The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #272 - Brendan Schaub, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 9, 2015

Brendan Schaub, UFC fighter and host of The Fighter and The Kid Podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. 
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Recorded live on 04/09/2015.
 Music:
 Come Down on You - Bush Since Ive Been Loving You Led Zeppelin

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Go to Iron Dragon TV.com and use code for Joey to get two free rentals. Oh shit. Oh shit. Just when you thought it was safe, bitches. Thursday afternoon. Get your weekend fucking s. Are you kidding me or what? The church of what's happened now?

Lee Syatt, Brendan Sharvin, the house. going deep today. Denver, Boulder, the mountains. A lot of bodies up there. Kick that motherfucker Lee. Kick that motherfucker league. There you go. There you go. Sirius Radio is doing Guitar Month. So yesterday they celebrated the British people and they had this song

and I almost fucking crashed the car last mile on Laurel Canyon. Today's American guitarist. So if you're into all that shit, there you have it. Cuckuckuckers. Lee Syap, Brendan Sharp here. Colorado was a very hard sell for me. I was 19. I was in the middle of New York City.

Clubs were booming. You were going into clubs. You were doing blow out in the open. On the way out, they'd give you sunglasses at 7 in the morning. Brendan, it was crazy. Yeah. And I knew I had to leave. I knew I had to leave.

Why? Trouble? It was coming. I knew I wasn't going to make it as a young man. It was New York was overwhelming. New York, for a guy like me, was, you know, You know, at the age of 19, I knew where to go whether you wanted to buy a handgun, a bazooka, or an eight ball of Coke, or a $10 bag of weed. 24 hours, you know, when you have that access and those are, you know, food is always available.

But there was always, I had too much access in New York City, and I was getting myself into trouble. And I didn't know what to do. I had already gone to Arizona. It was nice, but it didn't grab. me. Hot and shit. I had already been to Sarasota in Clearwater, Florida.

I'm the lamb when I robbed the jewelry store. It was okay, but it didn't grab me. And one day I'm walking, I'm scamming, and I bump into NailedItLife.com's cousin.

Really? There are sponsors, oldest cousin. Oh, wow. He was 28, 29, maybe I was 18, 19. And I go, where you've been? He goes, I got a place

in the Aspen, Colorado, blah, blah. I go, That's fucking crazy. My buddy's been talking to going to Colorado. He was at Colorado Springs and got thrown out of the Air Force Academy. So he couldn't go back to Jersey, so he went to Aspen and became a garbage man. And he was loving it because people were giving them.

Oh, my God, people were giving them brand new shit. Lots of money. Lots of money in Aspen. Crazy money in Aspen. He met some other guys. When his brother graduated Brown, he made his brother come out, and they lived in a place called Holland Hills, who Dean Cain has a house standout

Dallon Hills It's in Basalt It's where a Goldie Horn lived Not in those Apartment complexes She lived down the corner Like at the end of that They call it a river

There's like a river I forget what the name of that river is Basalt River There was a restaurant there Brendan that you went in there You gave him ten bucks They gave you a fishing pole No they didn't

I swear my mother's gray How fun is that How creative is that? It's creative. You give them 10 bucks. They give you a fishing pole in that little stream within 10 minutes. The guy comes over, catches it for you, takes it out,

skins it, cuts the tail, cuts the head, grills it, and gives your potato salad and bread for fucking child. Come on. That sounds fun. That sounds fun. I think I went to fishing jersey. This is how cool. This is what I'm saying. This is what lured me. I get to

Bassoc Colorado. First off, I believe in signs. Brendan, I believe in science And I was... Olman's. This kid came to me and he's selling me Colorado. I don't know why. And I'm like, okay, brother, you know what?

You got a point. I'll go with you. And I was in, Brendan, but I had to get a bunch of money. It sounds like it was easy to get you to go. You were looking for... I was looking for an out. I had always been looking... I went to college in Philadelphia.

Philly was too fucking real. That was too real. When you're 18, if you're looking for trouble, I thought... Oh, I'm not... never been to Philly. Oh, at that time in 1982. If you were real and if you

wanted proms, you had them in Philly. They were given to you in Philly. Who wants problems? Just if you thought you were confused. Let's pretend you're confused. You know what? I beat this skinny guy up in and out. I think I'm a UFC fighter. Yeah. I'm going to train in Philly and you go to Philly and you go to join the gym

and one night you go to a ball and you tell somebody you're a C-Fri and they pick you up and they throw you to the glass of the fucking restaurant. And when you're laying in the fucking hospital squeezing a plastic ball singing ABCs backwards. You know what I'm saying?

I mean, it's just a So I knew I wanted to get out but I told this kid I go, what am I going to do for a living? I'm retarded. And he retarded. He goes, they got jobs shoveling snow. For 12 bucks and hour

I'll get your job shoveling snow. He goes, you work part-time or full-time, whatever. And in those days, they gave you three mountain ski paths. What? What? And you got to remember the girls, the girls from Denver go to Aspen. Go to Aspen.

Yes. Those snow bunnies loving some Aspen. So I was like, you know what? I skied once in Jersey. It sucked, but I'll learn. I could shovel snow. So he goes, we'll leave in Thursday. I go, I can't leave on Thursday. I'm putting together this deal. I'm putting together. I don't want to go with like $1,500. I want to walk there with some dough. Let me burn a few people and let me get my lies in order. Get out. This motherfucker leaves.

without me. So I went and bought a plane ticket. A one-way plane ticket. And in those days to go to Denver, it was expensive. I bought the ticket. Do you fly into Denver or into Aspen Airport? And I bought the ticket to fly into Aspen Airport. And I was leaving like May 8th or something like that.

And all of a sudden, I walk into the bar where I hang out, and there's my buddy. At the end of the bar, and I go, what happened? I thought you left and he goes The transmission blew up in fucking Pennsylvania, Philadelphia So I knew right there There's a sign His car broke, he came back to get me

I go when is it going to be fixed He goes well I don't know now because I need 600 $600 I go here Here's a 600 Get that motherfucker fix That's a sign for sure Let's go And he called me next day

He was like we could be out of here by Thursday So we left April 25th 1983 You were just a month old That's right Right? You were just a fucking month old, right? Already in Denver.

Wow. And I just got in the car, and he was a power builder. He was a power lifter. Yeah. They were yoked. Thick, dude. Thick motherfuckers on Anavar. And Winnie Vee, right?

Just fucking eating it like by the fucking M&M's. Yeah. Winnie V, that's it. Nothing injectable. Just pills. Just fucking pills. It was 1983. It wasn't as designer as it is now.

Yeah. Like Anderson Silver would have never gotten caught. No, hell, no. Your boy was on some arm on Schwarzenegger. Right. They were on, you had DeKaroblin to cut up. You had the shit to bulk up was Deannaball. It was like, it was from Germany.

They sent you like a syringe with Hitler, fat Hitler with a baseball bat. It was like Fat Hitler with a baseball bat all with muscles. Sorry, Lee, you know, I love you. I'm convinced you did you do a special of just. Jewish material. I think it'd be hysterical. He calls me every... Didn't someone come up to him in Toro talking about how good you are for Jews?

Oh, please. He goes, you're giving them back self-esteem. So fucking, uh, he... D-Bowl was with Boked you up, the oral. I don't know. And, uh... You're asking the wrong guy. I wish I knew.

Dibor was with Boked you up, and then DECA and then they ate Winnie V. This is what... The guys I hung out with, that's what they were eating. What was Danny B? stuck with that it was later that was later oh you told me about that guy yeah this so homeboy was just driving across the nation with just popping pills

popping pills smoking dope with one one uh with one uh with one eight track led zeppel that was a buddy of mine that's how I know about the other shit that was he died he died in 99 he was like listening to the jersey this motherfucker was eating he was buying shit

when dead people when people die they take us a juice out of their spying for $10,000, that's what he was blasting. He was on a different level. He was crazy. He's not still alive. He said no one ever. He was blasting some other shit.

He was blasting like dead people's stem cells? Like something. Oh my God. And you grow his chest. Whatever it was if he swall. Oh my God. He was in shape like you want to wear it. When he put a t-shirt on it, it looked like somebody had put a two by four in his chest.

That's what it looked like from the side. It was just a fucking block of an inch thick, just flat and flat. steady with a vein going through it with the shirt on you can see the vein and go wow whatever the fuck he's doing that might be too much though that's a little too much my man that's a little too much so we drove cross fucking country

with two speakers that he connected to the stereo like in those days there were like 12 hundred dollars speakers what kind of car we're talking piece of shit huge gas guzzler no no 12 miles to the gallon he bought it from like his grandmother to take it cross country

He was like a beaeric or a saber or something. But in the middle was an Olympic bar. He was bringing an Olympic bar across town. This guy's the ultimate media. So he couldn't even fucking fall asleep. And 245 pound plates or whatever, like 445 pound plates. And my luggage and my shit in the backseat. We left on a Thursday night from New Jersey at 5 or 6 in the afternoon.

And we got the Aspen at 5 o'clock at night on a Saturday night. Dang, that's not bad. No, we drove right through. Yeah, there was some monsters. Yeah, we drove right through. There was no sleeping. There was no nothing. Shum, shum.

He got on the mic. He got on the mic. He got on the mic. I'm not good at that, man. I get tired. I need my sleep. No, no, no. You sleep, too.

You sleep a gallon? I sleep a gallon. I drive a tank. All right. I like that. I drive a tank. What are we going to stop? What I do want?

To waste 60 bucks in a hotel and prolong a fucking stay. True. Some shitty hotel. hotel? But it's, it's, it's, I remember being a little boy and they would say, uh, tonight, happy days, you know, 8 o'clock Eastern, 6 o'clock Pacific and 7 o'clock mountain. And that mountain always rang in my head. I would go, who the fuck lives in the mountains? I'm saying? Yeah. Who the fuck? It was a fucking mountain time. Yeah. And here I was, you know, now as an adult living in basalt and there was nothing going on. Like that, I got a job right

away, you know, like I said, he got me a job shoveling snow, and then after like a month, it slowed down. It's still snowed till fucking May up there. Yeah, it snows up there. Fucking May. Snow. Snow. Snow and money. That's Aspen. Snow and money. And we had a move. We moved to Snowmass Village, and that was completely different. And I remember shooting down to Boulder one time, like in the summer of 83 and going the same for me. These fucking hippies.

And Denver seemed to industrial. I'm like, I lived in Jersey. When you're on, on, what is that, I-70? There's I-70, then there's I-25. Right. Both of those. Yeah, both of them cut through. Both of them, yeah.

At one point, you're like, what is this? This is industrial film. And by one point, it just smells horrid. Yeah, yeah, that's Commerce City. It's nasty. Oh, my God. It looks like Terminator 2. That's why I started comedy pretty much.

There was a club there, club 52 on Wednesday nights. Still there? I don't know. I doubt it. Oh, my God. That's where all the truckers are. And there was a little restaurant there for truck drivers. Listen to me.

What's definitely on the 70? This is Colorado. It was the 70, and it was a restaurant just for truckers. But the guy was an Elvis impersonator. Sounds like a nightmare. He was an Elvis impersonator at some shitty place in Vegas. But he slipped one night, and he fell and he sued him. So with the money, he opened up this little cafe in Denver.

