The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #282 - Sebastian Maniscalco, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 14, 2015

Sebastian Maniscalco, Comedian and Host of, "The Pete and Sebastian Show" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. 
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Recorded live on 05/12/2015.
 Music:
 My Way Frank Sinatra Whipping Post - The Allman Brothers

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And now Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? It's 1.30 in the afternoon. 4.30 in the East Coast and we're already blasted motherfucker Sinatra here my way. Sebastian Monascopos here.

The flying Jews here. This is as good as it fucking gets, guys. This is it. Fuck. Nirvana Fuck all these motherfuckers This guy would go up on stage

And bitch slap all of them You understand me So get your shit together It's the church of what's happening now I'm truckers Tremence And if you haven't watched the documentary Get your shit together

Stop being a cheap fuck Get HBO, go Whatever the fuck it is I've had a few Holy shit But then again So now, now you saw this guy In concert

In 1983 or four Me and my buddies got together The tickets were either 200 or 250 We went over to Radio City, I think And Listen, he was old You know, he was fucking up the lyrics And shit

You know, but It's like Rudy Sawas was 70 He signed across from you I saw a legend. I saw somebody. You know, I went to school. I grew up in North Bergen, New Jersey. But North Bergen was like where the upper class Italians went,

that went to Hoboken first. It went to Hoboken first. And one day, like, you know what? I got a job in the union. I'm making 1852 an hour. I'm moving up to North Bergen. I'm going to get a nice house.

You know, it's like the joke. You talk about your dad with the school district. There was no school district. They just had a nice fucking house. I got a deal on it. And all these Italians moved up. So growing up, when I first. moved to North Bergen, I would hear a lot of

Sinatra stories. I used to go to the Ascleese's house. They dropped tons of Sinatra stories, the Holloways. They went to high school when that was going on. They would go to the dances, you know what I'm saying? I remember one day, we were Mike Ascle's house, my friend, and we were sitting down eating. And she's telling the story

about one night when her and Vinnie first met and they went to the Saints Eagle Hall, you know? And that Sinatra came in. No, she goes, do you know who came in that night? And one of the guys is eating. He goes, Melly, Mel. And she's like, shut the fuck out. You know, Francis Albert walked in.

You know, when they were at dances like that. You know, he would go shoot movies. Yeah. But then he would go back to Hoboken and just go to a high school dance, take her microphone and sing. Like, all those stories. Then you come here and you hear how he stuck up for fucking black people. You know, he went to the restaurant one night and the guy dropped the Mexican busboy, dropped a glass of glasses, a tray of glasses.

And the owner was ridiculing him. some fucking Gentile on sunset, and Sinatra got up and said, listen, man, how much for the fucking glasses? Here's 50 bucks for the glasses. Next time I come here, that motherfucker better be working here. You know, like, he's stuck up for the little guy, you know. So that's what I grew up listening, you know.

So you listen to all these stories, and when you're a kid, you put Sinatra on, you're like, should I shoot myself now or later? You know, you don't get it. You don't get it. And then when you do get it, he's got 90 fucking albums. He used to just sing about shit, like shoes. I love my shoes

You know what I'm saying How many cities did he go to? He loved L.A. L.A. was his lady. New York, New York. I think he sang one about Chicago. You know, he didn't care. Listen, you're doing this thing

The people up in Chicago They appreciate your singing song. Sing song a concert about Chicago. I love the fucking pickles on those dogs. He didn't give a fuck. If you look at his record collection, it was amazing. He's got 90 albums.

I'm just exaggerating. Probably not. It's probably close to that. Close. He made an album like every 60 fucking days, you know, smoking a cigarette at that little building right there. Do you think it's ever going to come back that whole vibe, suits, tuxes, just a class vibe? Or is it gone? Well, I'm going to answer what you live with every day. These people are fucking animals. Just because you can't put a silk hat on a fucking pig. Yeah, but why?

What happened? Where did it fall off the tracks? I mean, just coming over here now, I'm looking around as I'm driving, and it's, it looks like everybody's irregular and no one's like normal anymore. What happened, Joey? Where are we going with this thing? When we took that flight in Atlanta, I felt really guilty because I was sitting there high on the Cheba-Choo and Sebastian's sitting behind me. And I'm thinking to myself, he's looking at me going, Joey's got a flight. fucking t-shirt on. First of all, I bought it at the fat man store. It was one of those

expensive t-shirts at the little fucking thing over here. That's number one. Number two, I was telling Lee yesterday. I remember a time when you flew, you had to wear a suit. When I was 10 and I flew, my mother would take me to New York. He would custom tailor me a suit to fly with. Women look nice. You know, Sebastian, listen, man, I'm not saying nothing bad about you. I love you like a brother. When you did that whole thing about slippers, it hit home because I don't ever want to see a men's foot. I don't want to see some lady's feet. Some lady's feet I'll suck them and jerk her.

I love them. The other guy saw a lady with a foot 10 like this with an ankle. And I felt like going to the husband going. You let her out of the house with those watakas on her fucking feet. You got shoes on. You know, men with those, I see these assholes at the airport with slippers and custom shorts, bottom shorts. And I look at these motherfuckers and I feel bad for them.

You filthy motherfucker. You didn't even wash your ass for breakfast. You just left the house with those filthy feet. And what happens if the plane goes down? And we got to run for it. You're going to be bad. You're going to lose a fucking slip. What if you're on the 101 and fucking there's a car accident or earthquake?

You got to run the 101 with a broken fucking slipper like Taw's hand. Because you want to be Johnny Cool and leave the house with a fucking slip on. I wouldn't put a slipper on this fucking dead foot if you paid me. You understand? I got those fungi toenails. I don't even want them out. At the airport, I saw a dude that had one of those, you know, those eagle beaks? that's what his toe looked like.

It went out and underneath. I was trying to charge my phone. I had to pull the thing. I got sick. I had to walk away with slippers. Put fucking shoes on. I mean, we have broken down. We have become filthy.

We have people think because they have $3. They have class. I grew up with people that had nothing. Nothing. Irish kids. They had nothing. The O'Neills. But they had class.

They had dignity. They had something to them. Even if you had a hand-down-me-to-close. You washed them. You spray paint. You took that fucking thing from the carpet and you filled in the hole on your t-shirt But these people wouldn't know I have five or six suits in the thing that I look at and go I threw money away Because if you were a nice suit in this town you're overdressed and you don't know why you even learn it because these fucking animals

Dressed like you know they just look at each other and dress the same It's nationwide nationwide nationwide nationwide and the color coordination Have you seen the color cord? Even when I'm on fucking street? clothes on color coordinated. I got the white shoes with the jeans with the black shirt. It all goes down. I would never wear a brown fucking shirt with jeans. I would never wear

colored socks. That's the first thing you learn in the fucking neighborhood. You got sneakers on. You don't wear colored socks, you fucking jerk off. Because if you step on glass, the ink from the fucking sock goes into your cut, you fucking you die. You never wear colored socks.

That's something this Pepsi fucking Momo generation put together. It's always white socks. And when you wear shoes, no white, unless you're a fucking Mormon, or you got invited to fucking Hank's barbecue, it's always those party silk socks with the strings on the side or wear a full cotton but wear a black sock. The sock has to match the fucking color. If you got brown on, you got to have tan fucking socks, Sebastian. That's it. This is the wardrobe. If you have a shirt with lines on it, you cannot wear a fucking tie with vertical designs. You become the Twilight Zone. You stupid motherfucker. You're trying to sell insurance. Not confuse people. So if you have a shirt with fucking design, a tie with designs,

the shirt has to be a flat fucking color. You fucking morons. You can't mix lines with fucking designs. So if you have a shirt with lines, the tie has to be a flat fucking color. They don't even know these things. Their father's never told them. This is like an upbringing thing.

I'm sorry. It's all right. It's all right. I'm sorry. I get emotion because I look at these animals too, Sebastian. I live in hell too. I'm trying to think of the line. It's like it's a flat-collar tie.

Go fuck your mother. Yeah. No, no, no. It's, you know, it's we live in a nation. Women, I look at some women that are just gorgeous. I look at women that don't have a chance in hell, but because their toes are done and their heels are fucking manicured. And I don't care if they're fat, but they're clean.

You see these women that they've let themselves go. with a tattoo of a parrot on your calf. Why am I looking at the disgusting fucking thing? When I see ink on your leg, I think that when you're sleeping, the ink goes sideways and it goes into your pussy. And it makes it fucking smell weird. I mean, I don't know, but these are the thoughts you get.

You like the spaghetti with the ink from the squid. Oh, God. How nice is that? There's a place in Santa Monica. I can't find it out here. Here you go. I got the idea for you. Next time you're off this weekend,

stop this shit. You don't need to go to the store on Saturday. Take Marma. Do Friday. night and take mom and get in the car two hours to Santa Barbara. Stay at the hotel on the beach in Santa Barbara. We were just there. The last Italian restaurant on the strip, you go in there.

They have a lasagna with a meatball on the top, but they have the spaghetti with the calamari encounter. Really? I got a little, I got a lot of Santa Barbara. It's not a barber, but it's worth a home because your wife will have the lasagna with the meatball, the wine. It'll be fucking happy. Tremendous. They have a salad with escadol and beans. and this is nice.

The bread's a little fucked up, but they try. It's not like going to fucking Michelli's where they give you a popping fresh dough. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. Maybe next time. Maybe I'll come with somebody that's a Gentile that I appreciate this shit. I can't do it either.

All right. Santa Barbara, it is then. But I told Rogan, and he said there's a place in Santa Barbara, in Santa Monica. So we got to ask Joe. Joe says he goes down there once a month on the out. If he's down there, he goes to get the yink. Okay. Down there.

So I just don't know where. ever have that? No, I've never tried. Oh, my God. You know, he used to make, Cubans make a rocum calamade. So they use, instead of the pasta, they use white rice with the ink. Oh, really? So the ink is like, the rice is like a bluish black. Is it salty? What does it taste like? It just, I can't even describe it. Yeah, what is the, what is the taste of it? I can't even, it's, it's a fishy. It's a fishy, it's salty, but nice. It's something different, you know, it's really something nice. I've never even seen it on a menu. Listen, you're going to see that in old Italian neighborhoods in Boston.

You're going to see that in Cleveland, all the town in neighborhoods, those older neighborhoods, Chicago. You definitely see it on a menu somewhere. You know, there's somebody who does it, some old, older guy, you know, that'll take care of that. Like I said, I used to have it in my house growing up.

