The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #285 - Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 26, 2015

Tom Segura, Comedian and Co-Host of the "Your Mom's House" podcast, and Bert Kreischer, Comedian and Host of Trip Flip on Travel Channel whos season premier is June 2nd at 8pm. joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  Saturday Night Special - Lynnyrd Skynyrd I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Looks That Kill - Motley Crue Recorded on 05/25/2015  

The show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use Code Word Church to get 10% off of all the great optimization. Excuse me. It's the Anheiser bullshit that kills you at the end of the day. Yeah. It's those beers that kill you. That new home brew and all that that you drink right away. That's better for you.

Yeah. But that red shit right there, that's what God invented. Those are grapes, cock sucker. Hit it, Lee. All right. You're still at Onet.com using Coord Church to get 10% off all the good optimization products. go to Iron Dragon TV.com and use Cobur Joey

to get two free rentals of all the great martial art movies they have On It Lab videos They're the leader in 4K technology It's Cobur Joey to get two free rentals Go to hitesigs.com And use cobert joey's church And they're running a pick five campaign

So you get five Esigs $50 Use covert Joey's church And And uh... What's that funny? Go to nail the life.com also those gumes gaminos.com

and check out the premier vapor pen on the market for the oil and wax smokers. Use covert Joey Diaz to get 20% off. Good job. That was a great reading. It comes, cock sucker. Drop it on these bastards. Memorial Day for you fucking soldiers. Here you go,

Coxuckers. Marines, Navy's, Air Force. Fucking, who like that? The Marines, Navy, Air Force, the Coast Guard, the Army. We love you, Coxuckers. on the church. Put that out loud, Lee. I'm going to break that fucking mix. Kick it, Lee.

Oh, louder in my house. Lee, what are my death? Yeah, seriously. Lee, loud. There we go. That type of party, people. Like a black cat, dude. Nobody drops it by time.

I like it when it goes double time in a second. Crank it up, Lee, where are you going? Here we go, here we go. This reminds me again in the Camaro, driving through the woods of Florida. Like you just smacked a woman. Yep. You're just about to fucking take over.

I just got jeans on and moccasins, no shirt. Hair flying through. I'm like, hey man, pass me a butt. Sure thing, me, man. Oh, shit. The church's coming at you. Real is going to be. Cox up.

There's a Jacksonville man right here. There you go. That's the story, you bad motherfuckers. Happy Memorial Day, late night. Podcast with Felice Ayat, the Flying Jew, Bert Kreischer and my main man, Tom Segorah, don't ask how this came together. It just came together. That's the way it's supposed to happen very generically.

What's happening, gentlemen? Chilling dog. What's going on in your world, man? I'm doing better now that I'm with you because I went on the fucking stairs and hung out on the stairwell with you. We did the beautiful periscope. I love Periscope.

Fucking the future. How many 80s have you had today? None. I'm not eating any gummies. You got to eat half of this with the wine that goes fucking perfecto. He's four or five deep. Are he serious? Yeah.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to eat half of this three quarters of a week. You know I went to Joey's store with. Joey, I'm not eating it, buddy. No. Joey, Joey, Joey, no. I'm saying? Get loose.

Get loose. Guys, triple bears on travel channel two a second. If you don't eat, we'll have to eat it. Lee. Lee. Lee. I've only had one and a half. Who is the fucking family?

walk on one leg. Who walks around with a leg and a half? Nobody. Come on, flying two. There it is. Give it. Give it. Give it. Here you go. We'll split it. We didn't split any of it. Fucking guy. A great time in Las Vegas last weekend. If you came to the South Point, the scene, I want to thank you from the bottom of my eye.

That was an easy weekend. Fucking great time. What I was telling you was that in 1983, I was walking past the window one day. I was doing laundry on the Lord's Day. I'm in my own fucking business. Not bomb. Just doing laundry.

Football was on. I wasn't in the mood. I was living in Snowmass Village and I was in Creekside apartments and I'm walking. I look at this window as I'm walking by and the window's open but there's a screen in front of it but the door's right there.

All I have to do is stick my hand. Rip the screen on. Stick my hand. I got this fucking fool's paradise. I knew the guy. I saw him early up at the fucking bar up at the Mexican place. I knew there was some type of drugs in this house. Yeah.

So I stuck my hand in there, went in, I got a chunk of hash, I got some jewelry. I got like 1,500 in the rubber band, and I got like a couple grams of blow, you know, loose blow, gram here, an eight-bolt here, scattered. Miscellaneous blow. Miscellaneous blow, and I put it together. And I ran out and I went home, and I buried the $15,000. And I took the jewelry, and I put it in one little state. My buddy was a property manager.

those days for some property management company and I went to condos that were under construction and I would put all the stolen loot in the safes and we'd have the combination that's the only way I got away with all that shit so they came to my house there was nothing in my house the blow I kept that was going down

and the hash I had a little spot under the closet where I ripped up the carpet and with a knife I picked up the wood it was like my little I always since I was a kid I was always one of those creepy dudes that wanted to be James Bond Yeah, yeah. I love picking up floorboards, yeah.

I love picking up floor boards and digging it out. I love all that crazy shit. To me, that was the easiest heist of my life, December 18th, 1983. I remember I called my buddy to say, hey, I'm sending you a package tomorrow, look out for a chunk of half, some jewelry, move to jewelry and we'll split it 50-50. It was like a ton of jewelry. And he goes, it's my birthday. I go, okay, and I made a mental notes, and I read the mental notes, and I read December 18th.

I call him on his birthday because of that robbery. My point My point is Vegas was easier Than that's That's how much of a good time I had in Vegas What?

Did you say you bury it in the ground? You buried money? No, there was a closet That people in the building Could put their skis and shit And you had to have a couple keys for it And I went in there

And I fucking dug something out In the corner, you couldn't see it Unless you were professional There was no way you could see it And I put it in there That's where I kept the 15 grand until I went back to Jersey in 84. Now, is this about the same time you went to Miami? Oh, we were talking about Miami before.

I was talking about, you know, like you're given this illusion when you're 19, 20, that there's stuff going on. There's always stuff going on. You know, oh, my God, it sucks here. Yeah. I heard that. Where's the party at? The parties in Texas. I heard my friend went.

He said that he made out with eight chicks and he got six blow jobs and chicks were topless. Your head almost explodes, and that's a fucking bullshit story. Yeah. But in your mind, then you see the Budweiser commercials and they're partying. Well, it wasn't as crazy as it is now. Like the commercials, when I was, the craziest commercials were Rodney. You know, remember those commercials from Miller Light? Those were fucking classic.

But it wasn't, you had this illusion that you were going to go out. So I grew up in New York City. So when I was like 20, my friend said, hey, man, my buddies are bartending in Studio 54. My head almost exploded. He goes, I'd get you in time. I go, let's go. You know, it was like 80 fucking two. The party was over then.

But to just go in there. And I went in there expecting to see, like, people giving blow jobs. No, it wasn't like that. It was just people being free. So my friend said to me at one point, you want to get high? Yeah, let's go into the woman's bathroom. And you were a man. And here you were in the woman's bathroom because it was like the main room.

You ever go to the back of the main room at the comedy store, they have those boots with mirrors with those big bulbs around them. At Studio 54, they had 50 of those in a row. Really? So people would go in there with that cocktail, smoke, and do Coke, where the women are supposed to be going to make up on. They weren't actually in the back in the room where women were pissing. They would sit there.

You follow me? Yeah. When you went to tables, people were doing blow. But I went there like three times, and I thought that that was it. That was the perfect fucking club. Even though I didn't get my dick sucked, even though nobody talked to me,

I didn't get one woman to talk to me. I didn't dance with anybody. Like, that was the thing. the utopia, you know, that was it. But I always thought like, oh my God, I'm going to Colorado. When I went to Colorado, that was the worst nightlife in the fucking world. Really? And I got to tell you something, when I went to all these cities,

like, compared to what I grew up with, nothing is fucking, I had never seen anything. You know, I don't want to go see a fucking cover band at a bar. I'm too old guy. I'm not going to sit there and listen to brown sugar. That's not happening in my fucking world. But there was one place I went to 1984. That was crazy.

And it was coconut growth. of Florida where the improv is today. It's gone. When cocaine was huge, that place was something I'd never seen before. Really? I went to visit my family,

and my cousin said, we're going out. We went to like the pink parrot, one of those days. And that was where I saw fucking, if 400 people were in there, everybody was on blow.

Like, everybody was on blow. Everybody wanted to be on Miami Vice. It was right after Starvation. It was right after. dressed like it and shit, right? Listen, brother, in between Scarface and Miami Vice, you have no idea what was happening. Really? You just have no idea.

I was in Florida. I remember, I remember, I remember, I don't remember Scarface coming out, but I do remember Miami Vice. I remember, like, Ron Bennington was a big, I mean, he was a big deal around that time in Florida. Ronnie B. Ronnie B. was a DJ in Tampa. Who's Ron Bennington? He does, Ron and Fez radio show.

Okay. Yeah. He's tremendous. You'd love it. Joey, you love him. I know them. Yeah, yeah. Where are they now?

They're in New York. Ron is in, Ron Bennington's in New York. Ron Perez is, I think, in Tampa, Miami. Can you turn the bass down in my voice? Sounds a little tinny. Bring that beep back. You son of a bitch. But, yeah, Ronnie B.

Like those big cigarette boats and, like, cut off shirts like Hulk Hogan used to wear. Florida's maniacs, dude. It's a crazy state. It's a really crazy state. And it's one of the, like, it's like Nevada in the sense that, Like, if you fuck off, I want to be like, fuck off society, I'm kind of like, I do shit on the, I, I bend a lot of rules. I'm kind of a fucking asshole. Like, it's a great state to thriving, you know?

Like, there's so many, the most scumbags I've ever met in my life was living in Florida. Really? Yeah, for sure. So many fucking scumbags. A lot of racists. A lot of racism. A lot of everything. Yeah, a lot of everything.

There's a lot of everything. It's a big, it's a big, high population. It's a pirate state. It's been fucking getting mauled on since God knows when. Yeah. You know, you know Columbus was down there. I mean, it's just... Jesus was down there.

Everybody's been down there. No state income tax. Jackie Gleason was down there. It's just one of those places. And for me, and I'm not saying this in a negative way, anything above, like, West Palm Beach, I don't click. To me, it's very... Yeah.

It's very more little... It's in between Southern and something else. I went to Jacksonville. They didn't dig me. I went to that Mandarin in one time. all the seafood you can eat Friday night Oh it's still good old boy Like a Hokala

Yeah Ocala I've never really been to That's not your world Tampa I don't do good in Tampa You know You really? I was surprised about that

A lot of Cubans in Tampa Great fucking city Great food Just sensational food Just a great blend of food A lot of New Yorkers with flavor A lot of Cuban food A lot of Latin fucking good cheeseburgers

But I I think, like, the only city, I'm going to tell you something, guys. There's only been two cities in my life where I thought I was going to die. I came close to dying. One is Florida, Miami. Yeah. And the other one, I think, is Houston, Texas one night. That's a savage city, too.

That's a real motherfucking city. Houston, Texas, before or after the hurricane. After Katrina, Houston got real fucking wild. Yeah, it got crazy. It got real crazy. What was Katrina? 2005, I think, right? No, this is 2003.

2002. I was going crazy on my own down. Yeah. It was a great club. That last stop. Oh, I used to love the last stop. I went there after it changed over. No, I went there after. Pete. Pete was a great guy. I loved Pete. Pete had his little fucking problem. I love Pete. Pete just came to see me in Houston. Are you serious? I'm still tight with Pete. I'll talk to Pete once every 16 days. By the way,

Danny Merck died. Who? Yeah, Dan Murr died. Old Tempey improv? Old Tempey Impro. Really? What a fucking shame, yeah. How'd he die? You know, I haven't heard. No, nobody set to home. And you know where? Chicago.

It wasn't good, guys. He called me about a year and a half ago for a reference to try to get a manager's job at the Chicago Laugh Factory. That's the last time. He said he was living with his brother. He took the money the club gave him. They robbed him. He lost his condo. Fuck, man.

It was like fucking A to Z. It was like a... God. He fucking did a lot of creepy things down there, man. Rest in peace, you know. He was good to me. A lot of creepy things It wasn't good

Rest of peace Yeah, he was a creepy fuck He was living with his brother He said that at the memorial service I would die He did a lot of creepy things Rest in peace He's a real piece of shit

Rest in peace I never could tell if his hair was his Rest in peace Doc, don't Trevor You ever got that funeral And the guy's talking Like they give a memorial In the back of you hear you're like

This is such a bullshit Last time I saw this guy Was doing blow Oh, I'll strip his ankle. Had this kid, he's a loving father. Sure. You should have seen him that night. I'm like, you loved this kid.

When he had his tongue up that fucking yams fucking asshole with Coke on and smell. All those loving fathers, they always are the dirtiest motherfuckers in the world. Dirtiest motherfuckers in the world. I went into the 10 p.m. probably one time, and Gary Valentine, and a bunch of comics told me you got a party with Dan Murr. And I was like, okay. So I get there.

I was when we used to tour with what's the name. Yeah. We get there and we sit down. And I tell you, Dan, I'm not drinking tonight, but I want to get down on a party with you. And he's like, yeah. I was like, Gary and Kevin James, all these guys said you're really fun to party with you. He goes, don't worry, it'll happen. I was like, yeah.

It's like Friday night, Thursday night, Friday night. He's like, I'm not going to be able to do it tonight. We'll do it tomorrow night. So Saturday comes. I'm kind of like, I'm not that I don't want to party with him, but I just don't. I don't really care to. I just said what I was supposed to say to be cool. out on it and he he he don't see him i leave i'm like thank god i gotta do one sunday show and i'm just

gonna drive home sunday night he corners me in the green room oh yeah he's like uh that's tonight tonight's your night bro and i was like okay so i was like all right so i was like all my shit back in the condo parked the car and i was like i'm going out partying with dan and we just went to that shooters right down the street just went there and he just sat down to the bar and he just looked at me he goes so what do you think i was like what he's like this is it man this is like you're partying with me and i was like oh fuck what Yeah, it was weird. How long did you guys get really fucked up or no?

