The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #296 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 2, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
NatureBox. Visit Naturebox.com/joey for a free trial box.   Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off.   Recorded live on 07/01/2015.
   Music:
 Hell Bent For Leather - Judas PriestBrother"s Gonna Work It Out - Public Enemy

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Little Judas Priest, a little hellbentful leather. Out of respect. Gay marriage, bust out the fucking leather. It's over. Killer Raw, are you fucking nuts? Tremendous out if you don't have it at the house. Helvents, Helvetful leather. Bound, bamb, bam, bam, bam.

Bamb, bamb, bamb. Glenn Tipman is phenomenal. He's fucking on. Right here. Check him out. Hit it. Blackest night. I step in a shadow.

Dude to fly from a raging sound. An exhibition. Oh shit. Old school tonight. Just myself and my beautiful Jewish co-host, the Flying Jew, aka Israel's own director. Mr. Lee Bugaloo.

Where's the envelope? Sayat. What's happening, brother? I'm doing great, man. I had a great couple of days, and just excited. to be here. And it's a surprise we're doing it. I was supposed to be fucking out of town,

but we were leaving for San Diego. The plan was basically this. The baby gets fucking car sick. And my wife misses details in the conversations. Or maybe I'm busy or you know, I hear stuff. Like last two weeks ago she got sick on the way to

a zoo. Oh, no. You know, so my wife was like, I still don't know if she gets car sick or not. It's hereditary. I had it. I still get it once or twice a fucking year if I leave the house in the rush, I don't have breakfast. And how long does it take? Because how long, it's like 20 minutes and she's already getting sick?

20 minutes. Oh, no. She got sick by Commerce Casino under 5. The first time. And then we got off, cleaned her up, and we said, let's give it a break for 40 minutes. By that time, it's 1.30. Yeah. You know, we were at the house with the cats.

And we went again for like three miles, and she got sick again, and we just turned the car around. And I felt, but listen, the baby didn't know we were going to go to the zoo. I felt bad for my wife. It's her anniversary weekend, you know, and I was looking forward to giving her a break. You know, I travel every week, and I don't shun it, but I look at it as very, just another day for me. It's not as fun for you. Right. For some people, you know, and she must sit there every weekend and go, you know, he gets to travel, be on the plane, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So we didn't have enough time for us to get on the plane, but I wanted to make a nice trip for her to just to get her out of the element, you know, just to get out. I mean, she lives with that little girl, and we would still be around that little girl for two days. It just wouldn't be us, but... And is it, like, would a train work? Like, or is it all moving vehicles? I don't want to put myself in a... What if I get on the train, okay? Because usually you get car sick and it stays for a while.

What if I got to get off in fucking calabasa somewhere, and now I'm stranded with no fucking car. Right. So it's like she said to me, well, the last time we went back to Chicago, she got sick right before we landed. end in Chicago, that's great to fucking know, because if you get six and four hours, what's going to happen to all the way to New York City? For another two hours, she's going to feel like Dick. I don't really want to take the chance. I know what it is to get car sick.

I know. What is it like? I've never been car sick. You just start getting dizzy and it gets hot. And all of a sudden you got to pull over and barf and then you get back in. And it's like being fucking seasick. So today we found, we got invited to a barbecue Saturday, like two weeks ago. And it's like 30 miles up.

So we got a drammamine for a two-year-olds and a, up. Okay. And you can give it to every six hours, and that takes away some of the sick sickness, you know, because we got to go up hills. Oh, yeah. So we got to go up hills. And that's, like, we can't take it to the beach. You get sick on the way down to Panya Canyon. If we take it down to four or five.

I almost get sick on the Taminga Canyon. You know, it's nine in the fucking morning. Your body is not a base, I guess the word is, I don't fucking know. The last time I got really sick, I was shooting a movie in the beach. And we went up one of those hills in a van. I was sitting in the back. Couldn't do it. Couldn't do the scene.

They tried, they tried. I couldn't do the fucking scene. We had to do a different take of it. Because that's how car sick I get. And I had it worse when I was her age. Like from three to seven, it was horrendously bad. And then it became a thing. A thing here and there.

And then it went away. And then now it's still, I don't know when it's going to come. I remember one day how to do radio. So this day, the comedy, people do not talk to me. They think like I was bullshit. No, I had to do radio. And I told them, I don't want to drive.

Get me a hotel room that early. They're like, no, we're not going to go for the hotel room. So I said, okay, you're going to make me drive from Hollywood all the way to fucking Ventura, and then back home and then back up to the, we can't, there's no hotel. So what am I got to doing Ventura from five in the fucking morning? You know what I'm saying? Go to fucking beats these douchebags. You know, they didn't want to pay.

And on the way up, sure enough, I get sick as a dog. I got to drive home with puking my shirt. I had to take the fucking shirt off and drive with my fat ditties out. So, you know what? I'm just going to wait for her because the first thing I said, my wife goes, oh, I think she's going to get sick. And the first thing I told my wife, I said, Mercy, are you sick?

And she goes, I sick daddy. I'm right there when she said, I'd sick. I could hear the bull, and that's a horrible noise to hear your child with me. So for me, I don't give a fuck about San Diego. I just don't want her to get car sick. You know, and yeah, my wife's like, well, once she gets car sick, it goes away. We don't know that. We don't thought she's already gotten car sick.

One time she got car sick three times on one ride. We weren't even going nowhere. The way autumn, to the knee doctor at that time, and Marina D'Rae, just as we're pulling into the parking lot. She fucking barped everywhere. So, I feel bad, but it's been a really weird week

because it's been very surreal for me. You know, 15 fucking years with the same woman. And, I mean, I love it at that. I mean, I wouldn't be here without her. I know that and I'm man enough to admit that, you know. I wouldn't be here at all. She was, she slowed me down a little bit more than prison. She gave me something

to think about, you know, and I finally came through when I wasn't the perfect guy the first two fucking years, but I didn't embarrass her or nothing like that and I'm happy I stuck it out because I became a better man, you know, I didn't know that for sure that. I was thinking about that this week

because it's two years for Paul and I in a couple weeks and I'm like, wow, Joey and Terry have been together for eight times as long as that, and it's just you always talk about like, oh, I didn't think it was going to be alive till 30 or life till 50. Like, can you imagine, like, if someone had told you'd be with the same woman for 15 years,

that must be pretty crazy. Well, I always wanted to be with the same woman. I was always looking for somebody to be with, you know. I wasn't looking to sleep around. I was looking to be with one woman, because I knew. I knew if I tangled with the right woman, you know, and I, and I

Listen, man, people get confused They all want to grow up to be single They think it's cool to be single I didn't want to die by myself Nobody wants to fucking die by myself When you're 20, it's cool to say that at the bar In front of your jerk off fucking buddies You know

But in reality, you don't know Nobody wants to die by the fucking selves It's not even so much that I thought you wanted to be Like hooking up with different girls or whatever But I would I mean, you tell me, I guess When you're that much into drugs

Do you have girlfriends Or is it more just like hookups every now and then? Listen, before Terry, I was single maybe three years. No, no, no, like two years. And for two years, look at me. Nobody goes on a date with me. But if I had drugs and they came back to the hotel room and things worked out, maybe something would happen.

I wouldn't say nothing. You know, I move on with my life and they move on with their life and that's it. It's a great way to live if that's what you want to do. but I wasn't, you know, it wasn't, I knew that for me to be where I wanted to be, and I always thought this after I got married the first time, I knew that when you see a guy and he's got it together, and he's got a certain look on his face, he's got something good at the house. You know, I'm not talking about a piece of ass, I'm talking about something all around that's good,

that comforts you, that slows you down, that really, sometimes you see a guy and he's really good looking, and he's got a girlfriend that's not that good looking, or vice versa. It's not about that. It's about what voids they fill. You know, when you look at someone like Bruce Lee, who was a star, and then you look like Linda Lee, she wasn't the best-looking woman in the world. But in all the interviews about Linda Lee, they all said that she stopped him in his tracks. There was something about Linda, that Linda could talk to him, that could stop him, that control him, you know. He was Buck Wild, and that's what Terry did with me at times, you know. Like I said, I stopped doing drugs because

Yeah, I promised the cat. But the real truth of that was, I didn't want Terry to fucking get a call or find me on the floor. You imagine I die in Houston, snort and blow from a heart attack. You got to fly to Houston. Get me, come back.

I just didn't. Couldn't let her down, you know. So I'm really happy that we lasted the 15 years. And it was work. You know, but for me it came easy because I knew I had to work. I knew the mistakes I made when I first was married and I didn't work.

And then when it fell apart, I acted like, what happened? You know what fucking happened. You didn't fucking work. You didn't give in here. You didn't give in there. You know, when you were there, you were bitching, you know. What did you think, like, when you first started dating or what did you think it was going to be?

Or did you think about it at all? When I first took up with her, she was about 37. I was 37. God knows how old she was. She was like fucking 32. You know, we just started dating. We didn't say much. I didn't say much.

I was living on something. this floor. Yeah, she said you just showed up with your bag. Yeah, and then one September. Like, after three or four months of us dating, I was on a floor sick, and she goes, come over, and I just brought my laundry over there. And then I just stayed. I mean, what

was I going to do? And then we built this little fucking house, and we got the cats, and we got everything renovated, and we got new furniture, and, you know, everything we made was like a big celebration. Like I said, I won't throw that television away in my closet. Because it was the first TV we ever bought.

What kind of TV was it? Who the fuck knows? It was $200 at Walmart. But guess what? It still works. It's still a tremendous television. It's not computer ready and all that shit. But let me tell you something.

In some garage for somebody, that fucking got to be a badass TV. You know, we bought that. I did a gig somewhere, and I got $500 for the gig. And we banged the check, and we spent $200 on this TV. We couldn't even get a neon. We got a green neon. My car had blown up. My car had been towed.

When I met her, I had no car. So we shared a car and I made half the payments when I started dating, that was the deal. It was, you know, we started this from scratch. Like this was, she would make $40. Some days I'd be broke. And, you know, I talked shit about Starbucks, but Starbucks got us out of the hole. Starbucks got us out of the hole. Starbucks changed everything because we were fucking broke in 2003 or four.

And she quit the county store because she switched to accounting. She goes, fuck it, I have a degree. Why am I waitressing? Right. So she switched to accounting. So she couldn't get a job. She was getting day jobs. What do they call those?

Tem jobs. And then she got a job at Starbucks, and they really liked her, so they put her in the gay one on Santa Monica Boulevard. Oh, really? And she was making $250 to $300 a day in tips. Really? Just making coffee?

Because that's the gay one. They were giving $3 a person in that. Oh, shit. It's one of the best. busiest ones and the heavy tipping because they're all gay. So we were living off her fucking tips. Tips are the best. How crazy is that?

We were living off her. She was working three ships making $800 with a check. That's pretty sad that she made more Starbucks. This is 2003. This is before Starbucks knew what was really going on. Once they caught on, they switched everything the payment, they switched the insurance,

whatever the fuck they do. Oh no, but even I'm just saying like when you're at a comedy club and they have a two drink minimum, you think you'd make more tips than you would at a Starbucks. It was really weird. And then she got the call at the Hollywood Bowl. And I got the call for Spider-Man. No, for the longest yard.

