The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #302 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 23, 2015

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio   This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/joey to get your first two meals free   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
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 One Of These Nights - The EaglesThese Shoes - The Eagles

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When you go to Meundees.com slash Joey, they're going to give you 20% off of your first order and free shipping in the United States and Canada. And the show is sponsored, as always, by Onit.com. When you go to Onit.com, use Code Word Church to get 10% off all of their great optimization products like Alpha Brain, New Mood, Strong Bone. It's Code Word Church to get 10% off. Oh shit. It's one of the first rock songs I really fucking dug. I heard it in Miami. I almost lost my fucking mind.

Don Felder. Maybe 11. This guy's one of the most underrated guitar players. Oh shit. The church, you bad motherfuckers. July 21st, 22nd, whatever the fuck it is. You're here. Oh shit.

Ticketly. With your little matching blue shirt on, cucket. What? You've got desires. That's right. I got a few dirty fucking desires myself on this beautiful Wednesday. I hope you guys are doing well at home today. What's happened, Lisa, yeah?

Having a great day. Again, thank you. I was really messed up last time, but thank you to everybody for the birthday wishes. I got hundreds of them, so thank you. Good, good. And it was just getting fucked up, man. I'm really starting to enjoy weed, which is a little. And it's not that I didn't.

Before, I always had fun. But it's not right the fucking way. panic. It was just, it's just so fucking high. Have you been smoking it all on your own? You know what? I haven't, but I went to Sunset Herbal, where we get the stars, and they gave me a free gram

because it's my first time. So I'm like, maybe I should go get a pipe. I prefer edibles, though. I don't know how you are. I know you like everything, but I prefer, I think edibles, it's, I really like the whole body thing as opposed to just the head for me. She just make you too fucking hungry at night. Yeah, they really do.

You don't get the same with smoking? I'm not, yeah I smoked some good weed And I got really hungry But edibles, after about 1045 The hunger is just overpowering Especially if you worked out that day The hunger

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm always hungry at that time anyways That's when I get hungrier Anyways There's a couple different hungers There's like last time I got up And I ate three white peaches Before I went to bed And I go to bed

There's that type of hunger Then there's the hunger that maybe you have Three white peaches You have a tablespoon of peanut butter and maybe some water, you know, and some almonds. Then there's the fucking hunger where you just got to put a sandwich together, you know, with the worst possible things in the American cheese and fucking, you know, a boarshead ham.

There's nothing better than like a grilled cheese and ham. I love that, too. And that's the shit I fucking, you know, yesterday my wife was around. I was around the house lurking. And I said, do you want to go eat some? And she's like, yeah, but I'm sick and tired of these places around. And so we're trying to go, let's go to this place. and I ended up eating half a fucking steak and a sandwich

and I had the fries because I had to. I never fucking eat fries. I hate fucking all the fries around here in Calais. I hate him. My wife said to me, we haven't gone to five guys lately. I go, listen, I don't get the urge all the time to eat a burger, but when I do, I want a good fry.

And I fucking eat. Five guys is good. It's just expensive. I don't like the fucking fries. Really? I don't like the fries of Wendy's. McDonald's fries are fucking disgusting. They're like,

sugar sticks. You know, I want fries. I want like crinkle cut fries and a long. I forget about crinkle cut a lot. I love them. I'm a steak fry person. I'm a steak fry guy too. So I just stopped.

I just stopped. But yes, I had a breakdown. I had a couple of fries with the cheese steak. And it was pretty fucking good those fries. Were you higher? Were you just? Oh, I went to the strength and conditioning class. What are you in there?

And on the way out, the guys like, hey, man, I want to give you a present. I know you're a fellow. And he gave me 600 milligrams of this T8 C bar. Jesus. So there were 200 apiece, little things. So I gave one to my friend I trained with, and I blasted one. Then I had the other one at the house, and it was just sitting there all lonely on the desk. So about 11.30, I ate that motherfucker just to, you know, you don't want to eat one of anything.

You always want them to go down as a twin. Yeah, you don't want them to be lonely in there. And by fucking 2.30, I was losing my mind. And I had done those kettlebells, and, you know, I stretched, and I fucking jump rope when I got home. I was fucking, I always try to have a protein shake when I get home from all those things. but the edibles just fucking make you too hungry, too hungry, and we eat anything. Then I went to the mall last night.

I didn't eat. I had a protein shake. Do those help you? I have to start getting into that. I haven't really started the protein shake thing. It's like a meal replacement. But does it actually replace a meal? Fuck yeah.

It sits in there. Like I had one at 1.30. I'm good. Okay. You know, I put some ice cubes in the blender, some fucking water. I put a banana in that motherfucker. Because you've told me that even after our workout within 30 minutes. I should have protein.

I don't know any of that shit. You have like these little tears in your muscles. You want to rebuild those. That's what makes you stronger. Okay. There's those little tears. Every time you go, maybe next time you do two push-ups, maybe next time you do four years.

Yeah, your body gets used to the motion. But at the same time, you're building strength. All those little fiber muscles that you haven't used in 20 years and people haven't used in 10 years, you know. Right, yeah. So it's just, but that's it, man, just getting ready to go to Chicago, fucking great city. That's going to be fun.

It's, uh, Chicago is one of those cities. where you could really get lost and it's got so much culture. And, you know, it's a little like New York, but different. I've heard it's. I've always wanted to go to regularly. I've never been. Yeah, that's a great place too. Have you been?

Years, years ago. And that's it. Listen, I don't know what happened to me as far as the crowds are concerned. Like, we were talking about this at Rudy Sarzo when he came on. I just go to those things now. And I know this, like Dean Dowery and Bill Burr, went to see Steely Dan last week. And they said he was fucking great.

I love Steely Dan. Well, especially for baseball games, the problem is now that they're getting way too expensive. Way too expensive. Like, $40 a ticket? Way too expensive. Way too fucking much to walk. You know, too much drama. Once you get there, listen, I'm not cheap, but I don't want to feel like I'm getting raped.

Right. And that's how I feel at every fucking event now. You go to an airport, you feel like you're getting raped. I went to a hotel two weeks ago. I only had the palms and fucking room service. You know, it's, I want to have the option to eat like a fucking poor person. I don't want to eat the fucking palms' ass for nine fucking meals. Or I got to walk to that cheesecake factory.

Every time you go to cheesecake factory, there's a fucking line off the ass. Oh, it's always easy. And you know what I'm like about the cheese cream factory? Everything? They got 2,000 dishes. You can't be that good at all those dishes. Narrow it down to eat and let's get the fucking party started. All right.

Absolutely. What's up with you, cuck sucker? I'm just excited for, I've been working on Toronto. know. I'm really excited about that. But just trying to do something every day. Just trying to make myself a little bit busier and a little bit busier. And I'm going to judici tomorrow. I just last week didn't work out. So I'm going to make sure I go to the 12 o'clock class tomorrow, 1230 class. I went to last week's Thursday class. Now, Sons are very good teacher. I love a son. He's been right now. And he's teaching this thing called the Turtle, which you never think about it. Nobody teaches it. And you find yourself there. And it's pretty much the end of the match. Do you really find yourself there?

Yeah, sometimes that's where you go. You go to sweep and you don't get to sweep, but you try a sweep and go for the leg. And when you go for the leg, he blocks it, and there you are on the turtle. Okay. And now he's got you with your shoulder, whatever the fuck it is, a seatbelt.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got you in a seatbelt, and now you have nowhere to move. What he's teaching is how to grab the elbow, tuck it in, spin with the guy, pop a leg out, at least retain guard. It's shit that I had never seen done before or I had never learned about before.

And I went last week, and it was great, it's hot as fuck. So you're sweating puddles on the floor. Yeah. You could see where, you know, when you get up, you can see the grease from your fucking hair. At least I can see the gel in my hair. I love sweating. I think sweating is the best fucking thing. And when I'm doing it, I fucking love it.

And I hate when I miss a day of sweating because the next day I always feel like my sweaty is fucking. My sweat is stinky. Do you ever get pissed off at, like, the gym or maybe Jiu-Jitsu, if they have the AC on too high. Like I purposely, when I'm doing an elliptical, I'll find a machine. I have like three or four of them that aren't under the AC because, like, what's the point?

Well, under the AC sometimes it's just a fucking pain in the ass because that's the quickest way to catch an ammonia. Oh, I just want to sweat. Sometimes some people want to sweat, yeah. As you're sweating to have that air blown on you, it defeats the purpose. I like a fan. You do?

I like when a fan hits you. Like when a fan is oscillating, and it hits you when you're working out. So you know that you're getting something every four or five minutes. I like something like that better with room temperature. Just a breeze. Okay.

When you're breathing and you're confused and shit, just they got a breeze blown on you. I needed. I tried the stairmaster a couple weeks ago. That shit's hard. All that shit's hard. Like I had been doing the elliptical. I was like,

okay, this will be the same. But I could only do like 15 minutes of it. And I just start because it just constantly just stare after stair. It's not your arm, right? It's your leg. No, yeah. It's literally like a whole bunch of stairs just moving.

It's like just climbing up 100 flights of stairs. and it was just, I fucking died. So I did something a couple days ago, and it was really, I was going through shit, I was writing, I've been writing a lot later, I went to the laugh at you last night, and I've been telling you guys, I've been having a hard time on stage, and what the problem is, is that I have three jokes that are pretty good, but they're in transition.

Okay. Okay, and you can't pop them at the comedy store because there's always people there, they have these monster lineups, so it's very hard to work these obscure-type bits. But, I mean, just, Is it because you would feel self-conscious if you bombed and they were all doing well? You know, people go into the store to see a great lineup of comedy.

You know, you walk up to the store on a Tuesday, and you're like, how is it? And I sold out. You're like, fuck. I wanted to come up here and try material. I was hoping for 60 people just to fuck around and get like a range, you know. So last night I just got frustrated. I said, fuck it. I'm just going to write and just go out and do it.

And I don't give a fuck. So last night was the result. I went to the laugh factory with Joe and Tom Areira and Howie Mende. I was there. It was pretty neat. But the other day, I was going through my stuff, and I was going through some old paperwork, and I got an email from the fucking IRS or some shit.

Oh, Jesus. Like about a payment I made or a document about an attorney that I had. I had this crazy fucking attorney. When I first got separated, I got this fucking attorney who was basically like a white con man, and he was like corn fed. Like, you never see a corn fed white con guy. You always see con guys from the east

and they're slippery They got sharp hair in Miami This guy was like a very all-American con guy He was a horrible attorney And I paid him some money Then I had to put the rest of the payment On the American Express card Which I didn't pay but they paid him

And then I had to keep giving them like $500 a month Until I realized that he was a horrible, horrible attorney When I told him to fuck off That he had cost me my whole thing And at that time I was still throwing some blame on people And I paid him. You know, I reluctantly paid him. I put him on a payment program so he couldn't sue me

and worsen my credit than it all what he was. So I paid him like 25 bucks a month for like fucking six years. Jesus? I milked him until one day he called me himself and he goes, hey, I'm moving to Hawaii. I thought about what you said to me years ago. I didn't really represent you properly. Don't worry about paying me anymore.

And that went away. But I was always honorable that way. Like, I always believe, like, there's some people who go out of the way for you and to lend you money. And, you know, it was just, and as I was going through that, I thought of his name, Phil Dubois. Phil Dubois was my attorney when I got in trouble.

