The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #257 - Matt Fulchiron, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: February 17, 2015

Matt Fulchiron, Comedian and Host of "The Full Charge Power Hour" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio This podcast is brought to you by:    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  You Would - Janet Jackson I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Achilles Last Stand - Led Zeppelin Recorded on 02/16/2015

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And they also sponsor Tim Kennedy. So, you know, they run with cool people. It's Code Word Joey to get two free rentals. Unbelievable. Kick that motherfucker Lee. It's Monday night. Oh shit. February motherfucking 16th.

She's walking around with a sore ass from Valentine's Day. At least I hope so, Coxuckers. What? Kick this motherfucking mulee. Kick it. Oh shit. Oh shit. Little Janet Jackson's that black pussy.

Tasting good with that fucking brown nipple, tremendous. What? What if you had her and Michelle Obama in the same room? Kick that up, Lee. Oh shit. Eat the cookie exactly. No, I just had it. That's okay.

It's a weak start. It's okay. It's only fucking 25 milligrams. I gave you a... I heard you on the fighter and the kid. That was these. The ones I have in my... bag.

Take a piece of the Lugnant. Brought to you by my people, Anarchy Edibles. What's that little midget piece? I got to eat the whole side. I got to survive the same. What fucking? Eat that's a little midgettee.

Eat that fucking cookie. We're training for the Olympics over here. Yeah, we're going deep time. Let's go. The Olympics are being high. Right here. This piece. You're fuck.

Give me that little piece back. That's for fidgets. You got to take this piece. Here, give me that. That's for me. Take that. Why is that pretty? Why don't you have the small piece?

Because I'm already over my carbohydrate limit. You know, it's funny. I didn't think we're going to put a dent in that backpack, but shit's going pretty well. We ain't fucking around tonight. I think the edible was dropped off a bag of death from. No, I told you, delicious as fuck. It's way better than the other kind.

I told you. With some milk in that motherfucker? You dip these in the middle of nightly? Who's better than you? You'll sleep like a fucking baby. Probably about half an hour. But you didn't bring milk. We have room temperature water.

I got some milk in my nutsack. How about that one for it? We need some tea. THC milk to go with this. I still got it. You can't stop the DS. There's nothing you can do about it. Great to be back.

What's happening, Matt Fulchran? Nothing. I just got back myself around 1230 from West Palm Beach. Took a nap. Brought my ass to North Hollywood to party with you guys. Do we have a surprised guest this time? It's just going to show up. Oh, yeah.

That was embarrassing as fucking. I'm sorry about that. No, that was fun, man. There was something different. Exactly. Two fucking people. How was West Palm Beach? It was fun, man.

Sold out shows. I was working with Whitney Cummings and lots of fucking people there. You know, Valentine's Day is never the most fun in the world. But it was still pretty fucking good. I had a great time in Austin. They were great fucking crowds. Austin's a great city. Great people.

See him spooky. Seeing your boy. Andrew Miller? Andrew Miller and his girlfriend. Looking good. He gave me a little devil with a fucking long tongue so he could massage your muffler with it have a good time. Make sure it so good.

Did he make it? Did he make it? I can massage my muffler? Yeah, yeah. He made your special tool, you know, just for you. Austin's a great fucking city. I was very fortunate to be down there for Valentine's Day. It's great to be home.

I'm home for fucking 10 days. That's the best to get home. Yeah, to just get home and deoxidize. And today was a light day. You know, not a big day today. I went to Higgins Jiu-Jitsu. You know, and I was thinking about you today. I was thinking about you last night.

I called you. Then you told me on the road with, Whitney, you also go on the road with Tash. Sometimes, yeah. If I'm local, I'll give you a hot. Of course. You're one of those guys that you're right there. Right.

And in your mind, you get frustrated because I was there. Sure. People fucking calling me and shit. People think I'm funny. Right. What's going on? I come fucking, where's Robin Williams in this new show? You know what I'm saying?

Who's fucking, what's my new TV show? It's just a... It's one of those things you got to roll with, though. And I'm sure, because I've been lower on the totem pole than this. And I'll fantasize. about the times when I was even lower on a totem pole. Like, ah, that was fun, though, rolling around Hollywood. Like, before I was getting paid or whatever, just fucking doing shows just for fun.

And I'm sure I'll feel the same way about this part of my life, too, where it's like, ah, should be headlining a lot more. I'm ready to make the jump, but, you know. It's weird. You're just waiting for that push. Exactly. That little push. And for me, it was the longest yard, where people now are, like, all right, now we have to headline them.

So you understand, like, there's little things you got to do. But today I went to Jiu-Jitsu And Higin was there And one thing that Higin teaches that Nobody, he teaches big guy Jiu-Jitsu You know, if you go to Cabrino who's at great school He teaches Jitsu for guys like you It's 170 pounds

Right There's Barambolos and more fucking spiders And all this other shit With big guy Jiu-Jitsu like me and Lee He wants you to conserve energy So every move has to be swift And when he sat in that chair Where you were there

He was talking about how Jiu-Jitsu Really enriches you your life after you start thinking about it. Like you start thinking about the moves. And I was thinking about it today how comedy is great at this point for me. You know, and you'll be there also

because you're on the right path. This is the beginning of the journey. Yeah, man. Opening up for people, different people calling you, people calling you for avails, somebody submitting your tape for Conan. Even if you don't get it, it's fine. Somebody submitted your fucking tape. That means you're in the game. I remember having

The talk of rent is easy when I have. He had been on 20 auditions, and he was in producer sessions, and he was never going to book a show, and I go, you're on the pad. It's just, you just got to fall, you know? Yeah. And as a comic, I know that 10 years ago, you know, stand-up-wise, I'm working today the way I am because of a road I got on 10 years ago. Right.

I think about two years before I got off the blow, I got serious about writing. And even though those last two years of blow, dark for me. I was still writing some good stuff. I just wasn't performing at late. I would think of something and I and then I got off the blow and those jokes started working for me

but it was two years of writing in a closet that you need to get a jump on. There was so much wasted time when I first moved to Los Angeles right is what I'm trying to say. If I could do it all over again I wasted 10 years of time hanging out talking to people by dick

when I could have been utilizing time. Those two hours there you could I'm writing. Yeah. It's amazing what you're getting those two hours. And in the beginning, I used to just sit with a notebook and put Lee Syatt, Flying Jew, and sit there for two hours looking at that, trying to think of a joke. Do you understand me?

Right. Then I figured out, wait a second, if I write out a story, it'll make it easier for me to write that joke because I'm massaging the muscle. I'm using the muscle. Right. That's when I really started moving forward in my life. So I started writing stories and I started writing more jokes. But it's where you're at right now.

you're in a beautiful spot. I know, man. I'm to the spot that you're talking about right now where I'm working on it every day. Whereas when I first started out, I didn't know about the discipline. You met four guys and went for coffee and you drank and you talked about, yeah, well, I wrote this joke.

Yeah. After the news, you wrote two jokes. You took a nap. Fuck the girlfriend. Once you start making it the priority, and I have to do it first thing in the morning. Get up, have my coffee. That's what I do.

Do some writing. It's amazing how much, even if you only have 15 minutes, how much better that is than nothing. Nothing. As long as it's about every day. It's about doing it every day. Same with that class you're taking. What's the most first thing part?

Because in normal jobs, you have like a yearly review and they have to work on this or you get promoted. We get a daily review as a comedian. That's true. But you get an audience review. You don't get like a boss review. You get both. You get like a customer review but not.

So many times club owners give their review. Oh, really? Of course. It's not even asked for it. It's not even valid, but they'll give it. you know That's great Yeah

Yeah They were all fucking safe You guys are restaurant Managers Calm the fuck down Yeah All of a sudden They become

All of a sudden they become Fucking Bud Freeman Yeah And that's when my shit Shuts off I know exactly Who's Bud Freeman I know who's faking the fuck

They always talk shit About the last guy That was there A week before They always find something To talk shit about Of course they're not Talking stuff about us

When we leave Yeah they love you They run their game and we run ours Exactly They run their game and we run ours You know And it works Somewhere in the middle it works

As a comic at one point You go home and you go I have friends And I'm making a lot more than this Why am I making this? It's all about It's a business You might say I have friends

That are not funnier as I am And get a lot more money It's about numbers At the end of the week It's drink sold versus anything. They don't give a fuck if they sell 10,000 tickets

and people go there and nobody lasts run out. It's out of their fucking hands. Right. They sold 20,000 million drinks. You follow me? So it's a business. And that's what young comics don't realize.

Man, I'm killing at the store. How come I'm not headlining out there? They think it's a funny contest. Because they think it's a funny contest. I thought I had the same concept going on for years. You know, I knew guys that would fucking avoid me. You know, like fuck him.

We don't follow him. or don't put them on a show, you know. When I get to a club, the guy would say, Hey, man, I tried to put you on this room, but the Atlanta booked. Right. He didn't want a dirty guy, but he didn't want to follow. Right.

You brought a guy that was dirtier than you, but, you know, little things, you know, you sit there and you get it. Were you for pressure to be, like, more Hispanic? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You know, you have moments in your head where you doubt yourself, and you go, well, maybe I'll try to sell it Spanish. But I'm going to tell you something, they feel the funk. They know.

the fuck you are as soon as you. And if you don't know who the fuck you are, they'll let you know. That's when you get no laps. Until you get your voice, you don't get the laughs that you really get. You just scrapping for anything. You get laughs. You get laughs. You get laughs. You'll get a ton of laughs.

But there's a different laugh when you're really, you're writing for your voice. When you see Bill Burr, he's writing for his voice. That's it. That's it. Yeah, once you figure out who you are, then everything. It might not be the funniest joke in the world, but the fact that people know who you are, they're like, oh, yeah, that's a real thought from this real guy.

Is that why sometimes I'll think you had a good set and you'll be pissed off? Like, sometimes you've talked about because you forgot to say something, but sometimes you think, like, the laughs aren't genuine? Is it not genuine or is it just not as hard as it could be? I didn't do as good as I could have done. I fucked around or I did something wrong. I came out the wrong way. Sometimes a comic come out and he might step or say something. or just a little bit of ego, and you shut the audience off.

You know, I never understood the comic going back and forth with the customer and arguing, calling him a cunt. I never understood that because you're stopping the show. You've got to work yourself out of that shit. Don't think I didn't do it. I'm not saying I didn't do it. I fucking did it. That's how you fucking learned not to do it.

You know, I used to talk. I picked up that New York horrible habit in 1994. Right, crowd. working stuff? Yeah, how you doing? That's a horrible habit to get involved in. Yeah. Every fucking occupation has a horrible habit. When you play basketball and you're a forward, the worst thing you can do

is put that ball back down on the floor and dribble it and go back up with it. Grab it and release it. That's it. Every time you dribble that ball, the defense comes to you. It's a fucking magnet. Every occupation has a fucking no-no. Would stand up to me, to me,

that I got caught in it. I got caught in it for three or four years. I got caught until I moved to L.A. And I realized in L.A., it's not going to pan out. You get away with it one night at the Empire, at 11.30, at the store at 1. But you're not going to get away with it at 8.30. It's only going to go so fucking far. Hey, how are you doing?

Where are you from? Did you shave? That shit will not fucking fly at 945. And it's definitely not going to be on the Tonight Show. Yeah. So you're definitely not going to be working the bleachers. You just lose it. And once they come to see you and you do that, bam, that's it.

They walk. It's really fucking, they walk. so you learn different things along the way I was doing comedy for five fucking years with no idea like most people at three years I fucking got an agent and shit and five years I was still lost

fucking lost it is weird as a viewer to see crowd work in a special because sometimes when you're at the store it can get funny because you can actually see them but I've seen a few specials where they have substantial crowd work and I'm not you can barely see

the person. It's here, there. It's the camera from the show with Tracy Morgan and the chick. They talk to you here and it bounces over here. Then it bounces back. That's that avant-garde camera work. Don't work for fucking stand-up. That lost of you going to him, you just lost him. You just lost

of you at home. You just broke his fucking concentration. I never figured it out either. But man, I picked that habit in New York doing open mics in 94. You know what that happens from? What? Laciness. Well, it's also like a New York standard too Like almost everybody does crowd work

With laziness Because it's quick laughs It's quick And you can get into something And it's a 50-50 It's a way to make a connection It seems like a magic trick sometimes People are like wow, he really fucking quick

Meanwhile he's told that joke 15 billion times It's a setup He knows how to set it up He knows what he's doing What would you say if there's a comedian listening Who does a lot of crowdwork Is there not a number?

Nothing good that comes from it? Well, some people are masters at it. Jimmy Brogan's a master at it. Yeah, I think Ian Bags a master at it. The master's at it. Rick Ingram's pretty good at it, you know? But it goes so far. It goes so far because the standard is for you to go up and tell me something that I don't know.

