The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #275 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt 4 - 20 special

Episode Date: April 21, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   To contact Lee about podcast consulting email him at [e-mail] This podcast is brought to you by:  Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  Luv To Luv Ya - Timbaland and MAgoo I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Taking Care Of Business - Bachman-Turner Overdrive Recorded on 04/20/2015

This podcast is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use Codeword Church to get 10% off of all of the great optimization products. Like AlphaBrain, New Moot, Shrmtec, Immune, Shroom Tech Sport. It's called Word Church to get 10% off. Go to Iron DragonTV.com. Iron Dragon TV.com is a Roku channel with all of your favorite martial arts movies. From Jackie Chan to Chi Hiro, they have the most 4K technology of anyone. more than Netflix.

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Better tasting, longer lasting, the proof is in the vape. They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars for you. When you go to hit e6.com, use code word Joey's church to get 20% off your order. Oh shit. Oh shit, you bad motherfuckers. The church of what's happened now. Fuck 420. 420's a state of mind, bitches.

What? The day the devil was buried in seat. Oh, shit, Lee. Kick this motherfucker Lee. Little Timmy and Magoo there. me you motherfucker's taking you back to the cave. What? April 20th, motherfuckers.

Hitler's birthday. Really? Yeah, but he's Hitler's birthday. I was just thinking about that. What if Hitler's in hell right now? And he thinks everybody's smoking dope celebrating his fucking birthday, that ego maniac. That's what he thinks.

He's probably up there right now, fucking going, look at all these people celebrating my fucking birthday. He doesn't know. just a small select of fucking confused people and fucking... He's just mad that Jews are still alive. Some fucking neighborhood somewhere. What's happening, baby boy? Nothing.

Churchill, what's happening now, people? Thank you for coming. April 20th the day the devil was buried at sea, stuffed in a garbage can, taken out, fed to the sharks. God knows what the fuck happened to him. Fuck the devil. What's up, brother? How was your weekend?

Great. I had a great weekend. Paula is in the middle of law school finals So I saw her Thursday night And then We just yeah We just kind of hung out

It was fun So she got one more year left after this year Yeah she got one more year When she graduates next June or whatever Yeah she graduates in like May And then she has to study for the bar And when is the bar? Like late summer I think

I think it's like all summer long she studies for the bar Yeah You'll be helpful number quits cards and shit I don't know if I'm going to see her, to be honest. You'll fucking see. You'll figure out of why you, you little horny. Anyway, I want to thank the Houston Improv and the city of motherfucking Houston surrounding areas

for great shows this week, and we had some great times from Bobby and his beautiful girlfriend to fucking Ooky Spooky to all the rest of the fucking church. Savage was there at heart. It was a great. Houston's still a great city, but something's happening across the country statewide, nationwide that I see it.

A fucking traffic is double. in that city really yeah traffic is fucking horrendous man traffic is doubled or tripled in Austin you know I haven't been in Dallas in a while but it's a it's fucking boggling that everywhere you go now it's bump at a bumper bumper bump at a fucking bumper I wonder what it is I wonder if maybe gas prices so everyone just move closer the population people moving to Texas because of the oil you know there's working tech you know people chasing work right now in this country yeah so they go where the work is I don't know maybe it's that you know you got a

Jose is a little bit of traffic Sacramento's got a little bit of traffic you go to the biggest cities there's a lot more people so it's bumping a bumper no matter where the fuck you go you know I always wondered what that was like because I I really had three choices stay in Boston

go to L.A. or New York those are my three options I've always wondered how like if I went to University B.U. Boston University had a business degree and just like sent applications all around the country

and then what if I got a job in Missouri? Like one of my, one of the kids I went to high school with got a job at Churchill Downs. He's from fucking Sudbury now. He's at Churchill Downs doing like IT. I'm just like, that must be kind of weird. At least I knew I was coming to L.A. or New York.

Everywhere else is just like I'll go anywhere. So your question is, what if you would have gone somewhere else, completely different? Well, not even just that. Actually, know what I was thinking of? And this is kind of interesting. Um, when I interned out here the summer before I moved here, I was working nights and I was at a jack-in-the-box drive-thru. And this woman started beeping at me. And she was, she saw my Emerson sticker.

And she was Doug Herzog's old, uh, personal assistant. And Doug Hartzog is the president of Viacom, like Comedy Central, all that stuff. And he's from Emerson. So she gave me his number. and I called the next day thinking I'd get the receptionist like that's who she said I would get to like schedule like a meeting or whatever

just to say hi and I called and he picked up and I panicked because I was not expecting to talk to him so I hung up and then I tried once

but I was never able to meet him and Paula and I were talking to the other night I was like wow if I hadn't hung up that call and had talked to him I probably would have ended up working for Comedy Central in like New York or something. That's what I wanted to do.

I didn't like L.A. when I interned out here. So like me hanging up, I was high and I was thinking of it was like, me hanging up that call, like change my life. What do you think? You think he would have given you a job just like that? He's from Emerson and he has a pretty good reputation. Like that's why his old assistant beeped at me. I don't think he would have given me totally a job,

but I think meeting him and I was working for another Emerson alum out here so I think I probably could have got at least an internship in New York you know once you get older you realize your life is a bunch of fucking what-ifs I know like what if you would have taken this job

what if you got sick that day what if you wouldn't have got in the car I mean your life and you for years you ask you know you want to know the answers you know that guy that missed the flight at 9-11 in Boston well there were a couple of them

like Mark Wahlberg and the guy from the family guy and the guy from what the fuck's his name uh Dougie fresh he was Mike Fabin's all roommate missed the flight that morning also coming out of Boston wow so you always have these what-ifs you know what if I would have stayed you know you always asked me Joey why did you you know when I left in 85 I was writing about this over the weekend I had you know what if I would have stayed I mean how long today would have caught up to me and shot shoot me you know how long I would have got shot you know it was an interesting thing the other day that I carried a gun for five years, you know, and it's like when I carried a gun all those years, I bumped into people that carried guns.

Where were you? Like, what years? 84. Okay. In New York through, right before I got arrested for kidnapping. I always carried a gun with me. Two guns. If I was in the car, I'd have a gun on the receipt. I'd have a gun on my waistband.

What was your thinking? Like, why did you have it? Craziness, insecurity. I don't know. Just thinking, I was important thinking that... That's four years of... Could have been the end of your life. Five years.

Five years. Five years. Because I started carrying the gun in November of 84. I started carrying the gun. Wow. And then I had... I had it, I had it, I had it, and then I sold it before I went to New York. And then once I got to Colorado, I think I bought another gun maybe in 86.

I bought a gun from some kid on the street. It was like a friend of a friend. And I always think about that. That's my biggest war deaths, like how I carried a fucking gun, how confused and dumb I was to carry a gun of those years. It must, I can't even imagine, but it must have, like, Like, doesn't it add stress to your life? Like, because you just walk, because you just must know it's there.

It's there. You know, it's there. Oh, my God. You feel, it wasn't that I had a little dick syndrome. It was just that I always thought that was my fate. So I didn't want to be without one. What are you looking at, Lee? What is the fucking confusing?

Nothing. He's just confusing with you. I like that when you only had one fucking scream. It's like you're, you know, you're sending a rocket ship to fucking NASA. or something like that to the moon. But I always think of that. And there's a lot of people that do fucking have guns that carry. I mean, how fucking lucky I was.

And never got really pulled over with a gun on me. Like a cop never found. Really? I was never in a possession of a firearm. Nothing. Nothing. One time I got chased with the gun, I threw it out. And I thought the cops saw it.

He didn't fucking see it. And I learned what people see and what they don't see, you know? So you went to jail in Colorado. and it was unlucky that you got caught in theory. I know it turned your life around. But how many, do you get unlucky more or lucky more? Because it seems like... Lucky.

Yeah. I'm very lucky. Wow. I feel like I'm very, very lucky. Because that Colorado thing, I mean, at the end of the day, there was nobody untarnished. I mean, I can't say that. I don't know what Vela went through. I don't know what Tidwell went through.

I know what Tidro went through. And I'm telling you that this was not. You know, nobody got hurt, nobody. But it could have happened later on in my life when somebody got, I'm happy that it happened then, and it really slowed me down. I think about, I'm coming up on, I don't know, what the fuck of this anniversary, 32 years when I left Nuckberg in the first time. Like, when I really left and said, I'm not fucking coming back here.

I'm going to try to get my life together. This is before I created chaos. Like, I left on, like, medium terms. For Florida? for Colorado. I own a loan shark money. I owed this bookie like 800 bucks. I mean, nobody was really

influential. Like nobody. I had a couple people pissed off at me, but I didn't know where they stood. There was rumors. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, what if I would have stayed that year? You know, what if I never would have sent a tape

to Adam Sandler for the Langer? Oh, yeah. Do you ever think about stuff that you didn't do? like things you could have gone out for they didn't go out for? Oh, absolutely. Like something someone talked to you into? No, I'd like not going to the blood test

for the fucking Marines that morning. What if I would have went to the blood test for the Marines that morning? You know, would I would have been a lifer? Would I have gone to the Marines and pulled the rich gear and got in trouble for shining shoes and got thrown out of the Marines?

I mean, this is what your life becomes and you think of what made you make the decisions and some people go crazy. I just move on with it. Right. I leave it to fate. You know, like sometimes you just fucking get involved in something, you know?

I had an audition this morning. And I got to tell you something. These people called me in four times with this fucking movie. And I didn't want to fucking go in for it. And I had my reasons. I just didn't feel. It just didn't feel right. And I went to and I had a great time at the fucking audition.

You know? Would I take the film? I don't know. It's going to be in my busy, busy, busy time. And I don't. But what if I wouldn't have gone in for it? You know? There's nights I put my jiu-jitsu knee pads on.

in my jih Tutsu pants. I'm like, I don't know if I can go to Jiu-Jitsu. And I think of something. I think every time I do go to J-Jitsu, how much of a good time I have. And in the middle of the class, even though I'm sweating, and I'm breathing, I'm huffing and puffing, and I think I'm going to die.

I say to myself, Jesus Christ, I'm happy I can't do J-Jitsu. I learn a pretty fucking cool move. Yeah. So, in other words, you never want to live a life of what-ifs. But there's always going to be what-ifs because you could go to the other way. way? Like, what if what if you want to do to

and then, I don't know, there was an earthquake or, like, there's always something that could happen on the other side. Well, you don't think about it that way. I never wanted, the biggest question mark I never wanted in my life was what if I didn't do it?