Okay, in Colorado? In Colorado. Okay. And Phil was the widest guy I had ever met at that time. Okay, when he, when I got a reference to him, when I got referred to him, and I went to that office, I was going to walk out of there and kill the guy that referred me to him and kill this attorney. Why?

Because this guy, you know, I grew up and my mom's attorneys and my stepdad's attorneys and I grew up and I saw how these wheeled dealers would talk to you. And this guy didn't talk to me that way. He spoke to me in a professional manner like he told me what his plan was. And I'm like, that's a horrible fucking plan. But little that I know that for the little amount of money I paid this guy, He really saved my life. Really?

What did he? In what way? There's times when you have an attorney and they sell you up. And it's not that they sell you out literally, is that you're part of a plan. You're part of three or four people in a criminal investor. If I have one criminal, that means I got three or four of them. Okay?

And let's say I specialize in drugs as an attorney. Okay. I have three or four drug attorneys. So I might have two clients. I'm just saying in Denver, one client in Boulder, and one client in Greeley. I'm just giving out specifics here, all right? Okay. I don't want somebody to call me and say, Joy, what do you?

No. So now, let's say I have Lee Syatt and I have Joe Diaz. Lee Syatt is a kilo player. I'm just throwing out things here. Very professional. I like it. Nobody, he got a bust. One of his salesman got caught, and he rolled on Lee.

Damn. And, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Lee's looking at, in reality, 16. years, but because Lee has money, and he went to a rehab, and he got letters from the community, he's got a business, and he's got children. Now the sentencing is up to the attorney. Okay. Up to the judge, yeah.

The judge and the probation department. So now you've got to get finders for the probation department. Now, people, let's say that I grew up in Boulder, and Mike, your case was in Boulder. All I got to do is make a few phone calls and go listen, Lisa, that's a good guy. da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da okay now Joey Diaz gets busted for a fucking armed robbery type thing makes the papers

guys in the trunk not a beautiful fucking story you know what I'm saying? Right he has Joe Diaz and he's got Lysayat now he calls the attorney the district attorney

so what do you want to do in plea bargains with uh so he'll work it he'll go Lysayat first Lysayat what are you looking at councilman or counselor and he'll go well I'm looking at maybe six years.

she is. He goes, fuck. No, nine. And that's how it starts. I got a commitment. Little commitments become big commitments. Now I work it backwards. How about eight? No, no, no, no, no. He got a kilo. He had been running in the criminal enterprise. You know, yeah, but the guy's also got kids, and he's also a pillar to the community. He's also coach Little League, and you didn't fucking know he was a fucking co-dealer then. So he did all this on his own fucking thing, okay? You don't want me to get those kids in court in front of the fucking judge? Do you? Do you? You want me to get 80 kids in there to tell how good of a guy? He did. He did all? He didn't. He He is, even though he was a drug deal, no.

Let's go for the seven and a fucking half, okay? Seven and a half non-vind. It's a deal. It's a deal to negotiate. Now, after the lease, I had to go, what are we going to do by Joey Diaz? What are we going to do about Joey Diaz? He got caught with a machine gun and he kidnapped some dude, and it's an armed robber. He's looking at 16 fucking years.

Let's pretend. Lee's paying me $40,000, and Joey's paying me $25. Who am I going to work harder for? Okay. So, I want to Lee to get a better deal than Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz kidnap somebody with a fucking machine gun. He gets what he deserves. How stressful is that for you as when you were being a, when you were a criminal, that it doesn't even really matter what you do. All that really matters in a way is how much money you have for a lawyer. Listen, here's what, all right, that's what the problem is.

That's why black people and Latino dominate the prison system. in numbers, okay? If you don't have money, but you also get great attorneys. You also get people like Paula that have pride. So let's say I have Paula, and I'm not paying. Usually the people that you don't pay are the people that do the best job for you.

They're hungry, yeah. Because they're working it from fucking heart. Right. They're working it from heart. So the whole time you're in somebody else's hands. The thing about Phil Dubois was he had a plan. This motherfucker had a plan. because that's what a lawyer does.

A lawyer looks at your case and has a plan. And his main plan was to flip the violence to prove I was nonviolent. I mean, he fought that tooth and fucking nail. Because everybody knows what you see. I don't know the whole breakdown of our attorney's lingo is what Paula would know it. Right. What you read and what you see are two different things and what people believe. And there's a word, perceive.

Right. Perception is another. attorneys have a thing and that's how they trick you. It's called perception. You know, you read what this guy, it's like when I write, I kick somebody in the fucking stomach. When I say to you, Lee, how about I kick you in the stomach and we giggle? When I write it down and you read it, don't look too fucking good. Right, and they know how to turn that around.

Or just leave some stuff out. Yeah, loosening the words. It's like when you see a trailer. Yeah, yeah. It's like when you see, do you ever see that episode on something about reviews? Like, the only review you see is astoundering. and accelerating. But the review is really astounding,

exhilarating for the first 30 minutes. I got the fuck out of there. You know what I'm saying? But they cut the rest of the review. That's all they need, yeah. And that's all they need. So you read what you want to read. The fine print tells you something else.

It's the same thing. So he could have sold me in. My name came out in the paper. Didn't really? Oh, fuck yeah. My name came out on the paper a couple times for that. I don't want to get into that. But what I'm trying to get into is

Okay. He was, he could have just sold me on. Because I've had attorneys before that have sold me. I know the feeling. What do you mean they sell you? Like they're just like, fuck, like they use you. Yeah, you're supposed to do this and they get you this. You know, when I got separated and divorced, that was the worst attorneys I ever had.

And then I finally got, what happened? Nothing. And then I finally got this crazy Jew. He wanted money. He wanted money. And thank God, I was working in the sports betting service. And I had a bunch of change. I made a bunch of change.

once December. And he wanted like $5,000 just to get the party started. Here I am broke, fucking living in a one bedroom, and I'm paying people $5,000, Lee. I'm dying inside. Every time you write the check? Every time I fucking wrote the check, I got dizzy. It wasn't even about the check.

It was just what they were charging me to talk to me on the phone. Every time something came up, they'd have to call me and charge me again. I was getting fucking $2,000 bills in the mail. Jesus. Finally, I wrapped it all up. I took a loan out. Right before I went belly up, I took a fucking loan out. I think I took the loan out for like 12-5.

I had an Accura and Tegra. It was a fucking mess. I mean, I was at the point of fucking death. I talked to people who are in debt. I got in debt to get into more debt. I figured out that when you get a credit card, they send you those blank checks. Yeah?

I took those blank checks, and I took those to the bank after midnight to a 24-hour teller. And I wrote them out for five grand, and they gave me the money. Discover found out that I was overdrafted on fucking Monday. But by that point, I already had the fucking cash. The money's gone. The money's gone. I was giving it to attorneys, you know, to see my daughter.

But the bottom line was the criminal attorney I paid off. Okay. I paid him off. The divorce attorneys, I milked them from 95. I think I made my last payment, maybe 99 with those fucking thieves. Jesus. I had two different fucking thieves. thieves, thieves.

Here I was living in a fucking car making $300 payments to one fucking guy, but I was living in a car on fucking sunset. And there's just no way that's what it costs. Well, what can I do? Take them to court and say they didn't do the fucking job, and that would have cost me another 10 fucking thousand.

I would have had to get my comedy game. I would have spent half my life in fucking Denver, you know, flying back and forth. That's expensive, man. Hell yeah. It was like when I was paying that child support, I was paying $6.35. month. What was I going to do?

Fucking petition the court? That's another $10,000. Yeah. Now I don't pay child support and it gets tacked on to the fucking principal. You know, I went through hell in those times. People talk about being broke. You have no... There's a dim between being broke and and having the walls at your door. Right, yeah. It's the in between being broke and having people calling you up

every 15 minutes. I was telling my wife the other, and I remember going to go into comedy clubs. And after 20 minutes, the manager of the comedy club handed me the phone saying, it's somebody on the phone for you. They got a movie deal. And me going to and hello, and they're like, hey, it's Acme fucking collections. You never sent us to check for $69.

And then when I didn't send us the check for $69, I would get to my favorite places and my friends would go here. Somebody called from Acme Collections. You know how embarrassing that is when your fucking friends tell you that? You just got a call here at the bar where you hang out from Acme Collections. It was, I couldn't answer my phones.

At the house. Letters, piles. I mean, I went under deep, and here I am paying these fucking motherfuckers. But to get back to Phil Du Bois, I paid him, and we communicated for about a year or two.

And when I got separated, he was friends with her family. Okay. So he was very cold to me. I had a prom once, and I called him. When I smacked my ex's boyfriend, I called him,

and he didn't want to get involved. Oh, okay. I go, you're the best attorney. I know, why won't you get involved? He goes, I'm through with this. And he hung up on me, and that was it. He didn't talk to me.

I never talked to him again. but I always felt that I owed him even an extra thank you so the other day when I'm going through my thing I typed up his name and there his number came and I answered

and as usual he fucking answered the goddamn phone he's always answered his own phone is he still a lawyer? He's still a lawyer and I told him that this was a voice from the past but I just want to take the time out

to thank him I told him what my name was and he's he remembered and I said I just wanted to thank you you because I didn't want you to think that all that work you had done was in vain. You know, I didn't want you to think that, you know, I was out still doing blow or whatever. And this email made you do this.

You hadn't been thinking about it. No, no. I just called them and just said this is, I really think that you should know this. I really think that you saved my life because you could have taken the first plea bargain of nine years. And I would have never got out of there. I would have never got out. What would have happened in there? You would have killed somebody?

No, but nine years, you never got out of that. You never get out. Nine years straight. I would have gone out of 27 and got out of fucking 36. Yeah. You don't recover from that beating at that age. I come out to do drugs and sell drugs. There's nothing I'm going to do.

I'm dead inside at that point. But he really fought for me. And he fought fucking hard, you know, and he tried his artist, man. What is it like when you're going through that, like, trial process? Like, the only thing I can even think it might be similar to is, waiting to hear back from colleges in a way. Like you're just sitting there and you know what's coming at some point

and there's no one you can call to find anything out from and your whole life is depending on it. Is it like stressful? Do you not even worry about it? Like what are you going through? I was worried. I was fucking worried the whole, you know, I stayed out on the street for nine fucking months and six of those months I lost some sleep

at night. You know, I remember the situation I was involved in. You forget the situation. I go out to dinner with you. You make me laugh. You eat some medables. We go see Mad Max, we giggle, we go get a slice of pizza. And then when I get home and I look at my mail, there's a letter from my attorney. I'm like, fuck, there's something hanging over your head. You know what it's like to live with something hanging over your head?

Not that serious. Okay, now there's different levels of things hanging over your head. Yeah. There's minute things. You've got to drop a paper off or, you know, you have a deadline on Friday for a fucking term paper. Those are minute things. When you have to go in for surgery or your parent has to go in for surgery or, you're waiting for results of a biopsy from your family or, you know, you're waiting to go to prison,

you're waiting to hear your sentence, you're waiting to hear what happens in this, you know, you live your life with this fucking weird anguish, like, you know, like it's twisted. You're waiting on something. You're fucking waiting on something. You're waiting on something. So you have two options. You could let that weight weigh on you, or you could keep moving forward and keep doing what you're doing. a lot of people sit there waiting for that wait to land on, to sit there and say, well, I can't do nothing because I'm still, no, you got to do what the fuck you're doing.

