The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #256 - Sam Tripoli, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: February 12, 2015

Sam Tripoli, Comedian and co-host of The Punch Drunk podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. 
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Recorded live on 02/11/2015.
 Music:
 Whip It - Devo Cisco Kid - War

This show is sponsored by Naturebox. Naturebox ships great-tasting, healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free NatureBox sampler box at naturebox.com slash Joey. That's right. Completely free nature box snacks. They don't even make you pay for shipping or found it. They don't make it pay for shit, although they make you pay for shipping.

No. They don't. Nothing. What the fuck are you waiting for? Go to naturebox.com. Sorry to interrupt. It's all right. Gets me pissed off.

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Are you fucking kidding me? Crack that whip. Take that dick out. Grab it by the fucking head. Pull on your Johnson and just smear it on that fucking souffle of cock. It's Wednesday. It's Tuesday night. Special edition church of what's happened now, motherfuckers. Put away the remote.

Keep that glowing. Her whip it. Easy shake. What? Shake it up. Oh, motherfucker. Stick it in. Lick it fast.

Lick a clip. By the hair. By the toe. Stick it in her muffler. Here we go, Lee. When that bitch comes around, you can dig it. Put your finger in her ass. And then you fling it.

That's my things I learn Make it look like a popsicle Like a fucking popsicle What's happening You bad motherfuckers? The church or what's happening now, bitches? Tuesday night Tomorrow's Wednesday

We figure we take the fucking day off Sam Tripley's here tonight In the house From punch drunk fucking sports And many other podcasts Sam Triple At the church Brian count

These guys got like 18 different fucking podcast I don't know how they do it Brian Cowan's on the 8 minute podcast A 10 minute podcast He's got a sports podcast The Brian Callan Manow, how the fuck do it? I'm a hunter. I'm a hunter.

Who the fuck knows? What's up with you? Flying Jew? Everything all right with you? Everything is fine for like ten minutes. Oh man, you got high fast, dude. You are high. I'm not high right now.

Last night I got the highest I've ever, ever, ever been on T. What? I blacked out for the last hour. I probably had 800 milligrams in me deep. Well, you should have seen it. I should have taken a picture. We had all the stars. And I don't know what you ate.

before you got here. I had two candies. Then I got here and I ate two stars. But the time I left here, I was so fucking hungry. I had to eat the chocolate bar. That was $2.4.000. Oh, that happened to me. Yeah, that's happened to me where I was in Toronto. And then I got so high with the chocolate bar. I had to eat the fucking peanut butter cookie.

And that was another 140 fucking You were eating the chocolate bar during the podcast. You take it and eat a corner of it back. I went to pee at 2 in the morning. Everything was purple. At that time I took ecstasy on 144 in North Gardner. It was something that I fucking could. I was high as shit.

I got up this one. When I went to acupuncture, she said something to me at 1 o'clock. She goes, did you smoke a lot of pot before you come here tonight? I go, I smoked the usual. She goes, how long ago? I got smoked like six in the morning, 7.30, 8.15, that type of shit. And I got busy. She goes, man, there's a lot of reefering. Yes. I'm like, oh, last night, I must have dropped a fucking...

Thousand milligrams. Oh, my God. I got fucked up, and I called him a few times. This fucking guy got up, got in this car and went for Yum Yum Donuts. At like 11 o'clock. That's how strong. That's how tough is nails this fucking guy. Yum Yum. Donuts, dog.

I was so, I was so fucking. The Hollywood one? No, no, no. Right over here. The one Hollywood's shady. Oh, no. That one in Santa Monica.

They taste funny and shit. Like, they jerk off. Like they whack off in the fucking something. Something's not right. Because they had Yum Yum. That's Cream film. Years ago. No, no.

They whack off in the battle like Brad Pitt and Fight Club. They fucking, over here, they got a yum yum on Lancashim. Right. And it's disguise. Yeah, I didn't go that one. I ate there one time. It was disgusting.

The Yum Yum is by the school. On Magnolia. On Magnolia. That's a Magdadi. Across from Taco Bell. Yeah. Next to the hamburger joint. Is that hamburger joint?

I heard that hamburger place is pretty good. You know what, man? I went there. It had to be five years ago. Me and Terry were walking around the neighborhood. Went in there. Got a hamburger. It was what it was.

No, but I went, I was just, I ate pretty healthy last night before that. I only had a little bit to eat. But then around 11 o'clock, I just. I just couldn't take. And I wanted just glazed donuts. But I said glazed and I didn't even look and he gave me those two, the bars, like the twisted bars. You killed both of them? Yeah.

I used to love the half moon, dude. I used to own, as a kid, I couldn't stop crushing half moon. What's a half moon? When it's half, uh, chocolate, half vanilla frosting all day. Oh, my gosh. I like French colors. But they always have frosting on them out here. I like just the plain glazed ones.

I grew up on fucking entomins to chocolate with the white balls. and when you took them out the sugar fell off and there were chocolatey as fuck then i think enthrman stopped making those i like dunkin donuts when i was a kid in jersey apple and spice it's garden so young it's garbage now now they're garbage because it's corporate right they went corporate when they were like little mom and pop they took the fat out they took the fat out of the fucking donut i finally went to the one in san an monica and i just got a drink and it just it wasn't why are we making healthy donuts you're eating donuts the fuck i know it's donuts yeah No, it's a...

I'll tell you what, that coffee they got, the high-level Brazilian, bold, or whatever they have. At 7-Eleven? At Dunkin' Donuts? Oh, okay. It's a fucking top-notch. That shit'll keep you up. That shit'll keep me...

Do you ever eat pizza at 7-Eleven? You ever see people go to 7-Eleven? They get, like, dinner? No. It's like they're going to a restaurant? No. He torches me every time we go, because we'll go when I'm high,

and he'll be like, what, you want one of these pizzas? Those fucking wings and those churros. Oh, God. Those sticks. It's like, you gotta hate yourself. Oh, my God. wash their fingers in 15 years. And they always try to upsell me.

Oh, yeah, yeah. They always get you. They don't fuck around. Do it. Three wings. 30 cents. I want to know what a fucking $7.11 makes a day.

But when I was in Buffalo, the cab driver, he lived here. And he goes, for five years, I ran Sherman Oaks, Kanoga Park. His uncle owns 11 of them. And he ran five of them.

They must make millions. Millions. And he said that fucking, He would make a ton of loot there as a manager, but he didn't like his wife, got divorced, who the fuck knows? But I know that that's 7-Eleven,

they fucking upsell you. They got everything. In a year, they're going to have clothes. They say if you own a 7-Eleven, you're a millionaire, one 7-Eleven. That's how much money you make on those motherfuckers. They don't stop. You sit there, they don't stop, and they sell everything. Hot dogs, true rows,

the fucking petrified pizza that I know you ate. I've never eaten. Even their bananas are dead. different. Yeah. Like their bananas even have like a weird look to them and shit. They're third world bananas. That chicken salad on fucking wheat bread ain't bad. You ready to make that? Oh, fuck yeah. I would never eat anything with mayonnaise. No. The Italian thing you've, I agree with that. I agree with that. The Italian ain't bad then. The Italian sandwich. Take the fucking take it home. Take the lettuce off.

The lettuce is always bad. Put it in the oven, dope it up. Put some lettuce, some olive oil, some vinegar and some fucking oregano with some crushed red pepper. Shit. You wouldn't know. the difference. You know why? Because they got real pepperoni. When you bite into the pepperoni, you're like, oh my God. I can't take egg salad if it's wrapped up. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, egg salad should never be sold in a wrap. No, no, no.

Egg salad's got to be poured. I got to see it. I got to see the hand. I want him to be a bad magician. I got to see the fucking hand cocksucker with egg salad. Shrimp when I was a kid, dog. Magician. That's a line right there. When I was a kid, there was a place on Bergen Boulevard 666. They were

It was like 33-666. And that's what we called it, Deli 666. It was in a fucking white neighborhood, but they were Japanese people. But they made a fucking shrimp salad that would make your fucking ass. Oh, curleck. On fucking New Jersey bread, that fucking guinea bread that's hard. Fried shrimp versus steamed shrimp? No, no, no, no, no, shrimp salad with the mayo.

Yeah. No fried. I've never heard of shrimp salad before. Is rock shrimp, like little shrimps? No, like big prawns, and they cut it up, and they put it up. and they put celery and little pieces of coastlaw and lettuce, a little spicy in that motherfucker. And they put it in like a long sub. Fuck.

Do you see that picture? Someone tweeted us of the North Bergen newspaper this morning? Did you see that shit? They're calling the mayor. They compared him to Hitler. What happened? Apparently he's a dictator. He's taking like 500 grand in three salaries.

You know, when I sit here, all right, I'm a felon. We got that out of the way. I'm a felon. But the reason why this podcast is never politically open, is because I have no knowledge of politics, but the reason why is because I do not care. Yeah. Because it's more, it's just being a fucking criminal without a gun.

That's how smart they are. They get so, they're criminals without guns. When I think of the mayor of my hometown, I get sick to my stomach, and he's got these people hypnotized. He's like Jim Jones. And that's, it's old. It's from last week. Oh, it is okay.

They just retweet it again to break my balls because somebody retweeted it last week. And it shows him, Fidel Castro. Those guys became, there's a bunch of those guys that, the higher they get, they get multiple jobs. So they'll get. So he's taking like three salaries? I just saw the headlines. It's three salaries and that's not even with the illegal kickbacks. Right.

He's probably, he's probably like, he's probably like superintendent at schools. He's the mayor. and he's probably something of transportation. Yeah, dude, if you run for public office, you're probably a scumbag. I mean, that's just my opinion. Well, you start off with a great intention. I don't believe that you start off with a great intention. And you know when you go up to people, they're sleazy,

if they got a lot of teeth and they're always fucking smiling motherfuckers. Or people who look in the face. There's people that I bet start off with great intentions. And then they just run in and they're surrounded with fucking douchebags. How many times you have people here that you knew from the comedy store? And on some one day they became a writer on a show or something and they got surrounded by these fucking hipsters or something. And next thing you know, you see this guy one night and loves release and he's like,

hey, and he's like, excuse me, I got to go and he shakes your hand. Happens all the time. Happens all the time. And you're like, I knew you. We used to run together. All the time. We used to walk the paint dot and share a fucking meatball sandwich. And now you're going to treat me this way.

Yeah. They just... Well, what would you do? If someone offered you $500,000, if someone offered me $500,000, and then said, all you have to do is pass a couple laws that make my business make more money,

I'd probably do it. $500,000 a year is a lot of money. You know, there's different ways. No, and I agree with you. You know, the medical companies, you know, the pharmaceutical companies. That's all the way up in the top. That's like a complete different

fucking form of stealing. You know, you're taking three... You know, you come to me and go, listen next year they want to Sam Tripley wants to squash this law you know talk to them about it here's 300,000 I give sam 100,000 I keep 200,000 when the scam goes down I rat on Sam because he took the 100,000 it's fucking amazing like I don't even I don't even think of well let me at least save Sam and look Sam and the eye go Sam you homey one when I get out of here give me a fucking job no matter what right you follow me no they rat on Sam oh yeah that's what they do

It's really, I grew up in that. I grew up in that from the time I moved to Northburg and downtown, once I started hanging out with Carmine Balzano, who I put a picture on on Facebook together, of him and I eat him at the thing. I understood it. When I go walk around with him, he tells me, come to these Spanish people's house and talk to them in Spanish,

you know, to get votes and shit like that. And I saw it, but they had great intentions. The Marco administration, Steve Marco's father from America's top team, His uncle, they had great intentions. But then something happened in my hometown that destroyed my hometown forever. The waterfront. All those pictures you see of New York City

are taken from fucking North Bergen, West New York, Fort Lee, Hoboken, you know, all that. That surrounds that waterfront. Well, once they started building in that waterfront, I mean, just when I tell you this, this will freak you out. Until this day, it freaks me out. And I called them about three months ago,

and we had a great conversation. My eighth grade teacher was the mayor of Weehawken. That's like my eighth grade teacher in North Hollywood being the mayor of Studio City. It's like, you're the fucking mayor. Why are you teaching an eighth grade class? And it wasn't a no-show job. He was there every day and he loved it and he fucking, you know.

