The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #263 - Jimmy Shubert, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: March 10, 2015

Jimmy Shubert, Comedian, seen on Last Comic Standing, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio This podcast is brought to you by:  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  The Message - Grandmaster Flash I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Immigrant Song - Led Zeppelin Recorded on 03/09/2015

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The day the devil was fucked in the ass, lit on fire, and thrown into the same pole as Obama's and fuck him that fucking cocksucker What? It's like a chungle sometimes It makes me wonder how I keep from going under If you didn't know that, I'm reminding you It's like a jungle sometimes

It makes me wonder how I keep from going under Oh shit It's the church of what's happened now Jimmy Tushu Shubert In the house The Flying Jew Babby Nickyana What are you fucking mixing in the league?

Oh shit It's like a jungle sometimes Cut that, cut that leaf What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Monday, March 6th, the church of what's happening now. Stay black or go fuck yourself. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. How are you doing today?

What's the story with you? What's the story with me? There's no story. Stop looking at the board. I'm talking to you. What's happening? How's your weekend? It was great.

It was great. We didn't do much. It was just Paul and I, we watched House of Cards, which is okay, not as good as the first two seasons. Then we went to the gym. And I started doing weights. Not much. Just to get your joints greased up

Right, yeah, just to do With dumbbells And then I did one machine where you like lean back And then They had, I don't know what it's called But it's the bar that you put the weights on But they have weights already like permanently put on it Okay

And it was like 50 pounds I did some curls and I called you this morning We talked for like 15 minutes It was really cool And it's just you know what you need to do You need to start doing some shrugs Where you hold the dumbbells in your hand And you shrug

and that way when you're confused you look really massive. Like, hey, how do I got, I don't know how you get there? How do you look really massive when you're confused? It's a little workout. No, it's good that you're doing this, brother. I'm fucking happy that you're giving everything a try.

You know, you could just do the elliptical so long before you lose your fucking mind. Oh, my God. I still do it, but it's... It's good to do something, man. And lift first. Okay. When you start lifting, you lift first,

and then you do the cardio, because then you burn more glycogen There's a guy Jason who came to the shows in Minneapolis, fucking guys like 50s, huge. Really? He looks like a million bucks, and we're talking about dieting, and he goes, always do your cardio after the weight. Because now you're going to be burning the fat even fucking quick. And he goes, and right when you get out of there, that's when your body needs sugar. Because as soon as you walk in the gym, if you eat a Twinkie, nothing will happen to you.

You won't gain an ounce. Your body burns the fucking sugar right away. Right after the gym, Rogan was telling me, that he goes, when you do a protein shake after you work out, put a tiny bit of sugar in it. Your body needs that sugar. Supposedly, yeah, yeah. I don't know much about this. There's a lot of rules like that.

There's a ton of rules. I just have no idea what they are. It's all that. And it's all that. I mean, you know, everybody can eat, just some... Do you want me to tell you what I saw? On Groupon, if you go to Valley Village, North Hollywood, there's a plan that's $315. Lee, and they'll give it to you for $99.

There's nutrition and weights and everything. One shot deal. Let me tell you something. If you're not going on Groupon, before you spend any dough, like anything, they have everything on that. That's why I got the fucking laser deal, to burn my toenails off. No, yeah, I got four hours of stretching where you go in and see a guy that stretches you out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm telling you, one of the best things ever done, because I'm not a flexible guy. Did you go? Yeah, the guy's amazing. Where is it? Here in studios. No, it's in Beverly Hills. Just right over the hill. But the guy works for you for an hour, breaks a lot of stuff.

You get off an airplane, you go in there and stretch for an hour. I'm telling you, man. It's great. And I'm day 10, no smokes, by the way. Congratulations, my brother. You've been going back and four. but there's no smoking for years. And what people understand is, for a guy like you,

after you get off stage, you go back to your room, it's not even, it's something that you could control it, though. Like, if you didn't smoke in the daytime, it just smoked after six. Once you do a blast, though, there ain't no bringing you back. You smoke the fucking camel. I said that lyric, that Bob Seeger song, Smoke the day's last cigarette.

Oh, my God. You know, I used to smoke two packs of camels a day, and after I'd pick up a gram of blow, I'd stop at the 7-11 on Sunset. set right there and I get two more packs of camels and I'd go home and smoke the fucking two packs in two hours with a fucking grime of blow. Just chase cigarette after cigarette. My blood pressure had to be three fucking 50 overnight.

Glad those those are over, right? It's amazing. We survived the bro. We're on the right side of the grass. What's the matter of you today? Nothing is the matter. When did he start smoking cigarettes? I never really talked about that before.

When I was 31 years old, no, no, no, even older. I was 33. I didn't start until I was about 20. When I moved to Los Angeles, I went to the economy store. That's the same time I started. Same time. And I was a type of guy you could not get in the car. I couldn't go in a car with you if you smoke.

I would get dizzy from the smell. Yeah, my mom's the same way. I had to overcome all that shit. And that's why I did it. I was sick and tired of being, I would quit jobs that I had to touch an ashtray. Like when I was a bartender, if I had to clean an ashtray out, it's not going to work out for you. I didn't even like touching it. That touch on my hands, I didn't like it at all.

Yeah, but you imagine you see that as straight and you fucking go, that shit's going on the side of my lungs. You go, fuck, what my God. I mean, that's what I wonder what the inside of my lungs look like. And I have. I've been on and off it. It's like, but this time I'm off for good. And I know, like, I quit for six or seven years,

and then I picked it up again, doing a movie. Yeah, and a crazy. On a movie set, you just get bored to pieces and you go, give me one of those. That's a good thing. That shit's not addictive, huh? Yeah. Fuck. It's, but it's weird how I put them down.

Now it's going to be three years in November. Good for you. I remember when you quit. It was right when she found out about Mercy. No, it was Thanksgiving. I went to a kid's house and I didn't smoke all day and I went to this guy's house and I bought a pack of cigarettes at 6 o'clock at night. When I left at 8 o'clock, there was four cigarettes and no drugs.

Drinking sodas and just telling stories. Getting excited. You know, that's part of the patois. Sometimes when you start smoking, like one thing I liked was smoking weed and then, And writing jokes while smoking a cigarette because you're almost on stage. Okay. You're almost...

Yeah, it's like you're smoking a... Something. Something. In your head or whatever. Yeah. I don't know. Pretty interesting shit. Well, I remember when we first started working together,

you were still smoking cigarettes. And you oftentimes would have like two hits, throw it away, go walk somewhere. Like, you weren't smoking the entire patch. No, no. It was interesting. I don't like... I don't like a cigarette after three quarters,

then I throw it. Like those people that put it out and save it fillet, I want to shoot those people. They drive me fucking crazy. It's just a fucking cigarette. Just smoke the whole fucking thing and knock it off. Or take your puffs and then flick it. You smoked those American spirits. It took you fucking two days to smoke one of those things.

And they really taste like ass. There's nothing in it. Yeah, there's nothing. You smoke Winston. You smoke Winston. That thing, fucking birds in 20 seconds. Oh, my God. The Winston, the Camelite, the Marlboro light.

Those fucking American spirits, they say, you know, people get confused. Like, I'll smoke American spirits. and not get cancer. You're still going to get fucking cancer. Yeah. You're going to get cancer. Did you ever roll your own cigarettes?

No, no. That's too fucking barbaric. That's just too fucking barbaric for me. You know, when I was in Boulder County Jail, that's what they give you. They give you free tobacco and you can roll up joints. And I wasn't smoking that.

And people were smoking them. I'm like, this is crazy. Smoking out of filter. I just went to the weed store. Now they have glass filters for your joints, which look pretty fucking cool. Well, I got to tell you, glass filters, I mean,

if you're going to smoke any of that stuff, It's better smoke it out of glass than metal. What does that do? I've never, because I've seen people put, like, little paper filters at the end of joints. I don't really know what that. Does it even do anything? Well, it's just for people to be cool. Like, look at me, I put a filter in it.

I'm sure you did. He's fucking momos, but now they have glass and it's, it holds good. You know, listen, I'm so old school. When you smoke pot, just smoke like they did it in woodstock. If you can't smoke like they did in woodstock and joints, you're doing something fucking wrong. Okay, somebody shows up with a pipe and some hash. I like all that stuff, too.

But they just get it. get outlandish. It just gets out of control. It's like a fad. They're always going to be papers, and there's always going to be motherfuckers who just smoke with a paper. But then, you know, the new Pepsi generation, they want to be cooling the next guy.

Those Doug Benson dudes, his friends, they want to be cool in the next. Dude, I will tell you, man, those vaporizer sticks, I mean with the wax and the oil, that's pretty cool. You just hit that thing. Oh, yeah, no, no. All that stuff is great, but it doesn't replace that fucking joy. No, there's nothing like that. You understand? When you could get a fucking head, when you could get a

lid of the fucking Mexican brown shit you can roll 20 fucking joints in that sit on the front lawn in high school fucking up on the floor for 20 unload those fucking things but it's uh bro hand roll bro it's like the e-cigarette

you smoke the marlboro reds what's an e-siguer gonna do for you yeah ain't gonna do shit I can't wait till I have electronic cocaine that's what I'm waiting on electronic cocaine you snort it and you electrocute yourself and you're gonna bed that's it that's it I can't

every day they got a new electronic something wait electronic heroin electronic coke electronic wait oh it's just around the corner it's just around the corner there's some fucking nerd right now in his basement

cutting up lines of coke looking for investors he's got an idea here's what happens you do it and you hide in the closet you tear up your money it's just a feeling you're lying in the closet and now you can hold on to a light bulb and turn it on like fester that's what it is you snort coke and you become electric

like that's the fucking new thing wait electronic met electronic fucking everything everything that. What's up, Lisa? Doesn't anybody just do anything anymore? Nobody wants to do it. Does it all going to be documented? Everything. I will say this, though. Speaking of that, I'm glad we didn't fucking grow up. Didn't have all the social media and shit around

when we were fucking partying. Are you fucking kidding me? Out of control. Did you see that thing about the kids in the frat singing that racist song? I heard something. It's stupid. It's like, and it happens all the time. There's all these videos out of

people whenever they're going to get in the fight, like these high school kids, they film it and they put it up on YouTube. And then they get in trouble. I don't understand taping that horrible shit you're doing and thinking it. Like when I was in high school, the stuff people got in trouble for was putting pictures of you with beer up on Facebook. Like idiots. But now people are putting whole fights up on YouTube. You know what?

Did I love, fuck all that shit. I mean, just even take, I mean, taking pictures of your food. I mean, just fucking, who are you? It's a meal. Just fucking eat the thing. You know? You're not fucking any legal. you can't do nothing, guys.

Like, I couldn't imagine being 22 in today's world. Like, half the fun is taken away, because there's always a little fucking cunt with a camera that has to take it out and tape shit. Put the fucking thing away. I cursed whoever put a camera in a phone every day of my life. Every day, every time I see a fucking jerk off, taking a picture, I think whoever put the camera on the phone,

and I go, I can't wait until they catch you getting your dick sucked by a black midget, and you're going to see you the mistake you made. You stupid motherfucker Because you didn't think right And now all these idiots Are gonna take them out for everything And I'm happy for some things

But some things are just let No, dude, I'm not even fucking kidding you bro I mean not any fucking pictures But everybody jumps online I got a fucking yelp Look just eat your motherfucking food And shut the fuck up Nobody needs your yelp

Like anybody's gonna read Like listen I wouldn't believe the fucking Yelp If you fucking paid me I have three or four people Right But I know that when they come to me and they go, Dog, come in for a second.

I went to this restaurant. I know these people because they're the type of people that aren't impressed by glam. There's people who are impressed with the meal, with the sprouts on top. I'm going to pay $54 for a piece of fish this fucking big to eat with a bunch of Gentiles so I can be seen. First of all, the crew I hung out with always,

we were professionals in the lunch special. Remember when we were friends? Where would we go? Hoy's wife. Always walk. Always walk. I told them. The best special in town.

I hunt down the special. Okay? Forget all that glam and all that shit. That's the fucking jerk off. All that shit. Dude. Yelp. All that shit.

I wouldn't fucking take... Listen, the other night, and I love your lead of death, but you're done with me when it comes to movies. The other night, watch that food. That chef movie?

You were John Favro? You didn't like that? What happened the first 50 minutes? Let's break it down. What happened the first 50 minutes? nothing nothing show him cooking

I don't want to see John Farrow cooking he went you know it was an all-star cast up front five fucking stars in the first 50 minutes my wife finally got up

and said wake me up if something good happens I just put sons of anarchy and tapped out yeah look it's a simple little fucking movie you know what I love

but when did it start what time did it start when did it fucking come to life it wasn't even about that's what I want it's about his relationship with his kid and all that fucking shit

I want to see what relationship with a guy joining the boy's guy. I don't give a fuck about some fake fucking movie. I got a fucking 72 inch fucking television with a fucking Blu-ray DVD player. Show me some fucking blood. I don't watch a guy. I didn't even watch a guy fucking cook.

I want to see explosions. Doug Stan Hope about 10 years ago said a statement at the improv that I left and I didn't agree with him. And today, if I see him, I will shake his hand. He said that America were getting fed mediocrity. He's right. And we're accepting.

Accepting it is great. Dude. You know, and I told my wife today, we were talking this morning, I go, let me ask you something. 30 years from now, when fucking The Exorcist comes on. What would you rather watch? The Exorcist from 1973, one of the greatest years for movie ever. 73 was the best year of movie.

That was like a three-year-half thing. Or chef. Yeah. Or chef. You can't. There's no relevance in these movies. Nothing's going to make you go back. Well, John Favre won Eight Academy Awards, a director of that.

