The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #265 - Bret Ernst, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: March 17, 2015

Bret Ernst, Comedian, and host of the Bret Ernst Show, Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio This podcast is brought to you by:  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  Just Be Good To Me - S.O.S Band I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet You're The One For Me - D Train Recorded on 03/16/2015

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Yes. So did those three kids in Florida and died swimming. So what's your point? Why don't you do the bass salts and then eat everybody's face awfully? I'm sure that's next. I don't know what I'm going to do with him. Go to Iron Dragon TV.com. And use Cobur Joey to get two free rentals of all their great martial arts movies.

They also have a whole bunch of on it videos on there. It's a brand new Roku channel. If you think this is funny, wait until the end of the show. And go to Nailed ItLife.com. Speaking of Los Goumish-Moranos, when you go to Nailed ItLife.com, he's called with Joey Diaz to get 20% off the premier vapor pen on the market for all the oil and wax smoke. smokers out there. It's code word Joey D as it nailed at life.com. Oh shit. It's Monday, March 16th, you bad motherfuckers.

The day before St. Patty's Day, here you go. A little something for the Black Irish out there making it happen deep. A little something from 80 fucking three. Fucking great song. Dirty, fucking 40 years. Some fucking shit. Little SOS man for you, motherfuckers. If you're black, take notes. Take the Drake. Fucking DPP and throw it out the window.

This is what black people fucking started right here. Oh shit, Lee. The church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. Tell the devil to suck your dick. It's on fire tonight. What? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, back that motherfucker Lee.

Oh shit. Bam, boom. Oh. Stop. Suck it. Lick it. Look it. Oh shit.

Oh shit. It's that time. Just be good to me. Look at the fucking stars of death waiting on you cock suckers. Tell me I am crazy. Lee, get that music, cock sucker. I'm ready to time with you. Oh shit.

You'll never be mine. Oh shit. There you go. That's not the way I see it. Oh shit Oh shit This is a shit This is tremendous

Whenever you're with me Just people are always talking about Oh shit Hey Lee My reputation Get it Lee Oh he's moving With his shook nightshed

I don't care What to do Just be good to me Oh shit Things are always telling me This one's definitely I'm a fucking You know,

and he said, This shit's great, man I don't care to do to them Just be good to me Kick it, kick that motherfucker Lee

Oh shit It's a fucking tremendous Monday I really did like 20 seconds of cardio To that motherfucker fucking song Brett Ernst in the house What's up my brother? What up baby?

How you doing? You know, trying to put the pieces together over here With Lisaa I'm trying to tweet What's the tweet? Don't worry about tweets

Put the fucking phone away What's going on with you? cocksucker. I have like three seconds left. No, you're all right. See, you lose when you... This fucking guy eats a little piece of mushroom right away. He starts walking around like, who turned on Jesus?

Judas. Judas. No, you're fine. It's fine. Frank. You're going to go into a natural... You're going to a natural evolution. We gave you the fucking gumies or model to tame the fucking mushroom down. And then we got the star coming at you, like the big black cahuna. Sounds good then. Then I'll be great.

Yeah, who do you get dealing with? So you do the three-triple effect. You got the mushroom in you, a little something from the hash-off, and those gummies are mono, and a little piece of the star. You're not going to eat a whole star. You're just going to eat a little piece. Oh, good. It's all mixes in.

It's like you're on the ocean fucking floating, you know what I'm saying? It's like you're in the backup thing of, uh, oh-wee, oh, we. Remember, they would do that? Oh, we, oh, the time. The time. Now I know why you told me why you told me why you told me. He called me, he called me to have my will ready. He said, make sure you have the will ready.

Tell me, oh, yeah. Give her a hug, because we're going deep. We're doing the triple fucking death. How was your weekend? It was good. It was really good. The wife was gone, so I just kind of hung around. I went to a Rhea show on Saturday in Brea.

And jerked off all over the house. All over the house. Yeah, when a wife's gone, that's what happens. You just start running. You missed her a little bit. But I haven't had a weekend to myself in a while. That's nice, too. Yeah.

You do some time. You do some writing. Spend some time with Red 2. You went to the gym. Yeah, I went to the gym every day. You're beautiful. You look good. Nice, I'm trying.

I'm trying. I bless you. It's going to be hard tonight with all these. The munchy still get me. Again, you got the fucking, the fucking little psilocybin mushroom, the speed from it, that natural little fucking thing, you shouldn't be hungry. Just throw a fucking coffee down and roll a joint, and you'll be back like fucking hurts you. I shouldn't be hungry. With the amount of, what edibles you put at me.

Stop. What hunger? There's no such thing. What's up my brother Brent? Oh, you don't, man. The fucking disco inferno. No, that was a great song. Oh, S-O-S-Band?

SOS band put out like fucking six jams in a row That was tremendous And like in 84 Like the greatest summer of music in New York I went to see him It's some Damn medium place

A lot of black people Tremendous In Harlem somewhere Who the fuck knows I just heard the song On the radio the ad day And it killed me Check cashing store

Is that way? No, it killed me When I heard that song on the radio Killed me It just put a hole in my heart I hadn't heard it in a while And it was one of those songs And, you know, we were just bopping.

Last night we went out to dinner. Right. And Kelly Runny was there, a bunch of us of there. And Kelly Runny, we were talking about a story where her uncle used to hide his blow under her crib in those little things. So you couldn't, if the cops came in. So one night I was downstairs doing my thing banging out fucking bold was like in Boulder. And I kept having to go upstairs and pick her up in the crib while she was sleep. Take the Coke Rocks out and put it back in.

I did that all night. Like every hour on the aisle was fucking horrible. I was terrible those days But she went out to dinner with this. It was very nice. It was very nice. Thank you. It was fun just because I had seen her.

She was there when we filmed a documentary. Yeah. And then just to hear her tell the stories of seven people in a basement, all like four guys, and then you would have girls over, and then you would have to go upstairs and take the Coke out of her crib. And she's just sitting there saying it while she's eating some chicken. It's fucking crazy. We all live downstairs.

Me, her uncle, her two uncles. How old is she now? She's 33 or something, 34. This is all went down the summer of 84. I have lived there since 81. I knew them since grammar school. But, you know, she was born, she was a baby's mama. You know, she was born to some guy at a bar.

Then the mother married the dude. And the dude died about four years ago. It was a good fucking dude. Ex-Marina. I used to call him Rambo. Good fucking people, good fucking people, you know. So Kelly was here From another friend of all

Is Becky My wife The baby And Lee You know Fucking the baby goes nuts She just runs dog You gotta plan her outings

I know exactly She'll eat Get entertained And she's got shit to do She's got to check around The rest of them My niece is alike They just take off

They don't give shit Such a great age too Where you just You know Do whatever you want It's a fucking Living reality show In front of me

Every day I see a dancing before some Spanish videos on she knew the words she was dancing she was doing the hand movements it's pretty fucking funny to see and my wife is knocking it out with us so God blessed to both them they had a great time they went to the zoo and took the thing

she has the zoo pass for the fucking year so I go to the zoo on Wednesdays they got nothing to do they said drive to the zoo for two hours we better than you they seen the guerrillas last week yeah it was crazy because she was just she was sitting there and then she would come up to you and take your

hand and she just paraded you around the restaurant. Yeah, she's like, let's go. We gotta go. There's nothing funnier than seeing Joey Diaz Vaughan, a two-year-old around a nice steakhouse. And she grabs your finger and she's like, um, you just gotta go. That's it. You can't fight her in there because she'll, we went outside,

we walked to fucking 10 minutes. It was just great. Went to Sacramento this week. I want to give some shots. Oh, you're at the punchline? Fuck, yeah. That's a great club. Easy week, great club. Both punchlines are just designed perfectly. Star Dome said, what's up?

They don't want to hire me. What are you talking about? I want to go down there. They love you. I want to go to Alabama. Yeah, dude, I just came back. That's the place, Burma. And how many time do you go down there?

That's my first time, man. I haven't been back there since the Vince Vauntor. Really? Yeah. And it's beautiful. Yeah, man. The room is like a theater the way it's set up. And, you know, it's cool.

It's intimate. But it's, you know, you get about 400-something people in there. It's nice. Good times, man. anywhere in the South is a good time. With me, though, I'm a little dirty. So after 18 minutes, they realize who they are and where they're from.

And they tighten up a little bit, and it's tough to work with for a few days. You start beating your fucking self up. You're like, why am I eating shit? And they like their little chatty too. And then after the show, they'll come up to you and go, that was the best son I ever seen. You sit there and go, what the fuck?

You talk through the whole fucking thing, and you'll stare at me. Can you notice when that happens? Because I just talked about that on my podcast. Oh, please. It really bugged me. when I was at the show this week, and these people thought they were at a bar.

During Ari's show? During Ari's show. And they just would not. They were switching seats. It was somebody's birthday. And they were all the way in the back. And the place is a big club. But the club didn't do anything about it.

And I just moved seats because I just couldn't pay it to. They were so loud, I couldn't hear the comics. Yeah, it's people, I don't know what the fuck they're thinking, man. It just, it's gotten progressively worse, I think, since. I mean, I've been doing it almost 17, 18, 18. years now. And from when I first started to now, it seems like crowds tend to be a lot more chatty. The clubs...

The younger, younger people, too, man. The clubs come and talk to you and they're like, what do you want us to do? What do I want you to take somebody and throw them the fuck out? Yeah, I don't want to be the way. Okay, the common behavior is you're there. You're laughing. Listen, you're going to have to talk. You think, why do you think I don't fucking go to calm me close? I think I didn't go to climb me close. Because you got to sit there like a mute for an hour and 30 minutes. Try that.

You know, you can't do that. People are going to to talk. Difin between talking and the difference between not having fucking class. Yeah. Well,

there's a difference between talking and being disruptive. That shit you see an RRI show, that's probably because they gave away free tickets. Oh, okay.

And they have no value involved in the fucking tickets. So they go there and jump and laugh. People will pay a hard $22, they're not going to go to get thrown out

or make noise. It's really weird which you see. You know, it's embarrassing when people are fucking trying real hard.

I don't think they're giving Ari's tickets away anymore. By the way, that was great. That was great with the fucking Stern thing, wasn't it? Yeah, it's the Brea Imprope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Brea Imprope always gives away ticket when you sell out or not so they're having out. Yeah, they don't give a fun.

Well, we gave away two-for-ones. Yeah, yeah. We were talking about Lee and I, how every time I go to a club, Saturday night, it's the first one sold out. Saturday night has had 150 on Monday. When I worked Brea, man, we got to go to a couples.com and give away tickets. What are you talking about? The guy was dropping his pants.

on Friday night with that squad. They're stoners. They don't even get the fucking mint. So, oh, to, Saturday. Joey Diaz is Embrae. So this fucking moron down there was dropping his pants on Monday, two for ones. Really quick. Talking about stoners, when I did weeds, I did two episodes of weeds, right?

I got hit up by a guy that was like, hey, man, you want to, it was 420 or something. You want to go to D.C. and smoke were having, and we wanted people from, you know, and I had like a little guest star. I played an Armenian guy that killed her husband. I don't know if you ever seen the show. You ever watched a show? Yeah, a long time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well, you know, you would have... So it's not like, you know, it was a good, good role, but, you know... What year was it? Uh, end of season two, beginning of season three. That was the best years of their life. That's when I was in the kitchen with the gun and the fucking U-turn and all that shit. After that they... That show had all the potential to be one of the greatest shows of all time early on.

But the funny part was they asked me a week before they wanted me there. Like, oh, hey, man, you know. And I'm like, dude, it's fucking short notice. You know, like, I can't get a ticket. But even if you did, you don't smoke weed. No, I don't smoke. So you don't know. But you know what's crazy?

I was telling my father, you smoke a shitload, man. And I used to have to pick the seeds out as a kid for him, you know, because I had little fingers. He'd be like, take the seeds out, right? And now, I mean, that's why I was always wondering how those buds work. But I guess you have the grinder thing. That's how that works. I like, listen, I take this shit apart of my fingers.