Like right about that time. She had just started at the Hollywood Bowl, maybe a week before I left. Like I said, when I left for the longest short, she hadn't even gotten her first check yet. You know, and then it was weird because all those four years, we just basically dated and we lived with each other. But I was always working on the road.

And I was just starting my film and television. So I was always auditioning. I was always plotting. And I could see it was wearing her out. I could see that our lives weren't mingling. Was this during the time where you'd go out on the road for a couple months at a time? Oh, fuck. No, a couple weeks at a time.

Two, three weeks at a time. Two weeks, Christmas. Oh. New Year's. So I never got to see her. I got to see her at night for two hours. And I gave her the money I got or whatever. You know, it was just really weird.

And then during the longest yard one day, I got up at four, five, I slept one night instead of doing blow until five in the morning. I got up, and this was the first week that we were working here, and she put my clothes out for me. And in the shower, I said, you know, I have to start giving her more attention. Because anybody who gets up at four in the morning and puts your football uniform out deserves a little bit more attention. And ever since that was when I started doing date nights, and I could see she was getting happier, you know. and I think at the eighth year mark we started drifting again. I went into a little funk

after the longest yard and then after the strike in 2007. I went into a little funk, man. It was terribly. Just because you couldn't find acting work? Couldn't find acting work. I was in a crossroads with stand-up. You know, here I was,

you know, fucking 45, 44, 46, 44, 44, 43 years old and I'm a mediocre stand-up. I'm getting, kind of rolls here and there. Yeah, I'm making strides, but there were slow strides. Do you follow me? And then it just shut down. Then after my name is Earl, I did like six episodes of my name is Earl, then there's a fucking strike. And I'm sitting there, nobody's talking, nobody's doing nothing. And my stand-up is wobbly, you know, I'm just going up there. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing,

you know, and something happened. I joined Kung Fu. I started losing weight. I started working on the weight. whatever was fucking with my mind, I said, I'm not going to take care with depressants and nothing. I'm going to go and take care of with exercise. I'm going to make exercise. I'm going to go back to where I started. When I came from Cuba and everything, I went to karate. I'm going to go back to a regular karate class and sit in the back with kids and be the fat guy in a fucking suit in the back and throwing halfway kicks and breathing heavy and turning red in the face, you know.

But I did that for a while, and I did that for like three years until we moved to the valley. And during that was one day I was talking to the guy, and he said something that just made a ton of sense. And I got in my car, and I picked up the phone. I called Terry at work. I said, listen, it's September something. I think we should get fucking married. And she said one. I go, let's get married the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

Nobody does that. And it was one of the best calls I've ever made in my life, man. You know, everything blossomed from them. We moved up here. We got the place up here. We got the extra cat. Were you thinking about it before? Because knowing you, you're not really one to make impulsive decisions.

It doesn't seem like. Listen. What did he say? You lose more by indecision. What is he saying in that scene? Oh, that's, yeah. When he tells the guy, same thing. Yeah.

These motherfuckers, man, sit here around. You know, listen, you know that moment where you love that woman. You know, I mean, not with the part when you put the fucking plunger in her ass and pull it out. And I love this girl. And when she cheats on you with the guy next door, you're in shock because you married a fucking hooker and a half. But I'm talking about this, that one day, that one moment in their relationship where you either got to sit. And you know it. That's why you either run like a motherfucker or you conquer it.

You know it. A guy knows it when it's that time. And some women hint it and fucking drive you crazy, but some women don't say a fucking word. And they're the ones that are more dangerous, like Terry. She doesn't say nothing about it. She went home and she saw her sister-in-law and her brother with a baby. And I can tell she came back and she's like, this guy's never going to give me a baby. I love him.

But maybe we should break up and I should start over. And I didn't want to lose her. I'm like, well, if I lose Terry, I would be done. That would be my biggest flop. She never once in the, I don't know how many years you guys were together before America? No, we would goof around and stuff. And she'd say, you're not going to ask me anyway. And one day, I just said on the phone, I called up.

called her father after it, said, I want to marry her. He cried. I cried. And then we got shitty rings. She made the cake. You know, I had a suit. She bought a dress. We rented a place in Lewesher. There was no celebrities.

There was no helicopters. There was no stupidity. There was nothing. It was just two people getting married. I didn't have ushers. I didn't have people. You came as you came. We didn't even want a gift.

We just wanted to celebrate a wedding, man. Everything is bullshit. Everybody gets married for the wrong fucking reasons in this country. And then when they get married, it's a $10,000, $20,000. Why? Why? I don't even fucking like you. Why are we spending all this dough for?

You know, because that's what you know. And you have to, somewhere along the line, listen, man, this is about love. This is another to do about your cousin or your mother or my mother or my stepfog. I don't do with nobody. We could either drop 30 or we could drop 5 and do it for us. and have a great time and save money and that's when you really love somebody I was looking at that

you know all those black chicks from the view Sherry Shepard the one before her they had sensational weddings with Pete Diddy and Oprah was there and a lot of faintness and fucking armpit stink under a fucking tent in the summer and look at them now

she's paying child support the other one all those fucking half million dollar weddings to show our love everybody's dressed in white like this chick never sucked the dick before. You know, stop it. You know, right there, you're fucking lying to me. Why are we lying to each other?

Right. Let's just go in there and make this for ourselves. And it fucking worked. It fucking worked, man. We had a great time and I'm happy. And it's been a struggle. It's been a fucking struggle. But that's what marriage is.

And if you bail, you know, we live in times in this country where people have a hard time and they fucking bail on a marriage. Yeah. And listen, I get it. This guy's drinking. He's a fucking junkie. You know, you can only give them so many chances.

But I've seen, I've heard couples bail for less reasons, you know, for fucking less reasons. And that, I mean, that doesn't mean that you guys don't fight. Because I've seen you guys, not to have like a physical fight at all, but you guys get angry at each other. And sometimes she'll, like, her and I have to talk sometimes for the podcast. And she'll be like, oh, Joey or this or Joey that. And then, but it's, you guys have like a, it's not like vicious or anything like that. Listen, brother. Every day can't be fucking roses in nobody's relationships.

Every relationship has peace and peace and business. Valley. Yeah. As long as you know that going in, when you're young, you don't know that going in. Something goes sideways and we bail. It's our natural instinct. Instead of stepping back, some of us get into an argument, you step back, you go in there, you apologize, and you work around that situation. I didn't do that. At 25, I didn't do that. Nobody fucking does that at 25. Nobody has that typologic. You know, when we're 25, 26, when we get married, and it's a steak, we're fucking weak. Because we know we go right back to the bar.

Yeah. Oh, I'm missing out. My buddy's getting their ass to dick's up and people flying off handles and everybody's doing drugs. And I'm with this fucking hook face bitch, you know, sitting here talking about dishes and her mother's fucking missing foot. Who gives a fuck? You know, so there's that thing, you know. Nah, man, marriage is a lot of fucking work.

The relationship is hard work. Whether you're dating or whatever, you have to throw your cars on the table. I thought about you the other day Because actually I sat Paula down And I just talked to her Just because I'm starting to look To do some stuff on the road a little bit And I'm just trying to work more

Like I actually went and thought about what you said about Like that I should be doing that stuff on Friday And I saturday just because I was like You said that to me a bunch of times And I've heard you tell to other people That you have to set it from the beginning And that way Like you won't get into a fight six months down the road

And there's nothing I like more Than hanging out with Terry When I was hanging out with Terry I just told Terry now. We were in the room watching Halloween night, Ghost on Bright. And she's singing, and she's going, ooh, and she's vampire. And my wife goes, where are you going? I go, I'm going to do a podcast.

I went in the bathroom to brush my teeth, and she followed me. And she goes, you know, really you're leaving? And I go, the fuck do you think I do? There's a time for fun and fucking games. And there's a time because it happened to me when she was pregnant. I forgot about everything. I was there catering for her. I wouldn't write material.

And that's what you're supposed to do as a man, but your other responsibility as a man is covering the spread. And I didn't say it to you in a wrong way. I said it to you that Monday because you came on the podcast one day and you said you needed money. And I don't, you know, in my world, when you need money, you wrap up your fucking sleeves. Yeah.

And you go to work. You need money. You have to look mom in the face and say, this is what I'd do. but we had plans. I don't give a fuck. What plans? Jesus had plans, and he died, okay? Jesus had plans on a Thursday night, and look what happened to him. You know, we gotta work.

We work. I don't know what the fuck world you come from. You're Mexican, you know, it's in your blood. We work, Jack. I'm Jewish, we work. And she was really cool with it, but I just, I was thinking about it, and I was like, because I have to go, now, like, there's three weeks in August where we're not going to see each other, really.

And I was like, oh, I should say something now. Just so she understood. A woman understands. A fucking freak of nature. Well, I'm not to have to go out and meet other men. What do do you think these guys do? What do I think these guys do to support your fucking spoiled ass? You got to work.

Unless money comes down from the fucking stars, and I don't know about it. Unless you know something I fucking don't know, we got to work. And it's not even that, Lee. It's more of a discipline. Yeah, I love you. I'll see you at one. from 8 to 1. I'm going to work my ass.

I'm going to make those emails. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go food. You know what I'm saying? The things I need. It's air. You always need those two hours. You're always thinking you don't work for somebody.

You don't go in on Monday at 9 they give you orders for the weekend you leave on Friday. You're always creating. You're always looking. You know, people hit me up. Oh, what are you doing, joy karate videos? When hell freezes over. I've evolved from that.

You know, I'm thinking of doing some other fucking jihih Tijitsu video. I'm thinking of doing a thousand things. We never called V-back. We never called the kid that fucking came in for the thing back. You know, my day's changed from day to day. I'm very fortunate to be able to even do the podcast. Three people call me every week to do a fucking podcast. When?

When? I got a call from what's his name? A month ago to come down and do the podcast, the fighter and the kid, come back. It's been a month ago. A month. You know, we don't have the fucking time. The time, you know, I wish I had time to jump up and shoot fucking videos.

Even when she's at school, I got three days a week. This week was great. The last two days, Lee, have been great because I really haven't had much on the books. It's given me a chance to clean up those emails. You know those emails that you went to, you ever go to Olds? And you're like, why do I have Lee's shoe size in here from 2010? You know, I cleaned out all that shit. I cleaned out three boxes of paperwork in my shelves.

Auditions, plane tickets, you know, itineraries. I took a fucking box of clothes for these people across the street there. The goodwill. You know, I had one sock of the other, 82 black shirts, you know, concerts. I had so much shit to do. Tomorrow I'm going to bring up the casing I bought to fit more clothes. And so I got to move off. So I gave away half the books I have.

By the way, I'm reading a good fucking book, Duff McCaghan's book. The guy from Guns and Roses. Oh, shit. It's called It's So Easy. Holy shit. This guy's fucking pancreas blew up. That's how much he was drinking.

His fucking, his pancreas grew to the size of a football and blew the fuck up, dog. He's on whatever the fuck you call it, dialysis for the rest of his life. He was drinking 10 bottles of wine just to start off with, fuck, my little stars of death. I'm a fucking half a fruit cake compared to that fucking. guy. Listen, man, the work ethic, the commitment, you know, everybody quits before the miracle

happens. They don't, you know, everybody quits before the miracle happens. You're an independent contractor. So what do you tell you? You look at me and say, you know, if I can put five hours down the day. That's 25 hours a week. A couple hours with you, do a couple hours hustling T-shirts, podcasts. That's all you need.

but you're never in the position to take a day off. Right, yeah. On Saturday is? Who the fuck takes a Saturday off? I take a Saturday off, but I'm still writing. When I'm on the road, that's why I like going on the road, because I get to clean up all that shit.

