The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #292 - Aida Rodriguez

Episode Date: June 18, 2015

Aida Rodriguez, Comedian, a Finalist on Season 8 of Last Comic Standing, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Use code word Joey and get your first two meals free! Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
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   Music:
 Freddie's Dead - Curtis MayfieldBurning Sky - Bad Company  

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Good as a guest, baby. The church of what's happened now. Lee Syatt. Uncle Joe. My main homie, Ada. Rodriguez. I'm looking like Whitney on the first album, this shit tonight. Now, Fred is dead.

What's happened, Ada? That's a good fucking album, the first Whitney Houston album. Absolutely, it was. The one with the head, dude? She was like, I don't even know how old she was. That's a good fucking out. Lee, what's the story, Doug? I'm doing good. I almost died last night, but I'm doing good today.

What happened to you? I just, it's my third jiu-tze class, and I think this was the first time that he went hard on me. So we did, it was all shots, and we did one for one, so I do one and he do one. And the first couple times I went, I was with this really small dude. But this time it was a big dude, a guy was even bigger than me. And after that four minutes, I got like 45 minutes through class, and I had to stop. It's an hour and a half class, and I just couldn't, after 45 minutes, I all thought I was going on. because the only other time I've thrown up in sports

is freshman football practice and it was hot in the summer and I had all those pads on and that fucking ghee juditsu grappling yeah I mean it's my third class so I'm not doing anything yet but it's it was just it kept I've never had like what you're saying when you think you're going to pass out

but it just kept getting hotter and it was like 100 degrees yesterday in the valley and I thought I was going to pass out I just took my key off in the room. I just sat down. My leg started, like, shaking. It was bad. I'm worried about you.

You said you haven't done anything, and it's your third class, and you thought you were going to die? It was, what it was, it's shots. So it's like you're sliding in there, and you have to lift the other person up and throw them, and then get up, and then they do it to you,

and then you have to get up and do it, and you're not supposed to stop. So it's just, like, I had gotten through two other classes at an hour and a half, but just that those four minutes just killed me. me. And Zach was really cool about it.

No, Zach, and people are not, listen, you work up endurance in those classes. You know, people always go, well, I got to get in shape to go in there. No, you know, you're going to get in shape by you're going in there. If you go to a strength training class at the YMCA and you haven't worked out in the year, the first fucking two weeks

is going to be a little rough. But then you get the breathing technique down. You start eating better. You sleep the night before, and there's just little adjustments that you make. And the same thing with Jiu-Jitsu, I told you that it was like the first time when the Jiu-Jitsu, I saw stars. I left there like in shock. Oh, yeah.

Like, my body wasn't fucking shock. Like, what the fuck just happened to me? I was on my back breathing heavy. You can't breathe. Oh, yeah, I couldn't. It's hot, so the air is, on the bottom, it's kind of warm. And that ghee makes it 2,000 times hotter.

quicker. Your body can't handle it if you're not used to it. I couldn't cool down. Because when I first started feeling sick, I just stood up and like, well, I'll just take a few minutes. But it just, it kept getting hotter. Usually, like I learned in wrestling to raise your arms above your heads. You can breathe and all that stuff.

But it's just, I had to turn one of those fans on that they have in the windows. And I just sat underneath and I was like, I can't fucking... Bro, next week, you do 47 minutes. Right. And the week after that, you do 15 minutes. The next thing you know, you know, it's...

And that's where people quit. Yeah. That's right there. That's people's breaking point. Man, that was too hard for me. No, it's not. It's going to get easier. The more you go, you know?

Right. It's like fucking stand-up. A lot of j jitzy. Oh, yes. To me, anything like that is just showing up. Just keep showing up. You're going to have good days. You're going to have bad days.

But you keep showing up. You're going to see people dropping off next to you. You're going to go, why? Why are they dropping off? This is easy. It's like muscle memory, you know? Where did you start comedy? I started here.

Did you? So you moved here to start here. Well, I was here before, yeah. I moved here and I started here, and it was not easy. It was not easy here because here you are going up against people who have TV shows. Even if they're not like the best comedians. They're just famous and being a girl. And it's exactly what you said.

I started with a bunch of people who no longer do stand-up. They quit. You know, a lot of people come out here and they have some money saved or their dad gives them a credit card or they come out of college. And I don't think they understand the amount of work that goes into this process. They really don't. I don't think they understand the amount of work that goes into anything of this magnitude. or it's acting, whether it's screenwriting, whether it's, excuse me, whether you get into a play

or maybe you're a dancer on a play. You know, I heard those people rehearse 10 hours a fucking day on Broadway. Ten hour days. I can't fucking rehearse 10 hours, the same shit, regurgitating over and fucking over. That's why I didn't do a play, because, you know. Exactly. But just anything like that. You know, when I was an electrician, okay, I went to CMC, Colorado Mountain College,

and I took a course on basic wiring. And the guy that taught the course was an electrical, what do you call those people? Engineer? No, the other ones, the one that do the inspections. And one day he goes, are you doing this as a job? And I go, no, I'm just trying to take classes. He goes, why don't you do this as a job? You're not bad at this in the classroom because he would take you to a house that was under construction and make you wire it for the final exam.

So I go, I don't even know where to go. He goes, here, take this job over here. And I remember getting a job there. I don't know what they started me at, maybe eight bucks an hour. But the guys that got to you here for like two years, we'll give you 15. And I was like, two years. Two fucking years. Seems like when you're 20, you don't understand two fucking years.

Even when you're 30, you start to understand it. You're like two years. I don't know. I could sell Coke. Yeah. In two years, I could be a fucking millionaire selling Coke with two years, fucking carrying toilets and shit and drilling holes. But, you know, if I were to stuck with it,

Like I stuck with it for six months when I didn't make $55,000 a year. I quit. And I did that with everything, you know. But I knew that once I got to comedy, I knew that for me to even get the first base, I had to work my ass off. Right. You know. But you love doing it, though. Fuck, yeah, I love doing it.

Yeah, I watch you. You're one of the people that I watch. Because I can tell who's lying on stage. Some people lie and when, and then I can tell who's like telling their truth. And I always watch you. And I'm like, why, I can't wait to get to that right there. It's a process because you try to okie-doke your feelings. Yes.

Society okey-dokes your feelings. And with me, I saw Doug Stanhope in 96. And I had never seen anybody that honest on stage. Like everything, you know, my girlfriend and me just broke up, you know, all that. I just came back from supporting the truth. How about a big run the fault of the truth? There was none of that shit. He went into it about his mother's tits that she bent over and his mother's pussy like a spider.

And I'm sitting there going, no, he did not. And that's the bitter truth is the whole thing. It's the whole thing with stand-up. And I know what you're saying when you go down to a club. You know, you know the people who come here, get a big-time agent, and now they're working for a TV show and a deal. And you can tell once the deal comes along, they'll stop doing stand-up. Yeah.

And what a mistake that is. Absolutely. You know, and I saw a lot of those people here. It's like when these Saturday Night Live guys, they get fired, and they try to do stand-up. And it's the worst thing you've ever seen in your life because what you do on Santa Live is bad enough.

You know, it's bad enough. Now you're going to do the fucking artist stand-up and you can't really transcend it. They think in their mind, I could do this 45 minutes. Oh, yeah, so many people. Fuck you. That's right. Fuck you.

That shit on TV with a fucking director saying cut and all the A-Ds and all the fucking interns from NYU giggling. They just happen to be on the set with those dirty stuff. pretty fucks and they were all giggling look how funny they are. Those motherfuckers go out into the world. The other than that

I got to tell you, I went home and I was going through the channels and I stopped on Seth. Roman? No. The guy that from San, the one that has like the news channel. Oh, the late night show. And I left it on and I was in the kitchen feeding the cats. Oh, Myers. There you go. That's not good. That's not that good.

That guy sneaked into that guy's part of those people that wear the glasses. Well, Lord Michael's produces all those shows. So that just... It's the same. It's really fucking wild how you see that. And you're like, this is a part of that, we were talking about last night. Oh, yeah. With those dudes that grow the thick mustaches so people could come after them and say, I love you a mustache.

Yeah, the artsy guys, which in the end of the day, they don't really make you laugh. They're just blowing smoke up your ass with intelligent words. And you sit there, oh, he's so thought-provoking. He's a fucking mutt is what he is. He's a fucking mutt. That guy can't tell the truth to himself. Absolutely. If he had a fucking good day, he couldn't tell the truth.

truth. Have you guys ever seen someone who like, let's say was doing that kind of comedy, like telling their truth, but then the audience just hates it? Like how that might suck if you finally like open up yourself and they just like no audience, like everyone hates you. What depends how you open up yourself. Yeah, I agree. If you go up on stage and say, I just got, you know, I just got, you know, I just got a fucking hate it too. You know, they got a cousin who got cancer. If you go up and say, I went to the doctor because I had an itching my nuts act and it's, I got blown AIDS, you know, but if there's a way to say it, for it to be subtle and for you to get a laugh and for them to sympathize with you but at the same time laugh.

Like Tignatatat Tignitara. When she had the breast cancer, she was really, really clever about, and it was that same day that she went on stage. But it's about, I agree, I think, nobody resents the truth, but people just resent. No, some people resent the truth. Well, well, most people. No. And in this society that we live in here, 68% of them don't want to hear the truth.

they don't want to know the truth. They're so clogged into their world and how good they are for the world. Yes, you're right about that. I stand corrected. That they don't. I see it in, I live in the heart of it in Studio City.

These people are white fucking, there's a word for it that I don't want to say what they are in Studio City. See, the real, real rich people, the real people that matter live by Rogan to live up in the Hollywood Hills and you don't even know who they are. The people that are mid-range rich,

like they've been on a writer for a show for three years. They all live in Studio City. And the parade around, they go to that fucking farmer's market, and they fucking walk around, eat whatever the fuck they eat. Cale. Cale. But they do everything so people could see them. When I go up there on Sundays, I see, you know,

I've told Lee, and I've laughed about this, you know, football season. Okay? You go up there and you see the guy pushing the carriage with the kids, and you see the wife with the ugly girlfriend next to her, saying you're so lucky you have a great husband. Meanwhile, this husband, Fox's secretary, number one, number two. Listen, I got a great wife because my wife never puts it on me. My wife never puts it on me.

They go to a church that I don't really like, but they go there for the baby. Right. You understand me? But I'm from a different color church. It's like, when I was talking to a girl one time, she's like, oh, my God, you missed it today. what's the guy from the drug show, the fucking show.

Brian Cranston, Eric. His father was there today. Oh, wow. Okay, so when somebody comes up to you at a church, like I went to just watch my daughter in the daycare, watch her play with the kids. And the girl was like, you weren't upstairs today? Oh, my God, Brian Cranston's father was up there.

Right away, I couldn't go back to that church. Yes. And that's what it is here. I get it. They go to church to see who shows up. I remember going, first moving to L.A., and somebody going, you're a Catholic. Oh, my God, you have to go to that church on that church.

of Monica. Woods is one of the ushers and the other guy and you get to meet them and I'm like, that's why you go to church because you get to meet people. Because I think they're networking. I get it, right. They're networking. That's the part that bugged me the most. I grew up Jewish

and there's, it's Yom Kippon, Russia, Shana. And every year I used to get pissed off because I'm not religious, I don't go every week, but people would go to that just to be seen like they're always like this. It's a social event. I don't go to church. They're shaking everyone else's

his hand. Yeah. But most people in this town are social parasites. So they're always, that whole networking thing, it goes into everything. It goes into church. It goes into the schools for the kids. The school systems? Oh my God. Yes. You know who such and such is on the PTA? And I'm like,

what the fuck that? I'm not here for that. I'm here to make sure my daughter can read when she leaves this bitch. Yeah, this area here is so fucking fake. Yeah. And the thing that burns me up the most is like I go to Marie E.T. and have coffee sometimes and write.