What if? I always thought that early on, I knew that I was the, don't, this is nothing to feel good about, but I always knew that I was a type of person it's like when I kick work away when somebody offers me a weekend somewhere I don't like turning it down

because I know somewhere in the future I'm going to need that money right now I'm going to go why did I turn that particular gig down I'm one of those guys you know but that's what I didn't want to do in my life I talk to a lot of people I have one friend in particular

who you know she she sold her life out for our life out for our And we all know people who are listening to the show. We've all seen those people that have great opportunities and have sold their life out for alcohol or drugs or blow. You know, when we were talking yesterday on the drive, we were talking about that I saw a few people in Houston that

were funnier comics than I want. They had more, I mean, they had so many things going on in their career that I wish I would have had. and they blew it for fucking alcohol or coke or and I think about myself what made me stop at 44 but even though I was doing blow I was always making strides you know and I made little strides and I never went backwards

even though I was doing blow it was like the blow was my own personal problem I turned it into a personal problem as opposed to what in my mind I did Let's be honest. In my mind, when you have a problem, it carries over into all the other avenues in your life. Okay, when you have a problem doing something, you know, I have a friend that won't return calls,

and she has a ton of problems in her life. If she would just return calls and start with that, the problems would disappear. Every time I talk to it, there's a fucking dilemma. Every day that I talk to it, once a fucking every 10 days, there's always a problem in her life. But the biggest problem is she doesn't take care of the little problems. If you take care of little problems, the big problems will work themselves out somewhere in others.

Little things. It's such a little thing. That was always my biggest fear, Lee. It wasn't, when I got into, all right, let's talk about stand-up comedy. When I got into stand-up comedy, I got into stand-up comedy, not knowing what I really wanted to do. I was just looking for something different. There was a hole in my life that I was looking for that had to get filled in more ways than one. It wasn't just about a career or whatever. My career was a burglar. My career was a fucking thief. I had a fucking career. That's what in my mind I thought I deserved, okay?

Then you've got... Then after about a year or so, you meet a couple different types of comics. You meet comics that are like Bill Burr, and then you meet comics that are like Todd Jordan. You know what Todd Jordan is? I've heard the name, I think. No, you don't know.

You heard the name from me. Oh, okay. He's a comic from Denver. That was a high-level comic in Denver, and that was it. That's where it ended, you know? and there's for every 22 Bill Burrs or Sebastian Manascockel or Doug Benson

there's a thousand guys that are funny in these guys that just didn't have the oomph to go over the hump. So it was funny because when I got banned at the Comedy Works, I would go to the... I would take a bus from Boulder to Denver, I'd go to the Comedy Works and I'd go on the back. Tuesday night was open mic night. But what it really is, is the season comics

come down and get a few drinks. and talk shit in front of the young comics about how they went out and this and this and if you ever do this room and then you sit there salivate I can't wait to go on the road someday but these guys were downplayed but when I was in the room with them

Colorado the region would have like let's say you know New Mexico Arizona Wyoming that's what borders Colorado you know if you look at the map I don't know I don't have it right in front of me right now

So these comics would just work that area. They would work for Tribble in those days. They would work for the last chains, which is New Mexico, Tucson, and Colorado Springs. And they also worked for, like, the booker that I told him to suck my dick, the one that booked me in Texas and wanted me to go to New Mexico.

They worked for that guy. They worked for a guy named David Tribble, who's a great booker out of Pacific Northwest. Nice guy. He's missing in the year. I don't know how he lost it, but he's a great fucking guy. You never asked how he loves them? And then after that, that's your main area, in Kansas.

And they would go to Kansas City, whatever club was in Kansas City. And that's what they would work. And I remember going back, and I don't want people to judge me on this. I'm just telling you how I thought. And I remember I would go back there and listen to these guys think. And I would sit there and go, so they're doing a lot more than I'm doing. But that's all they're doing. That's all they're doing.

These guys don't strive to be on television. They don't strive to write. They don't strive to do comedy on the road. And when I started comedy, there was so many more stand-up, comedy shows on TV. A&E even had one, comedy on the road. And they would go to different stand-up comedy clubs. And each comedy club would have like a contest to see what four comedians would go on that show. A&E had one, VH1, had one MTV, probably had three stand-up comedy. Yeah, like what happened with premium blend? All these stations had all this comedy, but there

was a lot more comedy on television. So the level of comics that I saw that comedy works in those days weren't on those TV shows. So you have those level of guys. Then you have the level of guys that do the TV stand-up routines. Tonight show, blah, blah, blah. Then you have the guys that do that and do movies. You know, I always wanted to be the guy

that would do it all. Like, even back then, I'm like, huh. Kansas sounds nice for two times. You know, Wyoming sounds really nice to go twice, to do comedy. But after that, I'm going to expand my horizons. And there was this one guy, excuse me, that did, like, the Sanford

Francisco comedy competition. He would do punchline, and I remember how they treated him. They treated him like an outside. Even though he was very funny, they liked them, but they didn't. He wasn't part of the fucking cool circle. Because he was cool than them.

You understand? So the cool people who aren't cool? Right. So I always knew, like, when I got thrown out of the Denver comedy works as an open micer, I was very happy in a way. And that's why when I went back

and I did that tour with Chappelle, and I saw Wendy Curtis, who runs that. I thanked her. Because at the time when she threw me out, there was so many bad things going on in my life. But there was only one good thing, and that was calming. I was keeping my life alive by doing little sets here and there. No matter how bad I felt, Lee, no matter how bad I felt about my daughter or the wife or what was going on, how broke I was, or how I was living in this little fucking room.

And I wasn't really feeling bad for myself because at least I was doing blow. You know what I'm saying? I wasn't living how I wanted to at the age of 30. but at least what I wanted surround me, you know, it's like Mick Jaggers. You don't get what you want, but you get what you need. But I had so many little bad things going on.

The only good thing was that I was really pursuing comedy, heavy duty. Like, since I had nothing going on, I might as well put my efforts into comedy and see what happens with it. And what happened was I got better and I improved. Right. So when she told me,

when they threw me out for the sexual harassment thing, yeah, it was sad that they threw me out. It was sad, but I had to make a decision. I had to make the decision, do I stay in Denver and just work the other rooms with the comedy? Now, everybody knows that the comedy works as in a room. Listen, man, as a human being, as a person, you always want to be in that A-click. Just because you know that you're going to improve that much, just by walking in there and being a part of that, you're going to grow as a human being and whatever the profession is.

You know, let's say you want to be a brick mason, right? Right. and at this one company, they'll pay you $12 an hour, and they'll kind of teach you, right? But if you go to another company, you learn from old Italian dudes and these dudes that have been doing 50 years,

they'll pay you $8 an hour, but you'll learn how to lay brick the fucking old-fashioned way. What would you do? A lot of people go for the money. Yeah, it's a tough decision. But guys like me would go for the less money to learn from the best.

That's how I liked that time, like that was my mentality. Like, yeah, I'm going to go to McKelvey's and Witsen. They're like fucking C-rooms. What am I going to get from those guys? How to sell T-shirts of the show? How to fucking sell CD?

You know, it was that mentality. It was that road mentality. Like, yeah, man, we just worked Oklahoma, whatever. Not even Oklahoma City. Like, they work like a fucking suburb of a suburb. And they're trying to fuck, even though I'm going to Oklahoma City.

I'm excited. I'm going for one night. It's that mentality. I always thought there was a lot more. It's a hard decision. Speaking of what we were just talking about, about making decisions. when you say it out loud like that,

you know what decision you're supposed to make, but when you're broke 21, 22 out of school, that $3 or $4.202 extra an hour is sometimes too hard to turn down. Well, it depends what you want to do with your life. I mean, yeah, I'm going to get $4 an hour, and they're going to teach me, and you're going to pick up bad habits.

If you really want to be a brick mason, I really wanted to be a comic. And I knew one thing. I didn't want to pull the Louis Lamont. I didn't want to be on the speed track. I didn't have to come back and redo my act and learn again. I didn't want to con nobody. I knew this was for me.

I knew this was my last chance to be a fucking human being. I knew this in my heart at the time. I knew I had nothing. I was going into my fucking 30s with nothing. I owned nothing. I had no possessions. I had just lost a marriage. I lost a child.

I had a car. I had a mattress. I had some fucking clothes. I had a little bit of cash. And this is all I had. I lived week to fucking weak, bro. Don't think that I was at 28. I was better than the other 28-year-old.

But I knew that for me to grow, you want to be around the fucking best. So I took a chance. Once they crewed me out of the comedy work, it looked like, again, what am I going to do? Hang on Colorado Springs with those guys? No. I picked up my car and I went on the fucking road.

And then I'm not hearing about comics living in their fucking cars and just committing to it. This is a commitment. This is when you know. You ever have people that tell you they want to learn how to edit and you check with them three months later and they've done one thing

but you as nether to know that they're missing it like when people come talk to me and they say I really want to do stand-up I really want to be funny man I need you help and I'll just send them on one simple mission right tomorrow got on stage hit me back after you get on stage let me know how you did if they don't hit me back they didn't really want to do it right we've seen that

you know I have seen that people starting podcasts but then also the crazy I was telling you the other day I went that bear cat saying I went on all those interviews. I learned even back when I was working in high school interviews a lot of times will cancel an interview a couple

times just to see if you're really interested in the job. If you're persistent enough. Right. Absolutely. I could see that that he's busy. Call back next week and schedule just to see apps of fucking Louis. Yeah. It's, you know, I know all the reasons why.

When people come to me for anything, now I know the steps at this age, if you come to me and say you want to be on a Yeah, go do this. You know, that's it. It's simplified. Now it's right in your hands. Listen, you don't know about something.

You go to the fucking library and use their Yahoo and their Google. Right or wrong? Yeah. What do you need? Library card? Probably. That's it. I don't know if they have those anymore.

Yeah, they haven't because of North Hollywood Library. They got computers in there. Yeah. I go in there. They get books in times. They got fucking terminal set up in there. I mean, they got the, I don't know how you can find a book on a fucking computer. I'm still used to the Dewey Decimal system with the fucking

books and you got to write it down and go to the shelf. You know how to do that? I used to it when I was a kid, and now I don't. Now you have to go to the assistant and ask if they have this book in stock and she'll fucking look right through it. But that was my biggest worry, Lisa. I was not completing something.