Really? My father, my stepfather, not the spaghetti. He had ink, sauce. Do you get the squid with the, I don't know. I didn't even ask, you know, I don't even like touching meat. I just got home. My wife was making a hamburger.

When I was making a protein shake. I love meat, but I don't like touching it. I don't want to see it in this fucking, I can marinate the shit out of food. I could cook it. I just, it's not my world. I don't like to see chicken raw. Whenever I see chicken raw, that's it, I'm done. Really?

Yeah, chicken coutlets I like Italian chicken coutlets with the breaded, deep fried and olive oil. You fucking save those for the morning. You put some salt and pepper, a little ketchup in the morning. This fucking guy was so high last night. Oh, in the morning? On chicken colored, though? Breaded?

Okay. A breaded chicken cutlet, a little ketchup, salt and pepper on a fork, cold, a little refrigerator. When I was a kid and my mom died, those kids used to bring me three or four chicken cutlets leftovers and aluminum four in the morning for breakfast that their parents would make in high school. I never eat. I didn't eat ketchup on a chicken chocolate. Okay. I'm not Italian, so I can't. Oh, my God.

Italian chicken chocolate. Not Italian, not an Italian what you like, parmesan. No, no, no, not chicken parmesan. Yeah, no. Just a regular chicken cutlet breaded. I always get like two. If I go to your house, I'll get two of them. Let's say your mother dips them in flour,

and then they dip them in the Italian breadcrumbs. Now people think they're fancy with the panco. Take that panco and shove it up your ass. I want fucking breadcrumb breadcrumbs. Who is it? Who's the company? Progresso. That's it.

I don't want nothing else. You show up with something else. You're insulting my fucking intelligent. Two of those would, and then sometimes they dip them in the fucking flour. Delicious. But you know what? You put a little salt and pepper, a little cream corn, a little mashed potato, cranberry juice on that.

the rocks a little club soda in that motherfucker don't get no better than that but the second one put a little ketchup on just a little bit and taste it with the ketchup don't let the ketchup hit the mashed potatoes then it's a complete different fucking situation you know what I'm sorry oh yeah yeah this podcast by the time I leave here I need to make you got ink oh no we'll have to get in the car to an hour 10 minutes to center delicious though listen man I tapped out on Italian food out here I'm not even Italian no I just got something tired I go to mazorinos for a quick fix for the lunch special. It's not bad for the 10 bucks, but it ends after the spaghetti and meatball. Like if you get the fraud Diablo, you're going to run out of there. If you get the

lasagna is not bad. You know, that's what they spend. It's like every Chinese isn't good here. Like when I go to sushi in Chicago or steak and shake or one of those places by riddles where it used to be, everything was good. When I go get Chinese here, you know what? The pork fried rice is really good, but everything else sucks. I got to go somewhere else for the egg rolls. That's mazorinos. You know, I like spaghetti. I like spaghetti and meat sauce, you know? Yeah.

And a couple meatballs. The sausage was horrendously bad. Bad, huh? But the spaghetti and meatballs, they got that down. So for me, with a little toss salad on the side, with blue cheese, a couple of tomatoes, I'm good. They have an escarole for happy hour, nine o'clock, escarole with bean soup. I'm scared to even get it because I might get depressed, so I don't even try. I used to go to Whole Foods for the pasta, for the food.

until I found out what my wife was paying for it every fucking Saturday. That's ridiculous. 26 bucks for a container pasta for Zool. 26 bucks, I could feed a whole fucking village in Napoli with 26 fucking dollars. It's beans and fucking grass and garlic. You know what I'm saying? I told my wife, we pay how much for that shit? Never again.

You got to go on YouTube and learn how to make that shit. Everything is on YouTube. Me and my wife really enjoy them going out to nice restaurants. That's one of our hobbies. We really enjoy a nice meal. And moats over there on Highland and Melrose on the corner there, it's Bastionage's place, Battalion Bastionage. And right next to it, they got a place, Chisbacca, which does great meat plates. And they do a thing, it's like a bread.

It's almost like a pizza dough. But the way they make it, it's got a little salt on it, and that's it. and it's in a copper dish that they ship in from Italy. And I've never tasted anything like it. It's almost like a flat bread. But it's got a salt to it that's out of this world. So I highly recommend that if you want a little date-night with the wife. What's your favorite places in this area here that you've got?

I know you go out to eat a lot. Our favorite restaurant, I think, is, God, so many. For sushi, we like. a Matsuhitsu on Las Sienega. That's a big spot for us.

Italian, we like Moza. We like No boo for sushi's good. Redo was a Mexican joint on

Melrose Avenue. They got a nice patio. We go out there get a little seafood, some wine. Me and my wife are really into wine, too.

We got married up in Napa. So we have a a big, big palette for wine because her parents are totally into wine. So, yeah, that's all we're doing is eating and drinking. Breakfast, do you eat at the house? I make breakfast. Egg wine, you should do the whole thing.

And a little breakfast. There's a place I go on Wilshire Boulevard and Houser called Black Dog Coffee. Yeah, a lot of people go there. Yeah, yeah. Get a little scramble, some turkey sausage and spinach. Jesus, Christ. And you have a nice little cup of coffee. You read the paper.

I still read the paper, by the way. I don't know if anybody else is doing that. I love reading the paper. I feel like I'm 78 years old half of the time. Reading a newspaper. I'm actually sitting down and eating breakfast. Does anybody do this stuff anymore? Yeah, yeah.

People love this shit. They just don't read the paper. What's lunch at your house? I go out. I'm a Chapulte guy for lunch. Really? I'm a creature of habit. Once I find a place, I just keep going back and back and back.

And I don't know. On the road, do you? try different places or what do you do? If it's not walking distance, I'm not getting in the car and driving. So you're a guy just, you lock yourself in the room and you don't come out until the show? Half and half. Half and half. I go to the gym. I like to walk around the area where I'm at, but I don't want to get in no car, Sebastian. No car? No cars. I just don't want to get into the, you know. I like it. I rent the car and I just go around to see what they got. I can't stay in the hotel.

I've done, I'm like you. I've done comedy for 20 years and I went out as a feature. Act. When I was a feature act, I went to museums, I went to ball games. I did all that shit in the daytime because the show didn't count on me. Didn't count on somebody else. All I had to do was 25 minutes. I could drink. Now that people paying for tickets, I really can't deter that. I can't go to dinner with Sebastian and get all warmed up. I got two shows. And now, I'm tired because I was with Sebastian. And so I try to maintain my energy. I got it. Like Saturdays, I like to be on the first flight out Sunday. So that means Saturdays, I take it easy, I take a nap, I go for breakfast, I go for a nice breakfast, to walk, I take a nap, I smoke some dope, I get up, I go to the gym, I come back, I write somewhere, I go somewhere, coffee shop, I write, and then I go do the show.

But as far as fucking no, no, I love doing jiu-jitsu, and that's the first thing. When I find out the hotel, I see what's closed by. If I got to get in the car, I'm very done with cars. Like, I don't want to be involved because it's never just a straight shot. I don't know where the fuck I am. I don't know where I am. So now I got to play at 30 feet, make a right turn. If I don't make the right, I end up in Chattanooga.

You follow me? I'm retarded. I know me. I know Uncle Joey. You follow me? I like going to places where it's very easy. I like Columbus because I got a couple of restaurants right there walking distance. I like anywhere.

I don't go to clubs where there's no civilization. Like I'm too old. I've been doing this for too long. I need something, bro. I need something. You know, now at the places they have, and it breaks my heart. that I go to a place, like a commercial place,

like this weekend, and where'd I fucking go? In Grand Rapids. In Grand Rapids, I went to the steak place. And it was Menza Mort. It wasn't even, the salad was great. The steak was, you know, but it's one of those places, like a Ruth Chris. It wasn't Ruth Crystal.

It was the other one. I used to love going to places, like when I go to Minneapolis, there's a spot that's a Cuban joint that the lady open only opens up for breakfast and lunch. I go there. But if it's something I can get here, I'm not doing that. I don't go to Houston to eat a cheeseburger, Jack.

I go to Houston to tear up that motherfucking papadose and tear up that. You follow me? I want to get some Allergan. I want to get some barbecue. I'm not waiting on line for an hour for four hours in Austin. It don't mean that much to me. I don't want to send somebody away online.

I'm not a Puerto Rican. I'll go somewhere because bad barbecue in Texas is better than good barbecue. I'm confused here in Los Angeles. This is supposed to be a mecca of food. and I got to pay an arm and a leg to get good fucking food. That's not right.

I'm used to places like Chicago that I could go to a fucking neighbor. I don't mind driving to a neighbor where I can still pay $4 for a meatball sandwich. Yeah, a meatball sandwich. And some fat lady with fat under her arms is making it for me. It's not out here at all, man.

No, and this is what breaks my heart. This is the problem. Lately, I've lost some weight because it's not the diet. It's that I'm to the point where I tell him, if I'm going to go eat pizza from rev pizza, I'll pass. I'll pass.

The best pizza I know right now is stove is French bread. Crisp that motherfucker up and dope it up. That's it. That's it. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to go waste my time. There's a place on Ventura, Chinese, New York style. The egg roll is always bursting at the side.

I go up there, I got to eat fucking French style filet mignon. Delicious. Go up to the green apple and before you go home. Get the French style for laymanian with the white rice, Sebastian. Good. Your asshole of bread. But that's not Chinese food. When I used to get off the plane and what, not the main airport in Chicago, but the other,

Midway. Midway. Ten minutes to midway. There's 20 places that I don't drop 20 with you. Me and you could eat. All right, maybe we'll drop 25 and we'll go home fucking stuffed. That's what I'm used to. I want to see that in America again.

You know, that's what I want to see again. You know, I like divers drives and, you know, sometimes they show you a restaurant. That I'll do. But to go get a, you know, I love like when I work. the house of comedy in the hotel there they got a fucking great stew and they got a great i don't mind that but sebastian i don't want to drive all over in a town that i don't know well listen i don't blame you don't want to get lost you want to take the ride on my god but to me it's a little adventure yeah yeah yeah rie too rye takes the shirt off walks around with no shirt on who does that

who does this yeah i don't i don't i'm not taking my shirt off but uh yeah i don't know it's to me i got to get out man i got to get out and about i got to feel the city a little bit i got I feel the sun. I like feeling the sun. I'm a big sun guy. I love, yeah. I'm Cuban. It's in my fucking blood. I come from an island. Have you been there? When I was born there. Yeah, three years. I left when I was three, man. Wow. And all I remember is a fucking ocean is the fucking ocean. It's the saddest thing. I just remember looking at an ocean. I remember different things, but I can't verify them in my head. But I do remember that ocean and that smell. You know, my mom was very influenced by Italian people in Cuba. You know, in Cuba. Cuba, the pizza standard came with lobster tail. Wow. A lot of people don't know that. What do you don't know that?

