The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #271 - Giulia Rozzi, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 7, 2015

Giulia Rozzi, Comedian, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  Crep - TLC I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet What about Your Friends - TLC Recorded on 04306/2015

Me in the pendulum. Why would he stab me in the pendulum? I don't know. I might eat another fucking green one. Oh, my God. This podcast is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onet.com and use Coddward Church to get 10% off of all the great optimization products.

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Julia Razzie's in the motherfucking house. The flying Jews in the house. Here you go, cock suckers. Oh shit. Go G. What do you know about this? What? Oh, this song? What do you know about this?

Good. This is a fucking jam right here. What's the story, Lee? You know, wiggle funk with Joey away. You're sitting there like a fucking, like a deaf mute. Dolly. Go. Look at her dancing with the little blue pajamas on and shit, Lee.

She looks straight. Would you fucking tackle her? Oh, what's the story? You bring a black chick home. You're out of the fucking Jewel. I already did that one. Crank this motherfucker Lee. Check her out and shit what?

Oh shit, Lee. She's too skinny, though. Look at Lee. Like, what's the point of having... Look at Lee laying claims like the barragee or something like that. Gosh, second. She's too skinny. Isn't she dead?

Or one of them is dead? No, the one's dead with the red pythagny. Left eye's dead. Left eye lobe. She drove off a fucking cliff. You know how things are. What's going on, Tarzan? How was your weekend? It was good.

I had a... You had netable with mama. Yeah. She loves it now. Sure, she loves it. But we just giggle for no reason. And it's, it makes me happy for her because she's in, she's in about to get being finals. And I can see how stressed out she is.

So we just giggle. We have a good time. You hold a hand? No, not really. No, I mean, she's cool. Not during that. Okay. No, but she was cool.

What else did we do? We went to Steve Simone's for Easter. I was very nice. He made some lasagna, a little fucking baked seed. It was great, and then that's it. The Carvel cake was the first thing to go. Thank God I got fucking, this motherfucker's eating all the other shit. They had blueberry cake.

Some fucking guy showed up with Japanese cookies. Get the fuck out of it. Oh, you hated that guy. You're going to show up with Jap fucking cookies. Get the fuck out of here. And the funny thing is, if you're ever anywhere with Joey, he says this, and the guy is literally right there. But I don't know if you're speaking at like a low register or something. I got a voice like a dog whistle, okay?

there should I say to you as over the years there should I say to you that's out loud and the should I say at a tone that that person is not going to hear it but you're going to hear it it's like when a fighter is in an octagon or in a ring he gets used to his trainer's voice so no matter what's going on like when he's training the trainer will play loud music and talk over the loud music so you get to used to after a few years you'll get to hear me when I was a kid I grew with Roger Holloway and he narrated life so you'd be you're sitting there and people be walking to you and you could hear him going look at the shape of these fucking mutts and you giggle because you heard it but even though the people were right there they didn't fucking hear it so you know what I'm saying Julia Rossi in the house growing up

and shit all grown up I knew you and you were a little fucking pumpkin and shit I'm in LA walking around all scared look at you now I don't know if I was scared I was just clueless you were just clueless no you were just a young girl how old were you when I met you? 22

yeah you were just a younger and you How long had you been doing comedy? I mean, how many, I had done it in my life six times. When I met you. Yeah. No shit. Yeah. And you had been embossing the whole time.

No. Where'd you start? I mean, the first time I ever, ever did it was a high school, like, talent show kind of thing. I did three minutes. I totally stole people's material. Like, I don't even know what I did. I don't know what I talked about. And then I did it, I did two open minds.

night nights at Nick's comedy stop in Boston over the summer. And then at my college in Ithaca, someone started like a comedy club. And so I did three nights of that, like at a bar. So that was it. Bless you. I don't even know if that counts. That counts. Every time you're such a fucking stage.

Is that the next comedy stop? By Calhouns? No, not that one. The one in Boston, it's like in a bank vault. Yeah. Oh, I want one of the worst dates there. Because I've always loved stand-up comedy, but it's in like a freak. in the basement of a restaurant with an open bank vault like you see in the movies and it was tiny

but these like they had the the speaker system turned up high and the people were just fucking yelling like the comics were just fucking yelling it was a weird room yeah i like borrowed my mom i was home from college i borrowed my mom's car i'm like i'm gonna go to a comedy club they're like okay and i went i did five minutes and the host and the the booker were like how long you're doing comedy i'm like oh this is like i did it once in high school for three minutes and they were like what and And then, I don't know. I just was, I didn't care. I, like, missed that quality of, like, I really didn't give a shit when I started.

See, you just went up there. Did you have an idea where you were going with material? I mean, I mostly talked about my parents and being Italian. I think I had, like, an Olive Garden commercial joke because everybody who was Italian in the early 2000s did. That's when you had that one olive garden with family. What was the slogan? Yeah, it's like, we're a family. And I think my joke was something like, what do you mean?

but no one's hidden each other, you know, like something stupid like that. And it was Adam Ferreira. Did he have a joke like that? No, Adam Ferreira was one of the original hosts for that, for that commercial. Oh, really? In like 1997, he booked, who was it? What's the, Olive Garden? Olive Garden commercial where he turns to the camera and he goes,

when you hear, your family. Well, then I thank him for my career. Yeah, yeah. But I remember seeing you at the store, like I got to the store in 97, maybe, 97. When did you get there? 2001. Well, the first time I did an open mic there was like 2000.

I think 2001. I used to host and he used to come in on Sundays. And you were very sweet and you were always to the point. And, you know, you disappeared one day. You know, people come and go and I asked them. I don't know. I think somebody said you got married or you had a kid. I don't know what the fuck happened.

No, in like 2004, I, for whatever reason, decided I hated L.A. I never, like, stuck with things. That was my problem throughout my 20s. Like, the second something didn't go my way instead of trying harder, I'd quit. So, like, I did groundlings. The second I didn't pass a level, I quit. Like, I did stand up the second I didn't get note that I liked or, like, you know what I mean? Didn't book something.

I would quit. Like, I just had a really shitty, not stick with it, work ethic. So I left L.A. Because I thought maybe, like, New York would kick my ass and I missed my family. Then I got to New York in 04. and I did stand up like a couple times a month pretty much so I sort of stopped doing that much and then after two years in New York I was like I quit entertainment

I told my boyfriend to propose we moved to the suburbs of Boston into a house my dad owned the house I grew up in that my dad still owned across the street from my high school just to really hammer it home that I failed and I was like yeah I quit I'm gonna be normal now and the second I started playing the wedding I was like what the fuck did I just do? So then I got me, so while I was planning my wedding,

I would be like in Boston trying to be normal, applying to grad schools being like, look at me. I'm like a normal person. But then I would get on the bus, Chinatown bus and go to New York for the weekend and do spots. And that's when I kind of figured out, I think, like my real voice,

because I was by myself. Because I had been with my, the guy that I married, I'd been with him since college. So he came with me to L.A. I never had any time by myself. So I didn't really have time to like develop I think what's he do for a living he what he did work as a TV doing TV

production and now he does event production and we're still very good friends and he's wonderful but uh yeah I just I didn't I needed to grow up I couldn't grow up here so so then I got married and I got divorced and I moved did it take uh we were married 13 months yeah but we were together eight years so when you told them you wanted to get divorced what say to you? Like, did you tell him it was because of comedy? No, because it wasn't because a comedy. I mean, I talked to him about being worried that we would get divorced before we ever got married. Like, I told him, like, I think this might be a big mistake. I don't know if I'm ready. And he was pretty much like, we can cancel the wedding, but if I can't,

we cancel, we're, like, I'm not getting back together with you. And that made me panic because I didn't think I'd ever meet someone like him again. So I was like, oh, never mind. Let's just do it. which is like what like in retrospect that's crazy that's the 20s yeah how old were you when you met him I met him when I was 20 wow how were you when you you met him 27 yeah I was like 27 yeah I got engaged at 26 married 27 or 28 divorced at 29 yeah so I got it all out of the way before 30 so I feel like the comedy career that I started at 29 was like this career that I'm in right now, because that's when I committed.

Like when I, because I've always done comedy in my 20s, but I don't know, when you're doing it like twice a month and not really caring, it doesn't, you know what I mean? I know it still counts,

but like I'll get jealous of people who fucking kick ass and they've only been doing it five years because I'm like, but I've been doing it like 13, but I didn't do it 13 years consistently, you know? So, yeah.

I started comedy in 91, and I was much like you. I was getting divorced. Okay. So I had all that what was going on in that thing. I was working a day job that I was into, I was switching jobs. And I knew I wanted to do stand-up, but, you know, this is great. Show up at a bar.

Do a couple jokes. Meet some chicks. Have a few drinks. Do a couple bumps. And I did stand-up like that for a while. Like I had a notebook, but not really. And then I won this contest, and I became a host of this thing. and it was basically a party for me.

Tuesday nights I'd invite my friends. We'd get 100 volumes, beers and blow, and we'd fucking do the show. And, you know, it was just one of those things. And I went to New York. And I was in New York. So I started in 91. Where?

I started in Denver, Colorado. But I didn't really commit to comedy to January of 94. I did three years of fucking around. And then I went. I went to New York and I was in New York for nine months. I got to go on stage nine times. But six of those times were the last two months. Like I went out and I was going to New York Comedy Club

and Al would put me up. I was going to stand up in New York and you had to bring 19 of your fucking friends to go up. And it was that stuff. I got bad allergies. Oh my God, my fucking allergies is the worst allergy season we've had. So the East Coast had snow and shit. We've had allergies that I can't breathe at night.

So I went when I got divorced and I went to I went back to Colorado and I said you know what if I'm gonna do this I'm gonna fucking do this and it was different So I get where you're coming from well like the first two years I didn't I was in it like I was like doing the store like three nights a week I was like taking improv classes. Like I was really in it. And then I don't know, like my third year in comedy, I just, I think what happened for me in my head a little bit was like, well, why are you going to keep pursuing this? You're going to have this idea in the back of my head when I was younger.

I'm going to have to stop. Like, there's no way this can be my life. You know what I mean? Like there was a part of me that was like, well, this is like cute for now. But I'm going to have to get like a real job and like move back home and be married and have kids. Like I didn't think it was possible to kind of keep going with it. Also, stand up was never. it's weird. I say stand-up was never my goal, but I don't know how to not do stand-up,

and that makes any sense. Because, like, I think the lifestyle is super shitty. I think the kind competitiveness, not that other things aren't competitive, but, like, with writing or acting, you kind of don't always know what other people are working on because it's such a process. With stand-up, it's like, how did you book this? With this person, like, I don't know, there's just a different energy about it that I don't always like. I think I'm really sensitive what doesn't always work sometimes in stand-up, but I fucking love it. Like, I don't know how to not do it.

I've tried to detox stand-up out of my system and be like, do something that's, like, not as gritty, but, like, once I'm on stage, I love it. I love the street. I got to blow my nose on this fucking t-shirt. You don't have tissues? No, I don't feel like getting up because we're on to something.

You know, when I was telling us something. We're on to me vomiting after just watching. When I was 20, I would go for a job like anybody else who wants to do something more, and I'd go to like, whatever. I think I want to be a service rider at a car place. And I go in there, let's say they said, we're going to pay you $10 now. In your mind, that's $80 a day. After the third day, I'm like, I've been here dealing with these fucking morons.