That's part of the whole process. That's how they used to do it. Old school, I take my own two papers. I glue them together. I rip half of it. That's part of the karma. That's part of the full patois that makes you become one with the motherfucking reef.

You crack open this fucking reefer. You're so awesome. I can't even... But the shit's stronger now, right? Sure. You know, this is the paralyzed kids. It's so tightly packed. You can't even pop it?

No, that had a piece of hash in there. This is Isis hash. What's that now? They'll make your head pop out. And then I got this shit right here. They don't have to cut your head off. You take a hit of that. your head just pops, and you got this shit.

But it's too wet to crack up with your fingers. So I let it dry tonight. Tonight I take this home, and I put it in a piece of paper, and I put in a fucking draw. I wouldn't draw. And when I get up in the morning, it's nice and dry like I like it, and it just goes, blah. I take that hash, I crunch that hash up,

and make a master mix, like the DJ whatever in 84. Fucking DJ Funkmaster Flex. And I put that motherfucker on the pipe in my balcony in the back, and I'll spark that fucking savage up. and by 715 I'm dropping now Like tomorrow I gotta go for a blood test I'll get stoned To the gills before that fucking blood test

I throw that whole fucking denomination off Blood's gonna be green That's the point But see here's the thing Lee If you didn't get the seeds out right If they smoke it that shit would pop It blows up Oh okay

Yes It blows up It stops lighting I remember one time I had weed That somebody crust the seeds And put it back on the weed To put the weight to it Yeah try to fucking rip you off

Because usually people sell you the weed with the seeds, but if there's too many seeds, you'll complain. These people took the seeds out and then rolled it back. When you rolled it every 10 minutes, every 10 seconds, the joint would turn off. Oh, is that why turns off? Yeah, it turns off every 10 seconds. But they say it's healthier now, right?

To smoke with like the humidifiers and stuff over the paper, right? Yeah, but it goes to fuck. If you're walking on nights, you might as well dance. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to smoke. You know, when you go to these doctors, this is the first, and they say, do you have this? And that's great to smoke with a vapor.

try rigid. But what they do is they throw the fucking kids off. There's too much confusion. Right. I smoke with this. Everybody's trying to be Johnny Cool. Just roll the fucking joint. You shut your fucking mouth. Right. Well, they're trying to act like it's healthy. I mean, you're right. Just own it. If it's not healthy, you're just fucking do it.

They were smoking that shit with a paper when Jesus at the last supper, then they smoked to that woodstock. If it worked for them, it's going to work for you. But everybody wants to be Johnny Cool. No, I have this device. I have this device. All right. How are you, Lee? What's going on in your world? I can already feel it.

No, but it's... It's supposed to be feeling, Lee. So what's going on? You were hearing the fucking siren now. No, I'm not seeing shit. He didn't need enough. Why don't you go take a look at Charlottuch Bronson and see if that fucking... You want to eat half the start or tame you down a little bit.

I'm cool, man. No, no, no, no, you need a half a start. Like, a little fucking... He's going to kill you, Lee. Yeah. I'm a little bit... This is a 25-millimeter. By the time, when you first started working here, he had a full head of hair and abs.

Pretty much. He's got you on the Uncle Joey Transformation Diet. Please don't... Oh. Look at it. That's nothing. What do you mean? There's nothing. You can eat this in your sleep. By the way, the fact that he put it in his mouth and then threw it on the table and you're going to throw it in your mouth,

makes you fucking awesome. I just ate a crack-close asshole just now before I came in here and breathed on it. You didn't call me and told me that you wanted to finger somebody's a girl's asshole and then make her sniff it and lick it. He thought that was hysterical today. How many... Huh? Eat the fucking thing. Well, you don't worry about the chick with the asshole.

finger. What are you talking about? Why would I take a chicken's finger and make a smell a finger? That's, dude, that's Mongolian beef type shit. That's why I Uber Lee, how old are you again? 26. Jesus Christ. You know what I was doing? Do you do I have any? The idea. At 26, I was smoking a kilo eating 20 tumult.

He's got it easy. He's eating fucking three little stars of death. His hands are shaking. It's that Shug Night shirt he's wearing. Dude, that was brilliant. His fucking hands are shaking. Why are your hands shaking, Lee? I don't know.

I didn't even know they were. I'm scared to even ask. You were family. What are you going to shoot you? I didn't even know them. I didn't even know they were shaking. Oh my God, hysterical. So what's that, Joe?

What's that? What's going on, man? We're going to play some music or what? Just trying to put the pieces together. You know, every fucking Monday, start to hold on the week. I'm home for four weeks. That's good. I mean, I got to go to San Diego and shit.

That's like a little. That's like a song. second home. But not for me. I don't like Thursday nights in San Diego. I only go only go down for a house. You're going to a manhouse?

The other one. American Comedy. American Comedy. That place is great, man. It's a great room. But, you know, I like the store. I love the store. You're a La Jolla guy too.

Yeah, I mean La Jolla and then, you know, I know I've done that American Comedy Club. That's a beautiful car. I'm going to do La Jolla too the next time. I'm going to do La Jolla or just line them up. Maybe like in September. What is it now? March?

Maybe September. What's the matter? You're looking at the microphone. Nothing's the matter. You're thinking about shit. You get anxiety in your own mind before it even starts. You already see yourself at the hospital with a mask on it. So he's breathing having.

Between you and him, I felt like I'm listening to a prank phone call. Oh, for good about it. Like fucking Darth Vader is interviewing. I don't have anxiety. I'm just fucking high. I wasn't even thinking about anything. You always think I'm nervous. I'm just sitting here like,

when I was in the seventh grade, there was a little fat Cuban kid who wasn't all there. He was half fucking retarded, mixed with everything else. Like, he's definitely in a prison. Yeah. His name was Orlando Salcedo And he would We would shoplift bubble gum Hubba Bubba

Yeah We would go to shop right Right behind McKinley school And we would shoplift Bags of HUBBA And what's the other one Not Hubbubba Bubba Yeah bubble yum

Bubble Yom And Humberbubbubbubbubb But one got really hard Like one turns into like a meteor I think it's bubble y' After you two In 20 minutes I think it's bubble yum

The pink one Yeah It turns into like a fucking meteor There was the one, remember they said about spider eggs were in it? That's it. Remember that shit? Hubbubba. It was Hubbubba.

Hubabubba. This lady, the name was Ethel Walsh. And we had maybe six savages in that class. I mean, she had a kid Charlie Gizzy, who I knew in the seventh grade was going to be a killer. And when he got out of high school, he killed him. Well, there's always that one kid, man. There was a little click of this class from this neighborhood, had Dougie Jimenez, who was a killer. Colombo, who ended up going to the Marines to kill people.

this class proved. But there's always that one kid that's like, like, he's always outside. Like, that one kid with, like, no adult supervision. We had a couple of them. And then the Cuban invasion, you had those kids that were, they didn't speak to language. You know, that's so weird in Miami and North Bergen. McKinley held them until they were 17 in the eighth grade until they could drive themselves to school. Then they would put them in high school.

So these kids became little fucking savages. But there was this one kid of Landozal Sala, we would go up there and rob. And we got to be, you know, lunchers at 12. and you got to come back at one, and by 1.45, you would become like a fucking devil. And he would start making noise. His desk, and he'd go, wow. Just every, like... Was he high?

No, we were too young together. We were getting high, but he wasn't. He would just sit back and go, wow. Every like, fucking four minutes. Is that why you call me and say that to me? I didn't think I say one. You still do it? Oh, my God.

How can I not do it? Well, listen, we had this kid, right? Oh, my God. Listen, he stole a fucking ambulance, man. Right? Because this kid was out of his tree. And it's a famous story in Passaic. It was on Main Avenue in front of the quick check.

Fucking ambulance pulls up. Drivers get out. Matt jumps in, puts the sirens on, and just fucking took off, man. And he didn't even go anywhere. He was just doing laps and shit, right? And then the cops, like, they blocked him in. And then they beat the fuck out of that. That's what they're doing.

and then they threw him in the back of an ambulance to the fucking hospital. I actually tell that story of my heck, man. I swear to God, dude. It's a famous story. Everybody talks about that. This kid was out of his fucking tree, man. We had this kid in that class.

We had like six killers. I was this kid in that class. The name was Michael Allegrettoe right off the buck. From Italy or Cuba? Italy. Oh, yeah. He couldn't talk to Pahlavu,

and he wouldn't talk. But he used to have his own noise. And he used to go, Mm. Right. So Orlando would be going, and then this And this kid was...

But why would it make it noise? Because it would drive Ethel Welsh crazy. She was like 62. The other thing, whenever we played hockey and we hit fucking... The Italian kid in the shins, he goes,

ay, aye, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hysterical, you can't write this shit. So it was him, Carlos Al-Divar. I mean, it was just Alberto Ali. Isn't it crazy that to all these years you can fucking remember? Oh, my God.

because that was such a piece of my child, that's who you are today as a comedian. Like I had the comedy of the Ali brothers. Here we are 12. They were 15, him and his brother. Alberto was sharp. His younger brother was a fucking retard that had the face of a human,

but he was a mongoloid all the way. And whatever his brother told him to do, it was Alberto and Alfredo. Because I told the Alberto story when I hit him in the head with the rock. Is that the story you told that the coffee, shop where he threw it from the other side of the building? I hit him in the head with the rock and he kept going,

aye, aye, are you the middle? I mean, to help me. He had a fucking lump with a white head in the middle. I used to hit him with light bulbs that would blow up from Dura test. But these two brothers, guys, I want you to focus on this. This is how crazy, you know,

because you try to tell people these stories and they look at you like, okay, so this guy's doing it. But let me answer, do you think it's just Jersey, though? Because Jersey was a fucked up place. This was just where you have this. mixture of the time. But these kids did shit that was just the way they turned out. And they were hilarious.

Our goal was to knock Miss Walsha. So every afternoon, after 10 minutes of, wow, mm-hmm. She would go, okay, turn your books over. Let's wait for meet the noise to end. And she said, and she'd go, everybody would make noises. Then the whole class would just start making sheep noises and shit. And she finally one day she just left. She was 60-something years old

She had her and Ms. Verga were the oldest teachers In North Bergen history Wait, she just left and never came back She had a different year She fucking came back She got lost for a while We had Mr. Missed We had a couple substitute teachers that year

And they tapped out too It was always good though to get a good When you had a sub We were fucking assaged That clagged Richie Columbo That Richard Columbo I seen him attack John Brown The 7th grade man

You know this is fucking hard Fucking kids I saw a Mr. Gatoni Can you explain? John Barone is the teacher. It's not like another student. No, I know who he is, but I'm saying. You remember he told the story that Richie Colombo came back to kill Kingwell.

He went to the Marine. The teacher. Barone told the story of how 10 years later, he goes, one day I'm at the grammar school, and I look up, and here's Richie Colombo, that fucking moron, with a Marine suit on with his fucking sniper rifle, looking for Kingwell, the seventh grade teacher. And he could stop.

Richie, what's up? Because I'm here reporting for duty. I'm killing Earl Kingwell. Richie, are you fucking crazy? But what would King Will do? He was a scumback. Kingwell was a seventh grade teacher. Was he like touching kids or something? No, no, no. He smacked you. And he punished you. And he punched you. That's the other thing. People don't know.

Teachers used to smack the shit out of you back in the day. This guy would pinch your ear. He would punch you in the side. He would hit you in the kidney punch. And this is what happened to him. He used to, the first day of school, the last day of school, you always go into the teacher's class you're going to be in in my school system. So they tell you who's you going to be your teacher going there and spend an hour with him. He tells you what he expects from you,

blah, blah, blah, blah. First thing, Earl Kingell goes, right, you have a summer assignment. So people hated him right off the bat. He was a scumback. He flick your ears. He didn't like me. I pulled a quick one on him. He did not like me. But at the time I got there, he already had a reputation, and I

had a reputation. So I let him know right off the bat. You fucking touch me one time, and my family will be. here smacking the fuck out of you. Anybody who was a history buff, look it up. What was the guy before, Fidel Castro? Oh, I'll tell you right now.

