The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #303 - Jayson Thibault

Episode Date: July 28, 2015

Jayson Thibault, comedian and host of the "Punch Drunk Sports Podcast" joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50 Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos Recorded live on 07/27/15 Music:  One Day As A Lion - Zack Dela Rocha Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Killing in The Name Of - Rage Against The Machine

This show is brought to you by Onit.com. Go to Onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products like Alpha Brain, Strongbone, New Mood, Shroom Tech, Immune, ShroomTech Sport, all of their optimization products. Use code word church to get 10% off. This show is also brought to you by NailedItLife.com. For all the oil and wax smokers out there, go to NailedItLife.com and use code word Joey Diaz to get 20% off the premier vapor panel. on the market. And if you live in California and have your medical marijuana card, they also make Los Gumi Charmanos great, great edibles. NailedatLife.com also Los Gumi Sermanos. And go to Hit E.Sigs.com. Hit letter E.sigs.com. Better tasting, longer lasting. The proof is in the

vape. And right now, hitesigs.com is doing a five-for-fifty deal. Use code word Joey's church to get 20 per ticket 5 for hitting 6 for 50 dollars little something from d s dorchester i haven't heard this and fucking it's the church motherfuckers uh july 27th monday as usual a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive

Lee siat a sucker jason tbo what's up cock sucker always gotta hit that thing when the music Good for the last couple weeks. But don't fucking touch it. Yeah. Well, you were introducing people. Don't worry about introducing nobody.

He was feeling the vibe. We're feeling the fucking vibe. I apologize. You fuck up the vibe, man. You gotta keep it together. I think he needs to get stoned. This is what happens when I don't see him for a few days. On the weekends, I lose him Thursday night.

He rubs feet. He takes orders. He gets a bit slapped and I lose him. And then it takes a couple days. Someone said that to me on Twitter. Then I got to fucking feed him all this shit to bring him back in. And then he's good till Wednesday. I got on a plane.

and I come back on Monday and he's fucking half of Harvey homo again. What's going on with you? But you're a little purple shirt. You're looking good. That's a beautiful shirt. Thank you. It's actually I got my first sponsor for Flying G Radio, so thank you. Look at you with the star.

It's a little Jew fucking thing. Canon clothing. Look at you. And they're Australia. Yeah, they're from Australia. Australians are some cool fucking motherfuckers. I never met in Australian. I didn't like.

Really? Seriously. They're really. There's something about those motherfuckers. I don't know what it is. They're nice. They're just nice. And you know when you, at the comedy store late night,

anytime after like one o'clock especially during the week because their vacations are like two months long they go on holiday and they're just like travel around the world for like two months if it's late night and there's five people left in the OR at the story of them Australians all of them yeah

because the time difference it's like noon to them and Australians can drink till the fucking cows come home they're indestructible no the guy was ready he just hit me up so I mean it's a great company but it's uh I've never been there I've never done that kind of the longest flood I ever did was like 14 hours have you ever been

to Australia? No, but that's a hell of a flight. That's like 18 hours or some shit. That's crazy. For all the people listen to the podcast, I got to get something off my chest that I just got to found out this morning. I always knew. I wasn't going to be eligible to get a passport.

I've been lying to you guys for a long fucking time. I told my wife today, I said, listen, because we got the letter back, which I knew. The fucking names don't match up. My father's name on the on my birth certificate

and on his Cuban birth certificate don't add up. They made a mistake in New York. They made like six mistakes in New York. But the truth of the story is that I was born in Cuba, but when I got citizenship or whatever, they gave me a New York City

birth certificate. And they gave me that birth certificate, and I remember having the original when my mother died. There was a black piece of paper that had been typed, and they shrunk it down in those days. That's what you took home. It was stamped.

It was, everything was on it. And it had, like, my dad was a waiter. You know, like shit like that on it, which was always rare. I lost that birth certificate. I applied for a new one. Then they sent me this complete different fucking sheet of paper. Right. Like a diploma.

It looks like a high school fucking diploma. Yeah. And once I got that high school diploma, I looked at it. I looked at the names. And I basically folded up in my pocket and prayed for the best. When I went to Jamaica, I sweated it. The first time I went to Jamaica, I sweat it. I went to Hawaii.

I sweated it. That's America, though. I always, I was still a little too long. It was a fucking fly. Any time you fly over ocean, you get dicey. You know, I know for a fact I went to Venezuela as a kid. Either I have a passport or something happened, but I will tell you

that nothing's going to add up. And like I told Terry, I have a friend that's 40, a Cuban girl, in Colorado. Fucking chick's been here since she was three. Well, guess what? She got a letter about fucking six months ago. She's not a citizen. Something happened the computers. This bitch got a

start from scratch. In the meantime she can't get a job. It's so, that's what I fucking need. That's what I fucking need right now. They're sending for this passport and for them to find some fuck up and next thing you know, I'm getting arrested and getting deported. Because if there's anybody they're going to

fucking deport, I talk about Obama's wife, I want to eat her asshole. He writes this shit down and he's like, I'll keep that motherfucker in mind. Jesus, so 40 years later, she's now. finding out that's unbelievable. So what can she do? Is she just fucked? I talked to her when I was in Denver

she came to the shows with her son and a husband I've known for 20 fucking years so I never wanted to mess with it. Like I'm very lucky. I'm very fortunate. I'm one of those guys. Once I know I'm very fortunate, listen, I'm living in the best country in the world and yeah, I don't get to travel to other countries to do comedy

and people like you're losing money, you listen. I know for a fact that if I apply and push the fucking envelope, Like this attorney call today, he's like, this is not, what's going on? And I explained that. You know, this is New York, 1966. They did everything by fucking hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, some of that stuff, like, I went looking for records seven years ago in Union City, and they sent me to a library to do the fucking thing where you have the sheet and you got to put it under the microscope. Microfee. Yeah, and they have it on compute. I didn't know what I was doing, so I just abandoned shit. I ran the fuck out of that. You look at that news? Yeah, that shit under fucking night.

1885 now under 197980 your shit's got it because then my police record half of it is gone half it is gone i got my record two years ago when i got my criminal when they stole my identity and i just got my police from me and terry were talking let's go see through it and i told i go there's 15 arrests that are completely missing we call the service and no this is what's on there they had a I had two false arrest that were not me. You know, two Jose Diaz is that one. You know, my name is Jose Diaz. What the fuck?

That's John Smith in the United States. Go to Miami and look for Jose Diaz. You'd be there for fucking two years. Oh, yeah. That's why I always knew. I'll just go to Miami. They'll never find me. The yellow pages, Diaz is 8, 9, 10, 15 fucking pages in Miami.

But do you, like, does it worry you? Are you sitting there nervous? Yeah. Yeah, I was always worried. I've always been worried because my parents pulled the quick one. They pulled the quick one. My wife went on Anastry. Ancestry.com.

My uncle's on there. My dad's on there. My mom, she ain't on there. This bitch lived on the whatever islands, the Ku Klux Islands outside of Cuba. She lived in Venezuela. She lived in Chile. She's not on there. No Ellis Island record of Dinora fucking Valdez, Tuero, Maldives, Tuero, Maldarez,

nothing. All the names she's involved with. You know, so these people pulled the quick one. It was the fucking 50s and 60s. You went to Miami the way you used to be, you used to go to Mexico. Yeah. You know, we went to Miami the way to Cuba, I'm sorry, the way today you go to Las Vegas. It was easier in 1955 to go to Cuba than what it is to fly from here to

Vegas. Yeah. You know, you go through less drama. in the 50s going to Q. Wow. It's like a 30-minute flight. Yeah, it was me, you were hanging out. Well, it's like 90 miles. It was 90 miles from Miami.

So you're in New York City. Listen, in the fucking 84, I left New York for different reasons, but I got to be honest, I left New York because I wouldn't have lived. In 1984, Tebow, there was an airline called People's Express. Already sounds dangerous.

Okay, People's Express offered flights to three places. You ready? Newark to Miami. Newark to London and Newark to Los Angeles. That's it. Here's the catch. You couldn't call them up and go, hi, this is Lee Syed. I want to come get on People's Express.

That did not work for them. Here's how it worked. You showed up. You showed up, and you came up and got on that plane before. So, you show to the airport and you go, how you doing? My name is Jason Tebow. I want to go to London. Mr. Tebow?

I don't even think you had to have ID in those days. It was ridiculous. There was no ID. Okay. They give you a receipt and you paid on the plane. Like a fucking, like a shuttle bus practically. So you got on the plane and then they came up and they told you what it was. For a blanket, it was $6.

Oh, it's like spirit. For a snack box, it was $6. For a pillow, it was two, for earphones with music, it was five. So by the time you got off, you paid $80 and extras. You know, the luggage was $15. You know, the flight was but, you know, you're dealing with Uncle Joe. Yeah. I would go see Joe the Baker in the Bronx in those days and get 10 credit cards,

matching IDs on an insurance card and a mask card for a nickel. Right. Do you know how much wear and tear I got out of those stolen credit cards? So you get on the plane, and I get on that plane and start buying drinks for bitches. Yeah. I was nuts in those days. Give that sexy motherfucker drink. Give her a drink.

Give her a drink. And they could take credit cards on the plane. They only took credit cards on the plane. So what they did in those days, there wasn't T, T, T, T, T, T, T. It was, ching, ching, the imprint. The imprint. You can let that slide a lot.

That's like fucking spailing, like nothing. I know. You don't know how many Chinese lunches because under $25, they didn't check the book. Okay. What's the book? There was, okay, so here's what. I'm young.

I don't know what this is. So let's talk about, all right, the book was that if you went to, I was called an under the limit thief. The limit on credit cards in those days that they had a call it in was $50. bucks. So if you went to a store and spent 42, they just imprinted it.

So, but if you spent 50, they had to call the company to the money? Not called in, they do the imprint and call in. I have Jason Tebow, 3, 3, 4, 5, 6, expiration, 626. $624 is approved. Okay. But if you didn't spend over 50, they're busy. You go to a busy store. They don't want to take the time to call.

So this is part of the whole scam. You went to a busy store. So you watch, you went to the mall, you watch the ladies who was the busiest, and brought her the thing, $42. Chin-chin. It was like stealing. So I used to have lunch every day. In those days, we always went for lunch because we pick a Chinese lunch special.

Me and you, even if it was $5.95, it's on us. We'll have side order of spare ribs, a couple of coax. You know what I'm saying? So we became under the limit thieves. That's what that call. It's the scummiest people in the world, but I had a great time. It happens to me like every six months.

I think one of the post offices has a guy in there scanning the cards. Because every car to get from Bank of America gets, I didn't even activate this one. I didn't even activate it. And they had it. Yeah, that means they got it from the inside. And they go to like Ross and they spend $5 and they eat. But then they go and try to find one big one.

Once they find out that it's active, then they go to find one big one. That's what the guy said. Let me tell you how with Jason, Jason Tebow. So you meet a bitch in New York City. Okay. All right. I already like the story. Okay.

You get out of work at one. Mm-hmm. Okay. One. One in the morning. You're walking out of your little bartending union job, but your little black vest. But while you're there, some chick from Australia's talking to you. Right.

I really like to go out and drink. So what are you talking? You want to have a drink. You have two drinks, and the chick starts telling you her life. You know, she does blow three times, but she really doesn't like it. Hook! Hook! You make the call right there.

Hold on, baby. Listen, bring me a G-bo. I got a live one. Yeah. Right? You start giving this chick bum. She's hot. She sucks.

your fucking dick. All right. One in the morning in those days, 3.30, Tibo, I swear to my fucking daughter and wife. Three in the morning, I could look at you and go deeps. I got an 8-ball. I got like 600. What are you got? I got 800.

Let's get the fuck. Let's go to Miami. We take a cab to Newark Airport for 20 bucks. They ran on the hour, on the top of the hour. People's Express. They knew the drug addiction. They were the drug plane. How many hours a day? 24 hours a day.

Here's where it gets interesting. Here's where it gets interesting. From 8 to midnight, it was $69. But from midnight to 8 in the morning, it was 39 one way. So, come on, guys, I'm lying to you. In those days, yeah, 40 bucks down. It didn't matter. We were putting it on the Chinx credit card from Brooklyn, Bob the birthday.

So it's under a $50. So they're not going to check it anyway. They're going to go ching-ch-ch. And then when they land, they're going to run it. It's a fake card. Done. It's already there. And we're going on there drinking champagne.

Oh, yeah, we're going for... That's crazy. I did that until I'm Boston to New York. Yeah. 30, 40 bucks on a bus. But you flew to Miami. Miami in those days. And then you'd waited down there for three days to your money was spent.

Yeah. In those days, a whole... Listen, Miami knew what you were going down there for. Sure, especially in the 80s. And especially those dingy, dirty ones, those motel sixes, they dropped their price for 15 because all the drug deals in the world were being cut in those fucking hotel rooms. Yeah. I mean, it was crazy.

You get on those plans. I remember getting on the plane, and I swear to God, guys. Let's say there was 90 seats. Let's pretend. 60 of those seats, 85 of those people were Hammett. Oh, yeah. Hammond, I mean, shit dripping down in those.

How much was to LA? Do you remember? I think it was like $99 one way. No, no, no, no. I'm lying to you guys. It was really cheap. That's what the lure was. But sometimes you showed up, and there was a line.

and you had to stay there all day because now you had to qualify for the next flight. So sometimes you get to that terminal and there'd be 4,000 people out there not on the midnight of Miami. Those were only coke fiends, vampires, and people with AIDS.

Those are the people that were chasing Mel Gibson. Those are the people that were chasing Mad Max and shit. Those pale motherfuckers with the blood tube. You should have seen this plane, Tebow. It was... It was... It was... Just a flying party. And this is what...

