The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #262 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: March 5, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. 
Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box 
Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. 
Recorded live on 03/04/2015.
 Music:
 Sabbath Blood Sabbath - Black Sabbath Big Papa - Bigggie Smalls

This show is brought to you by naturebox.com. Naturebox ships great tasting, healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free NatureBox simple box at Naturebox.com at NatureBox.com. That's right. Free Naturebox snacks are found at Naturebox.com slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by Meundies.com. Go to Meundies.com and check out the pictures of the men's and women's underwear. They have great shirts.

They have socks. The most comfortable clothes you're going to wear at a great price. And right now it's even better because you're going to get 20% off of your first order when you go to meetundies.com slash Joey. And right now, if you live in the United States and Canada, you're going to get a free shipping as well. That's meetundies.com slash joey. Go to onit.com and use co-word church to get 10% off of all of their optimization products. AlphaBrain has a complete 100% money back guarantee.

New mood, Trum Tech Immune, Trum Tech Sport. It's Code Word Church to get 10% off. And go to iron dragon TV.com. Iron Dragon TV is a brand new Roku channel with all of your favorite martial arts movies. Use Code Word Joey to get two free rentals. Oh shit. What were you thinking, motherfuckers?

It's the church of what's happening now. Wednesday, March 4th, afternoon. Dropping a little... You see right through. Oh shit. The devil was buried to see you, bad motherfuckers. The execution of your mind. You understand me?

That's what the fucking church is. The end begin. Oh, stop it. Stop it. No. We haven't heard that for a while. It's a good little fucking jam, hey. I listen to that to my darkest fucking hours every day, two, three times a day.

I salute the phonograph. You understand me? That's how much I was into that song. What's happening? It's a beautiful day to be alive. What's up, my brother? It's a great day to be live. Fucking beautiful weather here.

It's hard to believe it has not stopped on the East Coast. I don't even know what to say no more because every time I talk to my friends, they're like, holy shit. George fell down the stairs there. They hurt his wrist. Is he okay? Yeah, he said he banged up his wrist and shook his eye. There was an ice storm. Oh, okay.

You know, for you people don't know. When I left Indianapolis there, I got stuck at the airport for nine hours on Sunday. I got there 10 to 6. We didn't fly out to like five after. three or some shit. Got into LA about 5.30. Thank God there was, and it was raining when I got in. Thank God there was no traffic and shit.

I made it home in time. But yeah, nine fucking hours. So I know it's bad out there. I'm headed out to Cleveland in the morning. You motherfuckers are hilarious. Get ready for Uncle Joey. He's coming with two guns. I'm ready to rock.

Was at the store last night? That was great last night. That's awesome. Have you seen Ari's billboard on Sunset? I've seen pictures of it. I've been down there. I've seen pictures. I've been down there.

It's fucking tremendous. this I made the right and went down and took a look out. I think I'm on the show on March 19th. Don't forget to watch that night. Let me tell you what's going on. I'm going to the church for help on this one because Comedy Central don't really dig me, so we got to get some fucking numbers for that episode. Maybe they'll let us shoot a fucking special at Comedy Central.

It's really cool. It's you and Ari. It's just me and Ari. And we're going to do the podcast that Monday morning, the 16th, the day before St. Patty's at, like, nine. We're going to eat the mushrooms. We're going to go fucking nuts. Let me tell you guys what happened.

So Monday night, last week I went to Indianapolis, my main man, Captain fucking Redbeard came in shit, and we were outside, he brought his friend, and we were talking to this other guy, and I know the guy's name, but he hooked me up tremendously, gave me these mushrooms that you soak in 151 and all this, this whole thing. I heard about it, but I had never eaten them like that.

Well, let me tell you something. Me and Lee split one of those balls the other day, And I got to tell you something, I was fucked up until about midnight on that little fucking... Oh my God, I was fucked up for days. I was fucked up. And I was a little fucked up yesterday, too, a little bit in the daytime. But that night I left, and when I got to the room, the next morning, yesterday morning, I could not find the mushrooms.

I thought I had lost the last two pellets. He gave me three pellets. And you gave, like, a tiny amount. It was nothing that I gave you. I mean, it was minuscule, and I ate the rest of it. And I went home, I stayed up until two. that I trip when I got home, not really, but I knew I had eaten mushrooms.

I was just watching like reruns or something, whatever the fuck was on 20, Cannon or whatever's on late night, those old Hawaii 5-0 type shows. So I watched that for a while. And the next morning when I got up, I realized how high I was, but I had lost the two pellets,

these two little little pills. I lost them. And I rushed to the office today, and I opened the door, and there's nothing in here. I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ, I can't believe I drew away those goddamn mushrooms.

I was counting on those fucking things, right? So my nose is congested. I sprayed my nose. I went to the bathroom. As I'm walking to the bathroom, guys, I look over by the garbage, and there's a tiny little piece in the fucking paper on the floor.

My luck. And I look in it, and there it is, the two little hits of mushrooms. So I went to throw them away my mistake the end of it. But thank God, whoever cleaned the building

and the people who are in this building are lazy motherfuckers. See, they got no character. They didn't bend over the piece of paper. They would have found two hits of mushrooms. They would have thought it was a ball of hash. They were going to struck fucking eureka. But two days later, that's the luck.

And you know me, dog, I let life dictate. Once you find things that you lose, you've got to eat those motherfuckers. We were going to eat them today. But I got some shit to do tonight. Lee's got some shit to do, so we're just going to give it a breathing. But I did have a great time in Indianapolis. We didn't have a chance to talk about it because Greg Proops to see the end of it. I want to thank Greg Proops.

That was a great podcast. It was very insightful. And I told you, and it's nothing against Greg, but I just, if I had a guess I wouldn't have guessed you guys would have been friends or gone along but I guess that's just the bond that comedians have if you see a comedian you have like a cool

bond with them well when you see a comedian I mean you can do two things you could have jealousy or whatever to have people you could create like this you could create like this animosity towards a comic maybe they've done more things than you have

whatever I don't look at it that way I look at that we all have our own We all have our own journey, and you each do what you do. And maybe what Ari does doesn't work for me, and I do something different, you know, and what fucking, you know, McBentoncourt does. You know, but we all strive to have success in certain ways. When I got here, I would talk to comics that that's all they would do all day. It's bad mouth of the comics, and I never understood it.

I told the story on Stasia. That's why I don't like Bill Cosby. Listen, you're not going to get along with everybody. I don't get along with everybody. but because of personality conflicts maybe you know a lot of people don't like me because of my personality but it's very rare when you look at a comic and you and I see it I see it from a lot of comics who hate comics over jealousy right because they've gotten things that somebody else hasn't gone Greg Poop's has a tremendous career tremendous and I've watched them on that fucking whose line

is it I mean listen improv comedy is not my cup of fucking tea you know I don't have the the the, you know, utmost whatever, towards it, because it's a group, whatever, and I'm up there by myself, so I really don't comprehend it. But I don't bad mouth, and I enjoy watching it. It's just not for me. I went to Improv Olympic.

Did you know that? No, yeah. I took like three, two semesters, two classes of writing, intro to sketch writing and writing two or something. Okay. And I felt that my practical skill from stand-up had taught me more. than the book type smart, like they were trying to teach me.

Right. Well, from listening to podcasts, it seems like a lot of comics do improv, but they do it earlier in their career. Maybe you've just been doing stand-up for so long that you didn't need what improv was trying to teach you. Well, I was improvving on stage my first four years. I went up there with nothing.

I would just, and it sucks. When it's good, it's really good. But when it's bad, it's really fucking bad, not to have a path. You always have to have a path. and I would go up there. Even great improvisers would go up and let's say you have a beginning, a middle, and an end.

That's tremendous. I would go up there with nothing. So some people have like improvising, they have a bit and they improvise. Then they have another bit and they improvise. Don't get me wrong. There's times I'll improvise off something on stage right in the middle of that energy.

You know, that energy's cooking, so right away you run with it. But the art of improv, like the long method and all that stuff, I never really knew what that was. But when you're... watch him and his show. I think the fucking black guy is talented as fuck. Wayne Brady's a bad motherfucker.

And the tall goofy dude. Ryan, who I didn't know. Apparently, it's his show now. That's what Greg said at the end of the show. It's his group. I thought Aisha Taylor was the host on it. I think she might be the host, but I think Ryan's,

because Ryan's been there for as long as I can remember. I remember watching it with my mom and my brother when I was really young. It was like the songs I used to do, and it was very funny. I like, when it's something spontaneous. The audience really likes spontaneity.

When something comes up, I mean, you feel it. You know, you feel it. You know what you. People think they know the difference. I could go on stage and act like this is all new. Yeah. Because I've done it a thousand times. Well, it's interesting for me,

because I get to go a lot to the comedy clubs with you. And you laugh on stage. Like you said something at the end of the last podcast. I was just way too zonked out. Like it's, you like when you make yourself laugh on stage. And I've seen you do the same jokes a few times. You don't laugh at the same spot of every joke, but I've seen comedians who have a spontaneous laugh or something

that's just part of the bit. And to me, that comes off as disingenuous. It's worse. Like, how good it can be when you make yourself laugh, it's that much worse when you see somebody and they have the same laugh at the same moment. And it's a, if they do it right, it's great. If they do it bad, it's really bad.

I've never liked the forced laughter. Right. When I'm doing a, when you're acting and you do a sitcom and they got to laugh at the same joke, 80 fucking times, that's always driven me crazy. Right. It's always driven me. You said something to me about the special we were watching,

and the laughter was out of sync, like they added laugh tracks. You know who I think adds a lap track, and I don't like it? Because the shit's funny, Daniel Tosh. Oh, yeah, probably. I was watching it last night, and I thought it was a lap track. I'm like, why does this have a fucking lap track? I thought he shot in front of an audience. He does shoot in front of an audience.