Some days I walk in, I think of something stupid and I write it to fuck down. Never go on a fucking Jersey mic's again. Why? Disgusting service. And it's getting worse and worse and worse and worse. You know why? Because they always ask you what you want in your sandwich

when you're not in front of them. And then by the time you get to the caters, they give you your sandwich, it's got vinegar and oil. Who said vinegar oil on this fucking thing? Do I want mice away on a fucking turkey? Who puts vinegar oil on a fucking turkey sandwich? Not me. No, I hope not. Yeah, I always wondered why they did that.

Like when you're next in line, they ask you. Yeah, they ask you. Everywhere I ask you when you're there. No, they ask you when you're a mile away. Then they fucked the sandwich up. And I caught the guy for it. And it's always a guy with a fucking tattoo on his forearm. I don't know what it is with tattoos on your left forearm.

You're fucking retarded. The ink goes to the fucked up side of your brain, and you can't make a fucking s'm. sandwich. You know, I swear to God, it's always a kid with a every time I see a guy at Jersey Mike's with a fucking forum tattoo on his left side, the inside forum, I go, there goes my fucking sandwich. So you back to Subway? No, not in a million years. Not in a million fucking years. I'm done with sandwiches. Look at the side. No, but every time I go

whatever, I get the regular fucking turkey, and they fuck it up. Last time they put mustard on it. Who puts mustard on turkey? Unless you hill Billy Joe. I'm not. I know. I know. Well, you can't have mayo all the time. Yes, you can. Oh, that's what it's. Really bad calorie-wise. No, no, no, listen. Well, you're not going to have light, man.

That's... Listen, what would you rather eat? That fucking bland turkey or a nice roast beef and cheese? Tell me the truth. I don't think turkey's bland. I mean, roast even cheese is nice as... Okay, then shut the fuck up. What I'm trying to say to you is you're already suffering

by eating that fucking bland turkey that they got from some farm that they don't have no flavor to it. They've got to put 10 pounds of salt on it. Okay? You've got to put a little mayonnaise on it. You're already cutting half the fucking fat. If you would have had cheese... cheddar cheese and rose beef.

That's my, you give and take a little. Okay. You follow me? You have a brown mustard on fucking mayonnaise. What are you are? I'm turkey. So I'm done with those cocksuckers too. Customer service has died in this country.

And now they want to give them a raise to 15 an hour. That's six bills a week to do. I fuck up my sandwich. Well, I mean, what will happen if they do raise it to 15 is they're going to hire better people. It's going to be the shitty people and then young high school kids won't have jobs. Or they'll hire, like, the men. make computers to do it. That's what I need.

Some fucking machine from out of space making my fucking sandwich. That's what I need in this day and age. Not to make the sandwich, but till I take the order. I have no idea how McDonald's even has employees anymore. Why does that? Because you could just use a computer. Really, up until the sandwich.

It was the last time you hit McDonald's. Oh. We had McDonald's like a few months ago, but I'm excited for it. I haven't had forever. sales are down. Do you see that? I'm convinced it's because of me.

Sure it is. I got you off that shit. Eating that fucking shit. You're going to sit there one day when you're 50 and go. I still have an asshole because of Joey. They have to lock this one up and drill one under my nuts sack. That's good, man. No, no, no.

I'm happy that, and you know what? At this age and then what's going on in my life, my wife is happy. She smiles and a lot. She's having a great time with the baby. You know, it's hard. to believe this, but I gotta say it. It's just the real first person I've made happy.

You know, I was genuine, and I work really hard to make her happy. I don't want this to be a pleasant, unpleasant experience for until, after the baby goes to B5, I don't give a fuck what happens. But until now I wanted to be happy with the baby and have a good time with the baby, because that shows in the baby's happiness, you know. Well, what do you mean make happy? Because you have a ton of friends who love you. It's different.

It's different. somebody who you genuinely looked at you, she had no reason to trust me 15 years ago, man. Do you know what I'm saying? She had no reason to fucking trust me. And I didn't. She came to me, like, after three weeks, and she's like, all these people are coming up to me and scaring me.

What did you do? You went to prison? She had no idea? Yeah, she knew, but she didn't, you know? And then I started sleeping over that, right? like little by little like one night here one night here

and one night I called Marilyn from there right and Marilyn called back like at three in the morning and she and my wife answered Maryland's like cock sucker and my wife's like who the fuck is this and she's like Marilyn and my wife

like Marilyn you know my wife we went over there a thousand times but like a week later dice called over there one night at three in the morning and she was like listen man one day she sat me down and she's like I don't know if you can stay here anymore night. You can come over, we can hang up, but you've got to go home. Because I never seen anything like this. Every time you hear, the phone rings all hours of the night, people

yelling cock-sucker on the phone. She couldn't handle it at first. I remember the first time Felipe came over to visit me with Chivago and the guy, and Ivan, the guy that works for Gabriel, his personal top-top assistant. I remember, I never forget that. Them coming over and we were going to smoke pot in the backyard and the look on her face. She was a little bit of a lot. She was like, you know these guys? I'm like, that's my fucking brother, Felipe Sparser. What did Felipe look like back then? Jesus Christ, like, you know, like hell roamed over.

Like a fucking one of the guys that were chasing Mad Max, you know. I don't fucking know. He was just different than he was wild. And he had to look at a wild look at his eye. We were both doing drugs. And, you know, it was a different fucking time, you know. That's crazy. She could handle it.

And then right before 9-11, I think I moved in. And we were cool. and nobody really knew we were dating. And one night we went to Rouse to go food shopping, and we bumped into Eleanor Carrigan? Yeah, she's like, what the fuck are you guys doing? And we're like, we thought you knew. She's like, no, I didn't know this.

And I was giving a hard time because my wife bought margarine there. I'm like, Marjor, who eats margarine? Put that down. We go with lightly salted fucking butter. What's savage is here? She's like, but margarine is cheap? I don't give a fuck. We don't eat margar in this house. You think I got on a fucking plane to eat margarine when I'm in jail? fucking margarine.

My wife was a Gentile. We had a switcher over on a couple things. I think a lot of people eat margarine, though. Fuck, no. Each of all these rules. Unless you're a communist, you're fucking margarine. Who eats margarine? That fake fucking butter.

Some people? Some people? You're like you with a fucking frying pan. I have the spray butter. Yeah, wait for that thing blows up in your fucking cabinet. Talksucking. You're going to splay it like that fucking when, I don't even know what the fucking...

The juicer? The juicer. Yeah, what happened to the juice? juice it. Still there. Maybe I should eBay that. That'd be funny. You should eBay.

Lees juice it. And we'll put like some T.HC juice in that motherfucker so they can really juice the debt. If you kept telling me to do, and there's no way you can juice weed. Yes, you can't. You come over, but you're like, when are you going to put some weed in that? You can't put weed in that thing. Ton, you don't know what you were missing. I think if they put weed in that juice, it would be a lot better for people.

There's no liquid in it, though. It's like all dry and shit. You don't need. Just the leaves the same shit. Give it a shot. Let's make a little pineapple juice with some T.HC crystals in that motherfucker. See if you don't see the devil. I'm sure I'd see the devil.

Okay. What are you? I'm happy for the Fourth of July. It's going to be some fireworks. I get scared. You don't like fireworks? I don't know. I don't know if it's a gun or a fucking machine gun.

We're getting attacked by ISIS. Now we're getting attacked by ISIS this weekend. That's what we need now in this country. New York's on high alert. Everybody's on high fucking alert. And they're going to attack. It just makes sense. Just makes sense right now.

Do you think this weekend they're going to do it? Oh, if you believe the news, it's every fucking weekend. Yeah, like I saw that tweet that that guy supposedly put up for Phoenix or whatever. What do you say? I don't know. He's like, what do you think your guns are going to do against our IED or something? And I'm like, maybe, but is someone, I mean, are they really that stupid? Or?

I felt like it was a troll. Terrorism is to disrupt the way we lived. Even if they don't attack, just to inflict fear, just for Americans to have that fear, you know? What about those people up in New York who had to be, like, in their houses for three weeks? weeks while they look for those guys who escaped. That's fucked up. Yeah. That's a whole shit situation.

Three weeks on the fucking loose, you know, my wife was saying something. And I go, that's an embarrassment for the fucking cops. Yeah, that's why they shot both of them. Two fucking momos were running around for three fucking weeks. You got helicopters, technology, see through glasses, and these two fucking third graders were in a hut somewhere eating fucking candy bars, and you're out there with dogs and technology. They should be shot and hung, and the whole jail was corrupt.

Listen, I don't have all the facts. I don't get the fuck. They suspended like 12 workers. Yeah, everybody was in on it. Well, I mean, when you were in jail, was there ever a guard you could pay to do something for you or anything like that? I didn't, I never got to that part. You weren't there for that long? I was in medium security at the diagnostic.

I never, listen, man, what is the fucking point of escaping unless you got a life sentence? Yeah, one guy was almost done. He was over halfway done. They're fucking morons. They're fucking morons. Listen, in today's society, they're going to catch you. There's too many things against you. It's very, you have to be very smart and very well financed.

To get to get out of here, go through Mexico, pay people off, go to a fucking hut, live. You've got to have $200,000 in your surplus. Because you don't know when they're around the corner. You don't have $40,000. Let me go get my ATM me. You don't fucking know. your ATM machine gets stopped and all that shit gets caught now

you can't open up a bank account unless you got paperwork up to fucking yin yeah so you know unless they give it to you and somebody gives you like a pin number or something you know it's you have to have when they caught waddy bulger what do you have on he had a ton of money in his in his room or whatever

to be a successful escapie you got to be financed out the asshole you got to know people who are juiced because you can't stay here you cannot stay here with all the fucking rats and rewards and you cannot stay here.

You could fuck with them. You could throw them off for a while but they're going to get you. Five, six, seven years in, a traffic stop, something, yeah, an ID, something. Once they fingerprint you, lights fucking out. You get stitches, you go to a hospital,

God forbid, something. So you need to be well-financed. You need to get the fuck out of this country. Yeah, and Wade Boulter wasn't even in jail. He just left before they... Paperwork. You know, you've got to know the local cops and pay them off so if somebody inquires, they can call you and go,

hey, they're on their way down here. Somebody reported you're in America's Most Wanted. And now you can fly the mazolon on a fucking boat. You got to have multiple passports, multiple fucking things. You know, it's just too much. And you're two fucking white dudes with Confederate flags. Well, where are you going to go? It wasn't planned out.

Yeah, one guy was going to go to Mexico. They had one gun that were going to kill them. the guards, husband, it was just too fucking much, man. Yeah, I never thought one time about it. And when I was in Camp George West,

I was there for fucking eight months, seven months, let me tell you something. Nobody ever thought about it. And you could just jump a fucking fence. And it's right there. It's right there. It just doesn't make sense.

Unless you have a life fucking sentence and, because you're not even going to die in these days, not anymore, right? How long does it take for an appeal to fucking end? 25, 9, 29,000 years?