Oh, yeah, I go over there too. That's a great place. And if you ever go at 9, you really get sick to your stomach. Because you see the women come in. With the yoga pants. With the yoga pants. And they're always in a rush. You know, I go to the other day I go to the park.

I didn't tell you about this lead. I made a mistake the other night. Subway? No, fuck, no. I never made that fucking mistake. I looked at my wife and I go, listen, we're just sitting here. Let's take it to the park at 5 o'clock in the afternoon on the Sunday night. took her to the park and she got on the swing.

That little fucking dirty bitch of mine wouldn't get off the swing till 6.30. That 6.30, she kept going to know her daddy. More swing. More time. More time. But you know what? There was a little girl next to her on the swing.

Cute little blonde girl, maybe five. She was by herself and she kept looking at me. You know, Ada, it's not me to touch somebody else's kid. I got enough problems. You know what I'm like? When you look at me, you're like, I'm going to fuck out of a felony. So I don't mess with nobody's kids.

My wife is, you know, Sarah fucking good shoes. Right, right, right. And I had a grab one time ago. You just walked away from your kid. Yeah, but come here. That's the number one kid. That's right. That could be a Mexican trap.

You go over there to help, and your kid's in a fucking van on the way to Tiwana. You never turn your back on your kid. That's right. I had to grab a tooth. I don't give a fuck the kid bleeding. That could be a Mexican trap over there. You turn around. Your kid's in a fucking van head at the fucking Tiawana.

And what are you doing? You're trying to be sorry fucking Sarah Trying to help some fucking kid Mind your fucking business But I go to that park I do it's true man That's a very Cuban mentality That's a New York City mentality

And New York, yes You don't turn your back on your child ever Ever Ever I don't turn my bad People come up to you the other time Oh my God I love your pot That's great dog but not right now I know

Because I can't look at you in the eye This is what I'm looking at right there I'm looking at that thing playing I don't give a fuck about the podcast Or what you think Or whatever show you we worked on together. You didn't remember me?

I'm friends of Sylvia. And she worked on that show with you, the makeup girl. Remember she has a daughter? Listen, I don't give a fuck, okay? I got my child over there playing in rocks. And you want to come over here and tell me a long-winded story. Get the fuck out of here.

The fuck out of here. I love this truth, though. I grew up in a house with this. This is what I grew up in a house. Well, that's the, you know, it's the true. And people cannot handle it. I've had the last year. Once I hit 49, once I hit 49, something took over me.

When I hit 45, something took over. When I stopped doing cocaine, the real Cuban in me came out. Oh, yeah. Because I remembered that before I was a comedian and before I had to shake somebody's hand because they were at the comedy store or whatever, I'm a man. That's right. And I had to act like a man acts. And a man don't act like that.

Like, look who's here. Oh, my God. You know, we go there because they go over there. Oh, really? I'll go freeze my balls off. You know, I'm just surrounded by fucking sheep in this town. Right. But that's the first thing I focused.

Then the number, two thing I focused was, I'm too old. Like, once I hit 50, wait a second, let me tell you something. I wasn't even supposed to hit 30. I wasn't. I'm telling you, I wasn't supposed to hit 30. Not only did I hit 30, but I hit 50 with a kid and a beautiful wife. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm going to say whatever the fuck I want to say from now.

What are you going to do? Not put me on your stupid TV show. That ship sailed. I drive two blocks and do a podcast from this fine gentleman, and I have a better time than I'd ever do on any fucking set I've ever worked on. This is more fun to me than any fucking set I've ever worked on. And a lot of people love it. I love it.

They love doing this. I love doing this. And, you know, so all that shit went out the window with me. I say shit comes out of my mouth in public now because I don't, listen, here's the deal. I know I flew on a plane with you. Oh, that's right. The black dude's foot. When we took the picture of the black dude's foot with the sandals.

On the Southwest? She fell asleep. Yeah. Some dude got on and just left his foot in the aisle, a size 12 foot just dang. Then the slipper fell off. And it was a dry crack foot. Like, if you spray painted on his foot like cream, it still wouldn't have fucking work. Like spray painted, whatever, that cocoa butter they put on their fucking feet, whatever the fuck it is.

And my tiki cacao, whatever the fuck it is. My mom used to put that shit all over me. hate that shit. The cocoa-ball. Now I put the CVS cocoa butter cream on me. That's tremendous. But that cocoa butter from the stick,

that's primitive shit. Yeah, no, the stick was rough. Put that shit on your lips. You go out in a fucking blizzard, and you come home and your lips are redder than fuck. All these little gentiles with their chapstick and shit, crying. You take cocoa butter,

you pour their shit on your lips before you leave the house. In a blaze of a winter, you come back to your lips. They're fucking juicy, like that crack hole on the corner. Juicy and shit. ate up motherfucking for later in the house. So you started comedy here. How long were you doing comedy before you got picked for the last comic?

How did that process? Oh, no, that was six years in. Six years in. Congratulations. Thank you. You work hard. I saw you out a lot. I do work out.

And you put up with some fools, too. I do. And you know what? I don't give a shit. I just do me because I came from somebody. I grew up in a house with somebody like you. My father equipped me for the bullshit. And he always just taught me.

that it didn't matter. Don't give a shit what anybody says. You know, the number one rule in my house was consider the source. And once you start to consider the source like, What do me mean that? Whatever. He would be like, who told you that? Who told you that?

And then I'd be like such and such. And he'd be like, oh, you mean the crackhead whose mother is fucking her brother? Why do you give a shit what that bitch said to you? We don't kick. So that it made me, it toughens me up. So when I did last comment standing, or like, you're going to have to adjust for the TV show. And I just went in and I did my own thing.

And they said, okay, they didn't ask me to change because I can't change who I am. I grew, I'm not 20. You know, I grew up hardcore. What were you doing before comedy? I was writing, stand up. I mean, I was acting and writing. What did you do for work since you were 18? Oh, I was modeling.

Okay. I am. I modeled and I hated it. I didn't, you know, I used to sneak. In New York? I modeled in New York and in Miami. Okay. And I used to sneak food. I used to tape snickers to the inside of my legs.

And I hated being those people. The people you're talking about, the... Oh, my God. They're the worst. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I'd be like, well, bitch, what? And they go, we don't use that language here. Really, everybody here is having sex with everybody.

They're doing cocaine, smoking cigarettes, but I can't say fuck and bitch, really. Get out. I'm out. I don't belong here. It's a horrible life with these people. It's fucking horrible. The land of make-believe. So, and then my dad would be like, I come home and I have to eat the rice and beans, you know,

and be like, what do you mean, a salad? Oh, yeah, you're going to eat avocados and onions on the side of your food, but you're going to eat your food. Boy, your parents say if you turn vegan. Oh, man, it's a sin, it's a crime, and you get clowns. Oh, I mean, I tried to be vegan, and my father was like, if you don't eat that steak, I'm going to get my belt. A couple weeks ago, I was going to Denver, and Ada was there. lot of Burbank together. She sat next to me. And we started having conversations

about her dad. And I got to tell you, it fucking destroyed my mind. When I got to Denver had to lay down and think about it, and I had to think about my daughter in the future because I have a lot of the same tendencies, you know, but we came from the same cut.

Now, again, I don't want people to get the wrong impression. There's two types of Cubans. There's Pasadena Cubans who don't know they got black blood in and they parade themselves. They won't even listen to Mambo music in the house. And then you got Cubans from this cut that your dad and my mom came from. Yes.

That they grew up, you know, when I was a kid, my mom would always go, you know, why do you have a scarf on? I put a scarf on. I put a scarf on. I put a scarf in with a nut. And my mom would say, what are you, Rock Hudson? Oh, that's so funny. Did I tell you about this? Yeah, I'm a plane. And my mom would always say, well, my mom died in 79. And when I was a kid, whenever I would comb my hair on the wrong side,

I think he's supposed to part it on the left side. Yes. Whenever I parted on the right side, my mom would go, what are you, Rock Hudson? And for years, I kept saying, why do you fucking call me Rock Hudson? And she goes, Rock Hunts is a fag. And I go, what the fuck? What the fuck are you talking? Because growing up, she told me everybody was gay.

Bruce Lee was gay. Oh, absolutely. Elvis was gay. You know, that was their sense of humor. Batman was a fag. When she told me Batman was a fag, it broke me. Yeah. It broke me for two.

And then she would sing me this song, Batman, El Marikong, Batman, Mama Melapinga, Batman, Coelang Kool-A-Kulo. Batman, Batman, I would sit there. Ah, ah, Batman is not a fag. So when she told him about Rock Hudson, she just cracked me, I'm like, that's it. And I was a little older. If she died when I was 15, this is when I was about 12 or 13, and she goes, what are you talking about? He's gay. he's gay, gay, gay, gay.

And I'm like, Ma, he played cowboy. He did this movie. And I go, how do you know that? She goes, when I was a little girl, and he would come to town, what do you think I'd do? Sit in my house, poor? I'd go down and I put my best dress on, and me and 18 girls would go down there see who could suck his dick first. And he wouldn't leave his hotel room. He'd be up there with a young man. Yeah. And I'm like, Mom, come on. She had gayed on.

And 85, he came out gay, and I had to fucking put a candle on her grave because she wasn't lying to me. She was right. My mom's favorite expression was, Ma, I don't like that steak. And she would look at me and go, I don't like sucking dick either, but somebody's got to do it. I would fucking crack. Like, it took me 12 years to even want to know what sucking dick meant. She'd say, Mama, binga. And I would make believe, like, I didn't even hear it, like, ah.

I know Ma'amara and I know penga. Together. It doesn't go together. It doesn't go together. My mom don't suck no dick. But that's how they talked at the house. And you were just telling me story after story about your dad and how. he would go to school and watch you and say,

I'm watching your shit. Oh, yeah, he used to stop me as cool. And I have the same tendencies. I have the same tendencies. I have a friend, and they have an eight-year-old girl. And I love her, like she's my own daughter. Like, I love him. They're Filipino.

Today I found a basketball camp for it on Groupon. I'll do. For like $85 for a month. And he's like, thank you, bro. He goes, you really like Jade, don't you? I love Jade. I've known Jay's his three. You know, I like girls, you know, so I could just imagine, like, as they get older, I get involved and stuff.

I have a daughter, that's 25. And when she was three, she was having a problem in her daycare in Boulder, a Gentile. This is the capital of Gentile. So a kid kept biting her. Oh, yeah. And I remember telling her, like, you got to go in there and punch him in the mouth. And she would look at me like, Daddy, I don't know what you're talking about. Well, just punch him in the mouth.

We'll never bite you again. And sure enough, one day I got to. the call, she smacked the kid, the kid never bitter again. And the mother's like, I wonder where he got, where she got that from. Like, it was unheard of to them. Right. But my Cuban blood, that's how you stop. A kid biting you in the fucking hand, you know.

My dad used to tell us, you hit him in the hair with a stick. Find a stick. You hit them as hard as you can and then you run home. I got it from there. And we listened. Because I would rather hit you on the head with a stick than to go home and have to deal with him. And those were the consequences. My brother hit this kid in the back of the head one time because he was beating up my brother and my other brother and hit him in the back of the head and ran home.

And my father was like, Obita et so. Obelete. That means forget about it. I got it. And that was out how we dealt with stuff. It's a different society. I get mad at my mother sometimes. Sometimes the middle of the night or think of something.

Right. And I'll say, what the fuck was she thinking? And then I'll go, Jesus Christ. At least she didn't lie to me. Yeah. I agree. You know, I have cousins in Miami. That father went to jail and they never told he went to jail.

They told me they went to college. That was the big thing. A lot of Cuban houses and a lot of homes. He's going away to college. He's working on a ranch in Montana. Elehesito. Elehedsito, whatever that means, the army. And then later on, 20 years later, they find out and they get mad.