And I did a show, one of my last shows. You know who I did? Because we saw him in Austin. Gary Owen had a show with Shaquille O'Neal on Trude TV a few years ago. And the EP, the executive producer of that show, created Tosh Point O. So what happens a lot is, at least in my opinion, is that they probably has a laugh track because they're bringing in producers who have worked on TV for 30 years. and they all they want there's a guy I there used to be a guy who would come into the office to do the laugh track and he comes in he's like an 80 year old dude with like a little computerized keyboard sort of thing and I think it's what I was saying about the special is something you've told me to look for is when you hear laughter but people's backs are straight up they're not moving at all so it's that on the on touch well no which I like too they probably want it to make it seem like every joke is hysterical

where the studio audience probably was laughing my ass off. I'm like, why this sounds like a laugh track. Like they sound like they're laughing, but the tail end of the laugh. Yeah. It sounds like America's most wanted. Funny somebody's that I work on, yeah. Yeah, they audio mix it, which is okay.

It's called sweetening. So yeah, they probably had good laughs, but they... And that's part of the editing process, sweetening? It's part of the audio editing product, the audio mixing process. They sweet in every show. That's basically like the term for all mixing. But yeah, they send it when they have it already,

they send a laugh track guy in, at least for that show. After they tape the show. Right. How many steps, excuse me, how many steps do you have after you tape the actual show until the general public season, like on ABC?

For America's funny some videos. It's, so they tape it and they do a line cut, which means there's actually a director there and he's switching cameras. And like I just wanted to go see Jeff. and it's probably the same thing. They switch cameras live on set.

And by that point, at least for America's Funniest Some videos, they've already edited the packages together. So then they go in and they just put, they splice it in, they have some graphics they have to put in. Once the show is shot, it only takes about a week or two to edit it. The majority of the work goes in when the writers are picking the clips and they edit that together but it's shot it's like edited in two pieces because they have to edit the the clips the funny clips but then they have to go in and edit what they shot with the host it's probably how

tosh point oh is edited i would imagine they get all the clips together and they have it would be like a playlist for a youtube videos it just goes one after another and they do that but then tosh point oh has all those graphics you have to put in and and yeah they probably do a laugh track it there's probably they probably do some testing and they bring some old people in or they bring some people in who have the day off from work and they enjoy the show better when there's a laugh track so that's what they do.

It's, I understand why they do it, but it's one of the reasons why people are leaving television. Now, in all the TV shows, do they always have consumer groups, whatever you call those groups? Probably. That comment. Probably at the beginning of the show.

America's Funniestone videos just is on season 25 right now. So honestly, they could bring anyone in to do almost any job and it would get done just because it's been going on for so long. But yeah, they probably do. They probably have focus groups brought

in and the whole thing is about making money. So they want to make sure that the most people are going to watch it. It's funny, well, other than Seattle, I used to go to focus groups to tell me and Josh Wolf made some money. Yeah, I'm signed up. I get the emails, but I never go in. It's like always weird

ones. It's like diabetes or... Diabetes. What do they want to know? I don't know. I haven't read it, but... No, but this is when you went into offices and you tasted like a beer. Right, yeah. And you wrote your opinion. They pay your 75 cash at the end of the fucking thing. Like, I used to do those things in Seattle.

Yeah. And they got there to just make ends meet as a comic. And then when you go to Myrtle Beach, there's those condo scams that you sit through them and they give you $200. I heard that's what... Have you seen the signs around L.A. for $99 airfare to Hawaii? Yeah. That's what that is. Is they make you sit for a timeshare.

And then... because I kept Google. I googled it one day. Because for people who don't know, when you drive around Los Angeles, there's these signs that's a $99 airfare to Hawaii. So I googled the number. And I found this page where people were talking about it.

They bring you in to talk about a timeshare. And then let's say you went in with your wife. And you guys just said no. They'd look to your wife and be like, why do you want to be with this asshole? He doesn't take you anywhere nice. Apparently they'll really mean about it. But if you can make it through the meeting,

you get really cheap airfare. Pretty fucking interesting. I didn't know what the $99. I remember one day we were driving and I saw the guy spinning the sign. I'm like, there's a hurricane going on. This fucking knucklehead a couple, like two months ago

when there was like there was a typhoon was supposed to hit. Godzilla was making a comeback. This fucking dirty dude is spinning the sign a wide $99. I wanted to fucking hit him with the car. There's a hurricane going on and you're spending a $99 side.

Ain't nobody going to call you, Cox, Sucker? Oh my God. It's true. I mean, you know, you just see these people. You're like, what are you thinking? a fucking typhoon going on it. It was the, what the, what the fuck? When the water goes back and it comes back.

High tide? No, the other one that they were scared. Sunami? Sunami. It was a fucking tsunami. I don't know. I ain't know whether forecasted, dog. What are you bothering me for? I always feel bad when I see people working outside. And then, did you see that thing in New York that they did?

They had this kid pretend to be homeless and people kept walking by him for two hours, like in the snow? No. No? Okay. But what do you expect? That's what do you expect? That's what New York is raised on.

When you're walking the snow, you're going to stop to help some fucking dude. If he wants to sit there and ask for Nichols, that's his fucking business. Why should anybody stop? I don't know. Tell me why. Because I'm an American guy. I got to stop for everybody who lays on the fucking floor. Who's like a nine-year-old kid?

Fuck him. What do you want to do? Maybe he's out there hustling, shoveling money. And nobody stopped from him. One homeless guy did at the end of the video. Yeah, that's why? Because he's bored to debt. Nobody gives a fuck.

If you're nine and you're sitting on the corner there and nobody, What was he doing? Sitting there freezing? Yeah, with like a little trash bag. Oh, like what? Like, he got gotten thrown out? Yeah, like, they were pretending. Like, they were saying his parents threw him out.

But it didn't make sense to me because if he was really that cold, he was in, like, shorts and a t-shirt, like, wrapped up in a trash bag on the ground. Oh, fuck. Maybe I got to stop. I mean, I thought you meant some kid in, like, a parker with sneakers on. Oh, no, no, yeah. He had, like, no clothes on. Oh, no, then you got to stop.

And worst case, now you're selling to somebody for 10 bucks. I don't fucking. I don't fucking know. What do you do with something? I mean, you know, you live in a fucking, you live in a society where every time I wake up, there's a different coach molesting a fucking student. Right.

Right? There's a teacher fucking this one, a coach, a parent, this, that, you know. So in a way, I'm scared to talk to kids. You are? Yeah, for kids, not my kid. What don't I got to talk to him for? I don't want to say this chubby dude came over here and asked me to lick his ball. I don't need that aggravation in my life.

Well, what do you do if someone says, mercy? out? On a adult? If I'm there, I look at what is ambitious, what his intentions are. I mean, you know, sometimes there's a couple with their own kid, and they go, you have a cute kid.

But there's a guy at the park that I know is creepy. When I take it to the one park, the North Hollywood, and I walk around the Long Park, there's a dude that always comes around. He's always, like, lurking in the shadows. I'm like, leave mercy for five minutes. He runs up. And I had to ask him in time,

what are you doing here, man? And he didn't know what the fuck out. Like, he may believe, like, I know his number. That's a fucking, that motherfucker lives in the tree with lollipops in his pocket. And he fucking falls out when the parent goes to a car to get car keys or some shit. I'm telling you, he has like a creepy hat. He does.

He wears like one of those people, like Jimmy Buffett. Like he's going to the Bahamas, one of those fucking hats. And I never see him walking around. He just always pops up with mercies by the fence. Yeah, that has to be scary. Yeah, they'll take her right to Mexico. They get fucking $200 for that. that little fucking pretty cute kid.

These motherfuckers, how many kids are abducted in this country every year? When you hear the number, it's mind-boggling. Is it really? Yeah, it's mind-boggling. Look it up if you want. Child abductions in the United States of America on a yearly basis, and then you break it down to a monthly and a weekly, it's fucking absurd what they do.

And who knows what they do with these fucking kids? You know, they ship them to other countries. Who the fuck knows? They sell them to people. Are you starting to teach her? Like, what do you do with strangers? Because she's going to daycare. She's two in a fucking quarter.

You know, not even. She's two in two months. I mean, she has stranger danger. But children have natural instincts. You know, you have natural instincts that you know. I look at her a lot. When I have friends over, I look at her a lot how she reacts. Because they don't know.

They just go like by an energy. You know, they're real. They're children. But Mercy's okay. This morning at the park, I had a little situation. Some kid took her phone. And she, you know, I took it to the park early, like nine in the morning. There's about 10 kids at the park, a couple parents, a couple Mexican nannies.

They take, they bring the food and everything, Doug. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. 800,000. 800,000 fucking thousand. 800,000 abductions a year in the United States of America. Yeah, it doesn't say if it's America or the world, but that's a lot of kids. That's a lot of fucking kids, my friend.

And it's a 200,000 were abducted by family members. Well, yeah, let's say. You go through a divorce. Did you ever think about doing that? No. No? Oh, what happened? Any news?

No, she never called. That was just a, that was just a smoke screen to buy herself in what time. Which I don't get a fuck. What are you going to do? You know what I'm saying? Divided by 12 equal fucking, shh. That's 60,000 kids a month or something. A year, maybe.

Well, it's 800,000 a year. Yeah, so 60,000. A month? Oh, yeah, I'm a month. Fuck. Oh, 70,000. I don't even fucking know. You know what I mean? I can't figure out of this fucking phone

with the digits and the DOM is I did what I had to do. I'm going to continue to call. I called this morning again and said, hey, thinking about you? Yeah, man, because I got feedback from people who listened to the podcast. A lot of people. I got a very interesting one this week from a gentleman who said he never met his father. He kept asking

the mother and the mother wouldn't tell him. One day he went looking for the father and went back with him was that the father I really didn't care that he even lived. And he goes, what got me about you is that you at least care. Stick in there, you know. And I don't know if she'll ever call. And she might not have a call, you know.

But I opened the door, man. And that's the best you could do in this life. Opening the door for somebody, letting them know what their options are. And you put the ball in their court. And maybe she's not getting the message. What do you want me to fucking do? If she's not getting the message, hopefully when she dies, she'll go to fucking hell. I don't know.

I don't know what the fuck do. Have you seen Gabriel's latest special in the Fluffy movie? No, I have not. A big part of his act. And spoiler, if you're going to watch it. Because I watched it last night. It's about his father. It's about his father coming back.