And at the end of the week, I'm going to make $400. The government's going to take $80. I'm going to take home three fucking 20 I might as well go sell an A ball of blow This is my mentality I could sell drugs or whatever the fuck With stand-up With acting and all the other shit we do

Stand-up is the street Of entertainment But I love dabbing on it Because it keeps everything else intact It keeps my acting intact It keeps my storytelling intact It keeps my writing intact Anything else I'm working on, I don't understand how people do different things, like there with stand-ups, then they get out to different things and they don't do stand-up no more.

I'm like you. I couldn't think of a life now without stand-up. I mean, I've never been the kind of person who's like, I need to do like five spots a night every night. Like, that's not what I'm looking for. But if I go, and I don't mind, sometimes I take a week off and I love it. But, like, I have so much I want to say, so much I want to share. And, like, my favorite thing about it, because I just want to be a therapist. That was what I thought was going to be.

And I was going to go to grad school for expressive arts therapy. I wanted to use, like, writing and storytelling and music and all this stuff to help people. And then I feel like that's what stand-up has been for me. Because whenever I first started, I got into stand-up because I wanted to connect to people. I wanted to make people feel less lonely. I wanted to, like, I love confessional, dark, like, personal stuff. Like, I'll do observational stuff, but most of my stuff's about me. And I used to think that made me a narcissist, but it's because I like it when people come up.

me after a show saying you're funny is awesome but saying like oh man I like I feel so much better after like I was I felt so shitty before and now I feel like understood like that makes me so happy and fulfilled and for me with stand-up I think the times in my life where I didn't commit to it or when I fell off track about why I was doing it when I started to get distracted about what other people are doing like oh well my joke didn't get on TV but that person's jokes, maybe I should try to be more pop culture. Maybe I should

da-da-da-da-da-da. And it never, you know what I mean? Like, whenever I've stayed true to the reason why I do it, that's good. That's what it's fucking supposed to be good. I know. These things are tremendous. I can't believe it. I had a bite of a pot rice crispy treat yesterday, and then I started watching Going Clear, and it was like

too, it was my head started exploding. I'm going to sleep like a baby. I'm going to get up and go give a boy. blood test. You are not. You've been singing. You get that blood test for 12 months. I'm going to go to Cafe 101.

I have a little breakfast and go give a nice blood test. Bring my iPod, put Santana on, and look the other way. He calls me every day. Watch. I got to get up early. Every day I'm going to get his blood test. You can you going to be okay? Yeah.

What the fuck. I just always forget. I hate going to Hollywood. A friend of mine call me. He goes, hey, man, you don't come say hello no more. I go, Doug, how long? I know. You're fucking.

15 years, I love you at all my life. I just can't do the Hollywood run no more. I live in the valley. For me to go down sometimes, like I have the desire, and I'm like... That's how I feel about Brooklyn to Manhattan. Yeah, ooh, you know what? Okay, I'm here for the day.

What are I going to go to Hollywood for? I want to go. You know, I could fuck around, but I don't really want to go. I like staying close to my house. I'm just one of those fucking people. But if I could hit it early and get back up to fucking hill early, bam, I'll hit it tomorrow.

If I get up like a five-thirty tomorrow, take a pee and go, fuck it, I'm just going to stay out. feed the cats, clean all the boxes and shit. I'll get in that fucking car about 6.30. Shoot the Hollywood, go to Cafe 101. Can you eat before Boutas? That's the whole thing. I'm eating.

They told me I could eat before this one. When you do a physical, you can't eat. You got to go in an empty stomach. That sucks. Dick. But when you could eat, it's a different story. You're okay. You just bring a can of soda with you to put the sugar right back in you.

You know what I'm saying? Giuliana. Giuliana don't fuck around here. Giuliana. He's changing my name. He's what? You keep changing my name. That's how, that's he knows he likes you.

That's what they say. So, so you went back to New York, you get divorced. You tell this poor bastard it's over. Now what happens? Well, we had, we got married and then we moved back to New York together when we got married. Because he was like, well, maybe if we go back to New York, you'll be happy because I was super depressed. And then we moved back to New York and that's, it was almost like I had a food allergy because, like, I went to L.A., and I wasn't fully happy. And then I went to New York with him.

And I wasn't happy. I kept eliminating, like, my job and, like, my career shit. And I would in my city, but I wouldn't eliminate him. So then we moved to Boston together. I still wasn't happy. I moved to York again, still wasn't happy. Then we split. I wouldn't say I was happy, but I was just diff.

Like, I had a little bit of space. And I felt, I felt really bad because part of why we split, I was like, I want to be on my own and, like, find myself and, like, all that shit. Fucking months after we split, I get into another relationship because I'm an idiot. And he's like, we're still friends. So he was like, yeah, remember when you said you wanted to end our marriage so you could find yourself? Did you find yourself in that second three-year relationship or four-year relationship that you got into? I'm so dumb.

No, you're not done. You're a woman. It was habit. You need love. You know, you like to be. You know, listen, man, stand up as second. We're first. I'm a man and you're a woman.

Yeah. That comes first. That has needs. That has its needs. I love to. I love to be the fucking, I love to be 28 and be doing standard of four years now and be good looking and go out three, four nights a week and fuck and suck

and do drugs and get chlamydia and get a drug prom and live at the Chelsea. Maybe no clemenia. Well, whatever fuck, you know what I'm saying? I mean, that's part of this whole comedy thing. But then there's the other part of it. There's the part where one day you wake up and you go, I need a life. Yeah.

I got to have a life. That part of it is great. gigging with your friends and not having responsibilities. And now that opens up a different chapter in your life. Now you have a relationship, somebody who depends on you, you know what? So now on Tuesdays, instead of going out to that dumb fucking club that paid you $8, you stay in and you both eat hors, you fucking suck a little bit, and you both go to bed of tent, you make those little commitments in the relationship.

And that's what a relationship is. Well, in my 20s, I feel like part, I mean, I love stand-up because I love stand-up, but I also loved the social aspect. I'm like, oh, I'm allowed to get drunk every night. I get free drinks. I get to be social. And the problem for me was I didn't want to lose the safety of my relationship, but I was acting like I was single when I was going out.

I was, you know what I mean? I wasn't going home. I was like partying all night. Like, I was really trying to have both worlds and I couldn't. And then this past year, I had like my first single year ever as an adult. And it was the best year of my life. I mean, not just. just because I got to sleep around or whatever,

but because I got to just cry in the shower for as long as I wanted to without anyone knocking on the door, being like, are you okay? Sometimes I don't want someone to ask me if I'm okay. Sometimes you just got to fucking let me lay on the floor, weep like a child, and don't say, let's go to dinner, I'll make you feel better. I don't want to be, you know what I mean?

Like, I had this space to just lose my mind a little bit, and it was great. People have no idea that for me, all these fucking Gentiles that go to therapy and pay all these money, these fucking saps. Listen. Oh, I go to therapy. Just get a shower that you could sit out there.

I love therapy, though. I love my shower. Yeah. Okay, not this shower where I live now. Where I lived in Hollywood, that was the best shower I ever had. I could sit in there for three hours and never run out of hot water. You smoke a joint, just sit in the corner. You don't masturbate.

You just sit in the corner and let the hot water hit you. This is your therapy? That's my therapy. You smoke a joint in the shower? No, before you go in there. I got a little bit of sick I was. I get a pillow. and put a piece of plastic around the pillow and put the pillow behind me.

Just sitting the shower for three, four hours. I mean, you might want to think about therapy. No, that's therapy right there. It's you and four fucking walls. That's as real as it gets. All you need is a mirror. If you put a mirror in that. Oh, that sounds terrifying.

That's terrifying. Wait, are you against therapy? No, no, no, I'm just saying, for me, this is what it was. If somebody comes to you and says, Julia, I want to offer you $50,000 to shoot a special, you're like, let me think about it. Some people go to a bar and drink. Some people get six of their business.

buddies and sit down. For me, I'll take three of my closest friends who go to the steak. Let's talk about it. And then let me go home and smoke a number. And what's the safest place for me? The shower. I love, yeah. I love the shower. You know, Seinfeld had a joke with the shower and one of his early danger feels specials. He goes, nobody gets him to get you in the shower. Where is it? We can't get a hold of him. He's in the shower. He's on the phone. He's in the shower. A shower is sacred. For a guy like me, you go in the shower. You know, you have to be a pig. You just go in and sit down, look at your toes, pick them, take the dead skin off your feet, fucking pick your nose hairs, and just sog. You don't come out of the shower until your fingers are fucking soggy.

And you come on. That's what I love about the road, getting into your hotel after a plane ride, and take them off your fucking clothes, putting a pot of coffee on, rolling the fucking joint, and you're going to shower for like a half hour. And if they have a robe? You decap, die. Well, the robe never fits, Uncle Joey. I got to put them together. I'm gonna put two of them together, you know what I'm saying? I love, whenever people, I know the road can suck, but God, do I love hotels.

That's the part. Because, like, I watch garbage television and stuff. I would never watch. I order food. I sit on the bed with my shoes on. I always ask, I always get, like, I will ask for early check-in, and I'll get there so early, even if the gig's at, like, nine. I'm like, I'll be there at 8 a.m. Like, I love it.

And now my boyfriend's a comics, we travel together, so we'll open for one another. and it's great because like now It's a fucking beauty, huh? Oh my God, I never, it's so funny Because people would always be like, don't, you know, now that you're single, the worst thing you can do is date a comic. And I'm like, why don't you just say

the worst thing I could do would be date a bad person? You know what I mean? Like, don't, not all comics are bad to, like, what does that even mean? Like, we have a lot in common. How great is that? And now going on the roads like a vacation. You have a lot in common,

but at the same time, I don't believe in I love my wife and I love the baby and you know I block them out Thursday night show I fly out Thursday morning and Thursday I just block them out Friday I block them out Saturday I let them come in I'll look at the picture of the baby because I know I'm coming home the next day every week I say maybe next week I'll bring them on the road but I always differentiate business and family like I have to work this week in San Diego I fucking hate it because I have to leave them

Friday at like Cannon Drive down and it's different than being on the fucking road. Yeah. When you're on the fucking road, you're on the road. And I don't even like this drive. I love Lee. I don't want to bring Lee on the fucking road because I'm not going to say him. I don't know about it. I like checking

that fucking hotel room, the first thing I do is turn around and look for Do Not Disturb. That's the first thing you do. Then you take your shit, then you take your clothes off, you put them on the fucking thing. Then you look at the room service menu. you and you see what time the bar is open to maybe you go down there and eat something. You know, by the time I get the itinerary

the night before, I look at the hotel to see what type of food they have. That's what I do. To see if they have a hotel, a pool, a pool, what type of gym they have. I did a college on Tuesday in Texas, and I was coming to L.A. Wednesday and we have friends to stay

with, but Wednesday night I was like, let's just get a hotel just for fun. Like our first night there, I had no shows. So I was staying in a hotel in Texas for this gig, and I'm backstained. before I have to go on, looking at my phone, this girl who works at the college, like, oh, what are you doing? I'm like, oh, I'm looking up hotels. She's like, you've been on your phone for two hours.

I'm like, yeah, I fucking like, I love looking at, like, booking.com and orbit. Oh, no, no, that's not my bad. Oh, really? Oh, no, no, fuck you. No, no, no, fuck that shit. To look at the website for the hotels? No, when they call me, when the agent contacts me and they go, you go, you're going to Texas, and they go, you stand at the double tree, Austin.