Like, this is what... why I didn't really, after I left that scene in 85, I knew I would never match that. Like, I had mingled in Colorado, and I went to Aspen, and Aspen was the cocaine capone. And, you know, the party I had

lived through in New York... Aspen was rich cocaine party. Rich. When I was a kid, there was a party, a pool, a place called Patty Bogotis, and it was a bar with a pool in the middle. So after a few drinks, you could jump in the fucking pool. This is crazy, in us. And I went there a couple times, and women

would jump in the pool and next thing you know they take their bottoms off and you'd be falking them or fingering them in the pool. This is some great, this is, and yeah, those are different types of things that I had seen. I don't think, I don't think I fingered somebody. I just heard stories, but when I left New York,

the shit I saw in those clubs, like I was never a club guy. But to me either. The nights I did go out, like with my friend Mike asked least one night, we went out with like an ounce of blow one night to those boom, boom, boom, boom clubs, And we're in women's bathroom, snorting with six people in a stall. You know, and that's fun, but that's why when I left, but that fucking flight,

I wish I would have had a camera to show you people. Even the stewardesses were hammed. I was going to ask what they were doing. Even the stewardesses were habit. And that's, you could probably still smoke on a plane back then. You could smoke on a plane. And I remember there was a plane that I used to take, United, from San Francisco to New York, that was a double-decker. And in those days, the bottom was regular class.

and they treated you like a human being, but the top of the plane was first class. You know, there used to be double deck of planes. And Midnight Express, when they're going coast to coast, that's where the planes were. Miami, New York, Miami, L.A., L.A., New York, it was double deck of planes. You go upstairs.

I swear to God, there would be... I've never forget that there was a fucking pig one time. And people were picking off the fucking pig. Like, like, with an apple in his mouth, with hors d'oeuvres around it. That's the time, Tebow. I bought a first class. I bought a first class ticket on the night.

I thought I was a gangster. I was bringing back guns. And I was... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I was taking guns from Colorado to Jersey. And two hours later, getting on the same flight going back to Denver. And then I would have a connection from Denver to fucking Aspen. But I would leave that...

I would take, like, the 6 a.m. on Aspen, connecting in Denver, 8.05, and I'd be in L. and New Jersey at 11. And I'd be after 2 o'clock flight from Newark, right. right back to death. You were selling guns. And I was taking the guns back and bringing the Coke. Trading guns for Coke? Trading guns for Coke.

Old school. Old school, Thibah. Jesus. With the Miami Vice Holster. It would make a Scorsese movie. Listen to me. I would put the Miami Vibe. I would get there. Danny Bianculo and like three of his Spanish friends would be sitting on a couch.

And I would be their model. And I'd put the Miami Vice holster on, the Don Johnson with the fucking gun this way. And the two clips here. And I would just sit there. I was like a walking eBay. I'd say, make an offer. Where would you sit? I'd stand, and they'd be, like, on couches.

And I'd take through the whole thing. Put the gun in the clip, clip it, put it here. But in like a house? And in his apartment. Jesus. And his apartment. Well, that's Danny the next time he called. So how many guns would you have?

I'd take eight guns. Uh-huh. And I'd pay. I got the guy down to 500, and he'd throw in a box of bullets. And the holsters. The holsters were retail, 100 and something. I think I was wholesale. Eight of them at 60 apiece or something.

So my whole cost, the guns was $4.50. I think my whole cost on everything was maybe like six, and I would charge 11. Okay. And then I would take eight guns because it would be $8,800. That's a quarter of a kilo. Okay. So I would pick up 11 ounces for $8,000 and bring it back. That was my usual.

Wild. Tremendous. That had to be like an adrenaline dump, too. And I get on those flights are fucking lit. Of course. This is why I should be doing 20 fucking years. And I'll never forget that one time they were playing the piano on this thing. They had the pig on the table, and I'm in first class, hammered.

Just hammered. It'd been three days, Tebow. Sure. You know, deep. This is when I had cocaine endurance. Been there. The heart didn't even bother me. If it pumped, that meant that was a life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I fucking went up to a thing, and it was a black, velvety thing. And I'm over there with the bartender. Give me another one. I'm fucking banging them 20s. The guy's looking. I mean, like, oh, my God, this guy's a savage. And I kept going to the back and doing bumps and coming back.

And one of those, it was a black tablecloth. And I'm like this. And all of a sudden, I felt it, Tebow. I felt it was stuck up here. And I could feel it getting loose, but I couldn't cover it. There was people at the table. That's the worst. And the bartender was looking at me.

And all of a sudden, the Coke rock just fell. And it hit the fucking thing. And everybody looked at the same time. And everybody looked at me, and I looked at them. and I looked to the top I looked at the roof like Where did this coke fall from? It wasn't my nose This fucking plane

And I just left and went downstairs And I just left and went downstairs The rest of the flight So you pay for a first class flight Coke falls out of your nose And then you go down and sit with the common folk After that Because you could mingle in those days

See that's the worst In those days you can mingle You can mingle You can walk around with a drink And go hey where you're from You could smoke There's like a giant flying singles bar In the back you could smoke

In the back you could smoke and in first class you could smoke. So you could mingle. You know, in those days a flight was a party. It wasn't people sitting like this together. Like, when you walk in the fucking coach, they're like this. That's what you look like. It's a punishment to fly right now.

It's a fucking punishment to fly. So in those days, people were more loose. It was two seats. You know, they had different types of food. They had sandwiches. They used to have creams and colognes in the bathrooms. So when you go in there, you want to put cream on your hands or cologne. They had little bottles.

They don't fuck around, dog. They took all that away. But my point to that people's express. How crazy is that? Like that? I remember doing that like four weekends in a row in September of 84. I mean, it's cheaper than... And then I was doing it like I did it again.

There was two kids from our high school that were down there selling and moving around. And I was trying to nail one of those kids. And I kept going down and I found myself. I'm going, I can't live like this. This is $100 to get fucked up. This is $80. because it's 40 and 40. What you do now is when you go back, you go back after midnight.

Yeah. That's it. You just sleep all day and go to the airport 11 and pray for a 12 or 1 o'clock flight. Do you ever rob people on the plane? Because that seems like you could go back and forth and just like rob people if it was a party. Okay. That's interesting. You said that. Of course he did.

I got stuck on time. That was when I first met my daughter's mother. She was a criminal. Me and her were fucking criminals. Your ex-wife. My ex-wife. My ex-wife. Yeah.

And we had robbed, we were, we were setting up the building. I was robbing a bookie in this hotel. I lived at the Virginia hotel downtown San Francisco in the Tenderloin. It's still there. It's a hostel now. Oh, it's just up there. It's across from the Hilton and down the corner. They used to be Fat Ron's coffee shop.

They'd be topless coffee waitresses. The Tendloin was a crazy time. And I moved in there. I was on the run from Colorado for credit cards. And I lived in the Virginia. And I nailed them. I loved dressing. up and I'd go to the Hilton and all the whole

the Cat Hotel California all those those holes and I'd sit in the lobby with the newspaper and I'd watch the maids and I'd follow the maids and I'd steal their keys now I had two or three days now I didn't I wasn't a kid with an earring or a tattoo I looked pretty I was built in those days and I dressed nice so and I had a nice smile unassuming

and I was a I was an outsider I was in New York so they didn't fucking know but I was a fucking 24 hour thief and the cops caught up with me one time and we had to take a bus to Reno and then we went back we had a pawn all the jewelry we robbed and we only had enough of one plane

taken or something. I don't know what the fuck the deal was. So I put her on the plane and she goes, let me go to Boulder and give me a couple days and I'll get the money. I was at a fucking airport guys for three fucking days.

That was the airport where I went to piss. In those days you'd go to the airport. Like if you have nothing to do, in those days there wasn't no buzzers. You could walk your family all the way to the plane

in those days. So you told me to the airport. airport. In those days, people wouldn't drop you off like an animal. They would park, have a drink with you, and walk you to the fucking gate and wave at you as your plane went away with their kids. It was a complete different fucking world. So people would walk into the airport just to have a drink. And that was the place in 85. It was 85 where I kept going to the bathroom. And it was the same dude in there. And what he'd do, you'd piss. And he'd be in one urinal and he'd go to the other

urinal and get next to Lee and try to look at his dick and I think he'd jerk off and then once Lee would leave he'd sit there and make believe he was piss and then you come in and he'd go to your urinal next to you and he'd look at your dick and I went into this first time and I'm like this fucking guy but I didn't say nothing

the second time I went in he popped right and he was sweating and shit how old was he like describe him I had to be maybe 22 and this guy was probably 30 something but you could see he was up for a few days He was sweating

Is this what he does all day every day? Yeah, he probably just did that all day Every day, just go to bathrooms And look at guys' dick What a terrible life So what did you say to him? Get the fuck away from me In those days I had no tolerance for that stuff

Like I didn't understand it I was out of New York I was still a little fucked up I carried a weapon So I always carried a weapon in those days So I just told him get the fuck away from me I don't know if I had a weapon on me that day or not, but that's when I carried a weapon,

in San Francisco, I carried a weapon. I always had something on me because that's a scary fucking town. Especially back then. It's not that scary now. There's some shitty parts, but... The Ted always still has his moments. Lee was up there. He says,

I mean, there were some parts that, like, weren't great, but then, like, we were reading reviews for our hotel, and they're like, it's scary. It's not scary. You just don't be stupid. But it was... You've told me about that. I can't believe they have topless coffee bar. That seems crazy.

I thought when Fat Rons or something, Ron's coffee house and it was open 24 hours. I think you could put booze in the coffee. Yeah. And they were topless, baristas or whatever? They had, like, girls that were regular bartenders, and they had topless fucking... You could bring your own booze, or they would actually

throw booze in there on the DL? They threw booze in there. I never... At that time, I didn't drink fucking coffee. I drank a Coke on a buttered roll for breakfast. And I was ready to go. There was no cereal. There was no oatmeal. There was No apple. Right. It was a butter roll and a fucking can of Coke dog and a joint.

Fuck it with a straw. A Coke with a straw. The carbonation would fucking rattle your head in those days. Uh-huh. Absolutely. So what's been going on, brother? Talk to me. Not much, man.

I actually, but just me and Sam Triple just in San Francisco. And then I was in the Midwest for just five months before that. Getting clean. Quit drinking again. Quit doing drugs again. You know. I mean, I never really. I, Tripoli always jokes.

He's like, dude, you don't, you never had a drug problem, really. I would do Coke. Absolutely. I'd smoke pot 24-7. I don't count pot as shit. But, you know, if you have a problem with pot, you'd have deeper fucking, you're just a pussy or something. You know what I mean?

Like something's wrong with you if pot's making your life crazy. But, you know, I would do Coke just to fucking sober back up and keep drinking. But Tripli's always like, dude, you're, you're like a 1945 drinker. You know what I mean? Like, that's like your past life was like, like, like, madly. Mad Men and shit. You know what did you drink towards the end? What were you drinking?

I mean, you know, it's hard to tell. I mean... But would you start at 9? Would you start at 12? I mean, if I was tying it on for the day, I'd probably start around 11 a.m. You know, I'd probably have six to eight beers, Jack and Coke or two, and then go out, you know?

No nap. No, no, no. Fuck, no. Were you hung over from the day before? Not really. this. I never really got hung over, which is a dangerous thing. I wouldn't get that hungover. I was never the guy. Like, drinking has never been my thing.

But, like, if I was going to go, I'd get drunk. But then, I could never understand going out Thursday through Saturday. Even just that was crazy to me because how you feel like, I felt like shit the next day. That's just because you're not a drinker. Right. Well, like, I never got, like, hungover, hungover, but, like, a couple times. But normally, it just, like, it takes it out of you. Like, I always woke up at 6 a.m. after being, after going to bed at 2.

like it was just it's a hard it's like a really taxing like alcohol it's taxed that makes you tired the next day it takes a lot to recovery from the sugar how old are you when you had your first drink? I didn't start drinking until late I was like 19

did you consider yourself an alcoholic at the time you yeah from the middle oh yeah yeah yeah but even then like even when I was 19 I was like I'm there was a part in my fucking soul or's head or some shit

that was like, I am going to have a problem with this. You know, both my father was an alcoholic, both sets of my grandparents were big drinkers. You know, they were from that kind of like Sinatra era of, you know, it was really romantic kind of fucking, you know, get dressed jeed up, have a nice hat on, go out and tie it on, you know, big smokers and shit. But I do recall, like, even maybe 2021 being like,

I'm going to have to keep my eye on this shit because this could run amok with me. You know, and it took a while. You know, for all my 20s, I was, you know, I drank a lot and partied a lot, but that's what everybody does in their 20s, you know, but it wasn't until my, like, mid-30s. I started, you know, it just wasn't fun anymore.

I was just doing it just, it just became a part of, in a lot of ways, my every day. You know, and you're always at comedy club, and it's always free to get, you know, and then you're always like, I'm just going to have one or two drinks. There's no point to me. You're a great.

great social drinker. To have one or two drinks. No, but I could tell that you, see, you could lure me in. Oh, absolutely. There's people who are fucking sleeping pills. But there's certain people I used to like to drink with, even though I'm not a drinker. Yep. And I could see, I grew up in the area you're talking about, which is what makes me walk around even more shameful.

I was watching Mission Impossible. It's on Channel 20. And there was a scene where Pete Gray. The old show itself? The old show itself. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah. He walks into a guy's house to talk to him.

first thing you did in the 60s on television when a man walked into your house was you turned around. You didn't even ask. There wasn't like Leah, do you want a breakfast drink? No, no, no. You came here to bother me in my office. We might as well have a drink. And he turned around. And it was a

real drink. And they opened up a thing and they put ice cubes in there. They already had ice cubes. That to me was the most fucking amazing thing in the world. Totally agree. And then they show a bottle with no label on it. It was brown. And there was one that was white. And they poured the brown, you didn't ask your host,

whiskey or gin, you just poured them, and you said like this, and you tapped, and after the first drink, so what brings it to my home? Exactly. Well, Jason Tebow and also, in that same scene, the guy would turn and offer you a cigarette. And right there, he'd start smoking a cigarette on television. That's what men did in those days on TV.