My mom told me everything as it came up. Yeah, me too. Like by the age of six, I really, like my mom used to have a birthday party for me every year. And she'd have two piñatas, one for the kids, and one for the adults. The ones for the kids were straight up. The ones for the adults had a little cocaine in there. The aluminum foil.

When they would pull it, my mom would go, get in there, pick up the aluminum falls for mommy, bring them back to mommy. You know, like, I knew what was going on. I didn't like it. I wouldn't tell my friends. I wasn't allowed to tell my friends that my mommy and daddy do coke. That was not.

The way they raised me, I wasn't allowed to even talk. Oh, you always said no. No, no. Me, Aoi Gaya, the three monkeys. That's the rule of the house. Whatever happens in this house, you look, no ears, no, it was, you know, do I want to raise my daughter like that? There's so many aspects of that raising that you have to pass on. You told me something today that your dad used to always tell you.

Every day was a different saying. It was like, you know, he used to be so, we sit around now and we make fun of him and we talk about, like, all the different sayings that he used to. to say, but he used to always say, you know, tell me who you hang with and I'll tell you who you are. Dime con who I and I tell you who are. Like, he used to observe all of our friends. Like, I would bring, I brought this girlfriend of my home and my father was like, that's a puta, me, she's a whore.

And I was like, what do you mean? How do you know that by just looking at her? He said, Esa Tiena cote de puta. She's cut like a hoe, and I know a hole when I see a hoe, because I know hoes. How old were you when he started talking to you like this? Oh, I was young. I was young. That was 12.

And he talked to you. All of us, like all of us. It used to be like that. It was in each room. Well, he'd pull you to the side and go, that guy. Yeah, no, no. With her, he'd be like, this one right here is a whole. But if need be, he would.

If it took, let me, I had a friend that was, my mother's friend was gay and came over to the, and used our bathroom. And my father, my father was like, go get it gloro. Go get the bleach. So we used to have to bleach the toilet every time because he was like about AIDS had just come out and he was like, he was so ignorant. And he was like, I don't know. The news said last week that you could only get this way, this way.

What are they going to say next week? I got two virgins in the house and you got to go clean the toilet. Like my dad was just, and he was sexist and that's just who he was. We had to take three showers a day, the girls. And I would be like, Daddy, why I got to take three showers? And Chino has, he's like, because you have a Cucci. And your Cucci sweats in the middle of the night. And when you get up in the morning, you got to watch that Coochie.

And when you go to sleep, you got to go all the time. All the time. Cubans, they love when you shower. My mom would tell me on my ass stunk. Oh, yeah. Even in the morning. You got to wash that ass in the morning because your ball stink. Yes.

You know, I take three showers now because of what? My mom instilled in me. Sometimes Lee's like, oh, I got up at two and went out. No shower. When I go to Starbucks and I see a woman with her hair fucked up the night before, I want to tap her on the show and go, what, you don't have time to watch that? that disgusting snatch.

Because if your hair looks like that, can you imagine what your pussy smells like? That's my dad. Are you fucking crazy? So that's my dad right there. My dad would be like, oh, you know. Are you fucking kidding me? It's 10 in the morning.

Your hair still fucked up, or you're still out from the night before and you think you're cute. You didn't watch that fucking monster between your legs. That's what you. Lee, there was no watching the smurfs without washing your ass.

It was like you, we would have to get up in the morning, take a shower, brush our teeth, comb our hair, put our clothes on, and then we were able to go sit down and watch cartoons. There was no lounging with snot in your nose. My mother used to make me breathe on it, make sure I brush my teeth in cargo

before I ate breakfast dog. Absolutely. It is something that I don't think my mom ever lied to me. I'm sure she lied to me about big stuff, but life stuff. Oh, no. My mom had this thing when she'd come home at night. And this was from the time I was six, you know. She used to get home from the bar at 3.30, and she'd always wake me up with food.

This is after she got married, and it was our time. It was our 20 minutes. She'd wake me up, and I'd get up, and she'd be drunk and fucked up. But she'd tell me about her day and what her feelings were and what she wanted for me. And she'd cry a little bit. She'd think of my sister in Cuba, and that was hard time. And she'd tell me about things that I wasn't supposed to know. and she'd tell you this guy came in today

I gotta watch him you watch him too she told me about my stepdad he's a fucking cock sucker watch you know she would treat me as an adult my mom always spoke to me as an adult

like they never disrespected me they never made me I was never told to go into another room you know some people come to your house and your parents like go on the other room my mother never had to tell me to go in the other room I knew when I'd get up and go in the other room

I knew when I would watch TV and they'd be talking about numbers and numidou and give them more 20,000 and this and that. I'd watch TV and I'd listen to the conversation but it had nothing to do with me. That's right, because we were taught to mind our business. My mom

used to always a little nino, how long? Like Iena? Man. That means kids talk when roosters piss and they don't piss. They don't piss. So you can't say a fucking word. Yeah. You know, I couldn't ask my mom what was for dinner. Yeah. We don't have that option.

What's for dinner? Unta. Miedda. Shit, what the fuck you're asking for? Whatever it is, you're going to eat it. What's for dinner? What's a perlana? What's a perlana?

That means a big dick wrapped up in cotton. That's some shit. I mean, dog, that's how they talk to you. So you knew where you stood, you know? I have a, you know, I was very touching my wife. If I bring something home, she has to, and there was an expression in mind, don't talk it not, talk at cuckoole. That means don't touch nothing.

Touch your ass. Touch your own ass. You don't touch nothing. You know, those people that want to look? They don't have to look at nothing. Go fuck you, though. You know, they were, and it taught me, you know, it's like, so we were having a comment, and Lee thinks I'm crazy.

About what? Like, a lot of times you'll bring something up, and I go, it doesn't even matter. It's like tonight, my wife got a hotel in San Diego. I swear they got you, she goes, listen, I don't know if you know, this is hotel in San Diego, is not smoking. I go, I'm still going, like, it blew her mind. You know me 15 years. I go, every hotel I go to it is non-smoking.

She goes, oh. Yeah, every hotel I go. Whether it's not smoking or not, I'm still going to smoke. I have to think about stuff now before I call you about things. I'm like, what would he say if I told him this? Oh, yeah, because he kills, you know. And I still messed up like once or twice a week. Like, there's something new.

Yesterday I was at the Y. And I saw a black lady who, the most things she wanted in this life, was to be white. when she wakes up in the morning, every morning she looks like her skin, she starts crying for 10 minutes. This lady wanted to be white so bad. You ever been to the North Hollywood wine? It's a thin fucking hallway. Yeah.

Where do you think this fucking white wannabe stood? Right in the middle talking to a Chinese chick who spoke Russian. I was like, hi, and I'm like, I can't believe I'm living through this. So I was waiting for my wife and my daughter to come out of the swimming pool. I just swam with them. I came out first. I'm sitting there. And I'm listening to this black chick.

And people are going up to going, excuse me. You know, people with 8 kids. Like, you're in the fucking middle. And you don't, you want to be white, but you're failing the number one prerequisite. You know what I'm saying? Which you're in the way. Get the fuck out of the way.

And the Chinese woman, you could see she wanted to get away. Okay. See at the school benefit. And let me tell you something. I got your, but she wasn't talking black. I'm sorry. I got your email and blah, blah. And finally I go, oh my God.

And she just looked at me and she got the head. And the fucking thing broke. Like, I got to say what's, I can't do it no more. I can. You got to the point where you, that's how my dad is. I had to chip in. I had to help this poor fucking Chinese lady out. She wanted to get the fuck out of there.

And whatever this lady, just wanted to talk. They want to talk. They do, you ever go to a meeting? Yes. You ever get a call to go to a network meeting or something. They want to talk. And you sit there. And the whole time.

they're talking, all you're thinking about is driving on the 405. Yeah. Every minute, you're going on at the clock going, they're talking about nothing. And I got to go back. Why did I even come down here? Because God forbid, they can't tell their friends they had the word meeting. Because it's so huge. I have a meeting today.

Oh, you do? I don't know with some client. Lisa, yeah, he's coming into pitch a deal about dolphins. They won't. I don't like all that chitter-chat. They have meetings about meetings in this town. That's why I don't like text messages. I hate text messages too.

I don't want a fucking text message in my life because yay, yay, yeah, good. It's the people who are like, so I sent you a key. That's information. Did it fit? Maybe I go, enough. After the second line, we got to go to the phone. There's no reason to sit here and play this shit back and forth.

This is all unnecessary. All this stuff is unnecessary. It's like I look at all that shit, like all that unnecessary stuff. And it's phony. It's disingenew. ingenuous. How are you feeling today? I was worried about. No, you weren't. If you were, you were to pick the phone and call me and you would have heard my voice. I love on the holidays when I get texts with people and I just erase them. I don't even open them. I just erase them because I don't, and then they'll see me a month. You get my text? Not really. Oh my God. I sent one. I'll come here for a second. Do me a favor.

When you want to contact someone in the holidays, either pick up the phone or don't. And they look at you like you're goofing. But it's true. They look at you like you're goofing like, oh. No, dog What the fuck? Wait, should you press the button, press the button, and you sent me out and I'm supposed to feel good about myself?

Yeah. The people I love, I call. That's right. Me too. I take the time out. I don't send no fucking mass text out to bother people. Hi, happy Thanksgiving.

Go fuck yourself. You know I'm not crazy. You hear it. I don't fucking send nothing back. Listen. Dog, I turn that fucking side of my phone off. Yep. Some guy sent me six texts the other day.

Oh, shit. he got was horrible. I want one of those. He called me three days later and I apologized. He called me three. That's how bad I made him feel. I'm like, are you fucking retarded? You could have called me, like trying to be motivational speaking and shit.

You know what? One more fucking for good luck. Oh, shit. Fuck, yeah, this is the real deal. Okay, we're going deep tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know that 37 years ago today I went to see the Rolling Stones for the first time? How was it? I was just listening to Beast of Burden in my...

That was the album. That was the tour, 1978. Some girls out. And I almost seen them tonight. I like the Rolling Stones. I try to talk my wife into going to Nashville tonight to see the Stones of Brad Paisley. And she wouldn't do it.

I go, I'll tell you what, I'll fly in with you Tuesday. Will you eat dinner? We'll go see the Stones Wednesday night. And I'll eat Thursday morning. You shoot to your family. She's like, fuck them. I just saw those motherfuckers That's dope

I'm so glad you said What you said about text messages Because I feel the same way I hate All that nonsense I hate If there's something you could tell me Listen there's some people that

I have in an email Respect I don't mind those people Right right absolutely You have an email thing There's some people that You don't need to go past the email There's information they have to send you

Absolutely I agree with that There's some people want to send your emails and you're like, I don't, I don't get this. There's a guy that keeps sending me fucking emails from the phone number. Me too. He sends like little pictures? Yeah, 415.

Oh yeah, he sends his phone's number. What is he? I feel bad for him because I just erase him. I had a call. Like I went to Sprint because I couldn't figure out the Wi-Fi and I'm like, oh, something's wrong with my phone. Like, the lady's like, you know you have like 200 text messages? You haven't checked. And she goes, do you want

to see where they are? And I looked at them the one day. And I wrote down the people. And I called them. I said, let me ask you something. At one point, don't you just call me? That's right. If you text me three times for a gig and I didn't get back to you, wouldn't the smart thing be the, I don't want to bother you. You bothered me more than you send me a fucking text message.

It's informal. That bothers me more. It's not a professional. When you send me a text message for a gig, I just erase it. If you're that fucking stupid and that ignorant, I just erase the fucking thing. See, I'm not crazy. Text messages are for directions, addresses, phone numbers, make a right. Here's the information.