Right. You know, if you're doing a 45-minute set, you deter it at the 32-minute mark and talk to somebody while they're dropping checks, I feel it. done that. Sure. That's a mastery to start talking to them with that dropping check.

Because you're going to get no laughter anyway. They're just looking at the bill. Ha ha ha ha ha. $62. Fuck that.

Oh, fuck. This motherfucker sucks. This guy sucks. This guy sucks dick. He was good for 20 at the door, but for 64. So now that's the gift.

Now how can you get them out of their head? How can you get them out of their head when they get that check and they're looking at that check? That's what young comics never added

to the fucking thing to your own. on stage and you see it happening. Where was the first time you saw it happening? What? The check drop? Yeah. I can't remember. I just know that like any jokes I was doing weren't really working and I just stopped because I didn't want to waste anything.

Yeah, you don't understand. It's like wait until they're done paying and then you can get back into it. Then you get, then once they go on their wall and they drop it and now you get them. Now that's the gift. Picking them back up again and ending with fucking 29 punches. That's the gift.

I always hear headliners complain about check drops. Are there no clubs who like... There's a couple. Have a couple come on after or maybe pre-buy the drinks. No, well, there's a couple of people that do check drops after. Jim Norton. Jim Norton.

It's definitely... Yeah, well, there's also like the Acme in Minneapolis. It's a club that's like a standard. And why don't... Why don't more clubs do it if everyone hates it? They don't want people to run out. Yeah. They lose customers.

Again, they're not concerned with the comedian killing. They're concerned with getting paid. And people can run out a lot easier if the check drops at the end. A lot of fucking clubs, and let's get a lot of clubs in the colored nature. Bro. To be PC. I'm PPC. Up at the comedy store on Tuesday nights, the cops are always there.

Somebody tries to run out of the tab. Is that Black Knight? Black Knight, you know, whatever they want to call it. What does they call it? They don't call it Black Night. They're dining dashed motherfuckers. Those black people with Dining Dash in 2015, like they don't give a fuck. And I know Miami into Miami Improv, there was a cop always there with dogs outside.

Just in case. Nobody fucking ran out of a tab there. There's some club on those nights that they... They have fire hoses. No, they give you a fucking ticket, and that's how you get out of the club. Okay. They give you a ticket that you paid the tab. So that's the only way you get out of the club.

So it's different things. Me, do I prefer it? I learned to work around it. I learned to work around it. It's a way of business. It's part of the business. And after you die, dirty times doing it,

you figure it out. That's when you may go, you know, what's going on with you? Right. Now you get them. Boom. Now you're going to your last 10 minutes or you're set.

A lot of comics come up with like a check drop joke. Check drop joke. You know? He says every night or the thing. I just play it by year. These are the things you go along with experience that you'll never know.

Like there's guys that try to fake the funk, like they'll feature one night and do 38 sets, and they go, I'm ready to headline. Yeah. And they'll call the club in, like, North Dakota, and make up all these stories and said, and the newspaper came to see him, and they got a fake fucking review, and they do a paper machet, and they print it on a thing, and they send it, and this poor bastard pays a man, and this kid comes and dies a slow fucking debt. Plus, the big death is once the checks come, and he fractures up on stage.

How are you doing? You want another cookie? No. You look like you're fucking stumbling and mumbling over there. You're fucking. He looks good. I feel like I'm stumbling and mumbling. You know, you're looking good tonight.

What's going on with you? How was your weekend? It was a good weekend. I had a fucked up thing happened yesterday. What happened yesterday, huh? No, I was just going through my bank account. I found someone, I must have made a mistake and thrown away one of those high-interest checks the bank sends you, which I've never ever used. So someone sent $730 bucks to the gas company.

Someone went through your trash and then paid their gas bill? They must have. I mean, Joey thought it was someone who. come and clean my house, but I haven't had anybody clean my house over a month. I guarantee it's one of those fucking Marines that came over like this fucking

It's been over a month This guy's in acting. And they just did like two days ago. He shot three guys in Vietnam. But Valentine's Day was awesome. What did you eat? I took the mom and heard it in and out

when you're happy. What'd you eat? Just double double with fries. I tried getting them well done. Still sucked. Hold on. You don't like an out burger? The burgers are good.

The fries, I don't like. They're too thin, and they, like, they have nothing. It's like, there's nothing in the middle of it. It's, like, just air. You ate them, though. I ate half of them. I honestly, I don't eat the In-N-O-Rise. How long did you wait to you when you got the wings?

Like seven hours. And how many wings did you get? I got the small, whatever that has. And whatever Buffalo Wild Wings has. I think it's like eight. This is all Valentine's Day, in and out and Buffalo Wild Wings. Because we've been on a diet since June. Okay.

And we haven't had anything like that. Gotcha. So normally, I'd be going, I'd be dropping $200. but luckily. Y'all got to set up the candle on the fluorescent lights. No, we were going to go see a movie in between all these fast food things, but there was nothing out. Because we had this plan since like October.

So she had mentioned wanting to go to Lachma, so I took her down there, which I thought was going to be a cool idea, but apparently so did every other boyfriend in Los Angeles, which I didn't realize. It was a Saturday, too. Yeah, I didn't realize the museum was that packed, but it was cool. I don't really ever go to museums, but it was fun. You guys want to go in and out right now?

Fuck yeah. Is that edible hitting you? It hit them. Yeah, of course. That's part of simple. Of course. What am I? A robot?

A museum. Yeah. When does it happen with you? What's, you're always talking about knowledge and I got to see some cool art? Fucking museum, Lee. When does that end up with you? What's wrong with the museum now?

I'm going to go home and Google a set of Jew balls and send them to you. You used to be a criminal going to night classes. What's wrong with a museum on a Saturday? My point, okay? What is Saturday night? I did have Dick Night on night. We went at like four in the afternoon, or three in the afternoon.

I had Dick Night. You drove downtown on Valentine's after all we dismissed. So it was like a 20-minute drive. Why are you? What is wrong with you lately? Are you just... So what advice have you been giving him? Don't...

There's no advice to give him. He's the softest man in America. Every night is Dick Knight. It doesn't matter what she likes. There's no subway. What else? Nothing. Not.

No. There's no ranch. This guy, it's amazing how it's just amazing. He gets talked into every bad thing I've ever heard in my life. I feel bad from like, after the first time you get burnt as a match, you know where your girlfriend's at. You pull her a single look. Right. I ain't doing that shit.

If she ever breaks up with you, you're going to be like, I took that bitch to the museum on Saturday. You don't do that. Valentine's. You don't do none of that shit right now. I got Dick morning and Dick night on Saturday. You got nothing. You got nothing. Fifty shades of no. You got 50 shades of women.

I didn't go see that movie. You don't like her asshole. You didn't come on a cheek on her face and nothing. That's what Valentine's is about. I know you. You probably fucking come in your hand when she's sucking your dick. I don't come in my hand, but I don't aim at her cheek. You don't blow alone in her mouth.

Nothing? You filthy. In her mouth, yeah. No, you probably come in the tissue and you wet. No, but you're like a blow. Not during sex. I just. Eat a cookie.

You fucking embarrass me. You look hungry. Why don't you eat a cookie This is a good cookie It's a delicious cookie But I'm fucking stoned out of my mind already That's all right I got a package of thinnets at the house

I got one box What type of thinnints That's all It's just thin mince A fucking museum Don't think we forgot about the fucking museum What's the wrong with the museum You've never been to a museum

Not at four in the afternoon The fucking Saturday What else you want to do? What do you think you do? What do you think you do Lee? You already dealt with fucking terrible shit all fucking day From in and out with grandmine

The fucking wings, the fucking a cookie of bail. How long did you wait at PJs for a seat? No, we went at like midnight. There was no one there. Come on. We waited like 20 minutes at Buffalo Wild Wings. But there was a Kings game and a UFC fight, so it was busy. Listen, the guy gave you a fucking robe.

She loves the robe. You should have given her a robe and taken her home and lit the robe on fire and fucked it to the robe burnt on the car. That's what Valentine's day is. Just set it on Viante When I was up into the ropes You know that chocolate with the cherry in it? Sure Your finger a little bit

Get that monkey wet And you put that cherry in her monkey And lick that motherfucker To the chocolate melt Send her mother home first You see what I'm saying Then you send grandma home Put her on the fucking bus

You're an embarrassment to Jews I should rip that fucking flag down Why? There's not one Jew that takes his fucking Girlfriend and Mom To know fucking in that burger Yes or He tells her walk behind me like my wife

You ever see on Beverly Boulevard You ever see Jews walking together? No. You see the Jew, the man of the house walking straight. You see the woman in the back like Rocky's wife. And they have to fuck through her sheet. Who gives a fuck? But that's all that matters, right? Or wrong? He light that sheet on fire. You light that shit on

fire. You shit. Bark, motherfucker. You're slipping, cugsucker. Bark, motherfucker. So, so how long did a mom hang on the day? 20 minutes. It was lunch. We went to lunch. Then we went to the gym.

Oh, okay. And you went to the game. Jim. and then we went to dinner and uh... No, when you go to the gym You sit on the epileptical next to her? No, we never stood there next to each other What does she do?

She does the elliptical Just a different one She goes fucking fast You ever see couples jogging together Isn't that the fucking worse? Absolutely any day You'll see him in a lot But it's worse when guys are next to each other

They're loud At least when a guy and a girl next to each other They kind of... I mean like running through the neighborhood They go jogging together It's like y'all can't be apart For a half an hour It's fucking embarrassing

That is embarrassing He knows I'll shoot him He knows. I bought there, like a vigilante. I'll pick him up as he's walking. Joe, I shoot him in the leg. Joey's got people out there looking at you, man. He doesn't have people.

He just doing it. You call Joey, like, he was on Wilshire today. You just have, like, little rotations for all your friends. You look, surveillance. I go out. I leave the house early, man. Yeah. Fuck, yeah.

Get out there. I know. I see on Twitter. It's 80 degrees. Whenever I'm up early, I see your ass up early as shit. And you guys used to do this podcast at 6 a.m. Right. Yeah.

For a year, I don't know. I don't do that anymore. You know, it was rough. It was fun, but like, those people who do that shit. No, if Lee came to me, if a station came to us and said,

we want you to do morning radio somewhere, that's morning radio. That means you're paying me enough. There ain't no comedy Monday through Friday. Right. You follow me. If you come to me and say, I want you to do morning radio,

well, this is what I do on the Thursday is what I do on Friday. You got to cover that. Yeah. If that's the radio, all we shoot two, which isn't going to work. Right. Morning radio is morning radio.

You got to do it. You got to talk about the topics of the morning and the day. That's what they need to do, so I would do it. But to do four days a week, when you've got to get up at 3.30, you've got to be in bed at 7. And if you have a live remote, that throws your whole fucking schedule off. You know, you got to go to bed at 7 every night, so your fucking machines working all the time. Right? Four hours, seven and a half hours and get up at 3.30, that's at the studio's around the fucking corner.

What if you're a half hour away? You got to drink coffee. smoke cigarettes, gets a reefering, a couple of stars. You got to go to bed at 4 p.m. Every goddamn day. I know people who do it. I know people who do it. Yeah.

I had an aunt who worked for the IRS who would go at like 3, 4 a.m. or something because you got out by 3 or really early so she could be home for our kids. A lot of people do it. 4 a.m. Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah. And I can see you doing it here. You think about doing it here. It's easy, crazy.

Right. Do that shit in Boston now where you got to go outside and fuck. can blow towards your windshield. Yeah. I call my mom today. She said there's people who just don't have their cars because plows have just been going by

and packing them in. There's a parking ban, but they literally, even if they wanted to get to their car, it's behind like 20 feet of snow right now. How many inches? My mom in Worcester has over 100. And it's not even the most.

Like 96 had like 110. And it's going to come again on Friday. It's coming again tomorrow for like three inches. Oh my God. That's... Lock, man. And I lived through those winters. 20, 30 years ago on the East Coast,

I lived through one of those where it just kept fucking snowing. Yeah. It's like every day. And I have a Facebook friend who I went to high school with him. And he went to jail a couple times. And I keep seeing pictures. He has like a station wagon with a long fence tied bungee cordets to the top of it. And he's just going.

And him and his brother put up a job posting. They were paying each guy 200 a day to help him because they just had so much work. So a lot of people were working right now. Sure, they're shoveling snow. There's work to do, yeah. There's work to be done. Hey, listen, when I lived in the snowmast and I first moved up,

I used to shovel snowboard. Me too. For 12 an hour. 12 an hour, Jack, and I'd be casing apartments because it was the apartment building. They'd be doing me a favor. I'd just be seeing when the drug dealers were coming and going. My boss's name was Joe Coffey.

The apartment building was Creekside. Remember that time you wrote a check to the gas company from a check you stole? You son of a face. No, no. $700? $700? Oh, shit. No, that's it. I was in a check.

check guy. I was never a check guy. Being a check guy or like a car thief, you're in there. They got you. Yeah. They got you. There's no turning back. Yeah. Especially now what the camera is. Yeah, especially now with the camera. Yeah, it must be brutal.

