody. There's no leg spreader pills anywhere. No, there's no leg spread of pills. You know, and it's weird. Every woman, I always thought women were a lot cooler. I grew up with girls.

I grew up with like three or four girls that were fucking killers. Like, when I go out with them, I go, Jesus Christ, this girl's a fucking killer, you know. And I wouldn't be banging them enough. And they were just friends of mine. Like I said, I grew up at one girl in particular, I think a lot. I remember her going out and going to go, hold on, let's go get some drinks. You guys sit right here. And she would go to the bar and come back with some poor bastard.

All right, these are my friends. Lee, this is Joey. How are you doing? Come on, what do you want to do? You want to get some drinks? and the guy would be stuck buying drinks for everybody the whole night. These girls were fucking savages.

So whenever I meet a woman, I'm like thinking, this girl's a savage. And then she'll tell you something. You're like, wow, I thought you were more of a savage. So that's why I just want to build a perfect savage. I just need a couple fucking years, you know what I'm saying?

That's the title of your book. I just need to get to you. I just want to build a perfect savage. I just really do. I want to build a perfect savage as a female. Hands, martial arts, Explosives, throwing knives

You know Jumping off buildings The whole fucking thing By 10 Like I said It was just like Yeah That makes sense

Ballet Ballet Everything You know Listen man It's great No it's great Everything

Everything you gotta cover Every fucking thing The flute The fucking Banjo You gotta do what you do And then explosives Expososos

Oneonone You don't know how to make little devices How to put Carbombes When you're skateboard You know what I'm saying You're four

you put the bomb under the car. You need little fucking girls get away with this shit. Look at Natalie Portman and the fucking professional. Nobody remembers. I'm the only jack off in the fucking room here. You want a lady in the bedroom and the savage in the kitchen. I don't know nothing about the bedroom. I don't say nothing about the bedroom and say a fucking thing.

I'm just saying that like you're building the, you know, like you want a girl that's a lady and a savage. I don't want it to have that dumb emotion. I don't want to have that. What do you mean? Love? Just. Dumb emotion.

Yeah, like just. weird emotion as a girl. I wanted to be a little... But that's part of being a woman. Fuck, no! You got to cut that right off. You got to rip that out as a youngster. No.

You got to rip that motherfucker. He comes home with alcohol in his breath. You fire that bitch. You understand? There's no second chances in your fucking book. There's no... There's no scraps in your scrap book. Delicate. You're so delicate.

You don't be a dog. I'm a man of many fucking words. I know. You got to get through to your daughters, though, and talk to him. Yeah. You're a good dad. I'm happy. Oh yeah, yeah. I'm real fucking good. She's too. She's fucking throwing the cats around. We're going to put her in daycare. She's already addicted to something. The binky. Yeah, the binky, the binkie. The binkie, the pink car. She loves the binkie. Lee, what's up with you, my brother? What do you got planning for the weekend? Where are you taking mom?

Tomorrow's her birthday, Thursday? Thursday's her birthday. This is the longest fucking birthday ever. She's been 25 for a week, huh? I know. Every day's, what did you do with her today? You rub her feet? I didn't see her today. Tomorrow, where are you taking her? Nowhere. She's school. And then what about Thursday? Where are you going? Her mom is making enchiladas.

I bought her a cake. And you bought what kind of cake? There's a place on Van Nuys called Cakes by Rumi. And they used to be in this breakfast place we went to, and they have great cakes. And she wanted one from there. So I got to look at a dark chocolate cake or something like that. Look at you. What are you doing Thursday?

You're going to go over that? Yeah, her mom's making enchiladas. And then what are you guys doing afterwards? I don't know. You're taking her round? No, she has school. No, no, no, no. It's a birthday. That's why we were in San Diego.

Yeah, but when it's your birthday on Thursday night, guess what Thursday night becomes? Dick night. Dick night. Tell them Saturday, Tiana. I don't say fucking dick night. I know I'm not. Yeah, yeah, you don't want that.

I want to give a shout out to my main motherfuckers here. On it. Helping you. Lifting you, making you a better motherfucker. Making you perform better mentally, physically. Spirit, that's up to you. You got to join a cult and do whatever the fuck. you do. Honan is tremendous.

I started on my Alphabrain again last week and I could tell the difference last week in Buffalo when I was on stage. Do yourself a motherfucker favor. Why are we having this conversation again? Why? Go to honor.com, press in what? Church. Boom. Get 10% off. Again, start with the Alphabrain.

100% money back guarantee. You don't like it. We don't want the product back. We'll shake hands and part friends. That's how I'm rolling these days. Number two, Iron Dragon TV, making motherfucking things happen for you. nanotech, my main man, Dave Foley, busting it up up there.

