The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #278 - Kira Soltanovich, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 30, 2015

Kira Soltanovich, Comedian and actress, who is shooting her new comedy special this Mother's Day, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. Support Kira's Tubestart for her special here: https://www.tubestart.com/projects/the-kira-soltanovich-one-hour-comedy-special/7624#/.VSl9G_yNN6s.facebook This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. 
Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box 
Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. 
Recorded live on 04/28/2015.
 Music:
 Band On The Run - Paul McCartney and Wings Hello It's Me - Todd Rundgren

This podcast is sponsored by Naturebox. NatureBox ships great-tasting, healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free NatureBox sampler box at NatureBox.com at NatureBox.com. That's right. Free NatureBox snacks are found at naturebox.com slash Joey.

Show is also brought to you by MeUndies.com. When you go to MeUndies.com, check out the picks of the men's and women. women's underwear they have. They have short sleeve shirts, long sleeve shirts, socks, anything you want to wear, go to meundees.com. And when you go to meundees.com slash joey, you're going to get 20% off of your first order. And they're also going to give you free shipping in the United States and Canada. Go to onit.com and use co-wear church to get 10% off of all their great optimization products like alpha brain, new mood, shum tech immune, shum tech sport. It's co-word church to get 10% off. And go to iron dragontivy.com.

Iron Dragon TV is a Roku channel with all of your favorite martial arts movies. They have Onat Lab videos and they have more 4K than anybody. Even more than Netflix. When you go to Iron Dragon TV.com, use coerjohn, Joey, to get two free rentals. Oh shit. The church of what's happened now in a beautiful Tuesday afternoon in Los Angeles. Lee Syatt, Kirasoltonovich, and the motherfucking house. Little Paul McCartney.

And wings, band on the run for you fucking savages today. It's as good as it gets, man. We know about this week. Listen to this motherfucking guitar here. I don't know anything about this. Putting shit to sleep. Stuck inside these four walls. Are you fucking kidding me or one?

Have you played this driving? No, I played at the house a lot. Never seen no one. He just feed it up a little bit. Catch this fucking guitar. How far? Again 10 seconds

You Bad ass fucking guitar Lisa 10 more Who gives the fuck It's Tuesday There you go There you go

Oh shit motherfuckers The church of what's happening now Coming alive talk suckers Look at the album cover this You know who's on the album cover James motherfucking Colbert A bunch of people on the album cover.

Tremendous album cover. Hit it Lee. If I ever get out. That was you last night. Oh shit. All right. Cut that motherfucker. How are you today, my brother?

How are you feeling? I survived. I survived. How did you recover this morning? What time did you fall asleep? Oh, my God. I fell asleep right around like midnight, but I always do this.

I'll pass out when I'm super stoned. And then I'll wake up. So I was so high that I heard, like, I just forgot the shows I was watching, like a couple of them ended. Like, I tried to watch Josh Blue's new special. And when I saw the beginning was good, but I just, like, passed out. And I turned on one of these TV channels that just has movies constantly running. And the beginning of the longest yard, it just started.

So I watched that, believe it or not. And I went to the gym this morning. I could only do, like, 40 minutes. You were tired. I was still high. We got them fucked up last night. Oh, my God. But it was, it wasn't, it was like fun.

Like that, that gummy and like just a little bit of the tibatoo was really fun. It was, not really. Okay. Well, we're going to do it tomorrow. Tomorrow, the next day, the next day, the next day, the next, tomorrow we got a deep nut at the ice house. I know. What's the story of you, beautiful?

You guys talking edibles? Is that what you? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. God, it's such a different world. Guess you fucked up. When I was a kid, we didn't have. I hate starting sentences like that.

And you grew up in San Francisco. Yeah. Oh, no, don't get me wrong. We built bong. out of an apple corn and a toilet paper roll. But all the gummy bears and the funions, that was because you were high and now you're eating them to get high, which seems like a vicious circle.

It really does. Sometimes I have an edible, like a cookie. And then you need a snack. No, and I'll eat the edible, and then I'll say, what the fuck do I have that sweet in the house? My wife didn't buy nothing sweet. Ooh, I got that peanut butter cookie from Anarchy Edibles.

You're the only person who does that. Here I am fucked up to the gills. Right. And I'll eat this cookie because I know I'm just going to dream. in color. And then did you guys get high because of the bunny ranch people were here? No, no, we just got a high because it was Monday. You know, got it, got it.

Monday, sure. Are you allowed to do that when you're pregnant? No. Oh, God. I don't know. No. It's just a plan, no. Oh, I can barely have coffee.

They, like, really frown upon that. Have you ever walked in with a big old pregnant belly into a Starbucks? Alarms go off. Woo. Oh, those fucking Gentile are. I know. The yoga moms and the girl. And I love, I'm addicted to coffee.

That's definitely my addiction. But I feel like a crackhead sometimes. Like I want to sneak some. Like I'll lie about it to my husband. You can drink non-caffeine. You can. You can even drink regular caffeinated coffee. No one cares.

But, you know, when you live in L.A. And everyone's a little bit more crunchy granola than everyone else in the country. And they're like, it goes straight through your placenta into the baby's heart. Makes you feel terrible inside. So I try to cut down. Fuck it, the baby will be a drummer. You know what I'm saying? My four-year-old already is.

Is he really? Oh, my God. Shirt off. He wants his shirt off and just underwear and he just sits there drumming. That's my boy. I love it. I love it. Yeah.

It's like he knows he needs to get his like armpits loose. You know, he doesn't want anything constricting him. Does he get drum lessons? No, we don't have lessons because I'm not spending money on that bullshit because we give him swimming lessons and he can barely concentrate on that. But we just let him drum. has a little drum kit he's been drumming since he was a year and a half does drive you crazy a little bit yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I tried to sneak some uh um what of those um those brushes instead of drumsticks

brushes to make a little bit yeah make a little bit yeah make a little bit yeah he's like what he looked at me like what the fuck is this what is this we gotta make noise yeah we're here to make noise i tried to sneak other drumsticks like they're these special ones that are padded every time i try to sneak something in he's like no i just give me like a big wooden block I was reading this article yesterday about like stuff that will remind you about the decade you went to school. And when I was going to school, everyone took the recorder. And then I also did a year of the violin. So I can only imagine like the recorder must sound just terrible.

What's a recorder? Like the little flute almost like flute thing? The cheapest flute, it's like one, just one long penile looking instrument. I played the recorder too. Hot cross buns. Hot cross buns. Like that's the first instrument you get. There's like, instant.

Five holes. I never played no fucking recorder. Yeah. Yeah. Well. I played the bass and I was in a band for a while. You played upright bass? Yeah, upright bass.

I got a band. Oh, okay. No, so electric. Like electric bass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to cello camp. Oh, God. Ridiculous.

That's brutal. Why? I don't understand how my parents, I don't know. They just want to get rid of me. So anytime there was like a camp, they could get rid of me for the summer. They would send me that camp. But one summer was cello camp. I didn't really go to a lot of camps early on.

The camps I went to as a young man was come home camp. Like in the Bronx, you went to the camp for the day. They took your swim in. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah. You went, you know, at the end, I think you had fucking camped one night. There's some shit and some national park in the Bronx or something with animals. With Puerto Ricans dressed as bears and shit.

But I never really went to camps until later on. It was interesting when we were starting the podcast before we started. We were talking about the hot thing on Facebook today that the mom beat the Fuck. That kid, great smacks to the head. And, you know, it's some people on Facebook are all for it. Like, they understand where the mom was coming from? Yeah.

Some people on Facebook are just fucking lost. Really? Like, oh, my God, this is what's wrong with America. Bap, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, I grew up in a house where my mom's word was the law. I didn't have a dad. My dad died when I was three. So my mom remarried, but we didn't give them too much control over that thing.

That was my mom's basic. And I remember, as I was watching it, I actually remember I exaggerate to you. I actually remember five ass kicks that I got that way. A couple punches to the head, a couple smacks, a bloody lip. What did you do? What did you do to deserve one of those? One time, I really remember one time when she beat me up with a purse

because I wouldn't get off the mule on 86th Street and Broadway. There used to be a city bank around the corner. I don't know what it was. It's a city bank now. It could be something different. This was 50 fucking years ago. Yeah. I'm 52.

This was 47 years ago, 48. years ago. And right on Broadway there, crossing the Blimpy base on 86th Street, there was a guy that let you take pictures of them with a fucking on a meal. And I wouldn't get off the meal. My mom asked me like 10 times and she beat the fuck

out of me on the meal until I got off the meal. But she hit me with the purse. And there's a guy that I still talked to, a friend of my mom's in Miami that said I could live to be 100. And I'll never forget that day. Driving on Broadway and seeing your mom whacking you with that purse all.

all the way home. One time when I wouldn't make my bed, she came to her barbecue and yank me out of there. I remember that beat. Yeah. And that was 14, 13. Uh-huh. I definitely remember a smack to the face.

She gave me a week before she died for fucking missing my curfew. Not the curfew. I didn't have a curfew for missing Laquale. Uh-huh. I remember I pouring a milk over my head at a restaurant because I kept fussing with the fucking food. And she's like, you're too skinny.

I was sickly. She goes, you got to drink this fucking milk. And I go, I want a milkshake. And they go, they don't make milk shakes. But what they'll do for you is they'll get milk and they'll put the ice cream on top of the milk. Right. Like a float.

Yeah. And I didn't want that. So as I drank the milk, I put it down. And she goes, you're not going to drink it. No, and she took it in this fucking restaurant. Now, granted, I'm sick. Add, like, a little bit of a temperature. And I had to go to Catholic school.

Because in those days, we got the day. her as a family and then she would drop me off at capitalist school about five o'clock on Sunday and then she'd pick me up Thursday. This is a Catholic school that went to the straight-me-out, like early on. Wait, so it was like a boarding school? From third to fifth grade, I went to boarding school. Okay. So when I'm sitting there at the table, I wouldn't.

Now, here I have my suit to go back to boarding school, the whole fucking thing. And she's going back and forth with me on this. We're going back on. I'm not going to fucking drink it. I said, because you're going to drink it. You're going to drink it. I'm telling you you're going to drink this. fucking thing. And I'm not going to drink it. I'll never forget she took the milk,

poured it over my head, and the milk went down my face, but the ice cream sat on my head. And I cried for like two minutes, and little by little I could feel the ice cream shifting. And it finally just fell on my suit. Then she took me in the fucking bathroom. She made me change. She washed it. And while she was washing, she was, you got a fucking temperature. I go, okay. And she goes, hold on. She went up. purse. She took out a syringe with penicillin. And she shot me in the fucking bathroom. Because I was really sickly when I was

a kid. And my mom would always have penicillin with the fucking needles right in the fucking purse. The doctor had, Orlando Del Valle. See, this is how much this country has changed. In the old days, when you had a doctor would come to your house. For an extra 20 bucks. Who gives a fuck? Come to my house. He would come to your house. He'd give

your prescription. They didn't call it in those days. They didn't zip at the CVS. You had to bring the piece a paper to CVS yourself or whatever, but he would shoot me with penicillin and then he would give my mom a penicillin the syringe. Because after they

usually give you a penicillin, your temperature goes up. You have a weird reaction to it. Kids, I would always get that reaction so the next day my mom would have to stop what she was doing and hauled me to the doctor. We were so close with the doctor, it was a Cuban doctor that the doctor finally said, fuck it, I'd just leave you a syringe in penicillin.

So my mom would blast me. She would bend me over and just blast me in the fucking ass. And I'll have a lump on my ass, like a blood clots. You don't give a fuck. Humans don't give a fuck about blood clots. That don't affect us. Oh, my God. But you never got syphilis after that.