Batista. Alfensio Batista had a driver. That's the one Michael Corleone had to deal with. His father's, Batista's bodyguard was Mading Pettis during the Batista regime. Right before they threw Batista over, they used to set different cars with different people.

And they sent, like they would send me with you in the back, because you look like Batista. but I'm really Martin Perez, and they gunned down Martin Perez. They shot Martin Perez a hundred times with machine. So, wait, did your family, your family were Batista's supporters? No, no, no, who the fuck knows? I don't get me.

No, I have no idea. I'm telling you about Martin Perez. Martin Perez got shot. Martin Perez lived, and they put him in North Bergen with his father. Martin Perez used to sit on the couch like a half of Mom all day. When you go over there, he wouldn't put his shirt on. He'd be smoking a cigar, and you'd see the bullet wounds through his body. But Mr. Kingwell made a mistake when they hit Martin,

And threw him out of the class at 11. At 10 to 3, you heard. And the open the door, it was Martin Perez's father, came out of the fucking wheelchair. Really? He was 6'4 and he walked on. He goes, I'm going to do to Jew. What did you do to my son?

He beat him up in front of the class. So that ended the rain of him hitting him in front of people. He would punch people. To me, he kept breaking my balls. He wanted to see my mother. I paid this dude from the bar, 50 bucks to come down and say he was said he was my brother. and that my mother was in Miami on business. So the next time he's like, no brothers this time,

I want to meet your mother. During my mother's meeting, he goes, last time I called for you in Miami, my mom was like, what are you talking about? I had pulled a quick one on him. My fucking mom beat me up right at the fucking school. But Earl King will left me back to boot. Earl King.

But it wasn't my fuck. It was my fuck up. I was never mad at Earl King Will for let me back. Earl King will just had a heavy hand. They liked to smack kids. but a couple of parents got in his face and smacked them back. Well, people back then, we used to have corporal punishment

where, you know, the teacher would paddle you in front of the class. I should pull my pants down and you'd smack your ass. And we had the, uh, uh, uh, I meant one time, um, well, this is crazy too. I was telling my wife this the other day. When I was a kid, my mom would send me to the store for cigarettes, you know? I get a pack of marble of lights in a hard box. And a note and you could put it on credit. Yeah, and they just give it to the kids.

Yeah, they'd come back with wine. She'd pick up. the big jug that the fucking guinea wine and the cheap guinea wine all they have to is call it there just say hey yeah yeah down there give him wine and whatever he's going to you $20 give him an ice cream give it to them and they would

sell your cigarettes or they deliver it they deliver it I don't you know you put up a good question was it the neighborhoods or I don't know I had a I had a very good time growing up and I've always said that I had a and after my mother died yes

emotionally I had a bad time but What was going on outside me was so much laughter that it carried me through the hard days. Well, you know what it is, Joe, is that even when you tell stories, like, you know, even me, like, people sometimes are like, where the fuck are you from? I mean, because some of the shit, like, you know, my buddy's stealing an ambulance. I, you know, I changed my grade. I stole the teacher's grade book one time. That was fucking. So did I.

And I made, like, a 60 and 80. You know what I mean? I used to sell the teacher's editions, like, in the second grade at PS 166. And that's why I transferred to Catholic school. Yeah, but like we were always doing us. Always. Always trying to out crazy the next kid. You were always streety.

I was always very streety. My mother didn't like me to be streety, but she did. She didn't want me to be nerdish either. I started out to be nerdish, but I enjoyed the other side. I enjoyed how kids knew how to make a buck when they were six and seven. I like how kids would say, and they would cut you in. Like, listen, if you help us, we'll give you a dollar. If we get $10 and you're like, are you fucking sick?

So if I help you carry this to this guy's house at two in the afternoon groceries, you'll give me a dollar plus the tip. You love that. Either you're one of those kids that likes that or not. Either you're one of those kids that lifestyle or you want to go home and play Nintendo. I'm always trying to make money. So even though I had money at home, I can ask my mom for a 20, I enjoyed that. I always enjoyed being independent.

We had no money at home. No. My mom had the bars. There was always cash. We never had cash. So me and Keith, like my little brother, we dress up his Boy Scouts, collect money. That was a fucking strong little scam. We used to crack the pay phones

on the side. I don't know if you remember like, it's still there if you see them. They have like the key where the keyhole is. You smack that fucking thing when a hammer hard enough. And the screw drive. The whole thing cracks. Yeah, and then all the change comes out. We used to do that shit all the time. Fucking, my little brother, we...

How did you figure that out? Huh? How did you figure it out? Actually, I'll tell you exactly how I figured it out. Is, you know when you check for coins? Right. You know, you put your finger in there, it was just, uh, it was just hard. Like you couldn't push in there. And then you would hear it rattle. You understand? And all the change was in there. And the box that they kept it in, that, when I've seen it, it was, it was just cracked. So I don't know if some

fucking drug addict did it. And then I just figured, you know, if you fucking, I'd just try to duplicate it. But then, yeah, if you, there's, there, you can just smack it. We just use the hammer, but there's the screwdriver thing. You know what else I remember is the old school, uh, how do you get time on the meter? I don't know if you remember. used to do this where you would, you know the ones you put the coin in and you turn? Right. You would hold it half mass and then smack it with a fucking shoe and then the thing would just stick somehow.

We used to do that shit all the time. I had something. We used to sell phone dollars. Even years ago, I had the paper clip and I would do those when I'd go to Los Felice to eat pizza, that pizza place and they have a cup, which is selling April 1st. He sold it. The only one I ever had was, you know the coke machines that have a conveyor belt that bring it to you?

a couple years ago. They used to make it, so you could put your hand in, and if you stopped it from the Coke from coming out, it would think there was a mistake, so it would give you your money back, and then you could get another one. So you could get, like, a bunch for the price of one, and that's the only scam I ever did.

Some people had, like, the masking tape on the dollar bill, and then you just put it in and rip it back out, but I never tried that one. I never tried that. No, I mean, either. I had the friend who got the bank money deposit with a fishing line and a hook. Oh, wow.

The night depository? And he got it. Danny Bianculo's brother. I know. That was the first time he ever, and he gave him on a good story. He was about 14, and he tipped the cab driver,

like 200, and that's who were out of the amount, the cab driver. Really? Yeah, they just called all the cabs that went to the airport that night, and he was one of the cabs, and they said,

you take a kid? Yeah, I did. In fact, he tipped me 200. Here's where he's staying. Now, we did the, he did a little, you know, stupid shit. We used to have the phone dialers.

I don't know if you had those, where if you put it up to a pay phone, I don't know if you remember putting change in it and it would make that noise that click click click click click click right but it was a recording of that noise so you would put it to the receiver and hit it and the phone would read that a coin drop so that was it? Yeah so you would if you hit it four times and you put a dollar in so you can make phone calls

and shit you sell them to like the you know like the immigrants and stuff would use it to call home call overseas or you know to call international because it was like $16-17 to call long distance on a pay phone I don't know if we remember that shit. That's what I think that the children of today lack. Like even the basic paper route. Absolutely. The paper route was the American way.

It was something that I remember splitting a paper route. Like that's how you got a paper route. Like I wanted, even though I knew how to make money on the street doing fucked up things, selling stickers from CYO basketball, you steal the stickers and you sell them and you steal them back. And for $2. But $2 adds up when you're fucking $16 and $10 and $12. $2 times $8, the $16 fucking dollars. That was an album when I was growing up.

That's an album. That's a pair of fucking Congress height tops. Dude, listen to this. My buddy, this is the greatest scam you've ever heard for a kid. You know, he shovel walks for cash, right? There would be like five, whatever. They'll pitch in $5.10. Then they would go to the flower shop and buy a big-ass Christmas wreath for like $40, $30, $40.

I was in the 80s. It's like $3,000 today. Then they were going to different neighborhoods. didn't know them and they would knock on the door with the wreath trying to sell it you know take deposits for it and shit like for the for the holidays you understand like you know say oh yeah we're selling for the church and this is this beautiful reef and they're only 30 bucks all you needs like a 10 dollar deposit and had the drop sheet where they write their names down take the 10 bucks and just go take deposits for the reef you'd be surprised how many people do they 10 bucks dude

are you fucking serious it's a 40 dollar reth that they're selling for 30 for the church or for the school or for whatever they came up with and you get the $10 deposit so they would get deposits from all the houses, you know, nobody gets the rate. But then if you saw an old lady, you'd give it to the old lady. People's Express. That was my big one. Look at Lee's

face. It's fucking red like his little fucking Daisy Duke shirt. What's he got to say? Shug Night show. He looks like Shug Night show. He looks like Shug Night tonight. He really does. Do you guys ever get The-Mishin Knight? Pretty much. Mishugan Knight. Do you guys ever get the people in the

and like SUVs they'll come up to you and they'll be like I have speakers yes I sold those acoustic oh my god and they always like oh it's not on and they always have a piece of paper and they go it's not on it's not on my order for me I can give it to you for 90 listen to me I don't know who falls for listen to me a lot of college students when I lived in Tallahassee and they put bricks on them or so no no no they're speakers they're just shitty speakers but they're there we we get them from California actually back then when we were in Tallahassee my buddies were fucking really good at this and you order of these, they're called acoustic speakers. And they would come in and you just pull up the gas stations and say, hey, now, here's the scam. You act like they're stolen and you're trying to act like they're not stolen, but they're really not stolen. Does that make any sense?

So you're like, listen, I had this delivery. And you make the story sound shady. So people think they're stolen and you're trying to act like they're not. Does that make any sense? But they're really not stolen. They're paid for. They're just really bad. Right.

Right. Right. Absolutely. I didn't make the delivery. They usually go for $100, give me $50. I think at the time they were like $30 a pair, and you could sell them for like $200. This was back in $91, $92.

But you would order like $500 worth of speakers or $1,000 and you could make triple your money almost, you know. You had a van to pull up in the gas station to people and shit. Happened to me last week in Hollywood. Don't ever buy them. No. But why would you want people to think that they're stolen? Because you want them to think that it's, that's, you want that, that it's a good pair of, like, in other words, you want them to think that they're getting a deal, you understand?

See, but here's the problem. Once you leave the East Coast, it's very tough to sell stolen merchandise unless the person has grown up in that culture. It's very hard. People won't buy it. I tried in Colorado. In Boulder, I used to have $30,000 Rolex watches. People would look at me like I was fucking crazy. Well, that's, you know, back home, like even there, you would check to see.

Well, yeah, you'd see, do you know a guy that has this? And then if they said, no, they don't, then you went to the fucking store. Then you went to the fucking store. But that's the, it's very tough. It's very tough to sell things. You know, there's a couple of movies. There's a movie called with a family business with Dustin Hoffman and Matthew Broderick and Sean Connery. And they play an Irish family that are thieves.

But in that movie, they have a recurring character. that just sells shit Every time you see the guys Excuse me I got some Vince Varragamo shoes 300 up and down Madison Boulevard I got him for you for 100 bucks What are you 9 fucking D

Like in those foot sizes You see him at the bar You see him at wakes He shows up to the wake At the wake he's like You see like guys coming in with a fucking You know with whatever And they're like coming up to him

Like how you doing all day long Sorry yeah sorry Priest father how you doing Listen I got Vince Ferragamo shoes 80 up and down the boy he's got the same rap for everything my uncle boys he's not my uncle i say he's my uncle because he grew up being on once again he's anything you know what we do cousins uncles some of them uh but he he had uh i went by the house and uh he was my grandfather's best friend and he goes

me he goes hey have you seen the new paris hilton video right and i said uh no come with me he he opens the fucking he's got all these remember the paris hilton when she had sex that sex tape he had all the fucking dvds in there and he goes here take one Then he goes, what size of you? 10 and a half, fucking had shoes, left with a plate of fucking rigatoni. I'm like, that's only in my family. You leave with porn, fucking shoes,

and a fucking nice little plate of food. When I was a kid, there was a family in North Bergen, who I was fond of them, but not really. Like, they had four kids, and two of them were cool. The other two were like, they knew what the father did. Yeah. But as we got older, the brother came to. Were they the jerk off guy that's like, you know my father?

