The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #295 - Brian Scolaro

Episode Date: June 30, 2015

Brian Scolaro, Comedian and Actor seen on "Conan," "Mad Men," and "Sullivan and Son", joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 06/29/15 Music:  You're The One For Me - D Train Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Hair Of THe Dog - Nazareth

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use Cobra Joey's Church to get five hit E6 or E Cigars for $50. It's a Monday night motherfuckers. We're taking it to the Hilt. Here we go. It's that type of party. tonight. I know you gotta get a burly. You're installing pipe. You're fucking mowing a lawn.

You know, whatever the fuck you're gonna do. It's over. Roll a number. We're going deep tonight to the murky waters. Brian Scalaro. The blind Jew. And yours truly. June 29, motherfucker. Where's the Chinese guy? When I was kid...

Keep that motherfucker alive. It's just getting warmed up. This is deep runner. You guys thought it was safe. Internet down, Lee? That might be in. What are you going to do? Fuck it. We'll just tape this motherfucker and put it on iTunes.

Keep it up, keep it on, keep it up. This is the fucking heavy part right here. Lee, this is the part you're going to see the devil in for sure and shoot heroin or whatever it is you want to do. Right here. Fuck the infected mushrooms. Here you go. There's no jumping up and down here, Lee.

Straight up getting on your hands. Hands and knees, shooting a needle in your arm, and fucking nodding. Right? Here you go. Huh! Look at these motherfuckers leave. That's never hurt nobody. Back on after flame of line, burns low.

Kick that shit, Lee. What? That's as good as it guess, ladies and gentlemen. Turn that shit off. People are going to jump off the window and shit. These are young kids and shit. Right now, thinking about their daz. They're about to fucking jump.

That's too heavy for a Monday night. That's why I'm playing a cucksucketters. B, what is it, Brian Scolera? No worry, man. Just to have you on tonight. Yeah, thanks so much, Ray Bright, man. I'm a fan of the show, so it's cool. You're a fucking master comic, and it's time.

Thank you. I bump into you at the comedy store. The time you're not at the comedy store because you're, you know, some Johnny come lately. You're a bad motherfucker fucking. Thanks, man. It was funny because my toll lead that you had contacted me. Because you went away for a few weeks. I went away for like four weeks a month, yeah.

Four weeks, yeah. I guess that's four weeks, yeah. I was in, I did Ohio, and then I went to New York for three weeks. We're in Ohio. Cleveland. And then I did all in Manhattan and hung out with my brother and my friends and did shows.

It was so great. I go to Manhattan. I do seven shows a night sometimes. I write a joke for the 6 o'clock show and then the joke's better, much better by midnight show. And I'm much drunker and forget it and start all over again.

But it's so much fun to have that many shows. Where do you stay when you go back home? My parents, otherwise I wouldn't see him. Queens. Yeah. If I woke up in Manhattan, be like, I don't need that. They go to Queens and see my parents.

This is the house you grew up in? From like eighth grade on. How's the neighborhood change? There's a big supermarket now across the street, like a big shop, stop and shop, a big, you know, shop right type of place. And my neighborhood all fought it. They were like, no, no, it's going to make traffic. And now they all just shop there, all the old ladies.

Anything left, any Italian delis left? Not much, man. Jewish deli pizza places. There's some places, you know? My father took me to a fucking Italian deli for dinner for dinner. It was fucking awesome. There's a great restaurant called Alberto. Do you like Italian food?

Oh, please. It's one of my favorite places on Earth called Alberta. It's on Metropolitan Avenue. I get the shrimp parmesan and the stuffed artichoke with they stuff it with fontaine cheese. It's fucking great.

Jesus guys. And we get baked clams and then we get Caesar salad with anchovies on it. It's fucking awesome. That's the way Caesar salad. I like my Caesar salad. It's spicy.

There's a place in Houston, Texas that was a hotel. Yeah. That you had to fucking eat the salad with a beer. It was spicy. How do they make it spicy? Like the dressing? Enchovies.

Yeah, the dressing. Just really spied. No red chunks. I like that, man. There's a steak place, Morton Steakhouse. They make your seeds of salad by the table. And I just go, can you make more anchovy, please? And just put them aside for me because nobody else likes it.

But I fucking really like anchovian to Seas a salad. Jesus Christ, I'm stone. We must be talking about food for, like, makes your dick-a-an-chobies dog. Chobies don't fuck around. That was going to jerk off. How was your weekend, Tarzan? Oh, it was great. What did you do?

We went and saw a double feature at the New Beverly of Blues Brothers and then Which was great. And then Cheech and Chong's last movie, which is, it was okay, but then it just didn't end? What year was it? 80. Both of them were 80. What was the name of that one with Cheech and Chong?

Was that the van that they turned into weed? Yeah. Somebody smoked a joint and threw it, and the van started burning on fire and shit. That's what are they good ones? That was 80? Yeah. Stacey Keach is in that movie.

Yes. And he goes from the van. And then the movie ends. Everybody gets stoned. Nobody gets arrested. We grew up on those films. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I like Cheez and Chong.

That first 20 minutes is still up in smoke. It's a genius. You know? He tells him, I've never seen anybody do that much assy before. Tommy Chong brought me on stage at Gotham live recently and never met him. Did you ever meet him? No. It was very nice.

And he wouldn't memorize the credits. He was like, Brian Scalia from Comedy. Comedy, what? Comedy Central. Brick, come on up here. Like, that was my intro. And then at the end, he couldn't read the names off the cue cards. So I would whisper in his ear what the names were because the show's live.

He couldn't fuck out. Yep. So then I tell him the names, and then I told him my name, and he looked around for me, and I was like, it's me, and I just hugged him. It was just funny. He's just, he's naturally just like that. Lee, what you're the Big Bamboo come out? Big bamboo. Bamboo, whatever. That was just a merry elephant, correct? Yeah, I don't know. Those sketches around that?

I don't know. That was like one of the first. I got introduced to Pryor first. Right. By a junkie named Doombuggy from Union City, New Jersey. Big Bamboo was released in 1972. Wow. Yeah, fourth grade. I wasn't born in this.

I was right. No, because I was going, Sacred Heart, and the fourth grade, one of the kids brought an eight track in or some shit. Right. And we were giggling that, and it was Sister Mary Elephant. I think Sister Mary Elephant is on that album. Did it say? That's the first album, first track of Side 1.

All right, Sister Mary Elephant. We grew up, you know, that was like humorous when you were in the fourth grade. And then it came with a rolling paper, which was fucking... Yeah, I've heard that, yeah. blew your fucking mind, you know? Like this big rolling pavement. I think, like, two times in my youth, people tried to roll in those days.

That was two ounces a week. And then, yeah, I heard that and prior, and then King Tut was big. King Tut came out about 73, 74. That was Saturday Night Live. King Martin did up for a while. But I still like the words. I still like people doing stand-up.

Yeah, I love the big word. There's something great about watching. watching somebody rant and seeing what's inside their head. And if they can get to a punch hand like you and Geraldo can, it's wonderful. Some people really fuck up that medium. But seeing like somebody write a skit and the skit just kills you, it's something special about it, I think. It gets me off as somebody who grew up watching skits and movies.

You know, I like scripts. I remember running home to watch Zion Live. Right. And it was just like the balloon. douche stuff. Like, I really enjoyed it. I didn't think it was off the grid funny. Right. They were selling it to me, you know, the fucking balloon and all that shit,

but there was samurai. Sketches were good. There was something that came around that were just very different. Very different at the time. And it changed American comedy that fucking generation. When I met Bill Murray's brother, I was like, you're like, John Adams for American comedy.

Like, American comedy changed during the 70s. You know, that's when Carson really hit it off and the fucking sign of live. and the Cheats and Chong, and then all the stand-ups changed, you know, from Lenny Bruce, George Collin, which prior they just went down the line, even Robert Klein to some extent. They all just started doing this original thing, and they changed it all from Catskills. David Brenner, yeah, when I was a child.

And they, Monsal, and they just changed it to this, what it is now, American comedy changed in the 70s, and, you know, it's great when you think about it. I think about it. I still remember Samford and Son really influenced me. Two guys in a living room, making you laugh for a half hour, just two guys, making you laugh for a half hour. Really? It took me to the next level, like freedom, what you could say with your words.

You know, then Chico and the man came along. And that was great for a guy like me because he was Puerto Rican. And then the one that killed me, the one that I'm ashamed a lot of times, I still watch them once a week just to keep me in check and that's the honeymooners. I probably got, you know, 16 episodes on DVR.

Why would you be ashamed of that? Because when I watch the honeymoon is now, I see how much I stole from Jackie Guss. Do you know what I'm saying? I did too, man. Subconsciously as a child. Is that stealing where you were influenced?

To go to the corner and do him. You know, I still remember being on the bus and, you know, White Hill Donald being Norton and us doing sketches on the bus, and the bus driver had to pull over and go, you guys, you've got to knock it off. You know, we'd get on the bus, automatically, Brian, it was, you know,

we'd start with our couple, the whole spiel on November 23rd, and ask us, man, we'd throw me, ma'am. And then from there we'd go to, you know, Samph and Son. And then from there we'd go to a sketch from the honeymoon is, you know, the $10,000 question or the fucking the chef of the future. Ha, ha, ha. Can it core, A, Apple?

Oh, my God. But, you know, you learned, and it's hard to explain to somebody who doesn't. wasn't comedy. There's two movies that really taught me how to act. Right. And it was a piece of me. Right.

And those two films are transplants and automobiles. That's fucking... And they're honeymoors. I have. And Blues Brothers is up there. Yeah. Because it taught me that the funny guy, sometimes is the more powerful guy,

the guy that doesn't say dick. Norton to me is so fucking powerful. Yeah, yeah. So powerful. He's so powerful. He's so. powerful as a comedic actor and nobody talks about this motherfucker

when I see... He won an Academy Award, but most people never saw that movie, and it was like an old dramatic movie. What movie was it? It was called Tonto? Right? I don't know. I think it's called Tonto. The Harry and Tons, I think he's a guy... I don't know. He was to shit

his timing for the honeymoon. He drove the show. He was infuck impeccable. You know, before... Can you see who cast Donnie Brascoe who cast a movie? Before the podcast, we were talking about an acting workshop that my wife gave me. It cost $200.

In those days, $200 to us was something that we didn't even have. And my wife wait just extra ships and got me this workshop I got. The guy's name was John something, and he was from Newark. And he's a big curly-haired Italian guy. And growing up in Newark, he became friends with a guy named the Weber Plate. Okay. So there's Louis DiGamo? Louis DiGamo.

Louis DiGamo, when he went to school in Newark, one of his best friends, was Pistone. He's from Jersey. Okay. So they became friends. So when that whole movie got sold, he took it to... Which movie?