No. Because that's what they give you if you get syphilis. It probably made your body immune to any STD. When you have a cold. I've never heard of penicillin for a cold. Yeah, yeah. When you have a cold in the 70s, they give you a shot of penicillin. When you had a throat, I would always have throat problems.

Right, right, right. They give you a shot of penicillin. Wow. Okay. And then the penicill would offset it. You'd get a temperature even higher overnight. Right. So my mom would be prepared with another fucking shot in the ass.

Unbelievable. I went to give blood today and I didn't faint. I had to leave my house at 6 to get to Hollywood by 6.30. I went and got breakfast. For something specific? Were you giving blood for? I was giving blood because they're a prescription. They wanted to see what the range was.

But I owed them for two blood tests. I owned for one from November, which I never went down there and got. This I got the call in February and January, and I just went down in April. was Tonal Lee. Tomorrow I'm going to go for the, I hate fucking needles. Yeah, I can imagine. I fucking hate needles.

Because you associate them with penicillin in your ass. But no, the crazy thing with this fucking doctor was, he was a cokehead, right? Dr. Del Valle was a bad motherfucker. I knew Orlando since the time I was a little kid to the time I was in high school. When I was in high school, even after my mother died, I still went to see him.

But when I was a kid, Orlando knew that I didn't like needles. So whenever my mom and staff, that called him and said, Coco's sick, he would love it because he would always make that his last stop because he knew that my mom and dad would offer him a drink or whatever. So he would have a drink with my mom and dad.

They would come in and take my temperature, and he'd go, so Antonio, I have to give you a needle. And I go, let me think about it. So he'd go, great. He'd go out and living room and have drinks with my mom and dad, like three or four drinks. He'd do a blast. This guy did blow.

He'd do a couple. I didn't know it at the time. He'd come back with his jaw going all crazy. And I'd look at my mom, like, why is this fucking Joe going? I didn't know. I didn't know until later on as I got older. I saw him in a club one night,

and he was all fucked up when he asked me for coke. And I know, I asked, yeah, he asked me for coke, and I told him I had aspirin. He goes, what do you got for the head? And I go, aspirin. He goes, oh, don't tell me that. This guy was a freak. Towards the end, I was trading him cocaine for steroid prescriptions

for a friend of mine. I would just go up there, give him like an eight-borne. He'd give me, like, 10 steroid prescriptions. And then finally, his kids stole his prescription, Brooke in the 80s. He got busted. And he lost his license. Yeah.

Yeah, absolutely. So that's how crazy this was. Unbelievable. Now, would you ever give your kid just a shot? Like, could you ever do that? Just come over here. Let me give you a shot in your ass. I don't know if I could handle that.

That would be too much for me. I can't. I could. But I know my fucking crazy wife could do it. She would do it. Yeah, she's in Tennessee. She'll give you a noodle. My kid had a house call from a doctor two weekends ago.

He had an earache or an ear infection. We couldn't even, I've never heard this kid scream for so many hours at such a decimal. Am I saying that correctly? Decimal. Like for hours, I called the doctor on a Saturday and he heard my kid in the background. I was in a different room. I went to a different room so I could make the phone call. The doctor's like, I hear your kid screaming.

I'm coming over. So we had a house call. They tried you? Yeah, I don't care. And this doctor is also an acupuncture. because he does like everything like he's homeopathic. He put two acupuncture needles in both my kids' ears and it drained. And in an hour, he was calm.

I couldn't believe it. It's like, thank God. I will write you three checks like this. It's so worth it because I could not do that. When I was a kid, if I was screaming like that, my parents would like, shut up and sit down. Like they had no patience for any kind of your kid's not feeling good or zero. No. Immigrant parents.

Yeah, they're just... You know, there was a rule in my house. My mom had a rule. I understand you get sick. Yeah. Just do me a favor. Go to school. Go to school. Oh, my God.

If you puke in school, Don, I know you're sick. If I wouldn't go to school, I wasn't a lot out of three. But if I went to school and got sent home from school, I was a lot out. My mom had weird rules. Yeah. Yeah. Your mom probably didn't have that sawdust that they had. in our school so she didn't want to have to cover the puke up herself.

She's like, go puke at school because they can cover that up with that. Did you have that when you were a kid? They sprinkle this like, this like dust. Do you remember that? My mom didn't let me do anything. Like if I didn't go to school, there was no TV. There was no rate. Like I couldn't watch anything.

I couldn't do anything. My mom only hit me a couple times and it was mostly like just banking. Like she never like hit me, hit me. But you brought it up before the podcast. If any, I was at my friend's house and they would yell at their parents. And it's like, what are you doing? Like, in my dad, I don't think my dad ever hit me, but my dad was loud. My dad was on the radio.

He knew how to get loud. So, like, I, up until a few years ago, I was still scared of my parents. But you probably grew up with a lot of kids that did get hit as well, right? All the kids in the neighborhood, right? Launched. See, I did it. Launched. Yeah.

And so I was always embarrassed. I felt like I had to hide it, like, live undercover the fact that I would get smacked. So if a friend of mine was coming home with me and we were past curfew, I had to prepare her for what was about to happen. She was not used to the wrath of my mom. My mom would swing the door open and just grab me by the hair. And I have these like white scared friends. They're like, what the fuck is happening? And I had to like make excuses.

Because it all be in Russian too. So I was like, oh, she's just saying, she's just giving me like a list of things I have to do. No, she was swearing at me. she was cursing me out, but because it was in Russian, I could, like, make up a story and cover it. Because I was embarrassed. But your friends were probably all getting smacked around, too.

None of my friends got hit. All my friends got fucking punched me. Big difference. I had a friend that his dad would punch him at the school. Like, he'd fucking get up bleeding. His dad would talk to the teacher with crossed arms. And he'd be standing right there. And he'd just backhand him.

And the kid would go down, glasses busted. He'd get up again, fucking pound them again. When I went to Catholic school, there was a kid, Leslie Rubero, who bailed me out when we attacked a nun. We got beat up by a nun. I did, so he attacked the nun. Leslie helped me.

His father used to throw fucking bombs at him. Now, when I got into that altercation with the teacher, I was in the fifth grade. Leslie's father was already throwing bombs at them, guys. I'm talking from fucking men bombs. Bam in the chest.

Carmine Balzano, who I'm going to talk about tomorrow night in the thing. He used to pulverize fucking kids. Left hooks. Do I see the need for that? Do I want to beat mercy? My daughter like that? I don't think so. If I had a boy, I think sometimes it's parental frustration. Yeah, a lot of the times. Yesterday's beating was classic. That was no frustration. That was a mom saying,

you're fucking slipping. I don't give a fuck what the rest of the kids are doing. You've got to be an individualist. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and she smacked the fuck. got them and that's those are the beatings i got i think because she was also wearing a cop's uniform the irony of it no i'm kidding she wasn't but can you match well it's just sometimes police mom brutality if you see like a kid getting beat up like you had an issue a year or so ago where you start getting beat up it feels like it makes you feel bad but that watching it yesterday that was like a teenager and like the mom was hitting him but she

wasn't like punching him she was just like hitting him in the head fucking smack on man yeah good fucking smacks to the head you know also that was more to embarrass him too. You know, because he was probably there with his other friends and they probably had a plan. We're going to loot this. We're going to do this, whatever. And look, I get it. They're all frustrated.

Fine. But there was also, like a lot of the times, I think the parents do it to send a message. Like, don't try to act out. Don't think I'm not going to find you and do this to you in public. Because hitting your kid at home is one thing. You know, you didn't make your bed and then your mom smacks. You go into your room. You make your bed.

But that's all done in privacy. But if you think about it 30 years later. it wasn't about me making the bet. It was about her telling me something and me telling her fighting with her. That got under my mom's craw. Of course. That used to, and that's what gets under every mom's crawl.

The why. Absolutely. The why. Why? Because I fucking said it. That's why. You know, I see these kids today that say shit. If my neighbor, if you were 16 and you went home, and your dad said, all right, before we, let's say a prayer.

Like, I went to some of these house 10 years ago, and the father said this, party and the father said and the kid goes, we don't pray because, you know, there's an atheist god that, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. In my neighborhood, if you said that to your dad, your dad would reach across and beat the fuck out of you, you know, or dad would say, you know what, since you don't believe in the same God I can't, I believe in, get the fuck out of. You ain't eating my fucking food, bitch. You know, that's tough love, but it's also, you know, the beatings that I got, I remembered wine. I never did it.

Yeah. You know, like... But you just did something else. My mom didn't want me to... She didn't like the talking back. Yeah. She didn't like the... I think of the immigrant mom.

When I was five, I had this... Not this gold chain, but I had something this thick and the same. Yeah. My mom would put this gold chain on me in New York City when I was five and say, come home with that. Don't let nobody touch it. I remember one day I was getting an ice cream from Mr. Softie and she was watching from the window. And the guy goes, can I see your chain?

and he touched my chain. My mom flew downstairs and almost fucking killed me. Because my mom, I didn't have a dad. So my mom was wearing two hats. Right. You know, five years ago, four years ago, I went to the YMCA one night, I was hitting the bag.

And I wanted to hit the bag, I couldn't hit the bag because I was an Indian mom, American Indian, Hindu, not the boo-boo, but the other one, had her kitten there with handwraps, not even hand wraps, but towels, and she was teaching him how to hit the bag. And I could hear, you know, I was wondering why.

Why? Why would a mother take her son to hit the bag? I mean, and at the end, the mother goes, you keep doing this, and those kids will not tease you in school anymore. What mom in today's society says that all they're doing is making documentaries, how my kid is getting bullied, but they're not teaching them how to fight back, how to stick up for himself. Right, right.

I care, I got no reason a lot of you. brought a tear to my eye. Yeah, of course. I got overcome with emotion because that was my mom. My mom used to say, this is what needs to be done. Don't let this. I still remember going home one day and getting beat up at the park. And my mom's finally out about it.

And the next day, me began home, and I'm going, get dressed. We're going to go to the park. I'm like, for what? And she's like, we're going to go see what happened yesterday. We're going to go take care of it. She made me walk up to that kid and smacked that 17-year-old in the face when I was 14. And then let the kid beat me out. We fought again.

But my mom goes, you never come back to this house hit. Never in your life. Does a man stay hit? Not in this fucking house. You get onto a beef. That kid hits you. You hit them back.

Then you come home. Don't ever stay hit. Even if you get beat up. Come home. We got a sandwich and go back tomorrow next day and fight this motherfucker again, but don't stay hit. Because then everybody will beat up on you.

Yeah. You know, but if you fight for your shit, they won't. So what would you say if, what would your mom say if you started the fight? If I was 17 and whatever My mom would say you're a little bigger than him My mom was one of those people

My mom understood I'm gonna come home from Catholic school And having an attitude Like I would leave on Sundays And come back Thursday nights My mom telling me on Thursday nights There's some kids that want to fight you tomorrow Get ready to fight at her bar

And her bar My mom would make me fight though Get out there Get out there What are the options? What do you do with your kid? What the fuck do? do you do yeah a couple weeks ago i went to this jujitsu tournament it was a guy's tournament but there

was these two 12 year old girls and they were juicitsu and one girl had the other girl like by seven or eight inches but that little Asian girl was holding her own i got so over fucking welled with with uh with emotion because i know my even if i die next year if my daughter gets into jujitsu she'll never be raped she'll never this jiu jitsu is a great way for women to empower themselves your strength is on your back where women never want to be unless you're a dirty fucking whore but if I throw you down, Kira

that's what Jiu-Jitsu is, you're back so when I go to rip your shirt off from now on you're going to break my fucking elbow because Jiu-Jitsu is not for a big guy to do the little guy Jiu-Jitsu is constructed for a little guy to work on a big guy

I went yesterday Jiu-Jitsu and I seen what John Salami weighs 165 pounds he was throwing me around like a fucking kettlebell He swept me one time. I went four feet in the air because they used technique. So you're going to get these young girls, and they've got to keep drilling arm bars.