I think it still exists, but for me, it's like having a bar that I go to every day after work. Like, I don't have that, I feel ashamed sometimes. I have that. I had that, that I was, I grew up in a bar. me too and I saw the social drinking and I never liked the end result

I never liked the end result I always enjoyed the let's get a drink I remember the first time somebody asked me to go get a sociable I felt like a fucking man I was like 16 and a half and he asked me to go to Lute Eye and those days when somebody asked you to go to Lute

was let's do a lute I got a couple ludes that split a lute and go get a sociable and I never forget him like drinking at the bar having a drink at two in the afternoon and being so excited but it was such a leg down

like all right so we had a drink now what? Right. And I go home and I feel like shit but what saved me all those years because there's nothing I love more than a cold, cold, cold, cold can of Budweiser.

That is my blood. If I was in it when I got when I got cooked up if you asked me if I gave you an ball, Joey, what are you going to get? I'd get a case of cans, go home and put 12 in the fucking freezer. Yep. And every time I take one out of the

freezer, I put another six-pack. I love my cans of butt. And I would do a line and drink a half of that motherfucker cold. I don't know nothing now. I don't know about your fat tie, which I do like fat tie with the lemon in it. I don't know about these other ales and all this shit. I know the juice for cocaine.

But today, I couldn't drink two beers. When I did Coke, I could drink those 24 cans and Free hours team? Absolutely. And not be hung over the next day. Not at all. Oh, I'd be

I like the taste of that beer. Because whenever I get, I smoke and then try to drink, I don't get drunk. Like, if I'm already high, I don't get drunk. So, does it work? Well, that's because you think you have six beers, but you probably just sip on one for, like. No, I'm a hot, like, I don't like beer. I'm a hard liquor guy. So, like, I was wondering, like, would be.

Yeah, he always drinks the whiskey and the coat, whatever the fuck. I have like Maker's Mark. Maker's Mark. Yeah, I was a whiskey guy myself. Whiskey and beer. beer were really all that I really ever would drink. Jamison or what did you? Pretty much you name it. If it was brown

I was down. When I drank whiskey for those two or three years I liked it. I liked how the whiskey and the Coke felt. Sure. Oh, whiskey and cocaine with some refra. Damn! Yeah. I used to be hooked on Harvey's Bristol cream. I used to take this girl

down the shore and that's the only thing that I ever made my dick hard for long in the minute. I'd have to drink Harvey's Bristol cream on the rocks. It was like a a stronger Irish cream at the time. And my dick would stay hard on Coke with that shit for some reason. I never drank it again. I don't know what the fuck happened.

But I get fucking. You start soaking your dick in that shit. Oh my God. Once I started getting hung over, I had Mike Lee. That's the part where I don't like. You're not a big... I never thought of you, you know, I've known you a long time, as like a big drinker. I know you had a big Coke past.

I do remember some of your Coke days. You're going to tell you in. But you give me four lines of Coke. Yes. And you're done. See, that's what I mean. You have alcohol in your house, it's done. Absolutely.

Once I went to your house and there's four lines of Coke and you said, Joey, why don't you just hang out here? And I go, what do you have to drink? I got two cases of beer. I got two bottles of whiskey. After about two hours, you're like, I don't see Joey a drinker, but he's giving me a run for my money. See, I was the opposite. I would drink eight, nine beers. And then I'm like, hey, this guy's got Coke.

I'll do it. I was the opposite way. I would get a hammer. But now when you do the Coke, how would the beer feel? Now you would drink. I'm like, water. You're basically going like this with your dick in your hand.

Piss in the mouth. It's amazing. It really is... Once you have a gram of Coke in your lead, you're basically drinking to hydrate and the body just pisses it out. And I would literally be at a party or something like this and somebody would have, you know, a fucking gram or whatever the fuck. Like, hey, I'd left something for you in the back of the toilet.

You know that, you know, the top of the toilet, put a little Kleenex over it or something like, hey, I'd left you a couple bumps or something. And I would fucking, you know, I'd be so... drunk, you know, I got a whole bottle of Jack Daniels in me, and I would stumble to the bathroom, and everybody would be like, well, that guy's probably going to go in there and die puke. I would do a couple

bumps, and I would come back out, sober as fuck. And now I can start over it. You know, it would erase all that you would drink, and now you could drink for two, three straight days. You know, you go to like any meetings or any 12-step program or any kind of rehabs

or anything like that, and people will be like, you'll always hear alcoholics or people that have a drinking problem and be like, the minute I found cocaine, I was a ticking time bomb. Because now you're indestructible with your drinking. You know, now I could, you know, you could get drunk as fuck, do two lines of Coke,

and then start drinking again. You know, so it's like, you know, one hand to wash the other. And then it's, you know, nine months later and, you know, you're selling your car. You know, you suck a dick for fucking... I remember drinking shit that I would never drink sober. Oh, that's

the worst. Like drinking gin on the rock. Gin's terrible. I would never drink that sober, but when that cocaine's in your body burning, you got to turn that fire down with alcohol. I was going to say, how did you stay so skinny? I don't know. I've just always had the metabolism

of a crack addict. Because, I mean, were you having all just straight liquor, like shots? What do you have actual drinks? No, I would usually go like Jack and Cokes. Whiskey Neat was another one of my go-toes. Just put it in a glass, fuck face.

You know what I mean? No ice. I don't have time for that bullshit. I don't have time for all the sugar from Coke. After a while I'll be scotch neat, whiskey neat. Oh, I love to. But beers, I would pound beers. A little dooze on the rocks.

Absolutely. With a fucking, with a can of a bud, a bud can cold. I don't even want the frosty mug. Take that frosty mug and shove it up your ass with the rants dressing. Yep. Give me the fucking can with a fucking napkin around me. I want my skin to stick to that fucking can. That's how I called.

I wanted. That's how cold. When I was in high school, there was a guy named Ernie who had a bar on 39th Street by where they buried my mother's cemetery. Ernie served anybody. As long as you had cash, Ernie served you. And he used to give you those beers that looked like a mug, like

a keg? Oh, uh, Heinikins? Oh, no, no. Heinekins has those fat ones. Those little rangolds. And we would fucking bang on his door at 5 in the morning. And you could see him through the hole sleeping on the pool table. And you get up. What do you the fuck you want? We want to give you two more dollars for a beer, mister?

Ernie, we need two cases. Who the fuck is this? Coco, I was just. is here four in the morning. Come on, I gave you a bump. He was around the corner from where the flower guy was. Yeah, I know. You took us there. I took him to Ernie's. I took him to Ernie's was a fucking, that guy was. Is he still alive? This guy? I don't, fuck. I don't even think Ernie's was open. I don't think it's a Spanish bar. It's Ernesto now.

I belong to some Spanish bar. Ernesto. So what morning did you wake up and you said, this is it? I got to do something. You know, it was probably it wasn't really just a more, I think it was like a couple weeks of just like sick of shit being the same you know

work on a on a TV show during football season the Red Zone channel that job was up my sub lease was up so I was like I can get a new apartment and I was crashing it on Tripoli's couch I was crashing in my girlfriend at the times

you know it was just kind of like in this limbo you know I was going in like the store and the improv and the ice house every night just because I knew I could knock down a bunch of free booze just pissing through cash it just felt like Groundhog's Day. It was like the same fucking day. The weather here was the same every day.

Everything just felt like the same fucking shit. And I was like, you know, I had an opportunity. I'd go back to my hometown right aside Chicago. There's a recovery house there that I knew from when I was sober before. Because I was sober for like three years. And then I started drinking again. I went out for like two years. And it was way worse second time than it was.

Yeah, yeah. The addiction grows. Oh, yeah. It was way worse. and I was just like having thoughts like man I should just fucking if I get a gun man I could just

fucking kill my son then you start thinking about the shit you got to fur out before you kill yourself you know all this shit and I'm like what the fuck this is fixable like I just need to go away for a while you know so I was going to leave for

90 days I was going to go to this recovery house and and I wound up and so I went up staying in my hometown for like another three months after being there. And so I didn't, I did one gig with Renazizi. First week I was in Chicago area because I already had it booked with them.

And then I started going to this recovery house. And then I didn't do any gigs for like two, two and a half months. Just going to two to three meetings a day. I was seeing an addiction therapist twice a week. and then I was working at Habitat for Humanity. Cold winter, cold like two degrees without the wind. It would just, it would be one o'clock in the afternoon, sun would be up, and you'd look at the thermometer, just say two.

You know, like, fuck. Like you're building houses. One house, yeah, we just did one house. You did a whole house? Because I did that in South Carolina, but I was only there for like a week. So you were there for the entire time? No, when I got to do about like half done with it. And when I left, they were almost.

I think they just faced. finished it this week because a friend of mine just sent me a picture of it and shit that's what hitler told the jews it's Habitat for humanity get in there you're gonna build houses some buffets and shit everything's good i think there i saw a unicorn in there it looks awesome un fucking believable un fucking believable so you go to this habitat for humanity they pay no uh well i did two different things there one i worked at this place called the restore where people would donate you know you're getting your kitchen redone you could donate or you could either try to sell all your old countertops or you could do you could do you could

donate it to Habitat from Indiana, you get a tax right off, and they would come pick it up. So he was like a professional mover. Like, every day I would, you know, one day a week I would do that. And then we just have, they're going to these four houses, we had a big ass fucking U-Haul truck that they own, and then we would just go there and just haul shit. I know, that was

brutal. That was the worst, because it was always somebody had a fucking grand piano that they built the house around. You don't know, no clue how to get through any of these doors. It's going on third floor. You got a fucking shitty dolly. You know, you don't want to not fuck up their stairs. And it was The shit people wanted to get rid of.

And then there's snow on the ground. Ice. One time we had to move a fucking piano out of a church basement. They're gutting this church. So they leave. They're like going. You guys take whatever the fuck you want. Just clear it all out. Because whatever you don't take, we're going to have throw out. So you're going there all day. We're fucking moving on the shit. The worst thing

was this fucking one of them. You know those elementary school? They would like stand up piano. It's not a grand piano, but it would just be like a wall piano. The one you can roll around? Yeah. You think you could roll it around. But we've got to go up this fucking ramp, like a handicapped ramp going outside. But it is

stone fucking full of ice. I mean, it's the dead of fucking February. So we go out and I got a crowbar and this other guy that I work with who's probably got about 90 pounds on you and you got about three inches on them. Right?

This guy. And he's got a hammer. So we got hammer and a crowbar. When our hands and knees, he's just breaking all this ice up so we can push this shitty fucking piano all the way up. And then when we got it to the top of the driveway, we had to get it up this truck

with all the sites. It was a nightmare. It was a nightmare. So I would do that and that would pay. That paid. So I'd make a little money when I was doing that shit. And then when I would work on the house, that was like volunteering. So you're just doing drywall and a lot of painting, painting doors, painting trim, just any kind of shit. It was like a contractor there. It would just be like, you know, what do you want me to do

today? Be like, yeah, go fucking paint that wall. And you would just do it. You know, it just got me so out of it. Not only was it different shit I was doing. I was around, like, real Midwest people. Nobody was constantly on their fucking cell phone. No one was wrapped up in their own shit.

No one's constantly asking me you about your resume. You know, you were just in real life. But the weather was so different than 82 and sunny every day that it just felt, like, I wanted to feel like myself again. Really, really, that's really what I was really trying to get back. You know, I wanted to get some time under my belt of not drinking every day or five days a week or whatever the fuck. But I really just wanted to fucking feel like myself again. Like the guy that moved out that was happy and hopeful and, you know, gave a fuck.

I didn't give a fuck anymore, Joe. You know what I mean? I really quit giving it fuck. For about two months. I love the one thing you did. You did the smartest thing that nobody ever thinks about. Everybody always is looking. When I got fucked up in 92, I was really bad shape after my divorce.

I kept sitting in and I could go What am I gonna do? I can't afford to live I mean I was in that borderline Type of stuck that you can't even get out of bed Yeah, I was the beginning of a sort of depression But I still had enough money to do blow every night Absolutely you know every night I went downstairs and stole the gram from the fucking landlord I still had money to do blow

You know I cracked up my car You find a way And I remember I said fuck this And I called my buddy and go dog I'm lost I need for you to send me money for a plane thing ticket. And I knew a guy and I bumped like 2,000 volumes from him. I told him I'll be back in a week.

I knew I wasn't coming back in the fuck a week. 2000. Oh, yeah. He's like, take this. You can make 10,000. The only one of it was startup money. Yeah. And that was it. He gave me 2,000. And this guy had killed somebody at some tavern. He had just got a jig. It was the lot guy at Boulder, Chrysler Plymouth, something.

And I became friends. He was one of those guys that was. If I was 20-something, he was 50, but he was still, he still listened to ACDC, man. He was a young 50. He was a young 50. He had shown heroin for 30 years of his life, then did 20 years in prison.

He was out, and now he had like two kids. One was like two and the other one was four. He was working as a lot, man. Remember the type of people I told I didn't want to be? When I saw him, I'm like, this is what I'm going to end up being. Yeah. You know, I saw a lot of that too. Yeah, you saw a lot of that.

There was a lot. I mean, I don't want to. But you went home. home. And sometimes the best thing to do is go home, go to your old bedroom, walk around your neighbor, walk around your school to remember who the fuck you were. To smell that. That is so key. That is

so key. And nobody does that. No, I'm going to go to something. Listen, you want to get cleaned up, go back to your neighbor. Go to your grammar school. Walk the stairs. Because what's going to come back to you is what you were thinking about at that age. It's exactly what happened. Of who you wanted to be. Totally happened. Now you're pounding

nails. Every fucking nail you you pound and cold you are. Now you're thinking about your life and when you went wrong. Yep. It's quiet. You have an iPod on or whatever the fuck you got in your head and you're just nailing. You know, if I come to you, when you're rehabbing, like whatever it is drugs, a girlfriend threw you out,

somebody died. You want to, don't get a job where you have to talk to people. You want to think. Apply for a painter's job. You come to work, you smoke a fucking tutsu, you put your little van halin on. You come up, you tape the walls, you sand them, you put the holes in

and you're by yourself. Yeah. And sometimes, and without the phone and without people calling you and saying, hey, how much would you charge me for this gig? And without somebody come up to you and saying how funny you are, how come you not getting spots, that shit will fucking wear on you. You did. And it was like two years of that that it really, I mean, it felt like because it always feels like the same day in L.A.

