The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #291 - Darren Carter

Episode Date: June 16, 2015

Darren Carter, Comedian seen on The Tonight Show and Comedy Central, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. Iron Dragon TV. A New Roku channel with all the best martial arts films. Use Code word joey for two free rentals. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 06/15/15 Music:  Going The Distance - Cak  Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet She Talks To Angels - The Black Crowes

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Oh shit. Monday. June 15th were halfway there, cock's suckers. The church. He go what? We ain't fucking around tonight, cock's up. The stars of death are back. Leastard is back.

The flags go down. B.C. Derek Carter's in the house That's what it's all about Going the distance Cocksuckers. We're here Monday night June 15th welcoming you to the church What's happening now? Lysayette

What's the story? Watching oranges in the new black You got pissed off at me about that for some reason You don't like oranges is the new black No no no I don't mind Orange is a New Black This is what I mind that You're a type of guy that you're a hustler

You know you're on the podcast A couple months ago and you needed some Gitas and I don't understand how you can sit there and watch nine episodes of a TV show on a Friday. That's true. It's Paula's Day Off. That don't mean it's your motherfucking day off. You know, and I just don't see it. You want to watch two episodes of move on with your life.

And you giggle, like, you know, like a half a fag. But you're the guy that was on the podcast, you know. That's true. A grand light for taxes. And I wouldn't fucking have time to sit there if I knew I owed that kind of money. I'm out making at least a guaranteed. nickel. At least something. You know, this guy, listen,

when I tell those stories, I did what I had to do. When I moved in with Terry, I never want to let it down, so I did what I had to do. So that's why you heard the story about me. You selling Coke to Whitney. He was, I'm the type of motherfucker. You got to do what you got to do every day to bust it down. I understand it's Paula's days old. I got nothing to do with you.

You got to tell it. Listen, I'll pick you up at five. I got a motherfuckering work to do. You always got something to do when you're an independent contractor. That's true. No, that's... And you're right. And this is what I was saying to you a day. I love you to death, but you can't come up here and say you need Guitas and then sit there all day and fang your pussy. The weekend

before she was sick. You're sick. You ain't no RN. Home. If you ain't sucking dick, I don't want you around. Home. Right or wrong? That's the truth. What we're going to talk about? You're sick. You got work to do. You're 25. You're not 52. This is why I said to you to go hang out with those young guys at Jiu-Jitsu because they're the same mindset. You don't have time to sit around on a fucking Friday when you're

26 years old. She does. Get her some roller skates and tell her skate Sherman Oaks and come back and forth and get some son. You know, this is me. This is America today that everybody wants, but you've got time to watch nine fucking, let's say

it's 45 minutes apiece. How much money could you have made in seven hours? Now, I'm not... No, no, no. And the thing is, you're absolutely right. You know what I'm saying? And I have been getting, like today I had to write a description for something I'm trying to do, and it's just I was thinking about that as I was doing it.

You always got to remember one thing. Women want, you to take them out. Women want pretty things, but you're in a you're in a fucking whatever because someone who wants this, but then they don't want you to go to work. Like sit here with, I ain't got time to fucking sit there with you. You know, I love smoking dope. But since day one, I always said to myself, I'll smoke dope, but I can't sit here because there's always something

you could be doing. Always. Sunday, you know, and I always tell people, the TV is after you make your yardstick. after you get your paper or you send your 50 emails or you write that bit whatever the fuck it is that you do there's always something that can be done clean the bathroom

something there's always something whenever I'm watching TV 30 minutes in I'm like there's something I can be doing right but that must not that it hurts you but it must fuck with you a little bit always since I was 20 I don't understand how Nintendo I've never sat down for Nintendo because every time I sit down for Nintendo

I'm going like this. There's somebody night right now, my mind that's walking with $50 in their pocket, and they're dying to give it to you. They're just looking for an idiot to swammed out of their pocket. Right. Every day. Every day.

My work begins on Sunday night at 5 o'clock. Every week. Every week I go home. And, you know, you talk to somebody and you go, well, you live a boring life, Joey. No. I live a life that we're chasing at his comics. How many times comics come up to you, Darren Carter?

Oh, you go on the road. You're lucky. No, I'm not fucking lucky. I'm not fucking lucky. I did the fucking steps, and I applied myself. And these are the fruits of my labor. Exactly. These are the fruits of my labor.

Everybody in this country is unemployed. You know what? I saw an ad the other day, $15,000 the summer for Uber, which, you know, you're taking money out of the cab drop, but it's always something to do. When you're young, when I was 26, I didn't understand the concept of, I didn't even watch you, I didn't even know. I remember watching the World Series in 87 going, oh, my God. This is the first, the year I got arrested right before that, when the World Series, like I got arrested that. Oh, October, yeah.

I was saying to myself, this is the first time I've watched baseball. Because to me it was a discipline. Yeah. It's more of a discipline. It's like when your mom, when you got sick, you didn't go to play. Nobody goes to play. Nobody goes to play when you're sick. You're sick.

You stay home and mind your own fucking business. I'll do what I got to do, and then I'll pick you up there and bring your chicken suit. That's the discipline. You understand? You know, when you get here, everybody wants to go to Hollywood parties. And they come to you and say their career isn't happening. Well, you're at Hollywood parties. I'm at the comedy store, waiting for a spot, getting bumped for four hours from Eddie Griffin.

You understand me? That's the other side of the coin that these people don't see. We were talking about a story that you went to a hotel and you checked in and you had to go to the 18th fucking floor. This is work. People think that we just get on a plane, ha, ha, ha, ha, and I eat edibles? No, my work week starts fucking so. Last night I got up at 3 in the morning, and I turned the TV on, and it was like some shit on L.A. I remember going in, my wife's like, every time you wake up, you walk in and out.

Yeah, because I got to get my glasses, my notebook, and you go out there and you make a fucking couple notes. She'll come out in the middle of the night and go, are you fucking serious? Yeah, it's quiet. This is the only time I got to write this shit out. That's right. So this is. Well, Darren's always out. I always see him on Facebook.

Yeah, every fucking night. Every fucking night. Comedy story. Dean Delray. Yeah. I applaud them. Who's the fucking old. guy, Frasier Smith.

Yes. With a suit. 50 years old. You think my whiny ass could go out seven nights a week? Is that what you think? I can't handle it no more. I can't sleep. Right.

Because I got up at six. Yeah. So four or five nights in the row, I'm walking around like a fucking zonbo. I'm no good to anybody. But I want you to know. I love you. No, no. And you're completely right.

It's just, but when I was thinking, when I said that, it's, do you think that you not relaxing sometimes hurts you? Like, do you think you could, like, it would be good for you? You relax when you're in that. fucking hole, man. Everybody has a goal, but everybody got time to go on vacation. You know, in two down, down until 2006,

I was the guy that got the calls every week. Oh, you're lucky. You were in Spider-Man, too. What were you in January? We went home for the holiday. Okay. January 4th. I know. I have friends that want to be comedians, and then I'm like, do, hey, come with me on Saturday, you'll do a guest set and I'm like, oh, I got to go to a

birthday party. Are you fucking, a birthday party? Are you fucking kidding me? This is, so, I don't, I think, One of the biggest arguments I ever got into about this, and God bless us. So I loved the deal. It was Maryland. Because they would call me in wine.

They don't have this. They don't have this. They don't have this. And then they say, how lucky you are. And I go, where were you Sunday night? When I stay at home, I'm not going to go to the comedy store. They won't put me up on. What were you Monday night?

I was at Jay Davis's bombing and at the Laugh factory bombing. Where were you? Well, my foot hurt. Where were you Tuesday? It's all about, and when you're an independent conscience, You cannot fall behind. I'm an independent contractor. I tell people every week on the first of the month, we're all equal.

Listen, broke. We got to start from scratch. And you got to look at your book. You ever look at your book and go, it ain't nothing on this fucking book. And what do you do? You start emailing people. You start licking some envelopes, sending out some headshots.

Hey, man, how's your podcast going? How's this going? you know, whatever. And all of a sudden, you're generating. You're putting shit into the energy. You know, DiAgostino's a phone salesman. Yeah. And I told him, Diagistino, if you stick with this, you're going to make a ton of loot.

He's starting to make loot over that. It's five hours a day. He's pulling down $21 an hour. Wow. Because he hits the bone. I told him, everybody's going to go there in America. Everybody's going to go there. They're going to give it three weeks.

Right. I didn't make enough money. And they go right back to what they're doing again. The smart people, and I wasn't one of the smart people. That's why I'm saying this. The smart people shut their fucking mouth and sit there and make the calls and you'll see Darren Carter disappear

and Lee Syatt disappear. And you know what these guys do when they leave? They go over and they take your bundle of papers that you've already called and you've twisted the label off. You quit before you were supposed to call them back and go, hey, where's my money? And that's what the Agosteen.

He goes, oh my God, every day people quit. I take their paperwork and I make three sales. You already made 100 calls gave up. They give up before the miracle happens. You know, they fucking give up. I saw this cartoon. It was great. It showed like these miners digging. Oh, yeah.

You saw that one? I showed that to Steve Simone. I think he reposted it. I mean, we both connected on that. And the one guy, he, you know, he was like, right of you just would have kept going like another three inches. All the jewels, everything you wanted was like right there. Right there. And it's like, and that's, I think that's what drives. Especially, like you said, you just can't,

no offense, but you know what I mean? Like, if we were comedians. No, he's my brother. And I have a child. And I've been busting his balls all week at about it. I was going to say some people are like, yeah, you can't quit, but then if you're like, you know, watching, you know, binge watching nine hours of a... Lee's Jewish. Yeah.

Lee on Friday should have been on Sherman Oak Boulevard with a string connected to a fucking one of those sprinklers. And another string in his car. So somebody would trip. You get out of the car. You drive him to the hospital. You have the attorney on speed dial. This I got an attorney right here is Jewish. And the whole way you make 10 percent.

You drive them to the fucking... You go to those Armenians, you go to those Russians and go, look, you know what I do for a living? I pick people up who fall down, okay? I'm going to bring them to you. You're going to hit them with a bill, and I get 10% off the top. And you collect all the way through, the Armenians, the insurance, and the people. Listen, I take you right to the airport. I took care of you.

You were fucking lying there crying. At least give me 10 points for the fruits of my labor, a little gas money, a little, let me wet my beak. And the next thing you know, you're making 30% a day. You're not going to get paid right away. But in a year from now, who's going to have more money on Lees Ayat? You're going to be connected to every attorney. He's going to be giving you back. That's what Jews do.

Jews create shit. Can you imagine that tying a string around a water sprinkler to your car and people trip over? Are you? That's a Jew mind. That's hilarious. You think that guy is worried about the pink or the red is the new black? He don't give a fuck. He's looking for people to trip and fall.

He knows there's six people for. He's taking three of those. he's 50% he's bad at 50% for the day. Jews work on percentages. They're geniuses. No, sister.

You always told me to call companies. I have no idea. You told me to call companies? This is what Jews do. I grew up with hard-hitting Jesus killing Jews. That's what they do.

That's what they do. And I ain't mad at them. Because if these guys started a school on how to make a living, this country would everybody would be working. Everybody would be fucking halfway rich. Because these guys are relentless. relentless can you imagine the tying the string and waiting there you know eight people gonna fall you're in for four of them you think people really do that they do huh go i used to hang out with sye lawrence this is what he did he made a living fucking falling and setting people up in in supermarkets buses he loved buses when a bus where he would get a car to go up next to the bus and cut it off so the bus will we go are you fucking kidding me guys this is old you mind this is how

you make a living. You get 10 of those guys in two weeks. Let's say each of them get 30,000. You get 10%. 3 grand. You got 10 guys falling for you every other week. Yeah, but I'd be the asshole who did it once and did it an undercover cop or something. No! No, fuck the cops. They fall too. You always

looking for a fucking 10% of. Darren Carter, talk to me. Can you imagine if you did that? You did the string, someone falls and then they want to fight you? You're like... Oh, absolutely. You dip the... You go to pickle juice? Yeah. And you drop it in the supermarket. Pickle juice is slippery as far. They know it.

And before somebody could say, clean up on aisle four, this is how you do it. So you would go in, you'd take the pickle juice, drop it, and Lee would be on the corner. And it would have to, like, Lee would walk down, and you would walk down. As soon as you told the lady, hey, somebody dropped the pickle juice in an aisle four, you'd hear, whips, blah, blah, pa. And there you go. By the time they said, clean up aisle four, before they could even get there with the mop, Lee slips, he falls. Now we call 911. Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I can get it. Oh, no. Oh my God, what's my name? Right there. What's my name? That's my name. What's my name? You were told me to say, did I pass out?

Did I pass out? Every word. That's a beauty. Did I pass out? That's it. What year is this? And all of a sudden, they take it to the hospital. You go to the hospital.

They say they want to take it. They haven't found nothing, but you got headaches. So they keep you overnight. You're just picking up bills. My back hurts. Let me get a pillow. I hurt my ankle. You're just getting bills, guys.

You just let me get a citizen. Let me get a band. You know what they charge you for a Band-Day? Mom money. You know what they charge you for a band-day in the hospital? Eight bucks for one bandit. You get ten of them. That's 80 bucks.

