The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #304 - Graham Elwood

Episode Date: July 30, 2015

Graham Elwood, Comedian and host of the "Comedy Film Nerds" podcast , joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   
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   Music:
 Delivering the Goods -  Judas PriestTea For One - Led Zeppelin

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like alpha brain, new mood, ShumTech Immune, Shum Tech Sport, Strongbone. It's Code Word Church to get 10% off. Oh shit. Kick that motherfucker league. The church of what's happened now, Toxuckers. July 30th,

2015, the day the devil was buried at sea. Hit it! What's up? What's up with me? I'm feeling sores. I got beat up today. Good, good.

That's what you need. You need to get beat up. Oh, my God. Anybody can beat somebody up. They killed me. It was no ghee for the first time, and we were doing turtle stuff, and this dude is bigger than me,

and he just started. Manhand. Oh, my God. Which is tremendous. But I was able to survive four minutes on the bottom. And then I think when I was on the top, I got out of something. I don't know. But it was fun.

And then last night was a blast. That was great. Everyone came out to the ice house. Yeah, that was good. Thank you for it came out to the ice last last night for the monthly live podcast. We got fucked up. I went home. I don't know what happened.

But my main man is here for the old schooler Graham Elwood and shit. What's up, dude? We've been running since the fucking. late 90s. Late 90s, back in the Jeff Gittlin era. Back when Luna Park was big. With the big ears and shit,

God rest of soul. I get passed away. I always felt bad about that. You know, I remember when he passed away and I was at his funeral, like Sam Trippley, all these comics were there.

And all we did was talk about those awesome shows at Luna Park. Man, it was just like, it was a wild time. Like, that era, you know, I mean, I know it's like, oh, it wasn't that long. I was 15, 20 years ago.

but it was like Luna Park was such a unique, that bottom, that's underground room. So you had that, you had like the belly room. You know what I mean? You had like the Largo, the old one on Fairfitt. All these like weird alternative. So Largo's not on Fairfax anymore? Largo moved to Las Sienega. The Largo with the Coronet is like that big.

Okay, okay. All right. Largo used to be by the pizza place. We used to all go out there. Yeah, yeah. Across the street from canters. It was a... Oh my God.

They even closed that. Yeah, yeah. I drove by. a couple weeks ago. It's fucking gone. I know, man. So when we first moved here, we would go to, what's the name of that fucking street? It's not Las Siena.

Fairfax. Fairfax. And we would park down there and go to Luna Park. Not Luna Park, but. Go to Largo? Largo. And then we'd go over to the Kibbitt's room after. The Kibbitt's room, across the street by the fucking, oh my God.

Is that a Jewish room? Yeah. Yeah, it's part of Kahners. That's hysteria. And then you get fucked up and we go to next to Kahnis. and get a pastrami sandwich and get a pound of cookies and those little Jew cookies

and fucking two in the morning you're outside on Fairfax The black and white cookies Oh my God You're out on Cantas at two in the morning With cotton mouth Eating fucking black and white cookies

While his sitting Jews walk Oh my God Fucking tremendous It was the Luna Park man That was on What was that fucking street It was on Luna Park was on It was a Robert

It was Robertson Santa Monica Like you had to go Middle of the block And it was crazy Because if I told you Let's go to Luna Park park and you got out of your car you thought i was gonna kill you you like there's nothing here but as you

walk closer you saw other people yeah going into this fucking scape thing you're like what the fuck and then you walked in and you went downstairs you was he was fucking yeah there's but i remember the shows there man like i remember sam brown would go on those crazy tirades on that show i just remember those shows just like anything went like and and he was just like he would go crazy he would say that we met doing shows down there and then we had the same manager or maybe that's how we met. It was like one of... No, it was down there

because we all did a show together was you, myself, the Jewish chick with the hot body that had a little body odor for a while. Hot Jewish chick, but she always had body odor. She just came from the gym,

like the armpit, but like she put her clothes on dirty. Like she wore it, sweat, and then put it back on. But it was a bunch of us. But here's the thing about Luna Park. A lot of people will break it down for you. You know,

one of the reasons to come L.A. as to advancing your career. Sure. So you come to L.A., you mingle, and then you get invited to a thing called Montreal, if you're a good comedian, I've never been invited. And then you get a deal. Neither of I. And they build shows around you and blah, blah, blah.

And that was the spot to go to, like, Montreal to get deals. There was a while where if you went to Luna Park, you could get a deal. Luna Park, it was the weirdest mix of, like, hot crowds and industry. Industry. Because a lot of times, like, I remember you do those industry showcases at, like, the improv, and it was like, those were tough. Off shows. Those industry showcased the improv, all these suits, and you'd be like, fucking hell.

But Luna Park, there was something about that room, man. It just popped. It fired. How does a room like that get built? Because you've told me about the room where Dan Cook got big in Hollywood. I forget about the name of that one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was on sunset.

Sunset. But Luna Park was first. Oh, okay. So Luna, that's great that you brought that up because I was thinking about that when you said it. You said you had a mix of cool people and industry. It was Luna Park first. Luna Park was the hit spot because upstairs they had a bar. And that's where all the hipsters went.

It's in the middle of Boys Town. So you have the gay crowd. So it was packed. So a lot of industry people was going down. And I remember somebody got a deal like a girl, got a deal. And that's when it really, the word got out. So what Luna Park would do, Sam Brown would do. You had to pay Sam.

Sam had a great scam. You had to pay Sam to go up. like it was like 300 to rent a room Yeah, yeah And then every So let's say five comics It's 60 bucks apiece You made flyers

You didn't go on the internet then You had to pass out flyers And email people And send out mail Postcards Postcards And you get people to come to your show You know

That was the thing Is getting industry mailing lists Was a thing So like you'd send to like An agency You'd send a hundred cards To every agent So I would go to fucking

The Place on Sunset next to coaching horses, the industry place. You had to go in there, and you had to get a mailing list for $9.95, which was bullshit. So I would just rob it half the time. I would buy the agency book, and I would call the agents. I would sit in the comedy store upstairs, and I would call agents off and say, how are you doing? I would make up a name.

This is Pete Patel. I'm calling for whatever agency. Lee Syatt's going up at 8.30 tonight. We're inviting you to the show. It was fucking crazy. How different you worked at. Oh, everything, because everything is now all digital. Yeah, back then, you had to, man, you had to fucking work.

You had to hustle. I mean, you had, I remember, I don't know how many fucking flyers I made for shows or, and then, you know, I was like, whatever, I was handing them out at shows. I took acting class. I handed on them, friends of my acting class. Like, I was, you work, like, now it's all digital. Now you do a version of that shit, but it's all like, well, I got to post this show on Twitter and I got to fucking put a photo on Instagram and I got to put a link on Facebook, you know what I mean? But back then you had to physically make this shit.

Physically make it, you're right. You had to go to that place behind the Chinese place on LaBray. Yeah. What's that Chinese place on LaBray? Jesus Christ, I told Lee about it. That was the hot one spot for a while. Schubert, myself, Josh Booth. We'd all go to that place.

We'd all do shows together then. Yeah, we all did shows together. I met all those, I met all you guys. I met Schubert. I met Joshua, but all those guys at Luna Park. And then we'd, of course, see each other around at wherever the other gigs. But I remember that, man. I remember just getting, they had cute waitresses at Luna Park, and I remember it was like my hangout spot.

I'd go and get fucking drunk after shows. I go down Tuesdays and get fucking, because Tuesday nights was a sold night, whatever it was, big, whatever they called the Black Night at the Comedy Store. So in those days, it was funny because I made an analogy this week, I told my wife, because my wife was a waitress at the store, I go, I went to the store Tuesday night. You were with me? Yeah.

Tuesday night? Yep. It's amazingly how, in the old days, Black Knight, would take over the whole store. Like comics would not call in for spots, not because they were racist, but because they knew that it was going to be a thousand black people down.

And there weren't going to be no parking in Fat Tuesday. That's right. There was going to be no parking in Fat Tuesday. You had to park somewhere else, and Fat Tuesday room would be empty because when white people would pull up, they'd see a thousand black people standing in front and they wouldn't go in those days.

So Fat Tuesday took over the comedy store. There were really no belly room shows. Right. Like if you called Scott in those days and say, I want to book a room. He'd go 100 for a Thursday. But if you do Tuesday, we'll get a TV for free. Yeah, because you've got to go up against fucking Fat Tuesday.

A thousand black gangsters standing in front of the place, scaring people. So it was kind of weird. Now, the trend is they still have a Fat Tuesday, and it still does good numbers, but it doesn't overpower the store anymore. Right, right. So in those days, everybody looked for alternatives to the store on Tuesday night. So you went to the improv, Luna Park, the union, which was Ahmed Ahmed's room, That's right.

Next to where Dan Cook became a star. It was the union first. And it was Ahmed Ahmed's room and Vince Vaugh's girlfriend at the time. Vince Vaughan had a chick that was half black, half white, a real cute girl. And since Ahmed Ahmed lived with Vince Vaughn and John Favreau, the girlfriend lived with them. They were into comedy, so she knew the owner at the union. So we opened up the union first. And then Josh Wolf and what's his name?

would book it. I met, I met. Oh, yeah. But I still remember our manager, Jeff Gettlin, coming in one day with the black kid with dreads that went on to go on the USA,

the see Michael Anthony Hall show, that the kid was black with dreads. I still remember the kid. I still remember when he made that kid. I still remember when Jeff Gettlin picked that kid, and he was just a skinny black kid, but Jeff saw something of him, and made him get a job.