It felt like four or five months. But then every now and then some shit would happen where I'd be like, oh, fuck, yeah, it's been like just for two years. Like nothing's going to fucking change if I don't change something. The worst feeling in the world is to be stuck. Yep. Lee has issues we spoke last night. You know, I've always had issues with it.

You know, sometimes you're stuck in a comedy. Sometimes you're stuck. It's stuck, and you know when you're stuck. In relationship, you know when you're stuck. Both fucking angles, somebody's going to get pissed. And stuck doesn't even really mean bad necessarily. No, no, no, no, no. I called you last night because I was thinking about it.

I was up to like 3 in the morning, just, It's crazy that I went to college And you have to do that now to get a job But now I'm 27 And I'm just now figuring out what I want to do And And it's But it's

I know what I want to do But not really Because I know Like Because who knows how long podcasting is going to last I'd love to do this for another 40 years But who knows what will happen So I'm just

I was just thinking last And like I don't know where I want to go and I just, I turned my TV off, and I just, I folded shirts for like two hours. I think I figured something out and we'll see. But it's just, it's, it's, I always knew what I wanted to do. I went to college where if you didn't know what you wanted to do, you, if you wanted to switch majors, you had to transfer because there's like two majors. So it's just, it's, uh, it's a weird place for me. I'm not used to being here.

Being stuck in careers, like you, you mentioned something really interesting, which I want to talk to you about before. I forget. True. What year did we shoot that porno video? Huh? Which one? The one we did by the pool

where I got into the argument Oh shit. I forgot about that. Me, you, Tripoli? No, it was Duncan. Oh my God. It was me and Duncan that went to that and that it was at that mansion.

Right. It was fucking year. There was another car. But Tripoli was there. And Ahmed Ahmed. Ahmed. Ahmed was there. I came with Duncan,

but Tripoli was there. And did Duncan perform too? Duncan. No, no, no. we just knew you were performing because we were all, that was like, dude, that was like 97, 98. Because we all had just kind of moved out here

and started like, you know, getting to know who's who. And you were one of our favorites. No, Duncan. He was still Mitsy's driver. He wasn't even town coordinator yet. He was driving Mitsy around. Because Mitsy let him, Mitzie Shore, who was owner of the comedy store,

Mitsy let him use her, because she wasn't driving anymore at that point in time. and Mitzi let him use her old Jaguar because his car broke down. So he had Mitsy's like 1986 fucking Jaguar for about a year, maybe two years. She's just used it. I don't use it. It's just collecting dust. So he was driving her like pimped out.

So we thought we were bawling, man. We had a 10-year-old Jaguar. We were driving to this mansion in the hills and watch Joey Diaz. It was crazy. That was crazy. It was like a girl's gone wild. That's what they wanted. thing. Yeah. But was it like a comedy

special? No, no. It was like a like there was girls gone wild with comedy, sex shows. There was girls naked, topless girls playing volleyball in the pool. Ugly as fuck. And the girls that were hot had clothing on. They were like fake models that like an agency sent.

And I remember I kept saying shit to the one girl and she walked away. She's like, fuck you or something. Yeah, you got into it with some girls. You were hilarious. Oh my god, we tormented this girl. Yeah. Because you knew she wanted to talk to us, but she was acting stuck up. And once I yelled and called her a dirty

bitch, then I couldn't get her off me. It was hilarious. Won't you insult a woman? She was done. She kept, like, coming over, and the more she'd drink, she'd give me the evil eye. Once they start giving you evil, they're going to suck your dick. You know what I'm saying? They give you, like, evil eye. Like, he's got me, this

motherfucker. I started tormenting about it. There was a little room, like a guest room. There was a few of them. And I remember the guy that came with his wife and was letting guys fuck his wife. Yeah, uh-huh. There's all kinds of shit like that going on. Oh, there was all kinds of shit like that going on.

Like it was a big compound, like a huge house in the hills, but it was at the top of this hill. So it had a pool, they had a pool house, they had the regular house and then they had all this food set up and free, everything was free. Food was free, drinks were free cocktails, weed, the guy told me if you come out. There'll be 20 joints for you in the trailer. Oh, yeah. There was 20 joints

from me. We smoked one after the other and there was another pound going around. Yeah, so you would walk around. That was a positive deal. To take It was free. How long were you there? All day. All day. All day.

11 to 9. It was like a giant pool party. And they paid me like three, four, five hundred. Ahmed Ahmed said it up. I met Ahmed set it up. Yeah. It was an I met I met. I think Sergio Love might have been there.

Sergio Love was there giving out that fake blow. Last night I was taking the shit. I was thinking about Sergio Love. And Sergio Love used to have the worst blow in the world. The worst. Absolutely. You didn't even know if it was working. He was.

would call me the next day and asked me how it was. And I go, it's great. It was filled with amino acids. That's why you're getting so big, Sergio. Those things are just protein powder. Fuck you. I just got the, okay, whatever. I would just torment him. So why would you buy it?

Because he was confronted to me at four in the morning. I know. It's the only fucking option in your head. You just roll the dice. He was the last package of the night Coke. Yeah. And it really wasn't. Sometimes he gave you a good bet. Sometimes I go and he'd be passed out and I go in his pocket.

And he charged me for one, but I'd take three. You know what I'm saying? Like shit like that. Sergio was priceless. The best was the night he left me a gram in a motorcycle pouch. And when I went to the pouch, a white chick came from the shadow. She's like, where's Sergio? It was the scariest thing in the world.

It was the white chick that tried to kill herself at the comedy store. Way, way before you guys' time. There was a white waitress that was very sweet. And she started messing around with the black manager that was hanging around there a couple years ago again. Oh. I came back as a comic. When he came back from Texas, I have not seen him in a while. A black manager.

And he was hanging out with your C or somebody. And he was hanging out with this white chick, and he broke her heart. And she tried to kill herself. And she had to quit the store. Nobody remembers her name. I asked my wife the other day. My wife remembers the situation. It was kept hush-hosh at the store.

And just got rid of her. She went away. Sergio bumps into her at a bar in fucking Hollywood, takes her home, fucks the shit out of him. Now she's in love with Sergio. Of course. So she's stalking Sergio. And she was in his garage hidden. I hope in those days he'd say, I'll leave you the Coke in the pouch,

and have to open up his garage and go get the Coke. She was already in the garage waiting for him, guys. I almost had a fucking heart attack. So the rumor was that Sergio had given the Coke to Freddy the night he died. I'd heard that, yeah. But the real story was that Sergio walked in as Freddie was leaving. Freddy was waiting for Sergio, but him and his cousin went somewhere else to get to blow. So the word on the street was that Sergei was that Sergio,

Joe's Coke had killed him. The little rumor at the comedy store. Which that place is terrible for that shit. It's terrible for. Eleanor wanted to kill him. Ari was mad at Sergio. You know, Ari, till this day, still not cool with Sergio. He always says it's the Coke. He's always coked up, but it's all because of Freddy's soda.

Because in the back, but Freddy died from alcohol with the Valiums. They said they didn't find them. Now, that's what I'd always heard, but then just going to the store a lot, you hear those memories. This place is terrible. So at that time, the longest yard had had just come out. And I was on the road every week. And when Freddie died, I was on the road. I didn't go to the funeral all the wake.

And we're talking about a comic name Preddy Soto. And I'll never forget. I was just thinking about this last night. He's the first person ever bring me up at the comedy store. In the OR. In the OR. Good kid. And I remember that fucking. Sergio called me in Atlanta one night. I was in Atlanta at the, before it was this club that it is not the improv, not the play. The Laughing Skull? Before Laughing Skull, that got kid, the manager there had a different bar. They had two comedy clubs. One there, one in Toledo, Ohio. And I was there for the weekend.

I was dying, Tibo, dying a slow death. They were all Adam Sandler fans, and they would see my set and run the fuck out of there. They thought they were going to do, like, the Hanukkah song? Oh, my God, I was horrible. And I went back to my hotel room, and I'm sitting there, debate in my life. I had no blow.

And the phone rings at Sergio Love. And I'm talking to Sergio, and I'm like, Sir, and in the middle of all this, I go, Sergio. And I thought, like, I knew Sergio. Sergio was my buddy. I love Sergio. I've known him for a very long time. I love Sergio.

I have no problem with him. I love him. And I go, Sergio, can I talk to you about something? There's a word going on in the street of a rumor. He's like, what are you talking about? I go, listen, there's a rumor that your Coke killed Freddy. He's like, no, I didn't give it time. I go, because it would be fucked up that for years I've been buying coke from you.

And the one night you get good Coke, the motherfucker dies. Oh, my God. There was silence. And all of a sudden, we both busted out because I kept my fucking, I, I sold it. Yeah. I'm like the one night you get good Coke, you kill his fucking friend. I remember, man, he used to, this might be after you, probably quit doing Coke or whatever, but he used to live in this, like, hotel, like, almost like a high-rise hotel.

Sergio. Yes. On sunset. Okay, that was. A big black building on sunset. Kind of like east, kind of by where the radial tower is, you know, that, like, KTLA or whatever the fuck that is, a big black building. but I guess there was condos in there or something like that he was living in there

and that's where his guy his hookup or whatever back in the day I'm not even sure that building is still functional but you would the parking garage was in the basement of it and you had to have this pass code you know if you were staying at the hotel they would give you the code

then you can push the four numbers and then you can go into the bottom garage well you would text you know what's up or what's the numbers or whatever they would know that you were looking for code they would just text you the code, you would pull right into this hotel, type it in, go into a little basement, the motherfucker's standing right there, just waiting for you for whatever you wanted.

And then you would give him the, you know, give him money, he would give you coke. It was like a drive-thru. How do you guys know the same dealer? Did you go, like, hang out at the store? Well, no, he wasn't the dealer, but you could get coke from him because of his guy, but he's a comic. He was a comic. Oh, okay. Mm-hmm.

He was a comic. But anybody that does coke in L.A. knows some of the, eventually you're going to cross and know, like, oh, yeah, I know. that dude i got some coke from that guy or whatever i used to have this english guy the name of english dave it's like a pretty big like coke dealer back in the day uh uh in hollywood this is like the

late 90s early thousands and uh back at the uh coaching horses remember that bar yes did something else now but back then that was like a fucking great dive bar you know gary shanling a lot of people would just go in there because you could just hide in the shadows it's crowded with 40 people in there you can't even move it's a small dive bar but that's where this guy would always set up shop and he would always do the same gag to anybody new that was getting coke from him you know if you

get a hook up and you'd be like yeah this guy's cool you you know you have to introduce him the first time and then he would be like hey be cool just slide me you know give me the money under the under the bar you'd hand him 60 bucks under the bar and then you know like there's people around so you got to be really cool and then he would throw it on the ground and you'd be like you dropped your package right there you know what I mean and everybody would look and make you would have to pick the coke up off the floor like a jackass. He did that to everybody and every time somebody knew it would come by you'd be like, hey man,

get him with it, you know what I mean? Make him look like a fucking dick. I'd fucking die if he did that. I think I'd kill him right down to the stuff. You dropped your packy. You dropped your packy. I think one of the highest nights ever on Coke, I was in the coaching of horses. I had gone from, this is 98. I had gone for an audition downtown

and I got lost and I ended up in Echo Park and I'm getting a flat tie. I can feel it going I'm like, fuck, fuck, book, pick, pick, but I'm like, God damn. I'm right there. As I'm driving the park is, I'm behind that Cuban neighborhood. I didn't know it was a Cuban neighborhood then. And I'm stuck at a light, and all of a sudden I see two cop cars go, they get out, and they pull their weapons, they shoot the fucking guy.

This is my first six months in L.A. maybe. Oh, shit. I see the guy go down, then the police helicopter comes, and also, the cop cars are coming up. Oh, my gosh. So I turn around, I get out of there, and I don't know who to call. So I call Marilyn Martinez. Uh-huh. Of course.

Who else? This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to send over Dave, my husband. Dave took the tire off, took it right there. And I go park up the hill. There's a tire place for five bucks. Got a new tire. And we got the talk.

And he goes, have you ever met my brother-in-law? He's a Cuban dude. He just got out of the chair. You want to go meet him? I go, yeah, let's go over there. We went over there. He went over there. I was like, you snor coke.

Yeah. He goes, let me give you an eight ball. How does this always happen to you? This was crazy. He goes, if you like, come back. He goes, I charge like $125 for eight balls. Echo Park. I take that eight boy. I go home. I do two bumps of it.

It is out of this world. Oh shit. It is like the best Coke I've done in 10 years. I'm jawing. I'm fucking seeing things. I got two lines in me. Next thing you know, I'm fucking going for broken. I called Josh Wolf. We go over there. We start pounding over there. We walk over

the coaching horses. And who's in coaching horses? But Stan Hope and David Fulton. I'll never forget going up to those guys. And I could not sit there. Like, when Stan Hand Hope says to you, hey dog, you better go outside. I remember smoking and the cigarette was moving with my jaw. It was just horrible. I couldn't contain my jaw.

That's like Miles Davis going, man, you're really black. And I went and I fucking left there and walked to Vista where Josh Wolfe lived on that street. And I had a car there. Yeah. I had my car there and I went and I put the air on and I just pushed the seat back. And I lay back there until 4 in the morning. I must have had another two grams in my pocket. I didn't touch it.

That coat carried me through it. It was that strong. I sat there fucking jaw, couldn't focus, couldn't jerk off, couldn't get a hard on. I couldn't do dick. I was so fucked up on that tooth. That was my last coaching horse. I was never really a big coachman. I think in my whole life I was dead and I, the chick smack Rogan in the face.

Back when he, the first year on news radio, he walked in there. Some chick went up to him drunk and started, you know, because all the whole thing. in this town would somebody take television that seriously. They went up to him. I wasn't even standing them. I was like 10 feet away. It was talking to like three girls. And some girl was talking about a cat. I'll never forget that conversation.

