The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #266 - Steven Bauer, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: March 20, 2015

Steven Bauer, Actor, most notably played Manny Ribera in Scarface, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. 
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Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. 
Recorded live on 03/20/2015.
 Music:
 If Your Girl Only Knew - Aaliyah Aqua Que Va A Cer - Patato Y Totico

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Oh shit. Just as you thought it was safe. Kicking off the weekend. The church of what's happening now. Joey Diaz, Lee Syatt, and my main man, Steve Bauer. Oh shit. Kick this motherfucker, Lee.

Kick it. If your dick's not getting hard right now, jump off the fucking bridge. Listen to this shit. What? Oh shit. This Friday, the 28th of the month, and you're still sitting around.

Lee Syac got a star on him. I got four stars in me. No, you don't. Yes, I do. What happens to do? Fuck it. Where the hell you've been? I've been here.

Where have you been? You know me. Trying to put the pieces together every day. Trying to do something new. Something exciting. Thank you for switching on today, 1 o'clock. Friday, my main man in the house, Stephen Bauer. What's happening, beautiful?

California honey. That's what's happening. California, honey. It kills the fucking pot. They eat the pollen. So that'll take down the allergies a little bit. I'm not a big California. guy, but what I do is I put it on a dish, and what I'm going to offer Cé, la Caleale Core, I taste it

because she got poisoned one time. So before you offer like a lot of acolyte, honey, you always have to taste in front of it. So she sees you not poison. And that little thing on Mondays takes care of my allergies for the week. No. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah.

And I'm not a big honey guy, but you got to do what you got to do. I'm not a big honey guy. Not in tea or nothing like that? Yeah. I'm getting there. I'm getting there. Yeah, my girlfriend, she is a big proponent of honey. She's done a lot of research.

And so we, you know, we go to farmers markets and we find different types of honey. I went to one in Culver City, you know, where the Cubans live, Culver City, Farmers Market. And this guy had like all kinds of wild. Wild honey, like, and California honey. And we picked up some different pieces, like, and they all have different flavors. To me, it all tastes like honey. It all tastes like honey. The texture of honey is a texture of honey is the texture of honey.

The texture of honey is the texture. It's sweet, you know what I mean? And I'm a salt guy. So, you know, I have to work a little to get there. But, you know, but I'm not resisting. I'm not resisting, especially since my eyes are all messed up because of the, the, you know, the cats and the allergens, you know, the cat, the pet dander. The danders.

Yeah. Yeah, well, we got two Bengal, big bengal cats thinking that they were hyperalogenic. Because she and I are both pretty allergic to cats. But we love the animals, you know, and they're very, very freaking cute, you know. But, you know, some days you just got to keep them in the other room or else you're, it's a sneeze vest, you know, or I'm crying, you know, and it's not even a sad movie. Hey, you want to, you want to solve that?

Yeah. You're ready? You put collars on them? I do. Collars? Collars? And you take them outside and you hold them by the collar and you brush them. Oh, yeah.

And you get the, you get the, don't get the brush as much as the whisk. It's like a whisk with little sharp teeth. So you're a cat person? Yeah, I love my cats. And you pet them with that, and that takes that heavy dander off them. And then you brush them. And you know what? You're outside in the sun.

They like the sun? They love that fucking balcony, man. They love the balcony. The balcony is their life. Sometimes I let them out on the balcony, and they sit there, and they breathe, and they get in the sun. The thing is, they get a whiff of other fucking cats. Then they go on the house and there's a fucking wall.

I'm on the fifth floor. So they ain't smelling shit. No, that's tremendous. All they're doing is looking down at, you know, to hunger. Yeah, no, it's great. You have them and you brush them with their whisk, and then you brush them with the regular brush,

and your allergies will come full effect, but at least you're outside, and you're breathing. And you know what, it's like flogging. It's like I go to Jiu-Jitsu and I can't breathe on the bottom. So now when I go to Jiu-Zitsu, I force myself to get people on top of me, and two years later, and now I last two minutes on the bottom. Wow. Because I forced myself to go through that anxiety.

Wow. But you're not getting, you're not getting pants. Wait, wait, wait, you're not getting penetrated or anything. No, no, no, nobody's penetrating here. This ass is two. This leg weighs 80 pounds. You gotta pick this fucking hook up. And that one 50-year-old cheek, that weighs another 22 pounds.

You got to hold me down and pick up that cheek. It's never going to happen. That's, I'm working on my too because, you know, I got a young girlfriend. And she's like, come on, we gotta get that butt back up, you know. It's tiny, you know. It's, like, really small. Like, I used to have a Cuban ass. but now I got like kind of a white boy ass.

No, you got older. That's it. The ass drags. You're not doing squats anymore. Yeah, exactly. You got handsomer and shit, you know. Yeah, I know. I know.

But I'm going, yeah, I moved to a building where, and on a floor where the gym is 40 feet away. So I have no excuse, Joey. I have no excuse. I could walk out my door and stumble into the gym. You know? And then the pool is on the, the same deck.

Like, the pool is 70 feet away, the gym is 40. So there's no fucking reason why I'm not exercising every day, every day. But, you know, life is life and you have other stuff to deal with. It's 20 minutes of your day. It's funny because you just got off the phone with your mother. Your mother left your message. Yeah, yeah. So she's got to be kicking 75 right now?

77. Okay, 77. Your dad? My dad just went into the next world. I'm sorry. I know something. You had a... Bless his heart.

Yeah, we were there in December. He passed on the Jim Morrison's birthday. What was his age? 82. So, let's face it. You have a good fucking blood. Yeah. You're going to be around for a while.

Help it a little bit. I'm much stronger. Ten push-ups. Ten sit-ups. A little bit on a threat. I'm 52 and I'm 100 pounds overweight. Yesterday I went to Jiu-Jitsu. I didn't feel like I sweat enough.

So I have two kettlebells in the car because I'm like you. I'm Cuban. It's in our jeans. You know what? Some days, bro. I want to work out like a motherfucker, but I don't want four walls around me. So I go to North Hollywood Park, and I go by a tree, and I bring water, and you go to fucking five guys by thing, by Laurel Canyon.

Tomorrow when you go to the farmer's market on Sunday, and you go to Laurel Canyon, there's a sporting goods. Go in there and tell them I want a 16 kilo, no. No, not kilos. Tell them you want a 12-kilo kettle belt. It's 24 pounds. Oh, yeah, and you carry it? You go to that little North Hollywood Park at 10 o'clock.

I'm solito. For yourself. This isn't for nobody. This is what people understand. This is for you. The phone stays in the car. Everything stays in the car. It's 20 minutes for Stephen Bauer.

You go to North Hollywood Park under a tree, because this is what your family did 200 years ago on that fucking island. There was no Jewish thing. There was gold jam and fucking pat-a-thafel. No, you were outside. They're on Thaiso. Remember what's the guy on TV that goes to different places? Anthony Bourdain.

The second time he went there. No, not Anthony. Was it Anthony? time he went and they showed him a Cuban dude that bent metal outside and no no and and and you can hear the guy saying me don't know take mao because he thought he was a Chinese a Cuban Bruce Lee yeah and he would burn metal and he would stick nails I like working out outside yeah it's my natural habit if I go to a gym and I'm going to last in that gym I like to play tennis yeah play racquetball you're right there I throw the football yeah I love to I love to hit baseballs and and softball and I like to I love to hit baseballs and

and field and throw the ball and shit. It's just you have to get in the groove. You've got to start it and then get in the groove. Or else you're at home fucking around. But I do it from my mind. I don't do it from my mind. And you know over in North Hollywood Park, they have a little area with machines that you can do pull-ups

and sit-ups and bicycle. It's fucking amazing. All-bodyweight exercise. Listen, I'm two blocks. No, I'm one block. I can see the park. from my, the Magnolia part. The Magnolia part.

Yeah, right there. Right. And they're painted them blue? That's the one right there. And they have a sandlot. They have a few like a backstop. Baseball fields there. There's a kid park there.

It's awesome. They actually have a pool, but I don't know about that pool. Do they have a pool there? Yes. Yes. They have a plunge. I take the baby there. It's fucking cold.

It is. Oh my fucking God. You got to wait until July. Yeah, but the Pasadena one is very nice. But you got a pool in the building. Yeah, I got a pool in the building. The Pasadena one has the USC. Oh, really?

With the football. The Olympics. I don't want to be around no football players. No, no, no. But they have swimming programs. They have swimming programs in the morning. That civilians go up there and they swim. They have running programs.

But you got to remember, you got to deal with the fucking 134 at 6 in the morning. And that's why I haven't gotten involved with it because that's their being guy. You got to get on that 134 at 8 in the morning. So I know people who do it. Frankly, Joey, I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that from the moment, from the time, that I've moved into the building which overlooks the park

I have not been to the park. I'm embarrassed. It's so embarrassing. They sell coffee or they soak off a seat across free from the park. You could walk over there. There's a new lady who makes cake pops and little coffees there. That's a new neighbor.

They're really trying to build it up. But that North Hollywood Park Lee, how many times have I told you? When I can't feel it. The post office is right there. Post office, when I want to write comedy and I can't feel it, I take my car, I take the 24.

I have 2.35 pound kettlebells. I take a water, and I carry them. I walk around with the weights, and I put them down when I get tired. You buy yourself an 8-pound ball, just a ball, and you do push-ups against the tree. Yes, true. Your shirt goods dirty, and you know what? The whole thing, people pay thousands of dollars. They get a suntan.