I had done so many incompletes. Oh my God. I'd started so many fucking things and quit, you know. I didn't think there was significant enough. But the reason why you and I have seen it here in Los Angeles, especially. See, in Los Angeles, you have this level and the people could walk around and

they're able to touch that level. Like you were able to bump into David Spade or whoever the fuck you bump into. And it gives you, I don't know, people want to start things. But what's the result of being here, being on television, it's being famous, as being a limo, somebody opening up a door for you? People start things that that doesn't happen in 90 days. They go on to the next mind fuck. Yeah. You know, when I started the podcast with you, it wasn't the start a podcast to

become rich and famous in six fucking weeks. I'm doing this until I fucking die. Yeah, because you, I mean, correct me from wrong. I know you had some sponsors on Beauty and the Beast, but not a lot. Nothing like we've had. I didn't care about money. I wanted to do it to get your word out there so people know where the fuck you're coming from. Why keep bullshying people?

Yeah. People see you on state and say, oh, this guy's a nice guy, but I'm not a nice fucking guy. I don't know. I don't know. I'm talking to you about fucking Martians. I'm not Joe Rogan like that. I don't know. about that shit. You know, people come up to me that send me

fucking MySpace shit. Oh, look at this Bigfoot thing. Send it to Joe. I don't give a fuck about Bigfoot. I'm not going to send this to Joe. I'm going to delete this fucking thing.

Don't send me that shit. I still get dumb shit like that because they send it to him. He don't fucking want it. And they said it to me, like send this to Joe. Go fuck yourself. You know?

You're not going to send it to Joe? No. Why would I do something like that? I get that all the time for you. I feel bad, but I'm not. I just, I forget what most of it is.

I guess, oh yeah, the shoutouts, people. Pictures of hummus. Oh, yeah, that's funny. I like that. I actually, sorry, you stream went out again. Do you ever think about it and look back and maybe are glad you didn't get something at a certain point? Because today, like, I just did my first consultation today, and it went great. And as I was leaving here, I was like, huh, I wish I had started this a year ago, like when I first started doing this full time.

But then I was thinking about like, I learned so much the last year about it. I probably would have not done a good job at it and then just stopped doing the business. And now after just only, this is all I did last year to make money. This is the only thing. So I actually, like I feel like it was good almost. No, this is what you're supposed. This is the evolution. Look, we were talking about something today.

And I don't want people to get this the wrong way. I whether fuck I'm saying it. When I talk about this, I talk about. how I felt growing up. When I was growing up, and I'd see people who had whatever type of job. I was impressed. I was impressed with bartending jobs.

I was impressed. You work in the city as a stockbroker? You're a fucking stock clerk, or you know, you're a supervisor at some fucking firm or an attorney that always, I always loved that. I'll tell you what I didn't like. I didn't like being at that place for 60 fucking hours a week. Right.

And then at the end of the year, on top of all that you had another problem you have the problem that you're fucking making a ton of money for somebody else tons and they're giving you insurance and that's it that's it you go to them and go listen I'm going to see what you made last year I want to see what this podcast made they're not going to show it to you they're not going to show it to you not at all they're going to say this is what we made and has no concern with you we pay you a salad you think when you go into those editing people that you work for what do they charge a TV show exactly yeah what are They charge a TV show.

For them to pay you what they were paying you, what do you think they charged the TV show? Double. Triple that. So after a while, a guy like you goes, fuck this. You know what? I'm going to hustle. Man, I got two kids.

Man, I got a wife. Man, I got this. I got that. Guess what? That means your hustle's got to be. Your game's got to be tied up. Yeah. You know, that means on the first of the month,

Joey Diaz, B. Sayat, a bunch of your motherfuckers started Zee. I started zero the first of month. Everything that pops up happens. Like I said to you today, if L.A.X crashes tomorrow and the fucking floor goes up with L.A.X. I can't fly out of here. Can't fly out of Burbank. What do I do at zero?

I got to, let's say they close L.A.X. now for 60 days. I got to come up with a fucking new solution for 60 fucking days. I've got to feed my wife and my kid. Right. I'll put something together. That's called the hustle. That's called believing in yourself.

I never believed in myself in areas like being good looking. or being very fucking intelligent or being a tough guy and shooting people. I tell you where I really believe to myself and putting two things together. Like, you want to put something together on me? But we're going to put it together the right way.

Like, I was the type of guy that you come to me and say, I got three guys, they want to buy a half ounce of blow. Well, blow costs 1,600 an ounce. That means they got to come up with eight. What did they give you? They gave me eight cash.

All right, we could buy that half ounce. They're going to charge is nine. We're not going to make no money, Lee. So guess what we got to do? we got to come up with another 8 get that ounce to 16 and then we could cut it, sell them, and we can make a ton of money.

What do you say? I only got 110 in my account. I got 60. So get on that fucking phone. Make some calls. Tell people that you give them a gram for 85 bucks. It's usually 100.

Bring over the fucking money. And within an hour, you'll get it for blow. You'll get it. That's hustling. And next thing you know, instead of making $50 and whatever, you made three bills in a gram of blow.

And you do, you know, when I first got here to do Coke, I tell that stupid story about the Whitney Houston thing. In those days, from 2000 to 2003 guys, I did whatever I needed to do to make the fucking ends meet. When I first moved in with Terry, in the back of my mind, I couldn't let it down. I was living in her fucking apartment. I couldn't let it down. I kept my little apartment over there, but I was still, what am I going to do? Come over here and sleep in my wife's house and my woman's house and not help her out. I paid her off.

I paid her. Some months I give her half. and some months I gave her a whole rent. Some months I give her half the fucking rent. And some months, if she gave me her car to take to auditions, I give her the fucking car payment. That's my woman. I got to take care of her.

You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to send her to get a fucking pedicure. You know, if I don't have the money, but I'm going to help her fucking bills a little bit. And that's what I did. So I had to pay two rents, basically. I had to pay child support. I had to make all these payments.

Lee, tell these people. How much my checks in the economy store? $15 bucks. $15 bucks is said. You do four sets in a week. What's that add up to? 90 bucks. 60, stupid.

And you went to Emerson. And let's say you got a main room spot. You get 60% of the door divided by 15 comics. So you probably make another 150 fucking dollars. So what's 150 and fucking 60? 210. So 210 times fucking four. 8.40.

Okay. I was paying two rents, blah, blah, bab, bab, bo, and a cocaine addiction on 840. Joey, how the fuck do you do that? Well, during the week, Felipe Spars, and Willie Barsena had a room. They each paid 40 a fucking room. Fly had a room for 50, 60 bucks.

On the weekends, who doesn't have a room for $100, $200, and $200, and the rest, brother, came from slinging weed and slinging blow. Or gambling or putting a betting for somebody or sitting on somebody's bets and hoping they fucking lost. And if they went holding them off and borrowing from Peter to pay poor,

that's a complete different other way to make a fucking living. And I know you had little jobs when you first came to LA, like sometimes you would do some... I saw cigars, yeah. But I was, because I took an Uber here because I don't know if people can see that or not, but you're unwrapping another Tebowchu. Yeah. But I was talking to the guy, and he works seven to four every day,

and that's what, nine hours a day, and he makes 800 a week, he said. And I was like... Well, you got to take $200 off there. He makes six. Well, no, yeah, but with the gas and stuff. But then I was thinking because I did that a few times, I was feeling bad about it. And, but now that I'm starting this, like, it's...

like you you sold coke and stuff so you wouldn't have a job so all you could do is comedy I'm not saying I want you to sell coke that's not no but I'm just saying you did it so that you could focus only on one thing right and it's uh it's it's hard to make that decision because I get emails every day now about about how either people want to do it or people just did it and it's terrifying and it's uh it's a it's a crazy decision decision to make. I second guess it at least three times a day, usually. What, not having a job? Yeah, sometimes.

Well, you're giving up a lot, and what's the opposite of giving up a lot? Gaining. So you're somewhere in the middle. This is what I thought. Okay? Let's throw our cards on the fucking table here.

And some people might hang up after this, whatever the fuck you want to do. I didn't have, I flunked out. I didn't have the means or parents or whatever to put me through college. So I started hustling. Whatever. I make ends meet. Was I making a ton of money? No, but I didn't too bad. You know, I knew how to keep my rent low.

I knew how to, you know, this was before I was an economist or before I ever dreamed of. I knew that if you made two grand a month, you couldn't spend $1,000 for rent. Not that things are going to happen, you just can't. So you got to keep your rent low. So you got to keep it at four or five. You know, if you sacrifice a car, that's why I always liked work. working close by because no matter what happens you could always get to work okay yeah and then for some but guess what Lee I always found the way to get a hundred and eighty dollars to pay for six credits of fucking stupid community

college and I kept doing it I kept doing 383 I did two semesters when I was in Colorado and I went back to Jersey I even think I took a semester at some I not IT some school out in Hackensack they have. I took like a course out there and something, but I never even claimed it. Then when I went back to Colorado, I went back to CCM, whatever. And then I went to Boulder

and there's a continuing at school at night across the university. And eventually they came to me and they said, you have to transfer, blah, blah, blah. And I did Lee. And I got to tell you, it was fucking fun. But it was different. I wasn't 20. I wasn't 18. I was 24, 20 fucking

5. I was like 20. And I'm walking around this campus as a fucking like a freshman, you know, whatever the fuck you want to call it. And I was having a great time, Lee. And eventually, you know what? I'll never forget, like taking, like, now I had, I don't know, maybe less than a year of credits to take before I could actually get a diploma. Something I never thought I would ever attain, especially since I got a fucking GED. And then guess what happened, me? What?

I got hitting the head with a left fucking punch. and that punch said to me just like this it was like listen so you've just gone to college okay you're not getting you're not taking a bunch of loans out this isn't costing your arm no leg it's low interest you know I even took a loan out one time

bought a car and sold it and made like $4,000 bucks and paid the loan that back I mean that's what I'm talking about hustle you know that's hustling that's hustling you know I had a friend who would take school loans out put it in the fucking bank take a bank book loan on the fucking thing.

Oh, please. That's old Jew and Genuity, which people don't even have anymore. To take a school loan out? What's the percentage of a school loan? I don't know. Probably not as much. 3%. Right? What's the percentage? Anybody know on Twitter?

When you take a school loan out, what's the interest rate they fucking blast you with? Okay? You think about that one, Lisa. Think about that fucking scam. That's a fucking Jew scam. So what's the national, what's the fucking average? A 0.8% bump in 10-year yield means it's going to go, right now it's 3.86% and it's going to go to 4.66.

So if you borrow money from the bank, what do you got to fucking pay? What's the interest rate? The first one I can see is 7.6. So right off the back, you made four fucking points. Yeah. Right off the back, you made four fucking points. So it costs you 3% Which is fucking who gots

Who gots So my buddy would take those loans Okay And put them in a fucking bank book In the bank Okay And then he would take a bankbook loan on that Okay

And he would take that thing And buy a house How crazy is that? Okay, so wait So he would take the student loan out Right He would take the student loan out And he would just pay the 3% of that

Right And he would put it in the bank account Get interest on that And then take a loan out And forget the whole saying like because he had this money in the bank. Right. He was his down payment. Okay.