I don't want no text messages. Unless you're going to send me a fucking picture, your asshole. Oh, shit. And even that's going to bother me. Because I'm not going to keep it on my phone. I'm going to fucking erase it anyway. You know, it's just they opened up a bag of worms that didn't need to open up in my world. I don't know why.

There's some people, sometimes you're in a place that's loud and you can't talk. We did it for 200 years. Absolutely. And it worked. I made tons of call from Madison Square Garden during the Nick Games. Lee is almost asleep over there. Oh, he's. fucked up tonight. He's going deep

into the murky waters of the underworld. It's crazy how different it is growing up white, like with white parents versus like Hispanic parents. Not really. Not really. Really? From what I've seen, like, and you can't, of course there's some Hispanic parents who weren't

like your parents. He said it like our parents got a disease. Oh no, no, no, but I've been dating a Mexican girl for two years and even with her mom, like she, I had to ask her the other day. Like, are you and your mom fighting on the phone? all the time. And they just, they never really were

talked to like kids. Like she doesn't mess around with them. She calls like her like brother's wife. She says mean things about her. So it's just, it's a very different. Like I had never, like never had a conversation with my mom like that.

Yeah, my parents are not passive aggressive. Like my dad came home one day and said, look here. What did he? I can't even remember. He was. It's like women come a dime a dozen and every man has a dollar. So let me tell you something.

There is nothing that's going to benefit you for being cute because somebody is cuter is right around the way. Somebody whiter is right because my father had that mentality about the whiter you are. He was like, what you got is substance and you can never lose when you have substance. And my girlfriend who was white was like, I can't believe your dad said that to you. That sounds like a pimp talking to a prostitute on the street. And he was like, no, I'm trying to keep her from being a prostitute on the street. That's my job.

But he used to say stuff to us that other people would never, ever say to their kids. I think that parents are afraid to tell their kids the truth and they don't speak to them in certain ways or certain tones. I had to disagree with Lee to one extent because I grew up with white parents around me that would fuck their kids up at the drop of a dime. and they were cold-blooded at the drop of time. It's gotten over the years, it's gotten a little bit looser. Oh, yeah. You know, I had friends growing up that they could say nonsense in the house. I remember being at a friend of mine's house where he got into an argument with his dad

about him considering a different religion in Boulder. And I was like in shock that the father was like, well, and I remember being a friend of mine that was Irish's house. And he was just playing with his dad. And his dad's like, if that was ever to happen, I couldn't have you in my fucking house. I grew up with a kid that was Jewish, that was a date, the Puerto Rican girl. Right. In high school and everything was hunky dorian. And he told me, the father pulled him aside and said, when you go to Dartmouth.

You can't. That's it. Oh, I take you out of the will, and there's no job when you got out of college, and there's no money. And I cut you all. Like, you know, I'm not in my house. That was for high school. I can't. And most kids would die today.

What I just said, people are at home going, oh, my God, that dad, the scumbach, listen, bro, there's certain people, and he was Jewish. They were with the fucking thing on their head, and he would go to Midtown Manhattan every day. But he told his son, I can't have it. Your mom would have a heart attack if you married him. So before he even goes to another step, it's not going to happen, and say goodbye. Oh, you know, a kid today would go, I'm in shambles. You're a racist. Oh, my God.

If my boy would have said that to his father, his father would have knocked him out right there and then, you know, beat him, like, busted his mouth and got his shit and thrown away, and he wouldn't have been to Dartmouth or whatever the fuck he went, like whatever Division I school he went, he would have gone to his shit school, you know. I couldn't go home and tell my mother,

I'm considering, you know, being a florist. My mom would fucking argue with your mom about religion or something like that, going home. going home and saying I want to be a Buddhist. Oh, I had friends that would go home. My ex-wife's little sister used to say she'd have the dinner table, bro, that I wanted to punch in the mountain.

Not smack her. Because I could see that the dad came from my society. He was a lot older than I would. But I could see that his face would get red. Like she would start arguments about Catholicism. Meanwhile, they're donating to a church every weekend. They have nuns at their house for breakfast and shit. And this young little hippie.

who's living, doesn't have a job, living in an apartment on campus, you know, is like, why don't I have to be Catholic? You know, they're all perverts. And I can see the father was getting pissed. And I'm like, if this was my house, my mom would have grabbed me by the fucking neck already. Yep.

I grew up in a house that when my mom went to hit me, I had to keep my hands down. Yes. Because Cuban people believe that if you put your hands up, you are. And you strike your mother. When you die, your hand pops up in the casket. and they have to break it to put it back in.

When I heard that shit, I kept my hands to myself. I didn't want to be scared. I didn't want to be fucking Hitler saluting people and my waking shit. Just popping your little arm up and all of some 20 Nazis pop out of the fucking flowers. Yep, that's it. My mom hit us with a broomstick.

She hit us with the belt. She hit us with her shoe. My mom burnt a bounty roll one time because I put my hands up. Oh, man. Yes. Because you're raising your hand to her. And she was raising my hand.

She was hit me on the way up with the broom. And I was pushing the broom. And she was, she got like a fake heart attack. And she ran into the kitchen and took the bounty roll, off the road, lit it on fire. And she ran back up the stairs. Boy, I'm going to burn your fucking hands. That's the house I grew up in guys. Yeah.

And I'll tell you what, man. I'm going to tell you guys something that I have no ill will from my mom for hit me. Yeah. I think that she fucked up because after her. certain age. When she did come around, the damage is already done. Yeah. That's the only thing I, but my mother got caught up in her life.

I got sick and I remember in the hospital, her coming and going, this is my fault. The last two years, I've been fucking around with you. I've been leaving you $20. She hated that I used to eat Steakums. Oh, yeah. It would drive her fucking crazy. Do they still make Steakums? Yes, they do.

They're delicious. with some fucking raw onions and some American cheese. You melt that shit on a bun when things get bad, but things weren't bad in my house. I just liked the steakums. Right, right. And I ate them for two or three months straight for dinner. Oh, my God.

Steakums, two steakums with white bread with hot sauce, bicanthico with raw onion and a rite of french fries, the steak fries. That's what I ate every night for dinner. And in my mother's world, I ate them too. That was horrific. And a Cuban mother's world,

Absolutely. That is like a sin. But she was busy. She tried to cook. She knew I didn't like left-door. You know, when I was growing up, the microwave just started showing his head. So it wasn't how it is now. A Cuban mom left you that food with no cover on it.

The whole refrigerator stunk. I'd have fucking arrocompoia with Natia. And I'd bite it to the Natia, which is like Cuban custard. And it tastes like onions. Yeah, it was disgusting. Cuban people don't put lids on nothing. They just shoved shit into the refrigerator. And I couldn't live like that.

I fucking cannot. live like that. You got to wipe the soda cans before you put it to your lips because they taste like fucking garlic bread and shit. Oh yeah. No. So, in the hospital, she goes, that's it. It's all over. And I think before she died, that hospital run was like September 28th, November 9th. I think I gained 15 pounds because she started making potas. Oh, yeah. And I started lifting weight, like that Cuban stew, potatoes and beef and the chickens head. Chicharrone. Yeah, and all that shit. And she started really... Lenteja.

But it was too late at that time. She had already given me a... You know, I got left back, and my mom never knew it. I got left back in the sixth grade. Wow. In the seventh grade, my mom never knew it because at that time she had the bar and she gave me so much trust.

Like, I never had the balls to go back and say, you know, I got let back. Because she had put all this trust in me. Right. Like, she had stopped waking me up. She had stopped making breakfast at that time. It was over. This is all your job.

Now I did it for a long time. I was thinking about that. Do you think maybe your mom knew, but was kind of like holding it, like, just seeing what would happen? Like, because sometimes mom was no shit like that. I think my mom knew I was smoking pot. Not a lot. I think my mom knew I was drinking a little bit, but not a lot. I was a jock.

Right. I had good grades, you know, that summer school, that thing I failed was because I found love. Oh, isn't that always the case? I started dry-humping some young girl, and she told me she's going to give me the pussy on the first day of summer. So I couldn't even think about school. I kept thinking what her pussy looked like. I didn't know Ada. I didn't, you know.

The mind of a young man. I was a young man. I was fucking 13, 12-year-old, you know, and I was in love. I really loved that. She broke my fucking heart. What's her name? Her name is Njurka. Oh, where did she was Cuban?

Njurka, Zha. Nuka Riza. She was a Cuban girl. And it was just a, there was this fucking, I just found love with her. She was dark-skinned like you, but with blonde hair. She was that Cuban. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The brother was beautiful.

The father was like a Cuban model. And the mother was fucking smoking. The grandmother was a big Cuban movie star, like the Cuban, the 30s and shit. And this, I've had three friends that were Cuban that I hung out with. You that have told me stories about your father. This girl Viv, that told me stories about her father, New Yorker, that told me stories about her father and this other girl, Jacqueline,

and I knew that, and out of the four girls I grew up with, three who's had daddy drama with him. You loved them so much. Like, now I have to think of my daughters. Right, absolutely. And I see what's going on now with my daughter already. You know, I can't walk out of school no more.

Why? Because when I drop her off, she goes fucking nuts. My wife had her come together and then, she goes, yeah, you can't. She goes, you can pick her out because she goes, my wife's like, She gets depressed. She drops on the floor if you're not there.

So I take her swimming Tuesdays and Thursdays, our family night, you know. But my friend, New Yorker, her father died. Her father didn't die. Her father didn't die. Her father and the mother broke up. But you know Cuban men. They don't give a fuck about La Gorte. I mean, nothing.

Nope. That's right. So I'm staying here. So he built an apartment downstairs. Yep, and you were never going to move on with your life. He's never going to move on with his. She couldn't bring men home. No.

He lived in the basement when they were divorced 10 years. He still lived in the fucking basement. Yep. And he had a dog, a German Shepherd, and he had a corvette, and he was a dick. Yeah. But the same thing happened there. She came to me years. What happened between her and I was, this is terrible.

This is horrible. I used to dry hump her the whole thing. We never really had sex. And then the summer came, and she told me she wasn't ready. sex. She was still a young girl. I'm in the fucking sixth grade. 7th grade, you know. She barely had tities, and I went nuts.

But finally, like, in the summer of seventh grade, she took her titty out. Right? She gave me titty. But then the next year, I stayed in the seventh grade, and she stayed in the eighth grade. And, like, in the beginning, we broke up, and we stayed friends. And I still loved her debt, but I had to move on with my life. And it was good. I started playing basketball, like, to get my mind off her. And she used to live in the block next to me before to make her a,

I used to go to her house every day. I used to hang with her mother, the grandma. They loved me. We used to go roll this game. And then one day we got caught playing hookie. And my mom got the call at the bar, and she went to the house. And she knew the people lived in the backyard. And only a Cuban mother.

First of all, my mother hated her. Of course she did. My mother couldn't stand. Every time she came over, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then one day I was in there, and they came home, and they snuck up on me. This is one of the best my mother's stories ever. She couldn't. My mother couldn't

She couldn't sleep at night. I want to know what they're doing in that fucking room. No, Sella, boy, and one day I was in there, and I heard shit in the yard, but I thought it was in the yard over, and it was my mother and Arnardo. Arnardo do Campo was a bookmaker in my mother's bar. Oh, yeah. He was married to La Jaya. Of course.

She cooked tremendous Cuban food, and her and my mother grew up together. So one day my mother talked to Arnaido. Because he would get to my mother's bar at nine and take numbers. People went to take the New York bus were coming and play $604 for $5. And then they go, Gavutra'I don't give him one. So by 3 o'clock, he would be fucking lit.

And that was his thing. At 3 he went home, took a nap right now and a half. Then he'd come back after dinner and hang out my mom's bar to like 8 o'clock at night. Then my stepdad came and then there was a party. Then he would go home. He would sit there like he was like the pseudo helped my mother in the daytime.