Yeah. By that time, you're going to be dead anyway. So when do you escape? I mean, at what point do you escape? Something has to make you escape. If I know, I got 30 million fucking Europe waiting for me, I'm out of there. Well, you said you drove vans for the prison, right? To go get food or something?

Right. Not one party of you ever was like, I could just drive off right now. All of them said it, goofing around. We could just drive off right now. Now what? Now you're driving down I-70 with an orange fucking jumpsuit. Okay, you tell you, girlfriend that dummy to pull over.

How much money she's fucking got? She's going to tell somebody too. So now you've got three people that fucking know. Okay, now where are you going to go? You're in Colorado. So this van is it? So you have to do it, so you have the longest amount of time until they know. So let's say you leave at 8 and you don't have to come back to 12.

That gives you a four-hour start. That's a beautiful thing. You drive the fucking Invix. You drive somewhere, you meet your fucking girlfriend. You get different ID and you go right to the local airport and fly the hell out of that. and hopefully, you know, they won't see you. That's one way. You fly into somebody else's name.

You have a fake ID. Go right to Denver Airport or charter a fucking plane. Charter a plane under her name, put a disguise on, and shoot the fuck out of that. First of all, they know your girlfriend's name. She's come to visit you in jail, whatever the fuck. They have all this shit on paperwork. Right.

So they're going to go right to her job. And what are they going to tell her? She hasn't been here for three days. Boom. Now you're a fucking fugitive. she told the sister she told somebody no chick leaves without telling somebody

okay and eventually that chick whoever she told is going to crack and what do you have you get caught man and then it gets worse for you then you'll never get bail then you'll always be in a maximum security until the end of your sentence you know they said they were going to put this guy

who they just caught in solitary for a minimum of seven years that's fucking what the fuck you know and listen he gave it that own New York try You got within two miles of Canada But I would think Canada would extrad at you So I don't even think there's a big deal Now you got to go somewhere and get a job

And what's the first thing you're going to do When you fucking get a job You're going to get a check and do drugs You're going to go to a fucking bar And that's when the problem starts all over again Every time you go to that bar Every time you buy a bag of weed Your fucking chances improve of getting fucking nailed

You know it's funny I was thinking about prison I was thinking about a... I'm trying to write, man. Sometimes when I write something, I discover other things that I forget about my life. And I was thinking about this dude, and Timmy Holloway will listen to this,

and I don't know if he remembers this guy. When I was a kid, but after my mother died, I was very weak, and I didn't know, and I was angry at the world. And at that time, people had given me money at the funeral. And I had put some money away, and I had a little gig. Carmine got me a little gig.

And this kid came into my life that I had always known. His name was Mike Denny. they called him the devil. And they didn't call him the devil because he was a nice kid. They called him the devil because he was the fucking devil. He was a state championship wrestler. He went to like a big time college, but then he quit because his parents owned the, his father owned a ship. When a ship comes off, the ocean, when they dock and they take everything out, they're fucked up the ships.

Him and his father and his brothers are going that ship, paint everything, take the rust off, fix this, fix that, weld that. well that back, do this, pick up the ship. They do everything. The ship had 20 days. You had to do 40 days worth the work in 20 days. So Mike Denny worked 16 hours a day. He was one of the hardest working kids. But he also stole everything that wasn't glued down.

And I was his assistant. So what I would do is this is how I broke into the feet. Like I was always a fucking piece of shit thief. But how I got creepier was hanging out with money. Mike Denny because Mike Denny had no conscience. Mike Denny would steal anything. You know, I would call Mike Denny and go, what's up, nothing? Where are you?

Home? I'm picking you up at the Benders. He picked me up and we'd go to Newark and we'd steal four fucking things that he had put out that he had stole from the ship and he was going to sell it to somebody else, a different contractor. He stole something every day, guys. Every day we stole something. And a lot of times I was hanging out with a villa.

I'd be hanging out with my friends that were my age. But on some nights, he would call me up and go, I got some great blow. You want to do some cold tonight? Fuck, yeah. And I go over there. And that was my first taste of the mafia without being in the mafia.

He wasn't Italian, but he, it's the ship business. All he hung out with was Italian people. And he was robbing these people. Just from the ships he was working on? He was robbing. I mean, dog, when I was with him, we robbed ships, we robbed drug dealers, we robbed people on the street. I saw him,

beat the fuck out of a uniform cop on time in the Bronx. He was tough and he was crazy. You know what he's in jail for, killing his wife in North Carolina. Motherfucker. I mean, this guy was nuts. I must have hung out with him. You don't want to get caught like that. No, and I knew the law...

At that time, I had a combination death wish. Well, yeah, man. Can you believe your... Like, you say it sometimes, but I didn't know some of that stuff. Like, how... Oh, my God. You've done like 9,000 times. Oh, my God.

I hung out with my daddy like on Wednesday. And we'd always do drugs. We'd always go into the city. There was always everything we did. And he was robbing me. I mean, let's say we robbed four things. We got a thousand bucks. He'd give me $2 an hour.

And tell me all he got was $3.50. He was giving me $2.1 because he liked me. And I'm like, you motherfucker. You know, and I knew it. But I didn't care because he was introducing me to people. I was learning. I mean, you know, he had no character. He had no coot.

He had no class. There was nothing to this guy. You know, if he didn't have something to steal, he would go rob one of his friends. Like, I remember him stealing sheet metal. Like, if we didn't steal something, he had someplace where he'd go, and he'd take three sheets of sheet metal off.

Get $300 a sheet in those days and give me $200 bucks. Out of the 900. And we'd go into the city and we buy blow or something like that. I was 16 hanging out with this fucking 22 year old that had an RX7 We went to concerts

We went to, you know, he always had a fake ID for me He always knew the doorman at bars You know, like, yo, he would take me to bars Where he knew the people So I would be up at the fucking bar drinking with these guys But he was evil 16 and 22 Jesus Christ

Oh my God But I used to make money with him I stopped hanging out with him because I think I stopped hanging out with him towards the... Once I lived up town, April of... I hung out with him probably from

summer of 79 to like summer of 81. It was like a two-year apprenticeship I did under this fucking thief. This creature of a man. I've been telling him a story about a guy that made a chick suck 16 dicks after a football game in high school

that we called a marathon woman. You know who the guy that was prepped her out that was making a new that. Jimmy Denny, his brother. What the fuck? The whole family was like the devil. He was a twin sister. Janie, who was fucking gorgeous. She had big blue eyes

and big tities even back then. Then he had a brother that looked like fucking a big Santa Claus with a beard. And then his father would always sit in the chair, drunk and go, how you doing, Coco? Thanks for coming over and hanging out and stuff. The father was pretty cool. I don't remember the mom. I remember the three fucking, the

brother, the sister, and the creepy brother. He thought he was Jimmy Page. The one that got the chick marathon. She would blow 16 guys. They'd even make out with her. Like he was nasty, and he had no teeth, but he had false teeth. He would put him in and take him out and shit, Jimmy Denny. Asterical.

You never said she'd being pimped out? He wasn't pimping around. Like, let's say I'd see Jimmy Denny, right? I'd be walking home, and I'd see Jimmy go, Coco, come over here. He'd go, say hello, Arlene. And then Arlene would say, hi, hi, Coco. And he'd go, you like Arlene? Cole? You like Arlene? Why don't you suck my friend's dick? And she'd go, come on.

Come on, suck his dick one time. Just suck it on the side. I'll look out. Come on, I'll take care of you later. You know, I love you. He would talk her into sucking. That's that chick marathon. I don't know if Arlene was in him.

I'm just making that up. But that's how he would do the chicks. Like, he was, he was like two or three years older than I was Jimmy Denny because his brother Mike was older than Jimmy. And Jimmy looked older because he had no teeth. Sometimes he took his teeth out. And he dipped me like this and he put him back in. And he had long, creepy hair and fucking long, freaky finger.

nails and they play. He thought he was Jimmy Page and shit. Did they live in like a trailer? No, no, no, they had a nice house. They lived on murderers row. They lived on, they lived on the street. That might have been in it. They lived on the street where I hung out a lot and it was a good street to live on.

It was next to Gunter Brown, where I did heroin the first time. Across from Joe Rayo, who was a cop, a dear friend of mine, who had two brothers, one of them, ended up, one of them, ended up killing the fucking the flower guy up the corner by my house, the gay guy, hit him with a shovel or some He did time.

Then the other brother was a cop, and he got arrested for corruption. That's Joe Rail. Then the guy next to him went to flanneries or something. They had a cute sister. She was good friends with me. Dear friends, very nice, very polite. And she had a brother that was very nice. And he joined the service, and he came home on leave one night,

went to Union City. In the 80s, when it was gone to Routown, and he went into a Cuban restaurant, started talking shit, and one of Cubans fucking shot him, dog. He didn't die. He fucking lived, but he got shot in Union City. And then up the corner from them was the Morans, Kathy Moran, where I used to hang out in the house. She used to be a track runner.

And when I used to be in shape for basketball, her and I would run at night. And then the next to them was Garcia's. And under the Garcia was Martin the Fag. Martin the Fag was the Coke dealer I robbed. It was good friends with my mother. After my mother died, I robbed them. He put a Santa Ria fucking spell on me that. Across from that was the Jansansans.

That was murderous row. That was a good street. The Longos lived up the corner, Nancy Longo. She's on Facebook all fucked up today. Talking about Jesus and fuck and whatever the fuck she's talking about. So that's why it's murderous fucking row. And I walked on that block a lot because you got to walk on there to go to the Spick store. Right around the corner from Gunther Brown, there was the Spick store, Herman the Spick, who was friends with Martin the Fag.

Of course. No, they weren't friends. They were brother and brother. But Herman the Spick hated Martin the Fag, even though they were brothers. And he was married to some chick. The chicken is cheating on him. This is years after I left Jersey. With Martin?

No, Martin was a fag. But Herman's wife cheated on. She was a good-looking Cuban woman. Herman hit her, and they put him in jail, and he killed himself in the jail cell. Jesus. Very tragic street. That's why I call it Murderer's Road.

Right across the street from Jay Horan's son, where I saw the black guy's head get caught by the fucking by the thing that, you know, when you pick shit up and you move it. Yeah. What does that call? The hand cart? Hand cart. I saw his head get caught in the hand cart.

That's a tremendous street. I played football on that street. Jimmy and Johnny Rayle, those are the names. They were twins. Joe Rayl was the brother I hung out with that. Ended of being a cop. Very dear friend of mine. I love him with all my heart.

But he had two brothers, man, that were twins. One of them robbed my house. Right before my mother died, he robbed eight ounces of pot out of my basement. I love those motherfucking twins. They're the first person who's ever turned me on to Dark Rye. I went to that house, and their father. He gave me a dark rice sandwich with like ham and cheese.

My fucking taste marks almost blew up. I told you I had a piece of dark ride about three weeks ago. My head almost blew. I hadn't had that shit in fucking 30 years. But that was murderers' row. And the Denny is living next to the fucking Gunter. I did heroin the first time. So they were kind of close.