And the girl reached over and just smack Joe. And Joe grabbed her hand and was like, what the fuck are you doing? And she went off about news radio that he had said something in his faith. That's when he didn't smoke pot. I thought he was going to crush her wrist with his hand. A lot of people don't remember those kids.

He didn't smoke pot. That he didn't smoke pot. Not only did he not smoke it. He used to be so mean to us. Me and uptight and uptight. Oh, you guys are going to go smoke your dummy? Oh, yeah, yeah. Smoke your dummy cigarettes and get stupid.

Oh, my God. And then he starts smoking pot when I quit, and it's like, I'm like, I can't win with Joe Rogan. I can't win with you, kid. He used to torment Ralphie Mae. He used to ask us, you want to come over to the strip club? No. What are you going to do? Sit here and smoke that shit, that dummy shit, you're fucking loses.

I sit there and go, you don't know what you're missing, cock sucker. Well, now he does. And now and now he's like, oh, you don't want to expand your mind, you dummy. I'm like, I'm always a dummy with you. Why? I can't win, man. I'm always a dummy. Now, what made you, when did you know you were ready to come back?

It was a combination of things. In August, that, working on writing on that football show starts back up. Okay. And, you know, I really wanted to get 90 days. That was my goal. I couldn't get 30 in L.A. for a year. So I was like, man, I just want to get 90 days.

And then once I got to 90 days, I was like, I started booking gigs at Zanis, the Laugh Factory, all these different clubs in Chicago. I love that town so much. And it's about a 40-minute train ride from my hometown. Shout out to Michigan City, Indiana. Ride on Lake Michigan, it's about a 40-minute train ride. So I would take the train in the city, start doing gigs.

But it didn't, I didn't want to just come back to L.A., start going to the comedy. and just start doing the same old shit I was doing. That was a big fear of mine. That was going to come back and shit was just going to be right back to where it was. And I would just lose whatever. So it really was part of like sort of like, I'll say reinventing myself, but feeling like my fucking self again. That's where I started gigging.

You know, when I was 20, I started in Chicago. I started doing stand up there. And I'm going to all these new clubs at Up Comedy Clubs, beautiful up there. I love Zaney's one of my favorite clubs. Laugh actor was super cool to me. So I was going in there doing, you know, one or two gigs a week. and I was just loving it you know

and now it's starting to turn to spring and everybody's in a fucking good mood and everybody's so happy and nice and the weather's you know so I'm like I'm gonna stick around on the 4th of July

you know so I left I came back like that maybe the 10th or 9th or 10th of July so once I got once the spring started coming it was getting really nice we're almost done with that house I kind of wanted to see that through

and work through that job and I was like I just randomly picked right after the 4th of July you know and then I head back So, but yeah, it really was weather. It was weather started to get nice. I had four months.

I remember February 1st I did that gig with Steve, Renazizi. I took the train in Chicago. It was 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I got off the train February 1st. I'm walking on Michigan Avenue. And I'm fucking looking at my phone to see what the temperature is. And it was just straight up zero. Just nothing.

It was dead even zero degrees, 31 mile an hour wind. So it was like 22 degrees below. Zero. And that whatever you didn't have covered, I'd like fucking long johns on, two pairs of socks, two pairs of gloves, a hat, two scarves. Just a little part of your face that maybe goggles could fit on. If that was covered, wasn't covered, it just felt like you were constantly getting slapped by someone with a big fat ass hand. It was just like getting slapped in the face repeatedly, why every step you would take. So once the weather started to get nice, and now I'm doing gigs again. I hadn't done gigs in like three months. And that's the longest I've gone in probably a decade of not gigging, you know. You know, and I had new material.

And I, you know, I caught my hair and I fucking started, you know, went clean shaving and all this shit. Because I'm like, you know, my insides, I felt different on the inside. I didn't feel like that hopeless. Like I want to fucking put a gun in my mouth. Nothing's going to get any better. I didn't feel like that anymore. But every time I'd be brushing my teeth in the morning, I look at myself. I still look like the guy that used to fucking want to put a gun in his mouth.

So I'm like, all right, I'm going to cut my hair, I'm going to shave, I'm going to fucking do all, you know, different things. So I just look different on the outside because I felt different on the inside. So when I was doing that, the weather got nice. I was like, I'm going to stick around here and do some gigs in Chicago and do some clubs that I don't usually get to do regularly. And everybody was so cool there. All the different clubs were just like, you know, let me call the veils in. And like, you know, as long as you're here, man, you know, just hit us up. Let us know what day you're in Chicago.

So Saturday will be six months. Yes, sir. And how do you feel? The truth, us as men. How do you feel? I feel good. I feel good. You know, I'm not going to sit here.

Do you want to go to the comedy store, have a cocktail, get your dick sucked? That's the bottom line. I'll take the latter. Of course, I want to get my next. But, you know, I can't, there's just shit, you know, if I want things to be different, I have to do different things. That's the way I see it. So if I want to come back here, go to the comedy store when I don't have a spot, get there at eight, leave at three, do that five nights a week. That's what I was doing.

So if I start doing that shit again, I'm going to feel like that again. I'm not a whiner, and I'm not saying this in any negative form. Part of me leaving the store wasn't Tommy. It wasn't Rogan. It was, I just had a go. It wasn't helping my addiction. I had a go. One thing about the store that, if you notice about the store, a lot of people go in and they get fucked up.

When I first got here, there was two kids that were the nicest, sweetest kids in the world. I forgot what their fucking name was. It doesn't really matter. And one was a dog guy, and we'd talk, and we'd smoke dope, and he'd tell me about how he got an agent. And, you know, and all of a sudden, next thing, you know, he's teamed up with three other fucking morons. And they were young kids.

And they're drinking. And I would get to the store at 9, you know, trying to get a fallout, because my spot was at 1230. I was a loser. I had nothing else going on. Absolutely. And I'd go to the store at 9, and I'd have my Coke. in my pocket and I'd start

drinking for free and once I got off stage that's when I hit the Coke. And I seen these three kids just get sucked in. And next thing you know I asked where's the one kid and they said you don't know what happened? He OD'd on heroin in the back where they have the VIP now in the back. I know he you're talking about. He OD

back then. It was Larry Vazio was part of that crew. I know exactly you're talking about. And I seen and you know you heard the stories of Kennison. You heard you know that place was a haven of death from 80 to 94 or something. And when I went in there, I'm not fucking blaming the comedy store at all,

but you're there. And it's there. And it's 20 bucks. And you're with friends. And you're having a few drinks, and you're talking about comedy. And you know what? I don't really like talking to people, but you give me three lines. I'll talk to a fucking homeless guy for an hour about the history of fucking the United States or the movie slash or whatever the fuck it is. How his boner has stigmata? Yeah. So, uh, uh, it. It did really, when I wanted to stay clean, I knew the comedy store wasn't going to. It felt like I was going back to the place that took me down in a way.

Like I was like, you know what? Yeah. Just something about that place. I got to stay out there. I got to find Joey again. Yeah. You know, my recovery, I did it in my apartment. There was no money.

There was no flight to Jersey this last time. This was going to bed at 9 and forcing myself to go to bed so the addiction wouldn't wake me up at 10.30. And it did a couple nights. addiction will wake your fucking shit up and go just not one drink. Absolutely. It's fine. And I'm very fortunate that, yes, I smoke marijuana. And yes, I'll have, I had an Irish cream on the flight the other day.

I was fucked up on those stars. I was hitting this vapor pen. I might as well get a fucking Irish cream. You can't get hooked on Irish. The lady kept coming back going, you want another one? I'm like, no, it's Bailey's. Yeah, I know. Bayleys are right with a couple of ice cubes in the morning.

It's delicious. It's like someone being addicted to acid. It's like you're not. There's no way. So that's the extent of my drinking. But I'm very happy. I'm very happy for you because I got to tell you something, you have no idea what's coming down your road if you stick to this.

And you know what, Tim, listen, if you smoke a hit and drink, I'm not going to judge you. It's the devil that got you to that dance that you really have to focus on. In my world, when I sat down and said, listen, we never made me go to the ATM at 6 o'clock and cut and run red lights. Absolutely. Because at 8 o'clock, Tebow, my insides would burn. Peebo, my insides would burn.

I can't even describe that I couldn't even think. I remember my wife talking to me about life and what's coming on in 9.30. I couldn't even hear the things. You know, it was like, and eventually I'd just have to get up, and I'd make believe I was doing something, and I'd take the ATM car and run to the rouse, rock and roll rouse. And I'd take $60 out, and I'd go to that. the D's house and pick up 60 bucks,

all compadre, and pick up four packages. And once I had it in my hand, that released the anxiety. Now the anxiety was gone. I can relate to that. And I got to deal with the 1115 spot, and it's only 8.45. I would count the minutes.

Count the fucking minutes. You would never do blow before you went on. No. I would take, go home, drop two packages off at the house, and take one in my pocket, and I put in my top thing right here. And I get all. You get three separate 20 bags. Whatever I would get, what it was, 60 or 20.

But here's the beauty of it. I would go up there. What's the biggest rumor about me? Dog, he leaves right after his scent. You know, that's how you knew. There wasn't a hello. There wasn't a picture. It was basically...

Outline of smoke where your body used to be. Get the fuck away from me. It's over. Joe Rogan would be furious. Where Joey go? Ask Redband. Where Joey go? That motherfucker.

I was the king. There was no way I wanted to hear What you had to say about my set Comedy whatever the fuck you thought I didn't give a fuck I would get that I would pull out of the comedy store Cross over to the middle lane

Make the left at the House of Blues And pray for that light to be yellow As I was going down the hill Because that would give me three minutes To go on my pocket Take the bin First off before I crossed sunset I already had a dollar bill rolled up in my hand

Oh yeah And as I was driving East on Fountain I would just be doing the 20 until by the time I got to Hollywood to La Brea By the time I got, no, I lived in Hollywood then So I would drive on

Whatever, what's the road? Fountain? Fountain, yeah. And once I hit LaBrea, I'd throw the $20 binel out the window. I was on fire. Done with it. Now it was a race to get home to take a shit And to hit the rest of that Coke.

I would see, there was times where I, in my life And I had a Coke run of about, I don't know, six or seven years of, like I said, I was really just to enhance my drink. So I was never, but I can relate to everything you're saying. I had dudes that, like, if I went to coaching horses and I would just see English Dave, I'd see him sitting at the bar. Even if I just popped in there for a fucking afternoon pint or something, you know, I fucking go in there for Budwise or whatever, it doesn't matter. Popping there for a drink, I see him sitting at the end of the bar.

I immediately would have to shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the thing. You see the Coke guy. Oh, my God. You would just see him. And you would have to shit.

Your insides would be so excited that you were going to do blow. It's funny. And I wasn't even planning on it. I wasn't even planning on seeing them. And I would make eye contact with them. And I'd be like, ah, now, now I've got a shit. Talking to you makes me think about my addiction where it was in 94, 95. That was one of the best parts of my addiction because I was divorced.

I was miserable. I was in pain. I was alone. And I was like a squirrel. What's those animals that gather nuts? Yeah, squirrels. Okay, so let's pretend for some reason I found 200 bucks. Vince would give me fucking an 8-ball, and I would front the Graham in those days.

Vince, give me in it, because as long as I had cash with the 8-ball, who's the grand for Jason? He's coming over later. I'll see you tomorrow. I still owe Vince $1,800. I'm waiting to fuck. I thought he would come to my shows in Denver. He still won't fucking. I love that kid with all my heart.

But let's pretend I already had Vince figured out, and it was two in the afternoon. I'd watch TV until about four and at four I'd make my liquor run That's an addict I'd make my liquor run to This place in Boulder I would go to Mo's bagels I'd go to turkey sandwich

Of Swiss cheese a tomato And mayonnaise and salt and pepper Heavy on the pepper And I'd go next door and I'd spend I'd buy whatever I'd buy two six packs of fat tire Enough to get you to tomorrow Two six packs of fat tire

In those days what was I drinking What was the heavy shit I was drinking I forget what the fuck it was. Gin and tonics, maybe. Okay. So I'd buy a bottle of gin, a bottle of tonic, and a couple of limes.

I get a couple airplane bottles of tequila. I mean, this is what I take. Oh, yeah, yeah, because I knew. People think you're going to a fucking bar mitzvice or something. You're like, nah, it's just for me. Hilarious. For 24 hours? And I would get the Coke around 9 o'clock,

the 8 ball and the extra gram, which would be 4.5 fucking grams. That would kill a normal person. That's what five people do. Yeah. That's what five people do. What do you think make, I was going to ask people earlier, what do you guys think makes an addict? Because some people might listen to this and be like, I drink eight beers and I'm fine.

What I'm telling you right now, well, we're both telling these stories, make you a fucking addict. I think the obsession of the mind, I think the fact that you obsess about it when it's not around, the anxiety that you discuss, Joey. And then I think it's like, I really do, because I know people that drink as much as I did, some of them, maybe even more, but their life is fine. The life is manageable. They can just do that. Well, they have control. Yes. And I appreciate those people, but somewhere along the line.

It becomes the priority for me. Yeah, drinking like, I used to have a father-in-law, my ex-wife's father-in-law. You know, he was a lieutenant colonel, but if you called him after seven, that motherfucker would be slurring seven nights a week, and he went to church on Sundays, didn't

curse in his home, didn't drink, didn't smoke, you know, he drank. But he hit those fucking and whiskeys and by seven he'd be slurring. Did he have a problem? Was somebody going to tell him in his school and his day and AIDS, there was no alcohol problem? He just didn't go out and drink in a fucking car. That's it. Nobody

knows. He already had all the money he wanted. He owned an insurance company. Would I call him an alcoholic? I'm not sure. I don't, he was in the problem. Nobody, he never hurt nobody. He never called you and tortured you. He never did nothing like that. Well, you consider yourself addicted to weed then? Because that sounds

kind of like you. Absolutely. Okay. Listen. You know how much of this weed gets me high? How much? I'm sober already. No, you're not. Look at me.