Right. And now he doesn't know how to have. 30 years later. And he said he was freaked out, but now he's doing it. Like, he's happy he did. They have a good relationship. But apparently his son, like he adopted his son. Like, it's his wife's from a different guy.

And apparently the guy emailed and said, oh, I want to see my son. And he said, oh, I'll wait until it's. been 30 years from me so it's as I was watching and I was just thinking it's the opposite side like do you ever think about how she's going to react it's the opposite like it was the opposite side of your yeah this is why she hasn't called because uh maybe she doesn't know maybe she doesn't know guy you know and yeah this is a lot this is a lot to brought when I left in 2009 5 that day in the car when me and John got into it I really saw the damage I had done you know I saw the damage I had done to her and

and the damage that was happening because she was getting questioned and she didn't, you know, she's not a crime stopper so they would ridicule her, I don't know, whatever the fuck they did to her. So, listen, man, everybody's, just to open the door, it's fine, just to call once a month

and say, hey, listen, let her know I'm thinking about it. That's it. I know what I did. You know, I know what I did, and that's all that matters at the end of the fucking day. You move on and you, you know, I, you know, there's nothing that bothers me more when people take a subject, something in their life that they're doing

and that's what they focus everything around and every time you see them that's their focus of conversation and that was me when this situation first happened in 95. Oh, I'm sure, yeah. This is all I discussed from 93 to 96 what kept me really together that whole time period

that no matter how bad I felt for me to feel better I'd force myself to do comedy in those days. I just not made it like it wasn't a goal it was a forcing and when I was out laughing so I took that energy and I turned it into something else before it really got

so you've been good at that it seems like for most of your life because with the comedy and then now with like the acupuncture it seems like you always whenever you see something in yourself that you don't like you figure out a way to fix or try to fix it at least listen today I went to John Evans's and I did deadlifts and something else and John and I were talking

I was doing sit-ups with a 12-pound kettlebell where you put your arms all the way back Can you do the sit-up? Oh, my God. And it's, listen, I started with fucking nothing. And then I got an eight-pound ball. And what I do is when I go back, I lift my knees up. I push up like I'm doing jih Tzu and I'm buckling off.

Okay. And since my rotated cups are fucked up, I get that ball, and I make the ball hit the back. So I make the ball hit the back. And with the momentum, I pick myself up. Okay. You're following me. I couldn't do that without stopping and breathing.

You know, when he told me, he goes, the first time you came into that class I watched you the first class because I was worried he goes after the hip escapes I thought you were going to die but I went home and I said I can't let that beat me that's just you can't let something

something's going to beat you you can't beat everything you can't be good at everything but if you sit down and you put it into perspective and you go for it and you do what you honestly can I try to go two to three times a week if I go three times in the week my body is fucking wrecked if I go twice a week

week and I spread it out and I do like light lifting during the week of some kettlebells, I'm okay, you know? Right. And you learn this by trying it, you know, and that's it. You just, I never want to let something beat me completely, you know, I got beat up by cocaine for 30 fucking years. I finally beat that, but it took me 27 fucking years, you know what I'm saying? Right.

Sometimes it takes some people longer than others. So that's the beauty of it. But no, I don't ever want to be scared or something. I don't ever want to quit something because I couldn't do it. I don't have mechanical aptitude. I will never be able to fix a car. But I'll try. I could change oil.

You know, if I had it, I could change a flat, you know? Right. Every time I change a flat, the dude who changes flats on the 405 always gets there late.

Yeah. You always have those guys that pull over and they get there fucking late for you, you know, so. It's just trying, man. It's just trying different things.

And then I think you started saying earlier with Mercy would happen with a toy. You had to go get her toy back? That's like, That's a huge thing, because I was always a shy, nervous kid, and I still am, but I've been working on it, but I would definitely have been the kid not to go over and attack it. So that's a cool thing that you're doing that way.

Last night, Terry and Mercy had a situation in the bedroom. I don't know what happened. Terry took something from her, and it wasn't, she wasn't as mad as I could see her rolling her fist. Like, she gets angry. She bounces. She shakes and shit. She gets pissed. And I told my wife that I go out, I didn't mind crying.

Children do that. It's that little anger at the end. That's the Valdez side of her. She gets mad and whatever. I don't want mercy to get pushed around. I don't want mercy to ever get bullied. I don't want mercy to think that she deserves to get bullied or anything like that. My mother really engraved that in me growing up.

I wasn't. When I came from Cuba, I was very quiet and very shy until I got beat up for that fucking lunchbox. You know, and that really fucked with me. That, you know, they broke my head. They hit me in the fucking lunchbox, and I got five stitches in my head or three stitches right fucking here. You know, so that bothered me.

I joined karate. I fucking, you know, I never wanted to be in that position again. You're not going to beat up everybody. And, you know, people are going to surround you and beat you fucking up once in your life on Lancashire. But at least you know how to cover up. At least you know how to breathe as you're getting punched.

At least you know these little things. And they could save your life. You know, a lot of people say that, you know, Suck the offense classes really don't help you. You get something out of him that could save your life one night. You know, I go to Jishishore. I used to go over a V-MAC, and there's a little Filipino guy, little John Delivera, little Filipino nurse, you know.

And he posted something on Facebook that Jiu-Jitsu really works, that some guy came into his thing and was out of control, and he subdued him with side control. And he held him there until he had help, and the cops came and stuff. So it saved everybody around them. Right. And that was it, Lee. When I got beat up that time, that really fucked with me.

And somebody told me in Miami, a friend of my mom's, that that's what changed me. She goes, you went from fucking being a quiet, shy kid. That lunchbox hit you, and fucking everything changed. You just got hit, and you never wanted that again. And when I used to hang out at Mercy's house, Mercedes-Etha's house, this lady in Miami on a 148th, her and her mother, when my stepdad shot the dude when I used to hang on that neighbor, you fought every day over something.

You argued, you push somebody. And I think that's what I liked. That I was forced to push and stick up for myself. And the kids you ran with, you couldn't just say, I don't feel like fighting today. Right.

You know, remember, a fight when you're fucking 19 and a fight when you're 10 or 11 is two different things. Right. You know, you follow me? There's no malice when you're 10 or 11. It's just two kids duke in it out

until somebody gets a bloody nose or a punch lip. You're not going to die. Right. You're not going to die. So I was aware of that. Oh, okay. So I didn't want people ever touching my basketball. You know, I didn't want people taking my ball. You know, there's a lot of people that do weird things to you when you're playing as a kid, you know? Yeah. I saw

this video today, and I don't know what it was, but it was like one of those funny vines or supposed to be funny, but this kid was going up and messing with a girl. And it really bugged me because that happened to me a lot. It wasn't, I got teased every once in a while, but the stuff that bothers me more than anything is like,

like, you know when, oh, I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you, stuff like that. Like, people would do that, like, go up and mess with you, or, and it, I look, look, like, I look back on it. The only fight I ever really got in wasn't even really a fight. It was like, I was, like, a junior or senior in high school, and this bigger, he was bigger than me, but he was, like, a freshman kept, like, bugging me, and he would, like, turn the lights off in the locker room. and one day I just got sick of it

and I took him, I didn't even punch him, I just slammed him against the lockers and nothing even happened but I got suspended but looking back on, I wish I had done that more. We talked about a while ago how I didn't like how somebody dealt with me in the locker, I forget what even happened.

But ever since then, I've been trying to do that and I would hate for mercy or any kid to have, like I go, like sometimes I'll be going to sleep I'll remember something that someone said and I fucking hated and I'll think of something I could say and it's like and it's not that my parents

maybe they didn't instill this in me or whatever but maybe I'm just I was just too shy but I think it's important I would never want anyone to like feel bad about being teased and a lot of that's going on like this in Boston

this past week this girl's getting charged with murder because one of her friends was suicidal and she told him to do it and like he did it and he was like 16. And I could never imagine... What neighborhood? Quincy is it? No, it was like a little bit out in the suburbs.

Really? Yeah, and it was just like... Well, man, listen. I can't imagine kids committing suicide. Different, you know, when you're a kid, you have so many fucking things going through your head. When you're a kid, man, you have so many different things and so many different insecurities.

I mean, it's a fucking horror show. Yeah. It really is hard to be. be a kid, you know. I had a fucked up day yesterday, and I can't lie to anybody between the mushroom hung over and nothing, it wasn't nothing bad.

I got a call at 10 to 6 yesterday morning. I was up. I was in the living room right and drinking coffee, running my own business. And I got a call from Anthony Vanieri, the assemblyman, you know. Right. And we spoke for like 20 minutes, and it was all laughing. I mean, we just laughed about music

and the things we used to do, you know. And it perturbed me. that I don't have those type of relationships no more. But it also let me know something that I knew for a long time. But I think that this is the topic of the book. It's those from 79 to 83, I can't tell you what was going through my mind. Had your mom had passed away. Yeah.

But having those friends really saved my life. I mean, a lot has happened since this, Bob. Christina thing. It's made me understand who the fuck I was. And it's made me understand what happens to people. And if you're tight with your mom, when your mom passes, it does something to your insides,

you know. Or anybody passes. It just, uh, a death is very weird on people. Especially that young. It affects people, especially when they're your whole world. When you have a parent or a sibling or somebody who's your whole world,

doesn't even have to be a fucking parent. Why do I keep repeating that? It could be anybody who means that the world to you, man. They were your world. You suffer when they die. You really suffer. It's a hard thing for some people. They really can't cope.

I think it happens with animals, too. Happens with animals, but it basically happens. You know, I read something that a couple two weeks ago died a few hours apart. Right. Did you read that? Yeah, holding hands. Yeah. It really affects people a certain way.

And I know not a people. who listen to the podcast have suffered debts, I get things every day from people. That first two years is very rough. It's very rough. There's a lot of unanswered questions. And those unanswered questions fucking could eat you alive.