Like fucking Rhonda Rousey. That's what you're going to get now. Ronda Rousey has opened. Ronda Rouse is a U.S. C store and everything, but she also letting women know that the party's over for a while. If a woman really doesn't want to be a victim no more, she doesn't have to be a victim. I'm going to rest better as a father if I know my daughters could take care of themselves.

Yeah. I know if a guy pushes my daughter back on her back, guess what you just went into her world jerk off jujitsu is you between my legs and my guard go ahead try to take my pants off I will break both your fucking elbows

even if you have me over a hundred pounds because I'm gonna make that little girl drill that fucking arm bar like they did around the house where she could catch it from everywhere she could catch it her sleep with one arm so you so the woman if the woman is the victim in the situation and she's on her back that's actually beneficial That's jujitsu. That's your world.

Got it. You're learning how to sweep men, how to choke people out from your back. How to triangle motherfucker. So let's say the guy wants to rape and eat your pussy. Boom, that's your world. When he puts his head between your legs, you're going to triangle this motherfucker. And with that triangle, you're going to choke him out. He's going to lose consciousness.

And then you're going to go get your knife out of your purse. Well, let's not get carried away. Let him finish what he started. If he's any good, you know, we'll let him finish. And then, you son of a bitch. You cock, suck. breaking into my window and eat my asshole.

But it gave me, nobody wants their kid getting hit. Think of how you felt with your child with an earache. You were helpless. Think of your child comes home and says, Mommy, this kid hit me. What are you going to do? Call him his parents and studio. No, I don't. I tell him. Come over here. This is what needs to be done. Yeah.

It's time he hits you and knock him out. Don't tell Mommy told you. Don't tell daddy, Mommy told you either. But you knock that motherfucker out. Do you know my mom used to tell me to do? This is just so, ridiculous in old school. You know, you make a V with your fingers and she's like, you take fingers, you put

them in eyeballs. And I'm like, mom, I'm not going to do that. You take your fingers into their eyeballs. And if they do that to you, you put your hand up to your nose and you block the, like she would, that was her Russian style martial arts.

You can block with your hand on your nose. That's how their fingers can't reach your eyeballs. I'm like, what are you teaching me? Like, you know, the three stooges self-de-vents, she's like, it work every time. Every, that's, that was her go-to thing. To this day, she'll stay, she'll still say that. The fingers and the eyeballs. I laugh at moms.

I laugh at moms when I go to, like, studio city events. Like Farmer's Market? Yeah, like, I just laugh at moms because it's like, I can look at these kids. This kid's going to have a hard fucking timeline around his life. The mom's half a fruitcake. The dad's got sandals on. around like life is beautiful. You know, you're going to see those

dads at the farmer's market? They walk around like, I can't believe they wear sand dolls. And they hold their babies and the wife and her friend that can't get laid to be arrested. I'm like, oh, you have such a good man, and he's bouncing around. Meanwhile, this guy's thinking about fucking going home and watching the New England Patriot fucking game.

He's living in hell himself because it's Sunday fucking morning. He wants to be walking around a farmer's market. I like the farmer's market. I don't give a fuck about football. I go there, I get a pizza with the wife. We go there quick, though. quick. Yeah. Yeah.

I go to the farm. They have good breakfast burritos. Do they? At that farm is market? Yeah. Yeah. Good to see. And tamales.

Yeah. Oh my godly. They got good tamales. Like, but they're not tamales like the mother-in-law makes. Oh, okay. You know, like New Age. Like spicy green pork and

and gutta cheese with goat cheese sprinkled on. Get the fuck out of it. Mexicans don't eat the goat cheese. They eat the goat, bitch. But they're still good. I'll still put some of them down. Yeah. Yeah.

You let a lot of things slide in L.A. They try to mix things up. You know, they'll try to... I went to a place where you just want to get, like, some Chinese food, just some greasy Chinese food. And they're like, well, you know, it's Tempe. And I'm like, oh, just whatever. Just throw some sauce on it and I'll eat it.

You know, it's got good Chinese food, I forget. I cannot find good Chinese food in L. Well, there's not good Chinese food, but you know who's got really okay Chinese food there. Interesting. Across the street from the Laugh factory. Oh, really? That little more.

It's like all natural. I've ordered from there before. Yes. It's not world class. It's not great. But she tries hard. The pork fried rice isn't bad. The Chinese, and they're real Chinese.

Yeah, that's important. So that's a plus. I grew up in San Francisco. So I've had the best Chinese food. And you can't find it in Los Angeles property. You have to go out to like, what is it? It's out the tent. You've got to go east of L.A.

Oh, Monterey Park. Thank you. Thank you. And they got good. They got a good, what you like. Dibsum. Dibsum on Sundays and dumplings. In 85, I used to go to a place on Venice on San Francisco.

It used to be called North Star Chinese restaurant. It was Seshwan style. And I get the shredded beef with the carrots and with the cucumbers. Well, not cucumbers is celery over white rice. Fucking tremendous. I never liked the Chinatown food in San Francisco. You don't even go to Chinatown. It's not too real for me.

For tourists. But you go into a Chinese restaurant in the sunset, like the inner sunset, and everyone's Chinese, that's the place you want to eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's the seven immortals, that was where we're written to. You know, I lived in the tenderloin, right? Did you? In 1985, Rich Vermeer's up there.

Oh, my God. The tenderloin was real. Oh, shit. I live at the Virginia Hotel, which is now the, what's across the street where they do comedy in different languages on Schrader? the hostel. It's a hostel now, the Virginia Hotel. So when I was in high school, my dad had a warehouse.

He's a plumber in the tenderloin. And so sometimes I'd have to take the bus and then go meet him there. And I just, I got so used to walking through the tenderloin. Nothing scared me after that. Nothing. It's not a big area, but it's just,

even those four city blocks. I mean... I used to live by original Joe's. Yeah. The worst blood bath I ever saw was outside of original Joe's. Two guys stabbed. The blood was brown. Oh, my God.

They were on the street. What's worse? Skid Row or Tenderloin? In 1985, the worst place I had ever seen in my life was San Francisco. Wow. 1985. It wasn't cleaned up yet. It was fucking wild guys.

I saw some violence, man. I didn't see fist fights. I saw it. Sticks, knives, new chucks. I saw some wild. I used to work on. Haydashbury as a bartender on Rockin-Robbins. At the end, all at the end of Haydashbury by the Golden Grape Park,

across from McDonald's, they used to be a bar that was all Cadillacs on the wall. And whenever somebody would tip, they would press a button, all the lights, the headlights would go off on the kettle. There was a bowling alley. Bowling alley there. It was a movie theater that had couches. And I told Lee about this. They had popcorn, and they'd push fresh sticks of butter.

And you could see the butter melting, and they made chocolate chip cookies, fresh chocolate chip fucking cookies leave no gain, no candies, no nothing. Fucking popcorn with real butter and chocolate chip cookies. That sounds amazing. In San Francisco, for me at that age, was a paradise. Why did you go there? I was running for the feds.

I was running for the cops for credit card fraud and Brodha, and that's the only place I knew. I had a friend in Over the Bridge. Uh-huh, Oakland. No. Hayward. All those money places? Yeah.

They were selling Coke. They were from Jersey and what they had. I was a Coke business out there. Oh, in Marin? And they were detailing cars. So they did all their Coke transfer. And that's when you got $160 to detail a car. So I helped them out a little bit.

I was just running. I always heard it was great. And I went up there. I got off the bus. And because I took a flight to San Francisco, but a bus from the airport to the time. I didn't know. Yeah.

And I got a hotel room there. And that's where my crime spree started. Right there. It's frightening. I can't believe you live there. Cannot believe that. Coffee run. the place that had topless coffee,

waitresses, so you went to get coffee? That sounds like a terrible idea. Coffee fucking rhymes on the corner. And then the 50 steps from that. Extra cream, that's where the topless came from. 50 steps from then, there was a pawn shop where I took all my stolen shit. Anything I got, anything me and a bunch of thieves got.

And the irony is, everything. It's right next to, you know, Union Square, which is a really nice area and shopping and high floating. Right, up by Macy's. Yeah, the Sax Fifth Avenue, the whole Union Square. All the Chinese people doing Tai Chi outside the mornings. I lived right there. I lived two blocks down.

But then the tenderloin, who, what streets did you live on? Eddie, Turk? I lived on death. That's where I lived on Dead Street. And then Rich Ramirez was up there killing people. He went into somebody's house and killed an old man, took his eyeballs to go. He killed two sets of people. To go?

To go. Took his eyeballs because Satan said to take his eyeballs for strength. Oh, God. Yeah, man, I'm not kidding. He went through. He was buying weed in the tenderloin. So there was a place where we all bought weed in the hotel. And I remember going up, and that's where they confiscated the door.

That's where he wrote this thing from ACDC, Night Prouler. Yeah. And then remember when the feds went, they took the doors because he was writing in the room. He had really bad teeth, supposedly. And then I went up to that building to get weed. They were all fed. I go, I'm looking at a cop weed. They're like, they showed me a bad.

Get the fuck out. They didn't catch him. They called him down here. He got on the bus. Yeah. Square. Yeah. And went down to fucking L.A.

And they beat them up in L.A. They beat the fuck out of the streets of South to L.A. But San Francisco was bad. I left there going, I loved it. I loved the food. I loved everything about it.

I loved the weights and the... Everything I was doing, the bartending and the stealing and the fucking drugs and the... I was doing shit that... I sit back now and I just giggle. You know? But it was great.

It was great. You know, that's how the city was founded. The Barbary Coast. It was like everyone was either running. from the law or they were trying to find their fortune with the gold rush or it was all you know hookers and I mean it was like

transients and crooks and robbers I mean that's how the city first came about was just a place to go and raise hell re-cavick city what a good now it just seems overpopulated it's a completely different place now over fucking populated to the gills

you can't do anything to traffic Everyone's 25. Everyone wants to be a millionaire, but he wants to go and get that next big app and work in Silicon Valley and just, you know, the tech craze has changed the entire city. When I was a kid,

it was like a town. It was a really big town. I lived in the city, in the suburb, yeah, inside the city. And you knew everybody. You knew everybody. You'd go downtown,

you'd run into someone, because it's seven miles long. What high school did you go to? School of the arts. School of the arts. Yeah. It was inside another high school. school called Macatier, which was such a bad high school. The other schools in the area nicknamed

us Blacketeer. We had mostly black and Hispanic kids. And then we had a school of the arts inside of it, like fame in New York, you know, that same different, same thing. We were dancing on cafeteria tables, breaking out in song at the lockers, you know, all of that. But it was inside this really, really rough school where we had gangs and violence and drugs and. What did you think about stand-up? When did I think about it? I knew at six years old. Really? Six.

I didn't know what it was. I didn't know it was like a job or a career or you get paid in chicken fingers on the road. I didn't know all of those things. But I knew at six for sure. And I would ask my, I'd beg my mom help me be a stand-up comic. And she's like, go sit down, shut up. Like it was always just sit down and shut up. That was my entire chat.

childhood. And I say this with love, because I love my parents. You got brothers and sisters? I had a brother. He died. He had a heart attack at 38. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah, yeah. But you grew up with somebody else in the house. Yeah, he was much older. So, you know, he was eight years older. So when I was, let's say, eight, he was already 16, got a driver's license. He was out, out of the house. We hardly saw him. Then at 17, he decided I'm going to get a GED. I don't want to be in school anymore. At 17, he graduated basically from high school. school and then moved, like left and got out. And then came back. So then he eventually, he actually, the picture right here, I just keep looking at it with your, your fro right here. Yeah, that's my brother.