And on Wednesday nights he was the Elvis impersonator and he would do an open mic and he liked me so he'd let me come up and do stupid jokes. And he'd give me like 10 bucks in the cheeseburger. Only in Denver. Yeah, only in Denver. When you hear stories like that, do you think those people realize what they're doing is retarded? Like he went from being an Elvis impersonator in Vegas and using settlement money to open a truck driver stop in Denver and be an Elvis impersonator. Like when he talked, he'd tell you like he never made it to the big time joke. I never made it to the big time.

umerson person is no shit no shit i only got to play like hendison like the cafe and off the strip and shit and he had pictures of himself every in a vagus suit and it started like when he was like he looked as as fit as you yeah and then to me like you saw the evolution of before and i'm just giving you know he what a shame

he just said fucking he was such a good guy Brendan nobody would give me states time and this guy saw me at the comedy works and he's like, hey man, I love your style, you're a throwback, if you ever want to come down on Saturdays. So then he started giving me work on Saturdays and Wednesdays. Guys, we're paying me $10. But to me, it meant the world because,

and I had to put up with Izzy a beat. You know, but he was in the movie. But he put me on stage. He had put me on stage. And he really started at like $180, and he blew up to like $450. God, God. Yeah, like his mom was making the suit for him.

Because he wasn't married, he still lived with his mom. His mom was making the suits from this shit. He's got said nightmare. You couldn't write this shit. You couldn't write that shit. He might have killed it with the lot lizards. I think that's what you call him, the truckers. Like the, you know those pro ho, stuff like that?

There's lot lizards. That's scary to me. Like, I've heard of that. Like, they just knock on the truck store and, like, the truck stops. Have you heard this term, Joy? No. A lot lizard. It's like girls who, you know, when the truckers stop, they go from truck to truck

to truck hooking up with the guys. Lot lizards. Oh my God. Like a special kind of hooker. I've never seen them at trucks. I'm a comic. I've slept at truck stops a million times. And you've never seen a lot, Lizard.

No. Oh, wow. You've heard of it. Am I making you know for that? I was like, you're mad shit crazy? Yeah. I mean, would you let somebody suck your dick if they're knocked on your glass? At four in the morning, if you're sitting there, they want the small 50s.

If I'm fucking... That's my favorite term of yours. I'm calling me. I'm going to get that check to suck my dick for the short 50s. You know the small 50s. You know the small 50s. Small fidgety. A small fiddy.

Bro, if I was single and driving across country, I mean, yeah, I'd be doing some shady shit, man. But not a fucking lizard lot. A lot lizard. She just sucked 20 truckers dick. Like 20 bucks. She's got meth coming to mouth. There's one of those condoms blew up. So she's all met up.

She's sucking your dick. Yeah, it's not ideal. We can suck your dick. It's tremendous. It's tremendous. the grape full time. Oh my God, I used to get these coked up chicks to suck my dick. I'd be emotionally broken, but they'd be fucking shot, you know?

What would they do? Oh, my God, cry. It'd make you feel good after you got done? Oh, and then you got rid of them. That was the best, how you got rid of them. Oh, my God. How would you get rid of them? I don't know the fuck knows.

You let me lie the only time they got to leave. You got to make some shit up. You can't have them hanging out. Oh, my God. Coking out in your... So I'm shooting the longest yard. Love that movie. It's the first weekend of the shoot.

Adam Sandler is having a party. That's some fucking dirty bar. You know Tate Fletcher? Yes, very well. That's Tate Fletcher, his girlfriend, worked at the bar. Tate was an extra on the film. That's how I met Tate. Oh, wow.

So we're at that bar and we're fucking around. When I walk in, who's the guy who just got into the car accident with Walmart? Tracy Morgan is sitting with two white chicks And one of the white chicks is taking a Budweiser bottle I'm busting it and putting the whole thing in her mouth and drinking it Like deep-throating that Like deep throwing and going I could suck a dick

And I'm sitting there watching this chick I haven't done blown like two weeks I'm ready to bust I'm ready to bust I can't fucking take it no more I've been trying to be a good boy but I got a bust or nothing I'm looking I'm looking at anybody to see who's tweaking Nobody's tweaking I'm sorry scratching by the fucking minute. Oh, my God.

And I'm looking at this chick. And finally, she gets up to go to the bathroom. She comes back, and I can tell she's the tweaker. So I got to figure out how to break her away from Tracy. How could you tell? Twitching, buying her fingernails?

She just went to the bathroom, and she came out. And just, you know, just, I don't know. Something she was doing just made me say, this is the one. If anybody knows where to get a fucking kilo blow, it's this filthy fucking animal, right? So he insults him.

You give Tracy Morgan 20 minutes of the chick, and he'll say something to him that'll just either make him run away or they're in. And he was asking him if they wanted black babies, if they wanted a black baby and all this shit. They collect welfare, put you in a special bracket. I mean, I'm dying a lot. And something happens that something.

Tracy leaves and the two chicks are sitting there. So I go home to the chick and I go, listen. Let me answer something. Who's got the fucking gay around here? And she looks at me. She goes, I know this guy. We could call him and all this stuff. But in the meantime, I go to the bathroom, and I ask a guy from the set.

And he goes, I got something in my fucking pocket. So I go, boom, how much you want, 80, whatever, boom. So I'm sitting in this genet. And all of a sudden I said, fuck this chick. I got the blow. I didn't want this chick creeping around me. I already had blow. I don't want this.

And she wasn't bad looking. I mean, she was an eight. She was cute. She was young, she was fucking, you know And as I'm walking out, sure enough Because they gave us all rental cars On the set, you do know that They gave us all like SUVs

Some type of SUVs So we all had like there's 20 SUVs in the town It's one of the fucking football players In the longest yard So as I'm running to it As I'm walking to the thing I hear his heels And I keep walking

I don't want to share this fucking gram With this chick I haven't gotten a high in fucking weeks now I got to share it and it was her and she goes my this guy he can meet us like in an hour it's 50 bucks so I take it to the hotel room and I'm like

I'm not giving this chick blow and I pulled a fucking Louis Lamore dog I had a heart I had bare aspirins the heart medication he crushed him up crushed them up like a motherfucker because I didn't know where I stood with the chick

I didn't know for sure she's going to suck my dick I didn't know for sure she's just there for Oh my God, so I gave her some of the aspirin. We were sitting there and I'm like, oh my God, and I made believe it. My phone was on vibrate. Yeah. And I went like, oh my God, it's my guy. Let me go downstairs.

And I came back and I had put in like aluminum four and I gave her some of the aspirin. Oh, my God. And she thought it was Coke. It was the weirdest fucking thing. Did she leave after that? Fuck, no. I kept her there all night. After she sucked in my dick, I busted out the real shit and kept her all night.

This is my car. Creepy fucking days. Creep. I wouldn't give her a ride the next one. I had to get money for like a cab. She was a little furious. Was she part of, was she an extra on the movie? No.

She was at the bar. She was at the bar. She was at the bar drinking. She was a fucking tweaker. I mean, you could see that four in the morning when she was looking out of a window and trying to suck your dick and she was paranoid. You knew something was going on.

What percentage would you say on set actors do drugs it's a high percentage the ones I know I would say it's a high percentage and I have a theory on this you tell you if I tell you something you're not going to believe this I think you'd be surprised people

when I walk on a set I keep I keep them I say hello I'm very cordial but I keep everything out of the distance after I did the longest shot I can't I can't tell you how many fucking pan I'm looking you in the face I'm looking Lee in the face

I can't tell how many people came up to me and said, do you ever do Coke with Michael Irvin? I had no desire to. Yeah. And I didn't take our friendship there. Yeah. I didn't mention it. Every night I went, I had my package.

I don't know where he got his shit. Yeah. And he went and did his package. He's a great guy. After the movie shot, I heard stories. But, you know, the same thing about this guy, the same thing about that guy. But I always keep it light on those.

things because I know how fast. I heard stories of guys that did blow and all of a sudden they get a big movie role or a TV show and they just start talking to you. I don't want to lose somebody's friendship over drugs. Hell no. So on those movie sets, I always kept it.

Weed, yeah, everybody smokes fucking weed. On every movie set I've gone to, after two days, you're going to smell fucking weed. Yeah. Yeah, but as far as the other shit, I have no idea. The only guy saw do it openly and didn't give a fuck, with James Coburn.

I saw that motherfucker smoked dope and have a beer can in his hand. And his scene was up next. They didn't say nothing.

Not a fucking word, man. This is my theory on actors and actress and athletes. When you have a ton of time off or if you're a musician or an actress, actor,

and you have a ton of time off and you have money in your pocket, I mean, you can only go on social vacations, you can only do so much. Then you're back home, just chilling, man. You're just chilling.

So drugs is an easy outlet. I'm not advocating. I'm just saying I get it. I get it. You give me a ton of time off. I do some weird shit, man. I get tattoos. I like fucking race cars and shit.

You know? I make bad decisions because I have so much time off. That makes sense. So if you're an actor, especially everyone that just got done with a movie, your next movie's not for another seven, eight months. We have all this time off. You're chilling. You have a place up in the hills.

There's a pool. There's chicks. I get it, man. I get it. That's why I think the percentage of, especially drugs with, you know, weed, like you said, weeds common, man.

So you see it everywhere. I just think there's a higher percentage in that line of business for that reason. You should have so much time off. For somebody who did as many drugs as I did for as long, I have a very good mix of friends.

Like, I love the friends that didn't get high as much as the friends that did get high. They kept me very balanced, you know. And at an early age, I learned somewhere to keep, drugs out of certain relationships because they were going to ruin them.

We'd, yeah. But once you start talking about coke or pills and shit, you start dabbling to other people's lives. When somebody comes to you and says, Lee, come here for a second. Your friend Joey Dears, you don't know where you could get blow. And you go, yeah, I get you blow. You're going to come to me, Lee,

and get blow for your boss, who's a fucking big shot at ABC. He's never going to meet me, and I'm never going to meet him, but we're going to know about each other. you know what I'm saying if something ever happens he's gonna cut you awfully

because you know one of his deepest fucking intimate secrets which is addiction people gotta buy it somewhere that's what always is baffled me when somebody gets busted for blow I always go where'd they get it from

yeah you follow me what a system went and got it for you you know I know I used to hang out of the wheat store and sunset that's not there anymore and the guy was telling me 50% of his business was people's assistance.

It was all assistance, right? It was all assistance that would come down. Because they don't want to risk it. Because they wouldn't come down to even get a medical marijuana license. Whatever. Whatever. It's why I don't really understand, like, when everyone talks about it about people like Justin Bieber or any young actor or singer, if I was 16 and had $100 million, of course.

I mean, it's just, that's why I don't really get. a lot of the hate they go through. Yeah, but if I was... 500 million. 500 million. And he's 21. 21 and 500 million. Let me ask you something.

At this point in 2015, that'd be way worse. Why would you do drugs? Everybody else did them. Why would you do drugs? I'd try to be original. Why would you do drugs? You think I'm happy about my drug use at that time?

No, it happened. It was at a bad time. I was right there, this weed thing that's happening. I was right there when the Coke thing took over. And that was one of the wildest places that even up in the fucking mountains of Colorado, they had tons of Coke. But when you were in the party scene, that's when Coke like burst onto the scene. Burst on.

For me in Denver, I honestly, I never saw it. I never saw it my 25, 26 years endeavor. Never saw Coke once. Saw weed everywhere. Every way, way, weed. Come to L.A., very first part I go to in the hills, a girlfriend of mine brings me there. and it's everywhere. And I just remember like, dang, this is L.A., man.

I just remember being everywhere. Never touched it. Well, I actually wanted to talk, Joey and I talked about the Aaron Hernandez thing, and then, like, a day or two ago, an NBA player got stabbed at a club at, like, 4 a.m. in New York. Kid from CU. Like, what...

As an athlete, like, how are these people still going out? Like, how is Aaron Hernandez killing people when he just signed a $60 million contract? Like, as an athlete who makes a decent amount of money, Wouldn't you think you'd just stay at home? You would think, right? Listen, the thing you got to understand about Aaron is his background, man. He grew up in a gang.