Well, my mother talked him in to go into my backyard and putting the ladder up. And for him to climb up the ladder and peek and report to my mother what was going on in that. And all of a sudden, I'm dry humping to Earth when you fly. Oh, yeah. You want my love and you can't deny. And I hear, Papa, Papa, the ladder fell and Arnardo broke his ankle.

I got off of how to run to the backyard. There's my mother picking up Arnardo, the neighbor. What are you doing? No, no. We thought the air conditioner was leaking. And I believed it for like five minutes. I'm like, fuck that. You guys were sneaking.

This is my mother, hey, either. So we and the girl played hooky, and then one day my mother, that same day they called my mother. My mother opened up the back gate, the back windows, and started yelling, Tuijun Abuda.

Oh, yes. My mother started yelling, terrible. You and your mother are both horrors. She sits in that room with my son, and I hear him making weird noises. She's a whore. Oh, you know, my mother.

So when me and her walked into her house, the mother's like, you got to sit down. I want you to hear what your mother was saying about my daughter and me. It was horrible. They're like, you're not allowed in this house no more. But New Yorker still liked me and we still

swapped up. Then we broke up and there's a fucked up story. One day I went up on the block with a bicycle. My buddy used to steal bicycles. He was a Puerto Rican kid. He'd be given to this Cuban kid, Valentin Farrell. Valentin Farrell was a street mechanic. He would spray paint the bike

and take the numbers off and put different handlebars and the bikes. So I come out of my house. Valentin lived right next door to me. So he goes, Colch, where are you going? I go on the Charles Court. He goes, take this bike and let me know what you think. So I took the bike, and as I'm riding the bike, the steering wheel would move without the tire. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I'm saying? So I rode up the hill. I knew it, so I rode up the hill, and I was just going to put it down and play with the kids. And fuck around. New York, I picked up the bike and started riding around the hill. We lived on a cul-de-sac. Charles Court was one of those streets like a circle. Oh, yeah.

But the top was a fucking hill when you went down. Oh, shit. So she took the bike while we were. playing two-hand touch. You know it is. Oh, my God, this is terrible. She took the bike, but we were playing two-hand touch, but we were more on this side

of the oval. So when she took the bike, like, New York could come back, come back, and we ran this way together to meet her in the bottom of the hill. And when me and my buddy got to the bottom, we were like, stop, the steering wheel. We went to go for the bike, she turned it and went over the handlebar, bro.

Oh, shit. She landed on the head. We picked her up. She was okay. We all went home. The next day I went to school, and they're like, you didn't hear what happened? I go, no, New York is in the hospital. She had a coma. Oh, my God. She might die.

Oh, my gosh. She had a blood clot in her head. And she had to take the head. But listen, even bald, she won a homecoming queen as a freshman. That's how bad that bitch was. Coma and all. Yeah, her faquita, right? She was skinny like thin, like you, built like you, like thin and long.

And her mother, no, but after she got hitting her head, her tits got huge. her tits got like triple D they were monsterized they said Buso lo Gita she started giving out pussy and shit So me I didn't do nothing right I felt I had heard this shit I wasn't in love with her no more

Like I was already broken hard And I was a junior in high school I was living with the Benders And one Sunday night Mr. Bender's like There's a hot girl at the door I go for me And he's like get out there

Hurry up And I go out of this New York With a low cut shirt She goes can I talk to you for a second I go what's up She's like listen man me and my boyfriend broke up I want to know if you want to take me to the prom.

And I'm like, let me think of, I didn't know I had the girl I was kind of dating and then she got violent. She's like, you don't take me. She goes, if you take me to the prom, I'll give you the best night you ever fucking hag in your life. Oh, wow. And she's like, in fact, I'll take you in the car right now

and rough you up for me. I was a little half a fagg. I'm like, not right now because I'm not feeling well. I'm watching football. I swear to God, dog. She was saying dirty shit to me. I couldn't handle it. I could not handle it.

She got crazy. The bump in the head. I just made it go crazy. And today she won't talk to me on Facebook. She won't even be my friend. Why? She bumped into a friend of mine. My friend bumped into it at some office.

And my friend goes, you know, I still talk to Coco. She goes, you know what, man? I don't want to talk to him. When I was a kid, I still feel it was him and the other guy who pushed me off that bike. Oh. And I tried to reach out to her. And no, she didn't say nothing.

So I moved on with my life. What am I going to do? I loved her and she was my friend But you didn't push her off the bike That's not in my DNA No I don't think it was it No no no no I liked her as a

We were kids bro We were kids We were kids You know we were fucked up We wouldn't They probably But they probably put that in her head though Probably somebody

You know no Because after she came out of the hospital I went to a house every day Her mother was cool with me They told him the truth It wasn't he didn't push me We were just We went for the bike

We explained The thing was fucking loose Because the brother The brother at that time, he had heard what my mother did. And he didn't like me too much at the time. He was kind of mad. But the people who were there told him what happened. But before that, that dumb fuck came to my house with his father with the Corvette.

And my Cuban dad was out there, one, the crazy one, the one that's Abacua, that they dedicate their life to San Lazzel. They don't even like, if they walk in a room, a gay guy can't be in the room. Right. Like, that's how fucking, they don't eat pussy. You know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That style of Cuban, don't eat pussy and shit.

And he was, I'll never forget, he was outside mowing the lawn, and I was doing something on the balcony at the front of the house, and we saw the Corvette pulling up. And I go, Papa, yes, if we're at Depot, that's the dude who said that I pushed New Yorker. That's the father in Albi. I'll never forget that. My father looked at me. He had, like, the white wife beat him, like how much said that Chinna.

He knows the Chinese Cuban shirt with the buttons. They had white shorts on with his white little flip-flops on. And he walked over, and I seen him doing something in the bush, and he pulled the 45 out of the bush but he didn't pull it up to shoot or nothing he pulled it up and he straightened up and he just had the gun on his side and you can see that Alby and his dad saw the gun

they put that vent into reverse and that was the end of that fucking thing they never said nothing again you know so but I know that she had a lot of problems of the dad years later like he wouldn't talk to her then I went to school with another girl I'm still very tight with her and her husband and the father

when she was 15 the father told the mother made her two things she can't have those shorts on oh no that's number one absolutely and number two that little kid can't come in this house yeah and the mother said she got Jesus whatever your name is you know they're kids they're not doing anything and she goes listen I was a kid at one time oh yeah I'm gonna tell you another time I don't want the kid in the house she's not ready for it she was 15 or 16 and those shorts she can't wear them the next day the father came home the kid was on the couch and she had the shorts on. He went downstairs, packed his bags, and left. He just showed up two years ago to see her baby.

Cuban dad's a fucking crazy, bro. Yeah, yeah. No, the, you know what, the short shorts and the shirts with the low cuts, we were not allowed to wear any of that. We, we, that's sitting on your uncle's lap. Like, my dad was like, no disrespect at all. No, no, he was so. Couldn't jump on men. No. No, nothing. No, no. No, no.

And he no le pele the dente, to him's tapeller, like all that cheesing and smiling when a man will come to the house, he'd be like, go to the room and go put your teeth away, because those teeth are not for you to be showing to all the men.

It was extreme. Like, my dad did not play this shit. I read a book by John Leguizamo, and he says in the book, Latin men are, you know, spoiled by their mother. They're kings. My mother spoiled me, And I always tell, I always say that my mom wouldn't have died.

Not that I would have turned out weak because my mom had my back. You know, moms have everything. You can tell them whatever. It was that I had the muscles, but I would have never used them. You know, I had the DNA. My mother came from a family at 9. My dad was a street hustler. They got into the numbers.

They came from Cuba with nothing, and they made a ton of fucking money. She had two bars. You know, and I respect that. So I had the muscles, but I was never going to have to use them because I was raised spoil. But she also put, like, my mother, when I was five, like, pushed women on me. Like, not sexually, but, oh, yeah, what do you think of that woman? Yeah, to check you, check your temperature. My mom, you know, I tell stories about her just playing cars with the hot.

My mom was hot. She played cars with other hot women. And you know how Spanish went, oh, yes, how Walter, where did you get those boots from me? Try them on. I love your skirt, and they were Swiss school skirts and that'd be five. and my head would blow up. And my mom would look at me and go, me a little, me a little, all right, we got something to work with.

You know, and the ladies would go, wow, and then my mom would make me put underwear on it, make me dance for the women. And she'd say, Dalai Hamo, and I'd have to flick my thing. My mom, on the other hand, my mom wanted to be to me manly. I didn't have a father, so I was six. My mom was the one that used to at the playground when the kid pushed me around.

My mom would call me over and go, oh, yeah, that can't exist in my house. nobody could push you around. Next time it hits you, my mom would say touch him. And then I would be playing and wrestling. My mom would go, it's Antonio. Touch him.

That meant to punch him. And then she did the extent of them and it meant this to knock him out. So on the other hand, my mom put more man into me where a Cuban tames your... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, my dad...

For us, it was the opposite because it was the dynamic. Right, the dynamic. The male female dynamic. And my dad You know what? I remember one time I was in the hospital with him We was in the parking lot

And these two dudes were walking towards us And my dad was like looking And he pulled out a screwdriver And he, you know He looked at the guys and he said I'm gonna fuck both of you up with this Don't underestimate this I know you come in a steel

And you come in a rape But I'm going we're gonna all die tonight But you will not rape her And I was like What made you think he was going to rape me. They were going to rape me. He said, what the fuck do you think they were coming over here for?

These tires? He was just always on. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm the same way. 13, because he was like, you're in the adolescent years. That's when a guy won. Listen, these animals will take anything now, so. And he would throw people out the house. Like, I remember a man came over that was a friend of his, and the way that he looked

at us, he looked at me. He said, oh, what? He threw him out of the house. But, I, And the man was like, but what, what do you say,

I knew that you saw that you're basing to my my I'm, by carho said, you know. Oh, shit. Yeah,

he was like, I saw you looking at her with the wrong eyes. He was like, get the fuck out of my house before I go

get my gun. He was so like, but you know what? He was right. He's right. That dude was a weird old. I ain't fucking crazy. His intuition

was always on point. Listen, I got street intuition. And I know, I was, I had bad thoughts at one time. Right.

So when I, When I came to you with those bad thoughts, now I know what it looks like. Oh, yeah. I know what it looks like at all times. I know what it, I know what the foot, the pacing of the footing, the breathing. I know it because I lived it. I lived it in more ways than one. I lived it as a thief, as a drug dealer, as a fucking dude that was going to take you down.

I know the pacing, the breathing, you know it. So you see it. You know, I know when I'm horned up, I know when somebody fucking swoops me and I can't think of it. Yeah. And you get into that moment. And, you know, thank God I'm not a tree jumper. And I would rip a lady's shirt off or something like that. But I know what it looks like because I've been there.

Oh, yeah. So I know all the fucking signs, you know. And I hate to say this. What I think, I've been watered down over the years. What I think a woman should act like and a guy should act like is completely different from what they act like today. If I had the time, I'd give you the list. If we had the time tonight, I'd give you the list.

and you die because I came from a different cloth. Oh, yeah, we grew up like that. When I moved here, I moved here with a girl that was a whore. She tried to contain herself, but she was a whore. And she was a stripper, and when people would talk to her, she'd talk. You know, I grew up with a girl in Jersey that was, she looked like you. Her name was Regina Gordon, Godhap. God have her in her soul.

She died when she was 49. She was young. She was Puerto Rican and black. No, black and Italian. And her mother died. with her cousins in my hometown and I knew her boyfriend and we and when my mother died she called me and her and I were friends and she was a half of her but she was a woman. Right.