Don't lie. I swear to God. I think he's, I would just think so. I'm telling you as your friend, I'm sobering. This weed does, I'm looking at this shit, and when I go home, I'm packing this up. This does nothing to you, but destroy your lungs. This fucking wax shit. This somebody, this just destroys your lungs.

I'm just doing it as a joke. I'll never do that again. This shit isn't late. lately, like last two or three months, why do you think I was smoking two vapor pensions the day on fucking TV? Because this shit, you know, my next level is to do a line of heroin.

But I won't. This shit ain't doing anything for me. I enjoy the action. I'm an action junkie. The last 10 years I did coke, you really think I enjoyed hiding in a bathroom with no dick, looking at a mirror, picking my fucking scabs that there's nothing in there.

There's a coke rock in my face. See, that's the fucking tweezer. You have no fucking idea. You know, you're like earlier, you were like, yeah, man, you're, you know, you're a good social drinker. I'm not a big drinker, but you're the kind of guy I would like to go out and party with. And, you know, a lot of my friend, you know, Red Band, Jason Glearn. A lot of people I love are like, dude, you're fine, man, you're fine. I'm like, no, you and I quit drinking together at one.

You go home. I go and drink till six in the morning by myself. I'm not fine. You know what I mean? Maybe the two hours you and I knocked down a six pack together, I'm fine. At 115, you're already thinking about it. I got to get out of here because I got to catch the liquor store before it closes it to... 150, 150.

If I'm at the comedy store at 150, and, you know, they're like, hey, you want to go on and fuck around with Don Barrison at the end of the night? I'm like, I got to hit this fucking pink dot. I got 10 minutes to go get a 12-pack. You know what I mean? Or I'm fucked. How much money would you spend the night, do you think? Well, I was the king of, I mean, you know, and you know the deal, dude.

You really get good at spinning. your addiction into free. I could get, I probably average 10 free drinks a night just by knowing bartenders, a comedy store. A couple of my buddies bartender on Hollywood. Even in 12 packs, like what, 15 bucks? By that's it at the end of the night.

He dropped 10 and he drank 55 fucking drinks, 20 shots. He smoked 18 joint at the store. He did three bumps. Somebody offered you met. Somebody offered to take your home and let you pet that. I mean, when you went to this, I mean, I would, There was nights. I didn't have a spot.

And I go, I'm going down to the store to hustle. As I was leaving, I'd see Mazja, Brony. Mine's throwing me a 50 till Friday. Joey, you got to follow him in the ATM machine. That's fine. I'd follow them to the ATM, take a 50, go back to the store, bump into somebody. He goes, Joey, I have something for you.

Remember Chewy? Chewy. I'd have a gram a blow for you. Somebody would come up and go, I got a half gram a blow for you for free. Then somebody would go, I got weed for 20 bucks. The 50 I borrowed from him. So now I just went up there with a zero.

I'm home already with 30. a gram a blow and a fucking eighth of weed a $20 bag of weed That's all I needed for the night I would go out with $20 I would come back with $15 hammered And I got three joints in my pocket

At the store Tuesday through fucking Saturday 10 years ago I was drunk every fucking night I would wait until I do my set And then I'd go crazy Because he'd make me fucking doubles that were the size of fucking

You know What's going on with Tony Bennett You're gonna play him some time This fucking year cock sucking It's a beautiful day They'll be alive. I'm happy, Tebow, that you did what you did.

You're going to see what happens. Thank you, buddy. I hope so. It's fucking amazing. Once you get the mentality that, man, I can really go for a drink, and you're like, I put it working. Yeah.

I put working. That's why I tell people, you can go on a diet and count of your calories. Go to the gym. That'll make that fucking sandwich, isn't there? Because you know, leave it, leave it. Go ahead, dog. Yeah, dog.

Yeah, I might have to eat that 500 milligram with you to take it. in the next limit. You ain't high either. Oh, yes, I am. He's so hot. Yes, I am. That cookie didn't do dick to you.

Huh? That cookie didn't do dick to you. Well, the wax in the joint did, and then the cookie did. What about the fucking electronic puffer thing? Yeah, that's the... The wax, I think.

It's just fucked up. But I'm totally willing to believe that Joey is not stoned anymore. And you look like you might be a little stone still. This actually isn't really that... Like, this is half. halfway. I've had a lot worse.

That edible isn't bad. Let's eat that brownie. No, thank you. Let's make this a fucking celebration. It's like when they beat up that guy in Goodfell. It's a celebration. Well, it's crazy, people, because you came home. Like, Joe, we've talked about it a lot, how many people leave and never come back.

Oh, yeah, for sure. Like, that's crazy that you came. Like, most people don't. I mean, it was always my intention to come back. But, yeah, I can see, I can absolutely see why people would come here and fucking lose it and be like, you know what? Fuck this. Fuck these people.

Fuck this place. Fuck that place. Fuck this town. You know, I mean, I could definitely relate to that. Did any part of you think you were going to stay? Maybe 5, 10%. You know, once springtime rolled around and I was loving that city so much because I do love Chicago and the clubs are so nice and the people are so friendly.

You know, so many pretty girls. And everyone's so different. I was kind of like, I could see myself living here, man. This is a nice-ass fucking town. Well, great walk around town. great restaurants. Do you go to Wrigley? I've always wanted to go to Riggly.

Oh, yeah, of course. You've never been to Riggly? Have you ever been to Chicago? No, I'm from Boston, so I've been to Fenway, and I've been to Camden and then the Dodgers. So I want to go to Riggly. You're going to hate me, Chicagoans. I'm going to tell you what, the best meal I had.

Oh, you were just there? In Chicago. I went to this place that was cool. I love this place. It's easy. It's Italian, small Marios. It's downtown. I went into the first day and got the fried Diablo,

the shrimp. The fucking calamari and the muscles delicious. And when the next day and got the steak, Olive Asuvio, delicious with a side salad, delicious, delicious water, I didn't touch the bread. I'll tell what the best meal I had was. Omeal cooked and coconut milk. What?

Oh, my Godly. Didn't you have an Italian beef too? No, I didn't have an Italian beef. Really? This big. It was this big. When she brought it, and I looked at it on the menu, I got to taste that.

Where was it? Is that the same place? It was down the corner. It was where. It's Carlson Gracie's old neighbor, this jiu-jitsu master, and that's where he used to go to breakfast. Everybody says it's a really good breakfast. Uh-huh.

And that's all it was with just oatmeal cooked in coconut milk? Wait, coconut drizzles on top and slice banana, like a motherfucking soldier. I'm looking to buy some coconut milk this week and try it. I'm going to go online. I'm going to know how to make that. I mean, fucking delicious guys. If I told you, I went to Chicago, and the best thing I ate was oatmeal, you'd put me in the face. You would kick him in right in the fucking balls.

I remember one time Joey texted me The address of the studio today And I was so scared As I was like All right man I can't wait to do it I was texting back

But then I'm like man Should I text him I texted Joey about I don't know shit Six years ago Five years ago I was doing a show at the ice house And I was booking it

And I said I fucking text Joey I'm like hey man Sorry to bother you Just want to know If you want to fucking do my show Friday at the Ice House If you're in town I'd love to have you

I wish I'd like the law and order Sound effects Like dun dun dun Yeah You never take my phone rings. My phone rings. I hit Stend. My phone rings. It's Joey Diaz. I'm like, oh shit, cool. He's calling me back to tell me if you can and can't.

What a polite thing to do. I answer, hey, what's up, Joey? Listen to me, cock sucker. You text me. We're not two 14-year-old Asian girls here. You call me like a man, motherfucker. You ever text me again? I'm going to smash your thumbs with a hammer. I was fucking pissed. I hate that shit. Smash your thumbs with a hammer. I think I fucking shit my pants

What he did it And I really just didn't want to bother you With a phone call So I was like He can get back to me at his own accord Just let me know if you want to do it Phone rings right away I'm like hey

Listen to me fuck face I was like oh no So then we're I'm doing my I do a podcast with Ari and Tripoli called Punch Drunk So I'm doing punch drunk The next fucking day

I go Oh by the way I texted Joey Diaz About doing my show And they both go Oh shit dog You shit The fucking, I go, yeah, nobody told me this.

I didn't know he had this rule. You don't text me, fuck face. How's punch drunk doing? It's great, man. I got up on there and do it. You guys have been doing it for a while. Every Tuesday, noon to two? And it's just sports. I mean, it's probably 20% sports.

I mean, you've had people say they fuck around the Rousey on there, I heard. Yeah, we have a lot of callers. GSP, George St. Pierre, calls in, the Diaz brothers, dice Clay. You know, different people call in, and they have, you know, stories to tell. but, you know, really, when we started it, you know, because all three of us were doing podcasts and different things, and we'd always be in the store parking lot talking, you know, kind of, yeah, you see the game last night, it was fuck the Lakers, whatever. And, you know, we'd have an hour conversation that would start with sports, but then it's just like, you know,

what's up with you and this chick I saw last night? It just gets into regular shit. So we were like, there'd be a funny idea for a show of three comic friends, you know, all three of us been friends for 16 years of like, let's try to talk a little sports, but I'm sure it's going to get into fucking, you know, just regular life shit. So, you know, we probably 30% sports or something like that. You go on meetings in L.A.? Yep.

Not in L.A., not in Hollywood, but in L.A. I hear the Hollywood meetings are fucked up. Oh, there's some good ones. Good ones. Yeah, there's some good ones. But yeah, yeah, yeah, just all, you know, West Side. Can I ask you a question? How do they make money?

Because I went to Diaccosino's birthday on Magnolia? And there's an AA meeting. Right next door. It's a place. It's a place that does meetings all day. And you take donations. You pass a basket around. Those places do meetings all the time.

They do. Yeah, usually a place will let you sort of... I thought it was in the church. But some of them... Okay. Yeah, there's like 2,000 meetings a week in L.A. Jesus. So I Facebook somebody, maybe four years ago.

Yeah. This is a true story. Facebooked them. They were very close to me. And one day something came up missing. And right away, they pointed their finger at me. I was very hurt. about it.

20, 30 years passed. I always thought about them. I contacted the sister. She hit me back, but I contacted the one sister and the one brother and they didn't hit me back. When I went to Miami, the two girls showed up, but the cousin didn't show up.

I was very tight with the cousin. The other day, the fucking phone rings of Miami call. I'm busy doing a podcast. When I get home, I forget the call and I check Facebook. and it was him who I mean we grew up together very fucking painful that he his family accused me

it was fucking bad but what was it that got stolen if you don't I'm asking there was a watch or a fucking ring or rings I don't remember what the thing was I get home I get over there like you're not allowed here no more this what happened get your stuff you got to go this is a fair you know I hadn't known these people all my life they knew my parents it was very sad and trust me I was no angel at the time time. This was, this went on because

I was involved in other things. And sometimes karma smacking your reputation. For some of the reputations. I was really hurt. It made me go on a tear. And then my uncle, it made me go on a drug tear. I was living in a spaceship, at a park. You know those parks that have the kids' spaceship? I was living under the spaceship.

Get out of here. Yeah, it was bad, Tebow. I've had my bouts with addiction. Sure. And I love talking about it because talking about it helps other people. They don't feel that shitty about their lives. I was there. You know, I was there. You know, smoking. There was a time that I figured out, you know what, I'm spending

too much money on Blow. On the way home at night on, in between Sunset and Hollywood, Selma by the, where the fucking people dressed like superheroes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Orange and Selma, they used to sell crack there. Tons! I mean, you drive there at one, there'd be ten black dudes

out there running to your car. I didn't know. One night I was looking for Blow, when I pulled up, and the guy goes, you're looking, we made eye contact, you gave me a chunk. I went home, I tried to snort it. I went, I got dizzy, and shit. And I told my friend that's thing was that wasn't blown. That was crack, stupid. So I said, that wasn't a bad chunk for

20 bucks. I smoked what I had at the house. I got fucked up. So for six, seven, eight weeks, I smoked crack. That's a hard one that kid. My fingers were dirty. I go home and tell Terry, go to bed. She'd wake up and go, what is that smell? And I go, it's the weed. And she goes, I smell your weed for years. I never smell weed that bed. She knew.

I would smoke it out of a coke can. That's how crazy I was. So I smoked weed out of a cocaine. No, crack out of the cocaine. Oh, no, I'm just saying, the cocaine pipe. Well, I would tell her it was weed, but I put crack in there and I'd smoke it. I mean, I'd done some dirty. My nails used to be fucking filthy in those days from touching the crack. In a lot of ways, you're lucky to be alive.

Yes, but this is what it gets to. This is the worst because I always felt bad about this. I always felt bad. The first day I read about Whitney Houston's daughter, the first day I read about that, I knew exactly what happened. I knew exactly what happened. I knew it. It didn't take it.

take a genius, you know, and they, whatever, and they kept talking. And after the first month, I knew she was dead. It was just a matter of time. Sure. But it gave me time, a lot of time to think, you know? And I'm after my mother died for like two or three years. I could not jump off a building as bad as I wanted to, or I could not shoot myself as bad as I wanted to.

So subconsciously, the reason why I could smoke as much as I do, because at the age of 15 and 16, I did everything in enormous amounts. I wanted to die, but I didn't have the balls to do it. So I would eat those quailudes. You know, those fucking quailudes are strong. Especially back in your day, quailudes. You're a fucking strong dog. You drink a bottle of vodka with a quailu.

You're playing in a certain fucking neighbor. That's like eating a family. A lot of people. And I mean, you look at my eyes and there's veins that are popped. Those are from nights with quailudes. You could feel the heat in your head and shit. Listen, man. And at that time, I had a pain that was untowable.

It was the pain of losing your mother and wanting answers, you know. And not just losing a mother, but losing your world. Because she was, Whitney was a world. But also in that world came a lot of bad things that came in my world. You know, at the age of fucking seven,

I knew my mom did blow. It was very embarrassing. And I would go to play with kids, and they would go, what's that thing about cocaine? I would have to sit there and not say a word. What are you covering me?