Yeah, yeah. They used to fucking flex a lot. Yeah, yeah. But the oldest one was, really the real deal as a human being to the point where there's people who stay away from the oldest one. He's not involved in anything, no family.

He's just out there. He did time for murder in a car. I mean, when we were kids, he used to really see the devil on blow, and if you put Aerosmith on, he would lose his fucking mind. And he ended up going to prison

running over somebody. And I remember 94, we'd be playing basketball and he'd be on a bicycle. Part of the deal for him together was like, listen, you can't even have car keys on you. So he's always on a bicycle, which made him get in good shape. But whenever he'd drive past us on a bicycle,

people would just freeze. Like, shh, it's Frankie. And they would just freeze, so he wouldn't see it. Like Debo on Friday? Yeah, like he was that scary. Not big or whatever, but the point being, when I was about 17, I got into gambling, and somebody goes, call him, he says you could put

bed to him. Every time you went down there, like there was always a story. Yeah. And there was always a, what size of you? Come on out to the garage. The garage guys, it was tough to close the garage.

Like he would have to push things in and close the garage door, and they would land again. He would have to put his foot. He had two of those. And in those two garages, he had one of everything. You name it. One of everything. And it was one size left.

Like it was the bottom of the shipment. But he held on to it till the end. Somebody would just go, come here. Give this to some kid on this homeless. No, no, no, no, no. I remember leaving this, like beating them for 300, gambling, but leaving him with 100, because now I got a leather jacket that's a 2x.

Even though then, I was only like an L. But he talked you into it. That's how good he was. There's those type of people that just have shit out in their house. I remember 94. My stepdad took me to these buildings in West New York, where the people would rent apartments, and basically it was just hot stuff.

clothes and blenders and everything was in boxes and I mean fucking six, $700, $700,000 real fucking suits. Remember that's how I got started selling cars? He took me to this thing and I spent like $2,000 and I got three tremendous suits and like $500,000 fucking shoes

with the thick soles. Real fucking communist shoes. Not that shit you get a pay less and you think you've, oh, they're Italian, fucking whatever. That's not Italian fuck. Look at the shape of that fucking mortadella. What's up, Doug? What's up, Doug?

I'm good, man. I know you're good, but why is your face all red? Talk to me. What do you mean? What do you feel right now? Close your eyes. I feel really fucking good. I'm a more to Dell.

Oh, my God. I feel you feel good. I gave you the magic. You know how many people live to get this combination? Most people don't live after they have the combination. Jersey stories. Jersey stories. South Florida stories are fucked up too, man.

It's a crazy area. That's fucking always been crazy down there, man. That's where people go when they're just too crazy. They're losing. Everything was drugs, man. Yeah, everything is drugs. Everything. Everything is drugs. Steroids, ecstasy, drugs, well, Coke.

Like, you know, that's all, like, that's just all. Like, I mean, well, in my high school, there was a lot of steroids and shit. But, you know. But it was. It's a different time. Everything's changed, man. It is. It doesn't seem like little kids hustle like they used to, man.

I mean, we were always hustling, washing cars. In Boston, a couple of kids got arrested because they were shoveling, they were going around shoveling driveways. and some people got mad. Can you believe that? That's crazy. Can you believe that? That's how the kid does,

and a kid in my position when I was that age, and I'm not embarrassed to say this, I was very spoiled. My mother, if I just asked her, my dad had died. Right, so you did that. You were like Cartman. Right, whatever I wanted. It just took me a week to get.

You were Cuban Cartman. And I didn't ever really had to do half the things I did at that age, but I enjoyed them. When I used to go to 140-Aster, I'd see these kids and they inspire me. They had, you know, I had an air conditioning in my room. These kids lived in a room with their mothers and fathers in the living room. Thrown around the fucking floor.

You know, the bedroom was for clothing. And, you know, they had one, and I couldn't even tell them how I lived. They'd ask me, I'd be embarrassed to tell them because, but they taught me. They inspired me that you had to move every day and you had to, and I never forgot their hustle. They always shook down somebody, but legitimately they weren't bad kids. They just tell you the truth. You know, at night when you leave and you're in Staten Island sleeping, somebody's breaking your window.

We're going to protect your fucking window. You know, they were different kids. I forgot their names over the years. But they taught me that gift, and that's what kids are lacking today, that they don't really. Well, what's even more crazy is like our grandparents, like my grandfather, you know, they were, he was doing construction at like 12, man. He was driving trucks because you didn't need to, you know,

he was driving down the dirt roads back then. My family, you know, they were all from Jersey City And, you know, when they were younger, man, you know, they all worked. My grandfather didn't, he can get past six-six-grade, I think. What was the first time you got behind the seat of a car? Well, I was in a stolen car in middle school. But we used to, these two brothers, What are you doing?

Lee. Nothing. Which is correct. Nothing. It just something off the mic stand. We're cool. He looks like his lips are. fucking falling off.

Yeah, it feels like it. He's hammered. No, Alan Vinny, they had this mail truck that they took and they rebuilt it. Like, this is the kid like that had the mini bike that they could build everything? Like typical guineas with the grease monkeys. They fix everything, right?

So we had a mail truck that we used to drive around in. But it was on the other side. So the first time I learned. What is it with mail trucks? Why, you had a mail truck too to fuck around it? No, no. Well, they used to be at the dump, at the jump show,

at the jump, at the dump, and then you would take it and they could fix it up, start it, and go. But the funny thing is, is that I've been driving since I was like 11 or 12, but when my mother tried to teach me how to drive, I had to act like I didn't know how. She's like, I'm going to teach you when I want to get my priority known how. How were you when you got behind her? 15, 16, whatever you're supposed to?

I was petrified. You didn't drive? I was scared. No, no. I didn't want to. I had no need for it. I didn't want to. I didn't like cars.

I wasn't attracted to cars. You didn't need a back then, when my mother died, I used to hang out with this dude from time of the time. His name is Mike Denny, and his father owned a ship reconstruct contracting company. So when your ship came into town, they went in, they painted all the garbage, they took the barnacles off your ship, they put rostoleum on, they rebuilt the floors with a water that was leakage with that special kind of plywood. And they did everything at night. So they got really busy. And I used to hang out with Mike, the devil. They called him the devil.

When he was a kid, they call him the devil. You know what the devil is today? Which is his last name? Mike Denny. Today he's in a prison in North Carolina for killing his wife. Because I knew a kid from Patterson with that nickname. This kid was the fucking devil when we were kids. From right around, he was right around my block there in Northburg.

And he came to me when he goes, listen, my father needs help. And he really likes you. He knows your mom died. You know how to drive? You want to drive with us at night? And I'm like, I can't drive a stick. So from 6 to 10, I drive to Hoboken Pier. I go to Newark Pier, and I just drop off little things.

You just fucking drove. You never driven before that? Never. He taught me how to driving after two weeks. I said, I'm scared. I don't want to do it no more. He goes, Jesus fucking Christ. And he called his brother, who had a driving school, like down the shore.

The brother came, didn't check any paperwork. And he just gave me a driver's license. Just like fucking that. It came me the thing. He was like, don't worry. I think at 16 and a half you get a learner's permit 16 you get a permit 60 and a half you get a license

Well yeah New Jersey Florida it's 15 and then 16 to drive And in New Jersey it's 16 to get a permit 17 to drive That's too fucking young You're still fucking wet behind the years And one of these kids fucking die That's too fucking young to give a kid a fucking

Did you ever get in an accident when you were young? No Knock on wood never Well you're not still young No No no no You just realized Like I told you guys

I was never a big car guy When I was a little kid, I was mentioned once. You're not supposed to get in strange people's cars, and that's something I live by. You know, when I'm out of these places, people always hit me up. Hey, there's a great restaurant here. There's a great jih Tzu here. And the first thing I say is, can I walk to it from the club?

If they say, no, I ain't doing it. I don't get in strange cars since I was a kid. You know, something that was instilled in me when I was eight, and I'm 50 now. I don't need to rent the car when I'm in a comedy town. Literally, the kid that stole the ambulance. is the one that stole the car and we were driving around and we would go joyriding all the fucking time.

Yeah, I never like stolen cars. That was a big thing when we were kids too. Yeah, I never liked like Jersey. They used to love to steal cars. I never liked it at all. Yeah, I know, I could tell you the fuck so. I'm fine, yeah. You're not enough.

I never understood how you wanted to sit in the fucking evidence. Yeah. Like, that to me never made sense. Like, there's no getting out of that. When you're 12, it doesn't matter. I didn't like that. I didn't like that.

I had a friend Jose Otto and other guys that went to robin cars. Dude, I would love to write a movie about that night that what had happened. There was four of us. Two of us got caught and me and my buddy Al. This kid Al, he was always like that kid. Like I said before, he's outside. He knew the streets inside and out. This kid could spot a fucking unmarked car a mile away.

So what happened was we ditched it and we all took off. And my other two friends, this kid Matt and Steve, they went one way. Me and Al went the other. They ended up getting caught. But that night from where we were to get back to trying to. to get home on the railroad tracks. It was a fucking crazy night, man. It's like a stand by me.

Write the script and suspenses. It's a stand by me. Write the fucking script and suspenses. You know what I'm saying? What does it and suspenses mean? Keep us suspended. Every three weeks, say script is coming. Don't worry about nothing.

Well, you love driving now. You drive scary. Like, he'll be high as high as I am or higher. Driving down the 101. Look at Shig Night. Do a 90. My sugar night is all fucking... Miss sugar night is all banged up.

Michigan and night. I like driving because I'm driving. Yeah, but you do 90 and you beat the cops. Who is the fuck? That's better than somebody else driving. You don't know where the fuck you're going. That's true. Dude, let's kick some music.

So don't worry about it. There's a reason. There's a method for my... We got music. What's Tony Bennett to get this party started? Come on, that guy's stuck. I want to be around. You get all tuned up.

You forget about Tony Bennett? I didn't forget about it. Yes, you do. They're a cock sucker. We should put something on for Lee. It's Monday to 16. Oh, wow, it took 45 minutes. I want to be around.

It's a beautiful jam. Great. Take up the pieces. These mushrooms are kicking in. The Red Devils kicking in. They've been kicked in. Why don't you put on the Jewish Elvis, man? No, no way about that.

Little Neil Diamond. What the fuck is this Lee? Sorry. Lee, he's melting. Who's Jewish Elvis? Don't worry about Neil Diamond. Just stay on Neil Diamond. Just fucking leave Tony Bellin on this shit.

Don't worry about Neil Diamond. I was trying to say a fucking. Hebrew, not at the Shama, malabla. You know what I'm saying? Whatever the Shalom Sata. About Shalom. It's a great song. So what do you want to put on the fucking Jewish Owes for? Leave this guy on? He ain't bothered nobody.

What's up, Lysayat, Cawksucker? Look at the shape. Yeah. You know it's a shame, Lee? You don't even know the Jewish Elvis is. It's your own people. Can you imagine? This is what I got to deal with. You got one of the dopest fucking Neil Diamond, Charles Bronson. They're all in the... I know who Neil Diamond is. He's got time to go to fucking movies and museums on Saturday.

We didn't know what you're fine. The backbone of the Jewish Orleans is. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to put on Donna Sama and Barbara Streisand. Oh, God, great song. McCarthy Park? No.

No, not MacArthur Park. Put the fucking thing on Donna's summer. Enough is enough? Enough is enough. Enough is enough. With Barbara Streisand, enough is enough. We're going deep here. Let me see if I can get on this.