See, they forget. You got to get those old Cubans that had businesses. And, you know, because the people from Chicago that went to Cuba, they wanted the chef from Maserinos in the south side. Yeah. So Capone would fly that motherfucker down there. You know, the guys, see, the problem I have with Mozart and stuff like that, but I'm an old man. Guess what? You're three cheese, arabiata.

Well, I love arabiata, but I'm saying that dish they always invent. On penny, when I see that for $42, it just snaps my neck. Yeah, no, it's ridiculous. Because I want, I just want a nice... I just want a plate. You just want a plate a pasta. A pasta with sauce. Yeah, I get you.

Two meatballs, a nice sausage. Maybe a cheese platter, a glass of red wine. Dog, you can't beat that, and you don't get fat on that shit. Yeah, if you sit there with the fucking bread, and then that's again, listen, there's nothing better than dipping that bread in the sauce. You know, there's nothing better than breaking that bread. Fuck gluten. Fuck your mother.

Fuck, the gluten swells me up. That's good. I'll take the swelling. Those people in Chicago, they do great in the winter. Over here, you're freezing 60 degrees. Rather of all. They're freezing the 60 degrees.

It's cold. Those people in Chicago, you think, warms them up. The fucking gluten, that pasta. That's what, that pasta for Zool, you know, in the winter. What do Italians make? Poor Italians. It's peasant food. It's peasant food, you know?

I grew up with these people that, they were such Italians. Like, they even made, like, peas and potatoes like I'm with pasta that that's too primitive for me those are cave italians too those are corneo italians cave italian fucking peas and spaghetti and potatoes on pasta which isn't bad the potatoes and the peas on pasta isn't fucking bad Sebastian I went back to the comedy store last August

man and uh I really like being there and I got to tell you something before we start the conversation I don't like anybody Sebastian I know you've known this for years. I know you have your issues also. You're a friendly guy, though. You're one of the first guys at the comedy store that as a young comedian coming into Los Angeles is one of the first guys I talked to.

You seem very approachable. There's a reason to that. There's a reason to that. I have a certain soft spot for Italians and you look like one of my dearest gumbas that would take a bullet. Like, they don't have that. So as soon as I associated you, I associated you with this kid that he was so good looking, we put him out of his bait, and then we'd mug the

fags. That's how much I love That's how much I loved them. Wasn't he like the kid at the team of police or something? Oh my God, it was tremendous. I loved him. I don't want to say his name. He's in business now, but he showed me a lot of love when I needed as a child. He'd bring me into his house and his mother, his father always made chili.

Like there's some people, that's a dish I love, like a good chili with rice with rice and onions, raw onions. And he would tell him, my dad, Coco really loves your chili. So every time the guy, the guy would be driving a police car. They'd see me go, Coco, come over next Wednesday. I'm making my chili, right? And he'd just take off. That's he'll, and I, he was always good to me. His sister was always good to me.

I hung out with his cousins. They had two batches of cousins. Very interesting family, because the one side were cops and the other side were gangsters. So they didn't talk. Wow. They fucking tremendous. But the kids talked. They were all mad because the chief of police's sister was married to the mafia.

But they were all cousins. I went to school with three of the batches. That's crazy. So he was my friend. So when I saw you, you were very quiet like he was. He was good looking, quiet. But his Italian jeans, he was always thinking. He might be looking at you.

You were looking like Sebastian. People said, look at Sebastian. He's over there in the corner like a MOOC. Stand there. But Sebastian's over there thinking how he's going to take over the fucking world, you fucking jerk off while you're over here talking about that joke you wrote in Memphis last week. Oh, my God. It was tremendous.

Sebastian's over there looking at you thinking this fucking pork chop. You know, and that was Girard. Gerard was always, so I understood you from day one, the Cologne, you were very hard worker. I could see that they were pulling you in one direction and you would dabble in that direction with those fucking, with the wonderbread Italians, they would take you, but you were two of your jeans were pulling you. You didn't want no part of it. And I always had the utmost respect for you.

And over the years, Ari would always tell me, fucking Sebastian killing it. And I would go, Ari, it doesn't surprise me. When everybody else was yakking, he was in the back taking notes. Those are the scariest people, not guys like me that talk. The guys that sit and watch and smile at you, that's old Italian. That's shit. Fuck you, fang-ul, your mother. And they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, smiling.

And then later on, you wake up in the middle of the night to get water, and you got a knife in your fucking neck. And the guy standing there playing the fucking ukulele singing your Italian songs and shit. That's the mentality. Well, this is a typical Italian that has a characteristic of being a loud guy, being a talker. But for myself, I was always very shy, very kind of laid back. I didn't like being, I didn't monopolize a conversation. I just kind of sat and listened and nodded.

And I don't know. I just thought you'd never learned anything by talking. Always. So I just kept silent. And when I went to the comedy store, I didn't know how to blend in. It feels like, you know, you feel like a new kid in school, especially when you come out, Los Angeles, 1998. I know nobody. Now, where did you come from?

I came from Chicago. I was born and raised in Chicago. How many stand-ups did you do in Chicago before you? I did. I did once in college. I opened up for the national comedian that was coming to the school. They had a contest. Who was it?

God, I forget his name. It will come to me as we talked. But funny story he ended up featuring for me three years ago when I went to Cleveland. And I didn't tell him that I was the guy who opened up for him 18 years or 15 years prior. But it was just a funny, funny how the world works. But anyway, I open up for him. It's a primarily black audience at the college. And I'm dying, sweating up there.

And I'm dying. And the jokes ain't hitting. And I start hearing, Sandman. Sandman. I go, what the hell is Sandman? Later on, I find out it's what they scream at the Apollo when you stink. So that was my first introduction in the stand-up comedy, and after that I didn't do it for three years until I moved out to Los Angeles. So I started here from Chicago in 1998, and I took Sandy Shore's sandbox class, which not knowing anything about comedy.

I start looking in the trade papers. I go, oh, Sandy Shore, who is the daughter of Mitsy Shore, has a class at the comedy store. So light bulb goes off, I'll take the class, and if the daughter likes me, she'll tell the mother, I'm in. So the first day, we're in the class, and she says, me and my mother, we don't really get along. I'm thinking, there goes $450. There goes my plan. But, I mean, say what you want about stand-up comedy class. I know it's got like a negative connotation for some people.

It helped me, for the six months that I was in, it just kind of be comfortable going up on stage in front of a, a group of people who were doing the same thing. And then after that, I came into the comedy store about a year and a half later. I got passed, and that's where I kind of got introduced to you. And like I said, you were very friendly open. Hey, what's going on? We would bullshit in the parking lot. And then you vanished for what?

2007. 2000. Gone. Didn't see you at a- 47 years. Did you leave because why? Or what happened? There was reasons.

I didn't like the direction that was going. That was number one. And I felt like I had overstayed my welcome. If you were to start at Zanis in Chicago, you start as an MC. And after about three, three and a half years, you'd feature. And then after five or six years, you'd get really good Sebastian, but you'd have all the local references down. So, you know, a night that they're coming in to see Joe Rogan,

you open up for him. And the next thing you know, you're rocking in front of Joe Rogan. It's taking Joe Rogan eight minutes to get it together. Well, you've got to make a move. So now what's his name? Bert comes up to him. He goes, Sebastian. You got a great set.

What I'm going to do is headline you on the holidays. So now you buy another year in Chicago. So you headline Christmas. You headline Thanksgiving. You headline the 4th of July. After that, there's nowhere for you to go, Sebastian. So that's six, seven year mark. I just wasn't going nowhere.

That was one part of it. The other part of it was the whole Tommy thing with Rogan and the whole thing. I just, because Rogan got thrown out of there way before he got thrown out of there. They went on that tour, and that's when the whole plot was getting assembled, and they would come to me. And they go, when your boy came back, he's not going to do 40 minutes. Like, what are you telling me for? Go tell him. It was like, I saw the whole thing evolve.

Then I got a call from Tommy about Caparulo and fucking Carlos, and then the commercial, the Super Bowl commercial came with Carlos. Third commercial on the Super Bowl. third commercial first commercial break of the super bowl third commercials carlos man see it i'm watching this going this is not good every comic in l.A. right now their heads blowing up and sure enough two weeks later carlos gets into the beef with joe rogu and it was just it was a power cake but that commercial that thing fucking said at all i just thought that i was overstaying my welcome i wasn't seeing myself go anywhere i got off the blow i was trying to just uh find my way and that's happened i just didn't want to just i just saw the dark side of it it was just getting too out of

control and i had it had done what it had to do yeah i had overstayed my welcome you know so now you return right now do you feel at home there is it something where you're like yes absolutely when i see guys like you it makes me very happy when i see uh you know i go down and i see rio i see duncan i still get even kurt fox it's changed a lot it's great to see him um um um um um I feel I'm too old. I feel like when we started and those guys would be up and they'd be creepy. They're just eyeballing you. And you get there and they come up to you know, what time is your spot?

12.45. I don't have a spot. And I don't want to be that guy. Yeah, yeah. And so I go down there. I don't want to be talking to girls and sitting in the back and talking about my days there. And we did blow with Chewy. That's not for me.

So tonight I have a 1045 spot. I'll get there at 1025. I'll sit there. I want to see you who was in front of me and whoever's behind me and I get out of there. I don't drink. I don't do anything there. I don't even smoke pot there.

It's a different thing for me. I feel like one of those creepy guys. Remember the guys that used to hang out there? Yeah, well, you'd never be that guy. No, no, no, no, no. But the day I don't get spots, there's a day I'm not going to sit there. And I ask Sebastian, what time is your spot? 12.10?

I wish I was getting spots, man. I used to get six spots a week. No, listen, it's over. To go home and play with the kid. So, no, I feel tremendously. there, it's up my game. Yeah. It's really up my game.

It's amazing. You think you're a headliner. And like I tell people at time and don't comedy for 24 years, I've been headlining for maybe eight of those and I just became a headliner, maybe three years ago. You're a headliner.

You're in the top of your game right now. You know, you work hard. You've worked hard. You're one of the guys that blew me away at the comedy. So I would come home and wake my wife up and go, I got to tell you the Sebastian joke. And I would fuck it up,

hack it up to death, but we would die a laughter. And when your special came on, we watched it, we went on Netflix and got the other one. And I've said it here time and time again that I think you're in the top three standups working today. Thank you. Your stories, your deliverance, your anger, you know. And I would hear different bits, but I would try to bump into you to give you a hug, and I would never bump into it. And then my friend from Florida hit me up, Roseanne Di Agostino.