No, we just had enough drinks where I couldn't drive back to L.A. And then he was just called in a night. And I was like, oh, fuck. So that was the last time I really, he was, it's interesting to me how many people you put all your eggs in that basket sometimes in this business with like a club owner or a manager. And you're like, all right, I got this place. And you're just cool shit. And then all of a sudden one day they're gone. And you're like, I got blind drunk with, what's the old, the guy that was running huge?

Houston Improv? The, okay, Giki, la la, la. That guy? No, not, not a tray. No, the creepy guy. The creepy guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's a creepy fuck. No, yeah, he's a creepy fuck. They sent him to Arlington. He's the rapist. He's the tree jump. Oh, jeez. I wasn't saying anything. Yeah, yeah.

They put him in, they put him in Arlington. But I'm not mad. You know, Dan Mur was a fucking dirty coke. No. Like a filthy Coke fan. And he... He would get so coked up that you'd think he had a stroke.

His lip would turn, like his lip would just go off with it. So one night, everybody for years, one night when I had the really bad sleep apnea, and I really wasn't sleeping, and I didn't know what, I didn't know what, God, God, yeah. I didn't know what the sleep apnea, the effects were yet. I passed out one night really hard,

and also I wake up to the door banging, and it's Joe Rogan pre-Marijuana when he was fucking miserable. I always say he was an ape. You ever see the evolution of an ape? That's when he was an ape. If you didn't know Joe pre-marijuana, it wasn't. It wasn't.

It was like spurts. There was something missing. Thank God Eddie talked him into that. Because you didn't know why. He was anti-drug. Yeah? Anti-fucking drug. You know, if Bert came over and the next day he called me,

you know, Bert Christ, you had like 16 fucking beers. He's got a bad problem, you know. And he would just say that. I remember we went to see Doug Stannell. That's how it started. And he's like, fucking Doug is funny, but somebody's got to talk to him about his alcoholism. Like, I'm like, Joe, nobody says things like that. Like, nobody.

I go, why would you say that? He goes, why would I say that? He had 11 beers and four shots of tequila on stage. That's how uptight Joe Rogan used to be. Because I don't even recognize that guy. No, no. He gave me, Ricky Cruz, and Ralphie Mae shit for smoking pot at the comedy store one night. Really?

That's how twisted he was. was then anti. He was very by the book. You know, what's his name? He just died from drugs. The guy on Saturday nights live, his buddy on news radio and all that. Oh, full heart.

So he was very... He got shot, though. Right. Something had happened with Joe that he was very, and he would not discuss cocaine with me at that time. Like, he wouldn't tell. Like, I wouldn't ever, ever be high in front of him.

And one night, we all said good night. And I went back to my room, and I started watching TV. And I just passed out. And I heard boom, boom, boom, boom. It's Joe Rogan with the security. Joey, open up the door. You all right?

What the fuck? We were supposed to be downstairs at 8.30. Now we missed our fucking flight and all this shit. I'm like, hold on. And he's looking around my room. And I'm like, no, dog. I was to bed last night. And the whole way there, him and Chris McGuire, yeah.

I'm like, I know he was with Danny Merlin. Chris McGuire. I know Chris McGuire. That's when we used Chris McGuire and me used to open for Joe. I remember Chris McGuire. And then we get to the airport. It's a headwriter for all the roosts. All those roasts.

Then we get to the fucking airport and the flight's delayed four hours. So all that yelling and screaming was for no fucking reason. I even told him. I go, see, the flight's fucking delayed. Who gives a fuck? But he always thought I was a Danny Mern. I'll tell you guys right now, I never did a line of blow with Danny Merva. This is what I did to do, Danny Murn one night.

I knew what Danny Murt did, and Danny Murt knew what I did, okay? There's people that you have relationships like that. Yeah. That, like, let's say Lee is a Coke dealer. Yeah. Lee knows that Lee knows that you and Burrard. of friends, I know that Bert goes to Lee, and Bert knows that I go to Lee. We just don't say it to one another.

But there's times that we'll be talking out. Even though me and Bert aren't friends, I'll see Bert, and I go, you see Lee tonight? And he'll go, no, no, I saw him last night. So it's our little secret, but off the books. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So I always knew that he got high and he knew I got high. We never really did anything.

But one night he calls me up, and he goes, hey man, I got two tickets for the Stones at the Hollywood Bowl. he goes you want to go I'm 400 fucking pounds I'm smoking two packs three packs of camel lights a day and I'm doing a gram and a half a blow at this time

Jesus Christ I'm living on Shreda I'm a fucking mess externally internally so I meet him and no compadre and I buy two 20s I buy like 1020s because I know him

and I know me and when he gave me my ticket, I shook his hand, and I put three 20s in his hand. And he took him, put in his pocket, he never told me, thank you. That's old school. Yeah. There's nothing to discuss. You don't know nothing.

I don't know none. That's the only drug exchange I have with him. He bought it, he paid a limo. We took a limo from Elkhadre to the fucking thing. We got out of that car. My heart, my fat little hearts beaten from the blow and the cigarettes. You ever walk up that Hollywood Bowl? Yes.

You ever want to rip the tickets up and punch the person in the face who has a lot of it? The idea is to go there. It's all uphill. It's all uphill from Highland and Franklin. Oh, my God. By the time you get to the top, you want to shoot yourself. Yeah. So we walk in, the seats were just, I can see the sweat on Mick Jagger.

You know, Danny Merton fucked around. Yeah. That's one thing. That dude swung hard. He had tickets from fucking, you know, Letterman's assistant. Like, that's who got him those tickets. Like somebody big's assistant. You could see Mick Jagger's sweat.

But the problem was the Coke. made me want to smoke cigarettes in those days. You couldn't smoke in there? I couldn't smoke in there. So after one time, I went up there, and by the time I got up, I was huffed and puffed. I almost had a heart in that. I smoked three cigarettes.

My blood pressure is 200. I went right back down. After three or four more songs, I do another couple blasts. I walk back up to the top. Again, three cigarettes, I walked back down. Finally, I'm down, and I go, fuck, now I got to pee.

I walk all the way back up there. I pee, and I go, you know what? I'm not walking back down. just left. I walked right to my apartment and got the fucking rest of that eight ball and blast it off like a soldier. He kept calling me, where you had? Fuck you. I didn't even answer the phone. I think I had a pageer

back then. I still had the page it. Fuck you. I didn't even answer the phone. I didn't have a phone. I had a pageer. It's got to be a heart attack, right? What's that? Dammer's heart attack? I don't know. He died of a broken heart, bro. Some people die of broken hearts. Last time I talked to him,

it's got to be hard to take that tumble. because from going to run one of the more popular clubs in the country where everyone wants to work to getting run out. I guess Mark Anderson killed himself and then that kind of felt everything fell apart from there with that club?

That guy Howard wanted Dan out. Dan was a fucking, Dan had lost himself. Dan really, Dan lost himself and he wanted to be Hartman. He wanted to be Hartman. He wanted to compete with Hartman. Phil Hartman? No, Hartman.

Robert Hartman? Your manager. I'm like, wait. He wanted to run. He wanted to hang out with celebrities. He wanted to. Yeah, he loved that. You know, he loved that.

You know, he would say, oh, you know, was that my club this week on Spade and Sandler and Chris Ross, you know, he loved saying those words. He loved going to let him in because the fucking guy that got fired for saying chicks made funny. Eddie Brill. He used to, that's the only last club that would hire him because that. That was Danny Merr's only way to get on to Letterman. Oh, yeah.

So Brill would get him letterment tickets and take him out to dinner, and then he'd headline him for 10 G's. You know how that goes? It's fucking amazing how this life works. But he started losing his mind, and he started believing the hype that he was a great club owner. He got a magazine done with his picture. Yeah, he had that framed and everything.

In the club. In the club. Wait, a fake magazine article? Like a magazine that three college kids put the... together with that. But it's like a cover shot. He got into the mall, but he was in a Confederate uniform. It was one of those ones you get, put your name on.

He really believed the hype. He really wanted to be a player. I knew he had invested off record in a lot of comics CDs. Like, he would go to comics and say, put my name on your CD. I'll give you 10 grand. Horrible taste in comedy. As a producer, yeah. He gave me a lot of notes through the day.

And who the fuck was he at the end of the day? Like, who the fuck was like, that's what happened to him? He went from being a club manager To be in, I know everything about comedy Look at my club You're good, but Stop giving advice Stop telling people they can't drink on stage

Yeah, that was the dumbest fucking law ever Stop not getting blow jobs up in the green room If you got your dick sucked in the green room He'd go to your own And Joe, you know, he was a crime He was like a double agent Yeah And then he'd come and hang out

And then he wanted to party with Where's Joe Rogan? Where's Joe? Where's Joe? And then he'd sit by Joe and he'd be coked up And I could see the steam And Joe's fucking evil. is getting harder and hotter. Every time he tried to say something,

his jaw would be going. You know, it was just fucking embassad. You know, at that time, listen, bro, I don't know how you guys feel. Let me just tell you guys something. This is how I felt for, I'm 52. This is how I felt for 27 years. I think when I was 25, one day I said,

I feel creepy going out. Yeah. Like, I'd see, like, college kids, and I go, you know, you feel like that guy that flunk college and still hanging out, Like, Shut up. Yeah,

Like, this fucking is a moment. But he made a little, you know, he was in his 20s. He was in his 20s. You feel like that 30 year old that's lurking. It's like when I go to the weed store.

And I see the guy with Lentzkinnit shirt with the ponytail, man. He's 55. Man, and you're like sitting there going, really? Isn't that fucking a jitney bust you should be on or some shit? Like, oh, you know,

there's an end to this trying to be cool shit. There's an end to it at some point. I flew on a thing until they were a 60-year-old that was tatted up and steroid it up. You're fucking 60 guy. Then Tabuti had a wig. Oh, the wigs are the saddest on the guy. The wigs, it's 2015. You're still pushing a wig.

Shave your head like every other fucking joke. And put like a crucifix on your head or something. What are you, like 45? He's 26 years old. Why are you breaking his book? 26 and what? Doggiers? He's in place 26 years old.

They lost his birth certificate in Israel. He's like the Cubans. They lose every. Bursa to. That's why you see a cure Salu. Look, I ain't lying. Look how high are you? Well, I've had like 300 milligrams. When I met Lee, he was 24,

four years old, 23, and he never did an edible. Look at him now. Wow. He's running the boards. Saloo again. Bless you. Age 20 years. You have. But that, that. Eat that. That week in Florida to me was the last, and I thought

the rest of the country was like that. I was in, it was the summer of 84 and I was just about to start getting bad with the blow. Like it was around. Yeah. And I was dating this chick that had tremendous pussy. I was in love with her. I would steal her panties and jerk off and I wasn't with her.

Oh my God. She was fucking tremendous and she sucked dick and we get coked up together. And we'd 69 in the hotel room. It was on Fridays and Saturdays. And we used to drink Harvey's Bristol cream. Anybody remember Harvey's Bristol cream? It was like a fucking strong Irish. What's that shit, Baileys?

It was like a 90-proof Baileys that fucked you up. And it took a broad from point A to point Z with a half a biscuit and a couple lines. And me and that chick would get, like, I'd save money the whole week, get like three quailudes, get two bottles of Harvey's Bristol creams, a bag of ice cubes. I get a hotel room in Seaside Heights in the wintertime for like $10. And I take it down and I'd add it on a set and I'd coke her up and fucking eat. eat her ass and we'd 69 and she'd stop and do a line of coke

and clean her nose and suck that fucking pipe again. Those are the days dog. Those are the fucking days when you're 20 years. What is Triplift premiere? June 2nd on Travel Channel APM double premiere episode. That's the show you want. That's the trip tank you want. Like the show that you go and see the underground.

People shooting heroin. People snort and blow. Somebody go D. Did that on Triplipf? June 2. No. That's what people want to see. No. The entire screen will be blurred. Look at this over here. Look at this over here.

Eating the biggest sandwich in Texas. I want to see what the party's crackle-lacking in the Texas. I want to see Bert all coked up doing bumps out of the club, taking an ear beating from a chick with bad breath at the bathroom. And she's like, if you come to my place, Bert's like, okay. And the camera has to follow you. Guys, cut the...

You don't fuck that. Then you go back to a house, and she's shooting heroin on. She starts all... She starts to... She starts to... OD, but you got to crack a nut from the heroin and you put your dick in the mouth and then she ODs and you

and the camera crew leave. On the way down the stairs, you bump into another party. That's the fucking show right there. Nobody wants to see at a restaurant going on a rollercoaster. Who gives a fuck? You're in a talk. June 2nd. I've ever heard of that.

That is, listen. So I'm at a restaurant for a price show. It's August of 84. I am a psychological wound. Yeah. I was just starting to digest it. My mother had died. When you ever lost that strong.

Yeah. I was in high school. I went to school the next day. I may believe she was still alive in my head not to deal with it. And finally, after four years, I had to deal with it. And I'm in a restaurant eating. And all of a sudden this guy comes up to me and he goes, hey, aren't you DeNaro's son? He goes, fucking Muneco is looking for you.

Muneco was this friend of the families. I had one eye that went that way. But when he took four years... When he do coke, the eye would ravele. But he was fucking... I did something for him as a kid one time. He had two sons, and we all got along. And I did some...

I did some from as a kid one time. He's got on a T-shirt. Look at me. And my... I had two sons. We all got along. Yeah, we all got along, right? So what the fuck?

We all got along. What do you think? What do you think they were this rare? He was a tail. You were like a pear tail Oh my god We got to have two sounds I gotta sell the story

What do you want to do You think I'm gonna give it to him cold So wait So Muneco's looking for you My mother died in 79 Yeah He came to the wake and shit But throughout the years

We lost contact with each other Mniko was a big time drug dealer In 80 About the time they killed This is a fucked up story That I'm thinking about right now Before my mom died

My mom woke me up like a year before she died and goes, Hey man, I got to talk to you about something. She goes, you know, you can't go to the son? Because he had one son, then he had twins. She goes, they killed one of the twins. What? I'm like, what are you talking about? She goes, some chick and him and OD, the kid always was troubled.

