The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #300 - Ali Siddiq

Episode Date: July 15, 2015

Ali Siddiq, Comedian seen on "This Is Not Happening" , joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio....Thank you for an amazing 300 episodes.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
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   Music:
 I Want You -  Marvin GayeTea For One - Led Zeppelin

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300 motherfucking episodes July 15th, 2015 The day the devil got buried in sea Little Marvin Gay Out of respect Got a little $7 million fucking check yesterday Really? That's what they settled down

I guess it was yesterday, I just read it Trying to steal his shit Believe you don't know what fucking happened It's Marvin Gay, motherfucker We want to steal something Steal something from Kanye West to one of these new breed motherfuckers. But you've got to have a big pair of balls

to steal from this man. The church motherfuckers. Lee Syatt. My man Ali Sadieke from Houston. Can you fucking believe it? 300 episodes, Lee Sayat? I really can't. It's crazy. That's crazy.

And 100 were Felicious or 400, really, under my fucking resume of podcasts. Plus how many of any of you've done. This is a lot of fun. Ali, what's happening, baby? Man, I'm sitting here still groving to this morning. You know that's my favorite artist in the entire world. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It's like the trouble. You know, with the E-Holl, not the E-Hollywood, the behind the music was on, the remastered about maybe four weeks ago. I cried, man. I fucking really cried. Like, he was, there was something about him, man. When he wore that little beini, there's a YouTube tape of him.

He's got to be fucked up. And he's singing this. But the band is playing, and he's on a couch. Laying sideways. Have you seen that? Oh, my fucking. fucking God. And he's singing like, this is me.

I'm just singing from the couch. Man, this is, he's done one of the coldest things. Hey, I'm going to make an album for you, but then I'm going to make another album for my girl. And then you can get the royalty off that one off the, and I'm like, how dope is that that you can make? I'm going to make a jammer. I'm going to make a better album for my chick than for my wife who's trying to skim me for money. It's fucking crazy. That is fucking crazy.

Gay is like, I think that's one of the people, when the people ask me what my style is as a comic, I still add Marvin Gay in there. I'm like, yo, I'm like, part this person, part this person, then. There it is. Part Marvin Gay. How beautiful. Look at this shit.

Yeah, man. He's just laying in like a track suit on the couch. Yeah, like. In some basement, somewhere. It's a basement. It looks like a pool, like a rec center. That's not a studio. But it's, it's,

Morgan gay. Going to the top. Top, top. Dude, some dude with a Rick, with Rick James Braes. That's his nephew. That's a little Rick. Bam, up top.

Very top. Oh, man. Very top. This is the type of shit that inspires me. I see this. Like a guy like him in a fucking basement with a track salon. It may, man, it's just the, the mystique of this guy.

Just, hey, I'm practicing. I do it anywhere with, and now you're just sitting up like, hey, man. This is not even the actual performance. This is what, this is practice. They're just warming up. They're just getting their fucking heartbeat going and getting their timing.

And now they're, you know, they're about to set it off. That's how you write music. You just set it off like that. I don't know. I watched Hollywood, whatever, the fucking behind. the music. And like he hid

for two years. Isn't he going to like Luxembourg? Yeah. He went to somewhere fucking that nobody thinks are going, did blow, took a big bag of coke with him, and a hat. These hat that everybody's wearing now, thinking they're bad. He took a hat. He took a hat with him. Some coke and a hat.

Coke and a hat, and he went over there. And, I mean, I don't know. It's just it's always fucked with me, too. When I came from Cuba, that was the first music I really was turned onto. And he was one of the biggest names, you know. Late 60. I mean, I still remember that song with the chick.

Yeah. That was big. My mom was partners on a bar, and they catered to the black people from Harlem, on the 27th Street. And it was him and that chick. I can't remember the name. So that Tammy Terrell. Tammy Terrell, one of them.

My mom had a lot of those songs in the jukebox, and his voice was just, you know, it's a shame. And when I heard that song that they robbed, I knew that that was a Marvin Gay song, but I'm like... The audacity of Farrell to even say like he, what are you talking about? You thought it up or you, whatever he, whatever his excuse was, it was ridiculous. And then for, um, what's his name?

The song. Dumb fuck. And to sing it and like, oh, I don't know that this Marvin's gay. Your father knew it was Marvin Gay. You should have asked your father who wrote all these themes on you. Who is this? It's Marvin Gay. What are you talking about?

That sounds a little Marvin Gayish there. I fucking, as soon as I heard, what I was confused was because everybody samples today. Yeah. So I thought they were sampling. You still pay rights to it. And I'm cool with that. Hey, you want to sample music to make yours better?

You know, what's the Velvet Rope? Janet Jackson. On one of those songs on that album, she samples war. You know, Cisco kid. Fucking brilliant. Brilliant. I'm in. Everybody sampled James Brown.

I don't mind. Everybody's championed James Brown. As long as you included in that beat, I hear that bass, I'm cool with it. But when I heard that, and then I heard there was a lawsuit. Listen, man, what's that dude that last week stuck up with a Confederate flag? Kid Rock. You take Kid Rock. If I take Kid Rock and sit him down right now, I could quiz Kid Rock on any style of music.

Prince, he will thump your ass. Didn't Prince do a tour where you could yell out music, $250 a ticket, and he would play it? That means when you have that ability, you listen to everything at least one time. Everything. And you're musically inclined, so you'll pick it up. You know what, wait a second. It's like Mike Tyson. People think Mike Tyson's a fucking Momo.

You get Mike Tyson aside and go, Mike Tyson, who's the best boxer in Cuba? And he, breaking down. He will start dropping shit on you that you'll sit there and go, how does this fucking guy know this? Because this is what they've committed themselves to. Once you become a true motherfucker like that in that realm, you know, Farrell, for real. I had more faith. I thought that he.

I should have took him off the voice as soon as he did. Yeah. Come here. Come here, sir. You're in the hat. I, yeah, you're in the fucking hat that you stole from Marvin Gay, from his fucking. You even took the idea from Marvin Gaye wearing a cool hat. Because if you really look at it, Marvin Gay wore the Charles Bronson cat in the 60s.

and look cooler than a fucker without the gold tee and the gold earrings. Just a fucking Bronson hat. There's even a picture of him twisting that motherfucker in a white neighborhood. Are you fucking kidding me? That's how, I mean, that style they have now, that's his. He was wearing the hat with the leather jacket and the pea coat. Yeah. And the fucking peat coat in the fucking 60s.

That's how cool Marvin Gay was. You remember the album cover of him with the big silver boots? He had an album covered of some huge silver boots. boots he's sitting down and he has on a little red beanie and I'm like yo everything about Marvin Gay was cool because it was him it was like he was just doing what he felt

it's like man I had the audacity the mitigated gall of Farrell to say that it came to him that's what drew you in to the song when you heard you were like oh this is a Marvin gay they're doing okay

Robin Think I feel you try to do a little Marvin Gay rendition then he's like no It's me. There we go. Robin Dick. I was so high on drugs. I didn't know what I was singing. Bitch. Look at that. Yeah. And that's before Bootsie Collins.

Yeah. That's before Bootsie Collins. Look at those fucking things. Red bea-on, blue jean, jacket. Now, what year is this? Let me look it up. Look it up. Because if you know anything about black people, they look at that picture and said, oh, he's losing it.

No. Marvin Gay's losing those silver boots. Only Earth winning fire was busting no shit out in the early sense. And then Parliament, if you had... Parliament Funkadelic, that's right. You had my man, George Clinton, which is... They are George Clinton, man. That's the story.

I haven't seen it. 20 years ago, I used to see him. I saw him like three times of one year in Boulder in the Denver area when I was an open mic here there. 74. Wow, yeah, 74. Nobody was wearing those type of boots. That was way before Kiss. Yeah.

Right? Kiss wasn't wearing a live till something. 75 or something like that. Or 76. I don't know my fucking dates. Kiss was a good group. When they first came out, the reason why I listened to Kisses is too sentimental. My best friend growing up died, and he was a big kiss dude. And after he died, Kiss died with me.

He was like, you know what I want to hear a kiss no more? We put that album in his casket and moved that motherfucker on for the next life. He's up there right now, jumping up and down and listen to that Kish stuff. I'll eat. Let me tell you something, man. I watched the, as soon as you did it, as soon as I already told me, I watched it, the Elisa Dika, the fucking prison riot thing. And it was funny because I was laughing, but I was laughing at different things than people were laughing about. You really touched on little things that brought me back to being inside.

Let me ask you something in a real world. It wasn't that bad being inside. You had a fun time. Man, guys like you and me. That's the thing that I never get a chance to say that I had had. a good time. It's like I grew up there. I learned the, I was 19.

You were 19 when you went in. Yeah, 19. And I was 25 when you came out. 25 when I came out. I was 25 when I went in, 26 when I went in, and 27 and a half, 28. I did two years all together with everything, because they reconsidered my sentence.

Right? Because it was like the first time I got all these letters. And it was a very, I got like 800 letters sent from New Jersey. New Jersey is at Crooked States. But I look at my time now, man, and I got to tell you something, even in Diagnostic, where I always tell people, I always, I told Burke Crash, I go, listen, if you think black people talking movie theaters, don't go to Diagnostics. Don't go to Diagnostics.

Because it's all night long. It's all my brothers are yelling. And from the sixth floor, they'll yell down, Little Negg, Little Neck, what's going on, baby boy, nothing, Big Gee, just doing our thing, what's going on with that? And they're having a conversation at 2.30 in the morning. I'm like, you're not even in the room. And it's fucking magnifying in your little cell. It even magnifies more.

I remember when I got sentenced. And I can't. My heart goes out to you because you got sentenced in fucking Texas. That means that shit was hot. Super hot. Super hot. There ain't no. Do they have AC in jails?

Fuck, AC. What AC? You get a little fan for $25. Your family got to put together $10. And they send you like a $22 fan. They charge you like, $80. They jacked the price up.

It's like a $9.95 fan. They charge you $24.95, and you have to buy it directly from the prison. They have a black and white little TV. You know, $49.95 with the antenna with three channels. You got a fucking... You pick up the slack. But did you guys realize you were having a good time when you were there?

Or is it like after being out 10 years? Because if I was brought to jail today, I would have a meltdown. Like if someone told me I was going to jail, I would have a meltdown. It's segments. of good times. It's not like a total country club, but then you'll look back and you would think, oh man, that was an, that was our right

day that I had today. I had our right day. You know, I had a water fight in prison with another pod. We was going to necessity. And I don't know what happened. One guy threw some water, and they was like, oh, that's what you're doing?

So everybody got bags of water and buckets and all type of stuff. So when they would come back in same part. We would throw water at them. They would throw water at us and the officers couldn't do anything about it because they had to let us out to go get closed. So it was like that was a time and then we played flag football one time and, you know, then it was some things that you, that you bond with a couple of people. And then you have, you say, okay, that was a good time. Like I remember my guy got caught masturbating and, and that was, that was hilarious because the lady came in.

We saw him run up to his cell, but we didn't know what he was going for. And then all of a sudden and she's doing the count, and she's all out, hey, put that up, and we just, we're dying. It's like, because we know what he was doing. He was like, so, you know, we joke about that for an hour, that, you know, some time passed. They don't let you masturbate in prison? Not on the female officers. You can't do it where they can see you, but it was like he had on some shades, and it's like his prison jacket with nothing else on but his boots.

