The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #301 - Bobby Slayton

Episode Date: July 20, 2015

Bobby Slayton, 40 year veteran comedian joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 07/20/15 Music:  The Distance - Cake Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Time Waits For No One - Rolling Stones

Welcome, Lisa. Yeah, it's 304, cock sucker. This podcast is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use Code Word Church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products like AlfaBrain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune, Shum Tech Sport. It's Code Word Church to get 10% off. Show is also brought to you by Hit E-Sigs. Better Tasting, Longer Lasting, The Proof is in the Vap. When you go to HitESiggs.com, they have e-cigars and e-cigarettes for you. Use Code Word Joey's Church to get five hit E-Sigs for $50.

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Oh shit. It's Lee Syed's birthday. Engines, pumping and thumping in time. You kidding me or what? Churning and burning, they yearn for the cup. They deftly maneuver and muscle for rank. July 20th. 42 years ago, Bruce Lee dies.

Poundernerch. As they speed through the finish, the flags go down. The fans get home. Churchill's what's happening now. My earphones are out. Yeah, mine is that too. Still driving and striving as fast as they can. There you go, brother.

There you go. It's a beautiful day to be alive, Coxuckers. Bobby Slate and Lee Syatt. Buddy! Kick it, kick it, kick it, kick it, he goes. Oh shit. Oh, shit. She's all alone.

All alone. What's happening, Coxucker? Happy birthday. Thank you very much, and thank you to everybody who wrote to me. How old are you today? I'm 27. 20, fucking seven years old. What were you doing when you were 27 years?

Could you shut your cell phone off first? Do you know who that is? That's the third of my Jew circle. That's Ari Shafir. That's the third. So see, I'm telling you, I'm Jewish and spirit. By the way, an Ari Shafir show. Yo, I got my man Bobby Slayton in the studio.

I'll call you when I get out of. Wait, wait, wait. This is a fucking Jewish. Wait, wait, wait, wait. This is a Jewish fucking reunion here. Ask, will you ask him a question while I'm here? I'll ask him right now. Ask him why he's never had me on his...

How come he's never had you on the storyteller show? Bobby Slatin. All right. He set the showcase on July 18th in the belly room. I'll call you when I get out of here, Cocks a second. No, I'm doing August 18th. Right, I'll call you later. Maybe I should leave my phone on and kiss my wife calls. Maybe you need something from Ralph's on my way home.

I'm sorry. I fucked up. Maybe she needs to milk. Well, you know, I walk in it out. I was very excited about doing your show and I still am, by the way. I know you. And by the way, you could not have it in a more, in a perfect place for Joey Diaz to Cuban. I come in here, you're above a chop shop shop. There were these clandestine little offices next door where the hookers and

God is what people do with these offices But I don't even care No names, no numbers on the doors I love this here Musugna Interprises It's like Hollywood Babylon It's a day of the locust This is it why listen

We were gonna get a fucking office somewhere Remember it was like 1,200 a month A look and a view And then people know who the fuck you want And when you producer the boy wonder And you said to me You look when you pull up You know there's no parking in front

Let me let my producer come out to get you The birthday boy And then he pulls me around back We're going to this gate thing with stolen cars and it really felt like it's getting set up. It's like a Miami Vice Stigis. It's fucking tremendous. I give you the full fucking ambiance, Bobby Slate. Then I walk

in here, give me the shittiest popcorn, that pot, popcorn. That's 350 fucking moment. That's great popcorn. If you like pot, I'm not a big pot guy or a popcorn. Carova makes a medical cannabis fucking white cheddar popcorn. I'm talking you, I haven't eaten edible in like a week. I'm fucked up. You know. Have you really not? Yes, it's

last Wednesday. I don't think I ain't. What have you been doing? I ain't more of it. Smoking dough. Fucking around. You know, it's funny. I know that, you know, Ari Shafirir I knew you, Rogan, that you guys love pot. You guys love pot the way that when I was in high school, I loved pot. Something happened over the years, and I've talked to the people. Bill Maher loves pot. When I was in high school, I think it was 14 years old, 1969.

That's when I first got turned on to marijuana. And it was, you know, the end of the big hippie era, but it was still marijuana. I mean, it's like an illicit thing. You're 14. And by the time I was 15 or 16, I couldn't get through a day of school. Godfrey would go to a Yankee game or a concert at the Academy of Music. I mean, they had to go to a movie without pot, making it through a hole. I mean, I would scrape resin. Remember doing that? Scrib resin out of a, out of a hash pipe.

Oh, I did all that. Smoke seeds and stems of anything to even simulate getting high. And then all of a sudden, when I hit my early 20s, and Blow took over from there. And alcohol, I mean, I always liked those things, but for some reason, pot, you know, my body started making me really paranoid. I know everybody, you guys smoke it, relax you. I said to get nip tight, thinking about all my problems, would stuff up my sinuses. Unlike Blow, because my body works in mysterious ways, I'd do a line, I'd relax. Maybe it's like Ritalin for a hyperalitis. of ADD, you know, kid, but it would clear my son. It would be the exact opposite, what pot should be doing to me, Coke did for me.

So every, but once in every six months, I decide, I'm hanging in with a guy like you, or, you know, I'm in Montreal, Ari Shapiro, and I'll take you hit a pot. You go, well, maybe, maybe this is a better pot than what I had. Maybe I've changed. Wait, like, a little kid, why I used to hate broccoli in Brussels sprouts, made me to be a whole awakening now. I love pot and Brussels sprouts.

And I'd smoke a joint, or my daughter's boyfriend would come over, and I realized that now the pot, when we thought we were getting Great stuff back in the old day. The Pecos, Acapulco Gold, that's garbage compared to what they're making now. So all you need is ahead of that shit, as you know, and you are fucking flying. Flying, man. They had Acapulco Gold at the weed store where I go. Yeah.

I go, what is that? Because it was expensive weed for that store. Right. And I go, let me see that. It smelled like dick. People have no idea. Panama Red. Panama Red.

That was a big early 70s. Peacost. You know, and of course, Tystick, which is the state of the artist now again. See, I don't know. remember Pecos. I came around when it was like, uh, it wasn't around, regular weed. And then, I had a buddy used to get gold weed. Right.

And we paid a nickel bag back back then. But for gold weed, it was like 20 bucks a bag. You paid 20 bucks a bag. And that was just a fortune people don't understand. Oh my God. How much money that was seedy? Yeah. And you'd only get like four joints, but oh my God. Did names actually mean something when they were dealers? Yes. Alapapagal gold. It was gone. It was red. It was red. It was reddish brown

weed that fucked you up. And then you had tie stick, which was a weed that was put on a stick. and it was rolled with a twine. Right. And you can smell it from a mile away. Oh, Jesus. Now you can smell from 10 miles away, and it's twice as good as that stuff.

I remember, like, how the, you know, I was like 16, I smoked regular stuff. And then a buddy of mine that worked at Levy's sporting goods used to get chocolate tieweed. And we used to call it chocolate traumatized. Because it would traumatize. It really would. You forgot shit.

You lost your money. And then I had another, I had a teacher in high school who was in charge of building the sets for players. Yeah. And if you were part of that, they gave you 15 credits per school year, because you worked on with your hands and built shit. It's a lot of credits.

But at the time, that dumb motherfucker was getting orders from people, and he would get weeds sent up from Hawaii. And again, we were paying $5. Gold was $20. This shit was like $35. Right, right, right. And it was tremendous. You know, the first time I tried the real pharmaceutical stuff

and went into one of those places, Because as you know, you can't go back there and look at the goods unless you have a prescription. So a couple of years ago, two, three years ago, my wife had shingles, which I hear now is the most painful, horrible thing. And she tried everything. And she tried every kind of painkiller. She tried everything. Everybody would recommend, oh, take this and try the homeopathic and try the, nothing more. So a friend of mine said, listen, you know, I hear if you get some hash oil, they make it kind now.

A friend of mine had shingles. You get this hash oil. Doesn't get you high because there are different strains. CBDs. Which I still get, you get the sativa. You get the indiginal. Yeah, and I never knew how that worked. But I guess it's like how Advil and Esper knows my part of the body to go to.

Like, oh, Paul Reiser bit I'm doing it. Anyway, so I take her down. She gets a prescription, which is so easy to get. And so she goes in, the guy gives her some oil, goes, you're not getting in high from this. Because my wife's like me. She doesn't really like what it does to her. And she took some of the oil and just a couple of drops. And it didn't really help her much, but she got stoned out of her mind for two days and hated it.

I go, what a pussy. Let me try this stuff. And I tried it. And you know what? I got a little buzz, but it wasn't really. I didn't like it at all either. About a month ago, I'm in Denver. You know, Colorado, where anybody could walk in like a candy store and go buy something.

And I said, you know, even though I don't smoke this anymore, I got to go. Go in. I got to go in. I got to go in. I got to get some for all times' sake. And I went in and I said to the guy, look, I don't really like getting stoned anymore. I explained to him everything I just told you. But I hear that there's, you know, a strain you can buy, the indigo, whatever,

indica. And I said, you can get it. I said, I like to relax because I get the metabolism of a hummingbird. So for $15, you go, smoke one of these, because you probably don't even need the whole thing. It'll relax you. It'll be great. So I go back to my hotel, and I lit the joint, and I took a couple of hits and nothing happened.

And it took a couple of more hits. And I go, well, okay, I'm a little relaxed. And then I thought, you know what, this is not good. This is like my, you know, cutting the hair of Samson. This is like throwing water on the wicked witch. If I start to relax, my comedy jobs will be gone. You know, I won't get mad at somebody that doesn't make a right turn on the red light. I won't be pissed to people.

And I said, you know what? Vodka will do the same. thing. I don't need this shit. I should have brought it for you because you probably could. Next time I come to do your podcast next year. By the way, let me tell you something else. You've been doing this for a year here and now you finally have me on? No, we talked a couple months ago and you said you were leaving after

before the stones we spoke and you said you were leaving. For six weeks you leave on Wednesday. So the other day when I got the call to audition I saw Barry Levinson. Let me call this guy but I forgot to tell you on the phone that day. It all worked out. You were in town. Usually you leave on Mondays. The Tuesday, you have a fucked-up schedule.

You know, I'm always here now. Now that I'm doing so great so far, the first 10 minutes, I'll be a regular. I've invited myself to become a regular. Now, do you have a lot of work now, Bobby? Are you still going out every week? Hey, Joey, Joey, Joey. You know, it's brutal out there if you're not on television. You know that.

Well, you know, what it's like we've talked about that's so many time. And it doesn't matter how funny you are. If you're not putting asses in the seats, you know? And it's tough now because, look, I just turned 60 years old. And yes, I know how great I look. Your birthday boy, what are you, 27? You look like you have AIDS and cancer and Ebola and shingles and you just came back all at once. You look horrible.

You were born when he was 33 years old. You were imagine that. You were born, I think I just got married at 33. I was 32. My wife is 33, which in a way seems like a lifetime ago and in a way it seems like yesterday. You know what I mean? You have a 27-year-old daughter. 27-year-old daughter.

And we married for 27, 28 years. Coincidence, perhaps. And that was kind of a, you know, my wife got pregnant. And I said, she didn't really want to have an abortion. And we didn't really want to have a kid. You know, it's one of those things where we look, I think I said to her, look, we're going to get married anyway. We're going to have a kid someday. And abortion is a horrible thing, you know.

So let's just have the kid, you know, let's just get married and we did it. And I wish we didn't do it. We had the abortion. I'd be happy right now. But I have to, I need a drink. No, but, you know, things are with, no, it worked out fine. You're very tight with your daughter. Not as tight as I used to be, you know.

How does it feel not to be as tight now? You know, it's tough. You know, I mean, you'll see when your kid grows up. I see it now. She's two and a half and she throws me out of her fucking room. Yeah. No, she doesn't. She does.

But if she do. Daddy bye-bye. You know, you know. Daddy bye-bye. She'll come get me, sit with me, make me sit and watch a couple of those fucking Halloween. It's Halloween night. Not a soul in sight. I hear footsteps.

Who's that coming? I watch like 10 of those And then she'll tell me to get up And there's a pillow I lay on She takes the pillow and puts her in her fucking crib She goes over herself And she goes, Daddy, bye-bye My wife picks her up

And then I'll come in 10 minutes later And I ask her for a kiss And sometimes she'll give it to me And sometimes she'll go, bye-bye Get the fuck out of my room Well, that's just the brood That's a woman. It just eats you up alive

But another time she comes And gets me by the finger Come And she's pulling me She goes pull him she goes pull pull so you know what i bet you're seeing it is i don't mean to do material on your show but i did turn it into a bit because it's absolutely true and i see it more than ever i see it all the time it's when your kid does something really fucked up your wife will say i'm sure you get where do you

think she gets that from where do you think she gets that language from where do you think she gets this but anytime the kid anybody compliments the kid that guy she got my looks and my brains you the women can't wait to take credit for everything the kid does this is right when the kid does something screwed up She's very selfish. What do you think she gets that from? You know, it's always your fault as a father. And it's where they kid does something right, you know. My daughter, I'm not making it something.

I think she had a speeding ticket when she was 16. She had her driver's license for a week. My wife says to me, that's from your side of the family. I go, it's not diabetes. It's a speeding ticket. It doesn't run to my family, but they can't wait to put the blame on you, you know, for everything. And that's somebody. Because I remember when I used to go to the house, you were very tight with her.

You know, I could see that you're in her world. You know, she was 20 and she would giggle. and we would talk about anything in front of her. Yeah. Don't she's not like that? I mean, that's what a kid, I want to talk about anything in front of her. Right.