He had that big frow, that big curly Jewfro in his case. And it's just, you know, when I, when I see that, it brings back a lot of memories, those years, those eras. But, you know, it was, like, I grew up like an only child, basically. And then he came back and moved back. came with us and live with us, but I always felt like he was more of a second father. And then when I got older, he kind of accepted hanging out with me more. But it was hard for him because I was a, I was, I was, I was so much younger than him. And he looked so much older. He had a big mustache too.

And I had a boy haircut for a little while. And so people thought he was my dad. They were like, oh, your son is so adorable. And it was really, it was hard for me. I was called a boy all the time. And it didn't help that I like dressing like a boy. Now, you try San Fran for the first time. You got on stage up there?

No, down here. Did you? Yes. How old were you? Right after college. You came right down. Right, yeah. No, no, I went to college in San Diego, so I literally, technically came up.

So I'm a typical California girl, even though I don't look at, you know, San Francisco, went to San Diego State, and then L.A., now I live in L.A. I've lived in L.A. Now the longest I've lived anywhere else. 18 years? I've lived here 17 years, yeah. So we both kind of moved. I lived here.

Yeah. That's what we met at the Comedy Store pretty much. Yeah. It's pretty funny. I already told me a story this morning. He goes, this is why I like Kyra, whatever fucking name is. He goes, because, he goes, I would always see her at the store.

And one night she just came out to me and said, do we have a problem? And he goes, what he told him? He goes, I walked back. You don't say hello. You got to say something. He goes, ever since that time, I found a little kid. Because you don't fuck around. You don't put punches.

It takes a certain woman to make it in this. You guys all have one quality. And I can't put my finger on it. But the girls that have stayed because you and I have seen people come and go. They were going to be stars. Went to Montreal. Passed us up. We sat there and going, holy shit, and all of a son, God.

Yeah. You go on Facebook, they're married. They sell insurance. And you're like, you had this passion for this. Where did they go? I don't think the passion I have to stand up could ever just shut off. I have my moments with it like anybody else When Lee was editing you didn't like it

But I bet you're now you're like I bet I can go edit some I'll edit the shit out of some shit You know what I'm saying? Yeah But when you're doing it you don't you know What am I gonna get out of this business But I was in it for good Once I knew I was in I was in Like once I came here and I go well

It looks like fucking Wall Street is out You don't except felons You know We've seen them all But all you women that have stuck around All have one guan I can't put my fucking finger on. And then I read Georgia jeans post, like I told you,

that said, men hit on me. That's why I had to get out of comedy. Men hit on every fucking thing. If you work at kinkos or if you're, you know, a plumber, men are going to hit on you. And I'm being honest when I say this to you. I might be oblivious or naive. I don't think I was hit on that much.

And I'm not talking about because I'm married now, because I've been married only since 2008. So, and trust me, a wedding ring has never stopped a man anyway. Anyway. But before, you know, if you count from like the end of 97, basically 98 to when I started doing open mics, you know, kindness of strangers down here on Lancashim, right down the street is where my first, first, first stand up was. Right here, kindness of strangers, it's gone.

Vargas Mason was there the first night I was there. What was kindness of strangers? A little open mic that would go to. Okay, so Moore Park and just a hundred yards. south of Moorpark, right there on Lancashire. Right down the street from one of the McDonald's is. And there's a town, right by the church. You know, Ernie's?

There's a church. Ernie's Taco. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, I do remember that. Yeah. I was up there. Vargas Mason. He lived on Vista and me and Josh Wolf went up there on a Saturday night.

I would go there every week. That was my first open mic. But I don't think I ever got that hit on before. Maybe it's the vibe I put out. I think I put out a vibe of, I'm like kind of like you know 10% dude you know what I mean like I think I put that out so maybe that's not attractive to men I don't really have a vulnerable quality the first when you see me on stage maybe that's it but Georgia Jean beautiful girl and fantastic I never got

hate on so much that I was like this is fucking ridiculous I gotta stop going on I can't do it I I never and also because I started at the store every Sunday in 2000 for three years I was there I think that does something to you as well. That's like a boot camp, the comedy store, when you're first starting out. So for two years, I just did shitty open mics. I mean, talk about hostels and laundromats and basements and women shelters. I did a woman shelter, I remember, every Thursday. What was the place on Barham?

Right before you went to hit down to Highland. Yeah. If we were on Barham, we're going to make that fucking left on to Highland. Yeah. Boom, we're going to make that left. Right there, there's a building there now. It's been 20 things. When we first moved here, that was a place.

That was a coffee shop. They did comedy there, but they also had scripts in there. So let's say you wanted to read Breakfast Club. You go get Breakfast Club. Do you remember? And it went out of business. That was there. I mean, there was so many comedy things.

Oh, I can't remember the name. You know, I was talking to this kid the other day. And he was asking, he goes, you know, I'm having a struggle on and whatever. And I go, let me ask you something. Look me in the eye and tell me, you really. went out when you got. How long have you been in LA? He goes about a year and a half

and nothing's going on right. I said, tell me the truth. How many times a week do you go on? And he goes, well, I usually try to go out like two nights a week. I go, there was your problem. I go, when you move to L.A. When you get into this as an open mic,

it's like getting out of a rehab. When you get out of rehab, you got to go to an A meeting every fucking day for 90 days. When you move to L.A. or anything like when you're going to commit to this, It's every night. They don't care about your girlfriend's asshole.

They don't care about your cat dying. They don't care about fucking nothing. Like tonight, I got to go do comedy. My cat died today. I had to put the cat to sleep today. It affected me a little bit, but I got to go do fucking comedy. I don't give a fuck. That's what a comedian does.

Before I was telling you, I located my daughter. I found her on Lincoln. Whatever fucking is Lincolndom, you know. When I lived in Boulder, when I lived in Boulder, and I was going through all the hell with her mother, I would have a joint in my ass tray because I knew when I dropped her off, I'd be so heartbroken.

I'd smoke that joint, but I had a promise to myself that no matter how bad I felt I was going to do comedy. How did you find her? Did you just search in LinkedIn? No, something happened. Oh, I went to read for some...

You know, listen, guys, I may be down, but I'm never fucking out. I called her eight weeks ago, and I told her the truth, and then she never called me back, so I called again last week. I was a little angry. I woke up and I called her up and I go, hey man, she never called me back.

You know, listen, I don't know what you think is going to happen. I just want to say, I'm sorry, I love her, and I'm here for her. That's it. I understand. She got a family in place. I'm here to disrupt. I got my own shit going on. I don't believe it disrupted nobody's life.

She called back with some fucking story that she just had a breakup and she's still grieving over her grandfather. The grandfather died in fucking December. So I called a private investigator to find her. He goes, you know, they have a hidden so much. They changed her name. Her name was Jacqueline Michelle Diaz. They changed her name to Jackie, J-A-C-Q-U-I,

Michelle. They rewrote Michelle, and they changed her last name to her mother's remarried name, Ball. Without my permission. I never signed that paperwork. I'm really thinking of going to an attorney. Like, I'm going to contact an attorney in Denver,

and I'm going to tell them my story. And if something's kinky, you know what I'm thinking about suing them. You know, listen, you could go somewhere and slice somebody's fucking throat. You go from there, punch him in the face, and call him a cunt and express whatever you can't. She already knows she's a miserable cunt.

You know, I would love to have the balls to put like a fucking Santa Maria spell or something on my ex-weather. The mother, yeah. The mother, but I know that backfires. I don't believe in any of that shit. But I tell you what I do believe in. If you want to hit a motherfucker, you hit him in the pocket. Yeah.

That kills a motherfucker. Not when you're 21, but when you're 50 and you're trying to put away money for your fucking future, that kills you with some mother. because I had a loose end. This is the way I looked at. I had a couple loose ends in my life. This shit that was floating out there that had to get. I got that.

After 35 years, it was these boxes I had. And I had calling back my wife, my daughter. I just one day said, I can't do this. I can't be a comedian and be at war with these people. I can't do it. So I'm just going to fucking walk away from the situation. I'll be back. I'm down right now, but I'll be back.

So I had a loose end. But after I called her, and I admitted my and then she's still fucked with me guess what now now she's got a loose scent right right it's not my loose scent no more now she's got a loose scent because

like I called her and told them like I go listen I called you as a courtesy she's 25 I don't have to fucking call you right see the last thing my ex-wife wants is for me to grab this kid's in then she'll find out the truth why would she hide her so much uh-huh

she's hiding her because she doesn't want her to know the fucking truth yeah yeah did you ever file a police report for them beating you up because that could be an issue because you don't really have proof of that. No, I don't need proof of that. They lived in London for three years when she was 16 years old.

They took her out of the country. Oh, no. Without my permission. In a divorce, you still have to get written permission from the child. Oh, really? Oh, absolutely. Even state lines, I think.

I'm not worried about that beating. I got the best of that beat. That dude is not walking around today. Trust me, something's not right with his insides today. So I don't get it. They broke my rib. But I caught one of the guys.

There's three guys that jumped me, and I caught one of them. And I'll tell you what, everything that bad that's ever happened in my life, I took it on that guy when he was on his back. He didn't know Jiu-Jitsu. And I got a size 13 foot. Did he try to eat your pussy? No, he tried to hit me with a two-by-four. He hit my dog.

He hit the German Shepherd with a two-by-four. What? And I caught this motherfucker by the collar and threw him down. He punched me, and then I started punching him. And I was just really angry. I mean, I wasn't even myself that night. This is all the things they did over the same. time to me. And then when I caught the guy, I wanted his wallet, he was from Idaho. Her boyfriend

was from Idaho. So they were friends of the boyfriend. So I had this cop that was off duty. I called him up and he was a friend and I called him. I told him the truth. I go, what should I do? He goes, don't call the cops. Where's the guy you caught? I go right here, he's homoning and groaning. He came over. I took my car and put fucking wrapper in it. And we drove to both the house and we threw him out in front of the house and I never heard a word again. See, once they sent somebody to me, they sent me a warning. Yeah. But they couldn't capitalize on that warning. That's my world.

You sent somebody to my house and you're a civilian. You just entered my world. They better shoot me or kill me because if not, you just entered my world. Now I got a green light on your ass and you don't know how to deal with my world. I don't know how to deal with your world, but you definitely don't know how to deal with my fucking world.

So it just escalated. This ugly thing was over a love of a child. This story I'm telling you is over a love of a fucking child. And I'm not doing it. I'm doing it away from me if I go after them in court. I'm doing it for all the other guys that this gets done to because this is called legal kidnapping. Right.

And I have a friend that did this also. If you divorce your husband tomorrow, this family's got money and they say you're a comedian, you drink when you go out, because everything you do will be used. Like that drink that you do at the comedy store and then do your set, you're an alcoholic. You're at dark places every night.

You're this, you're that. So that guy, if he's got money, he's going to get so custody and then they're going to fuck with you a little bit until you slip. You know, they're going to put you in a bad position until you slip and then once you fucking slip,

bam, now you don't get the kid. But me and you might have a war. I'm still going to let the kid see you because you're the child's father. Right, right. She didn't want me around since day one. It was two years a hell for me, but it was two years of hell for her.

Remember, I made her life a living hell. I caused hell for her at the house. And then after I beat them in court finally, that the judge said that if they didn't give me the child, it'd be a... Contemptic court? Contempted court. Outside that day, I just ate her alive. I just said things to her in front of her husband that nobody would ever say to somebody's. Because I had to.