I'll go on and look at that hotel. Oh yeah, well, once I pick the hotel. They got to offer me, and then I go through it and I go, all right, we got a gym, we got tacos, we got a breakfast buffet, we got coffee in the room. What halfway that? I hate the, I hate continental buffet, the breakfast. You're like, oh, free breakfast and it's like. Continental. Look at the continents.

Africa, they're starving. You want to give me an apple and an almond for breakfast. Go fuck yourself. I go to hotels, they got that Hindu breakfast. They got those scrambled eggs. They made out of fucking milk and fucking Indian toenails. and you got some fucking dead sausage patty and you got like a bagel.

That's an Indian breakfast? It's a Hindu baggage. All these hotels are owned by Indians. They just keep them in the back. It's like political. They're run by others. It's like the mafia in Vegas. They put like regular white people to run the hotel.

But you smell carry when you check in. You're like, this is a Hindu hotel. Don't tell me you don't know what I'm fucking talking about. You know, like when you work with any Roger Paul gig, those are all Hindu hotels. Oh my God. I haven't done a Roger Paul. bananas and fucking whatever.

Is he still around? Yeah, well, he's still sending people to help that poor guy. So I did bananas in like in like 2000, God, five, six. And I was the MC and it was me and a magician was the feature. And then I don't remember who the headliner was. And a Friday night show audience loved me. Saturday early show audience loved me. I was like, I'm like the best, right?

Saturday late show, they hate, they connected to nothing. And then I said, are you guys ready? Okay, I'm going to bring it the first comment. You guys ready to have a good time? And this older guy's, like elderly guy, I don't think he meant to whisper because he had a hearing aid. Because he leaned over to his wife, he goes, I'll have a good time once she's off the stage. But it wasn't a heckle. He just was whispering, but he was kind of hearing aid.

I don't know what happened. But, like, I lost it. I was like, I didn't get mean. I just go, oh, you don't like me? That's weird. Well, I just found out of the hotel lost my room and I have to sleep with you and your wife tonight. you excited to sleep with me and he was like it wasn't even funny it was just like weird and then he got really quiet I'm like all right well this next act he's a magician they were like yeah

magician like I was like can he fucking make me disappear because like this is it's the worst but it was so weird because I was like I did the exact same jokes that I did the other two shows like but it's Saturday night late it's a different head it's a different attitude there was a room the stress factory 10 years ago the reputation was Friday night late don't sweat it Don't even sweat it. Don't judge yourself. They're from the college and they just don't laugh. They just don't laugh.

I remember fucking dying Friday night. Some shows, you say the exact same material, maybe your timing, maybe you said something in the beginning. We were just talking about this last night, how everybody, you know, everybody, the number one thing is everybody's blessed. All right, I'm so blessed. Go fuck yourself. You cheat on your wife and all of a sudden.

You're fucking blessed. But the number two, is what the fuck was I talking about? I don't even know I gotta stop beat.

The bad shows. The bad shows. How? I don't even know what the fuck I'm getting at here. This is terrible. I got to stop eating.

Late night's spot. The late night's No one laughed. You talked about this last night. Whenever I have how fucking, you know, as a comic,

you don't want to judge nobody as a human being. But in reality, when you're a comic, people judge you within the first 30 seconds. It's when you walk into an audition for a room. We don't judge instantaneously.

It's what we do. We don't like to say it in public that we judge people, but we fucking do. And the same thing with stand-up. You know, some people go to a show and they have this weird thing of what fucking stand-up is. But they judge you within the first 30 seconds. You might say something wrong. I've seen great comics at the store. How many great comics have we seen bomb at the store?

They went out there with a little bit too much confidence, maybe not enough confidence. Saturday later it's a bunch of drunk people They want you to come on and talk about your pussy And how hairy it is and how it smells And they'll fucking love that shit You follow me? So every show Has different needs So just fucking a magician

Around is always bad luck anyway I fucking hate working magicians Whenever a magician's on the show I feel terrible about myself Have you done that show before? With a magician A couple of fucking shows with magicians What is the booker's thinking

Like we're going to entertain them People like hypnotist. People like magician. But that's great, but don't put it with a stand-up, because I did a college with a magician and hypnotist. Oh, God. You might as well shoot you. I know.

And I was like, well, first of all, I was like that the hypnotist hypnotize you guys to love him because, like, that's not fair. You know what I mean? Like, how can I compete with that? No one's going to, like, stand up and applaud for my joke about my mom when some guy just, like, made someone let me.

And some hypnotists are good. Like, they're dirty, Dr. Dirty. Yeah, there's one in Boston. Yeah, Dr. Dirty, right? No. In Boston, it's a... Joe, what the fuck is his name?

Something. Now, didn't we work together at Grill 56? Didn't I get you in there? It used to be an Andover. No, did they? I don't think so. I thought you worked it with me. Now that I was looking at you go, oh my God, I think I worked with her at Grill 56,

or you worked for that guy, the Jewish guy there. I forget what that. It was like, it was in Andover where Jay Leno's from. And it used to be a big restaurant called Grill 56 and he, or 96, or whatever the fuck. What's the road there? 56? 95? 95.

I don't know. They did comedy there and stuff like that. So, who fuck knows? But you see, when it comes to stand, I can't say this, but in my mind,

I think this, when I see a club hiring in the hypnotist is taking money out of some comedian's mouth. You follow me? Yeah. Or a magician.

But there's a need for that. Oh, yeah. You know, there's a club Harvey. in Portland, Oregon. You ever look at their schedule? You want to just put a gun to your eyeball and blow the fucking trigger because New Year's, they have a two-piece band,

like this comedy three-piece band. What is your life about if on New Year's you sit through an ear-beaten of a one-man band and sit there and like clap and he goes, raise your hands, you know, put your hands up in the air. What the fuck do you do? Well, even, I mean, maybe just because I'm a comedian, but I'm always kind of surprised people

want to go to a comedy club on New Year's Eve, too. Well, it's comedy clubs on New Year's Eve, but people that usually don't go to New Year's. Like, the toughest bombings I've had have been New Year's Eve. Because people, you go up there with a little cocky attitude, and they're like, what the fuck is this? We thought it was going to be a guy with a bowtile, like Bob Hope,

coming out and talking about the troops, and did you hear the latest funny thing? You know, my arms are heavy. I just flew in, you know, shit like that. I don't fucking know. I don't like working them. They asked me today at my agency. Have you thought about New Year's?

And I said, you know, run them by me. but I really don't like working I'd rather not I'd rather stay home You've stayed you've done like local shows The past couple years I'll do them every year 8 o'clock show

So I'm in my house by 1030 30 I've done enough of them I paid my dues on New Year's It's not like I'm just saying it off the bat I've done enough fucking New Year's They're a nightmare So why would you go in front of people

I've never done New Year's Never I've never been asked to do New Year's now Isn't that terrible No but you're good for the 8 o'clock show The midnight show You fucking say some funny shit on Twitter, Doug.

Now, when did you evolve into this writing thing? Because I know you do a lot of writing. I've written since high school. What is your college degree? I was theater and sociology. Look at you, you bad, motherfucker. What were you leaving? Digital post production.

Digital post, look at your eyeballs in the mirror. That's scary. If you went in the shower right now, look to the eyeballs, you just fucking drown yourself. Cocksucker. So you do a lot of writing. I do, yeah. And you get paid good money, you're right?

I mean, it depends. Like, when I work on a TV show, it's amazing money. So you work on TV shows also. Sometimes, like, I've done punch-up on a few shows, and I worked on a couple MTV shows. And then I have three pilots that I wrote that I want to try to sell at least one. It would be great.

And then I'm writing my first screenplay. I want to write it by the end of the year and make it, like, by myself. Not by myself, but independently. Yeah, I love writing. I could never, I don't mean this is an insult to actors, but I could never just be an actor. You know what I mean? I could never just be at home submitting and going on auditions.

Like, I have to do the writing and I have to do it stand up. Their work ethic is fucking horrendously bad. The work ethic, I have friends that are just actors and all they do is bitch and they have no control unless they get up every morning, get the breakdowns, drop off envelopes. Like I did. But you could even do that and still not. I did that. I'm saying for me is like... Oh, no, no, I see what you're coming from.

You don't know how the fuck they just sit on. I couldn't like... No, me neither. Because if I... Like, I have like a web series right now with this comic, Brooklyn, like, we wrote it, we paid to shoot it, we produced it, we act in it, and it's, I'm the co-star and it's my... You know, like, I love that there's so much, like, of your own creating now.

So, yeah, I would love to get cast in a sitcom and in a movie, but if I don't, I'll just make it myself. You just make it yourself. Yeah, and I know... Yeah, and the way, and I like what I write. And I know I'm going to write good lines for me. So, yeah. If you think of something while you're going, you're just saying,

without some chick coming up to you. Excuse me. Yeah. The line is, uh, he just got home. And you're like, but that sounds like dick. Let me grow this motherfucking flavor into the mix, bitch. It's Fox, motherfucker. 10 o'clock.

What's up, Lisa? I have. Look at your fucking eyeballs. Yeah. What am I going to do with your eyeballs tonight? What did you eat today? How many edibles did you eat? Let's eat two?

Yeah. We had a full green hornet I had at least 50 milligrams of the Star-Def At least This fucking guy Oh but I went to her mom's house for dinner And what did you eat over that tonight?

She makes this like spicy beef But she makes like home potatoes Like almost like French fries but not fried She puts those in with like a little bit of rice Oh so good Your mom? No my girlfriend's mom She's Mexican

He's dating a Spanish chick so he's in fucking A little Jew boy with a little Spanish chick Chicken Turn the mouth and stuff Look at him She's turning him out with food, though. It's not like she's sticking a finger up his ass and she's walking around with a limp. She's turning him out with food.

Look at him. He's all happy. How do you know for sure when he's rejected? Because he don't like assholes. He don't like fingers. He's never sniffed her asshole. What kind of fucking Jew is this? You know what I'm saying?

He didn't even sniff her ass on Easter. That's when the Jews usually sniff assholes, you know what I'm saying? They're angry. I didn't know that. Well, now you're fucking no. See, that's what happens when you listen to the church or what's happening now. One thing about you, you're always in a good mood. Am I?

Listen, man, I love women. I always yearned for a sister. My mom left a sister in Cuba, so I always yearn for a sister. So as a young kid, my mom would say, when you see somebody doing something to a woman, that can be your fucking sister. Yeah. You know, and I'm always one of those guys, you know.

And I like breaking women's balls who break your balls back. I like a little tough woman, you know. There's no sense in calling a woman a dummy, and she just sits there and takes it and tells your friends. If she says, go fuck you. yourself, we got a friendship. We got something to work with. You know what I'm saying?

I don't want no lame woman around me. I want a woman like my mom around me. And at the comedy store, that's cruelty ink. Mm-hmm. You know, that's cruelty ink. Oh, all the door guys hated me when it first showed up. You know, and, you know, you've been in it for, you know, a couple years before. And I know you 10 years, you know, from the store and you're in it.

And you're always smiling. You got to remember one thing. If you look at women's careers, I was talking to somebody yesterday at, Steve Simone's part about women with music. I've always been a fan of women with music, but if you look at a lot of women studying with Ricky Lee Jones, their first album was sensational.

The second album bombed. And then they didn't recover. Edie Brickell and the New Barbarians never recovered. Cheryl Crow's second arm wasn't that good. The third one was good, you know, and you look at all these women, and you see that sometimes they just go away. Sometimes their ovaries get in the way.