And he was like, ah, it was hysterical. When I was arrested in Seattle, I was in there for a month. And at the time I was dating a fucking dirty whore. I couldn't even think of being away from a... You know those dirty whores that you rip their pants off and fuck them? Yeah. You fuck them with a yeast infection. You don't give a fuck, Jack.

You just tear that ass up. And I went to prison and I was... Because I was fucking her every day. So here I am locked up. And I would go in the shower, take an hour shower, jerk off in there, shave, come back, go under the blankets, bang one out in there. And I had this little picture of... Pamela Anderson and all it was like from her waist down like they had cut off her arms somebody had jerked off on her arms and like a mid torso I had like this arm here and this side and her little pussy which was beat to death from people looking at it and I was just jerking off looking at her like her feet and I would put the blanket over my head and just jerk off under the blanket like a savage and one day somebody said Joey stop it

and I thought I was getting away with it and you're demented perverted mind it's mine. You really think they're not watching you or that people don't see your hand moving up and down, but you're banging one out. But wouldn't it be bad if they didn't let anybody do that? No, they're not. It's not that it's banned. They want you to do it on your own time, like in your own space. But I've seen that before in like some like prison shows. Like some places just don't let you do it at all. And like I feel like, I feel like, people would be little. You could jerk off next to Paula when she's sleeping and she wouldn't know. You think so? I used to do it all the time. After they pass out. You still want to shoot a load, but that passed

out. And you just do a cappuccino in your hand, because your whole body don't move. Just your wrist and your little hand moves. You know what I'm saying? You got to be prison savvy. Yeah, you got to be prison savvy. I've never jerked off next to anybody. That's fucked up. That's fucked up, Joe.

Fuck yeah. You got to jerk off next to Mama one time. You got to be real. You know, you got to get all this. It's just a little hand. I had a buddy once who told me that he used to have to masturbate in the bathroom. from the smartphones came on. He's like, I go and I do it in the bathroom from my phone. I do it into the toilet. I'm like, that sounds terrible having to do that.

Where do you do it? When she's there, I don't. But then when she doesn't, when she's not in my house, I don't have to. You do a living room in the open, but the shades open? No, I do in my bedroom. Okay. But she doesn't live there. Like candles? Sometimes. I mean, if the mood strikes, I could. Put on a little Marvin game.

You know, it's fun, but I want you to describe. for them the first 30 days after you get sentenced because it's not that it's not fun it's that you're at different places but you have all the doubts in your hair once you get settled it becomes something else but if i see him on tuesday and he says to me baby boy say a prayer for me i'm going to get sentenced on thursday i got this i got this and all someone like i'll see you Saturday we're gonna do that thing right yeah i see you said no worry god's gonna keep you out when he goes in on Thursday gets sentenced. That's it. Sometimes if you got a good attorney, they can keep you out for six hours while you get your shit together. But nine out of ten, once he sentences you, that's it.

So you've got all this stuff left. And then when you go in that, now you have all this doubt. I mean, this poor guy was 19 years old. I was 25. In the back of your mind, what are you thinking? A lot of doubt. A lot of doubt. You think that you tough enough. You hope that you tough enough. but you have to rely on things that people taught you or people said to you that were in the county with you that had been down before and I relied on my lot everything that my uncle told me

my uncle Alfred and my uncle Mac everything they told me I did and it was like it went like clockwork it went just like they said it's like yo when you get in there don't go straight to your sale go in your cell put your stuff down come back out close the door to your sale and stay in the day room.

Because if you don't do that, people are going to think you're not tough. They're going to think they can take advantage of you. So had this whole mentality of, you know, I do whatever to defend myself. You know, and you say you've got to get away from what you think is civilized in the world. Because that's what we call it, the world. You know, once you inside, everything else is the world. This is your new place is being inside this cell, being inside this block, inside this prison. and whatever you think is savage, it's probably the norm here.

You know, like, now I remember getting in a fight and I couldn't leave it like that. I knocked the dude out, and then I filled the mop bucket up, and I went up a flight of steps, and I dropped the mop bucket down on him. You know, like a savage animal, and my shirt is off, and I'm telling the office, if y'all come in here, it's about, I'm about that too. and I really wasn't about that because when they came in they came indifferent it's like eight of them

and they beat you up real bad but it's like the mentality was for everybody else to let it be known if you cross me this is why I'm going with it you know so it's hard to it's hard to even look at a fight

as a fight in there I'm trying to get you as close to death as I can get you you know without killing you to catch a free world case you know but if I could get you close to depth for you to think about it and your friends to think about it and your comrades and whoever else with you because there's some other people that I try to oh he from my neighborhood so I want to defend him but you don't even know this guy you don't know what he did or whatever but I got to stop that too you know it's not just a it's not just about this person in front of you like I remember this guy man he allowed this dude to do something to him and I say hey man that's going to be bad if you don't respond to that. And dude's like, no, I think it'll be okay. Then the next time I see him, he's sitting next to the pisser in the day room.

Sitting right next to the piss in the day room. And people coming peeing while he's sitting there. He has no respect. He's reduced to nothing because you allow somebody to get away with something in there. And I can't let you get away with an inch, not an inch, not even nothing. Like if you, it's like you're savvy. bitch, because you have to maintain, hey, man, if you cross me, it's something bad going to happen to you. And I'm talking about now, like ASAP.

It's not going to happen tomorrow. It's going to happen right now. How long it took you to get into that mentality? Probably two weeks. Two weeks. Because I was sentenced and I was getting ready to go to the, to the president. I was in the county. And this spot called 10B3.

And everybody, 10B3 was like a place that you heard about. about in the streets. You in the streets, you're hustling. People are like, yeah, I was on the 10th floor. You know, I was in 10B3, 10A, 2. These are all corner tanks. So it's like you come in the corner tank. It's like this room having another part around the corner that the officers can't see that you're in.

So you're in more danger in a corner tank. So I remember being in processing. I'm thinking, okay, they already said I'm going to the 10th floor. And I'm just sitting there like, just don't let it be a corner tank. Just don't let it be a corner tank. and the man gets right to me and says 10b3. I was like, oh, Lord of mercy. So I get to 10b3, and I'm sitting in, like, the little vestibor area,

and I'm holding a sandwich. They give you a sandwich with a dot of peanut butter in the middle because you're coming from processing. And I'm sitting in, some dudes come up to the bars, and like, yeah, that's him right there. And I'm like, yo, what part of the game is this? He was like, yo, that's him. That's the one who slapped my sister.

I'm like, I don't even know his sister. never even slapped a woman and then I went back to what my uncle Alfred said people are going to try to get pumped up to see where you at you respond to that with savage force and I was like then my mind clicked in yeah I'm the one that slapped your sister and when I get in there I'm gonna try to murder you hopefully you hopefully you already sentenced and dudes is like you know what's wrong with this dude like yo man I'm not I'm too small to allow somebody to think they can do something. to me. You know, that's my whole thing. I'm way too small for a person to think that you got any type of inch with me. And it was just getting into this, and you, and it's like coming from war

when you get back in the streets. Now, I have to try to go down, take it down a notch. Right, right. I remember that. Yeah, yeah. Take it down like several notches. Because I know, for six years, I'm capable of murdering anybody. Even though I was a non-violent offender when I came in here, I came in there for drugs. But I'm able to murder anybody in cold blood and just sit there. And just sit there like, yo, whatever, because you did something to me.

Now, when you get on the streets, you have to slowly try to get adapted to, disrespect and I wasn't accustomed to that. And then you don't get, if somebody disrespect you is, it's intentional. You know, it's intentional to try to see what you are. And I went through that process maybe a couple of times because I went to different prisons.

You know, I was on Bill Clemens, I was on Darrington unit, and I remember that when they sent me to Torres, I was 21, I was considered an older guy, I was considered a vet. So they was like, well, we need some vets to kind of calm down these youngsters and give them away. So they sent me and some other vets there. And I remember this dude came up to the processing fence. He was like, yo, yo, little man, when you come out here, we're going to have some words. And I just looked at him.

Never said a word to him. Just looked at him. Because I knew when I got on the other side of his fence, I was going to seek him out. No matter where they put me on this prison, I was going to seek him out and have a conversation with him. like yo and I did and I told him hey if you ever speak out of turn to me again you won't make it home to see your people and I said that's the end our conversation and I left and we never had words we never had words again I'm like yo because I'm telling you I'll paralyze you and it's it was an easy thing for me I'll take off both pair of my socks put a can good in my socks and I just hit you in the head

that you right in top of your head several times. I take the top of a tuna fish can and I bend it and I're shaping and I bend it and then I come stab you in your throat with it with no problem because I feel that's what you're going to do to me. So prison is a even though you have fun once you respect it once you settle in

but it's a process where people think that they can haze you and you have to stop that haze in ASAP, or you're going to be somebody's stepping stool, so to speak. No, you become a lot of people stepping stool. People are taking. That's just one. They'll just take it from you. People take stuff out your hand, take stuff from you.

Man, I used to watch it, and it used to irritate me. And I talked to them dudes, hey, how can you let somebody? Let me give you a tip. Do you have a hot pot? They were like, yeah, take that hot pot, boil you some bit. It was like this stuff like common But it was like common and bleach mix Get that the hot as you can get it

Then you put something else in there Some candy or something You put some jolly ranches You put anything else and you want in there that stick And you take that hot pot And you throw that stuff in its face And then you start beating them with the hot pot And then you tell me how disrespect

Goes after that You know, just you got to do Something to get people off you man And it's like well I'm not equip, you know, look, let me put you in a mind frame. Somebody's raping your daughter. What's you going to do?

Just had that in your brain and go from there. And I guarantee you that you won't be disrespected in a minute. I guarantee it. Now, I mean, first of all, your uncle's like fucking Sun Tzu. All right? That motherfucker should write a book

for people going in. He should. Zunzu. But a lot of what Ali is saying applies to life. In my world, I came from immigrant mentality, and my mom had stabbed the motherfucking Cuba who raped her little sister. My mom got out of Cuba, they helped to get out, came to the States, went back to Cuba with an alias, and then had me and my sister,

and then came back here and then kept the fucking alias. But my mother's thing was no, no nothing. Like, there's no mercy in this life. Like, as soon as they disrespect you, you go for it. When I was a little kid, I mean, my mom used to have hand signals at the park. This meant knock them out, punch them in the face, you know. My mom was old school like that. I was raised like that.

Once I got on drugs throughout the years, I mean, don't get me wrong. You don't get the first base around me. I always stop a motherfucker and talk to them. Maybe some people are very confused, especially when you get to cities like this. Yes. People very confused when they get about. four around, when they get around four people. And they don't know that in my world, four people are in shit,

because I'll hit you with a fucking bottle, it'll blow up. And those other four motherfuckers will piss their pants. I've seen it a thousand times. Once the shit goes, pop-pap! And the motherfucker goes, ah! His little friends will piss their pants. And now you look at them, and they melt. They'll give you their fucking wallet.