Nothing's going to make you go back to that film. Yeah. But you're right, because I'll tell you something. At some point, I was going, I'm just glad this is a little independent feature. Sometimes you go, yeah, I mean, he does the Iron Man movies so he could break off and do this. I granted, it fell a little short in a couple of characters, but I enjoyed it just for the fact that. I could. I'll watch it again.

I couldn't sit there for 50 minutes. See, I'm a fucking cook. I like cooking, too. I'm fucking 300 pounds. I like to eat. I'm the opposite of you, cuck sucker. They showed ten scenes where he's just cooking. It's not even his hand.

The grilled cheese? I need to see that. I need to see you make a fucking grilled cheese. for that fucking half a fag kid, I need that shit. Come on, guy. How great was the chick from fucking the family show? I watched the beginning of it. She looked great.

What's her name? Sophia Vergara. Oh, my God, bro. No, I mean, it's not the best movie. Like, I told you to see Kingsman. I didn't tell you. I told you it wasn't going to be terrible. So I'm assuming you saw it and you hated it.

I didn't see nothing. Now you lost faith for another 10 years. No, no. But, Chef, I don't know. It was. Of course, you can't compare it to Scarface or the exorcist. But what my point is, it's mediocrity, and we're paying for them. We're leaving there going, that was okay, even though deep down and inside we want to go, that fucking sucked.

Well, dude, that sucked. And I've seen this since I was a kid. I saw this, but now I see it. You know, when I was a kid I hung out with Ato Sawa, I told you guys this. And Ato Sauer used to go to every concert. And I'd be at the concert behind Ato Sala. He was one of those kids that got the T-shirt and told you how good. the concert was Otto. The signs sounded like shit.

Even the fucking people were running out of there. But Otto was on time. Nobody could come to you and really tell you the truth because they feel bad about spending a short 20. That's my point. Well, yeah. I mean, do you think the difference is that there's a lot more movies coming out now? Because I've thought about that for a while. Yes. Yes. Because there's three, four new movies out every week.

Every week. And six of them. Right. Six or seven of them and what comes out on DVD that you'll never see, you know. And those are probably the better movies. Right. And I think that's what it is. I think it's, yeah, then definitely, it's not as good as the 70s, which was amazing. Yeah, but do you. But it's the best of what we got.

You're going to tell me, I had 10 people look me in the face and say, Birdman was the best movie they ever watched. And I was in until the bird showed up and started talking about. Then I got to go. That's it. That's it. Yeah, but there's no, there's nothing to talk about. Once the birds showed up, me and my wife literally said, like, this is not good. Go get a fucking sausage.

You know, but I talk to Hollywood people. Like the first guy, I know who the first, I ain't going to say his name. The first guy that called me and said that movie is the greatest fucking movie. I've yet to talk to him since then. I know somewhere in the conversation, I'm going to go, listen, next time you send me to a bum fucking movie, we're going to have a big fucking problem, okay? Well, listen, I mean, the first time you watch it, it does have this effect. I've watched it twice.

I've watched it twice. So the first time you see it, the drums by themselves, I mean, I thought that was really, unique is and the way the camera was used with those shots, those long shots, I'm going, you know, granted, the bird shows up and fucking ruins the movie. But the movie is called Birdman. You should be expecting to see a bird at some point in the fucking movie. I totally had like a pigeon or he said pigeons at the park or maybe he had a fucking parakeet. I don't want some life-sized birds showing up next to this fucking moron. I just paid $9.50. I got a babysitter.

Me and my wife are out to have a good time. I need this aggravation. And why you pay $9.50, Joey, you get away from reality? Why? No, no, no. I get away from reality when I eat one of those stars and I eat a piece of mushroom. I don't need to watch a bad fucking movie to take me away from reality. It had elements.

It had great elements. But not enough to win an Oscar. It wouldn't even survive. Did you see Theory of Everything, the kid that plays the Hawkins? Have you seen that? I got to go see that now. Two hours of a guy in a wheelchair. That's what I want to go see.

That's what I need. I called Einstein yesterday. You know my friend Einstein? He gave me a fucking 30 minute he had beaten about his friend who got hit by a truck. This guy's got the saddest life. First, he went to 9-11. He got blown up. He lost his job.

Then they gave him 400. Is that all he lost his job? He lost his job. He lost his job. Then they gave him 400 hours a week to live. Then he caught pneumonia. Then he caught nymphobia. Then he caught chlamydia.

And then one day he was walking down his chin. He got hit by a car and he woke up and his leg got lost. Then something else happened Then his wife left him Then the cat blew up And then meanwhile And I'm sitting down Then the dude gets pyrid

Disease of the gubs And fucking diarrhea in the same week That's what I did and then I go Einstein Give me the GoFund me I'll drop 100 Don't ever call me again Because now I gotta go cut a chicken

Set off as a Scentaria guy No I love that though But the go fund me That's the other thing Every fucking time I try to get off The fucking information Highway off ramp There's a 20 year old

I want to sell me His virtual bag of oranges Hey it's the cooler With the blender in it. Stop fucking putting like common shit. I don't give guys motherfuckers none. I give him the finger. Dude, there was a guy. I went to go phone. I give him the fucking finger. That's it.

And I'm a pussy. I give it to him as the light turns green. Don't give him to them when the light turns right. But everybody wants you to go fund them now. Go fund me. What did you got? These are sneakers that play guns and roses songs while you jog. You know what? Go fuck yourself. I don't need this shit. Oh my God. It never ends. You're not fucking Bill Gates looking for seed buddy.

You're a fucking, you know, a douchebag. It wasn't going to do you guys. I know why these young kids are joining. an ISIS. Because there's nothing. I got to deal with these fucking dummies all day. Agents that don't know how to pitch you, some fucking kid on Gmail

that wants to do, I want to you to go to Canada. How many times I got to tell you can't go to fucking Canada? Now they won't like Chris Browner. You know the chances of letting me and he just beat up Breanne? I beat up 50 fucking people. Got felonies. They don't let me in the fucking whatever. I lit a fucking crack hole on her wig on fire. They definitely got that on file, so I'm fucking wet.

What they do now? You're running in your You left the entire podcast If you're running on yourself How many people? I went to my background check thing I've had about 2 million background checks This podcast started Do you know that?

Dude, you've read war and peace? Nothing. Sit out and read the background check. That's right. I have one done. When you do like fucking last comic standing They send you the fucking thing It's like this big.

It's like fucking 60 pages of shit They looked into your life They looked into everything. They got to. You're going on fucking national television You're representing NBC. You are an employee. They do a background check on you

That guy fucking told me I still owed milk money from second grade. I mean, they fucking have everything. They have a file this big when you do they send it to you after they go check it out. It's crazy. Are you serious? Yeah, they want. Somebody sent me a questionnaire once for the biggest loser.

And I filled it out just as a goof when I sent it back. Oh my God. But NBC still hires me for regular shit. It's that shit they run you. They want references and they fucking call too. No, because it's not like for us. Because we're in show business. We get it. We're kind of been vetted already.

But you know, some of these other people are fucking Two weeks ago They were one of America's most wanted And now they're on fucking dancing with the stars Or whatever you got So for those reality shows They really do the thorough Now let's say you went on the last comic standing

And you had a really bad background Like me they're not gonna hire you No they would hire you But it would become part of the story Oh I don't give a phone No yeah You know you live like there There are some stories of someone doing porn

Or like just terrible not terrible stuff But I think that's more For reality shows You don't need to be doing They don't need to be doing porn You know, like Moonlighten as a porn star And now all of a sudden you're on last comic fucking Last Middalaq standing

I feel that I went to do Nickelodeon Super Ninjas And as I'm reading Right before I go to read They slip me something I look at it's a background check I'm like I'm gonna do this after the audition I'll go on there fuck their world up

And then give them this on the way out of the audition So I went in there fuck their world up And I come on I ask the lady What do you want a background check She goes come here She goes we caught one of our producers and that thing, that show, remember that show to Catch a Predator?

Oh, you catch a predator? It was a guy from Nickelodeon got caught, so Nickelodeon was in deep shit, so I had to do a background check. When I gave him the background check, I said, it was nice meeting you. Because I'll never see you again. Sure enough, they gave me a recurring world,

three episodes with the background check. Yeah, but they're looking for fucking, if you get caught in a park with a fucking whip and a Nazi helmet with a bag of candy, you know what I'm saying, with little German boots to give the kids. You know, they ain't looking for you if you sold a kilo I'm not to come a cop of...

That's fucking all. You know, you know, DUI big deal. You know, tax leave nothing. It's like that scene. Make sure you're not finger banging. It's like that scene in easy money. Look at that kid. Look at the kid.

Look at the way that man bounces that kid on his lap. That's love. And all of some lady comes with a cop. Excuse me. Excuse me. Is that your kid? And he goes, no, he just jumped on my lap and started bouncing up and down. And the cop goes, let me see some ID.

He goes, It's in my rain jacket. That's a classic. But it's not Rodney and Joe Pesci talking. It's over there. Nobody's ever done that before. Right. They're in the conversation.

And all of a sudden, you hear with the pervert. Rodney's like, look at the way the kid. Look at the way the father bounces that kid on his left. And they cut up close to him. And a cop comes with a lady and goes, what happened? What's going on there? You know this kid? He goes, I don't know this kid.

He just came over and he's not jumping on my lap. And the cop goes, let me see identification. He goes, it's in my other rain jacket. That's the joke. And you see Rodney looking at his fucking. Joe Pesci. Wow, that's great. So what's up with you?

Are you already seeing the devil cock suck? Yeah, you gave me 125 milligrams plus... That's 25. No, it's not. Those are the 25s? At least give me the credit when I do it.

Those are the 25s. No, they're not. There's no 25s. Maybe they... I talk to a guy. I have a source now. You talk to a guy who... Who knows how many milligrams on these.

And then... Fucking no shit. And then we had the mushroom stuff, which is fun. He talked to the guy, behind the guy, behind the guy. There's always a guy. How was the last comic experience for you from my... Did they contact

you and say, come down? Well, you know what the thing is, man? I just, I was... I just, you know, it was like one of the... I had like a three-a-day thing. I had an audition for a TV show. I had a fucking radio interview in downtown, and I had the sweet swing back, and I just thought, well, fuck it, I'll just do it.

It was just like a busy day, and I said, I'll just stop popping and do it just for a goof. And they invited me to be part of it, and I said, okay, well, it's an opportunity to just see what kind exposure you get from it and and uh you know i'd always put david tell's comedy on the ground in the can so i knew and so i did that they invited me to hundred they invited me to top 28 they invited me to top 10 i said fucking this is great i had a it was it was fun man it was great and i just saw wanda sykes at the sushi joint by my house and she came up and she gave me a big hug i mean it was a success

for them they brought it back i thought what they wanted to do was kind of kind of respected a little more this year i thought they they wanted to put the comedians display on process it wasn't the the the comedian's process on display wasn't stupid. I mean, it kind of made you get there with, then it became Real Housewives of the last comic standing. But still, I mean, I thought it was, they did it better this year than they've done in previous

years. That was my, and it was good, man, it was great to be part of it. There was a lot of guys, Rocky Laporte's been doing it forever. D.C. Benny's been doing it forever. You have Nicky Carr's been doing it for a long time. Rodman's been doing it for a long time. You guys like Lachlan Patterson and Monroe Martin, you know,

and Ada Rodriguez. I mean, you know, these people We've been around for a while doing it, you know. So it was nice that everybody got a bump out of that. And everybody's out there, you know, where before some guys are going, I've got to go to fucking real estate school. These guys are now got a little second win. So it's good. I think it's good for comedy.

I think it was good for stand-up comedy. And I think people's careers have their ups and downs. I think stand-up comedy has its ups and downs. And I think it's on an upswing now. It just happened to premiere the same weekend that David Tells Comedy Underground. premier, which was great. I loved the way. I mean, he edited those shows that were shot with gopros, the audience holding gopros.

I thought, boy, you talk about reinventing the wheel and reshooting the show. I mean, that was a show you watched, and you felt like you were in the audience. And David Tell, one of the funniest dudes out there working, I mean, he just kind of reinvented the wheel, and he took charge of it, and he edited all those episodes. He said, I was

going to like Comedy Central edit it. They look at comedy the way Romanian orphanages, look at children. Fucking Comedy Central. But he oversaw the editing and said, hey, I just got done it. And it looked great, man. It looked great. The thing is, I was talking to somebody else that had something going on with Comedy Central.

They said that when the whole experience was over, they were in shock how much they didn't know, how much they ended up doing themselves. If not, nobody else would do it. And I explained to them, I said, there's so many people in this town that think that they depend so much on their managers and their agents. and I was raised a different way that you had one shot. I'd give you in the old days. I used to give you one shot. Doug, call Warner Brothers find out what's going on in that row. I'll call you in a half hour.

What's going on? When I called and left a message, you're done. You're done. That's it. Message. Message. You're done. You know, before the computer thing came,

there was a time I had three agents. Once Gettlin left. No, I know. You were working, bro. I was working them. I had three agents on paper that did not know about each other. And I would see, and it taught me something as I was scamming, it also taught me how they saw me. So I would see how this guy would call me with a distinct different look.

And I knew that this guy and this guy had seen the same breakdown. Yeah. But this guy saw something different. And I learned how different agents saw me. And that was very interesting. But there's a guy I bumped into, I swear to God, at Marie E.T. About a month ago. His name is Greg Mayo.

Great guy. The guy had been here 30 years. Greg Mayo, just Greg Mayo. Yeah. He had an office and mentor. He was a one-man show. He started at ICM in the 70s. And like in 87, he says, I'm done with ICM and all these big agents.