So he would borrow against it. I forget how he would make the fucking money. I don't have a retard. I ate a couple fucking edibles. A couple. But that's the type of shit that you fart? No, not yet. It's like a fucking farting here anyway.

It's like maple syrup when first started. Yeah, it must be something left over in this motherfucker. I heard you went to Denny's and got French toast. No, I don't eat that shit. Banana bread French toast. No, I wanted to. It's not, but it sounds good. It looks good.

Did you see the fucking... My dad said he had it. That's why he said it was great. Yeah, it looks fucking really, really good. Looks like I'll also give you a fucking heart attack also. I'm sure. But that was the thing. So not to get off the subject, leave.

Let me tell you what happened with this left hook. Okay. I totally forgot about that. What the fuck was I going to do with this degree once I got it? Like, this is eight credits left. I just get out of prison. And I'm like, wait a second. So how do I get this degree?

What am I going to do? The only person that's going to give me a job is someday in New York. That means I have to move to New York, get an apartment, and take a train and brown bag get to lunch and start all over again at 20, whatever the fuck I am. When there's kids that are three years younger than me already doing this job, we're going to be smacking me around, bossing me around.

But here's what gets betterly, because I didn't even look at it as an option. I didn't even look at it as an option then. I looked at it as a jail sentence. And this is before I went to prison. I'm sorry to say that. This is before I went to prison because this is what made me realize.

Like, I have no chance. This is what you mean to tell me I'm going to do from the age of 28 to the age of 65. If you're lucky. That's it. This is what you mean to tell me I'm going to get stuck with.

Like, I'm not be... This is it. I'm going to be an economist or fucking be some... What I really wanted to be was... Yeah, that's true. what I want to do, economies. And I want to do like international markets. Like, that's what I want to do. I have because I could speak Spanish. But that was it. I'm going to travel and do that,

and that's it. That's my fucking life. Then I got a watch. That just destroyed my insides. A watch? Yeah, when you retire, they give you a fucking watch. Oh, okay. Jesus Christ. So that was my fear right there, that this is what I'm stuck with until whatever. Right. You know, for some people, it's marriage, for some people. For me, it was that. This is what I'm to do every day. And then on the weekends, I get Saturday and Sunday off, and I get to fucking mow a lawn and fix my house up and take care of kids. So where's my fucking piece? Where's my day off? Where's my fucking sitting around and just floating naked in a fucking pool? That's not going to be my... You know what I'm saying? Like, that was my biggest fear.

Yeah. So that's when I started thinking about fucking careers. You know, like, what am I going to do? You need something. You need something. You need something with dependability. I wasn't looking. I knew I didn't have the mental capacity. to make a half million dollars a year as a doctor or something like that. Once I got the felonies, I knew. So I had to make what works for me. What worked for me at the time? Common.

Everything about it worked. I could run. I could hide. You know, I had just gotten divorced. I had no credit. I was fucking shell shock. And I just wanted to find myself at that age. What better than to find yourself on the fucking road, driving.

Smoking dope, listening to the radio. It's the best way to find yourself. It's the drive. Yeah. And that's what really fucking happened. Now, what if, what if when I came to L.A. And no agents wanted to sign me, if I would have said, you know what, I'm going to just move back to Colorado and do some comedy from time to time.

I think really, in my heart, comedy really saved me because I think I would have been in jail now if it was off the county. Or you would have had an OD probably. Or OD. Nah, if I was an OD, I would OD because trust me, I went fucking hard. That's why I couldn't understand when those comics let the addiction beat up. Like when I had an audition, I prepared the night before. No matter how bad I wanted to snort Coke. I wouldn't snort Coke the night before.

Don't get me wrong. There was a lot of auditions. I didn't get a fuck about it, but I did snort. I was going to snort and coke for you. It's probably like doing a little bit of edibles. It's just like, you snort more than anyone normally would. Lee, when I get a call like at 6 o'clock and let's say in my mind all there, I already had the money in my pocket to buy blow.

and I get a call not to go to an audition. Oh my God, I would look at the audition. What time is that at 220? See, in those days, I'd want the auditions later on because I get me, even if I woke up at 9 and I got my head straight till 12, I could learn the lines and go in there at 2, 3 o'clock, so I could still keep it together.

Right. But those 10 o'clock auditions, I couldn't fucking snort because you can tell I snorted. Oh, yeah. I don't, like, it's a little bit back, but you've never really talked. about it. Like, what was going through your head when you were like, yeah, I should still go to college? Like, that's still, like, I should still do that. Like, it just blows my mind that you

were taking classes as you were selling Coke and robbing people and being you. Like, you're like, yeah, I still need to get that degree. I just, you never really talked about it. I never shook it, Lee. I never shook it. I never shook it. As much as I wanted to not be the that person, I love that side of me. I love that side to me that if things go fucking bad, I can just put a gun to you or work you or I love that fucking cold side of me at the time. You know, the other night I went somewhere and I had Black Sabaton. I go, what the fuck do I listen to this after 40 fucking years?

What the fuck do I have volume four in my car after 40 fucking years listening to this shit? I still like it. I mean, I still giggle sometimes. The songs get me off and I'm driving. You know why I like it? You know why I like it, Lee? Because it takes me to a time when my life was, I couldn't control it. It was unconfusing.

It was fucking horrible. So why do you like that? As a reminder, I guess. As a reminder how fast things could slip up, I guess, in a way. I don't know. I just, at that time, Lee, I wanted to be a different person, but there was something that told me I would never be that person. So what am I even trying?

Oh, what the fuck is? I'm always going to be a piece of shit to eat. I'm not going to amount to nothing. That was my mentality. Like, why am I doing this? Why am I doing this trying to do this when this is not going to fucking ever pan out for me, man? I'm going to always be, you know, I was going to school

and I'd find myself in like a study hall with like, you know, like a study hall with like a library. And I'd have to go do something, look a project up at night or something. And I'd be in a library with that. Let's just exaggerate. 20 kids. And I look at these kids and I can't lie to you. They were all completely different

than me. And they were all had been raised completely different than I was. And that's all I could think about while I was sitting in this study room with them, feeling fucking so inferior to these kids that were in this room and so insecure that all these kids had parents that all these kids maybe, maybe out of the 20 kids in here, maybe eight of them smoked pot. The other ones are what society called nerds who I don't hate at all by no means but they were not me that's what made me even feel worse that they were nerds because they were not all me so I never really got I wasn't comfortable with my skin at that time late so yeah I would go to college and you know I would go to let me tell you about a dumb thing I would do I would sell cars how many times I'd say I would make

fucking 7,000 a month some months on months selling cars a minimum of fucking five grand even when I went to Chrysler Plymouth. You don't I would do some days? What? While I was working, I'd say, guys, I've got to go to the dry cleaner and they lost my shirt and they'd say, okay, and I'd take a demo. And I'd shoot across the street to the Boulder Mall and I'd go to that store

that engrave you things. You know the stores that engrave things for you? Okay. And I'd go in and they'd have Parker Pens. You know what Parker Pen is? Just a nice pen I get? A nice pen. And they have all different colors and stuff. And Cross. Cross was another old pen. I think they still have in some stores where it's just a nice pen.

They have gold ones and silver ones. And I would rob those pens. I would make the lady show me the pen. And then when she would turn her back on me, she'd leave the big drawer open. And I'd take six pens, put in my pocket and cross the street and go right back to the Chrysler Plymouth store and sell 10 pens for 10 bucks a piece and get $60. Now, why would somebody who makes $5,000 a month do something, risk everything he's getting? for 60 fucking dollars to be a chump

to fucking be a chump only I would do something like that at that time because it reminded me of who the fuck I was and where I came from I liked having that little thing and there was my own little secret nobody knew about

I would tell them how I know the chick that works over there she steals them and gives them to me 10 bucks a piece who takes 10 bucks for these fucking things I never go into the University of Colorado on Boulder one day and there was like a thing of like cheap watches like you know those three nine ninety five watches I took the whole rack what how I just picked it up and walked out of there with it like I did Michael Julius brother how to how

why would you do something like that and embarrass yourself and your friends and then you have to go answer your friends that's a dumb shit I did it's not at the same level at all but it's kind of what's going on with like the Aaron Hernandez thing and all those like tiger woods all those people who make dumb mistakes like that that's no it's you're absolutely right it's a complete different level but it's the same theory it's the same theory you're absolutely right that's how it starts it's just but i i still can't understand getting seven million dollars a year and going somewhere and shooting somebody now but let me tell you something different between me and you.

At 28, and I'm going to look you in the fucking face and tell you this, and you're going to die at 28 if I had $7 million. I'd still would have done drugs, you know, but I would have done it in my house. Yeah. And that was just me.

I would never be out. That's really makes sense. I would never be out. I wouldn't be at nightclubs. People would not know my fucking business. I'm one of those guys. You know, I'm not saying that I wouldn't have killed somebody or whatever the fuck by mistake.

I mean, we don't fucking know the story of why this idiot did this. Nobody ever fucking knows the story. I mean, I don't know. I never paid attention to the trial. What happened, though, it's just, he's the most recent one who's done it, but there's tons of stories of just idiots

throwing away everything. It's like that Ryan Leaf guy. Like, there's tons of them. I just, I didn't understand where my mind was then, like the things. Did you realize it? Were you, like, ashamed of it? Or you just had fun? I had no reason to be ashamed of it

because nobody knew about it. But there was a kid that, wash cars at the fucking Chrysler-Plimit place. A little young kid. If I was 20, whatever, he had to be 21. And they had a cute little blonde chick. You know, George reminded me about this one day. And the kid kind of bothered me a little bit.

He pissed me off one day. Something about blow something. And at lunchtime, I just went. I knew he was there. I knew he was at the dealership and he wasn't leaving. I went to his house, kicked the door down, and took all his blow and brought it back. That took him like three days to figure out it was fucking me.

you know I really didn't give a fuck I lied in my teeth out he told me was gonna get three people after me whatever I told him go ahead I didn't rob your fucking house why would I leave here and then he came to him when they goes you know I thought about what you said and you're right you would have never left here and rob my house you know I got all this to lose why would I rob you house and in reality I did go to his house and I probably got you know four or five fucking grams what if I would have got caught coming out of that with the coke and breaking an entry that's five fucking years with a criminal record

for theft before or something like that and you didn't plan it you it wasn't like it was at night when like people wouldn't see you you're just like hey it's noon time I would get impulsive I used to be like very impulsive let's pretend me and you were tight for a while let's pretend that you and I

were tight and we were doing Coke deal and I bought Coke from you and you really dug me and I really dug you blah blah blah blah Okay. Somewhere in one or the one. I went to your house one night.