You get on the fire. You get on it, all right? And then, you know, it's a great song, too. Did you eat that style? Let's get another one going. Heaven knows is great, too. Let's get the fucking thing here. Let's get Barber Streisand. They get some Babs going. She's Jewish too, you know. We ain't fucking around, Lee, tonight.

The church or what's happened now, the speak is off my ears. It's over. What do you got, Lee? What do you mean? Look at me. What are you looking at? I hate these commercial. The Visa Check card. Fuck the Visa Check card. Lee's got under control. Look at Lee.

Lee, what's he doing? This is what I'm talking about him? He's got them to control, dog. Lee don't fucking run. Oh, look at this. It's not a, there's only, by the way, did this TV come out of your friend's fucking garage as well?

Yes, it did. What happened? I was hoping it was going to be live, but no, it's just, we don't want it live. You want this. Yeah, that's what you want. You don't want it live. This is extended fucking job. Kick this in the beginning. Check it up. That's the best part. Are you fucking kidding?

Five million views. Let's see how many people disliked it. Nobody. It's why you've got five million views. I always know, that always makes me laugh when these people fucking, like I'm looking at pink floor. and there's like a hundred disses. Like, how do you dislike Pink Floyd? Because they're fucking morons.

They're listening to whatever the fuck. Who would you clip first? The Jewish Elvis. None of them. Look at these two. Come on, man. Babs are... Nobody fucks babs, for starters, all right?

She fucks you. Just don't give up the fucking pussy just like that and shit. Donna Summer was hot, though. Remember that movie? Thank God it's Friday. T.G. I don't remember. Dude, she was on it.

Blast that shit, Lee. I'm on mushrooms. What's with the questions? I think it's a great question. Would you clip Donna Summer or Sean Polovsky? Neither. She looks just like it, didn't she? No, she doesn't.

I'm on mushroom. I'm on mushrooms. No car. What's your favorite? I mean, keep asking you questions, how to fuck with you? So what's your favorite Donna Summer song? That's what it is.

Are you fucking nuts people? Monday night. Irish people are somewhere fucking counting pennies. Starting already. Getting ready for tomorrow. Here we are fucking playing Donna Sama at you. Hey Lee, what's Joe's

fucking Twitter handle again? That's what it is. Fuck. Here it comes when he kicks in. Oh shit. Here we go. There's an education people. You fucking nuts.

Nate went three on there spitting some fucking, oh shit. Oh, no, this is too much. This is too much. This is too. This is fucking great. Jews and here. Who you don't touch your shit.

Sylvester Conorov. Oh shit. Oh shit. Crocodile Gandhi. Get this. Crocodile Gandhi. Oh shit. Tell him to just get out.

Are you fucking kidding me or what? Every fucking house you went through it in 79. Every mom would play this shit and sing it while she was cooking shit. You're like, Mom, Mom, Mom, relax. You ain't going nowhere. You're a fucking housewife, gosh sucker. It's a shit. Yeah, your mom listened to cleaning.

Every fucking mom had this song when I was growing up. It would drive you crazy. I heard the studio ex-XM. I almost had a fucking nervous breakdown people. It's Monday night, the night before St. Patty's. Get on your disco shoes, motherfuckers. It's just starting here. Me and the Flying Jew are going deep with another star in a minute here.

It's only 9.30s. He's a five-star general. It's two-star, two-and-a-half star. A two-star general with a little bit of gumies or minus and mushrooms. But I'm very, no, I love with that. I'm really happy that, like, when I was a kid, I did it, but I didn't want people to know. But after my mom died, I had to learn how to do it. And I just put the, you know, you learn how to buy 100 Kwaylut and sell them for $4.

You know, give away four to get people entice. It's your own little personal business. And that's what a lot of people, that's it. You're 100% business. Then I started getting the ups and I was getting the ups for 40 for fucking a thousand of them and I would sell a thousand hundred of them for 35 dollars So all I need to do is sell 200 of them and I was already in profit I could eat 800 fucking ups I didn't I fucking sold them So you learn you learn how to cut corners you know How to raise the price of Mestlin and raise you know lower the fucking price

It was just an amazing education you know dictate the market You had to do it then cocaine came along and I'll tell you what there's so many people I taught how to like market you coat. Like a lot of people would grind it up. I don't want my car. I want to see a rock in there. You give somebody a rock and some else, they'll pay the extra 50. People want to go to the parties and go, look at the rock I got from fucking Joey Diaz. You follow me? Nobody wants that that bout. But that carried a lot of weight back then, no.

What's that? The sentencing back then, man. The sentencing back there. If you get caught, that shit, they went after it for a while. They go after you for everything in this life. You know, it's when you're stupid and you have a, you know, you have a You have something to sell it for?

You don't even know why. I didn't want to fucking work as a kid. I knew if I could sell an eight ball night, I had $50 and I could snort a gram of Coke. $50 in those days to go out with was 22 fucking cocktails of the tip and White Castle. Or fucking someplace that gave you a chicken sandwich for $2. Yeah, you know, so it was a difference in, you know.

Yeah, yeah. One night you made $200, and that $100 went towards the rent once a week, plus your expenses. You know, it was a different. So that's how you looked at it. I'm very happy I took that education. And I applied it later on, you know, as I was, it kept me up. Jesus Christ, how to borrow from Peter the PayPal.

It's a horrible way to fucking live. But sometimes you got to do it. And I did that for years. You know, starting comedy is not easy. When you first start comedy, it is fucking hard. Absolutely. And once you make the decision to do comedy full time, there's a lot. And I didn't want to get that day job.

I really had that stupid fucking artist dream where you sit in your loft. There was no loft. I had a car with air conditioning. Thank God. You know, and there's a lot of times I couldn't work. And there's a lot of times that I worked too much. I worked all the way to the end. I sold cigars on sunset.

I sold fucking cigars on sunset once. Because I got here in 97, the boomer cigar. Oh, yeah, yeah. They were selling cigars all over. Did you have a hook up in Cuba? No, no, no. I sold cigars for a fucking store. Oh, okay.

I was what Cuba. I'm trying to be a comic $15 a spot. You think I'm making calls to Cuba, get Brett Ernst and fucking... Get some cohabas in there? Yeah, get some... The story on the street was... I'm sorry, I guess I was out of lie. Yeah, we knew some...

You're selling fucking quailudes and... No, no, no, no. At the time I was... But I guess you can't sell a cigar. At the time, I was on sunset trying to be a comic. So I didn't... I wasn't really selling anything. I had just moved here. I was sleeping on a floor.

And that was what was available to me without a car. was selling cigars on Sunset. That's before I met any drug people. I started slinging a little coke here and there. But I hit a Taco Bell commercial for $80,000, my first year here, so I stopped the cigar business. But the cigar business was great. I knew a lot of comics who were selling cigars.

There was two places. There was one by Hoy's Walk on the second floor. You know where Hoy's Walk is on Sunset, LaBray? Yeah, it was like a... And it's still a cigar store downstairs. Yeah, yeah. It's still a cigar store. They sold...

The guy upstairs made it. millions. That's when JJ's beepers were here. Jay J.J.'s Bippers was, who's the hooker that went to jail with, what's his name? What's the famous Hedy Fleece? Heidi Fleece. He was Heidi Fleiss's partner. When you fucking came to L.A. those days,

there was a bunch of fucking beepers. There was a bunch of billboards. I said, J.J.'s Bipper, the king of beeper. With $7.99 to get a beeper. He was my main man. I loved him. Right behind Hoy's Walk, right there. Then the other cigar shop was two blocks up by the hotel. What's the Crack Hotel? A Cross-Holtel. I

across from rock and roll rouse. Sahara? The Sahara. Once you pass the Sahara, there's a street that makes her right, right there on the corner. There's a photography place right on top. Wasn't there a place across the street from the store? I mean, that's been there since I mean, I think I got out of. The House of Blues.

No, it's to the left of that. There's a cigar bar right there. No, no, no. That just came up? Yeah, no. This is when you would call. Remember when you would go to Bodegas in Harlem and you'd see fucking that case with cigars? Who do you think sold those fucking cigars?

Some fucking guy across the street from the comedy store? No, us savages in fucking in L.A. We would just call people and go, hey man, we have starter sample kits. Everybody wants a cigar, right yet. You got cigars there? No, we're going to send you humidify. It was no humidify. It was a glass fucking case for $400.

But if you sold one of them, they gave you like $180. I'd sell three of those a day and get the bonus. You get $50. And I was up the comedy store to get Chewy. Chewy where you are. Yeah, Chewy was... Let me talk you. Can't park here, bro.

Let me talk to you about something. Can't park you, bro. What kind of deal you got going on to? Yeah, he had a fucking good business call. How many packages, 20? I got 40. That's two pack. Why, I can't get three from me, he'd get pissed on.

Leave me alone, Joey. What's up? He had a good business going, Jack. How are you feeling over there, cock suck? I'm good. Can't park here, bro. You know, you need to, and that's what I see that these guys, they don't know how to put,

and I'm not talking about selling drugs. You know, and when I got divorced, when I got divorced, let me put it to you this one, when I got divorced, when I got divorced, When I got divorced in Boulder, I worked for my ex-wife's family. How long were you married for? Two years. It was a failure.

It was a failure. But I worked for them, and for some reason, all the companies then, that they did business, offered a free estimating class. So I would call the people, this is how slick I would, bro, at 20, fucking whatever. Even though it was an ex-fowling shit. I would call these companies and go, hey, man, I'm a roofer. I'm an apprentice, but I want to learn how to estimate. and they would fly me out.

3M and all those companies would fly me out and teach me how to estimate that type of shit. Oh, because they wanted you to use their products? But I also started learning slanted roofs and all those shingles and shit. So I went to a couple of their things. And one day I was, by my friend's house, and he's like, hey man, can you get your brother

and to come over here after the hellstorm? Nobody came to this fucking house. So right over with my drug mentality, one of them. I'm like, hold on a second. I measured it. I did what the regular people around me were charged. It was like $2,000. When I added up the material, it was like $600.

So I'd make $1,400 in one day. I'd hire somebody else, give them $500, ripped the top off with him. The dumpster was a deuce, throwing a dumpster. That's how much the Gambino's control construction. A dumpster, anywhere else in the United States of America, was $200 for those regular dumpsters you see that people come up and pick up.

You know how much that same dump store as in New York City in 1985? How much? $2,200. That's how much went into Sammy the Bull's pocket. I know, yeah, he controlled all the construction records. He controlled all the fucking construction because I remember my brother-in-law's company

who left New Jersey that go into Colorado. And they were like, you have no idea what the construction cost are on the East Coast because of that fucking mafia. You have no idea but I would go into a neighborhood with a box of flies Pass them around the fucking neighborhood By the time I got home

I had three calls already When I was going back to measure their houses People would walk over to me and go How can you measure my house? I go over I pull a fucking bread earns Get a $5 dollar deposit And tell them I'd be here the week of the 20 And I'd show up and do the roof

I was making fucking a thousand bucks on a Saturday What did I get? I busted my hump a little bit But I didn't have any options then I had no fucking option. I had a degree, but it wasn't going to do none. I had a felony. I couldn't do nothing.

So it always comes in. That street hustle. What was your first pinch? January 26th of 1983. As an adult? Property. Yeah, I never took on a juvenile, not nothing.

Not even a talking to, not even a cop coming to the house. A cop dropped me off when he found me in some guy's yard passed out, puking. I had that type of contact, but never a jewelry record whatsoever. So what they get you for? Possession of stolen.

Stolen, uh, stolen tools, when you have tools to rob somebody. Oh, yeah, like the burglar tools. Like I have like a pen.

Like it was, did they trump it up, or were you going to use it to break into something? No, uh, I was going to break into something. I had something. No,

I had, I had checkbooks. Uh-huh. And I gave them to somebody. And that was I plea bargain to. I think it was a $500. It was my first. It was a misdemeanor.