Lou DiGiamo, Donnie Brasco. So he cast Hannibal, too. He cast Hannibal. This guy cast some movies. He's like, Goddamn, Godfather, too. Just right there alone. You want any conversation? Gladiator.

What else did he cast? Read this shit. The Exorcist. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I won't yell again. Ludo Jamo guys is something that just being in his presence, you come in your fucking asshole.

Read the lineup. That's amazing. The films, yeah. Hannibal. Hannibal. Donnie Brascoe. Do you come backwards or does a shoot around? Oh, my God.

G.I. James. G. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He casts nothing. They don't call him. Sleepers. Sleepers. Yeah, sleepers was the one that really got me.

After sleepers, he did one. One other thing that was men's... The sugar pills. I think he quit. Rain, man. Rain, man. Guys, no, no, no. So when he had this...

Good morning, Vietnam. When he had this workshop, I signed up Britain. My wife gave me the present. I went down at 7 in the morning, and it was with... I saw Brian Kahn when he was just an actor. Right, yeah. And we sat and he was just there to meet chicks. But this guy's philosophy was to light the room on fire.

But then I heard the... like to always keep, if you want a role, fucking fight for it. Go in there and fuck him up and then write him a thank you note and call him up and ask him and, you know, stay on the guy. That's what he likes. He likes aggressive actors. Really?

And then I heard the story about Alice from the honeymooners. They took her in the daytime. Right. And they didn't like her. They didn't like her. And then she went home and she hired a photographer to take pictures of her at 7 in the morning with a cigarette in her cooking.

And they brought those pictures and they like, bring her right in. You saw her yesterday. You know, those are the fucking job. Like, I made a tape for the longest yard. Yeah, yeah. I just said, fuck it. I'm making my own tape, sent it, and they wouldn't see me.

They wouldn't see me, you know. So those are the things I learned from Lou Di Giamo, that when you want a role and you feel you're right for this role and you could sell it, go for it. Like, I don't give a fuck, you know, go around everybody, you know. In the old days, we could walk on the lot. I could go, Brian, you're a writer at Fox. Call me on the lot.

Let me drop an envelope on some days of done. gunned now. You can't get on a lot. And few casting directors have offices anymore. Usually the agents make the calls, and if you make them yourself, the agent gets pissed. You're like, what are you going her up and are yelling at for? I'd imagine. Would you ever hear the story inbound at Bet Middleer? She auditioned for a Broadway play.

They didn't like... No, she came in with a trench coat holding groceries with her hair wet, and put down the groceries and sang the song, and then pick up the groceries and left. And it struck them. Like, oh, this is a hard-working woman. She just stopped them by. She's just naturally that talented so they got hired but she did it purposely she wasn't a mother she wasn't bringing groceries on for the kids it was all just a thing and she made it seem like she just stopped by during her day

and she got the point that's yeah that's what they like you know there's so many little things it's like when people come to this town and they're looking for an agent yeah and they mail out 20 envelopes if you take those 20 envelopes and you hand deliver those motherfuckers yeah and walk in and wick at the fucking wait your receptionist and say how are you and she sees you she sees your eyes You got a call that day. I used to get calls. I dropped 10 envelopes off. I get two calls in the fucking day.

But these were for mid-range agents. You can't do that. CA, they don't give a fuck. You know, ICM. They don't take that. They try it once. They don't buy it. But it's so different.

Now, even on the breakdowns, it says no phone calls. And these agents believe it. When I see a thing that says no phone calls, I call that motherfucker. Yeah. You know what I call? That's my nature. I call that.

Do you really do? You really do? Listen, from 2000 to 2000 to 2005, I could not get my point across in this town. I could not get my point across. And I had a manager who was relentless. He was a Jew originally from Beverly Hills, his father-owned insurance company. So he went to school with Paulie and the chick from the one that played the lesbian with Joe Pants and Meg Tilly.

And they shot the fucking guy years ago. Oh, Gina Gershanna. Gina Gershanna. Nicest lips in Hollywood. Right. He knew everybody. He went to school with all. all these fucking people.

Right. And let me tell you something. When I signed with him, I signed with him because I had shot a pilot, a Taco Bell commercial, and I signed with him. And he got me out for shit. I never forget my classic story about him was he got Jimmy Schubert out for a pilot. Jimmy went out the night before got fucked up. He called Gettlin, told him the truth. Gettling got him in two days later for the same role, which is unheard of.

Gettling was a, he'd stick his teeth into a role. He called a producer. You know, he just knew the game. And he put me on this course that I wasn't ready for what he was sending me out for. Right. That's natural. Yeah, from 98 to 2002 maybe. In the beginnings they do that.

I was not ready if he was getting me into fucking huge rooms. And so, like, undisputed with the guy from Warriors. He had me in there until the end over the holidays, and they went with Johnny Rose Beef. But you know what? They came to see me at the Laugh Factory. He had me in the Travolta movie room with me and Billy Gardell fighting for the Rolls. of this movie. And then Travolta chose this Battlestar

Galactica movie he did for Scientology. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. This was the Jimmy or whatever. The guy who went up against Sinatra and lost. Jimmy Roselli. This was going to be a great role for me. And at one time they said, you know what? We love Gardell and we love Diaz so much. Fuck it. He went on the road with two stand-ups. Because the only way this guy could get work is if he sang a song

in between stand-ups, then he'd sell his albums after the show. He was like, what fuck. So, The guy came to see me. Who directed drugstore Cowboys? Oh, yeah, yeah. He came to the fucking store. That guy's great. Gus Fanzan.

Gus Van Zand. He came to the fucking store. I had this role. I fucking go to Florida. While I'm in Florida, I got a call from Jeff, and he goes, Joey, you're not going to believe this. They cancel the film. But my point being, in 2002, he came to me like a man. He took me out to Alcapulcoquo, and he goes, I'm leaving management.

And I knew I was dead. He goes, I'm going to produce in Vegas. and my life changed after that. I had to take what I knew from the street and turn it into that. I never forgot I got a call one morning that Mad TV was looking for me. They were looking for a big pussy.

And the guy goes, listen, they're not going to see people till Thursday. You don't have that type of time, Joey. Go down there. Right. Tell them you go down there. They're from Boston. They'll go in there.

And I fucking put a warm-up suit on it. Yeah. And I went down there. And as I walked in, they're like, who are you here to see? I told him whatever the name was, and she came out. And when she came out, I saw her look at me, like, here's the motherfucker. Yeah, yeah.

But she played it cool. Wow. She goes, who sent you? I go, I don't have an agent. And right then and there, who's the stand-up before Bobby Lee? This was the original black kid. Harry Spears? Harry Spears walked by, and he goes, what's up, gee?

Obviously, he knows. He bumped into me from the improv. He goes, what are you doing here? And I go, nothing. I'm here for the soprano roll. He goes, give me five minutes. And he took her in there. Wow.

And he came out and they read me right there. And that afternoon they booked me. And I started thinking about it. This is how you booked. I have to take this to what I grew up on. You know what I'm saying? When you want to sell Coke, you don't stand on the corner. You go to Brian Scoland, I don't listen to this.

This goes for 100. No. You know, if I'm trying to cut a deal, Brian, this goes for 100 grand. I'm going to give it to you for 75, but you got to give me fuck. You want three grams. I need 200 cash up front. I'll give you three grams for fucking $200. Right.

You know, this usually goes for fucking, uh, three, whatever. It's the same thing. You got to go out there. And I got this other movie aggressively. So after that, you got nothing. Horrible movie. Never went nowhere.

But it was a great movie just to be on, to learn. All those things for me, I learned. I used to go home on Wednesdays, and I buy the backstage. When I first moved here, and I'd go home, and I do blow, and I lick envelopes and send letters. Hi, my name is Joey.

I'm a stand-up. And I did 20 of those movies that don't pay. You know, you have to shoot them at night after the store. Like the store closes it to, your call time would be 4 a.m. in the fucking valley. Right. Oh, my God, I must have shot 20 horrible movies, Brian Scalaro. I was learning horrible. I did these movies once with these Chinese dudes that came,

and we played two valet thieves that would valet your car and then rob your house while you were eating dinner. Right. We shot at Vitellos. I'll never forget that four in the fucking morning. I'm out there. In my heart, I'm thinking I'm going to win the Academy Award for this. roll.

Little do I know that this isn't going nowhere. Yeah. You know? And all of a sudden, we went to the premiere. The premiere was at some theater in Sherman Oaks in the back of a bowling alley and shit. That's hilarious. We went back there and they shot feet. I never saw a movie that shot more fucking feet in it than this, this thing.

The guy just, I guess, had a theme. Or was it a midget camera? Oh, my God. I remember another one I sent an envelope for. I sent an envelope for this role. I got a call. that like your call time is downtown, but you have an agent,

we have to send you a confidentiality agreement. Yeah. I said, fine, they go, you're going to shoot a scene from an upcoming movie, and nobody's ever going to know about this because we're trying to get the financing, but we're trying to go.

This was the beginning of independent films. I get there, it's Michelle Pfeiffer, and, wow. That's it. No, who could talk, Michelle Fife. The English dude that played James Bond for a while. Real good looking. Daniel Craig?

No, Timothy Dahl. Pierce Bronson. We went downtown and we shot three takes of me and a cab. Right. She's a, he's a critic, and he gives her a bad review. So now I had to shoot a scene where I have to pull up to his house while she's walking, and he gets out of the cab and starts yelling out if I give him a bad review. Right.

This is his big chance to be in this movie. Bub, blah, blah, blah, ba, ba, blah. Right. We took three, four takes, three close-ups. they gave me 500 bucks and they said don't ever repeat this to nobody they gave me five bills cash You think they're gonna want the money back now

This is 1998 That movie You just said it Who gives a fuck Somebody's gonna listen Come after you tell me Nobody gonna come after me I was fucked that

I don't even remember the people's name I'm gonna lock the door I shot so many of those Brian That's why like when I When I shoot a Big Time movie Like you were talking about a grudge match Grudge match you were terrific

Come on bro I shit my pants In that movie But it was a great real I was telling you before, the realism in your acting, and yet you hit every joke the best way anybody could, and

it was real the whole time. It reminded me like a John Candy type actor, where you're like, you're very much in the moment, and you're just still getting laughs with the written material, but it sounds like you're just a person talking. It's so many people hamming up. I thought you did a great job, man. I was really proud of you. But when I'm doing that, I think of those roles.

Yeah. I think of all those shits. Yeah. Like, you know, some people, I always think the shitty shit when something good's going on. Like how you got to that path? People think, oh, Joey's lucky. He shot this with, no, I remember fucking going behind the comedy store two in the morning and shooting

a scene where we rob a Coke dealer and he's got hookers and we beat him and we never got paid and then we had a meeting on a Sunday and they wanted us to get friends to finance the film. Oh my God, I told you about that lead. Do you have any friends that want to invest? We'll take $25.

