The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #287 - Ian Edwards, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 2, 2015

Ian Edwards, Comedian and Television writer. joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. Music:  Hiot Pants - James Brown I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet I Left My Heart In San Fran Cisco - Tony Bennet Legalize It - Peter Tosh Recorded on 06/01/2015  

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What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Churchill has happened now, cock suckers. Monday, team first, right? Just when you thought of the safe, little James Brown for you pox-sucker Oh shit Lee Syatt Ian Edwards

In the motherfucking house Oh shit What James Brown I'm the motherfucking Mike with Uncle Joe Ian Edwards I'm a motherfucker fucking flying juice

Laying it Flaying it flicking it Stick a knit. What, you motherfuckers? Hope you had a great sensational weekend. We're back for another fun-filled fucking show tonight here. We got my main man, Ian Edwards

in the house. Yeah, man. The flying Jews in the house. What's helping at you? Look at you. You got fucking Sun-Tan. I know. I never get Sun-Tan. I went to the beach. We had it. We just didn't use it. You got to use it. Next thing you know, you want to sue the fucking son. You can use it anyway. Can you imagine calling a personal injury lawyer? I ain't doing

the son. I want to sue him. I want to take it. I think you got a case You can make this happen How's your back? I was running a shirt You didn't take your shirt off on the beach? No, we didn't go to the beach We went to

She got us Like a group on for one of those paddle bikes Like kind of what waterboxer does Except it's like a bike you sit on So we just went around the marina It was fun I know you think I'm crazy But it was a marina del right

You said I'll deal with them You said I see what you're doing I see It's a fucking amazing thing You're a strong man Joey He couldn't go into the ocean He had to take a shirt with a fucking paddleboard about the fucking marina And there was no sharks there when I needed him

Next time he'd be doing that Let me know I'll put tuna fish in your pocket, cock suck And I'll call fucking the jaws, whatever his name Tuna fish What's up with you, player? Man, just chilling just came from work and I'm just headed Traffic was easy, I thought he was going to be worse And I just made it here

And I'm glad to be here, man And I like fucking with Joey Diaz I'll fuck with you. Good, good, good, no, no, that's tremendous Now, do you shoot every week Or you're just writing the six episodes right? We're just writing the six right now. And we're going to start shooting in a few weeks.

And we should be done by, let's say, July. And it's going to air in August. And, yeah, it should be fun. We over at the Fox lot and just niggas on the Fox lot. How fucking great is it to walk on the Fox lot? Especially for me, I got felonies. So was I walking? How are you doing Mr. Diaz?

And you're like, if these motherfuckers knew. If they knew and shit. You're mingling, eating with people, right? They have no idea. They have no fucking idea. They got shrimp, batting ham and cheese sandwiches, and there you are mingling, taking shit, housing things.

It's funny because they had, like, the peanut gang characters, like, walking around during lunchtime, they're taking photos with them. Like, I don't know who's in the costume, and they don't know who they're taking photos with. So it's, fuck it. It's like, it's whatever. It's great to just walk around the fire.

And it's, my favorite lot is Paramount. That's the one when I walk on the lot, and I'm like, Bam! I can't believe they let me in here without a fucking security guy on me. I'm just walking a fucking around. Like, it's...

I'm the first audition I went through was on the Fox lot. And I had to walk to the other motherfucking end because the building that belongs to the dude who wrote NYPD Blue. At that time, that motherfucker had a building. But it was all the way at the end. And you don't know.

You got a shirt on Lee. That son's bean on you. That's a huge, yeah. That's a hot lot. That's a hot lot. That's like a equator lot. The sun hits that shit. No, I'm going to tell you what the hottest lot is.

What? Sony. Sony. Really? Yeah. Culver City. Right there, Century City. Culver City.

Yeah. What street is that? Venice, Washington or something else? Yeah, Washington. That lot, dog. I had a fucking, see, in the old days, they would let you park and then walk around the lot. Cross over and you're right there.

I think after 9-11, they'd make you cross-off. On that side, if you cross across Washington and go through. So I was used to that easy pimps shit. And also, they switched it on my ass in the hottest day of fucking April. Like a march, you know, one of those hot days that happens in LA.

I have a black velour mafia sweats and on. Pants, fucking, with no underwear on. And I can feel the balls dripping under velour. You're just dripping by the time you get in the house. Oh, my God. I got to that audition. It was a Spider-Man, too.

Oh, shit. I'll never forget that I was drenched. And I got in there, there was dirty gangsters in there. I'm like, I'm not getting this. I don't even know what I'm staying. This is a waste of my fucking time. But I got so far, wound up, and so scared from looking at these motherfuckers, but I just went in there and got it.

I just stole it. I said, fuck it. I am not letting these motherfuckers take it from it. I sweat all the way here. Fuck this. Oh, my God. I was sweating profusiously, though. It might be a little bit different for you, Joey,

because you went on auditions. But, like, Ian, how many times did you walk by the fog, drive by the fox a lot? And now you're like, it must be crazy. Like, that's, I worked in TV for a few years. And the only, I worked on Sunset and Gower a lot, which is gross. Like, I never got to work on, like, a nice, like, Fox, CBL, like, one of those lots. That's, like, the one thing I wish I had done. It's always kind of amazing.

The thing about the Paramount, like, you mentioned, I remember, like, walking on that lot with humor. You know, Hugh Moore? Comic. He's from New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even walk, okay. And then, you know, Paramount has that big blue backdrop, like, just sitting on the lot, and they shoot things there or up against it.

and then one day we was walking there. I forgot why we were there. We weren't, I think we were about to interview for jobs, some writing jobs. And he said, it's a beautiful day, isn't it? I said, what do you mean? And he's like, any day you could walk on the Paramount lot is a beautiful day. And I said, oh, shit, he's right. We're winning right now.

Whether we get these jobs or not. Because this is what we came here to do. And we were in the vicinity of it. So it's like, all right, cool. You know, I really like you. I always like you because you're a really. gentlemen. And Lee, I love, I could tell you this with fucking, there's not too

many things that bring me pleasure in life. I can't lie to you. Most of the time I'm sitting there going, where's the gun? You know what I'm saying? Where's the fucking gun? Nothing gets my dick harder. When I look at that audition and it says I got to go to Paramount, Fox, Sony,

Gow a lot, that's disgusting. You're absolutely right. Not sunset gau, but yeah, even Sunset Gau. There's two of them in Montana. The Tribune lot. Yeah, it's a fucking Nightman. I worked over it. It's a shitty lot.

Shitty a lot. But when you're a felon, you've been in prison, and you don't have a fucking agent. Nobody wants to manage you. The only person who's giving your spots is Mitzie Shore. And all of a sudden, here you want a lot to go read for fucking, you know, jazz palmon Terry or something. Nobody has an idea.

Like, I remember being up until two, you know, getting it down. And just when you walk in that lot, you're like, fuck, if these people knew that, half this shit, I did. They wouldn't let me on this lot. Well, describe what you see, because a lot of people don't know what, like, lots are, like, it's, like, huge buildings, and then there are signs everywhere, and you see, like, reserved for,

like, stars, like, all over the place. It's just... Producers, and, you know, there's, you know, there's... Things like the history of shit you've seen your entire life. Things that you thought you'd never be there, and you're there, and it just kind of blows your mind. Like, I don't know

I'd get this close. Have any... Have you ever worked on, like, a stage that had like a really cool show that you used to watch. It's funny because you guys mentioned that. I was doing two and a half men. I was just basically an extra couple of years ago with Ashton Cutscher when we were dancing on the street. And it was boring as fuck, man.

And you know me, I always bring 22 joints with me. I don't care what a lot on my. And during lunch, I'll watch something. They got you on a camera, so you got to make believe you're smoking a cigarette and then double-fisted. But I was smoking a dude one day. It was raining or something. That's why I knew they wouldn't catch me.

And I went to one of those coves, and I'm smoking, and I'm halfway done with the joint. I looked, and it said they had a list on the wall of what shows. Yeah, yeah. They shot, I love Lucy there. I put that joint out so fucking away. Out of respect. Where Steve Byrne shot his show, remember he tweeted,

all the shows they had shot there. Yeah, there's something to that. Yeah, there is something to that. It gives you, you can't, it's something relatable to it, Because no matter where you were in the world, you were watching this thing, and now you're aware this thing was shot. And it does strike you a little bit, at least a little bit.

It gets you a little bit. It's always fucked with me. I just don't let it take over. I just make believe, like, it's not happening. Like being, like, at a table reading, there's other people in the room, and you just got to act like, you know, this ain't happening. This motherfucker is not. This guy is not standing 10 feet from me.

I watch this guy kill a motherfucker, And this movie and this movie and this movie, it's really fucking surreal. I don't even know how to describe it to people. I can't because I'm embarrassed. I'd rather tell you a story about stabbing somebody than telling you a story about being a lot next to this guy and what I was going through.

The hardest lot I was ever around was shooting a movie with Dick Van Dyke. That old motherfucker with fucking little balls under his eyes and shit, he's old. I couldn't keep it together at all. At no point because I could I keep it together. I was crying. Every time I looked at him, I had to put my head down.

Until finally he was like, why is this fucking guy crying, bro? He's a big fucking dude. What's the problem? I had to tell him what happened. He must go through that a lot, though. That must happen all the time. Do you think if Tom Cruise does a movie, it probably takes him a couple days to calm

like all the rest of the actors down? Like, it must. You know, I don't know. What happened when De Niro and Stallone? I just say hello. But it wasn't, maybe it was because it were already like, into the movie, but like, it must be crazy, like, getting to work with... You just say hello.

You go like that with your hand, and someone will come over and give you their hand and say, nice to meet you, and you say, yeah, and then they ask you a question. You ask them a question at the end of the night, you go home. I don't talk unless I'm spoken to. Right. You know, that's what I was taught. I don't reach... Yeah, I don't try to...

Where did that motivation? I don't say dick. Right. How are you doing good? Yeah, yeah. You ready for this? Yeah, I am. I just try to have a good normal time and not fuck it up.

Right, yeah, that's it. That's all, you know. That's all you're saying to yourself when you're just, don't fuck it up. No, not even, you're just like, all right, just be normal, Ian. Hi, do my thing. And then if they want to talk some more, you know, but, oh, okay. And then I'm out. There's some motherfuckers I don't want to see because I would have a nervous breakdown.

There's certain motherfuckers. One of them would definitely be Muhammad Ali. Really? Like, when we went to store? I don't know. How long have you been out here now? In Cali, I've been out here since like 2000. Around 2000, yeah.

Like three or four years before that, I was at the store. And do you remember at the store, Waila Lee used to hang out? Yeah, one of his daughters. Yeah, one of his daughters. She comes around once in a while. Was it a comic? Yeah. And I left one night, and two days later, they told me, dog, she came up here with Muhammad Ali.

And I remember going, like, wow, and then going, I don't really want to see my mom and Lama. I would have a nervous breakdown. I would start by him. Yeah, how would you act around Muhammad Ali? I don't know how I would fucking act. I don't know how I would act I know I'd lose it. I have to hug him. I'd have to hug him after a few fucking minutes.

Yeah, you got to hug the champ. You got to hug him. Yeah. I'd hug Pete Rose. Yeah. Red band said he saw him at the Glenman Dale Moore looking lonely as a motherfucker. Oh, I'd shake his hand. Yeah, I would go up to Pete Rose.