And I was one of those people. I'm waiting on there. There's nothing to wait on it. There's nothing to wait on. It's like when you tell somebody to listen, I got a job. You know, like, Lee says going to get me a job at Disney. I'm on the waiting list.

Well, while you're waiting, you're waiting, you still got to put fucking food in the table. Right. Was it, what did it feel like when you heard that you were guilty? Was it even just, you were just happy to have it be over? Or were you, like, were you sad even more? No, I find that on a Friday. I was going to go to jail on a Monday.

And I just made sure I was in the best weekend of my fucking life. Really? Yeah, because there was a probability. And I knew and I didn't know. The sad thing in life is when you know what your options are and you don't want to do it more. You know what the answer is, but you're, you know, you're fucking pussy footing around it.

Right. You know what the fuck the answer is. I knew I was going to fucking prison. I was going to prison for that or for all the sins I had done. But one way another, I was going to end up in prison. Right. That's the scariest reality, people.

I've always, listen, I'm not negative and I'm not positive. I'm a motherfuckering realist. Okay? You're 5'4'6, you're 110 pounds, you jump fucking 10 inches off the floor, you're going to a division two college to play fucking basketball. You're going to make it to the pros? You might make it, you might not.

You might make it through a lot of heart. But where you endure all those years, like Spud Webb? I mean, what, you know what, you know what? You know what, you know what, you know what, you know what, you have to make? Am I invested in this? You know, there's different decisions we have to make. Do you stress it a lot now? Because, I mean, I've known you for like four years, and I know you get mad about some things,

but I don't really, I don't really, I think I'd have ever seen you or heard you talk about being stressed about something. Maybe mercy. I used to be stressed. When I was a young man, I used to always be a man with stress. Should I get you tissue? Sorry about that, people. The allergies out here. I was always stressful.

From the ages of... Fuck, what happened to our box of tissues? I think it was over. From the ages of 15, even before my mom passed, to 24, I was a stress machine. I asked questions, why? How? How come? You know, one day I was like, what does it matter?

What does it fucking matter? And I didn't know. I used to be very... I would lose... sleep at night. Excuse me, I went to a doctor and he told me. He talked to me like, and it was a psychiatrist. He was a family

doctor that was a little older and just sat me down and said, I got time. What bothers you? Give me three of the things that bother you. My future, this, that. And he goes, you don't have to worry about anything of that. Think about it. What are you worried about that shit for?

I was like, it was like he fucking took the fucking blinders off my eyes. There's so many unnecessary things we as Americans think about and worry about that they don't affect our life in any way. But for some reason, we think that affects us. Right. And there's things that we like to make believe affect us so we get some sort of attention. Right.

Well, like, that's a sort of thing for me. I try not to get mad. Like, if a flight gets canceled, as long as the people there are polite. there's not really anything I'm going to be able to do about that. Where I'm bad is I'm always looking forward. So I'm always like 10 years down the road, five years down the road, six months, and that's what I get nervous about.

That's what I used to do. What am I going to be doing in 10 years? And next thing you know, I'm pacing and I'm fucking crying. Yep. I'm 21. What the fuck do you need to worry about 10 years, three years, five years, or two years. Just worry about your plan for the next six months at 21.

And once I did that, I started making little strides. And this was way before I met Jim Handy. I just talked to that doctor, and that doctor said to me, what are you worried about? This, this, this, this wall. You were going to school now, right? Yeah, what are you taking? Six credits a semester.

You're halfway there. It's going to take you eight years to get a degree. Yeah, but what in three years? What am I going to do when they're going to? What are you worried about it for? It's got nothing to do with your burying or what you're doing right now. I had coffee with Josh Wolf this morning, and it's very interesting that that's the same kid I sat across 17 years ago

talking about our fears and our hopes and what we wanted in L.A. And you look at this guy now, and he's calm. We were in a rush to go nowhere. Right. We were in a fucking, we were sprinting in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a, in a fucking distance run. Oh, like it's a marathon. We were sprinting in a,

marathon. Oh, okay. And that type of sprinting, that type of your nose is always. Hi, Joey, we have, you know, yesterday I got to call to do the podcast festival. 20 years ago, 30 years ago, I would have stressed out about that right now. Oh my God, I have Vegas. I like to do the festival. If I don't do the festival, what's going to happen to my, me and the festival? You know what? Nothing's going to happen. Right. Nothing. It's so, it's like we're waiting for this bomb to drop. We stay in our homes. It's like 2 YK, what was that? Why 2K? How old were you in 2YK? What if 15 years ago? So you were 12?

Yeah, I was 12, 13 years. When you went to bed that night, did you say a Jew prayer? No, I wasn't worried about it. Did you look at your banking care? I didn't have a bank account. Well, a lot of people did. A lot of people went to bed very scared and opened up their windows next day and they looked around like I am legend. Yeah. That they were going to be the only people left in the fucking world. And what happens? Nothing. There's a really, there's something that, you know, I hate telling people that I've learned stuff from movies.

but sometimes a writer has a message and it could be in a book it could be in a movie I mean anytime somebody writes something good there's really a message in there if you really fucking think about it whether it's the exorcist or the godfather or

what the fuck was I saying all about a message and there's a in the thief there's a story when he's telling Tuesday well about a situation and how he got himself worked up and the whole thing and the next day when they released him from that thing He goes, you know what happened?

Nothing. Nothing at all happened. It was like, but here I worked myself up, and that's what I used to do. Yeah. I used to work myself up before I'd go to bed about the day before. I was the king of that. I was the king of that. Like analyzing what you said and what you did?

No, analyzing the next day before it even happened. You know, I'm going for an interview. That shit used to drive back crazy. Yeah. You know, it's funny how I still get tweets from people, hey, Joey, I'm going on an interview. Wish me luck. Those are the first people I wish luck.

Because I know how I felt when I was 20 and 21 going into those things. What did it feel like, Lee? The end of your world. You don't know how to deal with the other side yet. When you get out of college and you go on these job interviews and they call you in for two interviews, and you don't get the job, you really feel disappointment it the first time you hear no.

The nose start to not sting as much. It's like getting smacked in the face. If I smack you 15 times a day after 30 days, you're going to go, Joey, you better start smacking me dirty because I don't feel these 15. Right. The only issue that with a job interview is, like it's a little bit different from prison in a way,

is that a lot of times you just don't hear. So that's, I used to get stressed out about that too. There you go. Because you'll leave the interview and it's the only thing in your head. So, but for them, They're doing 10 more interviews and they have four meetings that day. So it's, you always, you always think you're more important than you are. Not even like, not like they have a big ego, but it's just like everything in your life is the most important thing.

But to everyone else, it's way down the list. They have their whole life to deal with. I used to live with a kid in this town for a few months in between girlfriends one time. He had lost his girlfriend. I had lost my girlfriend. And I would listen to him in the mornings. He was from the East Coast, and he would call his mom up every morning

and discuss the audition. And he was terrible. He was terrible. He doesn't even live in L.A. no more. I don't even think he's in the business. I mean, usually people can keep you in contact. He's gone. I always start by calling your mom and your uncles and your friends.

You put too much pressure on yourself. Like for me and my world, that's too much pressure. So now I switch it. I switch it to a kid like yourself that calls their mom and go, Mom, you're not going to believe this. You know, because just last Thanksgiving at fucking, supper, Grandma said to you, why don't you live in Connecticut with us?

You know, we have the Penn Factory. You're out there in L.A. with those fags running around, getting the sun. You know, that's how the East Coast people's mentality is. And all of a sudden, they're like, you know, come over here. So now you've got this job. You're going in for your third interview. You're going to call mom and prove to her that. You know what, Mom, maybe I don't need grandma.

Yeah. I stopped doing that, though. There you go. What are we discussing here? Not only because you don't need to call. anymore, but I used to call and then if I didn't get the interview, like I feel bad. So like now I've gotten to the point where I don't tell people almost anything until it's definitely going to happen.

Well, you learn because the first three interviews, you'd call everybody. And then when you don't get nothing, there's disappointment. Yeah. You start questioning your degree. Why did I put four years into this fucking degree? You know, you read somewhere that if you have that type of degree, you know, those careers are down 33%. when you should know in the bottom of your heart

that all those numbers don't meet a fucking thing. They're always looking for somebody good. There's always looking for somebody with heart. All those numbers used to detract me, and that's all they are. There's numbers to detract you. You know, I got an email a couple months ago. You need to talk to Lee, to talk to Paul and tell her to switch.

You got that email. Didn't you to switch careers? Oh, yeah. Law is nothing. Listen, yeah, okay, I'm sorry. A million fucking lawyers are good. But you know what? individuals vary.

And some guy might get out and go right into a firm and fucking rock and roll. And some guy might get out and be a Humpty Dumpty. It's definitely harder now. What do you feel about astronomy? Because I have this guy who is like a family friend who will take your birthday. And no, I swear to God. And he does like bad in good cycles. And there's a bunch of people that I know who really believe in it.

And I got a call from one of them. last week and apparently according to him in 2017 I'm gonna hit a bad cycle for a couple years and I for like four or five hours I was like oh shit what should I do? And then I was high and then you were like

maybe in two years I might have to move and then it was just like I was high and I was freaking out about it and then I was like you know what man I can't like what if? And then I started thinking like what if I went back to editing and then in two years you get a TV show that I would have been on who knows but it's just like

like hearing it almost live your life it's worse knowing yeah nobody and let's get this fucking straight nobody can predict your fucking future you don't think so no one nobody nobody nobody could predict your future astrology numerology santorea the dude down the corner listen that's the beautiful thing about your future there's going to be peaks and there's going to be valleys. Yeah. Trust them, Tony.

There's going to be days, man, when you're going to think about the time you paid $44 for that steak. That's how broke

you're going to be. You're going to remember a specific date where you took a friend of yours out and you paid $80 for a stake.

You're going to go, fuck, I wish I had that 40 back right now. That motherfucker fucker. There's going to be peaks and valleys in this life.

Yeah. There's things you could do as a human being to keep your percentages up. Right. There's things you could do,

Listen, I've been hungry and I've had too much in the refrigerator to eat. I know both ways. I grew up with money and then I went, you know, I hustled myself for a few years and then I decided to get into this career. And I got to tell you something, it was the hardest first 10 years I ever had. Thank God for the friends I have, a little bit of backbone than I have, and a little bit of thievery that I have and larceny, extra larceny jeans. I made it somehow or another.

Like Bobby said, If you came to me right now and go, my son wants to get into this, I know that it's a struggle. But anything you choose in this life, there's going to be a struggle. Whether you're a writer, whether you're a poet, you know, okay, so you go edit tomorrow. Okay, and you go back to editing and they give you $22 an hour and you work 40 hours a week. And then after six months, they get bought by Warner Brothers, and they have to let go six editors. Is that the peak of valley that he's talking about?

Then he's going to call you up and say, I predicted this. No, you're a fucking jerk off. I'm telling you as a man. I'm telling you as a man that you're not going to live your whole fucking career, your whole life without a downfall. It might be financial. What about if it's emotionally?

Yeah. Okay? When you're talking about a person, do you think you're always going to be happy with Paula? Do you think you're always going to be happy with your mother? Do you think you're always going to be happy with life and where you live and your situation in life? life.

