The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #276 - Eleanor Kerrigan, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 23, 2015

Eleanor Kerrigan, Comedian and is featured on The Blue Show, This Friday @11 P.M. on Showtime, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. 
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Recorded live on 04/22/2015.
 Music:
 I Can't Go For That - Hall and Oates Stranglehold - Ted Nugent

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Little haul of notes for you motherfuckers. You're like, who's hauling notes, Joey? What's with the questions, bitch? Two white dudes out of Philadelphia throwing fucking heat. Oh shit. It's the church of what's happened now. Lysayat in the house. Eleanor, the Irish woman in the house.

Oh shit. Ticketly. There's a little blue shirt on today. Joey loves this shirt for me. Every time I wear it, he gets really excited. I was laughing during the break. Because when we were kids, I used to go to this buffet with this. fucking hilarious Irish dude.

And it was a Monday nights. It was in Kearney, New Jersey. It was the town before Carney on that same strip. And we would, you know, the first couple times I didn't know the whole breakdown of it. But after a while, the breakdown was you ate a little breakfast and you ate a little lunch. Then you smoke dope the rest of the afternoon. And you went there at 8 o'clock, 7.30, and you destroyed this fucking buffet. And one of the guys did not smoke.

I'll never forget that people be online talking like you know two women oh my god look at the shrimp I'll take one I'm allergic to shrimp can I tell you what happened on the seaside last year I had a shrimp and I got sick and then the other lady chimes in no no that's because you had shrimp at the beach coma you should have gone to this other place joey's lagoon they have the best shrimp no really yeah they give you fire and they're talking and my friend will pull up next one and go take your time and they would just fucking look at them and get aggravated and he would say little things Things like that. The one time he asked later, look at her ass.

Before you touch that rib, go look at your ass. Ask yourself, do you need that rib? You ask me that all the time. Oh, my God. All the fuck. Once he said that, I died. I loved that. I died.

But we were laughing because that's what he'd say. Thank you time. And he'd say it. So nonchalantly that you would feel bad. You knew where he was coming from. There's nothing worse than when you're high, and then someone's taking a long time out of a restaurant. Oh, you know it.

You know it when you see them. You're like, oh, there's going to be a fucking nightmare. Even if you're not high. even if you're just hungry. That's infuriating. Listen, here's my magic. Here's my magic. So as they come with the fucking thing.

You gotta know. And they give me the menu. I don't want to hear no stories. When he comes back with the water, you better give him the whole fucking order because I'm giving him my fucking order. I already know what I mean. I don't have time to wait.

No, no, come back in 10 minutes. Oh, fuck yourself. I'm ordering this shit right now. There's no dilly dally. You're not a big specials person? No. Tell me about your specials. Does that come with Brown?

Listen, just give me with the fuck. fucking car you. I can't deal with that shit. Some people are just stupid. They deserve. I went to this thing. I went to the zoo today. And the way out of the zoo, it's on Victory Boulevard. My wife goes, let's just get some Cuban food to bring it home. I called Lee twice. He didn't answer the phone because he was at a meeting because my wife left the phone at home. And she didn't know how to tap into my internet to get the guy's number so we could eat it. So we had to go there and order the food. When I walked in and ordered the food, there was these four fucking Chinese people standing there. I don't even know if they looked like Chinese people.

It's a problem right there. And they ordered food. And then when I left with Mercy for 15 minutes, I came back saying people, and they're standing in the doorway. And I'm like, guys, what the fuck? Get out of the doorway. Yeah. Like, I got to tell you to get out of the doorway. Yeah. Like, they just look at you like mad. They don't know what they're doing.

And it's like, get the fuck out of the way. You should have sat down and ordered it. You could have ordered it. Well, we're waiting. What the fuck? Who are you waiting for? Fuck them. Fuck them if they're not here.

I ain't got time to wait. They know the time. Yeah, because they do lunchtime is 12 o'clock. That's right. Not 12, 16, not 12, 18. That means you order your food and fuck them If it was their restaurant they would have kicked you out Yeah, no, no, no.

It drives me fucking crazy when people fuck around in a restaurant I need to invent something that you can just see what I'm seeing Because I went to the grocery store with Paul a couple weeks ago And we went to the deli counter And this woman was standing at the deli counter And she says, ooh, what's Gouda? I've never had Gouda before. Can I have a little taste of it?

And she sat there and went through like literally six or seven cheeses And we just left and we came back. later but I just like that's what I miss about not like having you there just so I could just see you like my dream reality show is just sitting you down and like with like the wrist thing so you can't

move and just having somebody be like what's this Gouda? You want to see me get aggravated? Go with me to a camera of the Jersey mics. That's what my aggravation comes in. Full fucking bore. The first guy that puts bacon on a turkey sandwich I want to stand one.

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Because when was the last time you got a club sandwich in Jersey? It don't exist. Now they do. Yeah. When I was growing up, there was no club nothing. There was no turkey club. I don't eat it. That's not a jerk. Yeah, I don't eat that shit. Why would you have a chicken cheese steak? You're insulting me if this is Jersey mics. Why would you have a chicken cheesecake? And shame on you, if you're all the chicken cheesecake. You know what? If you got a chicken cheesecake, you got a bad heart, I hope you die anyway. You should have the beef. That's what a cheese steak is. A cheese steak does not have fucking chicken in it, okay? I don't know what fucking planet you're from.

but they insult the whole thing. They're lucky. I've lightened up over the years. Yeah. And I got no dignity no more. Well, we have to give in to these idiots. I go in there, I get turkey and the provolone on the fucking wheat bread, or I get the tuna on the salad. But every time I go in there, first of all, there's 15 people behind the counter.

And 14 of them are just morons. And the dumbest one is the one he puts behind the lettuce, which is the most special station. He's got a guy with a diamond tattoo on his fucking forearm. Who puts a diamond tattoo on their fucking four? Right there, you know the guy's born to fucking lose. Put him in the kitchen. Put him by the metal in the back. That guy ain't got a chance.

He never had a chance this day one. A fucking diamond on his forearm. Just a diamond. No, no, live a life. No shine on crazy diamond. No nothing. Just a diamond. Like, you know what?

I want a diamond on my forearm. You know what? Even the tattoo guy looked at him like, oh, this guy's a fucking moron. Yeah, just take his money. That's right. This guy, and there's 19 people behind the counter. Listen, I don't know nothing about nothing, but I know about labor. I don't know about Seacock as labor.

You put two fucking guineas behind the counter an Irish dude, and they'll outdo subway and Jersey mice on their own. And one of those little midget, fat Italian mothers that's back there yelling with the apron throwing meatballs. People with a wooden spoon. She don't write something down. She's never got an order wrong in her life. Okay?

She's never got an order wrong in her life. She just looks at her and goes, what's next? Let me get a turkey. What do you think I should have? Listen, I'm not fucking giving out fortunes today. Have your cheese ready. Who's next? You know, they just bang it out.

They just bang it out. You can't go in there and say, what's good? This is Seacquarkis. Well, Seacucus is in the fucking city, a beautiful state of New Jersey, and Jersey Mike's hails from fucking New Jersey. So when I go in there, I always got to see these Gentiles ordering the,

and I feel like going, come on, die. Mike's Way. Mike's Way, don't good on fucking turkey. Mike's Way only goes good on fucking roast beef. Rose Beef has the Mike's Way, who they stole from Blimpy. I used to get the Mike's Way Rose Beef at Blimpy.

86th Street in New York City. I don't think Blimpie's around anymore. They still have one on, I think it's Moore Park in Laurel Canyon. I remember, I knew it as an adult, but not as a kid. A Blimpy base. Really? I think so, I'm not sure. We got to Google that.

I'll do some research because I don't want to. I don't want to turn you down. No, Blimpy base. No, it can't be any good no more. Well, we had like hoagie shops in South Philly. So I don't remember, like, none of chains I didn't notice until I left. I don't remember chains as a kid. I wouldn't go to a chain if I lived in the Eastcom.

Yeah, McDonald's and Burger King. That was normal. a special treat and KFC. Yeah. And we also had Gino's. You remember Ginos and Roy Rogers? Gnos was Burger King and, uh, Yes.

And, and Kentucky Fried Chicken put together, Lee. No way. Yeah. Yeah. I remember Gino's. And you had Jack in the Box, but that was in Queens and the Bronx. I never had Jack in the Box. I used to go to Jack and the Bronx in the Queens and the Bronx.

Like I went like two times. I got fishing chips one time. It was fucking hard. And that was the last one with the Jack in the Box. Like I didn't know. I was a kid. Yeah. You can get fish anyway.

There's one in downtown and there's one in Calabasas. Really? A blimpie? Yeah. What's their menu? Let's look. Number nine is the roast beef I think. You know what?

These are not off the top of your head? If that comes up. I have not gone into a Blumpy base. I have not gone into a Blumpy base in 20 fucking years. At least I can't. It looks good. It's the original. It's the original.

Oh, look. They have wraps too. They've evolved. Flatbread. They don't have numbers up here, unfortunately. Yeah, I think they stop. I think they stop. They're trying to fit in with those.

If they have flat breads and fucking... What is a flatbread? I'm not sure. I think they made that up. They just flatten it and they make people feel good about themselves. Hit me with the menu. No, you got... See, this is how crazy you are.

You got the exact right for the... Mike's Way for the roast beef and provolome with tomatoes, lettuce, lettuce, onion, vinegar, and oil and oregano. What the fuck are you going to tell my business to it, Lee? Who the fuck you're going to tell my... My business is food. My business is food, movies, and refurb.

Bo, getting your dick sucked. That's my business. I don't know nothing about stars and fucking meteors and the next civilization. And what happened 3,000 years ago and the lion who attacked the Martian. Or LinkedIn. Yeah, LinkedIn. These people want to be your friend on LinkedIn. What is that?

Some dude who I fuck. No, I just erase the message. I get them all the time. Three, four a day from people that I hate. Dave Tyree. People I've heard from a years. Now they're all on a professional network. You haven't worked in four fucking years.

Go to fucking broke.net and look me up. You're going to go on fucking Lincoln to hang out with other social people who are actually doing something and you're going to bring that touch of debt to the fucking webpage. All those web pages start great until the kisses of death get on there. Dane Cook became a star on Myspace. I get on MySpace, boom, it goes kaput. You know, a kiss of debt gets on and it's over. You were to kiss a death of my space?

Yeah, I killed Myspace, me and a couple other fucking people. So good. Thank you. Now they're about to kill fucking Facebook. Anything now, Facebook is dead. Facebook is dead. Do you think so? You think it's good.

Yeah, I can see it coming already. It's Christian. They got ads. Oh, yeah. My mom liked something. Yeah, that's the biggest thing. Now she gets letters from Jesus all the time. And she goes, how am I going to dislike Jesus?

Twitter is great. Listen, they're all great. Every medium that's going to come up, it's going to be better than the next one. You know, I'm just, you're all waiting for that. I'm surprised Facebook lasted as long as you did. You know, Instagram's going for it. They don't fuck around. Oh, Instagram, too.