He comes from a broken home. I'm not making excuses for him at all. I'm just saying you've got to understand the kid's background. So he grows up doing drugs, getting away, just being the craziest athlete on the field. So that's his life. That's Aaron's. They said the worst thing to happen to Aaron was him getting drafted by New England Patriots. Because he's from there.

He's from Connecticut. He's from Connecticut. So his whole gang, all those guys are from Connecticut. So him getting drafted by New England, he's not escaping anything. They're going, oh, our boys made it. They fall him over there. And he grew up, you know, in this gang life. When he was at Florida, his mom would come to the dorm, you know,

and she was a drug addict, stuff like that. So he grew up a very rough life. Just because you're drafted and people say, oh, well, you're a role model now. No, man. Just because he has $100 million in the bank, you're not taking the hood out of Aaron Hernandez because he's a good football player. He's been that talented all his life. gotten away with it. Not working as hard as other

guys. That's how talented he is. So when people are like, oh, this is ridiculous how can you do that? You've got to realize the conditions they come from, man. Not everyone comes from a great family. That's all he knows. To us, it's stupid. I'm not out of him what he did. To us, it's stupid. But to him, it's all he knows, man.

So him getting drafted by New England Patriots, I mean, he talked about omens, what everyone talked about, it really fucked them, man. You know, listen, I think if we went to Arizona or anything. This just didn't start happening. 20 years ago before both the years were born, a player got drafted by the Boston Celtics.

Glenn Byers. Glenn Byest, and he did Coke, and he fucking died of a heart attack. You know, this has been going on for years. You take a bad environment, a good environment. Who knows? Why does a fucking player go out of his fucking house when he's got $30 million in the bank?

He knows people are going to be running and gunning from. What makes you take your fucking Mercedes with your butler and go to a club? Because you want pussy? You want, you know. You want to be normal. You want to be normal, though. Why can't you go to a club?

You got money. You want to buy a bottle. You want to go to Las Vegas. You want to get your dick suck. Yeah, man. But you know what, man? People go, well, there's cameras out now, Joe. All this shit that's security.

You have to act like a human fucking being. Athletes have always been crazy. You know, listen, I got a Playboy magazine at the house about Hollywood Henderson. Another guy that came out way before you guys were born. He was a Dallas cowboy that got fired. Because he put up number one during, while the Dallas Cowboys were losing, when Tom Landry was a coach, he put up his number one before commercial and pointed at a towel. And they fired him because it was, he was a linebacker.

And the towel was somebody's from the offense, a wide receiver who was putting out towels. So other guys could dry their hands on the towel before they go out and get the ball. Yeah. So he just gave it like an advertising. They fucking fired him the next day, Hollywood, Jesus. But Hollywood. They're looking for a reason of fire a officer.

Oh, Hollywood Edison was a fucking monster. He got drafted by Dallas. And that's, if you read the article, and then Sergio Ortega from years ago, I put this article out there, and he founded it at a flea market in San Francisco for like four bucks. It opens up with him because the Dallas Cowboys used to train a thousand oaks. Yeah. That's their rookie can. Well, they're in Oakside now.

They used to be a thousand oaks. They used to be a thousand oaks. And he talks about his first day stretch. thinking about what he had in his room, three hits of acid, a gram of blow, a ounce of weed, you know, 30 bucks, and how he was going to go out some speed. And then he used to come to Hollywood

and hang out with the Pointer Sisters and Richard Pryor. He was one of the originators of freebaseing. Oh, wow. So they knew it. Dallas knew it. They all knew it. At the time, the NFL was Dallas and San Diego charges

were the biggest Coke fucking freaks and San Diego had their own whatever cop liaison that was issued to them from the NFL so if something happens to you, you would call that cop. And he wrote a book years later about fucking the quarterback and Chuck Muncie getting paranoid and Chuck Muncie was walking around with a gun and the gun fell and they shot him in the arms.

He was out for three weeks, but he just said he had surgery and how they bought it. He has how he. allegations in there about Joe Montana six week when he said they had back surgery he was really in a rehab what oh yeah Joe Montana was the king of swing though what

yeah man I found that Joe I found that when I was doing the longest yard man it's kind of disappointing my heart broke and I love Joe Montana man oh my god you bro when I found out Joe Montana was a feeding my heart broke

why because he was my idol growing up Joe Montana though What are you kidding me? I met Joe Montana at a Super Bowl party. Did you look at his nose? It was probably leaking. They said his nose leaks, though. I just remember being so excited to meet him.

And maybe, you know, you never know what someone's going on in their life. I remember talking to him, and it was so depressing. It was just, it was, maybe it was a dark time. I looked down, he has fucking Skechers on at the time. He was pitching Skechers. He's at the Super Bowl party in his fucking Skechers. And he's just talking about how he wishes, He could go back to the NFL and play.

I just remember walking away and like, oh, the guy needs a friend. You know, just like he needs to talk to someone, man. For sure, tell me about fucking glory 49er days. All right, so when I'm sitting there, we're doing like, because we did six weeks of the longest yard in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Then we shot the rest down in Torrance. Oh, really? College down there.

Oh, nice. So one of the days we were shooting, they were shooting inside the NFL. with Marino and Sandler. And I was talking to somebody. It doesn't really matter. I don't know who it really was about whatever. And for some reason, you're doing something, but something catches your eye.

Something catches your eye and you focus on it. Somebody's moving fast, something. So guess who comes by me moving really fast? Who's the crazy fucking linebacker that beat the dude up with the helmet? Romanowski. He comes walking past me fast. And something just made me tilt in my head.

He's got the shorts on. He's got the t-shirt on. Yeah, he's a big day. And he's just moving. This time he's shrunk. Right? He's just moving. And they're shooting inside the NFL.

Right? They're shooting. Cameras on. And he walks around and sat and he goes to Marina. How's that drug problem? And all. Dog. What?

No he did. Oh, he did? Oh, he did. Are you fucking kidding me, dog? What Marino said? He just froze. Like, he just laughed. Cut, and they were just giggum about him.

Cut, they would just giggle him, sandal and turn purple. Everybody turned fucking purple. Yeah, man. Fuck. Yeah, man. Romo's a wild card, man. What's that?

Romanowski was a wild card. Don. Crazy dude, man. Don. Don. Don, Doug. Don. Don, darn lethal, white, he could have gone either way.

Here's a guy that could have gone either way because my buddy played with him in college. That's why he got wrong on me during the movie set. He really wasn't too fucking keen on a lot of people. You know, for years he sent me powders and pills and shit. And doctor is out of Denver. His partner is out of Denver. Doctor, whatever, the dude who could feel your body

and do fucking hypnosis. Because I think he was, the company was on no, Mexico or something. But they were both out of Denver. The doctors out of Denver. Yeah, Romanoski's no joke, though. No joke, man. He could have been ten times worse than Aaron Hernandez.

He was going for people's eyes. He was the guy, he's that fucking elephant in the circus that's going to freak out and fucking do some work. Yeah. My buddy was second to him in tackles in college. Really? So as soon as I got the thing, he called me. He goes, hey, man, listen, don't play.

Don't play. Keep them straight, be honest. Don't fuck. No. No. No. And I learned the hard way because when we were shooting that scene where he hits me. Yeah.

There's a scene where he hits me. There was a squad. There was the actors. There was the doubles. Then there was a practice squad. Right? And when we were shooting that movie, the practice squad would shoot stuff with the,

uniforms on and you think it was the guys. But there was this little dude from New England. Don't know what his name was Lee. No big body. He wasn't buffed. He wasn't Mr. America. He was just this little Italian dude. Maybe six feet and they were lying.

Maybe 205. Dog, he was popping motherfuckers. But when I tell you, he was popping people. He was dislocating shoulders. Like that type of shit Taking it too serious? Like no no no no Just clean even people were like

God damn dog God damn Like what though Pop at the last shot One of those guys That's with you the whole time And once you touch the ball Well he had fucked up

Two guys in two weeks Like one guy's shoulder With the ice pack on With the shoulder taped up One of those guys And then another guy Walked him with a fucking fucked up me. So now

we're about to shoot that scene where they kicked the ball off to me. All right. And I don't know. For some reason I'm being an asshole and I look at, it's the Italian kid from the New England Patriots and Romanoxie. And it's me

and Samlin. We're all talking to the scene. And I'll say he goes, listen, what do you want to do? I don't know. Whatever you want to do. Do the scene? The stuntman was like, I'll take the shot. I go, no, no, no, go ahead. I go, listen, to be honest, I don't mind who hits me here. I'd rather Romanowski hit me in this fucking little Italian tank.

Dang. What do I say that for? You know he fucked up. I fucked up as I was saying it. There's a joke. Romanowski just looked at me. Wasn't that right after he stopped playing the NFL? Like right after?

Yeah, it was right there. It was right. Those shots are real. The first shot he hit me when I went backwards. But the second shot that they taped with my helmet spun around, I got up and I remember with the helmet going, that's it. because then I started getting pissed off because I'm like going, you're fucking really going at me.

Really? He was dead serious. He was dead serious. And then I was dead serious. I'm like, you're really going at me? And you're an NFL player? Let's do this shit again. And then I would level my 315.

I was 4.15 that. If you can't knock me down, you're an NFL player. Because he wasn't really knocking me down, guys. I was going down to a knee, but he wasn't Lawrence Tayloring me by no means. And I'm like, come on. So I started getting pissed off And after like six shots, they said, We got the fucking cut.

We're good. Yeah, we got it. And I remember walking back to the scenes And it felt like I got beat up. You know, I wasn't bleeding, But my body was like, zzz. Could have been good for your brain. I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck, though. Every time I do a bump and what do you need that boy? When you do a bumper, what do you think happens? It's like a left hook. It's like your head jolted backwards. Romanelsey, he was fresh off the Oakland Raiders then too. That was fresh off the fucking off that thing where he did with the helmet, wasn't it? Yeah.

That was fresh. Hits the dude with it. Because he had a leave to go to court and shit. They came and got him one time hysterical. He was nuts, man. He was very nice. He cares a nice white. That was a great opportunity to be around fucking crazy people because to do football, those amount of years, you've got to be a little bit.

People always say, you've got to be crazy to do common this. You've got to be fucking crazy to play football. Especially lineback. Especially some of those positions. At a certain age, you've got to wake up and go, what the fuck am I doing? I'm 31. Now I'm practicing against 21-year-olds. That they don't give a fuck.

They've been hungry. They've been living on a fucking project. They've been shot at. They want my fucking job. And they're bigger, faster, stronger. Bigger, young kids. My God, that's such a... Your boy, Michael Irvin, though, is.

One of the most special people I've ever met. Great guy, man. He's a good dude, man. I really loved him. He was one of those guys that everybody on the set loved. He's a guy, if you could get him on your show on a podcast and sit down to actually open up and talk about the White House days on the Dallas Cowboys, one is him, Emmett Smith, Nate Newton, when they'd have the White House parties.

Have you heard about this? They all went in on just a big-ass crib in Dallas, and they would just, after the games that have these massive parties there called it the White House does he talk about it publicly I think he has I think he has and they've talked about in a book but he doesn't go into detail No no no no it'd be fun to get him to open up talking about in detail

You don't talk about living a life The White House parties I think every fucking football team did those They just They weren't the Dallas Cowboys though in the 90s What? Think about those teams man Yeah they were fucking crazy You know and they're still

I used to go, I still used to go to Dallas a lot and I used to ask questions. And there's a lot of Michael Irvin stories in hotels and shit. That's how you got in trouble. That's how you got in trouble. By never letting somebody into a hotel.