And you had a little bit of a fucking attitude towards me in those days. I apologize. I apologize. And by the time you come back, like, Lee, you've been selling this for $500 the whole time. Well, I had to raise my price. And you guys are selling it and doubling the money on me. And now, okay. I would probably come back with the money and pay you what you want.

But you're on the robbery. now. We got you on a list now. Trust me. We're going to keep doing business with you, but we're going to wait until you put your guard down, and it's going to be the saddest fucking day of your life. And that's what I would do. And I'd wait until, I'd call a bar one night. And I was the luckiest guy in the world

because I would just happen to call, let's pretend Lee hung out at Swanis, and there was a bar called Joe, and I hung out at Lenny's. And you were at Swanis, and also you said, you know, I'm going to take a walk over to Joe's. And you went over to Joe's and called me. And I said, T, what's going? And you said, where are you at?

And I said, I'm over at Lenny's. Where were you? You were over at Joe. And I go, who's over at whatever you? And you'd say, me and this guy Pete, they go, Pete the wench, yeah. Who's he with? And you tell me who he's with. I go, stay there.

When they ask you, who called, tell him you got to call your mom and ask her what she wanted. Okay. Guess where I would go? Where? To Pete's house, to Rob him. Because I knew he was at the bar. you this is way before cell phones this is way before pagers this is way when you did everything on a whim so if I know is he comfortably is he sitting down does he

have money on the bar yes he does he's got a girl with him done he's getting robbed because he just put his guard down he didn't take care of his business on a Friday night he's a coke deal he shouldn't be at the fucking bar that's how treacherous I was like I just wait I give you time because I knew as a drug dealer you were gonna fuck up on a Friday night you just got your load you just got it you didn't sell it all you just got your fucking package

right so that means that you're what are you doing out that means there's got to be a package hidden somewhere do you follow that's that I'm sorry I'm so let's say I call Lee and go go over there and ask him if he's got powder and he'd go no he's getting powdered around 11 he says the guy's going to meet him at his house

11 if you see him out at 1.30 he's done I'm taking that package because I know somewhere. Even if he sold half of it, the rest of that package has got to be somewhere. It's crazy. It's fucking crazy, Lee. So I would just put you on a mental list and just

have you there. Instead of going after you or robbing you right away, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. I do business as I do business as usual. You didn't even do nothing to offend me. And I'd tell a friend. I had, like, my friend Glencati or Fernie, I'd tell

one of those guys, I said, guess who's got him Rob next who and I tell him they go that oh I knew you were gonna say him fuck him he's getting cocky yeah he's gotta go and we give him like three or four weeks and one night I'll call one of my friends and they go guess who's at the fucking bar he's fucked up and he's talking about he just picked up a kilo who we keep him there that's like a weird action movie like an anti-aventers and we would shoot to his house not listen sometimes we'd have an opening a window I'd have a glass cutter with fucking whatever. No, you wouldn't?

Oh, please. Like one that would go around in a circle? Listen, for a while there, I thought it was Johnny fucking Pink Panther. And I had the sponges that you wash the window down to create the vacuum. Then you put the thing on the thing to, you know, like when you shoot those guns and they have the... They press to the window and you got to pull them out. So I would put water on glass. I would tap it.

I cut the fucking thing with glass cutter. I didn't even know what I was doing. I swear in my mother's grave. Is this different movies? or something? I thought. That's how I thought to learn. Then a friend of mine said, yeah, I'll teach you. We ended up breaking every fucking glass. Yeah, we just broke the fucking window. We had the suction cups

and the whole thing. What did you care? You did? Like a briefcase? Like a little bag? No, like a little bag on our pockets. We wear hooded sweatshirts. We're like fucking, you know, I can't lie to nobody and say, yeah, I was precision. I was that precision. I ended up breaking the glass and put my hand there. You know, and sometimes we just had a window that was open. Sometimes, though,

I just pulled up on a door. and kick that motherfucker down. Like I owned it. Like when I kidnapped Bella, and I went to get the Coke out of Bella's house, I just kicked that door down. Ba-ba-ba-ba-boom! When I walked out, there were people in the whole way.

I didn't even worry about that. Didn't even give a fuck. I just put my head down and get walking. Jesus. Why am I going to keep stop or look up? Just walk out. Ba-ba-ba-ba-boom. How often do you get lucky the other way?

Because I made a huge mistake. yesterday. I didn't, I was fucking elsewhere and I didn't roll my window back up after I got my ticket at the gym and I came up from the gym and my window was just open. And I look, I look, the first thing I did was I looked in the car and on the ground for shattered glass. I thought I got robbed. And I just, I had forgotten to roll it up.

And I had a checkbook and my wallet in there. And I was like, fuck. Like, luckily no one looked like, like, how often did you, would you find stuff like that, like an unlocked car? Nothing at all? Nah, I wasn't, you know, I was, I didn't like fucking dabbing from people who were like, just in the car. Like, I don't know. Oh, okay.

I didn't mind hitting drug dealers because they were out there. Once you start selling drugs, you're out of the fucking boundaries. That's it. You're out of legal boundaries. That's it. Anything goes. People are allowed to shake you down. People are allowed to take your drugs.

That puts you somewhere. You're in a legal game. I wish that was the actual law. No, it's not the actual. law, but it's like the unwritten law. Yeah, I see what you're saying. That's cool. It was very fucking spontaneous. I didn't fucking just walk by and go.

I'm gonna break into this house. God knows. Excuse me, those people are poor. What the fuck's going on up there? So I didn't want to fucking clip people like that. And all that time you had the gun? Sometimes. Yeah, yeah, I had a gun then. I always carried a gun then. How fucking crazy is that? I think of my life,

I would never carry a gun now. you know i have a gun but i would never fucking carry it but just to think that i carried i'm nine millimeter you know how much fucking trouble i got it until he and you never had one shootout or one hey like i pulled the gun a couple you did yeah how does that feel horrible really scary scary scariest things ever did what we got on people because that's it again you're in a different realm

somebody's got a gun on them I got a gun on you, Lee. Anything can fucking happen now. That's a lot of pressure. That's it. That's it. Anything can fucking happen. Oh, my God.

Once you pull a gun on somebody, oh my God, it's the scariest fucking thing in the world. No more Christmas card list. No. Once you pull a gun on somebody, Lee, whether to rob them, whether to pull you're like,

I used to pull guns on coat dealers. I used to like let guys know I had guns. That's bad. Like lift up your shirt? Yeah, like let fucking people. I don't even think about it. I'll blast you right in the fucking, I mean, I was terribly terrible. I think you got all your moves from an actor for, like, movies.

Since you love movies so much. I think you got all your moves. No. Like your brutal moves were like from movies. You got my moves from Juan. Really? Growing up. That's fucked up.

I got a lot of that shit, too. That's why I wasn't that bad at that particular. I knew how to hide a gun the right way because of Juan. You know, I would never put my... Your stepfather, brother. Yeah, I would never put my gun in my fucking strap there. I always carried it between my legs. I would always have like an ankle holster.

No way. Yeah. I had a fucking badass holster for a while. That's how crazy I got. I had the Don Johnson holster with the gun here and it would crisscross your back. No, you wouldn't. And you would have two bullets over.

That was towards the end. What would you think to yourself as you were putting it on in the morning? You're like, yeah, I'm a bad motherfucker. Like, that's why you tweet all that stuff now because if I was putting on like a holiest... Oh my God. I don't know what my heart was thinking. Thank God. You never had to shoot somebody. I really don't have an answer for anybody.

If anybody ever sat me down and questioned me. Yeah. What I was thinking in the morning when I put the holster around, I was thinking today is the day I'm going to get killed. I was thinking today is the day that somebody's going to come and get me for something I did in my youth and I'm going to have to pull this gun and I'm going to shoot it out. Like I was, and I used to go target practice. to go target practice in then once every 10 days I used to clean my gun all the fucking time

yes Lee you have to keep your guns clean I used to take them home spread the newspaper out and take the brush and the fucking things out I was a fucking idiotly did you have it when you had the rocky apartment because that's just the image I have in my head it's just like a rocky apartment no by that time I was done with the rocky apartment I was done after I got arrested for the kidnapped. I came out. I had a few guns and little by little I got rid of them one by one. I still know where two of them are in Colorado and Boulder. If they're even there, if the place got developed and torn down,

the guns got found. Oh, okay. You would hide them in place? Yeah. Yeah. If you go back, would you ever consider going to check just to like see or like send somebody? No, I don't want to even touch the energy anymore. That would be crazy if that, if they were Oh my God, I used to have the, I used to put the shoulder holster on and go out at night with a jacket over at Lee. And I wouldn't let people touch me.

I'd just shake their hands away. One night in like 19, I kidnapped Vela in 87. But in 86, this is when I was really losing it. This had to be October of 86. And by this time, I was gone. I was gone. I had stayed clean for about 16 months

from December of New Year's Eve, 84, till about April of 86. And I started dabbing a little bit like a couple lines here, a couple lines there. I would get high

with Jackie's mother and we, you know, whatever, watch TV or I eat her ass whatever the fuck we're into. And, uh, either one. And I just started doing,

doing more and more blow than Danny B. called me, he called the podcast, and he said that he could get Coke really cheap. He was getting, they were making a ton of money, him and his partner at the time, because they were buying it directly from these Cubans for 800. And I don't say, it came out to like, I don't know what, like they were selling. They were buying like 11 ounce packages and that's what they would sell me. Okay.

They considered selling it to me at first. And I had no money, Lee, and I went to these two guys and I did the math. And with the money I was going to make, I could borrow my money. money from them and pay them interest okay and what I would do is I would tell the people get your money ready for time I'm coming with some great coke and I knew what everybody else was selling it was like three or four other coke dealers and I knew what they was selling so I undercut them price-wise I had a better product and I had a better presentation I left the rock everybody was grinding up coke then and cutting it and

grinding it up and giving it to you grind it up and people would say well people like like that when they go out people like it like that but you give somebody a rock of coke and they see it they lose their mind they come back and buy more. So I was undercutting them on price, $5, which made me lose money in a way, because nobody has a 5 on them. So everybody always gives me 40 and owe me 5. Okay. You follow me? So unless when you came the next time, I go, oh, you owe me 5 from the last time. Give me the 50. There's no change. You follow me? So, but in the end, I lost money for doing that.