He made him lift at Bulldog. Jim on La Brea, that turned into 10 planet years later, Bulldog Jim, and he made him take acting lessons, and the kid put dreads in his hair. And I never forget, Jeff brought him to the union to put him on tape for six minutes. And we were going, Jeff, why don't you give him 10 minutes or 15? He's like, I just want the kid to get a deal. And he got the kid a deal for like 200,000, and he went on, he put him on that USA show, and God knows where the kid is today.

The kid never did stand up again, though. I know. He was just cut, he was cookie cutter. Yeah. For that time, that's what they do. Like, if you were good looking, they'd give you seven minutes of material. Tell the audience you were a stand-up to make you more talented, variety-wise. Once they put you on the show, you never stand-up.

No, no, those guys did. We'd always be at the shows and be like, oh, there's some actor whose manager told them to be a stand-up. We saw that all the time. We saw that all the time. And we all knew, like, oh, we all just kind of be in the back of the room, go, oh, he's not a real comic. Is there a... I don't even know how. what you would call it.

Is there like a market for people who were stand-ups but didn't like performing but now just write for people like that, like actors or people who don't want to write their own jokes? I don't know how to answer that, but people evolve. So I come out here, I'm a good-looking 23-year-old, 24-year-old. You know, I could act a little bit. Also, my agent says you could do stand-up. They give me a six-minute spot.

I get on there. They put me on the show. I never do stand-up again. There's not much you could fucking write because you didn't really... Oh, no, but I'm saying like, do older comics who are good writers or even just good writers write for people like that.

Absolutely. If a comics... Right now, if somebody comes to me and says, Joey, your career is done. Let's face it. You're never going to be on TV. Help this kid out. We'll give you dirty large. What the fuck's the difference? I might as well go in there and help the kid and write from him. A lot of people doing that now.

Wow. I mean, one of the best comics I ever worked with coming up was a guy named by the name of Rick Currance. Rick Currence today writes for Larry the cable guy, and he writes for the other guy, the other guy. Ron White? Ron White. And he's making big money.

Yeah. Because he told me what he wants. I mean, he just threw it out to me because I said, man, I'm thinking of doing this special. I was thinking of calling you. And he just threw a number out and they fucking jizzled me. I'm like, I might as well get that Jean Perrette book going again, that stand-up comedy work for with the numbers he just fucking threw at me.

But they know. They know if you get a successful special, you're going to go on to make tons of fucking dough. Wow. They'll help you right. Listen, man, I've always admired guys that accept help. Yeah. Because you can't do this life alone. There's people that are funny than you, and there's people that might have the answer to a riddle that you have.

And it goes back to the old adage. I got a can of mayonnaise. I can't open it. You know, I'm over there. I lift weights every day. I do jumping jacks. I can't open. Then grandma comes over and cacks the fucking thing.

open. That's life a lot of times. And if you watch Chris Rock's two really good specials, they're really good in the middle ones. In those days, he would get in advance, and he'd hire Nick DePaolo, Lewis C.K. And the guy who died, God have is Richard Jenny. And they'd go

out with him. You'd see him. You'd see them go out with him at night, and he'd say a joke and they'd each add. So if you have an hour, Chris Rock could definitely come up with 15 funny minutes. Nick DeBalo could definitely come up with 15. Lewis C.K. with 15. And Jenny was 15, what kind of special you're going to have?

It's a fucking monster. And then you just add your color to the whole special. That's how to do it. Yeah, and those good writers, man, you know, a buddy of mine, Gary Brightwell, he goes on the road Bill Engval. And he's written for Engval and stuff like that. And I was getting ready for a TV thing. And he and I were working in Vegas together.

And I just said, man, I haven't done a TV set in a while. I've got to get this down to four and a half minutes. He goes, I'll help you. And he was just, he was just as a buddy watching my son. set and then going, why don't you this, tweak that? And I was like, man, I go, Gary, you have a skill. Do you know what I mean?

I'm going to go on. It's a skill. I can go on stage and riff. I'm good at coming up with jokes. But to fine tune, especially getting it ready for TV, because TV's a whole different animal. You know what I mean? You can't riff.

You can't do any of those things that, like, I do that I know you do. So you got to, and it's four, it's got to, that set's got to be four and a half minutes. Not 4.40. It's got to be four minutes and 30 goddamn seconds. And definitely not 420. Like, not like, less than time. No way. You can get it with 420.

They'll go, you know, it was 427, but that'll work. They'll say shit like, and they're not joking. So you got to get that thing, time it in every word. I remember listening to Seinfeld talk years ago before his big series. When I first got into stand-up as a teenager in the 80s, Jerry said he treated, when he was getting ready for the tonight show, it was back when Carson hosted it. He treated every word like it cost him $1,000. So there wasn't any like, hey, you know, I'm driving and I'm driving.

No repeats. No, um, no, none of that shit. Every word was like advancing the setup and getting to the joke. And so guys that could help with that were really, you know, that's that, that can do that. And then that's why it's invaluable if you get to the Ron White level or the Chris Rock level where you got to do big theaters. Because these guys, you know, Ron White, I was just headlining in Vegas. Ron White popped into a guest spot because he was doing the Mirage the next two nights and needed to work on new stuff. And when he's going to the Mirage at $100 a ticket to people who, that's the other thing when you get that,

famous. They all know your act. They've bought every goddamn album you released. That's why Louis C.K. is like, releases a new hour every year. He has to. I'm going out in the club, slugging it out with a bachelorette party. I got to dip into the bag of trips and dust off that dick joke from fucking 10 years

ago because, but if I have a because every time I headline 20 to 30% of the audience maybe knows who I am. So that leaves at least two-thirds of the crowd has never heard of me, before. Maybe they all, I kind of know your face from TV, but they don't know my act.

So that's good and bad. Right. Because I can go into old stuff. I can play around with them. But these guys, you know, you have to. If everybody, I did a show with Dimitri Martin. Holy shit, that guy.

He's all one-liners. And he goes, my fans, if I repeat a joke at a live show, they fucking butcher me on Twitter. He's got this huge catalog everything's itemized because he goes, Graham, these jokes are seven to ten seconds long. He doesn't have a five

minute chunk like you and I have about some real life story. He's all one-liners and that's what fans love him and he sells out, you know, thousand seat theaters, but he has to turn over material and if you get to that spot, you better fucking have. You gotta turn it. You gotta hire somebody.

Well, I mean, you know, like you say, you need help. If you got to turn over a new hour every 12 fucking months, I mean, shit. Well, our buddy, a young comedian, Augustino, just wrote on the past two seasons of Louis. But like the beginning parts of stand-up at the beginning is what he said. That's what they took jokes for.

So, I mean, that's, it's pretty, it must be pretty cool. I mean, I can see where some people get negative about other people writing people's material. Well, it's just weird. It's ego thing. Right. You come on stage and somebody go, hey, you should put that over here. And you're like, who the fuck are you? Right.

Like, who the fuck are you? And then you go home and think about it. And as much as you don't want it, the person's right. You know, Phil Jackson wasn't a great basketball player at all. I grew up on Phil Jackson. Whenever they put Phil Jackson, we just turned the TV off. Like, if the Knicks were down four points and Phil Jackson got put in, and you just fucking went nuts.

You're like, oh, no. But because he was so bad as a player, he got to see it from a different angle. And he got to see it to win championships from him. I don't know if it was because he was a bad player or because he just elevated himself. And I see the same thing now. I got to tape a special in September and a CD in August. And I don't want the CD and the special would be the same. Yeah.

I don't want them. Yeah, you can have 30%, 40% of the material, but not the same. So I'm trying to get, you know, and it's fucking hard. And I had to go out this week and try. So the next three weeks what I'm trying to do is put together two different bits, put it on the CD, move on. And then for the special, once I'm all over. I got another month to come up with 20 minutes,

which I could do if I go out every night and work it and sit down for two hours a day. You got to record yourself. You got to do it. I hate recording myself. It sucks. I'll bring Lee with me and he'll go, you said this joke.

It's tough. I mean, that's when I was getting ready for this TV thing the beginning of the year when I was doing that week with Brightwell in Vegas, I was record. I was like, God, I can't listen. But I had you listen. I had to go to my computer. It was like a fucking spreadsheet.

Like I had to write out because this network wanted transcripts. they got to approve every word now they all do they have to approve every fucking word and you can't have a joke in there about Pepsi or Taco Bell or any of that they don't it's not even about swearing anymore now it's about corporate shit so if you got a corporate they're like you can't make oh I was at Starbucks you got to say I was at a coffee shop you know what I mean and so you know you got to really break this down and it's it's it's like a lot of work and when you are at that level when you've got a TV show or you got to turn over this you have to have a staff of people doing this shit and you have to have a staff of people doing this shit. man but I did I did like the process you know I hadn't done it in a while the process is oh the process is like being born again yeah yeah The problem, when you get gone, like for a couple weeks, I was getting anxiety. Like, I told you, what I tell you, I got, three or four bits that I'm coming together, but they're going to come together. But until I get there, I just got to keep getting on stage and eating shit. Because you could sit there and write them at home all you want.