And it's weird now looking back that they were both like devilish motherfuckers. And they hung out with each other. And I got, you know, today I have no. Mike Denny taught me a lot. You know why he taught me. He taught me about con men. because he was a fucking con man and you know what I learned from looking at Mike Danny

you just walk away like you don't even get into talking with them because once you get into conversation with a conman he's got you he's got you like he's got you like you walking down a fucking street they got this new thing now if somebody comes up and he says here's a gift for you a box

and then they tell you a piece of paper and it's like $149 and you have to give them the box back but he already got possession of the fucking bucks. Those are con men. Those Africans you see in New York selling watches, whatever fake. They're con men. You never stop. You never even look at those.

They're the devil. And I'm not saying these. I'm just saying, and that's what Mike Denny's lesson was. I don't talk to nobody. Ever since then, I don't know nothing. Hey, man, come here. I got a deal for you. Ten ounces below.

I don't know nothing. Yeah, but you and Lee were just over there buying coat. Me? I don't know nothing. and the more you talk, like if you say anything else and say, I don't know nothing, you lost. Like, yeah, you and Lee were over there buying Coke. Once you go, no, no, no, me and Lee were not. You lost.

Don't say a word. I don't know nothing. And keep walking, as you're saying, I don't know nothing. And they think you're crazy. I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. What that dude said to me last week, can I talk to you for a second? The one I gave the shirt to and the five bucks by the Bank of America.

I don't listen to a word, a tippa who is a whore or some shit. I don't know nothing I don't fucking know nothing I don't know I like these people that twit me and say who are you bringing to the next time I don't know nothing

and they sit and they're like I don't know nothing hey listen get this guy on the podcast sure whatever absolutely I'm on I'll call him right now

I don't know nothing I don't know nothing you understand me that's the fucking key word Lisa yeah that's the name of your next special I don't fucking know nothing Colin

Involptical Yeah, Mike Denny would set up fucking like Like Mike Denny would set up Like Mike Denny would call him and say, hey man Like Lee Lee got any blow tonight Hell yeah

Like he'd go You're friends with Lee Like he knew I was friends with Lee He'd call me up He'd go hey man You know, hey man, your friend Lee He got any blood in there? Yeah, yeah

You think he's got an eight ball? Yeah, yeah Who's saying you're an A ball? What do you think he's got in the house? That was the question. That's how I knew he was going to start tricking. And then he would call you in front of me and start with the... Amen.

Listen, I got a deal tonight. Let me buy an eight ball from you. Let me get it for $200. And now I come back, give me the second one for $350. And he just confused you. He was brilliant. And I'd sit there and go, that's my friend. You're robbing.

No, no, no, no. He'd get pissed off at me. Joey, it's business. No, it's not business. You're going to rob him. And then you're going to set up a problem with me. And then I love this guy. So it got into too many of those with him.

I learned what it was to be a con man. He was brilliant. It was in his blood. I don't know how to fuck. And he went up to strangers. He did the creepiest fucking things. I don't know how to fuck he got away with it. And, you know, he was one of those guys, man.

That, I ain't going to lie to know. But at that age, I knew I was going to end up in jail. The problem, and the question was when. I always knew he was going to end up in jail. Like, I forgot all about him, like Lucy Snorber. It was one of those things in my life that I just remember Mike Denny three weeks ago. I was writing about that time period. And I thought of a particular story one night.

And I was like, I was at Mike Denny. Oh, my God. One of the worst things I ever saw with Mike Denny that made me really stop hanging with Mike Denny was I saw a car accident. We were the fifth people when we got there. We got there as the ambulance got there. And I could hear the girl screaming. And they had to get the jaws of life to cut them out. He was dead.

the guy was dead and we and how we were on acid me and mike daddy that's why i don't drink and drive today that's the reason it's a good reason 19 new year's 1980 to 81 we went to a concert i don't remember what concert we went i wish i fucking remember and we were or we were going to a concert the next day and we were just taking a ride and we went out i don't think we were drinking i think we smoked the joint. We were listening to like Harold Smith in the car and we saw it at the light. Like we were out of light and we saw the whole thing and then we saw

people running over there and then as we pulled up real slow they couldn't get out. Something was on fire. It was horribly. And I remember the cop when the cops were cutting the thing on, one of the cops came back or something and said there were

vodka bottles in there. They were drinking. And I remember how that always stuck with me like her yells and the vodka bottles and I remember getting the car going home and going one thing I know for sure

is I'm never fucking drinking and drive like I'm never fucking drinking and drive and I got done done done at that age right there which was you know 34 something years ago so it was very interesting I'm telling you I learned a lot with Mike

with Mike Denny I wish him luck you guys ever talk me and Mike ended in a good way but I'd see him out and he'd try to work me and I'd tell him

yeah yeah I'd call him and I'd never call him and then he just drifted away and I drifted away we went to a fucking good concert we went to see the him and I was young and he took me to see

the new barbarians which was the Stones without Mick Jagger it was Keith Richards and Ron Wood and Stanley Clark and he took me to that concert he took me to a lot of neat things

man had a lot of great times of them, but everything was always a fucking crime. Everything. We didn't do anything on the legit, you know? And at that time, yeah, I was working on a lumber yard, and he was helping me sell the wood, right? The wood was $40 a piece of four by eight, and I would sell it for 20. He'd want 15 of the fucking 20. And I go, Dens, I'm the one that's fucking stealing.

Yeah, yeah, but I'm the one that's selling it. So I couldn't do business with him. He was the mafia. He was always the mafia. mafia. He was like the Russians. So what are you going to do for the 4th of July, fucko? I bought a grill and Paula's mom was going to cook, Karnasada again, I think.

Where? I don't know. We were thinking maybe even North Hollywood Park or a park up by them. Are you really a fucking half a weekend? That's what we did last year. You went out to a park, just you heard of cousin. Yeah, and her mom cooked. Right out in the open like savages.

And we got there late. It was like this. Not even your backyard. Somebody else's park next to squirrel shit. And, like, we didn't, like, people got there, like, to get, like, the good spots and shit. But there was a lot of people there. Her mom likes to cook. That's it. That's all you got.

What she cook? Carnetada. With what? When you mean with what? She makes some fucking, uh... Yeah, she makes corn, too. You have some beans? Did you get the fucking wrap so you can put it all in there and the fucking, what do they call that?

The blanket. It's amazing how you go out to these restaurants now. And everybody got, what do they call them? Raps. That ain't a wrap. That's a Mexican that you fucking robbed. How can you call that a rap? That's a burrito.

Well, yeah, well, a lot of cultures have it. Like, there's like... What culture? What culture? Who calls it a rap? Since when? Since when? I grew up in this fucking country.

There's swarma and, like, gyros. That's that. Those are the fucking Arabs. Okay. But when did the rap come along? Yeah, and pretty weird. Yeah. The rap culture.

What fucking culture? The gentile culture? Why don't you like raps? I didn't like raps. I just want to know. Why would I eat a rap and I got to eat a fucking burrito? That's true. I don't get it.

Why would I eat a fucking rap when I could eat a fucking burrito? Sometimes you want turkey. No, I don't want turkey. Just funny, I was just thinking of Michael Denny. Like, I don't blame anybody about my childhood. I knew what I was getting myself involved with that fucking animal, you know. I got a lot of emails about last week about the story I was telling somebody last week about robbing drug dealers, you know. And some guy I was kind of.

pissed at me. Who do we have on? Not Brian Scolaro last week that we were talking about. Ada? No, after Ada. We were talking about asking Colorado and Well, was it, Nail the Live guys? With Twitter? Yes, Peter and David. That's it because it was the last podcast we did last week. And I forgot a few emails from people asking me, you know, some people are like, hey man, we like when you spoke about. Other people said they were disturbed because my voice had changed. Nothing my voice has changed.

When I think about that, it's a dark fucking time in your life. So when you tap into that energy, you get upset with yourself. You can't believe you were doing craziness like that fucking breaking into a drug dealer's house, just taking a little bit of his coat, and he'd confuse him to death.

That guy hated me, Lee. How could he not? Oh, my God, that guy fucking hated me. And then he'd come up to you, and he'd be like, nah, Doc, I don't know what you're talking about. He never really approached me. He mentioned it towards the end. When I got busted for the liquor store, for the jewelry store,

when they chased me to the house and they saw it at the boots, but they had no proof. And the word got out, and that's when I could see people were like, I could see him. But by the time they figured it out, I was on a plane to Jersey. And that was the end of that. and I came back two years later and nothing went missing

so now they couldn't really put a finger on it. I blamed it on somebody else that kid died, the story ended. A couple people came up to me back in 87 when I went up there and said, hey man, we heard a story that you might have been one of the guys

that was burglarized in Snowmass and I was like, no. They go, it's funny because when you left, they stopped. There was a couple of burglaries, but they stopped because there was another kid that was robin kind of saw the drug dealers that I knew who he was. And people started realizing that he was robbing drug dealers.

So it was still up in the air whether he had robbed them or I had robbed them, but when I came back in 87 for two years, nothing went missing. So all the suspicion died until I bumped into a guy at the airport in Denver. And he came over to me years later, and he's like, hey, man, can I tell you? about something. And we started chit-chat and he told me that, uh, that, uh, he goes, was it you?

He goes, somebody said they saw you one night, late night, and I go, bro, it was me. And I told them who I robbed. And about three months later, I get hit on Facebook by the girl. And I called her up and she goes, did you really fucking rob me? And I go, yeah, but it wasn't me. I had an accomplice. I had no accomplice. I just didn't have the boss to tell her the truth. And I wanted to call the podcast, and I would have apologized, but she can never call. She's a yoga teacher now and ask me. It must have busy schedules.

I don't know. It was fucking crazy, Lee. It was crazy. It's just life of fucking redemption. Because I never really wanted to beat that, you know, at all. At all. That was an... I even hate talking about it on the podcast. But I know that a lot of people that listen to the podcast

have been stuck with fucking proms and they gotten arrested for various things. I was just a fucking clip. But I love clipping the drug dealers, Lee. That was my all-time fucking favorite. I love those motherfuckers. What was the most you ever got?

The best was, I think, I had a lot, you got to remember in some situations, it was a revenge-type deal. It was like a revenge-type deal. Okay. And some of them, it was people I didn't know. Like, the biggest ones was the people I didn't know. Like, that somebody

else knew when I went into end directly, the one did with Rego before I went back to Colorado. That was a gimmie. You know, to get $30,000 like that, that's a fucking gimmie. Just in cash? Yeah, after I sold the shit. Oh. You know.

How do you find people to sell that stuff to? You just, you sell it wholesale to them and you move it. But I don't know what that means. Okay, you don't know what that means. Okay, so. So you're just like walking down the street? No, no, let's pretend. I'm in the drug business, okay?

I do coke. So I have a couple guys I work with, right? I do coke with. Let's say, let's say I live in Studio City. Okay. Okay, but I fuck with some guy down in Redondo Beach. Okay, I know from some bar, okay? Now, I got you guys up here as my drug dealers.

I got you, I got the Armenian, I got the black guy in Hollywood, I got the white guy in Hollywood, okay? After a while, I get to know you guys, and you'll open up to me, and say, you know what, I usually get four ounces at a time. I usually buy two pounds every two weeks. So right now I got a customer. Okay, I know that you're a fucking customer at all. So everybody's looking for a good deal.