I should have just sold Rocky Coke for 50. I could still cut it, but, and that's what I did. So I always knew that as soon as I get the ounces back, I'd sell it on a amount. I go to a guy like you that I know you were buying from something else and I go away buying for an ounce what are you paying for an ounce I'm paying 15 about if I could sell you below for 12 and better than what you're getting I'd still throw a cut on it and I'd still make 400 an ounce at 12 right if I was paying 8 for it yeah so by the time I had the coke back in Colorado I had already sold half of it so all my investors had their money first so the rest of the money was all profit for me so in the way it was good because It then towards the end I kept snorting more and more and more and more and more.

And the more I stored it, the more guns I bought because I was buying guns to take to the East Coast. And on the way back, I would bring the coat. This is crazyness. This is fucking crazy. This is like a fucking horrible part of my life. At the time while I was doing it, number one, I was so stupid because I could have still been locked up. Number two, a thousand things could have happened. And in my mind, Lee, I wasn't doing nothing wrong.

I mean, I was traveling with 12 guns at a shot in a suitcase. with three sweatshirts with boxes of bullets, boxes of bullets, and ten of those fucking holsters. Jesus. I've never done Coke, but you've said it makes you paranoid. How could you have so many guns and never won't shoot at anything?

Well, it goes in cycles because the first couple of years I did blow, I didn't get paranoid, but it's a different, you go in cycles. Then after like three or four, four and a half years, that's when I started getting the paranoia. I started looking.

out of window. You know, I would hear noises. You know, by 86 I was gone. I was hearing noises and the paranoia was growing and that's what made me buy more guns. And I can't, probably from mid-July till November of 86

in Aspen. I had a gun on me all the time, maybe even two guns. I'd have one in the car under my seat, under the passenger seat, and I'd have one on my body. But the cops were watching me

but to rattle me in those days they tried to either bug the house so they broke into I had a house I was house sitting at there was a main house and there was a little house we kept the drugs in the main house the little house where I lived there was no drugs

the scale the drugs the baggies everything was in the main house because the main house I wasn't in there. I was supposed to be in there. If you walked into the main house and went down the stairs, there was like a little boiler room downstairs. I controlled the pool and everything that they had. Behind there,

there were some places where I had the scale and I weighed the Coke. I weighed the Coke. I would lock myself in. It'd be hotter than fuck. From the steam bath and everything, I'd hide all the coke in there. So I think the cops knew what I was doing in there. So they tried to break into my house one night. I got

back and I could see the steps and I could see that the dog would fidget it with. So I assumed it was a certain person. That's dead now. His name is Todd. And I knew that where he was going to be at, there was a party. I'll never forget, this is how crazy I was. I walked in the party without a fucking jacket.

Just holsters out. Just a holster. The gun in, and I took the gun out of the car and walked in there with that in my hand. What the fuck? And I said, where's Todd Bop? And I grabbed them and I got into a little bit of argument. swore to me. It wasn't. He had known me for a long time, and he did.

Todd was a great kid. I always loved Todd's all of my heart. Except for that one moment. Well, I didn't know, but think about all the things that could have happened. What if he would have pulled the gun? Oh, my God. That's the deal with else. What if I would have walked in there? When I was talking to Todd, one of his buddies would have pulled the gun and put it to my

head, and I would have had that gun in my hand and they would have gone off and shot one of the the girls in the house. These are all things that I get up every morning. People always said, man, you're pretty humble. because I get up every morning and I thank the fucking Lord because I remember stories like that. That's what keeps me on my fucking totally shit like that.

I walked into that party with 30 people, Gentiles, not even to make it worsely, and asked for Todd whatever his fucking name was and said, let me talk to this motherfucker with a gun in my hand and a gun in the holster. How much of a fucking Puerto Rican was I? Pretty much of a Puerto Rican. Oh, my God, that's...

That's crazy. That's the shit that makes me fucking sick to my stomach. Oh, God. Let's do some fucking shots. Real quick. Well, you stream is down again? No, it's cool. They went down like twice, but what do you want to do people?

What the fuck you want me to do? It's not even off. We're getting off of it. Who's getting off of it? We are. Oh, shit. Do you think. I want to be around.

Pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks your heart. Some somebody Twice as smart As I A somebody Who Will swear to be true

How cool is it That Damon brought Rita's Italian Ice Last podcast I'm so high right now I'm just thinking Ooh We're going to have Italian Ice again

I went there yesterday To take the baby It was fucking closed Oh I didn't even do the fucking shoutouts What the fuck am I doing? I took my glad. Brandy Lee, you know, I love you. Brandon Lynn called me the other.

I went to call back. You didn't answer. Paul Lynch, cock sucker, you're my man. Eddie Canani. Peter Garcia. Been fucking, we've been going back and forth. I don't know what the fuck that said. Spiral Tip is for you.

Glenn Pashimi, Matthew Seal, and Hash Star. I love you, Coxucker. Houston was great this weekend, man. I had some nice food. I stuck to my fucking points. I worked out. The hotel had an Olympic bar on the bench, so I did all my shit,

my deadlifts and everything. I'm down to 3.0 fucking 9 now. Hell yeah. I lost 16 pounds, so I'm feeling better. Your clothes, looser? Yeah, my clothes are loose. I'm strong.

I feel good. I took the day off of it because I worked out Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I didn't go to Jiu-Too today. I just did some shit this morning. I went to this audition. So everything felt really good. This week I'm in Tempe.

The Agostino's coming with me. Oh, shit. It's going to be motherfucking fun. You know what I'm saying? And what did? What days? Thursday through Saturday? Thursday through fucking Saturday. That's awesome.

You know how we do it, Jackson. How much do you give me? How much did I give you? Does it really matter? Does it really fucking matter? The people at Narekettables put $420 on the rapper, and I thought for a second is a $420 milligram star, but it wasn't. No, you're almost looking at $4.000 fucking $20.

Probably. What does that say to you? I don't know. I'm pretty high myself. You don't think you're fucking special because you're sitting there. You put hash on the pipe that had, like, glass in it. Listen, man. What the fuck was that?

Let me tell you. At 10 o'clock, I went over to this place on Ventura that sells this shit. This is a Gentile store where they're very nice. They have lemon water at the door. There's no Russians working. You know, there's just a Hindu with a new haircut. Right, this little Hindu dude who sits there and all this shit. Oh, this is a new haircut?

I got there at 10 after 10. I told it was going to be packed. They got valet parking. I walked in, I got a gram of regular weed indica. That was pretty good. I got a gram or the sticky that Chinese fucking heroin. The one I Jew wasn't there, he called them sickly. It's 420.

It's a Jewish holiday. It's a Jewish holiday. And then I got a piece of that Master Cush hash, right? And then on the way out, they go, hold on, we got a gift bag for you. I go, gift bag, they go, it's 420. They gave me, oh, my God, they gave me hemp lotion. Another big piece of hash, another big piece of that shit. They gave me a vapor pen that you have to buy the vapor flavors

and just smoke it like the blue cigarette and shit like that. Okay. They gave me an edible, a 60 milligram animal, which I popped right there, 10-10. Of course, why not? And they gave me, oh, they gave me Kiva berries in the bag. I brought the bag to the car and opened it up. And then before I left, there was two dudes giving away free samples.

They gave me a banana, a little piece of banana chip, but the bag is this big, 100 milligrams. I have to eat a bag of banana chips. The guy's like, this is healthier. Go fuck yourself. And there was a guy with brownies, all gluten-free, no-calorie, diabetic fucking brownies. That's what you're looking for.

And it was a little piece, but it was 25 milligrams, so I inhaled that too. So right up to bat, I had 85 milligrams out of me on the walkout. You see what I'm saying? So who's better than me? But there's fucking people. everywhere at these weed stores. Like, what happens today is the people give you free bags,

so people go from store to sore, just signing up, getting fucking stamenca joints. And it's not good shit that they really give you, but at least they make an effort, man. CNN's doing this thing right now about, like, the people who are opening legal stores in Colorado, and they made something like $50,000 the first day or something. And it's just like, if I had a little bit of money,

like, why wouldn't you consider going out there and buying a store? If you listen, if I really enjoy it. Let's get something out of the fucking way, right? Right. Like out of all the evils, I really enjoy marijuana. Rerone is not evil? I really do.

Out of all the evils, whatever habit you may have bad habit, whether it's eating fucking mayonnaise, whatever the fuck you eat. Whoever the fuck you eat mayonnaise. I don't know. But what I'm trying to say is, I like, I like, well, I'm not mayonnaise out of a spoon, you know, and rubbing it all over your body and jumping up and down like the hate fucking juice. Who is that? I'm just saying.

Okay. But what I'm trying to fucking tell you is that All the evils I've really enjoyed marijuana Because for me, and this is since day one, this is day one, man I never dreamt of fucking smoking. It lures you. Once you smoke it, you giggle. You fucking giggle.

It's fun. Who does not like to laugh? Who wants to be miserable all fucking dead? Especially laughing at shit that makes no sense of all in your world when you fucking laugh. Right? And then I found it to be, by the time I was 17, I found it to calm me down,

and I found it to open up my head. If I had a problem, I was feeling bad about something, I would smoke it, and it would help me think out the problem. That's how I looked at it for all those years. But then it became something I smoked when I went to bed, and it really helped me fall asleep. Hell yeah. And then it became something that I smoked in the morning

just to take the edge off the day, Whatever I was thinking would consume me. Remember I told you I had anxiety? I was shit in blood when I was 21. Yeah. That's when I started smoking pot in the daytime, heavy duty, because it rolled out that I wasn't that anxious anymore. I was always an anxious kid.

I could, like, if you told me to be somewhere at 8, I'd get that 7.30 and fucking sweat bullets and be waiting for your fucking, you know. I didn't want to be that guy. I didn't like that feeling. I didn't like being as competitive as that was, that little dumb things, you know. There's some things,

could be competitive at, but there's some things that you have to let live and let live. And that's what Pot took away from me. So that's why I enjoy it. You know, I get it. So for me to sell it at a store, I could really talk to people. I really enjoy it. It wouldn't be money for me. It would be something that I love to get high. I love to talk to people about it. I love to, wouldn't you want to have a store and play music? All fucking day. I have a DJ there just to I play the fucking music. Fuck the DJ. It sounds like fun, but then again, it's also like, It's a great way to make like millions of dollars, which is like it's not a bad at what side.

And listen, I don't have, I have no, I have no ill will about something making a million dollars off me. I don't give a fuck if I buy something. You know, if you want to, that's what you want to do for a living. And you don't go, you know, if you don't give a fuck about getting shot or getting, I know for a fact one of these weed stores are going to get robbed today. Oh, yeah. It's easy.