I just don't want to go to daycare and say, suck my dick at this point at three years old. I can't have my daughter saying it. You know, my daughter, when she was little, I would love to watch my show, but she'd sit in the back room with a babysitter. Maybe when she was seven or eight,

she could sit by herself with a coloring book. But, you know, she'd hear things, or she'd sneak out and listen for a minute. And, you know, how come Mommy's a picture? you know, maybe worse. I came out to use a bathroom, Daddy, and I heard you say to me, but you know what? And then people would say to me, aren't you embarrassed and isn't it sad that your daughter can't see your act? No, not at all, because I remember Steven Spielberg, Jurassic Park came out.

His kid was like eight or nine. And he said I would let my kids see the movie. You know, just because you have a kid doesn't mean you should be able to let them see whatever you do because there's certain things that are made for adults, you know. I really don't want her to know. I do stand up until she hits a certain. That I can see. That's an embarrassment.

I don't want her to know at all. There'd be no way for you to, like, if you were going to be like, okay, I have to do something that mercy could watch. You'd have to change your entire way you do stand up. Why would you not? I don't want her to know I'd do stand up. Why is that? Just something until she's, until she understands what the whole concept is. Right.

You know, until she understands the concept. I was, you know, Bobby Slate and people like you and I would, when we were 10, we were already 20. Right. And we blew, you look back and, you know, I didn't play fucking operation. Right. I tell you, my wife played battleship so I could learn how to play fucking battleship. Because at 10, I was running numbers.

I didn't have time for fucking battleship. You know, I knew what fucking was. I knew what sucking was. I knew what cocaine was. And it was great. It was great. My mother raised me so nobody could pull the blanket on my eyes. But it took away my childhood.

You know, it's funny because you mentioned you and I, and I got to, you know, and I always seem, because people always, I was born in the Bronx, but a group of Westchester with the rich Jews. Okay. I got to say that when I was 10, I wasn't, I led a show.

sheltered, you know, going to get bar mitzvahed. I'm not saying I liked any of this. You know, played Little League after school. By the time I was maybe 16 or 17, because I wasn't a street kid, and I wasn't grown up the Bronx, and I played on a manicured lawn, and I didn't play stickball in the Bronx. But, you know, by the time I was 16 or 17, and when I finally 18, and I moved out to California, I mean, it took me a while, you know, there were a lot of kids, a lot of comics if you're watching, and you could tell the guys that came from a background where they

did stuff. You know, I didn't do stuff as early as you. I wasn't running the numbers at 10, but I was run away from home at 14. I was smoking dope and, you know, doing coke at 15. I mean, but not that makes you into a man, but it was going to, Yankee Stadium when I was 11. I was on the subway. I was doing stuff. But there were a lot of kids, and you know,

and you can see this in certain comedians. They didn't have, they had the nice childhood and they played college football, and they married their high school sweetheart, and, you know, they didn't smoke dope till 30. They still like Journey. They're fucking assholes anymore. Whatever. I'm just saying you can see the guys that were really the collegiate, straight ass, no soul in their stand-up, because they don't have the old souls.

My daughter was one of those kids. You know, you try to raise them. So by the time she was seven, eight years old, she knew who the Supremes were. She knew the difference between Rodney Spector and, you know, maybe, you know, darling love. Not that that makes any different. When I was seven, I was listening to the funny all-stars. Right. When I was seven, I was listening to adult fucking music.

I would go to kids' house and they would listen to the. fucking chipmunks. And I go, what the fuck are you listening to the chipmunks? And I go, what? You don't have James Brown. You see, I was listening to that. That's why I took a couple extra years to say, I got to get I got to put that shit behind me.

So when I was about 17, I started doing the catch-up. I said, I've got to get to the Apollo Theater in New York. You know, I got to, my mother wouldn't let me go to Woodstock. I got to try to see Hendricks. I got to make up, I was listening to the chipmunks at 10. But you also took it to the punchline at 8. And that showed her.

that different world. Oh, absolutely. And that's, I'm, like some, my wife, we were talking, and she goes, so let me ask you this, would you take mercy to 130 5th Street when she was 7 and let her play with her godmother in the street? I don't know. Yeah, you don't know.

I don't know. Right. If, back in 1973, when everybody connected on the block, everybody was Puerto Rican and they all worked together. I hate that mix fuck. I hate those Jews. But at the end of the day, your kid played with my kid would play with his kid. So we had to like each other. So if your kid was walking with my kid, even though I didn't like fucking Jews, I still waved at your boy.

Right, right, right. Absolutely. So, yeah, in 1973, I leave Mercy and go, Mercer. I'm going to pick you up at four. Play with these girls here on the sidewalk. I want you to see what a junkie looks like. Now you can't, I don't think. You know what?

I remember Howard Stern giving me shit when, what reason you never have me back on the show anymore. When my daughter got it to show business, okay, that's a touchy thing that parents don't, I mean, if you saw right now that your little girl, was like a Shirley Temple, which every parent thinks her kid is. If you saw this incredible talent, you knew a little girl, and she was tap dance like Sammy Davis at four, and she was singing, and would you? And she said, Daddy, I really want to be an actress.

Would you let her do it at five, six years old? Would you take her to an audition and see how it worked out? Because you know what? I did that. I did it, and it worked out fine for me, because my daughter, you know, you always hear about the cases of the kids who become these little drug addicts and these old prima donnas, these little Lindsay Lohan. They're a fucking train wreck by the time they're 18.

But you've got to remember something. There's hundreds of kids that got into showbiz. The Ronnie Howard's or the kids that said, you know what? I saved them money for college. I wouldn't even become a doctor or an architect. There's those kids too. But it's almost like Fourth of July weekend.

You only hear about the people that slipped in the bathtub because they were drunk and got into a boating accident. You know, you heard about the 10,000 people that took a boat out on the lake and had a barbecue and had a nice time. I was in bed by 11. It's all about the parents. Like, I've heard stories.

The college I go to has an L.A. program out here and they all live in an apartment complex called the Oak Woods. Oh yeah. That's a big. Temporary housing. They all do that, yeah. So apparently there's just these families of people who go and stay in places like that, like temporary housing and are just taking their kids around from

audition to audition. It's horrendous. I didn't want to be an actor at all, but like let's say I did and my parents were my parents out here I wouldn't have been doing coke, I don't think, or I don't think I would have turned into a child star, but I think if you're the type of parent who's going to

uproot your kid for six months for pilot season, then maybe the issue. We saw that a lot. When my daughter was little, okay, she had this, seemed like she wanted it. You know, she was a clown and a show-off. You look at my home movies when I was two. I'm doing the twist and pulling down my pants

and pushing my brother out of the camera so my father could do the eight-millimeter movies. So when my daughter was about two or three, we got in one of the top agents here in the valley, and I knew the woman for a long time, and Natasha was very precocious and beautiful. My wife takes her on a Coke commercial, and she got a call back immediately.

And what's going through my head? Not money for me. I'm not one of those parents, but not that Jackie Coogan thing. But I'm thinking, you know what? She'll have money for college. She'll have the freedom to do something, unlike me, who's trapped in this business because I had no money. So she went back for the second audition, and she grabbed my wife's legs and goes, I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it. That was the end of it.

That was the end of it. And I don't know if I ever told this story. She's nine years old, and Tom Arnold is doing a show on the WB Network at Universal Studios. And it was... Jackie. Jackie. No, he had a show called The Tom Cruise. Tom Ardle show. I think it was the second show. Ed McMahon was on it. Michael Rosenblum,

or Michael Rosenberg went on to play Superboy or Lex Luthorne in the Superman show. Gene Simmons' wife, what's the name? She was in it. Shannon Tweed. Anyway, there were two little girls on the show and Natasha would come to the set. You know, Friday, we shoot the show. And she'd come to all the tapings. And she would love to go to the tapings at Universal Studios. And she would hang out with these little girls. She said, Daddy, I got to try this again. I want to be a showbiz. I want to be an actress. And I said to my wife, let's give it her try. She's not going to get anything. She's going to find out how frustrating this is. It'll give her some moral backbone. It'll give her, you know, the rejection, whatever. And this is a good thing. It's a good lesson in life.

And if she does get something, more power to her. Let's see how it works out. And my wife had some trepidation about this, but I took her an audition. Her third edition. She had a 15 animated series called Lion Hearts with Perry Gilpin and Macy. Bill Macy, what's the name? Yeah. And she gets that. She does the animated show. About a month later, she gets a series on ABC called Brothers Keeper. They brought her back for seven auditions because they go, wait a second, we can't give this

kid. She doesn't have any credits. She doesn't know what she's doing, but she was perfect for this part. It was like it was written for my daughter. Seven auditions. And she went back, she went for the network. She read for the producer. She read for everybody. You know what a grind it can be. It's a fucking ballbuster. I don't want to put her through this, but she didn't seem like she really

cared that much. You know what I mean? So she goes out. She matured. She had matured. She had matured. It's a different game. She matured. And it wasn't a desperation. And we weren't those Oakwood parents who uprooted the kids from Kansas City. Because you better get this. You might be good. We're going to go back to Kansas. You know, we think she gets it.

She got the part on a series. She became a series regular. But this is the kicker. When her series got on, the Tom Arnold show gets canceled. Her show goes in the exact same soundstage at Universal Studios that the Tom Arnold show was. Now, I was only a recurring character. So I was on maybe five episodes out of the year. So my dressing room was one of those little portable toilets in the parking

with the cleaning women, the janitorial supplies, and the extras. I had to walk a mile and take the fucking tram to get. She, because she's a regular on the show, a giant parking space adjacent to the set with a shower, a parking space with her name on it, she's nine. Now, when I'm talking about, you know, the fact that she didn't have an attitude, she gets a show, she's getting whatever a kid's getting back then, 10 grand a week, which is, God knows a lot of money. And she didn't tell anybody.

She went to school, and when she was a good, she went, when they were working, She had a teacher on the set and they said, your daughter's so nice, she's so kind, she does her homework, she did her lines, and people would say to me, how long did your daughter-abiding showbiz? I go, a week, but she'd go

to school and very few of her friends. They knew she was on a show. She didn't make a big deal about it, her friends didn't make a big deal about it, she didn't tell anybody. So, I mean, if that's the way your kid can go through showbiz, now, like, I'm better than you,

my shit doesn't stink, you know, I'm a star, there was none of that. And if there was, I like to think my wife and I would have pulled her from the, or at least stolen her money. Well, I'm going to tell you my reasons.

I'm sick and tired of going anywhere in Studio City, which I'm pardoned the French. I'm going to explain something to you about Studio City residents. I'm pardon the French, they're white fucking niggers. Okay? They're white niggers. There's no money in Studio City, but in their mind... You don't like saying white?

No, no, no, no. Oh, it's a nigger partner, okay, sorry. And I don't mean that. That's just an expression. You hear the dragon, they call them yellow niggers. Remember when he goes, I can't believe behind our back. They call us yellow niggers.

So, these are people, listen, when you go to Beverly Hills and you go to, what's the street, I got to go down your block to go to your house. Oh, Beverly, Beverly Glen. And you see those houses. That's the money. Those are the people that have been directors for 50 fucking years. Or there are Arabs that moved in. In Malibu, you know, Charlie Sheens and where the Superboy lives. Right.

You know, close to where Rogan lives. Right. I mean, Rogan lives up there. And you go down, those are people in this town that have money. Studio City is a place that's very gluten-furt. free. People who have been on a CV series.

I like it. I like it too. It's very genteel. But here's what I don't like about it. It's extra way. That I go to get coffee and there's a woman who pulls up in double parks.

Doesn't let nobody in. Nobody out in double parks a couple who's 20 ahead of her. She's in there with her yoga pants. She's talking loud. Right. You know, and you look at that lady and go her husband's never smacked

her in the fucking mouth one time or called her a fucking cunt. That's why she's acting this way. And the husband's probably banging his receptionist in the office. He just gives his wife money and tell us it, yeah, do what the fuck you want, because I'm getting my dick sucked anyway.

I don't like, this is why I don't want to tell my daughter what I do. I went to a, everybody has a weird attitude when their husbands or their dads or somebody's involved in show business. You were very lucky because your daughter didn't have that. Well, she grew up watching me, and my wife and I were always, I was always very professional about it,

and I never, maybe because I didn't be trying to start, but they never... People are fucking pukes out here. Yeah. They're fucking pukees. in Studio City. So I go to do an audition on Ventura years ago. Still is. There's a thing right here. So I love it because it's near my house.

It's nothing better than an audition in the valley. In the valley. You're talking about you're doing your radio show, a bump, shop, shop in the valley. I go, this is the best thing ever. The valley's the best. But I'm on Ventura Boulevard way in Studio City, way before you hit Laurel Canyon.

This is an auditioning place, and it's huge. Well, this is a rare day in that way. This has to be 15 years ago, 10 years ago. It's raining cats. and dogs in LA. It's been raining all fucking day. My audition's 4.15. I walk in there, Bobby Slayton.

The place is fucking packed. All right. People are drenched. People have nowhere to stand. They got six audition rooms. All of them are packed. You know, in the summer, you could stand outside. But here it's poor.

And you've got to stand inside. I get the shakes. Just listen to you. All of a sudden, there's a little girl, cute little Asian girl. Maybe 10. Now, here's all these people standing like,

fucking immigrants getting shipped somewhere, you know, on a ship, just stand there staring at each other, like a subway in New York in the morning. But here's his little girl and her fucking mother with a space, maybe 10 by 8, with all her headshots on the floor. And the mother's going, well, you have to pick it. And she's like, I don't know. And people are looking at, and I'm looking at this girl, and I don't know who to feel worse for. The girl or her mother, they both needed the fucking smack. Right. And this is why, Lee, I don't want to.