But can you imagine that's how creepy my hometown is? That the mayor of Weehawken, until this day, the only reason why I could figure out why the mayor are Weehawken was the North Bergen teacher is because of that fucking waterfront because he went to jail. He ended up going to jail when I had to a teacher. Wally Lindsay ended up going to jail.

Some on the waterfront, buildings, some scam. In fact, when we spoke a couple months ago, he told me that they wrote a script and James Franco was going to play him. Well, what about a... What's that city where Barone's from? Hoboken. Isn't that like more expensive than New York City

or just as expensive now? Yeah. Yeah. Because everyone's moving in there because it was cheaper, but now since his not apartments. You remember the movie American Hustler? Yeah. That, the American Hustle that just came out a little while ago. Yeah.

Like, that's what you're talking about. It's like the guy who plays the mayor. He's corrupt only because he's trying to help the community. Right. And he ends up going to jail. That's why I didn't like that movie. And it was, you know, there was individually great acting in that movie. But the movie should have been about the mayor trying to do well,

having to work with scumbags instead of a bunch of scumbags trying to eff this mayor over. But that's exactly what you're saying. Like he wanted to help the community, but he had to play a little game. You had to play a little ball, and he ended up getting fucked by these dudes and going to jail.

You know what I'm saying? They take all the money. They rat him out. He goes to jail. But he's only doing like 10, 5 years or something. There's not one mayor in my Hudson, in Hudson County where I'm from, that ever just resigns or stops.

They all end up in jail. I heard the same thing about like Illinois governors, like Chicago governors, like the past three or four of them. Yeah, they all end up in jail because they just, you listen, you just get too greedy, the word gets hot and you start stealing with three fucking hands. Everybody who comes to you, hey man, I want to build a Honda dealership over here,

but it's a nose-on. What is you know what I can do? I'll call my office in a week. Yeah, come on down, the problem is this guy wants 80,000. I want 70 fucking thousand, you know, the constructor, the handicap. What is that, the guy who draws it? The engineer wants 20. and the architect

and the architect wants to win. At the end of the day nobody wants nothing. Nobody wants nothing. It's just all me. Just making up numbers. That's all they do.

That's how they rob you. Well, what about these cable companies? What we're paying for business internet here is probably five times what I'm paying, but I get at home, but I get faster at home. And it's because they just don't have,

there's no other competition. No, no, no. They zone it out. It's the weirdest thing. And this is supposed to be some, kind of like capitalism, but they've all like, it's all collusion, man. It's like the mafia. Yeah.

You got that, or time. We got this. Or AT&T over here, correct? And AT&T doesn't even have the speed. So, yeah, those are the two options we have. It's a monopoly. And then Comcast and Time Warner combined, and the biggest thing they're saying is,

because they're getting investigated for monopoly. And the biggest thing they're saying is, oh, well, we're on different sides of the country. Well, yeah, Time Warner took the West Coast. Yeah. And Comcast took the East Coast. And that's, you have, like, maybe, you're lucky if you're lucky if you're You have three options. It's too awful.

With cable, Fio, Verizon, and AT&T. I can't believe that flies. I cannot believe that people let that shit fly, dude. They're like, you can only get that cable company. If you live there, you have to go through that. There's no negotiating or fighting over prices. People need internet too much. People, like, what you would have to do is boycott internet, but no one's going to do that.

Well, how do you get your own internet? How do they, how can't just grab it from the sky, get out of my own shit? Well, that's why that net neutrality thing is really scary. but like the, I forget who did it, but somebody just made it illegal or put it on a way to, because what they were going to do is slow down certain websites.

Yeah. For like for fees or whatever. What they're going to make it, it was going to make it for a harder, for harder for an independent contractor or an artist. Their website was going to take a lot longer to load up and then all the big corporations would be fast. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

But the FCC guy was like, no, we can't have that. It was like the most amazing thing because everyone thought for sure. He was just going to say goodbye to net neutrality, which would have fucked the internet. You know, this NSA stuff that's going on, it really has fucked just the internet because what's going on is like Brazil is making their own internet. Wow, really? Yeah, which means it's going to be completely detached from our internet, which is going to pretty

much ruin the internet. The point in the internet was everybody's connected. Now because we're spying on everybody, now they're breaking it up, so they're going to have their own internet. And it's just going to, it's going to... Well, do you hear about Samsung? What happened was Samsung? in the last couple days,

they have these TVs now where in the commercials you would talk to the TV and say on or off or whatever and they just put out don't have private conversations in front of the TVs because the TVs are recording

all the stuff and sending it to a third party. Oh my God! Samsung actually came out and said don't have any private don't have any important conversations in front of our TVs because they're getting recorded.

I'm telling you that for 20 fucking years. Dude, this shit's just, it's everything that we saw in the movies is now happening. Like I'm right with this guy named Ben Wolfson and he's like and he's like and I couldn't hook up this the aim chat thing

so he's like hold on let me take over your screen and the dude from where he's at takes over my home screen starts clicking on I'm like what the fuck is this dude I've never seen that shit before have you ever seen where some other dude way over there runs your fucking screen I throw them out I'm out of the fucking house how'd you do it

I don't want to know get the fuck out top sucker and if my TV gets robbed I'll fucking in the head with a pipe you fuck Weird as shit, dude. It's, you know, the public isn't really aware of corruption at any level. We all want to believe that everybody has our back. You know, Joe American wakes up in the morning, goes to work 40 hours a week. He gets a pension.

They take taxes out. At the end of the year, he pays a tax where he finds a bunch of loopholes, and he doesn't pay a tax. And we feel protective at every level. We lock two doors at night. We shut the window. And that's it. That's it.

That's not it, guys. That's not really it. Yeah. So, and there's so many things that we just bank on. You know, we wake up in the morning. I can't even tell you who the mayor's studio city is. I can't tell you with the mayor of fucking Hollywood is. I don't give a fuck.

It's got nothing to do with my fucking world because, you know, my world. We're trying to move straight ahead. I'm sitting there going, well, the mayor race in this town, this town. Who gives a fuck? You don't even live there. What do you give a fuck if they put a park for little kids? I don't give a fucking pigeons die or not. Everybody's always, you know,

to save the whale, motherfuckers. But as a young man, I saw so much of it that wasn't, it wasn't disgusting to me. I wasn't turned off by it. I didn't judge you by it. I just saw the way things worked. So when I see some guy going, yeah, I'm going to the mayor's office and talking about this.

I'm just giggle. I just giggle in my fucking head because I know that this idiot doesn't even know. You got to show up an envelope. Did you ever think about becoming a politician? No. Because I knew you wanted to be a lawyer, and that kind of leads right into that.

No, no, no, no, no, no. There was no, I grew up. When I left North Bergen, I had done all these little crazy things, but the first time I realized I had to leave was when these people came up to me, and they're like, hey, man, you've been getting away with Murdalen, you've got to help us now. And I knew that they didn't want me to put a suit on.

They wanted me to burn crosses and do crazy shit like that. And I just didn't want to do it for the sake of fucking politics. Right. It's like anything else I didn't want to do as a kid. You know, we robbed this stuff, thing one time. We probably got $25,000 and these gangsters came up to me

they're like, well, give us half and we'll protect you. What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not going to give you half. I'll give you a couple hundred. You stick around, you have a bead, do a couple lines. But I ain't giving you half a fucking nothing. Right. And that's what it becomes.

You know, these, I never understood the mafia. The mafia, wait a sense. So wait a second. Let me get this straight. So I'm going to go out all week and risk my fucking neck. to make moves. And at the end of the week, if I make $5,000,

I got to give you a percentage of my money. But if I want to move up in the ranks, I got to give you the most money. So even though Lee kills 18 guys and whatever, if he only shows up at $300, Lee is $300. If I show up and I move Coke, but I tell him I'm a bookie,

and I show up when I give them $3,000 a fucking week, every week. That's $12,000 a fucking month. I give some fucking schmuck. After about two years, it will make me a gangster. It will make me into the mafia. I could tell him I'm a bookmaker, but the whole time, I'll be selling fucking bloke.

Do you follow what the point is here? You are a solid guy. You'll shoot people in the head. They don't judge you by that. He's a solid guy. You're a solid guy. You shoot people. How many people have somebody else?

I'm a good trip. Do me a favor. Cover you ears, late. No, you're a solid guy. fucking. On the way home, go shoot Teebo. You know your buddy

the long-legged when you do the podcast? Yeah. Go shoot him and this fucking life. How many people have that? They could have that power. I can just look at you

and go, stop on the way home and shoot Tripoli. He's got to go. He's a fucking rat. He went to Sirius XM. Do you ever see the movie Iceman coming? Iceman coming

with Doc, where he's like to get into the mob, they just drove, around and the guy's like randomly killed that dude walking the dog and the guy just walked up behind him, boom! Got back in his car and drove off and that's how he got in. But those people were

psycho fucking pads. Yeah. See, that was something that people never understood. That crew was completely whacked out. The problem with that crew was they weren't six zombies. They really were six zombies. But again, Roy de Mayo made so much

money. He was giving away $50,000 a week. when somebody gives you 50,000 a week, you're like, and I'm giving you 50,000. I don't know what you're giving Tripoli. You might give Tripoli 10 and say, this is all that fat fuck only gave me 10. You don't know, because he don't want to talk to me.

He never wants to talk to me. Right. So you don't know. So he kept giving him money until the Mayo kept saying, hey, what the fuck, I give you a ton of money. When are you going to talk to Paul Costalano? And finally they called Paul Castellano. at a weak moment, he goes, make them.

And once they made the mail, the mail didn't even report to it anyway. They didn't even want him around. He made people nervous at weddings and shit. So they told them, don't even come around. He reported to one guy only. Because they were creepy. They sat around at this bar.

I don't know what the name of the bar was, not the Motion Lounge. There was something else, this bar. And that's what they planned. And they killed people right next door. So if they wanted to kill you, they just invite you to the bar. And they go, you hungry? Yeah.

They take you inside. a guy would come out, they shoot you in the head, they'd wrap a towel around you, then they'd stab you in the heart, so the heart would stop bleeding, then they'd take you in the tub, and they'd hang you upside down, they'd drain you,

and then they'd come back six, seven hours later after they ate lunch, and they cut you up into pieces, I swear to fucking God, these people, this is not, that's not a gangster. Cutting people up and put them in a fucking tub is not a gangster.

Right, that's insane. It's insanity. That's just another word for Charles. Psychopath. Yeah, that's another word for Charles Manson. Yeah. Okay. A gangster's a psychopath.

He could kill you, but he's out there robbing. He's out there earning fucking money. He's not, these guys... And there's some rules, right? There's some rules. These guys killed over 200 people. They weren't in it for the mafia. They weren't in it for a license to kill people.

They were zambos. They were fucking zombies. Zambos. What are your thoughts on the mob? Because you grew up with it? Are you pro? Like, do you hate them? Am I pro?