You can't do a credit card no more with a fucking camera. That was my bread and butter. Credit cards. Finding a fucking credit. Tonight I was looking at for cards. I was looking for a business card. I had a stack of them. I put in one of those clips. And when I was looking through him, I remember this guy, I lived in a building,

in 85 for about a month. Yeah. A friend of mine said, listen, you could crash here. So the super of the building was across the hall. This is the weirdest thing. And this is a fucking jersey. The super of the building was across the hall. But when you, it said, come in.

When you open the door, the keys to all the apartments were on the wall. And then you rang his doorbell. What the fuck? And it would take them three, four minutes. Hey, what do you want? Right. There's no water tonight. Turn it back on.

You know, whatever. And one night, one afternoon, I got, I didn't have a job for a week. And I got fucking bored. And I said, what the fuck is going on already? And I took the key to it. It was like the three-flood house. And there was a chick that had gigantic tits on the third floor. Like at the bunny ranch?

I used to snort coke and jerk off to her. She had like a fucked up boyfriend. She was hotter and fuck. Yeah. And one day I went upstairs and opened up her apartment. I went in and the boyfriend had a big desk. And I opened up a desk and then had a stack of credit cards with the clip in it. Like diners club and every gasoline company.

This is 19-fucking 85. And I would take like his American Express and I'd go to like Chinatown, spend 200 and come home and put it back. And they jerk up on them titty's all over. I do that. I got his hourly. You know, I knew him and her were home. And I would go up, knock on the door, open up, go into his office, take a card, use it for the afternoon, bring it back and put it in the fucking thing.

I did that for about maybe two weeks. Yeah. And then one day, I said, what am I even putting them back for? What am I wasting my time? I'm going into this guy's apartment every day like a fucking moron. I just started taking him and I just started rank that. But now, since I was doing that clip today, I got a flashback of that. like that God, I don't have 30 credit cards.

Somebody think they're in this card clip and take them all. It's fucked up. Do you ever feel bad about that one about like stuff like that? I just remembered that late tonight. That was the first time I thought of that in 30 years. That was 1985. Sure, I felt bad. Sure, I felt bad.

But you didn't pay for it. It wasn't like you pay for it out of your body. Well, they said they have to do like an investigation. An investigation. I felt like, I thought they were like accusing me of writing a bad check to the gas company. They are. They are. They're going to get you. They're going to come over, beach and throw you in jail for an afternoon. That's why you got to eat cookies straight through it.

You eat this cookie. Eat another piece of cookie. I thought you're talking about good cookies. I'm like, why are you talking about? Mind-numbing. One little piece. I'm good. I'm good. I got some of my pocket if I need it. Oh, shit. I'm pure pressure and Lee, but I'm a lightweight.

Come on, Lee. Take it another piece there. I can't. We're going deep tonight, conced. I love it, but I can't. I'm going to die. We got about four nights to go out. I'm sick. We got about a big week this week this week. A big show at Giveshouse Wednesday night.

Really? Yeah. For us? Oh, wait, no, no, you're doing a role in the show. Yeah, we're going to have a good time. You're not going to stay home? No, I'll come. All right.

Don't we have a podcast on the day? Who knows? I don't know. What's what the questions? I'm talking about nighttime. What's the possible? Oh, shit. Look at you fucking dick in the things all the time.

That's a good cooking. It's delicious. No, really, because most stuff with weed in it tastes terrible. That's a good cookie. Somebody breaks your home. Can you teach me how to do the bark thing? Yeah, you've got to cover your mouth. You've got to cover your mouth.

And it's got to be from the back of your throat. You've got to put a lot of air through there. Oh! Oh! That's fun. You have a piece of cookie, and then we'll teach you how to do the bark, right? It takes practice. You can't just jump in.

You can't just get it for a try. You have a lot of experience. Your girl, Opie Spooky was there looking good. I missed. Your boy, Daniel, was there. He gave me the fucking. Andrew Daniel. Daniel was dead. I'm high as fucking. I remember that.

Andrew fucking... My boyfriend, fucking Dallas showed up with Cuban pastries again. Oh, is that. Dave Wilder. No, no. Oh, he came last time. Yeah, he's a good dude, man. I got to send him a little fucking camp package. He's a good dude.

Y'all know a guy named Uki Spooky? Do you hear that right? Very cute. Twitter name. Yeah, she showed up. A lot of people. It's nice not going out and you have this relationship with some Twitter people. Yeah, man.

You know how Ryan Cavasos came out. Me and him have been playing. playing, you know, fucking, whatever fuck, email tag for a year on Gmail. I need to go see Uki-Spooky because, like, her picture is like the picture that fuck me up and made me go on a diet, like that picture I have with her, where my head looks like it was, like, blown up from the inside. She was swollen like me. You're not swallowing no more.

Let me see the crap. Give me a little crab pose. Yeah. Look at you. Break out the old bay. Let me see a front double-biset blast. Just what you were doing. What's that?

What you were doing? Oh, this? No, the other one. There you go. Look at you. You're a beautiful man, Lee. You're a fucking... So that's who you started in Baltimore?

I didn't start doing stand-up there, but I spent some time there. Where did you start? L.A., like a fool. And then you went back to Baltimore and you fell in love? No, no, no, no. I grew up in Southern Maryland in the sticks, went to college in Baltimore, moved to L.A., started open mics in the Valley in 98, and just fucking work my way up, man.

And then you went back to Baltimore? Never went back to Baltimore. Then what the fuck you're saying when you did comedy in Baltimore? I never did comedy in Baltimore. Did you say that today? I thought he said something. I live with Baltimore. Who the fuck knows?

I've done it out there, but I never went back. You started comedy here? Yeah. Yeah, just like fucking Tripoli and Segura and these other fools. We started out here. Actually, Trippley didn't start out here. No, he started in Vegas. But Segura did?

Did he or in Columbus? As far as I know, he started out here? I think he started out here from the podcast. I didn't know that. I wasn't fucking sure at all. Hey, man, it's a tough racket to start out here for me, but once you get over that hump, it's okay. The good thing is there's a lot of open mics out here,

and you're way more off the radar than people say you are. If you just do open mics in the valley, fucking Bud Freeman ain't seeing your ass. Nobody's seeing you. No one's seeing your ass. Now, who do you remember from 90? Anybody around back then? That's still around now?

When I started, when I first, first started, like the first open mics I did, Tripoli had just moved to 10. So he was doing all the open mics too. Kira Sultanovich was around. She used to always be a... Kira's a fucking hustler. That's one thing you can't take from.

That girl was out. Yeah, I saw her. Every fucking night with a notebook and a hand. I used to sit there and go, this fucking girl. I love it. When I see a woman work that hard, I fucking love it. Because most of them, you know, they want to sell their tits and have a boyfriend right for them.

but whatever the fuck they do. Some girls, like, I'm not playing that shit. Homie, I'm going to fucking free. Homie don't play that fucking shit. I'm doing my own game. While I'm talking about women, I'm not going to shout out. I'm sending a birthday shout out to Saratiana. Yeah.

I couldn't get a baby, so I forgot. What's the name? The babysitter left at three today. So we could go down to a party over at, uh... Where's the party? Buster. Oh, no shit. From four to eight.

Wait. It's a daytime party? I get shit for going to museum and you were going to go to Dave and Busters. With my child, with a fucking one. She's too young for Dave and my wife. David Busters is like. For a comics birthday who did the podcast and is very cool. That's a work part.

Not because somebody said, I want to go to the museum for Valentine. You said, okay. And you went down there like a fucking half a homo. You know, look at all the other guys that were there. See if any other fucking guy wanted to be there. In your heart, you can look at me as a man and say you really wanted to be in a fucking museum on a Saturday or 4 o'clock. All shoulder to shoulder, looking at paintings. You don't understand.

It was fun, though. It ended up being fun. It was fun, though. So it was getting shot in the fucking asshole. That's fun, too. You know, it was really fun. It was parking at the museum on Saturday. This guy gets talked into the worst things ever,

that I've ever seen, ever, ever, ever in my life. The Internet Park sounds good. Especially at the point he's in. Oh, yeah, that sounds great. That sounds good. That sounds, all that shit's easy. It's the other shit he gets involved in. I'm sorry.

I don't give you to I love you to death. I don't give a fuck. You're going to regret this shit three years from now. You're going to see why. He doesn't know. Right. He doesn't know.

He thinks that what we're telling them is like, you know, we're just telling you this because if you don't grasp a hold of this now, five years from now, I should grow away weed. And by that time, when she tells you to go, fuck yourself, don't come crying to me. Why she's telling you? Because you're the guy that wants to do everything she wants to do. And eventually a woman says,

looking for a fucking man. I'm not looking for a fucking hologram that's here to wipe my feet. That's in a fairy tale. Women want to know their fucking place, Lee Syatt. So always remember that. She's going to meet a fucking attorney. It's a man and she's going to go, this guy, because he has a fucking voice. You have to

have a voice as a fucking man every once in a wall. And go, you know what, Valentine? I'm not going down there. I don't need to go to no museum to see you. All right? What am I? Da Vinci? I'm Lee Syatt. Radio personnel. Yeah. You want to go to go to radio? You want to go to a a radio shack and got a fucking VCR.

Now, practice saying that. I'm Lisiya at Radio Personality. So what's going to happen? And make your muscles when you do it. What do you think is half a couple's? What do you think happens to couples? Well, I don't want to do it. Because you didn't establish yourself in the beginning.

I'm not doing that on a Thursday, dog. You do that? He's 20 bucks. Do you like the bus? Hop along. Let me give you the wrap. Let me give you the rap down there? You like the bus.

Sure. And I see us all the time. I saw, I'm going through this with friends. Francesca, the Agostino's sister. Women love that shit in the beginning for about a year and a half. Then when they wake up and they go, I got a mop over here. I tell this fucking moat what to do. Right.

And he does it like a fucking slave. It's not too late to shift gears. No, so now you have a problem. Now you're going to go, I don't want to do that. She's going to say, well, you've changed. You've got to fight through that. And now you've got to fight through that. So if you tell them who the fuck you are from day one, you never have a problem.

Listen, I want to go to your museum. Like, I want ten fucking black guys fucking maniacas. All right. Let's be honest. level for you? Same level. Now, repeat after me. You know, at three years, when you have a

child of a, that's different. That's a museum. You get the hat and go see electronics and pirates. But with a grown fucking woman, a 24-year-old woman, there's only one thing to do on a Saturday afternoon. And it ain't the tarpitt. Yeah. It's Dick afternoon? Dick afternoon or Valentine's.

What did you get that studio apartment for? To sit there by yourself? No. To give a dick. Dick morning. If you should live in a tent. We have a tent. We had Dick morning. I know you.

I did. But you had a vagina museum. Vigina afternoon. Yeah, but you have vagina afternoon. You gotta get it together. There's more dicks and vaginas, then. Sure, you're a fucking legend. If not you're going to go, what am I dating this guy for?

I might as well just get a butler. To run my feet and do what the fuck I want to do. Letting them know their place is a very harsh way of saying. Let everybody know their fucking place in life. You know that? What the fuck? You think it just starts at home? You don't tell everybody.

I didn't tell everybody. my wife she was a peasly slave. I explained, you know, I told that she, I didn't want to come to the comedy shows with me. Yes, that's a big one for me too. I had to tell them from the beginning because I made a mistake with another girlfriend. I finally, I finally get the- Do you follow me? So all we're trying to tell you is what to do now because-

That's a good idea. I'll try it. You have to try, Lee. But the problem is I don't mind doing a lot of this stuff. Because you're a half a fact. That's why, because you might as well put wings on. You want to go for, how many the truth. You want to really go make macaroons

This is what Macaroons, no When you were in college You sat there one day And you said you know what Cooking class was fun Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah

How many steaks have you cooks Is that? It was like two weeks ago Yeah, all right Nothing All right What about the other one What'd you go for?

Crapes? That was fun Yeah, that was fun How many crapes Have you cooks Is the class? Like one Nothing

You haven't cooked the fucking thing How many crepes Is she fucking cooked None? None, then what you go To the fucking class for? So at least you have that In your back pocket

How many macaroons that she fucking makes it then. How many steaks did she cook than then? None. What's the class for? For fun? No, fuck for you want fun?

Get a hat with a propeller and get a water pistol sprinkling her asshole. That's fun. Run around the house. That's fucking fun. A cooking class is so you got this now, right?

Right. We don't ever have to go to Ruth Chris only for your birthday now. You're going to make steaks twice a week. Yeah. Let me teach how to make two eggs. You can throw together two eggs and the steak for breakfast.

Let me teach how to use the toaster for some toast. That's why you go to fucking cook. So after Dick morning, you get some of the heat. No, that's why I go to cooking class. I can't cook. I'm horrible. Right.