Easy day today. Yeah. They got their guard down, everybody in this high. They're giggling. The chicks are giggling. I guarantee there's going to be three wheat stores robbed today. There's three knuckleheads. They're going to think, you know, let's get them on 420.

They've been watching the stores since 10 o'clock. All this money, all this cash. Where the fuck is it going? There's got to be somewhere in there. I're giving people bad ideas. No, it's the fucking truth. I got to give people bad ideas. So every time you see a bank rob, that's Joey Dears gave him the fucking idea.

Well, not now. Every time you see somebody fucking punch a gas station attendant now, because I talk about the Freaky Freddy story. You're going to feel, no, no. People are like, gas stations. Listen, that store where I go to, Sonsor Herbal, they already tried to get robbed. Fuck.

They've been there maybe a half a year. There was a guy out there robbing customers. Fuck. You know. Every fucking store that I bought weed at has had somebody trying to fucking be Johnny Pirate. That makes sense. And I've seen them.

I saw him at Cushmore in Hollywood. When they were in the small building, I think somebody was on the show when we were talking about Cushmart used to be in a small building and off this building. It was horrendously bad. They were in a building with dentists. The whole building smelled like fucking weed.

Somebody tried to rob them when they were there, at gunpoint, all of them. And they got caught. Somebody tried to rob Cushmart when they were on fucking Sama. Somebody tried to rob the weed store that was next to Justin Fortune's fucking gym. People always trying to rob those fucking things, man. There's no security in there. It's some fucking guy that's fucking stoned with cameras. You go in there, but see, that's why they get the IDs

and they have the cage. Like if you go to Hollywood, they're fucking tight. They're tight. You have to give them an ID to go in, so they got your ID. So unless you got a fake fucking ID. That means you got to go all the way and get a fake ID, not have any fingerprints on it, because you have an ID.

That's why you don't run right into it. Like the place that was on Magnolia, Santanas. There was no... All you had to do was buzz you, and they buzz you in. You gave the kid the license at the... counter you're fucking he's getting robbed he's getting robbed three fucking guys three gangbangers are going to go in there there there's people that just go from store to store all day check out the security you have to assume when somebody is a new

fucking patient you have to assume they just come in there that's what they do bro how do you think places get robbed lee people see vulnerabilities it's like anything else people coming to your store walk out and go ooh if I was a fucking burglary I'd hit that fucking place that red's money on the register the back window was open, they don't buzz you at the door, that's how it starts. They tell somebody who tells somebody,

who tells somebody, the next thing you know, you're getting fucking robbed, Lee. That's fucked up. That is fucked up. Not as fucked up as you are. Look at you. What do you got playing for tonight?

You're going to pick up, Paul, are eating some Mexican food, or what? No, I don't know. I don't know what I do. Let me fuck. That's great. I know, I was just thinking, like, you know how you said,

like student loans were low interest. Like if I was a student now, you should do that. Just take a student loan out and just buy a dispensary in Colorado. No, you take a couple student loans out and you buy a house because even if the interest rate is what? You're still fucking making money. It's 3%. Okay.

You follow me? So let's say even if you juice the money out, even if somebody comes to you and says, I want to borrow $50,000 a fucking no. What do you go? Okay, man. I'm going to give you 10% a week. You're going to give me $10,000 or $5,000.

a fucking week. That's 500 fucking bucks until the $5,000 is fucking paid off and all. That's your investment right there. A lot of mobsters do that. Like every, let's say a family, right? Let's say like the Gambinos. Okay.

The Gambino's had a chapter of just dudes that loaned money. Okay, at 10%. Who do you lend money to a bank that want a business that doesn't want to borrow from a bank? They got credit and everything. But they just don't want to go to a bank it's a short-term long 50,000 maybe they want to buy some inventory or something like that

I come to you and I go blee you're my captain I got some money I want to push what can you give it to me for you get to me for a point a half I loan enough for six a lot of times when you got out of jail the mobsters will give you 50,000 and give it to you for a half a point I don't know what that means a half a point you have to give them a half a point a week so what's 50,000 what's five points of 50, what's 10 points? points of 50,000 five what's five point to 55,000, 2,500 and what's a point of 50,000 maybe like 600, 500, so you give me 50,000 for a half a point a week and I loan it out for five points a week. I make four points right off the fucking top. So if I lent you 50,000 for five points a week, right?

Right. 50,000, 10,000 is five. You're going to give me 2,500 a week. Right. until you have my fucking 50,000. Plus interest? That's the interest. Okay. You're going to give me $2,500 a week until you have my $50,000 in full. The $2,500, you give me a week as interest.

I'm going to give him $600. I made $19 right off the fucking map by lending you money. Okay. You follow me? So that's why all those type of loans, when they're low interest, you could always do something with it

because you're going to do it at 8%, a 9% or 10%, Not if you're lending money on the street. So you're like a middleman. I feel you. Sure, you're a fucking middleman. And you're still taking something out off the top. That's cool.

For your fucking damages. That's crazy, though. To loan someone else's money? That's messed out. What do you think a bank does? When you go buy a car, when you go buy a car, tonight, Lees Ayat goes to Volkswagen.

And he says, I want to buy a car. They take your credit app and they fax it out there. They do business with eight banks. They email it. out to eight banks six banks are going to come back they're going to try to get the best rate right from the bank so they're going to be anywhere between nine i don't know what the i don't know what the national interest rate is so please don't quote me on this one you fucking buy a car okay and you go to finance department and you go in there and you go hey i got a i got a bank who says the

online don't give me a new car loan what's the percentage 9 percent i got to beat that all right so i'm to take your credit out, and I'm going to send that motherfucker out. And that one bank comes back with seven, I'm going to charge you eight. So I'm going to make a point on this fucking loan. Guess what? A point ain't a lot of money, but if I do 10 of those a fucking week, that adds up, my friend. So how do you get the point? I get the point because the bank gave me the loan at 7%.

You said that if I could beat fucking 8.5, that you do, I'll get your business. I give you the fucking loan at 8% and then they pay you back I just make a point right there So if I do 10 of those a week that's another way of a car dealer makes money They deal with a couple different fucking banks they send your credit application out Somebody buys you for six you just committed because you said 8.5 So I'm still gonna get you for eight I'm not gonna drop under eight I got you with eight if I can get you under eight and a half Yeah, okay I'm gonna make two points on you You dig, cocksucker?

I'm telling you. You learned something to everything. I didn't know this either until I sold fucking cards. It's all a scam. It's not all a scam. People got to make a fucking living.

Everybody's got to make a fucking dollar somewhere, you know what I'm saying? I know, but it seems like everyone's finding new ways to charge people for stuff. What do you do? When you wake up in the morning, you don't want to charge people,

you're going to work for free? No, I don't want to work for free, but I don't want to work for free, but I don't want to work for free, but I, I almost had to fly somewhere a couple weekends ago. Fly somewhere. Fly somewhere.

Okay. And I spent all day at the airport, and I would have missed three connections. And I had a hotel booked, at a car rental booked. So that's a lot of money lost if I can't get there. Right. The airline does nothing. Like, it's hard to get to anyone on the phone. I spend hours in line waiting to talk to somebody.

But if I want to stay in extra, hour, I have to pay 200 just to even think about changing my flight. And now, because tickets are more expensive, I have to pay what the difference in the fare is. It doesn't seem fair. And you fly every week. You must deal with it

constantly. It's a cost to do business. You got to fly. And that's why they can do it. You have to fly. They have you over a barrel. You know, you pay for the hotel room ahead of time. That's your fucking folk walk.

a momo you don't pay for nothing you just make the reservation and you cancel from the airport and that's it you make the reservation right they'll take your credit card number but sums don't some of them don't they just take the reservation then you pay when you get there you give them your credit card and they pay you bang the hotel in the fucking way out don't you think that's smart a cut something right now he's trying to save money right there sure so what you end up dropping for that three bills yeah to be a fucking mommo yeah it's okay you live and you learn you'll never do it again no well you'll never fucking do it it again see that's how they get you

they just swallowed 300 fucking dollars and they don't have the decency to say we understand your situation and they never even called that's a fucked up thing the hotel never called once I called from the airport when I thought I was just going to be delayed once and I was like first like

they didn't even answer the phone they picked up but they were like having a party and then they like when they finally picked up I was like oh I'm going to be late they're like okay and I was like do you want my name or anything like nah we don't really care who cares they're gonna swallow the fucking though

a lot of you people at home today thought this was gonna be like a 420 fucking mo mo get together smoke it on we ain't like that we smoked the bowl outside oh my god I'm so high we smoked a bowl outside we had a couple pieces of fucking edible just a couple pieces like of apple I can't even help my eyes

this is a new star that we cracked into anarchy edibles always throwing fucking heat representing always like we took the one fucking star it's not uh what's that song Twinkle, twinkle You can't sing the fucking song For this star no more

Plus we ate a buck 25 outside Plus I ate a whole fucking Cheebatoo A buck 80 What you think you're dealing with people You know what I'm saying? I've been living 4 fucking 20 for the last 30 years Get your clock fixed bitch What's up Lisa I had?

That is a very long but a great shirt What? I've been living 420 for 20 for 20 years Look at your clock face bitch It's a fucking clock face bitch That's a great one Until 420th when I moved out here Ralphie Mae told me

It's 4.20. I didn't even know. Who's who waits to 4 o'clock to smoke dope anyway? Only something moron. And my world is fucking 6.30 a.m. 6.20. That's the time I was smoking this morning. I got fucked up this morning. That's why I went back to that place

to get more of that fucking Chinese glass. Heroin opium we got you smoking this afternoon, which was delicious. I know you enjoyed it. Don't bullshit me. And people out there like to smoke and they make fun of me for getting this high. When you say you were smoking at 6.20 in the morning, you weren't smoking like a light joint. Like to just get the day start.

I'll step lightly. You'll probably put hash on there. Everything. Like the audition was at one, though. Oh, my God. I had to write. I had to go right. So I wanted just to be nice and bait.

So I got up early. I did some writing. I got on Facebook. I fucking had a nice breakfast. I went for a nice walk. I came back and I got sizzled. Well, hold my line. I got sizzled before the walk.

I can't lie. I got fucked up to the gills before the walk. I came back and I got fucked for two hours. I went over my audition. Then I shot down to this fucking, I came to a couple of weed stores, and I came to see my main man Lisa. And some of the beautiful people in the church are what's happening?

No, what the fuck you want from me? God suck. That sounds like a good day. We didn't have a guest today, because what's the fucking difference? It's 420. I didn't want to mess around and ask somebody questions. Maybe they don't want to smoke pot or whatever the fuck they are.

