The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #274 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 15, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. 
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Recorded live on 04/15/2015.
 Music:
 One In A Million - Aaliah Black Hole Sun - Soundgarden

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You shouldn't start with a Leo. No, fucking soundguards. But fuck it now. Leave it there. Oh shit. Kicking it. It's tax day, motherfucker. Pay your taxes.

You're going to get fucked in the ass like Aaron Hernandez. That's how we're starting this podcast off today and shit. You want to be a real American, pay your fucking taxes. I didn't pay him from like nine years myself, but I went down to the IRS office and I came clean with those motherfuckers and I made payments for six years. Let's do this shit.

What, Lee? Six years. Stone to the gills today. Don't start with the questions. Stone to the gills. today. The church of what's happening now. Lee Syatt, Joey Diaz, the guest canceled that.

Fuck them. It's a motherfucking church. Three cheap or choose in. What have you done to your fucking country? They talked stuff. What? Uh, uh, uh. What's happening, baby boys, baby girls, your home?

Whatever the fuck you're doing on the East Coast. You just get home at din, then, din time. What do you got for the dinner? Macaroni and cheese crap, whatever the fuck some pork chops. Not bad. Who might have fucking complain? What's up, Devoicious? I can't believe you had three Jeevichu's.

And I was going to give you one. You did give me one. I was, caught up in my mind. I ate the one by mistake. So I ate two after the fucking workout. And that was it was happening, baby. Everything all right? Yeah, I'm doing great.

That's it's Wednesday. Nothing crack of Lacking in town. No. Made a couple moves this week. I still have not gone for my fucking blood test. Unbelievable. Do they call you anymore? or they're just like, nah.

Listen, they know I'm family. What the fuck? These people know I'm family. Are they worried about something? Or is it just like a checkout? No, no, no. This is to give me a medication. But I had like six months work.

So I don't give a fuck. I'll go to the day before the thing runs out. So you still don't like doing blood tests and stuff? Because I know you've worked on it. I got hip to it. I got really good at it after a while. But, you know, fucking. I hate needles too

I got really good at it I got good around the surgeries the other things you always got to do the pre-surgery up but I got out of practice after my last surgery in August and now there's a little there's a couple doubts in my mind

so I just got to work it up go down and get the iPod call the doctor there's a little African nurse that scares the shit on me there's a little Mexico on that they do it right they fucking give you the kid needles

they they uh they uh they uh what do you call that shit they give you the kitten needles do they numb your arm they numb my arm they put the ice under my neck you know so it's a good little fucking time what doubts do you have what doubts do you have about it don't i'm the faint that's it no biggie just just you know you just get like this thing but i go to acupuncture every other tuesday i'm doing well with that i haven't been fainting lately dr amy's doing good dr amy's a good lady every little dr amy see because

what happens is in my world i get like a little pinch and then the pinch runs away in my mind if i'm So I try to avoid those things. You go down to those things high? Sometimes I can't help it. Dr. Amy's 1.30, you know? What's my rule? If you're not high by 2 o'clock, go fuck your mother, so I got to live by you. You can't help it.

You call me the other night. I think it was like 1 a.m. And you call me again at 8 a.m. And you woke up from being super high. And you just, you started the day with hash from the Jew with the one eye. Sure, the Jew with the one eye. If you don't know about that, nobody does. You know what I'm saying?

You can't. Tell me like every other weekend there's a new character that you made up. I didn't make these guys. Yes, you did. He's going back to Israel. He only came from a holiday. He had to put fucking flowers in his grave or his tomb or whatever he's got, some Jew hut. Whatever the fuck he's got.

Don't they have a little Jew huts or whatever the fuck? No, really? Not where they bury people? Yeah, they have like little houses for Jewish people. They have very delamination. I think the Jews, they put like 20. They talk about Puerto Ricans and apartments. 22 Puerto Ricans and apartments.

Those Jews will put 800 fucking family members in the same little fucking embryo. What do they call those things? Like a tomb. Yeah, crypts. Crips. Yeah, they have those little Jew crypts. I'm telling you, I see them. I fucking seen them.

Like in different cemeteries with Jewish families. And then they just have Jewish cemeteries. Right, yeah. Those are the ones you're not allowed like what happened in that one show. You're not allowed to be buried in a Jewish cemetery if you have a tattoo. Right, yeah. Well, I mean, that's like those super religious people, but no tattoo. and then you probably have to be bar mitz foot i don't know what the rules are what you're going to do

you know what cemetery you want to pick out is there a little new cemetery close to la casa in boston close to pha i don't know if i'll be able to go with paula now but i have no idea i don't think about death that much do you think about it no no i don't believe there's some people who do sometimes i get little things you know i mean i'm 52 i already made it halfway in i mean it's bound to happen you know what i'm saying i get up in the morning i just i don't get up in the morning to make heavy duty actions. I don't try to get late in the morning no more. I don't want to get my heart all excited.

I got to live a little bit. You don't like any late in the morning? Oh, no. When I was a youngster and my lungs were okay, yeah, I liked everything in the morning. I could do a fucking ton of coke. It's fucking six in the morning, right, run off the bed. But now you got to watch your heart, you know? So you got to watch your cheat.

You got to watch your heart. Take care yourself a little more. So I always, all heart attacks happen before lunchtime. Really? Most of them, that's what they say. Who the fuck knows? When God wants you, God wants you. You know what I'm trying?

You bend over the tire of your shoelace. Next thing you know, you're huffing and puffing and turning green like you eat a peanut or some shit. Fuck it. That's what happens. Oh, my God, Joey. So, yeah, no, no, no. So you got to be careful. I go to Jiu-Jitzo in the morning.

It scares me a little bit. But the class starts at 9.30. I get there like 20 to 10. We do some fucking drills. I got a slow sweat. And then he slows you down a little bit. And then you do the whatever he teaches you, you do it five times on each movie. on each other and then you roll.

So by the time you roll, you're loose. My first roll, I always got to tap out after two or three minutes because I'm breeding heavy. But once I start sweating profusiously and the fear is overcome, bam, I go back into it. Do you go? How did you do two? No, I don't try enough. But again, it's 930.

I can't hold dogs sometimes. Sometimes I just do it as having. I'm talking to my wife in the kitchen. We get involved in the subject. I get playing the mercy. I go, oh, shit. Let me go outside and hit the fucking pipe. There's a half a pipe filled out there

from last night at 1.30. I take through hits off and I go in the office. I take a shower and when I'm in the shower, I realize, holy shit, I'm fucking stone to the gills. And that's what happens. That's how my... I love how it surprises you, even though you do it every day. Yeah, you know, that's the best in the morning. That's the only thing I do do in the morning.

I like getting fucking stone to the gazillions early in the morning. You love it morning, noon, and night. There's no time difference. No, but the morning one, the first one is the best one. If I went to your house at 6th of morning and got your blasts, We ate breakfast and watched the movie. It's tremendous. The 6 in the morning blast off is fucking tremendous.

It ruins your day. Right. Don't get me wrong. It ruins your fucking day. If you're just a regular civilian or a Gentile out of practice, it ruins your day. But if you're fucking in refra... That's why I try to keep you in training. Don't I always say to you?

What are we doing tonight? Training. We're going to eat a half of edible. Yeah, but let's eat a half of them. Training for what, though? But for the fucking... I told you a thousand times. For when the Russians attack...

Sure. Somebody. Isis comes over and they want a fucking poison you with THC. Fuck it. You've had it before. You've swam in that ocean. It's starting to hit you. Lee,

I can tell. Oh, did you give me like three quarters of a decadose. Stop. I gave you 10 doses. I gave you 20 milligrams. You never gave me 20 milligrams. Fuck, by the way, you gotta fucking start with that.

You gave me 80 doses. I gave you nothing. I gave you what I gave you when I gave you when I give little kids at Halloween. That's what I fucking get those little cock suckers and they knock on the door. My favorite is watching you try to convince somebody who can't do it like the waitresses of the comedy clubs who literally have to go carry trays of like 40 drinks and you're like why does well try it and then you actually get it sometimes i don't know how they carry drinks they love it they're used to it leader that's good yes they are most like it's

been like one out of ten that you get but i feel like it's just a numbers game for you just like no man people like listen those waitresses they work their fucking asses off so i come in i give a little extra fucking treat, put a little pepper in that step, you know, put some fucking whatever, you know, when you're working, I tell you what, man, one of the best feelings in the world, again, is making your day. Right. When you're doing something, you're doing

something I'll expect a little, and somebody goes, p, pst, come here. And you go, and they show you like a Coke rock or a butterhash or a valium. You're having like a weird day, and somebody hooks you up with a high. It's the best feeling. Your day is made. That's true. It is fun drinking at work.

I don't know. If anything, Somebody who makes your day with a high, any type of high. God bless them. Would you get a high when you were roofing? I did everything when I was roofing. The night before I smoked dope. But in the mornings, we smoked dope the first break. And on the way, yeah, I got high all day.

You didn't get scared. That ladder seemed like to be terrifying if you were on it. Once I got better at it, I got used to it, and I did it. You know, I was 20 fucking 8, 27, 30. I could climb a fucking ladder. Now I couldn't climb a ladder. I get on a ladder, the whole thing will fucking collapse. Then the cat underneath it.