The other day, I made a cheese on there for breakfast because they weren't up. And they both came out while I was cooking. And my daughter looked at me cooking and she looked at my wife. She's like, used to going to cook breakfast. Right. Dad is cool as shit, but look at that fucking disaster. Yeah. I need to take a fucking cooking class.

That's why you take cooking class to learn how to cook. Right. Right. My lion is. Maybe I'm fucking delusioned. No, that is the idea. How many macaroos do you have to eat, though? How many did you fucking make since that class?

None. But they don't make macaroons at all. So this week, you got to tell her, listen, when you come over Friday, let's whip up those macaroons you were supposed to fucking take notes on in class, all right? P.S. I hate museums. I used to hate museums. Take a cookie, will you? No. A cookie for your sins this weekend.

Take a little piece there. It's only five milligrams. Body of Christ. That's a lie. It's only five million. The whole cookie is fucking 22 milligrams. Yeah, right. They would never make a random number.

No, I'm okay. It's only like three milligrams. I'm looking at it on my computer right here. I'm overheating for you. Because I love you, I thought you were mad at me last night or something. Because I called you and you were like really quiet on the phone and he told me you ate like some salt water taffy

That just sank over the moon. Oh, yeah. I was fucked up last night. I passed out. People bring your treats in Austin or you brought your own? No, you gave you a treat here. Oh, cool. Okay.

Some little fucking taffy. I was fucking strong as shit. I couldn't. watch the TV. I had to keep blinking and stuff. There was something wrong. My fucking eyeballs. You've been going on a lot in the road, my brother?

This year, yeah. January. I went out a bunch of places. Where'd you go? A headline in North Carolina. Wilmington, North Carolina. There's this place called the Dead Crow Comedy Club, which is off the hook.

I did some indie shows in Florida, and I opened for my boy Ian Bag in Kansas City. I did... The improv? Yeah, yeah. How's that improv in Kansas City? It's pretty good, man. It's pretty good.

It looks like all... all the other improvs, but it's pretty fun. The audiences are pretty good. They laugh. Good time. I've never even thought of going to camp. Like, they've never even

made an off or nothing. Really? The other club, the guy, has the wig where Josh Wolf goes. Are you texting somebody? My phone's in my pocket. I hope so. Eat a cookie.

Are you texting your girlfriend? No, my phone's in my pocket. I'm about a rock candy. Are you texting your girlfriend's grandma? You got to eat something before you leave. This is the soup. I already ate two things. That's okay.

We got, we got, we got, 10 things. So you got to eat 3 out of 10. What else would you like tonight? Let me see what the options are. Let me show you. No, he gets mad when I text my girlfriend too. He doesn't understand texting conversations. Right here, we got more cookies.

Wow. You can eat a whole cookie. No. Why you want to eat in pieces? This is like the marijuana Olympics. It feels like it. We got another star. You want to eat another half a star. I felt like I'm getting a gold.

We'll eat another half a star. Was it like this when you guys used to wake up at 6 a.m.? Was it all these treats? There were edibles, but not to this level. I bought just cereal bar. I bought a whole cereal bowl. What's a bar? Could I have one of the kernels?

Or is it a bar? You're getting too thin, Lee. Snack on some of that shit. Not when I eat that munchies. I went to... I went to Yum Yum. It was at 11 p.m. How about one of these?

Just eat one of these. Okay. Oh, wait, no. Is there a chewy one or a hard one? These are hard. Can I have a chewy one? I don't have a fucking chewy can. You got somebody got the cereal thing?

The only thing we don't got is chewy. No, no more chewy. Try a rock candy. It's good for you. It's got vitamin D in it. But it's going to sound bad on the microphone. phone. Who cares?

You don't have to say nothing. Just sit there. Look at the stars. The tweets I get would disagree with you. Look at the stars of David. You look right over there. Look at your eyeballs. Do they match my shirt?

What flavor you want? Red or blue is good. There's a nice red off for you. Oh, we've had these before. Yeah. Look, look. They don't do none. Yes, they do.

They don't do nothing. Can you drive me home? Ain't nobody driving home. Ain't nobody home. Oh, shit. We got this fucking big, A brownie. Oh, you're going to want that brownie.

Have you tried this brownie? You want this? Oh, sure, yeah. That's a ghost. See, that's how we do it. We don't fuck around it. This is better than in and out. What are you going to take?

I got it to go. You want a bite now? I got a cookie right here. Oh, you want this brownie now? While you're chewing on a hard candy? All right, we'll open a brownie. What the fuck, ma'am? Look at your nibble on the cookie?

Oh, yeah. Look at you like a mouse over there. I take it slow. Oh, I like it. I call it crumb. You know how some people smoke rocks? I eat crumb. That's how I do it.

I don't know I'm disappointing you about it. So you're headlining some gigs. That's how you do? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Please, bro. Headlined in San Diego this year. You know, just a little one-nighter. No, it's this joint called Tipsy Crow, I think.

I played the Dead Crow and the Tipsy Crow this year already. I'm a Crow comic. Then there's a Crow up in, not San Jose, but what's the hip community up there? There's San Francisco. Santa Cruz. Santa Cruz. They have an old running. How's the candy?

Stuck on my teeth, but that's good. To Jeep the whole thing? Yeah. Oh, my God. Leave it away. Here. You're going super deep.

No, no. You want to call the Brown? You want to call the ambulance right now. Do you have one on standby? I could call. I thought you said never to sign for an ambulance. It's 911. You don't have to sign you known.

I got an ID that's fake. You just fucking get your oxygen and get out of that. Run out of it. Don't never see you again. Would oxygen help? Well, we're going to do a couple things here. So just call 911. Oh, my God.

And when they come, tell them we're just kidding. Or maybe you'll need it. Didn't red band get really fucked up and call that one one? $1,500 later. Your heart's going to beat. Don't call the cops. Start breathing. Just breathe your way out of it.

That's it through your nose, out your mouth. You got this. And breathe and met. When you get enough energy, go get some coffee. Not coffee. Some tea. I fucking hate tea. What do you? You hate tea? You hate coffee.

Yeah, well, I don't hate coffee. I just never tried to like it because it's too expensive. Coffee's too expensive. What are you talking? Fucking people in like, in Boston go like five. Yeah, these fucking jerks. Five times a day, don't know. You're the king of swing. I am the king of swing. All right. You get yourself a little fucking thing with a little coffee, a little Starbucks.

I got a curry. Yeah, then what the fuck you were doing from? Where did you get the curry from? Amazon. For how much? Like 80 bucks. Do you don't drink coffee? Paula does.

But if I didn't get it, we were going to go to breakfast every day. So now we make breakfast at the museum You're going to the museum even? You know what? They got some good pastries over there. No. No, but no, we eat breakfast. We tried to go to Denny's over the weekend

and it was just terrible. How bad was it? Just the manager there was like the worst. Like she was for some reason helping the host Where anyone who's worked in a restaurant knows You help run food Like let the host

Like the whole They were running on three different things of paper So Paul and I got skipped over for like three tables Did you tell him your least sciat? Radio personality? I should have. You should have told them. So what did you end up doing?

You went home? No, we waited. We were there for a fucking hour for eggs. I'd tell you, I talked to you on the phone. We were already there by that point. Didn't I tell you that when you were there? Then I said me, what are you doing that? It's only going to be quick.

They said five to ten minutes. Listen, after nine o'clock, you don't go to breakfast. Right. You're fucked in this town. You cash in on that cooking class. Because they're leaving church. You have a 20-minute wait, especially if you go with somebody. If you go a lot.

alone you could always grab the motherfucking bar you follow me it's at the counter baby the counter but you got to you know what I'm saying I feel you that date with you somewhere after 930

what's that first mask empties out you're no danger that's Sunday 101 do you know what was my favorite when she lived in Englewood I'd go drop her off at night for like dinner and go to dinner

the people at Chili's and Red Lobster were in their Sunday best like purple suits. Yeah. And it was full of them. Black people love red lobster. It was so funny. You're already here first, folks.

If you want to sleep with a black woman from the fucking hood, throw up red lobster, they go fucking. And all they say to you is like, you're going to take me to red lobster? You're going to give me one of them drinks? It's not red lobster. It's those purple drinks. It's six fucking dollars a piece that drives them fucking nuts.

It drives black women crazy. It's like smoking crack. They go from crack hosed to red lobster fucking nuts. nose. Oh yeah, yeah, down there. What's the other place? Chili's. Oh, yeah, that's big time. They go in there smoking cigarettes. It was so funny a lot, yeah.

And people, like, say, like, we're going to chilies, and other people are jealous. Ooh. Yeah. It's like museum to a black person. Fuck, yeah. I love it. I love going to fucking Red Lopsis in Sacramento. Tons of black people, hysterical.

That don't give a fuck. They will suck the red off the crab leg. Like, once they don't really. fucking take the meat out of it. Yeah. They suck the red right out of the fuck. I love it. I love it.

They don't give a fuck. If they got to pay $9. Like Prambley, they get every nutrient out of that motherfucker that's in there. They got Magic Johnson TGI Fridays. Have you seen those? No, but they used to have Magic Johnson

movie theaters in L.A. They don't have no more? No, I went to one when I interned out here. I think it was in a bad area probably since it was... Yes, it was a bad area. That's what I'm saying. But I went there like when I was a... Before I even moved out here to work,

when I was out here interning the summer before, and they don't have that anymore. there was a shopping center by the airport it's got like a magic johnson tg i fridays and like black starbucks it was so great i met darrell right there one day and it was uh i was like i'm sitting at such and such a table and he's like oh i think i'm going to be able to pick you out because i was the only white guy there but it was funny dude it was like they were listening to the regular starbucks shitty coffee house music

it was just like a regular white starbucks it was black starbucks it was beautiful there was a guy rolling around playing pink floyd in the parking lot black dude it was like all alternate universe. It was fantastic. It's kind of cool in the Korea town where they have Korean ads. Like you're just going around L.A. and then all of a sudden all the ads are in Korean. Down western.

Yeah. Down western. It's just, it's horrible. As opposed to Spanish everywhere else. No. Yeah, when you go down western, it's like Mexican music, that just becomes Korean. And all the Koreans stop. They don't know, like, the double park, they just stop. Yeah.

So you're sitting there for five minutes. You're like, why is that traffic? And you get in the left-hand lane, it's wide fucking open. They just stop and talking to each other. They don't give a fuck. I got caught down there one time for an hour. I'll never drop down Western. I think I'm Western and Melrose. I fucking tap

out, Jack. That's hysterical. Yeah, no, there's no fucking use. When I went to Austin, that was the biggest complaint from people, and how much Austin had grown, and how bad the traffic was. And I tried to explain to the dirty people that said that to me. I go, you know what? There's traffic

everywhere. And my mind, fucking mind-boggling traffic. Some days you can't wrap your head around. When I come up Laurel Canyon at 3 o'clock, it behooves mealy. And how slow people are going. And it's a fucking hour. Yeah. It's 45 minutes sometimes to get a fucking Laurel Canyon. That's not even that much. I can't tell you how many times I spent two hours on the 405 from Santa Monica, the Sherman Oaks.

An hour and a half? Not a problem. Wednesday nights? Because the longest part of it is getting to the freeway. which I don't think other cities have That's 6 o'clock shit Having a job And not getting home till 715 That's it

There's no accidents And no jerkoffs That I can't do that no way It's horrible I used to have a job on the west side I lived on the east side And every morning it was just like And you were all the size watch

I mean I would try my best This is before I had fucking GPS or shit I would just take the tent And just like with a gun in my mouth Oh no you got on the 10? Yeah oh yeah Well I take Olympics sometimes I take this, that, and the other Wilshire,

but it sucked either way. And when you first move here, the streets are super fucking long. So you think, oh, this is the Olympic right here. My job's on Olympic. I'll just go. And it's three days later, you're at work. I know, it's terrible.

I made appointments to go down there today because there was no traffic. I left my house at 9.30 to be on Wilshire. At 10, I got there 5 to fucking 10. But I can't do it no more. I can't go over the hell. I love going to Higgins. of stuff. In the daytime, I love training with

Dave, but I'm just waiting for what's his name to open up his school up over the hill so I can zip in at lunch and get the fuck out of there by 1 o'clock. That one hour on the way down, the 45 on the way back, at 10 o'clock I'm going to leave. To be there at 10 to fucking 11. Yeah, man. And the traffic

gets heavy. Every time I'm going up to hell, there's days I don't think I'm going to fucking make it at all, man. I'm like, I'm not going to make it to fucking jitut today. It's just too much. And that's the way it is everywhere. New York City is the same fucking way. When I go to Dallas, there's tons of traffic. Forget fucking Miami.

DC, Baltimore. DC, you know, we're just, I don't know if I, you know, I can sit here and say it's overcrowded or we have too many cars because everybody's on the fucking train too. Yeah. You're on the fucking train at 9 o'clock. You got some guy breathing down your fucking neck and a Japanese guy with a surgeon's mask on. Yeah. So don't tell me that the trains are fucking empty.