Sometimes the woman's ovaries getting away, dog. You can't fight Mother Nature And they just go away And they become writers or whatever And it's great when you see women who stick it out From all the girls at the store When you were there I don't see nobody no more

I don't see Rita Jones I don't see Kim Tavares I don't see You know Maryland died I don't see I saw the chick that looks like Barbara Streisand Last week Who's that?

I forget the Jewish chick Real funny cute chick that looks like Barbara Streisand from back on the day but you know I don't know what the percentage is for guys sticking it out with comedy but I wonder what the percentage is with women like when you thought about going back that leg

you had no reason to feel bad about it even looking back at it now because how many fucking people really stay out here wait did I feel bad I felt bad when I left you said that when you left after yeah I mean I wish that I had the work ethic

then that I have now and like I wish I knew then that all I had to do stick with something and just be patient. I was just really impatient. I was like, I'm not super successful and famous after two years. Bye. Like, that was like my mentality. Because I think also because things happen kind of fast for me here. Like getting past the store right away, I was like, oh, I guess I don't really have to work that hard. I just get things. Not in like a bratty way. I was just, I was naive. You know, and I was like, well, I think I have like good at, and I read a lot of self-help books. And so I was like, well, I like good energy. So like my karma will like really help.

But, like, yeah, good energy and karma has to go hand in hand with hard work. And I wasn't, you know, I was like not doing. When you were you committed to comedy. Like, you're talking about you weren't committed. You were, something would slam the door and you would move the other direction. I think I really committed at 30. Well, God bless you, took me 32 or 33 to go. I've done everything.

Like, I was just a fucking failure. Oh, I felt like a huge failure when I was 30. I was just a failure. I mean, I left high school, I signed up for college. I flunked after. I didn't flunk. I just, I was making 75 carrying rolls of fucking roof paper up a roof. And my rent was 125 a month.

And I had to go to get up and go to classes. And I didn't really know what the fuck I was going to classes for. Like, I was like you. Like, why am I taking these classes? If I'm not going to finish this, I don't know what I want to be. I don't want to be a doctor. That's too hard. I don't want to be something in two weeks.

I need something in two weeks. I was always the two-week dude. So if I get a job next week, Julia, as the fucking janitor, can I be a TV anchor man in two weeks? That was my mentality. Yeah, yeah, that's how I used to be. You know, so it's like I got a job, a roof, and then I went to like a vocational school for plumbing.

But once I found out, you had to stick your hand in toilet with shit, that wasn't going to work. So fuck plumbing. So I wasn't going to become a painter, but I didn't like heights. And then I was in a clean windows. It was like everything had an excuse. Yeah. Like, and then my friends would work hard to get me a job that paid money.

Then it was, why would I do this for eight bucks an hour? Then my friends would go, what if we got you a union fucking loading truck, $22 an hour. I'll do it. I'd do it three nights and go, this sucks. Yeah, yeah. Because then I'd say I'm 18. What am I going to be doing when I'm 30? Loading fucking trucks.

Loading fucking trucks. So everything I would go do, I'd always read between the lines. I sold cars. I was a closer at a car. dealership, I flunked at that. It was like, I got a job at Benegans as a cook so I can become a bartender, because you

had to be a cook first so you could get into the bartending program. Oh my God, you know, and then they would give me these curveballs. I got into the electrician unit, but they wanted my high school algebra grades. What's that got to do with fucking getting electrocuted? How good it would be good? Do you think when I'm getting fucking electrocuted, I'm going to

be thinking about my algebra grades if 3.14 equal pie, whatever the fuck it is? Huh? Huh? Let me tell you what happened at Beniggins. I must have lasted maybe three hours. Those were when I used to rob gas stations in Jersey.

I used to go to these gas stations and get a job as an attendant because they pumped gas in Jersey. Yeah. So I was addicted to it. I was doing like two a week for like $2,000, $3,000. I had my friends pick me up. I would get a job as Julia Razzie. I would apply for the midnight shift.

There we go, what kind of arm is? Well, if you apply for 8 to 4, they're going to do reference checks. But how many fucking people come in here and go? from 12 to 8. They'll just, they'll just hire you. Can you show up at 4 today? I don't know. I got plans, but yeah, I'll be here for if you need me, I guess.

And they'd say, every time you get $1,000, drop it in the hole. I would keep it. And after I had like 3,000, I'd call you and say, pick me up, I'm going to give you three bills. Maybe down the corner, I just get in the car. So here I am in the fucking Benigans getting yelled at by black people to fucking make baked potato.

One of those potato skins? Let me tell you something. I hate fucking potato skins. I've hated potato skin since I was 10 Either give me the fucking mashed potato with the skins Or take the fucking skins And throw them in the garbage and make the mashed potatoes But don't fill up a fucking dead potato skin

With bacon and sour cream And expect me to eat that comedy shit You might as well put ranch dressing in there And kill me once and for fucking all I think they have those But I fucking went nuts I had to make like 200 as a prep I had to make 200 of those baked potato shells things

And that was that I went around the gas station I was like, fuck this. I don't need this. Fuck you. I worked at a, well, this was like in high school. I worked at a bagel place, Brooger's bagels. I took it before you. And this guy that I,

because these are the kind of people that I crushes on, this guy that I had crush on worked there from high school, and he would, he once put his hand on his pants, and I heard the ripping. He ripped all his, a handful of pews out, and then threw him in the cream cheese,

and then served cream cheese to this woman and thought it was hilarious. Alarious. And I am so moral, and I wanted to tell on him, but then I was like, but then he's not going to like me. And I was like, oh, like, I think about it all to this day. I'm like, I can't believe I let my fucking, like, crush insecurity. I mean, like, friend of me on Facebook and I wanted to write back? Remember when he fucking ripped your pubes out?

How would you look at it to someone that to your daughter that you've pictures of all over your Facebook? And granted he was 16. Maybe a lady like pubs. Maybe when she hit them. Maybe when she bit into that sandwich, she said, you know what? Somebody put a fucking pub. It's my lucky day. No, no, no, no.

Pubes. Yeah, yeah. Maybe she wanted pubs. A lot of people like pubs, Julia Rossi. Just not you. A lot of people like pews and they spit them out and they rub them on their face and shit. I like Brugas bagel. Nice poppy seed with cream cheese and some turkey with a tomato.

It's a pubes. Salt and pepper and some pubes. No, when you live in New York, though, you can't go to Brugars? No, you don't. That's a fucking cheese. Gentiles. It's like I was in Long Island and I saw a guy on the elevator with like fucking Domino's pizza.

I hate that. I can't over like a 10 year old. Little John or Papa John's. Papa John's. When you see him go to Papa John's or Domino's in New York, what the fuck is wrong with you? We have Olive Garden on Times Square. And when I said, you want to just sit out there with a fucking missile and just shoot people, pick up off. That would be tremendous just to shoot people

outside of Olive Garden, Manhattan. And then go on like pirate TV on the news. We would shoot you in New York. You want to go to the Outland Go to Burbank, bitch. And then an All of Gun commercial would come up like right after you and came up.

When you hear you get shot. Where's Tony Bennettcock second? I've been trying to put it on for a while. Is this the music that will play while we shoot people? No, this is false. No, he wouldn't.

I want to be around. Oh shit. If you want to have a rampage joy, I can see you. Fuck up cuck, I'm a cuck, sucker. This is Tony Bennett. Oh. On a bad day, I think I have his nose.

He's a beautiful man. Yes, he's a man. That's the word. That's the key word. How fucking high are you? Oh, my God. Good. We're going to eat another star.

No, we're not. Yes, we're going deep. Look at that. We're going deep tonight. How many of these did you eat? Uh, I have one full. One full of those. Green.

And then I had about 50 milligrams of that big star. What's the next? Oh, that thing? Yeah. This one, yeah. So, it's going to be a fun. It's Monday night. It's, we're missing Duke against Wisconsin right now, but who gives a fuck? We're doing a podcast.

We're talking about Julia. How bad do they feel, though? Who? Kentucky. Everybody in their mother had Kentucky. I know. Every bookmakers at home going, who gives a fuck about the final? Everybody had Kentucky, and we fucking, I don't know what the line was, so I really can't tell you.

I can't contribute anything to this. No, you don't know about this. You don't want to know. I don't even want to know. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. He knows about everything. He knows about baseball, but when he talks about the Boston Rest House, he goes, we. He's the bat ball.

I don't do that. Do you do that thing where you're like when they win, you go, we won. Yeah, all the time. But then when they lose, you go, they lost. Probably. We won today because waiting through three three touchdowns. I knew we were going to win because the defensive back was lacking. Leo go fucking bad.

I wish I knew that much about football. You bad, motherfucker. So what's for dinner? Any leftovers over on Tassel Lee? Yeah, she gave me leftovers. What do you got? How many of you got to that? No, it's just like a dish.

It's like some beef, it's like spicy sauce. You got a couple tamales? No. A couple fucking, uh, those things you wrap them with tortillas. Tortillas? Nothing. She makes them, they're really good. They're very good.

You're very lucky. You have a nice, did you bring her flowers yesterday? No, because Paul wanted to go home like a fucking sleut. We go to this part. I'm telling you we went to this party yesterday. I don't fuck it. Listen, I don't fuck it. Oh, Steve's house, he said, right?

That's Steve's a great guy, but everybody brought these nice desserts. I showed up with a Carvel cake. We just sank the boat. Wait. Carvel just fucking overthrows everything. The best part about the cake is something. What did it say? Happy birthday, yeah.

Jesus came out of the cave. Happy birthday, right? What do you say when you pop out of a cave after three fucking days? Hey. I thought you were dead. Happy birthday. Here I am, Cuckuckers. Slinging dick and giving out puberty is.

Fuck it It was happy birthday It was written in Puvicare's No I was written But it was fun Thank you for Steve Simone For having this show It was a lot of fun to make it feel like home

And he made a great lasagna But Lee was like eating every fucking cake And cupcake and fucking Oreo And I'm like Why are wasting your calories on all this garbage No the Oreo coming is good You know what this shit did you take the Oreo Cook cupcakes home

No I couldn't Were they good What was it was the Oreo filling Orio on the top For the frosting in the top and isn't the fucking thing too No I don't I only have one So did you eat the whole cupcake? I had one cupcake

You're only supposed to eat the frosting you fuck What? You have to tell you. So I got to do with this fucking yeah Oh wait I wanted to say something I got too high last week It was Tolkienler's birthday And I forgot to say happy birthday He's a good birthday

He's recovering and everything's all right He's doing awesome He got his kidney from Mexico I don't know what he got from where But yeah I was too high Happy birthday talking lady is a good dude Listen to the podcast

So what's next for you'll be Lazi, what's going on in your world right now? Why are you in L.A.? Why I'm in L.A.? Well, I came to do shows and I came to record this, or film this thing, well, for True TV. How to Be a Grownup. So I'm going to be on some episodes of that next season.

And then for me, so I have my web series, Seeing Other People with Brooke Van Poplin that you can watch at Seeing Other People series.com. And then I'm recording my new album at New York Comedy Club June Thursday, June 25th. I'm excited about it. Your comedy club is hopping? Yeah.

Where is it? 30 something, street still? I think it's 26 between second and third. I remember one that I went and a bunch of my buddies were there and it was the guy who was there was the driver when we mug the hooker when we were in high school. So this is 20 years

later. He came with some friends. He came back for around to him? No, he came over just to watch me. And I remember going for a walk. Like I was nervous. You know, and in those days I'd do comedy once a week. And it was always like a mind fuck, you know, like it was always like a big thing.