Listen, if you take $20, and this is way before Indigo Go and fucking Kickstarter. This is going right in the guy's pocket. He's looking for This is great. That's so embarrassing. Guys, this is crazy shit that you meet these people and they move on. God knows where they are. But

when I did the longest shot, I kept waiting for a building to fall on me. When I was walking on that set, I kept going, listen. Because who is better than me at this point? I'm sitting there I'm a fucking criminal. I came out of prison. Here I am on a set with these guys. I got them all fools. They think I'm funny.

I'm just walking around, you know. In the back of your mind, you're going, when are they going to figure this out that I suck ass? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. But the whole time you're thinking about them. They're all sick of the same thing. I'm thinking about this movie that I did that they had me there at 6 in the morning,

and I didn't shoot until 4 in the morning in Boulder, Colorado. Wow. And it was a Mike Kessler production, Mike Kessler's daughter. She was at the University of Colorado. And they did the film department. I never told you about this thing?

Will you end up in the back of a truck? Yeah, and I fuck the chick, and I get chlamydia. But she blends it on me that I got, and she had a piercing on the pussy. This is 19. You blend on you. This is 1991. I'm in a fucking movie where, and I never forgot that.

They got me there, and I'm exactly, they got me there at 9 in the morning in Lyons, Colorado, and I didn't go to shoot until like 4 in the morning. Yeah. And it was no money. So you were there from, you were just sitting there from 9 a.m. until 4 a. And finally I go on this day, go in the truck and go to sleep. And I went in this Toyota truck.

And 10 minutes a day This girl comes in And she's like I want to keep you I'm so tired I don't like what they're doing to you Next you know And I'm 20 something

She's 40 something Harder than fuck A hippie chick That was a vegetarian And all of a sudden She said I stuck it in her ass I don't remember I'm sitting there sleeping

And also I don't know what the fuck But she was friends With my friend's wife And she told them all this shit And the boot I gave her chlamydia Why I think she gave me chlamydia I don't fucking know nothing That's hilarious

I'm having a panic attack Because I don't know How you don't know If you stuck it up her ass I don't fucking know. This is what I like about you, Joey? You're on a movie set with Chris Rock and Adam Sandler and Tracy Morgan, and your story is about you possibly getting or giving committee to somebody.

You believe this shit? That's what I like about you. Listen, man, I always like to keep. No Adam Sandler's story. You know, you got to, listen, man, when you've got skeletons in the clouds, you've got to check on them from time to help you grow. Yeah, yeah. I'm just that I love it.

It's really weird. Like, if not, you really believe the fucking hype. you really believe the heart. You and I both know when we're on a show and you've been very fortunate in this time. Yes, you're on a show working on a sitcom actor. And after the third time that you've said the line, they're still giggling.

You know, that's for your confidence. Some people who don't know the truth about life would walk off that set thinking to themselves that they're very, very funny. No work involved. They took Improv Olympic, and they went to a Van der Chubbett for six weeks. But now they're in a comedic series.

And, you know, those series sometimes, you could tell when people are faking the phone. You know what I'm saying? You have to say the line eight times. And they're howling, you know. And that's to build your confidence. They tell them all that shit. Yeah.

Keep them, you know, whatever. But some people really believe that hype. It's like the feature act. Yeah. After the show, the people come up and say, listen, you're way better than Joey Diaz. And this guy had to do 15 minutes in the middle of a show. Really believes it.

Like, he really says to himself, you know what, this guy, there's people who go, you know what? There's people who say that. There's people who say that. Oh, I'm better than whoever. There's people, you know, when I used to work with Rogan, people come up to me and go, you know,

what really like you more than them. Do you think I went home and fucking jerked off all over myself? No, because the next week they're going to say it to Lee. Yeah. You know, I would sit there at the shows. Joe used to get mad at me a lot because people come up to them and tell them how much they hate at Carlos, and I go, listen,

if you don't know this, these people are going to be here when Carlos is here, telling them how much they hate you. It's the same fucking people. They just want a chance to talk or whatever the fuck they want to do. It's a cynicism way of looking at it. But at the end of the day, it's very... This is how I can let this person know. This is how I can let that comic or a musician know

that I'm on their wavelength and I should look like I've done it. When I got a chance to meet the guys from Empathical Jokers, I knew I had to get across, like how great I thought they were or else they weren't really going to let me in. You know what I'm saying? Right, right, right. No, you're after this. I didn't make it up, you know, I really felt that way.

But it's like, sometimes, like, comedy's subjective. And a person's like in the future, they just want the chance to talk to you. I think you're absolutely right. You know, I remember, you know, I always knew when I came into this thing, when I got into acting, I go, you know what, I looked at myself in the mirror. And I don't look like Steve McQueen. I don't look like fucking Jan Michael Vincent. I'm not so sure.

I don't look like Brad Pitt. So I'm always going to be the number three guy in the pack, you know? And it's weird that those. are my favorite movies. I think the comedic genius in Steve Martin and a comedic genius in Arcarnie on those two projects. On television, I don't give a fuck. Listen, I wipe my ass with Kramer. Norton

wipes his ass with Kramer and the chubby Jew and the other fucking, I'm telling you right now, wipes his ass with it. Number one, that show was written by two people, the honeymooners. Two guys in Jackie Gleason. Period. Check it up. Two fucking writers. And he used to say

there were Jews that didn't get enough son because they such great writers. The $60,000 episode, the one with the tongue, with the dog, that the tongue was going to turn blue, and he went and sold his story to whatever. So, Dr. Norton, what college would you attend?

Oxford, oh, in England, oh, is that where it is? Oh, is that where it is? Is the best piece of comedic timing? Yeah. When Steve Martin, I always say this to myself, whenever I get a script in front of me or three pieces of paper from an audition. I think of one person,

I think of Steve Martin getting the script, to train planes in automobiles, because this is how they lure him. They gave him the script. He looked at it and he goes, what role am I playing? And he called back and he said, who's playing the other guy?

And they're like, Bill, John Candy. Okay, listen, I don't care who the fuck you were. I don't care how much time you've done at the comedy store. I don't care how many jumping jacks you did with Sam Kennyson. When they call you and tell you, you're going up on the other side of a buddy pal. Yeah.

With John Candy. You actually got to hang up that phone. If you're real, a real man and a strategist and a comedic, whatever the fuck you are, you have to sit there and just how you plan out, your trekking a day and everything, you have to plan out this script. So the first thing I do is Steve Martin, this is how powerful Steve Martin was, or somebody talked to him into this. They said, listen, it's like Michael Jordan.

Listen, he's going to get 40 points. I don't give a fuck if you put a sledgehammer in front of him. Michael Jordan is going to get his 30. two points. So what does a smart defender coach do? He guards the other guys. Let Michael Jordan get a sturdy. But if I could get leave to get eight instead of 18, I win this game.

So Steve Martin looked at the script and said, you know what? He's the star. There's no way I'm going to battle this guy. In my head, I could say to myself, how John Candy could suck my dick. But after I think about it for two days, John Candy's got 80 pounds on me. He's a fucking great stage guy.

And you see the amount. motion in his face, and he's just naturally funny. He's going to fucking turn your lights out. So right there, that takes the good actor to go, all I need to worry about is what I'm going to do. And I know I'm going to be, Steve Martin should have won ten Oscars for that film. As a comedian.

And Kenney, both of them, should have won two old a year. You know, the only people who've ever rocked my world harder than that, the connection is when I was a kid of movie Papillon came out. I love Papillon. Papillon with Dustin McQueen is brilliant. And there was another film that came out when I was young that I liked it. Papillon's incredible. Jesus Christ, I forgot.

And I don't like turning movies like that on because then Leo yell at me. Yeah, then you sit there watching. Leo called me and go, three hours in front of a fucking TV. It's Papillon. Because it's Papillon. It's the crab scene where it's in the bucket. It takes us food. It's such a slow finger in the ass.

It's such a methodical film. Yeah, that's true. That's probably how she got, Climittany. You watch Papillon. I forget the name of the movie, but it's the one where, like, They're scammers. They scam old woman in Europe. What's it in that movie?

What's it called? I forgot the best of the team. Shit. Steve Martin and Michael Kane. Come on. They made a musical of it. The producers? I know you're talking about.

He goes, may I go to the bathroom, please? He goes, yes. And then he looks around the room, and he goes, thank you. Meaning he just pissed himself. Fierty Rotten Scanners. Dirty Rotten Scanners. That's a good movie.

I'm going to say, fine young cannibals. I'll tell you what else wasn't a comedy. The best duo before trains, planes, and automobiles is a film by the name of Midnight Run. Yeah, I was about to say that. I can't sell. Charles Rodin is incredible. Incredible. And they all talked about him getting the Oscar, and then they didn't give him the Oscar.

And I still remember the newspaper article. He was like, I'm not upset about not being considered, but I think everybody should win an award. If you play a good milk band, you should get an award. He just wanted awards for extras and awards for fucking co-stars. and guest stars. That's the way he saw. He was like, I've seen some great performances. But yeah, when it's divided between two people sharing the movie,

they tend not to give the nomination to those people. Because they didn't fall between it. When I was the kid, the sting had a powerful essence. Robert Shaw. Those two motherfuckers were fucking savage. I love Robert Shaw. That was, the Charles Gordon,

Robert De Niro, that I could still watch it. The timing and the how they He looked at the script. Like you said, Stemar went home. They looked at the script. It was like, oh, well, you know, Charles Grone's like,

how can I make each scene different? And then all De Niro had to do was just react to him. And he goes, you ever heard of a, Leonese, potatoes? It's like a potato dish with onion.

It goes good with, like a hamburger or a steak or, you know, any of your chop meats. I have enough money in my pocket that we could. And the Niro goes, listen, would you just shut the fuck up,

please? He just, he just said drops me. He said, shut the fuck up, please. And he keeps going, hey, well, I have enough money that we can get some meat, his potatoes. This is very funny. They're walking along the road before the Indians pick him up. That movie killed me at the movie theater.

Like, I was fucking howling. Like, when I saw that movie, I was like, I have to figure out how I could do that. Like, that's brilliant. That is a brilliant gift. I don't know how I'm going to. I went to Samoa before I got locked up. That was out before I got locked up.

Oh. I saw some good comedy. Like, good movies came out for, like, a year straight. Angel Heart came out. That came out. 70 to 85 is pretty good. Pretty fucking good, yeah. Yeah, anything from 7085, I'll give a shot.

Even a bad movie. 70 and 85, it's still good. You know what's a good movie? Blind Date. Yeah. Bruce Willis. And John Larson. And John Larkman.

Oh. My God. Phil Hartman was good in that fucking movie. That's right. Tell us she can't have any alcohol. She loses control. She loses control. What are we?