I'm going to take 40 people and I'm going to book theater and character actors. I happen to bump into the guy at a gay gym. Christy Miller gave me a free pass to Golds when she was a manager at the Gold and Gower. Right. And they gay people. That's the gay. Nice people. He started talking to me.

I could tell he wasn't trying to hit on me. He just asked me, who's your agent? You have a nice look to you. And right away, I was a little apprehensive, and I met him up at his office. And the guy turned out to be a great agent. I'll tell you how great an agent he was. He took a Sam Weissman. Sam Weissman was a big-time comedy director when we got here.

He's done now. But he directed the David Spade films. He saw a part for an extra in that movie. He contacted the fucking. guy and he goes, wouldn't it be funny if Joey Diaz walked in there with a midget and five black guys? He sold it. Guys,

this is what I'm talking about. He sold it, but he was gay and he used to go to Palm Springs. And in my world, there's no vacations. No, no. You know what I'm saying? He would leave on Friday and I come back until Tuesday. Dude, down there all weekend, dude, D.D. Bats over a fire hydrant.

He didn't eat and eating fucking ramen and whatever the fuck they eat, right? And he's down there jumping up and down, and I called them. I fucking call him them, though. I'm like a Tuesday, and I go,

out there jumping up and down. This is one of, eating the ramen. You think I'm fucking kidding you guys. This is when the longest yard breakdown came out. And one of the agents I had called me, he goes, hey man, the longest yard came, I go call him back.

And he called him back, and he was the first person that goes, he goes, I don't think so. They're not going to see you because they were looking for a star. They either want Tony Serragusa or a big pussy from the Sopranos. And I was like, that's not good enough. And I asked the gay agent, Greg Mayo. A Greg Mayo called down there.

And then I had somebody else. I had somebody. I had Greg at Acme. He was just a pothead. I just sold him weed. And he made certain calls from him. He was one of those dudes that all he did was set up casting director workshops in different states. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And it's like, fuck this shit out of 18-year-old. Yeah. When I'd see him on Tuesday, he'd have fucking camera. This is before the phone and the camera. This guy actually went in with cameras, took pictures of him and took him back to his hotel and said, get naked, suck my dick, I'll get your job with... Who was the fucking guy from Colonel Hogan? What was the dude name from Hogan's heroes?

Bob Crane? He had the fucking Bob Crane started kid. He had the Bob Crane started kids. This guy was getting his dick sucked all over the country. A casting director workshops. So you fucking people see those castorrecter workshops. Mind your business. Don't go to them. They put like 200 bucks and they have you read

and they tell you have a career in this shit and meanwhile you got nothing. You got who got you like Pinocchio in the Geico commercial. The guy says to you, you have a future. his nose grows. Guys, like a pedophile at a fucking one of those Honey Boo Boo can fucking fashion shows. Greg was worthless. Greg was worthless unless I got

him a Coke rock or like eight ounces of weed which I pinched an ounce and put water in the bag. Oh, I used to work this guy. I used to sell him the wetter's weed in town. He always told me, how come this weed's drink? Because I got to make a living. I would spray it with a spray bottle to make it way.

Then he put it in the trunk of the car and it would dry and he'd lose an ounce automatically. Who do you think you're dealing? That's an whole fucking street thing. So, come on, Lee. You want to run with Jews, Lee? I'm pretty impressed. That's a pretty good. No, me, Jesus. No, that's nothing. That's back in the day.

That's back in the day. Back of the day, you would buy an eighth for fucking 200. You'd go upstairs, do one, throw three and a half grams of cut on it, running out. Get your original eighth back. Oh, forget about it. And now you have two for the head. America. What's better in America?

I sold the eight boss who I met I met one time from the, from the fucking, from the, welcome Padre. it's three and a half I took like two grams out and threw like aspirin and he kept calling me and I wouldn't have take his call he forgot all about he never said none to me

Paul Rodriguez gave me 251 and I caught him at the I caught Paul at Elcomadre This is after I got to meet Paul Right from the fucking Garter right there Right there right there I knew Paul was a fucking dirty Coke fin

And when I bought him from Elcompadre after Latino then he goes Can you get some up here? I go absolutely I go what do you want He goes on A ball Go give me 300 I bought the 8 ball and left

and never gave it to him. That motherfucker never said a word to me. Why did he bargain for it? Like, why did he figure out how much money you wanted? I didn't give a fuck. Yeah, he didn't remember, bro. He don't remember. I told him, give me 300 for the 8 ball.

He probably bought 3 8 balls on his own while he was there and forgot about it. Oh, yeah. Fucking craziness, Lee. Fucking craziness. But what we thought of the three agents, so what happened was, the longest shot came out. I go, Greg had juice.

I go, Greg, call John, the guy on Venice Boulevard. called Caste and Cat. John Sumpkin, I go, call him up and get me in there. And he calls me right back and he goes, Calco, I don't know if I could get you in there. That's a strong office. That night, Jim Kellam comes to see me at the Ice House.

He goes, you have an agent. I got like three of them, but I could use a fourth. I don't know, Jim Kellam. I go, can you get me? The office up there right above Subway over there. By the wig shop. I go, can you get me into the longest shot? He goes, well, John Papsedera.

Who's a cool motherfucker. He cast me in three or four things. Let me tell you how much juice he's got. I went to Vegas one day. I was nine and that motherfucker was sitting there with Tony Bennett. Just him and Tony Bennett. Then I went to the fucking motorcycle convention in Milwaukee. Who's at my hotel?

John fucking whatever's name. That's how bad that casting guy is. He's also casting that show now on Showtime. What's the show with all the stars on it? With fucking the dude, and he plays the Hollywood Fixer. Oh, Ray Donovan. Ray Donovan. Have you seen that show?

Have you seen anything? A couple times. It's okay. It's all right. It don't do nothing for them. It ain't on the room. Yeah, it ain't on. It ain't the Sopranos.

Yes. So, uh, it's good. Don't, don't hold your hats when you negotiate with these desert people. So, uh,

so I talk to Callum and Callum's like, I get you the movie part, whatever. Well, sure enough, they call, you know, they call to offer my movie to?

Huh. Out of all the agents I had calling there, and all the people, guess who they call to offer the movie to, Stacey Pololulu. That's how stupid Warner Brothers was. She's a publicist. And somehow and another, they got Stacey's name.

And they're like, Stacy, I would like to offer Joey Diaz a role in the longest yard. Stacey's like, what the fuck are you talking about? Stacey called me and she goes, they're looking for you. They want to cash you. So I called Jim Kellam, and I called the gay guy to see who would hit the mark first. Kellam got it first.

He got the commission. I went, I went up there, I fired the gay guy. Fire him that afternoon. I got to go. I got a big agent. I left him two weeks later. He's looking at a variety. And I get cast at the longest yard.

He's fuming. He's calling everybody. Really? Yeah, and he called me, and I told him the truth. I said, Doug, I had to let you go because you told me they were looking for a star. So you're done. I am a fucking star. How are you going to tell me they're looking for a star?

I put the fucking thing down. I sent the tape myself. Now everybody wants a piece of the action. Nobody's getting nothing. In my world, it's first man who dials. It's first man who dials. We and him are going to do something. I called this production lady.

On a Monday at 10 o'clock, she didn't answer the phone. I ain't doing business with you. I call you on a Monday at 10 o'clock. You don't answer the phone. I ain't doing business with you. How the fuck you're not going to answer the phone at Monday at 10? Unless you call me back like at 3.30. What'd you want?

Nothing. Nothing. Really? I don't deal with people. Monday, you got to answer the phone. 8 o'clock. If you got to be there at 9, I call you at 8.30 just to see what type of heart you got.

If you answer the phone, oh. Bro, you did? Yeah, listen. I need this and this and this. Let's get this going. Yeah, that's the best time to call. Yeah, that's the best time to call, actually. Yeah, I don't fuck around.

I ain't got nothing going on. They just got that. Yeah. Give them something to do. Yeah. Come on now. Why would you want to do business with somebody who doesn't answer a fucking phone Monday at 8 o'clock in the morning?

I want you to attention Monday at the clock. You do call me 8 o'clock almost every morning? 8 o'clock. I got no time to fuck around. I say 6 years old. You don't drink. You don't do blow. Why would you be up in two?

Because you were playing games? I ain't got time for that shit. You step up to 3 fucking around. I'm going to call you at 8. That's 5 hours. When I was 26, I slept one hour with an eye open. What the fuck? That's called a Hollywood wake-up call, Lee.

That's called Hollywood. That's true. Today I was watching, boiler room was on. And it was the beginning when the guy from Boston is giving the speech in the office. And he said something, that's true. He goes, give me, he walks in and he tried to pull up, what's his name? Alex Baldwin got the best speech ever to a sales room. Glenn Garry, Glenn Ross, yeah.

But the second one is this kid. This kid walks and he goes, hi, get the, get the. fuck up. You're sitting in my chair. Get up. Get out. That's how he opens up to me. Then the other kid, who's got a serious service license? I do. Get the fuck out. We don't hire brokers. We train him here. And he goes, listen, I'm going to keep this nice and simple. You're going to be a millionaire in three years. Okay? Now, in the process, I don't give a fuck about your mother. I don't give a fuck about your family. I really don't. I'm telling you're going to be a millionaire in three fucking years.

You're 21. You could fuck around at 21 or You can fucking get the fuck out. You want to take vacations? Go teach school. You want to take vacations? Go teach school. We don't take vacations here. Don't ask.

We work 24-7 Sundays and Saturdays double. So you're not going to do that? Get the fuck out. But you're going to be a millionaire in three years. Because, or not you'll be a million in five years. Because with that work ethic at 20, they can't stop you. And that's what most kids today don't have. It's a joke.

It's Twitter. It's Facebook. It's fucking, the fucking games with the whatever. There's too many distractions. Yeah, people are trying to write the Great American tweet. Yeah, and there's too many fucking distractions. People trying to shoot a fucking, you know. And it's true.

At 21, you should want to fucking make $10 million. Yeah, I don't understand. Go after. When I was 21, I was either going to steal it or make it. I didn't know how I was going to do it. But in the meantime, I ain't going to miss a meal. If it's between me missing a meal or that wallet falling out of your pocket, You know what?

I got a magnet in my hand and you got a magnet in your fucking pocket. You know, I didn't know what, you know, I don't understand the mentality, but people will come to you and that's all we've discussed this a million times. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

You know, how many comics you talk to them call you up and say, Jay, well, Jimmy, it's just not happening for me, man. Well, do me a favor. Go down to the improv this week. I can't. I'm going to play golf. Yeah.

I can't talk to you. You know what's funny, man? I play golf. I'll play golf, but I'll play golf when I'm fucking doing Sarasota. I'm out on the road. I'm not going to miss an audition. I'm out there.

Yeah, I'll go on and play a little around the golf. Not even golf. They tell you they're going to their father. The sister's wedding. I don't give a fuck about your fucking sister. You put 200 in the envelope. Today I got an invite to my niece's wedding. I love her.

She's one of my favorite niece. But guess what? She's going to do some in the envelope. Yeah. I'm in Minneapolis. I don't cancel Minneapolis. October 16th. A little fucking wedding.

First of all, that's college football season. So that dude's a pussy. You married the wrong fucking dude. Nobody gets married on college. That's a big fucking mistake. You don't. You don't. We've had this fucking discussion.

You've got to look at the calendar and say, and look at everybody's calendar. Everybody's calendar. Who doesn't matter? April, May, June? May, June, July. It's boring. There's no football.

There's no conflicts. You miss a baseball game. There's another one tomorrow. You know what I'm saying? But college, come on. You're not going to fucking, and I don't even like college football. I'm telling you I wouldn't fucking go just on a principle. That's how I fucking wrote.

cocksuckers? What's Tony better at? You're slipping today. You're over there sitting half-moked up. It's a beautiful day to be a live, cocksuckers month. March 9th. You're over there moped up? I'm not moaked up. You're going to put the video on the new TV?

There's no video. It's just a like a whatever it's called. A shallow. Slideshow. It was better than this. I'm getting hit right now with those mushrooms. That's what's better than this. Those mushrooms are creeping while I'm sleeping.

Me too. Oh, shit, the THC start. Thank God I got a cookie first leaf away. Oh, no. Put the music on. Who told you the fucking what? What are you, DJ turn off? Put the fucking music on.

DJ turn off. No, but sometimes, like, if I got drunk and then I tried to get high, it wouldn't happen. and last time we did the mushrooms, we did the mushrooms first. And I couldn't feel the star. We did the star first today, and now the mushrooms are, they're both kicking in. I'm a street farmer, sir. I know how to mix and match and keep you all that.

I got a piss. There's no pissing during the show. No, come on, I got a fucking, my back teeth, the fuck. There's no pissing during the fucking show, cuck, sucker. Oh, my God, I'm loving it for that. What's the story? Can I turn the music off? No, you can't turn the fucking music on?

What's going on? You got sciatica? No, my dad does. I did. He's doing good. You know, I don't fuck around. That's why I got this head. So what else, Lee?

I did a podcast last night, like one in the morning. I was just, I was super bored because of the time change. All right. What happened to you? So I just, I had a melted green hornet in my drawer that you always. get mad at me for not eating. So I pulled it out and I started talking people on Twitter

and we did like a 45 minute podcast. Good for you, brother. See, you had a good time. Nobody got their feelings here. You look good. What are you losing down? You're down in 90? No, I'm still 85.

You still 85? But I'm finally getting to the point where there's, like I'm back to the lowest. What are you eating? What are you eating over the weekend? You know, I'm losing the weight with Mama. It wasn't that. It was, like, my trip to Florida.