I had to. This was three years of them unloading on me, giggling, you know, like making remarks. Like trying to be cute. And I'm not from that cut of paper. I don't know how to work that. I don't know how to work that. I come from a different world. You fuck with me?

I fuck with you. We get sticks or whatever the fuck. We just had to. I didn't know. And they didn't know. Then I went after the boyfriend. And once I went after the boyfriend, then they knew. But I had two felonies in Boulder.

So when I assaulted him, they were going to put me in jail. No, no, no, no. He called me a spick. So you can't use the racial slur in the silly limits of Boulder. That's how liberal they are. So the judge had to throw it out. He's sitting there with a black eye. His eyes were a bloodshot.

So trust me, I was no angel in this either, but she's the one that just wanted to take the baby from me, and I couldn't figure out why. And she was using, you know, oh, well, you went to prison, so I pay my debt to society. No, I'm out. I just want to be a debt. Yeah.

So for a long time. But it was power. It was legal fucking kidnapping. So I'm sitting here going, I have to do something. I mean, what I really want to do? What I really want to do is go to bowl and slice her throat and rub salt on for three hours and break her kneecaps

and drain her blood, and then give her a transfusion. and keep that cunt alive. And then shoot spitballs of salt in her pussy. And, I mean, I could torture somebody for fucking hours. Like I said to you. Are you pitching me a movie? No, that's my world.

I feel like you're pitching me a movie right now. I could torture this bitch for hours. Don't forget the eyeballs. Because that'll be like everything bad that's happening. My dad dying, I'll just sit in a room smoking pot, spitting fucking gasoline balls of the pussy. I'll burn her pussy from the inside out. They won't be a placenta when they find that bitch.

There won't be a fucking uterus. They don't be nothing. I mean, that's the hatred I really have for her because she tried to cut my legs off with my loved one. She knew I had no family. I have nothing in this world. Now you're taking the only blood I have from me. She knew what, she was being spiteful. Do you want to be

spiteful, motherfucker? I can be real spiteful. And guess what? I have nothing to lose because I had nothing. I got no family. I got nothing. I was prepared to go to prison. I write jokes for Jay Leno. That was my thing at the time. You believe that? That's how sick I was. That I was prepared to go to jail by

a fax machine in jail. so they could have it in the office and I could just fax Jay Leno jokes every fucking day and hopefully he would buy some and I could be a comic working inside jail when you get to that point in your mind that's why I left bold because I knew and when she called me that day back

after I called this she was taught him and I said she goes I go listen man somebody was going to get her somebody was going to get her oh yeah I told her she knew I go somebody was going to get her and somebody was going to go to jail I had already beat them that day in court was the word

day of their life. But when I got in the car, I said I won, but what did I really win? Right. I won nothing. Yeah. Carrie, I won nothing. I won. Now, every time I have to pick up my daughter, she feels the tension. You know what I'm saying? What do you think? Kids don't feel tension? And how old was she at the time? Five. Oh, my God. So I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to go pursue my career. I'll keep in touch it. I'll pay child support. I do the best I can. She doesn't want me around. I already knew

I was never going to get invited to graduations or, you know, she started a new life with a dude and they drank coffee and, you know, they probably gluten-free and, you know, they played pink. Anything to be different. They rode bicycles and, you know. Right. And she still lives in Denver? I still live in both. I couldn't compete with that. That's not who I was.

I couldn't compete with that. So I went and got my life and I was just a, my whole game was just to stay alive to come back and tell my story. That was my whole fucking thing here, just to stay alive. interview of me to like give us I love it I love it I love

I just love listening to your voice I love listening to yours too you want to put that air on but I want to really quickly

just go back to that one thing that Ari said about me which I don't even remember to be honest with you but

I if I ever sense that someone might have a problem I want to approach them in a way

that starts a dialogue so you know I did feel like Ari had an attitude with me, you know, was treating me like the typical guys that treat female comics. Like, ah, you're a joke, whatever, it doesn't really matter. Your sets don't matter.

You're not funny. You know, we're the real comics. You're just trying to, what, get on TV. And so I always will approach someone and just make sure I probably, my exact words were probably, hey, I want to know, have I done something to offend you? have I done something? I want to know. Have I done something to,

because then it doesn't, it doesn't put them on the spot of like, what's your fucking problem? Because if you start a conversation like that, people are going to automatically say, you're my fucking problem because now you're in my face pointing your fingers like your mom taught you. What do you want for me?

So I'm sure I probably started it like, you know, I just want to make sure, have I done something? Just let me know. I'm just curious. And it's usually either, yes, you have. or no why why oh because whenever I walk by you you just ignore me and I say hi you don't say anything back

that's why I'm curious if you're doing that because I've upset you so I try to make it civil and he probably never had that phrase that way to him before because it's usually like it's it's very the comedy store especially can be an aggressive place that's not all lovey-dovey it might be now I think it's changed a little bit now, but when I was back there, around 2000... It was very aggressive. Very aggressive. Very aggressive. Yeah. Competitive, aggressive, even though some women had paved the way for us, not the most friendly place.

You know what I mean? For chicks. Sorry about that. I can't fucking breathe. Do what you have to do. I'm not a comic, but it seems to me just the female comics who have met and then the ones who are very famous, more so than men. Like men can kind of be like kind of a stupid comic Like they can be a little bit more goof Not maybe not Goofies are at work But they don't have to be really intelligent

It seems like a lot of the female comics Are super intelligent And they're aware of it And it makes them more confident Like I'm just trying to think of female comics Yeah And anywhere from the one who just passed away I'm blanking on her name right now

Joan Collins And then Joan Rivers And then people like Amy Schumer And Eleanor was just in and it seems like female comics and

what are Sarah Silverman seems like they have to be like kind of really intelligent and then aware of their intelligence it seems like that's a common thread with female comics I guess that's part of it I think it just you have to just want it so badly

that doesn't matter what anyone says or what kind of set you have or what else is going on you have to just want it desire is desire whether a woman has desire whether a man has desire to be something or go

or they want it so bad that you could, you know, you want a comedy so bad. Yeah. I don't want to sound crazy. I didn't want to be a star as much as I wanted to be good at comedy.

Right, right. There's something at a point in comedy when you're stuck at the three-year mark that you can't wait to be good. Yeah. And it hurts. It hurts. You want to be so good, so fast,

and you think about quitting because you say yourself, I'll never be as good as Kyra. But, Kira, But, Kyra Kira. It's a New York thing. Every New Yorker calls me Kyra. You stick with it.

You know, also, when I was first starting out, I knew I would suck. And I knew that was okay. And I, some male comics, they have a real fucking problem sucking. They don't want it. It somehow affects their manhood. I don't have a penis to worry about. So that's not a pissing contest for me. I want it to suck.

That's when you learn. That's when you're growing. You're figuring yourself out. To say that I have figured it all out is actually bullshit because I haven't. I figure something new out every day. I'm getting better. I feel like after having my kid about four years ago, I figured I definitely heard my voice for the first time. You know, like they have these things on Facebook.

Oh my God. They make me cry every time where it's like a deaf person gets some sort of special. hearing aid and now they can hear clearly now for the first time ever and then they capture that shit on Facebook and you watch it and you're just like melted do you ever just like you ever see those I've never seen one of those have you ever seen one of those oh yeah of course oh my god they have like little kids who can hear their mom's voice for the first time forget it I'm done I'm done the kid like looks up at the mom and it's like I hear you the soldier one's coming home get me oh come on there's a soldier and there's a woman that hears her husband for the first time And she just like loses it and I'm just crying. But that's what I felt like as a comic. After I had my kid, something shifted, whatever it was. And I heard my voice to myself for the first time. I was like, oh, there you are.

There's Kira's comedy voice. Now it's still changing all the time. I hope I don't. How long was it until you heard your voice? It was about 10, 12 years in comedy. All the other shit I did before that was. It was. Bullshit.

Bullshit. And now look, people, they responded to it. I had a showtime special before my kid. Everyone was like, that was a great showtime special. Yeah, fine, but it's all garbage when I look back now.

I mean, it's good, but it's not, it's the past. It was fit of fat. It wasn't really who you are. It was the past. It's now I have a different goal and direction. I know being at the store and the belly won't run night.

It had to be, uh, maybe 99. It was 99. And I was doing like a, I didn't know what to do on one-man show. I didn't know, you know. My friend says, you should just go up there and tell a bunch of stories. So I called it stories from a Cuban street.

And I went up there, a bunch of, like, comics came out. And, like, nobody had money. Like, a bunch of us didn't have money. It was me, John Wesleying, Ricky Cruz, Jody, Ralphie. It was just a bunch of us that got together. And I remember we bought a bottle of tequila, and we snuck it to the store, and we drank shots in the back before I went up there.

And that's the first time. Not that I heard my voice? Yeah. It was the first time that I could breathe on stage where it didn't affect me if I didn't hear laughter. And it broke a wall for me. Yeah. Like when you're starting, you always want to get laughter.

You know, you always want to tell a line and get laughter. But that was the first time nine years in that I, said something and in the pauses there was complete silence and I was fine with it and I'm like I like this I really like this well yeah that comedy you know people joke about like you guys ready to get this comedy train

going but really it is the comedy train is the laughter is like the cold you just got to like keep scooping it in and putting it in and it keeps your comedy going but what you want to do is then at some point allow just to coast just to be in neutral and the pauses are the neutral, the coasting, between the laughs. You don't have to constantly rev the engine.

I thought it was constant. For me, I had to be constant. When you start off, of course, yeah. You know, it's like when I go to Jiu-Too and I'm in a rush to get to him. They're like, no, guy, relax, breathe. You got the guy on his back, breathe. Now decide what you want to do. I didn't know that. I thought that you had to go up there and get laughter.

But it took about, yeah, about eight or nine years, close to the 10 years to hear my voice, like what I really wanted, what really I tell you what it was I had a showcase for APA and I had this shit fucking material right now eight minute showcase

you know one of those things on the Wednesday night and I'm getting and I'm in my room and I'm smoking cigarettes and I'm smoking pot and I'm drinking coffee and I'm trying to write

this brilliant fucking act but I'm in a brilliant comic you know what I'm saying I got the mentality of a fucking kid and I wrote something but as I'm fucking leaving they show a lady getting carjacked in Oceanside, a Samoan.

It was one of the funniest things I ever seen. So it's like this little guy driving a truck, like a Ford little old truck, not even the big trucks, but the little ones that you see driving around. And also he stops at a light. This big fucking Samoan comes up to him, punches him in the face,

opens the car door, takes him on, and throws him. And then he gets in the car. And as he's stepping away, they show his sister. This is on national tier. well, it's on ABC, you know, whatever, eyewitness news. And then they show the sister who, if he was, what a Simone way? What's the average weight of a fucking Simone? 2.50.

His sister had to be 4'550. She's running down the street, yelling at him. Hey, come back, come back. And as he's driving away, she goes to jump on the flatbed and misses and just lands on her fucking face. Right? And I'm sitting there watching this. And then they go to another story. Right there they go to it.

And I'm like, oh. my God and then they go to another thing they go in in east L.A. today they show a fat kid got stuck in the sewer because he threw his

car down there so he got stuck in the sewer and they show him in the fucking sewer crying and the mother they're all Mexican what side was stuck like the butt or the face everything all he had was his head

sticking out of his sewer he was Mexican he was a fat eight-year-old like a 400-pound Mexican kid stuck in a fucking sewer and they finally pulled them out They had to cut the fucking sewer plate and pull them out.

It was hysterical. And then they had them and he was like, so would you do it again? He's like, I had to get the kid to a fucking thing for a little friend. And I'm watching this going, oh my God. An hour later, it's 920. I'm on stage at the improv. Guess what happens? Gary, go on stage.

First joke. Nothing. Shit. APA is there, Call him. This is when the whole brass was there. Second joke. Nothing. Third joke.