The whole fucking thing will go down. But when I was 19, when I first went to Glassboro, one of my first jobs down there was lifting rolls of 90-pound tar paper up to ruse. That's all the guy paid me for. Oh, my God. The job started fucking like August 30th in Humidity Central. Pennsylvania? In Philly.

And he was out of Philly. I forget what his name was. He was a fireman. He was a roof or two. Here's the beauty of it that I was 19. At the time, in my mind, I thought I was in superior shape. I was lifting all the time. I ran a little bit.

Holy shit. How many, like, how many 90-pound things would you have to lift? Whatever, a pallet. Two pallets would come, and you had to stock the fucking roof. So you would stock the roof accordingly as they were. You'd stock it halfway just so they could start. And then you had to watch them and stock the roof. You had a stock insulation and all that shit

But the main daddy of main daddies was those 90 pound rolls And there were some guys that had two of them on their shoulder And what up I tell you what I tell you what the hardest fucking job I see is I see these guys do it every day It's a guy that deliver water You wanna lose weight you tell those guys Hey pick me up at eight and let me do this for a few hours

Or just movers like people who hope you moved from your house Do you ever do that? In Boulder When I first got separated rated, I moved pianos for 12, 13 bucks an hour plus a tip. That's all they give you? That's, I don't, I didn't

know what the going rate is. Fucking piano moves, Lee. I would think, it was just, I forget who I was talking to. It was a college job. Like, you went to college and you went on the job board. Oh, okay. And these are the jobs they had. So one time I went down there, and they had a permanent position where you work there full

time and you move pianos around daily and you had to wax them down and all that shit. I didn't do one I took the other one I was on call and they paid like I don't know 1250 and a tip and you had a fucking climb and pull pianos up with a row I can't lie they did it like four times after I got separated in Boulder in that medium comedy range right I did everything I did that for a while I like I laid tile a good friend of mine had a contracting company and he laid tile and I had to finish it put the cork in the middle of it on knee pads

That's fucking torture. I used to do that for like $65 a day. The small $65. You pay me in $5. That's a really small. That's real small $65. Do you miss doing that sort of stuff? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I fucking miss rolling on the floor right now. I forget what the job is called. Like, you have to do like bat tubs. You have to put that cork in the middle. Right. And then wash it down. It has to dry a little bit. When I was transitioning into comedy, I didn't want to work.

So my answer to that was just to get different jobs, so I wouldn't get bored with them. Okay. Whoever needed me first would call me the night before my money situation. You know, because at that time, I'm talking about 91, 92 when I started comedy and I got separated. I, you know, I went from making a good salary. I was working the comedy club and doing that. I was working the comedy club as a doorman. Was I telling you the story?

Yeah, you were telling me. I wanted to bring it up later. You did the sound. Because I was just joking. We were talking with the opening act in San Diego. You did the sound, and you were like a door guy at a comedy club. Okay. So I get released from whatever, the hut February of 89.

Okay. Okay. And he had already told me about stand-up. The librarian had already said, you're good naturally. You should try it. And then my old roommate, I went over to his stand-up. house one night. He goes, hey, you got to see this tape. So here I am. I'm thinking about stand-up, but not really. Stand-up was not something I even had in my vision yet until he showed me Andrew

Dice Clay's first special. Really? And in that year, I had to stay in the halfway house. That's 89-90. So for people who think about shit, whether it's going to college, whether it's trying to pick up the guitar, and they're procrastinating, don't think I got into, you know, I was young and I was stupid and I didn't know. I had fear. I was insecure. So, okay, so let's establish that January of 1990, that's when the comedy bug really sunk in. And I must have watched an Andrew Dice Clay special 85 times. Do you know how long it took me to get on stage? July, June of 91. So a year and a half.

A year and a half. So, you know, everybody's at home. And I'm not even talking about standard. I'm thinking about even going down to the jitza studio, like, or going down to the gym. I'm going to go to join the gym. It took me 18 months to finally have that. Like, I had the nerve, but I still wouldn't go to the comedy club. I would cancel. Oh, really?

I would cancel all the time. I'd call and get put on the open mic, and the day of the open mic, I'd cancel. So don't think, you know, you're at home thinking about doing something, and you can't make the fucking move. Oh, my God. And then finally I took a course on stand-up comedy,

like January of 92 at the University of Colorado. And he referred me to a comedy club called Witts End in Westminster. Lee, what's the story? Focus. I'm focusing on Westminster, Colorado. Coxucker, you're looking at the back of stars and shit. Got it together. You got that one lazy Jew eye.

It's looking at the 20. The other guy's looking at the register. So he fucking, uh, he referred me to a comedy club and I opened up first as a doorman, like the grand opening. Right. Until they realized it was a dud club. So the sound guy wanted more and money. He got into an argument with the owner.

He only told him to fuck off. So I became the sound guy doorman. Then after another month or a month and a half, the barback told him to fuck off. So I became the combo doorman, barback. Sound guy. And then the midst of all this, I get on stage for the first time. Not there at the Comedy Works in Denver.

I'm going to be in June. and bam I fucking I'm gonna be there in June it's not the exact date but think about it's 24 years later I'm headlining the place

where I first got on stage are you fucking kidding me after I was banned for life thanks to these guys that listened to the fucking podcast and shit they got you out of they got you unbanned no you told the truth

I'm not no fucking sexual predator Oh, no, I know the story, but I'm just saying they unband you? Yeah, I'm performing there fucking in June. No, I know, but I thought you meant that people on the podcast wrote to the club or something. No, no, they just, this is what happens when you fucking people get involved, everybody gets involved, and you come to the shows, and this is it. So it took me all that time.

But once I got on stage, like two months after that, it was when I got separated and all hell went loose, and we finished a job. And before we started a new job, they were like, well, there's more work in the East Coast. So I didn't know. I didn't know if they wanted me to come. So I didn't push it.

I just didn't say nothing. They didn't say nothing. And look, my feeling was correct. Because if they would have wanted me to go back, they would have said, come back with us. Right. So I didn't go back with them. So I was in between all these jobs. One of the jobs, one of my favorite jobs I had was selling neon.

Oh, like the lights? How do you sell neon? Like a hustler. You show up in the morning. You go to Kinkos, you have a general fly that says, hey, my name is fucking Lee. I'm in your neighbor for the next week. I saw open signs, and at the time, neon was popular. And all types of custom neons, this is the type of sign we make, and you put it on a fly.

And I'd walk into the businesses and give them the fucking fly. So I'd park at a mall, like any mall, you know, all these malls you see, anything you see. Like, we get in the car right now. and we go down the block you know right where the food is the Japanese and Big Wang that's the first place I hit I go into all those with a fly

then I go across the street and I go into the theater I go into the federal I go through all that coffee shop then for today I make a left I make a right and I go down to Magnolia and I pass out those flies and I don't stop until I pass out 100 flies

so if you start at 9 o'clock you'll be home by one okay if you're fucking If you're not a fucking limp or, you know, fucking around on the phone. And then you have to be, you have to look people in the eye. You have to walk in and say, how you doing? My name is fucking Lee. I work for fucking Joy Bananas.

I'm selling me. And right away, they go, how much for an open sign? So an open sign was a deuce, $199. Leave one of those here. They give you a check for $199. As soon as I went back to the office, they'd give me $50. That's a fucking half gram a blow. Or I confront the half gram of blow.

and I got $50 for booze and a steak or something. That's how I used to think. As long as I picked up a 50 from the open sign, I was straight. Anything else I'd pick up and be fucking... By the time I get back to the office to see Danny and talk to him, he'd say, dog, three people called already. So I'm going out there right now to measure the windows and shit. So whatever Danny sold, you'd give me 20%.

So as soon as Danny, when I think I'll have a deposit, he paid me, he started paying me. So if he'd go out there and get $500, he'd give me whatever 20%. It's a hundred bucks. So I was always making blood. And let's say the people left the deposit and they weren't going to drop the sign off to the end of the month.

I always had money coming in. Right. So you're always wheeling and dealing, but you always get them. Some days you pick up an envelope, and some days you pick up an envelope in two weeks. You're always picking up an envelope, though.

You're always bringing two or three of those open signs. Some days I'd sell three fucking open signs. But that was one of my favorite comedy jobs. It's kind of fucked up working for commission Like I always stayed away from it when I was in... No, because here it is. You go into a fucking job. A job pays you $12 an hour.

You work 40 hours a week. That's $400, $400. After taxes, it's $3.20, $360, whatever fucking lies you tell him and get away with, right? Right. Which is today is tax day. God bless you. Get out there, pay your taxes. Anyway, let's pretend you could go somewhere, like DiAgostino, for example.

So I'm going to give you $360 for 40 hours. of your time and what you're thinking is you're locked down you can't make no other Guitors when you're there so all your worth basically is 360 a week right times four a month that's 1400 that's whatever it's something 20 right 1420 whatever the fuck it is I don't have a calculator here so now this is you working on the street you know like these people have me for 40 hours I'm gonna fucking office I'm carrying shit I'm cleaning the toilet or I can take a chance of sell something. Now I'll tell you what. I don't care how good of a salesman that you have.