You know, they're packed. You think no one takes the train in L.A.? They're fucking packed. Mass transit is packed in L.A. But they don't have one to the west side. No, it's not good. The fact that they don't have one from the 405 down to the 10. They're working on that.

It's going to take decades, but they're working on it because they know, they know L.A. is fucked as far as traffic is concerned. And yeah, they do already have one that goes to Long Beach. Oh, they do already have it? My girlfriend, I'm more joking, but do you ever think there should be like some sort of time women on being here? If you're not doing something in your feeling? If you don't knock it out of the park after 20 years, if you're not successful, or anything. Or anything.

It's just there's so many people here who are just, like, my fucking Danny's waiter was from Boston. And it was, like, one step away from doing goodwill hunting scenes at my table. Uh-huh. It was just embarrassing to watch. He was just joking around about boxing and cheers. And he was just being really, like, he was being overly hammy. And it was, like, the first time I'd seen it. And then Paula takes lifts home sometimes from the train station, and she said, like, every other one is, like, an actor who, like,

hands are a script or it's just it's I get that it's tough but at some point we need more space there should be a talent like a talent measurement at the border at the border of California or at LAX where you have to do a monologue she had like a visa and just have to like show like hey I'm working

or just let the people who are born here stay here and do that kind of work you know but then you read these stories of people here 11 years that's the thing that's the thing and we know it takes long long time a dream is a dream is a dream But you can be working towards it. You don't have to be a star, but you can't just be like going to parties in Hollywood. Listen, not everybody's least the eye at radio personality.

You know what I mean? You can't judge these people. You know, you asked me when it was the most frustrated in my comedy career. The most frustrated was in 95 when I wanted just to feature and work. I wanted just to get comedy work. And I was working around Denver and getting guest sets when you're prepared. When people come up to you and say you're ready to do, you get frustrated, you know.

And the other frustration I got was here. There was one point where I was, but I was frustrated at the four-year mark. That's when I really got frustrated. You know, frustration is when nothing's going on. That's when you feel bad about yourself. So that's when the frustration comes in. What if?

I mean, you know, I'm really lucky and I'm really aggressive and I'm a hustler. And sometimes ignorance is bliss. Absolutely. Because when I walked into Bronx County, I knew nothing about acting. Nothing. I had just signed with an agency called The Coloring Book. That's how bad this agency was, people.

Right. And I get a call today that they want to see me at Bronx County and CBS on Fifth Street in Santa Monica. And I go down and I ask to play a Puerto Rican bartender in a fucking bar, which I hate all those roles. It says I can never pull them off. Right. But the cast director was so fucking great that. that he pulled it out of me and I don't know how

with no acting experience no acting classes I booked the CBS pilot and they paid me money and it was great and I shot the fucking pilot and for seven months I lived confused

I didn't know if I should buy a house tell bitches to shut the fuck up but you know you're going to do that yeah you know and also the pilot didn't get picked up what is that what does that do to the normal person that hasn't taken an acting class.

He's like, I'm better than these guys or whatever. I don't know what I was fucking thinking on my mind. Then I went in for basketball. And that's how I got my sack card. Because that was the second book, I got baseball. Then I got a Taco Bell commercial. You know, and at that point, I was doing comedy, maybe seven years.

So was it the state's time that gave me the patois to go into the balls? I don't know. I used to just work myself up and be so scared. I go in there and blow up in the fucking room, you know? But Lee, what kept me here? What kept me here? What made me go to Houston and go? You know what?

I can't believe Adam Sandler's want me to audition for his movie. You know what? I'm going to make an audition tape. What if I was the regular Schmo and didn't think that way? I didn't take no for an answer. I didn't give a fuck.

You're either going to go with big pussy of Tony Serragousson. They're great as celebrities. But this is a comedy. If you want this movie to work, I've done Buffalo at halftime. I have to send my tape in. And I sent it in,

and we got the fucking movie. but there's a lot of people that go through this town and don't do anything for 15. And you see him and you feel fucking bad. Right. And there's some people who get it. I told the story about last year, I went to the Grudge Match premiere and I came out.

And I saw a kid I was friends with it 15 years ago. We were both on the same path of comedy. And now he was working on a $10 store on Hollywood Boulevard and how bad I felt talking to him and how negative he was about the town. Right. And it killed me. I killed me for about a week.

I talked on the podcast. And about a month ago, I asked the mom. They go, you're here, he changed his life, he quit that job, he quit comedy. Yeah. Because he knew. That's it. You know, he was dressing up as a fucking bunny suit. Right.

At a show once a month. That's not comedy, you know, and I got it. When he got here, booked some commercials. But, you know, this town has changed. Ten years ago, a schmo like me could come here and book a bunch of shit today. You're not going to book much because there ain't much to book. There ain't much to book. All those co-stars, how you learn how to act, those little rows that you walk.

and say, get up, you're under arrest. And people like, oh, my God. You know, people here say, go, fuck yourself. You have two lines. People at home are like, dog, I'm proud of you. He's a movie star. That was you. You're a movie star.

So that's the reality of it. Those roles are gone. That's how you learn to act. And why is that? Because there's not as many TV shows. They're not shooting, they're hiring off reels now. You know, so people don't even know you exist. 10 years ago, I would go into audition and do okay.

And then he would go, you know what, you're not right for this. I'm going to keep my own years. It was a smaller scene, right? No, it was more action. There was more going on. Okay. And the same people were here, but... All these states have tax refunds.

Tax refunds. So that takes from us, you know, they're going to shoot the movie there. So what do they do? They hire the principals here, but they hire local actors because what are going to fly everybody out? I'm not going to fly everybody out and put them in a fucking four-star hotel and feed them. They can hire actors that are in that area. So that's how they do it. Which works.

Hey, it fucking works. matter you saw all those little rolls we used to get here when I handed James Coburn a gun an American gun and walked away when I handed James Coburn a clip to sign I said here I delivered a box to you I'm just like you half Italian half Irish

and I walked away all those stupid fucking rolls right that you learn to know about you learn about the extras what they're doing you learn how to take from the director you learn how to fucking stand correctly how to open up in front of the camera how to walk those are the roles that you learn those things because you have to do them.

You're not sitting there for an hour talking to somebody. He's saying, what are you think? I think we should arrest him. No shit. No, you're just walking and going, hey, pick up line four and you walk out. Right. You know, there was a movie that there were chance pomper terrier where I just grabbed

the guy out of a trunk and said, you're going to die and I threw him in the water and that was it. That was it. It took eight hours to shoot. While I was doing it, I was happy as a pig and shit. Yeah. If you called me for that road today, I tell you go, fuck yourself. Right.

But when I got here in 2001 and there I was. I am on the set with Dayton Callie from Sons of Anarchy and fucking Riser and all these fucking guys. Paul Riser was mean to me in the makeup chair. Nice. And Chas Pomp and Terry and all these fucking guys. And there I am going, pulling a guy to a trunk and going, you're going to die. And the guy we pulled out was a stuntman. And I saw him in a weed store about two years ago.

And he's like, remember me? How many times you throw me into that a lot? We went to a Long Beach fucking dock over there like 18 times one night. You know, this is how you learn to act. So if you, what do you think you learned to act By going to some acting school And giving them $10,000? That's fucking candy cane shit

Oh, I did a scene from flash dance It was the back, get the fuck out of here Get the fuck out of here See from Flash dance, bitch You know, so that's the confusionally I get the dream I get what you say I see kids today that'll come up to me and go

Hey man, it was really good that Rogan helped you Why didn't book movies on my own What? What? When you were fucking going to the movies with your girlfriend, I wasn't at the comedy store, following Paul Mooney at 12, 30th, fucking night. That's what you're telling me. That's what a lot of people don't get.

You got to put it in the work every day. Yeah, they don't get that. You can't just work at Denny's and hope someone calls you for an audition and then work like that. Life ain't fucking working out from me. You got to hustle. You got to take an acting class and meet other fucking actors

and see what the fuck they're doing and go hang out where they hang out. What's sad is they go to the actor studio and we chit-chat. Then you go to fucking actor studio and you chit-chat. You know, all my parents are coming at the time. That's not my problem. You should have fucking invited them.

You're here working. This is work. Exactly. This is like a work. And if no fucking parent, it ain't nobody. Unless, until you get the yacht with 10 midgette's sucking your dick,

then your parents come out to visit. Yeah. And your friends. Are the midges there? I want to come out for four days. For what? The midges live on a yacht. For what?

I'm going to entertainer. Yeah. I'm going to drive you on L.A. And the fucking 10, fuck you. You're on your own. Then they get here. Oh yeah, we got a hotel room of Marina Dore.

It looks like I won't see you. Because I live in North Hollywood, bitch. That's a long way. You're a long way from home, Barty. You know, no. And that's the problem that you have. People don't understand. Yeah, that's the people don't understand what you got going on here.

If no one's hiring you, you start working. You start working. Even if you're not getting paid, you start doing a podcast. You start hitting the stage. You start doing the fucking plays or whatever. You start making your own movies. That's how you fucking do it. Talk to leave for five seconds.

I mean, go out my nose, right. All right. It is kind of fucked up Because I asked you when you came in How many podcast episodes you have You said like, oh shit That's the full charge power hour by the way Yeah like number 107 right

A hundred and eight I've done And it's just cool Because like over the past year I did a bunch I'm not doing some anymore And it's not even these But just You see these people start podcasts

Yeah And I think they've seen So many people make some money money that they're expecting Coca-Cola to come sponsor them in three weeks. And when it doesn't happen, they just end or they stop. No, you have to build forever.

You have to build until it goes. You have to keep putting the work in. You know, and it catches when it catches. That's the deal. Yeah. And then they think, oh, they're just going to find your, like Coca-Cola is going to have a guy finding your number.

Like, they won't call any sponsors. Yeah. It's really weird. Yeah, well, most people don't put the fucking work. What are you going to do? You have to put the work in it every day? Yeah. Every goddamn day.

You want some more pot? Not really. You look good, man. You look good. You got to be a burglar in the bathroom in this fucking place. Gotta be a fucking burglar. What if you're shit in your fucking pants and I have my keys? A fucking burglar.

Unbelievable. How much that pisses me off? A fucking lock on the bathroom. Like somebody's going to rob the fucking toilet paper, some shit. Yeah. Like homeless people are in and out of this fucking bill. Maybe some homeless people Come in, so what, let them take a fucking little port of a week and shout

It's better than on the fucking sidewalk, right? Listen, man, it's, hey, plug this in for me. I think I popped out the wires. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, you popped it out. This fucking wire went kaputs and shit tonight. Yeah. You know, when you have a dream, man,

I can't tell you. I would never go up to somebody and tell them it's time for them to leave. I have no problem going up to them and telling them it's time to tighten their game up. Exactly. There's little things you do to tighten your game up. What are you doing the afternoon?

Well, I sit with three of my friends. I got to ask you some, where are those fucking two jerkoffs go? Right. Nowhere. Why are you sitting with them? Yeah. You're going to sit with somebody. Go sit with Dane Cook.

Exactly. Go sit with fucking Matt Fultron. I don't care if you've got to get them coffee. I don't care if you got to buy them coffee. Yeah. I'd rather write a joke of Matt Fultron than write a joke with three jerk off with a fucking mind dream. They elevate you.

There's so many different fucking shortcuts. How do you prove yourself? You go out six nights a week. When I go out and I see you there and you've already done three sets, I get 22, and I'm at the store at 11, you're like, let's do it, dog. I'm here to hang out with you. You know, I know these people are real. People know what somebody is real.

I know when somebody comes to something. L.A. is not working for me. Well, how many nights a week do you go out? Well, nobody puts me up. That's not my fucking question. Exactly. My question is how many nights a week you want to go up? Because I know motherfuckers that get up three times a night in the fucking valley,

Pasadena, Hamburg. your hamlets. These motherfuckers go out, you know, six nights of fucking week. And if you don't have the spot, go to the fucking show anyways and get to know the motherfuckers that run it. Well, the problem with this time, everybody wants to do the improv and destroy the laugh at. Yeah. And if they don't get into those three, they get caught up and it affects them.

Where me, I'm working on the spot. Don't worry about that. That'll be there. That's not going anywhere. That's always going to fucking be there. What I want you to do is just keep getting on stage. Yeah, but my friend, fuck your friend. Fuck your friend.

I'm telling you what you need to do. get on stage every fucking night. After you do two spots, then do me a favor. Then come to the store and you can have a drink. Yeah. But what if I only do one? Then you're not going to the fucking store. You didn't deserve to go to the store, the improv, or that factor.

Wherever you're going to go to sit there and watch and learn from motherfucking comedians, you know? And that's what I'm saying. Like me and Sam and fucking Kira, we'd see each other every night back in the 90s. We had to learn how to do this shit. And we'd go up fucking all the time, man. That's how it fucking works.