It's once you get it on stage. For me, it's putting it on stage. Even if something comes to me, I just put it on stage. Yeah, yeah. And let's take the rest when you. Once you get it up there, even with no punchline, Tuesday night at the comedy store, Monday night at a fucking some bar. get it up there. There's times I'm killing

and I got them already at the 30 minute mark and I go, what's the difference? Let me try this line out. And I'll throw it out there and get nothing but it didn't matter. I got it out of my mouth. That's step number one.

I got it out of my fucking mouth because in my world I can write something and bring it on a stage and forget two minutes later. I start talking to you. I take two pumps off a joint. I can't tell you how many times

he's come off stage and be like, God, I forgot to say. Yeah, and that's what the whole intention of leaving the fucking house was. There's times I leave the house. going, I'm going to bomb tonight, but I want to make sure that the outlawed Josie Wales comes out of my mouth. That's it.

I don't care if I bomb. This line has to come out because I'm going to get on States Thursday. If I throw this line out tonight, I can fill in the blanks. First of all, when you're in your notebook and when you're in front of 200 eyes, it's two different worlds. Pressure's a motherfucker sometimes, and the pressure might whip it right out of it, or at least get the joke started. Or maybe, what I find I write on stage show.

I was talking about this with Sam Tripoli about how, you know, we write more. I come up with a lot of times a premise or a story happened to me. And I just say, okay, I just got to talk about this premise. Whatever the fucking is. Went to the shoe store. I just go, I was at the shoe store, try to find some jokes in it and maybe get a couple laughs and it doesn't have a big tag yet. But like you're talking about it. It's out.

It's out. Now you're thinking about it. You saw how they reacted. A couple weeks ago we were working on the story. And it's weird how purple people weren't reacting to the story. every time I said the word a word they laughed at the word

so now I had a different challenge you follow me I didn't think they were going to laugh at a racial slur but they laughed at the racial slur you have to assume that it's 2015 when I say the racial slurs I'm saying for this joke it was a joke about a situation

they laughed at the racial slurs so I went into my hotel room going unbelievable they're laughing at the fucking shit I didn't want them to laugh at, it's completely different. Do you notice that as a young comedian or are you just happy to get a laugh? Listen, man, when you were a young comedian, the first six years are starting comedy.

It's just, you're just going up there. You don't know nothing about being a wordsmith. You get it. And then you realize you can't say fuck here if you're saying fuck here. Right. I can't do a piss joke here and do a piss joke there. I cannot. It's where this fucking thing takes me, you know.

After a while, you become a wordsmith. When you go to Jiu-Jitsu, first fucking year, all you're doing is survive. Then after the first year, you start seeing things. What is his hand doing that? You know what I'm saying? Oh, shit. Look at his neck wide open. Every time I spar, I don't know what to do.

I'm just sitting there. No, you just lay that. Just make sure that every time they go for something, you bump them off. Yeah. So if you're on the bottom every time, let them get comfortable. You just breathe it. And as soon as they go to close, boom, you bump. Now they've got to start again.

They lose their balance. Same thing. It's comedy and martial arts. That's why I love combining the mental of a martial art. Ever since I started doing jujitsu two years ago, my comedy took off in a different direction. Because when I walk out of jujitsu, I know I'm 50. What am I doing wrestling with 20-year-olds on top of me?

I'm smelling people's assholes. I'm smelling toes. I don't need this shit at 50. These are my golden years, you know what I'm saying? I'm smelling jock straps and shit. But I know every time I walk out it makes me a better person. And that reflects in everything. That leaks into everything.

My business, my relationships, my friendships, that leaks into everything. Because you're breaking everything down. I've been studying martial arts for a while. I had a little break because I had an injury, and then I got into yoga. Yoga, similar thing. You're breaking down all the specifics.

And that's what martial arts is not just, I'm going to scrap. It's such precision technique. And that goes to what you're talking about of being a comic. It's precision. This word said this way with this pause. I look like that.

Like so many technical things, like I know I got a Pull the mic about five inches away from my face because I'm going to yell this one line. I don't want to blow the room out. You know what I mean? All these technical things. That's exactly the thing. Martial art, jiu-jitsu.

His hands moving there. Karate. All of it. All of it. Any martial art will leak over. And I've seen that. You know, when I go on stage, my voice changes. My voice changes.

My voice goes up an octave, but it shoots out straight. It doesn't do like an opera singer. I do that on purpose. I want to be the loudest guy to wake you the fuck. I don't know who the fuck you saw before. before I got up here, but let me tell you what's going to crack right now. And they're just going by the voice. The voice is what's getting them.

Your inflictions in your voice. Rodney would say a punchline and touches his fucking tie to tell you to laugh. He's telling you to laugh. They suck you in. It becomes, it's easy. We get offstage and people are like, how'd you do that? How'd I do that the same way you fucking submitted that guy after he was on your back before, and you took him off and you flipped them over and you got the same thing.

You focused, you breathe, you noticed where you were at. You were in touch with your elements and you went to work. You caught your composure and you went to fucking work. Well, that's the thing. That's such a great analogy too when you're talking about. You listen to these pros, UFC pros talk about and how they're not flipping out in the cage. You know what I mean?

And we do that. You throw a line, okay, that line did not work, okay? And all these little subtle things, this table to the right of the stage, the guy's not paying attention to me. You know what I mean? like this guy's pissed off, this couple that is a fucking bachelorette party. They're not like, and I just got to, you know,

you got to make all these quick decisions. Like, I got to go get this table's attention in a funny way. You know what I mean? I got to get these people quiet down. Maybe I got to raise my voice a little bit so they stop talking or whatever these little subtle things that you do. It's like a million little moves and counter moves like in, like in the MMA. And what you see, it's like that they did a movie this year with Denzel that you like.

That I watched two or three times. Equalizer. Equalizer. when he goes into the Russian thing to pay for the girl. When he walks back, remember, he starts seeing things. Yeah. He sees the guy's glass in his hand. He sees that this guy, that's what we see.

But, hey, when a mechanic is doing something, that's what he sees. Everybody has their own thing. Even with the lights, because, like, I'm on a comic, but I've been on stage a few times doing the live podcast, and I can't see anybody. So, like, when it's not bright, you guys are really, like, scanning the room and noticing everything? Well, that's the thing.

The lights, that's one you always know, it's someone who's never been on stage. The first thing they say, and these lights are bright. Like, we're used to that. We're used to like, okay, I can see about five rows deep here. So I got it, sometimes, you know, I'm going to look to the people in the front and make direct eye contact with, but if you're in a bigger venue,

then I'm just going to look into an area just so the people in the back feel like I'm looking at there. I had a professional, when I first started, Ross Schaefer, I've been doing this time, maybe four or five years, maybe six years. I was on the road starting to feature. And Ross Schaefer, who did this late night, talk show. He was a TV personality. He was also a decent stand-up. And I watched his act,

and he was so tight and professional and just crisp. And I asked him, I said, hey, man, you know, I was whatever in my early 20s or something, mid-20. And I was like, what kind of advice can you give me? He goes, first of all, you scan the room too much. Your head's moving around. He goes, talk to sections. Do the setup to the section to the right. Do the middle part to the middle, to the punchline to the left. or whatever. He goes, talk to sections. Look, people goes, you're afraid to look them in the eye.

You're looking above their heads like some stupid public speaking shit. He goes, look the fucking guy in the front row in his eye. You know what I mean? Go, hey, friend, off the phone or whatever. And I just would watch his act in awe every night because it was so well-crafted. His physical movements were very precise, you know? And I was like, wow, the way he, I watched guys when I first moved to Chicago. I started doing stand-up, but you know.

of Arizona in Tucson. I was 18. So I did that for four years. And then I went to Chicago to like, I'm going to see if I can do this for real. And the thing I learned so many things at the, what was the funny firm back then. And then the, these are four or five hundred seat showrooms. This is the early 90s. And I would watch guys, I had some of them Paul Gil Martin, but I remember Bill Hicks came through town. I remember watching the little professional things they did. They'd walk to the stage, move the mic stand immediately off to the side. You know, like, they didn't let the mic stand stand stand in front of. home. They didn't coil up the cord like open micers would do. Like all these little

little things. Little thing. Wait on the side of the stage when they're sets over until the MC comes up. So you never have an empty stage. Like some open micers go, good night. They run the fuck off the side of the stage. And then there's 30 to 60 seconds where the MC runs up and goes, okay, all right. And it's like, wow. There's 10,000 little things in there. And that's what I love about it. And like we've been doing this as long as we've been doing it. But still, it's like a martial artist. You're never done. learning. It's amazing how you could tell a comics experience by how he walks on stage and grabs the microphone.

I remember years ago there was a comedian trick that got like four fucking deals. And I mean huge deals. And she went on to do great things later on. But they gave her a show and stuff. And when she first came to the store, she had all this hype. And we'd go to watch her. And you would see comics walk out of the room as soon as she got to the stage and touched the microphone because we knew she put, she hadn't put the time in.

Yep. You know, for me, I leave the microphone in front of me, and I'll tell you why, because I move and I got to talk with my hands. My hands are the part of the whole fucking deal. So, and I'm a big guy, a little fucking inch microphone ain't going to block Papa. You know what I'm saying? I got a girth like a motherfucker. I got a girt for days.