Again, a tremendous Roku channel. If you're into classic martial art films, working out every fucking day, Dave Foley's putting new projects up there, new kung fu movies, new stuff from audit, new stuff from whoever the fuck. Again, performance, but go on there. That's the only way you're going to know.

Go to iron dragon TV.com right now and press in. Joey. Bam! Oh shit. Get two free motherfucking films. To get the party started. How's that? Who gives you that type of entertainment? Wow.

Nobody cocksucker. Martial art, classic films. Tell him the names. It Man, series. Oh shit. Tai Chi Hero. Shit. Jackie Chan.

Are you fucking kidding me? Who else? That's all I know. That's all. He knows. Go on there right now. You're not going to be fucking sad. Tremendous channel.

I got a lot of things happening. You want to get in with these guys. Let me get your email. I'll do the whole thing. Iron Dragon TV right now. What's a code word? Joey. Oh, shit.

Let me ask you a question. How much long? are you going to have those underwear on? How many times you're going to open up your draw, and there's going to be white underwear with shit stains and blood? The worst part. And fucking chlamydia juice and all that shit in your fucking underwear. You know what?

How are you expect to get pussy? If Valentine's Day is coming and you're still living in 1980, I'm a fucking fossil. You understand me? And I wear me undies. That's how tremendous. When you have me undies on it's like you're fucking floating. It's like you don't even have underwear on them.

Guys are sexy in those. That's right. Thank you. And they have it for women also. You'd be very sexy. also, I'm just saying, if you want to go swimming or something like that. A lady with little boxers shorts,

it looks fucking nice. It throws a guy off. You know what I'm saying? Anybody can wear a fucking tongue and have that string up your pussy. It gets all hard from the fucking stomachia juice that comes out all day and jogging and walking up escalators and shit like that. You don't want that hard string. It's like a fucking piece of string cheese

and shit between your legs all day. Who needs that? Me and these. Comfort at its best. I have a pair on right now. My nut sack is right in the middle. I can't imagine what it makes you feel your vagina feel like. The only way to find out is to go to

meandis.com right now and press in and get 20% off your first order. Plus, free fucking delivery in Canada and the United States. Right now, lose those fucking underwear. Take a chance. Columbus did. Go to Miandis right now. They got underwear

for women, beautiful tight underwear for men. Your fucking nuts will be hanging out. Plus, they have that fabric that it pulls the sweat out so your vagina's not going to smell like a gyro and your nutsack's not going to smell like a fucking bag of old dicks. Number two,

Nature Box. You know why I like Nature Box? Because they don't talk about 20% on it. They don't talk about dick. You know what they talk about? Come here, let me tell you, you hear. Free! Free! Who gives you anything for free? Who? Who? Nature Box. Five bags. Go with

the fucking pretzels. They got the Sarachi cashews. What else? The cocoa almonds? They got the... The nom-noms. The nom-nums. These motherfuckers are not fucking around.

Go to naturebox.com. You can pick what you want. Let me tell you something. They have a tremendous trail mix with these little chocolates. They look like little Chinese spin-fucking things. You can chop somebody's head off. It's an antioxidant.

I'm telling you right now. You know what the best part about me on these and nature boxes? And get delivered to your house. Right to your house. You don't know. No way. You stay running your house. house, you mind your fucking business.

You sit there, you whack off, UPS comes, you want to invite them in for a lemonade. You can't have not. Tell them on delay, and that's it. They get delivered to the house. But you know what? Why fuck around? Go to naturebox.com right now and press in. Joey. Oh shit! And get your free fucking nature box delivered

right to the house, and you take it from there. You tell me if Uncle Joey's bullshit in you. Nutricious, delicious. Beyondies, a shout-out. Iron TV is shout out. On it, I love you. We'll be back next week with a call show. Sarah Tiana. Any dates, nothing? No. I just follow me

on Twitter. Follow her on Twitter. At Sarah Tiana. At Sarah Tiana. Get your shit together. Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you. There's John Lennon. You fuck. Let's do this. We've got to get to the store. It's 1006. I have people to meet. All right. Now that the show's over.

I got to sell that Kila. Okay. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sampler box of great tasting healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey. That's naturebox.com slash joey.

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And for a limited time, they're going to give you free shipping in the United States and Canada. And lastly, go to IondragonTV.com and East Cobert Joey to get two free rentals from all of their great martial arts movies, It Man Series, Tai Chi Hero, Jackie Chan. too many of the name it's iron dragon tv.com he's co-word joey to get two free rentals