Don't worry about nothing. You're just clocking into your job. Your job is to draw the bills. The next day you get out, immediately you get a neck brace. You put that, that's the Jewish gold chain. There's a neck brace, okay? When you see a real Jew, he ain't got no gold chain. He got a neck brace, okay?

When you see an old-school Jew with a neck brace, you're like, that motherfucker is fucking dangerous. He puts that neck brace on. That neck brace never. who comes off. That neck brace alone is worth $100,000. I knew a guy like this. Everyone you're describing, it just came to me. It's like there was a guy

I lived in San Diego for a year. And he made most of his stuff. He made more, you didn't. Yes, he did. I did. He made most of his, this guy made most of his stuff. He goes, look at all my furniture. Look at all this day. He wanted either on game shows or weird lawsuits. Yeah. And he, at the time, at the time, he said

he was going, he was, something about ulcers. And he goes, because it doesn't say it on the Tylenol. So he wanted his suit Tylenol. And he goes, if you look on the bottle, it says nothing about ulcers. Real Jews have a turn years ago. Speed down, dog, claiming everything. I went down to service for Volkswagen.

Those Nazis didn't put oil in my fucking car. Lee, you have a thousand lawsuits. And you're sitting there like a fucking bump in a lot complaining you ate large for taxes. We got to fucking get you working. If you're going to be a Jew out of here. I had never thought of the sprinkler. Oh, my God. That's old school.

I'm telling you right now. that's Mad Max type shit. You just walk by something and be like that would be a good place to trip somewhere. Yeah. When I do it now today I would go look at it. Because there's cameras now. You'd be careful. Side Lawrence would be hitting the jackpot. Especially in California. Everything is in a pothole. Every

street's got a hole. Every time you look on a sidewalk and it's got a dent in it, your foot could get caught in there. You look at it, you come back like two hours late, you're slip and fall. You crawl a little bit so the camera catches you crawl. Like you got fucking herpes and monocleosis and

You're just crawling on one elbow and you get the camera to show you you and that's it. Guys, you go to an attorney but then you go for treatment. That's the way you get the money is when you go for treatment twice a week. Acupuncture,

fucking ease, chiropractor, genealogist, anything who will take you and bill the insurance because they're all in on the same scam. So what you're doing is going for treatment. Now, once they all say the treatment's over,

all those bills go to the insurance company. So you want $200,000 worth of bills because you get 10% of that or something. The higher the bill, that's why every time you go to, you walk into that restaurant with the neck brace on crawling, like you're an extra on fucking one of those dead shows.

Walking dead. That's where the paper is. And, dog, I know people who've had three of those lawsuits going at one time. And it's bad karma. But who's the fuck? You deal with Carmelader. What's up, D.

I fell in a hotel. Like, they had just mopped, and she had no signs, and it was a little bit of an angle or like a ramp. and I was getting ready that the guy was going to pick me up and take me to the club and I was walking real fast

and I was walking real fast and bam down to my hip hurt for like three or four days And those hotels That's 40,000 real quick They pay you out of court A Jew shows up at your house

or you'm gonna fucking check in the suitcase Like Jerry McGuire's wife Here you're doing Here you go take this Unbelievable Monday night The church of what's happening now So, Darren, you know, you've been doing comedy for how long now?

Dude, I've been, I started in 1990. Where? Probably at Fresno. I grew up in Fresno. And I started writing stuff down, like, in high school. And I was one of those kids where they were like, you should be a comedian. You know, you should be a comedian. I used to hear that a lot.

And I remember they had Career Day. And, of course, you know, there was no comedians. But I was something I always wanted to do, as long as I can, you know, can remember, probably like 12 or 13. And, you know, back then, I, I, I, I, I, you know, I was something. I got lucky. I started right away. I was on the speech and debate team. And I'd write these funny speeches. And that would turn into stand-up and we'd do our thing.

And, you know, it was easy. Back then there was this group called The Comedy Crew, and we get $25 bucks right off the bat. Like now they got like bringers and all this crap. It's like, no, no, no, not back. Is it like a comedy rap group? No, it was like a group of guys that all sucked. And this is in Fresno.

Yeah, yeah. How long did you stay in that market up there? I stayed there for about a year, just getting my legs, getting learning how to do it. And I got picked up to do comedy at Marriott's Great America. It was a theme park. They came in, they had auditions, and I got picked up, and my job was to entertain people in line for roller coasters. No way.

There was five of us. They had Stilt Walker, a guy who breathed, you know, like the Swallows Fire, and then my job was to entertain people in line for roller coasters. And it lasted about two months, and then I got fired. for what just because it sucked it was imagine just walking up to people

and trying to be funny like no microphone no speakers nothing just I thought you were talking because I've been to some amusement parks and they actually have shows sometimes but you were just walking to like a random person in line trying to make them laugh

yeah that's crazy yeah I did like 13 shows a day I did that and then opening up for like the ice skaters and you know anyway so then I hit the Bay Area scene that was my thing what year was this

that was from 90 92. Oh my God. Yeah. No, no. I mean, I lived in the Bay Area from 90 to 92. I only did that job for a couple months. No, no, no, I'm talking about those two years.

Yeah. Yeah. 90 to 92, man. You know, roommates doing the, you know, all the East Bay stuff. Tommy T's going into the punchline. You mentioned the open mic on Sundays. I used to do that. Tommy T's.

Yeah, Tomy T's. Yeah, Roster T's. And Rooster T feathers, I didn't do until I got, you know, until I headline. But back then it was run by somebody else. And it was, back then it was a little bit. harder, right? It was like a lot of engineers and they're a little bit white and up tight and that was, you know, like it was tough. I was 20, back then I was like 21. So my comedy did better at the, did you ever do the last laughs? There was one in Seattle, two San Jose, Phoenix, the last laughs. You

probably did one. No, no, no, I came, as I started, they were going out. You know, it's funny. Phoenix has six comedy clubs now. Yeah. When I started, Phoenix had five. I think they had the improv. They had the last laugh And they had a club called knucklehead I was going to say that knuckleheads Out of Minneapolis Yeah And they had something else

In Scottsdale at the time There were four clubs Phoenix was close to Colorado You know 14 hours 12 hours What else was up there at the time Knuckleheads yes Because they were threatening No

They were threatening to bring the last laughs back When I lived in Seattle in 95 The guy was lurking And he was thinking of bringing them back to Portland and Seattle, but that fell through. Yeah. I remember, I heard that, I never did the road back then as far as the last laps, I only did the San Jose ones, but they said that that guy that ran it was a real jerk. Torres or something like that? Yeah, yeah, they were fine.

Yeah, they said that he would, in the, uh, the condo, he would lock the, the air conditioner so it wouldn't go below a certain things, so people would take their blow dryers and blow it on the thermostat to get the AC to kick in. Just shit like that. Like, he, he charged you for straws. I heard like 10 cents a straw. Just weird stuff like that. You know, I, luckily I never had to do that. And then where did you go after the Bay Area? Bay Area. I was broke as a joke. It was all the money was going.

By the way, I had like a piece of shit car. It kept breaking down. I was doing these little one-nighters. You know, I did that triple run. I remember going to Denny's and making a list. Like, should I stay? Should I go? What am I going to do?

And I got a job. Craig Anton came to San Francisco. And we did this thing called the Make-Denysm. me laugh to her. You'd get in a van and go and do all these colleges all around America. Each comedian would do 20 minutes and then you'd do like an hour. So you'd be an hour of stand-up and then an hour of that stupid game show. Yeah. 20, 2020-20. What year was that? That was 92 to about 94. And in between there, I got an apartment in San Diego. So I tour for three months, come back, started the comedy store.

and then I quit that job, and then I lived in San Diego, and then I moved here in 95. May of 95, because I booked a movie, and I booked a Miller Beer commercial. Wow. Yeah, and I was a regular

at the Laugh Factor in the Comedy Store, and I'm like, it's a sign. And now the 95 is a comedy store. What's the Comedy Store like in 1995? Richard Pryor was coming in. I was hosting, like, three times a week, and I got to open for them, and I remember one time I was in those,

you know, those back chairs. and Mitzie was all the way to the right right by the doorway, and I was about four chairs in, maybe five, and I walked off stage. I sat there in the chair, and then at one point Richard Pryor's wife, she leaned over, and I thought she was going to say, like, you can't sit here, and she leaned over,

and she was like, you're very funny. And I was like, oh, wow, thank you. I mean, that just, that was like one of those little signs of validation, you know, it felt so good. Which you go home and you have explodes. Yeah, yeah. You've got the agency book. and you're like, I'm going to call CIA.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to suck my dick. Richard Pryor's eighth wife, told me that was funny, you know. But it's like all those jobs that you said were kind of crappy. They sounded like they probably helped you get good at comedy doing all those shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I mean, you know, like I said at theme park, I did so many shows per day. The college, we did, you know, all these shows at all these different cities, all these different towns.

Just, you know, and as you see Lee, you know, you see me out every night, I just, I, I'm always on go. I just go for it. No joke. Every night of my Facebook is just Darren Carter Comedy Store, Darren Carter, Laugh Factory. And you're out late too, and you're a dad. And then you're up at like 7 in the morning. Sometimes.

Yeah, I probably do that twice a week. I'm not like Joey. Joey's, he's up. You know, that's great. Yeah. And now you're here. I met you in 97 at the store with Johnny and Cardinali. Johnny Sanchez and a bunch of you guys used to hang out up there.

And I was like, I was the old, I was old. I was older than you guys, but I was the new kid on the block. Yeah, I'd see you and I'd be like, Joey, your shoes untie, Joey. Because you'd be, hey, I don't care, you know. Hey, you'd be like, I'm going to be on a bus. You'd disappear for like a month. You'd go out and do the road for a month and come back. When I came back, I saw so many holes in my game that I had to improve.

And it was like, what they tell you about when you start somewhere, that they see you at that point. And they remember you at that point. So I stayed out of the clubs, even though I was in them. And I would go on off nights, but I was always on the road because that's where you cut your teeth. At least that's what was told to me. At that time, I had no girlfriend, no nothing. My obligation was to pick up 500 bucks every week. You know, no plane ticket, sleep on buses, sleep on the fucking side of a car, whatever, whatever I could do.

You know, to make it work. I mean, this is what you're doing. You know, I had a, like I said, when I did that college tour, I had, like, no money. When I say no money, I mean, just like, that was it. I didn't have anything in the bank. Nothing. I had no money. So it was like, I have to make this work.

And so the guys, you know, a lot of people do have some, you know, like the other guy, he was a teacher. And he's like, I'm going to be a comedian. So, you know, he had some income. And so they used to laugh at me because I would keep a little calendar of like how much money I spent that day. And it would be like, oh, right, today I spent zero dollars. Or maybe I spent $2. I remember surviving off just like a jar of peanut butter and bread and an apple. And I said, because we get to the college, that's where they'll give us like sandwiches or pizza or something.

And, you know, it feels good now to have money because, you know, I'm going to get a hotel. But back then I was like, oh, we're only going to be here for like seven hours. I'll sleep in the van. Yeah, I'll sleep in the fucking van. I'll save 50 bucks to. Yeah. That was your mentality. Fuck it.

It's like six out. Well, I remember going to the, I was in New York and I had like 600 bucks. And I'm like, holy shit. I could go out on Sunday night in New York. I was in Syracuse. I took a bus all the way into Manhattan to see my buddies. And here I am on 42nd Street with 600. This is 1998.

98 and 99. There's 600 hours in 1999 to me. Lee. Do you have any fucking idea? Like 6,000? It was like 6,000. And here I am in Manhattan. I'm like, I'm going to meet my buddies.

I'm going to get some blow. I'm going to go to the bar. get a hotel room, but one of them was going to put me up. And I'm going to stay here until Wednesday or Tuesday, and I'm going to take a bus to Kennedy. In those days, I flew everything with cheap air. Cheap air was everything. So you had to get a money order and go to a certain spot in New York City

and pick up the ticket after you order. It was a fucking nightmarely to save 50 bucks on a plane ticket. So here I am. I'm flying from Kennedy to Dallas. I'm working the other room in Dallas. What's the other room in Dallas? Hyenas. Hyenas.

Which I fucking hated. Like, I had been there. No, yes, I had been there during the Latino laugh festival. Part of the festival was to do hyenas on Wednesday night with his cousin. And then drive down to San Antonio. So I had been there already. The condo was a fucking, you've been there. Yeah.

It was a nightmare. I bought groceries, and I didn't open up the bun cake, and the roaches got in. The bun cake. I didn't open it. leave. That's how fucking smart those roaches were. To make a long story short, I call for my friends. I'm with my mother. I'm not going to be available to 8 o'clock. I called another one of my friends. You know what? I'm with this.