They just give it to you. Here, man, we don't know this motherfucker. Fuck him. We hate them, too. It's amazing how quick the time. tie turns. And I'm from that mentality. That's why people didn't fuck with me at the comedy store for a long time. Some people don't book me because I'm old school. I come do a job, you pay me. That's it. There's no, you know what I'm saying? I don't leave without my fucking check.

There's a lot of things. Lee and I were talking about this, that, you know, what's Tony say? You have to set your marker and enforce it. And that just goes to street life. That goes, And it's really weird when I got off the Coke eight years ago. It changed my career. It changed me as a human being because I always had that fear that I was going to go to prison if I stabbed you in the fucking head and I wouldn't be able to do my cocaine. That little addiction held me back at times. Not that I would think about it, but somewhere in my psyche.

I remember when I got off Coke, like the first three months, I just went and talked to people and straighten them out. And they were like, what are you talking about? Let me tell you what I'm talking about, about eight months ago, one Friday night. You made a remark as I was getting the car. You didn't think I heard it. I just drove away because I know better. You're a piece of shit.

You ever say something like that again? I will fucking hit you with a soul machine. They would look at me, dog, like they didn't know what the fuck I was talking. But my life changed because that's how I was raised. I was raised like that. I didn't have, you know, I went to, in diagnostic, it was a little real in diagnostic. The 10 days I was in diagnostic, motherfuckers were getting nauseous. out, people putting fingers and people's foods.

That was a fucking jungle there. That was a jungle. Once I got the way I was going, I had a beef with a biker dude. He just thought he was cute around his friends, but I caught him by the laundry machine one day by himself. The laundry room was next to the HIV ward. The HIV ward was brand new when I got locked up. They didn't know. Rock Hudson declared HIV in 85.

I got locked up in 88. They just built these motherfuckers and whole new. wing, brand new microwave ovens, refrigerators, and you weren't allowed in there, you know what, they were human beings. So I would go in there and eat with them, and I'd had my drugs in there, and I'd had my betting slips in there because they never, the cops would even go in there. They were scared to touch anything. So everybody would hide shit in there.

It was amazing. I sat in there one night and I caught that little motorcycle motherfucker going into that laundry and with a bucket of clothes. The first thing I did to them was I stole the American cheese thing from the kitchen, and I put a piece of shit in there. I took a piece of shit and I put it right in there. I took the shit in the toilet and I took it out and I took the American cheese flag that was in the shit

and the flag and I stuck it in the shit and I put in his drawer. The dude was always cute around his little fucking biker dudes and I play with him that way. We were both in the same unit because I worked in the kitchen. I was a stock clerk and he worked in the kitchen. He was a cook or something like that. But when he was around the black dudes in the kitchen,

he wouldn't say much because deep down the side, he hated black dudes, he hated Spanish people. when he was with his boys of long hair oh you should have seen him out there without his jacket on and shit and I just made him I go I'm going to make an example of this motherfucker this motherfucker has no idea what I'm going to do to him and after I took the shit he knew it was me

but he didn't have the balls to come up to me in that kitchen ward so he was going to get me when he was around his little buddies in the daytime but I caught him that Sunday night while he was doing laundry I'll eat and I got him by his hair that's why I don't want to I don't give a fuck what concert you're going to see or what revolution you want to go. There's a lot of things real motherfuckers don't do it. They don't have long hair, don't put earrings on with a loop.

No earrings in your nose because a motherfucker like Ali or rip that fucking earring out of your nose. You know, you think you're cute at Starbucks. You ain't going to be no cute with that hook fucking nose no more. All right? They'll rip it right on. And you don't wear fucking flip-lops because I will step on that fucking toe. I'll break that big fucking toe and the bone that it's attached to before you even get up off your fucking foot. I will step on that

motherfucking brand. And you have no idea what it feels. You ever stub your toe in the middle of the night? Think of that 300 times when I break the socket with my fucking heel. So you want to keep being cute with your fucking sandals. That's why I don't wear sandals. I leave with Adidas the fucking hard shell. I

sleep with these motherfuckers. You understand me? Beatis. Shit. Old school. We're ready for the fucking revolution. You always got to have one step ready for the revolution. I don't trust sandals. man. No, no, no, no.

When you run, you fucking one flies off, and now you're like fucking, you know. Even if you get in the fight and one come off, you lost. And Joey karate, listen, that's great. You ever get kicked with a foot, it hurts. You get kicked with an Adidas size 13. That hurts a lot fucking more.

It was, you got me all fired up because I remember the mentality I went in there with, and I went in that with that same mentality. Because in my world, at that age, I thought I was going to end up there anyway. I thought that was going to be my final stop. So I was waiting for a motherfucker that throw a fastball at me. And when I got in,

I teamed up, when I got to my destination, I teamed up with an old mobster that was selling gambling things on Monday night football. And he said, I can't get to the blacks and the Latinos. I said, well, I speak Spanish, and I'm half black. I'm Cuban. It's the same shit. And guess what? He went from selling one card on Mondays to three cards. They said he was running the football pool. the football pool, but I got them running on everything. You know, in prison, you get motherfuckers gambling. If you don't, if you build it, they'll come. If you build it, they'll come.

They'll come. And Uncle Joe, that's Uncle Joey's specialty at building bookie operations. You give me a couple days, I'll get some dice in this motherfucker. We'll put, and that, listen. And I always try to say, I have always been, I'm racially incensitive, but my heroes, you know,

my heroes, Julia serving and Richard Pryor, straight through, combined. That's it. That's it. Julius Irving in my world. There's not a lot of people who would say. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Julius Irvin.

No. Dr. Jay, nobody knows. Nobody knows. How does anybody just skip him over when they say, oh, he's, Jordan was better than him. No, Jordan was more marketed than him. But how is he better than Julius Irvin, man? Julius Irving got all his moves. Dr. Jay got all his moves.

I mean, Jordan got all his moves from. Dr. Jay, besides one, he couldn't do, he can never do the move when he went behind the rim on the Lakers. He did this on the Lakers. Julius serving. Yes, he did. All his best moves were against the Lakers. The three moves.

The Dunkin, Philly. That was on Cooper. That was on Cooper. I was at the game getting one point in Philadelphia. I was a college skis, snort and Coke, Robin jewelry stores, and I was down at Glassboro State, and if they scored 125 points to sixes, you got a free hamburger. Man, if they scored 125 points on the way out, you get your ticket stub to a hamburger joint.

They gave you a free hamburger, and we drove down there getting a point and a half. I remember driving now and going, this ain't right. They got Moses Malone. You know that's a friend of mine. Who's that? Moses Malone's a good friend of mine. You send them my love.

You tell Moses Malone, when he played for the Houston Rockets, in 1978, 79, I took a bus from Northburg and New Jersey. You had it to go all the way to New York City and switch at Porta Tharty, and I went all the way to Piscataway. And I tell people this all the time, and I'm going to get smacked in the mouth for saying this, but I'm going to come out. If Moses Malone had played against Shaq, he would have taken Shaq and thrown him through the fucking rim. Moses Malone, when he played for Houston, check his numbers, Lee. It was 30 points a game and 24 rebounds a game.

Listen, guys. First place straight out of high school. 24 rebounds a game out of high school. They got discovered that five-star basketball can. He was from Tallahassee. No, that's Daryl Dawkins. It's Daryl Dawkins. That's Darl Dawkins.

Moses Malone. We just lost a good friend. We were at the funeral together. Moses Malone. Oh, my goodness, man. But Dr. J. Dr. J. No, no, no.

Lebinga. I still remember coming home and getting a red, white, and blue ball. This is what America doesn't remember. This is what basketball. And I put the red, white, and blue ball between my legs. I was too fat. to have a notch number 32, Jersey. Okay?

This one, he was number 32. And him, Super John Williamson, uh, uh, the big cheeseburger that went up, Billy Polts, he went out to play for San Antonio. And I used to watch Julius Irving.

And I, once Julius Irving, Julius Irving and Richard Pry got a hold on me at the same time. When I came from Cuba with James Brown, once Julius Irving got, Julius Irving added the class to my life. I would have still been a runaway fucking savage like Moses Malone. Because in the reality, Moses Malone is just a runaway savage.

Savage highlights if you want to watch it. Go. Moses Malone is just a runaway savage. The best is when he played for the sixes and they got into a fight with Mark Ivoroni. Oh, man. Oh, shit. And he just grabbed Mark Iveroni and whispered something in his ear. Like, pick up your arm again and I'll break that motherfucker.

And Ivoronies like, I got no beef with nobody. I love Americans. Moses Malone, man. This dude, I remember he had a brown Rose Royce with a tan top. And it's like this guy. It's like, look at Julius right there with him. Oh, my God. Look at number six right there with him.

Yeah. Man, this, oh, man. You know, he's the originator. Like, people who don't even know. They wear Air Force ones. They don't know this who actually wore him. Like, what I know, Kareem brought the Sheltos out. You know, he played in Shale Toes, but that's who played in Air Force Warms.

Moses Malone. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's Moses. And that's a team right there, those Celtics, Jack. Look at that team right there. Put that back. Oh, look, that's right there right in front of you. Same motherfuckers.

Look at that team. Moses Malone. Look at that pot-smoking motherfucker. What's his thing? The chief, Robert Parrish. They found him with a pound away. Get that out of here. Oh, my God.

Look how huge is. Look at Moses. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. But you see that little guy in the bass. was Gus Williams. That was Gus Williams. He just coasted by. The little wizard and he had a brother. What was his name? Williams had a brother too. But the Seattle Seahawks had a dude name downtown Freddie Brown. Downtown Freddie Brown. Oh shit. Lee, you have no idea. And he was 611 Lee. He is? He was 611 and nobody knows that he created the dude from Africa. He took him under his wing and taught him all this shit. When he came to Houston. When he came to Houston in the summers. He caught a cab. He caught a cab to Houston

because he said it was too cold where he was playing and he came there to play soccer and they saw him on the on the soccer field and it was like yo what is he doing out there what is what is the lodgeman doing out there and Moses man when Moses took him on his wing and gave him everything taught him every move

that he had and man Moses Malone man and then he's just a Moses a good dude man yo yo yo you'll leave man uh Tony gone brother Good. Yeah, because we have...

Where does he live? He lives in Houston, man. We had a friend named Anthony Colbert, you know, that... I think Anthony Colbert merged us together because he was the same... He did the same thing when... That was the first person Moses met when he got to Houston, and he was from Oklahoma. Tony's from Oklahoma. So he just stuck with Moe the whole time and took more around.

And him and Tony was... They've been friends ever since. He went to his funeral in Oklahoma. and he went to his memorial service in Houston. And the same thing that Anthony Colbert did for me. When I first started doing comedy, you know you always need somebody to try to help you. And that was the first person who, you know, got me headshots. If I needed to travel somewhere, he would loan me the money because he knew I would just give it back to him.

And he just really helped my career as just a person. Even when I used to get, you know, struggling through something, I was going in his office and be going off and he would just sit there and listen. And then as soon as he finished, he'd give me a story that has nothing to do with what I just finished talking about. But it was like, yeah, you know, and then he told me this story. He said, he asked Moses one time, could he play ball with him? And Moses told him no. He said, hey, man, we're friends. Why you can, you know, why you won't play basketball?