Like what questions were you asking? Could I help? How did this happen? God, how could this happen? I go to church every week I pay taxes. You know, I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about Joe Schmoe, a good American who wakes up,

who really believes in the system. And all of a sudden, some night, some guy runs a red light and kills his wife. You know what happens to that fucking guy? Do you have any fucking idea what happens to that fucking guy? First he starts saying, why was she out? Maybe she was going to get milk or something because he didn't stop and get it. There's so many fucking things. And there's so many different ways to beat yourself up.

And so with this Bobby Christina thing, it hit home with me because it let me know. I can't want to know. I never thought about committing suicide. And I just got this email about three weeks ago But I ever think of killing myself I never thought of jumping off a bridge I never thought of hanging myself I never thought of slit in my wrist

But I think deep down inside If I would have Odeed I would have been fine with it After my mother died And when I was 17 I OD'd at Joe Lucci's backyard Yeah On what Coke? Everything

Quay Luz Coke alcohol I just I went to a party And I got over excited like a 16-year-old girl does sometimes. You go to a party, there's a 16-year-old girl who drank two Zimas, and she's passed out. We all got over-excited one night.

And I had, at this time, I had been drinking and doing drugs. I was, uh, I was, uh, let me just tell Zach. Zach, my brother, I forgot to tell you, we're doing a fucking podcast. But when I get out of here, I'll give you a call. Give me, let me about 4.30. All right, kid? All right, kill it. Bye.

My little brother, Zach. Zach from the Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got some stuff from I got the rascard from And I told him And on the way here, I go, What the fuck did I tell him that for? I got to do a podcast.

But ever since Bobby, that's happened to Bobby Christine, it strengthened how, you know, that what I was feeling wasn't, like I said, I didn't want to die, I didn't want to jump out of window and say, take me,

no. But if I would have got, I remember the night that North Bergen won the state championship, I took a hit of ass like strong ass, And I was walking down the street. They almost got hit by a car.

Like a couple of friends in my life, you were two minutes, you were two, it was, he was two inches. And they pushed me out of the way, you know. And I remembered that night. I remember the couple nights. Were you trying to get hit? I don't know, Lee.

I don't know. I don't know what I was going through, you know. In those days, the end of the night felt. I didn't want the night to end in those days. I would go out with my friends and on that walk home when I was by myself, that was it. That's when it took over. That's when the pain finally caught up. When you wake up in the morning and you wake up without somebody, whether you get a divorce, you get separated,

you wake up with this fucking knot in your stomach, you know? Do you think if your mom had survived, you would have done coke for as much or as long as you didn't? Who the fuck knows? You wake up with this fucking knot in your stomach, right? Lee, you know, of missing that person. Yeah. And once you get your day going, the fucking feeling goes away. Once you get involved in different things, your friends, work, yeah, let's party Friday night, that's all.

And then you meet your friends and you start drinking. Once the pain starts to creep up about 5 o'clock, it's going to be okay because it's happy hours somewhere. And you can do a couple shots and you can probably take a valium to calm you down. Then you go out with your friends and you drink and you smoke and they make you laugh. And maybe you hear a song that reminds you of that person that you. you've been thinking about all that. And then when you fucking go home, that's in the cave.

That's when you're, you know, what's that song by the ghetto boys? Four walls just staring at a, bro. You know, that's it. You have four walls staring at you. And you're alone.

And that's when, when you're alone, that's when all that shit crashes on you. And here you are, your little coke or your alcohol or whatever the fuck it is. And you, that,

that's pain. That's, that's missing somebody, you know, that's, it's horrible and I know what it's like so you know she found her in a tub you know just like the fucking mother

she's still in the fucking coma right I mean what was that girl for I don't know if they're gonna charge the boyfriend I don't know what I do know was that girl was having a hard fucking time she was having a hard time with it she had money you know it's not like me that there was no social security there was no fucking will there was no uh insurance policy there was nothing you know this girl lived a lavish life you know she had

money she had you know so my heart goes out there man I feel fucking horrible but at the same time it taught me what I was going through and I'm very thankful that I had those kids in my life for those three years you know right uh Lee I didn't I never wanted to put none in my fucking nose growing up and there was always a reason I thought that once I had put it was okay to smoke pot it was okay to do acid it was okay to drink it was okay to do all those things but once you put something up your nose that was the end and I started putting shit up my nose maybe nineteen seventy eight maybe when I was about fifteen I started fucking around thirty fourteen with that T8C crystal which is like angel dust and you snort it I didn't

do coke till October like like a week before my mother died it was the first time I had ever done coke with loops oh what I had done it no because I think that the coke they have a word for that when you snort you snort you know it I don't cook. It's self-medicate. I don't know. And, yeah, I think I would have snorted until as long as I did, because that's how long it took me to get rid of the pain or to learn to live with it. You know, and I was like five years overdue. You know, it was like when I got over my mother and I got divorced.

When I got over the divorce and I had to get over the lows losing of my daughter, like how I was letting this happen. I wasn't mad because I wasn't a part of our life. I was mad at myself for letting this happen, for letting this get to this part. But what was I going to do? What do you want me to do? Kill people? I couldn't do that.

That was the only rage I could use to get even, and I wasn't going to let a child get raised, no parents how I was raised. So it was no win option. All I could do was get stronger, which is the whole purpose, even as a comic, all you could do is get stronger. You know, you don't have a TV show,

nobody's talking to you? Fine. There's ups and valleys in life, there's peaks and valleys, and there's peaks and valleys in fucking careers. but you're a steady. You keep doing what you're doing every fucking day. You keep writing your jokes.

You keep lifting your weights. You keep, whatever, making those calls. You keep doing what you do. No matter what's going on. I don't give a fuck. I do the same boring shit every day. I do the same shit every day that needs to be done, Lee. And it's boring, and I don't like doing it,

but I know that's what takes me to the next fucking level, you know? Right. And it has. You know, how do you get funny by fucking getting on stage? and writing and shedding the fat off your body that you're hiding. You know, when you first start to become a comedian, you just say these little fucking weird jokes. Then as you evolve, you talk about the pain or what you're going through.

And it takes getting on stage. Same thing with Jiu Jitsu. I suck at Jiu Jitsu because I can't do Jiu Jitsu four or five times a week, you know, six months straight without going on a road or something. But if I could commit myself to Jitsu, I know what you put in is what you get out. You don't see it right now. It might take three years. It might take six years.

It might take 11 years. But it's going to happen if you stick it out. Right. And then I watched this really interesting documentary last night. I didn't think I was going to like it. But it was about the YouTube stars, like the people who are on YouTube making videos. And so many of them talked about they would keep doing this

if they weren't making money from it. And it's kind of like what you were just talking about. You have to do it. to get the results, but you also want to be doing something that you would do without the money. Like, I know you don't want to, like, you would still do comedy if no one paid you. Yeah, I'd still do comedy. I'd still do comedy. I'd still do a thousand things. Right.

I still do a thousand things because I love doing it. If you don't love doing it for free, you know, even if they pay you, it's not going to work out for you. You really got to get out. And there's some people who love changing tires. Yeah. There's some people who, you go into a restaurant, man, and they're at, you're at, tremendous fucking waiter or waitress. They just really care.

They just really believe. You know who's faking the thunk? Yeah. And I don't know. It's just, I've always never believed in faking the thunk. Go up and give it everything you got. You only get one shot at this. You know, my mom fell through on a couple things with me, and a lot of moms do because nobody's the perfect parent. Right. But she instilled that in me to me to never let somebody in your

private space to never to stick up for you know there's a point you can't get mad at everybody and everything you can't yell at everything but you know when somebody is intruding on your space somebody is purposely going out of their way you know right and you have to stop them and the more

you let it's not going to work out for you you know you have to and there's two ways you pull them aside and you tell them the truth you know and that's one one way or then after that you got to hit them with a fucking beer bottle I don't fucking know, but you have to, and that's what this place doesn't really, people in this town really don't want to hear that. They want to, you know, if you say something, you're a bad person or you have a bad fucking attitude. You know, nobody wants to get checked.

I hate that word check. Nobody wants to get spoken to about something, you know. So it happens, man. Yeah. Why don't you like the word checked? It just sounds too fake. Like, I checked them and shit. What do you play hockey?

They fucking check, Doc, suck them. What's going on? What are you going to do with Mama this weekend? We're watching House of Cards because I was gone last weekend. So that's at three fucking days. Well, no, it's not going to take three days. It's like 13 episodes. It's like a day and a half.

So it's all 13? Yeah. And you watch them all? Fuck yeah. And what do you do? What are you doing? You get high? You do anything?

You rub her feet? No, I had Dick afternoon today, though. That was fine. Did you really get Mama stabbing this after? Yeah. If I wouldn't have beat you up about this, you wouldn't really. No. I was gone last weekend.

There's no fucking lunch without dick. You got to work that appetite up and shit. What time did you pick her up? We went to the gym at 11 and then we went and had a lunch. Lunch? And then you went home and gave me the fucking juice stick of death. Yeah. Look at you, you dirty bastard.

That was fun. Was the monkey all dirty and shit? No, we took a shower. We had some wank to it. No, it took showers. You made it take a shower from it? I didn't make her. No, you told you should eat that ass with the fucking wankton with the little elliptical fucking wang to it.

You know what I'm saying? what do you think I should do? There's this really, like, really big girl that just started coming to the gym and she was on the elliptical and, like, she had a hoodie on, and I could see like she was dying. Like, and I was going to go up

and do what someone did for me, like, say, nice job you're doing. But, like, I felt weird. Do you ever go and talk to somebody at the gym? Like, if you saw a bigger person? I smile. That's it. Sometimes a wink is as good as a nod to a blind.

No, you smile. Sometimes people are in bad. I want to embarrass her. But if you see her a couple times, then say something. Wait until she's there two or three weeks. Okay. Maybe she quits. Then fuck her.

You know, but if you see it two or three weeks, go up to her and say, you're a bad motherfucker. I see you. If I wasn't fucking hooked up, I'd bite that fucking leg. Look at it hanging over the fucking pant. There was Zumba today at the gym. Come on. Oh, my God.

They were going crazy. It was like a bunch of middle-aged Mexican woman. And they were doing the... They go fucking bananas. Mexicans love Zumba. I told her. Paul, we should do it. And I think they have a weekend Zumba class.