And I remember going for a walk, walk, walk, walking, walking, walking right up to Spark Statehouse. Where Paul Costalano got shot, going, this is an moment. I'm going to get fired. I'm going to die to that, like going, I walked up on a dead crime scene. Now I'm going to die on stage. You know, like I just, but he was very good to me always at the New York Comedy Club in the beginning. He let me go up a couple times. That's fucked up.

That was such a long time ago. Mm-hmm. I feel like when I was at the comedy stores forever ago, 10 years ago, it feels like a long time ago. Well, the beauty of it is like I see girls like you and Kyra Soltonovich. And I look at you, you've grown up into a woman. You're a beautiful woman. Oh, thank you. When I first met you were just a young fucking girl.

I don't know if you were scared and I was just breaking your balls before. But I still remember your Italian brown eyes. I'm like, this is all new to you, you know. Oh, yeah. You're in the fucking major leagues at the comedy store. You know, for people I've said it a thousand times. And you go to the comedy store, even if you just go to the hang out, you feel like you're getting watched.

Like you're being watched at all times. Like, you're in the major leagues. You just don't get stroll into the comedy store, especially for somebody like you that had been on stage a couple times. I never knew that. You know, Mitzie liked you and threw you to the wool. She saw something. So what she saw, she was correct.

You're still in the game. You just wasn't no flash in the pan. But she threw you, you know, she put you up early. I remember that, right? When you eat early in the night? Yeah, like would she put you up at 9? Or would she put you up at midnight? No, she would put me at the OR all different times.

And then I think the first time I did in the main room was like the all-girls show, my third month there. And then I would host open mics in time, the potluck on Sundays once in a while. I remember this, I think the first time I ever hosted potluck, Dice came in, did like, you know. Three hours. Whatever it was. And so I went outside, I hung out, and then he was like, where's that dummy? Where's that dummy who's hosting? Get that dummy back on stage.

And I just, again, because I didn't know. I was just like, don't call me a dummy. Like, I, like, got on stage and got all, like, feisty. But I remember his other time Eddie Griffin was upstairs, and he was just making these horrible rape jokes. They just had no fucking good. They're bad. And the original home? No, upstairs in the belly room.

He did these, like, and I didn't know who he was. Because I was just, like, so new to come. and he made these horrible rape jokes and I had just gotten to L.A. with my sociology degrees, so I was like, can't talk about women like that. And I was like, well, the only way that Eddie can get laid is, so if he rapes a girl, then I'm not surprised.

And the audience fucking went bananas. And then one of the door guys was like, you know that's Eddie Griffin, right? And I was like, I don't know about it. Like, I, that was the attitude I had. I wasn't, um, it wasn't that I was like super confident. I just was clueless. You know what I mean? And I kind of, I want a little bit

of that again, of that like, whatever. Like I don't know what that is He's not gonna put me in fucking undercover brother or whatever You know what I mean like what So that was my time there I just hear horror stories from girls in comedy And you read them Holy shit

What the fuck happened You just moved in the whole table Holy shit You know Listen I'm not gonna tell you I never busted a girl's ball at the comedy store for her talent. You know, I'd bust her door.

I'd bust her bowls. Maybe late night we're drinking and you had a couple cartels and you're doing drugs or something. But I never really got into it. But there was one girl at the comedy store that told his dad, I don't remember what her name is. We got into a conversation one night.

She came into the comedy store and she wanted just to do a spot. And I go, I wish I could help you. And she goes, if anybody can help me, it's you, you can help me, you're the host of it. It's like on Sunday night. And I go, I don't know you. And she goes, I'm from Cincinnati, wherever the fuck she was. And, you know, Mitchie Shores in the building.

And if Mitzi would see me, and I just didn't let her up. I couldn't do anything. I remember going to the window guy and the guy says, he's going to be a regular, bro. You're going to get yelled at and shit, you know. And I always felt guilty about that. I didn't put her up. I never seen it again. I don't know if she ever did comedy again.

She had like glasses and red hair And she said she had featured for all these people And she was a regular at some club And Cincinnati whatever the hot club was Then go bananas I think Whatever But I wasn't mean to her You know what I'm saying? I was telling her the truth

She took it Like if I was mean Like when we were outside She goes if I suck your dick You put me on stage And I go I didn't say that You did I'm just saying I can't put you up

This is not my But I never busted a girl's balls about her town. One night Le Maire was on stage and I was really stoned and I was on the side of the comedy store. And sometimes you don't even need to be stoned. Sometimes you're just thinking of a thought. Sometimes your mind is just blank. And just like that guy that didn't know he had the earphone, that he thought he was whispering, LeMay was up on stage and she said, I've never, ever, ever had plastic surgery in my life. And me in the back

of my mind, I said, stop it. And I thought I was saying it to myself in my head. Oh, no. And she's like, who said that? And me and John Caparillo was in the other side. We just died. Because I didn't knew I had said it. You know, there was the girl who sued

Don Barris. What was her name? Oh, I don't know. She just made it come back to the store. You know, I didn't... Why she sued Don Barris? Because Don Barris used to torment her. Wow. But she used to get up on the store and just die. She was an older Italian woman from Brooklyn.

Judy Kenciotti. She sued Don Barris? Yes, she took them to court or something like that. So Judy Kenciatti would get on stage at the fucking comedy store and I would cut through the outside bar. And if you go through the outside bar, you can get behind the stage in the original room. And I dropped my pants and I go behind them, just open the curtain and close it. So she would come up to me after with a bunch of people.

and go, that was the best set of my life. Like, she didn't know I was getting behind her and opening up the curtain, showing people my dick, and people would die of laughing and I closed the curtain, and I just sit back there for ten minutes. I did shit like that. Yeah. But I never tortured

the girls. Like, I hear women get fucking tortured at the store. I mean, there was two guys in particular that were just super nasty. There were door guys that eventually were, like, non-paid and then maybe paid after. I don't really know.

But they hated me. I was nice. I was whatever. They just hated the fact that I walked in there, got me to pay a regular right away, and didn't pay my dues or whatever. And they were just fucking horrible to me. There was this one time,

but all the other door guys were great to me. And like everyone who, I mean, Chewy was always had my back. And like you, like there was a lot of people that were really sweet to me. And I get it. I get that you're mad. I guess you worked hard taking,

looking at ID. and you're mad that I'm funny and talented and happy. Really mad that I'm happy. Super mad that I was a happy person. And there was this one night that I was hosting Potluck on a Sunday. And these two guys were the door guys. And remember that pimp that would come? Do you remember there was a pimp that would, like, he was dressed like a pimp?

I don't know if he was a comic or what. Was he a big guy or a shorter pimp? Because I remember the, that's a fuck up question. I think. I remember the tall pimp. No, I think he was the shorter pimp. He was a black guy, a big hat, like, purple or suit. I don't know what he had, but he...

Purple jumps. He, like... There was a Pimp name ever heard. He interrupted me, or he interrupted some... I don't know what, but he was causing, like, he was getting aggressive and, like, coming toward the stage, and I was yelling for door guys to come help me. They just stood in the door and laughed at me and didn't come help me. And that was one of a situation that was like, so you... This guy could hit me.

You know what I mean? Like, that was probably the only time that I felt really scared as a woman. and just also felt really hurt because I was like, it's okay if you don't like me, but your job is to protect the comics, and you're not doing it. And that was the only time I felt...

Fucking pimp. Yeah, I felt really... My gender really... Like, do you know what I mean? I was really aware of my gender, because I wasn't really aware of my gender when I was there, and I'm not really too...

I'm aware of my gender and comedy in that I speak from a female perspective, because I'm a woman, and I don't know any other perspective, but I'm not really that aware of my gender in that, oh, I'm not as funny as, I just, I don't know, maybe because I've been

doing it a while, but I don't even like to acknowledge that anymore. You guys have your own world. You guys have your own thing. I mean, I wouldn't have a fucking want to compete with a woman at all. It's just, you know, it's so funny, like I did that, you know, this is not happening, and when it went online, I just looked at the first couple comments, but I won't. Oh, you shouldn't do that. I know, I know, but I wouldn't

get in the hole, but I looked at the first few. I know. I know. I know. But like, I was like, let me just, because some, like, some people said nice things. And I was like, oh, this one guy. So my story is about, I get shit on my hand. And then at one point in the story, I also shit in Tupperware. That's in my story that happened. And this one guy writes, this one guy writes, ugh, another female comic talking about typical female comic stuff. I was like, what other female comic shat in Tupperware? I would love to meet her because I feel so alone about the fact that I should. You know what I mean? Like, you, you, I, Another typical female topic. Like, what is female comedy stuff? And also, of course I'm going to talk about female stuff. I'm a fucking woman. So that's definitely been a switch, I think, for me in the past couple years. It was like, I think there was a while in the middle where I tried to pull back a little bit

on talking about, like, anything that was too female because I didn't want to alienate. And this is when I was going through, like, you know, the comedy identity crisis that I think a lot of comics go through. But then, like, in the past few years, like, even more so now, I'm like, what else can I say about my period. What else can I say about tits and shitting and like I don't fucking care anymore. Like it's real shit and smart intelligent men will appreciate

it and idiots that hate women and will always hate women will hate it and oh well they're not my audience and I feel bad for them. I really do. I feel bad for angry men because life could be so much nicer. I've always had a weird

respect for women in comedy because I know I know how dangerous they can be. You know, a woman gets pissed off. She could be fucking dangerous up on stage. Like, if I was a woman and guys fucked with me, I'd do what guys do is you eat a rosebeep sandwich and you get the pen and piece of paper and go to work

and go up there and lash out. You know, I'm like, just lash out. And I go up and say, fuck, man. But I've always been a fan of that shit. Like, I've always been, I like watching women kill. I like to watch a woman Over the last couple of years Everybody has stupid opinions about women

First of all I hate when they say women comedy We're all comedians Yeah I always hate it And I played the game when I got here About Latino comedy black comedy Look at the end we're all fucking comics Yeah

Just come on down and watch the fucking show You know But also That's it What's the big fucking deal Come on down I remember talking to someone about women in comedy And she was a comedian

She was like Well when I used to work in computer programming I also experienced sexism. And then like someone else was like, yeah. I mean, every, I know it's a, it's a, it's a, all these articles that come out about women in comedy and sexism and all this stuff. Like, I get it, but I'm also like, but it's not comedy that's sexist. The world is sexist. Every industry has sexism.

It's, it's the sadness of society. They're got, not all guys. I'm not, I love men. If I didn't love men, this wouldn't hurt me so much. Do you know what I? I mean because I know a lot of men who are wonderful and respectful and

don't fucking freak out at the word feminist. All feminist means is you think men and women should be treated equally and with kindness. And when I hear a woman say I don't like to be called a feminist, I'm like the fact that you have the right to say that out

loud makes you a feminist. You know what I mean? Like, just it's I don't know. To me life's pretty easy. If I tell you something, Did you hold it against me any of you guys? What? I don't even know what a feminist means. I don't give a fuck.

See, I came from a single mom that was Cuban, and she had the immigrant mentality. But you are a feminist. All, everything you just said makes you a feminist. What do you mean? I don't even know what the fuck a feminist is. I just told you what it means. It means that men and women should be treated equally.

That's never going to happen. I feel like we can have a thought that that happens. I don't want my two-year-old daughter. to think she's ever going to be treated equally like a woman. She's not. It's just not going to fucking happen. They're going to tell you. They're going to blow smoke up your ass. It's like the gay football player.