Then there was Valentine's Day. It seemed like there was, like, from, since November, it's been just like there's one excuse after another to cheat and it's so and like I'm up it's my fault but since then I've been kind of just I haven't gained which is cool but

other than that I've been kind of staying the same My mom is dying. She's doing great She's almost at 80 pounds. Really? Yeah. She's beating and she has. No I'm beating her still barely but I had more to lose as you did. She'll fuck you up pretty soon. She got just pass right by you see. She goes you could give her

a, that's how you fuck her up you got to give her star and why she eat ice cream, then you can beat it. That's how you have to do it. You have to be on top of the fucking thing. You got an American ingenuity. You know what I'm saying? She's applying to be like a district attorney. I don't think she wants to have... Listen, by the time she takes the piss test

that's like two years from that, right of low. She could do heroin every night this year and still come back clean. All right, so don't worry about it. Close that door, Jimmy Tush. She's before the cops thrust in here and think that we got mushrooms and shit. It's fucked up that Kennison's been gone so long. I read

I reread the book the other days. Did you really? I mean, it's been 23 years, bro. 23 years? No. 93? 92. 92, dude.

I think about it all the time. I think about, God, that seems like a lifetime ago. But, boy, was that fun. You know? And you know, the funny thing is, is I think back on his legacy, you know, and you go, you know, like Bill Hicks is a guy

who has become more famous, posthumously. And Sam, Sam's kind of, It was, you know, dropped down a little bit. I'm thinking he left to, you know. I mean, he's a great comedian, an amazing comedian, but just didn't, I don't think left him big enough body work, you know. It's just 23 years ago. This April, it will be 23 years.

March 10th. It's amazing that, 7 o'clock. Yeah, I still remember, you know, going home and not being surprised, like going, you know, like not going, wow. Well, you know, the thing. thing is I'm just glad because having tour with him and hung out with him and there's a friend of his

I was glad that he didn't OD in a hotel room like fucking blue she would like fucking two hookers and stuff like that I mean at least the guy was protecting his wife and some guy was in the head-on collision the other guy was at fault he was protecting his wife he lost his life but his wife lived

they lost the child she was pregnant at the time so you think about that and you go man it's just it just kind of rolls out of the car and LeBoe was there and He goes, I don't want to go. He goes, don't worry, you're not going to die. And he realized he's not talked to him. He's looking past him.

I mean, just car was there holding, and cars are driving over these beer cans that are in the back of the pickup truck. They're now on the road, and they're spraying all over the back of his head. And he goes, I have those fucking memories. It's just like the beer just spraying on my head. And then he just realized, he goes,

he just expired in his arms, you know? And it was like, you know, those guys had a, you know, a friendship They were both there. They started the same night, and then they kind of ended it, you know. I mean, Carla Bo, I fucking loved the death, but the guys, you know, got the shitty into the stick and that deal. But still one of the funniest dudes working,

one of the most physical comics out there I've ever known, you know. It's just, it was a crazy time. You know, I think I was just young enough at the time to survive it all. I mean, there's dude, I mean, I knock wood every day going, man, there's a freaking hundred nights you could OD or whatever. You're hanging with these guys. I mean, you're torn with this dude is one of the most controversial comedians

in America at the time doing, you know, fucking 3,500 people. I'm doing the spectrum in Philadelphia where I used to go out, you know, the flyers and the Sixers playing, you're doing 6,300 people and your entire families in the audience. And that day there was a fucking story

in the newspaper that was an interview with you and you had these fucking great, cool moments, you know? So, yeah, and not to mention, the guy was a fucking brilliant comedian. I mean, people, if you go back and you watch your stuff, it still stands up. It's still a...

impressive shit. I mean, you know, it's, and that whole, you know, Hicks and him had kind of started together. So it was like, I think maybe he took a beyond, but even if you listen to Hicks' stuff, I mean, Letterman did. We ran a Hicks set on the anniversary that his mom on, which I thought was really cool. He doesn't know why we beeped this guy. He goes, I thought it was great. There was nothing in there that we could, and he apologized to his mom. But, you know, that, that was, you know, if you read, I just finished reading a great book called Comedy from the Edge by Richard Zockland. Have you read that book about, but he just talks about how stand-up comedy in 1970s changed America. And he literally takes it from, you know, Lenny to Carlin and Pryor, who became counterculture.

Got cons who influenced this whole generation, who influenced that whole generation, and influenced that generation. And just how, I mean, because you think about it, it wasn't even a fucking real occupation at the time. I mean, there was guys doing vaudeville, and then there was a guy doing nightclubs. And then, fucking 1980s, you had the explosion of all these comedy clubs. You could actually fucking make a living doing stand-a-old. them comedy before I don't think you could but it's it's a great read but

yeah you think I think about those guys like you know I can do Richard Jenny was one of those guys who would watch with just fucking pound for pound just one of the funniest dudes I mean as far as structurally joke structure and just fucking boom I mean you know you kind of miss that a little bit you know I mean guys who do it well

I mean dude I don't know maybe I told you this before but it's like I was doing a festival in Ireland my fucking mom and dad came over to Ireland my brothers my old man got to see me perform in Ireland you know crossed it off the fucking bucket list and coming back I'm sitting with fucking Dom and he goes I'm so glad your family came out he goes I don't he goes I don't know he goes I would never be doing a show in Italy I could find my family so I was hoping that you would bring your family and everybody came out they had dinner that

night and Dom on the way back we're we're waiting for the plane and he says I wonder if you're uh he goes I wonder if your family realized how tough it was for you to do and I said what you mean he goes with Jimmy you're playing the A comedy club you're playing all the clubs that you see everybody in. He goes, you know what? He goes, how many fucking guys you know

to do that? I said, no, he goes, I'm serious. How many guys you know that are alive? They're doing it. They're doing it at a high level.

I said, shit, I could probably come up with 80, 90 names. He goes, yeah, together we probably have cross-over. I bet you'd come up with 125, 130 names. I go, yeah. He goes, you know, how many professional baseball players do you know? I said, you know,

20, 25 men rushes, 32 teams, it's like 750 guys. Yeah, give her take. You know, NHL, a little less, NBA's a little less because it's still a pretty fucking elite group because it's a really, you're making you live in as a professional stand-up comedian. I had never thought

about it in those fucking terms before. I had never, never even into my mind and I went, wow. Yeah, if you think about it, you're making you live and doing a stand-up comedy. That's, I mean, and if you're doing it in a fucking high level and you're doing all those clubs, that's fucking, dude, it's an elite group. I didn't,

I didn't put that much thought into it, but it really kind of woke me up a little bit. I thought it was a great observation. feel right now at times I'm living in a dream. I am working at places that 10 years ago I never dreamed of even contacting. Yeah. I never dreamed of even walking into. I'm talking to people that I never thought I heard about them and I never thought I would have the opportunity to meet those people. Yeah. Every time I wake up, I'm so fucking thankful. Well, you put the work in, Joe. You put the work in. I mean, it's like just perseverance. I mean, you've hung in there and an opportunity to present themselves and I think you've

taking really taking those opportunities and taking them to the freaking but never thought of it like this I never thought

I'd be capable to put that people would come see me I never thought of it in that term I always thought of it as yeah

I'll do comedy no but dude you're a fucking genuine art what's going on with you over there everything is a cuck sucker

you're breathing like you're dying over there get it together I am I am I'm just trot it over

the fucking lead and break him up No, but it's cool. Like, the past few weeks, you've gone to a few places where you were excited, but before you're like, I don't know how I'm going to do here. And then I call you Thursday night, and you have like 200 seats sold. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. And the people that are coming out.

The people are the coming out. I'm talking to the map to shows and I'm taking pictures and I'm feeling them. I'm feeling what they're saying. I can't fucking believe it. Let me tell you. I live in a dream. Like, I live in a dream. Every day I go, this is going to pop.

Yeah, I know exactly. Because I'm going through it right now. Just because of the last comic standing, you're doing the thing now. And the last couple times I've hit, probably like the last six weeks on Saturday night, sold out shows, hit bonuses, fucking people come up and just hanging out, taking pictures and meeting your people. But you know the thing is, guys like Larry De Cable Guy. I don't even care what you think about. But I know the dude's work. I knew him before, Larry Cable Guy.

And Dan Whitney is one of those guys, stand there and shake every hand, talk to people. That's the thing you build your fan base. I mean, I never understand a guy who doesn't come out and meet these fucking people. The kid just paid fucking $25 to come see them. Go out and hang out, shake their hand. I have a fucking drink with him. I mean, you know what I mean? It's weird, but I'll tell you, it's, it's been happening.

I'm going through the same thing now, but it's awesome. I mean, you know how hard and how long you work to get there. You do not take that for granted. Oh, it's very special. Yeah. It's something that I'm grateful. When I see people who aren't grateful and act like jerkoffs and I hear stories about them on stay, I get fucking pissed.

It makes me because we're so fortunate. We fly every week. I know people who don't fucking fly at all. who if you tell them you're going to get on the plane, they think like it's fucking great. I take flying for granted. I know the airports. I know the food of different airports.

I get excited. If I'm flying out of Newark, I always try to get those crab cakes out of the United. The best in the country, five places that are the top five. You get two crab cakes with two fucking eggs, sunny side up, two pieces of wheat toast.

Before you get on that 5 a.m. flight, it puts you right into nappy Nunuville. By the time you get to fucking L.A., it's nine o'clock. Dude, I was just in Asia. Check this out. I think that's fucking crap. Dude, I'm just in Asia. I was in fire. I flew to Hong Kong.

You did the same room as Ari did. Yeah, I'm the same room as Ari did. I'm the one of got Ari in there and check it out. I miss Bill Burb. I do that Bill Burr's over in freaking Singapore and Hong Kong. I'm in Shanghai. I'm just crossing over him. He went to Mumbai after that. He did like a tour right through there.

But I mean, you go out there and there's these ex-packs, these Americans, Australians, English, English-speaking, is that just love American stand-up comedy and they bring you over, you get to stay in the, I'm telling you, the best hotels I've ever been in, the hospitality's first class, they take care of you, you've got enough to eat, yeah, you want to go out, and everybody

taking care of you don't have to speak their language, although it's nice to know a few long, few lines, like, Nietzsche, you know, fine, my mom, how much for a hand job? No, that's just, just not the way to get yourself run a massage joint. No, I'm just kidding. But it's, but it's cool, man. The food is fucking amazing. It's just experimenting going, I can get the go.

people save up their whole lives for a trip just to go to Beijing where the air quality is so ridiculously bad but I've been there and went to the forbidden city don't ever go there and I know why it's forbidden they didn't have a Starbucks in there but I'm just saying why would you go dude you don't realize how many Asian people are dude it's 1.7 billion I mean the 0.7 is more than we have in our entire country it's like for every Chinese guy

there's nine Chinese guys I'm saying I mean, it's ridiculous. But it's cool. I mean, I get to have that trip, and I've done it a couple times now. But, yeah, you go, shit, man, what's better than this? You know? I mean, going to Israel.

I went to Israel, dude. Did some shows for the Kobe Mandel Foundation. I mean, yeah, I got to travel every week anyway. But, I mean, those trips are just for me. I want to go see some shit, you know? Yeah. It's hard to describe me in 1994 in a one-bedroom, Rocky apartment. That's what my friends used to.

to call my apartment. The Rocky apartment. I lived in North Boulder. I paid 400 a month. There was a little kitchen when you walked in that I never lit the fucking stove one time in three years.

No once. The refrigerator never had a stitch of food in it. Just fat tire beer and water for the next morning recovery and a little gatorade from time to time. The gas station was down the corner

had no phone. No phone ever in that place. You want to call me? You got to call the gas station. All right. This is no shit. That's what you could live off the grid. How would you find out you got a call?

I didn't care. I didn't care. They would take messes at the gas station, and I would pay you back from the pay phone with a calling card. This is how fucked up my life was. Wow. If I wanted to call you, if you lived around the corner, I had to walk to the gas station to call you.

It was fucking people would pick me up at the gas station. I would tell people pick me up at the gas. I lived across from North Boulder Recreation Center. Yeah, bro. That shit builds character, by the way. You walked in. I had a little tub show. A stand-up shower with a sliding door, a toilet, and there was a wall that had a little hole in it.

And I used to throw my empty bindles in there. One night, I could have sworn I left Coke on a binnoled. I ripped the wall down. There was a million fucking bindles behind there. And that one of them would coke. All of them had molding them from me licking them. Oh, Jesus. And closing them.

Everyone had green in them. I had to put the wall back up. The landlord kept coming down and I'd go, you can't go in them back to them. Why not? Because I wouldn't let them in because I ripped the wall down. It was fucking, my bedroom was beautiful. I had a beautiful window, beautiful bedroom, but it was connected, the bed, the bed I had took everything up.

So basically the door didn't open a shirt. You just fell in. I haven't had that room before. I didn't have a bureau before. This was the apartment, and it was clean, no mice, beautiful. It was just a rocky apartment. I had a bench for a dining room table. That's all you needed that way.

I had a Sony Triniton from the old days, and I was getting them shipped out. No. I kept one. And I had a fucking. couch from medieval times that somebody left on the porch and I doped it up, Puerto Rican, that it up, steam cleaned it upstairs and it was brand new for the sitting.

And you would sit there and you sleep on your cycle, you know, like it just one shot, and they realized that it wasn't a ham negative. The guy from the neighborhood made it good, you know? Oh, my God, I used to go there and get poked up. They had a little window in the middle of the room. I used to hide from that little window. So I turned the light of the bathroom off

and just hiding the fucking mattress. It was just horrid. But I loved the place. It was clean. But I used to go back there at nights after I'd do comedy, and I would read just for laughs. Remember the newspaper that John Fox used to put out of the San Francisco? And in the back there was a comedy club guide. And I would circle the clubs.