Am I hate them? No. I do not hate them. anybody like that. I grew up with a bunch of kids that their parents were involved or whatever. I didn't hate them. I just hated what they represented in a way. Like what

people got from them? Like, I don't think when a guy walks around like, when a guy walks around that he's angry. Like, why should a guy be sitting at a table by himself like in thought, you know, like and two guys are standing there like bodyguards? What is

what does he do that he's so much better than us? that he could sit there by himself and deep thought and think while everybody else is going. You know, like that type of shit, I always saw it for what it was. They're fucking Hulums. That's all they are. They guys cut in fucking corners trying to make a living. And they probably earn 20,000 a week, which in the fucking street world, that's a ton of money.

When I wake up on a Monday morning and by Friday, I put together 15 grand on the street, What does that mean, Joey? Tuesday, Triply shows up with a fucking truck full of TVs. And he says, Joey, I just want $10,000 for the load. I go out and make $20,000. That $20,000 is mine.

I just made $20,000. You know what you do then? Most guys go home and sleep and do drugs. Fuck that. You do drugs, but you get up the next morning, go out and steal again. Yeah. And you're stealing every day.

You got to remember, the more spaghetti you throw against the wall. the more it's going to stick. So if you're a 24-7 criminal, you got your hands in a thousand things. You know, we're centrally located at the Ha-ha Cafe. That's where we go to eat breakfast and lunch.

That's where we're centrally located. But there is what we do a thousand things. So if somebody comes to us and say, if you've got two pounds of blow, I need to move it, Tripp's the blow guy. Trip will go fucking get the blow guy. Trip will go move the fucking blow with me

and we each make $6,000 for the day. But every day that we do that, we're risking 10 years of our fucking lives. That's... Do you think they're bad people? No, no. They're quiet boys. They deserve to go to heaven.

They just... You know, you can look at them from 20 different angles. When I was robin, was I a bad person? No, I was a weak person. Because I had the potential to do whatever the fuck I want. I could be a Mick, drink Mason, I can mix cocktails, I could fucking a wire a thing. No, I'd choose.

those to rob drug dealers. Easy money? Would you say you took the path of easy? I even know Robin isn't necessarily easy, but Quick money. Quick money. Would you say that's the past quick. Absolutely. Abso fucking looting. You're an American. You fucking, I'm not offending nobody here, okay?

You fucking get up in the morning. All right? You go to your front porch and there's somebody from another fucking country driving a fucking Lexus or a fucking Mercedes-Benz. You got to get up every morning. You're an electrician's helper. You get nine bucks in a house. hour. You got to rip down walls. You got to take down old insulation. Reput the fucking thing up. New insulation. You're breathing that without a mask. I don't give a fuck. $9 an hour is what, $3.60 a week?

Yeah. Before taxes. Before taxes. Let's say they give you 12. Whatever the fuck they give you. At the end of the week, what's $12? $12 an hour is $4.80. 480 after taxes is $4,600 a month. You're breathing dead bodies and shit like that. Okay. Your cousin comes over to you and says, hey, let's take a ride to fucking Hollywood. You know, help me sell whatever. I give you

$500 at the end of the night. How are you going to look at that $500? You're going to go out to your cousins in about two weeks and pick up another $5 or 4. Then about two more weeks, you're going to pick up another 5 or 4. And then one day it's going to be raining out. You're going to wake up at 6 in the morning. You're out of mayonnaise.

Your girlfriend missed the period. You're getting your car, the battery, you don't start. Your buddy picks you up. You get to work. It's on the third floor. You got to carry wiring up. You look up that wiring and all of a sudden something just looks at you and goes, hey, stupid. You keep carrying this shit up

the stairs and hanging out with these fucking momos for 480 a week. You go hang with your cousin on Friday nights and make 500 bucks and stay home and fuck your wife in the ass the rest of the fucking time. Yeah. And it seems kind of like the answer to politics, essentially. I mean, it's just

you could look at it from a normal job. People go to work. Like the electricians job, the electricians are probably hanging out, having coffee, and just doing the small stuff that it doesn't take a lot of effort or, like, physical effort. The mob was just like, oh, if the government's going to take 30% and then more taxes, and then they're going to make millions, why don't we just sell this stuff that they made illegal and make a ton of money when we can? Yeah, you know, it's almost like what happens with adult film stars, dude.

It's like everyone goes crazy. Oh, it's too great. Those girls could go get a real job. I know some, they have college education. It's just quick money, dude. It's fast money. Just doing an adult being an adult film star. It's like, okay, here's two grand.

Come bone these eight dudes. Quick money. You know, you look at society. You look what they give you? You know, what are your options when you're not college educated? Even when you're college educated, look what your fucking options are. Okay, so what are you going to do? You know, when I was a kid, I had quailudes.

Quailout I paid $2 a piece from. So for $200, for $200, I got $100,000, I could sell them for $4. That made me $200 bucks. I don't know if you know this. $200 a day, $200 a day, $5 days a week is $1,000 a fucking week. That ain't too bad. That ain't too bad. I know that out of the 500 quailudes, I'm going to sell $450.

I'm going to eat 50 of them or give them away or whatever. You know, you've got a rock and roll. Still, that's a great profit for a fucking 20-year-old if you're not. Right. these kids that sell X at these clubs, they don't work. They don't work. What the fuck they don't work for?

You get up at night and you go to a club and sell X. That's what you do. Quick money. Do I want my daughter to do it? Do I want Sam's son to do it? Do I want your son to do it? No.

We have to raise them to be a little stronger than that mentally. I wasn't, you know, I was out there. I saw it. I was surrounded with it. I was surrounded with people who had a scam. for life. Listen, let's get something straight. 60% of the reason I became a comic was because I wasn't going to get a fucking day job.

I've said this on the show. That much? 60%? 70%. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm right up. I'm telling you right now. I knew there was something about hanging out in the daytime that gave me a sense of strength. Fuck getting around and rushing around and packing a brown bag. Taking orders. I can't do that. Fuck you.

I knew that at 16. I knew I was not going to have a day job. So immediately, I started looking for night options. I went with either a night warehouse or a bartender. I would have worked on a night warehouse. I didn't. I started working on a night warehouse when I was 17. When I was a senior night school, I quit high school to work at Mazback Century

to load trucks at night because I never cared about nightlife. As long as I got high, I don't want to give a fuck about going out and hanging out with a bunch of people at a bar, people breathing vodka breath on me and shit and stepping up. on my fucking shoes and acting like fucking wackos. I never cared about nightlife. Never. I could care less about all that shit.

I went out. I went out, but I enjoy myself every time I go out. As a child, even today, once I get to what you fucking people say is great. Once I get there, I look around, and I ask myself, why the fuck am I here? This ain't better than being at home with a bong in front of me. I've always been that way.

So I never really gave a fuck about being out. I never got it. I've never been super social. I never really got it. Super social. I could stay home and not miss. I don't know what the fuck people are talking about. So my nightlife could have been a race.

I would give it all up to be alone in the daytime. For me, peace of mind is what I do now. Is be alone in the daytime. Alone in the fucking daytime is my gift. I love it. I love being able to have my choice. I still get up early. Still got nowhere to go.

That's unbelievable. I got nowhere to go. the morning. I don't know any comic getting up. Maybe Whitney Cummings. You and Whitney Cummys getting up at 6 in the morning. Six in the morning. You got to greet that motherfucker with your dick hard. The flag is ironed. You go to my house, the American flag is ironed. I got that

motherfucker starched up. I got a little Chinese dude. That starches that motherfucker. But was it looked down upon when you were getting jobs? Because I can't tell you now how many people I talk to that I tell what I'm doing. At least two or three times a week, I have to defend my decision not to go in a And yeah, I could be making more money right now. But the 405 sucks.

Doing it for myself is pretty awesome. Not looking at my boss and seeing them drive off in a Mercedes and coming in two hours late and leaving an hour before everybody else. Yeah, dude. Own your own shit. I've always said that, dude. Tommy from the Comedy Store, biggest mistake that dude did. He put in 11 years into something he didn't own, dude. I'll never invest that much time in anything I don't own.

I need to have a piece of that shit. that warrant that amount of investment of my life and my energy, man. You've got to own a piece because eventually they'll get rid of you for somebody cheaper or somebody thinks different. If you own your own thing, you put your time and effort in, you get to enjoy the fruits of your labor. That's my whole, that's the naughty show. That's all my podcasting.

That's my whole brand. That's all I care about is like, this is what I want to do, and I want to own it. And I like being my own boss. and I'm more successful than some, not as successful as others, but at least I own my own shit. You're there, you're right there, and you control.

Stay in the pocket, clean and sober now. I'm getting to the point where every time my agent calls, I shriek at the fucking phone. He's the biggest pain in the ass. He started calling me Friday last Thursday. Hey, they want you to go do 80 years off his movie tomorrow. I go first off. That ain't happen.

Just out of fucking, just because that's how I roll. They're going to do 80 off for the next month. Do not believe that it's tomorrow. Because what if I was on a plane to Buffalo? Right. There would be no tomorrow. So tell them right off the bat. There ain't no tomorrow.

I said, tell them. I'll call them tomorrow and out at 7, let them know. They called them. I called two numbers. They never called me. I said, fuck him for Friday. Monday night, they finally, my agent called like Monday at 1. After I told him, I don't make decisions until 7 o'clock.

He called me. I went, hey, can you go on there tomorrow at 2 o'clock? I said, time to call me at 7. I'll let you know. to know now. I can't know now. Because if I get an audition, it overpowers the ADR. So we're having a waste of a fucking conversation. There's a waste of a conversation. Why are we having this? Bye. Click. This motherfucker calls me an hour later. How about 1.30? I was like, hey, guy, relax. So they sent me contracts to go sign because the contracts get renewed once a year. You know, and I, and then he

called again. I did it already. No, no, no. They want you to come down from the commercial department and the theatrical. They want you to fill out paperwork. I said, listen. You know how many times I'm on that side of time? Never. All right, just whatever. I'll get there when I get there. Yeah, but if I'm then they hit me with them.

Yeah, but if a row comes out, you won't send me out. Let me ask you a question. If Brad Pitt calls you right now with a roll for Fat Joey for 15 grand the week, you're not going to take it because of the contract is signed. Before you answer that, I'll see you on a See you. If they need the contract sign, sign it yourself.

Like, I just hung up on him. He called two, I mean, you know. You're the best. I just don't listen. You call your own shots. It's because we're way beyond this anymore. We are way beyond this. I've been in this town for 18 fucking years.

I heard all the rush stories, how we need this tomorrow and now. There's never a rush for anything. And no. Everyone's boss is just trying to get stuff to make it look good for their boss. Hurry up and wait, dog I was listening to somebody I was listening to Russell Peters on a podcast And he was saying how Conan said it wasn't

He wasn't right for his show And it was Pete Holmes podcast And Pete Holmes said Trust me, I had a show Conan never said that Russell Peters Wasn't right for a show It was his producer making the decision It's just crazy how people just make

I don't know They just make it well-to- Well yeah dude You're dealing with These people They have their own agendas And all this shit Why wouldn't

Russell Peters, the guy who fills arenas, be right for Conan? Right. It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Listen, everybody... I love Conan, but come on, man. It's Russell Peters. Everybody has whatever they want to do. Everybody has a different situation, you know? Maybe that producer wanted to hire Russell for something five years early. And Russell said no. Yeah, you never know, dude. That's how stupid it is. We don't like Russell Peters. Hindus don't do well.

Dude, don't do what. You never know what excuse he gives. You never know what's going to come out of their mouth. They got a new show on CBS that is a fucking direct ABC. That's just racism from the minute you watch that. Fresh off the boat? Yeah. Oh, my God.