Like somebody wanted a party and they go, let's come with you. No, okay, I'll pull the cops on you. And that's how it started. I hated those fucking hotel parties. I can never settle at those things. See, I'd be doing drugs and those things with people and shit. Guys with guns and you're in a fucking hotel room.

Music's on. Women are, no, women are yelling. Last one I went to was in, at the Roosevelt in L.A. I was with Brian. It was wild, man. I left. Like he said, I left. Nothing good is going to come from that, man.

Switch for me. I got out. I've never been. Nah, no, no, no, no. I'm one out in 94. I went out with my buddy, Chris Fish. And I went out with him for dinner. And we got some blow.

And I got really excited. And I got really fucking high. And I passed out. in this car. And I woke up with this car like at 4 in the morning. I was in a parking lot of building on a hundred and something street in New York City. That's the first time I went to. And I started going there

after that. And I woke up and I got out of the car and I'm like Chris, Chris. And also I heard music. And it was like the eighth floor of a building in New York. So you pull up and you press the button. They take you up to the eighth floor. And then you pull the fucking car out. And then upstairs, they have hookers, they have blow, they play cards. You could dance.

Fucking tremendous. I was so scared to be in there. I don't even know why I remembered that number. Who gives a fuck? So, you went to this fucking high school in Denver? Overland. Overland High School. Where the fuck is that?

Overland is in Aurora. It's close. Well, you know, Aurora gets a bad name now because of those fucking theater shootings, right? So my mom lives next door to there. But Overland High School, Overland's a big city, man. It's a suburb right outside. Denver coach there I don't think he's still there Tony Manfredi he's one of the

bad he's one of the class of coaches he who's the coached there for like 25 years whether it was college pro what even now UFC Tony McFrey is one of the I was fortunate one of the best coaches ever in high school thinking about most most your high school coaches are at you know they're slap dicks they don't know what the fuck they played you know it's slap dags they played high school football and they tell you about their glory days I had a legit coach man I was fortunate yeah so high school, Denver, college, University of Colorado. That was like a dream, right?

Especially being in Denver, the Golden Helm, that's what you wanted. I was talking about Boulder. What did you take a Boulder as a whole? Boulder's tough, man, because Boulder's in a weird place now. I just remember it upset me because you didn't get much support from people in Boulder. The football program, especially when I was there, we were good, man. In previous years, you've had some great teams. But I just feel like in Boulder, you know, the liberals, they got too much

shit going on. Athletics isn't a key thing. But if you look around, why the fuck do you think all this nice stuff is around? Because the football team. Who do you think is paying for all this stuff? The football team is bringing all this money there that pays for all this nice stuff. All these other athletic facilities, all this stuff. That's all football, man. So I just felt like we never got support there, ever.

There's too much shit going on. There's too much. You can hang glide, you can rock, climb, you can go tubing down the river. There's too many options. And then the problem with that is, is that, And, you know, Boulder's mainly white. You know how it is. It's all white people.

So you're trying to recruit these five-star athletes, you know, from urban areas. It's a tough sell, man. It's a tough sell. It's beautiful. But you're trying to take a kid from a big city like New York or Los Angeles and say, hey, check out Boulder. I mean, you're talking about complete 180, man. So they have their work cut for them for sure. I think they're – and the team haven't been good because, you know, when Hawkins was there,

when Hawkins was there he wanted more of a team that was like academics and shit what's up this fucking guy what's up he's got to be high before the pocket no I didn't hate

he's just like dead quiet dead quiet I don't you know what I did he just looked at me you looked at me you look like listen

before you say anything about support south beach it's south beach florida you know it doesn't appeal to me but it appeals to a thousand million people and you know what they can't do in south beach it's a party time right that's all this they can't do comedy there just doesn't work new orleans beautiful city great food great music you know what they never worked there comedy they're just not open to it you don't think there's too much going on just just doesn't click something about new Orleans they do comedy at a book place they do comment at the house of blues it's not like New York no no no no that's like football go to go to the south

go to Tennessee go to Alabama you want to talk about support that's what I'm compared to support you know where else you can't do comedy Boulder really Boulder college town bars everywhere Everywhere. Just doesn't click. The Boulder broker did it for years. And a place called a Blue Note where Roseanne Barr used to go with Matt Berry and Mep, the other guys that created shows here.

But besides that, they tried to put 10 comedy clubs in Boulder over the year, full time. Can't do it. Boulder is very intellectual. Boulder, he used to call the paper the city of the Boulder. It's very... Lee, I wouldn't last in Boulder right now without people saying something to me. Like, I'm too fat to live in Boulder.

What would they say to you? You've got to get your life together because they have moonlight walks at Chautauqua Park at night. For free. There's no reason to be 10 pounds overweight in Boulder. No reason. You can't say, listen, I have a lumbito problem.

No. They'll fucking help you. They'll take it to the Roper Institute and they'll fix it for you, okay? Quinoa. Chinoin juice. Yeah, they don't fuck around. I got yelled out for driving a Hummer up there.

Look at that. Out of Hummer, people would look at me in disgust. It is completely different. They get your mind right. They drink their beer. They smoke their reefer, and they want people to be in shape. And they wear their TiVas. And you look at what's to do.

And you look at Boulder, what's to do tonight? Swim class, free, put on by lifeguards of America. Go there and learn how to swim. Marsh. It's amazing. You know, it is an amazing time. They used to have a place to harvest restaurant. It's still close to my heart.

And it was vegetarian. They have great food there, man. Jay's pasta? What? Unbelievable. Jay's pasta. Still there and shit. Hell yeah.

Huge support of the football team. We used to go there all the time. Well, this is what I'm saying. For the amount and the size of the town, you have huge support. Because I remember when they went to the fucking place to the Federal Express Bowl in Florida. The Orange Ball. How many fucking people were? went that year from Boulder.

And I used to work at the puddle car wash. They were big supporters of CU football. Huge. Everybody from the school came in, got free car washes. The football players hung out there. It was, I don't know how to describe the racism in Boulder. Okay? It's not like a black dude.

No, no, no, no. They really appreciate the football team. but when they just don't want their daughter's dating them no when shit turns sour they don't fuck around when it comes to the football team

well I was there when it was sour the Barnett and it was even more sour before you fucking got there I was there when the fucking Greek I was there when the fucking black running back was collecting for the fucking Greek diner

how can an all-American line running back be collecting for the fucking black the fucking guy that's like a part-time mobs. Like if this guy came up to me and said, you owe me money, I'd smack him in the mouth. Knock the black line back.

Don't get me wrong. Do not get me wrong, ladies and gentlemen. I'm talking about the owner of this restaurant at the time. Yeah. It was like a make-believe guy. Like, he was like a make-believe bubblegum mobster, and he hired the running back from CU. This was way before JJ Flaggden.

That's when I was there. That was the first problem. What years is this? This is 87. 86 when this problem started and then came to Canavis McGee years when he punched the guy in the head of Togo's Pizza downstairs and knocked his eyeball out

and then the J.J. Flanagan I got into a beef one time. I got into a beef one time on Safeway on Baseline Boulevard because he called me a speck and the reason why the judge threw, I was going to do time, I would not be here right now it was my third felony

in Boulder. We stretch you're out. And this guy said we're throwing it out because in the city limits of Boulder, you're now allowed to use the racial slurs, the J.J. Flanagan law. Oh, wow. Because he smacked the lady for calling them a nigger in Pearl Street. Damn. And they dropped it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Boulder had a lot of problems for a long time. A lot of problems, but they really, they weren't racist as far as when the shit went. And when it was time to call them a spade, they called them a spade. That's the problem. I knew you were a fucking Jew, you know what I'm saying? Like after I've loved you for three years, I'll pull the Jew card out on you, and you're like, you son of a bitch. Yeah, like that's what I'm trying to say.

They're not racist, so I don't want to be. Don't get wrong. I love Boulder. I love my time there, but it's a weird vibe, especially if you go to other college towns. Like, I spoke at Ohio State. They freaking live and breathe Buckeye football. You don't get that same feeling when you go to Boulder, man. There's too much to do.

There's too much intelligence. You know, the intelligence level in Boulder. If, you know, everybody wants the helmet to be invented, the thing that they can look into your brain to see what you're thinking. Like a street in Boulder without people knowing. You know, idiots like you and I and Lee were thinking about pork chops and getting our dicks up and working out and going to a movie. In Boulder, when you see those guys walking on the street with sandals on,

smoking a pipe. Yeah. with their stupid fucking glasses. They're thinking about the speed of light. If there was a hurricane in New Mexico right now, what would the speed, you know, that's what they're really thinking. I sold Subaru's, and it was amazing when the questions, people would come in. And I thought it was a joke. I thought they'd get together and go, go in there and ask these questions to the salesman,

and I would ask the general manager. I'd go, listen, this guy just asked me this, and he goes, I've been selling Subaru. for 30 years. Only in Boulder do they come up with these questions because they're so intelligent that this is what they're thinking about, like the ratio of the brakes. Who gives the fuck?

I bet they sell more Subaru's in Boulder than probably anywhere else in the nation. No, it's at Bert. It's Bert. Bert's the number one dealer of Subaru's in the fucking world in Denver. But I think the one in Boulder

in Colorado Springs is number two in the world. I mean, you'll see more Subaru. Subaru's and Denver is like Priuses in Los Angeles. Why do you think I drive a Subaru? Because of my Denver right now? Since the last 20 years because of my Denver day. You love them.

Love them. I know how I am with a car. I know what I am with a car. I am a fucking bad luck person with a car. Really? My right eye is better than my left eye, so the right side of the car is always going to have dents. There's always going to be a hubcap missing, a ding in the door.

Something, okay? My foot's heavy. You know, I rip, I always fuck up the mats. I always fuck up the mats. You know, I'm one of those guys. So the car that was there for me the whole time was a Subaru. The only knock a Subaru has it if you get a five speed, which don't exist anymore, you couldn't leave your hand on the clutch.

Why? At the light. You know how people leave their hand on the clutch? You have to take your hand on, because that's how your clutch cable went. The number one thing on the Subaru was the clutch cable, because people would leave their hand. It's chilly. That's normal.

So that was the thing. This Subaru here, I love it. And I love it when it rains in California. I got to go out. It's rare. And everybody else is like fucking manhandling the five. And I'm on the left-hand lane doing 90 with my fucking all-wheel drive. Symmetrical.

Because now they threw the symmetrical in that motherfucker. Four-wheel. I lived in Boulder when you went up the fucking hill. And if there was a lot of snow, you pressed a button. And the rear tires would pop. Now here's the thing about Boulder that people don't know. I got arrested and Boulder. I got convicted in Bold, and I got to tell you some,

Boulder was still one of the most favorite places to me in my heart. That's great. I'm embarrassed to go back there. I always felt like I let Boulder down. The type of guy I was raised, like Boulder was those people very nice for me to have a machine gun. And that's how I did all drugged up, you know. But Boulder had a dark side. What do you mean?

Like I saw a lot of weird shit in Boulder. Like, I was just thinking about this guy a couple nights ago. I was at home by myself. My wife was out of town. And I was thinking about my man Fred. That was the first intro. Like, I thought I was a gangster when I lived in Jersey. Like, I thought I was a gangster.

Like, I knew shit. Like, a guy I knew killed the guy and threw him into the fucking Hudson River. Like, I just knew shit when I was a kid. But it wasn't until I got to, Asman. I was lonely, you know? I was lonely. This girl used to always come over to the house. She used to work with a girl next door, and they all smoked pot, and one of my friends. And I would come home some days, and there'd be eight people in my living with this woman.