I'll tell you what. I went to Tuesdays, Tuesday mornings, if I don't have anything, Terry drops, mercy off at school, and then I meet her at the Y. They're in yoga class. I wave at her, she's in yoga class, and I go do my little workout. Right.

And then she goes to Zumba class, and I had my earphones on, so I couldn't really hear what the fuck she was doing. You know, I couldn't really hear that. I was hearing my own music. Right. And something happened. I went to drink water.

and I can hear her Zumba class. It was alive. It's not Zumba. It's like hip hop with Zumba. Right. I'll tell you what, man, my wife goes twice a week. She's already lost like eight pounds in two weeks.

Oh, wow. Yeah, they don't fuck around in there. They don't fuck around. You know, that burns a lot of calories, supposed to. Yeah. You should go in there and Zumba. Take a star of debt.

Oh, my God, no. And Zumba, you'll fucking Zumba your way into fucking skinning this. I'll even take a Zumba with you. We'll go in there play a little fucking hip hop, jump up and down. We should set these cameras up. And then after we work out, I take it a lunch. So it's nice.

We go for a healthy lunch. That's what we did today. Nice little Tuesday afternoon date before I go to fucking Cleveland. I'm excited about going to Cleveland. The only thing is already people hitting me up about going to get pastrami on Friday and going to get corned beef. I can't eat fucking shit during Lent on fucking Fridays. I got to stick to seafood.

Oh, you do that? What are you giving up for lunch? I gave a pasta and white bread. That's tough. Which I had to give up anyway. Yeah. I just put whole wheat and I don't. taste the difference.

Yeah, you were saying there's a lot of carbs in it? Because I had it last night. I didn't know there a lot. Just as many is. But the whole wheat has more fiber. You know, the pasta just sits in your fucking stomach at night. The whole wheat at least pushes that fucking, all that dead stuff out of your mouflor. I took some good mushroom poops, apparently.

I did, yeah. You don't want to eat, we should eat a little piece of mushroom. What do you think? Well, I would, but I'm worried because I'm feeling the star right now. Do you think it's a waste? Fuck, no. You feel a star? Because I didn't feel the star on Monday.

You didn't? No. homie you didn't eat? I ate, but not that much. That's the star. If you ate, that's the stuff. You don't get hungry on mushrooms? Fuck, no. You put some coffee on this motherfucker? Forget about a little coffee drink. Smoke a few cigarettes. I forget they can't stop the flying, Jew. It was so cool. It was fun. It's nice. Mushrooms are very

nice. This kid knew what he was fucking doing. He really did. And I loved him. He had a beautiful fair. I mean, I had a great time talking to him. I gave him some hard candies. I know his name, I just don't want to rat him out. I love him to death. It's weird how much like the drug education works. Because like, I always thought mushrooms was like, I would never do mushrooms or acid. And I had more fun on mushrooms than I do on these edibles. Please.

That's what those mushrooms are for, Doctor. And you didn't put no music on. No, I watched Gabriel's special. We should have got stoned to the gazils and taken you home and turned the lights off. And we could listen to Pink Floyd fucking animals from beginning to end. You would have been a different man. Once I put the lights on an hour later, You just would have been sitting there going, I got it.

Mission fucking completed, Chubby. What's up, Lee, with your little Ninja Turtle shirt on and shit. I like the Ninja Turtles. No, I'm feeling good. I don't know, man. I'm really fucking high. Oh, you really? Yeah.

You're supposed to be high. It's Wednesday. It's a beautiful fucking one. Everybody's freezing. Everybody's living like a fucking Eskimo. I got pay a short time or white Tichina with holes in it. Who's better than me? It's fucking 70 degrees out there.

That's great. Have you been to Cleveland before? The only time I've ever had. Strove through once. A lot of Puerto Ricans in Cleveland. Really? One of the biggest Puerto Rican communities in the fucking country, bigger than the Bronx.

Because during the 60s, the 50s or 40s, I don't know, somebody correct me, a lot of the car dealers were there, the car manufacturers were there. So they went down to Puerto Rico to recruit. So it's got a, I didn't know. One time I was at the Cleveland Improv, maybe 1999.

And that's when the calling card was big. And I walked over a couple blocks, and bam, there I was in the Puerto Rican neighbor, buying the nickel bag and drinking a fucking Coco Rico. What are you nuts or what? Dropping it and shit on a fucking Cleveland. What's a Cocoa Rico?

It's a little coconut carbonated soda. They sell New York and the Bronx. It's up the corner. Across the street, there's a Puerto Rican restaurant. Yeah. Called the, what's it called? Mafungo. In there they sell Coca Ricos.

It's a little coconut carbonated water. Not bad. Puerto Rican's drinking up in the Bronx. I used to get in the bottle. Rub it on your fucking face. a little cut or something. Just teasing. It's just fucking just coconut soda.

It's bad for you. Okay. It's not bad. But yeah, it's got a nice Puerto Rican neighbor. They got a nice pastrami place where people stand online on Friday. I've been there a couple times. Have you ever been to a... A brown's game?

It seems like it'd be really fun. No, I went to an Orioles game. Oh, Orioles? What, Orioles is Baltimore? Baltimore. Whoever fuck plays in... Cleveland Indians. Indian game.

Because my friend used to be married to what's his name, sister, the shortstop. the really good short stops in the late 90s. So when I went one time, I went on his tickets. Going to a couple places. I like Cleveland. Yeah, they seem like...

It's a blue collar real fucking city, man. That's where I belong. I'm excited. I don't give a fuck. Last time I was there was right after the longest yard. And I ate dick. Really?

Dick at the improv for a week. I ate shit. Was it just people thinking you were going to do the longest yard stuff? What do you do from the longest yard? What are you doing? It's going to take me fucking getting hit by a fucking football player? I don't know.

No, I don't know what they thought. I just didn't really have it together. I was still doing a lot of blow. I really didn't even know about headlining. I was just going up there and doing what I thought a headliner did. I mean, now I'm starting to finally get the fucking deal of it after 20 years, but I didn't really grasp it until I took that one year and I went to see a bunch of headliners do their stuff.

And Greg Haraldo and Patrice O'Neill, there was a couple guys that I watched do their hour. And not on a cable either live. Okay. And I really learned how to have. You know, there's some guys that really, really headline. And it's very interesting when you see a feature act and a headliner. There's times you go see a guy that's supposed to be headlining, and that was me in 2005.

I was headlining the show, but I was not a headliner. There's a big fucking difference. I was a glorified feature act. I wasn't a black belt. I was a glorified purple belt. Okay. But now I can headline with fucking now I know how to do it. There's beats.

There's sections, you know, the check comes. There's different things. A lot of guys don't like when the check gets dropped. Yeah. Because it takes your attention. I love that shit. I love running right through that shit. So everybody has that different taste.

But I learned how to headline, you know? Right. I always run into comics and they tell me how they headline, and I look at them, and I'm happy for them. And I'm hoping that they're learning. That's what they should be telling me. Hey, man, I got a headlining gig, but I'm really learning how to headline. Hogan is a phenomenal headline.

A lot of people are great headliners, you know, and that's why you pay $35 because they're fucking headliners, you know? You pay 20 for me because I'm a middle of a road type motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? I'll still rock your world. I'll put a finger up your ass. I'll do it all. But what does I say that, you know, I had a conversation with people on Facebook.

I made some statements on Facebook. About what? When I was about 19, I knew these dudes, and they hijacked trucks. all right i knew one of the guys and he's in jail he probably out by now i knew a chick that he'd call her he used to pay her a grand a month to call her and talk dirty to him on the phone from jail this kid right uh but anyway i knew these guys and they hijacked truck and one time they took me to hijack a truck and uh the one time i went the cops came and asked me questions and shit we they hijacked the truck in jersey although i was a young man i didn't know what

i was doing i didn't know what hijacking was guys guys guys, so, you know. But he got arrested about six months later, and I was very happy that I wasn't hanging out with him. You know, I just knew him from high school, and he got arrested, and one day I get a call if I could help out with a plan they had. How was my driving? Did I have any points on my license? Would I be interested in driving with them? They were doing something. And I asked what they were doing, and they said they were going to break this particular guy, out of the fucking jail. But they were going to break him out

through going to the hospital. So what he would do was he would tell the hospital staff he had heart problems. And then when he'd get to the hospital, he'd get permission to call the attorney, to call his family and tell him what was going on. The attorney would call his friends

and say what hospital he was at. And they'd stake out the route. so he kept doing that and I was getting wind because one of my friends was gonna bust him out of fucking jail this is this is how crazy this is and you're like yeah let me drive you I forgot all about this till about

a week ago oh my god Shug Nights keeps getting these fake heart attacks and all these things and that's what Shug Nite is doing so what you do is you go to the hospital and you fucking plan the route because he knows he's going to do life

he knows he's going to do life Shug Nite is that crazy whatever, let's say Shug Nye has a million dollars in the bank, he's offering somebody right now $250,000 to bail him out to pay him out, to pay him out. So what you do is you go to the hospital, you get to the hospital, you call your attorney, and then tell your attorney what hospital you're in.

So after like two or three times, the people who are going to break you out, see the root of how the fuck. This is how crazy Shug Nite is. I'm telling you guys, he ain't got no fucking problems. You might be calling it right now. I'm calling you guys right now. I'm telling you right now, dog.

You got to listen, I've always told you. you motherfuckers that there's people who think they're criminals and there's motherfucking criminals and I see it come in a mile of fucking way. I may not know about how the moon or the stars. I mean, I know about animals and fucking galaxies and Buddhism, but I see a fucking, I know a rat when I fucking see one, okay? I don't know much about life, I'm telling you, but there's a certain fucking walk and talk that people do that leads you to keep watching

him. And that's all he's doing right now. So they would get to the hospital, call the fucking attorney, tell him, and they would get the path back. to see. What happened with this situation with my buddy was they were taking him to different hospitals.

So you really couldn't get the route down. And then one time he went, but the guy's fellow, I don't know what the fuck happened. So just to let people know at home, sometimes see shit for what, now he's claiming that he's blind. He is?