Nothing. It's going to be. be a long night, motherfuckers. I was just about to steal a joke. Like, I was that desperate at that time. I was just about to drop a stolen bit. I would have dealt with the repercussions laid. I just didn't even know who to steal from.

You know, it's like getting punched in the face three times, and you draw out three jokes, and nothing happens. Were there jokes that you've done before and people liked or no? You know, whatever. I just tried to be fucking Jonathan Soberman and us out. And all of a sudden, I'm dying on stage. And I go, did anybody happen to see? The fat Simone go for the truck tonight.

The fucking place roared. So everybody must have been home. Did you see the fat fuck running for the thing? And if that wasn't bad enough, how about that fat little fuck that got stuck in the sewer? Roar! Did you see it? What was he looking at the sewer for?

Candy, you fat fuck? What the fuck is wrong? And I just went off. APA came out. They didn't sign me. But that was great. Talking about the news. We saw that.

We were in the office. It was tremendous. You know, so I found. That was my voice. Fucking looking at shit and seeing it for what the fuck it is. You know, a lot of people can't. A lot of people look at shit and go, oh, my God, I see some shit. I don't know.

Oh, my God, that quick. I owe my God a little later if it's really that bad. But at first, like, something fucking interesting happening. This is fucking funny. So that was my voice that night. I had to find something that, I don't know. I don't even know what it is. Making a fun.

I don't even know what kind of voice is. But you had a breakthrough. A breakthrough. A revelation. Yes. The same one you had. Yeah. Yeah. How often does that happen, though?

Because do you realize it over the first 10 years? Do you realize you're terrible? Or do you just have like a bunch of different, oh, here's this is happening? Because I would have to imagine it happens a few times. I think it's like when you first start having sex. Look, you know you're probably terrible. You know it's not really fantastic. It feels good, but it's not really bringing a lot of joy to a lot of people.

people. You know what I mean? I'm assuming more for guys than girls, because you guys have a lot more pressure. Right? Do you remember the first time you had sex? It's terrible. It was terrible. But you have to convince yourself. You have to almost like you're in denial.

I had sex last night. It was terrible. 50 years later, I'm still having terrible sex. But see, sometimes as a comic now you have a bad set, although I doubt it's that often for you now. No, always. I always. I look for bad sets. It happens if you put your self out there.

Yeah. So I think there's a part of you that has to be, again, that passion, but also a little bit in denial. Because if you start taking it too seriously, like, I bomb, this is the worst thing, I should just quit. Then you should. You should. Because I wasn't one of those people that had a great first set. You know, some comics were like, first time I went up, it was magic. I destroyed.

I did 20 minutes. I had a standing ovation. I'm like, holy shit. The first time I went up, it was silence. There was a guy with a leg missing the front row heckling me and he was right and I should have said something

to that one leg cock sucker but I didn't because I was like you're fucking right and I don't have a leg to stand on and you only have one and you are right but guess what? It's my first time and I'm going to try to put my comedy penis in more audiences that's all I can do

to get better. That's all you can do. Listen, the breakthrough you talked about I probably had two a year. As a comic, when you're starting out, you probably have two a year. What's a breakout? Joey, how much time you got? Really?

I probably got about 18 minutes. But then Kira meets a guy she likes. She's watching the clock. Right? It's her show. Kira's watching the clock. So she's going to give me a light of 15. I told I could do 18.

But guess what? Kira meets that guy that she's been flirting with. So she goes outside to smoke a cigarette with him, and I run the light. and all of a sudden after making out with the guy she runs back in and goes Joey you went over and I get off and then later on she'll come over to me and go

you know how much time you did and I go no you go you did 43 minutes that's a break so now you know you have 43 you stayed up there for that long yeah you know when I go to jihitsu I tap out after a minute I can't breathe but sometimes I go and even if I'm huffing and puff and I stay on the bottom and I just protect myself and even if I make another 30 seconds

that's a breakthrough for me yesterday I swept salami for the first time in three years Guess what? I left there with a big dick. It's little things that you do. It's like sometimes I'll throw a line out. And Leo go, what did you throw that line out for? Because it's been on my notebook for a fucking two months.

I just want to get it out there. So now I know I got it out there. And now that's it. That's it. When I go to jih-jit-to sometimes, I'm horrible at knee-on-belly. But until I don't do it, I'm not going to get better on it. So I'll knee-on-belly and then go back to side control and hold them just to try. Did I submit it from neon-belly?

No. But it was a good day for me. It was a positive day. because I went up to the island belly. I tried something. How often do you have a bad epiphany? Like, let's say you think you did something great and you're creating bad habits.

That must happen to. Like, you've talked about doing crowdwork a little bit too much at a certain point. Well, I started. Crowdwork is not having material. Crowdwork is for people who are lazy that don't want to write material. Or you write material, and that's your backup.

You have some strong material, but you fuck around. If it doesn't go anywhere, then you hit them with the material. If it goes somewhere, guess what? You're a fucking star. Because if you keep improvising, every minute that you keep improvising, that means your last 30 minutes are going to be death. Also, I do crowdwork, so I have a callback.

So my crowdwork that I do is I want to figure out where you grew up, and then if I make fun of a city or not make fun, but like, you know, talk about something. I go, at least it's not Albuquerque or something. Then I have a callback and something fun to play around with. But I think sometimes bad habits are comics that just do the same type of room, the same type of audience, and never try anything. Yeah, absolutely.

It's like me telling a joke to my grandmother. Of course she's going to think it's fantastic. It's your grandmother. She's going to give you a kiss and a smile and make you feel all warm inside. Why don't you go try to do a room that not everybody looks like you in the audience? If you walk in and you have a big beard and an alt sweater and horn rim glasses and everyone in the audience is wearing, you know, recycled clothes from, you know, Buffalo Exchange and horn rim glasses and have big beards like you do, if everyone looks exactly like you, then what are you doing? You know, go do an all black room. Go do a room that you would never do.

Go do a room full of people that don't have kids if you're going to do your kids. kid material. If it works there, then it's going to slay. My special that I'm shooting is mostly marriage, kids, my parents, my in-laws, my childhood. But I can't just try that out on people that I know for sure are married or have kids or are Russian immigrants or, you know what I mean? Like it is, it's not going to happen. So I go and I try it out in just crazy ass rooms that I know, look, this is not my demographic. But if I can make you guys laugh, then this will kill for the right people. How many jobs did you have before you had comedy?

A lot. Okay, me too. A lot. And lots of different crazy-ass, crazy shit. Fucked up jobs. If you put as much effort into any of those jobs as you did into comedy,

like, when I got into comedy, I knew one thing. When I got into comedy in 91, I didn't really know what it was. And for three years, I just dicked around and asked stupid questions. And then when I was mind-ready, it was 94. but I knew that if I went into this, I had to go into it a certain way,

and I had to attack it from all angles. I never wanted to get comfortable. I knew... I started when I was 28. It was long and a tooth already, so I knew that I had to fucking get to it. I have worked... I mean, I work hard.

You know, I hate to say this, but yeah, I have worked really hard on trying to be funny or learning to be funny. I never wanted any misunderstandings. I never wanted to have a TV show, and for somebody they said, well, I don't think you're that funny. I paid my dues. Yeah.

I never wanted anything to go back on me. Remember that commercial world growing up, Fran, auto filters, oil filters, the guy would come in on the way out. He goes, you could pay me now or you can pay me later. Yeah. That's comedy. You know, just because, hey, Lee, you might start comedy next week. And the yearly, you might book a series,

and you might work seven years and become a millionaire. And you'll look at all of us and say, you're an asshole. And then that's what happens after seven years. Now you can't do any more TV shows because you've been over-exposed. So you call your agent. You know what your agent says? Lee, do stand-up. How hard is it to put four?

I love how they do that. How hard is it to put 45 minutes together? And you, the sack of shit that you are, in the greed, not Lee Syatt, not Lee Syatt. But that stupid actor that thinks he's God's gift goes on the road and tries stand-up and gets his fucking head-handed to him. Get your head-handed to him. All around, they've been calling you a comedian. You're not a fucking comedian. You're a comedy actor.

When they call those people comedians, it gets under my fucking state. When I see the top funniest female comedians and Cameron Diaz is on there, Reese Witherspoon. That's a comic actor. Yeah, very different. What her and I do is sweat and blood and tears. And the work ethic is supreme. You know, I talk Lee starting a business of consulting. And I talk to Lee sometimes, and Lee's like, I never thought of that.

Because I have thought of every angle for stand-up. We have thought of every fucking angle. I have attacked this with a passion that has been, and I attacked everything like this when it comes to this. This is my business, whether it's a podcast or it's a fucking audition or it's a fucking game show, whatever. I'm hosting, I'm doing a game now, one of those 2K games, and they sent me the sides to the end day. They're fucking tremendous. You're fucking bitching at me now. I am so I'm obviously visibly very pregnant

Went to a club recently There's a comic who Broke his arm And he was like What are you doing here You should be at home Put your feet up relax Why are you still doing sets?

I'm like You fucking broke your arm You should be at home You should be relaxing Why are you here Are you saying I have a disability You're the one who's fucking disabled You're hobbling around

you know what I mean he had a thing on his foot I'm like I'm not this is my job this is what I do I will do it until I can't do it I'll have my kid and then I'm gonna do it again it's just my job it's just what I do but male comics sometimes

their minds get blown if they think like what are you trying to prove I'm not trying to prove it's like it's like if you were to go to work and you work at a law firm and people are like come on what are you trying to prove I'm a lawyer. Come on. It's amazing.

People question. Today somebody called me like, I'm having a party. Can you swing by from five to ten? Both of these people are comedians. And they're always crying about nothing happening. And I'm like, who's going to go to your party from five to ten? It's Tuesday. I'm working tonight.

Yeah. Doing a podcast at two-thirty. I don't know what the fuck are you talking about. And that's the other thing. people misinterpret the work ethic. Oh, well, we need to break up. We don't even know. There's no days on.

I don't know what you're talking. What day's on? Yeah. What day's on for you talking about? What society are you talking about? Even these dudes are the filthy fucking rich that you see them. They're fucking, that's why they're rich. Because they work time.

Go ahead. Go talk to them about a baseball game. The guy, I dare you. Go talk to them about going swimming on Sunday or they're on their own agenda. When their wives come in the room and go, look at that, da, da, da, da. And that's something for the fucking monkey. Get the fuck out of it.

I'm going to make a fucking... Go fuck out of here. Let me get some of shot out of real quick. I'll get you the fuck out of here. My main man, Bobby Sharon, and his girl, Crystal, I love you guys. Name A. B. Dead Squad Nashville and all the other Dead Squad affiliates.

Kevin Furman, Constantine Rain, Norlin Soto, Alex Jay, Ali Musa, your bad motherfucker. And my new girl, Bree Ari, who's down there, new listener. What's up for you, Cocklicker?

You still look fucking stung. I'm still a little bit stoned from the last night. How do you be stalled? Because you gave me, like, what? Like, two, 300 calories, milligrams of the red one, and then we split a deck of dose. And you're still high?

Yeah. Not very, but I'm so high. He's a cheap date. Yeah. He's a sit there. He gives me so much of those edibles. But no, I'm great. I'm great.

I'm having a good day. I'll talk to you about a few days, my love. So. Let's talk. I love you to death. I mean, something about a pregnant woman moving around has always riled me up. I never knew I had something for pregnant women until I moved to Boulder. And I was shopping one day and I saw a girl.

I saw two feet of fucking snow. And I saw a girl with yoga pants on, with her, whatever the fuck pants on, with a belly out there with Sorrells, you know, those winter boots. Yeah. With like a hood and she was carrying shit. I looked at her like, holy shit. She is the prettiest fucking woman in the world right now. She only fucking knew how sexy she was with the fucking Sorrells on with her belly walking down the street.