Oh, yeah, they've been to know. Now, who does she come with when they go? A bunch of fat chicks from my hometown? Pasia and all those fat chicks. No, I've never seen her with a large group of people. It's been, I think I saw him twice at the show. If we're talking about the same people. Right, exactly.

It was a cute girl, Hawaiian-looking Italian girl. And she was with a guy, I think. Skinny Italian guy, right. But the guy knows you, too. Does he? There's another guy. There's a guy that always comes to my shows that, hey, no, Joe. In South Florida.

Yeah, if you go to South Florida, you're going to all my high school, the Cubans and Italians, when they got out of the high school, they all go to South Florida. So when you do, like today, I called Jimmy Villano. I spoke to him, I told him you on the show. He's ecstatic. This is kids I grew up with. Well, this is Fort Lauderdale.

Fort Lauderdale. Yeah. Okay, this is your crew that come to the show. And yeah, I think this guy went to high school with you. All of them, all of them. The girl Roseanne shed a locker with me. I'll tell you how skinny I was. I used to put on her gym shorts.

Wow. My sophomore year, she needed a, it was me, her, and this girl named Donna Dona Dona Rubo. And Donna Ruba was dating a football player and they stole a car one night and the cops just something and they crashed a fucking car and they died. So I became tied to with Roseanne and the Agostino.

But I hung out with her crazy brother. We used to take acid and get a ghetto boss and get on the bus from New York to Seaside Heights and play highway to hell. And the bus drive would pull over and say, please, please lower that. So I was tight with her.

So she hit me up one day and she goes, hey, and I'm thinking about coming to your show. So I was fucking around. I go, listen, because I know they were all born again Christians. Oh, are they? Yeah, they're on the Christian side. What happened was Roseanne, this other girl, Tasia, that was a hot piece of ass when I

was growing up, hot piece of ass. She started dating some wise guy and going to Atlantic City, and one night they got drunk and killed the couple. But he went to jail. These stories. Can you believe this? I'm sitting here listening to you. Can you believe this shit?

I didn't even grow up remotely close to any of the stories. that you tell. It's amazing. Acid on the thing. Someone getting murdered. Most people don't. You have no fucking idea, Doug. Did you go to high school in Florida? I went to high school in northern New Jersey

in a town called North Bergen, New Jersey. You know what bananas is? Yeah. The other way. I'm towards the Lincoln Town. I'm next to Hoboken. Where did Florida come in? Everybody from my hometown in North Bergen regroups and goes to Florida.

That's the big thing. All those Italians and all those Cubans, they grew up together. So in Roseanne's block alone, on Roseanne's cul-de-sac, where she lives, it's Roseanne, that girl Tasia that was married to the wise guy, and then they killed the couple. She got probation and was pregnant. She had a kid. The guy hasn't seen the kid.

He's in prison. He came out, Frankie Yvella. And then there's chick-tritches that I used to fuck around with, this little fat fuck. They all live on the same block. Their kids go to school together. Their kids hang up together, bro. It's an amazing story. I got them all the way down.

I got the Luchis. I got thousands of Italians that I grew up with, the katamattries. They were all down there. And then I got a whole bunch of Cuban kids. I got a whole bunch of people down there that have contacted me and said, Sebastian's coming to town. And then say hello.

And I go, yeah, go down there and say hello. Wow. The guys from American Top Team play your fucking CD, one of the guys. Because they came to see Rogan. American Top Team's an MMA team in South Florida. They come to your shows. They just embarrass to say hello. Why are you embarrassed to say hello?

You people bit slap people. Because when I went down there with Rogan, they said, Sebastian's coming in two weeks. We can't wait. Oh, that's fun. That's nice to know. So we cross. Yeah, we cross. A lot of people, I went to school with the fans of yours.

One kid, that's a longshoreman, called me about a year ago. And he asked me a bunch of creepy questions about you. And I go, why? And he goes, my wife and him were watching him. Joey, it was like, he's one of us. That's what I grew. Because you could fit right into our fucking neighbor, except the murders and the asses. Well, it's an immigrant.

What people are relating to, I think, is an immigrant upbringing and just the way we grew up. You know, you started the show with how people dress. That comes from somewhere. That comes from parenting. That comes from, right? No, that comes from someone telling you what to do and what not to do. You're right? You're looking for his pretzels.

I'm looking for my chocolate bonbons. You guys were talking earlier about, like, if you think it's going to come back. And it has started coming back, but the issue is it's like hipsters. Like a lot of people are having, like, small restaurants now, and, like, they're dressing up in suits, but they're like hipsters. So I don't know if you want them to be doing it. But those are the people that are doing it. I want you to do it from the heart.

You can tell. Yeah, you could tell when a guy is manufactured and when a guy leaves the house. Yeah. And the guy is manufactured, guys like me get upset. I ain't got no problem to get a piece of pussy but they don't get manufactured If it takes you 10 minutes

To put that baseball hat on You're manufactured Yeah And follow me, it looks fake If the shirt has to be a certain way So they see the tattoo Yeah It doesn't bother me

But you're selling That's it We have nothing to talk about It's too planned It's got to be natural It's been natural It's amazing how much work it must be Like I was at the store the other day

And this dude had Like pressed on fake fingernails He had like a whole setup And it's just like, you just misspent all your day, like just planning it. And all you need to do is eat a piece of salmon and fucking dip some weights on your back. That's it. A little fucking spaghetti, a little meat sauce. You're back.

You don't need all that dress up. It ain't fucking Halloween. I dress like a union electrician for a reason. I love it. I love my little unit electrician attire. This is it. You don't know where I'm coming from. I could be a cop.

I could be an electrician. Yeah. So I think that's what it is. it's a familiarity with upbringing. Cuban, Italian, Spanish, Greek. It's all the same thing, really.

I'm in the process or writing a book. I'm sorry, go ahead, go ahead, my brother. I was just going to say, do you still do the, aren't you embarrassed thing on Instagram? Because that's the best.

I was just watching forever because you would think they would be, but they're just not, they're just totally unaware. That started as a young kid where I just would walk around and in my head going, did you embarrassed?

I mean, like, anything you look at, Just their behavior or whatever. And then I didn't know what my role in social media was when it first came out. I looked at it and I go, what am I going to do with this? Twitter. I'm not a guy that does like funny little quips and whatnot on Twitter. The president's getting shot.

I don't like that. Yeah. And I'm like, what am I going to do? How am I going to populate the Internet with something that's kind of close to me, my point of view? And anyway, I just started walking around And then when the iPhone Started becoming popular with the video And this and that

I would video somebody whatever Clipping their toenails at the airport Or whatnot and go That's you embarrassed And just share it online And you know Now people are kind of sharing their own Aren't you embarrassed moments

And whatnot So it's like I'm like the social police The behavior police Where you know It's in a world you do whatever the hell you want no consequences if i'm around i'm going to shame you into acting properly so has anybody ever caught you taking a picture of them no i'm very discreet with it but you know and another

thing it's this is all in good fun by the way i mean i'm not saying that i don't do any embarrassing things i write a scooter for christ's sake so yeah i'm embarrassed every once in a while myself but you know i need the people like i post something uh that like they brought a dog to the a graduate You know, and they dressed the dog up in the, and then you get people, well, he's probably a service animal. It's a, it's comedy. It ain't serious. You know, the dog's dressed up in a graduation outfit. Service dog or not.

It's funny, no? Do people accuse you of bullying? Yeah, yeah, you get a bullying type of, it's not bullying. It's not bullying. It's just pointing out the absurdities in life. and making light of it. That's all it is. And the archer embarrassed hashtag is just a brand that I've created where, you know, if you see something,

you think, oh, Sebastian would probably not like that type of behavior, right? That's all. That's all it is. Clipping your toenails somewhere in public. Well, the toenails, listen, I don't know about you, but I see it a lot. I see it more than I should. people whipping out a toenail clipper and clipping their nails. I've heard it on the plane.

I've been on the plane. I go, wait. Somebody clinton. And then sure enough, you turn around, that guy's clipping his nails. Now, I've never brought a clipper out. I've never had that readily available. That's a conscious choice you got to make to say, you know what? If I get a chance, I'm going to clip my nails in public today.

And sure enough, people are doing it. I don't know. There's just a, there's a, like you say, there's a set of rules you get growing up as a kid from your parents of how to behave. And I'm looking around and a lot of people just, they don't have a rule book. They have no common sense. No common sense. When you fly, you really see how dumb society is. I'm not saying I'm a five beta cap.

I've made a thousand mistakes. But when you fly, you see the stupidity. You see the Gentiles, the whitest people in the wrong. I mean, you're fucking white, dummy. That fucking Chinese lady over there knows where she's going. And you're walking around using logic. No. There's no logic.

Follow the fucking arrows. This is a door. You can't stop at the door and go, wow, look at this airport. Because I got fucking, the troops coming behind me. Get the fuck out of the way. There's just so many things. People that bring food on the planes. And, you know, people, I see anybody, like,

my big thing is leaving the house without a shower. I could tell when you leave the house without a shower. You want to get under my fucking call. I don't care how busy you are in the morning. There's seven minutes. I could take a shower in seven minutes, guys. I put the hot water on. I'm putting the hot water on.

I brush my teeth. Once the shower, I don't give a fuck about a drought, okay? That shower better be hot when I go in it. Fuck you and your fucking drought and your fucking tomatoes. You should have thought of that when you built fucking water world. I go in the shower, I put the fucking shampoo in my head. Why the shampoo in my head is melting the gel, I'm where the particles come out of my fat fucking body.

I take the lufa, and I put the Irish spring fucking soap, or the other one my wife gets the blue shit, and I scrub myself down, okay? I get the ball sack, I pick up my feet, I hit my feet, just because you pick up particles. Then I take a special lufor, and I take that one, and I rip my asshole, and I take all the fucking butterflies and whatever's around the edge of your ass,

I'm saying? So you got a separate asshole aloof? That just touches the assail. That's it. That's it. Why would I infect the rest of the fucking loophers? Is it like a special shape?

Yeah, I'm going to make a special... I cut it. I took a lufa that was fucked up, and I cut it, and I stapled the handle from the other luf, and it's small and stint, and I put my fingers right into it, and I scrubbed my asshole so there's no stink. You know, how many times I come out of the shower,

and I still got that whang to it. I don't want to live like that. I want my asser to be fresh. claim. And I'm not even making a joke here. This is the truth. I have a special lufu for my asshole and for my nutsack combination under here. I don't want that touch on my feet or my face. You know, what comes out of your ass? You're eating that meat. God knows that they put in it in the residue from the... Yeah, yeah. You need to clean that. So wait, you'll eat an ass, but you won't wash your body with the same lufa that...