You might start off strong and then clunk her out because you get too smart. But usually if you have a good head on your shoulder, you start off good, you have a few bad weeks, you put it together, and now you're making a living. And when I say you're making a living, but what you're trying to strive is to get the most out of that living. So let's say you're selling pens on the fucking phone. All right, whatever the pen costs, whatever value you fucking give it. So, boom, you call these people, you saw your pens. But the difference is instead of working 40 hours, you're picking up 300, but only working 20 hours.

Yeah. So now I've got another 20 hours that I'm free. Guess what? I go to a bar, work as a doorman, sling a couple grams of cocaine in there, get my dicks. You follow me, this is your mentality when you're 21. So the money you make at the bar, you spend, and the money you're making your fucking 20 hours a week,

you put away. That pays your bills, right? Right. 400 is a start when you're selling shit. Once you get good, three, four, five months, people start signing up and quitting and you start taking their accounts and shit. You're making $1,200. You're still working 20 hours a week, which is the goal if you didn't go to college, which is the goal if you came out of prison, whatever the fuck. That's the goal. I don't want to be stuck all day at a fucking job. That was my mentality when I was doing comedy. On top of that,

I needed a flexible schedule at night, you know, and I had these, fucking lucky-ass jobs anywhere I moved. So I went back to New York in 94. First thing I did was pick up a fucking gig as a limo driver, but I worked days and late nights. But I always had that window open so I'd go to a comedy set. And I'd make nothing late in those days, because if I made $60 on a shift,

I spent 30 of it in parking. In New York City to do a fucking comedy set, so I don't want people to think, oh, Joe, you, no, I was breaking even every night between the dry cleaning and the fucking shirt and you know, what do you think? I wear the same fucking shirt twice and your armpits smell like fucking

garlic chips and dry clean you're sitting on your ass all day after you'd sit on your ass with boxer shorts your ass gets stapled you need to dry clean those pants that's fucking that's $20 with the fucking shirt Right yeah

You gotta shine your shoes And you gotta look sharp That's good it's fuck though It's uh There's a lot of people when you start jobs Like what I did when I started When I started Especially when I left call

I felt like I was owed like a rate like a full-time like 60,000 or 70 thousand who doesn't who does it like everyone feels like that but then then they start the fucking reality you send some and I mean you get out of college you don't know how aggressive to be I know people get out of college and don't have a job for fucking years until right they break down and go work for the dad and whatever then they they get a little sick to their stomach in this job market which I don't even understand or know anything about I'm not gonna tell sit here and tell you but I know about the college job market with the

These kids got out of college in 2015. I haven't looked at the classified, which is one of my addictions for years, looking at classified ends. Really? Yeah, I love that shit. Looking at classified ads and seeing what's out there and just fucking fantasizing.

That was a warehouse worker for 14 bucks an hour and how I would live and how much pot I would smoke. You know, you got a smoke pot on a budget. You do. You know, you're getting three, four bills a week. How are you going to spend fucking... Right, yeah. No, but it's just, it's,

I feel like people do that. I had a couple jobs do the, they cancel the interviews on you and reschedule it and see if you and see if you stick with it. I just, it's, uh, I feel like jobs do it on purpose. That they put you, that's probably why a lot of comedy clubs have you start as a door guy

just to see who has like the heart to stick with it for a few months. Well, that's anything, you know. Then when I went to New York, I got a job selling insurance, which was fucking lucrative as fuck for a part. That kind of insurance. Okay, so I had a, this was wild because I was living in Fort Lee with Georgie,

and this is a little job I had towards the end. This was a great little gig I had from about five to about nine. And I could still shoot into the city from there. We had to do shitty sets on stage at 10, 30 to 11, 15, 12 o'clock. There were shitty sets. There was nobody there, but at least I got to talk shit on stage and bomb and whatever, you know. Right. That was the mindset I had.

And what I basically did was I went in there and there was an insurance sales and all I did was call you up Like a little before dinner after dinner people would hang up on me but it didn't matter the guy was paying me 15 or whatever and I would just ask people if they wanted to talk to an agent about insurance And they'd say yes or no boom yes okay that that was an appointment That was 25 fucking beans oh cool so for every appointment I got he paid me 25 beans if he sold the insurance he gave me 10% of the overall fucking policies or something. Wasn't too bad, but these are the jobs you've got to get. They pay your little extra commission because why are you putting a ceiling over yourself?

That's how I always looked at it. When I first got the Boulder in 1987, let's face it, I was 24 years old. I was not college educated. I didn't have a degree. I didn't have nothing close to a degree. 24, when you don't have a fucking degree, eh, you have no idea.

And there's even less open to you now. Yeah, no, no, no. You don't have a fucking college degree and you're living in a town now that's a college town. You know, bad you feel about your fucking self. So I moved to Boulder. This is at the end of me fucking making money selling Coke carrying guns. I got no money and I got a job at a body shop as a shagger for $800 a month flat. Oh.

I still had to work 64 hours of. week or something I had a sign that paper that's terrible that's a true that's true shit what does the shagger do just get tools you watch cars before uh let's say let's say

okay this is basically what I did I fucking got the clipboard in the morning and I saw what cars were going on that day so I would have to go to the body shop guys the painters at the end the guys that buffed the car at the end after they paint the car and I have to say what time is the car going to be ready

And they go, 2 o'clock, I go, no, no, no, no, I need to call by 11. Because people are coming at 2. Not really. People are really coming at 5, but I had a lot of fire into these people's assholes. Because then I had to get the car, wash it out, the mats, vacuum, through the windows. You're going to get a Q-tip. Because when they fucking painting, that's sanding, the fucking sanding goes everywhere. Oh, no.

So I would have to do that. Guys, I was getting, I don't know what the minimum wage, but you look at it, 800 divided by 4. So it was $200 a week, and I was working $7.30 to $6. That's $40 a day. With a half-hour fucking lunch. Oh, my God. And I would go in there, and whatever I wore would be drenched on the way home. Like, when I closed the next morning, would just smell like sweat and water.

So all I was basically doing was washing fucking cars, stocking chemicals for the detailers. I did that. I did that for about two or three fucking months. Then the detailer quit. And they worked on commission. So I moved into the detail department. I did that. And I got pretty good at that.

That was probably the first thing I ever got fucking good at that, 24. And I'm doing blow, and I'm still a fucking loser, but I'm getting good at buffing out cars and cleaning windows and taking apples from under people's fucking car that they kid left under that. That smells like fucking Satan. It is Satan. Those apples, I swear to God. They're just leaving an apple in the car?

Just in hindsight. And then I got a job what I would do on the weekends to hunt. was I started advertising. I would go into like Kmart and I would shoplift wax and I'd shoplift all that stuff and I'd fucking buff people's cars out at home. I'd hand wax their cars for a hundred bucks flat on the weekends. I'm not kidding you, dog.

And my world had never fucking ended for a couple of years. And here I was, I'd just come over and say, hey man, Joey, they say, you blew cars, yeah. And I knew people inside were laughing at me, but I didn't give a fuck. I was charged them 100 bucks. What did I care? I'm just trying to make fucking money and make ends meet, you know? How much did this help you now that you're a comedian and you're, like, responsible for your income again?

That was my work ethic at that age. I knew that I didn't want to sit in the fucking office. I had already bartended, you know, that was, that's the job they sell you. That's the job society sells you when you got a personality or you could talk or, you know, you're a good-looking guy, which I was neither. I could just talk and crack stupid fucking jokes of people. but that was my option I bartended for a while that was no fucking future

and that shit I do like bartending but I like bartending in the neighborhood bar it's hard work it's like eight hours nine hours in your feet I just didn't want to bartend for the Hilton

I didn't want a barton for the Sheridan and we're at the end of my shift I got to do fucking paperwork and they're watching you with 18 cameras don't get me wrong I still stole 200 of fucking night all right don't get me fucking wrong

with all their computers and all their fucking angles I was still banging them out And that's what got me worried that I knew eventually I'd get fucking caught. That was what I did at 21. I did that. So my options were fucking limited. So I was buffing out fucking cars.

Comedy was nowhere even on the horizon. But you have to. That's one thing I think always kept me alive that my work ethic was always money. I knew that I didn't have a lot going for me, but work ethic you cannot replace. And even people who had doubts of me would say, Hey, listen, I gotta tell you something. The guys out of car wash wiping down cars with $750 an hour plus tips.

So I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You're still looking for a fucking job. This motherfucker got a job. Like, I always had something every fucking day. Like, a day didn't go by that I wasn't doing something. I always had in the back of my mind that you had to get up in the morning and fucking hurt. That's it.

And then when I got to selling cars, that mentality really fit. Because every day was a new fucking day. But it was sort of like selling pens. Some days you talk to people and they come back the next day. Right. You follow me? So you always, that mentality always worked for me because I always had today.

Forget about Friday, Lee. Who knows what the fuck I'm going to do on Friday? I mean, wake up Friday. Is that where that comes from from selling? Because you always say that. Yeah, well, selling anything. Everybody always worries about next fucking week. And then they sit there on a couch or in their office

And they worry about what's going to happen in two fucking weeks. I would worry about what's going to happen in two weeks. I know in two weeks I'm fucking tempi. And then I have the week off. Yeah, I got an idea of the things I want to do. But nothing is in concrete. Right now, all I'm focused on is what I'm doing right now. That's why I don't like scheduling shit.