I said, you know what? I went a deport authority. I got one of those lockers. I put my shit in there. I locked it up and I took a fucking train to 100th Street, whatever. I walked around for an hour. New York was cracking down in those days. finally I met some fucking dude who took me an alley sold me a gram a blow for 30 bucks I found a building where they still sold weed and they sold me like three tens they gave me a deal like six tens for 50 bucks

so for 80 bucks I got weed and I had a little bindle of coke guess what I did I went right back to Port Authority and there was a bus an express going from Dallas from New York to Dallas that was going to get me in a day early I called the fucking owner

and I go can I be there day early He goes, absolutely. I took that bus. I did bumps the whole way. I jerked off in my seat. You think I'm fucking kidding you. I rolled joints. I fucking went out of crap.

Everywhere it stopped, I smoked a little joint. I got cooked up for two days on that fucking bus. By the time I got to Dallas, I needed a fucking bed to sleep. I think I'm kidding you. And I ended up saving fucking. And you know what I did? I got back. I didn't do none of the drugs.

I got back to Manhattan. I got a nice steak. In those days, it was like 29. Yeah, yeah. You know, when was the last time I got a steak? I was living on Subway. cheese and veggies That's why you hate subway now

I fucking hate it I hate so many subway And I'm talking about I was a big guy And I get a foot long And eat six inches And have to look at the other one For 18 hours

Because that was your dinner Your ashtray was filled with quarters Yeah You had four joints that you looked at Like they were the Mona Lisa Because you knew once they were gone You were getting 300 to MC Yeah

Weed was $60 A bag of wheat That goes half my fucking And you don't get hired Not that. No, you know what's funny is, and also, did you ever do this? I remember I'd be in the van. I'd crank the heat and then you turn the key off and then you fall asleep and then you wake up shivering. You ever do that? We were like, it's toasty and then you're like, oh, this is good, I can survive. And then you wake up like, ha ha ha, ha, ha.

I used to drink no doze and mountain dews. I would pop eight no dose. This is when I used to have to pick up my daughter in Boulder. So I would be in Idaho doing a triple run, get off the stage. and at midnight get in my car and stop popping no doses once every 30 minutes drinking Mountain Dew smoking joints doing Sadian and the Dotson and then I have to pull over and take an app

and you have to pull over, take it up and leave the car on. When you wake up and you look, you don't know where scared is because you think you fell asleep behind the wheel. You have no idea of sleeping at rest spots. I used to try to sleep in places that were like lit, like hotel.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like in and out, Burger Parking Law, something like that, where there's people going in and out. You know, like, it's bright and there's traffic. The rest areas seem kind of creepy. I made a mistake. I'm not a picture taker. I never thought I'd be here, Lee, and I never thought I'd be here. I made 80 mistakes in this career.

And if you're a young comic and you start going on the road, I want you to do me a favor. Take pictures of all those people that took care of you at hotels. There were certain people that I don't know what their names are that I wish I could send. them all, 100 bucks when they invested them in me. There was a guy in Detroit that I got to a hotel one night and I was a day early and I got there and I go, listen man,

can I use your bathroom? You know, and he's like, yeah, go ahead and I used it and you have a vending machine. Yeah, I got some sodas and some chips. And in those days I'd just go on my car. There was no computer. There was no Netflix in your car. You just sat there and you couldn't put the light

on because the battery, you just sat there and parked under a light until the security guy from the hotel would come over and say, hey man, you're staying here now. You got to move it. I ain't bothering nobody, dog. And that's one guy, this guy was a security. And he goes, what are you doing here? I go, I'm playing joys. And he's like, listen, do me a favor, man. Just chill over here.

Let me see if I could find your place. I'm serious. I had so many people that helped me. I remember one time being in Michigan in the back of a restaurant talking to this guy and him going, you're just going to sit in your car. He goes, walk with me down. And I thought it was getting mugged.

and I went to a blues bar with him on a Monday night, a black blues club on the bad side of Detroit. I had a blast. I did blow. I met some chick. We swapped some spit. I fingered it. And I went to my car and jerked off and went to sleep.

Nice. You know, and you listen to those stories now, and you can't imagine him being on a triple run and getting arrested for shoplifting. Then I got arrested for smacking somebody in Boise. And then I got arrested. And then I got arrested. and I didn't get arrested. I fingered this Indian chick at a bar.

She had a yeast infection. I will never forget that. You know, one of those Wednesday night triple things, which people, it's not a... Here you get into comedy because you think you're going to be playing Vegas. And here you are at... What's the hotels around the country? Red Lion. Red Lion in, in some place.

It says on the bottom, don't curse, because there's going to be Mormons in the audience. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and you've got to go up there, and they treat you like they give you 15% off your meal. But Tribble's only giving you 50 bucks And the hotel wants salmon And those are the only time Like there was one hotel that would give you like 50% off the meal

And you don't understand Lee For two days you've been in a car Eating Subway sandwiches Shit in that rest areas Now you've got a hotel room The first thing you do is put the hot water on And just sit in that tub You have no idea how you appreciate

The little things when you're broke And on the road like that Oh my God I used to use the jacuzzis more back then because I'm like, I'm on vacation. You know, this is great a jacuzzi. That's what they say to your dog. The hotel's got a jacuzzi.

Come on. When you heard the hotel had a jacuzzi, you thought you were making it. Like, oh, shit. And then when you get older, you're like, guess what the fuck? It's gross. I don't even want a jacuzzi, you know. There's so many things that. And back then, you know what you said?

Like you said, you get 50 bucks or whatever it was. Like, you know, we didn't do merchandise back then. There wasn't really merchandise. You know, like I did comedy, I think, for like 10 years before I even. And it was, you know what I mean? It wasn't in fashion. There was some guys, you know, like they would sell stuff, like bumper stickers, or Vic Dunlop, rest of the soul would do, you know, if they're eyeballs or they would have. But most of us, you know, you make, if you got paid $100, well, you're probably going to go home with like $30, 40 maybe.

By the time you get done eating gas, spending your money, it's like, you know. And today the gas prices. All these kids are dying. I know. And you can't, you know, you have to do three weeks as a feature act. if you fly you got to stay there for three weeks and hopefully that you know like the first time you go it's an investment

you lose money across the board then you go when you meet like-minded people a comic or daughter I live with my mom's we got a basement next time you come into town come in a day early I'll get your gig at this bar page you're 150 and you stay at my house and you start building relationships

for people I'll tell you there was a guy in Boston him and his wife would cook for me they had a little boy and when I come to town they said listen if you want to swing by I didn't sleep in the basement. And, you know, that fucking, I had a thousand

of those people that I wish I would have taken pictures with and, uh, what you live and you're like. How are you feeling? You're ready for another starly? No, I'm not ready for another story. Why not?

You're a fucking international playboy. Mystery of, mystery man. Fuck the most interesting man in the world. Is Lisa, yeah. I found out this weekend that you're having me watched when I go to subway.

He calls me and tells me, like, there's two people who have reported to him that I've gone to subway. I go to get my hair cut. last week guys on Wednesday or something and I'm going and some kid goes hey how are you doing I love the church man so I go to get the heck

and he goes you got 20 minutes like okay so I go outside I left the phone the car when I come back he goes hey man how are you doing he goes I really like the podcast he goes yeah I live like across the street from Lee he goes I didn't know that was Lee I always see him walking out of subway sandwich with a big smile we just I started doing oh shit I'm like come on you still

see him I go when his last time you see him He goes, oh, the other day. I just saw him yesterday. He fucking walked out of there. And he goes, he drove there and walked out. He goes, it's just fucking crazily. But Lee says he was coming from somewhere. Yeah.

This guy says Lee drives the car, parks it gets a sandwich. I've done it before. Yes, you have. Hell yeah. You don't have a walk all the time. What do you get when you go to, like, do you get like a turkey sandwich or something? I just get turkey now. I used to like, I used to love tuna.

But that's like the worst thing you can get there. It's really delicious. Oh, yeah, it's great. I'm not going to lie to you. The tuna's delicious from Subway. But you got to dope it up. You got to put the vinegar, the oil. You got to dope the bread up with mayonnaise.

You got to put some pickles on that motherfucker. Halapinos. I like the jalapinos. I just put all the veggies on, like spinach, lettuce, tomatoes, onions. I just, you know. When I was a kid, it was just tuna. That was it.

Tuna relish, some egg whites. But now I'm like, throw the veggies in. So at least you've, it's like you're tricking yourself. Like, I'm getting healthy. I love good tuna. Put onions in it. Yeah. Yeah.

Some raw, motherfucking onions. on white bread, like good Italian bread with some tomatoes on that motherfucker or an egg salad. Nice egg salad on a seated roll, like a Kaiser roll. Stop it with a fucking Coke, a 16 ounce Coke early for breakfast.

That's my old... That's the old days. That's what I would throw down. A good egg salad on a fucking Kaiser roll. Stop. Come on, Lisa. You know, I had a good sandwich at Witch Witch this weekend. Oh, I was going.

Which Which is good, right? It's actually pretty good. What did you have at Which Witch? Turkey. I like, that's all I can really get now. So I get turkey. put on the turkey to make it come to life? I put Swiss, lettuce,

pickles, and brown mustard. Fucking Swiss and turkey with a lot of salt on the turkey before you lay the Swiss on top. A little pepper, extra on the pepper. Stop it. A nice roast beef, sliced thin with heavy on the salt and pepper with a little piece of Swiss and some mayonnaise

and a thin, sin, sin, sin, cinnamon. A mayonnaise is so bad, and light mayonnaise sucks a dick. Oh, no, listen, listen. Some things that just don't work. Light mayonnaise is the worst. No, light mayonnaise. I tried it. It's like blown an 80-year-old with no sperm in this fucking cells. It's just gooey juice.

No, you always go for the Hellman's mayonnaise. What mayonnaise is gooey juice? You never fucking cut out the middleman. You always go for the Helmand's mayonnaise. You never make that mistake. What do they call it? Late mayonnaise. No, no, no.

What's the Helmonds that they call out here? Kroger? No, Kroger. Best foods? Thank you, sir. Yeah. A fucking dude from Fresno over a boy. Kroger?

I don't know. Fucking guy. I've got to deal with you. Kroger? So the other day I was sitting here. Pigley Weekly? You know, Ari's a fucking nutcase. Yeah.

You know, Ari likes to find the most obscure thing in his heart. He really does. For some reason, the rains were really bad, so they all got their flights canceled to New York. So he's at Ralphie Mays right now, Ari. Like, just, you know. Rogan's very intelligent, but Rogan always had an interest for earthquakes,

you know, not earthquakes, but the stars and the moon. Bigfoot and stuff like that, like space. All that. Shit is null and void in my world. Yeah. My whole thing has always been what makes people tick. Yeah. Whether I know you or I don't.

When OJ. killed that woman. Yeah. I sat there and related to him for a few weeks on how if I had an ex-wife, you know, at the time. Yeah. And I always think of what makes people tick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and it bothers me. It bothers me that sometimes on television on A&E has a show on there.

You know, that, you know, the life of a comedian, you know, laughter and then darkness and all this shit. Right. Right. They're not laughing now. You know, they're not laughing now when they show all these comics who have problems. And now we got Robin Williams just a fucking poster child for dysfunctional comics. And, you know, I look in the mirror and I know I'm dysfunctional in many fucking ways. But I know I'm crazy in many ways.

But I know there are a lot of ways I'm very grounded. And one of my motivations has been that I never had a lot of. mom. You know, I never, I met my mom, but then I heard that people who go to be comedians or kids who always want looking for attention. You know, my mom gave me a bunch of attention.

You know, I was, I was her world. I mean, I wasn't, you know, I was telling somebody, I was talking to these guys that were writing, and I said, when I was a kid that after my mother, after my dad died, my mother took me with her everywhere. There was no dropping me off at a babysitter. I didn't start getting babysat

until the first grade. and I didn't like it. It was so new to me. Like to some people, you get babysat as a baby, you get used to, my mom dragged me with me to bars and butcher shops or her bookmaking operations and all these places. So when she started, so I don't understand that concept of we're looking for attention.

And, you know, Madonna doesn't have a mom. Yeah. There's a lot of celebrity, you know, people who lost their moms in an early age. You lost your mom or you were an orphan? I was, uh, before we get into the, How old were you again? You were like 12 or 13? I was 15.

15. Yeah, because like you were saying like your mom gave you attention, but... Think about that. At 15, man, that's not enough. Like, I still, I still, like, I would go crazy if my mom died right now. I don't know what I would do. Lee, can you imagine that? Like, I mean...

I think about it... You were talking to the day about putting your shoes on and you remind you of you of something your mom said, like, oh, don't pull the back. I mean, man, imagine, like, he said, going with his mom and, like, everywhere and then just gone at 15. That's so, that's sad, man. After I got older, she still talked to me. She still gave me attention. But as boys, we want to do our own thing. And then when I got sick, she came back in.

But the whole thing, I was very tight with my mom. You know, why did I do stand up? I'd be honest with you. It fit me. I knew that I would adjust around it. I'm one of those guys that I didn't like working days. That was not going to happen in my world. That just was not.

Me either. I couldn't focus on it. I could not focus on it. I could not focus on a day job. Every time I was doing a day job after 10 days, I'm like, so what am I making for the day again? If I work overtime, I pulled down 1.30, I could sell a gram of blowing, make more money. You know what I'm saying? Like in my mind, I was always making scams.