You get the best suntan in the world because you're sweating, and the sun's burning your natural oil off you. You're there for 20 minutes. You go home. You're like, what the fuck? Where was I in Jamaica? And there's a tree. So you sit next to the tree. The tree is where you do the sit-ups.

You hold your legs up to the tree. I make a line and I throw the kettlebell there and I start swinging. There's somebody right now that's saying I saw them Sunday. Sunday I got off a plane in Sacramento. I only did cardio all weekend. I said, you know what I want to get my heart pumping? I got in the car, the baby fell asleep.

I went under the North Hollywood. I went under a tree. I took a water. I took the eight-pound ball. I went under a tree. I did. Sacramento? No, right there, right now.

When I came back from Sacramento. I took the 25 pounder. I did squats with the kettlebell in front of the five sets of 15. How old is it your baby? Two years old, bro. I'm 51, so please, we both have issues. Wow, wow. And then I did 10, five sets of 12 to 15 swings.

That almost gave me a heart attack. And then I did three sets of cleans where you pick them up, bah, and you put them back, bye. I did three sets of 20 push-up thing. It's 40 minutes, 35 minutes, and I burn 400 calories probably. I get in the car and right around the corn. there's a gym. Okay? Oh, yeah? Okay, listen to me, guys.

If you go on Ventura, if you go on Lancashire, and you pass Magnolia, and you're headed towards Universal City, there's a dance studio. You always see beautiful girls coming out of there. Next to the dance studio, there's a fucking gym. Yeah, I know it. I know it. It's across the street from the movie theater. Pull into that. From NoHo 7. Pull into that fucking parking lot. No, no, no, no. Down more.

You're passing Magnolia. Oh, past Magnolia. And there's a world gym, right? Oh, you're talking about 24-hour fitness, no. No, no, no, hey, it's across the street, right? It's, like, right across the street, it looks like almost like a one-floor. Right, there's a one-floor gym. It's open until midnight.

But back there, there's two Thai ladies. There's a Thai lady and a husband and her daughter and her son. You get him to walk on your back? No, bro. You go in there, you're giving fucking five bucks, and you get a natural squeeze juice or a green tea with espresso, a little protein powder. No, no, they're eating. I look at that and chocolate syrup.

She makes protein powder of milkshakes She has green tea Dragging green tea that you drink it And you see the weight fall off you As it goes down She says she lost 40 pounds Drinking one cup of this dragging green tea It's like doing meth

It gets you gone but you don't feel it You don't feel it Your body's just churning So she's got dragging green tea in there This bro When I tell you I wouldn't tell you You're my brother You're gonna give me the address

No right down Lancashim World Gym you go on the back As I was walking in Cosby kid was walking out. A lot of people work out in there. The guy in the morning is very good for actors. But next to it, there's a little coffee shop behind the gym. It's open until fucking midnight.

And they sell Thai salad. Like yesterday I went in there how to run out because they were making something with curry. I don't fucking, I'm allergic to curry. I don't like smelling curry. You told me I smelled like hummus the other night when I didn't smell like hummus. It would get me dizzy going down fucking Laurel Canyon. You can't eat hummus and get in the car. You know, because then you smell like people with beard.

No, no, no, no. You had me all confused. I said to you, you've been eating hummus. You go, yeah. No, no. And you go, I ate some hummus. Now, how do I fucking know that you? What did you eat tonight for dinner?

Would you ask me almost every night? And then I told you I had some hummus. You know, oh, that's, you smell like hummus. I smelled, though. I took a shallow, right before it. Banzhou beans. There's no garlic in it. Yeah, but you got to be choosy with your hummus.

Yeah. You can eat with the Israelis eat, which is cool. Oh, yeah. Or you can eat what they eat in the desert. No, I only, I only fuck with Israeli hummus. No, he had some shit. This guy got set with him. He got food poisoning.

Sushi on low because he went on yelps. I did not get food poisoning. He gave me a strong fucking edible and I puked. That's a giant edible, by the way. No, it's not even an edible. It looks like it's fucking starfish.

6,000 milligrams. So we each eat half a wing and we get fucked up for 13 hours. I think I'll save it for my musician. You can save it for your musician, son. But I think I had one of those ones. I think I had one with him. I think I had one with him one night.

And we were like writing music and composing. And suddenly it was like five in the morning. It's very good for music. Very good for creative. With coffee and a couple cigars or a cigarette, you're off and fucking running. Let me tell you. And no smoke. No, no smoke.

Let me tell you what I got. Let me tell you what happened with me. I re-hooked up with my uncle in Glendale. he's 76 years old when you touch my uncle he's solid he walks five miles a day at griffitt park

then he goes to his bar his bar is on western and vermont it's jeffeson all the way down there he's the doorman on the weekends at this fucking bar the mexican bar where he sells to just illegal people when they come over the border to drink

and they got no green card that's where they go and they pay $7 of hyniquin and $7 of Budwell My uncle's a rapist. They have like an old bowl now. They turn into a dance hall, and he brings up bands from Mexico. Who do you think is rolling around the floor with them on the weekends? My uncle.

My uncle hits the fucking bag. My uncle's had cancer for 10 years, and he's living because he eats organically, bro. Wow. So he was telling me about my mother had nine brothers and eight brothers and sisters. It was nine all of them. There's only two of them that die. The rest of them are all in their 80s and 90. The ones that stayed in Cuba.

The ones that stayed in Cuba and the ones that went to Venezuela. Oh, yeah. They live in Venezuela. They live like they're 80 and they go around. They ride bicycles. When I heard that, it inspired me. I try to lose weight. I eat better.

I don't eat bread. I don't eat I'm eating whole-brain pasta. Yeah. You try. Listen, we cannot eat a picala like we used to. No, no. You cannot. That's definitely for sure.

And the hardest thing for me, the challenge for me, is to not eat the food that looks good because I already know. that I do better with like no gluten. I do better, but I do make exceptions. My girlfriend, she's disciplined. So she's going to live forever. But the point is that I'm on it and I've lost 20 pounds. Not from exercise, just from eating better.

Now I've got to start exercising, workout, and like tone everything up. But I'm still, you know, I mean, I'm still strong. but well you said something interesting earlier that you have to I forget how you worded it but it was like you have to start you gotta get in the groove get in the groove exactly yeah I didn't work out for the first 25 years in my life but now if I miss a day or two

it feels like I can feel it and I feel bad and Joey even the workout you were talking about you're 100 pounds overweight but you've been working out for a while like some people like I've been talking with this guy on Twitter he just started working out thinking about doing 40 minutes is unimaginable. So even if you do five minutes,

10 minutes, it's better than doing nothing. Last weekend I was in Sacramento, what I call you and say to you? Do a push-up? No, I told you the Sacramento story where the last time I was at that club was the first time I ever got an elliptical machine. I was hitting the bag. I got the bicycle and I lift weights

and I had a guy at the Wyoming machine. I said, Joey, get on the elliptical machine. I go, that's not for me. But one day by myself, you know, when you're a fat dude, You have insecurities also. Yeah, the elliptical. There was an elliptical, and there was a treadmill.

Yeah. And it was by myself, and that's all they have at this gym in Sacramento. Wow. And I got on the elliptical, and I did seven minutes. And I was scared. Like, I thought my heart was going to blow up, but I went back to the next day. I did nine, and I went back to third then. I did 12.

And ever since then, I've been the elliptical. Now, this week, I went on and did 40 both days, like nothing. Is it, do you move stuff? Yes, you move it. You move it. Absolutely. That's the one that's like a ski. Right.

It's a ski. And they have programs that are fucking tremendous. The programs are where it's at. But you have to be able to understand computers. No, no, no, no. They have the fucking things right there. Walking, hiking. You want to go to Bolivia and walk the mountains with Sosa?

It has it right there. You press the button and it takes you up the hill. It monitors your heart rate. It monitors. I usually go sometimes and I have a heart rate for the cell phone. I do that. I have a heart rate that John sent me. Yeah, the heart rate.

Yeah. So you have to watch all these. Do you get a little bit closer? We can't even... You're burning calories. And you're burning calories, but you're also getting your heart rate up for a few minutes a day. You know, and that's... It's called aerobic exercise.

Yeah. My dad was really into that, but then, you know, he just... He got hurt. He got hurt playing paddle, you know, a racquetball or squash. Or squash, as they call it in Miami. Equash. And then he couldn't work out. And, you know, because he had that normal kind of diet, that normal Cuban diet, at six feet tall, he's still putting on a stomach like this.

You know, he put on a big tummy, and it was impeding his breathing. That's what it does to me. That's why you got to lose me. Every 10 pounds I lose, I feel I breathe better. You breathe better, right? Leave, let me ask you something. What did you eat at the Cuban joint yesterday? Oh, my God.

What did you eat for? Which one? What place? What was? You went to porthos. Portals, yeah. We got... Paul and her mom got Cuban sandwiches,

but I had Pond and the steak, Kompi steak. Panko bitty. Oh, my God. And it was, like, marinated steak with, like, these crispy potato sticks on the bottom and this garlic.

Yeah. Oh, my God. And the lettuce and the tomato when you bite into that, yeah. See, I would eat that every day, except that now I don't eat white bread. You can't eat white bread.