Not eating ass, though. I'm like a cat, okay? I got to clean his mouth around. I can suck 20 pussies with fucking VD in them and fucking crack hole pussy. And the next day, I'm breathing on you. It smells like... like Listerine. That's what we got. We're like dogs. Our mounds are tremendous. We don't lick ourselves because we're stupid. Nobody fucking did that test yet. If we look, you ever cut yourself like a, you ever cut yourself and you have a dog lick your wounds? You ever see St. Lazarus? St. Lazarus had leprosy and the dogs were

licking his fucking wounds because they could take care of the lepros. That's why in Cuba you can't touch a dog because of St. Lazarus. You know, we're very, uh, you know, we can throw the malook on you too. I don't fuck around. I put a malook on you, motherfucker. You'll be walking with a lusuf. You'll be walking with a limp in seven days, bitch. I just don't like putting it out there because then sometimes it backfires and then I step on a piece of glass and I'm fucked up, you know what I'm saying?

Maybe the guy's got his own maluk. Is there a defense mechanism for the Molokio in Cuba? Like, for example, Italians, they have a horn that they wear around the night. What's the horn called? The cornato? Yeah. Hornado. Cornado.

It's with a C. I think it's called Hornato. Okay. And then they have this thing, this little keychain almost with the fingers that they put in the pocket. And then they have a horseshoe that they turn upside down over the door. And that's supposed to keep all the maloic oil. Away. Right.

Is there anything in the Cuban culture? We go deeper with the Sicilians. The Sicilians are the ones that get creepy on you. They're the ones that... Well, I'm half Sicilian. Right. So they're the ones that when you cook a fish, they take the eye. the eye of that Sicilian culture is very, very, very, Aloho.

That's the fucking whole thing, the eye. So they put a molyke back on you. They put them a loit back on you with the eye of the fish. They put like garlic in there, some tomatoes and some peppers, and you're done. You know, Mr. Barone used to have stories that he hated the Yankees so much growing up. Him and his father would sit with the horns. And every time Reggie Jackson, he would tell his story. He goes, every time Reggie Jackson would slide, we put the maloic on him to break an ankle.

Break an ankle, you fucking never work. Fucking hilarious. Well, the Jews, they spit. Don't they do like a spitting? Are you Jewish? Yeah. Look at these. My brother-in-law is Israeli.

Okay. And if they say anything like good, they don't want to like curse it. So they'll spit. I don't know that one. No? I don't doubt it. Especially over there, there's a lot of like superstitions and stuff like that. My mother would spit on itself whenever somebody said cancer.

So somebody was. a conversation, they go, cancel my mother-go, don't say that. And she'd spit on herself and keep walking, why? Jesus Christ. Oh, man. It's, uh, it was very interest in me when I moved to North Bergen. I thought that I really knew people. When I moved to North Bergen, uh, I had a Sicilian family.

I was very friends with. They were blonde hair and blue eyes. from the bottom. Mr. Barone used to goof on him. What type of Sicilians are you? A blonde hand blew out with you. From the bottom of the shoe? What happened to your people? One of the kids I grew up with died,

but their parents, their mother's still alive. Everybody's croaked. The son, the only ones alive that the daughter, you know, I got in contact with him, I was doing Lycus. The daughter was out of here going to law school, and she heard it, and she called me on Lycus. Wow.

And we reconnected. And I learned a lot from her family. And they would tell me stories about Cicciccic. Sicily's just like you, but it's an island, bro. You know, but the fame story they told me was like in 16-something when they, when the Moors were raping the women. That's why Sicilians don't like rape. It's in their DNA.

Like, their whole thing does not like the word. They don't like it. And they called it the night of the Vespas, 14-something. It was a long time when the Moors were in Sicily. And they got up and they cut their dicks and put them in their fucking mouths. That's a true story. Wikipedia it. Wow.

And they would tell me those, you know, later on, years later, I found him and was like, oh, my God, I remember them telling me about this. When I was a kid, I worked for the Severinos, and they used to build sidewalks and shit. And all mafia, they were just straight up Italian family. The guy was 60 when I knew him, and he's still 60. He's one of those Italian. Yeah. But he had the best diet.

I have a song in my life. He would have the Tupperware, even then in the 70s, and he'd have like a suitcase with like six or seven Tupperwares. And for breakfast, he'd come. We'd work a little bit. And he'd open up and he'd have, like, one egg with one piece of toast and butter and one piece of bacon, like a tomato. He would eat the tomato. Then at 10, he had, like, a little piece of lasagna.

Then at lunchtime, he had wine with, like, a piece of cheese, you know. And then... Sounds so simple. It's simple. And then at two, he'd eat an apple. And then at 4, he'd have another little piece of cheese, and his wife would pour wine into a thing and put surround. wrap over it so it wouldn't leak if it were tipped over and he would drink the wine at four o'clock

with one ice cube in it that he got from whosoever house he was working at his diet was so and when i go home now i haven't seen them like 10 years they could be dead but the last time i saw him he looked exactly the same i never forgot that diet now like lately i've been doing it just eating smaller meals more like sometimes you just take two spoof pieces of lasagna and it's good enough that's it if you got good fucking lasagna you take three bites of it that's all you need you're fucking good you're good to go on the run. What's up, Lee?

Nothing. How do you guys know each other? We met online. Is that right? We met online and started the podcast about four years ago. We did documentary together. What do you mean? Metonline?

We were dating. That's dot on. Jews meet online and shit. No, he hit me up on Facebook and asked me if I needed any help. And at the time, I was taking to quit in Sebastian. In 2007, eight, I was like, that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to go on the road no more. I'm just going to do spots around town.

I do a movie, TV shows. I get a job selling cars right there on Lancashire. You were going to get out of the business. I was going to stop touring. I wasn't going to do comedy no more. I didn't want to work Sunday through Sunday. I did all that. For years, I did that.

I'm done. They want to give you $1,500 and get your own plane ticket. I was like, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that at all. And no sudden, I started doing a podcast with Felicia, and then in the process, I met Lee. And we started doing stupid videos, and we did a documentary about my hometown, and then we started doing this podcast.

And we're up to about 300 episodes, right? Yeah, with live podcasts, we're over 300. Yeah, so. That's amazing, this podcast, how they've just taken up. Everybody's got, how do you feel about everybody having a podcast? Is this something that... It doesn't bother me at all. Everybody has a voice.

There's a spot for everybody. Yeah. You know, there's a spot for everybody. You have to work a little harder. You know, you have to do good at what you do, and you have to get good guests in your outlook, and you just keep believing, and you get up every morning you do it. I couldn't imagine not having one now.

I couldn't imagine not having one. You know, I'll do a podcast that we have three listeners. I have three listeners. I'll look at Lee and say, Lee, what the fuck are we doing with our lives? It's time to blow this up. It gave the comedian a different angle, Sebastian. It gave you a chance to talk about your parents and the neighborhood you came from and how you were raised

and what you thought, which you're doing already. This just, and it makes people connect with you in a different way. You know, you do a movie. You do an Adam Sandlin movie. Sebastian was great. He was great. And then you come on stage and it's great. When you do this, they get to understand this.

They want to know. Yeah. I know a little quirks. And you can't blame them. You know, it's a society where you fucking need more. You know, you want more. You don't have a podcast no more? Oh, yeah, we do it every Friday.

You win. Me and Pete Coriale. I know it was a Pete. I didn't know who. Yeah. And it's more like storytelling. It's basically, it would be like getting on the phone with your buddy. and saying, what you do this week?

And then boom, we just share stories about what happened. And we got a little listenership. It's called The Pete and Sebastian Show. And it's just two guys kind of sharing stories about their lives, their wives, being on the road. How do you know Pete? I know Pete through a tour that we did through the Just for Last Comedy Festival in Toronto. And talk about not liking people. I'm not the guy that, like I say, I do a tour with four or five comedians.

I'm not the guy that's like talking in the van. I'm the guy that's silent and listening. You know, like who's annoying me or who's, who do I want to hang with? What guy am I going to kind of? And me and Pete, boom, right away. It was like we were buddies for our whole life. We started talking. He ended up moving out to Los Angeles.

And I said, you want to do like a podcast? You want to start something up? And we started it. He moved back to New York. So now we do it over Skype. So it's good. It's another outlet's long stories that we probably wouldn't get to share on stage because on stage you've got to keep the laughs coming.

And some of the stuff that we talk about on our podcast, it takes seven, eight minutes to really get going. Yeah, get going. So it's allowed us to share stories that we particularly wouldn't share on stage to an audience that is a different audience. I mean, the podcast audience I noticed is different than, and the people that kind of like my comedy. There's a lot of people that come to my shows

don't even know I have a podcast. You know, I mean, it's like these two separate groups of people. Like, hey, man, listen to the cat. It's almost like a secret society, at least ours is, where they come up to you after the show and they go, listen to the cast. You know, like it's like a secret. So, yeah, it's been good.

It's been good for us. And I enjoy it. I don't go on too many other podcasts. I just because A, I travel a lot and B, you know, there's, I don't hang around with a lot of comedians. I don't know a lot of comedians, to be honest with you. I don't have a lot of it. You know what's at the store. You know, Dove, you know, me, you know, Rogan, your wheels.

You know what's at the store. You're like me. I don't, I can't go to all those places. How does it feel to be where you're at now, bro? Like to walk into a, because this is a fucked up question, but let's fucking answer it. Because it happens to me to walk into an improv, there's a picture of you. Did you ever think in the beginning when you got any of this would be possible when you were at the store sitting there quiet? I mean, you know, I always dreamt big.

I always in my head was like, this not going to happen overnight, number one. Number two, you know, it's going to take a while. And to be honest, I would walk in and I would look at the, the, pictures on the wall and go, wow, not if, but when am I going to be up there? When am I going to be big enough or they're going to even consider me to be up on the wall? But when you see it, and then you're next to a comedian who's super successful, it's, yeah, it makes you feel proud, you know? I mean, it's, it's nice. It's nice to see. It's nice to have the recognition going from a comedian who, you know, no one really, you know, you know, you go. You know,

in these rooms you did the $1,500,000 a $1,000 a week, nobody knew who you were. Nobody knew. You were just doing comedy for the people that said, let's go watch some comedy tonight. And then you walk in now and the people are there to actually see you because they really enjoy your work, which, you know, could be good and bad. Sometimes I feel like I wish sometimes no one knew who I was just for a challenge for myself to see if I could make a group of people kind of get on board with my point of view and they're discovering it as it's happening.