Yeah. No, we're all going to have peaks and valleys at different fucking times. I wonder if that's something bad, not bad about me, but when I heard you're going to have a bad cycle, I immediately went to money. I wonder what that must say something. You know, listen, man, you have parents that are getting older. Yeah. God forbid, God forbid. It's one of them that has bad health.

That's three years of bad health. Knock out wood always. Things are going to happen in this life. All right, they hit you? Yeah. You have their initial shock. Listen, I don't give a fuck how tough you are. I don't give a fuck.

If you've been shot more than Tupac, I don't give a fuck if you never love nothing and you've never been brokenhearted, when you get bad news emotionally, it takes a couple days to fucking recover for that bad news. And I tell you what, man. It's just, you can either pay me now or you can pay me later.

I give you bad news, you go home, you smoke a joint, you have a drink, whatever it takes you to digest it. I don't care if you got a call on Monday and Tuesday, you don't go to work. You go to the gym, you break it down on your head, you deal with what's in front of you, and then you have a plan to attack it.

And that's what I've learned from this fucking life right now. I'm no better than you. You're a college educated. There's a thousand people who listen to this, that are college educated. They're all going to tell you, it doesn't take a psychic to tell you, you're going to have peace in the valleys.

Listen, I hope your life is beautiful. I hope you never have any suffering or any pain in your life. life that you know I've had pain in my life have I suffered I could tell you I said no I didn't you know what suffering is being McCain getting tortured in the cave and Donald Trump goofing on you that's fucking suffered all right a bunch of Chinese people smelling like soy sauce living around you're fucking smelling torturing you telling you D.D. Mao you got to put a gun in your mouth that's suffering okay you know thinking about your family somebody kidnapping your child you know that's fucking

suffering okay you know what these kids live through when they get molested that's fucking suffering. Me, my mom dying, who the fuck are you? I was always a piece of shit, but I adjusted and you adjust. You know, let's get down to it. When I went to prison, that was no fucking big chink off my fucking armor. That was no big chink. I knew I was going to go to prison. I always knew it was in my cards. It was in my fucking cards. The divorce and the baby, as a man, it emotionally fucked me up. It emotionally fucked me up in two ways. Emotionally fucked me up with my daughter and that love, that love has to go somewhere, and it fucked me up in the emotion of trust.

I inflicted so much trust in this woman. Shame on me. Shame on me. Shame on me. Shame on me. For having that much trust? Shame on me. Shame on me from the world that I came from

to have that much trust in somebody that they were going to do the right thing. But I was addicted on cocaine. I didn't pay attention, and I got what I fucking had coming to me. but it was never going to happen to me. I won't get fooled again. How long to take you to recover from it? And guess what? And guess what?

When I called in February and said, call me back and she called me back and spoke to me, I got tricked into it again. I was very nice to it. I apologize. That's the type of personal anger, but I'm apologizing because of this podcast. I'm apologizing because I have responsibility

to you guys and I talk about this shit. This is the only reason why, because if I didn't do this podcast and I was still an animal, I wouldn't. I would have told her to suck my dick. But I got to work hard and out because I got to preach this shit.

I got to talk this shit with you motherfuckers. So I took a call and I was very polite to it. Guess what she did again to me? She shit on my fucking face. Right. So you live and you learn. You have peaks in valleys in this life. Everybody.

Everybody, whether you're rich, poor. I don't care how fucking rich you are. Maybe God will give you $20 million, but you're going to have a one-inch dick. What would you rather have a six-inch dick and be poor? Somebody's always going to suck. your dick. Nobody wants to suck a one-inch dick unless you got $20 million in the fucking back. That would suck. I don't have a one-inch dick. How long did it take you to recover? Like, that's a pretty bad valley. Like, how long did it take you? Let's be honest with ourselves. You

never recover. Really? I think you just put dirt over it and fuck with it. And then what happens is it stings less and less every month. But this went on with my ex-door, my ex-9-5. It's 2005, 20 years later. And, yeah, I think about it from time to time, and I get agitated. But I think about it four times a year where ties a nut in my stomach, and it beats me down for a few hours. Really? Yeah, but I know how to pick myself up.

I've been in darker places. Do you think the same goes for good things? Like, then do you ever stop feeling good about, like, the longest yard, for example? Or does it just keep getting, like, less and less? Because it seems to me that sometimes, the good things fade a lot quicker than the bad things do, but maybe they don't. Maybe they're just a little bit less. I can't lie to you.

I think about the good things, but I also keep some of the bad things in mind to keep me aware of how fast things could change in your life. Yeah. You know, I spoke to somebody at four in the afternoon, and at three in the morning, never dead. So I always want people to keep everything like that in mind. You have to keep that close. Not too close.

I don't want you walking around well. my cat's going to die in eight years. It's like people who think like that, you know. Oh, my God, my cat's eight. What do they have left seven years? They're going to die in seven years. Well, we'll deal with it in seven fucking years. But right now, all you can do is just grasp what's in front of you.

Right. You know? But I'm happy I call that, dude. I'm happy I thanked him. What did he say? Did he? He was really happy. In fact, he emailed me on my website, so that means he checked me out after I called him.

Oh, wow. And he said it was really nice to talk to him. And what was weird was that his son was involved in the college. film program now. And he goes, that's amazing that he's doing that, so I wish you all the luck. He goes, the phone call meant a lot. Sure it did. Sure it did, because the work you put into it, I never forgot.

You know, I never fucking forgot. And what did he, like, what was his, was it the violence plan that he did that saved your life? What did he do that saved it? Let me tell you what he did? Honestly, as a man, he fought for me. Something that very few people have ever done. He fought for me as a white dude. which white people like that never fight for you.

They always think of what they have to lose before they fight for you. You know, those are the type of people that when you go up to them and say, hey man, I said this and I got fired, they'll say, okay, and they turn their back on you because they can't, God forbid, they lose their job. Right, yeah. He didn't look at it that way. That's what I'm trying to say. He didn't care about his other clients.

He didn't like this district attorney he went up against. I forget what the district attorney's name was. I mean I bumped into a, I bumped into a, him into a supermarket and he was also a super gentile but he broke down my life to me in a way that I had never heard it before and the man wasn't lying he said you've been chucking and jiving all your life

it's time you pay the piper and I looked at him with a black you know with a fucking maloogai I wanted him to get hit by a truck I wanted him to get hit by a truck but that's that saying hit home that I was chucking and jiving and people do it all the time people chuck and jive their life or what

whether it's in comedy many comedians you know that you look at They don't write, and they do it for pussy, and you look at them and you're like, oh, you're 28, but then you see them 10 years later, and now they're 48, and they're still chucking and jiving, they really haven't gotten them, but they chucked and jive themselves into a circle. I would chucking my jive.

I was chucking and jiving myself into a circle. I was going to be in the same fucking circle. You know, I was never going to move forward, because I was a chucking jive, you know, just give me the 20 now, we'll take care of it. There's always a chuck and jive. it's a lot easier than making your own money or working harder. Yeah, it's a lot easier.

So, you know, but I'm happy I call them, man. That's really cool. It's funny. I talked to a friend of mine yesterday who's down the Jersey Shore. And I said, have you talked to my other buddy? And he goes, no. I go, call him because he's down there. I spoke to him a week or two ago, and he told me the dates,

and I'm really good with dates. He's down there. He goes, no, he's not. He works all the time. I go, I'm telling you, he's down there, he's got his daughter. And you got your daughter, and they get along. Today he calls him his room. He goes, from 2,000 miles away, you put us together.

That's fucking brilliant. Because I talk to the both of them. And I talk to these guys primarily because the one guy turned me out to David Letter. Really? I used to go to his house late night, and he feed me at night. We talk about comedy. We do a couple blasts. And then I talk to him all the time.

We giggle about everything. You know, he's a serious dude, but I get him giggling. He doesn't have any kids. He's not married. He's still a stoner. And the other guys are married. you know, fucking solid, don't do drugs.

He's Mercy's Godfather. Oh, I met him. James, yeah, James, and so they bumped him. But I talked to James because, oh, my God, there was so many times I used to go home to do comedy. At Rascals, I was getting $300 for the weekend, and James would put me up two of the nights. I never wanted James to feel that he put me up those two nights,

and I didn't do nothing with him. That's the most important thing to me. I always want anybody who put themselves off of me to know that they put themselves out for me, man, but I gave it 150 fucking percent. Are you making a way through like a list, or it just comes to you somebody like, oh, this person? Sometimes I have a list.

I don't have a list. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not like my name is Earl. I don't have a list, but I do have... I forgot about that shit. Yeah, that's a great fucking show. I do have... First day I showed up to the show, I wore a pot shirt.

Really? You had a pot shirt? I had a pot shirt from... There was a pot store. on Sunset that had a great shirt. It was like a shirt with a leaf and a heart on it. And it was tan, and it was short sleeve, and it was fucking just comfortable.

The cotton was great. And I put it on one time in a fucking bind that it was just a great shirt. And the first day I ever shot, my name is Earl. I was like, fuck, I put this shirt on it. I go down there. Oh, my God. People came out of the woodwork, and they were like, hey, man. They've all given me high-fiance.

Everybody was a stone around that show. I can see that. What are we talking about? All list. Yeah. It's not as much as a list as a personal. I know who really was my friend all those years. You know, like, and it breaks my heart.

It would have breaking my heart if I would end up in jail. Like, when I went to prison, I know James was just, you know, Joe Rogan always asked me, you know. I go, the last thing I wanted was somebody coming up to Joe Rogan and saying, you see, we were right. He's nothing but a junkie. and Joe wouldn't have had a leg to argue with. Joe would have never had a leg to argue with.

I'm so happy I don't do drugs because I didn't embarrass Joe and I didn't embarrass my wife. I never wanted somebody to go up to Jones and say, see, see, we told you he was nothing but a fucking junkie. We told you, you know, that's always been big in my life, proving people wrong, and then repaying the people that had my back during that whole thing. You know, that kid that I told you that I called him, he's single. Mike, when I first got accused of robbing the Ligio house, I called Mike up like a man. And he goes, tell me the truth that you're robbed. And I go, no, not at all.

And he goes, all right, cool. Well, I'll take care of this. You know, I called the captain of the police that time. I had grown up in my house. I had grown up in his house. I used to go eat chili, his chili with his kid all the time. When I first got accused of robbing Ligio, I called him up. I said, this what's going on.

I robbed a lot of places. I'm not telling you I'm going to Nesente here. What I'm telling you is I didn't rob that place. and because I made that call they fucking believe me. Really? Because I looked you in the eye and go, listen, I've done a lot of bad things.

A lot. We'll take a walk if you want later. But that thing they were accusing me in, I had nothing to do with that. It would have been easy for them to not believe you, too. Like, have you ever had anybody who you've apologized to not want to talk to you? Oh, yeah.

Really? Oh, fuck, yeah. There's a kid who came out here recently. What I say recently was about three years ago. Facebook was already kicking, maybe four years ago. because he contacted me on Facebook. He said he was going to be in town.

He wrote his number down. And then we spoke. And he was a guy that accused me of robbing him at a party one night. Now he's a rich guy. But he still does drugs. He's got a wife. He's got a mistress out here. That's why he comes out of here, Russian mistress.