Misdemeanor. And I went and did the probation. Then I got arrested shortly after that for smoking pot after the Redskins. Super Bowl? The Redis. Are the dolphins? Yeah, I think 83. Yeah, yeah.

No, that was it. 82. 83. The killed bees. Yeah, yeah. I won 800. Went into the city in the winter. It was 83.

The fucking wind was blowing. I went into a corn. I bought some chocolate tie stick. I got one of those health food stores, and I went into a corner and a mailman put a gun to my head. That was my second pitch. What fuck was the mailman putting a gun in?

He was making a citizen. He was undercover cop. Because there was a grammar school in, somebody was selling loose joints. I just happened to go there. One in the afternoon, it was guys, I'll never forget how cold it was. And I was in that corner,

the tears were frozen on my face, and he threw me on the fucking floor, and they threw away my pop, and gave it back to me. I had 14 grams. They threw, like, four grams away and gave me the bag back. They pinched me that time.

Then right before I left for Colorado, I got pinched for stolen tools trying to break into somebody's house and they caught me on the way out. We didn't get in. They caught me on foot. But then they threw it out. I knew somebody in the Union City.

Something, they threw it out. And then I just went on a string of fucking but when I went to Colorado, no, I didn't get arrested. I had contact at the end. That was the night I robbed the jewelry store. I didn't get in, but it was a snowstorm, brother. This is how much of a genius I was. And I walked back.

I seen the cops coming to get me, so I jumped and walked in all these snow things. And I went to my house, and I went in, and I took my clothes off, and I relaxed about an hour later the door knocks, and there's 20 cops. And my door knock, excuse me, have you been out to him? I'm like, no. And they look by the radio, and there's my boots melting with snow. So they knew it was me who robbed the jewelry store

They just didn't have proof I knew they were going to come back By the time they came back, I had boogie And then I probably went through Ten arrests that were just You know, hanging out with people This is sad Well, it's not sad

I don't know what you want to call it But a good friend of mine was 18 years old And first offense They gave him 10 years, man He got caught with acid But in the state of Florida Each hits a count of manslaughter You imagine that

And, no, and he had a hundred, I think it's like a hundred on a sheet. Oh, yeah, 100. And he had a hundred on a sheet, and I think 10 sheets. So a thousand counts of manslaughter? Yeah, a thousand counts of manslaughter, man. And they just fucking... And that only gets 10 years? 18. Maybe it was 100 sheets.

Yeah. I give thanks every day. I give you people think I'm bullshying it. But he went from 18 to 28, man. He spent all of his 20s in prison. You people think that I bullshit. I get up in the morning. I give thanks for my daughter.

I give thanks for mercy. I give thanks for the friends I have. You know, I give thanks for the career, like how it worked out. You know, I never wanted to be Eddie Murphy. I just wanted to be alive. And I got that. I just wanted, I don't care of my pictures at the improv. None of that shit mattered to me.

I just want to let motherfuckers knew I was here. And I didn't have CAA. And I didn't have three arts. And I was here. I did what I had to do. And I give thanks that I never got involved. Like, when I got locked up, People went to a body, brother,

I say something to your girlfriend. You take a swing at me and I die. And you've got an involuntary manslaughter. You're looking at 12 years of your life. And guess what? They're going to put you a section in the prison. Okay? So now you've got 12.

That means you're looking at 8th, hard, that you've got to do. You're 19. Your home on spring fucking break. Right. You were just with your old high school girlfriend looking at your dicks suck. You didn't know she was sucking 20 other dicks. Right. She didn't tell you that in the fucking postcard.

They never do it. You know, we want to hook up and relive our times. They didn't pay how they fuck the Puerto Rican and the Coke dealer at the bar and some guys got pictures of it and you show up Happy Henry. Like fucking, yeah. Yeah, there's my little angel. And here comes Johnny Bananas of the bar and you got to knock them to fuck out. Do you ever think about what would have happened if you had killed those people in Colorado?

That's what we're getting to right now. So they give you eight fucking years, eight out of 12. You do eight while you're in there, somebody gets in the beef for you. They attack another six. So you go in at fucking 20 and you come at 30. you coming at 36. Do you have any fucking idea? Do you have any fucking idea?

Any fucking idea? I had a little semblance. By the time I went in, I was 28. I had an idea of who I was and who I wanted to be. Do you understand what I'm trying to say to you? When you grab a person with the mind of a child and they're at 18, I'm not saying he's getting raped.

That's not what I'm talking about. He's going to make decisions. What he's going to learn in there, The first tattoo, the first, hey man, that's cool. That's it. Society's got him. Now he comes out when he's 36 years old. Who the fuck's going to hire him?

So what do you think he's going to do? He developed a fucking habit in the prison. You know, I'm very lucky, Lee. Never mind those people died. I'm very lucky. There was 30 other fucking situations that I walked into that. Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus fucking Christ.

I would sit there some nights and go, can you fucking imagine? What if? What fucking if? Me going to parties and you get hit and I stick up for you and punch him in the fucking head. What if that guy just died? What if that guy just had a brain on your wisdom?

No, dude. You have no fucking idea. That's not far-fetched. And I tell you, this is not. I tell you, when I get locked up, when I got locked up, I bumped into 30 fucking kids that were just living. They thought they were just living.

your friend. He bought a hundred hits of acid. God knows what he was going to do. He ain't no fucking terrorist. He ain't no bad person. He was just an 18-year-old kid that they looked at state sanctions for, and they never looked at this kid and said, maybe he's just a retard. He needs four years to scare him a little bit and will resent him depending on how he does after two. No, there's a state man drink. And he was a nice kid. Nice kid. And dog, they go in. They don't recover from that. Well, he was lucky, you know, he went to minimum or medium. They did that for him. And then, you know, he came out. He's got his shit together. But, you know, he talks to people now.

Talks to kids and stuff and tells him. Because, you know, you do. You're in that you can make such a bad decision at that age. That's why, I mean, even now with these fucking cameras, everybody's filming people's childhoods. Like, God forbid that there was cameras on me when I was 20, 21. Can you imagine? Oh, my God, man. It would be insane, dude.

I wish there was a bit. I wish there was a video of Uncle Joey at fucking 2021. Get it, dancing in a club? I would pay $8 million for that video right now. Lee, what about you? Your bar mitzvah video, is there any crazy shit going on? Not like that. Not like that.

I was shoplifted, but I didn't do anything crazy like you guys. Did you light a candle for somebody in the bar mitzvah video? You know how many bar mitzvahs I want to? See, that's the other thing people don't realize. How, like, up in New York and... every weekend. But I'm saying like everybody like shared your cultures, you know? Like you had the Latino.

Yeah, you had a friend of them. Yeah, everybody fucking everybody, you know, everybody live with each other. But it was crazy. I was watching on Netflix last night. They had this series for they're interviewing people who like serial murderers. What was that word? Serial murderers, I guess. And this dude, like didn't go back to a halfway house.

He went back and just killed people, like he killed five people just ran. He killed five people just randomly Just because he would drive by a house And be like, oh, that house looks nice And then I'll go in there It was fucked up And then he, it just happened like I was thinking like

How like your life could have changed At that exact moment Absolutely All I needed was to bump into a guy That I thought was cool And who I thought was influential in there You know, the mad dog Oh mad dog

And mad dog would sit there and tell you stories About his days on the bike man there's a guy up in Pelican Bay, man. His name is Brett Ernst, man. He's a stone co-killer. We partied together a couple of times. He's done about 16 years of murder. And you sit there going,

what are you fucking, did you ever read about Abe Lincoln? You know George Washington? You know who Hitler is, a Mussolini? Those are great men. You know who Donna Summer and Barbara Streis and his cocks? What the fuck are you talking about? Some guy mad dog in some prison who, man, that guy took on three. guards man we partied out together once they tell you that you're like listening it's over for you

just go to the Puerto Rican side hopefully they'll fuck you the debt because you don't have a fucking day left in you once you get on the real world if you're worried about mad dog is the kid it's like a fucking middle-saint-tallie i've ever seen him on my i remember one day when i was locked up there was this guy that was johnny everything the metal rings the lee jacket over the fucking black shirt. You know, it was 87. He already had tats. He already had, nobody moosed their hair. He already moved their hair

with the little sunglasses. Because at this place I went there, you could wear your own clothes if you got a petition. And then I was sitting around with some guys in there, and the album of the year was appetite for destruction. And it's that Mr. Brownstone.

And me and these guys are talking about how he wrote about heroin. He came all of these, like, it's not about fucking heroin. It's about Mr. Brownstone. I did time with that dude. And we're like, what are you fucking, why would guns and roses sing a song about some dude in fucking Kansas jail? Mr. Brown, what are you?

That's how retarded they get. Like, man, I partied out with Mr. Brownstone. He met Axel Rose one time and told him the story. So Axel Rose promised him he would rather, shut the fuck up, you fucking moron, junkie. What do you think that fucking guy is now? Who Axel Rose? No, no.

Eating fucking chants. Cheeseburgers with $20 bills between his fucking toenails with a... Johnny Bravo got it hung out with the fucking guy with the moose hair and the jeans jacket. That fucking wannabe biker. Where I went, there was a little connection of these wannabe bikers. There was this guy that was something, dead dog or something. He was the leader of him. He was like the old guy.

Terrible nickname. He had killed somebody in voluntary manslaughter party. And they had these little minions that were all retarded. The one guy who smacked was one of his minions, a blonde-haired dude that wore gloves in the prison. There's not even a tricycle in here. Why do you have gloves on? They walk around with tight gloves with their fingers out. Like, why?

Get it to fucking gather, guys. I had a beef with him in the laundry room, and I tied his hair up. I grabbed him by the hair, and I just tied it up in my hands, and I banged his head against the wall, and I took a shit in his drawer. In one of those cheese boxes, I took a long shit, and I put it in. The point being, it's it's, it's. You see those guys when you're in there You shake their hand

You talk to them and you move the fuck on you don't want to talk to those morons You don't want that fucking IQ Just standing next to those guys You're IQ Dog you knew me dog He was a dumb fuck And I used to be to start clicking the kitchen So I took a shit in the toilet

I took it out complete Yeah the whole low The whole loaves stayed together Oh I thought you shit in the box I think I shit in the box I think I shit in the box I think I shit in the box Because it never broke

The shit was completely How crazy do you have to be the shit in the box? And it was perfect, because it was this thing. It was like a rose box that comes on roses? How many Karegs was it? No, no, no. You know the, you know the, do you know the fucking... Lee, did you get that South Park reference or no?

No, I don't do South Park. What did he say? Remember one fucking measured the turd fucking... Oh, yeah. I think it's Kierregg's a great episode. This was an American cheese box. You know those government cheese? I took a shit in the end.

You know what they put... You know when you go to a diner in the East Coast and they put a flag on an American flag on a BLT or something. I took it out. Like at I hop used to, they said that little flags. And I put the right in the middle of the shit, and I put the box in his jaw behind his clothes. And every day he'd walk around the barracks going,

man, anybody smell shit, or is it just me? And we would look at him like, oh, this guy don't know it. And he figured it out one day, and he saw the box. And he came into my room, and they goes, man, I know it was you shit, my fucking. A cheese box. I know it was you shit, my cheese box. There's some people that you.

You beat in life that do that shit to that they come back and tell you. This one time I robbed his Mexican kid. That was my roommate in Boulder when I first moved to Boulder. He just bothered me. Him of these other three momos with lip sync. They were friends because they would travel around and go to lip sync competition. In jail? No.

Oh, I was going to say. I went to jail. Okay, okay. I got you. I moved to the hill in Boulder, and there was three idiots living in an apartment. And they would go to not lip syncing contest. Air guitar contest. No. You live with air guitar people?

Please tell me you shit in their cheesebox. No, and the Mexican kid drove me crazy. He would always bother me. Man, you can't bring women over here and fuck them at night. Shut the fuck up. I brought two girls over there. One was a freak. And one night. He came to me and knocked on my door. So on there, see he left his... And said what?