So when I found out what the requirements were for comedy, traveling, working nights, drinking, snort and blow, you know, because I read the Lenny Bruce book, so I thought this is what it was. But then I meet a guy like you. Okay, so now I have other demons. I meet a guy like you, don't smoke pot. No. Never really saw you drink. No, no. Sweeter than pie, you're nonviolent.

Never got arrested. No. Now, were you orphaned or you met your mom? Here's what happened to me. I grew up in a foster home. Okay. I grew up in a foster home. I was put there when I was three.

And, you know, sometimes people, if they haven't heard this, they get a little shock because it's so, it's weird. them because like you just said, I'm, you know, I'm sort of like, uh, like, I guess when they look at me, I'm like that leave it to Bieber kind of guy or like, you know, like when you said something, somebody fell, like the first thing I do is I fall and I'm like, I don't think lawsuit. I think, oh man, I mean, I just, just get up and go, you know. If I see something, I'll actually go out of my way. I know I'm weird like that. Like I was at a buffet. I was doing the, what do you call it, the Lake Tahoe Improv? And I saw like, there was some ice and stuff.

And I thought, someone's going to fall and hurt themselves. So I went and I actually grabbed a dirty tray and I put it on the floor. So, you know, and then I know that's weird. And I was like, excuse me, somebody, you know, I'm the kind of guy. I was in a bathroom, a couple of, in January, is in bathroom in January, actually in Fresno. And what do I sit in the bathroom stall? I see a fucking handgun, man. There was a handgun.

It was a 45. And it was in the bathroom on top of the toilet paper roll. What would you do if you saw it? Well, who knows what you would do? What would you do at different ages? Probably different things, I guess, if you saw a handgun. A thousand things. Number one, I wouldn't touch it. Yeah, I didn't touch it. Really?

Let's ask Lee. What would you do? You walk into a bathroom. You see it. You see what You're... Runaway screaming? I don't know. Like, I'd freak out. I wouldn't know what to do. It was a really nice restaurant. It was a Sunday morning. I did shows earlier that, you know, that week. It was with my aunt and uncle, right? I walk into the bathroom stall, and I'm like, what the... And I look and there's this black gun. and I kind of looked at the front of it and there was no orange thing so I'm like oh this isn't like a toy and I grabbed the toilet tissue or the seat cover protector and I kind of picked the gun up a little bit

it was heavy and I was like this is the fucking real deal so I immediately locked the stall I waited until the people were out I opened the stall I pop open the door I flagged a bus boy down which is that was weird I was like come here and then I asked I said I go I go, I need to talk to the manager.

I need to talk to them. And he goes, he goes, sorry, he's busy. I go, seriously? I go, I really, this is an emergency. I have to show him something. And so then he gets the manager. And I know the pilot creepy, like, hey, come here and look at this. But I said, I go, look in there.

There's, there's something. I go, I found a gun. There's a gun. And the same thing, he grabs the toilet seat protector, kind of picks the gun. He goes, oh, it must belong to a customer. So he grabbed a bunch of paper towels, wrapped it up. He goes, I'm going to put it in my office. So he goes to his office.

office. I sit back down. My heart was pounding, man. It's fucking weird because it's, it was like a nice restaurant. You're a nice guy. You're a nice guy. It's not your world. Yeah. And it wasn't like it was a late night, Denny. Is it 3 in the morning or some weird? It was like a weird, like, you know, like a nice place. I told me, I have a friend that's a cop and I texted him and he

goes, get the fuck out of there. You know, and he goes, call the cops. And I wrote back, I already told the manager and he goes, for all you know, it's his gun. I was like, oh, I didn't even think of that. Like, I didn't even think of that. Long story. The cops called me later that And they go, do you work there? And I said, no.

And they go, because we're trying to get hold of the manager, and he's not calling us back. But who knows what it was. Anywho, so that was what I... After the moral of the story, next time mind your fucking business. Close the store and get the fuck out of there. No. Yeah, you mind your business. What if some kid grabs the gun and shoots somebody or...

What are you going to do? Yeah. It's nothing to do with you. Yeah. You might touch it. Listen, that gun could have been used in a murder. Yeah. That gun could have been used in a thousand things.

Yeah. You know, we sometimes feel that we have to do everything. And there's some things that look around you. Look at in the restaurant. There's a bunch of kids with balloons. Yeah. Yeah. But it doesn't sound like that was kids.

Yeah, it was more like retired people. You might be helping somebody out. Somebody might get the bill going to the bathroom, see the gun and shoot themselves. So you're talking about... So that was sort of my background. Just group home thing. Yeah, I grew up in a foster home. So, you know.

And was a group home with other kids? Yeah. Yeah. A home where they had three kids of their own. No, no, no. we were all like in the foster program. So I was three. My mother was,

she was in and out of prison. My father, who I really, I met him one or two times as a kid and I didn't reconnect with him until I was 28. He was a Hells Angel. He was the president of the Fresno chapter.

He's in that book, The Hell's Angels book, Hunter S. Thompson. Yeah. Thomas Thompson. Anyways So my My mother I was closer to my grandma and grandpa

Like on my mother's side Like I didn't know my father's side I didn't even You know I only really know him And he has kids that I've since met But So growing up I would get to see my grandma And grandpa every

You know every two weeks I'd see him every two weeks Until I was nine And And then when they adopted me That pretty much They put the kibosh on that Like I would only see my grandparents

you know, Christmas and birthday. So it'll be twice a year. I have two sisters, kind of. I mean, we're not real. I mean, you know, they're my foster sisters. That's why your grandparents adopt you? They were old. They were unstable, I think.

I'm going to say, like, I know I asked that question all the time. I love my grandma, grandpa. I love him so much. When I turned 19 and I actually had a little, you know, I grew up in a very strict household, super strict, very religious, going to church three times a week, Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, you know, that kind of thing. When I had a little bit of money, like a little bit just to, you know,

like pay rent, I moved out and for two months I actually went right back to their house. I went and lived with my grandparents for a summer. And for the two years that I lived in Fresno, I would, you know, I'd have my job. I worked at a radio station. I went to a city college, and I'd go to their house for dinner every night. night. You know, they were the sweetest, coolest people. Now, when you got adopted, what did it feel like living in this?

Now, when you got adopted, you lived with a family, of course. There was the same family that raised me in my whole life. Really? When I was three. I went there when I was three. My name used to be, I used to have a different last name. When I was nine, I got the name Carter. That's, you know, yeah, party starter. No, but that's like, so I'm like, yeah, they gave me a stage name.

No. But I remember he, my dad asked me, he goes, do you want to be adopted? And you're a kid, what are you going to say? You're going to say yes. You know, like I didn't understand it. My mom, my father, you know, and I hate to say this, but my foster mom, she was abusive, man. It wasn't a sweet thing. Some people are like, oh, it's so nice you got adopted or it's so it's great that you grew up and I'm like, they're not all good. I mean, it seems like a good thing.

Like if you tell someone I foster children, oh, you're a good person. Not really. You don't necessarily, just because you do that doesn't mean you are a good person. My dad was a good person. My foster mom, I got to say, I don't think she. liked kids, man. I don't think she liked kids. I don't even know why she, why we're there.

It was, yeah. It's weird because I took a course in psychology at the University of Colorado, but it was before I transferred. It was a continuing ed course. Yeah. And the guy did a paper on that or something, and we spoke about that for like two classes, how they did a study,

and most people that adopt have a guilt that they're hiding. I don't know what the percentage was. I hate to say that maybe there's some psychology majors. You know, I was young. I was interested in this, you know. The people who took me in, the dude, the father, you know, I was introduced to them by there's two sons. And I started going over to the house and eating. And one day I became a relationship with the dad.

I said, hello, I was always very polite. Mrs. B, Mr. You know, I was always very polite. It's like if Lee brought me to his house when we were 10, Lee would always go, my mom really dug you the next day, you know? But for some reason, this kid's mom didn't dig me. Like, she dug me, but I don't know. Maybe I was Cuban.

I don't know. I don't know. Where the father was the dude. He dug me. And I remember one day going, him pulling me back and going, come here for a second. This is what I like about you. That people, they were the first ones together,

built-ins. pool. Oh, yeah. And we used to all go over there. And one day, he goes, you know what I like it about you? All the other kids leave. You stay behind and pick up the towels. Oh.

He goes, and I go, because I had a pool. And I know how it felt. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can look out and all your friends leave shit out. And now you're getting yelled at by your mom. And we built up a relationship. Then he asked me, do you want to go to track one night?

And one day in the car, he said to me, uh, isn't it weird that I have three boys? and you're going to the track with me. And I realized, Lee, what's the first thing I say to you when we get here every fucking night? How's your dad doing? Do you think I ask you that because I'm a jerk-aw? Because I like your fucking dad or whatever.

I mean, your dad's a sweetheart of a guy. I say these things to you because if you don't have a dad, we forget these things. Me and this fucking guy, I don't have a dad. We'll tell you how to be a better son. I'll tell you how to be a better son. You know, I've said I did Ari's, podcast and I made a statement that

I know how to save a marriage because I destroyed a marriage. When you do this shit, you learn. And I see people who overlook their parents and it fucking destroys my inside because I would give an eye to spend a... Me and my

uncle are beefing. We've beefed I'm 52. We've beefed 27 years of my life, which is half of it. Me and my uncle, he's my mother's brother. If I could look you both in the eye today, his men and tell you I don't miss my uncle because I would love to go to a Dodger game with him against the...

Even if I got to pay for the tickets, it meant that much to me because his sons wouldn't take him to a fucking Dodger game. We overlook our parents and they sacrificed a ton for you but you don't know that till you become a parent

and you want to do something on Saturday but you know if you go in and sketch a sketch, you get an extra nickel and that means he gets you. your son gets an extra pair of sneakers. We overlooked that. I never forgot that.

I remember having conversation. I remember him going, us getting to the track, and him giving me $30. And then he introduced me to guys that would win at the track, but they didn't want to collect the money because they would go on their taxes. So I would put my source security

and they'd collect under my name and they'd give me 10%. Lee, are you fucking listening to this shit? I'm 13. I'm 13 at the track going home with a Deuce 300 every night. Nobody knows what I'm getting the money from. It was crazy.

But I never forget him looking at me going, I got three boys, and I'm going with you to the track. And he goes, I love my boys. But that feeling right there always fucking. And Lee, don't I always ask you about your dad? Don't I always beat you up to go down there and bring him out? Because the day he's gone, you're going to remember every time I asked you how your dad is.

And you're going to say, you know what? And you're good, because I know you were going to go down there two months ago. It caused you with Gene-Ole-Rue. They took your money from the hotel. The plane was delayed for 22 hours. You're a good son. But there's a lot of people, man, that they overlooked this for some reason. And, oh, Jesus, it's a...

Do you ever think about it, Joe? Because, like... Jesus, fuck, I think about it. Well, not even that, but... I live it with my friends. I live it with my daily friends. Hold on. I got my nuts sack and stuck.

And I was Gene Short. I didn't put me on these on. See if I would have me on these on. It's not a me on these on. What are you saying? I'm sorry to interrupt you. I just meant like, because most kids who lose a parent probably don't go through that, they would go through, like, they would get taken by the state and all that. And you just went, you got lucky and went to live with your friends.

Like, your life would have been totally different. If at 15 you got taken to, like, a different part of New Jersey? No, but I wasn't going to, listen, I live in a political hell-oh where they would have cut the strain. Really? In those days, North Bergen was really gangster. Like, if the state would have came in, they would have thrown a beat on him, my friend. Oh, shit. You know, Carmine would have pulled a gun on and it would have been ugly.

So I don't know what happened. When my mom died, nobody said boo. Like, nobody came to the house, the school didn't say nothing. You just kept, wow. Nobody said, dick, I just went to school. We buried her on a Monday. Tuesday, I was back at school like nothing happened. You went to school the day she died.

Yeah, the day she died, I went to fucking school. I mean, you know, listen, man, I knew even at that age because my dad had died, and I saw how my mother acted. My mother didn't sit there like a fucking victim. In fact, my mother got doubly hard after my dad died. I could see it.

I could see how much she worked and how much, you know, she loved, and she partied too. But when it was time, you know, she opened the bar, she laid it down, she watched that lunch register, then she disappeared to the metal ends and catch four races and win a thousand and she shoot over the you know but uh i had the opportunity to meet my mother you know i don't remember my father you know i don't i can't imagine but all the fingers pointed

to me losing my parents i mean we moved on the street that was an old orphanage they said there was a fire there and all those houses were fucked up it was a dead end street it was two blocks from the fucking cemetery you know like i had all the fucking signs you know. Yeah. When you were growing up with this mom, I mean. Yeah, foster mom. It was like, did she yell at you in front of people?

All the time. You and her were alone. No, no, no, no, no. It was, she was, like, the meanest lady at church, that was my mom. Like, the one that would, like, the kids, she'd go, hey, snap her fingers and stuff. She would, we'd have a, there was two times. I grew up with two sisters. They're Native American.

