The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #286 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 29, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Use code word Joey and get your first two meals free! Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.  
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Recorded live on 05/28/2015.
 Music:
 Victim Of Changes - Judas Priest Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd

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when you go to on it.com, use code word church. Oh shit! The world was supposed to end today, but Nostradam is fucked up and the church is still here, motherfuckers. Little Judas priest up front unleashed in the east, a fucking monster.

Victim of Chains. you bad motherfuckers. What? The live music is still around. If you notice, they don't make live music no more. They don't tape it. This is motherfucking old school, baby. And yeah, they redid it in the studio,

but this is fucking live as fuck. For this free, you motherfuckers. May 28th, 2015. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Joey Diaz here, my main man. Lee Boom, Boom, Soiat. What's happening, brother? In the house.

I had a great day. Had a great day. I had a great day yesterday. That was a lot of fun. It was great. Paul had a great time. Then you went to the donuts. Oh, my God.

Hooked you up with some young, young donuts. I didn't even know I'm going to get donuts. You should have seen your face every time you've been into a fucking donut. I haven't had a donut in forever. Oh, my God. A glazed donut? I've tried all the new ones, like the maple bacon bar and all that stuff. A fresh glazed donut is perfect.

It beats everything, hands down. Listen, man, I didn't eat donuts. I don't know how long. And I moved up. up here in the beginning at night before the baby my wife and I would walk around the neighborhood after dinner okay yeah one night we went for a walk and we went to yum yum donuts we went in we never came back that was it we never looked back and it's fresh they're fresh donuts if they don't have let's say they have a chocolate donut and they don't

have the chocolate coconut they'll go on the back and get you the chocolate coconut they'll put coconut on it for you just a great place a bad place if you're on a fucking diet oh my god but a great place if you want to be a fat fuck and hang out with your buddies and You know, I mean, it was, I like all that shit. Like, just, you know, because I grew up on Dunkin' Donuts. Yeah, me too. But Dunkin' Donuts just blows. Like, I was excited.

When I was shooting the longest show, I was in New Mexico, and they have one in New Mexico. Oh, really? And every morning, I go over there, and I get a donut, and I was excited, and it tastes like shit. And the coffee's great, but you've got to wait 20 minutes to drink, and it's too fucking hot. Is it really? Yeah, it's too fucking hot. See, that's why I never got into coffee. I mean, it's different everywhere.

Like, if it's bad at a gas station or it's bad at Starbucks, it's too much guesswork for me. But, yeah, even in Boston, they don't make the donuts at the Dunkin' Donuts anymore. They come in and deliver them in trays. I didn't know that. I grew up on Dunkin' Donuts, too. I didn't know they were that bad. And then I had one in 2005 or four when we were shooting a movie, and it was, I never went back. And when I go home down to the East Coast, there's a Dunkin' Donut up the block from the hotel.

And I go up and get the coffee all the time That black Brazilian bowl, the brown You like that one? It's fucking stronger than shit It's delicious But they have the K cups Do you like that or no You probably brew a pot, don't you?

Well, I have a curate. Oh, you do that one? Okay. And Rogan got the K cups today With the marijuana in them. Oh, no way! Yeah, the coffee already has the medical marijuana.

It's 10 milligrams. I've got to have 100 cups of coffee. I mean, it's nice to add a little Peptia step in the morning. I wonder what they taste like. Have you ever had anything like tea with Marijuana. Yeah, about six years ago, there was a company that made a tea with marijuana in it.

They were okay. First couple times you got high after that. They didn't do dick. Have you tried the tinctures? Yes. Like, that's what I want to try. Or even pills? I don't even know if they make those.

I got the pills at the house. Do you like those? What do you think about those? Yeah, nailed it life. They gave me some pills. Yeah, they gave me some pills to think like capsules or something. They're not bad. The tinctures are fantastic.

I felt it just took a long time. Oh, okay. But, like, one time I took them in the afternoon, I forgot about it. And that night, I'm like, why am I so wrecked? I mean, I was beyond high. I was, like, wrecked. So the tinsures aren't bad. They come a long way.

Like, I never thought, when I started smoking pot, I just thought it was something that you heard about legalizing it, but you just kept, you want to turn that air on this fuck. Already? Okay. Yeah, it's hot. You're sweating already. I am?

Yeah, look at your little domey over here. It's all glittery and shit. You look like it. But that's what it was. When I first started smoking pot, I never dreamed it was going to be legal. You know, throughout the years you heard of the cookies and the people who made the brownies and stuff like that. But this is, every time I go into the weed store now, I leave there like just shaking my head. You know, I don't try everything anymore because it's not strong enough or it's just, you know,

I don't want to eat a big fucking cookie that's 800 calories. I don't need to eat a pizza pie. They have pizza pies over there, you know. 200 milligram pies. I ate one of those pies one night. It wasn't bad, but I don't remember getting high. The thing for me, if I had a wish,

it would be just to get it super quick. Like the least amount to eat, and it gets you high the fastest. That's what I want. That's why I like the devils. I like the Green Hornets. That's why I like the stars. I think that they're little,

and they give you a big bang. I like the anti-delores. Listen, those choco things for 10 milligrams, the anti-dloris is, they're not fucking bad, man. Is that what you do? When you get super high, you'll just add little stuff to it throughout the day, or do you, I mean, you take big ones too. Yeah. I don't even, I haven't been eating throughout the day because they make me too fucking hungry. Yeah.

So I usually pop up at the other board at 7 o'clock and I deal with going home at night. That's the toughest is going home at fucking 11 and I eat popcorn, so that kills my carbs at night, you know. Yeah. But it's not like. I'm eating a cheesecake or nothing. No, I'm not eating nothing like that at night. I'm not making sandwiches no more at night. I'm not cooking leftovers at night.

I haven't eaten leftovers in like five months. Nothing like that. Really? Yeah, she bought this popcorn I eat at night. It's not bad. It stuffs you out. You know, sometimes you can't eat the fucking popcorn, so I'll switch to a banana or a few fucking apples, you know.

But after I eat all the fruit, then I got to dig into the real stuff. I'm making a can of tuna and eat it with crackers or something like that. You know, just something at night. But it's too much. One of these edibles, 11 o'clock, 3 o'clock in the afternoon, you're fucking starving. I know. And that's the downfall to it. That is, there is a downfall.

There it is right there. I heard they make appetites suppressing strains, like certain things that make it so you don't get hungry. You're going to look for, what, a year to find the strain, and it's gone? I don't know. Just deal with it. We've been smoking pot for so long. We just deal with it. The reefer doesn't make me hungry, hungry, but it gives me an initial.

appetite. You were asking me what I do in the morning. I try to drink coffee with my first joint or a half a joint. And I do that to get the appetite going. When you're on a diet and stuff, you want to start eating as soon as you wake up. You don't want to sit for two or three hours. That's just bad for your body. So you want to eat as soon as you wake up, something. Water right away, a glass of water, as bad as a taste with toothpaste in your mouth and as bad as it fucking feels in your stomach, because that gets your metabolism going. Those are the same. three hours that your body's just in limbo in the morning. So when I get up, I drink that coffee, I'll drink a little water, then I hit the coffee like Doche said, and then when I'm drinking the coffee, I smoke a half a dube or a couple pipefuls, and that gets that breakfast

appetite going. Yeah, because I don't know how you make it through that periscope that you do, because you smoke an entire joint, and I know that's not your first edible or your first joint. Fuck no. Oh, my God. Fuck no. For people who don't have it yet, if you're Android, they just came out with the Android app.

What's an Android? It's just the other kind of phone company. It's not even the phone company. It's like all the other phones are Android. It's an operating system. It's just what your phone runs on. And then there's Samsung and all the other companies. But they have the app now for Periscope.

Everyone needs to get mad run out of Periscope because it's only on Apple, but now it's for everyone. Okay. What do you think? I love that app. It's, especially now when there's so much of everything, it's hard to, like, have something go crazy and be that great. and to have that idea. And as soon as I saw Parascoop, I was like, wow. It's just amazing.

Listen, man, they're developing new stuff every day. I'm not a computer person. I don't read computer magazines. I don't really, I'm not hit. I don't know what's going on. But I wish I was. Like, I don't change tires. I can't do oil.

But I always wish I was good with cars. Now it's computers. I always think about buying an Apple computer just to get the training at the store. You know, if you buy that package, they give you training. So if you buy it, camera, they'll give you fucking free training with the camera a couple hours a week. You probably like the Apple. It's super easy. It's super user friendly. Like what do you mean? They try to make the computer

as easy as possible to run and how to find applications. I mean, that's where they're going. PCs are more for people who like to customize and stuff like that. But for idiots, it's Apple. I mean, yeah, and they're more expensive. That's the same thing. Apple and Mac are the same

thing. That's how much I fucking I'm getting an education from Lee about Androids and shit. I don't know what the fuck people are talking about half the time. Yeah. I mean, it's hard to keep up, but it's crazy. Like, you've always talked about how, like, Dane Cook took over Myspace and stuff like that. So, like, as soon as I saw Paris Cup, I was like, oh, shit, this could be, like, because the thing we've talked about forever is that you just need a camera on you constantly.

Jesus fucking Christ. If I don't kick this one down next to me, I'm trying to get comfortable here. I just don't know, and I get scared sometimes. Periscope, it's so fucking easy just to set it up and send out the tweet and get people to watch. And you just shut it down. I don't like periscoping all day. No. You know, today I periscope the cats.

That was great. Biggie looks so cool. Biggie and the other cat looks like he's fucking going to die. But I love those guys. I've known those guys for six fucking years now. Every time I walk down that street, I talk to those fucking two cats. Or BW. I'm friends with them.

They follow me half the block. Really? Sometimes I got to bring him cat treats. Is Biggie the loudest snorer you've ever heard? heard because every time, even when we didn't matter of flavors world with him, like, you could just his purring is just like super loud. He's a great cat.

He's a great cat. How come he never brought him upstairs? Because I got other cats to deal with him. He's just a male that would go crazy. Oh, okay. He's got a home. They all have homes. Jill. Jill's their fucking parent. Do they ever go inside? Yeah, they go inside at night. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, they go inside at night. She

lets him out at like 5.30. They fucking want to go outside. But Now they go down the block. It's really interesting how they move down the block. But then come six o'clock, you see them right in front of Joe's eating. Okay. Wouldn't you ever get nervous about them getting hit and stuff? Like, it's just...