It's not like I ain't going to, the son ain't going to see me if I'm eyed behind a little mic stand. So, you know, but I realized after doing this for years. fumbling around. Fumbling around. People go on what they tell me on the podcast. I don't hear you. The last thing I do is when I'm talking to a mic. I'm a felon. You know what I'm saying?

I don't talk into fucking, it's against my thing. You know what I'm saying? But if I'm back here, I'm fine. But these are things you learn over the years. One of my favorite comics. I want to say this real quick, though. But that's the thing you're talking about, there are certain things, but not every,

there also are rules, but then you can make it specific to you. It's an art. It's an art. It's an art. fucking you, but it will work for me, and it will really work for Lee. Yeah. Lee really likes it. Listen, when I first started doing comedy, I watched that Rodney Dangerfield,

young comedian special, the best one, X. Kedessen, Lenny Clark was on. And I go, wow, how nice is it to put a suit up on stage? It look really nice. Well, guess what? A suit? As soon as I put a suit on and go on stage, guaranteed bomb. Guaranteed bomb.

It took me 20 years not to bomb with a suit on when I did Gabriel's show. That's the first time I wore a suit on stage since like the second year of comedy Because I go let me give it a try I go hey Gabriel if you hire me for this show I even put a suit on I was like what did I just say? What did I just fucking tell this kid? But a suit would just not work for me Even like a nice jacket with a shirt with no tie bomb Yeah, I had to be like me I had to wear jeans and fucking t-shirt and dirty sneakers

Yeah, then you start doing well But every you gotta feel comfortable Yes, this is an art Yeah. This is an art. Listen, if you get 10 comedians and you go, tell us about the first year, they're all going to throw the Judy Brown book in.

Everybody read Judy Brown's book. Who's Judy Brown? Nobody ever toured with Judy Brown. I never read that book. She did a book that was very popular. Yeah, I remember that. There's a couple of sections in there that, until this day, I'll still use them for writing.

She had a couple. She had, you know, if she had 10 chapters, six of them were very informative. When you first get into stand-up, Right. The first day type thoughts. Yeah, yeah. You have questions.

What do they make? What do they do? Who do you know? Did you ever do a movie? I mean, it's fucking mind-boggling. This book answers a lot of those questions. The rest of those questions, you have to find out by getting on stage, meeting people and running in a circle. You know, it's like anything else.

You could go on YouTube and learn how to do an arm bar. But it doesn't work. You go to class every day and do it. Stand-up's the same. There's no practice in stand-down. No. What are you going to do? put your cats out or your mom and your dad.

They're not going to be honest. Stand up is brutally honest. And you have to go to a stage, get a microphone, and practice it. And to some people, they think about it. It's like, Lee, we were talking about Jiu-Jitsu last night. First two years, listen, I go to Jiu-Jitsu twice a week. I'm always scared as I'm driving up there.

As I'm driving up there, am I going to be in the bottom and get a heart attack? You know what? I don't know. Let me go down there and find out. Let me go down there and find out what happens, you know? I'm one of those guys that I knew that I know that to fucking do anything in this life

you have to get your hands dirty and that's one thing that when people realize they have to do and that's too much and that's what a lot of things in life what do you mean four years? No, no, no, no. How long as it take you to be? I love that question.

How long does it take you to be good in comedy? Once a person asks me that question, then out of comic. Yeah, yeah. How long does it take you to be good? Because they're just looking for something. They just look for some sort of class. You just take two years you get the certificate.

and then you're squared away. Like you get like a real estate license. Now you can go sell houses. Like it ain't that. And I can come to you. I'll meet you every Sunday for an hour and I'll work with you. And I'll work with you. And after a year not going on stage,

you'll know everything there is to know about comedy, but you still have to get on stage. There's no other. That year that I worked with you talking to you, you'd get the same information in three weeks on your own or a month on your own. If you went to three barbecue joints and one comedy club and really got your life,

lights rocked. All those answers will be, all those questions will be answered for you. Not that how much you make or how long does it take, but you'll see that this is a fucking real living and it's an art. It's like walking into a karate studio when you're 10, they give you a gee and you learn these basics. And that's what stand-up is. It's basics that'll come with you for the rest of your life, no matter what you want to do. Writing for people, producing, you know. Directing, directing, filmmaking, any of that shit. I saw Roseanne on the guy that's, he's 80 and he's got like five wives. What's that guy?

Larry King? Larry King Live. It was a great, great interview. And she said, you know, he asked her. He goes, number one, let me get that candle. Why did you throw out the ABC Brass in your Christmas party that year? And she goes, because I was sick of him. I'm sick of people telling me my business.

She goes, I got to a fucking point one night where they were telling me my business. And that's the point I got with industry. I've been here 18 years. Don't tell me my business. When I'm here three or four years, these agents come here and they go, well, if you want a TV show, you have to do family material, and you have to do that. These are the guys that blow their fucking brains out because they're not being themselves. Yeah. Well, that's the thing.

It's so great. And going now to this new era, this digital era, this podcast, you know, fucking raise money on kick. I raised money on Kickstarter to do a podcast documentary. You know what I mean? And I helped run the LA Podcast Fest, which I know you're busy this year, Joe, but we're going to get you in it. What date is it? It's September 18 to the 20. We're in Vegas.

Shoot the CD. I went last year. It was great. Oh, thanks, man. And the great thing is, is I always tell people, I go, you know how many pitch meetings I had to have to get those two things? Zero.

I'm partnered up with my friends and we're making, I'm not swimming in cash. You know, and if a, hey, if a network came to me and said, Graham, here's a TV show, of course I take it. But I'm not spending the time to chase them around because now I can just make it myself and put it on the internet

and fucking make money. I make it, fan gets it. It's that simple. So that frustration, especially as comedians, no other business, it would be like if the fucking executives or some 25-year-old executive with the New England Patriots is going, hey, Tom Brady, here's how I want you to play football? It's just like, because I played flag football in the eighth grade. Like, how could you possibly know? You don't know what we've gone through. You have no idea.

And you can't give me advice on it. That's why I know until this day That's why Chappelle quit Right I know until this day If you've ever dealt with Comedy Central It's a fucking nightmare It's a fucking nightmare

And you're dealing with people I've never been on a fucking stage Never in their life They just sit at coffee shops And oh my God I love him That's all they know I love him I love him I love him

Then the show comes out And they're eating shitters And the fucking executive Because they don't fucking know nothing They know nothing They know nothing The other day I was watching What the fuck was I watching

Some movie And they did a helicopter the lift over Washington Square Park and New York City. I go, that's where Dave Chappelle used to do comedy when he was 16 with fucking the black guy, one of the greatest funniest guys of all time. He was like his warmer back out of Baltimore,

the junk. The guy that died out of fucking junk. I go so, and right there I was thinking about. He was 16. He was 16 and outside doing comedy on the street on Sundays with no microphone just grabbing people his attention.

I can't remember what the fuck the guy's name was. that went on to die from HIV, but he was a fucking tremendous comic black guy, funniest shit. You know, how is a Comedy Central exec? How do you... Gonna look at Dave Chappelle and go, this is what... We don't think this is funny.

Listen, get the fuck out of the room. I know what to Syracuse? What do you know? You went to Syracuse for four years to study entertainment. I got, you got that. But you have not done what I've done. It's unbelievable that they... And here's the thing, and I don't...

I don't say this. arrogantly at all. There's not one executive at any major network that knows more about comedy than me and you or any of our friends. There's not one. There's not one. Just like, you know, it's not

I can't run a giant network. That's not my job. You know what I'm saying? So what do I get to as the comedian say, well, I've been telling jokes for 25 years. I'm going to tell you how to run your department. I probably could do it better. But you know what I'm saying? Like, what are their job, people tell comics, they think

they can do it better than us, and their ideas, and they, oh, the focus group, and what are you talking about? That's the thing I love about the internet. It's so fucking democratic. The network won't give you a show? Start a YouTube channel. Like, all these YouTube stars, some of them, half of them, they're like, a network wouldn't hire me to do this.

No fucking sock puppets with my cat or whatever the fucking show is. They've got a million people watching it. No one's telling them how to do that. Like, all this stuff we're talking about, like, this has come from decades. You and I doing comedy for decades in everything. The shitty fucking bowling alleys, all that

crap that we do. In Iowa. I did a bowling alley in Iowa. Who does a bowling alley? And that's what, that was what finally gave me the confidence to do movies, to go into these auditions and go, wait a second. Wait a second. Tony Farrague, whatever's name is Saragusa. He's a football player. He's great. He makes me laugh. But he doesn't do what I do. The same thing. I don't block on

Sundays. I'm not an offensive. or an outside linebacker. You know, I hate when people fucking say, call TV comics comedians. It does something to my soul, whether it's Will Arnett or his fucking wife or any of those fucking people. They are not comedians. They are comedic actors. Somebody's there saying cut and they giggle and the cut when they fuck up their line and they do it over again. Some of those are funny people.

And some of them are funny people, for the most part, if you've been on those sets, it's a fucking mind fuck. It's a fake mind fuck. And what we do, when I go to the comedy store at 1115 and I get on stage, that's 1115. That's not 8 o'clock, okay? And you're in your living room with buttons sitting next to you in our cocoa, okay? And everything's beautiful in your living room. You're coming off the street. This fucking hag you fucking just in here with, just told you in the car, she got her period.