Oh, my, who kept them? Where did he play last year? Ain't going to happen. Ain't never going to happen. I want you to think that. I don't ever want you to think they're going to treat you the same. Who's they, though? Whoever these fucking morons are. The two-door men at the comedy store. There's still people that live in

1940. But it's not saying that you think, I course I know people aren't going to always treat me the same. That's because there's always going to be horrible people. But it's the same way as saying, like, telling a black person or a gape or whatever, that they're, we all know, like, we all know discrimination happens. We all know that sexism happens. They're not saying it doesn't exist. But if you as a person don't partake in that, then yeah, then you shouldn't be a,

a month ago, I'm walking past the fucking TV at the hotel, right? We all go to bed. We put something on. We wake up the next moment. We leave the breakfast. We don't pay the electrical bill. We leave it up. You come back.

And they're in there talking, you know, three black women and a white chick. But if they work at firms, and they're not making the same money that the guys in the office are. And I'm sitting there going, I agree that you deserve the same amount with the same education.

But you're not going to fucking go. These motherfuckers don't think like that. But it's never going to change if nobody talks about. Right. No, no, no. Oh, I agree with you. Where my wife used to work. Yeah.

at the Hollywood Bowl. The one chick had the job, and they gave it to a guy. And when we went out to dinner, I looked at it, and I go, how long I know you? You're in shock. You're a 40-year-old woman, and this shocks you? You should be shot in Holland, because you know the fucking deal.

And I don't want you to think that way, but I also want you to look behind the curtain. It's like when I call my age and go, how come on them going for pilot season? I'm a funny guy. Yeah, you're right, but you're also 52. They don't write a lot of it. I know this going in. You know, what the fuck are you giggle about, cuck, sucker?

I don't want you to be mad at me. I'm just saying that this is, oh. No, I would be mad at you if you said that happens and it's okay. But so as a woman, though, I'm not going to say, oh, I know that that happens. Guess I can't do anything about it and fucking roll over and play dead. No, not at all. Not all. I'm going to fight as hard as I can to get what I want.

To get what the fuck you want. Absolutely. And every man and woman should do that. But, like, I mean, those women on TV have to talk about it, or else people are going to, you know, even if one person hears those women talk on TV and starts to do their business differently, then it made a difference, you know?

I mean... I know it's not as much, but isn't it also kind of weird that, like, if there's sexism towards men, like, it just no one really seems to care about it? Where is their sexism towards men? I don't know, I'm way too high right now to know that. to the answer to that, but my girlfriend and I were talking, and I forget. But there's still in the industries, I guess, where they have female-only magazines

or, I don't know, certain jobs that are geared towards only women. I don't know exactly right now, but there has to be some sort of... I'm having a real hard time feeling sympathetic. You know, two people are to me, listen, guys, I was raised in the 70s, and I was raised with a woman who lost her husband, and she loved him dearly, and he left her some options, and she made the right choice, and she went, And she worked hard every day. And I saw a gunning out with men.

So I've always cheered for women because that's what I came from. My dad died. My ball's going to come from my dad. My balls came from my mom. When I got beat up and lied to her that I didn't, the next day I came home. She took me to the park and she goes, pick one of these motherfuckers. You're fighting today. I came from one of those fucking houses.

So that's why I never listened to another prop again. Because a woman takes what the fuck she wants to take. It's up to her. It's up to her. you could listen to all this shit but these motherfuckers really don't believe it they just tell you that to comfort you you know that they just tell you that they come for you

but in the back of their minds they still got a six fucking foot inch dick but it's the woman who goes I don't give a fuck about your dick I'll take that motherfucker I'll chop it off sticking your throat stick it in your ass and I'll stitch it back on like Frankenstein's 4 that's the woman that I want to be with

you know what I don't want no fucking meat brought in it's that's fucked up that's true But that's how a woman has to think in today's society, so that shit never happens. He's going to accuse you of being sexist toward men. Okay, no. Talk about cunning on the thing. Yeah, that's true.

If Julia walks into this office, if tomorrow Julia comes in here, whatever fucking name is, Ms. Marzzi comes in here tomorrow and says, Joey, I want a job with you at the podcast. I'm like, okay. And the first day she comes in here, I go, Julia, your ass is banging.

And she giggles and turns around. Julia just lost the fucking war. What? Julia just lost a battle. If Julia turns around and goes, Joe, we've been friends with 10 years. Listen, don't ever fucking say that to me again. Julia is either going to get fired.

I'm not going to talk to or I'm going to give all the respect in the world. Where I come from, I'm going to give you all the respect in the world because you turned around and told me to go fuck myself. 60% of these Gentiles that walk around LA, they'll fire you. Or they'll stop talking to you because you called them out. Me, I'm old school. I'll go home and say she's a fucking cock sucker. But that next day while I'm shaving,

I said she had some pair of balls. She weighs a buck 10 with a fucking, with Ziti in her pocket, and I weigh fucking 300 pounds. No, I wish you were a buck 10. Do you understand what I'm coming from? So a woman takes what the fuck she wants. I'm old school. If a woman's going to walk in and then two years from now,

say Joey's sexually harass me, but you stay there for two fucking years. So go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. You should have called him out the first fucking day. I know you need the job. I know you got a kid. I don't know.

But you know what? You're a woman. You got nice titty. shake those motherfuckers up and seize his palace up there whatever i don't know i don't fucking know but it's better than sitting on a tv and say i get beat on every day you follow me i don't ever want a woman to hear that i have a wife i went to eddie bravo's tournament last month and it was all these jiu jihitsu men but the star the tournament was a nine-year-old chinese girl a korean girl gustason gloria gusterson and i watched this fucking woman fight a woman that was this nine-year-old girl fight a

girl that was 15 pounds everything at tall and I saw her throw this girl around with jiu-jitsu because she used great technique and it brought me the tears I got so emotional the next day Eddie goes what did you think and I call him I go Eddie that makes me seeing that little girl do that

gives me hope from my daughter that she'll never fucking get thrown in the bush on her back do you understand that you know women are fucking real man so I don't know what the fuck feminist is I don't know what the anti-women means. I don't know that shit.

I want a woman to be fucking strong. Yeah, and teach girls Judith's too, but someone should also teach boys not to throw girls in bushes. That's my, that's one of my biggest... But I want you to be prepared for that motherfucking bush. I don't want you coming home and saying, Daddy threw me in the bush.

Fuck you, go get a stick, and beat that motherfucker tomorrow in front of that soda stand. But there should also be... Okay, I... You come from Italian House. You know what I'm talking about. Women should take self-defense. absolutely, but it shouldn't always be like, girls, there's all this,

it's all information about how girls should protect themselves. Someone should be teaching boys, hey, don't rape. You know what I mean? Like, it's pretty. Don't you think they do? I mean, not as much. Don't you think it's just someone's a bad person? How much do you have to hate a woman to take her in a bush? I know.

How much do you have to hate a woman? I like to have a good time. To stick my finger up some woman's ass. We all do, Julia. You know what I'm saying? You do a couple Coke rocks. We drink some wine. I like, eating some ass. I'm a freak, but I swear to my mother's grave. I never could put a pill in a woman's drink and fuck her law. She's passed out. It's just not my, even though I'm horrible in bed. I come in a minute. I would never dream of doing that to a woman. That's just not. I love my mom. I don't know what it's got to do with. I don't know what the fuck it's got to do it. I don't

know. Who the fuck knows? Why would somebody do something like that? Man, this conversation took a turn. Why would somebody wait in a bush and grab you by the throat and try to take your pants off on my So many reasons. I just don't get it. I never understood that. I never understood how a man could have a picture of five-year-old on the computer. I understand how if a drug dealer walks in here right now and he's got a kilo of Coke, I know I understand how I could put the gun to his head and take it from him.

I get that. I never understood how pornography. I never understood none of that shit, but that's just me. I also never understood stealing the car. You know, when they pull you over, you're in the car. I can't talk myself out of that. What about Aaron Hernandez? That's fucking crazy.

He was doing PCP. Who the fuck does PCP in 2015? I think it's bullshit. I think it was smoking dope, but he's blaming on the PCP. They all do. Back to Julia Rossi here. So that's my feminism stuff. I think we, honestly, I think we solved it.

I think all the listeners are going to become kind humans after in this conversation. Oh, they got to do something. You know, they got to do something. It's weird. You talked about the past. You know, the comedy store went through a lot of different phases. Like, and when the Tupac gets shot, 96 and 97, but like from 90 to 93, Tupac came out at the comedy store. Really?

That bullet hole in the fucking stage by the main room is Tupac. There was a shootout in the main room. I had no idea. It was shot in 96. She sold like a 93-92. His room is at the store having, you know, it was a black club. Eddie Griffin was the star. Mm-hmm.

And Tupac would go up there and see him and Martin Lawrence. And they had gun detectors at the door. Really? Yeah, at the Comedy Store. You know, and then it calmed down for a while. But then there's the Pimp you talked about. But I don't know if you guys from St. Louis that robbed the bank. They used to hang out at the store with Chewy.

And they had a phone place down in Compton down there, right in Crenshaw, down there. And a bad neighbor. They had a phone place where you went to get pages. This is 98, and he would buy phones. So at night at the store, I would be flat broke, and I would hang on at the store, and I would wait for somebody to go to a window and say, I lost my phone.

Don't anybody find it? And I'd run and take their fucking phone, and take them to the place the next day and selling. That's how broke I was. You know, you got to do what the fuck you got to do at the store. But they hung out at the store all the fucking time. Then they robbed this bank, and they all went to jail for a long time.

But they were at the store every night. But you stole phones from people? No, I didn't steal them. I stole him from the Lost and Found box, is what I'm saying. Like I would go in the afternoons and go, anybody find the phone last night? And they'd go, now why? Go look downstairs. I would go downstairs and take all the cell phones, like two of them.

And take him down to that guy, and he'd give me like $80. Whatever. At least I'd like, it's weird that different generations of thieves that have hung out at the comedy store. Like, you remember the pimp? There was a couple pamps, and there was a chick. He used to pimp out that lived in Ari's building. next to the sandwich place. What's next to Ari's building?

Pink dot. She was like a mulatto girl. She was mixed and she had an affront. I've not heard anyone use that other than my father. And she had sores her on her lips. So listen to me, it was in that complex. It was Brian Holtsman, Ari, and Princess Corey. I don't know Princess Corey.

Princess Corey used to be the talent coordinator. She used to be married to Freddie Sona. Oh. So Princess Corey, this is. way before she became the talent court. She was the bartender at the store. So she did blow. I did blow.

So I would hang out with Princess Corey from time to time to a couple bumps. So Princess Corey would have after parties at that place. And I remember one night I went to that place and I was snoring blow. And the pimp looked at me and he goes, you're looking to meet somebody tonight? And I didn't know he was a pimp.

Like, what are you talking about? You know, I didn't know. I was like three in the morning. And he pointed to the mulatto girl with the sores on her feet and shit. She looked like Jesus with them sores on her feet and shit. I was like, how are you pimping this fucking hemophiliac out? And that's the last time I seen that. I don't know what happened to her.

She used to buy Coke from Chewy. All those people, Chewy drew all those people in Slash. Tommy Lee used to come there at night. It was fucking crazy. The store when I got there was crazy. But then you came years later. The fucking little Julia Ryan. How's he looking at him walking around, like Rocky's wife all shy.

Look at her now. She's a fucking big girl now, you know what I'm saying? How are you feeling Lee Coxuck? You're going to go home and eat those tacos? Yeah, and they're not tacos, but yeah. What are they? They're just meat, meat and potatoes. Just meat.