He OD'd in Fort Lee and some of the house. So, uh... Jesus. I'm like, that's really sad. You know, what are we going to do? I think we went to the funeral and whatever. And we came home. When we got home, she came to me, my mom.

and she's like, he wants to talk to you about something. Like, okay, and I'm in the eighth grade, seventh grade, but my best friend was that guy right there, Carmine the torch palazette. Whoa. Which one? That guy. The football coach.

Oh, yeah? He went no fucking football coach. What is it look like? Isn't it football? No. Okay. He's reading the paper to a bunch of guys. He was a cop that turned a fucking and had a strip glove and burnt it down.

He was tremendous. But he knew people. So this Migneko guy Do you think you get pulled out of a lineup? Which one do you think it was? No, he was Derek or Carmen the torch that burnt down? My mom, Muneko took me to lunch or something. He goes, listen, I need a big favor.

I need for you to go to your mafia buddy and get to the bottom of who killed my son. I guess he was doing heroin. They gave him a bad dose. I want to know who the chick was. And I was like a shot. I couldn't go to Carmine and ask him because I always thought that Carmine didn't know

what went out in my house. I kept my house and Carmine completely different. I used to hang out at Carmine's house with his kids, and he was like a big-time cop. And my mom would always say, bust his balls, get information from him. And all those are you going to go, Ma, are you fucking crazy?

I'm not going to ask him about numbers and shit. That's my fucking getaway from you fucking crazy spick motherfuckers. That was my refuge. And all that shit went down. And one day, Carmine calls me, and he goes, hey, Coco, do me a favor. Come over to the house real quick.

And I flew to his house, and when I got to his house, he goes, run back to the house and tell your fucking mother to clean the house. to clean the house fucking right now and I ran back and as I'm running

I can see the cop car is coming so Carmine knew what was going on in my house the whole time so my mother dies I lose contact with Muneco I don't see Muneco until 84

I'm at a restaurant a Cuban restaurant this guy approaches me says Muneco wants to see you I call him when I call him he meets me at the airport I go down there

but I'm going down there my nose wide open I'm going down there for a handout guys I'm not going down there because I want to see him. I'm going down there with a sob and a story, how I got robbed, and my mother's husband didn't give me anything.

I'm just looking for a hand out, which I'm going to snort the whole fucking thing anyway. Yeah. So I stay at his house the first night. It's real cool. Second night I stay this house, and I asked him a question about another guy I knew in Miami that I had grown up with that went to prison,

and he couldn't come to my mom's wake. And he goes, he's out. We'll call him right now. And I broke down. That was like my fucking un-on-paper uncle-grand. growing up. Yeah. So he goes, I'll drive you over it in a couple days. So right there, I go, listen, man, I'm going to buy him. I need some help. Buenica goes, why don't you ask me? I'll give you what you want. He goes, hold on. He goes, take a ride. We go to his furniture store. He goes, in the back of his furniture store, and he starts giving me these little, you know when you give somebody a pendant from like Zales, those little boxes? He goes, open it up. I open it up. It's like a cheap pendant, but he goes, take the back. It was an ounce of Coke, flattened out already. And he goes, I'll give you like 10 of them on the arm. Just bring me back 900 a piece.

I was like, are you fucking serious? I go, how do I bring him across? He goes, it's a piece of cake. Just put them in your luggage. They'll get right through Miami International Airport. I had nothing to lose. So before that, he goes, spend the night at my house, and I'll take you to the other guy's house.

I go, all right. So this night he goes, come out to the bungalow. So we're out in the bungalow. We're watching TV. He disappears for like an hour. He comes back with this fucking tub, a margin tub with water in it. Yeah.

and a dish with cocaine on it. And he's like, you want to bump. But the hand I was playing, I couldn't do coke in front of him. Do you understand me? I was playing the hand of a dealer that was broke, and I could move Coke in New York. I don't even do that shit. I hate that shit.

Because if you do it in front of him all of a sudden. Boom, you follow me? He could tell him bullshit in him. So I was straight. So I'm watching this guy doing bumps, and he's doing bumps, and he's having a good time. Also, he just freezes, and he starts locking the doors. All right?

He starts locking the doors, guys. And he had like, you know, when you go to Miami, everybody's windows are bolted up and shit. He had all that shit. He turned alarms on. And he would fucking walk around the house and look at all the fucking cameras. And he disappeared for 10 minutes.

And he came back with Haynes underwear on white ones with a gun strapped on the Haynes underwear with the margin tub. The reason why he had the margin tub is the cops came, he was going to flip the dish in the water. That was his mentality. That's how deep he was. I wasn't.

that deep into paranoia yet into the cocaine. I got like that 10 years later. I still was in the thing with cocaine and snorting. What would you do? Say you dipped it into the water. You could evaporate the water and get the water. I have no idea. You could flip it on the carpet. I have no idea. I used to get high with another guy

that used to tie a string around his wrist and tie it to the doorknob. So if somebody was opening up the doorknob, that's where cocaine takes you. We used to do that. When I was I hate to talk like this. After we robbed the train in Russia,

those two guys said that's how you sleep when you're on the train. So the whole time we went through the train in Europe, me and my friends, I would tie the door to my wrist. So if the door opened, it would pull my arm and wake me up. We did that the entire time.

And then I always had a string with me. It was the one way, because that's how they rob a train and say open the door slightly and then just crawl in and start pulling shit out. Pull your arm up. As soon as they open the door, your arm goes up and you're fucking wide awake. Well, that's crazy shit.

So this guy was so apparently he lived on the 34th floor. He used to tie parachutes on his bags of cocaine. So if the cops came and he threw him out the window off the balcony, this is where it tastes your mind. But anyway, that's a complete different story.

Here I am with the 60-year-old Cuban, with under-air-iron, nothing else, and a gun. Right? And he's walking around, and he's doing coke, and now he starts crawling, and he's running into a room, He's doing blowing. I'm sitting there watching TV and I never forget the song that was on.

You know what the hot song was that week? Checker Khan. Checker Khan. Checker Khan. Checker Khan. Let me record. Check a con. And I heard that.

I heard that song over and over. I stayed with him for four hours while he's doing the best blow in Miami. And I'm sitting there like a fucking priest drinking fucking soda. Really eating sandwiches. And I'm dying inside. I'm dying to do this blow. And in the middle of all this, I hear, the gun goes off.

and he shoots himself in the foot and I'm like about the faint from anxiety and debt and his kid comes in and his wife and they're like what happened I'm like he shot himself he shot him to him like that's the third time in two years look at this fucking foot

he shot himself in the ankle it was fucking crazy and the cops came they already knew oh what'd you do when you echo you shot yourself again Jesus Christ when are you going to stop doing that shit they fucking took it it was like another day in Miami and I'm like oh my God. Now I don't have a ride.

Now I got to take a fucking $80 cab ride. There goes my fucking coat. Hey Joey, Joey, will you walk me through your weight gain and weight loss through the years? So, like, when did you start gaining weight? The weight gain started 1995 in Seattle.

That's when you started gaining weight. When I left Boulder, I was about 2.30. Really? Shoulders. I swam every day. I rode a bicycle around town. When I got divorced, I was a big North Boulder Red guy. Big.

Fins to swim. Goggles. Really? Three, four times a week. Master's swimming program. I loved it. So then, and then when you went to Seattle, that's when you're with Josh Wolf and Brody.

No weights. No weights. Car. No walking anymore. In bold, I didn't have the phones. I have to walk to the paint phone. When you text me, you know, the walking disappears. It's amazing when the walking disappears.

When I was an open mic or in New York, I was Slim Jim Magoo When you're eating And you're eating the slides You're getting the meatball hero in Harlem Because you're walking Your movement And it's all uphill

Do you remember what you used to call Remember when I lost all that weight And I was walking around everywhere I wouldn't I just walk to meet you Remember you used to call the DUI diet He didn't drive dog Why'd you walk? And I go

I was just trying to lose weight What do you want to do Do you get DY Is this the DIY diet? There's different diets for people And listen When you take walking out of your fucking Ptois

You want to lose weight? Walk from fucking Studio City to Hollywood two times a week. I almost walked here tonight and then I was like, fuck that. Oh, that's a hike. That's a hike. So then when you went to Seattle, what did you? When I went to Seattle in the beginning, I started gaining weight, I started fucking and sucking the stripper. Once you start eating pussy is when you go limp.

That's the biggest weight gain in your life. Weren't that pussy's good and you're in love and you're eating bagels? I was 185 when I met Lange. Yeah. That's the biggest. So when I met the stripper, here I am taking aluminum. fall out of her asshole. I think I'm eating. I mean turkey burgers. I'm eating fucking three egg omelets for breakfast. Oh my god. This chick always had a yeast infection, so I had to keep my immune

system up. You know what I'm saying? When you're a stripper, that yeast infection is alive inside you. So how heavy when you moved to Hollywood? So when I moved to Hollywood, I was probably 255. The real good... From Seattle? From Seattle. The really good picture of me at Stanhope's where people look at and go, wow. Can you pull that up? No, no, nobody's got it. Nobody's got it. Rogan's got in his personal file. Oh, about 250, 255. And then... What's got a file does he have?

It really went deep in probably about 2001 was where the sleep at me and the cocaine met. And I started going on the road for long periods of time. The road will do it. The road eating that fried food, those Yoda rooms in Michigan, Buffalo, the boo,

the booze, the blow, the blow will kill you. The blow, unless you're out there sucking dick and smoking crack and not eating, when you have a little bit of money and you do blow, you binge eat. When you wake up, you right away put 8,000 calories in your system, and you go upstairs and sleep. You do that four or five days a week. The results are fucking monstrous. So what happened was when I got the sleep at me,

you're not getting enough oxygen in your blood system. And all of a sudden, you start creating. What's that thing you create when your body goes into panic? Maritone. No, no, no, you're talking about serotonin. Serotonin, so that makes you fat as fuck. So I remember getting on a scale at one time going wild. Josh Wolf got a deal, and I got this commercial for a mobster.

Something happened. I needed suits. And I called Josh, I go, Josh, I need to borrow money. He goes, you know what, man, I got this deal. I'm going to give you a president anyway. He gave me 500. Josh Wolf's show on CMT starts June. June 9th.

Yeah, he's going to be on the podcast next Wednesday. I just thought I'd throw it a plug. Are you on that night? No, no, you're on the first week. I'm going to do, I'm going to do, like, next week of the week after that. Okay, I'm doing the 11th. Yeah, doing the 11th. So, what was I talking about?

Josh Wolf, you asked him to borrow money for a suit. You asked him to borrow money for, he gave me $500, and I went to that three suits for $200 in Hollywood. You get three shirts, three ties, three suits, a pair of shoes, a belt, a hat, a burger from fucking Mousseau and Franks. You got everything for $200. But those suits are great for about $200. Once after the third use, you got to throw them away. Once you stretch and the elbow pops out Or somebody likes something flammable

Next to your suit Because it's always something flammable Don't go to one of those fucking poison concerts Because you'll leave there like a fucking I just want to say something cruel But it's Monday night's memorial today So then when did you You get to 400 pounds

Wait so do you get your suits Let me tell you guys When I went for those suits When I went for those suits I was probably The best tonight Because it comes out of nowhere When I went for those suits, it was probably March, let's just say 2000 or 2001.

I went for those suits. I was about 300 pounds. About a month later, I went to put that suit on. And I have no reason to lie to anybody. The pants were two inches away. When I bought those suits, I fit in that pants. I bought those pants. I got them tailored for myself.

When I put them on two months later, I was two inches away. I couldn't even breathe the stomach in. That was the sleep apnea, the cocaine addiction, and the diet all met at one time. And I went from my 3 to 355 overnight. Couldn't even wear regular clothes. I had to be sponsored by Big Daddy. I remember Ralphie was sponsored by Big Daddy. All of us.

And he was sending him to me clothes. That's how I was living. I was taking my profits from comedy, snorting them, and I was getting clothes from Big Daddy. Yeah. Why buy jeans when Big Daddy would send you those sweats in the mail? It was amazing. Sweats are the enabler.

When you're a fat fucker, yeah. Sweets are the friend that's like, dude, just a whole more time. How big? What year is your... And then I did, went to Houston for the holidays. Pete used to book me for two weeks over the holidays. Yeah. If you're a fat dude and it's in your DNA to be fat and you like eating,

Houston should never be a stop for you at all. They go deep in Houston, and especially if you're doing blow and drinking. Oh, yeah. Okay. Used to go to drinking and you're waking up. Right away you eat piragis instead of two eggs of an oatmeal. Yeah. Those paragis, I think.

I'd throw ten of them and three cans of Coke right off the bat. Just a few of the diabetes and the cocaine at seven in the morning. I'd come, I'd wait, I'd even stop doing blow to go get calacches and get like three jalapenos, three sausage and cheese. You know, ten of them and three cans of Coke. And on the way, stop at fucking Taco Cabana and get three breakfast tacos, potato egg and cheese with the spicy sauce. God, you used to Texas has got great food. Terrible. And then you go to sleep and you wake up and you go to beavers.

And you get a fucking Greek cheeseburger with the steak fries and the clam chowder with the fucking fish in it. You know, the Greeks, what do you got? Clad, throw it in there. Who gives a fuck? That shit. And then that night I go by Pete. And there was a Chinese restaurant by Pete. It was right next door.

It was right next door. It was a Chinese restaurant. Oh, I used to fucking love that place. Who do you think you're dealing with, dog? And then down the block. I remember if you look up a, if you look up Disco Inferno on Coke Case, that was the first remarkable game way. I went from 355 to about 380 in a month. Two of those weeks were in Houston, Texas.

It was on about a month ago. If you ever see Coke case, always pop it up and see if it's disco in front where I play a cab driver. That was really skinny at one time. I was a disco dancer. But after the cocaine back fly, I moved to Philly and I become a cab driver. What casting? So it was one of those, I did two weeks in Houston, basically got off the plane. did New Year's with Joe at Melrose on Saturday,

slept all day Sunday, and I was the second scene on the first day of shooting on like the 3rd of January. Oh, wow. It was one of those things. So I didn't really get a chance to lose the sodium out of my body from eating out all the time in Houston.