You know, little things like she was a half a hole with my friend and she would dump them and go out with an older guy and then go back to him, but she was a woman. She acted like a woman at all times, you know? And I remember being in the city with her one night and talking to a friend of mine from high school and I left Regina at the bar stool and there was two bar stools open and some guy came over and before the guy was like sitting there

like you know how people try to be friendly she's like before you get comfortable dog somebody was sitting there I don't want to hear your fucking story take a hike yeah and I was like five feet away and I'm like damn that's what I grew up with and then 20 years later one night I'm with the stripper at the improv I never forget this

and I just moved to LA you know and I knew she was a dirty fucking horse, so I knew what I was going in with, you know, she was the type of girl that want to shoot pool and all that dumb shit in a fucking bar. And I went to go to the bathroom, and I come back and Jackie Flynn, the comic, is sitting there

talking to her. And I remember going, that's the difference between the women I grew up with and these fucking savages that I hear things. You know, they're talking about grapes and my God, they go to rounds too. You know, and I'm like, Jack, why? Oh, we would take a fucking height. You know this. He was in the corner. He was

watching me the whole time. I was watching him. I just wanted to test him to see if he was going to be that fucking stupid. Because then again, where I come from, that's a smack to the face and you've got to take it like a man. Because even when you tell the cop I sat there, he's going to go, dog, he saw you sit in there,

so when he went to the bathroom, you moved in. And my neighbor, that's a smack to the fucking mouth. But in today's society, man, he wasn't doing nothing. They were just talking. Oh my God, you're such an animal. You have to learn to control your anger. No, dog. There's a fucking code, stupid motherfucker and that I still live by.

Like, I don't fuck, listen, I'm going to tell you guys something just so you know. When it comes to my wife, I will do 20 years. Yep. I will slice your fucking throat when it comes to my wife. I don't even play a couple years ago. I was with a couple of comics, and a comic said something aside, and I fucking jumped on him before he finished his sentence. I said shit to him.

That next night I went home and Rogan call me. He was like, Joey, I never saw nothing like that. I go, listen, spread the word. you saw that the other night when it comes to my wife you will sit there bleeding and I will not mind I'll do it in front of everybody

just so the hint gets out there so even when I'm in prison they know I'll come out and slice them again and when it comes to my wife you could disrespect me once you disrespect my wife I just stop talking to you

because the next step I'm gonna fucking slide I just get fucking furious but that's how I was raised that's how I was raised the dumb whore you could have disrespect to her because I knew where she was coming from. She went to the pool table.

You called her a stupid cunt. That's what you get for playing pool. Yeah. But my wife wouldn't do that. My wife wouldn't act that way. I'm going to go play with these three fucking guys. What are you fucking kidding me? That's how we are.

What are you fucking kidding me? This is real shit. They seem like fun. They don't want to sleep with me. No, no, no, no. They just want to shoot pool with you. You're a fucking whore. You know they want to fuck you.

And that's the hand you're playing, you're miserable fuck. That's how I was my dad. My dad would be like, What's you smiling about? Oh, my God. Yeah. Why do we see teeth? My sister would be like, I don't understand.

Did your dad grow up poor? Yeah, he grew up poor. He worked really hard for everything. When he came to America, he drove a truck. He fixed windows. He had a business. Long Nomino, like he did a hustler. All right, so he did something on the side.

Absolutely. Every Cuban does something on the side. Everybody, you know, he's just. Because you don't have a gun unless you're slinging. Oh, yeah. And he didn't do no drugs. No, he didn't do drugs. You never caught him?

No, I never caught him. I never caught him. Yes, you did. No, I never caught him. I never caught him. And if I did, I'd never tell because I have a cold. Right, okay. But listen, it was, he used to be, he used to tell people and say,

When you're not, when you're not set out of the skin. Like, he was like, don't try to run game on me. That means when you were born, I was already on the corner. And I'm the same one. Don't try to run game on me, man. That was the biggest offense to him is to try. is to try to run. What's the conversation we have?

We have these conversations every day with Liam. The people who think like you just fall off the fucking boat and they come to you. You know, what's that? What's those podcast people? We love for you to come to the network. You get 50% of your avatar.

Did I just fall off a tree? Just because I go, your offices in Beverly Hills, I got to give you 50% of the take. Even the mafia only takes 15. The mafia takes 15. And this town is filled with those people. Oh, yeah.

You know, man, I always, I'm a, you know, God gave me one gift. I don't care about, like, when we discuss this, I don't care about the Martians. I don't care about Jet Bush. I never have. I'm not going to lie to anybody since I was a kid. Even before the felonies. Yeah. It seemed like it's the same bullshit every four years and we believe it.

Doesn't matter who it is. And every year we get into more and more debt and every year it's don't stop it. I believe in people. I believe in people. I want to know what makes them tick. Yep. You know? And I can see when somebody's coming from the fucking...

I know when somebody wants you... I know when somebody wants for you to walk down a bad street with you. Because there's people that only walk down bad streets and they only take somebody with them. You know, there's people... That's what they do in their life. They just... I think my background and your background,

they didn't scare us. My mother didn't scare me and say, My mother wanted me to enhance it, but she wanted me to go on with a different eyeball. Yep. Don't worry about this. We were talking before about my wife wanted to save the kid that day, and she walked away from Mercy because she was in studio sitting. I'm like, you know, what are you fucking crazy?

I don't fall for nothing. I don't give it. The last time I fell for something, I fell for a three-card Monty game. I'm 49th and fucking ninth. Okay? And then my buddy started yelling at me for falling for the game, and while he was yelling at me, I saw him look, go in his pocket,

and he lost $20. And I never forgot that lesson. You always got to see where they're coming from. You've got to get up early in the morning to come to me with a story, especially like comedians. Oh, yeah. Well, nothing's going on for me

because you ain't putting into fucking work. That's right. And now you want to come bring your sorrow on me and make me feel bad. Well, bro, when you have a couple weeks, you could take me on the road, and what's that going to do for you? That's right.

What's that going to do for you? For you to tell your friends you want on the road? That's not going to make you get on stage seven times a week. That's not going to make you work harder, you know. I had a fucked up family grown up, man. My father died, my mother died. There was drugs. There was numbers.

There was weapons. But you know what, man? They never lied to me. They toughened me up. They prepared me. I mean, my mom set me out there at the age of 15. And I could look at you in the eye like a man. Nobody ever fucked me.

I never sucked nobody's dick. I never got talked into another shit. a week before she died she smacked me in the face for me not calling her because my rule in the house was you can come home whenever the fuck you want you want to come home at six

come home at six just call me every hour on the hour and check in with me and I didn't call her one hour when I came in she smacked me in the face next morning she told me she said listen I don't give a fuck what you do Beto I want you to grow up to be a man

and that's part of it you got to call someday you're going to be marriage. You can do whatever fuck you want again. I get it. But give you a wife to respect. And call her real. She's not going to be mad at you. You call herriam. I mean, I'm here

with him. Buy it. I don't have to work tomorrow. You know, give you a wife. And that always stuck with me. Those little words from my mom sort of, the reason why our conversation on the plane intrigued me was because we were raised by the same person, different genres.

There was no genre in the house. My mom told me exactly how it was. There was a babysitter I had it. My mom pulled me on in there. She was, listen, don't drink out of the same glasses as she is. There's a rumor that she's Cephala. Yes. Why would you let a babysitter watch me and she's got syphilis?

But she grew up with her, Gloria La Loco. Do you know that Gloria is still alive? People tell me when I go to Jersey, bro, do you know Lady Gloria that shakes? I hit her in the head one time with a fucking chuhon because she wouldn't let me watch Hawaii 5-0. Back in 1960 fucking nine. You hit her in the hair. The metal shoehorn? The metal shoon.

Is that why she shakes? No, she was shaking way before that. But it was funny. She was beautiful. She's a beautiful Cuban woman with long brown hair to her back and blue eyes. She looked white. You know, these women looked white. Right, right, right.

And she's still alive. She's still alive, Bergen-Line. I don't think she's doing anything crazy anymore. She outlived all those people that were... People always tell me, do you know a lady named Gloria? she says that she babysat you when you were a kid. I'm like, tell her leave the number here because I love to see it just to talk to her. Oh, that's so nice.

Yeah, oh, the babysitter. Yeah, my babysitter was a drug dealer too. She's an ex-con, six-foot-two blonde, a Cuban woman, Estelle Dominguez. And this woman was such a gangster. Let me tell you. She used to have a baby. She had a baby from one of the neighbors. husband's and nobody ever knew that she had gotten pregnant from this dude that was married.

Freddie was married to duty. And she goes to the grocery store with the baby and she would pack the stroller with me. She would steal it. And then one day she was in the grocery store and they caught her. And she goes, I eat that because there's a day's the day to come and grab the baby, I'll grab the baby and go straight to the house. I'm like, what is going on? She was not afraid of anybody.

I've never met some. And my mother's fearless. But this woman used to be, like, she used to tell my dad, no le punga no one pat atuio. Like, if you put your hands on her, we are going to fight. She was square up with my dad. And I grew up with her. And I knew she used, let me tell you, that lady used to go to the mall, steal clothes,

and bring it to me and say, now you take it and return it. and go get some clothes for school. She always, you know, she was the, I feel like the people, the street people that I grew up with have more honor and compassion for other humans. You know what I'm saying? Like, you were not allowed to talk bad about prostitutes to my mom because when my mom got, she was nine months pregnant, my dad beat her up, left her in Central Park. She said it was the prostitutes and the junkies that took me to the hospital.

So you're not allowed to say prostit, you know, like dog, talk down. on people because of where they are in life because she'd be like, hey, you don't know who that person is, where that person came from. We don't do that here. We don't do that here. Why are you laughing? Because I have a joke about Puerto Rican Freddie. He was a liaison in my neighborhood and he taught you about life.

He cut the corners for you. If you went to him, he'd give you the answers, and that's where we went to, when you were kids, and were like, tell us about pussy. And one day, he's like, enough with the questions. Come by my window on Friday. I'm going to fuck my girlfriend. I'll let you listen. But that's the people, and you think back about it.

Today they'll put you in jail for that. He was serious. He just didn't want to hear no more questions about him. What's pussy like? What's a tell he like, bro. I don't know. Just come by my window. He charges all a dollar to come by his window and listen to him,

fuck her. And he left the window and I remember I'm seeing his ass. That's all I saw was his ass fucking at 8 o'clock. You know, you had street liaisons that... This dude, Lee is laughing, but it's true. I can't, like I said, we don't have enough time. Like, my mom left Cuba because she stabbed a guy at a party that raped her younger sister. Oh, yeah.

And then she came to the United States, like in 55. And then she went back in 57 because in the Bronx, she met this chick named Go Ying. And Go Ying introduced her to taking numbers on the corner. and they got so popular these two hot chicks taking numbers that they opened up a bodega in the Bronx in 1960 and were taking numbers. She was dating my father at the time.

My father was still in Cuba. His parents were from Kamauai. They were all uppity ha-ha-ha-ha. It's drinking with white suits on and listening to regular Cuban music with guitars. No kongas. That means black people were close. You know what I'm saying?

Those Kama-Way people, they're uppity fucking people. You know. And my mom was... went back to Cuba with Goying's mother's identity which was Sophia Cecilia. Wow. So when my mother came to Cuba

she was Sophia, she stayed, had sex with my dad, had my sister, had me, and then they kept going back. My mom kept traveling under that name with me. So when I was a kid, people would come to the bar and go, where's Sophia? I didn't even know what to

say. Like, who's Sophia? Your mom? Then my mom would come over. I'm Sophia, shut the fuck up. All my life. When my mom died, I couldn't even collect Social Security because she never worked under De Nora Valdez. She worked under Sophia Cecilia. But these

were street people that binded together. I told the story on Ari's show about her Cuban friend that came to Cuba from her and went to Chicago and her husband beat her up. And my mom and dad went and picked her up. And she became a drug deal on 113th in Spanish Harlem.