Right. Everybody's always looking for a good deal. So I got two options. I got either go to you before I robbed a dude and tell you what I'm going to do, but I'm not going to do that because then your ears are going to be open. Okay, your ears are going to be open to listen to see who the fuck is going to get robbed. But if I show up, if I go down,

in Redondo Beach, and I bust into this drug dealer's house. Let's say I find out he's at a bar with some chick, and he's buying drinks for everybody, and he's in no way of coming home, and his grandmother that he lives with Winter Bingo, and I know he's got two kilos of Coke. Let's say he's got a pound of Coke that's uncut, and three or four ounces that are cut,

and I take that, I can make $20,000. Okay, so let's say the pound goes for, 16 ounces. In today's market, it probably goes for maybe 7 grand, right? For a pound to blow. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know, Lee. I'm just using an example. I'll come to Lee and go, Lee, taste this. Jesus, this is good. What is this? It's a pound. Look at it. What do you want to do? What do you usually pay for a pound, Lee? 800. What if I can do this for 550 cash right now? That's wholesale.

Okay. Now, you'll come to me, a Jew and go, Joey, why are you losing $250? Because I move it. It's moved. It just became cash. The longer I have it around, the more I'm going to snort. We're going to lose money. Let's take the fucking money we got.

Those other four ounces, we'll do them. I get, like, the wholesale part of it, but I'm just saying, like, you get something from something you stole. How do you find guys to do that? To give that, I understand the drug part of it. I'm just telling you. I just told you. No, I understand. There's always, you're always going to buy something.

Let's say I bump into a $30,000 American Express card tonight. And my buddy owns a computer store. Before I go to the computer store, I'm going to come to you. I'm going to go, Lee, what do you need? What do you need? I could go for a new, oh, my God, can I get the new Apple? Yeah, yeah, yeah, add it all off. It's $6,000.

What if? What if I came back in an hour? And I gave you everything there for 2,500 cash. Could we make that work? In a box. What fucking moron wouldn't take that deal? What Apple guy that you know, these fucking idiots that stand online for 12 hours to get the iPhone?

What if I came back with a camera, the computer, the thing that you could stick your dick in there and sparklers come out? What if? What if? How much is it at least? 6,600. What if I gave it to you for 2,500 cash in one hour?

You're going to have my cash. when I come back. Fuck, yeah. Because you go to your wife and borrow. It's not coming to box. But I know you, Lee. We're family. You know what I'm saying?

It's not like I just knock on your door and go, excuse me, sir. I see you who use fucking Samsung products. How much did you give me for a Samsung? No, you go to your family. You know the people you can know. And you go, hey, man. And if the cops knock on your door in a month from now, Lee, you're telling him.

I was in my office and some fucking black dude with a cooler knocked on my door instead if I want to buy new computers. What do I know? What are you going to do? Charge you with fucking possession of stolen goods? They're not going to take your shit. They never do.

That's wholesale leave. That's people who already know where to dump it. You know, let's say I get a call. Okay? Let's say Dick Siyat, your father. Yeah. You know your father well. Correctly?

You know him with all your heart. Yes, you're all right. Okay. Did he have a restaurant? No. Okay. I thought you said he had a restaurant. You worked at a restaurant, yes.

Okay. Let's pretend. Yes. Let's pretend. You have the number one fucking seafood restaurant in fucking Boston. Okay. Shrimp, you know, number one seafood. And I know for a fact that the distributed in Maine is shipping out a ship, a cargo, a truck.

Yeah. And he's going to ship on their muscles and shrimp. That's a good truck. Now, let's pretend. let's pretend for the sake of argument that a pound of that shrimp is 1295 wholesale that's what your father pays for

okay when he gets 50 pounds a day your father has a tremendous fucking buyer your father has a tremendous fucking fish business okay

yeah now he pays 1250 for the fucking pound of the 15th 18 shrimp for cocktails and spaghetti and linguine and all that shit spaghetti fraud, Diablo, whatever the fuck they use it for. I show up to you, the Christian, the Jew, Lee Sayy Ann. I go, hey, Mrs. Sajak, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, what's up, Joey? Listen, what are you paying? You get 50 pounds of shrimp a day at 1250. My man Leo told me, yeah, what's I got to do with you? What's it got to do with me? I got 300 pounds of 15 to 18 shrimp for $5 a pound. That's what's got to do with me. and I got additional 30 pounds of fucking muscles in the back.

They just caught them. I still got a fucking black dude's finger in one of their fucking clams. They go for $10 a pound. I'm going to give them to you for five, but I need cash tonight. I don't have that type of money. Yes, you do. Give me the fucking checkbook. Let's go.

They'll get the money. It's wholesale. He's going to sell that for toy. He's going to make a shit load on that fucking shrimp boat. Do you follow me? So before you steal it or before whatever, you already have an outlet. I'm going to get caught. amateur people rob a van and now we got to move in the morning

or we got to move something in the morning that's not going to work I come to you listen we're going to steal it at one I'll be here by two you got to have the cash I'll have it boom let's do it that's the wholesale I just call it wholesale in reality is giving you a good price even though I know I'm taking a beating this is a $2,000 gold chain I'm going to give it to you for $750 I'm taking a fucking beating It's not really a beat

And I'm moving it Didn't cost me anything Right I get it Okay then what the fuck don't you get Where do you meet the people The people are right in front of you Yeah

The people are right in front of you This is a hard place This is a hard society In California for me Right now in California If I went to 20 doors And said I got TVs The biggest flat screen

Beautiful HQ 4K TV It's gonna cost you 800 I got them for 200 in the truck. People would sland the door on my face because they're not raised in that culture. You have to be raised in that culture to understand that culture.

Some people think they're getting robbed. They've heard about the fucking dudes that sit at the side of the road and put rocks in fucking stereo boxes and sell them to some jerk off who buys fucking stuff from a guy on the road. Then they realize why he got ripped off. So a consumer like that.

But guys like myself, guys like where you're from in Boston, you buy whatever I have. There's somebody I got shoes. You're the type of guy that you're like, listen, bro, anytime you have anything, bring it by. Let's see what you got. I got winter jackets. I got two kids.

What do I give a fuck where you got them from? You got winter jackets for kids? Yeah, let me see two of them. Well, she wants paint. We'll spray paint it. You know, it's a different society. It's a different understanding. You know, it's a different culture.

That's what we were talking about before. I had an argument with a nice kid one time. We were talking about people who pay off bribes. the East Coast. And this guy, and he was a nice guy, and I didn't really want to fight him or nothing, but I could see how he was, he's an American, he understood, but he was too American. He was from Indiana or something like that. And there was a bunch of us, and there was a couple, in fact, Josh Wolf was dead that night. This is 15, 20 years ago. And we were talking about bribes, our bar owners in Boston. You got, Lee got a bar. There's 18 bars in the blouse.

I come in here every day in the morning. I got to shot of the Yeager, doers, and a beer back. And we talk, you know what? I tip you, but you don't charge me for that drink. I go to offer, but you go, no, no, no, no. You're the guy that works my... Yeah, okay. You come in here, you get a sandwich for lunch.

That's bribed today. You can't do that. So if I come in here and Lee says to me, Joey, do me a favor. I come walking by, and you come over to me and go, Joey, can I talk to you for something? I came over before. I left him in the front. I parked the car.

I went in when I came out of a $9,000 ticket. I'll take care of it. It works both ways. It's not a bribe. He's not doing nothing wrong. He's going to go to the ticket guy and go, listen. It's Nicky. It's Louis.

It's fucking Lee. You gave Lee a ticket? I didn't know. Boom. So now when I come in, instead of you saying, no, there's nothing to say. You give me the house special on the house.

I come in every day for a shot, and I come in at lunch. You don't charge me. I don't abuse it, though. I don't come in and get the lobster tail. I got a tuna sandwich, you know. What that means is we're there to rub each other's back. That's something that's been forgotten about in this country.

Now, let's say you have 15 bars in the place. Your bar gets a little rowdy from time to time, right? Somebody talks up. Somebody sells coke in the bathroom. Somebody gets beat up in the bar. There's UFC fights. Those crazy kids. You want the cops to come, and you don't want to come with their guns drawn.

So you take that cop and you give them a little 200 a fucking week. This isn't today's society because these young kids don't understand that concept. Unless greed takes over their fucking head. But they don't understand that concept that we're all taking care of one another. Listen, Lee, you're making fucking 20,000 a week dealing cards out of here out of this office. I'm the cop on shift here. Okay. Some bitch comes up here and gets drunk.

Some guys got a smack on the face. I'm going to show up here. You don't want no problems, right? No. So you're going to give me $500. You're making $20,000 a fucking week. What's $500 for a local guy to keep him shut? I'm also the first guy on the scene.

Seems like a solid investment. Something happens. Who's better than you? I'm the first fellow fuck of him. You better be. You know? It's very interesting. It's really interesting and it's hard to explain.

In the world I grew up, I understand that I get it. Do I agree with it? No, they're disrespecting the bads, to a degree. disrespecting the badge is what these motherfuckers are doing today in sorts. When I saw that thing again in LA with the six cops shot the homeless guy and he took the gun from, the guy didn't take no fucking gun from nobody. He had a lighter in his fucking hand. So that's disrespectful of the badge.

You know, some of the shit I've seen growing up, listen, man, it's not that I agree with it or don't agree with it. It was just done. And I had nothing to say about it, but I understood it. Yeah, I mean, I could see where they would do it. But, you know, a kid, but to make more money? Well, it's not even to make more money, man. It's just cops make dick. Cops make dick, man.

Cops do a lot of fucking work for dick. I can see why their attitudes get bad. I could see a lot of shit. Then it gets hard to promote. If you're white, a black guy gets promoted before you, a Chinese guy gets promoted before you. This is the way it is. I'm telling you, man.

A lot of shit happens. There's a lot of interracist shit in police departments and they'll find out later. around throughout the years. They always find out in these places that there was two or three fucking racist and there was a couple cops that when you're black, what are you going to do? You're in a white town and there's a couple fucking white cops that are making funny and you're a black cop. What are you going to do? You're going to bang out. You're going to goof with them too. You got to have a sense of humor. You know, you got a fucking sense of humor. Right or wrong.

Yeah, you do. All right then. How fucked up are you doing? You're not talking. I have no idea what that last story was about. I know. You were the one that got me started. You're the fuck that guy. Well, I'll explain it to me wholesale. Let me tell you how to fuck wholesale. You're not going to steal nothing unless you already got it solely. That's the fucking deal. That's why we were still running.

I don't even know why we did this fucking podcast. How high are you tonight? I'm surprised. I had to talk the whole fucking night. I'm over here winded to death. I didn't do dick today. You understand me? I did a thousand things.

I went to Jitza. I got beat up bad. But something interesting happened to Jijitza today. What happened? Higin's got a guy staying with him. That's like his energy fucking guy. that whenever you're hurt, he cleans you up. And the last couple times I've been to Higgins, he's been there,

but he's always been busy. I left in a rush. Today, I got there early, and who do I see? Bam, I see the fucking Indian. He's a Cherokee Indian, dog. Oh, shit. Was he cool? Oh, my God.

He lays you on the fucking floor, and he starts doing these things for you and twisting your muscles and moving energy and lifting your neck and making you breathe and stop. Then he crawls over to my knee, and he pushed it over, and he adjust the thigh.