I didn't start at the store. Fuck. Come on. Nobody fucking does. You know, when I started working with Lee, about two months before I met Lee, a kid contacted me, silent Bob,

his brother, Ranchobob. What does Rancho mean? He works on a ranch or some shit. Okay. Roncho Bob worked for Gabriel for a few weeks. But Rancho Bob, would go to Gabriel's shows, take some pictures,

and then go back to Gabriel and give him pictures and Gabriel go, okay, what are you going to be doing? He'd go, I'm going to frame these things. Whatever, I don't know what happened. And Gabriel would give him like $200. Well, one day, I guess he saw that one of the comics was getting $1,000, and he got pissed off.

Why is this coming here and get $1,000? I'm taking pictures here just as long as he is. I want $1,000. So he went and asked Gabriel, and I told him to go fuck himself. Gabriel was like, are you fucking kidding? You came to me from day one from school, photography. The kid was going to film school. Right.

I felt bad for the kid. He was trying to make his way going to different comedy clubs taking pictures of comics. I asked him one there said, can you give me a favor? Can you come out to the house and take some headshot to me?

He gave him a hundred bucks. His head almost fucking blew up. If I showed you when he brought me back for headshots, I just threw him in the garbage. Didn't ask him for his hundred back. I just knew that this kid did not prepare. He didn't even know what a headshot was. Where most people

go, let me see what a headshot looks like. Right. But a year later, he calls me back and he goes, listen, I'm going to film school, I'm graduating, I want to help out, you know, with videos. I said, all right, come on up and show and shoot a joy karate video. He comes up, spends an hour, shoots the video.

You know this motherfucker put it up without anything? Even the takes. Even the fucking, like, no, next take. Like, I couldn't believe it. This is Rancho Bob? I could believe it to the point. You hear what you're saying? That, I couldn't believe it to the point. Then again, I couldn't say nothing. Do you think it was like a joke?

No, he just didn't know. He just was that, you know, he didn't do his homework. This is a kid that went to film school. This is why film school and all these things mean dick to me. Yeah, right. They mean nothing to me. He just threw away money. If I'm 18 right now and I want to go to film school,

I go tell my dad, listen, save the $10,000 for college, buy me a $2,000 camera. And I'll go shoot fucking everything for a year. For a year, you go shoot. You get yourself a job at a night, you go shoot everything. Be a PA. And it can be a PA. Keep shooting videos.

Keep shooting videos. Keep shooting videos. Keep shooting videos. Keep shooting videos. And then you become a PA. Because now you see it from a different angle. You learn the steps as it goes along. You thought you were supposed to do this.

Motherfunker, he's supposed to do this. Yeah. And it becomes an education. And I want that guy. I'll run with that guy at four years than some guy that comes from USC film school. Yeah. You know, six years ago, I did a film for some guy from USC film school. It was a $100 a day film, which to me, I don't even give a fuck about those.

It was like a film together. financing for another film. Yeah. Do you know when I booked the film, this motherfucker, I was shooting like on Tuesday, this motherfucker sent me an email going, okay, we're going to rehearse every day from

8 to 4 on this scene. I said, listen, not in my fucking world. You might as well cancel me now. This is $100 a day. Listen, Lee. And that day is when you're doing rehearsing. You're only Yeah, we were shooting like on a Tuesday

like, let's say I booked it today. Okay, I booked it today. I got the call today. Thursday, this motherfucker called me. He's like, hi. What we're going to do is we're going to rehearse next Monday. They go, well, I'm going to rehearse, though.

Unless it's De Niro or something like that. I'm not going down there to Pasadena from 8 in the morning to 4. No money, Lee. Just rehearse for a fucking movie. No, Lee. No, Lee. Let me tell you the story.

I told him right on the phone. No, and he was like, you know, I'm very disappointed. Be disappointed. I have a life. I'm a stand-up comic. I do this. and this and this. I don't have time to rehearse for 8 to 4. That's not my bag. Look at my resume. Look at the reel. If you want to do this, I'll play the mobster. Not, I understand. Not for 100 a day.

Okay? When I got that next day, we did a good job and he came over like the next Tuesday and he was like, how are you doing? It was very nice. But guess what? They got the financing for the movie. Didn't call me, didn't call the other guy. Didn't call anybody who shot that movie. That was there working hard all day for a hundred bucks. See, do you understand me? my fucking tell him to go fuck himself didn't make a difference. He wasn't going to hire us anyway when he got the finance. Right.

Then he gets better. This douchebag calls him a day and says, hey, what are you doing next weekend? Nothing. What? Our movie got into the Las Vegas film festival into the finals,

we'd like for you to come up. Okay, call me back with the flight information and the hotel I'm staying in. You know me, dog. Right or wrong, man? You're right. You're right. And look how I did it.

I didn't see it. say are you nothing you just assume you just steamrolled okay I'll come look and do me a favor it's a vacation for me and my wife send me a plane ticket no don't even say send me a plane ticket just say send me let me know

let me know the info all the plane and reservation info and all right there you'll hear like a fucking hello and you're here like what yeah oh no no we were just thinking we did the movie listen right there was when I said listen you're in no fucking danger I ain't spend the

dime wood. I got $90 after this because I got $100 for the day and 10 goes to your agent. And after you pay taxes, it's $63 fucking dollars. Yeah. So now you want me to spend two bills for a plane ticket and a hotel and put a suit on and dry clean it

to come to your fucking premiere. You understand me about Balsley? I'd rather go to a museum. I said it in the fucking beginning. I told him no in the beginning, so he knew all the way through. I told him no from the rehearsal. Guess what? In 2000, I would have been there all week from 8 to 4 like an asshole. Do you follow me?

You learn. You fucking learn. You get burnt. Sure. You know, all those $100 day movies, you shoot them. You wear your own suit. You get there at 4 in the morning. You have no place to change. You change in a car like a fucking, you know, like a homeless person. And they make you all these promises. And at the end, once that scene is shot and you go home, my brother, try to get your fucking real from these people. Yeah, exactly. hang up on you, they'll do everything. So why am I going the extra mile for you?

You understand, if you don't say no in the beginning with these dummies, they'll fuck get in the fucking ass out of here. They really will. They're rookies. They're amateurs. They don't know what they're doing. No, that's what they're built to do. That's what these people do.

That's what they get off on. They get off on fucking, you know, we'll get leave. We'll get $200 for him. Right. We'll subble you out for $800. Well, he's a radio person. You know why?

You sell lay off for $800. You go to leave like a man and go leave. They're going to give me $800 for you. You might as if I give you five and I take three. And you say, give me six and take two. $200 for booking you? These motherfuckers want to give you two and keep six. Yeah.

I did a college in the sand, whatever, Barbara last week. Yeah. Kid who booked it for years, kind of kicking. Yeah. I always knew. Didn't take a genius. He's Russian, I am. Heck.

You know those Russians. Kinky kid. Oh, he calls himself Russian, you know. I just knew it. Just knew it from fucking being out there. Yeah, like something's not right here. The college paid this, really? College, I'll do it.

It's a Saturday. I got nothing else, but that's weird, you know? There's a guy that strictly does that. I don't even know if I want to mention his name, but he goes around to colleges, and he keeps like 80 and gives the comics 20%. Yeah. It's Lee.

So I go up there this time. First off, I do two things with them and both things. They end up all right, but that something's not right. Yeah. Something's not right. The check, something. So I find out he opens up a comedy club. And this is right after Santa Barbara, the shootings up there.

I got a call like a week later that he's doing benefits. 100% go to the shooting victims, Joey. Come help out of it. And usually I do all the benefits, but. I know this motherfucker. You know what I know him. I just know people. I know who does comedy for the love of comedy,

and I know who does comedy to rob other comics. There's a point in life where comedians are going to fuck it. I'm miserable. Nobody gives me a chance. I'm going to start becoming a producer and fucking these comics up. Robbing comics. Oh, and they'll go to a hotel with a big budget and go give me $2,000 a week, and they'll pay three comics 100 dollars and walk with $17,000.

dollars and this goes on until they, and they all get busted, and they lose face completely. So, don't even answer that. Just tell you, I'm headed to fucking Jupiter. Unless you're coming, I ain't answer. That's not hard. Can I get a lack, ma?

It's fucked up sometimes. Like, a lot of job applications now, we'll say, rate, depending on experience, or to have you when you apply, what's your desired rate? I always felt like I could put too little, and they'd be, like, scamming me. They'd be like, oh, we would have paid this much for that position.

I always hate when they did that. No, you put what you want, so when you go in the room, they'll tell you where you stand, and then you have a platform. But at least you have somewhere to start. Always hit him a little high. You have nothing to fucking lose. So this kid, I know he's kicking. He calls me up for his benefit.

And you know me. I said, let me get back to him. Let me look at my schedule. There's no way. I'm doing that fucking thing. You're not going to work too hard for you to take my fucking money. It's not going to get donated. You're worse than White Cliff Gene.

I know these people. Why could Gene rob his own fucking people with his benefits? He was going to be present too. Is he really going to be present? He was before that happened. Until he got caught robbing his own fucking thing. So I find, I get to the gig that night

and I go, where's the guy? And they're like, oh, he doesn't book it no more. He just makes calls for us now. And he gets a few comics. And he looked, the kid looked at me. He goes, things weren't running so smooth. Look at the amount of your check tonight. Look what you were getting.

He goes, he was taking the difference. guys. He was taking two quarters of the fucking check he got from the college. And then I go, yeah, he called me. I go, I always knew he was a thief. He called me for those benefits. He goes, was he scamming people with those benefits?

Because what he was doing was he went to a bar and made the bar a deal that I want 50% of everything. The bar, the drinks, the food, the door. He got 100 people in there, but he comped the door. He only got five people to pay for tickets so he would keep the $100 and get 50% of the door. So he wasn't donating a dime.

He was donating $100. But keeping $3,000 to the comedian. There's always a move with this fucking guy. Yeah, that's fucked out. Hey, man, the best thieves rob you with a gun. When somebody robs you with a gun, they're a fucking asshole. Because there's a many ways to rob motherfuckers without a fucking gun. Let me get some shout out to you.

Like you could steal one of the checks out of the trash. That's right. You're fucking Google. You're taking one of the credit cards. Oh, that. You want a cookie? I had a cookie. Michelle Hurley, I love you.

Nick Laercottis, you back cocksucker. Teddy Lynch. Jamie McElroy. I don't even know what the fuck this name is. Seth Burel, MJT, Esquire, Eddie G. Travis. What the fuck is this? My main man, Ted Shea and shit,

same as it ever was podcast, making things fucking happen. I love you, cocksuck, as always. So, yeah, you know. He's got to keep it together. What's up? You ain't that hot. Oh, you're a liar.

He's faking it. He's faking it. He's faking it. I'm a big faker. What he got working on, my brother? What do you got coming up? What do you want to do? What are your goals for this year?

It's 2000. I'm going to do a special. I got a production company to do a special. We're going to tape the motherfucker. Do an hour around town. And I'm just gearing up for that. Getting that hour together. I'm going to do some sit-ups.

Are you going to get beautiful? You're taping at one location? Yeah. Yeah. At the, uh... I think the Virgil on Santa Monica. We'll have some dates for you soon. We're going to get that shit together.

How is the Virgil? Nice place. Yeah, it's nice, man. That place around the corner by the gym, they've been shooting a lot of specials there. Like El Porto or... El Porta Tau Theater. Donald McIrisham or something?

Yeah, who shot lately then? Sarah Colonna and then a couple of other people. Very nice. I want to do it all, though, man. Who's that dude from that TBS show? The Sun's show? The Sullivan and Sunshow, the white dude. Right.

He shot there. Owen Benjamin. At the Porteau Theater. Very nice. Yeah, it's very nice. Wendy Lehman shot there a few years ago. Very nice. We should do a podcast then, Lee.

That's it. What else you want to do this year? So you're shooting out when? What are you, ATA? I got to, we got to book it, but I don't know. I'm thinking around like May. I want like a good three-month chunk to just get ready and fucking hone it every day. You know what I mean?

Take it. my teeth in it's tough it really is yeah but it's good to have a date to shoot for instead of just like oh i'm gonna work on my stand-up in general can't wait to have a date no no no no you can't wait to have a date once you strap that date on it fucks you yeah oh yeah yeah yeah you got to get ready you don't want to look dumb up there you want every second of it to be fucking beautiful it's tough that's why i've never committed to one because i know it's a lot of fucking work i'm trying to commit the one now we won't know anything till mid-march and then i got two months but i got a big chunk I got three weeks in a row to pick up another 15 minutes.

Yeah. Well, you should do it, man. You've done a couple CDs, right? And then I'll be here for a month, and then I'll tighten all the business stuff up and hire production managers. I don't have to worry about dick. Yeah. I don't want to hear fucking dick from nobody.