You're going to say, Lee. I know it's not on the same level because that would piss you off. But did you see the trailer for the Chris Farley movie they're doing? No. Oh, with them doing one? Spike TV is doing one. No, it doesn't count. I know you probably hate him or not hate him, but I know he's not on a level.

But what do you, what do you like him or? Who gets a fuck? You don't care. We're talking about movies here. Yeah. portrayals of Belushi and Heat. Farley, Farley could be at times he was fantastic. You ever see Almost Heroes?

It's not a great movie, but it's him and Matthew Perry, and I laughed the whole way through. But it was not... He had his moments. He did have his moments. When Folly focused, he could be very real, like that. But sometimes, you know, it was a sad scene. Yeah, it was sad. I don't know.

There was something about Fawley that he didn't really grab me as a... That stage of Saturday Night Live did not do anything for me. I know that. I don't know why. By that point, I don't even know when those movies came out. I was already in it. And I didn't, I didn't like Adam Sandler. Like, I didn't like Adam Sandler until the movie he made in Hawaii.

Oh, 50 first day. That's the first movie I got stuck watching, and I really kind of liked it. I didn't tell nobody. Yeah. I just saw a movie of his on Netflix. I've never seen before called The Cobbler. It just came and went. It was very interesting.

I liked it. He signed a big, like, four or six movie deal with Netflix, so there's going to be a lot of those. Well, the Cobbler was on, I don't know. It was before that. I'm pretty sure I came out in the theaters. Oh, okay. But it's very interesting. And it's a very...

I like when Sandler does the dark ship. Punch drunk love. Great. I love this performance. No, no, no, he's good. And he's like this in the cobbler. He's like really a quiet, understated actor. And then you look at him and he goes, he really is a good actor.

He does this kind of character really well. I watched the movie last night that I really wanted to watch and I was fucking into. I was stoned. What is it? I came back from Boston. I took a nap. I got up. I had a protein shake.

I took another night. I got up, my wife made chicken collets. Right. And then she went up and I went up and got a great day right there. And I had some ash. I had some wheat and I had this glazed, those glazed nuggets that they dip in the hash juice. I had it nice and brittle. It was dry so it broke up over the pipe.

That's the technical term. And I hit that motherfucker and I went ahead and John Wick was on from the beginning. John Whit? I heard that's actually pretty good. Guys, it had me until the chick came in to kill him. Oh, you're the worst of these spoilers. I fucking hate that shit. With Johnny Whit.

John Wick. is Keanu Reeves, who I loved with all my heart. I loved Keanu Reeves with all my heart. But I watched an hour, and it was taking me in, it was sucking me in, fucking stars out the ass in that movie. And then all of a sudden, the chick comes to kill him, and it becomes this fucking, and bro, he does this. Listen, I thought Tom Cruise is great in that movie with the black kid when he steals the cab

and collateral damage. Jeremy, Jimmy Fox. He was great. That was a good movie. When he goes into the Chinese, the Japanese club, and they're dancing, he starts shooting motherfuckers. Tom Cruise is on fire, but you've got to watch John Waite when he goes into this Russian persona. Oh, he's using a gun as a left jab. So he's coming into a room, punching you, bam, hitting you with the gun, bam, fucking hitting you in the stomach, bang.

I mean, it is, you're like, I've never seen this type of shit. But that scene with the girl, that was it. I haven't seen it. That's how far. That's how far. And I tried to, three fucking times I've tried to watch that American sniper. Every fucking time I fall in sleep and I want to watch that whole fucking movie. Every time it doesn't hold me, man.

And I'm into it. I'm fucking into it. I get pissed off when movies are supposed to be good and they don't fucking hold me. On the plane the other day. But I was up all mine. I couldn't sleep. Who the fucking goes up? You got to sleep on a plane, man.

I can't because it's a sleep happening. And the machine don't work. I always try to slip. I got the machine in my computer. bag now. I just don't bring the mask because the plug don't work, this, that. I'm out there. I always have to sell on the outside seat in case I get

if I can't breathe, I get fucking, whatever. No, the other fucking. Have it done? No, anxiety. Something interesting happened to me the odd day. So, before I leave every week, the night before I leave, I go to the ATM and I take out $200 cash. Because you never

know what you're going to need money for. Okay, do you loan me $200? But I opened up my wallet and I put money in and there was a couple 20s in there and a 5 and a 10, there was some money in there already. So, real interesting, it scares me about America. So I... Why is it scared you? They didn't want a $200? I go to this hotel in Boston, and everything's in the hotel.

When I went to eat out, I brought my ATM card, and I counted my money on Saturday night, and I had $220 cash. I didn't spend any money. I bought a couple coffees and Starbucks down in the hotel. So Lady Jay comes. Her and I smoke some dope We're walking out And this girl comes up to us

Beautiful young girl Hey man I'm stuck here She had luggage I tell you No I'm just shaking my head Because they're all over Boston I need 20 bucks for a bus

To get out of here And my fucking stupid friend Did it once I'm like you're an idiot So she said she got stuck It was the weirdest thing She said she got stuck Yeah

She got stuck And ba-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b. She had plane wasn't leaving until 9 o'clock in the morning And, you know, and let me tell you some guys, 20, 10 years ago, that bitch would have been able to my own You understand me? You're young like that, I would have made it take a shower. You're filthy, you've been on the plane all day,

go watch that twat and then show it to me. I don't know. She might not have left. It's just something, you know what, I can't. I can't do that anymore. It's just, I'm married. Nothing's going to happen. I'm going to come in a minute.

Right. This girl's going to fucking. called me Kobe Bryant Jr. And next thing, you know, I got to do fucking time and do the podcast for here the fucking prison phone once a week. You know, you just know this shit. And the way she came up, she goes, all I need is to sleep on your floor for four hours, guys.

You won't even know I'm in the room. Right. And I'm like, she's going home. I can't have you in the fucking room. Yeah. When I walk in, I went to steal sugars with my coffee in the morning. Right. And she was walking.

And I go, can I talk to you for a second? Right. I go, I go, I can be a mass murderer. did you ever think of that? She goes, yes, a lot of people have been coming up to me, like I'm a young hooker. And something just what? You know, when you...

Something might... And then I said, you know what? Listen, I got to leave it four, and I'll give you my hotel keys to sleep in the room until 8, you know? Yeah. And when I fucking came down, she was gone. And I didn't want to give her the fucking keys.

Something about giving her the keys that didn't seem right. Well, yeah, she would trash the room? And I was not... Do you think maybe she wanted to robbie or something? I don't know. I was going to give her the money in my house. She said she had $100. That the hotel room was $100.

Where was this? It was $200. So if I could lend her, she'd put $100 up. And I thought about giving her money, guys, and something just wasn't right. And when I came back down, she was gone. Something wasn't fucking right. If she was really in that need, she would have took the room. I think she wanted money.

She was 18 years old. She had luggage. She went to school in Seattle. Was anything in the luggage? I didn't look at her fucking luggage. I did everything in the open. I did everything where the receptionist could see me at the hotel. The security guy could see me.

There was a lot of people that was erased that night for suicide or something, a benefit. So people were coming and getting towel. So I just asked her, I just said, listen, for your sake. I go, how did you end up here? She goes with a cab driver didn't speak English, and he brought me here, and then I got here, and I realized the hotel room was two-something, and I only have $100. I'll give you the $100. Let me sleep on your floor.

And I was like, I don't want your fucking 100. I mean, like I said, if it was 10 years ago and I had a grandma blow, that bitch was good to go. You know what I'm saying? But no, I can't have evil people in my room. That's something bad about to happen no matter what. Even if you have no bad intentions, I have no bad intentions. I don't get off on an 18-year-old girl. That's like I have two nieces that fucking age, you know?

And that's why I felt guilty. Because in the way, I felt like they would have been my nieces asking me for help. Oh, but something just wasn't right, guys. Just Tony better that cuck suckers. You're sitting there like a moose to mook? How did we start that story? I forgot the beginning of it. Who the fucking is.

I forgot you took the edibles. The guests usually don't take the edibles. But I feel like we're on the same level right now. But I don't remember the beginning of the story. Plants go around with some queens. He takes the fucking edible. He don't give a fuck. I'm full of bad decisions all the time.

He ate clams from Queens. What's an edible? Oh, fucking shellfish. on the East Coast is great. The sushi's better on the West Coast. A little soft mood just to take me a different patois. What time is this spot tonight?

10.30. Where at? Laugh factory. Okay. Yeah. It's... Happy to perform. I'm trying to get some new shit out there, you know? Now you burn materials so fast on YouTube.

People are like, I've seen the same joke twice. I was like, you probably watch two different videos. Free for free on YouTube. So I've just been doing a lot of new stuff trying to. So any Monday spot is welcomed. You know what I'm saying? I've been writing new stuff and I throw it in the sets,

but I want to tape the CD in D.C. in August, and I want the three or four bits to be really solid. I said that, and I've been throwing in some other joke. It's fucking tough to write. Yeah. Tough to perfect the shit on the road. But the thing is, when you go on the road and people pay the 20 for you,

You ain't got time to be working shit out. Exactly. You've got to be on your A game. I want them to come back. I want to shake the hand. I want to take pictures. I want them to have the experience. That's what kills me sometimes.

Like, I want to try this new shit, but I've only got two things to it. That's how I feel too. Sometimes I'll put it out there anyway and just fuck with it. Thursday night is come as you all night. That's my fucking Nirvana night. That's a good way to look at it. I love Thursday night because I tell them when they go,

what do you want to light? I go 40, but I'm telling you, I might do an hour with 10 because I got 25 things on my mind. Right. And then tonight I'll go home and put it together, and then Friday early, I have an idea. Friday late will be in the ballgame. Energy will get them.

Right. But by Saturday, I'm ready to fucking throw thundered and you're fucking blundered. You know what I'm saying? That's awesome, man. That's a great way to look at it because it's like, when you're like Louis C.K. fame or George Carlin fame, you can go on the road and sacrifice, you know,

and sacrifice 15, 20 minutes in the middle of all new shit. And they'll bring you back, and the people will keep coming back because they love you. You know, you could see George Carlin, when he's working on his HBO specials, like the first few shows after each HBO special was him just, like, looking at no paper and then just reading the bit, you know? But that's how he got new material every year. So, but it's like people who aren't, don't have that luxury where when, like, if I do a bad job somewhere, I'm not coming back next year. So I got to bring my A game.

And it's hard to do new jokes in the road. But some guys are really good at it. Some guys don't leave New York. That seems to be the place to write new jokes. Like, every time I go to New York, everybody's got a new fucking hour. Well, because you're doing three or four sets a night. It's wonderful. You're doing 20 sets on a fucking week.