I get nervous every night, but they don't move... The fucking Bruce Jenner and his assistant across the street, Monaco, fucking were feeding the cats at night. And they were walking down the corner, but something happened. There was a fight with one of the cats, so thank God they stopped coming down. Somebody started feeding them down there. Oh, okay. And Biggie's like, I'm not walking down the cat.

all the way down the block to hang out with fucking Bruce Jenna and fucking those crazy motherfuckers. Bruce Jenner don't come out of the house no more. The other guy that did the operation. Oh, Monica? No, his buddy. Oh. Fuck stick. Captain annoying. He don't come out no more from his side.

He just hangs out? Yeah, I don't know why he switched governments if you're not going to go on and show that pussy. Why did you switch governments for? I don't get it. He sits in the fucking house all day. Both of them don't have jobs. I know they get some type of disability from the government. How the fuck do you live your life like that? Maybe he's just looking at the post.

Maybe he likes to just look at it. Who? The other guy, not Monica. I don't fucking know. I don't get involved. I don't get involved with nobody on that, in that little housing compound. There's the drunk chick that her and her boyfriend are always drunk. She has a job and he does.

I think he's on disability, too. And they just live their life and they walk to a little liquor store. I see him like at eight dog. He comes back with a fucking 24-pack. And then when she gets home from work at 6, she brings a 24-pack. and it's on. Them two motherfuckers drink 48 cans of beer a fucking day.

And the other guy's skinny as fuck. I don't know how he does it. He probably doesn't eat. So it's got him, the chick, that's a painter, or whatever the fuck she is. Okay. The two fucking, whatever across the street from Mizombo and his assistant. And then you have the Spanish dude move.

Fuck him too. He used to break my balls too. It's fucked up how, like, wake and bake is cool. But any time I, even if I see like a guy with a beer at like 7-11 in the morning, and like it looks weird. Like drinking in the morning is not accepted, really. It is, if you're in that world. I have tons of friends that drink in the morning.

Really? You know, I was telling you guys, one of the scariest, in 19, before my mom died, she sold the bar. My mom had a bar on 29th and Bergenstein. But then I'm 30 at the New York Avenue, which is other bar autos. So when my mom shut that bar, the bookies from there had to go somewhere close by

because people banked on them to put their numbers in. So they started going to a bar around the corner name Otto's. And it's the last bar. Pretty much there's only one more stop before you go into New York City. Oh, okay. So when my mom died, I used to have to go up there every Sunday and meet Zirida, Z, the lady I talked about in the Comedy Central thing, and we would meet up there.

And one day I asked the guy, hey, are you looking for any bartenders? And he goes, yeah. And he gave me a job. He goes, I can give you a job Monday nights. It's a slow night. but you could build it up with your friends, and then Thursday morning, or Wednesday morning and Friday morning.

And I go, who comes in here in the morning at 7 o'clock? And he goes, you'd be surprised. So he goes, I want you to think about taking the job at 7 in the morning because if you take this job, you really have to be here at 645, 6.30. Because those people show up here at fucking 10 to 7. I'm like, he's lying to me. Oh, my God.

He's just telling me that to make me go there early. Well, let me tell you something. Guess what I did? The first day, sure enough, I get there five to seven. I had 18 pissed off people. No.

Judges, attorneys, people with suits, like nobody looked like an honky, but they all were. I learned a lot from that job. And I'd go in, so basically this job I had at Otto's. I was in high school. No, you weren't. Yes, I was. I was a senior in fucking high school.

But I had a job. I was part of the CIA Work Study Program. That means you only have to go to school in the mornings and then work 15 credits. I switched it. I told them to go to school in the afternoon on Thursdays and Fridays, which I really didn't go. Who gave a fuck at that point?

And I went in the mornings and I bartended. But the first time I went in there on time, which was that Friday, was when I really saw it. I got there at 6.30 and I fucking... I took care. Get everything set up. I got all the ice. And at 10 to 7, they come in there.

Let me tell you what their orders were. Their orders were two shots of scotch. At 6.50 in the morning. Two shots of scotch and a beer back. So two shots and a fucking beer. And they'd be out of them like five minutes probably? Three minutes before they got on the fucking bus. Bam, bam, do-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-to-too.

Bam. Three-four-dollar tip. I'd make $60 in those 15 minutes and then I'd be dead the rest of the day until about three o'clock. There was no reason to go to that bar. A couple scragglers throughout the day Somebody come in for a beer Somebody coming for a soda

It was the day shift It was basically around That 400 I made in fucking 10 minutes Jesus And it was steady Like I had a big load of people Come in at 10 to 7 So it wasn't like people working the overnight coming in

No it was people getting ready to go to work in New York City Oh my God So they get a drink to get on the bus Yeah Then they get into the city And there's probably a place where they stop And get a little bottle are taking throughout the day.

They go back there on the way back at themselves. A little bottle and that finishes out the day for them. I guess there's no difference between that. No, in smoking. It's just people do it all the fucking time. It's just a way of life or something. Now you have alcoholics and you have drug addicts and then you have functioning drug addicts

and functioning alcoholics. Yeah. I was a little bit of all of them. I could fucking get high and act in our minds, in the junkies mind, you think that they don't really know. Right. Like an hard, disgusting, perverted mind.

I could walk in here trip and go, I could tell Lee that I took cold medication. They'll believe me. So is there actually a functioning alcoholic or functioning drug addict? Yes, there is. Absolutely. So, okay, there is. Absolutely. I feel there is because I was a functioning addict.

No two ways about it. I was a functioning addict. My daytime thoughts were mixed with my addiction. So all day long, I'd be talking to you about business, but I'd be really thinking about how I was going to get high tonight. and the mind start working once I got the package for tonight. Until

then, I didn't settle all fucking day. So why did you quit then? Why, I quit what? Doing drugs. I don't know. I don't know how it happened. All I know is that this is what happens

to your mind. You really think people don't know. Okay. So at the beginning, maybe you're functioning? No, you're always functioning. Okay. I was a functioning addict all the way the last day. I shot a fucking movie with killers. That's true. I'm doing a package every night, and the longest short.

I snorted gram and a half a night when I was doing long as yard. That's a lot of fucking COVID. To 4, 5 in the morning, 3 in the morning, and I'd just go in high. I'd take a nap in the morning when I got there. I knew I wasn't shooting first. And I'd take a little nap for an hour, and then I'd fucking, that's why I got so big

up to 418. Because when you don't sleep, your body doesn't burn that fat, so you put on weight like it's going out of fucking style. But there's a thing called functioning addicts and functioning alcoholics. There's people that do drugs and can't do dick. There's people that shoot $10, $20,000 worth

of heroin a day and hold down a job and you'll never know they're addicted. You'll never know, Lee, unless you look in their fingers or in their toenails or they try, they shoot heroin maybe in their fucking back of their legs. Oh my God. I'm so glad that was never

my thing. It scares me. I'm very happy. You're not fucking easily impressed either, my friend. You're a smart young kid. But a lot of guys your rates didn't get high that I know. A lot of kids, you know, I don't know. I just... I think a lot of kids are more probably drink, like drink too heavily, as opposed to, like, her.

Like, I don't know. I don't think I know anyone who did heroin. Me, I probably do, I guess, the statistics are, like, a college. Now, when you went to college, were you a drinker at all? No. Well, I didn't really like the kids in my college, so I hung out with kids from home. If I was going to go out to drink, I got drunk, because I didn't see the point of just going out to have, like, one or two drinks. But I probably did that once every month, once every two, a couple of times a month.

I was never, it always blew my mind when, like, my roommate would go out Thursday through Sunday. And I was like, I could not. I've never, drinking has never been that fun for me. And when I get drunk, I have fun, but then, like, the next day, like, you always feel like some sort of shit. Drinking and doing drugs was always fun for me. I can't lie to you. Really? I couldn't.

And I don't drink, but the drugs were there. The drugs were available, so the alcohol available was available. That's the only thing that takes the edge off. So I might as well drink. But I could drink when there was drugs involved. I didn't like how I felt. But I did it. I did all that shit against my cut all those years.

I didn't like how it made me felt. I don't like how alcohol makes me feel at all. I like the taste of a couple fucking things, but not all of them. Right, yeah. That taste of alcohol has always bothered me as a young man, whatever I drink. Whether it's blackberry brandy, whether it's fucking whiskey, I'll tolerate it if I'm doing blow. or if I've never, like a couple weeks ago, was looking at my friend's kids' Facebook page.

And he's 20, he's in college, and his Facebook page was just covered with alcohol stuff. Like, we're going drinking, you know, we're going this place skiing, and you saw the amount of booze they bought. Their lifestyle was around drinking, which I think a little wear off after college. That's what they have. What's what you hope, yeah?

You know, I don't know. I was never that crazy about the drinking part of it. I can't sit at a bar. I can't fucking sit at a bar. When people come up to me after a comedy show and they go, hey man, we're going to be in the bar across the street. You're going to swing by it. Listen, guy, that's the last thing I want to fucking do.

You'll never see me at a bar after a comedy show. I just don't have use for it. I never did. I never really had use for any bar. And would you ever, like, sit down while, like, one of the airport bars and have a drink or have a drink on the plane? No. Oh, I would drink on the plane.

Like an outdoor drink? Fuck yeah What do you have? I always have a white Russian Oh shit If I get upgraded to first class Fuck yeah I'll fucking get through a white Russian

When I got the free drinks from Southwest Applying business class Like if Joe Rogan takes me on the road Or I shot that thing They gave me a business class You get a free drink coupon I'll fucking drink I'll do one drink

But I do a fucking appetizer drink I do a faggy drink I'll do an amaretto I like my Russians With Ice Cube, I do a white rush and with a little bit of Coca-Cola in it, a Colorado Bulldog, whatever the fuck. You ever have a white rush with Coca-Cola in it? No. Oh, my God.

How much Coca-Cola? Just a splash. Just a little splash up on top. I'll try that. That sounds good. Fucking delicious. I like Amoreto and Dinger Oil. That's like my girly drink.

Really? It's super sweet. Like, you can just put it straight down. That is fucking horribly. I like Amaretto milk with a Valium. A nice 10-millimeter valium. You sleep like a four. fucking baby, Lisa, yeah.

I already do sleep like a baby with this stuff. It's funny, I started missing Fidel today. I found one of the cards. My main man sent me over here. Bob Lellinger, my main man from fucking Chicago, Bob Lellinger, whatever his fucking name is. I can't even dare.