He said, because all you can do is hurt my game. You know, you can't do anything for my game, so I won't play you. You know, I only play people who could elevate my game. And then that taught me only be around comics who can elevate your game. Always. You know, on whatever aspect. Just be around some people who have something else to offer than what you have. Don't hang with the other guys.

You have to elevate. And I took a lot from Tony. And being at the funeral and me and Moses was both there. and we was like, Moses's like, yo man, we're going to miss him. And these are two different ends

of the spectrum, two different years of people who he meant a lot to. You know, so that's how me and Moses are super connected and he's just a good person. He got into a fight one time,

a big argument, not a, let me not call it a fight, a big argument at the comedy club where I was performing. He came to see me and him and his lady got into an argument in the front.

And I say, yo, who arguing in my show? And I look up as Moses. He was like, Brother, my baby, brother. You're like, man. Julius serving.

You see Moses, you say, I met the biggest Cuban fan ever. He took a bus three hours, got in trouble, got punished, because we didn't get back until two in the morning. The bus stopped in New York and sat there for an hour. Then it took you over the fucking over-the-tong. But I went to see Moses when he was a Houston rocket. And when I found out he became a six-old, I knew him my heart. I'm the dog.

I could lie to you about a lot of shit. I knew him my heart. go they're going to win the championship it's just too much that's all they needed they needed they got rid of uh the guy that shot with the one arm george will be Guinness yeah McGinnis McGinnis uh they also had what's his name's father joe jelly bean brian jelly bean shit what year this is 82 83 yeah when they won they got a they got Moses in 83 and they immediately won in fact they swept that's how decidedly I was not wrong I knew that they would fucking

Fofo Foh Foh That was the big thing You want the roster? Yeah J.J. Anderson Maurice Cheeks Earl Kirsten

Franklin Edwards Julius Irving Mark Ivoroni Clemonds Johnson Reggie Johnson Bobby Jones Moses Malone Mark McNamara

Clint Richardson Ruskeone and Andrew Tony And all they needed was Irvin Cheeks And Moses. Andrew Tony could shoot the ball in the dark.

You know that? Andrew Tony could shoot the ball in the fucking dark. You have no idea how big. And then they got it. I mean, they were a great team. I was with the Sixers when they had Doug Collins, when they fought against Foco down in Florida from Tallahassee, not Moses, Daryl, Darrell Dawkins.

Darrow Dawkins and Maurice Lucas fought in the middle of the fucking thing. Chocolate done. I'm in the eighth grade cheering for five. There was a dude behind my house, Jimmy DeMarco, Jimmy De Sumpton, and he got hitting the head with a brick, and all of a sudden he became a psychic. You'd ask him, who's going to win the game tonight? I had like 50 bucks, and I asked him, like, who's going to win the series? There's just, hmm, the Sixers, four to two, four games to two.

I'm like, fucking I'm betting. I bet like, like, two hundred dollars. I was like in their fucking eighth grade. I was half retarded. When the fucking Sixers lost, I went over there, and I go, Jimmy, what the fuck? The Six is lost. He goes, my psychic ability was. off that day.

He goes, no, no, he goes, I meant to say the wrong, because Portland beat them four to two. But Julius Irving against the Portland Trailblazers had a slam dunk in the face of Bill Walton. When Julius Irving,

when it came to realization, he was not, do you remember this? When he came to the real, he had two great slam dunks against the Portland Trailblazers, but when Julius Irving came to the realization,

put it on, Julius Irving's top 10 dunks, he came to the realization, that he was going to lose to the Portland Trailblazers. He took the ball three quarters down the court league, and he slammed it so hard in Bill Wharton's face. I'm talking about in his fucking face

that Bill Walton was calling for an offensive fucking foul. It was horrid. All right, right there, and you hear the music is tremendous to this. If there's the same one. All right, watch this fucking dunk right here. Okay, this is nothing. All right, this is. This is just a regular one.

They just getting warmed up. This is tremendous. Against the Lakers. Oh, shit. Lee, watch this. Learn something. All green.

Look at them, Lee. Look at them. Underneath. And against a tremendous team. What this one, Lee? Here we go. Awah. Bayia.

Why you jump in? Why you even bought it? Look at this one, Lee. Look at this one, Lee. Again against the Lakers. Boom. Oh, my God. Look at this one, Lee.

Against the Lakers. Look how high. Oh. Oh, bam. That's better than the Jordan one. Watch this one. Boom. That one's amends a men's one.

Now they're going to throw the heaters at you. All right. This is a good one. The self is. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus Christ. And that's Cowan, dude.

That ain't no fucking walk in the park. That dude was six for eight Cowens. Lee, and he was the center. Look at him. Look at this one. Look how long he is. All right. Look at this one, Lee.

Here we go, Lee. This is the first one. Oh, look at this one. Walton. Walton. Look at Walton coming in. Watch Walton coming and watch this, Lee. Oh, my.

Look him to call for offensive foul. See, he's calling for an offensive foul. Look at against Bobby Gross. Boom. Are you fucking kidding me, Lee? They don't, look at this. You're at home at your mother's house. Your head would fucking explode.

And here's the one. Here's the one. Getting the three-point. Getting the point and a half, Lee. Rocking the crane. Rocking the cradle, rocking the cradle. And he had nobody to watch. He was just.

It's still amazing. Lee, nothing but class. You understand me? Nothing but fucking class, Julius Servant. Listen, guys, I don't have no reason to lie to nobody. From 80 to 84, the only thing that kept me alive was Julius Servant. I would go to the games. I would yell.

I would go to the games and stand under the bass and go, Doc, I got you big. I'm not going against the nets. He had to cover Albert King, and they would give him four points, and the fucking Nets beat him at home. I went to see, I used to go to see the Sixes against the Knicks on Christmas. That's how lucky I was. It was very lucky. You had no idea. So for me to watch basketball now, I just...

It's like, ah, it's cool. But when you watch Julius Urban, when you watch Ice Man, you know, George Gervin was smooth. Smooth, six foot seven, six foot eight, really? Because they lied. Because San Antonio would score 150 points on you. Yeah, they'd score Seattle would score 150 points on you. You think I'm kidding, you though. I'm saying, I'm talking of these people, Denver would score 150 points on you.

Please show America downtown Freddie Brown. Just show America. This is a chubby little dude that sat at the end of the bench with a brown bag, drinking a couple beers. And they tell the coach, coach, listen. Listen, I don't know about salary caps. I don't know anything.

I got a little house. I got this little skinny sister. She's banging. I just want to eat and drink. And score like maybe 12 points again. I'll come in. I shoot six times. I get 12 points on the motherfucker.

Right? This guy was tremendously. He had a little body. None of them. See if they find one of his video. And he was sit at the end, and they put him in, like, with two minutes left in the first quarter, he always relieved somebody. Like, who, you know, look, Fred. Do you want to see him talking or him playing?

Playing. I want to see talking. What I want to see talking for? Right here, let him do the talk. Look at him. This is crazy. This is, this guy could fucking destroy you. This is why they were scoring 150 points.

Boom. He was, and look at his body. He was no. This is a little guy. He's a little guy. Oh shit There's downtown Look at him

Shaking him One hand Bam It was automatic When he got the ball And he would tell the coach I don't want to do much I don't really want to play defense

I just want to listen Right here there he go Boom There you go Lee Popping him one-handed Look at the net Lee look at the net Look at the net

Their biggest league Six The Lakers Bigger's biggest league See the thing is That's why he'd be like Steph Curry is the best Best shooter

That was nice It was some people that was out there that was silk, man. Watch this guy. This is craziness, Lee, how this guy played the game. And he wasn't a starter. Jumper? Pop! Look at that!

We just saw him throw in three shots in a row, and that's what he would do. And that's it. That's it. That's all they needed him for. Yeah, 10 seconds. Go ahead, give it to him. Look at this, Lee. There he is, Lee.

And they weren't even covered him. No, they knew. You could put eight guys on him. It don't matter. It don't matter. You got to guard everybody. Look at that one. Look at that one.

Lee, it was all poppers. And he didn't start shoot. Remember, they caught the three-pointers that later his career. They knew he would kill that. They're like, we can't give it to a little chubby black dude. Look at him. Look at the net. Any side of the floor.

They don't do that no more. So. All right. So now when do you get released, my brother? I got released October 21st, 1997. And then I actually got really released 2007, October 21st. Okay, so... October 7th, you go move back with who?

Mom, uncle. I actually moved. I went to Houston with $100. Had no really place to go, no place to stay. So I went to my mom's house. And I knew I wasn't going to be there for very long. I was like, yo, two weeks tops, I'm out of here. And I went to a man's apparel store because I had no clothes.

So, you know, and I went to this store. It was called Mosa at the time. And his dude named Reggie Ballett was the manager. And I went and he's like, yo, we're not hiring. So I went the next day. He's like, yo, we're not hiring. Then I went Friday. He said, yo, man, I told you.

we're not hiring. Cool. So then I show up Saturday. The place is busy. And so the place's busy. I'm just sitting in there looking, you know, inconspicuous. The dude's like, yo,

um, yo, can you go to the back? Because it looked like I was working there. Can you go to the back and give me some mock necks? I was like, didn't know what the mock neck turtleneck was at the time. So I just went to the back and I'm like,

yo, I'm the mock necks. And so dude's like right over there. So I took something to the front. And then I just end up working the whole day. And then Reggie was like, yo, we had a great day. You guys were on fire. And he looks at me and says, man, didn't I tell you he wasn't hiring?

I'm like, yes, you said, but I've been here all day, you know, working. So he told me to come back Sunday. I was a top salesperson there for like two years. And then it was another place called a sunglass hut. I worked in the Mosa and the Sunglass Hut in the same mall, Sharpstown Mall in Houston. And I started doing stand-up at this place called Just Joking Comedy Cafe in Houston on Richmond. Will it be out?

Yeah, Juan Villarreal and Honest, Jay was the host for a while, and Bruce was the, Bruce was the host for a while, and Tony Scopefield and all these guys, Jamario, Jamario, Jemario, I'm just going, and it was Apollo night that I went. And I had a phobia about earthquake for a long time, performed with Earthquake, because the first time I ever went up, that's when I learned a very, very good lesson about your audience,

who you're in front of. So it's college night, it's the night that I'm going, they let all the average of people up. I have on a suit because I worked at the Man's Apparel store, but college kids are just in there with college kids,

where I walk on stage and they immediately start booing me because I have on a suit. And as I'm getting booed, earthquake walks in. And I'm like, yo, I just got booed in front of an earthquake. So I waited like two weeks, and I came back with some jeans on and a t-shirt, walking.

I didn't say what I was going to do. I just put my name on the list. And I went up, and a month later, I was the host of the Apollo night for like a year and a half. And then they tried to pay me $35 one night with a super-packed house and said, you know, wasn't, you know, wasn't no people in here. And then I left. And then I, every since then,

I just always had a room in Houston where I could go and work on my craft and whatever. So for a lot of times, the earthquake was walking to places, and I'm like, I'm not going to do good because earthquakes here. And then finally we start working together. I worked on a couple of shows with him.

But yeah, that's why I started, man. But I just, once again, learning from taking something from prison, knowing your audience, knowing where you had, and then adjusting. That's the start of me. When you went to your mom's house, was stand up in your mind or was it on the horizon? It was on the horizon. Like me, it was on the horizon.