And the bread. Speaking of the bread. It was soft. So do you wait? or what? What did you have with it? Nothing. Nothing. Just a Cuban sandwich. And that's kind of what I wanted to talk about. Yes, in theory, I shouldn't have had that sandwich.

But I wanted to get quoketters. I wanted to get potato balls. You did phenomenal. You did it way better. Yeah, that was disappointing. Do me a favor. Go back to 19 when you got here from Cuba. Let the people at home know. No, I got here at three. Three like I did.

But let the people know when you were six, just so they don't think I'm lying to them. break down a Cuban die and then I'll tell you my dad what's for breakfast at your house for breakfast at my house we would have you know my mom and we were poor like poor my dad was a pilot and he was working freight like cargo and he was also

working in in Africa like he was with missionary service he wasn't getting paid shit you know he wasn't making money he was with the CIA except you know and and and he was trying to help you know the help Africa not fall to communism. Basically, that's what he was doing.

He's one of those Cuban pilots. And he couldn't get hired by the airline because he didn't have a college education or American military training. So he's like, he could be the greatest pilot in the United States, but he couldn't get hired by Pan American. But even pilots on airlines don't make much money I've heard. No, but they did eventually.

Eventually they got there. Okay. But let me tell you, he'd come home with nothing. And he'd be gone for three weeks or four weeks. So my dad was the stranger, the big guy that would come home all fucking mad at the world. I didn't really like him.

I grew to love him. But he was always pissed off. And my mom was existing. We were existing, my little brother and myself, on a public school education salary. Public school educator salary, which in those days was, what? Whatever they made,

you know, a year. you know, $11,000 a year, you know. I mean, nothing. They were making $1,000 a month or something. Maybe. In Miami. In Miami. Where were you living in Miami?

In West Miami, in South Miami, Southwest Miami, Westchester. Westchester. Westchester. Coral Gables. I used to stay in the falls. You stay in the falls. That's further south. And it's nicer than where I lived.

I lived in the suburbs, which was near where they built the university, FIU, which is now a great, great university. but eventually I was able to go to the University of Miami also on a student loan okay you know because I was ethnic because I had a I was from a I was from Cuban background so I somebody helped me apply for this Cuban loan

this loan which I eventually had to pay back once I came out to Hollywood I had to pay them back eventually and but my mom would somehow put together a diet that had meat and eggs and potatoes and plantains.

So we would have breakfast that was like eggs and bacon and, you know, like all kinds of stuff. The only problem with my diet was that my mom, my mom didn't introduce us to vegetables because we didn't like them. And we were really, really. And my mom wasn't about to, like, be like the strict enforcer. She was, she was a kid herself. She was, you know, 22 years old. and my brother and I were, you know, three or four, five, six years old. And she was going to school.

She got her education at Dade South, at Dade Community College. And then she went to the University of Miami, and she graduated with honors. But that didn't help her fucking teachers pay. That didn't help her make any more money. And so we always were just surviving, just surviving. And we'd look at other kids who'd have, like, everything. And we'd be like, fuck. and even my dad at one point in the 70s

when his pilot friends started taking jobs underground jobs to fly a plane from here to Colombia pick something up and come back from Columbia and make $50,000 and my dad had never ever seen $50,000 but his friends were getting rich and he'd say like I can't do it

I can't do it because if I get pinched if I go to jail you guys have grown up like fucking orphans. You know, it better to be poor. So he never took that chance. And I swear to God, at least 10 of his friends got rich in the cocaine trade in Miami.

And he didn't. He stayed that guy, you know. And so I always was a little bit resentful like, like, fuck, dad, just one time, you know. But he's, you know, for what it's worth, he, you know, he kept his integrity

and he didn't He didn't bend in that area. And we may do. I had jobs in high school and after high school and college. And then I went to the theater and then I started getting, and then I got, What Happa USA? So I started making a living and being able to like turn money over to my parents. Do you think being less well off helped you as an adult?

Because I grew up in a rich town, but I was not poor, but not anywhere near that. and I see some of my friends who I grew up with who were super wealthy, like the wealthiest of the wealthy, and they can't get jobs and all that stuff. So do you think that might have... Well, there's something to be said about creating a work, or being instilled by your parents, by the people that raise you, a work ethic and an understanding of money

and of what it is to not have money and what it is to earn money. know, in order to live comfortably, not to be fucking rich, but to live comfortably. And I'm saying this as someone who I believe, you know, it's like if you can be rich, fucking go for it. Right. You know what I mean? And all I know is that the money I've made making, you know, making movies and television,

I live not like an asshole. You know, I don't buy Ferraris. And I've never had a Ferrari, you know, which doesn't make it, I'm not saying guys who do that are not assholes. but I'm just saying I'm not that way. I just like to be able to take my girl or take my mom or take my brother out and pay for dinner. Or take my girl to the mall and buy $1,000 worth of fucking cool shit, you know, for her. Or buy myself three pairs of really nice jeans and two nice shirts.

But I've never bought a car. Never. Joey, never. I've never had that car You know and I've had the money But I'm just not that guy Because my dad wasn't You know

And maybe it's a flaw I don't think so my dream My entire dream is to make enough money Where for average things Like dinner I don't have to look at the price Like I There's nothing worse than looking at the price on the menu Okay I can't get the $50 steak

I'll get the $20 chicken That's not that bad But my goal is to not have to do that Yeah, exactly. I don't need a Ferrari. I'd like it, but that's my goal. And I have friends, and I have friends who are that rich, who are that rich, where they never let you pick up a check. You know, I like to pick up a check because I can now.

But, you know, if you go out to dinner with, if you're one of eight people, you know, you and you're, and you're a woman and you're one of like four or five couples, and your buddy is picking up the check always never lets you like contribute or anything. You know, they're okay, you know, like they're doing better than you. Once you make it without money for a long, like when I was 25 and 24, I was like any other 24-year-old man. Yeah. I wanted to have a Ferrari, test a Rosa. Yeah, yeah.

I want to go to bars and snort blow and blow coke rocks of chicks assholes. I wanted to do all that craziness. Then I came to the conclusion. one day that it wasn't going to be me. I wasn't going to be that big drug dealer. I wasn't going to be that. Right. And you weren't going to do prison time. And I did it. No, I ended up doing it. I tried to kidnap somebody. For Coke,

I tried to do a tumbe. Oh, fuck it. Yeah. Oh, please. Wow. Oh, yeah. He loved the voicemail. What? He loved the voicemail. I kidnapped here. They left the voicemail because I had him called to the podcast and I apologized. You kidnapped him in tomb. For a tombé. That went bad, you know.

Like that. Like that. Hush. A machine gun. No, no, no, that was not. We took it from one room to the other. That's all. So in Scarface, when they take Tony from the hotel into the bathroom, that's kidnapping. Oh, that's it.

That's kidnapping. Kidnapping is not, I call your wife and say, I got Stephen here. Give me $50,000. That's what we thought. When I turned myself in it and they told me that, I go, what are you talking about kidnapping? I didn't call nobody. Yeah. Yeah, but bringing somebody from one room, if I get you right here,

if I get in there, against your will. Yeah, that's true. That's kidnapping. So that's what happened. You know, I was a young kid and whatever, bro. I was consumed. It was the 80s. And I had grown up around that.

I had grown up around that. I didn't. See, that's why I didn't. That's the only difference is what you see when you're a little boy. What you see, you know, as you become an adolescent, what you see. I saw shit. Joey, I was the biggest greenhorn. Like, I was the most naive little boy and adolescent, too.

I mean, as a teenager, I was fucking naive. I mean, I had this girl pull me under a bridge once with a bunch of, like, hippies, and make me smoke pot because I liked her. And I was like, wow, you know, I was like 15 or something, 14 or something. And that was the first time I even saw drugs, you know. And I didn't like it because I was scared of death, you know. But, I mean, I didn't go into that life. And there were kids in my high school.

And I'm talking about 1970. You know, 1972 or, you know, 1970 or whatever. And it's the middle of the 60s. And they're already like Cuban kids in Miami who were like a selling blow right after high school, in college or right after, and they were getting rich. And I was like, I was busy like with the rowing team and football and trying to get into some girls' pants. That's it. When I went, I grew up in Miami per se.

but I went to Miami every summer growing up. My godfather lived on 130th and 100th in the falls by Monkey Jungle. He was a construction guy. So what he did is he'd go into an area and he'd start it from scratch. He built all that in the 50s. Yeah. Yeah, so he'd knock it down from scratch. Then he'd build one house and he'd move in there and he'd build the other four.

And then while he built the other four, him and his three kids lived in that house. And they had La Finka. Every time I went to Miami, they had a different house. house. But the biggest development they had was 130th, 130th Avenue. He was a baseball coach. We used to go to Red Barry's baseball.

Wow. No, no, we did everything in the world you did as a kid in Miami. We would stay at his house for two weeks. Then the last week, my mother would get a room at the Newport, or Hawaiian Isles. Oh, Newport Beach.

And then he would come with the boat, and we'd swim out, and then we'd pull us on the boat, and then he'd get fishing. and he'd cook a fish for a kid from New York City. I don't have to tell you, my cousin's feet wouldn't burn. They could walk on the fucking concrete like nothing. A hundred-degree day. I would put my little pussy New York City feet on the...