Because right now when they come to see, they know, okay, this is the guy who's got a strong opinion about people and so that, so they're ready for it. But I don't know, don't you like to go into a room sometimes and perform for a group that might not know what you're about? Absolutely. You know, the same thing is happening here with a podcast. People come on and listen to the podcast. They expect to hear certain things they want to.

You know, people come on Thursday and they're like, great show tonight. We'll be back on Saturday. I'm like, God damn it. I got to switch it around now. In my head, I got to fucking switch it around.

But listen, man, this is why we got into this. Yeah. I love the struggling part of it. I say it all the time. I love doing stand-up except when money's involved. Stand-up is so much fun when you just go do a spot.

You don't really. Once money gets involved, ah, really. Really? You know, I need this shit now. You know, that's what I like the story. You go there and you don't know who's going to be in the audience. It could be people from Australia. It could be whatever.

No, I like one. Absolutely. I love going to play. I can't still believe I love performing. I never thought at this age I'd be on the road. I love it. I love what's happening now with the social media. I like that you meet them on Twitter.

You communicate with them on Twitter. And now I see you live. and we take a picture. So the whole circle came, you know. I've been giving you free content. Now, you give me 20 bucks. You come to the show, you have a few drinks. Yeah.

You know, the way I put it in my head now is the album. When I was a kid, I knew what it was to say, Sebastian, what are you doing tonight? Nothing. My mom's going out, dog. I got the new Richard Pryor album. Give me five bucks. Let's get a nickel bag.

Let's get a bottle of vodka. It's the same thing, only in a bigger thing. Yeah. And what was the movie, any given Sunday, When Pacino pulls over Jamie Fox, he goes, listen, bro, it's 5 o'clock, you're about to go in for dinner. You got one plate left. What do you tell you, behold me? Go to the car and turn left.

Go to the car. That's what you're doing. It's the same thing. Sometimes the most fun I have is when I'm walking up to the comedy store and I'm walking up the stairs, and as I hit the stair, I go, this doesn't matter. I'm at Hashways Deli. I grew up at Hashways Deli. And you went, you know, my role that Hashways Deli was to come in, get the roast beef sandwich on the

with mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, lighten the salt and pepper. Let me get a bag of wise potato. When I walk in, they'd be six guys talking about the events in the neighborhood. Did you hear about fucking Sebastian? Did you hear about Lee? And I'd sit there and observe

and eat my fucking sandwich. And after I hate half the sandwich, that's the comedy store. What the fuck are you guys talking? What the fuck are you talking with the Yankees? The Yankees don't have a chance. You bet the Yankees? You're in no danger of winning.

You might as well pay him right now. I'd start an argument at the fucking place. I'd take it back to being at Hatchway. and that's when I have my best sets. In my mind, I'm not even on this fucking thing. I'm not even in front of fucking 300 people. I'm in front of six guys in the deli. I'm spitting food because the lettuce is coming out of my mouth

when I'm telling these guys to suck my dick about basketball, whatever kind of, you know what I'm saying? I try to take it to that minuscule of a situation to get the best out of me, you know? But when you go up on a comedy store stage, do you know or do you, because it looks like you're just literally flying off the car. Tuesday nights I have to, Sebastian.

No, I have to. You have no idea. No idea. You don't even think about it. Yes and no. I can't lie to you. Yes and no. But then I get down there and you say something on stage.

You just gave me the green light. The shit I was worrying about, why would I even worry about it? I'm going to go behind fucking you. You know what I'm saying? And that's what the comedy store is for for me on Tuesday nights. I don't have to stick to that fucking pathetic material. I could go, go up there and talk about the drive. about Priuses and how I hate those motherfuckers doing 40 in the right-hand line.

You know, it's just something that you observed today. Yeah. You know, that's it. That's what I like it. That's what Tuesdays was for us years ago. But now you go to the comedy. So on Tuesday there's 160 people that clapping for you like they know the fuck you are. And you're like, damn it!

I wanted to do the joke about the one-legged hooker from 19. You know what I'm saying? The comedy store has become a place where I can't do, you know, that 1245 spot when we first got there. Oh, God. And you had to follow Paul Moore. only Sebastian. And Sebastian, anybody with common sense,

you're not going to go up there. Something funny happened to me today. After the third joke, you're going to die at 1245. So you don't want, take that set list and rip it up and go up there and work them. Cut the crowd in half, get this side alive.

Once you get them going, cut it in half again. Get this side alive. And then they meet, and now you got them. Now Jeff's on the piano. Maj Gibani, fuck the yums.

You're out there fucking yelling, and now you turn nothing. The comedy store at 1240, That's four years of that, they're not going to stop you. That's why people, they're not going to stop you. Because I've seen adversity. It's been staring at me. They just followed Paul Mooney at 1245.

You were there who we had to follow Eddie, Paul and Andrew. That was three nights a week, dog. And then you had to follow the mediums, Domarera. Domerrera was my killer. Every time I look at the dinup and Domarer was there, God damn it, especially in the main room. And for me, it was him and AJ Jamar. Who was it for you?

Who used to shut your life? out before you got on stage. Oh, God. Well, I mean, it's funny. I used to wait tables at the Four Seasons Hotel. And Eddie Griffin used to literally come in, drink at the Four Seasons Hotel. And then he used to go to the comedy store, do his hour or whatever, and then bring me up not knowing I was his waiter. Like he said, please welcome.

I said, bang. And I'd come up. And at that time, I was such a young community. median. I didn't want to say, I didn't want to say the truth that I just waited on Eddie Griffin at the Four Seasons I'll tell for eight hours, and he don't even know who the hell I am as he's bringing me up. He didn't, he, finally, Dice Clay, I'd have to tell Eddie, do you know that's the guy that's waiting on you? He goes, nah, yeah. And then, uh, and then we kind of had like a little banter back at the Four Seasons where we're used to come in. But yeah, I mean, going, go in there.

I didn't even, I, I would wait. I'd get there at nine. I wasn't even on the list as a fallout. That's sit in the back. And I'd just wait for five hours if I had to to get that last spot. So it was Dice for me when I had to follow Dice. It was because, you know, it was more of a similar look and whatnot. I'm like, oh, man, what am I going to do here? He's going up there.

He's talking about, you know, pussy, cunt, this and that. And what am I going to talk about Ross, dress for less? You know, it's like, where's the transition? here so it took the it took but it made me better you know how surreal was it that you're going up behind dice you know the ideally do you have any fucking ideally no you have any idea I didn't talk to the man for the first year the reason why I'm up on that stage is because halfway house when I got out of prison the halfway house for New Year's they locked this down and I brought the Andrew everybody brought films oh let's watch this and I

brought Andrew Dice Claire that beat everything that was like the full what is it called full house yeah like they had like Batman rules and this and then I was like, huh-huh, Dice Man rules, put it on. And my head almost blew up. So you didn't talk to him for a year? A year until I got to the store, until an argument arose one night.

Between you and him? No, between him and Scott Day. Were you there for Scott Day? Who's Scott Day? Scott Day was the original talent coordinator. And what happened was way before you came in, it was Luca and Marino. I just told this story.

We'll tell us, then we'll do the shots and we'll get you out of here. Luca and Marino, Dice came in one night, and Luca's on Starry. Day just lighting the cigarette with the lighter in his jacket saying he's a hit man for the Gambinos. And then, fucking, I could see Dice in the back on. And then Mike Marino went out.

And he saw Mike Marino. And the next day he called Scott Day. Scott Day was hired by who's the guy in Vegas, the chubby comic that had Louis Anderson. Louis Anderson recommended him. Scott Day was a good guy. Scott Day was a fucking Manalus Cado. He could fucking put him down, dog. He'd give me five spots a week.

bring up a bottle of tequila at one o'clock on a Tuesday you know your spots come out for the week on wednesday and those days just by Wednesday on Wednesday I call it to and there'd be it all day Wednesday Thursday Saturday main room Saturday original room it took care of me and I would stop and get him a bottle of tequila and bring it over there at five o'clock I mean a bottle guys not a pint not a half a pint a bottle and I bring it to him I say thank you scott you put in this fucking draw and by 10 o'clock when I beat up at the store, he was out of it. And he'd be walking guys. None of this shit

are, oh, how you doing? What's up, dog? Let's go get a dress. Scott, what did you do with that bottle? It's gone. Shit. And he was walking. He hated Rogan. Oh, really? He thought Rogan was a book of bully. Really? But one night, Dice called him and said, you're not going fucking fucking home.

We're going to take care of this. You've got two fucking Dice impersonators up there. That's how I became friends with Dice. I was out there was 1130, and he was arguing with Scott Dase, telling him that they gone. Don't make me go over your head. They're gone. You understand me? You can't be up there doing dice. And I stopped and I go, listen, you don't know me, bro. I love you. I do this because of you. They're not doing you. They don't have a voice yet. So they're doing their favorite comic.

When they get a voice, this will all be over. Yeah, but you don't know what you're talking about. Okay. And I walked away. I didn't argue. He called me. He's a man. Three days later, he goes, I thought about what you said Thank you You're right It's a form of flattery Yeah And that's it

We hit it off after that So that's how I knew He was a good guy You know He meant well You went on the road With him for a while I went to two and a half years

Three years almost We went and did Indian casinos We did Vegas Stardust You know Hanging out in the parking lot The comedy story

He came up to me And goes What do you do You know, like, what are you doing this weekend? I said, no, I'm working at the four seasons. Well, how would you like to work Vegas with me? And I go, yeah, let me get off. So we go to the Stardos, Wayne Newton Casame, Wayne Newton Theater at the Stardust Hotel.

What year is this? This is 2003. Wow. So four years in, takes me, you know, and I go up and I'm playing, you know, my parents come out from Chicago. My mother's like, you made it. Shut it down. It's over. Yeah, I play Wade Newton in theater.

She's like, it's over. You did what you had to do. You know? And, yeah, I mean, just performing with him here. You go to, in my head, you're going to Las Vegas with Andrew Dice Clay. And I don't know Dice from nothing. I just know him from the comedy store. He's another guy that it was hard to get to know.

Did you know who Dice was when you left Chicago? Yeah, I grew up on Dice. But I don't know the guy personally. I feel very intimidated. I feel like he might fight me at any minute. It was just one of these guys that I stayed away from. And then Wheels introduced me to him, and we started talking and goofing around. He had a sense of humor about himself.