When you look at that episode of Cold Case, you will go, Joey, you were two weeks from dying. And right around that time, when I came back, when I got diagnosed with the sleep at me, I finally fell asleep at where. Where's President Clinton from? Arkansas. What is it?

Little Rock. Little Rock at that funny bone that Joe Chadwick bought. Remember when they broke off and Joe Chadwick and the black bartender who robbed the bar in Miami? They bought a fucking mysterious funny bone at Little Rock. And I was asleep at the fucking, I was asleep at the hotel. And a guy came up to me. He goes, excuse you. I'm a doctor.

I heard you snoring when I was checking in. You better go to a doctor. doctor on Monday. He was just from looking at you, I could see the bags under your eyes, the color of your skin, you're going to get sick. He goes, you have sleep at, and I can hear you choking. At that point, I had been thrown off a flight. Before the flight took off, guys, I sat down, I put my head back, and I started going, and they said, and they're like, you've got to go, dog, you got to go, you got to go, you've got to get some sleep.

Wait a minute No airline person says you gotta go Get some sleep It was really bad I was un-united And I think I had alcohol On my breath or something Like the night before

But no no I wasn't drinking that morning But you could tell I was fucked up Like the night before You're not even a big drinker So that would be No one I was doing blow I drew it down Listen you do blow

Oh yeah When I threw blow Budweiser cans It's cold like a motherfucker Yeah Give me a case Those 12 ounces Put it in the freezer

That was what Felipe Was saying You got Dude, Tom, you gotta hang out with Felipe as part. I was listening to a part of it. It was hilarious. That guy's so... But Joey and him are so authentic.

Yeah, completely, of course. I feel like we're kids listening? I'm a total child right here. When Joey tells the stories, I feel like the two of us... What am I going to jump in with my fucking story? About the time I ate a sandwich somewhere? He was crazy, Felipe. Like, when he got down, he got scary down.

He went to a different place. Really? Like, Eddie Bravo Indian. I got two good Eddie, Felipe. He said one night We did a gig together But he hung out to do something And I bought a batch of Coke

What I thought was Coke When I got to the whole time It was meth It was up in One of those Mercedes Yeah Oh And one of those meth counties

Yeah And I did it anyway You know what I'm Fuck it You know It's here What am I going to do Get back on the car

And hunt it down Fuck it You know That's what we got To me So he did meth That night I did it

And he kept I did two or three lines I was fucked up And he can't came back and I remember that I must have smoked 80 cigarettes in front of him. Like one after the other, watching the TV show, we left the door

open. Imagine Joey on best! I can't imagine. Oh my God. And there was a fucking female comic at the hotel that I knew. I remember saying, in the back of my head, I'm going to go give us a meth dick. I'm going to wake her up because my dick was hard in fucking hell. Why can you just go to find more coke,

like actually find Coke? Like, you don't have to do this. Listen, I really, it took me an hour. Did you bust one of those Joey Diaz nuts? Huh? I don't know what I did. Fucking tremendous. And another night, Felipe calls me up.

He goes, hey, man, what are you doing? I go, nothing. He goes, I'm in your neighbor. You want to take a ride? I go, yeah, I knew what he wanted. This is when I just heard rumors, you know? Yeah. He had never done powder with me.

He picks me up, and I go to El Comparre. Like, let's go inside. We get a margarita. I get, like, on a while's worth a blow. This is how bad I was. And he goes, you ready to go? I go, yeah. So he was under the impression.

I was going to give him some. Yeah. get in the car, he starts the car, I start opening up packages with a dollar bill. I'm throwing him out of the car. That's like a shotgun sport. And he's by the third package, he's like, looking at me like, where's mine? I'm like,

and I just threw it and I opened up all five packages and did 20s, one in a row. And he goes, what happened to mine? I can't give it to you, my buddy. Drive me home. And he drove me home. He called me four days later. He goes, that was fucking crazy. That's how bad I got with the blow. That was

towards. Both of you guys used to get down, huh? He told, Don, did you hear the story about Joey and Felipe did a Spanish-speaking talk show? Oh, my God. My girlfriend's mom watches it. It's a clown with a big wig doing like a Jay Leno thing. I'm pretending he's not a clown. Joey's talking to him in Cuban Spanish. So he's like, the guy's like, I don't know what the fuck is saying.

And Joey's going, I would pay money to see that. Where is that? I have no fucking idea. I want to find it. It's like those Pluntonitos or something? El Plata Nitos. Yeah. And what was the, you guys had to do?

Did you guys do stand up or just do panel? No. No, we did like a Spanish contest, like a ball throwing contest. Listen, there was like three grand the week before the holidays. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you got to do it. Both of them speak like that English Spanish. Yeah, yeah.

Like, Felipe goes, I don't even know the word for breaks. I go, what? Because I thought it was brachos. Yeah, sometimes you just, it's fun. how every year for a couple of years I would get a cocaine gift a week before the holidays. Like one time I went to do an audition

and I didn't get the part but I'm walking out some little chubby guy comes at me. He said, excuse me, you'd be right for a mafia commercial you're doing, but it's non-union. But it pays $2,500 for two days' work if you know anyone. Where do I sign? Non-union, I don't get a phone.

You know, this is the holidays, Jack. That's $2,500 cash. And they put us up in a hotel tremendous. All the way, like in Camarillo, nice, like fucking butlers and shit. Like doctors, non-union, put us up, fetus. It was a Snickers commercial for fucking Russia or something like that. And the one year I got the ski thing.

I got the teeth with Warren Miller. Every year they were picking. You did this ski thing with Warren Miller? Oh my God. They would pick a comic every year. And it was a company out of bold. I did skiing, and they were a host a boat. Oh, you didn't ski? Oh, I skied.

I skied when I lived in Colorado for three or four years. I loved it. I never skied in Jersey. That's not skiing. That's a fear factor. That's your shit. Trip tank, whatever the fuck that is. Triptank.

Killing yourself, you know, on purpose. Because only three states you could ski in and have a great time like that. You know, it's Utah. Wyoming has great skiing. Colorado. Idaho. Idaho is a great skiing. You know.

What we talking? Soldier Mountain, Idaho. Look at Lee. I have no idea. Lee. Look at Lee. Lee, are you holding all by a thread? Yeah, pretty much.

No, he's as tough as fucking nails. So what are we talking about? I have no idea. I don't remember. I don't remember. I, I'm always fascinated by the path of your life. Like, the weight gain and weight loss blows me away because, I don't know, Tom and I do. weight gain a lot. But like I just like I'd be dead honest with you.

I've been getting like on the road. I've been eating like shit and getting depressed the next day like going this isn't the right way to do it. Listen bro, as soon as I get my it, the first thing I look at it is the hotel and I dial up the menu. Now at least you have an idea. Listen, we're all savages. But you know what?

Listen, you could eat two eggs and you can have two pieces of multi-graint toast. It's the potatoes that kill you. Yeah. You have three slices of, of, of, um, of, um, that Ascomiah Seneca cut bacon. You can have three pieces of that for breakfast and live. A little fruit. That's normal.

I love to eat the potatoes. And I love the breakfast smoothie like I had. We all love that shit, but that's what kills you, bro. I'm 236. I started 242. It was this weight loss thing I did and started. And in a week I got done 236, but now I'm just like kind of plateau because I drank this week.

You know that you have to work out four days a week. I work out. I work out every day. And you have to drink water. Five miles. And you have to drink two days a week. You have to put it in your mind.

That's my thing. Listen, that's my thing is the drink. And I get you, so you have to make a deal with yourself. You know, you can't drink on the fucking flight, that kill. You know, that's it. I really genuinely wish I could do like you. I just have marijuana be my thing. But it's not, my brain's not wired that way.

Amen. That's what makes us unique. That we're all different. That there's people like alcohol. I can't. I want to do a tour bus really bad. I was I was I was I talked to Jim Jeffries today and he was telling me exact numbers I want to do I really want to do a tour he was telling you numbers of what it cost

What it costs for a tour bus and what you what and what you where you got to break even is this extraordinary no no 10 grand a week I'm not no listen obviously you know exactly how much money I make buns too do you joey I can't afford that in a weekend But if you start doing these one-nighter like do a tour of one-nighters where you do it at rock clubs and well I'm going to do the You know, I do the calling sick to work thing. So I was like, I could do that every day of calling sick to work. It doesn't matter what day of the week it is, as long as it's not Saturday or Sunday. And I was like, I got to do, I really want to do a tour bus now. Like while I'm young, while I'm not, not young, but like while I'm enjoying comedy.

You know what I mean? I was like, why aren't we doing a tour bus? Like three of us or me, like the three of us, why wouldn't we do a tour from like Tampa, Orlando, Atlanta, Nashville, Columbus, Pittsburgh. Here we go again. Now tomorrow I'm going to wake up. I'm going to have a thousand tweets when you're putting the tour together. No, but why would I do it? This shit don't fucking happen.

Why do we do this? And I got two days of people tweet me, wasting my fucking precious space. You ready, Joey? What? Call and stick to work tour. We'll do that in the morning and then we'll do a show at night. Two different clubs. I'll tell you why.

Because I tell you why. Because I can't leave this fucking place more than three days of the shot. It's tough. It's tough. I only want to be away Thursday, Friday. I'm broken, man. I broke that fucking bomb bra. Yeah.

After that, I'm done. Say, what would it take you to do two weeks? Thursday Friday. What would it take you to two weeks? And it's a war bus. Thursday, Friday. I don't want to smell your farts and you don't want to smell online. I'm an adult.

I'm an adult. If we were a rock and roll band, I had chick sucking dick and a guy preparing my heroin shots and cutting lines. But at this point in my life, listen, just put me in the hotel and pick me up in the morning. All right. Really? I want to take a shower. I don't want to be traveling. I don't want to be Tracy Morgan get hit by behind by some fucking guy in the bus when I'm trying to whack off.

I don't want to know that dilemma. Leave me the fuck alone. Everybody calls me every two weeks with a tour and an invention. First of all, I don't like promoting on a nightly base. You called me about a tour? Well, it wasn't me. It was the fucking dude.

First off, I do not like the three promotions, the three night promotions in the city. Two three nights in a row on my Twitter. It just seems like a fucking whore. It's too much promotion. Yeah.

Okay, it's too much. Then we've got to make the man to steal retweet for us and all that shit. I don't have it in me to drive four hours. I don't have it in me to drink with people after a fucking show. I'm 52. I want to go to the room, have a cup of coffee, and pass the fuck out. I just don't have it.

I wish I did. And to keep this up to par. Because at the end of the week, this is the catalyst. You know, these agents go you up and they, blah, blah, blah, blah. And at the end of it, we're done for two days, I got to rush this. Now I got to put somebody on. I don't want. I got to do this.

I got to do that. Now they stop listening to this. and my numbers go down for me to make chump change because I want to be Johnny fucking Elvis at 40 and live in a fucking tour bus. You got a nice life. You go on Thursday, you come back Saturday. You're a fucking Saturday, you know.

You like this shit of playing a baseball game on Sunday. I couldn't sit at a baseball game on a Sunday no my wife is cooking. I can't do it. There's no club in the country that I want to work on a Sunday. Yeah. And that's your dilemma. I didn't know.

I didn't know you. You had so many gold teeth. Oh, this guy's Johnny Pimp. Yeah. This is... Jesus. Yeah. Are those new?

No, they've always been there. I'm thinking about... You look like fucking Edger and James. I can't go out. I can't go out on the road, give you three weeks, and guarantee I'm going to give you nine great shows.

Right. Really? I can't do it no more. I don't want to ever burn out, Bert. I don't want to burn out three weeks. I don't want to be like these guys that's what it becomes. And then it becomes the end.

or be all and now you're 52 you got two kids you got a mortgage and this is all you got you moved here to do something here you didn't move here to go out there if not let's end it let's shake hands move to houston move to nashville and cut your travel time yeah you moved here to shoot a pilot on thursday to shoot the travel channel to fucking pop an occasional movie or something you didn't move here to go out every eight weeks on the road unless you're bill burr selling out 18 nights in a row at the fucking Wilbert Theater when you have those numbers but he did took time 19 shows sold out the Wilbur but that takes time that's a process that's movies that everything comes together yeah I'm so confused so over did 19 shows 19 sold out shows

10 days in a row yeah like like like two Monday two Tuesday two Wednesday two Thursday like at the Wilbur theater in Boston yeah sold that so that's just over a thousand seats each each show. So he sold like 19,000 tickets. Holy shit. I feel like I just been slacking on my stand-up. Like, I feel like I listen to these guys. Yeah, but you say it, you said it before, but you're out all over the world shooting TV. Like, you can't keep that up if you're doing what you do. Listen, you have to focus on one.

I know, you can't. Nobody can. But why you're doing the travel show, you're pening. At night, you don't have time while they're driving. I got to go to the room. I got a pen for an hour because that pen, what's his name? Dangerfield, didn't do comedy for a few years, but he kept penning. So even though you're not doing that, when you pen sometimes, it's just as valuable.

Just keep penning. Something happened. You're hanging out with these fucking Puerto Ricans. Something had to happen. You're hanging out with a bunch of Arabs. Something had to happen. Something had to happen. Something happens every day in your life that sometimes you don't write down or we miss. I'm the fucking number one guilty part of that. But don't have a fear you're slacking.

When I'm working on a movie... I just see all you guys on the road. I feel like I feel like I come back and I get on the road for like two weeks a month, but I'm not on all the fucking time, you know? Yeah, but let's say when I get on a movie. When I got on a movie, let's say I got a movie five days in New Orleans. Most your assholes, 90% of a comic would go, I'm not making that much money on the movie.

Let me go book a comedy night. Then you book three fucking nights in New Orleans. Now you're out to 12, and you're shooting a movie with fucking whoever. You're getting the opportunity of a lifetime. When I shoot a movie, guess what? Everybody else sucks my dick. I'm shooting a movie. If at the end of that movie,

I want to do a weekend in New Orleans like I did, then it's done. But I don't mix apples and oranges. I used to get a shitty result. Why are you getting a shitty result for? To me right now, when I'm out the third week in a row, that Thursday, I'm feeling it.