What are you got? What are you got into your hand? What are you got into your hand? What is your hand to your hand? Nothing. Why is your hand that? they're all creepy like you're holding the fucking scorpion or something shit.

That is what it looked like. Really? It's sure like he's got a fucking mobo closer. The other way. There you go. So I saw my mom do drugs. I saw, you know, I'd have a pinata. At my birthday parties and the second pinata, she would put cocaine vindles in there for the adults.

Really? And she would tell me, get on the floor. If you see an aluminum foil, pick them up and bring them back to mommy. I mean, I knew my mom saw blow. had the bar. That was what those Cubans did at the time. Sure. So living with that, I never wanted to do blow. But then I,

a month before she died, maybe two weeks before she died, I did fucking blow. And I remember I had it for like two or three months and I was like, I'll never do this. I'll sell it. I think I sold some of it. But I kept one. One afternoon, I said, I'm taking this out with me. I knew exactly what the fuck I was doing. Because once you see

your hero do something, you're going to do it, okay? You know, you see your parents drink. Your parents say you to your aunt's house on Friday night. You come back Saturday morning, they're fucking hung over your dad's like, I'm not playing with you today. I'm on the couch, son, whatever. What did you guys do last night? Oh, we drank. You see empty

beer bottles. You know, then when you turn 13, you want to do it. You know, people don't know that if your heroes do something. Our parents are our fucking heroes. So if you see your parents drink, you're going to fucking drink. Oh, you're going to think it's okay to drink. Sure. You know, I never want to be a drinker, but my

parents do it. It might be okay. You know what I'm sure, totally. this poor girl lost her world. And yeah, she had the father, but Bobby Brown is your father. It's like having me as your fucking father. No, you're a good father. At that point for him, he was fucked up. He raised that girl fucked up.

That girl was raised on a fucking plane. With a nanny giving them money. When Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown did blow, who took care of that kid? A fucking nanny. It was doing blow, too. That was getting $2,000 a week and a couple lines for taking care of the fucking kid. and she might sing or something. Who do you think that?

I mean, these people snorted fucking fucking blow. A lot. These were fucking real party people. That big bucks, too. You know, they were in Miami. What do you think that kid was? So your kid knows what's going on. What do you think that kid was going to do?

What do you think my mother thought I was going to grow up to do? You think I was going to be a fucking doctor? I saw you do blow. I found blowing the fucking basement. I found bales of weed in the basement. What the fuck do you expect me to do? I found blowing pignatas. I found blowing fucking pignatas.

The point being that she was my world, my mom. I didn't have a dad, you know, she was my world. Same thing, they pulled the plug. I can't describe to you the pain I was walking around. And I didn't know it until this girl died yesterday. When she died, I broke down yesterday because I knew what she felt. It just brought it back. I remember what she was, I remember, you know, I used to get fucked up and go to the house where I found my mother.

And I'd sit on the stairs hoping, hoping that maybe this was a mistake. Yeah. Maybe my mom opened the door and go. Get the fuck in here. Where the fuck have you been for a month, you dumb fuck? Like, that's how delusional I got in the back of my mind. When you get that, when you bury somebody, you see him in a casket for five days. But when somebody that big in your life goes, it's like a dream.

Like, you're like, it's going, you know, eventually I'm going to wake up. My mom's going to make me steak on eggs like she always did. Yeah, the phone rings. You're like, oh, I bet that's my mom. Oh, shit, it can't be. It wasn't. Yeah. I just remembered this years ago when I started writing it.

I would go at first, like the first two weeks, three weeks after she died. After I moved in with the benders, the electricity was still on. I think the electricity stayed on to about January. And during the holidays, I would go over there in the afternoons after school and just sit there, hoping that she'd walked around. And I could hear the mic. The mice had taken over the house. I would sit on the chair and just, it was a silent house.

I wouldn't put the TV on. Just to hear her, maybe she was in the basement cooking, getting something. This is a misunderstanding. This is how delusional I got. So I know what that little girl was when she was doing those drugs, man. She didn't want to live without her mother. I didn't want to live with her. I didn't want to go

without my mother, man. So in hindsight now, I really understand addiction. That's why I wanted to have you on the show. You know, people would come to me and say, and I would ask about you. I always asked about Tebow on the eye. He's drinking. You know, whatever. Tebow's going to get it together.

If I got it together, these guys could get it together. They're more decent than I am. I wasn't no genius. It took me fucking to 44 to realize, so you're way ahead of the curve, man. And you, I can't, when I meet somebody and I'm like, I have a friend, Jody,

who's a great girl. And she's just 42, she's single. You know, you call her at 11, Tebow, she's hammered. Yeah. Hammered, you can hear it. And I can relate. But she's my friend. I'm not that a judge her. But in my mind, I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, when is this going to end?

When is she going to take this seriously because I didn't want to be Ray Charles. I didn't want to get clean and sober as 60 fucking one. Right. You know, off heroin or blow. I didn't want, like I told Joe Rogan, I didn't want people pulling Joe Rogan going, I told you. I told you he was a fucking junkie. I didn't want to die in Houston. I didn't want my wife to find me on the floor one morning.

She could never. I didn't want all these things. Well, you remember when Mitch Heidberg died? Absolutely. Absolutely. When he died, you know, and everybody that knew him or knew his wife or, you know, any part of his life or whatever, when he died, when anybody got that call, nobody was like, what happened? Everyone was just like, where? Where'd they find him? You know what I mean?

No one was like, oh, he got hit by a car, he got, you know, plane crash. How did he die? Everybody knew how he died. So no, you know, when somebody would call and they were like, hey, man, Mitch died. You'd be like, where? You know, I noticed that no one ever said how. everyone just said where I was so busy that guy

I didn't want to be a guy that died at 48 and when people heard they're like where'd they find him or you know drinking and driving or whatever the fuck you know what I mean it's like you know a lot of it's just like give yourself a fucking chance man give yourself a fucking chance and it's like earlier when you're saying when you're like you're stuck

you know if you're stuck all that really means it doesn't mean you're fucked it means you got to change something something has to change if you're stuck you know it's the only way you get unstuck you're sitting on your right a plan you had a great plan tibo i take my fucking hat off to you man

that's the way i would do it well i'd a lot of people help if i ever was to do a line again my life within three days later i know for a fact i mean it's like if i have two drinks i'm having 20 no there's no like i said at the beginning of this podcast I'm like there's no sense

in having two drinks to me never was never will be there's no sense where's our friend where's your ex-girlfriend that was clean and sober Where the fuck happened to her? I don't know. I'm not sure what she's up to.

Has anybody seen her? I saw her for a couple weeks. I'm talking about the big girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I never saw her again in a club. For years, I saw her out once a week. I don't think she does a lot of club stand-up gigs. I mean, she'll do bar gigs here and there.

I'll see them on Facebook or some shit, but she and I didn't end well. Let's just say that. Our ending didn't end well. I haven't seen her, and I think of it. about it. I thought that she had a lot going on. I know she got a couple good jobs or something the last couple months. I know she really works the

program, though. Yep. She really works the program, you know? So I know she would always... Teab's like I said, man, I wanted to have you on if you could tell your story. I'm glad. I'll do your podcast anytime, but you're the best. I know a lot of people who like you, T. Bill and a lot of people when I go on the road, people ask me about you.

So I know this is in your future. If you really give this a chance and really go, you know what? If I got to break down, I'll fucking smoke a number with Sam. And I'll keep this under control, and my friends will watch me. But, like I said, I don't ever want to feel like I did on that blow again. The last 10 years was such a wish. I just did it because my dick got hard.

When I drove down the street and made it left turn, you know, my dick got hard when the action. For years, I missed that fucking criminality. So this was my replacement. I miss jumping through windows. I miss fucking scoping out Tebow. As soon as Tebow fucking leaves, Lee call me. I'm going to go break into his window and take two pounds of coke from him. I missed action.

That cocaine gave me action. Now that I think about it, I fucking hated it. I would look at myself and I'd pick my face and cry and fucking be sick to my stomach, you know, that this thing had such a fucking grip on me. Yeah, and it's also, I think that's another thing of addiction. It's like when you're on it, you don't see things for what they are. You know, I'd be like, hey, man, everybody's a lot. than me and this is great.

And then it's like, you're like, you're annoying the fuck out of everybody. You know, I do podcast hammer. People like, you wouldn't shut the fuck up. Don't even know what the fuck you were talking about. Not letting other people talk. You're not even listening. It's like, but that's not how I saw it in my head.

You know what I mean? So then when you look back on hindsight, you're kind of like, well, fuck, man. I don't want to be that fucking guy. My brother, my heart goes out to you. I'm very proudy and I want you to know. I was always a dear friend. I just didn't know where you were coming from.

If you ever need anything, we're here for you, I know you the best. Let me give some shout-outs and I'll get you out of you. I'll give you a ride to the train. I'm abandoned shit. Lee, how are you feeling, Cogsucker? I'm good, but.

You want to smoke some more of these vapors? Not really. Do you? Always. This party never ends with mad flavor. How are you going to act? You know, how you fucking, you're doing good, though. You're looking good with your little purple shirt.

You got sponsors, you're bit-smacking motherfuckers. I went to Redondo Beach. Have you been there for the shrimp? Huh? Have you been to Redondo Beach? Yeah, I go down there on my bicycle. Once a week, hot-sucker, yeah, Redondo Beach. I got time to go to fucking Redondo Beach.

That's what I need. I got time to eat oatmeal in Chicago and not get an Italian beef. Because it was down the fucking block from the house. And they don't have an Italian beef. I went around the corner to the Italian beef. It looked like your fucking asshole. That's the color of it. Would you eat that Italian beef by two fucking Mexicans?

Would you do that? No. Mr. Beef was closed by. Yeah. I just didn't get to. Oh, I know that is. I'll eat Mr. Beef if I got to settle for anything. Mr. Beef are owls is kitchen.

Yeah, owls. So I'll. I wasn't close to them. I was on fucking downtown. And they made gyros at the same place. They made beef and they made French fries. It was a fucking regular fucking dump. So I didn't want pastrami.

Once you have that many combinations, there's two Spanish. Pizza, Chinese food is the same place? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There wasn't really nothing good in that ever except Mario's. And then I went to Rosemont. Tell them what's in Rosemont. Who got?

They only have a gas station. They got a fog of the fucking chow across from the comedy club. I wasn't doing 70 bucks. they eat two ounces of meat you know if I go to the child you gotta smoke 55 joints to make it worth your while no shit if not it's 70 bucks a piece yeah you gotta go in there hungry

hungry as fuck and then after you eat your money's worth but then you're fucked you know after you eat 20 pieces of garlic beef and you're like this is great now you gotta sit there for an hour and go I don't even know if I could drive home I don't know if my guts I'm gonna come out of my fucking ears because you know you're gonna drop a fucking

shipment of money let me give this read out first one to my man Diaz Dorchester for referring one day as a line. I hadn't heard that in a while, you bad motherfucker. Abraham Dapaya, whatever your fucking name is, Abraham Baya, Daya, you know I love you. Smiler, Smiler, Mike Jones Jr., Kevin Knight, Talking Laer. Cleo, get a whole delete. I got two weeks off.

Let's pick a day and do this fucking podcast. James Trolls and my main man showed up to the show, brought me a book. He gave me some cigars. I got to give you a little stuffed animal. I love cigars. Bob Lillings and his beautiful father, and they include their shirts. I love Bob Lillings.

It was funny, Friday night, you start meeting these people on the road, and you communicate with them on Facebook or Gmail, and they send you little gifts, and you can tell where they're coming from. You love them, they're genuine. It's funny that Friday night, I was like, I didn't fucking see Bob.

That's fucking weird. I didn't talk to him on Facebook. I didn't talk to him. Maybe he doesn't know. And Saturday, none on stage. I looked down and there's Bob and his dad right in front of me. I felt like shit and I was fucking... I didn't have anxiety that night.

I just went straight up there. What's up with you, Cuck, liquor? And then Sean Tierney sent us those Bruce Lee shirts. I saw that. The Bruce Lee shirts. Thank you, brother, some fucking green tea to clean out the system, the adrenals. You're going to a kettlebell class with me tomorrow? Hell yeah.

We're going to go have a good time over at V-Mack. It's going to be fun. Six people already signed up for tomorrow. But he's got like an eight-pound weight to train you with, just to teach your form. Okay. And what you could do is you go to, couple weeks just go to the kettlebell class and then just stay for Hassan and you're done for the week and you'll walk around sore for two days.

That's a fucking long work. But it's something different, brother. That's true. You're a 27-year-old man. How long is a glass? Four hours. But you do a lot of stretching. You do a lot of sit-up.

The Jiu-Jitsu is two hours. Jiu-Jitsu is two hours and you do a lot of shit there. So just get used to the kettlebells and then go to Jit-Soo on Thursday this week and you start going there twice a week, once for J-Jitsu, once for kettlebell. And then one day when you're ready to go, you're slim Jim McGillbell. go, you go, fuck, and I'll do the kettlebells. I can't do both. I'm out. I won't walk on Wednesday and Thursday. I didn't walk on Wednesday and Thursday after the kettlebells.

I didn't work out until Friday. It's really cool watching the UFC now that I started you did too. And it was cool for me. Like, I didn't understand it. Like, I still, in class when I'm drilling, the mistake I'm making is I'm going too fast. Yeah, John Bud said you moved well on the floor.

He goes, for a little stocky, little spinning motherfucking chew. But it's not good because. But then I was watching the UFC and they're there for like a minute, like 30 seconds, just getting, like you don't have to do it right away. Right, no, no, no. You can work it and work it and work it.

But what you're doing is you're putting pressure on your opponent so that leg is on his leg. Like that's what I'm messing up on. Your leg is on his thigh and he can't move his thigh. He's locked. You got 200 pounds on his thigh. So now he's just grilling out that leg and you're playing like a hand thing and everything you go for, he's got to react. So one time he's going to make a mistake

and that's when you push and then you take it from there. What are we doing? The fucking jihitsu lesson. here. Sure. We did you just on the That's right. I love your Cotswaggy. I love you too, buddy. You're the best. I know Sam is revamping the show and you guys are doing it at a hotel and Hollywood. At the W, yeah. At the W.