Jesus. And he called me up. He goes, I'm coming to the improv. I'll see you tomorrow night. I went down to that night. And, you know, sometimes I go down to L.A., and, you know, I get down there, I park. I walk in.

maybe you're sitting down, I walk in, I get off stage. If I get off stage and I don't see somebody immediately that I know, I walk the fuck out and I go to my car. You know that. And then as I'm going up Laurel Kaine, I'm like, oh my fuck, Paul and Lee were there. I swear to God, it happens all the time

because I'm in my mind from my set, what I'm saying, I'm thinking about tomorrow. Thank God I got over with this set. Just when I get home. You just want to get home. And I remember on the way home, I said, Jesus, I didn't fucking see him. And I went on, I went to see him.

The next day I woke up, and sure enough, on Facebook, he sent me a message. He goes, I thought about going to see you, and then I thought about what you did to me. And I didn't want to be around you. Fuck you or something like that. Man, did I get mad? Fuck, no. I've lived around for 30 years, but I give a fuck now. Yeah.

But I didn't rob him either. Oh, you didn't? No, that was at a party. I had left. And then, like, a week later, somebody came to me and said, you know, he's accusing you're robbing an eight ball. He lost an eight ball that night. I didn't rob his eight ball. Like a month later, we were at a bar, and we were talking about football,

and he picked a fight with me. He would have killed me. He was a strong fucking guy. He would have beat the fuck out of me. And then I didn't see him again after that. I didn't see him for 15 years, 10 years, 12 years out of high school. And then I went to the hospital. My friend had a kid, and when I went to the hospital, he was there with somebody else.

And we kind of talked, and I remember he wanted to talk to me, but in the middle, he remembered. He's like, okay, I got to go. And I was like, all right, fuck him. And my friend said, what happened? I go, dog, he's still mad from 1980. Jesus. And then I saw him at a, he hit me up on Facebook that night. And when he hit me up on Facebook, I was really weird that he had hit me out.

When you first started podcasting, were you worried about talking about all this stuff? Because it seems like your bad reputation could follow you and you're being extremely open about it. So, like, sometimes I'll think about something I don't want that. What if I didn't talk about it? it and these guys would have called in one day. What if I didn't talk about it? And one day somebody would have went on Twitter and said, while you guys are laughing at his jokes,

this guy robbed my house, or why you guys fucking are laughing at his joke, this guy hit me in the head or robbed my fucking drugs? What would you guys do then? What would you do then? I came to a point where I had forgotten all about this. Half the pain I had was the shit I did. Half of it was all rolled up

in the embarrassment I had and the fucking, And meanwhile, I'm going up on stage every night. I'd forgotten about that lifestyle. And just about the time after the longest yard was when I stepped back into this. And I started writing the blog. And I wrote from the beginning, because that's what it hit me. I go, I got to put this shit out there.

And I would tell different people, different stories. How do you forget those stories? I never hid anything. I didn't go out there and boast it because I know some people cannot deal with an ex-felon, and I don't even look at it that way. But I knew, like my friends knew, Rogan knew, Ari knew, you know, Duncan knew. A couple people fucking knew.

I'm not going to take it from them. They knew I was a druggie. You know, it all adds up. And then you're on the road with people, and people open up to you. Late night, hey, man, there was a kid in my neighborhood that we lit on fire one time. No shit, there was a kid in my name. And then people go, fucking these stories are gold. And I'd be embarrassed.

You don't think I was embarrassed telling these stories? People come to me. You know, I remember sitting down with George. In like 92, in Boulder, we were talking one day. No, it was when he lived with me in Colorado in 87. And he goes, after you left, I bumped into friends of yours. They told me some shit that was disappointing. And I go, what they say, let's get it over with.

And I told them, it's like, this is interesting shit. So I always knew there was something behind this. What do I have to hide? Can you imagine if you lived your life and not said none of this shit? If I wouldn't have told you my mom's that done drugs If I didn't tell you that happened How can you live your life hiding this? You'll never make it

You'll never make it How can I live my life telling your story And it's half a fucking line I'll never make it Oh I didn't kidnap the guy I was just in the room looking around the window I'm not that type of person How would you fucking take it?

So in my mind I got it out there Before you heard something on your own That wasn't true or something stupid Were I get out ahead of it? Why the fuck? What do you want me to tell you that when I robbed that jury store? I didn't want to be there?

You want me to tell you that I have to drop drug dealers I robbed? I robbed because I was addicted to coke. I was addicted to coke. When I woke up, I woke up sober. I woke up sober. Well, I mean, there's that, but there's also, and I've started thinking about it a lot. It's getting to be that there's a hack topic for podcasts.

Like, there's topics that if you bring up on podcasts, they're kind of like hacking now. And you could have just done like a, like a sex podcast or like just goofing around like oh what is your process what comedy clubs do you like there's podcasts out there that are like that and that are pretty popular so you could have had a successful podcast probably what getting somebody in here and having him lie to me and me lie to him that's successful no it wouldn't it wouldn't be like this I'm saying yeah I'm at the comedy club going look at this fucking guy on stage right he's a fucking scumbag when I first thought about the idea

podcasting. And I first saw what Rogan was doing. I thought it was pretty fucking interesting. But again, I knew that it wouldn't last if you just went on there and did radio type shit. So, what's the new joke you're talking about? Well, I'm talking about

fucking zebras. I took my zebra to the fucking, get the fuck out of here. Where my mail with this purchase is, all right? and I thought about all that stuff you know I just when I got into the podcasting I wanted to tell my story from the beginning

on Beauty and the Beast from the early beginning in New York City just what I remember just at that time I was doing a lot of writing I was just finding out I'm maybe I should write a one-man show and I was just doing little fucking thoughts here and then I said let me start writing a blog

and every Monday I wrote a different chapter of my life but I wrote it in order you know when I was in it This happened when I was 10. This happened when I was 13. This happened when I was 15. And listen, I'm ashamed about a lot of the stuff I did. Listen, I robbed seven or eight houses that I should have never robbed.

Why? I mean, you shouldn't rob any house, you think? Like, why those seven or eight? Well, there was like seven or eight houses that I got into that I should have never been into. Let's just say that. Okay. Do I feel guilty today? Very guilty.

I would lie to you if I said Fuck them I don't give a fuck about them No No it's not in my nature That would be fucking terrible But there's a lot of things I did That yes I feel fucking horrible

I think I've discussed them on here Things that I remember You know a couple homes that I robbed And I knew the people indirectly And I was mad at them For things that had happened And instead of confronting them My way of getting back at them

Was to rob them You know is everything all right Do I got the cookie shit I'm just high as fuck You don't want to almost be like a sociopath if you didn't feel bad for some of them. You know, there were some people that I turned out their lights, but they should have never got involved in drugs.

You know, things happened to people for a reason. Every movement, every fucking movement sometimes, you know? What I got from it, they took something from it. Okay. There was this dude I clipped. This guy was a scumbag. He was a fucking harmless fucking weasel, Northbury. And he thought he was cute.

And that was the time that everybody thought they were cute. Cocaine dealers everybody was cute and cracking jokes. And one night he got even cuter with me. And I knew he was associated with these dudes, but I knew these dudes weren't going to cover. Not at that time. I was hanging out with this kid, Darren Rago. I was hanging out with six or seven kids, Mike Roney,

that if we fucking went to war with you, you were going to fucking feel it. And I wasn't a tough guy, by no means. But Mike Roney would live and die for me. That was my brother growing up. You know. And Darren. Darren, you know, you just give him a Coke rock and watch that motherfucker go.

You know, there was a Joey Falado. There was, you know, Roger Holloway was crazy in those days. You had people that, when it was time to get down, there'd be bottles flying, you know. Roger Holloway wasn't a tough dude, but he'd fight you until your fucking head fell off or something. You know, Roger Holloway was sticking out all fucking night with you. I wasn't a tough guy. But I knew that when I robbed him, it was going to be a repercussion, but the dude knew, because of my friends, I knew they weren't going to attack me.

And I remember for years. I mean, I robbed this guy the summer of 82. I bumped into him in 85 at a bar, and he was like, man, after you robbed me, my whole world turned around. Until the end, I kept saying, dog, go away from me. I did not fucking rob you. Because he blamed it on one of my friends, and then eventually he found out it was me.

He blamed that on one of my friends, but he never really fucking knew. So I committed to know the whole time. Even until today, I tell him, What are you talking about? I tell you the truth because we're giggling here. Why didn't you rob people like 20, 30 minutes away? Like, it seems like it would be dangerous to rob people in your neighborhood.

Well, I wasn't robbing people in my neighborhood. I was robbing drug dealers. Well, yeah. Well, yeah. Secondhand. Like, I'd bump into you. You live in Sherman Oaks. Right.

And you go, oh, my God, you want to do a blast? Yeah. Where'd you get this? So I got this new fucking dude in Sherman Oaks, a little Chinese dude. Let's go over there. As soon as we went to his place. Yeah, I went there to buy. I got to check everything out.

Some places I just want to check out just to run my mind, just to see if I could break in there, in my mind. How can I get into this guy's house? There was a lot of places I couldn't get into, but there was a lot of places I could get into. And when you just play them, you just play drug dealers. You know, you just went over there, bought coke from them and see when they slipped up.

Some of them don't slip up. Some of them do slip up. Some of them will hide coke. It's really fucking weird once you get to know these people. once you get to know these fucking savages. Would there ever be like an undercover cop who would try to bait thieves and like be sloppy on purpose?

Before I left Jersey, there was an undercover cop that was going out at night and getting high with people. Or so he said he was an undercover cop. This was... This started in December of 82 and I left in April of 83. So in December of 82

this guy started coming around Joan Marries in January. At that time, it was a fucking sad, depressing state in my life. I was living with Fernie in a basement in a ping-pang-poo. One of those mattresses that just opens up with wheels on it. We shared a fucking bathroom. I was

running numbers in the city for a hundred a day. I was smoking pot. I was heartbroken. I had robbed that jewelry store and I was walking around heartbroken. I didn't know what the fuck to do. What are we talking about? Underdog.

And there was a cop. This guy He said he would go. He would come to Joe and Mary's, the ball we hung out. And then at three, we would always go somewhere looking at Dublo. We would go to his place. And this was the creepiest thing. He lived in like Fort Lee and like a money building. So you'd get to his floor, which was like, I'm just exaggerating here.

We're just telling you a number. Okay. Not exaggerating, but just throwing a number out there. It was like the 15th floor. Okay. And when we got to the 15th floor of the elevator, he had a doorman. Nice. Like three cars would park outside.

I would love to have a dorm man. And he was like a bigger guy with like sideburns and a mustache. And he was, that's what I don't remember. Whether he was black or Jamaican, he was one of those fucking darker skin dudes. And we go upstairs and when he put his key in to the door, he looked to the opposite door in his hallway like we have here. And he'd knock on the glass and say, Mike, it's all right if I go to bed.

It's all right if you go to bed. It was the weirdest fucking tingling. She was like he had somebody watching his door all night. So if you, and a dog, he would knock on their door at 4 in the morning and go, Mike, I'm home. It's all right if you go to bed. Then he would open up his door. You went into his house.

And he had like a balcony where you looked into New York City. Nice. And you could smoke out there, cigarettes a pot. And you'd sit in his living room. And it would be like maybe eight of us from John Marys. And then we would invite people all. over there. I think I went over there

two or three times, but it was really fucking weird. It was one of the weirdest things I had ever seen. I had never seen it. At that point, I was doing coke with my friends. I was going to bars

in New York, but not like people think. And it wasn't those things where you see on TV, five people giggling with a bottle of champagne and we were doing coke. Like a small neighborhood bar?