It's this fucking, like if I was Asian, I look at it and go, what the fuck are they doing? Paula freaked out when she saw the commercial. You did? My girlfriend was Mexican. She didn't like her. Just because she saw the name, fresh off the boat. She's like, that's the most racist name. Oh, my God.

That is the weirdest, and it's a cute show. I'm sure it's great. You know, the Asians are at home jumping up and down. They're represented. Last Asian was Margaret Cho, where they told her she wasn't Chinese enough or Korean enough. You know, but when I saw the show and the name of it, I was like, what the fuck is going on?

You know, they'll tell guys like us were too blue for the more television. And then you put on Foco and he's... Two and a half minute? Yeah, he's cursing fucking chicks. saying sexual innuendos I don't give a fuck anymore that's why you're right I'm so happy that the podcast came in

the podcast has it took my mind off worthless shit that whole agency world and stuff I'm done with it listen I love performing that's all I want to do you want to give me the role give me the role if not

I'm not driving the Warner Brothers at 330 bro I'm not going on I love doing stand up the only thing I want to do is can I put asses and seats And even that, you know, it's just like, that's all that matters. And then it's just like, I just love doing K, I love stand-up. Everything's to do more. Everything's to do better stand-up.

There was nothing in the world that, that's worse than you having a job. Do they pay you well for? And this is what you have to do. This is what you have to do. You're stuck doing this. It sucks waking up and hating where you're going. And hating where you're going, you know. Eddie Griffin was a crazy comic.

Crazy, dude. I hung out at the county store. He had the top two movies, two top ten movies at the same time, dog. That's how crazy. And we were in that club with him hanging out every night. And he used to say some crazy fucking things that over the years are really settled. One of them was you got to stand up to be a comedian. You ain't supposed to have no job.

You know, like about having a daytime TV job. Like on the TV sitcom, he said, and then when he did it, I go, what happened to you? He goes, man. I got like 19 brothers reaching out for me, Brad. You know, you just, I always thought I wanted to do TV. When I got here, guys, I loved it. I loved it the first time I got a show. I think it was, in fact, it was a James Coburn.

But it wasn't network. I think my first network show was a show for NBC about attorneys. I remember that I left that going, this is cool, but I don't know. I don't know if I could do this every. I don't know if I, you know, when you get to those sets in your circle, there's 20 people and three of them you'd invite the lunch at you for 10 fucking minutes. That's 17 people you look at and you go, I don't want these fucking people. Either they're too fake.

And it's been like the last two years, every time I do a TV show, I get more and more turned off by it. Like, Marron was great. Brooklyn 9-9 was great. I did the show with the Scolard brothers. that I wanted to fucking hang myself on the set. It was bad. The people, the director was like one of those CBS directors

from 30 years that had done it all, but he was horrible at this point. He was just working on Eagle now. He had like a white hair, and he had the everything was perfect, his head was shaved, perfect, and he would play Bruce Springsteen loud. And I asked the chick,

what is it with this fucking Springsteen shit? And she was like, oh, he's personal friends of the director. He always plays spring stream when he's getting ready to shoot. I'm like, this is fucking cheesy. Unbelievable. ...about the fucking shoot, you know? So that's when I realized I started liking stand-up a lot more than that.

When I started realizing, I love movies, but I don't want to do no movie for 10 days anymore. That's brutal. The longest year, I was fucking brutal. After, like, October, I was like, all right, enough. Enough. And we were there until, like, December. You know, after you go into the same job every day, the same tattoos.

That's when I started feeling. And listen, I'm very lucky to be in the movie. I'm very unfortunate. But you learned. You learned that when I was a young kid, somebody told me something that always stuck with me. It's better to want them to have sometimes. You know, I was telling Leo DiAgostino.

I was a girl in high school. Oh my God, Sam Trippily, the first time this girl walked into a freshman algebra. I looked at the chunk over her pussy. It was ginormous. This chick had a fucking pussy in high school. freshman year that weighed maybe 58

59 pounds and she used to wear clogs it was a monster and I used to look at that fucking monkey every day and I never said a word to her she was beautiful she just had big hips

she was a hippie bitch and I would look at every day she was hot and I would tell people what are you thinking and they're like yeah she's hot and she was Italian she had a little mustache

oh man but you couldn't see it after people in some She got a fix, but she had a beautiful face. I love a fat ass. Oh, my God. And finally, like a month before my mother died, I hooked up without a party, we swapped spit.

I started playing with the top of her pubic hair. It wasn't even in her pussy range. Just the top. I felt like the top. Oh, my God. My head almost blew up. Then she wouldn't talk to me for a while. And my mom died, she showed up.

And then we're on and off friends for years. To make a long story short, my senior year in high school, we started coming around. And once everybody graduated, I caught that bitch off guard. But what pissed me off was somewhere in, like, my junior year, we were at a Joe Marries, the bar. We hung out with Lila jumped off the roof. And you peed on the dog?

And I peed on the dog. Why? You peed on a dog? It was her dog, and it was just lay there, so I want to see if it was dead. So one day, I would just take my dick out when I was coked up and I tried to pee on the dog, and I pee on them a little bit to horrible. I would never do that. That's when my life was going to fucking...

And what the dog did? Did it ever move? He just laid that. And then Lila would tell us weeks later. Somebody keeps pain on my dog. My dog, I take him home. It smells like Budweiser. Fucking horrible.

I was a horrible person. Horrible. Oh, you just didn't know any better, dude. You were just young, dog. We used to make dumb decisions. I was young. I had my... You know, I was angry at the world.

I would go in there and I hated Lila some nights. You know, some nights she was trying to... I got on and I only had 20 bucks. I want to buy some blow. I thought she was just, you know, gonna give me drinks all night. And take a five off the top and she would charge me. I get pissed off. A lot of you, you bitch.

Last night I came in and he didn't charge me for no drinks. So what happened until you were hooking up with that girl? So I went in there one night. We were all hanging out having a good time. And I said something to her. I said, I would like to take you out. She goes, that's never going to happen. And I go, what are you talking about?

She goes, that's never going to happen. That was a mistake that night we got together. Oh, no. That's never going to happen again between a girl like me and you. That was the luckiest day of your life. The luckiest day. And I looked at this bitch like, you have no idea what you just inside. I'm going to take you into deep, deep psychological, fucking waters.

So you know what I did done? I stopped talking to the motherfucker. We got into an argument one night about it. I just stopped talking to us. Cut her out completely. I did that for like a fucking year. If I knew she was going to be somewhere, I would not go there. I had her on a fucking battle roll.

Sometimes you got shut down. I shut that bitch down. And she finally cracked one birthday of mine. One birthday of mine, she cracked and came over. Then we started talking on the phone little by little, you know. And I never mentioned anything. But I always wanted, I knew I was going to fuck her and rock her world. I just knew I'm going to fuck this chick that that did this shit.

I was young. I'd maybe fucked one other chick or something. And finally, she started doing blow When we were in high school And that's how I got it That was the fucking weak point right there What is it about blow that chicks like to get weird on? Once she told me she started doing blow

I was like I got this bitch So we went to this club one night Not all of us, I saw her at this club And she's like, you don't call my house anymore What's the problem? You don't like me anymore? Yeah, I like you. I go hold on, hold on to this bloke She goes, well you're gonna promise to call me

I'll call you in fact, let's go out to dinner tomorrow She goes, fine, I had her I go hold on to this blow I gave like three grams of blow to hold. She was my bitch. You know what I'm saying? Once they hold your blow, they're your old lady. It's like sons of anarchy.

I gave them my blow to hold. I met in the next night. We went to a restaurant, Pink Alicimo. I got the lobster fraud Diablo, you understand? Yeah. 15-9. Big pimping. Big pimping.

They give you the big dish, shaped like a fish, beddling weeny, clams and muscles surround the dish. And in the middle, they got shrimp and a fucking lobster tail. That's a fish, extravagant. Again, super spicy. I took it for that super spicy. The whole fucking thing.

In the car, I gave a couple bumps for the digestion. We started to swap and spit. I took those panties off and I started eating that monkey. I called the timeout. I put a little Coke rock on a monkey like that chick at the union that night. When I got thrown out of there with the Arab caught me eating ass. Putting fucking coke and monkeys, dude. This chick was, oh, my God.

I loved her. I was really in love with it. Then we talked for like two days, went back and forth. I said the story the other day. I don't know why you're making me say it again. I'm not making me say anything. This is a great story. No, you didn't say it the other day.

I've heard it before, but you were saying the other day. I was talking to somebody about this the other day. But you said it was better to have than, no, no, it's better than the need than to have or something. No, better to want them to have. And it was funny that I was in love with this girl for four fucking years. I love with her. Like, I was infatuated.

I go home at night and throw black sabbatant to figure out how to get this bitch off my mind. I play sabotage back. with this shit megal mania oh fucking i was in love with this bitch but i knew i wanted to eat her pussy like i knew something was gonna happen and here i had her in a car eating her monkey were you an ass eater joey not at that age no at that age i wouldn't even i was eating ass in about 85 no i wasn't eating your ass way back in the day so i started eating ass like an 80809 my cocaine days yeah that's when you gotta eat ass because your dick don't work yeah you got to eat that ass you gotta eat that listen it's your podcast i'd never tell you anything but

But the story you were telling before the show about drinking coffee late night. Oh, please. I was loving it. It was just like you did so much cocaine that you would drink coffee. It don't work. I told people for years. Coffee don't work on me. These people would drink coffee.

Oh, my God. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Ten years if I shot this movie called the Mezos. And I snorted coke all night, Friday night, Thursday night. And that was Saturday. We were shooting in Pasadena. And I remember the guy goes, drink two Red Bulls. I drank two Red Bulls and fell right to sleep right after I felt drink this Red Bull.

And when I go back to a hotel room after I do comedy, whether it's Thursday, Friday or Saturday, I drink a cup of coffee. At night? Like we're talking like 1230. 1230. I smoke a joint. I decompress. I take a hit off the e-cigrant. I make a few notes about my set.

I feel it make a few notes about tomorrow. Go nine deep in the email? Pretty much once I, pretty much once. Once that cup of coffee is finished, 15 minutes late, I go to bed. Unbelievable. And sometimes it affects me in my dreams. Like, while I'm sleeping, I'll pop up like a fucking momo. But, uh, no, it doesn't.

I had a fighting dream last night. I literally a straight up fighting dream. And my girlfriend had to fuck out because I was asleep. Who did you fight? Who were you fighting? I don't even care. I can't even remember. I know I was straight up fighting.

She's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You almost hit me, dude. I've been in a lot of fight mode lately, dude. What you want to fight? I don't, um, I might be. Do you know Jason Ellis is? Have you ever heard Jason Ellis? I might be.

I don't know if I'm, I got to find out tomorrow if I'm doing his Ellis Mania in Vegas in a week and a half where I'm supposed to do fight for one minute in a box for one minute. And I haven't heard because he's like,

oh, I want you to dress up. I'm like, I ain't wearing costumes, dog. I love you to death by I ain't wearing costumes. But he's, I've always wanted to do the walk-in to the ring, dude. I've always dreamed of rocking a little run the jewels, man.

I want to run the jewels. I want it's called close your eyes. and count the fuck it's the song I want to walk out and I want to box for one minute. Who do they put you up against? Just a bunch of fucking five foot four Mexicans I said. And then he do comedy? No, no comedy. Just

straight boxing. It's a night of he... Dude, this guy Jason Ellis, you should have him on your podcast. You guys wouldn't fucking love each other. Dude, he's just... He's going to fight ten dudes. A new round, each round he fights another guy. He's just crazy. He's fucking crazy. How many minutes each round?