I couldn't walk to the beach and shit. They had to pick me up. I would get blisters. It was horrible. But on the other hand, he had grown up with my father. So his wife kind of knew and his kids knew nothing. He had the house on 130th Avenue,

and then at night, right after Mission Impossible on Channel 6, at 1 o'clock, right when they played the... Spangle Banner. The Star Spangled Banner. You know exactly. He would go, Guilla, Oink, Buntal Tena. And we go, and we go to La Vajita, and he'd buy a little beer, and a gallon of milk and eggs for breakfast in the morning,

and then we'd go to a dock, and he'd get his boat, and we'd go out for a couple miles. Where? This when we were kids, I forget. No, but where, you remember where the dog was? No, we go to a dog, and he had his own boat, and he'd go on. Probably Biscan. Biscan.

Biscan Bay. Pick him, hails of weed, and he put him on the boat. No. Oh, my God. Then we go to a warehouse. This is when I was 10, 11, 9. No. Oh, fuck yeah.

And then what happened was not the house before 130th Avenue. But the house before that, the summer before that, when I was eight, he was crazy. The little four was a real fucking Cuban. That's your, oh. It was Mike. Kemi Valt di So, my mother baptized her daughter. So to the Cubans, that's gigantic. And the Cuban tradition or godfather, when something goes down, no question.

They got to come grab the kid. And Barino. And Barino, that's the Godfather, Marina. That's something that's huge in the Catholicism, the Cuban mentality of living. So I used to go down and he'd say, don't know. In the mornings he'd give me 50 bucks. But he didn't sleep. At seven, he'd go right back to his construction.

Nobody ever explained to you what those bales of them? I knew what they were. How'd you know? Because my mother and my father. In New York? Yeah, in my house, my mother's motto was me, oh, you, ga, yeah. Don't say nothing. So he's the one that slipped.

See, in 1966, I just turned three. And the bar was doing great. The bar was doing. In New York? In New Jersey. In Union City, well, the Cuban City. The bar was doing great. It's a Saturday night.

They're doing great at the bar. They're drinking. And one thing leads to another. And Rolloful, that was his name, also lived in Union City at the time. This is before his kids. He lived in Union City up the corner from us. And him and my dad,

Mandiampariu, they were selling coke. In 1966. Please, listen to the story. Holy shit, really. My mother had the bar. They had already sold. In 66, they had already sold the restaurant that put him my...

on the map, it was called LOK. It was just a Cuban restaurant by Union, by not Union Hill High School, but if anybody, 309th and New York Avenue, that's all Cubanism. That's all Cubanism. A clue 38. Gluteantioteo was owned by Willie Wandi.

Willie Randi was the dude who they were talking about in Godfather 2 with the big dick in Cuba. That was his grandfather. He also had a big dick. So he did that show where they tie him up and his dick would come out and people would faint. right around the corner from Letty Cortina

He's on Facebook Another Cuban kid His father was like There were two Cuban doctors You either had the Cortinas Or the Del Vaya But De Vaya you could Don't get a house call after five

Because I'm at the Apocosito And he'd be over your house Trying to shoot you with the penicillin No Oh my God! Oh my God! This is real shit In New Jersey

In New Jersey We had From 1955 To today Not to about 19 87, Union City was the second biggest Cuban population in the country. Right, right, right. Fucking craziness.

Right. So here's my mother, Rolofo. Rolofo had a big deal the next day. So he didn't go to the bar. My mother and my dad and all these people are celebrating. They're doing bumps. No, in 66? So they're doing, fuck.

This is the shit that came right from Bogota. No middleman. So they're doing bumps. My mother and my father go in the bathroom. And they scoop a big bump. My father, my mother does one and she walks out of the bathroom. My dad does too. And he walks out of the bathroom.

But my mother says she got dizzy and she wanted to puke. Heroin. So she started puking. But then she wanted to tell my dad, she puked it before. So they laced the pure heroin with poison. So my dad did the fucking blow and he just died. So they kept calling Rodolfo and saying, hello. for a poor of the bandra.

Something's going on with Manolo. Fucking come to the bar and he kept saying, fuck you guys. You guys are just messing with me. I ain't going nowhere. I have this big deal tomorrow. Bye. And he kept hanging up. So in the back of his head, he always thought he could save my dad. So that's what that poor bastard live with. You understand me?

He fucking died? So my dad died. They took him to the house. That night? That night. No. Oh, my God. Yeah, in 1966. And his name was Manolo? Manolo got my way. His real name was Mano.

old Diaz, but he was from Kamaway. So they called him Manolo Kamaway. And he fucking keeled over with a hot shot. At the hospital, with a hot shot. And then at the hospital, he died. But since he was the first Cuban committee man, they never put down that he died of a heroin. They said it was a heart attack.

My family never collected the insurance policy. But to make everybody cool, they had to send them back to Cuba. So my mother took them via Mexico, right back to Cuba. They shipped them to Cuba in 66. It cost them 50,000 for Fidel to let them bury him and come out way. And that's the fucking story.

And you grew up without a dad? And I grew up without a dad. Holy shit. My mother always told me your dad died of a heart attack. We're driving back from one of those drug barrel. And he tells me, goes, you know, I always feel bad about your dad. So he was always like, my dad to me. The guy in Miami growing up.

Rodolfo. Rolfo was a fucking badass motherfucker. Wow. So I basically grew up in Miami, you know. Yeah, you got to. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to help you write your book. And then you help me write mine.

Yeah, no. It's really interesting. Like I tell at least in times, I'm sad my mother passed, but I'd be 600 pounds. Because my mother made, that's the thing of the dish of the house. We tack how are you? Oh, yeah, we tack how I, with the eggs on top. With the eggs on top and the white rice over white rice.

Oh, yeah. And you slice it this way. The thing spreads. And the yolk split and you mix it. It's fucking disgusting. Listen, man, I've been going to, like, In Miami, whenever I'm in Miami, I go on Saturdays with my dad and his Cuban pilot friends. And these guys have an accumulated fucking knowledge and history of the wars, the Congo wars, the Biafran wars, in Africa.

Because they were Cuban pilots, and they worked wherever they could. They got hired to fly crazy missions. in fucking Africa and in Greece and, you know, wherever there was strife, wherever the CIA was trying to stop some communist takeover. And these guys were there, we're all there. And so I'm part of that when I go. Not anymore because he passed in December. The rest of the soul.

But they loved him because he is charismatic. My dad was like Bebel. They called him Bebo. Bebo. Capitán, a captain, a commandante, or a captain, captain, captain. And so, and they know him at La Carretta, and every Saturday, there we are, you know, at noon, at the big table with five Cuban pilots, and they're all cool and fucking wild guys, you know, but really, really cool guys, they survived all that. But my dad just didn't have, my dad was the strongest and the biggest, you know, physically, but he had more physical problems. Because he had such a great appetite of life that he drank too much and he ate too much.

You know what I mean? But he exercised a lot, but it just caught up with him. It caught up with him. And so literally, like, literally seven months ago, I was at lunch with them at La Carretta, telling stories about fucking the Congo, about Africa in the 60s. the Congo War, 66, when you were in Jersey, and I was in Miami like a little boy, like, you know, trying to get to the stadium to see,

the dinner key to see the doors. And I didn't get to go, and that's where Jim Morrison got busted for obscenity. I'm not in Miami. Because supposedly he was trying to take his dick out and show the audience. But nobody ever proved that. And then poor Jim Morrison, you know, later on that. And I remember the first time my dad took us to Europe, the first time I got out of Miami, we went to Europe and we went to Madrid because he had a real job flying for an airline, like a charter airline. And we went to Madrid and it was the most amazing fucking experience at 14.

And I remember that I would collect, because I was a baseball fan. It was baseball season. It was April already in May. and I would pick up the New York Herald Tribune that's published in Paris or something. In English, because I had to see the baseball scores every day. And while, I was in Madrid, because Madrid is fucking, they don't give a fuck about American sports

in Spain. And, and, but by the way, Madrid's like one of the most beautiful in cosmopolitan cities in the world, except that they smoke too much. They smoke, the women smoke too much. But I heard it's getting better. but the best food in the world, okay, other than Argentina, of course. How about Panama? Panama haven't been.

I heard Panama's got some badass food. Really? I have a fucking Coveche market. Oh, yeah, I know that. And I've heard that. But Lima, too. Lima, Peru. I heard this from New Yorkers.

Oh, yeah? Best Chinese food they've ever had. Oh, I've had the best Chinese food I ever had. Panama. No, the best Chinese food I ever had was in Peru. From the Peruvian Chinese. because they were brought there to build a railroad. And they invented this thing called Chifa.

And it's like Peruvian Ceviche fucking Chinese, wanton, motherfucking, you know, like noodles and, you know. Of course I can't eat that shit anymore. That's okay. It was nice while it lasted. So, so anyway, so anyway, so my dad took us the end. And one day in Madrid, I get the New York Hill tribute. I run down in a hotel. I'm 14 years old.

And I pick up the newspaper. And on the fucking front cover is a picture of Jim Morrison in his bathtub. In a bathtub in Paris. This just happened while I was in Madrid. You know, what is it? 300, 300 miles away, Madrid and Paris. And Jim Morrison died of a heart attack at 27. Bueno. Who dies of a heart attack at 27?

He ingested a lot of stuff. And what happened was, and they'll never say it. They'll never admit it, you know, but there's a lot of stuff. You know, I mean, he was... He's buried in France, correct? He's buried in France, and people like, they're all over the fucking cemetery. Is that your man? That's your... Well, I... No, it's just that I really...