I'm feeling my jokes. Start to feel kind of like they're on play, press play. That's it. That's when it's over. Once I feel that, that's it. That's why I told the guy, Listen, don't back to back me no more.

Every other, doesn't give me three weeks off to recoup Mike to get a feel for this. Yeah. And then put me out there. And I appreciate the work. Don't get me wrong. I just can't cover the spread no more. But I know this going in. I want to keep this fresh.

I don't want to come in here on a Sunday, get home, pack, eat, and then come here at 8 o'clock because I got to leave on Wednesday because Rosemary wants me for Bob and Tom. Fuck you. Bob and Tom can suck my dick. I'm going on Thursday. Do you it be it? These go out to end date? No, these go out Monday night and Wednesday night.

But, you know, I don't want to do two-putt. Again, if I got to come in here Monday and then Tuesday, I want to even keep this motherfucker fresh. Yeah. I want to space it. I don't want to come in here to do two in a day. And then the law of diminishing return. I went to the year.

Yeah, I was going to release. The law of diminishing returns. I was the biggest whore in the world. I mean, nothing for years. Everybody goes, you're a hustler. Yeah, I could throw down with the best one. I could get that scam. I can film my schedule.

Eight days a week. I can call every club owner. You don't know how I do it, but I can't do it. I know that by the fifth week, I'm on stage giving you a bullshit. Show him to yell at the heckler. That used that on yell at.

Yeah. You're the one that convinced me to cancel my Sunday shows. Now I do it. Now I do it either Thursday or Sunday. Sometimes it's easier for me to stay with the girls, you know, on Thursday if I'm coming in late.

But the girls would love have you, but the girls remember Sunday dinner. There's nothing like Sunday dinner in the American culture. Nothing like it. Nothing like Sunday dinner in the American culture. And we spit at it. And then when everything goes sour, we sit there,

I don't know what happened. We've disrespected our own culture. Sunday is, that's it. I don't listen, I don't give it a lesson. Listen, I'm not doing the midnight show. I got shit to do in the morning. When I get there, my kids don't understand that I made the midnight show.

they don't understand that I work and that this is provided. They don't understand that concept. You know what they understand? Daddy wasn't there on Sunday. That's all. And this is what I know from blowing a marriage and blowing a relationship and blowing a relationship with my child.

I'm not talking out of my ass. This is what I've seen over the years through other comics. Because there's no woman as much as she loves their kids when you're calling her going, I'm in Beirut, dancing with a bunch of hebe girls and she's at home at an art class with fucking Ila.

throwing fucking M&Ms to the fucking neck. You understand me? And you're telling her, how much can a woman tolerate that? How long would you tolerate that at home? You know, I'm in Puerto Rico with three natives drinking pinia colladas. Wait till you see me on TripTank. And here I am at home. Shit, I'm going to piss my son.

Where's fucking, what's his name? What's his name? What's Tony Bennett? really, really listening to like, to like laughing hard as... Fuck! It's tremendous, guys. Are we leaving?

No. Okay. We're going nowhere. We're here. We're drinking wine. You got the Uber, right? I got the Uber. Do you want to smoke another drink?

No. Fuck, no, man. No, no, no. You all right? You want a piece of edible? That edible was 6,000 milligrams. Jesus. It's the second one.

That's the second one we want to. Do you ever, no, I really want to know this. Do you ever go, like, I'm too fucked up from your edibles? Ever? Does that thought ever cross your mind? Happens every day. But ask him what he does when that happens.

I wake up, I brush off, and I go back and get the line that bit me. He took another one. But I take a few days off and I regroup. Do you really? When I go to acupuncture, she cleans my adrenals out. She cleans my gallbladder. And that's what the THC develops. It sits there like a glue.

So when I go to her, before I go back. Yours must be like fucking oil sludge. But I've been running this. Like Exxon Mobility. Let me tell you what happened. I've been running this machine. for so long I can't stop this motherfucking out. The body's got this glue everywhere

and now you've just got to learn how to maintain it. You can't let it cross over into the danger zone. I got to keep it like Tom Cruise before you got the Scientology. Do you ever get tired of fucking hanging out after the shows? I can't believe your stamina for that. Yeah.

I don't know. You're the one that brought that up to me though. Because I'm like you in this sense is that I'm like let's go back to the I want to go back to the room. You know what I mean? Like after the show? You're a fucking all-nighter. Yeah, I spend the night with the...

I tell everyone if you come to my late show, I hang out with you. I'll hang out. I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you don't get just tired. I used to do it too, guys.

I used to do it. I can't lie. Yeah, you... I did it last night. I said to you, I can't believe you don't do it. No. Because I, when I go done it

and get done my second show, my first show, I sell shirts or whatever and books, and then I go back to the green room and chill for a second. And then after the late show, I go out to the bar, tell everyone.

But, man, I don't have, this is going to sound massively insecure, but I didn't have the security in my material that you may have, that both of you have, because I always felt like the only reason I was there is because I sold drinks. You know, because I was because, well, no, but the truth is when I first started headlining, um, one of the, I heard Pete, as a matter of fact, Pete is exactly said. He goes, you know what I man, you got a big drinking crowd. That's good for a club owner, because Pete was kind of got to move drinks. And he's like, you move drinks. And I was like, yeah, and then David Tell randomly said to me, you can't count in Miami one weekend. He goes, you can't count on the club owner watching your set. You can't count on the club owner knowing good comedy.

What you can't count on is that the club owner knows how much booze you sold. And you sell a lot of booze, and you'll fucking keep working. And that's always been my M.Sept with you. So in a weird way, and I remember Tony Baldino telling me in Chicago, he goes, nothing for nothing. But when you hang out Saturday night, I get like an extra four grand. And he's like, it's not a lot, but it just adds to your weekend of sales makes you a better comic. I tell you that all over the country. Tell them to hang out for an extra an hour.

So I always tell people to hang out. But then you were like, I'm having a drink on stage. So that moves booze, too, right? Well, yeah, I drink on stage. Usually I do a shot or I pound a beer when I get on stage. But that's the deceptive thing, not to like let the canary out of the mind. But like, I only have one beer on my first show. No, I'm not.

Yeah. And then I'll have a one beer on my second show. Maybe a couple shots. Maybe. I don't know. Who knows? Dude, I'll be honest with you. I'm kind of, in a way, jealous of it.

Like, because I sometimes will be like, all right, I'll have a drink with you guys. And literally eight seconds in, I'm like, I got to get out of here. Oh, really? Because I feel like if they're waiting for me to be entertaining, I'm not going to entertain them. But we're different dudes. Of course. But we're different dudes like, like me and Joe, you're the same guy. Yeah.

But we're all very different. Like, Joey's very honest. I'm not very honest. I'm not very honest. I'm not very honest. Really not. I'm really not. You know, you guys know me pretty well. This is honest right now. I'm not honest right now. But I'm not very honest. Like if Joey said, Bert, tell me what dot, dot, dot, dot is, I'd be like, I'd be like, I don't like confrontation.

Like the most of the times when I hang out with Joey, and I'm being dead serious, I kind of listen to Joey and let him tell me. Like, remember when we first song out of the whole month? Like, I kind of did therapy with you, but I would tell you things and I listened to you very honestly. Like, but I would never confront anyone. You don't, you don't have a problem in conversation, nor to Joey? I have less of a problem with confrontation than you do. Yeah. I'm not as comfortable with it as Joey. Joey has no problem. He has no problem.

No, no. I was always very polite. Something happened the other night that I feel really bad about. What? And I totally would happen. I don't know how. And I felt bad because I know it's going to come back to bite me in the ass. It always does on life. It's the second show Saturday.

We just take pictures with everybody. hugging, you know, the whole thing. And then me and Lee are like, oh, let's go for a walk. And I call Lee, and Lee's at the buffet with talking there. Who?

A friend of ours. And Twitter guy. Security, the main man. And they're hanging out. And I'm sitting there by myself waiting for him. And I'm watching, I'm at the sports book. Am I drinking? Not at all.

I think I have a water. And I'm watching whatever is coming up on the sports book. I'm watching pieces of the UFC. I'm watching the baseball game. And, you know, like when you're just, I don't know how to say this When you're just in a fucking Your

In his own What do Gentiles call it I'm I'm DTiles D whatever decompressing Yeah decompressing Yeah it's just decompressing

Yeah Winding down Winding down And you don't know where your mind is that Your mind is nowhere And that is a great The best feeling The only thing that is a true pleasure

To comics Is decompressing after a show is so great So in the middle of my decompression A guy comes up And he goes hey Hey Hey Hey, you're the comic, man.

I was going to go see you, but I didn't know who you were. Right? And, oh, nice to meet you, sir. Yeah, you know, maybe come tomorrow night. It's a 7.30 show. I'll put you on the list. Yeah, but why should I come anyway? It says, you were in the movie Grudgemats.

That's a really shitty movie. But I don't have to tell you, you were there. I mean, I'm a boxing writer. And as a boxing writer, I mean, De Niro should have been beat up, and I'm sitting there, all right, you know. And he goes, so his wife, like his wife is in the midst. She's like laughing, like giggling at, like, my husband is so witty. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm sitting there, guys. I'm 52. Okay? I've heard it all. I've eaten a lot of shit in my life. And I made a promise when I got clean off Coke. I wasn't going to eat shit no more.

At no level, whether I was in Hollywood on a set, an agent or direct, I'm done. They're fucking thieves without guns. I was a thief with a gun. I don't have respect for a thief without a fucking gun. So this guy gets close and he goes, you know, that's my biggest problem with comedians. That whenever I bump into them and I talk to them, they're not funny. You know, he goes, I've been sitting here for eight minutes and you haven't said one funny thing to me. And I look at them straight in the face guys and I go, why don't you take a fucking walk?

Take a fucking hike. He thought it was a joke. He's like, oh, ha. And his wife and he was like, you know, I don't have to go on it. And I'm going to take a fucking walk guy. I'm sitting here mind of my own business. I ain't bothering nobody. I just did a show.

I just took pictures. I'm just sitting here. My own in my own business. You got to come and insult me? You know what he says to me? He goes, I could basically do whatever I want. And he starts giggling again. And I go, do me a failure.

Because he started, like, protecting himself, like just talking, just trying to talk himself after the hole. And I wasn't even having it, guys. There was no apology. Listen, take your bullshit somewhere else. And I told him, take a fucking hike. And he stopped me. He goes, are you serious?

And I go, get the fuck out of here. and he looked at his wife like I was a Martian and they just walked away. I didn't want to... What is that? Is that confrontation? No, no, no, no. I don't know if that's confrontation.

But you feel badly about that? He was older than I was. I was raised to respect people of white hair. That guy's an asshole. And then I thought about the Joe Rogan thing 10 years ago. Old people are assholes that grew old. I thought about that right away and that made me feel a lot better,

but that's not the school of thought I was raised. No. You didn't do anything wrong. shouldn't feel that. Now, was that confrontation? Well, that's confrontation, yes. But it's not, it's like... You got any cheese left in there?

No. You got a couple grapes. Like, I'm Julius Sison. I don't lose my head over that. I lose my head over, like, when I talk shit to people, when I'm drunk, and I know there's probably a camera on me. Oh, sure. Yeah, like, that happened at the Mall of America.

Yeah. I totally, the guy was like, I hit the button to close the hotel. at 12 and the closed hotel and so I hit the button and the guy Are you handicapped? I was like, what? He's like, are you handicapped?

I was like, no. He was like, then I can't let you in. I was like, oh, never mind, I'm handicapped. But I did this whole spiel about being handicapped and then having a blind guy in a guy in a wheelchair with me. But I was like, because the speaker thing was here, so I was like bending down to do the speaker voice.

And I got, I came around the corner and the next, like, the guy was like, were you the guy with the handicapped guys? I was like, yeah, have you seen them? And then he was like, we have video cameras, man. And I was like, fuck. I totally Britt McHenry to myself.

Yeah, yeah. Like, that's what I think. I don't think about those moments. Like, those moments, you're not being a dick. You were nice to the guy. You were gracious to the guy for a while. The guy was an asshole. He's a cunt.

All his friends will say he's a cunt. That's how it works. The reason why my mom died was the heart thing. Yeah. really inside was her heart broke because my mother was a very generous person she was raised like a gypsy my mother knew that she made a hundred bucks

and she came in the room right now she was only supposed to walk out of his room with 50 in her world that was my mom's world and I was raised like that to spread money it's not about you I get a little money extra cut fucking Lee in it cut you in that's the school and you do the same but people don't think that way so you end up getting fucked

and then when you need money they don't call your back even though you paid for their fucking kids dental bill and shit, whatever. And I think the same way. And I don't know how to fuck you guys do it. I tell you what bill kills me. There's a bill that's called a manager's bill that I'm a Cuban Jew at heart. Okay, I'll pay my agent whatever I own. If he gets a great job, I give him extra.

But that 15% of the manager's shit has always killed me, especially when they just call you with a date, like when they call you and go. I got more dates from Gershry. Here, grab your pen and you're like, what? You know, I tried to tell them you needed more money, but they wouldn't budge. You tried to tell them, you fucking cock sucker? That's the bill that's always paid me. Or the bill where I'm paying you for the same job you're doing.

And all of a sudden, wait a second. What's going on here? Yeah, I'm paying for a phone call. I don't like that. There was times when the number was okay, so I paid it. Because sometimes it's just good to have you around. Yeah. Let me give you the 10 points just to give you a little taste of what it's like,

but they don't appreciate anyway. So the other day I got a call and some guy says to me, hey, I got an offer for Josh Wolf. What do you want to do? And I go, not for nothing, you're not theatrical. He goes, yeah, but they sent me. You're going, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's theatrical.

And somewhere on the line, that guy is going to go home, he's going to see that. He's going to go, where's my 10? Yeah. And I'm going to have to pay him 10. And I hung up and I felt bad the rest of the day. Is that confrontational? Why come from that's telling people.

But in L.A., when you do that, you get on the fucking shit, son. L.A. is a weird place. People don't like talk to you in their face, I think, you know? You have to check people. You have to stand up for yourself. You have to. You have to. Don't rape you the fucking death in this town.

