The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #289 - Steve Simeone

Episode Date: June 9, 2015

Steve Simeone, Comedian and host of the, "Good Times With: Steve Simeone" podcast. joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.   Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz.   Music:    No More Tears - Ozzy Osbourne I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet The Message - Grand Master Flash     Recorded on 06/08/2015

You ever got a mushroom? They used to mix. Excessy with, like, Coke in Hollywood. Yeah. And shoot in your asshole at these fan clubs. Jesus Christ. With a baste because if you hit you're harder. You ever have that?

No, I wouldn't, you know. I thought about putting a Coke rock up my ass. I said, you'd get fucked up. What is that tonic you're drinking? It's iced tea. Ice tea. You made it home? He had the ghetto shit you mix up.

Where's the wife? She left her back at the house. All right. I don't know if we broke up. Jesus Christ. through this show. The show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Anand.com and use Code Word Church

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Oh shit. It's the Monday night motherfucking edition. Monday. June 8th, you bad motherfuckers. We're back with a vengeance tonight. Steve Simone, the Flying Jew. It's a little Monday night, North Hollywood. Cocksuckers.

What's up, you bad motherfuckers? Joey D is here, your host, co-host, with my main man, The Flying Jew. And in-house tonight is my brother from a different mother, Philadelphia's own, Steve Simone and shit. Fucking hooking us up on Easter, making fucking meatballs and stuff.

Oh, my God. Beautiful, thank you. I tried my best. That was good to have family there. Yeah, you always make it seem like a family. Very nice. You're one of the few people that really goes out of the way. Fucking tremendous desserts. Oh my God. You had Big Ziti, which I think you made for me because I did. I did a lasagna. And then I was like, oh, what's on talking about Big Zidi.

Fucking Big Ziti. I love Bajie. We should do that to Sunday. What's that? Big Ziti. Yeah. Big Ziti day. Because I'm finally in town for a little bit. We'll do it up. Let's do it. Sunday. Sunday. I'm in town too. Let's do it up. What do you think, Cuck. How was your weekend, Louis? I had a good weekend. What'd you do? Just kind of hung out. Paul had her first week at work, and she's a little under the weather.

So we just hung out. We worked out. Just had some good food. Started watching the Sopranos, and we started watching the wire. So we had a good fucking weekend. Double festival. He didn't get no sun. That little suntane you got last week. Fucking lasted three days. Oh, it goes away immediately.

And canoe, you know what I'm that? You should go to Santa Barbara and jumped into that fucking oily water. I like kayaking, but that scares, Paula. So what the fuck? Just put it in a kayak with a helmet. Like nobody else does? They put a helmet on those people. She's not worried about her head.

She's worrying about drowning. Fuck it. What did you guys do last week? Didn't you go in the ocean? Yeah, we did those water bikes. In the water? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, but it's impossible to fall. If you fall off, you deserve to fall off. If you fucking fall off, you deserve to die anyway. Hopefully a shark will fucking bite you riding a bicycle in the water. What's wrong with you cock's a sucker? It was fun, though. I know, it's fun. How was your weekend?

Very good. Denver was, it was weird because he hit me hard. Thursday what had happened. It's like listen, there's an expression that at the wake at Meadows

Wake the mother somebody said Livia soprano she fell in the sewer she'd come out with two fucking gold watches you know she's one of those people

I gotta tell you something I went through some bad times in my life but I always came out on top I don't know how I did it Oh it's not an insult It's not like an insult

No no no when I went to prison I could have been so worse. Sure. And it came on. It was everything. It was everything in my favor. You know, I didn't get exactly what I wanted, but at least I got out of there. It could have been worse.

Could have been nine fucking years. Absolutely, yeah. This situation, listen, when I left Boulder in June, what happened was in, in, in 95, I was going through this war with my ex-wife. And I went to Michigan to do a weekend Memorial Day, and I met this crazy stripper, the one that I pulled the aluminum fall out of her asshole. And she came to Colorado, and she goes, I'm moving to. Seattle. She spent a week with me in Boulder with her brother. And then she went to Seattle. And she's like, I'm going to get an apartment for us. Come on up and stay with me. So I had that option. The Comedy Works had banned me. And I had nothing going on with the wife or whatever.

I was basically broke. I mean, I basically had maybe $300 and triple called me and gave me a bunch of work that led me to Seattle. It was like a godsend. Like the last night was in like Lorange or Oregon, which is like eight hours from Seattle. I did the gig and just flew to fucking Seattle. And it was weird. I left and I was a broken man. I was heartbroken of what had happened. They took my daughter, you know.

I was broke. All I had gone from me was I really, really wanted to do comedy. You know, something I, finally, after all these years beside Coke, there was something I really, really wanted to do and I would risk my life for it at this point. And I was frustrated because you want to get good. You want things to happen and nothing happens. It's a slow process. And I was at the three-year mark, a four-year mark.

That's where you go crazy. And nothing was happening. And finally the phone rang in January, and it was Tribble. And he goes, hey, of the 95, he goes, hey, I got a gig for you. If you do well, I'll open the books for you. And he did. Then he kept opening up for me like three, four weeks. I got, you know, that's how I did Tribal runs all the way to I moved to Seattle.

Even then, I did triple runs still. 2000 was my last triple run. Wow. Because sometimes you just want to get really good. You want to work on a half hour. Get out of town. The only way to do is a triple run. It's five nights a week.

You drive. You've got a lot of time. to think. You're not settled. There's no comfort zone. You're fucking gone, you know. The room sucks, but that's what makes you a better comic, you know. So when I left there had all these things going on, nothing was going on, and I was a broken man. I get back to the club. I headlined it that I got banned from. So I left a criminal and came back a headliner. Wow. You know, and I didn't realize it until I got on stage that night and I went back to my room.

And it was so hard to digest that I didn't sleep all fucking night. No. Like, I'm like, how did this happen? It was all the dream. No, it was that, what's that song by the Talking Heads? You may find yourself. You know, and living in a shotgun shack. Or you might find, how did I get here?

And that happens to me once every 90 days. I'm driving. I'm surprised because I asked you before you left you, and you didn't seem like it was fucking with you that much, but how could I know? And I started walking around. And once I got to the club, I said, wait a second. I got thrown out of here. And I got thrown out of here when I was down, which is even worse.

When you get thrown out when things are, like, I got thrown out, and I immediately registered that I wasn't going to get nowhere in Denver. I was going to work McKelves and Wittsend, and there were like two D rooms, and they didn't like it dirty, the one room was Christian. I wasn't going to go nowhere. I mean, Wittsend paid $800 a week to headline, and they gave you an old station wagon to drive around town, so if you didn't have a car, you know, and they stayed in the condo. It was horrible. When McKelby's paid like a grand to headline Tuesday the fucking son. I wasn't going nowhere. Yeah.

So I took off. I said, if you're not at the Comedy Works, there ain't no reason to be in Denver. If you can't work, the Comedy Works. Yeah. And it was just weird to go back. And some of my friends came. Then the other side of the token was the guys I hung out with were always chasing shit. The people hang out with were salesmen.

So they were always chasing for the better sales job, you know? They would go from car dealing. And then when they get mad at car dealing, they'd go sell stocks. investments and then when they get mad at that they go to sell fishing poles and they were always chasing $10,000 more yeah but is the era yeah oh it's fucking warm in here but you're gonna turn it up yeah turn it up a little bit turn that motherfucker up those mushrooms are settling in me too and that's what would kill me on the other side that if I wouldn't have tried comedy and sat in bolder I would have been one of those guys I have nothing against them right but right now they're my age and they're probably

making $80,000 and they're working six days a week. If they were to stay at the same dealership and crunched their legs in right now, they would have making $100,000 a year just showing up because all those old deals come back to you after five, four years. Absolutely. There's a great life lesson. No, they all traveled. Remember, life is all, what's that expression? Grass is always green on the other side, but it really fucking isn't.

You know, sometimes I tell people this all the time. Sometimes people come to me and you know what, man, I'm selling. encyclopedias, but I'm not making the money I want. Okay? So what are you going to do, Lee? Well, I think I'm going to get a part-time job to supplement my income. So you're going to sell encyclopedias from 8 to 5 on the phone, and then

you're going to go supplement your another income job. Why don't we do this? Why don't you go to a fucking bookstore and buy the Harvey Lembeck or whatever the fucking guy's name is the teaches you how to sell? There's always a book in there. Always. That teaches people how to sell.

And you get on that fucking phone or whatever the fuck you're selling and you stick it out and you keep because what these guys are doing we're moving around every 90 days. Persistences. And this is fucking, you know, I've been doing comedy 24 fucking years. So these guys have been moved. Like when my friend came to somebody, I go, you still at whatever Honda? He goes, no, that was five years ago.

I went to investments and I went to sell wine door to door. And I'm like, you know, I didn't say nothing to him. But that night when I got home, I did the sign of the cross. And I said, how fucking lucky am I? That at fucking 50. I'm still not moving from dealership to dealership. Oh, my God. So blessed.

What happens, because I've heard both of you guys talk, like what happens for comedians and actors who have to move, change, like, management and agency? Because you have to change, like, you outgrow it at a certain point, but then, like, do you ever worry, like, oh, maybe I'm making the mistake? I knew this guy. Like, it must be kind of weird.

Like, kind of the same choice. There's a bunch of variations, but what happens is, you know, sometimes an agent retires. Okay, sometimes you'll get a call and say, this guy's like, I'm leaving the business. But sometimes you get an agent that call. And the invasion says, I'm going to a different agency. And they bring a few people with them.

And, you know, so now you have to, whatever you tell no to is going to be mad at you. You don't win, you know, you don't win. Right, yeah. You have to tell somebody, some people don't give a fuck about it. I do, because I get involved with them because I feel that when I get involved with an agent, you work for me a little bit more person. Yeah.

So I get involved with them. It happens with, like, every time I left a job, I'd be like, fuck. Like, even before college, like when I was working at CVS, every time I left I went to go to the movie theater and I hated the movie theater in the first couple days so you worry about

you made the wrong choice so I can see where your friends are coming from You never Listen once you go You fucking go Once you go You don't look back

There's no wrong choice If you do What's an educated guess A hypothesis? Whatever You know Offset on I thought it out

When I got to call that Thursday. I thought it out. I sat down all weekend. I was somewhere and I did the fucking Abe Lincoln clothes and the pros and the cons and I thought it out and I knew the major decision when some of these feelings were going to get hurt. If I stayed at one place, I was going to

hurt the one guy and if I stayed at the other place, I was going to hurt the one guy. So, you know, sometimes you got to remember it's your agent who got you there. Ari made a good point because I called Aron and he goes, when I was in origin when what's his name left, they called me and said, so now we're ready to go to work. Lawrence, who

And he's like, well, I'm not staying. I've had Lawrence since day one. He's the one that got me all this work. I can't just fucking can't them and stay. That's why I don't like agencies where you sign across the board with somebody. Because now you're fucked for everything else. Yeah. So you want to go with ACA for commercials.

You want to go with CA for bookings. You want to go with, you know, fountain blue fucking agency. So that doesn't happen. That's why people say when you go across the board, it's a bad thing. Makes sense. I never thought about it like that, but it's true. You limit yourself. But it's just weird how this thing happened this weekend.

That it was full fucking circle. And you sit there and, you know, that night I thought about that I ever think of this happening. Not in a million years. I always thought maybe I'd get better at doing comedy. But I didn't think the comedy works would take me back. So I'm proud that they did. I'm really happy. They had some great shows.

Great people came. You know how that club is, bro. That club's a fucking monster. That club. and if somebody's high energy and loud, that club is built for them. Yes. Because it's low ceilings and shit.

Yes. You know, I had great sets. I had to work with Steve McGrew, who was a fucking killer to follow, but he lifted the room. He just took him out of the fucking dregs. He's such a brilliant comic, you know? Yeah.

I worked with a couple guys. I worked with Rick in 20 years. I know that name. I don't know if I ever worked with him, but I know that name. Rick is the, Rick was a guy that I looked up to more than Todd George. Todd Jordan was helping me, but Rick didn't give a fuck.

Rick threw bottles of people's faces. Rick threw drinks at people's face. You know, first time I got a call from Rick, we're working for Bill Bauer. Not while Bill Bauer was dead. Bill Bauer was a skier that booked rooms in Colorado. Great sweetheart of a guy. Who wasn't for him, I couldn't pay my rent a couple. Because I would call him and go, I can't pay Rick.

And you front me the money and then he'd just give me gigs. And he'd do it all the time. That's how cool he was. Wow. So Rick called me one day. He goes, hey, I need for you to pick me up. And if he did this open for me, I'll give you 200, but part of that 50 is for driving. You got to drive.