I really loved the Doors music, and I did have, like, an insight into Jim because he was so restless. He was a very, very intellectual guy, but he was really fucked up about his background because he was the son of an admiral in the Navy. His father was Steve Morrison, who was Admiral Steve Morrison. And so Jim went to Florida State,

which is near me, you know, Tallahassee. Both my brothers went to Florida State. and Jim went to California and became a hippie and he started singing, writing lyrics. And so, and I had that sound. I could do that, you know, and I could do that sound. And when I came to Los Angeles, everybody, and I had long hair, and everybody say, wow, you've got to play Jim Morrison. You've got to play Jim Morrison because I looked like, a little bit like him.

I didn't have the blue eyes, you know, but his eyes were never. really, really very blue. They were kind of red. But the thing is that when I did Scarface, people say, now you have the opportunity to do Jim Morrison, talk to Brian De Palman. I did. I talked to Brian, and Brian told me, straight out,

Brian loved me. Scarface, Manolo, he'd be like, no, I'm doing it with John Travolta. He was like, John Travolta's going to play Jim Morrison? You're like, no, I should play Jim Worson. And I would perform all over Hollywood in parties. I would get a fucking bottle of vodka, and I'd be swilling it, and I would perform, and people would put music on, they put records. We used to have records then.

And they put the record on with the doors music, and I'd be up on a fucking table. Me, me, me, Rocky, from Miami, right? But I'd be on a table going, you know the day destroys the night. Night devise a day. Try to run. Try to hide. Break off through to the other side. You know, I'd be doing that, and people be like,

fuck, you've got to play Jim Morrison. And then what happens? I do Scarface, and I have all kinds of opportunities, and Oliver Stone takes over the project. Who wrote Scarface. He wrote Scarface, and he liked me a lot, and he gave me two other scripts. to try to get done because he couldn't get hired as the director.

He wanted to make these movies. And so he said, Steve, you're going to be really big after Scarface. Get these movies done. Platoon and Born on the Fourth of July. Because you're perfect for both roles. And I was, I had my head up somebody's butt or something. You know, I don't know what I was doing. I was lazy and I was having a good time and I was with Melanie and we were just

living life, you know, as a roller coaster. And so I didn't really jump on that. I wasn't thinking like a producer. You know, like a lot of, like a few of my peers have done, like George, like George Clooney has done. He's, right

away, he took his fame and he turned it into making movies. Sean Penn. He's done that. Right away, he started wanting to direct films. And I was just like, nah, I'm going to have fun for a while. And then I'll direct some movies. You know, then I'll make some movies.

But I had these opportunities, and I just, I didn't really want to move on them because it was a lot of work. And I was too busy living life. You see what I mean? And so that's, that period, Oliver Stone got the rights to the Jim Moore to the Doors movie. And he started holding auditions. And right away, people said, like, you've got to see Stephen. You have to. But I had just done a job, a movie where my hair was really short.

So I went in to meet with him, and he went, Mani, Mani, you're not going to play Jim Morrison. Come on. I love you, but you're not Jim Morrison. I'm like, yes, I am. You should hear what people say. You should hear me perform. And he goes, but look at you. You're Mani.

And I was just like, fuck. And that same day, Val, who I knew from New York City, Val Kilmer, I knew him. He had just graduated from Juilliard. And Melanie and I introduced him to Cher, who they got together. And Val was a cool guy. He was an interesting guy. And Val showed up and he had long hair. His hair is blonde, but he had long hair.

And he was there like barefoot. at the audition with long hair. And when he saw me, he was like, oh, Steve, don't go, go. Get out of here. Get out of here, man. This is my chance. This is my chance to play Jim Morrison.

He goes, I've seen you. I've seen a video that you did as Jim. And I said, what video? And he said, people are strange. That's you, right? I said, no, that's Jim Morrison. He thought I had done this video that was recently circulating about

that it's like home movies from the door. where you see Jim Morrison with long hair and he's got glasses, he's got sunglasses on, and he's riding a bicycle in Venice, in Venice Beach. And when you're strange, pink faces come out of the rain. And so Val said, oh, man, come on, don't do this to me. I have a really good shot at this. And I said, well, look at me. I have fucking no hair.

I have short hair. and Oliver doesn't think I'm you know I'm Jim at all and so when it came down to it they were like the producers were like well you could put a wig on him and and he could do it and then but for some reason I think Val had a movie that I just that had just gotten out and and he was kind of hot at the time Top Gun of course which I turned down by the way I turned down his role

ice ice man I turned down his role because I thought I don't want to be the asshole in this movie he's the asshole and I was like that

Joey that's how I was they offered that to me you can be ice you can't be wolf man you can't be the other guy the other guy Tom Cruise's role

Tom Cruise's role right you can be ice the badass you know the asshole and I said I don't to do that. And which

one were you offered for the Army movie with Sean Penn? No, the platoon movie? The platoon. I got offered, well, what happened was that William Defoe. Willem's role, the Elias, Sergeant Elias, the good sergeant. And you know who was the bad sergeant? Tom

Berringer. They put together a deal. It was myself as Elias, Tom Berringer, not Tom Barringer, Michael Paray. Remember Michael Paray? Michael Paray, who has just done Eddie and the Cruisers. Remember Eddie and the Cruisers? Yes. I just saw him at the Water Brothers and I saw him with cowboy boots on walking fast. He's a sweet guy. He's a sweet guy. Bro, when I saw Eddie in the cruises,

I thought he was going to take over the world. Superstar. Superstar. I thought he was going to take that. He didn't sing. He didn't sing that part. John Caffordy sang it. But it doesn't matter. He was fucking beautiful, incredible. And he had a great voice. He had like a deep voice like this. And he's a sweet guy, Michael. And Michael was going to play Sergeant Barnes, Tom Barringer's role, and I was going to play Elias, the half-Indian role, the good sergeant, Willem's role. And you know who was playing the boy? Emilio, not Charlie Sheen, Emilio Steves. That was the cast.

And they almost got it made. And the financing fell through. And so Oliver was like really depressed and he didn't get it done. And I took another job, which was Sword of Gideon. And Sword of Gideon, where I had the lead, which was remade later as Munich, with Eric Bana playing my role, right? By Spielberg. But Sort of Gideon, if you see it, it's fucking badass.

With Rod Steiger, I got to work. Rod Steiger and Michael York. Yes. You know, so I went to Israel. I got my whole, that's how I got my whole education with Israel and my connection to Israel. And, but I missed Platoon.

When you were in Israel, did you meet any directors? Yeah, I missed him directed. Did you meet any direct? Did you meet him? Who? He calls me director from Israel. That's how I introduced. Oh, that's the Lysayat.

Oh, that's my name. Oh, manishma, besidu. How you doing? See, who do you think you're dealing? You think I show up with half fucking... I show up with people with Jew blood in them, you understand? You fucking sure. It is interesting when you...

Like, sometimes I'll have that before the movie, like, facts. It is interesting when you find out, like, who could have played what roles. Because people don't really get to hear about them. They don't get to hear about it. They love all that. You're going to have to... You have to text my girlfriend and tell her that I've taken more than 20 minutes.

Because she thinks, and, like, we'd be done right away. We'd be done 20 minutes. Just text her and say, I'm sorry, I'm holding them over. because we're talking about life. Well, you were talking earlier about the Cuban food you guys used to have. Yeah. We started late with holding them over just a few more minutes. But trust me, you know I like to eat.

And I had my mom as a great cook. After dating a Mexican girl and going to Cuban food a few times with Joey. And then yesterday, I would have been 900 pounds. if I had a Spanish mother. Oh, yeah. The amount of food they cook and how good it is. Lee, listen, I've been to like 235, 238. Okay?

Now that I'm eating pretty well, and I'm still not real. I'm not that disciplined, but I'm pretty good. I weigh to this morning. I weighed 198. That's awesome. It took how long? It took three months, four months. That's cool.

Yeah, no, it's. Only because the bread, cutting down on the white bread, even wheat bread, you know, I don't eat, mostly I don't eat wheat. But if there's, if somebody serves up like we went to Mastros the other night, you know, and they brought a basket of bread. And I'm like, oh, man, I got to have, I got to taste it. She's like, you don't have to. You really don't have to. It's not good for you. And I go, I'm going to, I'm going to taste it.

Okay. With some butter. Fuck it. I did that with Dave Foley the other day. Fuck, yeah. I always said, when I was growing up, my mom,

when the morning she would make, there was no cereal in my house. There was no cakes in my house. There was always three eggs, five pieces of fucking bread with butter, thick Cuban bacon. Not that skinny Ascomiah fucking bacon. Thick fucking slats,

two pieces of a steak. And my mom would make like two, platanite, like two fucking plantains. Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop. Like, there'd be two, 24 fucking, you know, plantains there. And I had to move fast because my brother,

my brother Ernie, Egany, and then my adopted brother, Victor, Victor, Victor, who's an actor, Victor Rivers, he came into our household when he was 17. We sort of adopted him when his family broke up, and I brought him home. And he was a senior, and I was a junior. And we offered him a place to live. and he became my brother.

But that motherfucker could eat and eat fast. And so my mom would put down the plantains in the middle and we'd each have our plate. And I'd be like eating and talking and telling stories. And these motherfuckers would be grabbing all my shit. Grabbing all. I mean, like, can I save me like three? Three plantains.