I think it's... I, dude, going to be two or three. I'm going one minute. And I'm just going to be sick. And he's doing 10 guys? Yeah. He's crazy. Alice Mania. Yeah. Who were the 10 guys? Anybody? No, dude, there were some real dudes, man. One is my

boy Kid Cope who was on my TV show back in the day. A couple other mixed martial arts guys and straight boxing. He wants to fight CM Punk in the UFC, this guy, because he is a legit fighter. I mean, like he's been training. It's got to be eight, nine years now.

I've known for everything. He's taking Jiu-Jitsu tie boxing. He's a good guy, man. He's this crazy Australian, dude. You guys would get along great. He used to party fucking hard, dude. Back in the day, Coke, all that shit. You should go for a round, Joey. Fight a little Mexican dude.

Are you doing Jiu-Jitsu, yo? Yeah, I've been doing it. How's it going? I love it. I'm going tomorrow, 11 o'clock. I've been taking tie boxing. I can't get there enough. I decide I got a... Dude, I don't have a 9-to-5 job, dog. I have a fucking 24-7 job.

Right, that's what nobody understands. Nobody, everyone's like, oh, you don't have a day job. I'm like, dude, I have a day and night and fucking way and evening. When you have an hour. I call it whenever I have an hour. Whenever I catch myself, I'm going, I could be doing something. Yeah, I call that my Whitney Cummings rule. I've laid in my bed going, oh, Whitney Cummings wouldn't be laying right now.

I got to go out there and fucking write something. I wrote on three TV projects yesterday. Come on. Yeah, yesterday I met with one writer for this one idea. We're doing it. I met with another writer for another idea to do it. Then I had to write this pitch that I got tomorrow. First other Internet series thingy that I'm kind of excited about.

But it's like, dude, that's all I do. That's why you got the new hair do? Yeah, got the new hair. I just liked it, man. I just chopped it. No, it's tremendous. Oh, thank you. You're very nice, dog.

It's completely different at the Frankie Valley. I'm trying to drop a little weight, man. I'm getting it all in here. No, no, no, no. You're looking good. I got the tits and gut. I got the gut rock. I already got to a dog.

I had to go do ADR for a movie today. I must have done this movie like a year ago. Jesus Christ. every time you do ADR you gotta face the man in the mirror you're like Jesus what is becoming me because I don't look at myself in the mirror I don't I just

move as I go I just put gel in my hair and do it and sometimes it works but when you have to look at yourself for long periods of time that's scary though you're like oh shit I thought I look good in that shirt pictures are the worst

no this is a movie well you have a video I'm sitting there watching and it's going wide on my watch of this shit and I had to aid you out like four fucking scenes and it was like I got fatter

in every fucking scene oh man it really is amazing guys what the and you sit there and go that's it and they show the picture of me with shorts

I'm like that's it stick a forked that's it I'm never wearing shorts and fucking public again what was I thinking I'm like that fat chick that you see a Walmart

with cellyloid and shit hanging out like a tampon string and shit and you're like why is she wearing shorts? There was a lady in Hollywood on Selma where I used to live that would always wear Britney Spears shirts

with a gut sticking out. Saw that yesterday, dude. And you want to go up to him and say to him, can I talk to you in private for a second? Why do you have that shirt on? Do you know how bad you look? Do you have any fucking idea? I'm not telling you that this would be an asshole.

I'm trying to help you out because people are driving right now. Look at that dumb fuck. And if not, they're taking pictures of you and putting it all over their Twitter. Instagram and all over their Instagram. Put a nice fucking shirt on. You're not fucking Britney Spears. This ain't fucking Hollywood.

This ain't fucking Vegas motherfucker. My buddy just passed away. I had to go back to Vegas for his funeral. He's a really cool cat. He just was in a lot of pain. I think he had to drink a problem. You know, not to be disrespectful, man. But dude, show up.

Dudes are at the funeral in jean shorts, man. And fucking like tap-out shirt. And I'm like, dude, you don't show up to, dude, I might be old school, but there's three times you fucking dress up. Job interview, funeral's weddings. Court. Yeah, court. Fourth one is court. You ever go to court?

Everyone's in fucking foo boo and shit? No, you got to go on. You got to go. Got to dress up. I got enough. I was, I was like, I am 13 and three in traffic court. Most of it, it's because, boom, I wear a nice little suit. And I cross-examine police officers and shit.

I've got off, dude. I was trying to make a move on this chick. We were in sunset and the traffic wasn't going. So I'm going to make a move on this girl. I undo my seatbelt. I go in the kisser, uprocks Captain Cockblocker, with his, just with a light, his flashlight, walks up to the car. That's how slow traffic is.

Hey, pull over. I'm running a ticket for nine and sit. I'm like, we're not moving. It's like, doesn't matter. So I go to the court and, dude, I'll yell motions. I'll try to get motions to miss. motion for continuance, motion for, and they're like, deny, deny, deny, deny.

Because I'll just listen to the guys who are dumb enough to bring a lawyer to traffic court. You don't need a lawyer for traffic court. You don't. It's either the guy show up or not, or you have a case, and you can argue it yourself. So I go there, motion, motion, motion. Nothing.

So she goes, tell us what happened. I start cross-examining the cop, and I'm zinging this dude, man. And you hear the crowd going, what's going? What's going? And the judge's like, okay, enough. Just tell me your point.

And I go, we're in the slow trap. It's not moving. It's dead sunset. Sunset traffic. Nobody's moving. I'm with this chick. First date, I take my C-V-O, I go make a move. I'm only trying to make a move.

We're not moving. He walks up to it. She asks him, is that true? And he goes, I don't know what's going on in the car. She goes, she starts quoting Shakespeare and love. And she's like, case dismissed. Not guilty. Case dismissed.

The whole court. Just explodes, dude. Someone finally beat these cops, man. And I'm walking out. People are high-fiving me as I walk out of the court, dude. I fucking cross-z-am this dude and won. Look at the shape of you at you. Hi, you again, Cogsett.

I am. It's a good feeling when you're going to go to court and fuck the people up, don't you? I win, dude. But now they're telling the cops always show up because they need that cash. So they're always showing up now. If you have a good attorney, it's good to have them. On traffic court, though? Yeah.

While I lived in Jersey, had a fucking monster dog. He was a psychological monster. He would just play with you. I had his shit. Jesus. Even if the judge, even if the cop showed up,

he still fucked the cop. He would keep you outside. He would keep you outside. He wouldn't say you were attorney or nothing. He was sitting in the courtroom went for him to call Lee Syatt. Lee Syatt. One more time, Lee Syatt.

And he would wait for the cop to leave and shit. And then he would go, your attorney. Lisa Hatt was here the whole time He didn't hear you call him. I called him eight times. We're right here, you're turning right here. What are you talking about?

Where's the cop? I don't know. He left. Oh, dismiss. Fucking tremendous. Old school. Don't leave me hanging. Oh, shit.

I would never leave you hanging, dude. I didn't know that, dude. By bad. I'm all into Joey, dude. No, you have to. And like, Heather McDonald's, her sister was a big-time DUI attorney in town.

And she had rules. Like, just rules that you knew. If you get pulled over, don't do this, don't give me your blood. Don't admit anything. Right, don't admit nothing, Lee, you fuck. Don't say nothing. Cops aren't your friends.

Joey Diaz gave me a star. No, you don't know nothing about nothing. Don't admit to anything, good. You don't know nothing. I don't give a fuck what they tell you that a test is coming with a mule. I don't give a fuck. Remember I had to ask you?

We were driving home from Long Beach and cops stopped like one row in front of us for like 15 minutes. And I had taken a viddy of you smoking on the way down at Long Beach and I got paranoid and deleted the video because I thought the cops were going to come. That was high as fuck.

I thought they were going to come and recheck my phone. You don't give nothing. Dude, I get, I get Armo lawyers, dude. If you can't, you know, I do this Armenian benefit every year for, I had a cousin who had bone marrow cancer. And, you know, she ended up being in herself. But her mother's, my cousin Michelle, incredibly smart woman, realized that there's no registry for Armenians because we're genetic hillbillies, you know. because we don't get along with... Armenia doesn't get along with...

We're Christians, everyone around us are Muslims, so there's a lot of hillbilly shit going on. If you understand it, which made our genetic makeup a little fucking, you know, redneck. So it's, like, very hard to find matches. So they started this thing. Well, for like 12 years now, I've been doing this big event.

We've raised shitloads of cash. So I get in some trouble. I get busted buying some fucking drugs. somewhere where I shouldn't. You know, shit's going bad. Dude, I call in, who do I call? Who's on the board? Gargos, dude.

Straight up, Garagos. And I call him up. He's like, Samuel, I know who you are. You help us with a benefit? How can I help you? And I just told him, it's like, boom, he just sends assassins, dude. And they were so badass. The cop who would bust me was crooked.

He was crooked. And they were asking for all of his files. And they sent down to fucking the union. chief? They're like, dude, nope, we're suppressing all that, and we're dismissing the case. And boom, who walks out? My Armenian jumpsuit dog.

Fucking like a champion. Like a doctor is shit. It's a good feeling when you beat them at their own fucking man. Dude, because I was shitting bricks, because I didn't want to get a felony because I can't transfer. That's why you always got to get an attorney, and people don't get it. Because they'll fucking rape you. An attorney could just twist

a couple buttons. Maybe he knows somebody downtown. Maybe she went the school with Paula and fucking USC, we got it in. Yeah. Have you been watching Better Call Saul? Do you see the first episode? No. It's not bad.

I watched the first two avant-garde for me. Why the way? The first one was slow, but the second one was pretty good. I was really thinking it was going to suck before it came out, but I was happy with the first. Oh, there was all those rumors that it wasn't... I just thought it was going to be a comedy, and I didn't understand it,

but it's the same guy. It's Vince Gilligan, so it's kind of creepy and cool. Because of What's His Face was the lead, you thought it was going to be a comedy? Yeah, I just thought it was going to be like a funny look at it. I think that's how they were first marketing. But I was pretty happy with it. No, I didn't know. We'll see, man.

We'll see. It's always interesting when they picked them up. They did it the right way. They didn't fuck around. You know, Joey spun off 18 years later. These motherfuckers spun off the season later. Yeah, turn and burn. That's how to do it.

And you can bring those characters. Every character in the old show that everyone loves, bring him back in this show. Whoever hasn't died. Right. Well, no, no, no, because it's pre-breaking. Yeah. Oh, it's pre-breaking.

So everyone's there. But it's kind of like what you were talking about. Bob Odenkirk is pretty well known, but he just went in there for, like, a smaller role and just killed it and killed it until they had to spin off a show. You guys could do the same thing when you're saying you don't have agents to help you or, like, when you shot the longest yard thing with, like, abused football health.

helmet. If you kill it so much, then they have their choice. What's weird about TV now is like one person can have eight shows. I've never seen that before. Back in the day, you had one show. Now it's like you see people on like four shows. And I'm like, wow. When I got here, the one black guy from Arles was on two shows. That's the first time I had ever seen that. I've never seen that shit. Ever. He was on two shows. He was on ABC. And the guy's back. He's on a show on Nick at Night, a kid's show with a black chick. Tremendous. He never did. You're like dog shit. You just take a little...

Stay in the mix, Doc. That's it. If you're good, you're just staying in the fucking mix. Don't shoot yourself. It was a great... Listen, Breaking Bad was a great show, you know, and I knew something. They just did everything right. AMC, you got to applaud AMC.