So I'm never forget. He got to my house. He's like, you take the keys, stop at a liquor store. You know, first thing is first. Empty out of fucking Gatorade. Put Vock in it, and we drank that all the way up to Rivets in Wyoming. And I was like, Lee, there was no saying no to Rick Carnes. You don't tell Lee like, no, I don't feel like drinking.

Fuck, I used to drink with him. Because I knew he wouldn't stop. And we'd do these gigs and we'd write together. and he just, he was the opposite of Todd Jordan was very professional, very on time, war nights, Rick Cairns was me. He was dirty. He yelled at club owners.

Then he went to, when I moved to Seattle, he goes, I'll help you anywhere you could, because he took fourth in the SF San Francisco comedy competition in like 85. So I was up there in 80s, no, and the fuck am I told me. He won it like in 95. I was in Seattle in 96, So he told me that he gave me all the references to call Fox and everything.

But he got arrested in Chattanooga for going to bite crack. And they threw him in the cell and they sprayed him. He cursed the cops and he fought him. So they sprayed him with mace and they put him in the hole. And every time the sunshine on him, it would kick up the mace. And he would be in there crying and scratching. And I sent the money in jail. And he came out and he got a great radio gig.

And then he was writing for the puppet from Vegas to win that one that won, America's... Oh, uh... He was the... The Ahmed guy, right? Yeah, artistic director. Jeff... Not for Jeff Donham, the other guy.

No, no, no, the other guy. Some guy with a puppet, like a hand puppet. Yeah, that guy killed it. Yes, the guy killed it. You know, he's just a great guy. Now he's writing for Ron White, and he writes for... Yeah, he's a great... That's great.

He charges three bills an hour. I think it's 300 a joke and like $5,000 a bit or something. Wow. is crazily. What is that, like, is that a lot for... I never knew what people charged. I don't even know what people charged.

Like, have you ever tried to think about what you would charge for? Like, not that you would ever write, but like, since a lot of your day is spent writing and, like, not making, like, a salary, like, have you thought about how much writing makes you? No. No, that's a lot of money. That's a complete different animal we get involved in. Yeah. That's a complete different animal. Because if you're writing, now you're going to get the writing agent.

And you always got to write for free for a while. You got to write for free. I just meant like you're writing, like, how much you think it's worth? Garbage. Really? Garbage. Nobody says Joey's a good fucking writer, right? So move on with the fucking question.

Oh, I completely disagree with that. I'm not a good writer. I have more energy. No, I don't. I have more energy. That's what sells the joke. I do smoke and mirrors, my friend. No, it's all tied together.

No. You're such a good writer and your voice is so unique. That's why you don't think it's good because nobody else in the world could do it. That's how you know your writing's brilliant. Because you tap into what comedy is, it's giving the audience A plus B and then they make the connection C. It's giving them the dots and then they have to connect the dots. You're a master of that. And you put that, like every great performer, you put that feeling in somebody's chest.

The whole reason to use words is to create that feeling. It's not what you say. It's what you make them feel. And that's what you kill it. I didn't know. Of course. I watch you and I'm like, oh, genius. I didn't fucking know that.

Yeah, you're the best. That's why you're the guy. Everybody watches. This is this fucking guy. I'm sorry, I'm not trying. I should have just be quiet. I'm going to embarrass me over here in front of my friend. Like shit.

You call me a deadbeat. Sometimes I'm on your show and I just can't believe him here. It's the best. What the fuck? How you doing, man? What's going on in your world? You talk to Gabriel, the boys. They showed up in Vegas.

I just texted him today about a pro wrestling article I read. Been around the world since Easter. From Easter that Monday, I flew to China. Then I was in town for a couple days. Went up to Yuck Yuck Yucks in Calgary. The best. They love you up there. Canadians are my favorite.

Canadians are crazy. The nicest. When it comes to comedy, it's in their fucking blood. It's in their blood. Absolutely. That's the thing with Khan. Like,

they love it. They love it, and they love it when it's crazy, and they love it when it's loud, and they just love it. Canadians have it. Yeah, it's amazing. It's different patois

than the Americans have. I love them. And then from there, I did a U.S. O.S. tour with Byrne, we went to Iraq and Kuwait. And then I just did a bunch of one-nighters with Pauly through Texas and Wisconsin.

So now I'm in town and I'm on the church of what's happening now. Now, how long are you, how long are you in home for? This is the longest stretch I've had since the CD came out. So since November, I'm in town for like a, the next gig I know for sure I've booked is the week after Fourth of July, La Jolla County. At least, I'm in San Diego again. Once you buy a house in San Diego, one day I will.

Jesus Christ, what are you giggling about, fuck-all? Because I just knew, like, every, he'll ask me, like, once a week, Steve Simone and like the last couple weeks I had to say San Diego like you were just there like a couple like a few months ago and like two weeks ago one nighter down there so he always just said Mr. San Diego Mr. San Diego that's his fucking name he loves

it nobody goes more than San Diego than Steve fucking Desimony it's one of the only good open one-nighters you can get from L.A., right? There's always somebody's got a room down there that they'll throw some cash at you. They got a ton of rooms down there and they got the Harris Monique's book and Harrah's

they got a ton of shit in San Diego And years ago, they had nothing, La Jollaire and something else. Oh, yeah, moon do moondogies. Moon doggies. They still do moon doggies. Get out of it. Tuesday night. Somebody's got to be booking it.

Somebody, and they had three rooms down there. They had the one room, I forget the name on Monday, so that that didn't last long, but it was great. Then they had Tuesday night, moon doggies. Then Wednesday was the shit hole next door. Yes. And then you went to that Rosita's, the Mexican place, around the corner. Oh.

That's my world. Yeah, I like it down there. The carnitas from there? The best carnitas I've ever had in my fucking life. Oh, the Mexican food in El Paso was so good. Oh, yeah. It's a whole different thing. The Patrick Candelaria show up?

Patrick Candelaria, a big, big guy. Who was the MC? It was just you and Paulie? Yeah, two-man show. Okay. They got a couple good comics in El Paso. El Paso was a town that I cut my comedy teeth in, and I fucking cut my comedy teeth in.

Like, I don't work for Bart anymore, but I think the last time I worked for Bart was when Freddie died around 2006, 2007. Freddy was 2005. And it's amazing. It's going to be 10 years this month, right? Yeah, 10 years in June. Like a week. Yeah, this is it.

This is it right now. That's fucking, that's the quickest 10 years out because the longest yard came out, Freddie dropped. Freddie dropped that June because I remember I was going somewhere and I couldn't go to the wake of nothing. We had just done the Houston Comedy Festival. It's amazing. It's been fucking ten years. My God. Longest Yard was ten years ago, too?

2005. I remember visiting you down on the set. Goldberg was in the trailer next door. Stone Cold Steve Austin's walking by. It was the craziest. Kevin Nash. You came down a couple times. Yes.

Yeah. I know Ari came down a couple times. You know what? That was incredible. For me, it was a great experience to turn you guys on to it. Like, I was watching this every day. And my head would, listen, the first time I was walking for the table read. My head

just, I just kept sitting there going I wish there was periscope because nobody's ever going to believe me. I wish I had periscope right now because nobody's ever going to believe what I'm looking at. Nobody. I mean, nobody. Come on where I came from

nobody would believe when I walked into that room how my value in life was garbage and I felt even more garbagey because Because this one, he walked, first of all, the guy, when the limo pulled up, Adam Sandler greeted me, said, let me take that and took my luggage. You had flip-flops on a pair of shorts.

Wow. And I never forget, looking at this guy going, so this isn't your get-up just in movies. This is your get-up in real life. You just don't care. You got a flannel shirt on and some broken swim trunks and some fucked-up sneakers on. And he picked up my luggage, and he's like, hey, great to have you. Come on, let's go upstairs. and I went upstairs and there's a table

like a fucking table like a spread like a last supper packed with food and all those savages are eating the food and they're bringing in dishes it's Paramount they're bringing in dishes and they're like go help yourself and I took like a piece of Sam I had

I told this story before I had I don't know maybe 10 bucks 25 bucks I had enough for a pack of cigarettes I had maybe three or four joints maybe two joints and I had enough to tip the fuck yeah I tip the limo driver five bucks. I mean, that's all I had.

I'm sorry. And he's like, no worry about these people take care of me. And I had like 20 bucks. And I went in and I'm sitting here going, one of these people are going to ask me how much money I have or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They were eating at first. They were eating when I got there. So I just went over and picked up, and the first head I saw was Romanowski. And I just put my head back down. Then I looked up again, and it was the big Indian with warriors.

When I saw warriors come out to play, yeah. in the room I couldn't even look up anymore I'm like these guys are going to fire me they're doing a background check as we speak because they're fired I mean I couldn't this is just and then Brett Reynolds's like

hey how you doing I'm like okay you know he's like sit down next to me come on boy sit down next to me let's do this together now I'm sorry I had him Irvin I had Irvin to one side I had Irvin to the left of me and fucking Bert to the right of me

I had Nick the tour across from me I had Warriors come out to play, and I had Kevin Nash. That's who was right in my view. And I kept looking for my scene, you know, like, you had a yellow it and then say the line. Every time I had to speak, I was like, what are they going to fire me? Yeah. And then when I walked out, they go, they go, come in for Zah. I go, oh, there you go.

They're going to fire me. They go, hey, you got to go to the doctor for a physical, and you have to go sign your contract. We're only sign you for four weeks. Oh, my God. That was the deal. I was going to, something was going to happen at the prison. to me. I wasn't going to be able to play something. But after

I was there for one week, they paid me to do who gots. I would take the fucking limo. No, they gave me a rental car. I would take the rental car down there and eat their lunch. Wow. You know, like that lunch at one, I would go right down there, eat the fucking chicken and rice and beans. The first

couple weeks, we did everything at the high school gym. And the tables were like, you know, they're fucking professional football players. They want to eat everything. I mean, that was everything. eggs, oatmeal, you know, there was everything, a little bit of everything. And I would go there and eat and see these guys and go, they're going to fire me. The first week when I didn't work, oh, my God, I was in my room going, they know I kidnapped somebody.

They're getting the paperwork ready right now for a week. Every time I got high, I was to get paranoid. Then the second week, I didn't work Monday, but Tuesday I did something. We did the, we were going to kill the guards. We were going to rip the guards. And then we did the opening scene, Meatball, whatever, whatever, what's the line I say?

What's the one? The beginning, the first line, I'm going to tryout. Football triots. Football triots, you tell me. Then the next day I did the stomach. When they put me in, and they're like, go, just talk. And I'm like, don't you fucking cut me, cock's suck. You can't take cocksucker.

Don't you cut me, you fuck? You can't say you fuck, Joey. Don't you cut me assholes like. I was out in the rain. And that scene, they had me on a tarp. It's so weird how you don't see it. They have me on a tarp. And it was fucking about to pour.

And they're like, Joey, what are you thinking? I'm like, let's shoot this motherfucker. I kept shooting it. And they're like, go. And Adam and Chris Rock are howling. They're on the side's fucking howling. And I'm like, you motherfuckers, don't fucking cut me, you fuck. And I do it again, do it again, do it again.

Then the fucking sky blew up. And we all ran to the trailers and shit. And we're all giggling that. and they were all giggling at me, hit me. I tell, like, that was great. Now everybody in the set was talking to me. Yeah. Everybody in the set was like, now you did the job.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you did it. Now, before, you can't say none. Until you rock them, you can't say nothing. You got to sit down like you're retarded. Once I did that, you should have heard him. Bam, Joey, fuck. We were dying. Even Nick was like, oh.

So now it's raining. But I mean, not regular raining. The sky is black type deal. And we go to our trailers, and they go, don't leave. Just stay in the trailer. We didn't want to drive in this weather. So once it's cooled down, they used to have a hut where they would bring all the film to it.

And everybody, the producers, will watch the dailies. Yeah. And when I walked out, guys, I never said to snowboarder. I could hear them laughing. And I said to myself, that's a shame. I only have two, 10 more days on this set. They didn't give me a chance to show them what I could really do. Once I get warmed up and now.

Yeah, comfortable. And now, and when I got, they said, go eat. dinner and we'll talk to you. And at dinner they came and go, Adam wants to see you. And when I walked to Adam, they gave me a piece of paper and he goes, sign that. They're going to extend you for 17 more weeks. Congratulations.