You know who you are, Bob. What's that? I said he knows who he is. Really? Yeah, he must know who he is. Yeah, he's a good guy. Him and his family are from Chicago. They're going to go see me up with him

and the other Xenis, but they all got shirts. They're great people. And they sent me a card. When Fidel first died, I forgot to thank them. And I put the card on the wall, and I saw the card today, and I really missed Fidel. It's crazy.

We went to get custard at that place next to Jersey. Mike's with Mercy after she went swimming today. And she got a brain freeze. And me and my wife looked at each other and started freezing, because Fidel would always get brain freezes when he needed ice cream. You gave Fidel ice cream? He loved ice cream. My wife got like a Sunday or something.

He loved ice cream. So, uh, fucking hilarious. What would he do when he got a brain freeze? He would just, his eyes would blink for about six minutes. He'd make, like, a little cat noise.

Like, what? Something like that. And you guys would just share ice cream with him? That's so nice. Yeah, sometimes you get like a vanilla ice cream and he comes up and he would be relentless

when you ever had food. Whenever he had fucking food, the cat would just be relentless. So he jumped up and I'd give him a little. a couple of fucking licks of his ice cream. Cut that down, please. No, we're going deep. That toy, that thing is stale.

Did we have like 250? That still doesn't mean anything. No, fuck, fucking 250. There's no calories if it's stale? What fucking 250. 250? It was no 250 there. That shit wore down.

We had left it there for two weeks. You're not even high yet. We've been doing it now. You're not even high. I'm not high yet. Look at me. I got a little high on the weed, but that was it. Nothing.

You're high. No, I'm not. We'll split this and that's it. We're done for the wheat. I won't see. see it till Monday? Well, that's just because I wouldn't get to see you anyways. Fucking June 2nd Monday.

Can you believe that? No, I can't. Premiere of Trip Flip, 8 o'clock. Look at that. You went deep this week, Lee? I went super deep. I had two stars last night. Two stars Monday.

But I couldn't believe you. How much I missed that fucking cat. And I miss Sissy. Don't get me wrong. I just, Vidal, I was more... Sissy wouldn't talk to me. Really? In the beginning, when I was doing cocaine,

Cissy wouldn't mix with me at all. I picked her up early on when she was a kitten. She scratched me. Right off the back, she scratched me in the arm. I bled for a little while, I never fucked with her again. And then for a, you know, after a while, she's my cat, and she lives in the house of me, but she wouldn't even come close to me. And about a month after I stopped doing blow, is when she started coming around me.

Oh, okay. I had that cat for five years before that cat came close to me. Six years. The vibe you put in off? Didn't like the energy from the cocaine. Something just wasn't right for that fucking cat. He would not, she would not mess with me. And I loved that cat with all my heart.

I don't know what the fuck it was, but it happens. I learned a lot. I learned a lot from her. I learned how bad cocaine really was if a cat could feel its energy. And then I started thinking about one of that nights as I started getting more cats when I would have the cocaine out and I'd do the coke, how the cats would disappear. They didn't like it.

that energy. They really fucking didn't. Finney liked it because he was a Coke fiend, but the rest of those cats really didn't like the energy. It just goes to let you know that they're aware to something. You know, cats come to life. What's the animal? They come to... Nectarnal. So once I get back in the comedy

store at night, that's when they're rocking a row, and they're on the floor spinning on their back. They're fucking giggling, you know. They're funny. You're funny cats. I do have very... I'm very fucking lucky, Lee. I'm very lucky that don't have any problems with my cats and I always gave him so much love from the beginning. You know, today I was walking out and I saw Harry there and I picked him up and I picked him

Jimmy and I rubbed him real hard and I gave him a kiss and I'm putting him down. He's like, wow. You know, and I go outside. When I come back, I hear something ruffling in the curtains. Yeah. And I turn from outside. I'm smoking a bowl on the balcony and I look in and it's Finney looking for me. Dimmy and I come back in and I pick him up and he's like, wow, like he wanted to play, you know.

have a good time with my cats. I really let them know how much I love them. I try to brush them alternate days, like the girls on one day and the boys on one day. I brush them a lot. I'm always giving them attention. I don't understand having an animal you're not going to give attention to. Right. I never

really understood that. So I always try to give them as much attention as I can. When I see an animal on the street, I try to give it attention if it's fucking lost. There's some animals that don't want to be bothered to. Yeah, there's one mean cat in your neighborhood who, like, attack my leg once? Oh, yeah, he's gone. He's gone. He's gone. Yeah, Captain Pete. He's gone.

Captain Pete. And then Henry, O. Henry. Okay. That was another bad motherfucker that got on my roof one time and started hitting the glass with his paw. My cats were going to fucking kill him. And I had to go outside and throw water at him. And then the people around the corner adopted him.

Oh, okay. And they got him fixed. And now he's just a big, fat, bushy cat that doesn't move from that window. Oh, wow. Because when you neuter him, it changes them completely. It takes that testosterone out of their bodies. That's what I mean?

older cats, their heads get so fucking square and big because they keep fucking growing. That testosterone makes their fucking head get thick. It's like a, it becomes like a fucking block filled with fucking testosterone and shit. A lot of douchebags always say like,

oh, my dogs, my kid, or my pets or my kids. You had your cats for a while. They basically turned into basically your kids for those few years. Listen, if you have an animal when you go to a fucking pound and you adopt that dog, you make a commitmently

and that commitment's a big commitment that's why people look at animals it's not a car it's not a bicycle for three years it's not a fucking rental it's not an iPhone that they're gonna come out with a six this is it

so when you look at that dog's eyes and that dog looks at your eyes this is it you're making a commitment to that dog do you travel a lot do you live in a fucking box are you doing that dog any justice in my world as long as you get that animal love, you're doing that animal justice.

Because love is what they want. Love is what. Exercise is also important. So you have to think about it. Am I going to take this dog out three times a week? Where do I live? Let me look at my fucking neighborhood. So it's going to be shitting grass all day. Am I going to pick it up every fucking day? These are the things that people don't think out. Do I want to wear a kitten and pick a warm shit when it's still warm out of the dog's

ass? I'm putting in a bag and walk a mile with that shit walking next to me? Who the fuck wants to do that? I don't. No. But if you love a dog and that's what you want, that's a commitment you make. When I took those cats in, man, every time my wife talks about a vacation,

she knows I don't like it. I don't like it at all, but I have to do them now with the baby. I don't like leaving those cats. There's an earthquake. Yeah, you'll be there, you'll stop by, Juan or stop by. It's not the same.

It's not the same. I know how they are and they know how I am. And I know when something's bothering them. I know those cats so fucking, well. I know when they're not right. I know when something's bothering them. I told my wife last week, there's something wrong with Superbad. What do you mean? I go, every time he sees me, either he did something or something's not right, because Superbad is my cat. But every time he sees me and I walk in, he shoots to the kitchen. I haven't done nothing to him. Something's bad

with Superbad. Something's wrong with Superbad. What do you think? My wife's like, I don't know what you're talking about. Sure enough. Sad. Saturday morning. I talked to my wife and we're talking about something. Then later on she goes, oh, I didn't want to tell you because it was too early. I had to take Superbad to the vet. He had his abscess swole up in his head. She got up the one morning. Superbad came crying to her. His head looked like he got hit in the head with a hammer. He had what you had in the eye, the sty only in his mouth. Oh, fuck. You got to take him to the vet and fucking drain his fucking tooth. And now when the infection goes away, they got to pull his tooth. I knew something was wrong with him.

That's how much I know my cats I know their walk I know their mannerisms I know when they hide behind something something's up I know how they react with an earthquake's coming now Really? Yeah 20 minutes before 10 minutes before

15 minutes before They start crossing each other It's the weirdest thing you've ever seen Like an X? And I saw it three times They start we're getting restless And they walk back and forth But they would cross

It's really weird what they do So now I know when there's going to be an earthquake. I mean, I have to really be paying attention and be thinking about it. But I could tell when something's going to happen. If there's a full moon, something like that, they act fucking weird. It's amazing how you get to know your

animals. And if you don't know your fucking animals, then you're not paying enough attention to them. It's like anything else that lives in your fucking house. You have to pay attention to them, you know? I always feel bad when I see like a big celebrity or like a teenage, like singer getting a dog. I'm like, what the

fuck? Where's that dog going to live? Well, sometimes people confuse money for love, and that's the bad thing with an animal. Like, I'll give him a bed, and I'll dress him up and put a magician's hat on him, and he'll feel love. A fucking animal should not have a magician's fucking hat on him, okay? You don't have...

I'm going to years from now, when they go into the fucking dog mind, there's not going to be a dog that's going to say, wow, I can't wait to get out of the pound so I can put on a fucking magician's hat, a cape, and go to some fucking party with a bunch of fucking Gentiles looking at me. There's no fucking dog.

No chihuahuas. No Mexican dog wants to dress up in a fucking tuxedo And go to a fucking party dressed up. They don't. But these Gentiles, they got a lot of money, and that's a way to do it. I can never dress up in my cats. Where are they going to go? When are they put up a dress-up in my cat? They got their own fucking personality. Cats weren't made to... When was the last time you seen a fucking lion with a dress-out and the fucking Sarangetti,

whatever the fuck they call it, right or wrong? I know. I agree. A lot of people love it, though. There's famous dogs on Instagram. And Twitter, it's crazy. Like, they have, like, FedEx sponsoring them and Pepsi, and they make millions of dollars. It's crazy. That's amazing. Yeah, I know.

And who spends the fucking money? The dog? What's the dog do? Go to Europe? No, but it's a people who love, they like looking at dog pictures. And I get it. They're really cute, but it's... I love looking at dogs, too.

I love action. I love hugging dogs. I love petting dogs. I don't want to see no dog dressed up like the fucking, the village people. You know, a mailman, a construction guy. I don't need that. They have a lot of stuff now. It's fucking crazy, isn't it?

That you have that much money and that have much time to dress up your fucking dog. It's amazing how they misused the service dog in this country. Yeah. They got to find the fucking loophole. Every time I fly, I got to fly with a young couple, some chick that looks like she sucked 80 dicks with a fucking dog that's going to save her life and make her feel stable. When she's blowing guys, she ain't that, you know, it just drives me fucking crazy. Yeah, that part of it isn't cool. But on the flip side, because I just dealt with it with the dog I got.

But especially here in LA, I don't know if it's everywhere. Apartments make it super hard for you to have your dog. So, like, I think they just found a way to get around it, and they wouldn't be bringing them on the plane if they could just have a dog at their apartment, like an adult. I get that you want to keep your apartment nice, but we're all putting a deposit down, and you never get all of it back. So, like, it's almost impossible to find a place that you can get a dog.