They're doing some good shows, and they do it right. They know what's working. You know, Ray Connell is in town. Oh, he's back. He's leaving tomorrow, though. He came to do what we're doing for Iron Dragon. He's going to do for Roku. Oh, cool.

He's going to do the recommendations for horror film. Oh, cool. So he came in. He called last night. He says he might go to the store later. You know, same shit. I'm going to call him when we get the fuck out of here. You know how we do it, though.

Let me get some shoutouts real quick. You get people all excited. It's a fucking Tuesday night. Can I also talk about my Valentine's Day show after your shout out? Absolutely. Ethan Buzzard, Scotty Shandell, Jeff Tellerman, Goose, Chris Boyce, Kurt Michael, Matt Baltazar,

Gene Smith, and Joe Pritzman You got the fucking thing of the day You put a Coke rock with some chick's asshole Which I always fucking love Love it Love to do coke out chicks assholes You ever done that Lee?

Nope Would you ever do it? Are you now a Coke guy? I've never tried it I've actually seen it a couple times Where did you see it? My friend's house that I used to work on a TV show He never did a little bump with it

He did a little line up now Do you like going fast? You like going slow I'm a fast guy I'd probably say slow to be honest I'm more of a weed guy than alcohol I'm a fast guy. So that's why I used to love that shit.

But now it's gotten so bad in L.A. They keep chopping it up. I'm just doing chalk at this point. Jesus. It's early on... I'm sober. Early on Lee, we were talking about corruption, you know. And if you've...

Like, I'm like... I don't react to it no more. React to what? Like when I hear stupid shit on the news. Like, if I'm watching CNN and a governor or this or that, I don't react to it. more. Like, for example, like, I know exactly what Al Sharpton does. He's an insider.

Right. Until somebody says, what do we need for you to stop yelling tripling? Five hundred thousand. They give him the 500,000 he goes away. You know, I know exactly what the characters do and what their purpose is. When you see them pop up, you know what the purpose is. Right. I came from New Jersey. I seen bad politics. For two years, every time Christy did a fucking thing, he talked about that guy, Sacco. Now he's getting excited by the feds

They're looking at him the feds You know, it's funny how he had this big thing about He was going to do this, he was going to do that But he wouldn't run for president There's a reason why because there's a fucking They got you now With the internet, you can't do a fucking thing And to be governor in New Jersey

You had to do something It's like Donald Trump Everybody said, oh Donald Trump Donald Trump can do a lot politically But he can't because he did a lot of shady shit Right That shit comes up. He did a lot of shady shit.

It's crazy that people look at Donald Trump and go, oh my God, Donald Trump put out people's lives. He killed people? No, but years ago in New York, with all the fucking bullshit, with all the construction in the late 80s and stuff, he was shutting people's lights out, man. He would subcontract work to guys

that would run up, you know, buy material from them, not pay the bill. So these little mom and pop. hardware stores went out of fucking business. There's a thousand Trump stories. If you read the Sammy the Bogovano book, he does a whole chapter in there about construction in New York.

How construction in New York worked in the 80s and 90s and how they were doing it. And one of the stories he tells us, he goes, he breaks down how the whole thing works. And he goes, okay, let's just pretend Trump. But I'm not saying Trump. Who he was talking about was Trump. You know, who he was talking about

in that book was fucking Trump. You know, Trump runs for fucking president. You don't think Sammy the Bull will be in that cell jumping up and fucking down, screaming. Oh, he just loves the attention. I got stories, you know. They're going to let him out. They're going to let him out.

When? Two years, a year. They're going to let Sammy the Bull out. That's it. He did his time. Yeah. He did his time. So we were talking earlier about the mom.

Are you worried that he's going to go back and start doing stuff again? Or is he so old. Oh, yeah. I'm worried that he's going to, I don't give a fuck. He's not going to be. He's 60 years old.

He's not going to... Why worry? I don't give a fuck about none of that shit. Is he going to go out? Who gives a fuck? You know, they put him in there. He's got no fucking hair left. You know, he's standing next to Cosby,

standing next to fucking Shug Night, standing next to the UFC. Karma served his fucking thing. He did so many steroids. You got that disease where you just shake. Not the... Parkinson's. No.

Something else. Multiple sclerosis? Something else. He lost all his teeth. He lost all his fucking hair. Oh, no. You don't only just kill 20 people and get away with it. You know, and he killed for fucking money.

I mean, he would do some horrific things, but he did him to people who didn't pay attention. He would partner up with you, and once the company became a millionaire, he'd shoot you. And he'd bury you, and he'd go out. I saw him last night. What do you mean? He didn't come home.

Oh, my God. We were eating bagels last night for dinner. You know, he was cold blooded. He shot his own fucking brother-in-law. Unbelievable. He shot his own brother-in-law with a hand the dog came into the living room with the kid's hand

because they dug them up a few yards away the family dog came in with the kid's hand into the living room when they buried them they buried the hand and shit the dog found the fucking brother-in-law but what are you going to do I had those people around me growing up

whenever the evil evil ones got close to me I felt them and I just fucking disappeared I was very lucky Lisa I was I was very fucking lucky I knew who those jerk-offs were, but I never really, I don't know. Like I said, I just didn't understand making $50,000

and I had to give you $25,000 to be in your club. Right. Do you ever wish that, because we talked about it a little bit a couple weeks ago, do you ever wish that either, not theaters, but like bar room shows were easier to do, like it'd be there that would be a better way to do it because how much, how some comedy clubs won't book you or how they don't want to pay, they don't, they want to say no one's there. How do we go from Sammy the Bull to comedy clubs? Because you're giving them so much of the money

And you could just go to a bar And just sell your own show But there's issues with bar shows, you said And in theaters you have to rent it out and all that stuff I just didn't understand the bridge over River Quire That cuck's sucker I didn't get it I didn't even know what the fuck you're saying

Because you threw me off here Okay I didn't know where you're coming from We talked about that eight shows to go Well last show What doesn't matter What's up with you Sammy? What's this?

This is Valentine's show. Valentine's Day. Harvelle's two shows, naughty show at this awesome jazz club in Long Beach. Super excited. Saturday night? Saturday night. All right. Look at you.

Valentine's Day. I could grow. What's Harvelle? Is that Sean the Eyes room? I'm not sure. I know it's deep or that runs it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're doing the room tonight.

I'm running over there after this. Then I'm going on this week. I'm going to do it. The host, the show on the eye. He's got the one. I had a glass eye. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Sean Leitham. Sean Leith.

Sean Leith. He's got the one eye. He's got one eye on you at all time. He's got, he used to be a fucking, he used to be a bartender. I met Sean when he was a bartender in Arizona. I had a fucking regular bar. Like, 10 years before comedy, whatever the fuck it was, you know. And now he's running a room in a long beach.

That's a nice room. It's great, dude. You have a nice time on there? I always have fun. And what's tonight? Tonight's their weekly show. Yeah. And then sadly, you're doing two shows.

Two shows. One and nine, 111. What's its seat down there? I think you pack like anywhere from 150, 200, 250, 250 standing. And Long Beach is fucking sharp down there. And they get it, dude. Oh, yeah. This area's nice, dude.

Long Beach has really come a long way, man. And they buy tickets to shows. Not like these fucks in L.A. Who want to fucking get on the, can I get on the gas list? It's like $5 to show. Pay five bucks. Help the talent. Make little cash.

Remember, brother. The guest list is something for people to say they're on the guest list. It's not about the $5.5. They get to call somebody and say, Harry, I'm contressed. My friend Sam, put me on the guest list. You're on the guest list? Oh, my God.

How did you get on the guest list? No, I got you. And they get all fucking, there's no guest list. Who gives a fuck about a guest list? I like when they hit me up. Is there a code? The code is fucking suck my dick. That's the code.

If it fits in the box, go ahead. You do what you do? There's no code. There's nothing. It's a 20 to get in. What are you're going to tell you? I don't fucking make the rules. It's not my fucking club.

Everybody's always looking. You know, what's a code? I want to get on the guest list. Nothing bothers me more than people who thinks they think that something really is out there. Like they really think something is out there. Like, oh my God, I went to Vegas, and

I sat in this VIP section. You're sitting there going, what did you accomplish? What the fuck happened? Did some chick suck your fucking meat stick? What happened? No, we just talk to people. Who gives a fuck? You want to talk to people? You want to talk to people? You want to

chit-chat room in your house and talk to people with your pajamas on and shit. On LinkedIn. Yeah, on Lincoln. That's shit. People trying to be my friend on that shit. I don't want to be nobody's fucking friend on nothing. People hit me on that new thing, Lincolnton, to confuse me and shit. It's a professional network for professionals.

All these out-of-work writers and actors and shit. I want to be your friend on Lincoln. The E-Race. I just get rid of everybody. I don't even know what Lincoln is. I don't even know how I became part of it. I didn't. I never joined.

I never joined nothing. It's like those Facebook groups. When they looked down, I was part of 18 organizations. How do you fucking this happen? Nobody asked me one fucking time. Nobody asked me one thing that you want to be a part of it. Cock suckers anonymous. I had to go through all of them and erase myself.

Some kid hit me up three days. Why did you get out of the group? Why? Because maybe I don't want to fucking hang out with you. You know, I want to hang out with you now on Facebook too. It's bad enough. I see you at the Y, staring like a fucking Momo looking around and fucking ugly chicks and shit.

Fucking Momos. There's a guy. At the Y where I go, he's a porno guy. An ex-porno guy, he's a creepiest guy in the world. He's about 60, and he wears a cut-off t-shirt, which always drives me fucking... I hate that shit. If you got big arms, put the fucking...

Take the sleeves off. But if you don't have big arms, put them the fuck back on. Will you please, you know, walk around like you know somebody? I go to this coffee shop. There's a dude. I know he does porn, because I used to watch a lot of porn. Don't really do it anymore. We used to watch a lot of it. You don't watch it no

more? No, dude. I'm just... I I'm over it. But this guy, I would always see him in the fucking Bukaki films. Lots of Bukaki. It was like 20 dudes, one chick, like jerking off on their faces. And I was like, where did I see that guy? Oh, damn, that's the Bukaki guy. You a big Bukaki guy, Joey?

I don't even know what Bukaki is. I thought it was like a cookie or something like that fucking Bukaki. What the fuck do I know Bukaki? We learn something every week, dog. I don't know about porn. You guys know all about it. I'm over it. I'm fucking embarrassed.

You're not over. I'm over. You're still addicted. I'm the fuck, you kidding. You whack off all that shit. You people are disgusting. This fucking guy, too, wax off watching porn. It's great.

He watches Mexican porn and shit. Mexican porn's good because they just kill him at the end. That's the way the all should be. They just shoot them for reals and shit. They shoot like the gun. They show like a body with fucking blood splatter. Oh, unbelievable. That's how you want to come, see your girl get shit?

shot? What come? I come in a minute. I don't give a fuck who gets shot. So you just sit there and watch the rest of the video? No, I've never seen it. I just heard that Mexican porn, they always shoot the fucking woman at the end. In real Mexico, not this shit that you people are watching them. Real Mexican porn, they shoot the bitch

at the end. It's all snuff? Huh? For real they shoot? Yeah, fuck the bitch. It's done. They shot a love of pussy. I even those fucking snuff shit. That's uncomfortable. Do they really make a lot of snuff films? I don't know, but you never seen the stuff No, I don't want to see no chicken fucked and murdered.

That's my favorite. What's your favorite one? Shoot me in the pussy when you're finished. That's the thing. Putting down snatch. Oh, my God, that's disgusting. Yeah, right? I watch Miami Vices on every morning at 6 and 7 on the Elway Station and 5.