I was going to perform at Igbees in the Comedy Store. And just the Houston laugh stop, because that was all there in 91, 93. Yeah, I was just in your old stomach rounds. I was up there in Tacoma. I was up there doing that the Tacoma Comedy Club. So what's in Tacoma? It's a great club It's a family run operation

But I'm telling you It used to be the underground And they bought it No no no no This is a brand new room This is a great room This is a blue-collar audience That comes in there

They're a frickin'amette I was just in Tacoma Dude I'm telling you The Coma Comedy Club For my money I mean they got the You know They got those high-end places

Up in Bellevue And you know In Seattle The room The velvet room The parlor That's what it's good Yeah the parlor

It's nice I've done those rooms But I'm telling you man I tap into that audience In Tacoma Working class blue collar People want to come I'm there, they want to laugh.

And you come out of that swinging, bang, bang, punchline, dick joke, they're on board. Everybody's going to it. I mean, it was great. So you're working every week now, yeah, yeah. I mean, I try to hang out. I try to, you know, audition when I'm in town. But, you know, I'm still running that high from last comic. I have not stopped

fucking working since I came out of that show, which is the great thing, believe me, and it's great. And I'm working on a new hour for Netflix. I'm developing that and putting that together. We're taping that like the third week in August. putting all that stuff together. I'm coming out with a brand new brand new fucking hour. And that's what I've been working on. Jimmy Schumer, where's the crazy ex-girlfriend, the white one that lived in Florida?

That was a sign with three yards before she left. Where is she? She's in St. Augustine with her parents. You know, her parents are getting old. Her dad just went through some stuff. So she kind of moved back to be with her parents. You know, I guess she's happy. I don't really kind of get involved. I mean, there's a reason they're an ex-girlfriend.

You know what I'm saying? When was the last time he spoke to him? You call it once a year. You talked to him maybe once a year. You know, maybe a couple years ago. It's just I kind of moved on, you know. I moved on. It's like, you know, and I really did.

Listen, I'm surprised you even talked to it three years ago. Yeah. I'm just asking maybe through, you saw her a picture on Facebook. Yeah, man. I went out for seven years, man. She was fucking nuts. We all, we've all had a girlfriend that was just nuts. And I remember seeing her like an 8 o'clock at night in Miami and then bumping the tide

five. Yeah. And going like, what the fuck? You were going home at 8.30. You did a spot. Women are the only people that they could tell you something. And then 10 minutes later, there's something called. You could call a woman and go, what's up?

What are he doing? I'm staying. I'll see you when you get here. When you get there's a note. Susie came over. She fell down to the stairs. She needed somebody to have a drink with. What the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about?

I don't give her to fuck if she fell on the stairs. Yeah, everyone asked her to send her home. Let me tell you some. I love that girl, but she was a fucking handful. She was like Kim Basinger for Blind Nate. Whatever you do, don't give her any liquor, bro. Don't do any shots with her because I'm telling you. And look, I mean, dude, I probably stayed in that relationship

a couple years longer than I should have. But, I mean, you know, she was, you know, that's where you learn those lessons. You go, be careful to people you let it into your life because it says a lot about who the fuck you are at the time. I had the stripper for four years, which was a fucking nightmare. Yeah.

And she still calls. me she called me the other day to talk to me about something investing opportunities or jiu-jitsu she's opening up a jitza school she went and it's always every boyfriend hers ends up in jail even this white guy now her fiancee ended up in jail what happened he was on probation and he bought what's the common denominator

though what's the common she's fucking crazy yeah the common denominator is her yeah she's so poisoned that even as a boyfriend you pay for her sins even as a boyfriend you pay for her sins and I had a lot of fun with her a lot of laughs you know

but it was it was taxing on your soul and people always ask me man there was a point I knew you Joey out in L.A. You were having a hard time you really weren't that funny

I don't know how you were getting by then one day you just got funny the day I stopped dating that girl my life changed forever it was four years of you know 60% of your time is thinking about this person.

Like, what is? You know what it is? You can't even think about or create possibilities in your own life. No, it was too much. And the pussy and all the sex was great. She let me fucking torture and tie her up and stab her. She let me fuck her in the ass. But at the end of the day, it wasn't worth it. I'd rather just get a blow job and fuck you once a month and have no drama.

She was a filthy fucking animal. She was getting to wear the ex-boyfriend mask while you fucked her. Oh, my God, I had to beat the boyfriend up, the ex. He came out. I got arrested. It was four years. I ended up fighting with her on in front of Gavin's house. She was going to hit me with a steak and I was going, no, I was going to hit her with a fucking meatloaf and she was going to hit me with mace.

And I threw chain jadder. I remember walking away from her going, this is, is this even fucking? Why am I doing this? Dude, I got news for you. I will fucking never do that. Never. Now, once you do it one time, you'll go, yeah, wow. No. No.

It's easy to say, oh, my God, but I never, never did I deal with any time. You know, I was never a sex addict. I like my dick suck. I like snort and coke. That's when I get those dirty thoughts. Besides that, I don't get dirty thoughts. I don't need to get pussy every night. When I was first doing comedy, I had that rocky apartment.

I lived in that rocky apartment for four years. I think two girls walked in the door. Because I always had something after like 27, I had this saying that a buddy in mind told me before you bring him home, ask yourself if you want to wake up to this fucking animal. Once the booze is done, it's like that old saying,

look at a guy and put a police suit on him. If it fits, don't fuck with him. He's a cop. I used to, for years, when I was 27, I learned a very valuable lesson. If you look at a woman, you could tell this bitch is going to be a pain of the ass in the morning.

Can you want to wake up to this bitch? I don't care how good the blow job is. I don't care if she's going to stick a tongue up my ass. First of all, I only got a gram. And I'm not going to take a chance with this animal. If I bring her home and she don't suck my dick, I'm going to kill her. Because I only got a gram. I got three quarters of a fucking gram.

She better suck my dick. So if I'm thinking this, I just say, forget it. It's better than rough fucking forget. Go rub one out with tissue with love, roll over a call it. No, no, no, no, no. You wake up, tomorrow's a brand new fucking day. There was a point in my life where I didn't even want women around. I didn't want nobody around.

But the only way you would come over if I knew you were a short thing. Like, I don't want to talk about it. As a matter of fact, as soon as you walk in, just drop your dress. Because I don't want to talk about this later. Let's snort some coke. Let me suck your tities just together. Let me suck your pussy just together. And women will look at me and go, are you crazy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do a couple lines. There's no reason to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no reason to do no lines. I'll do one line to meet your ass and let's get it out of the way. So the rest of the night we can just rest. Yeah, we just relax.

But if you have this sexual tension all night back and forth. And then I've got to wait for. for you to let the tit fall out my mistake I don't have that thing. Every broad does that. The shirt rolls off the shoulder and the titty pops out and then they start and then you say pop it out. I don't have time for that either.

Right off the bat, take off your pants. What are you talking about? Suck my dick. Let me eat your pussy. Now I don't know you're real. I don't know you're fucking real. It's like when you sell Coke to somebody, they just leave like Miami Vice. They buy a kilo and just leave. You know what? Before you take this keel, let me see you do fucking four fucking horse

horse blast. Not like Neil Simon in that movie. No, no. I'm talking to the kind way you need a fucking garden hose to get the only way I'm doing this. And you people think I'm fucking nuts. No, I'm not nuts. When I only got $60

and a half a gram of blow, I ain't taking a chance. It's like people who go, well, I heard that this place is a great restaurant. No, no, no, no, no. Hoy's walk is known and proven. We ain't taking a chance with your shit little Hindu restaurant. Because they got, no, we're going to go to fucking Hoy's walk where it's

$4.95. I got a soup. I got an egg roll. I got a fucking cheap, fucking fried and snack. I got an entree at white bread, and if you're lucky, the lady gives you a little fucking fortune cookie for $490 fucking five. I'm going to get a chance and go to this place because you like it or your friend. Fuck you. And your fucking friend.

We're going to this fucking lunch spot, and that's how it works out. That's it. Yeah. You know what I walk past a restaurant. There's a lot of people and I go, hey, it must be good. No, because how many, that's the law. Listen, we are fucking saps as humanity. How do you know if a team's going to lose? Ask 10 people.

Go up to 10 people. We've discussed. this before Jimmy Schumer. You know, it's hysterical. I used to work for a sports betting service, which I watched that movie for a little while yesterday, two for the money with Al Pacino. Yeah, yeah, Matthew McConaughey. Now, the company I worked for,

I work for Colorado Sports Advisors, but their main parent company was sports advisor something. And it was Mike Duffy and this other fucking Jewish guy who thought he was in the mafia. He threatened me one time. I told him to suck my dicks.

Too finer. So one of those guys left and stole the idea. made a script and sold it, and these guys tried to sell it, and they couldn't sell it. That's the only thing the problem with that movie was. They couldn't sell it. They got too many good-looking guys. Good-looking guys don't do that business. It's people who look evil. But when I work for those,

what's the point of fucking the story? I don't even know. But all I remember is I made a fucking big bowl with his fucking chili. You came over and watched Monday night football. We watched the Broncos, and I'm laying. You're calling the game, three plays fucking out. You were telling me about barking. You go, this motherfuckers. He goes, here's how

that way is. You called those two plays. He goes, this guy's running it in. He runs in, he gets in the freaking end. He goes, he's calling his own number. I mean, he was three plays ahead. I'm telling you. That's how sharp I used to be with sports, Betty. That's the truth.

I could look at it and tell you. This was at his old fucking house, spaghetti meatballs, followed by many other things and hiding in closet and me being late for basketball. That's what I lived in the studio city. I lived right down the corner here with the stripper. And I was shooting basketball, and I was coked up and we drank red wine.

And then we got there at six in the morning and they're like, today you shoot, you're the second scene up. And every day I would just go in there and sleep. This is the day I came and gacked up to the gills that I had to fucking shoot basketball. I didn't know my lines. They kept saying, step on your mark. I didn't know what a mark was. I didn't know what cut was. Nothing.

When they called me and they said, how do you want your name in the cut at the end of the movie? And I go, I made the movie. And they're like, yeah, you were great. I'm like, I was pale. Somebody put the picture up today. I know, you looked really young. Yeah, really young. Yeah, I remember that name, bro.

Oh, please. Yeah, I've done it. And what I was trying to say is, at the end of your pitch to people, once I called Jimmy Schubert, Pete Patello, Colorado Sports Advisors, Listen, we discussed this before. I'm going two for two tonight. I got the game in the total. You're a nickel better.

You're going to walk away with 25, $500. Do me a favor. Grab the credit card. What's the number? We're running out of time, Jimmy. At the end, I give you a mental earbeaten. If you make it all the way to the end, I always say to you, who are you betting?

Just for curiosity. What are you got tonight? They'd say, Steelers and the over. No matter what they'd tell you, you always said, listen, you're on the other side. One of your bets is wrong. And nine out of ten, they would tell me if eight out of ten people gave me Miami,

it was the other team that won. We're fucking morons, as a group. That's why I love when people tell me they went 4 and O when they did it. Because you can't every week. You have to be in a season, you're going to get six good picks.

You're just not going to know when to lay 10,000 on them. That's the magic. That's the secret. That's the guy who makes sure when you hit it. When you hit it, any fucking moron could pick, go six for eight in the football season.

Bet 20,000 a game, and you're still up, 130 for the year. Right? Dude, I know what you're saying. Do you understand me? So for you to bet every game, that's how you gamble. You gamble like a snake.

You only fucking come out, and you come right back, and you take your $10,000, and you go home. And then they're waiting for your call next week, but you ain't gambling. You ain't that stupid. You're going to wait for that field. Then you come again. That's the real fucking gambler. But at the end of the conversation, I would always go,

and the next day you would always lose at least one. If you lost two, I can't call you. I had a blackjack dealer in Reno, and I've been hanging out there all week and goofing off and backing the thing. And so I come out, and go, hey, what's up? And I throw out like $300 on the table, and I'm going $50, you know. And I'm winning. And he looks at me, and he goes, are you going to fuck around?

Are you going to gamble? And that was his way of saying, you ready? And dude, I started betting that shoe. I walked out of it with $18, fucking $100. fucking threw him 100 fucking tip but he said are you fucking afraid of gamble or he just looked at me. He was kind of, you're going to gamble, you're going to

fuck around and go no, it's gamble and I took that as let's go and dude I would have won't have won't have that shoe. Got fucking 1,800, walk the fuck out of there and that was the end of it but you're right never gave it back but I mean yeah you're going to gamble? You still go to catch a rising start there? No no that was many years

ago, yeah many many many. It's a fun place. Yeah but I I think I was I think it was big yeah no they don't go after a certain limit but they used to and old. I would go up there and make, I would double the salary. I would make more gambling the salary. First of all, the slot machines are from 1920. Jesus fucking handle those. You stand on there for 15 minutes, you win the

fucking jackpot. And then on Saturdays they'd have the money that spun around. Oh, yeah. And I'd go in there with the old coked-up lint sweater. You're attracting this shit like one of those... With the parachute pants, what are he pocketed on the year? I'd wear one of those jackets that Hasidic Jews wear, everything sticks to it,

pennies, fucking Lint, dollar bill. Those acidic jackets that are built like that. They're a magnet-bride thing. They're like the coins, diamonds. They call them the Heredi, by the way. That's what they called. I was over in Israel. They call those guys with the dark cats and the fucking big caps and the twirley things.