Wow. And we gave you a raise and we'll put you on the F series. You're in. I always like, I had tears in my eyes. What's F series? F series means it's like a SAG contract where they, it's an ensemble cast. Oh. So if you're part of an ensemble cast, they have

different shooting things. Like, you have to show up every day, even if you don't work. There was a lot of little variables that they go, unless you had permission not to be there, you know. So it was just amazing. I went back to my trail and started crying. I'm like, this isn't happening. This isn't fucking happening,

you know. And the next day I got there and they already had the welcome suit. They had like a camera for me. You know, I mean, Adam went, you know. He really is his sweet as he seems. It was like a thousand bucks. It was like t-shirts and underwear and brand new socks and a camera.

accessories for your cell phone I mean he went all out they had tons of shit to give you but that was the story man and then I would bring you guys when we were here that was in New Mexico if I got to brought you guys to New Mexico you had really would have blown up

because they had umbrella girls they went to Albuquerque and hired strippers for 200 cash a day to come and put them up the kind of football players were fucking them and tormenting them to put them up up at the so they would come every day

and just stand with them umbrellas and bikinis and shot pants and you were assigned a fucking umbrella girl crazy and anytime you move they move with you that's why it's always like this movie cost a hundred million to produce you know

they have umbrella girls you're fucking umbrella girls that's insane that's insane so when we brought you up to it like I had to show people this and I didn't want to show just anybody like I wanted to show my blood I wanted to show comics who I really believed in because let me tell you something man

I don't, if I wouldn't have done a warm-up to that movie, I would have gotten fired. I tell people there's two projects that I should have gotten fired from. That there's no way I could have come to the general hospital, fired. Fired. If I would have came here and they got, whether I would have got a general hospital from the jump, fired. That's one-on-one acting. That's where you don't talk to nobody. They give you paperwork at the gate.

Hi, Joe Dazia, boom, they give you an envelope. They tell you what room to go, and they go, keep you on the wall. Because there's like a, you know, a stock exchange. Yeah. It just moved. It says, scene 38, come to the stage for rehearsal. They don't fuck. You can't be on the stage.

You just have to sit in your room dressed. Wow. And there's a microphone and like a thing. And they'll go, scene 44 coming for rehearsal. You got to go in there, rehearse the scene. Go put your clothes on. And you go back in there. And there ain't no cuts.

There's no nothing. Let's say the line is, I fucked you in the ass, Mildred. And you fucked everything up except Mildred? They go, pick it up in the top. And don't say I fuck. I fucked in the ass middle. They want you to pick it up from where you fucked up the line. That's how professional they are.

They speed along. They don't have time. They don't have time to stop and train you. It's a three-camera shoot against the wall. So they're just moving. They're just moving. So they call you out and they're like, Joe, you ready? Yeah.

They don't even call you by your name. Scene 34, come out for rehearsal. All right. We'll see you got. Go back to your room and change. Look up to teleprompter. Scene 24, come back and shoot. You go up there.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. There's no turnarounds. There's no, let's do this, let's do a halt from the top. Go sit down for 45 minutes. No, no, no, no, no. They fucking burn right through the scenes. When you go in there, you rehearse that motherfucker. You run back, you put your clothing on, and you come back.

I would have got fire from that. And I've got fired from the longest yard. They probably got that, like, right away. Right away. Couldn't handle it. There's no way. There were so many variables, the acting, like you have to remember tattoos, what tattoos you got and wear. Because they don't know.

They just give your fucking. guy a package every morning. Okay? So you have to tell him no, it's right fucking there. So you have to know exactly for the camera. And some of the PAs will come and fuck with you. Bro, you got to go do that tattoo over. It's too close to your knuckle.

And they don't have pictures from yesterday and go, look where it was yesterday. Yeah, there was a lot of little things. I couldn't get fucking used to. And plus my insecurities. Just your insecurity alone. You know, it's not a movie with four college kids. Right. This is Chris Rock looking at you and fucking, you know.

For Reynolds. What's the other guy? The guy, the car accident. Tracy Morgan and all these fucking people, you can't fuck a, when they say, all right, ready, Joey? Yeah, action. There's 200 people watching. Got to deliver. This isn't fucking 10 people in the room.

There's 200 people going, come on, Joey. And you're like, it's like a fucking fistfight. It's like going to the school play, you know. So it was, I wouldn't have made it. So when I brought you guys, I wanted you guys. I didn't bring, I only brought you an army. Wow. You are we?

And maybe there was two other people. Dave, Crowded Maryland's husband. Oh, yeah. Reynolds that he was a probation officer. That's how I got him on the set. Like, you're on probation? For what? Don't worry about it.

What's his name? Why are you? And Bert Reynolds got him and gave him an air beating for like three hours about why he wanted to go into law enforcement. So when Dave left there, he was, Dave looks down on me from heaven, everything goes, Joey's all right. No matter what happened. Because I took him on that set and fed him. He hated to fucking lunch. You ain't, dude.

Oh, it was amazing. You introduced me to Bert Ralph's the first person you introduced me to. Did I? Uncle Bert. Here's Steve Smith. are the Philadelphia Simones. And then you got him to start telling Steve McQueen stories about him and Steve

McQueen at the Formosa. Oh, my God. And I'm like this, is this happening? So then that happens, and we're having laughs. You're making Bert Reynolds laugh. The whole time. So then Adam Sandler comes over. And Adam Sandler's like,

wanted to be in the mix with you and Bert Reynolds. And I'm going, what am I doing here? Don't say anything. Don't say anything. And then you introduced me as a comic. And then Sandler told me a story about when he had a big, huge showcase at the Ice House. And he bombed and forgot everything. And he was like, Joey, we're making movies now.

He goes, it's so much easier than stand-up comedy. And I went, where am I? Where am I? Oh, my God. I remember at all. You know, I love when, I love decent people. I love, like Lee. When I call Lee and telling him, I'm going to fuck you up, motherfuckeruck.

We're doing heroin. and what he does, oh my God, he knows I'm giggling in the background. When Adam, when you went up to Adam and told him your story, like, Adam, hold on one second, here's this script. Let me talk to you. Adam would look at me and I could tell he was enjoying it. I'll tell you was enjoying it because I know I was rubbing a lot of people wrong, but he loved me. Do you follow me?

Like, that's why he loved me even more. Because he knew I was rubbing the fucking producer wrong. He knew the director hated me. He knew the other producer hated me He knew Like everybody was like We don't know where you should take Joe Diaz And he's like I'm gonna give this fat fuck a shot

I watch him personally When my nutsack followed on my shorts First person that came home And said hey psp Put that speed bag in the shirt Was fucking Adam Sandler How cool is that Most people come up with you

What the fuck are you not decent Adam was howling Adam and Joe Rogan Are the same person You know When they're in the room serious And people like Listen Joe you really got to team it down

with Joey. Joe goes crazy. I go, why? Why? You got, you better team at that. Why? That guy is fucking fun to have, you know, Joe goes all. And that's how Adam, that day, when I don't have to Adam sound, I go, and he's talking to all these fucking industry people. We're in,

it's the day Nellie's album went double platinum. He sold the two albums the same day. And he had that, uh, brand new Rolls Royce or Bentley or whatever was? You have no idea. This is all going on on this day. So they come in that morning and say, to us, hey, now this is all the people

from the movie, and that's the scene I took my pants off, right? I walk back and I'm like, I'm not dressing for this. And they're like, you have to? And I waited to everybody left the room. I didn't argue. I knew exactly how to get what I wanted. I knew exactly how to get how I wanted. Adam, I didn't fuck around with

nobody else. I went right to Adam and fought my case. Like, they wanted me to smoke. And I was like, Adam, come in. I ain't smoking. Who said you do what you want, Joe? Don't bother me. He loved it. The day he gained. me the microphone you know it was him that gave me the microphone with all those kids there and then he ran away and I could see him in the back going howling like a kid he get Dante was there oh my god they said don't give Joey the microphone don't

give him the microphone wait I don't know if I know this story what happened it was crowd the crowd warm-up you know when the crowd warm-up comes in there's a warm-up yeah so they're like and Dante knew me so we and Dante are fucking around I guess they went to Dante and said when you pass that mic around don't give it to Joey Diaz Adam took it from Dante and gave it to Joey Deers and he's like, go up to and do five minutes. And people like, shut it down, shut it down. They grabbed the kids, and Idaum is like, feed him, go.

He's loving it with his little fucking meme machine shit. I'll never forget it. He was loving it. And then when they came back and they came to the thing, he goes, don't fuck them. Just don't worry about them. He goes, I told them. He was the one who, he gave me that moniker. He goes, listen, as soon as you walk in a room,

the room becomes irrated. They all knew that fuck him. And he walked away from me. Wow. That's how cool that. man was. That's how cool anybody, listen, that's why when people talk about Adam Sandler, like his movies, not about

his movies, man, it's how he treats people. You know, Freddy, because Freddie Soto did the movie with him after me. Yeah, Spanglish. Spanglish. So, Freddy went to the premiere with Adam. And Freddy called me, next day, he goes, dog. I asked him, he goes, I didn't want to ask

him during the movie, but I asked him at the thing about, what do you think of my man, Joey Dias? And he goes, hold on one second. He goes, where did that motherfucker He stole my movie. He goes, think he that. He fucking came on that set. And he was high-fiving people.

I mean, you know, after a month, I ran that. Yeah, yeah, of course. I had my own uniforms. Everybody. People giving me massages. You had guys picking us up on golf carts. On garf carts. I'm like, what is?

No, he'll take you to get something. Didn't they give you gators? Didn't they give you gators? The guy picked me up. With gators on. And I go, what is this? Because Romanozki had a gator company. So he was giving those shoes to everybody.

And he gave the gay guy a pink one. Romanozki don't fuck around. He hated that kid. He gave him pink fucking shit. You had Romo. Oh, Romo. I got a big Eagles fan over here. You introduced me to everybody. Now, did I bring you Ari the day, Bert Reynolds hit the touchdown to win the game. Was it both he is? Or was it, Ari. Because Ari said he was right. I was right there. Oh, my God. That's Bert fucking Reynolds. I had to call my father. It was fucking surreal. And now, I never wanted you to go on the set and go, this is shit. I was on the longest. show. These motherfuckers are punk-ass bitches compared to what I saw.

Oh, I remember telling people when I got back to the comedy store, they were like, I forget who it was. They were like, oh, really? And I go, you don't understand it. And then they told everybody that me and you got into a chicken fight with Adam Sandler, Bert Reynolds. I was on your shoulders. And Burr Reynolds was on Adam Sandler's

shoulders. People were like, no way. It was the best. It was the best. He really... You know, I think Adam, like I watch Adam in other movies now. And like, yeah, they Sohan was on yesterday. That's great. That's great. I loved that one. I watched it because it's Adam.

I watched it because it was Adam. Because I was thinking how I went to audition. And I wrote him a letter. If I want work, well, I have to do it. It was a write Adam Sandler a letter. Like, I haven't seen him in two years. He just finished a cowboy movie. Oh, cool.

I'm writing him a letter next week. I've been thinking about it for like a month. It's time for an Adam Sandler letter. So maybe his next movie's in Hawaii. Because he shoots all those fucking movies in Hawaii, too. Genius. They were going to shoot the longest shot in Hawaii. I think they would have been.

but then they couldn't figure out how they were going to see GI the trees. Oh my gosh. That was the problem. They didn't know how they were going to get rid of the fucking palm trees. Really? No, that's why I brought, it's weird. We're still friends fucking 12 years later, and I had the utmost respect. I knew you were going to do something with your life.

I just wanted you to see that so you could see what I was seen through my eyes. And for that whole shooting, I was waiting to die. I'm not going to lie to any of you guys I was waiting to a building to fall on me and I was ready to accept it I was that far I was such a loser for such a long time this didn't put me in a higher

I never looked at it like that's that to me is the devil no no I looked at it as nothing had been working out for me for so long so when I got this it was I felt like something was gonna happen like I was gonna die of a heart attack I kept thinking a building was going to fall on me. I remember laughing in Santa Fe going,

when is this building going to fall on me? It's only five floors. It's not going to happen here. It's going to happen in L.A. Not a fucking regular one. It's like a piano is going to fall on me. It was just too surreal. It was too surreal to be at a table,

the prison table, at the end, when we're eating the chicken, we got so fucking high. I bought a pound. I bought a pound for $2,500. and brought it with me. It was so good to weed. I just brought it with me. I sold half of it to Nellie,

and I gave the other half to other people. Me and Nellie and the rest of us were so fucking stone. Now, what's the quarterback from the other team? He hates weed. They put him in Nellie's trailer by mistake. And he had smoked weed in there, and he got pissed. He didn't like drugs.