One day she said to me, she was, you and my husband would get along. You should go talk to my husband. So I would go over there at night and talk to him and shit. He was like a hard dude. You know, he's ex-Marine, whatever fuck he was. He was originally from like, you know, The other side, Grand Junction. Those people, I got no personality.

You know what I am done? She's not shitting Grand Junction. Yeah, they ain't dick in Grand Junction. I haven't heard that word in for... Yeah, Grand Junction, you know. But this dude was just cool. He was in Vietnam. Just a solid dude.

He was a little older than I was... He was a bus driver. And I would talk to him. And one thing led to another. And one night we were watching Scarfei. He didn't get eyes. His wife got eye, but he didn't get eye. He drank tequila and smoke cigars, you know?

And we were watching Scarface. And I said something about a gun. He goes, turn this off. And he said, move the couch. And we moved the fucking couch. And under the couch was a fucking floor safe. And this motherfucker opened it up and out there he had the Rambo gun,

the Tony Montana gun. This is 1980 fucking three guys. He's shown me this craziness. He's showing me this utility stuff. He was waiting for an apocalypse to some shit? He was waiting just to kill people. He was dying to kill people. What he really wanted to do,

this guy, his dream. And then that's how we became friends. So he started teaching me how to shoot on Saturdays. He taught me how to shoot. It didn't worry that this guy wanted to kill people. No, no, no. See, I've been on the fuck out. No, no, he didn't tell me himself.

He wanted to kill people. He wasn't creepy. He was a guy that just, I could tell that he had killed before. I could tell he was in the service. Yeah. I could tell he didn't fuck around. I could tell he really loved America. He was just a different type of dude.

But I could tell he wanted more. he felt like he had been cheated. He was one of those dudes, and the most dangerous ones. Super dangerous. And I didn't know where this was going, Brendan. You know, he was just very nice to me. He'd just say, what do you want to do? What do you want to shoot tomorrow?

All I had to do is pay for my bullets. So we'd go to the bullet store before that, and he'd tell me, what do you want to shoot tomorrow? I'll shoot a 9mm with the scope. I'll shoot this with the fucking bazooka. Let me shoot this. So he'd go, all you got to do is cover your bullets. And he let me shoot him, Brendan. He was very nice.

I shot like three guns in New Jersey at a pigeon in a backyard. When somebody takes you shooting in Colorado, your fucking heartbeats. You're out there. He would take me behind these fucking mountains and put up cans and it was shovels

so people could roll on the floor like you were in the service. This was fucking great guys on fucking Saturdays. And we'd spend all morning after that. He'd tell me one thing, I'll take your shoot and just do me a favor and don't smoke that shit. That was our deal. so I didn't get high.

Everything was very legit. He showed me how to clean the gun afterward, how to clean him. He was my fucking dog. Then the clouds finally... What do you want to? Okay, so he knew I had a little larceny to me. He knew I had a little larceny to me.

And one day, he just started talking about robbing the bank. But he wanted to rob the bank the day after Christmas. I told the story on marijuana one time, and people were like, you can't rob a bank on Christmas? I meant he wanted to rob the Christmas day was like on a Wednesday so the bank was going to be open on Thursday He wanted to rob the bank like on Friday or the Christmas Eve why what's his reasoning? Because the money all the money that was going to be there from the day from Christmas vacation

They weren't going to have a chance of people weren't going to pick it up until the following Monday So he knew he had been watching the bank of Aspen So he knew that on those weekends they don't make a pickup so they had to be 50, I don't know what the number he had but he had another guy and me and he wanted to do with snowmobiles and rob it through the back way like it had never been done that way like instead of robbing the bank and having to shoot it on the street and you know having the helicopters chase you

fuck that shit do it on snowmobiles have a car dash out with a car but have a point where you get into snowmobiles and dip out and by the time they find the snowmobiles I mean you're kind of convincing me I feel like oh my god this is on it shit now at the same time This is the winter of 84 at the same time. No, this is the winter of 83. At the same time,

I'm robbing little drug dealers in Snowmass Village. Just little guys. An ounce, a half ounce of blow, $800, $800. Dumb shit. But I got my sights on this fucking jewelry store. On my own. I'm going to do this jewelry store.

So I had another friend that was an electrician. This is crazy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You see, Brendan, things could have gone a lot of different ways. Now you see what happens when you're 18 and when you're 50, where your thinking goes with those college players that we were judging before. You don't know what a kid's thinking when he's 22.

You know how fucking weak you are when you're 22 when you really don't know it? What do you think? Jehovah Witnesses recruit you when you're fucking 40? No, they recruit you when you're 40, but that's the time to get in when you come out of college. and you're disheveled, and you don't know what you're going to do, and all of a sudden, the New England Patriots give you $60 million,

and you're still hanging out with gangsters. Yeah, man. Listen, when I kidnapped that guy, let's be honest, because you didn't know the story, and we were getting through this the other day. Let's be honest. I could tell you whatever story you guys want to hear. Was it because my mother died of the young age? I kidnapped somebody and made him go through that?

Not really. Was it because of my drug use, and I'd done PCP in 1982, and it backfired? I could tell you that and I could probably have a psychiatrist back it. That's how crazy but I'm telling you as a man

Do you want me to tell you what it was bro? Between the drugs and the way I'd grown up like watching people with guns some way in my mind I thought that that was the way to go Like I got that confused

You think it was options? You just didn't have many other options? I had tons of options Who the fuck are you kidding? In America today you always got a fucking option there's a shelter that'll give you 30 days to get your life together and there's always a car lot looking for somebody to wash a car dog

or a fucking sell a car trust me trust them I'm telling you they always lock you that's for television people there's no option yeah that's for television there's tons of fucking options in this country I had this fantasy it was a fucking fantasy

thank God I didn't kill somebody and do 30 years over a stupid fantasy and be sitting in the cell today thinking I didn't want to be a killer that was just you don't know you're watching MTV you know they're showing up at the club throwing 50s who doesn't want to throw 50s

up in the air when you're 22 you blame you you fucking you don't want to throw 50s up in the air you don't Brendan Shab if you had the opportunity tonight to pull up with the baddest fucking Porsche available and just say to look at the valet

and throw like a pile 10,000 of his face. Bam! Don't move this fucking car because I'll shoot you in the fucking head and go like this and show him like a bazooka.

Walk into the club, the big black guy, throw him 10,000 and go fuck you and every fucking black guy that came out of Africa and there's more what I came from.

After you threw 10,000 that a black guy he'll let you call him a nigger for five minutes before he gets mad. You got about two minutes left. You understand me?

Who are kidding? You kidding. Okay? right or wrong. Who doesn't want to be able to do this as a man? I'm lying to you, motherfuckers. I just, you, it could be a Kung Fu Chinese guy. What Kung Fu Chinese guy do, man?

Could you take 10,000 and 100 throw out of his face and go, fuck you, cock sucker. Shine my shoes, you fuck. And he'll look at you and go, you know what, how shine you? 10,000. 10 grand. What the fuck? And then you walk in the club, everybody.

You just put, you just barrel in the mother. Get out of the way. Look what I got. You got a fucking 50,000 and 20s. You know what that looks like? You have an idea what 50,000 and 20s looks like? I'm an idea. You got three Chinese guys carrying it behind you.

And you blow a whistle in the middle of the strip club. You just blow a whistle. And start just throwing 20s in the end going, listen. Turn the thing off, DJ. Throw 10,000 on his face. No, turn the music off. 666 Buckingham Lane. I'm having a party at 3 o'clock.

I got another 100,000-20s at the house. You're invited. How many people are going to show up to your house? How popular are you going to fucking me? Yeah, it's going to hell of a night. You do that to 10 fucking parties. You know how many people, you know how many 21-year-olds want to do that in today's society? I didn't.

I'm not going to lie to you. If I think back, what did I want money for? Do you think I was going to buy a house and resell it and flip it? Do you think that? Make an investment? Yeah, I was going to make an investment. I was going to take that money, buy a kilo of a Coke, buy a bunch of clothes, buy a fucking car, get a hotel room and spend it until I died or that's it.

And then not have a plan. You don't really have a plan when you're that young. The only time I've ever legit made it rain on someone like that is I got out of it. This is I'm telling the story. I get out of the Ultimate Fighter House. It's the night we get out. So I've been cooped up for six weeks. I'm in the finale.

I got money in my pocket. and I'm at Triss Nightclub and I'm walking through and Rampage Jackson's there and he goes, Shop, come here. I go over and Rampage gives me a big hug and he's like, here, hold this. And he gives me a stack of cash like this big. I'm like, it's the most cash I've ever seen. I'm like, what?

And he goes, when I count the three, just let it go and start making it rain. It gives me his chain, I have my shirt off, his shirt's off. We're standing up. And I just remember him going, one, two, three. look around just girls everywhere. He's making it rain.

I'm making it rain. Then I come to my sense. Fuck this. Put it all in my pocket. Jump down. I just remember that's the only time I ever made it rain, man. But I did it for just half of it with Rampage Jackson and put the other half of my pocket. I was like, you know what?

I'm going to need this money. Dipped out. Went back to my hotel. Listen, let me tell you some. I'm not cheap by no man. I see a homeless guy. I'll give him five bucks. But there's something about making it rain.

I can see my money. myself one day when I'm 80 sharing a bunk with three fucking black dudes you know cutting my toenails the guy's drawing him at me and me in the corner thinking if I just had ten of those

dollars that night when I made it right if I just had ten of those fucking dollars right now make it rain all right so see you Boulder see you what a fucking great city that was

like we said though You know, we're talking a little bit off air, though. I couldn't wait to leave, man. I just figure like there's more out there in the world. Oh, no. That's why I came to L.A. Listen, I left there. I go back and, you know, I'm not hating on Denver.

I go back. I feel like I'm in a fucking country western, man. You know, just everything seems slow, and it seems like nothing ever changes. I go back and just feels like it's the exact same as I left it. It's all about the Denver Broncos, baby. Oh, yeah. It's all about the Denver Broncos, baby.

Yeah. What you want to do? want to be called his job. John Elway. John Elway. John Elway. He must own 100 car dealerships.

Fucking everything. By now. When I left, you know, I used to work at Cherry Creek Jeep Eagle. Oh, really? You know what that is? No, no, no. That's not even there anymore. When it was Dandy Doug.

Is it off of... This is 1994. And there was a movie thing. either there. I can't believe that you just said that movie. I went to see the getaway with Baldwin and when he was married to the blonde. They remade the

Steve McQueen movie. That's the first time I ever seen Alec Baldwin. I'm like, that dude is fucking good. I'd never seen him before. Did Elway buy that dealership? He owns like a hundred dealership. I left in 95. It was Clint. It was Doug Spetting

off where the 70 becomes the 36 or the 25 into Boulder, yeah. Into Boulder. Is that turn off? It used to be a car dealership there, Doug Spettig. There's a shitload of car dealerships there now.

I used to work on 104th. When I first moved back to, I had a great relationship with Colorado, man. It was something. But once I got in trouble and I got out, I've always felt guilty because it was a nice place. Now I was living there and I had to live there. But, man, it was. Did you stand up there now? Comedy Works? Any of that?

I'm going back in Denver in June, June 6th. To Comedy Works? Yeah. In a long time. But that's why I started. Those do well, man. The comic works do well. Oh, please. Fuck yeah, they do well. Joe did a special there. Yeah, no, that's a great place. And Boeuf is a great player. I just can't believe they won't take the fucking comedy.