You got a grandma blow. to eat her pussy. You just paid 35 to the park. Now you're going to the comedy store. You've got to sit in the back and it's dark and somebody farted and there's a fucking some fucking Vietnamese people and they're eating egg rolls and you can smell it.

And now you're sitting back there and now this fat fucking guy comes on stage and he changes your outlook. Because that's what we do. And I'm not saying myself. I'm talking about let's say Tom Popper the end. Anybody. Same thing. You're in there. You don't know what. You know when you're in your living room, When you're prepared, when you go, honey, when Paula comes over Friday,

we're going to watch the red is blue. You put your feet up, you relax, everything is beautiful. You just fucking finger it. Whatever the fuck you just did. I'm talking about life. You're walking into a comedy club. You were just on sunset and bumper-to-bumper traffic. You just paid 35 to park.

The fucking valet guy smells. He's going to fucking stink up your car. Then you've got to go to the comedy store. You waited 15 minutes for the waitress. Different scenarios, guys. Do that shit. And go to the fucking... Different scenarios.

those bitches. Go to fucking casino and do the late show. Or there's a guy sitting there with his arms full because he just lost $2,500 on the crap table. He doesn't give a shit about your jokes. And then you make that guy laugh? You make that guy laugh. And you're going to tell me that an executive

is going to know more about comedy than we do? So what, if you guys got, if you got the Joey Diaz show tomorrow, what do you want the executive there for? Because you need executives, do you just want them to be like, You're legally allowed to say this on TV? Well, they bring, listen, everybody brings something to their position.

Sure, right. Everybody brings a flavor to their position that you learn from. Okay, but here in this town, they've become egos, so you don't learn. Right. The director should come in and teach you something. Everybody should learn something. What would you want for the Joey Dia show to be? I was high last night.

I got home, and I was going through Netflix, and I watched the, what the fuck episode was? And again, I went to Beggone. Brilliant. Supranos? Yeah, but what episode? It was like the first season. I wanted to analyze the first season. The season that made this country fall in love with the Sopranos.

What made a household family watch a guy that cheats on his wife and cheer for him? Okay, let's get that out of the way. That's comedy right there. That's brilliant. What makes, you know, there's some people. I was watching that show about the 50s in Miami on Showtime. Oh, yeah. What is that show about the show?

50s and they were all smoking cigarettes until the guy shot the dog in the fucking pool. I never turned that show on again. No need to. He shot the German Shepherd. No need to watch that dumb show again. You know what I'm saying? So now I'm going to myself, okay, I have some type of morals. I'm watching the sopranos.

This guy cheats on this fucking what. It wasn't the Columbus day one. It was the first season? First season. And it was fucking brilliant. Oh, yeah. And I go, this is what writing is. This is what you want on your show.

You know. Anybody can bring home a... They did one where you could bring home... Every fucking dad that dreads the day the daughter brings home a boyfriend. You're going to hate him, even if he's fucking Joe Montana. Yeah. You're going to hate this guy.

But now he shows up with a black guy. Was it the college one? After the college one. Junior's the boss? The one after that. AJ and his friend steal wine. That one, right? They steal wine from the church.

The one after that? The lupitazi goes on the lamb to avoid indictments from the FBI. That one was good, too. He there at a wedding, and the guy gives the $5,000, the girl that got married, and then he goes, I just duped the $5,000. If I would have known how to go on the lamb, I wouldn't have dup for the $5,000. And he went back and got the $5,000 back, so I'll catch you next week. That's shit, you know, you can't write that because it's so wrong.

That's what I want my show to be. Yeah. I don't want somebody there going, oh, you can't do this. But that's not the situation. The situation is the bureaucracy they put you through. Well, because I hear comedians throughout podcasting, that's a major complaint is dealing with people who try to rein in your, or change your material.

I love 30 Rock. Okay. And I love 30 Rock. And I tell you why I love 30 Rock. Why? Because she's a comic and she took a chance by a kid by the name of Tracy Morgan. But if you know anything about Tracy Morgan, he's Buck Wild. But she knew how to get the best out of Tracy Morgan

and how to get them off the set before anybody knew how crazy he was. See, there's different things that people know that you can't figure out that I give comedians the edge. Yeah. You know, Roseanne said in that interview, they said to us, so, why did you fire everybody? And she goes, they came to me and they said they wanted to beat the Cosby show. And I went and got, he goes, I went, I fired all the fucking writers they had. I kept two of them, and I brought comics in. Real hard-hitting comics.

So I paid them. And she goes, because you got to remember at the end of the day, we're stand-up comics. And if you're a real stand-up comic, you know how to produce, you know how to direct. Yeah. You know how to write, and you know how to put the show on without even think. I don't know how to produce. At least I don't think I know how to produce. But you do.

I know how to fucking produce. Yeah, we got all these skills we don't even realize you have. We have these skills that you have no idea exists, Lisa, yeah. Well, you kind of have to do it for yourself. Because it's like what you're talking about earlier with the flyers and all that stuff. Well, that's stand-up comedy. Yeah. So you're doing everything.

Like, you're essentially putting on an hour TV show every night. You're putting, look what you're doing. Here's the thing that comics need to give themselves more credit for, because we just think, ah, just go on stage and it's not a real job. Yeah, free beers and fuck off. You think about how much time is spent, well, it's funny, last year when we were doing this documentary about podcasts, we flew all over the U.S., Australian, Japan. And somebody offered very graciously, they'd say, I work for, you know, travel agency,

I can help took all this stuff and I went, I know how to book travel. Believe me, when I tell you, I know how to get on an internet and book plane tickets and I booked it for me and the fucking crew guys, but four of five of us. Bam, I had rental cars,

I had fucking routing. I had it, they were like, how? I was like, what do you think I've been doing? I've been doing this on the internet for 10 to 15 years. Just that.

Not to mention. Like, I can tell you which airports have the best smoothies in the terminal. You want to know what I'm saying? We know exactly. with airport to land in, who's got the best food quickly. Yeah.

Yeah, you know it. Oh, don't go to that airport. You got the rental car shuttles a half hour. All the way of fucking way. That's why I don't go to Atlanta and work the punchline. It's the worst. The worst. No, no, no, no, no. I don't have that type of time in my life.

Atlanta and Dallas, they put the fucking rental car places about, like, Phoenix has a fucking one that's a million miles away to. Phoenix, I'm always like, oh, shit. We should have flown in a fucking Tucson. And just. And walked. It could have been cheaper and fucking easier. These people make you walk now for no fucking reason Walking is big now at these airports

With the money you're paying, why am I walking? You see they're redoing Newark? Oh yeah They didn't do it. No, a $4 billion thing They're going to tear down a terminal Because United's making that their hub now, right? I heard United's pulling out of JFK

I have no idea Yeah, because American pulled into JFK So I'm telling you, I was looking for fucking tickets To New York in September. Amazing. Amazing. And I really want to fly virgin but they just, you know, it leaves at 8.30. That means that the driving down there is going to be brutal.

I'm a 6 a.m. guy. Yeah. Because it's a 20-minute drive. That means I've got to be there at 5. That means I leave my house at 4.15. That means I'm walking around fucking L.A. X at 10 to 5 because it takes me from Studio City 20 minutes at 4 in the morning. I'd much rather do that, you know.

But then I've got to go away to fucking Kennedy because American Airlines only connects into Newark now. So it's a fucking nightmare. But Virgin, Virgin don't come back until Sunday at 1. That means I'm landing at 3.40. That means I'm under 405 on Sunday at 4 in the fucking afternoon. That's not healthy for Uncle Joey. I kept looking at it. I don't know about that one.

So I think I'm just going to go home and book it fucking L-A-X Kennedy and have Alex pick me up. They have a fucking Kennedy on Sunday that leaves at 545. You're tip-tone around fucking. in LAX on 815. There's not a car on, there's not even luggage on the, before you land there, your luggage is there at LAX and shit.

Anytime you land on Sunday at LAX after 12, you're just asking for mounds of trouble. I tell people, it's, it's not even worth it what you're going to go through. It's not even worth it. Yeah, yeah. 11 o'clock even. Like 11, you're dead. Like, D.C., I landed at 1135.

I know I'm dead, but I'm home for three weeks after that. So even if it takes me two hours to get home, I'm okay. And that was it. That was it. That's all I could fucking take, you know? But I can't sit in a fucking city of a homeowner. Like that 1 o'clock virgin was good out of Newark and cheap. I could go to Chan's.

I could be a chance at 11-01, catch an egg roll, and be at Newark Airport at 12, ready to take my flight at 1 o'clock like a motherfucker. And I will get on that plane where that grows. If I got a chance to do it before I die. With the mustard too? With the fucking mustard and pork fried rice, I'll pull it right out of that compartment in 3C. You know me, dog.

I upgrade every week to 3C like a mustard. And guess who's first in the line? Uncle Joey, because I need that seat and I need that thing. I just watch motherfuckers. They open to put shit in there. Don't you think you'd be putting shit in my fucking trunk? You'd think I fucking got upgraded to first class? I've been flying for 20 years.