That sketched commercial made me laugh where he wasn't allowed to be in the hall like his wife yelled at him. I don't know. I hope he gets taken back. They're really campaigning for it now. Something's going on. It's crazy how quick we get used to things.

I was thinking about it as I was leaving tonight. I was like, I'm headed to work. And a year and a half ago, I would have been hating life and, like, worried until I was going to get home. And now I'm going to have fun and get high with Joey and Ian. And that's your job. And it's my job. And it's just so it's like, yeah, you guys have been on a ton of lots. And it's just, but it's someone 20 years ago or someone back in New Jersey or New York, they must just lose their mind.

If you would have told me 25 years ago, I was going to walk on the Paramount lot, I would have spit your fucking... Like, you have a favorite lot. Can you think about it? Like, that's crazy. Oh, they got good food? I can mingle on that. Oh, shit. One time, you know, Patrice. Yeah, please. One time, Patrice, this is a few years before he died, maybe three years before he died. We were driving around Hollywood. He was in town. We had some meetings, and then we was driving around Hollywood. We were going to go get something to eat. Then, in the middle of Hollywood, there was this lot, maybe around.

maybe around like a vineish. There's this lot. And it was set up for like food, like for like a shoot, you know? And it was lunchtime. And then we just like, I dare you that we should go over there and go get something to eat. And he's like, bet, let's do it. And then we pulled on with the car, said some bullshit to the security guy. We drove on.

And then we got online at the catering shit. And then we got some food And we sat down with the extras And started eating And then I think it was like One of those TNT shows Like Law & Art And he knew one of the main actors

From the shows And then we moved from the extras To sit over there And eat with them And we could have paid for lunch somewhere But it was just more fun To just fuck around and do this thing And we had lunch

And then we bounced I'd never had the boss to do it And we got some numbers From some of the actor The extra chicks Because they use hot extras Free lunch, numbers because everybody thinks you're all doing the same shit

and then they noticed that people were paying like Patrice more attention and then we had more freedom than them because this didn't mean nothing to us and we got kicked out it was just going to add to the story so we were just looser and they were just on their best behavior like who's these loose dudes?

I would never have the balls to do that just the thing of getting thrown out and somebody's saying they threw Joe Diaz how they tried to get a lunch I would fucking have a hard of time. Everything you've done in there, I know. Can't take a lunch? There's a lot of things. Is that where you draw the line?

Yeah. That's funny, man. That's fucking crap. No, I don't have the balls to do it. I couldn't get away with it. We just thought the shit would be fun. It was fucking fun. That's hysterical.

We just thought it would be fun. That's like going to somebody's party when you weren't invited. Yeah, yeah. Those are the best part of it. Yeah, it's like driving by. Let's take a chance. Let's go in there. You know, you got a bag of weed.

Just telling me I'm here. Let's see what you happen. They'll let you in. When people see you with a drug, they'll let you know how. he's all right he belongs in this party who sent you here we invited i don't know drugs we're at the supermarket now how long you've been doing comedy uh like over 20 years that's what i tell people now you're a great writer but how did you get into the other side of the right and like how long you've been doing that i was doing stand-up and then uh one time was in new york i started in new york

and this guy, Rick Dorffman, he used to be a manager under Barrycats, had his own company. He was running Gotham at the time, and he said, hey, they're auditioning for riders for Kenan Iveryean's talk show. And he was like, do you want to come down and do a set for this lady, and she'll determine if you're good enough to be a writer on the show. I was like, I bet, you know, and then I went down there that night. And I was hot back then. Like, I had a set that was getting standing O's if I did it. Like, it was a hot 10. Like, I'd thrown away all my old shit, started working on this thing at the Boston

Comedy Club and, like, built it up. And then there was a point where I was worried. I was doing the Boston so much I wasn't even doing black clubs. But then we had this black comedy competition in Jersey. And I drove all my friends there that night. I was looking for parking. They all jumped out the car, ran into the contest venue,

wrote their names down. And when I walked in, there's like, we all signed up. So then I signed up last. I said, you motherfuckers, I drove you here.

I got to drive you back home. And you didn't sign my name on the list. So I'm last. So everybody goes, there's a hot show, everybody does good. And I stand them with my tent. I said,

oh shit, this shit works anywhere. This is dope. So then I got on Def Comedy Jam with that set. And I also did that set for this lady at the Gotham. And she was like, you got any writing samples? I was like, yeah, I got some writing samples.

And I had some ideas written down and I had some completely written out. And the only reason why I had them completely written out is a few years earlier, a homeboy my, another comic, Arnold Acevedo. I don't know if you know, Arnold Acevedo. It's a Puerto Rican dude. It's from Westbury, Long Island. And we used to do a lot of shows together. And we all hung out.

And after our shows, we used to just hang out on the corner and just talk and just laugh for hours. You know what I'm saying? And I don't know how the topic came up, but he was like, yeah, man, I got 362 sketches. And I'm like, what? He had 362 sketches. Like, why? He said, just in case if I get a job on SNL, I don't have to come up with a new sketch every week, I got sketches. And I was like, oh, shit, I don't have no sketches.

I'm like, how the fuck am I going to get 300 and something sketches? And as I calmed down in, I panicked at first. Inside, I'm just pretending to still be in this conversation with these dudes we're having fun with. But on the inside, I'm panic because I'm like, I'm unprepared for this comedy life or for the possibilities that this thing could branch out into. Now, I was like, calm down. Just, you always have ideas, but you just never write them down. You promise to write them down, you never do.

So next time you have an idea, either write the, go home, write it down, write it down on a piece of paper, go home and completely finish it, or at least jot it down so that you don't forget it. And then it'll accumulate up to Oz and then I calmed down. So then I started doing that. And then this opportunity came along years later. And it was like 2000. It's on 99. So I had to, I went home that night, finished like six sketches. I had three, wrote three, and faxed them in. And then it was like, and it was like December, mid-December. And I waited to hear from him for like two weeks and you got the job come out here in January. And I just came out and did

this shit. Then the show got canceled three months later. Poor Katie. Yeah. And you've been here ever since. Yeah. You know, the first few years here, like the first three years, I like, I love New York so much. I'm like New York. You know, I love New York.

And you don't want, when you want you once you're from New York, you're proud of that title. I'm from New York, you know. and I was here So I spent I spent most of my time in New York even though I had an apartment here And then I said to myself Ian you gotta be in L.A. to do the shit you want to do

You can't be in New York Just doing what you used to You have an apartment in L.A. and you came there And I decided to stay Because one night After the show got canceled Me and Hugh Moore was driving around Because he was writing on

the show that Chris Spencer had That Sinbad took over. So we were writing on competitive shows, and we both from New York, and we was playing mob deep in the car one night. And there was a line in the song that I never paid attention before, and Hugh Moore repeated it. He said, scared money, don't make money. And that was the sign from God or the universe to say stay in L.A. because when the show got canceled, there was like three weeks left on my contract.

And there's a guaranteed contract up to a certain amount of weeks. And so then I got paid $9,000 for free. Right? So I had like $9,000 plus whatever money I was making in comedy in New York. So maybe I had $12,000. The most amount of money I ever had in my life.

And I was like, I can go back to New York and do shows and I'll definitely get. shows because I always was getting shows and I could add to the $12,000 or I can scared money don't make no money getting up get an apartment here pay rent and stay here and see if I can get another writing job which I have no connections to anybody but I just have a feeling if I stick around if I stick around I'll get jobs things will happen so then I just did that I just listened to the mob deep lyric and I just stayed and sometimes a sign yeah I live on signs yeah always

have, something sways me, I don't know. I came out here on the same thing. I came out here to shoot a pilot, shot the pilot, didn't get picked up. I had a choice, and I said, well, if I shot a pilot, let's see what else we could be boogie. I'll give it six more months. Got a Taco Bell commercial, gave it a little more time, got this, got that, and you fucking stay, you know? You're like, what the fuck am I doing somewhere else?

I only, my tenure in New York was maybe four or five months in 94. I was terrible. Terrible. I was at the New York comedy club with Al. I went down to Boston, and you motherfucker scared me down there on the 4th Street. Dave Chappelle was there, and Jay Moore. It was tough. And I just said, get me to fuck out of him.

Nick DePaolo was down on Monday night. I was like, I don't belong here. And then I went to, but my club was in New York. I fucked the luschen a little bit. He pissed me off. And I fucked the dude, the other one that was, he was supposed to get a deal from Warner Bros. What have happened to those fools? The guy on, like, 76th Street in the West Side.

That's a... Him and his wife. I know you're talking about. God damn. Yeah, they called me one night. Stand up New York. Stand up New York. The old owners called me one night and said,

there's a big thing going on in New York. You should fly back this week. Josh will fly back. And did the festival for them for free. And something where the festival they were trying to start, that all this industry was going to be there. They just sounded too kinky to me. And then I'd see him at the comedy store

Al something, no, no, no, he always said him and his wife, right? I know what you're talking about. She taught classes there or something. They did something there. Fucking crazy. That was a... But New York was what kicked started my career because I saw something.

I saw John Legu Zamo doing time of year old Triple Inn. There's old dump on like the... In Hell's Kitchen. And they started their open mic at midnight. Right. In 93. fucking midnight. Who starts to open mic at midnight? But they're like people like, yeah,

there's like eight people there. I went in there. It was just drunk motherfuckers trying to get dollar 50 beers or something. And there's comics on stage. I'm like, this isn't what I signed up for. At that age, at that time, I didn't know this was it. I didn't know this was what you did.

So I never went back. And then I read something or I talked to somebody at a club and you're like, yeah, man, you got to go to those places. That's where you bomb. And I went down there. I was driving a limo. And I went to Kennedy Airport, and on the way back I stopped in there, and I seen John Legger's arm on stage, and I said, I got it. All right, I'm going to pack my bags, go back to Colorado and work on this shit. And that's when I really, really got serious about us.

So you went to Colorado? I didn't know that. I started in Denver. Oh, shit, I didn't know that. I started in Denver, 91. But I was, like, selling drugs. Right. It's getting my dick sucked. I was doing open mic on Tuesdays.

I was the host. All I had to do was five minutes, and I could do blow and sell pills at this place. I took it seriously, but I didn't. I was just killing time. I had just come out of prison. I couldn't, I had a felony. I didn't know what I wanted to do. But this seemed attractive.

I didn't know about that traveling. Right, right. Being on the road like Bob Seeger and shit, fuck you, sleeping in hotels. I like my bet. But then people said, this, we got to travel, you got to do this, you got to do that. This is what needs to be done.

Yeah, I just didn't want to do a regular job. And so that's where it appealed to me. I didn't mind the travel. I might mind it now, but I know it's necessary. I'm going to have to do a bunch of traveling to get this thing to where I wanted to get to. You know what I mean? To be just so independent that I can call my own shots. So I'm down.

Depending on what career you want to have. You have a great career, but you also have something else. You're also very funny. and for you to take over this motherfucker like you're supposed to, you've got to get allies. Right. So you've got to go to every state and get one representative of Dania Edwards.

This is the baddest motherfucker, smoothest black dude working right now in my nomination. You know what I'm saying? Fuck Billy D. Williams. He's done. It's hilarious. And little by little, bam, bam, bam. And all of a sudden you have these little ports that got you.