He can't bring women here. He was jealous. So I went over there. I seen his door open and he was sleeping. Dog got tipped out in his room. I picked up the town. It was a hundred-dollar bill. I took it out. About a day later, he kept knocking on my dog. I worked in the sun for that hundred-dollar bill.

He kept saying to me, I'm like, I spent it. I didn't tell him, I spent it already, but I felt bad. But he was crying. You told him you robbed him, though. No, no, I kept saying. I don't know what you told him. Oh, okay. You never mentioned anything.

I had that saved up for an air guitar competition while it don't look like you're going. I'll give you a dollar. Play the guitar in the living room. They didn't get high. They did nothing, Brett Ernst. Just play air guitar? Oh, Air guitar?

guitar in the fucking living room at night with no shirts off a Japanese kid in Mexico and a white goofy fuck. How did you find these guys? I applied for it. It was $200 a month. The Japanese guy had on the payroll for a while. He paid for half your rent one month.

I was giving the fucking Japanese guy $220 a day to go to the store. Alfaas, cook and get food and cook healthy food for me. Why? But he would heat the other half. Because I got a law settlement. I had some dollars, so I didn't want to cook. I didn't know how to cook and I got sick and tiny.

Hey Lee, can you put the camera on yourself? I know. Look at the shape. There it is. There you go. Go ahead. Talk. So I used to pay him 20 bucks to go down to alfalfa's buy a half a pound of meat, some rice and vegetables. And he walked it up and he gives them to me and some pan. And he was a broke student. That's a good deal. Great fucking deal. Yeah. Strong deal. And then, but he was by the fucking book. Then the cops came. They knocked in the door.

They got mad. Then I left the next day. I was there for about a month and a half before the cops came. That's when he used to do credit cards. That was back in the day You can get away with that shit With the numbers and the fucking click click They used to sell the fucking carbons Back in the day The fucking carbons

That's what they give you the carbons We had this guy at the Don Carter's bowling alley That when we were kids If we had carbons he would take them And then he had this plastic thing Where you can fucking make the mold You know Well we just gave him the carbons

I remember this dude coming around We were playing football one time Asking if we had fire extinguishers If we want to make some money to get him fire extinguishers. We were kids. I'm like, what the fuck is we're getting fire extinguishes for, you know?

And then we had this one kid of ours. I don't like to throw the names out. I know you, I don't know. Joe doesn't mind. I know Joe doesn't mind, but he went and got some, and I guess it, there you go. There you go. That's for you and your fucking names, all right?

You know, it was funny. Wait, do you smell his way protein fart, right here coming out of it. I'm sure it's way. These are some fucking scallops. This is some scullis. This is some scullis. Mama May with some fucking fish Friday. With some spray.

Remember when you farted on stage one night, I fucking never laughed so hard in my life. When he was at the store and he's like, hey, hold on a second. And then he went, he went, then he went science. And then he went back in. Oh, dude, I was fucking cry. You got to stop them. Hold on, hold on, hold on. And then you fart, they can't recover from that.

I know. You stop them. The fart was the science on top of the fart. Oh, please. That's what. You're not going to fart and not leave it out of the science. That's a whole fucking patois, the whole thing. Lee, what's up with you, brother?

How are you feeling? I'm good. I'm really fucked up. No, no, no. Are you going to drive? You need a ride? No, I Uber. Don't give him nothing.

Fuck him. He gets no ride. He's a tough of nails. That's his problem. See, he already tapped out before he got it. I should tie him up and make him. And turn the lights off. And turn the lights off.

The cops are going to be out. Fucking pink floor. Come back every hour and put it on backwards until his head blows up. That's what he should do. You're lucky. I spoil you and I love you. If not, I'm not, I tie you up and toughin you up. And I'm sucking you up.

Whose vacuum is that? Mine. Where did you get that fucking thing from? It's mine. We haven't vacuumed in here since we moved in here. Thank you for vacuuming. You're a good fucking man. You're welcome.

I'll tell you that there's some fucking great pitches. A little charlouche Bronson and fucking Clint Eastwood. Fucking man. You got Uncle Joey. Fuck up there. Fuck that shit. No, I'm very happy I grew up like I did at times. I'm happy I had that little hustle.

So now I sit here sometimes. I look at this two-year-old little girl, and I'm trying to figure out how to explain it to her. I would wait. No, you have to fucking wait, but I don't think I'll be alive. I'm joking. You'll be alive, man. Every fucking day, you know, it's one less heartbeat. Oh, no.

I mean, you take good care of yourself, so, you know. You try. You drink water. You don't, you spray on butter like this fucking orthodella. You got mad for using spray butter today. You seem a lot of calories. Actually, real butter is better for you, man. It's better for you.

Why? Because it's more natural. I told you. The margarine shit will kill you, man. I told you, though. That's all chemicals. Uncle Joey fucking see the fucking crazy. Here's what I want you to do.

He goes home, makes tortellini, and put spray on and butter on. What the fuck's the purpose? This is what I'm fucking saying. It defeats its purpose. This is what I'm fucking saying. Bring it over here. But everybody says, no, you're being hard on them. I'm kind of fucking no more spread. Lee, listen, I want you to Google paleo diet.

Okay. All right. Follow that. It'll save your life. What don't you eat? You just don't eat grains. No bread. No, fucking.

No wheat bread eat? None of that shit. and no fucking, no dairy, but you can eat raw meat, chicken wings, but it's supposed to be like, you know. How many chicken wings? That's the clink of food. You can eat a fucking, you can eat 30 if you want. So we can start the Palo diet right after the five guests.

Absolutely. Right. Go right to big wings, right down the street. You can't eat fried chicken wings and just not eat cheese and lose weight. Yes, you do. Listen to me, look it up. Look it up. I'll look it up, but you can eat fried things.

You know what? I don't like naysayers. Yes, you can eat chicken wings. You go there tonight and eat 20 chicken wings. Not breaded. You can't eat the fucking blue cheese either. No, can't do that. You got to eat those things.

Well, then what's the point? I know. That's the thing. You lose a lot of patois. You got to go in and eat with fucking celery, right? You can eat celery. You get the celery and carrots. No, no mashed potatoes.

No, no potatoes. Sweet potatoes. If you're going to cheat, like, they recommend like one day you just fucking, you know, get it out of your system. And what do you do for carbs? Hey, use vegetables, man. It's a real simple carbs, man. Those are the best.

Because the grains, the way that the grains are, they're ground seeds. And, you know, seeds are not really... So no whole grain, no bread, no pasta. But if you're going to go... No whole grain pasta. I do brown... Like, when I do my cheat, I do brown rice. I lost about eight pounds.

What are you a Hindu? I don't give a fuck about brown rice. I have brown rice. No, they have brown rice. Listen to me. Brown rice pasta on my Hindu. They have brown rice pasta from Trader Joe's. Good?

It's fucking, man. It's good. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll try it. I don't get it far. I've been trying to... No shit.

Just look it up. A little marinerara? Yeah, but see, here's the thing is that if you do the brown rice pasta, that's when you're, you don't want to eat any grains. But if you're going to do it, sweet potatoes are good, baked potatoes are good, and brown rice pasta is good, you know. But just do it like once a week. Yeah, once a week. On a Sunday at 2 o'clock, nice. Little mariner.

After church. Like a doctor. Like a fucking gentleman. I don't want meat sauce no more. My wife makes a little marinera nice, little spicy to it. You're good. You're fucking good. I eat that.

Go meet. Let me get some fucking shoutouts. I'll get this party started real quick. Let's do it. I met a really nice girl. I got to pick my wife up. Tell your wife to relax. I met a really nice fucking girl.

She made a picture for us what I didn't bring, and she gave me a lighter. And she had a smile that would fucking, her and her husband came. Jennifer Jones, I love you to death up in Sacramento. Harold, cocksucker, I love you. I'm sorry by your mom, but hang in there, cocksucker.

You're a big boy now. Grab your balls. Just think of your mom every day. Go up there and fuck somebody in the ass. That's how it's done. Jaime, Jordan, I love you. Shut the fuck up, cocksucker. Braden Marseley, crazy Michelle Hurley.

I don't know who the fuck this is. Berg. Happy Recovery, much love, cocksucker. Mike Wilson Jr., Bobby Sharon and your beautiful girlfriend, and David Represza. I got you, cocksucker. Now what? What's up, buddy?

You see that picture I tweeted you? You're fucking at the Arizona Scottsdale? No, no. They got the picture of you at the House of Comedy. It's fucking nice. Come on. Yeah, it's right when you're going to the men's room. Come on.

I think I saw my Twitter somewhere They always put you near the men's room Yeah, you come in, it's a big fucking nice Uncle Joey picture You fucking faded in nice It's big, it's huge, it's like the size that Come on. You little fucking Joey collage Oh my God, see that?

Yeah How are you feeling, Lee? Not bad. I'm fucked up, but I'm good. I'm glad I Uber? Nah. Yeah. You could go out there and drive like a savage I don't know what you're scared of, cuck-suck-suck.

A $10,000 DUI? You're not going to get no DUI's as you're as tough as nails. What's coming up for you, man? I know the other day we spoke, and you said your pilot didn't get picked up. You shot a pilot for home. No, I was with NBC, and then it didn't get picked up. So, you know. What was the pilot?

It was called Mason Twins. Between you? That was last year. While you were shooting it, did you really think you had a chance? Because I'm shooting them, I'm like, boy, these things are bad. Here's a sad part. It's, you know, it did get picked up. There was a lot of anticipation about it.

It was like, you know, the one, you know, they say it's a good one to be on. But the kid that, the black kid, the heavy black kid that just passed away. A kid from Miller-like commercials. He was in there. And he was with us in it. And, dude, it was sad to see him die, man. That kid was fucking. Every time he opened his mouth.

He was funny. He was funny, man. What was he from? He's from Houston. He was a trained actor. What did he die from? I don't know. I don't know.

It's scared. Like, that's why sometimes I get down about going to the gym. But he was 36. It wasn't going to the gym? Huh? He wasn't going to the gym? It didn't look like it. I mean, he could have been, but, like, that's why, like, when I see that, it's like, I keep going.

Because, like, yeah, he was 36. He was young. Yeah, he was a young dude, man. It's, it's really weird when you shoot a pilot and your hopes and aspirations are up, and they're telling you that you got a chance, and then you're going. You're thinking in your mind all the different scenarios, and, like, going to get picked up as a fucking recurring. Now, I was booked as a regular, and then the year before that, I had one with Gary Cole, you know, the guy from office space in Talladega Nights.

Right, right, right. Fucking very talented actor And that was another one that What network was that? That was for Fox And then And I had a talk show for E that same year And that's what people don't realize

You know I'm looking at if both those things go I'm looking at a you know Damn near seven figure a year Going from you know Did you shoot the pilot for E? Yeah, shot them both Yeah

And what was the E talk show about It was this was years ago It was like a, it was a relationship show It was me A gay dude A straight chick and a lesbian So it was pretty much three chicks And me

and then we gave fucking... You get picked up. You have the hip-in. You have pimples with a fucking mark on your neck. We were giving a relationship advice. It was a good time, man. I mean, look, some of these shows you do, you're like, you know, you can say no. You know, I can read a script and say, I don't want to do it.

And, you know, you try and pick the ones that you think are the best. You still with the same age that dude, or you left them? I'm with Don Buckwell now. I went over to Don Buckwell. And they're real good. Yeah, yeah. They get you out for everything. Yeah, yeah, man.

That's really good that you... With Levity. I popped five pilots in a row. Chappelle had like 13, right, before one? I remember when I first moved here, they were giving Chappelle tons of money. Chappelle had one with the dude from Talk Soup that went on to become a big star.