If you do 20 sets a week for a year and a half... You've got three hours of material. You've got a special, a CD, and a documentary on how you fucking got that. You understand? People want to see you building the material. It's very interesting to some people. Interesting to me, it always has been. even when you

go to a table read for a script and then you go back three weeks to shoot the movie and you're like wow and then now you add something to that and now it's something completely than when it started

you've done a lot of acting what do you think you like it I mean how did you get into it I really enjoy acting I've been doing it since like fifth grade you know and not professionally professionally only probably 20 years but I love it

I love when you're in the moment if you truly Either you're creating something And that's fun Or you're in the moment And it's very zen You're not thinking about How you can't afford your rent

You're not thinking about This one girl that did this dear You're just in the moment And it's something else It's like it's very zen and relaxing It's my form of yoga without moving And it doesn't make you lose weight But I fucking love that

I enjoy it You know I like looking into another person's eyes and fucking be and doing a scene. And if you like John Candy and Steve Martin look across to each other in that seat, the front seat and be like, oh, we're going to make the seat, you know, how do you, like, did that play that kind of realistic sparring

and you each getting a laugh and it's going back and forth? I mean, what's more fun than that? I would have paid to be on that set for three days, to take the acting lesson from that set. Yeah. I think I know every scene so well because it's such a wonderful movie. You know, just when I look back in the now that John Candy, that I didn't figure out when I was 15, 16 that John Candy, his wife had died.

Like, I didn't figure out. And that has to do with John Candy's acting and what that director shows. That takes the director chose. It's the famous guy from fucking, well, what's his name? The guy who directed playing chance of automobiles. He's famous. John Hughes. John Hughes.

And he always did these movies with kids. And then he does this one movie. And it's so realistic. and it's so funny and I love that John Candy's but he doesn't let on when he's like well the very worst the very least we have two

wonderful wives to go home to and John Candy is sitting across and he just nods but he doesn't nothing about now you look back and he go like okay he's thinking that and he's feeling that that his wife's dead but he doesn't tell Steve Martin but he doesn't give it away

or at least it takes that John Hughes choke he doesn't give it away he just kind of nods on him just that alone it's just I get off on that Like I find acting like this might be really boring But I find like when I first started acting And they gave me a, it's like giving you a wet sponge And you're like, oh, I'm just gonna say the words

You know, and then you fucking wipe the sponge on the table I just said the words But then like when you're really enjoying a scene Like the further along I get now I look at acting like almost like a sponge Like you squeeze it out and find all this other water That's in the scene that you didn't know You could have done

You know? Like when I did Mad Men Oh, do you like Mad Men? My wife is a big Madman. There's a scene where I'm talking to a guy, and he goes, Jared Harris, and he finds my wallet, but he takes the picture of my girlfriend out of my wallet, because he's lonely, and he keeps it, and he gives me the wallet back. And then I look at the wallet, and he wants to leave, and I go,

hang in, wait a second. And I looked at the wallet, and this wasn't in the script, but you can't add words to a Matthew Weiner script. So I had to think, I wanted to do something different. but I wanted to find something in the scene like the water, the spurned. So I open up the wallet, and I just stop, and I look at him. And I just look at him like, I noticed the picture's missing.

And then he freezes, and it's not on the script, but he freezes, and they liked it. And then I look at him like, I'm surprised, but I really say, Bill, wow, the money's all here. Like, I'm surprised as a New Yorker that my money wasn't gone. But I just looked at him, and he played it like he knows. And it was wonderful that we didn't talk about that, that the director liked it, that they told him.

me, they told me to leave him, staring at him longer. It was like a fun part of finding something in the scene, finding a moment that was a very organic. Yeah. It's what it is. It's what you would really do that the writer missed. Yeah. That's what I always look for. What did he miss?

He missed the detail here that I have to add to this fucking scene. You know, when you learn that... Well, mine was very selfish. It was Matthew Warren. I think he's a brilliant writer. I just want to put that out there. But I, I'm selfish. I was like, I want to do something.

I'm going to say, listen, when I'm in the room, or I'm up against somebody. I'm the same way. I don't look at it that way. I always look at how can I help this scene. Some people go in there and kill it. Fuck that dude. No, no, no, no.

I got to give him his props. What I'm going to do is I want to shine, but I also want to make him shine. Yeah, I feel that fucking Brad Pitt should have been nominated for, he got nominated for Moneyball, but I thought he should have been nominated for making everybody else look like there was as good actors as he was. He, like, upheld, you can't see it.

but he's upholding other actors' scenes for them. He's, like, making their performance more realistic by him reacting. I had audition in Chicago once. I was in Chicago playing Zanis, and they go, you got to test for Brett Ratner. I had to go on tape, and I had to find an old man in the Yellow Pages, who I'm in his living room, and he couldn't read. He couldn't read very well, and his acting was bad,

and I had to read the scene with him. And then they flew me out. I didn't get the part, but they flew me out, and they go, I was surprised you guys saw it. He goes, well, we liked how you made the old man look good. because I made him look like a good actor but he was a pretty awful actor but you acted with him

and it was very interesting I kind of like that's the only time I've ever been complimented like that but I always think of that you wanted to be real and that's what I thought you did with De Niro

like I really feel like those are great like if I was gonna choose a couple of scenes to show from that movie just for like Martians or whatever I would definitely show that scene with where you laugh at his tits and then the second scene

where he chases it after you That's a great little, like, C-story, you know, a little runner in a movie. You were a great, and, like, you were really real in it. And that's what I liked about it. And then again, I am really fucking stoned. I don't fucking, I read the script sober. Yeah. Of course, yeah.

I read it sober. Then I read my scene sober. Then I make notes. Then I get stoned. Yeah. And then I read it again, and I actually get out and do the scene by myself. And that's when I catch the little things I'm supposed to do. He doesn't have in the script.

Just to bring that little scene to life. That's it. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I just went to a couple workshops. I went to a Venet Chubbik for the first acting class. I went to Leslie Kahn. That's a scam. Yeah, that's right down the block for me.

And I went to a guy named Frank Magna in the very beginning, but his classes were on Mondays from 6 to 10. That sounds hard. And in those days, the laugh factory, the comedy store, and the fucking improv were booming those days. And those were the hot spots Monday night. Wow. So I went, and he used to write for a crime story.

Good guy, his wife ended up dying. He's on Gardner. He's still on Gardner. It was just so many facts about him. Oh, my God. And then I had this guy. After I stopped, I had that way friend Langdon. I had this black guy that was sensational, a black gay guy that I met at an audition.

He goes, I could help you out. You auditions. He's from Jersey. Right. He had great credentials. He was a New York actor, which really. really gave me. It was like a Meisner and all that shit for 10 years.

He was dying. And he would charge me 20 bucks. And he's the one that got me like three auditions that I went all the way to the end on. Big time auditions, like Undisputed, the whatever movie, the Jimmy Roselli movie. And then he's the one that got me. I don't know what's that. Oh. He's the one that told me how to dress to confuse the camera.

he added a little different thing to what I was working with. He told me how to trick people. You know, when you go to a car, he told me once he goes, that's how you're dressed to go to a commercial. No, lose the black shirt. You have an intimidating face and your physique. Put on a white shirt and take the fear. I mean, he was that, oh, yeah.

He was that tight. You know, there was another movie I got because he told me to wear his shirt. You know, he's the one that told me that you don't dress up like a security guard. but still wear a color that security guard would wear, which is a gray shirt. Wear maintenance shoes. You know, little things that you don't want to walk into like a Johnny Jerk. Oh, I hate those guys.

Oh, they fucking drive you crazy. I have a doctor's coat. Oh, my God. I just happen to have a World War II uniform. Hi. You don't have any wardrobe at your house, Joey? Oh, my God. I've gotten no...

You should show up in costumes that aren't for the part. Like your chef, what is for a soldier. I would never put a fucking costume. Yeah, so we guys did. They'd make a good living, man. Never in my... No, they don't. Those guys don't.

Those guys don't. Those guys don't. They're saps. No, no, no. They go in and they think because they put on a fucking outfit. I've seen it at that, listen, there's two people who see at those auditions that are saps. The people dress up like the guy and the people bring snacks or a gift for the cast and director. You lost. Hi.

Lee Syed. Oh, my God. Oh, Lee's so great. He says you love white vodka coffee from my God. So sweet of you. You're not getting the fucking role. You're working from fucking weakness. You know, you walk in there like.

You own that. It's all psychology from the minute. And you know who told me this? You know who gave me my best acting lesson? Who was it? Andrew Dice Clay. Right. Andrew Dice Clay, crime story? Not a bad actor.

You remember that show? I remember from casual sex. Oh, my God. And he was telling me when he... Not like I've had casual sex with him, but I remember from the movie. From the movie. Yeah. He said when he got a crime story, he did something interesting.

One of those comics from the store told him to go in there and make sure that he did something when the camera was rolling. That when you go to an audition. that even though they're taping you and they're saying that, that camera's rolling and they're catching your movements. So he used to do things backwards. That was another guy. You see, when you act, you take from so many places. So now, because he said that to me, I go backwards.

If my auditions at 11, I go at 10.30, I listen to the other jerkos going in for the same role like me. And they all sound the same. So while I'm there, I switch up the audition. Right. In the acting room sometimes, I'll switch that motherfucker up. because I'm going there, and these three guys are doing exactly what's on that fucking paper.

That's the fucking deal. So I've taken from Dice, from Steve Martin, you know, when I did The Longest Yard, I had a chance. I could do a die in the longest yard. I knew it. I'm up against savages here, or I got to give it everything. The only way I can give this everything is to be the fat guy.

But if I'm going to be the fat guy, I got to commit to the fucking fat guy. That's the problem. I got to be John Candy. And once I laid on my back and shot that scene, when I got back to my dressing room, there was a contract for 17 more weeks. I committed to the fat guy.

After I was saying, they was like, it's going to rain. Put the fucking blanket down. Watch this. And then Chris and him started feeding me lines. Right. And I was putting them together. That's great, though.

You made an actual, I'm sorry, interrupt it. You made an actual choice to the script. The script had fat guy jokes in it from day one. So you knew when you got the plant, were they making fat jokes? No, there was no fat guy. There was no fat guy in the longest yard.

He was Italian with blue eyes. So then they started writing jokes for your way. They started showing it. No, no, no. What they did was, I was the fat guy. Right. So I had to commit to that. You know, I watched that movie.

Who's the fat guy that disappeared from this town? He did that. He did that cowboy movie in 98. And he was fat. He did two movies. He also booked the Taco Bell commercial. And then what's the movie with the... And his wife is dead, but...

What's the kid from Varsity Blues? Van Van derby. That was the kid from Dawson's Creek, and then there was a fat kid in that thing. He was a client and Jamie Mossade's. Interesting story. That kid booked the first Taco Bell with the dog with me. They shot three of those with the dog. He was the psychedelic guy that went into the room.