Oh, no, Leo fucking killed. Lee goes home now. He'll kill that motherfucker. The mother used to work at a restaurant, so she doesn't know how to make, like, small portions. And he'll walk over the menchies and get a fucking little yogurt frozen bag. Oh, no, I can't leave. the house. Let me give some shout out here. My main man, Jose Velasquez

and Amber, having a little baby up in Ventura. I did that Chinese restaurant up there. The Hong Kong man on Friday night, you've got to get on this tremendous. My man, Camilo books. It's fucking great little comedy community. There's like five young comics go up first.

The shrimp and lobster sauce was not bad. The shrimp fried rice was off the fucking chain. What was good about it? The shrimp were good. It tasted. authentic. You know, it didn't have a lot of peas, peas and carrots to throw you off. Like, I'm a great vegan. I like that much. I don't want it overwhelming.

The fucking pork that, da, da, da, da, the shrimp fried rice. You understand me, but I had a good time up there. My girl, so one more shout out to Jose Velasquez, big time fan of the podcast. He knows I love him. Leah Hernandez, you sexy bitch. Michael Rizzo, Saul Wren, Joey Collins, Will Sassow's, Cath, Adam Dumac, and Lori Punky 42, you sexy bitch.

You know, I love you too. You know what else? What else you got playing this week? You went to the gym today? Yep. You got to burn off that Carvel fucking cake ate yesterday. I made meatballs, gee. Tell me the truth.

Two. I had three. They were good. They were delicious. Fucking delicious. I love Italian. You cook? I do cook.

What do you cook, too? I make really good meatballs. I do pasta. I made pasta sauce. Tiramisu. you're a bad motherfucker You're a good chick to marry You're good, you know

What's going on with this guy from Chicago You're going to marry this guy? What are you going to do? Yeah, yeah, we'll see Really? You like him that much? Oh, he's, yeah, I'm super... And he's a headliner also?

Yeah, he's, he's, uh... He just got to Chicago Or you just got to New York like Almost two years ago And he hosts this Sunday at the knitting factory His name's Will Miles He's great Okay, yeah

And you get along with him? I mean, ridiculously about And you want to travel with this fucking dude This is why you're going to become comic to get peace of mind to go on the road and not so you get finger banged but you go on the road to have different adventures not to have some guy beating down your throat yeah we're starting a podcast and a show soon we're going to have like couples that are both like comics or couples that are both musicians and come on and talk about love and relationships and all and stuff yeah i love

working with him he's awesome super happy who else is a comic that's married the guy tom carter Tom Carter His girlfriend Luca Palanka And Tammy Pasquettelli Sigura Tom Seguer And Christine Pizinski

There's Bonnie and Rich Ross That's right There's a lot of I mean I know a lot of couples That are dating That I'm friends with That are comics

It's very interesting How you You go to this You know This place is during the week And you don't even go in there With the intention Of getting late

You go in there At the intention of doing comedy and just whatever. Then you start flirting somebody. It's what a fucking weird scene that is and you attract to somebody who... I don't know. It's kind of weird when you... I dated a comic. I liked it and I didn't like it.

There were things I liked and there were things I didn't like. We're not competitive. That's, I think, the main thing that works. We just were very, very, very supportive of each other's career. No, it wasn't about the competitive. It was the shit like... you know if I got a gig call the booker see if he needs an opener

you know type deal and you feel bad I don't want to work with you I love you to death let's just meet at the house about one right we'll drink some wine and we'll roll some joint I don't want to be around yeah see we like working with each other so now you do yeah

four years yeah two more years you're like listen you go to the upper west side I go to fucking Jersey leave me the fuck alone all right I'll be home at one we'll see no I wish you the bad no you know I'm just saying I just I always like my getaway. You know, my wife is an accountant, you know.

So when I go home at night, I ask her about business aspects of comedy. I don't have to ask her about talent aspects of comedy. So I didn't know what it would be to be on the couch and for her to come home and go, you know what this guy is? He called me a bitch or whatever. That would add extra drama to my fucking world. Yeah. Plus, I like getaways.

I've always enjoyed going to places where people don't talk to me about. comedy. Yeah. We, we, we're pretty good at shutting off comedy talk. But you get home. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we like smoke weed and watch parenthood and that's it. And then we, and you live together now. We're moving in together me first. Jesus Christ almighty, what the fuck? Everybody wants to move together. Yeah, he wants, he's, this is first time here. He loves it here. So now he's like, let's go to L.A. I'm like, okay. Where is he tonight? We're both, he's at a show called The Business and And we're both doing a show at UCB at 11 called Tash Chest. Yeah.

On a fucking Monday night. Yeah. The one in Los Felice? The one in Franklin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Los Felice. Yeah. Next to, have you been there before? To the upper...

Oh, no, no, not the one on Sunset, the other one. Right, right, right, right. Los Felice. Have you been to that one? Yeah, yeah, just did a show there Saturday. They got a place next door like a chicken place. Birds. Birds.

Yeah, that's the one that we're out tonight. You go there fucking going there tonight? Oh, I've eaten birds so many times. The chicken soup. Oh, yeah? Oh, shit. The soup. Oh, you know what I'm saying?

You see, you're motherfuckers like, Joe, you don't know what you're talking about. Listen to me. You don't go in to anybody can make a fucking chicken. It's a shame we pay ten bucks for a chicken. This was great. Ten bucks for a chicken. You paid this fucking moron for salt and pepper in a good oven. But they do.

But they do have great chicken soup. It's kind of spicy. You're going to hate me. I don't love soup. Hold on one second. You think I walk up and down the street yelling I like soup? People's got fucking mushroom soup and shit. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm just telling you that, you know, sometimes people go in there and you need, what are your choices when you go in the fucking whatever? You get a half a chicken, a quarter chicken, a whole chicken, chicken catchetory, chicken flambay. You know what? I'm going to have a little chicken soup. Thanks for the suggestion.

Yeah, you never fucking know. Maybe tonight after the show they want to go on and get a drink. Everybody, why be like everything, all the other more? So this chicken skin, this. And the fuck you. I'm going to get the chicken soup. You're going to be so fucking happy you had. It's got a little whine to it.

It seems like a Puerto Rican made it, but not really. A white dude. It's lost release. You know, what the fuck are you giggling about? You didn't know what Puerto Ricans cook like. You're fucked. I used to you. Where do you live in the city, Julie?

Right now I live in Williamsburg, but I'm moving over to Boreham Hill. What do you think about Williamsburg? How much they changed it? I mean, I like it because I'm used to it. I'm familiar with it, but I feel old now. older it's young it's fucking every place is young older places to the hip don't become hip

because 50 year olds move there and they're doing the bamba no it's because 20 year olds and tight pants and little fucking glasses are walking around saying this water tastes delicious that's only fucking read you love the bamba reference what's that the labamba reference was great

come on who do you think you're dealing with some fucking novice I got two three stars of me I got a piece of that other shit I got some dynamite in my pocket I'm ready to go well thanks for the guest I'm leaving with all these. Listen, man, I want you to partake. I don't want you to drink and drive tonight.

I'll eat one of those edibles in drive. But when you get back to your apartment in New York, you take that taffy, you give half to your fucking fiancee there. You put your robes on, right? You put on HBO. You watch a Scientology fucking documentary? Yes. Have you watched that shit?

I tried to watch some of it last night, but I was too high and I went to sleep. It's too tough. Yeah, it's too, too. It was getting scared. Like, it was actually scaring me like a horror movie. Why would you watch that? It was good, but it was, I was, too high and I was by myself

and it was just the music intense. I couldn't do it. You know, when you look at a cult like Jonestown and they show you the people who are Jonestown, you could tell these people were disenfranchised. Some of them were black, some of them like what's, what's, what was Benigougu's mother? What are those people? What's the fucking fat kid that the mother, honey boo-boo.

They all look like Honey-Bubu's mother. Who did she say it for his honey-goo? Yeah, whatever, Benny Gougu. I don't fucking know. Honey-boo-boo-boos like, look those type of people. They go to Walmart, they play the lottery. They don't take care of themselves. They eat the mashed potatoes with turkey fried chicken. It's the best thing they've ever had in their life.

You know, and there's just people that like that. And some guy comes along and sells them something. And you can understand them. I knew a girl who grew up in a cult. And when she would tell me these stories, I could not process them. Like, your parents did what? Your parents met this guy in Mexico and moved to Indiana. and you all lived on a farm

and you all killed pigs and you ate every part of the pig you even made jello with the blood and then on top of that the guy fucked your mom and had kids with your mom while your dad slept in a separate room and at one point he had sex with all the girls while they were young and your dad allowed this and he's still alive like he hasn't fucking put a gun in his fucking mouth and blown himself and I would sit there

when I was dating this girl and setting myself in all my deepest times and all my addictions and going to prison I never thought of moving to an island with some dude who weighed 400 pounds and told people he was Jesus Christ and I bought that fucking envelope. Okay, so that's fine.

There's two types of people there. But the people that go to Scientology and put the fucking Navy suit on and salute that, did you see all that shit? Or did I fucking see that by myself? There wasn't no fucking Puerto Ricans that were disenfranchised. These are white people that come from nice fucking houses

and nice families. And one day they go, you know what? We're going to take a ride with this fucking fucking guy and his Martians. Because they lie to you at first. It's a self-help course for like two or three years. Then after you get to the top levels and they start telling you about our goal, that he comes back and there was

another civilization, and you've got to sit there and buy this fucking thing. Then they start terrorizing you. It's, Lee, you have to watch this. And I've heard this shit for years. My answer to the people when they're on Hollywood Boulevard, and they come to him when I ask you what your IQ is, keep fucking walking. You don't want

to know what your fucking IQ is. When you walk in that chamber of death, they have percentages. You think this William Hubbard, he owns billions of fucking dollars. Just three of his things. You see what they made? $100 billion, like over a billion. Three of his things. He's got 20

fucking businesses. And he has percentages. Like if you walk into that fucking thing, if you're retarded to find out what your IQ is, they're going to get 62% of those fucking people. It's amazingly. They punish you, they make you scrub windows and shit. And this is

This is just mind-boggling. And when you look at these people, these are intelligent people. These are the same people that hang out at fucking Starbucks, at 11 o'clock on their computers and tell your stories. I'd go into France in two years. Fuck them. What's up, my love? You got to go?

You got to do what you got to do. I'm happy that you came out. Any dates you want to produce, any dates you want to fucking yell out here? Let me just make sure it's the right date. The June, the CD recording or album recording. whatever it is now. June 25th at New York Comedy Club. It's like the main date.

And then I'm... Is there a website they can go to? They can go to the New York Comedy Club website, which I think is just New York Comedy Club.com. And then I'm touring, like, New Orleans, Atlanta, Tennessee at the last week of May. So... Go on your website.

Julia Rossi.com. G-I-U-L-A-R-Z-I-C-I-com. You're a bad motherfucker. I wouldn't have you on the best out. You didn't have a lot of... I love being a bad motherfucker. You know, I love you to death. this is not happening

and I told you I gotta get you on because there's something about you I like I have a funny feeling about you so thank you Joey you know I love you stay in my I love you too Lee what are you gonna do you gonna stare at me and fucking drool now like

get it together you stare at him like I got the answer it's like the end of the podcast there ain't no end she was leaving I was gonna talk to you and see what's cracker lack on you wait where's the bathroom that way there he's got to give you a key

I don't have a key for the woman's bathroom I just got the key to the camera I'm just teasing Look at your hair looks very nice You've grown up You're a woman now look at you It's amazing when I saw you And Kira were pregnant

And I'm like Jesus these girls Used to run around the store And you know Be cracking jokes They're still in the game And that's why I had her on Just to you know You hear all these knocks

Against women fucking comics And listen man So what? They're not your cup of tea Maybe they're not gonna fucking blow you Out of the water The way a guy would But they got something

to say, dog, I seen Felicia Michaels make motherfucking sweat, dog. I saw Felicia Michaels bury some fucking men. I saw a headline 20 years ago. It was something to fucking see. There's some deadly women out there, but I remember going to San Diego on time to La Jolla.