When I did kicking it, all those moms, it was a different game. It wasn't about the kid, Lee. It was about the mom on shooting day, the fake tits and the fur and how they just move the hoboken and say, I'm sorry to interrupt you.

We'll be saying. And I was thinking about it when, Bobby, I grew up in a town kind of like yours. And, like, the only difference between us is the way we grew up at all, at all. So like the kid, the same kid there with the mom and you and me and Bobby were all the same as like a baby.

So it's all parenting. I was thinking about it today because I was, my mom sent me a bunch of gifts and they're all wrapped inside the box and she called this thing, happy birthday. So I was like, I was just thinking about what it actually takes to be a parent. And there are a lot of people like that in Studio City and I think everywhere. And I think they don't, like that woman probably didn't even realize what she was doing. It never even entered her head. Well, you know what? A lot of these parents lived through their children

because they want to be a show business. Pistol Pete Marevitt style. When we were kids, Pistol Pete's father used to beat them and put them in the garage and tie them up if he didn't score four. Tiger Woods' father, you know. Is it true? I don't know. He made him play golf.

But a lot of parents, you know, who either were athletes or actors, but I don't know how many of them, but a lot of them never became anything. But you see more of those stage mothers. And that's the one thing my wife and I hated. I didn't mind taking Natasha to an addition. Teddy usually did it, my wife.

But if she was working, I'd be more than having to take my daughter. And I'd wait outside because of those horrible, horrible parents who basically, you know, with the people you're talking about. Let's get something straight, guys. Let's get something very fucking straight. Because ever since I've had my daughter, I've been thinking about this. I don't know if you guys know this. I'm not ashamed to say this.

From zero to 15, I lived a spoiled kid, Bobby Slate. I want you to know that. I want you to know that I was born with a silver fucking spoon in my mouth My mom gave me whatever I wanted You cute me, you born with a silver fish in your mouth Whatever the fuck it was You know, once my dad died

My mom felt worse for me So whatever I wanted I got But my mom knew how to turn the heat up Right Where other mothers just don't know how to turn the heat up You know, I was at the fucking mall yesterday And I told Lee, this is how mad I was I called Lee on his fucking birthday

And I go, Lee, I just saw something that really bothered me. And she wasn't Mexican. She wasn't Russian. She wasn't none. She was fucking white. White nigger? No. She was white. Just very white. She was a girl. She had to be 17. She had to be tipping the scales. Had a mere three and a quarter. And this girl had a pretty face. But from the ways down, I mean, she turned around and her ass didn't even look like an ass that was fat. it looked like an elephant's ass at the circus like from behind it was just mushed up and her feet

were worst in mind and Bobby it's not even funny she was 17 but in all this appearance she took the time to get a nose ring that was like a fucking African in those magazines when we were kids and we work off with the black women from Africa

you know and a parent is and I told somebody and they go your parent can't tell you that anymore if I walked in my mom We go, can I talk to you for a second? Go take a look at your ass. And ask yourself if that fucking horn that you put in your nose is going to help your situation.

That just makes you cool to attract other people that'll say the horn is fucking cute. I was growing up. My mom would go, can I talk to you for a second? Are you a fucking retard? Take that thing out of your nose and get your ass to the fucking gym. I'm getting rid of all the fucking sodas.

I'm getting, you know. Yeah, but there's two things you got to remember. Number one is she might not have a mother. That was her mother. And, oh, that was. That was her mother with her. Oh, okay. They were together on the elevator.

Okay. And it broke my heart. That's parenting, guys. Yeah. That's preventing parenting. You got to look at your kid and go, I got to stop with the cookies. And the soprano, seventh season, didn't the mother tell the kid put the schnapple back in the refrigerator? Yeah.

Okay. You know, this wasn't, I don't think this is allowed anymore. There's a way to keep your child grounded in this business. They don't always listen, man, you know? They don't listen to you. And you'll find that out. You know, they do what they want. to do. I did what I wanted to do, and you did what you wanted to do. If your mother said you

don't smoke pot anymore, lose weight, whatever, a lot of times, that's why we all grow our hair long. I hate your hair like that. What are you, a beetle? And you just... No, I didn't. I wasn't allowed to grow my hair. Neither was I. I wasn't allowed to have earrings. I was not in my mother's world, if you put an earring on you, were a faggot. And in my mother's world, since I was an only child and my dad died, this would have been the biggest slap in her face. I'm not putting down gay people who listened to the show. I'm just telling you in her world. she would stress it on a fucking daily

like I will fucking kill you like I will fucking kill you she was telling me stories about in Cuba how gay kids their parents would take them shark hunting and throw them off the boat and I would fucking sit there and go what are you talking about? I told you guys the story about my mom

when I put a scarf on in the wintertime I remember living on dog I grew up on Riverside Drive Robbie Sladen then we moved to 205 West 88 Street Which is beautiful now and then after 73 No it's not somebody sent me a picture of Twitter

Oh, they're on 88? West 98? Does it still smells like my dick on that block? That's something he wrote. But then we moved to North Bergen, which at that time in 1973, North Bergen, New Jersey was still considered New York City. That's where people lived when you made money. Right. When you lived in New York, what would you tell this?

Oh, we moved to Jersey. Oh, my God, where North Bergen? Next to Ho-Bogne was a dump then. Jersey City was a, no, Hoboken. Well, for Gentiles, they drink coffee, and they go down there. To me, I go to Hoboken, and I see what it used to be. A beautiful, beautiful. old school neighborhood.

Still a couple of great Italian restaurants here too. That will never, ever come back. I've been to 10 million cities in my life and 10 million towns. And the love, I used to go to a whole, I get goosebumps. I had a place on 9th in Washington guys that I fucking ran. You understand me? And not as a 20-year-old, not as a gangster, as a fucking 10-year-old. My friend's dad on Mr. Big Sandwiches.

They had it since the 50s guy. Don't fucking tell me. And we go down there, we'd help him with sheetrock up the hill because he bought the building. The Bender's bought the building in Hoboken, in the early 70s. You know what that father sold that for? I can't imagine. You could just say, he bought the whole block in the 70s.

So his father used to say, you want a job? Come to my fucking place. And in those days, we used to carry four by eight as sheetrock. They sell it in four by eight sheets. We used to carry four by 12 upstairs. As 10-year-olds in the summer, Mr. Bender would give us. 25 fucking bucks. But it wasn't even about the 25 bucks.

It was about the Italian hero he would make us. And while we were eating the sandwich, you'd tell us about growing up with Sinatra and how this is where this guy got shot down the corner. He got three bucks down the corner. And he wasn't even Italian. He was Lutheranian. Do you understand me? Yeah, you know, there's still neighborhoods like that in the Bronx. I still go back to the Bronx.

I go to New York at least a couple times a year. I'll go to the Bronx. I have still some favorite pizza places. I see the around. I see the pictures. Yeah, you see. I go to the... Well, you know, born of the East Bronx, Bronx Park East, right by the Botanical Gardens and the Bronx Zoo. And there's still some really nice neighborhoods to go to Arthur Avenue. It's still Italian, although the Armenians are probably more Armenians than Italians, but the neighborhood's still there, the neighborhood field. And you still have some of the old people whose sons have inherited the little house.

Remember the movie 29th Street with Danny A. L.O.? You have your little white picket fence. You have your statue out front, the Virgin Mary, Jesus. You have your little lawn. It's yours. And you hand it down to your kids. A lot of the people have moved away from that. But I just went to the West Bronx

and I went to Ernie, Louis and Ernie's for Pizza and you still have those neighborhoods where the cops still live and the firefighters are blue collar people, there's still some grandmothers around, you know, still the mob guys, whoever's left, they still live there, their mothers live there, their sisters live there. And you see, not so much in little Italy in New York, but you have

that kind of feel. The Bronx, you know, the South Bronx is still shit, Fort Apache. You know, they've never been able to fix that. Is it still shitty? I haven't been there. But, I mean, there are parts of the Bronx. Everything's gotten gentrified and things You know, I just went to Harlem with my wife. And, you know, it's still Harlem.

There are still blocks that I didn't walk down, but there's some of it that a lot of, you know, gays have moved in, white people have moved in, upscale blacks. Still some great restaurants. You know, you know, Clinton at his office here right by the Apollo Theater for a long time. I heard that. So they've changed a lot of places. Hoboken got flooded so bad after Katrina. Got a lot of people.

Oh, you mean, I have to Sand. I'm sorry, Katrina, Jesus Christ. And that, uh... That's how bad it was in New Orleans. It got him in Jersey. It got him in Jersey. That's how bad that Katrina was. So a bunch of neighborhoods have opened up that would never in Brooklyn.

Like they say Brooklyn is completely different except Karnarsie's the same. Right. Canarsie is not changed. It's a dump. William's Berg used to be the most dangerous place in the world when I was a kid, you know, in the 50s. Williamburg. And then the Hussita moved in and now it's all, you know, you're lucky if De Niro could afford a place. I remember in the early 90s, the Haseed Jews went to war with the blacks.

I mean, went to war. Lee, war. The Hussis were like, fuck you. This is our fucking neighborhood. You want to fucking get rough, cossack? We invented fucking rough. And they got down. There was something going on in New York.

The cops had a show a couple times. Like a street battle? Yeah, the Hsies don't fuck around up there. They've been there since Jesus left Chicago. They're not giving up none of that stuff. They don't fight. They hired Italian. They're not going to say about that.

It's hilarious. It's hilarious. They're hired them. They're bringing the Puerto Ricans. They have diamonds. They trade you. One of the greatest voice messages I have ever had to this day was the one you left me on Christmas, inviting me to your home, wishing me a Merry Christmas.

But you're not probably picking up the phone because probably you're back with your family in the Bronx and some two-bedroom tenement with 20 Puerto Ricans living there. I was listening to this Bobby Slate and fucking Howard. But no, I came out crazy after my mom died. You know, I'm not going to lie to you guys. You just don't become crazy. I had the crazy already in me. I just needed a little fucking push.

but it goes to show you that I went from being a very spoiled kid I mean all my life I had a refrigerator I had a I'm sorry I had an air condition in my room you know I still remember I still remember going to my mom and going I want HBO because the groove tube was coming on and a tit was yeah groove tube and I told my mom I put it together for a fucking thing I came out well I talked my mom and to throw him my stepdad out I was the final push that said you gotta get rid of this guy and then she broke his head and then she goes I'm taking your advice he's gone I know and I did that to take that

advantage because I had it by the walls. I could tell my mom whatever I wanted guys. You know, like I said, I got left back in the seventh grade and sophomore year in high school she still didn't know I had left back. I could tell my mom whatever I want. Was that something I was proud of? No, I loved my mom. I listened to my mom. I respected my mom. She beat the fuck out of me. She spoiled me. But like I said, she chased me with a bounty roll on fire. She hit me with a stick. She showed up at my friend's house. I was going to jump the pool and beat me up. My mom wasn't no, you know, now Johnny

come late. You had two days ago, I called the buddy mine. I was looking at the date. It was July 17th. You ever sit there and go, something happened, July 17th? You ever sit there and go, what the fuck happened in my life, July 17? Yeah. And I called my buddy and I go, you know what happened to July 17th?

I was in love with this girl, Lisa had, for three years, Bobby Slate. And one day, this dumb bitch had a bar. We were just goofing around, and I looked at it. And I go, you know, maybe? And she looked at me, and she looked at me straight in the phrase Bobby Slayton sophomore year and said I will never ever date you you're

too close of a friend you know what telling me never never never means I'm going to work extra hard it took me three years and like two weeks after we graduated high school I finally nailed I got some blow and we went back to a house and I knew the date I was like this I'm going to save this

in my mind this is how crazy I am wow because I waited three years to bang her three years I worked this little onion three fucking years. No for a date, nothing. And one day we were having a conversation. I said, let's go out for dinner. She agreed. I took it to Piccolissimo.

The Monday night was lobster-fra-dial Diablo Night for 1695. Fort Lee. Are you kidding me or what? Do you remember that date? I took it to the back of the Binghamton where there used to be a movie theater. It was a boat. The Binghamton boat, you went on and they served your dinner and you sat on the boat, but there was also

two movie theaters back there. I saw 48 hours back there. I saw a ton of movies back there as a kid. I took her back there, I had a package. I had like an eight ball of blow. We were doing a couple lines and we started swapping, I ate a monkey. Oh my God, it was tremendous. I asked if I could put a Coke rock on a monkey.

And that was like Thursday night. Friday night we went out to dinner somewhere. And then Saturday went to my buddy of Villos house, and that's the night I finally said. Let's go back to your place. A family had a house down at LBI. So I took it back to Guttonburg, New Jersey. It's three blocks in Northburg,

and it's like the fucking true story. And I gave her stabbing six in the morning. I remember walking home going, I cannot believe. That was my first lesson in sticking with something, was giving that girl a stab. It's great. You remember the day. So here's the beauty of it.

While I'm talking to him, he goes, how many. He goes, how many parties did you go to my house? Villo, my friend asked me this. And I go, Vils, I went to a lot of fun. He used to throw good parties because he had older brothers. Do you hear the comedian? No, this kid's, his name is Steve Avillo. Oh, dear friend of mine.

When my mother died, I hung out with him. He used to have a back shed. And he had a guitar, Bobby Slate, and the drum set in the bass. And he had an amplifier. And he had a stereo hooked up to it. So we would put on shattered and not knowing what we do. We'd get all toked up and fucking drinking. And it was just a shed that will always go down in my soul.