I stink at Instagram. Man, I got to do it more. I can't do it. The biggest problem with Facebook is just that people's families are getting on there now. That's why I don't really go on Facebook anymore because when I started selling Flying Jew t-shirts, my aunt, who's 50-something, bought a Flying Jew t-shirt, and I wanted to kill myself. Why, she bought it? Well, yeah, it was very nice. Did she tell you mom?

Yeah, they all know about it. And what they say? I told you, my mom can't get past your part of the opening of the podcast, so she hasn't seen a minute. Thank God. She just, you're opening, just, she gets all flustered in, too many swears. So she's never made it past an opening. Too many swears. Oh, yeah, thank God.

She eats Federuccini Alfredo. I don't want to listen to the podcast. Everyone eats Fettingi Elfrey. Not past 10. When you ate, you eat that shit. I've got cream and you eat it. Once you're 15, you realize you're eating. Somebody's eating lunch right now and eating Fetititina.

I hope they died. I hope you choke on that. That cream sauce is too creepy for me. Next thing you know, you're constipate. You should have the myronara. It goes right through you like a fucking rope. Get heartburn like a person. We just found that you swallow a gum.

I've been swallowing gum since I was four. And sometimes I shit them whole. When I swallow them, I swallow them like a little ball. Like I practice like smuggling. Like you make it hard. Yeah, I make it hard. I make a little ball so I shit it right out. And every once in a while, like I eat too much gum and my system won't process it.

So I drop. I'll just take, and I told you, I'll pull. Like I go to wipe my ass. And then something is like a string of bubble gum. I think it's like, you know, when you're like, When it gets stuck to your shoe? Yeah, no. You bite into a marinerra and you pull the cheese.

And there's a cheese string. I've had little strings of bubble gum in my asshole and I just wrap it up. Or they get caught up in your pubic hair. You get caught up. You got a little piece of bubble gum in your asshole hair. Oh, no. And then it dries up in the middle of night because it's dry in the room. Wait, well.

You wake up in the morning. You wipe your ass. You wipe your ass. Not a lot of bed. Don't wipe their ass. I don't lie. I wipe my ass. The problem is.

Wait, you take three showers a day, but you don't check to see if there's bubble gum in your ass all hair? Well, this is your fucking story. Sometimes you're wiping it on the wipe, the bubble gum gets stuck into your pubicers, and it pulls a little bit. You're too tired. You're like, I'm not going to deal with this later. I'll deal with it in the morning.

So you go to bed and there's a little, tiny little piece of bubble gum connected to one of your pubicators. They've got to get up in the morning and work the pressure up and rip it out, like an eyebrow, like with tweezers. You can't go up to somebody. Yeah, you can't go up to somebody and go, hey, man, rip this off because why do you have bubble gum in your ass? or why do you have a little piece of juicy fruit? Because it doesn't, they even smell it like when you rip the hair out

and you can still smell the gum, but it's like a little mixed with shit and intestines. You should put peanut butter on there. It'll take it out faster. Please tell me you don't smell the gum. You bet your ass. I hope you do. You bet your ass.

You bet your ass I do. I'm a nasty fuck, Doug. Are we all, though? Anything comes out of your ass, you're going to smell it. If you should have shoe, okay, you're going to smell it. You never should have a peanut out of the ass. Like, you would take the shit and you see a peanut, you dig it out?

Yeah. Wait, no, you dig into the bowl? Why not? It's like the exorcist. No. The other day, I dropped my e-cigarette in the bowl after I pissed. No, he did it. I took it out, wiped it down.

I fucking, yes, I did. You're making decent money. Just buy another e-cigarette. I'm not in the mood to leave the house right now. You're saying, I've got to leave the house. That's a complete different story. You have all these, like, insane rules. Like, no bacon on turkey, no avocado, no eggs on burgers.

But an e-cigarette in the toilet bowl, you're like. It's all right. My piss. Bacon on everything. I love that you don't like baking on. on turkey. I just saw yesterday they're putting it in sushi. Isn't that the wrong thing? They're putting it around pizza.

I can't. I know. They're sick. That's not Domino's. It's a little Cesar. Oh, yeah. That's right. I've never been there. Around the pizza. No, I know you've never been there. But you've been up poor fucking night scratching your head thinking how you get it sent to lay next door. And hopefully she's sleeping so you can mug the fucking pizza man and get your little pizza without nobody knowing. God's like with all paperwork.

Do you eat bacon? Fuck yeah. I eat turkey bacon. That pises them off. Oh, yeah. That's disgusting. Who is turkey? This is what I'm saying. Then they go to Subway and I had a I had a pastrami. That's not pastrami.

That's turkey fucking meat. Even the cheese is made on a turkey. All the co-cuts at Subway are made from Turkey. Not the cheese, but yeah. No, all the co-cuts. Even if it's pepperoni, it's really turkey. It's turkey based. It's turkey based.

Everything at Subway is turkey. How do you do that? I don't understand. Listen. All right. Just think about this. Think about how good it could be for you. If you take something that's white,

put it in a fucking grind and then make it look like salami. How good can it be for you? Well, did you see that picture people sent us? Oh, yeah, about the roast beef that was green. Yeah, I wouldn't need a... Where's that? Like, uh, uh, Arby's that, Subway. Oh, Sabby. This is this dude who worked at Subway.

Arby's isn't even Rose Beef no more. It's human meat. Oh. It's human meat, I think. It's like some guy they cut up. Because this is it really liquid? A friend of mine used to work there and he said it was liquid. Like, they poured it into something and then it turned into that. And I was like, what?

And I think I ate it a couple times when I was a kid. Delicious. Yeah. With some moisture. And that cheese. Yeah. And the cheese weren't bad. And El Paso.

I used to always go to Arby's because it's cheap. You only get $300 for the week. You got to buy blow. You got to live on something. That's true. That's got the answer. Arbys and Waterburger. When I grew up, they had a ton of places to get like hot rose beef sandwiches.

That were great. They don't have. Did they have that in Jersey or was that? Yeah. Okay. Mixed roast beef. Philly. A nice sandwich.

Oh, shit right there. Dipped in the fucking oil. dipped in the gravy sometimes or they put the meat on the side. Fucking delicious that shit. Very nicely. I do stand up at Nick's roast beef because my brother runs it in Springfield. I'll sit right in the suburbs of Philly and he pays me in beef fries. What are beef fries?

It's just the roast beef on French fries with the gravy. It's carnitas for white people with it. Sounds delicious. That's what roast beef is right? Cornetis for what you like carnita fries, right? Cornetia sod. You'll call it. Gardena and sada.

You'll give a finger for those cornice son You have to see his face how he tells you Yeah Oh they're amazing What's better than steak French fries and cheese And then like sour cream and guacamole on top How can you beat it?

Oh my God How can I beat it with a heart attack That's how I can't eat it anymore But I can think about it Why can't you eat it anymore Because I've been trying to lose weight Oh Look how he says

I'm trying to lose weight I am What do you want? Everyone knows You love that shit though Hell yeah Who doesn't Everyone loves them.

I mean, you wouldn't eat them? You would eat them. Yes, you would. Not with guacamole. I hate guacamole. What? None of that shit. Oh, wait.

Do you not eat something that's green? I don't eat a lot of things. I think we were talked about this last time you were on. I hate green, yeah. You don't eat lettuce? Only spinach. Really? That's the only one I like.

I can't eat iceberg lettuce. I'll fight somebody if I put that. You like iceberg lettuce? No, I hate it. Hate it? Yeah, it's awful. It tastes like crackers. with water. I don't know. It's gross.

Iceberg lettuce when it's and it smells too. When it's got that. I hate that. When it's got a sandwich like two in it with a lot of iceberg. I could snap from something like that. Really? I like that's a lot. Do you like the wedge salad? I can see you liking a wedge salad. I never got it.

I don't get it. It's a piece of fucking thing with blue cheese on the side and bacon. I got to cut it with a thing. And if you eat it, you feel like a fucking savage because you shouldn't eat it. It's this big on your goddamn fork. So. Such a weird reason. Some people, some places give, you know, they're not bad.

I guess. Eleanor, you got a big fucking thing coming up this week. Yes, I'm excited. Friday. I went back to my house last night after I bombed at the store and I thought about you. Bomb. Oh, at the store. I'm sorry.

I didn't see you at the store. I saw you at the laugh factory. You killed. But it was funny because I just thought of the whole process. Like I was watching something and I remembered just something. Remember Georgia Jean? Okay. So, uh, okay.

This whole thing's got me riled up the last three or four years. It started with that fucking moron from, uh, and I'm saying it like this. I don't even give a fuck no more. The guy from letterman that got fired for saying the thing about the chicks. Did it bother me? I mean, I know who it is. I mean, that guy's never sort of a funny fucking thing in his life. So for him to say that women, you know, whatever, I'm not, I don't pay attention.

Oh, women aren't funny. Right. Right. Right. I don't pay attention to that stuff. I never really have. Yeah. And I don't know.

Listen, I got my own problems with women, like, oh, I'm bitches, whatever the fuck. You know, everybody knows I'm fucking around. I got a heart. All that other shit, feminism. I don't know anything about that shit. I don't know nothing about that, you know. I think I know how everybody is and how everybody should feel. But one thing about last night that stuck out in my mind was that last night, Eleanor did a show with four fucking guerrillas.

This is true. And when I walked in there, she was sitting with another girl, as calm as can be. she wasn't drinking she didn't have a stupid story and how she had to go up first because she had to showcase somewhere else and she had leave there weren't three girls

with her drinking in there considering, you know, like some girl comics consider when they go on stage like a fucking party. Yeah, yeah. You just went down there, they just set and got the fuck out of there. You gave Dommer right home.

And then you had a spot at the store because I left before you came. And I was thinking about Georgia Jean. Now here you all that's time with me, red band, Rogan, Don, you know. And I had to follow Joe Diaz, by the way, which not easy. And you didn't complain.

I loved it. You didn't say nothing. And I'm thinking about Georgia Jean, and she said something. And she said once in a, there was some argument on stupid Facebook. And I'll tell you, you know, I read my comments. But on the other side, the homepage, I never really read those comments. Yeah. But I got caught in a conversation.

Two idiots were considering about women comics. Okay. And Georgia Jean, who I really liked, you know, she never bought him. The Australian girl, right? Australian girl. She was no blazer fucking, you know, she was no Jerry Lewis. Right. But nice girl, sweet.

She was working on it. You know, she was working on being funny. And she made a statement that that's why she quit comedy because every guy wants to hit on you. And I remember going in the shower, closing my computer, not saying anything, it's none of my business. And thinking about it on whatever drive I had, like, you know what?

last I checked that's in every fucking business every business guys want to fuck you okay so like that page van sant it must be it must be really hard

did you see Dana white said everybody wanted meet him a page van zan after the fucking fight she's 21 she's super hot yeah she's cute she's tiny you know her little pussy almost popped out

eight times on television hers and the other ones everybody watched but it's just a you know like every woman no matter what you know we get hit on people

get hit on and some guys do it subtly some guys doing it an asshole. Some guys tell you you're going to lose your job if you don't suck their dick. I was watching Hannibal the Cannibal the other day. The one when she replaced, the one that won the Academy Award,

she just replaced the Redhead. The Redhead. Julianne Moore did it. And it was with Ray Leota. And there's one part where she tells Ray Leota in the basement. She goes, you're still mad at me? Because I wouldn't go home. I'd tell you to go home to your fucking wife.