So fuck the guest today. We'll resume again with guests on fucking Wednesday. day. Then next week we're doing three podcasts for you next week. Oh, cool. Yeah. I can't feel my lips. We got secret fucking guests. Look at this fucking guy. Can't feel his lips. You're like a hooker at 5 in the morning. She can't feel the lips because you suck fucking 18 dicks. What are you going to do, cucks up? This week, Tempe, Arizona. I'm very excited. I haven't been the last time I was in Tempe. Was it the Flying Jew.

He went to the fights this weekend. What are you waving for? What do you want? I don't know. What are you? What's the matter with you? You're all right? No. I love this fucking kid. No, look at them. What do you got playing for the week? Oh, it's a lot of work.

Consulting, you like this consultant. I mean, Lee, look, let's face it. You know a lot about podcasts. You know a lot about that. I was talking to him from the Improvs today. And I was talking to him about marketing. We were talking about comics and what comics are doing and what he finds.

He hires Facebook ads and everything. And I was saying, guys, I know nothing about marketing. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I know dick about nothing. Whatever you guys learned that, cool for four years. I can't tell you. I don't know. But I've learned something completely different the last four years. I know I have, you know? And so have you. You've seen trends. You know, when I was doing beauty and the beach, she released on Friday. Who the fuck downloads on Friday? And by Monday, Bill Burke comes along. Fuck, Joey did. You know, there's so many little things

that enhance your podcast. It's like when you go to Jiu-Jitsu and you learn to move and somebody comes and says, put your knee closer to their ear for some. side control or when you do the Camara, put your knee, you know, that's just so, put your hand on, by his ear or your elbow, that's what it is, the elbow by his ear when you're pressing down. They just help you. They just enhance you. You know, there's a lot of people that are starting a podcast right now and you're, hey, it's

like anything else in life, you know. How do you start standing up comedy? You see somebody on stage and you say, I'm funny in him. How do you get into fighting? You look at somebody that's fighting. You go, I can beat his fucking ass. Same thing happens with podcasting. There's a lot of people probably listen to this podcasting.

I could probably do a fucking better job. And you sit down and you get the equipment or what you think works and guess what? Once you start testing the equipment, it's just not going to work. So what do you got to do? You got to pack that shit back up. You need to mail it back to fucking Amazon

or go back to the guitar center and start from fucking scratching until you find what works. It's a fucking process. Okay? What Lee provides is just letting people know what things to get. It's like nanotech and we were talking to them.

And they told us to get, we wanted to get a set of cameras, and they told us to get different sets of cameras. These are the things we learned. What would have happened if you would have bought the other cameras? They wouldn't have worked for this. Okay, so there's so many little things that you learn about you. It's like if I, if, uh, if my toilet fucking clogs up, we all know how to declog a toilet, how to decong a toilet,

and how to get a snake and do it, whatever the fucking is. I don't know how to do that. But after a while, you know what, man, there might be something that somebody might come in for the 50 bucks and just do and take care one time and it won't happen again. That's the things we've learned and that's the things I've learned through the podcast like when not to release, what to talk about,

what subjects, not to fucking talk about. You know, what type of people to bring on to interview, you know, like when you're looking at somebody, there's a lot of people that I can bring on the fucking show. But I'll tell you, man, I talked to them in public and I don't think we'll fucking jizz. So why would I bring them on the fucking show and insult you guys that these are the moves you learn?

Instead of just, you know, I bump into a thousand fucking people a day. I bump into a thousand people a week that I could go up to and go, hey man, how about the podcast? A lot of people are just going to be a pain in the ass. They're not going to show. They're going to tell me they want to do it in the last minute.

Their mother died or like that got hit by a fucking lawmower or some shit. So fucking. Yeah. I just know what people are going to work out. So sometimes I rather put, you know, I'd rather put somebody on that relationship on than just some fucking guy that, you know, I bump into on the street that's been in a band or something like that,

that I may know him from his, music but I don't really fucking know who he is. I'd rather not even bring him on here because I don't know him. I'm not going to get the best out of him for you, you know what I'm saying? Right. What's up, Lisa, yeah? No. So I like what you're doing.

I like the service you're providing. I believe in it. You know, I hope that if they're going to start a podcast, you contact the flying Jew and you, tell him, ask him for advice. And it's just, I did a little research, like I was thinking about doing it. Like, I had thought about doing it for a little bit, and then some guy actually tweeted at me and said maybe I should like write a book but

I like I when I typed in podcast consultant there's tons of them there's all the podcast gurus and and and king of podcasts but but do they have a podcast well that's that that's the thing

I'm not gonna be I'm not the best audio guy I'm I feel like I get good audio but I don't know everything that I should do we still get people put the compressor up but who gives a fuck go death But I have a basic knowledge of it. But I have hundreds and thousands of hours of just, like I learned, I tried new mics this weekend.

They didn't work. Now I do have to return them. But it's just, I didn't realize until today when I did my first one how much, like, it takes a lot. There's a lot of steps. And it's still so new that there's not really a guy to follow. So, like, I just, I just thought it would be cool. I don't know how many individual people are going to start them. That's great if you want to.

But I'm thinking about trying to do like businesses or like TV shows as like marketing tools because it's such an inexpensive way to do it. Well, this is what the podcast is. Right. It's a marketing tool for people who you have three different departments. You're hitting with this. You get the person who wants to express themselves and what they really think. I always thought that this would enhance my career in the sense.

So at least people know where I was fucking coming from. They wouldn't just judge me from the stage or whatever stories. They heard, you know, little stories go around. Too, yeah, you want to market yourself. You want to help to get out there. As a TV show, it would be fucking great to talk about what you want. You know, there's people like me that are nerds that like those little fucking things about TV. You ever watch Pop Up on AMC?

They have like a move. Let's say they're going to put on under siege. That's the name of the Steven Segal movie when he takes over the ship? Sure. I don't know. I have no idea. Then they have a six or six. o'clock and then eight o'clock the eight o'clock is just the movie but the six o'clock is the

director's cut with with little pop-ups when Steven Sigal did this scene he broke his rib he couldn't shoot for three weeks you know when they hired her they really wanted what's her name but she fell on the last moment they hired this girl I like those tidbits about a movie if you're a movie buff yeah you know that's what I think would help if like they did one with sons of Anakin it was horrifically bad afterward I don't want to see, watch a son's anarchy. What I want to do is watch the TV show Wednesday night and getting my car Thursday morning

and as I'm driving to work here, commentary on the show I've seen. Or at the end of a film, this is what I like. At the end of a film, a movie, like last week, Paul Blart got released. Right. Right. So if you want to see Paul Blart on the way out, somebody gives you a little card that says if you want to hear commentary, listen to the Lowe's movie commentary podcast

and they'll talk about that movie the other movie that came out about the chick that's 2,000 years old and everybody saw a Disney movie that came out this week and then another one about the one that's the movie that made the billion dollars too fast, too furious seven

yeah 14 too bad too bad too bad too man whatever the fuck that that would be a tremendous idea yeah if I went to see a fucking movie and on the way out, somebody gave me a car, and I could go in my car and go to some stereo station or something, press a button,

and download that fucking podcast so I could hear what, you know, Don Johnson's wife, I'd say about 50 shades of gray, was that a real finger-up arrest, was it a prosthetic, whatever fuck happened, you know what I'm saying? And then I hope I don't get even more work,

but to me, the fact that all comedy clubs don't have a podcast, that's not only, that they haven't, but that, like, sometimes they'll cut, like, I've heard stories of you going and you're doing it while you're there. That's, that's the stupidest thing in the world. If, if I owned a comedy club, all these comedians are doing podcasts. Have you called in a week before?

And, and people will listen to a comedy club's podcast because they should be having good comics coming in. The fact that they do it while you're there defeats the purpose. I know. Well, this is where you're consulting fucking firm comes in, Coxuff. Don't tell me. We'll see. I know the fucking deal. Don't be bothered.

Let me give a shout out to some sponsors here. Onit.com. Optimization to the fucking fullest. I got a big box in them last week. I want to thank Orlando Rios. And I'll tell you what, their products are fucking better than ever. That Shroom Tech is on fire last week. And they get me through those two workouts Friday and Saturday and Sunday up there in

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Iron Dragon TV is going to solve it for you. Not to mention pretty soon we're going to start doing commentary for them. So if you go to Iron Dragon TV, I'm going to give you a movie of the week, a movie of the month, something. I'm going to start that soon, all right? So go to Iron Dragon and press in. Joey. There you go. Nailed a life, you vaporhead motherfucking tort smoking cock suckers.

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That's your 420 edition. I hope you smoke and giggle and jump up and down but what's the abuse that's what we do every day you think I'm just gonna do this shit once a day like new year's go fuck you so I smoke every day I'm part of the culture baby this is the culture you know why because it keeps me fucking sane I get it together I get focused when I fucking go over my lines I get focus my comprehension gets better and this is nothing that the government knows this is that helps me fuck the government they just think they got these scientists

I'm telling you what works for Uncle Joey, okay? Same thing. They say, oh, if you have pain, put that shit on there, don't numb the pain. If you smoke pot, it'll get your mind somewhere else and you forget about the pain. That's what the weed does. Besides that, I want to thank my main man, Lysayat.

I want to thank honor.com, iron dragon TV, Nailed at Life.com, and my main man over at HiddySigs.com. Please support these people. They support us. I want to thank my main man, Lisa, and I want to thank you guys, the guys that came out to Houston.

I love you. And for you, motherfuckers, I'm going to see in Tempe. We're going deep this fucking weekend. You understand me? Get to Agostino high. The Agostino will get high. He got high one time and he puked. He was full over.

I gave banana bread. He started him off with banana bread? Oh, that's evil. He was at one of the clubs and it was there. And he goes, let me pick it up. And that's what happens. All right, we'll be back Wednesday, 4 o'clock. I love you guys.

Thank you very much for, uh, watching the church today. Stay black and stay beautiful. This is one of my oldies. I'm going to play for you guys right now. This is Taking Care. I used to listen to this before I used to go to English Town, New Jersey. It used to be a converse place. I used to stitch up Converse sneakers.

I used to go down there, listen to this and jump out and jump in the dumpster and take out a regular fucking sneakers. The name of the song is Taking Care Mother fucking business. Hit it, Lee. Should I do the end? Yeah, do the fucking ass.

Okay. Yeah, you got crazy when that song came on. Fuck yeah, that's my jam, brother. What you think of it's old school. Go to Anandot.com. Use co-word church to get 10% off of your order of all the great optimization products. Go to Iron Dragon TV.com and use Code Word Joey

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