He booked that movie that we did varsity blues. He played the cowboy. Right. With the hat. That guy had a career, and he went and got a gastric bypass, and he lost 200 pounds, and he never won. worked again. They never used them. See, for me, I get

when they start writing fat jokes, I'm like, I don't embrace it that much. Unless it's my character saying it, because that's what you've used to on stage, like when I'm standing there and just making fat jokes about my character, I get uncomfortable. You know, but that's, I see the benefit

of saying, do I want to work? Or do I want to watch? No, the character was supposed to be a bulky Italian. I just was who I was at the time, 418 pounds. Oh, wow. So they weren't really making fat jokes. Right. I just knew that I couldn't hide it, and the camera was going to add 10, so I was going to be 428.

Right. So how am I going to get around this obstacle, you know, just to work with it? But you got the part that way? Yeah, but yeah, I put the tight T-shirt on. I did my own audition tape, and that's how I got. Again, that's in my mind, I don't do that anymore because I have. I have so many things on my plate now, but there was a time when I would go in backstage, and I would look for movies in pre-production.

And if I saw something, shooting in New York, I would call my friend at that time he was at ICM. He's a manager now, and he won't talk to him because he always thinks I want him to manage me. But in those days, he was an assistant, he was at the store every night, and he would get me the scripts. And I would look at the scripts in pre-production and look to see what the smallest role was that I figured.

And I would make an audition tape for that role, and I'd go in there and book another role. That's smart. And I booked American gang stuff like that. You're fucking hard working, man. That's, listen, man, that's the part that people miss. If you're out of here, and I didn't know, I had to put all the aspects together. You know, when I got the longest shot, I messed up, Brian, because I let nobody know.

Nobody knew what? Oh, that you were on television. But it wasn't social media. Was it social media? There's billboards on sunset for 2000 for a fucking six months. But guys like us who, we peaked before there was internet. We peaked before there was internet. We peaked before there was internet.

We paid before there was the internet, and that center was on, you know. And it just... That's crazy to me, how much promotion goes into acting. Yeah. Like, we were, I was talking, I forget who I was talking with the other day. Oh, there was a podcast last night, and he said, like, you have to, like, get a charity or a cause to have any change of, like, getting an Oscar. And, like, that's how, like, people have meetings, like, oh, what cause should I take? Well, I'm going to tell you something.

You know what changed my life? when I went to see the wrestler. Yeah, that was a good, very good. I'm going to tell you why, because the wrestler came out in December, and I knew about it in September, and I was excited from September. You know, in the old days, they talk about how when you walk to school in the 50s and 60s, the car dealers would take the car that was getting released

that September, and they put a blanket over it, and in July, they'd say, this is the new model 2016. Yeah. And every day you walked past, there was a cyclone, logical torture what was under that sheet. And they'd say September 28th, we're going to have a barbecue, unveil it,

give out hot dogs and balloons, and this was the first time. You know, you built excitement. I wanted to try to do the same with stand-up. I wanted to try. When I saw that, it really changed me, Lee. The wrestler? Because, yes. Because not the movie,

but why I knew about that film. I already got the trailer to the new Johnny Depp movie where he plays the gangster from Boston. Have you seen the trailer? Have you seen it? No, yeah.

No. Whydy Bollger? Have you seen the trailer for the year? No, no, no. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah. Jesus would look good. And that's great. I didn't see the trailer for the wrestler. I heard about it. I heard it from people's mouths the old-fashioned way.

In 1990, when you lived in fucking Queens, in 82, and your band was coming to town. If you didn't listen to WPLJ, right or wrong I haven't said those letters in a long time It was word of mouth There was no Twitter

I tell Lee that Aerosmith Rocks is one of the greatest albums of all time Because they were dead and buried They did the first one Get Your Wings something And then they released rocks But everybody kept saying they were junkies

Aerosmith became a band By going on the road The old-fashioned world In our minds When we start comedy We go you know what We're going to go on the road for three years and become a professional comedian at the same time,

adapt fans along the way. People that, all of some, social media came in and changed the game. But this is the old-fashioned way. I wanted to know why Brian Scolaro and Lee Syatt have asked me if I saw or have I heard the new movie that Foucault always did, whatever his fucking name is. Did you hear about who played the wrestler? Oh, that's fucking, I can't, I'm so stuck.

What that fuck was his name? Mickey Rock. Mickey Root. People would come to me at the well. of a comedy club. We talked about the new Mickey York movie that always fucked with me.

Everybody was talking about it. That fucked with me. And then I saw the trailer in November. I went to, I had to do a movie podcast and I had to go see like a Thanksgiving cartoon and during the cartoon. They showed the trailer for the rest of it.

My head almost exploded. So I thought about that. That whole January, I was like, how can I get? And then MySpace was just getting popular. Yeah. So it was kind of weird how that, I wanted to go back to that

marketing. I wanted to go back to what makes Lysaiac come to me and go dog, I got to talk to you. In fact, the mushroom is playing. July 8. They're the best band I've ever seen. I got four tickets to you. Wait till you see this show. And you're like, how did you know about old school? You know, I grew up in the old

school in New York where you had big concerts, but you also had little venues that big performers were just going to show up. The CBGVs. They were just going to show up that. You know, for years, I heard that the stones would do little venues in New York State

at little bars under like Flaming Lips Band and you went there and it was the fucking Rolling Stones on stage. But a select few people knew about it. That's exciting. How did they let the people know? And in those days there was no, it's not like I get on Twitter. There's told one guy. I called you. I'm frying. Lee, what are you doing tonight? Let's drive up to New York State to the crow's nest and let's get a bucket of beers.

The stones are going to be there. Fuck you. It says, I just looked at the paper. It's sick because there was no internet. Right. You know, I just looked at the fucking college paper, and it said that the stinky pussies are going to be there. And you're like, I'm telling you, it's the fucking rolling stones, cock's like. Yeah, well, they do. The comedy cellar nowadays, like, Amy, some people are so big they can't try out new jokes. So they create fake names.

Like, well, they have certain audience members that are harassed them. You know, like, girls have crushes on. Like, Jim Norton had the, as performs on their fake name at the cellar. Sorry, Amy Schumer did that recently. Like, it's very interesting, and that's what they do. They fucking, the flaming shitheads. They put out of the name for the band. Yeah, I wanted to take it back to old school.

That's most. What did you do? I love that. How do you get to? I don't know. I don't know. It's like, I read this thing about the Fannie All-Stars. In 71, they were doing a concert at the Cheetah.

The Cheetah was before Studio 54, kind of the same owners, but only they played a Latin music. Remember my mom going to the Cheater, and me go, Mom, I'm coming with you. She's saying, you gotta be fucking 19. You know, you can't come to the cheetahs for adults. They smoke pot in there. You know, it was the beginning of cocaine. Right. And I saw the documentary for it, and they thought nobody was going to show.

And when they got there, they had a line around the corner, and they decided to shoot on two nights from how many people showed. That always messed with me. And they were like, yeah, we announced it on the radio. But in those days, it was an inner circle, you know, that I went to see that. And that's what I wanted to tap into. In a circle of people that get together smoke a little pot to each other. understand each other.

They'll leave and all of a sudden it's out there. Everything is cool, you know? There's certain ways to do that. I don't know. Some really creative ideas out there. Like, I didn't know. You didn't hear about Maria Banford

did a show just for her father and mother on a couch and that's her special. What a genius fucking idea that is. People are sitting at home waiting for something different. How many times can you do a special at a theater? Yeah. You know, somebody's waiting for

somebody to bring the brick ball back. Yeah, yeah. I always think about. Something to talk about when you're dead. Yes. I always think about that Lenny Bruce special, how they just close up on him. It's a curtain and the camera don't move.

The camera don't show you the audience. They don't give a fuck what the audience thinks. He's just up there throwing heat and you hear laughter. All of a sudden they change the game with special. Everybody wants to do these specials and show the audience and show the curtains. It's a beautiful arena. It's not about the fucking arena.

It's about what's coming out of the guy's fucking mouth. Right. And what it starts on in the future, whatever the fuck it is, you know? Right. A loose comedian, Owen Smith did something you said, Joey. He shot a special all on his iPhone. Really?

All iPhones, yeah. I haven't seen it yet, but... It's beautiful. I guarantee it shoots great quality. Especially, they show you on YouTube how to shoot a fucking movie with an iPhone. How to shoot a fucking movie with three cameras, the whole thing. Zoom, you know, there's a way to zoom in, and there's adopters and all those apps. You got to know about that shit.

You're not going to get an iPhone and go on to shoot a fucking movie with Steve McQueen and Joey Deans. Get the fuck out of you. Brian, what time you need to be out of here? I don't know. 10? 10? I can get over there. Okay.

No worries. It's Laurel Canyon. You know, just make a left and zoom down. Right around Hollywood Boulevard, make the left, that first right. Zoom down the hill. Killed two of all the right. There's a fucking valet park and throw him a fin. Run into the laugh factory.

I'll take it from him. Brian Scalaros here to sling dick and break Latino hearts. Is it Hindu night or Spanish night? Yeah, I think it's like, it's Spanish night, then it turns into it. Hindu night. So you go in there, you do a show for eight Mexicans, and on the way out there's a line fill the fucking Hindus. Let me tell you something. On the plane yesterday

in Boston, there was an Indian family on there, and they had two little babies who were gorgeous. The father was a handsome man with that woman. It was a fucking sensation of her eyes and her hair. I had no idea where you're going with that. A little Hindu feet. The story, just everything with Joe Hes

changes every 10 minutes. Her toenails looked beautiful. Her feet were perfect. Yeah, they were clean. A Hindu would clean feet and a prick. Oh my gosh. She didn't have the dot in the head. She was free. You know what I'm saying? She was living in 2015. I ain't putting a fucking dot on my head, Cuck, sucker. I'll put a dot over my little monkey or some.

What's up, Lisa? Yeah, look at the shape of you. Going back to Cali. Callie. I was thinking about that at the beginning of Blues Brothers. I don't think so. At the beginning of Blues Brothers, who do you guys think is the best, like, Fat Man actor?

Are we talking about that Say, heavy set, the actor, Philip Simon Hoffman? No, no, not that, but like the... Listen, brother, and the reels, it's got to be fucking... At that time, it was Candy, Belushi, two completely different animals.

One was kinetic energy, and one was potential energy. Yeah. That's the only way I could describe that's a very slow, man. Yeah, yeah. Belushi lived it, jumped up and down, you know, and animals.

More House, dog, an Oscar should have be given to John Belushi. That's a great one. That's no joke here. I've seen Oscar performances. He should have won the fucking Oscar. Right then and there. Belushi, without a doubt in my mind. There's something else he did.