If I have to be focused at seven, I don't want to do a podcast from three to five because I'm going to be thinking about what I got to do at seven. And don't get me wrong, I did it for years. But for years, I failed. I should have slowed it down instead of being a fucking gavone and wanted to do everything. Excuse me.

No, I mean, it's but you don't think you think it's just your work ethic? You don't think being in an actual sales environment gave you like a leg up when you started being in a comment? The sales, at first it didn't. Listen, let's face it, I didn't know.

I always thought it was creepy when somebody would hand you a fly. Yeah. You know, I always thought it was creepy when people didn't need to have a CD would sell you a CD at the end of the show for five dollars. That always just told me something different, you know? Even in my cocaine days, I didn't want to sell you a CD because I didn't think it was that

good enough to charge you $10 for it. I paid $10 for a CD. It was Richard fucking Pryor. How can I charge you $10 for Joey D or CD? That was my mentality. I didn't know. I didn't know that this is, and still till this day, I just want you to come to the fucking show. That's it and have a good time.

I don't want you to think at the end I'm taking me. pictures of you because you bought a fucking CD or a T-shirt. I'd rather not bring them. I'd rather not get myself in that position again and not fucking bring them. The clubs toward Menti and say bring them. Minneapolis tells you to bring them. Cleveland. Well, there's a lot of money that you could be making.

It's still. I think it's just and I understand people want souvenirs for after a fucking show and blah, blah, blah. I just think that it's just over the top. So that's what I didn't like. I didn't want that aspect. I don't want you to come to a Joey Deer show, and there's six people that have three CDs,

two types of T-shirts, a hat. I just like keeping it a fucking simple. So there's no misunderstandings and whatever. Then Twitter and Facebook came along in MySpace, and everybody became crazy with the Dane Cookpin. So every comic went on Facebook, and that's when I started watching, and I'm watching all these people on Facebook

that were just trying to be Dane Cook all over. over again just because they were on Facebook giving away free tickets and I didn't see the logic behind that I thought you had to put personality in there that's where I see the salesmanship the salesmanship that I also had was you wake up early

you're always planning ahead for the morning you know what do you have today how can I get people to come into the fucking car dealership today those letters I sent that on Monday they got those on Wednesday so guess what I'm doing Thursday I'm calling all those people And right there, as I'm calling them, they're like, oh, my God, I'm looking at your letter right now.

Well, it's a price. Listen, I just want to let you know we still got that car here. I'll talk to the manager. Maybe get a couple hundred knocked off the monthly price. Give me a call. That's it. I got to go. I wouldn't torment them and ask them for an appointment.

I wouldn't sell an appointment. I didn't have that time. I just let them know I was available. And you know what? Seven out of ten people came back. Those little steps. Those little fucking steps, you know, that people miss completely. What are you looking at me?

They're going for with your red fucking cheeks. I'm just really fucking hiring. Me too. It's, uh, that's interesting. It's, because it's definitely something that is, was scary for me. Like, I worked in TV,

S movie theaters and, like the one I kind of did, like that was a server at a restaurant, but the thought of going to a car dealership and just, do you make any money if you don't sell any cars? They give you a base salary, but after, like I said, dry cleaning, suits and lunch and gas,

you're dead unless you live at your mother's house. Right. If somebody gives you, listen, You can make money and anything you fucking choose. My whole thing is a job is a fucking job. Especially in this country when you're not fucking college educated. Everybody tells you you can't get a job. In my world, a job is a fucking job, okay?

Anything you do. But I'm talking about after you get a job, and so once you start making choices, you're not going to go get a fucking job selling Porsche's your first job in L.A. Because you don't even have a fucking suit. Right. And I mean, you can't go get three of those fucking monkey suits

They sell on Hollywood Boulevard with the socks and the T-shirt. I want those. Three suits for 100 bucks. You'll fucking p. Under heat, you'll fucking light on five. To sell a Porsche, you've got to have a fucking $800 suit on. Or people are going to see it right through you. Who do you think comes into by Porsche? Fucking Puerto Ricans?

No. People who make fucking $800,000 a week in the industry in Beverly Hills. So you're not going to walk in there with a $10 shirt from Ross. Your shirt better be a $300 fucking shirt. And your handcuffs better be fucking gold. and your fucking shoes better be shining they're better be three hundred dollars because money knows money You follow me you're not gonna sell fucking portions with a t-shirt this is fuck the Jews and jeans on with a hole in them and flip-plops I don't care how much technology you know about the thing the guy's not gonna hand you a check for 80 fucking thousand numbers

You gotta look the fucking part okay, so your first job I'm not telling you they go to report deported yeah in time But your first job you may have to go to fucking rouse and bag groceries and when you're bagging groceries all of a sudden there's an opening at night in the warehouse department loading trucks and it pays 10 more dollars than what you're making right now you jump on that for a fucking year next thing you know you're 25 now you got shoes you got a fucking two suits not those things three suits for 20 dollars from fucking hollywood with the polyester shirt don't get me wrong i got like two of those suits at the house i know they're like it's two ninety nine for three suits yeah because listen you go to auditions you get in and out of fucking things people are shooting at you

i rather might as well rip one of those suits and all the other fucking things i got so i got like all portable suits you know back Baptisms courts They all portable ones. They have a little blood on them whatever From shaving whatever the fuck they got on them They're all portable suits I got like two and all this look at all this look like I don't get me wrong You still got your courtsuit ready to go I got no fucking courtsuit I'm talking about you know you have suits you wear to like shitty

Premiers and people invite you the stuff and you got to wear just something you don't want to look like a fucking schlouch So you got to get those suits I'm a big guy I'm always running into nails and Ripping my fucking Pants and fall in them straight to my name. Yeah, I'm one of those fucking momos. You know, I'm stoned. I'm walking around, looking at the clouds. And next thing you know, I'll fuck, I'll all of a sudden

my fucking $200 jeans are fucking ripped. Fuck it. That's why I go to fucking Target. They got tremendous jeans. I like their shirts. Target? Yeah. Oh, fuck, yeah. You can't get the shirts and put them in the dry. Next thing you know, a two-month-old is stealing your fucking t-shirt.

They shrink quickly those Target things. Oh, really? But the jeans, the fucking wranglers, they're not bad. I ain't got time. Listen, I dress like a fucking electrician for a reason. I ain't, I ain't not sending those faith fucking vibes.

Those wrangler jeans are tremendous. Those are those communist jeans. You can light those things on fire. Those things ain't going nowhere, Jack. Those things are thick. I've had, like, those ones with the holes. My wife is always ripping them up on me. I got 20 pair on those with holes.

I won't get rid of them. They don't even feel like jeans. It just feels like my balls are in the air. That's good? Yeah. Comfort is number one. Why are you going to have pants on that aren't? You know, with chubby dudes, it's tough to be comfortable anyway when you're a fat fuck.

You ever see fat fucks that just tap out? Fat man alert, fat man alert. Fat fucks just tap out and get sweatpants. That's sad. That's the point I was out when I was 400 pounds. Really? Yeah. I just wore sweatpants, black sweatpants or blue ones that said Big Daddy, huh?

I like Jim shorts when I was that big. Big Daddy sent me 20 pairs of sweats and I had them in rotation. And I would wear them for like a day when I was 400 pounds and I'd take him off. I'd smell the ass part. And they would be thick with that butter coating that comes out of your ass. You could see through the sweat. You could see through the sweat pant in the sun. But when it got the ass, you couldn't see.

It was like blinding from that ass cheese that develops around the seams. And you sweat, oh, disgusting. So you just never wear underwear unless you're wearing me. No, I'd wear underwear, but I was so fat. I was doing so much blow. It was going through the underwear? All my underwears were yellow from the chemicals in my body. What are you kidding me?

My armpits and my white teeth. They were just like a black cloud. You were just leaking from the butthole? I was leaking from everywhere. My earlobes, my eyeball. I had black tears. Like fucking, whatever. In Apocalypse now, one of those slave movies.

He had black tears. I don't fucking know. The movie is a black tear? Yeah, I don't fucking know. What are you tormenting me for? Oh, my God. We're going to eat a piece of star of respect for fucking the members of the Holocaust.

I don't think I have a choice of it. Listen, I got like, I don't know, 5, 600. We might as well go for debt. That's his call St. Joe's Hospital. Say, look, send an ambulance. Just have them outside on hold. This is like the Doug Benson show.

They got a fucking doctor on board. Well, yeah, but we don't have that here yet. So we don't need one. Did he do? No, I can't have. I had like 150, dude. You don't have no 150. You got like 180.

You gave me like three quarters of a decade dose. I'm going to give you this right here, right here. Oh, come on. What do you mean? Come on? What are you going to go? Where are you going to do, where you got to do you? I got to drive home and not kill people.

Oh, that's right. You got Paula. No, I don't. How about this? nothing's going to happen to you. Look at this little piece. I have the respect for the Holocaust, right? You called your mother.

I told you it was a... Last night... Remember what the Holocaust exists. It didn't know what happened. Last night, I got a call. About 5 o'clock. Eat the fucking thing. Don't put it in your hand.