And, like, what if you had a pit bull? You're never going to find an apartment that takes those. Really? Almost no one, yeah, it's super hard. And I get it, there's a lot of angry ones on, like, the mean ones, but there's also, like, super sweet ones. When I went to the pound to go look for dogs. All of them are pit bull. Almost, they're rows of them.

All of them. It's fucking sad. Mixed with other dogs, a pit bull, mixed with a wolf, a pit bull, mixed with a bat. It's like, I think before you get a pipel, you should take a fucking GED examination. That's what I think. I don't think you know the potential of the pit bull. You know, Joe loved Frank. Joe Rogan.

Joe Rogan. Oh, my God. Frank Sinatra was a great dog. His name was Frank Sinatra? Yeah, beautiful. He was a great pedigree dog. He was a loving dog. He was big.

The worst thing Frank would do to you would lick you to death. I mean, the worst thing Frank would do to you would lick you to death. But when he saw another dog, there was no controlling him. And I was there for a Fourth of July party. That was fucking horrible. You had a sick of... And once the dog bit into another dog, you had to stick a finger up his ass

to loosen his jaws. This was crazy. You know, when all that stuff went down with Joe's dogs, I spoke to him on a plane, and I was really upset about Frank, but he told me, he goes, I got to tell you something, man,

I missed Frank, but it was a big stress off my shoulders. It really was a big stress on it. Yeah. Because people are just, I do not hate a dog. If you came to me right now with a dog, I wouldn't care what breed it would be if it needed help.

I would open them arms into my house because love is love. The dog's eyes are the dog's eyes. But you always got to be careful with those dogs that bite people. Let's get this straight. Any dog could bite anybody. Any dog. I've been bit by everything. Some of the meanest dogs are chihuahuas.

A chihuahuas and those little mut-looking motherfuckers that'll bite you. But with a pit bull, man, it's like a gun. They just have more capable built. Like they can get more. It's like a gun. So I understand how it makes people nervous. I got to tell you something. When it was just me and Mercy,

me and Terry, if it's a pit bull, I'm not going to worry. But when I see Mercy, I don't need her getting bit by her fucking dogs. You got to put that dog on the leash. Yeah. Because I will shoot you. I will shoot that fucking dog and wait for the cops.

And I will sell my fucking soul. I'm not going to go to jail. You cannot have those dogs. It makes people uncomfortable. You have to be smart. And I love pit bulls. But why would you... There's guys like, my dog's not going to do nothing.

Listen, I know he's not. But just for fucking the sake of argument, put the fucking leash on him. Yeah. Because you're making people nervous. That's just common sense. I know you want to out fucking think everybody. But let me tell you what's going to happen, you dummy.

You don't have a dime. You don't have a dime to your fucking name. You work two jobs. You got this pit bull. You're giving them gunpowder. When you're fucking, whatever the fuck you're trying to do to them, One day he's going to break out, and there's going to be a little boy playing on your corner that doesn't deserve to get bit. And your stupid fucking dog, who I know doesn't bite nobody.

Doesn't bite nobody. He's going to bite that kid's arm more. And that kid's going to live, every time he sees a dog, he's going to shit his pants. You're too stupid to understand that. Some people are too stupid to understand that fucking notion. But it's true. So when you get those dogs, you really have to think it out. And listen, you give that dog a ton of love.

I agree with you. A ton of love you'd give a pit bull or any other, those doleman pinches. You know, 20 years ago, it wasn't the fucking pit bull. What was it? 20 years ago, no, the pit bull came around like in the early 80s was when I started seeing. My friend had a pit bull in 85, Topaz. You know how Topaz died?

Great fucking dog. You know how he died? He chewed on the refrigerator wire. And he electrocuted himself. Great fucking dog. Smart than shit. One day he just chewed on the fucking refrigerator wire, electric you to himself. Jesus Christ.

Okay, so that was 84, 85. When I went back to New York in 94, and a guy one night was trying to be cool in my neighborhood. Like, I worked for Hashway. I was broke, and I worked for my friend delivering sandwiches. And this guy was trying to, I don't know, when people were trying to be cool, or I don't know what he was trying to do, but he was explaining to me what he did to his dog to make him bite people.

What? And after like the fourth minute, I go, you got to stop this conversation, brother. I got a lot of respect for you. I don't mean to be a fucking rude asshole, but I don't want to hear this. You're training a dog to bite people. You're not a millionaire. You're not a drug dealer. You're not a fucking diamond cutter.

You're not a judge. You have nothing. You are nothing to have this dog to want to bite people. What if this dog bite somebody? Are you liable for this fucking... No world, you know, they shouldn't be fucking around on my block. You're blocked. You block. You live with your mother in the basement.

And it's your grandmother's fucking house. But that's the mentality. And, you know, that's the way. You have to think that out. That this dog, all right, he's going to, maybe he won't bite the kid. Maybe he'll bite him in the leg and that kid won't be able to deal with dogs for a little while. After I got bit in the face by a German Shepherd, I didn't deal with dogs well for a long time. How could you?

I didn't deal with them at all. Fucking, I was scared shitless every time I saw a fucking dog. So how did we get on a conversation about dogs? I have no idea, man. Talking about fucking Katzia. There you go. I don't know. It's my fucking Fidel.

Do you ever think, yeah, do you ever think about Finney or any of it? Because, I mean, was it hard? Because you did a joke about that for a while. So you had to think about them like every night. Was that hard or was it? Do you like it? I still think about Finney.

I still think about Crystal. Did I even know Crystal? No. One of the biggest pains in my life was when my mother died. Wasn't really my mother dying. It was Crystal. Crystal was a dog I got maybe six months or seven months before my mother died. And I was so in love with the dog, Crystal T8, the drug, Crystal T.H.C., which is really angel dusty and drag.

That's all Crystal T.C was that I named the dog Crystal. And, you know, the house was just a, my stepfather was gone. It was just me and my mom. And it was just me and this dog. And I loved this dog. I would play with the dog. I'd sleep with the dog. I'd walk the dog.

The dog used to kill Maloney's roosters up the corner for me. I think two times Mr. Maloney came with my dog, and he said, your dog killed one of my chickens. You know, I had my dog in the yard. I love Crystal. Crystal was, I don't even ask me what type of dog she was. She was like a lab and something else mixed. She was just a beautiful little tiny dog, and she was white,

and she had yellow and black spots on her. That's why I called the Crystal, because Crystal was a white powder, but they had like little black spots like vanilla ice cream from Briars ice cream you know what I'm saying so I picked up this dog and I fucking loved her and I walked her and I slept with her and my mother boiled bones to take the fat

out of the bones to put on the dog food and my mom had the thing in the refrigerator and I would feed it every night and then my mom died and I had this dog and I didn't know what to do so one of my mom's I couldn't take it to the Bender's house and one of my mom's friends said I'll take them and you come up there and visit him you know

and it was fucking heartbreakingly. I would walk, I would go out with my friends, get drunk, and then jump her fence on 51st Street just to sit in a dog house and play with the dog. And then, like, one night she came out like at 3 in the morning, she caught me out there crying. And she goes, what the fuck are you doing out here? I'm not, and I just, I come over here every night when I'm out,

and I jump the fence and play with this dog. And I always had a dream that I was going to get that dog somewhere, like in high school, and my father would give me money that belonged to my mother. But I go get that dog and provide a yard for that dog in the house. And never happened. I don't know what happened to that dog. Somebody said that they saw Nina, the girl who took it years later,

and he said he jumped over the fence, he got hit by a call. So I always lived with this guilt about Crystal. Crystal is always, I still remember what she looks like. There's times I see dogs and I think of Crystal and it fucking eats my insides up. That's why I'm so good to my cats. That's why I always, every day that I'm alive, I always say, you know, I think if, as I'm going, floating into the universe, wherever the fuck your soul goes into, I think beside missing some of my friends,

I'm going to think of my fucking cats. I would, because I want to think what's going to happen. I mean, when Marilyn died, they had to put her cats to sleep. I couldn't do nothing with her cats. She had six fucking cats like I did. And they were all really overweight, and Marilyn didn't take care of them. But I remember Dave calling me and saying, I'm going to put four down and keep two.

There was one cat that lived in the litter box because Marilyn was really sick, so she stopped looking after them and stuff. And I always thought of that moment. I was going to imagine if I died doing blow all these cats. My wife can't handle these cats by herself. I was going to have to give them away. And these cats are going to live with that thing.

That was part of all these things were the things I thought about when I quit doing Coke, Lee. I didn't just quit doing Coke. I put myself in the worst position I could. What if I just die? What if my wife wakes me up? Well, if my wife wakes up in the middle of the night to go pee, and there I am on the floor with a ring around my arm,

from my arm being black and blue from dying, your heart blows up, whatever happens? Jesus. When you have a massive heart attack. That's what happens. You find somebody in their arm is purple. And you're like, what? And their neck is purple and shit from the explosion in that fucking heart.

Could you handle that? So I thought about that. I thought about what would happen to my cats. Okay, what if my wife? wife didn't find me and I died in a hotel room on the road. Fucking peeped pop to come in and drag you out of there. I got to pack your clothes, my sleep apnea machine. Fuck you.

I ain't doing blow no more. Someone has to pack your sleep apnea machine. Fuck yeah. See little snots in the mask and shit from the night before. Fuck you. That was part of the reason why I quit doing blow. But back to the dog crystal. That killed me for years.

Killed me. And I remember when I went to a, when I was in a halfway house, in Boulder, they caught me doing blow one time. They made me go to an outpatient halfway house. And that was like the first time I had thought about Crystal. I had been like seven years. I remember I got really sad for a few days because I always thought like I left Crystal out there.

I never left Crystal. I had to get rid of Crystal. I couldn't take it where I was going. I was 16 years old. I couldn't afford my own apartment. Nobody was going to give me money to paying my own rent and keep Crystal and half the things I had to give up. You know, so you live and you fucking learn,

least I am, but that's why I'm a good pet owner now. And then Hercules. I had Hercules from fucking day one. Really? Yeah, my friend George Carobotsis came in Hercules. You never met George Carobotsis. He was a guy up in Aspen, Colorado. My friend had a dog named Sarge.

My friend George Berkel had a dog named Sarge, and he left with a chick, and he gave me and his brother Sarge. Then his brother said, I can't take care of. Sard's, you take Sards. So my wife, at the time, Jackie's mother, really liked Sard. He was an Austrian Shepherd, and we really played with... We had Sarge for about a year and a half. And one day, George came back, and he goes, I want the dog back.