Right. And then I'll probably shoot in Vegas at the South Point Casino. That would be awesome, man. Lee Say, I'll be there with a tuxedo eating these fucking edibles passing the non-shund I'll catch a ride with Lee. I'll catch a ride with Lee. Shit, just like that, Lee. Just like that league.

Those Russian neighbors must not know what's going on in this office. They're having a party when we came in? Can you imagine what they're thinking when they hear the stuff that comes out of here? I think there's like a fucking dog ring in here. Fucking cockfights and shit. You know, a lot of comedians like you. When I mention your name, you're one of the ones that's very well-liked. It's, I was going to tell you that on the phone, but I want your head to get swollen.

It's really nice having you around. Oh, thanks, man. And you just have this warm thing to you. I see you. I see guys like Steve Simone. I see a lot of young guys. And I'm like, man, those guys are in limbo right now. Right.

The same limbo. I was after a year spinning around, not knowing. And when you get down about it, you just go, fuck it. Let me go do a spot. Let me work with it. And everything involves. You kind of lean into it. You got to fucking, if you're getting, like, bummed out about your career,

fucking put more work into it instead of like sitting back and going, Why isn't anything happen? Because it will distract you, and you'll fucking actually love doing it, too. That's what you forget. You're going to love writing. You're going to love performing. It's beautiful to see a joke grow. Yeah.

It really is to see a joke grow that you were fucking around with Lee in the car. Lee would say, say that up on stage, and I said it, then you had a tag to another tag. Then it becomes something else, then you had a tag for that. And now you have a full bit, you know, when you're like, fuck, I did this. Absolutely. Just going out. And sometimes you want to sit down and really write. But sometimes you really do your best writing on stage.

I think I lie to myself and now I'm trying to be honest with myself. It's great if I put thoughts down on paper and connect them a certain way. But then when you get to the club and you get there and you see her performing in front of you, the person in front of you, it all comes to you while you're hearing somebody else's cadence. You get to their rhythm and you're like, oh, this is what I'm going to fucking say. And the next thing you know, you go on stage, you just wrote this two-minute little bit to open up the show. But you did it, you know, it's, that's what I like about this. Yeah, and you see people's faces and you're like, oh, they need something now.

Like, here's something funny. Here's something funny. You just keep, you know they need it. I love it. So you're pulling it out of the fucking sky. It's beautiful. I love it. This one I got up at like 5.30.

I went outside, I put some coffee on. I went outside and smoked some pot. I went and I just started writing thoughts. Yeah. And I think when I write those thoughts and then I write out my thoughts for the day in a different notebook in the morning. And then usually, after breakfast, I put a couple entries into like a chapter in a book.

I'll just write it. Even if I redo a sentence and put three sentences, I'm good because I exercise that muscle. That's the thing. You know, so now if I go on stage, that exercise I did in the afternoon with that performance at the comedy store, with the pressure and who you have to follow, it just makes you a better fucking copy.

Absolutely. I really believe that. I really believe that since I've been back at the comedy store, I've grown as a comic. I've grown as a comic when I go to the gym. It's amazing how much goes into being a good comic and a mediocre comic. I know now because I see how easy it is now. And years ago, I didn't do any of these things.

Right. I didn't go for a walk. You know, lately I've been walking to the weed store. Yeah. It's four or five blocks. Who gives a fuck? Right. I get the car and lose my parking spot.

I walk and it's nice. Yeah. You know, I go to the gym. I do ten different things. Don't you find a bunch of ideas popping your head when you're walking or running or exercising? Like just beautiful ideas. That's why I do what I do. Yeah.

That's why I go to the fucking gym and I have a, my agent gave me a little pad that I carry now. Mm-hmm. And I go to the gym sometimes and I'll have it with me so I can just write, even if it's one word to remind me of that foot. Yeah. I put ideas into this phone all day long on my voice recorder. First thing I do in the morning, bust it out. Well, I make notes in there, but if I'm in the gym, I don't bring the phone in. Yeah, of course.

Because I don't want the phone to ring because when you're on the elliptical or you're lifting. and you're walking to get water, and you listen to music, and the music's playing in your head. Yeah. And you start thinking it breaks you down. It makes you, I always believe, when you work out early, like 12, 11,

it makes you that much better. I used to go in a pool at 6. Yeah. That makes you sharper than 4. The pool is the shit. I'm getting back into the pool. I'm getting a car. You jump in a fucking pool at 6 in the morning

by 8. Your mind is fucking just machine-gunning thoughts. I used to swim for two hours a day as a kid. and that was like crazy discipline and I'm getting a car on Wednesday I'm going to start going to the pool again every day it just fucking it wears you down

it gets rid of all your stress and just that discipline of it all man I can't wait waterproof earphones oh do they have those now yeah they got some waterproof earphones or something right have you seen them something I haven't but they probably do

it wouldn't surprise me look that up I can't type that right now look that's not going to happen Our tech guy's always stung. Look, that's the fucking champion. You're lucky I love you like that. What am I going to do with you?

I have no idea. You look good, though. God bless you. You look beautiful. You went for your burger and shit. You got any weight over the weekend? No. We maintained, thank God.

We stayed at the same. We had to go to the gym. Both days? Yeah, all three days. Look at you. So you go to the gym every day, basically. I usually take one day off a week. I try to.

But sometimes I don't. What are you and the wife doing this week? I don't know about next weekend It's light this weekend That's it That's it You're out of fucking loop Between San Diego and Valentine's

Between birth It was Christmas Her birthday was like January 29th And then Valentine's day It's like fuck And you got taken for your lungs this year The three days of San Diego No we split that

We're really cool about that Get the fuck that You don't even work split that You go for fucking everything You come back on Sundays With bunny rabbit ears And shit I pay for the food usually

but even that she's really cool I got really lucky You're really lucky You're a good fucking man Look at you No fucking suck I used to pay for everything I almost broke up with a girl

Because of it one time Yeah She just never ever said thank you I just grew up in a situation where I said thank you for everything Everything Right And I actually don't know what to do

And I'm not My mom's not mad at Paula But my mom sent Paula a birthday A birthday card A little gift in it And Paula didn't write her back and from I remember when we used to go buy suits

my mom would make us write thank you notes to the salesman and I wrote thank you notes basically up until I moved here because I sent a couple and never heard back for any so I got discouraged but Paul grew up in Inglewood

her mom doesn't always even get her gifts and she just doesn't it's not that she's being rude but I don't know if I should say hey my mom would appreciate a thank you card did you call how about a fucking call What's a card? What's with the card? Well, call one be cool, too.

Yeah, so it's over now because now your mom has a like to stand on, Lee. This is the things you have to say to her on January 30s. She loves Paula. Right, yeah, but not until you don't fucking call me back or say something. Nice, did she put a check in there from Paula? A little gift card, yeah. Okay, then what the fuck, man? Yeah.

You know, you got to have a little fucking cool, too. You got to say, Lee, hey, my mom call her back, or call your mom and put her on. That's your job. You know, if she don't fucking know, you got an educator. You know, she's an attorney. She better fucking start running and thank you cards

and cards for everything. This is just common sense. The reason why people didn't answer you is because between you and I, nobody does that no more. Right. I did it for everything. When I went to prison,

when I got it, I wrote the judge. For fucking 10 years, I wrote the fucking judge. Okay? And to let him know my progress or his efforts didn't feel like they were in vain. You know, when I walk into an audition, whether I eat shit, or not. I don't even erase the audition from the computer because I have his address. That's how

I erase it. I'm only allowed to erase it. So when I get back from the audition, I look at my wife and I'll be right back. I go right into the room. I don't give a fuck what's going on. I fill out the thank you card and I put on the mantle so it goes out the next day. So there's no misunderstanding. I don't do it later. As I walk up the stairs, I'm thinking about it. You know, this is something that it's a natural relation. This is our problem as human beings. We blame everything. Well, she's from fucking Compton. Who gives her fuck when she's from? She's from Mars. These are the things

you have to know or you have to say something. So your mom can't be mad at Paula. She's type of confused. Nobody's fucking sent there a fucking card with an envelope of money. So in her mind, she doesn't know where it's coming from. Like, what do I do next? So I sympathize. So it takes

you to go, call my mother and thank her for the fucking card, please. Yeah, it's really... I don't have to fucking... I don't know what to say. You know what the fuck to say you're an attorney what do you do when you go to court what you're going to tell the fucking guy I don't know what to say no you know what to say thank you I enjoy it I bought a nice pair of shoes for fucking school

yeah that's I bought some manners nobody has ever I think that I think no no no Lee you have to do this because there's people that go right listen man three years ago I grew up with this family that was a class family when I grew up I mean they were like the hierarchy of the town Yeah.

Very classy town. Nice people. When you walked in the house, they offered your glass of water. I don't know how many meals I had there. I'll do anything for them. Right. They called me about two years ago. Leanos, and they said, my nephew's out there,

could you show them a good time. I did one better. I got him in a hotel room that I paid two days out of my pocket from them because I didn't want them in the house with the cats and the baby. Yeah. You know, when you're 21, you don't know about babies. Sure. You don't get a fuck about babies.

Right. I feel you. You know what I'm saying? But I never saw. I'm like that. After two days, and I wanted him to stay four days. He's from my own town. Yeah. Not one thank you to my wife.

Oof. Listen, I don't give a fuck what matters you got towards me. I feel you. Yeah. I'm nobody to tell a 21-year-old what to do. Right. My wife hands you a bowl of food. You don't even look at her.

We got a problem. Finally, the second day, I pulled him in a sign. Do me a favor. When my wife gives you something, say thank you. Right. He looked at me like I was from another time. But between you and I, I don't think he knew. Well, he must not have.

I think his mother loved him so much and never corrected that fault. You know what with me? I don't have time. Come here for a second. Go over and say fucking thank you. Yeah. The fuck is wrong with you.

Yeah. Oh, I'm going to say thank you. Or a lot of times, I judged 9 out of 10 comics. When I was in Brea, I could have gave a comic $10 and $10. Sure. I chopped that thing up three ways.

The feet turned to get the same thing. The next day when I wake up on my Facebook or in my email, it better be a fucking thank you. Well, there better be a call of 9-on-1 saying thank you. If there isn't, I ain't mad at you. Yeah. I think I actually did call you about that. 9-0-1. 9-1.

And you got to know, I usually don't even call, but like that was so cool, I did. People, this is something that you do. I was found something that day. When people call you up and go, I have a job for you. You have to audition. I've heard comics go, fuck Matt Fultron. He's making me audition. If Lysayak called me and he got me to audition,

Even if I didn't get it, he thought of me. Exactly. He put his word up for me. Right. He went to a cast director and say, hey, man, your party ain't going to stun unless you get Joey in here. But I'm looking for a penguin-looking guy. Perfect. Whatever.

Get him in here. You don't know what you're fucking looking for. And I'm not putting you down, Lee. We're not putting your girlfriend. No, no, no. I'm putting you down. This is like what I told you that you're killing yourself the whole time because you won't say nothing. This is like having a child that does what he wants.

And you don't say, no, we're not going to no fucking museum for that. you know, hey, listen, we're not doing this today. Listen, we went out to this place. Now I got to drive to Adam, I'm going to a concert. I don't even know these fucking people. Why am I doing this? I don't listen to these people. Why am I doing this?

And somebody would go, you're right. This isn't about you. Right or wrong. I don't give a fuck. If I go to Terrier, you want to do something? No, it's it not for her. Yeah. This is why I've always been in a big advocate for earphones.

When I got my black sabbatant, you're not going to hear it. But when you have that jump and Jew music on, I don't want to hear it either, so make sure you got your earphones on. Yeah, now you're in a pickle because now it's been two weeks since she got the card. Yeah. So tomorrow... It's not too late. No, it's not too late.

But thankfully, my mom's card got delayed, and she felt really bad about it, so... So she what? My mom's card got delayed, so she felt really bad about it, so I think I got a couple weeks to save it. I'll just tell it tomorrow. Shut on the way, when you see it, go, you got a call... Not like, listen, I think... No, not like what I just told you with the ticket. Assume the clothes.

You know, to assume. to close me? Hand her to the phone? Yeah, you have to call my mother. Here, call my mother. Right. What are you talking about? Call my mother to thank her for the car.

We're not savages here. And she'll look at you. You know, and tell her that. We're not fucking savages here. We're not savages, bro. We're human beings. You got a fucking call. You got a call and say thank you.

That goes so much. Oh. Because, and I'll tell you when it goes long, when you go shopping, when you shop for a house or when you shop for a car, that's what's going to make the difference. Not the guy that calls you and says,

hey, Lee, come on down. I got the manager to do a deal. It's a guy that goes, Lee, I'm not calling you. I just want you to know, I want you to make sure you got all the information you're looking for to make this decision. You have to pay for it? Yes, I do.