They're really related. They're related. There was another brother that was, uh, 10 years older. and I, and he moved out when he was 17, and I was 7, so I knew him from 3 to 7, you know. He, uh, and I remember they had the social worker that came in, and one

time he, you know, he, this is the, like, the legend, I don't remember because I was too young, but my sister said that he did this. Like, he told the social worker, you know, that, uh, she's abusing us. She's, you know, and he tried to,

and then after that, it was, it was done. Like, we, that this, they did nothing about it. Nothing about it. I ran away when I was in my senior year. And after that, you know, it was like December when I was like 17. And where are these people today? Where's your mom today? Real moms? They're both dead.

Foster mom died. Real mom died when I was 23. I saw her twice as an adult. She died in prison. After that, I was, I was, last saw her when I was 23. She died when I was, I think, 28. And, you know how you have that thing? We were like, there's that person. I'm going to

look for. There's that thing I got to do. That was when I realized I got to look at my dad. Like I knew there were sightings of him like in that area because, you know, he's kind of a like a legend. A bike's a legend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they know he had personalized license plate. He drives a 46, you know, fleet line type of, you know, one of those. And so people knew him. Like he was like six real tall dude. And they were like, hey, I saw your dad over here. And I heard this kind of thing. And I thought, I'm going to look for it. I honestly, it's like, I was really lucky. This isn't, I, I looked him up on the phone book, and he was in the fucking phone book. I called the number, and somebody else answered, and he goes, oh, yeah, he goes, he'll be back in a little bit.

I was so scared to make that phone call, man. You know, it's like, hey, it's me. You know what I mean? It was, it was, it was, what are you doing in town? I go, you know, and we talk for a little bit, and the plan was I was supposed to meet him the next day at noon, but I told him I was in town. It was a comedian. I was doing a show.

So he couldn't wait till the next day. Him and his friend, they showed up at the show. And so you got a picture. You're on stage, mostly audiences in their 20s and 30s. You look over, and there's these two ZZ-Z-top-looking motherfuckers. And I was on stage when I made the joke. I go, hey, where? And right when I looked at him, I realized who it was.

And I just kept rolling. And I didn't look over there again until I walked off stage. Thank you, good night. It freaked me out, man. It was a weird. Imagine being on stage. And then you see someone. like that.

I fall apart at the seams. Yeah. I can't. You've never had that happen. Like someone being in like the crowd and fucks with you? From my past? Yeah. Someone personal.

We're not talking like, yeah, like someone personal. Like if you saw your uncle, but you, you've seen your uncle recently? No, he came to a show one time, but I know he was coming. He brought my cousins in Cuba. You know, I love to, uh, I love for somebody to give Lee, me, $2 million, I give Lee a million. I charge him 10% actually. And then I take a million and I like to just go to Cuba and meet everybody in my bloodline.

Look at their eyes from my mother's side and then rent a car and go to Conaway and see my father's side. That's your dream. These people are not on fucking artchemical.com. What's that family treat thing? Ancestry.com. I looked. I got nobody on that fucking thing. There ain't no fucking Diaz.

You might have been on the wrong website. Valdez on there. I got to look for illegal immigrants.com. There ain't no fucking Diaz is a Valdez there. They both came in illegally. You know, I'd just like to go and see everybody to see what their fucking roots were. Who the fuck wouldn't? I want to go see the whole thing.

You know, with me, it stopped with my grandfather. I never knew what they did before them. When I started hooking up my uncle at lunches, one day he said to me, hey, you know, your grandmother and your grandfather was second cousins, so you're a little retarded. And I always knew that. He goes, that's why the whole Valdet's this side is fucking retarded. We're all inbred motherfuckers, you know what I'm saying?

So do you think, what the fuck are you giggling about, cock suck? How are you feeling over there, all right? I'm stoned as fuck. Go home and watch Orange is a new black tonight. I'm fucking stab you. It's over. You understand me? Cocksucker.

I'm sitting there all week and going. What type of Jew is this? What Jew would sit there all day and watch TV? Somebody's slipping. Somebody's wallet fill out of their pockets. Something. There's got to be a move to be made. I feel you, dog. Nine and a row. Oh, my God. That's just, that's a lot.

Did you give her a stabbing in between? Hell yeah. All right. That's all I want to know. A good stabbing. A lot is half a fucking... Good one. Facts. Did you eat a little monkey? Yeah.

You fucking dirty bastard. You sniff it? Not just by itself. You don't give it all. Where's Tony Benedict? It's good to have you on, Darren Con. I tell you, this is easy for easy. Just talk.

I love it, man. Thanks for having me. Yeah. You know what? Because my mom, my dad was in San Quentin, you know, for three years in the 60s. And my mother was in prison. And after that. And so they would write letters back and forth.

And so he's giving me some of those letters. I was looking at one of them today. It's wild, man. What are you going to do? It's Monday. D.C.'s on? What happened? You fucked it up again?

No, no, I didn't fuck it up. I fainted it out. I didn't fuck up today. Yes, you did. Yes, you did. You're slipping up. You're slipping. Nine episodes of what to your head?

Like 50% of this audience did the same thing this weekend. No, they did not. Yes, they did. No, they didn't. I guarantee. But they have day jobs. You're an unemployed. You're a fucking independent contractor.

You're like, you know, you're... I was making moves. You weren't making her move. I was making moves. The only moves you were doing were getting her soup and rubbing her feet and make her believe you. You're giving a fuck. Oh, you're sitting there all googly-eyed, waiting to get her pants.

You were a dirty chew. No, actually, I worked on Saturday. So I did Steve Simone's podcast. You were a dirty joke. Stop me. Ha! Ha! Ha! You came over there. Steve said your hair was all fucked up.

No, he didn't. Pussy hair on your neck. Maybe. You're the best. I love his hot. It was a Neener, Neener, Neener. I worked on Saturday. I did.

Yeah. A little fucking cock sucker, you. Everything all right and you are? Yeah. Everything's... You went to the gym today. You're going back to Jitza tomorrow and I. I was at VMAC yesterday.

You had a good time? Yes, I did. I did those hip ascapes in there. That's a long floor, dog. Everywhere else I go, the floor is not that long. Like, Hegans, like the third of that. For the Higgins? For the hip escapes?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's tough. That's a long fucking road. My legs are a little sore thing. Can you go there and back? Yeah, I did it twice yesterday. No way. Yeah, but I had to breathe in between.

I didn't do it like Slim Jim Magoo, and I went, and there was little. No. I did the one, and I stopped maybe three before the line, and then I finished it, and then I rested there for like three minutes. Then I did it, and by that time my age, was coming back to me and I made it I did some stretches

I did some rip stuff and yeah I went I had a good time I rode with John Bud that's a great place that's a great little family jiu jitza school if you like training at night

okay I haven't trained late 915 like he's like tell Lee to come Wednesday at 915 915 we're on our third start you know

nobody's training nothing nobody's thrown to the fucking air or nothing so do you think because of your experiences at all growing up that we yearned to do stand up for attention do you think that was part of your motivation I mean now that we're here talking about it um you know what I think it was I think like I said it was very strict like you know that they had this thing like children were to be seen not heard

and it was almost like I had a dual personality like at home at least I felt like I was this way quiet really wasn't myself you know it was pretty straight-laced kind of afraid of a little bit, you know, a lot. And then, but then I get to school and it would be like, it was like, you unleash the demons, like, I'm free, you know, and I would, that's when I got into, like, comedy and beatboxing and stand up and, and writing raps and being on a speech and debate team and writing, like, those funny speeches, which was really stand-up, essentially, you know. And then as I got a little older, like, I think because I started that in 10th grade,

then 11th grade, and then senior year, it was like, it was pretty much out of the bag, man. And it was, you know, I started doing, like, little talent shows and all this stuff. What did your strict religious mom go to jail for? No, no, no. That was the foster mom. Oh, that was the foster mom. Yeah, foster mom that was strict. My real mom, my birth mom, she, like I said, she got him, you know, with the bikers and that whole thing.

And, you know, I don't know. I don't know. It's, I've asked my grandpa that. You know, when I was a kid, he passed away in 2007. But I asked him, I said, when I was a kid, You know, no one would give me a straight answer. They'd be, oh, she's in jail for shoplifting. But then my grandpa said, well, it's like, you know,

one charge leads to another. Then you're hanging out with felons, and that's another charge. And then some, you know, the last I heard, she had a, you know, when she was alive, she had a boyfriend who the cops did a raid, and he shot like two cops. And that guy was an asshole. And I remember that guy from, I met him once, like that boyfriend guy, like 20 years ago.

I mean, I hadn't seen my mom since I was a little kid. they came to Fresno for Thanksgiving and I got to meet you know got to see her and it was great Joe I'm telling you because she had all these letters that she'd received from my grandparents you know my whole life and so she was asking me oh you know

so when you were 10 years old you were on the track team and then when you were you know it was weird it was like this person knew my whole life all through these letters and stuff and then I I just wanted to talk to her one-on-one because this weirdo was always this boyfriend guy was always with her

so finally we stopped you know know we slipped away. I went and talked to her in this alley, you know, across the street. And then, uh, somebody came over looking for us and they go, they go, they go, they go, you're okay, buddy? No. Oh, Jesus Christ. And they go, they go, that dude's freaking out.

He's looking for you guys. He's throwing all the stuff on the lawn. We've called the cops. He has a gun. I was like, he has a gun. I was like, fuck, man. I like took off. And I was, I, and I didn't see her again until, you know, like I saw her six months later at my

grandma's funeral. And then after that, I, you know, she died like, you know, six years later. And it didn't even hit me. Like, when I got the news, because I didn't really know her, but, like, I think I cried for about a couple minutes. I mean, I didn't cry. Then I cried for a couple minutes. And then I just, like you said, I just, but it was different. Just moved on. Until that night, then that night I did a sit at the ice house and I walked off stage. And I remember for some reason it just hit me. The sound man goes, Darren, that was an unbelievable set. And when he said that, I go, you're not going to believe it, man.

My mom died today, and I just burst out in tears. And I don't know if that guy was on something or what, but when I burst out in tears, that guy fucking started burst out in tears and he gave me a big hug, and it was very emotional. It's weird when something hits you. Yeah. Sometimes somebody tells you something, and you're like, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you get in your car and you make a call. And all of a sudden, something happens, it just hits you. Yeah. And for some people, it hit you immediately. For some people, it took five years. for my mom's death to settle in. I was 19 when all of a sudden I'm like, wait a second, you know. Yeah.

She's gone. She's fucking gone. Mom's gone, yeah. You know, she's gone. I can't imagine. And you sit and look at the other side, you know. She loved you in her own little way. Yeah.

But, you know, her life got in front of motherhood. I know. Sometimes that happens. Yeah, I look at those letters. I looked at one today and she's like, you should see your boy. He's out of sight. And this, you know. It's funny, she's using the language of the day, of the 60s and 70s, you know.

He's out of sight, you know. The letter was, you know, she made it herself, you know, colored like a son, you know what I mean? Like the designs they would do in prison and shit, a little design. And it's like it's wild, man. It was weird because I remember being at the wake and sitting there going, wow, I'm an orphan. You know, it's like a label now I'm going to have. I'm an orphan. Yeah.

And nobody, like I said, guys, nobody. said nothing, maybe like the third day at the wake, people were like, hey man, so what's your next move? I don't really know. You know, I don't, some people were there from Miami that said I could move back with them. My uncle was from here. He was very, uh, my godfather was like, you can move with me to like West New York. But all these places, I had to move. I had to leave high school.

I don't want to be that kid coming in as a sophomore. Fucking, uh, uh, Jesus Lee, the fucking move. in high school, that's a horror show, you know, where are you from? You're not going to the bathroom, no. You can't go to no fucking bathroom. Yeah, we're going to hold it. We're gentlemen here, you know what I'm saying?

We fucking do this for nine hours. Dave Chappelle does six fucking hours. You don't see him going to the fucking bathroom, do you know? What did you drink? A half ounce of water? I know, I drink some coffee before I got here. Jesus Christ.

You need that aggravation in your life? But I piss one time. Let me just piss one time. Okay, go piss. Okay, thank you. Which key is it? It's the metal one in the middle. I know they're all metal.

Oh, middle. Fuck, okay, I'm in a hurry. Can you believe this shit? This is what I got to do? Oh, fuck. People got a piss and shit. They're like, painful. Thank you.

What's up, Lysayette? You bad motherfucker. You talk to the Uncle Joey. That was fucked up. What's up, brother? No, but you said something, I think it was on a periscope. It was like letting people go, like, even like having people in your life who you just have to, like,

kind of get rid of. And I'm going through something like that. out right now. It's just like, it's going to make, it's going to make some people in my life upset that I'm trying to do it, but there's just this, it's weird making that decision just, like, cut someone off, kind of. Why are you cutting them off? Just, it's, I don't want to get too personal about it, but it just, there's been, like, a long history of just bad behavior, and it's just, it's, uh, it's, it's, it's, it's,

not somebody you know. Um, somebody from your past in Boston. Yeah, so it's just, but it's Like, it's just, it's a weird, it's hard making that decision. And I forget, I'm too high now, I remember what you were talking about, but it just like, it's up. Here's Dakota that I lived with since I was like 24, right? I would hang out with people. Party and changes people. You know, it just does. One day, everything's cool on the next day, I'm giving you $100 for something, and you're coming back on its light.