I paid my fucking dues for this fucking thing. And that's what we forget. See, that's what I forget. And from time to time, I remember. Because that is my inspiration all the time. Like I was going through that anxiety and everything. I kept saying, wait a second. I've been doing this for 20.

four years. I've already gone through the parts where you go home at night and cry yourself to sleep because you want to be funnier and you don't know how to, and you want to do all these great things and you don't know. Like, I forgot the dues I paid. Like, I fucking blacked out from like, because I started

in 91. I didn't get serious till 94. From 91 to 94, I was like, you know, one of these guys that just goes from club to club. I'm a comic man. Great to meet you. Oh my God. You got the business card, but you getting on stage. I was getting on stage once or twice a month.

Then I went to New York and I fucking was like, you know what, I could do this. But I know if I do this, I got to do this. Like, it's like anything else. If you do this, you got to do this. And I dove in and from 94 to, you know, 2,000 fucking 5, I worked. I tried to work. When I got the longest yard, when I slowed down a little bit, I was like, okay, I made my point. Yeah. I could do this. I made my point and I got something out of it. I could do this.

Now I didn't go out seven nights a week anymore. I went down to five nights a week. But there was months. I was doing 35 sets a month. I think for 10 years in a row, I did over 300 sets a year. I had all the notebooks. I just threw them out. 300 sets a year.

Okay? And that's, for years, from 94 to 2007, I did over 300 sets a year. Easy. Easy. I know, like, in 2001 and 2, they had to be at 400. 365. I remember going 365. I mean, I got on stage every day, but not really.

There were just some nights you can do four or five fucking sets, you know. But that's the work you got to put into this shit. And that's what these people on the internet, the people listen to the podcast, a lot of stand-ups listen to this show. And they try to learn from this show. And one thing I stress is that, guys, don't even worry about this shit. You know, when you're doing comedy 10 years, you have this mind-fuck that you're a headliner,

but you're so far away from being a headliner. headliner. Like, I've been doing kind, I became a headliner at like the, the 21 year mark. Like, you know, when you go see Greg Haraldow, God rest of soul, and Sebastian, or even Ralphie May, they're headliners, bro. They put it together. I was doing comedy for 15 years, and if you ask me to do 45 minutes, I could do 45 minutes, but I was not a headliner. A headliner has a beginning, a middle, and an ending. Their money, you know, they're on time, they look good, their eyes are clear. It's just something about a headliner

that you could tell the difference. And I always knew for years. I remember being in Jacksonville, dying, eating dicks, like dicks flying into my mouth at the 30-minute mark when I had been in L.A. and I think I was here,

I was doing comedy nine years, and Jimmy Schubert got a movie, and he had to leave the next day, and I took his place. Like, they okayed it for me to leave to do Jacksonville. And I remember going, I'm funny, but

I'm struggling. I was struggling to do 45. You're slapping it together. You're slapping it together. And it was just horrifically bad. Like, I wouldn't even want to see it now. Like, I would not even want to see those tapes that was so fucking horrific. But that's what you put into it.

And that's what people at home and they think that we just got together and started doing these podcasts. And listen, anybody could do these fucking podcasts. Well, how frustrating is it for you guys? Well, because, Graham, you've been in podcasting for a while. there's so many comedians in podcasting who don't have what it takes to do a podcast they want to quit after six weeks Well they don't take it seriously

It's what Joey just said about being a headline But they just they fit if it's not even just young comedians It's comedians who are like There's a lot of established comedians Who don't have podcasts anymore Or because it's You have to treat podcasting like a business And I don't mean that like it's not fun

But I mean like if you're gonna if you want to just, if you wanted to help your career in one way or another, even if you're giving the show away for free, you don't do ads or blah, blah, blah, but it just how obviously we know, podcasting helps promote gigs on the road, all that. So if you, if you're going to get into podcasting, you got to, like, people ask me all the time, right? I help produce the LA podcast festival. People always ask, well, how do I get in? How do I, you know, what do I do?

I go, if you're getting into it because, oh, I want to get a TV show like Mark Marin, you're doing the wrong reasons. It's like we talked about those fucking actors in the early 90s whose managers go, we're going to get you a sitcom, so say you're a comic, here's six minutes. So if you're wanting to come into this, I say this thing. Come in like it's talk about whatever you want to talk about. If you like fucking shoelaces, you're obsessed with them, and do a shoelace podcast. But treat it seriously.

Release consistent content, make it sound decent. You know, like, take it fucking for real. Or don't. and you know this too when you host a podcast the comics that show up you know every once in a while

I get one that I blew oh what time was that you know they didn't take it serious they didn't take being a guest on this seriously and then the it's funny other comics that are podcasters they always are like on time what's the thing bank bang boom boom

and that's the thing I think with anything this is the most difficult business out there one of the most difficult stand-up comedy is probably the most is the hardest form of performing there is in terms of just

and I've had amazing musicians tell me this and singers go oh my God you got no fucking they go I could teach you how to sing I could teach you how to play an instrument what you guys do is crazy so you got to treat it seriously and I always caution that because sometimes people go job serious and automatically

oh like it can't be fun I have to sit in a cubicle to do comedy no no no put the work in so that when you run into your friend Joey Coco Diaz at a comedy club you just we just sit in the back of the room fucking laugh because we're not sweating all that other shit because we've we've clocked those hours in you know being on stage is the is the is the is the is the frosting you know what i mean you got to put

all this fucking work in to where like now i'm busy with all this business stuff and i love it i've it's empowering you know going on stage is like oh this is fun time now like i'm working on my act and all that stuff but i'm not talking to fucking attorneys and negotiating contracts and all this other shit. I'm going to go on stage and I'm going to just fucking freestyle funny, go into my act, go out of my act, make fun of this fucking guy in the front row, whatever. And that's the beauty of it. And I tell

comics too, I go, you want to, we all came to Hollywood, like you said, to advance our careers. But if your goal is, I need to be famous, no. You need to be, you need to be like, I want to be a good comedian. You know, I want to be respected. I want other comics to go, that guy's

fucking funny. It's a society. and he's perfect be respected as a professional be respected as a person be respected as an artist be respected as a business person that's what you should be going after because johnny you it's funny you and i were talking about us over the phone you know i remember calling you uh to ask you see if you could do pod fest and you're already on the road and we're just and you know we hadn't talked in a while and you said hey man we're still here we're still here you said that to me and i was like you know you're Right. Anytime I get in my head, we all do this. I started with this list of guys who are all giantly famous now.

And you know what I mean? All these people, they got huge movies and how come I'm not? You know what? I just got paid to work. I got gigs lined up. I'm just fucking happy I'm alive doing this. You know what I mean? I could be back telemarketing or something like that.

How often does that happen to you? You freak out a little bit? A fair amount. Because I'm only about two years into doing this full time. And I was like, okay, it has to stop sometime. But to hear someone saying, you've been here for 15 years, that still happened. It doesn't happen as often for me personally

because the minute it starts, I go back to the World Stir Here thing, which is just like, let's be grateful for what you got. You know? I got a podcast that I love doing. We talk movies every week. I love doing it. I love coming on shows like this.

I was just in Tulsa. I got paid to tell jokes. It was great. You know what I mean? I got paid to tell jokes. and and and and you know it is just sort of I might just sound just sort of like shit your grandmother used to say or whatever but it's the glass

the glasses half full it's your perception so I can see her go man I started with Zach Galfanakis and I don't have his career and how come I don't have Louis C. and I are the same age and what the fuck I could do that or I could go I'm making my live and telling jokes which means when on my off days I'm surfing the way I look at it is you know what we all birth comes to us all and death comes to us

That's right. And one day, I'm going to be in a fucking hospital room with a fucking IV on, and I'm going to be hearing the last couple beats of my heart. And you think about your fucking life, and you think about the things you did and where you fucked up and what you didn't do, and the people that you, yeah, I started with Zach, and I started with Lewis K. And they got this, and you're going to feel bad for maybe,

I'm only allowing you to feel bad for maybe three seconds because at least you tried it. Yeah. You rolled up your sleeves, and that's what I couldn't live with. That is what we stress on this fucking show or whatever the fuck I'm talking about. That, listen, when I went into that fucking V-MAC, and when you started with the swords and stuff, you didn't think you were going to be Matsumoro Mazuzuki, okay?

You did it for yourself and for your self-development and for whatever. I never knew, and that's what the problem is. I never want somebody to go into something, not knowing from their heart to their fucking toe. what they're getting themselves into. You know, I know when people ask me questions what they're looking to get and what answer are looking to get. And if the people who are young comics

and don't have a podcast, it's the same thing that happens to other comics. They don't have a voice. To have a podcast, you really have a voice and a commitment and something you believe in. And that's what sells this podcast thing. The same way, that's what sells your act. Yep.

Is your voice. We've all gone up for years I used to just go up on stage and be Rodney And one day I was taking a shit In my bathroom And I heard a special come on And one of my dear friends Was on stage

Who isn't that successful He's a funny guy We're both funny guys And I heard him Didn't watch him I heard him And I heard what I was doing wrong There was no commitment in my set

Anybody could get There was a time there When we were going to your apartment and I was tormenting you about you not molesting that girl that was sleeping on your couch. And they were funny podcasts. But for a while, our numbers weren't really down because people weren't getting it. We didn't have a voice. That's what regular comics do.

They come on. And did you see, Angelio Joe Lee? Oh, my God. The pussy smells like vinegar. And they laugh. And people listen to it. But once they listen to Burr and listen to Rogan and listen to Graham, that there's a message in the podcast. There's a beginning and middle and ending.