I think it starts from 5 to 8. So sometimes I got to wait in the mornings. like, I don't want to fucking go out of the computer. Let me just sit here and write with a free hand. And I put Miami Vice on it. It was a real interesting one the other day about an artist who had one. In fact, the chick was, Jesus Christ, today's Miami Vice, had Chris Cooper and the chick from Pretty Woman in the same fucking episode.

Wow. What's the name? Julia Roberts? Same fucking episode. What? He plays a dirty cop. Julia Robert plays the fucking Kingpin's girlfriend. The one I'm talking about.

Which was the one I'm talking about? Oh, the one I'm talking about. Kelly Lynch plays the model. Hotter than fuck. 20-year-old Kelly Lynch, taller than fuck. She plays the model. Oh, shit. Al Pacino's girlfriend in Carlito's way

plays the sister. And the dude from CSI Miami plays the artist, like the half a fag artist. Unbelievable. And they fucking make a snuff film, and then they have to prove that the chick is still alive. So they get Kelly Lynch to play the chick. chick, but the chick's sister

shows up and baffles the whole fucking police investigation and says the sister hasn't been home in fucking weeks. I can't wait until TV guide could just be that. I could click on it. I could watch that 30 second video of you describing the show rather than just the text.

Keep it coming, cuck-sucking. This ain't no dream no more. It's coming together. You know what I'm saying? That's how we make things happen. At the fucking church or what's happening? Now, what else you got going on? How many weeks you got on the road? You're going out? You're staying in. Not out as much I want I was cooking with gas

But this last like month and a half's been a little slow But I got a couple offers coming in So we'll see what happens And you got the punch drunk love Doing punch drunk with Ari Shafir Loving that And what's the other one you got Well I do the naughty show

But I'm just kind of fucking feeling it out What I want to do I did this I used to do the one that you come Came on but It just Vicky wanted to do her own thing And Gareth got really busy So we just kind of said

We'll take a break and just hustling, bud trying to sell sponsorship shit getting sponsorship for live shows that's what I'm good at and just try and stay above water pitching shows trying to be fucking Joey Diaz

I'm no pitching no shows though I'm at home minding my business I don't give a fuck look at this poor guy this fucking Cuban kid tested pot so yeah you know I put that video up

I'm a major junkie when we had them on and we were talking about what went wrong So what happened? Are you, does your podcast, whenever you talk with the MMA guy, does it go, I see it on an MMA junkie. What happens to you, they listen or do you say, hey, we had blah, blah, blah. We had the host on. We had the host on.

So somebody cut and made a YouTube clip and put it on about what's going on with MMA and all this stuff. And then, you know, today there's, but it's funny. I was telling a friend of mine this morning before anything. I told him a friend of mine this morning, and he asked me if there was a fight this weekend. And I said, yeah, I think Benson, Benson, Henderson is a fight. and that kid scratch, strat, whatever's doing. I can't say the name. Well, there's a Beltor fight.

Do you watch that at all? No, no. I'm talking about U.S.C. And he goes, you know, when I watch it, but he goes, I'm not really feeling it no more. He was, it's funny. There's a kid at work that said, that said he's done with the pay-per-views for a while,

that this last one. It always seems when you buy the paper-views, it's a bad fight, or not internet tank. And then, he goes, my other buddy's kind of, you know, I know a sudden I, when I left this morning, at 6 in the morning, there was already chit-chatter. from Ariel Hwani and Hector Lombard. Hector Lombard said he woke up to a text from Mario Hwani

telling him his fight was off. He got fucking, he didn't find out, like from the U.C. He found out online that his fight was off. He didn't know. He woke up, didn't know what if Rory McDonald, and then I left when I came back in the afternoon, that's when I seen all the positive report until he had come back positive.

Unbelievable. And this is the last thing they fucking need. Now, when was the Rory fight? I don't know. I think it was going to be May, maybe? No. April? But it's what we were talking about. How did Anderson Silva still get to fight?

And this guy got the fight canceled. Well, this, the test came back, but it even took a long time. It was January fucking 3rd. It's where they sent in these tests to it. I told you, when I was in a fucking halfway house, the test came back. If you tested Monday afternoon, that test was motherfucking back. that test was motherfucking back Wednesday morning, Jack.

Turn and burn. Don't know by Wednesday morning of you. And then they test them. As soon as it flags positive, they already send a fucking email where they call just to let you know. Tell that motherfucker that sits tight. It tested positive.

Then they tested twice. They break the piss in half. They test it again, and you get the result two or fucking three days later. That's what I remember in 1988 and 89 when I was taking P-test. I think they've moved forward, correct? everything in life has moved forward.

We now have a phone with a fucking camera on it, walking talkies, and calendars, and I can tell what the fuck you are. Well, dude, Matt, and this would be the second pay-per-view in a row that they let that happen. They let John Jones fight when they know he tests positive for cocaine, or not cocaine,

but whatever you do to digest. Cogaine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't matter. Cocaine. Yeah. Where does that fight? I'm trying to find which fight he's in,

the next one. Because he tested a pot. Oh, it's 186. Okay. 186 is April 25th. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. In Montreal, where Roy McDonald's from, that sucks. Yeah, that does suck, man.

Who's he going to fight? Maybe they'll put Diaz in there. He needs another fight. No, don't put a... There's a couple people who could go in there. Tyrone Woolney could go in there. Mm-hmm. He just fought two weeks ago against Kevin Gaston.

A couple people could go in there. They got plenty of time for that. Yeah, well, it's a couple of people. What's the name of the dude who fought Nick Diaz and was evading him? Like the first dude to do Carlos Condo. Carlos Condo, is that the same way to us? He needs a fight. And they want a match up.

He's looking for a fight. He's looking for a fight. And you know what? He beat him before. Yeah. That's it. That's it. That's the fight.

M. A psychic. Because Carlos is on two days ago. You need to get really high. Carlos is on two days ago saying he was looking for a fucking fight or whatnot. So there you have it. Listen, it's just, it's just, it's just one. one of those things that the knocks keep coming.

They thought that last year was bad. This year is opening up. Not good. That card in L.A., and that's the thing I've been saying since day one. It's the law of fucking diminishing returns. It moved too fast, too quickly, a little too quickly, and people couldn't catch up. You know, they confuse some people. You don't know if the fight's on Fox 1.

Fox, you know, Facebook, just put it on one fucking thing. Just put it on one fucking thing. At PX. You know where it's coming from. And, dude, there's no off season. That's the big problem. Like, the NFL, this is our first week off. And it's, you're like, oh, you're like, you're starting to Jones for it again.

You don't get that with the UFC. UFC is every month, all the time. At least sometimes. Every week. They heard some weeks where they had two fights going on at the same time in different countries. Like one was fight pass and one was. They got to build a, yeah. They got to sit.

You're going to have these fighters, like these certain fighters have the, They're only for pay-per-views or they're on Fox, you know, the actual network. But, you know, it's like, don't be sending like Michael Bisbing to do a fight in China. You know, you know, I want to see him fight on a card and a real card. He's a good fight. I don't need him fighting in China, watching money on the Internet. It's that fucking way. You got to, you know, you're going to work smart.

But it's like money, money, money, money, money, money. You can't do it like that, dude. Got to pick and choose. Because you can't have just, the problem is, when you only have one good fight on that card and that fight goes down, you're fucked. That's why they have to have Anderson's a fight when he's popped or John Jones fight when he's pop. Because the rest card isn't strong enough to still get you to buy that card. I was just thinking about it. I've never had a good time when I've bought the card.

I was thinking because you're probably thinking, is this worth the $60? I've had good times at friends places where I threw in 20 or when I went to go get wings or something and watch it. But I was just thinking when I bought the thing on my cable, I never had a good time. They want to throw up, and I'm a huge UFC fan. Dana White, classic guy, nothing but the nicest dude. Everybody's very nice. You just sit here and go, who's making these decisions to spread yourself out that thing? Who's there watching this register?

If you're having a fight in Las Vegas, who's in China watching the fucking register? You know, I want somebody there. One of the fatigators are me there. right or only what the fuck you're Jewish somebody's got to be there yeah my fucking like counting the numbers like the Greeks they always bring their mothers because the mothers are the only people they fucking trust

they don't even trust the fucking wife but my point being that it's just too much and you're right it's just they don't have enough pay-per-view fighters you have to have two or three great two great fights and one fight that you're like huh that's fucking interesting I know him and I know him

I don't know much about the sport but I know he's a what's that shit type people do, oh, they fight, oh, and he's a jiu-jitsu guy, so maybe they'll knock them to the floor. People know that. People get an educate. Remember, Fox is to educate people. Yeah. Fox is supposed to be educating people. People who wouldn't get a pay-per-view nine hundred ten fucking times. You know, that's what Fox is for.

They have to, they have to market fighters. They have to market them. Like, this Connor McGregor thing is obviously a man from heaven. I mean, his personality, people want to watch him fight. But, you know, it's like, There's other guys that you just got to let people know about them and get interested in them. The hype machine has the hype some of these guys. So I know who the fuck they are. Listen, if I paid somebody $50 million, can I hype Sam Tripoli right now?

With all the hype, what could the hype do for you? You've been in this town 15 fucking years after me. Yeah. How many people do we know that have paid $5,000? Hype doesn't do nothing. Okay. It's everything has to meet at once. everything has to meet at once.

We all know Connor McGregor's great. You know what, after that fight against Daniel Porrier, give me fucking what people want. Give him the winner of whatever Frankie Egg gets. Jose Aldo. No, we get Dennis Sieva. You're trying to catch him up in the Jiu-Jitsu world.

And I get it. But don't throw it in my face. This is all I said last week. You know what? You, me, and Leah Comics. We all get a deal in Montreal. We're all having a good time. You know, deals with, whatever. Maybe you get a half a mill.

Maybe I get $300,000. Maybe Lee gets $100,000. How would you feel if you woke up and you saw the President of Fox and Lee and Vegas waving out the fucking thing? You know, you know, you'm saying? So you have disgruntled people.

I don't like when there's disgruntled. What's good for Lee is good for fucking Sam Trippon. I get you. In an organization. So how can Conne of McGregor go up in front of Chad Mendez and go, look at me, I'm staying at the Fratita Hotel. the penthouse when you're staying in the fighter hotel right there what's frankie egg you're thinking what's Jose Aldo thinking i stay at the mGM when i fight they put you at the fatita

hotel another picture i saw him drinking a coconut with Dana white i've never seen you know Frankie egg you're drinking a coconut or Jose Aldo doing a fucking coconut you know the way he they let him talk to people and i'm a fucking connor macgregor fan he's a good fucking fighter he's a great But I just thought it should have been handled differently. You know, it all started a lot with the Channel Sunning thing, when you were talking to people like that in Brazil. You know, hey, man, two people do it out of fucking 80 that are killers. What does that tell you?

If I went around all day going, you know, oh, Sam Tripley has to follow me tonight. Fuck that bitch. What do you think about tonight, Joey Dears? Fuck Sam Tripley and fuck the rest of the show. My goal is to go in there and fuck them up and so they can't fuck. What the fuck? are you talking about?

Listen, Sam is great. I'm a great father. We'll see it, whatever. Hype. What are you going to hype? Like I said, they've been hyping Sarah Silman since we got to this time.

They've been pushing Sarah Silman over the fucking border since we got to this time. She got five million Twitter followers. Gabriel sells more tickets than fucking Sarah Silman. I'm not putting down Sarah Silman. Do you understand what I'm trying to fucking say to you?