What's the name? The Tziti. They're called the Heredi. The heredi. Let me write that down. No, they're called the Heredi. They have like, I'm not kidding. They have like ten kids.

They have like they have huge families over in Israel. I'm not even joking. Yeah, they don't believe in birth control Yeah, it's the Harati bunch It's the name of the group You're like, no, but they did When you go to Israel, there's huge, there's like, you know I've never seen anything, they got families with 10 kids in them

They're all about like, you know It's amazing How you feeling, brother? You're okay? I'm good, I'm really super high You're not super high I want you to talk to me, what's the matter? You weren't the same when I came in here

You got something on your mind, what is it? What? You acted all fucking half-momoed up No, I've had a good day If Adrian had a son You'd be fucking Adrianian's son from Rocky. Look at you. You acted all. No, I'm just super fucking fucking hundred right now.

Do you miss this? Fucking six days. Miss what? I miss you, cut sucker. I miss you, buddy. You sit there at home like a fucking schmuck. Some guy came up to me and then. You please have to take it easy on Lee. I go call him.

He's been home since Friday, fucking morning. He hasn't left the house. I'm going to take it easy on him. He's 26. Where were you just at? I was in love with Nick over at fucking Cleveland. Tremendous. Oh, dude.

That's one of that fucking hamburger Lee, you would have gone crazy. You would have gone crazy. What did they have on it? The meat, it's like 90 restaurants in the country that get USDA meat direct from fucking the United States. Yeah. Like the cut to meat, they get her off the fucking chain. Like he was, she took me in the bag and goes, look at this.

The pink, the red. Oh, my God, Lee. You see like a Puerto Rican's pussy. I have like dark skin on the outside. If you look inside their hole, it's pink as dead. Oh, my Godly, this fucking meat is delicious. That whole club. I had an eight-ounce patty with no, because I wanted to taste the meat.

I thought you're still talking about pussy. They gave me the Roma tomatoes, Lee. We forget. We give up sunshine and warm weather, but we miss out on the taste of meat. We miss out on produce. That's really good because the produce that's grown in California is tremendous. We just don't get none of it.

That gets chipped to Florida and everywhere else. That's amazing. Tell them what happened for lunch with the Italian place. Oh, my God. I went to this fucking place, right? It was 16 below. Right. You know, it's fucking always cold in Cleveland.

So I go Thursday. When I get there, I get there Thursday afternoon. I go for a walk in a day, but it's like five degrees. I got to jump into a coffee shop. I got to joint my pocket. You know, I can't smoke in the room. So I take the coffee as fake, and I go behind the coffee shop. But the coffee shop's connected to an Italian restaurant.

I fucking dive. People in there, you know, all fucked up. I go, I smoke a joint back there. I put the half a joint in the window. You know, leave it for the mouse. Right. I roll another joint. Friday, which you can't eat your meat, I was already set.

I was going to go back to the hotel and have a piece of salmon. And I said, let me go for a walk, get my appetite smoking number. Well, I go behind the fucking, I get a coffee, and I go behind the thing, it's freezing. I go behind the spot, but when I walk past, I'm looking at the menu, and they got spicy, Sicilian-style, calamari and shrimp over pasta. Oh, that's good. I got it. I got it. Yeah, that sounds good.

That sounds delicious. So I go around behind the building, I'm smoking this fucking, this dube and all of something. The door's open up. And it's the kitchen managing the black cook. It's like, man, we could smell that shit inside. And the one guy looks and he goes, Joey Diaz, Godd death, close that door. What are you smoking? We start fucking smoking.

I go, listen, what's going on with that spicy puppy Sicilian? He goes, I'll make it special for you. I go, put it over whole wheat pasta, save the bread. Because he said me, he goes, I got some crispy fucking bread. I just got. Put some water on that mother thought. That's the best. I said, I gave up bread for lunch.

Just hit me with whole wheat pasta. And he threw me a tremendous salad. I bought them both beers. And I had this dish. How much? 16 bucks. 22. That's not bad.

Two beers and a fucking dish? I couldn't finish it. Yeah. I couldn't finish it. I had a cheat meat all the shrimp in the calamari. But think about that. It's unbelievable. How much that cost you here?

It costs you 12 just for the fucking beer here. Yeah. You were saying you went and got a sub and it was 20-something. What today? We went to whatever. We got 26 for two subs. A regular and a fucking footlong. That fucking Jersey mics on a cookie.

And two drinks was $26. And you got clams and shrimp and two beers. And two beers for 20 fucking two. This is what I'm talking about. This is what we give up by not living in the Midwest. We give up those, you know, going for the... It's like when you go to Houston, Texas, and you go eat Mexican food. Your head explodes and you get the check unless if you go to chewies or something.

You know, something, a tax max that Gentiles go to. But if you go to one of those... things on Kirby, one of those Mexican places, where they give you a cup with booze to open up with, the fucking plat is $6.99, and they give you nachos and a salad, and the guy comes all with the fucking violin and plays music, with the Mexican, with the green card.

You spent, that's why more people go out to dinner in Houston, Texas, anywhere else in the fucking country. Because for $40, the family eats. Yeah, that's great. Fucking family eats, you know. You got to think of that, that's shit. That's why I like, I mean, it's so funny, you live here, you operate here, but, you,

You know, you hit the road. You go to Minneapolis. You go out and you go, wow, it was cheap. It's like dirt cheap or whatever, wherever you're at. You're at. And you're like, oh, my God, I fucking get it. I fucking get it. You know, we got an interesting letter from some guy in a law school and the law.

And he was talking about, you know, to talk to Lee and his girlfriend. I never thought about how they regulate medical school in California, but they don't regulate law school. And they want Latinos and blacks. They encourage you. We don't give a fuck what you do. Get in there. And they fucking have. have all these lawyers.

Now they have an abundance of lawyers in LA, which what does it do? It brings the opening cars down. So instead of making $140 with the national averages for a guy out of law school, now they're making $60, $60,000 and they're fighting for their lives, a bunch of barriculars.

It's like trying to sell weed in California being the lawyer. Yeah. You know? I mean, that's what's kept half of them alive. At $200 a pop, go into a lawyer, open up, look at the fucking licensing and shit like that. I mean, if I was a lawyer, I'd hustle.

You got a hustle. You've got to hustle. You've got to get out there. and you got to do what you got to do. Especially when you're getting started. You know, all the time, you know, you develop your reputation. Cases will come to you.

But, I mean, you're right. You got to hustle out there. There's too many guys. I mean, that's why the world's so fuck because it's run by lawyers. And lawyers make these fucking laws and have, you know, the litigation, you know,

in this country is fucking ridiculous because the lawyer lobby is so fucking powerful. I mean, then the guy's wrong from the country. Imagine charging $400 an hour or $500 an hour. That's what they fucking charge. They get on the phone. That's a hundred-dollar phone call. They charge you for 15 fucking minutes.

Yeah. Buck in a quarter. Buck in a fucking quarter a phone call, dog. For what? Fuck sports phone. See, you motherfucking youth don't remember sports phone. You get your bill and there was $2,000 in the sports phone or a dime a call. How much was it a call?

49 cents a call. Yeah. And you'd be staying up all night to see if Hawaii won. Man, we need Hawaii to come through. That's the last game, motherfucker. We get Hawaii and we go buy an eight ball. How's that? We'll leave it to life.

What's up, Lysayette? What's going to? What's going on? What plans you got for the week? What's going on with you? You're sitting there like a fucking struits. Even though I love you. What's happening? I don't got any plans. I mean, we're doing this again this week. Okay. And that's it. What are you doing with Mama this week? I know. No, she's going to Vegas with her cousin.

To see what? For her cousin's birthday. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm not going, though. Fuck no. How'd you get out of that? They asked you, didn't he? Uh-huh. Oh, sure. They want to ask Daddy Warbucks to come and jump up and down with them. You said, fuck that. I'm a man's man

I can't go to Vegas right now No I'm gonna have to share a room with two broads What am I crazy I go to Vegas is to get my dick sucked And my balls lick like Biggie Right or wrong Who goes to Vegas with two broads To share a whole tarum unless you're in the middle

I'm learning Like this like this fucking knobbing Wap and spit with the other one Like a doctor But you can't do that with Mexican chicks To have a fucking heart attack Nobody will bring that cousin You know what I'm saying

But that's good How'd you get out of it? What did you tell it? I just, it's her cousin's birth. They didn't want to interrupt. I don't know. They're going to a couple shows. They're going to go eat. They're only there for like a couple days.

They're just, it's a quick trip. I don't want to be in the room with her cousin and, like, wanting, like, that we couldn't do anything. It's just them too. Oh, yeah. You're learning.

No, you ain't covering. No. It's pretty good to go over there. Be the fucking odd man. Plus, I just like to gamble and I just, I got to want to gamble. Yeah, they got to do this and go to circuses and shit. You ain't got time to see a line.

Yeah. You're just like to gamble. You're going to be footing out the bill. Yeah. Fuck that shit. They're going to go to clubs. It's crazy. I would never wait in line for a club.

Don't worry about nothing. Hopefully, fucking, something will happen. They'll never go back again. Hopefully, Paul O'clock you at 2 in the morning and say, I'll never come back to this again. That's how you left. Oh, you will. That'll happen.

Yeah, you go to Vegas, and yeah. Vegas isn't for everybody, but everybody thinks they belong at least once or twice. No, I did Vegas right back when the fucking dunes was still fucking standing, and you're out there and you got the fucking Sam and the Outwall. there. They hold you over for a third week because you're selling on every show. You're going to the Olympic Guards every night, hanging in there

walking there where Billy Adol, a white wedding, all the sneaking comes around and you get moved to the VIP room. What's the Olympic gardener? Is that the big, big, big one? I don't even know. No, no, that's the one. I mean, that's... Is that still there? Yeah, it's still there. But that's probably the last time I went to a strip club. You're in there and

come in at 4 o'clock in the morning. Hey, there she is. You know, dude, back in the day it was crazy. But I'm just saying, Yeah, I've done Vegas. Now I go to Vegas, and I let Eleanor Kerrigan and Steve Simone drag me to church on Sunday going, all right, and then the priest comes out like Elvis. That's a fucking crazy.

Dude, they got a full side. Dude, when I went to Vegas, when I did bick from yoga for four days in a row like a fucking nutbag, just to get away from fucking people, just not to get out there, I'm telling you. I was trying to, you know, anything but go hang out with, you know, the masses. Do you know, I probably have not been in the strip club? I am 52. It's been years. I'm going to be honest if you guys.

Last time I walked into a strip club, it's probably 99 in Cleveland. At the Improv Across, they give you passes to go get free lunch, and you're going to have a prime rib, and you're eating this fucking prime rib that looks like that fucking pink meat. Who the fuck wants to eat when some chick is dancing with flapjack tetties? I think I went in there one time,

and then in 98 I went to fucking Toronto, And that was the last time I went AWOL in the strip club That I had to go back to the club and get a draw and go back Oh, really? Yeah, there was a chick that was letting me bite her pubic hair And lick her clit and shit She was beautiful And every time she'd come to me

I just wanted a test, I'd bite her fucking pubicare And then one time I just tongued her clit And she left it there I said, how only are you to be here till two I'm coming right back A box of tic tic Tacs and a pocket full of cash I came back and I ran over there I was like 400 pounds.

I ran to that Hollywood land. Boris, the magician. That's when Boris had the fucking club with his Jew fucking cousins and shit. You had to sleep at the cousin's house in the basement. And he drove hookers around. He'd wake you up and four in the morning. I got one that got hit by a car. She's running a disc guy.

She'll suck your dick, but she's bleeding. You guys think I'm fucking kidding you. You guys, think I'm fucking kidding you. Fucking Boris's cousin. Listen, you went to Toronto and you had to stay there. They were fucking Jews till the end, Lee. Lee, they refused to pay for a hotel room. Three comics had said, we're leaving.

So the one week at the one club in Toronto, you slept on top of the bar in a two-man fucking apartment with a key on your door and shit, and they gave you towels. They refused to play for a hotel. They refused. Then when you went to the other club, like an hour from Toronto,

you slept at the aunt's house and the business. basement but the cousin was retarded he was half retarded but he drove hookers Thursdays and Saturday nights this is crazy and he would knock on your door listen I got one that says you'll suck your dick for half pride it was always a story and you're like

listen I'm only getting fucking 500 for the week I gotta get back over the border you weren't making any money that's why the guy hired you he hired MC he hired MC slash features the headline this is a nightmare but the one night the guy brought a stripper in that got beat the fuck up the guy ran a wound with a car.

She didn't want to go to the hospital. And he's like, you know, she'll suck your dick. She just needs fucking money to get bandages. I'm like, are you fucking... What did you need bandages for? The guy... The guy beat her up and ran over over. Dude, that's horrible.

It was horrible. It's horrible. They were fired at it. And he was retarded, so he didn't even know what to do. He's like, I don't know what to do. Do I go to a pharmacy? She had been beat up, and this chick still wanted to suck dick. She looked like fucking gladiated after one of those beatings,

and she still wanted to suck my dick for the small 20. Like she wanted 60 for the night. It was a fucking nightmare. And I remember telling me. Is Toronto, huh? Yeah, he kept telling me. Is it a gig still there? No.

Boris had a locked door. Nobody goes to that shit. He was booking fucking slash MC features the headline. You know, he fired Danny Kelly. Fire him. He fired Danny Kelly. He fired a couple people, a couple people quit, because the money was 600 a week.

Two weeks to headline. He kept you for two weeks. I used to do this coconuts gigs down in Florida. It was 125 a night. And you had to seat the fucking people. Yeah, yeah. You had to seat the people. You say, hey, come on.