That's the thought. And it's the same thing with stand up. It's the same. People are going to try anything because they think they look at something. I could do that. I could fucking do that. Hey, yeah. I've never looked at anything like that because I know there's something you don't know.

That's why before I do anything, I check with a profession. I've always, since I was a kid. Hold on. That guy lips weights and he won a contest. Let me go talk to him. I'm over here looking at a book, some fact guy doing standing military presses. I'm going to throw out my back for the rest of my fucking life. Let me go talk to him.

But people's ego. We're scared to ask. We're scared to ask, I always ask for advice. I always ask questions, but I always know where I'm going. When I was in drugs and kidnapping people, that's what I did. If I saw you, even if I was going to kidnap Lee, if I was a 24-hour gangster, if I went to a bar and heard you had an ounce in your car, shut out for two minutes.

Let me listen to this fucking muck over here next to him. He's telling his friend he's got an ounce of this car. Maybe we'll take him out to the car because I was always on. You're always on. This is what, last night at the ice ice. house, the door guy and I were talking. And he was talking about Saturdays, about weddings and stuff like that.

You know, when you do comics, when you're a comedian, you don't go to weddings. No. There's not, people know, not to even ask you. Yeah. If they're on a Saturday, only a comic. I'll cancel Tulsa. Yes, I'll come to you.

No, I work on. These are the different, these are the little things that we've let in this country vacations and, you know, ingrown toenails. And I have a date with my girlfriend. Listen, I don't give a French. It's fuck. Tell your girlfriend you're picking it up at 10, but at 8,

you're going to go to that piano ball, and you're going to do 10 minutes. Yeah. And then after you do that, then you worry about your fucking cunt girlfriend. But until that fucking time, in my mind, that's it. Until that time, I don't know what you're talking about. If you're not putting a yardstick in your pocket first, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yeah.

And that's what we've forgotten. You know, it's like when we realize something's going to be hard work, that's it. We switch careers. Yeah. How many fucking people have you been here? you've been here, have switched careers? Oh, God.

How many people have you seen that came in his comics, and now they're cameraman or their agents or their... Yeah, yeah. I love doing stand-up. Oh, my God, the competition, and I was sexually molested. Shut the fuck up. When you're a female comic, you're sexually molested every night. You understand me?

When you're a female comic, you better suck a dick or have a tough skin. Because for the first two years of your career, people are going to ask you to suck their dick until you get funny. Yeah. And people are going to try to Cosby here. You know, I'm trying to do everything. Those fucking beginning.

in female comics, that's the toughest job in the world. That's the toughest job in the world because they really come in naive, asking questions. Next to you know, they don't know nothing. They suck. They're stuck. They're and they're still number eight on the open mic waiting list on fucking, well, you said if I suck your dick, I got up to number three. Listen, that was last

week, you know what I'm saying? I had the chick that suck my dick and stuck a finger up my ass. You've got to work for that number three spot and shit. Let me give some shout out to you real quick. Happy birthday to my main man, Andrew Southern. been around for fucking since day one.

My main man, A-Coo, you bad motherfucker. Larry D. Jason Montero. Ouki, spooky, looking good. Putting some fucking weight on those bones. I'm going to have Lee suck your fucking ankle next time he sees you. John Fentros. I love you.

Jesse Wright. Renee Vogel Jr. Laya Hernandez looking sexy as a motherfucker. Paul Lynch. Happy birthday, again, Andrew Southern. You're a good fucking man. Happy birthday, buddy. That's it.

You know what I'm saying? We'll be a fucking around. But that's the thing. Those guys that started to commit, those people that started podcast and quit, first off, they didn't wait for the miracle to happen. Right. They didn't wait. And number two, they didn't find their voice, and they never had a fucking voice.

When we started the church, we had a voice. And then for a while there, when I went on the road every week, I would just go on there and fuck around. And then one day I said, wait a second, I got to get a notebook together. I asked Lee what the numbers were. He said, yeah, the numbers went down with $200,000, $200,000. No, we got to pick this. motherfucker up. And after that I was serious about it. I got it. I understood

where this is going. I understood why people watch. You know, hey, listen, sometimes we have some pretty deep shows in here, and sometimes we have shows where you just get fucking high and giggle. Sometimes we have a guest. I always keep people on their toes. This is the power that we have now. If this was a network,

you think... Oh, no, no. You can... I don't know who grandma would is. Joy, you can't say that. You know, all that shit. Tell Lee's got to take the Israeli flag down. Some fans rode in, they're getting amused because they kill people, the Gaza Strip. Who gives a fuck? I mean, this is what we do.

This is what we do. We laugh at him about God's like, I don't know. Jews always killing somebody in the Gaza Street. Every two years, somebody gets pissed off and they're shooting missiles at. That's what you get. That's what you get. We don't fuck around here. We're Israel. We got tons of money and missiles. And we're waiting to shoot them.

Dying to shoot a motherfucker. You know, we're still pissed about fucking the man with the swatstick. You know, we're walking around angry here. 40 years ago, we haven't forgotten. We lived, but we haven't forgotten. We're getting back at all you motherfuckers. You guys let it happen.

Nobody stuck up for us when we were in that fucking hole making shoes. Nobody came over and said, what the fuck is going on there? No Chinese, no fucking Vietnamese, no nothing. Oh, my God. You told me Jews don't like spicy food last night. You got mad at me for ordering spicy peanuts. Jews don't like spicy food and Jews aren't romantic, right? You never see a Jew on TV getting on one knee to marry a bitch.

He throws a fucking. black case on it could be a ring it could be a Cuban, Zaconian. If you know a real Jew, they'd never give you a diamond. You ever go to the Jew district in New York? They'll fucking kill you. They'll bite your fucking finger to get $10 off that diamond. Their wives don't get

diamonds, bro. They give them something fake. Dig it's up from the other side of Africa or some shit. What the fuck? Look at poor Lee. Lee, what are we doing today? I don't know. What are you going to do? We're going out. I'm picking you up. We're going to the comedy store. About 10.30, quarter, after.

you're going to be fucked up by then because this is only a beginning of this. I'm already fucked up. That's right. Who gives a fuck? I was coming back from judici today and I thought about you because there's this really big person in my apartment complex and she had to get taken,

they had to come pick her up and then take her to doctor's office and back in an ambulance and they had like six EMTs there and I was just like, I had just like come back from getting beat up a juditsu and it was like, I'm almost at 100 pounds. I'm like, oh.

I was less than five years away from being like the... Me too. Oh, my God. Me too. Easily less than five years away. And this is easy. Like, look at this kid. He serves every day.

This is easy. Yeah. One hour a day. Lee and I were talking. You look at your week seven times 24. How many hours is that? That's fucking 168 fucking hours, right? Seven times, right?

Yeah. 168 fucking hours. So you got, even if you exercise one hour a day, five days, you got 163 hours left. If you sleep six hours, why are you still seven times six is worth, you still got a hundred hours left to get your dick sucked and balls late.

Right or wrong? I mean, you can't fucking lose. How long have you been doing this podcast now? What's the name of this podcast? Comedy Film Nerds podcast. We've been doing it since late 2009. We've done, you know, we just recorded our 280th episode.

It's a blast. I do it with Chris. Mancini is a comic. Every week we talk movies. We'll have you on it. Chris Mancine's a young kid or older? Older guy. Yeah, he's around. He's around probably seen him around. He worked the improv a lot. He worked the

Improv. He worked the Vegas Improv. You know, stuff like... Orange County guy? Lives in Orange County. No, he lives up here in a valley. There was a Mancini I met when I did a triple run. He lived down in Orange County. He was very nice. You know, I've seen

you lose contact with so many comics and you try to look them up and they're not even doing comedy no more. And it makes you feel bad. Like, at times I feel guilty when somebody quit comedy because we both had the same paths, you know, and not. It's just funny. I do feel guilty.

Sometimes I'm just like, when I see someone who was funny or whatever and they quit and they always, ah, you know, I just needed to move back home or I had to go teach or something. That's nothing wrong with any of those things. But I always do feel a little like, boy, I'm lucky. The times I did think about quitting when it was rough and I was pissed off or whatever. And I thought, I'm having to be. Fuck this. What would you be doing right now if you didn't do stand-up?

Did you have a degree? Yeah, I had a film degree, but I mean, my degree was in making movies, which I'm kind of doing right now. So, you know, I always ask, what would I do? I said, I don't know, high school football coach. I really like that. You know, a firefighter? I don't know. But other than that, I mean, that's the best I can come up with in terms of comedy.

Like, this isn't a profession. It's not a profession. It's a way of life. It's a calling. It's not like, well, me, but a comedy. comic or maybe I'll you know sell shoes or whatever so so it's so a part of who you are i mean it is a job it is a profession as we talked about but it's it's a part of who you like you you you get to the point where you can't not do it and anyone that that quit on it probably came into

it for i don't know what reasons or what but but but i think that that it just goes through the like I can't picture myself not doing anything else. I just can't picture myself doing anything else. I just can't. Because even like, you know, we got this documentary and I'd love to be making more movies, I'll still perform. I'll always perform.