So for 15 years, they've had this machine behind Sarah Silman. Yeah. and this fat little Mexican dude is selling more tickets to anybody else in the fucking world and the fucking Hindu you know how much push does the Hindu

how much push does the Hindu get how much push does the Hindu get? How much push does the Hindu get? How many commercials have you seen for Russell fucking people? Unbelievable right? So it's all word and mouth. It's like Aero Smith and 75

there was no Twitter I'm back in the saddle there was no Twitter you gotta fucking rock it out there was no Twitter so if you're good people are going to react to you If you have something that's attainable, people are going to react to you.

How many people have we moved here? How many comics have you seen that zapped you right up and we're going to be superstars? They're gone, brother. They're gone. They just, is it luck? No, it's how you handle yourself. You go to shoot your load.

Maybe you stuck your finger up her ass first. You kissed her neck. You lasted. When I look in the mirror, and I know I'm in L.A. 18 years, I'm blowing the fuck away. I'm not the best comic. I'm not even a great comic. I'm a mediocre fucking comic.

I just lasted here 18 years. Everybody came, went. Oh, that really sucks. It's for faggots. Okay, it's for faggots. I'm going to make a living here. Yep. I'm going to make a living here.

I'm a faggot. Watch me. And I bet all these other people are fucking faggons. You can't push what you... That's what people understand. You can't... There's no really hype machine. The hype is you and that room.

Or you're on the stage. You're right. But they're trying to make the hype machine with like CM Punk. I was going to ask John Lewis, but I didn't want to, we're having such a cool conversation. If I tell you guys something, would you be mad at me? No. I don't even know who CM Punk is. He's a wrestler who's using it from, I don't know where he's from.

W.W.E. Well, yeah, from W.E. Apparently he was really good and they fucked him and he left. And I'm sure he's a great athlete. But they shows just how much about money it is. Because otherwise, why not put him in Bellator or King of the Cades or one of the other small ones and just give them like a deal or something? Because... Why have him right up there?

Dana wants that Brock Lesnar publicity, that Black Lesnar was the last of the guys who could sell a million pay-per-views. Nobody else can do that. I think Erringson Silva might have got... GSP. GSP. Those three guys. No, no. There was somebody.

Oh, what's his name? Tito. No, no, the other fucking guy. Tito or jail? Chale was killing them for a while. Yeah. Chale killed him for like three or four points. Chale did it too. Chale did it too through hype.

I'll never forget. You guys want to see something interesting at home? Find the, find the Kane Velasquez. Brock Lesnar fight when Brock Lesnar loses. Watch the end. When Dana White puts the belt around King Velasquez, watch his face. Just not excited. It's not excited at all.

Oh, that's the whole thing about... You don't need to even be a psychic to know what day this thing. thinking I put so much money into this big fucking lurchy fuck for him to get beat by a fucking little Mexican what the fuck is the world coming to? You can see it. You can see it. I put millions into this lurchy fuck

for him not to get punched in the face for him to go down like this. Why do you think Ronda fights so infrequently? I mean if there was one point in which Ronda who was a great fighter had more movie roles than fights in the UFC

because she's such a cash cow that he doesn't want You think he wants Cyborg to come in there? I think he can put as much makeup on that chick as they want You know and I like I like thick chicks But it's like you can put as much makeup as you want

It's Ronda is a cash cow He doesn't want her to lose He loses Ronda Rousey It's like it's gonna be hemorrhaging It's a bad situation Lee look at the fucking shamey Yeah speaking of Ronda Rousie She looks tremendous on that sports

Yeah I love her I'd knock the bottom out of it I saw it yeah I don't I didn't know what, with her, and then there was this fat model or something in there. Piss me off. I don't understand. There's porn now. The only time I ever got excited about the Sports Illustrated Swimster Edition was when I was 12.

It's symbolic, that's why. It's traditionally symbolic. But the fact that they put this fat chick in a bikini, it's like, if I want fat chicks and bikini, I'll go on Match.com. I don't need to see this. You know, it's... She's cute, though. Dude, I bang more fat chicks than anybody here. She's a...

But it's like this is meant for like, it's like, I like playing basketball because I want to play in the NBA. It doesn't mean I should be in the NBA. I can't dunk. I can't fucking shoot. I love basketball. But if you put me in the NBA, it's going to ruin that product. You know what I'm saying? It's like, Sports Illustrated, whether you like it or not, is still a competition for who's the Hajj chick in a bikini.

A thick chick is Kay Upton. She's a thick chick. but that's hot and sexy The big chick from salt and pepper In the bikini, that bitch will bang your world I do All day ever Like that jelly ass and shit

Bouncing, stop it Women don't even want to see fat chicks Yeah, but a big woman and a fat chick Is something different Like something about a big woman That's always Like a Montempo The chick who books the improv

That's a big motherfucker When she first came on the scene That was a sexy motherfucker Aaron Bon tempo She only had the one kid that And she was recently married You know what I'm talking about? Yeah

I remember Montempo Rocky Rock your motherfucking world She had some big ass titties And a great smile That's a big woman I'm not saying She should be in sports Illustrator

I like to see her in a fucking bikini I do too But there's some women that are just big and sexy I'm not talking about I like Viking pussy Yeah I don't know a chick that looks like me With Rose under her bikini

That's something completely fucking different And that chick is attractive But is that sports illustrated No, no, no, no, no, she's attractive. I see what you're getting. I'm coming from somewhere else. I see what you're coming from. It's a product and you can't just because you want to play football.

No, no, but there was something about it, and I know that we dig deep. You and I take a ride to Iowa and we'll see one of those six-foot-one, 165ers. Dude, I love that. You'll look at them and go, oh, my God, that woman's fucking beautiful. Look at that face on it. First of all, the prettiest faces God has put on women are on those Vikings, so guards have to scratch their head guys. I'm like, what the fuck do I fuck?

What do I do? Let us throw out of me out the window. They're fucking beautiful. Let's get the fuck out of here. Lisa. I want to give a shout out to my people over it on it. What do you call it? Optimization.

Optimization. That's the fucking word. Optimization. You want the best that you can be. That's what Alpha Brain does. That's what Shroom Tech does. That's what fucking the tea, whatever, coconut oil does.

The testosterone. The MCT oil, I think? The MCT oil. They don't fuck around. They want you to be the best you can be. Go to honor right now. Right now. Don't fuck around.

Look at the minerals. Look at the vitamins they have. Go to the box. Check out something. Press in the box. What? Church. Church.

C.H. You are C.H. And get 10% off. And they also have to stay on a program. It gets delivered right to your house. I'm a motherfucking monthly on the first of the month. Stop fucking around. Iron Dragon TV.

You're sitting there going, Joey. Friday night, I don't have no plan. Saturday I'm going to take the wife off Valentine's Day. I might take it the Sam show. I'm going to get my dick sucked in between shows. I'm going to take it to a nice Benihana. But Friday, I want to save money. What do you got from you, Uncle Joey?

Go to Iron Dragon TV. What are you put in the box? Joey. Joey, you get two free classic kung fu films. The It Man Series. Listen, there's too much to even fucking spit up. Just do me a favor. Go to Iron Dragon TV.com.

Do yourself a favor. This is a whole different thing. If you like the UFC and you like people get bit slapped, classic kung fu is for you. You want to giggle from time to time because you'll see strings and shit. You'll see Godzilla fall from the fucking sky on the wrong set of a kung fu movie.

Shit like that happens. Go to Iron Dragon TV right now. Dave Foley's putting some beautiful shit together. They got a couple movies that are 4K technology. Listen, go to Iron Dragon TV right now and press in. Joey. Boom! Get two free fucking movies.

You're sitting there. You're sitting there, you're uncomfortable You've ever been sitting there, Sam? You're sitting there uncomfortable Something's not right You gotta pick your underwear out From between your fucking nutsack And the cocoon that lives under your asshole

They're wrinkling up When you go to take a shower You take them off And there's little speckles There's holes in your underwear But a lot of people don't even know where to start A lot of guys don't even know where to start They go to get jeans

They go like fuck I forgot to get underwear You know you forget to get underwear That's over Go to meondees.com right now They got underwear for men and women. They look tight. They're tight on you.

I'm going to Jiu-Jitsu tomorrow. I break out my Miondi's. Why? Because the nut sack don't pop out of the fucking underwear. On top of that, if I sweat, it contains it. I don't have leakage going down my leg. This nut...

Swamp ass. This swamp ass mixed. No. The material on the Miondi's pulls out away from your skin to keep everything fresh. There's no shaving. I'm not scratching my ass on a plane. Unless you want to.

Unless I want to. Unless I want to. It's a complete different fatwa. When you got to scratch it. Sniff it. Go to Meandes.com right now. Look at the selection they have for men and women. I'll tell you what, it's a fucking bargain.

Go to the box and press in. Joey. Boom. 20% off. Your first order with free motherfucking delivery to Canada and the U.S. That's how we roll here. Go to Meandis right now, today, tonight. Don't fuck around.

If you order tonight, you'll get it by Valentine's Day. Meandes.com, where they press, Joey? Boom! You get 20% off. Also, this is the one I love the most. All right, so I give you. On it, some nights I give you a fucking Iron Dragon TV. Tonight I give you me undies.

This is the best one I get for you, because this one is absolutely free. F-R-E-E-free, dumb motherfucker. Go to naturebox.com. You understand me? Health, nutritious, delicious snacks. Nutritionalist approved. Stop going to that fucking vending machine

and getting that who got shit, the cookies, and the fucking lifesavers. You don't need that shit in your life. Not when they got fucking... Nature Box delivering directly to your house. Not one bag, not two bags, not three bags, not four bags. How many bags leave? Five bags. Five fucking bags. Deliver it to your house for free.

And you're sitting there waiting for fucking a bluebird happiness. He ain't coming. But Uncle Joey's showing up with some fucking nutrition and some fucking snacks for you. You understand me? That's how I make it happen. Do me a favor. Out of respect. Go to NatureBox.com.

Get your free fucking sample pack. It's fucking free. There's no strings at that. There's no credit card. They send you three. medium bags and two big bags. What ain't pressing the box? Joey. Oh shit.

J-O-E-Y. Boom. Get yourself your free fucking sample box. Who's better than you? You got underwear, you got a kung fu movie, and you got pills to make you think right. All right? That's all you get right now. Don't forget I'll be at Cap City, Thursday, Friday, Saturday,

and at the end of the month, I'll be at Indianapolis. A cracker's bringing down that motherfucker. It's been a long time. Last time I went back to Indianapolis. I smoked crack there with some black people. That's my type of fucking city. I want to thank my man Sam Trippel.

Don't forget to go to his show. Down in Long Beach down there. What's name of the club? Harvel's, my friend. Harvils, that rames at Carvel. Two shows. 9-11. Where are the tickets?

Brown bag? No, go to Harvels.com. Carvel.com. Harvel. What fuck you left? Joe, you're the best, dude. And don't be fucking. I don't want to be nobody's friend on Lincoln, John.

No more. I don't know nothing about professional network. You want to be a professional? Tell fucking Don Colioni to call me. Cocksuckers. Have a great weekend. Have a great week. Happy Valentine's Day, you motherfuckers. I love you. Cocksuckers. Stay black. Joey, you're on fire tonight. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sample of great tasting, healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels.

Go to naturebox.com slash joey. That's naturebox.com slash joey. Also, go to meetundies.com.com. slash Joey to get 20% off of your first order of men's and women's underwear and for a limited time they're giving you free shipping in the United States and Canada. Go to on it.com and use code word church to get 10% off of all of their great optimization products, alpha brain, new mood, shroom tech, sport, and all of the hemp force protein products. And go to iron dragon tv.com. Ion dragon TV is a brand new Roku channel with all your favorite martial arts movies.

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