Let me see your left hand. Let me see your left hand, cock's sucker. You're like a Jew magician without the black hat. I got a call last night. I got a 5 o'clock. My friend of mine, that's a connoisseur, a good reframer. shit. He's a Gentile, but solid, solid. I love him with all my heart. I fucking love him. I've known him for

15 years. He used to be a riot. He sold a few shows. He took his Getus. He called me up. And he said to go to his weed store. That the Jew had a fucking eye patch. That this guy makes his own hands. Tremendous. I went over there. I got the address. I got a new license. I re-upped it. So I went over there. And, uh, Sure enough, there was a Hindu up front just to throw you off. The scent of the one I do? That's how strong the one I Jew was.

So I gave my paperwork, boom. The Hindu was tremendous. I can't say what his name. I gave him a hug. Thank you. He gave me a coupon for the first time for coming there. I went to the back. Japanese came out.

A little Japanese chick came out. Cuted and fuck. Look like that porno Japanese chick that just did something with her half-tit fell out. She came out. She started selling me weed And I go, let me talk to you about something Somebody told me about a specific thing that you have here And she looked at me and I go

The one eye Jew and she goes, oh hold on And she went around the thing And she had a little cabinet And it's called for higher The higher tolerance cabinet Okay You're gonna live in that cabinet Listen to me dog

She had These little jugs And there was these little buds Dipped on like death juice It's what the ISIS is smoking Before they chop your fucking head off And she gave them to me there were 30 a fucking G-bo and I bought two of them.

And I grabbed a regular fucking death weed and she gave me an edible and a free joint. I got the joint at the fucking house. Oh my God. I got so high last night. I went out to the comedy store. It was tremendous. And some kid came out to me and asked me for a head shop, but there was another dude there. And I told him after the show, I didn't see him after the show.

I feel bad. The comedy store was great last night. So I went down there and I fucking got high with this weed and I smoked something out this morning before I went to the Jitza. It was great, though. You know how you call your dick the Cuban egg roll? Yes, sir. You should call it the one-eyed Jew from a... No, leave them alone.

Why would I call my dick a fucking Jew? What is wrong with you? I have more respect to fucking Jews. Some people are the one-eyed Jew. Plus, the one-I-Jew is a street name. I can't be using a street name to call my dick. That's disrespectful, Lee. He did have one.

I had an eye patch. You know how he lost the eye? How? Smoking fucking hash. How did that make him lose an eye? Him popped out. That's when you know you're smoking. the solidness

in the stamina no not really I don't know why you don't understand these things we try to teach you every day we chit-chat we have little long talks what do you got playing this weekend talk to me I heard Paul is taking

a little vacation so you're not around what no she's studying for law school and then so you can't see and no fucking quichie frito this week no she's coming over tomorrow night Friday night what are you going to do I don't have plans yet I don't know what I'm going to do I

just work I guess work on stuff? I was thinking, oh, actually, thank you for reminding me. I know Friday night, Paula's going to still be there, but Saturday night, follow me on Twitter, at least I, we got new mics, and I want to do test of them. So I'm going to come in Saturday night and do

like a little test cast, so watch that. What we're doing is we're switching this over to the road cool pretty soon. Like Monday or Tuesday. Explain that to them Lee, just so they fucking know so there's no misunderstanding. You know, people still think we quit. Right. I still got three messages to them. Dog, why did you quit? You and Lee?

We had money problems. What the fuck is wrong with you? You got to go on iTunes. So what? You got to stop watching. And then it's on my YouTube. Because your YouTube tape got taking down for a little bit. So we're working through that.

But the whole point of this is to get rid of everything. Iron Dragon TV, David Foley, has a company called Nanoflix. It has a, that's it. Iron Dragon TV is under that umbrella. And he has a whole bunch of video streaming. He does concerts. He has a thousand videos. So with the podcast on YouTube, a lot of people watch this on TV.

Like when I would watch Rogan, I would watch it on my laptop. But there's a lot of people out there now who don't have cable and have computers hooked up to their TVs like I do now to watch everything. So they watch a lot of stuff on their TVs. And we got these new HD cameras and we came up with these. idea of putting it, getting it on a Roku channel. So now it's just going to be a Joey D.S. Churchill, what's happening now, channel. But don't worry if you're out there and don't have a Roku. Well, you should get one and we're going to have a channel eventually. But probably starting next week, we're going to have a page on Joey Dias.net. It's going to be joeydias.net slash live,

we think. And you can always go and watch it there. The good thing is there's not going to be any commercials anymore, which trust me, I know watching you stream with commercials kind of gets a little bit annoying. And then the biggest issue we had is people get mad at me for not putting these up on YouTube. They get taken down pretty regularly because even if I

cut out the beginning songs, we have stuff in the middle. There's people who do like a bad content or whatever. They have a content clause. So YouTube takes us down a lot. The great thing about this new Iron Dragon TV thing or Joey Diaz's

Roku channel is that they don't have any limitations. They have the insurance so we're going to get to play full music now. And the main thing is what I wanted to do

when we talked about it was Red Band said something the other day on the podcast that was too hard to bring up. He said how you used to need TV, do you even need TV anymore? And you don't, you do, but you don't. You don't need a network TV show.

This is going to make this a TV show. So it's pretty cool. And we can play more music. We could talk more about music. A lot of people, you know, I answer a lot of emails every week. And I always get emails about Joey. You got to talk more about music. Just do a music podcast in the mornings.

Just do a morning show. Lee and I discussed doing something from six to eight, three days a week in the morning's music and history, explosions. You know, one thing we can't do in here is smoke fucking weed. I can't go fucking bananas in this place. You know what happened at the last time the fucking black lady knocked on the door? She dialed 911, the black preach up that we,

I can't have that. It's all true. And I can't disrespect these people to bring a fucking joint here. But how much better with this podcast be if Lee and I could just be ourselves? We could get like 10 different bongs and do the whole thing.

We've got the TV screen. We've got music videos. We've got guests. We could do the podcast without guests. We're trying to get it hooked up so people could call in. So we're coming at you from all. motherfucking different directions. You understand me?

What are you looking at that? I'm not looking. What are you doing? How are you feeling, all right? Oh, my gosh. So I really don't understand a lot of this technology. But I'm going to stay on top of it on Twitter to let you guys know how we're going to make the switch over,

where to go, and it's no big deal. It's like now at that.com slash Joe. No, it's going to be on your website. So joeydeers.com. And boom, there you have. And it's going to have the backward catalog. So it's going to be, we're not going to be on YouTube. many more because they give us too much shit.

So you're all for all church videos from now on. Well, and pretty soon when we get it up, it's going to be Joey Diaz.net slash live or if that changes, we'll let you know. See, I'm always fucking thinking about you, motherfuckers, you understand me? Let me give me some shoutouts real quick here.

Keep this party rolling. Shout out to how high I am. Robert Buono. Hi, Robert. Motherfucking Brett for hire. Adriel Restrepo. Cop Watcher, 405. or Jan, Andrew Craig,

Erel Hoffman, Philly, Cleo, my girl, L.J. Uki, Spooky, and Tracy and shit. A little fucking, whatever you call it, girls. Churchill, what's happening now, girls? I love you, little dirty frets and shit. Cleo, we're doing a 100th episode of a podcast pretty much soon coming up here and all as well.

I got to talk to you people. Anyway, it's tax day. Like I was telling you, I've been talking about a few people later I have tax problems. I'm a little scared to go down there. Guys, I went off the radar in 1991. I didn't walk back in that motherfucking place to 2002. 11 years.

I didn't pay my taxes. Why they let me walk around. But they also knew I didn't make anything. They also knew. The government knows if you're making money. They get those fucking receipts. So unless I was selling drugs, they also knew I was poor.

I think in 1996 guys, in all honesty to you guys, I think I made $9,000 of doing comedy. Like, why would you file? You know what I'm saying? Right. I was sleeping in an office or in my car. I made $9,000 doing fucking comedy in 1996. 1997 was no better, maybe $12,000.

98 was when I got the Taco Bell commercial, I got the pilot from CBS. So there was little fucking jingle bells in my pocket. But then I had to pay back when I had fucking O. all that time from borrowing and a 200 here and 300 there so you know it adds up

no I mean I went down there because I wanted to get a payment plan set up but the dude said that people had been waiting in line since 3 a.m. Well it's fucking tax week you don't want to go down there right now they're going to throw you in jail right now you make the appointment for like May 8th but I did it online I signed up for the payment plan and then you can also pay I put a little bit on a credit card so I get some points back but

you know works of death. We'll see how it works. You always maneuvering, sure. You know, people think they're going to throw you in jail. They just want to cut a deal with you. They really do. They just want to talk to you and say, listen, man, what did you make? You're living your receipts, okay, where you didn't send

it in. You don't even give a fuck. They don't even ask you why. They don't sit there and go, what are you thinking? What are you a fucking moron? No. Listen, people fuck up. People have divorces. People have nervous breakdowns. People eat 3G, but choose by mistake. Just black the fuck out and stop walking.

around like one of those movies. You're blackout for the movie. They understand. And trust me, I'm the last guy to fucking tell you about this shit. I am the last guy to tell you to walk in there. But, bro, they will catch you later on in life. And when they get you and they start cleaning out your fucking bank accounts and you start getting calls at your work,

you don't know what embarrassing is to the creditor calls your fucking job. And the flappy, the receptionist that doesn't keep them out of you, she's the one that gets the call. so now all your co-workers know that you fucking owe a credit card and that's not bad enough then about three or four of them start fucking called the best is when you start getting fucking child support fucking restraining orders like getting cash out of your check so if you get a check for 300 a week they take the first 160 out can you imagine me and then they take the taxes out

so you take home like 62 fucking dollars that's it's amazing it's It's amazing how people survive. This economy. And any fucking economy. You know what? 20 years ago, when I was in the fucking work chain, what do you think they were giving out 20s and shit on every corner? No, it's always been a fucking struggle.