It's like when you're these presents. Isn't the big thing fucking Iowa? Yeah. They get the signs like fucking momos and they're out there. A bunch of white people vote for this fucking idiot. Same thing with stand up. We got to get out there. It's hard. It's rough on your family. It's rough on you at a certain age. But it's also fun. It's rough, too, you get to your hotel room. And now you go into work mode. Now you're going to animal mode. You know, this is where I am. Last time I was here, I got my dick sucked. I went to this place. They got good wings. Let's talk about those wings. Let's talk about the dirty holes in this town. Let's talk about this. Let's talk about that. Now you become a bond at that town, and you keep building.

This time you go, you sell 300 tickets. The next time it's $450. The next time now you haven't been there a year and a half. Now you're going to double up and get 800 tickets. You're ready for a small theater. Now you've got to go back and get that hump over. Now you're ready for a thousand cedar. And this is it.

But I was talking to Josh Wolf this morning. And he was asking me how I felt. And I told him, for me, me right now at this part of my life, I didn't think I'd be doing this, Ian. I didn't think I'd be picking up my package and going to Salt Lake City into Denver and to Boston. But this is it. This is what we signed up for. Whether you're 52 or 22, this is what you signed up for.

So I've fallen in love with it. Again, because of the social media aspect of it. I'm seeing motherfuckers. I communicate with the Avalon. What do they call that shit? Avatar. Avalon, Avatar. Avalon, Avat. Whatever the fuck it is.

and also there they are in front of you, shaking your motherfucking hand. So the experience came through. It really came full circle, this thing, that started on a fucking wire. This is on a wire. We're doing this whole show on a fucking wire. Right. This is a wire. We have put our videos on this fucking wire.

20 years ago, a comic, Richard Pryor couldn't go home and put his setup in the comedy store on a wire. If you're serious about this game, you can put your setup every night on the fucking YouTube. And that's the same thing as going on the road. You're picking up allies. That's a different avenue. Right. You know, you do a Comedy Central special. Comedy Central airs it Friday twice and once

on Sunday. And then what are you going to? You're going to go backwards and go on Showtime? Who has Showtime? Who has Showtime? Who has Showtime? Yeah. Fucking people with perverts that want the whole thing with the blonde chick that comes out and talks to you. That chick's hot. She's saved my life in hotels a couple

times. That little blonde chick. She's like just like Felicia Michaels. If you close your eyes, you think it's fucking Felicia Mike. Who? This girl on Showtime, and they do a half-hour show, and she does the whole show naked. Oh, Katie Morgan, I think. I think that's her name, really cute, blonde, squeaky voice. Yeah.

And she talks about sucking dick and eating ass, and she plays video, and she talks about the history of finger-banging. And it goes back to the case. The history of Finger-Bang. Yeah. I love that. No, this is, listen, shit. I didn't think I'd be on the fucking road at this day.

I thought I would just be collecting checks from the sitcom I did as the neighbor. Right, right. I had just done the seven-year running the neighbor down at fucking, what's my favorite? There's another studio I like. CBS Radford? That damn. Like, I just went to CBS Rap, Studio City. What do you want for lunch, Joe?

How about a little sushi dengue, chicken terriaki white meat, and double up on the salad and a few pieces of Albuquer? Because that's how they roll over there. Right. That's what I thought. but not it didn't turn out that way but sometimes you want to go to China but you end up in fucking Japan

so it's the same difference This shit is just more powerful I love it Like this why you're talking about This wire is a bad motherfucker right here This wire helps me Not have to depend on somebody else telling me Who I'm going to be, how far I'm gonna get

And there's beauty in this wire It's like control your own destiny in this wire There's no more excuses. There's no more excuses in this wire. I don't give a fuck with you. You live in Matuchin, New Jersey. or fucking Iowa. You want to do something now on this whole thing. You want to show me what you got. You know what?

If you got an iPhone now, you can go on Periscope and show me what you got. It's that simple. And if you're that good, you'll shine through. It's that fucking simple. You could go into training now at the age of nine. You could do a show in your fucking bedroom if you're nine. Look at Cassius Morris. Yeah, I was going to say.

In five years, Cassius Moore is going to be fucking Johnny Carson, you know. But it adds a lot of pressure, though. What's the pressure? Now you don't have an excuse. No, you don't have an excuse. Yeah, you don't have an excuse. The cream rises to the crop. Whoever was making excuses, then see you later.

And the people that don't care about excuses, about going out there and getting it, they'll get it. The only thing is sometimes some people have more balls and talent. But I can't get mad at somebody with more balls and talent. At least they're using their balls. That's how I look at it. It's all mixed in some way or another. You say whatever you want to say.

This kid made $10,000 million. What's the, you can't touch this. Can't touch this. Talk about Hammer? Yeah, that motherfucker used to sell albums in front of the comedy store. The people coming out of the comedy store. No way. Chewil will tell you, those door people tell you the stories.

They still remember him. You know, he was a bat boy for fucking the Oakland A's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, sometimes you hear these stories, and this is what it, Lee. Where the fuck were we? We were talking about the desire. Ian, tell him Lee about the desire to be good at stand-up.

What goes through your heart? What goes through your soul? When you sign your name and you're last on the fucking list and you see a dude up on stage that's killing him at the end of your fucking open-mic thing and you're funny than he is. But you can't tell him what the desire. How many times do you want to go on stage? What do you think about all day?

Do you think about anything else when you want to fucking be good at comedy? It's like, it's something like you're in a job where you have to kind of prove yourself every time you get on stage and you have to accept that this is what I do. I got to prove myself. And the desire to, like, this is a funny thing where if you don't do as much as you can, somebody will catch you from behind. And if you don't do as much as you can, you'll never catch the people ahead of you. And so you just always have to stay on your toes and keep working and keep grinding and trying to figure out ways how to gain inches of. on the person in front of you and on the person behind you.

But you have to love to want to do that. You know, you got to love to want to accomplish something. Then it's for you. Then it's easier. You know what I mean? Like, I always want to be funny. Like, I like hanging around with young comics. I think more than, like, some older comics, they get, like, bid all, they just get

tired and wear down. Like, young comics inspire me. Like, oh, these people are hungry. And they look up to me. So I don't want them to never not look up to me Like the way I'm not looking up to this older guy Who's just like just mailing it in So I just want I don't know

I think right now Because I'm not where I want to be I'm still hungry But I hope when I get to where I want to be That I stay hungry as I am now What I love about where I'm at now Is the fact that I'm still hungry And like that that itself is a gift

That I enjoy I'm hungry in the motherfucking You know Always Yeah That's why I love you These wheels are always

Fucking turning Yeah If I have an idea for somebody I'll pass on the car Hey man I was watching on Stasi I think you should really Fucking jump off a building

Whatever the fuck is that you do I love watching you You know Ever since I went back to the comedy store I was trying to explain To my friend Jody today That your game improves I've said it on the podcast

Many times You're at the world best at least the top three places to do stand-up comedy. This is it. This is it. You're a fucking, you're a Texas, you're an Army Ranger. You're a Navy

Seal. You're a fucking, you're the best of the best. You know, and I, a couple nights I went there and watched you, I was blown away by your writing. Blown away from the abortion joke or no commitment. You know, you've got three things going on

that you have broken the joke down, I would love to aspire to write like somebody like you. Are you kidding me? Joe Deere saying this? Oh my God, and you're smooth. You're smooth, which I really like. I like people

that come around the back door and make you think, but fuck your world up. You make them think and fuck their world up. I come at you. Joe Rogan comes at you. It's a no brain. It's a different type of energy. You know, energy is very,

it's jazz it's jazz it's and you know what it's Jamaican jazz which doesn't exist is you the smoothness in your voice

and how your tones and you stop that's the gift that's the gift that people don't know the power of the voice and stand up is what don't hit you

to about the 12th year when you realize how powerful your voice is when I go listen to and then when I get loud It's too, that the power of the mind. And I know it. I don't know how to teach you to you.

If you came to me, Lee, and said, I want to be the best stand-up. I was watching the other night and what you do with your voice. Your voice controls the game. That's why they give you the microphone. That's why I fuck up and walk away from the microphone. When you walk away from the microphone, you lose your power. That power is, but your voice and comedy and your thing. Like when I close my eyes, it's like Julius Serving.

The rhythm is in the... Damn, I'll take that. Yeah, you're the smoothness. And I've never heard that type of smoothness. There's a guy that has that smoothness. But it's a complete different smoothness, and that's Dave Chappelle. Right, right. It's a complete different smoothness.

You took it somewhere else. So it's really... That's what I see, man. In my comedy world, I like... But I'm a student of the game. I want to see what makes you tick, and I want to see why they're laughing. You know what I'm saying?

I want to see why they're laughing. Let's see why they're fucking really. laughing. Are they his words? If people knew that your words don't even matter. Right. If people knew at home, it's like when people say, I love intelligent comedy and thoughtful. I like in comedy what they say, that incites my brain.

Go suck a dick that smells like ass. That'll make you fucking think. You know what I'm saying? That don't make you think. Go suck a dick that smells like ass. Yeah, why is this guy's dick smells like ass as you're sucking it? That's a $54,000 question right there. but it's uh I love stand-up man

I've always loved it and the more I do it the more respect I have for it I have a ton of respect for it I've never run a light I've never disrespect to the comic like that I have a ton of respect for it because it took me out of a dark place

it took me out of a gutter I respect it I respect it like a fucking lion I respect that comedy store stage I know what's happened to me you know I never went to Juilliard I ain't no fucking Who's the big black dude?

Oh, Raines. I didn't go to Juilliard. I didn't go to Juilliard. I didn't take no acting classes when I was in New York. You know what? Acting was fucking fronting drugs.

Your life. That's your life. Acting is when you go up to people and say, dog, let me 20. I'll bring you back in an hour. I got this chick that's coming. This dude, I sold them in a cyclopedia and they give you the 20.

That's acting. And there you were in a fucking room with, you know, the director from a drugstore cowboy. and John Travolta's in the room and I thought about that today because Battlestar Galactica what's that movie Travolta made about? The Scientologist

Something Earth. Battle Earth. Something like that. Bro, me and Billy Gladdell were about to get hired to be Travolta's sidekicks in a movie about a singer from Hoboken, New Jersey

that disrespected Sinatra. In true story, Jimmy Roselli, disrespected Frank Sinatra, didn't sing on his mother. Jimmy Roselli was Petroval. Sinatra was petrified of Roselli. He had a better voice in Sinatra. And his mother would always talk about Jimmy Rosselli. You gotta be more like Jimmy Roselli.

So when Sinatra busted out, he hired Jimmy Roseli to sing in his mother's thing and he never showed up. So he said, really? I'm cutting you on. He cut him all so bad to Jimmy Roselli. You sell albums from the trunk of his car in Hoboken, New Jersey. Damn. And the Italians would go, Jimmy, close the trunk. You're embarrassing. So we had that fucking movie And I'll never forget, dog

I went to the comedy store on the Sunday And got fucked up Like blow And the whole fucking thing Eating somebody's ass Like till three in the morning Just a normal Tuesday And I had a callback for this

Now I had gone over it I knew it But that fucking cocaine And all that party And threw the shit off And I went in there Monday at 10 o'clock. I thought it was going to be me and who directed Cocaine Cowboy,

you know? Van Zand. No, no, the movie. With Matt Dillon, Van Zant. Badass motherfucker. He did something after that. It wasn't bad. I thought it was just going to be Gus Van Zand. Fuck, no, it was Travolta. Oh, shit. At 10.15.