But the broker, you know what the broker is? They used to do comedy there on Tuesday. That's where I started. Oh, wow. I used to be the host. the house MC there on Tuesday nights for about two years that's where I was every Tuesday night

it was state night it was like 1095 and you got to know they're still known for their steak the steak the shrimp bowl when you walk in they give you a shrimp bowl Lee soon as you walk in no questions asked they give you a shrimp bowl it's your shit blood it's from the it's from the oil spill of 1922

but it's free but it's fucking free and they used to have four of them Lee you might be the highest looking guy I've ever seen my life. Oh, I know. I'm sick. And then he gave me a green hornet, and then, like, a piece of the star. What's a green hornet? Oh, show it. It's like... The star, the only reason I've ever heard of the stars, because it's Joey. Yeah, that's the star that... This one, this used to be 6,000 milligrams. It was a

huge star. It's down to like, maybe. What do you think? What do you give it? Twelve hundred milligrams over now? And how long has that last you? Two weeks? days. You see it? It's like squishy. Joe, what you see?

It's half. It's crazy. The only reason he has the knife is because I'm here. Like if it was just you, you'd take like four bites out of it.

Both. The eyes got never seen in my life. It's fucked up. I'm going to San Diego this weekend and it's going to be like this the whole.

We're taking an edible like a noon tomorrow. You usually travel with Joe? No, not you. Not just this weekend. It was in a while.

San Diego's great, man. You have fun down there. No shit. Hell, yeah. So how many years did you play at CU? I was there for four years. Fucking four years. Four years.

Redshirted a year. Yeah, and three. And did you guys get far as you were there? Oh, yeah. Big 12 North champs. All three years I played. And we lost in the Big 12 championship every year, too. We lost to those killer teams, though.

We lost to Texas. when they lost USC in the National Championship, when they had Vince Young. We lost 50 to 3 to them. We lost to Oklahoma when they had Adrian Peterson, Jason White, two Heisman winners. And when you're talking about, we played some teams, man. Yeah, you do. Yeah. It was a beast.

We were good, man. We were damn good. We also, nothing was worse than being, when we lost to, God, I want to say we lost, we might have lost 70 to 14 to Texas. when they had Vince Young. But I was on the fucking kickoff return team. And when they're scoring, you know, they score 70 points. I got to see the same dude every damn time, man. It was miserable.

He was just this killer. Just this killer, man. I just remember dreading it. Dread it. You know, after fucking, you know, seven touchdowns is 42 points. So after seven times, you're like, dude, how many times they got to see this damn kid? I just remember it. It was miserable.

We got embarrassed, man. Rings are great. We'd get seasons, but those teams were untouchable. I was there in the McCarthy era with Sal and Nessie when he had the stomach cancer and the kid with the daughter. Yeah. And the fucking, oh, my God, it was sad. But they kept pulling it off.

And they tied Notre Dame or something like that. And there was accusations that the football, the quarterback was a Crip. Yeah. He kept coming back on the weekend. and getting crack and taking it that way. You know, this is, what the fuck you're doing? You're in college. You're broke.

I'll tell you what, there's no, I'm just going to go off on a little tear, but there's no bigger crooks in the world than NCAA. There's no bigger crook. If you think about them, as much money as they make off kids, and you see this kid, I think it's for Baylor. He was homeless, walked on to the team, made the team. The NCAA just banned them for life for taking food, and shelter from an outside source.

Band. Can't play anymore. Can't play football anymore. Homeless kid. Think how much money the NCAA makes off these kids. Johnny Mansell, jerseys, you know what I'm saying? Ohio State sales. Video games.

They have a ton of video games. Dude, video games. TV rights. I mean, when Tim Tebow played, his jersey was the number three most popular selling jersey in the world. He doesn't get a dime of that? Didn't get a dime of that? NCAA gets it all.

University of Florida gets it all. Oh, my God. He didn't see a single penny. Nothing. And then you're going to ban a kid for life because he was homeless and took shelter and food from a family. It's ridiculous. There's no bigger scam in this world than NCAA.

You know the years you put on the team? Yeah. That's something. One of the kids on that team, his dad was a gangster. There wasn't a witness relocation plan. Really? Which kid? I don't know what his name is.

I never really asked. He called him to the show a couple times, and we were talking about it. That's where he lived when he was in the witness relocation plant. They recruited him out of Boulder, Colorado. And he lived in Boulder, and he didn't go pro. He lives in San Francisco, selling something or something. Black kid? No, white kid.

How can the black kid be in the fucking mafia? Is it? Yeah, that's true. That's a white kid. That's really crazy. You said that I just remembered that. God, I wonder who it is now. There was a drug dealer in Aspen that had been blown up.

That the fucking papers, they took to the fucking cleaners on this guy. He was making $6 million every fucking six weeks. They fucking blew him up in a Jeep in Aspen while he was working out. Every night he always paid somebody $10 to go start his car. This night there was nobody around. He went out and started his car. Damn, the one time. Oh, my God.

And he lived. He just bled out on the way of the highway. I mean, this motherfucker lived. You got that much money hidden. They went to his house. They killed him 30 days before he went on trial. They had gone into his house a year before and found pockets

full of cash in garbage cans. He would hide it. Like if it was leaves and outside. You know, $900,000 counts everywhere. And then he went to restaurants and dropped the money off at a different restaurant. Like, if you're my friend, I go, Brendan, leave this here. Let me know what my tab is up.

And you're like, there's $9,000. And he, even if you eat every fucking night, and you bite the other for everybody every night, you'll never spend this shit, you know? They found his Coke in Boulder one time. At the bus station, that's how that whole investigation started. Boulder. And you look at Bowled and you're like, no, Joey.

By the Albertson, do you remember what that was? By 28th you, by Coco's about, about, like Camard out there? There used to be a field out there. They used to be a field out there. And they used to be a pizza place. in South Boulder. The guy had, not A-Bos, there was a different pizza chain

for running Boulder. Not Bojos. No, no, no, no, no. This is on... I think they sold... Cosmos? No, no. They were brick oven, something.

This is 30 fucking years ago. But they, one night that son, he decided he didn't want to work for the pizza par anymore. He was selling cars and going to school, and I was selling cars and going to school. And we used to work opposite shit. And one day he didn't come in He didn't come in for a few days

And he was telling me a story that He had gotten arrested And he came out in the paper days later That he was walking his dog He let his dog off the leash The dog went on to the field Was sniffing something He went over to see what it was

It was a briefcase He picked it up, there was money He picked it up to leave him Within 30 feet The fucking cops jumped on him And shit they threw him down the floor They set up a mock lab They fucking tested the blow

This is all right down there Boulder was buck wild like that Because everything went through fucking Boulder back in those days Bold is not uh then you had the bus stop Yeah Which the bus stop is a strip club That's owned by a church We were banned together

See you players? Yeah yeah yeah I'd been there a couple times That's a strip because there's nothing else to fucking do them though There was nothing else to do A church owns it? A guy that owned it died and left it to a church It's like the only strip club within fucking 30 miles Yeah

Unless you want to go to Denver where you have shotgun willies Where they don't fucking around And Diamond Cabaret Diamond Cabaret Diamond Cabaret It must be a bounce man there You know they used to do comedy there Really?

When they first opened in 19 They opened probably in 94 They didn't know what they were really doing They were serving steak They had three show rooms going then That's a big place Diamond Camer Right? Big place yeah Big place yeah

I just work at the nightclub It's called Wish. I was a bounce A bouncer there. Yeah, when I first started comedy Diamond Cabaret, you had to know somebody to get up. It was Monday nights... It's still tough to get in there, man. Yeah, it was Monday nights after Monday night's football.

And they paid you, but it was tough to even get on. They wanted, like, dirty commie. They want, like, weird fucking commie, so... The place is, like, the pro ball for strippers of Denver. It's like the best strippers in Denver at Diamond Cabrero. Is it? It's not Shotgun Willys? Ooh, Shotgun Willis is...

Oh, good call. Shotgun Willis is fire. Shotgun Willis. I'm not a big strip club guy. I never have been. But Shotgun Willis is a good one. And then you have the ones where you go and they're naked and you just can't... You have to bring your own booze in. That's the one I was telling you I went into an Aurora

in Arvada. Arvada is where it's fucking dirty and nuts. And one that I was selling cars in a hundred and fourth and Thornton. And I got out of that. That was in the halfway. house and boulder. I was telling these guys a story and I got out of there with like a fucking half ounce of blow and I didn't have to be

until midnight. It was like 9.30. They go, let me go to this strip club. I went in there. There was a Korean chick with fake dits and blonde streaks on the hair. Brendan Sharp it was over, Jack. We started doing powder. I was fingering or eating it. I started putting a coat box. No pussy. I ate. I don't give a fuck.

You know me, dog. When you're in hell, you're in hell. Fuck it. I'm going to pull back. You're going to make a wash a pussy. Fuck it. Give it to me straight. Give me that cough medicine. You know what I'm saying? You're going to get that. Give me that fun.

And the more your finger from, that soy smell came out. That soy juice sucky, sucky, came out. It was fucking tremendous. My dick was getting hard. We did the whole fucking package. And I went back to that fucking hard. How was that cost you? It didn't.

I was selling it at the time. I was selling at the car dealership. I was crazy, Brendan. I was in the halfway house, fucking selling blow. and lending money for rent with a Vig. Like, I would pay you $75 for your weekly rent, but you charge you like $105 back, 102. I was fucking crazy, so it didn't even matter.

It didn't even go. But a cream with fake tits and blonde streets. Oh, it's a rap. She was done. She was done. As soon as I saw her, I know it was. Were you ever a strip club guy, though? No, no, no.

I've never been that guy ever. It never made sense to me. Never made sense to me. It was very embarrassing. I agree, man. When I started dating Carol, she stripped, that's when it even became creepier to me. I really found out what it really, really was.

Yeah, man. I was very naive for years. I went in there. I tried to get my dick sucked, but I moved on, or I tried to get a hand job, or whatever. You went in there for 20 bucks

and really thought you're going to fuck them. So you spend 60, nothing happens, and you leave pissed off. Well, you got to pull them aside and go, listen. I want to let you pussy on fire. I'll meet your Denny's in Boulder afterwards. And they'll fucking meet you and suck your dick. That's the whole thing.

We've got to give money before. I didn't know this shit. But I'd be too embarrassed to do something like that fucking anyway. So I just was never really... And I grew up, and I tell these guys, I grew up in a club called the Metal Lans in when I was a kid with a chick that chick that's in the Galliano bottle. So my strip club days, that shit got out of me early.

You were young. And then if you go to Canada, like I did Toronto comedy. Like when I'm 98, 97, way before I moved to LA. I used to go to Toronto. Let me tell you something. I love Toronto. You ever go to a strip club in Toronto? You'll never go to a strip club in the States.

I heard the girls are ridiculous. Ridiculous. And, you know, I was going up and buying their pubic hairs and pulling my head back. And their head, I mean, it was crazy. And I'm not a strip club. I just didn't see the other side of it. In L.A., it's a disgusting, greasy side. It's the, they go in there to show off.

kind of sort of these guys. I agree. It's more of a, like, a ego thing. What's the one on sunset by the gas station? Starstrip. It's yellow. It's like those yellow knee. I've never been there. Yeah. That's where the movie stars go in. They go in there and they get lap dancers.

Oh my God, she's fantastic. And she smells like fucking onions and shit. She smells like... I never got it, man. I never got it. I just never got it. I never fucking got it. Certain guys love them. I'm a disgusting person I don't even want to go to Hooters

if you're not going to show me your pussy, listen I don't want to eat your cheeseburger that's simple, right or wrong I like Hooters' wings, man that's too skinny for Papa, you know You're too skinny for Papa Once you go to Buffalo and you see what those wings are about It's tough after the...