So we went out of our way to torment that fucking guy. That's a star. The quarterback. But that scene? We got so high. We ate so much chicken. They had to send out and get more stuffing.

That's what we were eating. Whatever we were eating in that thing. Oh, the cranberry sauce! We ate the fucking ten cans of cranberry sauce. Oh, my God. They kept saying, how can cranberry sauce be delicious? We were so fucking stone. We ate the cranberry salt.

And that scene, we was there for a day. That scene, what made that scene even better was that, uh, fucko. We just mentioned them. was next to me when he ripped the door off the trailer. What was his name? Yeah. A Goldberg? Goldberg is good friends with the TV host from Chicago, Morrie Povich.

I don't know, huh? So he did this, sorry about that, people. I'm trying to not make the bottle. So he did a benefit. He brought kids that day. Like, you know, 100 homeless kids or something. Wow. Mori Povich did?

And we're wrecked. And Goldberg, we're wrecked. We're stoned to the gills. and these kids are walking around and asking us fucking creepy questions I want to get into stand-up it's just amazing I remember hugging this little black

just I couldn't where I had been I had never seen anything like that you know I had done a movie with James Colburn I had done little things already I'd done Spider-Man 2 already when I got that movie but nothing impacted me

like the first month of the longer shot I walked around and didn't do it I didn't do blow at all in Santa Fe to have no way Last week where I took that little chick home that sucked the bottles that Tracy Morgan kept asking if she wants a black baby. That fucking little dirty bitch. That's the only person I did blow it.

I mean, that was it. I mean, I was so in this zone that this is not happening. This is like my mother dying. This is not happening. This dream I'm going to wake up out of this dream. I got to fire me. But, you know, it was just a good preparation. Like, it really was amazing.

I remember now on hindsight, I look back at stuff like that. I remember it was Joe Rogan that told me that he goes, fame comes to you in stages. And it was exactly what you were just saying. He said that, uh, he was like, this has got to be 14 years ago at the comedy store, 12 years ago. He was like, if tomorrow night you got on the tonight shows, there was a fallout and they go put Steve Simone on the tonight show and he goes, and you killed it. He's like, you could kill it right now.

He goes, but that would be the worst thing in the world for you because you wouldn't be able to handle it. you would lose your mind. He was like, it's got to come to you in stages. He goes, first, you're going to become friends with somebody famous. And he was like, that's the great thing about the comedy. He was like, look at it. He goes, do you think of me as famous? I go, I guess so.

He goes, yeah, but it's not a big deal to you. He goes, I was just in Florida with Joey Diaz. We were in the mall. And people go, there's the guy from news radio. This was even before UFC blew up. And he goes, we got chased in the mall. He goes, they didn't know how to handle seeing somebody famous. He goes, but now we're friends.

He goes, I'm not Joe Rogan from TV. I'm just Joe to you. And I'm like, yeah. And then he said, he goes, now that's the first level. It was the second stage. He goes, one of your friends? And I remember Renazizi and Ari were there. He goes, one of these guys, it could be him, could be one of these guys.

One of your friends is going to become famous. And he goes, and that's what's going to trip you out. You're going to start going, wait, we're working the door at the comedy store together. And now he's making movies. And he goes, and that's what you need. He goes, because then it starts to seem normal to you. You get exposed to it without the pressure of performing. And he was like, and then what's going to happen is you're slowly going to start to become famous and not even realize it.

He's going to, because when one of your best friends is shooting a movie, you're pissed that you just got to do the Tonight Show. You're going to go, yeah, I did the Tonight Show, but I should have done the Tonight Show five years ago. So it's all going to be behind where you think you're supposed to be. And he goes, and that's how it seems normal to you. And he goes, and that's why you're making movies, but you're really thinking about what are you going to produce next. You don't even think acting in a movie is a big deal. And I'm like, that's genius. And it's so true.

You know, when I came out here, I never expected big things. I never expected. I knew what I didn't want to be. I knew. That's important. I didn't want to be Seinfeld. I knew I always wanted to be a character in a big show. Let them, you know, what's the show with the gay guy, Grace?

Will and Grace? Will and Grace. That show is not about those two Jamokes. I like them both. That show is about the chick, the alcoholic, the little short girl. I never saw that. Oh, oh. She's 12.

I never saw it. She was fucking tremendous on that. She was really good. It was their show, but it was her and Jack who fucking demolished that show. I mean, she demolished that show. She was everything a character wanted to be rich, a drunk, married to a 70-year-old guy, or her comments, a drunk, fucking everything. She's just a drunk with vodka.

She made that show. But nobody gave her credit. I did Children's Hospital with her. And I saw her running in the halls and she's doing a close. all of a sudden she's doing a clown shit and i walked up i'm like listen that fucking darman gregg what i don't know grace and slick whatever's that well and grace you fucking rocked that and she's like thank you i mean you really rocked wow i'm gonna have to go back and watch it because if you say she killed oh oh she kills it dog she fucking kills it every episode she was the episode that's awesome

the show her and the mexican made yeah the mexican fucking made we're fucking brilliant brilliant together. So that's like your ideal role? Yes. Just come on the show and let me go fucking crazy. Let somebody else be their name on the thing. Let them do all that. I want that. I never wanted that guy. I never wanted to sit in a

fucking BMW. I never wanted to walk into a fucking comedy club 8th deep. That's not necessary. Those things are not necessary to me. I don't judge by manhood by me driving a beam and throwing keys on a valet. I see

the attitude. I don't not like bea- because I don't like them because people get this different attitude when they drive a beamer, especially here. Yes. You know,

they don't even, you make all this money and you have all these options to buy a car, but you go buy this bemer because that's what the stat, you know, that's always bothered me.

Yep. You know, when I did a lot of movies when I go to the studios, I see all these lines up in beavers. Same car. Beemers. Like, nobody has any creativity.

Like, they all want to be far the same fucking gang. Yeah. Fuck that shit. That's why a beamer. And then to what? To spend 60,000, to do 35, go fuck your mother.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a fucking beamer. If I do 90 in the Subaru, you know, I don't want to be a fucking beamer. You know, I mean, it's, I was thinking about what's going on with you in your life right now. Right now, you're a rocket ship.

With all the right people sitting in it, but they haven't loaded the gunpowder in it. Like, you're ready to take off. It's just a matter of, it's like when you go to an airport and they're behind, there's 15 flight. It's whenever your plane takes off.

Because you never really know what's going on, but you can always see a guy that's doing the right choices. I didn't know then, but I know now, that for some reason in all my co-keys, when we were fucking around in Vegas with DJ and DJ, whatever's fucking... That I still was making good choices as a comic. I was still trying to...

I knew that I wasn't going to make it as a comic. I fucking knew it. I knew that what I wanted wasn't going to come to me as a comic. So I went through the back door. It's funny how all these people on Twitter hit me, and they go, Joey, I'm watching you on the base. I didn't know. That was me, guy.

I've been fucking at this for 10 years. Sure. I've been at this for 18 years, okay? Nothing, I could always see when I smell somebody who's looking for a quick hit. I know when somebody approaches me and they have their nose wide open. You can always tell when somebody's walking into a room and their nose is wide open. And you didn't come to the store of me last week or the week before. You missed this girl the other night.

That, and I always said, I was, I wanted to be funny. I always wanted to be funnier than being famous. To me, I wanted to be funny to be, fuck famous, fuck for all that shit. Earn your black belt. I wanted to be funny. I wanted to learn, I watch, I love Lucy, I watch the honeymooners, I watch Jack Benny. I watch comedy from every fucking level to be funny to take a little piece from those people. Not a joke, a nod from their eye.

I watched Jeff. You know, the idea I was on the phone with Don Marrera, and I explained to Dom how many times I watched that Rodney special that he's on with all those famous comedians. I rented it so much they wouldn't take my money at the fucking video store no more. Wow. Nobody else was renting that fucking movie when I was renting it. But I rented it so much that they were like, Joe, you can't take your money on more.

Thank you. You've been, you paid for this movie three, four times. I didn't, you know, I lie to people. I tell people that was a pussy. It wasn't that I was a pussy. It was I was covered my phone. basis. First thing I watched was Punchline. With Tom Hanks.

Yep. And then after that, you make the call, you buy Judy Carter workbook. Yep. You read that. Then you buy the Jean Parade bullshit. Yes. And you read that for a little while, right? No, in the meantime, I wasn't a pussy. I was preparing myself a merry angle, just like Jiu-Jitsu. I didn't

want to miss a beat and I've come back to it later. So I got the Rodney Dangerfield, both of them with fucking Roseanne and Hicks and Kennison and the black guy that made the movie for $4,000 on his credit card. Robert Townsend. Killed it. Killed it.

Father. Big Pity. Little Pity. Little Pity. Lord of Peeeeee. I watched that. Killed on that. The only fucking times I watched that and made notes and cried and went to bed. Is it on YouTube? It's one of the best pieces of stand-up ever. Rodney Dangerfield's

comedy specials. Twinked that in there. I had no money at all. No money. When I was living with Fat James, and I remember coming off the road with Pauly, one time I bought the Rockies There was five Rockies I bought the five Rocky DVDs

Next time I came off the road I bought the Rodney Dangerfield They did a collection of those And it was all the specials It is It was common And I'm sorry I haven't spoken about this earlier

It was Comedy 101 for me Ronnie Dangerfield No respect Let's try that Let's try what happened Young comedian special There it is Where

Yeah look for Rodney Young Comedians special. Sorry about that guys. You really, really, if you have not seen this. Try in 1884. Oh, Nelson. Have you seen Bob Nelson Lee? No. Oh, he's so good. Tap him. Tap him, Bob.

Right on top, right on the top one. That's Bob Nelson with the fucking boxing gear on. You really never seen this? Jeff, what? All right, put this on, Lee, for the people at home. If you've ever wanted to be a professional boxer or just look like one. Come on down to Jiffy Jeff's gym

in New York City You never saw this Lee? No I'm going to shoot you in the fucking head to No wait no you show me part of it The proprietor of Jiffy Jeff's gym Jiffy Jeff himself to give you a few free pointers

on how to become a professional fighter You know what I saw this Lee? No, you show me this Oh Buh Fee Jets Jim Buh My Buh

Pahue Pire I own the I own the gym And I'm here to give you a few free tips. On the professional fight, become a professional fighter. How to become a professional fighter. First of all, let me start off, right off the bat. Right off the bat, let me start off.

There's a lot of training, a lot of training, a lot of training, training, train, train, train, every day. Training, training, training, training. As a matter of fact, some of the guys take the train from their homes, into the day, into the city, every day, into the city, which is a lot of trading itself as well. So you have to trade to trade, trading, trade. Get a monthly ticket, get a monthly ticket if you take the trade.

I have a monthly ticket. I don't take the train, but it's such a fucking bargain. I bet one anyway, you know? Okay, trading, that's one. Now also, you need, you, you, you, V, elemental P, Q, plus the, you. You need a, you need a nickel. You need a nickel. You need a nickel.

I can't, I can't get in my pockets. You need a, you need a nickel, nickel, nickel. Nicholas, Nicholas, Nicholas! Oh, you need a nickname, a nickname, a nickname, yeah, that's it. If you want to become a fighter, a fighter, a fighter, a fighter, a fighter. If you want to become a fighter, you need a good nickname. Okay, Jerry Cootie, ever hear of you, Jerry Cootie? He's got a good nickname.

They call him gentlemen. They call him gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. Stocks your engines! They call him gentlemen, and, uh, do you know why? You don't want to call him gentlemen? You know why? You know why? You know why? You know why? I have no fucking idea. That's your nickname.

And then there's, there's, uh, there's, uh, marvelous. There is marvelous, Marvin Haglet. You know what I call him marvelous? Because he looks, uh, good. That's what I call him that. I have a nickname. I have a nickname. I have a nickname. They call me Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.

What? What? What? That's very much. I'm sorry. I thought I heard somebody calling me. Anyway, they call me. Jeff, Jeff.

What? What? What? Food and commercial. I'm probably looking at me, saying, who the hell are you to tell me about the fight game? Well, let me tell you right now, I, I've had myself, I've had alto training.

I've had alto, al-al, no, a lot, a lot of training. I'm sorry, I spelt it wrong, I spelled it wrong, Al-to, a lot, okay, I fucked up. But anyway, I have had a lot of training. I was a professional fighter at one time. I had what, I had what, I had want, I had want, want, what, what, what, what the fuck do you want? Oh, I'm talking to you, right, I'm talking to you, right? I'm talking to you.

I had, believe me, I had six professional fights, six professional fights of which I lost 11. Funny, funny, fine. Fucking story. You want to hear a story? I'll tell you something. I was fighting with Marvin. I was sparring. You ever sparring with somebody in sparring match? They pay you very well.