Him and Landis were a very good combination. You know what I mean? Landis could pull it out. Like, the Blues Brothers is such a different movie than anything else before. It's got the most expensive car of chase in movie history at one point. Guinness were records, and yet it's a gospel and blues musical with a plot line that goes back to like three

stooges time. Like, oh, we got to save the orphanage. That's it. You know, and it's something you never see before. It's blues music, car accidents, and it's all shot realistically with that 70s art tour director John Landis at the time. This was before he killed the two kids while shooting the Twilight Zone when he was a lot more brave, you know what I mean? So not you just went out on the hatchet. He killed him accidentally. But he was like this great director that could pull it out of Belushi and to stick with the ideal, you know, I want you to be

the Harbour Mark's character. You know, you don't talk, but yet everyone's watching you. You know what I mean? And Candy was so real and reactionary. And I guess that's right. And it always seems like he's, uh, could do something funnier, or could do something serious

coming out of his mouth, but it's just a restrained line delivery, like more real than going for the... Boom! Isn't you ever hear the story? This may be boring. But whenever I was, like, getting fake on a sitcom, after a while I was getting monotonous, this woman came over and she goes,

Do you ever hear the story? And I go, I can't figure out why I can't get a laugh. It was one line. You know, I got a laugh on every line. Why can't I get a laugh with this line? And then the woman said, do you ever get a story? There's an old actor and an old actress, and they're married.

and they're doing a play together and they're popular and everyone's coming and love the play and the old actor said I you know every time I ask you for a cup of tea everyone used to laugh

it was the biggest laugh in the play after a long speech he would ask for a cup of tea and the place would laugh she goes now I'm not getting a laugh anymore she goes well try asking for the tea in other words he's asking for the laugh

he wasn't asking for the tea it wasn't real and that's what John Kennedy did I think his whole career and why everything was so interesting anyway I like to that story. I just say, shit my pants. I love getting

brought to tears when I watch a film or a sporting event. I like, I cheer for people. I really do. There's something about the underdog and acting and stand-up and I see somebody I like on a show before I leave. We see

what's on Conan or Letterman. I cheer for a comic, and when they do something dumb, it fucking kills me and I just, you know, but nothing. there's parts and films that just kill me. I have to pause it and shed it to you. Dude, I still haven't watched the Lelan Davis.

It's inside the Welland Davis. I just can't bring myself to it. You ever, like, I only killed one pet in my life. I had to put that pet down. I won't see that movie. I know he's got a friend who's a cat, and the other cat dies in the movie. I don't want to see it.

I guess it's just some acting that, you know, Duval and Brando when he, when Sonny gets shot downstairs. That's an acting lesson. Do you ever see the judge when, He's pretty much dying Robert Duvall And Robert Downey Jr. He's on a plane. I fell asleep.

It was a pretty good movie. Yeah, yeah, I've heard it's a good movie. The whole movie, they're at odds. They're at odds. They're at odds. And then he all of a sudden is flimping out because, you know, because of cancer or whatever.

And he starts shitting himself all standing. It's just coming out of him, like liquid. And how the son has to run in and help his father die. And the father's humility during the scene. so fucking real and that's the scene when the movie changes where they're fighting each other

but then he hears his father dying and he runs in and just helps him out a little bit and cleans him up and saves him his dignity when the fucking girl wants to come in the room and there's no dialogue but they're just like you can see it in their eyes it's very I like that shit I get off on that shit I love when people come on the show

and they know their shit that's what I like I like when people come on the show and I know they've paid their dues because there's you know sometimes when you go on a set and somebody's fucking up a scene I go up to people

and go think of this guy and this scene you're just doing that scene it's different colored you know but I know that from watching movies and from getting there's a color

you know Val Kilmer and Heat when they're at the table he ain't saying a fucking word but he's stealing that fucking scene with his look he's present

he's present the scene when they're talking to the junkie and the Mexican and De Niro, and they're planning their next move, and Niro's talking them out of the move. Right. And he says to the junkie, hey, you got T-Bonds, you got a wife, she takes care of you,

and he thinks, and something, it's a great scene, is when he goes, the thing is not in the action, but in the move. I don't know the exact words. It's brilliant. You know, as much as I don't like that fucking junkie, whatever his name is Tom Seismore sometimes. He's a great actor. He's a great actor.

I remember seen where they... It's this... Yeah, he's great in, Samir and Primer. You know, when you watch, if you're a comic and you watch, you know, I get fucking pissed off when somebody says, you know, Will Arnett is a comic actor. He ain't a fucking comic actor. He's a guy, they say cut and fucking action, you know, and people fucking jump up and down. I don't get him.

I heard he's a sweetheart of a guy, whatever. He was nice to me. Yeah, I heard he's not fucking funny at all. But then you see someone like Ed Norton. No, man, because it's true. There's people who are real. That's not a comedian. He got a couple scenes.

They said, cut. There's people you watch. It's like the chick from fucking a gay show. What was the gay show with the guy and the chick? Will and Grace. Will and Grace. That little chick. Damn, I shot Children's Hospital with that little fucking chick.

In Parks and Regoration, she's awesome. What's her name? I know. I know. Yeah, but she has a recurring. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. That chick is Megan Mullaney.

That chick threw heat no matter why. She made that show. Yeah. If her agent didn't go look. I know Dharma gets more money, but we got a, huh? This little chick is stealing that fucking. and Sherry Week was the little gay guy. They were brilliant together.

Yeah, they pushed. They were brilliant together. I know that you didn't think Kramer, I thought, was... No, no, no, I like Seinfeld. Yeah. I don't like... But I love how he pushed how Kramer came in.

After about six episodes, he was like, I got to push. I like Seinfeld. Yeah. What did I learn from Seinfeld? Not too much. Well, I learned this. He realized...

I like the fact that Larry David's scripts were original... Oh, I like that. No, no, no. I watched all the season, but I'm not saying that. But did I learn as a comedic actor? No. What I'm saying is I learned more from watching Gleason.

I more from watching Ed Norton. I learned a lot from watching the odd couple. Saffin's son was brilliant, his timing. Chico and the man, to me, was a little overrated. He was good. I bought a CD of his live from Chicago. It was the worst fucking thing I ever listened to in my life. You know, it's amazing.

I applaud you, Lysayat. I was going to say that. I applaud you that you talk to you. your girlfriend, she talked you into going to see those classic films on the big screen. I love that place. And when you watch those films, you could see the people who have developed from those films today. Yeah. In sorts.

You get a lot of shit sometimes for being a little bit too old school, but I was sitting there watching the opening of Blues Brothers. Yeah. And then when they, just the whole car chasing the new old mobiles are in early this year. Yeah. And then just getting up with the bricks. That was a very original, you know. And I'm just like, I can see watching. and no offense to him as a person,

but why you're not really impressed with like Zach Gallif and Angus. Well, no, the date. He doesn't really do it. I'm going to tell you something. He was great in the hangover. He pushed the hangover. He was the hangover. No, he's funny.

I'm going to tell you something. I do not like a CGI. Once Ghostbusters, I walked out when the ghost showed up. I'm one of those type of motherfuckers. I don't like Spocky. Why would he even go in there has to be ghosts in the movie? Do you know what movie? They put something.

Yeah. Do you think they put real ghosts in the movie? Trains, planes, and automobiles? when he looks and he sees Satan. Yeah, that's so funny. Nine out of ten, I walked out of a movie theater. That was fucking brilliant. When he looks over and he sees Satan,

and he goes, ah, and they both go, ah, and he sees the devil, that's the first time that I fucking fall off my chair. You understand me? I'm a fucking old-school movie guy because I take, I learn from those guys. Who I am today is all a piece of the, those fucking guys that

I took a little piece. Fucking John Candy and Splash. Dude, I'm so happy you fucking said that. With time Hanks at the bar. What? That's the best side character of all time. Oh my God. I want to cry. I'll never be that happy. I want to cry. Yeah, yeah. I'll never be it.

That one moment where he drops it. Oh, my God. And he goes, I'll never be that happy. And he just does one line. He delivers the speech. He doesn't tip that he's going to flip out. And he just does his whole little speech. And he goes, I'll never be that happy. and they just walks out. He's like, fuck you.

The scene when he walks into the porno thing. When he walks into the guard and he talks him in Swedish. He goes, Hey, Rodin. And he goes, what did you say? He goes, I'm sticking up my hat. Then they come in and he's fucking fishing

with his fucking pants up. There are five scenes. Yeah. To their Academy Award last. The one when he's like, the timing of a thousand times about, you know, do you have money? Are you okay?

Yeah. Can I have some? Yeah. See, look at you. Fall asleep at the bar. He's picking a mop. They were so good together. They were so real.

And like John Kennedy and Tom Hacks, the first ten minutes of splash when it's just them is really funny. It's fucking classic. You know, there's not much giant happen. You can see that on a big fucking screen guy. When she's walking, when he's walking, I'm on the bar. When he's walking and she starts dancing with the black guys. And he's telling her a story. He's like, where are you?

And also she steals the pencil from the blind dude. I'm telling you, Darrell Hannah was on her way. to be huge. Yeah. I don't know what. That in the Cope of Greenwich Village. She stood up to fucking Mickey Rock in that movie. There's some good old movies, and I applaud Julie.

I loved it. Last time I went down, I went down to see Hard Times and the mechanic. And the guy from Hard Times showed up. The Bucky, he's a thousand years old. His son played Willard. Did a remake of Willard. Wow. A remake of Willard.

Oh, yeah, they did. I forget what his name is. He was also at close range. He didn't have any lines. He has little things on his fucking face. They're playing once in a time in the West all week this week. Oh, you got to go see that. And then they're doing that.

Did you ever see that league? Yeah, I've seen that. No, you haven't. Yeah, it's three hours. The cleanest wooded in a little. I'm too high right now. There's no clinic. Well, the other one.

Well, no, in America. At that point? No, that's not. Those are the young little Jews. Yeah. That's De Niro noodles. Oh, yeah. Okay.

And then the other one that they're having in a couple weeks is birds and jaws. I think it would be kind of cool. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Jaws is the greatest, with my opinion, one of the best top five movies of all time. And I get freaked out by horror movies. I don't like them. Jaws is a horror movie.

But Jaws is a great movie. It's not a horrible movie. I've never seen it on the big screen. George is a psychological. I applauded. And the sequels, and the sequels, why people who haven't seen Jaws in 20 years, don't realize what they're missing about with Jaws. When they should go back and rewatch it as an adult.

Because all the year-later movies are all horrors, just like cheap horrors. is Jaws 3D, Jaws 4. So people just remember that. But if you go back and watch the original Jaws and just watch how wonderful of a fucking, how simple and the scripts were. Like he, when he sees the dead body, and they're like, and he realizes as a sheriff,

he's like, from New York, all right, he doesn't say the words, but he's like, okay, so who must have killed her? Well, it's got to be somebody from the sea, like an animal from the sea that killed her. But he does it all with his mind. He looks at the dead body. And then he just, as a sheriff, he thinks about who killed her.