Yeah. And he goes, don't walk all over yourself, startling. You know, there's a lot of farm-fed corn pussy and D.C., whatever, you know. And there are guys that do that. But you know what? The women that fucking stick it out,

it's called tough skin. Well, yeah, you just learn to deal with it. Look, I got six brothers, and if I was willing, they'd probably sleep with me. You know what I mean? They're just men are just animals. And that's cool. But you've got to learn to deal with it.

And that's in any business. My mom worked at the government. People would hit on her. You know, everywhere you work. You're a waitress. You got to hit on. You were a server at a comedy club. where you have to have two drinks.

So it must happen every night. Every night. I've had customers grab my ass. I've had comics pinch my ass. I have one bite my ass. That was awesome. At a Christmas party in front of Mitzie. And, you know, shit happens.

I mean, I didn't get upset. It made me laugh. Am I going to do? It's up to you what you want to do with your body. If you want to fuck them, fuck them. If you don't, don't. You don't have to bitch about it. Who cares?

Yeah, everybody. I'm happy. people want to hit on me. That means I so got it. That's why I showcase my cameltoe and my jeans. That's right. That's why I wear them. You know you look at it.

Who doesn't look at camel to? Everybody does. I comb it out for you. You see the evolution of a woman in comedy. They last, but sometimes they just tap out. Or sometimes they just go from the realm you're in right now to a law realm, so they have no responsibility. And that's a thing with women.

They do get responsibility. Like if you get married and you have a kid, That's it. And that sucks. And women are naturally, you know, we have to stay there, nourish, take care of. I unfortunately didn't want to do that because I have testicles. And it's harder. I don't want kids.

I don't. And I think it's great if you have kids. But you, even as a father, you can see the strains now. It's different. You're on the road. I miss my kid. Oh, please. But as a woman, it would drive you insane, I think.

I think. I think. That's just me. And my family, my mother would go crazy. She had 10 kids. She was a single parent. She had to go to work. She was thrilled to go to work, get the fuck away from us. But because she had to feed us. You know what I mean? How the fuck are you in Chicago with two kids? A Philadelphia. No, no, I'm just saying, how the fuck are you on the road in Chicago?

I see what you were saying. On the road. Philadelphia with two kids at home. Oh, yeah. And it's so hard. So women do tend to tag out quicker than men because they take on that. And it's not easy. I know female comics that are funny and great, and they have kids, and it's fucking hard. I mean, look at Pasquitelli. Tammy Pasquettelli's hilarious, and she goes on the road all the time.

She has a kid, and it sucks. I bet for her it sucks. How old is it? What's his name, Beito? He's got to be. Five, six. Maybe. Maybe around now.

Well, that's not a bad age because, you know, Luca watches. Right. Luca hooks that. But still. But still. But still, a mom is a mom. That's right. And they get to know it.

They get, once there's a disaster. something, yeah, it's a disaster, but you could still do comedy in Los Angeles. There's so many things you could do in Los Angeles. But you'll never hear her bitch about it, Tammy. She just does her thing. She just does her thing. She just goes and does her thing.

That's what I like about it. Do you think you have to choose? Because I'm nowhere near ready to have kids at all. We're not even talking about it. I'm not even sure if you should. I'm worried about you. Who knows? At this point, we're up with all these edibles.

But Paula is going to law school, and she's working really hard to become a lawyer. And I said my mom went through it. My mom went to law school too. And when she had my brother and I, she didn't work for like eight or ten years. And it definitely set her back, coming back into the job.

So like I can see I want kids. Like I used to really, really want kids. But now I'm like, I can see Paula's point. If she was like, I just killed myself for three years, plus starting out working the first three years. I don't want to have kids and have to give it up. I put a lot of work into it. So it's like,

it is kind of fucked up. I can see where it's not really fair. And same thing with the hitting on. Like, yeah, you could just, like, let it roll off your back, but it's just like, it's like just another thing added on to the hard part of already trying to become a comic. Like, imagine, like, you went through a lot of shit, but then imagine if every time some guy you didn't like was hitting on you,

it must make it harder. It just depends what you do with the situation. Listen, man, if you get into comedy, And guys are hitting on you And they've never hit on you before Then you've been fucking sheltered Okay, you've lived in a fucking box You can walk the other street

Get hit on a minute When you were 12 was the first time a woman When you were like 11 Was the first time some creepy fucking 15 year old Hit on you He saw that you had like three hairs on your pussy Or some shit Or saw you in a biscini or saw what you

He thought your body was going to look like And he hit on you And women, you know At first they oh my God That guy likes me But then one day they decide. I was watching Tom Papa last night. He was talking about how his daughters.

He's got daughters. And he's like, you know, they think that every man in the world is like dad. So pretty soon I got to start beating the mom. You know, just to show him that dad don't fuck around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's some women that come to the comedy store and the guy says you're beautiful and they fucking lose their mind. Why, though? It's the first time that's happened.

And there's women that, hey, listen, I want to eat your ass. and they just keep walking. That's good. Next, and they just go to the next one. Right, but unless they're preventing you from getting somewhere

because they want to sleep with you, like if they say, if you don't sleep with me, you can't do, you can't go on stage, right? If that happened, would I sleep with the guy? No, I'd beat the fuck out of them

and then walk on stage. That's how it works. But that's, I mean, maybe that's a crazy mentality because I have six brothers. I mean, but my first,

you were saying, his getting hit on, the first person, was my brother Jimmy peeking in the shower at me. And then he would let, he'd go, I'll give you gum if you let me look longer. That was my brother.

We were related. I mean, that was good gum, too. It's benty. But it's, it's, so right there her saying that, like, I didn't fucking go nuts, but I knew that was just an excuse for her to out. It is an excuse. It's an out for women. It's an out for women.

You know, it, listen, it's, it's hard to do comedy. It's a hard fucking journey. And it's a hard. And it is dominated by men. And it is dominated by men. But what field isn't. dominated by men. You know, listen.

Stripping. I have a fucking daughter at the house, and I want to give her the best chance in the world that you can't. And I'm going to tell that she's got all these opportunities available to her. But I'm also going to tell her the truth, that no matter what happens, you've got to work harder than that motherfucker. Don't tread on the, they're going to give it to you on whatever. You've got to work hard than that motherfucker.

And even then, even then, they might not give it to you. But it rolls off your chest. Now you've got to decide what else to do. You can't take the abuse, you know. This is what it is. It is what it is. It's a male-dominated fucking everything. It's a boys club.

It's a boys' club, yeah. You could shave your head, you can play girls softball, you can get tattoos. Whatever you want. You do all this shit you fucking want. If you let it affect you. If you let it fucking affect you. Me, if I was a woman, man, I just keep fucking marching. Listen, damn if you sleep with a guy and damn if you don't sleep with a guy.

You're not going to lose it. no matter what's, I don't sleep with the fucking guy. And is it, at some point, does it turn into a benefit? Like, I always hear, like, female comics who might get on TV sooner or maybe you could flirt with a booker. So, like, there is another side to it that that could help you out. But, I mean, look at Mitzi, sure. She was, people would say, oh, you had to sleep with her to get on stage. That wasn't necessarily true.

She picked you. It could have happened. No, I worked for her for six years, and she would tell me straight, I was her personal. assistant and she would tell me every story every story and sometimes she'd pass guys because they were good looking and then she'd sleep with them and if they didn't keep being funny she'd get rid of them she'd get rid of them but but it wasn't like you had to sleep with her to get on stage now she's a whore right because she did that but if a guy did that he's a hero right i don't that i don't like that shit i think it's all the same you're all hoars and that's cool be it be what you want to be but she didn't

prevent somebody from going on stage if they didn't sleep with her. She did not do that. This guy's cute. I'm going to pass him. See what I can get. That's exactly what she would do. And then she'd suck his dick. Bartenders, a couple bartenders she hired, hilarious. And she would do it and she would get rid of it. If they didn't move forward, you got to move, you know, you're going to get a piece of ass. She goes, this guy didn't know what was in a rum and coke,

so I got rid of him. I wouldn't want. It was great in bed. I wouldn't want to suck a dick and to get put on a show. Like a stand-up show. And then, no, I got on there because I sucked a dick. And even then, what's that going to do for you? That's going to get you there the first time. What are you going to do? Keep sucking dicks the rest of your fucking life.

Wait a minute. That's kind of how I got on the blue show. I'm just kidding. But it's one of those things where you, I have a lot of respect for women. I was raised by a single mom. I seen what it took. I seen how my mom, you know, I hear all these stories.

I, you know, I live in Studio City. I see women with, you know, two kids with a brown woman in the car. next to them and they can't do dick without that brown woman. That's right. You go to these parks and you see the kids, every kid is white and every fucking nanny is Mexican. There's not a parent there.

But you ever go to Victory and Violin and go to fucking Target over there? How many times you look across the street you see a Mexican woman that's pregnant with a kid in a fucking stroller with another kid holding that she's crossing the street? That's three kids. But that fucking chick from Studio City with two kids needs a woman to stay in her house. It's 40 hours a week to help her. You know, it's... So she could get a shower.

So she could get a shower and I'll have to catch yoga. And she could walk with her namaste pants and put some fucking coffee shop and double park and show people her importance. You know, I see that type of shit. What people do on people we can't do. I come from it. My mom worked.

You know, listen, the apple don't fall far from the tree. People always go, Joey Dears is a hustle. What do you think I watch this on TV? Yeah. You think you learn this in a book? You learn from watching. Somebody who, like I told Lydia, listen, I don't know much about Martians. I'm not Johnny intelligent, but I tell you what I know how to do.

I know how to leave the house in the morning with nothing and come home with fucking $100. I'll do it every fucking day. Even if I got to borrow that $100, I'm making my point. I come home with something. You don't know how many times I left the house at 8 o'clock to go to the store. And I come back with a grandma blow, weed, $20 for lunch, two joints, a jacket. Because I know how to put shit together. Yep.

There's something that you have to know how to put. And I didn't learn this one man. I learned how to survive. I learned this from a woman. I saw my mom how she'd get up, hung over, take a shower, come out, get a fucking piece of bread, a coffee, and let's go. Go. Come on. What are you talking about with TV?

Let's go. Come on. Boom. To the bank. To here. To there. To eat. To the Bronx.

To the back. Boom, boom. And after you did everything. Yeah. Then we went to a Yankee game or a MEC game. But that was after we did 30 fucking things. Yeah. Yeah.