And my mother and her were And when my mother died, she took care of me. She swore to my mother into the fucking deathbed at the weight that she's going to take care of this motherfucker. And every Sunday she'd bring me $200 and a nickel bag of reefer. That's a different type of character. That's a different type of character. They don't have that no more.

They had a cold. And, you know, you pay attention to somebody who's talking about somebody else. And they'd be like, oh, that's who you are. It was the detectors were so sharp back then They knew they could see you coming from a mile away And say that right there That's not made up of what we're made up So turn this way

And I grew up like that I grew up and sometimes my friends are like You know you like when my dad We go with him and he says down He doesn't get up to fix a plate He knows one of us is going to fix it for him And my friend was like that's a chauvinist And I'm like no that that's the king of our castle

And he will take a He will die for us. And so he gets a certain respect for that because you can't buy that. And that's just how we were raised. I don't, I don't, he was a product of how he grew up. And I could never hold him accountable for that. That is what, what I think you talk about your mom. Those people had to make it happen.

It was not optional. They would figure out a way to make it happen. And they had to do whatever they had to do to take care of their family, because family always comes first. and it's just a different time and a different makeup. My dad, I knew that when he said he was going to be somewhere at 5 o'clock, he was going to be there.

I knew he was going to be there. He would be there at 4.59. And I have nothing but respect for him. I don't hold any of what he did out of ignorance against him because I knew that it all came with the best hard intentions. When I knew that he was watching me at school, I knew he was just trying to protect me from myself because I could have just been a statistic.

And, you know, when my mom would take me to the doctor, he would tell the, Prontale if si a seorita. Like, he'd be like, check to see if she's still a virgin. And now they consider that, you know, violating someone's privacy, but we were not, we didn't have privacy when we were growing up.

That was their house. We just lived there. And he would be like, oh, yeah, I'll be a seorita, find out if she's a virgin. Because there were, but I knew that that he just,

That was just his way of expressing love, but I knew I could count on her. And I could count on the people on the black. I look at my daughter, man, and I worry about me. Like, I had a daughter taken from me, but I think of the stuff I was doing in front of her, the stuff that she was seeing at that early age, because that's how I was raised. Right. I was raised in early age. I'm not here.

We all lie, you know. We all make mistakes. We get excited. that we exaggerate, whatever the fuck you do. But I'm not living a lie. Right. You know, people, I get 80 fucking emails a week, 40 of them. You're real.

We come up to you and talk to you. You know. Yeah. I was raised to be real. I was raised that if you don't like that person, don't smoke a pot. That's right. If you don't like that person, why are you taking a ride from me? You don't like, you know how many fucking emails I get a week about this?

Listen, why you email me to tell me that, or you don't like me or you don't like the sound. Just fucking move out with your life. All of a sudden life is Yelp. Everybody wants to yelp people. Well, I don't think. Who gives a fuck what you think? You think when I'm fucking shop and I'm bouncing my daughter at the fucking park?

I'm worried about what the fuck you think. I really don't. I really don't. And if you think people are really acting like that, you're fucking mistaken. Nobody gives a fuck. I don't give a fuck. When I'm with my kid or with my wife, I don't give a fuck. I really don't.

You know, somebody called me and I'm like, hey man, they want to see you at 545. That's my kid time, dog. Am I picking up an envelope? No, they want to see you for a project, and they can see me at 1045 tomorrow. I don't give a fuck about you fucking. A lot of people don't have that freedom.

I don't have any other way to live, I don't know any other way to live. You know, I don't know if it was it, was it that day on the plane where you, no, that Sunday, that little where we land? No, no. I went somewhere after I didn't see it. I went to Oklahoma. I have a new rule when I'm in public. I look at the nicest white person.

If he gets aggravated, then I got all the green light. You understand me? I look for the nicest white family. If they start getting mad, then until they don't get mad, I'm not allowed to get mad. That's hilarious. That's my new rule. What level of anger, though?

I go right to 10. As soon as I see a nice white person get mad. What do they have to do? Hey, what the fuck is going on here? The rules. Somebody's continental, you know, whatever the fuck thing they mind fuck they got. Okay? I don't say a word till the gentiest gentile goes off.

Once the nicest white guy in the fucking airport or wherever it goes off, I'm his backup. I'm his backup. That's my new rule in public because I'm an asshole. I'm an asshole I know it. That's my new fucking rule, you know. Oh yeah, he's fucked up like a can of worms and shit. I look at my daughter now, this little two-year-old, she's going through that thing now. She's going through her daddy thing.

You know, I got a tiptoe out of the house at night. There's some nights I can pick her up and go, Daddy's going to work and I'll kiss her and she'll go bye-bye. But it's getting few and far between. You know, I can't. When I see her at the pool, she gets excited. It makes me feel good, but it makes me mad because the other girl I had was the same way and even worse. The first one, and they talked her out of it. these fucking people who walk around like their, you know, like the family,

like when you go to their house to eat, when you're walking on the stairs, they all come out and hug each other and wave at you as a family. That's the hand she's playing, but she took this kid from me, you know what I'm saying? And I knew where I came from. My dad was in numbers, my mom did the numbers, my mom did blow, whatever the fuck. But they raised a man. I mean, her influence in my life was so strong that all I ever worked for was for, was for to get to where I am now.

And now I could, if I die, I could walk into hell or heaven and go, I did a lot of fucked up shit. But I turned my life around, you know what I'm saying? I end up, no, no, no, just give me that one. Wait, what you do? You got to happen. I had some from it.

Oh, then give me another one. That's what I was the good thing. You know, give me some Jewie germs and shit. You know what I'm saying? Next thing you know, I'm walking around, all confused. Ro three stars? But I look at a, I can't believe, like, Right now, the Cuban in me wants to stop what I'm doing, get a knife and go chop their heads off, you know?

Right. Because that's the Cuban in me. Like, you know, they took something from me. I stayed hit. You know what I'm saying? Like right now. But I can't do that. The nice Cuban in me has to accept it and move on with that life, you know what I'm saying?

No, either that time on the plane you fucked with my head, I had to check myself when I went home. I had to go home and look at my daughter's picture and check myself because. You know what, man? I'm like that about him. If I love you, I got your back to the end. I'm old school. I yelled at him the other day for watching nine episodes of Black is Orange. He says, who's got nine hours to do something?

You know, five years from now, he's going to go, I'm broke, and I'm going to go, maybe you shouldn't have watched those nine episodes that Friday. Maybe something would have happened. Even if you went to 7-11 bought a lottery ticket. Anything's better than watching nine episodes. A lot of people think that, like, I'm yelling at him, no. that's what a man does. You know what the fuck?

Nobody else is going to say that to him. You don't think they're going to tell him this. Oh, my God. That's such a fun day. Binge TV walked. What binge? What binge? Get the fuck out there and go make $200.

Then you come home and watch two episodes. Nine episodes. But to the common person, they're like, you're picking on Lee. No, I'm not picking on Lee, dog. I'm looking out for Lee. In two years, one day Lee's going to come up to me and go, dog, you were right. He's not going to, he's not going to, Yesterday he looked at me like I had three eyes.

He told me the week before his girlfriend was sick. And I told him, if your girlfriend's sick on a Friday, you ain't no doctor, take her home. You got work to do. Right or wrong, you know, to some people, they're like, that's cruel and punishment. If she ain't going to suck your dick, why are you having her around for it? She's sick. Take her home. You ain't Dr. Chavago.

Pick her up later on. Give her some soup, but why do you want those. That was very human. No, A no, eh. I used to have a girlfriend that was hotter than shit about 50, before Terry. before I dated, my wife had this little wife, and she had good pussy, and I bring cocaine over there,

and she let me put rocks in her ass and shit. But I was a Coke fiend, you know what I'm saying? I even looked out for my Coke. Before I got there, I took a little bit out of a package for me. I wasn't going to give her all the Coke. She would call me, go, where are you? But I knew when she was going to get her period. I knew those five days.

What am I going to go over there for? She got a period. I don't want to see you. I'm going to give you coke. I can't do nothing. I can't talk to you. That's how I really, Aida's looking at me. I can't believe it.

That's how I really fucking think, Eda. You waste him, I'm going to go over and eat that bloody pussy. I don't want to say that disgust. But anyway, when I said that to him, he looked at me all weird. I didn't mean it, but he knows where I'm coming from. Right, man. And nobody else is going to tell you that. People are, well, that's so sweet.

You're taking the day off to take care of your girlfriend. Fuck you with this. I need to check on my couch coughing and shit. Sitting there laying there demanding soup and it's cold and it's hot. Go to your mother's house. Don't take care of you there. I got work to do. I got fucking work to do.

You know what? You got to, you know. And that's what my mother used to get me up every morning and say, you've got to look at the sun. Who sleeps till 9 o'clock in the morning? That's right. You know, all those little things. I thank her for today.

I thank you for all those things that tough for me to fuck up. What are you talking about basketball? What do you mean? No, no, no, no. You got to walk up to 50s. You've got to pay the fucking phone bill. Remember when you had to pay the phone bill in person? Those were my chores.

I couldn't go to my mother. I didn't know what I was doing. doing until the next day. Like I didn't have no fucking plans like oh I'm gonna go to Disneyland. No, no, no, no, no. You gotta go pay the mortgage. I left you a check for 800 and I left you the phone bill for $44. Go pay it.

How do I get there? Walk. Go ahead to exercise. It's nice. You're 10 years old. And don't let nobody take that fucking check. Yes. She used to put a chain on my neck, right? This like a chain like this and go, don't let nobody touch

in the first grade. Like a thick gold chain. Take it a PS-166. Don't let nobody touch it. She was testing me. She was teaching me, dog. You know, who does that with that kid today? Today your kid gets pushed. You write a documentary about getting bullied.

Can you fucking believe that? Can you fucking believe that? They either get bullied, they either have autism or they're allergic to peanuts. Every kid got a fucking problem. When I was a kid, you were either a dummy or you were fucking on the ball, right or wrong. You either a retard without the chinky eyes

or you were a fuck that. Fuck it. It's Wednesday, I, cock suckers. Let me give you some shoutouts here, and we'll get the fuck out of here. Paul Lynch, Don Salazar, Zululu,

Chung Kennedy, you know, I love you, Chung. No offense with the Chinese joke. Lloyd, Brady Ferguson, your bad motherfucker. Thank you for drawing that for your uncle Joey. Kevin Criss, Joe Kravins, Awkward 420, and 300, Rummy, you bad motherfuckers.

So talk to me. What's been going on after the last comment? You're on the road. You're selling out. Spanish people ain't showing up. You know, what the fuck? They think that I'm going to draw the Latino whistle. I'm going to blow the Latino whistle.

Club owners come in like, what happened? There's not enough fucking Spanish people. We made tortilla chips. We have a special on fish tacos. The fish tacos are delicious. I've been going all over the country. And I just came back from Dallas, Texas, where they got a little tight on me. But I was in Denver a few weeks before, and they were cool.

and in Portland they were cool. But I will let you... Did you go to Helium? Yeah, I didn't. How cool is that club? I love it there. Did you get the Cuban sandwich? No, I didn't.

I didn't know they had a Cuban sandwich. They got a Cuban sandwich. I don't think that. I think they took it off the menu. It ain't bad. Oh, really? It's very... They got a lot of Cuban food in Portland when I went the last time.

Yeah, it's very avant-garde, but I tell you, I hate ranch dressing. Fucking hate it. I don't even like it on the table with me. They got spicy flame ranch. They'll change your life with potato tots. Oh, yeah. Lisa had told me he'll put one his little cullo and she let the Mexican smoke his pipe when she's coughing and shit. Disgust. Disgust. How high are you, Lee? Lee keeps falling asleep.