I love all that type of shit. I didn't know anything who did that. Boy, it's a different type of Indian work. Like, he did this thing, a Cherokee Indian thing. It's a different type of stretch. Listen, man, every culture, again, has their own different beliefs. And I'm the type of guy I'm open. Anything that could heal me?

Anything that could adjust me without having to put a needle in me, a fucking surgery in me or something like that, I'm cool with. I'll try anything one-time. When it comes to health, holistic health, I'll try it one fucking time. You have to. Anything's better than one. what they're prescribing to you in this type of medicine. Everything is a surgery or a pill,

and everything has a consequence. When I go to get cup tomorrow, 11 o'clock, there's no consequence for me. You know, when I do acupuncture, I know I'm strengthening my fucking cheat, which is just another word for energy. So what this guy today did was just transferring energy, man. Same thing Joel does.

Same thing Dr. Joel does. When you go see Joe, what this guy did was what Joe was telling me. This guy didn't even have to do an x-ray. He just saw how we're standing. He turned me around. He touched both sides of my back, and he goes, you got something over here that's affecting your fucking hip, and it's twisting your leg. I go, holy shit. He just saw that, me walking in.

Is that true? Yeah, that's it. That's why sometimes when I'm driving, I got to catch my leg. My leg, my foot goes all the way to the right, and I'm putting a strain on that knee there. That's how I fuck that knee up in a way. I guarantee it, because my leg always goes in. It's like the anti-pigeon toe. I had that friend in high school that you.

She had one foot on the 10 and the other foot on the 2, and they used to call it 10 to 2. My foot's always on like the 2 fucking 30 mark. Your friends are so mean. No, it's true. They used to call 10 to 2. 10 to 2. She was just...

How did you even think about that at that young? 10 to fucking 2. Oh, my goodness. I didn't give her the name. I wish I would have been a comic genius at that age. And when she would walk down the hall, they'd go 10 to 2. And she'd go, fuck you. She called it right now, and she'd be like, ah.

You know, I don't know, her friends are on, you know what? Her friends are on Facebook. That whole side of my North Bergen friends, let me tell you something. They never really wanted nothing to do with me. I dated one of those girls before my mother died, and we broke up in that whole little crew of girls. They're very decent. There's a crew of girls that were my age that I graduated with.

And they're on Facebook, and they don't, I think they followed me. and read a couple of my fucking things and just unfollowed me instantly. Rosanne DiAgostino. I grew up with her and her brother. She just unfollowed me because she's a Christian, man. What did he put up today? Mrs. Obama's getting bad or something.

Oh, I saw Mrs. Obama on TV. She got a little chubby. She was looking good with that little Chinese wig on and shit. The Chinese wig. You don't think that's Chinese hair? You think that's really African hair? Get the fuck out of here. I don't know. I know Chinese hair when I was. I see it. I even look Chinese food when they bow and shit. I know what that head drips down like.

What the fuck? Yeah, they don't like me at all. Yeah, don't fucking like me at all. What are you going to do? I'll tell you, man, I had a really good time in Boston. I was really surprised by the attendance in Boston. And I don't think I really had great sets. You know, I've been writing this week a lot. That's why I wrote that today. I was thinking of something else. And also, I saw a picture of it. My mind was kind of fucking sharp today and all. because the last three days that's all. I'm trying to get this thing ready for this is not happening tomorrow night. So I think it's me, Janine Paluso,

Dean Rell Davis. I don't even know what story I'm going to say. I got like eight of them lined up and I just don't know. Because the stories that I'm posting so I can only do like 12 minutes. Oh, okay. I think it said it sold out. Is it already sold out? I think it might be.

By now it probably is. I'm going to have a good time. I don't know what story I'm going to fucking tell yet. That would be fine. I was going to tell like, you know, I want to tell it. You know, I want to tell Mike Denny's stories, but I'm embarrassed. Why? Because their scumbag, fucking, like, the lowest thing I did by myself

was robbed that chain sting for blind kids, Mcarvel. But they only get like 10% of the way, so I didn't feel too fucking bad. You know those little things you see? Those are scams. They only get like 10% of that. If there's $20 and the kid gets $2. Okay. The rest goes to some guy.

He's driving a Mercedes. And meanwhile, you think you're doing something good for yourself. That's fucked up. That is fucked up. It's why all those fucking donation things. I don't like them. What, Lee? What, cock sucker?

No, I just... Chiba Choo came through today. I want to thank Chiba Chibu. Listen, man, people put down this marijuana business, and I get it. And I come around, and I got the morning enjoying and all this shit. But let me tell you some, I've been smoking pot for a long time. Before this shit came along, I've been smoking pot. And I was always this free.

I'm in the back of my mind if you're going to throw me in jail for pot. What are my mind? I'm not going to do. I'm not going to stop smoking. I didn't stop smoking when I was on probation. I mean, I love it. It's my true fucking essence to ref it. For some people, it's alcohol, for some people's playing with fucking lizards. For me, I love it, you know. I'm not, but I don't have the whole thing. I don't have the posters. I don't have the pot leaves. I'm just one of those guys that likes to smoke it. That doesn't mean that I'm going to fucking, you know. And sometimes, I just hear great stories. John Evan told me a story. His father-in-law has cancer.

weigh 200 pounds. He's down 127 pounds. Somebody said, give him a fucking brownie. He ate a brownie. John Evan said he had a smile from my ear and he ate a whole steak. You know, when I hear that type of stuff, you know, George's mother, my best friend, George Carl Dinsky's called into the podcast 20,000 times. His mother has cancer right now. She just got diagnosed with head, spleen, and some else. It's level four in six months, you know. And he's been feeding the cheebatutes. And she fucking loves him.

She went out to the pool. She swam, you know. And in that situation, I get it. These people never got high, and you see the enjoyment in her eyes. George says she's calling me three times a day. I got to go out there. She's given her decas and fours. Yeah.

And she's eating and she's moving around and she's not in pain. They were given the morphine. So that part of the THC process with the C, I took two CBDs this week. Did they work? Not getting high? I tell you what, I felt great the next day. I get what people are saying. And you get high at all?

Because I had a CBD thing once, I got kind of high. No, no, no, no. The Cheever-Chewins are the pink box? They're fucking great. The purple box, they're great, man. They taste great. I was very surprised. I didn't do edibles for two or three days,

and I had those fucking things. They were great. Oh, yeah, we got high Monday, and I hold my line. But, yeah, it's really weird when you see that aspect of the miracle marijuana field. And I've had anti-Doloress on here talking about. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. about when it comes to all that stuff but I see that part of it when people tell him

John Evan don't get high John Evan listens to gangster rap music but he don't get high he's a white dude with a nice haircut I don't know how he does it but you know whatever the fuck you just I'm just having a conversation by myself here people no I'm sorry this Jumok is just looking at me dreaming a yum yum donuts or some shit thank God I went to Higgins today I got stimulated I come to do the podcast and you just You shut down on me, fucking... I didn't shut down. I've had about 300 milligrams.

Who gives a fuck? You have 300 milligrams every two days. You got to come on here with... Give me something. I know. You got me on here talking to myself like fucking Bill Burr on Monday. You know what I'm saying?

I've just been listening. It's been interesting. No, it's not fucking interesting, cock suck. But I was... I was thinking... What were you thinking? I've never been, like, super confident. I'm getting better with it.

But, like, every... Every once in a while, you meet somebody who's just like, they walk in and, like... Like, just take over the... the woman like they're super confident with everything and it's I want to like you seem like you're confident

but then you've talked about not being super confident so it's like how do you make yourself act more confident it's not making yourself act more confident is that I know I don't have a choice if it's up to me I'd rather sit at the house and crawl up

in a fucking ball but I have no choice so I got to walk in there in my mind extra fired up because if I don't get myself fucking fired up I'm not going to do this. Right. So I think that comes off as confidence, but it's really not confidence. That's like an air of anger because I'm pissed off. I have to face this fucking issue.

Whatever the issue is. I didn't have plans late when I was 20. I wasn't like you in most people in America. When I was 20 in my mind, I was doomed to fail. I wanted to be a thief. I knew it was going to end up in prison. You know, I didn't have all the natural mechanisms. that most people had. I was shot. I had TSD, whatever. PTSD. My mother had died. My best friend had died. My father had taken the house. You know, I had to live with strangers. I became a fucking thief. It broke my central belief system down. So the only thing that kept me alive was this desire to

make my mother proud. But at that time, I was hoping she wasn't watching me. Like I'm like, I hope she's not fucking watching me, man. I'm like, I hope she's not fucking watching me, man. I don't want to see what I'm going through now and the things I'm doing to make money and the people I'm burning just to snort blow. I didn't want them to see that type of lifestyle. But the air of confidence comes from anger. It really does. I'm pissed because I'm scared. I don't want to fucking do another of this. You think I want to get on stage in the comedy stone in front of those people and try new material?

Are you fucking crazy? So, will you consider yourself like a confident person? No. somebody who gives up and knows that that's what they have to do. Like at that point, you just give up. It's like when I go get a shot, when I walk into the doctor's office, I'm a confident guy. When I hear Jose Diaz, and I walk in, I'm fucking great. Hey, how are you?

Great. How are those tamales? A Spanish girl. We always talk about tamales. She always tells me her cousin made something for her. They're from Nicaragua, toileters, whatever the fuck they eat. And then I get down, she takes my blood pressure. How's the doctor?

He's busy today. You're going to be a couple minutes. Okay, she takes my blood pressure. She takes my temperature. She tells me to take off my shirt to the doctor be in in five minutes. I'm pretty fucking cool. Then the doctor comes in,

then he says something to me, and he goes, you're going to get blood today? Yeah. And once I walk into that room, Lee, oh my God, Lee, the thoughts I get. Somebody asked me that day, what you do when you get bad thoughts. Lee, Syatt, I get bad thoughts.

Three out of the seven nights when I lay down. What do you mean bad thoughts? the plan's going to crash I'll take a situation where I'm not going to be specific somebody will say they're traveling a friend of mine who'll call me and we'll talk and a dear friend

even somebody that I don't not crazy over but I like him will call and tell me something I'm driving to New Mexico and for some reason I won't think about it until I lay down at night and all of a sudden I'll think about all the bad things I'll drive down there

and how he's going to hit a wolf and is going to go off a fucking cliff. And I got to tell my mind to stop. And the only way to stop is to say a fucking prayer. I figured out after fucking 30 years that the only thing would work is when I said a prayer. And I say the prayer like two times and the thought keeps trying to fight my head. And by the fifth time, that thought goes away. Is that I say the daily prayer? A Catholic prayer?

Yeah, I will be their name. And some people are listening to me like, you're fucking crazy. When you're a Buddhist and you... and you lay down and you get into the position and you do the mantras or whatever the fuck they call them, you're repeating chantres or you're opening up your chakras and you're repeating the mantras. It's a, in a way, it's a prayer.

You're releasing a prayer. So I took it from that one time. I used to get fucking crazy thoughts, man. You know, sometimes at night I'll be laying there the other night. Yon and I lay down. And I was in a good mood. I don't know what the fuck I was watching. And this had to be two weeks ago.