When I walked out of it, I was like, it's going to be a tough sell. I couldn't sell it to myself at that time. I didn't know the basics, and I kept dabbing with it, like just watching movies, you know, watching specials. Well, when you get out of prison, don't you have to get a job? So don't you need to have something more? I went right to a halfway house because I got reconsidered to community corrections. They elongated my sentence to string me out. Yeah, I got sent to like a little pre-release unit.

And, man, I got in trouble that, man. I can believe it. It's very tough, very tough. But I knew why I got in trouble and something, oh, man, you develop. This is what, you know, maybe it was just me. Maybe you did as well. I developed a different appreciation for women in prison. It doesn't matter to me what you look like anymore.

Because in prison, it's like this, the old, you know, the old female guards used to wear their pants tight as they could possibly get them. And, you know, it's just, oh, man, as you, as you, only around men, you start looking at this older woman, like, her face is all wrinkled. She's a guard. but something about our body is like, I think this is hot. So then I'm at a pre-release, man. I'm about to get out like, I know I like it's six months. And there was this little female guard.

She had to be maybe like 60, but she still had this cute little bubbly shape. And she was a lot like a, she worked in a law library. And her pants used to be so super tight. you could see everything and I couldn't take it I just wrote a letter one time I was like I was locked up in prison it never did that but I was like yo man I had on free world clothes you couldn't it was too much man I tried to talk to that lady I was like yo man I'm sick and I mean still to this day I see older white women because that's all that really worked because you in these small country towns

and it's like you see these women you like yo man this is crazy why do I develop Like I wouldn't work at the old folks on them. I'll probably get in trouble there. I don't know what I would do. Yo, I need to pay for your mom again. I don't know what it would do, man. The first pre-release I went to was possibly one of the craziest situations I lived in. Like, I wasn't there a week already, and I was selling blow.

I was lending money out because I got a job right away. I got a job selling cars right away, and I asked for a fucking five-on-a-law and all the fucking to get me going. And then somebody said, dog, there's a bunch of people here that you lend them 75 bucks. They don't, because you had to pay your rent on Thursday. The system knows how to fuck a motherfucker. You got to pay your rent on Thursday, but 90% of people don't get paid until Friday. So I developed a little gig lending out 75 for 102. I don't even know what the numbers were about.

But people lined up, and I was making $25 ahead, $27 ahead. And they paid me no problem. I went nuts. The chicks were. hot in there. The guards were hot with nobody. There was a white, tall, skinny chick that one day came in, and I was weighing Coke, and I put it in the ceiling. And when I went to get the Coke, you know, you put it in, like, a bingle. Yeah.

It opened, and all the Coke went all over the floor. And she came in, she goes, what's all this stuff? And we're like, it's falling off the ceiling. She goes, you guys got to get out of the vacuum. I'm going to write you up. Write us up for fucking. She thought we didn't, she thought it was spackle from the roof. It was like a roof like this, like a ceiling. Yeah. It was really Coke rocks and shit that fell out of a bed. She would have bent over and tasted one of those things.

Then we would have fucked her. Yeah. She would have been. But, no, dog, I went into the handway. I started to slaying a little coke, and there was a little white chick named Patrice from Michigan, real cute and shit. And she always had a boyfriend who was locked up.

Him and her got locked up together type deal. But we talked, you know, we get meals and talk and shit. And that pre-release you paid $50 a day for groceries, and they gave you a bag of TV dinners, burritos, frozen orange juice. They gave you just the worst food in the fucking world. Mutsarilla sticks,

white bread that was old and shit. Co-cuts and the fucking thing. So I started bringing in my own food, but they would search you. If you had more than 40 bucks, you go to jail. You had to hide your money outside or have to hide it in the car

because they know that you're planning something. Why, you got more than 40 cash? They want to know your bank accounts. It was crazy. It was fucking crazy. And I started selling a little coconut. there. I found, you know, and all of a sudden I get there, one and then when I go to sign in,

there's a note that people could leave your notes. And there was a note from Patrice. And she goes, come to my room. So I went to her room, I knocked. What time you got to get out of it? 3.30? No, I was just making sure today, baby. Yeah, 3.30 will get you out of it.

And I knocked on her room, and all of a sudden she opened her the door with not a bikini on, but with a see-through thing that was naked underneath. And right at the doorway, I just popped a Cuban egg roll out. She dropped. I squeezed her tities. Oh. Well, she gave me a little sucky-sucky, and that was it. And that's when it really went off and popping in there,

because that's when I realized the lady invix were fucking the invix. The first floor had the women. The women were upstairs. They'd kill those bitches upstairs. The women were on the first floor, and the men were on the second and third floor. So if anything had happened with a woman, they'd catch you, but there was a TV room, and the woman,

and that's how you got hand jobs from the chick, and then you could both sign out to 7-Eleven and make that one and suck a second. tithies it was fucking craziness man man your house white house was way better than mine we were we we we have been a pre-release so they had still had all these dudes and you could have free world clothes but you couldn't have money they would make you put only money on your books and but the female officers did they work that they knew you was getting out they knew you a six months time this person's on the street I watched this lady come pick a dude

up. She quit and picked the dude up at the gate. And man, go ahead. What happened with the two people who escaped in Pennsylvania or whatever that was? Like, did you guys ever hear about that? Like, guard smuggling stuff in? Even if it's not a woman

or... Well, at the inside, when you're in that level, you're always going to find one motherfucker that's getting something from a guard. Listen, those motherfuckers make a certain amount of money. If you got paper, if you're locked up and you got paper, I tell a story, man.

One of my best friends locked up was a Crip. I'm not associated with gangs. He was just a Crip. You know what? He loved me and I love him. But what I loved about him was on Sunday nights, he had seven visits. He had seven women, dog.

Ali, he had seven women on the outside. He had them all in cars. They all had his kids. They all got a stipend. Because homie was fucking banked up at 25. We were both the same age. But on Sunday nights, we put our foods together for the week.

And he had all his peeps and the nutter butters. And me and him would put on the album at the time, see, because every time period, like the album at the time when I was locked up, the big, big album,

for white people was guns and roses, appetite for destruction, but for black people was Bobby Brown, don't be cruel. Don't be cruel. So every time Bobby Brown don't be cruel came on.

So on Tuesday nights was Domino gambling night for the brothers in the laundromat. And they'd just be playing Domino's, But once the beginning of dumping crew came on And they'd start a little snapping

Oh my God Oh my God Lee I still And they'd smuggle shit in there Like the white dude that I worked with Ron Would take a pot And put cheese in the government cheese With an iron

What you take from an iron He'd melt that motherfucker And he'd throw jalapenos in that bitch And onions So y'all doing a spread This motherfucker was and fuck Ron would cater to Tuesday night Gambling night

And he made nachos for them he would make fucking some type of burrito. It's the soup spread, it's cold spread and hot spreads. I'm sitting here, look, you, I've been listening to you for the last two seconds, but I really haven't been because you said nutty buddies. Nutter butters. Man, let me tell you something. Joyce deletes them.

Dog, they're the best thing in the world. I thank Torrey Bowls. Chocolate ball with the, oh, listen to me. We had a sandwich that we used to make with these. So you take the nutty buzzer. and you take a honey bun and you put peanut butter on both sides. Jesus Christ. And you stack the nutty buddies on both sides.

Do you understand how serious this is? Oh my God, I'm becoming diabetic. It's like, I don't, I really don't. You have no idea, Lee. I really don't like going back there, but this will take me to a whole another place. You don't understand how good this is. And you've got to lay the flat part of nutty buddy on, on. lay the flat part of nutty buddy on the peanut butter with

wait is it too is it like a sandwich sticky bun or one sticky bun one sticky bun one sticky bun one sticky bun on peanut butter on both you got to make it right you got to put you got to listen you gotta put the nutty butter down you got to spread the peanut butter on your honey bump flip that down and then put peanut butter on the other side and then put two more netherbutters on the side

and then if you got friends you cut it up for your friends but you want it by yourself Oh my goodness, I'm losing it right now because that was like the ultimate. That's why I tell you, Lee, that simplicity sometimes when you've been locked up, it's the simple pleasures like that that makes you go back home. Were you guys smoking weed in there? No, no, no, no, no, no, that's a hard thing. It's like the highest.

We were doing acid because they couldn't test you for acid. Yeah, they couldn't test for acid. So I was doing acid. Then they was drinking a lot of hooch in their, I had a dude named Berto. That's all he used to drink was the hooch. He would make it itself just for himself. And we always knew when he was drunk,

just he would bust out of his cell with just his like two pair of boxes on his boots. And he just come out, who want to fight with me? But everybody knew that he was like a boxer. And I was like, Berdo, nobody want to fight with you. Man, no. I was in my cell and somebody said, ding ding. He's drunk He's drunk man

It's like him and his dude named Roger Rabbit was like the dudes Roger Rabbit had two goals in the front And he had two oars And he was hilarious And you would always know when he would get into a fight Because he would do a public envy song He would

You would like What was his line was I'm in the air You're on the ground is me That's what he That's when I knew he was getting to a You would hear him. You'd be going somewhere, and you would hear, I'm in the air.

And then you know somebody's probably knocked out. Because in his mind, that's why you're on the ground. The two head chefs in the kitchen, one was a brother named Graveyard. Okay. Because he put you in the graveyard and shit. And then the other guy was Chicken Hawk. His real name was Spencer Antoine. And I loved him like, he schooled me in a lot of ways.

But there was another guy in there. him etchy, a scary little brother. The first, like, he was the original, who replaced who on Friday? In fact, he was the original Chris Tucker. And he used to go Cuba, watch this. And he'd come into a room, take his little thing and go, freeze, everybody down.

And he his voice, it was like, he was, and he goes, that's what I did for years. I was the voicemant. People paid me, made me a partner just to be the voicemont and say freeze. And people would actually go under. And those are the people that made your time easier. I had this white dude that wasn't yoked up. I had a couple tats.

But all the other white dudes, I would see that would stay clear of this dude. This dude was no joke from Philadelphia. His name was John Clark. And he would get, see, that's why I took the stockler job because my visitations were Monday and Tuesday. So I was in that room alone. I could eat some ass. I could finger you.

She could bring Chinese food. If you get your visitations on Saturdays and Sundays, you don't get that. You're in a fucking table with kids crying next to you and people changing diapers. It's horrible. It's horrible. John Clark used to get his visit on Monday so the chick could make out with him and give him speed. And he would swallow the speed. And by Wednesday, sometimes he'd just keep it in his chin and take your big envelope down.

But Mondays, he'd get his thing, and he'd come to my fucking room, and we chop it up. And he'd give me a line of meth. and we go to the high school to play basketball, they shipped us over on the bus. I thought my heart was going to fucking blow up. And I go back to my room and say, I can't believe I'm in prison. And I'm still living like I was living on the outside.

Every day's an adventure. Like, I was the stock clerk, so I had steroids and drugs in the stock room that was off the thing. They never brought the dogs up there. Yeah, I was fine, safety clerk. Okay, yeah. I was a fine safety clerk.