$5 a shot, $5 shot. Every time they hit you, boom, $5, you know? So if you get hit 10 times, what is that? $35? Anyway, that's what happened. So I was sparring with this guy. I was sparring with Marvin, Hagler. No, Marvin, Hagglin, no, Marvin, Hagglin,

Marvin. One of those fucking guys, it doesn't matter. They're fight the same way. I forgot it cursed. What's the soft poor? I don't know. Anyway, anyway, I'm in the ring. I'm in the ring. I'm in the ring.

I'm in the ring. I'm in the ring. Answer the fucking. Anyway, I'm in the ring with Hagler, right? And he's, he's, he's hit him, he's hit him, he's hit him, he's hit him, he's hit him, he's hit him, he's I'm counting my money, $5, $5, $5, $5, $5, $5, $5, $5,000. Good pay day, $5, $5, $5, $5. Now, all of a sudden, all of a sudden, he stops hitting me. I mean, I'm fighting with the guy, all of a sudden he stops hitting me.

I'm in a corner like this coming up, like that, you know? I can't see him, so after about 30 seconds, I'm thinking one, of two things. Either he went home or he ran out of money. I don't know which. That's Mitch Hedbert. That's a Mitch Hedberg.

That's a type of joke that Mitch was right. This is brilliant, guys. Physical, well-written. You know, I'm sorry I didn't talk about this for other people who wanted to do stand-up and start. Let's see what else they got on there. Okay. They got, who else on, do they have looked for,

Oh shit. Look for Andrew Dice Clay. Oh, he fucking kills it. He follows Bill Hicks. Just scroll that down. Right there. You want to Dice Clay? Yeah, yeah. He fucking kills this. This is what made him a star. You never saw this thing? No, you show me this. Is this whole tape?

No, I don't think we watch the whole thing. I tell you, next gentleman comes from Brooklyn, okay? I show you Bill Hicks. Yeah. And I guess the best way to describe him is to say he's the typical boy next door. Say hello to Andrew Dice Clay, okay? Who's the gay dude that was pool at the store. I love them.

He always showed up with young boys. He opens up the show. He opens one of these up because there's two of them. Yeah, there are two of them. Guys, like I said, I'm sorry. Go on Amazon and look for Rodney's Young Comedian Special or if you want to know comedy 101. Because you've got 10 of the best comics of all time

to learn from from Lenny Clark to fucking Kennison at the end. Yep. And you know Hicks how to follow this fucking animal. Yep. And he fucking follows him. This is just comedy 101, guys. Well, Miss Muffet sat on a toffet. Eating occurred some way.

Long came of Spite. He sat down beside he said, hey, was in the bowl, bitch. It's still funny. I'm not too bad. I want to cry. Jack and Joe went up the hill both with a buck in a quarter. Joe came down with $2.50. boy blue

he needed the money wasn't old lady lived in a shoe she had so many kids the uterus fell out wasn't for that laugh of that Mary Mary quite contrary trim that pussy it's so damn hairy old mother hubbit went to the cupboard

to get her old dog a bone she bent over rover took over she got a bone of her 38 years ago, this was, guys. Right? 87. So it's 27, 27, 28.

28 fucking years, God. Wow. Like I said, if you really get a chance, you should watch this if you're into stand-up and what did you watch to get you into stand-up? This stuff. I remember watching this live.

I remember me and my brothers. It was in my parents' bedroom. For whatever reason, I guess it came on late at night, and we're all on the floor watching it. Everybody in the room together crippled with laughter. I remember Dice. I remember Kinnison coming out and doing the sand bit. That's why you're eating, why you're here. Yep.

All that shit. This is sand. Yeah. Nothing grows here. It's a fucking desert. Yep. I remember seeing Eddie Murphy. I remember my parents going to see prior when I was three.

And I don't know why, but I remember I wanted to go see him. I grew up in one of those houses where, like, you know, some families are like the sports family, or they know everything about sports and the kids are all athletic and the dad's it. And then there's other families where they're nerds or there's other family. My family was the comedy family. You could come over, watch right at R movies when I was nine. My parents didn't care. I was watching Eddie Murphy, Carlin.

I remember seeing the dice and then the special Dice man comments after that. Oh, my God. I'm going to be in the halfway house. Watching that in the fucking halfway house, making them watch that. New Year's Eve. Yep. And at that point I knew. I'm like, this is what I want to do.

I want to do what he's doing because he's saying half the shit I'm thinking. Yes. You know, planted in your ass and all that shit. He's saying half the things I'm fucking thinking anyway. So I want to give this a shot. You know, Dice really fucking was the one that pushed me over the ledge. Yeah. I liked Rodney.

I like Richard Pry, but Dice was the one that said, you know, when I watched Richard Pry, I go, maybe I could do that. But when I watched Dice, Dice was the convincing thing. Yes. Because my thoughts were like that. You know, people, you know, just so many things that my, when I'm walking, and I was telling people on Stasi on, I know, your first reaction is your real reaction. Yes.

And you guys saw a picture of Caitlin last week and you said in your heart, Jesus Christ fucking almighty. That's your first reaction. Then your mind gets that reaction and makes it, society forms it. So you have an answer. So when you go to Starbucks, you don't know. friend your friends and you don't offend your coworkers. That's the problem with society today. Everybody can't offend and we can't say

what's really on our mind. But your first reaction is, what the fuck is this? What the fuck? There's so many things like that that happen in today's society that we're not really fucking thinking about. Like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. What the fuck is this? You know, it even applies

to the medical marijuana business. I just want to Denver and I'm like, what the fuck is this? You know, I like this. This is great. blah, blah, blah, but what the fuck is this? This is, this cannot be. This cannot be happening. What I'm fucking like that.

What are you laughing about? Do you clean the microphone? I don't know. There was a piece of fucking something on there, like, length. I was just cleaning. I wasn't laughing at that. I was laughing at your reaction, like, this is too good to be true.

This is too good. No. Listen, I look at it from both perspective. When I look at things like that, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm a pot smoker. I smoked pot for fucking 30-something fucking years.

Am I proud? No, I'm not proud of it. But there's one part of that that I see it weakening the moral fight. I'm not going to lie to you. Interesting. You know, this thing with Caitlin, okay, he had female feelings. I'm going to go on the ledge here. He had female feelings.

And whatever he had, he knew he was a female. I watched the, whatever, Diane Shaw, and it was very touching, and I cried myself. I get in the way what he's doing. Yes. I don't get the applaud for this. I don't get the, I think it's a fake applaud. You know, again, I'm going to go on the limb here. Two guys getting married.

Listen, I got a gay cousin. I have fucking tons of friends that are gay, and I break their balls. I call them faggot. I say it on stage, but I have no hatred for gays or nothing like that. But I got to tell you something. Two guys walking down on the street fucking married,

it doesn't bother me. It does not bother me. But I have to ask you, how is Lee and his wife that are attorneys and their straight-laced people? Lee wouldn't curse if he didn't hang out with me. Lee wouldn't do half the fucking things. How would him and Paula, what would they talk about?

How would they tell their son? They're going to have a nice son or a nice daughter. They're not going to curse. They're not going to drink in the house. They're two nice white fucking people. How do you explain to your son at five why Jim and fucking Pat are swap and spit down the fucking block? Because you're going to see it.

You're going to fucking see it. Your daughter, who is six, is going to go, Daddy, you told me mommy and daddy. It's already happening in the schools. It's happening. So I'm not mad at it. But this is something that America would have said, hey, man, what the fuck?

What fuck is going on here? That's pro and con to it. I understand you want a man and you want to make your fucking statement, but I still got to fucking tell people. I still got to talk to six-year-olds that can't comprehend that type of share. I always, listen, I saw one shoot whatever at 8th. I'm telling you right here, guys. Did it affect me in a lot of ways?

I do not know. If you talk to psychiatrists, it did affect me somewhere. You know, did it give me PTSD? I don't know. They don't know. This morning's episode also on The Sopranos, very interesting. I got up early this morning. We're up to season three.

Wow. We haven't watched it in five or six years. It's great when you haven't seen them in a while. That's what I did. I go, let me turn these on. Wow. And that episode also is when Anthony figures out why he started fainting. When he goes to Satrials, and they take Satriali in the back and they cut his finger off.

Okay? They cut his finger off. He's fine. He gets in the car. He goes home. The guy who plays his father? Great. It's fucking great.

Have you seen him yet? No, he plays his father. He was in Carlito's way. He's the brunette that chases Carlito to the train at the end. Get him. He's the son. He's the son. He's what's his name son in that?

Oh, yeah. Both of them, him and the guy who plays young junior are in Carlito's way. That was a good movie. I got to go back. He was a very fucking good movie. But what do you call that? What were you talking about? Sopranos, how the childhood incident affected him as a grown.

So he went to Santrials. He was a good. The reason why they owned Satrials is because Santrials killed himself. It's a great interesting story of the Satrials. He killed himself because he owed bookie money. He owed, he lost a shop to gambling. And that's why the Sopranos took it over. Tony took it over.

He owns the whatever. But then he goes home, and that's when his father calls the movement. He says, come here. Most guys would have ran away like a little girl. you handled it. Nothing happened to you. I'm proud of you. But remember, don't go,

don't get older and gamble. He breaks it down for him. He goes, I know you like Mrs. Satriela. He's a good man. But he has a very bad problem to gamble. He doesn't honor his bets. And a man honors his debts. And he breaks it down.

I mean, you just cut off some guy's fucking finger. You break him down for your kid. And poor young Tony is like, yeah, whatever. Then they go in the kitchen and he cut the roast. And as he's cutting the roast, that's the first time he fainted and he got four stitches. you know so and then dr melphy tells them how it affected them blah blah blah blah I don't know

you know I just don't know how that how it's going to affect the seven year old walking down the street and saying I just saw two guys and this might not happen in their lifetime maybe I'm exaggerating maybe I'm over whatever but these are little topics that in my world I gotta say to me and I'm telling you even the fucking marijuana all this free marijuana shit was not something I was into the dis-legalizing marijuana, it's not something I was into. I appreciate the money it's making and all this.

And I smoked dope with three hands. But I didn't like what it would do to the moral fabric. I didn't like it. Interesting. I didn't like it. There's a lot of things that are against moral fabric that are against what we believe. Yeah, I went to prison and I fucked up and I paid my debts. Right.

And I was against my own moral fabric. Okay. See, you're hitting on a huge topic that I don't talk often about, but the problem is not messing up isn't a problem. We're all human. We're all going to make mistakes. But at least you know when you make a mistake. Our moral compass in this country is so

gone. Gone. People do not know when they're being rude. People do not know when they're being mistakes. People do not care. I see how people park. It has to change. I went to jihitsu this morning. Selfishness. 22 people fucking parking eight inches, nine feet from the other guy. I think that should be a ticket. I would pay that. I would

fucking, I would vote for that to be a ticket. People would just scumbags. In fact, It's getting raised. That's the problem. You broke down the family. Financial pressures made, everybody has to go out and work. Nobody's raising the kids. We praise the almighty dollar. Everybody's materialistic. Everybody's selfish. You don't know your neighbors. There are no more family. But it's going to come back. Vegas is my biggest paycheck. And I actually thought how I was going to get out of Sunday. That's what Sundays mean to me.

Yes. That's what Sundays mean to me, guys, the whole thing. I don't want to break my moral fabric. I was raised on Sundays and that's, to five o'clock. You didn't do dick. You ate dinner with your family. You watch mutual of Omaha. Yeah. And you watch entertainment. Disney has a Disney. And you went to bed of ten and you prepared for fucking Monday morning. It's necessary. That's what's necessary. That's what my Sundays mean to me. Yeah, I could work every Sunday and make an extra $10,000, $20,000 a year and that's for my family. But what if me and my wife break up? Right. What if me and

and Mercy and the wife and I appreciate Sunday dinner? It's big to me. It's big time. It's big to me. You need time off. I tell comics all the time. I remember now Rogan don't work Sunday. See if you can fucking give Rogan the Sunday. Because he understands. You get all, you know, people say to me after the show, Joe, you want to smoke, Joe, you want, I don't want to do dick on Saturday.

Once Saturday night's always, listen, I don't, Lee, tell these dummies. They ain't nothing on my agenda, but getting back. I don't look at the baby's picture. All day Thursday and all day Friday. I refuse to look at the baby. When her and her and my wife come into

my mind, I don't think about it. I know that what I'm doing is for them. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and it gives me four days a week with them. I go swimming with my goal. Tomorrow I have a big day. But at 3 o'clock, I don't give a fuck. Unless you're paying me, I'm at the YMCA working out because they show up at 5 to swim. That's great.