I don't remember the time, unless you were selling drugs or robbing people. Yeah, the economy's always good. There's always drug dealers. There's always a bank with some fucking moron thinking he could rob it, you know? What are you doing? They're not even on the corner giving out the small 20? The small 20? some small fire or something?

You know, listen, it's, if you're going to be a criminal in this market with these fucking cameras, they're going to catch you somewhere, doing something. Let's say, I don't know. I don't know where to meet you. I don't want to meet you to sell you something.

And I just meet you at CVS. When you pull out of there, you get pulled over with fucking blow on you. They're going to say, where are you coming from? I met my friend at CVS. What are you doing the first thing I'm going to do is they're going to take those cameras from that fucking parking on.

Or you have to a sort of, assumed they are. Right, yeah. You have to go out and they're digging like they assume. If they don't, they didn't do the police work. They want to get out of that fucking 8 in the morning. You know, and they want to see who sold the

drugs. Right. You know, it's always fucking something. So, see, you're living, you fucking learn something. I learned something this week, man. So I woke up Tuesday night in the middle of the night at about two in the morning. Just woke up. I got up, I peed, I watched,

my hands. I went back and I said, I'm not going to sleep. I went outside, I got a cup of coffee. Nothing was bothered me. You ever wake up and nothing's really bothering you? Yeah. And I started playing with the cat. I put the news on. It's not really news. It's like, Good Morning America, some black dune, some little white chick and some noxious. And then they're talking about stupid fucking news that nobody cares about. And in the middle of all this, I thought about how my daughter still hasn't called me back.

How long is it then? Whatever, six, seven weeks. Whenever when we had Terry in here, you know, it was that week when I called her and the wife called, the ex-wife called me back and said, so I'm sitting there, you know what, I'm back to square run with these people, you know. In my mind, I'm thinking the worst, which I always do with, I'm involved with this woman, because I know her. I was married to her, and I saw what happened after.

for the fucking divorce, you know. So sure enough, you know, I just wanted to see if I was overstepping my boundaries. So I called my attorney, you know. He called me back like two hours later and we talked, you know, so it cost me fucking $2 for 10 minutes. And I asked him, what am I violating a law or whatever? He goes, can I call you back?

I call my friend in Colorado and find out. He goes, do you all child support now? Do you have restraining? You know, do you have any problems in Colorado? None at all. Nothing. I did my time. I did my probation.

I paid my fines. I did it all. I paid the child's up. I did it all. And so you called me back and he goes, you know, what are your intentions? I go between you and I, listen, man. The girl's 25. I'm not looking to change your life.

I'm not looking to tell her what to do for a living or what not to do. I think I'm going to keep it real simple. I'm going to tell her I love her. I'm going to apologize. And I'm going to tell her I fucked up. and that's it and that she always has an option that she has my phone number now and if there's anything she needs anything she can call any time in the world that's it i'm going to move on with my life and i make peace with this situation i'm not here to take her away

from her family it's too late for that we all know what time of this we're all fucking adults you know and uh so he goes just call the wife and tell him that you know when i call and i said listen i left a message saying that hey when i call him It was a courtesy. You know, I could have reached out, called, I got it a person. You know, it's a courtesy. Just let you know how my art is and my intentions. I'm not involved.

You know, I got a thousand things going on. I don't have time to push this fucking repair. All I want to do is to let you know that this is what's available. This is what's crack-a-lack and I love you. I fucked up a couple years ago. I made a, I took a chance. You know, I took a chance. And I lost.

I lost as a father. is all I fucking want, you know. I left the message in about two hours later, she called me back. And just because I know me, I didn't answer the phone, but she left a message and she said that my daughter had been going through a lot. To be honest, I didn't see the call coming in. I got it later, and it was too late. I said, should I call her back?

And I said, let me see what she said. She was very sweet. I told her, I called my attorney. She goes, well, whatever you want to do to pursue it. She wasn't mad at all. I just want to let her know that it wasn't. like I was on a sewer or something. I just wanted to call my attorney to see if there was something I was doing wrong.

You know what I mean? And you're fine? Well, then in the afternoon, I started writing a little bit. Okay. In the afternoon, I had some time to write. And I wrote some jokes, and I felt a little better, but there was still something bothered me the rest of the day. And then about 8 o'clock, I wrote about the situation.

And I wrote it out what it meant, what I wanted from it. Why did I want to reach out? Part of it is for the show, for me, for you, for the... You know, you can't talk about shit and then not do it. You know, you got to get in front of it. And this is shit I should have done when I was 30 and 20. If you don't get in front of shit, when you're 30 and 20, you got to get in front of when you're 50.

Here I am, 52 a fucking loser, getting in front of a relationship with it. So, and it could be any relationship. Your parents, a brother, a sister, your father, you know? You got to get in front of this shit before it gets out of control. You know, this one, it matters to me just because of who I am. Mercy, you know, I don't want mercy to think, you know, this is it. You gotta know, you got a family out there.

If you ever go to Colorado, I want to buy some weed. You got a sister who's a smuggler, whatever the fuck it is, you know. So, this is what I got to deal with yesterday. But as the day went on, I felt a little better. And then I went to the comedy store. There was 38 people in the audience. I had a mediocre set, but I felt like I had jumped in fucking John Baport. this is pond when I came out it was like jumping in a fucking jacuzzi and getting a back

rub so sometimes I get stressed out and it's because I haven't been on stage you believe that really sure that's how I fucking uh you know that's our fucking work that's it that's it after a while your body turns it into that your body and your mind turned it into that you got to get on stage you got to talk about what's bothering you when was the last time you want on stage Saturday night yeah so Sunday Monday yeah that's it you're a professional comedian. When you're a plumber, what do you think? You're on staying when you fix one sink a week and go home and wait

and see your fucking pigeon? No, you fucking work every goddamn damn. Yeah, but I don't think a plumber would be like I have the urge to fix the sink. A pro would. Somebody who's a real plumber and just was sitting there and after three days, he goes knocking on people's doors, say, hey, what can I do for you? You know what I'm saying? In a sink? You never know. Your sink costs 80.

I'll do it for the small 20, 450, 4-5s. and that's how you do it that's how you make a living this country has forgotten how to make a living everybody wants to send a resume on line everybody wants to do everything

I'm fucking line you know what that's what everybody's doing why be like everybody show up down there tell them who the fuck you're dealing with you know

throw the ace right out of here bitch bam that's how I roll motherfuckers what I'm very excited what I'm going to Houston Texas

I'm seeing my friends I'm going down there Friday morning I'm going to see my friends Pete. I'm going to see my friends Jackie Sega. Gentry. You know, way before I met you, I used to sell out in Houston.

Do you know that? In 2005 and 6. On Saturday nights, the late show, I would sell out Houston. Was it the first place you sold out? Yes, ever. Because I had been there, going there for everything. I used to go two weeks on a shot during the holidays.

Before the longest show, He was giving me work Before the longest yard Pete was headlonged me So me Pete and his wife We got along I like going down They used to get good cocaine down there at the time Down there and uh

Whatever fuck it is West Gray That was the street where that comedy club was at And down the corner I ran up real close to Anthony Chang's Dumplin Palace And then we used to go to Papacitos And my friend used to Take me to this fucking

place chewis and we used to get the swirl margaritas from 98 to 2003. No, from 98 to 2007, I pretty much lived in Houston, Texas. There was one summer I lived in Houston, Texas because I just worked Texas. from Amarillo to El Paso to Dallas, Houston, Conroe, Pasadena. I worked all that fucking area where fucking what's the name is from

the chick we were listening to Summertime the other day in the car, remember Janice Joplin, Bobo, Texas. I worked all that region. Oh, I remember being in Conroe. So you went to Texas on purpose or you just ended up working there. No, I knew so many people there in Houston that everybody invited me in their home so it wouldn't cost me in a new hotel.

It was the only place that had great fucking food, calacches. I had two or three Mexicans that brought the best cocaine. I had a bar at Howard that was tons of cocaine. I mean, every night, everybody parted in Houston. We all went out to dinner every night. So I had family in Houston. Houston became my fucking second home. I had moments of moving to Houston.

I talked to radio people. I had a couple opportunities in Houston. You know, at that time, you could buy a house for cheap in Houston. You could steal it. My friend worked for Pepsi. Houston has a lot of opportunities, man. Roger Clemens is walking around. What do you do?

You see Roger Clemens walking around the Netherlands there, the Sugarland, whatever the fucking... That'd be cool. Yeah, you know, it's just a hot, hopping little fucking town, you know? Some people say it's flat. I just like the vibe. They have a great gay area called Montrose. and there's a bar there where you used to hang out there. Oh my God, fuck yeah.