And I've always admired that. You know, you see these women, oh, I can't move talking shit. That's you in two months. The last four weeks are a fucking nightmare. But whenever I see a woman that's, you know, I used to swim in bolder, I'd jump in the pool and I thought I was doing something to change my mind. I'd see these women huge. Swimming past me. Swimming past, fucking doing.

What's that shit? The breaststroke? do the butterflies and shit. I'm like, what the fuck are these women thinking? It's always done something to me. So when I saw that picture, you carrying the thing, the fucking car seat, you're a really pretty, you have sunglasses on. I go, look at fucking looking sexy as shit.

But you had a thing on that you're doing a special. Yeah. And on Mother's Day, May 9th. May 10. Sunday. It's fucked up, my mom. I'll be very pregnant. My mother's birthday is May 9th and every year something.

Every year I used to get a double wham because I'd have to get a birthday present and Mother's Day. Mother's Day. I get fucked up, so I always think Mother's Day should be the night. And you're shooting at where? At the old place where we used to do comedy 10 years ago, right? Did you ever perform at the Coach House? Fuck yeah. Yeah.

The Coach House is... Who used to book that? I don't know. A long, long time ago, I only started doing it maybe four or five years ago. Now, guess I got that room with Rogan. Oh, shit. Maybe four years ago it was tremendous. And Rogan was out.

I don't remember it. And they used to book it huge when we first lived here. Well, I mean, it seats five, In 98, that was huge. That booked huge. I remember they used to do four-man shows, and it was like three headliners. I remember going up there one time, and I worked with three guys that were killers. I did like 10 and bombed, and there was three guys that were all like had HBO specials.

I mean, they really booked that room on Wednesdays or something. The coach house, and they used to have ads for it in Westwood and all those magazines. That's a great place to end. It's a great room. Look, I wanted a place, like I said, that my material will have some resonance, you know? I mean, they, I don't, I shot my half hour showtime special up here in the valley. El Portale in North Hollywood. It's a great theater.

It's beautiful. It's just down the street. Down the corner. But it's everyone's from L.A. Everyone's like, I wrote a screenplay. I'm not impressed. I mean, they came out to support, but still there's like that feeling of, yeah, I mean, I work in the business too. You know what I mean?

Like everyone has seen behind the curtain. So I thought, let me go to a place where it's the closest to being, you know, not the middle of the country, but just somewhere that people are civilians, parents, families, they have kids, they're not in showbiz. And so when the coach house offered me the venue, by the way, they're not even going to charge me. That's how kind they are being to me. So I, you know, I'm so grateful for that because I'm producing it myself. So I had an investor, get this, I had an investor. The investor pulled out. So now I have to crowd fund because hell or high water I'm shooting on May 10th.

It doesn't matter. The ball's rolling. I'm already in production. So I started doing a crowdfunding. And I don't know if you ever done crowdfunding. That's why I got you here so you could talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, you know, I did Carolla's show and I learned about what he did for his movie.

He just rode hard. He just crowdfunded that whole thing. He raised like millions of dollars. I'd never done it, but I was like, what do you do? I don't even know what this world consists of because you have to do like little perks and rewards. Have you ever contributed to someone? Yes. Yeah.

I do it all the time. People are like, oh, someone, you know, needs funeral services. I always, you know, give money for that always or whatever. Or we're shooting a movie or we're shooting this. And so there are perks. But I've always just given like 50 bucks, you know. And that's like you get some minimal stuff. But the big perks, what they call rewards, like if you.

if you donate 20,000, 30,000, things like that, they said all of those should be very personal, like amazing, something unique, like you've got to blow people's minds. So I was like, all right, fuck it, I'll let you, this is ridiculous. I'll let you, for 25,000, I'll let you fucking cut the cord to this kid.

When this kid comes out, cut the cord, 25 grand. Anybody give you 25 grand? No, but get this. Not yet. 20,000, I'll let you choose the middle name. 20,000. I know. It's crazy.

So guess what? Someone called my publicist and goes, all right, we want to talk business about this middle name. So someone might be donating 20,000 to my special, which thank God because, I mean, I need to pay camera ops. I need to rent equipment and lenses. Like a camera lens costs so much money. I want to pay people to edit. I don't want favors. I wanted this is professional.

You know, I want. We talked about it. Everyone to get paid and it's there and I have producers and I have a sound guy and everything, you know. So that would be awesome. I don't know if it's going to happen yet. How much to have you gotten so far if you don't mind me? I don't mind. I think we've raised about 25%.

It's not enough. What's the total? What's the grand number? The grand is 30,000. And that covers everything. Yes. And are you charged? I don't get paid, by the way.

I don't get paid. Just so everyone's clear. That's, yes. But that's, you know, techno crane, that's editing, that's getting a permit. You know, we're doing it by the books. We're getting insurance. We are paying people, workman's comp, everything. We've got to do it by the books.

I don't want to fuck around. Someone falls off a ladder and it's like my whole career goes down because I didn't want to pay a couple thousand for all that stuff. No one takes into consideration. So, yes, we're raising money on Tube Start. I didn't make up the name for the website, but it's a comic who starts. He's got his crowdfunding going. And it's T-U-B-E, like YouTube, because he also puts it on YouTube.

I'll put the link in the description. Yeah. And if people find it on my Twitter and Facebook, they can link. It's all over my social media. But that's what I'm doing. That's where I'm at right now. And it's crazy because you have to be the producer and the talent and the craft service. I mean, everything, you know, you've done your own shit.

It's like, it's nonstop. It's insane. I wish I could just focus on the set, but I won't be able to. I have to focus on everything else. And I'm selling tickets, too. So your listeners, though, if they email, call in whatever, they'll get on my guest list.

That's not a problem. So if anyone from your... And this is what destroys me, Gerard. This is what really gets me about this town. You paid your dues. Oh, yeah. You've been on girls behaving badly for a while. Tonight show for eight years.

Tonight show for eight years. You even did stand that one. That's a night show, correct? Well, I have a story about that if you want to know it. Yeah, what happened? They said, we'll put you on a list. You know, they always say there's a short list. But in the meantime, you can't do Conan because Leno had that beef with Conan.

Can't do Letterman. Really? They said he couldn't do Conan? No. Can't do Letterman because of their history. Can't do Kimmel because then Leno and Jimmy Kimmel had a thing. So they wouldn't let me do any other, late night, except for like I did Carson Daily and things like that, you know. But none of the big, the big five is what I call it.

And then they never put me on as a comic. Then on my podcast, I have Jack Cohen, the head writer, who's a great guy, very sweet, very nice guy. Very funny. He's been around for a long time. He comes on my podcast and he's retired now. Jay's down on the Tonight Show. He can speak freely. He's like, yeah, they just didn't want to give you those opportunities.

it broke me it really broke my heart and he saw me at the ice house and he he said you know after I saw you live he said it really I felt like a bad person he goes I felt like I could have helped

this person who was I was a good soldier eight and a half years I was on the tonight show I did whatever they told me to do I never made a kippish I never got in anyone's face I was always just I want to be friendly. I want to be nice. I want to do my job. I want to make people laugh. That's all I want to do.

But I also want opportunities because that's why we do stand up. To get to that next level. Okay, great. Now I got here. What's next on my list? Oh, this is a dream. Now I'm going to check that off. What's next on my list? I've always wanted to do that. That's only human nature. Do you think that held you back? Because like the first place I worked out here, America's 20-some video, is the same editor has edited literally every episode. Right. And no one ever moves up there. Occasionally someone will get a promotion, but not really. Right. My thing is when you start somewhere, you kind of have to leave because they'll always view you in one way. Yeah. So do you think it hurt you to do it for that long?

Probably. Probably, but they also dangled carrots in front of me. So I thought, well, if I leave. Yeah. So, yes, it did. But was it a nice, steady gig? Yeah. It was fantastic.

You know, money was great. It kept me in Los Angeles. And people started to recognize me. and I mean it was important to do but at the same time, yeah, they kind of fucked me and they knew it. What are you going to do? You live and learn in this town. Next time you'll say, fuck you motherfuckers,

I do what I want. I'll send Joey Cook-O-D. No, and then they'll say, okay, we'll put you on. You learn so many different control levels that they have in this town. And it's not to you tell them to go fuck themselves that they go, oh, we get it now. You know what, and you're right, and I should have. Sometimes, and not all the time.

Not all the time. But if you know anything about Los Angeles, these people are I was a criminal and I used a gun did you read about Vinnie Favorito last week Don't get me started on Vinny Favorito He borrowed $80,000 or $100,000

I went to Israel with him with Avi Lieberman So I know Vinny He fucking borrowed money from this 80 year old woman In all my creepiness You know I would never beat An 80 year old woman

You know I was always Somebody who I showed up And I go, Kiri, you have a kilo in the same. Guess who it's mine. If you don't get with them, I'm going to shoot you. I wasn't really going to shoot you. But you thought I was going to fucking shoot you. So I've always been straight up with people.

And that's hurt me in this town. That's hurt me. This is the only town that if you say something to me and I pull you aside like a man and go, hey man, I don't appreciate that. The next time I'll throw you out the fucking window. We're going to have a problem. They don't go for that.

You can't call them. You can't call on there. I'm the type of guy that I'll claim responsibility. Hey, I can fuck it up the other day, Kira. I'm sorry. Hey, Joey, don't worry about it. These people here don't believe in that. And when you say something to them, they don't.

So sometimes you live and learn. You're in this town a lot. I think it's not for me when I stopped doing Coke in 2007, that before I became a comic, I was a man. And you have to treat me like a man. I'll treat you like a man. You know, and fuck all this comedy, ha, ha, ha. anything, I'm a man. Don't you ever fucking forget that because I'll never forget you're a woman.

You know what I'm saying? Like just on the set and stuff, the way people would talk to you. So I had that situation happen where, you know, people told you, I remember there was a group of guys that kept coming to the store for a Stallone movie. I'm talking 10 years ago with Gabriel Byrne and these guys like, dog, you're the motherfucker for the first scene. I mean, one guy came, then three guys came, then six guys came, then eight guys came, they're like, you're the guy. We're going to shoot March. We'll get a hold of you. Then March comes and you don't hear nothing. But you get caught up with your life.

Right. And also one day the movie's getting released. And you're like, what the fuck happened? Eight people came, you know. And I didn't say nothing. I bumped into the guy one night at El Compadre. And he tried to, like, grab me and go, I'm really sorry. I just don't understand that.

I'm from a different society. Yeah. I'll tell you right out. Kira, it's not going to work for you here. You know, they're looking for names. They're looking for, you know, D.L. Hughleys and Joe Rogans, anything, anything to tell you. Instead of saying that to you. You know, this is a town where you go meet with an agent, he tells you he loves you, they're really interested.

And then you can't get an answer out of them because nobody can look in the face and say no. Because if you become a star years later, they don't even want to be responsible for that fucking no. They don't want you to come back and go, I'm the type of guy, just tell you right off the back. This doesn't work like that here. And it affects you. It affected me. I thought I was doing something wrong I thought I was a bad guy

I go, what? I'm the type of guy when I look you in the face and I shake your hand, that's it. You're good, you're good. I'll tell you, if I can't help you and you'll say, okay, I gotta make my decision. Lee, I bullshit you, Lee, when I tell you, I told you Lee,

do I bullshit you? No. This is what we're gonna do, this is how much money we're gonna make, this is what we're doing on the move? I tell people, I'd rather you know, and you make up your fucking mind, not this town.