Oh, shit. After the night you had. After the night I got, Travolta got to show up in this bitch. And I remember I had to go in there first, and he was great, and I did great, and they called my agent and they said you know what we got a pin in them and two days later my agent goes you got a spot tonight somewhere they want to come see you gus van zant and the casting director i said yeah the comedy store and they fucking showed up gus van sanchet shook my hand he said

listen i'll be seeing you soon and i'm in miami doing the improv feeling good about myself i'm about to do a travolta movie and my fucking manager calls me because dog he took battlefield galactico over fucking some scientology movie over your movie it's over it got written to script is done nothing they never did it again. He had to take that movie. He had to take Battlefield Earth. Yeah, they showed them pictures and playing with little fucking Asian boys, playing

soccer with little Asian boys with fucking thongs on. They know all his secrets. They recorded them. Yeah, he had to take it. Who would tell somebody? That's how they got You've seen the Scientology documentary? I'll tell you what, this is how they come to you, though. You don't tell him shit at first. They come to you. Once you're sucking some

dude's dick, he's going to take out like a little iPhone and go, somebody wants to talk to you. Tyroscope. And it's that old dude Jell Ron Hubby going, listen, we got you. We got cameras all over whatever. We got a doldow up your ass.

That's going to be fucked up when we show the pictures to welcome back Carter. You better be up at 4444-4-Lose Felice tomorrow. Bring an envelope and bring a notebook. Remember, he took the courses. Did you see it? They talked about it. He took the courses. He was in.

You know, it's funny about that documentary. Like, the first two courses in in Scientology are actually legit. Like, if you break it down, it's like any religion. Like, every religion has, like, roots of truth. And then after that, they just make shit up. And to me, when I was watching the scientists, this could have actually been a decent, honest religion.

But then they started making up levels so that you can pay more money to get to those levels. And it was a point of, like, pride and esteem for people to get to those levels and then you get to the briefcase level where they just open this briefcase and they tell you this crazy-ass story that couldn't be true

and you were worse off at that level than you were in level one and level two if you had just tapped out right then and there but they just made this shit up for money but the first two things it has to be believable enough to get you in and you're like every time you're going up you're like

but the first two levels were legit so the rest of the shit even though it feels hokey it should be all right. And the same thing Christianity does or just most religions. It's like, you know, the first few things, like, this is solid.

And it gets, you keep going up. That's when shit gets crazy. But you believe them because of the first two. Have you guys ever got tested? I've been here four and a half years and I just like two weeks ago.

You got tested? No, I didn't get tested. Someone asked me on the street if I wanted to. And you kept walking at home. Hell yeah. Yeah, I'd never do it. It's like Santeria. one minute you're throwing some cards next minute you up in the Bronx

naked getting water poured on you by three black dudes to play the Congre drama shit first two levels of Santa Maria Santeria is good That's right we have to do a little fucking Tony Bennett Break it up a little bit and shit We do this every Monday out of respect

All right I want to be around Pick up the pieces This is a bad ass jam for When somebody breaks I like this, dude. I like Tony Bennett because he never panicked. You know what I mean?

His whole career, he's never panicked. He just got older at all. Yeah, I'm just going to get fucking paid. He's like 100. Do me a favor. Play the beginning of I left my heart in San Francisco. Doug, this song I play this every Monday, Monday morning as I'm getting ready.

And sometimes I'm doing shit in the next song for Ozana, because it's a great thing. greatest hits album. And I left my heart in San Francisco. You gotta hear the first fucking verses. Oh, where? He knocks it out of the park, though. Knocks it out of the park.

The loveliness of Paris seems somehow too much. Sorry. Sorry. The love in a sea of Paris. Don't touch nothing, cock's sucking.

The glory that was Rome is of another day. I've been terribly alone. I'm fine, we're good. Bite that fucking finger. I'm going home to my city by the bay. I left my heart. That's a bad dude, though. He's a gangster.

In San Francisco. That's a bad motherfucker right there. That guy takes it to the next level for a white dude. That's hilarious. He's fucking singing songs of Lady Gaga. Who's uglier? You ever see them two standing together? Who the fuck?

Who's that ugly contest? It's hilarious. They both got hooked noses. You know, you break out of Coke rock around those two vacuums to see what happens. Yeah, it looked like she got on a Tony Bennett costume. Like, who's who? Oh, my God. But I like him, man, because he stuck around.

He's like, like, he had to weather out Sinatra and just everybody else, music changing. And he's like, I'm just going to keep doing this shit. I'm never, keep his tuxedo. And then he kind of won. He went through a lot. He weathered a lot of music genres, changes, bigger stars than him. But this motherfucker kind of. And then he started singing duets with Bono.

Yeah. He just started doing fucking duets with people. It's, it's, no, you really got to hand it to him. Yeah. Some people just weather it to fuck out. Yeah. How many times have you been like, oh, this Tony Bennett thing's going to go away? And it's a decade, after decade after decade, you know, like Tony Bennett's household.

You know what? Because he stays out there. Yeah. Even if he ain't singing, you know, he stays out there. He's probably out there three weekends a month. Yeah. Probably has it down. One show, you know, $52 a ticket.

he sings for 45 minutes and gets a fuck out of that and he goes back to his hotel room and he goes to sleep and he takes care of himself he has a train and he eats well he's like you know those guys how old is Tony Bennett let's see how old that motherfucker is and let's see where he is this weekend he's like when Frank Snatcher dies

they're going to need someone to sing old music and I'm just going to be alive and I'm going to be the dude and he made it this motherfuckerger's amazing All right, so he's born in 26. So he's 74 there, 74 and 15 is what?

He's about to turn 90. He's about to turn 89. When is he traveling? Where is he this weekend? Let's see. He's fucking always some way, dog. I guarantee he's some fucking casino jumping up and down this weekend. Oh shit.

He's in London. He's in London with Lady Gaga. Oh, shit. And then he's going to El. Atlantis with Lady Gaga, New York, everybody at the City Music Hall. So they have an album together or something shit? I think they were in Vegas.

Wasn't Tolkien they're saying they're in Vegas together? I knew they did a song, but they have an album together? Something. I don't know. They're going all over the country. Monte Carlo. Fucking 90. Fucking 90.

Belgium, Italy. And he's on London tonight doing a show, the flight. Somebody said they bumped into him in LAX. Somebody saw him. Some friend of mine said, said, I saw Tony Bennett. it looked like a million bucks. That's what it is.

Those guys, you know, Ross would have been cleaning up, not Cosby. Cosby was doing shows and were under the ticket. I went to see him. He went to see him.

He was cleaning up, and how long does he do? He sits the whole time. He did, like, a while. He went to, like, the taping of his special. He did like almost, I think, two hours,

two and a half hours. How was that special? The one I saw was great. The one they put out sucked. He did two hours. They had to condense it. But, uh, yeah. I blew it.

I wanted to see him. and some of my friends went to see him, and then I'll say, I'll get a chance to see him, and then the scandal dropped. He's still doing some gigs, though. Yeah. I should look it up and go see him before he got no more shows. Before somebody gives him one of those Cosby pills and shit. Yeah, before, yeah, it's hilarious.

That's what they should change it to. Oh, the Cosby pill? Oh, my God. I've gotten women fucked up, and I've never given them a Cosby pill. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't have the balls to do that. Because they're going to know when they wake up in the morning. Right, right.

And you're going to fuck them, and they're going to feel their pussy's fucked up. You know, what are you going to do? Just, what happened? I don't know. My pussy hurts. I got a fucked up thing in my eye. You know, what happened last night? Because I used to do creepy shit.

I'm coming to ham when they're sleeping and shit. I'll do creepy shit, though. Once I bang them and then my dick would get hard, like, an hour later, they'd be passed out. Right. I'd go back in that room and, like, open up their legs and look at that little monkey again and try to bang one out and shit. I'm fucking fucked up. I'd love it to be on CNN Another Joey Diaz

Accuser There's no Doey-J-Dia's accuses I'm just saying It's fucking it's true But I could never Give somebody I don't know when the roofies were big Right

I used to hang out with a girl That liked taking them Oh for real? We'd split one We'd split one And Boulder Damn That's fucking crazy

But I've never put in some chick's drink I'd be fucking embarrassed That's not my game I would never poison somebody like that. I don't mind poisoning Lee giving him a metalist of the lion doing this shit. We all know you don't mind doing that. I don't think Lee would mind it either.

I could take a break. Wouldn't be that, Ben. It's, uh... I don't know, man. I just... And I've known you for a while, but I didn't go to the store, so I didn't see you as much. Right, yeah. You, you stopped coming through. Then I didn't see you. And then, but, you know, after the changes, you know,

the Tommy Out thing. And you and Rogan came back and just breathed like fresh air into the store, man. It's a great place. It's a great place now. Like some of that darkness that had more darkness, but you need some of the darkness to create the atmosphere that the store is. But some of it is lifted. So it has the right mix of light and darkness. But the store does need some type of darkness.

The darkness is what pulls the comedy out of you. Right. If you let the store get into you like that late. night sets and you go down there four nights a week and you let me tell you something it'll pull some shit out of you that you don't know is in there right because this is the way I used it I had to follow Mooney so by the time I got up they had heard everything they had heard everything gee so now you gotta talk to them about what the fuck was going on and in that there's pearls of wisdom they're tough to get to but it's a different angle

I love being under pressure with 200 eye balls on that's my world that's when I can really kick it in especially if I smoke a little bit and I'm just kicking back in that stance, it's going to be a fucking long night for you. But the store taught me that. The darkness of the store, listen, it don't, a fucking, just, no regular people become

comedians. No regular people become from comedians. If you come from a normal fucking childhood, you don't become a comedian. Somewhere along the line, something stung you, and you're trying to work out, you don't even know it's stinging. That's the weird thing about comedy, you don't even know, you know. And

there you are. For me, I don't know what the Fuck it was. You said you made up your mind. You didn't want a fucking day job. I'll tell you what, neither did I. And this was, and I'm telling you honest, this was the path of least resistance at that time. Right, right, right. When I was 31 years old, this was it.

I had nothing. I had nothing at that time. I got divorced. I blew all my credit cards. You know, there was no more, nobody would front me, no more pills. There was no coke dealers left. I couldn't rob nobody. They'd blame it on me. You'd robbed everybody. I had to rob. There was no drug dealers left to rob and

Boulder and I had to do some. And I knew that if I stuck to something, because the plan was, even if this didn't work out, the next level, I was going to get a kilo of coke and two guns and let's play it out to the end of time to see what happens. Whether a gun,

whether the fucking blow kills me or somebody shoots me, let's see what happens. And I'm really fucking happy that the colony saved me, you know? So when I got into it, I put a heavy commitment into this. It's like you. You've been doing it 23, 24 years Like me, 24 years, at the 8-year mark, you're in.

Right. You ever see people in L.A. when you got here, and also you forget about those motherfuckers, and you see them on Facebook, and you see what the fuck they're doing now? Yeah. And you sit there, like, and you go, I went to an acting class at this motherfucker, Rob. I went to a meeting.