They got a Puerto Rican restaurant. They got a Chinese restaurant, anti-chans, dumping palace. I said it before. I mean, just a great little fucking town, man. And I used to, oh, my God, I used to get fucked up and wake up and go get calacchi's. Those pieces of bread with the hot dog and little sausage in the middle. Googly-moogly-moogly Lisa. You had to go.

Are you fucking nuts or what? Like doctors. Did he spend a lot of time in Montrose? I never would have thought you'd still like My friend. I had a friend who lived in Montrose And there's a restaurant called Barnabes In Montrose

And it's a gay type restaurant But they had the best fucking meatloaf And the best mashed potatoes And every time I eat there I think about how they whacked off On the mashed potatoes and the meatloaf But who gave a fuck Ain't nobody ever going to know

It was that good It sounded like I wanted to them Blue the Cook I just say this meatloaf Maybe he got horny because it was tremendous. It tasted so good. Who knew what they were doing

for the meatloaf and the fucking mashed potatoes? You follow me? So you never know. You have to have imagination. That a Puerto Rican restaurant. I really liked this place. The people were solid.

I got to know a lot of good people that I got to go to a lot of Houston Astro games. I got to go to a lot of Houston rocket games. I got to see the longest yard with the Houston. Spoilers? No. The team that they are now, the Texans.

Texans. Yeah, I got to see the longest yard. with the Houston, Texas at a movie theater on a Friday? Yeah, man. I had some good times in Houston. Houston means the world to me, man. The whole state of Texas,

I wouldn't be a fucking solid comic if it wasn't for the work I had in Texas. El Paso used to hook me up. There was a cut, wherever Bobby Knight used to coach. But I sat in the beginning, whatever, Texas Tech, wherever that is. Right, yeah.

Belmont, not Beaumont, whatever the fuck that is. I used to be a club called Froggy Bottoms and the chick, the owner, because it was Froggy Bottoms for years, then some Mexican family bought it and put a pizza parlor in the back. Oh my God, you scared the hell out of me. Jesus Christ.

What's happening, Tarzan? Come in, give me a hug. This is my buddy right here. Here's my main man right here. Dominic. He's going to be the future host running things for the church of what's happening now. What's going on? You talking about Lubbock?

Lubbock, Texas. That's a good place. What's up, my brother? Hey, buddy. Thank you. How was family time? Did you jump up and down 80 times? Like a Puerto Rican. Tell me the truth. Did you? Yeah. Where's your sister at? Okay. There's my main man, Dominic. He's been, I know him since the womb. I know him since he was in the sack, right or wrong. Do I know you since you were in the sack?

Yeah. See, that's how we do it here. Don't say nothing to your mom, because if not we'll go to jail and stuff. Is Uncle Joey funny? Do you think he's funny? This is my main man, dog This is my first nephew official This is my first investment This is Notre Dame right here That's how I look at He's only like two and a half

How old is it? Like three and a half or something Look at him That's Notre Dame bound right there What flavor did you get? Thank you very much I got cherry Oh my God

Thank you very much Top candy, birthday cake, pineapple Somebody had a little bit of pineapple already Something else in there What is this? Lemon and what's this? No no, that's a birthday cake one That's a birthday cake?

Oh my God I thought about food was making me hungry. Oh, my God. Thank you very much. This is the place next to Jersey mics, right? Right. That they gave you free food. Thank you, brother.

Good to see you, Dominic. Thank you, Damon. Oh, my goodness. Look at this shit. No one's ever had. This is like the greatest high moment of my life. Listen, I... I almost had a fucking heart attack.

When I looked, I couldn't figure out that's how high it was. I can't lie to you. I got out of Dominant. How long were they standing there? I didn't even realize they were there. That door open. I thought it was the fucking cops.

I thought they were going to jump on the fucking Easter basket. How many people do that shit? What flavor you got over there? Look at you. You're eating like a soldier. Cherry, it's delicious. Do you want some? No, I'm straight.

I don't even know what this is. I've always seen it there. I've never gone in there. Oh, Italian Ice is so good. So what is this? Italian Ice? This is Steve Simone type shit from Philly, right? It's Rita's.

They're going to hate this part of the podcast. See, there's people. We ain't fucking around no more. We got people delivering shit. If you want to deliver something, tweet me. Sometimes I can come up. You want to bring some fucking bazookas. Oh, you're going to have some requests now.

You're going to bring some bitches in this motherfucker and this motherfucker to lick these asshole right here on camera. Wait through we get to the Roku station. We'll turn that fucking Roku to a little Jew porn in the afternoons. She'll lick your muffling. That's the name of the show, Jew porn in the afternoons, with the one I Jew. Who wants to watch fucking Ellen when you can watch you doing your thing? Yeah. I see that.

Let's get it going. Let's get some people coming in here. Cooking some good Mexican food. Let's get some fucking Chinese people that owe money for their fucking life. You know, no, nobody. I know like three or four Chinese. That owe like 10,000 to be walking around. Every week they got to pay a Vig.

Do you? If not, they stabbed the sister in China or whatever they're from. Do you know that? No, I don't think that's a real thing. Come on. It's called human traffic. What do you think they're here? Oh, well, yeah.

Oh, okay. I thought you meant something else. You know who had a big case of human trafficking in Houston, Texas? Oh, right. Isn't it on the border or close to it? Well, it's close to Galveston. But they had a problem with it years ago. I think Annie did a whole thing on all the Asian places.

They're all fucking human trafficking cases. Can you imagine that getting taken against your will? They put a knife to your mom's head. You got to suck like 2,000 dicks to make $5 a d'10. and then get your family back. I mean, can you fucking... Because they take... Then they can't you.

They're like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. A blow job is 50 bucks, but you only get 20, and you give us 15 of that. Right. Can you imagine? Can you fucking imagine? Yeah, it's terrible. They're doing it right now with ISIS.

That's what they said. I read a thing on CNN yesterday. What's ISIS doing? They're taking women. Anyone who's still a virgin, they take, and they sell them as, like, slaves. Come on.

Yeah, it's fucked up. That's fucking horrible. Do you see them going with, like, the chainsaws to, like, the old relics and stuff? It's just, like, I don't know what part of the religion tells them to do that. It's just terrible. It's not even my country, but, you know, those things were there for thousands of years. And then they're just, like, destroying it. The CIA created them, right?

I don't know. What the fuck created them? Now let them deal with their own fucking dilemmas. Okay. So that's it, my... What the fuck here? Oh, my God, that gave me a brain freeze. I'm not used to that.

I'm coming home the other day. I see the ice cream man, the Mexican ice cream man, not my blogger. I go, my wife. My daughter's going to be up there yelling. Ice keem. Ice keem, because she hears the bell. We got fucking whatever, and they're hitting that bell.

So I got it. I said, what the hell? I call Terry and Terry. Come down with the baby. I'm going to give you some, Some ice cream for her. You and the baby. One thing leads to another.

I give him the Sunday they're eating it. My wife, Fidel won't stop. Miao. Fidel fucking don't stop. He can smell ice cream a mile away that fucking cat. He likes ice cream? Oh, he loves it, Fidel. As skinny as he is now, he's meo, man, man.

Fidel's freaky when you're high. Because he just stares at you. Yeah, he goes, meow, meow, meow, he breaks you down. He breaks a motherfucker down, Fidel, right? That's a real swami from salami. That motherfucker has almond eyes. They're gorgeous. And he's big.

And he just gets on you a weird way. And he's very lovable. He's very warm. He'll climb on you and let you pet him. He's nice when he gets to you. But one of the first times you got me high. Oh, my God. He went to go to go to shower.

And he chased me around your old coffee deal. Oh, yeah. He don't play around Fidel. He wants to get to the heart of the matter and check you out quick. I'm very fortunate with Fidel. He shakes people down quickly. So he'll even do something that's very cute that nobody does. He'll come up.

He'll sit there. He'll look at you and break you down. And then he'll rub his head against your chin to let you know you're all right. He's a very good cat, man. God bless me with some good fucking animals, man. Give him some cool cats. Yeah, they are very, very. And I don't like cats usually.

Me neither. But no, it's giving me love for other animals, loving these. I get to know them. I can see how much did me miss my wife. Oh, my God. Oh my fucking God. Really? I didn't see it then.

Like, I'm tight with Dimmie. But something was missing. First night my wife came back. First fucking night she put her feet up and put a blanket on top of her feet and she was watching some show on Roku. Jimmy jumped up on her legs. I started hugging her legs and just slept there.

My wife is like, I'm going to sleep out of here with the boys. She had four boys on top of her that night. Like, just fucking sleep on it. They missed the hell out. of her. They didn't know how to act without it. They really are lost without their fucking mom. It's amazing.

Harry, Demi, Fidel. I've noticed that Dimmy usually hangs out around your wife. Oh, he loves my fucking wife. My wife saved him. You know, his mom threw him off the roof and he was bleeding, so she left him there. She walked away from him. So my wife picked him up. I didn't know that.

That's fucked out. Yeah. She had that motherfucker since day one. Is it scary getting straight cats? Like, don't you think they have a chance? big. Okay. They were all this big.

They were all six weeks. Oh. There were little cats, but the father would eat them. You would kill him. What? The samurai, their father would fucking kill him. This is why I had to get them out of there. People would tell me, I'm going to take that cat.