You know? And when a woman comes to L.A. and a woman wants to be successful, she's got to go out, she's got to write, she's got to do all these fucking things. And I've seen all different angles. We've seen the women that came with good-looking and got the drinking cocktails,

they fucking gone. Gone. Party girls, they don't fucking last. They get ugliest first. Those party girls get filled with sperm and fucking vodka and those martinis and sperm that shit don't make you age quicker than anything in the world. You'll look like me and you'll be 35.

And we've seen it. Only if you swallow it. If you let it go in your face, it helps. It's very nice. We've seen it in L.A. Good moisturizer. But you see these, you know, at the store, we saw women that came with fake tits Barbie. Seen everything.

With the vein, you motherfucker. You know, we were talking about when we saw women come and go that were beautiful. I've seen a million women coming. Beautiful. And you sit there and go, where the fuck are they? I like to take 10 off the list and look them up on Facebook and see what fucking happened to them. But my point being, I'm not. and there you are.

The strong ones and the funny ones are still around. Now, do you think that being a wages at the store of those years helped you advance in comedy? I will say that 12 years, that's fucked up, that's how long I was there, 12 years, really was the best college you could go to for stand-up. I mean, every night

I watched stand-up comedy. I could recite everyone's act. Even if they were good and off-the-cuff, I knew where they were going. Because it was innate. It was, I knew, I knew when to drop a tab. I knew when to pick up a tab. I knew every minute. Some comics were really bad and you could just, bit, bit, but, but, but, you know,

you just knew every word and it was whatever. But there, you know, so it was in there. It was definitely subconsciously, because now writing, I'll be like, oh, that's so-and-so's joke. I heard that in 1998, Brian Bradley did that, you know. And I'm like, I must have picked that up. So scratch that, start over. You know what I mean? So that kind of sucks.

Where is Brian Bradley? I don't know, but wasn't he funny? God love him. He made me laugh. No. He got a fight with... He used to bring the audience. He used to make me laugh so...

He was doing briefs or something in Broadway. Yeah, you know what? I heard he went to, I believe, and I could be confusing people, take care of his father in Florida. And now he does, like, cruise ships. But I could have that wrong. But I thought that was right.

I don't know. I'd have to ask. But this is my point. A lot of people do break. like talk shit. You know how comics are. We talk shit to people. I've heard a million people say to me, you only got on shows because you fuck dice. Now, and that could be true. He does help me out. Absolutely. And we were engaged. We lived together for five years. I left him, moved out after Freddie passed, moved out. I was trying to figure my shit out. I didn't know what to do. And then I just thought,

you know, all these years, Freddie telling me get on stage, comics saying, you get on stage, you're funny, funny, I started doing a one-woman show. This was a year and a half after we broke up. He came to see me and he was like, you're doing stand-up. Come on the road. So that's what I did. And then when I started getting boot off the stage with him, he let me go for a year. And then I started going to the store every night going Laugh Factory, the ha-ha,

anywhere. Anybody that would have me, a coffee house, I can't think of the one in Westwood that I used to do all the time. Bruko. Brewco. Oh, my God. that was my favorite because the audience would leave and come out you know it would be shifts right kind of because it was just people walking by and it was free oh hardest fucking room ever but i loved it but so i did it for a year and then andrew invited me out again but i had to prove

myself to him he did not just say here you can have this he was like you have to prove it because i got boot off the stage in fucking uh westbury music fair do you know how great that is that people hate you in the front the side and the back booing boo because I said I was from Philadelphia boo you suck boo boo and I was like fuck and I had this cute little like half braw on and I was sweating so bad it slid down so it looked like I had stomach tumors and my sister Karen drove all way up from Philly two and a half hours and we like locked eyes at one point and she looked at me like what do you want to do to fight this whole fucking room I'll fight everybody in here you know what I mean because she was pissed because she drove all the next night in Jersey at the state theater same thing Now more of my family was there. My brother Johnny, Charlie, my sister Karen, Eaddy, they were like, we'll fucking fight everybody. But we, you know, that's what I had to deal with. And then I had to take off, not take off, take off a year from Andrew.

And then work the real, like, hardcore circuit of going on three, four times a night and getting your fucking seeing if this is really what you want to do. Because, and I did start late. And the one thing that I have, it's not about people trying to fuck me. they like to fuck me because they know my eggs are dead. There's no way I'm getting pregnant. You know what I'm 44 years old. It's fucking old, you know. I'll be 44 in August.

That's crazy. That's an old lady pretty much to that. No, but in Hollywood, that's an ageist. You know what you mean? Like, they're like, oh, but I started late. I've been doing this eight years now. I started late. So it was more like, I don't feel like, I mean, sometimes you get head on,

but at the same time they're like, you know, well, she fuck dies. We can't. We can't top that. So they kind of don't get, you know, get involved. But I think they're always like, oh, she's old. You know what I mean? I don't know. I don't care.

I don't, you can put any label you want on me. I'm still funny. I'm 52. I'm still funny. I don't get a fuck if I'm old. I don't give a fuck what they think. But I'm saying in Hollywood, they do that. Absolutely. They do that to you.

Like, oh, I've killed on shows. Killed, killed, killed. And I remember this guy looking at me, go, how old are you? And I go, what the fuck does that matter? I just fucking killed. I just destroyed. You want to put me on a show? There's a million fucking shows I could be on that.

I can do it. It's like I don't, they look at you like, oh, you're going to die this week? What's happening? You know, like, I don't know if it's my name or my age or what. Do I look like I had a hip replacement? About 10 years ago at the store, Showtime did nine comedy specials.

Showtime? Showtime. And what they were, were Messina Baker. Oh, my God, I remember that. We're not eating another piece of this. I'm still for another piece. No. Yeah, yeah, a little more piece because that was light.

But they were like one of the best. Messina Baker was one of the best. So, Messina Baker is behind the, the, the, the, I'm not doing this. Yes, you got it. You're going to split it. He's cutting that nicely. You got to do it.

We're going deep. He cuts it every week. This is, this is it. I can't get over that. It looks like cranberry. It's a star. It's a star. It's a star of David.

So, Messina Baker was behind the comedy. I don't think David's in that style. I've always liked Messina. He's behind. the story and he's talking to somebody and I'm sitting there and I'm talking to a woman I don't know who the fuck it was we're talking comedy and Messina baker turns around and goes you know as far as I'm concerned a woman in this town is dead he goes to be honest with you let's just go all around he goes a comic in this town is pretty much a woman's dead at 29 yeah a guy is dead at 32

he goes a guy died acting acting wise No, stand-up wise. There's not much I could do with him. And I remember going home, and they were showcasing people every night. They showcased who's on the road with Gabriel now? Rick Gutierrez. Oh, he helped me a lot. And they puked.

He puked before he went up, and I brought him a towel. I don't know. I forget that Messina came over and tried to help. I'm like, can I talk to you for a second? I go, last night you made a fucking statement out there. And this is me. Like, I didn't give a fuck if he was Missina. I know him a couple times.

We talked. He said, hello. You're from Long Islanders. Yeah, they were great guys to be honest. I love both of them. And I go, how can you make that statement last night? And he goes, what statement? I go, a guy is dead when he's 32,

and a fucking woman that's 26 and dead. You know, when you see a girl was standing there? I don't know who it was. Right. But still. But some of the feelings got hurt. And I go, number one, their feelings got, number two, how much money did you make off Tim Allen?

He wasn't no 32 when you got him in. No. And that fucking Drew Carrey was an old man, too, when you got him. That's right. You made a ton of money on fucking old guys. What are you talking about? You made. Tim Allen was no fucking 32 when you signed him.

Well, Tim, yeah, he wasn't all fucking 32. It wasn't no fucking 32. So for you to make that statement, and the next night he saw him and he goes, I thought about what you said. Yeah. You're right. Funny is funny at any fucking age. Look at this Betty White now. She's 100.

And now they're giving every fucking award in the world. When was the last time she made you laugh? 10 fucking years ago? It don't matter. Yeah. She's old and people reach out. Dice Clay is funny. Look at this other.

insult comic. Dice is 57, I think. He's still fucking hilarious. He's still fucking hilarious. Listen, these guys get better. You know, they call me from the temporary improv. It's like anything else. Just because a person isn't selling tickets and he's irrelevant in your mind doesn't mean he's not improving growing as an artist.

That's what these people don't. Like somebody call me another than that. We got to sweat to you because David Tile. I said, listen, man, I can't go down it. But the situation was that David Telle wasn't selling tickets. And they were scared. And I go, I want you to think about that statement. Yeah.

That I sell tickets and Dave Attell don't fucking sell tickets. That is just, it's a, it's a, he's a comic. He's a real comic, but because he's not gentrified no more because you guys passed on him and he sells 10 tickets to show. Bobby Slayton called me, by the way. They had me howl. Another guy. These guys just get funnier.

They get funnier. Just because you stop going to see him because you go see Anthony Jeslick, doesn't mean David Tell isn't getting fucking funny. fucking funniest guy on the planet. And I just say David Jesolnet. You could go see Joe Diaz or Joe Rogan. Doesn't mean that fucking David Tell is not one of the funniest guys on the road today. But in people's mind because, oh, well, you know, he's not hot no more, whatever the fuck.

However people judge it. It's gross. It's close. And with you, Eleanor, I saw it last night when I left. I was watching you when they brought you up after. And I was in the back. I had to talk to the girl and I watched it. And I got in the car and I go, that's amazing a couple years ago.

She was a fucking waitress. And you know, you got to play this hand more. And this is a hand that people do not know. And I didn't know about it. There's a thing in the L.A. called being friends with people. Right now, what's the hottest show on television, that empire? Oh, yes. I love it.

I talk to Eddie Viles the way I talk to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know Eddie Volez for eight fucking years. I knew Eddie Valez when he was fucking riding a bicycle. He was an assistant. Eddie Valez has the hottest show on television as the head writer. Yeah.

But eight years ago, I used to talk to Eddie all the time when he was in the system. He used to buy plane tickets for a fucking doctor. That's how we met. That's hysterical. Do you understand me?

So right now, Eddie Vales has the hottest show. Let's say this year they write something and they write a chubby fucking guy. And I go in there. People are going to go, fucking Joey Diaz, man, whatever.

No, I knew the guy. You ever be a kid? And your father goes, you need a job, go see that guy. He needs somebody at the funeral parlor. Yeah, yeah. Same thing happens in Hollywood. That's true.

I came home before and the lady, Wana was folding closed. In the living room, and she was stuck on HBO and Grudge Match was on. Yes. And she goes, ooh, oh, Jose, look, you're on TV. I didn't know you in this movie. My son was watching this. And she was, how did you get? And I'm looking at it going, if she knew that I knew the director.

Like the director just called me. Who fucking? But then again, how many calls have I gotten for, well, I shouldn't say bad movies. That was no Academy Award winner. But how many calls have I gotten for Sag? low budgets because I knew the director. Yeah. Just yesterday. Monday. Everything you get is who you know pretty much.

So it's not, when people say, oh, well, Jennifer Aniston got fucking, nothing pisses me all when somebody says, Jennifer Aniston got friends because of our father. Well, you know what? It doesn't matter. She proved herself. She proves the spread. And don't get me wrong. Rain Pryor is unproven.