So that's going to happen pretty soon. That's going to be rocking. Yeah, that's going to be awesome. Are you doing it? He called me and he doesn't give me a date. He goes, I like for you to do it. Okay. I've always, you know, I look at you guys. I think it's August 19th. I'm not sure it could be somewhere in there. Fucking young kids. And I was an old guy. And now we're all getting older, but the most important thing is we're still here.

And people have bounced back. Listen, man, what's that dude that plays fucking Robert Downey Jr.? That guy got caught in a room in Venice, right? Oh, yeah. The fucking Batman suit jerking off on Coke. That's how, at the end of his addiction, he was buying. That's what I was doing. He got pulled over in his Porsche totally naked with a loaded handgun

and like a half a fucking pound of Coke in the front seat of a convertible pole. horse. They pull him over. They look in the fucking front seat. It's like a fucking brick of coke, a loaded handgun, and he's completely naked. You're crazy. And now he's fucking... You have no idea, man. I am. Sober, super rich.

And he's fucking iron, man. And you get your life together and you move on and you realize that life has so much to fucking offer, man. It really does. Like, I couldn't imagine going back now. Yeah. I couldn't imagine going back now. I love my reefer. I don't want to get no problem

at all. I couldn't even imagine having it on me and my presence just all and it wasn't bad it was what I brought on myself I'm not blaming fucking anybody I can blame this and this guy and that guy well just when he says like if you

we're gonna have a join that like is that everybody has a vice Lee right everybody's got to do something everybody goes home at the end of the night and dresses up like a woman or sticks a cube tip in his nutsack or does something everybody has to get off somewhere

these fucking people who are politicians and I don't drink and I'm a Christian then you find out that fucking a black hooker you know and that's the truth that's everybody has something it's calming that something what's the easy when it came to me I said you know what's it I gotta do something

I'm not just gonna sit there and go to meetings and hug somebody that won't work for me I got to kill my evil switch which was the blow what makes me miss jobs what makes me yell at people if they don't pay me what makes me fucking do the shit I do cocaine refa has never made me

break through a fucking window They'll want to stay up all night. It's never done that to me. Alcohol used to be my gateway. Sure. Because in those days, even though, like it's so weird the tricks you play on yourself, I would say I'm not going to go on and do blow tonight. I'll just go have four drinks.

Let me go, I have two drinks. In those days, I used to drink Southern Comfort and Orange juice. I was 1920, Southern Comfort and Orange used. You get three of those. Now you need blow. Three of those, you need blow. And here I am in the same. And I knew what trap I was walking into.

I'm not a retard. I knew by walking into it. You just get good at lying to yourself. You just lie to yourself. This is a weird thing, addiction, man. I got really good at lying to myself. Like, I would really believe the shit that would come out of my mouth. Even including, like, I'm cool, man, I got this.

I'm not going to drink today. A little bullshit like that. And it's like, fucking 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I'm shit-faced. It's like 3 o'clock. You know, I'll be drinking and fucking, you know, these dive bars at all these old dudes of big noses. And I'm, you know, 35. These guys are half twice my age.

just fucking tying it on. I'm happy you got everything together and I have continued success. Thank you, buddy. Help from me, please don't hesitate. You know, I've been down that block and I know what it is to... It took me like...

I remember even six months being clean on blow. Every day I walked on eggshell. Sure. I mean, I knew that. That's a daily grind. And I wasn't waiting for... My cat got hit by... No, no.

I just knew that one minute I was going to snap, but I never snapped. Yeah. Every time I thought about it. I'd say a prayer and go, you know what? I got to think of this. I don't want to die. I knew I would die.

Some people use that term a lot in AA. I got to be honest with you, I knew I was going to die. I was getting at night towards the end of the night when I was coming down off the blow. I would get electric shocks on my spine. My spine was starting to hurt. That's not good. That's not fucking good. Lee, you got anything to tell me?

Nothing to tell you about. I was wondering, like, how you dealt with in those six. months like going somewhere where you used to do coke or other people don't go to them i didn't go to them i didn't go to the comedy store i got all those things but i was i was still friends with the drug dealers i kept in touch with them hello i kept them and that gave me more a lot of people just take the numbers out of i in fact i talked to my drug dealer tonight he's in that new movie with compton straight out of oh really yeah so he asked me if i wanted to i called him up to congratulate him because my wife wants to see it and uh he said if i wanted to go to the cast and crew with him on the

the 14th, but I'm in Washington, D.C. So that's, I did, Doug, I made a promise. I made a promise. I made an old-time promise, something that we break on a daily basis. That is the worst thing. First time we broke a promise or told a lie, we went into this dark fucking avenue in your life. I stopped lying when I was about 21.

Yeah, you exaggerate from time to time. But to just tell somebody a blatant lie about something. I was there, I shot him. That I had to stop doing. And I was doing it to get me somewhere. T-bo, I got a check. Tebow, listen, Lee's going to give me $10,000. Just give me an allowance of blow to Friday.

That's a bold-out lie. Sure. I was doing those type of lies. You know, that's the first one. You have to stop. You know, and then it's just tough. It's just very tough. And eventually you get the steps.

And for some people it takes 40 years, for some people it takes 50 years. Some people take 50 years. Some people never get it. Some people never get it. And the whole thing is just being honest with yourself, what you can and can't do. That night I walked into the strip club when I was in the halfway house.

I was a month away from getting married. I got no shame to tell people on this part. I was a month away from getting married. Here I am in a fucking strip club. I'm in a strip club. Just going to coke out of some chicks assholes. Oh, my God. I gave it a whole bag of blow.

I fingered her asshole. I sniffed it. I got this girl. You know, I did everything to this girl. I never forget that. Going over 36 in Boulder, there's a part where you connect from I-25 to 36 of the I-70. I don't remember.

And you're coming over here in Bloomfield to hit Bowden. I saw those lights. I still remember putting my brace on because I was jerking off in the fucking car all over my car salesman suit. I had already came like four times at the strip club. I mean, I didn't fuck her, but I did everything else to it. I had come all over me, and here I am jerking.

That's how hot she was. I was smelling my hands jerking off in the car. How embarrassing is that as a fucking 30-year-old or whatever the fuck I was. I was going to get married. The girl I was married and had a kid. And here I am blowing 1,500 bucks on a half ounce of blow giving this poor girl. Whatever the fuck I gave her, you know? It was just pathetic.

I think of this shit now. It's fucking pathetic. Fucking pathetically. I was so weak, but that's what it did. I'll never forget getting it. out of prison, Tebow. A prison. That's the ultimate slap in the face

as a man. You have no idea, Tebow, rehab. Mitzie not passing you, your car getting a flat. You have no idea how humiliating it is as a man to be in prison for a man to kick your bed and tell you to get up, Tebow. Come on. Talk to you when you can eat. And tell you

can eat and adjust your life. And here I got guys, I couldn't wait to get a package. And my father-in-law had a trail. So in those days, the halfway houses gave you furloughs. So I think I waited, I think, six days. I got on a Tuesday. And that Saturday I got a furlough.

And he had a trailer on the property. And I said, I'll just sleep on the trailer. I'm like, I went in that trailer with like a fucking half ounce of blow. And it was the first time in a year or something. Debo. You're lucky you didn't overdose. Oh, my God. You're fucking knocking that back.

I'll never forget that night that by four in the morning. I had done like half of it And the rest of it I dumped in the toilet And I was looking out the windows And all I could see were guys DREased them white With those fucking suits

Like the EA guys On ropes coming down the trees That's how strong my paranoia was And me trying to sweep Whatever was on the floor For coke and lick it up I was licking dust And dog hair and dirt

And fucking Anyway good luck Thank you buddy I love you to death Thank you very much for coming up You're really a brother to all of us. No, man. I've been down there and when it comes to that shit,

all I could say is, listen, I don't care how you get clean. I don't care how long it takes. But it's such a beautiful life. And I talk some shit. I talk about eating assholes and stabbing people. I'm telling you this as a brother that there's such a beautiful life waiting for you. And after a year or two, you know what? You might go back to some of your bad habits and that's fine,

but you have to control them. You can't drink. Like, I know I cannot put cocaine. I can't cocaine in my nose. I know I can't put cocaine in my nose. I got a quailout I've been holding on for a year. I'm going to drop one of these nights. That's okay.

That's not the horse that killed me. Sure. Let me read some sponsors. Let's get the fuck out of here. There you go, buddy. As usual, you're fucked up. You need help with your addiction. Alfa brain will focus you, cocksucker.

This will bring you right back. This will overturn that shit. You understand because you start thinking about what's important and what's not important. That's part of fucking addiction, beating addiction. You realize what's important and what's not important. what's not important. What's I got to do with it? I got no fucking idea. Here's what I do now. All right. I went for fucking swimming today with the baby. I did laps and I also went to fucking jihitsu at 10 in the morning with John Evan and I just told him get on top of me.

Don't let me fucking up. That was the whole class today. Don't let me up. And I'll tell you what I did on the shroom tech and I breathe and I must have rolled around for 40 minutes. I'm going to be sore as fuck tomorrow. Don't get me wrong. But the shroom tech got me there. All right? Whether it's the alpha brain, whether it's the fucking hemp protein and assay. or chocolate, which tastes fucking delicious, whether it's the Shroom Tech, I'll tell you what, Onit is on top of their motherfucking game. Go to Onnet.com right now,

see the great selection of nutrients and supplements they have. If you like something, go to the box and press in. Church. And you get 10% off like a gentleman. And if they have another program called Stay On It, where they just take your credit card and they mail it directly to your house at the first of the month,

and they give an additional 10% off. So you're getting 20% off right there. You've got to ask yourself, who's better than you? Go on it right now and press in and enjoy the great products they have to offer you. You're sitting there going, Joey, I can't stop smoking. I got the answer, cock sucker.

Here these things right there. Bam! Tremendous. They last longer. They taste better. They got cigars. They got e-cigarettes. From 24 to 16 to 8 to no fucking nicotine in there.

You can work yourself backwards and you get a cigar. You get all four those in the cigar. Five for 50. That's right. Five for 50. Go to the bar. boxing press in. Joey's Church. Boom. And get five fucking cigars

for 50 bucks. That's how we run it over there. Here these sigs. Taste better. Last longer. And a big fucking shout out to my brothers up there in Northern California. Nailed it life. Dumb bad motherfuckers up there. Making wax, gorilla biscuits, white chocolate

that tastes like Mexican fucking... What's that drink? Orchata. 250 milligrams. But it don't end there. I think of one of the best vapor pens in the fucking market. You understand? stammy. You could smoke vegetables out of there. You could smoke wax. When it comes to wax and dabbing, nobody

knows more about that shit to NailedaLife.com. Go to NailderLife.com. What do they got to press in? Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz, D-I-A-Z, cock suckers, and get 20% off your first order with the vapor pen. The best vapor pen in the market, they guarantee it. They stand behind it. You call Dave. He calls

you back in two fucking minutes, and you got your action back, okay? A big shout out to Nailed a Life. A big shout out to hit these things. And a big shout out to honor.com. Go on three of these webpages right now and support us. Help us out, Coxuck. And don't forget my people over that Iron Dragon, Dave Foley, looking out of a fucking window. I love you,

cocksucker. Don't forget, I'm in DC Improv, August 13th or something like that to the 15th. I'm taping my CD. Brand new stuff. We'll keep writing every day. You know how we do it? Come on down. Baltimore, D.C. Wherever the fuck you're from. That's where you're going. You understand me? And that's it. I want to thank Jason Tebow for coming on and dropping some addiction knowledge and for opening up his life to you. I want to thank Lisa F for sitting there like a dunce.

All he needs is a fucking hat over there. You're smoking more vapor cocksucker. He looked good. Everything on the house, Paul. She's good. She's good. She's finishing up her work for the summer. What are you guys doing this weekend?

Where are you going to Vegas for the weekend? Vegas. With her? With her college friends. Oh, Jesus. So I have token later on the security division. Girls or boys? All girls.

So thank God it didn't go. I got invited, but... We're gonna go, like, a half a fag and walk around like Peter Pan drop in the 20s. Carrying a purse for her and shit. Yeah, you ain't that type of motherfucker. You're the real deal, Jack. You're slinging Jew dick

and giving out fucking Hanukkah cards. And then I'm gonna be in tomorrow the same weekend you're in D.C. Doing a podcast. Look at you. All right. They gotta go up there and see you. All right.

Any dates coming up? When does this come out? Tomorrow? Yeah. Okay. I'll be at the Ice House this Friday. Actually doing a... That's right.

Yeah, Desquatch show this Friday. Call of the show this Friday. See I'll be down there. It'll be a great night for Dead Squad. Of course. I'll be on minding my own fucking business. I love you guys. See you Wednesday night at the ice house.

It's sold out. No way. Sold out already. And we'll see you back Thursday afternoon at 3 o'clock, my brothers. Have a great fucking night. Thank you for listening. Have a great day tomorrow. Thank you for listening.

I love you, Cox, suck us. Thanks, guys. Stay black. Suck it. The show is brought to you by Onet.com. Go to Onond.com and use Code Word Church to get 10% off all of their optimization products like Alphabrain. New mood.

Just it right here. You need a key. Go to Anand.com and use co-word church to get 10% off. All of the great optimization products like Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune, Shrmtex Sport, anything like that. Use Coldward Church to get 10% off. Go to NaileditLife.com and use code Joe Diaz to get 20% off the premier vapor pen on the market. And they're also the makers of Los Gumi Cermanos.

And if you go to hitesigs.com, you get five hit e-sigs or hit e-sigars for $50 when you use Cobra Joey's Church. Told you. Now you do what they told you. Now you do what they told you. Told you. And now you do what they told you. Told you. Do what they told you.

And now you do what they told you. Told you. Says, you do what they told you. Now you do what they told you. Thank you.