Greg Kinnear. Greg Kinnear, that didn't get picked up. I mean, they weren't my pilots. I just shot them. What got me here was a big cop show on CBS with what's his name directing. It was a shoe one. It was their answer to NYPD,

Blue didn't get picked up. The only one that got picked up that they didn't hire me after was the Lewis Guzman show. I shot NYPD Blue 269 what the New York would be like in the year 20069. I shot a happy owl from the people from what's the fucking show or what's the two fucking idiots now that replaced what's his name on the fucking show. I have no idea what you're talking about. I'll figure it out.

No, what's the two and a half baby? Who replaced that? Ash and Coucher. What show did he come from? Seven of the 70s show. The same writers. When the 70s show rap, this was the next hot show. The chick went and bought a house.

The show got canceled after four episodes. That's sad, man. So I've been involved in all those. And it's a good little hope. It keeps you hoping. But then you said something beautiful in media on that. You go, you know what? Now I'm back on the road where I belong and I love it.

And you love it. Stand-up's my 401K and it's what I do. It's what I love to do. At the end of the day, that's the thing. You can't take that away from us. You amass an audience. you could say what you want to say and be as expressive as possible

and still try and make a living. I mean, 35 weeks a year takes its toll. I'd like to be hitting those theaters. I would like to do Friday Saturday. So you're really doing 35 weeks? Absolutely, man. I mean, I just left Birmingham.

I leave for Denver on Wednesday. So you're doing three weeks a month? Yeah, pretty much, man. No shit. And you're still in a relationship? Absolutely. But I got to go get my wife now. Go get it.

I love you to that. Where are you at this weekend? This weekend I met Comedy Works in Denver. Okay. Not downtown, the one in the suburb one, which is the green. They got you in the black name. The guy with the fucking,

get the thing. With the thing, the whole thing is to jump up and down. They call me if you get locked up, man. We'll come get you. Okay. No, I have you. I love you, brother.

Thank you for coming on. I love you, Joe. You're the fucking best, man. You are really. So are you, man. Thank you very much for coming on. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. Let me go give Lee a hug. Stay black. Give Lee a big hug. Look at him. Look at him. He could tell him his eyes.

He needs the biggest hug ever. He's in shock and shit. He don't know nothing. We're going to eat another fucking stop. Next week we're doing heroin on the fucking show next Monday. We're going to end them. Love you, Uncle Joe. Love you, buddy.

Thank you very much. I don't want to do heroin. You got to do something once. I'm happy you guys. I'm happy you guys. Go ahead, brother. Check me out. Just go to brett-e-E-R-N-S-T-R-N-S-T-com.

It's called The Bread-E-E-R-E-N-S-S-S-E-S-C-L, but we just do like top-10 lists and argue. stupid shit. I got to have you on. Okay. We could do top 10 fucking disco artists of all time. Keep me posted. Sylvester's number two. The black fags from fucking, whatever this fuck. I love that motherfucker. You make me feel

mighty real. In fact, that's what we're closing with tonight. What's happened? You bad motherfuckers. Sacramento, I had a great time this last week. I'm sorry I didn't mention you guys. It really was great. The week before I was in Cleveland. This last three week got fucking, I was tired, but you guys

made it great. Thank you very much. for being great audiences. And this Thursday night, do not forget him on the last, this is not happening with Ari Safee. I need this favor for you guys to DVR. There's a personal favor for me. Hopefully they'll see that there's fucking action here and they'll put me on comedy essential a lot more,

but it's up to you guys. Do me that fucking solid, huh? It's a good story. Yeah, you know, it was a heartfelt story that I hid for a long time. I always had people go, yeah, but you had it hard. You grew up on the streets. No, I had a little bit of help. And I did what I could with it, and I always, I never forgot who she was.

But the story was beautiful, that she was my mother's friend. She made a promise to my mother in the casket, and she fucking did it. A lot of people can't keep a promise from people alive. Never mind when people are dead to judge them, you know. So at the end, things happened how they did, and I always felt guilty about that. So me saying the story is my, I'm sorry to her, wherever the fuck she is, you know what I'm saying? Why are you fidgeting fully? Everything, all right, I'm saying.

It's a mixture that sounds cool. It sounds cool. Don't worry about nothing. Stop fidgeting. I'm talking to you. You're moving around. How are you feeling good? I'm really fucked up.

Fuck yeah. You're fucked up. And I feel good too. But that's the story on Thursday night. So I appreciate it. Plus, I want Ari's show to get picked up. It's not even about me or whatever. I want a show to get picked up.

This is a great idea. It always has been. And it's up to you guys to keep it on the air. So do me this favor. This is not happening on Comedy Central. Put it on their fucking DVR. And they have it on YouTube. If you don't have cable,

you can watch it on comedy. Central.com or on YouTube. Why don't you tell them that? They're not supposed to know them. No, it's good if they don't have cable. But who gives the fuck? These people have cable. Not everybody. So you want to sell the DVR to them? A lot of people don't have cable.

Please. Okay. This was a marketing thing. You never give them the aftermath. I need them to turn the DVR on. Okay. You follow me? I don't need them to aftermath. I thought they want everybody. No, you didn't think. I'm telling them right now.

I don't want, I need for them to turn a DVR on. Okay. Yeah, I don't need for them to go on Comedy Central.com. I need for them to turn the fucking DVR. That's what gets more viewers. That's what get his show picked up. Oh, I didn't know. Okay.

But what the fuck you go on with you, Cuck Sucker? Sit there and stare at the microphone. You did it for two hours before. You were sitting there like it's a black dick coming at you. I had to go over a couple times and go, what the fuck you're looking at, cuck, sucker? So please, turn the DVR. And don't listen to fucking Jamoco over here. Don't listen to me.

The next day, you could turn in the fucking Comedy Central. That night, just turn the DVR on, even if you're fucking erase it the next day. You understand my mind? I feel. understand why I was coming from. There's a method to my madnessly. You see me over here on the mushroom. You try to interrupt me.

You get me off my fucking thought. You know how I'm feeling? I'm feeling how you're fucking feeling, cuck, sucker. I don't think so. I'm not in the 6,000 milligram star. Take a bite of that motherfucker. It's two.

It's Monday. I love you guys. Let me give some spot out. Shoutouts to these great sponsors. Iron Dragon TV.com. Listen, they got an ultra-fix 4K ultra-network on there. You can watch some of that

fucking martial art films. You should see Lee's eyeballs right now. You can watch their martial art films in 4K already. I don't know how many movies are there, but it's fucking tremendous. They have more coming every day.

They have the Mandarin magician. I got Brian Cushin's fucking shoulder exercises. I got a bunch of shit on there on Iron Dragon TV. They just don't do just classic martial arts. I mean, that's the main reason to fucking go there. You know what I'm saying?

Do me a favor. Go to iron dragonTV.com right now. I'm pressing. Joey. Boom! And what do you get, Lee? You get two free movies. Jesus fucking Christ on a crush. Two free movies just to get the party started, correct? Have you been on that, Andrea?

I have. I just got, he just gave me, I just went and got my Roku. It's awesome. And they have a bunch of free ones, which are really cool. If you, like, a bunch of the older stuff, but then use your code on some of the new stuff. They have a bunch of new, like, Tai Chi Hiro, like, he always shows us when we go. Right. It's great.

It looks really good. Yeah. The 4K technology is fucking sensational. You know, it's not on all the movies yet, but Iron Dragon TV is the way they go. What do they press? Joey. Stop scratching your head and get two free movies.

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I mean, I'm sick and tired of fucking telling you this. From AlphaBrain, go ahead, Lee. He's going to say AlphaBrain.com. From AlphaBrain to fucking NUmoo to Shroom Tech. They got the shit that killed Kennedy. You understand me? So do me a favor. Go to fucking, go to fucking honor.com right now.

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And get 20% off your... first order with a guarantee a spring break something happened you call Dave they fucking ship it to you no drama also Hittie Siggs how can you lose it these motherfuckers I've been smoking this cigar on night for a minute there I thought it was a Vana on the set of Godfather

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I want to thank my sponsors. What's up, Cox? What you got going on next week? For this week? I got nothing. I'm going to tripping on the mushroom. I'll drink some coffee and smoke some weed with you. You're not hungry?

No, we'll smoke some ash. I'm not smoking a hash, right? I got some weed for you. I got a piece of hash, why don't you want to smoke no ash, don't you trust it? All right, let's at least go through the list of what I had today. What did you have to? Those gumies, Hermanus, half a star? No, you didn't have a half a star.

I had a quarter of a star. I gave you a little, not even, I gave me. I gave you one little sergeant strap. Yes. And then half of those gummies, which is $1.20. I didn't give you no half of gummies. And then I gave you a fucking. Your bugger mushrooms.

I gave you a little piece of mutton. The mushroom was strong. Oh, I know. It's strong as fun. That's right. No fucking spray butter no more. I'm going to your house tomorrow. I better be there.

I just got a new bottle. You did? You're disgusting. You know that? I don't know why you eat that shit. You got a fucking your assholes in the bleed. I've always used spray water. It's in 20.

My mom. always used to get it. Oh, Jesus Christ. What? I mean, she got butter sometimes. This is what I got to deal with. The motherfucker who grew up on spray butter. You know what I'm saying? Motherfucker grew up on spray butter. You people see why I'm getting older by every day.

I got to go dye my fucking hair for a commercial. I got this fucking guy. I'm trying to fucking take under my wing to become a future savage killer. Oh, so what is it. Did you just fight? No, not yet. What was that? Nothing.

I don't know. I'm already excited. Do you say I got to deal with? Look at him. When I went to ISIS, getting to him, smacking them, hitting him with his dead dick in the face, he's going to be giggling.

But that's always what you say. You say, I have to give these edibles in case ISIS comes over and steals. Like, when is ISIS going to make me do all these edibles? Because that's what they do before you kill you. To get information from you, you'll be you're already used to it. Your levels of T.HC.

You're just going to tell Isis to suck your dick and spit in their face like Tony Montana in the shower scene. You know what I'm saying? They're selling that house. What? They're selling that house. So buy it. What are you telling me?

Like $30 million. Well, fucking put it on your tab. You got a bunch of money. I love you, cocksuckers. Don't forget about me. Where am I this weekend? Nowhere. I'm fucking home.

How's that for you? Do me that favor on Thursday night. Turn on your DVR. Don't worry about what Lee said. Fuck what I said. No comedy. Thank you. Go on YouTube the next day.

Go fuck yourself. And if you had turned the DVR on. Turn your neighbors' DVR on. Yeah, tell the neighbors, even if they don't like Joey Diaz and I already turn the fucking thing on, even if they don't like Joey Diaz. Do me that favor, all right? Anything else to leave you want to tell these fucking people? No, I want to tell him I'm fucked up.

You gotta break my fucking balls all day. Yeah, that's my job. I love you guys. Thank you for watching the church of what's happening. Now we'll be back Thursday at 2 o'clock with Stephen Bauer. Put some music on, God's second. I am. And we got one more star to eat.

I'm going to eat another star. We've got to eat another star. Oh, you're so crazy. Look at this fucking thing. I know, 6,000 milligrams. Don't you open that? Oh, I know that's not the 6,000 milligram. Oh, this smells just like.

Oh, you're crazy. Put it up to the camera. I did. Look at how many. The camera, that's a microphone. It's kind of the fucking evil eat this fucking moot. Put the music on me. I have to do the ads, Roos.

You're fucking killing me. 2 o'clock Thursday. Okay. Five o'clock East Coast. 9'clock seconds. Look at this fucking moot. All right. Let's turn him off.

And him off. All right. I also want to give a shot out. To Axis's rolling papers, these little brooch clip they sent us, gonna try them out this weekend. That's it. You gonna say goodbye? I was trying to, but then you kept saying stuff.

What about the fucking... Hello, goodbye. Nothing for these people. Talks up. I'm trying to, but you keep talking. I ain't talking. I don't. All right.

Go to honor.com and use code church to get 10% off of all of their optimization products. Why's your voice cracking? Like Michael Jackson is. Because I'm trying to say this and not freak out. Freak out. Yeah. I'm really high.

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