Something like that? Like, no, we would go to bars, those clubs in the city. Oh, okay. Like the, I don't understand. remember there was one that was three floors and one with Darren Reagan. That was short lived in our lives because it was

60, 70 bucks. You know what? We had the same amount of fun in our bar for 10 bucks. Right, you know. What we talked about here? Undercover Cup. We went to this guy's house and he would do a couple of lines with you. We'd do a couple lines of what we had.

And then he'd go, hold on. And he'd go into his bedroom and he'd come out with like a fucking bag. And he'd lay out a ton of lines. And then he'd go on his bedroom. and he'd come out with this jewelry and he'd show us all his weird jewelry and you know me dog you don't mean that was my fucking world

yeah this guy's being too open but something wasn't right even at that age even at the fucking creepy thief that I was then something wasn't right I just met you on the bar and you're bringing me to your house and then they passed

I remember it was the winter months it was really cold and then we went back up there another Friday and I went up there to scope it out again And I'm like, I don't know. I have to get through the door guy. I got to get the knock on the mic's door. I got to open up this door.

In those days, I could open up any door. All I had to do was look at your lock and memorize it and go home. You find the time when you weren't home and I had a mold. And I would go to a guy and he got the mold. Really? The guy wanted five grand, the $2,500. I didn't have that type of fucking money in those days. I was barely walking around.

I was barely fucking walking around. So then I started being like, a cowboy breaking your window or going through your bathroom window or, you know. Kicking the door down? Yeah, doing stupid shit. That's third grade shit, you know. But yeah. So it felt too good to be true?

Yeah, when this cop came up to me. So I didn't know he was a cop to, like that summer or a year later when I was in Colorado. Somebody said, remember that guy? He was a fucking cop. And I was like, I knew there was something about that guy. It was too easy. It was too fucking easy. You know, usually drug dealers have some type of resistance.

This guy was showing me everything he had on the first fucking date. It doesn't happen. Doesn't fucking happen. Jesus. Let me give some shoutouts. Go for it, buddy. Shout out to anarch edibles. Yeah, you like those fucking stars of death.

It's funny, man. We do a lot of edibles on this show. And we get great fucking edibles. Like, we're very lucky. Those little black things we've been eating, Yeah, I don't even know what those are called. Do you think are those are 20 bucks a piece? Yeah, there's a lot.

Those are fucking 20 bucks. I mean, the Cheebichu's a 22 apiece for people at home, ticking out, we're out here jumping up and down, and you're going to have a Cheebichu party. They're 25 apiece, 22, 17 for the things. You know, thank God they sponsor us and they help us out and send us a box here. And their Chebichu and Carova and Antic Eidables, you know.

Anti-Dolarus. They know we really take care of you and we really eat your fucking edibles. And we talk about them, man. That Carova popcorn was delicious. Where is it? It's in my bag? I have it here. Oh, sure, we should eat some.

Okay. You're in the mood to eat some Carolla. I'm high as fuck already, but you're... Fuck it. Nah, I'm not saving for this. It's episode 302. Why not? Don Wrangel, I love you.

Frank Nilsson. Alex Poole. Abolonia, Rockefeller. Matt Seagher. Brandy Lee. You know, I love you. I'll see you in Minneapolis. David Repreza and Sarah Hunt.

I love you, Motherfuck. Who are you looking at? With your name on that Ashley Madison list? Let's talk second. Thank God. No. That is the dumbest thing ever.

They've been around forever. How many names? Is that true, 37 million? Well, I mean, that's what they're saying. Who knows if they're fake accounts or whatever, but I never trusted anything. Like, if you're going to cheat, why would there be like a... I always thought that the people who signed up for that of the same people that probably sign up for, like, grow muscles in seven days. Yeah.

Like, they look at that and go, okay, I'm going to sign up and pick up some hot mess. chick and, you know, that's fucking ridiculous. I wouldn't even look, there's a lot of times like I have U-Porn and YouTube and I'll go you, and all you got to do is press Y-O and both of them come up and I'm high and I'll click on to U-Porn

and that's the first ad. Is Ashley Madison, I'll take that kiss of debt off because, let me explain something to you, you don't want to be on that website. That website's nothing about fucking bad luck. It's people trying to defraud other people. That's all that is. That's fucking legal defraudment. I knew

somewhere along the line. It was going to fall apart. And if your name was on that list, fucking shame on you, you dumb motherfucker. I hope you're fucking, they throw you out on your ass for being stupid. Cheating is one thing that I never... I only got cheated on once, and it wasn't even really that bad, because it wasn't even really

a girlfriend for that long. But it's like, I don't know how it must be tough, or you would think it would be tough, kind of what we're talking about the beginning of the show, being a little... Like, you worry about it. Like, Paula knows the coach My phone I'll be on

I'll be driving And I'll be like Hey answer this text for me Or look this up Like if I had to worry Full time About someone touching my phone I'd be like

It was a terrible way to live Just break up with the person I wish I had 15 women But I ain't got time for none of them I don't have time for myself Well no It's not that I don't think about other women It's just

No we're all in the human We're all men You have to think of other fucking women And you know You see other women that beautiful. You see them walking this morning. I went to the fucking weed store.

I got a fancy Josh Brooke. There was a girl that was just beautiful. I didn't say nothing to. I don't talk to women. I'm scared. It was very nice to look at her. She wasn't like fake beautiful. She was very just American beautiful,

like white Texas beautiful. It was great to look at. Yeah. I know my limitations. There's nothing I got for her. I can't change her world. Have you heard from that lady in the 7-Eleven parking lot recently? That crazy lady.

Guess where we saw her? Where? The black chick? Yeah. We saw her at Rita's last Friday. Me, Steve Simone, and Diagistino, met at Reader's last Friday night, like gentlemen, just to get a little fucking whatever. Tell you nights.

And I went and got the light yogurt, and I'm sitting out there. It's a beautiful fucking summer night. And the car pulls up, and I see two beautiful black chicks. I mean, bumping. They were ghetto, but they were bumping, like they moved up. They did their toes. They took that fucking sand off their feet, that fucking leather they got on. their feet sometimes they shaved that shit off they had nice fucking sandals on they had cream on

their legs they were beautiful two young girls had like 26 27 they were listening to soul music they were very nice to look at and while they went in i thought about the hooker right and i'm sitting there they both leave and 20 minutes goes by and a new jeep pulls up and guess who comes walking out she got a new jeep she got a new jeep the hooker and uh she walked oh she walked in got an ice cream i said hello to her. She was just coming from the pool. And she walked out. She had like that pool outfit on, like the skirt they put over themselves. Right.

And they walked out and then she came home and she said, hello and how was I? If I still had the same number, I told her, no, I changed it to email me. And that was it. She said she was working on a podcast. Yeah,

listen, it was one of the craziest thing. And you saw it. You saw it. Listen, I, I, I, listen, man, I can't. I can't. It's craziness. It's hysterical that she talked to me as a comedian. She just approached you in the 7-11.

And then you saw it. I was in the car. It was crazy. And it's like she ended up being a hooker. I mean, I was like, what I was going to take to get rid of you? Why are you calling my house at night? Because you told me you were a comedian. She says, I'm at the ha-ha.

I saw you at the ha-ha. You were great. I'm trying to get into comedy. Yeah, she didn't say she was a hooker at a way. No, they never tell you. told you? Has she ever No, I busted her out, remember? I told her the story that I'm like, what the fuck? I need 500 for my organ. What fucking organ

are you talking about? You know, what fucking organ are you talking about? I thought you were a comedian. You said you were at the ha-ha one night. I thought you were there for the fucking open mic. So I went there again, I saw her at the ha-ha. Di Agostino was right there. He saw them. DiAgostino said something to me. Oh, that's so funny. He goes, that's the chick that used to go to the ha-ha-ha. And I told Diagistino's story, remember you introduced stood to me. She's a fucking hooker. She's a fucking hooker. You met a hooker at the

Ha Ha Ha ha. Yeah. You were there and you let me fucking, you let me get trapped. Thankfully, nothing happened. You fucking think I thought she was a fucking hooker, Lee? I didn't know she was a hooker until you came back and were pale. Oh, okay. Jesus. She started talking to you. We were all talking to you? She had a bandage on her head.

I was stupid. Hold on. Were we all not talking together? Like nothing happened. Did she smoke with us? I think so. I think, yeah. It wasn't. Oh, you guys had cigarettes. Yeah. And I didn't. say nothing to you that she was a hooker until you came back and you're like she wanted 80 bucks I don't even know how much he said that's how good that's where we live people that that anybody

could be a fucking hooker here happened in Vegas too I saw that for the first time last time I was there like just regular girls walking around and it was it was when I went uh with you I was in the MGM and these two girls were like if you want to party with me and my sister our time is in free or something and these two guys were hammered drunk and they were talking about it and I was like, oh, she, I'd never been, like, approached like that. And I know it happens in Vegas. Yeah, but in Vegas is the fucking whatever, not North Hollywood on Lancashire, but 11 o'clock at night, you know.

I met that girl. I met that black girl at the Ha. Then I went to the Ha Haa three weeks later. She was there again on Wednesday night, like 11 o'clock at night. And we started talking outside. And she's like, how do you write? And she goes, do you mind if I take your number down? I always have these writing things.

I gave her number. I didn't even know her fucking name. I just gave her number out of embarrassment. Oh, no. I didn't say you were going to try to have sex with her. I didn't know at all. I gave her a number. And then like three weeks later she called.

Hey, what are you doing? She's like, you know, I'm a DJ, right? I'm like, yeah. The first time she called me, she wanted to borrow $200. You don't call me the first relationship, whether you're my friend, a fucking comic, and say you need $200 for a Christmas suit. And I was like, no, I'm, why would I want to do that?

I don't even know you. I said, well, I thought you could just help out a fellow artist. I don't even fucking know you. Number two, and I'm not going out. It was like December. It was like, oh, something was going on in my life. I don't care if it's 80 degree. I'm not giving $200 or something.

Remember some chick called you when I wanted $100. Remember something? Who was it? Who called you looking for $100 and you called me? Oh, yeah. They're fucking crazy. I forgot about that. You know, Mealy.

If I got it in my pocket, it's fucking yours. But I don't know you. I gave you my number because you said, You were comedian. Anyway, who gives a fucking hook? As long as you're aware that their hookers out there, she might be going to your house under false pretenses. I'm just letting you people know right now.

I hate fucking talking about this on the podcast, but I got to talk about this. I'm not, listen, there's a list of things. My wife gives money to. Charities? Yeah. I'm proud that my wife does this. I don't know if she does it because it's tax deductible,

whatever the fuck it may be. You know, I don't believe in a lot of charities. One got busted yesterday, and they were only given 6% to what charity. Oh, I have it all the time. And I have my faults, whatever, but fuck it. There's been this story in the news for the last three fucking, I don't know, a year or so, about a little boy who got tortured by his parents. Beat up, and then the child, the state came, and they inspected it.

And since then, four people got fired, but the head case were. is appealing to her job. Jesus Christ. And I remember watching this going, and it's right up here somewhere. Oh, no. 30 minutes from here. One of these fucking fucked up neighbors.