You guys can have the rest of the like 17 other plantains. Like, can I save me like for you? And then my mom would put down like one more. She'd say like split that between the three of you and be like oh fuck These guys are so aggressive Cubans love this steak because of the skinny steak Oh the skinny steak is but it's it's called it's called a Palomilla Palomia and also the other they slice it in their butterfly and churrasco and churrasco but I'm a

palomia type of you're all the old school palomia with white rice black beans and fried fucking bananas I will stab you in the neck for that yeah yeah yeah I'll Put red beans, that's even better. With some white rice and some raw onions over the steak. We're a little parsley and shit. What? What? What? What? With some Natia. My mom would make Natia over fucking entomans pound cake. This fuck

Oh, you have no idea. This custard. Listen, this custard that they make is like a cinnamon custard. Okay. That had like everything, it's like eggs, milk, and butter and sugar. But if you eat this and lift weights, you'll become Sergio Oliva. Like, that's it. Plain and simple.

That and it was Natia and Flan in my house. The thick fucking, you know, the Puerto Ricans over here, mafungo. Oh, Mofungo. They're flan over there as that thick coconut. Wait, you've been to that place? Yeah, what I do is I have my wife make the pork chops on the grill, Cuban style, and I come over here, and for six bucks, I get an order.

I pick up the mafungo. I pick up, no, I pick up the red beans and the toadone. Why am I going to make a mess at the house? They make those ternets? $2 in order. No, no, no. Yes, they do. You get three orders of those and two Maduro.

Like Toctones. Toctones. And they got two Coca-Ricos. You take that to go. You make the steak at the house. You haven't been in Miami recently. You know, they have this place called A Palacio de Jougos. On Corway, and it's open air.

It's got tables outside. And they have every kind of juice, every kind of fruit, right? Papaya and Fultabon and everything. And they make juices. But they also have a counter. where they're constantly cooking and churning out and putting shit down. And so you're looking at this stuff that you can choose to eat, to sit down and eat. Bacalao, like fritura of baccalao.

Oh, I love what. Oh, I love what. Oh, I love what, you know, like everything. And then they have two different like bins for, for the big totonnes that are this big. Like this big, they're yellow. They're like Hawaiian. And it's the new thing for kids. humans in Miami.

Okay? They're yellow and with salt and it's incredible. You can get like four of them, take them home and like you, you have people eating out of your hands. And then they have Los Maduro, right? They have the Maduro's. Oh, and I like the Maduro's a little bit burnt. I don't like them like, yeah, you like them burnt?

I like them with a little bit of black. Yeah, I don't like that gooey. No, I don't like them that gooey. I like a fucking bird. I love flying out of Miami International because I know. I'm going to take something to go. Something to go. I will load up 16 Cuban sandwiches.

I will upgrade it to first class. I won't even have her cook them on the thing. I bring them rolled up and I cook them at home. And you cook them at home. Nice and burnt. That's how you do it. You bring them raw. Right at the airport they saw it.

Wow. Yeah, of course. First flight of the fucking day. Of course. Right there. So wait. Now, tell me about ma fungal. Okay, so you go at the house, you get a pile on me, your steak.

Yeah, whatever. Yeah, you're going to cook it. You call it. Right before you start cooking. I want two orders of white rice with red beans. It's all they got. The red beans, the little potatoes in them. But they have the...

And they have Totonis. They don't have the big Hawaiian ones. No, but they have Tolest to hold you over and Maduro. So for 12 bucks, you eat like a fucking soldier. You get two and two. Once a month. That's it. No, no, I can't do it either.

I can't do it either. I'm living on fucking brown rice. You know it also good? And it's not even that exciting. But Paula's mom loves Cuban crackers? Those things are delicious. With cheese and ham on that? We just had, we bought them at Porto, so we just had them playing.

Listen, bro, my mom had the bar on 29th and Bergland. Down the corner, 30 yards with a place Hernandez's Cuban. This is in the 60s. This guy had one foot that was shorter than the other with the platform. So the thing was higher. So when you walked by, the sandwiches were already cut. They had Swiss cheese, ham, the pickle, and mayonnaise. So you walk in.

Oh, they're already cut. They were already cut. And you go, Hernandez, what do you want? I'm in two Cuban sandwiches. He'd take the pork right off and the ham because they have a ham and a pork and they put down the sandwich. They fuck him.

They take a thing of butter, spray butter. They put that motherfucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They butter the top of the sandwich. And then they flip it. Yeah. And they put the thing.

Press it down. They don't have an idea. With a batito or ma'met with a papaya milkshake. Oh, that's a polygod. A little bit of salt in that motherfucker. You got to put the salt in that motherfucker. Right. Whose sandwiches do you think grow better?

Yours are the one on chef? The one on, fuck, chef. Chef's a punk compared to what I got in my fucking mental. In your memory. Listen, dogs, they make, the Cubans make a sandwich. What's the Cuban hamburger? Aliflita. It's half a Cuban hamburger.

Yeah, Frita. Lee, you would move to Miami. I have no. I can't even take you to Miami. It's like White Castle on steroids. On steroids. Delicious. Yeah.

Lee, they have a croquetta pre para, which is a Cuban sandwich. Like, White Castle is pretty fucking good. Delicious. But this is Caribbean fucking Likaze. Oh, my God. They have a proquetta with the Swiss, the ham. That's what my dad would eat. That'll kill you.

That's a heartbreaker right there. And then let's talk about the drinks. Way before the fucking coconut waters or whatever. The Cubans have the Matheba. You have the Ion Med, I don't bed, which is iron beer. It's a Cuban Coca-Cola. Yeah. But let me tell you what I grew up on, which killed me for a while.

But it put weight on me when I was a sickly kid. They have a drink called Mataba. Mataba, of course. It's a yellow body. And it lowers your blood pressure. It does? Naturally. It's got that stuff.

A friend of mine brought me some reason. It's still sitting in my fridge. And they have diet too now in Miami. But here's what the Cubans that they said, blood pressure, what are you talking about my blood pressure? Blood pressure could suck my dick. Get me the condensed milk, not just milk. Oh, my God.

They would get three fingers of condensed milk and then put Matheba over and sterilever. up. It is delicious. It is delicious. Now the savage Cubans, they take Matta Atwe, which is the Indian, that Columbus killed. And they put three fingers of cream. Those guys are sick. Those are sick. Those are sick. They would put the three fingers

of whatever, and with the mattae, and stare at it. You have no idea. That puts, that is better than any energy drink. All these energy drinks they got right there? Hit me up on the side. I will give you a fucking weight gain drink at night with Cuban cookies, with butter. I was telling my

wife, I don't like coffee and milk. You do know that. I drink my fucking coffee black. And I'll tell you why, I grew up with Cubans that would get the Cuban bread with butter and dip it and dunk it. Me too. Me too. It makes me... How do I... It makes me cry. It makes me fuck it.

You don't know it. Then they have a thing called cream cheese. You know Philadelphia cream cheese? When Cubans are... With Guayala. And they open their heart, three of those tubes are congested with cream cheese. The beans give up after a while, right? Yeah, the beans. They mix them with Waiaba. On those crackers on the crackers Wahiai.

On the crackers Wahai, the ones that you like. Listen, after school, after school, after junior high, we go to my grandmother's because my mom was still working. So we go to my grandmother, Aualita, and she would have, the moment we walked in, she'd have the Wahai crackers with a slice of Wayala and a spread of cream cheese. and sometimes And sometimes She didn't have it with a way out or something So we'd have the cracker With the cream cheese

And some sugar on top I had the I had the guava And the cream cheese At Versailles in like West L.A. Yeah Oh it was good But then Portos yesterday

had a sandwich with those potato balls in it Yes They have paparaya It's the potato with the head The Swiss. Not that one. The fried one with the ground beef in it? Yeah.

Just that one. That's Papa Rihana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. That's carbohydrate. Listen, a half a... Listen, when you go to weight watches, they give you 40 points for the day,

like a fat fuck like me. When you eat a Cuban steak sandwich, a Cuban sandwich, it's 26 points. That means you got 14 points left for the fucking day. That's what Cuban food does to you. That's why there's... And Mexican food will really kill you.

Oh, yeah. Mexican foods a silent fucking killer. Let me ask you one more question. I know you're in a rush year. Yesterday they released it. They're going to remake Scarface. I heard that. Well, I've been hearing it for two years.

Here's the thing. And some of my friends are saying, well, they should just put you in the movie. In a role in a movie. And I'm saying, but do I really want to do that? Do I want to be in something that's going to be forever compared to, not forever, because it may not last. In other words, if it really comes short of Scarface, if it matches Scarface, that would be a fucking miracle. It's not going to match Scarface.

Of course not. So chances are, most probably, it'll be an attempt. And then what would it look like that I was in that back, you know, sort of like that again? And they're not even filming it in Miami. They're filming it in L.A. aren't they? I know. It's an LA story. I know that Bregman is involved to some degree or he gave the rights.

I don't know. You know, if I'll, I'm going to have to get some advice on this. It's very crazy that. I have to get some advice. It's like with Cuba. It's like, do I go to Cuba? Do I wait for everybody to die? Do I wait for the government to fade away and be moved on?