Invites me to go to Vegas. So I'm thinking, hey, we're going to go party. We're going to go to nightclubs. It's going to be great. So we get to Vegas, and Dice is like, we're going to go do some furniture shopping. I go, what? Yeah, I need some couches. Because he had a place out there.

In Vegas, that's right. We spent the whole weekend looking for furniture. I go, this is nice. I go, let's go to a nightclub. We go, what nightclub? No. I got a house. I ain't doing.

I got a kid. You know, so in my head I was thinking it was going to be this big thing. But here we are. I'm laying on $15,000 couches. And he's going, is that one good? I go, dice, I got a house. I got a chair in my apartment right now. Anything I lay on is going to be fantastic.

So, yeah, we had a good time. He taught me a lot about comedy, a ton about comedy. It's amazing. It's amazing the education you get. Oh, just sitting in the rooms late night after a show. Just don't worry about what other people are doing, he told me. Don't, you're going to get your shot. You can't compare your road to anybody else's.

Somebody gets a TV show great for them. You're going to get it. You don't know what. When it's going to come. You don't know how it's going to come, but it's going to come. So just the only thing you got control of is your stand-up. Keep riding, keep doing your stand-up, and let everything else just go by the wayside. And that's kind of how I did it.

And, you know, you just, but yeah, it was good. It was a good learning experience, especially for a young comedian coming up. And it's nice. See, nice to have a guy like that take someone like me and pull him up with him. You know what I'm saying? And I try to do that, too, with some of the guys that I work with. is give them a shot. I do it too.

You have to. You have to give back. Let me give some shoutouts and we'll close up with something. We'll get the fuck out of here. The glasses are coming out. Yeah, yeah. That's all over. I want to give a shout out to my brothers over a flat rock assembly, you bad motherfuckers

working the third, second, and fourth and fifth shift. They came to the show and gave a shirt to the home of the Mustang. Nice. They made the fucking Mustang. So if you're driving a Mustang, it's made by flat motherfucking rock assembly. You're a bunch of savages. God bless you. Thank you for keeping it fucking together with this American tradition, you bad motherfuckers.

Graham Tifler, Villene J, Anita D for short, Debt Squad motherfucker, MUFC, Alan Bursall, Kevin Mueller, Andrei Silva, and Constantine Rain. I love you guys. Thank you for being family all the time. Yeah, dad was driving, man. And, you know, my influences were Pryor and Dice and Lenny Bruce and, you know, Lenny Clark. And there's so many guys you like, I like Seinfeld on the Rodney Danger Feel Special. And, you know, you think of how lucky we've been that people have reached out and said hello and put us in things. And you're on the Wild West tour.

You can do that with those guys. And you think of how great it's been. And then you think about, like, I was thinking about a person like Joe Rogan, man, how I've learned so much comedy-wise. Like, my traveling. Like, you know, the inclusion that people think that we're on the road party. I was on the road partying as a feature act. As a feature act, I'm not with you. I'm there until 6 in the morning, snort and blow.

We'll eat some chick's ass. We'll take pictures. I'm there with you. But once this, I always knew that I was only going to get one shot at this. I don't want to blow this. I didn't want to blow this. I don't know what a nightclub is, Sebastian. No do I want to know.

When I was doing drugs, I didn't like nightclubs. I can't snort and coke. I want my dick sucked. We going there with bad breath. Hey, what are you doing? No, no, that's not going to work out. It was a different, I've never been a nightclub guy. Although we did see each other at the strip club in Chicago that time.

Did we not? Was it your cousin, your brother? Do you remember I was working riddles, and I went to a strip club with the owner of Riddles, and one of your tribe, your cousin, your brother came up to me. Was it my cousin? Yeah, long time. Oh, my God, that was, no, you worked Riddles. Yeah, you worked Riddles after that.

That was my bread and butter for years. That was a great fucking room. That was, that's, that's comedy. You know what I'm saying? Brad is it Brad? Brad, the son, then they opened up one up. Right, but it was the guy, Ken, Ken was the guy I started with. Oh, maybe it was a different guy.

$1,000 for four shows, but then the son, the nephew took it over. Oh, okay, yeah. And he started bouncing checks. I remember taking a fucking midway flight from Burbank. Oh. On a Friday, it left it like 605. That got you into Chicago at like 10-something. You were at that fucking Chinese place on Harlem.

You know, at 11-0-11-10, you were at a Chinese place in Harlem on the, that's the name of the street, Harlem and Chicago, Haram Avenue, eating fucking shrimp and lompson sauce and this fucking pork-fried rice. Tremendous. They had a direct flight, Lee.

A direct flight from Britain. They had like two of them. That would go right from there in the midway. They cut those out after fucking nine. Motherfuckers. I loved this. When my family first came, they went to Chicago.

My Cuban, my mom and dad, my real dad, went to Chicago. But something happened. Their action was in New York. So they went to New York and they left a lady that were friends with in Chicago and they came back and got it.

But my mom always talked about Chicago. I think she was in Chicago on the Valentine's Day massacre. She always talked about that. Yeah, she was in Chicago. That's how long. Her roots were in Chicago, too, but they ended up in fucking New York City.

So one of the success signs for me was to work Chicago. Like, once you work on the road Chicago, Boston, there's some places you have to work before you have to start talking shit. What? What? I worked Boston last week, bitch. I don't know, you better check you. You better check out my IMD page.

Well, what does it like to play Vegas? Because I know from podcasts, Vegas gets like a lot of shit sometimes from comedians when they have to be there all week. But like Paula went to Vegas, I think a few months ago and they already had billboards up for next week at South Point. Like that must be

Vegas has to be like one of the coolest places to play. Between me and you on paper it is. After the first two times, you're like, like I went into Vegas through Catch a Rising Star. So it was a week at the whatever hotel. But after three days, there's a bunch of kids hitting you with swords. You never planned this in your list of gold sheets.

What's that hotel? Luxor. Catch a Rising Star used to be at the Luxor. It used to be fucking Monday through Sunday. Two shows a fucking night, okay? So by Wednesday, you're already sick to your stomach. You're eating in the employee lounge. You're eating bread that's got teeth marks in it.

You know, like, that's why you've got to rip that bread at the buffet. Rip that motherfucker. Don't ever let that motherfucker that act because don't put it right back in the line with your little pubic hair from your mustache and shit. We were eating that stuff. The first time I worked the ribs, Sheripper was so shitty to me. He was so shitty to me. I worked that Friday, Saturday, up in the roof, the dirty show.

And they give you a card for the employee lounge. But it was like the worst card you could have. Like they wouldn't even give you all the benefits down there. It was like old fucking food, man. Vegas, listen, man, everything, I don't know. I see it differently now. I go on the road to talk to the people from this podcast now and make the connection from social media.

And that keeps me alert. If I didn't have that, I couldn't do the road. I couldn't be one of those guys that goes out every week with no end. This has no end. This is what you're going to do to your 58. Then you have no insurance. I always want it for this to be more. for me. You know what I'm saying? I didn't want to depend on the road

that much. You know, I see the value, but I don't sometimes. I like staying at home. I got shit to do at the fucking house, you know? Oh, there's a life at home. You know, I mean, you've got to live your life. Like what you said, you go out to dinner with the wife, that's what you spend your givis on, some red wine. You just got to live. You have to live your life in order to produce comedy. At least for me, I have to go out there. I have to do things that people do. You can't live and breed this comedy, stand up, and keep working, and this thing. You've got to go on vacation. You've got to do this.

You got to do that to draw material from. And it's healthy. Right? And I like what you said about going out and meeting these people that listen to the cast because, you know, I love the meeting greets. I love them. I love them. A lot of people don't like the meeting. But again, I tell people up front, and I tell them on the stage, listen, do me a favor. If you forgot to put the odor in on, don't hug me. Because then you leave armpit on my arm, and then people hug me later, and they think it's my armpit. Then they leave d'n going, we like Joey Diaz, but he had a little whang to him.

And then you smell that armpit for the second show. You know what I'm saying? You could smell that sweat. So when you come to my shows, I tell everybody they got to bathe. I want everybody to show. It's a pre-wrecked. I don't ask for much. You got to bathe because I love hugging people.

I love, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. But if I hug you and I get that fucking armpit on my arm, I got to go on stage smelling that fucking armpit. It's death. Lee, it's dead. That's terrible. So that's all I fucking asked. Sebastian, the biggest thrill for me going back to the store, I got to be honest,

you Sebastian, was you. It really, listen, when you walk into the comedy store, your game rises. People have no idea. Ha ha-ha's great. The improv is great. The laugh factory is fucking great. They all serve their purpose. Flappers with the Christians.

But when you walk into the comedy store, you walk in the comedy store, you walk in the comedy. into Wrigley Field. To me, and this is in my eyes, this is how I put it now at my age and how long I've been doing comedy. You know how fortunate I am to be 52 and still get spots? I'm there, 1045, time. You know how fucking gratitude I feel?

Because I know I was there for years and I'd see 52-year-old Spanky sitting out there every night. And the other guy that would get Coke from Chewy and complain how Rodney got him out of the business. I didn't want to be that guy. I did not want to be that guy. So for me, every time I walk into the comedy store,

Sebastian, I know I'm in Wrigley. I know, I didn't play baseball. But if I didn't, that's Wrigley. That's Fenway. Fenway. That's Yankee Stadium. Every night, I got a new stadium, I go to. I go to Waterfront Stadium.

I go to three whatever, three rivers in Cincinnati. This is it. This is as good as you ever be. Walking in there, the fear you get. When I walk in there and Sebastian's killing, you get that little fear. That fear, that's it. That's what you want. When I was going to the ha-ha, the clothes, I didn't get that fear.

I didn't get that. You get that little fear. A little twist. Yeah. Fucking Sebastian. Cocksucker. And you walk away, you motherfucker. And then you go up there and you kill because that's the league.

That's your heart. That's everything. Dog, how lucky are we that were still there 15, 16 years later? It's unbelievable. Are you fucking crazy, Lee? So every morning that I get up, you know, I'm thankful. But to see where you were and where you came from Sebastian and where you are today, My God, it's a feather in my cat, bro.

Because I always pull for you. I always thought you were funny. I always thought there was something cooking and that fucking guinea mind of yours. I knew there was something up there. I just didn't know what it wasn't my business. But I always knew that while they were doing, you were one of those guys that they're talking about this

and you're like, yeah, right, good. In your mind, you know, you have that gift you saw it right through the bullshit. You didn't suck nobody's dick. You know what I'm saying? He didn't go upstairs in the green room, and lick somebody's balls. You know, there's people.