I'm like me. And I believe me, I just, you know. What's up? Lee, look at you. Looking at the fucking screen, like, you know. Yeah. Look at us when we talk, cuck, sucker. I am.

You're not high. Well, you're not high at all. You're the fucking master of a disaster. I've been telling you that for fucking years. You're, you don't give yourself enough credit. That's why I fucking get pissed off of you. Who gives a fuck. Yeah, it's some crazy.

That's the last. time I lost my mind in the strip club. But the best, one time when I was living in Boulder, Kathy's mother, Kathy, my ex-wife, the one who hates me, I was living with her sister and her husband. I was renting out the downstairs. And my wife calls, at the time she was my girlfriend, she calls me at like 9-30, and she goes, hey man, your friends just called you, Sabatino and Tommy Rousse on this other guy. They flew into Denver Stapleton on a fuck. fucking two day. They left Jersey,

went to Vegas. And in Vegas, they got coked up and they said, we're out here. We might as well go see Coco. And these guys had loot.

Danny Bianculo! Danny Benculo was one of those guys. Danny calls him to the podcast. And I take a fucking cab. I call them. I call them back at the airport. They're at the fucking airport.

I got to pay for them. They're like, where are you? They go, take a cab. We'll pay for it. We'll meet you at the airport. I get to the airport.

They left. They left like two in a house with a fucking guy waiting for me. The guy wait. They gave him like 500 to wait for me and they give me two. With a note, go to shotgun and willies. We go to shotgun and willies. They're in there. They got a whole table

control. They're in there throwing hundreds. They each got an ounce of blowing them. I'm not fucking kidding you. I go, listen guys, I need a bump. We go back to the hotel room. They give me a few fucking bumps. We go back to shotgun willies. I ate somebody's ass. Somebody sucked my dick. It was horrible. We went back to the hotel room. We got so paranoid. We hit the

the coke and the tissue paper things and the wall. Then the next morning they all got up And they're like, Coach, we're leaving. Like they got out, you know, like when you wake up in your reality, they were in Denda after sleeping 12 hours, they were in Dendenten. They're like, how do we get to Dendent? Like, we're going home. I go, you want

the blood? Like, no, keep it. I go into it's like an ounce and three quarters. I call my wife, I can listen, I got an ounce in three quarters. Come get me. This is before I got locked up. This is 86, the beginning of 87. I call her up.

They leave me like 200 bucks, these guys. I call her up. I go, can you meet me? I'm taking a cab to a cheap hotel. I take the cab to a cheap hotel. I call up. She goes, I can't meet you. I can't go out there.

But save some of the Coke. We'll sell it. I had no money at the time, guys. At an ounce and three quarters, they left me one rock with a little bit of powder. They were like, this is the tail end of a kilo we bought two weeks ago. Like, these guys were crazy. Wow.

Yeah. They give me the guy. I check into this hotel, but I'm getting paranoid. I'm looking out the window, and I see that every 10 minutes a car pulls in, and then another car pulls in, another car pulls in. So now I'm getting paranoid. So I take a gallon of water, and I take one of the Coke rocks, and I throw it in there to see how long it takes the rocks to dissolve.

Now I'm hearing drills, and I'm hearing saws. Oh, shit. So in my mind, they're coming through the ceiling. So I start fucking snort like there's no tomorrow. Lee, I'm doing bumps to some. I'm in the back room. I'm from my hands and knees doing coke. it's all over the bathroom floor.

Finally I got like an ounce left and I dump it down the fucking toilet and flush it. I start doing the coke that's around. I look out to eight, four hours there, I look at the window, it's an ATM machine. Like a bank with the people that go to make deposits. I thought it was the FBI switching cars on me.

Now I'm in front of the toilet. For six hours, it was a little yellow spots where the coke had just flushed and stick to the side. I was heading my hand in the toilet and I would take these things and put them in my nose. But then there was a gallon of water that I had thrown a Coke rock in. Now I'm down, I'm jerking off.

You know, it's 12 hours later. You start drinking that water? I forgot all about it. I started drinking the water. I lost my voice. I couldn't talk until it's like, like, p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pam. Oh, my God. It's like Mickey Mouse.

And my girlfriend's called me. What happened to the blow? I'm... Let me get some shout-outs. We get the fuck out of it. A couple minutes there. Jesus, man. Oh, my God.

True stories, bro. Radcliff Yates. Cody Lerner, I love you, cocksucker. Rory Oliver, Jamil Haddad, Joe Varell. Don't make me find out your ISIS, Jamil. Han Cuba, Justin Seeley,

Greg and Lynn, I love you up there, I'm thinking about you. And listen, somebody in Indianapolis gave me a great fucking picture of Oscar Robertson. Black and white, authenticize his autograph, fucking, I mean, just a picture. I got to get a framed

and put it in the office. You didn't put it a, card in there with your name. Can you please hit me up on Facebook or on Gmail and talk to me and there's something in there that you put in there so only you'll know. So please get back to me my brother. It was a beautiful fucking present.

Don't forget I'm at the Sacramento Punch Line this Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Thursday, March 19th, I need you guys to put your VCR tell you grandmother, your priest, everybody to turn on Comedy Central this is not happening. We need the fucking numbers, Coxuck. It's me and Ari alone, all right?

Oh, nice. And you're aware this weekend? I'm in Minneapolis, bro. Minneapolis. The house of fucking comedy there in the Mall of America, a tremendous hotel. At that restaurant, they have the best

mushroom barley cream soup that you will ever fucking have in life. Dude, the Isabuco there, that little joint, that little joint, right in the bottom of the hotel.

It's fucking great. Tremendous. And when you come back, if you tell them what you want, at 8 o'clock, I'm going to come back in 12. Have it ready for me. The guy don't have it.

I still got their cards. One of them, bartenders there opened up his own place and he goes when you come back I'm taking you up there and Anthony Spina left me a message this week, beautiful man that he is because I kept calling him he's somewhere in fucking Beirut

walking the hills. You know these people go to a fucking other country and they walk and they turn their cell phone off here and I'm trying to call him and I couldn't get him and he finally sent me an email so he heard the podcast he sent us his love so a shout out to my man Anthony Smith these mushrooms hitting you Oh yeah I got the tail in I got the giggles

and shit let's turn off the light and put on animals, Lee. What do you think? And we'll sing. We'll put on some Pink Floyd. What do you think? Just to see how it feels, Lee.

You never did mushroom. I'm down. Go ahead. Put on Pink Floyd dogs. Dogs? Sure. You want to see if we can do it live and we can put it on TV?

I'll do whatever you want to do. If you can put on the TV, that even better. Show these fucking people, which are all about, Lisa. You know, when you tell these stories, and the other time I lost my mind, I was at the fucking halfway house, Jimmy Schuber.

This was my second time here. You know, you tell me. me those stories, bro, and I cringe. I mean, you just talk about, I mean, I've been in, I mean, I'm so glad I haven't done it in a number of years, but I mean I know that feeling where you're just, oh, you just got to

go to fucking bed, dude, get some sleep, walk it off. Crazy shit, but man, that's stories, bro. I just, I cringe. I personally cringe, because you just remind me. I'm in the halfway house. I'm a month away from getting married, and I'm selling blow with two hands

at the half. What's the name in the band? Pink Floyd, you fuck. Dogs. I'm selling blow at the halfway house. Everybody gets paid on Friday. Now, I'm at this, before you put dogs on, Lee, I am, you know, I go to prison. I get out guys. And when you go to prison, you learn all these fucking scams.

And I got out and I ran them all. But the main moneymaker, I was selling blow to get married. But the main money maker, I was, don't put it on you. I'm not. The main money maker was loan sharking to the invix. Because you had to pay your rent. That's how they got you. You had to pay your rent.

on Thursday nobody gets paid till Friday so if you didn't pay rent on Thursday you couldn't go out for the weekend so they borrow the rent pay the rent on Friday comes so they would have to pay the rent two weeks in advance they didn't make that type of money to go out those two weeks and then get a road going you couldn't leave the house unless you paid the rent so I would go up to them and say listen 75 dollars I give you 75 for 104 till Friday and they all went for it nobody ever gave me a hard time for 104.

For 104 on Friday, so I'll pay the rent for you. The juice. I'm going to give it to you the three points over to Vick because I had dirty, 40 fucking guys. Plus, I had guys borrowing a nickel for $750.

God. 10 payment to $75. I was just, you know, I was buying stolen stuff. I was getting Rolex watches. This is in halfway. I'm in that BC, T, C, and Bold, and I'm running this fucking,

I'm running, I'm putting coke in the ceiling and with a scale. And I remember one day the council was in, And the bag went everywhere. There was little Coke rocks all over the carpeting. And she's like, what's going on with your ceiling? And where they're dying? If she picks up one of these things and tastes it, she's going to go fucking bananas.

But why would somebody normal pick up something white and taste it? But I'm half the halfway house. I got out of prison in February. It's March, April, May, June, July. I got them all conned. They got me on level four, which means I could come in at midnight. I could drive. and I don't have to tell them I am every hour

and I got weekend furloughs and they call the house where I'm furlough and then they test me for alcohol and drugs when I come back. I got them conned. I'm probably making six, seven, eight grand selling Mitsubishi eclipses and I'm probably making another five or six

slinging coke and half the coke I was stealing. And this isn't a halfway. This isn't the half of a house. You haven't even been fully integrated into society. No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm driving. You know, I'm doing the whole, I would wake up in the morning,

I would have run two miles. That's how I got presidus in my heels. I come back, I change. I go to the harvest. I get a Swiss granola and the harvest iced tea, and I drive to 104th in Thornton. That was my day. Bam.

And I'd be there the best fucking sale, and then I'd go home, and I'd wear out Coke, and I had people waiting for me, and I'd have my... And then again, if half a gram was 50, they're in prison.

They know that you have to pay. So I would charge $10 for the Coke extra. You want to front it? That's good, but that's 60. No problem, bro. Give me three grams. They would pay because they just wanted to have it. it. And one night I got like a fucking half ounce.

And I didn't have to be back till midnight. It's 10 o'clock. I go to 110, 14, Thornton, but I go to one of those places where it's, no, you bring your own booze. But they're completely naked. I hook up with a Korean girl. I got a couple of lap dances. The next thing in there I go, you do blows. She's doing lines. Oh, my God. After that, I'm eating her ass. Soy sauce sauce everywhere. I sucked her pussy fucking dry. She had fake tits. She had blonde hair like streaks. I tore this fucking Chinese chick up to pieces, man. I remember jerking off the whole drive home.

Like the pussy was so good, you're just jerking off all over my suit. I was coming on my shirt and wiping it and tucking the back of my pants. That's how good the pussy was. I was hit the time. I gave her all the coke. I went home with Bunny Rabbit ears. I gave her all the Coke. All I had left were...

Bunny Rabbit ears? Oh, yeah. Both pockets were empty. She sucked me dry. That ain't motherfucker. I sucked up fucking Korean pussy. for fucking an hour. I got back to the halfway house at 5-2.

I remember pulling up and all the invix in the windows jumping up and down. Because you made it back. And I had coke on the trunk. And I remember they were always searching. I'd bring the coke in like nothing. This is just a different fucking world, man. And now, look at this.

Now we're fucking legit people. Hit it, Lee. Put it. Let me go up to the guitar solo. Go like to a minute. You want to hit the lights? No, no. Go to the minute there.

We just want to see what you got. Okay. So, great story, by the way, man. Fucking tremendous shit. You sit there. You get goosebumps. Yeah, we're still on the right side of the grass. We're through all that shit.

You know what? Fuck. Kick it up. Speed it up, Lee. A little more. A little more. A little more. A little more.

A little more. A little more. Right there. This is the whole fucking fatwa. Kick that shit. Lee, don't cover your mouth. It looks like a three-year-old. I'm not coming.

I'm doing it. That fucking guitar Oh shit! Oh shit! Is there a camera on the fucking screen? Yeah. Oh shit. It's not even moving.

Nothing's happening. That's the cover of that fucking album. Look at the pig flying over the fucking shoots. It looks like Cleveland. Look at that fucking place. Break out one of those cookies. I got one over here. Let's eat some fucking cookies.

Let's see the devil. If we're going to go deep, let's go fucking deep. over. It's Monday night here. Los Angeles. The fucking church. We're making it happen, cock suckers. Look at Lee. This is like a pilot. He's about to land the fucking plane and the Hudson River. Look at him. It was David Gilmore's birthday maybe

three or four days ago. The guy that's playing a guitar on this. This to me is one of the best fucking solos. I could feel his fucking soul. Kick it up, Lee. Kick it up. Kick it up. Kick it up. You're killing me. Oh shit, Lee. I just wanted you to know, motherfucker I feel those mushrooms

fucking let me know I still got another one, guys you can't walk on one leg, you know Can't fly on one with me Fuck it Ain't nobody doing nothing to mom Lee, you ain't cuck sucker No

Sure you are No way about nothing Here we go Lee Ain't another mushroom Sure Are you fucking kidding me Or what Now we were really really

Tripping right now Like heavy-duty acid tripping Yeah You're done This is sucking you in. And his first line right there, when you fucking feel it, it's all over. Like, you head is fucking scrambled dyes after this.

Listen to the line. You hear that bass drum at your heartbeat. Tremendous. Yeah. Fucking tremendous. They must have fucking say after that cock suckers. Thank you for coming out to the church. Jimmy Schubert, you're at Minneapolis this week?