When I'm in that casket, I'm going to be thinking about that shed. No heat. Oh, by the way, no heat. No heat. That's so east-co. No heat. Just snow on the ground. 20 inches of snow with light bulbs, beards.

but the first party I went to was invitation only, my freshman year. The brothers had saw me at the New Barbarian show. In April, my freshman year, I went to see the Stones without Meg Jagger, Stanley Clark, the Watts on the fucking drums. The drummer was still there, but the bass, but Ian McLaughlin was playing the fucking organs. And Ronnie Woods. And I went to this show and all hell broke loose. And on the way out I saw the Ovalo older brothers, and they were like,

look at this fucking guy. He's here with him. and the younger Vila was there, and we all started talking. So the brother had this party in late July. That was the first party I got invited to that. It was big time to get invited to those, especially as a fucking freshman. There was only four freshmen invited to this party. Everybody else was seniors.

So we walked in, I didn't do bloating. I smoked dope like an animal. I snored a THC crystal, but the brothers are crazy. So what they did was they got a garbage can, and they put a garbage bag over it, and everybody had to bring a bottle, and they put everything. everything in there. They put 50 bottles of booze in there, whatever it was, and they put like two jars of cranberry juice,

then they threw a bunch of dead bees in there for flavor. They threw like 100 dead bees in there. I had no fucking idea. That's terrible. And you had to drink to punch if you went to the party. I was 14, man, I was not my line, I'm lying to you, I was about 15. I don't drink Bobby Slayton. In those days

they used to drink boons for him. Yeah. I would split an eight pack between three of us. I was a pot smoker. Oh, yeah. Did you need the bee? Oh, fuck, yeah. I gotta eat the beat. That was part of the initiation into the boys. So I reckon drank the, like, three of those stams. Guys, the next thing, you know, I'm getting fucking woken up.

And I'm on a front lawn. I'm an Anthony Sonsullo's front lawn. And I'm getting woken up by this cop named Ray Arnesto. That when I was in the eighth grade, we used to play basketball. And he always wore college socks. And it used to drive me crazy. When you have sneakers on it, we wear black socks. But he was a good basketball player.

And finally, I went off on him in the eighth grade. He was a cop. And I told him, Ray, you can't keep showing up a fucking colored socks guy. You got to wear sweat socks because if something happens and your foot gets cut, you're going to die because the ink gets in your fucking ink. That's how retarded I was.

And he's like, are you stupid or what? But anyway, he goes, thank you for reminding me about that. That's a funny joke. This is all when I'm 14. About a month later, I'm passed out. And who's waking me up with the cop lights spinning Ray on that stuff? And he picked me up. What color were the socks?

He had black socks. He had black socks. I got a police uniform on. He said, Coco, what's going on with you? I go, none, I had too much to drink. He goes, come on, let me give you. It was six in the morning, guys. Six! I was supposed to be home at maybe one.

And he put me in the cop car, and he drove me home, and he walked me up the stairs. I'd puke all over my shirt. The whole fucking package, he knocked on the door, and my mom answered, and my mom didn't even listen to him. My mom said, thank you in Spanish. He just grabbed me by the shirt

and fucking dragged me in and gave me a couple smacks. That was at 15. Do you follow me? As spoiled as I was, Bobby Slayton, I still caught a fucking beating from time. You know, my parents, the only date I remember when I was that young was Friday the 13th. It was April, 1972, and I'm 17 years old. I was selling Coke in high school. What I did when I say selling Coke, not like I'd buy, like, what would I buy?

I don't even think it would be a full eight ball. It might have been an eight ball. It might have been three and a half grams, and I'd break it up into half grams. grams and it was probably even less. I didn't think I even had that kind of money. I think a boy, more small than eight ball, 16th ball. Anyway, I'd buy some coke and I remember getting some coke from some guy and instead of returning it to him because it was really horrible, horrible, you know, right away I would do the profits up. I do a half a gram that weekend. I go, shit, I got to sell the rest of this because I owed my dealer, whatever it was, $100. That's a lot of

money when it was something, $150, you know. I think I was a bus boy in a restaurant. I wasn't making a lot of money. I'd piss away all my money gambling at night, you know, with all the local Jews who had money. They were getting allowances of 40, 50 bucks. Anyway, so I sell Coke to some girl. I sold it like a $25 package, and I knew this stuff was shit.

It was garbage. It was like snorting, you know, Ajax. So the next day she comes back and goes, you know, I really need some more. And right over, they should have set up a red flag. She was a new kid in school. I knew they were trying to bust some people. I knew the Greenberg Police Department was trying to get me and a few other guys. And like an idiot, said

realizing maybe this new girl, it didn't even cross my mind she's a cop. You know, I sell her a $20 little package, and she wants another package the next day. So I give her another package. I think she calls me up and goes, listen, I got some friends. We're going to skiing this weekend. Can we come by your house and get another package? Now, stop right there. Right there, yeah.

What are we talking about the other day? They have to make multiple buys. Right. I was telling you, they just don't make one very seldom unless they have evidence on you from something else. Are you talking about this about Busted you? Yeah, to really make a case stick on a hand-to-hand buy, a DA will really get you to do two small buys?

Well, they'll bring a witness. The first one was just the girl. She brought two other cops along with her. They have to have another cop. If it just heard, it's your word against water. They have a tape recorder. Yeah, back then it was no, I don't think they had. We're talking about 1972.

It's not like there was Mission of Possible. James Bondwood had all these wires and stuff. So she brought a couple more cops. But like I said, like an idiot, even though it was a dumb 17-year-old, they should have set up a red flag, right away, you're coming back for more of this crap. How stupid is this, Brod? And she's a new girl in school.

We went to a very small school in Westchester. There were 700 people, junior and high school combined. 700 people, 7 to 12th grade. Somebody knew each other. If you didn't know each other, everybody knew, I don't know that kid, but I know that kid's sister. I know the kid's brother. Everybody, it was a big, it wasn't that big of a neighborhood.

So the fact that she came to my door and knocked on the door and I sold her another package. So anyway, a week or two goes by, nothing happens. 7 o'clock in the morning. It was summer vacation, spring break. We were getting ready. Friday the 13th. We're going the next day of my family down to Florida for a week, you know, to Miami, Fall Lauderdale. Seven o'clock in the morning, oh, son, I'm woken up out of bed. I see these two guys standing over me. You know, I don't know what's going on. You know, you just wake up, you know, I recognize the faces that didn't hit me right away. There were detectives from the Greenberg Police Department. So my mother and father are standing by my bedroom door, and the cops start reading me my rights.

and I have no idea what's going on because it was probably a solid two weeks that went by. I hadn't done anything. It didn't cross my mind that I sold some coke. As they leading me out of the house, they said, look, we're not going to put you in handcuffs. It's the suburbs. You know, we're not going to embarrass you. Just get, you know, let's go. Just get in the car.

As we're walking outside, my mother says to one of the cops, what are you arresting them for? And they said, selling heroin. I've never done heroin. I never sold heroin. So I knew right away, this is bullshit. They got the wrong guy. I get the backseat of the unmarked car and they said to the guys, what is that all about? They said, you sold some Coke to an undercover officer twice last month, remember?

I said, yeah, well, you tell my mother heroin. They said, we were just trying to shake you up and scare the hell out of you. Meanwhile, they scared my mother. So we get to the White Plains Courthouse. It's not open yet for the arraignment. They said, look, we're going to take you out for coffee, you know. You're not going to, they take me to the diner. They said, look, you're a good kid.

You try to run away from us. You know, you're fucking dead. I'm not going to try to run away. So the cops were really great guys, you know? They threw me in jail with a couple of black guys with bottle holes in their side. Nice guys in the world. and I'm freaking out here, you know, because I did sell Coke. It was literally two weeks before Nelson Rockefeller,

the mandatory drug law in New York State, you know, mandatory prison for any kind of drug offense. I would have got to prison if you're 17 years old or younger. I turned 18 in a month, but 17 or younger, you go to fucking jail. So the law hadn't been in effect yet. So I get the arraignment. My lawyer shows up, one of my father's best friends, and the judge says to my father's lawyer right away,

Mike, we haven't played golf in weeks. Right away, I see the judge's best friends with my lawyer. Yeah, I've been meeting to call you. You know, they, you know, anyway, they put me out, they let me out of probation. I got five years probation. I was a hero in school, you know, and I found that who set me up.

What am I going to do? I'm a white Jewish kid from the suburbs. I don't have this kid killed, but he said he never did it. No felony? No, it was nothing. It was just five-year probation. Oh, my God.

See, that's why I never did any of that, because that would have been me. The first person I sold to would have been an undercover cop. So it's just... When he was telling the story, I was just thinking about getting woken up. Did you ever get busted for drugs when you were...

I mean, you ever get arrested for drugs? You know, when I was on the run for a while, I would stay at these fucked up places in New York. And one day I got woken up by detectives coming to arrest me, and it was the worst feeling in the world. Really? That was a bad feeling? Oh. get woken up by the cops.

And pick them to the station and handcuffed. And then they came back. I spent the whole day in there. They put me on a lineup. Then they realized it wasn't me. It was somebody else in the hotel that made the robbery. There was a shorter guy. It wasn't.

At that time, I was a little built. I'd walk around. But when I was a kid, my mother got raided twice. My mother got raided at the bar one time. And how they walk in is a man. It wasn't like SWAT today with the SWAT team. In those days, 15 cops would raid your bar. with shields up and then make it was like it was like a scene the time in jersey was hilarious because it

was they rated us December 4th I don't know the year because it was Santa Barbara's birthday Santa Barbara's a huge Cuban holiday December 4th then December 17th so you start partying December 3rd at 11 o'clock you start to taking the booze out and laying candles and people do blast and people break down emotionally I prayed to Santa Barbara in 1954 I like this holiday. I bet it's not celebrated. I was my voyage from Cuba and Santa Barbara came through. So now my life is dedicated to Santa Barbara.

And like five, like three, two. And I was a kid. My mom would make me go to all the Cuban holidays. October 8, September 8, September 6th, December 4th, December 17th, big Cuban holidays. Do they have names? Yeah, they're all saints. You have to celebrate them. I start celebrating on the 8th of September.

That's my big one, my personal big one. Then I don't do nothing. I do the sixth and the eight. You still do it? Fuck, yeah. I still stay up until midnight. And who was St. Santa Barbara? Who was this?

Santa Barbara is a... Is a... Patriot's at a party? He's in charge of thunder. Of thunder? Of thunder. And he has a fucking sword, and he has a fucking horse. What are you?

What is his Zeus? And he's in charge of... He's nuts. He's nuts. And you can't kill animals around him because they were going to behead him and a mouse crossed him. So there was no... There wasn't a real guy.

That's Catholicism in Cuba. Barbers and Manzan? African, well, he was also whatever. And Santa Rias. Do you do that to say? Yes. Yes. You're fucking idiot.

The chicken head and you play soccer with the head of a goat, you have another servesa. You just make them. We don't kick no fucking goats, cock, sucker. People hate the Jews. We don't hate the Jews. You're overpriced shitty cigars. You eat better ones than from Nicaragua.

But anyway. Then the big one is the 17th. That's St. Lazaro. Now, what is he lightning? St. Lasso is the one. Clouty Day? Listen to me, St. Lazaro is the one. Clouty Day.

St. Lazaro is the one that's, look, this is St. Lazaro. You're wondering right in your neck. Yeah, he's the guy that is. Make something up here. They licked his legs. The dogs licked his legs. He was a leper, and the dogs healed him from the leprosy.

Really? So that's why you're not allowed to hit dogs around them. It's so. It should be worshipping the dogs, not this guy. The dogs cured them. It's so relevant in Cuba that they even created like this subculture of this religion, of various different ones. But they're all, like when, and I'd say, Michael Vic got sentenced to prison.

There was 10 federal prisons he couldn't go to it because there was too many Cubans there. Right. They would have chopped them up. Why is that? Because they're dedicated to fucking San Lazaro. So they have to carry his fucking faith. It's hysterical. It's hysterical.

It's hysterical. October 8th, September 8th is my big one. That's La Mises. Who's this guy? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, before you go on, how come you don't have him? How can't have him around you there? You have the dog with a lover?

Because it's tough to get him. He's very... You can't get one of him? No, he's very ambiguous. I've got to go back to Union City. What do you guys feel about the X-Men? They're fantastic for. Fuck those guys.

Really? They're real superheroes. What about that, man? A dog licked the leopard's legs, and he's a saint. Oh, my God. Oh, he won't give up there. Like, if you have arthritis in Cuba, we're making friends with Cuba. I was going to say, Bobby Slateon will not be the first comic to play in Cuba.

Listen to me, if you have arthritis or your back hurts in Cuba and you can't heal it. Right. For a year, you wear a purple shirt, any color purple on you. You dedicate your life to St. Lazaro. On Fridays, you dedicate your life to helping somebody. You go work with kids or something. And then for a year, you dress up in purple. And they say your pain goes away.

It's very fucking cultural shit. Every fucking, every fucking nationality has their own. You know, the Santa Ria guy that I used to fuck with in L.A. Yeah. Was trying to sell me Santa Ria like he's like, it should take over. That's more white people. And one day, he showed me a picture of a fucking Jew with a chicken. They do a ceremony with a chicken.

So all different religions use different types of, you know, whatever, to use whatever. We just don't, listen, I grew up in that shit. It's not like I could, you know, I still have memories. Hey, I laughed a lot too when I was a kid. I'm a comedian. A lot of times they get the spirits in front of me. Fucking hilarious. And my mom would bust them.