Yoko Ono's Sean, that worthless sack of shit. That's a sack of shit. He's never done nothing. You've never heard nothing, Sean. fucking Oco, whatever's name is, Sean Lennon did, and you'll never hear nothing. All those kids are rich people, yeah, they're fucking worthless, okay? Some of them. But you have some people that have the Michael Douglas is a fucking savage.

Yes, right. And you'll always be a fucking savage, okay? There's Michael Douglas and then there's Eric Douglas. You know, Gwyneth Paltrow is a savage, you know, whether she's what's her name's mother or not. Gwenette Poutro has done some great fucking parts of movies. Why did you bring her up? I'm angry at her right now.

I fuck her with the food stamps. So what would you make that thing? Fuck her. Food stamps. food stamps and her vagina steaming. Nobody can live all fucking food stamps for 40 fucking bucks a week. Only regular people are broke. She's retarded.

She doesn't even know what life's about. No, they don't. None of them do. They're so out of fucking touch. They make so much money that they focus on something else and they're so out of touch. And you cannot blame them for that. Yeah. It's not their fault.

Do you think it's because like everyone, like I've seen it. Like I've been lucky enough to meet Joe Rogan. People, when they talk to him and I see it with you, too sometimes. They just, all they want to do is agree and be like, oh yeah. I think the same thing you do and you're the best.

And that's great. But when I hear an actor starting to get really have like a political message, if it's not because, if it's not like, I understand why Seth Bogan, his wife's mom has Alzheimer's, that's fine. But just like a random, like, why is Angelina Jolie like a UN something to like...

But she does do a lot. I got to stick up for her a little bit. Okay, maybe she's a good one. I don't know much about Angelina. She's a good person. She gives a lot. She doesn't necessarily stand there and say, you have to do this, this, and this. Okay.

She goes out and literally like helps build places. No, I can't even get off him. I don't know. Well, I know what you're saying. I see what you're saying. I get like Gwyneth Paltrow putting out a cookbook that no one can live by because no one can afford that stuff. Wait, she put out a food stamp cookbook? Something crazy like that.

That sounds like a family guy joke. Also her vagina steaming thing. It costs like $10,000 to get your vagina steam. Why do you want to get it steamed? She says that it takes all the toxins out of your body. I've been doing the ghetto version, Joe. I've been going to the gym and doing child pose in the steam room. These people are crazy.

That sounds like a family guy, Joe. It does. Remember when you get sick as a kid? What they do? You got the Puerto Rico. The Jews invented it. Yeah. You get a tub of water.

You put some vicks around that motherfucker. You open up that snatch. You put a towel over. it. You let that steamy vix. That cleans everything out. That takes all the toxins out. Moulinian's sperm. Everything. That's on the fucking size.

She said it makes it smaller too. So that's why I was trying it. Not that bothers me more. Somebody goes, well, look at the Kim Kardashian diet. And somebody in Philadelphia, mom in Philadelphia is looking at. First of all, you work 10 hours a day.

She was built. But the time you fucking get home, you can't even do a jumping jack. That's right. So now this lady here gets up at 10 in the morning with cucumbers on her ride. She's got 90 people pampering. People pampering on.

She's got a lady who picks her up, brings it to the gym, and stretches her out. You know, for the money she makes, she's got to have some. She's got somebody who brushes her teeth and douches her. That's a difference. People think that, oh, wow, you know, fucking Sean Penn. The Sean Penn's a millionaire.

He pays his personal trainer 400 an hour to come over and wake him up with Starbucks coffee, water, and a protein fucking shake. And the best part is, even with all that, they still do Photoshop. None of the pictures you're seeing are actually what they look like. Exactly. No one's going to look like that. That's what, if you don't know. know that that's crazy. I don't understand

why. It's like saying, well, I was going to say wrestling isn't real, but, and that's true. How fucking did we go? I don't know what happened. I don't know where we are, Joey bear, and I'm all over the Oh, it's coming out of my pores right now. I could see it. It's cute. I'm just really proud of you, Ellenmore. Thank you. I love that. Last night I went home and I was sitting and I'm like, you know, with all the fucking crying I hear in comedy.

All the crying, all the, well, you, this happened to you because of Joe Rogan. Really, like, he called this happened. I, I get it all the time. And people always have that. It's their way of saying they're inadequate. Like they didn't want to put the work in. Yeah.

Lee, what time do I call you every morning? Before 8 a.m. And already I've done two hours of fucking work. But here's the thing. And that's true. And smoke four balls. You work harder. I've always worked like this.

Even when I was on blow. So it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what got you in the spotlight. You got you in the spotlight. Because if you weren't funny on what Joe Rogan's podcast or whatever they want to say, you wouldn't have stood out. Joe Rogan and I sat and talked about how you're the funniest person in the entire world.

Like, he can't get over it. Like, it freaks him out. He's like, Joe Diaz is the funniest person I ever met my life. Hands down, no matter what. When we talk on the phone, it's crazy. Yeah. I mean, he's just adorge.

I mean, and... Does any part of you think about, like, not working with dice anymore for a little bit? I hate that fucker. I want to get away from him. I'm kidding. No, I love... No, I'll tell you what I want, though. I want to go on my own.

I do. I want to start headline because I have a couple of headlining gigs coming up. And Andrew says that. He's like, that's your next step. You got to go. You got to get out. And like he's had some amazing people open for him. Like Norton, Sebastian. They opened for him for years. Eddie Griffin. I mean, because I'm going way back. But he. Me and Bobby Lee and Norton, the bad boys of comedy in Las Vegas. Oh, my God. Remember that? Wait, Bobby Lee was on? I don't remember that. We did Bob. We did that. We did a couple different cities.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I love that. He said some shit. And it's funny, when I left you last night, I was thinking about Dice. And I'm thinking about responsibility as a comedian. You know, you have this responsibility. You have responsibility to yourself to write and to get on stage and to take care of yourself. And then as you progress, you also have responsibility to help other guys. Like just a word or, you know, encouraged somebody who was at the same point.

You may be thinking and quitting. And that's the other responsibilities you have as a comic. You know, do you know how big Andrew Dice Clay's contribution is to comedy? Oh, my God. Kenison, Dangerfield. Because not only they make you laugh, they also made people change their own lines. That's right. When I got out of prison and I fucking went to Manny Tomeino's house and he goes,

I got to show you this guy. And he put him Dice's tape. My head almost blew up. I fucking left there, like, furious. because I'm like, this guy's thinking what I'm thinking. Right. Like, it was fucking scary. And I was in the halfway house.

And you got out of prison, they put you in the halfway house. And I failed and they put me back. And for New Year's, I spent it in the halfway house, and I put Dice's tape in, and eight guerrillas watched it. And we were howling. We watched it three times the four in the morning straight, sober, drinking fucking sodas and eating potato chips. And I remember that I said, you know,

I got to try this because of what this guy does, you know? And I know for a fact, for two years, Every time I went up stage, I was like, what would Dice do? And, you know, and then I got to the store, and there he is. Just hanging out. And one night he had Scott up there. Like, I had never talked to him. The first time I saw Andrew at the store, I was a little intimidated.

And I go, you know what? He was with his fucking cousin. Oh, yeah, Jamie. Yeah, yeah. He's not around no one. No, he moved back to New York. Or Nashville. I forget.

Somewhere. And I didn't say nothing to him. And then one night, he was up there with Scott Day, about 1145. 12 o'clock. What the fuck is Andrew doing up here at that time? And he wasn't going up. They were up there to watch Luca and Mike Marino. Oh, okay.

Because he wanted to make a point. He was saying he's doing me. Get rid of him. So Andrew's point was Luca and fucking Mike Marino are fucking doing me, man. Yeah. So he had Scott, and it's just us. He had Scott Day. I had never spoken to Dice.

He's got Scott Day and he's young and Scott Day. Scott Day was a talent coordinator. at the time yes yes he's now in Bangkok molesting young boys he miss you scotch day i love him scott's day he hits me he hits me once a year telling me how much he hates joe rogan i love him he hates joe why i love it i'll fight joe rog i wrestled joe a little bit last but uh he was saying how uh what the fuck are we talking oh scott day so andrew was yelling like andrew was pissed yeah and i had my coke was in my pocket i was still a little sober and i said i'm gonna raise my hand before anything gets ugly hand, I go, excuse me, Andrew, Mr. Clay, I don't mean to butt in Scott.

I go, they're not doing you, Andrew. They're emulating you until they get their own voice. Well, that's not fucking right. And who the fuck are you? Who told you you could butt it? I go, Andrew, I'm not being a dick yet. I did you for two years. And now I've been doing comedy for seven and I don't do you no more.

We don't do your jokes. We do you until we realize what we are. And some women do Lucille Ball, some women do Ellen until they realize who you are. You know, when we got to the store, everybody pulled me aside. I hate Joe Rogan. He does Kennison. He's not doing fucking Kennison. Yeah.

He got inspired by Kennison, so you see it. When you listen to Soundgarden, blow up the outside world, you go, that's a great song, but it's the Beatles. He got inspired by the fucking Beatles. Right. I heard TLC last week. They listened to the fucking Beatles, obviously. They were three black girls from fucking Atlanta. Yeah.

When you're influenced by somebody, it comes out in your art. Yeah. Just a little bit. You go, oh, shit. When you go to jiu-jitsu and you learn a move, and the guy goes, no, put your elbow down by his head when you do the Camaro. That's his little trick. Yeah.

So now when people see you do it, they go, oh, no, it works better for you. Yeah. And Andrew turned his back on me, walked away with Scott Day. And two days later, my phone rang, and it was Andrew saying, you're right. You said to me, I thought about it. So we all fucking emulate somebody. Exactly. Wait, wait, I'm thinking of one time we were in the hallway, and Brian Holstman, it was during the OJ trials.

What was that lady's name? Marsha. She was a district attorney. Marsha, whatever. Marsha, something, whatever. So Andrew was doing a joke about her, and so was Holtzman. And it was very similar, but it was different. You know, it was Holtzman's take, and it was Dice's take. And Andrew confronted him. And he was like, you know, Brian, I'm doing that joke. We're doing the same joke. And Brian goes, hey, man. Sometimes we just overlap. He walked away. And Andrew was just standing there, dumbfounded.

And he was like, he's fucking right. He goes, you know what? You're right. Sometimes we just overlap. Are you the only person to call him Andrew? I'm sorry, Dice. I've always heard Dice Clay. It's like just sounds like Andrew.

Andrew. Yeah. Yeah, it was just, his face was so great. But sometimes when somebody really stands up to him and isn't a yes, yes, yes, man, like Lee was saying, how people just agree with you. You loves him. Yeah, they become, okay, that person's real. That person's not going to just finger-bang me

because they like my leather jacket or whatever. They want to be, they want to open for me or they want something for me. They tell the truth. And Holtzman is the epitome of that. So he was, hey, we just overlap and that was it. He walked away. And he walked away. He was so great.