So I'll go tomorrow at 4 to the Y and work out for an hour and a half. By the time they get there, I'll swim with her. My wife says, because we're going to want to date Thursday night. And my wife said, well, I'll come back and cook you. And I go, no, we have a thing that we do on Thursdays and Tuesdays. And that's, we eat in during the week. But after swimming on Tuesdays and Thursdays, what's it cost? We go to the habit, like a family.

I get the salad. She gets a cheeseburger. She gets a baby cheeseburger. She costs $24 fucking. And we get the vanilla cone there. Awesome. We give her ice cream. And then Tuesdays we take out of Jersey mics after swimming.

She gets the half of, she likes the Philly cheese steak. That's white with chips or cookie. You guys didn't know that. Oh, my God. That's awesome. Mersey gets the chicken cheese? She gets a steak and cheese, and she's not on the carb. She opens it up and eats the bread first, and then eats the cheese, then the inside of the white bread.

Oh, that's so cute. Then we give her a cookie. We give her a bag of chips, and we give her milk. So she drinks that, and then we take it to the custard store next door, and I get her a gizmo. Whatever the flavor is, that's a light yogurt, light custard with Italian ice, and I mix it for her. Is that Rita's? Yeah. Yeah, and we sit there, right there, in the floor, like a family, and we fucking do that.

And last week, Lee and I had to do a podcast at 8 on Thursday, and at 7 I go, ladies, I have to take you home now. And they know, they go home, but we spent that time. You know, before I knocked my wife up on Tuesday nights, when place the show was date night in my house. Yeah. Because I can't do it Thursday because I'm off Thursday. Right.

So there's no date. So one night a week, you pick, and we would go to yoga together, and then we'd go eat somewhere. That's great. Sweaty, we'd go eat somewhere, and we'd be home by 9th, 30, and we watch, I'd smoke a joint, wash my pussy, and watch Sons Anarchy on D-B.

Perfect. But I know that, like I told on Nari's podcast, I know how to ruin the marriage. You want to ruin the marriage? Come see me. I'll tell you all the things. Go play Soppo with your fucking moron buddies.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go play golf with your jerk-off friends on Saturday and Sunday and spend 200 fucking playing chasing the ball with your jerk-off buddies. Oh, you want to go to Vegas because it's your friend's birthday

and you don't get out too much. Yeah, go to Vegas with your six loser fucking friends. Whatever. Right. These are all the things that once you walk down the aisle, it's all over. Yeah. Because every time you do that, it's giving her an opportunity to go, where is his fucking head at? Yeah.

Maybe I should suck the neighbor's dick. He's home next door doing nothing. He's a great guy. He's got class. He's got style. My husband's in Vegas are a bunch of jerkops jumping up and down. When I see guys playing softball on Sunday, talk, I went four for four. When you're playing softball, your wife's sucking somebody else's dick.

So go play softball, your little faggot fucking friends. fucking softball. You're 30 years old. You're fucking softball. You're 30 fucking years old. What softball? What softball are you talking about? What dart are you?

Take a dart and throw it at your fucking dick. Your wife is, either she's sucking or she's going to suck somebody else's dick. She's thinking about it. She's thinking about it because you're out with your fucking idiot friends, and she's got to take a loyalty of where the fuck you stand. Yeah. And once he starts going out with her dumb friends, that's how you blow her fucking marriage. Yeah, because then they're getting hurt.

Yeah. You don't want to get no fucking doubts in the marriage. I did all these things. Now, how do you keep it together? It's a Sunday dinner. It's those little things. Last Thursday, her and I, we fucking, and listen, I hate going to the movies in the daytime. Yeah.

But I had to go. That two hours saves a marriage. Yeah. Fuck your dumb friends in a barbecue and a fucking football. I don't give a fuck about none of that shit. Family time. When it comes to your wife, you have to give them the attention they deserve. It's going to go down the tubes.

Yeah. They don't want to hear about it. Me and Lee went to your stupid fucking softball shirt on. You're a grown fucking man. You want to play softball? You should play softball and do the fucking thing when you were 14. When your father thought you to go play catch. Now you want to be a fucking all-stripe baseball.

Oh, yeah, I'm on the semi. What fuck? What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? I want to be around. Look, Tony Bennett's so on this motherfucker. It's Monday. Cucksuckers June 8.

We're dropping it here. Steve Simone in the house. Lee, pick it up a little bit. You're fucking slipping tonight. You're slipping tonight. You're a little bit. Fucking guy, he the taffy and a mushroom, and look at him, he's falling apart. Ready for another star?

No. A cap. No. I want to be a wreck up the pieces. When somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart as I. Somebody twice as smart. Take your fucking Jewy fingers off that fucking thing, all right?

the little fucking Pontius pile of fingers Cocks suckers The one thing Put on the beginning of the next song I left my art in San Francisco I love the beginning of that song

It's fucking beautiful Tell me that it's a change The loveliness of Paris Are you fucking kidding me Are you fucking kidding me You motherfuckers That's why this guy's still rocking I bet Lady Gaga looks at him

and says, drop this knowledge that you have. Oh, sure. You were dropping songs in 55. That's when this came out. I left my heart in San Francisco. What was the release on that? I just got to play. Hold on one second.

Where's the volume here? What is this for deaf people? The loveliness of Paris seems somehow sadly gay. The glory that was Rome is of another. the day I've been terribly alone and forgotten in Manhattan I'm going home to my city by the day he just lights me up right here every time I left my heart in San Francisco

hell it called to be well that's real fucking brilliant some guy fucking lip-syncing opening opening up his soul there's a vulnerability to that era of music that people are afraid to that's why it's all garbage got to open it up you got to open up your soul this morning i almost had a nervous breakdown guys i put it on t for one let's up oh okay just put it on i was right and i remember I had to change the glasses for the spirits. On Mondays, I always put glasses out for you. My mom, my dad, my godmother, I say prayers for everybody who's dead. Raygo, Anthony Banzan, all of them.

And I took a shower. When I came out of a shower, I could hear the beginnings of a stairway to happen. And guys, I had to hold myself out. I was like, I had to sit in my wife. I was like, what's the matter? I may believe I was spraying my nose because I was just overwhelmed. The beginning of that fucking jam? And I was thinking of Anthony.

When we buried Anthony, that was the big fucking song. Oh, my God, I just got it was like, God damn, this motherfucker's going to send me a message today. And he did, he got me an audition. Wow. Amazing. Fuck, yeah. Isn't it amazing how all connected everything is?

It's beautiful. The motherfucker got me a fucking audition, that little spirit of fucking pepper nose. Let me read out some goddamn shout-out to you. My main man, Matthew Oliveris, whatever your name is, Oliverus. He had Jason Skinner, Sarah Hunt, you dirty bitch, Derek. Dan Y'all, happy birthday on your 18th birthday, you little fucking crazy fuck.

Joe Kenyon holding it down in New Jersey. Cocaine Tamales, you bad motherfucker. Jonathan Sirloin, McLeodstein over there on Facebook. And my man, Rob J. 244, sent me the best fucking picture of the day. He's a little white kiddie. He sent me a picture of a... Dunkin' Donuts, something with some shitty donuts. Dung and Donuts now offers chips ofoy and Oreo flavored ice coffee.

Ice coffee. He's like these fucking Gentiles. You got to see this kid. I love it. It was a picture of the day. So where was this Dunkin' Donuts? They opened in the Valley, guys. They didn't open one in the Valley today?

Yes, they did. Uh-oh. I'm behind. They didn't go. Pit it. Let's see where. Doesn't matter because Yum Yum. Those Mexicans are Yum.

Shit. Those motherfucking Dunkin' Donough people, they'll wrap those little immigrants out and shit. There'll be no more Yum Yum Donuts. It'll be a white guy named Jim making donuts. Hello. That tastes like fucking asshole. Those Mexicans, they throw everything in them donuts.

Chili Verde is over at Yum Yum. Me and Lee and his wife went to fucking Yum Yum. Where Lee? Intino. Oh, shit. Lee, you're a fucking mutt. I'm telling you. I go out of town and you're supposed to stay on top of this,

but you're home taking care of Paula. The first day grand opening was Donut Day. I was out of town. And Lee, you were fucking dicking around. You should have been up there online. Paul T. Went, the guy that was a guest on the podcast. A bunch of people were up there getting front. Free fucking donuts.

I can't wait. So we might have to make a run to donut and Italian sandwiches. Get some sauces sandwiches and fucking don't. How far from the fucking thing? Figure it out, Lee. God damn it. Now you're pissing me off. Domingos is at Ventura and White Oak.

Hold on. You're supposed to know this shit, Lee. I thought you were going to call me. I had to take my Google alert for donuts off. You did? No, but I just can't go to donuts anymore. I just remember that they put a dunk and Donuts and Lee didn't say shit to me because he's fucking slipping.

I'm talking. I've been telling you people for weeks He's slipping and you don't believe me Not about the podcast He's slipping in life Alright So wait This is at Ventura

And He's really figuring it out That's why I love this Buffalo So where's It's like a mile away What is it called Domingos? Yeah

Which is just do Ventura and Waito Oh shit It's right around the corner I think Yeah the only fucking Good donut Dunkin Donnas That's still going to eat

Is the apple and spice Yum yum It's too fucking strong Oh dude It's so close Yum, Yum. What's gross? No, I said it's so close. It's a .9. We're going to do a killing. Let's go to Domingo's, get a sassiche,

then take the car up, get a little coffee, that black Brazilian they got, the dark Brazilian. That is worse than meth. That's what Georgie's drinks with like three fucking packs of fucking Marlboro Reds and shit. The loneliness of Paris. I can't. But this is the best news ever. Yeah, nobody fucking knew. It was the grand. When was National D donut Day? Two days ago. I was in Chicago.

I didn't eat nothing. But, uh, no, Yum Yum is a fucked up day. We went to Mealy. Oh, my God, that's so fun. Fucked up. Wasn't I at the ice house? And they're like, she's in the back. I'm doing 90.

They couldn't figure out what my rush was. And I hit the left on Magnolia. And they're like, why are you taking it? I didn't even miss the tour. They didn't even fucking know. And I pulled into Yum Yum. She said, oh, like the both of them went, like, they were like I was taking them to a horror movie. And it's like dark and it's lights in there.

Like, when you walk into Yum Yum donuts, if you're a little high, tell me it doesn't seem like the fucking Twilight Zone. Because there's a thousand lights. Even then when there's a call up there, it's terrifying. Who was? We were. No, yeah. Oh, we were. We got to start an open mic at Yum Yum's on Monday nights at 10 after we get out of here.

What do you think, Lee? The church opened my, just don't even tell Yum Yum Donuts. Because you can't, you don't need a microphone. You don't need no fucking microphone. What are you going to do to start talking? Yeah, just get in the corner and pull some tables together and say, we're doing a comedy show. I love donuts.

If you guys bought like a couple dozen donuts, they'd probably let you. Listen, they wouldn't give a Frenchman's fuck even if he bought a dozen. You ever going in by a dozen? They always give you like 19. Three. Those Mexicans don't fuck around. They're nice and yummy on it. Guys, if you live in the valley, what is it?

Magnolia and Colfax. Yeah. Oh, they're everywhere. Across my foot. No, no. No, that's a good one. That's a good one. Oh, yeah.

Go to that Oxnard one. It's by the high school. Go to the Oxnard one. That Oxnard one is kind of bad. You had it too? Yeah. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. That one right there by the high school, they don't fuck around.

And the place next to it ain't bad either, guys. That little cheese steak place. That little cheese steak place. That fucking place ain't bad there. I always wanted to try that place. Me and my wife used to walk around the neighbor. We moved here, and we walked in there when they got the burger. It wasn't bad.

And they have a special, like, $5.99. I don't know. Sometimes when I get high, I like go on Yelp and I search, like, cheeseburgers and stuff. So I just saw it on Yelp one night. And what they say about it? They said, that's decent. Yeah, it's not bad, but it's a high school one. They gotta be good at, unless the kids get malaria and everybody pukes and shit.

Look at these. Fucked up. He's so adorable. You want another star? No. Some other people have to do that. What's that? Going yoke when you're high and just look at good food.