And you're my best friend. And I get it. You know what? Lee's got a girlfriend. He wants to throw a couple of coke. are away and he's a little asshole. I got it, but then it got worse. You know, whatever.

And you could be mad at somebody for something like that. It's an addiction thing. That person still loves you. They're going through something, you know. But then I had a friend one time in 84 that I was dear friends with. And they're on Facebook now, and from time to time he'll like something.

But he hasn't creeped in yet. And I don't creep with him yet. All right, I'm back. But I'll never forget how. Now, that was one of the first friends I had that rudely hurt me. He didn't know about it, but I made a decision one day, and I made it based on this. I said, that dude used to look me in the eye and tell me he loved me, you know. When somebody loves you, they can't act that way.

And it makes everything easier. And I stopped fucking around with that dude. And like I said, he friended me on Facebook. He lives somewhere different now. you know, and I never forgot him. I used him as an example for other things because I really liked him. My life really changed after I started hanging out,

stopped hanging out with him. He was one of the original guys early on and I was like 16, 17, 18 that I was in contact with all the time. He didn't live in North Bergen, you know. But that was one of the first guys ever. In 85, I finally goes, that's it. And he hunted me down in 88.

and oh man I heard you got to rest in and he would giggle I'm like you motherfucker and then I got a call one night from him and what had happened was

Lee you know this is the type of people he was he would show up and give you some of this water all right he'd give you a brand new water taste this you taste the water

and then he'd go you know what I got four other ones okay But you should have called me and told me you were bringing me four other ones. I don't need four other ones. Then he go right here, take these, and I'll come back on Tuesday and collect the money from me. But at that time, he had so much money, you wouldn't hear from him for two months. And then when they out of the bloody call, you got, you got that $3,000?

No, I don't. That shit is gone, long gone. I called you 18 fucking times. That was three months ago. Where were you? He got into a situation where he came to see me in Colorado, and on the way out he goes, Oh, man, I forgot I got this blow on me. You want it? Yeah.

All right. He goes, Tia, take it, and we'll figure it out later. And about a month later, he calls me. And he goes, I figured it out, just let's do like a thousand bucks. I'm like, a thousand bucks. Listen, this is what you give away every night. That's how much money you got. But I was wrong, and he was right. But it was just for all this shit he had done over the years.

Then I didn't talk to this guy for 20 years. Do you remember MySpace? Yes. I used to do a blog. Oh, shit. I love that blog. And one day, I wrote a blog about him. And guys, I left.

Like, I used to ride a Monday and then go swimming and lift weights. It was really fat. And I would come back. And one day, but never, you know, when you don't hear from anybody. Like, nobody I hung out with knew where he was, nothing. Right. Guess what? I get back to my house.

My business is before what, before. He sent him to my personal email. And he's like, how you doing? This is what this is. Can you give me a call when you get a minute? What? And I called him. I'm like, what's up, man?

He goes, ah, everything all right, man. Great to hear. You're doing comedy, man. I'm happy for you. Me and my kids saw the longest yard. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he goes, hey, man, you wrote a blog about me. What the fuck?

And I was like, let me ask you something between you and me. Did I lie on that blog? And it was silenced sleep because I didn't lie. I told everything. I got a memory like a whip, especially when people fuck me. And he was like, no. He didn't say no. He goes, well, whatever you want to believe, good luck to you.

And then years later, I found out that I was going to do rascals in New Jersey. And a bunch of my friends showed up. And the reason why a bunch of my friends showed up is because he told him who was going to come down and hit me with a stick. What? This is 98. But I found this out in 2009. Oh, shit. So that's, but I'm, listen, man, some people you just, there's certain things that people do that you, you know, if they get in the way of your livelihood, you got to cut them off.

You got to cut them off. You have a wife and a kid. Yeah. This isn't us, you know, people rat on you. What are you going to do? Hang out with them. Somebody hits on your girlfriend. What are you going to do?

Are you going to talk to him? Take them out to lunch. I don't know. You know, you went to the back. Take him out of the subway. Yeah. Take him out of the subway and sneak out of there, all creepy, shit. I drive there and I run home.

The kids said you look like a pervert Walking out of one of those peep shows That you have a big smile on your face But you hold that sandwich close to you He's like, I got a six inch Fuck you, I don't know, I don't get 12 inch He gets the 12 inch, the cookie I don't get the cookie

The cookies 220 The cookies 220 can't get it Two hundred 20 count How many carbohydrates? I have no idea All right You're looking good, Doug What are you down to 98 pounds?

93 You don't think of it? Ninety three, you're gained weight No. You were at 96.8 last night. No, I wasn't. Yes, you were. Don't lie to me.

I wish I was. It's going to be a year on the 20th. It's from when I started the diet. So you got four days, five days. What were you at your heaviest? 315. What are you at now? I have no idea.

Look at his head. They got all small. I know. When Grudge match came out, he looked Chinese and shit for a while. People were bowing and shit. I'll find the picture. picture from when we went to Austin with a...

And my face was like smushed. It's creepy. So like, yeah. Don't put it away. I don't want to see it. It's creepy. No, don't fucking show it to me. You should write a book, Darren Carter, about your experiences. You know, I look at what you write. I'm like, God, it's very inspiring. This is, I swear to you, do you remember me asking

little questions? And this is what I meant. And don't take this the wrong way, because I love I love what you do, like in my space. Because I'm always insecure about my spelling, my grammar, putting a sentence together? I didn't give a fuck. Remember that? And I would ask you, I go, I go, because I know, and I was like, I just love how you express yourself and I'm like, oh, it looks

is terrible. Yeah, you know what I mean? It was hard. I would go, he's getting it out there, he's getting it out there. And I'm like, I'm like, I want to do that, but I'm like, you know, you get, yeah. Listen, guys, I hadn't fucking opened up a notebook and written traditionally since 1991.

Yeah. And one day I saw, I read a blog and I thought it was so fucking interesting on Comic Root. this comic doesn't even live in L.A. no more. Yeah. I forget his fucking name. And what do you say? The reasons why he was leaving.

Oh, oh, dude, I know who that was. I read that blog, too. I know who it was. This is 10 years ago. Dude, I know. It was, can I just, fuck it, I'll say it. I know a website it was. It was probably Shecky magazine.

And I think the guy's name, he moved to Texas. Am I right? Because he wrote, there was, back then there was, like, three or four, I want to say, websites that you could go on. This guy wrote that he moved to L. L.A. after a scout from three yards had seen him, and he borrowed money from his father, and three of his buddies moved in, and they moved to the valley, and they shed an apartment, and everybody got an agent, he got an agent, and two of his roommates got deals.

It was just one of those. He didn't write it like a victim. He wrote it more as, this is my journey. My eight-year journey in Los Angeles. He goes, but upon going back to Texas, I saw one of my old girlfriends and I talked to my brother about going back to the oil plant

and making $72,000 a year to start and I thought about my time in L.A. And he wrote like the people he had met and he, and I got it. I wasn't mad at him and nothing. I thought I just, the way he used his words and I remember I started on the road. I started in the hotel computers

and it was a horror show. I'm sorry, so you read his blog and you got inspired you thought. Yeah. I actually write something like this. No, it was just, I thought about why a comic doesn't write, listen, when a good writer writes an article on the paper, he writes a weekly column. Yeah. And then people go up to them and go, you'll Lee Syatt.

Holy shit. I can't wait to read you every Tuesday with the UFC tutorial on what's really going on. You got a guy that slams Dana or Ariel. I'm not saying that, I'm just saying a guy that slams the fighters or steroid or the Vegas stuff with the, and testing, just somebody who's honest. You know, after eight weeks, people get to know who you are. Why aren't comics doing this? And I started writing in Darren Carter, I realized how, not dumb,

but how grammar-gramurally. Grammarically, right? I was gone. Gamatically? Gone, guys, gone. I had forgotten how to use eyes. The only thing I remembered was how to space, like the first sentence should be on top. Everything else, like you, Y-O-U, U-O-U, apostrophe, R-E, and your.

And you know how much shit people gave me on the Internet until I started looking it up and remembering. But I overcame it by getting on that computer every Monday at 5 a.m. No matter where I was and fucking, you know, I'd have an idea during the week of what I was going to write. Every week I'd write a, I'd be taking notes during the week. So I had an outline, and Monday morning I would write it. And it kept me sharp for a while. It really opened up just writing, just writing creatively on a Monday morning. You know, there was a comic in town that said that every day he wrote something different.

Mondays he did poetry. Tuesdays he wrote a song. Wednesday he fucking wrote a joke. Thursday, he wrote his biography. And I thought that was very interesting. So what I started doing at the time was instead of sitting at the start, bucks smoking dope with a fucking pen with a pen in your mouth.

What you do is you write two things at once. So you're writing your biography to stretch the muscle. And while you stretch the muscle, you're constantly writing. So you're not, that hour, you're just not there staring into fucking space. When you write, do you write pen to paper?

Do you go to keyboard now? I'd rather prefer the fucking pen to paper, but then I got to go to, I got to be a fucking monkey and put it back up there and then figure out what the fuck I wrote. when I was high. So now I just go on Litlift, and I write on there, and then I look at the next day, and it's a horror show, and I erase two sentences. I'm going to look it up, Litlift. Is it an app or something?

Litlift.com is an app online. Oh, cool. Not an app in your phone. Oh. Not in my world. I don't have nothing on my phone. I got Evernote. Evernote's pretty good. What's Evernote? Is this app, and it goes from your, it'll be on your phone and your Mac.

And so all your notes will be across every platform, your iPad, your computer, your phone. I'll say what it looks like. It looks like this. See that green elephant, Evernote? Very nice. So all the stuff's in there. So it's all in there.

Darren, you can't show him these things because then he's going to get it. I know. And then either me or his wife is going to get a call when you let it breaks or delete everything. That fucking Daron Carter. With that fucking Evernote, I wrote my shit and then it disappeared.

I know. Fuck him. You get the call three and the phone. Oh, yeah, I get furious. When somebody recommends something and it's kaputz, it's a fucking Chavago. Evernote. Oh, I would fucking torment. What do you mean, Chavago?

Do you have a girl who died? I don't know. You know, you could say. Oh, Shivo. I don't even Chival. Oh, shit. You could save voicemails. Do you ever have a voicemail you really like?

You could hit send and you could send it to your Evernote. So you're, yeah. All right, good. Hold, I'll do it tomorrow. I doubt you want to the fucking tonight show, is correct? Yeah, it was. How many times?

Unfortunately, I did it once. With Jay Lelan? Yeah, Jay Lowe. Did he like you? He did. He did. He liked me. It was great.

It was the best. Where did they discover you? They saw me at the Ice House in Pasadena. I didn't even know, I didn't even know a showcase. I wasn't a showcase. And they just happened to see me. And at the time, the talent coordinators, they go, you know, you almost have a set. They go, you need like just two more minutes.

It's like two more minutes and you could have a set. So they work with me on the set for like a year. And honestly, it's like, it was actually pretty annoying at the time. Because, you know, you're killing, Joey. You're going to go up, you're going to do your set. And they're going every single word, you know, like every single word. And I don't think that, you know, like I would do a certain joke and they were like, that doesn't make, like I used to do this joke about it because I'm a redhead guy.

And the joke at the time was, I go, hey, you guys ever heard the expression slap you like a red-headed stepchild? And then I'd look all sad. I have. So at the time it was cute and, you know. And the guy goes, I don't get, why would you be slapped like a wet-headed? I go, no, no, no, wet-headed. I'm like a red-headed. I'm like a red, you know, he never heard the expression.

I did a joke about, um, I'm just, whatever. It was like, I felt like I was trying to convince them. Like, this stuff works. Trust me on this. And then they were like, well, you should probably say this. You should say that. And, you know, I played the game. I did the show and it rocked.

It rocked, you know. You're bad motherfucker You've had a lot You've been movies of Chivalta Yeah I remember I did the CD I remember I had the CD At the time I had three CDs now

At that time you go You go see you deserve a CD You've been on the Tonight Show Half these cock suckers They have CDs They're not even on anything You know I was like oh thanks Joey

Like that's cool Well you know listen I grew up on Eleven comedians in my world Yeah That was I fans of them Yes and no I recognized them

from different shows. David Brenner, blah, blah, blah, Bapa, Red Fox, Freddie Prince,

the one chick, you know, I knew, yeah, Steve Martin, pa, the other guy, who the fuck knows?

I like, blah, blah, and I would go to a store and I'd go, let me see who's got albums.