I don't fucking know. I don't believe, listen, Shug Night is a desperate man, and people were desperate through desperate fucking things. So you smell it. You see the steps, people. You break the motherfucker down and then you fucking take a guess of what.

he's going to do. And then you see him putting the pieces together and boom, that's what he's going to fucking do? What do you think you're dealing with guys? Some fucking novice? You think I'd have a podcast with the flying Jew if I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about? Again, I don't know a lot about chemistry. I don't know about geometry.

But I know how to put a move together. You understand me? From fucking scratch all the way to the end. It's like a different version of that song from Animal House? What's that, brother? Like, I don't know much about Dun, Dunna. Like, someone should we mix? accept but with what you just said. Put your head back down, Lee.

I don't know. It's time for you to eat a mushroom. You want a mushroom or not? No. A piece. You don't know? No. What the fuck? It's there. So Wednesday, it's a beautiful day to be alive. You're lucky. I don't have plans tonight. We beat me fucking the whole thing this time.

We go deep. How much did I have in, like, numbers, do you know? You had a quarter. I gave you a quarter of that. I ate the whole thing, and the other piece fell on the floor. The other piece should be on the fucking floor. What's around here something? Like a quarter of a gram?

No, look how small they are. They're very fucking small. Because I've always heard like it comes in grams. Right, it comes in grams and eight, but I don't know what the how he broke it into. It's just a little fucking bore right now. It's like one of the cat foods.

It looks like one of Demi's cat balls. Are you sure that's not somebody's like gum they spit out in a rapper? No, it's not. I can tell what it fucking looks like. I've been doing this shit for years. You know how I knew? The rapper is how I noticed.

That's a unique. rapper. They don't make these no more. This is wax paper. This is old school. Nobody puts their shit in whack. I remember when Blow used to come and fuck on wax paper. Really? Yeah. Come on, guy. Who the fuck? Anyway, that's what we're at. So don't believe the Shug Night thing. That dumb

motherfucker is trying to break out of some one of those fucking L.A. County hospitals and shit. And he's probably going to try it. Do you think it's publicity for the movie? Or do you think he's really just... What movie? That's not his movie. He's not... But he was out of it? Wasn't it? No, that's not his movie. That's the other

guys. He was on the set of the film, hanging out like a big guy. Oh, okay, I thought it was part of it. I thought he was part of it. No, what? Him running over somebody? You think that's publicity? That motherfucker's dead. That's murder why I come from, Lee. That's past fucking, uh, that's a little too past for fucking publicity running over somebody. That means you meet it, you know?

You smacks a reporter or something, or throw the camera on like, like Bert Reynolds did in the longest yard, you're 80, you're going to push a fucking reporter. What's the matter with you? What publicity? There's no fucking publicity, you fucking dummy? You smacked a fucking reporter. publicity. He means he's going to jail for life. That's it. He was on parole or probation. For the Cald Williams thing?

For everything. For fucking everything he's done. Calm is a motherfuckerly. He knew Tupac was getting killed. He set that up. He killed that man. He killed that little fucking black kid in cold blood, man. That little kid didn't deserve that. He shot that boy in cold blood. And he's the one that set up the fucking robbery in New York to make it look like it was fucking Biggie Smalls and those guys. Come on, man. Fucking shame. Fucking shame. And that's what happens.

That difference between being a criminal and trying to be a cute criminal. There's always people who try to be just a little fucking cute than you. And those people always end up in the wrong side. Listen, if you're going to be a fucking criminal, there's a certain honor amongst thieves. You know, there's a certain fucking honor amongst thieves. You can't be robbing the thieves.

That's why I got caught in the kidnapping. Because I tried to be fucking cute. Same thing. I know when somebody's trying to be fucking cute, you know? Right. What do you think, cucksucker? I'm not thinking much right now. What are you going to eat tonight?

That's not strong. I gave you 25. No, God damn it, they're 125 milligrams. You said it on the fighter and the kid, and I've seen all the rappers. You said yesterday they were putting fake stickers on.

I put fake stickers on there to fucking scare people, the scare fucking Gentiles. You're my brother. Why would I give you 125 fucking millie grams? Because you like seeing what happens? No. Do you see that thing someone put to us on Facebook that like San Antonio Police Department got those?

They found a shipment on a train and they said they were trying to market it to kids. Who? The groomies, like the San Antonio Police Department, the, uh, the, the, uh,

Anarchy Gummies. Listen, Anarchy Gummy, that guy's a fucking, that guy's gonna, this edible is so fucking tremendous. Oh, I know, but,

other butter cookies are fucking great. I think how stupid they were. The fucking brownies fucking tremendous. The Rice Krispy treat is tremendous. You don't need to give the fucking kids. No, no, no,

I was saying how stupid the police department was. Yeah, well, San Antonio, you know, they're sitting there waiting for something to fucking happen. Last thing that happened there was the Alamo. You know, that's the last action that happened there. What the fuck?

So they find this shit. Oh, they're peddling at the kids. Nobody's peddling at the kids. Peddling at the kids is when you give an edible to an elephant or a fucking goomy, a ninja turtle. If you got a ninja turtle eating a fucking star of death, then you're pedaling at the fucking kids. You're peddling that shit to adults.

There's nothing about kids on there. It even says, let me tell you what it says. See? It says 25 milligrams T.HC. 1205 milligrams? 70m milligrams. T-A-2-5. Keep refrigerated.

Sugar, gelatin, food, color, flavoring cannabis. So a home of the redstock candies since 2007, all right? Then it says warnings. Keep out of reach of kids. These little dumb fucks will die. No, it's cannabis edibles may cause dryness,

alcohol may intensify the effect to not drive or operate heavy machinery in compliance with California Prop 315, whatever. Not for resale. So I couldn't resell it to you. These are good people. All they're trying to do, man, is get their product. They make really good edibles.

Yeah, they fucking do. Yeah, they do. But listen, for some reason, I've always lucked out and got really good edibles. I don't eat nothing that's cacus. You know that. I got the fucking bang. I got the this. Chee-bichu, the cookies and the little chocolates, which I got some today.

Okay. For the plane ride tomorrow. I'm going to drop one of those fucking brownies on that flight. I'm going to close my eyes. Were you hired for that entire time when you were stuck there for nine hours? I dropped three stars. I had three stars left. I didn't know.

And I dropped them. What did you do for the nine hours? I got to the airport and I was okay. I had some breakfast. I had some oatmeal. And then I dropped the first two stars because I had a funny feeling the flight was going to be delayed. Not to mention I smoked some really good herb before I got in the car. So by the time I got to the airport, I was already chizzed.

And then the first delay was when I popped the same. second star by lunch time i was gone gone but then i found rickie rockman who's the drummer for poison okay you know he's good friends with any bravo and salami he's a jihitsu guy he trained at street sports in san monica and i told him it was the anniversary i go i don't know if we met before i go no no we met before but i don't know if you remember me i just want to say hello i was with hegan's uh uh uh workshop that time and he remembered and we talked until the plane came then we even talked on the plane I got upgraded. He got upgraded.

And we just made the afternoon go by a little easy. It was a pregnant chick we sat with. That was really cute. But you weren't freaking out being so high? Not at all. Listen, there's nothing, 20 years ago, who were you going to get mad at? The snow, the tire? Who am I going to get mad at?

No, no, not mad at, but you were so high. That's perfect. At least I'm not straight in a fucking airport, walking around like the rest of these fucking zombies. I'd rather be gazilled than an airport. Prepared. You got to be prepared. And I was prepared.

They told me it was going to snow on fucking Sunday. I said, you know what? What if I get stuck in the hotel room? I got no reef, I got no edible. It's okay. You get stuck in an edible. You get stuck in the whole tire room, but no reef or an edible. That's impossible.

How could you survive? So I saved it for the Lord's Day, and there you have it. I'm very happy I did. I could have been a fucking gavel. You don't get nervous around TSA people? No, why should I get nervous? I'm just fucking taking care of myself. I'm not bothering nobody.

I just get a little high before I get this. It's not like I'm at the airport, giving out stars, Yum Yum's the fucking, you know, which would be perfect. That'd be fun. Let me give some shoutouts here. That would be fucking fun, man. No, no, no. You got to be prepared when you fly.

A lot of people are never fucking prepared. Then they get pissed off. I get the book. I got the computer. I got the sleep batany machine. I put the mask right on the fucking seat now. I found the plug now. It's over.

I don't fuck around. You know, sometimes I get on a plane. I'm so fucking stone. I can't do none. I got to sit there like a mook. Now, no, it's over. I go upstairs, I take the mask out, I plug it in, it's over. It's nappy noo time for about an hour and a half now.

I'm going to sleep tomorrow morning, fucking too. I'm going to get gizzled before that car comes tomorrow morning. By the time I get to the airport, I'll be on fire like Madonna 84. Boom, Cleveland, here I fucking come, no drama sales, motherfuckers. I want to give a shout out to the impeccable G. I love you. Mikey Armstrong. Chung Kennedy, you bad motherfucking Asian. Brandy Lynn, who loves you more

and Uncle Joey, Luke Miller, Jordan Stevens, Oscar Morales, and Sandman, aka Andy, you bad motherfucker. Who's better than you guys? What the fuck? Where are you looking at me all weird, like, you know? No, I forgot to give you credit.

Doing that $30 upgrade on Virgin made such a difference. It was so cool because I got priority through security and then I was in row four. So I got off a plane of no time. It was totally worth $30. Who takes care of you like Uncle Joe?

I'm going to give you bad information. Listen, sometimes I may appear like a fucking bad guy, you know, when I talk to Lee. I love Lee like a fucking son. And I don't want Lee that, you know, you've got to fucking get into it. I want Lee to live his fucking... I was telling the Agostino last night, the Agostino went to the store with me.

And after my long day yesterday, I told the Agostino that I get really frustrated sometimes with you and him. A lot of the young men that age. Because sometimes I think, like, Like even me with you, sometimes I think like I'm holding you back. Why? I don't know. Like at 26, I want you motherfuckers to do it all.