You're in the front office. And you had, you had, had access to probably everything. I used to sit in a little room, and I used to try to make out with this teacher all the times. You're up front, and the teachers were, like, right over there, but you spend so much time with them because you by yourself, basically. Scarborough, the guy, the officer that was supposed to be over me,

the fire and safety man, his name was Scarborough, but he was never there. He was like, I was like on my own. And going back to what he said about being, having fun. in prison. I just, a story just came in my head. A guy named Wynn. He was from Vegas, man.

He was a real big dude. Um, he was Italian and black. Real big dude. We said, man, because, you know, a lot of times you can't get to sleep and you just be sitting in and I would hear this dude just out of nowhere. You're going, what's up, man? Man, we can't sleep, man.

And Wynn was like, all right. and this is i never even heard these songs before i thought there was him and then he would tell me no that's the walls album he was out of nowhere hello hello hello is there anybody in there and i knew the whole song from him like i never heard the original song he would sing the whole wall whatever a dark side of the moon or whatever it was the wall the wall the whole thing it was it was two it was four album sides it was like he knew all the songs songs by like song number seven i'm knocked out but that's when it's like and win was so hilarious he was a big dude they used to they you know you could you could lift and then it was a dude

named brown which was a huge black dude that came off a blockup and brown used to he used to he used to rattle his door so hard that you could hear it if he was in g-pop you could hear it And they were like, yo, that's brown, brown acting up again because they wouldn't give him something. This is the first person I ever seen. You know, they had this thing called Jack Mack. It was like Macro in a can. He was the first person I ever seen, opened the can, drink the juice, and just take it out of the can and put it on two pieces of bread and just eat it with the bones, skin, everything. He was an animal.

We're watching the S, I know it was the NAACP Awards. Never forget it. Taintful of people watching NWASDP Awards. When and Brown walks in and cuts the TV off right in the middle and say yo, y'all about to

be the judges of this bodybuilding contest. And I said, but he said, Lee, don't play. I'll choke you today. I'm not playing with you. You're the judge. You're the master of ceremonies. I'm like, this is stupid, man. And two huge dudes,

are on the top of the table with just their underwear on. And I'm like, the whole audit, the rest of the tank is doing this, and I'm doing like this. Back, lax, it's like, I got to tell them which position to go in. And it's hilarious once I think back on it. But it's like, he held, they held the whole room hostage for us to watch them body bill. And we're just sitting there like, and I said this, Brown got so mad to me. I said, hey, Wins back is.

bigger than yours. You crazy. You crazy. I got the biggest back on this unit. I'm like this is hilarious. I say when? Brown's legs are bigger than yours. He's like, yo man, so I'm watching two dudes

walk back out and they went right back to the rec yard. Right back to working out. I'm like this is insane. But that was another good day. And you live on certain protein. There's guys in there that bodybuilded But the weirdest thing here is the correlation that you went to prison for doing something bad

and you really got something good on it. You never went, you never recidivism. There was no rate. There was no rate with me. I got arrested against Seattle for an assault and shit like that. But I didn't get arrested for kidnapping or trying to take drug dealers down anymore. I mean, what are the fucking chances, bro? What are the chances just staying out of jail?

Never mind Talking to you Right now has helped me a lot Because sometimes Just when I walked in here thinking I saw you And I was sitting I'm like

This guy had the same situation I had Two different parts of the world That anything could have happened Because once you go in They got you You and I both know They fucking got you man

That's the scary That's the scary part What do you mean by that? You're there And you're not going anywhere And you're at the mercy of somebody else's and a lot of these people are friends

or family members or officers that work at these prisons with you and you this is when you talk about nerd this was the only thing that was scary to me in prison realistically that one that's not promised that I get out of here

and that somebody could kill me in here and my family not know because I'm so far away from my family and I'm talking about an officer you know yeah and they can make up any story

he had a shoot whatever just for protecting yourself just for saying fuck you I'm not doing it he might hit you with a stick you might hit him back with a stick another office comes in shoot you in the fucking head

and there you go for something you didn't really do you were just sticking up for yourself yeah and that's the thing that gets to you that one that one moment that you think man somebody could kill me in here. The officers, the administration

could kill me. And what would be the story? You know, what, what could happen? When would my family find out? When they write or, and I don't return a letter, when they come to visit and they say, well, I'm not here, or

they ship me somewhere else, it's thousands of things that could have happened with the administration that didn't by the grace because I know it was people that was there with me, that went in with me that did not make it out. You know, whether you're in a riot,

man, I was in a riot, a lot of riots. And they left you, they leave you on the ground for a while. They don't know if you stabbed or what's the situation. They just left you on the ground and they processing people in at a time.

So, a lot of times, the black guys were the last ones to go in. They would get the white guys first, then the Spanish guys, then they would bring the black guys in after you didn't got tear gassed and all the rest of this you don't you don't know what's going on so it's it's it's those moments in there that you think about you know in hindsight but while you was in that it comes across like yo man it was a blessing that i made it out of there and the only other

thing that i did that was a good thing that was in there if you were my age you was in my age group like anywhere from 18 to 25 you was in my age group it was like a mandate that you had to go to school if you didn't have any type of GED no type of diploma you know I would come to talk to you I'm like

yo what's your plan when you get out of here it would be best that you go to school while you here well I don't want to go to school and I'm like nah this is really not a conversation like you think it's not that type of conversation and this kind of this is a

this is kind of more of like an order well who are you to order me well if you don't go to school you will you see because it was broken down I was considered a what they call a convict a vet because even though I was young

because of the unit that I went to and it was all lifers a lot of times so I learned from them how to conduct myself in this environment with my, what my uncles taught me

and then the environment of being in there with them. When did your uncles teach you that? Was it like, growing up, this is the crazy thing. You know, uncles are strange beings. Your father would be like,

yo, you'll never do this, you never do it. But your uncle sees something different in you all the time. And then he started giving you tidbits of what to do in life. Like my uncle was the first person

that ever told me, hey man, if you can't beat them, you pick something up and you put it in their head. You put it and you bust them in the head with it. My father was like, yo, you know, you fight. But my mom was, she reinforced what my uncle said. Like, yo, she's 4-11. My mom's 4-11 and she, you'll never be bullied.

That's my mom out the rip. You understand me? You will never be bullied. by anybody. I could get in the fight, some kids to jump on me. My mom, we're going back down there, and you're going to fight each one of them kids one while

I'm standing here, because they're not going to jump on you. And if anybody does jump on you, I got my hand in my purse, and you know what that mean, so we're going from that. But I used to be embarrassed about walking the fights with my sister and my mom, but this is one of the most brutal women you could ever possibly come

across. Like, yo, you got to, you've got to, You got it twisted. You think you're going to bully my son. My mom walked me into a couple of fights. I want me to take you away. She fucking threatened the shit on me. Let me give some shout-outs here. And we'll get you the hell out of here.

Listen, man, 300 episodes. It's all because of you guys. So I'm giving all you motherfuckers a shout-out. I love you guys to death. Thank you for keeping us alive. Paul Lynch, Freddie Korea. Diana Mateo, delusional, Thomas,

Dead Squad, Nashville, Danny Cheeseburger, Jesse Wright. Gomez and Escondido Anarchy Edibles and Raymond Mandi I love all you motherfuckers If I didn't mention you It's because there's too many

You cock suckers that I love Right It's not like a mob line up And that's bad I'm telling you I got these people Here they're fucking It sounds like the prison names

It sounds like everybody Who still runs booking somewhere Like yo They run horse races Tony Montana Illusional Thomas Diana Mateo Now you gotta give these people up

Man They've kept the motherfucking lights on and... I've got 30 more minutes. I still got more time. Oh, no, no. I got a pee, though, real quick. I was going to do something here.

I don't fucking know. I got to pee real quick. So, Jesus Christ. You know, you try to lose some weight and be healthy, but then you got to pee every little 18 minutes. You drink water. You think all he thinks.

Jesus' express. So where are you going to be, Ellie? Oh, I'm going to be at the Braille improv tonight and then head it back on the road. and Bill Bellamy with being at the Arlington Improv. And this is a great thing, man. I'm happy to do all these podcasts,

especially anything that Ari suggested I do. Well, after you were on his podcast, like, listening, especially when you hear of prison, just because it's so foreign to, like, most people. Like, oh, him and Joe would be good together. But, like, you don't want to have it be too close, too right next to each other. But I don't know how long he's been talking to you for, but ever since the show and he's blown up, it's really cool.

Yeah, it's been a good thing. Like, this about prison is a lot less intense than me and ours. And we've both been there. So it's like going to a different place of the fun and the other things that could happen in there. It's like, man, the nutty but a thing, when he mentioned it, it just paused me. Like, I didn't even hear anything else. I just like, yo. How often would you do that?

Man, like, as much as you could. It was like, it was like, that's like the crim, that's like a cream brulee. People need to do that and put pictures up and tag all of us because that sounds delicious. Yo, man, anybody, if you understand the dynamics of this sugar protein rush is peanut butter, a cinnamon. type of cinnamon roll you want. I like the honey buns. The honey bun. Oh, delicious.

It's like, it just puts you in a moment of time in prison that you know that you, like, like when I know some guys who drank coffee with Kool-Aid in and peppermints, they would call it a pretty and then, and all that. But you would, it would be, you would be so amped up after you drank one of these. It was like, you got this Kool-Aid pack, you got like four scoops of coffee and then a peppermint and it's like mud. and you just drink that and you eat and you eating this this crim this is a crumboulet this is like a crumbullet in prison this nutter butter with this pinnid butter in a honey bun eating that and you feel like yo man life is okay right now and then somebody gets stabbed and you'd be like all right cool I'm back to reality but it and I like I never even like I don't drink coffee now like I despise coffee but but You don't want to go to Starbucks, go to the back and jerk off, they got you on tape. All these Starbucks, these dirty white people got cameras and all these Starbucks. You go to those Starbucks, take a shit, you're on a Go Now TV and somewhere in a fucking on a plane.

Here's the fucking crazy thing for me that I realized a long time ago, listen, man, I hate working Sundays. Like, I fucking hate it. When I was a young comic, I did it. But one day I said, I'm not doing it no more. I like Sundays at home. I grew up watching Omaha and Disney and all that shit, and it just means something. You don't have a family, you get one,

and you hang out with them on Sundays. And I didn't have visitation on Sunday. Everybody else used to have visitation on Sunday. And that was the first season of either America's Most Wanted or married with children. Okay. 87. And me and this kid.

And again, he was a fucking crib. He was cripping all the way through that motherfucker. But me and him, We're sitting in his room, or we go to the AIDS unit with the nother butters, and we pull out a chair, and we put our feet up, and we eat another butters and dip it in milk, and I'd have a Coke on the side. And the pain went away, the doubt in your mind, just for that night. It was a Sunday night with my friend, and sometimes Anthony Severino were coming from

Cleo and they sit with us, and I don't care how long, how old I get to be. I'll never forget those times. You know, you said that story about emceeing a bodybuilding competition. I've said this story a thousand times. I used to, on third. The second and fourth Thursday of the month was film night. And you got to, they passed a thing around in the cafeteria, and you had a market by the end of the day what three films you want.

And they put two fucking films on. But in those days, I don't even think it was VHS. It's like beta. It was something crazy. But the machine ate the fucking tape. Or it did something fucking crazy, and it would bust. And one day the guys were goofing because I would sit in the kitchen while they were serving the food and watch, and I would tell the people that were my friends what and what not to eat.