I didn't really like the guy, and I didn't really want to fucking go back and forth from him. So I gave him the dog back, and my wife still missed a dog at the time. Who she was my girlfriend at the time? So I told my friend George, and he gave me this beautiful... Sherpard named Hercules. I named him Hercules. And I had Hercules from 1986 when he was a puppy to 1994. And then

I gave him to my friend to hold for three days. I go, take him for three days. I'm going to New York and I'll be back. I'm going to do comedy. This is when I first got into comedy. A friend of mine set up a gig. And when I came back, I go, where's the dog? And he goes, your wife came over and said, you called her. I said, you called her. I said, to come take the dog. I never saw that dog again. No. Yeah, Hercules is my German shepherd. So trust me, when I

when I make commitments this last time with the cats, I made commitments, I made sure that shit wasn't going to happen to me. If my marriage breaks up, I lose my cats. It would kill me. It would kill me. I love my fucking cats. I love that that's your reasoning, though. I can't break up because of the cats. You know, I don't think when I was 20s and my 30s, I didn't think things out. when I did things I shouldn't have done.

You know, because when you do stupid things, you hurt people around you. But sometimes it goes deeper than that. It goes into your animals. It goes into, you know, it goes into so much. You go to jail. What are you going to do with your fucking cats? Yeah.

You're going to take your cats with you and shit? Fuck no. CSNBC will give you cats 10 years later. And they'll bring them to the jail, but they ain't the fucking cat you left behind, or the dog you left behind. Did you ever run into dog fighting when you were out? Did you ever like experience that?

Because I just read another article this week and it's just so terrible. Is it still going on? Yeah. Where? Like south. It's really big in the south. So Michael Vicks cousins are at it. Oh yeah, they kept up with the cow.

Oh no, what'd you read about it? This dude was making them run on treadmills. And then I've just like I've seen all the shows where they talk about like they have ones that they just like the weak ones, they just throw in the middle to train them. And then they, I don't know, it's just all terrible. So like it's like the other end of the spectrum. I'm like how could you do that to an animal?

I didn't know if you ever saw it when you were like out. No, I never, I saw chickens. Really? On 100 fucking 40th, 35th Street. Was that scary? I didn't even react to it. I'm scared of chickens, so I don't want to talk with them. What do I get it for?

You don't like chickens? Hell no. What do they do to you? I just, you know, they just got claws and shit and their fucking feathers all over the place. They're just unstable when you touch them. I just don't want to, you know, When I grab you, I want you to hang out.

I don't want you to fucking try to get away. And who's got a pet chicken? You got a chicken to kill a chicken to make soup, right? Nobody hangs out to a pet. You never see nobody walking their fucking chicken down the block to you? I think Rogan has chickens. Yeah, but he kills him. They lay eggs, they think.

Oh, okay. I don't fucking know. I don't want to talk to him about his chickens. I never even like those chickens. No, I just don't have no use to them. They scared the shit out of the chickens. All those fucking birds, roosters, chickens, eagles. They just got a creepy fucking look to them.

hanging around. I mean, if I have to have a chicken around for Santeria purposes, I ain't got to cut the head off. I have somebody else cut the fucking hell. Did you ever do that? Like, actually have a live chicken that you had to kill? Oh, fuck yeah. I shit my pants. I can't do that stuff. I can't kill no. Paul's mom did it once, he said, and it was terrifying. I can't kill no fuck.

I have friends fucking, they just ripped the chicken's head off. They bleed on the saints and shit. I can't do that. That's too deep for me. It's funny when I was a kid, I wouldn't fucking react to it that much. But then as I got older in the Santeria. I didn't like it. I just walk out of the room. Fuck that shit, killing animals in front of me.

Then they want to serve them to you. Like, later on, they want to cook them and give them to you. Like, I just saw this motherfucker alive an hour ago. I'm going to eat them now. Fuck you. Yeah, I couldn't do that either. I ain't got that type of fucking patience, Lisa, yeah? I'm going to Oklahoma City. You excited? Yeah, I am excited. I like traveling again, man. Even though if it's fucking for one day. I like it. I like talking to these people on Twitter.

really enjoy myself. It's a cycle now, you know. It's not like doing regular comedy. I know half these fucking people from Twitter. You guys should introduce yourself with your Twitter name. Because when you say like Hi, I'm Pete, and then you're like, oh, I'm at this, like, that's what I know you by. So it's like, it's crazy whenever you meet new Twitter

people. It's always so much fun. They'll say hi, I'm Joe, but I'm really XP940. You're like, holy fuck, how fucking cool is that? So I go to Oklahoma City this week and Denver next week. That's fun. So I'm excited about that. And then I got a couple weeks off. But Denver's going to be cool because it's like an anniversary

of getting kicked out? Yeah, 20 fucking years. I left Denver June 30 at the sum, 1995, 95, like July, something like there, something in June. Do you think like the first time you walk up on stage, you're going to like get fucked up a little bit? No. No, you don't

think so? No. I don't get emotional like that, you know? You don't? Because you remember all these dates? You're really, you're a sentimental. a person, I think more than most. I remember shitty dates, so I remember them. I remember where I was that day. I like to remember shitty parts of my life to keep, it's like having a

compass. It's like, you know where you are, you know? Like when people go, oh, I'm having a bad day, and I go, you know what? Two years ago today, I was having a bad day. This ain't bad. I'm eating, I'm swimming, I'm having a good fucking time. A lot of people, I save it as a meter

in my life, you know, so. That is right. You don't really have that many happy ones. I mean they might have been fun, but it's much... June of 8 of 95, I left Colorado. And I left because the kid, I was going to get into trouble there with the ex-wife, something was going to happen. But the

real reason was I got thrown out of the comedy works. Listen, man, if you want to run with the big boys, you've got to run with the big boys. And that time it was Witsend-McKalvey's in the suburbs of Denver, and you had a club in Colorado Springs or some shit. But they weren't the fucking comedy works, bro. At the comedy works,

you're working with top-notch fucking people every week, you know? Especially when you're starting, you get to work with these guys, then watch them and talk to them and ask them a question or two, and it molds who you are. You know, it just gives you answers, you know? You see different styles of comedy every week, you know? So for me to get thrown out of there,

it was like, I had nothing. I got no fucking relationship with my child, really. I'm killing myself. I'm living like a dog. I'm doing fucking, I'm living on crime. I'm doing crime 24-7, except for the check I was getting on the first of the month for money I'd put away from the sports betting service. I think I was making a living.

I was delivering Chinese food, but I was selling blow at the same time and doing comedy and fucking selling pills. So something was going to happen. And when I got the call from her in like April saying, you banned, that's it. I was like, what am I doing? So the only reason I live in Boulder, because the top money I was going to make and that field and any field was going to be like maybe 12, 12, 50 an hour. That's it. I felt like an old guy in a college town. You know, those old guys in a college, that's what I felt like. So nothing was

working out. So why am I doing here? I'm fighting with somebody that I'm going to end up fucking doing something to really bad, and then I'm not going to have any dream. Right now I have a dream to be a comic, and I have the chance of a lifetime. I just got thrown out of the top club. I have nothing holding me down here. All I have to do is get to a market that has to be a market that has a lot of comedy. And also when I meet a girl, she moves to Seattle. Seattle had a ton of fucking comedy. So sometimes, even if you don't want to do something,

the window opens and you have to take the fucking opportunity. Were you disappointed at all at the beginning? Because, like, it seems like your first reaction would be like, fuck, I'm fuck now. And, like, not a lot of people make that just like, oh, it could be a positive thing. I'll tell you something. I'm writing this book,

And I think about some of the things I did that I think were bad. If I tell you something, I've never fucking told you or any people who listen to this show, a cop-out. But I got to tell you something. I figured out that I remembered writing something about 1985. I was writing about how I acted. If you look at my behavior, I don't have the time to sit here right now and to tell you all the fucking things I did. But if you look at my behavior, it was to leave and never come back. like I wanted something to happen to force me that I never had to come back

you know what I'm saying like you want to leave but never come back I wanted to make fucking sure I never came back to this fucking hell all fuck you know so that's why I did have the fucking craziness I did in Boulder I never wanted to leave I never wanted to leave Boulder bro you like it that much I liked it I liked my life there I like the people Listen, man, I was lying to myself I was doing drugs but I was taking care of myself I was really working out hard I was running I was breathing in the hills

I wasn't smoking cigarettes I wasn't doing shit I really had a great life there But the reminder was that I got arrested there That was never going to go away That feeling of I got arrested here Everybody knows me but they don't know me For nothing good They know me for something bad

Now I'm gonna sit here and prove them I'm not really a kidnabber, but I'm still doing blow every fucking day. I wasn't getting nowhere. The kid, I loved the kid. The kid was my life, but they were taking my life away from me, so I had to make a choice. And comedy was the only fucking answer. You know, somebody asked me the other day what I thought about John Jones

and that whole situation. And I love John. I've had a couple meets with him where I've laughed, and we've talked about New York or his brothers in football, fear of the black planet, public enemy and all that type of stuff. And I love John. And I can't say any harsh words for John.

Jones. Because I know that eventually the fighting will mean more to him than whenever he's going through. I'm really lucky. I'm not lucky because I'm sitting here with you, Lee. I'm not lucky because I have a podcast with you. That's great.

I'm not lucky because I have a daughter now. I have a second chance. I'm not lucky, have a beautiful wife. I'm lucky that I found some that overpowered. the drugs. A lot of people don't find something like that, Lee. They never fucking do. I found something that made me go, wait a second.

This is me starting all over again. For you to start doing something, what it pushes you to do something. These guys suck. I could do this just as good at these guys. Finally, one day, after I got the longest yard and a bunch of other shit, I sat there one day in 2006

and said, look at these people that are doing fucking great things. They're not even that fucking good. Could you Imagine if I stopped fucking getting high where we'd be, and this is where we are today. I have my daughter today because I stopped getting high. I met you because I stopped getting high. We have a great podcast. We're going on 290 episodes.

You think I could have met for the first year and a half? I would have showed up here at 20 to 6, sober and ready to do a podcast. I would have left you here 10 times by now if I was still doing blow at 6 in the morning. I would have left you here a ton of times by yourself. Jesus. I wouldn't even have called because that would be too paranoid. to call you. So that's how lucky I am I got off this shit. That's fucked up.