This guy was up for a show with me. He quit. It feels like you're looking at somebody's funeral. They're alive, but they're not doing what you met them doing, and you feel sad that they didn't continue. And it's almost like, Like, I remember, this is another huge story. I was like, hey, man, Teddy's moving back to New York.

And he's like, Teddy's moving back to New York? And he said it like Teddy died. I said, no, he's still alive. But you're right. That thing is moving back to New York. He's dead. And that's how I look at it in that vein that you just mentioned. I look at it that commitment you told me you were in was all fake.

You were confused. You came to a minute. You went to Montreal. you got the deal. You were at the store, you were at the improv, you got to manage, and then one day out of the fucking clear blue sky, I don't see you no more.

I don't know what happened. And then three years later, Facebook comes along with Twitter, and there you were on Facebook, talking a leak. And I look at your page, and I see a kid or whatever, and I see that you're at a bowling league now. I'm not mad at you.

By no means. I don't even think you're dead. I don't even look at you. it that way. And I know they all miss it. Like Mike Ricker misses it. Right. And Mike left. All his homies miss it. But I don't understand how you came out

in had this commitment. We did all these things. You were at the Laugh Factory with me. We did all these things and one day you just stopped. I never understood that. I never understood that. I can't get that and I hope I never get that. I never want to understand it.

I just want to keep pushing forward. and just keep this energy that I got to just keep going forward. No, listen, you're a special fucking gem. You're already there. It's just, you know that jar that nobody could open? And your mother comes along with a missing finger. It opens that motherfucker. That's all that's right at the point where you're at right now.

You and I both know this. You're talented. It's your time. You just need a little push over. You can never, listen, man, this is going to taste better for you. You didn't come here. You wanted to fly. How many flashed in the pads you know how here?

How many? People got a big deal in Montreal, and they started cutting motherfuckers at the store, bumping bitches at the store. And now you see them and they can't even make look at you. Look at that thing I read five weeks ago about Vinnie Faberito. Why aren't we at the store of Vinnie Fabrito? I know that name.

Who the fuck is that? The dude who robbed everybody in Vegas. He took loans. Italian dude. He's a comic, right? That dude came out here with a blaze of gruel. glory. I mean, he shot every motherfucker.

He went to the store, bam, went to Jamesada, bang. Went to the improv. Not only did the improv put him up, but fucking what's his name, started taking him on tour with him. The old man. Who that? You know, fucking Bud Friedman. Start putting him everywhere. All the kid was,

went to Montreal, didn't get a deal, but came back. Somebody gave him a TV show. He took the magician in with him, and all of a sudden, shit started spilling out from everywhere that this guy had done an open mic class in Boston took everybody's money and left

he's one of those type of gangsters then he disappeared from here then people are like no he's in Vegas he's doing fucking great and I'm sitting there going this dude had a really bad gambling problem and now he goes to Vegas and it just disappeared

and I'm not the type of guy's going to put him down you just give like that a guy like that rope it's like me going to Miami in 95 I would have been dead right now. Right, right. You don't send Joey Diaz to Miami for no reasons at all in those days. The Coke up here is 60. Down there, it's $25.

You know, how many of those I can do that are in the fucking day? Yeah. You know, it's like they sent Hollywood Henderson to Miami. You're too young for Hollywood Anderson, right? Oh, you remember Hollywood Anderson, right? No, I don't remember. Hollywood Henderson was a fucking bad-ass Dallas cowboy. Bad-ass mistakes of Texas.

When I'm type of black motherfuckers, I'll give it the article. I'll put it in my car. This dude Sergio Oaker gave it to me. And he describes his first day at Thousand Oaks. At the training facility right here in California. The Dallas Cowboys do that thing up there. Here I am, a 20-year-old rookie.

And all I got is $15, three-hits of acid, a gram of a blow in a couple joints. And I'm in a dormitory with a bunch of fucking Momo. Something like you're like... And from there on, dog, he talks about going to the commie store picking up prior and the pointer sisters and fucking cooking up fucking crack

free base is what they called He had 20? He was dog This guy was ripping it up He was ahead of his time He was ahead of his time Nobody remembers it no more Let me tell you interesting story

He fucking Started intercepting motherfuckers like getting interceptions And then they went to the Super Bowl And he took a canned orange crush That's what they called the Denver defense and he crushed on national TV and then the Super Bowl he called an interception

and ran it into the Super Bowl and that's motherfucker was King Dick and if you read like that whole Playboy thing he talks about having an apartment up here and having three white bitches having an apartment in Dallas and that for his 27th birthday and two Todd Jones gave him

four bitches, a redhead, an Asian or a black chick and a fucking a Martian and he fucked all four of him and I mean this guy I mean, you're sitting there going, holy fuck. And they start talking about fucking carrying pistols and being up here. And he just went AWOL. So after he wins the Super Bowl, they all know he's crazy.

And if they show old footage of Dallas, it's really interesting to see him because in the locker room, after they won that Super Bowl, you can see him in the back. When no shirt, I'm going, party. Like, he was just out there. He was 20 years ahead of his time. and then in the game on CBS he fucking they were losing and the camera went to him and he went like this

with number one motherfucker or something next day Tom Landry cut his ass and when they sent him Miami and shit and he just went A war and got guns but he got locked up went to jail, came out, became a born-again Christian about six years ago he won a million dollars in the Texas lottery oh for real Jesus he's born lucky

there you go and shit was he on the team that went 16 and no. The Dallas, no, that's Miami Dolphins. That's what I meant because you said he went to Miami. He went to, no, no, no, he went to Miami like in

77 and there was way after that. No, this happened like in 75, 76. You got to get your shit together. You're a lot younger. You're a young man. You don't remember these things and shit. I don't, you know what? It might not even be a age thing.

Like, I was in Jamaica probably when that shit was happening. So I came. No CBS Sports in Japan. So some reason they didn't have American football. in Jamaica. So, you know. How many years were you in Jamaica?

Nine to... To 17. Went to high school down there? They went to high school down there. And he was smoking gonzone, that shit. Yeah, we did it like we had like a soccer field in my neighborhood and then there's

a play with like the older dudes and then there was in Jamaica when people start building a house, it could take 20 years to finish building the house. So then there's this house across the field across the street from the soccer field that it wasn't abandoned.

It's just that they had the whole frame up to all the blocks, but it had no windows. Some of it didn't have no roof. Like somebody was like building it slowly, sending money down and like building it brick by brick. So it was kind of like a clubhouse with no floor. And we just hang out over there. I remember one day it was raining.

And I went to the soccer field, see if they was playing. And look at the house and there's smoke coming from out the house. And walk over there, all the older soccer dudes were there and there's passing joints around, smoke with them and shit, and do stuff like that. Let me ask you something. You know, what's the religion Bob Marley

did? Rastafarian. And they, who's their god? They believe, like, Haley Salasi was the second coming of Christ. But when he sings that song, Exodus, who's he saying in the beginning?

They believe in the Bible, but they believe that Haley Salasi is the second coming of Christ. So they believe in the Old Testament and so they're kind of Christian. I don't want to like

say, but there's a lot of shit from the Bible that they believe. And then they also believe about you know that corporate people and a lot white people did a lot of fucked up shit and it was about and they believe in Helles Lass

because there was a picture of him and his foot, Ethiopia was at war with Italy and they beat Italy and there's a picture of him Haley Slice with his foot on this bomb that didn't explode like a missile or some shit and it just was like oh shit this motherfucker's God you know and he just became basically

Rastafarian's God Rastafarian is Jesus Christ and I think I'm accurate but you know you could check it but and you know it was about just being healthy and being spiritual and living good and not hurting people and smoking dope. And smoking, you know, just to get in the spiritual thing, get in contact with your higher

consciousness and not fucking people over and growing your hair like Mar-Mau tribe style. You know? No shit. Being fearless, yeah. So you're 17, you end up in New York City. Who's up there? My mother's there and we all came up. Me, my father, my two sisters and my brother.

And I finished high school. In Uniondale High School in Long Island, went there. By the Coliseum. Near the Coliseum, yeah. And I was just like, there's a bunch of Jamaicans there hung out with them because I identified with them. But they was making fun of the Yankee kids, like dominated the school. Yankees like any American black kid, we call them Yankees. They call us Yardis, and we fight every day.

And if a Jamaican person got into a fight, you was in a fight. And I was like, why you're all starting these fights? These niggas outnumber us. We in America. Like, why? Like, are we bad at math? Like, we're not going to win this fight after school. There's 10-yardies, 200 Yankees,

stop starting these fights. But you got to go fight or else, then you've got no friends. It's like being in jail. It's like, if you don't fight with your people, then you ain't got no people. So you either don't fight or switch. Or switch. I can't switch.

My accent was thick. Like, nigga, you was Jamaican yesterday. There's no way you went Jamaican now. We can't hear it. So it's just like, fuck it. But, you know, we had fun. And, you know, we just got along. Just started knowing people and spreading.

Had a little job at Burger King. First, I started cutting lawns. had my own business and got a little job of Burger King and worked there for a long time, stayed there too long. And like through college and shit and I had security guard jobs and shit like that. And one day when I was at Burger King, some dude was on the drive-through. So then I had a problem, not a problem, but learning how to communicate with people. Like the way I'm talking to you now, like I had to learn this.

I'd been in, like, when I was a kid in England, that was my comfort zone. I was from zero to nine, all I knew was English, you know what I'm saying, like hanging around English people. And a lot of those English people were my cousins. They were Jamaican, but you just, it was a mixed society and you know how to communicate and talk with them. Like, they only had, whatever radio stations they had, everybody listened to it. You know, whatever sports they were, everybody followed it. So then it was easy to communicate with people. Then when you moved to Jamaica, or when we moved to Jamaica, I knew a lot about Jamaica because in England, our parents taught us that.

And England used to be a colony of England, so we had a lot of things in common. So then when I was in Jamaica, I could easily relate. Plus, I was interesting because I'm a nigger from England in Jamaica, so people want to talk to you. You know what I'm saying? But then when you're Jamaican and you come to America, and you're like, it's kind of intimidating because it's all the shit you've seen on TV and now you're here in this big ass pot and it's like in Jamaica you could feel the side of the pool

in America there is no side of the pool you're just in the middle of it and you're like you've got to navigate your way around this shit so that's when I started watching started rooting for the giants like I learned that people talk sports and music and sports music and there was a guy there his name was Greg Ellis. He was funny as shit. He was a singer.

And he was funny as shit. And everybody loved hanging around Greg and working on his ship at Burger King. This thing would just have you laughing, plounding people. And I enjoyed hanging out with him. And I was like, oh, that's what you do. You just get funny. You tap into your funny side. And, you know, I was so just socially lost. I forgot that, you know, something that I was doing naturally in Jamaica. when you're trying to find your center in a new place, you forget until it hits you. Oh, the shit you was doing in Jamaica, nigger.

Just being a person and being funny and have some context on how to be funny. Like no sports, no music. Because you feel behind. Like the things that everybody knows out here, you don't know. So you feel behind. So you're doing a lot of catching up. And you're pretending to know shit you're doing.

don't know to, you know, just so you can, like, fit in, fit in. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? It's a... So it's all that shit going on. Oh, my God, you just took me back. Because for me, it wasn't as much as the English. It was, I mean, since day one. Like, I remember waking up and, if you asked me, when did this all started, started

127th Street. Mm-hmm. And there, I learned how to... I didn't know black and white. I just knew friends. Where I lived on 88th Street, those kids didn't talk to me because my mom would talk to me in Spanish. So they wouldn't talk to me.