I don't know where the fuck around here. So, I don't know. I don't want to put nobody's... Somewhere. Some fucking wear up here. And they just did horrible things to this kid. And they arrested the mother and the boyfriend for, uh...

Endangerment abuse? And endangerment or murder, first-degree murder. Oh, did they kill him? They're going for the electric chair. They go and he died, oh. Oh, yeah, he died, dog. And this morning, I'm minding my own fucking business. I got up early.

I'm talking to my wife. We're giggling about the baby the night before. And I go, all right, let me go on the computer. I got on the computer and right fucking that and Google, whatever that page is, Yahoo, whatever opens up, is what's going on with this kid, how advocacy groups. So I click on to it because it's been an interesting story for me how the state went over there, inspected this home. And they let the kid stay. and now all these reports are coming out like fucking they're under fire jack uh and they discussed how they had gone all and i read it and then i clicked the video but i didn't have the

volume on i had the earphones in there so i didn't have the volume on before i put the volume on and said the disturbing images all right and they showed that the kid was getting fucking abused In fact, the kid made a Mother's Day. He was eight years old. He made a Mother's Day card with him, with M-O-M. And he had a black eye from his fucking mom. And you can see he had little scars. And when he died, they did the autopsy.

And that's the video I saw. They were shooting him with BB guns. They just did things that you can't even imagine the mother was in the room. I mean, they, I couldn't imagine. And he wrote, he wanted to kill himself. or a social worker a few times. That's why. What the fuck did this social worker do?

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. So what they did was these women got together, an advocacy group, and it's something save Gabriel Fernandez, you know. I mean, cigarette burns. It was just a fucking hour of show. And you sit there for a minute, you got to go hug your kid, I hug the cat, and you go, what type of, where's the mother? Where's the fucking mother?

You know, I can see if there's some of these kids and you're fucking demented. Where's the mother? The mother was in the room burning the kid along with him. So I reached out to Felipe Sparza, and I think I'm going to do a benefit for this advocacy group. Oh, for like child abuse or whatever? Yeah, that's nice. The one that's in charge, his name is Gabriel Fernandez,

and the story has killed me. I followed it because I'm like, how can this happen? So what did you not see this kid's got scars on his head? I mean, it was just horrible. I didn't want to talk about it. I mean, I was broken up this morning because that's the first thing. That's why I don't fucking look at the news. That's why I don't fucking want to watch the news in the fucking morning.

Sometimes it's on and you hear shit. But I call Felipe, I left him a message, and I called the group, and I sent an email. And I looked them up, the advocacy group. These women are flying themselves in, you know. So I like to go to a place in L.A. somewhere and do a fucking benefit for this poor little fucking kid, man. This is just the, I'm telling you, it's just mind-boggling. I didn't know he passed away, but there's a lot, because this story, like that, it seems like every couple of months on CNN, parents find kids,

feel like they find kids in cages. It's like, whenever I read them, I'm just thankful that I had, like, decent parents. If anybody should have been putting a cage and they were a kid, you're staring out. I mean, I was a fucking animal until I was about seven or eight. My mom didn't put me in a cage. I wouldn't have been mad. I would have told that story right now. I was such an animal.

My mother put me in a cave and threw bottles at me. You know what I'm saying? Shot spitballs at me. Like the Blues Brothers should just have part of that? What the fuck knows Lisa? So what do you got playing for the weekend? Where I got playing for the weekend? I don't know.

I saw, but I... You called me off guard. I was going to tell... I saw Amy Schumer's new movie. Okay, what did you think? It's actually pretty good. I was high as fuck, but it was actually pretty good. Did you laugh?

Yeah. Yeah, I laughed a bunch of times. She's pretty... I haven't really watched her show, but that movie was pretty funny. I met her once or twice, you know, One time she was with her boyfriend. I don't say much. It's her year, you know.

Yeah. You should call her and see what I fucking astronomy said in 2015. I wish. Nobody, Lee, look at it. I just wish Amy Schumer continued success. She's fucking doing it. You know, she replaced Lewis C.K. Right now.

You think so? Or she's the female Louis C.K. Whatever the fuck they're saying, you know. That's very cool. And then I know I know you hate it, but I've been watching some Parks and Rec a little bit. Okay. Do you think there's, like, some people who are, say they're comedians or do comedy,

but are just meant to be something like are better actors? Like, Azizun's sorry, I don't know, I haven't really watched his stand-up, but on that show, he's pretty funny. Right, that's what they say. He's great on the show. Like, do you ever think about, like, what do you think you're the best at? Comedy, stand-up, or, I mean, stand-up podcasting or acting. I don't know, Lee.

What's what the fuck? What is this? Inside the Act of Studio? Sure. I don't fucking know. I just know that I could do all three of them. And I'm very happy. I'm very happy.

I'm not eligible, but I can do them. I'm happy that I could. If you give me the call today and I get on a sitcom, I could do it. They write lines for you and you know how to say your lines. You really know the fucking character. Very interesting. About a week ago, I was having lunch. And somebody asked me what one of my favorite TV shows said.

And I said, you know, I grew up on this. I grew up on that. I grew up on this. And I said, but if you really think about it, comedically, comedically, as a set and a combo, like a trio, what do they call it, an ensemble. Right. One of the greatest stand-up comedy shows, one of the greatest shows I've ever seen where people really work together. And people are going to disagree with me. Everybody's going, Joey's going to throw Seinfeld out.

Seinfeld was very good for what it was. Let me give you some backstory. There was a show called News Radio. Have you watched news radio? No, you haven't. I have. I watched up until, like, the last season. Okay.

Once he died, right, it was pretty hard. But when he was on it, like season three, that was one of the funniest fucking sitcoms I've ever seen in my life. Andy Dick, the fucking boss, and Phil Hartman, were hilarious. The writing was great, you know, and there's a... I read something about a year and a half ago. I never discussed with Joe. I always forget it's like fucking minute.

And that's a guy that left NBC. He wasn't disgruntled to what he said he left, but he was in charge of marketing. And he said that NBC purposely didn't want other shows to grow to be bigger than Seinfeld. Like they always wanted Seinfeld.

I mean, I don't know if it's true or not, whatever. I don't doubt it. Makes sense. Changed news radios format around, like four nights. Four times. They got their times changed. No show goes through that. no show could survive that.

They survived a few seasons, four or five seasons? Yeah, they went five seasons. After he died, they went to syndication just to get the hundred episodes. But there was one episode, oh my God, there was like three or four episodes.

There was a show for a while that had him on in the morning. I was watching him. I would fucking die howling. Listen, everybody has different taste. I'm Zia Ansari. I don't know if he did stand him. I don't know.

I'm too old. I wasn't there. I wasn't in New York. You know, Redder. I know Redder. I know Redd has been around. She's been on Parks and Lacks. She's very funny on the show.

You know, I don't know. I never watched those type of shows. But I was thinking about it because we were speaking, you asked me about Dane Cook the last podcast, I'm pretty sure. It was the last podcast of the podcast before. We're talking about how people become nostalgic with comedians that they grab onto for a certain time period. We're not going to, you know. Well, no, not nostalgia, but just, I was thinking about just Dane Cook in general

because he gets a lot of hate comedically. But then, granted, his movies aren't Oscar Academy Award winners, but I've always enjoyed watching him in movies. So it's just interesting to me the people who are in comedy but seem to be more actor, like better actors, or it just seemed like why try the stand-up comedy thing.

Well, sometimes you get picked up as an actor. We were talking about this the other day, Saturday Night Live guys that do sketch comedy. And I'm not insulting nobody. I'm just telling you how the fuck it is. I'm not insulting nobody. I'm just telling you that when you're sketch comedy, you're doing a sketch with six other guys on stage.

The people that go see that, the people that are involved in that, they all come from that same cut where they're very supportive and they giggle and everything was fantastic and it was fabulous and that's what they do. It becomes a scene, okay? Stand up, sometimes it's a scene, but sometimes it's a dirty fucking room. And you're out there banging it out for your life. And Tom Papa, as clean as he is, he's done those rooms and he's done great.

You know, a lot of comics that are clean have done those rooms. But my point is it's a different cut, okay? hey, when you get out there and you're alone, even if there's a room that you're allowed to smoke in, comedy changes. A lot of people don't go see comedy that smoke because they don't want to get up and down. Ah.

Do you understand what happens? We lose a lot of people. There's people that want to sit down and laugh and want to smoke. That's why I told you, when I shoot my special, I want people to be able to smoke. I want to go back into people's living rooms. Do you understand where this is coming from? Yeah, that's very cool.

comedy to me in my mind why when you come up to me and say Joey you're funny I think you're a fucking asshole because I didn't go to college to be this you're a fucking moral

if you think I'm funny you're an asshole because Joey that's the funniest thing I've ever heard that was so when somebody comes up to me and says my comedy is brilliant first thing I think about is outside of hashways

when I used to take my nutsack out and do 10 minutes with my nutsack out and people would find like whatever on the corner talking about a principal the teacher or some chicken high school that had a twisted eye or whatever the fuck I was talking about. Okay, so it was something I got good at. It's like when he was a ball.

He's a great pool player. He's a fucking loser. He got good hanging out in the fucking pool room, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and doing drugs. They got good at shooting a fucking pool. That's how I feel. There's no talentless. The talent is, I don't fucking know what the talent is. Well, I mean, just because it comes natural to you doesn't mean it's not a talent.

But still, it's not like I went to college to be funny. So what? I took an eight-year fucking degree. Look what Paul goes through. Look what I go through. Yeah, but that lawyer who moved to Hawaii or whatever went to law school and ended up sucking. College doesn't matter.

It's just... Actually, my college is doing a fucking stand-up comedy. I don't know if it's a fucking degree. They're definitely at least having a class. The intro, the stand-up comedy and see what the quirks are and shit like that. But I'm... I've been for... Listen, when people come up to me, they go, hey, man,

I don't have a year ago. Just as I was getting off below, like January of 2008 or 2007, I had been like clean, like 60-something days, you know? And I didn't say none to nobody. I was just counting the days in my head, you know? And I met a hotel in San Francisco with Rogan, and Ari and Dunkin and Red Band and Eddie. And I walk outside, and I'm outside smoke on a cigarette. And some guy comes up to me. Now, I've never, listen, let me tell you something.

The Exorcist, The Godfather, there's a bunch of movies, Goodfellers, you know, fucking Birdcaids that I love with a suicide boy there. You know, whatever his fucking thing probably was. There's just his birthday. There's a lot of, fuck him, his birthday, fucking turn the candle upside down, burn your fingers, hang the fucking candle from a rope or something. If I was in birdcage and you came up to me and said, Joe, you were good in the bird cage, I'd be really happy, you know. Okay, when you go to my MDB, it says the Longest Yard.

So that's the movie people have seen me the most. So a lot of people come down, do I think the longest yard is the Academy Award winner? No it is. Do I think Spider-Man is an Academy Award winner? They're American Entertainment. they're American entertainment. I think the original Longest Yard was really cinema. But I think all these other movies now are basically entertainment.

Yeah. Okay. They're not going to fucking come out. They're not going to teach a fucking film on Mad Max the remake. They're going to teach a film course on Mad Max the original, how they shot that. Okay, that's the one that really got them acclaim and the road warrior shit like that. There's people who come out to me and they'll go, you know what I'm man, you were great, but the movie sucked.