And then he just looks at the ocean. And then you realize that's the moment where he realizes the bad guys in the sea. And it makes it this little Roy Shiner. And it makes it just him and the shark. When was his other movie when we were kids? So it was a silent beginning of a fight. And that's what was awesome. What was his other movie he did when we were kids?

Roy Shiner was in a... With a fucking car. He was a white Mustang or something. I don't remember a car. I can always run. There's a lot of movies of car. Boy, Schneider, what else do they do, Lee? He was on Sequest, and he won an Oscar.

He was in French Connection. He's fucking great in the French Connection. He's very good one of the best car chases ever movie. So he's opposite Gene Hackman in the French Connection? Yeah. He plays the house. That's another movie I have to watch again. It's a one of the best guys guys' Garchies.

Yeah, yeah. I still remember him running up the stairs, filmed in New York. Yeah. I went to see it. I went to see it. Oh, fuck, yeah. As a kid, I went to see it because. the Cubans were pissed.

The Cubans in the Union City was saying that they knew the guy who was bringing in the heroin. His name is Louis Ipao, Louis de Turkey. So when they made that movie, it was about the Corsicans, and it was very interesting. So I went to see that. Whatever year that came out.

I don't know more movie theater, but I went to see that movie. In those days, if you had Giedis, you got there. What was the movie, Lee? Our internet is Donald. Okay. You got to get the fuck out of here, brother.

Where are you going to be at the next time? It's 956. Yeah, I have to leave. I've had a great time, man. Thank you for coming. I had a lot of blessed. Oh, I'm happy. Where are you going to be in the next couple weeks?

Any shows? Fresno. I'm headlining for Fresno. I'm doing four shows. What theater? What club is that? It's a great question. Beautiful.

I think I should know it. It's fucking funny. I forgot the name of it. Oh, refright comedy. I'm doing refri-com. Okay. You got a website? Yeah, Brian Scolaro.

com. And then I go to San Francisco. I'm doing the Marin. I'm doing the Throckmorton Theater. It's a beautiful theater. It's by Rob Williams used to go and do new jumps here. A nice place. That's run by the guy.

Mark Pitt, but now he's not doing it anymore, but he suggests people. So I'm doing that, and then doing a Fresno run, and then I go to Atlantic City and fucking someone. Played Baltimore, I never played Baltimore, and go in there. I need people to come in these areas because I don't know who I am either. I need support of people. One day I'm going to kill myself, and you go, like, we should have done our part. And went to see him.

I haven't really had to pee for at least ten minutes. Get the fuck out of it. We'll give you a key. It was nice to see it. Yeah, it's good to see. Thanks for me on. No, no, thank you. Listen, I didn't know you were deep into the acting.

I know you had done a lot of work. And I approached you at Ralph a couple years ago. Yeah, yeah. I was about going to bring that up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how I knew you were an absolute good guy. Yeah, and I said, you know, you're a funny motherfucker. You should be working more on the road.

You know, he's getting booked out there, and you're like, well, I'm with whatever with that. No, you weren't with that. I don't have a personal appearance. That's the, that's the sin of America. Well, thanks, but I always loved you, especially from that day. I think the first time I saw he was at the four What was that? Four aces.

Yeah, with Brian. Brian. I'm so on Vine. Great little fucking. Yeah, good. Good one do new jokes. I take the CD in there. Did you really?

For Vines. Yeah, man. Wow. With National Ampoom Radio. Wow. Good guys. Good fucking guys, man. Well, you've always been very kind of since then.

And I always, and I realized right away that there was a, I got to know you really well. Just in that five minutes if you wanted to offer help. Oh, please. I was like, man. So that was also that you like my comments. I see funny fucking guys that aren't, you know, I got to, sometimes we forget, and sometimes I like when a comic will come on and say, hey, man, I was watching this bit, you know, why aren't you working more? You don't know, listen, man, call me in the morning, let me help me. A lot of people did that for me.

Yeah, a lot of Boston guys. You know, I went to Boston this week. Right. But I used to go to Boston three, four times a year from 98 to 2003 or four. So I knew those, a lot of people came and said, we saw you in Worcester with Tony V. Nine years ago, and I was like, you see, David Tell told me once. He goes, you're very fortunate because you're going on the road as a feature act. And he goes, people remember you.

And they'll come back just to tell you, we saw you that night. You took your dick out in Miami, and every time I go to Florida, somebody comes up to me. You remember me? Yeah. I was there the night. You had the chick on stage with the body shots, and you were fingering, and the boyfriend was jumping up and down. Easter Sunday, at the Miami Impra.

She came up on stage to go. all her clothes off. I wanted to do a body. I remember I went bent over, and when I went to bend over, I held on to a thigh, and my hand went right into a monkey, and she didn't say,

boot. I did the body shop as I was fingering, and then I got up like nothing happened. She came up to me after the show. I wouldn't even touch nobody. I hadn't been late like a year. I kept sniffing my hand and walking off in the bathroom.

Like a sick fuck. That's a great thing. I didn't know that. I didn't even get that to happen during a comedy show. Oh my God. Fuck, this was... Why didn't you have a monkey on stage? Easter Sunday, there was probably six.

And Joel always... Joel, whenever I see Joel, they got that books in Miami Improjects. He goes, I'm really happy to see you still doing this. He goes, I tell people all the time about Easter Sunday, 2001, when you turn 90 people into fucking savages. He goes, I sold more booze that night. Right. It was a three-hour show as a headline.

It was supposed to... Joe, but he was there. I think you're at the fire. I think your biggest moments are yet to come. At the what? Your biggest moments are yet to come. I really feel that. From your lips, the God's fucking ears, and I'm taking the Jew with me.

The flying Jew. You can't believe if I just send that. He's a beautiful man. No, he loves it. I just feel bad to send that. He's looking good. What are you down now, do you? 98 pounds.

Do you ever see Jews? What about Steven Spielberg? Sorry. I'll do stone. I'll get a piss. Take your time right there. Step out, make a sharp left, and there's two doors. Go on the first one.

Thank you for having me, yes. We ought to bring the keys back. Okay. Not I'm dead. What's up, Cocksmoker? You doing okay? I'm doing great. And then Paula like both movies?

Yeah, she was a little bit confused by blues brothers at the beginning just because, like, the people there are, like, nerdier than me, guys. Like, I used to go there before I was dating Paula, and it's nerdy guys. So they were, like, applauding each credit on the screen, and they were cheering as each. They're real film people. They're very film people. It's a great place. Yes, it is. It's almost crazy.

Some people would think I'm crazy. If you say, oh, I'm coming to L.A., what should I do? If you're asking me, what would I do? If I was coming here, I would go to the New Beverly. Just to check it out. They got the good popcorn. Tickets are eight bucks. Yeah.

Popcorn was three and four. For like a large, it was four. And it was just, and no one talks. They're really serious about phones. Like, you can't even check your phone. Like, you can't even look at your phone for. text. No, you're professional. You don't have time for fucking people texting.

It's a great place. Let me give some shoutouts real quick. My man Matthew Hall who gave us some fucking things. I'll bring them for you the other day. Thank you again. My man, Carl Atkins, a C4 glasswork. Made me a beautiful church fucking pipe. We got it right here. I had it

this morning on the morning joint. My man, Sacramento, Guma, Mike Lavin, Lady J. Al Ocampo, Kai J. And Michael Alveson, I love you, motherfuckers. Don't forget Thursday. I'm at the Comedy Store Belly Room.

I'm hosting this is not happening. It's five bucks, guys. Cut the shit. And then I'm at the Atlanta Improv, July the 10th or some shit. I want to thank Brian Scolaro for coming on tonight. Thanks for having me. Live from Archbishop, Malloy, and Curtis. And that's it, man.

Thank you very much for coming on. No worries, man. You got high like a trooper. Yeah. You ate the edible of life. I ain't mad at you. No, I had a good time. Have you been on Doug Benson's?

No, no, no. We've got to get you on Doug Benson, see you can smoke some dope. That sounds great, man. Yeah, Doug and I really don't know each other well. He's one of those guys who eluded me. It's hard, it's hard, but... Yeah, I mentioned my albums.

Is that right? Yeah, fuck it. I have albums on iTunes, if anybody wants to support my drunk habit. And what else do I have... At least he's honest. I have a podcast. Well, this is my podcast. It's all sketches, and there's no guest.

It's just, like, me arguing with myself. And, like, there's a skits where I have a monkey is. There's a neighbor, and he comes over to complete. planes about me like you know it's just very funny it's me like just you're doing your sense smoking dope and doing your thing yes nothing wrong with that yeah so I get it but I appreciate it

and I'm a big fan of yours and I'm a big fan of yours I'm very flattered that you had me on so thank you thank you man I love you be safe don't kill yourself on the way down the fucking hill you know take your time tell Jamie to wait somebody's there fucking stealing jokes nice to meet you Lee I love you brother

thank you very much thanks Joe let's give a shout out to the fucking sponsors tonight beautiful people. I went to Jiu-Jitsu today guys in 90-something humidity and John Evan put the thing on for three minute and I think I wrote like six

fucking times. My heart still hurts, my chest hurts from breathing. But you know what? I fucking made it and I did it. You know why? Shroom tech sport. Yeah, I lost 25 fucking pounds, 26 pounds, but still Shroomtec sport. Those fucking mushrooms, man, they ain't fucking around.

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motherfuckers. But that's how good they are. They tell them, oh my God, the espresso's delicious. The strawberry milkshake is delicious. These are their new products. Yeah, the new products. And what else was good? The cream de lece with the fucking archata. Delicious. I was fucked up in Boston the whole time.

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And you get what? 20% off your first order. Okay. So the vapor pen is 50. You get it for 40. That's how we wrote. Coxuckers. I'll see you guys.

Either Thursday or Friday. Be safe. I love you guys. Stay black. Don't forget the Comedy Store Thursday and the Atlanta Improv. And then we got Chicago. And then we got me and Lear at the Ice House

for a testicle testament live podcast on July 29th. You're right. Lee. You're happy. Who takes care of you like me? Look at you. You're stormed to the gills. You can see into the future. You can see into the past.

Right now you're looking into Hitler's bedroom, thinking to yourself, what's he doing up there? Anyway, I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Again, thank you for listening. June 29th, 2015. You are there. Hittedly.

Now that the show's over, don't forget that on the com. Oh, Jesus Christ. on the crudsey. You said I got to deal with people. How should you give me? Giggly fucking Rosie over here. How much did you give me? I gave you enough. I gave you enough to kill a fucking meal tonight.

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