My mom would bust them out. My mom would go to those things just to bust out the people who would get the spirits in them. So if I see a Cuban guy dressed in purple, are you feeling better? Are you feeling okay? Is this helping? We know what I'm talking about?

He'd say, yeah, why do you ask? San Lazaro, brother. Because I'm a fucking follow. Right? I'm a following. He'll look at you, hug you. And those San Lazero people, I don't know what it is,

but everybody who's dedicated to that San Lazaro thing has no problem with fucking chopping your head off. Oh, cool. But they love puppies. They're part of that whole fucking manly, you know, the Sopranos had an episode about you couldn't eat pussy. There's a lot of men that believe you can. There's a society of men that believe that if you suck a woman's pussy,

you'll suck a man's dick. They don't suck pussy. Well, those people who believe in San Lanzer, those guys don't eat pussy. Really? Yeah, they don't eat pussy. So I'm kind of dedicated to St. Lazaro, but I eat pussy. You know what I'm saying?

Where's Tony Bennett, cock suck? Break this motherfucker up. Bobby Slatens in the house. We're going to get to a little comedy in a second. Hey, look. What are you doing? Ready for some popcorn? You need some popcorn?

No, no, no, no, no. We're going out to eat Cuban food after this, right? Yeah, let's do this, Lisa, yeah? It's his birthday, Lisa. Kick that up. Keep that cat of shit away from me. Did you get high? Did you get high on it?

Did you get high? I didn't get high. I didn't get high. Are we still on here? Yeah Take the little cannabis popcorn break right? Yeah Nick to Joe

He wants to start a potchance He wants Leah's a fiducius Are we back yet? No, we're still here We're just taking a quick high break Uh Joe, I was wondering Do you get higher now?

Or when you were a kid? Do you even get that high anymore? Not how I used to get in my 20s. When I first moved from Jersey to Colorado in the early 80s, 83, 84, that's when I experienced a different type of fucking high. That's when I just... I was never a Coke guy in the daytime. It always fucked up my day.

Really? Listen, when you wake up in the morning, if you drink a Coke, you're going to be hungry all that. Your body craves sugar. If you open up, if you wake up out of bed, And as you're pissing, you're thinking of a can of Coke. And I did it for years. I'm not judging anybody.

I did it for years. So that's why when I blew up to 418 pounds, I got it because I was drinking the morning and open up with a can of Coke. You can't recover from that. When you open up a, when I would do a bump at 2 in the afternoon, it would ruin my day, because that means I ain't stopping. You see, I can always stop. I always use it as a 2. I mean, I ain't stopping. 2 o'clock, I'm going until 2 in the morning.

Really? And if I bump into another fiend like me, and we could take this motherfucker until 4. I used to do that from 83 to about 97. And you're a big guy, and you smoked cigarettes too. At that time. Yeah. But I only smoked from 97 to 2007. Because that's what I first met you.

We were hanging out. I think we worked together. You and I were doing some wines. Not a lot of lines. And then you'd be smoking. You didn't even be drinking because probably because I was drinking, you know. You're a kettle guy? What are you?

Oh, a little cattle, a little goose, a little belvedere, a little stole if I have to. If I was, if I'm in Miami, if I was at that Miami club, my fucking room was across the street. Right. Listen, those days I went on the road to get fucked up. There's nothing like knowing for three days. You're going to go somewhere and you're going to snort three of those fucking three nights. No, see, I didn't do that. I just did a little, I used it as a tool.

I do a couple of lines before the lake show, sometimes a little after. And then I'd wake up in the morning. I'd go to the gym. I'd try to work out. I'd have my little protein shake. No, I didn't work out. No. Yeah, but I know that.

No, no, no. Or these days, 90 days. No, I still work out. Now I work out. Oh, you're doing? But no. When I first started going on the road, it was 97, excuse me, 97, when I took it serious, I had moved here. And I used to go on those fucking Michigan runs for Yoder, and I would go everywhere.

You know me. And those days, for 600 bucks, I'd show up. 500 bucks. You had to do with you. It's the only way you get better. Right. The only would have improved in this is to keep doing fucking going on my. the road and getting shit.

You get different defenses thrown at you and you learn how to fucking overcome these defenses and eventually you get money. That's how a comic. And as bad as the money was, it was still better than no money. Because I still take gigs now. My wife goes, I'd say this is horrible money. She goes, well, no, if you're home, you're not making any money.

Oh. If it pays an electric bill and a water bill. $150. I remember four sets a night. When you lived in San Fran and you first started. You did three sets of night, Bobby knows. No, it was much different that. You played one club. I mean, It wasn't like L.A. where you run or New York, you go from club to club to club. San Francisco is different. You play a club for a week or you do a one-nighter for, I don't, 150 to 500.

It was different, you know. It was, it wasn't, they weren't showcase clubs. They were just regular one-night. San Francisco was an amazing town in that respect. Because I hear about guys in New York now who, you know, they're great comics. They don't make a lot of money. And they go, well, you know, if I play New York, I can make $1,200 for a week. And I go, what they have to do to make that $1,200? I mean, last time I played in the Gotham of Carolines, I'm playing some club in New York, we do our two shows. And whoever was opening up for me, he said to me,

I won't see you after the show. I got to get out of here. I got a set. I go, wait a second, you're not on until midnight. He goes, yeah, but then I get two more sets tonight. I go, what do you have to? Because I've got a set at 1230 in the village. Then I'm going to back up town.

I get a 1.30 set at the comic strip. And, you know, it's $25 bucks there. And these guys, I mean, it's every night, hustling. To try to pay their rent. Well, couldn't it be like, Joey, you went on the road and did all those gigs. It sounds like you could just move to New York and just do a whole bunch of gigs in one area. Like, is it, how is it similar? Well, in those days, the money for me was a lot different.

It's like now a comic would die. Let's say you work helium, which I love the club. They don't put up features. Right, a lot of clubs don't put up features. So you have to sleep on my floor, like a fucking animal for a week, and I got to step over, and you got to smell my shit. You know, when you're a comic, you bump into other comics, and they let you crash on that couch.

And it's great, man. It's great for a while it's happening, and you really get to learn about people, and, you know, people's compassion when you're on the road. And you just put it together, man. I used to live on those subway veggie and cheese sandwiches. I live on those things, Bobby Sladen. Listen, they gave you $500.

There was no, the only way I flew is if I had three weeks in that town, and I would put the three weeks. together. In those days, Babbitt would give me two weeks at the lap stop. I get fucking one-nighter in Pasadena, another night in Conroe, and another night in Beaumont. I put together $600 then. But in those days, it was all going up my nose. I went home with the exact amount I needed for rent and for two days of survival. I thought I had it tough. Yeah. I went home with what I needed for rent that week.

And two days of survival once I got there. I had to go, I needed 100 for headshots. had to pay sag. I was section 12. I owed them fucking $146. It was amazingly. You know, I sit now and I don't, hey, listen, man, for 18, 20 years, I fucking starved like everybody else, man. Movies and everything. They were hand to mouth. Remember, I came. When I got to you, I was minus 60.

When I got to LA in 1997, guys, I was minus 60. I was minus 20. Easy and child support. I was minus 20 in a fucking, uh, attorney fees, and I was minus 20 in bills that wouldn't go away. Like, you know, American Express went away and Discover went away. But, you know, a lot of those motherfuckers hanging around like AIDS, they don't go nowhere. You know. They keep coming back.

Yeah, I had, I didn't want to go into it. But some major financial crap going down a couple years ago after I lost my room in Vegas. You know, you get used to live in a certain lifestyle. You know, people always say, why you're broke, I go, I live in L.A. That should be enough right there. You know, there's a lot of guys that will move out of L.A., which I would love to do. I know the day, but you know what? Between the travel, I need to be near a major airport.

I'm flying every week. You know, I can't be living in Oxnard two hours away from here. You know, I can't be living in, you know, middle of the country, you know, my wife's here. My daughter's here. So I kind of made my bed. And you know what? As much as I hate L.A., I want to hate L.A., the bottom line is when I leave L.A., I kind of like L.A. I like coming back here.

Where are you going to go? Exactly. Where am I going to go to Long Island? and do what, walk around like a penguin for seven months in a fucking year? You know what? And wait until they get hit with another fucking tropical storm. I go to all these great towns and go, God, you know, I'd really love to live here.

Where would you love to live right now? Well, San Francisco's always great. Always great. And right outside of San Francisco is a beautiful town of Mill Valley, California. It's a little enclave. Have you ever gone to Mill Valley? Yes. Great little restaurants.

You know, it's very rich. How much expensive? A million dollars? But you know what? It would drive me up a wall, I think, after six months. And I talk about living to Manhattan. You know, Manhattan is great. If you have Mick Jagger, Jerry Seinfeld, Howard Stern money,

where, you know, it rains a little bit. You get to the private plane, go to Bermuda. It's really hot. You go to House in the Hamptons. Yeah, New York City is the greatest place of the world. But you know what? You know, I think that after six months living in New York, on a hot day, I go, I wish I was in my backyard in my pool.

On a freezing day, I go, I wish I was in my backyard in my pool. L.A., for everything is horrible about it, you know? I think about leaving every day. But then comes the answer of where do you go? Where do you go? you go where and if you have an audition you gotta be there you gotta you gotta you know and listen i have five auditions a year you know people call me all the time i don't know what's going on well you're 50 you're 50 you're 50 you're at that age now where you know are they gonna

put me on a show or a fucking dad yeah if the dad's a criminal or he's been in prison or something besides i'm not gonna be a dad on the abc family fucking show the cubans or the fucking off the boat or fucking none of that shit but even if you did you could move back it's It's not crazy to move back or anything. But then also, you know where I've been the past couple of years? It's really nice. Newport, like down by like Laguna and stuff. Yeah, that's great.

That's what I want to go on the witness. You know what? I put you bit to my house. Are you fucking, your business is here. Your business is here. I know, but you're saying you wanted to move. No, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about leave somewhere.

Yeah. You know, I have two years to make up a decision or for something to happen to keep me here. I have a two and a half-year-old daughter. Guys, I'm not sold on raising her here. I'm not sold. So the what? Raising her here. I'm not sold.

Yeah, well, it's not sold. I'm not sold. And my wife is 50-50. You know, my wife will do anything, you know, not that she'll do anything to go back, but listen, let's face it, I got no family out of here. I got a couple friends, they're single,

they're comedians. You know, she needs her cousins. She, every time that fucking bubble guppies comes on about the horses, she puts a hat on and gets a lasso and gets on a fucking play horse because she went back to the hat on. you get a house back there for 200 grand, live like a fucking doctor, and fly out of Paducaa.

It'd be a tough, fucking life change, but they're covered. They're covered. Ain't nobody going to drop a bomb on Paducaa. ISIS airport. You know what's going to hell out here. You don't know what's going to happen at that LAX. You really don't. You really fucking don't.

That's my main place of fucking business. Is that what I want? Eventually, the odds are against you. You're going to go in there one day. You ever see those suckers? You ever go home? And somebody calls you and goes, Joey, where are you? I'm at home.

Why? Oh, my God. Thank God. They just closed American Airlines. There's a bomb in there. And they look at TV and they show a million people waiting outside without their fucking luggage. You can't even abandon shit. And they just shut the freeway because there's a car chase.

They just shut the other freeway because there's a forest fire. It's miserable. I would love to live simple. But then again, I don't want it to be raised without seeing Armenians or Russians. or I don't want her to fucking be 18 when they can go to New York and your brain blows up. You know, I don't want it to be sheltered either. I wanted to know what it is to be rock and roll to walk home. That little black girl next to me, the cute basketball girl, that's all county.

That girl walks from my house to the fucking high school past Rutting Riverside. Think about Riverside past Marie ETC. That little girl walks every fucking day. Sometimes I see it and I want to pull over, but I feel like a fucking pervert if I hasn't seen. Right. Why can I pull over and ask my neighbor's daughter? They're nice people. So, you know, you want your daughter to establish that shit. Where's the house Sacramento? I've never been up there, but it's even... Sorry. I don't know. I don't, you know, these are places that you sit there and you scratch your fucking head and go, where do I really want to go?

I'm very comfortable here. I'm 50 fucking two years old. I'll grow my own weed at this point. I'm smoking a shit now. I smoke more on anybody I know because this shit isn't even working anymore. See, be honest, if you were going to be a normal person, with the amount of weed given to you at shows now, you could probably live on it week to week just in between gigs if you were going to just take it from there and go home with it. What about, like, I see like Vegas for you. I've lived everywhere in my mind. Oh, Vegas is horrendous.

And in my soul, I lived everywhere. Right now I'll live somewhere that if she walks down the corner, I can fucking rest. Every morning with my, you know why I walk, Thursday, Wednesday, Thursday? Why? Because I hate that night. I hate walking around there.

I know how people fucking drive. So I don't rest until my wife calls me and says, hey, I'm going to go to the YMCA. I don't fucking rest. I can't write. I just pace. And I just said, fuck it. Why sit there?

Let me get some exercise. So I get some sunshine with the girls. I drop her off now and on the way back. It's fucking tremendous. So do you understand? I'm one of those fucking dudes, man. I know that evil lurks on every. every corner.

Oh, yes. And once you know that going in, it makes your life a lot fucking easier. Yeah, but it's gone to the point. I don't know if there's a city anywhere where there's not going to be evil. One of them in a smaller school, you know. Speaking of evil and places to go,

did you hang up that Israeli flag because I was coming in? No, that's always been up there. Oh, it has. How to respect. Oh, for who? The flying Jew. That's who, bitch. Oh.