We're very lucky, man. And that's all I pray for for John Jones. That he loves fighting more than he loves party. But it's possible that he won't. Like it's possible that he'd just go deep into the party. There's a lot of people

who do. Listen, man, let me tell you something. There's nobody who's intelligent that wouldn't weigh the options like John Jones. There's a lot of people who fall for it. They really... For you to stop doing anything bad, you really have to see something good. And a lot of people don't see the good. When I was 25, if you came to me and had this conversation with you,

immediately I'd probably shoot you. Because I saw nothing good in my life. So the only way to get rid of the bad stuff is to see good things, and then you do a little couple more good things. Oh, should, I did this pretty good. Let me do this, let me do this, let me do this. But I guess it depends on what you consider good, because most people would think being UFC champion,

and being a millionaire would be good. No, for some people just getting up in the morning and going to work and not killing somebody's good, and they know it. And when they get back home, when they put the fucking key in to twist it, they're like, I get back home without fucking getting into an altercation or doing this or calling somebody a con to doing that. You know, Lee, it's true. Some people that have a hard time keep it together without a drink or whatever the fuck it is.

So you have to pray that you find one good thing. and you know I never had shit that was good but little by little I started accumulating things I mean Terry was a big part of it Terry came into my life 15 years ago this July July 1st

I mean I met her like two weeks before and we dated and went to like jack in the box and giggled and shit I would break her balls but we got serious and we went to Lake Havasu together at Dukami and the car broke down with Finney that's how much she loved that kitten she goes I'll go to Lake

Lake Havasu with you, but I'm bringing my cat. I ain't going to know without my fucking cat. Was she doing comedy or she just came to leave you? She just came to drive me and to, we went out to date, to Lake Havasu. I was going to say it up. She did. That was mine and her first, like, I don't know, because we had gone out to dinner. We had met a couple times and just

had a few cocktails and just talked and shit and swapped spit. It was nothing seriously. You know? And then you're on the way to Lake Havasu. And then we're on the way to Lake Havasu. Because the feature act I was doing it with, didn't want to go. sick. So I couldn't blow

the gig. It was like $500 and I was making rent money. So I go, you got to do me a fare. You got to drive me to Lake Havasor. And she's like, are you fucking serious? I go, you got no work? What are you going to do? It ain't shit to do. Let's do something. So you went to Lake Havas and the car almost blew up. The cat

got out of the box and got them underneath a gas pedals. Oh, no. Yeah, it was fucking a nightmare. Yeah. I can never imagine that now. Just because all the conversations we have, if I told you I was going to go anywhere with Paula and an animal in the car,

you would yell at me for 34 minutes. I didn't fucking know. I didn't fucking know until I got there. She's like, that I tell you, I'm taking the cat. I can't leave him here alone. I'm like a fucking cat. And then we brought him into the hotel room when we saw the air of the fans. He fucking ran up on the closet.

He went to jump on the closet and he fell. It was a nightmare. My wife wouldn't leave the room, so I had to go do the gig by myself. and I came back and she's petting Finney and I'm like, oh, I'm not going to get none tonight because she's with this fucking cat. Oh yeah, my wife loved that fucking cat. That's how much she loved the cat.

She's like, I'll go with you, but I'm bringing the fucking cat with me. And she brought the fucking kitten. He was like 10 months old, maybe. Oh, no way. And he was crazy. Just running everywhere? In the car, in the fucking Dodge running everywhere. She had to dodge something.

Some type of Dodge, dart. I don't fucking... Oh, like one of the small one? Yeah, like a four-door car. Who the fuck knows what it was? Yeah, bro, when I take you on a date, I take you on a fucking day, Lee. We go to Lake Havasu. Not in style, but we went to Lake Havasu.

It was one of those fucking things. So it was funny last night. We were talking with your buddy, Zach. Yeah. From V-Mack, who was one of the first guys that really was the guy that he's a big guy. So as soon as I got to V-Mack, they gave me him, and he would teach me stuff. And I thought about him last night when I went home. You know, he came to the show.

He's a great kid. Yeah, he's nice. And he's just a young kid, and you're his age. And it's funny how last night I was telling you that it's a good idea if you go fuck around with them once a week I think you really like it. I think that's why I said once a week because the first five weeks of Jitsu, once you do those hip escapes in there, ooh, you're going to be sore the next day. I'll be sore.

Fuck yeah, but that's what it's all about. You're going to use muscles you never used before. It's right here. I might as well at least try it. It's fucking right around the corner, man. Right around the fucking corner. And, you know, this guy in Chicago, way before I tried Jiu-Jitsu, said to me, that when you get into Jiu-Jitsu

for the first while trained with people that love you that aren't going to hurt you by mistake and he loves you and he's going to know what your limitations are when he sees you do a couple of hip escapes and your head turns red but he's not to be right from the beginning

he's going to teach you all the right things Lee and you're going to come home and you're going to go you know man wow I do 60 minutes on the elliptical and I couldn't do fucking two of those things I almost died from my breath escape and you're going to see that how all the different exercises

work different things. You told me that the first time you got in the elliptical, 15 minutes, you went home and slept for four hours. I slept for like 18 hours dude. You were on Rogan that day, and I just fucking, I tried to watch it, and I fucking just slept basically the entire day. I would wake up for like 20 minutes.

No, when you go to the elliptical, when you walk out of there, how do you feel? I'm tired. I'm really sweaty. I always, my t-shirt's always sweaty, but... But do you feel, is it euphoric? Do you feel good about yourself? I do feel more pumped up. Because a lot of times on the weekends when Paul and I are going, we'll be like, eh, I don't want to go.

We'll be kind of down when we go in, but it's always happier when you leave. You got like a little confidence to you? Yeah, probably. If you go do that, which is the hardest thing for a guy like you or myself, to walk into a fucking gym. As you're walking in, you're saying to yourself, I don't need this. How many days a week do you go leave now?

I try to go seven, but usually at least six. I go almost every day, man. I really try to. God bless you, man. That's really good of you. Again, a year ago, this is why I say that you get dates. June 20th, June 20th, a year ago, you weren't fucking doing this. You were listening to me going, he's crazy.

No, I knew I needed to. No, no, no, no, no. But in the back of your mind, you're going, he's crazy. Oh, yeah. Going to a gym and the darkness and getting on stairs and sweating. Who needs that in their life? And now it becomes a party. you and after you do and you like the fucking bicycle?

I really like that class, yeah. The seat was really hard. So, like, my legs were really swirl like the next day, but it was fun. It made the alcohol buy a lot quicker. You're not going to go back? I might. I might. Paul has a bad knee, so she doesn't want to do it again, but I might try it.

You're a good dude, though. You're a bad motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? You either got one shit going on or the other. You know. I'm trying. We're here. It's the end of the fucking month. We were going to put a guest on tonight, and we said,

fuck it's just me and my main man Lee Syatt reviewing the fucking month what's going on next month we got a great week next week you know shit like that's happened Josh Spoof has a new show on CMT and it's going to be a late night talk show and I think I'm doing the third night so Josh's going to be on

next week when I have a couple people he and Edwards going to be on next week. It'll be fun. We got my man Martin the systema guys are going to be on next couple of weeks Darren Carter got a couple surprised fucking people called me recently. I'm going to get your boy Stephen Bauer again. This time he wants to sing the doors with the wig on.

It's all over. Like, this is kind of what we were talking about with Bert and Tom. It's like all these people are starting to get stuff. Now Josh Wolf has a show and now he has a show. So it's just like, as, like, you being you,

do you think, oh, it's like it's getting to be my turn? Like, it's like everyone around me is getting it. Like, do you allow yourself to think like that? No. No? I would. I'm very happy coming over here, Lee. I'm very, very happy walking over here at night and sitting here with you.

If we did a show, the production would be better, but I don't know how we would translate this to TV or a show. I'm not even saying it's this, but I'm just saying you might get a movie, you might get a different kind of show. You know, I'm the type of person, man. I'm really happy of what I got. I wasn't supposed to get the longest shot.

I wasn't supposed to get grudge match. You know, there's times I forgot I was in Spider-Man 2. I forgot so many fucking things that I've done. You know, people remind me, hey, somebody said that they saw me an old episode of ER from 2003. No way, you did ER? Yeah, I did ER. They cut my hand, they cut my hand.

And shit, one, I was a co-star. It doesn't matter. I did these things. And sometimes I forget, and I can't believe I'm doing it. And listen, and I'm telling you this is on, if I would have done one thing. Like, if I would have just got ER, I would have been happy. For me to get the opportunities I did to do Arliss with James Colburn and to do, you know, all these fucking dumb movies I've done and shit,

it's tremendous. So to get another movie or something, it's great. But I'm not. I'm very happy of what they've given me. I'm very happy doing this league. I'm very happy opening up my heart to people on this thing to make somebody's day go by a lot easier. You know, sometimes I say something about drugs

and somebody will hear and go, Jesus, I thought I'm the only one that felt that way. No, a lot of people feel that way. And that's something I was naive, too. In my 30s, I thought I was the only person that was feeling the anger and the shit I was feeling and the confusion. No, people do it now at their fucking 30s. You know, they don't know what their next move is, what they want to do.

So it's good that we talk. I like this late. But if somebody told me what to say, I couldn't do it. I don't want to fucking do that. No, it wouldn't be good. I don't think. I don't want to do that right now. I'm too old.

I don't want to be, you know, look at me. I got white hair. Every time I shoot something, they fucking dye it. I just want to have white hair. Nobody wants to see a white hair guy. You know, and I'm not trying to act like I'm fucking 20 or 30. I'm whatever the fuck I am, but I have a good time doing it. I don't give a fuck.

You don't see me with a goatee shaving my head with designer jeans. I got some lead jeans. I finally got my size, 4430s. Do you like them? Yep. Yep, I like that cut because fucking Target stopped making my fucking gene. That's fucked up. That's fucked up.

So now they started bringing the wranglers and shit, they pissed me off. But the other shit they had, those jeans, those light jeans I have? I've had these for six, seven years from Target since I moved up here. I won't fucking, I won't get rid of these things. These are the most comfortable pants I've ever had in my life. Oh, my God. But now fucking Target cut those off, so I've had to turn back to conventional wranglers and lees. I'm not too happy about it.

So I've tried everything. I tried the Levi's. Okay. I tried the Levi's. They're okay because I forgot what it felt like to have fucking Levi's on. And then I tried to lead jeans and they're okay. So let's see what happens. Then I got my old fucking Target pants on.

But somebody asked me that day, man, I'm going to take you to go clothes shopping for those pants. I'll get them for you for like $125.000. I don't want no fucking designer pants. I can't sell designer jeans. I got no ass. I got nothing. Fucking designer jeans. You go commando sometimes.