You learn that, though, man. They'll rape you a death. And sometimes you accept it. When I was doing that blow, when I was telling you guys about the blow, it wasn't a blow that was killing me. it was what it was doing to my spirit. I was letting things go because, you know what, if I yell at Bert,

the cops are going to come, and I'm not going to be able to do that package. I have to that house. And who gives a fuck if Bert humiliates me, as long as I could go take that package. You know, that's how I thought about agents and people in the industry. And when I stopped doing the blow,

that was the thing that got me past it, that if I stopped doing this blow, I'm going to act, I was raised to act. So that's how you act now. When somebody steps out of line, just a fucking fraction, I got to nail them. Yeah. Because I don't want it to grow. I rather not even let it fucking grow because in my world, that shit fest is in me.

And then one day, it's like when people send me text messages. I've never sent you one. I've never sent one. It's like the people, and I tell, like Ralphie had a thing about leaving me messages. And I go, Ralphie, what's the story with the eight-minute message? Cocoa, you know, there's no need for it. I kept telling them and telling them and telling them. And one day he caught me after I just cut off by an Asian guy.

So what happens? Now it's your fucking bad day. Now I pass it on. And people are like, what the fuck? How are you talking to me like that? I warned you 10 times. Not to leave me a message. And you kept doing it.

Today's my bad day. Now you're going to get done. I've been yelled that twice by Joey for being on an email thread. No, but I didn't start the thread. That don't matter. Don't follow it. Cucksucker. He yelled at me.

Go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom. I'll give some shoutouts and we'll move this captain along here. Let's give some shout-ups. Are we, is it show over? No, no, no, no, no, no. We're doing what we're doing. I don't even know how long we've been on.

We've been on for however. Fuck it. Let me give some shout-out. Main shout-out goes to my main motherfucking Vegas, Mr. Talking Wear, running fucking security this weekend. Also, a big shout-out to my man Matt Balthus are always there for us. Lyrics is for hire. Bobby Sharon and Crystal.

Greg and my fucking, Greg and the Asian princess up there in Seattle. Laura Cobain, Keith McCabe, Jordan Lee, you bad motherfucker, and my man Andrew Southern guys. I love you, cocksuckers. So it was funny when we came in here tonight. Yesterday I got an email when I woke up, it was a 10th anniversary of the release of the longest yard,

the one I was in that fucking, right? Is it May 25th? Does it say it? Yeah, that was Labor Day weekend. So it was funny. It was on last night on TBS. and then today I was talking to Lee and I told him to put it on the beginning of it and that's where we're at so I don't know if you guys give a fuck I really don't I want to give a shout out to give a shout out to that store we went to

which one oh sunset herbal sunset herbal let me give a shout out to my man oh can I give some shout-offs yeah give a shout-out I want to give a shout-out to the top never mind never mind I just realized what I was doing new podcasts are out Felipe Asparza

Owen Benjamin and Jason Ellis this week that's already up there Go get them Jason Ellis has just released it today It's a fucking amazing podcast You ever talk to Jason Ellis Joey

I was on there one time Yeah Yeah I had a really good time With Lee this weekend in Vegas I was talking about that When I walked in here That sometimes you forget

How much longer are we going to a podcast? I can podcasts for a while. Who the fuck knows? We got to go. We got a long day. He's got a long day. Well, how about a two days compared to mine? It's probably bad.

Why? What do you got to do? He's going to shoot a pilot, he's not a prepay. For who? He couldn't do it. A fucking true TV. Come on.

Come on, man. I got a pilot with fucking history channel. This guy's... No. This guy's next fucking sign for. Leave him along. Why are you picking on them for? You know what I'm saying?

I had a really good thought. You ever do something, Bert? and I forgot about this quality of life you ever do something with the girls and they have such a good time that no matter what's going on in your world just seeing them have a good time makes you dick hard like you're like this is amazing

I know you've emistically I know you're saying and it's funny to see Lee I don't watch him jump on the trampoline to get my dick it's funny to see Lee in Las Vegas how he couldn't wait to get to the buffet like he just couldn't wait he had buffet

tickets so you take it Lee with you? you on the road? No, no, no. I just took him to Vegas because I wanted to tape the sets and I know he enjoys it. What's the difference? They're going to give you a room anyway. He drives out. He has a good time. You know, it's called making somebody's weekend. You know what the fuck? I got a room. It's not like I'm towards Switzerland. He goes

out, you know? So I go, Lee, when I go to Vegas, he came. And it's weird. I ask him because I forget about the fun normal people have. Like, I'm damaged goods. I've got damaged by the blow. Everything around my life early on at Lee's age. were surrounded by getting my dick sucked and do him blow.

Nothing had become fun. You know what I'm saying? I could stay in a closet with an Asian chick just do him blow and fucking. And to me, that was the best thing. You guys could come to me and tell me how you went to an art exhibit. I would rather have done that, though. No, you wouldn't have enough cock suck. You got scared and cried.

And you wouldn't never fit in a closet league. The fucking Asian chick had a big clip. It had to be a walking closet with tons of shoes. But it's so funny how much fun I had watching him gambling. It's like a child. He fucking, we had the best strawberry shortcase. Like New York style, like old school, that was just sensational. Lee's got a blessed life.

You got to love it, Lee. He was eyeing the strawberry shortcake the entire weekend. Every time we'd walk by, he'd like look at it. He talked to the baker about it. How much do you love what you do? For real. That's the best thing ever. I don't know what's not all the mind.

He has a good time, man. And it's funny when you are. No, it's so cool. I'm saying I love to hear that somebody loves it. You love it, right? Hell yeah. Yeah, it's the best. It's got to be, you know, in a weird way, it's like, I know you, I don't have to, I'll speak for you, Tommy, but like, we, I know that we both feel blessed to know Joey.

Oh, 100%. But we also feel like, in a weird way, we feel like we've earned the right to know Joey. Yeah. Like, we're, like, no, no, but like, I always, I always feel like, like, I always, like, I always, one of my favorite you stories is, uh, is when you call, you call one night, you go, what are you doing? And I was like, nothing. I'm sitting in the front yard with the girls. I'll be over in five. And you and Terry and Mercy came over,

and all the girls in the front yard, me are sitting on And Randex, and I thought, and I honestly thought, I was like, I'm really lucky to have this moment, like a fan. But then I went,

in my head, I remember thinking, he's my friend. Like, because I remember I wanted to take a picture of it because that was so cool and Instagram it, like a fan would do.

Yeah. But then I was like, oh, this is my friend. I guess I shouldn't do that. You know, like I should just hang out with them. And but it was so fun

that our kids were playing together and my daughters love watching her and so and but it's I feel like Tom and I'm lucky to know Tom but I feel like I've earned the right to be his friend I feel like I've earned the right to be your friend it's gotta be great to be Lee who

kind of you know came from out of nowhere and all of a sudden it's like it's accepted 100% I get a kick out of Lee like when he gets high and starts laughing for no reason at all it makes me laugh hard as fucking shit like when you said he had two boys

and Lee lost it it's got to be all got along. We all got along. We all got along. I didn't at all. Yeah, I felt that. I knew that thing. Like,

well, I felt it with you, too. We're like, because I opened, you know, I would emce shows that you were on. So it's like, oh,

I know this guy, but like, you know, can I call him like a peer? It takes like years to get to that point. You know what I mean? You saw me get slapped

in the face and you were like, I was like, I was like, this guy's a bitch, man. No, but then with Joey, too, I met Joey,

and I was like, it's like a fucking tornado of a human being, right? Yeah. And then I go, like, I can listen, but like, can I call? Like, it took a while, be like, yeah, like, earn the right to, like, call somebody, right? Yeah, yeah. You're kind of, like, intimidated and slash, like, impressed by them.

So you're like, I got fucked over by a guy. Nah, I shouldn't say fucked over. I was just like, are you leaving, Lee? No, he's funny. Two comics kind of, like, used me to get something for themselves. And I felt very used. I never felt like that. very long time. They did what?

It's not even that bad. I made more of it than it really is because I was drunk when it happened. But they used me to get information and I got fucking pissed. Where's the top part of his body? Watch when he gets going to, look, look at his face. Look at his face. Look at his face.

Look at his face. Look at him. Like a leech. Watch out. Don't the... Fucking hilarious, guys. I feel the same. I feel, listen, I'm part of the younger thing. You know, I'm older, you guys are younger. I never ever felt like, I never feel like you're 52. I never feel like you're 52 also.

I love it. I love it. I love the fact that we're all, you know, I got into this because I read a book. What pushed me over the hill was the Lenny Bruce book. And I really, really believe that I was going crossing over. This is what I believed in my heart, guys. I really believed that I was crossing over from being a criminal. to join

like a biker game. Like when I became a comedian, I thought I was joining like a secret society. Okay, this is what I really believed and I thought that we really had each other's backs.

I thought that this was the end all beal. And then you go on the road and you meet some dicks at some of those Yoder rooms and some of those triple rooms and it's almost sucked up. I'm opening another bottle of wine. How soon are you leaving,

I'm leaving, I got it. I really do have to go. I don't want to go. Why? He's cracking up on a bottle of wine. Where are you going? Another 10 minutes. 10 minutes.

10 minutes. What the fuck? And you meet a bunch. I do what you do. You do it. And you meet a bunch of dicks. And then you come to L.A., and I was blessed to meet. I go to the comedy store and meet Duncan and Joe Rogan and Ari. And I had this faith.

And also when that thing went down with Carlos and Joe and what happened to the comedy store, everything went away. I saw a comic for what he was. You know, a comic tries to approach you sometimes. They don't have the best intentions. Yeah. And that's what always sticks out in my head. they didn't say, you know what, you shouldn't throw Joe out, we're going to back it. They caved.

That always fucked me a little bit. So that broke the, it's like for me, it was like becoming Sammy the Borgavano without ratting. It broke my spirit when I realized it was all about money. And that's it. You know, when you realize that that's when I hate comedy is when it becomes about money. My fun times is when I could call Segoor and you and go, hey man, me at that pizza par. Let's go down and do 15 minutes a piece.

Dude. And we fucking giggle and we get high and we talk. walk the people and we take pictures and I don't have to sell t-shirts. I don't have to do nothing. I can just be myself. It's when you're counting heads and this guy robbed you last time that's what becomes a chore.

It's like you can make a million dollars a year as a comic I either respect you or I don't respect you. That's the truth. That's definitely the truth. I don't give a fuck. That's the best part about comedy though. The best part about comedy within comics is that you don't hold comics to the standard that society does which is how successful are you on paper,

you hold it differently because you either respect that person or you don't and has nothing to do with their income. And there are guys that don't make a million dollars out of respect. Of course. There's guys, all the guys that probably risk, most of them of the guys who respect don't make a million dollars. Yeah. The guys that make a million dollars, sometimes they're the first ones you disrespect. You're like, I don't like the way you came about that.

I respect the open micers now because I know how hard it is for them now. I feel bad for feature racks now. Dude, I feel feature act Feature acts is the most Least You know You know, I wish I You take care of them now more

I only started I shouldn't talk like that But I only started tip of people Because you said to Really? Yeah, I never tipped a feature act in my life They used to get five bucks

Sometimes I forget I just only reason I don't tip It's because I forget sometimes No, I know Yeah But like usually I tip the weight staff A hundred bucks At the end of the week

The whole staff? The whole, everyone get 10 bucks Because I don't know I don't know how to do it. Yeah, sure. But I don't know who's weighted on me or who's got me drinks. And then usually I'll give the whoever's feature for me like $200. It's not a lot of money.

That's cool. I'm not making a dickload of money. No, but you're helping out. I just try to, I don't go like crazy. I figure you pay a little bit for the flight or whatever. I'd like just started doing stuff, you know. I would make a ton of money. It's interesting.

I used to think that I would, the money would grow exponentially. But I think my money's, I don't know. Now I'm going to shit on myself. but I think my money's past my talent. What? I feel like, I don't know. I don't know. I'm not like you, though, man.

We're different people. You believe more in yourself than I believe in myself. Come on. Nope. That's not true. Promise you that 100%. That I believe more in myself. I've had more conversations with your wife where I know who you are more than I know who I am.

100%. You believe more in yourself than I believe in myself. 100%. Where do you see your shortcoming? because I see you at something. We shouldn't do this on a podcast. We just talking on the phone. This is a great podcast.

No. You believe in your worth more than I believe in my worth. Like if someone said to me, in all honesty, if someone said to me, man, we'll have to get into a dollar number

to prove this. But like, but like I know for a fact that you believe that you can go out and do rock clubs and you'll sell them out. I would never believe that myself.

I just would assume I'd get there and no one will be there. I would never, never believe that. I don't believe in my, myself at all. Yeah, but I had the same panic thought before the show. Right. And then you get there

and it's all right. You're like, oh, cool. I would have never done that. But you could do it. I could, but I still would never do it because I'd rather a club fucking for a wallet for me. I got it. And know that there will be people there for me to form in front of. Like, I don't know, man. I think it's generational a little bit. I think that you grew up in a time where

this, punk rock's the wrong way to say it because it's not, that's not what it is. Right. But like entrepreneurial stand-up, where you looked at, like, both of you guys were ahead of the podcast game. I want to ask you a question not to intervene. Shoot, shoot, yeah. How long have you been doing comedy for? 16 years.

Okay. I want you to rate from 1 to 10. The first seven years of your comedy career, how hard did you work? Um. The truth. Seven years? Oh, you think about the same. Oh, I worked a lot harder than I worked now.

How hard did you work? How many nights did you go home and you could feel you, it was like a girl cheating on you. I'm going to give it. I'm going to give me a seven only because I believe I believe I'm an eight, but I would never say that about myself. Did you think, you ever have a girl cheat on you? You've been in love and a girl cheat on you? You know what that feels? Yeah, of course.

Is that the feeling you had when you wanted to be that good in comedy? Did you ever get that frustrated? No, of course, yeah, of course. When you're fifth or six year, then you shouldn't always, value your worth. I didn't do a lot of things. I didn't go to Montreal. I didn't do lettermen. I haven't taped an HBO special or special at all.

But I know one thing in my career, I worked. I fucking worked. I've been on buses. I was telling Lee. I used to take a bus from here. O'Passo was a feature act. From El Paso to New Hampshire. What? Take the Southwest. That was the cheapest flight available. Forget Logan.