So there was some black people I helped out and some white dudes I'd help out, and I'd go, don't eat the shit on shingles. You know, corn, beef on chip, whatever the fuck that is. You know, it's beef with cream on fucking bread that's horribly. You know, but there was some stuff that was good. Where I was at, there was a pistachio pudding. Oh, my fucking God, to die for. I would trade everything. The meatloaf was sensational.

The turkey on fucking Thursday, sensational. The black dude that made the lasagna on Wednesday, fucking off the chain. You understand me? That you would stab a motherfucker for lasagna, and they would give you like a six-ounce military-style piece. There was certain shit that till today I eat because of prison. especially pistachio anything.

Like I ate pistachios when I was locked up, but I never had pistachio pudding like a kid. Once I tasted pistachio fucking pudding, I thought my head was going to blow up. I loved it. Is it what? Do you have things like this? Like, it's certain things about prison,

like the respect level of how people respected each other mostly. Like you really like, you really wouldn't be disrespected by some main dude. You was like, yo, you know, it would be, the meetings, I miss the meetings a lot of times. When something would happen, I missed the whole covert operation of the head of this gang and the head of this gang and my gang and everybody else's getting together. And it's only the elite cats in this meeting. And we're trying to see, and this is a real meeting because this is going to mess up the prison. when you having a discussion,

yo, so this guy stole this and we got to rectify this and you're talking to all of the Mexicans like, yo, we're going to ride tomorrow if this doesn't happen. And you're really making a decision on the person lives or dies

on how this goes. And I never forget, this guy stole this guy's radio. And we've made it. We sent down a mandate that the people that over that guy, y'all need to go in and y'all need to handle that.

And as we stood, the Mexican gang stood to the side as they went and handled it. My crew stood to the side. And he came out of his cell like they were wrestling or something. And the Mexican gang just walked off. And I said, wait, we'll handle it. And our guys went up and then we ended up having staples putting his head. because what you would rather risk of Spanish and black riot over radio, that's what you guys would rather risk.

And then we service the other two guys that you can't do a fake discipline in prison. There's no fake disciplines. Either you're going to discipline this party so he'll understand, or you can cause a whole uproar. And I don't want to get up, and I don't want to be on guard all the time. in this place. So we, you know, these meetings and these different things

that would be happening in prison that I kind of miss it sometimes, but I miss more of food that I can't, it's not the same. Peanut butter on pancakes is not the same in the free world. It's like I don't even have access

to that type of peanut butter or something. I never ate a sardine again. I ate more mustard sardine. When I was in prison, white crackers, because I was getting the protein and trying to build muscle. I would eat the fucking mustard sardines until they came out of my eyeballs. You understand me? Yeah. Once I stepped out there, electrician, I never touched the fucking sardine again.

But when I see them in supermarkets, I stop and I fucking giggle a little bit. And you think about it. Just to myself, and I don't tell nobody what I'm giggling about. It's just my little fucking thing. When I see mustard sardines, it was. Man, we both gained the same insight from it. It was a fucking world that I had exposed to it, that I always knew I was going to end up there.

I always knew. I knew when I was 20 breaking into a window. I said, you know what, it's coming. I just don't know when. I'm going to keep myself out of there. I don't want to go in there. But it's coming. For how long, it's going to be something else.

I was something I was thinking about when I got to move, my car at 4 o'clock or they'll fucking tell you in front but that's why I'm all fucked up right now but we got time. We got 15 more minutes. What was the worst place they put you in that you saw something that I don't even think

I saw a lot of the same thing everywhere but this spot called Goree Gourri Prison in Huntsville and also the walls Gorey Union of Huntsville oh man it was atrocious they had me locked in a box literally in a box man. It

It's like it was a closet. And you had this one little sliver that you could look out. And that was it. No other walls. And it's like, yo, man. And I'm coming from. I'd already been locked up for a while. So I'm not accustomed to this.

Whatever this is, I don't know. I don't like it. And they transfer me to somewhere else. I'm like, yo, man, this ain't where it's at. I'd rather have been in solitaire. I mean, just put me in solitary confinement. and I'm good. But this, I'm not in solitary, but I'm in this box, man.

And it's just, it, when I, I literally, if I'm driving somewhere in Houston, if I go through Huntsville, I literally shoot the finger at Gorey every single time that I pass. Going and coming. No matter who I'm in the car with, they were like, yo, what's that about? Don't even worry about it. But that place over there is right off, it's right off the highway in Huntsville, Texas. And I like, every time. And it just irritated me to even be in that place.

It's like, it's something about that place that they put me in their box. I just couldn't take it. And my whole journey, it was one place. And there was, I thought I was, because you go to, I went to county, and county was overcrowded. So they said they're going to transfer you. Either you're going to go to Missouri, you're going to go to Texas,

or you're going to go to different county jails in Colorado, depending on your time. And then they'll put me in a ski resort jail, which is supposed to be a piece of cake. Everybody in there was fucking nuts. And that's the first time the guards were going to pathmark for you. You can get in your booze, bottles of booze. They came in that night and said,

we're making a ton of clock run. Who got cash? Let's do this. whiskey, $22 a bottle. I mean, they already had prices. This place was crazy. There was a county jail. Everybody in there was white.

I mean, it was like three black people. And everybody was in there for hitting somebody in there with a ski pole when they were drunk. It was just crazy. But before they took us to the DOC, they took us to this other place. I was in there for three days. And guys, I got to tell you something, I wasn't scared. I was just, it really broke me down as a man. like it really made me feel for what I had done.

Like if that was it, I was going to have an uncomfortable time. They put me by myself. And it was a basement with a slit. And that was it. And you went out to take a shower. You went out to play ball for an hour. And God forbid you got sweaty. Now you got a fucking lay there for two days with stinky fucking nuts.

They had a little bit of toilet paper. You had a little metal toilet. It was colder than fuck at night. It was a metal bed. I didn't know. I really had doubts. I read three books in two days, and they searched them. They came into my thing four fucking times.

And I was like, if this is what it's going to be like, that was my biggest lesson. I didn't like a man kicking my bed telling me when I had to wake up. I didn't like that disrespect. That's what I think kept me out of there. I had it to a minimum. There was a couple dudes that fucked with me, but they fucked with me to see my reaction, the guards I'm talking about. And with the guards, I kept it very cool.

I kept it very low-key. They saw I was cool. I stayed away from the drugs. There was different trailers that had different drugs. If you stayed out of there, you were fucking cool. The hardest time ever, it still bothers me to this day. I was on Bill Clemmons Unit in Amarillo, Texas, a prison guard named Mitchell. I'm coming from necessities

And he just wanted to do a random strip search on me In front of everybody And I told Mitchell I say this is not going to be good man And my uncle once again Had advised me to buy some white shorts off a commissary And always wear them They could have all of their stuff But they don't have a right to make you take off your own stuff

For no reason They can make you shake it out but that's it. Mitchell trying to strip search me in front of everybody in the day room, like in this high traffic area. And I told him, I said, yo man, you being unfair to me and you're doing this for no apparent reason. And it's not going to be good.

It's not going to be good. I've been here for, at that point, I was there for like five years, and I had never been naked even in the shower because I've always had these shorts on. So to take me out these shorts for no reason, Mitchell, I promise you this is not going to be good. And so they called all these officers around, even the captain knew. He was like, yeah, what are we doing? What happened?

What's the deal? I just suspect him to have contraband. I'm like, what type of contraband? I don't have anything. So they made me drop my shorts. And from that point I knew I was never going home. I knew it because I knew I was going to kill Mitchell. I knew it.

Nothing about him living. I knew it. Four months went by. And that's all I thought about was getting him every day. And it happened. The stars aligned. This guy was going to, I heard that Mitchell was on four building. I heard he was on the gate at four building.

I had no clue how I was going to get the four building Because I'm gonna I stay on seven building Had no clue This guy got in four building It's um Where they put you right before close custody You just like A bunch of bad people go when you get a case in there

Whatever I can't remember the name right now So this guy coming out with this white bucket That's on my tank Like yo man where you going Like yo they just moved me to four building man You know I gotta I got to you know Build my status back up to come back over here I said, you go in the four building, let me carry your mattress.

And I ran to my cell, got my knife, and I came back down, and I'm like, yo, here we go. Blue, got his mattress, the dude's rolling his bucket, and I'm literally walking with this mattress, and he has no clue what's going to happen. All I'm waiting for Mitchell is to open that door, open that gate. Once we go through, I'm going to stab Mitchell up. I know it. And the distance is so far from the door, nobody's going to be able to get to him before I kill him.

How close were you to getting out? Oh, this was, ah, maybe a year. Oh. I wouldn't even trip. I would have never made it to pre-release. A dude named Leslie Davis, his name is Alameen and Mustafa. I don't know who told them.

It's like they came in, it's like, yo, why are he at? He helped the old boy move to four. building. And they literally got out the building, out of 7th building. Soon as I got around the corner, Mitchell's opening the gate, the guys rolling

through with the bucket, and they come around the corner and they yell my name, Ali! And I turn around and Mitchell sees my face and he slams the door, slams the gate close. And the satisfaction

of me looking in his eyes and he knew that he was going to die that day was enough for them. And I just looked at him. And I just looked at him. And today walked up to me. He said, man, put their mattress down, let's go. And I just looked at him.

And I said, all right, Officer Mitchell, you have a good day. That, and I still thanked them for that because they knew once my mind is made up, it's made up. It was nothing. And it was, I felt the lowest form of disrespect for him to strip me down for no reason. And it's like, I felt like you was trying to, you had a fetish or you was getting off to that or something. And it just bothered. I couldn't, I couldn't tolerate it.

My mom, to this day, she was like, I'm glad that that never happened. But Mitchell, the satisfaction in his eyes, man, to this day. Of him knowing, of him knowing that you knew and he fucking knew. Like once they look, there's a look, people, when somebody knows you got them or you got, it's a beautiful fucking look. And I put that on my, I put that on all my kids. He had the, he knew it. He knew it. Dog, I'm going to just move the car.

Keep this conversation going with Lee. Let me just go move this fucking car. So I don't talk about it. It's right over here. And then we'll go. I'll take it down to the corner there. And you can Uber this motherfucker. You're not Uber to pray, are you?

No. Yeah, man, that was one of the points. And after that, I probably chilled out so deep after that. It was like, it was enough. I think that was the only thing that was that I need to get off my chest before I left that place. And then they moved me to a pre-release. So I was good after that. It's just, it's crazy to me.

I've never been in that situation to be like, okay, I'm going to get out in a year. Yeah, this dude was an asshole, but I could just let it be. But you're like, no, I have to. He has to pay for it. Yeah, it's a different mindset. Yeah, because in there, in there, you, it's no letting somebody make it with that form of disrespect. Right. Have you had any, you talked about it being difficult to transition back, but have you had any, like, actual instances where you were like, oh, I, like, you went, almost went too far or you did go too far?

Not since I've been, not since I've been home. You know, but even when I think back then, I don't think I ever went too far. I think I went right to the edge and then I pulled back. I think the curator really looked out for me, you know, when they say look out for children and fools. And for a lot of them years, I was just a straight fool. I was a savage. Then I got a little bit more grounded. But before Mitchell, there was no incident.