It's the highest, probably. Oh, my God. You're pretty high yourself. That fucking star hit you. You got to see your little eyes. You look beautiful. Thank you. You're very beautiful, man. I appreciate that. So what else is going on? They're offering your TV deals. Yeah, we're working on some TV stuff. Oh, you already, you know. How many people do you know that have had development deals? Everybody. So, yeah, I've been talking, but you know, I've been writing my own stuff,

and I'm just, I'm working on my own stuff. I put my own shows up. I make my own movies, my own little independent movies. And I just, I, Thomas Edison said everything comes to he who hustles while he waits. So I live by that. I don't have that lazy blood. I can't just sit around and do anything. I have to be doing something.

You don't watch nine episodes of black as orange. Orange is the new place. I'll fucking kill you, cuck sucker. No, I can't. You're lucky, I love you. And I don't wake. I wake up at 7 in the morning every day. You have to.

Yeah, when I was doing drugs, I'm up early. Yeah. Just certain little fucking things make a difference, you know. Yeah. I had a lot of help growing up from friends. I love Lee. Lee knows that he's a bad motherfucker. You know, Lee lost like 100 pounds and shit.

Oh, congratulations, Lee. You got to see it's thong season. Almost. He's going to go to the Jewish Community Center to learn how to swim. Your dad was thinking about you. They have free swimming classes at the Jewish Community Center in Sherman Oaks. And they teach you how to swim. The guy was an Olympian.

Larry Kuzzi, he speaks to him from Israel. Yeah. Fucking pretty interesting shit, man. I was going to tell you, go up there and show him the physique. My mom, to business swimming, listens like our entire life. I'm a good swimmer. You should go over there to the Jewish community. It's free.

Just go in there, Rosh Hashanah, give him a hug. Fuck it. Look at the fucking shape of you. Dude. Who gets a fuck? Last week I gave you 800, but I didn't tell you and you weren't half as high. When I dose him, I give him like 800 milligrams.

He don't know nothing. He walks out of here, but he knows the numbers, and then he starts doing the math, and he starts scaring himself. You're on to something. You're on to something. It's just the right fucking thing in the right fucking channel.

Thank you. You're on to something. I don't say that to a lot of people. There's not a lot, you know, the last, I put a lot of women comics on this show. I'm a fan of women comics. Like I don't like what people say that. Women are not funny.

There's nights I've walked into a club and I've laughed at you. I've laughed at dozens of women. Listen, you want me to tell you I fucking fell off my chair and pukes? No. Right, right. But you hit me. You fucking hit me. You know what I'm saying?

You caught me at that moment. Now I became a fan because I know how. hard it is for a woman. I know how hard it is, you know. I used to go to Ivana Chubbik. Oh, yeah. Ivana Chubbik is with her. And you know what, man? If she wasn't such a fucking witch anymore, I would recommend you to go. I would even fucking give you the dough to go because you'd be, she had two Oscar winners and they were both tall and lanky. That's what she liked. She had Therese, Charlis the run and she had the black girl, right? The year before.

What's her name? Hallie Berry. Holly Berry. She had Holly Berry in there. And I remember going to the Masterclass. to watch. And she had women stripping down naked. Like she had, that's what she'd do to women. Right. She would break you down.

A lot of women would quit. I don't remember my medium class. They had to do a scene from the movie Harvey with, what's his name? And they put a girl in that scene. That was a beautiful and I had to make out with her. Do you know how fucking embarrassed I was? Oh, my God. I felt so embarrassed for the girl.

I couldn't even do it. I didn't even show up that day to do the fucking scene. Make out with a stranger. For free, get the fuck out of here. I was embarrassed. Oh, my God. But that's the acting. That's how they teach you.

But they said she was the best with women. Once you got to her level, she would rock you. But now it's not that what it is. Now the master class is for people to say it's the master class. 15 years ago when I got here, bro, the master class started at 7, there was a line at 4. For people to go watch in the back, like agents and TBS. and people like that. But now it's just a bunch of kids with tattoos with hats,

birds on their fucking shoulders, telling people their actors and shit. You're shooting a special or anything like that? I've been working on my hour. I've been working on it. But I'm not putting it out until, I've never put out an hour. I don't do those DVDs and put my stand-up out there.

You don't sell tickets after? You don't sell DVDs after shows? No, I saw shirts. But I haven't done an hour yet because I want a good hour. I really want a good one. And I've only been doing stand-up seven years. So I've just started, I'm just really getting started to me. Like a lot of people that I know that started with me think that they're like, they've arrived.

No, no, no. Such a long way to go. You know, at the 10-year mark, you think you've arrived, and I'll tell you, it becomes something else at 14 or 15. I heard that. And then for me, the light went off at, I can't lie to you, the light went off at 18. Wow. I didn't, I got it.

I just didn't want to do it. It was in front of me, but I didn't want to make that little commitment because you've got to make the commitment in your mind first, to be a headliner, to go home at night, really put pieces together and really look at your material. And I can't tape myself. I can't hear my voice. So I have a hard time.

So sometimes Lee does the sets with me, not the night, because he's not going to even remember where I take him. But I started working a little harder to get, you know, there's the MC level, the feature level. Right. And then you could be a feature. You know, people throw the word headliner around.

And it takes a long time. And you're very lucky. And I'll tell you why, because they threw you into the mouth of the line. Right. That's the way to make a headliner. You don't make a headliner by saying, well, you know, feature them for a year. No. Headline that motherfucker.

And one day at the eight-month mark, you'll go, oh, shit. Oh, I get it. hit them hard for 18 pull it back for 7 now you got 25 pick it back up till about 35 let them drop tabs warm them up massage their balls

and then fucking adjust all the fucking missiles and read it down 5 4 and hit them with 7 minutes of just death and you get out of it at the 50 minute mark and everybody's fucking happy but before that you're putting

those chunks together but you have to pick up that spine too. And I'm really happy for you because I wish people were headlining me at the 7th EMR. I was petrified. I was very content with doing 18 minutes and running the fuck out of and going and doing blow. And people coming up to you saying, you were the funniest. I like you the most. I hate that shit.

And it just, I hate when I was a feature, people would come up to me and go, oh, you were better in the headline. Who gives a fuck? He's the one that's getting fucking 28,000. fucking dollars. Exactly. I'm funny, and who gives this shit you the fuck away from me?

Thank you. Ada, where are you at next? Thank you. I'm going to Japan to entertain our truth. Okay, that's not bad. No, I know, but because of what you said, that people used to come up to that. They come up to that now.

That's their first joke. And then I'm going to do the Homefield Comedy Club in Miami on July 9th and 10th. That's a good little fucking club there. Oh, yeah, yeah. Up and down that strip, they got 10 million little Cuban places.

You just pull over. People talk to you. You get a couple of people. You got a little coffee. Coffee, eat. And you're good to go. There's a gym. There's a little mallet center.

Real nice people around there, you know. Oh, I'm looking for it. Yeah, I'll be there July 9th. I love you to death, man. I love you too. It reminds me of home. Well, you brought me home that day. A little bit too much.

I had to go home and smoke some pot and break it down in my head. But besides that, let me give the fucking sponsors. Let me get the fuck out of here, Lisa. Before he passes out on me. First off, A beautiful shout out to my people. Onit.onit.com for all your supplements. It all starts at Alpha Brain, brother.

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Let me talk to you about something. Today, I'm sitting in. I'm talking to the fucking advertising guy about Blue Apron. And I'm fucking starving. I'm stoned. My wife said some fucking doctor's appointment. The babies at preschool. I'm sitting there by myself and everything I had in the house with high carbs and shit. I'm sitting there like, what the fuck can I eat?

I get off the phone with the guy. I was the last time he had a box from Blue Apron? I go, that one time with some great stuff, they haven't sent another one. I hang up with him. I go out to my balcony to smoke a number and what's on my balcony, a box from fucking Blue Apron dog. I took that motherfucker in the kitchen. I opened it up. Listen, I'm not a good cook.

even if they send me the recipe. They send your recipes, but you give them straight to your fucking wife. That's what I did. Let's talk about this, all right? I mean, who the fuck wants to cook when you get home after work? Or you got to go wait and line

at the fucking grocery store, then you've got to cook a fucking meal and cut shit. No, no, no, no, no. That's where a new service, Blue Apron comes in, all right? Blue Apron delivers, and they even had a fucking lemon in there.

Like, for the card? They even had a fucking lemon in there for the card. I seen the lemon. I've seen the shallots. I seen everything and everything smell fresh. The fucking onions were fresh. When I go to my supermarket, when I go to fucking routes,

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making cooking healthy meals really easy and fun. How's that for you? You invite some fucking girlfriend over, and you want to impress you whip out this fucking box. She thinks you're fucking Houdini. Let me tell you what the menu was this week, all right? For two people, it was beautiful. Sheared steaks with mashed potatoes,

hoistened meatballs with brown rice and fucking Wero's Roncheros and for the fucking family plan it was Italian meatballs and Mexican fried rice you're like Joey what's Mexican fried rice

I had no fucking idea but it looked delicious in the picture all right but hey what do you believe me for you want it for date night you want to cook with friends even for family they're kid friendly

and each meal is 500 to 700 calories per serving all right and everything's good the last tough box I got I think I got fished at one night. My wife got some lamb chops, and I forget some Italian stuff, and all three meals were delicious. I'll eat the two that I had.

But what do you give a fuck, all right? You're sitting there going, Joey. What do you got for me? You cook incredible meals and be blown away by the quality and the freshness. So do this for me, all right? Check out this week's menu and get two free meals by going to blue apron.com slash Joey. That's blue apron.com slash Joey. That's right.

Two free meals. That's how I'm working it tonight. And you're going, Joey, what else you got? You're trying to sell me underwear and fucking vitamins. And now you got food that comes to your house and it gets delivered and I got to cook it. That's a fucking great idea. Guess what else I got for you? Bam!

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They got regular fucking South Pacific plantains. They got the chocolate nom-noms. Listen, I'm old school on you motherfuckers. Go to naturebox.com and look at the great selection of snacks. Nutritional is approved. They're fucking healthy. You could only eat five of them and seal them up. This shit fucking works.

Go to naturebox.com and press in. No, go to naturebox.com slash Joey. Boom. You don't have to press in dick. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey. Fill out the fucking stuff and they'll send you a sample box, direct to your house for free. All you got to do is paper shipping, maybe about two bucks.

Don't fucking cry, right? Nothing is life and free. Always remember that. At the end, you're always going to end up sucking somebody's dick. I'm just telling you right now in case they don't know it, Ada. And that's Ada's looking at me like, what the fuck's he talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about. Nature Box free.

Blue Apron, fucking free. Onit.com, 10% off. And me on these 20% off and free delivery. No sucky, no fucky. That's how we do it here on the church. I love you guys. I want to thank Ada one more time. Ada, where are you going the next three weeks?

Next, I'm going to Japan in two weeks to entertain the Marines. I'll be in Miami, October. To Homestead? Yeah. And what's your website? Funny AIDA.com. Funny Ada.com. You single aita?

I am. If you think Ada's beautiful, hit me up on Twitter. Maybe. Let me check you out. Let me do a background check. it's 6995 to submit your little fucking paperwork to me and shit to check out of it.

Haley, you're looking very beautiful. Thank you. You're a true Latin fucking princess and I wish you all the luck in the world. Oh, thank you. And thank you for giving me advice on my anger issues before I even get there with my daughter

because look at this fucking mummy of death. He's falling asleep. All right, I love you guys. I'm going to be at Wise Guys this weekend and next weekend I'm going to be at Laugh, Boston, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. One more time for Lee Syatt.

one more time for Ada, one more time for Honet Me, on these naturebox.com, blue apron, here these Sigs. I love you, is all, man. Nailed at Life.com, I love you all. Have a great week, all right? Stay black and beautiful. Just want to hold your time. All right.

Fuck, dog. You look at me? I look at you. Good? Yeah. This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients. You need to make them right to your door.

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