But that happens. And you're right. My favorite comic in the whole world to watch at the store was Judy Gold. I can never get enough of Judy Gold. I would listen to it on a loop. I mean, if I had a full tray of drinks and Judy Gold was on, I'd stand there and let the ice melt. I didn't give a shit. I watched Judy Gold.

She was my favorite to watch at the store all the years. And so I think when I first started, I was kind of, because my favorite thing about her is she's so fucking aggressive. And she just says whatever. and I was like that, I think, in the beginning. I think I did Judy, if you will. And, you know, I never, like, did her jokes. But I do see what Andrew's saying with the leather jet. But that's an East Coast thing.

So he does a little bit too much think every, you know, like, oh, he's doing me. And it's not that he's doing you. I mean, what was the Jimmy and Joey, remember them? They were going, oh, and Andrew made them stop doing that. It was like one of the best nights at the store. Because you know how they go, oh, at the end of their joke? And Andrews, you deal with me? You can't.

Stop it. So then they would go up and they'd be like, they'd do their joke and they couldn't tag it with the O, so they'd just kind of awkwardly look at each other. Jimmy and Joey, it's an Italian comedy group. They've been around in a life for 20 years. Jimmy's the same, but they've gone through 19 joys. They've gone through 19 joys.

The original Joey was his real brother. Right. And he quit. When your brother quits the band, you know, you've got a fucking problem. They had a fight, and that was it. There was one time it was on Craigslist. He was looking for a Joey. And we wanted to submit Dom Iera and Dice, like, to actually go in and audition.

Is it scripted? No. Yes. Yes, the jokes are the same. Yes, it's the same act. They're doing it up here. They do it up here. It's the same act.

They do it at Venzano's, you know, over by. No. I'm always out of town. Well, what happened? The last time I saw them at the store. You're constantly out of them? Dom I rare went up with Mike Favorman and they were the

Oi brothers. They did the Jewish version of them because you know how they goes meatballs and so those two were like Matsa balls like just so stupid. Remember Jim, what was a kid who died? God bless his soul. Fat James. Oh Fat James. He was a Jimmy and Joy for a while. Jimmy Delavala Jimmy Lightbulbubes, Vinny Lightbulbs, Vinny Capola

was a his father was an electric pole. What are you talking about? Vinny Lightbulbs. That's the greatest name I remember. name I've ever heard. His real name is Vinnie Coppola, no, his name is Vinny Coppola. But his father owns an electrical company. He's called Vinny Lightbole. I feel like I did a show with him, that name.

Yeah, really nice guy. It looks like Al Pacino and Godfather, too. Yeah, sometimes I remember, like, a new guy would come in with Jimmy and I, or Joey, whichever one of the show. That's him. Real good look at Vinny Lightbulks. Oh, no, he got, oh, he's going to be a Joey or Jimmy, whichever one. That sounds like it'd be terrible to go to sober, but being high. I think I'd have the best time.

You know what they do it at Victorio's at. It was an Italian restaurant. They were doing it at Rockos for a while. He told me I couldn't do it because I was too dirty. So I told him to go, fuck himself. Did he really? Yeah. I was like, what are you talking about dirty?

Oh, you got to be clean. I go, okay, then tell me it's clean. I could do a clean show. I'm not an asshole. I know what I'm doing. I had to do a clean show for Harry Basil last week. I wanted to kill myself. Two weeks ago, at the Laugh Factory.

So he makes you work clean? No, no. Me and Dom were doing the Laugh Factory and Frazier. So we were at the Tropicana. is where the Laugh Factory is in Vegas. So we're there and he goes, hey, there's this show during the day. It'll help, it's a radio thing. It'll help promote, you know, the night show,

but you've got to be clean. It's a five-minute set. We didn't have to be clean for Harry's show for the Laugh Factory, but we had to be clean on this. I go there and it's at the South Point Casino. 400 people. I'm like, wow, 2 o'clock in the afternoon. 400 people, that's crazy.

Where are you going to get 200 people? Four o'clock in the afternoon. Well, I figured out where they're going to fucking get them. They were wheeling. them in. They all had oxygen. The youngest one... They just hit the penny slants? Yeah, the youngest one was dead. Like, it was awful.

Like, I mean, it was so... Everybody, it was all blue hairs. Like, I never... Who did the show with you? It was a guy named Dennis Bono, something like that. And he sang a Frank Sinatra's song in the beginning. He had a big band behind him.

I wanted to... I was on the phone with my boyfriend outside. I go, babe, I can't go in there. I can't do this. There's no way I can do this. I can be clean, but this is crazy. I, these, they're not, might not even be able to hear me. Like, these people are dead.

They've fucking oxygen. What do you, what do I do? And he's like, oh, I wouldn't do it if I were you. And then he's like trying to come up with bits that can, they can relate to. He's like, talk about going to the doctor. And I wound up just doing shit about my dad's typewriter store and they loved it. But five minutes, I was sweating. That was a hard one.

I said, why does Harry Basil hate me? Because of the worst when you're doing your scent, it ain't going your way. And you feel that one drop of sweat come out of your head and roll down the back of your head. You know you're in trouble. You feel the heat going up to your cheeks. Your body warm triples.

You feel like moisture coming on in your armpits, your nuts and get sweaty as fuck. Nothing like having a fucking bad set. That's how I feel right now. When you get that sweat. Then you breathe right through it. sweat in the fake cleavage that I fucking make for the show.

Let me give some shout out real quick. Move us along here. Jim Jorgensen in New Jersey, I love you, cocksucker. Go to Vinnie's and tell him who fucking sent you. Amil, Haddad, keep doing what you're doing. You love Emil? I love Emil. I love Emil. Amel's my fucking main terrorist.

Yes. Laya Hernandez, you sexy bitch down there in South Texas. The Stonis Guide. I'm watching in San Diego. Heidi Gilchis Young. I see you this weekend in Tempe. D in Colorado, you bad motherfucker. I got to tell you what happened the other day.

I went to my fucking mailbox for the first time of like six months. Dwayne and Teresa Sadowwhite sent my daughter a church of what's happening now, Tutsu. No. Oh, my goodness. With the fucking headpiece and everything with the cross on the front. It is beautiful. I just want to thank Dwayne and Teresa Sadowwhite and Laylaid's loft boutique.com. They got beautiful two-to dresses.

She makes them handmade. You got to take a picture of it. Oh, I'm going to take a picture and put her up. I also got some kettlebell cards, from Vector kettlebells that were fucking tremendous. I love kettlebells. What else? I got a John Cutler sent me a beautiful Seller Cruz CD.

I mean, it's amazing the shit I get in the mail. So thank you all. I still got to talk to my people over at Access, the Roach Clip of the Stars. This is fucking Tremendous thing. It is. It really is. It's a roach clip.

But the whole thing. It's like really intense. It's like gold. Yeah, I got to learn how to work it correctly. But I've learned. Look at this shit. It comes with the whole thing.

You got to push it. And then it has the tube and you go like this. And I don't fucking know. Well, anyway, I got to figure it out. That's why I'm going to. But the issue is you don't really, you're going to have to plan because you don't usually leave roaches.

I know. You gave away that bag of roaches. You told me to give them away. I didn't fucking tell you nothing. I don't like I gave them away. They were just like, it was like a, it was a film canister. Access 2,000. Look at this thing.

Oh, shit. Oh, that's how it does. This is fucking tremendous. Here, go to Axis. Go to Theaxis 2000.com and take a look at this device. This is pretty fucking neat. It's a brooch clip, like an old school? Yeah, like old school with the gold tip.

They ain't fucking around. The future of marijuana. We should have had it when we were doing it at my house because that's when you had it. You would smoke like three or four joints. I know, but if I'm saying, he smoked like three or four joints per podcast. and he had a pill canister filled to the brim, like I had to squish it down and close it of just roaches. And I think I threw them away when I moved.

Oh, it was so the roach you can't smoke, don't you eat it? No, you can't. It's hard to grab that. Did I just go old school on your room? No, I would eat a roach all the time. I leave won't eat it with the ashes and shit, but I give him chocolate. What are you talking about? Do you get high from that?

Eating the roaches? Yeah. I think if you eat like 55 of them, you might get fucking high, but in the old day, I don't know. The trash can't exist, right? You could throw your gum and your roach in the way. I thought it was like a thing. I thought it was like an extra kick because my friends would do that. Oh, I got to eat the roach.

I got to eat the roach. I got to eat the roach. And I was like, fuck, I'm doing. Like, I would never eat the butt of my cigarette. You know what I mean? I'm going to throw off. You want another piece edible? No.

You need a piece because your eyes are still almost open. You know, your eyes are still open. You want another little piece? Let's do it, leave. No, I'm going to die. Yeah. We've already. 6,000 milligrams.

Another one. We had to open another one. to open up another one. Who runs like that? Only a church of what's happening. Now, bitch, is running deep and shit, you bad motherfuckus. I love it.

Look at the flying Jew. He's rubbing his one eyeball. He's going to end up like my buddy, the one I Jew. The one I Jew. You have a one-eye Jew friend? Yeah, he grows weed and ash, and he makes it, he smuggles, and he fucking, he told him he smokes some ash,

his eyeball popped out, so now he just took it out. He has an eyepatch. That's how he is, you know what I'm saying? I don't know. What's this blue show about on this? The Blue Show is about, it's Dice Presents kind of thing. And he hosts and he puts five comics on. Like what Ronnie did for him.

Basically is what he wants to give back. And I did get a little choked up the other day because I read an article. He did. And he, in the headline it said, I want the world to know who Eleanor Kerrigan is. So I was like, oh my God. And I mean, because it was exciting because Jason Rouse is on it. He's a terrific comic. I don't know if you know him.

Eric Myers is one of my favorite up-and-coming comics. And then there's Steve Wilson, who's a great comedy. He's been around for a while. The Bank Brothers, Chad? Corey and Chad, who are terrific. I just did their naughty show, dirty show. I fucking love that show. And, yeah, we had a blast.

I did it last Wednesday. I love what they told the audience. They were like, just steal show time. Just order it. and then cancel it. Order it on Thursday. Cancel it on Monday. Which is a great idea. But those two killed. And then wheels. Perisi. And oh, and the good looking guy. Colin Kane. He also, he's been around. He was hot for like a, I remember he did a

show at the store in the main room. I had no idea he was. And I was like, they said, oh, the main room sold out tonight, you know, because I went to park my car to do a show in the OR and as I get there it was packed I'm like what the fuck is happening Demi Moore everybody came to see this guy he's real hot Colin Kane and he sold out the fucking main rooms I didn't even know he was that's how big comedy you know I don't know who we don't know who everybody is yeah and he's he did great he was he's nice looking kid he's a nice guy and he's pretty like aggressive on stage kind of filthy and somebody said oh he's doing dice you know 30 years ago

because he like kind of is real offensive but it's not it's different and he's he's he's on it too he's great and there's this saturday yeah are you proud i am proud i'm the only chick uh kind of you know bigger balls than most of those guys but uh there's it's five comics and me and i'm just i'm excited i just excluded myself from it i don't know why but i am i'm really excited it airs friday night 11 o'clock on showtime is is your first time on tv second The first time nobody noticed. That was stand-up in stilettos. I'm surprised you guys didn't know that.