Just look for y'all. Yeah, when you're on a day. That's what you do in the morning's cock suck, and you should be out getting sun, you're fucked. You're like a vampire Jew. There's no Jews to the vampires. You're the only fucking one. Look at you. Speaking of food

You know there's a Grimaldi's down in By the airport I heard something like that And I had heard that rumor and I was like Is that right? Because I always get Grimaldi's confused With the other one from Chicago So I just thought they were wrong

What's the one you went to with the paula With the peppers and the fucking Portillos Partillos So I just thought that they were saying the wrong word There's a portillos And there's a portillos in orange And there's a Grimaldi's down in

Like Hermosa Beach or some Redondo Torrance Somewhere down there South Bay I had never had like the Italian beef sandwich before. I'm fucking was it, Louie. Oh, it just melts. And if you get the Italian beef with the sausage in the middle and dip that too.

You put sausage in the sandwich? That's how they do it, half and half. Oh, that's a fucking heart attack. Dog, when you put that in my fort, what's the name of? My Fitness tracker. The fat content, though. I remember you. One of my favorite Uncle Joey quotes is, you looked at me and you go, if we're going to get fat,

we're going to get fat off the good stuff. And I think about that all the time. I've been telling me for 20 years. He don't want to believe me. He wants to go eat shit food and then get pissed off. And I tell him it's not worth putting in your body. Right. I'll eat something healthy.

And exercise in garbage. Like, I stopped eating Chinese. I had to stop. It was an insult to my fucking moral fiber. Yeah. It was a fucking insult. Every time I walked in there, the egg rose shot. They don't know how to do it.

No, and they're nice people. Or the green apple. They're the nicest people in the world. The filet mignon, the Chinese style filet mignon is to die for. But I had to stop fucking going in there. That's what's killed. I lost 23 pounds because I stopped eating garbage anymore. Yeah.

I had to stop. I had a fucking stop eating all those rest. You know, it's just, the, to go food is terrible. It'll fucking kill you. Yeah, and, you know, in this city, I think it's not good. So if it doesn't taste good on top of it, I'm like, forget it. Oh, my God, Denver, I went to this place called Sam's. Did you have the chili Riaños?

Tell Lee about this. Oh, my God. That's the first, motherfucker I called because it said divers, drives, and. Divers, drives, and dives, and it's right across from the hotel. And I went, I ate every meal. there. Lee, I was here for two weeks. I was there for three days, and I

ate meals in three days. I got up at five the one morning, just to cast the breakfast before radio. Lee, you open up with a cup of green chili, because that's why I did a couple green chili with one tortilla. They're like a thousand fucking grams of carbohydrates tortillas. Oh, don't tell me that.

Yeah, I didn't know. I would take three of them and dip them in there, and I went up to my room, put it in fucking whatever, and I'm like, I'm over the fucking carb limit. So for dinner, I was going there, I was getting the six ounce sirloin and I would eat half a baked potato and the mixed vegetables and I wouldn't eat the bun the fucking butter in the bun delicious I eat a six ounce sirloin all fucking three nights at Sam's that's good breakfast all three mornings at Sam's with the cup of green chili I wouldn't eat the potatoes I only one piece of wheat bread with the two eggs that's beautiful it was the bacon was fucking delicious Lee what do we spend for food tell Lee breakfast ready the number four That's what that is. Two eggs, home fries, two pieces of toast, and coffee.

Number four, it's $4.49. You know what my breakfast was every day except Saturday? It was $13. It was $9.80 every day. And that was for a cup of green chili, two eggs, four strips of fucking country bacon, a pile of potatoes, great wheat bread when they fucking put the wet butter on it, and it soaks into your bread. So by the time you get it, the fucking yolk just stays on that bread.

Are you fucking kidding me? I was going in there for dinner, People are still having breakfast. Tell Lee about the motherfucking smothered burrito what it looks like. I kept dreaming about getting the ground beef. He called me. He called me. I'm scared to get it. Dog, I can't.

I work hard, dog. I'm trying to get under 300. And then we could gamble. For right now, I can't. It's tough. Every pound, you work for every mile at 50. I work for every fucking. It's like football, the longest yard.

You work for every fucking yard. I'm working for every fucking yard. So I don't have to, I mean, there's times I had a, I had a miller. We split a cheesecake. I gained four fucking pounds in Vegas. Yeah, I just got off the road. I was eating garbage, and I had a pair of jeans, and I went, son of a bitch. They just didn't fit right last night.

I looked like sausage. I get fat when I eat water. When I drink water now, I gain a fucking pound. So it's just, it's just you got to watch, you know, for me, for you guys, were trying to do that, that fucking burrito there is just phenomenal looking. The green chili, the cup was 258 calories, not too many carbs. That's so healthy for you. Oh, my God.

It's all protein and fiber and all delicious. stuff. Your fucking sinuses. The green chili there, I'm more of, like, out here in California, I do the red, red sauce. In Denver, the green is amazing. No, it's not like the shit.

Yeah, it's a different thing. Listen, New Mexico, Colorado, and I think Tucson cooked that same. Then you get to Texas and it's called Tex-Mex. So, so good. So there's three or four different styles of Mexican cooking and shit like that. So good.

This is a great podcast today. I like, I enjoyed the topics we spoke about. So happy. Just you being here on a Monday night is always great. I was trying to get you like three weeks ago. I had somebody scheduled for this afternoon. I really liked the guy. But my Monday nights have to be a comic.

I want them to have a fucking morning to go, wow, that was a great podcast. Lee was high. Thursday, we'll do a thing about Systema. He's a great guy. I'm going to have the guy that just a kid friend of mine, Eric Medina. He used to date a friend of mine, Bonnie, and he opened up a... You going to Jiu-Jitsu tomorrow night? If I can with this thing, I guess.

Yeah, you're going. Forget about the eye. Don't even blame the eye, and we'll put a patch on you. Make sure you go. He went to Jiu-Zitsu. That's great. I'm very proud of me. He has no idea.

Because I tried to explain to him. I go, Lee, you hang out with me and Steve Simone. You hang out, you hang out with 240, 50-year-old guys. And then now he gets to the Agostina once a month. Yeah. I go, beside that, you're sitting there house with fucking Paula. I go, go hang out with some 25-year-olds. Yeah, it's true.

Get off that fucking treadmill, that treadmill, that treadmill that gives you that iron perfection all the fucking time because you're touching it and you go home and don't wash your fucking little jufe fingers and you give yourself the on punch his pilot eye that's what that is a punch of Lee it's gotten bigger since you've been here so you gotta go call Paul and tell you're coming over to put the pepper on your fucking eye you fucking eye you fucking I'm fucking I'm fucking and it's fucking and his mother-in-law said I'll put a pepper in your eye the Mexican stuff the remedies and he wouldn't do it he was scared of the pepper that's kind of work that shit works no it now he didn't do it he didn't do it he didn't do it he didn't Do it. I got mad at him. I go, that's your mother-in-law. She's not going to do it so many-in-doubt. One in doubt, listen to an older woman. They know everything. She loves you.

She's not going to burn your eyes. She loves you. Call Paula. Tell her you're headed over that tonight. You're watched by a... Tell her you're going to stop and get yum-yam donuts for them. I told that I was going to do it tomorrow. And you're going to get platonitos. You can't do it tomorrow. You got to do it tonight, Lee. Tomorrow you're going to wake up with, you know... It's going to be shut. You're going to look like Rocky. Yeah. Something. You're doing something with your eye. You're looking good, you know. Jiu-Jitsu is good for you. Even if you don't like it, something differently.

You've got to go mingle with kids your fucking age. You're going to be the oldest fucking 26-year-old ever. You want to be the oldest 26-year-old? That's why I give you the mushrooms and shit to loosen you up. If not, he'd be all wired, sopranoed up, shooting people, calling niggers. What the fuck? You know what I'm saying? That's why I love this fucking kid.

I love him with all my heart, but look at him. We're going to go to Boston, but the plane tickets are seven-five. fucking 50 base. Fucking plane tickets. They're fucking America. The airlines. Fucking America. This is what I don't understand no more.

What do you got going on? Talk to me. What's the next move for either the great CD, you know, you're doing this stuff for Gabriel. Like I told you, you're pointing in the right direction. I know that you get frustrated. Yeah.

You get frustrated every 90 days. You want to go home and work in your brother's dental clinic and make fucking braces for 13-year-olds and shit. But you're invested now. You can't go nowhere. It's only going to get better. That's what these young comics... You told me.

Get the CD. You helped me a lot, because I used to be a prisoner of perfection, I call it. If it wasn't perfect, because it was fear. It's a form of fear. It's fear. And you go, if it's not perfect, I don't want to do anything. I'm not going to Jiu-Jitsu until I get in shape. That's what Jiu-Jitsu is.

Go to J-Jitsu. You're getting shape. Nobody's going to laugh at you. Right. You're going to do great. It's like anything else. Everybody's always preparing. for the thing.

Right, just go out and live. So then I put as soon as the CD came out now, I'm looking, I'm going, I'm making a living. I don't know how it's coming in. It's never, and it's taught me how to live. I don't live in the future anymore. But I go, you know what? The phone rings.

I get a gig. And it works out. So that's it. I've been busy, been around the world twice. You don't need to question nothing. All you need to do is get up every Monday and keep doing what you do. doing. I got this the other day

and I really wanted to talk to people about this and it sounds kind of stupid and gay but let's just discuss this real quick. I got this off for Google and it was 16 things that people do on a Monday successful things that people do on a Monday. I've been doing 11 of them.

Just naturally, me and Lee have always discussed this yet. Get up early. That's why I don't want to fucking fly. There's no comedy club that's worth for me to fly Monday. Monday you have to be ready to go. Not, and that's why I tell Lee, again, Lee and I got

into it about a year ago, I go, Lee, you have to be at work Monday, got to fly back Saturday. Yeah, but I don't give a fuck. You got a fly back Saturday. That's it. Get rid of your guest. You need that day to bounce back. You cannot get in an 11 and do a job at 8 in the fucking morning. You cannot. It's a fucking shitty job. It's anybody.

It's not just, it's anybody. You got to get up early. I don't give a fuck what they tell you. You get back, you have to take a vacation from the fucking vacation. Absolutely. All right. Exercise on a Monday. this is the one I have healthy breakfast. You know, that Monday, that starts your week. You know, work, you got to be that eight.

I have to be that till eight. There's going to be trapped. Then get there. Arrived early. Whatever you got to do, make it a point. Monday. Just Monday. Yeah.

I don't give a fuck what you do Tuesday. You know, greet the team. Good morning. Everybody you talk to it. When you wake up in the morning, if you don't say I love you in the morning, first fucking thing, it ain't going to work out for you, man. That's true. You know, I was thinking about that book, The Warrior.

Remember years ago, there was a big thing. people getting involved with some book that creative unleash your creator oh the warrior spirit yeah I remember that the big thing about them

is they tell you when you wake up in the morning is to write just get up you don't have to be a comic or fucking anybody because when you get up what's the first thing you do go to the bathroom how bad does it smell the pee pretty bad okay now if you have your first cup of coffee

what happens in bowl of cereal take your shit okay so if you if you everything has waste what about your mind what about the shit you saw the day before that you dreamt about now it's in your mind that you might wake up a little fucked up over so you know what if you usually get up a 7.30 because you got to be at work of eight you're a fucking loser get up at 645 get that cup of coffee that 7 you sit down and relax and write out what you woke up with right every morning why do I always wake up with a song in my head every morning

that's a song track that's a song that's a song you on track of my fucking day. But when I wake up and I'm going to, I'll show you the notebook. What I write, my penmanship's off. Yeah. My words are off. My spelling is off. You know, I go from talking about comedy to talking about lees.

You're just losing the tubes out. You clean the tubes. Two pages. Don't get up. Don't fucking get up. I'm buying a notebook on my way home tonight. Don't get up. I look at that thing.

It's like getting home. It's like drinking and trying to write jokes. And you wake up the next morning and look at them. It's reversed. It's your mind's waste in the morning. Just sit there. That's 15 minutes. You're going to be so much fucking better person.

Your work, you're going to be filled. You ever write a lot and have to go on stage that night like when you write your script? You're not writing comedy. You're writing your script. Go on stage and see what happens to you that night. You will bring down the fucking, because you're still writing. It doesn't have to be comedy.

You do better when you don't write comedy and get on stage. But you write something. You write a chapter in your book. You write your bio. Whatever the fuck you read. Right. It's going to everything, you know, I remember going to karate once a week. I was 400 pounds. I was snort and blow. And I saw it on the jeer. And I told him, I looked him in the face and I said, I'm really sorry about not going to class.