Yeah. And I would look and out of the 11 guys that I knew, five of them had albums. So I figured

in your personal career, you had to reach a certain plateau. Yeah. before you put out a fucking album. Well, in 1999, something really weird happened in this town,

everybody started selling CDs. The word got out that there was a living on the road selling CDs. I remember the other comedians had CDs before I did, and I was like, oh, man, I'll buy your CD, it's awesome. And then you'd listen to it, and you'd be like, this isn't that good? Oh, my God. And this went on for two or three years, comics that were dying at the Improv Sixth, nights a week. We're taping CDs

with that company and this company. Were they even editing them or was it just like a recording of that? Yeah, they edited it and they put it together and then the company sold it for you and you walked around insecure because nobody approached you and it was the weirdest fucking thing Lee. It was this thing that

and you were going, how the fuck this guy is a fucking MC? You'd go do a show in Texas Lee and the people come up to and go, hey man, you have something to sell now. The MC sold T-shirts and a CD the headline of sold the stuff. And I would go, how do you fucking people

sleep at night? Like, what the fuck you, it became? I went to, I went to this comedy club one time that. Everybody had sold that. Like, the whole place, the walls had sponsors. Yeah. Like, after the show, a guy would, hold on, let me get your pay.

And a dentist would come over and give you 200, or lawyer would give you 200. The dude who sold flowers and meat, because they put billboards up. That's how they paid you. The club didn't pay it. Wow. It was the weird I did like two or three clubs like that and then if they sold tickets to club, we'll give you

like an extra. Here's $100, man. You did really well tonight. You don't even know these fucking people. They didn't know who you were. There's nothing open. The only thing that's open is a fucking, the police station you know, in those days. That's it. That's not that's open. When this place when the headliner would get off stage

the town shut down, there was no pussy, the hotel. You had to ring the bell and some lady answered the fucking, you have no idea. You have no ideally. You know what? No, not only back, that was pretty, we didn't have

cell phones back then. You go on the road, you just got like a bag of quarters, maybe a calling card. Calling cards. I gave those people a half a fucking million dollars. You call your answer machine if it ring four, like once. Wasn't it something like if it ring four times, then no messages. If it ring once

you have a message, I mean, all this bullshit, you know, but yeah, with sponsors and stuff? It was comedy became something else. And I didn't crack. I didn't crack until Vic Thumblock came to me with his company at Las Vegas, laughing hyena, whatever the fuck they are. And we did that CD at the ice house. And they gave me $15 a minute.

And I remember sitting there, stretching that motherfucker of the debt. I ran that light. I did a fucking hour and a half. And when they called me and said, I remember them going like 46 minutes. And I'm like, my head just started clicking times $15. That's great. That was like a huge paycheck for me. Then they gave me 100 CDs to sell.

I drew them away. I didn't sell one of them. Wow. And they were like, hey, you want more boxes? Because I think the first deal they gave you, but then the second they charge you $8.99. God, I heard. And you sold them for 10.

People were doing that. Oh, my God. It was terrible leave. So I said, you know what? I ain't selling them no more. And they started selling the truck stops and shit. Yeah. It was just awful.

I heard Jeff Foxworthy's, you might be a redneck. His first one was, like, they gave him 400 bucks for it back in the 80s. And then that shit went on, you know, he's famous from that. You might be a redneck. The guys that gave me my CD deal, the first one was the Lane Brothers, you know, up in, did you ever do Planet Gemini and Monterey? The reason I did is they used to be recording artists in Canada, so they had it all set up in the club. You know, back, I mean, now you could do it anywhere, but like at the time I was like,

oh, they said, we should make a CD, we'll do it, we'll help you, we'll produce it, we'll record it. So I thank them for getting me into that world, you know. that world of having a CD having it on Sirius X-Am and these places and stuff I never wanted to tape a fucking CD I never really thought I was good enough when I taped those CDs

I can't lie to you early on it was for Coke money I looked at it just for Coke money and to send child support or whatever fucking necessity I had in those days you know it was never to me I wasn't going to hawk it so it wasn't going to get out there

why wouldn't you sell it are you fucking kid that's not what I want to do I knew those things were shitty I just went up there. Like I said, I would sit at home. I never forget sitting at home. It was a Sunday night show. And they wired the ice house and sitting at home and going,

I'm just going up there throwing an hour and a half together. And hopefully it'll keep an hour. Like an hour was like $3,000 later. They were going to give me a check for. But I got 47 minutes or something. I forget what the fucking figure was. But I wasn't thinking from an artist standpoint. I was thinking from a junkie's fucking standpoint.

I sold two of them like that. I did two of those deals. like that somebody made a lot of money. We did the thing at the Ice House, the Latino Something Festival, that got sold over to, the dude already had him sold. He sold 400,000 copies.

Oh, the Kloco's thing? Before Kloco. Payaso, Gamaverini's time? Before Paiasso. This is 2002. They gave us $1,500. Again, Lee, $1,500 in my world,

in 2001, 2002 was $20 million to a normal person. They said come up to the ice house and they'll fucking tape. It was done through Jan. Jan ran the whole deal. That's why when I got mad I almost sued Jan

because I bumped into a soldier and he goes, bro, how much money do you get for this? And I go, $1,500. Why? He goes, I went to like six different places where they have like stuff for soldiers. Yeah. This was at all of them. He goes, All of them, and every soldier's buying them, because they're into fucking comedy.

And they couldn't bootleg shit over there, so they were buying them. They sold 400 copies. We were supposed to get 3%. Rudy, me, Jeff Garcia. Oh, shit. Everybody got beat. Yeah, so I contacted Rudy finally in 2005. I had an attorney with Rudy, and a couple of us went after them, and they had 19 companies.

I mean, it was weird. Like, you just, wow, they robbed me. But now you know that. That's the deal 90% of the times when these guys, when they give you money, they'll say, yeah. You know, so wait a second. So hold on. Let me get this straight. Yeah.

So my buddy Lee, who is a part-time sound engineer, they'll come in. We could rent the equipment, right, Lee? Yeah. We could rent the equipment correctly? I'm just asking you. Sure. We go to Harvey's and Hollywood, rent the equipment, wire it. We can even pay a guy $500 to wire the room for us sitting there,

tape two shows, charge $10. at the door. Everybody can make money here. And then you guys take it, clean it up, take a picture of me, send some fucking eighth grader to take a picture of me with a phone with ukulele. You put some

graphic designers for another hundred. You're on a CD. And you have a CD. How much is the case with the CD now in Hollywood? What do you get for a thousand? Oh. A thousand of them you could get them were taped on them. Okay. You know, Lysayette, you me and Darren, because why are

someplace that we get for free. And guess what? You're going to charge the comedian right off the back. The comedian, you know, the very guy that recorded it. It's amazing. So we could do this for $3,100. But when you get the bill from them, they're like, oh, no, it cost this $22,000. That was a guy from Warner Brothers that shot Jurassic Park. The first one,

he won an Academy Award. Not really him, his brother. But he lives under his identity now because the brother went to Mexico. And you're sitting there listening to this going, wait a second. There's multi-channel. have friends that tape this shit for $3,000. What are you telling me $36,000? So even though they'll sell $400,000 copies,

they're telling you that it was oh yeah, yeah, but it costs us $325,000 to produce it. Tell me, like, what that company tried to do. They tried to hire you for $18 an hour, half what you usually make, and then pay us no money. They want to pay you wholesale

and pay us wholesale, and that's how they make a shitload of money, and they release a CD and a DVD, you're special, and bang it out for $20. And they tell you the same thing. It's like when you get a book deal. They give you $100,000 advance. On your first book, you're not going to see

another fucking dollar. You're not going to see another fucking dollar. On the second one, yeah, they'll start sending it. And then if you become Stephen King, they fucking walk the check to your house and rub you. What do you think you'll do with the book? Because I know you're writing a book. Are you going to self-published or go through a company?

I don't know. I don't know. I have a guy. Because you think about that, right? You think about everything. Everything you just said, you're like, man, if I, you know, because you have an operation and people love you, they know you and it's like, You have the thing online and you want to do the best. Listen, you walk into a bookstore, you see the book you wrote for 2295. Yeah.

And you didn't get a dime from that. Meanwhile, you could put the book on for, and you know that the people that work hard, they're going to look at this book and go, Joey, we're going to buy it for you, but $22 for a soft cover? I know. What the fuck are you? What the fuck are you? Well, meanwhile, you can put the same book out with people.

pictures and a little bit more intimate. You know, these are your fingers type deal. You can charge five bucks on an e-book, and people love that shit. Yeah, they want to order the soft cover. Lees the fucking in charge of the soft cover production. It'll staple

it for you. Yeah, you'll even get to watch Netflix. You'll even get to watch your show. Just sit there stapling it as you're watching it as the new black. Get the fuck out of here. Gracie Barra Leeds. Thank you for listen. Sovara. Happy birthday, whatever their fucking name is.

Quinn, I love you, cucket, Patrick DeGia, whatever. George, Harry Henderson, Noah Rao, and John Shute. I don't know who the fuck these people are, but, you know, I love you. Don't forget I'm going to be a wise guy's this weekend in Salt Lake City, and next weekend laugh motherfucking Boston, you know what I'm saying? Where you still travel a lot, my brother? Still travel, yeah. Twitter at Darren Carter.

I put my dates up there, my website, Darren Carter. I'm going to be Thursday, July 2nd. I'll be at the Ice House with Steve Simone Stage 2 at the Ice House. I'm at Flappers this weekend. Father's Day weekend. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Look at you.

It's right there. You're back to you out with the Christians. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I'm doing Texas. Speaking of high-niness. Yeah. Are you going to hi-hienes? Yeah, Randy's still, he's got one club? He's still around. No, he's got three of them now. Where? I'm going to be in Dallas, Fort Worth, and then he has a new one in the, I don't know what part of town.

They say it's the wealthy area, wherever that is. Frisco. He's done well from something like that. But the fucking, the condo they put you in in Dallas, oh my God. It's a hotel now, so I don't know what it was like back then. I got some good fucking blow there. The bartender was dirty and white. Oh, she was hardly dirty and white.

And she had a dirtier boyfriend. And he used to sell a Coke for like $10. And she'd give it to me. And right behind there, there was a blood. black dude that cooked pork chops. He put it on white bread. He had the hot sauce with the crust around and black hair and shit.

You didn't give a fuck, Lee. He just took that hot sauce and he'd have cans of soda for a dollar. Fuck I'm hungry. A pork chop fucking sandwich outside the comedy. Let's go to the subway. No, don't take him. Let's go to subway. I leave my buddy alone. He's got turkey at the house now. Correct them. I can't. I'm not going to eat tonight.

Why not? Because you eat this late? They need it just sits there. You're going to fucking eat tonight. I'm not. What do you got at the house to eat? Tell me the truth. Not much. Paul and I, like, I haven't gone to the story yet this week.

Sure, you're right. You're big money. He's at lunch, dinner, eggs. Eggs for everybody. Fresh squeezed orange juice. Thanks for everybody. He's a big shot. Wait till next April.

You're sitting here. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't have tax money. I'm going to say, yeah, with a breakfast. I know. We never go for breakfast. No, you don't do nothing. You're the only you cook breakfast.

We do. The fuck out of you. You haven't cooked that egg in 10 fucking years. I was good at it, but then I've kind of gone downhill. I always break the yolk. And then you just scrambled that motherfucker? I know I do, but it just... Putting on a bagel with a nice tomato slice or salt and pepper.

Who's better? I don't want to do you. It's a contrast. A tomato cools down the fucking egg. Lee, I'm trying to teach you how to be in your... But then you have hot tomato. That's the worst. What hot tomato?

You have no hot tomato. It's still cold. You put the tomato... Lee, I'm telling you get the hot sauce and you're pouring on the bread so it gets in there, it absorbs it. The Franks hot sauce What do you think you deal with you're going to tell you went to date Not at big wings with my wife

You did You fucking I got six wings banging Leave the blue cheese It was banging The celery I must eat 80 pieces of sticks with it I love the celery now You don't like the carrots? I like carrots

No I don't touch those fucking carrots Why? I don't like that they're too hard for me Carrots remind me a prison Every time I ate a lot of carrots in prison Because you're hungry You know what I'm saying Yeah

Ron Jeremy back That's the same thing I thought about I'm like oh no Ron Jeremy would play the harmonica Between fucking That was a weird show What did he do? Ron Jeremy came in with Denizov

Who I love You know what that book is at the top of the desk And every time I'm gonna fly I'm gonna take that book to read And I always forget I gotta take it I gotta put it in the fucking bag and read it Darren you've been around this town for a lot

long time. Right there, that's a talent. That's what people don't get in this town that you're going to have highs and lows. And what burns me up about this town is, since we've been here, a lot of people have come and gone. People with big dreams that cornered you at the store with three drinks in you and told you how CBS was going to give $600,000 and you're sitting there. Look at these guys going, wow, this guy really believes this.

And then when they disappeared, you know, and to think we're still here. We're still doing spots You know We're still Irrelevant We're still in the game We still get spots You know

I'm not crying to you Going I don't know what's going on You know I'm sick and tired I'm going to the store on Mondays I'm waiting around For them to pick me Those days would never

Either we In my world I went for it Like a barracuda Yeah And I went for it And once I bit in I sank my teeth

And I got better And I And that's the name of the game I really got to applaud you And I wanted to put you on for a long time. I just didn't know what to talk about. And I really wanted to talk about the pain of wanting because we don't have parents. I thought it was really important to get it out there.