And on the TV Guide Network. But you had to be clean for that. And you had to write the whole set out. You ever have to do that? Oh, please. That's the worst. Dude, that was the worst. Do you know Jeff Singer?

Oh, my gosh. I love Jeff Singer. I showcased for, because I got cocky the first two years. So I had my friend Stacey Mark over at William Mars call and get me in for a showcase for Montreal. Yes. Still around. Oh my God.

She's like the VP at William Mars, comedy department. Oh, that's right. Oh, yeah. She's a top. Is Joe's, uh. Yeah, sure. Joe Rogan's agent.

Yeah. That's right. Joe's one of her favorite clients. Um, sells the most tickets and the least, he's not a bitch. You know what I mean? She loves Joe Rogan. So anyway, so she got me an audition for Montreal. Two years in the nerve of me.

But I still, I did really well. And everyone from the showcase remembers me. So Jeff Singer. I just didn't get to Montreal, but Jeff Singer called me up two years later and said, hey, you'd be good for this stand-up and stilettos. Why don't you submit your stuff? You have to write it all out. But I met him through the showcase.

Rachel Rouse was also a judge or whatever, and now she's an agent at ICM. And so I did it. He called me. I had to write everything out. It was the fucking scariest thing. Because you can't say, like if I had a joke with tit in it, you had a child. change it to boob or whatever the political, you know, those seven words you can't say on television kind of bullshit.

And oh my God, the first I sent it, I was sweating. I was at a FedEx all night because, you know, I don't know. I grew up in a typewriter store. I don't know what the fuck's happening. So I'm in a FedEx store all night. I must have spent $100 of all the money I was making with dice in Vegas that weekend just to type it up, scan it, and send it to Jeff. And then he'd send it back telling me when I had a correction.

and then I, thank God there wasn't a lot of corrections, but I did really well. And it was, but I got a little bit cut off in editing. So some of the jokes, that's a problem when you do TV and a short set. You can get, you're like, oh, I killed, I killed. And then they're like, oh, we needed more time. So we cut that punchline and then the joke doesn't make sense. You know what I mean? So that tape isn't my favorite, but I use it still a little bit of it because they did cut out a couple things.

But I had a good set and it was it was a great experience that was like two years ago Three years ago and now this but this is just me being me which I love I curse It's it's dirty I talk about vegans I fucking hate vegans It feels great it feels great it feels good to be a gangster It feels fucking great to be a gangster Feel like a kid again like I'm on my own street gang I got my corner jacket on 12th and wolf You know what I mean? Nobody knows when you just had a great set and

you've been doing it for three or four years and the thing's going to going your way in your life. Yeah. You're not really broke, but you are broke. But you really want something, like just to want it. Yeah. There's nothing like to want. Like, you had that want when you were a child, like I want this.

And nothing, nothing. I had nothing like that as an adult except for cocaine. I wanted cocaine. But then when I got into comedy, excuse me, you just want to be so good. Yeah. So fast. And you have all these disappointments throughout the way.

You have 200 fucking disappointments before you even feel good about yourself. That's tough skin. Oh, yeah. See, right there in that development right there, if a guy wants to hit on you, that ain't nothing, because you've been told no from agencies, like all those names you mentioned. Stacey Mark, nice lady, she fucking hates me. She fucking hates me. Oh, your stand-up or your person?

I dig the whole package. Rachel Rouse fucking hates me from A to Z. It's hysterical. Every one of them were so nice to me. These are the comedy people that run this town and they fucking ate me. Rachel Rouse, every time she seems she just turns her back. Let me tell you, ladies, get your shit together because this is the fucking man right here, Joe Diaz. That's crazy if they hate you.

Oh, it's just, and I don't, listen, I am in this bubble right now that I love. I do comedy. I go on the road. I'm happy. I don't, you know, they want to give me work. They give me work if they don't. It doesn't matter. I've been here for 20 years.

Just the point that I survived. When I came here with all the nose because there was only one person who dug me, her name was Mitchie Shaw. Yeah. And that's all that matter to me at that time. She got it. She got it from the beginning. Everybody else threw everything else in to tell you no. Oh, no, he does coke.

He's too old. He's too fat. But you didn't say he wasn't funny. You didn't say that. You didn't say it couldn't out. You didn't say none of that. You threw everything else in, which I understand. We'll just shake hands and part friends, and you never really have to deal with me.

And I get that. but it's just so weird when you do have like a when you do book a marron and the guy from iFC comes up to you at a show and says bro i watched a lot of and that was great i can't believe people don't know what to fuck you you know that makes you feel good and i can't imagine how this blue show makes you feel i can't and i wished it went the way we wanted it in the beginning so everybody we wanted on there was on it but you know you have to deal with some shit and that's just how it goes but you know what if it goes well if it generates good heat he wants to do more so and that's other comics get an opportunity to be themselves because not a lot of us fit into the cookie cutter

things that you're talking about like that i don't think i'd ever be on comedy central and just because i don't think they put me on comedy central because a i'm elderly considering you know according to their bullshit but it doesn't mean what they have on their shitty either i'm Amy Schumer's one of my favorite comics. Her show's great. She fucking hits everything. I love her. You can't get any better than that.

And she puts all her favorite comics on there, like the Nortons and the Attells. All them are in that. Like she puts them on her, the inside Amy Schumer. I couldn't think of that. But yeah. So that I love. Comedy Central does take certain chances, but they wouldn't with me. And I don't think they would with you either.

I would never get an hour. And I don't care either. You move on. I am going to do an hour. and I'll put it on wherever the fuck I want to put it. You know what in this career you're going to do 90 hours. Yeah. It's going to be with them or without them.

That's right. They either sign on or you're going to do whatever the fuck you do. Because I am doing an hour and Dice is going to produce it. Are you? Yeah. Because they offered it at Showtime, the guy said, let's do an hour with her. A little Arab dude. Well, actually it was Montoya.

But he was like, you know, everybody loves her. There's a little Arab dude at Showtime. I did a movie for him. Montoya. Is it Gary? Garfongong? No, it's a little guy. Because we also have a show.

Dice sold a show to Showtime, straight to series. And it's kind of about, we were going to do it as a reality show, but then we wanted to do it like a hybrid, like a scripted. And we used to pitch it together. And then Scott Armstrong came on board, who did like old school and hangover. So he was like, let me fix this. And so he did with the same idea and the same shit that Dice wanted. it and it went right to series.

So it's six episodes on Showtime. So Showtime's like big in our corner, if you will. Yeah. And so now everything changed. So I might have to audition for the part that I kind of created, you fuckers. But you know what? I will. That's even better.

I will and I'll get that fucking part. You have to. Yeah. People do that just so they're safe and I get it. And that's cool. Because Scott Armstrong's the real deal. The guys, the other guys that are writing it, the first brother, Sean First,

and his brother are fucking. amazing. So I will show, I'll do flips. I'll do whatever they need me to do. I'll do head, whatever. Oh, that came out wrong. Whatever. I've, uh, last night I had a good set. The laugh factor, you killed. And as I look to the left hand side, the first person that was there to say hello was you. Yeah. And, uh, that was the last topic we wanted to touch on. You know, you're a fan of Aris. Oh, sure. You were fans of yours. Yeah, I love it.

We've all been part of a family for 20 years almost. And I think one of the basic things in growing as a comic is cheering your friends on. You know where Ari is right now? Ari is shooting a fucking movie in Atlanta with... Really? What's his name? I don't know. I'm so happy.

Hangover. Zach Galifanaka. Oh, Zach. And the dude from Madman. Jim. John Hamm. So last night I had a spot it. 8.30. And I had a spot at 1045.

Right. And I, uh, can people know that? I had a spot that I had a spot at 8. Oh, no, about Ari. Shut up. Okay. So I, uh, went over to, uh, I had a kill time. I didn't want to go to the store at 9 o'clock. I walked out of Laugh after at 9.04.

Yeah. And I got in the car and I went down, Crescent Heights. I went up and the phone rang. There was Ari and I pulled over and like, what's up? I hear in Atlanta, right? He goes, yeah, he goes, I just want to tell you something. He goes, I went on this set today. He goes, you know what the first thing I thought of?

He goes, he didn't work till he just wanted to get wardrobe and get an ad card and they trimmed his beard. Got it. And he said, he goes, I thought about when I came to see you on the southern longest yard and you got me the pastrami sandwich. And we went over and talked to whatever, how cool you were to me. And man, I want to thank you 10 years later because it is exactly 10 years. Wow. So we've all, listen, man, to grow as a human being, to grow as a comic. You know, I always say that if you walk past a piece of paper and you don't pick it up, you've got no character.

Like, nobody's watching it. That's when you're, character is what you're doing, nobody's watching. That's right. And with a comic, your character has to be big. I improved as a comic when I started working out and taking care of myself. Believe it or not. Just going to the gym and watching what to eat. You know what?

I don't need to watch Sons Anarchy until 2 in the morning. Let me go to sleep at 11 and get up at 6 and read this. And that part of being a good comic, you know, writing. is part of being a good comic. Getting on stage is part of being a good comic. But you know what the biggest part of being a great comic is? I don't know what the difference between good comics and great comics are that they really have happiness in their hearts.

Yeah. For the people around them, you know. Because it's not easy to be happy. There's a lot of motherfuckinck and I'm not going to sit here and tell you, leaves my witness. There's a lot of motherfuckers I don't like it. And I wish they get hit by a fucking train. There's a lot of people.

But the motherfuckers that I do like, that I breathe for. That you're happy. It's funny. I already had a situation a couple of weeks ago where people were attacking them. Yes. And I got a couple calls in my house. I got a million calls. Let me just tell you guys where my head is at. I'm going to tell you to your face.

I'm going to tell you to your fucking face. Nobody in my planet could come to me and tell me something about Lee. Do you know what that means? So I don't give a fuck. You want to complain to Lee? Throw a beating on Lee. But don't you ever come to me and tell me about Lee. Same thing when it comes to Elinon.

Don't come to me and tell me about it. You know, for years, people come to me and tell me what Rogan did over the weekend. And, you know, Tommy, that cuckarulo would come to me all the time and tell me when Joe comes back, he's not, and I would say to him, you know, first off, you tell me again, I'm going to smack both of you. Don't come to me and tell me about my fucking friends. Right. Don't you ever come to me. When I was a kid, I was a fucking criminal, I don't know. And I would, like, borrow.

Like, I'd go up to Illinois at a bar that hung out with dice and wheels, and they all hung out to comedy. So I go up to Illinois and go, I don't know, I want a kilo Coke. but I wouldn't pay you. The next day you'd say he's coming to the store. You go to the store and Joey wouldn't be there. So who would you go to Lee and go, what the fuck is your punk-ass friend? Right.