And then I call him up or knock on their door, and they go, oh, we can't. We're going to move. And when we're moving, they don't take animals. That's fucked up. So these cats were always on the countdown. We were always dropping cats off at cannibals. A lady was coming and taking them. them we would capture them he was he had three women at a time he had them all impregnated when

dimmy and harry were born he had them all impregnated i mean he had three different females that he had impregnant like he would and there were all his daughters somewhere along the bloodline oh no yeah yeah he was crazy he would kill the male kittens and the female kittens so uh she would stop breastfeed so she can get back to fuck he was just as natural as can be he wouldn't eat the canned food that my wife would give him he wouldn't eat to dry food he refused he was just gone he was already in his own world he was filled with testosterone you know i was lucky i got a lot of cats out of him i don't know what happened to him god bless him wherever the fuck he is he was tough as nails i ended up with half his fucking offspring and i'm happy i got him man that's it that's it

Cocksucker, what else you want to talk about? I don't know what else to talk to you about. I can't believe Damon showed up my main man with some Italian ice and this motherfucker. If you work for readers, you should send us some more Italian ice, because this is amazing. This is delicious. I don't even know flavor. There's, I don't know many calories, but... It's not bad.

Italian ice isn't... It's like the shaved ice you eat. Really? Probably a little bit more shorter than the shaved ice, but... Well, listen, you, savages. I love you, Coxuckers, as usual. Thank you very much for listening. Thank you for another great week.

I'm going to be in Houston this week. And Tempe, Arizona next week. I want to get my shout out. I'm really sorry, but I don't know. I don't even know how I feel about the Aaron and then. This thing, we talked about it. What are you going to do? The New England Patriots are fucking walking down with newspapers covering their faces and shit.

What are you going to do? Anyway, have a great week. At least I have to take it away. You're going to do the ads, buddy. Do I have to do ads? Oh, shit. Yeah, I'll never forget any three Cheebo Tuesday. I'm going to shut.

Today, I wanted to take a chance. and I wanted to do something different. I said, fuck it. I want to upgrade my workouts since I couldn't get to the YMCA. So I went to Jitsu at 930 at BJJ Breakdown in North Hollywood and I took some on it

Shroom Tech. And I went there and usually the gym just opened so it's me in the morning. So it's me and John. He teaches me a technique. We go back and forth. And then at the end,

you know, he has to teach three classes. I'm a big guy. I just say, John, beat me up. a little bit, get me in weird positions. I do, man. Does it beat me up a little bit? Yeah, that's the number of you're going to get better at Jiu-Jitza. It's only going to get better than anything.

You don't get better than anything by letting me take you, you know, just beat me up, choke me. Let me defend against chokes and shit like that. Let me learn how to breathe without getting claustophobia, you know. So I took the shroom tech. Oh, my God. I went into my original breaking into a sweat, doubting.

I'm going to have a heart attack. And then after that was gone, I must have rolled with him two or three more fucking times. We even did an extra one. Then we went over another technique. Then I left and I went to the park and instead of taking the 2.35 pounds out, I took a 35 and a 45 pound kettlebell. And did five sets of swing with the 45 and then six sets of swings with the 45.

Then I did a couple cleaning jerks. I've never done this before in my life. I usually do it to do 10 sets of kettlebells. But what I'm trying to tell you is I went all out. Then I got the 8 pound ball and did five sets of 20 fucking sit-ups at the 8-pound fucking ball. I've never done that before in my life. I don't know what the fuck happened But what I'm telling you is

Onit.com, motherfuckers ShroomTech works, okay? So I'm back on the Shroom Tech For the next 30 fucking days I am fucking hype now Go to Onit.com See what other great minute? They sent me a box of some good fucking yum yo

So I'm gonna be telling you about stuff Every day next week The next couple weeks I got the milkshakes on fucking stack I got the TOR I got the testosterone lifter I got the Shroom Tech I got the alpha brain

I'm ready to rock. So you're going to see the fucking changes in me. My eyeballs are going to get big and shit. Oh, my God. Anyway, go to honnet.com right now and press some code word. Church. Boom.

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And get your 10% off, all right? Yeah. So you're sitting around, you know, what am I going to do this week in college basketball, this, then? Iron Dragon.com, bitches. Classic martial art films right there on your TV.

What? Ironragon TV.com. All right. We'll start it again. IronragonTV.com, cock suckers, for all your classic. Kung Fu film You're sitting there

I need something else to do I got a big babbri for my wife Left Town what am I going to do Go to iron dragon TV.com Get two free movies Go see what library they have They got the Hit Man series What else?

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Boom. You get two free films on the fucking cuff. Hoop doop de doop. What are you kidding me? Or what? Two free fucking films just to see how we work,

how the whole operation works out, all right? Go to iron dragon TV.com and see the little beautiful library that they have to offer. I mean, it's just like having a fucking theater right in your living room. You understand me.

So please go to iron dragon TV. com. Take a look at their fucking movies. You're going to get hard. If you like Chinese people, No Chinese porn yet. Let me talk to them. We'll give you an extra section

hitting the fucking back. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, go to Iron Dragon TV like I'm impressed in. Joey. I get two free movies, all right? Wait, I have a question. What?

What does hoop doop-doo-d-doop mean? Hoop-to-de-doo. That means your shoes are on fire. You're wearing some hoop-to-to-doop burringe shoes. That's what it means, all right? Meondis.com. Again, you're sitting there,

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I do the same thing. I find underwear in my draw that are from 1960 fucking eight. I just keep them for what? To look at the fucking skin marks, look at the holes in them that the ants and the acid that comes out of my asshole pores makes?

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Joey. All right. There you go. You're sitting there all lonely. You got no ghi this. like Joey, I don't need underwear. I need a fucking life. But before you go out and sling, Dick,

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Shipping. You're going to pay a dollar, maybe $2.00. Cut this shit. Stop your fucking crying. If you get a chick, nobody sucks your dick for free. It's going to cost you a cheeseburger. Same thing with that. Same Princeton.

What are you looking at? Let me like that, Lee. You've been a chick to suck your dick with a cheeseburger? Yeah, you have to pay for a cheeseburger somewhere along the line. So you got to take care of whatever you got to take care of Lee. What the fuck is wrong with you? You're looking good, Lee.

Thank you. You're a fucking on immobalee in heat. Look at she. You eat that fucking 20 milligrams. You eat a little piece of her brother. This star is down to none. And look, this star started, a little something from anarchy.

I'll bring my... Edibles. Look at the star. This star was a real star. It's fucking hard. And we're still at it. We're still at it because we don't give a fuck. We're here setting examples for your motherfucker. You understand.

That's right. You're walking out of ice. You might as well dance, cock sucker. We go 24-7 as usual. Okay? And I want to announce something. I'm thinking I running for president. I've been really thinking about it lately.

All these fucking Paul Rubio's that fucking, that witch, that fucking terrorist dressed like a witch, Hillary Clinton. That's what she is. She's a fucking terrorist dress as a witch because she's been lurking around like fucking cancel for years.

There's no chemo strong enough to get rid of it. I think your campaign's over now. You can't say that about your... Yes, I can. Yes, I can. America wants to hear the fucking truth. So what? I got a couple fucking felonies. I took care of my fucking business. I paid my dues. The Seattle fucking warrant

will take care of it if I becomes president. You realize you can write in So you might get elected I can get elected not to be president I can get an election to vote probably We got enough people here crack a lackey Everybody needs a second chance I know where they're slipping

Listen man not as an asshole But with the debt we're in Every city should have medical marijuana Like California and Colorado And use that to fucking pave the roads And to paint the schools And that we should be doing anywhere right there Is it in Colorado making like millions of dollars?

Millions of fucking dollars I'm not sitting here as a pot-in. I'm sitting here as a kid that wants basketball programs back at grammar schools. So all the parents have to worry about it as a fucking sneakers. They don't have to worry about the T-shirt and the shorts. And that's ridiculous. And paying for the bus schedule and something. That's ridiculous.

Parents shouldn't be paying for that. That money should be coming out of someone. That's going to politicians fucking pocket. Something's not right here. Something is just not right. That these programs have been cut from schools. You know, you don't see kids on school playgrounds. I should be driving at 3.30.

and I should be seeing kids in school playgrounds with monitors there. And after school programs, it should be making ceramics. This is something that the city should offer. After school, right there close to the school, you know, to keep them there. The people have to work till 5 o'clock. Give everybody a fucking chance to 5 o'clock on the city, you know, single moms and shit. They don't have that no more. So there's so much fucking help that could be used, you know, cut down, you know,

some of the Israelis, they got to stay back in the man in Israel. Stop coming over here selling them. those fucking diamonds shit, all right? Cock suckers. No, I'm just teethy. I can never run for president. I'm just following this from a miss.

I don't even get involved in that shit. I can't vote anyway. I can probably vote if I summons the court and drop the felony. Guess what? I don't need that. I don't need that. What's going on?

Now, somebody's going to deliver a pizza down a grenade. Oh, my God. That's all I need. I love you, cock suckers. Stay black. Once again, I want to thank on it, iron dragon.com,

behindes.com, and naturebox.com. I want to thank everybody like all the sponsors and the beautiful people listen and you motherfucker is a bad to the bone. Thank you. What's this going to take you? That was delicious. It was delicious.

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