Yeah, Minneapolis is the Mall of America, man. And the next week, for you know? I'm going to do with a madhouse in San Diego. I like going down to do that club. and then I'm going to be, then I'm hitting Vegas. I'm doing Brad Garrett's room. And then I'm closing off with the new hour. I'm going to be doing at Flappers in Burbank there on the second, third,

the third and fourth of April. Yeah. You have a shout out here to get some people down. Oh, man, are you kidding? Dude, I'd love it, Joey. It's great seeing you again, man. Thanks for having me on, dude. Get a little crazy.

It was a little unorthodox tonight, but fuck it. That's why you can hang out with us. Now you can watch fucking eyewitness news with Diane. What's up with you, Lisa? What do you got crack-a-lackin? I'm really fucked up. Good, good. That's what they want you.

That's all I got crack-a-lacking right now. I'm happy you fucking did this to know. I'm happy everything is all right. That's pretty cool. It's just you and Ari on that show. Yeah, it's very good. And it'll be interesting to see what they kept in because I was there when they were. When is that again, Joe?

When's that show on? Next Thursday is this is not happening. It's a season finale. So it's just two of us. And I tell a story about this lady who took care of me after my mother died. It's weird how you go to these parties and people tell you. your friends and when you die I'll see people that I know

mutual and they won't even bring shit up and I'm waiting for them to go hey I remember it's like when you see Carl above do you have a drink I mean with Carl you bump into me tells you a different fucking story but it's like when you bump into Lenny Clark yeah after about 10 minutes I remember that time in Chicago we're opening off for Sam

so what was I talking about Lane? I'm not sure I mean what was I talking about you were talking about you're bumping the guys get their stories I don't know. Me neither. I'll find me.

That's shit. But, oh, this is not happening. And, uh, you know, I'll tell you that they were good friends. But, you know, besides that, some people you'll see and they won't mention Sam. And you know they were tight with Sam.

At the end of the night, you'll go back to your room and go, that was weird. Like, he doesn't exist. I'm the type of guy. If I had a good friend, I honor that person. Oh, man, are you kidding me, dude? Let me tell you something. He put so many cool moments in my life.

And I go, you know, it was a lifetime ago, man. He's been dead 23 years. But man, it was a great time in my life. I don't, man, I look, I looked at. You learned about comedy from the fucking best. And you're doing it at the fucking top of your game, and you're going to buy you're touring through America, and you get the outlaws of comedy, and you're living this. Dude, it was amazing.

And they get from there to here and finally figure it out for myself and it started to be doing that. You know, it's just, it's a long journey, but it's worth every step of it. And it's a, you know, it's a, I believe I found myself thanking God every day that, you know, you're still still doing it, man. still doing it but it's funny how I this lady was a friend of my mom's who my mom helped out in 1950 when my mom died in 1979 this lady made a promise to my mom that she was going to take care of me and she took care of me for six fucking years pretty much you know from 79 to 84 she gave me 200 a week and it became something after like three years I would just say give me

an eight ball of coke I'll sell it because she sold coke on 113th and fifth avenue and she was a great lady and I love her and I fucked that. they're up at the end and I always, it was a guilt thing for me, that's why I told the story. So, you know, Ari does do a storyteller shows. Hopefully this is the second season will get you on. I'm sure you're going to great. I love I. Ari's doing great. They got the

fucking billboard. Lee, what's up, wake up? Snap out of it. Oh, sucker. Look at the shape of you. Yeah. I love you guys. We'll see you Wednesday or tomorrow night or whatever the fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. That's how stoned I am on the mushrooms. I forgot to talk about my favorite motherfucking people in the world.

My sponsors. Let's open up with fucking honor. Okay, for example, today, I had it. Today's my upper body, but today I wanted to try Shroom Tech. So I said, I'm going to see how I feel. This guy doesn't really want, he wants you to do cardio opposite your weightlifting schedule. So if you look at the daytime, he wants you to do cardio at night opposite, two times a week by itself. If you have a fucked up schedule, he doesn't mind if you do the cardio after your workout.

So today's a heavy work. I have to do heavy benches. I did benches for, like, sets of four. and five. I got a spotter. Then I did a close grip bench presses. Then I did fucking bent over rows heavy with 135 just because I'm an older guy. For me, that's fucking heavy. But you have to do five sets of six and I added five pounds and ten pounds. And then you have to do pull downs. You have to do shrugs. You have to do upright rows. You have to do curls and trisip extension. Then you do a bunch of sit-ups. That's a big day. Yeah, I put a big day. I took a 15-pound weight and just did a bunch of fucking sit-ups. And then after that, I said, fuck, I might as well do the fucking cardio thing. I did 40 minutes.

I burnt a lot. Dogged that fucking thing. 20 minutes I had burned 250 fucking calories, doing 20 seconds flying, and I reached all the way to 10. The 10.1. 10.1 speed. Like, you know, you go like, I don't look at the speed. I went all the way up to the top, and then back to you,

so you do 20 seconds and all you can, then 40 seconds of 3.2 or whatever. Yeah, I got to make myself do that shit on the road all the time. But I did it with Shroom Tech. Oh, yeah. That Shroom Tech from fucking. And on it gave me some tremendous, you know, when I left there after 40 minutes, I can be honest with you guys. Today, I'm not sure. And I walked home.

I walked there and back, and I still had some energy. Shroom tech's a fucking tank. You know, take it from me. I got no fucking car to you at all. Dude, I take the whole package. Yeah. I love that product. That's a great fucking problem.

You know what? I'm a comedian on the road. They make these packets. They make the day packet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're a little primary care. I'm a primary care. Dude, I'm telling you, man, that stuff is great.

You feel fucking good. And when you're flying and you're moving around a lot, you usually you lose minerals. when you fly, there's radiation on the planes. They got some good shit. Go to honor.com right now, save 10% open up at the alpha brain, open up at the primal care package. Do what the fuck you want.

Get 10% off. Use the code word church. There you go. C.H. You are C.H. In case you're fucking stupid. I need for you to get the 10% off. Also, they got to stay on a program where they mail it directly to your house.

No offense if you are fucking a momo. Iron Dragon TV for all you martial arts enthusiasts. martial arts movies so they don't take offense to that who gives a fuck where they take offense this is the church to what's happening

that's right bro you can't take a joke take a shot or remember Jesus was a Jew anyway and he made it come back in three days

you called me that we talked early and then you called me back at like 10 and as soon as I picked up I went hey buddy and you went remember Jesus was a Jew

and then you just said it it was like a 30 minute 30 second conversation and you just hung up sure these people forget everybody thinks Jesus was a Catholic there's no fucking way

they said that to you make us feel guilty. We work from strength. The church of what's happening and now works from strength. Jesus was a Jew. They killed them because he kept winning at poker. Okay.

And then they took him down. They killed them. He made a comeback in three days. He would have made him in two, but they broke his foot. And that's the only reason he could push the fucking rock. And then what he'd do? He came back and he disappeared.

That's a Jew, though. Catholics don't they sit around. They go to church on the center. They eat the cookie. They feel fucking. Let's crack open that peanut butter. Go ahead, man. No, no, no, no.

You want to eat a cookie, Lee? You know, wait, I want to play something out. Well, you know that you're too high when Joe E. is going to no, no, no, no. I don't want to have to open that one. I want to take it out of the road. I got one here. Yeah.

I got a bag of Anarchy shit right here. I know you do. I got an Anarchy peanut butter fucking cookie that'll fucking kill you. You understand me? Anarchy is fucking rocking and rolling. There's 140 milligrams of animal T. T.C. We split this three ways.

Oh, no. I was talking to some guy last night. He said he had one of those hard. candies that were like five milligrams each and I was like five milligrams and I was like if that does anything to you

nothing to you what's going on with what's It's like the animal Joe Rogan gave you nothing happened to you Yeah they were a little light Nothing nothing you want to do this last mushroom Tattler? No way think

What do you think Lisa we cut this three ways Just out of respect I'm cool right now thinking Wait what do you mean you're cool What do you got to do tomorrow? Huh I don't know you guys Iron Dragon TV

Listen UFC's great Bellator is great, but sometimes you want to see the origins of this shit. Go to Iron Dragon TV. They're a Roku channel. Tremendous fucking movie streaming at all times, the Jet League. I mean, we could sit here for fucking hours and tell us what they got. You know what?

Forget that shit. Go take a look for yourself. Why are you fucking around? You want to get into classic martial arts. You've been thinking about it. You don't know where to start. You're like going to Chinatown, but you're scared. This is where you start.

Iron Dragon TV. They fully don't fuck around. Plus, he's giving you two movies off the cup for free. We've got an earthquake here. What's the code over there? Joey. Joey, get two free fucking movies from Lion Dragon TV today.

It starts today. Right now, go get two fucking movies. Take a look at what they got. They got all types of little martial arts movies, current stuff, old stuff, classic stuff. You're wasting your fucking time on the other shit watching dumb fucking movies like that this guy recommended. I didn't recommend it. I didn't recommend it.

You get me a chef who does martial arts that I can watch it on that network. Even that. Listen, martial arts could help that fucking movie. If they were to kill the chick and and took a fucking pit out. He couldn't save that sea with a martial arts fight. Yeah. Nailed their life.com for all your vapor and oil

needs. They got the best vapor pen in the fucking market. They're great guys. Lifetime guarantee just if you mentioned the church. Go there right now and put one in the box. And get 20% off your first order. Oh, why are we even talking shit? Hit these things. The best fucking fucking electronic cigar out there right now.

Hands fucking down. You know why? Because you get 1,200 fucking pups for $16 fucking dollars. You go to 7-11, you're going to buy nine, you're going to pay $9 and you're going to get three pucks and there's going to taste like a fucking yams foot. It's going to taste like a little fucking dough cheese. Get the fuck out of it.

You're going to drag you a fucking eggs. You're going to go out of a cigar. You're going to 36.com right now. This is the best. They got 0,8, 16, and 24 milligrams. And they also have a cigar to the Iraqi fucking world. You go to Atlantic City and give everybody cancer.

do what the fuck. I don't give a fuck. Here these things. com. What's the code? Joey's church. Get 20% off your first daughter, you dirty cuck, suckers.

And that's because I love you. Where are you going to be? We're going to be. Sacramento. And don't forget, this is not happening. And Jimmy Schubert's going to be where? The House of fucking Cards in Minneapolis. At the House of Comedy.

The House of Comedy. On the Level 4 of the Mall of America. They only call that Marl-Somalian. They go that fucking first floor. Or so I like to call it soft a lot. soft target. They're going to blow that place up. Wait till the week after I'm there.

I got to go in October. I was just there. My wife's going to tell me she wants to go. You listen, it's off. That's the first place. ICE is targeted. Yeah. They're going to take over the mall.

Bruce Willis is too fucking old. He can't save us. Paul Blanche coming out with Monkop too. He'll be busy at the premiere. Let me tell you some of that movie bombs. I don't even want to know what's going to happen. That's going to be ugly, poor fucking. Kevin James. Poor Kevin James.

I love him like a brother. But he's got to do more shit. He's going to be doing a podcast and stand-up. Dude, I got to tell you that the MMA movie he did. I saw that in the theater. I fucking love that. I love that. I thought that was a...

You know what it was like... With Fonzie. Yeah, it was like a freaking... I swear to God, it was like a kind of an M.M.A. Rocky kind of thing. Oh, by the way, if you got $200,000, Mayhem's in jail. Oh. He needs bail money again.

Yeah, they're not going to let him out this time. Poor fucking Mayhem. He just started a pretty fucking good podcast, too. Episode one and two. Episode one, I listen to half of it. He's fucking great. That was a great podcast. He has his own podcast now?

Yeah, I think he has one episode. But it's the best podcast you've ever heard. He only has one, but he just listens to it over and over again. No, I listen to 20 minutes. He's fucking, he's crazy. I've seen him around twice, and he was very nice. He wasn't rude or anything, but he was just talking about how he didn't have his wallet, but someone would buy him a drink, and I want to drink with you.

And it was just, it was just, Like that girl, that waitress that you like to torture. Uh-uh, Katie. Those are the two people that have seen get the drunken, but still somehow he was standing up and talking. And I just, it's sad because he was pretty big right when I started getting into UFC. No, he was a good guy. Anyway, hitty-six.com. Put in 20% off and put it. Joey's church.

Joey's church and get 20% off. Nailed it life. Put in. Joey Diaz. And get 20% off. Iron Dragon TV put in. Joey. And get two free movies. And on the dot com, press in.

Church. And besides that, I love you, cock suckers. Thank you for taking the ride with us tonight. It's a special Monday, an edition. Next Monday, we're coming early with Irish Afia. And we're also doing mushrooms that Monday morning. Oh, again? In the morning.

Do you still have that much? I've got a new bat sent in from fucking Bulgaria or some shit. Don't worry about none. Stop with the questions. I like your little fucking glasses. Yeah, you like these brothers. Throw those away, please. No.

That's the way. Last time I saw somebody with a little. slash with Robin Williams. You took them off him in the casket. Come on, bro. Dude, I get these fucking... I leave these fucking things everywhere. They break their fucking crack.

I was like eight bucks over eBay. You stole those from fucking Robin Williams. And you left them a little rope and shit. No, I get... No, who I got these off of... Who was the guy? Drew Carey. I got these in Drew Carrey Garage.

I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great week. Thank you, Jimmy Schubert. Thank you, Joe Diaz. I love you, too, brother. Love you guys. Thank you, Lisa.

Thank you, buddy. I don't think we need to do the ads again. Yes, you do, guys. Play some music while, man. Fuck. What are we going to end? Oh, I know. It's up here.

Oh, Jesus Christ. You forgot already. This is why I got to deal with, ladies and gentlemen. I have two computers now. I know. Oh, shit. I can't take it over.