And my friends used to say, number one, you want to tell you talk about him. I don't care what the fuck went down. And number two, don't come and talk to me about my fucking friends. Don't you ever come and disrespect me about my friends. Go tell them. I don't give a fuck. Because in my world, Lee, you don't do nothing wrong.

Right. I don't give a fuck if a chick is about to die. You're on the side. You kick her in the fucking stomach and she dies on the boards. In my world, you did nothing wrong. That's how I was raised. When you got friends, they don't do nothing wrong.

When you live and die for a motherfucker because it's a big difference in acquaintances and a friend and your brother. Big difference. Big difference. I'm talking about my brothers since I've been 20, nobody can come up to me

and tell me a story about my brothers. Not at any time in my life. They're my brothers and I love them and my sisters. Listen, you're bargaining out the wrong three. I don't give a fuck if they're. They shot your mother in the head point blank range. In my eyes, my friends don't do nothing wrong.

So take your fucking magic elsewhere. Right. So when I see you doing what you're doing, when I see Ari in the movies, dog, my dick gets hard. And that's what people understand. To be a great, great comic, you've got to be happy for your friends.

You've got to sincerely be fucking happy when they make a positive move. Me and we talk about 10,000 steps that get opportunities, and we say how they're going to fail, they're fucking douchebags. because they're douchebags. That's how they're thinking about

when me and Lee started a podcast. I know them. You know, when I left the store, I didn't leave the store because I left the store because I had neck surgery and they took a fucking ball out. I'm Cuban, number one.

I'm superstitious. They took a fat ball out. And when the doctor said to me, you want to see it? And he showed it to me, first thing I thought about was the store. You know what I thought about

when you get off stage and you have a good set and there's comics that come up to you and they give you a hug and they go, what's up. But there's motherfuckers that come up to you. And you can see as the words are come out of their mouth, it pains them to say it. And as you say, thank you, man. They go,

that joke, we loved him. You turn away. They go, it's probably on fucking Coke, that piece of shit. You know that. You know what comics do that, and you know what comics are really happy for you. Yeah. And when I saw that fatball, that's all I thought about. That fatball was all the negativity on my back. I'm never going to the store again. That's what happened. Once I saw that fatball, I'm like, that's the fucking store. That's that. That's, that's, that ball. that people looking at you going, ha ha ha, ha, that's a great joke, Joie. There's so many foamy fucks.

If it wasn't for fucking Rogan or Dice, that motherfucker would be nowhere. You know, so I got to tell you, and I told my wife last night, I told my wife this morning, I'm having Eleanor, and I'm very fucking proud of it because you were slinging drinks.

Me and Terry. And I'm sure that when you told people were going to be comics, they looked at you and said, whatever. Yeah. And look at you now. Mitzi first. Now you're on fucking showtime.

first. She was like, oh, no. That's what she said. But I showcased for her and I'd embalm and she liked it. You back here? No, Tommy did technically, but she stopped coming in. That's why. Because, you know, I didn't start this until 2008, 2007. I just hit eight years, February. February 1. I want to say like around the 12th. I have to look it up, but it's something like, I still have the paper. from Adam Barnhart's room in the belly room he used to hook me up a lot remember Adam Barnhart? He's still every Sunday night Good guy.

Every Sunday night he's in there. Clean sober? He also had a class. So he let me take the class and he knew I was broke so he let me take that class for free. And it was like stage time. And everybody else in the class paid and I used to feel so guilty

because I didn't, you know, so I would help him with his music or whatever the fuck you wanted. If you wanted free drinks at the store, could get you that. I still have shift drinks. I haven't drank 12 years on the fucking job. You know what I mean? So I got like 7,000 drinks left, I think.

And so I would get him, whatever he wanted. Waters, anything he needed at the store. You know, and Mitzie, you know, said he never gets to, because he's such a good guy. So she's like, just leave him, leave his show alone. And he does team up with other producers and try to fill that room.

But for the most part, every Sunday night he's there. Every Sunday? What time? I think it's eight eight to ten I'm gonna go see him and give him a big fucking hug oh he's the fucking greatest guy he's the greatest

he was a great he helped me so much and when I had to go on the road with dice I was only doing stand-up three months and I did that I got boot off the stage

he helped me with that first eight minutes big time and he knows he's a coach he knows really well he used to give me some great hugs people to say what you let that gay guy hug you like that

oh he's the fucking funnier he's the best he's fucking gay balls that motherfucker will fight he don't give a fuck that dude will fight you he'll stab you I love Adam Barnard That's my boy right there

I want to go see you I didn't even know he was back at the store He's been there He's never like every Sunday night he's there And he also like he helps people In halfway houses and stuff He does a lot He does a lot lot lot

He went down there He went down there all he was on that meth for a while Oh yeah him and his brother How fucking weird is that How weird is that And they're both gay And my favorite joke is how he tells his father because he fights with his dad because both

of sons are gay. He's like, your balls are like the gay factory. You know, I'm not doing it perfect, but the way Adam does it. He's like the Willie Wonka gay factory you've got in your balls. You're shoot-now faggots. And he does his whole thing.

It's the best. He's so funny. I want you over there today, my brother. Lee, are you all right? Oh, yeah. There's a good eye today, huh? It's a smooth. I mean, they're all fun. I mean, there's never a bad one. I'll smoke some hatch now.

I get you cooking with gas, cucksuckers. I'm cooking with gas. This weekend, I will be at the Tempe Improbs starting tomorrow night with my man Diagostino. Eleanor will be at... I would be at the Hard Rock Hotel, Las Vegas. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And then also Dice's kids are there playing in their killer band, L.A. rocks.

You guys got to start playing some L.A. rocks. I saw him on Conan, whatever they were. They killed. The late late show with Billy Gardele. Yep. Billy Gardele. And then they're going to be playing. playing Thursday and Sunday in Vegas at the same room,

but late night, like 11 or 12th or something like that. Good. So it's killer. So I'm in the Tempe Improft Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Wednesday night, Decical Testaments is back at the motherfucking ice house, 8 o'clock Wednesday night to 29th. Also, for you bad motherfuckers that are sitting at home scratching your ass

not doing nothing this weekend, Iron Dragon TV is still there for you. Iron DragonTV.com. He's the leader in motherfucking classic martial arts films. Brotherhood of Blood, enter the Fat Dragon. They got them all. They got them fucking all. You understand me? All you got to do is go to Iron Dragon TV right now.

You're thinking I'm watching some classic martial arts right now. Go to Iron Dragon TV. See what they got to offer you? They got some great fucking classic martial art films. They have Man Series. They got Jackie Chan. Go on there, press in the code word. Joey.

Boom. You get two free fucking movies on the arm like that. That's how we rolled. Two free fucking movies. All right. Just in case you're looking for optimization to the total fucking max You want the best that you can be

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By the way, M-D. sent me a little cargo bag last way. I got some stuff for you at the house, Lee. They sent me a long-sleeveed fucking shirt. They're like rash guard growing a little lighter. They pulled the sweat and the heat from your body. I mean, they're underwear. are sensational. We've got men and women's selection of underwear. They got little boxer shorts. They got fucking shorts like sweatpants. They cut off.

You look like a runaway slave. You know those little slave shorts they had in the fucking 8,500? I think you're talking with the boy shirts that you hate someone. No, these are longer. They're sweatpants that they cut at the knees with a little string around them. I've worked out with them both days. Comfortable the shit, I had the blue pair and the pink pair. That's right. I wore pink pair. I don't give a fuck. It's a rough pink. What do I give a fuck? I'm 52. I never sucked a dick in my life. What I got to be on, unconscious survival?

Anyway, hold on one day. I have, and I don't know I'm wearing pink. Pink. But that's you because you're a fucking mutage. Me, I'm the king of swing. I'm a slinging bix in 78, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, go to meandies.com right now.

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I'm by myself. Where's my twin? You don't need that with it because your nuts are compact. They stay right in there. Go to meondis.com right now. I'm pressing the code word. Joey. Joey can get 20% off plus free shipping, right?

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Shippings and a cost you about a buck 90. Why are you crying, bitch? Why are you crying, bitch? I'm sending you $40 worth of snacks, nutrition, straight to your house. So I want to give another shout out to honet, iron dragontiv.com, Beyondees.com and naturebox.com. All right, cocksackers, and that's it. It's going to be a beautiful week.

Houston, I miss you guys already, but it's Tempe's turn. I'm going to go down there. We're going to fucking rock the house, me and the Agostino. And that's it. That's how it ends, you bad motherfuckers. Do not forget, Saturday night. 11 o'clock. California time?

11 o'clock. Oh, yeah. Is it Friday? Friday. What I say, Saddle. So that means it comes out of 3 o'clock in the East Coast? No, 11 o'clock. 11 o'clock on the school.

So 8 o'clock in California. 8 o'clock in California. 8 o'clock. California, listen, if I know you're out, getting your dick suck. I don't expect you to sit there and watch, I don't know, but do me a favor. DVR it. You come home and that with your girlfriend, then you watch Eleanor. Okay?

Do me that favor as a personal. Andrew Dice Clay was one of the guys that helped me realize I was going to get into comedy, which means he's saving my life in a way. So I'm not here just talking shit about people that every one of these comics, man, they spark a new fucking comic, and that means you've done your job, you know? So please support Andrew, support my girl, Eleanor and Colin and Jason Ross and, wheels perisi. I love you guys. We will be back Monday night with Dennis, the fucking pimp of pimps to promote his new book from the bunny branch. You'll be here Monday night at 8 o'clock at night with some freaks.

Did he have the same girlfriend? I don't know. A different one's coming. Lee says he's going to, he bring her a chick that they call her Judy one tooth. She's going to suck Lee's nut right out of your fucking asshole. Wait, wait, wait, wait, before we go, tell them why you like the one tooth. That's a big thing for you. You like having a chick with one tooth suck your dick. Would you stop? This thing is like Is it a scrape?

I don't know what he's talking about. He's high as fuck. Don't listen to this fucking guy. I love you guys. Stay black. Eleanor Kerrigan. I love you. Where are you going to be beside Vegas this week?

Where else can they see? You have a webpage? Yes, I do have a website. Eleanor J. Kerrigan. Dot com. Go check her out. She's a dear friend. And she's got balls of steel to do what she does.

Never complains. A lot of people when I walked in last night was like, I'm going to rush. Can I get on. No. She hung around and she did her job. That's why she gets the utmost respect for me. Thank you very much, motherfuckers. Thank you for supporting the church.

Thank you for supporting Lee and his podcast. And if you want consulting on your podcast, please hit Lee up and Twitter. He'll call you up. He'll come to your house. He'll fix your wires. He'll stick an electronic microphone up your ass if you need to get that podcast out of you. But Lee's available for consulting.

I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great week. Monday night, 8 o'clock. Thank you, Ellen. Thank you. I love Lee's face. Yeah, I'm kind of confused.

Do you do consultant? I've started to. Oh, good. It's been a lot of fun. Do you do websites and stuff like that? No, but I'm going to do the ads, and then they don't want to hear this. Oh, shit. Now that the show is over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sample box of great tasting, healthy snacks.

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