The fucking is he doing with a regular. Is he the flying Jew? He's the flying Jew. Some days. Some days. He isn't some regular fucking Jew. This guy just didn't show up without fucking credentials. Did he hanged out of the,

What did you? He did. It's mine. That's his. I lived there for six months. We've had that since the original podcast. That was, I'd always had to be up, dog. We represent here. We ain't fucking around. We're like the public enemy of the Jews. Have you been to Israel? I lived there for six months. You did? Yes. Why? Because I did, I applied to Emerson College, and they didn't accept me until the spring semester. So, I did my study abroad, my freshman year. How'd you like living in Israel? I love it. I loved being there. The area wasn't that. I lived in, like, the desert.

I lived in Bresheva. So it was like, south. Oh, you were way out there? Yeah. You weren't even in Tel Aviv? No. Well, no, Tel Aviv isn't really, it's cool, but it's like, I love it too. It's all right.

It's like, it's like, it's like New York. In, like, Jerusalem, you hear more English and Spanish and stuff in here. It used to be a lot of nicer, too many Jews. The whole neighborhood's got down hill. But, but there's a lot of Jews in Israel. No, I'm like. Now, where's Besheva? It's like yourself.

It's way out there. Now it's like a suburb, nice people, black people, anything? There's a college there, which is where I was, and then they had actually a lot of, like, Nigerians, like all the... Somebody was telling me they ate saviche and Tel Aviv. That wasn't some of the best savages. They ever had a restaurant from Spain. Do they have fish there?

Israel, great fish, great wine. That's what the kids said. It was fucking mind-bind. Really good restaurants, yeah, it's good. And then Bordane was there, and they said. show like people getting bombed, like not at the party, but they were eating. That's a different part, yeah. But now Tel Aviv is like a party place.

People go there. Tel Aviv's like New York, Toronto. It's like a, I don't know, it's still, there's still like Israeli stuff there, but it's just really commercial and dendrified. I worked there last year. You know, remember I told you, saw the Stones there. They were playing there that. It happens to be the day after I get to the Stones and playing Tel Aviv.

And you got tickets? Of course they got tickets. What is that? It's chapstick, thank you. I don't know. You all fucking Caitlin. Yes, I am. I'm just like Caitlin.

I think is if I change my sex thing, you can still call me Bobby. I just do it with an eye. I don't have to change my name. I got a girl's name, boy's name. You know, I got it. It's great having a name like Bobby or Dana or Robin. But anyway, so I went to Israel and Leno had been there a few weeks before doing something. Then I called them up and he goes, yeah, it's just like the valley.

You know, a lot of Jews, a lot of stores. It's like Vittor Boulevard. And, you know, it wasn't quite like that. Yeah, it was a cool place. And, you know, the war broke out three days after I left. I don't know if I had anything to do with that. But we played all those old towns like he was talking about. They do a tour every year.

The guy, Abby Leberman, they do one of the No-Avina. Get a reclaimed. Got a reclain. Got to do a half hour. And he brings three comics over. They've been doing it for about eight, nine years. And the audiences, you think it's going to be all Israelis. They're all expats.

They're all, you know, American Jews, mostly from New York, Boston, Chicago. Some from Scotland. I mean, they're all 99.9.9 percent, maybe more Jews. and just got to work clean. They love the Jew jokes, and it was great. It was quite an interesting experience. There's a real big push

for people to move over there, and I thought about it. I'm just terrible with Hebrew. Like, I'm terrible learning languages. Man, how many years you've been doing comedy now, Bobby? Almost 40. What year did you start? 77.

How much money was there, then? A lot of money in comedy. You know what? It's all relative. It's, you know, if you were, you know, I remember, you know, it's all relative. You know, people, Well, there was always money in show business.

I remember you used to read about, you know, Buddy Hacken or Rickles in the 60s making 20, 30, 40, 50 grand a week. 40 years of standard, seriously? Well, my book's almost done. It was actually, it's funny. It's called Raging Bulley, which is what my wife... The name of the fucking CD, too. Yeah, well, you know, it was going to be called if you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people. My 40 years and show is hell.

It's too long of a title. Yeah, too long. So I thought, Raging Bulley, my 40 years in showb is hell. And by the way, I've got to call Richard Lewis because Richard has, not that he came up with, he owns that showbiz hell, but he always did that whole, you know, it was a show from hell and this from hell. So that's one of his blessings on the title. But my career has been fine. You know, I'm not making a ton of dough. I've done so many pilots, but as you know, you know, they say, thank Jerry Seinfeld's story.

That pilot almost didn't go. It was, you know, branded Tarterica put it on because they had nothing else and one of the greatest shows in history of television. Seinfeld still would have been a giant star because he was well on his way then but you just don't know what's going to go, what's not going to go? How many great shows and pilots never made it and how many shit shows do you see on TV

and what the fuck is this on for? You just know, there's no rhyme or reason to it really. How lucky are you? I'm lucky. I mean, I'm doing great compared to you two, but you know, you know, that's the thing about people in showbiz. They're always looking at who's doing better and who's doing, you know what?

It's like somebody said, I'm not wearing a name tag. I'm not saying, would you like to try on size 8 and a half? You want fries with that? You know, I'll be right back. I've got to take my daughter to chemo. My wife's in the hospital.

You know, none of that's going. So, you know what? When shit like that happens, you realize how great you had it. So right now, I'm about to go out for dinner, get a couple of services. I'm starving, by the way.

We're going for Cuban food. That's all I've been thinking about for the last half hour is when is he going to shut up and when can we go eat? I'll tell you, I look at you and I'm like, fuck, 40 years. How lucky is that?

How many people have quit since you started? How many fucking people have quit? How many people have started with you, had a little career, tapped out, bumped into somebody, made a million dollars, and it's, as long as you stuck with it, Bobby. I stuck with it because I had to stick with it because what else was I going to do?

You know, I got into... A thousand things, Bob. I could have a nervous breakdown. I couldn't take the road anymore, so I had to slow down, but meanwhile, the kids are fucking starving. Yeah. I get it. You know, I remember once reading this article,

about Ellen DeGeneres. And who I like. She opened up for me. She started out. A lot of people opened up for me. I have a chapter in my book. The chapter is called Typhoid Bobby, which is like Typhoid Mary, who gave typhoid to people. She never had the disease, but she gave it to a lot of people, typhoid Mary. And she was a carrier. And I am Typhoid Bobby. I never had the fame, but I have the gene. Everybody I come in contact with, except for you, becomes a giant star.

I had Jud Appetal, Roseanne Barr. I had David Spade, Rob Schneider. Ray Romano, a million great, John Stewart, a million comics, Greg Geraldo, a million great comics opened up for me. They went out to greatness from Tychoid Bobby. Where'd you start? I started in San Francisco. I started in 1977.

I started opening for bands, and I started, you know, when you're saying, I kept going because, you know, I started when the comedy boom was happening, so I got a lot of work. You know, I was in the right place at the right time. And I'm sure people have said this to you. How do you get better? The only way to get better is to keep doing it. and it's hard to keep doing it now

because, you know, you don't, if you're lucky, if you want to start doing stand-up and you sign up for an open mic night at the improv or the comedy store or there's some club that I'm, you want to do your best five minutes. You don't want to start fucking around. So when I started out, there was a comedy night every night. I was a host at the punchline.

I was a house MC. So I didn't see the shows for Leno, for sign-for, for George Wallace, Michael Keaton, Kimberdata, Elaine Boozler. So I got a lot of stage time. And Bill Graham had the old Waldorf next door. there were bands to open up for. There was Ray Charles, the Four Tops, The Temptations, Warren Zivon.

And there were guys like Dana Carvey, Robin Williams, how did he got on to do Mork and Middee. And there were a lot of guys, you know, remember Pollock and Dana would open up for Pablo Cruz, to the Beach Boys, and the amphitheater. None of that was easy. But when the stranglers came to town, or the dictators came to town, or Mink DeVille, or the Tubbs,

some new punk rock band, who are you going to call? The original Ghostbuster, call Slayton. Nobody's going to take 50 bucks to open up for that goddamn band. So I'd go open for a band. That's why kind of became the pit bull of comedy. Because for a man, you never did well. I mean, I shouldn't say that. I would do fine.

But when you're a young comic, it's not how well you do. It's like riding that mechanical bull. How long can you stay on? You better start for 15 minutes if you want your $35. I would stay on. I'd do my time. And I became better and better and better at doing it. You know, I got a little name for myself in the Bay Area.

So when they opened up for Ray Charles or Warren Zeebond, what are these adults? You know, they weren't there to see me, but they'd listen to you. They'd give you a shot. And then it opened up for the rock bands. Maybe you'd join Sturgood. It was a little bit tougher.

So, you know, and then the emcea show, opening up for the big shots. It got tougher and tougher and then easier and easier because you just had to keep doing it. So that's where I cut my shot. I got a lot of stage time as an opening act. You know, I went from House MC to Feature Act to Headliner. And the Bay Area at the time had a ton of...

They had three or four full-time comedy clubs. They had three or four, maybe five, you know, one-nighters. You can make it a living. And then I realized he can't keep playing the Bay Area every night, you know. Dana Carvey and Kevin Pollock started getting into movies. I said, I get to get on the road. So you go to Zadis in Chicago, go to the Cleveland Comedy Club, then hilarities in Cleveland.

Then you go to the other punchline in Atlanta, you know. Then a few improvs opened up around the country. There weren't that many clubs, but you make a living in the Bay Area, and you start branching out to all these clubs. and then the comedy boom really hit, and there was plenty of work out there, you know, for a time. You know, there was always four or five comedy clubs in Vegas. And if you're really clean, you open up for Frank Sinatra, a share, you know,

you become Paul Bervenzzi, Jerry Seinfeld. Those guys all opened up for those people. I couldn't do it because I wasn't clean enough. But the point was there was a lot of work for everybody. You know, there were game shows and hosts and sitcoms and a lot of shit passed me by. And, you know, it's funny because I'm sure this happened to you, when that stuff did come up. You know, Bobby, have an audition for you.

Well, I'm leaving this morning to the funny bone in Columbus, you know, and you couldn't just put yourself on tape. There were no iPhones, and you couldn't just go down the street to the Armenian guy for 20 bucks. Hey, he's got a little, you know, an AV outfit. So I go, fuck it. They'll have to wait until I come back. Or how many times, I can't tell you how many times, because I suck an audition. I go in, I'd be proud of myself.

I do a great audition for a show. They want to see a Friday. Well, they can't see me Friday because I'm on the road. My manager would go, and back then it wasn't that difficult. You can catch a plane from San Francisco. You can fly right back down and fly back up again. So, yeah, it sounds really easy. Hop on a plane and fly down.

But even when tickets were cheap, I still got to pay $75 to get to the airport. I still get on that plane. I got to get to L.A. I got to rent the car. I got to fly back. I got to hope I make it in time. The airport's not close because of fog. And all of a sudden, got me $400 fucking dollars to audition for a part.

You're not really right for it. And you know what happened? With all the traveling and all the... the movement and all the stress your audition sucks. Exactly. Exactly. I did it three or four times like a pig with your nose wide open and one day

I said I'm not doing this. If I'm in town I'm in town. One time I got a call as I landed in Sacramento on a Thursday. I was like are you fucking serious but it was for my name is Earl and it was Friday at

11 o'clock. So you got on a plane and went back? Fuck yeah, it was perfect for me I cannot miss that I'm going in front of the producers One shot deal How long ago was that? Did you leave the airport?

Huh? Did you leave the airport? What I mean? No, I was already in the whole town Sacramento Okay So I worked Thursday night I finished I went in, I studied the fucking lines

I cut it up a couple different ways I didn't do any blow I didn't do any blow that night And I fucking jumped on a plane I like fucking eight in the morning And I flew into Burbank And went that was up here And I went in there

And I was rest How long ago was that? This had to be 2007, 2007. You know, okay, well now, and even back then, now you want to do that, and you want to get on, buy an airline ticket. It's like $150 each way. No, it was hard. This was,

it was like $82, but I already had the plane ticket home. So I just changed the, I did a fucking tremendous move that time, by the way. I did a tremendous move. The lady didn't like me at the punchline at the time. She didn't fucking like me, guys. she didn't like anybody they finally got rid of her you know that broad that well i don't remember i don't remember there's so many different people who know right so she didn't like me i got up there one time with rogan

and she didn't like me i got up there one time with a bunch of comics oh there was one more than second about she was horrible yeah she was horrible and i went up there this thursday and i went in there like a man i go listen i got a problem at the moment i got to fly back to lye and she just started going off on me guys like what the fuck do you think this is i hate these hollywood fucking want to be comics. I didn't say nothing. I bit my tongue. I didn't say dick. I just said, you know what, man, I ain't coming back. You weren't making bunch of money anyway. No, I was making $100 in the quarter. Right, right, right. And they wanted to headline me with Gene Pompa.

And I'm like, I don't want to do this. And you know what happened? I fucking get off the plane. As I'm getting off the plane, I got a call from Rogan. Ari had an audition for something, and he couldn't take the plane in time to go to San Francisco. He was doing cops for the weekend. And Ari had a cancel on Friday morning. Rogan called me. He goes, where are you at? He goes, I'm in Burbank. I go, I'm going to audition for my name is Earl. I went to my name is Earl, booked it in the room. I could tell. I booked it. They were looking for criminals. It was like stealing. I went in there booked it on the way out. He had called Rogan's managing. They said, go to Burbank Airport. There's a ticket

waiting for you to San Francisco. You're all going to fly in together. I even went home to Hollywood and Took a shower and got different clothes and everything. But that was a once in a lifetime. You're right. There was one time I had to get off a plane. I was in Miami and had to come on Monday at 11. I had been snorting for a week straight, Bobby Slate. And that Sunday didn't, like I had the sides since Thursday for Monday morning.