At 26, if I could do it all over again, I would do it all. I would try it all. I don't ever want you guys not to try it all. That's all you owe yourself. You really do. You really fucking do. If I could do it all over again, do you have any fucking idea? If I can make a list now of all the things I wanted to do,

all the things I wanted to try. I never learned how to play the guitar. I never fucking did this. I never surfed, you know? I never did a lot of fucking things. I would try all those things, you know? Anybody could fall in love, any fucking idiot could do, get a girlfriend or a boyfriend.

But to really fucking do what the fuck you want to do, you know? And I told DiAgostino, like when I was talking to Veneer yesterday in the morning, I thought about how crazy our lives were. You know, there was no sleep, and it wasn't about drugs. It was just about, we were that close to New York. It was, I don't know. I don't know what it was, but we were inseparable. I was always with somebody.

We were always going somewhere, you know. We didn't have any money. I had a couple hundred hours from selling pills or something. I didn't have thousands or nothing like that. You had $150 and you did things, you know? And I'm saying I didn't do all those things. I didn't do them. I wish I was fucking 26.

I sit down and make a fucking list, man, and say, these are the things I'm going to try by the time I'm 32. And then when I'm 32, this is my other list, you know? And do like two things a fucking year that you really wanted to do, you know? I understand. I see what you're saying. Sometimes I feel bad, and I told Diagosteeling, I go, you know, I wanted to run a restaurant.

I want to do a lot of fucking things, you know, that I didn't try. Because I was too caught up in drugs and stupidity and being a dumb fucking criminal. that I wish I could have had the experience to do. You know, I was watching, that I was going through the channels and grudge mattress was on. It was at the end, and Stallone went to eat, and he saw the black guy they fired. And he goes, what are you doing?

And he goes, man, I always wanted to be a waiter. What a better time to try. You know, people lose their jobs or they think it's the end of the world. No, that's the universe telling you, this is the time to try what the fuck you wanted to do, regardless of what anybody fucking thinks of you. Right. Well, regardless of how you live, just prepare yourself.

If I was a young, like I told Diagostino, the Agostino went on and got himself another girlfriend. I love her. She's a great kid. But if you really want to get into comedy, I told Deegisino, you should have came to my house and go here. Here's a hundred bucks a month. I'm going to fucking live in your closet when I'm in town.

I'm going to put my shit here. I'm going to live in your fucking closet. And I'm going to go out there and enjoy comedy and travel and fucking meet people and get in the car. If I was 26 and I wanted to be a kid. comedian, I get just the right in amount of car like I did for a little while, like Stanhope. Everybody wants to wonder why Stanhope was so good, because he got in the car. He filled it with everything he would need, from granola bars to foot warmers to a toenail cutter,

to a pillow, and he got on the road, and he went and lived his fucking dream. That's it. There was nothing holding that fucking savage back. Nothing. And I tried to duplicate that for a while. I didn't know. I didn't know that's what you had to do, but I think. figured in my mind that's what you gotta do you gotta do you gotta commit and sleep in your car and see

what you go through you know nobody you know nobody wants to go through that fucking nightmare but i figured the quicker i did it the quicker i get out of that zone i lived in my car for like four or five years it happens you know three years that's why i'm doing this now i've thought about that because i keep getting ass now if i'm gonna propose to paula and it's not that i want to be with anybody else but it's just i feel like if i'm gonna do this i can't i couldn't do it if I was married or had a kid or it'd be harder to. So it's one of the reasons. Paul is a good lady.

Paul has got how much longer in school? A year and a half. A year and a half. And then another year of fucking working under somebody taking shit. That's two and a half years before Paul is even going to see daylight. You know what? What's she going to do with you anyway? What's you going to do with you for the first year out of college?

You're going to be working 80 hours. She might as well be staying at her mother's house. You know, I mean, seriously. I mean, listen, if you're in love, and you're going to get married at 25 or 26, you know, I want you to be in love. Don't get married because you think you've got to get married. Marriage could be any time.

I'm not anywhere near for that. You can marry a motherfucker any fucking time, you know, and that's what, hey, it works for different people. It doesn't work for everybody. Right. You know, it didn't work for me, you know, but how much effort did I put into my fucking marriage? Not much.

I was a stupid 26-year-old. I thought, oh, you had to do his fucking pay rent, and she'll do the laundry and cook your meal. Got to put work into your fucking marriage. I'm not right. And she's really cool about it. She doesn't, she doesn't really ask me for her. She knows.

You got no time right now. You got shit to do, and you got to make you away. Who wants to marry a brokster anyway? Right. You don't want to fucking marry her and then realize you got to go back to editing six days a fucking week.

Right. Right? You want to do it. And then nobody's seeing nobody. Nobody's seeing nobody. And then what? Then that's the beginning of the fucking end. Yeah.

That's the beginning of the end. Her job is going to be minimum. Like her light, It's going to be 60 hours a week Until she starts making Gitas And she could choose and pick clients Until she picks her practice I mean it doesn't

It's gonna be you know 60 hours a week minimum Yeah Right of room minimum Probably And then once she gets going Yeah she'll have two hours in the afternoon To come see Lee and give him a little stumm mean kid juice on his helmet

But until then you know You're focused man Right You're focused right now you know And that's why I was telling you I was going to talk to Lee And go for it Lee You want to do another podcast That's why I told you two weeks ago.

Then I not call you and say to you, what's with this fucking podcast? What are you scared? Yeah, I was scared. I go, put this fucking thing up. But it's been really cool. If it blows, it blows. Then we'll do another one.

Then you do one where you playing a harmonica singing juice songs. I don't fucking know, but you're never going to know until you fucking try. It's so weird. It's so weird that we all do the same shit. I do the same shit all the time. But until you try, hey, I don't know. I don't like selling shirts after a first. fucking show. Right. I really don't.

My wife is the one that says take the shirts out. People want to buy them. They want to talk to you. How about I just talk to people without selling the shirts and just avoid that uncomfortable fucking feeling, you know? Right. But then people bitch at me. You didn't bring nothing. You know, there's just so many fucking things that

I don't know. I wish I would have done more things, Lee, is what I'm saying. I'm just as high as you, you know? I think that you're getting away with, bro. You're looking at me going, Joey and I'm I'm fucking with you. I had two stars. I smoked a joint of some setiva before. That was tremendous. No, I think about it too. Sometimes I think maybe I should have taken some time off and traveled after college.

Do what? I don't know. To do what? You did go to Israel? No, I went during school. But, like, I've never been to Europe or anything. Who cares? I don't know.

What do you want ISIS to capture you? Chop your little Jew head off? You're on TV crying like a big... I would never go. I would never go where ISIS is. Stay right here. Mind your business stuff. No, no. I'm glad I did it.

Like, I graduated early from college so I could come out and work. I was just so sick. of being in school. But then sometimes people talk like they had a really fun time at college. It would be fun. I don't know. Like sometimes I think about that. College wasn't that type of experience for you?

No. Where did you live, Lee? I lived in Boston. In a dorm. For one semester, and my roommate was terrible. So then I moved. I lived in the Italian section in the North End for two years. And then for my last semester, I lived over by Fenway.

By yourself? No, always with roommates. And you got along with everybody? No. A couple of roommates. I had were friends first and that always sucked. When I had a roommate that I like met on Craigslist, that was cool. Because like there wasn't any pressure.

So, yeah. But it was, if I was looking back on it, I might have gone to Drexel in Philly. They really wanted me to come. Like they had me, they took me on a tour. They gave me a lot more financial aid than Emerson did. But Emerson was like a better school. But since I went in Boston, I had a lot of friends from my hometown. there were other schools,

so I didn't really hang out with any Emerson kids. I didn't have like no Emerson. I have like no college friends. I just went there and did the classes and got out in three years.

I didn't feel bad. When I was going to see you, I didn't. I had one friend. I had one friend, yeah, big chubby English guy. Yeah, he sold nissons with Mike Kessler

and we had some of the same classes because there was a night class thing. Right. Those are the class. That's how I got to see you. First I went to Colorado. Mountain College. Then I went to their continuing ed program and see you

off campus across the street. I got to meet a lot of cool people. In fact, there were football players taking some of those. You know, some of those classes at night. You know, like a couple of those classes, conditioning and health. I've been a couple of those guys, U.S. history and shit, so

I never had a college life, and I regretted it. Matt Mittreone was at the store last night. That was cool. And when I got off, we were talking about athletics, and we were talking about college sports and how college is the purest form of athleticism there is. And yeah, they robbed the athlete. But before all that, it's as pure as can be because you're not getting paid.

You know, you're taking classes. Yeah, there's scams or whatever. But to me, Lee, you know, comedy was something that I found second, you know. My dream was like being a lawyer or basketball player. But my real dream was playing in an NCAA. final championship game of any magnitude. I didn't care whether it was football, basketball. I mean, I was hoping it was basketball.

That was my dream. To come out on a basketball court as a sophomore and start in the national championship on a fucking Monday night and they announce what town you're from. That's a beautiful fucking thing, you know what I'm saying? How high are you, Cucksucker? Snap out of it. I'm really high. No, I'm listening.

That's what I really wanted to do. What was your first choice, Cuck Licker? It was Emerson. I applied to NYU, but I didn't get in. second, your first choice for life, not fucking Emerson, what was your first choice for life? For what? Besides this editing shit, what did you

really, really, really, really want to do? If you really want to do something when you were 10, and then you realize you were too short, you know, you want to be in a rock band with a long bag, you think suck. The only thing I can remember. I mean, I fantasized about, like, cool sports

plays, but never me being an athlete. It was more of like me playing with my friends. But I guess, like, the thing I think when I was a young was a veterinarian. I wanted to be a vet, but I was too... I don't think I could, like, hurt an animal and freak me out to, like, have to, like, do surgery. But I never really had, like, a dream, like, oh, I want to be...