Or do I just go there and just embrace, you know, the reality. of Cuba and and the end and and come to grips with it you know those guys will die eventually you know and obviously I have a lot of friends who were just resistant to that and my dad was resistant my dad just passed away so he's like no fuck that don't go don't go okay don't go but meanwhile there it is it's right there you know and I I do want to go I really want to go now do I not go because because of a silent, it just has a sign of protest and not meet the Cuban people.

I don't have to fucking meet Fidel or Raul Castro or anybody in the government. I could go undercover and just really, really get to know Cuba. You know what I mean? Yesterday was my sister's birthday. It was a 58th birthday.

I thought about Cuba all day and I couldn't find a fucking number. She's in Cuba. She's there? Well, I think we should go and go see her. I've been thinking about it. I really haven't been thinking about it.

I think we should go see her. I want to just go with the whole family, the baby, the wife. You know what, Joey? Two years ago, before my dad got really sick, I thought my other son, Al, he had an idea. My older son, because he's visual and he's a musician, and he had an idea because he didn't spend a lot of time with my dad as his grandfather. He didn't get a lot of chance to spend with him. But he was there near the end. did come for the end, and so did my other son, Dylan.

And what Al thought was, wow, what if you and me and your dad went, and I filmed it? And we missed it. We missed it. He's gone. So, I don't want to miss it, you know. Did you see Louis Teats? No, I haven't seen it yet. I know all about it, too. Yeah. I thought of doing that. I thought of going to my father's grave. I thought about going to see

and my sister. It's like, I thought I'd come out way and see those savages. Yeah. I thought of going to, and seeing the Valdez's, you know,

my, my cousins, Eki have funso. He's in the Cuban traveling band. Wow. They travel for the, you know. Yeah.

It's, it's, I love to, I think I would have a nervous breakdown at this age. I was so Cuban growing up. You were. You have no fucking idea.

Yeah, because Jersey was, was, I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't Joe Spick with hoop-dupt-de-do-do-a-mo-Meringe shoes,

and shit, but in my house, I was fucking Cuban, Papa. They killed chickens, they sold drugs, ambolitero, you know, they spoke, so when I first met you when we had you on Beating the Beast, and you told me that you had not grown up around that. No. My head almost

exploded because in the back of, I left there feeling very bad because I said, not all these Cubans grew, or I even had the knowledge. You know, I had grown up in Miami all those summers. When I went back to Miami and I told of 84 and to the falls.

These kids, that I was a kid with, that I was 14 and 13 with, were now 18 and 19, and they weren't great little kids. And I'm not talking about the Cuban kids. I'm talking about the white kids were double aggressive. And I remember them taking me to a fucking thing on Okeechobee Road,

and there was an old guy like 60, and we knocked on the trailer, and we went in, and he had a girl into bed. That was like 22. And he goes, bang, enter. And we went in, we went like an eight ball. And he gave us, That means do a bump.

And we're like, you talkata. He goes, me I'm to-tocchio. Because I've been touching myself a day. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it was like a fucking, and I was coming from New York, where I thought it was the end-or-be-all.

Miami was living it. It had turned into Scarface. It was done. Everybody. I went to McDonald's by the, by the Orange Bowl, and three people came out to you, Tocan-O-O-A-W-D-D-D-D-L.

They were selling keys at the fucking McDonald's. I remember bringing it back on the plane, Eastern Airlines, right back to New York, and like nothing, and then doing it two or three times. I was going down there to pick up like $800 ounces. I used to go to a furniture store, Muneiko was his name. He had one eye straight and the other one I went up. And I used to have to stay at his house to pick up the blow. And that's the story I told you that.

He would get paranoid. And his house in Miami, he had money, so his house had bars around. Bars around it, and he had guns. At night he would bar himself up, and his wife would tell him if you're going to snort Coke, go in the other house. Oh, yeah. So he had a backhouse and he would walk around with a tub of margarine

with filled with butter, Saloo, look, I'm not like you. Filled with butter with a dish with the Coke floating on it. So if the cops came in, he could dump the dish into the water. This is craziness.

And he would come out with like work Bhutan, like slippers and fucking underwear. And this is why when I first saw Boogie Nights and I saw that scene with the Chinese guy this is craziness.

No, no, that's a Chinese guy. You mean a... Yeah, yeah. Afredo, Afrido. But the Chinese guy kept playing this stuff. Oh, that guy kept sitting up for a party. It was that type of party. And he kept coming back and giving me more coke than he'd go in a room.

And he'd come back. Finally, the gun landed on the floor and he shot himself. And his son and his wife were like, he does this every six months. The ambulance will come here in three minutes. They know he shoots himself. He does this every time he gets paranoid. And when I was a kid, I remember hearing my mother going, boy, let's tell my stepfather, don't bring Muneko over here no more.

You're crazy when you do a blast with him. Somebody's outside. Somebody's outside. No, no, that was Muneiko. He'd be like, there's somebody outside right now. No, he'd start all over. Yeah. But the funny, like, I really grew up in a cute, like, they, I remember the, I tell this story all the time.

The first Cuban cop that had the walls in Union City to shake down other Cubans. These Cubans got enthralled. And this is where this Cuban neighbor, I used to, like, my dad was in Bolietero. There's a thing called. something. The dude, the big guy that they're going to do his movie. That's the dude you should wait. They're going to do the CIA guy.

Botley, Jose Batler. They're about to do his story. Really? Yeah. And Union City, the guy that went to the CIA they took him down. He did time in Cuba. When he came back, he went up to the government and said, you did what you did, now I've got to do what I do. Don't touch me. I'll give you information from time to time, but don't

touch me. They're still finding Jose battle money in Miami. They just found $10 million that was, it had molding it that he had forgotten about Jose Battle was a savage so that whole organization of Jose Battle CIA Cuban thing was floating around in West New York,

New Jersey. Wow. So that whole thing so this Cuban cop decides with long hango no oba he's going to shake down these Cuban bar owners. Cuban bar owners one guy's name was Boriotlite that means sad pussy fuck big pussy from the Sopranos. This is 1970 and

they were already calling this guy Royotlite. It was a fucking nightmare And this Cuban cop went around, he shook down people. One day they shot him at Rapio taxi. The fastest taxi in little Cuba there because they delivered Coke. That was when they were opening up. So he went in there to shake him down. They pulled out machine guns and they shot the Cuban cop till this day.

They don't know who shot the fucking Cuban cops. Jose Batte? No, they don't know. They don't fucking. No, they got the dirty cop. Jose Batler was this Cuban dude that lived there that ran this big numbers operation. That went all the way to Miami and then it closed up. But that was his neighbor.

So I grew up very Cuban. Wow. So when my mother died, they pulled a plug on me. I didn't discover Cubans again until 1985 in San Francisco. Wow. The Mario had taken over an Aboard in Cuba in San Francisco. In San Francisco? The tenderloin.

They took over three friends. No. And they were tough. But they were geniuses. Wow. Stephen Bauer. They were geniuses. They were selling to all the gay people.

They were. No, no. No. That's the first time I said. seen him Mugachron. A Cuban dude who gets his dick suck and he smacks around

his gay boyfriend but he don't get fucked in the ass. And there was a Cuban dude that had two little guys that had wigs with beards and he would make him go to the store and he would come back later he's bitch slapping right in the street.

Tremendous. This was the Cuban culture that was like... Tremendous? Oh, who sees this shit? When was the last time you've seen somebody get smacked with a wig on? You don't live their whole fucking life?

And the guy goes, goes down and puts the wig on like nothing happened. And he's got a beard. And he's got a beer. Fucking, you know, the Cuban thing is hilarious. Yeah, it is. One of the funniest things ever was this Cuban drug dealer and he'd come over and he showed you the Coke and one day I had a

my girlfriend was white. She did not speak English. Spanish. Spanish or he kept talking, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, what's wrong with her? And I'm like, she's deaf. And this, you know, if anybody has a Cuban uncle, there's

always that one Cuban that knows and did everything. He fought Muhammad Ali. He worked on the building of Empire State building. He knew Lee Ayakokka. He was Fidel. He smacked fucking... Che Guevara. Oh, this guy's inland.

So he goes, I don't know. He goes, you know, she's deaf. And I, you know, she's Moolita. He goes... And I go, and I go, why? You know language? He was, yeah, I know how to speak the language. And he does that.

And she's like... And she does something back to him. He's like, looks at it. I don't know that language yet. We should write a book about the two Cuban experiences in the U.S. The two versions. It's interesting because, you know, I mean, you're... It was fucking crazy.

It's great. It's really colorful. Or maybe... It was very great. You're giving me some really good ideas. I just reconnected with a girl on Facebook that grew up. She was there the night that they called to hit her. on that Cuban cop. And before we got off the phone, we said to each other, we grew up seeing a lot of

fucking crazy shit. But she took care of this dude for years named Andrez Garcia. Oh, yeah. They called him Tati. He ended up going to jail because that was his thing. He would make a drug deal and then come with a machine gun and take it from me. And take the money. Oh, this guy was crazy.

And I grew up around him. He used to take me for haircuts. He's the one that gave me the car. Coke rock and told me when you get old, save this and put this on a girl's pussy. And he told my mother. When did you get a Coke rug? In the sixth grade, he gave me a Coke rock.

And he goes, why, if you ever got a girl over here? In the sixth grade? He told me. He knew I had a girl from me. He took me into the city across the street from the Sheridan Center with a headcuts with a $75. And he got my haircut. They used to shave me with a razor. I had no hair on my face.