I snorted all weekend and ate some ass. I didn't go over my fucking sides. And getting off the plane and still being a little drowsy and running up to the audition and you walk in and there's 60 people in the room and now you haven't slept in two days and every minute that goes by you're getting worse and I know the fucking deal so it sucks. You know, I used to try

to kill, I'll never forget when I was shooting and analyze this. What do you think I did? What do you think Joey Diaz did? And analyze this? I booked rascals. Oh. I booked rascals. Right.

Like a fucking gavone than I am. I booked rascals. In Jersey? Yes. So I went, I was shooting in Jersey. I was shooting Tuesday and Wednesday. Okay? Wednesday is when

Rascal started in those days. It was Wednesday night there. Cut the Tuesday out. And I thought, oh, maybe it was a Tuesday. It was a Tuesday. Because I went there Monday, yeah. And then, boom, no worries. And I asked the director who was cool as shit,

how long, he goes, the scene's going to go great. Scene's going to go fast. Well, De Niro's in the room. He wants you to shoot from every angle. So you shoot from 12 o'clock, two, four, six, eight, ten. And both sides, his sides and my side.

This is a fucking nightmare. Holy shit. So this scene started at 9 in the morning. At 6, we're still there. And it's the scene where I'm getting shot. And I'm not, I can't even think about the lines anymore, guys. I had said them 200 times already. It was me and Anthony Lompagli.

I couldn't say the lines anymore. And all I kept thinking about was that fucking feature spot, Bobby Slater. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I couldn't focus. I couldn't focus on the fucking line. It finally came out after an hour. like they were getting pissed off at me and everything. Embarrassing.

And then I redeemed myself with something else and it was all forgotten, but oh my God. Did you make it to Roskills? Fuck yeah. You did? Hair do, yeah. Yeah. The guy with the fucking hairdo. How do you...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you guys decide to, like, manage your two... Because you have two careers. But can you have to book stand-up gigs far in advance, but then acting gigs are kind of... They can pop up whenever.

But they know in stand-up gigs that you're going to cancel. You know, they know, and I've only done that a few times because I don't get many acting gigs. But they're well aware. You know, I always hated these guys, and they do this a lot. I remember they'd be a show like Hollywood Squares or something. Some comic would call a club and go, I just got Hollywood Squares today. They want me, you know, so I got to cancel. And I think, you know, you could do that show anytime or whatever show it was.

They want me for this show or that show. But if it's a show, you can do it. And to cancel on a club. who, you know, see, I've always tried not to do that because that's been my, the clubs are my bread and butter. You know, my manager's going to say to me, cancel a gig, you should go read for this. And I had done that before and pissed off the club.

It took me forever to get back. And then to go read for something, not only not get it, not right for the part. You know, it just, and, you know, they just, you know, it's just, you know, it's just jacking you off forever on this shit. So it's like the clubs are my bread and butter. And there's been a lot of times where I just won't cancel a gig to go read for something.

Unless I'm sure. Yeah, Quentin Tarantino called. He's a big. fan, it's a big movie. Well, okay, then whatever you want me to do. I'll kill my first board, I'll be there in an hour. But, you know, to go read for some fucking sitcom, which probably won't go, some horrible part.

You know, it's just, I don't, I don't care anymore. I had a manager that revolved around that at the time. I liked him. And from 2001 to 2006, basically, this is how it went down. I would book your comedy room,

but I'll tell you what, if I got a call for an audition, it was open. I would cancel. It doesn't matter what the audition was, even if you're not right for the small part. No, no, no, no. If it was a home run for me,

yeah. The thing got canceled. Well, that's understandable. It got canceled. Right. But I learned later on in life that, again, there was one time I had to cancel somewhere.

Those people still don't talk to me. I was going to say, I mean, people can understand one time, but I'm sure these people move around, these bookers move around between clubs. So if you piss off the same person two, three times, they might not book you. One time I tried to cancel on Sarah Nye,

and that bitch muscled me, Bobby Slate. Oh, yeah, she was like, if you fucking can't, she goes, if you don't get on the plane, and I woke up the next morning and said, fuck you, I'm not getting on the fucking plane. And then she booked me anyway again for New Year. So fuck her. She robbed me, but she booked me again.

So I was brought up in the sense that if you had something with comedy clubs, that they understood, they understood, number one, because that's part of the business, you're here to do television, and number two, that sometimes you have to cancel on them. You know what I'm saying?

Just to let them... I remember a particular story, and God bless his soul. Bobby, Robert Schimmel. Robert Schimel worked the improvs, and this is 2001, 2002, maybe 2000. And something happened in this country,

reality shows. And it was how to marry some fuck and homo or how to marry some fucking postmover or some shit. And guess who won? Some comedian some comedian who used to open up with, is it hot in here or my pants on fire? He used to set his pants on fire.

Like the cuffling on his pants on fire. So the guy wins this on Fox. He's the struggling comic guys. And guess what the improvs do? Because they'll suck your dick. They don't give a fuck. They cancel Robert Schimel

on Wednesdays and Thursdays. and made him cancel Wednesdays and Thursdays because they were bringing fucking Harvey Homo in who was the husband of the year on some show, right? Do you remember what this guy's name was? He was out of a white dude. And he lived like in the beach, like Ramosa Beach, he started. And I had worked with him at Harvey's one time.

And somebody told me this guy was huge. This guy was going to be a star, but something went wrong, his show went down. I still remember working with him. I wish I knew who you taught about. I still remember working with Craig Shoemaker in 1999, and they called me to the other room, and they said, do us a favor.

Don't piss this guy off. He's the next Tim Allen. This guy's got more network deals than anybody. He's the next Tim Allen. Please do not piss him off. And nothing happened with Craig Schumann. Yeah, he worked a lot, Craig. I mean, over the years, it's a stand-up,

but they were booking him as the next fucking Tim Allen. He's no fucking Tim Allen. That's my point. You don't remember the other guy you're talking about? No. So this guy wins this fucking reality show. Rick Rockwell? Rick Rockwell, that fucking MoMA.

How did he have a million a man before the wife, the millionaire guy turned out be a whole big scam there. So Robert Schemel, two weeks. What he would do to get back at the improv for that is cancel the weekend. But he would cancel it on Friday morning.

But I didn't care because guess who covered from? I used to feature. So now I became the headline. I was already in town. I didn't, nobody came to see me. But what the fuck? I would practice headlining. I was terrible, but it didn't matter.

Right. But my point was, Robert Schimel would cancel Friday morning at 8 in the fucking morning. They would call me like Friday and 8th their year. How often did that happen? He did it to me one time there and one time in Tempe. And that's how I knew. He did it on purpose. He did it on Friday morning.

I was scheduled to work on two weekends, like two weeks apart, three weeks apart. And he canceled both those gigs on a Friday fucking morning. Glad he had the money. Yes, God. Do you follow me? Yeah. You fuck with me. I flocked back with you.

You keep them. Everybody gets on point. It's hysterical. They treat you like shit the improvs or any comedy club, for that matter, until they see you on a commercial or on some stupid TV show. You know, it was so funny. Like somebody came up to me. They go, Joey, I heard you say one night that this town doesn't start working for you to book a commercial.

He goes, that happened to me. He goes, some club booker in Ontario at the improv saw me in a commercial, and now I'm an emcee there fucking once a month. That shit doesn't be. make any difference anymore, though. It doesn't, but in their minds, you might become something. If they see you in that commercial. I don't think it works that way anymore.

You never know how a person's perception is from you. Listen, Bobby Slayton, how many fucking shitty comics do you know that they get put in a movie? Oh. And now they go on the comic tour. Absolutely. They're terrible. They don't have even

30 minutes. I was talking about that with my jiu-jitsu teacher this month. With Mike, with John Evans, who were talking about guys who get put out there way before their time. You know, I can't even figure people out, but it's like guys from a reality show, Saturday Night Live Alums, they're like, I could do this stand-up shit on the fucking road.

Oh, yeah, it doesn't. And they get on the road, and after two weeks, they got to call Pablo Francisco or some other got to come in and do a little longer, because they're cutting their time back for 20 minutes and 10 or 20 of a Q&A now. Oh, yeah. Because everybody thinks they could do this.

And so, you know, it's internet sensations, too. They do something on the internet for three, four minutes. These clubs are telling me they're selling out. You see one show that it was a horrendous nightmare, that Chelsea Handler show in the afternoon, that horrible show, all these comics have big gay, faggety gab fest. That Chelsea Handler show, oh, it was horrible. But you find that there were some really good comics on the show.

You laugh at what? You enjoyed watching Chelsea Handler's show? You liked it, Joey? I love watching his shoes. She always wore sexy shoes. She's what? She always wore very sexy shoes I'm not saying I wouldn't fuck her

She was always like But there were a lot of comics I understand Some of your comic Some of some great comics But there was some Because of that The same thing

You talk about movies You know you see them on a On a talk show And they have a few funny lines And they're hysterical For five, ten minutes And all of a sudden They're headlining

And selling out Because of that show To her credit To their credit I mean Hey whatever it takes To make a limit Whatever it takes

It's great I mean if I was on that show And I was a mediocre comic and I've had 10 minutes, and they wanted to pay me $3,000,000, $4,000,000, I would find the way to do an hour, I'd bring out puppets and guitars, and I'd do a Q&A, and whatever, you know.

Listen, man, when this podcast stuff started happening, and people started coming out to the shows, I was already doing comedy 19 years. I wasn't quite a headliner, but I could cover the spread. I was a lot better than 50% of the people you saw. I had faced audiences.

I put my fucking work in here. It's not like got some guy that hits a TV show, And his agent goes, hey, man, they're offering you $25,000 the weekend to go out on the fucking road. Right. And you're going to get them once or twice. You're going to get them once or twice. After that, they're going to say, I can't go see that. That was horrendous.

He was up there singing songs. Although people keep going back to see Paulie Shore. Explain that to me. Go ahead. Explain it to me. Paulie, I'm going to explain it to you. I'm going to explain to you why. I moved to Los Angeles.

Yeah. And since day one that I've been doing comedy, people always asked me, has Mitzis Senior. You know, and I used to see this kid on fucking MTV or whatever the fuck it is back in whatever fucking year it is, Bobby. You know, and I go to the store and I meet him and I'm not crazy about Bobby, whatever's fucking name was at the time, Paulie. You know what the day was at the time? Whatever's fucking name at the time. You know, he was still a little semi-famous when I moved to L.A. Everybody had attitude and people who worked for him had attitude.

And I had beef at one of them and Pauley came to me. So it was always a rugged. But he always knew I loved his mom. He always knew that if I was in the room, I had no beef with Mitsy Shaw. And over the years, whatever happened, I was there the night they threatened Rogan. I was there. I turned my back because I thought Rogan was going to knock him out. But Rogan was smart, and he walked out, and they ended up abandon them.

And I would see Paul. He always had a wise remark. And about a year ago, not even, I started going back to the store, Bobby Slay. And after six weeks, you know when you don't remember somebody? you've got somebody in your life who's just out of mind man they're one of those people that did count of you 18 years ago and one did they just stop coming to the punchline and then they show up after 10 years and you're like

what the fuck happened oh my god and even you feel bad you're like oh my god I forgot all about this guy existed that's how I saw Paul he sure and he came over and he gave me a hug and we started talking and it's been a very how are you related what's going on what time are you on 1030 good to see you man all right

And last week I was at the store And I'm laying against our fucking freezer And he walks in and gets a water And he goes, how are you? And I go good And he stands there for a minute, Bobby Slating And I'm sitting there and I look at him And I go, oh my God First of all, I'm in my 50s

And I'm at the fucking comedy store And I got a spot at 1045 Okay, and I'm looking at this fucking goodook In front of me And I'm thinking to myself, I grew up while When I first started comedy, he was already on TV So at that moment for some reason, which I never got, I got nostalgic. I got it.

It's like someday Lee paid, and I'm not making fun of you. I'm just saying something from your upbringing. Lee paid, how much did you pay for Danecoot tickets and college? I was, I know, I think I paid a hundred each. Okay. For what tickets? For Deng, for the floor. Don't judge.

I was a junior in high school. In high school, okay. I took my prom date. Okay. So you took your prom day. You really thought he was funny. You bought his albums. You know, Lee, whatever conversation we're having here, he was a part of who you are.

Right now, you're at this fucking table because you went to see Dane Cook. Because you liked comedy. His first two albums to make me laugh. Come on. Listen to me, man. Listen to where I'm going with this. I had never, like, I've always, like, stand up. And that's, like, the kind of stand-up, like, my mom would drive and we'd all listen to.

like his albums were like fine for her to listen to. And like I didn't like, it's kind of like you find out you're not supposed to like them. Now most people will be, you know, it's like who buys Britney Spears first out? Obviously you didn't, and you fucking didn't, but she sold 80 million copies, okay?

Somebody's buying these arms. Right now, those people find those albums going, what the fuck was I thinking? But guess what? When they're 60, they're going to look back, and that's a part of who you are in a way. He's part of it. For some people, he's like, fucking Beatles. The first time they saw

brother-in-law, they jerked off into their girlfriend's mouth in the 8th grade. Something. People attached themselves to something. So I get when Paulie Shaw goes to his city, and he can still sell 550 tickets. For him, that's great. You know, chicks still go. How many chicks

were in love with Pauly Shaw when they were 20? Now they go see him, and he looks like a fucking bus at him. And that's the end of that. They're like, I wasn't going to suck his dick. I was thinking of a suck his dick until I got there. I love my husband. Well, see how powerful it is? Like, but that's the entire thing that's going on with Cosby. That's the only reason he's not, like, being beaten in the streets.