I have. It's, like, really important. It's, like, soft and doesn't have, like, a jagged piece of cloth. Yeah, I don't want no fuck. Sometimes I forget to put underwear on. I'm in a rush and shit. You know, sometimes I go to the gym. You can't wear your sweaty underwear with your jeans.

So when I leave Jiu-Jitsu, I just take those underwear off. They're fucking sweaty. They're fresh. I just put them on before, like, tomorrow. Before I go to J-Jitsu, I'll put a brand-spanking brand-new pair of M-Undis on or cotton ones, you know? But I'll put M-Dis on because it keeps my nuts sack intact. When I finish doing jujitsu The Miondi underwear is drenched

Not really drenched but it feels like the sweat on it I can't put my jean over it So if I'm at jih Tzu I just take the whole thing off And put on a pair of dirty jeans And driving the car until I get home And I take a shower at the house I don't wear a jih Tzu pants in my car And then bring the foot fungus in the seat

And now you got a combination of foot fungus And ass in your fucking seat Do you like super wash your feet? Because I was watching some jiu-ditsu And like you're grabbing people people's feet. I don't grab nobody's feet. That's that one's when you're a blue belt. I'm never going to be a blue belt because I ain't grabbing nobody's feet. And guess what? I got that fucking fungi toe. Nobody wants to grab my foot either. So fuck it. We got a stalemate here. Okay. So I have a while before people are going to start talking about me feet. Oh, you got two years before we got to touch somebody's foot and they touch your fucking foot.

Okay. Thank God. Yeah. It's no. It's great. You're going to love them. Itchy fucking back. That's all right. I don't want to tell you. I'm pretty high. Yeah, me too. I was thinking about something today. What were you thinking about, Lee? Okay. You're the worst person to ask this, too, but just I understand you have a lot on your plate. In the future anywhere, would you ever consider directing something? No. Never?

I don't know how to direct. Yeah, but you learn all over it. Yeah, I don't know how to fucking direct. So why would I get myself involved in something? I don't know what I'm doing. Nothing bothers me more when I see a movie and an actor by a directed by an actor. You know what they do? What? They hired a good deal.

and the DP has to show the guy what scenes to shoot and director and that's what happens. That's what happens. But some people think directing is taking a shot from the ashtray with the cigarette burning to show the director how DP is. That's not what I want to see. I want the story simplified for me. I want it to play with my head. I just showed you a great clip before the movie started.

I showed you a clip that you never saw before. Right. That pissed me off fucking... The deer hunter. The deer hunter. when he goes back to Vietnam to get his buddy played by Christopher Walken and he's playing fucking Russian roulette.

When that movie came out, you know how many fucking kids died after that from playing Russian roulette? No. Oh my God, everybody started playing fucking Russian roulette. Oh, those fucking idiots? No. I was at a house one time where a kid pulled the gun and started playing Russian roulette. Fuck you. I got the fuck right out of that, bitch.

Oh, thank God. Fuck you. I ain't that done. That's so stupid. Fuck you. So this isn't a new thing with kids being stupid on the internet, just that they were always... That wasn't on the internet. I know, but they're still doing it. They did that.

You can't blame the internet. Then there was the thing where kids committing suicide, listen to fucking Ozzy Osbourne backwards and shit, playing the music backwards, Judas Priest with one of those bands. Kids are always going to have something, and they're always going to point their fingers at something to parents, when they should point the fingers at themselves.

The kid was missing something. You didn't notice it again. If I notice, first of all, I'm the type of person. If you get a haircut, I'll notice it. And I go out of my way. to do that, to have that skill because that means I'll see something that's out of place.

Oh. So I train myself to look at women's hair and look at their hands, and I always compliment the woman on her hair or somebody gets a haircut. I train myself in that. You do do that a lot? All the time, because I want to know

if something's out of order. So what would you do if I had, like, a weird haircut? I compliment you on and tell you you look good. I'm lying. But my point is that that's why I do that because I try to notice people. A lot of people live their life without noticing people.

That's why I hate this fucking phone now. Because for years, people have lived without noticing people. Now without the phone, they're going to notice themselves more. That's why I piss that one. I don't say that to you to break your balls leak. I say that to you because I don't want you on the phone in the daytime.

Tell Paul to call you she got something to say. You know what happens when your head's down? You get hit with a missile. And when I say a missile, I can see me in anything. A black guy with a pair of knuckles, a chick with an umbrella, a car that goes off. But there you are looking at the phone. Don't take your phone out. Tell people, you need me.

You call me in the daytime. I ain't got time to stop in the middle of street and text you. You're not looking. You're not paying attention. That's the first thing your mother told you. So if we weren't noticing shit 20 years ago now, people, I see my wife doing it. time. Today I was sitting there with mercy and I saw my wife get

in the car and I saw a homeless guy catch him, watching my wife. If I would have said something to my wife, she was in the car texting. I go look up. And then she looked at me. Instead of looking at the guy two feet from her, that guy could just come and bit slap you in the fucking face by the time

you notice what's going on. Put the fucking phone away. That's why when people text me the daytime, I don't answer them back. I don't even reply to them. I ain't put my head down. You need me? you fucking call. Yeah. It's my playing field.

I'm like the 90s and 81, bitch. I don't give a fuck. You can't put a $100 bill over the phone, so I ain't really missing none. The people who give me work, they don't text me. The only people who are going to text me will work and people who ain't paying.

So I don't give a fuck. I ain't looking down. I don't ever look fucking down. I look straight ahead all the fucking time. It is scary when you see other people texting and drive. But I've done it. I've seen people walking and texting. That gives me a woman walking and texting.

That gives me a shot. to get behind the bush up the corner and you're not going to see me by the time you get to me you're in the fucking phone i really got what's your phone gonna do you ain't got no bullets in that fucking phone put the fucking phone away pay attention to life it's moving fast man it moves fast that's why i don't like that shit not because i'm an old man or joey doesn't like technology because i don't see the wisdom in it i'm not looking straight ahead and straight ahead is the only way your eyes are supposed to fucking look i got time to be reading twitter in the daytime Once I do my Twitter, I move the fuck on, Jack.

If I know I'm going to get a message from somebody on Twitter, I'll check it. But I don't fucking need to tweet you a picture of my dog or something. If I'm in a hotel, I'll take a picture of my weed and I'll send it out to you. I don't want to Instagram either. I don't want to fucking Instagram either. Somebody asked me, why don't you have an Instagram account? Because I ain't Johnny fucking photographer. I ain't got time to be taking pictures.

But it'll be blurry. Fuck you. I ain't got time for that shit. You want to see what I see? moved to Northern California. What do the fuck I live? Where do I live? Southern California. That's right. Lee Cox's second. What do you got playing for the weekend with Mama?

She wants to go to a comedy show, so we'll probably go somewhere. So where are you taking this Saturday now? I don't know. There's no one at the improvs that I can remember. So I'll probably take her to the store or something. Let's fucking take a plane in Oklahoma with Uncle Joey. Catch a tornado. Let's see what the fuck's crack a lacking. Let's do it. When was the last time you were in Oklahoma?

I think I did a college. there in 1998. That's it. That's it. I can't imagine you doing a lot of college gigs. That was but mistake. I think I said some. They got pissed off.

I forget who booked me in the gig. Somebody fell out, and they booked me at the last minute or something like that. Who gives a fuck? Listen, people, let me talk to you guys about something real quick and real interesting. We give you the podcast for free. Okay? We don't charge you.

I don't want to dime from you people. people work hard. Lee and I do not mind coming in here and doing this twice a week. You know, when we got into the podcast, you know, myself and Felice or even Lee, we started this as just a thing, an outlet for us. But then in time, people start offering you stuff. I got to tell you something, I get, since I've been doing this podcast, I can exaggerate, I get three offers a month of people that want us to help them, whether it's, uh, selling stuff and we have agents to help us

with people and then I talk to people and I take a request for sponsorships and I look at the stuff. Guys, we get a lot of shit. I could sit here and just do an hour podcast and probably make a hundred fucking grand a week but I don't want to sell your

intelligence and I want you to listen to the podcast. I want you to hang out with us. So, you know, NatureBox to give you something for free. I like nature box. When I get high, I tear that fucking shit out, whatever the fuck they give me. It's delicious. It tastes great. Nature box came along. I got some stuff sent to the house.

I tried it. I told them yes. I did some reading up on it. Now I'm giving you a box for free. Okay? A year later. Meondies.com. You know, underwear. Who the fuck thinks about underwear? They sent me a box. I put it on. I tried them. I like them. I like how it feels with jeans. I bring them to you, you know? I get shit sent to me all the time. I don't even, I try the T-shirts, they feel like shit, or I try something to eat and it tastes like ass.

Some guy sent me some granola. Oh, God, you know, you just get shit-scent that people, they don't think it out, and then they're trying to get on Shark Tank or whatever. Everybody wants exposure for their products. But I have a guy that every time he hits me up with products, he sends me not one box, but a couple boxes. And he sends me all the literature on, and it gives me a chance to read it. And then we talk about it,

he sends me something else other than Yelp, like the customer things. Okay. And this was a product that came to me, and I really fucking dug it. And I'll tell you why I dug it, because everything came in a box. When me and my wife got it, we got three different meals.

The one was like a turkey, tetrazini, or something like that. I forget what it was, don't quote me. But the one was an iron and skillet steak, like a flat steak. And the other one was a hika fish, some type of fish. We bought it mushrooms and stuff.

Oh, that's nice. So one night we got home, laid from something and my wife and goes, hey, we got that the blue apron stuff. Right. And the mail from Oxford, why don't we cook the dinner?

We did the fish, the haku fish, that's what it's called? Okay. Haku fish with potabella mushrooms. First off, it took 20 minutes to make. All the ingredients were in there. Like everything you need? Everything I needed was in this fucking thing.

So, boom, we made it together. I looked at. The fish was delicious. The mushroom was refined. fresh. I forget what the side dish was. I'm sorry, but everything was really delicious. And when I went to do the reading up on it for the serving they gave me, it was like

600 calories. Everything's under 700. Right. Protein, this, that, everything was broken up. I was really fucking impressed. And then I started thinking about it. I'm like thinking, all right, so a guy like Lee, is this what Lee, so I looked at the menu. I made the iron skillet one with my wife. And that came with caramelized onions or something. I forget what that one.