I would go into New Hampshire. And then I would work Boston, take a bus to Maine. From Maine, take a bus to Syracuse, Syracuse, Rochester, Buffalo. That's when you, before 9-11, you could go into Toronto. I would sneak in through the casino and then take a bus to Ontario and work that place for 800 a week to headline. You had to stay there for two weeks and sleep with the creepy uncle on his house. And he drove porn.

I told that he drove fucking pokers at night, the retarded brother. You have no fucking idea. Taking buses between Rochester. Then coming over and going all the way to New York and doing rascals. and doing the city clubs and getting fucking bombing and then taking a bus to DC improv and getting fired because the headliner wanted a clean feature and then taking the bus to Myrtle Beach

then getting a flight on like fucking Spirit Airlines for $2 to Miami and doing the improv for two weeks and then doing Uncle Funnies when it was in... That was a dump that fucking hole. What was the name of it? In Boca. No, no, Uncle Funnies was Dorfman's first club. I thought it was in Boca.

No, it was right outside. were the dolphins practice. Where did the dolphins practice in that facility right there? But that was the roughest week ever. Then he had the other one in West Palm Beach where I got high with the chick from Night Court and he fired me. Dorfman

told me I couldn't work that club no more. He spread the rumor that I was doing blow and it was because I... The rumor. Yeah. The fumba, whatever the fuck it was. Davis? Huh? Davis, Florida? Davey Florida. Davey Florida. The fuck you think you're dealing with.

some novice guys. I would busse it everywhere, and I would call Yoda the whole time. I've never done a Yoda room. You have a fallout. I kind of want to do a documentary. You have a fallout. You have a fallout.

And I would take buses to Michigan, inside Indiana, Wisconsin. I worked for that guy when he'd pay you with the gun on the table in Minneapolis. Milwaukee. That's fucking jerk up. J.D. JD from the fucking biker gang.

Why were you in a gun on the table? Oh, my God. How did you handle the gun on the table guy? I handle people with a table. That's what I'm saying. Joey did. Wait, did you work for him? No, I never worked for him.

I worked for Taddy. You heard my story, right? There was two people who put guns out, him, and the jerk off from New Mexico. No, the guy from Chicago. Which one? Grant. Brand.

Oh, he put that gun on the table. Riddles? Fuck. And he put a gun on the table. That motherfucker was a check bouncing, motherfucker. And then he said to me one time, he goes, what do you want? Cash or check? And I went, oh, in my head, I thought it was more certified.

We got a check. I go, check, definitely check. And Leanne goes, why the fuck would you get a check? get cash. This check's going to fucking bounce. It bounced. Yeah, it bounced. It bounced. No, maybe it didn't. I don't remember. I think Caparulo's bounced, and that was the beginning of the end. What was, what were we just talking about?

Guys with guns. JD. So we go into JD's is the Jamison Comedy Tour. It's me, Steve Byrne, Danny Bevins, and Billy Gardell. And the second we roll in, I'm closing the show because I'm the loudest of the group. And so, J.D. says, I don't know that guy is not closing. Billy Gardell's closing. And Billy is the guy, for you guys that don't know,

is a guy on Billy Gardell. He's on Mike and Molly. He's Mike. Not Molly. And so, and so he's like, he's like, yeah, don't worry. Bird will close the show. He says, no, I don't know who Bird is. You're closing the show.

He fucking hated my guts until the very end of the night. Last week, someone said he was in the Outlaw Biker games. JD's had a stroke, I think. Yeah, he died. He's in bad shape. He's in bad shape. Yeah, he's a good guy. I like to.

So we go out to the thing, and I said, So, J.D., you're an outlaw, huh? But you don't say to a biker. And he goes, excuse me? I said, you're the biker gang. Outlaw? Like, I'm being such a fucking guy in a movie. You're in the biker gang, the outlaws.

You're the swear guy. And he was like, what do you know about the outlaws? I said, my dad represented them in Florida. I said, slow poke and lefty. And J.D. goes, you're out-crowshers kid. What? I swear to you. I swear to you.

And he goes, are you fucking kidding me? God damn it, we come in the office. You'd be that little kid. That's you? I said, yeah, in Tampa. there's a bunch of guys that were arrested in Jacksonville on this big case. My dad represented them.

And my dad would talk about the fucking biker gang. And I remember the names. Your dad knows some unsavory shit about these guys. And this guy went, are you fucking? And he started bringing motherfuckers over. I remember it was snowing because he had an escalate. Do you remember that? And it was always clean as fuck.

And he was like, come on over, come on over. He goes, this is, his dad was a lawyer for the fucking outlaws. And I remember, and then all of a sudden next week, I got an offer to do it. weekend there. 1,300. It was $1,300 for like fucking seven shows.

And you got to stay at that condo. I know. He stayed at a hotel. I didn't go back. I didn't go back. Oh my gosh. I made a bet with the bar staff that on Sunday I'd make $100 for tips in everyone.

I promised them. And I said, if I'm wrong, you guys all have to get naked on stage. But if I'm right, I'll get naked on stage and you can take a picture with me. And I was wrong. They didn't make $100. And JD, J.D. Goh, take your fucking clothes off. And I was like, I was like a joke bet.

J.D. I was trying to raise their tips. And he was like, take your fucking clothes off. So there's a picture of me naked on stage with everyone from Joker. Joker or something, whatever it was called? Comedy Club. I don't know. I don't fucking know.

What are we worried about? That's how I value. Tom, don't, don't get. No, why? Why? Why? That's what I feel. Listen, brother.

Good luck to you. Thank you, brother. Let us know what time it starts, Tom. What night when there's this pilot premiere? Oh, no. I'm just going to shoot it. So I don't know. What's the promise?

It's a, it's about me and Christina. Oh, seriously? Yeah. Is it like scripted? Yeah. This would be fun. Nice. Yeah.

You know, for months, people started hitting me up going, what do you know about it? I didn't even know. Yeah. And then somebody told me true TV. Listen, man, you paid your dues. You deserve it. Thanks, buddy.

I'm mad at you. Go get your fucking paper, cocksucker. Tom Segura, it's your mom's house. Christina's podcast is... That's Deep Bro. Yeah. That's Deep Bro is rated higher than your mom's house. You know that, right?

No. Yeah, always. Really? Your mom, That's Deep Bro is one of the highest rated comedy podcasts. It's a great one. I've had people that don't do my podcast. Yeah.

See how great that podcast is. You know what? It's really funny. We'll do the podcast live, your mom's house live. Yeah. And people will come up to us. And I'll be like, how's it going? Thanks for coming.

They're like, I really like that's Deep Bro more. I'll be like, thanks a lot, man. And then they'll be like, we came out kind of hoping to see that. I'm like, we didn't advertise that. Like, you're telling me how disappointed you are. Yeah. Like you wanted to see a. different movie?

Like, it's, we told you where you were saying. So, wait, be honest. When was the last time you guys, 69? 69. I'm going to be honest. I know that it was, we, it's, I'm going to say six years, at least six years?

No, it's been, it's not that long. 69. Yeah, it's not that long. No, it's been a while, but not, not that long. The sex position? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why you ask him personal shit with what? What's the matter with you?

He's fucking Bert. Because we were talking about 69. You were talking about 69. You were talking about 69 and earlier. Here's what's important, man. What? June 11th, I'm at Stan. Stand Up Live in Phoenix.

Oh, shit. Are you? Yeah, and June 13th. Just one show. One night. One night. One night. He's a savage.

June 11th. June 11th, Thursday. It's a Thursday. Are you going in to do press that morning? No, I'm just flying in that day and doing the show. Do press that morning. Do that. K.D.

You think so? K. K.W.D. I'm fucking the name up, but do it. It's such a great show. No, I've done it. I love that show. Yeah, it's a great fucking show.

And Calgary, June 13th, two shows at the laugh shop. Jim Jeffrey's family is from Calgary. He's on my podcast next week. Is he doing it? I already did it. I did with him today. Oh, you got to tell me about the tour bus thing. I'm going to do a tour.

Take me with you. Do me a favor. Take him with you. You guys are the best. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Thank you. My best of your wife. Good luck with this fucking thing. Thanks, brother. You don't want to start a girl? No. You're going to shave the beard for the fucking pilot? Yeah, one of us has to pick the beard because we look too similar.

Like Seahon, Seahon and shit. What? See my. Whose keys are those? The Lees? The Lees or rent? No, that's the problem. I bumped into Slash one night.

Like in 98, Joe took me to Riviera, and it was for the dirty show, and I bumped into Slash. I saw him at the airport, and then I saw him walking around in the afternoon. I went up to my room. It was my first time in Vegas to Duccom. I couldn't sleep. I went walking around,

and there he was at the bar by himself. And I went over and said hello and told him that he was at one of my shows at the Union one night, with Pauly Shore. The union. And he started talking to me, and I asked him what happened

to the singer. And he goes, going to ask you a personal question, how are you doing with comedy right now? Are you doing well? I go, I'm not doing good at all. I just moved here. I've been to the pilot,

but whatever, I'm still getting $15 a spot. He goes, these are going to be the best times of your life. You're going to remember these times. This is what matters. Always savor this, because later on when you make money, you're going to question it.

That's what happened to the singer. He started questioning, and all of a sudden he started looking for spiritual answers and why he did what he's doing, and he really believed, you know, sometimes, is my mic on or is it low? Put it a little loud of my mic. Sometimes, man, you see it.

I love Jimmy Fallon. Yeah. Do I, I mean, is he Johnny Carson? Fuck no. Is he Dave Letterman? Fuck no. But it's 2015. And he puts something different.

You know, he does sketches and he sings with people. And he does kind of cute stuff sometimes that even I tolerate. And I'm not a half of fucking brute cake. I tolerate. I'm like, you know what? I see where he's coming from as a comic. I still remember him going into the improv with a guitar. He had that fucking manager lady that was a savage 15 years ago in that way.

That shit got him from point A to point B like that. I still remember him doing sets at the improv. Coming in with the guitar, Jimmy Fallon. Anyway. I never saw that. So this is 97, 98, and I never saw him again. And then, but he had Sting on there. My personal opinion of Sting, I love music.

But he's a fucking skunt. He broke apart one of the greatest bands. The police is a fucking amazing band. But he's such an ego. He's such a fucking con-ego that it leaks out of his pores. Me, I get it. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He's such an ego that he even killed Jimmy Fallon's touch.

Like Jimmy Fallon even felt insecure. You could see it. I had to go down and hang out with you guys at the casino. I was really, that's, I don't know what my point is, but that's how much of a fucking kiss of death he was. Like that ego will kill you. That's a little too much ego. But that's why I don't

When I get a residual check From Spider-Man 2 and it's 14 grand I got two options I can go question how the fuck I got this And snort a bunch of blow and start crying And walk around like the guy from Nirvana Or I could just suck it in and move forward Have you seen that documentary?

Yes I have shocking Did we talk about that already? No, no no but I saw you Twittered something Yeah yeah yeah yeah montage of heck It's fucking insane You know you forget just exactly how good Nirvana was. Chimandes. Amazing.

Kirkland was amazing. It was just fucking hardcore riffs with great vocals. Great vocals, great lyrics. Amazing. And Dave Grohl was the quintessential drummer of that time. Didn't say shit. Oh, it was fucking amazing, man. And that, but that, when you watch him

like nodding out on heroin, it breaks your heart, it breaks your heart. You go, God damn it, man. And I've never been there. I've never been there with my guest. I can see it. I still remember. Guns and Roses, winning the Grammys, and being fucking... Just glee, just gone.

Falling all over themselves, smoking cigarettes, nodding and shit. At the Grammys? At the Grammys. Fuck all these clean acts. New kids on the block with haircuts and shit. These motherfuckers were fucked up. You'd sit there and you go, wow, that's amazing. Now, can they handle it?

what, they're still here. Yeah. Aerosmith, can they handle it? Guess what? They're still here. You know, Led Zeppelin, you know, half of them are fucking gone. I introduced Georgia to the monkeys today. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Here we come. Oh, Jesus Christ. Like, in Georgia, it was like, I don't get it. And I was like, God damn it, this is the first iteration of the boy band. This is the first example of, like, producer makes the boys who sing the songs that they write, and then they try to get power, and then they kill it. and it was a TV show and I was like I was like George I don't know if I can tell you about this

this is too deep like this is and I literally sitting there I party pretty hard last night and so I was like sitting on the couch with her we were cuddling and watching it and I was like I was like baby this is next level like I can't I don't know what to tell you about this I go just enjoy it for what it is You'll look at your children to see their future

Yeah it's It's come I'm just coming The funniest love song And when we're Here's one of the first things I saw out of Cuba The monkey When I came to the country

This is what was popular on TV This the green hornet Hey I'm doing Felipe's podcast tomorrow Are you gonna do it with me? No I got a thousand things to do tomorrow I'm waiting for this podcast to be on Felipe I'm waiting for this answer right now from this guy He just texted me now to see if I can meet him tomorrow

Uh You have a look at your kids And kind of in a way see their future I do. I do with Ila. I don't with Georgia. I don't know what Georgia's going to do, but I can see Ila's not going the right path. I can see it. Why do you say that? You know, you know, Ila. No, Ila's just a free beautiful child. She's a free beautiful child that's going to end up a drummer in a fucking lesbian band or like she's not going to be like a doctor or lawyer.

You know, I just don't, I don't see her taking the conventional path. I think what she respects in life is not what the average child respects in life. Today, my hands are all paying it because I don't want to, I bought these spray pants that go on shirts. She wants to make shirts for me of animals. She'll draw a stencil from the animal

and then she wants to make shirts. But she's only eight. Like, it's like an entrepreneurial angle for her, but she doesn't know that you can make money of it. She just knows that she wants to do it. So she made these owl shirts with a letter, B in the center of the owl. It looked so badass.

I was like, I was like, how are you doing this? And then she was just like, really like, do you remember like Bob Ross? Do you remember that guy? The painter Bob Ross would be like with the afro, they'd be like, we'll put it in a square old corner. I would just take a fucking, like I, there was this black one she did that had an owl in the center on a gray shirt and had the letter B in the center of the owl in like stencil. And then she just took the color blue and sprayed it all over.