I accept that. I accept that, man. Does it hurt your feelings at all? Not at all, because we all come from different days. But there's always that one person. There's always that one fucking dickhead. I'm in San Francisco.

It's 9.30 in the morning. I just had breakfast with these guys. We did a show the night before, maybe two shows. It was either Saturday morning. It was on Fisherman's Wharf. And some guy, in front of his wife and his kid.

Or his kid was another kid, and they were, like, looking at statues or whatever. But this jerk-off comes over with his wife. And he goes, hey, man, you know what? He goes, the longest yard was a fucking disgrace. He goes, it was a fucking disgrace, you know? And this is 9.30 in the morning. I haven't said nothing.

This is not at my comedy show. This is nothing. This is me sitting there on a fucking corner. and this guy telling me No hello, no nothing No God's nothing He's just telling me How bad of a fucking

A movie it was And why they shot it And you know He had respect for me As a stand-up And I go Hey, hey, oh listen Before you say anything else

What the fuck have you done? How many fucking movies have you done? Where's your fucking IMDB? What the fuck are you talking about? I told him it's not there ain't fucking morning. You're going to come up to me. I don't even fucking know. You're going to come up to me with your son-mylin fucking girlfriend

and talk to me about a fucking movie that I had no control over that. I'm just trying to pay my fucking bills. What the fuck is wrong with you? And Lee, he just looked at me and he walked away. What else could you do? And that was the first person ever, like

three years, two years later that I ever went off on him because it's true. What the, how many movies have you been in? It wasn't fucking, whatever. The Fuck it was. For me, it was a big step. But I don't give a fuck. I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

I've done some horrible things. Oh, my God. There's a guy that follows me where I take mercy to the park. Yeah. He was executive produced a pilot that we did. We did this thing in 2008. You know, every time I see this guy, he still talks to me. He says, the thing's alive.

That TNT, I swear to God. He told my wife the other day. We were all there. And my wife was talking to his granddaughter. He's like, hey, tell Joey we're still alive at TNT. You think I still think that thing is alive in TNT. One day you're going to get a call from TNT. I played a clown.

Did you know that I played a clown, this pilot? With like the makeup and the hair? Yeah, I was a mobster at a circus and I played a clown. They told me this was going to be the biggest show in fucking American history. What a fuck, I'm sitting here with you fucking doing a podcast. I've done so many bad things, but to me they were just sag and a paycheck. I got to shoot a pilot. It was a great director.

I shot this thing on paper. It was so fucking goodly, I couldn't even finish reading it. I don't forget my remember. I forget. This was like a huge pilot at Odd Fox about a circus. You have no idea, my friend. Let me give some new shout-outs here. I'm getting the fuck out of here.

I read a great article yesterday about this home delivery thing, how big the business has gotten. And they mentioned blue apron in this. And I'm going to tell you why they mentioned blue apron in this, because their fucking ingredients are fresh, and they get delivered to your door. Okay, they have a great plan here. Give me the fucking sheet of paper here.

They got a great plan. They got a two-person plan and a family plan. Let me tell you what the menu was for this week. The menu was rice and beef stuffed fucking pablanos. All right? They have linguineeringering with them. No, no, no, no. They got fucking chicken bolognais.

They got, for the two-person, they got rice and beef stuffed pblanos. and they got squitting pasta. Do you remember us talking about squitting pasta? They don't even make that shit no more. Squitting pasta, all right? They also got Fontina basil and grilled cheese sandwich. Would you love to fucking come home and get one of those? And then for the family plan, they have the flat iron steak

and the chicken bowliners regard. Can you imagine that coming home and it takes ten fucking minutes? You know, nobody wants to fucking cook after work. And you don't want to go to the supermarket and wait on. fucking line. What? When I was working, my entire thing was if I, I didn't want it to get out of the car to get it. Yeah.

And the best, don't they send you like literally everything you need? Everything. Blue Haven delivers farm fresh ingredients and a recipe right to your fucking out. Because I always forget something at the store. The things are fucking healthy and you don't have to go to a grocery store and it's less than 10 bucks a fucking meal. All right? And they send them perfectly

proportion making it cook the fucking healthy meals easy. I think each fucking meal is between 560. 700 calories. You get some chicken. You meet up to the library. You want to give her a stabbing. You get some fucking blue apron and invite over for date night. You both take it out of the buck. It comes right to your door, aluminum fucking wrapped. Everything's fresh. Everything's fucking cool. It's got kid-friendly ingredients so the whole family could eat well. You have fun. You jump up and down together. All right? And they work around your schedule and they have dietary preferences. All right?

So what you do is you go to blue fucking apen.com. All right? Blueapen.com slash Joey. Check out this week's menu. And you get your first. two meals free. Just go to Blue Apron.com slash Joey. My treat, I'm not fucking kidding you. You're going to get two meals on me

when you go to Blue Apron.com. It gets sent right to your house. You can do this with friends. You know how Gentiles are. They come over. Oh, my God. This could be you. You could be the life of the fucking party

with Blue ApronFucking.com. So do me a favor. Go to Blue Apron.com and press them what? Slash what? Joey. J-O-E-Y, Capital. and I swear to God you get two free meals for free

on the arm. That's how I'm wrong these days. Also, you know what, man. I'm always here with Honored. They run my heart. Honored, don't fuck around. The protein I used today, hemp, that chocolate shit with a banana, a little peanut butter in there.

Babu, two scoops, 32 fucking grams of hemp protein. You know, don't clog up in my stomach. I don't shit a week later. No, no, no, no. And all that products are great. Whether you're doing the neutropics with the alpha brain, whether you need more energy with the Shroom Tech sport, or you're flying a lot,

or you're mixed up with a lot of fucking Arabs or whatever the fuck circle you hang out with, and they're breathing on you. You want to take the Shroom Tech immune. You know, listen, they got your fucking cover. This is what I'm trying to tell you. Go to honor.com right now, look at the supplements.

If there's something you like, go to the box and press in. Church. While you're checking out, you get 10% off your first order. Who else does that for you? You're right. Nobody.

So I'm only am I taking care of you with some food. I'm also giving you some new tropics. And I'm also, what else am I doing? You're going to give them some underwear? And I'm going to give, no, hold on. I'm giving some new tropics, and I'm giving you some fucking tremendous protein 10% off, all right? But while I'm there, I'm also going to take care of you with Nature Box. The thing about Nature Box is that every time I go to their fucking webpage, they had three or four or five or six new fucking snacks.

They're always evolving, man. So sometimes we're here and we tell you about the cocoa noms or the fucking plantains or the garlic plantains or the, the, granolas that they have or the i mean listen everything is fresh delivered to your door again i'm not gonna break your balls this is nutritious at its tops why are you fucking eating shitty for snacks the shit that you eat in between your meals is the shit that really kills us you know who you talking to fat fuck themselves i know exactly what you go through sometimes i know instead sometimes i get hungry and you open up a can of fucking pringles you're stone right you eat the fucking pringles because they're right there i'll tell you what you do you got a naturebox dot com right now look at the web

all the fucking snacks they got. And if you look at them, they're all resellable, which means you get them sent to your house, you get stone, you open them up, you put them in your little bag, you take them your knapsack, whatever you walk to work, you take them to work in between from 12 to fucking five after lunch, one to five, you're fucking starving. Am I lying to you? No.

And that's what, they're all nutritionists approved, gluten-free, you know, have dietary, whatever the fuck, are restrictions, but it all starts, don't listen to me. I'm a moron. Do me a favor. Go to naturebox.com. Take a look at the great selection And here's what gets better I'm giving you the box for free

Tell him Lee Five free fucking bags How many big ones I think one big one and four small ones There you go Boom free on the fucking arm You know what you're gonna get You're gonna pay for shipping

Which is like a dollar fucking something But you're gonna get $25 bag of free snacks From me on the arm Just as a sample Who else does that I would not do that if I had shitty snacks Those sesame sticks You're gonna order again

You're gonna fucking order again I wish I had some of my house right now Go to naturebox.com right now I'm pressing what? Go to naturebox.com slash Joey. And pressing what? You don't press anything. Just go to naturebox.com slash Joey.

Order it. Look at the snacks. I guarantee you're going to love it. Five free bags delivered to your house for free. And if you want to do it, then you can pay for it on your own. And it gets sent to your house every month to your fucking door. You're going to want to do it. And why are we stopping there?

You want to be comfortable? Today, the first thing I packed, because I know I'm working out, I know I'm doing Jiu-I-Too is Chicago, is I packed some underwear, some nice me on the underwear. To be comfortable, nice and cool. I know it's human in Chicago. I want my nuts sack to be at fucking ease. I don't want no drama.

To Meandis is the way to go. Go to Meandis.com right now. Take a look at the great selection of women and men's underwear, t-shirts, shorts, hooded sweatshirts, they got some great. And it's not even the material and how it feels on your skin. It's fucking comfort. You know, your balls are never sweaty. It pulls the heat away and all the moisture from your knuff-sack.

This time in the middle of night I scratch my knucksack, and I'm expecting to get sweat. I want to get a little whiff. There's nothing there to whiff. because everything those Mionis keep them together. I can lie the entire I have a mom right now.

I don't. I got jeans on and I know I was gonna come over here and sit on my ass but I might do jit two days when I wear shorts and I want my dick going from side to side it's hot out.

I got Miondi's on. Comfortable, fucking they feel great but why are you listening to me for? Go to meyondies.com right now and look at a great selection and women and men underwear. All right? After that, if you want to order,

order, what do you get? Lee 20% off and free shipping in Canada and the United States. You motherfucking Canadians, man. You guys ain't cheap up there. That's why I love you guys. That's why I told them to keep the 20% off in Canada because you motherfuckers are savages up there.

So anyway, go to meandis.com right now and press in. Joey. Boom, when you're placing your order and get 20% off your order and free shipping. Okay, in Canada, the United States. I want to thank On it. I want to thank Blue Apron and their great selection of foods. I want to thank meundies.com for their great underwear and t-shirts.

And I also want to thank naturebox.com for their snacks and all nutrition. I want to thank my brother Lee for being here and being Stone this week. Hey, buddy. All right, cocksuckers. And that's it. The podcast is all over. I'll see you in Chicago this weekend.

Wednesday, 29. Me and Lee are doing a testicle test. I'm doing a run-through on my Comedy Central story. And then I'm taping my CD in August in D.C. And the special in motherfucking Vegas on September 19th or 20th at the... South Point. South Point. Resort and Casino, motherfuckers.

Have a great weekend. I love you guys. I just put up a fine jury radio with Darren Carter. So if you would check that out, I'd appreciate it. The show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron sends gourmet recipes and all the fresh ingredients you need to make them right to your door. Our listeners get their first two meals free. Just go to blueapron.com slash Joey and start cooking incredible meals at home with Blue Apron.

Blue Apron.com slash Joey. Show is also brought to you by Miandies.com. Go to Meandies.com and check out the men's and women's underwear they have. have shirts, t-shirts, sweatshirts, and you go to meondies.com slash Joey. You're going to get 20% off your first order and free shipping in the United States and Canada. And now that the show's over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sampler box of great tasting, healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash Joey.

That's naturebox.com slash joey. and go to Onit.com and use Code Word Church to get 10% off all their great optimization products like Alphabrain, NAMUGE, Trumbet, Immune, and Trumtack Sport.