I don't know why. But after hanging out with Jasper in that whole scene, when I went back to 88th Street, and once I got to that school, I was always very timid and quiet. I felt socially unacceptable. I was Cuban. I wasn't as good as the white kids.

You don't know how to fit in you. you're trying to find that and that's who saved me was my mom in a kindergarten on my birthday that bitch brought a Carvel cake in a case of Coca-Cola in cans the motherfuckers love me after that they knew I didn't fuck around

and I got myself a little piece ass little Chinese girl after that and I started going to her house I ain't fucking with you her father used to draw for Charles Schultz so we get the first screenings of fucking any peanut movies she'd take me in with these Chinese gum

with the wrap of Chinese candy with the rapper and we watch it and I go to the house and then something happened and at that time I was a decent kid I was very quiet I was very timid the green hornet came along and I'm watching this Chinese motherfucker bit slap people right and I'm like I like this but I can never do this this is not my world I could never see myself lifting up my hand to another child my mom was an antagonizer my mom always wanted me to protect myself right and I go mom I don't want to hit him My mom would take me home and go, next time I kept pushing, you got to punch him in the fucking pace, and my mom would have hand signals, and sometimes I do it, sometimes I wouldn't when I was in the park,

but I got hit in the head with a flashlight, at Central Park. Somebody hit me, took my, not a flash, out of a lunchbox, the container, and they hit me, and that changed my game, because I didn't like that feeling of getting beaten the fuck up. Now I get it, why my mom's saying, you got to slip and bit slap a motherfucker, but it was too late I got the stitches. So after that, my hook was being crazy. So if you jumped off the third floor, I jumped off the fifth floor. Right.

If you fought two guys, I fought three guys. If you hit them with one egg, I hit them with three eggs. Right. I was one of those motherfuckers. And then I went up to 148th Street. And that's the melting pot. I was black, Puerto Rican, Irish, a couple Jews, a couple Germans. Everybody got along.

It's like, do the right thing. Do the right thing as a beautiful movie. because it's about people just talking out loud. But deep down inside, we all get along with one another. We have to communicate one another every fucking day. I got to go to your Korean store. You've got to walk by me to get fucking shoes. There's interaction.

No, there's interaction that you don't know about. Even though I'm sitting on the corner going those fucking Puerto Ricans, those fucking niggas. Meanwhile, I'm at the corner with him hugging him, giving him a dollar so he'd get a bottle. Because that's how I rode. But you follow me? They get along. You just get along. That's where I got that little melting potters where I just got hip.

Like I knew that you had to back your friends. You know, if you want to be fucking whatever, if somebody's fucking with Lee and I'm there and there's eight motherfuckers, you want people to not fuck with you jumping for Lee and bit slap. And that's it. You're the leader of this crew. Now, you're giving all this. You're hanging out with the other leaders and shit.

So that's the way I knew. I never knew it was about being funny. I never had an idea. That came in later on at 13. the odd couple. But being, like, jumping from the fourth window, when somebody jumps from the third, that shit is funny. Like, you're doing a lot of funny shit,

but you don't know how much you're entertaining people. You know, you're entertaining people more than scaring the shit out of them. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're the crazy, funny motherfucker. You know, but you're identifying with the crazy part, but people are like, this motherfucker is entertaining. I like to hang around this motherfucker. He's amazing.

Do you remember the 45 singles? Yeah, the records Okay My mom had a jukebox at the bar So when the 45 singles were done She'd keep them in the box When I went to her record shop I'd take the 45 singles

And put them in a bag and take them home She'd go, what are you going to do? I'm going to listen to them I want to listen to them I go to my back window And there'd be people out there walking Oh, yeah There was a parking garage back there

And I whipped those things out of there And hit motherfuckers in the heads And for months Nobody knew who it was I would go off and the kids would be saying Yeah, man. Somebody's whipping fucking records that motherfuckers out there.

He cut this guy, he hit this guy in the head, he hit this guy's dog. And finally, one day, I told these three little gangsters, I go, if I tell you a secret, you won't say that.

I'm like, I'm the motherfucker. That's been launching those 45s out the window. They're like, come on. No, and I go, come upstairs. I had boxes out of them.

Holy shit. These motherfuckers went nuts. I get him like a ham and cheese sandwich. I let them up there throwing those things out of the window for like an hour. Oh, my gosh. God. You were a terror.

I said it's crazy, but it's fun. You know what I'm saying? Like throwing records and eating ham and cheese? Oh, my God. For now? Oh, these little Puerto Rican kids. Where are you going to find fun like that? No, that was my whole thing.

I was always, I wasn't one of these okay. I wasn't a bad kid. I just loved to rock. Right. Like at that age, even at that age, with the broken English, I was a professional. In New York City, they had trees. But in the spring, They would come with these fucking dirt balls.

There were these little fertilizer, fucking Arab balls. That's how they bought the World Trade Center with these little things. And they were like man-made dirt, and they put it around the tree. And then after the rain, they would sink in and break in. Those things, when they'd hit you, they would hit you. They hurt a little bit, but they blow up. So you'd have dust all over you and shit, right? Dog, I would launch those little fucking things.

I hit a motherfucker in Puerto Rico, a nice cube. You should have been a pitcher. Oh, my God, from the eighth floor at the hotel. You were night, people? From the eighth floor on a Puerto Rican hotel with my family. I went upstairs, and I started throwing ice cubes off the roof, and some dude was walking, and that ice cube caught momentum, and I knocked that motherfucker out.

And they were looking to see what he was doing, and they knocked on my door, and they knew for the look at my face. I was guilty as I was about to say that. That's hilarious. You said to me the other day, you said, like, you're going to be, like, Cumber's going to come back at you with mercy? My daughter, I know for a fact. I was from 4 to 7, man.

I was brutal after my dad died. You know, when you lose your dad, you got no control. My mom didn't know what to do. My mom was crazy, so she gave it back to me. I would overpowered a regular woman at that age. It was just a horror show what I did to my mom. And I wasn't a bad kid. I just missed my dad.

Once she remarried, that calmed me down. And then... Did you accept that dude right away? Yes, I did. It was the weirdest thing because I had, I yearn for a man. Right. You know, I was always around women and shit. I liked it, but after a while I'm smelling perfume and people kissing me. I got lipstick on. They call me my fucking hair.

I want to learn how to sling dick, Jack. So now you're in Jamaica and whatever. You mentioned something about the 45 records like in Jamaica. So we used to live in this place called church plant. and there's this town called Old Harbor. It's like a one mile walk. And my father worked at the end of Old Harbor at this soybean factory. Like he was an engineer over there.

And at night, my sisters used to cook. And then one of us had to take him the food for dinner. And so it was my turn. And you give us bus fare. But if you walk the mile and walk the mile back, you get to keep the bus fare. And then there was this record that was hot on the radio at the time. this record and shit.

So I said, I'm going to walk there and back, buy the record and walk back, and then we get home. My father's going to be at work. Me and my brother's going to just play this shit all night. So then I get to Old Harbor, walk, giving the food, say goodbye, stop at the radio, the record stop, get the 45. I'm running home, not paying attention.

All I'm thinking about this. And somebody had dug up the fire hydrant that was on the sidewalk and they left the hole that was filled with water. And I fell. Like a kid fell in the middle of the night

and we don't have streetlights. So I'm like one minute I'm running and the next minute I'm like You're like Ray Charles' little brother in that tub of shit. Yeah, I'm like I'm drowning with a record trying to trying to hold it above the holes

so it doesn't and I have to climb out that fucking money hold and then make it the rest of the way home. They're like, what the fuck happened to you? I don't know. Just put this record on and we just played that shit all night. There's just shit like that.

The crazy fucking world. Jamaica. What club did you go up first time? First time was I worked in East Meadow, Burr King's of the club. The guy said that I think... Hold on. Chuckles.

No, I was Chuckles. I did Chuckles too. Like, I used to do chuckles. But governors was the first one. So I used to go back and forth between East Meadow. East Meadows where governors are at and chuckles and... Is it Minneola or some shit? Yeah, Minneola.

Yeah. So I used to do that. Grandpies in Staten Island? I never really fucked with Staten Island like that. I would go to Yonkers, though. What was in Yonkers? Shooting Stars or some shit like that was there. Black Club?

White Club. White Club. They'd have mics. You know, nights where... It wasn't the weekend, but, you know, like maybe five or ten people would show up in the audience, and we just give them all our bad comedy. Just beat them, beat the, try to get all the bad shit out of us, you know, try to do good. Some of us would.

Some night you'd be very inconsistent, it was frustrating. And some nights, most nights, first, like three, four years of comedy, they wouldn't even be crowd sometimes. Sometimes, like, you wouldn't go on for weeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you get to a spot, and there's like, no show tonight. You wait around those shows. You just go eat and talk shit.

Who was around back then? What year was this when you're getting on stage the first couple times? Trying to remember who was around. I know why I used to go to the comic strip to try to pull the numbers, right. The numbers. And I know Sant, so I'd always get a number because you know the guy that used to give the numbers out. I don't remember him. It was a guy.

He got killed like Mondays, right? Mondays or something? You went there, you got on on a Monday, but you went there the first Friday of every month, they would do the lotto. You imagine that way. So if you're a young kid or whatever, and you want to get a spot on that stage for that month, you have to, there's a long line of, like, bad comics, including me, and you go up to the podium, and they have pieces of paper turned over. Some of them had numbers. Some of them didn't. You got a piece of paper with a number.

then they'd give you a spot on one Monday for that month. And I'd go, wait on line. And it was a big thing to me. Like the first time I went there, I wanted to get a number. How many did they have? How many, like, numbers did they have? Not, maybe, like, I don't know. I can't, I never thought about it.

Maybe 13 numbers for the whole month. you know and you you drive to Manhattan is a big thing and you want to get on and then you're online you're moving up you're moving up then it's your turn and the first time I picked up a piece of paper had no number and I thought I just came all the way here for nothing

I'm not going to get on and then I just went back on the back of the line I was like I gotta try again and then you get there now there's only like three pieces of paper left and it was you didn't get a number when there was more paper why the fuck would you get a number now so then

I'm looking at the papers. People were behind me like, nigger, hurry up and pick a number so we can not pick a number. And I'm like looking at the thing. There was a piece of, there was a piece of paper in the corner. And it's just so funny how much, how big of a decision this was, picking up one of these pieces of paper, because you just needed to get on. And I went for right here, right at the corner of the podium,

and there was a number on it, and I got a spot. and then every time I went to the comic strip to pick a number on the first Friday every month I would always pick it from that corner and there was always a number and I would get a spot and then I'd see Adam Sadler, Chris Rock, come through or just people you've seen on TV

you had names and I'd stay, I'd do my spot they'd tell me, now we're not going to make you a regular but they'd stay in that fishbowl section and just watch like people you're seeing on TV. And you're a kid and you're like having the time of your life trying to make it. Like at least you can see some end results and you have friends that you went to high school with, but they're not doing this, what you're doing. They didn't see Adam Sadler that night.