And it looked badass. And I was like, fuck, that's not a regular. brain. That's her brain. I can't fuck with that brain. And I don't want to fuck with it. But also part of me wants to go, hey, make sure that brain is taking care of in case the artistry doesn't come out. I don't want her to be addicted to, you know, fucking pills or heroin coke. No, no, no. As long as you give her love. She's not going to have any doubts. She's like you, Joey. Like, like, you, you're one of those guys that, uh, you and her, you and her are very similar. And I, I've said this for a long time to you, I think. But, like,

she loves hard. She doesn't love, like, on the peripheral. You either know she fucking likes you. She doesn't like you. You know, like, you're one of those people that my dad loves. But my dad doesn't love a lot of people, but he knew that you respected him and that you had love for him. And so in a weird way, you guys connected. And so it's like, that's like, Allah. Now I love him more.

I didn't know he was that type of lawyer. That's a heavy type of lawyer. It takes a heavy person to be that my secret dream, if I ever get re, recarnated, I want to come back as a top-notch attorney. I'm talking to the top-notch attorney, defense, three or four huge clients that keep you're in a retainer, and you just fucking are their mouthpiece for life. Listen, it's going to cost you, but you call me a five in the morning.

I'm tip-toed Magoo. I'm right there with you're banging it out in the fucking jail. That's the kind of, because I saw it. I saw that kind of representation to my mother. Sam DeLuca was the best attorney I ever saw in my life growing up. up and he represented fucking killers and he kept them aside he drank at their bars he drank

alongside with them and it takes a certain demeanor to have that, to have people like that respect you. Because after a while those I say fuck this guy will stiff them you got to keep them paying you an attorney is a very weird occupation it's not what people think on paper

for you to be a good fucking attorney you've got to know how to cross the line. It would have been a great attorney. Oh I know I would have. I love it. My dick gets hard thinking about it. I couldn't have ever know the work to get there, though. The work would have been hard, but once you get that work down and you start a little, listen, man, they pay you to find loopholes. That's a great job, which is something I'm bad at, but by doing working that muscle, you get better at.

Yeah. By doing math and working that muscle, maybe a little fucking jiu jih Tzu to get your mind thinking. You've been doing jiu jih Tzu a lot lately, huh? I'm fucking terrible. I'm fucking terrible. It's amazing. I'm so glad I came by tonight. Yeah, me too.

I was kissing the girls good night. And I saw you call. And I went, I went, oh, I missed this call. And then my periscope came up and it's Joey Diaz live. And did you know this? And then I saw you getting high before the show. And I went, what's he? Where's Joey at?

In my head, I was like, I know we're right near each other. Where? I'll go run over there. And then you were like, Tom's the girl is coming over. And I was like, oh, fuck. We had talked about that. I was like, the podcast. So I called you up.

I go, hey, can I still come over? And I kissed the girls tonight. And I just got in a Uber. Thank you. Thank you. And I was like, God, I'm fucking so glad I did. This is such a great night. You came with ammunition.

I brought booze. I'm not going like that way. Did you Uber? Did you Uber? Oh, was Uber. Oh, look at you. Yeah. Uber at Lisa. No.

Joey's not a huge fan of Uber. Oh, really? Sure I am. Not for you to Uber because I want you to be mentally tough. You don't need to Uber. You're a fucking on a mommy. Oh, my God. What happens?

Lee, how long have we been doing a podcast? This one? Yeah. We're almost at 300 episodes. No, no, no. No. In time right now? With two and a half hours.

We're going to shut off here in about 10 minutes. What do you think, guys? I've had a fucking blast. Oh, me too. I really have, man. I'm so blessed out of your lap, Joe. Oh, really? It's 153.

Yeah, this is, listen, man, a podcast is basically tapping into a good conversation. It shouldn't be forced. It should be very generic. The podcast I enjoy is just generic conversations. You can tell when you put a comedian on, he's trying to overdo it. Just talk, you know. I told you, man, I really regret. I regret not reaching out to people I don't know more.

Felipe was probably, other than meeting you, was the realest person I've ever met. Like, I remember when I met you, the first words you said were, dog, you ever break into a chick's house-kinaed her pussy on a quailude? And I fucking fell apart. You're like, Lucy Snorbush. And that is the fucking, I remember saying to Joe that night, we were sitting outside of the thing, I go,

that's the realest fucking guy I've ever met my life. Like, I feel like a phony standing next to him because everything he says is so genuine. And Joe's like, dude, it's Joey Diaz. That's the next level. Like, I mean, that's not the exact words. And then meeting Felipe, I was blown away. I was like, and he was like, oh, I'm good friends with Coco.

Like, it just, and I really love that in people. And that's what podcast brings out to me. It's real motherfuckers that would have never gotten a voice. You know what I mean? Like, you can't be you on morning radio. No, no, no, no, no, no. I tried. Comedy, I was telling Joe and I was talking to Ari.

And if you're a fucking idiot, if you don't know this. Comedy's on an all-time high. Yeah. People are going out every night to watch comedy. People have... We're like... It's back. It's back in full motion.

You know, it really fucking is back. But what do you know about, Lee? Is that... Just listening? No, no, no. And this is what's happened for a long time. For a long time, people would sit at home and they'd only see the comics

that they see on Comedy Central. And that's great. There's some great comics on Comedy Central. But there's also some fucking shitty ones. But that's where... America thought it ended. And all of a sudden this thing, social media popped up and YouTube popped up.

Now you can look up as comedians. Now feature acts have a fan base. And what the fuck are we talking about here with? I don't know. So, I think brawl, I'm a... Now what's happening is you're introduced to comics you would have never met before.

So for all this time, you've been meeting these comics that you think are goody, goody, good tush. Goody, goodie, deuce. And also, this new brand of comedy, that some of them, you know, I like Joe Rogan, who's very intelligent and very profound, and he smokes pot, and he does fucking TRT, whatever the fuck, he knows about fighting, you know,

and you get, you know, you get all these different comics spilling their heart out to you. So it makes you love them. So it makes you see comics that you wouldn't usually see. Like myself, Comedy Central would never dreamer put me on. Felipe, you know, the general has fallen in love with comics that you wouldn't see generally because of the internet. That's the best part of comedy.

That's the best part of comedy. Why would you ever want a guy who fucking just knows what the market wants to buy resaturates the market with what it's already purchasing? I mean, I don't mean to be a cunt, but like I feel like a lot of comedies like that. A lot of comedies, guys who know what the market purchases, and they simply repackage what the market purchases. And then you get guys like you and Felipe, I'll say like, I'll say like four very different names.

You, Felipe, are so authentic that no one's doing that. No one's doing that ever anywhere. You can't find it. Everybody wants a TV show. Yeah. Nobody wants to, nobody wants you to really know I had this horrible thought, guys. I had this horrible thought. I just told my wife on the way out.

And I'll share it with you guys. I love Lysayette. Lysia is like my little brother. I love Di Agostino. But I look at it. a lot of people who were under 20, under 30 in that mid-range. There's two different types of world.

One thing I have appreciated from the lesson I've learned with myself and the comedy is then I also learned that with music. Now I believe that we maybe didn't hear the best music that was out there. There was maybe a lot better music, but maybe somebody didn't like them. Maybe they fuck somebody's

wife. Maybe they did some. Maybe they spoke up for themselves, and they didn't get a chance. So now I've been listening to more independent label music. When people send me CDs now, I sit down and listen and I've been learning. This is opened up my eyes also, you know? I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. But mainstream, more comics like myself that you wouldn't see are going mainstream. And it's great because you're not just exposed to what the fuck the media is pushing down your throat.

The fucking, the real fun is hearing someone live a life that's different than yours. I don't want to hear about it. I don't, I mean, I'm not shitting on anyone. I don't want to even do material that sounds resembling of me shitting on them. But, like, I don't want to hear about a guy talking about what chicks sound like when you hit on them. We get that. We've all lived that life. I want to see something extension.

I want to see Ernest Hemingway. I want to see a fucking Gatsby. I want to know someone that lives something different than me. I don't know. That's what I dig about. Yeah, like what's out there right now in the market, you know? I don't know. I'm pretty fucked up, too.

Do you think on, like, a long enough timeline, if you just kept at it, everyone would have some sort of success, whether it's just like selling out or having a show? It depends what you look at as success. Right. I've been going to Jiu-Jitsu for two fucking years. I am horrible. I am horrible. But because of Jiu-Jitsu, it has made me more aware of my body and I'm trying to get healthier and stronger and in shape.

and in shape. Your bodies and you're much healthier. Yeah, so success is what? Some people's success is going to a bar and buying everybody drinks and getting your dicks up. That's some people's answer to success. Some people just want to, listen, man, no matter how you look at it,

comedy became more important to me than doing crime and then doing drugs. It took me 15 years or whatever it took me to realize that, hey, there's comics that aren't better than me. They just have help or whatever the fuck they have. I'm making these strides while I'm a coke addict.

Can you imagine the strides I make if I was over-coked? If I didn't do coke. Now my energy had somewhere else to explore and go somewhere else with my mind. Yeah, but your path, your journey is what it is. Like there's no, like, I don't, like, I don't, no one can do what you're doing. I don't know. Not to sound like too. I feel fucking against you.

I think everybody can do what they're doing Nobody is consistent Nobody wants to be consistent Nobody wants to do anything past 62 days Nobody if you take a fucking poll In this country or what happens I see it at home with my wife

I see it at home with my wife And she's going to get the karma That when my daughter gets old When I tell my wife hey do this Leave this door shirt because this is going to happen And I come back a week and a half later And it's open And she thinks I just meant it for three days

You know, every morning. Today I got up at 4 in the morning. My flight was at 7.35. I got up at 4 in the morning, just out of myself. I got in the shower. I came out. I ordered breakfast. I was packed already.

I tried to write not jokes, but about my day and about my journey for the week and how great Vegas was. And the process of all this, I go, holy shit. It's Monday morning. I got to post three videos. I got to do the morning joint. Nobody was on Twitter, but I did it because it's consistency. That's what I do on Monday mornings. You know how long I've been doing it?

Lee, how long have I been doing that pathetic thing with the same fucking songs and the same stupid fucking little... Since I've known you. Okay, three years. Four years. And even though it's stupid, and even though whatever,

how many comics get up every morning and tell you to have a great day? Very few? That goes a long way in my world. No one, no one, I don't think. So, consistency is everything. I believe that if you stick with something long enough, even if you don't become a Hollywood star,

or you don't become a world champion at it, you will get a different lesson out of it that you will go into the next level of your life in peace if you Jimmy Schubert does a great saying his father told him don't cut the shrib never give somebody a short shriv or something it means to always give 100%

to always give 100% even when you don't think nobody's looking for always give 100% and that's the only way you'll be in peace when you move on to the next level of your life yeah and with that Let me give a shout out to the sponsors and we'll get the fuck out of here.

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Yeah. And the thing was fucking... Shut up. Stop. Did you smoke it? I don't know what you're talking about. Did you smoke? It was pretty fucking.

I smoked that dab at the airport that I got fucked up, but the thing was loose. You did what? But the thing was fucking loose already. If that happens at one of Dave's pens, I called Dave that Nailed It Life, I got a pen delivered to my house without 24 hours.

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to Iron Dragon TV. Another shout out to Hitties sings and a tremendous shout out to honor.com. Enter Bert Christi for coming this weekend. God bless you, also you bad motherfuckers on Saturday night

one stop shop Uncle Joey, Oklahoma City at the lab at the university. That's right. Uncle Joey's coming to Oklahoma City. Put the fucking horse away. I'm coming with a big dick

and some Vaseline. And then the Week after that, the Denver comedy work. All you pot smokers, I'm coming to fucking town. You better get ready. I'll be doing jumping jacks. When the time I get there, I'll be under 300. So I'm going to smoke pot like a motherfucker and eat green chili.

I'd like to thank Berkshire. I'd like to thank my man, Tom Seguer. When's the new season? When's the new season? Start at a trick, whatever? Triplip. Triplip. June 2nd on Travel Channel. On APM.

And the thoughts tonight do not express the thought of the producers or the Food Network channel. You understand that. I love you, Cox, Suckin. Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you always. Happy Memorial Day. If you're a soldier, let's get the National Anthem.

Oh, I fucking love this. Let's get the National Anthem. Like last time, Lee, like, let's, yeah. What's up? Like, play some music of the national. I am. Where Joey can. You know, yeah.

This is one of my favorite times I've ever had on the show. Oh, here we go. Get up, you fucking faggots. It's America, you fuck. Soldiers died for you. And you want to walk around with a sore ass telling people you're free. You ain't free, you fuck. You're a fucking hologram.

You're trying to be somebody else. It's Memorial Day, you fucking cock suckers. Be a man. How long can you live this fucking live? Soldiers die for you. Korea. Dung coon. Fucking Vietnam.

Germany. Fucking Hawaii. Soldiers have died for you, motherfuckers. And you cock suckers are walking around, acting like half a fagger you can do what the fuck you want to do. The party's over, you fuck. ISIS is knocking on your fucking door. And who are you going to cry to, when you cut that fucking hair cut off that you paid $90 to?

You're going to cry to the boys of the American fucking armed forces. That's right. The Army, the Navy, the fucking Marines. The Air Force. The Coast Guard, the Boy Scouts. It all starts right there, you motherfuckers. Get up tomorrow. Be a fucking man.

Gets tired of living a lie. You're a fucking American. If not, move to fucking Sudan. or to some region and switch government, you miserable motherfucker, be an American. Thank you, good night. Rest and peace.

Rest and peace. Rest and peace, Dan, Mer. I love your cocksuckers. Rest of peace, damn, mur. Oh, my God. I'm so glad I came over. Fuck you. You know how we do it, though.

God damn. Are you done recording? My mic still on. I have to do the ads. Go to Anand.com. we use cohort church to get 10% off their great optimization products like alpha brand new mood swim tech immune and stream tech sport what's up buddy? What's with the questions?

Okay. Go to iron dragon TV.com, a brand new Roku channel with all of your favorite martial art movies. Tai Chi Hero Jackie Chan, the leader in 4K technology. It's Joey. You get two free rentals. Piss her. Okay. It's to the left.

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