What about Buffalo Wild Wings? No, that's not a Buffalo Wild Wings, that's just the name. Buffalo Wild Wings is owned by a guy named Chad You never ate a Buffalo Wing of this fucking life He's probably a vegan He's got sandals on and shit Making that money though

Yeah he's getting paid like so Well I get one cheap meal a week right now With this fucking diet I'm on And I'm going to Buffalo Wild Wings on Sunday It's good Take Lee with you Take Lee with you I don't even pick up the tag

I love it Look at I'm so high as fuck You just want some wings man I love him When I moved to Boulder I met a girl that was from Buffalo and her family was from Buffalo and on Saturdays or Sundays

we'd smoke dope me and her and we'd get fresh chicken wings and fresh blue cheese sounds nice and she'd cut the chicken and she'd fucking cook them in a walk and then she'd make up the sauce with Frank's hot sauce and butter

and she'd dip it on the fucking thing and she made her own blue cheese dressing and we'd bite coronas I'd have married her I didn't and uh And she'd fucking, we drink coronas and just sit back. And after that, I'd go to Buffalo with her.

And I got so spoiled that now I don't eat regular wings. So you won't fuck with the wing? Unless I'm in Buffalo. You've had the Royals, Royce of chicken wings. Now you won't fuck with the common. Oh, I fuck around, yeah. Damn. Yeah, especially if I look around and I see fucking people eating rats dressing.

I got to go. You just hate ranch? It's insulting to me. I've been in Buffalo. How are you going to do? You know what I am? Yeah, I get it. It's like going to Chinese.

I don't need to eat the Chinese food with the chopsticks. Yeah. You follow me? But the chicken wing needs to go with the blue cheese. The ranch, you just fucking up. That's something. The ranch is some terrorist shit. It's like putting pineapple on pizza.

You're just breaking my balls. You're just doing it to a map my fucking life. It's bullshit. Yeah, you're just doing it to piss me your fuck off. It's insulting. I want you to take the plane to Italy. I'll give me the Vig. Take the Italy and find me one fucking Italian eating fucking pizza with pineapple.

If you find one of my fucking Italian, I'll suck your dick on the video. I'll suck your asshole. I'll tongue ball you. I'll do the whole fucking thing. I'll two-fingeroo with you. Oh, my God. It's true.

You know, it fucking piss. It's like Mexicans must be pissed. They just don't give a fuck. They're lazy like that. Taco Bell steals all their fucking... Just make shit up. There's no chalupa in Mexico? There's no chelupa.

No. They just make that shit. Hey, I hate to tell you, there's no orange chicken in China. No. There's no fucking... There's no... make this shit out. You don't sasme chicken and shit that going, what the fuck

are they talking about with this new fucking inventions? These triple tacos, there's nobody in Mexico doing this shit. It fucking pinninis, what the fuck? Ficcaccio bread. I like fagia bread. It's a pinini that pisses

me. Because it comes from fucking nowhere. Now you got drafted. No, I didn't get drafted. a free agent Yeah It's a different

Fucking world up there though What Especially as a free agent They have no stock in do That's when I realized That the NFL was Pro sports in general UFC is cutthroat as it gets

If not more so than the NFL But Nah that's when you realize It's a business man Legit business They don't give a fuck About your feelings Or your family

You know It's heartbreaking really You play football You fall in love with as a child, you play peewee football. Oh, yeah. You know, you play Red Raider football 135. Yeah. Play freshman football with these

batch of guys that you've been playing with. For five or six years, then, you know, whatever. And you go to college and just that level, just jumping from high school. Even when you're all state, you're like, you know what, I got this. But once you go to Division I and you get there, you're like, oh, my fucking God. You know, all summer long, I just stayed in the yard

doing push-ups and running 40s. Not the same. These fucking savages started at the age of four. And then you, that's when you know, you break. And I'll tell you, even with me, with my sport, it was basketball. All I wanted to do was play for North Carolina. When I was a kid, I'm like, listen, I'll get to North Carolina. I'll rebound my way to North Carolina.

That's how I'll do it. And when I was like a junior, I'm like, I'm in no danger. You got to be six for fucking three and have 40-inch fucking leaps to fucking, And that was heartbreaking for me. That was the worst when I came to the realization. I can't imagine being like in college and not knowing you're going to go pro. You know, your buddies are going pro, you know. My best friend at the time, I just saw the different treatment because he was a first round to late, late first round early, second round pick.

I just remember seeing the treatment. He got the treatment I got and it was tough, man. And he always tried to kind of, you know, help me out. and he'd bring me along to certain stuff. But, man, you're talking about night and day different, man. And then you go to, you know, Buffalo Bills, and they don't even know your name. They don't even know your fucking name. I call you by your number, you know?

Yeah, it was just the, to me it was just a business. And the other thing is, not to say that I didn't get a fear shot, but it's just different, man. I felt like what I put into the game, and it doesn't know, the game doesn't owe me anything. But what all the time and amount of effort and my dreams I put into the game, it, it, I, I didn't get back. That's what I felt with football. When I left, I remember flying home from Buffalo just being like, fuck, man, this is fucking dirty.

Yeah, I remember you're super brokenhearted. You just realize, because as a kid, you think it's all that's, you know, glitz and glamour and hard work pays off on stuff. Then you get the NFL, it's like, nah, homie, there's a lot of other things that go into this. Even college football, it's a thousand different fucking things. Oh, man, what? College? Yeah.

And you're at a high school. You're the biggest guy. And the guy you've been practicing against for four years is 40 pounds your lighter. You get to college. You're the little fucking guy. Yeah, man. You're the little fucking guy. And I've seen it with my friends that went to college.

I'm like... But at least in college, at least you have... You're like, all right, I have four to five years to grow into this to give the NFL a shot. The NFL, there's no grown into it. There's no four to five years to get used to trying to, you know, make something out of yourself. You have one shot. You know what I'm saying? saying? Like college, they'll say

all right, this kid's small, he has potential, he has good footwork, we can work down, we can put some size on, he's going to become a player. In the NFL, it's like, nah, man, you better be ready to go. But that's all sports, that's hoops. Oh yeah, pro sports. Pro sports, man, is no punk. God, the UFC, you know the average

career in the UFC is a year and a half? A year and a half. I mean, you, you know, we talk about these guys, and I've been the UFC for damn near seven years now, a little over six, but the thing is, is For every main card you see those five guys you see on T, those five matches you see on TV, or you see the prelims on Fox Sports, there's guys on the undercard just chomping at the bit to get there, man.

Chomping at the bit. And a lot of them, you know, they lose two. They're out. You're a half. That's fucking everything. You got to perform. You have to perform. You think it's something different for comedy?

No. Take you to Montreal. You don't get a shot. You don't get a, you know, you work. You work at everything now. You take a chance because it's your fucking dream. I agree. But you know what?

You evolve. Like, okay, so you're in the UFC for a year and a half. Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus fucking Christ. How many people have that shot to be in the UFC for a year and a half? True. Now you have to evolve with that. But the only difference between comedy,

don't get me wrong, comedy's the toughest job as theirs in the business. But you can do comedy to your what? 65. You could be fucking 65, maybe 70. if you take care of you, 70, UFC, NFL, NBA, if it takes you six years to crack through, two years, you have a small window.

No matter whether you start from your rookie year until you retire after 10 years, you have a small window, man. So those years you're not performing, you're not getting by, very small window. In comedy, it's really at your own pace, right? You can just keep grinding at these smaller shows until you make it big.

There's no grinding in, you know, But you evolve. You become a writer. You go, you know what? I don't want to do this in a moment. I'm going to write a book and see where that goes. And in the meantime, your friend hires you because he can't write dirty jokes for the roast. Yeah.

So there's always something as long as you keep believing. And I always believe, you know, listen, I'm 52. I came out here at 32 hoping that, or 34, hoping. I didn't even know what I was hoping for. I just wanted to survive. I didn't think I was going to survive. I thought I'd be an extra. I'm like, I'll be in it.

Did you come out here? Because a lot of people, when I was Callan came out to be an actor, fell into comedy. And he's just, you know, he's a brilliant comic. Did you come out here to be an actor? I came out to be a comic. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Gotcha.

I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. He told me, keep coming out like him. Latino nights are getting big. Latino nights are getting big. It's your way into the clubs. I was like, I don't fucking know. I didn't even like LA. Yeah.

I'd been here like 10 times. I never liked it. And every time I came, I liked it. I didn't get it. I'm like, who fucking lives here? Because on TV, they show you the beach and chicks and bikinis, but then I'll show you the fucking inner life. They don't show you the 101 and Western and fucking Vermont.

They don't show you those fucking streets, you know? And I just came on there. I got spots at the comedy store, and I got spots here, and next thing you know, I could pay rent. Next to, you know, I booked a TV show. Next to, you know, you book a commercial. but you're fighting the whole fucking time you're fighting for your fucking life

whether it's the UFC whether it's the little opportunities you get to capitalize in them you know Frank Mia right he was old fucking 19 he won his last fight now he's headlining some fucking The main event in San Diego against Todd Duffy

You listen you fucking never know and you know God knows that gives him a lift now right now if I'm fucking Frank yeah in the back of my mind I'm thinking I want to beat Todd Duffy, but there's 10% that you're like, what's my next fucking move? Well, he has to be thinking that. What if this guy gets me with a flying fucking knee?

What do I do, open up a jih Tzu school? Open up an MMA school. How many of those are there? I agree. You know, there's a jihitsu school is fucking 7-11s. Jim's a tough business to run, man. It's not a good idea. Jesus Christ.

I mean, I look at Burbank in North Hollywood. there's seven jiu jitza schools. Burnbank is North Hollywood. Yeah, I mean, you could open it up and probably break even. Is that what you want to do, though? Because you're going to be at that gym 24-7. There's no nine to five hours when you're an owner. That's a tough gig, man.

Lee, how are you doing? You got any input to that? He's just going to sit there with a fucking zamba. Let me give some shout out to you. So we get you gone. Look at the fucking shape of you. Jesus, Christ. Chris Carrow Zakarian

I love you, cocksucker Michael Oström, Kyle Schip Uki Spooky Scott Musa, Phil McRewis Razz dude and Amy I love you, cocksucker Anyway, how's that For a couple fucking shoutouts

Let people know we love him Oh yeah, you got it, man It's the fans that make this show Listen, you know Fans that make everything I I You have a year and a half

What's longevity of an NFL running back? Three and a half years. You know, so what's the fucking difference? I mean, it's what you do with it. Who's the guy, O.J. Anderson.

O.J. Anderson was a 36-year-old fucking washout. Do you remember ma'am? And what he did? Type up O.J. Anderson, watch what O.J. Anderson did. Football player? Yes. And I'm going to tell you. From what college? Who the fuck knows

what college? The University of Black people. I don't fucking know. The University of Brothers. That was a bad motherfucker, OG. Otis Anderson? Otis Anderson. What did he do? What was his claim to fame?

I'm going to tell you what it was. What does it say? And how old was he? He was like, it said he was 36. This dude was like fucking 41. Every bit of 45. And the Giants picked him up at the end. People were laughing at the Giants.

This guy had legs. and he had a heart. Lee, how long's it take you to fucking break it out? I don't know what I'm looking for. Otis Anderson. Who do you play for? Okay. Let's see.

Jesus Christ, Lee. Take your time. And then at the end, who do you play for? The Packers? No, and who are. The Giants? And he won a Super Bowl. Okay. Do you see it on there or no? It's not on there. It's not the fucking show. You can't be getting him this high. No, no, no. He's fucked up, embarrassing. The producer. of the show. I was the scratch that off your car. He fucking was an old dude that the Giants picked up. And that year, I think they played against New England or, no, Buffalo.