They didn't see Chris Rock. They didn't see Seinfeld or whoever came in. They're not living the life you live and you start separating from them because you're, actually feel special even though you're broken than them. You know what I mean? You're like your life is never going to be filled with laughter like mine. I can't really

fuck with you like that. And then I remember one Friday I went to pick numbers and I was insecure because I picked like five numbers in a row from this corner spot and I was like there's nowhere it's going to be here again. And I said

I panicked and I grabbed something from the middle. There was no number right now. I was like, fuck. I should. to pick from the corner. I got back on the line and I was like praying please don't let nobody pick a piece of paper from that corner and I went back and there was a piece of paper in the corner and I picked it

there was a number on it and then from then on I never didn't pick from the corner. Fuck no. I always got on. They never passed it but I always got on. I never had the patience to wait on a line like that. I know like that laugh factory shit he puts you through when you first moved on. Oh yeah yeah.

I did that one time, and I felt so fucking degrading. Like, I was like, if I got to do that, I ain't doing it. I just won't work that fucking club. That line's a different line. That line's a crazy line. Like, from my memory, the line of the comic strip in New York, those were comics. Those are comics. You're absolutely correct.

The laugh at your line, people got on costumes. People are homeless. People are like, like, got nothing to do with comedy or should have nothing to do with comedy or on that line. People go to the Comedy Store on Monday nights. Right. Seven to ten. Half of them have mental illness. Don't take a fucking genius to know that.

He's sitting there going, Joey, you're fucked up too. Yeah, but these people really fucked up. Boom Chakalaka shows up with a fucking thing, a shopping car. Jeff Richards puts him in videos. That crazy bastard. Boom, Chacalaka. The other guy who comes late night and he's a Nazi and he goes in the bathroom, he let him on fire,

Michael Epivaya, whatever is fucking. name is, I don't even know. He still comes to the school. Yeah, I don't think so. I got to call one day, Joey, why'd you like Epivai on fire last night in the batten? That wasn't me. I was Don Barris. I guess he hated Jews or he was German. Oh, I know that guy. The German, yeah. Some of them night and you go like this to him, he hated. He's weird as shit. Yeah, he's weird as shit. I know that guy. So they were waiting to go to the batten and lock him in there from outside. And then they would throw fire in the fucking thing from...

Jesus. It's like it's in a prison cell I mean You should sit him on fire His shit Try to frag him I never tried to light him on fire I was out there laughing

That got me wrong Yeah Don Barris And a bunch of other guys Who try to light him on fucking fire And stuff Is that frustrating though Like your career

Isn't based on Like how good you are It's if you pick the number Like for the first thing That must be really frustrating You do what you can In the beginning Until you start to figure it out

There was an open mic in San Francisco at the punchline on Sunday nights, and people would go up there, and they would put you on a list, but there was no names, there was no numbers. The guy would come up to you five minutes before and go, you're next, and he would walk past you and glare at you. I did it one time. I told me, got to go fuck himself. And I saw him at a fucking laugh factory.

And I go, remember me, bitch? And he was like, fuck you. Don't fuck you, motherfucker that night you tried to fuck with us. It's hilarious. Fuck you, motherfucker, doing that to a comedian. You know, people don't do that. That's the respect fact I didn't like about the beginning of comedy. And here you get it even worse until you book something.

See, that's what I always tell young comics when they come out of. I try to book something. I don't care if you got to suck ten dicks. Just get it out of the way now. Get it. Book something. Book something. So I don't that people see you, the booking agents,

and they give you a little work at the improv is, even them saying. You know, I give you a little love. But it's all based on that. They don't give a frick. How funny you are? Oh, this guy's going to be fun. You know what? If this guy booked the fucking part on

What's the show of Vergaar? American Family, even if it's a plumber And people say you booked a roll on there, guess what? He might book a role on a pilot that's fucking Seinfeld And here we're going to turn them down. No, that's not going to happen. It's like when you go to jail and you write letters of recommendation. If you get a judge that has political aspirations,

that guy, every letter there is 250 people Because when you die, they make 250 masks cards. knows at least 250 people, dentists, lawyers, communists. So every time you send a, if I send a letter in in Lee's behalf, because you're a swindler, you're really Bernie Madoff. I gave him

$100 last week. He lost it all in Vegas. I invested in this motherfucker. He was a stock fraud. He told me was a broker player. Let me state this guy for 20 points. I'm saying? Nothing. He came back with rabid he is. Walked away. There is.

Don't walk away. How long were you in New York for running and gunning before somebody took notice of him? I was there until, like I said, like, 99. I was just like... So the first thing was Keene and Ivy Wayans? First, the first. Like, I'd done some, like, they had an uptown comics of TV show, and I did, like, stand. That was on the 25th Street.

Yeah. I remember that. I almost walked over there. I was like, I don't think so. That place used to scare me, too. Like, I used to go there. I used to stop right there on our Broadway. There was a health food store, Mr. Wendell.

Oh, I think I remember that. That was in that jam. I missed the old dude. He would always give me chocolate tie weed and I always try to shoplift one from his hand like a magician. I thought that, that, that, da, da, you got to bring that paper back, son.

There's only a 20 in here. It's hilarious. All right, so you did uptown comedy club. You come out here. Then you did like bad boys of comedy. Yeah, the bad was, and I did Def Jam back in New York, too. How was Def Jam? It was great to do, but by the time I did it,

it didn't have the effect that it used to. to have. So, did a good set, but nothing. Who was the host? Then Martin wasn't hosting the first time I did it. So you just missed that window. Yeah. Who was the host then? Who was the window? Oh,

who hosted that episode? I think, oh, what's his name? Joe Torrey, I think it was the host of that show. Joe Torrey was the warm-up. At first, but then he ended up being a host. When I first started comedy, that was one of the first tapes I got. No worry.

The best of death jam with the kid from Jersey, Bill Bellamy. Bill Bellamy, yeah. And one of the guys is Joe Torrey. Until this day, I just saw Joe Torrey. I always tell him that joke about my brothers the Save the Whale type motherfucker. Me, I bought a gun for protection shit. I go to the ATM and I dressed up in a tuxedo with a gun.

You know, shit like that. I laughed my ass off when I heard that at first. That was one of the first things I bought. I really liked BET. I really liked. That wasn't on BET. It was on HBO. I saw a lot of fucking people on that blow up a room.

But I'm going to tell you who was the most memorable person I ever seen blow up a room on there. D.L. Hughley. Oh, okay. As an MC. Right. Which is tough. He just took that fucking room and fucked them up. Fucked them fucking people up to pieces.

I had never seen that many people. The best place I ever saw him was on 178th Street. I was telling Lydia, then I went to see Rambo. that movie theater was packed with black people. Rambore 2, 1985. He got the Russian, and he opens his eyes in the mud. All black people were fucking jumping up

and down that movie theater. They were yell. That white boy's a bad motherfucker. I told you. I told you. That white motherfucker was bad. Oh, it was hysterical. That's hilarious.

I saw him. That's why I saw D.L.U. We blow up. He fucking took it apart, man. Yeah, that's your mad stars. Mad Star. Man, stars. You got on.

Even if you didn't become a star, you'd be on that tour. You'd be making money. So, you know, I was, like, seeing people get their shit off on it. And it's just dying to get up. But I wasn't even ready than it. Then yet either, you know. I was still, like, working on my shit, trying to figure out. And then finally had a set together, and I got on, you know.

But it was just missed that window, you know. And I did it twice. No. Yeah, I did it twice. I did it again where it was like an all-star show And that was like Now one of them had dreads on it Yeah, both of them I had dreads on it

Both of them, okay One was just longer dreads and shit And then I did good on that one too But nothing The show just didn't have the power it used to have Were you disappointed? It's not disappointed Like if I knew what I knew now

Then I could have did something with it But you just didn't know You just like you did the set It's gonna air and I'm going to get these phone calls. Nothing. And there was no social media. There's no social media either.

There was no social media. It's like you could do. Yeah, that's crazy. There was no media. Didn't you have a similar experience with Long East Jar? Yeah, that's why it's kind of weird when you do something.

You're expecting so much in return. Yeah. And nothing happens. And I tell people, that was my breaking point, like eight months after that. Once that movie came out on DVD and I was still getting problems with auditions, I didn't know how to handle it.

Right. I didn't know. And then I see Tracy Morgan on TV after it and fucking the black dude with muscles. That motherfucker scored that movie from that. That's his whole career. Terry Cruz, yeah, yeah. And here I am living on fucking Shreda in Hollywood.

Back by, what's the Selma? You know, when you're living by Selma, you get fucked up. Yeah. Shit's not right. That's a shady block. That's a shady fucking block. Not anymore. Stay cleaned it up.

Not anymore. Now they cleaned it up. So now that, What CD did you do that Conan produced it? Last year, I did my first comedy album, and me and my manager. I got a good manager now. His name is Hunter Seedman.

Like I said, if I had managers where, hey, man, these people like me, they want to do something. They say, all, cool, cool. And then they'll never investigate it. Like, people who didn't care. Or if you did something and you could make something out of it, they just didn't care or follow. any leads. I don't know what the fuck they were doing.

Unless they get to leads, sometimes they don't want to fuck with it. It's really weird. It's stupid. If they don't know from A to Z, they're like, ah, we call, but the guy sounded fishy. Then you bump into the dude a year later, and you're like, oh, you're manager never calling me. We didn't think you want to do the project. And you're like,

what the fuck are you talking about? Right. Like, when I did basketball one day, the third day I was on the set, they're like, hey man, we called the comedy store, looking for you for Mafia. Remember they did the movie with Jay Moore, The Italian people, like 98. Hours past.

Hours past. The guy goes, yeah, we called the store twice. We talked to the guy, the Italian coordinator. By that time, he was fired. Oh, shit. By that time he was a goofy fuck. He was only there for like two months. He was drinking and shit.

That pisses you to fuck off. Yeah, these are like opportunities and shit that, you know, could move you further up the ladder. And you're like, but, you know, fuck it. But what was the question you asked anyway? No, so you're on Conan. So Conan, so Conan came at me. And I guess the reason, because Conan liked me from before,

and I'd done the show three times, and then the third time I did it, they was like, hey, we're planning on, like, starting a record label, and we're thinking about one thing if you will ever record in an album if you want to do one, and we could talk about doing one with you. And I was like, all right, I'm trying to do one, but this is probably the best place to do it. And I'm excited, and I like the fact that you like me like that, that you want to fuck with me like that.

So yeah, I'll fuck with you. Let's do it. And so we taped it in La Jolla at the Comedy Store and then released it last May. It's called 100% Halfass and it's at Team Coco Records. It's dot com. It's like, fuck it. And then now I got to

do a special, you know. I got like another hour ready and with all the stuff. There's some of the stuff you mentioned and I just got to get that shit together and do it because you got to put your content out there and you got to, I got to get my social. You got to, you got to, your social media stuff together.

Like I'm terrible with that. I got to get better at that. Like this industry is not going to help me. So I got to do as much as I can to help me. You have an agent? I got a manager, no agent. Writing agent, no literary agent? No, my stuff is like referrals.

Good for you. And from like writing on shows and other writers or these young comics getting deals and they're like, they see me at the store. And you're a good writing. You're written on shows. You want to work with me? Like, that's how Girard, you know, hit me up.