And I laid down, and all of a sudden, I clicked on my ex-wife. Just clicked. It was like a movie. And all of a sudden, I was slanted, and I could feel the blood pressure elevating me from the anger that I had worked myself up. My fucking heartbeat was bleeding the bed. You could hear the heartbeat going, boom, boom, boom. And just instantly you were back to where you guys were, like, fighting with each other. 1995.

There I was. Fuck you, you fucking whore. Just the feeling and anguish I got. And it was getting worse. Like, I couldn't fucking breathe. And I had to stop right there. And just, I must have said that the Lord's Prayer 10 times. That's cool.

That's a cool part about religion. Even if that just calms you down. But I didn't start it that way. I just figured that out one day when I was watching a Tina Turner movie. And she was doing those things. I forget what it is. Riki, Ron, whatever fucking Duncan does before he goes on stage. Oh, Riki.

The chance or something? Yeah, the chance. So I thought about it that way. I go, what's the fucking real difference? All these religions that are not fucking Scientology, but they basically talk about energy. All I'm doing is switching up the fucking energy in my mind by saying the prayer. I was raised Catholic.

I'm not saying the prayer. I would say any prayer. I would say a Jew prayer if I knew one. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. If I hung out with you and you took me to temple and there was a prayer and I would get a bad thought on a plane, when I eat the edibles and I sit in a fucking plane,

what do you think I do? I say a fucking prayer. What are you here coming out of my mouth? Not another ten times. Lord, please help me. Really? On the plane? No, I say it to myself all day, Lord, please help.

And then when I get stuck and my mind gets stuck in that death, I just fucking go right into our father and I'll be done in the night, kingdom come that will be done. And I'm still getting hotter and hotter, as I'm saying. I'm not going to lie to it. And it's happening three times a week? This probably happens three times in a week, not at night necessarily. It could happen when I'm driving.

It could happen when I'm trying to write a joke or trying to write my plans for the day. I just think of something and get fucking fired up. And I got to control myself. And you get negative thoughts, man. But now, listen, I get crazy 10 times a week. I'm talking where you get to the point where you're just thinking stuff that's not natural. And you know when you think stuff that's not natural. We all have that moment where you're like, wow, you know, in your daydream.

But I get them where they get dark, where they get scared. I get them about my family I get them about my friends I get them about my friends families and I got to knock myself out of it man Do you think it could be the edibles because I can't tell you how many times

I've been sitting here putting the podcast up late at night and I'm super hot and I just get really I get all to think someone's mad at me or something No in my mind the edibles have elevated the levels of it like they make it worse

I get anxiety Yeah but even 20 years ago I would work myself up at night It started it's always. I've always been a head case like that. I would think of something 10 weeks later. I can get mad at something.

Ten weeks later. Or say something to me and I knew it was going to be wrong and then something goes wrong and I'll bring it up eight weeks later. I'm the king of that shit. You know, it's just my nature. It's just some people's fucking nature.

And you weren't holding it over? You just didn't even think about it for like a week? Yeah, I wasn't even thinking about it. And all of a sudden, it would just pop up. The thing last week with my ex-wife really scared me. It was about two weeks. weeks ago, which just took me over into the morning. And in the shower, I had a pray.

Like, in the shower, I had to pray. And there was no, like, communication or anything? Nothing, just in my mind. But it happens to me with a lot of fucking things. If somebody says to me, hey, man, what are you doing? None. Let's hook up later at four. All right. I'm going to go for a bike ride. I hate when people say that to me.

Why? Because my mind goes, especially if I care for the person, My mind goes in 88 different fucking places. You told me not to get a bike. Oh, my God. You're really serious about it. It's just a bad. I told the girl at yoga and a week later she got hit by a guy at night.

There's just different times. There's different places to ride a bike. I would not trust. In California, you got to assume 60% of the people are high. Yeah. The sun gets in your eyes, 70%. You're thinking about all of a sudden the mountains, 80%. You're on a 20% possibility.

You're going to get hit by a bike. You're in a fucking bike lane in one of the nation's worst fucking traffic areas. And you want to drive a bike in a place where the people, the IQ of the people driving is a man. That's number one, number two. I guarantee 50% of these motherfuckers don't have insurance. So you get clipped. You're on your own, bitch. And they're going to go.

And they're going to go. So now what are you going to do? So you know what? Just don't ride. You want to ride a bike? Find the fucking mountain. get a Subaru, put your bike in the trunk, and on Saturdays go up there and you can ride all around

with your little helmet and your girlfriend and hold her hands and take a Viagra and fuck her up in the weeds with a blanket of the shit. I was shocked, because this is when I started working out. I was like, oh, maybe I'll get a bike. Because I live pretty close to the office and you're like, no. I wear, no, no, no, especially at night. You were the fucking helmet, I'd hit you out of principle. Like if I saw you with a helmet coming at me,

I'd have to turn the car around, I'd hate you out of principle, like on the thing, on the steering wheel or something. No, no, no, you don't want to take a chance. How many times you've been driving going? You see people fucking up. All the time. Okay. So now you want to take that chance without metal around you?

No. Some dude, when I said I might have wanted a convertible. Some dude tried to get me to be on a motorcycle. And he seemed very nice. And he knew a lot about it. But I can't be on a motorcycle. I love motorcycles too. I wish I got a motorcycle.

I could never. It ain't a fucking small city where people had respect. And I knew everybody's car. So if somebody did deck me, I know, I wouldn't take it on it. I ain't sons of anarchy. I don't need to go to New Mexico or hang on. No, no, no. Nice community on the weekends, take your bike out.

And it scares me here. I'm putting a fucking kid on it. You know, I'll put a helmet on. I'll put elbow things on. I'll do the speed limit. But I don't want to ride around cars. That's what I'm saying. I'll go get some dirt ride bikes with you.

I'll get some dirt bike ride. And that's my world. But for me, I'll start that all over again. I grew up on that shit in Jersey at first with the Balsanos. I had the XL 175. I love all that shit. I just feel like I'd fall off. But I'm not taking a motorcycle on the street with these fucking dickheads driving today with no respect.

And you see, and you know what they do here when they go like right down the middle of the lanes and they're going super fast? Like my buddy, who I used to add it with got hit by a car. I don't fucking know what somebody's coming. I'm listening to music. I think about that. How many times do I not pay attention? And I'm the type of guy that I do pay attention. How many times is my mind thinking of a joke or a plane ticket?

and all of a sudden I'm stoned and there's music in the car I don't know if you're coming or not I'm focused on something else and here you come behind me with your beautiful girlfriend with your little helmet and I go to muck and switch in the other lane

and there you go whether you're on a motorcycle a fucking bicycle but it's not even that you're not paying attention because when you're in stop traffic you're not like when I first moved here they don't do that in Boston when I first moved here

I would if the traffic stopped I'm like okay no one's going to come up from the side of me, and then they'll just appear out of nowhere. And they get mad at you. They'll kick your car. No, no, no, no. Just stick to the fucking car. You're going to have a good car.

Oh, I would never have a birthday. Let's abandon ship. All right. First of all, happy birthday to Dylan Klein. Your girlfriend's been bothering me. I think she bothered Lee. I think she finally sent Lee a picture her titty. We're just kidding.

Happy birthday, Dylan Klein. We love you, cock sucker. Happy birthday. Daddy. David Boy. Javier Jimenez. John Pappellia, Rick Rice Moore, and Gareth Allen Evans. Fucking shout-outs to you Cox Suckers.

I love you guys. And also, happy Canada's Day. To all my Canadians who listen to this, you know, I love you, to all my heart. You motherfuckers are the backbone of the show, you crazy fucking Canuck Cocksuck Suckers. I love you. Do you ever have Boutin? Huh? Do you ever have Boutin?

Yeah, I had Boutin. Do you like it? Yeah, don't you see me jumping up and fucking down? I really likes Boutin. I haven't had Boutin. dirty fucking yeah I went to fucking Montreal one time all of those places I don't remember it so

I'm not gonna lie to you not gonna lie to you I appreciate that yeah you know how I fucking roll anyway next weekend I'm in Atlanta the week after that the week after that I don't know what the fuck I am tomorrow and I'm at the comedy store

next week I'm in Atlanta I know we're in Chicago and then I'm going to the ice house with my man Lee doing a combination testicle testament whatever the fuck it is. Live church. Yeah, live church.

What's up? How are you? You know me. Chilling like Tony McMillan. I ain't high. I'm just coasting in life, cuck, sucker. It's our world. You're just visiting.

It's been a nice week, man. I know a lot of years out of town this week. I want to tell you something. Be safe. Be careful. A lot of bullshit. I'm scared about this week. I'm not going to lie there.

These ISIS people are crazy. That ain't no fucking Dildo flag they saw. That was ISIS. You think so? Yeah, that was. I thought they should have the Delta. No, ISIS is a fucking full effect. They're going to strike somewhere.

Keep your doors locked. Keep your on your kids. Watch your cats. They'll turn that motherfucker into hummus, those ISIS people. I just saw that movie American Sniper when they put the drill bits and the kids fucking eyeballs and shit that's fucked up. Third time I fell asleep watching American Sniper. But I like that.

I'm always tired when I watch. I don't know what the fuck is. You're ready for when Isis comes. What's that? You got to finish the movie. Shut the fuck up. Why you got a torment me for? Look at you.

Look at the shape of you. You can't wait to go home to have your usual pepperoni fucking almondine. That's your word, pepperona ammondean. You cook out in a fire thing and you put almonds on it. I want to give a shout out to our sponsors. On it, as usual. Been here since day one, roughing it with us motherfuckers,

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But the shouting. You understand me? That little monkey gets salty and garlicy. You got that little whang in your mouth. Look at a leaf fainting over there. You have for a few feet. I'm just thinking about the syracha almonds. Oh.

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They're going to give you two big bags and three little bags. All right. Go to naturebox.com and press in. Naturebox.com slash Joey. Okay, and you go through the thing and pick the snacks you want. Tell them if you're gluten-free, if you're allergic, whatever the fuck you are.

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maybe a dollar and a half dollar 90 stop complaining bitch let me tell you something I've been going to jihitsu more and more and one thing that makes me go to jihitsu it's comfort you know at first I was going with those white underwear and your nut would pop out Lee found that out once he joined Jiu-Jitsu. Miandis, the most comfortable underwears you will ever fucking wear. Do you understand?

I've tried them all. I'm a fat fuck. Miondi's feel good. They cup your nuts. No sweat. There's no stinking between your fucking legs. They pull all the moisture out.

That'd be amazing after you did too. Yeah, I just take them off after Jiu-Jitsu and go a la carte until I get home and I wash those fucking things. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to drive up Laurel Canyon with stinky nuts. That's disgusting. Anyway, go to meandis.com. And look at their selection of women and men's underwear, sweatpants, sweatshirts, t-shirts.

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Look at that great selection of clothing. Pick something, go to the box and press in. Joey. Joey. And get what? 20% off and pre-shipping in Canada in the United States. All right. takes care you like Uncle Joey.

For Canada Day. I fucking love you guys with all my heart. Thank you for all the love and support. You know, we talk about some crazy stuff on here. We like to mix it up from time to time. I know some people get mad at the food talk. We're going to cut it down a little bit, but we're switching it around. You know, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart.

All right. Have a great 4th of July. See you back here Monday night. Stay black. Stay beautiful. I got you. Now that the show is over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free. sampler box of great tasting healthy snacks.

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