They just knew he was good for 15 runs. And he'd get six or seven yards. Per fucking, yeah, they knew for the Super Bowl. They were like this motherfucker. He's going to get 15 runs and he'll run seven yards. It's one. want you to find what he did. I think he was even the Super Bowl MVP, but that

was it after that. He never came back. Nothing. No, that was it. That was it. They fucking killed him that night. I mean, you have peaks and valleys. So for a couple of years... That's sports, man. He wasn't good. You know, he was barely holding on. Yeah. And all of a sudden, the Giants

pick him up for $55. Yeah, he was the Super Bowl MVP of... Look at that. Fifth... Of 15, I think, or 25? Super Bowl 25. He had a 102-yard and a touchdown on 21 carries. How much? How old was he? He was like 36 when he fucking was the MVP Super Bowl.

He was an old man and shit. That's my point. That you have peaks and fucking valleys. You understand me? That's with everything, though, right? Show business, sports. I said, man, you may be on a sitcom for fucking six years that gets canceled.

People see you on the street six years later. Hey, man, what happened to you? Yeah. What happened to me? I bought a fucking house. the fucking tomato garden. And on the weekends, I sell tomatoes for fucking $10 a piece at the farmer's mark, and I make my

another, right? What happened? I'm just existing. And you're just waiting for that next phone call. Yeah. You know, and you get the phone call and all of a sudden you spark up again. The dude from American family, you know, Ted Bundy. Oh, Ed O'Neill? He was big, yeah, he was big till fucking whatever.

How do you thought? For 10 years, he didn't do dick. Blackbell? Yeah, black belt and you all of a sudden he gets this. You never know what point, but you can't give up. because the door shuts on you. You have to keep fucking going. All right, so this door shut on me. Fuck it. So if you're a running back and you run this way

and there's a fucking linebacker, that's it? No. You spin that motherfucker and you go this way, boom. And maybe this fucking DB, you catch him flat-putted, and now he's in a pursuit. And every fucking yard, every fucking yard is $1,000 in negotiation.

Am I lying to you? No, yeah. They fucking know. Who do you think you're dealing with? Some knob is here? I told him been a sports fucking agent The fuck is wrong with you people I could have been a fucking sports novice agent

Everybody knows those The NFL and the owners are like the improps That they look at everything They love you to death You know they let you do the commercials And jump up and down But at negotiation time They're going for your fucking throat

Sharks man They're fucking sharks They're going for your business And they'll tell you Remember that game against New England You were supposed to score You were supposed to get 200 yards but you got 198 yards

those two fucking yards and you're sitting there going we won the soup bowl whatever the fuck it is I didn't know how when I did the longest yard I had a long weekend with Brian Bosworth just me and him by a pool that's right he was in that and dog he broke it down for me

that they were taking his fucking his checks they were finding him for letting his shirt out of his pants you know he just did that 30 for 30 It was really sad. Yeah, it was amazing.

He broke down a lot. And he told me he had gone to therapy in Hawaii. It took a long time. They fucked him. But I remember when he was kicking ass, dog. Oh, he was killing. I still remember when he was kicking ass at Oklahoma. You can't take that away from him, man.

A big football years. Yeah, I lived and Boulder during some good years. I fucked up by year and Bolt. My years in Boulder. I could have got a nice degree from Boulder, dog. It's good place to get a degree from. Fucking nothing. For free on the arm.

Nice. It was very nice. I like that campus. I like how they treated the people there. You know, they were upply white people, bro. They were very upply white people. And like I said, they're not racist,

and they're very intelligent, but when the shit goes down, they're going to point their fingers at the black people, the neighborhood. Or that's just normal shit. That's how people are. You know? But that was a kinky fucking town, man.

I got arrested there, and I went to jail there in the county. a lot of weird crimes did that. And some of the weirdest people I met were on that hill. Like I became friends of these two guys. You know, Robert Redford worked at the sink, right? Yeah. Right?

Robert Redford worked at the sink. And what's the place across the street? The Fox Theater was where I opened up for Ice Cube. Oh, nice. Right? And across from that is the place that sells chicken, roses. Is that still there? And up the corner is the fucking sandwich place.

Oh, yeah. Oh, what's that sandwiched? place called. It's a sandwich place at the corner next door. Famous sandwich place. Used to be a

movie theater next door. That sandwich place had been there for years. I don't know if it's the same guys. Now, they used to be partners. It was four of them. And they were making

tons of money because they were making fresh chicken couplets. They still are. Lines out the door. Out the fucking door. But now it's different owners. Trust me.

There were four kids that all went to high school together and knew each other from day one. But one kid was a bodybuilder. and all of a sudden the fucking feds areated the place. He was getting fucking shipment sent from Germany. Shipping boxes of Deca, fucking Stravanazole.

He was fucking... Distributing. That's where the feds are going to red flag you. And some friend of mine, a car guy was the one who got busted with them, and then he had a roll, and he rolled on the sandwich place. But that sandwich guys,

those guys started from scratch. It wasn't even on the hill. It was somewhere else. And then they expanded to the fucking hill. And that's where the shit started between them, then the partners broke up. And one guy went away. The other guy moved to Boston with some chick.

He used to call me on the slide. I got to call you now. My girlfriend's shopping. She doesn't want me calling any of my old friends. What are you fucking talking about? What are you in captivity? What the fuck is wrong with you? What is this guy here?

What's up, Lee Cox second? Look at the shitty fucking We're going to need you to sober up, brother. It's not going to be possible right now. All right, so, how many fights are you going to left on the contract? I have four on my contract.

I signed a six-fight deal with him. How many do you want to do? You know what, man. My next fight's going to be at 205. So I have this mock weight cut. It's going to take me 11 weeks. I'm just going to get through this one and then take it from that.

What are you weighing in it now? I'm 251 right now You gotta get down to 205 Well I'm getting down to 220 in 11 weeks And I'm cutting the last 15 pounds of water weight that week of And then we're seeing if it's possible And then the USC said all right If that goes well, then tell us when you're ready to fight

So that's the plan man 11 weeks cut this weight Taking this fight and that's all I can tell you One fight and then we'll see You start training all right? Yeah. What are you doing? You're doing all that?

Stand up, but no sparring right now. No sparring. No sparring. Yeah. Just technique and jiu-jitsu. A lot of with this weight loss man's diet and fucking cardio. Tons of cardio. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You got into the cardio, cut your fucking carbs down. Keep an protein in 185 and your fat's at 59. That's a beast, man. What you think you're dealing with? Oh, man. You know what's up. You know what it's up? You've cut a ton of weight.

Lee, what's the story of you? over there, cocks sucker. Get it together. I'm here. Look at the shape of you're supposed to be like a fucking man. He comes in and he's got the flu. Yeah, right. The flu. It's supposed to have the fucking flu league.

It's going to be gone tomorrow. So you like living out here, my brother. You have a nice. You look good. You look healthy. So obviously you like it. Love it. Never leave.

This is fuck. This is it. Whatever the fuck, fuck Denver in the mound. Fuck Denver. They're going to hate me. And the cowboys and the white Christians. It's over.

Love L.A. man. Never leave. Love it here. It's my home here, man. Everything's here. My show's here. Training's great here.

I would give my heart to move back to Boulder. Really? Yeah. Because they get sunshine. If I didn't have to... The thing I don't like about the whole Colorado thing is the airport. That's it. DIA?

How far it is? Yeah, I can't. That was a mistake from day one. I agree. We know why they did it. I mean, there's all the underground city. You know, if the president, if we go into a state of

like nuclear warfare he comes at Denver and there's an underground bunker in Denver so the reason it's so far out you can look this up there's all these blueprints that they have is they built like this underground bunker there's all this shit out there man underneath the airport it's weird stuff man

look at your face like what the fuck there's a reason it's just out there and there's just fields for fucking days have you ever been another city where there's an airport like that never never you fly you fly a DIA, you're 45 minutes away from anything. Anything. You've never seen anything like that.

And you could see that they built it so there's nothing out there. So when it snows, it's going to be horrible. There's nothing to distract the snow. It's out there and fucking It doesn't make sense at all. It feels like you're driving to Kansas. You're picking somebody up in

Kansas. They built a light rail to there, though. That's what they've been doing. The hell who gives a fuck. That's the problem of flying in there. I can't trust that. It's miserable, man. It's miserable. What if you have a gig somewhere?

They sold tickets already. And I'm in Denver stuck because you don't know what's going to happen then. No. It could be sunny at 8 in the morning. You could be packing your shit going. Fuck it. I'm flying the Texas one in the afternoon. I'll be there at 4 for lunch.

Whatever the fuck you plan is. By the time you get to the airport, the cloud could be moving in. Oh, yeah. You're like, oh, shit. And next thing you know, Boom, you're at the fucking airport stuck. They got your luggage. Nobody would come out and get you.

You know, there's snow banks and shit. Fuck you, man. I can't trust that shit. Fuck you. Yeah, it's a beast. Fuck you. You know, if you're inside, you want to smoke pot. You got to walk, fuck.

You've got to be on a shuttle flight. I think it's 30 minutes just to get outside the civilization with the shuttle and shit. You got to take that. Then you got to go back through security. It's just, it's too much for me for an airport, you know? I agree. I like them simple. What's all the fucking?

What's with all the guys? What's the motherfucking, you know what I'm saying? Well, you're flying to Chicago. You're downtown Chicago, man. Walk out, you're in the city. You're in the city. L.A.? You're right there, man. You're a cab right away from anything.

Houston, boom. Even if you landed fucking Bob Hope, Bob dope, whatever the fuck. Even this one here, Burbank, you land right around the corner is a sushi spot. Yeah, you're good. You're good. Something. Isn't San Francisco really far away? No.

No. No. Maybe just at the time I went, I thought it was like a 20 or 30-minute ride. 20 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you have to drive a little while. Not too bad. No, no, but it's not. What we're saying is not Denver.

It's not 45 minutes in Denver. Denver, I mean, you're literally flying into cornfield. You land, you're starving. You're fucking starving. All you're thinking about is a green chili burrito and shit. They have some legit restaurants in the airport, but still. No, no, not like that. Not that's a not.

They don't have no chubbies. They have a chop house. Do they really? They ain't got no fucking chubbies. I don't want no chapp house. I want some nice green chili. fucking maritos and shit like that. Let me talk about the sponsors.

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No strings attached. Free, okay? It's like two bucks for fucking shipping. You can go for the two bucks, trust me. It's worth what you're going to get for two bucks, all right? I want to thank Brendan Sharp for coming on this show tonight. I have no idea what we talked about. But who gives a fuck?

Those are easily the good fucking podcast. I want to thank Lee for getting all whacked up. As usual, I'm going to be in San Diego tomorrow night. and Saturday night at the American Comedy Club. Next week I'm going to be at the Houston Improv fucking tearing it up like a man out of prison. Don't forget to come on out, all right? What else, Brandon Sharby?

Anything you want to talk about? When is the fighter and the kid coming back? That's it, man. Fighting the kid. Next week? Yeah. We have an episode coming out tomorrow morning with your eye favor. All right.

At Brendan Shab. Yeah, it's good. So even though fucking Brian Callan went hunting. I keep this circus going, man. I keep this. Well, oil machine, man, yeah. Everybody wants to beat Johnny Hunter. It wasn't until they get shooting a foot.

And they come back limp and his shit crying. You're going to tell him, fuck you now. Who needs no fucking, I don't need no host with a missing foot. Get it out of here, Lee. Tell these people what's cracking. I love you guys. Stay black. Thank you for listening.

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