He's like, you know, he's, here's a funny story about Gerard. Like, remember when Facebook, MySpace was out? Some people used to hit me up randomly on MySpace. Like, you know, because some people see me on death jamming them shows. And they hit you up. Say, hey, man, I'm thinking about doing comedy. You know, what should I do? And should I move out to L.A. and blah, blah, blah.

And I say, yeah, if you want to do it, come on move out here. And when you get here, just hustle and grind and take this thing serious and blah, blah, blah, blah. and Gerard was one of those people that hit me and I had no idea he just told me and we hung out since he got here for a few years and he just told me

maybe this year hey man I was that dude that hit you up on MySpace and you told me to come out here isn't that fucking crazy if you think about it then he did get something from doing the deaf damn cell yeah yeah yeah it's just like way later that's so cool yeah that's true

always told you that these little guys are my future. Yeah. These young cats, one of them is going to pop a show and go, I want you to be my uncle. Yeah, your uncle. The show's going to be a number one hit. I was jerking myself to fuck

off for years doing this and that. And that's how this game works. People truly, I learned one thing as a comic that when you wanted something really bad instead of, like as a comic, you wanted to go to Montreal. And then you don't go. Sometimes you

do go, and you're like, all that shit for Nothing. I put all that shit in for nothing. For years, I wanted to be played Catch Horizon Star. Yeah, yeah. For years, I wanted to play the one in Reno and Vegas. And I fucking tormented that guy and he kept telling me, no, no, no. I saw your tape, you're dirty, blah, blah. And then one day you got to call from Jimmy Schubert. Hey, dog, I need a feature for Reno. What the fuck? For years, I've been trying to torture this fucking guy. And now you're going to walk me in there. No tape, no nothing. You know what I'm saying? Like everybody has a feature act. They were, you want to see your tape. You never know that's the best thing about this game. Right.

That you never know what the fuck is going to happen. I call it entertainment lotto, but the only way you can win if you keep playing. Every day, as long as you put your art into this thing, like today I tell people, on the first of the month, we're all equal. Right. You ain't better than me. I ain't better

than you because we're all working for the same dollar. So guess what? On the first, we're all the same. It's what you do on the second that fucking matters, you know? So, what do you think, cock sucker? How high are you? Look at the shape. Pretty high. Yeah, look at his face.

Look at his face. He got sun yesterday. Yeah. How the fuck. Next time you go to the beach with an umbrella. No, he don't. Oh, my God. You go on the fucking boat next time I get a little umbrella for you.

That'd be nice. This is really interesting, man. I always wanted to have you on. I didn't know this much about you. It's my pleasure, man. You're a gentleman, you know. But what you do on stage, man, is fucking. comedy jazz

there's a timing and a smooten it to it and that's it man I think you're one of the best working man I've been really fortunate I went back to the store and you guys elevated me like you made me savages again

because I got to follow you guys in the last couple weeks I feel in my heart I've had some of the best comics from you and Sebastian and you know and I didn't see you back then Joe's known you and Joe raves about you

and I started watching you at the store and going, Jesus fucking Christ, now I know this guy's game is fucking tight. The writing is a 10. Sometimes I sit there and I go, gee, what am I watching? And I tell him all the time. I always

aspired to that, but I was too lazy, outright, but I get too lazy, and that's just a special gift in comedy. You know, I have high energy. I trick you with the high energy and the voice and that shit and you fall for it. You know, everybody has smoking fucking mirrors. You have no

smoking mirrors. So, you know me, dog, I'm on the fucking I'm on the Ian Edwards fucking shit, you're a bad motherfucker The story we're kicking his glory. You know what I'm saying? No more rock. Stop! A little public enemy Lee Syatt. What's up with you?

It's crazy because one of the best parts about my job is I get to go and watch a lot of comedy and what I've noticed is the best comics are the ones you like remember, they're bits. If you say their name, you can think of stuff they've said. and when Paula asked me who was on tonight,

I thought of like three or four of his bits, and I think that's a quality that's like, you have it too. Like, people remember certain bits that you say. Because otherwise it's just... Otherwise, it's just like, oh, he's a dirty comic, or, oh, he's a clean comic, it's boring. It's a very interesting life where you put together for ourselves. Every morning I have a little thing,

and I write my thoughts after my coffee and shit, and there's one thought that always sticks out that I'm happy this thing worked out. I'm happy that my life worked out. It worked out. Whatever. It worked out. You have no idea where I was 20 years ago, 30 years ago.

It worked out. Whatever's going on. You know, the walls on the office aren't painted. You know, my car is dirty. It smells like sweat. But everything else worked out, bro. And that's big, especially when you're going. come from another country.

You took me back tonight with some words that you said because I remember not the pain. It's not a pain that you think about later on in your life. It was this I never thought I was going to get beat up because I was Spanish. I never thought none of that shit. But I always

thought I was a little not worthy. Like I look at kids and I'll never have that and then I don't know I don't know what the fuck. I know that feeling. You know that feeling and I know what you were where you try to fit in Jesus fucking Christ, how hard is that you know, to fit in? And I knew

who I was in New York. You know, when I got the Jersey, they just put fucking gasoline on me, you know, that was it. Where were you doing comedy in Jersey in those days? Where did you go to that contest, you said? Oh, that contest, I forgot where that contest

was, but I know they had peppermint lounge and that was like a crazy place to perform. There was this other spot named Terminal D. where if you got booked at Terminal D, the two weeks before that show were ruined because of the fear of having to do that show. It was a long dark room and you couldn't see the audience. And when you went on that stage, there was like two rows from the front. There was a cowbell with a long piece of rope.

It was in the ceiling, but the rope was hanging out. It was usually like some asshole state troopers sitting at the cowbell. cowbell table. So if you're performing, they could just ring that bell. And everybody started booing. They're like, we're done with this, nigga. Get him out. So you have to go there knowing

you could get cowbelled. I had a friend. His name was Pat. He's like, Pat was like six feet, 400 pounds. He used to lie to me that it was 200 pounds, but I didn't know weight back then. And he,

we had a We performed up there one night. He went on, and his closer is, he went to his closer in his second joke. That's how bad he was doing. You know, you do your first joke, no response. So, you know, if I do the second joke, that's not as strong as my closer, which is my best joke. I'm going to get booed. They're going to ring that cloud bell.

So he was so desperate to win them, he went to his last joke, his closer. and his closer was, imagine a 400-pound guy laying across a stool with his arm spread, and his joke was, this is me at the Macy's Day Parade, which is funny, which is funny, but Day was not having it. No, no, no, no, no, no. So a 400-pound dude is laying across a stool with his arm spread, and you hear the bell going to, ding, ding, ding, ding. It's like The embarrassment Like you're selling out for the joke

You're all out You're spread out And they're like Nah, nigger We hate that We hate that We ain't having that It's like going

Your favorite team's game A championship game You got their jersey on They get feet You gotta walk down back to that car With that jersey on That's a long fucking walk dog That's why I don't commit

To fucking jerseys Jack That's too much commitment In my fucking world Fuck you There was this dude. Who's the really popular black writer in town? Warren Hutchinson? No.

John Ridley? No. He writes on a lot of older shows. God, the Fagwa. There's a... Facqua or... Antoine Fawcua? No, Ra Fafqua.

Yeah, yeah. He had one of his dudes, had an idea about an Italian cop that was a Kung Fu teacher. It was the worst. idea I ever heard he was adamant about it. This brother was a good dude but he'd buy me lines and tell me how this was me that he could get the meeting set up

but I had to go for a tailor and what he told him? He said I want to walk into the meeting with an authentic Chinese kung fu uniform and I said dog that's where it stopped. I mean the show was so fucking bad but he had great representation.

So he got me meetings everywhere his fucking assistant sent me a list one day and I had like three pitches a day for two fucking weeks. I ain't dead. We went every day after the second day I told him, come here, listen, I ain't coming no more. This is dead. This is dead.

We already burnt six people. I mean, to the point where they didn't even let us finish. Damn. They're like, you know what? We have a 4.15. Oh my God. We'll talk. We'll call your agent. Nice to meet you. It was horrible. All of a sudden the meeting popped up in the middle

the meeting. It's amazing. The worst people have the top representation. This guy was like, they love it. He took me there one day. I think it was like on Woosha, a lot of fucking Yamakas. We went in there dog. He gave it to him. We love it. You was a kung fu teacher.

You work with the mayor and you're vigilante and you saved kids. It was fucking horrible. And they weren't going to let me do it anyway. There's no way. No fucking way. And he kept saying, you got a way they're coming for a uniform, that'll pull them all

when I'm like, dog, I ain't wearing no motherfucking uniform on the fucking Paramount lot. I would never sell out. I'd rather be at the store pushing $15 sets. Right, right. Man, thank you again, my brother. Let me do some sponsors, and we'll get you the fuck out of here. Number one,

as always, the best on it. Went to Jiu-Jitsu today. Took two fucking on-it-pills from Jiu-Jitsu. I went to the fucking North Hollywood part, and I did some fucking kettlebells. With 10 more pounds. You understand me? I was out there huffing and puffing and when I got

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My main man, Lisa. Where are you going to be? Are you on the road yet? You got a guy booking you on the road? Yeah, I got some spot days. I'm going to be at Bonaroo. And I'm going to be at the Montreal Comedy Festival.

Just came from Hawaii. What are you doing in Hawaii? I did this dude name Shane Price, the comic out there. I did like 11, this club called 1144. So I headlined out there. It wasn't a comedy club, but it was a nice spot, and he put some shows together.

And he's got Greg, not Greg, he's got a, damn it, Todd Barry coming out there and some other people. I'll put you in contact. Nice, nice. He listens to the whole Death Squad crew and all that stuff. Yeah, great to be going to Hawaii. I take Lee and throw him off the fucking plane. You won't take me.

I'm telling you, I'm taking it. I'm going to drop you off on an island with bigger wines, with little dicks with diet pills, you know what I'm saying? I'll chase you around for three fucking days. All right, man, let's end this motherfucker. We'll be back Wednesday night at 8 p.m. I love you guys. Thank you for listening. Thank you for you in that words.

I love you guys. Stay black. I'm going to be in Denver this weekend Thursday through Saturday. And then the 18th and the 19th, I'm going to be a Salt Lake City at motherfucking. wise guys. Did I give shout outs tonight? No he didn't. No, I did not. What the fuck was I thinking? He's living, God. Judita and your dad, I love you.

Chris Trenton, the boys over there fucking making the cars. Lorne Rosica, stand, hang in there. Tom Hortov. Lonsa good dude. Yeah, he is. Frank Mardini, Kaye, Joe, Ellie O'Neill, Freddie Correier, Pat Shea,

and my main man, Chris Short. Happy birthday, Cubsucker. And that's it. We'll be back Wednesday, for you guys. Thank everybody. Thank Israel. In the morning, join on Periscope. In the morning, join on Periscope. Four days a week, smoking, reefer. Dropping you out of the house with inspirational

thoughts. You know how I do. I love you, Cogsuck. Stay black. This show is brought to you by Onet.com. Go to Onet.com. And he's co-wirt. Church. I'm fucking stone. I don't know nothing about Anand. I'm fucking stone, Jack. You too, buddy. I have not been this high in a long

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