There's a lot of people out there that lost their parents that they sent me emails. They listened to the show. I think, yeah, you know, I think about that, especially on like Father's Day, Mother's Day, like the real parents. Not, you know, like, and I got to say being a dad now, like my son is seven years old. Absolutely. It's like, no, it's like starting over like a fresh start. I love my son so much. You know, I really appreciate being a father and being the best father that I can be to him.

You know, like a strong bond. Like I, you know, like I said, I talked to my real dad today. Like I'll call him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did. It's like, you know, I talked to him. I hadn't talked to him in a while. Like, you know, I haven't talked to him this.

This is the first time I talked to him this year, you know, and when I do that, he's. How old is he now? He's in the 70s. You know, he's a character. He's very regret. He stopped partying when he was like, you know, probably like in his 50s, you know. So he said he got his life together in his 50s, you know. And, you know, he's a character, man.

I like him when I do, but it's not a father, though. It's like a character. It's like a friend or like a, you know, he is my dad. But it's, you know, he'll tell me these stories. And I'm like, oh, it's entertaining, but I'm like, you know what I mean? Like, come on, dude. He went to fucking San Guit. and then, you know, in these bar fights and stuff and how they, you know, he used to be a,

not a bounty hunter, but a collector and all that kind of stuff. It's weird. Like, I'm a very, not the word, like, docile, I'm very, peaceful. Peaceful, that's the word. And then this dude is like, you know, when he was, you know, a big, just a crazy biker guy, but now he's calmed down. And so, yeah, I talk to him and stuff. And, you know, I do have a little bit of a, I do have a connection with him.

gotta say with my son, you know, that's a whole of the world, you know. It's important for me too. Every time I see him, my son, several times a day. I mean, he probably thinks I'm weird, but I'm like, Austin, give me a hug. Stop, wait, just give me a hug. You know, and I hug him all the time.

A lot. I love hanging out with him. I love being his dad and, you know, it's, uh, when you talk about mercy, it's like, I love it, you know. You know, you, it's a new beginning, right? You know? It's been very interesting. And it's very interesting what I've learned about myself by looking at her do little things.

I'm like, Jesus Christ, that was me. Tonight when I left, she had a backpack on a hat, glasses, beads, two binkies, a bottle, and a thing of cereal on a container. And she was trying to climb up the bed. And my wife looks at me and I go, you know, Terry, you act surprised. I knew it. I've known this for a couple months that she's out of her fucking mind. Yeah. And I love it.

And in my world, I'm not going to fight what she is. She's already, I can see where we're going. It doesn't take a fucking genius. You look at her, I see my mom, I see a little bit of me. Yeah, you do. I see a little bit of my wife. I see a little bit of my dad or what I think it's my dad. I see a little bit of her granddad.

So it's very interesting how everything comes to light in front of you. So when you look at your son, in a way, yeah, he could be a day. There's a piece of him. It just makes sense, man. It just... Lee, someday you're going to look at your boy. You're going to be a great dad, Lee. I can tell you.

You want to do it. I do. But Friday's, there's no nine fucking shows, cox. You've got to get up and throw the ball around. But I was thinking about it when you told me he was going to be on because I grew up with a dad like you. My dad worked nights all the time.

And then, like, weekends. And, like, I noticed it. I was never, like, upset. I never really cared about him not being at sports or things. But I noticed that you guys do make an effort to... to really be there for your kids. And it's like with that kind of job, there are going to be things that you're going to have to miss,

which sucks. But it's like you have to gauge how much it's going to affect them. I've said it once. I've said it a thousand times. There's no perfect parent and there's no perfect book on parenting. But once you have a child, unless you're fucking retarded or an imbecile,

you immediately, as you're raising your child, you see the holes. you know your mom tried real hard, but she was a new mom. So now you have a chance to fill the holes that she didn't. Because now you know what you think you needed. Are you with me sometimes?

You know what? He needs his hug because I didn't get that hug eight times a fucking day. You know, I didn't have somebody that look at me every hour on the aisle and go, oh, you know, I love you, right?

Yeah. And they don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but eventually I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I think so, yeah. Okay, and you're going to irritate them, but you've got to remind them. So on the way out of something

does bad happen to you, God forbid. He's going to go, you know what? The last time I seen that, Con-Sucker, he told him you love me. So if you go, yo, go in your room, pick up the fucking room, and pick up that pencil and do your homework. Daddy, I don't love you no more.

And right away, I got to go, you knock on the door. What? I don't want to talk to you. Just remember one thing. I love you, cocksucker. They always know that. That's the doubt I had about my dad.

My mom, I know my mom loved me. I can never sit to one of you guys and cry and say she did the things she did because she came from a family of nine and they lived in a fucking bedroom. So she never wanted me to be poor. So she gave me my own bedroom. She went out of her way. That's what we do.

We try to get. And it's such a cliche. It's such a cliche, you know. You want your child to go to college. Even though you're sitting and go, it's 2015. Kids are getting fucked in. the ass already go to college. You know, what's it going to be like in

2035? You don't have to suck 18 dicks just to get in admissions and your daughter's going to have to do porn and your son's got to be, you know, how much is it going to cost to put your son in college in 35, 20 fucking years. If it costs this now, how much more overpopulated?

But you know what? We don't have to worry about right there right now. Darren Carter, I love your cocks sucker. I love you, man. I love this podcast. I love it. I love it. This is one of my favorite ones. I listen to it. I'm like, God, you guys motivate me. Like that thing you said about getting up early on Mondays, just take the world by the balls. No, what are you going to do? What are you going to sit there? Don't get me started, Lee, because I can ride it. I love you, Lee, but I had to say that

to you because, you know, you were here and I need Getus. Forget it. Everybody needs Getus every day. The first thing we do is part of church members. We've got a responsibility to our families, our friends, our habits, our coke habits, whatever habit you have, your responsibility to it. So the first thing on your place, every morning is Guitus because long and gone, when everybody else is gone, at least you're going to have that half a yard. And if you're doing what you do,

it'll take you two hours to make that half a yard. But there's no way in this world today if you're trying to get ahead on a Friday, can you sit there for 22 hours and once? Did you go to subway that day? No, we didn't go to subway? You only left to eat, didn't you? No, we go to the gym?

No, we go to the gym. Joey, see what I did on the back of these? CDs. I did that as a sort of a gift to myself and my son. I put them on the back of each one. Just because I love him so much. That's very nice. Isn't that cool? Look at me and giggle.

Stay-at-home stripper. Armenian farmer. That's right. Chocolate diet. Snoop Lion. You're a bad motherfucker. Who produced these Judy Brown? Hell no. Fuck that there, you bitch. Look at that. She's over there taking more money, More money, more money.

More money. 15%. She wants to book you in Ontario. What the fuck? What happened? I revive. You know what I'm saying? Lee, what's up in your world? Talk to me. What's on the agenda? I might be going to Toronto this summer. I'm really excited.

You ain't going nowhere, right? You haven't even got clearance from Uncle Joe where you can't go to the other one. Listen, you're Jewish. They've got Nazis up in Toronto. I don't. They got good people. They stab you.

And then it's all over. Who are you going up to Estimau? Yeah. All right. That's a pot place? Yeah. He's going to do that. Yeah, but I'm going to do a live flying to radio and a podcast summer.

A live flogging to radio. You and Simone? Well, Simone, maybe, but then also the, since my podcast is about, like, younger people doing stuff, I had the promoter. It's going to be on it. So I thought, like, young comedians could come and, like, hear it from the promoter's support of you. I like that. He's got to think, what were you doing at 25?

I like it. That's what he's trying to do, please. That's cool. So, yeah. So just look out for it on Twitter. I know I'm high right now, but I actually... I know you're very excited. Your wife gave you tickets for infected mushrooms.

Hell yeah. July 2nd. I got two hits ecstasy stashed for you. You're going with her? Hell yeah. You want some ecstasy. Can you dose her? Well, just take some stars, dude.

No, there's no stars. Stars are, yes, that'd be so cool. No, there's no stars there. You got to take, you got to jump up and down with some ecstasy and then get her home and, you know, dab with the fucking Jewish Damienka juice. Just dab it on it. Drop that fucking dirty. You're doing all right? I'm doing great, man.

Good, good, good. Let's go to our people here so we can fucking abandon ship. For starters, honor.com. I love these motherfuckers. Right here, people. Always a fucking handful of way. Alpha brain. The starship product, the motherfucking product that put them on a map.

You understand me? Complete earthgrown, neutropic with Alpha GPC and AC11. Ask me what AC11 is. I have no fucking idea. but it's A-C and 11 It's got to be good for you somewhere along the line No, no, no, no. I'm joking. Let me tell you.

Money, 100% money back, guarantee and they don't want the fucking product back, all right? That's honor.com for you. Go to Onet. See the great selection of other health supplements that they have, whether it's the Shroom Tech, whether it's the new mood,

whether it's the ham protein, whether it's the T, testosterone, to get you recovery, stuff like that. They got an assortment thing. Don't listen to me. I'm a fucking moron. Go to Onit.com. Do me the favor. You know, I'm here on a Monday night with you, Coxuckers. Go to Onet.com. See the great

selection of the tropics, whatever they got. Go into the box and press in. Church. Boom. And get 10% off, all right? You also got the fucking stay on it program where they mail it directly

to your house on the first. No drama. You can put it on your card, however you want to do it. All right? Number two, you You're thinking of quitting smoking, or you're thinking of walking around like Johnny bananas. Hit E-6. They got a cigar, 1,200 guaranteed hits. And they also got other E-Hit cigarettes from zero to 24 milligrams. It goes down to 16 and 8, all right?

But the most important thing about hit E-sigs, 1,200 guaranteed puffs. You're sitting there going to 7-E-11 hanging out with those ISIS motherfuckers, buying those Israeli fucking eight cigarettes, wait till one of them blows up in your fucking eyeball. And you got a patch. That's what happened to the guy that sells me ash. A heat cigarette blew up on the... The one I drew. The one I drew.

And it didn't blow up here, blow it up in Belgium. He was hanging out some oxygen. I don't know what the fuck happened. I don't ask questions. But anyway, if he would have a one with Hittie Sigsig cigarettes, he would still have two fucking eyes. You understand me? My point is, go to Hitties6.com right now

and look at the great selection of flavors they have. But most importantly, tremendous. e-cigarettes and cigars. Go to the box and press in. Joey Church. Boom! And get 20% off... No, no, 5 for 50.

5 for 50. I'm sorry, 5 for 50. Who do you think you're dealing with? They're usually 16... 1999. We're going to give you 5 for 50. Get a cigar and get the 32, the 26, the 8, the 60...

And get the zero, Cuck, sucker, all right? Now that we got that over with... How about... How about... Los Guis, Hermannos, aka... NelditLife.

What? NailedinLife.com. You want a vapor pen? Those are the motherfuckers to hook up. Dave and his brother, what's his name? Peter. They're there for your customer service. In fact, some kid hit me on Facebook there. They got to hit them back.

Something happened with a vapor pen delivery. I don't know if something happened. I don't ask questions. It's got nothing to do with me. Anyway, go to Nailedatelight.com, aka Los Guimis and Manoes. They're not going to send your fucking Los Guimis or Manos. mail. What they will send you is a vapor pen

and you can make your own vapor take a chance. Columbus did. Right or wrong. Go to Discovery. I don't fucking know. They got the best vapor pen in the market. Garin's fucking teed and if something happens they'll send you a new vapor pen. They're usually 50. They're giving you what? 20% off. Which makes it what? 40 fucking

gazines for the best vapor pen in the market. Go to Neldonleif.com and press in. Joey Diaz. Boom! And get the best and get 20% off. The best vapor pen. out there in the market. Also, Iron Dragon TV.

Go to Iron Dragon TV right now and receive two classic martial art films. Go to the box and press in. Jilly. Boom! I get two movies delivered right to your fucking house, all right? Darren Carter, the party star. I love you, Coxuck.

You're going to be at the Ice House. Where else? I love you. Thank you. Dallas. Highness. I don't know. It's on my website.

Durancorda.com. Don't eat the pound cake at the condo. I won't. Lisa, yeah. What's up in your world? You know, I love you. Look, it's food tonight. As you're a bad motherfucking Jew.

Ain't nobody going to take that from you, you know what I'm saying? Listen to Paul on Flyingji Radio then. Nice. Got a couple of CDs, stay-at-home strippers on iTunes and Amazon. And that ginger's crazy. Did you say your dates, Joey? Huh? Did you say your dates yet?

Something about Utah. I'm in Utah this weekend. Wise guys, Salt Lake. In the Valley, we're going to have a use time, a good time. Okay. This show it was brought to you by Onit.com. You can eat that Hershey bar? No, no right now.

I'll wait until I have calories. Go to Anit.com. We use Code Word Church to get 10% off all the great optimization products. Go to hitesig.com. Better tasting, longer lasting. The proof is in the vape. E-cigarettes and e-cigars. Use Cordboard Joey's Church to get 5 for 50.

And go to Nail thatLife.com. Also, low-sgoose scumming from Marlins. and use co-broider Joe Diaz to get 20% off the premier favorite pen on the market. ever smile When the pain Make it all right They're in a pot