Again, fucking delicious. The side dish was a vegetable thing, which I didn't like. But the fucking steak was good. And just because I didn't like the vegetables, this doesn't mean normal people like the fucking vegetables. And I forget what the dessert was and the whole thing. Okay, I went online, I did some more reading. Let me tell you guys something. Okay, let's say you work.

All right, and I'm taking the time to do this because I look at this shit. This is important to me. I'm a fucking econ major, right? So if you get home and you work five days. a week. You get home at five, you go to Jiu-Jitsu, you go to the gym, you stop at somebody's house. You get home at 6.30, you're fucking starving, all right? The family deal is 8.74 per night for three people to eat, like, two adults and two kids. Total? Total. Wow. The fucking, you have to go online to see this. Go to blue apron.com to see this. The single guy thing

is $59 per week. Right? And that's three meals per week. First off, no single guy, even Lee, cooks more, he'll cook three nights a week. No, it won't. If you have this, you will. That's what I'm saying.

If you have this, you will. This is made for me. That's what I'm saying. Because I used to go, you cook one thing that's terrible? Wait, what do you think I'm dealing with? This is what I'm saying. I started thinking about how this gets up my podcast, and I go, wait a second. This is perfect because I deal.

with a lot of guys are a single, or you guys like the sling dick, or you guys got some fucking girlfriends. This is good, because that means three nights a week, you get home, and there's three dinners. It costs you $59.

Unless you're eating Burger King or McDonald's or shit food, with a tip and everything that comes along with it, you ain't going to get the food that comes in here for $59. That's $2.40 a month. Everybody spends an average of a yard a week at the fucking supermarket. At least.

Right? So if I take 60 off you, now I leave you 40, you're gonna stop in each, which I understand, for whatever your budget is. It's not fucking bad guys, the meal they give you. Let me give you some fucking examples here, all right? This week, all right, 525. This is what you could pick from. Indian chicken thighs, sugar snap peas, fingerlings, and peatips.

All right. Seared salmon with Sorrel and fiddlehead fern salad and cream. barley, right, Fern Salad and Creamy Barley, or Chicago-style beef sub with roasted potatoes and pepper onions. That's the regular. That's the three meals you get this fucking week, okay? Let's say you're a vegetarian. You get the Jailan and Kachu fried rice with sweet potato and miso butter. You get the Baluga lentil salad with asparagus, egg, Piav, French breakfast radish.

Or you get the Fergola Sada with peas, ramps, walnuts, mint, and the rice. palm. That's what you get if you're a vegetarian. You can't fucking lose with this, okay? And change it every week. The last thing anybody wants to do after work is wait online at a fucking grocery store, or better yet, slept home and cook up some fucking meal

with whatever. For less than $10 per meal, Blue Apron will send you fresh ingredients, perfectly fucking proportioned, making cooking healthy, fucking easiest shit. You bring a chick over, you can impress as you end up sucking your dick. This is how good this shit is. Blue Apron

is perfect for date night, cooking with friends, and even other family fucking plans. I'd say your family comes over, you know, you cook for them, you want to impress them. But the best thing is you have a meal and you learn how to cook this shit healthy. They work around your schedule, and they work around dietary preferences.

So Blue Apron's expert source the only the best seasonal ingredients for incredible meals like meal one or meal two. Indian chicken thighs, sugar snap peas, fingerlings, and pea tips, or a seared salmon with Sorrel and Fiddlehead, fern salad with creamy barley, or the Chicago-style Italian beef salt with roasted potatoes, peppers, and onions.

You ever get home at 7 o'clock? You want some? Can you imagine having a Chicago-style fucking... Listen, let's end this conversation. You want to cook incredible meals, and you want to be blown away by quality and freshness, correct? Blue Apron is the better way to cook. Do me a favor. Check out this week's menu, and I'm going to give you two meals for free by going to Blue Apron.com slash Joey. You hear me? Blue Apron.com slash Joey.

My treat. Really, the first two meals are on me. When you go to blue apron. com slash Joey. And that's it. I'm breaking it down for you, motherfuckers. This is a great fucking deal. You know, we're not going to read these every week for you.

I'm not going to break your ball on this. Do me a favor. Go to Blue Apron right now and press in the box. What? Slash Joey. With capitals? I don't think it matters. And I'm going to give you.

two fucking meals for free. But try it in Capitals. I'm going to give you two meals for free, all right? And I'm not going to stop there. Again, I'm going to give you two meals, I'm going to give you a box of fucking snacks. Naturebox.com. Dietitian, nutritionist, approved, sealed, they get delivered right to your fucking house. No drama, no fucking games, okay? You can't beat that.

Right to your fucking door. All I'm telling you is go to naturebox.com, and in the box pressing, they're going to send you a five sample of box Right to your fucking door. No crying, no bullshit. It's free shipping to an extent. I think it's like $1.90 or something like that. Who gives a fuck?

Take a chance. Columbus did. Stop sitting there going, I got no snacks to eat. Uncle Joey's giving you something on the arm. You're going to fucking love. Then you're going to order it on yourself. But they're going to turn you on. Nobody.

When you go buy Blow, they give you anything for free? Fuck no. Go to Naturebox.com right now. I'm pressing. Joey. And I'm going to give you three bags, five bags altogether. Three little ones and two big ones. Tremendous.

Syracchi cashews, the salt and pepper lentils are fucking delicious. The black and white granola? The black and white granola. The Hawaiian plantain chips. The Filipino plantain. They got garlic plantain chips now. Garlic plantain chips. Stop fucking around.

Go to naturebox.com and get a free box delivered to your house. Five fucking days. Go to naturebox.com right now and push in what? Joey. J-O-E-Y and get a box sent to your house. I'm not going to stop there. I got Mionis for you, all right? Comfortable.

They come in girl sizes, boy clothes. The T-shirts are great. I wear the T-shirts for J-Jitza. They sent me a long-sleeve wand, a couple short-sleeve ones. They're fucking, they dry right away. The underwears are tremendous. The girl underwear is a tremendous.

But don't listen to me. Go to meundies.com right now. Look at the great selection. A men and women's fucking underwear they have. They got great t-shirts. They got hats. They got some great sweatpants They said cut off at the shorts and they got long ones too.

Just go. Just go. Why are we fucking having this conversation? Go to meandis.com right now and press in. Joey. And get 20% off your first order and first delivery, whether it's in Canada or the United States, all right? It's free. You can't beat that for somebody.

Free fucking shipping. I ain't fucking around with you. Go to Miondi's.com right now and look at the great selection they got. I guarantee you'll be blown the fuck away. Beautiful men's underwear. Comfortable. I got a pair on right now. a fucking magnificent geek.

I showed you the Sabwa Fair ones I had on last week. These are black with a purple stripe. I'll take your word for it. Take my fucking word for it. Smart ass. Go to me on these.com right now and press in. Joey. And get your fucking 20% off your first order. Hey, you know me, dog.

Excellence is best. I'm not going to lie to you. I had to do a couple of shroom texts this week because last week I was a little off and I feel a lot better this week. They say it takes a while for it to get into your system. You know what? once in seeing your system,

the Alpha Brain. Adjust. I've been back on these again. Do yourself a favor. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church. And get 10% off your first order from Alpha Brain. Plus, they're having a tremendous fucking sale. Tremendous.

New tropics at its best. The new mood. The Shroom Tech for more energy with the quadracep mushrooms. They're not fucking around anymore. Go to honor.com right now. Now they're in Whole Foods in Austin. I mean, this is the real deal Holy field. We started with them

when they were nothing, a little fucking company. Go to honor.com right now. Cut the shit and press in. Church. And get 10% off your first order. They also have to stay on the program. They got the testosterone powder to make you stronger. They've got so many things over it on it now. They're going to blow your fucking mind.

I can sit here for 20 fucking minutes and blow smoke up your ass. But do yourself a favor. Go to honor.com right now and see the great selection they have. the tropics and other supplements to get you on fucking tap. Blue Apron.com, Onit.com, Myundies, and Naturebox.com. I love you guys. And a big shout out to Iron Dragon. Always. Press in.

Joey. Boom. And get two free movies. Classic Kung Fu Films sent to your motherfucking house. You understand me? And that's it, baby. I got to shoot down in the comedy store and do a set. What time you got late? 950. 9.000. Well, it's been a hell of a month, May. We'll be back here Monday at 8 o'clock. We got a great list of fucking podcast next month. Thank you for listening this week.

Thank you for listening tonight. It was just me and Lee shooting the shit about what's going on in our lives and the cats and everything. Did I give some shoutouts tonight? Fuck no. No, you didn't. Bobby Lalingis, Chicago. You know I love you, cock sucker. Celtic Bull.

Keep doing what you're doing. Pete Garcia. Thank you every morning. Putting some shit up there for me. Andre Silva, you got a great dad. Ross, dude. Love you. Amy and John.

Amy, who's better than fuck. Can you junk see? Get it together, cock-sucker. And Robert Lulleridge. That's it, man. I had Jordan Lee on my podcast, flying to your radio. How's he doing? He's doing really good.

He's doing really well. What's he been up to lately? He's been in a bunch of, he had a movie. He had the Christmas movie he was in. Okay. He's been acting up a storm. Is he? Yeah.

Jordan Lee's a kid that we met, and everything's fucking beautiful with him. He's a great kid, and it's business at usual with that motherfucker. Yeah, he keeps a little. Always working. Always has a fucking positive attitude about some shit. And amen. This is easy. Don't forget tomorrow 8 o'clock in the morning. Don't forget to tune in to the morning joint with Uncle Joey. We're going to smoke a joint of this shit mixed with some hash and some gorilla biscuits.

I love you guys. Have a great fucking weekend. See you Monday night. Thank you for listening to the church of what's happened now. I'll see half of you motherfuckers in Oklahoma this weekend. And I'll see the other half of you motherfuckers in Denver. Colorado. Next weekend, I'm at the Comedy Works. Have a great weekend. Thank you. Good night. This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals free.

Just go to blue apron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron. Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sampler box of great tasting, healthy snacks. Forget the vending. machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey. That's naturebox.com slash Joey.

Go to meetundies.com slash Joey and check out the picks of the men's and women's underwear and they have shirts and socks and everything you want to wear. When you use Colbert Joey, you get 20% off your first order and free shipping in the United States and Canada. Go to honor.com meets covert church to get 10% off

optimization products like Applebrain, New Mood, Shrmtec community, Shrmtec Sport. It's Cobur Church to get 10% off. And go to iron dragontiv.com and use Coburtoe get two free rentals. Can you tell a green field?