It was just like I was just a normal person just walking through prison life and it was nothing. Was that your first arrest? Yeah, that was my first time ever being incarcerated. It only takes one. It only takes one. It's scary as fucking, man. Is it possible to request solitary? I thought about that.

You would have to play crazy or something. Okay, deal. Who do you think you're dealing with? Some fucking novice? You had to play crazy to get just requests solitaire. Okay. Who kind of request? I said, is it possible to request solitary in prison?

Because I would be terrified. We got those get up and hit somebody in the head with the tray, with the food. And they'll put you in there for free. You can save a fucking tree. Ooh. Ooh. That was a quick run, Jack. Oh, my God.

I took the car from the front, cut like three people off. Fuck them. And the tow truck was right down the corner. They don't play. This is how they're making a living here. I'm on the side. You're in the back. Yeah.

Yeah, you're cool. You're in the front of the fucking building. Four o'clock they're out there. You hear that peep, peep, peep, that means you're going down, cock sucker. That's morse cold right there. You got to move the fucking car. Huh? Good call.

What the fuck you think you're dealing with some novice? I know how they fucking bang you here. They don't fuck around in L.A. bro. That's the quickest way they get you when you first move to this town. They start banging you with tickets. Really weird tickets. Then you miss one, now your car gets

towed. You go do comedy one night, you come out, your car is gone. You go down and you owe $252 for fucking one ticket you didn't pay. I got a ticket in my parking spot for my apartment. I had my landlord write-up letter saying this is his parking spot and I went in and sent it to them

and they're like, no, we still want our money. Oh, they don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a Frenchman's fuck about none. Ali, man, I'm happy I got you on. I've been thinking about just the journey you had. I wish we had three more fucking hours. We could talk to you for three more hours.

We get some in and out shipped in the Uber, that shit. Very interesting. You should be very proud of yourself and your family's proud of you. I mean, you're fucking doing it. This is no dream. I wanted to talk to you. That was the most important thing of the comments. The first two weeks after you getting sentenced, how your mind goes to a dark place.

That's how you become a savagely because you realize you don't have a life. Everything, now you start remembering everything somebody told you. Every time a teacher pulled you over and said you ain't going to make it, you're a fucking idiot. Or every time your dad said to you, hey man, you keep, that's when you realize everybody was telling you the truth. Now your mind turns into something else. your mind turns into a fucking loser Once your mind believes it You're gonna fucking believe it

And where the fuck are you You're in jail You're in jail If you were a winner You're not in fucking jail So your mind turns on you And now you have to work your mind out of that And once you get to your destination

Yeah You start taking classes You do jumping jacks But for a couple days there man Your mind goes to a weird place Like you're not going to be saved So you know what Now you're looking for a motherfucker to get in your way.

You're looking for a motherfucker to get in your way because I might as well do 30 fucking years in this shit. That's, that's, when they sentenced me to 15 years, I literally said that I wasn't probably ever coming. No, you're not going to come out. What the fuck for? And it was his first arrest, he was saying. Who?

Oh, yeah, they ain't fucking around. Wait, they're running a charity out there? What do you fucking think we're here? You think we're telling this story? Because, and it switches, Quickly, people. How quick does it come? Quick.

One minute you're in county, and it gets worse when you're in county, right? Because you think you're getting busted for one thing. And then they come back with six more. Six more. You're like, yo, that was, I got busted for one thing. What is this case in that case? That watch you had on was stolen. It was on a murdered dude who got shot in Puerto Rico with a gun from the government.

And you're like, what the fuck are you saying? The wallet you had belonged to Kennedy's bodyguard in Dallas. They got stolen at the cemetery. took two steps one way and now it's evading the rest. They put that on you. You're like, what? It is unbelievable. So your mind goes to this weird place.

And trust me, man, most of the people that stay in there for long periods of time, stay in there, brother. Your mind is the first person. Your mind is the first thing that goes to prison. Once your mind believes it, that's it. You've got to keep saying this is just a temporary thing. Like, it was just a temporary thing for me. I'm like, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

Once I hit that halfway house, I'm getting an envelope. I'm getting the fuck out of here. But in my journey, I knocked the chick up. And that's what held me back. They put me back in the halfway house. I was in there for six more fucking months. I got out. Dan, I got a, I was working at a car wash under strict supervision.

But I would talk to this dude once a week. I would talk to this dude, though. I only would once a week come in. Hey, Joe, hey, what's happening? I forget what his fucking name is. I was that. What do you want the usual? And I'd ride on his windshield and he'd give me a dollar tip.

I'd give him like a free armor roll or something. And one day he comes out and he goes, you go to school? And I go, yeah, I'm trying to finish my degree. They won't let me on campus because I got a felony. He goes, you know who I am? I go, no. He goes, I'm the district attorney at Boulder. And we started talking.

He goes, what's going on with you? And I told him about the kidnapping and stuff. And he goes, all right, do me a favor. Have your attorney type of a letter. and I'll sign it. Done. The DA that convicted me was somewhere else now.

He had gone to work for the feds and environmental and the other DA. So he was like, they're not there now. I could just sign this off. What are your plans?

I go, I'm going to move to Jersey and go work for these people. He goes, just having you. That's how I got that whole fucking spiel. I thought he cut me down by 18 months. A relationship, I made it a car wash with some dude that I spoke to

for six months before I'd ever even asked him what he did. And there was another motherfucker that came in there. That's when I learned the world to undercover cops. See, once I got out of prison, was when I got the world to undercover cops. I had a dude that would come in with cars all the time. And then they told me, they go,

what these cops do is if you're from Boulder, they don't work in Boulder. They work in Denver. And the Denver cops work Boulder. And they have these cars that they got to maintain. They got to wash. And you'd see them, they pose like regular drug dealers. One day they have a Cadillac.

The next day they got a Porsche. What would you think? Joey, how many cars you got? I got like six motherfucking cars. You ain't nothing. You're a $400 a week cop, but that's how they get you leave. Amazing. And they would talk to me.

They'd start talking to me. I told them who I was, what I was involved in. They're like, yeah, we heard of that case. And they're like, we busted the other guy one day. You know how we busted him? We took a plane with him to Miami. This motherfucker took a cop with him all the way to Florida and copped in front of the cop. And they nailed them at the fucking airport some guy was doing time with.

So it's pretty amazing the shit you meet. For you people who listen to the podcast, this was Criminal Week. I don't know if you realize that. We had Danny call in on last Thursday, and we were just covering this because a lot of people hit me up. But that's it. The whole Ali thing isn't criminal. It's a fucking success story.

And I'm proud to have you here today. Thank you. Where are you performing that the next couple weeks? I'm at the Brea Improv tonight. Then I'm at the Allenton Improv. And then after that, I'm in San Francisco. Antonio at the L-O-L-L-River Center. Man, I'm there forever, like almost a week.

What's your website? Ali-Saddyk.com. A-L-I-S-I-D-D-I-Q, and same as on my Instagram and all the rest of them things. You know, man, I thank everybody for, you know, I definitely think I already thank you. This is not happening. It has really boosted my career a lot. You know, and it was, and people want me to tell this story. at the comedy shows and I'm like this is like a real story I wasn't a bit that I was doing that's

like a real story he's like is it true like yeah pretty much this the truth you know and it's Spanish dudes that I see that I was locked up with it like you know man we did have on boots man I know the signs of things now so man it's just been a good ride and you know hopefully you know they bring me back for next season. And, you know, all your stories are great on there. I think you have to be the most, you've been on every season. It's like... This is day one.

I did the first one. Yeah. I did the first one in the back of the improv. We were on a plane together and we were taught about music. And he goes, come down and do a story. But when I got down there, I thought of a different story. Sometimes you're just there watching somebody like, oh, shit. And I told that story, and that got fucking a bunch of hits.

And it's weird. People come up to me after show and say, you didn't tell the story about Pink Floyd, man. Who's going to say that fuck? That's a one-shot deal. That you went up there and started flowing.

You got in your zone. You start throwing shit out there and it gets clicking. You can never repeat that feeling. So, just so people at home. Thank you, little brother. Let me give a shout out to the sponsors and we'll get you the fuck out of here.

Lee, how are you feeling? I'm feeling great, man. Right? You're hit tonight. The cookie would have been over fucking killed, correct? The 500 milligram Grand Browning?

I mean, it's ever a kill already, but yeah. No, no, this is a tremendous cool thing. I want to thank all our weed sponsors from my main man. I don't know what those are. Anarchy Edibles, you don't need to know. Anarchy Edibles to Korova sending us a little box. You know, but anarchy edibles, those stars of debt,

still fucking kill motherfuckers. Coast to coast as usual. Killing motherfuckers on it.com. Always killing motherfuckers, whether it's with kettlebells or fucking the ropes of debt. Battle ropes or Battle ropes or supplements Whatever the fuck you need

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I can't wait to eat edibles with you. What happened, dog? I can't wait to eat edibles with you. Oh, we're going to look this one right here. We might close up with this. This is the third hundred podcast. We might have to eat another. No, no, no, no, no.

Like, Lee is begging. We might have to eat another fucking thing. Lee. Lee's no more eating. Lee. People are at home right and I going, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee. Three hundred episode. Lee.

Eat, eat. Well, I'll tell you well, let's leave it to faith. You know, we split the quailout, or we take a bite out of the brownie. What do you think? Let's split the quailute. What do you think? And go out and fucking call Paul and tell her you got some porn. What are you trying to cause me?

I'm not going to cause me It's not like I'm going to tie you up and take pics of you and send up to Israel It's creepy as fuck it's a tiny little bottle No, this will fuck you up half of this We'll see the devil We'll give you a bicycle with a helmet So you don't get hurt What is it going to be, Lee?

Do you want him or do you want me? Because I want you, you know what I'm saying? The words of prints here. Anyway, naturebox.com Joy, what the fuck you got for me, Joe? what I got. Delicious, nutritious snacks delivered right to your fucking doorstep. And when I tell you delicious, nutritious snacks, I'm talking about cocoa bonds. I'm talking about Hawaiian plantain chips. I'm talking about the other plantain, the garlic plantain chips. I'm talking about products that are so

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Oh, shit. All right? They're also going to take over the periscope, I think. But listen, I got me on these on right now. I got the lepery ones. You want me to fucking show you? I think I got the black ones with the purple fucking stripe. That's what I'm feeling today. Black with a purple stripe. Are you kidding me? Or what? Anyway, go to meondies.com right now. Look at the great selection of women and men. Shorts, athletics wear, sweatpants. I mean, they got shit and it's comfortable as fuck. It's light. They got these cut off sweatpants that you get. I got red ones. They are so fucking comfortable. Do you understand me?

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Thank you for being here for 300 episodes. I want to thank my main man I'll leave for coming in here and fucking blessing up with some prison stories. Listen if you can't do the time, don't do the crime. Don't be a punk-ass bitch. You make a mistake, you go in, you come out and you can do whatever the fuck you want from scratch. And there'll be people

there for you. I don't know who's going to be there for. you. But trust me, it all works out. It all works out, brother. I'm going to be undies. You sold me on this underwear. Yeah, no, there's bad shit right now. Lee, shut this motherfucker down until Monday. What? We're on the core.

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