Like, I want to score the winning basket of a NBA game or anything. No, for me, it wasn't anything about baskets. It was just starting. I didn't want to be MVP. I just wanted to be a part of something that big. I thought it was just a beautiful thing to be involved in something like that, to live your life and play college. football and then you know like what

Andre Carter spoke about you know it's just going in the first round and and that's a beautiful fucking story you know like things like that I always like that anyway let me wrap this number fuck up get you out of here you go and get your little fucking sandwich or something a subway

I know you said no there's no subway allowed that's what you were thinking about you were looking at me going oh I'm going to go to subway no I get shit I want to subway now I know you always go to subway you love you couldn't fucking live without subway You couldn't live without that turkey Whatever the fuck you eat with that

Petrified fucking bacon they put on that thing That's bacon from a raccoon's back You look at that fucking thing It all looks the same It's a piece of like I've never got bacon there And they spray pan it with like They graffiti it with it

Oh That sounds terrible Anyway Instead of eating fucking all that shit You could be going to Onit right now Onit.com for all your health needs Who needs a fucking turkey fake fucking

co-cut sandwich where you could eat on it when you can have the hemp force protein or the the I-T, the testosterone booster. On it, don't fuck around. On it makes an effect I shouldn't. Now, anyway, on it, don't fuck around.

They just did this study. On it is on a fucking role. And in time, you'll find out why. I'm just not a crime stop. I'm not it. Whatever to dispose of this fucking information. What I'm trying to tell you is be healthy. Get your mind, focused, get everything going, right.

Start with AlphaBrain. Go to Honit.com. Go to AlphaBrain. It's tested, it's proven plus. Got a money-back guarantee. It's a natural utropic. Okay, I don't even know if I'm saying it right. Utropic, I think.

Whatever the fuck it is. I'm not here to put it down for you, Cotsucker. What I'm trying to tell you is I'm trying to help you. And I'm going to save you 10% off if you go to Honet right now. And after you order, go to the box and press in. Church, and get 10% off. 10% off your order, all right? Try the Shroom Tech, man.

Try the Shroom Tech Sport. The reason why Zach was calling me was because I got him a Shroom Tech Sport the other day. And he loves that shit for Jitza. I'm not kidding you guys. Go to Onnet.com right now. Give it a shot. Give it a try. What the fuck you have to lose?

Money back guarantee on the Alpha Brain. If you don't think the, if you like the alpha brain, then get the Shroom Tech and the hemp horse protein. They'll put a fucking hem in your skirt. Listen, you're sitting there with those disgusting underwear. Wait, wait, wait. You press Church and on it. Get 10% off. I told him that in the beginning, Coddustaker.

Yes, I did. Number two, Miandis, as good as it fucking gets. I got a pair on. I wore them to fucking Jiu-Jitsu Monday. I love Miondi's. They're tight, they're warm, they keep everything dry. It's a special material. It keeps your nutsack tight, nobody's popping out.

None of that shit. It's smooth. You ever put under those cotton white things on and you fucking, they flip up on top and your belt? Fuck all that shit. Mionis fits tight, tremendous. You understand me? And the freaks love it.

You show up with Miondi's. on with that bulge in the front, your nut sack is out in front of your three inches, women go fucking bananas. On top of everything, Miondi's is giving you, how much percent off? 20. 20 percent off disorder. And they also got women's fucking sharpness. Why are you sitting there with skid marks in your fucking underwear?

You could be fucking wearing Miondi's right now and living in a slinging dick like a doctor. Go to me and these right now and press in. Joey. Oh shit. Joey in the box. And what do they get, Lee? 20% off. 20 fucking percent off.

And free shipping. And free shipping to the United States. in Canada. That's right. Correcto fucking Mundo. Go to me on these.com and press in. Joey. Boom.

20% off. Why am I going to stop there? I'm going to throw heat at you all fucking weekend. Don't stop. Last night I stayed home and I watched one of the fucking movies on the Iron Dragon TV. Shit. Let me tell you something. Classic Kung Fu films will just do something to you.

They take you back. Sometimes you get a fucking tremendous one. Sometimes you get one that you see the strings. No matter what, you get a great laugh. This is what I'm saying to you. Go to iron dragon.com. you're a classic martial arts buff or you just want to get started.

This is the way to do it. This guy's only competition is nobody. He's doing something that nobody else doing because he's got in 4K motherfucking technology and he's adding stuff every day. It's just not martial arts films. It's fucking honor films and instructional films. It is a tremendous channel.

A real cool channel. Go to iron dragon TV.com right now and press in. Joey. Get two free fucking classic kung fu films. I ain't fucking with you. Number four. I'll tell you what. I'm trying to help you guys out, but the last one is on me.

It's free. Go to naturebox.com right now. The snacks, nutritious, delicious, they taste good, they come packaged, you can reseal them. You don't ever have to go to that fucking vending machine and eat those fucking hydrochlorizone, fucking potato chips. You're swollen and shit, floating around like a fucking mamaluka of the air. You don't need that shit. Go to naturebox.com right now.

You can pick five free bags and you get free shipping sent to the house. No, correct me. It's a dollar 97. Oh, Jesus. You're getting a free fucking box. You got to pay a $1.97. And you're still fucking bitching. You're like the fucking fat lady with the arm under her armpits,

bitching because she got no fucking bread. So go fuck yourself. Go to naturebox.com right now. Those snacks are tremendous when you're sitting there at night. Those sesame sticks, the chocolate bomb bomb, the not the plantains. I mean, they have a selection that is fucking superb. And they keep adding shit every fucking week.

And the beauty of it, they're going to send you five bags, two big ones, three little ones, straight to your house, Braddest for the first time, just to let you know what they got. Who does that? When was the last time you went and bought weed, they gave you a joint,

told you come back? What was the last time you went and got your dick sucked? And somebody sucked and said, come back and pay me later. Nobody does that. This is to show you the confidence in their product. Go to NatureBox.com and press in.

Joey. Boom! And get your free fucking sample box sent directly to your house. So you got on it, Meandis, Iron Dragon, TV, and NatureBox.com. Who's better than you, Lisa, I yet? Nobody.

That's what I'm saying to you, motherfuckers. Like I said, this week I'll be in Cleveland and hilarities. Tomorrow night, Friday night, two shows, Saturday, two shows come out. We're going to fucking laugh. I'm trying to add some new material. I'm going to be taping my special Memorial Day weekend at the South Point Casino, three nights of death, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Really? Yeah. And then, next week, I'm in Sacramento at the punchline. Then I got a month off. I'm at home. But next week, I'm in Sacramento, you motherfucking bad animals. We'll be smoking up there. right in that hallway there.

You know how we do it. We just fucking stone to the gills. You were there last time. How much... I went over to Sacramento. Yes, you did, did. San Jose. Oh, you're going to say, San Jose.

Okay. You might have to go to Sacramento. You're a good boy, ducks of it. Okay. Put some gel on your head to eat this mushroom ball. I love you guys. To everybody who watches the show, thank you very much for watching the afternoon.

Our guest canceled today at the last minute. He got stuck at the airport. Fuck him. Maybe he'll do it next week. No, I love the guy anyway. I love you guys. Thank you very much. Have a great weekend.

and see you Monday with a tremendous fucking show next week. Stay black. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sampler box of great tasting, healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey. That's naturebox.com slash Joey. Hold on.

What do you say about the kettle kernels? Those kettle kernels are delicious. Yes, they are. Go to meandies.com. and go to meanduuuu. And you're going to get 20% off of your first order of men's and women's underwear and they have boy shorts for the women

that apparently make them look very hot. And then when you go to meandes.com slash joey, you're going to get 20% off and free shipping in the United States and Canada. Go to Anit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all their optimization products. And go to iron dragon TV.com and use co-word Joey to get two free rentals.

lyrical dushes in your bushes who rock grooves and make moves with all the mommy. The back of the club sipping my wet is where you find me. The back of the club, mac and holes my cruise behind me. Mad question asking, blunt passing, music lasting, but I just can't quit because

one of these homies big he got to creep with, sleep with, keep the epic secret, why not? Why blow up my spot? Because we both got hot, now check it. I got more Mac than Craig and in the bed. Believe me, sweetie, I got enough to feed the needs. No need to be greedy

I got mad friends with Benzis See notes by the layers True fucking players Jump in the rover and come over Tell your friends jump in the GF3 I got the chronic by the truth Throw your hands in the air And use a true player

To the honeies Get your money playing Niggas like honeies You got a gun on your waist Please don't shoot up the place Why Because I see some ladies tonight that should be having my baby, baby, uh,

straight up, honey, really I'm asking. Most of these niggins think they be macin, but they be acting. Who they attract them with that line? What's your name? What's your sign? Soon as he buy that wine, I just creep up from behind and ask you what your interests are.

Who you be with? Things to make you smile. What numbers to dial? You're gonna be here for a while. I'm gonna call my crew. You go call your crew. We can rendezvous at the ball around two. Plans to leave, throw the keys, the little seas.

Pull the truck up front and roll up the next bluff so we can steam on the way to the telly. Go fill my belly. A T-bone steak, cheese, eggs, and welts just great. Conversate for a few, because in a few, we're going to do what we came to do. Ain't that right, boo? Forget the telly. We just go to the crib and watch a movie in the jacuzzi, smoke ls while you do me. I love it when you do me big popper.

Throw your hands in the hayer if you're a true player. I love it when you call me big popper. To the honey's getting money. niggas like dumies. I love the one you call me big pop. You gotta come up in your waist, please don't shoot up to place. Because I see some ladies tonight

that should be having my baby, baby. How you living big and small? Imagine it bends is giving ends to my friends and it feels stupendous. Tremendous cream. Fuck a dollar and a dream. Still tote gas strapped with infrared beans. Chopping O's, smoking line,

optimos, money holes and clothes. All a nigga knows. A foolish pleasure or whatever. I had to find a buried treasure. So grams, I had to measure. However, living better now. Coochie swearing now. Drop top VMs, I'm the bad girlfriend.

Honey, check it. Tell your friends to get with my friend. Your friend. We could be friends. Shit, we can do this every weekend. That's right. Is that I with you? Yeah.

Keep banged. Throw your hands in the air. If you're a true player To the honey's getting money Playing niggins like dummies You got to come up in your waist Please don't shoot up the place Because I see some ladies tonight

That should be having my baby Baby Oh Checking that I'm bullshit Big and small