Thank you. Thank you for coming in. Guess what? As soon as I'm clicking that phone, I'm looking the envelope with a snake, you know. I'm walking up to the corner and delivering it. So when he gets home from work tomorrow, Joey Diaz is on his fucking mind.

in tomorrow. That's what this whole, you know, that we're missing because everybody's on the computer. Nobody's around to tell them. Nobody wants to tell your kids anymore how to fucking act. Like nobody really wants to, I see it. I see it when I go to, you know, I see how kids behave. And the parents sit there, ha-ha, and the texting. I want to fucking end this.

Yeah. I want to end the smartphone. I want to end the smartphone because it's making us dumber. We are missing life. Yeah. We are missing pieces of life. Go anywhere now. I went to the mall with the baby.

Yes, I got off the plane from Austin. I went to the mall with the baby. The wife is Valentine's and the baby runs around this thing there. My wife gets Chipotle at the mall. Yeah. And I got the protein smoothie, the slim down. And I make the best of it. You know what I'm saying?

Sometimes we get the pizza Joe, something. It's a quick thing. There's always parking right up front because it's Sunday. Nobody goes early. I usually go early like 930, 10. What's I talking about? We're talking about smartphones. I know you made fun of the museum,

but we went there and it was like some really cool South American stuff. Seeing the stuff that was from like 700 AD that people made with rocks and tools dwarfed anything I could ever make. Yeah, but how good was Instagram back then? Fucking terrible. Did you take one of those tools to stab yourself in the fucking eyeball? No, but I'm making you...

Actually, you should have fucking done. What point? Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? At the end of the week, how does it affect your fucking wife? When you go to fucking shop, when you come here to make Gidas, how doesn't affect your life? See it two spoons from South America.

That's great. That's fucking great. That's not my point. What's your point? That people back then, without the smartphones and stuff, could do all this amazing stuff. That's right. Yeah.

That's right, because we're stuck in this fucking dumb phone. Right. Anyway you go, people are missing life. You know, somebody asked me this week, you don't Twitter all day. Why would I want to do that? I'm missing life. I don't give a fuck.

I'm reporting life to you. I've stopped. Live your fucking life. I'm talking. I'm fucking sick of it. I tweet in the mornings. Sometimes at night to tell them about the podcast

get people going on Sunday night time. The week is over. Because a lot of people wake up Monday. I'm hung over. No, you shouldn't have been hung over.

You know, I see all these people cry. But they cry. Everybody's crying. I don't get it. How the fuck are you, what happened to Sunday night? Yeah.

What happened to Sunday night? You didn't prepare. You have a week in front of it. You have to prepare on Sunday by that fucking week. Trust me, I used to go after the store and do blow.

Then I wake up on Mondays and when my life was in shambles. Right. Because I didn't prepare for the week. Absolutely. There was no preparation for fucking Monday. Yeah. These are all little things that you are. You got to do.

You got to get your shit together. This is why in today's society you don't send your kid to college. You're right about that. The first year. They've been so socially robbed. They're so socially robbed of the social. What's really going on. You know,

Do you think if you didn't have a mom or a dad and you were working for $8 an hour, do you think you'd be at that fucking museum? No, I don't fucking think so. I got other problems. It's the, it's the, we, like I just said, wasted fucking time. Yeah, no, it's four years of, like, prime time,

just gone. And this is what I'm looking at now as a 52-year-old. I'm trying to pass on to Lee and pass on to other people. There's so many things that you think are so important when you're 26 and at the end of the day

they don't fucking matter when they're fucking fucking you in the ass and victing you from your house what are you gonna tell I went to see what these people were doing the 700 AD in Columbia do you get it

you can't deposit that in the AT you have our minds somewhere else but then we don't we get pissed off when things aren't going our way like man I want more well you're dicking around this is what's going on this is what goes on all over the fucking place I did it for 15 years

I told you guys. I wanted the headline, but you don't want to go on in feature for free. You know what I'm saying? I had all these expectations, but I didn't want to do what was in front of me, what was necessary to do what's in front of me. My old partner in crime, you know,

the podcast is what's in front of you. Cut the thing and put it up. No, well, I have to go to this place and do an interview. Who does the fuck about your interview? The podcast needs to go up. That's what's in front of you. You're avoiding it.

I fucking hate going to Jiu-Jitsu dog. Because I know I'm just going to get beat up. and sure. But I go in there anyway because I know eventually I'll get better. After a while, one day my mind's in the click and go, you're not going to get beat up no more. You're going to start sweeping motherfuckers. That's absolutely right. This is it. This is what we do, people. So stop your fucking crying.

Life ain't going how you wanted to fucking go. Do something about it. Close the gaps. Close the fucking gaps. I get all these emails that life ain't going how you're supposed to go. No, there's no luck involved. There's seven days a week, 70 hours of fucking gaps. a week.

Yeah. 70 hours a week. You know, when I first... Don't get me started on the national anthem. It's President's Day. You sack some motherfucking shit. Get up.

Get up. It's a beautiful day to be alive. It may be 100 inches. Turn that into a fucking snowball and eat it. What the fuck is wrong with you? At least you're getting snow. The East Coast. Stop your fucking crying.

You bad motherfuckers. Get up. Get the flag. Shovel. Get a heart attack. You fuck. What is this thing with Governor Christie? Fucking tell them people, you can't knock on people's doors and shovel.

It's free right. You got to shovel. You got to make a fucking living, cock suckers. When you put this on for? I'm too high for the national. I didn't even plan it for president's day. I forgot it was President's Day. Me too.

I forgot it was fucking President. Because we're too busy work and we don't take days off. Because of a fuck. That's the goddamn truth because that's church. When I was a kid on this day, I'd go to Harlem Gloat tribes every fucking year. Yeah. My mother would take me to the heart. That's fucking awesome.

This is it the Monday after because it wouldn't be my birthday the next weekend. You see how I wrong? I don't fuck around. At least I am. You don't. What do you got tomorrow? How are you feeling, my brother? I'm fucked up.

I got fluid in my ear from my shower. I got to put a cute thing from my ear after I take a shower and I fucking forget. And the fucking fluid just sits there. I know. It's not gross. Oh, I hate like I'm going to get that vertigo all over again. What do you got going on? What dates?

I want you to come back before you suit the special. I will. So we give you all the support you are. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm calling you up, too. I love you, Joey. I love you.

Thank you. You fucking cracked me up to pieces. Thanks, man. I didn't. But I put up my podcast today. How are you going to grow up to be big control? You put up your podcast? I put up my podcast.

How's it doing? I haven't looked up the numbers yet. I wrote a blog and then I put up a podcast, which Matt did a while ago. I went about to put up. Congratulations, brother. Yeah, man. Thanks. I was, it's hard.

That's how you keep from waiting at Denny's. Tell them what you feel was. It was just, uh, It's a lot to commit to And it's a lot I had a vision for what I wanted to do I'm not a vision I just had a I

I've learned a lot From working on a bunch of different podcasts And I thought there was a way to do something And I saw And I just didn't want it to not do well Oh who cares So I've been putting it off And putting it off

But I put it up today Just put it out and it grows It just grows over the years Yeah Like I told them I said listen You'll never know until you put it up And if it's not good at the beginning You just keep

tweaking it. You get it better, better, better. And you tweak it. And that's what this whole podcast thing is about. Yeah. We weren't doing good for a long fucking time, but we stuck it out at 6 in the morning. Yeah. And we made our fucking point, you know? And that's part of this whole fucking thing. That's beautiful, man. Congratulations, dude.

It really is awesome. Doing a blog is tough too. Oh, thank you. Is it? No, but I'm doing two a month. Oh, no. Dude, slow down. I'm doing two podcasts. I'm not doing a podcast. I'm not doing a podcast every week. You're doing a blog, two blogs a month? And then two podcasts a month. Did. Slow down.

You're going to kill yourself. I know. It's too much. But Joey called me this morning and told me to write a blog to write it out. I had started one like four or five days ago, but I just couldn't, it's hard to know what to say. Like it's hard to put your point across without sounding weird or... You do your best. It's the thing. It's a blog. You're not working for anybody. There's no real consequences to not doing a perfect blog. I miss your blog. I know you're too. I know it's busy. It's your world. It's your world.

Whatever you're writing a blog on a weekly level, it's your fucking world. Exactly. It's better. The idea is that it comes out. Not that it's perfect. It comes out all the time. Listen, man, if you want to do something at home, a blog, a podcast, look at Pat Shea does a podcast.

People are doing all the type of things. You know what? Who gives a fuck? If three people listen. Just be the best podcast you can for those three people. Yeah. That's it. Who gives a fuck about iTunes ratings? You're getting your voice out there. You're getting your life out there. You're putting your heart out there. If you're really putting your heart out there, people will feel it. They feel it. If you're faking the fuck,

listen, we're all not going to be fucking great podcasters. We're all going to think it's radio at first. But like you said, 10 years, you find your voice. You know, Lee's finding his voice on a podcast. It all evolves, man. But it's better than not doing anything. Who gives a fuck? Listen, who's interesting? It's really interesting. It's so much better than not doing anything. It's like leaps and bounds ahead of it.

I know people come out to me and they tell me aside, like, I'm not an interesting person. When do you get an interesting? You do something that's very interesting. You just don't sell it. You think you look down on what you do. Right. You know, I think somebody who fixes a car is interesting.

Why? Because I can't fucking do it. Yeah. I can't do it. I can't change a flat. I mean, I can change one. Right. It takes me two and a half hours and shit.

By that time, the fucking guy comes on the troll train. I'm a 4-05 and helps you from the state. Yeah, you didn't even call them. It's just like you look like shit out there. I got to stop and help you. They really do have a great service here in L.A. But please, people, you have something you want to put out there. It's free.

Yeah. Blogger.com, free. I don't give a fuck if every week on Monday you just put out, it's going to be a great week. These are the things I'm going to blog it. And I guarantee people will start reacting to you going, you know what? I need to do that. I don't want to do that. That, though.

I got a bunch of good comments on it. It was cool. Yeah, Lee, trust me, because people see your... People already like you, man. Who gives a fuck what you write? I love it when you write a blog that's heartfelt, and you spell a word wrong, and there's 10 idiots. You spell whatever, really?

This is what you got out of it. This is why you're on the computer 10 hours. Exactly. You're a fucking loser because this is what you look for as a fault. Instead of looking for somebody's beauty in their fucking blog. Yeah. Or somebody's beauty in their dish they brought up from Columbia on a fucking Saturday for Lee to go down there.

Look at it. You're lucky. I love you, Coxucker. If not, you'd be on the 170 with a fucking plank rolling

on your head right now. Out there with three hookers, I got dead out there right next to them. You got a group of people dead out of 117?

I got off three or four fucking people that got confused out there by the 170 by Sherman Way. Now he gets some editing to do on top of it all. Every time I go out

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Boom. How are you feeling, brother? You're gonna finish this cookie? No, God, you're crazy. You're whittling away, man. You better eat that cookie. You want to smoke some more weed. What do you want to do?

I'm cool, though. Lee wants to go to bed. Lee ain't going to bed. Lee got to put that air conditioning on it's hot. It's fucking. I'm cold. Oh, my God. Look at me.

I'm spreading up a storm. I ain't one too many edibles and my estrogen's coming out of my beans. I was going to chill in here. Are you Kelly, Willie? I'm fine. How many pieces of that cookie have you eat? Oh, barely any of it, but I'm high as shit.

Really? Oh, yeah. I see every 15 minutes. I got no tolerance, man. I see every 15 minutes. Listen, I'm easing into it, Joe. I can't be like. Look at this poor bastard.

Look how he is. It looks great. I never seen anyone so happy. This poor bastard. See that? How many milligrams today? 40. No, more than that.

40. That's not true. 25, 15, and five for the cookie. 160. Tops, tops. I only think there's one level of these. stars. I think they're all 125. I don't believe the hype.

You're as tough as fucking nails even if they're 125. Again, I knew it. Matt Fulton, what's your next date? Tell me. Yo, I think I'm going to be up in Ventura with Tom Segura, March 11th. So that'll be a fun show. March 11th and Ventura County Comedy Club? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is it like Ventura Harbor? Comedy Club? Something like that, yeah. Okay, there you go. I know, shit. I see stuff happening. Indianapolis, you bad motherfuckers. I'm coming to you, motherfuckers next week. Oh shit. What's the name of the club in Indiana? Crackers? Crackers like a motherfucker. Is that it? February 26 to the 28th. Don't fucking miss it. Be there. That's right.

Or be square. Or be square. I love you guys. I want to thank Matt Fultron again. I want to thank you guys in the bottom of my heart for watching, listening, having a good time. Lease I have for being a soldier as usual, getting high with us. Podcast is called Flying to Radio. Yeah, go down on. The Jewish is definitely flying tonight. And he's going to go home and do push-ups. Push-ups.

Yeah. I'm trying to think of the menu I could concoct right now. There ain't no fucking menus in your life, cuck, sucker. I love you guys. Thank you very much for coming on tonight and helping this out and watching. Have a great fucking week. We'll see you Wednesday afternoon. Put it onnet.com.

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