This town's always, uh... It feels like they're holding on to it, more like they're getting worse because they see it slipping away because years ago if you didn't get on on the tonight show you wouldn't get the special but now you can do your own special so i'm doing i feel like now they're holding on a little bit more just because they know in five years yeah but how come she doesn't have a Netflix special how come she doesn't have an hour on comedy Central this is what i'm getting to that these are the things that fucking burn you know and then some guy go to montreal with 30 minutes they'll go to netflix special meanwhile you've been busting your

for 20 fucking years doing this I never understood that you know everything is what's works for one person doesn't work for another for five years I saw Marilyn Martinez through the dirtiest material in the fucking world nothing happened I saw Lisa Lampinelli

walking the store one night doing the same fucking thing talking about black dick and Filipino balls that you could suck them on your lip they thought she was fucking brilliant you never know what the fuck it happened I just have a lot of respect for you or you wouldn't be in that fucking chair. I have a lot of respect for women that have balls.

For women that, you know, I just don't want to hear crying no more, man. I'm 52 years old. This is a comedy game. We all got into it. We all knew what the fucking parameters were at this. So I don't want to bump into you. And for you to tell me that you don't have any success because you didn't suck no dick. I don't want to hear that shit.

I don't want to hear that shit. Hard work replaces everything. Hard work. If I came to you running on here, I got a tour, we're going to go to fucking Mars. Jesus is going to be at the shit. show. You got to suck my dick every night after the show and you say, go fuck yourself, you fat fuck. I'm going to keep working here.

Wait, wait, wait. How much is it paying? Give you $200 a night plus fucking expenses. But I got a lot of respect for you and just give them the go fund me again so we can help you out with this. I really wish you helped Kira out with this because I wouldn't have put her on here if she was just some Johnny come

lately. She's the real deal. I mean she apprenticed for Adam Barnhart. Which is my motherfucker's motherfucker. I might even go down there and Sunday and see Adam Barnhart. I was just there this past Sunday. Adam Barnhart was very good to me. And, you know, when he was going through his drug stuff, he was always there for me when I was

going through my drug stuff. We used to call each other high as fuck on the phone and promise each other we're going to go to rehab together and all this shit. And I'm going to go see him and say hello. But I wish you, I'm out of town on the 10th. I'm in Michigan. I wish you. I'd be down there to support you.

I get back like that afternoon. But I'm coming back, wash my pussy and head to Orange County. I got the baby and shit. It's not going to happen. But I really wish you a lot of success. That's why I had John here today. You're proof that everything's bullshit. You just keep putting your nose to the grind

and you keep getting prettier and prettier and having babies. Look, the baby's middle name could be Coco. Now, let me ask you this. So what if you... I must have cut the ambiblical cord and to finger you. Let's break that out. I was going to put 10 grand.

You can watch me breastfeed. You're just thinking about your finances, He's like, won't cut, $1,000. Go talk to your financial planner. You get back to me. Oh, my God, for $12.5, you squirt them. While you're feeding the milk, you go, hey, watch this. Bam.

And put that back on this. Have you seen how? Oh, you've seen it. Somebody will do that. I have never done crowdfunding, but when someone told me you got to make it personal and you got to make it interesting, I was like, all right, that's what I have to offer right now. Do you have anything left off from girls behaving badly? Any memorabilia you could sign anything on the tonight show?

People like, like, Harri G. gave away grinders and lighters with his picture on it. You know, and then he moved up, 10 tickets, you know, all that shit. A VIP dinner. Oh, yeah, like I have all those stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have all that stuff. I'm talking the big, those are the two big ones. And then all the stuff in between, yeah, for like $500, you know, for $1,000, you know, for $1,000.

You know, I have all these different levels. Absolutely, I have all that stuff. But I had to make it interesting. You're a bad motherfucker. Let me give the sponsors and we'll get the fuck out of here. First and foremost, on it.com for optimum. What is it? Optimal optimization. Optimal optimization.

Start with alpha brain. The best fucking thing going in the world. I took two of them this morning for my blood test. And you go on to the new mood, which enhances you. You go on to the shroom tech. I mean, there's just so many fucking things. The T plus, the testosterone, the elevator. They have the tea stuff, the coconut oil, the healthy fat.

They're putting your smoothies. They just have so much. Do me a favor. Go to honor.com right now. Look around. I can't help you with the weights and the fucking body vest and all that shit, but I can help you with the supplements. So go to 100.com right now and press in.

Church. Boom! C-H-U-R-C-H. That gets you 10% off. You like what you fucking got? Going to Stay on a program. They'll mail at the house every month on the first. You don't have to leave the fucking house or reorder or lose your mind.

Also, my main man, Dave, fully over there on Iron Dragon TV, dropping it with his classic martial art films. You can get two free films. Just go to Iron Dragon TV. Look around. They got weight stuff. They got Joe Rogan videos. They got people on it videos.

On it. Nutrition videos plus a ton of classic martial arts available to you there. Listen, he's a leader in 4K technology. The leader, yeah. The fucking leader. Did you watch the UFC this week? How good it looked?

That's him. Oh, cool. He is. So, do me a favor. Go to iron dragon TV.com right now and press in. Joey. Boom. I get two.

Free rentals. I got all confused here. I got a little itch under my wing. Also, listen, last week I got a new box of shit from Meandis. Tru-fucking Mendez. A couple T-shirts that work like rash guards, some underwear that are so fucking great because the Mi-Andi's material pulls the sweat away from your nuts sack. So your nuts don't smell. They're fresh all day. If you're a woman, they've got to work even better. No fucking little pads you got to put in there.

It just pulls the moisture out of your fucking monkey. They have the shorts for men and for women. go to meandies.com right now and press in. Joey. And get 20% off and free motherfucking shipping. And I'm talking about the most comfortable underwear as you've ever fucking worn in your life. I don't have them out right now with jeans.

With jeans, I go to command though, because I don't like the way it feels. When I go to fucking Jiu-Jitsu, I wear my little fucking meandis and my ball stay in there intact. You know when you wear white underwear and your balls pop out of the side? I don't have that problem with meandis.

You don't need that problem either. Go to meandis.com right now and press in. Joey. Boom! and get 20% off your first order plus free shipping to Canada and the motherfucking United States. And while we're out of, you're going, Joey, what the fuck?

Anything for free? That's right, bitch. I got something for you. Naturebox.com. Naturebox.com. Nutricious, delicious, delicious, healthy fucking snacks. Forget about that machine

with all the potato chips and pretzels and that shit'll fucking kill you. Nature box delivers right to your house, nutritious, delicious, dietician approved, fucking gluten-free, sugar-free, whatever the fuck you want. From the cocoa almonds to the French coast, kettle corn sticks. I said a bunch of shit last week that they sent me.

I haven't got a new box. We've got to get a new fucking box from these people because they got a bunch of new products. Anywhere you put it. Syracia almonds. You're sitting there, the sarachi almonds and sarachi cashews. You're sitting there going, Joey. What the fuck? Go to naturebox.com.

Pick out three things that you like. They're going to sing you three small bags and two big bags. For free. What's that you said? Free, bitch. Free, free, free. Right now. Who gives you something for free?

Nobody. They're going to ship it to your house, but it's going to cost you like a dollar 97 or something like that to ship, so don't quote me on the fucking price. Go to naturebox.com for nutritious, delicious fucking snacks delivered right to your door. You don't have to leave the house. You can bring them to work. You have them delivered to your fucking job. Whatever you want to do, but it all starts with you, and this box is free, bitch. Go to naturebox.com, in the box and press in. Joey. Oh, shit. And you get one free sample box from Nature Box. Three small bags and two big fucking bags.

How's that for you? So you got honor.com, you got naturebox.com, you got Meandis.com, and the leader in martial arts, Iron Dragon TV. That was beautiful. That was poetry. I think it's time for an edible week. It's over? Yeah, just to send you. I don't want you to go home and say fucking Joey held out on me today.

How could I say that to you? I don't think his eyeballs, I don't think his eyelids have been fully open the entire time. I don't understand this. How can you fucking still be stoned? Because you give me enough for like, like, okay, for example, when they were asking about it, he said cut it into fours and you gave me three quarters of it. I didn't give you, I ate three quarters of it. I gave you maybe 30 milligrams.

Oh, only 30? That's it. I don't know. You want a little piece? Not really? We can't do a podcast. How dare we? How dare we do a podcast?

I'll fucking whole piece or something. Kara, who loves you, baby? You do. So once you shoot this special, how long do you get it out, you think? Oh, it's not going to take a long time. I'm editing it right away. What is that? Like, Jello?

What is that? That's a gummy bear. Oh, my Lanta. It's going to be fast. It's going to be fast. We're going to get it out there. You're going to sell online? Yeah.

No, Netflix. Netflix and Showtime. We'll definitely buy it. Yeah. Netflix will take it from you? That's, look. They better not go back on their word. Then we'll have to beat.

them up and the fucking motherfucking motherfucking I'll send them your way Kara I love you to death one of you do July 30th okay and we're gonna put the crown funding on so please give what you can't help her out I mean a lot of you people don't want to see her tits cut the embolical cord

you just want to give her 50 bucks that helps too we have a big church family and we all help each other when Izzy Rock's house burnt down a lot of people came out please do the same for my girl Kara she's a real comic and this will be good for her and you'll be a part of something

right or wrong absolutely there's nothing like being a part of something. You could go all through your fucking life being dick, or something you donate 50 to carry. And then one of the rewards must be like a copy of the For 20 bucks. Yeah, you get a download. So that way, it's like you're basically

just pre-order. It's a pre-order of a comedy special. So they give you 50 bucks they get a down-buck. The $20 $20 perk, as they call it, is a free, the special for free. Digital download. Well, I hope. So it's not, it's not for nothing. And you're doing, you're just shooting

one shot. One. I did just one for my showtime special, and I liked it. I liked it. I know people do like five, six shows in a week, at a club, or a venue. One time. You get that adrenaline rush. You're doing it. You're having a good time. And it fucking works out perfect. I loved it. Lee,

what do you got this? We'll be back on Friday. We'll be back tomorrow, too. Yeah, a live podcast at the motherfucking ice house. It's a testicle testament slash live fucking podcast tomorrow night. We've never done one of these before. Yeah, that'd be fun. So it's going to be fun. We're going to be fucked up.

No guess. Just O. Lee and Joey, old school. Do a nice little 30-minute testicle test, and we'll get you out of there earlier, right? Thank you very much of being a part of this today. Thank you, Kira, for being beautiful. And for having the balls of these fucking half of fags in Hollywood. You got more balls than them. And to my little brother, Lisa, yeah, and shit.

And R. R.P. Sissy, my little cat. I'm sorry, man. So we're just done? We're done. We're done. All right. I said, it's over.

Oh, that was tremendous. You know, we don't follow around me. Now that the show is over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign out to get your free sample box of great tasting, healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle cartels. Go to naturebox.com slash joey. That's naturebox.com slash joey. Also, don't forget to go to meundies.com slash joey.

When you go to meundies.com slash joey, you're going to get 20% off over your first order of the most comfortable men's and women's underwear. They have shirts, they have socks. Anything you want to wear, meundies.com slash Joey has it. You're going to get 20% off of your first order with free shipping in the United States and Canada. Go to IonDragonTV.com and use co-word Joey to get two free rentals of all of their great martial arts movies.

They have Onet Lab videos. They have the leader in 4K technology. It's iron dragontv.com slash Joey. And go to Onet.com. And use Codeboard Church to get 10% off of all of their optimization. products, alpha brain, new mood, Shroom Tech immune, Shroom Tech sport. It's code word church to get 10% off.

Wait a minute, just give me, give me, give me a break a second. Two, three, four. One, two, three, one, a two, a one, two, three. There's something be I should.