And they'd shave me with a razor, the whole thing. And he gave me a Coke Rock. He's like, the first time you bring a girl over here. put this on a pussy and eat her pussy. And one night he told my mom, like three months later, my mom fucking sat me down the next day. Why do you listen to that fucking lunatic? I don't know, he's your fucking friend.

You know, he comes over here. And the wife's name was Nina. But he had her to be a lesbian. So she was allowed to fuck other women. It was crazy, crazy fucking animals. In fact, my uncle, even I asked my uncle here, because my uncle and my mom were tight, but not in her other business.

and we went to eat one day and my uncle goes, you know, I was asking questions and he goes, you know what, man, it's better you don't even think of those fucking people because those people were Cuban savages. Wow. And then once Mario got let out, my mother had just died before me on Mario.

Oh, before Mario. Right, she died in November 79. Yeah. It was happening right after that. Yeah, right after. Last Saturday, I was in Sacramento. I was doing comedy. I did comedy from Thursdays and Sunday morning.

And Saturday got up early, you know. I went to a walk, and I smoked a joint. I got nice and fucking eye, and I went back, and I was going to take a nap, and Scarface came on. It was on, it was on Spike. And it was, from the part you walk in the bar, and the DEA guy goes up to him and tries to milk him, and they try to shoot him.

Then you go back to Mel Bernstein. Then you go back, and they tried to ruin my halal suit. I got to tell you so. I hadn't seen that scene in maybe 15 years. That's a great scene. Because I grew up on it, In 1984. You haven't been watching it in the last few years.

You know, after we used to sit around and snort Coke and watch the fucking thing for two days. So now, but I watched it. And some movies you watch, this fucking thing. Till he asked Ernie about the job, like I gave a breath fucking came out of me, man. It still has not missed to me.

And he goes, and he goes, and I go, what about Ernie? And he goes And he looks at Ernie And he's standing there Fucking trembling And he goes

Hey Ernie Do you want a job And he goes Yeah Tony Okay you come see me on Monday And fucking Angel goes Hey man You got a job

I see And it just relaxes And you can breathe You let a breath out And then I watched the part Where you gave the sister the ride home I think that middle section is the best part of the movie.

Yeah, I love all that stuff. And then when he goes and talks to the old guy's girlfriend at the pool. Right, that was on. I watched that. Yeah, he goes. I watched up to the park. First time I saw you, I said to myself, she's a tiger. She's just like me.

I watched that and I watch the restaurant scene. To me, the restaurant scene is as good as they fucking go. It's a great. You're great in that scene. You're perfect. Perfect. Thanks. Yeah.

Perfect. What's amazing to me is this, man, is that he, this is how great he, he, was, is that he was, he had no, he had no vices to be, you know, nothing to get him high. Al had, was not drinking or doing any drugs. So that what you see is his performance, his, his interpretation of, you know, when he says, is this what it's all about many? When he does that, he's not drinking or smoking or doing coke. That's just him creating this fucking image.

And like over the years, that's the great, for me, it's like the greatest irony that people say like, you guys are really high. And I'm like, no, no, that's him. That's him just creating this thing. I mean, that's it. I had to turn it off. I was watching it a couple weeks ago, and it's a point where his girlfriend's berating him

when he's in the hot tub, I get paranoid because, like, she's saying some, like, terrible things to her, and I just know he's going to kick her ass. It's like, I couldn't even... He doesn't even want. But he doesn't kick her ass. Well, I forgot.

I only seen it a couple times. So I was high, and I was watching. I was like, he's going to kick this shit out. I remember one night, we got so fucking coke down in 1984 that we sat there and we watched it. And we watch when he smacks his wife and Godfather, too, and when he smacks his sister in Scarface. The inventory brought the fucking things down,

and the computers down, and we fucking sat there and watched. Look at the way he smacks. Holy shit. Those are best smacks in Hollywood. That's when you know you're fucking jacked out of your fucking mind. Let me give some shoutouts. I'm going to stick around. Absolutely.

What fuck you're going to go? You're going to walk back? Oh, yeah. I want to give some shoutouts on my main girl, Cleo, which we will get together. next week. This week was hectic. Cool. My girl Laura. Mikey Vincent. Harold Cook over there.

Fucking wrestling motherfuckers. Hope everything is all right. Juan Sanchez. Edwin Pagan, Chris Jones, schizophrenia Jesus. Mikey Ginell and Bill. I don't know what the fuck. Do you say schizophrenic Jesus?

Yeah, schizophrenic Jesus. When do you go back to shooting Ray Donovan? I would say probably two weeks. And there's the third season? It's the third season. third season and my character is then is sort of alienated from

from Ray Donovan even though I was the most loyal and his best friend, his only fucking friend but right now he kind of hates me because if you've seen season two you know how it ends and you know that I did something to save him from going to prison

and he hates me for it because that's the way he is he'd rather have gone to prison than have me do what I did. so now he fucking won't talk to me. So the first few episodes I'm in and then there's a little gap where I'm not in and then I'm going to be coming on strong because we have to reunite him and I have to get back together.

Yeah, the first day on the set I was like, I was looking at the scripts at the first couple of scripts and I was like, oh fuck, he hates me. And I was asking the producers like a girl. I was like, do we ever get back together? like a high school girl. I'm like, do we ever get back together? And they're like, don't worry, Stephen, don't worry.

This season, you guys are going to be back together. You know, but don't give it away. Don't tell the audience. Because it creates a lot of tension. Because people are saying like, what the fuck, you know, they're going to be like, what happened to Avi? You know, he was his best fucking friend. Well, he's his only friend.

You know, that in season 12, I think it was. Someone goes, fuck Ray, you don't even have any fucking friends. And he goes, well, I have Avi. And they go, that's not your friend. He works for you. You know? So anyway, it's great. It's a beautiful, beautiful gig.

And I'm really proud of it because of the way that people respond around the country. And now around the world is starting to show in different places. I was in Switzerland and recently in France, and people had seen it, you know. And I get, I'm starting. to get some mail from like Ireland and Australia and they're showing in Peru and you know I mean it's starting to show around the world

so but then you luck this is this is good this will help my also my my future my film career and there's a few movies I want to do before you know before I uh before I get too old before you go to Jack Nicholson's house before he gets a bench like that yeah I did that already I did that already now I got he's retired right yeah I'm more More or less, yeah. Yeah, he's retired now. Now, listen, man, I'm always a big friend.

You're my friend. I love, I hit you up a while ago and you're responding. That's it, you're here. I'm happy that you're here. No, I love doing this. He's looking at a pot edible. His girlfriend's going to dump him now. No, no, we should do this once a month.

Yeah, no, whenever you want, girl, come on. Because I'm in the neighborhood. And we'll bring our food. He wasn't going to bring food. I won't get to go yesterday, but I was like, I don't be good. No, thank God. No, I don't eat. You're an organic diet now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got you on one Cuban chicken cut with everything and shit like that. Let me give a lot of the sponsors here. If you want it, you can boogie, brother. If not, you could sit here. I got to get back because we have a new housekeeper, and I got to be there at least to translate. All right.

All right. I love you, bro. Thank you very much. And I'll be back next month and give you an update on Donovan. Whenever you want, you just click me out. Okay, okay, okay. And listen, I got some movies coming out, too. What are you got coming out?

movie called Sweet Lorraine that I did like five years ago and it took him a long time to get the movie to get the director to want to actually put it out because he's just kind of eccentric and uh it stars tatum o'neill and myself and it and it's a comedy role for me i play lou bava who is a who wants to be mayor of a small jersey town i'm a restaurateur restaurant yeah i own a restaurant and i have a lot of friends. I'm Italian-American. Basically, I'm Chris Christie. And it's really, really

fucking funny. And it's a black comedy. And Tatum plays a girl that, a woman that I have a thing with, but she married a priest. And then I have a thing for her daughter, and it's really dark. But it's funny.

It's coming out, and it will be on VOD on, what is it? What's VOD, by the way? Video on demand. Video on demand. Exactly. It'll be on demand in April. But the premiere is in New York, and I can't go because I'm working.

But they're going to have a big premiere in New York. And then I got another movie that's going to show at the Cannes Film Festival with Tom Seizmore and Amanda Sante. Okay. And I can't go to that because I'm doing Donovan. But, you know, there's some cool stuff coming up. So look for me. Anyway, I'll come back in less than 30 days and update you. That's why I love it.

All right. I love you, man. Thank you. All right. Take care. Be careful on the walk home. There's people out there. I know. There's all kinds of savages.

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Bam, that's how we do it. What'd you think of that, motherfucker? That was crazy. The fourth, I'm at Ventura. The following week, I'm in San Diego, the American Comedy Company. That's how we do it. Thank you for ending a great week with us.

We'll be back tonight with Eddie Bravo. I don't know, about 830. You're not doing nothing. Stay up. We're just trying to talk about EBI, and the people who were there, and it'll be a fast-loving, podcast, all right? I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great weekend. Oh, thank you very much for watching.

This is not happening. I meant the world to me. I don't know what the numbers are, but I want the show to come back for Ari. Thank you very much in the bottom of my heart. Have a great weekend. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sampler box of great tasting, healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey. It's naturebox.com slash Joey. Also, go to meundies.com slash Joey. And you'll get 20% off of your first order,

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