He goes, I go home with my traveling. I made a bunch of excuses. He goes, if you go once a week, it's going to help you. Once a week, because everybody knows that if you go once, you're going to go twice. You're going to go twice. Better habits, better decisions. What I tell Lee about you just like, Lee, you're only going to go on Tuesdays. And we're going to go on Tuesdays until one day you go You know what man

I'm sick and tired of not I'm figuring this side I'm gonna go to day class today And that's when you just No he ain't going nowhere now Look at him he's sitting there like a dunce He's sitting there like one of Jerry's kids staring out into fucking space

Thinking when they're gonna let them out of this cage What did you give me before the podcast? Then you didn't give me your fucking Jumoke You look at yeah I love you I'd be dollar 911 on you Where we going for donuts tonight? Sure You go for a couple fucking

Yum Yum Today? Always. All right, so where are you at the next couple weeks? Talk to. I'm in town. I'm finally in town. And where you're at this summer? What class are going to?

June 30th, I'm doing a podcast show down at Nerdmelt on sunset. Hopefully the special guest will be Roddy Piper. Okay. There's a sponsor that's going to do a pizza party. They're like, let's throw a little kid birthday party for grownups, good times. So I was like, you know what? It's going to be a party. I'm going to have the party starter, but Terran Carter.

Open up the show. I'll go out, do like five minutes. Thank everybody for being there. What is this? Tuesday, June 30th. If you're into... Oh, that'll be the best. It's free pizza and Lee will definitely be there.

Oh, it's going to be great. And then, so that's... I'm really looking forward to that. And then I'm going to do Loyola Comedy Story the 10th on the 11th. And then depending on the plane tickets, I'll probably be at Killiam and Philly the week after that with Steve Byrne. And then Toronto in August. And that's my summer. I have a hundred pages of a family,

friendly feature comedy that I God willing next three weeks I'll have a the time to look it over and get it good and send it out and see what happens From your eyes from your eyes Close your eyes for five minutes. I want you to think about When we were on the road with what's his name? What year was that? 2002? Maybe 2003? How broke you and I were? Oh God The shape I was in I remember you and Dice trying to get me to the gym. I was about to die. It was pale Yeah, you know? I don't know That was a long time ago, Simone.

So I think that first time might have been 2001. That was a long time ago, Simone. Me, you, Bobby Lee, Jim Norman. My God. That was a long time ago. That was even a little before Opie and Anthony. He was just doing spots. Yeah, he wasn't on Opian, Anthony.

No. Sure. If you close your eyes and you think about that, this journey is that much better. Just the fact that we're still fucking Goombaz. To me, that's everything. Everything, just the fact that we're still in this fucking game, whether we're broke, poor, depressed, we're still here. Yes.

You know how many people have gotten up and left already? Sure. Left. Said, you know what? Yeah. Oh, it's for fags. You got to be gay to be in LA. Fuck you, motherfucker.

You didn't do the work. Now you're blaming it on whatever. You didn't do the work. I think a raging bull. You never had me down, Ray. You never had me down. Just keep on getting punched and punched. And now, I got to be honest with it, I'm sorry.

I believe now. I already feel like I made it. because of my friends. It's like, this is it. Every day's a gift. I'm paying my bills. What else do do I want? I'm happy. I'm the happiest person I know. It's all blessing. Thank you for keeping us

as a family. Thank you for... I look at that picture and it's a great picture of us three. We're fucking family. And we got Arianezzi. And we got Renezzi. Renazizi's moving out this summer. I can't wait for that. Then before you know what, Ariel will be back out of him? Yeah, he's moving to Pasadena.

It's going to be great. He hasn't sold the house yet. No, we straightened that out. So you're going to live there like a doctor. God bless you. You see you all depressed when I remember? You know what? That was the final piece where not to get relit,

but I'm starting to finally learn how to trust. And like when you were talking about being on the set of the longest yard and something about you just almost didn't feel worthy to be there, I lived my life like that for too long where blessings. That's what I meant to say. Blessings would come into my life and I didn't feel. So I told God no. Yeah.

I said, no, I deserve to be in hell. And now I'm going, wait a second. I don't deserve, I deserve, I don't want to be in hell anymore. I don't want to be in hell no more. Right. So now I just go, all right, I can't, I can't control anything, really. I wake up every day. I work hard and I do all I can do, but I leave the results to God and trust.

It's all going to work out. And you know what? It always does. It always does. It always does. I sat there on the plane back from Colorado going, If you had any idea what was in my mind when I left town, when I was driving out from Boulder to Longmont to catch whatever road I had to catch to 70 West,

I don't even remember anymore. You guys have no idea what I was thinking. I mean, I just paid for gas with an extra driver's license I had. I found out that if you fill up your tank, you don't have the money, they'll say, yeah, just give you a license to come back. I had two licenses. I found them as I was leaving. I said, this is a free fill-up.

This is 800 miles. somebody. That's how I left both. Giving these people a license and leaving a $30, whatever it was that she fell up a tank then I don't fucking know. And just how I felt, how bad I felt about myself, how angry

I was at my ex-wife and the daughter. And through all that, like through all that junk, I still had enough belief to get in the Dotson B-2-10 and drive to Ogden, Utah and say, I'm never coming back after Ogden. I had like Ogden

I forget what run that was. I forget where even you end up. It doesn't matter, you know. But that Tuesday I drove to Ogden, Utah, and the first night I had a share room with the comic. Wow. I still remember one of the comics jokes. That first night.

He was a good guy from New York, and he said this joke that, oh, my God. I can't remember the fucking close it, but he used to kill. He was horrible. But he had this joke. joke about a you want to get a woman hot, wipe your dick in the curtain or something. It's a street joke.

Oh, yeah. How do you make such and such woman screen twice? You like a fucker in the ass, them wipe your dick on the curtain. I wipe your dick on the curtain. That fucking, yeah, it was a street joke. Jesus said, I thought it was fucking. Yeah, I remember the first time I heard that. I was dying.

Dying, dying. I have two jokes because I died off the bat. One I told Lee, Jesus. a bishop and a fucking some jews sitting on a park bench and Jesus walking in the Central Park and the Cardinal says, Jesus, come over. I got cancer.

You know, heal me. You're healed. And the little cardinal, what can I do for you? The priest, what can I do for you? You know, I have foot cancer. He'll me. He looks at the rabbi. He goes, what can I do for you? He goes, don't touch me. I'm on disability. That to me is one of the best jokes I ever heard. And the one with the fucking

Jesus on the mountain, with the two thieves and you know Peter Peter and Peter gets beat up and he runs up and they throw him back down and then Peter Peter and he runs up to Nazareth and they beat him up and they throw him down the hill

and he's just about to punch the ticket poor Jesus and he looks up and he goes Peter and this time will yes my lord and Peter runs up throws this guy out of way punches a Roman soldier get stabbed in the back and as he gets to Jesus goes yes my Lord he goes I can see your house from here first time I heard that fucking joke

I thought Jesus Christ, that's a fucking great joke. We'll wrap it up with that. Steve Simone, I love you. Coxuck. I love you, too. I'm home this weekend, but next weekend I'm in Wise Guys, Utah. And the week after that, I'm in fucking laugh, Boston, bitches. Both

places have tickets available for you. I want to give a shout out to my sponsors. On it, you know, I'm blue in the fucking face with this shit already. Today I went to Jiu-Jitsu. I dropped two of those fucking shroom texts. I was sweating profusiness. I went to J-J-2. I had a quarter of

10 and I walked out at 1130 my underwear were fucking I had to take my underwear up. Wow. My new, my Miondi's. The sweat from my back and the fucking ghee, it was brutalized. But you know what, man? I did a good classic until I was just me and him.

We rolled like three, five minutes sets, so that's way beyond I've never done. And I credit it to Shuntak. That's how good this product is. Even he can ask me last week, he goes, your cardio has improved. Yeah, the 20 pounds has helped to take it off me. but you know what I've been going to the treadmill

but every all that shit I do because of the recovery progress that honor gives me whether it's the new mood the shroom tech the alpha brain this shit will work this shit do they still make that hemp protein you gave me yes that stuff was delicious the chocolate and I'm telling you

I felt stronger I felt like more the fucking chocolate it's not the it's not the it's not the way protein it's plant protein it doesn't make you feel like right you digestive shit a lot more.

It's weird. When I don't do the protein, when I don't do the protein for a few days, the weight protein, it clogs me up. The shit that's clogged up in there. But the organic, that, the hemp force, delicious, delicious. I think I might have one in the house. Follow me home. That would be great.

I may have one in the house. So do me a favor. You heard it here from the fucking horses now. On it. Go to honor.com right now and press in. Church. And get 10% off your first fucking order, okay? You're going to love this stuff.

There's 100% money-back guarantee on the Alpha Brum. you don't even have to return the product. What does that tell you? When somebody believes in their flagship that much, you can't fuck around with them. Go to honor.com right now. They also have to stay on the program where it gets mailed to your house

on the first every month. You don't have to worry about nothing. Also, who's on today? I'm too fucking high. Oh shit. I went to the wrong fucking page. That's why. What is wrong with me?

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You got Iron Dragon TV. You got Hiddy Sigs. You got Los Gumi Cermanos, aka Nailed a Life, and you got Anad. Steve Simone, who's better than you? I love you. I love you to them. It's fucked up as a can of worms. That's why I love this business.

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maybe panning on the market. me cause I'm close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head. It's like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep them going under. Standing on the front stoop hanging out the window, watching all the cars go by roaring as the pieces blow. Crazy lady living in a bag,

eating out of garbage, peels used to be a fag, such a dance to tango, skip the life entangu. A zook on print. It seemed to lost a sense. Down at the peep show, watching all the creeps. So she can tell her stories to the girls back home. She went to the city and got so, so, so did it?

She had to get a pet. She couldn't make it on her own. Don't push me, because I'm close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head. It's like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep them going under. It's like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep them going under.

My brother's doing best on my mother's TV. She watches too much. not healthy. All my children in the daytime, Dallas a night, can't even see the game or the sugar ray fight. The bill collectors that ring my phone and scare my wife when I'm not home. Got a blunt education, double-digit inflation, can't take the train to the job. There's a strike at the station. Knee on King Kong standing on my back can't stop to turn around. Broke my sacrilyleiac. A mid-range migraine, cancer membrane. Sometimes I think I'm on insane. I swear I might hijack a plane. Don't push me. Call. I'm close to the edge.

Trying not to lose my head. It's like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep from going under. It's like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep from going under. My son said, Daddy, I don't want to go to school because the teacher's a jerk. He must think him a fool.

And all the kids smoke reefer. I think it'd be cheaper. If I just got a job, learn to be a street stripper. I dance to the beach, shut up for my feet, wear a shirt and tie and run with the creeps. Because it's all about money. funny. You got to have a con in this land of milking honey. They pushed that girl in front of the train, took it to the doctor, sold her arm on the game.

Stab that man right in his heart, gave him a transplant for a brand new start. I can't walk through the park because it's crazy after dark. Keep my hand on my gun because they got me on the run. I feel like an outlaw, broke my last last jaw. Hear them say, you want some more living on a seesaw. Don't push me, cause, um, close to the edge. I'm trying not to lose my head. Say what?

It's like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep him going under. It's like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep him going under. A child is born with no state of mind, blind to the ways of mankind. God is smiling on you, but he's frowning too because only God knows what you'll go through.

You'll grow in the ghetto living second rain, and your eyes will sing a song because the hate. The places you play and play, where you stay looks like one great big alleyway. You'll admire all the number book takers, thugs, pimps and pushers in the big money makers. Dropping big cars, spend the 20s and tens, and you wanna grow up to be just like them.

Smugglers, scrammlers, burglars, gamblers, pick pocket peddlers, even panhandlers. You say, I'm cool, I'm no fool, but then you wind up dropping out of high school. Now you're unemployed, all non-void, walking around like your pretty boy Floyd, turn stick up kids, but look what you done did. Got sent up for an eight-year bid.

Now your manhood is took, and you're a May tax. Been the next two years as an undercover fag being used in the views to serve like hell to one day you was found hung dead in the cell. It was plain to see that your life was lost. You was cold and your body swung back and far. But now your eyes sing the sad, sad song, how you live so fast and die so young. So don't push me because I'm close to the edge.

I'm trying not to lose my head. my head. It's like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep them going under. It's like a jungle sometimes. It makes me wonder how I keep them going under. Yo, Mel, you see that girl, man? Yeah, man.

Yo, that sound like cowboy, man. You know, what's up, money? Ow, we're in Wheeling Rahim, man. I think they up's dance cooling up. So what's up for the night, y'all? Yo, we can go down the field, man. Check out you know that girl, Betty. Yeah, man.

Come on, John Ball, man. What? Yeah. What happened? What is it? We down with Graham and after flash and a few and the fire. We're out. Oh, so, what's the problem?