If I don't have to go on the road and slug it out like I do now still, and money wasn't an issue, I was fine, I would still go on stage and perform just because I love it because there's nothing like it. I don't know. I went to the Denver Comedy Works, and one of my friends came from the old,

days. Even before I went to prison, I knew this guy with salesman. And he came in and I asked him what he did and he was, oh, for eight years, I had it great. I went to a financial firm and then the bottom fell out and I had to go back to selling cars and, you know, he went through just a life of copiers, everything that was hip. Right. You know, everything that was hip at the time, you know, medical supplies, copiers, you know. And I think of what this would it be like if I've never gone on that stage. It really saved my life in more ways than one. Because listen, the only

it's so funny how, for me, in my world, I'm not a great writer. But I like doing comedy. I like acting. I like doing the podcast. You can't be good at every aspect of this, you know? And even with my criminality, right? I was really good with drugs. I knew how to fucking flip a buck. I knew how to kidnap people. I know how to book. I'm really good

at booking. Like if nothing else ever worse again, I could book. I really know how to book and get a game started and know how to tell people, hey, man, you should bet the next. Right. You know, and set them up. I know all that shit. So it's just, that's it.

That's all. I couldn't see myself. I used to mind fuck myself when I was young. I'm going to be a service guy and a dealership and write service. Okay, come on. There's mornings at 8. I wake up and I look out that door and I'm like, I couldn't just leave the house right now. I'm not prepared.

Like, I'm not prepared. Like, people have to get up at 6 and get. in that car at 7 and leave, and I could do it. I mean, if the things changed, I was prepared to do it. Before I met Lee, I was at that dealership right on the corner where the trainers, I was applying there. If I would have passed a piss test and I would have sold three cars, I would have got into it. I don't think I would have gave up comedy because, fuck, I had so much time invested.

When you work hard, that's the other thing. When people walk away, I always doubt them, I go, they didn't put the work. Right. Because once you work hard at something, you can't. And that's like I told Lee. Lee used to juice. But when Lee found out that he had to go to the fucking, he juiced, he lost 60 pounds, and he put back 80 in two weeks.

But when Lee went over to the, now, when me and Lee are coming home, and I'll fuck with him. I go, Lee, what do you want to do? Do you want to go to McDonald's? And Lee will tell me no. You know why? Because Lee got on that elliptical. Yeah.

For 60 minutes a day. For six days a week, this fucking moron got on there. And you smell the sweat. You smell the Big Macs coming out of you. You smell the gyros and the Big Mac. And now, you know, with these people that juice, oh, my God, I'll drink carrot juice for a month and lose 80 pounds. You didn't put no effort in. Yeah. You just fucking drank fucking stamin' kids. You might as well suck a dick and swallow a load. It's the same difference.

You know, anybody, it's the motherfuckers that put the time in. I've been losing a pound a week. I've been losing a pound a week. I've been losing a pound a week here. You put a half a pound on you, but I'm down at 298, 27. That's great. And that's better than me telling you, oh, no, no, I'm doing this new, uh, the work. The work. That's why when you were a kid, what did your math teacher say? I want to see the work. I want to see the work. That never changed in your life.

Your mad teacher died and went in a six-foot fucking casket. But that whole wording never changed in our lives, which is I want to see the work. So that's in the back of my head every day. For me to be a better comic, it all starts with this pen. My wife said something to me the other day. My wife goes and I'll walk home. And we walked a kid to school.

My wife goes, you know, what's crazy? I don't feel bad for people no more of the complaint. She goes, because for eight years, I saw you on that computer, 10 hours a day, struggling. She goes, I remember you fucking calling me, and I could see it in your eyes your blood pressure because you didn't know what to do. I was a computer illiterate. But once we took to it, you showed me a few things. You know how many comics are at home sitting there because they're 50 like me, and they won't get on a computer?

It's like a Martian thing to them. And me, I believe in evolving. comedy evolved. You and I evolved, or if not, we would have been gone. We saw a podcast, we got two mics on a fucking turntable, like that black kid in Harlem, and we started fucking spinning. Two turntables in a mic. Fuck, that's how, you know. Comedy's hard, you know.

I'm really happy you came on today, because I always, we talked about this on the phone that you said, you know, at least we're still here. You know, anybody can move to L.A., anybody can get spots at the improv. Sure. Anybody could get spots at the Laugh factory and get a deal, but to stay here and bang it out. Sometimes I feel bad about myself, and I'm like, wait a second. You know, I'm still here. I'm still getting spots. And you've got to do it because you love it.

I fucking love it. And I complain to Lee. I don't want to do this. I couldn't just sit at home. This Thursdays, there's Wednesdays. I go, Lee, I got to be honest with you. I don't want to go to fucking New York. But what the fuck am I doing here?

Right. I already did it. The last three days, I've done it. I've written, I sent the emails, I made appointments. Tomorrow I'm going to go give blood in the morning. I'm going to Higgins. I got my day all planned out already. 8 o'clock.

This is a blood request I got in November. I'm fulfilling it and fucking the last day of July. That's how I roll. Who procrastinates more about needles than me? That's quick for you. Yeah, that's quick for me. But I got a physical on the 18th. That's the finger in the ass.

I love that one. That's the finger in the ass, the lung x-ray. Does he like pull your hair and say, shut up, bitch? No. motherfucker. Listen, the finger in the ass is the roughest thing you'll encounter, especially if you're not a freak. When you bend over, the first three years, it was

traumatizing. And when I got on testosterone for a while, I got on testosterone, the doctor was kinky, but he sent me to his partner, who was the real deal. That guy shoved his finger up my ass and left it there and started talking to me. That's the time I went on, and I had shit in my

ass. I know when he pulled it out, the bottom finger had shit on it, you know, but he had the glove on. He just turns around and throws away. I remember going home just canceling the rest of the fucking day. It was horrible. But you got to do it. Listen, man, people tell you that that colon cancer eats you alive in a couple fucking

weeks. And in today's world with all the fucking gizmos and Gtos and all the shit that's going on, you got to fucking check it out, man. And the blood, I told it for years. Women bleed every month. That's why I don't die from heart attack. We fucking don't bleed every month.

We die from heart attacks. So if you're scared of it, I go donate blood. I don't donate shit because you got to donate too much. You got to give them like 16 ounces. I ain't got that type of time. That's 16 faintings. You understand me? I only got one fainting a fucking month. Yeah, 16 ounces.

16 faintings. I could never give it away sick. And look at the bag while you're pumping it. You ever go to that fucking holy crow? I have, but I can't look at the blood. I just pump my hand. I just look away and then they say, okay, you're done. Oh my God, it's horrific. But tomorrow I bring my little iPod, put Santana on.

There you go. This is a good one. This is a good one because I could eat. See, those are the good ones when you could eat. This is arthritis in my knee. They just want to see so you could eat. The one on the 18th, so I got to stay up late. That's how I do. And I could eat eight hours before.

So at midnight, I would eat like a motherfucker, and I'll get up like at six and shoot right downtown. I always see him at 8.30. And he knows me already. So when I walk in, I want to give him the blood quick. Let's get that. And I bring a sandwich and a fucking orange juice right there with me, like a little Hershey bar to put the sugar back in your blood and shit real quickly. Let me give some fucking sponsors and we'll get the fuck out of here.

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And not only that, they're comfortable. They're tight. and they fit great, okay? And don't forget to go to iron dragon.com, and you go too. You can see all your fucking sword movies. They got the one-armed swordsmen on there. Iron Dragon TV.com for the best classic martial art films.

Go there right now and press in and get two free movies, all right? Graham, always a pleasure. We go back to the Jeff Gatlin days when they called our crew Batman's villains. Me, you, Jimmy Schubert, with Carla Bow. We had a fucking... Yeah, that's fun. We walked into the improv. The Gentiles ran away.

What do you got going on? You know, Los Angeles Podcast Festival, September 18th to the 20th. No road work before then? Me? I got, I got, what do I got coming up? I've got something in Kansas City, like 14th and 15th to August. Headline in the improv in Lake Tahoe. That's August 19 through 23.

And then got some more stuff leading up to the festival. So just go to Graham Elwood.com. get my podcast comedy film nerds. And Graham Elwood, that's at Twitter, Instagram, it's at Graham Elwood, all that shit. Gramelwood.com for all the information you need. The podcast, the fucking dates, whatever you want to stab and you want to lick his nuts out of that.

Whatever you want, send them a note on there. The podcast festival is really fun. The podcast festival is for a lot. I just been out of town the last three years. We're going to get you in. We're going to get you in. You guys call me a month before. Without further ado, I'll be in D.C.,

August 13th to the 15th, taping the CD, so I need all the help I can get if you're in the area. Come on down. And then I'm going to be in Las Vegas, taping the special September 18th, 19th, and 20th. And I'm at Gotham, September 24th and 25th or something like that, Friday and Saturday. Check the fucking schedule.

Stop being lazy. And come out to Toronto, the Life Flying Ge Radio, at the Underground, the 14th, and the podcast seminar on the 15th at the Comedy Bar. I love you, motherfucker. See you Monday night. Stay black. Have a great weekend.

Remember Uncle Joey. loves you with all his heart. Don't forget to follow Graham Elwood. And if you go to one of the shows, let him know you heard him on this podcast. Give me some love. Bring him a joint. And bring him like whatever fucking vegan dish is the best thing. Bring me a vegan quinoa salad.

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