Who? Cosby. Is his... He was part of so many people's lives. Yeah, because, like, everyone loves him. So it's like... Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I thought you were...

Like, he was a part of it. That show was insane. Everyone watched that show. It's like Michael Jackson. Yeah. Michael Jackson. Listen, when you're talking to him to Michael Jackson and my ears... We were talking about starting a podcast.

I had to go backwards. The first album I bought when I came from Cuba was ABC. Then I bought James Brown. Then I bought whatever. Get your yaya's out. But that's the first album. My first album was, I think, before the Beatles, no.

No, the Beatles then. Then the monkeys. Here on you later. One of my first album. I still like the monkeys. But they were good. Hold on. Let me do some shout-outs and we'll ban this ship.

Oh, wait. After you do the shout-outs, we'll be here for almost two hours. Can we go eat? I'm starving. That's why I'm doing a fucking shot-outs, cocksucker. So we go get some deep, and I've got to find my glasses. Oh, my God.

I can't see. They're right here on the table. You can't see your glasses. See what I'm saying? I wear my full-time now. You have to. Jeremy Grog, I love you. Dom De Niro.

We had good life. I love you, too. Dapper Don, 90, Alexander Void, Aaron Ray, Zach Motor, NFC, and Robert Col. Robert Cologne, your bad mother. By the way, before I forget, before you go on, your show, the last time I did a phone in with you,

and I've done a hundred podcasts, a lot, I got more people following me on Twitter. When I say a lot of people, I mean another 10. That's a lot for me. I have 8,000 people. Every time I tweet something, I lose more people. Every time I make a joke, I'll be having, I'll have negative, I'll be the first one that have negative Twitter followers

if I keep going at this rate. Listen, but pit bull of comedy. People like you. You're a fucking savage. After you're doing your show, people, people, these shoutouts, these are my people too. One second. I got to talk to you while Lee is here. One of the things I stress about this show, and Lee will be here with me.

The reason why you're on here, Bobby Slayton, is because I learned from guys like you. I learn from watching guys like Attell. I learn from watching Mitch Headberg. I learned from you guys. It'd be really funny to see what Mitch would be doing today. Because everybody would know about Mitch and these kids wouldn't be jumping on the bandwagon or whatever. But the real interesting thing is, comedians come and go.

And the sad thing is that the clubs take a certain time of the year that's dark, and they offer you that week, and they pay the lowest money they can get away with. Of course. And they make it seem like they're doing you a favor, and people just don't go, because they're not excited, because

they don't know. And it's like anything else in this business. I don't listen to Erosmith anymore. I haven't bought an album in 20 since done with mirrors. But guess what? They're still making music. and it's good. Do I fucking, am I going to buy it tomorrow?

You've evolved. You've been doing comedy for 45 years. And I like you think it's getting better. You're getting better and funnier. So for somebody and not to say, listen, Bobby Slayton's in town. This guy is in town. No, no, let's go see Neil Chid.

He's on E, keeping up with the Kardashians. They wrap, you know, and these is where people make mistakes. They get, and then they go in there, ha, ha, ha. They look at the bill. They drop 90, and they'll never go see this fucking. and mud again. But meanwhile, they'll pay the small 15 for you and they'll laugh their asses off.

And, you know, and you're back there, you're just a fucking guy that's been doing comedy and deserve. And this is what bothers me. This is why people come up to me. They're like, it's amazing that you involved with social media. Wow, he's helped me out. Look so bad at it.

But there's nothing to be bad about it. It's what we do for a living on a natural. We look for things that are fucking awkward and put them on there. You just can't put them on there. You've got to let people know you're a warm-hearted motherfucker, but hold on one second. I can go for a midget with an ice cube sucking my asshole. You follow me?

There's always some way. That's it. People want to know what's really in your thoughts. Am I lying? No, you're right. And you know what I'm thinking about before I forget? I want to do this for the next time I play. You know, I'm now working at the South Point in Las Vegas.

They actually let me play the showroom. And the last time I played there, I brought Jackie Martinling, Sturring Show. I remember from the Sturring Show with Elin-Lano Show. But this time I'm bringing in Lenny Clark and Jim Florentine. It's Bobby Saline and Friends. because I know I can't sell out to all room. Will you play there?

You do the show for the Mexican. You do the midnight show, right? No, no, I do the regular weekend. But you do it in the big showroom? Yeah. I'm fucking around. It's a beautiful room, isn't it? I'm taping my special there.

That's right. I want to tape a special there, too. September 20th, I am taping a fucking special at the South Point motherfucking casino on a Saturday night. Yeah, I'm going in the end of August. Next time I play, well, if you, you know, you already headlined, maybe we'll do a thing together. I'm going to have a raffle, and we're going to give away

fucking tickets in a hotel room, and you get to eat 500 million. Milligrams of fucking... Oh shit. ...millograms with fucking Lee Syatt on Friday night, the 19th after the first show. Well, keep... So I'm a big supporter of the South Point.

At your 10 point. What is the date that you're there with Lenny Clark? Let me break down who Lenny Clark is. Oh, guys. One of the reasons I'm here is because of this gentleman here, but also a man by the name of Lenny Clark, Wales out of Boston, who I saw him under Rodney Dangerfield special. Remember that guy.

And the reason why I wore a suit for my first two. years of comedy was because of Lenny. I never went on stage without his suit. And you've got Jimmy Florentino, I just worked with at the store Saturday night. Oh, is he? It was a fucking pisser. I love Jimmy. That station that he does, the music, I don't lie to you, that metal midgets,

I listen to it every Sunday. It is, he told the story about going to see Iron Maiden and Judas Priest at Asbury Park. I went to that show. And for a long time, in those years, I go to shows, and somebody was lighting fucking, the smoke bombs. And he told the story.

about getting high and lighting a smoke bomb and they knew who was him and they threw him out and he had to call his mother to pick him up and his mother seen his red eyes and she's like, but you're getting high and he's like, no, no, no, no, no. It was the smoke from the fucking, I was dying. That was a part of my youth. He was great. Did you see him on the finale? I think it was the finale of a Louis C.K. show?

No. Oh, he, oh, he, well, he dies on it, but he's really good. Having to fight with Louis over fart jokes. And it was just, it was really. I got to go Pete. Keep saying the story. and talk more about sappling. Let me go shoot this.

Wait, wait, wait, I got to pee. What do you? Hold on. You have to pee? Yeah, I'll go pee, and I'll close up to the show while you're up paying. Well, hurry up, because I... Oh, great.

Now, I have to talk to you about your birthday? Sure. You know, for the last... We've been on now. I don't know how much you're going to add this down to, almost two hours. There's no editing. I've had no editing?

Nope. I've had to pee for a solid half hour. And I kept thinking every time I got to pee, he's going to end the show. But, no, he's got to do something else. But while he's in the bathroom, you know, have you been out to Vegas? Yeah, I go a bunch. I went, he headlined a couple months ago, and then I guess in September or August we're going out.

No, September. Oh, that's when he's taping a special? Yeah. You know, it's great about the South Point, and that's really cool. It's off the strip, and when you go to the strip, you know, locals don't want to go to the strip. The strip is horrible. You know, it's getting worse and worse and worse. You know, I don't get dressed up.

When you go to a four-star restaurant, I don't want a guy coming in with a dirty t-shirt. and flip-flops, you know. At least, if you're going to be white trash pig, at least wear a clean t-shirt. You know, you go and you see the whole strip. It's become, and the locals don't want to go there because the crowds or the traffic and the drunks. The homeless people dress all like Spider-Man,

you know, the street performers. Are they homeless? No, but they might as well be. They're always out there. Probably some of them are. I mean, if you're going to be on the strip dressed as Wonder Woman or Minnie Mouse, what a great job for a homeless person.

You're going to be out there anyway, begging for money. You might as well, just like a cartoon character, so they don't arrest. you know but anyway so the South Point's great because it's off the strip but it gets a lot of locals

I like the South Point they're hot dogs you're talking about the South Point I was off the strip right always really nice to us I really like the South Point I have a great time there it's real people it's a big room what's the dates when you're there August 21 through 23rd

but Lenny Clark you know had his own show Lenny on CBS remember that Lenny Clark used to be also on a John Laro Kett show that used to be a fucking good show who the fuck you think you're dealing with dog I don't know rescue me when I got into fucking comedy I got into comedy. Lenny was on the John Lerocat show, and I would sit there and learn from him for a while.

He was the fat guy. I learned on fucking Jackie Gleason, so Lenny and Jackie and me were in that same cousins of families. So I tried to emulate them. I saw Lenny the years later at the store, and I pulled him aside, and I told him my story. You know what? He was very fucking cool to me. I love you guys. And that's why they're working with me.

All right. So can we go eat now where you do? Shoutouts. Let me fucking do my thing. If you're doing it, then I can go pee now. I got to do the sponsors. I just want to say something real. So you say, thank me now.

Thank you, brother. I need a key for the bailiff? It's either this key or the other silver one that looks just like it. Why do I know there's going to be a dead hooker in there? Come up. Hurry up. Hurry up. Let me read this and we get out of here.

Go, go do it. I got to tell the fucking church people something real important. Guess who contacted me this weekend? Lucy Snowbush. How fucking funny is that? We were a friend of a friend of a friend. She said she went to a fellow express store to mail a box. And the guy said, Lucy Snowbush, are you from North Bergen?

and she goes, this has happened like 15 fucking times to me. So how you like them there, Apple people? And she finally reached out. She's like number 50. She reached out to a friend of a friend of a friend, and they got back to me, and this is what we're going to do. So I'm going to try to give her a call tomorrow and say hello and see if we're having to call in and just talk to us.

That'd be crazy. How you doing, brother? Happy birthday, D. Thank you very much. Happy birthday. You've grown up to, you've really fucking grown up in front of me. How old were you when I met you? 23.

Fuck. Close that door. Wait, I can't. I can't get the bathroom door open. The male bathroom. I use the bedroom. I got it. It's either that one or that one.

Do you give me right key? I thought maybe there's somebody in there. Use that key right there. Maybe there is. Who knows? In the mail one. I'll be back. I'll finish your show.

I'm thinking about Cuban for it. I did it. Let's do it. Let's get out of here. Stop interrupting, Cogsucker. Anyway, close the door. I forgot what you were saying. anyway

It's like a happy birthday buddy How are you in my man Probably like 22 23 Five years I got a girlfriend

Now you're wearing your pimp shirt Brand new The mother-in-law Cook for you last night Mom sent you How much of the check she put in that Coguckie holding out on me No

No You're fucking stuttering Fuck How much you give you I know she gave you The small five grand She gave you that fucking Hanuk of money

For me They will hold on to it and shit. Anyway, we gotta get the fuck out of here, man. I love that you guys listen to us on a Monday afternoon. First sponsor, always up there. My fucking life blood on it. Always on it. Always with the fucking neutropics, alpha brain.

Money back guarantee coming at you. Nobody does that. We don't even want the fucking product back. Besides that, you got the testosterone upgrade and your body. You have the T's... coconut oil, they're putting your coffee and whatnot. It never ends with Honourn. And they're always getting a head of the head and the head

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Church. What is it? It's Church. There you go, Cuck, Sucker. Oh, my God. You gave me like 400 milligrams. somebody to be enthusiastic. You try to be enthusiastic. Like you put two shroom texts in your asshole.

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and get five. So you get two cigars and you get three different fucking cigar and their taste. They get the fruits, raspberry, coconut, whatever fucking flavors you like. almond, whatever you like, Doc, something. Then you got cigarettes.

You got 24 milligram, 16 milligram, 8s of a milligram, and zero. You got to pick three out of the four, all right. Don't break my balls. Go to hitty-6.com right now and press in. Joey's Church. Boom! And get five for 50. Tell them we sent you.

They'll take good carry it. Maybe don't throw in some extra shit in the box. Number one, my main man, Dave Foley, doing it tough. I'm in Dragon TV, Kung Fu Movies to the Hill. If you love Chinese people flying through the air, this is the website for you, Roku, correct? HD. What is it?

Iron Dragon TV. What is it? What are they pressing? Joey. Joey and get two free movies downloaded on the air. I'd like to thank Bobby Slayton. Yeah, Bobby! Don't forget August 21st and 22nd at the South Point Casino.

I will be there taping a special. Only you motherfuckers know right now. September 19th or 20th. It's a Saturday night. Also, this week in Chicago, Thursday, and Friday. And Rosemount Saturday, and the next Wednesday night, we're at the Ice House for Combination Testicle Testament slash podcast. And then August 14th and August 15th, I'm in Toronto at the Comedy Bar. No, the 15th is a podcast seminar and the 14th is at that Weave Place, the underground, when you get high.

So that's going to give you a lot of flying your radio. And what are you going to do when they fucking stab you done that when they give you 8,000 milligrams? Because I got a team of people. You know, it would be high as fuck. Giving your cakes. They're going to spray T.8C powder in your fucking hairdo. It's all over. They're going to put 1,000 milligrams in your head doing it.

Let's do it. All right, cuckusk. I love you guys. Just go on my Twitter, please. Go on my Twitter. What is it? And just go to my Twitter and the links in my bio. Lysa, yeah, go on the fucking Twitter.

All right, Bobby Slaten. Now, can we eat now? We're going to eat. I love you guys. Stay black. Yeah. Something for Bobby Slayton. Put your earphones on, cucks.

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