This is the type of respect I had. It used to be this comic at the store named Beaumont Bacon from Houston, Texas. They used to call her a female Sam Kennison. Oh, no. She had a lot of energy and a lot of fucking, whatever. She would go in the main room and destroy at the comedy store.

She would destroy in the original room. Now, let me tell you the psychology of comedy. Every night has a different psychology. But Saturday night, just like the mafia, it's date night. Okay? So what happens? If this room seats 240 people. Right.

And it's date night. And you have a majority of fucking people in their dating. Half of that audience is women. Right. You know what? How many fucking men could come on in front of women before they go, what the fuck? This is a sausage fest.

And I get it. I get it. I get it. I get it. Women that go to things and they see three men. And they go home and go, that guy was funny. That guy was funny.

There's a couple nights on Saturday nights that. Look at Lee. His eyes are spinning his head. That women want to fucking go out and see a woman do comedy. So I go to La Jolla comedy store. Wait, wait until Julia comes. in there. I go to the fucking La Jollaire Comedy Store and

I get there, Mike Marino's there and you got to hear this story real quick Julia and Mike Marino's there and he's co-headlining with Beaumont Bacon and I get to La Jolla and the first show

Beaumont Bacon is headlining and Mike Marino is featuring. That's why when I get there I go do you want to go eat? And Mike Marino says yes, and across the street from Hoyer Comedy Store, this used to be a great little sushi place slash Chinese food. Great little Sasuan chicken with fucking the red peppers and shit.

So while I'm meeting with him, I go, that's weird that you let Beaumont headline this show, and you're going to headline the second show. And he looks at me with the Chinese food in his mouth with a man's ego. And he goes, listen, I can follow anybody at the store. I could follow Beaumont Bacon. And in my mind, because I'm a fucking comic, I studied a game, I go, I'm thinking, this is not a good move for him. Because everybody knows it's date night on Saturday and Friday nights. So the room is covered with fucking women.

This isn't Thursday night where if there's 110 people, 80 of them are guys. Saturday's date night, you know. That's why I can't figure out what happened to you. But sometimes Saturdays is weird, late show. Sure enough, he's talking all this shit. how he could follow Beaumont. It's a 50-50 toss-up. If this chick would have gone fucking off,

Mike Marino's going to have a long fucking night following her. Guess what Joey did? Joey says, I'm going to sit here and watch this debacle. Sure enough, she went up there and had to set of her fucking life. And you bet your ass, Mike Marino, died to the 30-minute fucking mark. That's the fear I have a woman. because it's it's different every fucking night but on Saturday night a woman could steal a fucking show

even the Friday night Thursdays it's tough there's a woman go home they want to watch love stories and fucking you know 20-20 and who got raped and whatever the fuck is going on I love you bye good love thank you for coming on with my love and that's the fact Jack

you know that's what happens so that's the psychology of comedy sometimes it really is doesn't matter how funny the person is. You got to look at the majority who's in the room. I've seen Sam Tripley at the store and experienced Sam Tripley. Up on stage on a Saturday night early show in front of parents talking about fucking ecstasy.

He wasn't going. He went to Chinese people. It was a bus full of Asians. He's up there talking about ecstasy. They're staring at him like he, they don't know what the fuck. What's this guy talking about? Because that's the real deal. There's a lot more than just been. being fucking funny and just being having funny jokes.

A lot of it is the psychology of it. A lot of it is the fucking guy. Why do you think I never go out to credits? What do you mean? Oh, yeah, I don't, you know what I'm thinking about it? I don't want them focused. I know that I was on the longest shard, a grudge match, a marron.

I want them for me to be just another fat fuck. That's coming on stage. You understand me? I don't want them because I've seen a thousand people get comedians get there. And come here, wait, you're the MC? Yeah. My name is Joe Diaz. Make sure you say Marin and the longest show with Adam Sandler.

Make sure you sit a tonight show with Jimmy Fallon. Make sure. And you're up there half your fucking eight minutes. Is him in the back judging how you're going to say his fucking intro. Then he goes up there and the people forget you're a stand-up comic. They think this guy's a Messiah. And now you go up there and you don't fucking deliver. They're focused.

in their mind on the fucking credits. They're not focused on what's coming out of your fucking mouth. That's why when a girl has big tits, she's got to hide them. She can't go on stage with that cleavage. Because, yeah, they look good on stage to guys. But every woman is going to lock up on the fucking guys on the women because she's got a tit show. And if she covers those monsters and puts a jacket over them,

puts ace bandages over them and shit like that and flattens them out a little bit, then she mixes a lot more. That's why I've never gone on stage and say white people or black people. Because right away, you split the audience in half. I saw a comic that was very funny, and I go on stage in the first two minutes, he said, white, what do you call that one? White people have, like, they have it coming to them.

White privileged? White privileged. He lost the audience in the first two minutes. If he would have saved that joke to close, he would have gone out with that. It would have been a funnier joke. You would have got them to like him. But instead he went up to.

Dan talked about a white privilege jokes. Right away, the white people stand up straight. And the Mexicans start looking around, or the black people start looking around, or the Arabs start looking around. So you split the room in half. There's so many things that happen when you're on stage. And you get to learn them,

the more you get on stage, like Jiu-Jitsu, you know? Yeah, I was watching a special year the other night, and I was thinking something. You always talk about how you learned a lot about comedy by watching UFC. It's interesting to me, to watch a comic, it seems like you guys have, like, do you have certain jokes

that are kind of like certain punches to test out where the audience is and which way to go? Absolutely. Like, I was watching the special, and it wasn't going because it just seemed like he had like certain, like, things, and it seems like sort of the same, like, you can game plan for it. Well, you hear of the great fighters that they throw

jabby and they see what direction you're going to bob and that's why they throw the punch next day. Comics have things that they say that feels out the audience. I hate looking at the audience. and pre-judging an audience. I used to look and see a lot of people that were older. And by the way, I would tighten up.

I can't say this joke. I can't say this joke. I can't say this joke. So I don't judge an audience no more. When I go up there, I do not look at the audience. I look at the lights. That's why I don't look at the audience until about 15 minutes because I don't want to see their faces.

I just want to see those lights. I'll talk to the fucking lights before I look at the audience. If I get up there on stage, I want a certain energy. that I always can't tap into. So I take myself to a street corner in North Bergen when I was growing up on 76 and Kennedy Boulevard in front of Hashways.

If we were too loud, Mr. Hachshway would say they'd go away from the store for a cursing. So sometimes in my mind I put myself there so I get that same type of relaxed body energy. Because comedy is a lot of confidence, but if you're over the confident, you're going to bomb because the audience reads that overconfidence.

This motherfucker's cock. You ever going to see a comedy showing the guy's cocking? He's really even fucking funny. It's not that he's not funny. It's that his cockiness is beating his funniness. He's funny, but his cockiness is winning. What you want to do is a comic is be funny so it breaks everything else down. You know what I'm saying?

I feel you. You feel me, dog? How are you feeling, cock suck? I'm feeling good. I'm happy. I'm happy. We had a good weekend. We went to Easter.

We went to eat sushi on Good Friday. I think you. That was good. Went to get some salmon, a little Philly roll. We had the salad. Correct the Mundo. Correct the Mundo. We ain't nice and healthy. We don't fuck around.

They gave us miso soup without even the o'ring. They gave us miso soup, which is like fucking 120 calories, no cut. You follow me? We go to nice fucking places. If not, you'd be with your wife going to subway, getting that fucking subway cancer combo, the fucking turkey that came from Bulgaria. They coughed when it was alive. You don't want to eat that shit.

You know what I don't? What fuck you think you deal? I'm going to San Diego this weekend. I'm very excited. The American Comedy Company? Four shows, two on Friday, two on Saturday. But the clinker is next fucking Friday and Saturday. I got four shows again.

And beautiful motherfucking Houston, Texas at the improv. I ain't fucking around either. I'm getting off that plane. I'm going right to Chewys. I'm fucking that place up. You understand, at least I at. That should be fun. Yeah, I'm writing all week with Diagoste.

I got a couple spots this week. I'm going to tune my shit up. It's time. It's time to unleash the fucking furor. You should know. use that nickname. What's that? It should not be your nickname.

I'm the Cuban Fuhrer. I ain't killing her about it. I'm just getting my dick sucked and my balls lick like Biggie in 95. Oh, they're going to hate it. They're going to hate it. Who gives a fuck? What they're going to hate anymore? This is 2050.

Cuban Fuir. We are. You're still walking around thinking about Hitler and slaves. Go fuck yourself. All right? You're living in a fucking time zone. Get your shit together. What do you want to eat? You want to eat another edible? No, not even a little bit.

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That's how we rock it tonight. I hope you enjoyed Julia Rossi. I had to pick up the pace in this motherfucker a little bit, but that's how we do it. You understand me? I'm stone to the gills. I don't know about you. How about you, Lisa?

I am also stones the gills. What are you got going on? Lee, talk to me. What are you got tomorrow? I'm just doing some work? You're doing what type of? work. I'm trying to get this consulting thing off the ground. All right. And then what else

you're doing? You're doing any podcast? You're doing jumping jacks. You start doing the push-ups play. Did you know? I did. I did one push-ups. The Badgers beat them blue devils. God damn. They don't fuck around. Do you like college basketball? I've never liked it. I like it. College basketball

is as real as can get. What team do you follow? I mean, I don't follow nobody because every year the team's fucking changed. Every four years, there's draft. You got to stay on top of it. But I, you know. So you just watch

as a fan of basketball. I watched like with eight fucking teams in the tournament. That's what I do, okay? Because that's why I can't keep up. I got too many shit on my plate. But when I was a kid, I watched college basketball. I loved it. The finals, that Monday night when they come out. In fact,

32 years ago tonight, I got six-month probation for smoking weed. Congratulations. And I thought Houston beat fucking whatever, not Houston whatever the night Houston got beat by North Carolina State with Jim Valvano. I was in court

that night. I love all that shit. I love college basketball with all my heart. I'm just, you know, I wish I had more time to follow all that type of stuff. You know, we've got to do the podcast, we got to prepare stand-up comedy, I got take care of the baby. I got shit cracker lackingly. I got to eat my fucking edibles.

You know, I make time. I make time. You know, I'm out there banging every fucking day. What are you talking about? Another piece of edible before you go home for the ride. Nope. Nope, no, no, no. I love you guys. Don't forget Friday and Saturday.

I'm at San Diego at the American Comedy Company. Next motherfucking weekend, I'm in Houston, motherfucking, Texas at the improv. I can't wait. I'm going to lose my fucking mind down there. You understand me? It's been a while since I was down there. How about you, Cuck? Smoker.

Just listen to my podcast, Flangier Radio. I had my filter on last week. Okay. So that was very cool. Very nice. Yes. All right. That's it.

All right. Read the sponsors. Let's get out of here. We got shit to do with people. We'll get some heroin. Thank goodness. All right. That's it.

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