How many fucking people did we see coming? Oh, yeah. It's a revolving door, man. And they had stories and management and agencies and writers and Liza Minnelli came to see him, and they're fucking gone today. Gone. And we're still in this game, so you're the one of the,

I really wanted you on the show. I got to tell you, this is one of the happiest days. I went to Jiu-Zitsu. We were having a great time at 12. I told him, I got to leave because I got to take a shout. I got to be clean for Sylv, was on time. Yeah, I had to go home and do the fucking antifungal, the asshole and everything.

Actually, Fred, I had that little bit of fungus on my toenail. Lamassil. It's a medication. It's an oral medication. It cleared it right up. For years, I would go to a pool and not take my shoes off because of this fungus I had on my toenail. I got them on both the big ones and the ones next to them. I went to the doctor and they laser them with a blow torch.

The little black Hindu lady. with a fucking mask on, that's the thing where they fucking laser burn them off. You have no idea. So do they grow back or they just completely, you have no toenail now? No, I got a toenail. I got to cut it every fucking day. Last week, I got an ingrown toenail, so I cut the middle of it, so it grows into the middle. So you're doing your own, like, little surgeries at home with the, with the head?

I cut the toenails at the house. I put the toilet paper down. I put the paper towel. I put the big foot on there. I cut it, and then I scrape it all together, and I throw it away. I don't want my daughter stepping on my It's disgusting Those nails

They're fucking black They're fucking black The toe was fucking black Look at my boy Robu Dubai Reporting direct From fucking Chan's Dragon in My boy went to Jersey

Look at them That's my If you ever any fucking bananas again Make sure you go to Chance Dragon In This is the best restaurant In the fucking country The best

The best Richfield Park in New Jersey Since I'm 16 I'm 52 years Wow Let's see Let's see, just to show you, just to let you know that Uncle Joey ain't no fucking, I ain't know Johnny come lately. My favorite.

It's pictures of your child in Chinese food. That's it. Why? Oh, look at that. That's Rudy. Look at the Gallagher from Ruiz. Oh, that's nice. That's dirty.

I used to walk up there when I was 17, and they'd serve me that with Heineken on tap for 60 cents, Sebastian Manuscaucco. How much? This is here? How much? $28 in L.A. You take it a plate of calamari. And this is with the spicy. They have the sweet, medium, or the hot.

hot sauce or you could put the sweet and the medium together and they put a piece of hard the elbow in the bottom of the sauce and you take the sauce that no no no this is dirty fucking years that's Cuban boliche that's a Greek place this strawberry short look at the egg roll

look at those spare ribs that's chance dragging in look at those spare ribs not one defective one nothing they got those porks in the back I'm telling you that looks delicious I'm starving oh yeah there's no one of fucking love. There's a Puerto Rican join across the street.

On it! For optimal optimization of your body and your fucking mind. You understand me? Why are you bullshit in yourself? You're trying to get in shape. You're trying to be the best you could fucking be. I was stuck at the airport Sunday from 6.45 a.m. I didn't get to Los Angeles till 240 in the fucking morning. Did you know that? The Dallas, the hurricanes fucked the whole country up. And I took that fucking 180 U-turn.

I couldn't fall asleep the first night. It took care of the fucking jet lag, the whole thing. Done, gone. It's Tuesday. I feel like a new fucking man. What is it? On it. On it is a company, a vitamin, a supplement company. What does it do? They have 180s what you take when you fly. And it knocks you out? No, it takes the jet lag away.

Because your vitamins before you fly. You know what, man? You're at the store next week. I'll get some because he's in town. It comes in little boxes and you just rip it and put in your water. Bam! I've saved him. No jet lag. I feel like, listen, bro, you know what it's like to be in an airport from 645 Eastern Time? That's 345, L.A. time, ladies and gentlemen. They almost took me 24 hours to get to fucking Los Angeles. And I went home, and I drank fuck.

I ate two chicken cutlets. I drank some fucking water. I watched TV for like an hour, and I took the thing. And I'll tell you what, I laid in bed. My mind was still going, and I could feel like the jetline. I got up at 9.30 yesterday. I lifted weights. I need that.

You need that. When we fly, you got to take cake. I drink the water. Big problem with jet. leg so yeah the 180 is fucking tremendous man so please go to honor dot com right now and throw in what are you put in the box church church c h u r c h and get 10% off your first order anything you want with them the shroom tech fucking sport again i went to jihitsu today i was rolling around with dave the only reason when i stopped was because i had to come meet him on time if not i would have stayed till

1215 1220 i love this shit it's good for it's a quadrice mushroom and they give you energy not bad you want to jump up and down you want to take the scooter up into the mountains you're sitting there With those rotten fucking underwears for how long, you nasty motherfucker. Meandis.com. The best underwear in the fucking game right now. I wore mine to Jiu-Jitsu today. I told you people what I like about it. Your nuts never fall out of the white part.

You know when you wear those tidy witties, your nut always pops out? I don't like that. I got that one nut exposed. I don't need the aggravation in my life. With the tidy white, with the meandies, it controls them. And they're cotton, it alleviates the sweat. It pulls the sweat from your body, Sebastian. So your nuts stay, magnificent keep.

Perfect. Perfect. Go to Meandis.com right now. They got a great selection of men, and women's underwear, sweatpants, t-shirts. They got it all, motherfuckers. Go to meundies.com right now and get 20% off your first order and free delivery. But you've got to press...

Joey. In the box. J-O-E-Y, cock suckers, right there. Get 20% off from free shipping. And you're sitting there going, Joey, what the fuck? In the U.S. and Canada. And the U.S. and Canada. And it don't stop there, motherfucker.

You know why? Because Nature Box is coming at you. Grattice. Grattis, nutritious, healthy snacks, fucking nutritionist approved, deliver it right to your door. Right there, I'm going to give you three little bags and two big bags. You can mix them up. The cocoa almonds, the fucking French toast. They got, listen, they put new shit out so much.

I'm out of contact what they even got anymore. But all I know is it's nutritious, it's fucking delicious. When you're stoned to the gills and you're eating those little bags, your mind's in the blow. Whatever, it's the figs, the fucking, the plantain chips. Everything they got is good. and I'm giving you a starter box for free. Gratiss. It's like a $30 value on the arm.

The only thing that's going to cost you is for shipping, like two fucking bucks. Not even like $1.90. So go to naturebox.com right now and press in. Joey. Boom! J-O-E-Y, get a free fucking box. Three little bags, two big bags, delivered to your door right now today. You ain't going to come today.

But if you do it today, you'll get about a fucking weekend. And you get next weekend when everybody else is eating potato chips at those barbecues. There you are with Nature Box. like a fucking doctor. You know what it cost you? Ugats. Tell him, Sebastian. Who got?

Nothing, bitches. Zero. Zero. $1.90. Nothing. A dollar 90, cock suckers. And then you're sitting there going, but Joy, what am I going to watch?

If I got vitamins, I got Nature Box, and I got fucking me underwear on. What am I going to watch? Iron Dragon fucking TV, motherfuckers. The ultimate leader and classic martial life films,

okay? All the names. Drop the names on him, Lee. Jackie Chan. Who else? They got the 8-man series. They got the fat. Into the Fat Dragon.

I mean, they got titles you never even heard of. But you're sitting there watching shitty fucking movies. You love classic martial arts. You want to learn kung fu. You want to fly through the fucking air. You want to be hip. What are you sitting there like a mutt for? Go to Iron Dragon TV and press in.

Joey. Boom. And you get two free fucking movies today, this week, starting this weekend. So I'm going to give you on it. You're going to get 10% off. I'm going to give you a me yonies. You're going to get 20% off and free shipping. I'm also throwing nature box on you,

which is fucking gratis like a motherfucker. and Iron Dragon TV.com, two free movies. So if you can't take that, if you can't take a joke, take a shuttle, bitches. I'm always trying to give you cocksuckers love. I want to thank one of the best standups in the game for coming in here today. Thank you for making me. I mean, it's just like you're my nephew. And now I see you, this motherfucker, knocking these cocksuckers out.

Well, thank you for having me on the show. What's your podcast, man? It's Pete and Sebastian Show. Get on Stitcher, iTunes. It's on my website, SebastianLive.com. and you can find my dates there as well. Where are you this weekend? I'm home, and then after that, I am in Las Vegas

at the Venetian Hotel and Resort. When is this? Memorial Day weekend. Me too. Oh, yeah, you're there? We're all there. Everybody. Rogan's Friday night. I'm at the South Point. You're at the Venetian. Who else is there?

Perfect. How many shows you got a night? Two. Just two and one night. So you only got one night? One night? Sunday night. Oh, so you only are Sunday night? Come in Saturday, perform Sunday. I leave Monday.

So if you want to go to the UFC, let me know. Okay. Joe to give you a ticket. What are you, Saturday is you a Thursday? I'm there Friday, Saturday and Sunday, but the UFC is Sunday, Saturday night. Saturday night. So if you get in there early, people get your fucking ticket, man. Sebastian, all the luck in the world.

Thanks, brother. I hope it all works out. Lee, what's up with you, Cuck Sucker? Just going to Vegas with you. You ain't coming. I cut you off. I got your hotel over at the Hotel 6. That's some dead fucking crack hole for $29.95.

Good, you're coming. I'm very happy. And what do you got this weekend? Anything? Just, no, just a couple of pitches from what we talked about last night. You're doing any podcast seminars this weekend yet? Not yet. No, but maybe.

Maybe in Toronto, I just found out. Maybe in Toronto. You better get it together with your little blue shirt on. Let me show you. Show Sebastian the crab. How you've been lifting weights lately. I don't about the crap. Show them the crap.

He makes me do this. Show him the crap. Oh, yeah. There you go. Tight. Tight. Fucking, Molly. I love you guys.

Thank you, Sebastian. At least I had. I love you, Cucson. Thank you. What do you want to end with, buddy? What are we going to end do? Don't tell me the weekend. Because you, how about the fucking almond brothers whipping post?

There you go. Not live, studio. Okay. You should don't want a cookie to take home? You want something for the dog? Maybe the dog's got leukemia. I don't know if this is live or not, but we'll find out. I don't want live.

Well, I don't know. I can't have to do the ads. Boom, boom, boom. Well, let's see. We'll test it. Come on. We've got to have we out. That's it.

Okay. Hit it. Do that. And then we'll put the ads. yeah, it's later. Okay. Go ahead. Hit it. Look at this. Two hours to put the fucking song. I'm trying to get ready to take off for you to. You see I got a lim-word? You see I got a little? Two fucking hours.